KILL TONY - #739 - ELAINE + SAM TALLENT + MIKE FEENEY

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Elaine (Adam Ray), Sam Tallent, Mike Feeney, Ari Matti, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - ...RECORDED– 09/29/2025 Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Right now, KILL TONY listeners get 35% off – unlimited orders, for up to six months! Only at https://nykdpouches.com/TONY with code TONY Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killed. Tony. Hey, this is Reverend coming alive from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Starting point is 00:00:49 Get up for Tony. It's clear! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Yoo-hee! Make some fucking noise for Brian Red Band. What's up! And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen?
Starting point is 00:01:24 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzáviro. Michael Gonzales and nachos Belgronde, the great Matt mulling on the electric guitar. John D. is the leader of the band on the keys. And believe it or not, live in the flesh, this is D. Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This episode's brought to you by ExpressVPN, Shopify, and prize picks.
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Starting point is 00:03:52 Well, you're in for a special treat. Every week I book this Mamma Jamma. as good as I possibly can. This is a three-panel night. Three fucking panelists. You guys are in for such a special treat as I introduce Elaine, Sam Talent, and Mike Feeney. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:04:16 Sam Talent, Mike Feeney, and Elaine! Elaine is here, ladies and gentlemen. She looks awfully familiar, looks like a Hall of Famer, a guest of the year, reigning, defending. But she's a sweet lady. Comedy Mothership, how are we doing? Make some fucking noise if you're all good about this show. I can't hear you make some fucking noise.
Starting point is 00:04:56 Let me just say this real quick. Tony, good to see you, you still look hungry. Red Ben, you look like you drowned two weeks ago. I'm staying at La Quinta Inn just down the street. My friend, Tony Garuso, got me a hook up on the room. But let me say this about the hotel. There's blood on the sheets, there's come on the floor, and say it with me, no breakfast.
Starting point is 00:05:15 Hit me, Mike. Let's get it going. Elaine is here, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, looking an awful lot like one of the greatest guests in the history of the show. The show. Mike Feeney is here, ladies and gentlemen, sandwiched in between two of the greatest guests ever, a sweet, sweet man, Mike Feeney. Excited to be back and I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready for the best fucking night of my life.
Starting point is 00:05:40 There you, Mike Feeney gets it. And another multiple-time, freak of nature guests, one of the highest ranked guests in the history of the show, one of the smartest people, one of the greatest stand-up comedians in the world. Sam Talent is here. here. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was going to talk about staying at the Lakinta and say I was ready for the greatest night of my fucking life, but here we are. So I'm also happy to be here, and it's truly a pleasure to meet you, Elaine. I've been following you on Facebook since January 6th, and you've been making a lot of great posts. Yeah, yeah. Well, someone's got to say something now that Charlie's gone, you know. Express,
Starting point is 00:06:24 VPN, Shopify, and prize picks you this episode. Yeah, let's cut to a commercial. Where's Dr. Phil when you need it? This is so exciting to have you guys. You guys all been on the show before you know how it works, but maybe somebody brought their liberal girlfriend tonight to the show, and they might not know exactly what's going on.
Starting point is 00:06:46 Over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to possibly get one minute of stand-up comedy on this stage, so that they can show off to the millions of viewers at home. They get 60 seconds sound interrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry Bus to Hollywood Bear. And then I conduct an interview with them,
Starting point is 00:07:08 and they get feedback from this amazing esteemed panel of geniuses. And anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? So, here's the deal. Starting tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner from the great country of Canada, ladies and gentlemen. He just won.
Starting point is 00:07:30 His last appearance was on the Netflix episode where he won a four-person, immediate killer-be-killed turbo round to do the arena here in Austin, Texas on New Year's Eve. So it's been a while since we've seen him. This is a brand new minute from Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Danny. I was out in New York City, and while I was there, a couple of my buddies wanted to go on, like, a rap tour to see where all, like, the Brooklyn rappers grew up. So we went there, and while we were walking around, my buddy goes, hey, man, wouldn't it be sick if we had a time machine right now?
Starting point is 00:08:06 I said, why? And he goes, because then we could go back in time and then be part of the culture when they were alive and walk around the same footsteps as they did. I was like, yeah, I'm all right on that, dude, to be honest. You know, just as a white guy from Canada, I'm not going back to a Brooklyn ghetto in the late 80s to get robbed at gunpoint, you know? And then his wife pipes up and she goes, yeah, well, you guys are stupid and you would use a time machine for something dumb like that. And I said, well, what would you use it for, right? She goes, well, I'd probably make a difference in the world. I'd use my education to advance civilization.
Starting point is 00:08:36 I said, oh, that's great. But what would you do? She goes, well, I'd go back in time to the 1400s and teach people modern medicine back then. I'd have to look at her and go, at what point do you think a man would ever listen to you in the 1400s? let alone take a medical intervention, you know? They'd be like, oh, you have a cure for my ailment? Well, see if you float. That's exactly what they would do.
Starting point is 00:09:00 One word, they'd be like, get her boys, the bitch is a witch, you know? Yeah, thank you. One person liked it. Danny Martinello. Welcome back, Danny. How are you? I'm doing pretty good, thanks, Tony.
Starting point is 00:09:14 It's been going on in life. Has your life changed it all since being on Netflix's Kill Tony? No, not. Well, yeah, it's sort of, yeah, but nothing too crazy. These some doors have opened for sure, but... What kind of doors have opened? Well, you know, the front door, the back door, and the side of the shed, too.
Starting point is 00:09:30 These fucking Canadians, I'll tell you, they can't help themselves. Well, it's great to be Canadian here, because as soon as I walk in, all you guys start talking like me, so it's pretty welcoming. Well, it's kind of contagious, it gets airborne, and anybody gets a thing, you know? Wow, Tony, absolutely beautiful impression. That doesn't sound like me.
Starting point is 00:09:47 You cannot hide your disgusting Canadian twang. Wait, I do you like your accent. Say the word toilet for me. Toilet. Hilarious. Sam Talon, what do you think about this, ma'am? It's just fun to hear a Canadian guy be racist, you know? Because really the accent belies, you know, the things you're saying,
Starting point is 00:10:08 which is a nice charming trick to use up there. Yeah. But, you know, it's like, oh, black people are dangerous, yeah? They're locked their car doors. There's a lot of them coming to town lately. All right, well, that was a hard no from you guys. Sick when Sam does it, but when I hear, you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, it's because I'm faking it.
Starting point is 00:10:29 Yeah. It's an impression. Very funny, son, you know, very funny. Alain, you ever been to Canada? I have been to, I went to a Toronto Blue Jays game. I used to let Joe Carter titty fuck me in the 90s. Wow. Shout out to Joseph, wherever he is.
Starting point is 00:10:46 They've got great Putin up there. Putin. Have you ever had Putin now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, unbelievable this fucking... Your impression was better than Tony's.
Starting point is 00:10:59 Well, easy, easy. I want to come back. He's an amazing impression. I mean, she is an amazing impression. Oh, yeah. No one's better than Elaine. We're really doing it, Red Band. Yeah, Elaine.
Starting point is 00:11:12 That sounds familiar. Come on, I've seen the show. I've seen the show. You watch the show? Oh, yeah, every night when I play with my show. Who are your favorite guy? Oh, I like that Estonian guy. I like the black guy, like the Asian guy.
Starting point is 00:11:23 There's the wheelchair girl, she's fun. Boy, I don't know, but, oh, boy. Can you narrow it down? Harlan Williams, fellow Canadian. He's a funny guy. Yes, yes, he is. Who was your hero growing up, Daniel? Probably, like, I don't know, dude.
Starting point is 00:11:41 I really liked Steve Irwin. I'm not going to lie when I grow up. I did. No, my mom let me stay home when the stingray got him and I watched the funeral service. I cried for two days. It was tough.
Starting point is 00:11:50 That is some Canadian bullshit if I've ever heard it. My hero was Steve Irwin. Yeah. How come I wasn't Rick Moranis? I don't know. Joey Moss was pretty sick too growing up watching him. Who the fuck is that? Joey Moss was the equipment manager for the Emmington Oilers.
Starting point is 00:12:09 He was Wayne Gretzky's, like, girlfriend at the time. Well, like, brother, sorry? And then he became the equipment manager, but then he was a staple in the eminent scene, and he's just a good positive person. how little your culture touches are. That guy's probably on a fucking stamp up there. I'm like, oh, what are you doing? Fucking banged Wayne Gretzky?
Starting point is 00:12:28 No, I don't know. And then you got, like, Terry Fox and shit, but like, oh, wait, the Terry Fox? Terry Fox, yeah. He ran across. You have no idea who that is. Well, you guys are asking me about Canada. You guys don't even know, but it's whatever.
Starting point is 00:12:42 Oh, we don't even know. We don't even know. This is what you've been waiting for. The whole time Tony's just been lighting me up being like one day, I will really get you. Yeah, and this is it. Hey? When he says that, is he talking through a trache scar?
Starting point is 00:12:55 Yeah. He's smoking a cigarette and going to get it one day. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You watch that. You're going to have one of those one day. Oh, close. All right. I have a lot of friends with tracheotomies.
Starting point is 00:13:06 You do? Most of my friends are, well, most of my friends are dead or have AIDS, but most of them that are alive have tracheotomys because we smoke a lot. I love to smoke. I see you smoke. Let's spark one up, bitch. All right, we're going to, Elaine. Let's get Danny out of here.
Starting point is 00:13:17 Danny, good job. Way to get the show started, Danny Martin. I'll light one up right after this bucket pool gets called. Danny did 60 seconds, but now we're to the bucket. This is where shit gets crazy. We don't know these people. Very rarely have we ever seen them before. Everyone's hoping to have the best possible time of their lives up here.
Starting point is 00:13:39 Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds from what looks like a new name. Make some noise for Wilson, everybody. A one word name, Wilson. Howdy? How many cans of beer does it take to kill a man? I don't know, but it only took me one to kill that eight-year-old. Speaking of cans, I never really understood the canned food drive.
Starting point is 00:14:12 This goes to me and like they're homeless, right? How are they going to open it? I doubt they have a can opener, much less a stove. I guess they could see how many cans of food it takes to kill them in. Got a pretty good idea how many an eight-year-old can handle. You know what I mean? So I lost my dad last year to ALS. There's a lot of little sad pit stops that comes with ALS,
Starting point is 00:14:40 a lot of crushing moments, lots of loss. Started with his ability to run, eventually to walk. You know, one day is his ability to eat or even breathe for himself. A lot of sad moments. So I can't tell you how psyched I was when I came in one morning to get him up and he was pitching a tent. I guess I'm the only one who's seen his dad to rock hard and felt real joy. Thank you. All right, Wilson.
Starting point is 00:15:08 I liked it. 40 seconds of straight can comedy crushing. Unbelievable. Very rarely did people do that well with canned jokes. That was great. Never thought about the homeless thing before you got a fucking full applause break from a lane. Oh, I loved it. I love a good homeless guy. You know, I let a homeless guy titty fuck me in the 90s. For charity. Oh, Sam Talon. Was it in Toronto?
Starting point is 00:15:33 Yes. It was Joe Carter. Oh. Oh, hey, when you came out, you have one name. What's the one name thing I'll about? People like it because of maybe Casselway. you know they like screaming it now who are people did you do a survey when you decided to if we're being honest all the subsidy teachers I've ever had my life
Starting point is 00:15:56 you know it just gets a Wilson just scream Wilson thinking they're comedians so when he came out as Wilson did anyone else expect them to be a black man yes I did too yes I was hoping to look like John Lennon sound like Keanu Reeves and and and get a free titty fuck for me after the show Wow. Very attractive is what I'm saying, but the voice, the voice is something to be desired.
Starting point is 00:16:21 Wilson, let's talk about it here. What do you do for work? I'm a landscaper. Wow, white landscaper. Amazing. The rare bird. Here in Austin? Yes, sir.
Starting point is 00:16:33 How long have you lived here? Born raised. Wow, amazing. How long have been doing stand-up? Just under a year. Okay. Are you getting sexier as you go? Are you lowering your voice?
Starting point is 00:16:43 Are you lowering your voice? voice says you're talking what's in your pocket a modulator yeah show us your penis yeah whoa whoa oh oh Elaine sorry that's my new catchphrase show me at the Tropicana next Thursday through Friday two days don't be rude show the lady your penis no Wilson don't do it don't do I don't do it don't do it Wilson okay you turn me on man we're in front of people how old are you Wilson I am 25 and you've been landscaping the whole time yes I had a few jobs before before that. I'm a college dropout. I dropped out to take care of my dad.
Starting point is 00:17:17 Okay. When did your dad pass away? Last year. And what was he doing with his life up until that point? So he made all of his money as a real estate owner. He had his own business bailing people out of the 2008 tax crisis over the housing crisis. Sorry. Yeah. So that's how he made all of his money by the loans from the bank and then cover it. Amazing. ALS, an unbelievably terrible disease. The late great Michael Laird had it, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show,
Starting point is 00:17:51 one of the funniest people and one of my old best friends. It's terrible to watch people go. Is that Lou Gehrig's? Yes, sir. Did he get a tit-fuck Elaine because of that? He would have. Yeah, the best way. Charity for charity.
Starting point is 00:18:05 My joke was real. His dick did still work for surprisingly a long time. They do work. Michael is banging his nurse down to the finish line. It's wild. And he started to say, you remember Michael Laird from the show? And he started to sound like that. Everybody sounds like that towards the end.
Starting point is 00:18:23 How long after his diagnosis did he pass away? Three years. That's normally the thing. It's terrible. Did anything funny happen in your last hello or goodbye or anything? Well, yeah. Other than his rock hard cock. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:39 So it's a robbing erection on his deathbed. So when he passed away, I had just gotten back from going out with my girlfriend. And so he had passed before I was able to say bye. And I had always thought that I would say goodbye. So I went in after he'd passed away. And I remember that he was black-greener than I had pictured someone to look when they had passed away. Yeah. And I remember I went up to my room, you know, I drank a bunch, cried a lot.
Starting point is 00:19:08 And I remember I'd had some mint chip ice cream in the freezer. And that was my favorite. How long is your story? Elaine, for the love of fucking God. I have to pee, I have to pee. Jesus fucking Christ. So I went down to get the minchip ice cream to eat it. You know, I thought it would make me feel better.
Starting point is 00:19:24 And I picked up as empty. And I remembered how green his lips were. And for a little bit, I was more mad about that and not saying goodbye. I was like, you fucking ate my mint chip ice cream that fucking died. There it is. I love that.
Starting point is 00:19:41 I love you that, Wilson. Circle gets a square. Yeah. Tell us something else crazy about you or your life. You have any special skills, talents, hobbies, anything? Yeah. Love hunting, love fishing. I'm a beekeeper.
Starting point is 00:19:57 Dad loved beekeeping. Wow. Wow. Yes. A lot of. Can you look me in the eyes while you talk? Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:06 Because I'm pretty close. Yeah, man. You do. I would love to shave your head. Ladies, am I wrong? I've never felt more alone. All right, hey. Never mind. You're kind of dreamy, Wilson.
Starting point is 00:20:23 No, I get that a lot from men, for sure. So I'm just another slut. But you have a girlfriend full-time? I do, I do. What does she do? She works at a genetic research lab. Wow. Yeah, I wish, right?
Starting point is 00:20:43 Then I wouldn't have a dead dad. Wow, there you go. Why to suck the energy out of the room. Son of a bitch. Wait, how many bees do you keep at once? I was just kidding, I don't give a fuck. All right, you give a book. We're not going to be keeping you any longer.
Starting point is 00:20:58 Wilson, great performance. Here's the big joke book. Here you go, my friend. Wilson, ladies and gentlemen, a fantastic bucket pool representing the bucket. Presenting the bucket tonight where anything can happen. That's his kill-tony debut. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:21:16 Wee, wee. What a sight for my weary eyes. The great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. Her brand new podcast is out. Heidiregina.com. It's Trixine Katty. You're from the Bald and the Beautiful, and we have to talk to you about Audible. If you know anything about us, we are certified.
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Starting point is 00:23:40 We're going to meet Medina all together now. Hey guys. So you can probably tell by looking at me, my pronouns are USA. I usually walk out to Bruce Springsteen, born in the USA, just in case. They had my passport back there. I identify as biracial because my dad is black and my mom is African American. But my body, my body is gentrifying itself.
Starting point is 00:24:20 Yeah, you know you have Vidaligo because it starts with a couple spots and then pretty soon you don't recognize the neighborhood anymore. It's just not what it used to be. Best part about having Vidaligo though is kids always come up to me and ask me what happened to your hand and i get to tell him well when i was your age my mom told me to do something and uh i didn't listen and she smacked the black off me listen to your parents i'll leave it there
Starting point is 00:24:50 thanks guys my name's medina medina i love it first time on the show welcome how long you've been on stand-up three years three years we're at philly region i'm from delaware okay Represent Philly, absolutely. Hell yeah. All right, awesome. And again, I missed it. It was going so fast. What are your parents?
Starting point is 00:25:11 What's the mashup here? Black and black. Black and black. Okay. Black. All right. So the burqa kind of comes out of nowhere there. Yeah, think Malcolm X.
Starting point is 00:25:22 Okay. Yeah. I always do. Yeah. I love it. What do you do for a living? I am a state representative. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:25:35 I like that official in Delaware. Like, where at? Delaware State House. Holy shit. Yeah. How pissed are they going to be that you're on this show? This is wild.
Starting point is 00:25:46 This is crazy. Yeah. And I just had my birthday and I'm getting divorced. Whoa. I love it. Hell yeah. So the relationship, like,
Starting point is 00:25:55 your skin was a bit patchy. A little bit... Oh, nice. That was okay. Yeah. How long were you married to this guy? Twelve years. 12 years, oh my God, why did it end?
Starting point is 00:26:05 Can I ask? Well, I'll just tell you a week after we separated, my eyelids started filling in. So, like, my skin turned brown again, so. That's a good thing. Yeah, it's like stress-induced, so. Wait, break that. So it was like some sort of reverse Sammy Soltz?
Starting point is 00:26:22 What are you talking about? Yeah. So wait, so it was wider than it started getting brown. Yeah, they were both completely white, and then I looked in the mirror the other day, and I was like, huh? I guess getting divorced was the right decision. Well, it's his loss.
Starting point is 00:26:36 What was, what's your favorite? What is your favorite? If it could be... My favorite. Your favorite, what? You didn't even finish the question that you're not supposed to be asking, I mean, I do have favorites.
Starting point is 00:26:46 The favorite, the type of, like, would you prefer to be brown or not brown? What the fuck, Elaine? Are you asking what her favorite color is? Before you ask a question, think about what you're asking. She's from a different time, Tony. Okay?
Starting point is 00:27:01 She's doing her... We could say the N-word of breakfast, okay? So, all right. I'm so sorry, I'm a big fan, though. I mean, my favorite white patches are my eyelids, because it's better for eye shadow. Yes. You're telling me.
Starting point is 00:27:13 But I miss my brown lip liner that I had, like my built-in lip liner. I do miss that. That's a good question. They're on you, but I think it's a question. You are a true politician. I was just gonna say a true politician. Great question. You don't want to lose your constituents, yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:31 The elderly are a big block. Yeah, she, trust me, this is a mail-in ballot if I've ever seen one right here. Yeah. We call her pussy the ballot box. Whoa. Someone just talked their cells out of a titty fuck. Keep up that link.
Starting point is 00:27:48 If I keep losing weight, I can do myself. How long have you been, okay. How long have you been a state representative for? I'm going into my sixth year. Oh, my God. So tell us about that. Tell us what, uh, some things that you didn't. expect about that job we've never had a state representative on the show before this is
Starting point is 00:28:06 amazing oh amazing okay um i would say i wish that we had a light like i wish my colleagues only had so much time because they just go on and on yeah um what else about it uh democrats and republicans all suck exactly i agree with that rock and roll people think i'm a republican all the time they just think i'm a staunch republican but it's not that way at all you're just rich Common sense centrist that just saw in the last election that there was only one option. You're considered a Democrat though, correct? Yeah, but I'm like very far left.
Starting point is 00:28:42 Right, I could tell by the everything. But you have an amazing sense of humor. This is incredible that you would come to this show and do it. So you're taking stand-up very seriously. I took the Greyhound bus. Whoa. Wow, was it totally gray or was it kind of... Blue.
Starting point is 00:28:59 It was blue. That's... Tell us about the Greyhound bus ride on the way here. 7.25 a.m. got on the Greyhound in Fort Worth and stopped in some random town, Hillsborough or something. Okay. Was there a Buckees there at least? No, there was a loves. Okay. All right. We love Buckees around here.
Starting point is 00:29:20 I love it too. I love it. Go ahead, Elaine. I just went to the bus. I've taken the bus many of times. I've been felt up many times. I've been fingered. I've been, the last time I took the bus from Austin to San Antonio was fingered by the bus driver while he was driving. I'll send you a link, but it was, but there's something to be said about the people on the bus.
Starting point is 00:29:41 There's so many different flavors and characters. Did you see anyone that made you go, oh, I'm going to write a joke about them, you know? Yeah, but I'm a politician, so I probably should say that. You're also on a fucking show. And don't get her started on the wheels. the bus driver, I loved hearing her takes on the world. She's really loud. And she was
Starting point is 00:30:05 talking about how, like, he talks about freedom of speech, but apparently not, apparently not for everybody. And, like, she was going in. And I was like, this is the America I love, right? Like, you can have voted for Trump and not agree with everything, just like you can be a Democrat and not suck. Exactly. We exist in multiple
Starting point is 00:30:21 spaces. Absolutely. We all do. We're all meeting in the middle. We are indeed the United States of America, the greatest country in the world. I wish I could vote that fucking gun thing's caught up to me I'd love to give you one vote
Starting point is 00:30:38 I won in 2020 I won a primary by 43 votes what every vote counts wow we all know what a primary is too yeah what does that mean exactly Sam I don't get it I was being facetious please explain no we know we know what a primary is
Starting point is 00:30:56 oh I don't you don't no I don't what the fuck What's going on with you? I've been eating a lot of raspberries. I don't vote. I don't like the tyranny of democracy. I believe in freedom. Wow, great.
Starting point is 00:31:10 I would love to live in your country, Sam. You do. It's the best one. What? Okay. Where else can all of us hang out? We got fucking these guys over there, you know? Mike sleeveless, we got a blind black guy. That's worth two.
Starting point is 00:31:26 There's a lot of progress being made up here. Is that fair to say, ma'am? Let's get back to the guests here. So, when you were campaigning, was there any, did you have any big moments where, like, you knew you were going to win or like a big, or like some type of, like, you know, just a big catchphrase or something that, like, got you victory?
Starting point is 00:31:50 You know, like Biden, for example, lost because he was dead, right? And he couldn't do anything. He couldn't speak in public. so we know why he lost. Trump got shot at, kind of swung it, came up with blood,
Starting point is 00:32:05 fucking pumped his fist. People are like, oh shit. Like he won. Yeah. So like, did you have any moments? Like, you know, remember the great Howard Dean
Starting point is 00:32:12 who kind of was like the front runner? And then he went crazy going, Manusona. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us about your campaign. Do you have any tricks, catchphrases, anything?
Starting point is 00:32:24 Going up against some. Yeah, I mean, it's really corny now. Yeah, let's do it. but it was, let's make a difference together. Wow, wow. Wow. Unbelievable, Delaware. Yeah, earth-shattering.
Starting point is 00:32:37 Yeah. They weren't ready. I mean, we won. It was close, but. Does anybody ever think you work in the bed, bath, and beyond part of Target? Did you ever use your Vologo? Am I saying that right? Vigilo.
Starting point is 00:32:51 Vidaligo? Yeah. Vidaligo? Vidaligo? Vidalago? Skyri-Rigo. Lago. You ever use that to your advantage while campaigning? Like, I bring
Starting point is 00:33:01 everyone together. Look, I'm this and I'm that. No? Is there a yamaca under that? Samuel, Samuel, Samuel, Samuel, Samuel. Samuel. That's when you get crossed the aisle. Samuel. Samuel. Is there? Is there? No. No, okay. No. I love it. Anything else crazy? We should know about you, Medina. Any other?
Starting point is 00:33:22 Sometimes I have Stevie Wonder breeds with beads Under here, since you were wondering. Stevie Wonder braids. Yeah, like, just imagine, like, hotter than July, like the album cover. D. Madness has Stevie Wonder eyes. Might be a reference. Much different than the hair stuff. I'm actually in a hooting-in-the-blow-fish cover band called Stevie Wonder's Eyes.
Starting point is 00:33:40 Oh, you just knocked a Red Bull on your pussy. Well, looks like it's time to squirt. Another one of my catchphrases. Thank you, Michael. Not the first time. You can see me the Tropicana next Thursday and Friday. Oh, perfect. I think your pussy has one. wings now.
Starting point is 00:33:56 The Red Bull can landed. It was already red. A Red Bull can on your pussy, Elaine. Don't you make my pussy mustache fall off? Elaine, I didn't hear it hit the floor, though. It's true. It swallowed it up. It drank it.
Starting point is 00:34:12 It hit me with a Stargate suction cups down. Here we go. Wait, wait, wait. All right, good job, Red Band. You fired, Red Band. Could have hit any button in the world, and you made a noise with your mouth. You ready. Then do it, ready, red band?
Starting point is 00:34:26 Ready? Here you go. One, two, three. Perfect. Red band. How dare you? My son is watching this. Medina, I love your style.
Starting point is 00:34:38 Congratulations. Amazing stuff and a state representative. Boom. Got it. The Kilt Sony debut of Medina. Let me tell ya, we are on a streak with this bucket of one of my favorite coincidences in the world. incidences in the world, and that is one word names.
Starting point is 00:34:56 Let me remind you, we've had Wilson Medina and three in a row. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. All right, there you go. Awesome. Make some noise for Dex, everybody. It's Dex. I look like I ran here.
Starting point is 00:35:31 At the gym, they call me the stair master. Why is there an F and KFC? Because when you buy some, hell yeah, you got F and KFC. I should introduce myself, my name's Dex, which is cool, because I look like a Doug. I look like Corinthians 420 I think sometimes
Starting point is 00:36:08 I think porn is addicted to me I think ludicrous was real skinny until he started singing get out the way that's a weight protein joke.
Starting point is 00:36:29 Do you know what is really odd? Half of all integers. And that joke about ludicrous. What was that about? All right, all right, Dex. So, minute 15 seconds. One more time for Dex, everybody. Dex, grab that mic.
Starting point is 00:36:48 I'm going to interview you now. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome to the show, brother. You have your own style, very defined, very funny. Hell yeah. How long you've been doing stand-up? Five years, two, for real. I love it. Where at?
Starting point is 00:37:05 Montana. Okay, that was. And for people with mental illness. Yep. Because I have mental illness. We can tell. What exactly have you been diagnosed with, Dex? Bipolar right after graduating as an engineer.
Starting point is 00:37:19 That's got to be tough in the heat. Two can play at this game, Dex. Dex, Dex, Dex, Dex. So you graduated from college to be an engineer. How did you know what was happening to where you went to get a diagnosis of bipolar? Oh, just lost my mind, literally. Tell us about that.
Starting point is 00:37:47 Oh, it's like Halloween. And, oh, this is fascinating. Because I'm from Montana, drove out east. Actually, I was... Slow it down. You're doing good, Dex. You're doing good. You're doing good.
Starting point is 00:37:58 You don't want to slow it down too much here. So... You're doing just fine. There was a... Seriously, a 400-pound... When I was losing... The church was like, oh, go help that lady. And so I did for two years.
