KILL TONY - #747 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + NICK ROCHEFORT

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

Harland Williams, Nick Rochefort, Dedrick Flynn, Ari Matti, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 11/24/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE https://www.TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM (TOUR DATES) BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN https://www.youtube.com/@catbreadmusic https://www.youtube.com/REDBAN https://www.DEATHSQUAD.TV https://www.SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://bluechew.com with code TONY. Try QUO for free when you go to https://quo.com/killtony Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killedon. Tony. Hey, this is Redmond live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Or that, and enjoy. Via Rail, love the way. She's wide awake in her whiskey hole. You guys ready? Start this fucking show or what, huh? Every single week, I have two of the best comedians in the world on this show. This is a fun one. This is a little chemistry set for you.

Because sometimes I take great pride in introducing some of the top rising comedians in the world on this panel. We were one of the first shows ever to show you fucking, you know, Tim Dillon coming up and Shane Gillis coming up many, many years ago. This is one of those nights where you get a little bit of both. You get one of the first-time guests, who I think is funny as fuck, and you have an absolute complete legend. In fact, he is the reigning, defending, 24 guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, your two guests tonight are Harland Williams and Nick Rochefort. Yeah.

Oh my God, there he is. Harlan Williams, Nick Rochafort. Harlan is back, ladies and gentlemen, of the Harlan Highway. Nick Rochefort is on the scuffed real tour. Welcome, Nick. Holy shit, how exciting. Harland Williams. Buddy, I am, I got to say I'm a little anxiety ridden tonight.

I rushed out of the house, and I don't know, mostly the women might relate to this one, but I'm a little, I don't like to come up here nervous or out of sorts, but I'm going to be honest. I left a seven-layer lasagna in the oven. Seven, well, if you're going to laugh. Seven layers. What are the different layers? Well, let's not be nosy. The highest I've done is a 12, and this was back during the...

Do you remember the space shuttle era? Yeah. And they used to put those... They used to put the space tiles on the space shuttle. Do you remember that? Uh-huh. And they deflected the heat, and they allowed the space shuttle to ease back into Earth,

and kind of like what you do to your wife, sir. Yeah. And what I used to do, Tony... Daddy likes to drive fast And so what I do I did a 14-layer lasagna I cut it up the same size of the space tile stuck them all over my Corvette Stingray

And I want 102 through Bakersfield Wow That is amazing Nick Rochefort is here ladies The debut of Nick Rochefort in the Kill Tony universe. How are we doing, Nick? I made an eight-layer lasagna.

Here's the thing about space. I worked on the space is fake, but I don't know. We're going to have some fun here tonight. Nick's first time on the show, Nick, you might not know, but over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If it happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up in here.

the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. I'm going to let this convict on the run pick the first name. This is very exciting. He dug in there a little bit. He pulled one out.

Very, very exciting. And like that, we go wrangle that comedian who has no idea that they just got selected. They're over there. It's dark. It's gloomy at Shakespeare's next door. There's a little wall. There's a little water cooler.

They keep refilling. They're little plastic cups. Some of them are drinking. They have a deal with, what is it, vodka soda pitcher for like $3. Some of them are like, I'm not getting pulled. And they just start fucking getting drunk over there. We have a DUI breathalyzer to check them

in case they get too fucked up. Anything can happen. We crush dreams here and we make superstars all the time. Anything can happen. Let's start the show. Your first comedian. from Canada. He's a very, very energized young bunny rabbit. Make some noise for the return of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.

Here he is. Recently, I was told taking a bath makes me feminine. And if having a bath makes me feminine, then tuck my nuts and call me Danielle because I do not give a fuck. You know how many times I've seen you girls take those bathtub photos with your foot underneath the faucet and like a half a glass of shardinay in the corner, mind you it's a full bottle, eh? And then the little motivational quote of like, live your best life, queen be who you're supposed to be. Like, I want to have that so bad. I saw a girl have a shartruity tray in the back of her bathtub. I'm like, why can't I have a bruchetta and a bath bomb as a bro? You know?

Like I already take a shit and I eat a parfait. I might as well have a meat and cheese spread while I bathe. I'd have to make it more manly though, right? I'd have to have a half-crushed modello can in the corner. And instead of a chartrutory tray, though, just a floating Zinpuck in the background. You know? But I fear if I took that photo, one of my buddies would just zoom in on the stainless steel faucet, catch my dick just floating right in the middle of the tub. Because that's what it does. I'm not going to lie. It's just a buoy sitting in the middle of the Lake Flacid, just chilling, you know? Because that's what I do. Whenever I see you girls take those photos, I'm fucking zoom in, dude, to the point where I can't zoom no more,

and then I just take a screenshot and zoom in an extra little bit. Just to see if I can catch a dorsal fin underneath the water. Thank you guys. I'm Danny Martinello. Danny Martinello, representing Canada here tonight. Let me ask you a question, Danny. Yeah. Have you ever heard anyone else? Have you only read the word charchutery?

Have you ever talked with anyone about? with anyone about charchutery? Have you run that by anybody? To be honest, like, I don't even really know how to read, dude. Have you ever... Sounded out! Have you ever spoken with anybody about charchutery? Yeah, usually I'm like, can I just have some extra cheese

and then, like, meats and stuff on it? It's charcutory, right? So you're doing it on purpose. Wow, you guys fucking figured it out, right? No, we thought you were retarded for a second. I mean, it ain't no difference than any of day, Tony. You always think I'm retarded. The way you say it, bro, it sounds like a bowel disease, honestly.

Yeah. And if I can just add to the floating penis thing, I mean, I think there's something you really forgot that we got to add. And most you might not know this, but the penis does float and the little hole in the tip gas for air like a coy fish. So if you throw fish food in a man's bat, you'll eat it all up. And for you, ladies, let's be honest, you're just drowning a corned beef sandwich

when you take a bath. That is true. That is true. So you've been enjoying baths? This is all real? Yeah, I've been trying to, like, just relax and stuff. And I sit in the bath. I have, like, the shower anyway,

so I was like, I might as well just fill it up. You have roommates? No, not really, no. Not really? No, I have a roommate, but he lives in, Canada, and then he only comes, like, a couple times a year. So, like, I'm kind of, like, just living on my own, which is pretty sick. Yeah.

I miss him so much, and I wish he would show. All right, Danny. I thought you guys would have fun with that, but... Wacky. I don't really gave a fuck. He thought I was going to jump on and do a five-star frog splash on the table. Okay, Danny. What kind of Adderall are you on exactly?

Canadian, Mexican? No, I'm severely over-diagnosed and under-medicated. I don't do any of that stuff because I feel like it takes away from my spirit. Wow. So you've tried it. You've tried it. Yeah, I was forced to take riddle in in grade four through seven. And you felt like it affected your creativity in grades four through seven? Yes, I was a stunted artist in that year. And it took away my shine and my mom said he's just a difficult spirit.

You should be able to handle them as a teacher. But Emmington Public School Board made me like take riddle in if I wanted to stay in Emmett. So this riddle in you took, you said you took it. daily? Yeah, I had to take it at lunch. How many cases a day did you take? Just one pill, and it was funny. They lined us up like little lab rats,

and we'd have to go check in at the office and go eh. And then, but I didn't take, I'd put it under, like, in the pocket, and then I would give it to this kid named Jamie Anderson, and I'd watch him snort it in the urinal. Wow. In grade five, it was pretty sick.

You were like a riddle and pez machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it would come out. Well, that's a conalingis machine right there. Yeah. Are you shooting them into your girl's vulva? Yeah. From afar, like a Thai ping pong.

Do that again? Let's see it. Can you do that with your mouth again? Aha. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know why two men want to open my mouth like that, but here we are. That's a Pez Volvo right there. Very scary. Danny, what else is going on in your life?

Anything else? Nothing much. I came back from, I went to Mexico for, a wedding, which is pretty fun, except for I got Montezuma's revenge. What exactly is that? Describe that to the people. That's where you just basically shit through a badminton rocket for five days. So yeah, I had traveler's diarrhea. It was pretty good. You drink the water like Charlotte from Sex and the City?

Yeah, we got a little bit fucked up and an ice cube took me out. Wow. You know you're tough, eh? You just get a slushy drink and you're like, ugh. But it was pretty good. I mean, yeah, I enjoyed it. It was fun. It was fun. You enjoyed the diary in Mexico. Yeah, because I was hitting the buffet a little too big. And so then by the end of it, I was like...

So fucking Canadian, right? Oh, I was hitting a buffet too big. Yeah, what? Well, you know, all right? You like just gorge yourself, right? Because it's like, you're like, you're like a Roman. And you're like, I'm going to eat... Don't look at the Mexicans like that.

What are you turning around for? You're spinning around now. Immigrant to another. I don't know. This is the safest place over here besides Harlan eyes. I'm looking at Tony. And then he's like, oh, no. something's going to call. I don't trust you, dude. I don't know

what's up, but I don't trust you. You're fucking damn right, you shouldn't. Danny. Yeah, no, it was all right. It was good. And then I, uh, there's a, yeah, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm talking too much right now. Perfect. Danny, congratulations. You started the show with a minute. Thanks, guys. There he goes.

Back to Canada. He goes. Danny Martinello, everybody. This is where things get interesting because we are going to the bucket for our first time tonight, ladies and gentlemen we're going to meet human beings all together this is the bread and butter of the show people can become stars out of this bucket they can fucking blow it the pressure can get to them ladies and gentlemen your first bucket pool of the night is matthew coffin ladies and gentlemen here we go so of course trump would call an operation that requires massive missiles to deeply penetrate a mountain to destroy a nuclear facility,

Operation Midnight Hammer, which I don't even feel creative saying it at all, because I'm sure me, just like millions of other people, all thought the same thing. And that's the perfect name for a black porn star. I mean, come on. Coming to night, Midnight Hammer. But anyways, just further proof he's our dick. Anyways, the older I get, I feel like the more I'm turning into an old black lady, especially during the winter time.

I always feel like I'd need a little Afghan or a little shawl around my shoulder. And I'm always saying, Lord, have mercy. For some reason, my cell phone thinks that my nut stink and I beat my dog. And I don't know how, I mean, I don't know why my phone thinks my nuts stink.

It's like the phone has a nose or anything, and I don't talk about that stuff or anything. But it thinks I beat my dog. I'll get these little alerts on my phone that says, don't abuse your ant. There's other ways to discipline it. And it's because I sing to him and say stupid shit. Oh, my God.

Holy shit, Matthew. I was just going to see him. Let's check in with Nick Rochefort. That's one fucking suicidal Pomeranian right there. I'll tell you that much. Saddest dog that's ever lived. That fucking poor dog just walking around, not even walking around, probably dying to run away right now.

He's happy you stop talking. Yeah. I thought it was a cat, to be honest. A suitcase cat. It's got a fucking handle. The dog is the most interesting part of your entire set. You really just like, do you practice this, Matthew? Do you, like, try?

Yeah, it's been a really busy week. I haven't actually been on stage in about three weeks. because I've been busy, like, work-working. What have you been doing for work-work? Between over here, like I told you the last time, I've been working over to the strip club now, too. Working a parking lot. You're working the parking lot at the strip club.

What exactly are you doing in the parking lot? Would you like general parking or VIP? And that's what you do? Mostly, yeah, and try to direct Uber drivers that don't speak English, where to go in the right way and stuff like that. It's fun. Right. And do you have your dog with you when you're doing that?

Yep, he hangs out by the car. He's, he got his little leash attached to the inside of the car. He's got his little pillow out there and everything, hangs out there with me. Okay. How long have you had this dog for? All eight years of his life. All eight years of his life. And what's the name of the dog?

His name's Lucius Fox. Okay. All right. So, Matthew, that is what you would call your service animal, correct? Yeah, I had to pay the extra for it because I can't be without him. He can't be without me. He can't be without you. He could be with anybody else.

Ask anybody next door. And are you, are you, have you been diagnosed with anything? Is there a reason why you have a service dog or is that just your trick to life? Is that what makes people think you're okay? I didn't even know it was a thing, like to use like service animals, like to get your, not have to pay for certain things for your apartment and stuff. I had no idea. I was just like, I was talking too late on a friend. I can't be without him.

You answered an entirely different question. I was saying, I can't be without him. I have to talk to a lady to get the license and all that. So I was like, I can't be without him. He can't be without me. This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen. Just to know, these aren't like character actors that we hire, something like that.

Do you think you're sending the wrong message standing in a parking lot, holding a dog, in a place where you're trying to sell pussy? Like I said, he hangs out by the car And some people like him and say hello and stuff And it's pretty cool Everybody's thinking it Do you fuck the dog

Do you fuck the dog One of the other guys likes to call him My little furry fleshlight But no Wow But he's not His bed is my bed though He's got an interesting story

Holy shit dude This is crazy Matthew. Your sleeve isn't up his ass, is it? There's, there's, there's, there's nothing, nothing normal. Nothing, there's nothing normal about it. Is there anything that you do without the dog? Not since I moved out here to Texas.

You're just always with, always. It's out on my lap, all 1,600 plus miles cross country to get here. Uh-huh. And you came here to do stand-up comedy? Well, like I said, after I got struck in the head with that steel girder, I took that settlement money, and I was like, I can't keep denying who I am. I'm a carny.

I'm a clown. I have to go where everything's happening at. What makes you think? Big swings for defense. Okay. I can't handle another second of this. That dog is going to be leaking in 10 minutes. Matthew, you already have a very small joke book, correct?

Yes. There you go. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Matthew Coffin, everybody. you got to take like a year off or something take like a year off sign up in a year it's absolutely psychotically bad years off how about that hello y'all this podcast is sponsored by blue chew not that you need it when you're around a girl like this but i mean what you guys have to deal with you're gonna need it and they just drop something crazy i'm talking

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We're all little service dogs when the lovely Heidi comes out. Am I right? How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? All right. Let's see if this bucket pole does any better. Make some noise for Offender, everybody. Here comes Offender. I know what you guys are.

thinking. My hair says California, but my voice says I'd fuck a cousin. Being from the South is challenging. Usually doesn't take people long to accuse me being some type of no good, methed up, wife beating racist, toothless Trump supporter. But that's not true. See, in Alabama, you can only be three of those things. Because once you're four, we ship your ass to floor. To become a legal resident of that state, you got a fucking alligator. Yeah, yeah, brother. And they're gonna try to tell you it tastes like chicken,

but I promise you this does not fuck like one. Other day, my friend said I reminded him of a young Ron White supremacist. Supremises. All right. I'll leave it there. There you go. Offender getting actual laughs this time.

Believe it or not, offender's been on this show before, and at one point he was doing as bad as the last comedian that was on. I swear to God. Believe it or not, an incredible amount of growth shown this set, Offender. Oh, look at Matt Mueling. He likes growth, everybody. I am a grower. So offender, how long have you... And what?

A pot grower, guys, a pot grower. I'm a pot grower. You're a pot grower? Yeah. That's what you do for a living? Yeah. Okay. Where do you grow it? Oregon.

Oregon. Yeah. William's organ. Do you want the exact, like... Yes. No. Yeah. No. No.

And the business is going good for you? I just, you know, I was living on my short bus for nine months, chasing this dream and comedy. I left for three months. I just paid for an apartment for six months up front. Okay. So I'm not homeless no more.

I am not homeless no more. Incredible. I've got a bathroom. Wow. Six months worth of bathroom. How are you playing? Have you decorated this apartment at all or are you treating it like it's still a bus?

No, no. I decorate it. So I got a medicine cabinet. Okay. A medicine cabinet? Yes. Okay. Yes.

Really cool. I've never had a medicine cabinet before. Yes. Somewhere to put all of your medicine. All of my medicine. I got my rolling papers in there, my grinder. Above it, I got the clone and the eye drops, which I forgot to bring right now. Sorry about that.

That's not decorating though. That just comes with the apartment. Is your walls just like you spread poop? I got a medicine cabinet. I've done a lot of decorating. Yeah. Can I ask you something, bro? Yes, sir.

This is just a reaction thing. It's almost like a test when they hit your knee at the doctor's office. It's a reflex thing. Okay. I'm going to say something I just want to... Thanks for crouching. I can still see you. Go ahead, Harlan.

I'm sorry about that crouching tiger. It's like a giant crawdad went by in the mud. This is just like a like a refurb. like a reflex thing. I'm going to say it. I just want to see how you react. All right, guy? I can't believe it's not butter.

All right. He was my stepdad, so that makes sense. Okay, a little Fabio reference. Straight out of 1994 for you back when... Yeah, I'll never forget. I was in my bedroom playing with a lasagna. Offender, tell us more about this new apartment. This is a big deal for you.

Fuck yeah, dude, I was living amongst these homeless, these savages, dude. They take shits in the street. You got to be respectable. You got to put it in a bag, and then you've got to find a trash can far, far away from the mothership. Okay. I've always wanted to ask this question.

I'm not trying to be a wise guy, but when a homeless dude or woman cracks a loaf in the street... Okay. Like when they drop a cracker barrel thunderloaf or an olive garden chicken, suflay, whatever you want to call it. What do you wipe with? It's a great question. What do they wipe with? You were out there, you had a

first-hand account. I'm pretty sure, shockingly, nothing. They don't wash their hands either. So they're just walking around with the leftover in their crack. Yeah. A little... Wow, dude. I wasn't ready for that answer. A little souffle for later.

Did you ever like bend down you were desperate? Maybe you had a hot date with another homeless chick the other night and you bent down backwards and wiped your crack with your golden fleecy hair? That's a great question. Great question. A vendor, are you making money anyway while you're here in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir. How are you doing that?

Comedy. You're making money, you're doing paid gigs? I do paid gigs. I bark, whatever, however I can help any show or anybody that has an opportunity for me. extend my offer and say, hey, I'm willing to do this. I live here for this. I mean, how often do you bark? More or less than the last comedian's dog? Not a real question. Offender, what's your love life like? You're a handsome man. Thank you. How does that work out for you? Now that you have your own apartment, is that something that you're doing? You know, it's something

that every man I probably is thinking about. But me personally, I don't have time for it, man. You don't have time for the ladies. No. No. Well, you got yourself. Look at you. What is the tattoo right here on the arm? I'm glad I asked. Okay. I don't know if you guys can see it.

Can you describe it with words? Yes. All right. So it's got a wood handle, a metal shaft. Some would call it a shank, but it's not. Okay. It's an old school can opener. Nice.

In case I have to open a can of whoop ass on somebody. You know what I mean? I was more talking about the predator CIA coating you have on your wrist right here. What the hell is that? Yeah, what's that? That's frightening. Okay, so I have this right here is Uzetti. Uh-huh.

And then this is Dottie that's Croatian for give and take because life is all about the give and take. Wild. Okay. All right. Did you ever meet a homeless woman with a tattoo of a can of beans on her leg? Yeah. Celia Contreras, dude.

I did just, you guys were as Gang Fest. I was actually working there, which was a fucking. great time. I actually fought in the skank fights. Okay. How did that go? 25 second submission, arm bar, the fastest submission of the weekend. You won? Fuck, yeah. Oh, my God. You hit the fucking, you hit the can opener on somebody.

Hell yeah, I did. Good thing I have it. Wow, absolutely incredible. Triple HIV. That's me. Yeah, I got to ask, though. I got to follow up. You're in the street, right? I was, yes, sir. Well, you still are. Yes, sir.

And it's a tough world out there, right? We've all watched Animal Planet, right? Okay, yeah. You ever, since you do have some mad skills in the ring, you ever get into any tussles out on the mean streets, my guy? Yeah, so I'm actually, like, notoriously known for breaking up fights down here trying to protect people from harming themselves even further. Oh, wow.

One night a guy did aggress me, and I had to, you know, take care of myself. But- You jerked off on them? Fuck, yeah, I did. Yeah, they pulled out a stretcher and everything. No, but I did have to wrap up a guy, but I tried to do it in a respectful way

that doesn't harm anybody. The worst thing is, in today's, especially on the street, it's pretty violent. People didn't be aware. Did he put hands on you? Did you take any shots, my guy? Dip and then hip toss and put them in a triangle, choked him till the cops showed up.

Sounds like you broke into a square-dounce from what you just showed me. Well, let's not act that out. Offender, congratulations. You've never gotten a big joke book on this show before, correct? Have you? I have the very first one. Well, then there you go. Hey, it got filled up.

Are you just saying that? Are you going to sell this on the streets to somebody? All right, there you go. Offender, ladies and gentlemen. There we go. Two return bucket pulls to start the show. show. This looks like a new name. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. We're going to find out. But let's hear it for emo-ma-joc, ladies and gentlemen. Emu-Majok. Here we go.

Not in book. No, I'm fucking around. I speak English, guys. Holy shit, there's a lot of white people here. I'm Tarek's stepdaddy. The blackest fuck one. I'm from South Sudan. I'm from South Sudan, but I live out in Australia. I love the diversity you got here in America, because there's no black people in Australia. There's like literally, like me and my cousin Chad.

So I'm out in LA right now, and I love doing the comedy in LA. I do the black rooms over there. The black rooms are kind of like this, but with black people. And I love performing with African Americans, you know? African Americans, you know? Because as an African, we see African Americans as our cousins. Like an African American is technically an African that got caught.

And every four years at the Olympics, they remind the world that you will never catch them again. Emo. Fool me. Mejok, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. What up, Tony? Great set, Emo.

Welcome. This is your first time on the show. My first time out here, yeah. I've tried a couple times, but just my first time on here, so yeah. Hell yeah. And how long you've been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about seven years now.

Seven years. And all of it in South Sudan? How much in America? No, no, no, no. Now, out in Australia. I'm from Perth, Western Australia. I've been doing it out there, but I'm mainly in Melbourne. I'm all around Australia.

All around Australia. Australia, yeah. Look at you. Amazing. He wrote a shipping container to get there. Yeah. How did you end up in Perth? It was, we got sponsored as refugees, so we got taken to Australia.

How old were you when that happened? Like a reverse slavery. I was eight years old. I was eight years old. Amazing. Amazing. Can I give him a compliment? Yeah, give him a compliment.

Can I give you a wonderful compliment, my friend? Yeah, absolutely, man. Go ahead. We all have different great. radiance and shades of skin. Black people, white people, Asian people. You want to touch it? Is that what you're trying to... I think I would, yeah.

You have, like, dark skin, but it's a beautiful... I just love the tone and the shade of your skin. Thank you, man. When white people show that much interest in black people, I got nervous. What's your address? Amazing. Emo.

Yeah. When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Ah. And now here I am. How about now? Meeting you. So I have to ask you, what scares you? What scares me?

Yeah. White people. That makes sense. White people and cops. That makes perfect sense. What's your address? What's my... Exactly what I'm talking about.

Emo, what else are you into? Do you have any special stuff? skills or hobbies or talents I love standout man I love traveling I travel a lot I try to expose myself as much cultures as possible yeah what have you learned from these different cultures what are some of your favorite cultures I that we that we uh one race hold on wait what one race one human race one race yeah yeah okay so you're a marathon guy but like what where are the your favorite places that you've traveled places I've been out to Asia but I love I love being out here in America you do

make me a little bit nervous with your guns and shit but yeah America's cool every different state has got the only little different rules and different cultures and stuff so I really like you say that Texas's guns make you nervous have you ever shot a gun yeah I shot guns yeah come on from Africa okay I love it you shot guns in Africa Shotguns in Australia and, yeah, in Africa, yeah. Okay, what were you shooting in Africa? Is that at a range?

Just cans. What? Cans. Cairns. Containership captains. That's who he shot. You ever shoot a slingshot or throw a rock? Yeah, I made a slingshot when I was a kid.

Okay, well, go to Canada. You can do it some more. I just came from Canada. I had my first Canadian winter just recently. You had your first what? My first Canadian winter. Oh. Oh, my God.

How did it feel? Cold. Cold. It felt cold. That's the right answer. I was out in Saskatchewan, which is nobody knows where the fuck that is. Yeah, we know where that is.

Yeah, of course. That's the prairies, yeah. Yeah, you know, you're a Canadian. An old comedian, my Gary David, a Canadian comedian, he used to do this joke. He'd say, Saskatchewan is so flat. It's the only place in the world you can sit. on your front porch and watch your dog run away for three weeks and he wasn't very good you can

tell you want to touch it how about now i got a lasagna in the oven don't fuck with me Emo, you're a world traveler. You are a specific shade, as mentioned earlier. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever done to you? So you seem like such a nice, sweet guy. And it's interesting how people judge a book by its cover. Yeah, I'm from Australia. Like, that place is racist as fuck.

But that is my kind of speed, though. Better the races you know than the races you don't. Yes. Right, someone touched me and tried to rub it off. That was a little insulting in Asia. Fuck you, Bali. An Asian in Bali asked if you could rub any of that off? No, no, no.

They tried? They tried to rub it off, yeah. Holy shit. Did they use, like, lemon pledge or anything? I think she just trusted her own hands and was unsuccessful. Have you had any jobs other than being a comedian? Yeah, I had a ton of jobs. I worked in coal centers.

I worked in... What was the first one? Coal centers. Oh, I thought you said coal centers. And I was wondering if you were the coal for a second. He said he likes racism, ladies and gentlemen. He feels at home. My kind of speed, yeah.

I worked in warehousing, but set up was definitely. Definitely my favorite job. Yeah. How about your love life? You seem like a handsome, handsome man, I'm sure. I've got a partner. You have a partner? Yeah, I got a partner.

Fiancee who just got engaged. It's a... Where'd you meet this partner at? She's Canadian. I met her at a festival in Australia back in 2018. Nice. Is she a girl? Yeah, by my studies, yeah.

When someone says partner, I don't know if it's a girl or... No, no, she's a girl, she's a girl, yeah. She's a girl. She's a woman. She's a woman, yeah. Right. Canadian woman, white? She's Indian background.

Oh. Brown girl. Wow. Okay, Indian background. Got to O'Leah. You met her at the call center, I'm guessing? I met her at a festival in Melbourne. Is there any water right now?

Yeah, yeah. Why don't you just call for some? Oh, yes. Yes, let's get it. Absolutely. You have cotton mouth? I don't even have to do the rest of that joke. I don't even have to do it.

You can't even make it up, ladies and gentlemen. First person asked for water in years. Just so happens to be one of the darkest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life. Just for fun at the call center. I'm just curious, you ever just do a... Like a Tarzan call? Well, Tarzan was not black. That's true.

That's true. Harlan's been watching the Disney remake of Tarzan on Netflix. Only, no, only on Netflix. Just bunches this up and wide and fucking pile. It's too late now, Red Band. Red Band just has his fingers hovering over the Lion King setup that he has right now. Nothing.

Okay, it's a Tracy Chapman reference. Does anybody ever? Grace Jones, yeah. This is amazing. You have to understand, Emo. We're very excited to have someone like you here. It's our first time interviewing the curtains, so it's very exciting. It's very exciting for us.

Technically, you've been on every episode of the show. Probably sponsored by me. That's right. Tony, he's the captain now. Absolutely. Oh, my goodness. He gets serious, quick. I love it.

Emo, what do you think, because you are indeed dark? We've covered this. But I have to ask, what do you think? is the whitest thing about you. If there's something about you that you do, maybe you... My teeth? Oh, okay. That's a good answer.

My teeth. That isn't my credit report. I told you found my... I love it. Emo, you are fantastic. What a great interview. What a great set. What a great sense of humor.

Welcome to the Coteony Universe, the debut of Emo Majoc. Ladies and gentlemen. There you go. That's how it's done. It's exciting. We've come a long way from that first bucket pool. Yeah, he was good. Solid. Solid. Oh, we liquefied him and put him in a drink for Harlan.

Look at that. There he is. That fast. He goes from a solid to a liquid, ladies and gentlemen. Only on kill Tony. Do we have this type of technology? Rogan has a lot of money as a human liquefier in the back. He's bubbly. He's bubbly. He was bubbly on stage, too.

Dark and bubbly. Wow, wonderful. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Ashley Ann, everybody. Here we go. What's up, guys? So I found out my ex was bisexual when I found the grinder app on his phone,

which I thought was just like a GPS app to the gyms and it was to gyms and mics and Tony's that's not why we broke up though it was actually because he's a whore bisexual I can deal with but by loyal absolutely not then I found out my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend she confessed to me that they had had a threesome

which is crazy like they tied her up naked in the bed. She thought she was going to get some kinky good fun, but they actually just forgot she was there and went out just, you know, right next to her, which to me sounds a lot less like a threesome and more like a coming out party that took a hostage. It actually took them two years to admit that all of those things were true too, which is fair if you consider the fact that most people can't admit that they're the problem, let alone admit that they're at the bottom. Wow.

All right, Ashley Ann, getting her revenge on her ex-boyfriend publicly. I'm guessing what, did he introduce you to this show? Totally crush on you, absolutely. What? No. What? He did not.

I haven't talked to that man in a very long time. Okay. How long ago was this breakup? It was like 13 years ago. Oh, wow. This is perhaps one of the craziest ex-girlfriends we've ever had on this show. Wow.

Revenge is sweet, ladies and gentlemen. 13 years she's been plotting and planning. Wow. How long was the relationship? Well, it took me that long to get over the trauma. First of all, I'm now writing about it. You know, release. Maybe like three years.

Okay, so three years held on to it for 13. Yeah, there's a good reason why, but I can't say it publicly. AIDS. AIDS is the answer. That's definitely not it. Okay, good. You can't say, is he famous or something?

Mm-mm. I would tell you, not them. Okay, what a great podcast guest you are. I'm sure the people, the millions of people at home are going to go. Okay, fine, I'll tell you. Perfect. It's my daughter's dad. It's your daughter's dad.

Okay. It was actually eight years ago. I was trying not to be too specific for him, but... So you've answered nothing. Listen, he's in prison, so I mean, he's happy. It's fine. There you go. All right.

This interview's moving at an interesting pace. What's he in prison for? DUI. A DUI. How do you get sent for prison for a DUI? Running away with a car and then running it into the back of another car. Okay. So, all right.

How long is he in prison for? No, he did five years, but he went right back. Why did he go right back? Armed robbery. There it is. Hey, everybody. Seriously, you can't answer the simplest of questions. It's amazing.

Yeah, he thought it was crazy. He never touched a gun a day in his life. He just knew where he wanted to be and how to get there. He's never touched a gun a day in his life. He knew where he had to be. But he did have a gun during the robbery. Okay. Sure did.

All right. Okay. How long is he in prison for this time? I don't care. I don't know. I actually don't know. Perfect. You are literally the worst interview in the history of the show.

This is unbelievable. Listen, when my fiancé watches this, he's going to make fun of me so bad. He's here. He's here. Okay. All right. Yeah, he's probably going to cheat on you in a bisexual threesome. I can see how this is all.

working out, by the way. He's probably going to get himself thrown in prison by doing whatever it takes just so that he doesn't have to deal with you anymore. I'm starting to all make sense, Ashley. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year. A year. All of it here in Austin?

Where do you live? No. I live in DFW. DFW. Dallas? I live in Fort Worth, yeah, but I work all over the place, so. You found a rich cowboy to buy you a 10-carat diamond ring after all that shit? That is a huge. Huge ring monster.

He is legally blind. He had to find me somehow, so. He's actually blind? He is legally blind, yes. Wow. It all makes sense now. Listen, he can see me. He just has no peripheral.

He's like a room boat on low battery. He probably wishes he was deaf. He is a little bit. He's a little bit deaf too? Yeah. Wow. Where did you find this guy? I don't know. My standards were like over here.

like over here. It's an easy question. Where did you meet this guy? A bar. Karaoke. The bar karaoke. What was your song? What were you singing that night?

Fuck. He made me sing some Reba McIntyre. Fancy. You're like Courtney Love. Yeah. More like Courtney. Except I'm a natural blonde. You're a fucking monster.

God. I know. Yeah, I make fun of my blind fiancé a lot. I'm sorry. How did he end up blind and partially deaf? Partially deaf because he sits next to my fucking speakers when I host karaoke Blind he was born he's got RP retinitis pigmentosa Okay so he just was born with full vision and loses it gradually until so he has double pigmatosa

Yeah double pigmatosa yeah Okay, wasn't that one of what is it how do you say it Rettinitis pigmentosa I know it sounds like a Harry Potter spell Ritonitis pigmentosa sounds more like one of Winnie the Pooh's little buddies. Oh, Big Catoza. Yeah, totally. All right, Ashley Ann, I got to keep this thing moving along here.

Here's a really small joke book. Can you catch it? Yes. I'm going to leave it a little bit short because you seem like a walking lawsuit here. There you go. Perfect. Ashley Ann. There you go.

Good God Almighty. All right. Let's get a little pallet cleanser up here, ladies and gentlemen. We've had some giggles with these bucket pools, but now it's time to drop the hammer. I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen,

here doing a spot in the middle of a random episode of Kill Tony, I present to you a man who, one day, perhaps, by the grace of God, will be a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian. assassin. This is Ari Mati! I love thinking always how American movies play in other markets.

Like if you're in Japan and you went to see Oppenheimer. Hummer. No Japanese people in that movie. Just a sexy scientist smoking cigarettes. Should I? Just banging chicks at university. Just click. Back to Bangin.

Or like if you're in Korea and you went to see Marley and me. The whole time you watch that movie, you're like, how long is this meal going to take? Sometimes they rename American movies to fit for the local market, like taken with Liam Neeson. In Albania, it was called normal business guy. Does honest business, until American asshole intervenes.

Schindler's List, uh, Injure, Germany, it was called Shaisa, so close. But my favorite movies are Denzel Washington movies. He makes killing look so easy. He's just a lazy, fat old guy. You're at home eating chips. Yeah, I got it like that. Every Denzel movie is him at a diner

trying to finish a meal. But then a hooker gets in trouble. Every Denzel movie is just him at a diner. Kills 26 people. Takes down a whole syndicate. It's a hot hooker though. You gotta save a hot hooker. Okay, this is an act out of Denzel Washington trying to finish a meal.

But then the hooker who gets in trouble is a fat cow. Ain't nobody saving a fat cow. Thank you guys so much. Wow. Three minutes and 30 seconds. The only human that we allow and that can take the ball and run with it and crush. I'm sorry.

What a presentation. No, we love it. I didn't have time to cut it now. No, it's great. You're fucking, it's a movie chunk right there and we love it. Someone's been watching some movies this week. You look fantastic, you're crushing, life is good. I look like a lead singer and like, you know, like a vampire band.

Yeah. A very emotional band. Death is infinite. Ari, what have you been up to? Yeah, not much. I had my first Halloween in America, you know? I know it's a while ago, but... Yeah.

Yeah, we don't have Halloween in Estonia. We have Russians. Things are scary enough. Do the local Estonians and the Russians, like, what's the difference? Explain to these... One are murder and raping empire, and the other are really nice, intelligent, beautiful people. Wow. Wow.

And you've seen that firsthand, you've seen some Russian pillaging, if you will? Yeah, when I was like 14, I remember I got beat up by these two Russian kids. They were also 14, but in Russia, 14, they got like hair on their knuckles, two kids, a divorce. three jobs, you know. I was like an Estonia 14-year-old. I had a doll, you know. I was doing parkour. No, literally, I was doing parkour.

And then they saw me doing parkour. And they came up to me. And they said in Russian, they go, Estonsky, peteras, which means like Estonian f***, which, I don't know how they already knew. And then what? Did you throw the first punch? No, never.

No. They threw the first punch and then they claimed it was necessary due to NATO, so. I love it. You seem well rested. What have you been up to? Yeah, I went to Mexico for a week. Oh. Yeah.

Look at that. A lot of fans of Mexico here. Wonder why. We have a large Latino fan base here tonight. So a lot of Mexicans that I wish would be. that I wish would come here. Are you in love with a Mexican girl? I fell in love every day, every single day.

Yeah. The way they look at you, too, it's crazy, you know. Like Mexican women, they look at you, like, I'll fuck you, you know. Yeah, they will. I walked around with a killed Tony hoodie, and so many Mexicans would look at my hoodie, look at me, and they would go, hey, what did Tony do?

It was like the main joke. It was so funny. I saw them. Every time I saw them, look at the hoodie. I'm like, here it comes. What did you do? I don't know. That sounded Italian.

Yeah, I went to Cozumel, a beautiful island. And the one I was there for the first night that had such a funny incident where, okay, I Google restaurant, Google Map restaurants. And a lot of restaurants. kosher. You know? Uh-huh. Yes.

Yeah. A lot of kosher. I'm like, what the fuck is? This is Mexico. Fuck kosher, you know. And then I go outside of my hotel. First thing I see in Kozumel, two Jewish guy, full, full Jew, not like adapted, but like,

not hiding at all. Just fool with the things, you know. You know, like. Fool like yeah and they were arguing two Jewish guys arguing with a Mexican guy who he's the guy who rents out scooters and like motorbikes and the Mexican is just when I walk to walk by them the Mexican is saying I keep deposit look scratches I have evidence no scratch here before I have picture look there is scratch and then the jewish guy goes no no we need deposit i also have picture and then they show the picture and then i go and eat about 10 minutes later i see the

jewish guys walking away from there with like a water of money in their hand and then the other one looks at the guy he goes Photoshop is free and so are we just wow so they're like that in mexico too wow Punta Judea. That was just funny. That is incredible. Wow. Amazing.

A racist, huh, Harland? Well, only if you're Jewish or Mexican. But yeah, I had fun, yeah. Halloween party. Did you go to a Halloween party? No, no, no. You got to be careful with Halloween, my guy. Tell me.

Well, you're a... How long you've been in America, my guy? Like one year and a half. One year and a half. Tony will back me up on this red band. The key is to be careful with the costume, okay? Uh-huh. I blew it last year.

I went out dressed as a piñata and went trick-or-treating down in the Latino community. Mm-hmm. And they beat the three musketeers out of me. You know what I... If I could get some kind of noise to put me up. Uh-uh. Funnier.

Funnier. I did go to a Halloween party, and what I noticed is every chick is like a sexy, slutty cat, huh? That's like the only hot animal they can think of. Yeah. There are a lot of chicks that should have been a sexy elephant, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You should have gone to Jeffrey Dahmer's house. He had a bearskin rug.

Funnyer, funnier. But they were like... There were like so many, so many chicks dressed as a sexy cat at this party where I was at, that I, when I was at this party and I saw all these tiddies and pussies out, I kind of understood Islam. Because there would be like all the chicks with the sexy pussy pussy cat out, and then there would be that one chick, you know, dressed like as a banana. You know, just the faces out.

And I would look at her like, fuck, what's under the banana? Yeah, yeah. Creates a little mystery. Just like the burqa. Mysteries just as hot as sluttiness. I couldn't agree more. The banana wins. Ari, you are unbelievable.

What a fucking set. Triple the work that you had to do. This place. Creating stars. If Cam's on SNL, I can't imagine what R.E. Maddie's going to be doing in the very near future. One more time for R.E. Maddie, ladies and gentlemen. Onward, we go. Back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Hemphill.

Here we go. The Opportunity of a Light Time. Yo, I don't know if you could tell by looking at me, but I got my haircut at the lesbian barbershop. shop. They kind of fucked me up, though. It's my fault. They asked me what I wanted. I said, I don't know, just scissor me. I keep seeing ads for male enhancement pills. They're supposed to make your

dick bigger, longer, stronger. I don't know about that. I wish they'd come out with something for female enhancement. Yeah, how about a pill that makes you shut the fuck up? Growing up was weird. My dad, my dad, he was always on this seafood diet where if he got home and he didn't see food on the table, he'd hit my mom.

Shit, man. Life's hard these days. Like, if a white dude wants to be black, they call him a wigger. Right? I'm a white dude, and I really want to be Mexican. What does that make me a weener? Oh, shit. That would make you a white back.

Just to let you know what the funnier punchline is there, Jack Hemp Hill. Welcome, Jack. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. How long you've been doing stand-up? Like two and a half years. Where at? Fucking hitting Creek open mics, green room.

So here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, here in Austin. Nice. What do you do for work? Unemployed right now. Uh-oh. How much money do you have saved? Uh, like 15, 20, you know, just fucking living, bumming, bumming for the rest of the year.

15, 20,000? Yeah. Total. Yeah. So, what's your rent? 1150. 1150. So you have about a year.

That's about half as much as a fender has. I suppose. Or twice as much. Okay, so what's your plan? How are you going to make money, Jack? Oh, shit. I'm going to fucking go to Mexico for the month of December. fucking learn Spanish, come back, and get a sales job or something, I don't know.

Okay. What's your plan? How did Mexico enter the chat exactly? Well, I kind of want to be Mexican, you know? I want to go there, take classes to learn Spanish, take some cooking classes. In one month? Yeah. Yeah, I think I can pull it off.

You don't know Spanish at all? I know a little bit. I grew up in Texas, so I took it in elementary school, middle school, high school. Okay. How old are you? 24? 24 years old. You're unemployed right now, but what was the last job that you had? I was fucking, it was a sales job. Just fucking cold calling, bullshitting, you know, instruction. How long did you have that job for? Like six months. Okay. They fired you? Yeah. Why? I deserved it. Why? Because I kept staying up all night on my phone and then showing up late. for work the next day. Yeah.

What would you be doing on your phone in the middle of the night? Dude, fucking scrolling Instagram Reels. What is your algorithm like? If we looked at your... Really racist.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Anything else? Just racism? Um, fucking jokes. Random bullshit. I don't know.

Like, stuff that is unfulfilling. Just fulfilling enough for me to try and see if there's something better on the next scroll. But nothing. more than that. Midgets with giant tits have entered my algorithm.

I clicked on it one time, one time, and now it's my entire recommended page. And I don't know exactly how or why, but I do keep clicking on it and staring at them. So wait, you've been, you're out of work right now? Yeah. Dude, it breaks my heart. And I'm going to be emotional here.

And I think you people are there. It breaks my heart to see. Natalie Portman out of work. Yeah, you look like the meanest lesbian at a lesbian bar, man. You're awesome. Thank you. Really does.

You would probably get a job at like medieval times or something like that, like. Probably. I know, I can't juggle, but I'll learn if they pay enough. Have you ever put your lips on the front of a Tesla and just sucked? What part exactly would he suck on? The hood.

The what? The hood. Oh, the hood. Because that's the biggest area for his giant Natalie Portman's suckmouth. Okay. What is your love life like? What are you into? I mean, honestly, I'd catch a lot of lesbians.

You know? Uh-huh. But seriously. Not recently. I mean, recently, I mean, my only options are, like, dating apps, and I feel like the fucking app runners are like digital e-pimps, you know, selling twat and I don't, I don't want to be a digital, like, sim. What's the last date you went on?

The last hookup you had, perhaps. I fucking 37-year-old lady at, like, South by Southwest. At South by Southwest? Yeah, just like there on location? Or you met her there? There's like a bar show. Yeah, I just met her there. What she looked like?

Dude, she fucking... When it starts with dude, you know, it's going to be. be good. Dude, she was wide, right? And, like, looked fat under her clothes, but she had a flat stomach. It was weird. It was a weird body type. Big old titties. She smelled like corn tortillas and pizole.

It was pretty nice. Torto. Yeah. Yeah, you can say that. Yeah. Sick. It was a Latina? Yeah, for sure. Okay. How do you think she felt looking up and seeing she's fucking Natalie Portman with an altar boy's mustache? So how did that, how did that, where exactly did that sexual hookup take place?

At her place? At her place. Herpes? At her place. I'm sorry. I thought I heard herpes. You did. You did hear herpes.

Her place. So how did that, how did that end? Did you last long? Stop talking to her. Oh, okay, perfect. Well, that's not exactly, though. All right, Jack. Well, congratulations.

Here's a medium-sized joke book for you. Jack Hemp Hill, everybody. Her place. All right, keeping it moving along. Make some noise for your next. Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi. Check out our podcast.

Love on the line at Heidiregina.com. Let's make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Doc Ferry, everybody. Anything can happen. It's Doc Ferry. I love pussy. I just can't stand you fucking bitches. Let me explain.

I'm surrounded by females. I got nine aunts, only two uncles. I got three ex-wives. I got four daughters, no sons, and I got seven grandkids, six, which are girls. So what I'm trying to tell you, ladies, is I'm on to your fucking bullshit, and y'all are fucking crazy.

Let me give you an example. My dad caught me smoking a cigarette when I was younger. He made me smoke the whole pack in front of. of them. I get it. You know, punishment fits the crime. Now my mother, she caught me jerking off in the bathroom. She made me, I can't look my uncle in the eyes to this day. It was horrible. My dumb-ass wife asked me a dumb-ass question. She said, do you have a favorite song? I said, yeah, you want to hear it? She said, yeah. I said, all right, here it goes. Second verse, same as the first.

She said, that's not a song. I said, it's music to my ears, bitch. Now suck my cock. Thank you very much. My name's God. Wow. Oh, my God. Nick.

You just turned every pussy in this place to sand. Good job. It's frightening. Who says ISIS doesn't have a sense of humor? Sir, you're still crouching and I can see you. There you. Doc, welcome. You've been on this show before, right? About two months ago.

Okay, well, welcome back. Remind us. How long you've been doing stand-up? About two years now. Two years. And what do you do for work? I am going to school currently for H-VAC. H-VAC. You're going to learn H-VAC. Well, that's sucked. See what I did there? What were you going to do? I was going to say the exact same thing. Yeah, exactly.

My brother. There we are. Thanks for standing erect. There she is. But that, someone that dresses like a banana for Halloween. Anyway. So, Doc, is that true what you said? You have three ex-wives and four daughters?

Three-ex wives, four daughters. How do these marriages all end? Horrible. Yeah, give us a little breakdown. My first wife was my high school sweetheart. She, I actually lost my virginity to her, which was ironic because 10 years later, I lost my car, my kids, half my money for 16 years. Yeah. My second wife was the meanest woman, walk in the face of the earth, still is.

She's in Germany. She's German, true German. I don't need to say any more about that. She was rough. She was the worst. She was the meanest. She was the meanest. I actually, we talked about this before, but I got.

PTSD after going to war three times with the military from the ex-wives. Wow. So I went to therapy and everything. Can you give us an example of what type of, I believe she was on the show earlier, by the way. How did I think about it? Is her name Ashley Ann by any chance? I can tell you this. I can tell you horrible things because it's not just the ex-wives.

I don't date anymore. I'm done with women. they're fucking just obnoxious. I can't fucking take sorry ladies, get your sisters together, okay? Because they're fucking up. So, here's some shit. Sorry

ladies. Not a chance. Sorry, girls. You're not getting a shot at them. I'll be outside after. I'm available. I'm single. Hey, do your hands get bigger every time you beat the shit out of one of your wives? You got myths on you, dude. Just gets flatter right here. You ever lay in bed at night, rub your beard, and pretend you're fingering a girl from the 70s?

That's a good question. You're on to me. Does it show? Yeah. Exactly, I do that. Keep telling us about the most traumatic wife you have. Well, the most traumatic wife, things that she did. The last two years of our marriage, I was locked in the basement, scared to death of her, she would come to work and she would show her ass.

I mean bad. She didn't care who was there. She just act a fool up and down. What does that mean exactly? What does that mean to you? What exactly would she do? Here's a good example. You guys worked together at the time?

No. She would go to her work. She came to my work. Right. Which at the time was what? In the military. Oh, she would show up to a military base. Okay, go ahead.

And she would act crazy. But one of the things that happened while I was in the military and married to her was, I was in the bathroom taking a shower. and she literally kicks in the door, right? And I look like this, and she goes, I want you to take the shower on your knees.

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? She said, the sound of the water is going to wake the baby. I said, get the fuck out of the bat. She was serious. Who are you married to, fat bastard? What the fuck are you talking about? It's Fiona. It's Fiona.

Talked about. When she got mad, that's what she sounded like. It was horrible, and she was mad all the things. time. Wow. What ethnicity are you exactly? I am half white and half Mexican. Half white, half Mexican. Okay, tell us about the third wife. Third wife was the whore. We went in depth with this. Oh. Yeah, this one was, I'll just give it quick. Yeah. She put her, well, I was contracting overseas. She was back here putting yourself on Craigslist Personals. Uh-huh. And she was dating a lot of people, usually five to seven guys at a time. And so when I came back, I said, you know, why,

did you do it? And she was like, well, the relationship had just lost its romance. I was like, good luck finding a romantic gang bang, bitch. And then I thought, oh, holy shit, I gave her permission. You know, I didn't know if a romantic gang bang was a real thing. So I had to go to a porn hub. I went to porn hub and put romantic gang bang in the search bar. And I tell you what, it took me 15 hours, a half bottle of Juergens, and a trip to the emergency room. And by God, I was right. She's a nasty bitch. Wait, you ended up in the emergency room? Are you making a joke?

I'm making a joke. Okay. I can never... But she's a bitch. In the end. Okay. Doc. Let me ask you this, because you seem to really hate women at this point. I am not fond of them. Right. What's the last date you went on? Have you ever had a positive interaction as late with a woman at all? Do you kind of go into it thinking this isn't going to work? No, I go in there with a very positive attitude. Okay, so what's that like... Can you give us an example of a recent date that you went on where?

I haven't dated in two years. You haven't been on a date in two years. Have you hooked up with anybody in the last two years? Not at all. Not at South by Southwest? December 22. What happened in December of 22? That was the last time I got late.

That's the last date I had. How did that happen? What went down there? She was a girlfriend and she just got jealous because I had, I live in Bernie, so there's a lot of money over there. so the main house has seven bedrooms. And so I, you know, pick up some people sometimes, and they live there. So I had a friend who was a female who lived there.

Hold on. Time out. Time out, time, time, time, time. You said the main house has seven bedrooms. Right. That's your house? Yeah. You live there. Yeah. By yourself.

Well, my brother lives there. I got my daughter now with four of my grandkids and her husband. Mexican. But it's your house. It's my house. Right. How were you able to afford a seven-bedroom house in Bernie? I was working overseas.

I was contracting. I was making a quarter million a year for like eight years. Okay. Fuck yeah. Look at you. Well, I was a protection service for the ambassador. The ambassador of what? Of Afghanistan.

The U.S. ambassador. You protected the ambassador of Afghanistan. You got this weird-looking guy off to the side there. I'm like him, only like way better. I'm pretty sure that guy would rip your fucking arms out of your sockets there. Doc. Pretty sure he would Just absolutely do whatever he wanted to you

Yes, I'm getting older now I used to be a little bit more in shape But not anymore I'm giving it to the younger one How old are you, Doc? 56. 56. Tell us what recently, what's,

tell us how age is affecting you as of late. It's the most recent. Yeah, okay, I piss funny now. When you say you piss funny, what exactly do you mean? That means I got to piss really bad but I just pissed two minutes ago. So I go to go to the bathroom again

and a dribble a little bit and then, come on. You know, nothing comes out. And then I go back again, then I don't pee for an hour, and then it's just kind of up and down, up and down. So I thought I might have a prostate problem. Uh-huh.

I didn't even think about this story. I got d-peed at the urologist. Tell us about that. All right. So I go in and I have this pee problem. I don't know what's going on. So I'm like, Man, they're going to try and, I don't know what's going to happen, but I think they're going to try and go up my dick, and I don't want that to happen.

So I've kind of stayed away from things like that. So I go in, and they're going to a room, mood lights and everything. I'm not comfortable. They put me on my side, and then they take this wand with like a baseball-type thing on there, and they shove it in my ass. Uh-huh. Okay? I hate to tell you this, buddy. You are at Ruth Chris Steakhouse. I knew there was something wrong with the coupon. Invite D-Back. Hell, yeah.

All right, keep going, Doc. So, this guy puts this thing in my ass, and then not only that, but now he's, you know, he's moving it around and doing it. And I'm just, like, holding on. I'm just holding on. I'm like, okay. So then at the end, poop, pulls it out.

That hurt. And I was like, oh, thank goodness. I said, and I kind of joked, cleaned up and joked with the guy. I thought I was going to get something in my p-hole. He said, that's the next room. And I said, fuck me. So I go into the next room and swear to God, this is true.

They have the tray. There's like a mound of the goo of the gel. And the thing that's going to go in my pee-hole looks like the wand at a car wash. It's that. You said the word of the day. Car-wash is the word of the day. You dried up all the pussies,

and you shriveled up all the cocks, my head. That is true. That is true. We're going to have a calmer world after this show. The most unfuckable man on the planet right now. No wonder these women hate you. I'm going to make you shower on your fucking knees tonight, Doc. Shower on your knees.

You're going to wake in the baby. All right, Doc, we got to keep it moving. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There goes Doc, everybody. It's a lot of, you might think that this episode is like a psychiatry office or something tonight. And it kind of is.

There's a lot of, you know, a lot of wild people get into stand-up. It's a crazy thing. Anything can happen. Canada's Wonderland is bringing the holiday magic this season with Winterfest on select nights now through January 3rd. Step into a winter wonderland filled with millions of dazzling lights, festive shows, rides, and holiday treats. Plus, Coca-Cola is back with Canada's kindest community, celebrating acts of kindness

nationwide with a chance at 100,000 donation for the winning community and a 2026 holiday caravan stop learn more at canadaswunderland.com make some noise to your next bucket pull it's jack mc williams everyone jack i uh i hooked up with a girl who put on music to set the mood I was about to go down on her when the song Cola by Lana Del Rey came on. For those that don't know, the first line of that sexy song is My pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola.

So that threw me off, I'll be honest. I was not expecting her to taste like the choice of a new generation. Didn't seem sexy to me, but I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I just asked her, can I go down on you? She said, is Pepsi okay? Not my first choice, you know?

I ordered a nice cold cock, let me hear you fellas. Homophobic crowd. Seriously, there's no way that Lana Del Rey thinks it's sexy and it tastes like nobody's favorite beverage, right? That's got to be an advertisement for Pepsi. That product placement sticks out more than a shockingly clean car on the Walking Dead. I'm watching that show like,

how did they get a brand new Chevy Silverado in the fifth year of a zombie apocalypse? All right, I'm Jack McWilliams. Thanks so much. Jack McWilliams. This guy seems stable.

He looks like a comedian. He acts like a comedian. He moves like a comedian. Doing jokes. This is a relief out of this bucket tonight, check. How long you've been doing stand-up? 10 years this Valentine's Day.

10 years this Valentine's Day. What made you start on Valentine's Day 10 years ago? That was the day when I just, there was an open mic, and I clearly was single. Yeah. I love it. So 10 years, where'd you start at? I was in Bloomington, Indiana when I was in college, but I was in Chicago for eight years. Okay.

You live here now? So I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl who lives in Austin, and I'm a golf caddy, so I go like six months at a time. Nice. I was just passed on another callback. to be a door guy here literally tonight so oh wow hopefully I get that oh that's amazing fuck yeah that'd be great what an amazing thing happening here yeah hire him the guy charge this guy I love it yeah Adam he get yes um so you met Adam tonight you got met him last Monday and he told you to come back right for another one tonight and you did

good tonight yep and he said you have a chance of being a door guy yeah he said he has to check his thing yeah they have to do a little little FBI, little research. Right. It was like, you said jokes, you look stable, but let's really find it out. We'll give you a month to... Now, they'd go through a high-level research thing. Right. I've got to battle eight different jujitsu... Yeah, exactly.

Rogan's Club, the video game. I've got a month to get it all down, so I think I'm a shoe in. What do you mean you got a month? To learn all the jujitsu. Oh, exactly. Just a little jujitsu riff. We'll get back. No, totally. I love it, Jack.

So you're a professional golf caddy. Yes. And how long have you been in a relationship with a girl from Austin? Two years next month. Nice. What does she do? She works at H.E.B. She's a manager of the... She's an American hero is what she is. That's right.

Wait, what's H.E.B. You don't know about H.E.B., Harlan? We're Canadian. We don't know what that is. You're Canadian, too? I'm just a piece of shit French Canadian. I'm like half. Wow. I'm French Canadian.

too. Oh, my God. What's at HPB? No, H-EB. H-P-V. H-P-V. H-E-B is the world's greatest grocery store, ladies and gentlemen. Now, it sounds like, hey, what do you mean?

World's greatest grocery store. Like, what does that even? All grocery stores are created equal. Well, my friend, every single thing in H-E-B is better than every single thing anywhere else. literally in every single way. If anything has the H.E.B. logo on it, even if it looks like it's generic, it's better than the actual product that it's competing with.

Can I ask a question? You can ask any question you'd like. I would love to answer it. We love H.E.B. That is not even a paid sponsorship, by the way. That is just our hearts. And it is a rizabeth. A fucking unbelievable.

Can I tell you something? 22 layers. Good fucking luck, buddy. I put one in the oven on my way here. No, yeah. I slow cook it. I put it on before the show. I come to sound check.

Yeah. Good fucking luck, you French Canadian. You'll never get up to 22 layers. You would need a goddamn crane to pull off such a feat. The lasagna. Layer, I barely know. Did your girl ever bring home any sort? special treats from H.E.B. Some exclusive treats. Perhaps they're

unbelievable jalapeno stuffed peppers. Stuffed jalapeno. Poppers. It's actually my pet nickname for my girlfriend. Indeed. Yeah, we always shop at H.E.B. What are some of your favorite things from H.E.B? Tell these Canadians, what the fuck is going on here? Let's see.

I'm having... Hey, Adam E. Get me, be quiet. I'm having trouble thinking of a specific thing but she just went through the management training and I know that they like spend years with like a group of scientists developing their products as good if not better than like normal products like Doritos they only hold Doritos because then everybody needs to still shop at HB

because they want to Harlan get with the program man so it's like science food yes that's the perfect way to describe it but like they'll develop a product for years before they release it, making sure that it's superior to whatever they're trying to replicate. So like, look, it's, it's real. What you have to understand is that it's real. And it's a fucking anomaly.

And you kind of hear about it when you first get here. You know, I'm Red Band and I've been here five fucking years now. And you learn a lot, H.E.B. And different HEBs actually have different specialists and chefs and cooks and stuff that specialize in different things. For example, speaking of Bernie, I was at my buddy's ranch in Bernie a couple weeks ago, and it turns out of their bakery is literally out of fucking control to where the guy, my buddy Nick's dad, is like, hey, man, you got to try these motherfucking snickadoodles, baby. And I'm like, I'm not a big cookie guy.

I'm not into sweets. He's like, no, you got to try the fucking snickadoodles from the H.E.B. baby, the lady at the bakery at this H.E.B. here in Bernie out of fucking control. and I ate like 72 fucking Snickerdoodle cookies. It was like I was wasted on Snickerdoodles. What does HPB even stand for? It's pronounced

HPV is what it is. Don't you guys dare fucking take this grocery store's name in vain. What does it mean? What is it? What is the letter? Human papillomavirus. People call it hear everything's better but I believe it's just after somebody's name. It is and

you're not going to believe the name. I believe it is, is it Herbert, Herbert E. Butts, ladies and gentlemen, B-U-T-S, motherfuckers. Yeah, that's where I want to shop. There's Red Band's one fart noise. Thank you. The buttered tortillas, my girlfriend makes breakfast. Yeah.

The place goes wild. And they make them fresh. I know. And again, I imagine that the people listen. around the world right now we're going shut the fuck up there's no way you guys have a superior grocery store fuck you do it's an anomaly it's just one of the things we also have as you may know a superior gas station our grocery stores our gas station our tax breaks our real estate our booming economy so many things are better

here in Texas like I shop down the street at wallie eats ass how about that Yeah. Oh, it's Howard. I thought it was Herbert, because that sounds cooler than Howard, but it's Howard E. Butts. Yeah. So we were going to... My girlfriend and I were going to have her move up to Chicago in June if something didn't take off comedy-wise for me. And she was like, I don't know where I'm going to work, where I'm going to shop.

And I was just like, yeah, we got Jewel Osko, but that sucks compared to H.E.B. Yeah, there's no comparison. Are you sure you're just not a valet in Key Largo? Do have that vibe. Somehow you look like you might be, guy. Yeah. It's a golf caddy. Are there any promising golf caddy positions here in Austin?

I work at Spanish Oaks. Oh, nice. So you already work here. Fucking perfect, man. So I go six months at a time. You're doing it. Oh, I play the least amount of golf I ever have now that a caddy. So like bogey golf, but I was like a 10 in college.

So good enough to keep up and have fun. Perfect. Looks like you smash it. Yeah. Yeah. You do, Jack. Congratulations, Jack, a fantastic performance. Jack, are you around Wednesday for a secret show?

Boom, join the secret show. Boom, on a real gig. Very possibly the newest door guy here at the mothership. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Boom. Jack McWilliams, getting real gigs. That's how possible things are with just a little bit of jokes and mental stability.

you can actually have good things happen to you on this show this bucket pool is representing the inside but I believe they've already wrangled her ladies and gentlemen representing the audience make some noise for Paula everybody here we go Hi I'm gonna do something a little different here I'm not going to talk about the number one topic usually on this show which is Dix. I'm going to talk about a former Olympic sport. You might not notice, but I was a

competitive athlete at one point. I'm kind of surprised too. Anybody want to guess what sport that might have been? No. Synchronized sports. swimming. That's what made me question the Olympics. If I could do it, I'm not convinced. Oh, gosh. So what made me realize that I couldn't take my gift to the next step was because I hated getting my hair wet. One more. One more joke. All right, I'm going to save you here, Paula. Go ahead. And now, even though the bear is played, go ahead.

Do the one more. How long do you think the one more is? Just 20 seconds. Okay, here we go. 20 seconds, Paula. Have you noticed that nothing lasts anymore? Your car, five to seven years, your phone, two to three years. Your washing machine, five years.

It's a revolving door for constant, revenue. I think it all started with tidy whitties. They were white. And, oh, there was one more part to that. Anyway, it was impossible

to hide your biohazards. All right, Paula. Chimony crickets. Good Lord, Almighty, Paula, I got to tell you, you are the opposite of an H.E.B. Paula, grab that microphone.

You're in the interview part now. Have you ever done stand-up before? Never. What made you want to sign up for this here tonight? What in the world would make you want to sign up for this? I watched the show for at least five years, and I thought it would be kind of fun. How did it feel? How does it feel?

You're in it right now. I was a little nervous back there, but it's okay. Okay. Paula, let's talk about your life. You've seen the show. Obviously, the set didn't go that good, but you can save it with an amazing interview. I got some stuff.

OK, tell us about your life, Paula. All right. I like your haircut. Thank you. You look like what Uma Thurman and Pulp Fiction would have looked like if she would have died all the way from the overdose. If Travolta didn't hit her right in the heart with that syringe.

That would have been you. It's nice to see the child. from Chitty Chitty Bang Making a comeback. What? What is Chitty Chitty? Tony wasn't even old. Lollipops, ice cream, all free today.

What are these references? Lollipops, ice cream. Come on, children, all three today. We're going to have to overlay on the YouTube show. One of the worst villains of all time, the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Chitty bang bang. I don't know anything about this. If you put a top hat on that, that's

it. Oh my God, I do see it. The red band has pulled it up and indeed you look like the chitty. Lollipop. Ice cream. No, no, free today.

Wow. Absolutely amazing. Children, come out, children. Okay, all right. We get the Well, it's going a lot better than her. And by the way, can you do one more when you haven't done the first one yet?

Oh, that's great. Lollipops, all free today, children. It's incredible. Harlan is so funny that he's able to kill with an impression that nobody's ever even seen before. This is amazing. So, Paula, tell us about your life. What's a fun fact about your life?

life? Um, my dad's brother was killed by the mob. Oh my god. Wow. Oh, I fucked up. Yeah. Lollipops. Graveyards, shallow graves, all free today.

Okay, but what about you, Paula? Let's talk about you. You look like you've been through about nine or ten divorces or something like that. No, I'm kidding. All right. Let's hear it, Paula. What you've been doing with your life? I've been on Steve Harvey before.

What were you doing on Steve Harvey's show? Divorcing Pee-Wey Herman. She said she was on Steve Harvey. Put it together. I submitted and asked Steve. Okay. And then they called me. and they interviewed me and then we did that on the show.

Okay. All right. What was the, what did you want to ask, Steve? It was, it was probably back in like 2015 or 16, but it was something about, it was when one of our kids was in college and he lived in a walk-up and we had never been. in the place, but we were paying the rent, and he wouldn't let us in. We had to sit on the stoop. And so that's what the question was regarding, and then Steve Harvey went on. All right, Paula. This is amazing, Paula. Sorry. Are you sure you've seen this show, Paula? Yes. Okay. All right. How many kids do you have? Two. What did you do for work your entire life? She's got all the kids.

She's the child catcher. Hold on. Okay, all right, enough of the... I'll do it again, watch it. Okay, we got it. All three today, children. Answer the fucking question, Paula. I did.

I tried. I was a fitness trainer for a while. Okay, fitness trainer, and then what? You got married, stopped working, had kids? No, no, I was when my kids were old. Okay. How old are your kids now? One is almost 40 and one is in his 30s.

Okay. Cool. And you have a boyfriend now? I'm married. You're married. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? I don't... Okay.

Jesus, fucking great. Paula, here's a little joke book. Get out of here. Get off of me. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch? Here we go. Oh!

Boom! She's an Olympian. Paula Samedic, great catch. She really is an athlete. Jesus, fucking Christ. Some wild bucket pulls tonight, folks. This is what the show is. Sometimes it's home run derby,

and sometimes it's Strikeout City. You never know what's going to happen here. All right. It appears to be your final bucket pull of the night. Your third female comedian of the night goes by the name, Jenny Ann, everybody. Here we go.

Hi, everybody. Hello. So I've been thinking about my celebrity doppelganger, and I finally found it. It's the nerd emoji. Yeah, I've been a nerd for a really long time. back when the internet asked women one question you probably know was it hot were you hot or were you not yeah I was on a scale of one to ten and I was a nine

yeah don't laugh I was nine years old okay Epstein now I'm an adult in the internet asks me more questions like What's your name? What's your social security number? Are you a girl boss? Are you a trad wife? And I'm like, I'm single and tired. I'm so exhausted. I'm outsourcing all my decisions to AI. I'm scared I'm actually turning into a robot. Eventually, I think the question might be not, are you hot or not, but are you a bot or not? Thank you. God, fucking strike me down.

Just slit my fucking throat. I think I might be able to save this one. Can I see your picture here? If you do the fucking thing, I'm going to blow my brains out. Oh my God, you're going to... Lolletlaw, all three today, children. I saved it. Fuck off, I saved.

That is amazing. Jenny Ann, you've been on this show before. for, correct? Yeah, I sold a 69 Mustang on your show. Oh, that's right. You pitched a 69 Mustang, and then you ended up selling it. Yeah, to a dad and his sons, and they're going to fix it up. Nice, very good.

How excited. What else is going on in your life, Jenny? You've had enough time to maybe think about what else you could have talked about in the interview portion of this show since the last time you were on. Any fun facts about your life or anything interesting about you? I don't know where to begin. any one of the things would be where to begin

any one of the things I used to run a lot and I ran in college and then after college I was briefly a shoe model for Hoka shoes oh wow

how much did that pay? How much does a shoe model pay? Is your face in the things or is it like no you know We were chased by a giant marshmallow to explain how soft coca shoes was. Wow. Well, I have good news. The giant marshmallow sits right next to me now.

This is him. Damn you, Ghostbusters. Isn't it like a shoe model like a mannequin can do that, right? Like you don't... Yeah, I mean, we just... It's just the shoe. It was just us. We like ran around on a track

and like a giant marshmallow. How about anything else interesting? about you, Jenny. Anything else about your life? What's your dating life like? You seem like the third craziest woman that's been on the show tonight. Thank you.

My dating life is... I'm starting to date more, so that's good. What are you doing to do that? Are you on the apps or something? Yeah, I am on the apps. Okay. Is your avatar the nerd emoji? What does your bio say on these apps?

basically looking for someone who likes to make things and go on long walks and get coffee. Wow. No, so boring. This is one foxy dork right here, Tony. Jesus Christ. Are we hitting it off? Yeah, keep looking at me.

I'm married, I can't, but goddamn. I still think she's like a dominatrix or something. Yeah, it's something. I think she's got a Gilligan's Island fetish. Oh, another super topical Harlan reference. We've eeked our way to the early 70s, ladies and gentlemen. I'm this close to pulling out the lollipaw. Oh, my God.

All right. So, Jenny, give us an example. Like, the last date that you went on, what was that? You matched with somebody, and then you met them for coffee or something? Yeah, we went for a walk. on Lady Bird Lake. Okay. Don't worry, I'm not the Lady Bird Lake killer.

All right. Keep going. Keep going, Jenny. That's not funny. Just keep going. It's just crazy. It's crazy what's going on here tonight. It's the least funniest people.

Like, I'm going to sign up for Kill Tony. I've never had narcolepsy, but I think I'm about to get it real quick. What? Okay. Let him sleep before he does the lollipops thing. Lollipop. Nice. You all be today, children.

All right, okay. So Jenny, you went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake, and then the date, what happened? I told him about what I did last week. Uh-huh. What did you do the week before? I went to Las Vegas to help sell AI guns. Okay. All right.

Okay. So then what happened on the fucking day, Jenny? Jesus, God. Somehow I made him laugh. All right. Tony, she's boring. Yeah, it is incredible. God damn, she's...

Jenny, last question I could possibly ask you before we... I think this might be a new thing, just the new wait-a-year program. Before I put you on a year of no sign-up allowance. Bring back, blacklist. Give us something fucking interesting about your entire life. Anything could work right now. Anything.

It was the car, wasn't it? You sold a Mustang, and that was it. That was your entire personality last time you were on. And now you're back. Yeah, I'm back. You've seen the show before. I watch it every Monday. And you see, like, I'll ask somebody a question,

and then they'll answer honestly, and I'll say something. I'm answering honestly. Okay, most interesting thing about your fucking life. 200 body count. Again, we keep answering for you here, Jenny, Ann. You're not saying anything while claiming that you're answering honestly. It's normally not this hard. You can say anything.

Any fucking thing. Any fucking thing about your entire fucking life. I think it's interesting that I sold AI guns last week. Okay, there she goes. Jenny Ann, a year. You'll have to wait a year to see her big return. Holy shit. There she goes.

Golly gee. What the fuck? You know, if I was a fan of this show, I'd be thinking maybe it's burnt out. You know what I mean? Maybe just maybe. Maybe they ran their course. In the end, it was just a bunch of crazy people

signing up for the chance to do a minute. But let me remind you, we find stars almost every other week or so. There's another fucking absolute monster, monster comedian that we find. Dedrick Flynn has the week off. He's in Atlanta with his family. For those of you that are fans of the show, may I say, we have a book to recommend. The great Louis C.K. wrote a book. It's called Ingram, everybody.

read it. It's amazing. You should read it. Why not read a book while listening to your favorite podcast, Kill Tony. How about a hand for Louis C.K. Ladies and Shiland, it's an amazing book. You're going to love it. Harlan, what were you going to say there? No, it's the moments past, I was more, like, entertaining than... Yeah, it literally was the highlight of her set. That was the most interesting thing she did, really. Yeah. Anyway, uh, we can always on our regulars. The great R.E. Maddie performed earlier, and the only way to end a show like this is with the Hall of Famer with a record for the most appearances on this show, the most interviews during the show's history. And he is here again. Ladies and gentlemen, closing us out, it's the

Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. everybody. Did y'all know that a woman discovered Kevlar? And then she said, I'll just turn this into a little vest. I recently asked ChatGPT if AI would one day replace Red Band's job as podcast producer, and it responded, you mean Red Band hasn't been replaced yet? I watched Donnie Darko dubbed in French the other day,

and I definitely didn't know what the fuck was going on. My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to sit on the couch and watch Bravo, bra. My girl don't need a sports, bra. She needs to call the American Idol hotline and issue a bomb threat, bra. Okay. my time. Thank you, Toadie.

In and out, William Montgomery. William, have you watched any of tonight's show? Have you seen any of it? Sometimes you're... So, just a little of it. I haven't been paying attention, but what a bunch of kind of weirdo kind of people, right? Yeah. Psycho bitches. Yeah. Psycho bitches. That last girl, she seemed strange. When she was walking out, I just touched her shoulder, just trying to be nice. And then I went on with what I was

doing and I turned around and she was just sitting there staring at me and I was like okay bitch keep walking I was trying to be nice I was trying to be nice bitch what the fuck it is wild proof that the bucket is real that anything can happen because if these things were

pre-picked or produced at all clearly none of that I like Dimo Majoc the extremely black man and yeah the catty that Jack McWilliams was fun But, and then it's just, you and Ari Maddie.

Yeah, well, I've been so busy up there. I've been hanging out with Ari Maddie's friend, also from Estonia. He will not get off my back in the green room. He's, it's Tony. There's an Estonian comedian that's annoying you in the green room. It's really, no, I'm kidding. He's been very nice. I only briefly said hello, but he seems very good.

Oh, yeah, don't even. What have I been doing up there tonight, Tony? I'm trying to even think about what I've even been doing up there tonight. Not a lot. You're asking me what you've been doing in the green room while we've been taping the show? Huh?

Nothing. All right. William, how's life been going for you? What have you been up to? Not good, Tony. Well, it's not funny. No, not good. I've got to snap out of it.

I haven't done the fucking row machine in three weeks. I've been fucking... What made you stop rowing? Get my sciatic nerve, and then I just, I was worried. I was going to just stop doing it. Now I've just stopped doing it. So I've got to get back. I've been to this horrible thunk.

I've been in it for three weeks now, so I just got to get out of it, Tony. I've been on fucking eBay. I bought all the fucking Oriental rugs. I can literally fit in my place. And now I'm on to lamps. Now I'm buying a bunch of lamps on fucking eBay. But I'm a little worried because I got this really cool, kind of old-school-looking ashtray, and I got, the package finally arrived.

today and it was broken. Why didn't you buy it from me, William? We're fucking friends, man. Yeah, you could go to Nick Rochefort's antique store at Chamonix House. The fuck are you talking about? You told me, no, you don't have very good looking rugs. I looked at your fucking rugs.

I have good looking rugs. It's great rugs. C-H-A-M-O-N-I-X house. And you went on fucking eBay behind my bag, man. Yeah, I got on fucking eBay, and they smell like shit. All of them smell like shit. They all smell moldy. I should have bought one.

What kind of lamps have you bought off? eBay this week. Oh my gosh. I got one that looks like a duck, a brass looking duck. I've got a one that looks like another Oriental. It's another Oriental thing. It's a it looks like a it's some sort of cookie jar, it's some sort of jar that that yeah, I got to get a got to get a lampshades. I've been looking on this lampshade website and that's real kind of boring. I mean they got different kind of lampshades. They got ones that kind of look like a cylinder her uh they also got ones with like a small top yeah what else what other kinds do they have i don't know there can make to make something up here it's getting laughs

like spherical more shit yeah there's also uh fiber optic stuff Yeah, I'm getting fiber optic out in my apartment, Tony. Sorry, yeah, it was just so boring. It's hard to even do that. I heard, I saw something on social media the other day that you were sitting in your living room the other night and an owl smashed into your window. Is that true?

It is true, and it's very weird. I didn't know if it was a demonic kind of thing. I didn't really understand because I've literally in my car recently, all these birds hit my side window. Literally, when I met like a red light, birds will just start going into my fucking side window. And now it's happening in my apartment.

And now it's happening with owls. Now it's happening with owls. Now it's happening with all different kinds of birds they have around here. Seriously. You're not dating Alfred Hitchcock, are you? Another old reference. Oh, it's the late 50s, no big deal. You want to go to Arby's later? Yeah.

Double beef and chival. Ketter. Ooh, steak bites. I love the Arby's steak bites. Oh, you do? What else do you love from Arby's? Motherfucking Jamoka Shake, Tony! Whoa! No, but that's all I really love. I really do love a Jamoka Shake. That's it? Just do that right there. What do they call? No, nothing else from Arby's what do you call them? A Jamoka Shay, Carla! That's how I order them and the birds are fucking flying into my window dying. Seriously, it's been a weird... That's why I've been down recently, Tony. It's weird. Birds have been flying into your windows.

Correct. And now it's on some social media stuff. There must be some... You heard about that whole... I saw that. I also heard an ostrich ran up your ass. Is there something that you're leaving out, perhaps? Do you have some type of food that you've left out?

Why would birds fly into your windows? Have you... Is there something going... Energy thing, I think, Tony. Wow. Worried about, yeah. Don't they say if a bird flies... into your house, it means somebody's going to die.

And I don't want to be morbid, but isn't that like a thing? Yeah. God, I've been watching a whole bunch of fucking police cam videos. That's what I've been doing. And dear Lord, Tony, right before this, again, I kind of haven't been feeling great. And I'm watching this one. I didn't even click on the next

video, just goes on, and it's these two police officers, and there's this crazy guy, won't roll down the window to give the fucking driver's license, and then they end up breaking out the window, and then he shoots the one guy in the neck and the stomach. And then it shows a process of them blocking off the roads with the other police cruisers from their fucking police cams.

It was police scams everywhere. But it kind of didn't help my mood before I got here. What's that got to do with a bird? A lot of people say you laugh like an owl. Okay. Well, I mean, you recommend the book. Respond. Ingram by Louis C.K. one more time,

since a lot of people have decided to take up reading instead of watching Kill Tony. We want to say a fond farewell to the millions of people that believed in us for a long time. William, you might have to start rowing again, buddy. Yeah, I have to. Yeah. I have to.

Yeah. Do you think, I noticed that three weeks ago, you stopped rowing. And three weeks ago was also about the same timeline as that one show that you did. Do you think there's any correlation to you stopping working out, birds flying into your windows, do you think there's any correlation between

what is being considered, you know, a very viral moment for you, and all of these things, Birds flying into your windows, owls, all these things. He's tearing up. He's tearing up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you trying to make yourself cry, right? Some witchy bitch? Put a spell on you, Will. William, are you trying to make yourself cry right now? Some witch's bitch. Oh, William, don't try to make yourself cry. This is a first in the history of the show. William has never gone to acting school.

He's never taken an acting class. acting class. He's never talked to an acting coach and he's trying to make himself cry. I was really crying the other morning, Tony. Tell us why you were crying. No. Come on. It's okay. You tell us. No. Come on. I can never. Not in this situation. No. All right. Fine. Yeah. Well, the world. What the fuck? No. You stupid asshole. Somebody killed this guy. There it is, William Montgomery. This is been another episode of Kill Tony.

Brought you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. The Moody Center is New Year's Eve. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Ooh, Timmy No Breaks. Look at that. Guys, make sure you listen to the Harland Highway podcast with Harlan Williams.

Harlan, anything else you want to plug? You're on tour? I'm on tour. I'm doing theaters with the Killers that Kill Tony. And in 2026, I will be doing my own Comzilla comedy tour all over the country. Check out Harlan Williams.com.

And lastly, my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman is coming out in 2026. Keep your eyes open for it. It's going to be great. Harley directed and wrote the movie. It is incredible. Nick Rochefort, ladies and gentlemen, is on the scuffed real tour.

Tell them where they can get tickets for that. You can get tickets at shamanxhouse.com. I appreciate it. Thank you. Head over there, buy antiques and buy tickets to a comedy show, like a weirdo. He really does have his own very successful antique store.

It is cool as hell. Check out Shamanix House. C-A-M-O-N-I-X. House on Instagram and the website. Thank you to ExpressVPN and Shopify. and Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys.

We did it again. One more time, Moody Center. New Year's Eve. It's your last chance to see a Kill Tony live in 2025. Thank you, live audience. We'll see you guys again soon. Good night, everybody.

We're going to be able to be. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is not a lot of now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunset strip atx.com for tickets. Thank you. Thank you.