KILL TONY - #748 - ARI MATTI + EHSAN AHMAD

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

Ari Matti, Ehsan Ahmad, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, DMadness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White,Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 12/01/2025 If you want to get ExpressVPN at its lowest price ever, plus four extra months of service, go to https://expressvpn.com/killtony Sign up for you one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://bluechew.com with code TONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over, Tony!

It's good! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yibby! Make for much for Brian Red Band, ladies and the best damn band in the land. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. How about a hand for Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael. Gonzalez. That's where you would clap. Matt Meuling, John Dees, and this is the great

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ready to start tonight's episode? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, absolutely no different. I mean, wow. Sometimes it's fun to introduce new people. Sometimes it's fun to have a guy from New York or Philly or L.A. or somewhere that you've never met before.

This one is a homegrown episode. These two guys are absolute kill-tony legends. One of them for being one of the best panelists. One of them for being one of the greatest regulars. in the history of the show. Both of these men, while one of them looks like an American and the other one doesn't,

the one that doesn't look like an American is an American. And the one that doesn't look like... The one that looks like an American is actually from the land of Estonia. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests are Ari Madi and Asana Ma. Asan Amar Ari Matty, the Estonian assassin and the brown bomber.

How exciting is this, ladies and gentlemen. Ari, welcome back to the panel of the show. Happy to be here. Me and Asan look like we're planning the next 9-11. press conference for that. I'm getting to funding. We almost nailed it all. They shot down United 93, took a loss there, but we have to plow forward on to the next one.

9-11 press conference. You guys know how the show works. You both know it very, very well. Asan with one of the best jokes of 2025, the famous Indian woman's vagina joke. He says, do you want to see

what an Indian woman's vagina looks like and then he goes like that. You guys get it? There's a little slow audience here. It's a hairy vagina, everybody. This crowd, I don't know about this crowd. Might be some locals trying to fucking... I mean, look at the fucking Gucci's fucking hoodies.

Yeah, I should be with them. This is like a douche bag. I should be with these guys. Yeah. What's up, uncut gems? Those are the boys! Earrings and gel. It's a lot.

It did look like you guys planned this. Yeah, 100, yeah. It wasn't planned, that guy says. Absolutely incredible. Are those real? You guys really have that? What do you do for a living to have Gucci and... You don't work, you retired.

You sold your company. What kind of company was it? It was what? Software. What kind of software? What does it do? It's complicated. No, it was a company that integrated with SAP.

We sold SAP. You sold SAP. What's SAP? SAP? Rich people are always real vague. Yeah. Yeah, we sold it to SAP. We got the GBT.

Now we get into EBT's. It's a TLA. Yeah. Keep throwing more letters at us. That's the right answer. You're coming across as a real F.A.G. So you should be able to explain what the company was that you sold. But if you're going to wear a Gucci hoodie out at night, I mean, you have some explaining to do, sir.

Well, welcome to the shit. Everyone. You guys know how it works. Over 250 human being signed up for tonight's show. Very exciting. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. You know their time is up and hear the sound of a kitten. Yeah, some audience member did it better than the man who's been doing it for 12 and a half years. This is where he panics and just starts hitting random buttons for no reason. Anyway, they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There it is. And that interrupts their set. and then I conduct an interview with them. They go from being a lucky comedian to being interviewed on the biggest live podcast in the world. They have no idea if they're going to get selected or not.

I've pulled the name, we go wrangle them from the bar next door. And in the meanwhile, while that first bucket pull finds out that he or she is indeed about to have the opportunity of a lifetime, I have a golden ticket winner that's going to show you supposedly how it's done with a brand new 60 seconds. You guys get it? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight is the long-awaited return of golden-ticket winner.

This is Mason Bird, everybody. I was walking late at night, and I saw these two women walking down the street, and one of them looked at her friend and said, oh, my guy, that guy is so creepy. But the other lady, the other lady looked at her front and said, It's not like he can catch us anyways, dude. I turned around. I fucking stopped. The bitch was right I couldn't catch her.

She was so fucking fast. Uphill. Not a good advantage. I was talking to a trans woman. Don't ask why. And she asked me, she said, Mason, do you believe in trans women? Do you think they're real?

And I was like, I view trans women the same exact way I view God. Only in a time of dire knees, you will find me on my knees praying. There you go, Mason Bird, ending with a big applause break there. Was there something else? I'll do a quick little one. Okay.

I think abortion should be legal. All right. But every time you get one, you get a tear-drop tattoo on your face. Catching bodies out here. There you go. Way to set the tone. Mason Bird with the first new minute of the night. Welcome back, Mason. Thank you for having me back, Tony. Absolutely. How's it going?

Pretty good. I got fired from Jersey Mike's. Oh. Was it because of talking about it on this show? No, I was 28 days late, and they caught me stealing three sandwiches. When you hire you, you know you're going to steal some sandwiches, you know what are we doing here, man? You got on. What are we doing? You were 28 days late? In a row, yeah. Oh, got it.

In a row. I was like three minutes late every day because I hated my boss. It's horrible, yeah. Wow. So that's what it takes to get fired from a Jersey mic's. Yeah, I was also pretty bad at the job. How can you be bad at making sandwiches? I wasn't very fast.

I was always in the back doing something I was supposed to be doing, like eating the cookies or, you know, so I'd mix pops together. They'd get really mad about that. You mix pops together. If you do like Mountain Dew and, like, Cherry, you make your own code red. Look at you.

Jesus Christ. A real chemistry set over here. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. It feels like Cherry Mountain Dew is your blood type. Yeah. It's a Mondeau Live Wire, actually. Are there any more wild mixtures or food experiments that you're good at? Food mixtures?

Yeah, I love just, I call it doing chopped at the house. I'm like, let's make tacos, but with potatoes and apples and see where we can get. It's just like, I'm hungry. I have no food. I've been doing this new thing because I'm trying to lose weight. If you eat a piece of you eat the cheese and then the... like the actual bread, it feels like you're eating two slices instead of one.

Jesus Christ. Oh, how. This is incredible. Jesus Christ, that's the fattest thing I've ever heard. Hell yeah. You said tacos and then listed the two most disgusting ingredients for tacos. I think I've ever heard in my life. I've been trying a new thing.

A potato and apple taco? Hell yeah. So you put those in a taco shell or you're using the potato as the shell? I should do that. It's such a good idea, dude. I should flatten it and fry it and make it into a tortilla. I have good Vakai ideas. I have some.

I came home a little bit tipsy the other night, and I made myself a sandwich in the middle of the night. You would love this, Red Band. This was so you. This is the most you thing I think I've done all year. I had a sandwich, and the only side looked at my fridge, and there's a little one of those yogurt. There's like a little yogurt there.

And I opened the yogurt, and I have the sandwich, but I forgot to grab a spoon. So I fucking started dipping the sandwich straight into the yogurt, ate it, it dipped it. It's normal shit. Oh, normal, okay. Is that a normal fat guy thing, Mason?

I mean, I'm fat, but Jesus Christ, you know? It's wild. It's funny. I eat like a fat guy sometimes, and look at me. God loves me. What do you think the fattest, what is one of the guiltiest fattest, like just what you were,

you're like, God, I can't believe myself. Oh, he's ready. Here we go. So what I do is I got, like, a party-sized bag of Doritos, and then I'll cut the top off, like, not the top, like the side, so you get like a bowl. And then you put meat, you just make a bag of nachos. All right, sad.

All right. What a party. That's Frito pie with Doritos, pretty much. Exactly. Red Band is the senior disgusting food correspondent here live on the scene. How about you? Do you have any confessions? I mean, you literally have no shame in your game.

You post in the middle of the night. I mean, my favorite, of course, the classic, you take an olive garden bread stick and you put your finger all the way through it so you hollow it out, and then you just pour Alfredo sauce inside of it. Holy shit. It's like a gusher, an Italian gusher.

Oh, my God. Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. It's a fan off. Your turn. Yeah, what do you got? It's a fat off. How do you top that, big boy?

Big boy. Oh, man. Fuck. I got to try that later. He's hard as a rock right now. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he has a blatant direction at the thought of a hollowed-out

olive garden breadstick filled with Alfredo sauce. Do you eat that or have sex with the red band? There you go. Mason, anything else crazy happening in your life? Let's see. Half-black sister. Half-black?

She's addicted to huffing keyboard duster, so that's a fun thing we're doing right now. Keyboard duster. It's like Whipid, I guess. Oh. Oh. Yeah. So she's half black, so you guys have the same mom? Yeah, my mom came back.

What do you mean? She's older, so they say once you go black, you never come back. Oh. Yeah. You have an older half black sister. And what does this computer duster? or addiction, how is this affecting her life? Um, she got into a car accident

because she was laughing and it made her pass out with her kids in the car. Oh, boy, wow. Sorry, Shelby. Wow. I used to do that shit too. Wait, what? Wow, our senior top pig correspondence is here.

I could tell you from the Midwest, too, because of this, and pop. But we used to shoplift keyboard cleaners for Myers, and we would hit it. It would be like poor people whip it. pretty much. Wow. And my friend did it while he was driving and he passed out and I had to pull up the emergency brake and we crashed his car and he blamed me for it. I'm like, dude, we're going towards a train. Like, what the fuck? Wow. Absolutely amazing. Have you ever taken olive garden breadstick emptied it and sprayed computer duster in it and then inhaled through

the olive garden breadstick? It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. Because we could hit black belt levels of piggatory. Mason, you had a solid minute. Anything else for Mason guys? I love that trans God joke. So good. Yeah, it was good. It was a really good one. Trans God joke. And it was impressive after you did the joke after everyone gave you the applause for that one and you landed that as well. I thought that was really tough.

It was awesome. Yep. Great stuff, Mason. You're showing the difference between a golden tick, a winner and a random bucket pool. And this is the part of the show where we go to the bucket, everybody. The bread, the hollowed out bread and butter of the show, if you will. The bucket. Now, this is where we meet people.

Anything can happen. They could be the future. It could be an insane person. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Luke Aaron, everyone. Luke Aaron. I think that people need to stop making fun of Lizzo. I mean, she's one of the most popular artists of our generation.

And I just heard that she's starring in a new anime show. I'm not sure if you all have heard of it. It's Avatar, The Last Chairbender. I think it's funny that people use the same word of the thing that turns them on also as an insult. Like, a girl will be like, I need some dick right now, and then she'll also be like, that guy's being such a dick. But then guys will do it too.

They'll be like, you know, I can't wait to get some pussy tonight. and then they'll be like, bro, why you being such a pussy? But, I mean, I'd be lying if I said that I don't also do that because I say to my friend, come on, man, why you being such a retard? You know? I'm sorry if that joke offends you. I'm just looking for my special someone.

Thank you. That's all I got. Okay. Ari Maddie. How long have you done stand-up, sorry? Like four months. Like four months. Number one suggestion to everybody who watching

touches killed Tony and everyone's done this when they start stand up yes the mic stand is the focus point of the vision of the crowd right now that needs to be out of the way as soon as you get on stage move it over as soon as you get on right now half the crowd look at him they look at the stick they don't even see your cool hat thank you thank you yeah okay okay that's just a suggestion thank you and you got to put the mic up closer to your mouth okay I'm sorry command and control of the room okay okay there you go Hold it more naturally. You're like, it's creepy.

Yeah, you're talking about it. There you go. Okay, okay, okay. So, Luke, let's talk about it. What made you want, how old are you? I just turned 26. 26. What made you want to start stand-up a few months ago? Well, I was just, I had two jobs after I graduated college. I was hating them, and so I wanted to try something fun. What were the two jobs? I was managing a restaurant, and then I had a sales job.

Okay, what was the restaurant? It was in Greenville. It was called Sully Steamers. And what type of food did they have? It was like a, it was like, what was it called again? Solly Steamers. Solly steamers. It's not a sponsor. Gucci guys asking questions.

Shut the fuck up, Gucci guy. Was that in South Carolina? Shut the fuck up, dude. You fucking, God, I hate you. It's rich people attitude. No mic in the crowd. So tell me. Look at him with this fucking pink drink.

This entitled fuck. Gucci hoodie, pink drink, just asking his own questions like he's on panel tonight. God. I hope you get hit by a C.A.R. after the show. Get him.

All right. So Luke. Yes, sir. One job was the salty steamer, which sounds like a gay sexual maneuver. It was. And the other one was a sales job. What were you selling?

I was selling windows and doors. Windows and doors. Well, that must be. been easy. Everybody needs windows and doors. No. Sell me a window or a door right now. Do you go door to door? Yeah. Just go to someone that doesn't have a door like

hello. Is anybody in there? Good news for you. Do you feel a draft in the building? Exactly. Have you ever seen to look outside? So how would you do windows and doors? Would you go door to door? Was it a phone call job? No, it was even worse.

It was like I was the kind of that's, like, standing when you're about to go into a store and, like, try to get your attention. Oh. You have that face, by the way. Yeah, thank you. It's always cutie, but tutis like you. Okay, yeah.

Don't want to talk to me about fucking... That's the worst... That's the worst insult I've ever got. So, let's hear it. Let's say a guy like Asan is walking up to... Where would you be Lowe's or something like that? I would assume he didn't have a home. Right.

But... Well, yeah. There you go. Okay, Luke. Luke with his biggest punch of the night, right there. Thank you. Thank you. Quick on his feet. But seriously, if he, obviously, he would need windows and doors.

For a building I need to take down. Okay. So I would say... I'm a willing customer. So I'd be like, hey, how old is your home? That's how you open? So I knew he didn't have one. I knew he didn't have one.

Yeah, exactly. I know. I know. And then I would say, and then how old is your, you know, daughter? That was... I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Forget it.

No, no, okay, too far, too far. I would say, how old is your home? And then they would say, you know, it's this many years old, which would mean it was either wood or vinyl. And then I would say, oh, so I'm guessing there's draftiness or rust or whatever it was made of. It was, I hated it. All right, yeah, I could see you. I hate it, too.

That's what I'm trying. Yeah, thank you, thank you. Okay, so Luke, you're 26, you just started this. What have you learned in your few months of doing stand-up, of doing open mics? What surprises you about this industry? Tell it to the people at home. I'm surprised how many people are trying it that are horrible at it.

Right, and you are part of that. I know. But it's good. Too many windows, not enough mirrors. Asan Ahmad. This is all the lights have been activated, ladies and gentlemen. Asan has activated the lights. That means that the lighting and sound guy in the back

found that hilarious. A song. All right. So Luke, Aaron, here you are. You're chasing your dreams. What else surprises you about the industry? You do a lot of open mics? Not enough.

Why haven't you been practicing? Why haven't you been trying hard, Luke? Part of me is scared that people will steal my jokes. Oh, oh, ho, ho, ho, oh, ho, oh, ho, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. No. Oh, Christmas is around the corner. I know, I know. I'm better at writing them than delivering them, to be honest.

But, I mean, I just wanted to get a job doing something that I actually enjoy. And, you know, so that's why I'm here. But I still, I know I need practice. I should hit more open mics, but I've just been working a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Working at what? I, a guy just the other week said he works at, what should I say it?

Will I get in trouble? I don't know. I work at... I don't know what you're about to say. You could be anything. I work at a... Jersey mics? Hotel and resort type deal.

A hotel and resort. Here in Austin. Here in Austin. Okay. And is that... Are you having fun doing that? You know, it's a job. Pays the bills.

I don't love it. It's not my dream. What's your love life? Like, Luke? I actually have a girlfriend and we just did our three-month anniversary. Three-month anniversary. There's grown men cracking up at that.

Wow, so what is the one? You've got yourself in a trap, buddy. If you have her counting on the 27th or whatever being a special day every month. I figured that like, if I turned, you know, 37 and I'm still like I'm trying to become a comedian, then that might be like a red flag. But 26, you still got some room to, you got some wiggle room.

What does this have to do with your... Well, I don't. I didn't hear what you said. How did you know, so like you said that you just celebrated, so you just answered a random question? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, if in 11 years this isn't working out,

well, that's why I did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so Luke, I hear them to the bells. All right, so Luke, you said that you just celebrated your three-month anniversary. Yes. How did you know it was your three-month anniversary? What date does that land on?

Oh, the 29. Okay, so I was close, by the way. So how did you, how did that start? You started dating on the 29th. Did you ask her, like, you were like, you want to be my steady girlfriend? Yeah. And that happened three months ago on the 29th. So then after a month, you're like, oh, shit, it's the 29th.

I got to do something special for her. She definitely reminded me. Okay, so what did you do on the 29th, your first anniversary? This is very exciting. I bought her a necklace. Oh, my God. One month, that's all it takes, four weeks of trickery to get a, a necklace from you? I know, I know.

Four weeks of straight trickery, ladies. You get a necklace out of this fucking guy. All you have to do is... It was on sale. Well... My favorite part of that was listening to all the men in the audience slowly start to lose respect to. Exactly. Oh, yeah. What little they had left. Okay.

So let me ask you this. This is the huge million dollar question. What did you do for her on the two-month anniversary? What some people would call the paper anniversary. Or perhaps the yarn anniversary. You've heard of these gold, diamonds, silver, platinum. This would be the yarn anniversary. The two-month, normally it is a string of yarn. What did you do on the two-month anniversary? Uh, argued. Ah, hell yes. Looks like that necklace wasn't on sale quite enough. Yeah, true. Do you bring your girlfriend to the open mics too? No. You're scared

they're going to steal her. Okay. Here's the billion dollar question. The world wants to know, Luke, the three-month anniversary, just passed a couple days ago. What did you do on the three-month... There's this cool Texan guy like, come on, Luke. We're rooting for you, buddy. This guy's rooting for you right now.

What did you do for her on the three-month anniversary, aka the oxygen anniversary? uh, argued. Really? Is this true? No, I mean, I don't, I don't remember. What do we do on the three-month anniversary? We probably went for a walk. Wow. I don't know.

Okay. What have you guys argued about the most? Just tell the truth. This is the vulnerable, compelling part of the interview. That's what makes this show different. I'm like, well, I grew up, like, super religious. So I'm, and I'm just trying to, like, go. into, like, the real world and date, like, regular people.

So I'm having trouble with... Explain to us exactly what you mean by that. Be very specific here. I mean... It's your argument that you got into, so you will know the answer to this question. You don't want to... I don't want to say too much.

Come on. It's okay. Well, I mean, just like... She'll understand. You're on a big show. My sisters had to wear skirts past the knee. So, yes. You know. And you only...

Great. There's a guy booing skirts below the knee right. right now. So, you know, I'm like, if her on her Instagram, there's bikinis. What's your Instagram? What is? Red Band wants to know.

Jealous. Yeah, be careful, Red Band might invite him the secret show. You know, there's, I mean, there's a whole bunch of, but then, yeah, I don't know. When then she goes, I went, I had, I went to like a super small Christian school. Yeah. And then she goes to a big school, a lot of, uh, anyway. What did that lady say?

What? Mormon or Amish. That's what she said. It was independent fundamental Baptist. Oh my God. Jesus. Christ. So you only want to use the back door, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Wow. Yes. Amen. Wow. So what types of things, what's the most religious thing you ever had to do? Is that really how long I've been interviewing this fucking guy? Jesus. Well, I mean, I mean, I grew up going to church Wednesday, Sunday morning, Sunday night,

and then the school was part of the church. So anyone that, like, wasn't really involved in the church was, like, an outsider. So anytime I'm even, like, I'm going to the grocery store, I'm thinking, like, those people are, like, lost people. And the goal is to recruit. Recruit. Exactly. Recruit them. And you would go up to them.

You'd be like, how old's your, how old's your home? Exactly, exactly, exactly, yes. How old's your church? How old is your church? Wow, that is crazy, Luke. So what do your parents think about you dating for three months? What you seem to think is a straight up hooker. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Actually, I, I, she's a whore. By the way, that exactly you just said is what's going to get you in trouble. I know. That's going to be the part right there. But it was funny. Everyone enjoy this. Four-month anniversary. No, yeah.

No four-month anniversary. But we'll see. We'll see. Actually, they met her. I brought her home with me for a wedding. What did she wear? Not enough. Wow.

Look at that. Well, Luke, a very compelling interview. Welcome to the art form of stand-up comedy. Here's a little joke book. You're four months in. Sign up again, Luke. Congratulations. Old Lucky Luke, getting up four months into his youthful career,

barely practices. Oh, my God. That sound can only mean one thing. Make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Brilliant, smart, beautiful, charismatic, tits. Tits. Who loves tits? There you go.

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All right, your next bucket pole, ladies and gentlemen, we've seen him before. It's been a while. Make some noise for Charles Adams Jr., everybody. Let's go, Texas! Texas! A&M! Yeah, they fucked up my parlay, though.

I kind of had to win it. I ain't gonna lie. Yo, man, my brother's getting married next week to a woman. A black woman. Just your bitch-ass-up, man. What the fuck? All right there. Took me a whole two days right there, joke.

Motherfucking, big-ass. Damn. Anyway, we went to the motherfucking bachelor party other night, and I got real wasted. I ain't even a lot. The dancer was dancing, and I went together with $20, and I threw up on up.

I mean, I threw up on a pussy, but I caught it in my mouth and I squirted in her pussy. I don't get a fuck. You know how I look. I look like I get fired from a lot of jobs, right? So one time I was bartending and this any guy came up to me just, hey, my friend, can I have a nigronie? I was like, bitch, what you call me? Hey, that's my time. All right, Charles Adams Jr.

Very interesting. I'm pretty sure that's a salt. I'm pretty sure vomiting inside of a stripper's pussy is... $20, too. It was squirt. It was a... Wow. Is that real? No, that's true story. What did she do? She couldn't tell because I put the 20, like...

Oh, wow. I try to cover it up. What an industry. What an amazing industry that these... What strip club was this? I did. Damn, for real. You want to know? It was perfect 10.

Perfect 10. Perfect 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was about a three. Yeah. Yeah. Can I get my change, man? Wow.

Did they kick you out or? No, they couldn't tell. I covered up just enough. Oh, that is. But I did sneak out, though. I did get out. That is incredible. That is, I don't even know what to say about that.

Just squirt. And then what did you do, swallow the rest down or spit it out? Like, this is disgusting. It was frightening. I just held it together and got out of the club. It was amazing. Outside, it was a different story. Amazing.

Yeah. Wow. Well, your one-month anniversary is coming up any second with this woman, so it might be time to buy a necklace. Charles, you've been on the show numerous times over the past years ever since we moved to Texas. Man. Tell us how life's gone. Been on this boat. This is six times right now, man.

It's been doing great, you know? Yeah. I'm headlining this shit. Uh-huh. I'm gonna fucking roast shit this motherfucker right now. What happened? Explain to the people.

You fucked up my minute, man. How did he fuck it up? He was just like, I was like, shut your toilet ass. This front row is filled with rich, entitled douchebags tonight. It is quite shocking. I definitely served them a couple of drinks before. Plus for Negroes.

Sir, if you have, if you yell one more thing out, I'm going to have him vomit on your crotch. Better get it together. Charles, anything else crazy happening in life? Tell us about it, man. Man, let me see. I'm working security over at a Cap City Comedy Club, you know what I'm saying? Okay.

Yeah, I'm dealing with some just... I mean, do you have to really deal with anything? It's up at the domain. It's like a shopping center. I don't know. It's been there for years. I still am yet to even walk into the place. The Cap City, it's in such an odd place in the city.

Yeah, but the just... Where's the restroom at, boy? Like, what the fuck, why are you? They call you boy? They call me boy, yeah, you know what I'm saying? The domain. Yeah. Just because they, like, dress like that.

They fucking act stupid. To be fair, we didn't even know where the restroom was. It's right there. The handicapped brush of them is right there. Yeah, man, they fuck with me, but, you know, I'll keep it strong. I'll still get paid. I'll still help him out. Are you, Maddie?

Guys who wear T-shirts that say sportswear are never too sporty, are they? This is a throwback. This is thick'em's, okay? I can fit anything. I do feel like you've been gaining a little weight. Is that correct? Well, this Thanksgiving just passed, man. Oh, Jesus.

You can't blame one day for 60 pounds. Yeah, that is. I'm trying to hold it together. You're supposed to cut the turkey. Fuck that, bitch. Does the zipper close? That's a good question. Does the zipper on your jacket?

Does the zipper close? Does the zipper close? I mean, you know, not right now. Because I'm nervous. It's like, nah, just stay open. All right. I ain't nervous. Just stay open.

I got to let people see me. You know, I got a really nice belly button, you know. Charles, what's the craziest? You live by yourself? No, I got a roommate. Okay. Yeah. Two-bedroom?

Well, yeah. How many bathrooms? Two bathrooms. Two bathrooms. So you have your own bathroom. Yeah, my shit clean, too. Okay. Is he clean?

I don't go on this shit. on this shit. Right. Okay, but here's a big question. What do you have in your refrigerator that would surprise us? That's yours. Oh, you know the answer to this. Don't try to think of a number two. We want that first one. Red band, don't make a chicken noise. That's so, that is so, that is disrespectful. Do you have chicken in your refrigerator? I got bacon soda in there. Okay. All right. There you go. Red band is the opportunity of a lifetime. There is. There is. It's only six. Six seconds late tonight. He was taking bong rips tonight.

That's a new thing he's been doing lately. He's bong rips before the one thing a week that he does that anybody sees. Nothing more professional than vodka red bulls and bong rips. This is my partner here, Brian Redband. Charles gets filled with bacon fat. I don't know how to pick him fat. Charles, what's your love life like? You know who?

Your love life? I mean, it's something. Oh, shit. Single, but, you know, something. Something's happening. I guess you were complicated. I don't know. Okay. What's happening exactly?

Fuck that bitch. Okay. What exactly is going on there? Well, a lot of other guys are fucking that bitch. Oh, okay. Not me. How do you know that? How do you know other guys are fucking your girl?

I looked at her DMs. I was like, oh, who's? You looked at her DMs? Hell yeah. How did, what was this? Meanwhile, you're puking on strippers. I was stressed. I was stressed out, man.

She can't DM a couple of guys. You are puking in pussy at the perfect test. I was stressed. Take it out on somebody. So how'd you end up finding her DMs? I went through her a tablet. Oh my God, look at you, just looking for trouble. Yeah, yeah, I went through a tablet.

I was like, who the fuck of Taron is? Oh, she has a time. A time. Yeah, yeah, they're all black. Oh, yeah. All black. Yeah, it's infuriating, isn't it? I hate it.

Yeah. Get you a good white boy. Fucking, God, man. Let us come up. You can fuck him, but, like, give me the money. You know what I mean? Yeah. I let her start the, what was the feet finder shit?

Yeah, I was like, get on feet finding, baby. Are you pimping out your girl's feet? That's what I ain't, I ain't gonna say it too loud. Wow. Dora God's job don't pay that much. I'm like, yeah, she has nice feet. Wow, you're into feet? You fuck her feet?

Yeah. What? I mean, I suck them a little. Hell yeah, look at you. You're like San Quentin Tarantino over here. It's a prison and a foot fetish joke at the same time. You're not gonna, you can, it's impossible to do that. I just did it to almost no laughter or applause.

whatsoever. No, it's okay. No, it's okay. The people online will go, wow, that crowd sucked. Anyway, uh, so when you're, you fuck her feet sometimes. What else do you do? You're, you're a freaky guy. Yeah, yeah, you suck. Pukin and pussies fucking feet. Damn. I'll be hungry, you know, yeah. I would expect. Yeah, you're into foot longs as well. Fine. Oh my god. No. All right. Yeah, that's gay. Uh, Charles, fun times, you already have a big joke book. And that's set. This guy threw you off this racist.

That's all good. Fuck you, bitch. Sorry, Charles. I'm robbing your ass in front of this motherfucker today. This guy's going to be asking you where the restroom is right after this set. All right, there he goes. Charles Adams Jr., ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving here.

These interviews are flying. Time is flying tonight. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Evan Quigley, everyone. Evan Quigley. I'm trying to undo my circumcision. They stole it's gone. I think I still have enough left for a two and a half or three skin.

I think that... is the N-word for vaginas. And quiff would be the outward. I love eating pussy. It's like a board game or a game I never get bored of. Specifically, it's like Battleship, you know? I... C-6? Nothing? Cool, your turn.

Necessity. They say necessity is the mother of invention. She must have been... been desperate or drunk. The night roller blades were conceived. I'm not sure who the father would be in that analogy, but I'm sure he wonders whether or not his son is gay. Okay. Evan quickly. Welcome, Evan. How long have you been doing stand-up, buddy? Two years, I got a DUI in the middle of it, so I wasn't allowed in like bars for open mics. You weren't allowed in bars. Yeah, I had to wear like an ankle monitor that's in my sweat for alcohol.

It's crazy. You don't have to drink at the bar. No, but like if someone spilled a beer or something, I'm back in jail. You kill somebody? Hold on. Yeah, wait. Di-I, it was a DUI. Just a regular old DUI.

Here in the great state of Texas? No, in the great state of Florida. Oh, so in Florida, do you have DUIs? Yeah. Jacksonville, DUI Capital. So was it your first DUI? Yes. And on your first DUI,

They put a strap on your ankle. They could sense alcohol. Technology's crazy, man. We're in the future. How fucked up were you? I totaled my car on some train tracks. Ah. So you were like next to the car when they arrived?

All fucked up. Yeah, I called the cops on myself, actually. Really? I was worried about the train. I was like, uh, whatever if I get like a terrorist charge or something for blowing up a shipment, you know, supply chains. Wow. Okay. It was dumb.

It was dumb. I want to get a tape of that call. Yeah. I don't want to be a terrorist than nothing. Exactly. Wow. Our senior terrorist correspondent, the son of us.

You usually have to wait till the train is there to crash into it. That's very, right. Yeah. Be proactive. So I find this so interesting. I've never heard of a alcohol detecting ankle bracelet before. That's what it was. It was on your ankle?

Yeah, and I live in, like, a residential neighborhood, a lot of families, and I got into fitness because I got into fitness. and drink. So I was worried about the judgment of the ankle monitor and I would put another sock under my sock and do like when I'm running like leg lifts at the stop sign so people think I'm stuck in the 80s and not like a rapist. I have no idea what you just said. I could I'll never be able to make that out exactly even if you repeated it a thousand times. I don't think it would ever make actually make sense to me. Angle monitors are kind of cool. It was fun. They got to put people that you know. People would just point in me and say ankle monitor. Yeah. So how long did you

have to wear it for? A full year. A full year. You couldn't drink. Yeah. And you were afraid that someone would spill alcohol on your ankle so you didn't even practice comedy. I wrote. I wrote. You wrote. Okay. All right. What do you do for work, Evan? I'm an arborist. I look at trees for people. I don't do anything with the trees. I just tell them that it's sick and they pay me. It's kind of good game. Oh, like a sick tree. What is a sick tree? It's a tree with yellow leaves. You kind of thought about that, huh, didn't you? It can be sick.

Are you confusing sick trees with fall? Yeah, exactly. This guy's walking around. These are a bunch of sick trees. A lot of sick trees in September. Have you noticed this? Business is booming. Sorry.

We need to take all these down. Evan, do you make good money doing that? Pretty good for, like, right out of college. How old are you? I'm 20, about to turn 25, 24. 25. You're 24. I am currently.

How? Very easy question. When do you turn 25? Just out of curiosity since you said you're about to turn 25 like a five-year-old does when they're about to turn six. I'm curious now. Same thing with the guy that has a three-month anniversary. How soon until your actual birthday? It's in January, January 2nd.

Wow, it is right around the corner. You have any big plans for this big birthday year? No DUI this year. Are you drinking again since everything's off? since everything's off? A little bit of, I'm metered it. You've metered it? Yeah.

Meteored it. What do you mean by metered it? I don't let myself go crazy, you know? Like, once I start wanting to sing Pearl Jam, I stop. Hmm. Ah, there you go. That's a good joke. That's better than everything you did in your set.

I would make that one of your jokes. I will. Okay, there you go. Do you ever talk about wearing an ankle monitor for a year? The leg lift thing, I don't do that one much. That's not great. I don't want to portray myself as a rapist.

You know. Where are you getting rapist from? You said this twice now, and it feels like you're confessing something. Yeah. No one's saying rapist. Even with his job, he was like, I don't like do anything with the trees. I just like see if they turn yellow or not, you know. I don't like touch them or rub up against them or stare at them from across the forest for a while.

and then approach slowly. This tree is so weak. Yeah. You got bark, but do you bite? What do you say we branch out of here? I'm an arbor rapist. I'm not... Also a suggestion in comedy,

I understand that hats can be like a comfort zone for somebody, but yeah, if you put your hat really low, people can't see your eyes, and your eyes are the window to the soul. And it's really hard to relate. Sometimes guys will put the hat really low. It kind of sits, it's better. Do you always wear a hat?

Is that like your... Always, yeah. Yeah. So maybe put it a little higher, you know? Yeah, the fact that you're a rapist. Oh, there it is. It's very clear. All of a sudden, it's very clear.

Evan, what else do you do? You have any special skills or hobbies or talents or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to, like, jump rope really well or something? I wish... I try to sing. I've been trying to get out to do karaoke more and see if it's a talent, but it's not.

Yeah, no, it's not. What else? What's in your pocket, front pocket? Heavy, heavy, heavy pocket. Oh, that's my joke book. Okay. Yeah, I didn't want to. Nobody saw that.

Nobody wants to see it. Yeah. This is my hobby. What else? There must be something else. You collect anything? Are you a fan of anything at all? I'm a fan of a lot of music.

I like Rush. Oh. The band Rush a lot. Okay. I've been trying to get into movies. I watched Jackie Brown recently. Oh, you just watched that for the first time. Yeah.

Amazing. That's the only movie Dee Madness likes, he just said. Hell yeah. Have you seen it? Hey. Here we go. Dee Madness just said, it's about time. As in, you finally said something funny.

He'll get you. You try to, fucking, you try to make fun of Dee Madness. He'll get you. But you like, so you like, there's some movies that you like listening to and you can just kind of digest it. On D? I love that. Are there any other ones that you can think of?

Like, the color purple? Huh? Death warrant. Okay. John Claude Van Dam. That's interesting. That an action movie. I find that all so intriguing.

Isn't that interesting? He just like hearing men grunny. Definitely not. If there's anyone I know for a fact that doesn't like hearing men grunt, it's our famous resident homophob D-Madness, who hates everything gay. He likes hearing other men getting their ass whooped.

Death warrant, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Evan. Well, you were here. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You got pulled tonight, Evan Quigley. We go on and on, ladies. Ladies and gentlemen.

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Visit gemini.comgoogle slash students to learn more and sign up terms apply. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Alexa Erizzari, everybody. Alexa Erizzari. I had a great Thanksgiving this year. I found a Native American guy on Tinder. I celebrated the traditional way by giving him syphilis. It's hard to date as a trans person because here's the thing.

straight men view trans women the same way they view Taco Bell. They want it when they're drunk. They're ashamed of what it does to their asshole. Do I love fucking with straight guys because sometimes they don't realize I'm trans. You know the name for those type of people? Retarded. So sometimes they'll come up to me

and they'll be like, yo, can I buy you a drink? And I look him dead in the eyes and I'm just like, uh, no, man, I ain't fucking gay. You're the man, we ain't dealt with that fat shit on this show, right? Hell yeah, brother, you get it, man. It sucks.

I can't turn that voice off. Oh, I can't. That's the sound that comes out when I orgasm. Thank you guys. Shit, Alexa Irizari showing the boys and the girls how to do it tonight. Absolute dominance. Welcome.

Thank you so much, brother. This is like looking in a mirror or something like that. It's my archieiemson. It's like my venom. This is my venom. It's venom hingecliff. I love it. Alexa, how long you've been doing stand-up? About five years.

That's awesome. See what I mean? We're the same. Five years. Where at? I started in Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, nice. Look at that.

That's where you're born and raised? Yeah, I think I opened for you at one of the glory holes at the truck stops in Warren. Oh, okay. There you go. I've been performing at a lot of truck stops. This is true. Guilty as charged. Welcome, Alexa.

This is absolutely incredible. So five years. How long have you lived in Austin? About four years. Four years. What made you move to Austin four years ago? Comedy? No, I was actually working in construction sales

because I got fired from doing porn. Oh, my goodness. How did you get fired from doing porn? Well, here's the only thing I learned from doing porn. I am bad at sex. Okay. I know this because they flew me into the shoot. They flew me in on Delta.

They flew me back in spirit. Oh, my God. This is amazing. only did it once? No, I shop for the company is called Groobey. It used to be called Shemail Strokers. You probably know what it is. But by that track suit, oh, that's all I'm saying.

But no, it used to be called Shemail Strokers, but they thought the name was offensive. Again, there goes resident homophoke, The Madness. I've seen enough of this shit. D Madness was like, how many people are doing a set? This bitch. This bitch. This bitch, this bitch, this bitch, this, this, this, this, this bitch me sounded like death warrant.

Chunk off and damn, what the fuck is going on in there? Oh my God. Wow. Okay, so you did a lot of porn shoots. Yeah, because back then, like trans people couldn't get, because I'm, I like transition B.C. And for y'all good Christians, that means before Christ. For trans people, it means before Caitlin. Okay.

So you're a throwback. You're like back when trans people used to get bullied and stuff. I know, and that's, honestly, I loved it because I can only come when being called a f*** it. Perfect. One more thing that you and I have in common. Absolutely amazing. This is incredible.

I've met my match here today. For Gaitland, you're an icon. I love it. This is amazing. Amazing. So, Alexa, what surprised you about shooting porn? Honestly, probably the biggest thing that surprised me is that the guy will fuck you not on camera. And they get really offended if you don't fake orgasms off camera the same way you do on camera. So, like, when you say fake orgasms, you mean, like, moaning.

Because I don't like sex. Explain what you mean by that. I don't, I've been raped too many times to like sex. Oh, shit. I've been raped so many times I bought my mom a t-shirt. It says, my son got raped four times. All I got was a daughter. Oh, my God.

Brought to you by, I don't think now's the time to play the Netflix sound effect. We may have just lost our contract right then. Let me ask you this. Did the guy that raped you, did he up in a comment on how yellow the trees were getting right beforehand? He was only focused at how yellow my teeth were getting.

Okay. All right. That's a wild answer. Alexa. Alexa. So you literally don't like sex? No, I don't like. The only thing I ever liked in the bedroom was one time my ex-boyfriend got on top of me,

put my legs over my head, and then he died of a heroin overdose. While trying to have sex with you. Yeah, pretty much. I'm from Ohio. You know how it is. Yes. A lot of people do die from heroin overdoses, especially in Northeast Ohio. I'm six years sober from, um,

meth and heroin though okay all right how did the energy is still dead it stays with you how did you get sober what helped you get sober uh honestly um him dying to be quite honest oh um i remember that's actually kind of why i started doing comedy because one time i was like i was digging through a trash can um while i was on meth at our dealer's house because you know on meth and um i was we were John Mullaney's special, Newentown, was playing in the background. Wow, this is the gayest part of your whole set. This is incredible. That's when you know you have to get your life together.

No, but yeah, so I was like, I want to do that one day, and he was like, you're not funny. So then I was like, I want to prove him wrong, you know, so. Amazing. Oh, he's dead. Yeah. Now he's looking up at you from wherever he is thinking, wow, she really did it. So other than him dying, was there things that you did to fill that gap of meth and heroin, two of what seems to be the most addictive things in the world?

Probably, well, besides cock. No, just kidding. But no, I just count. No, I got back into what I was like doing, like before I did all that. Like I started college at 16. I studied Russian language and Mandarin. I was working into politics. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger.

Can you say things in Russian and Mandarin? Do you go over Russian? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Looks like someone's going to have a parogi in his ass later. You're about to get a little potato filling up there, huh? Oh my goodness. Multiple languages, good at comedy.

It's almost like you have the brain of a... This is amazing. Wow. I love the energy you came out with, by the way. You took over the stage. Beautiful job. Holy shit. It is incredible.

Clearly, you are made to do this. My goodness. So how do you make money now, Alexa? I have an OnlyFans. Okay. Not going well. I only have one subscriber. All right.

Yep. I pay good money for that. Wow. Where can people find your Onlyfans? You'll probably get more now if you want to promote it. Yeah, Jasmine Steele, 7 on OnlyFans, Streammate, and Strip Chat. There you go. Red Band just made multiple accounts.

Okay. So, Alexa, tell us what else would surprise us about being trans in Texas. You've been here for four years. Is there anything else that you deal with? Do you make a good cup of coffee? I've noticed that trans people make the best. best baristas. Do you drink coffee? No, those are the non-binary .

Okay, good to know. I don't know the difference. You could tell by the purple color hair and the annoyingness in their voice. I like that. So you're kind of anti-trans. No, yeah. No, I don't think people, I think it's a mental illness, to be quite honest. Yes, keep going. Keep going. You're about to become the next president

of the United States. Just keep the momentum going. Holy shit. Keep telling us, you're very close. You could win the 2028 election if you just keep... I just found out you've been booked on Joe Rogan experience. The Texans in the front are literally like, I'll vote for that bitch. This is amazing.

Amazing, Alexa. So you did become... When did you start to feel like a woman? When in your life? The first time my dad's dick was inside me. Your actual father? No, I mean, I'm from Cleveland. You think I know my actual father?

I don't know anymore. Honestly, it is one of those things. I do think it's a mental illness. It was from probably my earliest memories, I remember. I would always put on my mom's dress, hiding in her closet, things like that whenever she was at work. So just from my earliest memories. And then at the time, you had to wait until you were 18 to do it.

So just the minute I turned 18, I started hormones. Amazing. What did your mom say about that when that happened? Well, she said, I don't want to live with a freak. And then she kicked me out for a little bit. But she's come around honestly She's one of my biggest supporters And I love my mom more than anything

Oh, that's amazing I love that Alexa So fun Anything else for Alexa You're a star I love it Thank you so much

Sometimes people think it's always Like too late to start stand up When do star stand up But you live such a full life That now you have perspective to tell it And it's awesome and it shows Thank you so much I really appreciate that

Seems like you're Yeah Asan And just the straight up roller coaster that this whole experience was with you. Yeah. From the set being like that, to fucking I got raped. To I'm off heroin,

to the guy died inside of me, to, you could be president, to my dad raped me. It's been like, just amazing to shitting on people with purple in their hair and you have purple in your hair. There's just a touch of purple back there. There's a little bit back there.

You are a pure entertainer, so funny, so haram, I love it. Hell yes. Alexa, sign up again, pretty please. Let's see if you can catch this joke book. Oh, shit. Got it. Unbelievable.

She catches like a man, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Alexa Irizarry, everybody? Isn't that something? Well, we have momentum, ladies and gentlemen, and your next comedian is one of the newest, most prolific regulars in the show's entire history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

the Dark Storm of Atlanta. This is Dendrick Flynn. Kill Tony. I ate an edible the other day and I started watching the blind side. What the fuck is that movie? All right? Nobody ever took.

tell me this movie's going to be bullshit when I started it. So you've seen the blinds out? You know what I'm talking about? So all the blinds I was supposed to be about was his dude named Michael Ower. It's a real person. And he played football, but he was a homeless teen in Memphis. And he got adopted by a white family

and they get a nigga white privilege and he made it to the NFL. All right? And that's a beautiful movie. All right? That's a beautiful movie. That is the sequel to Remember the Titans. It's got football in America.

Everybody could come together. And then somebody in Hollywood was like, let's make this nigger retarded. Right? I don't even like using that word, all right? I don't even like using that word, but they made that nigger retarded. They made it for no reason.

Let me tell you, the first scene when he gets adopted by Sandra Bullock, right? He gets adopted by Sandra Bullock. She'd walk him into the house. They walk him up the stairs, and they walk him into a bedroom. And then he goes, what's that? And then Sandra Bullock says,

it's a bed. That nigg is. You know what a bad is. That nigga know where the bad is. I, bro, I've got so many retired... All the fucking specialty, them niggas go to sleep. They know where to go to sleep.

Crack heads make beds out of anything. This nigga know what the bad is. Then later on in the movie, later on in the movie, just to make sure you know this nigga is dumb as fuck. And it's not a real... He's not dumb. He made it... He's doing good.

He made it... lawsuit against it and won it just recently. This is the way they fucking did it. They said, hey, hey, Sandra Bullock, your new son that you brought to this private school to play football, we gave him these tests to see where he's at. They said, you got a zero in math,

zero on science, zero on social studies, zero on everything. But don't worry, he scored 100% in protective instincts. That's not a test they give humans. Who got? the highest protective inskin. That's the shit they give the canines

to become police dog. I'm done. Dedrick Flint with a new two-minute, 20-second set as only our regulars get to do. Very powerful. The dark storm

has arrived. Welcome back, Dedrick. Good to have you back, buddy. God, I'm fucking. I missed it. I had a good time in Atlanta, but that whole Monday, I was so used to coming out here from doing it like week to week. I couldn't wait to fucking get back, dude.

This is so fucking, this club is fucking gorgeous. This fucking stage, the band, everybody's so fucking good. Y'all don't know what it feels like to walk out here, but it is better than drugs. I used to sell them. I used to sell them, so I know what they do, and it doesn't do this, all right? This shit is fucking great.

I love- Fuck yeah. Perfect analysis. It is true. Mondays are weird without the show. Once you're part of this thing, Mondays are really weird for Red Band and I, if we ever, ever randomly have a Monday off. Like seven times, maybe six times into 12 years?

Yeah, yeah, that we take one off, but we back tape those episodes so that we can take a Monday off if we ever want to take. Oh, look at this. Look who's sensed a straight man on stage. Here he is. Deep Madness. He heard the blind side and like,

they're talking about them? A song, a bar. Oh, my God. Oh, my. Did you hear what I did about you? So, Dedrick, welcome back. Ari, Madi, this is a co-regular of yours. Tedric, you know what I'm about to say.

How crazy is it that the day you became a regular, both of our face personal Facebooks reminded us that we were at an open mic together seven years ago yeah I was on that day how crazy is that I remember same day on 27 and I remember that open mic that it was horrible for you by the way he's right I smash that bit by the way you're right because I remember you killed it and I remember it's just

funny how in comedy you meet somebody and then And, like, I didn't see you for seven. I didn't even know you live in Austin or something. And I saw you at sunset. I just wasn't sure it's you. Yeah. Because we never really talked, and then you became a regular. So that shows what happens if you just stay persistent and keep writing and keep pursuing your dream.

So that's awesome. That is true. I mean, imagine if he would have started and been scared that people were just going to steal his jokes. So he didn't perform that often at all. You sent me a great message, and that made me real happy, like, the same night that you said it. and I saw you, because it was on your Facebook, so I didn't get the message, and you saw me. Actually, the whole killed Tony Mafia family

has been fucking great to me. Actually, last Monday, I was at David Lucas's house filming his fishing podcast. This nigga is rich as fuck. Dave Lucas is the fucking Black Georgia Tony Soprano. His house just got shit in it for no reason, and he's fat. He definitely is fat Is that a new grill I'm seeing there in the way?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I got... He's different now. Oh, I'm not gonna like you... He's different now. I'm doing good, all right? I'm doing good. I got to kill Tony tattoo that I got. I told you that I got that.

I sent it to you. Oh, I got my date that I got made a regular. This shit is fucking fantastic. I'm making so much money. I bought my mama Uber from Augusta, Georgia to Atlanta, Georgia on Thanksgiving. There and back. I'm doing good.

I couldn't pay to fix the car. I always love to see it. I always love to see the come up. You know, when we first had Cam Patterson on, he said, I'll never stop wearing sweatpants and white t-shirts and sandals. That shit ended like three weeks later. He hasn't worn it since.

When David Lucas became a regular, he also got a new grill. It was a George Foreman, and he made everybody grilled cheeses. He got terrible teeth, too. David Lucas does? Yeah, David Lewis got bad tea, but he cooked good. Okay.

Wait, did you just add another layer of grill? Did you just do like a magic trick or something? Well, here the thing is, Tony, I'm not going to lie to you. I already talked to the man. We was working on this song that we want to do right now for Kill Tony. Right now. We're going to debut it right now. Okay.

All right. Okay. Oh, shit. Hey, yo, Mike, give it to me. How about a hand for Dedrick Flynn? I came up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on the money just to kill Tony. I'm making blue fats, that's on red band.

I'm making blue stats. That's on red band. I'm making foreign money. I got a call to Ari. My pocket's looking good. You can call them haughty. Yeah, my pocket's fat. David Lucas.

Yeah, my pocket's chat. I'm talking David Lucas. Yeah, my pocket spat, I'm talking, David Lucas. First pool, first round, regular. My sense is good, but ain't enough on regular. I show up on the Monday just to kill. Let me hear y'all. Showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony.

I showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony. I showed up on a Monday just to kill, everybody. I showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony. I'm talking bullshit, talking Danny Lucas, I'm talking fast, and I'm talking Gary Lucas. Wow. That's amazing. I'm so glad you did a song.

I thought you were going to rob everybody for a second. No, I'm doing good now, Tony. Y'all niggas is lying on line. I love it. Y'all, they try to slander me on. What? Cut the mic. There it go.

When I got this tattoo, they tried to slay. This lady said, why would you do that? I said, Nick, if your bank account looked like Heidi, you would feel like just like me, nigga. Oh my God. I love it. Tedrick, you are absolutely killing it. Ari, what do you think about this guy?

They do love grills in Atlanta. Yeah, you will with me. Atlanta is the only place where I've seen a sign that says grills on happy hour. Yeah. I didn't know grills was a decision that you just walked past and see a sign and they're like, ah, I'd be like that.

Uh, there's a lot of white people in here. These, uh, gold teeth are called grills. I know you was looking at me. Like, I got a green egg at the house. I got a green egg. That's how you talk. Is that how he talks? Because I can look at him and tell you.

Yes, it is. He hasn't been able to shut up all night. He is so retarded that he didn't know what a bed was. Let's put it that way. Dedrick, you are absolutely the man. Welcome back. We'll see you again next week. The unstoppable force that is Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

And back to the bucket we go. We have a one-word name. This is always interesting. It's either usually great or horrible. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Mitch, everybody. Here comes Mitch. All right, one more time for Mitch, everybody.

As you all can tell, I'm used to pulling out. So yeah, my name's Mitch. It's like a bitch, but with an M. That was my nickname all throughout school. And then finally I moved out of my dad's house. Yeah. He taught me that my name was, my nickname was a hammy down from my mom, right? But it's cool because my mom taught me that my nickname,

or that my dick is a hand me down from my dad. Because it's small. Yeah, my bad. Just a little nervous. We got this though, boys and girls. Speaking of which, I don't have much luck with the ladies. So, I don't know why, but my parents could decide on one thing, and it was that I needed a hat.

So they went ahead and went with the blue chew hat, right? And I was like, Mom, Dad, how's that going to help me get laid? And they're like, well, because, you know, women will read it and get super horny and then want to fuck you. I was like, how dumb do you think they are? And they're like, if they're fucking my son, dumb enough. enough. Thank you guys. All right, Mitch.

Let's talk about it. How long you've been doing stand-up? About two and a half of years. Where at? San Marcos, and then I moved to Austin, but I started having seizures. So it's like... Oh, shit. Why'd you start having seizures?

I think it's from Gapapentin. What is that? I was prescribed it. What is that exactly? For me, it was a nerve blocker. I got my back blown. out. Okay. All right.

Tony, someone else you have something in common with. Yeah. This is amazing. Okay. How did you blow out your back? I, arguably from the Army. Okay. But so I didn't, it wasn't while I was in things.

It was a little bit afterwards. It just kind of happened. But it was a herniated disc, and that was most likely from the Army. And then it pinched my sciatica nerve. So then that's like a nerve that goes all the way down your leg. Yep. So like I can't feel half my toes. Right now?

Yeah, at all. Yeah. Okay. Since 2023. Since 2023. And that's how long you've been on this medicine? Yeah. And then I stopped taking it in July of this year.

28th birthday. Yes, because I made it past 27. Uh-huh. Okay. A lot of grown men celebrating their weird birthdays in this episode. Well, the 27 Club. Okay. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me.

Oh, shit. The most innocent human on the stage, Matt Mueling, every once in a while, strikes. He has no mercy for people that have a lot of seizures. Yeah, you don't get into the 27 club by being a random fact. So, you stop taking it. You stopped taking that medicine, and then how soon after did the seizure start? Like two weeks. Okay.

Yeah. And then what's that like? I don't know. But the girl that was with me left me, like in a puddle of my own blood and piss. Why were you in a pile of blood? You hit your head or something? No, bit my tongue. Oh, shit.

Yeah, I was like, and she just left you like that? She smoked my, yeah. And then... She what? She smoked my weed. That's legal in Austin, Texas. And then I left. Yeah, she was high and you're freaking the fuck out on the floor.

No, it was right in the morning, so I was in bed. Hmm. Yeah. You hadn't smoked yet? No, I just, I was asleep, and then I guess the sun triggered it. When you say that it's legal in Austin, you just mean regular weed. You're making a joke. Or it's with some kind of weird Delta 8 or something?

Well, I have family that I'm going to hopefully have watched this that are in different states, and I don't want them to look down upon me. You think that you smoking marijuana once in a while is going to be what... Not the blue chew hat. All right. I mean, okay. So you're sure that you had the seizure. She smoked your pot after that.

I'm positive I had the seizure. But I mean, you're positive that she smoked pot after... She said, yeah, I left you. I smoked some pot and then I left. Yes, she said that my cat, Timothy, was going, Meow, help. Like, asking her, like, I'm not even, I have a text message. She woke, the cat Timothy.

Yeah, timidthy. What? Like, timidthy, courageous cat. Like, courage is a cowardly dog. Am I having a seizure? I was just gonna say, huh? It is crazy. Are you having a seizure right now?

I smell burnt toast. burnt toast. Okay. All right. Okay. Let's just skip this. What did you do in the army? I was a forward observer, 13 Fox.

What exactly does that mean? Fire to sports specialist. So, like, I would get grade coordinates for field or tiller and then send it to field or tiller so they would shoot it. To Palestine? No. No, this was back in 2016 to 2020. Does me sitting here give you some sort of PTSD?

All of it. Amazing. What do you do now, Mitch? How do you survive? I'm a VA disability. I'm actually looking for a job right now, but it's hard because I can't drive for another until the end of this month. Why? Oh, because of seizures.

Have you figured it out? When's the last time you had your last seizure? Three months ago. Okay. And what exactly happens? Is there something that, like, tends to give you a seizure? No, it's always whenever I'm waking up. Interesting.

And how many do you think you've had? Four. Four. Yeah. Do you always bite your tongue and leave a mess? Yeah. Wow. How long do they last?

Anywhere between, like, from what I'm told, a minute to three minutes. Okay. Yeah. But I think it's from Gavin Petton. Doctors don't. So it's up in the air. Ooh, interesting. So this is an interesting thing.

The doctors are defending the big pharmaceutical. company directly to your face. But you never had a seizure before that, and you had one two or three weeks after quitting the medicine. Right. And they'll defend it all the way. Right. Interesting.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. Me neither. Me neither. But I find that all so interesting. Things are coincidental. Yes. Okay. So Mitch, give us another fun fact about your life.

I used to work at a helicopter company. not as the pilot or anything. I was a photographer. Okay. Yeah, so I take photos of the people that were going on the helicopter. It's just south on 35. Okay.

Yep. All right. All right. What's your love life like now, Mitch? Single. Okay. You live by yourself? Yeah, I lived by myself with my cat.

Your cat, timid, timid, the third, or whatever the fuck. Timit thee, courageous cat. How long have you had this cat? Three and a half years. Like, I don't want to ever my back got blown out. I know the phrasing. I know the phrasing is fucked up. Got my back blown out.

When you get a seizure when you're having sex, would it cause infinite energy? So. Because if a girl gets a seizure while I'm banging, it's pretty hot. Some people are into that. So after they found out about it, I've woken up with them, like,

just flashing a light in my eyes at night. Damn. Yeah. I had my first blue shoe in Mexico, but... Oh, really? Yeah. Ah. Was it a brown shoe? Okay. What was that like?

Crazy. First time I've ever had it. You ever had a dick pill left some? Nope. Yeah, it's like, I don't even know how to continue life without it. Like maximum potential all times. Wow. After coming, still the vein is out. When you woke up after that first night, were you wearing that jumpsuit that you're in? All right.

Well, Mitch, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? I really like the Lyme scooters and I've been getting back into religion and feeling like everything happens for a reason and I feel like the seizures were a good thing that happened low key because it taught me how to get out more and how to be more productive using the things around me and not be anxious.

I like that. Good answer. Keep writing. Keep signing up. It'll get better. Mitch. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There you go. There goes Mitch, everybody. All right. Sometimes interviews just go back to seizures and the cat every once in a while.

Is that thing in there good in deep, Heidi? Now it is. Very good. The old tape the microphone. The old taping the microphone. Just how it all started in the beginning. Twelve and a half years ago, we were taping our microphones together. And now look, back at our roots.

Nothing like that. One of the biggest shows in the world. And we have red duct tape. That's how you know we made it. Back when we first started, we just had regular old black duct tape. Okay. You guys still having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For Sancho Pancho Villa. Sancho Pancho Villa. A lot of people can't tell by looking at me, but I am a veteran. I used to let the crowd guess what branch I was in, but with every guess, my feelings kept getting hurt more and more. So I'll just tell y'all, I actually served six years in high school JRTC. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I was only in high school for four years. No, I should also mention after high school, I went and served in the first.

Marine Corps for four years. Let's go. Urah. Yeah. I was 5'3 when I went in, and then I came out at 5'1, so I lost two inches where it really mattered. There's a lot of disadvantages to being short, but some advantages to being short in the Marines. For instance, when I would walk through fields with tall grass,

I didn't have to worry about snipers anymore. I would, however, have to keep my eyes peeled in the sky for, like, hawks or other large birds. Crazy story, a hawk actually tried to pick me up one time. It got like a foot and a half off the ground before dropping me. I guess even Mother Nature was like, eh, too much cholesterol. Thank you, I'm Sancho Pacho Villa.

Sancho Villa, I gotta tell you, dude, you are one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in my entire life. I didn't know that baked potatoes could do comedy. This is absolutely adorable. How old are you? 31. 31 years old.

Have you ever accidentally used? You look like you would accidentally like roll down a hill or something like that. Do you roll your ball shaped? Yeah, whenever ice is over in Texas, I gotta be careful. It's like very easy for me to be top heavy. You have to be scared of two kinds of ice. That's incredible. Sancho Pancho Villa.

Absolutely amazing. Did the kids used to bully you and make you a soccer ball at any point? No, most of the kids of my high school were the same height as me at that time, so. I'm so. Amazing. Amazing. So what do we call you? Are you considered a...

What are you? I'm just a regular 5-1 Mexican, man. Okay, all right. I guess it's like, I guess it's the width that kind of makes it, it kind of makes you... More compact looking. Yeah, you seem a little... A little, a little, um... Oh, there's right, man.

It's also my eyes, my eyes. You guys are shaped the same. He's just slightly taller than you. Old Sancho Pancho Vio over here. So tell us about your life, Sancho. Is that your real name, Sancho Pancho? It's a nickname, so Sancho is a term of endearment in the Hispanic community. So the Mexicans laughing at you right now, if you're wondering what that noise is.

It pretty much means side dude. Side dude? Yeah, side dude. Okay, why do you go by that? Well, you know, whenever I used to work out a lot and I was, like, more fit, I used to, like, sleep around with, like, committed women, so. Really? Sancho. You mentioned this last time.

You're, like, proud of, like, fuck. fucking guys' wives and shit like that. You can hide everywhere when they come home, huh? I can get out most average-sized windows on 5-1. Yeah. Yeah. Ah. Windows.

Windows is an ongoing theme in this episode. I don't remember this from your last time. Remind us, how many married women do you think you've slept with in your life? If you had to guess, just a ballpark. Not to be specific, but probably like 18. Wow. So this is what you're into, specifically. specifically as married women.

Well, I'm not into it that much anymore. Can you fucking imagine, by the way? Can you fucking imagine? Yeah. Like, what's his name? Charles Adams Jr. was mad that his lady was hooking up with Tyrone. Imagine, just for a second, imagine.

You fucking, you pull into your place early from work one day. And you see this fucking human pillow. crawling out of a fucking window, this temporepetic Tomaso over here. This fucking little softy sancho. This little fucking garbonzo. What do you think about all this? It's almost like karma took it out on him in real time.

You're going to fuck 18 married woman? 5'1. That's the deal. You want to be a side piece? You'll be a wide piece. My goodness. gracious so when's the last time you slept with a married woman oh man not to be specific but probably like three months ago wow so like where did you find this woman give

us an example we want to walk a day in the life of sancho pancho via these women yeah how do you do it do a step ladder usually i don't know come on no give us the real tea here like hanging out you know just like on the bar scene i'm really good at like shooting pool yeah you know i can shoot pool really well so um just hanging out drinking out drinking And then, you know, I see someone that kind of looks heartbroken. I'm like, hey, looks like you're having a hard night. Like, you know, just trying to be that, you know, lap or shoulder to cry on. It's always those guys that fuck your wife.

It's never the big handsome guy. It's always little puncho in the corner. And they'll be like, oh, you know, just my, you know, baby daddy ain't shit. You look like a pillow to cry on. Yeah. Because, like, you know, it's mostly ghetto women with, like, like, no shit baby daddies. Yeah, you know, wow.

You're a small motherfucker, huh? So three months ago was the last one. Take us through it exactly what happened. You're at a pool hall? No, well, a bar with pool table. Yeah, but that one, exactly three months ago. How did you find that one? Yeah, so I was at a pool hall.

Wow. And I was just like waiting for my turn on the table. Now, when you play pool, are you like visualizing being the cue ball? Yeah. I'm one with the ball, yeah. And so, yeah, and so, like, I just, like, was looking around and, like, my buddy had gone to the restroom and I saw some girl just kind of, like, sad at the end of the bar.

And, you know, I do okay for myself, monetary-wise, so I was like, you know. How tall is the bar that you hop on? Probably, like, to, like, we're, like, eh, like a little bit, like, a little bit, like, shorter than that. Probably, like, chest deep. Wow. And so, yeah, I was like, hey, you know, girl, like, how you doing? You all right?

Looks like you're sad. And what did she say? And she was just like, oh, you know, my baby daddy'd be tripping. And she was like, oh, you know, he's out with my car right now, and he left me here. And I don't know where he's at. And I was like, it looks like you could use another beer. You know, what are you drinking, Modelo? She was like, yeah.

And I was like, all right, cool. And then what? So then, like, after a few more Modellos, I was like, hey, well, I mean, the bar. gonna like close soon I have a car and she was like yeah all right and so then from there we went to like a hotel and I had like tequila as well and like my cooler so like you have a little cooler that you keep hold on a second it's not a little cooler to him it's a fridge this feels like gnome fan fiction that's like so you have a little cooler that you keep where in the backseat in the trunk uh usually behind

the driver's seat because my feet my seat's far up so it can fit behind it oh my god dream lift driver oh my god so what made you get a hotel and not take her back to your place oh i never take it back to my place because then like when they make up with their baby daddy they come clean and they're like oh you know fucking sancho blah blah oh my you know like you were cheating on me so I was cheating on you with so-and-so and I can't have them coming back to where does this guy live and they're like the Holiday Inn Express exactly yeah yeah yeah holy shit so you're like a master of this craft yeah uh yeah I mean I've been a 18 time is your place big for him yeah exactly it's 400 square feet it's a mansion he looks at an elevator like damn bro every room's a sweet at the holiday Express yeah my personal beds are full size but I started to do a few roles to get out of it. Hell yeah, absolutely.

How small are you? Let me stand next to you. Yeah, let's see exactly. Wow. Oh, my God. Look that. It's like an episode of twins, you know what I'm saying? You guys look like mascots for human trafficking.

Ari, if you stand there too long, he's going to be asking you why you look so sad. Wow, Sancho, Pancho, Via, I am going to give you what appears to be a I can't remember. How is the set? Is it okay? Well, any book is big. I'm going to give you what appears to be a huge joke book. It's a massive joke book.

There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Sancho Pancho Via. All right. I'm going to pull a name out. We're going to go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile... Maybe it's just a phase you're going through.

You'll get over it. I can't help you with that. The next appointment is in six months. You're not alone. Finding mental health support shouldn't leave you feeling more lost. At CAMH, we know how frustrating it can be trying to access care. We're working to build a future where the path to support is clear, and every step forward feels like progress.

Not another wrong turn. Visit camh.ca to help us forge a better path for mental health care. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness, there's the lovely Heidi, everyone. All right, hold on a second, because we have a special treat, everybody. This is this man's first time ever doing stand-up comedy. This is a new friend of ours that comes from our new-found friendship with one of the newest Texans, the great and powerful.

Well, I guess we'll just get to it. We'll talk about it in the interview portion. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, This is the Kill Tony debut and his first time doing stand-up, a special treat. This is the debut of Make Some Noise for Jedi, everybody. This is Jedi. How are you guys doing? I am very, very nervous this evening.

I've just been informed by my wife that we're expecting a child. Let me finish. we're expecting a child to come out with some serious allegations against me. And I think this child has a pretty strong case. I'm just kidding. I'm not married. But I would get married.

I mean, I've been looking for some love out here. It just seems like the women here, you know, they're older women, you know. junior high hi hey wait wait a second I wasn't going to tell those jokes but I actually am looking for a woman I'm looking for a woman you know she has to you know listen because I talk a lot she also has to mix it up in the bedroom a little bit you know maybe start on her back maybe move to her stomach maybe her knees you know we'll see also wow but if I could leave you with one

thing it's just that not all middle-aged single men without children are pedophiles because a lot of us are thank you so much taking away red man Jedi specializing in pedophilia jokes ladies and gentlemen gambling it all on pedophile jokes tonight for his debut set so Jedi first of all how about one more time for Jedi everybody why don't you tell these fine people Jedi what you do for work I work with the wonderful Mr. Woody Harrelson. Love you, brother. The great Woody Harrelson, who just so happens to be a newfound fan of Kill Tony

and one of the coolest people in the world. And you've been his stand-in. Stand-in. So when they're setting cameras and doing everything that they have to do for Woody Harrelson, he doesn't have to be there for that. You get to just be there. Yeah, that's me. 25 years.

hanging out together he's basically family to me and I love him so much and solid he's super solid you cats so uh Jedi what made you want to start stand up here tonight uh you know like it's kind of like you need to go get on kill Tony I mean I do this every day on a set with cameras in front of me uh but for 25 years I've heard you need to do stand up you know I'm not funny when somebody to tell jokes but I mean I don't know I'm here what great I love it what made you commit to purely pedophile jokes here tonight uh the force I'm not married no I just saw people on set when they said hey we want to you've got to get on kill Tony I had some people help me write some stuff you know I was like I said okay for

other people to write jokes I mean I've done that for comics um so I just went with it. You know, fuck it, right? It is true. And Jedi is the life of the party when everyone's hanging out. And I'm telling you, Woody and his whole crew knows how to have a lot of fun. There's an unbelievable amount of creative energy and marijuana and tequila. And it turns into a lot of fun every time we hang out.

And you're always the life of the party. And we never hear a pedophile joke then. This is the first time I'm finding out about your... It's a joke, dude. No, I know. I know. I love kids. I have four nieces.

I love them to death. They're great. I bet you... I bet you do, Jedi. Hey, Jedi, just for some information, the legal age of consent in Estonia, 14. Is it really? And you legally have to say that in a track suit. Yeah.

So, Jedi, tell us what's something crazy that you've seen out there, you know, while filming? It's got to be a crazy job. It sounds like a show that hasn't been made yet, like stand-in. It's like a fun fact, part of the crew is McConaughey's stand-in, and you are like buddies. You guys hang out. And you kind of, kind of look like Woody, and he kind of, kind of looks like McConaughey. Well, Henry is incredible. We make a lot of jokes about these guys all the time.

It's like we're doing our own show with these cats, you know what I mean? Because it's pretty awesome. You guys are going to love the show. It's called Brothers. It's going to be on Apple TV. I don't have Apple TV, so I won't see it. But it's pretty fun. And these guys, I mean, I have so many stories.

I don't know if I can, I guess I could say whatever I wanted, but I want to keep working. Yeah. Probably best. You know, we, you know, it's a lot of standing around, you know, what he's, you know, either playing hacky sack or looking for a coloring book or something, you know. And Matthews giving me statistics on a Texas football game. Yep. You know, I could.

I was on the sideline with them on Friday night, Texas versus Texas A&M, and it was a lot of fun. Me, those two, the governor, fucking rolling around, popping wheelies on touchdowns and shit. It was an incredible, it's an incredible thing. Woody has the best marijuana on planet Earth. Do you smoke weed? I smoke a lot of weed. I'm gonna do a little plug. Woody has a store called the woods in West Hollywood.

Yeah. And it's out of control. I mean, you can say there's tree houses. Yeah, I've been there. You have been there. Yeah, there's like birds and shit. Yeah. He's crazy.

He got rid of two of them because Peter showed up. They're like, oh, you know, what do you? Yeah, these birds were all fucked up. This bird didn't know what he is, dude. He was fucking barking. These birds are fucked up, dude. Rio, Molly, and George. I believe we kept George, but the other birds,

like, we're getting high, and then, you know, Peter shows up. All these birds are here, and, you know, we love animals, you know what I mean, but a couple of the birds were a little eye control, you know? Amazing. How does one get into the stand-in game? I guess you just have to be cool as hell,

and people have to want you to be around them. You have to have a good energy and stay positive, stay positive all the time, right? Yeah, I mean, I just kind of, it was so crazy. I was working on a show called Will & Grace. I don't know if you remember that. Wow. And you never saw.

You don't have a TV. Will and Grace is coming out soon in Estonia. We're all behind. Oh, shit, I could go Will and Grace jokes forever, but I don't want to end my career the first night I'm on a stage. We're not ending it tonight. You're just getting started, Jedi. But how'd you meet, how'd you get into that?

I met Wood through our director, Jimmy Burroughs, who created Cheers. He introduced us. And he's like, you guys are going to love each other. You know, I was like the weed guy working on the show, you know. I was like, it was crazy. I don't even, like, read the scripts. Jimmy would come in. He's like, hey, you know, well, he's like, I want you to meet my friend.

I'm like, I don't have a fuck about celebrity. He's like, I want you to meet Woody Heraldson. I'm like, I fucking love that guy. Hell, yeah. And he goes, you guys are going to be friends forever. Here we are 25 years later. Wow. Um, but, uh, so you've stood in on everything.

Not everything, you know, somebody has to water the plants. Ah. What do you mean exactly? Weed. Oh, yes. Got it. True detective. Did you do that one?

I didn't do true detective. Oh, fuck. Weed. Weed. It is ridiculous weed, by the way. I have been lucky enough to smoke with all the big smokers, right? Snoop is a buddy, worked with him on and off for the last 15. years, all of them. I smoked Woody Harrelson's weed recently and I had to go for a walk,

like a legit walk. In fact, I did again on Friday night. We ended up gravitating from the sideline up to McCona Hayes Suite. He handed me a little sneaky vape pen, which is like the size of a, I don't even know, like it was a giant vape pen. I don't even know where it came from. I hit it twice. I handed it back and he goes, you want to hit it one more time. And there's a part where you're, I kind of knew, like, I should let that settle in. And no, I, but he's kind of like, come on, come on, buddy. And when Woody Harrelson's like, come on, buddy, like it's a little peer pressure. And, and I did. And then almost immediately afterwards, I'm like, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to go for a little walk. I'll see you guys

in a little bit. And I got lost outside of Texas Stadium for about 20, 25 minutes. I was outside, back inside, outside, inside. It was crazy. And I'm a grown-ass man. And this is how good. And I smoke every single day, continuously. Well, you're lucky you could walk. Yes, it's very tricky. So, Jedi, let me ask you this. You're definitely, you were making jokes,

but what's your love life actually like? Tell us about it. My love, you mean my rub life? What do you mean? Do you stand in for Woody on that one too? All right, Woody, she's ready to bust! Woody! What I mean is you're almost out of lotion in the green room is what I mean.

I'm like this close to getting sponsored by jerkins, seriously. Really? What do you do? What do you watch like porn or something when you asked you? No, I don't have cable, dude. I live in a cable. Do you have a... Do you just use your imagination?

You know, it's been since June 15th. June 15th, I had my first Asian taco. It was incredible. Wait, what do you mean? I mean, I slept with an Asian woman. Oh, my goodness. Why was that more gross than when you were talking about pedophilia? That was crazy.

Dude, that was a joke. We know. Asian taco. I've got writers, dude. Yeah. Come on. So, this Asian taco, how exactly, where did you meet this girl at? In Texas.

Okay. Just like the great state of Texas. Just somewhere between El Paso and Corpus. Yeah. You matter. Yeah. Okay. And what did you learn that day?

Was that your first Asian woman that you ever? It was. What did you... She said, hey, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna give you this taco and don't fall in love. And, you know, I was like, I kind of did. Oh my goodness. But I'm over it now. Do you pay for a 30-minute massage or...

So you were saying you were hungry for more 30 minutes later? That weed is really strong. She spent the night. Ah. Jedi, you have made your kill-tony debut. The stand-in. You know what, Jedi, if you ever want to do a couple minutes at the Secret Show, it's open for you

any time you want to try it out. If you want to do it again. Thursday night. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Thank you, guys. Have it a hand for Jedi, ladies and gentlemen. Who knows?

Maybe when Brothers comes out on Apple TV, When do you think that's coming out, Jedi? February, March. I had to get... Oh, no, it's coming out next fall. Next fall. And it's incredible, you guys. It's fucking insane.

It's Kenny Power shit. It's hilarious. Love it. The return of McConaughey and Woody back together. Thank you guys so much. Thank you guys. Jedi, ladies and gentlemen. Maybe we'll be able to talk Woody and McConaughey

into joining us on panel sometime. Who knows? Make some noise for your next book. bucket pool. Ryan Shields, everybody. Ryan Shields. Woo. Thank you. So I raised my kids in the suburbs of San Antonio. And when my daughter first started dating, one of her friends let it slip that her boyfriend was in a gang.

I said, no, he's not. He lives in a cul-de-sac. First time I met the kid, he was, I looked at him. I was like, Who are you repin the lactose intolerant kings? Take your weed allergy and get the fuck out of here. I know, like, look, all I'm saying is, if you can't process dairy or certain multigrains, I'm not afraid of you. Yeah, fuck off, Tanner.

I will end you with a milkshake and a bagel right now. And I see this all the time, and it needs to stop. I don't know who needs to tell them, maybe it's me, but look, how are you supposed to be for these streets with peanut allergies and autism? I don't know, some of you ladies, you're still worried about walking alone in the park or going to your car at night. Just start moisturizing with peanut oil. Yeah, take his breath away.

If that doesn't work, I just use my dad voice. I'm just go, hey! And they freeze because it activates their autism. And it was like seeing the tiger in the way. All right, Ryan Shields. Welcome to the show. Ryan, Ari. Give it up for a stand-in for a fat, creepy fuck. Yeah, somehow you make Jedi look like Dave Chappelle.

That's incredible. Ryan, how long you've been doing stand-up? About 14 years. 14 years. Holy shit, man. Wow, that's crazy. Where at? In the Liver King's backyard?

My God. Where have you been doing stand-up for 14 years? I'm out of San Antonio. Okay, out of San Antonio. That's where you've always lived? Yeah. Okay. Ari, what do you want to say?

I see you. No, no, it's over. No, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It was a liver king joke and you said it and I fucked up. Okay. And I got nervous and now I'm over it.

Okay. Ryan, what do you do for a living? I do stand up. God damn it, that's exactly what I was hoping you wouldn't say. So was that just a rough, rough, rough set? Yeah, that usually goes a lot better. I think I just let into it weird. It's more of a lead up to it, but, you know, fuck it.

Yeah, here we are. here we are Ryan 14 years do you think you have like a better joke that you could have done instead yeah so like a banger of a joke that you have after 14 years yeah all right let's do that ladies and gentlemen Ryan Shields all right let's let's try it again

14 years I've been hanging out with these young comedians so they get me to try this new shit like I've tried aluminum free deodorant yeah it doesn't work and the problem is it's deceptive because like you put it on as soon as you get out of the shower and you're like

oh that does smell like coconuts but then like four hours later you're like oh those coconuts have turned I think I found out with a rum is gone ooh so I went right back to aluminum I know it's bad for you I know RFK's like it causes autism I don't give a shit I can use a touch of the tism I'm fine I could be into trains yeah it's better than the other trains I've been a part of Look, I was an engineer on that train, all right? I don't want you to think something weird. Like, that's where you want to be.

You want to be an engineer on those trains. You do not want to be a caboose. Because you're pushing a lot of loads in front of you. All right, Ryan, let's talk about it. How much money are you making a year doing stand-up? A year? Yeah. About 50 grand.

Okay. And you love it. You love what you do. You would never do anything else. Nothing else. So, do you have any like side hustles or anything like that? Oh, I'll do a podcast. I do act a little bit.

What have you acted in? There's a little show on Paramount Plus called Landman. Okay. You've been on Landman. Yeah. Okay. For 37 fucking seconds, but I'm in it, so I'm counting it. Okay.

Yep. Well, you have a little cheering section over there of what appears to be mentally ill hillbillies. Ryan, tell us something wild about your life that would surprise us. Wild? I just had a colonoscopy. I don't know if that's wild. Oh, Red Band just had his first colonoscopy too. You like it?

You guys are colonoscopy brothers over here. Let me tell you, it sucks when I was getting mine done, and they're wheeling you down the hallway with all the nurses and doctors. And one of the nurses or doctors recognized me and goes, you're really doing it, Red Band. It fucking sucks. Are you serious? I'm fucking serious.

It sucks. That's so funny. You're really doing it, Randman? That is so fucking funny. What came out of your ass? That's why JRE asked, like, do you go to like a special private doctor instead? Right. That's amazing.

What did he say? Does he go to a special doctor? I guess not. It's none of your business. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. But isn't it like you can't eat a few days before, right? 24 hours, yeah. Yeah, it's cool because you actually see it.

I would have loved to have seen that reality show. Holy shit. One of the most difficult things Red Man has ever done in his favorite. Red Band was like the old lady in a Requiem for a dream. Like the kitchen's just like, hello, Red Bear. Come on over here. The cupboards are like shaking. Just cereal boxes spilling themselves onto the floor.

No! No! The bread that you could stick your thumb in and use it as a box. This was floating all of garden bread sticks in the air. Just alfred up sauce pouring out of the kitchen sink. No! No! Oh, that's amazing. How did you make it through that 24 hours?

Well, it really sucks. It was our buddy's birthday party, Matt. And I had this great idea like, oh, you know, let's get, I can drink tonight. Let's get wasted tonight. And then I thought I could eat in the morning and I read when I got home, you couldn't. And so I had a hangover, I couldn't eat anything. I was, actually, I chewed stuff and just spit it out in the trash can. Jesus Christ!

That's the baddest thing. That's the baddest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. I've never heard anyone microdosed food before. That's great. I almost just fainted right then. That is the most red band thing I think I've ever heard. I need a taste. And they give you all this medicine,

so you just shit yourself every, like, five minutes. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's go back. What type of food were you chewing and then spitting out? I had leftovers from the place. It was like a steak. You're just chewing. Chewing it, drinking the juice.

And then I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and spit it out. That's about it. Yeah. Oh, in ice, I had a lot of ice. You swallowed the ice. Wow. God. Oh, God.

Oh, it's so funny. God, that's amazing. Can you even spit out all of peanut butter and jelly? Yeah. He just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He had a little shrap now. A little bad. He had a little.

There's no peanut butter juice coming out of there. And then you shoot yourself there too, right? I didn't shit myself there. No, I got to the point where I couldn't sleep that night because I was shitting every 10 minutes. To the point where it was just stomach bile, just stomach bile. But what was interesting is like when I could eat, how long it took to get, to become food, it was like seven hours.

Wow. Not a lot of people know this, but that night, Red Band Diary it and a stripper's pussy at Perfect 10. All right. Ryan Shields. You know, I mean, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just a da, da, da, da, da, da. the sound or the lights or something, but 14 years.

Maybe it's just the pressure, maybe your timing's a little bit off, but it just wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't great. It wasn't connecting here tonight, but sign up again. Come back. It's a short drive from San Antonio. Ryan Shields, very interesting. Ryan Shields, everybody. Wow, that's just wild.

14 years, huh? And there we go. We end up talking about your colonoscopy for half his interview. All right, let's do this. This will be our final bucket pool of the night. We're in overtime here. Make some noise for Matthew LaCore, everybody. Matthew LaCore.

Going over time for me, thank you. I was about 11 years old on a play date, my friend Kyle, the first time I walked in and my mom having sex. It's my fault. I was on my way to the kitchen, a real private place. The rice crispsies were taking a while. I'll never forget.

I was walking down the hallway, I turned the corner, a small detail, tiny detail. There's only two adults in the house, my mom and Kyle's mom, that's it. So I turned the corner, I'll never forget. True story, I see my mom pinning this woman to the wall. Left-hand throat. Yeah, just plug it in there. Now that there's tape there, you can't even see where to put it in. Yeah, just give him that one.

Yeah, put that down. There you go. Lecourt everybody continue my bad guys god damn keep going I turn the corner and she's pinning this woman the wall left hand throat right hand thigh I fucking freeze right before I can run back to the room she grabs her the ass she picks her up and pins her to that she pushes her pelvis forward I don't know why but I'm so proud that my mom's at top does that make sense like I I never told Kyle, but I didn't feel a sense of superiority.

Like kids at school will be like, my dad'll beat up your dad. My mom will fuck your mom, dog. What are we talking about? What the fuck are we talking about? Am I, I'm a 90s kid? She does Deb Reebok? That shit works.

All right, we got there. Matthew Lecore, welcome. Matthew Lecore. Okay, welcome, Matthew. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. I used to have a long hair, but I shaved it so I can do slurs again. What kind of slurs?

Are you doing exactly? Why did the hair stop? You're like, Steve. It was too hippie. People thought I was left winning. Okay. Matthew, how long have you been doing stand-up?

I say like four to five years, but I didn't start taking it seriously until I moved to Austin. When was that? About a year. About a year ago. Wow. That's amazing. Short time, somehow eight times funnier than a guy that's been doing at 14 years. What do you do for work, Matthew?

I actually work at Cap City. I work at Cap City, a door guy. Okay, all right. So that's the second employee from Cap City tonight. How do you like working up there at the domain? That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to do everything that I can to get as close as I can to comedy, honestly.

You get to watch comedians? Yeah. It used to be a door guy, too. It's a great opportunity to watch comedians and learn. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. Sana and I were door guys at the Comedy Store.

Yeah, any young comedians, that's the number one thing. get closest to the comedy i mean of course you can do open mics but you can only learn so much from a guy who's 14 years in and still at narbar yeah so you can learn from professional comedians yeah they get good comedians there yeah yeah do you sometimes uh like uh how do you get on stage of cap city do you sometimes uh open open mic but they don't get with a lot of stage and that's uh because that's like the bonus of also being a door guy so nobody going up it also depends where you're a door guy big time right like the comedy store has three rooms and those rooms all have comedians doing 15 minutes so

you end up with 16 comedians in one room 14 and another and eight in another and then they flip two of those three of those rooms to do it all again whereas Cap City probably only has what four yeah yeah two comedians two rooms but there's an opener feature and a headliner right that's every show pretty much I'm trying I'm just trying to get as much time as I can yeah where were you at guy tell us we don't know I was a door guy shortly at comics lounge in Australia I was a door guy at another club in Vancouver called yuck yucks I remember yuck yuck yeah yeah I've been to the comics lounge many times yeah comics lounge didn't

work out too much I had to like do the work I was watching too much comedy nice guys though you were once on a show many many many moons ago yes in the time we met me and Joe Rogan invaded Melbourne Australia and you were randomly on that show yeah i did a guest spot you guys were doing the theater and then you came down to the club this was like fucking nine years ago yeah yeah and also that night was one of those magical nights where yeah somebody was missing and then they gave me three minutes i ran the light they did five and bombed but you guys didn't see that you were smoking weed in the back it was cool perfect yep it all worked out perfectly it was awesome yeah matthew tell us something

crazy about your life your real life that we would find interesting or compelling you were on this show once before you've had enough time to think about a second interview on this show you're in it right now actually i'll be uh competing at thursday night jujitsu on you look like you yeah i got the ear stuff yeah yeah yeah when i did jujitsu that was the only thing i didn't get i really want the fucking ears yeah want the fucking call it yeah you can't smash your ear between uh i know i actually tried it you put two bricks and smash it but my ears are so fucking malleable you literally pull them up in your ass and nothing happens no i love those ears oh thank you it's yeah it's like It's all for show. That's why I would do it. What belt are you? Don't you do a podcast with Brian Callan? All right, never mind.

That did not work. Oh, yeah. Don't ever disrespect me like that again. Oh, I get it. That's great. That's crazy. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, I just don't like that guy.

Red man. I wish you could chew that joke up and spit it out. But yeah, you came out and you went straight into material, and it was like multiple. The last joker, of course, the mic, such a fucking mishap but in stand-up always that happens there's heckles there's whatever so you have to adapt to that

but sometimes yeah when you come out here there's a lot of pressure and sometimes it's good to leave a beat of silence before you go into material so the cognitive functions like get accustomed to what you look like so sometimes if you go

okay what he said cognitive functions he's like I think I have some of it so sometimes Sometimes if you go straight into it, they missed the first joke. But I get it. You want to get it out. You want to get it out.

Sometimes silence has more information than noise. That is very, very true. And like there's a whole thing of, you know, you want to get as many jokes as you can out. But sometimes you just got to quit when you're ahead. My mom will fuck your mom. Got a big laugh. It was after the meow and the set right there. Yeah, fair.

That's true. Yeah. Okay. So, Matthew, I'm going to be honest with you. Jiu-Jitsu, that jacket. You kind of seem like you could have some real douchebag qualities to you. That's fair. Give us an example of what the duchiest thing about you is.

Dushiest thing? Oh, do we go honest? I had an affair. Let's talk about it. So you were married? I was. And then what happened? The marriage wasn't going well.

And then I met this beautiful yoga teacher that fucking broke my heart. Okay, so did you take her yoga class? Where did you meet her at? uh we were actually working together i had just gotten out the military and uh she was a swim coach i was a lifeguard fucking at a gym yep and you were a lifeguard yep and she was a swim coach yep and then what happened um we we gave each other the eyes across the pool and then what happened um and then and then you know things happened i ended up being honest to my wife i did do that and uh afterwards no no i didn't do anything physical with her until

me and my wife were divorced. So you said to your wife, you go, look, I've been given eyes to a swim instructor. To the swim instructor, yeah. The instructor know you're married, too? Yeah. But that's harder for me. Yeah, dude, I think she was into it.

Women love that shit. She's like, I'm going to take them. Yeah. So you told your wife that you were going to leave her? Yeah, I was in love with this other woman. And then how are you in love if you had never done it?

Because I was 24 and retarded. Okay. And now, how old are you? 32. 32 and retarded. Okay. So. It'll last, but still pretty retarded.

How long, after you told your wife, so you started hooking up with the swim instructor shortly thereafter. And how long did that last? About three months. Three months. And then what happened? You said she broke your heart. Yeah. How did she break your heart? She decided to stay with her husband.

Wow. Oh my God. So hot. Yeah. This is amazing. This is so hot. This story is a one-five-one Mexican away. Yeah, perfect.

I was just going to say, Sancho Villa is going to be finding the shallow end of that pool real quick here. Yeah. If your wife is banging, dude, then you show up and is this guy cauliflower or douche-bad, look. Then you're like, I get it. But pancho? Yeah. Fucking poncho! She's going to be sipping that backseat tequila any day now.

Wow. And then like what? Now you have no wife, no new love? No, no, no. I'm with somebody in a stable relationship, yeah. Do you regret leaving your wife at the time for her? Do you think... No, I regret the way I handled it.

I was just, you know... 24. Yeah, I was 24 and stupid. Yeah, I wish I would have handled it incredibly different. Did you save anybody's lives as a lifeguard? I mean, I helped some silly kids that didn't know how to swim. Fun fact, not a lot of people know this. the world's worst lifeguard of all time.

Dee Madness, ladies and shut up. Not only is he blind, but he also definitely can't swim. Is that right, Dee? Wrong. Oh! He's always full of surprises this fucking guy. Of course he can swim. You swim a lot, Dee?

I have. Okay. Very good. Eating the pussy? No, Matthew, you're not allowed to make jokes at Dee Madness. Shut you got a damn mad. Shut your motherfucker. I will find you.

Shit. I will feel you. Were you swimming or did someone put you in a bathtub? Oh, Asan, how dare you? D-Man is about to beat you to death with a bass guitar. Damn right. All right, Matthew. Fun times, buddy.

Here you go. Here's a medium joke book. Congratulations, Matthew Lecore. On to the finale of the night, ladies and gentlemen. With Ari Maddie here. Dedrick in the middle. There's only one way to end a show like this. And that is with our

Hulk Hogan, if you will. Our Hall of Famer with the most appearances, the most interviews, a living member of the Kiltony Hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is William Montgomery.

I told Red Band about Black Friday, and he said, they already get February, now Friday. I feel like the results of my polygraph tests are gaslighting me. The other day. Today, I watched a David Lynch film dubbed in Portuguese, and it finally all makes sense. A doctor ran some test on Kim Kardashian and concluded that she has low brain activity.

A few years ago, that same doctor ran some test on LeBron James and concluded that he is black. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Lights Out Montgomery, the fighting pride of Memphis, Tennessee. And here he is with a brand new look. I love it.

You've been... It's freezing outside. You are adorable in this weather. It's very nice. I'm very bald. I don't know people. It's always very... It gets in my head a lot when I have to lean down

and grab a napkin or something when I'm on stage. And I lean over and I'm always like, wait, hold on. Am I going bald or something? Not a lot of people know this, but that's what a Indian woman's vagina looks like. We do look like a photo negative on each other. I know, you look good at son.

Oh, you too. You do got a good at Elmer Fudd vibe going on right now. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I bought a bunch of these hats on eBay. I've been going on a tear, Tony. I grew up with this app, but I got some other ones coming in the mail. And I actually caught the FedEx,

the bitch that works at fucking FedEx. I caught her today not delivering one of my packages up the steps. It pissed me off. And I said, hey, thanks so much. I'll grab that from you. And she doesn't even look up to do, she doesn't even look at me. Wow.

So I think I'm going to try to do something to her next time. Like, like, whoa. Grab her and something. What exactly do you mean? What are you going to? There's a place you can walk. When you're walking out to my place, there's a place where I'm going to put some string

or some rope or something and her stupid fucking ass is going to trip really bad. You're a scary guy to look at while you're working at. Yeah. Look at me. Yeah. Yeah, just on eBay. I've just been on eBay.

a shit ton. You can't tell the Kill Tony regulars are making a lot of money. You have William on eBay. No, I wouldn't say that. No, no, no.

Oh, okay. That's right. It's not. No, but seriously, I mean, it seems like this year the economy is maybe not as good. That's what I'm finding.

Maybe people just don't think I'm funny. I don't know. I think I'm doing a wonderful show up there, but it's less and less tickets being sold. I mean, it's turning into a real nightmare for me.

So, Tony, that's why I stopped you there. You got Ari Maddie coming in with custom. made jogging suits. You have Dedrick, who's only been a regular for like four weeks. Yeah, what the fuck? How's I'm getting all his fucking money?

I know. Yeah, you have 15 Oriental rugs that you've been talking about the last couple weeks. They were from eBay. They were kind of cheap. What is your thing with not admitting that you've done well for yourself? It's okay. I mean, I'm 38. There's a hopefully a decent amount of time

for me to live. It could all just in tomorrow, Tony. I have to be just so careful. And now I'm stressed out about it. I'm still in the funk. I still have not done the row machine. It's very sad. I have to. So your sciatica acted up and you've been taking a big break from the row machine. And that has affected you in a great many ways. Is that correct? Yes. It's been about a month. Wow. And are you thinking about getting back into rowing? Yeah, I have to. I have to just go force myself. I've been staying up all night. I finished a puzzle. Everybody would be proud. I think I finished a thousand piece puzzle in two days and less than 48 hours and I'm starting on another one tonight. Wow. I already

literally I went through I have a method now I get all the pieces up I get piles of them and I get them separated into the colors while I'm also looking for the edge pieces. Wow. Somehow you are way scarier than the jiu-jitsu guy. Yeah a guy doing puzzles so organize the colors while also looking for the edge pieces. That is amazing. I I've never heard of an approach of doing puzzles like this. What was the last puzzle you did? What would people expect to see on the puzzle that William Montgomery did? Oh, my gosh.

You're talking about the last one? The one I just finished? Yeah. What's on that puzzle? The one I literally... Yeah, let's hear about it. It's the one you just did. The puzzle.

People are guessing. Wolves and trains. Wolves and trains, what an idiot. No, it had nothing to do with fucking Wolves and trains, dumbass. Wolves and trains. You think I'm doing a fucking puzzle with wolves and trains?

No, this puzzle was an open fucking refrigerator, Tony. I worked on a fucking watermelon for a while last night. Whoa! What else was in me? I don't know. That was the most exciting. That had a lot of red in it. I had a bunch of red pieces of red, pieces of red cake glass nib.

You could see the seeds, too, probably, right? No, I was it seedless water. Oh, seedless watermelon. It's a texture. I was looking for the specific red texture with that red. Interesting. Yeah, it's real fun. It's almost like a dark pink.

Yeah, it was like a dark pink color. So there was just a open refrigerator with just a watermelon in it? A cut open watermelon? That's the whole puzzle. There's also a gallon of milk, Tony! Oh, a gallon of milk! milk wow the world wants to know what else was my gosh tony i have been drinking a bunch of milk but not with my protein shape because i'm doing the rome machine because i'm eating two giant

bowls of uh what is the cereal it has all brand roasted mini wheat oh you love frosted mini weeds this is my mom's favorite cereal oh it's wonderful yeah so i'm off of the fiber i'm eating that. I'm hurting myself a lot right now. Tony, I've got to get out of it. I've got to snap out of it. It's getting scary. Tell us more. You don't want to hear it. It's getting real scary. I'm literally planning on tripping the fucking woman from FedEx tomorrow, and I don't think I should be talking about it right now. We have a nice looking police officer, some nice guy over there. I don't think I need to be talking about this. The police love us. They'll cover for you. Yeah, I'm going to get her fucking ass tomorrow.

I have something real heavy coming tomorrow. Yeah, something very heavy. Yeah, you just keep ordering heavier on heavier things. But I got to snap out of it, Tony, so we'll see. Okay. All right. And what are you going to do if this FedEx woman is carrying that box to your place? Seize the string and steps over the string.

Exactly, what's your plan then? maybe just straight up assault or something you're like a mud ball a mud ball mud ball a mud ball it's been raining a mud ball yeah a mud ball you're gonna find you're gonna accumulate put some rocks in it I've never even heard of such a white dresser oh a mud ball oh my gosh back in Memphis my buddies and I one of my friends lived on this very dark street and the cars would go very fast

and after it would rain we would all be on the side and And we would honk these fucking just things of mud and rocks. It would slam into the glass windows and we would all go run and hide. And it was very exciting. I did that a lot growing up. I was say balls of mud and rocks. It's very Muslim of you.

Yeah. A mud ball does sound like a slur that I would call a son in the green room on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I usually call them a sand rabbit. A little fun fact, you can call anybody you want, a slur if you make the slur. if you make the slur up yourself.

You can't use a slur that's been used before. It's very easy. You take something of that ethnicity and you mix it with a cute animal. What's that one? You were talking about the other day, Red Band? You were doing something. Actually, I called David Lucas a mud ball.

That's where you found that for him. Is that true? No. Oh. Yeah, that'd be embarrassing, Tony. If that's really what I talk mud balls because of his fucking dolmen. That would be...

All right. Well... What's on the new puzzle before I let you go? What's in the puzzle that you're working on? This one has a bunch of cakes. I was confusing myself. This one has a whole bunch of cakes and it's got a bunch of primary colors. It's got reds.

It's got blues. It's got yellows. I feel like you're feeling yourself putting this puzzle. You had the whole like Bob Ross of puzzle thing. I'm about to go do it. Wow. Well... I'm very excited.

I'm about to... Nothing brings this show to a climax better than you. than you starting a new puzzle. We love you. Thanks for having me, totally. William Montgomery, this episode brought to you by prize picks. We did it again.

This is a crazy show with a crazy bucket tonight. He had a lot of fun. Somehow, other than the regulars, somehow the trans woman stole the show. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. That is indeed AsanaMod and Ari Maddie. Let's see what the local artist, Chris,

Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Dedrick. Dedrick, pre-grilled Dedrick. Red band? Check out my fake band Capred 7 on iTunes and YouTube. What do you guys want to plug? I got a podcast called The Solid Show

with my friend Derek Poston, and then I have a special coming out soon in January called Too Soon. Look for it on the podcast channel. There you go. Ari Matty. I am on my first national American tour called Here to Stay. And tickets are really low at the moment in Atlanta.

We have 900 available. Three sold. So for the love of God, do you like me or do you like me? He is one of the best stand-up comedians of the world. R-E-Maddy.com. It's a brand new tour. He's being very humble right now. Pre-sale starts, well, it's going to be on sale when this episode comes out.

So go to R-E-Maddy.com, support the great and powerful Estonian assassin. He could be weeks away from becoming the newest. citizen of the United States of America, ladies and gentlemen. Shout out again to our very good friend, Jedi, who made his debut tonight. Shout out to Team Woody Harrelson. And I bought a knife on Thanksgiving. Whoa, a new knife. That is an American knife.

$10 from the corner store. That is amazing. I'm glad you pulled it out after the bucket pools are all gone. We could be dead. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunset stripATX.com for tickets. Thank you.