Starting point is 00:38:13 You helped a 400-pound lady. She was a hoarder. Hell yeah. Or hurrah? Uh-huh. Shout out. She wanted her cousin. to move in with her so we got it ready and then I flew out to Baltimore and lost my mind I was three days homeless out there and then the guy and Helena is like don't call the cops because I finally I tore up my credit card and then went to the hospital oh yeah I remember carrot top even though I didn't use his number but yeah I called my dad and he came rescued me that's crazy how does carrot top fit into this because I was using 1-800 call ATT and I was like carrot top and he's like
Starting point is 00:38:51 No, that's not his number. Ah, you made a collect call. Yeah. The name that you used was Carrot Top. Yeah, that's the fastest I've ever told that story. That's good. No, you're doing good. How many times a week would you say you use fentanyl?
Starting point is 00:39:09 Ooh, I was, oh, I shouldn't say this. Yes, you should. You're on the show. This is the time to share the interesting parts of your life. Fuck, I work at this little cabin, and there was like one little one. I was like, oh, that's prescription, and then it had an M on it. No, it had a letter on it, and I was like, oh, that's some serious stuff. What the fuck is going on?
Starting point is 00:39:33 What's happening? What's going on? What do you say? Am I high? Yeah. Am I in a prank show right now? Red Band. You're doing good. It's like we got high through osmosis when you came out. Now, when you tell the stories, do they make sense to you?
Starting point is 00:39:48 Is there someone else in there finishing the story? There is someone. I heard the voice at some point go, you're going too fast, you're going too fast. Slow it down, Dan. Yeah. It's like, well, your timing is fun. All joking aside, your timing is very funny.
Starting point is 00:40:06 You got a lot of laughs when you said integer. I got real nervous, but you said. Also excited. Hit me, Mike. Yep. So let's talk about it, Dex. Your stand-up is. the thing that brings you the most joy in the world, right?
Starting point is 00:40:22 Yeah. And you travel around and you do that, but you mostly do it in Montana, correct? Yeah, but I've road tripped here, so I'm at least going to spend a week. We're going to get on the circuit. When you say we, are you talking about the voices in your head? Shit.
Starting point is 00:40:35 Or did you come with somebody from Montana? No, just me and my van. I love it. I love it. So you have a van, and you're sleeping in the van, I'm guessing? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, awesome. Guessing it's not a lot of sleeping in that van.
Starting point is 00:40:47 I think it's a lot of sleeping in that van. I think it's a lot of... Anything crazy happen on your drive here from Montana? Yeah, last Sunday I signed a woman's boobs as Forrest Gump. Nice. Wow, very nice. All right, all right, I'll show you. No, no, no, Elaine, we can't do it.
Starting point is 00:41:05 YouTube has big restrictions here. Thank you for calling them big. Yes. Dex, very interesting. How do you make money? Oh, fuck. I just worked for my folks, but yeah. What do your folks do?
Starting point is 00:41:23 They're decently off, so I just, like, mow long. I do as much as I can with mental illness. It's fucking hard. It's hard to be an adult where you're just like, oh, I suck at this. How old are you, Dex? Forty-two. Okay, awesome. But we can do it as long as we have someone holding my hand.
Starting point is 00:41:39 You're doing a great job, man. Yeah, wow. I like that style, buddy. Also, Dex, I like your jokes. The jokes were great. They were quick, man. There was a great word economy. You got good jokes.
Starting point is 00:41:50 You got a mental illness. You're kind of perfect for the show. I mean, this feels... I've got 400 of them. Four hundred jokes? You got 400 jokes? Yeah, but I'm perfect for a five minute. I can't even stand more than five minutes.
Starting point is 00:42:04 That's amazing. You're doing a great job, Dex. Are you on medicine now? Did they have you on medicine? No, so, yeah, yeah. So I quit all that stuff. When did you quit? After five years.
Starting point is 00:42:15 I was in and out of the hospital. But when, when, how long ago did you close? 10 years ago. Perfect. We've been doing good. We've only had one relapse. I went to schizophrenic on a river trip. And those 17 people don't hang out with me.
Starting point is 00:42:28 Nothing beats a jet to holiday. Wow. Wow. That's hysterical death. Oh, do you want a kiddie fuck me in your van tonight? I really like your style. I really like your style. You can bring some white protein.
Starting point is 00:42:47 Dude, you don't blink. It's terrifying. I got to be honest. Actually, wait, stop blinking. It's worse. Tell us about the relapse with the 17 people, just out of curiosity, because it seems so interesting.
Starting point is 00:43:01 It seems like you have a real grasp on this thing that you're aware of it when it's happening, that you're used to it. Yeah, I'm like, I got my van, I've got my shuttle all set up, and then bro is just like, can I get a ride? and then he has these shrimp scampy that he doesn't even put in a cooler
Starting point is 00:43:16 and then they eat those that was crazy but I just lose every night of sleep on that trip and then I just I don't go at any no sleep for six days you will lose your mind and the no sleep hold on the no sleep is because of the manic episode
Starting point is 00:43:32 or because of drugs? No just I'm zero drugs so it's just it was the shrimp scampy yeah so six days with no sleep And then what happened? Oh, I see. Yeah, so like, yeah, I could just document it
Starting point is 00:43:48 because it's more than drugs. Like, it's crazy. Like, everything's just like, whoa. So what happened on the relapse that you're talking about? Like, what happened? Do you remember what happened to where the people don't want to hang out with you anymore? Oh, yeah, then they just dropped me off at my parents' house
Starting point is 00:44:03 because that's where I have to live with mental illness. And then, oh, I ran, that night, I was like, oh, fuck, it's like a forest scene in here. And then I ran out. I ran out, I just ran naked. I was gonna run into the woods. There we go. Now we're talking.
Starting point is 00:44:16 This is what I'm looking for. But then there's clarity because, and then I just, I say, fuck you, mom and dad or something like that. And you're naked at the time? No, actually I said, they're Catholics. I was like, no, I literally said, I'm masturbating.
Starting point is 00:44:31 And then I thought my dad was going to run after me. So I'm just booked. What? Was that the hope? Yeah. Is that how you get off? So I'm getting. up the street, and then my neighbor...
Starting point is 00:44:43 You guys are interrupting greatness, by the way. Let Dex fucking talk. You put the fucking microphones down. Dex, keep going. And then my neighbors... And then my neighbor's just like, whoa. And I'm like, push him, push him. Because I think my dad is chasing after me. Be a spotlight, Kino.
Starting point is 00:44:59 Keep going, Dex. We have mountains that are about a mile away. But then the police... Police department's a half a mile away. So I'm just like, let's run there because they have those CIA. officers that help with mental illness. Yes.
Starting point is 00:45:14 And then I say, hey, I need a CIT officer. I fucking love you. I really do. You're just cool as fuck, Dex. How much time do you have your 400 jokes? Yeah, and we can stay here as long. My plan is to stay here for a month. If it worked out and I got on, so this is wild.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Yeah, you're in it right now, Dex. Fuck, yeah. I love people like it. Oh, yeah, thank you. Mentally ill people that know they're mentally ill and admit to being mentally ill and aren't all fucking, you know, some people really, really, really, really do need medication and this and that, but it seems like you're just kind of aware of your situation. Do you, when did that last, what you call a relapse happen, the river trip? Right. And since then, nothing?
Starting point is 00:46:11 And do you sometimes feel something coming on and make changes? Yeah, I dedicated my life to sleep. Sleep was like a bus that you get on, and then I constantly missed that bust. So... Wow. This is amazing. This is real. I love this.
Starting point is 00:46:35 Do you have a catchphrase? Hell, yeah. That's what we were going to say. what we were going to say, but we only got a minute. That's right. Yep. Anything else for decks, guys? You said you document
Starting point is 00:46:50 when you're having an episode. How do you document it? Is it like just writing out all work and no play, or do you film it? Or what do you do? Oh, fuck. Like, at a campfire when people want to listen to a four-hour story? Who listens to it? You call your... Oh, 17 people. And I threw them under the bus
Starting point is 00:47:06 just for comedy, but they'd done. I don't get invited to a dinner party. You're not missing out. Dinner parties are overrated. You know, it's not. Getting titty fuck in your van denies. I'm not joking. I'm not joking.
Starting point is 00:47:20 Dex, I think it's great that you're taking personal accountability for your mental health and I think it's very brave. Very cool. You did an excellent job at the comedy, too, man. Yeah, very cool. Very cool, man. Dex, I think you're built for this.
Starting point is 00:47:32 Yeah. Of course. Confident, funny. You want to do a spot on the Secret Show on Thursday? Hell yeah, there you go. If you're not gonna do it, I will, you fucking dork. Boom. You get to open up the Secret Show in five minutes.
Starting point is 00:47:54 This fucking stiff ass, if you had just B cup tities, he would have had you on. There's his name. Write it on your little lineup. Next time I bump you like that, maybe you should just do it yourself. Looks like you're in control of things. Dex, you're doing this secret show on Thursday night at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You just got booked for a real gig.
Starting point is 00:48:16 How many of you are gonna go Thursday just to see Dex? See that? Look at that, Red Bank. Fucking liars. Oh, Dex, here's a big joke book, buddy. There you go. Boom. Make some noise for Dex. One more time for Dex. Get some information from Dex so that Red Bank can contact. Red Bank can contact and get a phone number or a license plate or something, whatever we have to do.
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Starting point is 00:49:52 Nicotine is an addictive chemical. With Amex platinum, access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets can score you a spot trackside. So being a fan for life turns into the trip of a lifetime. That's the powerful backing of Amex. pre-sale tickets for future events subject to availability and vary by race terms and conditions apply learn more at mx.ca slash y annex all right your next bucket pool goes by the name of busco jones everybody you guys having fun out there so for a little while in my 20s i thought i was gay turned out though i was just really really bad with
Starting point is 00:50:36 the women. I am what my daughter's generation would have called a scent, which all that means is just being nice to women, which if you know anything about your teens and 20s, women don't want that, or they're not interested in that. So I learned I'll become an asshole, and now I am a father of three with two women. So it worked out. My wife is bi, polar. Not the fun one. It is entertaining a little bit. It's like a psycho thriller though, not like sexy, cool, fun type of thing going on. So I am married.
Starting point is 00:51:17 Anybody happily married in here? Bunch of lion motherfuckers. I didn't get married to be happy. Marriage is not, it rhymes with mortgage. It's not a happy word. A happy word is, mistress. It's mysterious. It's short, it's fun.
Starting point is 00:51:40 I've been Busco Jones. Thank you all very much. Busco. All right. So it's Busco, not Busco. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir, yes, sir. All right, well, welcome back.
Starting point is 00:51:49 Guys, what did you think about Busco? You know, Busco? That means to search, correct? I search. Yes, sir. I'm searching for the punchlines. But no, no. Busco, here's what I think, man.
Starting point is 00:51:59 You have a confidence and you're like calm. Right. It's just when the jokes catch up to that, I think you're really going to have something, you know? I mean that I'm trying to give you... Because you're not nervous. It's like you're laid back, you know? I think you're engaging.
Starting point is 00:52:13 It's just when the jokes get there, man, I think there's going to be something special. Although, you are also sweating, though, pretty profuse. You're dripping, well, yeah, you're dripping. Way more nervous than you're telling me. Really? But I appreciate that. I didn't see until you turn that your face looks glazed like a hand.
Starting point is 00:52:25 So wet. Just so wet. I happen to think you were very confident. You do have Chili's bouncer energy. Nice. Thank you. She's a compliment. But you came out.
Starting point is 00:52:35 You grabbed the mic. you knew where to put it, and you knew what to put one foot in front of the other. But Sam's right, the jokes. It's going to take time. How long have you been doing Santa, how long? I'll open Mike's for about 10 years. You go to Chili's a lot, Elaine? Oh, my God, I practically live there.
Starting point is 00:52:47 You got a coupon? What do you get when you go there? That's a personal question. The shrimps can be. Hit me, Mike. Thank you, unbelievably amazing. Busco, you've been on the show once or twice before? Twice, twice.
Starting point is 00:53:03 Okay. Tell us something about you that we didn't learn the other times you on. You've been on before I remember all the sets have kind of been just okay and then whatever. Fair enough. So let's, you've had some time to think about this. The most interesting thing? You sign up every week?
Starting point is 00:53:18 No, no, I can't get down here every week but whenever I get down here. Okay. For sure. I mean, I'm, I don't know, it sounds lame, I'm a father of twins. That's it, just those two? That's pretty cool. That's fun. Okay, you have to, if you have to tell us how cool it is, then.
Starting point is 00:53:34 Imagine we don't know why it's cool. No, no. I'm a successful real estate agent, which is... You do the comedy of a successful real estate. Exactly. I'm no longer at the pizza place anymore, which is great. Y'all gave them a huge bump. Did you get fired from that? No, I quit.
Starting point is 00:53:52 I was good. I was only there for like two years just for kind of fun. Is that your real estate company on the shirt? Yeah, yes. Is that why you came out here to just be a human billboard for 60 seconds? I mean, this is a capitalist society. I'm not against that. It wouldn't hurt.
Starting point is 00:54:09 But I'm still trying. Other than the fact that you coincidentally made twins with your sperm, is there anything else interesting about you that we don't know about your entire life? No, I can't beat decks, dude. You are correct. You can't. That's insane.
Starting point is 00:54:24 You already have a little joke book, right? Go fill it up with good jokes, Bousco. There he goes. Busco Jones, everybody. Some interviews go longer. Some. I just fly right through. That's one of those short interviews.
Starting point is 00:54:38 We are going to go with a very special treat. This is this guy's Kill Tony debut. He came recommended by Shane Gillis, James McCann, and Sam Talent. He's visiting from Perth, Australia. This is the Kill Tony debut of Andrew Woolf. Whoa! Hey guys, how you going? You good?
Starting point is 00:55:04 Yeah, I'm not well. Thanks for asking. I don't know if you get a vibe. I'm not right in the head. Do you feel this? I'm Steve Irwin on math. Instead of crockle-is, I'm wrestling the homeless, you fuckheads.
Starting point is 00:55:19 How good's America? Can we give it a clap? Land of the free, home of the gun. My only complaint is a tourist. Why can't I get one from the airport? What the fuck's going on? I'm walking into call of duty without a weapon, you motherfuckers.
Starting point is 00:55:33 I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm getting fucking... I'll tell you, every time I'm getting on stage, I'm scaring the fuck out of people. I feel it now. You're looking at me like you've got into an Uber and realised the driver doesn't have the app.
Starting point is 00:55:50 He's just staring back. He's locked the windows. He's got his dick out going, let's ride! Staring at you in the rearview mirror. Have any of you guys looked at the mirror and seen your reflection? It's so bad you've had to take a day off work. Have you had that?
Starting point is 00:56:04 Spend the day. Fuck it. I just want to be more comfortable. comfortable in my body. Are you guys comfortable in your bodies? Not everyone gets it. My ex's mother-in-law, she had plastic surgery at 67. 67, is that leaving it a bit late? That's like renovating a house three weeks before the demolition. What are you doing? She got a boob job. That's like taping two balloons to a skeleton. Holy fuck. It's Halloween. It's a house of horrors with two ghosts in front. I'm dating her right now, so chill the fuck out, hey. The sex is no good.
Starting point is 00:56:42 And you guys good at sex? Exactly. No one said fuck all. No one teaches you how to be good at sex. Growing up, you learn about sex the same way you learn about ghosts. An older kid takes you into the woods and scares the fuck out of you. Thank you very much. Fuck yes. Andrew Wolfe, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Thank you for having me. Amazing stuff, especially there towards the end. I'm sorry, early on in your set when you're like, I don't know if you could tell, but I'm kind of crazy,
Starting point is 00:57:10 too, before you was Dax. Oh, dude. I mean, like, you seem like a fucking heart surgeon after death. So, like, it's incredible. No one understands what the fuck I'm saying. I can feel like. You're doing good, but. I feel like I'm in a foreign country trying to order food.
Starting point is 00:57:24 Get me some bread, cunt. I don't know what's going on. I love it. How long are you... This is scary as well. This reminds me of my mom, this guy. Yeah. Just staring at me, quick comedy and go back to accounting, you fucking loser.
Starting point is 00:57:38 Go back to accounting. She's like my inner monologue, just chatting on. I don't know where her personality ends and my mental health begins, hey? Right. All I know is I can't gas myself in a car anymore because they've lowered the emissions. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. I fucking love it.
Starting point is 00:58:02 Yeah, man. High energy, I've been bombing in that other room. Yeah, you have to tell them how the other set went. You don't have to tell them, oh, my other things, I'm going so good. Just keep going, keep doing good. This is the one that matters. Yeah, this matters, baby. Let's give it up for Gil Toney!
Starting point is 00:58:20 How long you've been doing stand-up? Oh, 2012, long enough to quit, dude, I should have given up. No, you're doing great. Nothing's happened for me. But I do live in the most isolated city in the world, so not. No one's seen me. That's true. Who knows?
Starting point is 00:58:36 It might change now, go. Perth. Specifically used in the movie Kill Bill because it is such an isolated city that that's where the elite assignment bill supposedly moved to. That's like known for being an isolated city. Tell us about Perth. Fuck, it's a scary place, guys, hey. Everyone from Perth is called Sandgroopers in Australia.
Starting point is 00:58:59 I don't know if you know the word groper, but that's a word for sexual assault. That means sexual assault, so that sense at all. But Jack Delamela, Mattelina's from there. Okay. He lives nearby. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't respect me. Why?
Starting point is 00:59:17 Well, I'm a small, feeble man. Hey, look at me. I'm a nerd. Yeah, but Perth's amazing, hey? You should come there sometime. Yeah, that's on the eastern side of Australia. Yeah. Is the weather there good?
Starting point is 00:59:29 The weather's hot as shit, dude. Look at me. I look 65 years old. That's true. Might be time for some plastic surgery. Oh, dude, I need it. As soon as I get some money, I just, I don't know. I can't even get a good hair cut.
Starting point is 00:59:40 I look like a middle-aged housewife with a perm, hey. Is gold mining still a big thing in Perkins? Yeah, that's all we do. Right. Two weeks in the hole? Two weeks out of the hole on mat. Do you do that sometimes? Nah, dude, they won't trust me down the hole.
Starting point is 00:59:53 Tell them what you did. Tell them how good you are at business. Oh, I'm a failed stockbroker. So I used to work in a boiler room. We do 300 calls a day. Yeah, convincing retirees to give us their life savings. And it didn't work out for you? It didn't work out for me or for them, to be honest.
Starting point is 01:00:12 But it almost worked out for you, right? They ring up and the stocks are down. I'm like, well, you've got to spend money to make money. We're down 90%. We're going to come good from here, Cheryl. Wow, poor Cheryl. Poor Cheryl. No, I'm out of that now, so.
Starting point is 01:00:27 Yeah, why? What happened to the last? Tell that story you told me that I cried and threw up. Well, I actually did well at stockbroking. I used to have five houses, had some money, but it turns out bipolar is a hell of a drug, hey, fucks me out. You're bipolar, too? Yeah, type two. They diagnosed you?
Starting point is 01:00:45 Type two. Redband has type two as well. Yeah. All right. You're better than new. No, he's not anymore. He changed his life around, which you could do at any point. Sam Talent looks fantastic.
Starting point is 01:01:01 Yeah, he looks. Great, great. Red Band's trying to do Sam's fat jokes from a year ago. Hey, you're fatter than me. Sam looks amazing. He looks a bit like the wizard from the, the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, to be honest. Wow.
Starting point is 01:01:16 Oh, that's too mean. Fuck, I fucked up. That's a brand new movie over in Perth, Australia. Just got that one. I had some early good jokes, and now I'm fucking bottling it. No, you're doing good. I love how hyper-aware you are. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:28 Do you take any... Oh, my God. Sorry, they get choked on a pub. Do you take anything before you go on stage, or is this all raw, natural excitement? Yeah, I'm just, like, frenetic all the time. Just panicky. Yeah, you are.
Starting point is 01:01:42 I'm not comfortable in my own skin, to be honest. I'm like O.J. Simpson's hand in a glove, hey, not. Not comfortable in your own skin. Tell me about it. Yeah, not comfortable. Did you tell the story that Sam wanted you to tell about? You got to tell that story. I don't remember the story.
Starting point is 01:01:58 We had five times. Yeah, you tell the story. So you lost, like, fucking what? Millions of dollars on the stock market. And then you called the suicide hotline in Australia. And they sent a guy over to your house. And what happened? Well, he came there in white gloves on a scooter.
Starting point is 01:02:17 And he was meant to be medicating me. And I said, like, I've lost all this money. I lost $1.4 million. And he was like, $1.4 million. That's so bad. If I had $1.4 million, I quit this job and leave immediately. And it's like, you're not fucking helping it, you motherfucker. Yeah, that's basically what happened, man.
Starting point is 01:02:44 That is a great story. Sam, do you have any other of his stories that he could tell? Yeah, he's better at the stories. You had to tell half the story before he's like, oh, yeah, I remember that happened to me. I mean, dude, this guy, this guy, like, he's open for me in Australia and you do not want to fucking follow this guy. It's brutal.
Starting point is 01:03:00 You're a killer. But he gets here Monday, and I text Egett, and I'm like, hey, my buddy's in town. McCann tells him. You get on over there. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, you bombed horrifically.
Starting point is 01:03:11 He's so bad that you texted me. So, so sorry, mate. Straight on my way to the airport. Yeah. I was in America, but for 24 hours, I've ruined your good name. You worked so hard to build this. And now I've ruined it.
Starting point is 01:03:25 I've dragged it through the mug. And I said, fuck, I wish I had my money. back? Yeah, yeah, he did. So then I text Eaget and I'm like, oh, sorry about my guy. He said he bombed. And he was like, well, many people in the room would agree with that. I thought he was delightful.
Starting point is 01:03:40 Yeah. He said my set was cute. Oh, that's a ringing in doors. But we say the C word quite a lot. You'd have to beep it out. Yeah. Every second line, because you're performing to minors. Do you know what? Yeah, in Perth, you are. They're on the ground. Minesas don't really
Starting point is 01:03:56 understand. You know, they've seen... What? Where are these miners at that you think they're out there? What, underage people or the miners? I don't know, you tell me, you said it. Mining people that go down the hole. Right. Do you know, they're pretty dumb.
Starting point is 01:04:09 You're just going to do sounds and movement. Still don't know which one you're talking about. Yeah, I don't. Oh, okay. Now I got it for sure. That's comedy in Perth. I love it. I kill over there, you fucks.
Starting point is 01:04:24 Catchphrase. How many other shirts like that do you have? What's it? I'll say it in slower in English. Sorry, Mom, what's going on? No, how many other shirts like that, Jab? I like your shirt. I've only got one shirt.
Starting point is 01:04:35 I lost everything, I told you. Perfect. It's good for me. I'm sleeping in this. I'm living in this. I'm gonna fucking get buried in this. Let's be honest. Unbelievable. I love it.
Starting point is 01:04:45 It's a great shirt. Right shirt. Thanks, mate. Absolutely. So how long are you in America for? I leave tomorrow, but I'm coming back. Unfortunately, for you guys. When are you coming back?
Starting point is 01:04:57 As soon as possible. But why are you leaving then? Oh, well, I've got to get the visa sorted. So it's in process. Oh, well. People are helping out. All right. She got a master card.
Starting point is 01:05:05 They take it 99% of place. Very funny, Samuel. Fuck out. Thank you so much for having you all. I think you're absolutely hilarious. Congratulations, Andrew Wolfe. Thank you very much. Amazing stuff.
Starting point is 01:05:18 Here, take a big joke book with you. That'll help with your visa. Yes. Sell it in Pugh. All right. Hell yeah. There he is. The great Andrew Wolfe between him.
Starting point is 01:05:34 Oh my God. The legend. Polly sure has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Polly, grab that mic. Oh, my God. The crowd goes wild. Sorry, I'm late, dude. Sorry.
Starting point is 01:05:51 You're good. You're here, buddy. Okay, I'm okay. Yeah. How's the show been going? Good? Yeah, fuck yeah. Cool.
Starting point is 01:05:57 You're the third bipolar guy to come out tonight. Well, I'm also bisexual, so that's good. Yeah. We all happening. We love you, Polly. What's going on, buddy? I just, I don't know if you guys know this. Rob Schneider's the what, you said?
Starting point is 01:06:12 Frontrunner for guest to be in. He's the frontrunner for guests of the year. That's pretty fucking cool. Last year was Harlan Williams. And next year's going to be fucking Adam Ray. No, the year before that was Adam Ray. The first guest to the year was Adam Ray. Second was Harlan Williams.
Starting point is 01:06:27 Give it up for Red Band. What's up, bro? All right. He's our friends. Good save, Goldberg. A friend of mine saw you yesterday. Were you at a convention yesterday? I was. I was hanging out with our friends down there.
Starting point is 01:06:39 It was, yeah, down in... What was the convention? Was it a 90s convention or something? Was Mario Lopez there? Was it Meet Your Heroes from the late 80s convention? You know, many years ago, Tony. I did several films that touched America's hearts. Yes, you are absolutely correct.
Starting point is 01:07:05 I agree completely. Elaine, sit down, sit down. So several years later, here we are, it still resonates, so that's why we go there and we give back. The Jews called a mitzvah, we give back, you know what I mean? We give it back, so it's nice. Polly, do you have something very heavy in that pocket? No, it's just my iPhone, bro.
Starting point is 01:07:24 Oh, yeah, that's it, yeah. When you say the Jews, we say the Jews, we give back, you know what I mean? believe in giving back. What exactly are you talking about? Careful, careful, Polly. You have a Twitter. Easy. I'm talking about, like, if you slightly attack them,
Starting point is 01:07:37 they give back a lot more than you did to them. We mostly just give to other Jews. Right, yeah, I think so. That's what I've noticed. All right, well, I just want to say hello to everybody. Want to say what's up? Polly, we love you. Polly, we love you.
Starting point is 01:07:51 We love you, Polly. Good Yentif, good Yentif to everyone. Lezo. One more time for the legend, Pauli Shore. You never know who's gonna stick their head out. You are in Austin, Texas, the comedy capital of the world. I know a lot of people think it's Riyadh, Saudi Arabia right now. I saw, they called themselves the new comedy capital of the world on a post I saw today.
Starting point is 01:08:15 Can you believe that? Riyadh, Saudi Arabia thinks they just bought being the new comedy capital of the world. Never. We turned it down, if you're wondering. Red Band and I turned down a million bucks each instead of going to Saudi Arabia. And they tripled it. Yeah, we said no.
Starting point is 01:08:36 They tripled the offer. We said no again, because what's the point of fucking standing up for America every once in a while if you're going to sell out at the last second? So, yeah. If anybody wants to donate, yeah, this guy gets it.
Starting point is 01:08:52 Thank you. I, on the other hand, accept it, but I missed my flight. It was a bus. You missed your bus. I missed my bus. Bonnie, we'll keep it in. Maybe it's just a phase you're going through. You'll get over it.
Starting point is 01:09:08 I can't help you with that. The next appointment is in six months. You're not alone. Finding mental health support shouldn't leave you feeling more lost. At CAMH, we know how frustrating it can be trying to access care. We're working to be. build a future where the path to support is clear, and every step forward feels like progress,
Starting point is 01:09:27 not another wrong turn. Visit camh.ca to help us forge a better path for mental health care. Halloween is on Disney Plus. Hello. So you can feel a little fear. What's this? Whoa.
Starting point is 01:09:44 Or a little more fear. I see dead people. Or a lot of fear. Mom. Or you can get completely terrified. Choose wisely with Halloween on Disney Plus. All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool.
Starting point is 01:10:10 Frankie Magoo. you have no idea how much shit is on your MacBook Pro in which you haven't deleted yet, whereas you think your iPhone, you can just delete the text and photos hide them. But when somebody that you've been with for, let's call it 15 years, opens that MacBook Pro and guesses that password, you have no fucking idea what you said to your mom 12 years ago. you were not jacked that that girlfriend of yours was coming home
Starting point is 01:10:54 demeaning or not I would say the worst shit ever yeah we were engaged after the ninth year called that off had a year and a half off it's the best year and a half of my entire
Starting point is 01:11:11 fucking life we got back together because you saw how happy I was because it legitimately was the time of my life and we were together for four more years until she read the 15 years of my text messages and photos and that was that. All right, Frankie McGue, ladies and gentlemen,
Starting point is 01:11:38 with one of the most, what has to be one of the most, one of the most, one of the most, one of the most, What do I say? What would I call this? One of the most silent receptions of the night. Your first comedian with absolute zero mental illness. And you guys wonder how the golden ticket winners get the golden tickets. I mean, this is what happens when you were raised with two parents.
Starting point is 01:12:04 Am I correct? They were in your life the whole time? Still together? Yes. Yes, I can tell. No trauma whatsoever. No they hate one another. No childhood trauma at all.
Starting point is 01:12:13 This is my first time at stand up. It's adorable. Okay, then you're okay. For sure. It's all right. My original Instagram name was Crackerboro Kid 55. Wow, amazing. So you've been watching this show for a long time? Day one.
Starting point is 01:12:25 Day one, I love it. Well, you should have done a joke, Frankie. Yeah. But I love it. You decided to go with the truth story. You took a chance. Polly Shore and good gracious. Yeah, you're in it.
Starting point is 01:12:37 What you got going on back there? It's amazing. What are you saying? You got lost in Polly Shore's eyes and that's why you bombed? That's a fact. Whoa. Frankie, this is the first time we've had. Dee Madness is back, ladies.
Starting point is 01:12:50 Yeah, Demadness! Yeah. Hey, Dee. So Frankie, let's talk about it. It's your first time doing stand-up. Why did you not practice at an open mic or something like that? I've tried a few open mics around, but they've just been general, you know, eight to 15, 20 people crowds.
Starting point is 01:13:08 And I moved to Austin four or five months ago. Did you stand-up? No. Oh. No, I moved for work. Okay. What do you do for a living? Affordable housing, finance, development.
Starting point is 01:13:20 So I, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. All right, guys. I never said that I was good at Commonplace. I'm sure I love these people. We love you, Frankie. It's okay. It's all right.
Starting point is 01:13:33 Everybody's got to start somewhere, right? That's right. Tell us something interesting about your life that we might find funny. You have an unbelievably ridiculously powerful hairline. You have no childhood trauma. Your parents are together. There's nothing funny about you so far. But we're trying to find it.
Starting point is 01:13:49 This is the part where I try to dig deep into your soul and figure out what might be funny about you. So help me to understand what do you think might be something. You've watched a lot of the show. You've seen almost every episode. You know how this part works. Give us some vulnerability or something because your hair is about to eat your eyebrows.
Starting point is 01:14:08 Your life is so perfect. You need this so not at all that there's just nothing happening. There's between, there was two comedians up here, between the two of them, they had 15 personalities, and you have zero. And yet you stand there, just like they did, holding the same mic that they did.
Starting point is 01:14:29 Help me find out what might be inside of there. What do you got? Anything of you? I bet you just have a huge cock and everything, don't you? You got two laptops, a Costco card, and when you come, you say, good gracious, don't you? Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself, Elaine.
Starting point is 01:14:45 You fucking sexy bitch. You earned yourself a titty grab. That's right. Thank you. So here's some character. I moved to Texas, to Austin, with a company in which... You've got to get to the point. You got to fire up.
Starting point is 01:15:01 I moved here. There you go. I resigned from the company. And I've been living Airbnb to Airbnb scouring. deals for the past, I don't know, six months. So I don't... You work in affordable housing. Oh, oh, no, no, no, no.
Starting point is 01:15:19 So I am, as of right now, I manage rental houses that I accumulated through boo through college. Uh-huh. Yeah. And so, if you tell them to boo, they're definitely going to boo, by the way. Rule number one is don't tell them to boo. This is a lot more fucking action than I got earlier. You like the booze rather than silence?
Starting point is 01:15:42 Well, hell yeah, I'm looking at all these people with smug faces, and they're like, boom. No, the problem is they were expecting jokes, and that's why it's not smug. It's confusion and disdain and anger. I asked you what might be funny about you, and you start going on and on about all your compiling Airbnbs in the city. Let's try a little harder to find out what might be funny about you. You ever sat on a whoopee cushion? Or an old lady's face? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:16:17 When you were in college at Ole Miss, how many sorority girls did you kill? That's a good question. That's a great question. I would love to hear the answer to that. Hotty-Totty, huh? That's so dangerously accurate. Yeah, no shit. Is it?
Starting point is 01:16:33 The murder thing, I don't even think there was a murder at Ole Miss, Was there? I don't know. You went to LSU. Did you go to Ole Miss or LSU? I went to the University of Alabama. Wow. Boo!
Starting point is 01:16:48 Well, again, don't say boo. That can't be your catchphrase. It's not a good idea. I have a legit question. Not a great catch phrase at all. You don't want to keep doing that. Just make sure they, let them initiate the boo. You don't do that first.
Starting point is 01:17:05 I have a legit question. So comedy sometimes comes from laughing at yourself, right? So is there something self-deprecating? When Tony asked you what's funny about you, you started telling your fucking Wikipedia page. Somebody gives a fuck. So, dig deep, think about something that you've done. You go, God, that was embarrassing.
Starting point is 01:17:21 But with a little perspective, would be funny, let me fucking finish, to strangers. You know what I'm saying? So what something that you did was embarrassing? Maybe you could go, oh, that's actually probably pretty funny to tell a stranger. Understood. I just, hold on.
Starting point is 01:17:34 I just realized right now that there's a pregnant woman in the front row. And I wanna say that, Frankie, you might be worse than Tylenol for an unborn baby. Like, there's almost no doubt that that baby's gonna be traumatized from this. If we listen closely enough,
Starting point is 01:17:50 I think you hear it, booh, bo-hoo-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. I thought she was just quefeing, but yeah. I'll show you a queve, Samuel. Oh, shit, let's do it. Put it up to there. Hit it. Put it up to it.
Starting point is 01:18:05 Right, man, you better be ready for there. Here we go. You're welcome. Very good, Red Band. That would be $16. All right. I'm going to try one more time. I can literally hear the internet right now going,
Starting point is 01:18:21 why is this guy still on the fucking stage? I can hear it. I'm going to try one more time with you. Give us something, some type of vulnerability. What about your life or something about you might be funny? be funny. You suck this. Oh!
Starting point is 01:18:38 Again, you have to be a little bit quicker. If you give them a chance, they're going to do that. They hate you. They hate you. And I know what it's like. Look at me. I'm unlikable too, but I fucking, I figured out ways. I fought it.
Starting point is 01:18:52 Tony, give that guy a joke book. Yeah. There you go. Pass it back. He's right behind you. There's a little joke book. You have to write you suck dick on the first book. page though because that is your big break you should do that that's what you should do
Starting point is 01:19:09 do more of that that would be great get him thank you get him back attack him the guy that said you suck dick what do you have to say to him come on don't think about it just go let it rip come on get him hurry up say something motherfucker who Jesus cried oh damn it dude this is unbelievable oh motherfucker I'm gonna buy your house because I'm a rich white guy who gets away with everything. Yeah. I'm never, I've never no pain in my entire life. I roll through life with perfect teeth and skin that a woman would kill for. This is it. I don't need this shit from you, pig. This is it. Get in there. Dude, fucking say it. A beat. I got, okay, listen. What I have to say. Say something.
Starting point is 01:20:04 Fuck you. You know, you know, Jesus. Forgive me for smoking the guy from New York's weed and the exes... Oh, now you're high? Wait a minute. I else...
Starting point is 01:20:32 Boo! Who would ever be high on this show? I also just want to point out you do have like female scratch struggle lines on your hands and I just spent a 25 day outdoor solo trip in Idaho Archery Elkhine. Oh my God, everything about you. But listen to me, because there is a fucking silver lining here, all right? And I know you're used to a silver spoon, which is different. But listen to me, if you're serious about this at all, at all, take a fucking silver lining here.
Starting point is 01:21:04 all, take the major note that Sam Talent just gave. If you're going to be the heel, motherfucker, lean into it. Be that guy. Go, I will buy your fucking, be that. Be you. Because it seems like that's who you are. You're not silly, silly joke guy. You're not Dex with one-liners.
Starting point is 01:21:21 You're not Medina relating to what it's like being that type of person. You're you. So if you're a guy with money that's all about business, well, that is what you are. Well, then what are you? That's just what I dressed like the Unibon. Okay, I'm getting you out. I got to get you out of here. I love you about it.
Starting point is 01:21:40 I can't stand it. I can't stand it. Good luck. Salute, indeed. Put the mic in the mic stand. Tony would love to have you on its Tony Hinchcliff and French show coming up. Red Ben, Red Band, Red Band, Red Band, Red Band, Red Band, Red Ben, Red Ben, Red Ben, Red Ben, Red Ben, Red Ben. All right.
Starting point is 01:22:02 That guy sucked. He was also the scariest one, dude. I was right fucking here for a Jedi date rapist. He didn't have any punchlines, but his creepy disposition was awful. We gave him every fucking chance. What do you want? All right.
Starting point is 01:22:21 I kissed the lane to save his fucking set. And I've never been more alive. Mike, get over here. D. Madness, you would hate this. What the fuck? Give me some of that. Oh, my gosh. Who can play your gay games, Samuel?
Starting point is 01:22:47 This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the bucket, we go. All right. This is a fun one, ladies and gentlemen. This guy just moved to Austin very recently a couple months ago. I do believe he's been signing up for a while. Well, he used to work at the comedy store. This should be fun.
Starting point is 01:23:06 Make some noise for a minute from Fang Chow, ladies and gentlemen. Stop it. That's not my language. I speak English, okay? Let's go. In the middle of the pandemic, people start to have. hate Asians in this country. A lot of bitch-ass Asians were scared.
Starting point is 01:23:40 My Chinese mother was one of them. She called me up. She goes, hey, Feng Chao, don't go outside. It's dangerous. I'm like, mom, don't be a little bitch. I'm not afraid of being Asian. As a matter of fact, I've never been so proud of being Chinese. Because Chinese people make number one virus kill everybody.
Starting point is 01:24:17 Should have been everyone laughing. If you didn't laugh, you might be the problem that this country is failing. I'm going to call China after the show. I'll get China on the phone. I'll be like, Oh, asshose. Upgrade our virus. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:24:42 Fang Chow, the pride of Beijing, China, and Los Angeles, California, and now, Austin, Texas. Welcome to the show, Fang Chow. Yes, sir. You've been my Chinese friend for a while. When did you start at the comedy store? This is the real fang town. Yeah, I've been Tony's friend for a while, yeah.
Starting point is 01:25:07 No, you're Chinese friends. I asked you a question. When did you start at the comedy store? 2015. 2015. Amazing. And it is true. In 2021, there was this big Asian hate thing.
Starting point is 01:25:19 You remember this? Yeah. I do. Yeah, and that's what I'm talking about. So interesting, because there really wasn't Asian hate, as you remember. But the media kept saying that for some reason. world-controlled media, kept repeating it so many times over and over again. And when they repeat something, over and over and over again, people react to it.
Starting point is 01:25:41 And eventually, it became a thing that Asian hate was a thing, you know. But you're here saying that it wasn't a real thing, right? Whatever. I'm just being Asian. I'm not afraid. Hate me. Yeah. Well, I think that it's fair to say that America's healing when you see a Chinese guy doing
Starting point is 01:25:59 Shane Gillis arm. So I like that. Okay, thank you. Yeah. What's Shane Gillis arm? When you stand like this behind your back, like every typically white guy does on stage now. Really?
Starting point is 01:26:10 Oh, yeah. That's Shane thing? Bargatsy does it. I thought this was a Shane thing. Yeah, that is too, the hand, and then this. What is he of everything? What are we supposed to do with this extra hand? I don't know.
Starting point is 01:26:19 Everything's a Shane thing now? He does this. Yeah. Oh, yep. You know. Comedy. Yeah. That's Shane Gillis too, right?
Starting point is 01:26:30 Elaine, you're so good at impressions. Fang Chow, how's Texas been treating you? Good. Tell us about it. Very good. I love the people here. I love the people, the food. Comedy is here.
Starting point is 01:26:44 It's the Mecca. That's why I'm here. You been to Bakkeye yet? I'm a real comedian, yes. Yes. Love it. Absolutely. I love it.
Starting point is 01:26:56 Chop cheese there is really good. Gummy bear is very good. Have you tried the Texas Cheese Steak Burrito by any chance? That's my go-to. Yes. Very good. Fucking believable. Yummy.
Starting point is 01:27:08 Mm-hmm. No doubt about it. What else is going on, Fang Chow? You got a girlfriend? What's going on in there? I do. Tell us about it. I do.
Starting point is 01:27:19 Beautiful lady. I got a beautiful lady. Smart, smarter than me. Okay. I'm not afraid of smarter ladies in my life. I'm an idiot, right? I barely speak the language. I need someone.
Starting point is 01:27:30 I want to guide to my life. Oh, lady. Okay. Very politically correct answers that I'm getting from you. Anything crazy about your life that you want to share with the people out here? Anything like that? Crazy? Oh, bard flu.
Starting point is 01:27:50 Yeah, okay. Yeah, watch out, yeah. Three people died in the front row. I'm not sorry. Your immune system is not my fucking problem. Anything crazy? I got stabbed during Asian hate. There you go.
Starting point is 01:28:10 Let's talk about that. That's kind of crazy. Let's talk about that. What exactly happened? You were at a sushi restaurant and knife fell down. What happened exactly? Tell us about this Asian hate. I got stabbed by a next-door neighbor.
Starting point is 01:28:22 Okay. For what? For being Chinese. Okay. Can you paint the picture a little bit for it? they're super victim. Okay, that's fair. So what exactly happened? You're welcome for the laughs.
Starting point is 01:28:42 They just came into your place and just go, you're trying to be. No, it's my next-door neighbor in the middle of the pandemic. We used to be cool, we used to be cool, and then he used to start hate Chinese people. She? He. Okay, so when you got stabbed,
Starting point is 01:28:56 yeah. Tell us about that. I came home from, like, a hike, and then I was walking to my door, and I was talking to a lady next door to ask her to come to the store, watch me to stand up, trying to fuck. Mm-hmm, the comedy store. You're flirting with a lady? Yeah, yeah. Take always hard.
Starting point is 01:29:16 Different color than yours, but always hard. Fuck, yeah. Yeah, plenty of jizz. Do you have to do the five-inch punch? Just excited. God. Yeah. I want to hear about this stabbing.
Starting point is 01:29:30 So you're talking to a woman, and then the guy... And then the guy's kitchen window is facing that lady's door. And then I turn around. I'd heard him say fucking Chinese. And then I'm like, all right, no big deal. I've known this guy for a while. And then I came back on this side of the building. He lives in the back.
Starting point is 01:29:48 And then I was walking to my door. And he came out with a chair and something shiny. It was like evening time. Like, I don't know for sure it's a knife. He threw the chair at me and didn't hit me because I'm fast, right? Right. I can get hit by a chair, fucking rock star. And then I was like, what the fuck is this about?
Starting point is 01:30:11 And he's like, you know what this is about. And he was already charging at me. White guy? Yeah, white guy. Really? Yeah, and then he's like, you know exactly what this is about. And he was already in my face. And then I got to take a couple of stabs on my chest.
Starting point is 01:30:28 Uh-huh. Did you know you're... I'm alive. It's not that scary, okay? Right. I got it. You survive it. I got it.
Starting point is 01:30:36 I'm here. Were you ever attacked for being Chinese before this? No. And you haven't been attacked since? I'm usually the attacker. I understand. People like to talk shit in this way. I understand.
Starting point is 01:30:48 Fucking beat their ass. So do you think that... Do you think that it's a coincidence that that happened then? Or do you think that perhaps the media saying that the media saying that the Asian hate could create more Asian. The media saying Asian hate is not good for Asian. It's not good for, for sure, yeah. Right, exactly.
Starting point is 01:31:08 Yeah, fuck the media. They can cause a lot of the violence in the country, for example. For sure. Right. So when they... Yeah, they want to fucking brainwash all the people in the country and then they just like, oh yeah, you listen to me. I'm like, no.
Starting point is 01:31:21 Right. Because before that it was mostly what, the Ninja Turtles? Yeah. That was based on a true story, you know? New York in the 80s was nuts. You were there. Oh, yeah. Where did you get stabbed?
Starting point is 01:31:35 On my chest. They're like right here. I got three stabs. Three stabs. And then I was like lucky enough. I was fighting him and I got him under control. And there were a couple of comics living in my building. I was just yelling.
Starting point is 01:31:48 Then they came out. But three is good luck in your culture, right? Yeah. Six is good. Oh, sorry. Times two, three times two. Right, right, right. I'll do the number joke.
Starting point is 01:32:00 What was your move to... It was the year of the rabbit, so he had a good luck charm, you know? Foot. Yeah. So is the guy in prison? He did... It was because of the pandemic.
Starting point is 01:32:15 Like, L.A. County Jail is not holding anybody for that time. Yeah, they didn't even prosecute the guy, right? No. Los Angeles, California, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. What a shit city. Yes, indeed. Well, it's a state, but we'll move on from this.
Starting point is 01:32:31 Is there something about your defense mechanism? Like you said, you fought back. And I don't want to say you're a bad fighter, because I've seen you fight online. You're very good. But what was your move? What was your first move? No, I was just trying to wrestle him out of my way.
Starting point is 01:32:44 Like, he was already, like, stabbing me. Like, I can't. No kung fu, no, like... Okay, that's not racist. I've seen him do kung fu on YouTube. Yeah, I was seeing the movies, right? Yep. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:32:57 Did you forget? I was just, like, trying to get him off me. It was stabbing me. I was just trying to, like, and I tricked him. Like, and then he was out on the ground. You tricked him? You tripped him. He was drunk, and then I kicked his leg.
Starting point is 01:33:10 Tripped him. Yeah. So you tricked him. You were like, hey, look at that, sight. Look at that Asian guy. Here, try this Coca-Cola. More than one Asian. Sike, it's Pepsi.
Starting point is 01:33:23 Yeah. Bang Chow, you're the fucking man. Very interesting stuff. I'm glad you moved to 10. Texas. Welcome, welcome. Great stuff. I'm out of big joke books right now. We'll get you one later. Thank you guys for listening. The great bang chow, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Very, very interesting. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. You know, she has a brand new podcast. Love on the line
Starting point is 01:33:53 with the other great beauty Valerie Vaughn they're interviewing people it's fun it's two hot chicks Joe DeRosa was just on David Lucas Rampage Jackson love on the line
Starting point is 01:34:07 if you like podcasts with fat tits that's the show to listen to or you could watch red band do VR also if you like that Ontario the weight is over the gold standard of online casinos has arrived gold and nugget
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Starting point is 01:35:28 Find out more at RBC.com slash Petro-dash-Canada. Conditions apply. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen. Patrick Cassaday. Mothership, what is up? Happy to be here. Guys, I want to talk about an important issue. It's going on in America.
Starting point is 01:35:48 It's pretty controversial right now. You know what I'm talking about, right? Lesbian sex. These girls are doing it all wrong. I saw one with a strap on on, the other girl was on her knees sucking it, and the girl that was standing there was like, oh my God, it feels so good. And I kind of laughed.
Starting point is 01:36:07 I started laughing, right? While you're coming, it's not the best time to laugh, guys. I wish I had a time machine. Speaking of time machine, segue, why do people say, if I had a time machine, I go back in time and I'd kill baby Hitler? That doesn't make any sense. I mean, why don't they just say I'd kidnap him and raise him right? I don't think these people are lazy. Speaking of Hitler, guys, he might be in heaven.
Starting point is 01:36:38 Yeah, yeah, seriously, because if you just ask Jesus to forgive your sins right before you die, Oh, that's my time, guys. Thanks. Oh, shit. Damn, Patrick Cassaday, ladies and Chano. Patrick, how long have you been doing stand-up? About a year, almost. About a year.
Starting point is 01:37:00 Talking to the microphone, Patrick. Came out here last year to do the show for about nine weeks, and that's what got me in a comedy after. This is your second time on the show? Yeah. Okay. What happened your first time on the show? What did we find out about you that's interesting?
Starting point is 01:37:12 I came out here after my father passed away. Okay. Oh, what else? I mean to do comedy and you're like, yeah, because he didn't want to see you do comedy? And I was, yeah, that was a good one. But that was what you gave me. Patrick, are you inebriated right now?
Starting point is 01:37:25 Did you drink before this? Did you have a drink? No. I mean, I had like a sip of a drink, but that's about it. You had a sip of a drink? My adrenaline's pumped right now. Your adrenaline's pumped right now. Have you been practicing?
Starting point is 01:37:36 Have you been knowing? Yeah. Okay. A lot. A lot? Why don't you do another joke? Why don't you do another joke? Why don't you take a breath and do another joke?
Starting point is 01:37:44 Do something else. Try something else. Redemption song. Anything else, Patrick. Here he is. Patrick Cassidy. Guys, anybody ever walking on their parents having sex when they were younger?
Starting point is 01:37:56 27 times. I came out here last year. It was only 14 times. I need to get my new place, I think. All right, there you go. Yeah, that's better. And that's how it's done. They want to like you, you know.
Starting point is 01:38:15 Yeah. Patrick, tell us more about you. What have you been doing since the last time on the show? Well, my plan was to go back and sell my dad's mobile home and move back out here to do comedy. I went back to Sacramento, and I had a big kill-tony party with all my friends that came, and about half an hour after the show aired, I got a call in the hospital. My mom died. Oh, my God. So I know my comedy kills. Was your mom watching, perhaps? No, she was past that stage, but she'd heard all those jokes before, so.
Starting point is 01:38:49 Well, that's good news. He went back to Sacramento to sell your dad's mobile home, because he had just passed away. You have a party, a viewing party, and literally right after the party, you find out your mom passed away. Literally went from the biggest high to the lowest low you could possibly. What did your mom pass away from, exactly? Uh, congenesis of heart failure.
Starting point is 01:39:11 Redband. He's a fan of that, I think, because that's how he's gonna go, folks. It feels like every time you do the show, something terrible happens in your life. Kind of like, I want to call everybody and make sure they're all right after this. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:39:29 Yeah, or just stop doing this. If I'm killing this good, I mean. You are somewhat affable. You've got special teams coach and Madden Energy. All right. Special. Compliment. Do you have any kids or anything?
Starting point is 01:39:44 No, no kids. That's good. Good. Good. Yeah, they're safe. No one left to die after this viewing party. I got no one above me. No one below me.
Starting point is 01:39:52 So it's like, eh, why are you in here? Amazing. Cool. Do you have a girlfriend or something, Patrick? No, I got an ex-wife. Okay. Of course. You're close with your ex-wife?
Starting point is 01:40:02 Yeah, we're best friends. Oh, nice. Okay, well, maybe she'll die when this episode is. Oh. What? What does she do for a living? She does insurance. What do you do for a living?
Starting point is 01:40:15 Actually, I'm looking for a job if anybody's hiring that. What are you good at? Grim reaping. See? Funeral homes are hiring. Killing everyone he's ever loved. I love you, Sam. I love you, Sam.
Starting point is 01:40:31 It was funny, Sam. Plug your Twitter. Actually, I saw Sam last night sitting right there. Yeah, yeah. You were lovely. You were laughing really hard. I'm load to make fun of you. Because what are you good at?
Starting point is 01:40:44 Let's try to get you a job. What can you do? What do you have experiences? I used to manage a bunch of insurance offices, and I owned my own brokerage. Was it life insurance? It was not. That would have been a good, right? It would have been convenient. Yeah, for sure.
Starting point is 01:40:57 I could have an example. But, no, I'm hoping to get a job in comedy. That's why I came out here. I'm in the same RV. I was in last year. I ever told it out here. Sold both mobile homes, because I had to sell my mom's mobile home after she died. Wow.
Starting point is 01:41:14 Amazing. Now, when she cost me, I was, I don't know, a bunch of money. The funeral cost you a bunch of money? Yeah, well, back-to-backs, you know, I wasn't expecting that. Exactly. Kind of went out all on dads and then, were they together still? No, they actually lived together, but they've been divorced for 50 years. Divorced for 50 years.
Starting point is 01:41:34 Meanwhile, they passed away right near each other. Isn't that amazing? Was it a gas leak? They had separate mobile homes. Unless he's the one release. were there any pets around you know how jean hackman and his wife died and the dog was there too and everybody thought the dog i thought the dog did it did you ever hear about that no i don't know pets around the i didn't even know jean hackman was dead yet your mom your life's just getting
Starting point is 01:41:59 worse and worse sorry jean hackman's dead forest scump fucks jenny with aids and airbud can play football elaine how do you know about all this google wow amazing i didn't know you knew how to google Oh, I've got Wi-Fi everywhere. Even in my pussy, Red Band. Wow. Glass shattering. Stone cold just came out of your pussy. It's a stone cold pussy.
Starting point is 01:42:25 God, I hope so. I hope so. Let's play some optimism games here, Patrick. What type of job in comedy are you looking for? Because being a former insurance broker doesn't really help any. It doesn't help at all. I'm really looking to just get any entry-level job anywhere at a comedy club. Just so I'm not, money's not just hemorrhaging out every month.
Starting point is 01:42:51 Right. How much money do you have left right now? I've got about 15 grand left in the bank. 15 grand left in the bank. RV plus spots, like $1,600 a month. Your RV spot is $1,600 a month. I got about three going out every month. Okay.
Starting point is 01:43:08 All right. Wow. Nothing. God, damn. Spend about 300 bucks a month here. Yeah, it takes here. Wow. I do like that you were in a mothership.
Starting point is 01:43:17 You're wearing, like, the band shirt to the concert. That's, uh... This is the first one I bought online, like, when the... Yeah, very tight. Very tight. What you should see you last year? Way tighter. About 40 pounds lighter than it was your last year.
Starting point is 01:43:31 Mazel to. Congrats, man. You say heavier? All right. This guy's excited for you. There's some guy in the crowd that is taking control of the show, ladies and gentlemen. Let's pay attention up here, guys. So, Patrick, any parting words before you leave?
Starting point is 01:43:46 I love this place, man. Just keep doing it, Tony. You keep doing it, buddy. Don't stop. Something's going to happen for you. I know it, I know. Patrick Cassidy. Keep trying, Patrick.
Starting point is 01:43:57 Take chances. You got to keep practicing so that you're less nervous next time. That's the trick. That's what you do it for. Maybe don't do any crystal meth. That would be helpful. Someone close to him is going to die. I just want you to know that.
Starting point is 01:44:11 I don't think there's anyone left, as that is. No, he said he's the only one. What's the fucking point? That was one of his fun asides he had. What did he say? He said, anyone, the only one left, what's the fucking point? Oh, shit, man.
Starting point is 01:44:25 We're going to find out. There might be an RV for sale in the next couple months. This looks like a fun name. Looks like a new name. Make some noise for Big Chuck, everybody. Here comes Big Chuck. Hell yeah, dude. What's going on?
Starting point is 01:44:45 I got a lot of inventions I've been working on lately. My latest invention is a new breakfast cereal. The working title is, oops, all shrooms. I like to eat shrooms for breakfast, dude. It's pretty fun. Yeah, it's working out. I'm down a couple pounds, and I'm up a couple IQ points. So it's working, dude.
Starting point is 01:45:09 hell yeah I eat shrooms for breakfast it makes your day a little weird you know the other day I had shrooms for breakfast forgot ended up donating blood
Starting point is 01:45:21 I was like oh no dude my blood's supposed to be going to help sick people but some cancer kid is going for a ride dude he's gonna meet God a little
Starting point is 01:45:38 sooner than he hopes Thank you. All right. 55 seconds of eating shrooms in the morning material, ladies and gentlemen. Chuck, welcome to the show. You're not as big as I was hoping you would be with the name Big Chuck.
Starting point is 01:45:56 On this show, you're more of a medium. Thanks, buddy. Medium Chuck. Welcome. How old are you? I'm 39. 39. You don't look a day under 55. It's incredible.
Starting point is 01:46:06 Welcome, welcome. Welcome. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. How long you've been to in stand-up? About two years, a little under two years. Where at? Reno, Nevada.
Starting point is 01:46:16 Wow, you were expecting a big response there. It's like he gets electrocuted when he answers a question. Like he's going to levitate. Reno, Nevada! What do you lack in punchlines you make up for in volumes? And that's fun. Thank you. There you go.
Starting point is 01:46:31 The biggest little comedian we've had on this show all day. So, what do you do for work, Big Chuck? I do video and audio production but I'm about to get laid off so I'm open to doing a Mexican drum off for Red Band's job No, great Red Band's job
Starting point is 01:46:51 There you go All right, Big Chuck You married, you have kids Yeah, I'm married, I have his son He's eight years old and I have a dog too What's his name? The dog or the son Either one
Starting point is 01:47:05 Uh, my, okay, goose. Okay, what's, what's, what's the dog's name? You, you scream everything and there's such an angiclimactic, silence after, I imagine us going out later, and you're like, we're going to another bar! Fuck! I love you. Keep going, what's the sun's name?
Starting point is 01:47:26 I love the great beard. It looks like you went down on a lane before the show. Yeah, dude. Play your car's right. It must be why your breath smells like, Red Bull right now. Too soon. All right.
Starting point is 01:47:41 Okay. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. Congratulations. Great job. Big chalk, everybody. Big Chuck. That's a very, very interesting backside of the show. The B side of this show is very interesting. Well, this name looks promising. Make some noise for Matthew Coffin, everybody.
Starting point is 01:48:00 Coffin. I've got a major issue with people not getting fucking words right anymore these days. I was watching Van Jones do this interview with these four black folks that voted for Trump. And one of the gentlemen said,
Starting point is 01:48:25 I like him because he's an asshole. He says what he means and he means what he says. And I'm like, that's not what a fucking asshole is. We had a beautiful movie that came out years ago called Team America World Police. made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. That told us the difference between a dick and a pussy and an asshole. Pussy wants to bitch and complain about everything and make everybody miserable.
Starting point is 01:48:43 An asshole wants to shit all over everything and ruin everybody's fucking lives and day. But then you have the dicks who are willing to stand up and do the right fucking thing no matter what, no matter people like it or not. And Pussies and assholes hate dicks because dicks fuck Pussies and assholes. And Donald John Trump is the dick we hired to fuck the Pussies and assholes. And I love, love, love what he's doing with the Oval Office. He's turning that shit into a modern-day fucking Piper's pit, and I love it. I'm just waiting for the day one of these world leaders mouss off to him and he says,
Starting point is 01:49:14 that's interesting. Can you look over there for me? And while they're bent over looking the other way, he turns over and picks up a fire extinguisher and shows up the guy's ass, he says. All right there, Matthew Coffin, a very interesting rally speech you just gave. Let's talk about it. How long you've been doing stand-up? July.
Starting point is 01:49:35 July. Okay, good answer. Where you from? I was kind of good to... Delaware, sir. Delaware, do you know your state representative? Sadly. You do?
Starting point is 01:49:50 You probably don't like... We always say, yo, he's from Pennsylvania. He's not from fucking Delaware. Who's that? What are you talking? Biden. Yeah, we're talking about, you know, a lady named Medina? Medina.
Starting point is 01:50:02 She's probably on a list you have. All right, look at that. You see that red band? Look at that little doggy up there. Yeah. That's adorable. That's what makes you likable. That's how you get the victims closer to you.
Starting point is 01:50:18 Amazing. What do you do for work? I just, I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid, and I just picked up doorman work over here. Doorman. At Shakespeare's. Okay, how long you've been doing that? Just a few weeks now.
Starting point is 01:50:31 Nice. What's the dog's name? Look at that little cute. This is Lucius Fox. Oh my goodness, gracious. Isn't that adorable? I don't know what I do. How long have you had her for?
Starting point is 01:50:42 He. Oh. Oh. Ew. Hey, welcome. What the fuck? Welcome back to don't do that again. My God.
Starting point is 01:50:56 How dare you misgender my dog? I'm gonna touch his penis. Yeah. And then expose it to the whole crowd. Cameras. It's always a smart move to bring a cute distraction on stage. Yeah. That's good.
Starting point is 01:51:08 And then never address it. Yeah. That's fun. He just goes wherever I go. His bed's my bed. It's been quite a journey. He works with you at Shakespeare's? Yep.
Starting point is 01:51:16 He works the front door when he entered. I love it. They're wonderful people over there. Yes, they are. We love Shakespeare's. Okay, so tell us about your life, Matthew. Tell us some crazy shit about yourself. Well, that's what I was wondering where you wanted to start.
Starting point is 01:51:28 And I was like, well, I guess the beginning is the best bet. I cracked my head open and ripped my lip off my face before I had heart surgery at two years old. Wow. Okay. I was ready to prove it. Sorry, sir. That's crazy.
Starting point is 01:51:44 Ma'am. Elaine, go ahead. It's fine. Don't miss gender Elaine. Yeah, you want to touch your pussy. What was the heart surgery for? What was the condition? It was a birth defect.
Starting point is 01:51:58 It was funny because my dad was on the, My biological dad was on the phone with my mom while she was pregnant with me. And he said, oh, nobody in my family has any heart problems, and he hung up the phone. But basically, it was a blockage between the first and second chamber that made it so enough blood couldn't transfer through to the next chamber. And it was making my heart swell to where it could have exploded. But there was also a hole in my heart, the size of a quarter, in the fourth chamber, and it allowed enough blood to drain out of it so it didn't explode. Wait, did a doctor say that if you don't get this done with, your son is going to explode? It's pretty bad.
Starting point is 01:52:28 There was actually another girl, a little Indian mother and her child were in there and had the same condition as me, and she didn't make it. My mom had to console the lady. Wow. But it was actually... Kind of spike in the football, huh? And I don't actually have this memory, but my mom told me very explicitly, like it's been a pretty emotional couple months. But she had to explain to me, and she was like, yeah, you've always liked wrestling. She was like, you had this fucking IV thing in your neck in the lobby, and I said, look, honey, Hawk Hogan's on TV.
Starting point is 01:52:58 She said, I turned my head so fast, the IV popped out of my neck, and blood's just squirting out on the floor, and people are cleaning it up, and I'm just like, Hawk Hogan. So. You know, a lot of people have a different idea of a fun story than I do.
Starting point is 01:53:10 Everyone who comes up here is like, oh, here's a fun anecdote I tell at dinner parties. There was blood everywhere. Tell us about your adult life. Anything crazy happened then? Well, if you want to move a little further, you want to skip to my virginity, when the girl ran away from Colorado,
Starting point is 01:53:24 want a greyhound to come see me in Delaware, and her dad got there before she did. Yes. Okay, what did dad do? His dad? Oh, he got, he was like, he saw me working at the shave I stand, getting ready to make some milkshakes and shit,
Starting point is 01:53:38 and he was like, oh, I see you're a nice-looking young gentleman. I can see why she came out here for you. Like, it was actually pretty cool. They were a Buddhist. They were actually very, like, peace-praying, humble, bumble, like Buddha Buddhist. So, Jen, that's fucking the girl? Yeah, that night.
Starting point is 01:53:50 All right. Wow. Dad? And, and, and I earned my red mustache and red wings on the first time. Okay, see what I. Jesus Christ, what the fuck? This is what I'm talking about. My goodness, at least.
Starting point is 01:54:04 I have a question, why is your tongue bright blue? Can you stick your tongue out and expose why the fuck your tongue is bright blue? Has no one seen that? Well, Joe Rogan and you guys had to make a mecca for maniacs and then Alex Jones got us all hooked on methylene blue and now here we all are. I'm sure that's not fruit striped gum? That's... Wait, maybe this is a varucca salt thing. You're turning violet, violet.
Starting point is 01:54:31 That's my favorite scene in that movie. Yeah. Well, didn't she also almost explode? Whoa. You don't happen to love blueberries, do you? It's okay. We'll edit this out. I thought Tony said, I didn't hear you.
Starting point is 01:54:47 I'm sorry. It's fine. No, I didn't get a chance to. Snap. Okay. So let's talk about now. What are your goals? now. Well, you're working in Shakespeare's. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's a hard hat. For those of you that
Starting point is 01:55:04 don't know. I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid. There's a shell inside of his baseball hat that is hard because of the trauma to your head. Yeah, I was actually wearing this. I worked at the last job I had in Delaware, like job 45 or whatever, was a union job and I was up on a mezzanine, so a floor between the floor, and I was up to kneel to steer girders. The, um, the, the conveyor belt jammed, I got up on the conveyor belt, unjammed it, released it. Now I'm on a moving conveyor belt. It ran the back of my head into a steel girder. I knocked me
Starting point is 01:55:35 cross-eyed. I started throwing up and stuff. Like, it was pretty wild. And the methylene blue, actually, not the, like, hey, but it actually kind of helped with the post-concussed. Absolutely. Sam Talon. Do you have any stories that don't involve a traumatic wound? Yeah. Like, you ever had a nice sandwich? I used to...
Starting point is 01:55:50 There ever been a knots-berry phone? I've had my time, my little bit of time of hanging out and getting I know some people. I was trained by Van Hammer and Dan McDavitt, Corporal Punishment, and I trained as a professional wrestler starting at the age of 14. Okay. And how bad did you get hurt? Huh? Did you fucking cut a toe off and there was blood everywhere?
Starting point is 01:56:10 There's some scars from that and stuff and some head trauma and stuff, but mostly probably emotional damage. But it was my fault. I burned bridges and screwed things up. But I was a kid. I was young and jump in with Elaine here. I have a great question. I just won't be wasting anyone's time. You talk fast and you're somewhat articulate for being such a fucking spazoid. I'm sorry. No, you're very likeable.
Starting point is 01:56:28 No, you're likable. And I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through. We get to just fuck around and make pooh-pooh jokes. And you're, you've been through some shit doing real jobs. So thank you for your service. But also, you said 48 jobs. Could you name all 48? Nope, he can't.
Starting point is 01:56:41 Here's a little joke book. There you go, buddy. There he goes. Matthew Cuffin, everybody. Not tonight, but could he? If somebody asked himself. He can't. He can't.
Starting point is 01:56:49 I know for everybody. No. Like, it. How about one more time for Lucius Fox, ladies and gentlemen. Luchin. Adorable, adorable dog.
Starting point is 01:56:56 All right. One more bucket pool. We know this guy. He's hilarious. He works. Here. Make some noise for Locke Hoger, everybody. La Coker.
Starting point is 01:57:04 Yo, yo, yo. All right. So I meditate a lot, you guys. So here are some thoughts I've had while meditating. Do real plants look at fake plants and think, why is this nigger not breathing? not breathing. Yeah, here's another thought.
Starting point is 01:57:34 It seems like a waste of earth to bury midget six feet deep. Like six feet? Burry that little nigg in a mailbox or something. Yeah, I've also noticed that job interviewers will ask you what's your biggest weakness? than be surprised when you say big titties. It's like, come on, you ask.
Starting point is 01:58:03 Humungo mommy milkers are my biggest weakness. All right, there's a lot of white people in here. Exactly one minute from the Great Lock Hoger. Thank you. Always amazing, always impressive. So glad we got you. out of the bucket.
Starting point is 01:58:23 It's been... Impreshing. Yes, very amazing. Appreciate it. How's it going, law? Cool, man. Just, you know, try not to go crazy, you know what's saying? Why?
Starting point is 01:58:33 What's going on? What's happening in your world? Bitches just fucking with me, man. Let's talk about... These hoes! Let's talk about the hose. Yeah, bro. What are they doing?
Starting point is 01:58:43 Uh... They behave in badly? Yeah. A bunch of misbehaving hoes? Misbehaving bitches, bro. Misbehaven bitches. I don't get it, man. Tell us about it.
Starting point is 01:58:53 I just keep running into, like, non-monogamous, like, polyamorous bitches. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yes. You mean, bitch. Right, yes. Absolutely.
Starting point is 01:59:06 How do you keep running into them? I'm a whore, man. I love it. I love it. I'd be trying to fuck. What? That's right. Shut your bitch ass.
Starting point is 01:59:18 Oh, my God. He said real, recognized real? Just an old white text. Hey, my friend. Hey, time for me to connect with one of the homies. Real, recognize, real. This fucking guy. It's crazy.
Starting point is 01:59:35 I didn't see him until you moved. Crazy. That's Freddie Magoo's dad. Tell us about it. What's up with these polyamorous fucking pot pies out there? Tell us about it. Pot pies is crazy. Yep.
Starting point is 01:59:50 Warm on the inside, crusty on the outside. Whoa! I don't know, I'm just riffing. It's no big feel, people. Describing my love life. I thought Popeye. Pop-Pas, yeah, it's just a lot of it, man. Just going on dates.
Starting point is 02:00:10 You know, I fall in love after the first fuck. Yeah. And, um... Go on. Just me? All right, whatever. No, man. Real respect's real. Yeah.
Starting point is 02:00:20 Exactly. Exactly. Oh, he's putting up the one fist now, everybody. The white guy. Oh, two fists. Oh, the double jerk off. Love him a pie pie. Elaine, go ahead.
Starting point is 02:00:34 What is the oldest ho that you've been with? There you go. Right now, 46. Oh. You're looking to break that record? 77. You want to let me put my Ouija board on your chocolate slip and slide? Hey, man, I'll try anything once.
Starting point is 02:00:52 Are you into women with big hands and an unbelievable amount of arm hair? Look at this. I was told specifically you wouldn't do that tonight. Adam eager to share me you would not pull my left sleeve up that far. I mean, it is a lot of arm hair. Well, I eat my vitamin.
Starting point is 02:01:15 Elaine, do you tie a lot of knots? Your forearms are huge. Yeah, what kind of workouts are you doing? Your shoulders are massive. Tread it. Pickleball. Mind your own fucking business. Power knitting. Law, where can people find you?
Starting point is 02:01:30 You are truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Give yourself a little plug. What's your Instagram or website or podcast or anything? Go ahead. Yeah, Instagram is Deadpan Law on Instagram. YouTube, Law, Coger. Deadpan Law, you know what I mean? Yep.
Starting point is 02:01:49 Well, which one is it? Deadpan Law. Dead Pan Law. Yeah, D-E-A-D-P-A-N-L-A-W. They got that part, yep. I'll have you back on The Secret Show Thursday, Law. Boom. Back on the Secret Show.
Starting point is 02:02:00 You already have a big joke book. You want another one? Boom. There's Law. Law, everybody. Boom. Appreciate it. What an episode, indeed.
Starting point is 02:02:08 There was so many different levels. So many highs and lows and personalities and traumatizing stories. and some people with no trauma at all. It's been a very compelling episode. And for me, there's only one way to end an episode like this. And that is with who some people call the Cubano killer, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the plastic puppet,
Starting point is 02:02:40 the Duke of Dietary, Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. I met a guy at the airport who told me he used to do comedy and I said, oh, were you pretty good? And he said, yeah, I almost went viral. Wait, how do you almost go viral? That's like you. me saying I almost got AIDS. Pro tip, when you get off a plane and walk out of the gate and the people are staring at you waiting to get on, say loudly into your phone. I've never seen so many spiders on a plane in my life. A Princeton grad student has been released from Iraq after 900 days in captivity. Damn, how long was that thesis?
Starting point is 02:03:46 Growing up, I was told I should be a doctor because my handwriting was so bad and signing settlement checks to harass nurses. I was like a motherfucking nasty Dugger-Y-Hauser! Duker-Haus, okay. That's my time. Exactly one minute from the man with the most appearances on the show,
Starting point is 02:04:09 the most interviews on the show. The living, reigning, defending Hall of Famer who just keeps adding on. to his resume, William lights out, Thunderfuck Montgomery. Absolutely incredible. How are you? So nice to be here, Tony. I'm fantastic. I'm having the best time, and I'm so excited
Starting point is 02:04:27 to see you. It always brings me an incredible amount of joy. You're so sweet. Stop. Absolutely. Stop. William, tell us about your life. How's it going? Oh, my gosh. I was in Tacoma this past weekend. It was a whole bunch of fun. Tony, it made me realize. I have a joke that I've been telling now for a while. unless atheists start having pot like dinners,
Starting point is 02:04:47 I think I'll stick with Christianity. And it got a weird kind of response in the crowd. And I was like, what do we have a bunch of fucking atheists in the crowd? And this one girl especially was very loud, and I got into this very long discussion with her. Luckily, people were laughing the whole time, but I was just telling her, I mean, you don't really know. I don't really know.
Starting point is 02:05:06 It's a leap of faith you have to take. I mean, why are you going for this horrible dark part? Why would you want to maybe go to hell? That seems so incredibly foolish. of you, and I just kept on. So it made me think I maybe need to get into preaching, Tony. I think I've maybe... Hey.
Starting point is 02:05:20 I think the Lord has been tugging at my heart, and I think I might have to do that. No doubt about it. It happens, you know, it's good for people to find something to believe in. And I just want to try to save Red Band at some point, because that guy's soul is so incredibly lost with his weird little glasses. What do you like to record on that, red band?
Starting point is 02:05:39 I see you got the little glasses, the record shit. Like a bunch of bathrooms, probably a bathroom. bathrooms at the mall. Put the clothes. Yeah, fucking put your face in the fucking part of the stall. You can see the girls changing. That's what you told me the other day, dumb ass. Why are you acting like an idiot?
Starting point is 02:05:56 Yeah, he's looking at fucking naked chicks in the mall changing. He's nasty. Yeah, dude. You're going to get sued. You're going to get in trouble. Is this true? You've been going to the mall, red band? He's getting sued. Yeah, he's been going to the fucking all down the street. Straying away from the orange Julius at the mall?
Starting point is 02:06:12 Come to mention it. I do remember changing. in the northern wreck and hearing a guy outside going, Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sam Talent. Hey. Yeah. Hey, you look good.
Starting point is 02:06:23 Well, you do too, Sam. I've been seeing pictures. You look wonderful. Thanks, man. Right back at you. Look at these fucking arms. You look solid. I went over 1,200 fucking miles since January.
Starting point is 02:06:34 You guys. Today, which that feels good. It's been wonderful. I'm looking at you two next to each other. You two both at some points looked just like. Just like a lot of the stories that we heard here tonight. Multiple heart attacks, possibly right around the corner. Hopefully my wife does it to me, though.
Starting point is 02:06:51 Yeah. That would be preferable. And there you are. You've lost, between the two of you, more weight than I am. And it's incredible. Yeah, I lost 60 pounds. Yeah. Damn.
Starting point is 02:07:03 That's wonderful. Thank you, man. That's great. William, tell us more about your life, man. This is incredible that people want to know. It's a wet hand. Yeah, I have a really wet, cold hand. For anybody who ever wondered about my hands,
Starting point is 02:07:18 they're really cold and wet all the time. You can feel it? I can actually see a glistening on that. It is soaking wet. That is, like, shaking hands. This horrible blister from the row machine. It's this nasty looking. There's one of these on Reddine's penis.
Starting point is 02:07:32 Literally. Wow. I swear to God, look at that thing. Yeah, it looks like a weird. Do you see that? Yeah, I got something similar in between my thighs. I'll send you a link. William, you look like the ringmaster for a flea circus.
Starting point is 02:07:49 Anybody ever tell you that? I love that. Have you been to the circus though? Because you seem like you go outside a lot, you go to fun stuff. But like what are you doing when you're on the road and like you have some time to kill for yourself? I will walk around. I'll smoke some weed and listen to some music and walk around. I do that a lot. And there are people like, whoa, it's Pennywise.
Starting point is 02:08:07 Yeah. Well, I have this, some sweet Australian person, Simmy a hat with a whole face guard and everything so I'm all face guarded up and that helps with the sun it also helps with nobody does that no one else alive does that yeah it's a good signature look
Starting point is 02:08:24 but yeah Tony everything's everything's fine you do seem a little extra moist tonight your hands are wet I can see your armpits have a giant wet splosses here perhaps that is not the right shirt to wear when you're suffering from
Starting point is 02:08:41 an unbelievable it's been horrible I get to My whole shirt, after one show, my whole shirt is soaked through with sweat because I think I sweat so much every day with the row machine that now I just sweat. The floodgates are open. So I think it's good. I think it adds sort of drama to what's going on up there. No doubt of sweat coming off. What are some other things that make you sweat in life, William? Oh my gosh, watching a good movie with a loved one!
Starting point is 02:09:06 Wow, what else, William? What makes you sweat in life? He's so close to me. What makes William Montgomery sweat? The world wants to know. I'm getting in my ear. Yep, they want to know. What makes the great Billy Boy McGumballs sweat?
Starting point is 02:09:25 What makes me sweat? Probably meet it, like maybe, probably meeting somebody for the first time. Wow. Yeah, that'll make me sweat every time. I think everyone thought it was going to be something big, including the horse section. It's just a normal human response.
Starting point is 02:09:46 Yeah, you've been like talking to somewhere, whatever, and you made it. And it's like, gosh, that would make me swim. Dude, I met Triple H and Stephanie McMahon this weekend. And I said to, because of Tony, was nice enough to send them to the shows. And I met Triple H. And I was like, man, my entire life, I've been a fan. It's lovely to meet you. And then to Stephanie McMahon, I said, my entire life.
Starting point is 02:10:09 So I blew it too, you know? It's scary meeting people. What the fuck does my entire life mean? Yeah, what were you thinking? I don't know, but I've been thinking about it since. Yeah, nonstop. Yeah. My entire life.
Starting point is 02:10:24 It's almost unbelievable. You did mess up. It's unfathomably stupid, yes. I bet Lark Vohy's at a Hudson News once. Oh, the Lark? Huge, bitch. That's it. Not every story is going to crush tonight.
Starting point is 02:10:37 William? Yeah. It is so good to see it. Does the sweating thing bother the fans, or do they take it as, like, a sign of, like, you're working hard for them? I don't know. Good question. I have no idea.
Starting point is 02:10:48 That is a good question. What else makes you sweat, William? Maybe eating Cheetos in my bed at night, yep. Ooh. I ate a bunch on Saturday, yeah. Wow. Because I'm trying to stay kind of slim for the Roamish. You just want to sit on my lap, bro.
Starting point is 02:11:03 I mean, what come up? I feel comfortable around. I love you, yeah, you're good. Well, I feel comfortable around you, man. Why don't you, why don't you do that? Why don't you sit on Sam's lap for a second? Elaine had a big announcement that she wanted to make. Elaine, you want to do it?
Starting point is 02:11:18 I have a big announcement. First of all, how great was tonight's program? Was it not one of the best people. We're not ending it yet. I don't want to do that because people watching might turn it off right now before you make that big announcement. I just wanted to give a shout up. My big announcement is.
Starting point is 02:11:29 I'll end the show when it's over. I just want to say, I just want to. It seems very hosty. Has anyone ever told you that? Seems like you do a lot of hosting of your own shows. Like, I mean, I see this like Dr. Phil show very popular on YouTube, on Netflix. It almost seems like you're kind of like that guy.
Starting point is 02:11:48 Elaine, why don't you make your big announcement? My big announcement is I found my car keys. I'm cancer-free, and William is having my baby. And I'd actually, William, William got me pregnant about six weeks ago. It was six weeks ago. Six weeks ago. And I have a little... Up in New York, up at the big waterfall.
Starting point is 02:12:09 Up at the big waterfall. Are you guys talking about Niagara Falls? Yeah. Amazing. Took her fucking ass up there. It was very nice. I was talking about sweating before something before I met your fucking ass.
Starting point is 02:12:21 We did your favorite position. Yep. Where I get up behind you in the bathtub. Yep. Oh yeah. Which I suggested just regular up against the fridge, but all of a sudden we're buck naked in the tub. So tomato tomato Ray Romano.
Starting point is 02:12:35 So it's happening. So you're literally, you haven't told me about it. I have a song that I wanted to sing to you that is something that's near and near to my heart. Why don't you, why don't you stand up and do it over there? It's the song that I saw when I first met you, and if you know the words, sing along, hit me, bed. Slide down, Mike. William, give her, there you go, give her your mic, William. I'm gonna take this one, I'm gonna take this one.
Starting point is 02:13:00 I got you, buddy. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend. Hall of Famer, Elaine, everybody. I've traveled the world. I've seen everything. Come on. But tonight will be the greatest night of my life.
Starting point is 02:13:25 It has to be. Well, we've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks and that fat guy almost had a heart attack tonight. But that's what you get When you sign up for kill Tony You try your best You hope that on your side is locked And if you strike them, go back home
Starting point is 02:13:55 And call me for a tini buck Come me for a tini bug Everybody! Calling for a tini buck Call me for a titty box. Just your Rogan. Call me for a titty box. Just a white man.
Starting point is 02:14:15 You can call me for a titty box. You have my number. Call me, bitch. I'm in the backtop. Call me for a titty box. Me. And I'm so happy you're pregnant. I'm so happy you're pregnant.
Starting point is 02:14:37 I'm going to get birth to a little. little clown. Wow. Elaine, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery? This show brought you by ExpressVPN, Shopify, and Brideswick. Sam Talent is going to Royal Oak, Michigan, Vermont, and Denver Comedy Works over Thanksgiving weekend. Sam?
Starting point is 02:14:59 Yeah. Thank you. Samtalent.com. It's an honor. My entire line. Comedy. com. He's the co-host, wanted host.
Starting point is 02:15:07 Wanted host of co-host Wanted. It's all over YouTube. He's going to Fort Worth, Texas, Maine. Get tickets at Mike Feeney Comedy.com. Elaine, what can I say? Plug yourself. Tell him all about what you're working on. Guys, my grandson, Adam Ray, is doing the final
Starting point is 02:15:24 Dr. Phil Live in Los Angeles on December 16th. And then he just launched a huge theater tour for next January through April, Vegas, New York, Boston, Denver, Portland, Seattle, Adam Ray County.com. I love you guys! Support her grandson, Adam Raycom.com. Literally, one of the biggest stars to ever come out of this show. Dr. Bill, Elaine, Jeremy, Tony Hinchcliff, Adam Ray, full of surprises.
Starting point is 02:15:55 Your grandson is amazing. We love him. Literally, like, the greatest thing to ever happen to the show. You're unbelievable. One more time for Elaine, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belved is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Timmy, no breaks. Look out. Red Band.
Starting point is 02:16:16 Check out the sunset strip ATX.com. Love you guys. A few tickets are still available for the arena New Year's Eve here. So for those of you complaining that you can never get tickets to kill Tony, this is your only chance. I'm also doing stand-up in an arena in Salt Lake City. What can go wrong in Utah?
Starting point is 02:16:33 Utah in an arena. November 1st. Yikes. So much fun. We love you guys. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
Starting point is 02:16:46 Good night, everybody. Call me for a titty bar. Call me for a titty bomb. Call me for a titty fun. Call me for a titty fun. Draw me for a city boat Yeah The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over.
Starting point is 02:17:47 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. You know, Thank you.

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