KILL TONY - #751 - SHANE GILLIS + JOE ROGAN

Episode Date: January 6, 2026

Joe Rogan, Shane Gillis, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery,Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED–12/22/2025 Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Get 25% off with code TONY when you visit ⁠https://420.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tolley. Hey, this is Randback Coming Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over! Tony!

It's got! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Oh my god, we've done it again, you are here. How you guys feeling tonight? This is Hill Tony, brought to you by Netflix, ladies and gentlemen, Where this upcoming Monday, January 12th, Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas, airs only streaming on Netflix. So we won't be on YouTube next week.

We are only on Netflix. How cool is that, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Carlos Sosa, Raulogalejo, Fernando Castillo. Matt Mueling on guitar tonight, playing a Matt Mueling signature guitar from John Page Guitars. That's John Dees on the Keys. And believe it or not, that is the real D-Madness, live in the flesh.

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Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that. And enjoy, via rail, love the way. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th.

Go to Tonyinchcliff.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the Great State of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tony Hinchcliff.com, get tickets now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what? You know, I love living here in Austin, Texas, and I just get to work with my friends every week. This is one of those episodes where truly two of my best friends in the world

are on tonight's panel. Austin's own, make some fucking noise, for Joe Rogan and Shane Gillen. God damn motherfucking right, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. We are here. Shane Gillis, doing the Lincoln Financial Field. A.k.a. Eagles, motherfucking football stadium, July 17th.

Yeah, yeah, go to that. And Joe Rogan of the J.R.E. The number one show around the world. These are the homies. Normally we get to hang out on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, some Thursdays. But tonight we are here on a fucking Monday, getting the week started right. How are we feeling, gentlemen? Let's fucking go. Yes, indeed.

Feel good. I feel excited. I feel excited. Legitimately. Very excited and excited to be here. You guys are two of the best guests in the show's history. So you already know that this bucket is filled with over 250 or so of hopeful's names. Sometimes it's a great upcoming comedian who we haven't discovered yet. Sometimes it's an insane person that just signed up this week.

You never know what can happen. I'm going to go, I'm going to let this guy whose eyes are extremely close together. closely together. I'm going to let you pick the first name tonight. You could wear a monocle and look through both eyes through a monocle. It's unbelievable. If I select one of these people out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds on interrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. They get feedback. from my dear friends here, and we have a hoot nanny.

The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show. We're going to get it started tonight with a golden ticket winner. While we go wrangle that innocent soul who's going to go up after him, this golden ticket winner is great at opening the show. Very neurotic, very, very wild boy. Make some noise.

60 seconds uninterrupted, a brand new set from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here we go. Someone DM'd me, and they said, fuck you, fuck the Jews. I don't support bombing hospitals. And I was like, yo, that's not me. I'm not doing that. I have no part in that.

If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people. That's, I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, didn't go great. All right, cool. I'm just a silly little guy, dude. That's just what I am. My girl told me that it gives her the ick

that I pee sitting down. So I got upset with her, okay? And I said, if you don't like me peeing sitting down, you should see me pooping standing up. Also, didn't go as great as I thought it would. Okay, very cool, awesome. Okay, got one more. Awesome.

Hey, you guys, hear this app, Rocket money? Okay. I got this app, and if you don't know what it is, it's an app that tells you the subscriptions that you have. And, well, I got the app, it turns out, I have two Rocket Money subscriptions. Thank you, guys.

Jack Shaw. Really. Criticizing himself throughout his set. Not leaving much work for us to do. I don't know why you had to bring up the DM that I sent you. That was supposed to be between me and you. Jack, I mean, you know how that win. You thought it was going to go better, huh?

I really did. Yeah. I was really like, wow, that's going to go great. And then I got out here and it wasn't. That's okay. Why do you think it was? What do you think exactly happened here tonight? Yeah, that's a great question.

and I think that maybe it was me. You are correct. That is the correct answer. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. How's life been going, Jack? It's been great. It's the last night of Hanukkah tonight, everybody.

Wow. That's a way to get the Texas crowd on your side. I actually brought some presents for all you guys. Kind of what I... You did? I brought some presents. Heidi, could you bring out my Hanukkah presents? Oh, my goodness.

Here we go. It's Hanukkah time with Jack Shaw, ladies'clock. It's Hanukkah time and ladies first. So, Tony. I actually got you something very special. I made you your very own Kill Tony Yamaka. Wow. Okay, great.

Put that on. Put that on. That's awesome. says I'm gay on it. There you go. This is where all your preparation for this week's set went into. I love it.

You should wear that. No, you should wear that. Shut the fuck off. No, I'm just... Like I said, tonight's episode is already brought to you by Netflix. I don't need to put it on.

And rocket money. When the deals up in two years, I might have to put this back on again. But for now, Oh, we good. All right. What else you got over there? Well, we got, and then we got, I got something special for Red Band.

Oh. I got you a lean cuisine, because you're fat. There you go. This is going so much better than your set. This is incredible. Could you pass this down to him? Wow, it's a huge. He actually ate it already.

Of course there's nothing in it. Fatty. But if you tear it up properly, If you tear it up properly, it actually turns into a lean cuisine yarmica. Okay, what else, Jack? Good idea, I should talk to you more. Okay, and then, and then for our favorite Latino members

of the band, I got you citizenship to the United States of America. Wow. Wow. For Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Michael Gonzalez, you are Americans. Wow, absolutely incredible. How many gifts do you have left over there?

Pretty much for everyone in the audience. Okay, and then John Dees, I got you something. I didn't really know what to get you, but Hans Kim told me to get you a bike lock so you could practice stealing. Wow. Look at that. That's for you.

Okay. We'll take care of that later. What else he got there, Jack? Okay, Matt Muelling. I heard that you're a big liberal. Oh, my God. Wow. The flag is crazy.

You're near it? You go, wow, that's just schizophrenic. Do you do it? That flag is totally schizophrenic. What is going on here? Apparently it's an inclusivity flag. There's so much happening in that flag. Yeah, I don't know what the circle is.

Wait, did we get a white stripe on there? Now, hold on a second. This flag might fucking be all right. I don't know if there's a white power of stripe on the flag? That's crazy. We're fighting the good fight. Don't throw that on the ground, dude. Oh, you can't do that.

That's going for you. Wear it around your shoulders like a prize fighter. This is for that to wear, so I'll give that to him. I'm going to wear it like a cape and fly away. That thing. It's a flag. You got to treat it like it's the arch. Iranian flag. I don't know what that means.

It means that it kill you if you leave it on the ground. Oh! Okay. You're going to fold it properly. Yeah. Oh. I'll give it. Oh, no.

Sorry, I'm panicking. I am fully panicking. You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. It's going to end up in a dumpster next to a kill Tony Yamika later, so it's all good. Dude, I spent $20 on that. Uh-oh. I really thought you'd like it, Tony.

No, it's great, it's great. I really do. I'm just making jokes, Jack. Unlike you during your set tonight. Oh. His new getter done is, that didn't go how I expected it to. Have you ever thought about doing props?

Yeah, right now. I think you should. I was talking to Caratop about this, because it's kind of crazy that he's the only guy only guy that does props now. Yeah. When I first started out, there was a lot of prop comics. It was a common thing.

But Caratop got so big that the upcoming people thought they would be stealing if they started doing props. But I think it's a legitimate idea for you. This was like way funnier than the other stuff. Dude, you didn't like... It's very clever. You didn't like the Rocket Money joke? It was okay.

It was... Since that, I have two Rocket Money subscriptions. That's good. Yeah, it's good. That's good. You didn't get anything for D-Madness? And that's the final gift of the night. D-Madness.

I heard you lost your eyes in that tragic accident. Jesus Christ. No, I actually got you. Not at all what happened, but... I got you some brand-new eyes. Oh. Oh, they really broke. They really broke.

They already broke, everybody. Okay, I thought that was going to go better, too. Okay, so that was this kill-tony set. You did good, Jack. Thank you for all the gifts. Deep Madness, those are googly eyes. If you're wondering what's going on. It's good.

Keep that trans flag away from D. Madness or else he's going to light on fire. Famous homophobe, D. Madness. Okay, that's your first comedian of the night. But now we go to the bucket where, believe it or not, it's usually more insane. So we're going to see what happens here. Your first bucket pool tonight.

Make some noise for Co-Jack, everybody. 60 seconds, uninterrupted, and then an interview for Co-Jack. Hey, people keep asking me why I did Jake Paul Dirty in the sixth round. I said, I'm like, come on, bro. I'm not even British. Stop playing. I do like boxing, though. Rest in peace to George Foreman, boxing legend, died a couple months ago.

You guys know George Foreman? Notably known for naming all his kids, George Foreman, even the girls, but also the George Foreman Grill. I'm sure you all had a George Forman Grill, right? I just moved into my new apartment. I got a George Forman Grill, but I'm a little cheap, so I got a knockoff version. I got the George Floydman Grill.

It's sort of like the George Foreman Grill, but you've got to press down extra hard to get the grill marks. Call me Kojack Kaepernick out this bitch. I'm just, I expected the grill marks to say BLT, but it ends up saying BLM. And I'm just like, what the fuck. That's what I give. I used to counterfeit 20 to pay for it, so I guess that's what I get. All right, thank you.

That's my time. Thank you. Kojak, ladies and gentlemen. George Floydman Grill. Look at that. Welcome, Kojak. How long you've been doing stand-up? Four years?

As soon as you open this, about three years. As soon as the mothership opened, I started. Nice. What made you want to start then? I've been watching Kill Tony since 2015. Amazing. I saw you at the year. How old are you? You look like you could be 20 or 65. I'm 46.

Really? Wow. Look at that. Yeah, I believe it. You're doing good. How do you stay so young, young? looking. I stay in the gym. I stay in the sauna. You stay there. Yeah. You have a 24-hour fitness membership. Yeah, I'm fit, man. I do some things. I lift, you know. You just looked at Joe Rogan and said, I love. I lift. That was uncomfortable.

I lift weights. I stay shape. I run. All right. What do you do for a living? I am the number one waiter in Austin, Texas at a fine dining establishment. Okay. I took care of Shane. Like, what? Yeah.

Yeah, I was with Egan and McCann and Sam Talent. Yeah. Nice. Right after, yeah. How was I? I don't care about the... What was the name of the rest of it? Do you want to say?

I don't fucking remember. It was good, though. You were great. I didn't know you're so fucking racist, but... I would have to have a bigger tip. No, but that was crazy to do that in front of all these whites. Even I didn't like that. We got to be careful out there, man.

A lot of George Floyd types out there. I saw three on my way in. What does that mean? Well, where are you from? Philly. Go birds. Oh, let's go. 20 second in diamonds.

Stop playing. Oh, wow. All right. Well. The hood. I take back every joke I made about you. How was I? I waited on you. Was I great waiter? You were wonderful. Thank you, Mike. I remember it. Yeah.

You don't want to say the restaurant because you think he'll get in trouble for a George Floyd joke? Is that what I'm picking up on? Yeah, definitely. Okay, perfect. People don't go to my restaurant. Wow. Don't say it now. Definitely don't say it. They're going to fire you, bro. For those of you listening, for those of you may be not watching,

and just listening to the podcast. The Kojak is black, everybody. I know he's extremely racist towards the blacks, but I promise you, he is black. This is incredible. I just have a problem with George Floyd. Why? What's your problem?

They said that he was my hero. I had George Floyd and fucking P. Diddy to look up to as heroes. That's some bullshit. Yeah, man. I mean, do you say what you got to say? And I think all the educated blacks would agree.

Oh, shit. Again, he's black. Where's Candace Owens when you need her? Wow. Cojack, when you say you're the number one waiter in all of Austin, what do you mean by that? That means I was rated number one in all of Austin by anyone that comes in and I take care of.

Okay. All right. What do you think? You like steak? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like bone in filet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like bone in at my butt.

Just beat me to the punch on that. Yeah, exactly. I'm just, yeah, he likes hot dogs. Has he got any hot dogs at that steakhouse? This guy, I'll fucking... Yes, I'll have six hot dogs. Fat and juicy. Yeah.

We got a nice petite fillet for you. Oh, my God. All right, brother. Cojack, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or waiting tables? I do a lot of cooking at home. I have a... I am always at H-E-B shopping,

so I have a lot of... My boyfriend is Puerto Rican, so we make a lot of Puerto Rican. Yo! Whoa. Look at that. A racist... Gay, black, if you have that on your bingo card.

Again, if you were on prize picks, if you were on prize picks and you bet only $2, that the first bucket pool would be a gay, black, racist against black comedian. With only a $2 bet, you just won $3.5 billion. This is why you need to go to prize picks, use the promo code Tony, and place your bets. $2 bet would have gotten you $3.5 billion. Gay, black, racist against blacks.

Do you want to be my new best friend? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Do you like hot dogs? We'll put those on your George Foreman Grill. We'll have a hell of a night. Tell us about this Puerto Rican boyfriend. What does he do for work? He works at HB.

Wow. Get that discount. Oh, my God. What's he working? The bakery? He's in the meat aisle, Tony. What part of H.E.B. does he work at? He's a bagger.

Oh, a bagger. That's the only time he bags, right? Raw dog motherfucker. That's right. I'm 20 years of senior, so I bagged him. Wow. H.E. Oh, racist.

Racist gay black pedophile. You're that whole flag that was just out of here. Crazy. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. How long you've been with this bag boy? Five and a half years.

Wow. His in-laws are, well, my in-laws are moved. Well, my in-laws are moving here. He's got his mom and his grandmom to come move. Oh, my goodness. And it's a little bit of an age gap, but me and his mom are the same age. So that was a hill to get over.

You're with a young, you've been with a young. How old is it? Wait, you're 47. 46. That's even worse. Is he 15 years old? Like, why is he a bagger? There you go.

Hey, shut up. How old is he, Cojack? Fucking mean. He just turned 25. Wow, look at you. Y'all care about gay shit now. Get the fuck out of here. Like y'all fucking care about gay shit all of a sudden.

Fuck out of here. I love it. H.E.B. now, HIV later. Oh, how exciting is your life? Let's fucking go. Well, Kojak, fun times. You know, I like the Georgia. George Floydman joke.

You're getting a big joke book, buddy. There you go. We're going to keep it moving along. Hey, can you come? When you come and I'll serve you, come to my restaurant. I don't know what fucking are. You didn't want to say the name of the restaurant. Shane will tell you.

Okay. The lowercase grill. Lowercase grill. Hey, that's code, dude. I don't know what you guys do. He knows. Shane's up. Thank you.

You guys are great. There he goes. Gojack, everybody. There he goes. Right out the back door, just like he likes it. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Look at her. She's going to be working hard tonight on these Bud Lights.

Live in the flesh, Heidiregina.com. She's got a podcast, a bunch of shit going on. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds, uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Nick Torme, everybody. Here we go. Nick Tormy.

Hey, everybody. So a little bit about me. I'm not really great at falling through on things. Like, I dropped out of community college twice. I tried hanging myself, wound up with a choking fetish. The rope broke from the ceiling, but I shot a few more right back up there. You never know when you're going to find a new hobby. Like, you think anyone ever found out they're good at parkour by attempting suicide?

They jump from the building, then the moment for impact, they tuck and roll. Some French guys show up, possibly starts playing. I think it's much more likely someone's attempted parkour and found out they're good at suicide. All right. There he is. Nick Torme. Is your first time on the show, Nick? Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome. How long you've been on stand-up? About six years. Nice. Where at? Mostly Salt Lake. Okay. That's where you live still?

No, I moved down here in August. Okay. How do you like Austin? I love it. It's awesome. What do you love about it? I like that there's no winter. I'm a big fan of that.

Winter. Yeah. I'm from upstate New York, then I lived on top of a mountain in Utah in a van for four years, so I... You're fucking drive down. It took me four years to realize that shit. I'm not a smart man.

I love it. What do you do for work? I did work at the ski resort for a while. That doesn't exist down here. Yeah. I'm working for Amazon right now. I'm working for the devil. It's pretty fun. You're driving? Yeah. Okay. What's that like? Tell us... Oh, awful.

Yeah, tell us... Do we bring it down for us? What do you need about it? They have you on a camera at all times. It's like an AI camera that's tracking you the whole time. And I also threw out my back yesterday, so I was walking around like Quasimoto for most of my deliveries. Wow. The last comic blew out his back, too. Yeah. So Nick, tell us more. What are you into, buddy?

You have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? You seem like you have a little something up your sleeve. Me and I'm engaged. Me and my fiance collect taxidermy. Oh, wow. Where'd you meet this bag boy at? I met her at an open mic. Huh?

I met her at an open mic. Oh, nice. She does comedy too? Yep. Wow. Interesting. Did she sign up tonight? She did. Uh, she's over, she's, she's, she's at the bar next door.

Yeah, she is. Uh, Colt, you know who that is? Holly. What's her name? What is it? Holly. Holly. Jensen.

Holly Jensen. Go grab Holly Jensen. Let's see. Who's the funniest person in this couple is. Always spontaneous fun here. Have a holly jettling Christmas. Come on folks. How did you get into collective taxidermy?

Uh, she got me into, I got her, uh, a taxidermyed fron. It's like a cane toad, like the invasive species in Australia. It's like a purse. She has it with her. Tell Holly to bring the frog. I'll see the frog. That's so crazy. My wife would stab me.

No, she loves it. And we got some bats. We got some mice in a teacup. Was she doing van life with here? Did you meet her here? No, she lived in the van for a year with me. Did you ever get close to the old Petino? I do like National Parks, big fan of the Park System.

Like a fight in a van would suck. Oh, it's awful. Yeah, there's not much room. Yeah. Yeah, I think I saw a documentary on Netflix about this one. That was my joke, you dumbasses. Oh, you did? Yeah, I said her name. Oh, I missed.

Say her name. I love it. So you got bats, you got rats, what else? We got a taxonomy with Fox, we just got. We got a praying mantis. And she found a big dragonfly in the woods that we're keeping in the freezer right now. Oh, shit.

They say there's someone for everyone. Today you see proof. So you guys have a place. It's here in Austin. What does she do for work? Nothing right now. Looking for something. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Do you get, like, used taxidermy? Like, people that have died that have, like, sold it? Like, so it's, like, creepier. Oh, God. She would probably love that, for sure. But, no, we went to a store.

They had human skulls, too. It was weird in spines. Ladies and gentlemen. Well, I guess they just sent her out. Okay, that's one way to do it. Can I see that frog? Yeah. Oh, wow.

That is crazy. He's got a little butthole. Is that real? Yeah. It looks fake. 100% real. How do you know it's real, Joe Rogan? He's an invasive species in Australia.

He's a cane toad. His name's Winston. He's our son. Wow. Terrifying. Look at that. It's legit. That's incredible. I think it's a... I don't see a dick on it.

I don't know if... It might be your daughter. Holly, you want to do the set that you were planning on doing here? That's how I would have done it instead of just sending her out randomly. I would have brought her up. Ladies and gentlemen, doing 60 seconds, uninterrupt it. It makes some noise for Holly Jensen, everybody.

So I'm actually from Salt Lake City, Utah. I just moved here. And the first thing everybody always asks is if I'm Mormon. I'm not. I'm Jewish. But I did have a lot of Mormon boyfriends. growing up. The cool thing about Mormon boyfriends is they have some really weird rules. Like they won't drink coffee, but they will finger a Jew.

I've been having a hard time getting a job out here in Austin. When I was in Salt Lake, I was a stripper. Thank you. So much more supportive than my parents. I appreciate it. They hated the stuff that I would do at work. Like I loved showing up with googly eyes as pasties. Turns out men don't like it when the tits stare back at them. Shit kept going wrong at the strip club. Like one day our DJ didn't show up, so we had to dance to Pandora Radio with the commercials on. So I was just twerking on some old dude like,

do you struggle with osteoporosis? Thank you. That's my time. Wow. Holy Kensington. Oh my God. This is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man. Again, if you bet this on prize picks, you just won $750,000.

He's taking her straight to a state park. You can't have that, dude. You cannot allow that. You have to kill her now. You have to kill her. Yeah, she's about to be... Axidermy herb, bro. Yeah.

She's about to be in the freezer next to the dragonfly. Holly, you're hilarious. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Awesome. And that was all in upstate New York or Salt Lake City? Oh, Salt Lake City, Utah.

And that's where you're from. Yeah. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Why don't you work? Oh. I mean, I've been trying. I've been applying to jobs.

What are you good at? What do you want to do? I'm good at stripping. I love doing stuff. Really? I love doing both of those things so yeah, a job in either of those things would be great.

You've done, you've stripped before? Yeah. Amazing. Heidi, what do you think? Can you get her a job? You just got a job at the Yellow Rose. Congratulations. Or at least an audition.

This is the worst night of this guy's life. What are you doing? Why? No, you're fired. This poor guy is going to be all alone tomorrow night at 2.30 a.m. Petting a fucking dead bat. He talked about he tried to kill himself.

Holy shit. Well, you guys fucking just did something real special here. Very entertaining. we got a small one for Nick. You guys want him to get a big one? All right, you guys are both getting big ones. There you go. There goes Nick Torme and Holly Jensen, everybody.

You know what, Holly, next year, I would love to have you on a secret show, all right? Next year? All right. Why'd you wear it like that? Because he's completely bassoon- No, next Thursday's Christmas, a week after- So January? Yeah, so January.

Say fucking January. Yeah, just say the next secret show. Yeah, next year. Hey, I'd love to have you next decade, don't I? Jesus Christ. You're... Unbelievable. Well, it's been a hell of an episode so far.

So far, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Floyd Jones, everybody. Here we go. Uh, so are we just gonna act like Kanye wasn't a Nazi? That's just how we're, okay, perfect. I don't know if you guys heard he actually changed his name. He's Kanye Auschwest. Yeah, Kanye, which is crazy. Like, he said he was done making music, done making controversial.

done making controversial statements. He's actually going to open a chain of all-natural grocery stores. It's going to name it Trader Jews. I don't, I think it's problematic to say the least. But I like the thought of restaurants just fucking up. Like, I think it'd be cool if Olive Garden gave abortions, you know? Because then their tagline could be, when you're here, you were almost family.

That's... Speaking of how I'm a piece of shit at restaurants, you guys thought I was Puerto Rican. I'm black. I promise, I've got the paperwork. I'll get 23 in Mead right now, even though it just sounds like a cool movie about Michael Jordan. So, but white people just need to know.

They're like, I just want to make sure. Like, God. And so I like to go to sushi restaurants because the waitress is never black. And when she comes over, I go, hi, could I get some salmon niggery? And she's like, well, you mean nigheri? Wow.

Damn. A lot of ooze and Oz during that set. Floyd Jones. Welcome, Floyd. Is this your first time on the show? Yo, talking, grabbing that microphone, buddy. I don't know how that happened, yeah. It's happened.

Okay. Welcome, welcome. How long you've been doing comedy, Floyd? Since, like, 2021, you know? January 6th, right? Okay, not great. Okay, Shane knows. Oh, my God, Joe Rogan. Dude, hell yeah.

You, hey, man, without you? Oh, man. Let's go. Let's go. Fuck. These are your heroes, Joe. Honestly, it's like Pokemon. It's like you started to Tony, you ended shade, and like,

ah. The Charzart himself, dude. Holy fuck, dude. Let's go. Where was this? Where was this? You didn't say it funny. Hey, dude, I wasn't ready for it.

I'm sorry, yeah. People are having better interviews than sets tonight. Yeah, yeah, hey, hey, it's... Floyd, tell us about you. What do you not do for a living? I just care, I guess care. No, I play music, man. You're a professional musician?

And a metal band, yeah. Really, you're a drummer? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's been a long time. since we've done this, but for those of you that are fans of the show, you might know that if anybody that does comedy on this show drums, we have a little thing where they get a drum solo and our house drummer gets a drum solo. And if the guest drummer is able to beat our drummer in a drum off, they become the full-time drummer.

of the show. So, we'll be a drum off here. And if you beat Michael Gonzalez in the drum solo off, you become the full-time drummer on the show. And Michael has to dress like a five-year-old and playing a metal band. This is a Mexican drum off, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I must warn you, Floyd,

Jones, Michael Gonzalez, all time is undefeated here on his home turf. But I'm guessing that Floyd, since he does this for a living, might have a little something. Well, we know he doesn't have anything up his sleeve because he's wearing a basketball jersey. But I'm guessing he is very talented. Let's see what happens here. This is Kiltony, brought to you by Netflix. January 12th. One, two, three, four.

And so on There you go. That is indeed a drum solo. That is a good one. That is a good one. I really fucking hope Michael puts it together here. I would hate to look at those flabby arms every week. an incredible amount of blatant ozempic weight loss on this guy

wow defending his throne undefeated all time in Mexican drumoffs on his home turf this is Michael Gonzalez Yep. Really tied it together there at the end. Let's see. Unfortunately, it's not up to us. It is up to the live audience here. Do we have a decibel meter?

I can't remember. We have it going? All right. So here we go. Colt on the camera, on the decibel meter. How many of you have Floyd Jones winning this Mexican drumoff? Make some noise. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

Wow. Thank God. I may have affected this election. Wouldn't be the first time, but Floyd, you gave it a hell of a run. It was very good. Good interview, good set. I guess you get to keep those drumsticks. There's a big joke book. There he goes Floyd Jones, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Floyd saying goodbye to Shane and Lord Charzard or whatever he said. There's another Bud Light, brought to you by Bud Light. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special time in the show's history because we have a brand new regular who is absolutely taken the show over by Storm.

This is a brand new set. They get to do a little bit longer than a minute if they want. And this is the Dark Storm of Atlanta, ladies and gentlemen. He is here. Make some fucking noise for Dedrick Flynn. Yeah! Oh my God. What you know about being the only black dude

at a country music festival and Kennesaw, Georgia called Shaky Boots Festival? Yeah, no, I only found that out because when I walked into the venue, a dude ran up to me out of breath, and he was like, Hey, my nigger, you know you out of uniform, right? And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. I love Blake Shelton.

I love Kenny Chesney. And he was like, nigger, stop lying. I got an extra vest in my car. And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. And I showed him my ID, and I showed him my badge. And he looked at my ID, and he looked at my badge. And he looked at me, and he looked at my... Tasha!

You're going to want to hear this. So Tasha came over. I met Tasha. She did the same thing. Jamal! I met everybody one by one. I made all 37 black people like I'm a black Noah's Ark. They kept calling me to Dave Walker.

They said I was Blade. And it was a great country music festival, man, because all the black people that was working event kept giving me free drinks, but they also had re-entry. They stopped doing it. They had re-entry into the festival, so we just go to the car and, like, parking lot, pimp, drink beers.

And the reason why we knew was time to go drink beers is because my best friend, Jesse, who was a redneck Filipino, but raised black because she was my best friend. Her older sister Jackie had just had a kid, and she would look us in the face, and she would be like, I need to get out of here. My tent's about to pop. I got to go pumped.

So we would go back to the car, and she's chugging beers. We're all drinking beers and she's pumping, but she pumped more than like a regular, like a white woman could never pump as much milk as it take to make a redneck Filipino that's raised black. Like my nephew Maxwell today, he's 10 years old, he's taller to me. So she's pumping a lot and I'm looking at her titty milk and I wanted to taste some, but I ain't know how to ask.

And then God got my back so much. He confused my friend Derek. My friend Derek saw me looking at the breast milk, and he was like, yo, I bet you $100 you won't drink Jackie's breast milk. Nigger, I was already thinking about it. She got a husband. I don't know how you ask somebody.

Like, are y'all a couple? How do you get it? If you have breast milk, I got to be like, hey, excuse me, brother. This bread's milk, you ain't bringing to your kids. It got alcohol in it. Can I sip something before we pour it on the ground? But for $100, I could at least buy one t-shirt while I'm inside the goddamn place. So I was like, hell, yeah, let's run it.

And so they brought the funnel out because it was too much of titty milk to just sip. It was too much to sip. You got to bring the funnel out. It was like two gallons of titty milk she was pumping. And I chucked it all in eight seconds flat. I was doing a great job. Also, I don't know if y'all love titty as much as. as I do, but I research them.

Breast milk tastes like whatever the mom is eating and drinking. So her titty milk just tasted like tecate and tequila with a little bit. It tastes like a redneck Filipino horchata. You know what I'm saying? It tastes like a little redneck Filipino horchata. But also, if y'all, y'all study titties, as much as I do, you would know that a titty milk has all the vitamin.

I haven't had a hangover in 12 years, nigga. I'll do a good. That's my time I'll go, y'all. Dedrick, Flynn. Ladies and gentlemen. Dedrick, it is so fun to watch you perform. Two weeks ago, you had regular teeth. You're getting better with the grill.

But there is a slight speech impediment still there. One of my favorite parts of the set is when you said, I wanted to taste them, but... I didn't know how to... The grill is affecting those S's. It is. It is. I'm not used to money, Tony.

It's amazing that you're willing to make the sacrifice. Out with the yeses, in with the gold teeth, still making it work, plowing through it. I love it, dead meat. Cammoed up tonight. Look at that. I got that shit on, Tony. That's saying right, that shit on. Hell, yeah.

Got that shit on. You know I'm talking about. No, you don't. Yo, you just, you still disguising that forehead. That shit is big as hell. Yeah, that shit swooped over, but it's still that damn plasma screen TV, bro. It's a good look.

Don't let anyone talk to you. Take your head off, Shane. Fuck you, dude. Don't. Look, David Lucas was good at it. We already have one, David. Don't do that. My pocket's fat enough, but not me.

You know what I mean? David Lucas. David's a whole... David Lucas is also wearing a grill right now. It's a green egg. Okay. Is that right? Green egg? It wasn't the reference that threw it off. Tendinism.

My delivery is a little bit floppy tonight. I'll take them out. No, it's good. No, I won't talk to it. I was good to see y'all. Y'all look at you. Yeah. I'll get you more teeth if you killed David Lucas.

How'd you guys think I was serious? Dedrick. Okay, dokey. All right. Dedrick, how's life been going? Man, I'm doing good. I got damn torn like a motherfucker. We just left Lincoln, California together.

Yeah, I took Dedrick on our first road gig together. Yeah, that was fun as a motherfucker. I ain't never been on a private jet. I was, uh, I was so used to getting pat down. They just walked down and it's like, dude, would you like a coffee? And I was like, am I in interrogation? I was ready to snitch on you.

I don't know what you did. Yeah. It was a fun trip. We, especially the ride back in. Yeah, that was some of them. Yeah, it was a blast. It was actually a... Yeah.

Very good, Reddard. Very good, Red Band. Yes, we banged Red Band. He's fucking disgusting pig. I like where he's going. Of course you do. You're the didler. No offense.

That's why he's, that's where his new Lisp actually comes from. He knocked his teeth. All right. All right. Sorry. Yeah. Dedrick. Dedrick.

You guys have seen Dedrick, the Dark Storm of Atlanta. What are our thoughts, Joe Rogan, other than his jacket and his hat? What do you like about him? Oh, you just got a completely new style. It's like your own thing. It's great. I love it. Thank you so much.

I've seen this before a bunch of time. It's fun. Get rid of the grill, though. It's ridiculous. You can't even talk. You know you got money. Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around. Okay?

Those aren't even like fake tits. They're like the rubber ones. You stuff in your bra. Just get a goddamn operation and commit to a look. That's fucking gold teeth. That's so crazy. Those are real.

Oh, there you go. That's what I like. Hey, Joe. I like commitment. You can affect how much I get paid every week. You got enough. Give me the real gold teeth.

I'll go get them. I don't give them a fuck. I got this to prove in my neighborhood I was doing good. But, nigga, if you, Joe Rogan, you know, you know Joe. Rogan you know Joe Rogan name one thing about me all right all right so you had a power to change my whole life Joe Rogan you could put those on like a rope and just wear them around your neck and

everybody would know you have money and they would be able to hear you pronounce your S's correctly yeah I'm gonna tell you right now Tony I'm from the South we ain't we pronounce no S or T's the whole time I've been talking but sometimes they don't understand me on the internet so I could talk how I want to I agree I agree Like a sleut. Freedom of speech. Dedrick, you've done it again. We love you.

Freak of nature. The Dark Storm of Atlanta has graced us with his presence. On and on we go. Back to the bucket. This person has to follow Dedrick. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for what appears to be a new name. Tyler Cole, everybody.

Here comes Tyler Cole. Do y'all think Indians do that headbob thing when they're sucking dick? Oh my God, this is so big. Did you all hear Joe Biden woke up today? Yeah, so six more weeks of recession. That's what that means. So I went on a first date the other day,

told the girl I was a comic, and she said, no way, I'd love to see you perform some time. And I said, well, we should probably have sex first so you can appreciate just how long five minutes really is. It's a long time, I swear. Do we have any fans of Jersey Shore in here? Yeah. Someone told me the other day I looked like a cast member on the upcoming spinoff Gaza Shore.

It's just five Jews and five Palestinians arguing for an hour. This bedroom was promised to me. Someone also told me I looked like the situation. I looked like the situation in the Middle East. And then they said it looks like my forehead could bench press 225 pounds. That was really rude. I've been Tyler Cole.

Thank you guys. Tyler Cole. Making fun of himself throughout. Fun stuff. Tyler, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? It is. Welcome, welcome.

How long you've been on stand-up? Four months now. That chain's kind of tight, huh? A little bit, yeah. Are you, are you, are you, are you a pit bull? What is going on? What exactly is happening over there? Is that the size that you wanted to be?

I got the size wrong. Yeah, why would you wear it? Why would you ever wear it? Did you just wrap Dedrick's grill around your neck? It's like an autoerotic fixation thing, you know? Something. Yeah. You're trying to look cool, right?

You got me. But once you put it on, weren't you like, no? I was like, fuck it, I spent 50 bucks. How much, yeah, all right, whatever. How much did you spend on that? 50 bucks, he was right. Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis.

You don't think I've run into a tight chain? You gotta take that thing off, dude. Where'd you get it? Like, hot time? or something? Well, what is it? I did indeed get it at Hot Topic, yes. Did you really? No, I forget. I don't know. You forget?

Where you got the chain that squeezes your neck all day? It's because it's so tight, I forgot. Did you get it when you were in fifth grade? You just grew into it, like one of those fucking African ladies? The fucking neck thing. Ah! What part of New Jersey are you from, exactly, Tyler? His head's going to fall off in me, takes it off.

I'm from Austin, Tony. Born and raised in Austin. Born and raised. Wow, with a pinky ring and a choker. Yep. Leaning into it. Amazing. What ethnicity are you?

British. Just regular white. Yeah. Not Italian. Just a buttered noodle. Wow. Dude, not Italian. No, not at all.

This is nuts, dude. You're not Italian. Pinky ring and a necklace. Gama Gould shirt. How does this happen? Explain to us how this happened. What exactly, how did you end up trying to be Italian? It's the chain.

It's the chain. He bought the chain and it took over. He's a Wago. He's a Wago. He's a Wago. Instead of a dago, he's a Wago. You are a Wago. He's a white dago.

He's a Wago. Just a big Sopranos fan. Well, so am I. You don't see me not getting blood to my brain because of it. Tyler, what do you do for work? I sell houses. Do you really? I do really.

Time shares? No, houses. Regular houses. Are you good at it? Pretty good, yeah. You see the fucking drip? Yeah, I say he's doing it. He's doing all right.

When's the last time you, exactly, that you sold a house? When you closed on a house, when was it? It was in October, but I have a closing coming up tomorrow. Okay. What are you closing on tomorrow? Just a 2,000 square foot house in South Austin. Okay. What did you sell it for?

How much? 380,000. Wow. fuck it hell yeah might be able to add a few links to that necklace holler at your boy i love it okay what do you do how long have you been on stand-up four months four months what made you want to start four months ago uh kill tony how old are you 31 31 and you've just been watching the show and you're like i could do that yeah okay and getting booked by local promoters.

I love it. You're taking it seriously and you seem to be doing good at it. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and selling houses and pretending to be Italian? I like to shoot clays, and when it's warm out, wakeboarding, paddleboarding.

Yeah. When you shoot clays, do you get the gun out of the bathroom first? Yes. It's a godfather reference. Godfather jokes. Come on. I love it. What else did you say?

Lake sports. Lake sports. Like what? What exactly? Wakeboarding, wake surfing. Wow. Amazing. Amazing, Tyler.

What's your love life like? You have a little chicken parmesan at home? Single currently. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? A few years ago. Okay. She's been a woof, my fun, goof. Why are you fake Italian?

Who the fuck wants to be Italian? Hey, what the fuck? Hey, take it easy. Fuck you do, whops, dude. You fucking... You're in a guinea sandwich right now. Yeah. Oh my god.

It's just a crazy race to appropriate. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, I just started acting like Polish. I don't know, I like being Polish. What the fuck? Who compares the Italians to the Polish? Season two of the wire. Now I'm a Polok.

Like, I don't know. Like, what the fuck? You're not Polish? No. I do look pretty fucking Polish, yeah. Pretty glaringly Irish. But whatever. You don't see me wearing shirts about it.

So this relationship that ended a few years ago, how did it end? Found out she was married. Wow. Okay. I love this. My God, am I good at these little interviews? How did you find out exactly how did you find out that she was married? How long were you hooking up with her?

Give us a ballpark here. It was like nine months in that she told me she was... Nine months in and she just told you. Yeah, when we first started dating, she said that... You weren't dating. You were fucking and hanging out sometimes. She was married. Go ahead. When we first started fucking, she said she was divorced.

And then nine months later, she was like, oops, actually, I'm not divorced. Okay, where were you exactly when she told you this? You had a Best Buy, perhaps? No, we were bartending together at a club on 6th Street, and she told me while I was at work. Wow. Amazing.

And that was that. Yeah. She must have been fun. Yeah. Can you give us an example of the favorite sex? Crazy bitch. It doesn't tell you she's married for nine months. Working alongside you and fucking you.

And let's go to dinner. Fucking maniac. I bet she was so much fun. Can you give us an example of a fun sexual experience that you had with her? Are you guys ever bang at the bar or in the car outside? We did in fact bang at the bar, yeah. You banged at the bar? Yeah. The bar, diggy, diggy, diggy, diggy set the buggy set up to the buggy.

Banged at the bar to bang the bag. Take us through this. How do you bang at the bar? Tabah, the bar. Diggy, dig, dig. Just various locations, you know. You guys closing? Yeah, we had already closed like an hour ago.

Yeah, and she grabbed you by your chain and said, come over here. That's what it sounded like. That's Tom Siger after breaking his arm. It's the actual... He was on my podcast today. So, let me ask you this. That rules, sir.

Because you're at the bar, right? You're serving beverages. But you're with a married woman. So where are you finishing? You have to... Is it inside or are you pulling out? That's a really good question. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Fuck you. Every answer is bad. Let's go. She was on birth control. Oh, wow. Oh, my.

Cream pie. Yeah. Special delivery, daddy. It's a fake canoli. It's not actually a cream pie. It's a vegan canoli. Devastated. Some poor guy.

Poor guy eating her out later. She comes home for the bar. He goes, how is you nice? Salty. Yeah. Italian? Yeah.

Tastes like. This tastes like dairy-free Alfredo. Wow. My God. Mountain house meal. Absolutely incredible. That's an evil world. Evil world, baby.

Wife's been pied by a wop at the bar. Does the husband know about you? Did the husband ever find out? This is the billion-dollar question. I mean, they were separated, so they didn't live together. They weren't remote. How the fuck do you know? I went to her house a few times.

Whoa. Did they have kids? No, no kids. No kids. Yeah. But they got back together. She told you and you haven't banged since. They did not get back together.

They didn't get back together, but she was still married. Okay. Oh, okay. Well, that's interesting. Yeah, that's a whole different thing. You got a happy ending. So then why would you, why? I don't really get it.

She tells you that... She's fun, Tony. Can't just let a girl have fun? Yeah, Tony. Why do you want to stomp out all the crazy people in this world to make everything fucking boring? No, I just don't understand. Let her fuck the guy at work.

I have she yelled at you to come inside. I have no more questions, Your Honor. Did she yell? Tell us. Tell me, there's no point in here. I need to hear shit like this. Come on, Paizan. What did you call you?

What was her nickname for you? There was no nickname. Yeah, there was. Oh, come on. The fuck out of here. Don't fuck out of here this guy. What was the name of the bar that you guys were banging? No, don't do it to me.

Don't ruin everyone's life. You're so evil. Tyler. That was for four months, pretty, pretty good. The interview, unfucking believable. Here's a big joke book. There you go, my friend. Tyler Cole, a hell of a catch.

Hell of an interview, very honest. Remember, you future kill Tony bucket pulls. We love an honest interview. Some people get scared. All right, this looks like a new name. This looks like a fun name. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Diamond Debbie. everybody. Here comes Diamond and Debbie.

Oh my God. Let's fucking go. Guys, you gotta do better than that. Make some noise for Diamond Debbie, ladies and gentlemen. Howdy. Old blue hair ladies, we know things. By this age, I know when I had too much to drink and like you youngens,

because diapers leak y'all. I was a single mom with an only child, and I highly don't recommend that to any youngans either. If only I'd had a litter. Surely one of them would have failed at life and wanted to stay home and take care of me. Hey, and what's all this about the T word? We had that T word back in the 60s, y'all. Tomboy, most of us grew out of it. The rest became y'all's gym teachers.

Well, I was looking for love in all the wrong places during the pandemic. I mean, the nursing homes. But, you know, the competition's pretty stiff. There are women outlive men, and there's a lot of Debbie's in there, I'm telling. But by now, even the guys with dementia, after four or five times, they got to figure it out. I'm not Debbie with the pop-out plate.

Nah, not me. They can see me coming. They just call me, oh, Bluetooth. Well, that's it. When life beats you up and you got to start over like, I'm always having to do. I'd just say, Jesus, take my joystick. I'm coming home.

Thank you. Wow. Diamond Debbie, welcome, welcome, welcome. Oh, my goodness. This is your first time on the show. I would remember you. Well, you know, you've walked by me a few times in my chair, but, you know, I'm, you know, crotch level.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I get overlooked a lot. This is my 111 sign-up. No fucking way. I have been. I have been first in line at least 90% of those times. And Tony, you've got to do some exercise.

Your wrist never goes to the bottom of the bucket. You'd be surprised. Be surprised. Diamond Debbie, how many centuries have you been doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, Diamond. How come you didn't let Jack on that fucking door? Titanic joke. No big deal.

Rockin' money. She's either the girl from Titanic or the rock that she threw in the bottom of the ocean. I can't tell exactly. I am the heavyweight. Oh, Dee Madness is making his move right now, ladies and gentlemen. You know, Dee and I had an agreement, because I grew up playing bass guitar,

but I didn't have one at home to practice on. So he plays by ear, and I only sight read, So it wouldn't be fair. Fuck, yeah, Diamond, Debbie. But seriously, how long you've been to one stand-up? 111 sign-ups, but... Okay, I started in seven years ago, and right the same month that I started it,

I got run over. My wheelchair is crash test-approved by the DOT at Tesla and me. It was going 45 miles an hour. Yeah, by a fucking test. If Elon Musk had been driving, I'd be okay, but the dentist was driving. I never heard of a Tesla hitting a trash can. Hold on a second.

You were in your wheelchair and you got hit by a Tesla. Going 45 miles an hour crossing the street in my neighborhood. And that Tesla got messed up, honey. My chair was laying on the ground and I was standing up at the end of it. What fuck are you doing out the road? Well, you know, that's something I want to talk about, yeah. You know, it's odd, but we do have the right to go outside. Wow. Diamond Debbie.

This is incredible. He's only 25 years old. That's why she looks like that. Yeah. No, honey, I got socks older than you. Damn right. And red band's like 55, so that's crazy. How old are you, Diamond Debbie?

I'm 67 years old. On 111, and this is my 111 sign up, I'll be 68. Wow. Look at that. 111, you're 68. 112, the new Netflix special, Kill Tony. Once Upon a Time in Texas, streaming live on Netflix. Give something to do the day after your birthday.

How exciting is that? Sounds good. If you make it there. Well, I think my daughter's phone number is in your phone. Uh-oh. But she hasn't talked to me in nine years. Okay. Yeah.

Her name, Little Debbie. Yeah. Very exciting. Can we get a phone unlocker? Very exciting, Diamond Debbie. Damn, so you couldn't even hear that Tesla coming, huh? It just came out of fucking nowhere. Or did you see it?

And you're like, oh. She's a burlese performer, and she's very, very famous. Your daughter is a famous for less. She won't let it go, Tony. This is serious. She's really trying to hook me up with her daughter. No, no, no. Cubic zirconium, Debbie.

No. Okay, Debbie, let's talk about it. What the fuck have you been doing the last 67 years? Well, my favorite thing is, see, I grew up in a day when women couldn't get car loans or buy houses. So I wasn't allowed to take auto mechanics or shop. So my favorite hobby right now is taking in the quantum wheelchair like I have and fixing them up and giving them to a few.

and giving them to people and helping them learn how to drive and go outside because, you know, we've been locked up too long in the pandemic and without home health care you can go get your own groceries.

It's fun. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Wait. I get around. I go six and a half miles an hour in the e-bike plane.

Wait, you got hit on the road were you fucking flying? Yeah. Like going somewhere? Were you on like fucking Mopeck? Well, you don't cross the street slowly in Austin. Oh, you were crossing the street.

Well, I'm sorry. I thought the way you were talking, you were going to, like, the grocery store. Just fucking flying. Ribbon. I'm sorry. I thought you were juicing those things up. No, they do fly.

Like the water boys track. I did not hear yet. I'm sorry, you guys don't like it. It's so good. Diamond Debbie. What made you want to start stand-up comedy? Well, it's funny. I was doing Toastmasters.

and I like to give hour-long speeches. And the guy that... Hold on. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What's Toastmasters? It's an organization to help you learn how to give speeches professionally, right? And so I signed up with them because it was online. But the friend told me that he could talk for an hour,

and all anybody remembers is a couple of jokes. So I'm like, why don't I tell jokes instead? So that's why I did it. Wow, look at you. You're such a little charming lady. Where are you from? Oklahoma home is. my home.

Okay. I grew up in Oklahoma, yeah. All right, and you drove your wheelchair all the way here. Yeah. Bro, you're going to hell. Because of this?

Actually. You think, dude, if I go up to the gates, if I go up to the gates and they're just like, you remember this, it's fucking Diamond Debbie, I'm going to be pissed. All the shit I'm going to be the straw. Where'd you get your name Diamond Debbie,

where you're like a stripper at the black and white rose or something or no great question red band that's a solid joke that's a solid joke black and white rose that's a solid joke oh i get it i get it now i'm so used to his joke's not making sense what i think of what uh how did you get the name diamond debby A diamond lasts forever and you clearly won't. We all die! What's going on? We all die. She's got a sense of humor.

The bitch has signed up 111 times if anybody can take a joke it's her, not you fucking pussies. So I started writing my second book which is Debbie Does Austin by wheelchair and the star of it was Debbie Diamond so I'm Diamond Debbie. Wow. Wait, so you wrote a book about...

I'm writing a book called Debbie Does Austin by Wheelchair. When's the Tesla chapter? Pardon? The triple X chapter? It's the next chapter? Well, I'm waiting for my happy ending. I haven't had a date. Is that a dozen to Austin?

I haven't had a date since I had my last pelvic floor. I'm so sorry. Hold on. Hold on. Time out. Time out again. You haven't had a date since when? I had my pelvic floor vault.

pelvic floor vault vault what does that mean ladder comes out and they put it back in okay don't laugh like that diamond don't look at me and laugh like that it makes me laugh I can't conduct my interview with you laughing like that you're the cutest gremlin I've ever seen in my life so ready come out yeah yeah so I haven't had I haven't had a date since I moved to Austin 11 years ago. I tried to date this one guy, but he thought he was above me because he's in a roll later.

He's in a what? A roll later. That's a walker with wheels on it. Oh, okay. Have you kissed a boy since moving to Austin? No. Well, well, well. You know what that means, everybody. We have another famous signal on the show.

No, not demon. No, not Dee. Don't do it, Dee. Is there a guy out there that wants to be a legend and give Diamond Debbie your first piss? This guy right here. Come on, look at this fucking stud. Look at him. Watch up for the camera right next to it. No, no, sit back down, you creep. That's our guy!

No, he's coming right here. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, she's pissed. Oh, his girlfriend is not happy about this. Oh, which makes it all that much better. Diamond Debbie is about to get her first Austin kiss. Here you go, Diamond Debbie. Wait, she can send.

It's a miracle. Wait. Oh my, oh my God. This is kill Tony. It's all right. No, it is okay. That was funny. That was actually touching. That was very nice.

It was. Diamond Debbie, how do you feel after your first Austin kiss? I'm breathless. I love it. I love it. And that was before the kiss. That's incredible. That's just from emphysema.

There's no guys my age awake this late at night, you know, with the big heart beat. Well, you might be surprised. Where's Joe White? Is Joe White out here? She's three years younger than Ron White. I know, but he's taken, you tell him. And you know what? I make brownies, happy brownies.

And they're Cam Patterson special. But I've taken them up to every white guy and not one of them will take candy from a stranger. When you say the brownies are the Cam Patterson special, what exactly do you mean by that? They're peanut butter, dark chocolate fudge mint with walnuts. Wow.

Damn. Is there weed in them? They have my medical prescription, you know. Oh, my God. When I started doing comedy on Monday nights when I came down here two years ago, it's the same night as my food pantry, and I got down to 80 pounds.

Wow. And they thought I had an eating disorder, but, you know, it's just kiltony. Diamond Debbie. I'm getting a word that there's another boy that wants to kiss you. You want to kiss another boy, Debbie? All right, let's send out another one. I'm getting word that there's one back here.

How many times you're going to make this poor lady stand up, Tony? There's one more. Oh, my God. Look at this. You say brownie three times. Tedric coughs. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I just got so hard. Was that a first? Wow. That improved. That was that first time with the black guy? Not my first kid. No, she was with George Washington Carver back after he discovered the peanut. That's why she can't walk so good.

Yeah. She was a marathon runner before her first black guy. I couldn't walk when I started, but it took so long to get up here. I learned to walk again. There's videos of me jogging now. I love it. I love it. I'm getting word.

The Dedrick just caught polio, everybody. That's absolutely incredible. Diamond Debbie, you are an instant legend. I somehow have run out of big joke books. Do we have more in the back? Great. They're going to hand you one in the back. And Diamond Debbie, you know, let's just fucking, let's just have you,

sign up again sometime, but why don't we just, like, time it out so that you don't have to wait out there with all these fucking... The worst part was waiting in the alley when it got so cold a couple of weeks ago. Oh, my God. Nobody could hear me try to get in. I feel terrible.

Yeah, you should feel terrible, dude. Wait out there for an hour. I told you you're going to hell, Tony. Let me hit. I've got to start considering these people, dude. They really want to be a part of the show and you treat them like garbage. How about to get some warmers out there?

There's some kind of heaters. Oh, hey, Heidi. I love it. Well, there's one with the Virgin Mary on it. You probably went to high school with her, so I'll give you that one. Thank you. Make some goddamn noise.

How loud can this place get for Diamond Debbie? We have all different shapes and sizes of signups here tonight, and I fucking love it. 111 signups, and she finally got on tonight. That's absolutely insane. Defies the odds of the bucket. But it goes to show the bucket's real, or else I would have pulled Diamond Debbie out along.

She didn't even use cursive either. She has good handwriting. All right. You guys still having fun out there? Oh, my God. She forgot her cane, everybody. Kiss number three coming up. Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's go. Did you kiss her? All right, this next bucket pole is from the inside. everybody. Make some noise for Kelly Quinn. Where the hell's Kelly Quinn at? Oh, they got it already. Great. I lost my job. My husband suggested volunteering, but I feel like I've given enough back to society. I married a redhead. I used to be a radio DJ and not to brag, but I got loads of handwritten fan mail all from jail prisoners must not have access to high-quality paper the pages were always stuck together I passionate fans there's one inmate who had a

clearly expressed crush on me my husband asked me why I was saving all his letters evidence my husband's retired Air Force the hardest job I ever had was being a military spouse just all day every day banging out your partner's PTSD and does the military recognize us

no and how could we after been banged that long and that hard I'm Kelly Quinn reminding you to be a patriot and service those who serviced our country Wow. Kelly Quinn, one of the more serious sets of the night. Kelly, welcome to the show, Kelly. This is your first time on, correct? I was on about a year and a half ago. Oh, okay. I don't remember you with the new hat. I didn't know they made hats in uncircumcised penis.

I've been married 27 years. I've actually never seen an uncircumcised penis. So if this is what it is, it's pretty hot. It is literally, it's been voted. I'm getting word. It is the worst hat of all time. Yeah. That's what the world is saying right now. Paddington bomb. Come on, folks.

Wake up. Instead of the bear. Bear, get it? Instead of the Paddington bear who has that hat. Where's Diamond Day? Kelly, you were on a year and a half ago. How long you've been doing stand-up? years. Three years. All of it here in Austin? I'm actually, I live in DFW. DFW. Hell yeah. Okay. What do you do for work?

So I own a small business, so when I lost my job in radio, I just switched full throttle to that. And so the question remains. What do you do for work? I own a website called Christmascockpit.com. I run it off a Shopify. Oh, we love Shopify. We absolutely. love Shopify. In fact, you can go to Shopify and start your own business. Not a lot of people know this, but Mattel and Jim Shark and a lot of other companies all started with Shopify, ladies and gentlemen, and on Shopify, you can perhaps hire up. Hey, did you wear that hat at the men's march? Remember the pussy hats? Yeah. The women's march? I would be the hat you would wear at the men's march. Stay with us, people. God damn, dude. I'm spitting out gold.

It is incredible. You did it and anyone can do it. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. Shopify grows with you. I love Shopify. That's right. Shopify.com slash kiltony.

That's Shopify.com slash kiltony. Shopify.com slash kiltony. This year, Shopify will be by your side. Okay. Kelly Quinn, tell us the craziest thing about your life? I've lived in four countries. What were the four countries?

Japan, America, England, and Italy. Okay. Which one do you like the most? America. Very good. That is the correct answer. How long were you in Italy for? Three years.

Three years. And yet you don't have a pinky ring, a necklace, or a Gabagool T-shirt. Absolutely incredible. Where in Italy did you live? Amelia Romano in Ferrara. Oh, okay. Si senorita. Very good.

Kelly, you're, you really have a red-headed husband? No, you killed. When I married him, he was red-headed, but as a Christian woman, I believed I could pray it away, and I did. Just for men? What happened? No, his hair just got dark. He just turned into a brunette. What does he do for work?

He's a pilot. Okay. All right. What exactly is Christmas Cockpit.com? So I make stockings like out of Crown Royal bags. Okay. So they're purple stockings? Some of them are.

I did make special Kill Tony versions that I brought for you in Red Band. Nice. That was like a month ago. Apparently, they didn't make it to you. Oh, we have those. We do have those. Yeah, no, we have those. You guys got them?

Hanging by the chimney. with tears. You guys kept them. Both you kept them? Yeah, totally. Oh my God. Isn't that crazy? They just threw those out.

Those nice gifts you gave them? No, we have them. We really do. We took photos the other day and shared them with our families. Yes, absolutely. They are hung by the chimney with care that hopes that St. Nicholas will soon be there. Um, Kelly, have you ever thought about making yourself a better hat? My...

My husband picked this out for me. Okay. We can tell. He definitely doesn't want you banging other dudes. It's very exciting. He's like, that hat is an instant boner killer. From now on, if I'm ever going to finish with a girl too fast, I'm going to picture that hat.

Just be like, oh, I'm going to last forever. That hat makes me want to not come. All right. Didn't get the laugh. I thought it would, but I thought that was funny. It was funny. It was funny. It's just picture a hat. Some people picture their grandma. I will picture that hat.

Kelly Quinn, you gave us a little stocking. You're leaving here with a little joke book. Congratulations. Merry Christmas. I spiked it on Joe Rogan. Wow. How dare you hit a book at Lord Charzard like that. All right. Back to the

bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? God damn. Mother fucking right. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? This looks like an interesting name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For tadpole triplet, everybody. Tadpole triplet.

Oh, boy. Here we go. Make some noise for tadpole triplet, everybody. Here we go. The clock has begun. Did you ever walk into a room? and not be the craziest motherfucker in there. What the fuck is that?

I appreciate y'all give me a little time out of your day. They don't let me out much. I need this shit, y'all. I've been in a really, really dark place lately, but I'm about to pay the electric bill. So the future is bright. But I can tell her what jokes up here. No, I am not Ted Kaczynski, Jr.

Y'all are insensitive. Ladies, sliding in my DM. Talk about Tapo, why don't you shave? Look at Tappo, so handsome, why don't he shave? Because, y'all, if I shave, I look like I majored in lacrosse and fraternities. Right, a little rapy. We don't want that.

So instead, this is what y'all get. Looked like a homeless M.M.A. fighter. Fucking Connor McBegger. Tadpole Triplett has arrived. Welcome to the show, Tadpole. Who the fuck is this guy? Still tagging the Connor McBager joke, I see. The set has ended.

Welcome, Tadpole Triplit. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long you've been doing Stan? Uh, 39 years. Really? Yes, sir.

You've been performing on stage for 39 years? Uh, yes. How old are you? I have 49. I'll be 49 in May. So you started stand-up comedy when you were 10 years old? I did my first type five in a second grade talent show. Are you serious?

I swear to God. Wow. Okay. Okay. Okay. Wait, you were 10 in second grade? Botox! Yeah, that checks you out.

Tadpole. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Wow. Tadpole triplet. Staring at Joe Rogan like he is the Liver King's angry son. Oh, God, what's that? I see a resemblance.

One could say he's the liver prince, if you will. So, Tadpole, let's talk about it. You've been doing stand-up comedy for 39. years, what else have you been doing? You look like perhaps some time in Vietnam or something. Thank you. I appreciate it. I spent 20 years in Hollywood. Okay. Trying to be cute. What were you doing in Hollywood? Mostly a writer. Okay. Did you write anything that we might recognize? Perhaps some graffiti on a wall or something? Fucking the I-5 underpass. That's me. Okay. But what else? Anything creative? My biggest success was

the Tonight Show, Jay Leno. You wrote that? You... Second grade! I... Explain to us what you mean? You were a staff writer on the Tonight Show? I was staff, and I wrote for the Tonight Show.

I was assistant segment producer, but the guy I worked for had a lung transplant. I spent six months just in the writer's room trying to learn how to write a joke. You were in the studio in Burbank, California. In Burbank, California. Wow. How long ago was that?

Boulevard, it was 25 years ago. Bill Clinton was the president. Wow. Fucking Botox. You want Botox. This is incredible. Now, Tadpole, you came out with a stool. Explain to us why you have a stool.

I got hit by a drunk driver and broke my neck. And this is physical therapy. It wasn't a Tesla, was it? We're going to stop this, motherfucker. Oh, my God. You have an actual neck brace there. You took off the neck. to perform.

You have an actual broken neck. Yes. Wow. I'm going to try and tough it out and not put it on and look like a sissy. Are you a joke fucking Robin? What are you going to tap out? I'm going to tap out? No, put that thing on before you die.

Yeah. Also, for real, neck brace is the funniest thing you can wear. It really is. I wear it about 50% of the time, but I was doing a minute and I wanted to give a lot of I want to put it off on it. No, on stage would be very funny. For real. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I swear to God, a neck brace is literally the funniest. Before my minute to say, Hi, world. No, toss that fucking thing on, dude. I swear. How many you want him to put on the neck brace? Let's see it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kiltony's history.

It's the first time we've ever seen a man put on a neck brace with a broken neck after performing. Wow. This is incredible. So Tadpole, tell us how did life change? I've got to get the beard out of there. Tadpole. Explain to us what it's like having a spot bro. Explain to us what it's like having a broken neck.

You curl up in a ball like a crybaby for half the day, and then you decide if you want to be a tough guy and do a little bit of something. Right. And that was that day or every day? Pretty much every day for the last 12, 14th, second grade, whenever. You got hit by a Tesla 12 years ago? No, no, that's all his idea.

I got hit by it. Dude, that's writer's room shit. Yeah, that was actually his idea. Shane said I got hit by a Tesla. He'd do a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, wait, you got hit in fucking... Yeah, I got hit by a drunk Russian diplomat's daughter.

A Bill Clinton, Russian diplomat's daughter. Okay, hold on. When was this? 96. 96. Did you get money from this? I had to sue my grandfather's insurance to pay for my surgeries. Why is that funny?

Holy cry. Great mystery. Yeah, what the fuck is that funny? I put all this effort into telling a joke and you laughed at my trauma. Holy Christ. So they gave you surgeries and you're still braced up. What else have you tried? Man, I wrote a book about my recovery, not about what happened,

because I'm not ready for that. Everybody's got a fucking book. I don't even have a book. I just made it up. So you perpetually have to wear that brace since you were a kid? No, I was almost 19. Right. Okay, so you were almost 19.

You broke your neck then. You're 46. You still wear a brace every day? About 50. If I don't have something, I can lean on, I didn't wear it tonight. Right. But if I can, I sit on a stool when I try to do stand-up. What is the injury?

I'm fused front and back C-3 through C-7. All the way down. The whole shit's titanium. Oh, wow. Yo, that's kind of. I got to go up and down, but I don't want to because it's around my brainstem. And I got a little bit of smarts left, and I don't want to get strangled out by titanium. I will say, though, you do have the coolest

fucking neck brace I've ever seen. Thank you. Most of them suck. That one's actually like a bottom of it, like a stormtrooper mask. Like, like. Like a mixer. This is my dunk contest moment.

Hold on, let me get it up. What's that to? I, it's like traction. It works like a traction machine. But I can't talk with it because it locks my jaw. So how you doing? What's up?

Shalek, what's up? Your story is absolutely incredible. Do you ever sit on a park bench and talk about how life's like a box of chocolates. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. It's something that I've never done before with anybody in the history of the show. But I'm going to pick up the tab on this.

I want to see if the great people over at Ways to Well can possibly zip something into you that might be able to help you or give you some type of relief. We are friends with the great people at Ways to Well They provide unbelievable miracle-like health care to people. And we're going to see what happens. Probably not much since your neck's been broken as fuck for like 30 years.

They said I'd never walk. Now I can sprint and jump for like 90 seconds. Don't do that. Stop doing that right now. I listened to them and I sat in a bed for a decade. Now I get up every day, yes. Don't break your neck again, motherfucker. I'd be in a cage right now if I wanted that.

I get a little taste of that again. but I'm not that retarded. Oh, not that. Can you... You are that retarded. You're allowed to say... Just because my mother drove the short bus. Hold on a second.

Tadpole, did you point at me and withhold from saying it? Because if so, that's very, very funny. I... Oh, never mind. I was giving you credit for a really great... I would never do such a thing. All right, you were funny. You got some merch there.

I got some merch there. I got some merch. What? I see your tadpole on your fucking shirt, right? Oh, yeah. This is my breast cancer charity, You already have a tadpole for humanity. You have a... What?

Habitat pole. Oh, it's... For human titty. For human titty. Human titty. For human titty. Yeah, well... That's great.

Tadpole! Tadpole. You're a wild boy, Tadpole. Oh, thank you. You live here in Austin now? No, I'm about 300 miles away. Okay. Where are you? Up near the Oklahoma border.

Alvard, Decatur area. Okay. On the way to Wichita Falls. I'm not really there, but I'm there. Okay. Could not, should I, I thought. I was in LA for 20 years, the whole world shut down, everyone got R-Re-Re, and then I was like,

ah, my brother's got a house I could live in the basement. That makes sense. Yeah, the basement's nice. Do you have a girlfriend, a wife? No, they won't touch me. What are you talking about? You're not interested in the ladies? Oh, I didn't say that.

Put them words in my mouth, bro. Put them... Did I say that? I said that. You didn't say that. I didn't say that. Uh, have a table for humanity, bro. I love it.

I'm trying to save all the tities. What do we doing? We're chopping them off and stuff. Get the fuck out of here. He's doing that. No mas. Titas delitas. Cut it the fuck out. Cut it out.

Cut it out. Cut it out. What are we doing? You ever been in the military? No, my whole family. I wasn't brave enough. Oh, okay. I wrote jokes and dribbled a basketball for my life.

I was pretty privileged. You were good at basketball? Yeah, I had, you know, a little jump shot. Yep. A little bit of a grill in. I can't understand what you're saying. Nothing. Tedpole triplet, we are going to get your contact information.

We're going to try to see what ways to well can possibly maybe do for you. They pull off miracles, but nothing's guaranteed. Here's a big joke book. You got that. Want me to get it in the hoodie? Don't hit him in the neck. Got it. Head pole tripp.

Shane Gillis, going, P. Brought to you by Bud Light. Everybody, here comes Gordon Dixon. Make some noise, Austin. Let's go. I'm 41. If that last dude with 46, he is fucked up, bro. He got a knee brace from sucking dick. Dad, fuck that guy, man.

Thank you, thank you. Homeless, dude. Anyway. I'm a 40-year-old comic. I hang out with 20-year-olds. I went to a strip club the other night. They were all making a rain, and I tried to pay for my lap dance with a checkbook, and I knew I was all.

Exactly. Half of y'all don't know what checkbooks are. Fuck all young people. Yeah. The stripper was like, hey, I want to make it rain. You're going to make it a rain? I'm like, how you spill candy? Would an I eat or a white?

How do you spell this? It's all right, yo. It was 12,000. It was a bounce check. She's never going to pass that check. Fuck, y'all. That's cool. I'm celebrating my eighth year out of the service,

so I'm having fun. I'm fucked up. Right now, thank y'all. You don't have to clap. All right, you don't care about people in the church. Thank you, thank you. I served as you, I served as United States Jehovah's Witness, so for, yeah, exactly.

This is a rough night. Fuck y'all, all right, this. You guys like handicapped people more than you're like half black people. Fuck y'all, man. Name is Gordon Dixon, my name is. There you go. All right, I'm fucked up.

Thank you. Gordon Dixon. Damn it, Joe Rogan. All right. Gordon, how are you? Yes, I'm good, man. You've been on that show before? Yeah, I've been on a couple times.

This time you're a little fucked up? Yeah, I just got off work. Yeah, I worked next door. It's my fault. What did you drink exactly? What did you do, Gordon? Every shot people bought me, right? There's some people that bought me shot.

There's another guy who bought me a shot. Yeah, fuck that, man. It's Austin, man. It's weird out here. You have to get fucked up. No, you don't. All right, that's what I was told when I moved out here. All right, they fucking lied to me.

My bad. All right. Gordon, you're kind of trash. Shane, you missed a lot. He did, man. I'm glad Shane missed it. I'm sorry, Shane. It's all right.

Gordon. I know. I had to guess how many shots you did tonight before tonight said. How many would you guess? Just a ballpark. A good strong three. I did a strong three.

Okay. Yeah, a strong three. But I'm old, so I shouldn't do any at all. I should stop drinking at this point, but fuck it. You know what I mean? Austin. All right. Gordon.

I'm going to let you off easy tonight. I'm just going to get you out of here with a little joke book. There he goes, Gordon Dixon. All right. Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. Make some noise for Lindsay Campbell, everybody. Here comes Lindsay Campbell. Here's Lindsay, everybody.

We know Lindsay. Hey, guys. Erica Kirk has been hanging out with Nikki Minaj lately. Have you seen that? She's trying to convince people. that she's not racist. But she does run her fingers through people's hair when she hugs them.

You can tell she doesn't have a single black friend. So anyway, I had a miscarriage like six months ago. days after that my husband was he was fingering me and he got on his hand what Google told us is gray pregnancy matter relax guys

at least he got to hold our baby wow wow wow wow wow Wow, wow, absolutely incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsay Campbell, I loved it. Thanks, Colin. I love you, too. You read Ben. We know you well, Lindsay. You are married to the adorable little William Montgomery-looking character,

a little chubby chair of boy. The fans probably remember and know. So that's real, huh? Yeah, Trey Campbell, Dr. Pepper's. We got married on May 3rd, 2025. Hell yeah. Amazing. How's that going? Good? It's going fucking awesome. I just keep bringing animals into the house, and he just keeps trying to get rid of them. But going well other than that.

What kind of animals? What are we talking about? We're up to five now. We have two dogs. We have two cats, and we have a snake. Wow. Okay. Hell yeah. What the fuck did she point at you when she said snake? That's a good question. Yeah, she pointed a red band. Point it right at you, bro. What? I don't remember. I was drunk. What happened? It's not a penis thing, I promise.

I was talking about my snake, and you told me that if I ever brought it into Mitzis, that you would, like, throw the bag against the wall? Throw the what against the wall? You were drunk. I said I was going to bring a snake in a bag and have him touch it without him knowing. You got drunk and said you were going to kill her snake.

Those of you that wonder what red bands like after the show. What a real. Jack of shit. Real hoot nanny. I'm going to kill your snake. I love it. Lindsay, what do you do for work? I'm a bellboy now.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I work at a hotel. I make tips, so I offer to give people ice, unless they're Mexican, then I offer to abolish it. Wow. You're hilarious. Thank you. You're a real comedian, Lindsay.

Thanks, Tony. I love that. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about? I just got a job for the first time in, like, six months. That fucking sucks. Yeah. That's the bellboy thing.

Yeah, it's the bellboy thing. And then we got our dog spade, so she has a tattoo now. It's a swastika. It's because she's a German shepherd. Hell yeah. Sorry, Tony. That's amazing. No, I scale from one to ten, I give that joke a nine.

Thank you. Nine, nine, nine, nine. There you go. A little fucking alley-oop there. I like that. Whoa, those are my balls, Shane. No way. I would never do that.

Shane just tap my balls. No, I did not. Yeah, you did. You win. Hey, dude. Ravim. Lindsey, we love you. A great set.

Here's a big jobo. Thank you. Check out her. What? Check out her cupcake. She always gives us cupcakes. Oh yeah, that's the cupcake lady. Hell yeah.

Obviously getting high on our own supply. Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode this has been. I mean, holy shit. Gillis, Lingen Financial Field, July 17th, Rogan of the JRE. There's only one way to end an episode like this. William Montgomery is already off on Christmas break. However, there is a young man whose dream it is of one day being a citizen of the greatest country on earth, the United States of America. But for now he remains the Estonian assassin.

This is R.E. Mati! So everyone's terrified of AI, it's coming. Like what do you do for work, sir? Pest control business. You have like six months left. See, the secret is you got to get a job that even AI doesn't want to do. Like roofing. Dude, under the Texas sun, even AI is like,

like, um, Miguel. Miguel. Miguel, get up there. It's too fucking hot. My batteries are overheating. This is fucking ridiculous. This is inhumane. I don't know about stand up.

I'm not sure. I think AI is too algorithmical to do stand up. Too perfect. People don't relate to perfection. People relate to mistakes. AI ain't about that life. AI ain't going to say the N-word. AI ain't going to show his dick to the comedy club waitresses.

I will. AI stand-up is going to be all algorithms. AI stand-up is going to be all algorithmical, you know. Like, oh, I'm almond milk. How could they be milk? They don't have nipples. Bullshit. Also, if AI's so smart, how come every time I try to log into a website

and to make sure I'm not a robot, they ask me to identify three traffic lights. in the picture. So you're telling me AI sees this puzzle. So it gets flustered by so it gets flustered by traffic lights, but what the fuck is a waymo? That's my time. Thank you, guys. Two minutes, 45 seconds.

Working overtime tonight. And without a doubt, the best side of the night. This is incredible, are you, Maddie? You've done it yet again. I kind of fucked up the order of the joke. Fuck. There's a whole different order, you know, when you just have to fucking... Yeah, no one even... No one even noticed.

Thank God. Only you know. That's what's great about this. The order was totally fucked up. Was there a callback that got left behind? There was everything that was undone and the ending was solved. It worked out great, man. Fucking amazing.

What I love about this set, because it was so brilliant, so topical, so funny, such great delivery, so crisp, and yet I'll give a little behind the scenes inside scoop that I normally don't. normally don't really ever do which is that when we were flying back from that gig on Sunday I said by the way Monday's gonna be fun Rogan Gillis and you go fuck I've got nothing new yeah so I'm just curious is that did you just fucking cook that up in the past 36 hours or what yeah I went to some terrible gigs yesterday and I just bombed with it but But I knew it was logical, and if I get in front of a crowd that likes me, I knew,

you know when you're bombing and you're like, you know when you're bombing and you're like, well, somewhere there will be laughter. The sun will rise in the future. What I love about that, two minutes, 45 seconds. You wrote that in 36 hours. We had a guy on stage earlier that's been doing it 39 years. And his minute wasn't nearly as strong. Yeah, that sucks about stand-up.

Like, um, he left with a, with a, with a, with a, with a diagnosis of stem cells, uh, that's why I wouldn't laugh about that pole, dude. Yeah. No, I, I, can for real kill you. Yeah, without a doubt. All right. Yeah. Unless you touch him at all. And then in which case he will fall apart immediately.

That's why like when I did MMA, it was so cool to find out real quick if you got it, you know. Yeah. Not a lot of people know that. Ari Maddie, who's a professional fighter, O-N-3. O-N-3 career, but he knows that a shadow box. O-N-3, real bad, yeah. I just don't have it. He's undefeated against the shadow.

The shadow gets fucked up every day, Joe. Yeah. That's what we call Dedrick Flynn behind the scenes. Ari, what else is going on, man? You're killing it. I don't know. I've been watching this series called Spy. Spy Ops? Have you guys seen? Have you watched Spy Ops? Amazing. I love the Mossade.

Wow. Israeli Secret Service. Tell us. Okay. Tell us more. I will. See, like usual secret service, CIA, MI6, they gather information and then they killed the guy. Like with cyanide or they poison the soup. Nobody even knows what happened. happened. Mossad gathers no information and they just blow up the whole building. Mosar always has civilian casualties. But then always they're like, well, statistically, you know. Dude, there's this one episode. Okay, there was this one episode. They were after a guy who's a Palestinian terrorist member of the Black September.

They did Munich. Remember Munich, the big one? Until, yeah. Worst thing to happen on German soil to Jews, you know. So they're after one of the leaders, okay, and they find him in Oslo, Norway, disguised as a pizza delivery guy. Great disguise for a terrorist. You have a bicycle, bring, bring. You got some pizza boxes filled. with fucking C4, you know. You're meeting creepy guys in the alley.

You're a fucking pizza guy. So the Mossad tracks this guy down. They pull up him in a car in Parliament Square, downtown Oslo, blow his head off with a shotgun. Brains go flying into the guy's friend's hands. They collect the brains, you know. The Mossad disappears. Successful mission, you would think.

six months later they find out wrong guy regular pizza guy imagine you're at the funeral imagine you're at the funeral and your parents are like what did my son do black September

but of course see but the downside about the Mossad is they always get caught how those guys got caught is after they blow the guy's head off, they took the car back to the rental agency. That's how Jews get caught, the deposit. Jesus, God. Are you, Maddie?

They should have, uh, they should have kept that. You ever see the movie Munich? It's about that. It's about the massage tracking down all the guys that did it. It'd be weird if a movie, but... He's so funny if they included that scene. Because the whole time, they're like, man, these guys are so sly and smart. Yeah.

Should have one scene where they're like, there's that motherfucker. Boom. Oh, shit. It was just a guy. Yeah, they had, like, one guy they were after in an apartment building, but they didn't nail which shop, they tried to nail which floor it was on. They're like, the whole building goes. Yeah.

Yeah. They don't give a fuck. The Mossad is crazy, Joe. Don't upset the Jews. Where's that yarmica? Huh? Put it on. What's that? Put it on the yarmica.

No, the yarmica's gone. You threw it out? No, I had it sent away and put on top of my Christmas tree. Guys, anti-Semitism. Oh, there's a KT Yamaka? That's crazy. I get it. Get the fuck out of it. I'm gonna put it on you. No, I haven't...

Yeah, huh? Whoa! Wow. Don't wave like that, Redmond. Oh, my God. Fucking moron. By the way, that guy just went Heil Hitler. There's a guy in the crowd who just went like this.

That's not good. That's not good. Second most Jewish thing Red Band's done this week next to take coupons into a Wendy's with him. No. Shane goes, is that true? He's a Ben Shapiro joke in here somewhere. He's like Ben Burrito. Oh my God.

Ari Maddie, what can I say? The set of the night, the fucking interview of the night. Catch him on Monday, on Netflix. I'm on tour. I'm on tour. Tickets are really low. Riemaddy.com for the love of God. Go to Arimaddy.com.

See this man's full-length set. full length set. You're not gonna fucking believe it. If you love it a minute, you'll love his hour. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. That is indeed Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's a Shane Gillis, look at that. Hell yeah.

Look at that, that's a very nice picture of you. Oh, thanks. Yeah, look at that. Thanks, man. He gave you a little... Put that above your bed. Yeah. Tell the girl, I'll go, look at that.

Don't look at my real face Shane Gillis Ladies and gentlemen July 17th 2026 Mother fucking Lincoln Financial Field the biggest stand-up comedy show

of all time Have about one more time for the motherfucking man himself Joe Rogan next Monday go to Netflix watch the whole goddamn thing tell everybody that you know

watch Kill Tony Once Upon a Time in Texas filmed live at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve, airs on Netflix next Monday. We will not be here on YouTube. We will be only on Netflix, and then back on YouTube the next week. Fuck yeah, man.

We did it. What an episode. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Check out their single Pandemonium, everywhere where music is available, the Kill Tony Band. And we did it, Red Band. Love you guys.

We love you. Catch us on Netflix next week, motherfuckers. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.