KILL TONY - #740 - FLUFFY + SAL VULCANO

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

Elaine (Adam Ray), Sam Tallent, Mike Feeney, Ari Matti, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 09/29/2025 Secure your online data TODAY by visiting https://expressvpn.com/killtony. Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killed. Tony. Hey, this is Redmond. Come to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new

episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? Yeah! And oh my god, how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul, Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, nachos, Belgrade. Grande. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. We have a real fly here again. Fuck yeah. Back door must be

open. I love it. We need the zapper. We need our tennis racket zapper. We got the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the Keys. And this is Dee Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. This episode is brought to you by Nick Talk Space and Quo. Before we started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We bet you didn't know. Our new quieter trains are great for listening to that self-help podcast you lied about actually listening to. Get on board. Via rail, love the way. All right, ladies, ladies and gentle thems. It's Trixing Katja here from The Ball and the Beautiful. And today we're talking about Audible. If you know anything about Katinaai, you know that we are

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on. This week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best guests in the show's history. Two of the best comedians on all of planet Earth. Make some fucking noise for Fluffy and Sal Volcano, everybody. Oh yeah. They are on their feet.

Sal Volcano. The great fluffy, ladies and gentlemen. Fluffy and Sal. Oh my God, the place is in a raucous. Hell, yeah. Fuck, yes. The crowd is electric. Surprise.

I don't know if you guys are excited that it's us or that you didn't pay for us. Yeah. It's always a big surprise. Thank you. Table of very happy, thick Latino men over there that are just out of control right now. Relax, gentlemen, relax over there.

This is going to be like the fucking Super Bowl halftime show. A bunch of thick Mexicans in the fucking floral shirts going ballistic over here. Fluffy is back, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour at FluffyGyGy.com. And the long-awaited return to the great Sal Volcano. He's on tour of Chicago, New York, Nashville, the Chicago Theater, Beacon Theater, Rhyman Theater, Volcanocom.com. You guys have both been on this show before. You know how it works,

but look at how stacked this bucket is. I mean, hundreds and hundreds of names, literally overflowing to the top. You guys know how it works. I pick a name. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up in here, the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. They get feedback from my esteem panel. We're going to have a a lot of fun, the entire thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm going to let this guy that looks like

every murder documentary that kills his wife picked the first name. Wow, right off the middle top, a real simple fuck you are, huh? Didn't even dig in there at all. Unbelievable, you suspicious motherfucker. I feel like I caught you off guard,

predicting that you're going to eventually kill your wife here. And you're just like, okay, that's just like, Okay, let's just keep this moving. While we go wrangle that comedian, that first very lucky bucket pole, I have one of the most interesting golden ticket winners in the show's history here to start tonight. We have not had them on this show

for six months straight because there was a big competition in Nashville, Tennessee, and the person who had the least response had to take six months away from the show. He has been working so, hard at so many open mics continuously for this moment right now that we'll start tonight's episode this is the long-awaited return a brand new minute from Drew Nickens.

But if one more person asked me, if I'm going to be on love on the spectrum next year, I'm going to have a fucking meltdown. Because I know I have my issues. I'm not the first black comic you can't understand on stage. And I have trouble regulating my emotions. You all saw Nashville. But I'm not trying to go on a date

that consists of figuring out every number in pie and a dinner of dino nuggies and... conquestibles. But the train museum would be fucking sick. Am I right? I can't smoke weed because I don't want to kill people. But if I did

smoke weed, my thoughts would make a lot more sense. Like, I think dominoes are just flat dice. I think of a... I think of a trans man has a better beer. than me, it's cheating because they're using performance-enhancing drugs. I think Shaggy rescued Scooby-Doo from an Asian household. Because how else would Scooby-Doo say Lulu Lemon?

Run, row! And I think lesbians can't wear braces. Because if they did, they'd be called boxcutters. Really chatting that pussy up. Thank y'all. That's my time. Look at that. True Nickens, squeezing in a full minute 30. We'll let him go.

Great stuff, Drew. Thank you for having me, Tony. I'm glad to be here. Heck yeah, you look fantastic, dude. Yes, sir. Wow. I mean, wow. Sometimes I forget, you are black. Hell yeah, brother. Whoa, look out.

I wasn't gonna say that word, John, don't worry. I love it. Love it. I forget you're black and then you come with a shirt from the Steve Harvey collection over here. I mean, look at that fucking thing. That is incredible. Where do you get a shirt

like that, Drew? The polo, Ralph Lauren Polo Outlet. Wow, the outlet. Yeah, $75. Hell yeah. And you get your haircut from the electrical outlet. Yeah. Amazing, Drew.

So tell us about these six months off. What's it been like for you? You've been working hard? So the first month was a little crazy, a little tough, but I was like, you know what? I'm never going to give up on my dream,

and so I went and I did 90 minutes a week of stand-up, no matter where it was. Three people, 300 people, whatever I could do. I was there to do it, and I opened for Adam Ray in July, and I did really well in front of a thousand people in my old casino.

your old casino He owned a casino Yeah you had your own casino No no no I used to I used to lose a lot of money at this casino In top of it A shit time Me too bro

Hell yeah Hell yeah I love it Drew Well fantastic stuff You don't you've never smoked weed before I don't smoke weed in three years Okay what was it like when you were smoking weed I was very paranoid and very sad

It didn't work that way And I was like, you know what? Junior say I'll smoke weed And you know what he did So let's not do that Okay, that's an interesting way of looking at it A hell of a segue Yeah

Just say you don't like the Chargers, bro Yeah I am a commander's fan, dog All right Well, Drew, amazing stuff What'd you think about Drew, Sal? It was good to see you again Last time I was here, you were here

So it's nice to see you again It's crazy you found The only shirt louder than yourself but yeah you look you look surprised to be here even though you know damn well that you're here which I like that's what I like about you there's always a very surprise

you look surprised right now that I'm speaking you did it Drew you came back very funny set great stuff way to get the show started thank you so much can I just say that that joke about the flat dice I'm like, how many people were like, oh my God, I've never, I cannot unsee that.

I was like, wow, okay. It's amazing. Great personality members. And I'm the guy that drowned in a float, almost drowned in a float tank like two weeks ago. Wait, how did you almost drown in a float tank? Okay, so I was thinking about... How do you not look surprised at that? So, so I was thinking about Gilmon Girls and wrestling while I was in the float tank.

We're thinking about, what? Gilmore Girls, the TV show and wrestling. Gilmore Girls, wow. That's an interesting combination. I know, right? Fuck, Rory. She's a piece of shit. Anyways, but I was relaxing, and then I fell asleep,

and then I just kind of went all the way down, and I was just like, oh, and it's 10 inches of water. 10 inches is a lot. Hey, oh. And, yeah, I woke up, and I was like, oh. shit, I don't want to get out of this giant air pod because if I do, they're going to know something's wrong. So I sat cross-legged for 15 minutes.

Yeah, it was embarrassing. Okay. And then someone recognized me, and I was, like, really quiet. It was awkward, but it's pretty cool. Glad you made it, real. So then it's true what they say about black people in swimming. Yeah. Ten inches of water.

Drew Nickens, you did it, buddy. Congratulations. He's back. The return of Drew Nickens. The record holder for most appearances ever on one episode of the show. His first night on the show, he came out like 11 times. Anything can happen.

This is our first bucket pool of the night, everybody. We're gonna meet these people all together. Make some noise for this person. It's a minute from J.D. Madison, everybody. Here we go. What's up, y'all? I'm going to stage dive after, so you two get ready to catch, all right? Now, the headline tomorrow would be three dead, seven injured, 16 missing.

So, yeah, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. One of which is, like, I don't think you can really call yourself straight until you jack off to gay porn for the first time. So think about it. Like, if you're over 30, we grew up with the AIDS crime. and our parents tell them it's gay people are bad. So you have to test that shit out, man. I like to do it once a year, just on my birthday.

Make sure I'm still good. A little gift to myself. So comfort my own sexuality. I am straight, though, so far. But I got two kids. My five-year-old's a little bit of a maniac. She's obsessed with a K-pop demon hunter, so if you guys know that one.

It's really great, but like, she wants to be one for Halloween, and I'm trying to figure out how much yellow face is appropriate for a five-year-old. I don't need a repeat of the Little Mermaid incident. So that's my time. I'm J.D. Madison. Thank you. J.D. Madison. Welcome, J.D.

This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. I love it. And how long you've been on stand-up? This was my first time. Whoa. First time ever. Wow. First time ever being on stage? Uh, not on stage, but first time doing stand-up. Yeah, he's on stage, he's your stand-in for, uh...

I'm your stunt double. Is that four? 3x, 4x, right? Uh, 4, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow, look at this. It's my guy.

It's like, uh... This don't work out, you got a job in the back, bro. Yeah. That's an amazing talent being able to guess how many X's on that guy's shirt. I'm fucking impressed. You're like fat guy, rain man or something like that. That is incredible. I never would have known that that's a 4-X.

Yeah. Incredible. What do you do for work, J.D. Madison? I'm an IT consultant. Okay. Fun stuff. All right. And you've been doing that your whole life?

Consulting for a few years, but I've been in IT for like 20 years. How old are you? 42. Forty-two. What made you want to start stand-up now? So, like, I lost my dad during COVID. And, you know, the older I get, the more I'm like, man, you're fucking running out of time, dude. Like, do what makes you happy.

I love making people laugh. I love that. That's why I'm here. I love that. Was your dad a big guy, too? No, he was tall, but he wasn't, you know, this. Right. Exactly.

You mean amazing? Ha, ha, ha, ha. It's the greatest thing anyone's ever said to me in my life. Fluffy. Tell us more, J.D. What do you do for fun? You have any special skills or talents? Well, obviously, I like to cook.

Yeah. A big Texas barbecue guy, smoke, you know, all that good stuff. Love basketball. I have spur season tickets. I'm from San Antonio. Wow. And all that. Incredible.

Absolutely amazing. Do you ever play basketball or you're just shaped like one? No. I mean, what is that teenager? And I used to wrestle, like, with my sexuality. Okay. Hell yeah. All right.

What's your love life like now? I'm married two kids, so, you know, it's pretty good. Okay. But every year on your birthday, even though you're married with two kids, you're still testing out to see if you're gay every year. I mean, how do you know if you don't? Could you call it an intrusive thought?

Yeah. How intrusive is it? I mean, at least yearly. I don't know if that's that intrusive, yet it's still intrusive yearly. Yeah. What does the wife do for a living? She actually went to school to be a pediatric psych nurse, but she's married to me now, so she doesn't do that anymore.

She's a school nurse, actually, so. Okay. Cool. You ever worry about her banging any of the students? That's a thing that's happening nowadays. I mean, they're middle schoolers, so they probably have tiny dicks so far. I'm not worried about it She probably does it once a year just to see if she

She J.D. Madison So interesting. 42. How did it feel up there? Is there anything surprisingly different that shocked you

about your first time? No, I mean, stage is small. I didn't expect this many laughs, that's for sure. So I'm really happy about that. But it's great. man.

Yeah. Wow. Amazing. All right, JD. Well, you have a whole thing ahead of you, even though it was just okay. It was great for a first time set. Better than my first set. Yeah.

Better than my first set. So way to go. Thank you, man. Great confidence, man. And you're leaving here with a big joke book. There you go. Right into that, right into the tit. Right into the tit, great catch.

The old titty catch. Your dad's looking down on you right now, man. No problem. I'm just wondering if you're gay or not, but yeah. There he goes, J.D. Madison, everybody. All right, so you get it. The show has begun. And straight into our...

