KILL TONY - #753 - SAM TALLENT + JIM BREUER

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

Jim Breuer, Sam Tallent, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery,Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED–01/19/2026 Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://bluechew.com with code TONY. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. The comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get up for Tony!

Fucking night of their lives. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? That's the Piltony band. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, nachos, Belgrande, Wavo, rancheros.

The great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the Keys, and this is Dee Madness, live in the flesh. We are back here at the Comedy Mother's, yet again for another episode of the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Blue Chew's, Shopify, Talkspace, and Takovas. We have a great episode lined up for you guys.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. go to Tonyhencliff.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tonyhengecliff.com, get tickets now. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show?

Wow. I mean, what can I say? Every single week, I book this Mamma Jamma, and I don't think it gets much better than this. One of the guests, I've wanted on this show for its 13-year existence, He is all time, one of my favorite comedians since I was a kid and to this day. The other guest is one of our best guests in the history of the show. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time and the other guest for the multiple-eth time.

Make some fucking noise for the great Jim Brewer and Sam Talent. Fucking go, babe. Sam Talent, ladies and gentlemen. Jim Brewer, Jim, have a seat. Have a seat. What the hell is. What is Sam doing? He likes the band.

Sam likes the band. Jim Brewer, your first time in the Kill Tony Universe. Let's fucking go. Hell yeah. I've loved you forever. I'm so excited for you to be joining our silly, silly world that we have here. This is gonna be fun. Hell yeah, it is.

I'm hopped up. We're gonna watch some comedy together. It's gonna be exciting. Sam Talent is back, one of the best in the show's history. Very glad to be back. back. Happy New Year, Tony, and Tony's friend. Congrats. Sam's got his book, his tour, everything. It's not tour when it's every weekend. Please come see me do stand-up, all right? It's just my job.

SamTalent.com for tickets. Jimbrewer.com for the brand new Find the FunnyTor Tour. That's just about to get started here. Jimbrewer.com, B-R-E-U-R. And we are about to have a goddamn blast. Jim, this is your first time, so you might not know. But over 250 innocent souls are stacked in a disgusting bar next door. And they're all crammed in there together. And they're all hoping that this guy with the red hat and little glasses, famous for yo-yoing and having finger skateboards, comes over and says, you're next. You're going to be on the biggest show in the industry. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Wait, that's the dream name right there? Oh, well, yeah.

Yep. What? Yep, that's it. This is what they're waiting for, this guy. I thought he was here to bring Red Band more vapes. I mean, look at this guy. He's got the headset. This is what it looks like when the ball boy

wants to pretend to be the head coach of a football team. You're a gatekeeper. It is. I bet you get so much pussy out of this. It's incredible. Look at him. Look at him. He should be coaching Indiana

in the national championship right now, and instead he's here. He's smiling. Anyway, I pulled their name out. They get 60 seconds. Uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Red band. Great at his job, everybody's so good at his. Very good, red band. Very good. Great stuff. You might want to figure that out because that's your only job. Wow. All right. Me Madness thought it was the sound effects.

While we go wrangle that comedian from the bar next door, we have our newest golden ticket winner here to make just her second appearance ever in the show's history. Her first appearance was New Year's Eve in the sold-out Moody Center arena here in Austin, Texas. This is her first time on the show at the Mothership. Make some noise for her mothership debut. This is Yachau Young, everybody.

One fact about me, I was adopted by a few white guys ever since I came to the United States at the age of 20. Most comedians call themselves comics. I just get called a commie. As an immigrant, the first question people ask me is always, hey, are you here by yourself? Do you have family here? And when I tell them, no, I don't have family here, they always pity me. They say, oh, I'm sorry, you're here alone?

I mean, yeah, that's exactly why I'm here. You think I flew 13 hours all the way across the world so I can see them again? I'm here to get away from them. Hello, America. Thank you. Yeah, chow young. All right, Red Band. Very good.

Red Band has an affinity for tiny Asian women. Dude, in the green room, I thought she was your wife the whole time. Yeah. I'm so sorry I didn't say hello. I'm Samtown. Hey, you did an excellent job. Thank you. Fun times.

Welcome, welcome. Incredible first set at the mothership. We learned a lot about you. Did you really, how did you end up here? Did you really come at age 20? Oh, yeah, I came here for school. Okay. That's not surprising.

What did you study? I study music. Yeah, I love music. What did you study? That is surprising. Yeah. What is it? or something? What did you study musically? Yeah, I like to sing and play some instruments.

Really? What instruments do you know how to play? A guitar, but I'm not too good at it. I'm more like a singer. Really? Yeah. Wow. About like the dragon dance thing. I think you were stalking me on Facebook. What? You were stalking me on Facebook. Weren't that you? No, that wasn't me. That was Joe Coy. Yeah. I love Joe.

Did you get a degree in music? No, no, I don't like school. Ah, you dropped out, the rare Asian dropout. Yeah. That's why she came to America. I love it. So how long did you go to school for? I was a year in Maryland and a year in Florida.

Oh, only the best. We've seen both the jewels in the crown of America right there. Maryland, Florida. You spend a lot of time in Florida, right? I'm in Florida now. Watch it, punk. Oh, sorry. What surprised you about American culture when you came over here? What surprised you? Um, is people eat a lot.

We do eat a lot. Red band. There you go. They need people in the Walmart. They need weird chair just because they're overweight. overweight. Well, quit looking at me. I mean, you just need 50 more pounds and you're on a wheelchair. Wait, wait, which way? Up? I mean, you look like you could be in wheelchair now.

That's what the lady at Delta said this morning. Damn it. So your parents are in China? Yeah, yeah. And they don't know. I do kind of. They really don't know? No, yeah. Really?

Yeah, because they're broke and I don't want to give the money. Oh. Why are they broke? What do they do for work? They're just teachers, small business owners, yeah. Oh, what kind of small business? Like a printer shop. Wow, a Chinese printer shop. Look at that.

Sounds like a front. Yeah. Yeah, it does. I love it. So now you still live in Florida. Oh, I just moved here in Austin. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, Mexico.

All right. Red Bam was really Jones and hit a button this whole time, just scrolling, and then he hit that one. I thought ice was here. I was like, oh, no. Run, run! Ice, more like rice.

Whoa, hey. Right? Yeah, yeah. Hey, come on now. What a show is it? Come on. Come on. Come on.

Kind of show it. No. We're keeping you here. We love you long time. Wow. So you really know how to sing? Can you sing us something? Oh yeah.

Yeah, let's hear something. Something not YouTube copyrighted. You have any like originals or something like that? No, no, it's not. What about like a traditional Chinese folk song? Oh, Chinese song. Yeah. Can you sing a Chinese song?

Yeah. That's what we want to do like the bing bong bong dung You know what I mean we got it he's got the Chinese kit right here Turtle shells It's slower slower that's what it sounds like when you eat a BAC Can you do a cappella? Yeah, I guess I can Okay here she is

She's like literally anything but what you're playing It's a very classic song it's the the moon shows my love to you Okay, classic It's a real panty dropper fellas If you want me to sing or not. You're in the second red band here. I wish I had a knife and I would commit to focus. Now, that's Japanese.

But, and I would have known that if I was red band. Ladies and gentlemen, making her singing debut, Kino with the Solo Spotlight. This is Ya Chow Young, everybody. Thank you. Unbelievable. Red band's crying over here. You moved him.

Look at his face. His entire face is wet. Earning because it's alcohol. He's retarded. Yeah, Chao Young, you are a great addition of the Kill Tony family. Thank you. What a way to start the night. I think you should have stayed in school.

I'll meet you later. All right. All right, there she goes. Make some noise for Yat Chow Young, everyone. And now we go to the bucket. This is a crazy part of the show. I mean, this is the heartbeat of the show. This is what it's all built around

is seeing people, finding people, meeting them, asking them what the hell made them want to do this. This first bucket pool says that it's on the inside, representing the audience. I do believe we wrangled them, correct? Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Tina La Cochina. La Cochina.

I've actually been going through a depression these last six years, you know, since the pandemic. And it started when I lost my dad. Did anybody else lose someone during that time when you couldn't be with your loved ones in their last moments? I am sorry to bring the party down. But I got the phone call and the lady was like, is this, is this Tina? And I said yes. And she said, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your dad has been pronounced dead. And I was in shock and I was confused because my mom pronounces it deadbeat dad.

You guys don't have to feel bad for me. He didn't leave a will, but I did inherit his blue handicap parking tag. So where did y'all part, you know? I do have all his leftover prescription drugs. So if anybody has diabetes or high blood pressure, I'm selling those outside two for five. I guess now that my dad has passed away, I can... All right. Tina La Cuccina, pushing it to the limit there.

Going over her time. Sorry. Unlike her father, who was out too soon. Didn't do the full. Welcome, Tina. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy? Trying, yes. Since the pandemic, yeah.

Oh, okay. So you've really been doing it? I'm trying, yeah. That's the set. that you went with? Oh, you're hands shaking. You're very nervous right now. You're okay, Tina.

Yes, yes. Your dad's looking up at us right now. He's very... You're not wrong. My mom would say the same. He's very proud of you. Okay, Tina, where do you live? I'm from Robstown, Texas.

Okay, all right. Pickers. Okay, all right. That's easy. You really want to like you, you know? I feel bad, man. because she hyped this up, and her cousins are like, you're going to crush it, man, you're going to crush it.

And they're all like, just be cool. She did her best. You did. She's freaking out. Yeah. Yeah. This is... Don't freak out.

It's all good. You crushed it. Yeah. That wasn't easy, and you did a fine job. Yeah. You weren't expecting it pulled. This is the biggest platform in comedy. Of course, your brain's breaking half.

Yeah. Thank you. And did your father really passed from COVID? Yeah. I didn't know you could die of a hoax. Now, look, now, see, you can have that. Put that in the axe. You can.

I'll add that, thank you. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I can't use it, thank God. That's how we got out of paying child support, I think. Okay, now we're cooking. Yeah. Yeah. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

I have two sisters and a brother. All from the same dad. No, they got their own dad. Oh. Was their dad present in their lives? Their dad is alive. Deadbeat to them, but still alive. Yes.

Their dad wear a mask? I don't think we know him. I don't know. Wow. Your mom's a real horror, huh? Says bad taste in people overall, huh? She's alive, and she's watching right now. Thank you.

Mommy! Mama Cochina. Please subscribe. Mama Cochina. Okay, Tina. Are you mom's only fans? What do you do for work, Tina? I'm an educator. I work in education.

What exactly does that mean? An educator. Are you a teacher? Yes. Okay. You call it an educator? Is that to make it sound smarter or something? No, I don't know. I'm very... Who are you educating exactly? I work for a beauty school. I teach cosmetology.

Oh, wow. Wow. A bunch of horse. Boy, oh boy. Every time I ask a question, it gets worse and worse, everybody. I'm an educator. I'm a cosmetology teacher. I killed my own father. I visited him at the hospital, and I put the pillow over his face and suffocated him.

That happened. Wow. Oh, my God. Well, that explains the confident lipstick choice. I like this. Thank you. That's all I have going for me. It's great.

You have a great mouth. Thank you. I've been told that before. Good Lord. I love it. Tina, what's your love life like? I don't have a love life, but I did bring two friends with me.

They're out there. Three-way. Oh. She's famous. Shout out Caitlin, Mr. Windell. She's definitely going to be popular in school. You're going to be the wig mannequin. The cosmetology is full of women.

I don't have a chance. Let me ask you this. The women that want to learn how to do cosmetology, what are they like? It's a tough crowd. Oh, my God. All right. They're all strippers. Very good.

We're covering strippers is what's being implied. Yes. Okay. So what are they like? Tell us about it. My students? My students? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my students are bitches. I, yeah. Okay. There you go. Yeah, I'm trying to get out of the industry and start comedy. Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, boy.

Uh-oh. You don't seem like you're afraid of a challenge. Thank you. I'm trying. Yeah. No, that's cool. So you're doing stand-up in where, the middle of Texas? I am doing stand-up at the Annex,

in Corpus Christi. The annex? The annex. Whoa. That's the best room in Corpus. Yeah. It's above a pizza place, right? No, no.

Below the pizza place. Yeah. Under, yeah, down the street. There's a bunch of tunnels. Yeah, I've been there. Yeah, uh-huh. How often do you perform there? They only let me do it once a month.

Now, why is that? Caitlin. You can ask her. The bar owner is here with me. We don't need to ask the bar owner. No, thank you. I don't need to ask another fucking torta. Why this chick isn't getting spots.

We don't have enough spots to give out. I don't know what you want. No one gives a fuck. Stay in your seat. Tina La Cochina, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. Oh my goodness. A fun fact about me.

I can say the 50 states in alphabetical order. All right. Okay. All right. Just when you thought you couldn't love her more. Yeah. I would ask you to do that, but what's last? What's last?

Last. There's nothing fun about me. There's fun fact? No, Wyoming. What? Yeah. This is brutal. Tina La Cochina, you're the first bucket pool of the night.

Congratulations. You were on Kill Tony. Tina La Cochina, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Sam, you don't have to shake everybody's hand all night. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. Just let him go. Let him go.

There's Heidi. Look at this. Oh, what a beautiful sight on these weary eyes. What a difference a moment makes. From Tina La Cucina to Heidi. Heidi is the final boss of cosmetology school. For those of you that don't know. I also, doesn't Tina La Cucina mean Tina?

of the food? I think so. Tina the kitchen. She's named after her favorite room in the house. All right. We're going to keep moving on. This is a one word name.

Let's see what happens. Make some noise. 60 seconds. Uninterrupted for Fern, everybody. Here comes first. Do female crypts menstruate? I just know they don't fuck a blood like that. My girlfriend has the daddy-dom

little girl kink. If you don't know what that is, that's where sheep or sheep or tithe. she's a little girl. I'm not into it, but I just want to be a supportive boyfriend. But I don't got kids. I don't know what to do. So I just do what my dad did. I get drunk and beat the shit out of her.

We all jerk off in front of our pets. Have you ever came on a cat? Was that it? Have you ever came on a cat? If you think about it, it's just a self-cleaning cum rag. All right. All right. Oh, oh.

Okay. A lot of cat lovers out there tonight. God damn. Now, you don't do a pussy pun right there? A pussy pun? Yeah, you think you'd do something about pussy right there. Oh, I'm trying. I got a lot of cat material dog.

I liked it. I thought the jokes were solid. I liked the quiet confidence, letting it linger. It was nice to see some jokes here tonight. Hell yeah. Yeah. I love your book, by the way. Good read.

Thank you. A lot of white splotches on those pants. A lot of dirt. Looks like the cat's returning the favor, huh? Goddamn right. I got some cat hair on me a bit. Hell. His pants are doing white face for MLK.

That looks like all my neighbors in Florida. It is a Florida look. Where are you from, Fern? Paris, Texas. Okay. Oh, la-la-la. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years, actually, yeah.

Okay, and you've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. It's my third time. Hell yeah. has been going for you, good? It's going great. Just on the grind mindset, working 58 hours, doing comedy

five nights a week, and cuddling with my cats, red band nose. Hell yeah. Cats comedy work, baby. Cat lover, as you could tell by his huge hands, climb, cat hair falling off of him.

Why are you so dirty, though? I'm an iron worker. I built buildings. Oh. Can you put some light on 9-11? Yes, actually. It's my favorite conspiracy. Jeff Fuel doesn't...

I'm kidding, of course. God, yeah. We're on YouTube. We know who did it. Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. Percy. Quank, quen. Burton, tell us something crazy we don't know about you.

From 0 to 17, I could not pronounce the letter R. Yeah, so it was all... It must have been hard to describe yourself. How would you pronounce? What pronounce it? Fuhin. What? What?

Fuin. No R. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We used to know a guy like that. Yeah. So how did you learn how to pronounce our? What speech therapy?

I knew I was going to go to the Air Force. I'm vet. Fuck yeah. One vet. And I knew I couldn't say suea, yes, sue, and get away with it. So I went to speech therapy, fix that shit right quick. How long did it do you do it? take you?

Pretty quick, actually. Yeah, if I could teach you, all you got to do is, like, pick your tongue up to the roof of your mouth. I had the same thing, dude. I also could not say my ours as a little fat boy. And my favorite X-Men was Wolverine. So my mom would have me come in during dinner parties

and be like, Sam, what's your favorite X-Men? And I'd be like, Wolverine, mommy. He was a little fat boy looking like John Popper. It was brutal. I was 82 pounds in kindergarten I was a fatso What did you do to lose the weight? I didn't

You grew into it Yeah, I grew into it You put your bone I'm serious I was 82 pounds of kindergarten I was a fatso dude I know I can relate Thank you We should hug

I was really skinny my whole life Wow Look at that Really hot grew up I was just about to ask you. Anyway. Fern, what's your love life like? Oh, fucking crazy

question. So, I had a chick kind of fuck me up pretty bad. She bought me a plane ticket to Canada. Oh, yeah. And then eight days before, she informed me that I was actually the side piece. Yeah, I'm glad they laughed.

That's awesome. Yeah, what's wrong with that? What's the problem? She was telling me I was not the side piece the whole time. I love blah blah blah all this that and the third I would have been fine just being the side piece just don't fucking manipulate me it's a whole fucked up thing yeah so what you didn't end up going to Canada I did not no but you talked to her like a lot or something you like had feelings for before meeting her yeah she flew down four times and we just basically had sex all day every day

it was great yeah yeah three times a day just fucking getting it I earned that plane ticket god damn it don't buy a dog okay So you didn't think just to keep that on the side and be the side piece for you and then, you know, try to find another girl? I mean, it just genuinely fucked me up. I didn't eat for five days. Then I got on Talk Space, promo code, Space 80.

That's right. You know what I mean? Help me out of it. And now, like, I'm kind of talking to women right now, but I'm just comedy work cats, dog. You're a catch, man. You're a handsome young man. You have a swaggerty.

You're covered in Robin Williams' ask hair. You're a steel worker, you know? Sir. You're funny? Go get some of that sweet tail the kids are talking about. Yes, sir, I will. Mike's been plowing through it. I mean... He's a handsome guy too.

He leaves the hat on. Wow. I like that. See, she really damaged you, this Canadian catfish. Yeah, she was hot. How long ago was this? Uh, seven, eight months ago. Have you been on dates since then?

Yeah, two catfishes. One. It's an internet term for being lied to about who's coming. They know that I'm pretty sure it's one of the big girls from Corpus Christi over there. It's one loud table of tortoise over there. If we could quiet them down, they're still chiming in. This is the big city to them, Corpus Christi people. So they're having a real hoot-nanny tonight.

I'm sure they had margaritas at the iron cactus before this and are lit right now. What? Asking their own questions. So give us an example of one of these recent catfishes. You're on like an online dating site and what happens exactly. Because all I think about is like, she's like,

Did you hear me? He was talking to me. See, I'm killed Tony. You're an asshole. What are you talking to? in it. Sorry. Back.

You're good. Back. Yeah. Sorry. We love it. Do you want to have sex with any of these ladies over there? Oh, I wasn't talking to you.

Jesus. I'm going to have to drum off for some pussy. So it was like just a girl with a filter and she ended up being big? Always 80 pounds plus. So how old are these fucking pictures? Are you going to their house? Are you meeting them for coffee? Where are you realizing that you got catfished?

Yeah. I've actually started a thing now to where I wait in my car and be like, fuck. You're just watching them enter, like a fucking Italian mobster ready to do a hit. Yeah. They never leave the canoli. One time I showed up relatively early, I told the bouncer, I was like, hey man, if you see this chick, you know, like thumbs up, thumbs down with the ID. And he's like, I got you. She was already inside.

I was like, shit, all right, so I walk inside, she's holding food. I'm like, God, damn. Oh, my God. Like, the problem continues, so I'm debating, do I just leave? What the fuck do I do? So I go to the bathroom, call my homie, I'm like, what would you do? And he's like, I don't have the balls to leave, but if you do, that's wild. And I was like, bet.

So I like walk out the other way trying to hit the door, and like, as soon as I get here, she's like, hey, and I'm like, fuck. Oh, man. So I'm sitting down, chit-chatting with her, trying to be polite, and then a spam call calls me, and I'm like, oh, hey, mom, got to go. And I fucking bill. Wow, you used a phone call from your mom to get out of it.

I was looking for anything. When you said it was a spam call, did she say, aw-ph? Because spam is a greasy food. SamTalent.com. You're like a son-in-law. Seriously, though, dude, I worry for my... You are a father's nightmare.

Thank you, sir. Dad, I'm getting married. All right. This is my fucking nightmare. I don't know. She's in Canada. I'm back. I'm waiting outside the pub.

You gotta love him, dad. There was this one time I went on a date. Oh, I love this. Fern's the Catfish Adventures. No, there's so fucking many. Wait, wait, before you tell the story, her last name wasn't Brewer, was it? No.

Okay, all right. I would have kept that one. I show up, she's, like, the dimensions of a toilet paper roll. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's bad. She's celebrating her birthday with her friends downtown, invited me out. I was like, fuck it.

One of her friends goes, you were on Kill Tony. Ah. And I go, yes, I was. And she gets up and sits next to me. And then the catfish had to watch me date her friend. For how long, just the night? Yes, yes, she watched it all night. And then we started hooking up a little bit.

That was fun. And then that was the relationship before the Canadian. Look at that, Kill Tony, Changing People's Lives. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. You already have a big joke book? Yes, sir.

Well, there you go. There he goes. Fern, everybody. Thank you, John. Fern. One name Fern. There goes Fern, everyone. Thank you, Fern.

Sam, you don't have to do that. All right. Okay. Your next bucket pool. We know this guy. We've known him for a long time. Make some noise for the great Hank Garza, everybody, with a new minute.

It's Hank. Big Hank. Guys, believe it or not, I was actually born prematurely. My dad came quick. It's crazy. The other day, I was out in public with my dog and it took a shit and I didn't have a bag

and I did that move, you know, and I was like, man, is this what white guilt feels like? Having to make excuses for animals? All right, you're going to love this next one. I've been really working on this impression. Here, I'm going to hit you with it. Oh, yeah, boss. They look like a skinny Mexican

and they talk like a hoyo, yo, yo, yo. Yo, that's the Japanese scene the Navajo Code Talkers for the first time. A little history for your ass. Before I was a dad, I was a drug addict, and I thought I was going to be a terrible father. So I found out that being a drug addict and being a dad,

Zags ain't fucking life. I'll end it at that because it goes pretty deep. That's been my time. Thank you so much. Okay. Hank. What are the things that it has in common? What's dad in...

Well, for one dog, you're always broke. Right. Crazy. But I'm not spending money. on eight balls and hotel rooms. Now it's like diapers and strawberries. It's crazy. See, I used to have to test all my shit for fentanyl

because that's how crazy it got. And when I would see that line, I was like, damn, I gotta sell this to somebody else. There you go. I like that. Hank. Now it's my kid's diapers, bro. It has a blue line, and it's either piss or shit.

You don't know which one it is. And I'm like, fuck. I wish it was. What's Fenton? Yeah. What's up, Tony? Hi, buddy. I love it.

You should have done that minute instead. That was a good minute. No, I should have. My bad, my bad. Yeah, that's all right. Rock solid. Rock solid. Thank you, sir.

Your best performance, I think, ever since you started stand-up. We were all there when you started a few years ago. How's it been going on? It's been going great. It's been going great. Just chasing this shit. I'm a loser, so I can't do anything else, so I cannot fail at this. So I'm just showing up.

and even if I'm just showing up, dog, and just learning from you guys and just trying to get better. That's it, dude. I love it. I love it. You seem happy. Kids are good.

Kids are great. Yeah. Yeah, kids are great. Their dad's present now. I'm not all fucked in the head. And like, just, yeah, man, it's crazy. I love it. How did you, what helped you quit drugs?

I got addicted to stand up. Okay. Like, straight on. I got addicted to chasing that high of just watching these fucking strangers just look at me. What drugs were you doing? Bro, at the end, it was everything. Well, it was like, at the end, it was a lot of opiates.

Okay. Yeah, but if I had a... I love Coke. All right. I love cocaine. Wow. Both those things are a lot more fun than stand-up. I know, I know, but it's terrible on your health.

Well, I mean, so is stand-up. Look at me. I guess so. I guess so. I'm 23. I know. I lost 100 pounds. No one believes me.

Yeah. I've lost one. And I hate when people always, like, try to find a cop out for whenever you lose weight. They're like, hey, was it your thyroid? The fucking thighs rubbed. They didn't roared. I feel like Byron. Now, what other things about weight loss are funny?

All right, Sam. Stick it over here. Okay. Keep it around here. Yes, sir. You married, too? Yes, sir, 13 years. Solid wife.

So your chick was there when you were nuts of? Nuts. Crazy. Wow. Yeah. Stuck through it all. All right. That's a down.

Straightened you up, didn't she? Hell yeah. She ain't no Tina Cochina. Big Hank with the callback cranked it deep, deep, left center and it's a home run. Got it. Hank, what else is going on in life?

Anything else? Yeah, man, a huge shout out to the riot Riverwalk. They made me a door guy there. They took a chance on me. So if you're ever in San Antonio, the Wright River Walk come down, we have solid comedians out of San Antonio, trust me. But they took a chance on me, and I can't think of them enough. I love it.

Well, great performance. Here's a big joke book. Bing Bong, the great. Hank Garza, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along here. Ye-hoo! This podcast is sponsored by Tukovas. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots.

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Dave Lits, everybody. Here he is. Hey everybody, walk, walk, walk, wako. Nanu, nanu. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer by having her pancreas cut out. That's right. Yeah, my mother-in-law was born in Sindai, Japan,

And in Japan, they don't have the same diseases that we do. They don't have the same health problems. They don't have pancreatic cancer. So they gave her two choices. They were like, you can either live and we cut out your pancreas, or you keep your pancreas in and you die. So she was like, I want to leave. So they cut out our pancreas.

So she now has a permanent insulin pump and type 3 diabetes, which I like to call triabedes. But so in one woman, my mother-in-law, the Japanese cured pancreatic cancer, they invented a cyborg, and they perfected triabetes. So, you know why is Japanese can't keep a secret? Because they're always spilling their guts.

You see that? All right, Dave Leif. And I'll be done. Okay. Welcome to you. to dying parent night here on Kill Tony. This is very, very, everyone's very dark tonight. Everyone's, every parent is kidding. D. Madness is pissed.

Every two seconds, he's, he's starting crack, he's going, phew, here. Yeah. At the setup, you were rolling your eyes. Yeah. D madness can tell when someone's bombing. He doesn't need to see it. He can hear it.

Dave, welcome. I really don't get it. Your mom's Japanese or she lived in Japan? I said she was my mother-in-law, Tony. Oh, your mother-in-law. How dare you, Tony? Hard to keep track. My mom's Tallahassee-Lassie.

So she's a seminal. All right. Okay. I didn't know they had gay Nazis. This is incredible. I thought all that were gay. I think Nazi fascism is gay altogether. Hell yeah.

Is that a, you have a gem attached to your cheek? Dermal Anchor, yeah. A friend of my invented it. It's called a Dermal Anchor. A Dermal Anchor. It's an anchor and you're sinking. Every time. Yeah, my dad was in the Navy, so I'm used to it. Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Dave Litts? I just got a job at P. Terry's. I literally have one of the greatest jobs on the planet. So P. Terry's is 100% here in Austin and it's 100% beef. It's one of the greatest jobs I've ever had. Make sure you get that in when you get out there.

Forget if the jokes don't work. Get that in that. I started talking to my manager. I would like to do a Monday where we actually feed all the comics. There's like 300 comics. Most of them are homeless people. They would love to have some hamburgers. I think it would be a real good night. So you just work a normal P. Terry's.

You're not the manager or anything? No, man. My wife's the number one recording artist from the Gold Coast of Australia. Okay. My wife's name's Mia Mews. What'd she play? Did you redo? Every day.

Yeah, with her hoo-ha. Is that funny? Mia M-I-A-M-U-Z-E. Go to the foreign babe folder read then. Yeah, they say Z-D in Australia. It's pretty fun down there. I actually got to be locked down in Australia during COVID, and then when they finally let me leave,

they kicked me out for three years. It was great. What do you mean they kicked you out for three? Because I overstayed my visa, because I was there on a vacation visa, because they shut down the airport. When I was leaving the country legally to come home, they said I could not return for three years because I overstayed my visa during COVID.

Wow. You made people fight each other in the back of the room. People are... This is awesome, man. People, I don't make anyone fight here. They just do that. That happens when you step in homeless. So Mia Mews is the breadwinner,

and you are the hamburger winner. 100%. And what does she think about you working at a fast food joint? She's in Australia right now. She doesn't have to worry about what I do. Okay. She's in Brisbane right now. She's performing.

She does a lot of radio gigs, stuff like that. Does she have part sad too? I don't know. No, I'm here. I moved here. I live on Ben White and Bannister. Wow. Direct cross streets, ladies and gentlemen.

If anybody's looking to hire Dave Litts, just take a megaphone to. Walk downtown every day and do open mics every day, sometimes five to seven a day. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 30 years. 30 years? Is that what you just said? Hold on. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Dave, over here. Do not talk to them. Dave, over here. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.

That's amazing. Dave. Shut the fuck up and look at me. 30 years, Tony. I did it in high school. I actually got suspended from school. for doing a joke. Okay.

Stick with me, Dave. Over here. I need you to focus. So have you been performing at that rate that hard for that long? You've been working hard at this for over 30 years? I got here from St. Louis where I was performing at the Funny Bone. I just got in with the Improop Group at the... What were you doing at the Funny Bone?

Featuring for somebody? I was trying, yes. What do you mean trying? You have to show up and do open mics. So you did open mics at the Funny Bone. Okay. at the funny bone every day. What's the biggest gig that you've done

in the 30 plus years? Cruise lines. Cruise lines. Not really big. How long were the sets that you were doing on cruise lines? Oh, an hour long. I bet people were teeping anchors

to themselves on those cruise lines. Jumping off. Oh, my. Yeah, they have a comedian song cruise line. You're my favorite person of the planet. I can't believe I'm this close. You're the best. Like, you guys have been doing stand-up

of the same length of time. You probably did open mics with them 40 years ago. I've never done one with you though, Tony. Oh, oh. You be careful. I might bite that gem right off your cheek. Keep flirting with me. To get that close.

You're not Joe Rogan, bro. I don't know what that means. Anyway. So do you- You don't have ninja. skills. Joe Rogan has like... Okay, all right, Dave, you're retarded. Stick with me here.

How long have you been... Dave, stop just yapping. Listen, focus on... Be present, Dave. You're rambling over there. How long have you been married to this lady? 12 years. And you got married in Australia. Where'd you meet her? Colorado Springs.

At a show? Were you at one of her shows? I was shooting laser beams on top of a nightclub, and she was performing. Oh, she's not real. Yes, she's really a famous musician. Is she also a student of beekeeping and medication? She does. She actually has, she studied beekeeping at a Buddhist temple.

And she has her own beehives. She actually... What, find her Tinder? Well, I'm not gonna be keeping you here any longer. How about that? Here's a... Here's the... Here's the little jokebook.

There you go, buddy. Bing bong. What a freak, man. Unbelievable. What the hell that was going? I don't know what that was. I'm like, what's the biggest gig you've done in your 30-plus long-year career? He's like, I did the funny bone recently.

I'm like, what did you do? He's like an open mic. Yeah. You could do that that night. You could start that day and do an open mic at a funny bone that night. Nothing prevents you. Three decades plus of attempting stand-up comedy,

the biggest thing he's done is something that fucking Tina Cochina could do. It's unbelievable. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Who knows? This guy could be doing it for the last 90 years. Yeah, he's a vampire.

Make some noise for Trevor Lewis, everybody. Here we go. In my experience, black people, listen, are less uptight about race than white people are. You feel how tense the white people are? I used to drive DoorDash in a ski town and let's be honest, not a lot of black people ski. So I was driving DoorDash. This is a true story. And I pulled into a busy parking lot at the base of the ski village to drop off an order. and I called up my guy.

I said, hey, I got your food. I'm pulling up. I'm in a silver Nissan rogue. And he said, all right, I'm black. I found him. I was surprised he said that. But he was being helpful. Actually, he was more helpful than I was

because there were more silver Nissan rogues than black people in that parking lot. Wow. You must have been to stand up 500 years. This is incredible. Written material, smart, topical, well-executed, edgy but not sad as fuck. Not a single dying family member or cancer reference

or depression or pandemic or white guilt. None of these things. You don't have a dipshit haircut? Yeah. No gems hanging off of your feet. Yeah. Your bones aren't pierced. Yeah. What the hell?

Shocking. What a relief. Welcome, Trevor. Thank you. How long you've been to one stand-up? One year. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's clone him and make 30 of him and kill Dave Litts. I think Dave's going to do it himself. He's been doing it 30 years until tonight.

Yeah, good work, corky, man. That was good. Thank you. How old are you? I'm 26. All right. Amazing, Trevor. Wow.

You've been doing it one year. What made you want to start stand-up a year ago? Okay. Well, honestly, I moved here. After college, I wanted to be an independent filmmaker. And I was grinding away writing screenplays, faced writer's block, but I was going to shows around here, shows at the mothership.

And I was like, I can get up there. I can do that. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Amazing. And you've been working hard at it? Oh, yeah, really hard. You love it.

I love stand-off. You're addicted to it now, and filmmaking is kind of... Oh, it's gone. Right. Incredible. How are you making money to survive in the meantime? I wait tables. Nice.

Absolutely. Doing what you got to do. Yes, sir. Is the great... Not Otis Redding. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Shen Yun. What is it?

Was it Shen Yun? No. Nina Simone. Do what you've got to. Do do do do do do do do Yeah, I know that one. All right, Nina Simone? You don't know that.

Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter. Jesus Christ. Okay, did you really do DoorDash in a ski town? I did. Okay, what ski town was that? Vale, Colorado. Did you go to school there?

Where were you doing there? During COVID, I took a gap year there. Ski bum. Nice. Hell yeah. All right. Trevor, what's your love life like? To be determined right now.

Okay. You never had sex? I have had sex. Yeah. All right. That was a good question. I didn't want to ask it. I didn't want to be disrespectful.

No. Could be my son. It could be. You've been on the room a long time. Long time, bro. Long time, bro. You have a regular girl that you hang out with? So I met a girl at my restaurant.

She came in to eat. Oh, yeah. We hung out a couple times. You were shooting lasers at her or something like that. Keep going. Yeah, she came in to eat with her parents. Uh-huh. And she had just moved here.

Uh-huh. Bought a house. Was asking me all these questions about Austin. And I became, like, the guy who answers the questions. Look at you. Yeah. And then what happened? And then we exchanged contact information.

And I was like, I think you're cute. You want to go out. Then we went to a show at the creek in the cave. Ooh. And then hung out a couple times since. She's been in Thailand for three weeks. Ah. Getting the surgery.

Ooh, la la, ha. Indeed. Hell yeah. It's a special girl. That's good. She really likes me. Yeah, and you met her parents already. That's cool.

Incredible. You're never going to see her again. It's possible. You don't need her now. You were funny here for a minute. You're great. You have any hobbies, any things that you're into, like Pokemon or something? Minecraft?

I like to read. Oh, yeah. Of course he does. Wow. Yeah, I'm reading a book by Frederick Jameson right now on postmodernism. It's pretty cool. Wow. Yeah, there is.

No, this is who I want, marrying a daughter. This is the dream. He's always having. Yeah, this is what I'm doing. And I'm going to do it. And everything's great. I'm going to do it. One year.

One year. And he knows he's crushing. I love this guy. Set her up. Set her up. Yeah. If I had a daughter, I'd also want her to marry a gay virgin. That would be optimal, sir.

Yes. If he walked through the door just like that, like, oh, my God, thank you, God. You don't even have a penis. Welcome here. No, you do, right? Other than reading, Dave. I mean, Trevor, other than reading, what else are you into?

When you let your hair down, when you want to get a little wild, what does a guy like Trevor Lewis do? Yeah, so I've always been an athlete, so, I mean, I grew up playing football. I was really competitive. Wow, where did you grow up exactly? In Virginia, outside of D.C.

Wow. Incredible. And you're a football player. I was a football. Was it a town of little people or something? Was it like Munchkin Land? I just believed in myself a lot. Wow.

What position did you play? I was a quarterback. Wow. Look at you. Absolutely incredible. My God. He set the passing record at Middle Earth High. Stand up next to me.

How tall are you? Oh, yeah? Middle up, ladies and gentlemen. I'm one of the big ones. Look at that. Every great quarterback needs an offensive lineman next door. I got your blind side, buddy. Absolutely.

I don't know how comfortable I'd feel, honestly. No one asked. Welcome to show business, kid. Hell yeah. Incredible. So did you have a lot of black players on the team? There were a lot of black players. And you would throw the ball to them

because they're good at running and catching, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Did they, was there a backup quarterback? I was the backup. Oh. Did not see that coming. If you had to describe what the starting quarterback looked like, how would you describe him?

Caleb Williams. Okay, can you use some more... Like his name was Caleb Williams. It was Caleb Williams? The actual Caleb Williams was the starting quarterback. The quarterback of the Chicago Bears? The quarterback of the Chicago Bears. Was the quarterback ahead of you?

No, he was a freshman. Right. But he started over you. Put the team. Oh, wow. Incredible. Boy, oh, boy. One moment, he's a super athlete from Virginia.

The next you realize, fucking nothing. Absolutely nothing. You have the same sports history as Dave Litts and his face gem. Wow. Are you still friends with Caleb Williams? I was never friends with Caleb Williams. Great guy, though. Great guy though.

Bad rap. Bad rap in what way? Do you see in Twitter? No. Tell us about it. We're not looking. We're not searching. We're not searching our high school bullies on Twitter.

Or our crushes. Okay, so... Now you get your revenge. No, no, no. Being totally straightforward, he is such a great guy, man of really high character. But people on Twitter give him a hard time for the painted nails,

and I think that's unfair. Well, pain and nails ain't nothing when you're girls in Thailand for three weeks, buddy. Trevor, very, very, very great set. Very great interview. You're present. You're aware. You're funny.

Keep it up. Nothing can stop up. Trevor Lewis, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. That's how it's done. He wrote. He took his time. He performed.

He executed. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health. From the big milestones to the quiet wins. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkout. that provides a clear picture of your health today, and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer.

A healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. And here we go with one of our regulars, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time. You know him. You love him. He's known as the Dark Storm of Atlanta.

Let's some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. It's so good to be back home. My God, I hate flying. I'm scared of it, and that's not an irrational fear, and I'm tired of people bully. We're not supposed to be up there, all right? We're not supposed to be up there, and if we were supposed to be up there,

then why did God invent gravity? All right? God wanted us on this ground, not in the air. If he wanted us in the air, he would have made us angels, but we're not supposed to be up there. We're defying God. All right, we are defying God being up there. And I'm not religious, but when that plane start turbulizing, nigger, I believe in God.

When the plane got tuberculosis, nigger, you need, oh, our father who out in heaven, how low be that name? You know, I can't, I took my first private jet, right? And I didn't pay for it. Tony did, it was Tony's plan. I was going to open up for Tony. And I could tell y'all this. Fuck little planes, all right?

Fuck little plane. We're not supposed to see the captain. All right, that's what I... We're not supposed to see the captain the whole time. I'm supposed to be in 30F, nigga. I'm not supposed to be room in between, because I'm not supposed to hear what they hear or see what they see.

Lying to me over the intercom, all right? I turned around and I looked and I saw the map that they saw with the plane going and the map was red, and we can agree that red mean bad. Red mean bad, and I know red mean bad because the pilot came and he leaned over to us. He was like, hey guys, we're going to get into some turbulent weather. It's going to be really increment, which if people say that, we're going to die.

You know what I'm saying? When you start using big words, somebody about to die. And he was like putting you, make sure you guys are buckled up as if I ever took off my seatbelt. And he was like, y'all, we're going to be fine. But the whole time he was talking, I didn't say nothing because I was scared and I was crying. But I really wanted to say, nigger, get back up there. All right, why are you back here?

This plane take two people. I turn around the pilot doing this with both steering wheel. Thank you all so much that day. Wow. Wow. That's the difference between bucket pools, golden ticket winners, and kill Tony regulars. I mean, it was great.

Absolutely incredible. You keep that pace the whole time when you do like an hour? Are you just banging like that? Yeah. Damn, dude, that's great. It's really funny. You look like both members of Run the Jewels combined. Yeah.

Just that flash shit. I don't know if that's mean, but I love you. I love you, man. That was great, dude. I wasn't sure where he was going. I was a little worried for a second, and then all of a sudden, you're like, I was on the ride with you, brother.

I was right by the guy. I'm with you. I was the horse. Not supposed to see the captain. Just absolutely hilarious. It is strange. You don't really get used to it. No, that's not what you told me when I was crying.

That's not what you told. This nigga Tony is a liar. This nigga Tony is a lie. He's going to look me dead in my face as I'm panicking, and he was like, Dedric, this happens every flight. There is always turbulence. you'll get used to it. It's a jet, right?

He's telling me that, but Ari Maddie is sitting behind that nigger. Eyes like this gripping this. He went him all the time. It don't happen every time. He's scared too. It's not just me. And Ari's seen some shit. Yeah, yeah.

He was gonna, because the sign of my was on the plane. Oh, no. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And then he's gonna tell, He's going to tell me he's like, you're panicking for no reason. I said, nah, nigga, you're not panicking enough because this plane go down.

We're blaming you. All right? We're playing. The people be like a sign of mind. I hate planes. It's a little tricky. It's a little tricky. You can feel the turbulence on a smaller plane a little bit better than a big one.

Better. But it's all. Turbulids isn't bad though. But you're not supposed to feel it like that, like in a little plane. On a big plane, yeah, but you're safe as fuck. Oh, it's so scary. I don't trust you, Red Band. I'm gonna have been on the jet with you.

Great input by Red Band, repeating everything we just said. Amazing stuff. Y'all say that just because you landed safely, but y'all know at that time, because I looked at you, look at me, look at everybody else. We thought we was gonna die. Because we weren't even going nowhere real. We was going to Lincoln, California. Yeah.

I've never heard of Lincoln. Of Lincoln, California, a day in my life. But there's a sense of peace when you think that you're going to die. No. Oh. You've been popping.

I just got started. I'm not supposed to die right now. Yeah. You been... And nigger what money gonna tell me how I'm supposed to feel right now. Well, dude, I was on a private plane with Tim Dillon one time in Europe and we thought we were going to die.

And I just kept thinking about the headline the next day, Tim Dillon and fat prostitute dead in plant. Like, my name wouldn't make the headline. in that instant. It would have been Tony Hinchcliffe and, you know, three-door guys dead. That's what they would have done

to your memory, man. They couldn't even mourn me, man. Yeah. Because Red Band, one time when I was talking to you, didn't somebody die on the flight back from you? Yeah, yeah. I had to fly next to a dead person

next to me for six hours. That was fucking horrible. Yeah, he was on a flight back from London and a guy next to him died. No. Dude. And they tried to, like, do the CPR for, like, 30 minutes, and then they had to drag his money.

I've been sitting next to this guy every Monday for 13 years. That guy couldn't handle 10 fucking hours from the bus. Guys, have any idea how fucking hard this job is? Other people are literally... Instead of watching an in-flight movie, they're like, I'm fucking... Yeah. It's the first suicide in the history at first class. See?

This fucking... I'm so glad to be out of my house tonight. You don't know what's fun of it. Dendrick, what else is going on? You just made your Netflix debut. Yes, I did! They have the... Still in the top 10 on Netflix right now.

I think we're top two. If I'm correct, top two, kill Tony. Something. It doesn't matter. It flip-flops. These women at home have a... They're all watching... Watching a bunch of bitch shit ahead of us. It's a bunch of woman shows.

These moms are all at home with nothing to do. These fucking, anyway. Y'all, that was crazy. 15,000 people was insane. I didn't even know that I had that many fans in Austin. But when they called my name, y'all gave me a steady ovation. And that's why this is my new hometown. I'm renouncing Atlanta, Georgia.

Yeah. The Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Let's go. Dedrick, you did it again. You are unbelievable. There he goes. The future has arrived. Dedrick, motherfucking Flynn.

And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. You know what it is. The lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Mike Holder, everybody. Mike Holder. Here we go. Thank you, thank you very much.

I've got an embarrassing confession to make. I've recently learned that spilling the beans does not mean fumbling a hot Latina. I don't understand these phrases. I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. I just moved there five years ago, and as you can imagine, I've been misgendering people left and right.

It was stuff like that. Until I learn I'll never have to worry about misgendering if I just call everybody my nigger. Makes it a whole lot easier for me. I also learned that in America we don't trust the government. I mean, what kind of government shuts down? And then the Air Force said the freezing Area 51 program, or as I like to call it, putting the aliens on ice.

Has to be the only country in the world where kids have imaginary friends. But how come it's always one imaginary friend? To me, that shows that even in their imaginations, they're still fucking losers. Fucked up. Thank you very much. Wow. Mike Holder with a great set. Thank you.

Amazing. You've been on this show once before? Once before. Heck yeah. I remember you. I remember you because you blend in with the back wall behind you. One of the rare comedians that blend in with the black brick of the mothership. Welcome back, Mike. I mean, night and night difference between this last set that you had tonight and the other one, right? Yeah, I was very nervous.

You fucking crushed right now. Thank you very much. Amazing. Seth. Thank you. How's life been going for you? Remind us. How long you've been on stand up? Coming up on four years.

Four years. All of it here in America? Yeah, three years in Arizona. Three years in Arizona and you've been here for one year. And what do you do for work? What exactly? I used to work in sales. Now I'm just trading stocks.

Trading stocks. Look at you. What are the hot stocks right now? Give us some tips. Oh. Beyond meat. Beyond meat? Beyond meat.

Beyond meat. What? What? Skeptical, but I'm just. Yeah. What do you mean? Tell us what you mean. Beyond Meets is taking off.

Yeah, no, I'm not going to give anybody financial advice. I'm sorry about that, but I can't. Why? I can't. Do you have any insider training you can give us? No.

Or just some money? I'd take some money. That'd be cool. No. I'm not there yet. I'm just starting. Okay. So, are you, where are you from?

Sudan. Sudan. Yes. Wow. That's as much as I knew as well, Jim. Yeah. You got a lot of questions. Yeah.

No, no, no, it's just, you don't see a lot of people from Sudan every day. When's the last time you said, hey, where you from? Sedan. Whenever I'm in Minneapolis. No, that's Somalia. You know, I'm trying. Not too far off. Sudanese, look at these, right?

Tomato, tomato. I love it. What are the Sudanese known for? What's... Generosity. Really? Wow. Wow. In what way? Can you give us an example of Sudanese...

Hospitality and generosity, they were taken almost anybody. They were taking anybody unlike America. Is that true or are you... No, no, no, I'm being honest. Really? Ask anybody. Okay, what else are they known for? Generosity isn't exactly what I was expecting there.

Give me another Sudanese stereotype. Stereotype? You're from there. Remember, this is your country. Yeah. Okay, gossip. Gossip? Yeah.

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible of gossip and backbiting that we're known for. Backbiting? What's that mean? Red band. Red band.

Red band has been home since last time. Yes. He doesn't have much in his repertoire. But it works every goddamn time. I love how he crowbarred it in. He set himself up. Yeah. Do you have family back home?

No, they all left. Great stuff. They all left. It's a war-turned country. It's messed up. Everyone leaves as soon as they can. How did you avoid war there? I got a free green card.

How did you get a free green card? Diversity Visa Lottery. Thank you very much. Wow. What year was that? Early 2020. I came in one day before Trump issued a travel band. Thank God I'm here.

Right. One day. Yeah. Well, that's one way of putting it. And another way of putting it is you got that green card during the Trump administration. Yes. There you go.

Thank you, too. You're welcome, Mr. President. You're welcome. This guy. Thank you. Mention's the travel ban. Doesn't mention that he gets to go to the greatest country on planet Earth.

Very thankful. Very thankful. It's a great chance. Absolutely. Becoming a citizen soon, hopefully. Let's give some credit words to do. I thought you guys were known for your generosity. My goodness. So what's the biggest culture shock for you?

you coming to America? What surprised you about America? Dating. Dating. Pretty weird. Tell us about it. Yeah, because this country is huge, very diverse. Like, just last week, I went out with this real skinny chick. I wasn't sure whether or not she was bulimic. So I took her to in and out. I had to let her make the decision. Turned out she's normal. She's not bulimic, but she's so fucking stupid. I'm sorry, how to say it is she's stupid. Oh, tell us how you know she's stupid. Yeah, how do you know? She's a history major. And she asked me if BCMEs before COVID. Oh my God.

She asked me if bipolar disorder means stripping at two different clubs. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. Too stupid for me. Incredible. That would kill in Sudan. No, we don't have bulimia in Sudan, no. They don't call it bulimia. They just call it being alive. It's very hard, difficult, war-torn. What's your favorite type of woman?

All the diverse choices you have here Whereas in Sudan, I'm pretty sure there was just one thing on the menu there. Yeah, one thing on the menu. But Sudanese women are not too bad, you know? You know what's great about them? They don't show bruises. Oh. So now that you're in America, what's your pick?

Have you tried any of the Latinas, the whites? What are we going with nowadays? Tall whites. Tall whites. Tall women, white women. In South Africans. I don't mind them either, yeah. Yeah, they're tall whites.

There's other types of tall whites here in America, Sam. I'm just saying worldwide, you know. Germans. Germans are tall chicks. Nordics. Strong voice. Who's tight suits and flagged those like a leg of slacken. Have you been with a German woman before?

No. No? Wouldn't want to. I think you might enjoy yourself. Why they say that? I mean, it's different. I'm just saying. Okay.

We'll try it. You'll take your word for it. I'll try it. I'm just saying. Have you been with any plus-sized women? No, not for me. I got a bad back. It's not your thing, huh?

Not a bad back, I can't. See, that's a Sudanese stereotype. It is. That's an interesting thing. They do like big women there. Oh, they do like big women there. Okay, so maybe it's not a stereotype. Your family's all gone, but where are they in America?

In Europe. All of them in Europe. Okay. And they're happy. Are they proud of you? Amazing. My mother is very proud of you. Amazing. Incredible, Mike.

I love your story. I love to see you fucking absolutely, have a totally great set here tonight. Thank you guys very much. Did you get a big joke book last time? You got a small one? Well, guess what, buddy? This is where the hard work gets you.

A big joke book. All right. For having fun. Your next bucket pole Goes by the name of Jay Moody, everybody. Here we go. Guys, I've been a... I've been microdosing a lot.

Like a lot. Probably too much. Just a little bit throughout the day, you know, that's how they say you microdose. I've been microdosing cocaine. Because that's how you do it. If I could afford a macro dose, I would. I can't.

They said, uh, P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube. P.D.D. had a thousand bottles of lube left. You got to understand. LeBron is tall. That's a lot of baby oil. It just makes me wonder, like, the Oscars and the Grammys, what are these after parties like? Epstein's dead and P.D.'s in jail. They got to suck, dude.

Those actors are like, I'm not going. The after parties. He's only got like a thousand bottles left. This isn't going to be that fun. Okay. Jay Moody. Welcome, Jay. What's up, brother? How long you've been doing stand-up?

Like nine years. Okay, we're at? Lake Charles, Louisiana, mostly through Louisiana. All right. Hey, there they are. You still live there? Yes, yeah. Nice.

So you came here just for this? Yeah, a couple guys have been coming to this. They were like, hey, you got to come. They've been coming a bunch, and this is my first time. So what do you guys do? You, like, get in a car and then make the drive day of, and then go back that night, no matter what, are you guys staying in town?

We're staying in town. We got a hotel room. It's pretty much six hours of just dick jokes and then. Yeah. Do you take a car or do you take a fan boat? How do you get here? Little Lake Charles stuff, yeah. We took a Toyota Tacoma to get here.

Oh, wow. Yeah, four guys, or three guys, and then a ton of backpacks for some reason, and then a bunch of fitted hats that none of them wore. I was in the back seat. It sucked. Hey, there you go. What do you do for work, Jay? I'm an audio engineer.

Oh, okay. He had a sound company. All right, at a sound company. Very cool. You married? No. Girlfriend? Yes.

How long you've been with her? Four years? What does she do? She is a fine dining server. Oh, a fine dining server. Like Charles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just a server.

There's like one of them. Yeah. She works there. It's pretty nice. She naggy? No. What's the restaurant? Sizzley? God. It's a very nice chilies, thank you. Yeah.

We have two for one margaritas. It's a nice establishment. Amazing, Jay. How, yeah, how... You say a grip. Don't eat like every grip at every production? Like, hey, what's going on? I'm doing stand-up at night, too. Really? Oh, cool. Yeah. Saying to me, he did. Sorry. No, he's got a look. He's got a look.

This looks like it could be our second backup quarterback of the night. Yeah. It's the jogging pants that really do it. Are those for jogging or? No. I don't fucking jogging, dog. I don't think those are jogging pants, pal.

Coming from over there to over here, I was like, oh, I don't know if I'll be able to tell a joke. I'm out of breath. They're not for jogging. No, no. You have any. What the fuck they're for, honestly. Sleeping, perhaps.

They look like pajama pants. They look cozy. I think though that pocket keeps his hard boiled eggs warm. Jay, do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? No. I play a lot, bass guitar pretty well, but that's about it. Oh, okay. Well, I wouldn't know where we could find one of those.

No, don't. Jay, have you ever done anything crazy in your life? You ever, like, almost die? Oh, yeah, a lot. Yeah, tell us about that. I just, well, I used for like eight years of my life, I just did cocaine every day. I just did cocaine every day in Louisiana. And that's enough.

I've been on, like, just doing bumps. Like, hey, stop the airboat so we can do a line of cocaine because it's very hard to do them on airboats. Let's talk about those, let's talk about those eight years. So, like, can you take us through a routine of, like, what a day in the life, Lake Charles, Louisiana, doing cocaine? Well, I was also working fine dining. If you were my waiter, bro, I would leave, all right?

Sorry. This is also, it's got to be disappointed because it was like members-only places. And then I walk up, I'm like, a good evening. Was this before or after those guys from True Detective broke up your uncle's sex room? During. But another eight years, well, this is what I do.

I just go to work, get cash tips, buy a bunch of cocaine. And then I wake up at home and be like, oh, that wasn't that bad. No idea how I got there, what I did. There'd be like an alligator in my front yard. It was pretty nice. Wow. Louisiana cocaine.

That's WD40 mixed with. Like, what is that like? No, no. In most parts of the country, they call it crystal meth. But there... Yeah. It's a long cocaine. Okay.

Your girlfriend, does she do cocaine? No, no. She's a good person. She's a good person. She's a good person. A good person. A fancy restaurant. They don't do blow.

No, not at all. Right. Amazing. Jay, before I get you out of here, What's the most interesting thing about you, other than the fact that you did cocaine for years in a row? Most interesting. I mean, surviving a meth town in Louisiana is pretty good.

And you're still there. You love it there. What keeps you there? I live out in the country and nobody bothers me. That's pretty much what keeps me. I figured it was a judge. Yeah. It's court ordered.

I stay there. All right. Okay, Jay. Well, fun times. Yeah. You did it. You got up. You did it.

There you go. Jay Moody, everybody. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. This guy's been on this show before. He has an unforgettable face. Make some noise for Derek Dimple, everybody.

Derek Dimple. Comedy Motherhood. Make some noise if you're having a good time. Let me hear you go. Let me hear you go, aw. Tism, I have it. Could you tell? Something that doesn't totally make sense

about me being on the spectrum is my favorite kind of adult videos have lots of eye contact. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you fucking look away. Thank you. I'm hard as a rock right now. Thank you. I got four eyes. Look at him.

Eyes up here, ladies and gentlemen. I got five eyes, look at him. I got six, seven eyes, look at him. So now, from here to here, I just look like a hot lady in one of those Renaissance paintings. Oh my lord, is my visage not pleasing to you? Thank you very much. Wow.

Wow, ladies and gentlemen. So many comedians we've seen have rough sets before, and then they came here tonight and got so much better. Derek pooling the opposite. Absolutely. Reverting back to a childlike desperation, having the crowd make some noise an hour and a half into a show. Mothership, are you with me?

Hey. I like your perm. Thank you. Yeah. God did that to him. Oh. God and a few electrical sockets, I do believe. In the hand dryer in the bathroom.

Your glasses are so Sally Jesse Raphael. I don't know if you know. There you go. Wow. Crush. Crush. Totally. Keep going, red band.

Keep doing it. Keep saying what comes to your head tonight, Red Band. You're doing so good. The Sally Jesse Raphael reference was amazing. You fucking idiot. Shut up. God. I wish I was dead on a.

an airplane next to you right now. Jesus fucking Christ. Put the mic down. Focus on the soundboard. Pick your moments. All right. Derek. Has anything interesting happened

since the last time you were on this show? Oh, my God. I was in Vegas a month and a half ago, and I had sex with three different people on three consecutive days. Wow. I noticed you said people. I'm a mathematician, Tony.

I like to keep the terms as general as possible. Okay, so tell us about this run, you went on, Derek. Oh, yeah. Legendary heat. Yeah. Just imagine. Imagine of all the regrets that people wake up with in Vegas. Imagine being a woman that wakes up next to this.

Oh, my God, Tony. Look, I know I look like the Freesmeister, but come on. It's the heat miser. He's the heat miser. I'm the freeze my... No, I'm wrong again. Okay. How did you get laid in Vegas?

Exactly what... Charmed. Uh-huh. Take us through. Can you give us an example of how you pulled this off? Yeah. Well, I got pulled off, but...

Yeah, so, well, a Tuesday night, there was a lady who was interested in me, and I went back to her hotel room at the Strat, and she was a black lady named Mahogany. Are you serious? Yes, absolutely. You hooked up with a black

woman? Better believe it, baby. My God, right when you think it couldn't be any worse for those people. Right when you think life couldn't get any harder as a black woman in today's society. Next thing you know,

this is who they have on top. of them nowadays. On top to the side. Oh, hell now. I must've been fucked up last night. What the fuck? Looking like a motherfucking back to the future ass motherfucker. Oh, my.

Great Scott! Oh my God. So tell us about this experience with a black woman. I cannot fucking picture this at all. This is crazy. It's like a deleted scene from The Nutty Professor. The Nutty Professor. All right. All right.

Derek. Stick with us here. Answer the question. So you and a black woman. Was this your first time with a black woman? Yes, it was. I bet it fucking was. So what made her...

Where did you meet her? I was doing a show. You were doing a show. And she's like, I thank you. Was it for refugees? Did you need a place to stay? Oh, Derek, you are so sexy. Okay.

Don't do my voice. All right, Derek. Stop trying to be funny. It's not working out for you tonight. Let's stick with honest answers here. So you matter where, at the roulette table, at the... No, no, it was sort of... Oh, yes.

Wait. What was it called? Ola Habibi. Doesn't matter the name of the place. Oh, it was like a restaurant. There you go. So it was at a restaurant. And then what happened?

Oh, and then I got her. number and then we were texting and she was like I'm here she invited you back to her hotel room she definitely did and what time of the night is this exactly it's the ballpark will work Derek Jesus fucking Christ dude one a.m. 1 a.m. 2 a.m. Okay and then you go to her place and what's it like what's going on she has the room to herself no okay she has a roommate there's two twin beds there Two queens. Okay, two queens. But enough about them.

What kind of the... Yeah, man, that was... So Latifah and... All right. So there's two queen beds. So there's two black women in the room. Am I correct? No.

Okay, there's one black woman and... A Latina. Ooh, a Latina woman. Spice. There you go. All right. And then what happens? Take us moment by moment.

here, Derek. The world wants to know how the fuck you had sex with a black woman. With ease. Okay, keep going. Yeah, yeah, well, we were talking, we were kind of getting cozy and I was also like... Let me ask you this. Are you standing? Are you in bed with her? Are you like sitting in the weird desk chair? Well, first I took my shoes off. Ooh, bold maneuver. What the fuck that smell be? Yo, your feet be stanging.

All right. You took your shoes off at the door. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. But they were those weird toe shoes, too, for climbing. No, they were these shoes. These are your pussy-getting shoes?

fucking shoes. Those are prescribed by a doctor. They definitely aren't. Okay, so you take your shoes off and then what happens? Well, we start chatting. Uh-huh. Again, where are you? You're just standing there? She's sitting on a bed. Four or fourteen of the stratosphere. No, again, again, in the room.

Yeah, oh. Are you standing there? Is she sitting? Hotels are so awkward, especially with her. Yeah, standing, talking at first, and then the shoes come off. And then we sit on the bed. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. And you hear a little beat.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And we're talking. Uh-huh. And I ask at one point, is it going to be awkward for your friend? Uh-huh. And she's like, no, bitch, I've been doing cocaine.

And I'm like, this is my room. like, okay, cool. Okay. She's like, if she was going to get some, she would have got some. I got you. Okay. Right.

So then what happens? Okay. Then her friend rolls over and puts the pillow over. Ah. Yeah. Game on. Ah. Yeah.

The old self-made burrito. A Latina woman rolled up in a blanket. Pillow on her head. And then what happens? And then we start. fooling around and great blow jobs, by the way. Ah, interesting. You say blow jobs, plural. Oh, oh, because the next night was also a black woman.

Whoa! You went black to black. He can't go back. Yeah. I did the night after. Wow, incredible. A different... She must have had so much confidence and swagger. I bet the second lady was very easy to bed. I really... Let me ask you this, night one. Condom, no condom. Oh, no condom.

Wow. And where exactly did you finish, Derek Dimful? In her mouth. Wow. In her mouth. Very good. Absolutely incredible. So let's go to Night 2 here.

Night 2, you're just out there, you got the fucking jungle boogie playing in the back of your head. It's a song. That's a song. He's got confident. Yeah. All right. So night two.

What the fuck is going on here? Night two, you're out there. Where do you meet this lady at? I had met her the previous night. Uh-huh. You got her number. Yes. And then you were texting her as well.

Yes. And then she invites you where? Where do you end up with her? Oh, well, I hadn't slept too much the night before. I bet. So I'm like, I'm pretty tired, but we can go on a date. Okay. And then, so we went out to this spot.

We played some pool, and she was like doing a lot of, and I'm standing there, and she's... All right. She was showing her ass on purpose. Okay. Oh, that was you emulating being sexy. That's, yes. Crazy.

Sorry. You couldn't tell? That's my bad. I didn't study mime, though. She was laying eggs. But she was popping that thing, as we say. So night two, you end up back at her hotel? No, she lived there.

She lived in the pool hall. She had a home in Las Vegas. Yeah, down in, yeah. So you went to her actual house, a place where it would make sense to take your shoes off at the door. Exactly. Incredible. Yeah. Same thing?

Blow job city or? Wow. Did you have sex with her? Yeah. Wow. And that's amazing. Okay, night three, tell us about the innocent white woman. that got your...

Well, the lady from night two and I were at a bar, and she wanted to get a third involved in the situation. And so... Uh-huh. And so... Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Yeah.

And so we... The sun had already gone up. The bar was 24 hours. And so then we drove over to... over to Light Two's place, and then we had a threesome. Wow. You had a threesome. This is absolutely incredible. He...

This should give every single human hope. No, I think God is dead. This is proof of chaos raining. You had a threesome with how many, with women, right? Two women. Yes. Two. Coming on Netflix, the billionaire's kid.

Incredible. You're having threesomes? He's done, listen to mom and dad. You don't care about the cats. He's the bad boy in the Borgadette. What was the craziest part of the threesome? Was there a part where you were overwhelmed or amazed or something? Oh, overwhelmed almost constantly.

Tell us a moment in which that took place. Was there something that happened? But the greatest part. Oh, that's what I'm asking about. You could just say it. instead of resetting the question. The white chick was riding my face and the black chick was sucking my dick.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Derek. It's called the Austin Scuba mask right there. Incredible Derek. Well, I'm pissed, honestly. I've been happily married for 15 years. I could be getting so much cool gash

if you're out there slanging. Derek Dimple. All that hot three days of sex you're leaving here with a little joke book. Congratulations, Derek. There he goes. Thank you. Amazing, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the ugliest human beings on planet Earth.

Just out there just fucking everything that moves. Absolutely incredible. Vegas is struggling. Just a face. A face of shock. It's like if Jimmy Neutron could molest himself. Yeah. That's incredible.

Sally. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Sheik Ahmed, everybody. This looks like a new name to me. Oh my goodness. It's Sheik Ahmed. Good evening.

Virgins and gentlemen. I am Sheikh Ahmed. I teach a one-minute workshop to infidels how to treat your virgin. First. Bend your knees. Second, you throw the hijab up at the virgin. Cover yourself up.

Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. And third, you dodge for anything the virgin throws back at you. We have a saying in Medeast. An eye for an eye. And what are the virgins? They said go to Chick-fil-A. The Chick-fil-A.

That's where the virgins are. Well, in Mid-East, we don't have bring your child to work day, because it gets too crowded at 7-Eleven. Anyone needs a ride at my Uber's park outside. Thank you very much. I am not here to bomb anyone. Sheik Ahmed. Sheikh Ahmed. Okay, Sheik Ahmed. I mean, you basically...

Aren't you a funny lady? No! No, I am Sheikh Ahmed. Aren't you the funny... what's her fucking name? What's your name? What made you want to be a... What made you want to do this? Everything was good. You're a funny lady. You're the first person to become a man and become less funny.

Yeah. I'm a chic. Oh, God. It's like I died on the drive here. I'm going to drive here. Everything's so surreal about this show. Wake up. And then you come out in this insane, great outfit, you know?

Are you jealous? Very authentic, yeah, great penis. But just all the effort put in without the jokes, it's insane. Yeah, the look is great. It was a lot of confidence. Yeah, I like the confidence. Yeah, I like a bold swing, man. I love the Harlem Globe Trotters, you know?

Thank you. Yeah, on the jet. This is the kicker. Yeah, the chest hair. Okay, I'm not exactly sure how to interview, Sheik Ahmed. You're a tough interview. I feel like I'm in Guantanamo Bay right now. Yeah, the wet t-shirts over my face.

Yes, very much. Waterboarding joke, ladies and gentlemen. We have a lot of Middle Eastern viewers now, and I want to make sure the jokes translate, so... What made you want to experiment with this character, Sheik? I am being Sheikh Ahmed or I am being Shari. Well, I think Sherry should step in here for a second. I think we should talk to Sherry.

Very funny. Well, I write jokes about Middle Eastern men and Middle Eastern women and whatnot. So I thought, let me give those lines. It's funny hearing you talk like a woman like that. You should have just done that voice. This is actually much funnier. Right. So you're just experimenting, having fun.

Yes, yes. I love that. I love that. Have you done this other places, like open, mics and stuff like that? I just did this at banana phone last night. Okay. How to go there?

Okay. Yeah. Fun. But it never goes okay over there. Like nothing ever. The minute is not there for, you know, the laughs. It's just there. There.

Roast you. Right. Yeah. Exactly. It's a kiltony rip-off show. Did you change between gigs? Well, I took this off. Okay.

Went to sleep, took a shower, and then put these back on. You look great. You're looking. Thank you. Very convincing and I'm less than a foot away. It's like being in Deerborn. Oh. And you're really Iranian?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And this is your take on Saudi Arabian man. Yeah. Okay. Did you already have this outfit or did you buy it or? I bought it.

Yeah. I'm buying. My own hair. I just didn't wax for a few weeks. Hey, Riyadh between the lines, Redvan. I like Sherry, I miss Sherry. Okay. Here's a little joke book for Sheik, though.

You can... Thank you. All right. There goes Sheik Ahmed, ladies and gentlemen. This show's crazy. Okay. Okay. This show's crazy. Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen.

Bye, Sherry. You looked at me like, what do we do? I was like, it's your show, bro. You got this. I don't know. I was really confused. I'm confused. I don't want to touch it. She's a funny lady.

She's a funny lady. But whatever that was, I mean, hey, what are you going to do? Well, you know, sometimes spectacle is rewarded. She took a big swing on a big platform. Hell. Big swing. Yeah. She comes back.

Big swing. Big swing. Your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Anthony Walton, everybody. here we go. Anthony Walton. I just moved out of my parents' house for the third time in my life.

It's great because I had to go outside every time I wanted to masturbate. Let me tell you something. Jerking off in a car really sucks. Especially when you don't own one. It's a whole lot of door jangling, you know. It's a whole new meaning to carjacking.

Are you all familiar with Clifford? Yeah, hell yeah. We got some readers here in the mothership. It's a good thing he was neutered, right? Can you imagine his big red balls just swinging, destroying cities? That would have been catastrophic. I just lost my father recently. Don't worry, we found him.

He was just in the next room dead. Fuck out, Anthony Walton. You've been on this show before. Numerous times. My third time at the mothership, but like it's been a year. Yeah. Awesome. Much better than...

ever before, correct? That's set. Yeah, it's, you know, they've all been solid, so they've been... Oh, wow, okay. I guess we remember them differently, Anthony. Let's go to the tape, Tony. This time I'm, like, way less nervous, and I'm like, I'm fucking ready. Yeah, that's it. So you agree that this was the best set. Very good. There you go. All right.

Even though they've all been solid. This is dead parent night on Kill Tony. Is it really true? Did you really lose your father? Yeah, so yesterday it was three years since he passed. What happened to him three years ago? Heart attack. He was like 80. Oh, okay. Like 84. He was ready to go.

Cool. Awesome. How do you know if he was ready to go? Because one time he was like going out and my mom resuscitated him and he was like, damn. Get your hands off me, bitch. What, my 72 virgins? Wait, that was the last guy. Incredible.

So Anthony, it's been a year since you've been on this show. What's been going on with your life? What have you been up to? Oh, man, it's been roller coaster, like breakups and then getting back together and then breaking up. And then now it's just like, I went through like a depression phase where I was just like, the world's dark. I don't want to make people laugh and do comedy.

But then I was like, I fucking love this shit. So like, and making people laugh, so I got back to it. And my fucking car broke down and that I got a new. new car. I don't know, just up and down. So let's talk about it. Let's start with this girlfriend that kept breaking up with you. Why were you guys breaking up? What was the problem? It was just long distance, basically.

Where's she at? Back in Denton. So, like, where I'm from, so, like, three hours away. I made the drive today. It was very easy. Sorry. Yeah. Well, it was just like complicated and shit and like... Tell us about it. What do you mean if it's complicated? I don't want to put her like business out there.

I mean, this is the show that you're on. This is the life that you chose, Michael. What would your dad want? Cheech or Chong. So she was also married. Oh, there you go. See, that's great, compelling stuff. But like, they're polyamorous.

Slid in and stuff A lot of oozing on So did he know about you? Yeah, yeah, we're cool. Okay He was cool with some fucking Eskimo banging his wife Well, he was also Latino and shit

So like Hey, the road he's here to fuck you, honey I'll be in my Oculus Let me know Let me know when he's done I'll get the towel Yeah have fun with a bloated Dave Grohl.

Yeah. Floated Dave. Just say Stug by Bees. The food fighter. Oh my God. So just anyone can get laid now, dude. Yeah. Cool.

You got to get a divorce, Sam. No, I love my wife very much. She's very pretty. But it's just, it's flummixing, looking at the data. set that I've aggregated this evening. That's all. You're about to say something there.

What are you going to say? I'll just say like another literally shitty thing. I had like a wonderful Thanksgiving and then I just ended horribly with just me shitting myself in my car. You shit yourself in the car. Yeah, so like... Take us through this moment. So I got invited to this wonderful Friendsgiving, comics. I was socializing, ate shrooms, ate food, like, wonderful time.

Something I wish I knew was, if you eat a fuck ton of cranberries, it works as a laxative. And I wish I knew this before because I was also a little drunk just eating these cranberries, telling people, eat these cranberries, they're delicious. You're on shrooms, you're a little tipsy. Yeah, well, this was like after I came down from the shrooms. Oh, okay. And then I was just popping them, like a pill popper pops pills, just telling people they're healthy for you, they're good.

Yeah. And then I was like, I got to go. And I was walking outside of my car. So it was your car? Yes. Okay. And I turned around and I was like, fuck. I was like, if I go back, they're going to know.

And I should have just been an adult and shit in his house. Yeah, by the way, the shrooms had not worn off yet, just to let you know. They're all going to know I shit. Yeah. If I go back in there are old. I have to kill them all. I ain't all the cranberries. That was weird enough.

Now I'm back to shit. Fuck. Fuck. Torkes. I was telling them that cranberries are healthy. They probably fucking knew that, didn't that? Everyone fucking knows that. My dad is dead.

I thought I had discovered cranberries. I thought I was the first. You guys tried these cranberries? They're covered in sugar. They're fucking delicious. Wow. So there you are. You're walking to your car from Thanksgiving.

Is this your family's Thanksgiving? No, my friend, Spencer Boone, invited me to his other friend. Wow, name drop. Shout out Spencer with the shit-your-pants-pants cranberries. Amazing. Yeah, so, like, because I didn't go home for the holidays, and then I was just like, I could make it. And I made it to a 7-Eleven, but they were fucking cleaning it,

and they wouldn't let me use the restroom. I begged. I was like, please, I'm going to shit myself. They're like, no, you know. Is that what they sounded like at 7.11? He was like, no. It's a lady, she's cleaning it. And I was like, they won't let you.

She'll get mad. And I was just like, fuck this. Bro, they lied for sure. They saw you come in, Thanksgiving, pie-eyed, covered in cranberry juice. You waddle in. That lady fucking dove for the mop bucket. She's like, there was a fly. Tell him Seekers here.

on the road again. So I was going to take a shit behind the 7-Eleven. But there was a fucking cop car chilling, so I was like, I can't get a ticket for this. And then I was driving and I saw a Circle K, but then it was too late. It just let go. It was like...

You saw a Circle... You drove by a Circle K in your car. No, like, as soon as I saw it, I turned and saw it. And that's when it happened. Yeah. You started crying. You're like, oh.

And it was like, the first few seconds felt fucking incredible. It was like... Yeah. For sure. See, that's what they don't tell you about shit in your pants. I back that. You're not a man to you drop a deuce in your pants. At least once.

There's a few seconds before the shame hits. Big obstacle. Before the shame just takes over. And then I still have... It kicks in. But when you're shit your pants, you're like, I'm the smartest man allowed. It's a lot of that. You know, vanes.

of killing you. And then... I just need the restroom. And then I still had 30 minutes to drive back home. It got cold. And then it just went two more... I was like, it's already too late, so I just showed myself two more times.

Wow! Wow! Wow! They'll never know. never know. You've done it again. What kind of car do you have? 2015 Honda Civic.

Okay. What colors the interior? Well, before. Black? Okay, so you're safe. Like, the thing, it was like, this is the second time, as an adult, I shit myself. Oh. In the second car I ever owned, I was like, this is fucked.

And then I had to like piss, so I grabbed a bottle, but it... What's the point? Yeah, it's just... Everywhere. You're wearing the diaper. Fill it up. But then... What?

I made it home. But I live in the third floor, so I just had to waddle up. You pissed in a bottle with your pants full of shit. Yeah. You are putting on airs, man. That's like taking off your shoes at a hotel room. Yeah. It's pointless.

Did you tuck your pants into your socks so it doesn't fall out? Like what happens? No, it like... Good question from a professional shh, pants shirt. Leaving tracks. Pro tip from shit your pants legend, Brian Redband. So, you don't tuck your pant legs into your socks so that it doesn't fall out in your hallway of your apartment building.

Get on your kicks. That's a veteran move. Yes. The black belt of brown belts. Brian Redband. The Sultan of shit. The Prince of Poop. Yeah, it was a fucking mess.

It was everywhere. It looked like blood, right? Because of the cranberries? What kind of pants were? Were they jeans? Were they, please tell me they were khakis? Please. So.

Wait a second. Don't let your eyes light up. Those are the pants. Oh my God! Ladies and gentlemen, what a legend. You are an icon. This is Kill Tony. Wow.

I'm for sure keeping the pants. I'm not made of money. Wow. I just watched them like three times. Wow. These were the shoes, not the socks. These weren't the socks or underwear. Wow.

Wow. You are a legend, Anthony Walton. Absolutely incredible. One of the greatest interviews of the night. Anthony Walton, everybody. There he goes. That is how you shit your pants. If you're going to shit your pants, you fucking multiple times.

In multiple places. He shit his pants in different area coats. Wow. My goodness. All right. He might be shitting his pants right now, ladies and gentlemen. This is a new move. There he goes.

Anthony Walton, everybody. Wow. There he goes. He's still going, everybody. He's still there. He's still there, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. All right, what an episode this has been.

Did you guys have fun tonight? Well, I got news for you. There's just one person left, and it's the only guy that could possibly close a show like this. He has the record for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews. He's a living member of the killer. Tony Hall of Fame.

Ladies and gentlemen, some people call them the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery. Yikes, that was kind of gross about that guy.

Mattel Toy Company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie, and luckily this version still has those great tits. Okay, this next joke is for the ladies. You're like,

hey, if they don't have monostat one, just get monostat three. Uh, yeah, that's like saying, hey, if the video store doesn't have Godfather Part 1, just rank Godfather Part 3. Are you kidding me? One of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece, and the other one, uh, it has its flaws. Okay, all the ladies are laughing at that one out there. That was it.

Somebody was telling me how much ice was in Minnesota, and I was like, uh, yeah, it's January, you dumbass. Weekend, I got a new Mercedes in Mario Car! If you get hit by a green shell, it costs twice as many coins. The mechanic said it's the German design. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. William Lights Out. Montgomery has arrived back on his royal throne of killed.

It's been a while. It seems like it's been a little while, Tony. No doubt about it. It's been a while. And I'm still not rowing, and I've discovered, I almost feel like I don't even need to tell you. I've discovered this new type of video game that I've, Tony, I think it may be a retarded person or like a little child. I've been playing like these games that are like for little kids, I think,

but I play them all day long, Tony. Tell us about it. Well, I've been playing something called Nuclear Gladiator 3,000. I played it for three days the other day straight. I'm not even kidding. Three days straight. You're basically looking down at the, the map and you're this little person and you're shooting all the little characters around you

and you're slowly upgrading your stuff. Sounds sick. Yeah, it's so fun. But doing that, and I've been neglecting the Roe Machines and I've got to figure it all out, Tony. I'm not doing great at the beginning of this new year, so I've got to figure it out. Why do you think this is all happening? Why do you think you've kind of stopped working out and leaning on video games all of a sudden? I don't know, Tony.

There's a problem. I have some sort of problem in my... head, I think. I mean, I'll be okay. But I, oh, yeah, you're agreeing with that one, Red Band? Nobody else said. Oh, why did you fucking agree with? Oh, you say, so what's wrong with me then, Red Band? What do you think is wrong with my head? Well, the game you're playing is not called Nuclear

Galaxy Man, 3,000 or whatever you said. Yeah, nuclear gladiator 3000. It's called Vampire hunter or something, right? Yeah, that's another one, vampire hunters. That's another fun one. This is great stuff. Thanks for throwing a wrench into that. Tony's already been hating your ass tonight. I've been hating your ass tonight. Anytime we take a little big

like we did, he comes back just terrible and needs a complete reset. Timings off, interrupting stories, asking absolutely the dumbest questions ever. But that's my buddy. This is my little... Everybody likes it. This is my little buddy, everybody. Anyway.

Are you doing okay with the passing of Bob Weir? Yes, it's very... Yes, rest of peace to Bob Weir. That was a big deal for you, right? Yeah, I think... I was listening... Based on how you look. all the time.

Yeah, no. I always was a bigger fan. I think I'm going to be more devastated when the guy from Blues Traveler passes on. Hey man, people keep sending me pictures. I look like that guy before and after and it sucks. Yeah, you're looking good. You've lost a bunch of weight. Thanks, man, yeah.

You look cool too. I'm just so happy for you. Oh, thank you. Hey, two friends, you know, I'm stuck. Incredible. But yeah, Tony, I'll figure it out. I'll just get it. Jim Brewer. What do you think?

It reminds me of, no disrespect. When I see you, I feel like Ron Howard's, like, the one brother no one knows about, is really angry. I've got way more talent than Ronnie's day, right. I know why not as a real director. I'm just saying, remember Gallagher? And you were like, who's this guy's Gallagher, too?

Are you serious? I'm just, freak out right now. You look like Clint Howard. Yeah, Clint Howard. Clint Howard. Yeah. All right, that one duck liked the joke. Good.

Yeah. He's a real pretty daughter, I think, if I was in that situation, it would be talking to her or something in the film. Yeah, exactly. So, William, we've been off for a couple weeks other than the video. Hold on. Did some idiots say, oh, my God, because it was really funny. Why did some idiots say, oh, my God, right there? What did you not fucking hear me?

I have not been feeling good recently. And then I hear some dumbass and some kind of moment of weirdness right there saying, oh my God. I hope that was a nice, oh my God. Seriously, I've been on the edge for the past number of days. I'm not even kidding. So I hope that was a nice, oh my God.

I'm not kidding. William, what would you do? What would you... What did the idiots say it was and not? What would you do if I surprised you by putting that guy in the trunk of your car tonight? I would get the knife out of my pocket and I would stab him a couple of times

in the stomach and then fucking wrap some cheese. chains around his hands. That's what I would do? And then what? You'd wrap chains around his hands. And then what would you do? Now that his hands are chained and he's bleeding from his stomach, then what would you do? I'm saying, look at you now, dumbass. And then fucking do the fucking thing down. Yeah. Drive over bumps.

All right. There's nothing gay about what he's saying. Yeah, there's nothing gay about that red band. Yeah. What? Why would you chain his hands? He's already seen. stabbed in the stomach in the trunk of your car. It's like overkill, William. Yeah, well, I do overkill when I'm mad, and I'm mad right now.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is that from Poltergeist 6? What was that? What do you think would bring you some joy, William? I don't know. I need to get back on the row machine. I have to start exercising. Have you been doing any puzzles? I hit seven, and now I've hit a wall. I would like to start another one. I have a bunch of them. I've been buying them on eBay, and there's a couple of very nice vintage ones I've got, and I'm like, I'm just putting this one up on my dresser.

I'm not even opening this one up because it has the original like price tag on it. I have a couple of those. Okay. So, hoarding. Horting has entered your habit. I have 20 puzzles right now. Oh, my goodness.

What are they of? Specific type of puzzle that you're buying? Well, the next one I think we're going to do is baby Jesus. It's fucking, uh, small puzzle. That'll be. Joseph. Yeah. The thousand piece.

It's the manger scene. to do that one, even though it's past Christmas, but I think that's the next one. Nothing better than a manger scene, late January. Yep. That's what I'm thinking. Almost my birthday. I'm almost 39, Tony. Wow.

The next Monday. Wins your birthday? January 26. Wow. Wing-Gretzky's birthday. Amazing. I know I'll never forget it. Thank you.

You quit rowing? Yeah. You were having so much fun. I was having so much fun. I'm very self-destructive, so I know it's really good for me, but then I've really, really love deep down. It's some sick kind of way I like hurting myself.

So that's what I've been doing recently. Well, it just looks like you came here in a row boat. You know, you look like an ancient mariner. I thought it'd be easy for you. I know, me too. I'll start doing it again. I almost went today and then I didn't. You wear the Gretzky jersey when you're tying them up

and killing him in the truck? Do you wear the jersey? Gretzky jersey? Yeah, fucking wear the Gretzky jersey when I'm beating his fucking ass. Wait, what did the fucking idiot say again? He said, oh my God, or what did he say? Yeah, you're really going to be saying, oh, Oh my God when I'm fucking hitting you and I got the fucking King's Jersey fucking Gratsky, Kings Jersey.

Could you even imagine that? Really? Yeah. I'm beating his fucking ass in the fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get at him. Yeah. What would be the last thing that you would say to him as you're watching the life leave his body?

Dude, you ain't never going to breathe again. Wow. Will you find the funny? Catch him on tour. I'mTalent.com with two L's. He's on tour as well. Thank you guys so much for being here, so much fun. Thank you to Bluetooth.

Hey, how about the legend Jim Brewer, everybody? The legend Jim Brewer. Wait. I was just glad to be out of my house. Come on, you guys can do better than that. The great Jim Brewer, ladies and gentlemen. Bluetooth, Shopify, Talkspace, Zikovas, the best damn band in the land.

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Bell is in. Let's see what Chris drew over there. Oh, Jim Brewer! Look at that! That's you. He painted you. That's amazing. Check out Cherry Roofier on YouTube.

Love you guys. Yes, we love you so much. A lot of fun stuff happening. A huge announcement. A huge announcement coming tomorrow. Or last week. Last week. You'll see it.

All right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets.