KILL TONY - #754 - RICK INGRAHAM + BERT KREISCHER

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

Bert Kreischer, Rick Ingraham, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 01/26/2026 Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toll. comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's time for the best damn band in all the land.

Fernando Castillo, Rao, Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Natchez, Belgrade. We have the great Dave Cher playing guitar for us here tonight. John D's on the Keys, and that's D Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. They have the new Kill Tony band on YouTube and their hit sing. PANDAMOUM is available everywhere. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Quo, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. How you guys feeling tonight? Good?

Feels good in here. Feels real good. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Keltony show

to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com for tickets, Right now, come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tony Hinchcliff.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

We are braving the freezing weather, and what a warm, hot show I have for you, ladies and gentlemen, two of the biggest comedians in the world, two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of my favorites. fucking noise for Bert Kreischer and Rick Engra. Yeah. Kreischer. Let's fucking go. Free Bert is out now on Netflix.

It is one of the top shows on planet Earth. Welcome back, Bert Kreischer. It's good to be here. I've been here all fucking week. And I will be here all week because of this goddamn storm. Tony, how many mistranslations do you think happened in kitchens this Thursday? day before the storm came in, they were like, hey, ice is coming. And they're like, oh, fuck.

Thank you. No doubt. That joke's dead after a week, so I might as well get it out. Work out that double entendre while you can. Exactly. Rick Ingraham's new special crowd pleaser is out on the comedy store YouTube now. Rick is one of the funniest fucking human beings on planet Earth. Rick was the guest.

Fun fact, for those of you, that consider yourself Kill Tony fans. Rick was the guest on episode one of Kill Tony before it even had its name.

It was called Hinchcliff's Notes with an apostrophe. There's a lot of people who said that my presence on Hinchcliff's notes is what made

Kill Tony necessary. It's true. It got the pilot picked up for episode two. We renamed it and the rest is history. What other names were in the running?

That was another one. Brian, Brian Redband's second podcast. Second. It was like his ninth at the time. The Brian Redband experience. Yeah. And now I'm the only person left stuck working with him.

So it's funny how these things turn out. The privilege. Oh, what an amazing privilege it is. We love him. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? I mean, just adorable. Yeah. He had to lint roll the cat hair off of him earlier.

He said, quote, The cat slept on my shirt. This is my business partner, everybody. You guys know how the show works. Over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all stacked on top of each other in an unbelievably disgusting bar next door,

hoping and praying that they get pulled out of this bucket. I'm gonna let the corpse of John Bonae Ramsey pick the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations. I can't believe she's here. It's amazing. The people that travel here for this show, It's absolutely incredible. Still just as hot as you was.

My brother's not here. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian, and you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up in here, the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

He was very angry tonight. Even though he likes the cold weather, he's very, very angry. While we go wrangle that first comedian, we have a special treat for you guys to start tonight's show. A regular who we haven't seen in quite some time, a master of the interview portion of the show,

and the great return of the one and only, ladies and gentlemen, if you know the words, sing along. This is Hans Kim. Hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road and not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck her cocks.

but the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ICE is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You can just give it them more room to breathe. But I understand, can you imagine the shape you have to be in to deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three-gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun in under three minutes. Just in case I get carjacked at an Antifa rally and a flock of quail fly by.

All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. All right, Hans Kim. Let me go. Bert, you grab that mic quick. Oh, I didn't mean to. I just, you know, I haven't been able to laugh at this whole ice situation, so it was nice that you brought levity to it.

Thank you. I'm kidding. I've been laughing all weekend. Hans, fun set. I agree with almost everything that you said. I didn't understand the three gun competition thing at the end. Is that a thing that happened? Yeah, that's a type of gun competition.

It's just where you shoot around with the boys. It felt like a very specific type of racism that only he knows about. But he is Asian, so that's the highest level of racist. That is true. Not a lot of people know this. Asians are the most racist people. I thought people knew that when I made fun of an Asian back in 2021. Turns out nobody fucking knew it somehow or everybody forgot it all at once.

And I got in big trouble and I needed to find an Asian to come in and be my token Asian. This wasn't the Asian? No. That's the Asian that I got to replace the old Asian. Uh-huh. Is it racist that we both thought he was the Asian that you were talking about? No. I was like there's no way Tony ever went for two.

I mean, only one. can replace the other. He was the Yao to my Ming. So it worked amazingly. Your life is good, right, Hans? Yeah, of course. It's amazing. Yeah, I'm doing great. Yeah, I went camping recently in Big Bend, just out there by myself, just enjoying the Texas countryside, you know, just soaking it in. You went by yourself? Yeah. It's like serial killer shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's like meditative, you know, getting to know myself, just thinking a lot about my life. Were you on your phone out there? Yeah.

Oh, okay. So meditative. What else did you do while camping, Hans? I smoked a joint. You know, did some mushrooms. By yourself. Dangerous. Those eyes closed all the way.

Out in the woods by yourself, just like Helen Keller, like, ah. Or howering Keller. That is correct. I love it. So Hans, how long were you camping out there by yourself for? Four days, three nights. Wow. I didn't know myself.

How often are you jerking off in this situation? It's actually really cold, so it kind of... He couldn't find it. His eyes are closed. He's got chopsticks down. They're going like, I don't know. Keep telling me more about this camping trip. So you didn't jerk off at all, four days?

I did once. Can you explain to us how that went down exactly? Could you imagine you're hiking through the Texas woods? And you come across what at first you assume is a Sasquatch. Only to find out that it's a Asian guy masturbating on mushrooms. You expect that in Oklahoma. You don't expect that here. And the best part is he can't see you.

So you and your family just circle around him and wait till he's done. He's highest in his eyes are closed. He's looking for his dick. And your youngest is like in between your legs. I want to hear more about camping. Yeah, I had a great time. Amazing, Hans. Why was he away for a while?

Why by yourself? I guess it's easier to jerk off that way. I brought you guys out here to watch me get high and jerk off. This is what friends do, I thought. Did you see anybody else out there when you were camping? Were there other people? I saw a bunch of dudes just camping. They were like tactical men.

Were they with each other? They were following the general rule if it's not as creepy, if there's more than one? Yeah. A proud boy of men. Four dudes in tactical gear. Come upon an Asian in the woods. And they're like, you want to go old school and hunt him?

A lot of Charlie references. Oh, yeah. We used to fight Asians, millennials. You will again soon. Ooh, Hansie boy. All right, Hans. Another great new set. You got the show started for us.

Thank you so much. Thank you, Tommy. Thank you. everybody and now we rotate over to the dear insane bucket of destiny where we actually meet people anything can happen make some noise for your first bucket poll it's big Vinny ladies and gentlemen here we go I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight does anybody have a spare Ozempic they could throw up on stage I could really use that shit has anybody in here ever gone

on fat splashing before. I'm sorry, that's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me, she found out her name in my phone was Torto the Explorer.

Yeah, that fucked me up. That was hard. It was even rougher that I had her aunt in my phone as tortilla. All right, guys, that's for my time. Big Vinnie. Big Vinny. It's even in his name, folks. His entire identity is his weight.

Meanwhile, he's the third fattest guy up here right now. I lost... Sorry, Bert. He needs to do those jokes in L.A. We know Red Band's number one. Bert number two. Medium Vinny here doing nothing

but Ozempic and fat jokes. So, yeah, slightly less big Vinny is what I've been going by. I got on the street there. I'm kidding, Bert. You're not that fat. You seem like you got a little depressed there for a second. I'm on Charo. I lost 40 fucking pounds.

I shit blood in the morning. Are you really on a DLP want? No drugs for me. Just running and eating right. Fuck. Okay, I'm a cheater. I get it. Fuck you.

Eating right, he says. Just did a minute of fat jokes. Yeah. What have you eaten today? What food have you consumed since this morning? I just had, only today, I really only had a chicken salad sandwich. Yeah, I made myself. Wow.

Did you put grapes in it? Did you put grapes in it? No, there's a lot of sugar in grapes. It's bad for you, Bert. Damn, Jesus. You're getting health advice from Big Timmy, the first bucket pole. This is not good. Biggie gets accused of not being fat, and he's like,

I better start telling people how to be healthy. So tell us exactly how you made the chicken salad then. Give us your recipe, Big Vinny. I had half a rotisserie chicken left from H-Doh. Wow. The other half was dinner last night? Yep, correct. Very good.

So I pulled it apart and threw some mayo on there, you know, fucking a little bit of onion, some garlic powder, some salt. Fucking, like that shit. And then I fucking threw some bolillo. or whatever they call it from HGB in the fucking oven. What is that last thing? A bolillo? Do you guys know what that is?

Yeah. It's a little like bread roll they make it's because they don't have like fucking baked bread here in fucking Texas. They don't have like. Like I mean like delis that I'm used to. I'm used to paninis and shit like that. Where are you from? New York.

Okay. You live here now or are you just visiting? No, I live here. I've been living here a lot of past year. Okay. Got healthy here. Can I make a nice? you're way more passionate about your chicken salad sandwiches than you are your comedy.

Yeah. Like you get really into these chicken salad sandwiches. No, I do comedy almost every. God damn. There was no part of the comedy where he gave like a little... ...full of comedy. But he wanted to make sure you guys knew that. He wasn't just fucking salt shaker in.

I move around more when I have more time and like the minute I had to shorten up most of my jokes. Like, I don't know. I could try to like do one or two and like length... It's okay. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Three years, almost. Three years. So two of it in New York, one of it here.

Phoenix, Arizona is where I started, right after the pandemic. Okay. What made you move? Trade it around a lot. Yeah, yeah. What made you move to Phoenix? So I just, me and my brother wanted to travel, like, around, and we picked Phoenix. That's where we ended up.

Like, he found a good job, and I figured it would be a good place to start comedy. I didn't want to start here. Since you're a connoisseur, who has better bread? Phoenix or Austin? Definitely how that's hard they're both suck but Austin I'll give it to Austin being able to get bread Yeah like there's that there's got to be an Italian bakery or deli There's a ton of great time

I'm sugar I ate she meat yeah it's hot Che cho cho cho bumba yeah What's your take on on uh on uh brioche bread That's okay I don't like it weird it's hard to bite through and it feels like the meat squirts out too squishy Chabada chabada no that'll like I fuck with Chabada. No, chabada's not bad.

A nice toasted chabata? Welcome to another episode of Fat Tony. Yeah, that's right. What are your thoughts on Pumpernickel? Too much fucking shit going on there. Okay. That guy's talking bread. That's going to get America united.

I love it. Okay, so Big Vinnie, let's talk about it. What's been going on in your life? What is that? The fat people talking about it? Bread sound? Let's hear that one more time. I love the horn section so much. Roasting with a trombone? This is out of control.

I think we just got baked. Yeah. Big Vinny, give us a fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you, something special that makes you, you. I collect sports cards and that's like what I've been living off of selling that sports cards and Pokemon cards singles I don't set up at fucking the store with a tent and fucking scalp like those scumbags and that's your job?

Oh yeah that's how you make money So I was working at Cheers for like seven months as a door guy but then after that I started selling cards and living off that Wow so what you do is you steal Pokemon cards from the kids in the West And then you resell those.

So I've had a single mom, like, I was hooking up with a single mom. Oh, yeah. Guys, the joke I just said I didn't know about this single mom story. I don't want to be an accomplice and whatever. All right, go on. So she was having trouble paying the rent one month. And so she turned to her son's Pokemon cards. No.

He had to say goodbye to his Charzard GX. Are you serious? How much does a Charzard go for? It depends which one. There's so many. But, yeah, his collection was probably like $1,500. Wow. Pays to rent, yeah.

Oh, my God. You see why that mom is so single. What a bitch. And he took that $1,500, and he started a child trafficking ring. Crazy business plan. My God, $1,500 for a Charzard? No, it was like,

probably a binder full of like 30 cards. Oh my god. So did the kid have any Pokemon cards left by the time you were done pounding out this single mom? Yeah, I left him with some Christmas gifts, yeah, yeah. So he had a few... What kind of Christmas gifts exactly? Let me guess, half a rotisserie chicken?

Filled with Pokemon cards, yeah. A little brother that he won't pay for? Not unless those Don Mattingly rated rookies pick up in value. Meanwhile, the mom's sitting, like, he's so, Vinny's so good with my son. They just sit and go through his Pokemon cards all day. Oh, you got that buddy, nice, nice. You know, that's not that belly money anymore. Oh, yeah, you don't want this one.

This is worth nothing. So how much money do you think you've made slinging cards if you had to guess? Ballpark. Well, just enough to like pay my rent and stuff. It's probably like $20,000 the last six months. So you're out there selling the car. But how are you getting them? How do you know when you find a deal?

So like I buy collections, like people are trying to get out of it. Like, obviously you gotta pay like half of what the cards are worth and stuff. Like, and even less for stuff that's undesirable. You're like a coin star machine for cards. Can I ask you a really serious question? If someone gave you, say, like $500,000 and said, invest this in cards, what could you turn that into? Oh, I could, I could make that into it. Like, how long are you talking?

How long a time? Probably a foot and a half Italian sub. Full rotissory chicken This time with the grapes Because when you got that kind of cash You don't care about the sugar We can buy him to an H-EB But have you seen

Have you seen Jake Paul talk about his card That he wears around his neck And he talks about the investment Versus annuities and real estate And it's fucking crazy He's a scammer He's a scammer Say that once again for the internet

Yeah Logan Paul he's no good Wow Looks like I'm gonna have to fight in a boxing ring in a few months. All right. Big Vinny. You were the first bucket pool of the night.

Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. You've got to start somewhere. Big Vinny, everybody. Here we go. With your second bucket pool of the night, ladies and... Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone.

Oh, my goodness gracious. The crowd goes wild. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Greg. Bergman, everybody. Greg Bergman. Here we go. I'm in a great mood.

I'm dating a beautiful girl. Beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non-binary. Yeah. Which I got to say, fellas, it's the best of both world. You know, I come home from work. I'm depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat this shit out of him, you know?

You get away with it. No, no, no, no, officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black guy I gave him. Not the other way around, you know? You get away with it. It's amazing. Well, I was signing up 57 times. I don't know if I'll ever be back.

I have to tell Austin I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look, I do. I'd have the biggest thing in Austin. I'm not bragging. I bought it. That's odd. Allow me to explain.

About 10 years ago, where Lincoln would say, half a score. I got a penis implant, made a movie about it, big like me. And there's only one caveat. They can only make it thicker, not longer. You know, and I'm a little, disproportionate. I gotta be

honest. You're supposed to go twice. I went three times, third time not a charm. I'm hung like a hockey puck. It's really a couple cans of tuna stacked on top of one another, but not that cheap bumblebee shit. Talk about that albacore, that solid white meat. That's what I got. True. All right, Greg Bergman.

Greg, I miss the big dick thing. Can you explain it? I was trying to, I was doing three things. Oh, oh, literally. I really missed it. I have one, big dick. Yeah. That was it.

You really just have a big dick? I was like, I must have missed a bunch of it. Well, they were- It was thick. Yes, I have a penis implant and you really do? Yeah, I do. You really do? No, I do.

Okay, so let's talk. Let's start there. I can't imagine starting one else, so... Is it what I'm seeing right now bulging out of your pants? Yeah, yeah. Is that your dick? That is a fucking water. I know.

Touch it. Those are genes. Those are... Touch it. It's not gay if it's an implant. Whoa! It is a little hard. No, no, no, that's just the plastic stuff.

Does it stay like that? No, so, yeah, it hangs lower, it hangs more because there is plastic in it, so... Bird, are you okay? That's fucking real. Yeah, yeah. I just heard you tell a ghost story at a campfire, and I got in my tent and saw shadows. You can, dreams really do come from. That is a solid cock, and it's just, it's limp.

That's the one you want is the one that black guys have in the shower. That's it. This is incredible. We've been doing this show 13 years, and I have 784 questions remaining. My first question is, why is Bert kind of hard now? Now this is how it goes. You have to touch Bert's, and then it goes all the way down until redband comes in his pants.

All right, so great. I don't even know where to begin. When did you get this penis implant? How soon was your dick? Okay, in 2014, I made a movie about it. Called Big Like Me, it's on Tooby now. The director's cut now on Tooby. Fantastic.

And, and... We can watch, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tube is the perfect network to pick this up. Well, there was this other movie called Lung Hung Hero that got to South by Southwest. Two months before we were done with editing it, fuck me.

because conceptually was similar, so it fucked me with festival. So that guy now has cancer, and I'm glad. Oh, my God. But that little dick, he didn't go all the way. I went all the way. I got it. Can I make one just suggesting

from a professional comedian to you? You got to close with a dick, okay? You can't open with it because I can't stop looking at your dick. It's so prominent. It is like... I thought Bert was going to say when you come out on stage to start your set,

you just pull it out and then do your whole set with your dick hanging out the entire. I could be like a star. Here's my idea. I have an idea. You come out with your dick out. It has a shirt on. And then you pull the shirt off and the crowd goes wild. This is why you're who you are.

Okay. So let's start with the question that everybody wants to know exactly how big was your dick pre-implant. Okay. So we're talking about it can only make it thick. It only make it thicker. That's not true. They have it where you have a pop. Let's not argue about it.

I know it's done deep research on this. Let the expert. They can make it. It's not true. The many of things you can get. Shut the fuck. Okay, shut off. They can make it longer, but only really when it's flaccid.

Nobody cares about that. So really the thickness is what matters. It was a normal thing. Everything was normal or else it wouldn't be compelling. If it was a tiny dick, it's not funny. If it's a big dick, one's bigger. Normal dick, normal length. Normal girth.

Maybe a little small of no, but normal. In the, in the statistic, A statistical average. Give my fucking numbers, boy. You went to a doctor. Okay, okay. Well, the average, the average girf is five inches circumference. That's where I was.

So it's right in the statistical mean. But I blew my shit up. I went three times, not twice. First of all, circumference. Can I feel one more time? You got the measuring tape out? I got eight and a half inches circumference now. Like Shane Diesel, right next to him.

Wow. I'm eight, he's eight and a half. Wow. Eight inches circumference. That's like, that's like, it's like, it's like, it's a half. Like this, Tony. For you to know, for your reference.

I think I can fit that. It's unnecessary. No one has to, it's not, you don't have to. So eight inches around right now? Yeah, actually a little bigger when it's soft, depending on humidity and stuff, it's very straight. You know, and it's bigger when it's soft? Yeah, a little bigger where it's like almost all the way hard, it's a little bit bigger. It's weird.

It's definitely weird. Rick. You know, whatever. I'm not saying more. My mind is picturing the side by side of Florida. of Florida and Phoenix. It's as big as your wrist. That's eight.

Do we have a measuring tape? Just for a wrist. That's not as exciting. This fucking homo right here is like, yeah, let's go. Here's what I'm wondering. Something that big, are you even able to get it into a dude's butt? That was my next question. Yeah.

All right, there's a measuring tape. Let's do Bert's writs. Let's see what we got here. Because eight around seems like a lot. Maybe I'm crazy. Well, no, you're not. What is a can? You're not insane.

Are you serious? Oh, Bert's got it. There we go. Uh-oh. Wow. I'm all teeth, but I got it in. This guy isn't the king of, God damn it. I'll do whatever you want.

Mr. Bert. What do you want? Anytime people go, how did Bert get his career? We're just going to send that picture. That is unbelievable. It's impressive. You need to lose the joke. Just talk about your dick.

Okay. You have said, like everyone has dick jokes, right? We all have dick jokes. It's such a staple of comedy. And you have the best dick jokes ever because you have that thing. Right. Right.

I actually loved the opening joke all. Oh, the opening group is amazing. Yeah. It was. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Off and on 15 years, but consistently a year and a half. I was a little bitch. At the comedy store a long time ago, I've seen it.

20 years ago, I started, I stopped. I was a little bit of a bitch. I can tell you have, like, showbiz. You have, like, weird, like, sham-wild guy energy's up here. Like, you're very comfortable up here for... Well, not so. I'm wildly nervous, actually. But I'm getting into it.

I can tell your dick's big as fuck. Yeah. If you were really... What happens when I get nervous? You don't want to make me nervous. Oh, my goodness. Have you had the Shambiard guy on? Yeah, he popped out once.

One time there was a guy on stage who goes, I came with the Shamwell guy. I'm like, the Shamwell guy's here? Let's get him out of here. And then he did. One time he goes, hey, will you drive me somewhere? And I go, yeah. And he goes, where are we going?

And he goes, my mom's house. And I drove him to his mom's house and he told me about how the reason he punched a prostitute was because the Church of Scientology set him up. Yeah, that's. That's the same guy we met.

Yeah. Yeah, no doubt about it. Yep. So Greg Bergman, how old are you? 46. 46. What have you been doing your entire life? Because, again, you have these wacky energies.

You have, like, perfect eyebrows. I did, well, I did this do mascara. I usually get them done, but I put, yeah, you were right with the gig. Yeah, I figured it out. Yeah, you're on top of it. Are those veneers, too? You have fake teeth? Yeah, yeah.

How about the hair? Did you get hair? No, no, the hair's all, it's a one thing. Nobody believes you. That's not, no, no, no, no. When you go 85% fake, no one believes. I got dick and teeth, everything else is real. Okay.

Fake dick, hair, reels, a day. And my eyebrows are colored in. Usually I get a professional dip. Eyebrows? But yeah, anyway. I've been, I made some movies. I mean, some people did. And I, then I was a financial editor, and I did some stock kind of stuff.

And then I went poor a few times and went crazy. Give us your best, worry. Your best story that involves drugs and Andy Dick. An Andy Dick? Do you have one? Do you have an Andy Dick? No, I don't have an Andy Dick story. Wow. You could... Dave with that dick, you would have an Andy Dick.

I know. I don't have an Andy Dick story. Absolutely incredible, Greg. So how did you make most of your money? Doing the financial stuff? Yeah, that and paid to do a couple movies, but mostly financials. I've been one investor of it like me. Nothing ever worked out. But they're good.

Nobody gives a shit. In Italy, they know my dick movie. Let's go back to the fucking nitty-gritty here. How much was the fucking nitty-gritty here? How much was the penis implant? How much did it come? Penis implant is, it's 3,500 per injections. You're supposed to get two series of injections.

I went three, but they gave me a discount because I made the movie, and that's why I have what is unusually thick. You're supposed to have two. I went three times, and the third time you got more, you don't know how much you're getting every time. This is like a Hulk serum situation. Yeah.

This is how super villains are made. This is how super villains are made. Was there any sense? Side effects from the third injection. No, it's just too big. Come on. You know, it's, no. There must have been something.

Was it, did it feel weird to pee or something? No, no side effects other than when I went to New Orleans. Just right after that, you probably know, Joe. You got this done in New Orleans? No, I got done Mexico. Oh, Jesus Christ. But he trained, no, he trained super-sio. Oh, my God, you got beans in your burrito, dude.

Yeah. If there was ever a time to travel to Africa for plastic surgery, I don't know if I go to Mexico. It's actually been quite good. Not to mention when they finally cut his dick open and get their cocaine back, they're going to be fucking furious. Talk mule.

Oh, my God. Oh, shit. You wake up, it's going to be big, we promise. We ended up going with three shots. You have the dick of a mule. Amazing Bergman. Amazing Greg Bergman. What's your love life like?

Did you have a girl when you were getting these injections? I was married when I got these injections, yeah. How did that end? Divorce. Yeah, but not because of it. Actually, she liked it more than before. It's something. Well, welcome to another episode of No Fucking Shit.

Yeah, yeah. But I think the kind of, maybe it was the kind of person who would do with it. She left me. Why? Why do you think she left you? Did she leave you for another man? No, no. She left me. The movie got a little bit too much.

It's taking a lot of your time. Also, I had my dad, it's not funny. My dad's schizophrenic. I used to die in LA, you know, live on the street and insane. And I do draw, you know, not anymore, but I used to do a lot of drugs. You know, what kind of drugs?

Just, you know, go. Give us 33 more reasons why she left you. You're really unwinding. What's it? Yeah, yeah. The diddling. It was for dittling. We grew apart.

just say like a grow apart I think it's the best way I say. Amazing. You grew apart. Naturally grew apart. Naturally grew up part. No injections. Nothing to do with me, but grew apart.

Wow. Like her vajole grew apart after she fucked up for the first time. Exactly. I'm kind of blown away. Yeah? Yeah, this is really fascinating to me.

Isn't it amazing? I cannot stop looking at his dick. It is, for those of you listening, wondering why it seems like we're all kind of staring. It does look like he has a... It's a fun thing. It's like Pinocchio during COVID.

We're wearing a mask and you're like, I still know you're Pinocchio. Yeah, it does. He looks like he has one of those, like, really good steakhouse baked potatoes in his pan. One of those fully loaded with the sour cream chives, bacon.

Twice baked with a little extra attitude. Wow. You ever seen a fupa? It's like a baby fupa. It's like just... On a fupa. It's like a fubu. Fupa because it's black

because it's thick. Speaking of which, we have a killtony big joke book that just so happens. I'm not kidding to have fucking King Kong a giant gorilla on the front. What better than you to get this? I liked the opening joke. I didn't understand you talking about your big

dick, but if you're going to do stand-up, I agree, you should have jokes about getting a penis implant. You should hit it on the nose. There he goes. Great Bergman, everybody. Wow. What an interview. What an interview. That is the first fake dick on the show that also happens to have a penis implant. I don't have ones that make it long, by the way. Is everybody good out there? You guys

having fun? This is kind of like a crowd's never really been brought together all at one time yet. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Elyzer Guzman. Eliezer. I know I'm saying that wrong. Guzman, everybody. Hey, everybody. Tell us our again. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight. So I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push-ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive.

Tell them I miss them. Yeah, yeah, I, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell on a lime scooter about a month ago, and I fell on my right hand, and I couldn't use it for a while, and it made things awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex-girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk, I was drunk, so we made out.

She was like, I want you to finger me right now. But all I had was my left. And the best way I could describe it, you ever try to plug your charger in the dark? Like, I could have sworn the holes are right here. If you didn't get that, you're European. Elazar. Welcome.

Welcome back. You've been on this show before I remember because your name is hard to pronounce. Yes. Elizar. What is that again? It's Jewish. Oh, wow.

All right. I'm not Jewish, though. You have a Jewish name? You're just trying to make it in showbiz? Yeah Well, my mom's Puerto Rican So she was just trying to help You know I mean?

Nice What's your dad? My dad is Peruvian Okay All right, look at that Unbelievable Elazar What does it mean?

Does it mean something? It means God has helped God has helped Has helped God has helped Yeah Not with your set Obviously

How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it 12 years. 12 years? Wow. Where at? That's the funniest thing you said all night. Where have you been doing it? New Jersey, New York, all over the country.

In my bedroom. How long were you doing stand-up in New York? About 10 years. Did you like it? Yeah, I liked it a lot. You love it. How long ago did you move to Austin? I moved here about a year and nine months ago.

Okay. What do you do for work? I work at a chef and I work as dispensary, so I work to dispensary. Okay. All right. What kind of chef are you? I make burgers. He really

helped his title there with chef. Yeah. I make burgers. Where are we making burgers? I work at NADC, but I'm trying to expand. Nice. That's a good thing to say to Philip. Yeah, we're all friends with the owner of NADC. It is

an unbelievable burger. In fact, it's almost too good. It makes you want to go to sleep afterwards. It's like heroin. It's absolutely incredible. What? Okie dokey. Yeah. I think I...

That was cool. He's like the first mass shooter vibe we've had of the night. Yeah. And to get someone from the crowd with the same vibe shouting out was cool. Yeah, I said heroin and that guy said Janine. Oh yeah, yeah. Okay. Anyway, now we got his dealer's name. Was this primarily newer stuff you were working on tonight?

Yeah, it was, yeah. I was saying for 12 years, I would love to hear like an old joke that you know works. Yeah, you have like one of your favorite jokes that you could just do just to show us how funny you are. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his old jokes, make some noise for Elizar, everybody. Here we go. I've been going to therapy lately. Had a weird situation. My real father was a criminal.

And my stepdad was a little person. So I had no one to look up to. Yeah. What? I... What? A lot of comics in the middle of the joke. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Go ahead, go ahead. When I met him, I was just five years old, and he was just a little bigger than me. And my mom was like, this is your new stepdad. I was like, my stepdad is seven years old. And it gave me weird. And it gave me weird confidence because he used to hit me. Yeah, and even when I was little, I was like, this bigger kid hits like a bitch.

But what really messed me up is I met him when I was five. So I just started school that year and I was getting bullied at recess. So I was like, wow, those kids really meant it when they said they were going to fuck my mom. Wow. Wow. Look at that. Do that next time. You would think he would have done that in front of the millions of viewers. But he's just out here bawling out of control, trying brand new. new stuff.

Yeah, probably A-game it on this podcast. Yeah. You're like the guy in the orgy just jerking off in the corner going, no, I'll do it myself. I don't want to come too quick the first time, so I'm going to do this. I'm going to unload one and then I'm coming in. Is your stepfather really a little guy? No. Oh.

Oh, just lie to me next time. Yeah. He's just five, six. A talented midget. midget. Elazar, tell us something crazy about your life that we would never guess about you.

I grew up Jehovah's Witness. Yeah. Used to be really fat. Used to be like 300 pounds. How thick is your dick? That's the big question of the night. How did you lose the weight? How did I lose the weight? I stopped drinking for like

four months. Oh. Yeah. Feet? How much were you drinking? Well, it turns out it wasn't fat. I was just a drunk piece of shit. Were you drinking all day all throughout the day?

Pretty much just every day. What were you drinking gravy? IPAs. Loggers off, mostly. IPAs will do it. IPAs are a whole thing. Amazing. So Jehovah's Witnesses can't have medicine, right?

No, that's Christian scientists. Oh, my bad. Jove's witnesses don't have birthdays. Yeah. Is that true? So how do you show up in this world? Bert, um, philosophically, they can't have a birthday. They are bored.

So did you not celebrate a birthday for a long time? No, literally, literally my mom would be like, it's a special day today. And I'd be like, what is it? She's like, I can't tell you, check your birth certificate. And that would literally be it, yeah, yeah. So you didn't get presents? I didn't get presents or nothing, no. It's just, I got used to it.

Did you have cake? So did Tina Turner. Jesus Christ. What an abusive fucking thing. It's a special day today, bitch. All right, check your birth. When's the first time you celebrated your birthday? I was 17.

A bunch of my friends who were trying to make me stop being a Jehovah's Witness. I bet. They were like, hey, we're all going to be at a bridge. somewhere where you can preach to us. And I showed up to the bridge. Great friends. Yeah, yeah. They had a 30 pack of beers and they were like, happy birthday. Wow. What a surprise

party slash intervention. So I was like, surprise, surprise for what? Your birthday? Oh shit. I'm getting the fucking full boo cock. Yeah. It's a great intervention when your friends bring you a 30 pack of beer for the first. Is your family still Jehovah's Witness?

Yeah. My mom's really into it, yeah. Damn, that's up. I mean, she's still awesome. She's great mom, so. Remember the part where she didn't give you fucking birthday presents? Yeah.

Great mom. My uncle was really cool, man. He had the softest fingers in the world. Old Silky Uncle Day. Yeah. So she gave you a Jewish name and no presents. That's fucked up. Wow.

That's incredible. Yeah, my birthday was pretty weird when I was born. When is your birthday? Now I'm curious. August 21st, 1990. August 21st. Yeah, I was born premature, so my lungs didn't work. So the doctors told my mom that I was probably going to die, and she prayed to God, and she said,

if my god, if my son lives, I will give him to you. And because I lived, she named me Elisar. So that's why my name is... That's kind of cute. Wow, that's incredible. For her to come all this way and see him die on stage tonight. Before the big comeback. He rose again.

Elazar, you did it. It was a rough minute, but then you did a good minute. So it's a medium joke book tonight. Keep signing up. Oh, Elizar. Almost went in the kidding. Right off the chest. Right off the chest.

God did not help him catch that joke book. There goes Elizar. everybody. All right. We're having fun here. We're cooking. And here we go. Three word name. Your fourth bucket pool of the night is Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Here comes Sharon Ruth. Tony people take two. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I have two helpful hints for the male of our species to better interact with me. One, if you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony, more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take, and inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you

insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience, Be aware, in Texas in a handful of other states, it is against the law. I find them amusing, so I will allow it. If, and only if, you follow these guidelines. Well lit, head to toe, nude, fully erect, holding a 16-ounce bottle adjacent

for size comparison. Thank you. Jesus fucking Christ. Sharon, what the fuck was that, dude? Well, here's the deal, Tony. After the last time, I figured out that I, being a naturally born female, cannot ever possibly say something at all funny. So I should say something that would make my life easier

when the onslaught of like your 10,000, you know, male followers... 10,000 male followers. 10,000. Wow. The big 10,000. Yeah. Let's check in with Rick Ingram here. The first thing is, we gotta send her a pick of that thick dick from earlier.

Yeah, no doubt about it. We gotta get that. Correct. We're gonna have to scan it on a printer because it's not gonna be on an iPhone. There was so much insanity throughout that set. Was the implication that I've mentioned to you my penis? When I was on last time, you did mention your penis twice, so I changed the subject.

What was the context of me mentioning my penis? It was just how hard you were or not. One time was not so much. One time was really hard. What were we talking about at the time? Which the first time was probably my set. The second time was that I'd shot somebody. Anthony, I think you're a little bit out of context here, but no doubt about it.

I mention my penis very rarely. No, you did mention it. Was it a he-he-ha-ha? Did people go ha-ha afterwards, Sharon? Did they make that wacky noise that you don't understand how it gets made? This is the one of that thing right there. You hear that? That wacky noise?

You hear that? I went ahead and changed the subject and asked if you were circumcised. And some people were like, they got it and they thought it was hilarious. And then some people were like, that came out of nowhere. And I was like, no, he mentioned his penis.

So I'm allowed to ask if he circumcised. Okay, Sharon, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Tony, did you guys date at any point? Oh, God. Sharon Ruth, uh, you have three words to your name and not that many punchlines at all.

This is incredible. When you were in high school, did you, like, tell people you were, like, a cat or something like that? Yeah. That's a great question. You do have those energies. I know, I'm really a cat.

My boyfriend's an energy vampire. He's going to be a librarian for 300 years. Are you doing comedy, other places? I am. Where? Where? Like, what are you doing? How often do you try this?

I did comedy in Spain last year. It was pretty cool. Well, they probably couldn't understand you either. They have a pretty big English-speaking comedy scene, actually. All right. Wow. Are you like the last guy? Do you have, like, different jokes that are better than whatever you plan to do here tonight that nobody understood?

No, I am technically more of a storytelling comic, and, like, a minute is kind of hard. Wow, we'd love to hear a 25-minute banger from Sharon Ruth Hens. but... Wow. I think we're gonna have to keep it moving. No, the main reason I wanted to come on is so last time... So I have a major anxiety disorder

and last time I almost did pass out on stage nobody could tell. Oh, we should have been so lucky. Yeah. This time it's not that much better. I was hoping the nerves would go down a second time, but it's just really hard.

I think it's contagious. I felt like you were nervous running through that. Yeah. You felt like a hologram. Well, no, I wanted to get it in in a minute. Like I respect the minute timeline I think you're looking at comedy the wrong way

Respect a joke and then make it like don't try to cram it into a minute I think that's where the disconnect was is slow it down and and find your pacing because it did feel rushed I don't want to be shitty because I've been nervous on stage and tore through material before But I'll be shitty you could have done that You could have pumped the brakes on that and done it so slow That it took 20 minutes to get through that. And it's still, there's not a funny, unidentifiable moment throughout the entire thing. I did it very intentionally.

It is funny to certain select people. Who are these people? Where are they? Can I suggest trying to perform to maybe the Kill Tony audience? Maybe them. No, what I was from last time. So I am not a person. Oh, God.

Sharon. No, no, no. Let it happen. No one can't. What's your name? Karen Ruth? Sharon Ruth? Sharon.

What do you want to tell the kill Tony audience, Sharon, I don't know if you think this is going to get any better for you. I am not a person who would do well in jail. I do know from experience. So I should not be talking about things on stage until those pesky statute of limitations run out. There's no statute on attempted murder. So I should not have mentioned that last time.

Okay. Wait, so is it possible we could get her arrested tonight? And then... Sharon Ruth, you just mentioned it again. Do you know that? No, I know. Like, I'm like, well, I already made the mistake. Like, let me lay into it.

There's something very melodic about her voice when she starts to lose it. And it's like, la-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I, uh... I feel like one of those Spanish people right now going like, I get it. You know, and I got your movie. I actually liked it.

All right, Sharon. Did you get a little joke book last time? You got a little joke book before I'm guessing? No, I got a big one. Because of the interview. Because the audience demanded it. All right, Sharon. Sharon, you get nothing this time.

There goes Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Good Lord. Unbearable. You've upset Tony's penis. Unbearable. Very good. A joke by Red Band, everybody. There you go.

There she goes. Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. with the patented last one last crazy glare in the eyes. Little eye contact for everybody. Oh, my God. That's exciting. Yeah. Sharon, it might be time for Sharon to take a break from signing up.

All right. We have a regular that's going to sage the room right now. He is the newest force of nature regular here on Kelton. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Guys, I hate the Greyhound. I'm so glad I don't go take the Greyhound no more. One time, a nigga with no arms stole my wallet.

I'll say it again. A nigga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I called him is because my wallet was in my hoodie because it was cold out and I felt that nigga big toes scraped across my tummy. And then while I awoke,

that shit was right there in between his thumb toe, I don't know what you call it, but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker, and he got strong legs. He got nice legs, because you know how like Daredevil, his eyes don't work, so his ears is stronger, so his arms is his legs. So when I tried to grab that shit,

I had to like tug a, you know, I had to tug a war with this nigga, then I started wrestling my wallet away. He talked about, you cheating, you cheating, because I had to use my arms and my legs. to get it away. When I finally got it, I stood up with my wallet,

and he stood up with me, but he was wearing a hoodie, too, with no arms. His arms was dangling. So when he stood up, he was like, what are you going to do? Snitch. I was like, no, nigga,

we still got eight hours on this bus. I can't snitch. How dare you? Because the thing is, when I ride the Greyhound, I got my gun on me, and they tell you you can't ride with your gun. You won't get in trouble.

Go to court. Go to court. If you tell the judge, I was like, why did you have your gun? I was like, I want a grey hound and I got all of my teeth. They'll be like acquitted every single time. Because if I had woken up

and that nigger had stole my wallet with my gun, ain't nobody going, ain't nobody going nowhere until I buy my Transformers Velcro wallet. I got a Velcro wallet because I want people to hear me at least try to pay for something.

Everybody within 8 to 10 feet, when you hear that shit, you're like he did the best that he could. That's my time, y'all. Oh, y'all? A new two minutes from Dedrick Flynn twice as long as Sharon Ruth Hensley did 29 more verifiable punchlines

Absolutely incredible, Dedrick 17 less hexes, though, unfortunately. Uh, Dedrick, that is fucking fantastic. Great job. I love Greyhound material. Yeah. I do. Not enough people have written Greyhound

to know fucking just how sketchy that is. It's in a pocket. Like, you know when they drop the nukes and they have like a center where everybody meet? That's what the Greyhound is. You don't know what year it is based on what niggas is wearing. When you get out of prison, they give you a Greyhound ticket.

Yes, they do. So you sit, the majority of the people on that bus just got out of prison. Yeah. I fucking took Greyhound from Tallahassee to Tampa all the time. Wow. I remember when Biggie's album came out, I had headsets and a tape play.

or a CD player. And a dude who just got out of prison? He was like, what do you listen to? I was like, a notorious B.I.G. He goes, can I see your headsets? And that was it. They were hit. That's why you gotta have a gun, Bert. You gotta have it.

Hell yeah. We all get robbed on a greyhound. Of emotion. Nothing. Bottles get passed around on grid. Oh, yes, they do. Fucking experience. You feel bad the people are mostly vagabonds and drifters.

But everyone on a bus, no matter where you are, looks like they're from Albuquerque. Yeah, it is a certain type. Definitely a table from Albuquerque. Burned! What the fuck! Yeah. I stand by what I say. No, they look like that.

Don't let them. Get on your bus and go back. Armadillo people. That's right. Dedrick. So you've taken the Greyhound quite a lot? Not no more. I did before.

Well, yeah, we know not anymore. It hurt. Yeah. It hurt in here. Like, it's... When you get on there and you got more teeth than everybody combined. When I was on the Greyhound...

I noticed I was the only one with teeth. A nigger stole my wallet. Because I was there... Two poor on the Greyhound with domestic Killers and the needles lie. They owe you money. Greyhound owes you money. They just have to use that as a commercial.

They just have to own who they are and roll with it. They know. They know. They don't even have an intercom in the Greyhound one time. One time I went to the Atlanta Greyhound, which is the scariest place on Earth. I literally cannot imagine. The entire city of Atlanta scares me.

It seems like the Greyhound Station would be too much. would be too much. And it's right outside of the strip club. So the poor, it's terrifying. And I walked into a lady, I said, when is the bus to Charlotte? Right? I looked at her, and she was looking at me,

and she went, The bus to Charlotte! What did you say? I was like, don't yell at me. I'd rather be on Frontier, and, nigga, I hate Frontier. You know, Atlanta Greyhound Station is dangerous when Dedrick

is the safest person there. Everyone else looks exactly like John D's does right now. Oh, you took it down. You have your fucking scheme mask. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You have it all figured out, John, at a comedy show. He's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go.

There it is, everybody. You know why he got it, right? Doesn't work it. The joke doesn't work. Because we told him that if the power went out, we was going to start looting. Oh, yeah. Because we got to make our kill Tony money somewhere.

Like, I don't steal, but I loot. You know what I'm saying? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Group synergy is different. Yeah. Is the Greyhound in Atlanta right by Magic City?

Yes, it is. I've been to that Greyhound. Wow. You know exactly where the Greyhound stations are. Yeah, yeah. I was just there. Wow. At the Greyhound? At the fucking Greyhound.

You know you got money. You don't have to be there. My father-in-law doesn't. Fucked up. He called you, come get me now. And Magic City. has the best wings in town. Yes, they do.

The lemon pepper. Shout out to Magic. Shout out to Magic City, Atlanta, Georgia. Oh, my God. Dedrick, your set was absolutely fucking incredible. Very good. Very fucking good. Can I tell you just like there's such an energy.

It's almost like watching good ice skaters. Like when you came up, you kind of owned it. Well, it's like, you know, when you watch ice skating, it's not enjoyable at all ever, you mean? Hey, Bert, what's the ice skater? You're the opposite of ice skaters and that we've all enjoyed it before. Why are you watching ice skating?

How do you enjoy that? No, but it's like when you see someone come out confident and you're like, oh, this is going to be, okay, I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked into music and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comic. You have it, man. Yep.

A rising star, ladies and gentlemen. Also, a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign as a black guy that you're doing it right. Come on. Yep. Come on, man. Thank you, somebody.

That guy rode the Greyhound here. The actual big dog, everybody. He rode the actual dog with his cowboy. We better going to get here. One more time for the great Dedrick Flay. Wow. Seems like a comedy show again. Completely cleansed the room of Sharon Ruth Hensley's

nasty, nasty attitude. Tony. Last time I was on you, you talked about your penis in a comedic way. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Zach Townsend, everybody. Here we go. How's it going? I'm 35 years old.

I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one, you know? I kind of see them as the same thing. You know, they're both dangerous. And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? And I'm like, no.

No, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No, yuck. Get my fingerprints off it, yeah? I feel like guns are a lot like kids too because all the worst people I know hold their sideways.

You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money or like baby hanging off the hip at Walmart, you know, some white woman and cookie monster pajama bottoms even though the sun is still up. Come on, you guys have been to Houston before. You know what I'm talking about.

The baby's, the tears are going this way. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too because whenever I see you went out on the street, I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now? You know, and I don't know about you guys, but whenever I'm on Facebook, I see a new article of like a female teacher banging their younger male students.

We got to pay these teachers more money, right? So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age because it's super easy to whine and die in a 15-year-old. You just fucking say six, seven, while you juggle their balls a little bit. You know, it's... All right, I'm Zach. Thank you guys. Wow.

Wow. Zach motherfucking Townsend. Amazing, Zach. Thank you, Tony. How long you've been doing stand-up? Eight years. Fuck, yeah. Where at?

I live in Nashville, Tennessee. Awesome. We love Nashville. Thank you. What got you down to Austin this week? Man by Bert Kreischer, actually. I was opening for him at the Moody Theater. Oh, amazing.

Friday. Amazing. He crushed. I love it. I was like, I was like, man, you better do fucking good. Love that. You crushed, man. I think you're fucking hysterical.

I think you're so talented. That's absolutely incredible. I had no idea that you had anybody here, that anybody even signed up. We got fucking lucky there. Yeah, I was supposed to go home last night, but then the fucking ice is crazy. And the weather's bad, too. Awesome.

Yeah. See, that's the best version of that joke. Look at that. That's incredible. Yeah, and then, so I stayed. Amazing. Zach, so have you lived in Nashville your whole life? No, I'm from Connecticut originally. Okay.

And I started comedy in Tampa. Shout up for Tampa. Hell yeah. Yeah. I love that. He's sober right now. He's not drinking because he's getting married. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, damn. Nice. Yeah. Well, I am also sober for my career, too. But, yeah. How long have you been sober for? Since December 29th. December 29th?

Let me ask you this. Not that I'm counting or anything, you know. Jesus. Let me ask you this because Game recognized game. What exactly did you do on December 29th? For your going away last hurrah. How hard did we go?

Tell two lies in the truth. And we got to guess which one. Okay. What happened on December 29th? Two lies in the truth. I went out two. a bar with my friends, I went out to a bar with my friends, or I got blacked out on wine and had my Coke dealer come over there and accidentally did ketamine.

I'm guessing... No. I'm guessing all three are the truth here. Actually, it was, yeah. Take us through it. So you got drunk on wine? Yeah, it was supposed to be just a chill night. Like my friend just had a baby and they came over. The baby came over too?

The baby was over too. There's like a picture of me like drunk, hanging the band. I was like, oh, they're never going to. You're holding the baby sideways. Yeah, I was like, give it to me. You know, fuck this. Disgusting. I'm going to make this a joke. Yeah.

Can I blow on his stomach? That's a little low, Zach. Someone bring me a gun. Yeah. I was holding it sideways and shit. It was awful. I always wanted to try this. Amazing.

So then you had a little Pulp Fiction moment. You thought you were doing cocaine, but it turned out to be Ketamine, yeah. Well, I think one of my buddies told me it was ketamine and I just was whatever. It's on my nose. Who cares anymore at this point, you know? How did that make you feel? I don't know much about ketamine, but from what I do know, it seems like being extremely drunk off of only wine would mix very oddly with that. Yeah, I don't remember much if I'm being completely honest. Like how it made, there is like video. I went outside to get cigarettes from my car and busted my ass trying to get back in.

And there's like video on the rig camera from my fiancee being like. like hey you fucking you want to see this and I was like no I'm good actually I don't I don't want to really I woke up my hand is all fucked up I was like oh fuck can you please grab that video and post it yeah I felt I felt drunk after I felt drunk into a potted plant and hit my head and knock myself unconscious and it got five million views amazing so Zach you make all your money doing stand-up comedy Yeah, yeah, I do stand-up in a sketch comedy, too. I love it.

What does the future wife do? She's a private, I don't know if I... She's like, works for like the government. Okay, yeah. Perfect. They're doing a lot of good things, right? Yeah. She makes all the decisions in my household, yeah.

Is she in charge of wrangling or anything like that? Yeah, you should see our crawl space. It's actually quite packed right now. Zach, you are so funny. So funny. Where can people find your stuff? On Instagram at Zach Townsend underscore and on paid vacation comedy on YouTube. Yeah. We did a sketch. Actually, we did a sketch about Kill Tony. I don't know if you saw it. Was it the video game? Oh my God. That was me. Yeah, that was so awesome. Yeah.

I fucking loved that. We loved that so much. Literally like our favorite thing. We were just we sent it to each other and everything and all around. absolutely hilarious work. I think you guys should make the video game too. I mean, I think you guys are leaving some money on the table. Everybody's hitting me up about it. It should be a real thing. I absolutely agree. We've talked about it before.

Could totally be down the line. How long are you in town for now? I leave tomorrow. Yeah, I got shows this week. So I've got to try to get back. If I can get back home tomorrow, I've got to try to get back home. Amazing. Well, we, how about you come back when next time we do the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville?

and do a spot on theirs. I would absolutely love to do that. I would love to do that, yeah. Follow this man at Zach Townsend and repost the video game sketch and tag us in it, and we'll repost it. It's so funny. Thank you guys so much.

Appreciate it. One more time for Zach Townsend, everybody. That's crazy. You just picked him out, too. Yeah, great stuff, man. All right. We're having fun now. Look at this, cooking on the back half of this episode.

Starting with that horrible monster of a lady. Oh, my God. incredible. And who could forget? Big Vinny. Greg Bergman's fake cock. Elizard deciding to do a brand new untested minute in front of five million people. Sharon Ruth Hensley and then the table's turn. Let's see if we can keep the momentum as the bucket has decided

that up next comes Angel Diaz, everybody. Yo, fuck yeah. You, give it up for myself one time. Hell yeah. Fuck, I actually have a real-life question. Is anyone in here subletting a room? Fuck me, bro. God damn.

Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right, well, it's because I have to move out of my apartment, like, really bad. Like, all right, this is a text message thread between, like, me and my landlord. I had to write it down. All right, this is what I said to it. I said, um, I said, um,

Mr. Landlord, no, I said, Mr. Landlord, man, can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. to fix the AC unit? And this is what he said. He said, you short little Mexican man. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He ain't say that. He didn't say that. He said, I am doing a live stream set on the radio. Please. Oh, fuck. Please tune in online. and I will come around for

you won't believe who the fuck is a DJ oh yeah you know what yeah yeah you yeah you'll give it up for me I just get good fuck Angel Diaz yeah oh the old butt slap of Angel Diaz

he opened and closed the little ass slap I love it yeah bringing the right energy fuck yeah you're good guys swagger and confidence and stage presence

unlike almost anyone that's been up here tonight. Hell yeah. You know, I'm a good guy. I don't know. What else the fuck do I say? What else? Wow, look at you.

Angel. How old are you? I just turned 26 last week. Yo, give it up for 26. Okay. They don't have to give it up for everything. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, Angel. This is like of rage against the machine

was a homeless guy. Yeah. I feel like he's going to make noise for every question I have. Hey, give it up for working at a vape store. What do you do for work, Angel? Yo, I have no job whatsoever. No.

No. Yeah, I have no job. How do you survive, Angel? Take us through a day in the life. So, all right, so I've been going out of state to go steal shit. Oh, this is amazing. Yeah. Give it up for stealing shit.

Okay, there you go. He's got a many question. Give it up for him being so thoughtful, at least go out of state. Yeah. There's a third butt slap. Sell it while you're still in the other state. You don't want to cross state lines.

Just a little advice. What did you just say? Perfect. Nailed it. Angel. So do you really make money stealing shit? Well, not really, but kind of. Well, if I steal anything, like, it's for myself,

but like if you need bounty, I mean, I don't know. Like, that's like the type of shit I'm stealing, you know? Like paper towels? Yeah, it's bad. Can you give us an example of some time? some time that you've stolen something? Well, allegedly... Oh, you are a natural Angel Diaz.

I might bring you back just for interviews. What I like is he said bounty, which is a way of saying amount of money for something, but he actually meant paper towel. Yeah, exactly. He's definitely going to California to do this, right? What was that? The California? Yo, I don't know what this guy is telling me.

I'm sorry, I can't hear him too well. You're okay. Give it up from California. Angel, so take us through it. Allegedly. All right, so yeah, so I'll like pick up like maybe three things. Yo, am I going to go to jail for this? No, no way.

You are protected. This is a comedy show and everything is a joke. Yeah, but like... Nothing leaves this room today. Yeah. But like, what if they catch... What if they catch me on camera? You know what I'm trying to say?

Like, we're saying, yo, this is you and, like, this is you talking about it on the show. Angel, I got good news for you. Everybody that's ever stolen anything looks exactly like you. There's no way you can get in trouble for this. All right. Keep going, Angel. Tell us about the amazing work of the bounty hunter, Angel Diaz. Now, yeah, so I'll just walk in and then, like, I'll just, like, I'll walk out with, like, a whole bunch of bounty.

And then, like, I'll sell it to, like, the first person who needs bounty in this. their house, you know? Like, uh, is anyone stop letting a room? Hold on, Angel. Seriously, though. Have you really stolen bounty paper towels? Well, it's between bounty and spray paint. And so, like, I can't, honestly, I really can't talk about it too much, because, like, right now I have, like,

an open case. Oh. Wait, Angel, absolutely stop talking about it. We thought you were talking about allegedly. Yo, well, let's just talk. By the way, I would just that if you talk to the judge,

I think she's gonna let you go. I don't know, like, yeah, all right, yeah, no, can I just walk off now? No, no, no. You are like a fucking goldmone. Yeah, we might keep you here all that thing. Look, we're like porn directors, and a 18-year-old girl just showed up and goes,

I don't know my dad, we're like, all right. Yeah. This is incredible. Angel Diaz. So what exactly, you can talk about this. What exactly is? the open case for right now? Well, honestly, all right, well, it's for graffiti

because I got caught and like, so pretty much it's like this. It's like, well, allegedly they saw me. He's got two catchphrases, a butt slap and allegedly. Yo, I'm gonna do the butt slap on my way out and it better be funny, I don't know, but, um, so yeah, pretty much they call me like on camera, like the NYPD, they call me on camera pushing like an old graffiti writer and they were like, yo, this is you and then like,

this is you pushing the old man. And like I couldn't deny, I'd be like, no, I don't know. That picture seems a little blurry. So like, that's pretty much what I've been up to. Yo, so how you, so how, yeah, I got, what's your name? No, I don't know, I'm sorry. So Angel. You just don't ever change.

I don't know, I'm sorry. Yeah. You're perfect. Put them in a jar. Let's keep it. I know. I want to hire him. Like it's a bug.

I want to hire him and just wake up every morning on the tour bus and go, we need bounty and spray paint. Angel? I love Rick's idea. Put him in a mason jar and just show them off. It's like a light. If you shake him a little bit, he slaps his butt. Look. Angel Diaz, so you live-

Give it up for air holes. Yo, can I have that water? Yo, is there any chance you guys could crack that water? Oh, yes, please have a delicious water. Angel Diaz, what is your living? Oh my goodness. See, that wouldn't have gotten wet if we had a mason jar. I wish I had a boundary right now.

I'm a little wet. Angel. Angel, what is your living situation in Austin, Texas right now? Do you live here now? Um, well, like, well, right, not really. Allegedly. Like, um, well, I kind of stay with my sister, like, uh, when she, and she just had a baby, so I can't really stay there. Is anyone stop letting a room?

I'm sorry. I'm gonna stop saying that, I'm sorry. But seriously, you live with your sister? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where she lives in Austin? Yeah, North Austin. How long have you been in Austin? Like, um.

Wednesday since last Wednesday? Where did you come from? New York City. New York. How did you get here? I took a plane, bro. Like, what the hell? Well, no, there's been a lot of talk of Greyhound buses tonight. And if anybody that I know from this episode belongs on a Greyhound bus,

buddy, it's you. By the way, the judgment he showed towards the other Kill Tony guy for being on the Greyhound bus just now. So fucked up. Tony, who do you think I am, man? I took a fucking spirit flight, dude. Yo, I literally took a spirit flight.

No. Do you remember your boarding position by any chance? Yo, I was D-26. Oh, my God. That's pretty much last, right? I can't imagine what the guy behind you looked like. Does anybody see my pants? Dude, the guy behind me stole my pants.

The guy behind me stole my wallet with his feet. All right. Do you date? Yeah, yeah. Yo, wait, can I shout my girlfriend out? Nope. Yeah, sure. Can I?

Yeah, someone bleep out. I'm sorry. I should have never said that. There you go. She is now under arrest. Deep Madness is actually going to bang her right now. You are fucking low. Okay, so Angel, where did you meet your girlfriend at?

Alright, so I met her at a park and yo, but it was crazy the way I did meet her though So I saw her smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes and then I was like um so I went to the store Are you okay? We're watching a legend when she was she sitting in the park and you walked up and said you know I'm the quicker picker up her Fuck yeah watch free bird out now on Netflix I fucking love this kid I know Me too. How much do you cost? We're not telling him today.

I'll fucking pay for this kid just to be around me all the time. Yeah. Boom. Everybody loves him. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm serious. I'm going to stop. I love it.

Bird, I can't wait to see the kind of trouble you get in when you purchase him right up. For $2,100. I bet I could get him for 35 grand. No, more like 4,000. No doubt. He's a tough negotiator, Bert. He's Angel Diaz. Keep your 35,000.

Keep your third one, Bert. A master negotiator. 35 grand. I'll do it for four. Is anybody leasing a room? Angel Diaz will sleep in the gas tank of your tor bus, Bert. Hey, yo, just give me a

I don't even need the money. Just give me a can of spray-paying paper towels, dude. I'll fucking do art. I'll fucking deck out your boss, burnt. Okay, Angel. So let's talk about it. What jobs have you had before? I can't imagine you really holding down anything at all.

So I used to work at a halal, at a halal shop. Uh-huh. And then I worked at a top. Yo, are, yo, is anyone going to, is anyone going to, is anyone going to, is anyone going to, pick that glass up, like, what is going on? He's like a fucking goldfish. Is anyone...

It's like anything that happens around him. He's like, funky! Yo, I better hope no one's barefoot, you know? Jesus Christ, you know. He better hope. He better hope. He better hope.

Fuck. Hold on, I'm waiting for this hope. Is it coming? They better not hope, but he better hope. That was Obama's initial pitch. Better hope. Angel, you are so naturally funny. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

I've been doing it for like two years now. Yo, actually, yo, if I had my phone, yo, last time I came to Austin, they were like, yo, never do comedy in Austin. We fucking hate your guts. And like, I feel like, you know, I can't even, you know, I don't know, I don't want to blow them up.

All right. I don't want, I don't want to, are you serious? There's something so magical about laughing at someone and not with them. Now I tell me, come on. It hits different. His reactions to normal everyday things are unbelievably funny. It's like crowd work I've never seen before. Are you serious is crazy?

Are you serious? You better hope nobody's barefoot is insane. Like these are things, I mean, Rick is a crowdwork god, but I'm not quite sure I've seen anything. Oh, he's dead. D-Xing the audience, Rick. I mean, as a crowd work, Sith Ford, you must admit.

I'll say this. I don't think most people should be allowed to do crowd work. But I also think we all have to hope that no one is barefoot out there. And to hear it said, I went, yeah, that makes sense. This guy's a master. Crushing water?

I mean, this dude's doing it. Even the way he hydrates his next level. Yeah, he hydrates like he's very thirsty. I am very thirsty right now. I actually do want to walk off. Why do you want to walk off, Angel? I don't know. I just want to go home.

But why? What are you going to do when you get home? What are you looking forward to? So, yo, actually, I got to watch the second half of Oppenheimer. So, like, I'm excited about that. Oh, my God. I would pay money to watch Oppenheimer with them. I can't even fucking imagine.

Yo, they just split the atom, man. For real, man. I hope nobody was barefoot in there, dude. That's radioactive. Shit. Do you imagine going home and his sister and the baby sitting there while he watches Oppenheimer?

Can you walk me through what you've seen in Oppenheimer so far? Yo, so I saw the part where they were like, oh, oh, so they were recruiting a whole bunch of guys, and then they were like, yo, maybe you're a... the one who could like help us really like build this shit and they were like so who are we fighting against and they were like yo the Nazis and they were like all right bet let's just go fight it

I bet let's just go go go I bet so I think maybe a movie review podcast oh my god what's a movie that you finished recently Angel Diaz what's your favorite movie oh okay all right my favorite movie is the Tala Haga Knights

the world famous Tala Haga Nights everybody You know it, you love it, everybody's seen. Oh, yeah. With old Larry Bobby. You could not write this if you tried. Just give up and it's pure.

This is absolutely incredible. Can you give us a... A little synopsis? Yeah, a little synopsis of Tallahagga night. Okay. So pretty much it starts off with like a guy that, like, he's like a race driver. guy and then like, um, fucking, towards the end, he gets, like, his bitch took. Yeah.

Yep. Yep. Yeah. And then he has to, like, kind of, like, stunt on her. Like, yo, I just came in number one. And then, like, the guy, but the guy is, like, his best friend that took his bitch. Keep that in mind. So he's like... Keep that in mind is the name of the podcast.

That's coming back. Keep that in mind. It's just... Wow. That's so good. I'm gonna... This interview. has gone on too long,

but I'm going to ask, what's one more movie that you've seen? Like, what's a serious movie? Not a comedy. I want something serious. You ever seen Forrest Gump? How would you explain Forrest Gump? So in Forrest Gump, I started off.

No, I'm kidding. I was trying to be Forrest, but now, all right, that was bad. I'm actually going to walk off. Now, I've seen, yeah, I've seen Forrest Gump. That was the question, right? What do you remember about Forrest Gump? That he was kind of a little,

stupid and then... But, yo, but somehow he was there for everything. You know what I'm trying to say? Like, I don't know. Like, it was just like, yo, let's just have like this dumb guy as like a fly in the wall, you know? Like, that's pretty much the movie. Interesting concept.

He's back. Do you know how that movie was sold? How? The pitch. This is a movie about a lucky retard. Wow. I swear to God, so they sat in the room and the guy goes, I'm in.

I love it. Yeah. Amazing. That makes sense. Angel Diaz, I hate to do this. I've been doing this so often lately, and it's a real fucking problem. The internet's gonna hate me for this, I think.

Red Band's furious. He's already groaning over here. But Angel, you are absolutely priceless, and you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here on Kilponing. Come back again. The whole world needs to be. to see you again. You're about as welcome as it gets in Austin, Texas,

by the way, Angel Diaz. Holy shit. My God. He was real deal. Real deal. There's going to be shit missing from now on around here. Tony, right before he walked off, he goes, right before he walked off, he goes,

yo, can I throw this water in the crowd? And I went, no. No, yeah. He is real trouble. Every once in a while, you need a, Add a little fucking pepper to the mix, a little Diablo sauce, if you will. Angel Diaz is the newest winner of,

I'm getting word. The mothership is out of paper towels. Wait a minute. Wow. He somehow turned them into PCP in the back. All right, well. His sister's gonna have a fun day when this comes out.

Oh, God. Hey, yo, so check it out, like I have a reason stay now. I'm going to leave my bitch in New York and the court. I'm just not going to show up the court. I got a whole thing going on now. Court's not happening. Court's not happening. He's going to, he's going to avoid that case in New York City. The score bet app here with trusted stats and real-time sports news. Yeah, hey, who should I take in the Boston game? Well, statistically speaking. Nah, no more statistically speaking. I want hot takes. I want knee-jerk reactions. That's not really.

really what I do. Is that because you don't have any knees? Or? Ah. The score bet. Trusted sports content, seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 plus Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to Connixontario.ca. All right, your next bucket poll, you guys having fun out there, huh? Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Andrew Lowe, everybody. Andrew Yo, yo, yo, yo, what's going on, y'all? How's it going tonight?

Yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y'all, that I looked like Hyde from that 70s show. And yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that, but, yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist. You know what I mean, guys? You know, because there's nothing worse than that, right, guys? Right? Now, I'm just gonna, he did do a couple rapes, though. He did do a couple rapes, so...

I just like to think that the guy, that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while. Like, I love that 70s show. What's he been in? And I was like, I don't know. You're probably not going to see him in anything, actually. You're probably going to fucking see him in jail.

You'll see him there. But yeah, yeah. So don't really fuck with that. But you know what I do fuck with, though? I actually have a question, guys. I have a question for the audience. Be honest. Does anybody out here use the CoinStar?

Has anybody used CoinStar before? Make some noise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke-ass bitches. I'm not talking shit, though, because I'm a broke-ass bitch. obviously I'm a comic, right? But if you haven't used the coin star,

if you don't know what it is, it's this fun little machine you'll find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you just bring all your saved-up coins and you just fuck... Andrew Lowe, everybody, trying to get through it. Were you getting that towards the end there?

Close-close-ish. Now, it's good, though. Okay. All right. Okay, Andrew Lowe. Maybe it's just an angel D. Do we get Angel back out? Yeah, I did...

Backs. I did request that. Maybe he might be back at any... What if we had Angel do the same material? Do you have your material written down somewhere by any chance? Do you have material written down? Yeah. No, I got it.

Okay. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have, just like he did with movie reviews, we're going to bring Angel back. And we're going to have him watch your set. And then he's going to give a synopsis of what you talked about. Is there any chance we have Angel back there? Angel, is Angel still here?

I think Angel left. We're getting worried he's already finished Oppenheimer. Got to guess the end of it. Ice agents have taken him and then decided to release him. The Ice agents love Angel Diaz. He might actually be the one that could solve all of America's problems right now. Is Angel here? He wasn't able to get him?

Okay, we have him. All right. He might already be in a fight in the alleyway right now, everybody. This is incredible. Andrew, how long have you been doing comedy? Probably like three, four years, give a take. Three or four years. One thing I liked was you said,

I don't know if you guys have seen the news, and then you told a joke about something that happened five years ago in the news. So that might not be the best intro into the Hyde raping. I mean, it was on the news recently, to be fair. He was? Yeah, just the trial thing. That was why somebody brought it up to me. Okay, I've gotten word, ladies and gentlemen,

that they were able to retrieve Angel Diaz. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Angel Diaz. There he is, live in the flesh. A lot of people are saying America's new favorite comic, one of the all-time greats, a superstar. Angel, here's what we're going to do. I want you to stand back here between Michael, Gonzalez and D. Madness.

We're going to, I want you to watch Andrew Lowe's set. Give me some notes. And then I want you to give, like you did with the movies, I want you to give a synopsis of what he talked about. All right. Ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise for Andrew Lowe, everybody. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. So let's get, actually, let's really be honest, though, because I didn't hear enough people make some noise because I know, yeah, yeah.

Has anybody used the fucking CoinStar make some noise? Thank you to my fellow broke bitches out there. All right? So if you haven't used the coin star, like I was saying, it's this fun little machine you find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you walk up with your saved-up box of coins or whatever the fuck you keep it in, right?

And you just walk up and you... And that's the thing. It's so fucking loud. It just lets everybody know in the general vicinity that, you know, you're not really doing so good right now. Right? Right? Because nobody's using the coin.

I was like, oh, I saved up some coins. I'm going to get myself something nice. And yeah, yeah. No, no, no. It's me. High as hell in my Nike slides. Just like, this needs to be $70 somehow. Or I'm totally shit out of luck, but it's not.

It's like $40 minus three. Because there's a fee. And I'm like, are you kidding me? There's a fee. I'm down this bad and you're just going to fuck me some more out here? And it's like, well, yeah, because you're still going to take it, like the good little coins let that you are.

Thanks guys, this is my time. I appreciate you. All right. Two sets from Andrew Lowe. Here's the synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel, step up to that mic and if, let's say somebody hadn't seen what Andrew Lowe talked about.

How would you describe it to them? Yo, pretty much, this guy is broken shit. So you said you were collecting coins and taking them to Walmart, nigga? Like, bro, you are. broke. Like, you know, at this point, like, the only thing you're trying to find is, like,

probably, you know, those old coins or something? I feel like that's, like, your lucky thing, you know? Should I play? No, you know what? I just gave this guy a kiss. Here, you. Myth. Thank you.

I do, I do take it to the Walmart. Sometimes H.E.B., it depends. There's a synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel, you know how to play any instruments? I just might make you, like, a band member full-time or something. You know how to do anything? You know how to play, like, a, uh, uh, Yeah, yo, actually I do.

I know how to play the... Is it... Yeah, I know how to play... I know how to play the double keyboard. No, not... No, you're not gonna replace one of these guys. You're gonna be an addition to the band. Wait, wait.

No one calls him the double keyboard. Only the double. I can play the double keyboard. Get your goddamn single keyboard the fuck out of here. I don't know how to play that. It's called piano. I can play the piano.

The best was the look around, though. What do I play? Oh, of course, the most common instrument played by human beings. The double piano. Angel, you know what we're going to give you is another can of delicious water. Bird, hand him that can of water. There you go. Let's open it away from me this time. You've earned it, Angel.

Wow. Somehow, a completely... A completely uncarbonated can of water, by the way. Somehow hate by the left. No wonder he steals so much bounty. I'll say this, too. Angel has such a good presence that Andrew Lowe's set got better and better. Yeah.

And we got to hear the whole CoinStar thing, and it made more sense. I'm like, oh, this is pretty good. We'll never know how many people were laughing at the Coinster material and how many people in the room were slowly picking up on that Angel literally has to lean in like that to be able to absorb. Is that also how you watch? movies, Angel? Do you have to... Yes, I'm actually very blind. I have a 1320 vision.

I don't know, I don't know what else. I'm sorry. I don't have no idea what else to talk about anymore. I don't know. At this point, I'm just lying to everybody. Perfect. The fact that you've run out of material is absolutely perfect, Angel. I'm so glad I gave you a golden ticket. Amazing. It's gonna be a real hoot nanny next time you're on. Tony, he can't miss. You found a full-bodied, retirement.

guarded midget. Uh-oh. Look at him. Was anyone else shock? He showed up in the same clothes. Michael Jordan of something. There he goes. Sound effects for days.

Every time he does something, something happens. All right. Andrew Lowe, fun times. Just for the sake of your entire set being about, or everyone thinking about Angel Diaz while you were up here. Here's a big joke book. There's nothing that could. You had to be here for what happened before you.

I think you got a golden ticket, Angel. It's a little better than a joke book. You want a joke book too? I'll give you a joke book. You got a joke book. I'll give you a joke book. There you go. That was for a second.

Hold on to those things, Angel. Don't go selling them to someone in an alleyway, though. I could tell you're a real hustler, dude. I don't know how you survive. Can I get those cigarette bucks in a quick, toad? Is that, uh, make some noise one more time. for Angel Diaz and Andrew Lowe, everybody. There they go.

Where's one more butts left? There goes Angel. All right. This has been a long episode, so this will be your final bucket pool of the night, and he goes by the name of Spencer Boone, everybody. Here goes Spencer, Spencer Boone. I like hot dogs, and my mom has a tramp stamp.

You can forgive your mom for getting a tram stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 and her third divorce. I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days.

I don't like it. It's weird. It's weird and it's gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears and I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands

and they're nailing tentacles. I'm a hypocrite though I grew up loving the goofy movie it's a great movie I like hot dogs I like hot dogs I'm Spencer Boone thank you so much Spencer Boone very funny

welcome thank you hey how's going he's got a good he's got great intro I like hot dogs fits the face perfectly and the body and the body no doubt about it Spencer, how long you've been on stand-up?

Well, over six years now. Six years. Where at? Last three here, but I started in Virginia. Nice. What do you do for work? I work at a rock and roll and a horror movie shop. Oh, sweet. That's here? Yeah, there's one right here on Sixth Street.

Right down there? Yeah, across from Balkan. Yeah, I still have not been there. I need to go in there. Yeah, we've got a bigger one in South Lamar. It's pretty sick. I love it. Hell yeah. I love that. You must get interesting people coming in there.

there? Anything crazy ever happened there? Man, a lot of dudes with autism coming in, I'll be honest. We also sell, like, toys and figures, so it's, like, ninja turtles and, like, you know, wrestling figures and stuff like that, and you meet all sorts, yeah. That's awesome. There's always a guy walking in, like, I like

turtles, and I'm like, I got you, yeah. Hell yeah. How long have you worked there? I started working there end of 2023. Okay. Yeah, I like it. Hell yeah, that's so fucking cool. Out of all the dudes who come in and ask or say they like turtles, how many of them would you say are virgins? Oh, God.

Sadly, it's usually dudes with families. It's not a lot of virgins, yeah. It's like dudes coming in with their kids are like, we all like turtles. Hell yeah. It's a family affair. Passing that shit on. Yeah.

Collecting shit they don't need, you know. That's awesome. So do you have to know about all that shit to work there? To a degree, it helps to like know about movies and music because we have bands ranging from classic. rock through like death metal so it's like it's also a merch store so the more familiar eyes you are the easier it is

okay fuck yeah um what do you do for fun Spencer uh go to a lot of rock concerts of any sort of just live music in general love yeah what are favorite bands favorite band yeah oh as far as like which genre because that's kind of hard really anything this is your favorite live shows I'd say

the acacia stream wow they're here they're here in the audience ladies and gentlemen that's my favorite metal band but I mean last year I saw Wu-Tang and that was awesome. Okay. Yeah, Wu-Tang Run the Jewels. Wow, the people from Albuquerque love Wu-Tang. It's incredible.

Run the Jules is the shit live. Yeah, they are. They were awesome. That was right there at Moody Center. It was sick. Yep. Two rappers at once. Turns out it's like twice as entertaining as one rapper.

Yeah, and then Wu-Tang's like seven dudes. You're like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I know when I'm surrounded by seven dudes, I get fucking... You love it. Sharon Ruth Hensley would call Heart as a lot. rock okay so Spencer Boone uh you in love no okay uh briefly dated a girl over the holidays and that ended but how did that end uh just wasn't feeling the vibe anymore right

you ended it uh it was mutual like we neither us were kind of like really looking for a relationship at least i wasn't really and it kind of fell into it right when you say you fell into it what exactly does that i work at a horror movie metal shop uh yes you know you meet a lot of goth girls Oh. Okay. Hell yeah. Hold on, Red Band. What do you?

He's moaning. He's doing his growl. For those of you that don't, if you're wondering what we're talking about, red band does a thing when he wants to talk but doesn't have anything to say where he just goes, rah-a-v-br-br-br-bram. We all hear it up here, but the mic's not near him, so you don't know that he's doing it. Like, he has a thought about something. Okay, dokey.

Goth girl is horrible hygiene, usually, right? Not in my experience. I don't know what got golf girls you've been with, but. Yeah, we're some real. Dirt balls. Ooh, run through some Goth girl stereotypes. Condoms?

Not typically. No. They want to die, Bert. Why would they use condoms? But I don't get with just goth girls. It's been a lot of Latina since I've been in Texas.

Ooh, Latinas. What do you notice is the difference between Latina's and goth girls? They're worse when blended together. Ah. Oh, there's a big Latina goth movement.

Yeah, they take it too seriously. You don't want to fuck Morrissey fan, basically. That is the most fascinating thing in culture. The Mexican community attaching itself to Morrissey is like mind-blowing. I'm hoping that'll happen to me somehow that I'll show up and it'll just be paralyzed people. And I'll be like, what did I do to get just people in wheelchairs? It is incredible.

It's the shirt. Have you ever thought about performing shirtless? No. Do you want to try that? That's never across my mind once. It works. For you, maybe. Bert, no one can do that now.

If anyone does it, they just say they're ripping you. Well, it'd be shocked. Yeah. A lot of shirtless comedians these days. I swear to God. There are? Fuck, yes. Well, I'm sure you find out about it.

This is how I felt when everyone started releasing crowdwork clips. Angel Diaz is going to be releasing a couple. Hell yeah. We love Angel Diaz. There's one lady, literally having an orgas. I guess them over there. Okay. Cool.

Can I give one piece of constructive criticism to the comic to another comic? These, all the jokes you're telling when you get better at comedy will be better. Just keep writing and then revisit these when you're better at comedy. Because like the idea of your mom getting a tramp stamp and you shouldn't be able to drive away from that's funny. You just haven't figured out the right. They're also shortened for the minute. These are longer bits I do. Oh, yeah.

Ooh la la la. More details and things. Ooh la la la. So. I don't typically do just a minute. How does the tramp stamp joke go, if you don't mind me asking, a longer version? Can we hear the unedited, unplugged Spencer Boone? Her tramp stamp matches her PT cruiser she had.

Oh, I love that. Yeah, it was a pink, it was a purple and blue butterfly with the word crazy beneath it. Oh, are you fucking serious? Is that real? That's real. And she had that on her PT cruiser also? No, but she had a purple PT cruiser with blue flames on it. And the license plate said crazy.

Wow. I think you picked the wrong part of the joke to tell. Why wouldn't you bring your mom? Yeah. It feels like this should be a comedy duo. I bet mom crushes. Yeah. Not quite.

Is mom a funny lady? Not really, no. Where's she at? Is she in Virginia still? She's in Virginia, yeah. So, like, your home in Virginia, is that a very small population? Yeah. I'm from Orange County, Virginia.

It's very small. Tell us about it. It's a farm county. I mean, I think the whole county has, like, 35,000 people. Are you anywhere near the, what's that one family called? The famous? Oh, the Trumps. No.

The White. The White. The Walthans. The Whites? The Wants. The Wants. I don't know. I don't think so.

We're in Virginia. I think that's more West Virginia. That makes sense. I'm in like the Shenandoah Valley area. All right. Ando Valley. 35,000. What did you do for work when you were there?

I used to work in a T-shirt factory. Okay. He used to make band merch. So that was cool. Look at you. Yeah. Spencer, you're a very funny guy. Congratulations.

Great times. Here's a big joke book. Awesome. There you go. Thank you guys so much. Spencer Boot. Have a great night. Appreciate.

Big job, buddy. He gave that to you? Okay. All right. We're getting word that Angel Diaz has brought his notes. How did you get those? In the bathroom, you're He ran into Angel Diaz in the bathroom,

and he gave you his notes. All right. Well, it actually does say, me, can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and maybe 1 p.m. and fix the AC unit. That's his text. And he said, I'm doing a live video. He read this.

Oh, they're kicking you out. There you go. That's what happens. That's the exact kind of foreigner we need to get out of this country. God damn it. That guy's just drunk enough to know. know that Angel did this joke, or not know that Angel did that joke on stage. Was he British?

But we should keep that. Hold on to that. We're going to put that in the Kill Tony Museum one day. It is incredible. His handwriting is very youthful. Incredibly, I don't know if you have a shot at that. Childlike wonder. You would think a graffiti artist has better handwriting, but no.

All right, everybody. Here's the reality. William Montgomery is sick again, everyone. That's right. The most vaccinated person in the show's history somehow gets sick once a month. What are the odds? Ari Maddie got snowed into Estonia, everyone.

I know. The controversy is wild. But I do have one remaining special treat that you guys might like. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the greatest golden, Ticket winners in the history of this show here to close us out. Make some noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

What's up? Hey, cool. Okay, sorry. Hey, I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I use my baby pictures. And then I say, swipe right if you want to see how it turned out. And, you know, they're like, oh my God, I know what happened. Like, chill out, chill out.

It's been 30 years. Okay. Has anyone ever used it? Flashlight? You know what? I didn't know. You have to loom it, you know? I was doing it, and I was like, this hurts.

I was, I don't know if I'm not to come, but if I bleed, you know. Martin Billets, as consistent as it gets, the most wobbly rock-solid comedian in the world. You did it again, amazing set. Rick, is this your first time seeing Martin? This is my first time. Yeah. Fantastic. You know, mainly I would just say straighten up, do what you got to do. I've been trying. I've been trying. Okay. You know what? Maybe do a little Coke or something, see if you can calm the nerves a little. Yeah. You have the sweater of Bill Cosby and the movement of a lady that just got a drink from him. It's like he's standing. What?

It's like he's standing on ice right now. Well, it's without ice, I'm slipping. Yeah, how is this weather treating you? How are you surviving? How did you get here? Dude, I've been gone. I have chosen Florida, baby. I got the fuck.

Oh, hell, yeah. He's called you, baby? I have shows in Florida, baby. He's like a 1940s gangster. 40s gangster. Shakes over here, see? Been doing, took over the city of Miami, baby.

I love it, Martin. Did you get that sweater over Christmas? It looks great. Well, thanks. I don't get to wear sweaters too often, so I'm really pumped to wear my sweaters. Because you stretch the fuck out of him

trying to put them on? No. That's what you do with your shirts. Well played, brother. The nerve of the shirt off guy putting a shirt on joke. The nerve of a guy who I don't think can fight. Okay. Whoa.

The foot of your doofs, baby. You got a knuckle sandwich coming in your guy. You want to cause shenanigans? The worst Dick Traceous. worst Dick Tracy villain of all time. Oh, Martin, tell us about Florida. How did it treat you? It was really nice, you know? You can shit on it, but then you go there. You're like, I get it.

You know, that guy. I'd retire there, too. I, you know. But then they have, like, Gated communities, and it's like, what are you protecting yourself from? There's a very nice neighborhood. Where were you at in Florida? Oh, I went down to... I was. I went down to... went to two retirement communities of Naples, Florida, and Bocca Raton. Wow. And Wesley Chapel.

And now it's like Tampa. And Norbert. And Norbert. Wow. Were you, why were you visiting retirement communities? Well, I'd say it's the joke while. It's old people typically live in Naples. And, but if you're from Florida, the Florida people watch.

I don't want this guy gets in it. I grew up from Florida. I grew up from Florida. I think he was just implying he did cities in those cities and those cities. Stand up in those cities. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he just, you didn't know.

So there was a retard translation thing. Who's the retard? Wait, did I just catch a fucking shrap now? You're getting a little bit lit up right now, Bert. Jesus Christ. I'm not going to buy this one. Free Bird. Free Bird is on Netflix.

Angel Diaz is watching it right now. We're going to hear a synopsis. That's going to be next week, Bert. We're going to get the free bird synops. So basically, there's like this fucking fat guy with a family. You're never going to believe it. He looks just like you. I want to hear Angel describe cerebral palsy to the rest of the...

Oh, man. So, like, basically God didn't like this fucking guy? Damn. Did you get to see Angel Diaz tonight? I saw the ant-of-air. I got the dress. You kind of had to see the whole thing. He soaps his butt sometimes.

Well, that, oh, shit. Oh, I hate it, but I like that. Oh, my God. Martin, I love you so much. Great attitude. You're so fucking consistent. You're so powerful. Catch him everywhere.

Catch him on the killers of kill Tony and his own tour. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Rick Ingram and Bert Kreischer, everybody? Rick has crowd pleaser. Go to the Comedy Store YouTube page and watch it immediately after this, please. And then, or before or in any order,

go to Netflix and watch Free Bird. These guys have unbelievable things out there right now. This episode's been brought to you by Quo, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. Do you guys have a good time? Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday, sunset strip ATX.com.

Love you guys. We are going back to Los Angeles, where it all started in May, to the Intuit Dome, The largest ever venue that we've ever done, bigger than the O2 Arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden, to do a little show that started in front of 12 people. Two of those 12 were Lainey and Jerry in the Comedy Store Belly Room,

which all started with the first guest ever on the show. One more time for Rick Ingram. One more time for Burke Kreischer. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.