Oh, my God. Wow. Have you ever seen anything more pretty than the great Heidi, everybody? Heidi orgina.com. She's got a new podcast with the great Valerie Vaughn. Unbelievable. We bet you didn't know.

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Get on board. Via Rail, love the way. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It goes by the name of Mike Holloway, everyone. Here we go. Here comes Mike Holloway. Every time I shower, I dry off. And then over the next few minutes,

Every bit of moisture that I've missed from my entire body travels to my balls and stays there. Somehow, even the water I missed from my legs defies gravity and ends up there, and I have to drive my balls twice. So, since all roads lead to Rome, I decided to call my balls Romulus and Remus. It's an ancient Roman history joke. It's also a joke about my balls. Toofer. That one hits the highbrow and the lowbrow. Moving on to my dick.

My dick likes to hang to the right, but I like it on the left. We're always going back and forth about it. All right. Mike Holloway. Old Wet Balls Holloway. Welcome back to the show, Mike. I remember you being here because your face is absolutely unforgettable. It is an incredible thing. Remind us, Mike.

How long have you been on stand-up? About six years. Six years. Where at? Mostly in Kansas City. What do you do for work? I'm a cook. You're a cook. Pizza planet, right?

Where are you a cook at? Uh, tapville. Okay. What do you mostly make? What's your specialty? Salisbury steak? No, uh, we do steak, we do pastas, we do burgers. Awesome.

What do you do for fun when you're not working, Mike, and you're not doing stand-up? Uh. You look like you have some real creepy fucking hobbies. Pick up chicks outside of a hot topic or something like that. No. You look like you sometimes work part-time, letting people on the festival rides or something. No, I don't really do a whole lot besides work in comedy right now,

but I like to play beach volleyball. Really? When in Kansas City, I was on a beach volleyball team. I never would have guessed beach volleyball. That's incredible. There's a ball involved. That's true. Sometimes it rolls into the water.

It gets wet. You're playing with wet balls all over again. Mike, anything crazy about your family, your history, your childhood, anything that you think makes you different than everybody else in the world? I was an oldest child, a middle child, and an only child. Okay. So you were an only child. And then there was a kid.

There was a kid. My mom and my dad. Mother. Between my mom and my dad, I was the only child. My dad had two older kids before me. And then two younger. So I'm a middle child there. And then I was the oldest of my mom's kids.

Wow. Yeah. They were divorced like when I was like a year old. Okay. Fuck. Nothing to really go on. Not much to work with there. Let's check in with Romulus and Remus down there.

Do you have any kids? No. No. That I know of. It's crazy that you don't have any kids because you have the face of an actual sperm. It's an amazing face. What's your love life like?

You got a girlfriend? chained up to a radiator right now somewhere? It's the last date you went on. What was that like? I haven't dated anybody in about seven or eight years. Why do you think that is exactly? Because I have HPV. Wow.

How do you get HPV from aggressively masturbating? That's what I do now. So let's talk about the HPV. How did you get it? Tell us about this magical night. This took a turn quickly. Yeah, I love it. I just keep digging until I find something extremely interesting, like an HPV breakout.

You are the breakout star of the night so far. You have an HPV special coming out on HPV. All right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Let's, do you remember the night that you got it? No. No. I don't know when I got it. I, there was a period where it could have been a number of dirty sluts. Wow. So it's amazing. Oh, dude.

Yeah. I was just having empathy for you. I was like, yeah, right? You thought something happened home, and then you were. Probably paid for that in dirty. Sweet guy, you were honest. You don't have to share that. Dirty slut did it to me.

It's amazing. You haven't been on a date six, seven, eight years, or whatever you said. And meanwhile, you were such a dirty dirt ball back in the day that you don't even know how you got it. Yep. Wow. I grew up fat. Like, I was...

Me too. I was almost 400 pounds. Whoa, that's like a 4X. Yeah. It's actually a five. So what's it like? How often do you see, like, a breakout or something like that? What's it like?

Is it on your balls, penis? You're a total cauliflower, dick. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. What does it smell like? Red band. Why would you say something like that? There's children watching around the world right now.

That is a disgusting thing. What does it smell like? Have you ever smelled it? I don't really smell it, but Red Band, if you really want to smell it, I might let you smell it. Wow. Red Band's never been near any kind of cauliflower before, so this is very exciting.

He avoids vegetables at all costs. Are you saying you're broken out right now? You got it on here? No, it's not a breakout thing. It's just like always. You always have. Wow. Shave it off.

Oh, my God. It just looks like the Joker's face paint down there. Do you know how I got this? Do you know how I got this? Because I don't know how I got this. That is incredible. So have you ever, like, have you ever, like, told a girl? And she's like, I'm down.

I don't care. Yeah, my last girlfriend. Wow. Tell us about her. She was crazy, though. Yeah. Last I heard, she was serving a 12-year prison sentence for, kidnap, rape, or not rape, kidnap, torture.

They like... Oh, torture, oh, good, okay. Thank God, thank God. This almost got weird. Do you know what she did? How did she kidnap and torture somebody? You must have gotten... I don't know all the details,

but what I heard was that they had somebody in, like, a dog kennel cage, and they were, like, beating them and throwing hot... like boiling water on them and cutting them and stuff like that. Wow. I mean, we do that to Drew Nickens like once a month, but that's crazy that...

This was well after we... She broke up with me. Yeah, what a bitch. What the fuck does that do to your self-esteem? Absolutely amazing. You got a little joke book last time you were on? I got a big one the first time I was on. Well, there you go. There he goes.

He's did it again. Mike Holloway. We're going to keep it moving. Wow. That woman's in prison with an HPV cauliflower pussy right now. Amazing. Imagine the lips on her. Wow.

Red band. This episode is brought to you by Nick Talk Space and Quo. Make some noise for your third bucket pool of the night. It's Ernest Evans Sr., everybody. Man, I just moved into a safe white neighborhood. I know lofty goes, white people. Thank you. But now my kids got white friends.

And I can't say the shit that I normally say around my kids because they got white friends. I mean, I don't say the N-word a lot. But my friends, they use the N-word like Frank's Red Hat. They put that n-n-a-on-every thing. So I'm taking my daughter and her little white friend to get some ice cream, you know what I'm saying, bumping some two chains. And my phone rings on Bluetooth. That's one of my army buddies. The first thing got his mouth is, nigger, nigger. I'm like, hey, hold on, bro.

Chill out. Chill out. I got a little white girl in the car. He's like, oh, nigger, you kidnapping now? I'm like, no, bro. No, shit. We're just going to get some ice cream. Shit, chill out. So meanwhile, I'm looking back. in the review mirror she looking to me smiling this shit like she ain't on the joke I say don't worry she says don't worry my daddy says it all the time I'm like oh shit I'm right fantastic Ernest Evans Sr. making his kill Tony debut yeah welcome Ernest Evans Sr. T-A-C baby what's up what's up have you

been on the show before? Yeah, about a year to this date. Matt Rife was the... Okay. Yes, sir. Well, welcome back. I remember you now. Yeah, appreciate you.

They say, forget it. How's life been since your last time on? Good, man. She had producing shows around here, being funny, trying to get in, man. HBO, helper brother out. I love it. You went from HPB to HBO. Incredible.

Amazing, Ernest. Remind us, what do you do for work? Man, I'm a veteran, 22 years in the Army, but now I work for the state. Hell, yeah. Yes, sir. You work for the state? Yes, sir.

What do you do for the state? I'm a management analyst. What? Process improvement specialists. Process improvement specialist. Oh, now you know. Yeah, I know you got it at Wutton. What is a process?

Can you give us a third explanation? What is a process improvement? So I just take all the processes that we do in the state and try to streamline them and make them efficient, make them better? You couldn't lead with that? Well, shit, I knew you knew. I didn't know. I was like, Sal.

I don't know why he's working, though. He's fucking funny. I appreciate that, sir. You're funny. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Thank you. It's amazing.

You are very funny. Thank you. The confidence is next level, too. I love this. Yeah. Well, people say I look like Jamie Fox, so. I'm going to make you do with it, do, baby. It was pretty cool in a minute you had, like it was a full, it felt like a set in a minute.

You had a beginning, a middle, and end. Yes, that's like, that doesn't happen a lot. So it was nice to see, like, something that well-rounded in a minute, yeah. Well, thank you. It is amazing, Ernest. What do you do for, what do you do for fun when you're not performing or what? Fish, shit. I'm trying to do this full time.

I'm trying to quit my job, man. Shit. I'm trying to, all that. Okay. Yeah, so jokes, fish, chill with the kids, grand kids. Okay. What type of? You're a grandfather.

I am. I got two grandkids. Wow, look at you. I've done a lot of shit. You look very young. The only reason I think you're older is because of the gray, but otherwise, you know, I guess... That's it?

Yeah. Black don't crack, right? It don't. It don't. Well, I got three gym membership, so that shit better paying out. Well, you took mine. Come on, man.

You can keep it. All right, yeah. You probably don't want this planet fitness. Why do you have three gym memberships? Well, CrossFit, got down the YMCA, because I'm 45, got kids and shit. You know what I'm saying? And then, L.A. Fitness. Okay.

You already know he's Mexican, they be all L.A. Fitness. La Fitness. La Fitness. Live fitness. La, baby. Amazing stuff, Ernest. What exactly do you do at the YMCA? What's different at the YMCA that you don't have at L.

fitness. Free child care shit. Free child care? Yeah, Tony. I don't understand. Explain that. I don't know. Show up to that bitch. You'd be like, hey, take these kids.

They take them and you go work out. Wow. I didn't know that's awesome. I didn't know they had that. Yeah, for real. That's amazing. But I'm gonna be at the gym, though. I go to the club and shit.

Come back. Hell yeah. You go out the back. Hey, I'm streamlining processes. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Amazing. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, man. Wow. What's it like being a grandfather? Tell us about that. Man, it's lovely, bro. Because you're young for a grandfather, right? Yeah, I'm 45. I had a kid when I was young, so got my high school sweetheart pregnant at 18.

I thought we was going to be together, went to AIT. She was cheating on me as shit, so came back and I was like, damn, now I got to join the army. So that's how I happened. It's a black woman. No, she's white. She's a white woman. And she was cheating on you?

Like a motherfucker. How did you find out that she was cheating on you? How did you find out this white devil was cheating on you? Man, I came back home, man. She had hickeys and shit on her neck. I was like, oh, hell now. Oh, hell now. It's right.

Hey, somebody out here with their side chick right now, shit. Yep. Yep, this guy's going to murder her eventually. So she had hickies on her neck and you asked about it, did she try to make up an excuse or anything? You know she did talk. Yeah, what did she say? What did this white bitch say?

She said, the baby was grabbing my neck. I said, you're a goddamn lie. The baby two days old, ain't even that strong. What's that? Is that in your set? You ever talk about that on stage? You should do that. I got it right now.

I should? Yeah. I love me ask the drummer. Hold on, let me ask the drummer if I should put it in myself. No, in fact, I love you, but. My goodness. And did she end up admitting it? Did she end up coming clean that she was cheating on you,

or did she lie down to the very end? Man, cheaters don't admit shit, bro. Yeah. Still, it admitted to this day. But we're cool now, so. Right. Yeah. Until she see this.

Right, yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, until she see this shit. Ernest Evans, you got a big joke book last time you were on? I did, yes, sir. Did you already fill it up? I did. Well, here's another one, my friend.

Boom. And Ernest, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. The Secret Show this Thursday. Ernest Evans Sr. Being booked on a real comedy gig here in Austin, Texas. How fun. We bet you didn't know. Our new quieter trains are great for listening.

for listening to that self-help podcast you lied about actually listening to get on board via rail love the way we bet you didn't know our new quieter trains are great for listening to that self-help podcast you lied about actually listening to get on board via rail love the way we're just going to keep flying right through it your next bucket pole ladies and gentlemen go by the name of Pamela Galvez, everyone. Pamela Galvez. Hi, everybody. So my boyfriend, he still goes to the pediatrician. This is a true story. I've been with him to the pediatrician twice. and his pediatrician used to see his little baby balls,

and now he gets to see where he empties his balls. Ooh! I know I'm fresh. I usually like to ask people, If you could be an animal, which animal would you want to be? If I could be an animal, ladies, I want to be a female seahorse. Because the female seahorse, the guys, they fight over her, and then whoever wins takes her on dates.

And then she nuts her eggs into his sack, and she leaves him pregnant with 500 babies. And she's out. So like the female seahorse, I'm out. Wow. Pamela Galvez. I guess that was a comedy set. Something like that.

Pamela. Okay, let's talk about it. Ola. We both made the same face when she twerk, right? Yeah, we're both like, oh, that's a different show. Yeah. One way to get them laughing. Wait, what face is that?

What face is that? Okay, all right, all right, all right. It does smell like a seahorse up here. all of a sudden. My goodness. Deep madness is sensitive to the smells. Pamela. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Four years. Where at? All of it in Austin? Huh? All of it in Austin, Texas? Austin, Miami, New York, L.A. All right, ba-da-bada-bada-bada-bada, all everywhere. Oh, my goodness. Bahamas.

I even did a show in the Bahamas. Wow, incredible. Hope you got that. What? Hope you got that. Do you do it in so many places because the place you do it and won't have you back? I'm kidding.

You're a firecracker. It's just, I'm intimidated. I am. Listen, every, so I just wanted to say, you know, usually everybody's day, oh my God, I just lost 25 pounds. Well, I just want to say, I've gained 35 pounds. Wow. There's some fat people cheering for you out there. Let's celebrate weight gain.

Okay. All right. I don't know what RFK Jr. would say about that, but... How do you do it? You're so proud of your weight gain. Tell us, what's your process? How exactly are you packing on the pounds? Eat in, eat and eat in. Wow. I love that she looks right. Yeah. Yeah, I know how it works. I know it works.

Right, that's why you know. What exactly is, are you eating, though? I know you're eating, but tell us what are some of your favorite snacks? Hello, this is Texas. I've been eating a lot of steak. The steak is so good. It's not the steak that's stick in there. That's just straight protein.

What type of carbs are you? Steak. Oh, potatoes and steak. potatoes and steak, lots of steak. Okay. Fake, steak, steak. I don't believe you. I think there's a lot of sweets in there

and late-night carbohydrates, that's my guess. Dulce, a lot of duce de leche. Okay, again, bad bunny performing the Super Bowl halftime show. Yes, that's right, because Cam was there, you know, yeah, right. Okay, okay, what's your love life like, Pamela? It seems like you would annoy the absolute dickens out of a human being. They would just...

They would lie about having cauliflower dick just to get away from you. Something tells me she's eating that cauliflower, dick. Only steak, steak, steak, steak. cauliflower has no carbs. Some carbs. Okay. It's got some fatness to it.

Right? It has some fatness to it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Pamela, what's your love life like? You got a boyfriend? No. You date a lot? You on the apps?

I'm just chilling like a villain, baby. Okay. Chilling like a villain. I feel like I'm inside a TikTok right now. Oh, my God. Are you a little drunk, Pamela? No, I'm just excited and nervous to be here. Okay.

I was going to ask the same. Are you genuinely just sober right now? Yeah. I mean I have like some tequila of course but that's it oh that's it yeah that doesn't even have alcohol in it just a tiny bit of tequila all right Pamela and you want to ejaculate into men and give them 500 babies yes I want to get I want to get you pregnant no pregnant you pregnant hey aim that to you're pregnant in it over there okay you pregnant we'll have blue-white babies yeah let's do it come on

all right Pamela some Mexican babies if I get you pregnant there are there We have a blind baby? All right, Pamela over here, Pamela. Here's a little joke book. I'm going to get you out of here before we get fucking. Wow. There she goes. Pamela, Pamela,

put the mic in the mic, say get the fuck out of here. Literally no one wants to see you dance. There she goes. Pamela Galvez, everybody. Jesus Christ, Almighty. All right, let's have some fun here. Hey, Tony. Yeah.

I think I might be pregnant. She got me a couple times. You might have to move up to a 5x after this. You might. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular here that is one of the biggest stars in all of comedy, here with the brand new minute future citizen of the United States of America.

Ladies and gentlemen, this. Gentlemen, this is Ari Matty. Holy shit. First of all, I go to the pharmacy. There's Advil and Advil instant. Who the fuck has a migraine and sees those options and is like, ah?

I'll write this out for another 45. Dude, I put this advil in my mouth and it tastes sweet. You guys put sugar on your medicine. You know the rest of the world doesn't do that. The miracle is enough. But only in America, even for those two seconds

when you're looking for that glass of water. Even for those two seconds, can it not be the greatest country on earth, huh? It's gotta be fucking, woo! Born in the USA! No wonder you guys are fat. You have sugar on your medicine! The government is trying to kill you.

That's the American government. It fixes the migraine, but then, slips you diabetes on the back end. Boy, you guys are fat. Dude, I went to Dunkin' Donuts for the first time. Dude, whatever happened to a plain donut? It was good enough in Dunkin' Donuts. Just everything.

Sprinkle, grazed, penetrated, just fucking. Here you go. More sugar. Dude, Dunkin' Donuts has an early bird special. If you go to Dunkin' Donuts between 7 and 8 a.m. And you buy a donut, you get the second one for free. Listen, if you start your day with a donut, the last thing you need is another donut.

Thank you. The powerful. The Estonian assassin has done it again. Ari Matty. Wow. What time is that again? Sorry? What time between...

Seven and eight. Seven and eight. Seven and eight a half. Hilarious stuff, my friend. Absolutely incredible. Wow. I never thought of that before about the sweet... Literally, the painkiller sugar.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. You guys need to relax. It is out of control. It is out of control. It is out of control. You know why, though, right?

Red band. It's going your bloodstream faster. Oh. Sugar? You know that. Yeah. That's what you keep telling yourself. Yeah.

No, it actually helps. It helps the... He just sucks the candy part off the ad bill. Spits it out like a sunflower seed. throws another one in his mouth. Ah, it's good for you. It's in Bloodstream. I love it, Ari.

You are a huge fucking superstar. You absolutely destroy everywhere you go. Tell us about life a little bit. How's it going? How's it evolving? How's it changing? What's going on being a rock star? Yeah, it's good.

Listen, we need more bitches in the Kill Tony fan group. Every time I go out, it's all dudes, great said. Great set, dude. I love your stuff. And then they try to fix my joke. They're always like, yeah, you should say you raped your sister at the end. Sure, buddy. We need Matt Rife. We need Matt Rife on the panel every fucking night. Where's the bitch's hat?

Where's the bitch's hat? I mean, there's a lot of lovely ladies out here today. I mean, there's a lot of... Yeah, everyone's... Every chick here came with their boyfriend and they don't like the show. Look at that one. Look how pretty that girl is with the hat and the mustache and the Adams apple right there. What's up, Kid Rock?

Look at that. Good to see you. Yeah. So, Ari, I mean, you're out there on the road. What's going on? What else is happening? It's crazy. So you've been anywhere fun?

What do you like where you've been? Just doing gigs, riding my little bicycle around, you know? That's what I do. I ride my little bicycle around. You got a bicycle now? Yeah, I don't have a driver's license, so I got to do what I got to do it. Like an e-bike or regular bike? No, regular.

Yeah, Red Band wants to know. Anything that not pedal. It actually helps it get to the bloodstream. So you got a little 10 speed? You got a little 10 speed? I just take the hills on old school, dude. Wow. E-bike.

By the way, I've seen two e-bikes at Red Man's Place. They got fucking spider shit all over it. There's a full civilization around his e-bikes. There's a kill Tony happening on his e-bike right now. It's Avatar. There's a... They really are. There's a gay little cockroach going, unbelievable.

Those are some dusty e-bikes at Red Band's house. Even with an electric motor, you can't get his ass out on the fucking streets. No sun absorption. When's the last time you went on a little e-bike ride? I'd press only motor and never touch the pedals. I can't use them because it can't park anywhere.

That's why I don't use it. But I use, like, lime scooters every day. But I used it, like, two weeks ago. Oh, wow. Look at that. Where'd you go? I just ran my neighborhood and shit. Yeah, Carl's Jr.

I like, look at the go exploring. You know, they'll find dead bunnies and stuff. Pedals look at Brian like, sure. You said there's nowhere to park your e-bike. That's why you don't go out. Yeah, like, I can't bring it here, you know. I can't bring it to most places because it's like people steal that shit.

It's like a $6,000 bike. Yeah, you don't want it stolen. So you better not ever take it out anywhere. You just leave it in your apartment. You don't want it to get stolen. That's why you don't ride your bike. Duncan lets you park them. Gondonies, seven to eight, double donuts, double your donuts.

Where do you park your bike? Let's help Red Band out a little bit. Maybe we can get his fat ass out of the apartment. But it is a stress, like I went to Trader Joe's the other day, and then... When you see the bike, what a steel? The rack! This guy knows. The rack!

I always... Sometimes they're full, so you... You try to pick, because my bicycle is nice. So I try to pick which bike to put my bike next to. And I tried to tell a story of what this guy's lifestyle is like. So I try to find like a nice bike to go with my nice bike. And then dude, like a week ago, I come out and my bike is just hanging like all fucked up. And I saw who that motherfucker.

It was an e-bike, by the way. Of course. Those e-bike people. I just took his bicycle, left mine in the dirt. I'm gonna find him. I'm gonna go to Trader Joe's every day. I'm gonna kill this, mother. Because I'm obsessed about scratches, dude.

They have like, there's three new scratches on my bicycle, dude. I almost fucking rented a U-Haul and drove through a fucking Sabrina Carpenter concert at ACL. Feel my pain. There's fucking vapes and laboos flying. Oh my god, so funny. Dude, ACL has a lot of these whores, dude. Oh, yeah. It really is.

And I'm 33, and when I look at young girls now, I don't want to fuck them anymore. I just want to raise him, you know. Just tie a bitch down and yell at her, like, dressed like this, huh? There's a breeze coming. Did you partake in any of the ACL activities? Dude, fuck, no. It's a pretentious, fucking festival full of fucking face.

Terrible line-ups. Yeah, yeah, terrible. We'll get the fuck out of it. Sabrina Carpenter's shirt. I want to become a whore. Yeah. As we all know, the great Sabrina. Fuck out of here, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Outside in a porta-potty, $400 tickets. Dude, it's $400, by the way. Crazy. Dude, if it's $400. Fly me in with a helicopter, dude. Yeah.

I'm not taking a shit in a border body. Yeah. It is unbelievable. There's just nothing good. The lineups aren't good, and it's just a ton of people. I went last year. Who did I see? Oh, the red hot chili peppers.

No, no, that's fire. It was so mediocre. Huh. So mediocre. California, California. Oh, you have a personal, hmm. Yeah. It's just a thing.

Lendetta. They're old now. too. Yeah, they're like real old. Real old? Yeah. Damn. Not so chilly anymore.

Yeah. Red hot. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't have a riff about that. Hey, Gabriel, last time I was on, remember that merch incident? Oh, by the way, yeah, last time I was here, he, uh, he almost got one of my employees fired. Because I, because I, uh, yeah, I know.

Uncovered a scandal in your organization. Yeah, in the organization. You're watching your merch now. You're watching your merch now, huh? I'm watching, yeah, where's... Don't you're watching, yeah. Don't you know, I went back and I showed the video clip of him outing my merch guy. My merch guy, Ivan, Ivan.

Yeah. Thank you, Ivan. I still have six bottles of fluffy Tapatio, by the way. It is so good. I swear to God, something about your label makes it a little bit better than normal Tapatio. Which we love. And you have a special edition now, right? Or something that came out?

Oh, yeah. Black label. Ooh. What's that like extra spicy? It's just a label. It's not enough. Extra black. You know what I mean?

Shit. This shit. It's hot soft. You gonna ship water out of your ass. Just David Jolly on the label. Just. Black hot sauce, ladies and gentlemen. So anyway, watching the merch, a lot better.

So thank you for uncovering that. That was the best review to let me know what was going on. There's t-shirts everywhere right now. In Ukraine, dude, half the soldiers are wearing fluffy ones. Even the Russians. Both sides. You know that Spider-Man meme? Oh god, too funny, Ari, you are truly one of the best in the world.

Unbelievable. Go see him live. Killers to kill Tony, touring all over. Everything's amazing. It's all happening. That dude's a legend. It's incredible. You should see. I mean, in his longer sets, he just comes out guns ablazin

and does not chill at all. He is nonstop relentless. One more time Ferrari, Maddie, everybody. All right, we found him in the bucket and anything can happen. We found every regular Golden Ticket winner of all time out of this simple bucket. It could happen right now.

We bet you didn't know. Our new quieter trains are great for listening to that self-help podcast you lied about actually listening to. Get on board. Via Rail, love the way. We bet you didn't know. Our new quieter trains are great for listening to that self-help podcast you lied about actually listening to. Get on board. Via Rail, love the way.

Now, anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Chaddow, everyone. Chattow. What's up, guys? Just, I want to let you know I'm pretty proud. I've never uttered the phrase, I have a black friend. Yeah.

I've been called the white friend on many occasions, which is always awkward because you have to tell him. I would never be friends with a black guy. I'm not racist. No, no, it's my wife. She's going to try to fuck them. No, she leaves me little hints around the house. Like the other day, she got me this book.

She left it out of my nightstand. It's called How to Make a Woman Orgasm. Yeah, I don't know how it ended. I didn't finish it. I knew it was too complicated for me because the first page said, lick your fingers to turn these pages. Fuck this.

But I have a lot of collections. I don't pay anybody back. If I owe you, if it ain't getting cut, it ain't getting paid. All right? Yeah. So one of the biggest collections I have is to a sex shop, an adult store. You know, one of these... Oh, never mind.

I'm not paying you. Fuck you. I'm Chado. Thanks a lot. Okay, Chado. It's nice of you to stop your Twitch stream to be here. Thank you. You look fantastic.

Fantastic, Chato. It's incredible, Sal. I like how you came out and pointed to the other Joe Dirt. Yeah. Game, recognized game. Hell yeah. Chattow, remind us. How long have you been doing stand-up? I'm going on four years now, all here in Austin. Okay. What do you do for work?

I own a cannabis college, and I write books. I wrote novels and children's books for adults also. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. How's that going? Good? No, it's, nobody knows who I am. Going by Chattow is very hard for. people to find you.

Writer Chado. Okay. All right. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Gabe? No, just, oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Why do you go by Chattow? Because the last name, if I pronounce it, it's not spelled that way. It's just hard to find or hard to understand or hard to say. So doing open mics, it was just easier to cut it down. You really do have a wife? I really do.

I think she's in the backyard about three, four feet down right now. But yeah, she's good. What do you mean by that? No. she's not dead I was just kidding oh not yet amazing yeah what does she do she works for U-Haul

she takes calls wow yeah she answers the phone at U-hall from home yeah wow incredible she's a white lady yeah I believe her not yeah okay and have you made her do you actually make

her orgasm yeah we've been married 26 years how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom so you ask me this We do a lot of things, but the latest thing is I kind of wait for her to fall asleep and make sure she's gone, and then I just jerk off. Very exciting. Do you watch something on your phone, or do you use your imagination? Apparently that wakes her up, so, yeah, you got to keep her to the DL, you know. But, yeah, the headphones help, but then again, she's just watching her for three minutes.

You don't even know. She's just calling her name out, and like, yeah. So she's sleeping and you're jerking off. Yeah, yeah. And then it's children's books, you say, you're right? Yeah, for adults, for adults. They're for slow adults. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, for real. It's a book for a challenge. I brought you guys some today, actually. You did? Yeah, if you guys would like. That's different. You usually give up books. Yeah, yeah.

Let's see. Where's one at? They're coming right now, I believe. Wow. He has an assistant. Let me see one of those, Heidi. Let's see what we got here. What are we got?

These are based on my stand-up, so they're hilarious. Wow. Yes, so they must be bedtime stories then. Okay, based on stand-up comedy by Chaddow. Stevie-J moves to the burbs. Stevie-J. Chad, what is your actual full last name? It's hard to pronounce.

It's O-S-S-E-S-K-Y, but it's spelled O-L-S-H-A-V-S-K-Y. So, yeah. Oh. Yeah, Chad-O. I noticed, just looking through this real quick, Half the time you use Stevie J, but then other times you just use Stevie. Like, what's going on here? Why was it?

Yeah, some people don't use their last name all the time. It's just sometimes, you know. No. Yeah, thanks for putting on the continuity of my errors. Not going to lie, this looks like a book about Jesus. Yeah, it's based on myself, obviously, you know. Oh, wait, so your wife is the illustrator. Yes, she is.

Yeah. Oh, well, why didn't you say that? Well, these are unbelievable illustrations. Can we not make everything about the bitch? Come on. She's kind of, wait, that's not AI. They're really good illustrations. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. She feels good. Red Band thinks it's AI. Is your wife AI? Actually, my wife is not, but she does use AI and then Photoshop to make them. Wow. AI is very consistent.

This is like Disney quality type artwork. Yeah, it really is, she does good work. Yeah, it's really hard to get AI to be consistent, and she does a really good job. making it happen like that. Wow. Prompter. Prompts. TVJ is a bad. Make better. Make better. Make better.

Make better. This is good enough. Yeah. Good enough. It's amazing. Being able to utilize AI for your art. It's just incredible. Make a little better. More urban.

More urban. Okay, Chato. You have a little joke book? I got a big one last time. Okay. Well, they are. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, that's Chado. We're going to keep it moving along. Chado after R.E. Maddie is like a, it's like a, it's like a sugar-free lemonade after a shot of tequila or something like that.

Oh my goodness. Look at that. Speak of the Devil. Heidi. All right, this looks like a new name. This could be fun. Make some noise for Hu Leo, everybody. We're going to meet Who Leo out of the bucket right now.

right now. Wow. Julio. So my mom raised an autism child and raised me and ended up wishing both her kids turned out retard. Um, my dad, well, I would get in a lot of trouble, so my dad was like, hey, um, I get in trouble when I hang out with my friend, my very best friend, Johnny Walker. He gives me invisibility powers.

So I'm like, you mean like superhero? He's like, yeah, every time I go with my friend and I get home and your mom looks at me and goes, I can't even look at you right now. Can't even see you like this. I used to be gay. I went to one of those pray the gay out of you Jesus camps. And now I'm having all kinds of heterosexual sex. Wow.

There you go, bro. Julio. Amazing. I have so many questions. Whoa! You're excited. Hi, Julio. Welcome.

Hi. I'm very first. Very first comedian. Very first comedian. First time to stand. Let me like. I've been going to, I've been to two of my... Okay.

I love it. You can barely fucking speak the language. This is incredible right now. Absolutely amazing. So far so good, Julio. Thank you. Yeah, man. Where are you from?

I got more. Puerto Rico! Whoa. Hell yeah. Wow. Wow. You're like, uh, you're like, uh, okay. Yeah.

Uh, how long have you been in America? How many days have you been in America? No, January 99. January 99. January of 1999. Excuse the footing. There's a lot of whys. The month of January.

Yindyine. She's mine. Okay. So, Julio. From San Juan or where, we're about? about some Puerto Rico? It's like Bayamon, like 10 miles away from... It's a metro area, yeah.

Okay. All right, okay. The metro area. Were you... Are you or were you gay or is that just a joke or... Look at the watch, bro. Look at the watch. He's still gay.

Sorry, bro. It's a reloh, come on. It's like an ambiguous now. I didn't know if that was a genuine... It's the kind of stuff I dream about. You went to a Jesus camp or whatever it was? No. That's just my imagination for joke.

Talk loud, Julio. My imagination for joke. Your imagination. Oh, so you're straight. So you're straight. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. He's definitely not fucking straight, Sal.

What are you talking about? You said you're having all kinds of straight sex. How many coins are there? Coming to Kill Tony is like when Neo go through the Oracle, you know, I'm like, yeah, I want to find out if I'm really good or not. Wow. I need live subtitles. right now. This is incredible. I'm calling ICE.

Me, me. Puerto Rico is part of America, I know. Puerto Rico, he's from Puerto Rico. Winstoning and I'll learn that Puerto Rico is part of America. I fucking know. I love it. Trust me, I know. I didn't think I would understand someone less than Pamela.

Yeah, exactly. It is incredible. I'll be able to figure that out. Okay. What? Like, so that you're going to understand me. Okay. You're doing good. Julio, what do you do for work?

I'm a flight simulator technician. Wait, what do you mean? Like a video game for airplanes that real pilots train on before we get on them? You actually do that? I used to build them before I worked maintaining them. Wow. Bad ass.

Look at that. That's incredible. Bad ass. Yeah. He doesn't have to speak to do that. Yeah, exactly. That's amazing, Julio. And you've been doing that for how long?

Since 2003. Okay. All right. And do you have a steady lover right now in your life? Yeah. Okay. Is it a simulator? You can't get cauliflower from a simulator.

Say what you want. So where did you meet this guy at? Tell us about it, Julio. It's actually a machine. What? My bicycle. It's my lover. Your bicycle.

What are you saying? Hope it's not ARI's. What do you mean? I only dance with the machine, so, like, I don't... E-bike. Julio, stick with me here. What's your actual love life like? In real life.

I'm swimming in it. You're swimming in asshole. Me? What do you do, like, when you want to... I'm like, if they tell me, oh, that was deep, Julio, and I'm like, I'm trying to touch your heart, you know. Jesus Christ, Red Band, trying to conduct a professional interview over here. And I got you fart noising out of my left ear.

I can't understand a single fucking word this guy's saying. I'm a little nervous, that's it. This guy fucking will not come all the way out of the closet. It's the craziest thing. He's like peeking through the door from the inside of the closet. It's like, come on out, Julio. I know you're in there. We know you're in there, Julio.

Come out. What's going on? Are you afraid, like, Mama and Papa are watching from the metro area? Oh, no. San Juan, Puerto Rico. I bet they're proud. Do they know you're gay? My mom lives in San Antonio.

Your mom lives in San Antonio. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, the Puerto Rico of Texas. I love it. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Does your mom know you're gay? Um, I guess she knows now. Wow.

Wait, sorry, so you are gay? Yes, he's gay. This fucking guy is gay. I'm playing along. I don't, the more you speak, the more... I can't... I mean, I feel really comfortable with my sexuality, so... Yeah! It's like, no big deal.

