KILL TONY - #746 - ADAM RAY + IAN EDWARDS

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

Adam Ray, Ian Edwards, Dedrick Flynn, Ari Matti, William Montgomery,Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED–11/17/2025 Secure your online data TODAY by visiting https://expressvpn.com/killtony Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE: https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killed. time. for Tony! It's great!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Yeah! Yee! Yee! Who! Brian Rippin, ladies and Renzhan!

And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? Raoul the land. Fernando Castillo, Carlos, Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, John Dees, and that is D. Madness on the bass guitar. This is Keltony, brought to you by Blue Chew and Quo. You guys are ready for a great night? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. When you're flying Emirates business class, enjoying a good night's rest in your live flat seat, you'll see that your vacation isn't really over until your flight is over.

Fly Emirates, fly better. On December 12, Disney Plus invites you to go behind the scenes with Taylor Swift in an exclusive six-episode docu-series. I wanted to give something to the fans that they didn't expect. The only thing left is to close the book. The End of an Era. And Don't Miss Taylor Swift, The Era's Tour,

The Final Show, featuring for the first time the Tortured Poets Department. December 12th, only on Disney Plus. Is bedtime a nightmare? If you fear the chance of accidental leakage and skin irritation, you need to try tennis-sensitive care overnight pads. Its skin comfort formula acts as a barrier to help protect your skin. Try them now, and have a smooth night.

She's wide awake in her whiskey hole. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Here we go. This is it. Every single week, I have two of the best guests on planet Earth, two of the best comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special one. Both returning guests, one of them,

a returning guest of the year, a multi-layer guest of the year, Hall of Famer, with another one of my favorite comedy store comics, of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. You're here for a special episode. This is Adam Ray and Ian Edwards. Adam Ray. Live in the flesh. Ian Edwards, let's go. It's all happening, people.

Ian Edwards' new special Untitled is now on YouTube under Ian Edwards' stand-up. You must check it out. Ian is a legend. Comedy store super regular. And, uh, I mean, him and I've been doing the thing goddamn forever. The old, the old, uh, and the new book, well, the old bookers of the comedy store used to have us side by side all the time. 1015, 1030, 1045, 11, 9, 45, 10. So we are brothers in this. Welcome back. Ian. Make sure you check out a special. A pleasure. My pleasure. What can I say? This guy reminds me of Dr. Phil.

He reminds me of Elaine. He reminds me of Jeremy. He reminds me of me. Of me. This is the Hall of Fame guest of the year, Adam Ray. Absolute royalty around these parts. Indeed. Perhaps unargued.

one of the greatest guests of all time. Love the show. Thanks for the intro. Got in today, shaved red bands back an hour before the show, and just fired up to be here, man. What a night. It is going down. The Who Is Me Theater Tour? Adam Ray's first giant theater tour, January through April.

Get tickets at Adamraycom. And the final ever, they say, even though I think I've heard this a couple times, the last ever, Dr. Phil Live, is happening. December 16th, that's a real way to do it. You're like Floyd Mayweather Jr. You're like, this is my last fight. Yeah. You're going to have to get the...

It's like the McRibb. Yeah. Yeah, the McRib's never coming back after this. You're going to be putting on that fucking bald cap for the rest of your life, dude. I'm probably going to die in it, yeah. Yeah, this will be the last one for a bit. Until you call, Colin.

Until what? Until you come Colin. We'll do one more year. That's right. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Why about one more time for Adam Ray and Ann Edwards? Two of the best guests to ever do it.

And so they know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this show. You know how it works. Their time is up. You hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Hell yes. How exciting.

I'm going to let this gentleman with a drawn-on hairline up, like the first name of the night. I didn't want to say anything. Hell yeah, this guy's so up. This guy's got a sharpie of a haircut. Welcome, sir. He looks dangerous. He looks like he has a stabable weapon in his pocket. It's going to be fun.

While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to start it off. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner, Martin Phillips, everybody. And like that, the show has begun. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Blue Chew and Quote. Hey, what's up? Okay, cool.

I was in Vegas. When people play poker, everyone has their tell. My tell is when I accidentally drop on my car. and go, don't look. Nobody looked at the timeout, okay? Come on, get me. And the thing is, I brought my own gun to the roulette table. You know, I really need to be 21.

Okay. When I used to work in middle school, I would get a lot of advice. from their little school girls and one of them told me she said if you like someone you should find out where they live and let them know

and I said Martha I'm not doing that again I can't go back Martin Phillips getting us started with the baton Is that true, Martin? Do you play poker sometimes? No, I suck.

We went to, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I was just building chips down. Like, yeah, let's see what happened. They don't have rules on the table, okay? Just for dumb people. Okay. Ian Edwards, thank you.

I would love to play poker with you. I don't even. even play, but this will be the first time I win. Beginners' luck. Have you played craps before? Oh, of course, baby. I knew the answer to that. I just wanted to see him do that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

What's your favorite game in Vegas? What do you tend to do when you're there? Slots. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's that supposed to be? Yeah, what is that supposed to mean? Martin. Is that true about the, what is the, what is the, what did you, the middle school thing? Oh, yeah, yeah, there's me, every day she would ask me, oh, Mr. Phillips, do you have a girlfriend yet? And I was always like, shut the fuck up. That's none of your business. And it's his, her boyfriend, she said, she had a boyfriend, but he went to a different

Yeah, I was like, bitch, I heard that before. You made that shit up, right? How's your current love life going? You're a big superstar now, I mean, you're easily recognizable from your face and your walk. I have a very distinct figure, you know. Yeah. It's hard to hide, you know, yeah, yeah.

You have a lot of fan girls coming up to you, try not. Not too many, nothing crazy, yeah. It's never the ones you want, you know, so, you know, okay, you know, you know, so, you can you describe what those look like? Yeah. Just for there. I think you could have, you, you know, okay, okay, I didn't say that, come on. But I mean, you must get lucky sometimes, right? I was once in the blue, you know, you know, I'm a little key, baby, you know.

And keep it, keep it out in the deal, dude. I don't want my stuff out there, you know. Let's chill, you know. That's, let's, keep it real. I love it. Where do you get a shirt like that from? Where exactly do you get a shirt? I knew.

If I stare at that. I do. Yeah, bring out the shirt. If I stare at that long enough, will I see a shirt? sailboat or something? Like, what exactly is going on there? It's got principal on a safari vibes. But it's nice. It fits.

It's a cool shirt. Yeah. We're literally, though. I'm genuinely curious. I do every few months. I do this thing called a stitch fix where they send me clothes.

And I go, I have my own stylist. They send me clothes. I go through and I go, oh, this is nice. Oh, maybe. And that's my secret. You're doing a commercial for Stitch Fix. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Promocode. Yeah, yeah. People have been asking for you to do me, so. Oh, Kill Toll? Yeah. Or just, are you talking outside? People want me to fuck? Wait, what do you mean by?

I got to read the comments. Wait, so, Jacquist, how out is you on? You were in between the lines. Wow. Well, if I am going to go gay, we'll be with a cripple. That was my high school yearbook quote. Oh, sick. Anything else crazy happening in life nowadays, Mark?

You know, I'm... Fuck you guys. I'm thinking, okay, I'm thinking, okay? I think, I think out loud. It's the noise when he's processing. He's like old internet dial-up. You said you didn't do impressions. Come on, that's the only one I do.

Somebody just did you. Yeah. So what else is going on, Martin? I don't know, I'm always somewhere traveling. I'm all over if the place come see me and you're nearest down. Hell yeah. Come check it out. You're a superstar.

I guess. You know, I don't know how this is going to work, but I haven't sent multiple videos by people. You ate sand at multiple theaters by people? Why would you eat sand at theaters by people? You knew what I said. No, I don't. I really don't. Can you repeat it?

Okay, okay, okay. I get sent multiple videos from people. And sometimes it's like another cripple guy that looks like me. But sometimes I get this. This has been sent more than once. It's like frequency healing, where you have like a frequency thing, and if you put it to me,

I just shake all the way out. And so I bought it. You broke. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. It's time for the frequency thing and Martin. Philips, he can't get it out of the bag.

And so, we hit this. Uh-huh. And apparently put it to me. You'll shake everything out. And I'm, you know, super, super mad. Do you want to do it? Let's do it. Let's heal Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen.

With the right vibration, anything is possible. Here goes Adam Ray. always active panelist. It's not gonna give it to us, right? Ian Edward. Just before, let's cover all the bases. I don't want all of us leaving here. You don't know if the frequency waves are going to go, you know.

But I have no idea how it works, but... For what I've seen. That way. Okay. Hold on. Put it up to the microphone. Put it up, put it up to the microphone, Adam. Here we go.

Oh, he looks calm. Whoa, he stopped shaking. Whoa. Oh. Oh. Wow. Is it working? Oh my god, you seem still.

Right, right. No more eating sand outside of theaters for you. Wait, okay. Do it and then touch me with it. Yeah. I thought you'd never ask. Oh, right. Boom.

You feel better? You feel better? I think, I don't know. This is quite the science experiment. This is great. I was told I wouldn't be doing this on tonight's episode. That's a good start. It's a good start.

Make sure you put the little fancy cover back on it or else it might get damaged or something. We have to keep that tuner in tip-top shape. Yeah. It's very important. How's everybody feel? Yeah. Hell, yeah. Normal? All right.

How do you feel? You feel... I feel like if you just take off your glasses, you'll be straight. You're like the most handsome, cerebral palsy person. You've been... He really is. I've never asked a handicapped person for their skin regimen before. A natural baby.

He's all genetics. I don't know. I don't know if we've ever... It went both ways, but I got the skin part. I don't know if we've ever seen you take your glasses off. Can you look out there and take your glasses off real quick? By the way. Oh, a little disclaimer in coming here.

Go ahead. Let's go to say these are new glasses. Oh. You sort of my liberal cuck glass. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Wow.

My God. Unbelievable. Getting bitches. Oh, wow. Martin, you've done it again. You got the show started for us. It's not easy opening this show, and you did it yet again. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, Martin Phillips.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting as we make the switch over to the big bucket of destiny here. Some of these people are completely insane. Some of them are the next greatest talent in all of comedy, waiting to be discovered. Some people sign up once they get up. Some people have been signing up for months and months with no luck. Anything can happen.

You're watching it all live. Your first bucket pool of the night is John Cheney with an uninterrupted minute. John Cheney, here we go. In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman when I was in the military. I said keep your friends close, and enemies closer. Can't get any closer than inside of them.

That didn't pay off in Iraq so much. Let's see, what else we want to talk about tonight? I'm nervous as hell you. I did bad on this last time a few years ago. I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but let's just put it this way. My ex, but she was a cross-breed of dogs, she'd be a mix of a doxswain and a pit bull. Nobody? Nobody? A weiner pit?

Nobody? Nobody got that? Okay. Speaking of kids, I got three of them. When my oldest was four, a long time ago, he's in college now, but for Halloween, I dressed him up as a suicide bomber. Because what's scary you're knocking on your door? The 15th Spider-Man of the evening, or a four-year-old Pakistani kid in a man-dress and a suicide vest,

that instead of saying, trick-or-treats yelling, a la snack bar! a la la snack bar there at the end from john cheney it's a good punchline you have three kids john yes i do and it appears as though you have triplets on the way as well at least i love it you were on this show a few years ago you said yeah and it didn't go good well the interview went will okay a big joke what did we talk about in the interview your Pakistani ex-wife no not really i would look a little bit but uh are you still with her Oh. Okay. That didn't last. How long did that last?

12 years. 12 Bainville years. Okay. But, no, we talked about me seeing a, watching a guy fuck a goat. That was the highlight of it. You saw a guy fuck a goat? Yeah, in Iraq. Oh, okay. The bad guy. The bad guy's fucked. It wasn't an American soldier. No. Right. I hope not.

Yeah. That'd be weird. So what's been going on since then, John? How old are you? I am 43. How long have you been doing stand-up? this is like my fourth or fifth time fourth or fifth time ever on stage and you were on years ago a few years ago yeah

I was living in northwest Tennessee in the middle of nowhere I just spent the last two years trying to sell my house so I could move here I had to go to court to get permission to move my daughter with me okay made to happen

and moved here this past Saturday congratulations look at you John Chaney moved to Austin all right John hell yeah Ian I think you're funny you're just nervous

You're shaking more than the first guest. Yeah, it is true. It is true. That's bad. That's bad. You are very nervous right now. Very nervous, yeah. You watch the show regularly?

Yes. And you're in it right now. Of course. So now you're in the interview portion. Right. What do you think you didn't tell us last time you were on that we would find interesting in the interview portion this time? You've had years to think about it. Let's see.

I don't know if they'll find it interesting. Talk right into the tip of that way. I spent some time in where you're from, Youngstown. What were you doing in Youngstown? You know, the Lincoln Place. Yeah? Yep, I was there for a while. What were you doing at Lincoln Place?

Just got put in there by the court. Wait, what is Lincoln Place? That was that... I thought it was like a shopping mall, but now... No, no, no, it was at Rehabilitation Center for kids, teens. Why were you put there? The courts put me there. They put you in a rehabilitation center

for teens. Yes. So when you were a teen this happened. Yeah, I was 17th time. Okay. God, that means. I was a wrong way. All right. I'm like, what have you done in the last few years, John? You've had time to... Well, I got sent to a teen rehabilitation center. That would be fun. I bet it would be, you creepozoid. Look at this guy. Killed him, kids.

You sure you weren't the guy who fucked the goat? Not that night. Not that, that. You said you're 43, right? Yes. I'm 43. Okay. You look like my dad. Yeah. Yeah. What? Two trips to Iraq will do that to you. Yeah, for sure.

Okay. So, yeah, just life is weathered, weathered down. Yeah, three kids, bad marriage, yeah. Dude, enough said. Destroy you. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

You're like Burke Kreischer if he was called the sleep apnea machine. That checks out. Definitely checks out. That was funny. You look like, you look like, you look like bird of all of his potatoes were full. loaded. All right. John, what are you doing for work nowadays?

Retired military. Retired military. And tell us, what else did you see in Iraq? Tell us what it's like being an American hero. And by that, I mean the sandwich. Not a hero. It's boring most of the time. Yeah.

It's not action every day. Right. What exactly did you do in the military? I was artillery. Okay. You ever shoot anybody? Well, I mean, we shoot at people. It's artillery.

Kind of shooting the general direction and trying to take out like... It's trying to talk to me like I'm an asshole. What'd you do, miss, motherfucker? Shot at people. I fucking sucked. We don't choose where we shoot. They tell us where to shoot

and we just shoot that general direction. Well, you're shaking like this when you were shooting. Yeah. Sometimes. No wonder the war took this long. You missed. Yeah. I was, we talked about it last time I was a drill sergeant also.

Oh, okay. I wasn't always like this. I looked like I ate myself. That's a good point. You do look like you ate yourself, John. Are your kids big, too, normal? Not at all. Healthy kids.

Very, very much. All straight-A students, nerds. It's weird. I don't know where they're big. What's so, do they seem Pakistani? My oldest does. The other two, not so much. My daughter tans really well, though.

Wow. Oh, all right. So they're 50. You see how everybody was trying to decide how they felt about that? No. They're 50-50, you and Pakistanis, so that makes them snack packs. Am I correct? Sure.

All right, John. Well, fun times. Welcome back. You're getting there. You got a little joke book last time, I'm guessing, right? Oh, big. You got a big one? Yep.

Well, this time you're getting a medium one. I was in the giving mode last time, John. John Cheney. Oh, my God. This guy was fighting for our country over soon. It's many years ago. Oh, okay. There he goes.

How about a hand for John Cheney? Just moved here this week. That's what I'm talking about. Some of these people sign up for a year straight they don't get on. Oh, my God. There she is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Her show Love on the Line is at Heidiregina.com.

When the weather cools down, Golden Nugget Online Casino turns up the heat. This winter, make any moment golden and play thousands of games like her new slot, Wolf It Up, and all the fan-favorid Huff and Puff games. Whether you're curled up on the couch or taking five between snow shovels, play winner's hottest collection of slots, from brand new games to the classics you know and love. You can also pull up your favorite table games like blackjack, roulette, and craps, or go for even more excitement with our library of live dealer games. Download the Golden Nugget Online Casino app,

and you've got everything you need to layer on the fun this winter. In partnership with Golden Nugget Online Casino. Gambling problem call ConX Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600. 19 and over, physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See Golden Nuggetcasino.com for details. Please play responsibly. Get no frills delivered.

Shop the same in-store prices online and enjoy unlimited delivery with PC Express Pass. Get your first year for 250 a month. Learn more at pceexpress.ca. Your second bucket pool is ready. This looks like a new name. Let's see if it is. Make some noise from Michael Heinz, everyone.

We're going to meet Michael all together. I want to be the strong silent type like John Wayne, but I'm really more of a fat gay clown like John Wayne Gasey. I'm polyamorous, just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else. The two things taking jobs in this country are AI and Ola. I think marriage is a lot like hitting women

if you think you would never do it you probably just haven't met the right girl my opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't unless it's mine because I'm just really not ready to be a dad yet so you know same as every guy Do you guys know why Jesus is in such good shape?

He's the original crossfitter? A lot of quick jokes. There you go, Michael Hines. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back, Michael. Thank you very much. How did that feel compared to last time?

Last time went pretty well, too, Tony. You're doing good, Michael. Thank you. Hell yeah. Remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up? Just over two and a half years. Two and a half years. What do you do for work?

I'm a realtor's assistant, open houses and stuff. Wow. Put on a nice shirt. Okay, Adam Ray. You look like you're going to shoot up a bass pro shop. Yeah, it does. That is exactly what he looks like. I think I have a concussion right now.

How did you get a concussion? On the way over to sign up for Kill Tony on Frontage Road, I got rear-ended by a guy going like 50 miles. an hour. Whoa. I also got rear-ended by a guy today. Okay. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you?

Take a guest, Tony. No, I'm going to let you just say it. Welcome back to America's most racist game show. Yeah, I... Take a guest, Tony. Yeah. No way. I just ask the great questions, and that leaves you with the responsibility to be the racist.

Hey, man, that's not my fault. it's on that guy. He's not doing a good job. I'm going to ask you again. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you, Michael? The world wants to know. He was white. I'm not, I'm staying out of this one. Michael, answer the fucking question, you idiot. He was Mexican, Tony. There you go. We know this. No, I didn't know that, Michael. It could have been Asian, too. Let me ask you this. He wouldn't have run. Okay. Did the... Wow. Wow. Where's Martin's fucking tranquilizer thing?

Did he run? He rear-ended you and then took off? Well, he apologized first, and then he got out of that. He got out of his car, apologized. He rolled his window down. I got out of my car. And he said, my bad bro, and whipped out of that. Wow.

Damn. Was your car damaged? Fuck yeah, it's damaged. He was going 50 miles an hour. How do you know it was exactly 50? You keep saying 50. Well, I think he was going faster than the speed limit

and the speed limit's 40. It's a guess, God damn. Ian Edwards? I think the guy's here he just didn't want to miss Kill Tony. Yeah. Yeah, he may have signed up well. We're going to find out later.

He's going to be like, Yay, I rear-ended a guy I had to get here. It's been a crazy day. I rear-ended some bitch-ass nerd before I got here. Interesting. Interesting.

What? What kind of car was he driving? Red Band wants to know. Some silver, shitty, 19-something, 1990-something. I don't know. I don't know cars, Tony. Do I sound like I know cars to you?

I don't know. You just Rain Man Guest a miles per hour three times. I think you have some idea. Fair enough. Your jokes are really funny. Thank you. Yeah, very funny, Michael. What else is going on in life?

Tell us more about your private personal life. We want to know. You know, I've just been trying to lose. weight, Tony. I'm a pretty big fat pig right now. Well, again, compared to the last guy, you're a fucking... Well, I don't want to be compared to the last guy, Tony.

Okay, Michael. How have you been trying to lose weight? Just working out and stuff, but my knees are pretty shot from the Marine Corps, so I used to, like, run and do hard shit, but now I'm a big pussy, and my knees hurt, so... You were in the Marine Corps? Yes, sir. What's up with all these fat

veterans coming into those? Jesus Christ. Did you fuck a goat? A goat, no. I just fucked ugly girls domestically. I didn't go abroad. He's doing it, Michael Heinz. Tell us about your time in the military.

What'd you do over there? Thank you for your service. It was a tremendous waste of time. Right after boot camp, the pandemic happened. So I ended up spending... I went on to my next training schools. There was a six-week water survival school, and I was there for 14 months

because the base was just shut down because the command was a bunch of gay liberals. They hated Ronda Santos, so they were like, if you leave the base, you're going to get sick, and we just weren't allowed to train for 14... We did a lot of cleaning, running the beach. It was kind of nice. But a big waste of time.

Wow. Is that how you hurt your knees? Yeah. Log runs and crawling up hills and other bullshit that we didn't need to do. Yeah, it did kind of fuck me up. Well, we were trying to get you guys shrunk, but you kept eating all the gushers.

Joe Biden, that's right. This guy was 95 pounds before he got out of the military. Running on the sandy beaches of Florida. What an unbelievable hero you are, Michael. Thank you guys. I appreciate it. Tell us about your real personal life before we get you out of here. What's your love life like right now, Michael? You seem like a real fucking creep.

I got laid like three weeks ago. Girls don't really like me for more than a day or two, so it's more of a one-and-done kind of deal. Okay. And they're not that good-looking either, so I'm not bragging. Right. It's just what it is. Welcome to another episode of The Girl.

I hook up with aren't good looking, starring everyone. So this girl three weeks ago, where'd you meet her at? At a show, at the Narbar comedy. Wow, okay. So what exactly happened? She came up to you after your set? Yeah, she was a, you know, she was actually not that bad looking as far as for me goes.

She probably could have lose 10 pounds, but who's talking? She was a beautiful Latina, Tony, down by the border. Uh-huh. And I raw dogged her. Okay. It was pretty cool. Wow. Where did this take place at?

You took her back to your place? Oh, hell yeah, Tony. I don't got no roommates. And then, so what happens? You walk her in. What do you do? Do you offer her a drink or something? Take us through the exact order of events at your home.

What's it like getting raw dogged by Michael Hines? Here. I'm getting worried that the world wants to know. Can I be the girl? Yeah. All right. So let's set the scene. I'm the girl.

Okay. Give me some romantic music, guys. Wow, Michael, this is such a cool, I guess, apartment. Is that what you call it? Yes, I do. What? Yes, I do call it an apartment. Oh.

Remember earlier at the restaurant when you said you can't eat your food all the way if I'm going to fuck you because you don't want to fart? I do remember saying that. By the way, By the way, you crushed at the Narbar comedy show. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm going to finish that burger, and then I'm going to plow you.

Okay, but don't record me like you did the whole Uber right over here. Well, you gave me your consent on camera, so we're good with that, you know? Yeah, but only after you gave me that pill. Which was my plan B that I dropped, so it's on me. Perfect, yeah. Where do you want to go, by the way? Like, do you have a bedroom or just this futon? Well, I do have a bedroom with a mattress on the floor.

What a weird way to say you have a bed. The girl acknowledges the unframed posters on the wall. Oh, my God. I didn't know there was a Goonies 2. Where the fuck did you get that? You must mean business. Oh, yeah. He tries to distract her

from the Goonies 2 poster. Girl, let's get real loud and wake up my downstairs neighbor. She's a bitch. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't like that type of language unless you're fucking... Actually, you do.

Oh, okay. Am I being practical jokers right now? So... You said you had something to drink. What sort of beverages are in your fridge, Mike? Hill Country Farm, Diet Root Beer. Wow. Someone's trying to lose 10 pounds.

Ooh, that's just my favorite type of Hillcrest soda. It's a guilty pleasure. You're a guilty pleasure. Can I ask you a personal question, Mike? Okay. Do you have any condoms? No. I knew that.

I knew that by the poster next to the Goonoo's poster that says, I rod-dog everything. So, I guess I'll take my pants off. You better. Whoa. But in a loving, an affectionate way, after consent. Very good. Cover your bases.

Good job, Michael. Boy, I guess I'll lay down because it looks like your knees are in pretty bad shape. Yeah. You're going to have to get on top and do most of this, to be honest, because a lot of me's in really bad shape. I hope my food. doesn't bother you. I'm a lick that fooper girl.

Bring it over here. Wow. All right. This is out of control. This party's crazy. I don't know how long... What do you say after you finish? Thank you.

Wow. Great. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Heinz. Only on Netflix can you see something like Michael Heinz raw-dogging a Latina fan from Narbar.

Do you mind if my black friend watches? Girl, I thought we both knew he was. I left halfway through. It's the worst porn I ever heard in my life. So did you ever spend the night, or did she leave that night? I ubered her out of there, Tony. Wow, Michael. Uber X?

No, I don't know. I can't afford that. The cheapest one. That is Uber X. Very good. Yeah, I guess so. You gave her a lift? Yeah, I got her out of there, Tony.

It was over. All right, Michael. You got a big joke book last time you were on? Yes, sir. You still have it? I do, but it's all full. Is it filled up? Yeah. Is it really filled?

Yeah, it's full. All right, then you get a new one. There you go. Wow. Still not a cot joke book tonight. How exciting is that? Good job, dude. Thank you, gentlemen.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Big Stew, everybody. time for a minute from Big Stew. Oh shit. What'd it do? Comedy Mother shit. My name is Big Stu. I've been using this Duolingo app, right? Trying to communicate better with my coworkers. And I just found out they don't even teach you

the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from like Spain. So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're going to sound like a fucking dork. And they're not going to tell you either. It's going to be like, oh, how comeo estates, and they're just going to be like, be in, but in parentheses, they're going to be like, this guy's a piece of shit.

But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learn English on Duolingo, would he come to America all like, oh, it's Tuesday, isn't it? My name's Big Stu. What'd it do? Hell, yeah. Filling in the last five seconds of time there perfectly with a catchphrase that nobody needed. Big Stu.

Is this your first time on the show? I did this show in 2019. Okay. Wow. So how long you've been on stand-up total? Total? Oh, man. Maybe a year and a half.

Well, that was six years ago. So... Yeah. How could you be doing... I'm talking about all of them, if you add them all together, because I would do it for a couple months, quit for a couple years. Why do you quit for a couple years every couple months? It's just hard to stay motivated in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Is that where you still live? No, I moved here a while ago. How long is a while ago? Almost two years. Almost two years ago. So you've been doing it a year and a half, but you were on in 2019, and you moved here two years ago because it's hard to do in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but you've only been doing it a year and a half.

I mean, all together, like the... You keep saying all together, but... I mean, if you count... I did it for a couple months in 2015, a couple months in 2019, and I've been going consistent since March of this year. Okay, all right. Why do you think you lose motivation so often, Big Stu? By the way, you have Big in your name,

and you're the smallest guy that's been on this show tonight, just to like, you know? Well, I was, like, 40 pounds heavier in January. Okay. How'd you lose the weight? the last four comedians want to know. And red band. Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise.

Have you tried Hill Country Dyer Root Beer? No, I haven't. No, I will. So Big Stew, what got you motivated? What gets you motivated? You're clearly, easily unmotivated. How do you stay motivated? Move to Austin.

That helped. Uh-huh. Other than that. Other than that. Now that you're here. sometimes I'll take acid and get really motivated to do shit okay big steal what do you do for a living

right now I work at a place called build a sign what is that I make flags and tablecloths oh okay what kind of flags are you made a lot of trans flags mostly a lot of businesses people but you know for their business have you made a trans flag I've made a few look at that see They've been looking this whole time

Yeah, I've been looking for one I can't find one anywhere Okay, Big Stu Give us some fun facts about your life Do you have any special skills or talents That might surprise us? I can kick myself on the head Oh, absolutely. Put the mic in the mic stand

We definitely need to see this It's starting to all make sense Ladies and gentlemen That is how you end up on Oh my God Oh my God, it counts That is not how I expected that to go. That was a true sidekick to the head,

direct to the forehead. I kind of thought your foot was going to go up high, but no, you leaned your head down and kind of just sidekick yourself. I think we could all do that, by the way, just none of us would ever do that. How many want to see Red Band try that right now? Come on, Red Band, you can do it.

He's here to make, kill Tony. history right now. We once saw him try to suck his own day. Oh, he used his hand. Oh, shit. Red band. Red band coming about three and a half feet away from his head on the first ride. The physical limitations are incredible.

I was in the way. We're getting old, buddy We're getting old He's like, I could do that I heard three discs pop out of his spinal cords That was like watching your kid jump off the high dive And just flailing to the bottom Oh my God

Your belly hurts now? Oh my God I pulled my belly button He pulled his belly button Ladies and gentlemen Not everybody can be the physical anomaly That Big Stu is over here Guy's been kicking himself in his

how long you've been kicking yourself in the head for, Big Stu? We're learning a lot about how you ended up like this. As long as I can remember. Wow. And like the family has you do it. Hey, Big Stu, show him your trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

Wow, that's a big thing in Tulsa, Oklahoma. You could have been mayor with a trick like that. Yeah, yeah. What's the biggest crowd you've done that for? This one? Yeah. Yeah, before that. How about before this? you know what I'm not going to make you think that hard about it

did I ask you what you do for work yeah yeah I make flags and that's right you make flags what's the craziest flag or sign you've ever had to make in which you're like god damn we really have to do this somebody had a flag it was like Super Mario Brothers but it said something about ketamine very good very quick on those Mario. You got that Mario board figured out.

You kind of look like Andrew Santino if he quit comedy to manage a Little Caesars. Yeah, it is true. Yeah. Do you ever get that? Like, who do you get, like, with the beard and stuff? Like, you have, like, a 90s movie character look, right? You don't get that? Like, he worked at a video store or something?

No, I don't think so. I don't know a lot of that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Porn? Yeah. What's your love life like? I gotta know. You seem like the kind of guy that would make love to a tree in the woods or something like that. I'm not dating anybody, but back home and also I've got a few reliable booty calls that keeps me saying. Ooh, we. A few reliable booty calls. So, like, the last booty call you had, like, can you walk us through that? What's that, like, what's it, like, hanging out with a guy like Big Stew?

Hey, baby. Well, those are crickets for no reason. No, it's a frog. Okay. There's a frog in your house. Go ahead, Big Stu. Just a hotel and a little bit of tequila. Wow.

That's all. Why do you get a hotel? Take us through the thought process of getting a hotel. You didn't like your place in Tulsa? Not the kind of place. No, I mean, it's whenever I go back to Tulsa, I get a hotel. For the hookers? For the hookers, yep.

So you hook up with hookers? No, no, not hookers. Okay. How about here in Austin? Have you hooked up with a girl? girl in Austin since you got here in March. Okay, so, like, where did you find that girl at? It was whenever I was living across the street and working as a door guy.

So, kind of... Where were you a door guy at? I was a door guy at Peckerheads and Burnside. This is all here on 6th Street. So, how did this happen with the girl? Let me guess. You did a show at Narbar. And the thick Latina comes up to you, because clearly she will fuck anything. Yeah.

No, I had seen her around a few times and then one of my off days, I had cocaine, and I asked her if she wanted some. Only if you kick yourself in the head. Yeah. Was it a thick Latina? No. Oh, he's a white girl.

Black. Whoa! I would not have expected that big stew. You look like a racist. No, no, quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. Is that your, that's your style? That's your flavor?

I do like black. What do you love about black? What do you prefer, why do you prefer black women over whites? Take us through it. Take us through the process. It tastes like honey. Ooh. Damn.

All right. Look at that. We'll be right, black. Ian Edwards, what do you think about this analysis that black women taste like honey? It's not the worst thing that's been said about black women But the fact that it's coming from a guy named Big Stu But so you like black women I do

Is it because you're like a redhead and you feel like You've been rejected by your own kind No no I'm just asking Redheads like me too Redheads like you too Yeah How often do you even see a redhead? I don't know.

Every once a week. Wow. Amazing. I didn't know they'd be out here like that. So just like, for example, this black woman that you met, how did that happen? You offered her cocaine, and then what happens? And then we went upstairs to my apartment. You went upstairs.

So she was just downstairs outside of your apartment building. Well, yeah, it's 6th Street. Oh, you live on 6th Street. The apartment is on 6th Street across the street. Was it one of the homeless women? No. And so you take her up to your place? Let's reenact it.

Adam Ray is now a black woman. Yeah. Big stew. Mm-hmm. That's the right lighting here, Kina. Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I don't know Big Stu is gonna have... I don't know Big Stu is gonna have such a big room. She acknowledges the unframed poster on the wall. Oh shit, Jurassic Park Nine! I thought they all meant four of them motherfuckers. You got some cocaine, Big Stu? I do, yeah.

I know you do. I saw you hiding that shit in your shoe at Knobbaugh. I got you. Yeah. Well, busted out, play. Let's do it. Let me do bump off your titty. Ooh. Say what? You bump off your titty.

Bumb up my titty? Yeah. All right. Let me take my Eddie Bauer jacket off. All right. Yeah. Which titty you want to do? I had a surgery, so the left one's small than the right one.

Which one do you point in? Which one do you point in? Be definitive, motherfucker. This side. Huh? This is the one on this side. As your roommate, I'm leaving. That's fine.

That's fine. We your motherfucker staring on my tities. All right, Big Stu. Go ahead and do that bum, baby. No, you can stay right there. Oh, shit. All right, fuck it. Fuck it.

Oh, shit. Wow. Oh shit. I think he gave the nipple a little kiss there. Yeah. There was no need for you to gna on my actual titty. But now that we're here. Yeah.

You want to turn those lines down bits too? Maybe show me something bigger than just your name? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I got you. Why are you so intimidated? Why are you so intimidated? You got cocaine. Oh shit, I thought you left. Nah.

I decided to stick around. While you here, you might go over and you make me a sandwich. I saw some bread and meat on the... Next to the kitchen. All right, I got you. Thanks, baby. Big Stu, what do you say after you finish with a black woman? Why are you still here?

Wow. Wow, unbelievable. Man, that post-nut clarity kicks in hard for Big Stew. And did she spend the night, or did you get her a car? I passed out drunk, and when she woke up, she was gone. Wow, amazing. You nailed it, Big Stu. Good job. You check her house to make sure everything was there still, or?

Does he look like he got something to steal? There's nothing worth stealing. Yeah, exactly. All I walked out with was a game boy. some Werther's originals. D. Madness is going to find that woman right now. Man, if this guy could get pussy, then I'll

definitely fuck this bitch, too. All right. Big stew. All right. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Good job. There you go. What if the truth about our reality has been hidden in plain sight? What if aliens, consciousness,

and ancient spiritual wisdom are all connected. I'm Rob, and this is Unveiled, a podcast that dives headfirst into the biggest mysteries of our time. Each episode, I sit down with thought leaders, insiders, experiences, and visionaries to explore the unknown, from the UAP phenomenon and government cover-ups to alien abductions, remote viewing, and the metaphysics of consciousness. This is not your average UFO podcast. Unveiled is about peeling back the layers of reality, of belief, of ourselves. So if you're ready to challenge the mainstream narrative, expand your mind, and discover what lies beyond the veil. Hit follow and join me on this journey into the unknown.

We have a friend here, ladies and gentlemen, who's going to do a minute. A good friend of the show from the comedy store, one of our old pals just swinging into town, so we're giving them a minute, and we love them. It's a good friend of ours for many years, a friend of everyone, and a cool comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Taylor Boss, everybody. I used to be addicted to drugs, but then I got off of them because I found a woman. And I could tell she really wasn't a heroin kind of gal.

She was classy. Growing up, though, my parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot. Because my brother, you would eat his, like a real nerd, who would take it forever. Just little piece by little piece. What a fucking nerd.

Then there's how I would eat my fruit by the foot. Now, let me know if you would eat it the same way, okay? What I would do, I would open up the package, just take the whole thing out immediately. Anybody else? Take the whole thing out immediately? That rolled up to a little ball. Yeah, rolled up to a little ball. Parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction

because with my fruit by the foot, I would take the whole thing out. I'd roll it up to a little ball. I'd put it on a spoon and melt it down. that I would inject it in my last remaining good vein. I was 10. Anybody else? Thank you. Taylor, boss.

Hell yeah. Melting down your fruit roll. Welcome, Taylor. How's life going? Great. Tony, thank you very much. I've been out here for about almost a week. Yeah.

Been having fun. Tell us about it. What can someone expect their first week? A lot of walk. A lot of eating. I ate too much. I almost Terry Blacked in my pants. Yeah.

A lot of eating. Yes. Yes. We do that around here. Right, Red Band? Duh. Red band's recovering from a torn belly button. It's fucking hurts.

It doesn't really hurt. Yeah, I really did pull. And we were just talking about pulling shit because we're getting old. Like, I really did pull. Taylor, it's good to see you doing comedy. Like, you know, before, when we used to know Taylor in L.A., you weren't really doing comedy much. Not at the time, no.

I mean, I've been doing it for a while. I've been doing for, like, 17 years. But in the middle, I took, like, five years off to do hard drugs and paint pictures. Yes, he is one of the great painters. You can recognize his art all over. Oh, Chris Rogers. Rogan Studio, and you've seen it in the background of Rogan Studio and other places. What else is going on, Taylor?

Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know about you. 13 years ago, I got admitted to the mental hospital against my will. Nice. Yeah. Why? I was using my room as my studio and I was accidentally huffing paint 24 hours a day. I was having grandiose thoughts.

I was telling people that I'm God. And in fact, Tony, I'm not God. Oh, I know. Because I am God. No, I'm kidding. I've been huffing Sharpies for 12 and a half. anyway what was the mental hospital like Taylor

it was a little bit weird they like put you in with like the craziest person just to kind of like scare you a little bit you know see how bad you want it then after I started scaring the shit out of that guy

they put me into actually the first activity was Pictionary and I don't know if anybody here's ever played Mental Hospital Pictionary before. Not a lot of participation. It's just me and this guy, Peter. I just met him.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, what I didn't know about Peter is he's been in the mental hospital for a year and a half. He's memorized all the picturenery cards. So we put on a show nobody in that room will ever forget. It was crazy. Then they had us do karaoke.

And then I tried to escape. I only made it to the parking lot. Then they put me back in a room. and this time my room did not have any windows in it. Ah. Yeah, but I was in there for about a month. Yeah, did they give you medication? They did, yeah, terrible.

How did that make you feel? Terrible. Yeah, I got off of it when I got out. I kept a journal so I didn't kill myself. There you go. Yeah. Look at that. Thank you.

Yeah, somebody clapping for not killing myself. Or journaling. Thanks, man. Adam Ray. Taylor's hilarious. I've known you for a while. He's open for me a few times recently. and crushed it, once in Hermosa Beach, once in San Diego, ripped it.

What's really cool is, and I guess this goes for most of the people you see that come through shows like this or anywhere is just how much he's been grinding, and it's always cool to be in a position to throw some bones to somebody, and he crushed it both times, and it was awesome. Thank you. Yeah, hilarious. And you were hilarious just now, so you're getting more comfy in your own skin, which is really cool to see.

Yeah, and I'd just like to second that, this motherfucker's funniest shit. Like when I used to see him not doing comedy I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Get back on stage. And I also own some of his art. He does. He owns a couple pieces of my heart. And I was a little disappointed that he didn't die

so the value of it would go up. Yeah, the value skyrockets when they die. But I like him alive. I'll take the loss on the art. Tell people so they can find your work. Where can they find your art? Just on Instagram. Taylor Boss, 1S.

BOS. Correct. That is right. Taylor, you had a great set. Fun times. Taylor Boss, ladies and gentlemen. Love you, bud. Here's a fruit by the foot. We have an actual fruit by the foot somehow.

I was just handed this. You got it. Go melt it down. Eat it out of a spoon. There goes Taylor Boss. Check out his art. He is unbelievable. All right.

Back to the bucket. We go. This looks like a fun new name. Make some noise for Mohamed You All. Mohammed You All is next on Kill Tony. Lord and Savior, Joe Rogan, you got in trouble for saying . I don't have a problem with people who can afford to go to space.

I don't have a problem with them saying . If you can exit the Earth's atmosphere, you can say... If you can exit the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere, exosphere, ionosphere, you can say a nigger. You're in a nigger sphere, nobody cares. I've been kissing sleeping homeless people on the forehead. It's my way of giving it back. Guys, next time you see a sleeping...

Go ahead. I want to know how this sounds. Next time you see a sleeping homeless person, tuck them in. Mohamed, you all, making his kill-tony debut. I mean, wow, I got to tell you, we are going to be bleeping those N-words. YouTube has a rule. We figured out all the modern rules, even though they're always changing with YouTube. We had the actual executives here a few weeks ago, and we asked them every question possible. There's a limit to how many times.

Even a black person can say the N-word. And I asked, what if they're really black? Like, what if they're, like, darker than people? here black, can they say the N word? And they said, no, you have to bleep it. And somehow, and I know because you are that guy, that we are going to

have to bleep four times. So if you guys were wondering what he was saying during those bleeps, it was the N word. And it has proven Ian Edwards who looks like milk chocolate compared to him. This is like watching 50 shades of black

over here. Yo, this is the first time I've ever been light-skinned in my life. And I appreciate it. He's white to me. Oh, I know, I know. It is incredible. Even D. Madness is like,

Hey, that's what I see. You're the only guy D. Madness has ever seen before. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck? That's my kind of motherfucker. I had to come back out so that I can see that shit. Muhammad, tell us what life is like being quite that shade. I mean, I mean, when you see a police officer, do you just lay on the ground and fucking automatically? Like, what's the situation here exactly? Can you call me the outline of a chalk black dude? That's incredibly racist. No. I don't know, bro.

Okay. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up, Muhammad? Ten years. Ten years. We're at? Iowa and Austin. Iowa.

Wow. You must have really stood out in Iowa. Holy shit. Is that where you're born and raised? I was born in when Sudan was a whole Sudan, so Khartoum's Now it's south and north.

Okay. Yeah. How old were you when you moved to America? 10, 10 years old. Okay, 10 years old. All right, 10, 10. Perfect. And what was it like acclimating in Iowa?

That was the first place you moved to? I didn't come out. I moved here in December 2004. And I didn't come out for a month because it was snowing in Iowa. Oh, shit. I was terrified of the snow. Yeah. Well.

Yep. Ian? He's coming from war-torn sedan. I was like, fuck this snow. I can't imagine the contrast when you walked out in the snow for the first time. I can't even imagine. So, Muhammad, what do you do for work?

I work at Target. You work at Target? Yeah. Oh my goodness, what do you do at Target exactly? I do, you know those sampling cards? Yeah. Yeah, I do samples at Target. Holy shit.

Yeah. Wow. That looks like Adam Ray's wheels are turning here. Oh, yeah. Big sample guy. You are? What are you pushing on the people? It could be, it's anything that you can, like, buy a Target, basically.

Right. What's kind of like the hot item that really people go bananas for? Why do you have to say bananas, like... Why'd you say that? Yeah, why didn't, that's racist. Hey, Adam over here. Hey, what are people going ape shit about nowadays? I knew I should have done a character.

I can't trust myself. Listen, no, you know what I meant. Bonkers. Crazy. What do they go? What do they, nah, nan, nan, what do they fucking, what do you bring out and people, you know, what was the food that uh last week i had uh fucking uh peppermint chocolate yeah okay yeah

what's your love life like mohammed it's terrible tell us about that that doesn't seem to make any sense you're a handsome guy well uh i moved out here to do comedy and uh i had a girlfriend in iowa uh and then that was over with so you miss her yeah i do i do i do You do. I do miss one. And how long have you been in Austin? Two years. Two years.

Have you talked to her at all? No, no. No. Was she sad when you left? Yeah, I was supposed to get married. She was, yeah. Really? Tell us about that.

Like, you proposed? I didn't propose, but, uh, I was, was it arranged? No, well. My mom does, he has a, my mom has a, a couple of girls arranged from me, but no, the girl that I liked here, she did stand-up. She did stand-up?

Yeah. Does she still do it? I don't know. Wow, you really just don't even... Right. Is she Sudanese? You'd be shocked about the answer. You'd shock you. Asian girl. She's a white woman.

Wow. That is correct. Over under... Over under 170 pounds. Under under 170 pounds Under 170 pounds Now I'm actually shocked That's amazing

And you Have you been with anyone in Austin? No no no I haven't I have a CD Oh what is it Genital wards Wow Amazing

Tell us about that Do you remember when you got that I caught it in Cairo Egypt in a balcony Wow Let's cut to a clip Yeah. They don't have it. So where in Cairo, did you find a balcony to hook up with a woman that had genital?

I was 10 years old. She was 16. Wait, you were 10? Yeah. Oh, my God. How did you know what you were doing at 10 years old? I don't know. It just felt right?

Yeah, it felt right. You're like, I'm going to put this there. Yeah. Holy shit, man. That's crazy. Wow, so do you just have those all the time? Is that a thing that just stays? You have it your whole life.

You can't get rid of it, but you can get rid of the symptoms, but it always stays with you. Am I just to the STD class? No, this is great. We find out what's different about everybody here. This is amazing. Did you bring this up during the Target interview? This feels like a pretty personal...

No, no. No, yeah. Wow. So basically, I mean, what does that mean? You just have to use a condom all the time. Yeah, basically, yeah. All right. Is it a couple, or is there just like one big, gross one?

That's a good question. Red Band wants an actual description. There's three, the big three. You're like, wart remover on it, or have you tried any, like, home TikTok remedies for? Red Band, that's enough. Put down the microphone. Again, what were you doing in Cairo? exactly I'm kind of confused here

so in 2004 the Sudanese government was they were killing a lot of people just randomly or was there a specific reason or type of people it was in South Sudan where they had resources where the

government would hire rebels to go to like remote villages and like kill the population and get the resources and my mom wanted to get the fuck out of there. What were the resources?

Like blood diamonds or something? Is that right? It's very funny, guys. No, I'm genuinely curious. It's very funny. That's just oil. Oh, okay. Yeah.

All right. So my mom decided to get the fuck out of there, and we seek refuge through the United Nations. That a refugee program where if you're in a war-torn area, they'll rescue you and take you to a better place. better places. So she applied, and then we moved to Cairo, Egypt. I lived there for four years,

then I came here. Right. Amazing. And they shipped you to one of the safest places in the world, Iowa. That had to be a culture shock for you at 10, right? Yes, yes. A whole different situation.

All white people around you, basically? I mean, I lived around white people my whole life in Egypt. They have a lot of Chinese people in Egypt. It's a fun fight. Oh, okay. All right. General Soes meet genital warts.

That's how that goes. You see, that's a Chinese genital warts show. Figure that one out. General Fah. I love it. Muhammad, do you have any special skills or talents other than comedy? I'm double-jointed.

Can you show us a trick? Wow. Oh, my God. The Exorcista. Anyone could do that. Yeah, no, do not. Oh, man, I pulled my shoulder blades. Muhammad, I like your style.

Congratulations. Thank you for signing up. Come back again. Let's do it again. There he is. Muhammad, you all. Ladies and gentlemen. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have what I think is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. And he's only been on for a few weeks. I think he is the future and the present. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. God, I love this shit.

Honestly, Texas, I owe y'all apology. I was shitting on y'all wicked online for a long time and in public. It wasn't my fault. This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people. Because I'm from Atlanta, I don't have the time. You know what I'm saying? To count all the black people.

And then I was on the, then as soon as I got killed Tony, I was like, oh shit, nigga, y'all got great sunsets. Uh, y'all, this is the most booming city in the world, right? It's, it's, hey, ask me my favorite comedian. Who's your favorite? Tony Hinchcliff. Uh, that's, Tony Hinchfield, my motherfucking favorite comedian.

I love being out here now. I just needed to, because the problem was, I was on the bus most of the time, so I never got to see the beauty because they, y'all put the homeless on the bus, And I know where they stop at, and it's near where I live. But the beautiful, because this is what happened. One day I was walking up here, the first time I wanted to sign up, me and my friends was walking,

and he asked all of my friends for money. And then when he got to me, he was like, keep your head up. But now that I got killed Tony Regular when I ride in my girlfriend car, because I ain't got that much money yet, we just stopped over here, and the dude went to go clean the window, and then when she was, She tried to give her money. He said, no, you got something good on your hands. All right, he's going to be somebody.

Thank y'all so much. I'm Detrick Flynn. Fuck, yeah, Detrick Flynn. I love it. Is that truly you rode the bus in Austin? Yeah, all the time. I didn't even know that was a thing. I guess I kind of see buses, but.

You got a walk, like, where I got a walk, it's like a two-mile walk around the interstate, and then you get on the bus. Like, there's no, like, real bus lines, like, no one anywhere. They don't really go through downtown. I don't really ever see them. Well, that's because you got money, Tony. I see them all the time.

I'm like, oh, there's an 801. I was on there. Even when I'm driving around in my luxury automobile, I don't see buses very often. That shit don't come up on your camera. I love it. Dedric, how's life going? Your episode came out.

You're officially killed Tony famous. Tell us how your life is. It's changed. Dude, everything's changed. You know how, like, when you get a new haircut and you got a errands, you know what I'm saying? Like, niggas got to see I'm cute. Like, that's how I feel right now.

I got new shoes and shit, my shit popping. I've been taking longer shits in public. Oh, wow. Niggas got to see these shit. Sometimes I don't even take a shit. I just put the lid down, and then I scream, so that way when he come outside, he's like, hey, yo, some nigga with heat on his shoes

is dropping logs right now. right now. That's amazing. That's an amazing way to show off nice new shoes. Sometimes I just slide my foot in their stall, you know? That was you? Yeah, isn't it? Them shit is hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew I recognized them. I was going to ask you what you got them from. That is awesome. Other than new shoes, what else? You're financially secure now for the first. cure now for the first time in a long. Yeah, man, this shit is crazy.

My phone on. I don't need to Wi-Fi no more. Actually, I get to go home this week to do Killers to Kill Tony at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, which is one of my dream venues. Dad's going to be... Actually, I just get to go home. I don't even know how I feel all the way yet, because I haven't been home.

I haven't seen my mom. I haven't seen my brothers. I haven't seen my sister. I haven't seen, like, all of my friends that have been there since day one. All I know is, like, the phone calls, but, like, I haven't got, like, the hugs from it. So it's, it's... I'm probably going to come back of fucking monster and crying all the fucking time. I can't wait to cry for two weeks straight. I love it.

I love it. Ian Edwards. This is beautiful, man. How does it feel to be robable? Uh-huh. Even Fiona chiming in on that one. We got a different frame. You bald and, like...

You look like five cigarettes put together, or Black and Miles. I just, I'm not very robable. The homas don't even look me in the eyes. Like I told you, they give me respect off rip. They know I got a gun. Tony know I got a gun. He said I can bring it in now I'm a regular. It's true.

All regulars are allowed to have guns. That's why William has four attached to him at all times. I love it. Dedrick, dead trick. Adam Rang. Yeah, it was really moving the moment when you got the regular spot. I told you that before I saw you. But what did you do after that, I guess?

Like, it was, how do you ride that high? Man, I had so many people. Like, it's just, because the people that were waiting at Shakespeare's, they all heard my name call. So my phone was, like, blowing up. And then after I got the regular, I ran out of here with Jay Legend, bags and boxes, Jay Legend,

you were singing because he was going crazy when I got called. So we're crying, walking back to the Shakespeare's, and all I did was scream at the top of my lungs. I got motherfucking regular bitch! And then the whole crowd went crazy. it was fucking sick as fuck and then I've just been I don't know

like in a, I'm not even in a driver's seat right now everybody, everything's happening that I wanted to happen. All I'm saying is follow your fucking dreams. All right, follow your fucking dreams. Never doubt about it. He's right, dude. No, you're right because not even, it must have been four years ago I saw you on the street and I kissed you on the forehead

and tucked you into your sleeping bag and like so now to be here no, it's a callback, but no. I don't want to take away from your statement but you're exactly right, dude. You said 39 times until you got called up, right? Yeah, 39 times. That's wild, dude.

It is what's possible. He went from 39 times signing up to not, with nothing, to getting on, to opening for Joe Rogan two days later, to doing the Fox Theater three weeks later. And he's going to be in the arena. Yes, open for Ron White. Going to be at the arena here on New Year's Eve. Come on! You got to get ready to be ready, right? Huh?

So you got to get ready to be ready. Yeah, that's it. And he's been ready. He is hilarious. We've seen his longer sets. They are incredible. Find him, follow them. Ladies and gentlemen,

Dedrick Flynn. The Dark Storm Atlanta has arrived. And on to the next one we go. I got to tell you, this name looks amazing. And I hope it is anything like what it seems to be. No doubt the first time for this bucket pool. Let's see if...

if the carpets match the drapes with this one. Make some noise. For Stevie One Leg Wonder. Stevie One Leg Wonder. Okay, indeed. It is Stevie One Leg Wonder. Hey, Austin. I did a 23 in me the other day.

And I found out I'm Chinese. Yeah, I'm from vagina. Yeah. Hold it up to your mouth. My bad. I didn't realize. Oh, no, I just lost my train of thought. I was outside last Monday, I signed up,

and I was looking at the homeless guy in the street. He had a vacuum cleaner, and he was running back and forth on the line. I was just like, wow, Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. It's super awesome. What do you guys call a black guy that flies a plane? Call him a pilot, you fucking racist.

That's all I was prepared for. There you go. Stevie, one-leg wonder. Welcome to the show, Stevie. How are you? Nervous? You're good. You're doing just fine, Stevie. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my first time. I just moved to Austin,

weeks ago. Your first time ever doing stand-up. First time. Wow. How old are you? 40 years old. 40. And what made you want to start now? I wanted to start since I was 13. And I went and fucked around at 16 and had kids and more kids until I was 21. Got a divorce and ended up raising three kids by myself. How old are the kids? 18, 20, and 22. Wow, you did it. You raise three grown kids. That's amazing. No felonies. All driver's licenses.

No felonies. All driver's licenses. Amazing. Clean records. Amazing. So, okay, let's jump right into it, shall we? Or not jump, if you're you. How did you lose the leg, Stevie?

Which story do you want to hear? Because I tell like 150 different stories. Can you tell the truth? For you, Tony, I will tell the truth. truth because it's an honor to be here perfect let's hear okay so I was I was working up in Denver we were loading a pipe for a sign that was going up on I-70 and it just went wrong and I was on the bad end of it got crushed by it taking to the hospital two weeks later they decided to cut my leg off damn oh wow thanks red band how old were you when that happened

That was almost four years ago. Oh, okay. So that was recent. Yes. Take us through it. What are some things we'd be surprised by fun facts about having one leg? You get to tell a lot of one leg jokes. Uh-huh.

You get a leg up on the competition. Yeah. You put your best foot forward. Yeah. You know, all that. Yeah. I mean, it's good to have one leg. Yeah.

Ian Edwards. I mean, this is bad, but can you kick yourself in the head? You don't even know. No, you don't even know. He could beat himself in the head with that fucking thing. Oh, my God. Wow. What are the fucking odds?

What are the odds? And he didn't tear his belly button. Cheater. Absolutely incredible. Wow. I don't know what it says about me, but I was genuinely, like, very excited when he did that. Yeah. Like, I don't think I've ever seen it.

Did you unscrew part of it to better? I just got to tickle my knee and then it works. Amazing. Just tickle it with this button right here. Wow. Whoa. I just got this. This is a new leg.

It was, I think it's about four or five weeks old. Wow. Little baby legs. Sure. And virgin. Where'd it come from? The store. Is there a lake store?

Where do you get a new lake from? Amazon or what do we do? Evergreen prosthetics in North Carolina. Mahamman wasn't giving out leg samples at Target? No. All right. Stevie, what do you do for fun? You know, I don't know.

Since I lost my leg, I haven't gone out much. What did you used to do for fun? Everything, dirt bikes, motorcycles, boats, camping, all kinds of stuff. You could still do. those things, right? You just haven't tried? Yeah, but I got white boy money, so I don't have boats no more. What do you mean white boy money?

I'm broke. Is that white boy money? I think that you mixed it up or something. Yeah. My bad. Okay. So, you still with the baby mama?

No, absolutely not. I was married for seven years, and out of that, we were together two. Wow. And then, what the divorce cost you, arm and a leg? Just a leg. I was really good at negotiating. Amazing.

Okay. So what's dating like? Here and there. I get around. You do? Sometimes I get in my wheelchair. It goes faster. You have a wheelchair?

No, I got rid of it before I move. moved here. Right. Yeah. Okay. But how long have you lived here? Thursday will be two weeks. Got it.

Two weeks. So you haven't been on a date or met a girl or anything here yet? Nope. Okay. Ian? It's just funny because the blind guy feels so bad for him. Yeah, he is. Demands is doing his scoffing thing.

Damn, that's cold. Yeah. Four years ago, shit. Are there any specs on that? like when you ordered it like can it do like you did the thing well yeah i mean yes and no it's more of the accessories i can put below the knee versus versus uh anything else i can put the running leg on here it's just like a big spring it looks like looks like blade runner you know like but i don't run if there's a bear i guess i'll fight it well there's no bears here in awesome where were you

up before this uh raleigh north carolina right how did how's austin different Raleigh. Tell us about it. It's got a cleaner downtown. Yeah. I was actually surprised. I've watched the show a lot, and I've seen all the comments of the homeless population down here. And I was thinking Denver, you know, like Denver's gross. You can't even walk down there.

It's true. And people talk about the homeless population. It's really two or three blocks of homeless people. Yeah, but the food shelters, right? They're all cool, you know. Yeah. They just wander around circles. There's a lot of liberals here in Austin.

I can tell you lean to the rest. Right. How does it... All right. You said you've been here two weeks? Yes, sir. How long do you think it'll take you to land on your feet? I don't know. The plane's been canceled. Well, Stevie, keep...

Yep, Adam, go ahead. I just want to ask you. You said do your kids, like, know you do comedy? Are they, like, supportive? Are they, like, supportive? Well, my youngest daughter was supposed to move out, and that's why I decided to move to Austin. And she didn't because some shit happened.

But I asked her to come with me tonight, and she's like, I don't want to. So she's supportive of me being here, but she just doesn't want to be here. Yeah. She said, Dad, I'm 18. I don't want to go hang out in a bar or watch drunk people get drunk. So. That makes sense. All right, I'm going to take a sip.

That checks out. She's not wrong. That's a respectable answer. For my daughter. Thanks. Stevie, congratulations. I'm going to give you a big joke book, buddy. I like your style.

This is amazing. Fill it up, work it out. First time ever. You're living your dreams. Stevie One Leg Wonder has made his debut here on Kill Tony. Come back, sign up again. Break a leg. Go do memes.

What does that mean, Red Band? Yeah, they can't. What do you mean? His big joke is. Oh. Oh, look who it is. The very common. Controversial.

Polly Shore. Is it okay? If it's okay if I give you a hug, bro. I'm so sorry about it. We don't need to hug. We don't need to, we don't, we really, we don't, okay. All right, if you insist. There he is.

Pauly Shore. Coming up a very, a very polarizing episode of Kill Tony with Roseanne Barr. I thought we banned him. In which somehow he was the wild one. I just wanted to come out here in front of your whole audience. I know my audience is different than your audience. Very different. And I just, I was on,

thank you for having me on your show a couple months ago or whatever it was, but I was going through a lot of, going through a lot of stuff, and I've been taking some meds, and I said that I got banned. Whoa! Look who it is!

The Silver Goat of Kill Tony Universe, Brian Holtsman has arrived. No, let me finish my apology so I can get accepted back here with the Kill Tony Can't. You cock sucker. Please. Polly, let Brian talk for a second.

Let's see what holds some men's to say. I'm taking care of watching over him. I'm kind of his minder. And I'm sorry about this. I turned around. I had to use the bathroom. And he ran up here. I just want to say, I lied.

I lied. And I never got banned from his show. And I was just saying that because I was on meds, but I'm okay now. Okay, Polly. So thank you. I love you guys. I apologize.

He's in good hands, his new caretaker, Brian Holtzman. Wow, what a moment. A double character cameo by the great... How about one more time for Polly Shore and Brian Holtzman? Brian, Brian, Brian, you have any... Why don't you do it, do it, do it... Paulie, don't do anything. Just be part of this set, Paulie.

No, Paulie, Paulie is going through some rough times now with the controversy that took place, and they kind of want to, this family wants me to keep an eye on him, you know, and I hate everybody, too. So I just got back from New Orleans. and my asshole is still sore. And we had a good time and everybody's happy about that and I'm happy about that and everybody's excited about that.

And I wasn't expected to be up here. So I don't have any canned anything to say, but I will tell you there's a lot of retards at the airport. I tell you that. I mean, you're in the airport. Can anybody get on this plane? without help? Is there anybody

that can get on the fucking plane without help? Families traveling with children that need extra time get on the plane you're retarded family

of poor. There's no steps on the jetway. Just get on the fucking plane. Well, yeah. It should be a separate airline

for retards and handicapped people that can't get on the fucking play. Retarded air. Paint a big wheelchair on the tail. I don't know. This plane goes down? Nobody cares.

You mean, we can get rid of this van with the workbench on the back? You mean, we can get this boat dock off the front of the house? The front of the house is just a lot. skateboard park why would you put the ramp in front of the house you want to let everybody know you got to somebody not doing well in the house

put the ramp in the back of the house I don't want the whole fucking neighborhood to know I'm fucking somebody who can't fuck back Brian Holtzman ladies and gentlemen one of the greatest ever in the Kiltzoney universe. About one more time for Pauley Shore

and Brian Holtzman, everybody. What a crazy world we have around here. Where Pauley and Holtzman just comes stumbling in. Back to the bucket we go, everybody. Who knows the next Pauly Shore or Brian Holtzman could be this bucket pull. Anything can happen. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for Owen Gowell.

O'N Gallivan, everybody. Owen Gallivan. I'm a first-generation American, you guys. Both of my parents are from Ireland, but my grandma, she's from like a small island off the west coast of Ireland, with like 40 people on it. Didn't really dawn on me till I visited there last summer,

that that just makes me inbred as fuck, you guys. Who are they having sex with? No, I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am. I can never complain about being short again. It's a miracle that I can do math. Guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island. My family tree is just a wreath. I don't even have ancestors.

I just have incestors. Since I've come to this realization, though, I have been blaming a lot of my flaws on being inbred. That's been fun. People tell me I talk too loud. I'm like, dude, you're lucky I'm not screaming wheels on the bus right now. That's my time, thank you. Owen Gallivan.

This is your first time on the show, right, Owen? No, I've been on a few times. Oh, okay. When was the last time? A year ago or so. A while ago, it was that crazy rapid fire bucket pull episode. No interview. yeah oh okay where we found uh martin phillips or i mean erin belial what was that that was that was

no i don't know it was uh it was here it was bad perfect gotcha owen so you had a rough set last time not great okay well welcome back seems to be getting better for you owen congratulations you've been working hard at this i have yeah how long you've been doing stand up uh about six years six years what do you do for work uh i'm an engineer ooh what kind of engineer uh mechanical by degree but right now I work as an industrial engineer. You're making good money? Pretty good. You live by yourself?

I do. Nice. One bedroom? Yeah, one bedroom. Hell yeah. What's in your refrigerator right now that would surprise us? Right now, I actually just went grocery shopping yesterday, so right now it's kind of full. Got a bunch of chicken broccoli alfredo I made yesterday.

Not too bad. And some lamb chops I'm thinking about making maybe tomorrow. Wow, you're going to broil those? How are you going to prepare the lamb? Are you going to bake the lamb chops? If I'm going to be honest, I'm going to look up on YouTube. how to cook them and just do what YouTube tells me. Amazing. Amazing.

Okay. Oh, and what's your love life like? You know, it's relatively normal. I was dating a girl for a little while this year. We broke up a couple months ago. And since then, no real dates. Why did you break up a couple months ago? I broke up with her. She was real nice, but it just wasn't, you know, it.

And I figured break it off now. When you say it wasn't it, what exactly was she missing? It was just a feeling thing, you know what I mean? Couldn't feel it like deep down, you know what I'm saying? Hmm. Hmm. All right. She didn't feel related to you.

Yeah. Amazing. Owen, you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? Nothing I haven't done before on here. Last time I did a dumb-ass cricket noise and that got fucking... Let's hear the cricket noise. A red band.

I mean, he's literally doing a cricket noise, so if you hit the sound effect, that's insane. A lot of pressure here. Here he goes, with his cricket noise. No, I can't do it. It's too much pressure. I'm sorry. I choked, I choked.

Can't do it. Tried it. Try it as hard as I can. Try it one more time. I'll try one more. Okay, here we go, with his cricket noise. Can't do it. Trust me, it is good when I'm not in front of 200 people staring at me.

It's all right. Okay. All right, Owen. I see why I dismissed you very quickly last time. Yeah. All right. Okay, you're leaving with a medium, very black. Awesome.

Jokebook. It's a medium black. There you go. Owen Gallivan. We're going to keep it moving here. Some of these people, they really struggle at the interview part of the show. It's very interesting. It's tough, right?

It's tough. Tougher than you think to just talk about yourself, but... For some, yeah. For some, yeah. Yeah, I'd really try to help these people, but... Yeah, you ask good questions. I do my best. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl, you still having fun out there?

All right. Make some noise for Sebastian Santa Maria. Sebastian Santa Maria. Yo, yo, how's it going, Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So, on the... believable this is happening. So, lately, I've been having some crazy urges.

And, I mean, I guess everybody has urges. And mine have been at night, you know. And it's honestly been like whether I'm going to jerk off or not. And whatever I jerk off, man, I have terrible fucking dreams. I think about, you know, like, well, I dream about, you know, like getting stabbed and bleeding out. His Trex apartment. He's, like, stabbing me. It's absolutely horrible.

And then if I don't, if I don't jerk off, it's just, you know, I have epic dreams, dude. I'm like smashing Fiona. It's awesome, dude. It's awesome. And I'm not talking about the skinny bitch. I'm talking about, you know, like green, hot, like swampy puss, Fiona, dude. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Hell yeah.

I know you like that shit, dog. So, you know, and I wake up at 3 in the morning. I'm absolutely bricked up. And what do I do? I jerk off. Terrible idea. Because guess what happens, dude? I'm back with Trek,

and he knows that I just smashed his fiancé or his wife, depending on what movie. Jesus Christ, Almighty. Sebastian, Santa Maria. What the fuck was that? Oh, God, man. Holy shit, Sebastian. Donnie, don't do that to me, man.

How long you've been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for the love of sport for the past, like, six to wait. months, you know, I don't really have a handle or anything like that. You don't have a what? I like to do. You don't have a what? A handle. Like, you know, like, IG. I thought you made like a handle of the craft.

Yeah, a handle of the craft. I think on that second turn of the night, dude, I'm going to have a good handle of Shrek, you know? Yeah. I always love a good, it's one of my favorite things. I think I even did it too, like starting out in comedy. Every new comic does it when, like, they do a joke, and it's

maybe not what they thought they wanted to say or how it was supposed to go, and they go, This guy knows what I'm talking about. Like, you suck this guy into your Shrek swamp pussy joke, and he was like, I do know. I'm sorry, I don't. But I'm saying I do because I don't want you to kill yourself. Yeah.

I can see West Texas when I see it, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sebastian. Yes, sir. How old are you? I'm 26. Wow. What made you want to start stand-up now?

Dude, why not, man? I'm in the oil field. I can't do any drugs anymore. So I figured, you know, I want to. have to get a rush somehow. And this is kind of like gambling, getting killed Tony. Why not, dude? Why not? Well, I mean, it's not really like gambling. You could prepare and do good at this. It's not like the house has better odds than you or anything. Everyone wants you to do good.

So it's not really gambling. I mean, if you prepared and tried it out at open mics and stuff. Yeah. Okay. Do you have any other special skills? What have you been good at in your life? You're 26. You're a good-looking guy. Thank you, sir. Thank you. All right, answer the question. Jesus. Just fell in love after that.

Guys don't get that many compliments, so I have to take your little breather. That is the one compliment anyone could give you. You do look handsome. Once you start talking, all the pussies dry up. All the hard cocks go soft. No, so I'm pussy in here I can see. What other skills do I have, man?

I'm an engineer. I've been doing that for a while. Jesus. These engineers cannot engineer a joke, huh? Okay. What else? Are you good at anything? You seem like you could keep a soccer ball up in the air for a while?

Something like that? Yeah, totally. I'm out of here with a beanbag suit. I'm Argentinian, so number one. What does that mean? Yeah. Number one at one. We won the World Cup.

You mean number one? Yeah, number one. Oh, you won the World Cup? I didn't win it, but Argentina. Argentina did. Ian is our senior soccer correspondent. Believe it or not, the rare black soccer fan. Okay.

No, they won. When did you win? Like two years ago? 2020. Oh, 2020. Our double senior soccer correspondent over there. Amazing. You said you can't do drugs anymore.

What were some of the hardest and most fun drugs that you did? Fuck, dude. I went to Texas Tech, man. Recin Tech. They're quite a bit of them. They're quite a bit of them. You want me to listen out? I think that's what I just asked.

Yeah, I remember when I said, what were some of the hard drugs that you did? Fuck, then you're going to put me on the spot? I'm not trying to lose my job. You're okay, Sebastian. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Yeah. Sebastian, here's a little joke book.

There he goes. Sebastian Santa Maria, ladies and gentlemen. Is that other bucket? So I'm going to tell you what. We're going to do something special here. completely unplanned. This has been one of those rare Mondays where I have been in full recovery all day. We are coming off of Skankfest weekend. I flew in yesterday with Shane Gillis and Joe DeRosa and we drank all fucking day yesterday, starting with screwdrivers on the plane. We

landed, went to a fucking bar, and drank for 10 hours straight. I was sick in the middle of the night. I got an IV drip today, been drinking water, coffee, this, that, to repair myself. So I have to pee so badly that I'm basically sweating out of my eyes. So what I think we should do, if the crowd wants to do it and if Adam wants to do it, why don't we do a little fucking little Tony Hinchcliff and I go pee and I'll let you call up this bucket pole? Is that sound fun to you guys? Ladies and gentlemen, hosting for me

while I step out to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. One more time. Thanks. We're really doing it, Red Band.

Oh. My God. Who's having the best fucking night of their lives right now, by the way? Unbelievable. Don't play that monkey noise anymore, Red Band. Your next bucket pole? I don't believe he's been on the show before. But he goes, he has a name, and I'm going to read it right now,

here on Kill Tony. he goes by the name of fuck Brandon Rorris Keep it going for Brandon Rorris

The Kill Tony debut Here he is everybody Disney adult Am I right Ew My kids dress me have an excuse Okay guys

chill Just celebrated 15 years of marriage. It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks, guys. We've been trying this new thing. My wife's love language is quality time. We're like trap in a room, trying to escape. An argument in the car, that's right, yeah.

Just one argument away from winning. Woo! Keep going, I want to hear where this goes. We'll be right back. Oh, my God. We're good. Hello, how are? Hi.

What's going? You want to, you want his spot? He was going to finish the rest of his joke. Oh, you're still, you're still doing it? This thing called momentum, it's gone now, we're good. Go ahead, finish it. Finish it. Yeah, come on.

Come on, finish it. Come on, finish it. Come on, let's hear it already. Finish it. Come on. Finish it. Pretend it's a plate of pancakes. Finish it.

Finish it. Finish it. More of a French toast guy, but I'll still do it. There go. Okay. Sorry. Look at that. Ash.

I'm more of a blunt guy these days. Want to take your seat back? Yeah, let's swap. I swear it's the last time I'm doing Dr. Phil. Don't miss it. December 18th. I love you. September 16th.

September 16th, Wildren Theater, Los Angeles. Oh, I love being back to me. Okay, how did that go? I'll tell you. I was just out back peeing. Didn't hear a lot. I felt like they're laughing at me, not with me right now, but no, it was good. Were you once the catcher in the movie The Sandlot?

Now you're all grown up. This is how you ended up. I've been in a little bit of weight, lost journey. I've gained 30 pounds. It's not going good. This is Brandon, right? Yes, sir. Brandon, you've been on the show once before?

Yeah. And you cried. You got a little emotional last time. Yeah, I lost it, like a little girl. No, it's fine, it's good. You showed your true feelings. Yeah, I'm holding it together right now today. Yeah, how's life changed since you were on Kill Tony?

Yeah. Go ahead, Brandon. Answer the question, Brandon. I don't want to be known as the crying guy, but it's been great. I'm a huge fan of the show, love the community, been hitting mics and other shows and trying to get better at the craft. You say you've been hitting mics. Are we talking about Jersey mics or?

I'm not, yeah, maybe. What else has been going on in life, Brandon? I've been doing VR comedy. So, like, I actually won a thousand dollars contests and got paid to do comedy in VR. You won $1,000 doing VR comedy? Yeah. Wow.

Redband is our senior VR correspondent. Yes Cool Okay There you go The keyword being V there in actual reality Not much going on

But in virtual reality You guys are living your dreams It's trying to Yeah it's been It's been fun I've been away for me Because I have family Can't get out to mics as much

So I'm trying to hone the craft Write more jokes And there's like real people In the thing Most of my furries But you know Work with you work with what's your avatar

Spider-Man from the Spider-verse in the pink robe I'm going to kill everybody in this room I'm sorry this is unbelievable this is just

this is what fat guys do by the way they go to VR and like I'm Spider-Man now I can jump around in virtual world look at me I can I can run in virtual reality if I just press down

this toggle box I can do what I can't do now. Oh, watch. I'm going to kick myself in the head. Pain free, kick in the head. Thanks for showing the last one. That was good. Whatever.

What am I missing here? What would you ask, Brandon? You saw his set. Yeah, I missed the first couple jokes. Is there like a joke that you didn't do, I guess, that you feel like maybe you... Because I know sometimes you get nervous when you come out of here, right? You might forgot something you wanted to do.

I didn't I was planning on going into another joke from there but then I lost well it didn't lose a moment if it just felt like the room was laughing so I just kind of soaking that in yeah yeah yeah I saw you kind of like just kind of milk in a moat

is it can we hear one more joke or yeah let's hear one more joke from Brandon Ferris I've been wanting to start this new thing called only dads it's wholesome you hear me how

it's where I say things to you like hey Tony I'm proud of you or Red Band we probably shouldn't do that and then just like your real dad when your subscription expires I leave bye

all right Brandon got a reaction that must kill in virtual reality dang it all right what does he get little or big what did you end up with last time

I got a big one because I cry but my daughter wants me get a little one here guess what she wants there you go daughter gets what daughter wants there goes Brandon

Ferris, everybody. I've a... My daughter's been doing comedy. Would you be open to giving her a minute? What are you talking about? How old's your daughter? She's eight, and the other one's 11.

No, we can't. We're not allowed to have people... Not at this venue, because it serves so much alcohol. Maybe a secret show, Red Band? Whoa, Red Band. Yeah. Red Band wants to know how bigger tits are before he books her.

Is it still fly? Is there a little something there? She might get the spot. What's her avatar? Huge. She's got huge knockers. There you go. There he goes.

Brandon Ferris. I was just kidding. We don't really want to know what your daughter's tits are like. There goes Brandon, everybody. Final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Kendall Jr., everybody.

Here we go. Kendall Jr. So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva. Many hands. So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents. So they're too crazy, just something where the dude might perhaps have is cock out. But it's mainly for my mom's reaction. though, because, you know, she'll be looking at her my dad, like,

honey, is that, is that real? My dad's like, don't worry, baby, he just fluffed that shit up. That's what they do. My dad is a small penis, apparently. Which means I got mine from my mom. I've been thinking about if they made a gay porn parody of men in black but they just called it men in black

men all right, thank you. There you go, Kendall Jr. Wow. T. Madden is with the bass riff that says it all. Kendall, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is a million-dollar question

here one year one year okay yeah last october yeah okay you work hard at it do you do it like a few times a week yeah yeah like every week like two to four how many times have you signed up for this show five this is my fifth time and and then your first time on this show correct yes yes okay what do you do for work uh i'm disabled i don't what how do what what what's disabled about you i have a had like bad back surgeries like since i was 18 so why what was wrong with your I had chyphosis and scoliosis, so they had to do the spinal fusion, like, top to bottom type of thing, and kind of, yeah, it's a lot. Okay, but you, you're on disability. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, it gives me a unique opportunity to kind of dive into, I had a, like, yeah, a lot to talk about. What do you mean? Oh, like in comedy, I feel like there's a lot of, like, material. Like, I used to be, like, a fat heroin addict because of it. Not because of it, but the heroin was sort of from the, so like there's a lot of material. Sure. How did you stumble into heroin?

Well, it was, well, like prescriptions, over prescribing, and it feels really good. And then you're like, well, I have a bad back. I could just kind of, you know, but no, it, so it started as a pain pill addiction. Yeah, pain pill addiction. And then it got out of control. It got out of control. And then someone's like, hey, this is like, hey, this is like, Yeah, yeah.

Try this. Yeah. Who recommended heroin to you? A buddy of mine who was a good friend. He's dead now. How did he die? No, I think his soul died long ago. These guys know what I'm talking about.

Sorry. All right. No, he's still out there. I don't know, man. A couple of people I have died. Yeah, but, you know, neither here nor there. I got out. I'm seven years clean.

Good for you. Yeah. Wow. That felt better than heroin. I'll say that. Wow. When the doctor put you out for your back surgery, was he like,

you'll be right back. Pointing to your back. That's so easy, is it? Pointing to the back. You'll be right back. See what I'm trying to? All right, it's not easy. It's not easy doing back jokes.

You'll be right back. Well, I kind of was. Like four hours later, I had to do emergency surgery. So he was like, yeah, you'll be right. Your arms are big. Is that from, because you used to be fat? It looks like you have... A little bit of both.

I have like exercise. You know, diet and exercise take you along. You're like built like Popeye or something like that. You have an interesting build. You have like a small head for your big frame. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

We're working on it slowly. It used to be rounder. You know, they had to like roll me around. Where are you from? I'm getting like a West Virginia, Virginia vibes somewhere around there. Houston. Oh, yeah, the West Virginia. Of Texas, perfect.

That's funny. That's good. Okay. So disability all the way. You don't make money anyway? You don't have a gambling problem? No, I try to stay away from it. This is the only adrenaline type of, you know, wise-ish.

How old are you? 34. What's your love life like? I have a girlfriend. She's kind. She's really, yeah, it's awesome. Oh, she's kind. Yeah.

Wow. Nothing gets me quite as excited as kindness. Yeah, no. She's, yeah, yeah. I have a, yeah. On a scale of 1 to 10, how kind is she? Great question, Ian. Spinal tap.

Spinal tap. It goes to 11, you know, he goes. All right, so what's the scale? Oh, she used to be heavy. She used to be heavier. But no, she's like, did you guys lose weight together? No, no, no, no. This is, I met her a few months back.

Are you on heroin now? No, no. How heavy were you at one point? I was almost 360. I say 355. Wow. I know. I say three,

because it's like, you know, I'm on my fat week. I'm a little fluffy this week. I'm like, I gotcha. So you were 360. What was she at one point?

She was, I think, like, 260. She's like, she's well under that now. But I didn't, I didn't meet her then, so I would have been. No,

I. Wow. No, I know what it takes. I know what it takes. get out of the gutter. Do you guys sometimes get your loose skin tangled up with each other's? Hers is, no, no, it's good.

I'm just kidding. All right. Kendall, before I let you go, craziest thing about you or your life? Craziest thing, I want shit myself walking into an H-E-B while trying to drop off prescriptions for opiates. So then it's, I had to continue dropping it off. I'm like, it was just, yeah, I had boots on, though, and jeans, so it was. Now, was it because you knew you were about to get the opiates?

Like, you get excited? I went to the doctor already. Oh, no, it was like, it was a hard opiate. It was Opan. Pana, I suggest they've stopped it. It was stronger than heroin. So, like, it led me to kind of like, I was like, oh, heroin, this is it? So, like, relaxed your sphincter, and that's why you shake. You could say that.

You could say that. Well, I mean, I could say that. I did say that. Yeah, you did say that. Was it because of the prescription? It's the withdrawals, you know. I was just like make everything fucking. It was like diarrhea plus you're probably relaxed, yeah?

Yeah. But then you're like uptight, so it's like, you know. Wow. Sounds like a red band, a red band bit on a Thursday night at the secret show. Diaryia mixed with. All right. What was the, can I just one thing? Heroin is like when you do it, it's not like weed where you're like,

let's fucking Xbox. Like you do heroin and like what's the go-to activity? I've cleaned before. You know, it's like one of those things where it's like after a while it gives you energy. It makes you normal. but at first you're just like I want to like put on a film or something

what film Goody's two no I used to I used to like putting on Rushmore like bottle rocket or something stupid you look like me if I started doing heroin yeah yeah yeah

don't well don't tell me how to live my life but yeah yeah well Kendall you did it here's a little joke book there you go

Kendall Jr. ladies and gentlemen Well, what an episode it's been. Who can forget? Martin Phillips' amazing opening. And then a lot of fat military people. And then the darkest man in the history of the show, Mohamed you all. Derek Flynn, Stevie One-Lague Wonders.

So much happened. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever on this show. Most interviews ever on this show. defending, super regular of Kiltony. Some people call them the vanilla guerriller,

the Memphis Strangler, the Prince of Pancakes, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. Hey, Redbin, I'm still thinking about your fat ass kicking your legs. Just in case anybody was wondering, I still haven't heard back from medical school yet. So I'm coming out to Smokey and the Bandit remake, but the truckers are all wearing turbans and

side-swiping minivans and gutting illegal U-turns going 75 miles an hour. Hey, Red Band, I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. wondering, did it hurt when they put the tube in your nose? What if instead of planet Earth, we watch Planet Jupiter? Dude, that would have been such a long show. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow.

William Montgomery, gracing us with not one but two red band jokes. to tonight I couldn't believe his fucking crazy ass I can't believe you were able to do that red band kick your fucking head well he wasn't yeah he tore his belly button at one point

what can you imagine that can you imagine what red band's belly button must look like what do you think that looks like William I think it is probably as a bunch of purply veins in the inside once you get through the hair on the inside because I've seen his ass naked many times I believe Bubba Fett

fell into it in episode three of Star Wars and Return of the Jedi of the... What is that the Snarlack? What is it, the Sarlack Pit? Sarlack. That's what many people describe his belly button like, which is now torn. William, let's talk about it.

You are two weeks out of being super viral now. The world is talking about it. I basically think it's a fucking... A lot of people, and it was heavily talked about at Skankfest, you were talked about. What did people say? Everybody there, every comedian there thinks it is the funniest

thing they've ever seen in their entire life. They think that's the way to enjoy William Montgomery. People are, the comedians are like, that's a brilliant special, is do your stuff in front of a hip, alt, you know,

audience that's literally there to see something else. I heard it competitive. paired to somebody there said that it was like, oh God, what was it? It was like if tool opened up for pink.

Somebody said something like that. And it makes perfect sense. Because you just are totally different. You're a different type of thing. It was the right thing. Yeah, at the beginning Tony, it was kind of hurting my feelings, but

I've been good. I don't really really look at anything because it doesn't really matter but I start thinking about it Tony I'm thinking well what is the prop so what if I do comedy I'm not allowed to bomb

people just never bomb I just that's all I didn't understand and then that's that confused me just because I don't know it doesn't matter you didn't bomb William that audience you didn't bomb William God Red Band seriously you're the last person

I want to hear anything nice from you dumb ass seriously you're the last fucking idiot. I want to hear anything from right now. I'm not feeling real great right now. Just generally speaking, so I don't really want to hear you right now. Seriously.

Seriously. Kind of been feeling down today, so seriously, I don't want to hear you again. Thank you. Thank you, though. Thank you. He's very grateful. I think you mean well. I think you mean well. Wow. I love it.

But yeah, Tony, I ended up doing a show in Jackson, Mississippi on Thursday and thank God it felt good. So I was able to get the other set out of my head and then I ended up going to the Grove to Oxford on Saturday. Ole Miss was playing Florida and I was wearing Florida stuff

and Tony I walked down this thing called the Walk of Champions and I felt like I was back at the show where everybody was booing me so bad. It was horrible. I guess all the fraternity people are lining up on each side of the fence and they're all screaming and

they were all screaming at me. They were so, oh, you spit money on those clothes? They kept those saying stuff like that. They were talking about my mom. Yeah, spending money on the club. That hurt me for some reason. They were just screaming at me. And then this one guy, one guy recognized me,

and we shake hands in the midst of all of this chaos. And then the guy next to him, he also goes out to shake my hand. And then he pulls his hand up. And they all laugh real out. And I'm thinking, okay, I just got to keep moving forward through this fucking horrible situation. I felt literally like a Jewish person going to a,

Say it, say it, say it. But no, I mean, that's really what I was thinking. Like, he's like the one buddy I see in the crowd and he's like helping me kind of, but then he can't because everybody else hates me. Wow. This guy knows what I'm talking about right now. Wait, that fuck them, dude.

First of all, I saw that clip. It made me so happy because I adore you. And you were so, you stayed in the pocket. You stayed you. You committed. You powered through. And yeah, you don't get better when you crush all the time. But, you know, just fucking that.

audience didn't pick up on it. It's their fault. Yeah, fuck, though. I don't give this shit. You know how many people you bring joy to all the time? Yeah, I don't give a shit! Oh. You hurt yourself? No. Oh.

So what else you've been doing this week? You wrote a new Smokey and the Bandit joke in between two red band jokes? Yes, did that? Wrote that. Where do you, what makes you write a Smokey and the Bandit joke? I watch Smokey and the Bandit this past week down. in Mississippi. Oh.

And I was, and then, yeah. And then I'm thinking, okay, let's make it. Let's, for the people, let's think, uh, turbines, just turban, just saying people with turbines, I think is funny. Mm-hmm. And I was like, okay, what's something dangerous you do in a car? Okay, side-swiping people, 75 miles an hour, stuff like that. So that's the process.

Yeah, yeah. Just smoking a bunch of weed. Is there anything that you like? like to snack on when you're writing snack on or drink? Well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks now, Tony. I think that's why today I was feeling a little down. And Red Band, don't shake your head yes at that. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. I've been feeling down today. I'm not even kidding. Don't look at me right now. But yeah, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks,

so I've got to get back on that. Oh, he's eating his glasses right now. He's got edible, Edible. Oh, Jesus. Red Band. Okay. It's kind of like my dick and his mom's

mouth the other guy. This kind of slabs. He's so, yeah, she's so old so it's just

going to slap it around and her fucking wow. What else does his mom do when you're with her?

I'm kidding. That was mean. No. Oh, okay. All right. Rebe is going to go to me crying after this.

That's all I'm like a little bitch. That's why I thought I'd get off on him on that one. He's going to cry about That would have to.

You think so? William, you're so funny. Oh, my God. I love it. I just love it. Do you have any other big crazy gigs planned? You perhaps opening up for a church choir at some point in the near future or anything like that? Any big paydays coming up?

You opening up for perhaps at the school for the... Deaf or something? Oklahoma City. I'll be in Oklahoma City in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in the middle of December. Oh. Then I'm going to figure out stuff for next year and there's stuff going on there.

Oh, like a bunch of just different stuff going on. What kind of stuff is going on? That's why I was stressed today. What are you stressed? I'm not talking about it right now. Oh, boy, really. Yeah, yeah, no way. Wow.

No way. No way. There's no, just no way. Yeah, kind of big things going on. You have great. Ducks on your shirt. Thank you so much. Where do you get a shirt like that?

This is eBay. You get a lot of stuff off eBay? Yeah, recently I've been getting a bunch of Oriental Rugs off eBay. Wow. What else you've been getting off eBay? Mainly just Oriental rugs, Tony! Wow.

How many Oriental rugs have you gotten? 15. Wow. What are you doing with all these rugs? Yeah, I'm going through it right now, Tony. I'm real sad, so I've just been getting fucking Oriental rugs off of fucking eBay. like really cool looking ones

like they look very cool like I'm proud of it I feel good about them but every now and again they'll smell I fucking open them up out of the package and they fucking smell like mildew or something and I just think God I'm going to jump off of the building tonight wow

this is a sign wow and what's explained to the audience what the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug is do they come Did they perhaps come with a little seasoning packet in the pots or something? Like the ramen noodles do?

What's the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug? You're the master of it. You've bought 15 of them according to you. So it should be a pretty easy question. Is it the design? Do they come with? Tony, that's a great question. I don't know.

I don't know. Wow. Just a look thing. It's a touch thing. I get him shipped to my door. Oh, and by the way, just recently, this is a little thing I want to get off my chest. Whoever the piece of shit

who's working at FedEx, who refuses to walk up my steps, you have to walk up to get to my fucking apartment. You're a dumbass. Literally today, I was getting something delivered to the apartment, and the person just takes a picture from the outside. Somebody fucking with me.

That's what I, I'm getting real paranoid. Tony. I'm thinking, oh, they see my name on here. They heard about the horrible said. Oh, they refused to take my packages up to my place. I swear to God, that's where I'm at right now. Have you thought about getting another escalator? No. No.

No. People get on fights on them. Oh, they do? Yeah. That's a thing? Yes. Adam Ray. You said you had, you have 15 Oriental rugs. Yes, but I'm figuring it out. I don't think I'm going to ultimately end up with 15. Do they pad-tie the

room together or does it okay all right not everything is going to crush tonight did you did you buy them like for a specific reason

or is it just out of like boredom like a bored oh it's just some it's a hard way I'm working with hardwood floors and I have to I'm getting rugs yeah it's been fun

I spend hours just looking at the pictures and reading different stuff and then I look back at the pictures and then I look at the pictures and then I look get the dimensions and then I go measure stuff for three hours that it seems very inefficient, but it's kind of fun. Wow. Amazing, William. Is there anything else you want to say to these people before we? Yeah, it's been real weird recently, Tony. It's a lot of measuring. I'm not even

getting. What are you measuring? Do you have a tape measure? Yes. And you use that. You have a little tiny one. Yeah, it's a little small one. So I have to make little marks on the floor and I'm doing like 15 feet. I have to make like 15 different marks. It's like a foot long. Wow. Isn't that stupid kind of? Yeah, that's crazy.

So are you like making a carpet out of all the rugs? Yeah, making one big carpet and I'm just putting them all on top of each other. You'll love it. Tony, we'll come see it. I can't wait to see your compilation of Oriental rugs. Is there anything else you're passionate about this week? Are rugs okay with being called Oriental? or is that cool?

Yeah. Yeah, that's what they are. Oriental rugs. Yeah. Yeah. Just checking. I don't know. Now I'm thinking maybe some of the people

that showed a couple weeks ago, they would hear me say Oriental rugs and they wouldn't even like that. It's like, I'd be nothing. I mean, nothing by it. And that's all going to be, oh, he's saying Oriental. I think you're right.

I don't know what my mom sees in him. Like, really? Like, I just don't understand. Like, I ask her all the time. Like, mom, what are you doing with that? Make some notes with the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it. That's another episode.

Thank you to Blue Chew and quote. Adam Ray's new theater tour, who is me, is happening. Tickets are on sale at Adam Raycomedy.com. The final, Dr. Phil, live from. the one and only what is it the fucking Wiltern Theater that's right December 16th that's the final Dr. Phil show

I mean it is an absolute blowout I would be able to make it there but it's on a fucking Monday on a Tuesday but I have the Monday thing it's crazy Ian Edwards new special Untitled is out now check out Ian Edwards Stand Up on YouTube that's Ian Edwards stand up

One more time for the best stand band in the land, Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip ATX.com Secret Show every Thursday. We love you guys. Your last chance to get tickets for the one and only Moody Center, New Year's Eve. All you people that say, I try to get tickets. It's your only chance. New Year's Eve, live from the Moody Center. It's going to be a hell of a blowout.

Way to end 2025. Live audience, thank you so much. God bless you. And God bless. the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over.

Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. Thank you. Thank you.