KILL TONY - #750 - LANCE ARMSTRONG + TIM BUTTERLY + MATT MCCUSKER

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

Lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, Tim Butterly, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 12/15/2025 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh?

Who's ready for the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise. You are here at Kill Tony Brought You by Price Fix and Shopify. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Machos Belgronde, Matt Mueling on the Electric, playing a signature guitar, John PageGatars.com. The great John D's on the Keys, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new drop on Spotify called Oxygen. And this is indeed the one and only Dee Madness, live in the flesh. We are here with an absolute hoot-nanny of a show for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. please sit and stretch steep flip or that and enjoy via rail love the way we live in austin texas but we are jumping in a tour bus ladies and gentlemen and we are taking the actual killtony show to houston texas february 28th and dallas march 28th go to tony henchcliff dot com for tickets right now come see an actual killtony show in the great state of texas one in houston february 28th one in grand Prairie March 28th, Tony Hinchcliffe.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Wow. You know, when I book these things, I'm trying to be strategic. You know, sometimes this, sometimes that, sometimes it's just the best comedians in the world. Sometimes there's a rapper. Sometimes there's this or that. Tonight, we have two of the things. the best comedians in the world and one of the greatest athletes of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, three residents of Austin, Texas. I present to you Lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, and Tim Butterley. Yeah, holy shit. That's like a Lance Armstrong.

Matt McCusker and Tim Butterley. Holy shit. That's a fucking panel, if I've ever seen one before. Matt McCusker here is a brand new special on Netflix, humble offerings. Tim Butterly has a show with Matt McCusker called The Algonauts, the fourth Tuesday of every month at the creek in the cave. And how about a hand for fucking Lance Armstrong joining the chaos tonight? An amazing human being.

and I can say one of my golf buddies here in Austin. That's how crazy life is. Exactly. It's amazing. Who knew? We're going to have a lot of fun. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be pulled out of this bucket and get a minute on stage.

It could change their life. They could absolutely automatically go from living in their car or whatever's going on and having six roommates that fart a lot to being rich and wildly successful. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to pull a name out of this bucket. I'm not going to let this fucking pale meth head in the front road do it. I'm going to do it myself. Oh, you got braces, dude? Holy shit. How old are you?

37, finally getting it together. Look at you. Holy shit. You really are from Ohio. That's amazing. No better time than now, dude. braces. Do they give you a discount when you get them when you're almost 40 since most of your life is over?

Braces. The teeth. Finally fixing the teeth. What are you going to do about the fact that your eyes are almost touching? They don't make braces for faces, do they? We're going to have fun. We're going to have fun. This episode brought to you by braces. Beat his ass, dude. Punch him in the face. I could give him two black eyes with one punch just right in the middle. His eyes are right next to each other. This episode is brought to you prize picks and Shopify, while we go wrangle the first bucket pool of the night, we have an unbelievable golden ticket winner here for you. Your first performer doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds is one of the greatest members of our production team ever. We've absolutely watched

her grow and thrive and get better and stronger at everything, every single week. Ladies and gentlemen, going first tonight, make some fucking noise for Aya, everybody. When I first graduated college, I was just doing random stuff to make money. I tried selling edibles. You ever get so high you forget you sell drugs and just end up running a non-profit? It's kind of what happened. I couldn't afford to go on vacation, so I was just teaching myself how to lucid dream. Hawaii at night, I guess.

I feel like if I had more money, my standards for guys would be a little bit higher. Like a friend of mine, she had a one-night stand with a guy and he bought her a Plan B. And I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me. Because if a guy bought me a Plan B, I'd be like, damn, you would make an amazing provider. I wouldn't even know that.

I wouldn't even take the plan B. I would just keep the box to show my kid. That's how I knew he was the one. Okay, thank you guys. Exactly one minute from the great Aya, everybody. Hi, Aya. Hey, Tony. How's it going?

Good. How's it going with you? Fantastic. That was a great set. Thanks for asking how I'm doing. Nobody ever does that. Yeah. It's a thankless job over here. It's like my first time probably asking you too. Yeah.

Absolutely. Aya, tell these people about your life. My life, I recently cut my hair. I think I was thinking I was like, oh, I'm trying to be attractive to women, but then I really thought about being a lesbian and I heard that like vaginas are a little bit acidic and I have too many paper cuts to dig in there.

But I, um, I do, I want to fall in love, I want to fall in love with, um, with someone like a preferably Indian because, um, I don't know, when you fall in love with someone, you really get to know how their mind works. And, um, Indian people always seem to have a really, really good song stuck in their head. Just... And I want to know the lyrics, you know? I just sing along. I, uh, is so special.

So when you say you cut your hair, did you cut your hair? No, okay, so when we were in New York, I was like, I was going out in the town, and there was this lonely Uzbekistan. And I was like, oh, I'm going to give him some business. And so I did. And I got, this cost me $60. Is that like, I don't know, guys, like, is this $60 worth $60? It kind of looks like he cut your hair to dance for like a chic warlord, I guess.

It is, it might be the best haircut available in Uzbekistan. That might be. In the middle of his phone, like in the middle of the haircut, you got a phone call from his girl and yeah she was mad at him but I was like dang women and he was like yeah like men need to learn to control their urges like their sexual urges but women have this natural urge to be a bitch and he was telling me about how women we need to learn to control that too and I could see where he was coming from yeah because I get that urge too I'll start fights with the boys for no reason Yeah, I love it.

Now you have the haircut. They don't even know what you are. Yeah. Could get scared. When you say you wanted to be a lesbian for a second, was I'm trying to figure out the chicken or the egg, because it seems like you got your haircut and then you decided, is that what happened?

What happened first? Were you thinking about being with a woman and then you got the haircut, or did you get that haircut, and then that's what happens? Do you get a weird haircut and become a lesbian? Yeah, I think it's like, it's like that. It's like, I don't know how it works for gay men if you get the voice first and then the thought. You get the voice first.

And then the thoughts happen. I can tell you from my own experience. It's true. Iya, you are an absolute fucking little angel. We love you. You're an amazing part of the team. It's so fun to watch you grow as a comedian. I love that.

I'll be on the Secret Show Thursday. Yeah, see you on Thursday. Thank you, thank you. You just got booked on a real show. And it has begun, ladies and gentlemen. When Ayah has gotten the party started, and now we switch over to the bucket, everyone. This is where chaos happens.

We meet people all together. Could be a completely crazy person, could be an old person, could be a young person, could be white, could be super black, could be brown, could be Asian, anything can happen. The whole thing's improvise. You guys ready for your first bucket pool? Here we go.

All together, make some noise, for Remy Swice, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. How's it going? My name is Rumi Swice. I'm of Middle Eastern descent. Both of my parents are from Jordan. And on top of that, I'm from Oklahoma City. I was born and raised in Oklahoma. And that makes me a Southern Arab gentleman. That means I allow my women to work next to me, rather than ten steps behind, everywhere we go.

I might even hold her hand. My favorite sport is baseball. And I always wondered, how come they don't have baseball in the Middle East? You know, here in America, we've got the sandlot. Middle East. Lots of sand. Love that. So I'm Arabic, right? I'm Arabic.

That means my pronouns are hijab. Now, Major League Baseball is going to start having games in India. Do you all hear about this? Yeah, they got cricket. We got baseball trying to bridge the gap internationally. You know what makes me laugh when I think about baseball in India? Every night of the ballpark is bobblehead night. Doesn't bobblehead sound like what you get from a Hindu girl when she goes down on you?

Hey, I'm Remy Swice. Thank you very much. Remy Swice. If you had two Indian bobblehead jokes happening to start the show on your bingo card, if you would have bet $1 on prize picks, you would have won $3.5 billion. It's never happened before. and there it is, back-to-back, prize picks. Use the promo code Tony. Let them know we sent you.

Hi, Remy. Hey, Tony, how's it going? Fantastic. How are you? A lot of, they got a lot of sand. That was crazy. It's like, did you finish writing that joke? Yeah, thank you.

That's a, no, no, no. No, no, you're misunderstanding me. I'm saying you didn't, like, finish it. You have a premise there. And then it just ended with, we got lots of sand. Okay, very good. Remy, how long you've been doing stand-up? About four or five years.

About four or five years. Most of it here or in Oklahoma? About half of it here and half of it in Oklahoma. Okay. And where? Were you in like an actual city in Oklahoma or out in the middle of nowhere? No, Oklahoma City. Okay.

What was that like being a brown guy in Oklahoma City? It was all right. You know, back at the turn of the century, I had to act Spanish after 9-11 for a little bit. But, yeah, it's like... What would you do to act Spanish? an example? You know, like wear beanies low to my eye

and like the button up shirt with the two buttons at the top and everything open. What do you do for work, Remy? Right now I, Uber and do comedy, actually. I'm getting paid to do comedy now. Who's paying you to do comedy? Who is this person?

Oh, that's good stuff. Where are you getting booked at? I'm getting booked at the creek. I got booked in New York a couple times. I got booked in Orlando. It's booked at the creek, but he looks like he lives in a cave. Am I right?

The creek in the cave is the full name of the comedy club. The guys that know are laughing really hard right now because he does look like he lives in a cave. Okay. Have you ever thought about joining a terrorist organization? Start my own. Okay. What would that look like to you?

What would be the first thing that would be the first attack that you would do? Geez. Probably my third grade teacher's house. Wow. All right. You had a real answer there. Let's check in with it. Matt McCusker.

Yeah, I'd like to talk more about this Middle Eastern Sandlot. I think you're on to some of the sandlot, the Middle East. They can, like, hit the ball over the wall, but instead it's just into Israel. They've got to go over the wall to get it. And then a baseball hit somebody, and they drop a bomb on you. You're killing me. Smalls has a different meaning with a suicide vest. Man, I just realized this is Lance Armstrong.

Wow. Yeah, I bet you never bet. What a fucking pull. I bet you never met an astronaut before. That's right. That's right. I watched... Lance, what do you...

So they really don't know what's happening when they come out here. Exactly. No, the whole thing's real. How many of these people are coming up here? Because we might have to be doing this a few times. Yeah. No, it's going to happen.

People are going to notice you and go, holy fucking shit, you're Lance Armstrong. It's one of the fun things. What's with all the gray hair? No, you're fine. No one's even noticing. Look at this fucking guy. Osama been eating over here.

My goodness, gracious. You're eating Al-Qaeda foods out there, huh? My goodness, gracious. But I like Oklahoma. Yeah? What have you done in Oklahoma? Yeah, well, I grew up in North Texas, so we would, you know, I would go up there and race. I mean, I did. I liked it.

I like Tulsa, Norman, Oklahoma City. He's the main right there. Yeah. That's cool. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I love it. Anything else crazy about your life?

Maybe the one who's nice up here tonight. Yeah, that's good. That's a plan. Fucking destroy these people. Somebody's got to be, poor people. It's going to be great. Wait till you find one that you don't like. It's going to...

I can't wait. I've seen this happen before. People start off earlier. They go, I'm going to be nice. An hour later, you're going to be like, you fucking suck, dude. You need to quit. Never do this again.

I run this. biggest Millie Vanilly fan club page on Facebook. Millie Vanilli. Wait. Yeah. In 2014, I hashtag... Does everybody know who Millie Vanilla is? See, there's...

There's enough young people. They're like, who? They were my favorite band growing up. I say band, but then they got... The shit that went down happened to them. But yeah, in 2014, I hashtag Millie Vanilli and nothing came up, and I was like, I gotta do something about it. Wow.

How's that going? Did you build it? I had over 7,000 people in the group. So 7,000 people. Wow. And it's the biggest one in the world, no big deal. Just out of curiosity, how many followers on the second biggest

Millie Vanilly Facebook people? I think like a thousand maybe. Fucking losers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so the guy that killed himself, his sister joined the group. Yeah, yeah. And then she, like, tried to run it.

And I was like, get the fuck out of here. And then someone else reached out on behalf, and I was like, if your friend wants... This is classic Facebook mod behavior, dude. Beat it, putts. I built this from the ground up. I was like, you start your own. That's exactly what I said.

I was like, they were my favorite band in the third grade. Anyways. And so someone reached out for her on her behalf to me, and I was like, if she wants the page, it's five grand cash American. And, yeah, I'll sign it over to you. You can do whatever you all with it. If you want your dead brother's band's Facebook page.

If you want me to stop posting my stand-up clips on your dead brother's band's favorite with $5,000. No, I keep that separate. Which Vanilli died? Was it Vanilli or Manili? Yeah. This is our senior Vanilli. My mom met Vanilli, or one of the guys, in an elevator when Blame It on the Rain was number one. That was her big celebrity moment. So the guy that's thrown around, his name is Fabri.

Morevan is the guy that's still alive, and then Rob Palatis was the guy that passed. Wow. Amazing. Your knowledge of literally a laughing stock of a musical group. Absolutely incredible. Eddie Murphy is my favorite comedian. What does that say? It says that your time

here is done, my friend. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Remy Swipes, ladies and gentlemen. When people just start randomly naming their favorite comedians, you know the interview has ended. Uh-oh. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen,

check out her podcast. Love on the Line at Heidiregina.com. How about it one more time for Heidi, everyone, getting us all liquored up here. All right, your next bucket pool. 60 seconds, uninterrupted, going to Lino Rodriguez, everybody.

Here comes Lino Rodriguez. I'm so stressed out, guys. The other day I got flashed by the whole. by a homeless guy with the biggest blackest cock I'd ever seen in person. Shout on Mia Khalifa. He had a cock that was so big. How big was it? He had a cock that was so big I thought to myself,

how is this guy homeless? How is this guy homeless? I got what I got. I got a place. This guy should have a mansion. And before I knew it, he started a helicopter dick at me. And it was so big I could hear the sound. The motherfucker was powering the Midwest by himself.

And before I knew it, he took flight. As if God was calling him. to heaven. He started to terrorize all the 6th Street. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You got a dollar? Whoa, whoa, foe, foe. Are you going to finish that cigarette?

Lino Rodriguez, going all the way to the bear there. Hi, Lino. How's it going? Good. That was okay. That was good. That's like the best you've ever done on the show, right? Yeah, I think so.

It felt good. I think so, too. You've been on many times. What have we learned about you? What are the big fun facts about Lino? Remind me. I'm a club foot Puerto Rican from Mississippi. Okay.

Yep. That makes sense. Puerto Rican from Mississippi, Jordanians from Oklahoma. It's a real melting pot we have here tonight. So how clubbed is that foot exactly? What does that mean? That your toes are like webbed?

Are they there? What does that mean? When I was born, they were upside down. Your toes were upside down. shaped like a golf club. Wow. Yeah, I could wipe my own ass with my feet. Okay.

What do you do for work, Lino? I work at the Vulcan Gas Company, and I also work in a smoke shop selling weed out of a bus. Okay. How's that going? We got robbed. How did that happen? Middle of the night, or...

Yeah, it was late night. They busted in the back of the bus and took all of our weed mushrooms. Very cool. people. Okay. Yeah, they busted in through the back door. Were you in there? Oh, no, I was partying somewhere else.

But it was open. The band, they were selling stuff. No, no, no. It was closed. They broke in late night. They knew what they wanted. They wanted our weed. They wanted our mushrooms. They wanted our vapes. Right. What else could they possibly want from a van that sells weed, mushrooms, and vapes? It's not much else. Cash. Yeah. They're definitely not

looking for your joke book. That's her sure. Lino, how long you've been doing stand-up? Around four or five years now. Okay, four or five years. And it's going good for you, huh? I'm having a good time. Yeah, I like it out here. I've been having a fun time about working in the local scene

and building my way up from fucking shit, so. Yep. Yeah, it's trying. I love it. I love it. Comedy. Why Lino? What is that name?

Is your parents named you that? I'm named after my dad. dad. My dad's name was Leno, and then he got murdered, so they're like, we need another Leno. Your dad got murdered? Yeah, my dad was murdered, yeah. Tell us about that. Vap shop robbery. No, the motherfucker got murdered with the baseball bat. Oh, that's right. Yep, it's all coming back to me now. And he's not even a baseball. Lino, how old were you when that happened? I wasn't.

I don't say, how is this, this isn't adding up. I wasn't born. We needed another one of you and he was murdered. Yes. Then maybe you have a different dad. No. Your mom? All of me, right?

I mean, my mom is not that big of her, you know. No, my dad, he was murdered while I was in the womb when I was in the tummy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, damn. Okay. I mean, this is just such a crazy speech impediment to hear about a dead dad with.

Because for a second, I thought you were in the room when they murdered it. I was in the same womb as he was. Could have been you. Could have been you, little arm reaching out with a baseball bat? Okay. Yeah, little foot.

Club foot. That crazy club foot. He was either killed by a baseball bat or a mysterious upside-down foot. We were both clubbed. There you go. Absolutely. Like father-like son. The apple doesn't fall far from the Louisville slugger.

Lino, you've been up many times before. You always have gotten a little joke book, I'm guessing, right? Yeah. Well, guess what, buddy? Today's the big day. Big joke book for you. Thank you, Reno Rob Regis, ladies and gentlemen. This holiday season, your support can help Cam H transform mental health care.

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Make some noise for Joe Hanson. We're going to meet Joe all together. One minute, uninterrupted for Joe Hanson, everybody. What's up, guys? I was raised really poor, just right off the bat. My parents would always try to hide it from us, though? They would always say shit, like, it's national leftover hamburger helper day. It's like, it's been national leftover hamburger helper day for five nights in a row, man. What are you trying to pull on us? I figured it out, though. I did figure out we were poor when it came time to put down our family dog. It cost $45, and my dad was just like, nah, I'll shoot it. Right? Like, but I was seven years old, man. I took that at face value. I was Like, oh, I cannot get sick.

We are not a minute clinic family at all. I'm sure, Dad, I have a headache. Die, bitch! That's cool, though. That's cool. Austin's fun. I was walking down six, and this girl goes, I'm having hot girl tummy issues.

And then she lifted up her shirt, and she just had a colostomy bag. That's not hot girl tummy issues. That's just a bag of shit. strapped to you. Thank you. Hell yeah. Joe Hansen. Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah. Nice. Welcome, welcome. How long you been to stand up? Uh, like two, probably two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin? No, I'm actually from Kansas City originally. Okay. Now you live here? No, no. Actually, I just moved down to Clearwater, Florida. Okay. What made you move to Clearwater,

Florida? My wife is doing her residency down there. So what is she doing a residency for? Internal medicine. Okay. She's a doctor. Five years, five years retirement. I'm fucking out of a job in five years. Amazing. Look at you, you little gold digger. What do you do for work? I just work like bullshit IT right now.

All right. Okay, let me, if they see this, it's cool IT. And I love it so much. Okay. What kind of money are you making? Not enough to really be saying how much I love it, but... Right. Enough that I don't want to lose it.

What are the hours like? Just normal corporate shit. Okay. You're doing help desk, server admin? Yeah, server, or help desk. Help desk, that's bitch stuff. Yeah, it is bitch. Fry started, man.

Really? Yeah, they really treat you like a fucking loser. And then he worked your way up to full-time comedian. That's... Yeah, you're right, it is pretty impressive. Thank you. Yeah, it is. It actually is.

Joe, what's your plan to work yourself up to being a big-time comedian? Because Clearwater, Florida, is a little rough. Yeah, well, Tampa's, it's like, Tampa's got an okay scene. It's not as, like, saturated, I feel like, but it's very much, like, you got to know who's who to get on the shows and stuff. What else are you into? You have any other special skills or hobbies or anything that you're into? I wish I could say I do. There's got to be something.

Well, I mostly just spend time taking care of my wife so that, like, it's, I feel like it's... I bet you she would phrase it differently. No, I do. I really do. Because I treat it like the same way you would invest in 401K's, me doing the laundry is my contribution. Oh, that's got to suck. Yeah. Does she just, like, tell you that Wendy eat her pussy and stuff? Yeah, she gets from work, and she goes, someone died, eat my bucks.

Wow. Amazing. That is incredible. Does she kind of bring her work home with her sometimes and you have to hear about it? I check her on that shit. What do you mean? Give us an example. Well, she'll come home in a flurry and she'll just like, she'll like work ICU or something

and like four people will die and she'll go, yeah, today's sock. And I'm just like, yeah. But let's leave it at the door and let's go watch some movies or something. Okay. I've got, I don't know, I feel like a puppet master a little bit because I've, I've kind of like helped her cope by manipulating it sounds like I guess how long have you been with her we just got married this year's four years okay thank you there's some people very impressed by a four year long relationship yeah it's amazing she come down here with you uh uh does she know you're

doing she's at work right now dog well she's gonna know yeah let's hope yeah she'll like it so you just came to Austin, for what exactly? Me and a group of guys from Kansas City. They came down here and I met up with them. And then we've just been running the shows and mics out here. See anything crazy while you were here in Austin? There was like, I mean, I hate to just be like, yeah, a homeless guy. But like there was some guy who like was just screaming at the top of his lungs.

Well, he started to get close. Amazing. God help you if you ever visit New York or Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah, dude. There's a homeless guy screaming. Fucking amazing. It's creepyer when it. whisper yeah that's a great point red band you guys drove down together uh no i flew they drove

dr wife money yeah yeah i go yeah you guys have nine they're gonna be sitting in the fucking farted up van driving back you're the one that got on the fucking show yeah he was in class he was in a helicopter right above them yeah You guys look so small from up here. Well, Joe, I liked your set. I thought it was funny and clever, so here's a big joke book. Congratulations.

There he goes, Joe Hansen. We're gonna keep it moving along. We have a special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen. One of my favorite characters that we ever found here on the show is dropping in with a brand new minute. Make some noise, you know them, everybody. This is indeed the one and only Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. There we go.

Thank you. Thank you. I was driving last night and I accidentally hit a deer. A dear old lady. up at 1 a.m. I told the cop she didn't look left or right before she crossed and he said she shouldn't have to in her own kitchen. It's that time of year where I've got to decide

whether to hang my Christmas lights or myself. I don't really need Christmas lights, I just need a bottle of luminal. I was in a drag race earlier today and I got disqualified for wearing sneakers instead of high heels. is up. Sir Winston Pickles. I love it. I love your style, Sir Winston. I hit a dear, a dear old lady. Fantastic panel, Tony. Thank you. So you've missed the, you missed the all opportunity to get Rob Reiner. Oh, that is true. We will not have Rob Reiner. He was coming up in a few weeks. That ship has sailed. Yes, yes. You are one evil clown. I got to tell you, Sir Winston

Pickles. I love it. Great jokes. How's life been going? Sir Winston. Very busy. Luminal. Red band wants to know what Luminal is. Luminal is a thing. I've watched every episode of Forensic Files that you can spray around the room and if you light it up with the black light, it shows you where blood has been. So what he's saying is that he's murdered so many people that he doesn't have to put up Christmas decorations. He just needs to spray his place with lumenol and it'll all light up. There you go. Smart and funny, if you know what lumenol is,

I think I was the only person in the room that knew what it was. Maybe a black light or something instead, you could say, right? I mean, you know, he probably, he's got a smart crowd. You don't need a black light with lumenol. It's a chemical reaction, Brian. Oh, really? You don't need a black light?

No. Oh, okay. All right. It just lights up automatically. Yes. Amazing. The black light would show Gizzo. Yeah, look. Yeah. See what's coming out of his Sir Winston pickle.

You know what I'm saying? So Sir Winston, take us through like a day in the life, because I think about you sometimes. I'm like, I wonder what the fuck he does during the day. I wonder what he looks like. I find you to be an intriguing, intriguing man. So take us through like a... I just go around making a nuisance of myself in various stalls. What do you mean?

Like, I got to Dick Sporting Goods. Work out on their equipment. Actually, I've just bought a Rohing machine. Yeah? But you... Got a great price on it, but flood in the living room every night. It's costing me a fortune. That's just a boat.

Yes, a kayak. So what time of the day do you usually put on the makeup and everything? Like noon. About noon. Amazing. And you'll like run errands and stuff. Yes, run errands, yeah. And you enjoy it, right?

I love it. Yeah. It's cool. Yes. What do you do when you're not in the makeup? Is there anything that you do? Like, you don't go to, like, a doctor's appointment like that, do you? Once or twice.

Okay. What's one of the weirdest places that you've been in that makeup? where you got a weird reaction. DMV, did they let you take your driver's license? No, they don't let you do that. My driving license, picture is totally different. Okay. No.

No, nobody wants to do that. Any other weird times where you're Sir Winston Pickles? Well, when I used to DoorDash, I did try it twice. Oh, my God. Yes. DoorDash. Yeah, the old ring cameras. Oh, I can't even fucking imagine.

Yes. People must be scared to death. The tips were very high. Yeah. Yeah, that's just straight up scary. I love it. And you're married, right? Yes, unfortunately.

Is she a clown too? No. I should say my ex-wife. She's a clown. No. Oh. What does that mean, see your ex-law? After that, that I just said, unfortunately.

Right. Oh, I gotcha. Yep. Yes. Gotcha. All right. Sir Winston. Well, another great set. So much fun. Always a pleasure to have you. Oh, so different. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you. The evil, dark clown. So dark, yet so white. Sir Winston Pickles. There he goes, everybody. So Winston Pickles was on the show. All right, here we go. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Taylor Ferrer. Ferrer. Taylor Ferrer. Make some noise for Taylor. So I'm still mad at Obama for not using Once You Go Black, you never go back for his re-election slogan.

It was right there. And it would have opened up the door for Trump to use Orange is the New Black. And then Kamala could have kept it going with, Aren't you glad I'm not Biden? And then in a few years, RFK can run on the slogan, Orange Juice is giving liver cancer to children. You know, and I Google a lot of stuff. Like the other day, I googled whether cum goes

when you get a vasectomy. I didn't know. And for those of you don't know, when you get a vasectomy, they cut the tube that connects the balls to the outside. And you can't just plug it, right? You can't just put like a little cork in it because you'll keep making jizz.

It'll back up, and then your balls will explode. I think, I don't know, that's why I googled it. It turns out they don't plug it. They just leave it open. So you just continue making jizz. It goes out the open tube. And then your body just reabsor that's gay dude you mean to tell me that every time you orgasm you're just coming all up inside

yourself uh-uh not in god's country there you go taylor fairer welcome to the show taylor got funny there at the end i don't know if you're quite the political comedian that you think you are you seem like a guy that would talk about jiz being backed up into your own balls and you really found your voice there towards the end. I love it. How long you've been doing stand-up, Taylor? It's like my 10th time. Oh, wow.

So you're new. Yeah. That's phenomenal for 10 times. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Appreciate it. Absolutely great. How long ago was the first time?

So I started actually like right before pandemic because I was in PA school and I was doing it just for kind of fun. PA school. Like a physician assistant. Okay. So I was doing it during PA school. We would all go out together and then. Wait, this is who that guy.

wife is going to school with? Yeah, I think so. Fuck. Yeah. And I did it a few times and then pandemic hit and I just stopped and then I started back up a couple months ago. Nice. What made you want to start back up a couple months ago?

I just always wanted to do it. So I figured... Where do you live? Miami. Okay. I could see that. That seems right. So what exactly do you do for work in Miami?

I work at an ER. You work in an ER? As a regular... I got PA. Right. And so what's some crazy stuff that you've seen? You'd have to be super crazy stuff there. Yeah, Miami emergency room.

I can't even fucking imagine. You tell. Not long ago, this older, like, 84-year-old lady came in. She thought she had a UTI. And so we're checking her out for that. And she... That's a joke. That wink just lost your medical license, by the way.

Yeah, so we're checking her out for the UTI. And then she was telling the nurse that the reason why she thinks she had a UTI is because she was having sex and a bunch of liquid came out and she said her boyfriend told her that squirting is a thing. And so then we had to tell her, yeah, that is a thing. And she did not have a UTI. So she just came to the ER to tell us that she squirted for the first time. And then she just...

Wow. Holy shit. What's your Instagram? What a brag. Red band. Red band. Red band. You can't just say things like that.

That's a real human being. Do you know what her Instagram has? All right. So that's pretty amazing. She came to you because she came. Yeah. It's impressive. If you don't mind, Lance wanted me to ask,

is squirt piss? That's a great question. All right. So yes and no, there's piss in it, but it's not all pissed. I do have a question, but that wasn't my question. No, no, no, don't put this on me, Lance. I'm sick.

It's an important question. Oh, no, you're going to like my question that you're going to get blamed for. I really have a question. No, I want to hear the other one, too. Save that question. Let's find out your breakdown of what do you think the piss to? What is the special liquid that comes out?

So there is, there is urine in it. They've done studies where they show like imaging, and you see the bladder does get empty to some degree, but it's not all piss. Totally true. That is correct. I used to argue with Red Band. We would get into vicious arguments.

No, I remember. I've always said it's not pee. Right. That's what I'm saying. I, back in the day, thought it was pee. But, like, it always... Okay, you go ahead. Sorry.

Welcome to another episode of Kill Taylor, everybody. You go ahead. You take over. It used to confuse me because, like, squirting is always clear, and I was like, there's no way that every woman's just super hydrated all the time. Right. That was what gave me pause. You're exactly right.

I'm a, like I was saying, I'm going to go back to my thing, and then we're going to get to Lance's question. I'm a converted squirited squirt. believer. There was a period of time where I was anti-squirt. I was convinced it was just straight pee. But I got to tell you, it's something else. It tastes way better than pee.

Definitely. Red band said it. I might completely agree with him, but in any matter, disgusting, Red band, you're so gross. Let's go over to Lance Armstrong. Yeah, but is that true about the vasectomy? That can't be true. It doesn't stay inside.

I think there's... That you're supposed to know. I'm not a PA or a doctor or anything. There's different ways. One of the ways is to leave it open, but there's also ways that I think that they do actually. So there's anybody in the room had one of these things done? I did.

Yeah, anyone give themselves a fucking... Were you wondering this? Super bisectomy? What? Like, there's nothing comes out? Oh, no, no, no. You still have seminal fluid coming out, but it doesn't connect to the seams.

It tastes way better. It tastes way better, red band says. Okay. I should have said that. That's great. It's a lot sweeter than regular com. I don't... I don't have any more questions.

Perfect. The defense rests. I'm still on the squirt, so, okay, some of it's pee. Some of it's pee. What is the other stuff? Is it just like leftover giz from the guy before you? That's usually it. That's usually it.

Hey, I'm asking a doctor, guys. It's confidential. It's a bunch of magical stuff. It's kind of like lady sweat, but inside of the thing called the vaginal sponge or something like that, the bladder sponge. There's like a thing, top, top shelf. There's a whole system to it. I might know more than you.

I looked into this. I watched a whole 30-minute YouTube tutorial. There's a system. Taylor, what's your love life like? You seem like a good-looking guy. You're in Miami. You're married. Wow.

We met in PA school. Okay. All right. And is she also working in the ER? No, she works in aesthetics. Okay. Like Botox fillers, that kind of stuff. Okay.

Wow. And no kids? No. Now, how does that happen? What are you doing? What's your method? Pulling out. Just regular old pulling out.

Right in time. Just in time. You have a favorite place where you shoot your load? Good question, Tony. Thanks, Tony. Jeez, you people, with your groans. Depends on the position. Probably the back.

Got it. Yeah, you're sick of her face at this point. Have you made her squirt? Her or no. Interesting, right? No, no! That was the worst answer you could have given. No, no, that's that Miami lifestyle, dude.

Now, why do you think that is? Do you think she's just not hydrated enough? That might be the answer, yeah. That might be the answer. No, I think it's a, I don't know if it's a learnable skill, but I think there's some girls could do it, some can. Right, maybe you can. Some girls are drier than your political jokes.

She may not be old enough. Yeah. Because that other lady was old, 80-something. That's true. Just wait. So we got to wait, yeah. Yeah, you gotta wait a little bit.

I'll keep you updated. Any day now. I'm surprised that guy didn't come with that old lady. I would have followed her there and be like, yeah, I did that. Yeah. He's just in the lobby with a poster board.

It was me. Just pointed to him. Amazing. Amazing, Taylor. Well, fun times. A good set. You picked it up towards the end. I like your style.

There's a big joke book. Back to Miami. He goes, Taylor Ferrer. All right. We're moving at a great pace. I like this episode. This is fun. From Searchlight Pictures comes,

Is This Thing On? Directed by Bradley Cooper and starring Canada's own Will Larnett. Is This Thing On is the story of a man's unconventional journey to find himself, seeking new purpose in the New York stand-up comedy scene

while navigating his impending divorce. Is This Thing On is a wrong. raw, authentic, and hilarious story about discovery, reinvention, and second chances in life. C is this thing on. Now playing in select theaters everywhere January 9th. This looks like a new name. Make some noise from Michael Moses, everybody.

Back to the bucket with a minute uninterrupted from Michael Moses. Oh, what's up, Austin? I'm happy to be here, man. Happy to be out of the house. Girls mad at me right now. Just had a message on my phone. Message popped up. She looked at it.

She goes, who's Amber? I was like, A kid is missing, all right. I'm not Muslim. I'm not Muslim. I know I look Muslim, but I'm not. I got a white mom. She's very white. She's on a cruise ship right now.

Okay? But, like, and I grew up in a small town in Canada. 3,000 people. So Muslim people, they pass me, and they're like, al-A-Lam-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong, dude. I have no idea what the fuck that is. My mom, very white. She's very, like I said she's on a cruise ship.

She remarried white. This dude. so white. His name's Mark with a C. All right? Mark wears jean shorts. All right. Every time he gets startled, he's like, oh, jeepers. White. Mark's so white, he jumps into water like this. Okay? Plugs his nose. He's a grown man. I go, Mark, jump into the water. Let the water go up your nose. Snobrocketed it up and push it towards another family like a man. He goes, nah, it stinks. All right. My name is Michael Moses. Thank you so much. Welcome to the show, Michael.

This is your first time on, right? How long you've been on stand-up? 13 years. 13 years. Holy shit. Where at? Canada, all over. Started Alberta, Toronto, and yeah.

That's where you're born, Alberta? Yeah, no, Winnipeg. Middle, moved west, started comedy East. Yep, absolutely. So 13 years. And what ethnicity are you exactly? I'm mixed, I'm mixed, so Tony, if you want to ask. me, the whitest thing about me? Go ahead.

Well, all right, here we go. I guess this guy's ready. I watched the show. 13 years. He is prepared. What is the whitest thing about you? I don't use a washcloth in the shower. That is true. We don't do that. Do you use a lufa?

No. You just go... Just fucking bar to hand. Raw dog. Bar in hand. Wow. A lot of people are saying you in the audience. Like, he has to touch. my body. You're good, bro. You ain't touching me now. What colors your lufa, Tony? Black. Yeah, me too. Look at that. We have that in common. Look at us. Hopefully we don't never get them mixed up. All right. Speaking of the color, black, do you know what questions coming at you next? De-madness? What is, don't make de-madness jokes right now.

Okay. What is the blackest thing about you, Michael Moses? My grandma is 46 years old. Oh, my God. Wow. Thank you, Sora. That is amazing. That is amazing. So which parent is that?

That's your mom's? Oh, yeah. My dad's the black one. Uh-huh. So how old's your dad? R-I-P. He was 37 when he was. 37?

He did die by gunshot. That is probably the real black. thing about me. That happens in Canada? Yeah. Wow. I thought you guys had it all figured out up there. 37 he was killed by a gun.

What exactly went down there? D. Madness is going to find the killer right now. Yeah, free. He does not like black men being killed. He's very aggressive about it. He's solved exactly zero murders, by the way. They call him a private eye. People with eyes can't find, so if he can do it.

I made that joke. Five seconds. ago. So what happened, what happened where your dad got shot? It was a so it was a clothing store robbery. So he was doing the robbery? Hold on. Let's take it one step at a time.

No, you're falling on. Your dad was doing a robbery with his friends. With his friends in Canada. In Canada. Denim jacket store? 100% right. I also think that beats the 42 year old grandma I mean. Yeah, what was the exact store? Was it a foot locker?

It was a clothing store. It was a You don't know the clothing store? No, I don't. You never asked. I, this, like, it happened when I was 17. I've been too scared to find out. Because we don't, we actually don't know what happened to the guys. So what do you?

Be fucking that guy who doesn't want to touch me right now. What do you know about what happened? So, yeah, the clothing store, he went in with them friends to rob the place. They knew the person who owned it. Right? And then there were, like, you know, customers, and they tied them up. they all tied them up and put them in and then this is what I've heard from my uncle

who kind of went up there and looked and my mom said so things we want to believe your 18 year old uncle yeah yeah right yeah exactly so the thing like my dad had that moment of this ain't right and then you know tussle back and forth gun goes off gone

oh shit damn wow he's really fresh to death Oh, my bad, sir. Yeah, no, no. We needed somebody to try to break attention, and that, that was a good effort, man. Thank you, brother. The dude with the black wife, got to go for it, bro, you know? Yep.

I appreciate that coming from him. You're exactly right. Incredible. So what's mom up to? She's alive? Yeah, remarried white. She went white. So the mark things real.

To mark. 100% amazing 100% yeah they love cruise ships they own a big camper they go camping all summer she golfs and she just works and chills yeah wow amazing not bad at all no she's still in winnipeg no she's uh like southern alberta cooldale alberta hometown like katie lang never okay you gotta you gotta try you all know that song the big bone girl from southern alberta come All right, next. Try the fresh to death one. She's from Southern Alberta.

It was a bad theme for dad's dying tonight. Another dude is dad got hit with a baseball bat. Damn, really? Yeah. Who did it? We didn't get into that. We didn't even find out. Okay, damn, you asked them. Amazing. Okay, so mom's back out on cruise ships. How do you make?

money I do I do this comedy and then I have a social media channel so it's a stupid concept but the concept is I go into a restaurant every day at the same time I order the exact same thing and I see how long it takes for them to ask me if I want the usual and I know but it's got I got I'm getting 50 million views on video it's like it's it that's a that's it's the concept is that but But then what happens, it's wholesome shit, you know, I get to know somebody a stranger, turn them into a stranger, and then at the end of the, you know, a week we just raise money for them.

I've, you know, gotten people like $2,000 actually helped the Korean lady and now she can ship her son off to university in Australia. Wow. So like that. So then social media money like that. Very cool. I'm doing it. So.

All right. Has there been one where it hasn't happened yet and you're still there like two for two years or something? 100% bro. I'm doing Sandy's hamburgers here. Austin, Texas, day 22, these motherfucking Mexicans do not speak to me. I love it. Hilarious. Michael, what's your love life like? Don't, I actually, I just got engaged four weeks ago.

Wow. Thank you. Is she white? She's white and pregnant. You're following in your dad's footsteps. She's pregnant, too, so I am doing everything. Oh, my goodness. Do you ever tie her up while? stealing her clothes.

Oki-dokey. Following in his dad's footsteps. You guys remember? I love it. How pregnant is she? Due February. Due February. Wow.

It's coming. It's coming, man. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Michael, fun times. Thank you, sir. You did great. Your 13 years is very evident.

You have great stage presence. Everything's amazing. Here you go. Also, you look like handsome. Squidward. Yeah. Lance wanted me to say that. One light of the night right there.

Tim Butlerie, everybody. Thank you so much, Tony. Thank you guys. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Michael Moses. All right. We've come to the point of the show where one of our regulars

is right behind that curtain and ready. He is the Dark Storm of Atlanta. I believe this guy is the absolute future and the present of the Kill Tony universe. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here he is. What's up?

Oh, man, I was raised in the ghetto, and I hate the ghetto. The ghetto stole Christmas from me, like, physically and mentally at the same time. About a week before Christmas, they came and took everything, like, even our decorations. And then my whole family was downstairs, and they were. But then I looked at my cousin Daly, and because we were both like six years old, and we had like a child like innocence, we both realized it doesn't matter.

Santa's still coming. And so we started getting kind of happy and kind of dancing, and my grandma was like, why the fuck are you dancing over there? And I was like, Grandma, Santa's coming. Don't worry, we all can rejoice. And she said, niggas, Santa ain't real.

And that kind of took the Christmas love out of my heart. But it was placed back there shortly after because my uncle, my uncle Chris, because you can't smell Christmas without Chris, he came in and he was like, he looked at my dad and he was like, yo, why you ain't got no decorations and presents for the kids? And we told him what happened. He said, that won't do. And then he came back into the house a couple hours later, like a fully decorated tree and presents from somebody else's house.

So we just started open them and see, you know what I'm saying? I got a Green Ranger and a Bobby Playhouse. We regritified the neighborhood that day. That's my time. Yeah. Hilarious. Dead trip.

Flynn. That is amazing. Grandmas are the ones that do that. My grandma's the one that told me, isn't real. I remember it very clearly. How did you remember where you were when you... Just kids in school.

Red band's just finding out. For a man that eats milk and cookies every night, that's very surprising. Ho, ho, ho. Very jolly. There he is. D. Madness, ladies and gentlemen. You say Santa Claus three times. He pops

up out of nowhere for some reason. I love it. Wow, that story sounds so authentic. That's real, huh? Yeah, that's a verbal photograph that I gave you right there. Like, that's exactly what happened. I mean, the ghetto of Atlanta,

it just seems like an absolute treasure trove of material. Yeah. You sold it to Casey Rocky. All right, that's what happens if you have a white boy that grew up around the same environment as me. You didn't get a nigga that pull a harmonica out

for no reason at all. That's why I got this little slingshot right here. I don't know anything. Oh, shit. They don't got no metal detectors in here. I'm just waiting, don't pop off. But don't worry, I got my concealed carry permit that I made. I laminated this.

The cops won't know the difference. You laminated it? Yeah, yeah, laminated it. It's a Dedrick, slinky, shoddy permit, state of Texas. And it's got a picture of me so they know that is mine. Oh, yeah. It's a little bit light, light skin, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, they didn't have any brown markers near me when I got the idea. Yeah. What do you put in the slingshot? Anything to hurt people. I just... Sometimes I went to bought some marbles, but they didn't let me in with the marbles.

They took the marbles at the door, so shout out to the mothership staff for a good sir. They are very good at that. They said, not so fast, Dennis, the Menace Society. I want to see if it works. Let's see how far you could shoot a little joke book out into the crowd. Oh my God. That thing's got some distance. What about if I didn't like you, you know what I'm saying?

That went to the lobby. You just took out a thick white lady. Yeah. You're very strategic shot. I know when I'm aiming, you know. The form was crazy, too. I would have pinched it. You just put one finger and let go.

That's crazy. Yeah, I used to shoot hornets at people in middle school. I was in ISS a lot. I was a bad kid. There was a lot of, because I knew Santa Claus weren't real, so I gave up on being good. Look how intense the cop by the exit door is right now. He's got his hand on his pistol.

I love it. Were you really a bad kid growing up? It didn't. I was just so smart that I would get doing my work early. And then you can't just, I can't just sit down. You know what I mean? I got to pass notes. You know, I got to play my game boy.

I got to be a distraction. And I was really good at popcorn reading. Some niggas love me. Popcorn reading. What is that? That's when you see who's stupid in your class. Everybody take a turn. You have to like read a passage,

and then you say popcorn like Tony. like Tony, and then you start reading and they like, Johnny walked across the Island and they like, nigga, that's island. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. Hilarious. It really is.

It's unbelievable. I love it, Dedrick. What are you doing for Christmas? How are you celebrating this year? I just bought my nephew this baller-ass, a drivable grave diggers thing. It was like $500, but Uncle Daddy got it. You know what I'm saying?

And then we doing a Christmas show at the Earls that week, a bunch of the home. It's already sold out in Atlanta. We got like a Christmas band that's gonna play. I'm gonna do some pop punk Christmas songs on there so it's gonna be fun as shit. Okay, all right. You're doing Christmas songs.

I love it. Clap for me. Yeah. I'm doing big things. Dedrick, you're the fucking man. Hey, I love y'all. Thank y'all so much. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes. One of the greats. And it goes on and on. We found Dedrick out of the bucket just five or six weeks ago or so. Anything can happen here. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Lorenzo.

I don't know if you guys can tell I'm nervous. But I got to let some off my chest. for real. I don't donate the thrift stores, I'm gonna be honest. It's not that I don't want to, it's like I can't, I'm poor. Mm-hmm. I'm growing up, you know, I grew up in a small town. You think I want to see my neighbor two freaking streets down rocking my hammy down's better than me? Fuck that. Yeah, growing up poor. I was also raised by my grandma. I'm based in Courage of Cally Dominican.

No, no Courage Cowlety Dog fans in here. Fuck you. But growing up with my grandma, she would always have me were using grocery store bags as like tiny trash can bags. You never do that, guys? Yeah, right? Not bad. But, um, damn.

All right, we'll leave it there, y'all. Yes, you will. Tyree. We were waiting. We've waited for a bomb like you all night, Lorenzo. Even the people that have done bad before were doing good here tonight and then you came out, our first female comedian of the night. Look at you. My goodness gracious. Look at you. Goochied up. Okay. Oh, all right. Very good. You really got me there, Lorenzo. Amazing. So let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for two years now. Where at?

All around Austin. I started here. You started here at the mothership. In Austin. I've been on before. You don't remember me. No, you have been on before? Yes, sir.

Wow. What did we find out in the interview last time you were on? My dad's fucking... Please tell me that your dad got murdered. Wow. This is incredible. It's been three in a row. No, he actually died this year.

I'm not going to lie, yeah. Really? How did he die? Pneumonia. Pneumonia? Wow. Jesus. Got him.

Wow. What crime was he committing when the pneumonia got to him? He's got a running theme here for a few comedians in a row. It's incredible. What was he robbing at the time? Fucking my childhood, shit.

Amazing. Amazing. So the pneumonia got him. That was recent? Yeah, a couple months ago. Were you close with him? No, no. No, he lived in Dominica and I'm from Alaska.

I went there to see him. He was a piece of shit. How do you end up in Alaska if he's Dominican? So he ran from his crimes to Alaska. What were his crimes? By the way, people make, I mean like, holy shit. This is, you know, people are like, wow, kill Tony, you know, maybe they're making a lot of stereotype jokes.

It's like we're not. We are not. We are just facing the truth and reality. My father wasn't there for me. robbing places, trying killing people, committing crimes. Holy fucking shit, man. Like, I'm trying to give everybody an opportunity here. And holy shit, this is like if Asian people were coming out,

like, sorry, I'm late, I do a car accident. Like, this is crazy what's happening here. This is an eclipse. It's like a dark eclipse of darkness. This is incredible. A bunch of dead criminal fathers. Okay. So what kind of crimes was he committing?

And this was in Alaska? No, he escaped to Alaska, that's where he got caught. But a lot of scamming, he was a scammer. He was a scammer. Mm-hmm. Okay. And what kind of scams was he doing? Do you know exactly?

Shit. I think calls, like he would set up... I don't know too much about him. I... Yeah. All good. Yeah. All good.

Okay. So he got caught in Alaska committing crimes and fled to the Dominican Republic? Deported. Deported. Deported. Wow. What year was this? Free shit?

Who was president at the time? It was like 2001. 2001? Oh, okay. Wow. He must have really committed crimes for Biden to deport him. It's amazing. Normally, he would just keep those people here and tell them to get out and vote. Anyway, Lorenzo Tyree. So what's mom up to?

Mom, just like last time she's still on drugs. Still on drugs. What kind of drugs is mom on? Be real with the Neil kind. Wow. Damn. So you're out there on your own. You're just doing it. How old are you, Lorenza? She got a man, though? Huh? No, I'm sorry.

Lance wanted me to ask that. All right, all right, all right, all right. I was a little curious. Wow. So how old are you, Lorenzo? I'm 23. 23 years old. 23. What?

Huh? 23. Yes, sir. Yep. Okay, so you have any special skills or hobbies that you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy? I've been cut homeless people's hair. Really? Yeah, I actually retired.

Are you getting their permission first? Yeah. The black and mild. and free haircut. They love it. They love it. Amazing. Did they really love it,

or are you giving them the same haircut that you have? Well, I buzzed a couple because I couldn't work with it. They had nothing up here. Just straight sunburned. So, yeah, I just... How many homeless people

do you think you've given haircuts to? It's so interesting. Eight on camera. Oh, you're making money off of it. Oh, you're absolutely doing it for your own personal gain. Wow. Incredible.

Your parents would be so disappointed if they knew this was happening. Okay, dokey. Nobody laughed at that. I guess I'm the asshole on that one. All right. 23, been on comedy for two years. What else about you? How do you make money?

Work out a little smoke shop. Okay. That's another theme. Yeah. There's a running theme here. You were going to rob there? Not yet. Okay.

Not yet. What'd you say it's a what shop? Hemp. Hemp. Okay. How long have you been working there? Um, about a year and a half. Okay.

All right. Yeah, I like it. What's your love life like? So I wasn't booed up when I last gone here, but I have a girlfriend now. Okay. Where'd you meet her at? Uh, Hinge. Yeah, Hinge.

Right after I got off, I was like, Kill Tony might be regular. Oh, you posted all the photos of me. No, he tried to scam her. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm sorry. Was I hallucinating or did you come out and do like a titty dance? Oh, wow. No, that's real.

That happened? That's crazy. I've never seen puberty stop at the neck before. That's nuts. Your head is completely untouched by testosterone. It's true. I use monoxide, try to get a beard, and that shit didn't not work. Oh, man.

It takes time sometimes. Lorenzo. I saw that. Let's talk about it. When you met this girl on Hinge, where's the first place you went on a date? We went to Red Farm, Asian cuisine. Asian cuisine. How did that go?

Pretty good. Anything weird happened? Um, no. Okay. No. And then you took her back where, to your place, her place? Um, shit. Alaska.

We went on a long-ass walk in the dark. I was like, are you sure you want to do? Like, this is kind of weird. And she's like, yeah, I do this all the time by myself. I'm like, what? I've heard of the Ray Street Ripper. And she's like, yeah. But I don't.

I think you're the one that should be worried about the rainy street ripper, buddy. I don't know if you've seen his. fly and tell, but it's you. It's us. It's us. It is. It is us. I know. But I put that one on you. I've already had about five gay jokes on me this episode. Okay. So Lorenzo, how long have you been with her now?

It's been five months, six months. Okay. What's the highlight of it all? What's your favorite thing about having a girlfriend? She's really funny, honestly. She's really funny. I'm not going to lie. Nice. Well, next time you should have her sign up.

Oh, my God. No, Lorenzo, you're doing fine, buddy. You're just beginning. You're so young. Thank you. You've got the... You love doing it, right? I do.

You got a small joke book last time? I did. Guess what? Tonight you're getting a medium-sized joke book. Oh, my goodness. We're working up. We're working up. Let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Lorenzo Tyree. Thank you. No. All right. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? All right. We're going to keep it moving along here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Buffy, everyone, Buffy. One more time for Buffy, everybody. Starting now. A little girl once asked me if I was from Whoville. Um, what? Okay. Um, what? Okay. Um, what is happening? Are y'all having bowel movements? Cool. The last guy I dated, I called Daddy because he too forgot my birthday,

ghosted me and said I was too loud in bed. But I'm finally dating somebody. that's not after just one thing. He's after two. Well, three, if we count my mouth. Okay, Buffy, we're going to stop you there. Wow. You got two and a half jokes out there in 60 seconds.

Took a little while. You let the crowd kind of be a symphony with you, if you will. Yeah. Welcome, Buffy. Have you done stand-up before? I have. Okay. How long have you been doing it?

I've been on here before. You have? 743. 743. Absolutely. What are we on now? Yeah. Okay.

Perfect. Thank you, Red Band. What a great partner. Okay. It's like two months ago. Did it go better last time? Are you under the influence of something right now? No.

Nothing at all. No medicine. No alcohol. Nothing at all. What is that? What's that noise? What is the answer? You can tell the truth. It's okay. We all know it. We are positive. Shakespeare's.

Okay. What did you have at Shakespeare's? Just a pitcher. Just one pitcher? It's a vodka soda pitcher, right? Okay, okay, okay, okay. I had the Bucket of Zanx special. Shakespeare's Holy shit

You're not driving tonight, are you? No. Okay, all right, good. How do you travel? How do you get around? I typically drive. You typically drive, but you didn't drive tonight. No.

Are you sure? You're leaving your car downtown, aren't you? Thank you. No, don't thank me. Just out of curiosity. Can we get the breathalyzer? Do we have the breathalyzer? Let's try this.

Grab a Narcan just in case while you're at it. You got to get dust off the old breathalyzer here. We got to, yeah, here she comes. The lovely Heidi with a breathalyzer. It's taken a few practice runs, but I think Heidi has actually trained on this now. Yes. So here we are. Ladies and gentlemen. And do we have the police officer? Can he pop up real quick? Can we get our buddy up here? Is she blowing? She blew for a minute, 15 seconds during her set.

It should be pretty easy. Here's our resident police officer. Make some noise for Barbosa. Yeah, what's the reading there? It says flow. FLO, what does that mean, Barbosa? Flo? And flow. And flow. We know what that means?

Why don't we try it again? Heidi has the technical abilities of an absolute blow-up doll, ladies and gentlemen. It's incredible. Here she is. She's blowing everyone. The breathalyzer can't get herpes twice, I heard. There you go. is something happening, Heidi.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a real breathalyzer. And the answer is, it's on a loading screen, and what the fuck? Oh, point one. So hold on.

All right, all right, all right. Let Barbosa. Tim, give Barbosa that microphone real quick. I don't know. I don't know what that means. Well, he's about to tell you, what would, what would, what would point one five, what would that win her if you pulled her over? What would point one five, she get a little joke book, big joke book?

Definitely a big joke book and a trip to jail. Ah, I love it. We gotta make sure, keep an eye on her tonight, don't let her hit the streets. Deep Madness too, don't let him drive tonight either. Yeah, that's pretty high, right? That is high. I believe that's twice over the least. legal limit. Yeah. You performed

like you were three times over the legal limit, so that's the good news. No, this changes everything. She started to find a rhythm by the end, and I think it makes it actually pretty impressive. It is amazing. You may have found your voice. How about a hand for Officer Barbosa, ladies and gentlemen? Always amazing. The Austin Police Department.

That's a real police officer. That's how present they are. In L.A., you could call them, and it'll take an hour and a half for them to show up. Here, it's like, hey, can you come up here real quick? Texas Justice over here. Have you gotten a DUI before? Uh-huh.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Only one? Only one. Very good. What did you blow on that one? The cop. Yeah, how much?

Huh? Do you remember what you blew? It was in 2013. Oh, that's a whole different time. Back then, a 0.15 was worth. Right. Buffy, what do you do for work? How do you survive?

So... What is so funny? I didn't even answer. You're drunk. You signed up for this show. I know. I'm so excited. Hell yeah.

No, I'm a stunt driver. I told you that. Oh, I remember you now. I'm that person, yeah. Okay. Have you been working lately? No. No, I'm in Austin.

Okay. So how do you make money when you're in Austin? Well, I saved up some money to be here. Okay. All right. All driving is stunt driving after you've had a few. She's drifting in other lanes and shit like that. Amazing.

And Buffy, what's your love life like? You're here in Austin, Texas, a bunch of rock stars all around you, musicians all over. It's changed. since I've been on the show. Oh. I've been offered a lot of ski trips. Mm. Is that a code for something?

Yeah. Guys want to do cocaine with you on 6th Street. No. Let's take a ski trip to Shakespeare's. Half-priced pitchers. Is that true? I think jacking off two guys? Yeah.

No, when I was on here, I mentioned about not wanting to date. older men because they were riding off activities like skiing and so men and my DMs were offering me ski trips. Wow.

Amazing. I'm like they have money so I should take them up on it. Did you take anybody up on it? One guy offered me like golf lessons and so we're going to have like a golf lesson well Tony and Lance were looking for a third

for tomorrow. Wow. I don't know if you feel like driving the golf cart. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's called a threesome, not a third. Forced threesome, fours.

Lance, you old dog. Buffy, what else do you... You told me to say that. Buffy, what else do you do for fun? What else makes Buffy Buffy other than the stunt driving and the attempting comedy? What else? Oh, no.

Attempting comedy. Oh, okay. Did you just piss a little? Yeah. What the hell was that? I've never seen anyone get drunk or without drinking on stage. This is incredible. It's like the delayed release alcohol.

Wait, what? Other than the comedy and the stunt driving, what else do you do? And makes me leak a little? What? God. Bitch, you're retarded. There she goes, everybody.

Buffy. You already have a little joke book, right? No, I have a big joke book. Well, you fucking fucked it up tonight. There you go. There she goes, Buffy, everybody. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes you've done it.

Can I grab car keys real quick? Sometimes you've done good. You get a big joke book. And then the next time you get a little overconfident. You fucking have a pitcher of vodka next door. And then there she goes, everybody. Buffy, everyone. Buffy, the vodka pitcher slayer.

Well, I have a very, very special treat for all of you, ladies and gentlemen. a very, very, very, one of the greatest comedians in the world is here to bless us for a moment of stand-up comedy. Not only is he one of me and Lance's favorite golf friends, he's also one of the coolest guys in the world, and like I said, one of the greatest comedians on the world. The guy that got this whole Austin party started.

Make some fucking noise for the one and only, Ron White. What a band! What a band! World Capacity Inmission. So I just got off a plane and I came. I actually heard Lance was going to be on, and I thought I got to come out here. and i just came from los angeles and my favorite thing about los angeles tony is that the people out there

and you know i've always been kind of pro california which is not always the popular thing you know and but the people out there just so goddamn pretty and i and i'll tell you how it happened back in the 1920s they started making movies out there and all these beautiful people from all over them all over america flock to fuck out there to be in the movies and they couldn't all be in the the movies some got regular job but they met those people that were in the movies they got together they had these beautiful babies and those babies grew up and met other babies from the same area they got together and had even more beautiful babies and almost the exact opposite thing is happening right now in kansas

there. It's true. Those people that live on the West Coast, their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail and fought hardships. You and I can't even dream of with starvation and weather crossing the Rocky Mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers gone on the Oregon Trail in St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas and said, fuck it. I'm staying here. And I'm going to fuck that fat girl right over there. We had a baby. It looks like a potato. And that potato grew up and met another potato from the same town

and... That's a downward spiral. Topeka. That's exactly how that fucking happened. I generally just popped in to say hi. That is amazing. You guys get to see exactly how the fuck it's done. That's the difference between a bucket pool

and a regular and one of the greatest of all time, Ron White. You are the fucking man. All right, man. Good to see you guys, man. Just want to say him. We'll see in a little bit. We'll party after this. Come on, guys.

One more time for Ron fucking White. Holy shit. What a show we have tonight. Unbelievable. Hey, what do we have over here? What do you? Oh, this guy. You want to come to say hi?

Let's pop out real quick? Look at this. It's like the Royal Rumble tonight, ladies and gentlemen, absolutely anything can happen. Popping in also to say hello, another one of the greatest comedians of all time, absolute comedy royalty, the son of Missy Shore, movie star, comedian.

This is Holly Shore. Thank you. Let's up, how's it going, dudes? Thank you. What's up? So I did acid recently. Anyone else do acid? The thing is, if you do acid,

don't do it at the fucking sphere in Las Vegas. That's fucking gay. I did it in the back of one of those Waymos. Holy shit. The Waymos are the fucking cars with no one fucking driving. I started freaking out. I started fucking driving the car.

And after that, I get me. myself, two stars, two stars. At least I'm not sober, like gay-ass fucking Charlie Sheen, bro. What a fucking sellout. This guy is. Right? Anyone here sober? That's not fucking cool, dude. I have friends that are sober. I got this one friend that's

sober. He doesn't do shit. I'm like, you can't have a glass of red wine with your fucking dinner, bro. He's like, if I do that, don't want to snore Napal. I'm like, how the fuck do you go from wine? to a fucking apaw. He goes, I don't know. You fucking tell me, dude. And I have another friend of mine who smokes pot every day.

You guys got these friends? Yeah. He's throwing a marijuana. He puts in his food. Went to his house yesterday. He had some chicken pot pot pie. Polly. Mother fucking Shore.

There you go. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Thank you for having me on your... Make some fucking noise for Pauley Short. This is a goddamn party. Thank you for having me on your program. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Now make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis. No, I'm kidding. That's not right. I don't ever do that. I lied. I lied. I lied.

That was very naughty of me. Oh, this drunk guy's furious. Oh, yes. Yes. Ah, I love it. I love it. I love it. And yet you pay for this.

Oh, I love it. All right. Some poor innocent soul out of the bucket has to follow. Ron White and Polly Shore. Shore, back to back, make some noise for Liv Taylor, everybody. realize that I do look like I would never turn down a foot long, okay. I do hate Subway, though. I think it's overrated.

Any Subway fans in here? Okay, a couple. I think it's overrated, but also, like, I just think their subs suck. I think, like, I hate Subway because they managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogel, the subway guy, we all remember him, right? Managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogel, the subway guy, lost over 250 pounds by only eating Subway and not fucking kids. Guys, we all know the saying, weight loss is what?

diet and exercise, okay? I've never fucked a kid, but I imagine it would take a lot of work, okay? That's all I'm saying. I don't know. Okay, Lib Taylor. It's a tough spot you were in, Lyft. It was back.

You said Shane, and I'm like, where the fuck is he, dude? Like, stop. I know. I know. You had to sweat it out back there, literally and metaphorically. Yeah. Liv, welcome back to the show.

You've been on before. Yes. And what do we find out? about you, Liv. Remind us what we know about. A lot of sad shit. It's okay, though. I'm a... Dad alive? I'm an orphan.

Mom. Mom, dad is alive. Mom's dead. Wow. How did mom die? She get hit by a car. Oh, wow. Okay.

I was waiting for it. It's always some siren or horn or some sort. Liv, has anything changed since the last time you were on this show? What's going on with you? What's up in white? I'm, you know, just working, surviving. What do you do for work? Do you do for work?

I'm a vet tack. Okay. I work in... How are the animals? Good? Yeah, they're... I mean, take it day by day. Any weird animals come in lately?

I had a really, really sad case today. It's called a septic abdomen, which is basically like an intestine, something perf, so all the grossness gets inside, and you've got to go and surgery and figure it out. I do the anesthesia part, so I keep the animal asleep. Dog or cat? It was a dog. Oh. Did it survive this surgery?

It did survive the surgery. I'm very proud. Wow. It did survive. Is there a butt coming there? There was a butt. They did decide. They elected to euthanize at the after.

Wait a second. It fucking sucked. Y'all, I cried. It sucked. It's one of those situations where it was just a lot of money and it was a, another situation with the dog. It was very, very young. And it was like a lifelong thing that they would have had to deal with.

What was the lifelong thing? It had what's called like a liver shunt. So basically it only had a, it didn't metabolize. things very well, so it only had like a certain lifespan, so it was like, it would have probably lived to maybe four years old. Could they have fed it till it exploded? If it obstructed, for sure.

For sure, yeah. Is it true veterinarians have, like, a higher suicide rate than any other profession? It is the number one. Number one profession for suicide rate, 100%. Explain to us why that is. Because they're all wearing fucking chokers. There's a lot of us that wear these in that profession.

Um, I mean, you just, you just got to think about it. Like, human medicine and veterinary medicine don't work the same. So, like, insurance has worked the same. It's very costly, you know, when you have things happen with your animals, like emergencies and stuff. So, like, people just can't afford it. Oh, yeah. I'm upside down on a cat right now.

People... $2,500 on a cat I don't like. What's happening with your cat? He ate half of a Nerf dart, and it got stuck in his bowel. Obstruction. Obstruction. I'm telling you. And a fucking dumb, chubby bitch charges $3,000 to get it out. She's right next to you.

I saved your fucking cat, okay? Be thankful. That's years of schooling. You're welcome. Wow. Amazing, Liv. What else is going on in life? You have a boyfriend?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, kind of sort of. Well, I mean, I do. I'm also a widow, so I've just started getting... Your guy died in a car accident. Correct. Wow. Everything with cars.

There's lots of cars. Yeah. Yeah, it's wild. You're a widow. Believe it or not, I'm a woman, but I'm an excellent driver. You can ask anybody. I don't care what anybody is. I'm actually a really good driver.

Anyways. That's why I'm still alive, okay? Anyways. It's amazing. You're a good driver and you do euthanasia. If you rewind it, it's a great joke. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, so I'm still like, I started seeing somebody when I first got here and we were like seeing each other for a while and I kind of just got into like this like panic mode, I think, where I didn't exactly know what I wanted and I kind of just wanted to be by myself. But I think it's more so just like I want to figure out who I am as a person outside of being with somebody else. I know. I know. It's so sad. I'm back with this person. I'm back with this person. We'll make it exciting. I fuck Tony. I fuck. Okay, what do you mean when you say that? What exactly do you mean? I fuck. Yeah, but like when you say that so aggressively, what exactly do you mean by that?

All the dogs. Yeah. I mean, you know, like, I guess a very straightforward said, like, you know, lady in the streets, freak in the sheets kind of thing. Now, is dog squirt also pissed? That's a good question.

I'm sorry, Lance wanted me to... No. No. This shit has to stop. Yeah, I agree, Lance. It's not going great. No, but I did see... What did you see?

I did see a dog clitoris for the first time a couple weeks ago. Let's go. Tell us about it. They're evolving. This is good news for Red Band. I mean, basically the dog came in because the owner saw, like, a mass on the vulva,

which for men, that's the outside of the vagina, just so you know, that's what it's called. There you go. How much pressure do you got to put on them? Are you supposed to be inspecting your pets' vulva, and I didn't know that? I mean, it's kind of there for you to see. You know, you can see if a dog's up.

male or female just by looking at it. For sure, but, you know. I mean, they were looking, they're looking pretty close, but... It was just, like, right there. It was, like, they said it was, like, a fleshy mass, and then just looking at it, the... That's how most guys would describe a clitoris in this room. Like, what is that?

I don't even know what that is. What's that fleshy mass on the outside there? She's, like, I don't know. I think, I think it's her clitoris. Sure enough, it was her clitoris? Was it a big clit? It wasn't. It was just, it was just, it's not, it's not, that's not.

not normally where it's like what kind of dog was it what kind of what was the breed? It was like a doodle thing it was a doodle thing with a yeah and it had to mix everything with poodles they call them doodles like do you know it's Instagram red band

oh my god I'd love to have her on the secret dog show Thursday Thursday How much would it cost To get my dog's vulva bigger And like some nine breast implants It's a whole different specialty, dog

That's a whole different specialty Red Band asked him to ask that question Wow So wow The job's a lot of fun It can be The job is fun Yeah

Wow And they have clits Yeah, it's crazy. Your dog has a clit. If you have a female dog, it has a clit. Amazing. Do dogs squirt? Is that a thing during sex?

Is that possible? Just out of curiosity. Expressing glands? No. Expressing glans. Expressing anal glands. That's different. That's different, red band.

I have seen a male dog. Like, you know how you'll see funny videos of dogs just, like, humping the air? I've actually seen a dog, like, finish. Wow. It was, it's, ew, it's fucking, it was weird, but, I mean... Did it pull out? Like, how did it... No, it was just in the air. Whoa, she does fuck!

Hold on, don't leave me hang a dog. Don't leave me hang a dog. Hell yeah. Amazing. Liv, what size joke book did you get last time you were out? I got a big one. Okay, well, there you go. Keep filling it up.

There goes Lib Taylor, ladies and gentlemen. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Ian Sharp, everybody. Ian Sharp, here we go. We're going to put our little ribbon on it after this. Wow, thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for welcoming me on this stage into this free speech zone

where I could say whatever I want with no repercussions whatsoever. Not like out in old free speech zone. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Can you believe there's things I can't say today in America? For example, Arnold Pond, fuck, Arnold Pompk, you know that drink, it's like half sweet tea, half lemonade? Arnold Pond, fuck, I can't say it.

Wish they change it, you know, to something I can say. Like, I don't know, like retard water, you know? I can say that any time I want. It just rolls right off the tongue, you know? Some people get mad at that joke, right? They say it's like, it's punching down. But if you pay attention, it's not about anybody, right? Like, I'm not calling anybody that.

I'm not anti-retard. I'm pro-choice. Shit, was that a minute? Was that not a minute? Jesus. Ian. There we go. Hi, Ian.

Thank you. Is this your first time on the show? So I counted as my first. My first time was on like a turbo round. So I just went up and did my minute and then you guys got me out of here. Okay. Was that a Vulcan?

No, it was here. It was here. It was like the record setting most guests ever on the show. Okay. Well, you're a part of history. Welcome back, Ian. This went better, right?

Absolutely, yes. I love it. How long have you been? in stand-up. Oh, God, like 14 years. 14 years. Wow. Where at? Chattanooga, Tennessee. Wow. What keeps you in Chattanooga?

Well, nothing. I moved here. Oh, the pussy. Dogs have clits now. Ian, what do you do for work? I do IT tech support. Okay. That's going to work. Senior IT correspondent, Tim Butterly. Look, Help Desk is where he started out.

You don't make any money. Everyone thinks you're a fucking creep and they treat you like dog shit. So it's like, this is a bro. I feel so seen right now. Hell, yeah. Also, real quick, I really liked your stuff. I thought that was a really great bit

and I was really impressed. I thank you so much. I don't think they gave it up enough. I really love that. Oh, shucks. You are adorable, Ian. You really are. What's the rest of your life like?

What do you do when you're not doing stand-up or doing IT? A lot of D&D. I paint miniatures. Never mind. Dungeons. Everything you would expect just by looking at me. Dragons. What else?

Other than D&D. There must be other things. You magic the gather. Do any Warhammer? Sort of kind of. I mean, I play other games like Warhammer. But I mean, you guys don't want to hear about that. I don't want to go into all that.

But, you know, I mean, I... Bro, you're playing Knock Off Warhammer. That's deep shit, man. Do you have a girlfriend? Oh, what do you think? Have you ever hump the air and came? Tony, it's like there before the grace of God, go I, man. God bless you, brother.

You watch pornian? What do you think? It's a great interview. You're killing it. That could be every answer to every question. What would we find? If we looked at your porn search history, what would we find?

Ask me what I think. So you want a real answer? Yeah, I want real answers here. I'm going, step, pet. No. Yeah, liver shunt, septic gut. Oh, oh, that's over the line. All right, what would be your honest search history?

Give us something good here and honest. I like the older ladies. Ooh, wow. Have you ever kissed an older lady in Austin, Texas? in Austin, Texas? Have you? Not in Austin. Really? Is there an older lady out there

that wants to come up and get this guy a kiss? That's a man, for sure. We have the best fans in the world. Is there a woman over, we'll say, 40 or 50 out there? Anybody? Still, that guy really wants to get on stage. Really? There's not a...

I guess there's not even really an older woman. This lady doesn't want it. You can't suggest people, sir. No, they have to want to do it. Come on, there's got to be someone out there. What about this lady sitting with the male mermaid? Man, I'm looking at you, yeah. Where?

That's your husband? Holy shit. I mean, where's the lady that blew a 0.18? You guys got to get a . What the fuck did I sign up? She's going to be right now. There's nobody. We don't have a, we don't have a hero out there.

There's no older ladies. People are still pointing. That's a man, every man. there's some guys that are so drunk that they are still pointing at the same guy nobody alright well someone run outside real quick

and find one this is like my life begging people to kiss me no no no dude no no way fuck it I don't know what about like a regular age lady or something

yeah we do like a glory hole kiss maybe yeah I'll be on the other side waiting for you So, Ian, have you gotten no sexual partners whatsoever? You're not interested? What? I mean, I wouldn't say that. I've done pretty well.

I love it. What? How dare you, Tony? I do all right. I do okay enough to not be sad about it. That's cool, man. Yeah, you seem happy. I like you, Ian.

I like you. Thank you, guys. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? I mean, I don't know, I used to kind of be in a marginally successful metal band when I was younger. Oh, wow. What was the name of the metal band? Ooh, this is where it gets rough. We were called With Faith or Flames.

We were a Christian metal band. Wow. What did you play in the band? I was the vocalist. Really? That guy. Can you give us an example? Can you give us a...

It's been a while, but I'll try. Are the songs copywritten on YouTube? So, I don't think so. I mean, I think all the rights have gone back to us at this point. It's been that long. Yeah, it'll probably set it off. Yeah. Can you do it slightly out of tune?

You want me, like, you just want me to holler? Do you have an original? Yeah, just holler. Wow. Wow. That's amazing. Ian, here's a big joke book. We love you, Ann.

Hell yeah. Ian Sharp, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Jesus is for greater. He died for our sins. All right. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and what an episode it's been.

We have the great Lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, Tim Butterly. We've seen so much. Aya, Sir Winston Pickles, Dedrick, Ron White, Polly Shore. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, a living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, the greatest Kiltone regular of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Memphis Strangler,

the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Who is the... the luckiest man in America. Amy Schumer's husband, she's divorcing him. I was driving through Oklahoma this weekend and noticed signs that said, do not pick up hitchhikers. They may be escaped prisoners.

Uh, what? So there are just so many escaped prisoners in Oklahoma that motorists need to be warned. Here's an idea. Use less steel on the escape prisoner warning signs and more on the jail cell bars. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is when he really sold out. His first EP, though? Shit!

I wrote a summary of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, and I think I'm just gonna call them Cliff Notes. Okay, that's my time. Wow, he's done it again. Exactly one minute from the man that's done it more than anybody. ever. William Lights out. McGumbulls Montgomery. Wow. What a performance. So nice to see. I'm feeling much better this week. I've been on the row machine and also Lance. I really, I grew up watching bicycling with my father. And there's a funny story. My mother was in town maybe a year and a half ago

and we see you up in the thing. And my mom was like, yeah, William and his dad used to bike a lot. William's dad was pretty fast, not as fast as you. And without missing a beat, you say, yeah, no shit. It was hilarious. It really was. I didn't say that. No kidding. It really is in honor, though, Lance.

I remember that. Your mom was sweet. I followed you on Instagram. I was like, this is cool. Yeah. And I didn't say it. I thought it, but I didn't say it. Fair enough.

That's right. That's right. William was a big-time bicyclist back in his day. Still, you're about to say bisexual. Well, still has the calf muscles. Your legs are absolutely ripped. You still got it.

It's amazing that your legs don't match your head at all. I know. I just continue to lose all my hair and I look sicker and sicker. I'm starting to look like Red Band a little bit in the face a little bit. Lance, don't you think you're still a very fit guy? Don't you think Red Band needs to do some sort of exercise?

I think his fucking fat ass needs to do some sort of exercise. Maybe for his New Year's resolution. He can start losing a little weight or something. Don't you think even biking can help? I think something like that can help. Because Red Bean, Lance, listen to this. Red Bean gets a fucking... He finally gets a bike a couple years ago,

but it's the kind of bike with a motor on. And it is true. You can't even make it up. And to this day, the pedals are just spotless. That thing. Straight motor. Got no pedals. Didn't you have a poster of Lance on your wall growing up?

Yes, I had many pictures of bicyclist on my wall and you were up on. Okay, Red Band. Red Band. I think Red Band had a bunch of Miss Piggy posters. Yeah. On the ceiling like a fucking weirdo. Let's check in with Tim Butterly here. Red Band Deer, tires still have those little tiny rubber spikes going on.

No, he uses the motor. He uses the hell out of the motor. He's had to change the oil. It's no oil. No, I know. It's electric. They're electric. And it's two motors to get my fat ass up the hill.

But seriously, do you ever ride that thing? No, I do all the time. Really? In Flugerville? Yeah. I mean, I don't ride it much downtown because you can't really park it anywhere. Oh, that's why you don't ride your bicycle. Yes.

The parking is the problem. It's like a $5,000 bike. Oh, yeah. Lance, maybe you can inspire Red Band by letting him ride on your pegs for a little while. Hold on, Lance doesn't use pegs, dumbass! What the fuck? What got a succulous?

Dude, what kind of succulent do you think Lance is, dude? Seriously. He's not a BMX rider, dumbass. He's not using peg. Seriously. William is... I got your back, Lance. I mean, can you believe?

Yeah. Appreciate it. William is on fire tonight. By the way, all the poster talk, all this shit, you didn't follow me back. Oh. Fact. Fact. Let me do it tonight right after the...

Too late. Block him, Lance. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Block his ass. He's a fake band. I had your mom up there, everything.

I was nice. Nothing. Wow. Why is that? William, why didn't you follow him back? I don't know. I'm weird about it on there. I try to, there's no excuse at all.

Oh, my gosh, Lance. Let me ask you this. Why don't you name my friend Lance's three biggest wins? I mean, my personal favorite, what was it, 99? Was your first tour to France win? Was it in 99? That was my favorite, honestly. Yeah, everyone knows Tord.

Against motherfucking Jan Ulrich! I remember that shit. Fucking Pontani! I follow you, Lance, and I sent you a picture of a woman's butt a couple months ago. Yeah. You might know Red Band's won the tour to Italy at the Olive Garden. He's set the record. Hey, I got a hack for you.

You want to hear it? Instead of tour of Italy because I don't like the chicken parmesan, you just get a regular lasagna and a kid's alfredo. And as a second side, you're allowed to choose apple. or spaghetti. You get the spaghetti and it makes a better tour of it. Wow, look at the momentum of the show completely come to a halt, everybody.

We were all laughing there for a while. Redmay, be careful. I swear to God, I picture your fucking ass finally having your deadly heart attack fucking your face hitting the children's spaghetti is the fucking... That's like so sad. William lights out

Montgomery. We love. of you. What an appearance to be here. Thank you. One more time for William, everybody, and we did it. Thanks, surprise fixing Shopify. Tim Butterly has the Algonauts, the 4th Tuesday of every month with Matt McCusker,

who's got his special humble offerings on Netflix right now. How loud can this place get? He had no reason to join us other than being a cool guy. Motherfucking Lance Armstrong. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. of Matt McCusker.

Look at that. That's amazing. How about one more time for the best damn band and land. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. Red band. Check out Sunset Strip.ATX.com. Secret show every third. We love you guys.

I don't know if it's sold out yet or not, but Kill Tony, the actual show. Kill Tony is going to Houston and Dallas in February and March. Actual tapings of the real show. So check that out if it's still available. And we love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

She's wide away in her She's wide awake in her whiskey hole The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. Thank you.