No big deal. Like... So are you... Gay or straight? I wish I like hairy asses, you know, because that would be pretty cool. Okay. You're into women.

Yeah, yeah. And guys. No. Have you ever been... Bicycles? You're a beautiful man, Tony. Yes, I know. Thank you.

Wow. Wow. How many do you think I should butt fuck this guy right now? That's right. Okay, Keino, you don't have to do the light thing. You don't have to make the lights go crazy. Jesus, Keene. you know, relax back there.

All right. So the last person that you had sex with, in real life, was a woman. Where did you meet this lady at? On dating site. Talk loud, Julio. On a dating site? Dating site.

What was the dating site? It was like Tinder, I think. Tinder, okay. I'm on all of them. Right, of course. Because that's what straight guys do. They get on all the sites. Okay, so did you go on a date with her?

Did you go to a restaurant or something? Yes. What type of restaurant did you go to? We went to the Blue Star, Blue Star, our art district in San Antonio. They have Halcyon or whatever. A hacienda. And they have tabletop smores.

If you want to smash on the first date, get tabletop smores at... Tabletop scores. Smores. Smoors. Smoors. Okay. I feel weird.

Should I just translate for you? Yes. Absolutely. I'm in Spanish, way. I'll let go. D'allie. I'll tell you. D'le.

This is so frustrating. I feel like, yeah, back in the day. I'll write it out. I'll write it out. I love it. So what made you want to start stand-up comedy here today, Julio?

I've always known I've had good ideas in my town. They called me a... Gabriel, what the fuck you got out of this one? What, why? Can I get a translator for my translator? Hey! I always have good ideas.

Fuck, I don't understand him in Spanish. Ha! Wow! He said he always has good ideas. Okay, good ideas. Whoa, red band. Wow, look at that. That's that advil talking.

That's that advil talking. Yeah. The sugar-coated Advil. Julio, tell us more. What do you do for fun? Tell us more about yourself. Smash s'mores. Yeah.

I ride BMX bikes. BMX bikes. So you're a bike writer. Flatland BMX, yeah. That's kind of bike. I mean, I try. If I have money, I go to Puerto Rico and go big wave boogie boarding. Oh, wow, boogie boarding.

Okay. All right. You're way more interesting than you let on when you speak. I don't mean that as an insult. I just mean, like, you're all over the place and you're hard to understand, and then you say stuff, like you simulate programs

with flight instructors, and you go wakeboarding, and I'm like, oh, all right, like, I don't, you're, I'm confused. I'm very confused, right? You have a brother with autism as well? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

I wasn't sure, like, what was real, and what it wasn't. You're confused? Yes. Dear Diary, Jackpot. Wow. All right. Let me ask you, This is your first time doing a big show like this.

Did you have more jokes on that paper that you didn't get to do? You want to do them? All right, here you go. Do some more jokes. I want to know what else Julio has here. Everything starts with a why. Here he goes, doing another joke.

So since I'm older, sometimes it doesn't work all the time. so I pray to Jesus to raise my penis, Lazarus, from the dead. Okay, let's do another one. I always, or... He writes like he talks. Coming to the exam, it's a station for trans black women. Wait, what is? Trans black women.

What about it? A radio station. radio station for trans black women. Yes. Okay. It's called transistor. There's a banger. That's fun.

That's a great joke. That's fun. There you go. That's good, Julio. I work on my electric bike, try to make it faster, and now it identifies as a motorcycle. So it's like... Very good.

You have some cute jokes, Julio. Stoog, Julio. Thank you. It's totally gay. This is the gayest dude, like, ever. I didn't hear you, right? Thank you. Oh, my God.

So straight. I'm super stoked, actually. I would only call deem a conjoined twin. Ah, I love it. Singular twin. You weren't really heavy on that second page with the trip. You really went in with the trachshed. My eyes are not.

what they used to be. What? This is like, come on, give us one more, Julio. Can I read one? Let me read one. I don't think you can read it, dude. I want to see. This looks like a ransom letter.

Okay, okay. I got a joke. Okay, do it. Do one, Julio. And while I try to decipher this, uh, This fucking zodiac killer code that you have here. I always say my writing with shit, so like if I sent a threat letter,

that people will believe it. Hold on. Do the one with the chika that Chola will cut you. Oh, like, I got a type. It's a kind of Mexican girl that you'd never, ever, ever catch out of Taco Bell. A kind of Mexican chick that will talk behind your back about how you didn't speak in Spanish to her.

And the kind of chicka that will cut you if you get a twisted with her. So I'm going to clap her cheeks until she agrees with everything I say. Wow. Amazing. That wasn't a joke so much as a grievance followed by a threat. Yeah. Still sound gay? Yes. I swear I'm going to clap her cheeks until she tells me everything about being a woman that I want to know.

Okay, can you do the NXT Cucaracha smash? So yeah, like so my, I get to smash that cucaracha when I get me a nice Mexican girl. How about the alpha male bully? Oh, my brother was a bully, so I guess he's an alpha male and I'm a nerd, so that makes me alphabetical. Oh, my God, you're adorable. Wow.

What's the patience fist? How many jokes are on there? There's a lot. What's the patient's fist? I, sometimes I get impatient and I tell myself, self, no fissing ever starts by you punching on a vagina. Fuck yeah, dude.

I could watch a full hour of you. How about, uh... How about uh, cripples? What do you got for cripples with one P? I hate it when I go to six flags and all the front parking spots are handicapped and none of the cripples showed up. This guy's good.

This guy's good. I love it. All the best jokes you didn't do. you didn't do. You did a reverse. It's almost like I felt for your plot here. Like, let me see your jokes. And then you have like a bunch of... It worked.

Huh? The bait worked. Yeah, worked. You tricked me. This is probably how we're gonna end up butt-fucking later. You're tricking me. Okay.

What about we butt GF? What? Oh, yeah. I walked in on this girl that I was seeing with the Wii remote of her butthole. And I'm like... I was like, oh, honey, you're doing it wrong. Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio.

All right, one last one, one last one. Dude, they cheered for him. Let him walk away with that. No. Let him walk away on the cheer. Uh-uh. No, it's not that easy. This is a Cinderella story, man.

16. Get on your bike and head to San Anto, bro. One last one. You ready for it? I want to know exterminator cracks crais. Oh, yeah. So, like, whenever I role play, I want to be the exterminator. So you call and I show up unrealistically, like, fast.

And I come to fumacate your cracks and crows. Hulio. Oh my God. Wow. There's a big joke book, Julio. Absolutely unbelievable debut performance. Thank you. Julio, keep writing and come back, sign up, and do it again, okay?

Yes, thank you. You're welcome. Julio, ladies and gentlemen, with an unbelievable debut performance here on Kill Tony with a 17-minute and 20-second-long interview. That's how you know there's potential there. Let me remind you that Chado had about a four-minute-long interview, so Chattow's been doing it four years. Julio comes in here with a scrappy piece of paper and ends up stealing the show. You didn't even know his own. I'm just rattling cracks.

We still don't know. Get your straight. We will never know. Don't matter. Julio killed it. The premises, the premises didn't make any sense and there were no punchlines. How do we share this name? We love him.

I wish he had more. If he would have pulled out another piece of paper, I would have just done the rest of the show with him. I would have everyone else go home. Tell these people they can all hit the road because we're going to have fun with Julio. Unfortunately, we ran out of us. We ran out of the...

That was fun. That's what you love about this show, right? It's just the chaos. Anything can happen. Dreams coming true for a young, gay, straight man. We bet you didn't know. trains panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back so soon was the best decision get on board via rail love the way we bet you didn't know our new quieter trains are

great for listening to that self-help podcast you lied about actually listening to get on board via rail love the way all right your next bucket pool we're going to meet them all together make noise for Chris Miller, everybody. Here we go. Hey, guys. I've been playing basketball with the same group of guys for 20 years. We went to breakfast the other morning. We were talking about things that we did when we were a kid.

And my buddy Kenny, he's a black guy. And I said, Kenny, I said, did you ever run around your neighborhood and ring doorbells and run? when you were a kid. And he goes, yes, I did. And I said, what'd you call that? And he looked at me, he says, Chris, I called that the same thing you called that.

And I said, I said, okay, I apologize, I apologize, my friend. He goes, no, that's just what we called it. And I said, all right. I said, well, now I've got a 25-year-old son. So when my son was the age where they would run around neighborhood, ring doorbells and run, he, everybody had a ring camera.

So all my neighbors are sending me videos. So the kids get home and I go, guys, what are y'all doing? And my son goes, Dad, we're ding-dong ditching. And I was like, what did you call it? He goes, Dad, we're ding-don ditching. I threw my arms up in my living room. And my son goes, Dad, what are you doing? And I go, don't worry about it.

All you need to know is I'm a better dad than my dad was. All right, thank you guys. All right, Chris. Hi, Chris. How are you? Somehow, a red band like that. Yeah. Exactly what you're talking.

Yeah, you guys are the same age, so that makes sense. Sal. I understood Julio Moore. Yeah. I agree. Do you have any notes in your pocket? Any what? Notes.

Do you have any notes? No notes. Okay, Chris, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two months. Two months. And how long have you been selling insurance? What do you do for work?

I'm a salesman, but I don't sell insurance. I actually have a website that's on Shopify. Wow, amazing. We love Shopify. Not a lot of people know this, but if you use the promo code Kill Tony, you can start your own Shopify for an amazing, amazing deal. Okay, you married kids, the whole thing? Yeah, been married 28 years, I've got three awesome kids.

Awesome. What's the most exciting thing about your life? Like, what's something that would surprise us about you? Because you seem like just a real plain glass of water. glass of water. Well, I would say all my kids are fairly normal, and I think the reason is, is that all three of my kids have walked in on us having sex. Wow. Okay. And what have they seen? Well, I never asked them that question, but all I know is when you've been married a long time and when your wife says, you know, is the door locked? I mean, you say yes. Right. So, I mean, I go to the

casino. I always bet on red, and at least one time with each child, it was on black. Wow. Incredible. Do you really have a black friend named Kenny? Yeah, I play basketball for 20 years, the same guys. Wow. What does Kenny do for a living? He works for AT&T, but I don't know. He's got the HR department, so we probably shouldn't talk too much about him. Right. Absolutely. We don't want to cost a man his job at AT&T. What do you guys? You know, the joke You put a lot of Like it definitely was thought out

And you put a lot into it And I think somewhere along the line Maybe you missed a set of something Because I want to understand The punchline of the joke Yeah So because at first I thought it was Me a race thing

But then it wasn't And then I Ask Redband It's a race thing Back in the day Ding Dong and Ditch Was called something else That's how we all used to say

The N words as kids It was inward knocking That's what they used to call it What? That is what it was It was called N-word knocking, except we weren't, we didn't call it the N-word. You said the word. But what is, but what does ding-dong ditch?

That's what the kids call it these days. But we call it ring and run. Ring and run. What the fuck? Ring and run. I'm from the East Coast, which is better than this. So I don't know. Wow.

Full heel turn for South Volcano. Did you guys understand this joke? Okay. All right. Well, no, because I was so interested. You had me and I was like waiting on it. And then you got it into the cat. And then I was like, let's hear it.

And then I didn't get it. Nobody understood his joke. So I'm going to do something very, very special right now. Here to translate his joke for us, make some noise for Julio, everybody. Here he is. Julio, come back out. Send Julio out. Julio out.

You need to champ. Julio! Julio! Oh my God, here he is. Julio. Now, I gotta ask you, Julio, what do you, what was he talking about up here this guy? Just go ahead and explain it to us.

Uh, no, no idea. You want to have him retell the joke so that Julio can do it? That by step? Say it again? You want to have him read too? do the joke so Julio can do, you know, translate it. Julio, what do you think it meant?

Did you catch any of it? No, like, I was talking on the phone with. The fuck, who the fuck were you talking on the phone with? To my mom. Oh my god, really? You still have your phone on you? You have it on you right now? No, no.

Let's call Julio's mom real quick. Give him his phone. I want to talk to your mom. What's your mom's name? Esperanza. Esperanza. Oh my goodness gracious. Okay. Call her and put it on speaker and then hand it over to me over here. Here, just hit send. Yo, you have to turn it back on.

Is your mom speaking? The phone doesn't ring when you're calling a person. Yeah, she speaks really good. She don't think she's great at it, but she is. but she is. The sound effect of an antique phone. Well, Julio's trying to turn on his little cricket over here.

I have a special plan. It works in Puerto Rico and only Texas. All right. This phone only work in San Antonio. All right. Is it ringing? It's not ringing? Maybe it's...

Bro, I love... Maybe he's wanting to connect to my headphones or something. Oh, oh. I love that it says mama on it. Like, it's written mom. It's not mom, it's mama. Hey, that's why I don't disrespect women. I...

I go on a lot of dates because of that. I also had a scrotum tuck. What? Bro. Bro, I don't know that you want to know this. So, so old balls, that's not me. Hold on. I hear it.

Hello, Esperanza, it's me, Tony. La show, Kill Tony Show. Hello, Esperanza. I'm with your son, Julio. Yes. Wow. You speak better English than he does. Esperanza, your son is becoming a star in real time.

How do you feel about this? I know, yes. He's becoming a star from a long time ago. Oh, I love that. The crowd is chanting his name, Esperanza. Esperanza, have you seen? the hit show Impractical Jokers before? No.

Oh. Your son's gay. Esperanza. Serious question. And Sal's making a joke here, but we are very curious because Julio is very, very likable. He's a good-looking guy. But we're noticing that he kind of has, you know,

feminine tendencies and some of his quick responses. Like when he doesn't have enough time to think about it, he's kind of, he kind of, yeah, go ahead. He's kind of what? He's kind of feminine, like kind of like, kind of, Kind of gay, you know what I'm saying? D. Yes, I know.

Say Marikon. I know this. Ah, yes. Julio is American. Not American. Maricon. Oh, yeah, he's not American. There's a fine line between American and gay in Spanish.

Marikon. He's American. He is American, yes. He's American. Have you ever been American? He doesn't like to accept him, but has to. What do you got to? I didn't get that.

I try it. I don't want to accept something. Huh? She's saying I don't accept something, that I'm a Marikorn, maybe? Okay. Have you ever seen him with a woman? With many women. Yeah.

Yeah! Perro! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio! Julio!

Esperanza, are you in San Antonio or Puerto Rico? I'm in San Antonio. Wow. You sound very hot. What do you do for work? Are you a... What do you do? Julio has to be like this because me.

That's right. That's right. That's right. I grew up on the spotlight because of her. Wow. Even he looks like me. Oh. You have a little facial hair?

Yes. Esperanza, you're a legend. Thanks for taking the call. What? You don't have nothing to do. No, you're it. That's how crazy the show is, is randomly sometimes we just call people.

Okay. Okay. Tell us the craziest thing about your life before I let you go. You ever have to do anything wild? What do you think makes you special and different than everybody else? I'm special.

What? What? Hello? Yes. What's the craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with another man? No, that's secret. Crazest thing she ever did was make Julio. Yeah.

She's like, there was this one guy he's digging like cauliflower. Ask her about the shootout. You know, by the sound of your voice, Esperanza, before I let you go, you go. You seem like the kind of woman that has seen, like, the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast or something like that. Is that true? Do it. Do it.

Have you seen the Virgin Mary before? Where? Okay, I'm going to let you go, Esperanza. It's past your bedtime. Go get some sleep. Okay. I love you. Thank you. I'll see you soon. Let's just take notice of how boring Chris Miller is as a human being. That we'd rather talk to the last guy's mother than to talk to Chris Miller anymore.

Chris, thanks for coming out here. Here's a little joke book. Julio, stay for another second. Chris, you can go head on back. Chris, sign up again, come back again. Do something a little punchier than one long. than one long story. So, Julio, how, I love it.

You're having the time of your life. You already have called your mom. There's another guy named Julio who was just calling you. Well, by the way, while I was on the phone with your mom. So people know, your family already knows what's going on right now. Oh, that's my son. Oh, you have a son? Junior, I have three boys.

You have three boys? Yeah. This whole time, I spent 17 minutes trying to figure out. Yeah, exactly. I have a whole set of jokes about how I'm black where it counts. About how you're what? I'm black where it counts. Wow, in what way?

You're never gonna guess my age because black don't crack. Okay. Well, you're not that black because you're present in your child's lives. So how old are your three boys? 20, 14, and 12. How old are you?

I'm gonna be 49 in November. Wow. When? 16. I'll be 49 number 6, so we have something to come. Funny, the three of us, 49. Hey, let's party. 49, 49, 49.

Oh, my. Go play Lado tomorrow. Yeah. Look at that. That's incredible. Okay, Julio, one more thing. Tell us something about your life before I let you go yet again that would surprise us about you. When I was a little kid, I was riding in the car with my mom coming home from school,

and there was a car-to-car shootout in Puerto Rico. And I opened the window, like, it was my day to have a gun battle, and I pulled out my toy rifle, and I pointed it at the people. And my mom's like, you're gonna get us killed! And she like sped out of the place, and then stopped by a bridge and did the most gangster thing ever seen her say, seen her dude, like, broke the thing with her knee and threw it over a bridge.

Wow! Esperanza's a bad bitch. I love it. Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio. I'm gonna do something I've never done before. I'm gonna give you a second big joke book to give to Esperanza. How about that? There you go.

And Bringer, next time you come here, bring her, and I'll just give you your next appearance. Next time you have a full minute. Next time you write another minute. Bringer, and we'll interview you guys together, okay? together, okay? I love it. One more time for Julio, everybody.

Julio. Julio. Julio. It's a magical bucket tonight. Anything can happen. Your next bucket pool goes by the name. Ladies and gentlemen of Jordan Yates, everybody. Here comes Jordan Yates.

Damn, Julio was tall as hell. I was so, guys. So, I'm just going to get down to it. I got married this year, and I'm quite frankly lucky. My wife is still with me, you know, because I tried to shave my beard off recently, you know. And she doesn't like the stub. You ladies know about the stub?

Because I went in for a little smooch, and she was like, mm-hmm. It's rough. It's coarse. It's itchy and I hate it. But have y'all ever had to deal with the little lady's stubble before? Come on, fellas. There you go.

You know what I'm talking about? You know when you're trying to visit the roses and you get the thorns? It's like trying to peach through a cheese grater. I'm just down there trying to get some delicious fruit. Meanwhile, my lips are getting the parmesan treatment. I mean, they're like the thursday. I mean, they're like the fucking olive garden waiter, like, say when, baby. By the way, fellas, she always wants more Parmesan.

Come on. Wow. Amazing. Jordan Yates. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Hell yeah.

How long you've been to stand up? About seven years now. Seven years. Where at? I'm from Dallas originally been here in Austin for the last two years. Nice. I love it. You have such a great fucking look and a presence.

Real star power. What do you do for work? Stand up full time since the beginning of the year, so. Amazing. Amazing. How's that going for you? Oh, man. A lot of time in Nebraska, dude.

Yeah. That's where you're big. You're huge in Nebraska. No. Oh. They just like my cowboy hat. Okay. All right.

They're like he's one of us, little man. Tell us what doing stand-up in Nebraska's like. Well, almost got my ass kicked the first time. Because I have this joke about how I'm a bad cowboy. I look like a farmer that exclusively farms soy. Turns out a lot of soy in Nebraska. And a lot of big old boys that farm it. What's your love life?

What's your love life like? You seem like you'd be fun to cuddle with. Oh, yeah, that's what my wife tells me, dude. I got a wife that I'm in love with and she's incredible. Her name's Esther for anybody who needs to know. Wow. Okay. Very nice. Do you have kids? Do I have kids? Not yet, dude.

Are you trying? You pumping her filled with a cowboy come? Man. Digging the spurs in, dude. fucking. All right. I love it. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Any crazy cowboy moves or any? Well, I always start off with the magic mic. First, I hit her with that, um, you know what I'm saying? Wow.

And then most of the time, I'm just, you know, laying there. Yeah, that sounds about right. How did you meet your wife? Uh, Tinder. Oh, shit. Hey, Rosalinda. Her mom, we met at church. You like a Matthew McConaughey wrapped in an action Bronson. Yeah.

That's what I'm going. for it. Amazing. Tell us, do you have any other special skills or talents or anything? Any special? I can clap with one hand. Let's hear it. Wow.

That's a... That sounded like something else, but all right, yeah. What did you do before you got into stand-up? Sales for a long time, dude. I did corporate real estate sales. Yeah, I know. Pretty shitty, no? You sold real estate?

Yeah, I sold office space of all things. office space of all things. Yeah, I know. Were you good at it? Actually, yeah, I paid a lot better than this does. I'm gonna be honest. Tell us, like, give us an example. Pretend like we're here and you're selling us an office space.

Give us an example of what that would sound like. Hey, this is Jordan with Regis. I'm calling a follow up with you about your inquiry on our offices. I saw that you were looking for something in the Dallas area. Tell you what, I think I got a few options, but I want to hear a little bit more

about what you need from the space. Well, you know, I'm looking for like the Wolf of Wall Street right there. I'm looking for something like a, you know, a couple thousand square feet. I don't need much space because I don't want to have to pay for the air conditioning. I know it gets hot up there in Dallas, so, you know, you have anything like that? You have anything small? Yeah, I tell you what, we can definitely hook you up.

When you're saying that you're looking for a couple thousand square feet of space, are you wanting that to be something that you're going to use for your personal use or do you have a team that we need to get set up for? Yeah, yeah, yeah, to all that. y'all don't make me do this anymore please dude but i love the fact that you code switch like that you went from comic cowboy dude and all of a sudden i'm like i'm ready to sign a lease yeah amazing stuff what does your wife do for work uh she works for the state uh she was in the capital for a few years and she now works for a state agency

okay she's a responsible she's doing process improvement pretty much yeah amazing Amazing. What's your, you have an apartment or a house? What do you? Yeah, we live in an apartment off of Riverside out here in Austin. One bedroom? Two bedrooms. I got it like that.

Wow, what do you do with the second bedroom? You have a little vinyl record player in there? Pretty much, yeah. I used to work out of it, but now I just use it to store my boots, I think. How many pairs of boots do you have? Two. Wow. Amazing.

Amazing. Absolutely incredible. You're so likable. Wow. Thank you, man. Good for you. Do you go to church? I used to. I used to be a youth pastor.

Okay, can you give us an example of what some of your pastor skills would look like? Oh, here we go. Here he is. Youth pastor, Chris Miller. Can you sell me on Christ? Hey, everybody. I want you to look into your hearts tonight. And I want you to tell me, have you seen Christ in there recently?

Tell me, is your heart filled with sin? Is it filled with temptation? Yeah. Well, you can be redeemed. Amen. Through the power of Jesus Christ. You can't save. Wow, absolutely incredible.

That's how Samkins. There's like so many lives in one body, you know what I mean? It's like you can go. Offense face, you want to get saved, you want to laugh. Hell yeah. And you eat pussy. Amen, brother. Fuck yeah.

Chris. Good guy. Or I mean, actually, you're not Chris. I'm not. Chris was the other guy. Yeah, fuck that. Jordan. Jordan Yates.

What was your childhood, like, country parents? Actually, well, my dad grew up in Elgin, which is just 30 minutes outside of Austin here. But the rest of my family is from Oak Cliff, which is South Dallas. And then I have a grandmother from France. I've got all sorts of weird things going on. Wow.

And I don't know. You speak French? Yeah. And Spanish also. Whoa. Oh my God. He speaks every language better than Julio. Very fun set.

You're so charismatic and so likable. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Here's a big joke, folks. How fun. How exciting is this? Jordan Yates. Jordan Yates, ladies and gentlemen. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it.

All right, let's do something fun right now. I have yet another special treat for you. Ladies and gentlemen, a Kiltony Hall of Famer. One of the greatest regulars in the show's history wants to come out and do a minute. One of the greatest comedians in our history, one of the best roasters in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for the rare return of the great David Lucas. I've been falling asleep to black noise. It's just being falling asleep to black noise lately. of cops putting handcuffs on niggas, and the occasional smoke detector beep. Football season is here. Yeah. A lot of white guys play fantasy football.

I've realized that fantasy football is virtual slavery for white guys. Because y'all get to pick your favorite nigger. Who runs the fastest? Who jumps the highest? I like that San Juan Barclay. That nigger jumped over somebody backwards last year. 300 years later, we still can't make money off of white man's back.

There's no goddamn fantasy pickleball league. All right, that's my time. Thank you, man. The legend. David. lights out, Lucas. Absolutely doing it again. Incredible, the black noise premise.

All y'all y'all diggers got old black, bro. Virtual slavery. Incredible jokes, David. I like Fluffy. That nigga looked like a character from guess who. Does he have hands? Wait, hold on, hold on. Can you call me the N-word again?

Huh? Can you call me the N-word? you can say it you just got to say it like vinegar what is wrong with this motherfucker back in bro they're very excited to see you they don't think they have many of you around here hey red bet i know what you was talking about back where i'm from they used to call that shit nigger knocking that's what they called it they called it i was trying to wait till i came up to say it but it was called nigger knocking that is true that is what we call it you can only say it so many times in a minute or else youtube flags it so don't say it

Again. You gotta believe it. They have a certain... I'll say vinegar knocking. Again, that's probably the limit. It's robots. They're not really gonna pick up on that VIN so much. Hey, bro, have you seen this shit on the internet?

So the internet found out that Marlow the King was chino, his wife, and they've made a lot of AI out of this... Negro. Vinegar. Have you... It is vinegar. Stop. You gotta say Ven-A-Gai.

Yeah. Bro, they had an episode of Barlow the King on Murray today, bro. That shit was so... Oh, my God. Yeah, this Sora... AI stuff is out of control right now. It is stronger than ever. I see the AI version of you, bro.

Like, manly. That dick was straight. Cheap bones wasn't. so high, you know what I'm saying? This nigga cheekbones, high as hell. Boy, you look like a baby deer in the face. Nick, you're all that. You son of a bitch.

Do you have cheekbones? Are they under there somewhere? I know you got booty cheekbones. Oh, come on. How dare you say I'd be having booty cheekbones? That's true, I do. Sometimes I be making them clap. That's what the kids are saying.

I make my booty cheekbones a clap. Tony, I mean, yes, it's true. Yes, I do. Red band, I do. Yeah, I do. Tony, you skinny, though, bro. I bet when you take your clothes off, your G-string be bagged. How do you know I wear a G-string?

Yeah, yeah. That shit looked like the tampon string hanging out. Oh, my God. You got me good there, Martin Luther Burger King. Holy shit. Oh my God, you are morbidly obese. You're morbidly gay, Nick. Oh, come on.

That's not even a thing. I even know that's a word, but you are morbidly gay. That is incredible. Gabe, what do we think he is, a 3x, 4x on here? Oh, 3x, all right. Fluffy a fat nigga like me, bro? Oh, no. You heard.

That's how black people talk when they try to get they point across. They go to a falsetto voice. Yeah. Like, come on, Bray, you know, I'm going to pay you that money back? What the fuck you're talking about, man? Why you tripping over $200, man? Come on, now.

Six, seven, man. Six, seven? Oh, that's that kid shit. My daughter would be saying that. What do it mean? What do it mean? All right, man. You wouldn't understand.

Rayman, you're the oldest thing. It's a rap lyric. It's a rap lyric. Kids love it. It's weird. It's really stupid. Amazing. My daughter do be saying that shit, bro.

That means she's cool as fuck. Don't be looking at my daughter. Why you be looking at my daughter? What else is going on in life, David? What have you been up to? Man, you know what I'm saying, bro? You know, we got a couple of projects we're working on this shit. Yep.

Me and Tony have something amazing coming to the world. I promise you guys are going to be... Just don't... Hang on Satan. Yeah, stop. Yeah, it's a sex tape. Yes, it is. It is.

I have sex with someone on top of David Lucas. I use him as a temperedic mattress. Purple. Purple, yeah. Look at it out. It's a purple drank mattress. Yeah. You heard a temporepetic.

This is an orthopedic. Oh my goodness. Yeah, bro. But that's it, you know, trying to make moves in the scene. Orchapedic, he said orcapeed. Roasted? Bitch, you look like an invisible friend.

Get your motherfucker up. If you ask your kids what their friend look like, they draw this nigger. You look like an invisible friend is somehow what a Somehow, one of the greatest roast jokes I've ever heard in my life. What does your friend look like? Draw it.

What's his name? Sal Volcano? Oh, my God. That don't even sound like a real name. Like, if your kids told you that shit, you'd be like, oh, yeah, cool, baby. Sal Volcano, yeah, I know him. You been on tour or anything lately?

Yes, sir, I'm on tour right now, bro. I'm all over the world. I got fucking, where I'm back? Asheville, Chicago, West Covina, Buffalo, New York, Rochester, San Diego, pull up on your boy. Wow, look at that. And the Killers and Kill Tony's Tour, man. You know what I'm saying?

It's one of the greatest tours out there right now. People come and they're surprised that we have 20 minutes because they only see us for a minute at a time. Yeah, a lot of the best in the show's history out there, putting on great shows, incredible stuff. Amy and Fluffy found out we both got a love for cars. Yeah, I was about to bring that up. Okay.

Yeah, tell us about it. I got 80, but he got like 70. Really? Wow. I know, right? I don't have a cocaine habit, so I got to spend the money. Wow. That usually gets a laugh.

Anyway. My goodness, that's incredible. He's got some sick cars. You have some sick cars. You have some of the most, you have the biggest collection I think of Volkswagen buses, right? Like, yeah. It's incredible. You guys have been collecting carbs for a long time.

Tony, I know you get a car with a seat warmer, ain't it, bitch? I do. I love my seat warmer. And my steering wheel warmer, too. I have a steering wheel warmer. You got a hole in the middle of the seat. You son of a bitch. I would take you for a ride if you fit in a Corvette, but unfortunately, it's a little too low.

He's been to put me in the bitch seat, you guys out there? I ride, I ride, I ride. Come on, doll. You know I ride in your car, man. Make some noise for the great David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Go catch him on tour. They're crushing. He is so fucking funny.

It's amazing. I love that I got a chance to see him in Vegas. Part of the, you know, the roast and stuff. The roast of rest. Nobody saw. Yeah. Yeah. But he killed it there too.

We had so much fun. So fun. That was a legendary night. So funny. So fun. All right. One last bucket pool. Make some noise for Dom Lamarck.

Everybody, Dom LaMarca. Today's actually a really big day for me. I'm three months clean. Thank you. Thank you. I have been showering. Still on tons of drugs, but I smell like dove now. It's pretty sick.

My job recently fired me. fired me for my punctuality. And I was just like, you know, what does my grammar have to do with any of this? So you guys should be way more worried about the fact I'm late every day. Like, please not this. My job was to roll burritos.

Which was cool, but by the end of every shift, my tongue was so dry. They, like, caught on. That's how I was rolling, too. They're like, what's going on? Why your burritos always have filters? I was like, eh. I've been going on job interviews, though, so that's been cool.

I went on a job interview the yard day. It didn't go well. I walked in, and the first thing the guy says when he sees me, he's like, you seem all of. And it's like, oh, he's like, yeah, man, are you high or tired? I was like, I am both. It's like, but I think if we put them together, I'm hired. Thank you guys so much. Fuck yeah, Dom LaMarca.

Great stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost seven years. Seven years. We're at. I started in Long Island and then I've been out here for like two years. Nice. And what do you actually do for work? I was working at Jersey Mikes and then they fired me. They really did fire you for being late?

No, they didn't really give me a reason actually. I think it was just me fundamentally as a person. Unfortunately, they, there's like, yeah, the owner, the mattress, like the owner said you got to go. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. It's unfortunate. Do you have a new job? I'm working for DoorDash right now.

Okay. I normally don't like to tell you. So you still walk into that Jersey Mikes? Yeah. I do, I do. I pick up orders next to them and I'll walk in and I'll be like, sucks to suck guys. I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I'm freelance now.

It's pretty sick. Dude, I had a DoorDash order last week. I looked at it and it was just for a plan B. Pretty crazy, yeah I was like, holy shit You mean to tell me I deliver So you don't Wow

I love it Hell yeah You're doing it Fuck yeah I love it What else do you do? What do you do for fun? For fun

Play board games I shoot music videos Also for some of the hip hop scene In Austin Wow Yeah You led with board games though What kind of board games

Are we talking about What's your special Dude, I'm sick at exploding kittens. Wow, I've never heard of this game before. What is exploding kittens exactly? It's this game that got like kickstarted a few years ago, and that just blew up into popularity. And it's just basically, if you grab an exploding kitten,

you explode unless you could diffuse it. It's a board game? The more I talk about, the less sense it's going to make the card. It's like there's a card in there. It's like Taco Cat. Like, I'm not going to, yeah, it's a card game. It's Taco Cats. Yeah, the same backwards.

than it is forward. Wow. That's true. See, Redbat knows. Red Ben knows. Wow. That's incredible. So it was Bust the Nut and a Tuna Sub.

What? Hold on. I saw that online. I saw that online the end. No, that's not why I got fired. That's not. Dude, I was making these videos while I was at work there, too. I thought they would have fired me for that and nothing.

Like, yeah. That's what it is. Is it really? Bust a nut and a tuna sub is the same exact thing. Wow, it is? Well, I mean, I just figured out when he said it. The Internet told me that the other day, and they would not lie to me. That's Mike's way.

Well, it would be busa. Bussa, nut. You got to write it down. Yeah, it would be Buss a nut thing. Yeah, that ain't no taco cat. Buss a nut, yeah. It'd be Buss a nut. A little apostrophe over the A-Lay.

Race car is the same backwards. Did you know that? No, I didn't, but I just saw it in my head when you said that. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. You say you shot hip-hop videos? Yeah, yeah.

Anybody that we might know? Matt the dub, he's a comic too. He's been on here before. Other than that, just local dudes. Yeah. No one that you guys would know. People that you will hear of one day. Yeah, if we recognize the rapper from being pulled out of the bucket on this show,

I don't think it's exactly the highest level. I know, dude. I've been telling in Mexican OT's DMs, like, please, man, I live in Texas. in Texas. Just let me shoot one for you. Give me a chance. Hell yeah. You know what I like about you is that you have the stoner vibe, but you're not like too tired or anything.

You have like an inordinate amount of energy for what you're for who you are. I drank a bang before this. Oh, okay. That makes sense. That'll do it. That was my prep for the day. I was like smoke half and drink a bang.

Wow, look at you. We're ready for kill Tony. And you're in tip top shape. Look at that. For those of you watching. Smoke pot and drink a bang. Some people are, like, put on when they come on here and then, like, stoner people, but you seem very authentic with yourself. It's very endearing. That word. It's true.

I cannot believe Sal Volcano. Just said that to me. That's so cool, dude. I'm, like, sincerely, like, I've been watching you for a while. See, you're not invisible. Yeah. That's wild, yeah. It's amazing.

Tell us more about your life. Anything else crazy we should know about you? Oh. And... You're one of the best-looking trans women I've ever seen. That... Yeah. Dominique.

Yeah. I've been asked for... Dude, I used to paint my nails. And, like, I remember when I was doing that. Like, I went to the 7-Eleven I'd been going to my whole life. This guy's known me for 19 years. And he's like, oh, you're a lady now? And I was like, no!

Like, yeah, it was crazy. Hell yeah. Yeah. You know who reminds you of? Remember that? Chris Foley was like, remember? Like, it was like two minutes ago. He was like, that was crazy.

Remember that one time? What's your love life like? It's pretty dry right now, a little hectic, but, yeah. I feel like I have a habit of dating crazy girls. Yeah, what was it like when you dropped off that plan B? Dude, okay, so actually, I was supposed to go in the store and buy it for them, and I got in the store, and they were out of stock. So I had to call him and, like, love him.

Had to go to plan C. Yeah, no, 100%. I was just like, hey, man, like they're out, like you're screwed, but just keep being a city boy. Like, Hoodville for life, man. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, dude.

It sounded like he needed to hear it, honestly. It's like, thank you. Last date you were on. What's that like? What's going on a date with Dom Lamarca, DoorDash, the Duke of DoorDash? What's that like? It's in real life. It's kind of like that date from Half Bake

where he's just trying to spend as little as possible. That's really what it's like. So like the last date you went on, what did you do? What type of thrifty maneuvers did you do? Thrifting. The what? Thrifting. Yeah, you go to the thrift store.

Then you go to Taco Bell. You got like a little pack of cinnamon bun delights after. And then you go to Barton, but on the free side. Hell yeah. Yeah. And did you end up? I figured out, man. Did you end up closing with that girl?

Yeah, yeah. So what did you do? Where did you make a love to her at in your car? No, no. In my apartment that three other dudes also live in. Wow. How many bathrooms in this four dude apartment? We all got our own bathroom.

Whoa. You could do it without them. That's amazing. Yeah, and unfortunately leading on to the trans side of things, mine is the cleanest. Everyone has to use it. I'm the most feminine in the house. Yeah, amazing stuff.

Dom, a fantastic set. I've run out of big joke books, Esperanza. Do we have more? Okay, yeah, they're going to hand you one when you go. Hey, thank you so much. Great stuff, Don't know, very funny. Dom LaMarca, ladies and gentlemen, with this Kill Tony debut, seven years of doing comedy.

And what a show. What an amazing, amazing night. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. And that is with the Hall of Famer with the all-time record for appearances on the show. The record holder for all-time interviews on the show. Some people call him the Prince of the Poppers, the King of Cool, the Vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, in Redbane, I'm confused.

What did you call the game where you ring somebody's doorbell and run away? What did you call it? Amy Schumer has lost 164 pounds. In related news, the United States is experiencing a critical Ozympic shortage. But seriously, the weight loss has increased her mobility, which makes her a lot harder to chase down after she steals. a joke. Okay.

The pharmacist asked if I was taking any other medications. Do four loco suppositories count? Whenever I think about global warming, I think about oceans rising. Like, think about Epstein Island and how over time more and more of it

will get covered up. So we staged that intervention with my buddy and right before it started they mentioned he would get a sponsor and I was like what the hell he gets paid y'all need to intervene my ass okay that's my time thank you william the red ruckus montgomery Tony do you understand what red band was would call the we used to just call it ring and run whoa that's a where on the east coast were you raised New York. Oh, wow.

That's crazy. Yeah, it's incredible. Ring and Run. I've never heard of the racial element. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of Ring and Run. No, no.

It's like popping soda, I think, and Coke. Like people calling it the three different things. I think it's like that. That's a racial thing, too? No, no, no. No, there's no. Depends how you say it. Yeah.

William, I got to acknowledge right off the top. You know, have you ever seen? like when a scruffy dog gets a cute haircut? You got a little haircut, didn't you? Thank you. I had to the last... Do you get a little puppy cut? I got a little puppy cut, Tony.

Up at Petco, PetSmart. You laid down on the table. You laid down on the table. I got a little puppy cut up in Petco PetSmart, Tony. But yeah, no, I had to go to my cousin's wedding back in Memphis this past weekend. Wow. And I hadn't gotten an haircut since December. Wow.

Yeah, so I had to do that. So my parents would be happy to see me. It looks... It's like I get to Memphis and it's wonderful, but it's like we drive back to my parents. I was the first thing I see is where young Dolph got assassinated in front of the cookie store. And I'm like, God, this is scary. The great, legendary young Dolph. I love a huge young Dolph fan.

Yeah, young Dolph. So he got taken out, which is very sad. But yeah, the wedding was very nice. And my parents really liked the haircut. Wow, it is incredible. It's like when a scruffy dog. Why is that funny? Just get sweet.

Yeah. You got a little puppy. Cut. Puppy cut from Petco's PetSmart, Tony. I love it. What else have you been up to this week, William? I'm up to 2 million meters on the row machine. Whoa.

Two fucking million. Two million meters, ladies. Two million on the fucking row machine. I had a horrible cyst on my face, Tony. It looked, I'd have been there over a year and it was starting to stink. Oh, God. Sickening, yeah. Sometimes I'd kiss Gator, my little dog's stomach, and I'd think to myself, would a Gator just step in shit or something? But it was actually my face. So it was sickening.

And then the other day, this past week, some started finally leaking out of it after over a year. And Tony, I got two little pieces of rubbing alcohol wipes, and I got up to the mirror and I push it. And Tony, it was the sickest shit. It literally squirted out of my face and hit the mirror with such force. It splashed onto the mirror. And Tony, it was horrible because I was trying to smell it the whole time, but the alcohol wipes made it so I could only smell the alcohol. Gosh, darn it. But it was sickening.

Wow, that is absolutely. So that was exciting. That was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week, other than my cousin Grace getting married. Wow. That is amazing. Congratulations. Shout out to Grace.

Yeah, shout out to Grace of Wesley. They're in Africa right now. They went to Africa for their honeymoon? Yeah. Wow. they're getting a divorce. Something's going to go wrong there. Check in with our senior African correspondent, John Dees.

Dees, what do you think about white people honeymooning in Africa? They're going to Senegal. No, Senegal? That's a terrible idea. Terrible idea. Well, they're there right now. I don't know.

Yeah. Incredible. Okay. What else have you been up to this week, William? Anything exciting? Anything have you excited about life and inspired in anyone? Yeah, watching the Manning guy totally meltdown because I grew up the giant Florida Gators fan

and just watch fucking Texas go from what? Number one preseason of fucking out of the rankings was pretty sweet, Tony, because I kind of fucking can't stand Texas. Whoa. And the Gators suck right now, and the Gators still beat Texas. So that makes Texas look worse, by the way.

Because Florida sucks right now. But that's how bad Texas is. That's how bad the Manning kid is. He's horrible! Whoa. He's actually a huge fan of the show and a huge fan specifically of yours. Well, he knows I'm kidding right now.

We talk on the phone. He knows I'm kidding. He knows I'm kidding. It's part of our relationship. I'm like, dude, you lost to the Gators. I'm gonna talk shit about your dumb ass. And he's like, dude, don't go too horrible. Don't go too hard.

And I was like, dude. Name some of your favorite football players of all time. Who are some of your favorite football players of all time in the great mind of William Montgomery. Here we go. Favorite football. Hold on. What's Red Band doing? Why was he just

making a silly little face over there? What was that? Making a face? Were you trying to make it so I can't remember fucking football player's names? Is that what you're trying to do? Trying to throw them off? With this kind of stuff? Why are you doing that? You're like a little fucking child, dude. You know, I struggle with these fucking lists.

Tony gets my ass to do sometimes. It's like you're making it that much more difficult. Funny faces. Do you see what I have to deal with, Tony? It's like, that's why I've been struggling with the list. It's like I have to look at his stupid fucking ass. And he looks so much like his mom. And when I'm going to pound town with his fucking mom.

By the way, your mom loves it. I've been on the row machine fucking red band. Name some of your favorite football players, William? Emmett Smith. Okay. You're not that excited about Emmett. Keep naming your very favorite ones. Tim Tebow! That's a big one.

Okay. Yeah, Tim. William, thinking hard to figure out a third football player, ladies and gentlemen. You got this. Julio knows more NFL grade. Julio Jones. Oh. Great wide receiver for Bama.

You got this, William. Do one where you're not that excited about it so the horn players can do that funny thing where they just kind of trickle away, sadly. Tom Brady. Wow. Okay, name one more that you're really excited about. Who do you think the greatest?

football player of all time is William. They're probably watching right now. A lot of people yelling out OJ in the audience. There's a lot of people yelling out a lot of names William is William why don't you just name some of your favorite types of candy or something instead. I didn't realize that I know that you would stall out like this. What's your favorite kind of candy, William? Starbursts right now probably. Wow. Okay. What else? Uh, chocolate. No, no, all Eminemes are chocolate, peanut butter eminemes. Okay. I mean, what's your favorite candy? What kind of candy really gets you excited? Peanut butter stickers toad!

Wow, William Montgomery. Thank you, Don. She's There he goes, William O'Connor. This episode brought to you by Nick Talk, Space, and Quo. Salvolcano Comedy.com for tickets, the Chicago Theater, the Beacon Theater in New York, the Ryman Theater in Nashville, and his new podcast coming this fall is called Manouche. Keep your eyes open for that. The great Sal Volcano.

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it is unbelievably cool. Gabriel Inglacius is on tour, Fluffy Guy. He's fucking killing it. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. I'm so grateful you guys came. Thank you so much. Always a good time.

So much, goddamn fun. Keeping on that merch. Hell yeah. Keep an eye on that merch. I want some of that black label, Tapatio. Thank you to everybody and everything. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Red band.

Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com secret show every Thursday. Yep. And I'm going to the Maverick Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a couple other cool places. Kind of taking it easy for the rest of the year, but Tony Hinchcliff.com. Still a few tickets available for New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas, a huge annual event. This year we're at the Moody Center for the first time ever. Big upgrade from our dear friends from the HEP Center.

We love you guys. Thank you so much, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you. Thank you. You're going to be. Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. Thank you. I'm not a lawyer. And neither am I, but this is The Debrief, a podcast where we catch you up on the latest legal drama, whether it's a real housewife caught in a lawsuit, a reality scandal making headlines, or a trial the whole country is talking about. We break it down in plain English with facts, commentary, and even reactions from our audience. No law degree required.

Just your love for pop culture, courtroom tea, and a little bit of drama. So join me, Melanie, aka I'm not a lawyer, but. And me, Gooseberg, your host, bringing you all the courtroom chaos. So grab a drink, settle in, and join us every single Friday for The Debrief. Available now on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcast.