KILL TONY - #749 - SLY STALLONE (KYLE DUNNIGAN) + TONY YAYO

Episode Date: December 23, 2025

Sly Stallone (Kyle Dunnigan), Tony Yayo, Dedrick Flynn, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 12/08/2025 Take advantage of Ridge’s Biggest Sale of the Year and GET UP TO 47% off by going to https://www.Ridge.com/TONY #Ridgepod Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killedon. Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get over, Tony. Hit me! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? And that is the best damn band in all of the land. This is the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, brought to you by Talk Space. How we doing tonight, huh?

Make some noise for the great Raul Balejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa. That is the great Charles Reed, the third, joining us. Matt Mueling on the electric, John D's on the Keys. And believe it or not, that's not a guy dressed up for Halloween. This is the real D. Madness, live in the flesh. What a fucking overloaded show we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Welcome aboard Via Rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that, and enjoy. Via Rail, love the way.

We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Keltony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tony Hinchcliff.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I book this goddamn show myself and I cannot believe that I was able to secure these two guests tonight. I mean, you know, sometimes we go a little off the rails with exactly who we have. Sometimes it's, you know, two of the biggest comedians on Netflix. Sometimes it's two of the biggest comedians on this and the dad and the blah, blah, blah, blah.

Tonight is very special. Tonight is one of the greatest actors of all time with one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's game. Yes, Sylvester Stallone and Tony Yeo. Yeah. Oh my God. Make some fucking noise. All right.

Tony Yeo. Welcome. Sylvester Stallone. Wow. This is a first. How you doing? Great to be here. Sylvester Stallone, welcome.

Yeah. You're my agent, Tony. He says, hey, you want to kill Tony, you know? And I was like, what's that? And then he told me you get a lot of views. So I said, you know what? Scalone's going to do it. Sylvester Stallone is here.

How about a hand for the great Tony Yeo is here, ladies and gentlemen. The real report. Coming out just after New Year's Eve. A great Tony Yeo. Eating a lot of barbecue. Make some noise for that barbecue. Hell yeah. I like that name, Yale, because it's got a yo in it.

Yeah, yeah. Yay in the beginning, like you like yours. Stallone, you're the man, bro. Stallone and Yeo are here. You guys are both first-time guests, so let me tell you how it works. Over 300 innocent souls, hopeful, hopeful motherfuckers have signed up for tonight's show.

They are loaded up in a bar next door, hoping to get pulled out of this bucket. If they are, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time, uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. I'm going to let this Filipino masseuse pick the first name of the night.

Let's see if we have a happy ending here from this. Oh my goodness, and the first name has been pulled while we go wrangle that person. We're going to have one of our elite golden ticket winners start the show with a minute of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. He was discovered here on Kill Tony, given a golden ticket immediately on an episode with a record, I think, 22 bucket pools. We could not find anyone funny. One night at Vulcan Gas Company about three or four years ago, and we just kept pulling and pulling and pulling in a very fast turbo round. And finally, we found this man with no voice. After two appearances, Howie Mandel discovered him on this show,

rushed him on America's Got Talent, got second place, because they sabotaged his final appearance. And now he is here for us. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, for the golden ticket winner, the great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here he is. Live in the flesh, taking the mic out of the mic stand.

It's a real circus, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is, the great and powerful Aaron Belial, moving the mic stand and grabbing his phone. And any second now, the show will begin. Here it comes, and here we go. In three, two, one. To get the American experience, I went out shooting the other day. I shot a 308 in the clay and a handgun.

What kind of idiot would give me a rifle? That's just irresponsible. They were super cool about it. The guy hands me a handgun, but they didn't notice that when they handed me the gun. They all took like three steps back. They're like, this is America, so we are going to let him shoot. But also, this very special boy is definitely going to shoot one of us. Luckily, I had my handicapped pass, so I just shot everything.

So there's a serial killer in Austin, Texas, that has been killing a bunch of people at Lady Bird Lake. I have a big secret. It was me. And I tried to turn myself in and tell them it was me. And they were like, no, you're not. Stop playing. A bunch of ablest assholes. People always underestimate me. I could totally drown a dude in a lake.

I almost drown every time I go into a lake. The great Aaron Belial has started things off for us tonight. for us tonight. I believe that. I believe everything you said. Can you swim? Do you know how to swim? Perfect. So you and Tony Yeo have the same swimming style.

I still don't know how to swim yet. How about you, Slice Stallone? What's your swimming skills like? You know, just kind of just punch the water. Get up to the top of it and then push that on it. Come on. Let's go. Aaron Belial, how's things been going for you? You've been out on the road, you worked with Steveo, took you all over the place, as though.

I had about 23 shows last month all sold out. Wow. I get a Corvette that I can't drive and get the license plate. I drool. Look at that. I love it when you say something, but the crowd applauds because you don't know if they're gonna applaud or not, and then they applaud over whatever the rest of what you just said was.

You want to hit that, hit that, do you have the same, do you have that button loaded up again? Here, just hit it again. I need a moment to type a response. Oh, shit. Please. All right. Isn't that that was a good time to say that this episode is brought to you by TalkSpace. Oh.

Is that from you? Oh, that's copyrighted music. Here, pause that. Oh, it's not? Wow, you knew it's, you checked and it's fair use? Wow, look at that. Good job, Aaron. If this gets us a song, strike on YouTube. I'm going to break your good arm. I swear to God. I swear to God. It's a fucking $40,000 mistake if you fucking... Is that really coming from your phone? All right, hit pause.

That's psychotic. We get the joke after like 10 seconds. All right. What else is going on, Aaron? It's a hell of a gold chain. I got to tell you. I don't know what fucking Claw machine you got it out of, but probably your own. His left arm is a claw machine, ladies and gentlemen. If you put a quarter inside of him. A guy got arrested at my show this weekend. A guy got arrested at your show. Oh my goodness.

Uh-oh, oh, he's got something. He starts making that noise. You know something's common. Here we go. He tried to fight me. Really? Wow. How did that go? What a bitch. Not well.

Is this one of those? I hid. Oh. Okay. And somehow you came out of the fight the most fucked up. Aaron, anything else crazy going on before we get to this crazy bucket of ours, where we found you. He's gonna plug a bunch of shit right now.

Tickets are available at Aaronbeliole.com. I have 26 shows that I need to sell out this month. I need enough money to be able to buy six more gold chains. Christmas is right around the corner. I need a Rolex. Okay, yeah. You got a lot more shows to do. He's like Stephen Walking.

Is that a good singer? Hey, yo, Tony. That's a very good one, Stallone. I knew it did. You don't try to hit my toe. Aaron Belial, you are the young legend. We love you here. You're always a fucking great way to start the show.

And now it has begun. We go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we give people that some of them we've never seen before. Some of them have been on before and done good. Some of them have been on before and done bad. and done bad. Anything can happen. The Filipino princess in the front selected our first bucket pool tonight.

And so, we're going to meet them all together and then interview this person. The whole thing's improvise. You guys get it. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Lingo Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here comes Lingo. Y'all shut the hell up. I got one minute.

All right? I was talking to my homeboy the other day. I was like, man, I got an addiction. You're like, but what you mean? I said, hey, man, I love fat bitches. He's like, but what the fuck you're talking about? I said, hey, man, chill. You better go get your one.

Because why I sleep on a big bitch, when you can sleep on a big bitch. I like them queen size. Like, I had one. She was about 350 pounds. The bitch was built like a linebacker. I swear to God. I love it because she got straight to the point.

One day she would fucking up a whole bucket of Popeye's fried chicken. She was just, ah! She said, after I finish this bugger the Popeye's fried chicken, I'm a suck your dick, nigga. I said, oh, shit. Greasy head? She was magnificent. She went down, she was sucking a thing so good.

I started singing a theme song in that bitch. I said, ooh, they got a lot of chicken from Popeye's. Shit. I mean, but the big bitch got carried away. She thought my dick was a drumstick. She bet it for real. I said, what the fuck? Shit, sucking dick to the gristle.

Skinny bitch can never. Hey, that's all I got. Lingo Smith. I believe every single word of what you set up here tonight. I believe that was honest material that you, true, I think you're talking about your real life. I think you do be loving them fat bitches. Why are you playing?

Did she share any of the chicken with you? Were you able to resist the bucket? of Popeye's chicken? Hey, we're talking fried chicken. Hell yeah, you got the shed at. You're damn right. You got to share that. Absolutely.

Lingo, what's the biggest girl you've ever been with? Shit, I ain't even going to lie. She's about four, about four-fifty. Oh, my God. Fibdy, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yes. I was in there.

Oh, my God. Now, explain to some of these people. There's some, like, tech nerds here. There's some fucking boring white people that have never been with a faux-fitty before. Can you explain to them some of the details and some of the fun facts about an adventure? I'm going to talk to you because, brother, you look curious.

Yep. Yeah. I'm trying to tell you, you get a big one that's more cushion for the pushing. All right? You get a little skinny one. You're stabbing while you're clapping. It's bullshit.

Staping while they clap. Well, take notes on that. Oh, yeah, your phone locked up. Phone locked up. I love it. I love it. So where do you tend to find some of these? girls that lingo are you on the dating apps or are you out on the streets man you

know you know you can find them anywhere you know what I'm saying you can go out church's chicken go out there they be in the streets yeah it's just different chicken places it seems different chicken is their specialty is there an app for that is there an app to where you could just find a chicken place they need to be one they need a specialized one you know what that's a good idea I might fucking yeah yep yep yep I love it lingo how long you been on stand-up Um, going on about three years. Going about three.

Three years. Where at? I'm from Orlando. I was okay. I shouldn't have fucking gone with my gut there and guessed. Yeah. You're from Orlando. Do you live here now, or are you still in Orlando?

No, I live here, man. I stay Eastfield. Nice. Nice. I love it. East Fifth, represent. Uh, fun fact. Between East Fifth and East Fourth is Fo Fitty. Um.

Lingo, what do you do for a living? Well, I can't tell you that. Really? I can't tell you that. Nigga, I just got the job. Okay. I swear to God. Can you just tell us the field that you work in?

What kind of field is it? So it's really complicated. I work at the opposite of Microsoft. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know, hey, man, fuck it. Man, I showed up late the other day.

I work at Apple, nigga. I work at Apple. You know what I'm saying? And I ain't gonna lie. I don't even know why they hide my black ass. I really, I don't know shit about tech, phones, none of that. Like, they beat the, hey, we need you to push this Apple. Cair the nigga, I don't care.

I'm gonna push it. So you actually work in, like, the Apple store? Yeah, I'd be selling shit. At the mall? Yeah, Barton Creek. Okay, very cool. I've been there a couple times, almost absolutely lost my fucking mind in that place. For real?

Yeah. Hey, I ain't gonna lie, like, so like, I swear to God, like the other day, like a group of nigg that came in, trying to steal some shit. I was like, hey, man, what the fuck? I had to stop it. So what the fuck y'all doing, man? Nica, do this shit on my lunch break.

What the fuck wrong with y'all? I'm saying? I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Amazing. So in your three years of stand-up comedy,

when did you move to Austin exactly? I moved September. Yeah, I moved September. I'm new as hell out here. Yeah. What have you noticed? What's different between Austin and Orlando? The fucking homeless people?

The fuck. somebody would have warned me about these niggas because like these out here they're on mega meth like and they're creative like back in Orlando if you got a homeless person you tell him like but I ain't giving you a dollar they just go on about their fucking way here bro I swear to one I said hey man like you know what matter of fact he came to me like DMX I swear like he sound like DMX he's like hey oh man you got a dollar I was like what the fuck I said here you go gave him a dollar you like you got more What the fuck?

That ain't how this goes. Nigger was robbing me. He was. He was, you got robbed by a homeless guy. Lingo, other than, hell yeah. Other than stand-up comedy, do you have any special skills or talents? Is there like, you seem like the kind of guy

that's really good at something that would surprise? You know, hey, I'm glad you asked that shit, man. I feel like I'm decent at freestyleing, man. Oh, no way. Really? Isn't that freestyle. Well, I mean, when in. I mean, we have the great Tony Yeo here.

Hey, yes, sir, man. Yes, sir. You didn't recognize them? I was so locked in, man. I love it. But you know, I appreciate that, man. I'm a highlight you. I love it.

Then this is, this is Sylvester Stallone. This is the great actor, Sylvester Stallone. Yo. Yes, sir. Yeah. Good job. Good job, nigga. Good job.

All right, well, you got a drummer right behind. You give them a nice little light beat, not too loud. Because I want to be able to hear him. All right, this is how we're going to do this. All right, brother, we got to stay connected. All right, cool. And then we're going to do a little American Idol after that. We're going to talk, check in with our celebrity judges,

the great rapper, producer, Tony Yeo. All right, man, you know what, Tony, you're going to be the judge of this shit, all right? That's what I just said. I don't know what the fuck about to happen. All right, this is how we're going to do. So listen to me, every time. You know what, I got another idea, too. Oh, my bad.

Yes, Sylvester Stallone give his opinion when I'm dark. Go ahead. What were you going to say? Oh, no, I was just about to coordinate the shit. I was already doing that for you. What kind of beat do you want? What kind of beat do you want? Really?

I just want, because I know, like, some of y'all don't be understanding what the fuck I'm saying. We understand. Every time I do this shit, when I do this, when I, this, like, look, like this. Just let me play the fucking beat, man. Just let me play the beat, man.

Play the beat. There we go, play the beat. There we go. Play the beat. Uh, uh, uh, check me, check me, check me. Uh, uh. I studied the game like an analyst. I'm a decimator.

Pan, I don't like this beat. I don't like this beat. I don't like this beat. Hold up. Hold up, no, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

Hold up. No, hold up. Watch, watch me. Watch me. Watch me. All right. Watch me. Watch me.

Okay. I'm not to cook. Let me cook. Okay. Tony, the band is looking at him like, what the fuck is going on? That beat was crazy. That beat was great. You want to run it back?

Let's run it back. Let's run it back. Fuck it, let's run it back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, uh, uh. Play the game like an analyst.

Yeah. I studied the game like an analyst. game like an analyst. Watch me. I'm about to decimate the panelists. Red band. You fat as hell. You need to hit your dimmed your sweat fan.

You get no coochie. I got hoochies clapping hands fans. What? Whoa. Tony hit clips. I know you wrestle, but you're still a bitch. Pitchin' three six.

Purge your gag and you can catch balls in your mouth no sis. Your bite flies and you sweeter in the heat cliff. Uh, this is real. realize it fucking gets. What? Uh, you fucking really stink. Like a rolling rink.

Uh, whoever smelt it fucking dealt it. You're up here sucking while wearing black velvet. Get out of here. Here's the big joke book. There you go. What's fuck? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here.

getting me. This is my universe. You did good, buddy. Great stuff. There he goes. Lingo Smith. Don't you come in me with your freestyles. Oh my God. Oh my God. There she is. Don't you try to freestyle at me on my own show. We all have our own secret special skills and talents. That's right. I rind smelt it and dealt it with velvet, ladies and gentlemen. Not easy to do. Your business doesn't move in a straight line.

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my life before Ridge Wallet was terrible. Every, I wasn't booking gigs. I wasn't, there was no Netflix. We were barely leaving a dent on YouTube because my old wallet was a big crusty leather brick that hurt my lower back. It was terrible. Then I heard about Ridgewall. And boy, it changed the game. You probably already know Ridge for their unique, slim modern wallet. Ridge just took their game-changing wallet and made it even better. Say hello to the Ridge 2.0. The most refined version of the Ridge wallet. It's 10% lighter. They found

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features NFL, MLB, or college teams. It's perfect for holiday gifting, especially since Ridge is having their biggest sale of the year right now, Tony. For a limited time, Ridge is having their huge holiday sale. Head to R-I-D-G-E.com to get up to 47% off your order. That's Ridge.com for up to 40% percent off your order during their biggest sale of the year. After you purchase, they will ask where you heard about Ridge. Please support our show and tell them, Kill Tony sent you. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jason Robo, everybody. Here we go.

So we've got an obesity epidemic. Or as I like to say, more baby fat than a dumpster in abortion clinic. At least the joke made to its infancy. It's no surprise as far as eating health is concerned. They've literally tossed the salad. Come on, that joke eats ass. Heart disease is number one cause of death. Fun fact, it causes erectile dysfunction.

I think that's your body telling you it's not fucking around. Your arteries are stiff. Diabetes is another major health issue, which also causes blindness. I thought it was just a fucked up weight loss program where you chop your feet off. All right, that one can be a stumper. Yeah, they don't want us healthy to medical mafia. If you were healthy, then they couldn't make a cutoff here. Then they want your change when you go to the store to cure shit like Alzheimer's.

You think, I mean, the fucking nursing homes are the main reason why people go to nursing homes because of Alzheimer's. You think they want to cure that shit? Forget about it. All right. Jason Robo, ladies and gentlemen. This is your first time on this show, right, Jason? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome.

Are you as homeless as you look? No, I just went to Ecuador. You went to what? Ecuador. Ecuador. Okay. And you came back. like this.

Ayahuasca. Sylvester Stallone. What do you think? Does the dog know it's homeless? It's a tiny house on wheels. A little different. A little higher class. Is it an RV?

No, it's an ATV trailer I converted. ATV trailer. Okay. And it's connected to like a truck or something? Yeah, I got a Toyota pickup. Okay, cool. I love it. How long you've been doing stand-up?

About 13 years. I did activism in college. in college, tried to start a revolution and ate shit and all the people that voted for me got fucked over. You do look like the kind of guy that tries to start a revolution. What was the revolution that you tried to start exactly?

Fighting against the war on drugs and basically... Wait, you're against the war on drugs? You look like the front man of the drugs. Were you fighting for the drug side? Which side were you on?

I was against like they make cannabis legal use in racism against Mexicans, basically. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's separate the words a little bit. You're talking in cursive right now. Okay, so what? It's all right. Nice and enunciated.

13 years of stand-up. I need to be able to understand you here. So what? What about cannabis and Mexicans and racism? Oh, they said the super strength, stony, bloodthirsty Mexicans, and raped their way across America are some crazy shit. Kind of like the killer beast thing that didn't happen. Oh, this is amazing.

Okay. That last comedian that just walked off, did you ask him for money recently and then ask him for more money right afterwards? I'm just kidding. Okay, so you're saying that who was racist? The government?

The government and the media, basically, they just want to all hate each other, so I like to say they just like to rub shit in our third eye and make him more of a turd eye. Okay. All right. Okay. What do you, where do you,

What do you do? Like, what does a day look like for you? Like, I know it's not work. I'm guessing you don't have an actual job, right? After I graduated, I worked in the Canvas industry and met growers up in Humboldt in Northern California. And, yeah, basically, that industry has gone down the toilet. So I started doing body works.

I stacked a bunch of wellness certificates and fitness and nutrition and stuff. And, yeah, so I help people. I do, like, some pretty intense body work. What kind of body work? What does that mean to you exactly? It's like heavy-duty reflex. So I use, like, shark's teeth and, like, crystals to poke people's toes and fingers.

It's hardcore. Wow. Yeah. What do you do with the shark's teeth? Let's go one by one here. What exactly do you do with the shark's teeth? There's some people out here that look like they could use some real reflexology help, whatever. Well, I mean, shoes basically, like, make our feet like this.

Imagine if your hands were like that, it would suck, you know what I'm saying? So, I mean, a lot of people worried about the Jews, but I'm worried about the shoes. Wow. You have some of the most hippie-dippy nursery rhymes I've ever heard in my life. But I bet you freestyle better than the last guy, believe it or not. I might. So how long have you had this dog for? He's just turned 14.

I had him when he was a few months old, yeah. Oh, that's adorable. What's the dog's name? Yarnby. He's been in the news a couple times, too. He rides in a backpack on a motorcycle. He wears doggles. Oh, nice.

Okay. All right. The first, it's good they put the helmet on the dog on a motorcycle. Amazing. So, like, what's, how exactly do you make money now? I go to a festival, so I've been traveling all year. I moved here in March, and, yeah, basically just been around for about a month, month and a half.

I've probably about tried to get on the show a few dozen times. Actually, when I was taking a break from Trimmon Weed, I wrote your Wikipedia years ago. You wrote my Wikipedia? Wow. I've always wondered who the fuck does that. Red Band, you look it up. Yeah, it says Strictly Rebel. Did it have a bunch of rhymes in it? Yeah. No, I just heard you on Rogan and I appreciated what you're doing.

And you say you used to be vegan. I'm vegan. And I'm like, oh, like, you're kind of brother, whatever, you know. I just figured I'd burn some time. Yeah, I became a lot happier and more successful when I started eating meat. Just to let you know. It's 13 years. I'm doing good. I don't think I was ever like this, Red Band. No.

No, I don't think so. With ayahuasca, man. I don't think so. What is the drug of choice nowadays, Jason, Robo? I do this thing called Rape or Hoppe. Has anybody heard of it? Nope. Yeah.

It's like a grounding thing. You put medicinal tobacco mixed with different medicinal herbs, and you blow it up your nose instead of snorting it. It's pretty intense. You blow it up your nose. Yeah, there's different plants they mix into it, yeah. Okay. How often do you do that daily?

I do it like before and after clients to clear my energy. And, yeah, it's wild. You're like a real guy, huh? This isn't a character or anything. This is you. What I do? Okay, let me ask you this. What do you think is the most hippie-ish?

Like, you know what you are, like the crystals and you're wearing a, you're wearing a, like, a, yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah, that's the nicest way of putting it. Yeah, all these things. So I'm going to ask you this. What do you think is the most hippie-dippy thing that you've ever done? Like, I mean, what is that extreme? And you know what I'm talking about.

Because, you know, I saw you smile. Shit in a bucket? Wait, shit in a bucket? No, come on. That's, I would expect that of you. I want you to surprise me with this answer. I want to hear the extreme, like, thing where you're like, God, this is crazy for even me.

I'll let you think about that one while I ask you the opposite question. What do you think is the most, say, conservative or, you know, venture to say even almost Republican-esque thing that you've ever done before, where you're like, God, this is so against my character, but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't know. Maybe call a cops with some guy attack me with a knife.

Okay, call the cops on somebody while being attacked with a knife. This is how these people think, by the way. Like, oh, I don't really want to do it. This is so conservative, but I guess I'll do it. it since I'm being stabbed right now. This is revolutionary, man. I usually have a knife, too, but yeah. You have a knife? Not with me.

Not with you. But yeah. Where did this happen? Where did the attack with a knife happen? It was in Northern California. Actually, he was riding my bike to a house sit a grow scene. To the what? It's an indoor grow. Grow. Grow. That's what we call it. There was a guy last week talked about being a grower. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Let's go back one more time. Let's see if you thought of it. anything. The most hippie-ish thing you've ever done, because you are an extreme character, I have to tell you. We've never really had anything quite like you on here. Like, your dog is so at peace. It's asleep right now. It's like you have them on the same tranquilizers. The Longhorns give Bivo before a big football game. You ever seen this mascot? I fucking love it. And it all makes sense, by the way. It all makes sense. Nothing better for the Texas mascot than a fully grown bull on tranquilizers, just drooling on itself. Okay, I've given you enough time to think about this.

I don't think the crystals on the toes is like... All right. If you don't have an answer, Red Band has something obnoxious, he's about to ask you. I've paid $150 an hour to do it. Here you go, Red Band. Is there a crystal that, like, really pisses you off? Like, you don't want anything to do with it. I don't know.

There it is. Right on cue, everybody. And definite unanswerable question. I got another diabetes joke about the blindness thing. and basically the processed sugar causes your eyeballs to cloud because of it. So basically your vision isn't crystal clear. So they're probably that. That's what I thought you were going to say.

There you go. All right, Jason. Pretty, pretty interesting character. So you've been doing stand-up, did you say 13 years? Yeah, I got 25,000 YouTube subs. I got some mixes on there. My George Carlin mix says 6 million plus views, yeah. What's your George, it's a mix of what?

His best material, you said he found his true voice after 92, so I use all that, and I like audio level it all. I think you're going to have your best material after 92 as well, the age of 92, perhaps. Fun times today, Jason. Very fun interview. You definitely are an original character. There's a medium-sized joke book. Jason Robo, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Well, I have a special treat for all of you, ladies and gentlemen. one of our elite regulars of all time is here for you. He is a reigning, defending Kiltony Hall of Fame member that is here to grace us with his presence. I present to you one of the greatest to ever do it here on Kiltony

with hundreds and hundreds of appearances. This is the long-awaited return of David Lucas, everybody. BLM said there's no such thing as black-on-black crime. Well, what I want to know is who was that nigger who broke into my house last night. He wasn't white. Trump said that Tylenol is making kids retarded. I do believe him because the last few bitches I had sex with all had retarded kids. They never let you know their kids is retarded.

They just put them in the back of the house and you got to hear that nigga. I was in the middle of having sex with this one girl and next thing I know, her fucking door busts down and in comes six, six, eleven years old, butt-ass naked, and dinosaur slippers. And I'm like, hey, bitch, what the fuck is that? She's like, that's my autistic son.

I'm like, I almost shot this nigga, bitch. I didn't know you live with the Texas Trane song massacre. She was like, let me put him back to sleep. He was having a bad dream. I said, bitch, I'm having a bad dream. I just seen a retarded niggas dick. How you think I feel? She was like, we can finish fucking.

I'm like, I'm good. I don't want no more of that retarded producing pussy, you got. Am I? My dick is inside of itself. But I'd rather fuck a bitch with a handicapped kid than a retarded kid, because, like, at least if she got a handicapped kid, she probably drives a van, and I like space.

And I'd sit in the front seat and recline my seat on that niggins' legs. I'd be like, shut up complaining, you can't feel them legs anyway. All right, that's what I'm talking. Hell yeah. David Lucas, showing us. how it's done he's done it again oh yeah squeeze that jacket together can you zip

that thing up Tony Yeo ain't been this close to a gay niggins since he party with Diddy oh my god oh not me not me I ain't never been cool boy yes you did nigger you Slice Stallone have you ever been to a Diddy party oh yeah I went to all of them at this. That nigga looked like when SpongeBob had the muscles. Don't come at Stallone, man. Hell yeah, boy.

That nigga teach retarded power clean. Yeah. Yeah, see if this orbits around you. This guy coming out to Stallone. Come on. I'm a legend, sir. I don't even know who this nigga is with this wig on, brad. It flies Stallone.

What are you talking about? It's the actual Slice Stallone. This is like your fight. This is like a different fight, Stallone. It's like Blubber Lang. Yeah. It's like Showtime at the Apollo Creed. That nigga got Ellen's face with Joe Rogan's midsection.

Hey, hey. Ellen Rogan, body ass, Nick. Come on, man. That's not funny. I got those epic face. Try to lose some weight. Yeah, yeah. Tony, yeah.

What's up? That nigga looked like a poisonous snake. He stuck his tongue out before he walked out here to check the temperature in the room. He was like, it's cool. All the thing about is that Austin barbecue when I see you, motherfucker. Playing me.

The fuck kinda sweat to those. Slim fit, nigga, what you got on? Shit off of me, man. When you take that hat off, your back scales come with it, Nick. Oh, man, stop. You look like a retired racehorse, niggins. You got that one?

You got that one. What size is that shirt, though, buddy? What is that? A five, six X? You look like Scooby-Doo Daddy, nigga. I'm all right. You wrote, you got that one. Yab-dab-doo!

I believe you or no. I believe you alone. David Lucas has arrived. All the other kids with the pumped-up kicks better run. I love it, David. I don't call you gay 10,000 times, Tony. I don't know what else to call yourself to f*** it.

I know, okay. Very good. I'm joking, bro. Well, I know you're joking, but every time you say that word, we... Oh, cut it out, Red Band, my bad. We're gonna cut it out. We're gonna cut it. You're a homosexual, they should let you use that word, bro.

Okay. You can't say homosexual? Yes, you can. Oh, yeah. All right. It's waiting for you to take a breath. Lord knows you need it. That is an incredible haircut that you have.

What exactly do you ask the barber for when you go in there? The fucking Starlink antenna? Like, what do you, does your head get its own Wi-Fi? I ask for the Whoopi Goldberg, thing. That is crazy. From Sister Act. That thing, that thing is hanging on by a thread back there. Look at that.

Oh my God. You are something else. So David, what's been going on in life? Man, touring on the Killers and Kill Tony tour, you know what I'm saying, bro? Working on a lot of stuff. 2026 is looking real exciting, dog, you know what I'm saying? Yep. Yes, it is.

You already know. Kill Tony, bro. They don't even know how big it's about to be. 2026 is what David sees when he stands on a scale. Hello. 2026 is how many you uptext you got in you. your phone. Oh, what?

You up, like a nigger about to come through in, yeah. Yeah. You up, Tony? I got the eggs. I know you got the meat. That's what the trainer at your gym texts you. And you're like, yep, I'm up. Calestrals up, blood pressure's up, weights up.

Everything's up. I love it, David. Well, you're one of the best fucking regulars in the show's history. You did it again. So much fun, always. Comes in like a wrecking ball. And that's just the way he's shaped. The great David Lucas, look his hair waves goodbye.

I think it gave me the middle finger there at the end. All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool is Ben Dalke. Ben Dalke, everyone. Here we go. I think I have a bad handshake. So I did some research. And apparently Trump and Bill Clinton

are the world's top handshakers. I read that Bill Clinton's handshake is known for being both warm and personal, which is definitely interesting for a guy who rapes. Whereas Trump's handshake is more of a dominant power move, a handshake that makes people go, oh yeah, this guy rapes.

And I've been told my handshake is both smooth and pliable, a handshake that makes everybody go, oh yeah, this guy's going to get raped. For some reason, people think I rape. But I'm not strong enough to rape with force. I can only rape with drugs. I'm skinny and I have skinny arms. But I read that your legs are about twice as strong as your arms,

so maybe I should try raping with my legs instead. Okay. All right. Well, I feel like we're all going to get raped right now. I mean, that is a rape-heavy set, dude. And you do. You have that energy. Have you been on this show before?

One time, yeah. Okay, I couldn't tell if I've seen you here or just in my nightmares. Ben, remind us, how long you've been on stand-up comedy? Like two and a half years. Two and a half years. And how old are you? 22.

22. Okay, so you started young. How's it going for? pretty good yeah yeah I don't know not that good okay perfect perfect what do you do for a living how do you make money nothing right now how do you survive I have a bit of money from like military pensions how much Apple store will hire anyone how much money do you have saved up I'm always intrigued by how people survive like 30,000 30,000 okay good And you were in the military?

No, it's from my grandparents or whatever. Shut up. You inherited money from your dead grandparents. Yeah. Okay, got it. So you got 30 grand. What's your living situation like? Live in an apartment.

By yourself? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. One bedroom? Yeah. Okay. Very good. That's amazing.

So how do you spend most of your time, Ben? When you're not doing stand up at night, what else? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a pair of binoculars, go to the playground. What do you do, Ben? Play a lot of games. Yeah. What kind of games? You ever play Death Stranding?

I've never played anything that you've played. Without a doubt. But I guess the answer is, what is it? Death what? Stranding. And that's a video game? Mm-hmm. Okay.

What, what, is that just online? No, it's online to TV screens, yes. No, it's a very long game, though. It's a very slow game that you're playing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not done with it yet. This is our senior video game correspondent. The Duke of Do Nothing over here.

So, Ben, what do you think is the most interesting thing about your entire life? You're 22 years old. There must be some fun fact about you. something that happened to you before, you're a family trauma story or something interesting about you? I did recently start getting pussy. Oh, my God, there you go.

He got, wait, no, he's getting pussy, ladies and gentlemen. And what, so what is this transition like for you? You're getting pussy. Did they... Tony, do you see a smile not to do. Do you see it's, when you say getting pussy, smile again? So you're transitioning. You're getting a pussy is what you're saying.

Is that right? That's what everyone thinks. Right, exactly. Okay, so how did you start getting pussy, Ben? Take us through this, because if you can get pussy, this is proof that anybody can get pussy. Take us through it, Ben. Honestly, it was completely an accident.

Yeah, perfect. Unlike the rapings that you're used to, which are very purposeful rapings. So let's talk about the accidental pussy. Yeah, no, I started banging an open micer. Uh-huh. So how does that happen? Take us through it.

So you perform. She comes up to you and goes, I think you're really funny. I hope you don't rape me. No, she said that she wanted to bully me. And then I was like, that doesn't sound fun. And then I felt gay for not letting her bully me. Okay.

And then what happened, exactly what happened? Let her bully me. Right. But what does that mean? Her bullying you, what did she say about you? Or do, what is bullying to her? She said I looked like a school shooter. Uh-huh, well, we all thought that.

But, like, there must be layers to it, right? Was there more? Well, I mean, for some reason, she's attracted to that. Uh-huh. And then what? You took her back to your place? Yeah. And then what happened?

like botched having sex, I think. Let's talk about it. How did you botch having sex? Here we go. We're getting there, Ben, one step at a time. Every time you say something, just pretend like I go, and then what happened? After that, and then it's going to be a good interview. When I go like this, just know that means

and then what happened. Okay, go ahead. No, I'm pretty sure I have erectile dysfunction, so. Uh, yeah, so my dick didn't get hard, uh, what was she doing? Was she trying to, was she using her hand or mouth? How do you know you couldn't get hard? Uh. You were there. I know.

This is your story. I know. Are you writing it right now? No. Okay. So like you were there and then what happens? You guys start making out? Yeah, yeah.

And then what happened? Uh, yeah. But nothing after that pretty much. It was pretty bad. I mean, not really, but like, did you take... Go ahead. Sliced a little. Well, I'm just like, that's not getting pussy.

I let him know. She literally just bullied you and then left afterwards. I get it, though. Because the woman's vagina is a scary place. You know, and every like three or four weeks, they get their pyramid, and it's a total mess. So I get it. Sometimes Cologne gets a dysfunction, too.

The great Sylvester Stallone. Plugging Kyle Dunnigan.com on this appearance must be a fan of Kyle Dunnigan. We've seen this before. Elon Musk plugged Kyle Dunnigan. Bill Maher, the great Bill Maher, plugged Kyle Dunnigan. a lot of these big stars come on here and their careers are so good that they plug Kyle Dunnigan.

How cool is that? Who's on a sold-out tour right now all around the country. Okay, so did you try to hook up with this girl again after this one experience? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So? Eventually, I was able to fuck her, yeah.

How were you able to fuck her? I love it. Sure. Get it out of your systems. All right. The sounding lights, the lighting guy, Kino's going crazy, setting off the lights. How did you find it within yourself?

What tricks did you use? What did you do to make it work? Lots of self-talk, I think. Like what? What were you saying to yourself? Positive affirmation. Like what? You are enough.

There you go. You got there. Was there anything else you were telling yourself? You are enough. She's not. Just lying. Wow. Only some of its lies.

So amazing. So let's just, let's face it. Okay. So the first time you get hard, right? And you're with her. Was this the second time you guys hung out? I would say, so yeah. I would guess.

You would guess. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So you get hard and then what happens? Um, fumble around for a bit. What? Just fumble around for a bit.

Fumble around. So what exactly does that mean to you? You just did something with your hand there. What does that mean? Go soft again and gummy worm her. Uh-huh. But then at some point, you were able to tell yourself that you're enough. And then it got hard again.

So how long do you think you lasted? You put your wiener inside of her vagina, right? Uh-huh. And then how long do you think that lasted for it? Ben. 35 seconds. 35 seconds. Finally, a very straight answer.

This is the, this is. And then, so at 35 seconds, you feel it's starting to happen and you pull out? Yeah. And then where do you, where do you finish at? Where did you shoot your load? On her stomach. On her stomach. Very good.

I would have expected something weirder than that. I would have thought you would have been shy and shot it on the floor, just on your own pillow or something like that. But wow, you went for it. And did she like it? Did she make any noises or anything? What was she, what type of noises was she making

during this 35 seconds? Can you do an impression? Go ahead. Give us a spotlight here, Kino. This is the girl during... Go ahead. All right, no one believes that. Bring the lights back up.

Slices Stallone. You think that's how it went down? Yeah, pretty much. All right. Were you attracted to her? Was that the problem? Yeah, yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah.

You liked her. Yeah, yeah. She's pretty. Yeah. All right. Any of you, you've been doing this regularly since then? Or was it just that one time? Not regularly.

How often? Once a week, every day? What are we talking here? Probably like once a week. All right. Very good. Very good. And you're excited about it.

Yeah. Have you gotten better than 35 seconds since then? Barely. Barely. Wow. Incredible. It's not that bad for 22, Ben. You're not doing that bad.

All right. The whole set was rapey and weird. So you're getting a little joke book. There you go. Sign up again. And we'll see what you talk about next time. Been doing it in two and a half years. I gotta have something other than rape jokes.

There he goes, Ben Dalke, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Okay, this looks like a fun name. Let's see what this is all about. Make some noise for Nino, everybody. Nino is next here on Kiltone. Mother shit, what the fuck is off? I don't know if you guys could tell, by the way I'm dressed.

but I am an essential worker. Okay, cool, don't clap. Fucking assholes. But yeah, I deliver groceries for a living. Without me, Westlake and B.K. would starve, right? Austin needs me. And I think I speak for all delivery drivers. When I say this, if you live in an apartment complex,

do not order groceries online, okay? Okay? That is for home owners only. Because every time I go to a shitty apartment complex, you're on the 12th floor, your elevator don't work, and you don't tip. Speaking of no tips, if you're Indian, I'm not talking about Native Americans. I'm talking about Dash from my dog. Don't order groceries online, okay? Taj Beer, I swear next time you order with me, dude, I'm going to rub a chicken masala all over my nuts

and give you some real spice, bam. All right, that's my time, guys. Thank you. Ni-N-N-N-R-W. Hi, Nino. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back. Thank you.

That went pretty well, huh? Thank you. Yeah, it was good. Was that your best set on this show so far? Yeah, it was. Very good. I love it. So you've been delivering groceries. How long you've been doing stand-up?

Going to be four years in May. Four years. And where are you originally from? I'm from SoCal. Okay. Santa Ana, Orange County. Okay, you're getting specific there. Welcome.

Oh, okay-dokey. And how long have you been in Austin? Almost about four years, too, as well. I started here doing stand-up as well. Oh, cool. Almost four years. And you've been delivering groceries that whole time? About two and a half years.

All right. And so a lot goes on in the grocery delivery business. I'd imagine when the elevators work, it's not that bad, right? No, it's not. Okay. But sometimes the elevators don't work. Yeah, don't worry. You've got to use the stairs.

People in the apartments for some reason want to order the heaviest shit too. This is water, dog food. Just dumb shit, bro. I hate it. Okay. All right. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up or delivering groceries? Well, I'm not on the spectrum, but I collect toy cars.

You do? Yeah, like hot wheels, one-eighth scale toys, trailers, replicas. You guys want to see the smallest toy car in the car. the world yeah is it in your urethra so this is called a micro mini and Tony open it up I want you to open it up it's a really grab it by the front wheels and open it up like a micro machine yeah no take out take out the car oh there's a smaller car in there smaller store car in the world wow that's amazing that is indeed a very small car there it is yep it's so small there you go I'm gonna put it

there. Okay, so that's a small car. Yes. I love it. You must get all the pussy. I'm single ladies. They know. Has a woman ever flirted with you while you're delivering groceries? No, not really. A lot of my customers are old people, so they'll bake me like cookies, give me candies, stuff like that. Nice. Not really, like, hot, sexy ladies, no. Nice. What do you do for fun around Austin? Let's see.

I like to go bar hopping sometimes. I hooked up with my first gilf a couple weeks ago. What is it gilf? Gilf is grandma I like to fuck. Oh, wow. So how old a ballpark was this lady? She was probably, no lie, probably like 65. Wow.

Where'd you find her at? Shout out to Deborah with an H. Wow. She literally told me that. She was like, my name's Deborah with an age. I was like, all right, cool. Hell yeah. So where did you meet this old bag ofumza?

I met her at the airport bar right here in Austin, yeah. Wow. So I was on my way for one of my friends' weddings in California. And before my fly, I was like, oh, I'll have a drink. So I was at the bar. I saw she was sitting by herself. I saw she had a fat ass. I was like, oh shit.

I was like, all right, cool. So I made my way next to her, we started talking. Next, you know, I got her information. She was like, yeah, hit me up when you come back. And I was like, all right, cool. I hit her up. We went to some, I think she was staying out in Flugerville, I want to say. That's where they live.

That's where thick-ass, 65-year-olds live, isn't it? So she took me to, like, this local brewery. Ah, did you see them there? Flugerville with an H. I know. Yeah, that's right. That's right. And long story short, we had a couple of drinks. We kicked it off.

We went back to my car. Oh, this one right here? What? It was actually a bigger car. Okay. What kind of car do you have? What kind of Honda Civic do you have? No.

It's actually a Kia. Shout out to the Kia boys. Wow. Yeah. Sportage? No, it's... Forte. Forte.

Ooh. G. Wow. You took a 65-year-old to a 4-10? Okay. Yeah, that's all I got. And then what happened? And then we started talking, and then we started hooking up.

You're in the driver's seat. She's in the passenger seat. And when you say hooking up, you mean like... Yeah, we're mac in it, you know? Right. So it's always an interesting predicament when you're in the front of a car. So who do you think was doing more of the leaning? Are you guys meeting in the dead center?

You're right over the stick shift? I kind of put my seat back a little bit. Set the mood a little bit And she's taller than me She's probably like 510, I'm 5'7 Yep So I lean back a little bit We start, she's like

Gets on top of me a little bit We're hooking up Okay, so she's the more aggressive one Yeah, she is Yeah, but then I'm like, fuck it Like I just start pulling down my pants Oh shit Is this in the parking lot at the brewery?

Yeah, yeah, yeah All right, Nino You really do collect hot wheels Okay So you start pulling down your pants Right then and there You got nothing to lose. And then she puts, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. She puts my dick in her hand, starts jacking me off, and then she starts getting me sloppy toppy, dude. Wow. It was a bad. Damn. The best way I could describe it is, like, fellas,

remember when you were a kid and you were going to a jacuzzi and you put your dick inside the jet? That's exactly how it fell, dude. Just hot, sloppy. It was the best. So Flugerville. Yeah, that's amazing. You got sloppy toppy from an oldie goldie.

Yeah, hell yeah. You got some of that fucking... Deborah, if you're seeing this, call me. I miss you. Wow. So she finished you off right there in the parking lot? Yeah, I try not to nut quick. I probably lasted about four minutes, tops.

There you go. According to a lot of the people that have been on tonight's show, you're a professional porn star. So four and a half minutes is up. fucking real humdinger. That's incredible, dude. Absolutely amazing. So then what happened?

After she finishes you off, do you just drop her off? No, so she wanted to make out with me, but I got kind of grossed out because she just swallowed my cum. You're damn right. And I was kind of like, oh, no, bitch, like back up. Right. But I still mean out with her, fuck it.

Hell yeah, dude. We went for seconds. We went for seconds. You are a crazy mom. I would like you to find Christ, young man. Who the fuck is this guy? I don't know anymore. Oh shit, wow, big fan, dude.

You look good, man, you look good. It's one of Deborah's favorite actors. Did you fuck Deborah too, dude? That'd been a long time ago. Oh, shit. Dement is famous, homophobe on this show. After you made out with a girl after coming in, with a girl after coming in her mouth, he's gone.

He's like, I can't take this no more. Hell yeah. All right, Nino, well, you did okay. You talked about your actual job. It was pretty decent, so you're getting a big joke book. Congratulations, Nino, there you go. You guys. All right.

Oh, you want the car back? Wow, what a cheap fuck you are. I keep this one? Okay, cool. I mean, what the hell's the point? The car holder car. What am I going to do with that? What am I going to do with that?

I'm going to throw it in the crowd after the show. That's what I'm going to do. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, like I said, this is an action-packed show we have here tonight, and we have another one of the greatest regulars in the show's history. Ready, right now. He is the newest regular on the show. He is known as the Dark Storm of Atlanta.

Ladies and gentlemen, Make some noise for the great and powerful Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Man, this shit feel good, man. I used to actually hate rich people before I got money. You know, rich people got different debit cars than us. They got, maybe some of y'all got them out here,

these little 22-pound bulletproof and solid money. metal debit cards made out of vibratium from Wakanda. Hey y'all seen these motherfuckers? And then did it meet? The thing is, my debit card, that shit, if I throw it up in the air, it's gonna be a minute before it hit the ground. If somebody opened the door, that shit gonna go right back to the top. Sometimes if I'm high and on board, I just go,

with my debit card. You know, rich people got heavy debit cards so they can break down cocaine better. Meanwhile, I can just roll my blunts in my debit card, Navy Fed don't get a fuck about me. But it's cool, though, because, like, now that I got famous success, I get to talk to people that, like, have done it.

So when I get to talk to Tony, I was, the first day I got regular, I was like, yo, what should I look out for? And Tony was like, stay off the comments on Reddit. They're mean and racist. They say things I wouldn't say. And Tony wasn't saying I want to do it But the thing was is that when he told me

I just had to appreciate it But I wanted to laugh in his face Because he don't know me like that For 20 years before that I was working customer service They set it to my face Dude I was working at a car washing in Atlanta For 17 years

And a girl walked in this old ass fucking lady 65 years old walked into me And she called me the hard R And that shit hurt my feelings Because I wasn't even being one at the time How she had caught me in some niggily activity? I would have been like, touche. We weren't shooting, dice, selling crack rapping when you walked up.

I was just a gym at a goddamn car walk. But basically, the situation that happened where she had came to my car wash 10 years before. And then when she showed up, the prices were higher 10 years later. Like they do everywhere else in the fucking world, right? today's prices, not yesterday's price, but not to this racist ass bitch. She ran up to me and she said, you niggers are always raising prices. And I was like, actually, man, we devalued the neighborhood. If you're going to be racist, be right.

I hate the lazy racists. That's my time, bitch. The great, Dedrick Flynn, with a brand new two minutes and 40 seconds. Yeah. Doing more work than he has to do, unlike his people normally do. Normally, they show up late and leave early. Not Dedrick. Not Dedrick. It wasn't a good job before, but now I'm on time. Yeah.

You really worked customer service at a car wash? I was customer service, a car wash. I worked fucking restaurants. I hated that car wash. What did you do at restaurants? Serve tables, serve beer. I used to believe in people, right? Before I worked customer service,

if somebody died on the news, like eight people died, my whole fan would have come together and pray for their family. And then I served one shift, and they were like, six people died. I was like, good. You should have called me. It could have been 12.

Was it like a chain restaurant that we would know? Yeah, long. Logan's Roadhouse, Texas wrote out. I hate all them bitches, bro. They fired the fuck out of me because I fought somebody. You did?

Yeah, one lady, St. Patty's Day weekend, I was working at Logan's Roadhouse in Savannah, Georgia, where they had, like, the biggest, like, St. Patty's Day parade. A lady poured mashed potatoes on my head. Oh, no. And then I beat up her husband. Yep. Because I'm Southern.

You can't hit women that good. I wanted to really take it out on that. I've whooped his ass. But they got mad at me for her, so I don't work there no more. Wow. She poured mashed potatoes on your head. Did she warn you? Was there where you guys arguing?

It wasn't even my ship, Tony. I was covering another nigger's ship. I shouldn't have been there. What was the reason for it, though? What'd she give? Yeah, so she got her steak, and then she just wanted to keep complaining because she wanted a free steak,

and I was like, hey, I can't do nothing for you. I'm a server here. They throw peanuts on the ground there. Ah, yeah. If you want a good steak, go where they don't throw food on the ground. Right. Yeah.

Yep, that is true. Dedrick, what else is going on? What's the update on your big, amazing advancement in life? Bitch, I'm on tour. Yeah? Man, I'm going there. I don't know where you're from, but I'm coming there. I'm in the mafia now.

I get to go everywhere. All the, you know, buddy, all the booking places, they hit me up They'd be like, hey, can you come headline here? But the message before that was like, hey, I'm new in town. If I can get a guest spot, that'd be cool. Red, not responded. Right.

Now they want me the headline because they're supposed to. Yep. The game has changed. Slight Stallone. Hey, yo, I'm just thinking. I'm sorry, I'm too high for you. You're not. I did not know you were there.

A lot of experience. I just suggest that you sell your mouth and buy a diversified portfolio, like a good ETF, like a basket of funds. You do what? Thank me. Yeah, you know I'm going to kill Tony Regler. I don't need to sell shit to make money. Look at this.

Here's the before and after. This is Dedrick 40 years later, ladies and gentlemen, and here it is. This is what happens. I would never be blind. He chose that. Has anyone in your family ever had diabetes? Yeah, my dad.

Yeah, you're going to be blind. But it's cool. Blind guys can be like rock stars and shit. That's a whole thing. Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, D. Madness. D. Madness, rocking the fucking Heisenberg hat tonight. He don't know what does you. He's never seen Breaking Bad.

He ain't seen a lot of stuff. Yeah, he hasn't. He hasn't seen shit. You ever heard Breaking Bad D. No. Yeah, he has. He has. De Madness, what's your favorite?

You ever listen to a Sylvester Stallone movie? Oh, shit. You ain't near the mic. You're good. We got them. It's picked up. We got it. Rehbo is it.

Oh, collateral damage. Sly Stallone. You have any behind the scenes info on what it was like filming collateral damage? I see the wheels turning over there. I remember ever making a movie called Collateral Day. I made so many movies, you know. There was Rambo 1, Rambo 2, Rambo 3, Rambo. I kind of, Rambo 3, I regret.

You ever see that? You know, I fought for the Taliban in Rambo 3. That is a fact. I gave a young kid at night for the end. I think he hijacked the plane years later. I don't know. You ever see Rambo 3? Perfect

Dedrick Another unbelievable set I mean you are just a fucking freak of nature We love you I love you There he goes The great Dedrick Flynn

Ladies and gentlemen We're having fun here tonight Back to the Bucket Week By the way I thought that was adorable That he said like a gold-plated debit card Instead of a credit card I've never seen like Debit card

Wait till he finds out about credit cards. We are watching a kid's full, like, we are going to watch Dedrick grow up in front of our very eyes. Some people got light debit cards, some people be having heavy debit cards. Like, he has no idea what credit even is. He almost fainted when Sylvester Stallone's a diversified portfolio. We're going to get to watch him learn everything.

Oh, wow, okay. We've seen this guy before on this show. I mean, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for what some people are calling a local legend. This is the return, I believe, the second time ever, of Keegan Carmichael, everybody. Here we go. Hey, a guy strikes out nine times out of 10. I don't know who the 10th girl is, but tell her to throw the ball.

Hey, I was at the bakery, they were like baked fresh daily. Yeah, me too. I wish I had a burrito restaurant because burritos roll, free delivery if you live downhill. Our only competitors, a can of soup. Hey, I have a car. It's not pushed to start, but it is push to keep going. Come on, guys, push. Oh, we just got passed by a burrito.

Thank you. Keegan Carmichael. Welcome back, Keegan. Now, the last time you were on this show, all we talked about the entire time was how you reminded us of Mitch Headberg. And after a lot of, you know, I talk to people and, you know, word gets around about the guy

that looks and sounds and delivers like Mitch Headberg. And it turns out that you're a genuinely very funny guy that just happens to look like and have the delivery of Mitch Headberg. It's pretty interesting. Tony, what the fuck happened, man? That's a 180 right there. What do you mean?

What do you mean? That's what I'm saying, is that the first time we're like, oh my God, this guy's ripping off Mitch Hedberg. And like I said, I've heard from some of my associates that it turns out that you do this every night, that you're a good writer. They've seen you do longer sets. and it's just who you are.

Thank you, associates. This is what I mean? He's a funny guy. Okay. So, Kegan, tell us more about your life. What exactly do you do with, what's a day in the life of Kegan, Carmichael, like? I've just been watching, like, a lot of Nat Geo. Like, I learned a lot about whales.

Yeah, what'd you learn? Every whale was a sperm whale. Then I watched an episode about kangaroos, and I learned a lot about kangaroos. What'd you learn about kangaroos? Um, like the mama kangaroo, kept the baby in her pouch. The daddy kangaroo kept the baby in his sack. Yep, that checks out.

What else, Keegan? How do you make money, Keegan? That's what the world really wants to know. I deliver food on a bike. Ah. That's why I see you. I see you all the time riding your bike. All the thing.

You do? Yeah, five times since he's been on the show. Wow. You just see him, like, out on the streets riding his bike. Do you have, like, a basket on your bike? How do you do it? No, that cost $100, and that's fucking crazy. I just, I hold it.

Oh, that'll make more sense later. Anyways, you'll see what I mean. No, but it's cool. I delivered to Coach Sarkisian this week. Oh, nice. Hell yeah, the head coach of the Texas Longhorns. What did he order? Mary's Cafe. Okay.

Yeah. What did he get? I don't know, man. Okay. Isn't it like a doctor confident? Yeah, but I told him, like, I shot my shot. I was like, hey, if you need someone on special teams, you know, I'm your guy. He was like, no, he was like, no, you should play quarterback.

Why? Why would he invite you to play quarterback? They got a lot of NIL money, Tony. There's enough to go around. Do you know how to throw football? Mm-hmm. Really? Kind of dumb-ass question, yeah. It's a very good question.

You don't seem that mobile. You kind of sway a lot. Yeah, it's called pocket presents. Oh my goodness gracious, you know about this. I never would have guessed this. Mm-hmm. Wow. But on a serious note, that really did happen.

And I will go to USC, so... That's a different school. Yeah. I don't think he took me seriously. Uh-huh. All right. Okay, Keegan. What else?

Keegan, what else is going on in life? Anything else interesting? I have a cast iron pan. We know about this. I think we talked about this last time. How's it been going on with the cast iron pan? Um, I don't know. I just wanted to mention, like, you know,

last time I was on, I said I was a father to a pan. And everyone was like, missed the opportunity to name him. to name him Peter. No. My pan's name is Glenn Fry. Because he performs when the heat is on. Keegan, you are two of a kind. Here's a big joke book, buddy.

I like your style. Keep signing up. There he goes. He has a little athletic prowess. He does know about pocket presence, and he did catch that joke book with great ease with his left hand, underhand left-handed catch.

One of the hardest ways to catch a joke book. A little fun fact for you. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? All right. Let's see what happens next. Ladies and gentlemen, Our next Bucket Bowl goes by the name of Sean Cantwell, everybody.

Here comes Sean Cantwell. Make some noise for Sean, everybody. All right, here he comes. Sean Cantwell. This is my first time doing a stand-up, so thank you. I feel honored doing it with the genius. You're grooving, right? So my name is Sean.

I'm from Sean Camel. I'm from Pennsylvania. I'm from Pennsylvania. man four six two uh no too soon all right anyway so i'm one of those people diagnosed with uh well ADHD right right because i grew up in the era when we didn't we didn't have helmets all right we we right you're laughing right yeah that's why i never had kids a 47 i never kids because i didn't put a helmet on my kid and ride a bike you know he's saying doing it right so um and This is my first time ever doing stand-up, and I'm like a ferret.

I had the attention span of a ferret on crystal math, right? Bro, right? Come on, you got it. You got it. You spit on here. You're like, holy shit, this dude just spit on it. So, I had a total minute planned. No, I didn't.

No, I really didn't. Seriously. What's the fuck's wrong with you? Piece of triggers. What just happened? What just happened? What the fuck did you just do? Sean, welcome.

Hello, how are you? I'm good. Is stand-up something that you've ever wanted to do before? Yes, well. How long have you wanted to do it? About three weeks. About three weeks, it became a passion of yours. And this is your first time ever attempting it.

Yes. What made you want to do it on this show in front of this many people? Because it's got something to say, you've got to say in front of the best, and you're the best. Well, okay. okay I mean that's very nice I'm sorry okay Pat Sean you are a wild wild person so let's just slow it down one breath at a time how old are you 47 what do you do for work uh I entrepreneur and then I left out what what kind of entrepreneurial stuff have you done

I'm an investment advisor what have you what have you invested in I'm not allowed to talk about that license you're not allowed to talk about not in Texas not in Texas No, it's PA, yeah. Okay, so your investments are all in PA and you're not allowed to talk about it here? It could be considered as a solicitation on and licensing doesn't want you to do it. Tony, I don't feel very safe being to say. Yeah. I know, I know.

Well, it's investors alone. It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right. It's going to be right. This is the guy that trained you in Rocky, isn't it? Oh, my God. Oh, come here. Bring it in.

All right. Fun fact. Sean, give us a fun fact about your life. Fun fact, I trained the first professional male boxer in the United States of America. You really did? Oh, I helped train. Yes, and I was a corner person. You were the corner person? No, I was a corner person. That's what I just asked you.

Yeah. Right. Are you on something right now? I can't talk about that either. Okay, well, then put the mic in the mic. If you can't talk about things, then there's no point of doing an interview with somebody that can't answer questions about their job or anything. Wait. Wait.

I understand the algorithm for 369. I really just want to talk to Joe Rogan and explain how the universe works. There you go, everybody. Wow. Infinity. There you go. Oh, come on. Sean, with the mic and the mic stand.

There he goes. Sean Cantwell, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. Don't sign up again. Sean Cantwell, everyone. What the hell was that? Is that?

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If you smoke, quit. If you don't quit, change. Visit unsmoke.compet. Okay, you know what, let's cleanse the room with a little something special. We have a special type of stage we use to cleanse the stage here at Kill Tony. He is, without a doubt, one of the greatest Kill Tony regular slash golden ticket winners slash forces of nature to ever come across the show. Every time he does, it's absolute insanity.

You're a very lucky audience. You're here on a very special night. As I present to you, a man who gets to do whatever he wants on this show. A man who is the only bucket pool ever that I'm slightly afraid of. This is the great and powerful Timmy Nobrates. So it's fucking this two-year-old.

Relax. I was one. Guys, that need to get a much bigger pop, okay? That's some funny fucking shit, all right? I want this clip to go fucking viral. So I need you guys to fucking... I need you guys to all stand when I do that. I want you to take your tits out.

I want you to take your fucking dick out. Black guy. I want... You don't like it so much. You give me an inward pass. All right. Take it from the top. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, what can I say?

I mean, truly. A freak of nature, a beast, unlike any other. You're here on a special night, as I introduce the one and the only, Timmy No Briggs. So this two-year-old was following, I was fuck, fuck! Take it from the top. Sometimes in this world, you are graced upon a present, unlike any other.

Someone that is simply unlike anybody else. A man who has more power than any bucket hole in the history. of the show, you're here on a special night as I present to you, the old golden goose. This is Timmy No Break. So, uh, how about that N-word pass? Come on, bitch. Give me that shit.

God damn. Look at this motherfucker. I'm gonna turn to my left. Yeah, I'm gonna look right. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at the panel to my left. I'm looking at the audience for a little bit, but then turn it to the left.

Nope, look at, there we go. Look at this gay motherfucker. God damn! Look at this gay, motherfucker! Your face looks red and shit, you never on-looking motherfucker. God damn! What's your name? She squats her dick, holy fuck, goddamn! Look at this black guy.

There's a black man on the film. I challenge you to a rap battle. Let's do it! What do you know about rap, bitch? Let's go, bitch. Fucking, I'm gonna suck my dick. Come over here, get on your knees and suck my dick. That's just a... I'm just setting the stage.

Alright, give me a beat. Nah, what the fuck is that? No, that's not my beat. Cut it out, no. Every time I do this move, I need you to hit the beat the right way. God damn. All right, every time I do this move, just this move right here,

I need you to do the beat good. Hit me. Alright, give me five words. Give me five words right now. I'm gonna use them in this beat. Tony, Tony, say five words. Uh, okay. Horse, white, cigarette, gun,

Whiskey. Nah, this beat sucks. Yeah, all right. Nah, fuck this beat. Nah, fuck that shit. What the hell was that, Tone? God damn. Jesus Christ.

Give him some gangster shit. You want to see some gags to shit? I'm gonna say the N-word in three, two, one. No, I got scared. I got scared. I got scared. I was a little afraid of that shit. God, my bad. Look at his motherfucker.

Yo ass. Nope, I'm not saying anything. You got any questions for me? I keep noticing that your lips are moving and sometimes nothing's coming up. Nope. Wait, you need no shit. You need no shit, bitch.

If I talk, if I talk, the guys move lips up like this. I think... It appears as though, that if I talk, his lips are so moved, where the fuck did you find this guy, Timmy? No. He doesn't understand the job at all. Don't break the fourth wall. Don't do that.

Don't you do that. That's up to rip it, does. That's it's something you do. God damn. Look at these lights. I'm getting tired of this shit. Look at that light. Hit me with the spotlight.

I'm blind. I can't see shit. Turn off the spotlight. Oh man. Look at this hooty and the blowfish looking ass. Tone number two. God damn. Look at the light. Anyways, any other questions for you?

for me, Tom. Wow, this is incredible. How did you transform? We watched you come out twice as yourself, and then you came back a third time as a black man. How were you able to do this, Timmy? Your power is no, no bounds. Great question, Tom.

And I know I'm turned, you know, from the camera, and that's not good for a video, but that's fine. Now, look, the last time I was on, you know, I set a bar, and I was like, how do I, how do I top this bar? You know how I thought I'd do it? Blackface. That's the only way to do it, Tom.

It was the only way to do it. And I said, fuck it, black face, black body. And yeah, I did just gesture to my big black cock. That is something I did. Any other questions? Wow. Wow. This is incredible. Timmy, what have you been up to lately? I know you've been busy, you've been on the road,

you've had a lot of opportunities lately, so what's been happening with you? What have you been up to? Especially with this newfound power of going, being able to change races and whatnot. Well, my... Yeah, I've been doing big shows on the road, just going around, they did, you know,

I did Denver, I did your fucking mom, boom, got your ass, hit me! Yeah, I fucked your mom. Hit me! I was up in it so good that she was like, God damn, I want you to be my son. Hit me! She came.

Hit me. Any other questions? When you fucked my mom, did you do it normal, or were you in this older, blacker man character that you're able to do nowadays? Never do it normal, Tony. Yeah, I never do it normal, Tony.

do it normal um no i fucked her like this um she uh she's a saint tone and you know i did it missionary wow yeah this is absolutely can i show you my dick no no timmy you definitely shouldn't wait look at this look at this bass player look at this base player right there he's right behind me he's to my left i'm gonna turn nope other left other left other left oh the left Fuck it. Fuck it. Look at the sex player. The fucking piece of...

Gumba from Mario. What the fuck is this guy doing? Jesus Christ. I turned left. I did it. Man, this is fun. Yeah, it is. He's lip-saking.

I saw that. Man, you're so fucking fat. You broke the fourth wall, you piece of shit. What are you doing? Who is this gay? It's almost fucked up. I don't know. This is incredible.

Timmy, no breaks. Somehow, absolutely not knowing which way to face tonight. Looks healthy, though. Looks healthier than ever, younger. No, I don't. No, I definitely don't. Wow. Timmy, have you, is there anything else that you do

now that you can become a special black man? Is there anything else that you feel find yourself doing out in society now that you can be black sometimes. That's great. Really good question, Tom. I'm going to turn my back to the audience for this one, if that's okay. Yeah. You're going to face that way towards the audience? No, well, yeah, fuck them.

Yeah, ever since I became, you know, embraced the power of being an old black man that I met 10 minutes ago, I, uh, I'd be going to Ross dress for less a lot. I'm good at basketball. I'm not racist at all. I'm not racist at all. This isn't racist at all. What does it look like when you shoot a basketball?

How exactly do you shoot a basketball? What is your form like? Here I go. Boom. Nothing but next. Wow. Yeah. Yep.

How about throwing a football? Do you know how to throw a football? Check this shit out. Drop back. Tike it. Bang, laser. How about bowling? Do you have a good bowling form?

Yeah, get ready for this shit. Get ready for this shit. Yeah, looking for my ball. I'm bull it right into that guy's face. What else you got? Now, I notice that you bowl left-handed, but you shoot basketballs and throw footballs with your right hand.

Are you ambidextrous? No, I'm just black. black. What are you looking at, dumbass? What are you looking at, dumbass? Wow, red band looks like a gray-ass motherfucker. God, this guy looks unhealthy. I'm looking at the ground.

I'm looking all around. I'm having the time of my life up here. I got to tell you. Oh, look at you. I thought, fuck these glasses. Who needs them? No, I need them. Wow, Timmy, I mean, you're on a whole new level.

Every single time you come onto the show, you're so innovative, you completely take over. This is unbelievable. In my own, near just about to be 20 years in this industry, I've never seen a man with the balls, the courage, and the talent to be able to switch races. I've seen people switch genders. I've seen people switch everything about themselves. I've seen, but I've never seen anything like this before.

Timmy, you have done it again. You have found another way to innovate and take things to a whole other level. You're unbelievable. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Tom. Now, where's my big fucking joke book? And I gotta tell you, you're also, you're showing amazing skills. Have you been trying to be a ventriloquist?

Because there's times where you're talking and your lips aren't moving at all. You see, I've learned, Pohn. Oh. I'm gonna eat your pussy. You got a pussy and I'm gonna fucking eat that shit. Here's a big joke book, Timmy. Hey, watch me catch this. Here we go. Here it comes.

Boom. Yeah, there we go. Still got it. Bye, shout, motherfucker. We see you next time. Woo! Here I go. I'm leaving now.

I'm gonna dance a little bit, but then I'm gonna go. All right, I'm walking the way I came. I'm walking out. Here I go. Say, late, bitch. All right, I gotta go now. I'll see you guys later. Oh, good to meet you, Tone.

Good to meet you on the Tone. I love you, bitch. Jesus, Timmy. Snapping up the blind bass player. And I gotta get the fuck out. I'm going. I'm not. Peace.

Make some goddamn noise. For Timmy no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. That was one of my favorite things ever, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No doubt about it.

No doubt about it. Timmy No Break's Freak of Nature has done it again. I mean 15 minutes of absolute chaos. Back to the bucket. This is going to be hard to follow. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen. Patrick Cassaday.

How are we all doing tonight? You guys ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 27 times? It's awkward when they tell you to stop doing it. You keep... No, it's my fault the first time, actually. I was about five, and I said, what do you want for your birthday? I said, I want to watch.

Fucking shit said, big wheel. Um... Stupid. Actually, my father passed away not too long ago. I'm pretty happy about that now. He left me his motor home, and I'm living in at about two miles away from here, so I get to sign up all the time. It's pretty awesome. But I've had a hard time talking about it with all my black friends

because I don't want to think I'm appropriating their culture when I'm not having a father now, which got me thinking about Star Wars. And how Anakin Skywalker was white. Oh, damn. But then as soon as he turned black, he left just gets in. No, that's right. All right.

That's all I got. Thanks, guys. Okay, Patrick Cassaday. All right. There's a little something there. I can see the premise that you were going with. When Anakin Skywalker turned black, coincidentally, he did leave his children. He became Darth Vader.

Played by a guy named Hayden, and then all of a sudden, He's six foot seven played by James Earl Jones, you know. There you go. Patrick. A little fun. How long you've been doing stand-up? About six months. This is my 33rd time on stage. Months.

Have you ever thought about doing your comedy off-stage into a microphone while a black man lip sinks your material for you? I am now because that sounded funny and I didn't even get to watch it. Yeah. From back there. It was hilarious. Yeah, it was great. Did you say six months?

Six months, yeah. And remind us, you've been on this show before. I have. And what did we learn? What did we talk about that last time? We talked about, oh, Jesus. Your father dying, right? Yeah, yeah.

And remind us what that was all about. Well, we always watch the show, and then he said, you know, when I go, better get out there and do the show. So I came out here last year for eight weeks, and I got on the show. Yeah. And then. Have you been doing open mics and working on it and stuff? Yeah, I just moved out here in August.

I've been doing open mics. ever since and working on my comedy for about three, four months. How long ago was that that you were on this show? Remind me. I was on again about two months ago. Okay. I didn't do very well, but you let me do another joke and that one went all right. Well, do you have another joke that you could do that's better than your set this time?

This could be your specialty, the guy that doesn't do good in the minute and then doesn't joke that's better than everything he tried in the minute. Okay. Do you have another one? I got a lot of them, but I don't know if it's going to be better, to be honest with you. Just try it. I don't think you know what's funny. Yeah, that's true. That's true. All right, dating's a little different now that I'm 50. Like, when I was young, the only birth control was the pill.

And that was kind of, I don't know, it's going to work. Or she's going to take it. They didn't have Plan B. Plan B was fucking move, you know. Plan C was Canada. Plan B was down the stairs. down the stairs but i never had to go that far thank god because i have family in british columbia there you go sounds like you got a lap there patrick what do you do for work i used to do insurance but since i moved out here i've been door dashing a lot door dashing

on my motorcycle okay how's that going for you how's door dashing on the motorcycle uh you know it's get my RV space paid for my truck payment paid okay any crazy things ramen on the table Happen while door dashing? I've only been doing it for about three weeks. Because before that, I had, you know, all dad's money. You spent that. Yeah. What did you spend that on?

Just, you know, rant and food. Hookers blow. Did you really spend it on hookers and blow? No, no, too old for that. Do you do blow? I used to, if I've done it before. I'm not a big, unless there's girls around, why it doesn't make sense, right? Your delivery system sucks.

Have you ever thought about a nice? So the people understand the words that you're saying? A lot better. Yes, I'm very nervous. Okay. I'm in front of, you know, one of my heroes right now. That's what happens. He's a big fan of Sylvester Stallone, obviously.

Don't be scared, you know, when I was shooting, I was about to fight Club of Lang. My legs are going, all scared. Then I realized I had written a movie, and we weren't actually going to be punching each other. There you go. It's a good way to... It was a great movie.

Patrick. It's tough to follow Timmy Novo. Yeah, I was holding to follow the other guy, fuck. I don't know if it would have gone that much better. Probably wouldn't have actually right. You got a little joke book last time? I did get a little joke book. Well, there you go.

That is where it will remain. We'll see you again soon. Patrick Cassidy, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to keep it moving real fast here as we come around the corner. Should be the last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for one of our very own. This is one. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody.

Make sure you check out Love on the Line at Heidiregina.com. Again, this episode brought to you by Talkspace. This is actually one of our very own team members around here. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Dusty Carter, everybody. Here comes Dusty Carter. I recently made a horrible mistake. I cut off all my hair and most of my hair. in most of my beard.

Yeah, I used to look like Jesus if his first miracle was turning water into meth. You know, I got tired of walking around looking like a cave man who had been thawed from ice. The problem is, now I just look like a white guy hired by it. I was at my daughter's school the other day, and I overheard these two ladies talking about a deaf kid that had been learning sign language.

And then he had an accident over the summer during Fourth of July. messed up some digits. I was like, that is so sad. That little boy was born deaf. Then he developed a lisp. It's okay for the rest of y'all to laugh. Hell, if he was here, he wouldn't have heard you.

That's my time. Dusty Carter with exactly 58 seconds. Hi, Dusty. Hey, Tony, how are you doing, boss? Great, buddy. Good to see you, man. Not a lot of people know this, but Dusty, a little fun fact, opens one half of the curtains for everybody that comes out of here.

Yeah. Isn't that interesting? It's like some inside showbiz stuff. There's two guys right on the other side of those curtains. One of them is Dusty, and then there's another guy. And then when I say the person's name, they wait one second for the band to start playing, and then they pull the curtains that way. Isn't that interesting?

High tech. High tech stuff. Dusty also puts together the table every Sunday night. Yes. With another guy. Used to take two hours, and then it took an hour and a half, and I believe they've now got it all the way down to what? 58 minutes.

58 minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Would you guys like to put together an LED table? That's not easy. 58 though why did you just say it took an hour no they're timing themselves yeah they take it very seriously yeah we it's it's more of a challenge than you know anything just to see if we can beat what we did before yeah because each week it's something different because this isn't the only show they have here they have other shows and then we have to sort through wires and things right make sure we got everything y'all need to enjoy what we do or they do you're damn right

absolutely dusty you mentioned having a daughter holds your daughter She is 11. Nice. And how's that going? She's amazing. She's excelling at everything, and she's loving school right now. She's with her mom this year while I got settled in Austin, and she'll be back with me this fall. Nice.

Nice. That's, you know, it's a lot of fun. Being a dad's most rewarding and stressful thing I've ever done in my entire life. Yeah, that's your only child? No, I have a son that's 26. You have a 26-year-old son. How old are you? I'm 45, Tony.

Wow. Yeah, prison has a lot of preservatives in its food. Yeah, and you were in prison for, what again? Manufacturing methamphetamine. There you go. The crowd goes wild. Welcome to the Kill Tony Universe, where you get a standing ovation for making meth.

You never dabbled in holler health care? No. Uh-uh. Tell us about it. What's making meth like? It's not like Breaking Bad. That was sissy shit. I used to do mine in the woods in 45 minutes

and it'd be 90% pure. Wow. He needs all that laboratory equipment when you're just fucking moonshining. Right. I would ask you your secrets or your process, but I immediately realize that that's probably against YouTube restriction.

Entertainment purposes only. We can talk about whatever we want. We can write books. Oh, interesting. By the way, Tony, I'm here to promote my coloring book. You got a coloring book slide? Yeah, yeah.

That's why I'm here to kind of promote that. You haven't talked about it like at all. What's your coloring book for? Well, it's an adult coloring book, you know? And like the subject is very mature, you know. Like the pictures you color in, you know, of like scenes from September 11th. Just to honor those fallen, those who got 9-11. who got 9-11.

Nice book. And at the end, you know, there's like a center-fold pop-out big thing of those who have fallen at the 9-11 memorial. Anyway, I'm sale now. At kylundigan.com, that's the only place to buy the coloring book. Dusty, a great appearance, fun times.

You're a likable guy. There's a lot of... Thank you. different, funny. There goes Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Well, what an episode we've had. I mean, this had three regulars and a golden ticket winner, the return of a couple great old characters.

And now there's only one way to end an episode like this. And that's the man with the most appearances ever in this show's history, the most interviews, the Hall of Famer. The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the magazine monster, the elevator, accelerler, the ZipRecruiter, Zebra, the Talk Space Tycoon. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Everybody, here we go. Quick housekeeping announcement.

There's an Astrovan parked out front. It's filled with guys and turbans reciting prayers, like frantically reciting prayers. Anyway, so I'm watching this Diddy documentary, The Reckoning, and I didn't realize that early in his career, Diddy hosted a celebrity basketball game where nine people were trampled to death when they were rushing into the gym to get a seat.

Apparently, they thought it was an Apex Twin Concert. Is it just me, or is the Taliban gotten too woke? I've always wanted to go to a mafioso Christmas party and be like, hey, wait, this mistletoe has a tiny little microphone hanging down. A teenager who wants to be a lion tamer jumped in the lion enclosure in a Brazilian zoo. If he had not been eaten alive by the lions, it would have gone really well. Okay, that's why I died. Thank you.

57 seconds from the man who's done it the most. And still, adding to his resume, the great William Montgomery. So nice to be here. I'm excited. I started back on the row machine yesterday. Good. And Tony Yeo, I got to say, man, one of your buddies up there is super high in the green room. He's been asleep this whole time. I drew a mustache on his fucking ass with a Sharpie. I hope he doesn't get mad when he wakes up.

Please have my back when he wakes up. That is possible. Yeah, this motherfucker's wasted up there, Tony! Wow. No, but he's having fun. Yeah, he's having a good time. I love it. William, you're back on the row machine.

You've been doing your puzzles? You've been making puzzles? Yes, I'm almost finished with the one that's filled with cakes. I ended up taking a break last week. I wasn't in the mood. I got out of the mood with the puzzles, but now I'm back at it tonight and tomorrow. be done. What kind of cakes are

on this puzzle? Oh my God, Tony. I mean, they all have blue icing which makes it super fucking difficult, but some of them also have red icing. Some of them also have a little purple icing. There's just all kinds, but all of them have blue icing Tony, which makes it really hard. It's a

really hard puzzle. Thousand piece. Thousand piece. Yeah, some of them have it. It's like blue and purple, blue and yellow. But there's no specific types of cake. There's no like I think one is strawberry because one of them has red in the inside

what them is white on the inside yell it thanks dumb ass is that what you wanted you fucking idiot what do you want me to yell it was a strawberry cake you fucking idiot wow you are mad at that guy in the crowd fucking mad at that fucking idiot what did he want me to fucking yell it was a strawberry cake

oh I'm trying to have fun at I don't it Yeah. Well, what's fun to you? I don't know how. What's, oh, my God, how depressing is that? Yeah. For no reason whatsoever.

Oh, all right. So what are you having fun with lately? What are you passionate about? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Anything? William? Is there anything that you're excited about in all of life?

I ate a banana earlier. It was pretty good. I had a banana in a while. Yeah, thank you. Oh, my God. It was a really great banana, Todet. Oh. Wow, you had a good banana.

What did you have with the banana? Little bit of peanut butter, Todet. Oh, shit. And some apples with a little bit of heartened, Todet. Wow. We love that. And it's a metamusal because I haven't been shitting again. Metamusal.

Wow. Yeah, sugar-free metamusal. Oh, sugar-free. Meta Musil, right when it... It tastes horrible. Oh, my God. What does it taste like? Like tang.

Ooh. And it looks like tang, too. It's orange. Wow. So that's been fun, mixing up the different mixture, seeing how much I can put in there. Okay.

Still dissolves, and... Yeah. And the metamusel makes you feel better? Yeah, it makes my tummy feel a little better, Tony. Oh, really? I had a pretty good doo-do today, Tony. Oh, my goodness.

How have your, how of your duty's been lately? Solid? They've been okay when I can. I mean, it's been two fucking days. I think it was because I was eating a bunch of butter fingers out in Tulsa. What were you doing eating butter fingers in Tulsa? Starving, Tony, and I felt weird. I was, like, I was, fucking, it was freezing cold,

and I was in the hotel room, and I don't want to leave the hotel room, and I'm watching some football, and it's like, well, I can't do-do, though. And I got to before the sets later on. About 20 minutes later, I'm able to do-to, so it was okay. Wow. Amazing. Yeah. It's real exciting.

Sylvester Stallone. Have you ever seen anything quite like William Montgomery before? No, I'm going to have to leave. But thank you so much for having me, Tony. Yeah. Appreciate it. Well, we are at the end of the show. You have any favorite Sylvester Stallone projects that you've seen?

I loved you and Predator. I thought you were wonderful killing off the Predator. that was wonderful when you put the mud on your body. Don't talk about it. That was really cool. I love that part. You're going to get the horns right here. Did that?

Hold on, Sylvester. Did that one guy... That's a baby Longhorn that I murdered myself. Strangled it in front of its mother. Sylvester, did that one guy actually shave in the jungle without the shaving cream? Did that actually have a wrong movie, buddy? Huh?

I think you... You're the wrong guy. Yeah. Yeah, that's... The Ernst Schwarzenegger guy. That's very disrespectful. You're thinking of Arnold... You're thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Why are you shaking your head like a fucking idiot, dumbass? I almost didn't have to interact with your fucking ass this entire night, and I was feeling pretty good. Who's that little cigarette you're smoking? What is that a Virginia Slim, you fucking pussy? What are you fucking smoking Virginia Slims over there? You fucking idiot? Like, because it's Christmas and that's what your mom smokes?

Dumbass, don't fucking come in me right now, fucking idiot. Fucking highlight of my days, drinking metamusel, you fucking idiot. Why are you coming after me? Why do you think coming after me was a good idea, dumbass? Yeah, after your mom and I are fucking done in her bedroom, which is way too hot all the time. She's smoking those fucking Virginia slums. Whatever, Robin Hood. Whoa.

Roasted by Red Band. know how to handle it because what are you referring to this hat I got for my sweet dead grandmother B your grandmother referring to or what are you referring to your grandmother's name was B yes oh my goodness that's adorable we caught her queen B we used to fuck her from behind whoa red band is roasty tonight they're having a I fucked your mom and grandma back battle, everyone. This is a whole new thing. He raised, he raised, he called your bluff and

raised you a grandma, everyone. It appears as though William is short-circuiting right now and doesn't know how to handle this situation. Could you Grammy tell you all about that metamuso, Willie? Okay, Red Band, very good. No, your fucking mom did, dumbass. A couple years. Oh, wow. It's a grandma-mom battle that's going nowhere.

Before we let you go, before I let you go, I want to, because I I, you know, it's not easy to get a powerful guest like Sylvester Stallone here, and you accidentally named an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I'm going to give you another chance here. Is there a favorite Sylvester Stallone film that you have that you would like to say right now? What? Is it Rudy? Aren't you the kid in Rudy?

Kick his ass. That's what I got. Is that what it is? Don't kick his ass, slide. Don't kick his ass. Let's give him another guess here. This is the great Sly Stallone. Or do you the coach of Bad News Bears?

Is Bad News Bears? No, no, no, no. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Sly. I don't know what to do. What's stopping me is the mental illness. I don't attack mentally ill people. It looks bad on TMZ.

That's true. Just clip it. You know, they don't show that part. He's naming the wrong movies. Yeah. They just show Scalone beating up a retarded guy. I'm going to give you one more chance. here. This is an opportunity

of a lifetime. We have Slice Stallone. You should pay your respects. You must have a favorite Sly Stelone movie. You do not leave your hotel much. You don't leave your house much. You watch, you consume a lot of television and movies. This should be

very easy for you. What is one of your favorite Sly Stelone movies? Rocky 3. Oh, Rocky 3. That was my favorite one. So you're a great arrest. I was hoping you'd get a lot of stone.

All right, Rocky. All right. Well, a real climax there at the end. William, an improv guru, some would say. Absolutely amazing. William, anything else you want to say before we leave here? Stop what Brian's mom will shoot on your chest. Wow.

Red band. Do you think you could create more silence in the room? Yeah, you're a fucking idiot. I mean, it's already got a little weird. You're fucking idiot. Would you think that was going to be funny? Dumbass? Really?

Did you think that one was going to be funny? Bringing my fucking, my dead grandmother back up, you fucking idiot? You didn't have sex with her. I had sex with your mom, dumbass. Seriously, really? I had us all set up here. I gave it to William, and then you... There you go.

Someone just broke a... Breaking shit. Someone just broke a beer bottle over their head right now. William, anything else you want to say? before we get out of here. It's very easy. Just fucking yell something, will you? Fucking anything, really.

It's just such an easy job at this point. You've created this entire world where all you have to do is literally just go, and now I've tried to think of something. Thank you. Good night of my buddy. And then I name the things and then we're fucking out of here.

The thing. Wow. The holiday season, Tony. There you go. The holiday season, everyone. What an unbelievable climax. Come to. How about a hand for William Montgomery, everybody. Guys, make some noise for the Killed Tony debut of the great Tony Yeo, everybody.

His podcast is out in the beginning of 2026. Find it, the Real Report. And how about one more time for Sylvester Stallone, everyone. He's on tour, get tickets to Kyle Dunnigan.com. Thank you to TalkSpace. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com's Secret Show every Thursday. How about a hand for the best damn band in all of the land?

We'll see you. I mean, this is it. This should be, yeah, it should be basically the week of the New Year's Eve show. So we'll see you at the Moody Center this week for our biggest live show ever in Austin, Texas. Very, very exciting stuff. We love you. God bless this audience. the United States of America.

Thank you. Good night, everybody. her whiskey hole The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. Thank you. I don't know.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.