KILL TONY - #755 - DR. PHIL + GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAL VULCANO

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

Adam Ray (Dr. Phil), Sal Vulcano, Greg Fitzsimmons, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 02/02/2026 Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/TONY Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/killtony Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://bluechew.com with code TONY. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. mothership here in Austin, Texas

for our brand new episode of Kill Tony get a fucking night of their lives. Gracious, how exciting is this? You guys happy to be here or what? Oh shit. Sounds amazing. We are brought to you by Shopify. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world.

Before we get to all the chaos, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to Tonyhencliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Kill Tony show in the Great State of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th,

one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tony Hinchcliff.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode, or what? Okay, every single week I book this Mammajamma doesn't get, I mean, this is just so amazing. Two of our favorite guests in the history of the show makes some fucking noise for the great Sal Volcano and Greg Fitzsimmons. Kevin. Very exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen,

Sal Volcano is on tour. Salvolcano Comedy.com. He's doing the Rhyman Theater in Nashville. He's got a brand new season of The Impractical Jokers coming out on TBS Thursdays. on TBS and his podcast, Manouche, is available everywhere. Greg Fitzsimmons, one of the greatest guests in the show's history's touring, Fitzdog.com.

He's in Philly, Lexington, and Houston. Coming up very soon. How are you guys feeling? You excited to be here? I'm so excited. Hell yeah. I'm fucking excited. Are you guys excited?

Hell yeah. It's Kiltony. Are you guys excited to what? These thick Latinas love the impractic. musical jokers, ladies screaming Sal's name over and over again. A little fucking, the tortas love you, Sal. You guys know how the show works. 300 plus comedians are stacked on top of each other in a bar right next door.

And if I pull one of their names out of this bucket, our trusty assistant goes grabs them. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted on stage. You know their time is up and here, the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and annoying and cuts them off. And then I conduct an interview.

We find out more about their real life or their careers or anything, really, that I find interesting about them. I'm so excited about this, Sal and Greg. I mean, we have you guys. It literally just does not get any better than this. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed the 2024 guest of the year. Dr. Phil is here, ladies and gentlemen. I'm out of breath, but I brought some treats.

We don't need any more red bands out there. Wow. Dr. Phil is throwing out magnum condoms. That one might be open. I got bored in the Delta Lounge. We'll hold on to these two for later. Dr. Phil, live in the flesh, literally recognized as one of the greatest guests

in the... What was that? Monkey Pucks. Oh, my goodness gracious. We didn't even get to hang out yet. How'd you get those? Wow. I'm excited to be back, Tone.

It's been way too long, Dr. Phil. You've been out selling out all around the fucking world. We did it. We did it. We're going to Australia and Canada next year. That's right. Sorry this year. The Who Is Me Tour?

Wow. That's a wild thing that's happening. I'm excited. Well, I guess you don't even want to do. It's wild. How? You do. No, we're going to keep her right here.

Okay. All right. This is very exciting. Dr. Phil is here live in the flesh with Greg Fitzsimmons and Sal Volcano. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. My goodness. I mean, what a start to this show. I mean, that's absolutely crazy.

You got a fucking joke water? Yeah. Yeah. We absolutely do. We shake them up for the show to add vibes and energy to the show. It's working. It's working and it's squirtin. That's what we call that. So what's amazing is that while this is an incredible, perhaps one of the greatest starts of the show ever, why don't we take it one step further and have the first comedian be the record holder for all-time appearances, normally the closer of the show? One of the few living members of the killed,

Tony Hall of Fame. Some people call them the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Titan of Tacoma, the weirdo of Washington. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery. My mother was watching the news the other night,

and she heard people talk about doxing one another. She goes, honey, what is doxing? I said, oh, it's when two guys get in a ring and punch each other with their dicks. The waiter walks out and goes, who ordered the amber jack? I raised my hand and he sets it down in front of me. I look and I say, wait, this has whiskers. Have I literally been catfished?

Can you imagine if you were a flat earther, like a depressed flat earther? And one day you tell your flat earther, friends, I really can't take it anymore. I'm just going to walk this way and I'm never going to stop. And they're all like, no, don't do it. No. And then around 80 days later, you show up from the opposite. opposite direction and you're in a hot air balloon and you're like, guys, y'all are never going to believe this.

Okay, that's my time, Tony. Because the earth is round, Tony. That's why you would show up from the other end. Right. But that would mean that it's not flat. Right, it would mean it's round. It's proving, it's saying to his friends, it's ultimately teaching his friends that the earth is round.

Right. It's kind of like a passion play. Oh my gosh, Tony, I'm so nervous. Seriously, going up first, I love it. It's literally my favorite thing, but I'm so nervous right now because normally I have time up there to hang out and whatever, and oh my gosh, here we are.

I love it. I love it. Out of your comfort zone. Proof that you can do it all. You got the show started with a bang. And, Tony, I do have to say, I finally have been in a horrible funk. I'm still actually in a pretty bad funk in my brain,

but I've started rowing again, and I've done 60. 65 fucking miles to pass six days, Tony. Very good, William. That's 10 miles and some change per day. Yeah, listening to fucking melancholy and the infinite sadness by smashing pumpkins all time. Greg Fitzsimmons.

Well, it's just great that you're rowing. I know you guys have a long history of that as well, but it's good to see that you're rowing. We'll be right back. I'm taking it from here, Greg. William, how's the AIDS going? It is not going good. That's part of why I'm in my funk.

I messed up. I messed up. When I was in Vancouver last year, I allowed this guy to have sex with my ass, literally with my ass, seriously. Well, it's good to mix things up. I know. It was fun.

I was kind of in a funk. I've been in these bad funks. And the puzzles don't help. Nothing really helps. But when I was having sex with that guy, It was crazy. Oh, that was fun, right, man? What was that noise?

That's the noise he would have been making in the corner, right, band? When you're watching my ass, you fucking weirdo. That's exactly what you would have been. And just in the corner wearing your fucking tank top, you fucking nasty weirdo. Your little blue tank top. Yeah, have you ever seen it, Tony? No.

He was this little blue fucking tank top with these little swim trunks. And he acts like a little bad boy, and he's showing everybody pictures of his fucking girlfriend's feet. Stop doing that. Seriously, stop doing that. He's doing that in the fucking green room before we even start tonight. That's part of why I'm nervous, Tony.

I did walk by and you were showing somebody a picture of a foot. Was that your girlfriend's foot? Oh, it's tradition. Anytime Greg's around, Janus shows her foot to him because he likes that. Wow, this is not a great start for great. You know, there's certain things

that stay in the grain room, you know? Yeah, whatever having to take it into the grave, Red Band. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Now I have to cut them off. Oh my goodness. I love it. William, so you've been rowing again? Yeah, doing the rowing, trying to hopefully please come see. I promise if I've been to a city before, I have a whole different set.

It's mainly new jokes. I've got to get my tickets. I've got to get better of marketing, Tony. I've got to figure it out. Yeah. Well, this... What did you just call me a... nacho vest or what did you say?

You should say everything, you should encourage your woman to say everything that comes to the front of her brain, sir. You're doing a really good job. The Lakers had always a dead giveaway for not having your woman under control. Shut up, bitch! Seriously!

Whoa, whoa. I've got to have fun fucking red being thrown Greg under the bus! Weird of you, dude. Seriously. It's really weird. Why'd you... William, William. I get what's happening with you right now. You're getting fired up.

You're getting angry. You're getting more red, which I didn't think was possible. Yeah. Everyone out. You're on right now, and where can we get some of it? That is...

But look, it looks like little nachos. I know. I see it. So maybe you're right. I see it. I know. You are right. All right, Sal.

That's not how this works. You guys all see those little nachos? Okay. We all see the nachos. It is an incredible vest, William. What are you wearing? Or it is award season, and the world wants to know. Where do you get a vest like that?

So I literally clicked into eBay.com my account. I click in vintage 90s Columbia Vess Large. Nailed it. And then I get a bunch, and then, yes, this happens. Nachos was not in the keyword search? No. Wow. Because the red little zags there, they look like little nachos.

They do. They do. It is absolutely incredible. William always a master of style. It is a nice vest. You look like you're about to lead a safari for a bunch of kids who are definitely going to get molested. Yep, sure. Which is a tough gig to get, so I want to compliment you on the... Thank you. Thank you so much. It's true. You look like the tour guide at Epstein Island. There it is. The guy that walks you off the dock when you pull up on the boat. Watch your show, we'll keep it out. Okay, everybody come in here and it's just Redby and

jacking off with all the fucking, you weirdo. Wow. Well, William, you got the show. So nice to be. You got the show started with a fucking bang, my friend. Unbelievable. Lights out the great and powerful William Montgomery showing us how it's done. Now we go to the bucket, everybody.

Oh my goodness. Oh, Dr. Phil getting his own book delivered to him. That is incredible. You do. You are a marketing genius. Philip C. McGraw, Ph.D., you and me, it's as easy as one, two, three. I'll talk about that in my book. That's right.

Page 73. Page 73. If you can't rhyme, get the fuck out of my garage. All right. So the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pole tonight is Sancho, Pancho, Vio, with an uninterrupted minute. What's going on? Hell yeah.

So even though I'm 5-1, I am into taller women, and so that could be hard. So I got these shoes that make me 5-3. Don't believe me, we'll call this mic stand 5-3, and now we're at 5-1. But even with the shoes, like tall women are still hard to hit on. Like I was hit on this one super-tall girl if she was like 5-5. And she looks down at me, and she's like, boy, you're so short, you would have to go up on me in the bedroom. I'm like, that's a weird way to ask if I keep a step ladder in my trunk. I'm like, girl, what do you think I'm wearing this shirt for?

Like, I'm trying to eat my way to your heart. You know what I'm saying? But on the same note, I hate tall dudes who use the short urinal in the men's restroom. Because, like, now I'm over here having a tippy toe fucking putting my chimichanga on the, over the rim. Like, how am I going to explain to a girl that I got crabs from a men's restroom? It doesn't work like that. Hey, I'm Sancho Pancho Villa.

Thank you. That's my time. Wow. Adorable. Absolutely adorable. One of the largest full-grown babies to ever do stand-up comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Giant when it comes to the weight class of babies. Sancho Pancho Villa.

What's up? You're standing at 5'1. Is that what you said? Yeah, 5'3 with the shoes on. 5'3 with the shoes on. Incredible. When's the last time you measured yourself? Like height-wise?

Yeah. Yeah. Funny. Funny? Yeah. When I went to get my driver's license, I don't know. Okay. You got one of those?

Your people normally don't have one of those. Do you have car insurance, Sancho Pancha Bia? Yep. They're USAA. Let's go. Shut up. Yeah, right. Hopefully they lower my rate.

I don't know. Okay. U.S.A. USAID? USAID. USAID? A-A, like the military. Oh, got it.

You were in the military. Yes, sir. I'm a Marine. Okay, absolutely incredible. What the hell were you doing in the Marines, exactly? What was your specialty? Man, I was an engineer company, so, like, we worked with generators, we built stuff, we blew it up. Like, I have more certifications than my cousin with three fake IDs.

Like, I could do any Texas job. Wow. Yeah. Amazing, Sancho. Pancho. You've been on the show a few times before. Yes, sir. You get very lucky.

Um... I'm hoping to tonight. God. Now, why the fuck did you do that? Yeah. Because we're pretty much rocking the same haircut. Dr. Phil, like, come on, like, shit. When did you go bald? Do you mind me asking?

Probably when I was like 19. God damn. Yeah, man. Wow. And how to work out for you? How did you adjust, you know? With the comedy. Oh, well, there you go.

I'm still struggling, obviously. So Sancho Pan. Sancho Villa, you went bald at 19, standing at 5 foot 1. What do you think you did in this life or a past life for God to treat you like this? Question, Tony. And he apparently also made you extremely horny. A lot of your act has to do with women. You just said you're hoping to get lucky tonight.

When's the last time you got laid sancho poncho? A week ago? Wow, a week ago. Who was this? What was this innocent person? Where'd you meet this person at? Just in my hometown. You know.

Was she married? This one wasn't. This one was not married. That is true. We found out about you that you're into married women. You like wrecking other people's lives. Listen, like the door's already cracked open. I just walked through it.

You know what I'm saying? Even if it's the dog door. Like, I'm, you know. The dog doors open. You walk right? That was tonight's Doritos, Blueberry of the Night. Put it on the cutting room floor. What were you guys going to say at the same time?

I was going to say, yeah, he walked under the crack. You didn't have to go. I was going to say he walks right through the dog. Right. He doesn't have to duck down or anything like that. We'll work together. We all have different doggy door jokes for you, Sancho. That's a good sign.

That's how you know you're a hot dude when you bring up a dog house and we're all like, br-br-b-b-b-b- You're adorable, Sancho. You find that there's a lot of girls that are into whatever you are? Women love a confident man, yes, Tony. It is confidence. You do carry it well. When do you cry?

When, like, do you let it out? Is there a moment ever? You work out sancho pancho? I do. I'm down 10 pounds. What have you been doing exactly? Explain to some of these people out here how they can lose weight. I quit alcohol, so that was a big one.

for now. Yeah. But on St. Patrick's Day, I dress up like a leprechaun. So, like, I'm one month away and I can drink again. Oh, yeah. That's perfect. And then, yeah, quitting alcohol and then just working out every day. So, yeah.

Amazing. Back to bench in 245. That's cool. You bench 245? Yeah. Wow. Enough about your date from last week. If she's not 180, she ain't a lady.

You know what I'm saying? Let's go. I talk about that in my book. Chapter 25. Chapter 25. Fed bitches are people too. You have a copy at your local Barnes and Nob. What's the biggest girl you've ever hooked up with

before I let you go, Sancho, poncho. What that's that? I don't know, probably redband. No, probably, she's like 233, probably, yeah. Okay, that's an interesting guess. Wait, sorry. Not to be, not to be so specific. That was such a specific weight.

Yeah. Like you, that's something you knew. That's a down, that 2.33 is a very specific answer. And that's how much I weigh. Is it really? That's my real way. You really think so? Let's get the fucking scale out, everybody.

No doubt about it. Oh, yeah. Come on, there it is. Oh, it's too good. Oh, it's too good. Come on, Red Band. So, I will say, I'm fully clothed. that was naked.

He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. Here he is. My real guess, though. Oh my God. My real guess is I weighed myself like six months ago. By the way, if a bucket pool gave this many excuses before getting on a scale. No, no, I may do it. I'm just going to say I weigh about 239.

Okay. All right. Don't do it, Redbed. You're wearing your heavy hat. No, no. 233, everybody. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, he's been here for every episode of the show.

Sal, read it off for me when it comes up. It just says, out. It says, ouch. Okay, where... Do you want me to report that? Yes, report it. $251.4. That's right, folks.

He's wearing 17 pounds of clothing. It's getting cold out. What do you mean? Sancho, poncho, get on that thing. Let's see what it says. All right. I'm gonna take my shoes off, though. I'm gonna take my shoes off. $193. What do you mean you weighed in today? What does that even mean? Oh, you're right. This thing is pretty heavy. Yeah, okay. I'm 165. 164.6, everybody.

Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff, everybody. Let's go. What is this? Kill Sancho Pancho? Give it up for me. Yeah, that's about 10 pounds. You're right. I'll give you 10 pounds. Maybe. Take yourself a joke book, Tony. Thank you.

Thank you. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. And Sancho Pancho. Sancho. What size joke books you get last time? I think you said, like, a small joke book is the same size as a big joke book.

That's right. So you got a small one? Yes, sir. Well, today you're getting a medium one. Let's go. Sancho Pancho Via, everybody. There he goes. And the show is off and running.

You weighed in at 233 today? No, 239 today. 239. Were you naked? Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone.

A lot of drinks coming tonight. You guys having fun out there? We got Dr. Phil Greig Fitzsimmons and Sal Volcano, everybody. And a shit ton of water. an absolutely shocking amount of water on the table. Can't have enough beverages. The ScoreBet app here with Trusted Stats and Real Time Sports News. Yeah, hey, who should I take in the Boston game?

Well, statistically speaking. Nah, no more statistically speaking. I want hot takes. I want knee-jerk reactions. That's not really what I do. Is that because you don't have any knees? Or? The score bet.

Trusted sports content, seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 plus, Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to conixonterio.ca. Absolutely. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Mario Zapata, everyone.

Mario Zapata. A lot of crazy stuff going on to Minneapolis. Why's everybody mad at all these Somaliers? They whining a lot, but that's cool, whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested. That shit's crazy. Just goes to show. when life gives you lemons, get legal aid.

I don't know what he did, but whatever. All right, buckle in, guys. What is the difference between a Jewish person and an undercover cop? You may never know you were talking to a cop. Thank you. All right, guys, I think the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word

is because so many people are. You can see it everywhere. I saw a school that said, get your MS in business. And I'm like, who wants to run a board meeting with multiple sclerosis? Can you imagine standing in front of everybody going, this company is built on a solid foundation?

Thank you. Zapata. Is this your first time on the show? It is not. Oh, you've been on the floor? You look different or something? Yes, I recently started shaving my head because I was looking like Angelica's Barbie doll.

Okay. Dr. Phil, you see, that's possible. You could do that in any point, Dr. Phil. Yeah, well, if I looked like I was about to shoot up an anthropology store, I'd also shave my head. Now, what I mean by that is you came in hot. For a minute there, I thought you were running for office because you just kept being like, there's too many Jews, you know? Yeah.

And then you said, what was the last thing you said? I think the reason the word the retarded is so offensive is because so many people are. Right. Okay, and how do you feel about that joke? Like when you say it out loud to the silence, does it feel? I'm behind it, dude. I know a lot of retarded people. Sal, what do you think about this guy?

Well, I like that you had topical stuff, so you're writing new stuff, and I like that you really went for jokes. You really did. I will say, though, you know, I noticed that you told everybody to buckle up before one of the jokes. And then you really, I mean,

it really didn't deliver. You know, so I would say, just be mindful of that. And you're going to tell everyone to buckle up, like, because the inference was that you were going to blow their fucking balls off with this next joke. And then it was really just a, you know, a real par type of joke. And so it's funny. I never saw anyone tell anyone to buckle up for this next one.

And then basically just, it was a very mellow, mellow joke after that. That was more for me. It was more for you. Is buckle up your catchphrase or did you just feel like coming out saying something sassy? It does feel sassy. I don't know. Maybe I could use it in a catchphrase. Yeah, buckle up guy.

Hey, buckle up. Yeah, let me just say something real quick. You said that he said to buckle up and that it felt, I'll agree to disagree, Sal, because I feel like the comedy set was a little turbulent. And when you're on a plane, they tell you to buckle up because things aren't going to go according to plan, which is kind of... No, no, buckle up, folks. Yeah, hell yeah. But you do have confidence, and that's important. I appreciate that.

Buckle up, everybody. Jewish people will let you know they're Jewish. Yeah, that's exactly what I was getting to next. You're good at spotting Jews? Is that what the... No, they usually tell me pretty quickly in a conversation. They tell you they're Jewish?

Oh, yeah. Where are you talking to these Jews at exactly? Wherever I go. Wherever you go. They're everywhere, right? I mean, like... Oh, that sounds bad. Okay.

Starting to see why this guy shaved his head all the way. Good Lord. This fucking guy. Yeah, keep talking. Guys, go on. All right. This is what I signed up for.

Okay, I mean, people are everywhere, right? You'd run it into different people everywhere. Wow, it doesn't get much more racist than that, everybody. But these people are everywhere. I can't go anywhere without seeing these fucking people. Yes, okay. Mike. How about this?

Who's your favorite type of person? Okay, that's a total. Nice people. Direction changing question you just did there, Dr. Phil. Let's stick with the Jews here for a second. I'm going to shift here. Okay, okay. Let's not shift at all, doctor.

Let me ask you this. You're seeing them everywhere, this and that. Is there anything you've noticed a way to spot Jews before they had told you that they're Jewish? No. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up for six years. I've been doing comedy for 12.

I used to do musical comedy. Okay. You would sing? Yeah. You would write your own songs? The guitar and stuff like that, yeah. You have any original song? I do.

Okay. What notes are they in? What chord is it? Most of them are in G, because it's an open... Okay. You guys want to play an open G? Why don't you sing us something, Mario? Okay.

They'll follow you. Here we are, me and my best friend. Out at the bar and we're hammered again, and we're talking about all the girls we bang. We both drink until we can't see. Then my friend leans over. and he says to me, Hey, I love you, man.

You're my bro, and I'm like, yeah, bro. I love you too. The part that's weird for me is he's telling me this while he's rubbing on my knee. My name is Mauree. I'm in the show so far. I'm dressed like I'm r- Work the late shift at Home Depot.

Making Mario Zapata hilarious. You get that on Pandora later today. Yeah, hell yeah. So you did musical comedy. So you did musical comedy, now you just do stand-up, pure stand-up. I do. What do you do for work? I edit wedding videos, I make porn, and I...

Wait, let's stop right there. When you say you make porn, what exactly do you... Buckle up. Oh, where was that personal stat before I fucking improvised a shit? shitty song. It's trying to be discreet. Yes. We talked about the last time

I make giant just porn with my wife. Oh, that's right. You have a big wife. A tall wife. Yes, a tall wife. Okay. Big difference. Big difference.

Yeah. You're not pulling a sancho v. out here. You're going for the tall girls. I like to set the bar high. Very interesting. And that's been good for you. Fantastic.

You guys are making good money. Good money. Yeah. Have you ever thought about, you know, those guys probably like the difference in height, right, between the two people. Have you ever thought about letting Sancho Pancho Villa join in? Because...

I would charge him to be in the movie. That makes it. Probably love it. Oh, yeah. All right. Somebody's going to judge golf. Dr. Phil? Yeah, where do we...

Is it all available online or is there a specific... Where? Looking upfilms. Something. It's on fucking... What is that? Dot org or something like that? No, no, no.

Okay, it's on a... You sure it's not too... We sell it through square. We sell it through square, yeah. You don't know the website of you and your wife's porn? I copy and paste everything, dude. It's like... Wow.

Yeah, yeah, looking at Films. Goves? Yeah, look that up. All right. Who does doing great things. Mario Zapata, our second extremely confident Latino in a row. Oh,ale. You as well.

Yeah, it was good, Mario. You know what? I'll give you a big joke book. There you go. Did you get one last time? No. Okay, there you go. Boom. Good catch.

That's a little off. Put a last off. A little thicky one. There he goes. Mario Zapatah, everybody. That's perfect, Mario. That's an oki-dokey. Well, there he, all right.

There he is. Twelve years of comedy experience. There he goes. Mario Zapata, everyone. All right. Our next box. Pocket Pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Robert Carroll.

Here we go. Robert Carroll. Okay. This looks like a new face. Make some noise for Robert Carroll, everybody. Fucking A. Kill Tony. Wonderful. So, I'm on shrooms.

I got a lead with that. Sorry. What are the odds? This is my second time I sign up. There's no way they're fucking picking me. I'm shrooming pretty hard. Give me a little benefit, okay? So I guess stuck here for the ice.

Stayed at a goddamn hotel. Very nice hotel. But you know, how many times can a 60-year-old man jerk off and one afternoon? 38. The answer's 38. 69 would have been funnier, but it's really 38. So the mushrooms thing, anybody do psilocybin?

But, God damn it's bright. Oh, yeah, anybody's shrooming tonight? Whoop, whoop. Well, I am. Well, that was a bad idea. It's going to turn out fine, I'm sure. So I talked to all these young people, and I'm like, psilocybin's legal now.

And they're like, oh, that's so cute. Are you microdosing? And I'm like, no, I don't know. What the fuck is a microdose? Is seven grams a microdose? Yes. I guess I'm microdosing. Anyway, I'm Robert Carroll.

Thank y'all. You got to love a guy who 50 seconds in says it's going to turn out just fine. Amazing. You're certainly dressed like you're on a bunch of mushrooms. this all checks out. Robert, grab that microphone. Let's talk about it, man. How long have you been doing comedy for?

I lied. This is my absolute first time in front of a crowd and a microphone. There you go. Fucking A. Okay, perfect. We got it. All right, great. And you're 60 years old. What made you want to start comedy now? I went broke.

What? I went broke. Okay, ladies, stop. Okay, relax. Did you hear the laugh that got? Not at all. Shut the fuck out. What is going on with the women in this room tonight? It is unbelievable.

Mid-Lyghur. Some weird improv troupe. Kamala Loss lady, shut the fuck up. God, what the fuck is going on? Oh, this fucking one's back now. Okay, Red Band, very good. Wow, can the ladies start heckling if Red Band's gonna jump in with his fucking comedy?

I understood that. My God, okay. Robert, what made you? you want to start here today? It's a long story, but going broke in short and just... How did you go broke? Let's talk about it. It's okay. You're on the show. Decades of working as a builder for the commercial construction industry.

You got a little quiet there, Robert. You've really fizzled out. Years of working... The short version is I just suddenly realized, fuck it, I'm going to be 60. And if I keep scraping, things will be eh. So fuck them. I just literally went nuts. My whole family, they've decided to keep me, me, maybe. But like I said, I think it's gonna work out. I think he thinks he's in a bed bath and beyond right now.

You gotta talk, I couldn't understand. I wanted to follow that story. Well, it's a rambling bunch. I did lead with them on mushroom. I really thought mathematically the likelihood of me being on today was not very good. But I do function at a reasonably good level. What mathematically your odds are the same,

whether you're on. on or not on mushrooms. If you take an overload of mushrooms, that's when you wouldn't sign up. I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure that's true. I'm here, man. I have my second try, and here I am.

You got it. And you signed up last week as well. I did. I was here for the ice storm. What would you have talked about last week if you would have gotten pulled not on mushrooms? Were you on mushrooms last? I was on mushrooms.

So your whole plan was just to come out and go, I'm on mushrooms. I hope this goes okay. It has been. working so far. Where? Where has it been working? Have you been doing other open mics? I mean, my bank accounts aren't looking very good, but everything else is pretty sweet. How'd you afford that fucking scarf if you don't have any cash? Did you make that out of pubes and queves? Everything's negotiable.

What the fuck did that mean? I ain't trying to faggle that from you. This is an impossible interview. That's a you purchase. Tell us the fun fact about your life, man. You're 60 years and all you've said so far is I'm on mushrooms. Okay, I'm 60 years old. I'm a commercial builder. I'm a grandfather of three wonderful grandkids who I, we had Play Day Saturday. I was not on mushrooms for that.

Okay. I behave when the kids are... How often are you doing mushrooms nowadays? Often as I can, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have found that... Are you dealing with some type of trauma or something like that?

Aren't we all? Yes, yeah. Like what? Can you give us something compelling about your life? You have 60 years to reference here. Well, I lost 80 pounds last year. Oh, well, that's... So February of the 10th, thank you, thank you. And then somebody said, hey, you're kind of funny,

and hey, you're kind of... So I've been... I was here because I was working on the show, Meemaw with Roseanne Ball. I don't know if I was... Anyway, I was here as a background actor. Okay. I got stuck.

Joe Ellis is someone you know. Joe said, hey, you should do Kill Tony. Okay. I came with her. You didn't know if you were supposed to mention that you did background work on the show, Mima? Who would want you to...

keep that to yourself. Excellent point. I'm trying to follow. I know that, but I'm new. I have one other question. Do you put on all the jewels after you take the mushrooms? But this, I actually, I was wearing these things before I was doing the mushrooms, but I do wear this pretty well all the time. I mean, I do not sleep in all of it.

Is that strictly aesthetic, or do any of those things have a certain special meaning? It's probably OCD. Once you start wearing them, then you're like, oh, fuck, I don't have that on. I'm sure my left arm's going to fall. When about in your life did you start doing a lot of mushrooms? Oh, well, I did a lot when I was in college back in the 80s. I'm talking about this new one. Recently, my son just graduated from college and he's got a degree in engineering.

Give me a ballpark here. Oh, a year ago. Year ago, perfect. Let me ask you this. When did you start wearing that type of jewelry exactly? What's around your neck? That type. Probably two years ago.

Two years ago. It was a fading. When did you become turquoise, Mr. Tee? Cool. Yeah, you've definitely got a Jeff Bridges, Jim Henson, about to get Me Too to the Wedgels Prentz type of vibe. Jeff Bridges and Jeff... Bridges. The other guy, yeah.

All right, Robert. I've kept you up here way too long. Well, thank you for putting up with me. God damn it snuck in and you didn't torture me. The crowd was great. I am going to do something. You're likeful. Write a set.

Right. Write jokes sometime. And then you'll be back on. and then we'll know something about you. I love that you're on mushrooms and now we all feel like we're on mushroom. Yeah, it's contagious. Dr. Phil's throwing him a magnum condom, there you go.

You probably thinks it's a gummy worm. There he goes. There he goes. Drug addicts, everybody. Wow. Clean your shit up. Amazing. Grandkids.

There he goes. Hell yeah. There he goes. Yeah, show Joe Biden how to get out of here. He's stripping so hard. That guy's... These old people doing mass amounts of mushrooms out of nowhere. It's just insane.

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See site for details. Tocobas, point your toes west. Makes some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Tarek Morales. Hell yeah. You guys remember when driving a Tesla made you a Nazi? I miss those days. I like being called a different type of N-word.

Which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. That place is full of N-words. I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla model Third Reich. That's where I drive now. See, this joke is only fun and silly if you can remember that the N-word means Nazi, right? So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking N-words

coming down the sidewalk. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out N-word lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate Black people. But not as much as I hate those blonde-haired, blue-eyed, N-words. Thank you. Okay, 50 seconds from Tariq Morales?

Good job. Anything after Robert Carroll's amazing. Anything after an old man going, I'm on mushrooms. That's just incredible. At least you tried, Tarek. Amazing. Uh, first time? Second time. Second time ever doing stand-up. What made you want to say? sign up. No, no, no, no. Second time on the show. Oh, it is. All right. How did it go your first time? It went well, yeah. I had a full 60 seconds. It was great. All right. Okay. And how long ago was that? Maybe November? What do we find out about you then? What was the interview based around?

Oh, I had a gong, not that black. You had a gong? I had a gong, yeah. I didn't get to pull it out. Oh. I had it in my passenger seat. Oh. Car the whole time, and I just had to drive home with it in the Okay, yeah, that wasn't anything we covered in the interview last time. No. That was in your car. It was. Give us, what do you do for work, Tariq?

I work from home, so I'm just, like, getting paid to be unemployed. What do you do? Honestly, I don't know. It's like the documents, they come in, I hit, like, green or red. Child care. And then... Yes, he's a Somali daycare worker, everybody. Good job, Red Band.

Yeah. Mr. 233 over here. Okay, so you don't know what you do. You're getting paid? I'm getting paid. How much do you get paid? It's $20 an hour. How many hours a day are you working?

Eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. And the check's clear. The check's clear. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for fun? I like to play the piano, the piano player.

You're a piano player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of a beige Beethoven a little bit. Okay. Are you the kid for? fresh prince of bill there you go absolutely are you from austin texas no i just moved here in july okay where were you at before that boisey idaho nice all right tell us about being whatever you are in boise yeah i was the blackest person there which is super embarrassing uh are you are you black

half yeah half black half mexican puerto rican oh porto rican okay all right fair loop Yeah. I feel like it'd have been long enough. I just want to double back on the job you do because you said that I don't know the documents come in. You said, and I hit red or green. Yeah, there's literally a thumbs up or a thumbs down. I just...

You literally do not know what you do? Literally, yeah. It's like something with finance. I don't know. But what do you do? The fucking document comes in. I hit... I check these numbers to see if they match up with like client.

Are you on the cast of severance? Yeah. The work is mysterious and important. Definitely. The work is mysterious and important. Wow. How long have you worked for this company? Like three months. Wow. Yeah. Not long.

Why would you hit it green? The number, because the numbers match up with the client information. It's fucking Lumen. That's it. That's it. Yeah. And you would hit red when the numbers don't match.

When they don't match. And you do this for eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. hours a day. I'm watching movies. I'm on the phone. I'm hanging out with my comic friends. That's it. Was there training for this? Not really. No. Yeah. It's like day one. They're like, all right, here's what you're going to be doing. And the name of the company?

What the f-well. I don't think he's going to lose this nothing burger job if he says that. Tarreek, what's your love life like? Single right now. I can't afford to date. I make $20 an hour. So, yeah. You surprised. Yeah. Yeah. Single right now. I haven't been a lot. How long have you been in Austin? Since July.

And so you've been on no dates, you've met no women? I went on one date. I met her, like, at a show at Narbar. And it didn't go well. What happened? This is perfect. Take us through the night, Tarek. Yeah, she was just like, she was like a bodybuilder.

And I didn't, I didn't, I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie. And we went on the date. She was wearing like a tank top. And she had like some fucking bison. I wasn't ready for that. I think I was a little, she was, you know, thick neck. Thick neck, biceps, did you, is there any chance she had a dick?

Didn't make it that far. I think you went on a day with Joe Rogan. I'm telling me, milk meat involved. In the foreplay. Yeah, a lot of venison. Ah, fuck. That's it, Joe Roggan. She was jacked.

Now, and permission to speak freely, did, when she took her hoodie off and you saw just, gagoon, gagoon, right? And you saw, you were like, oh, there's a potential opportunity for me to peck fuck her, right? Did you... Wait, what was that, Dr. Phil? Peck fucker.

What does that mean? So, you know, she's so muscular, her boobs have turned into pecks. So if you still want to achieve a titty, I'll send you a link. Yeah. There's... But when she deroged, or declode, did you get excited?

Did you take a step back and go, this isn't what I ordered? Yeah, I broke out in a small sweat. I said, this is not what I ordered. Yeah. How'd you get out of there? I fucking, I paid, and I was like, pleasure meeting you. She went in for the kiss, and... You mean the headlock?

Yeah, yeah. When she went in for the kiss, exactly what happened. She went in for the kiss, and I was, I had enough time to kind of think about it, so I leaned back a little bit, and then I just looked away. Her eyes were closed, so I just looked and pretend I didn't see it.

And then I looked back. I was like, oh, hey, great meeting you. Wow. She was like a red document. Yeah, that was a thumbs down for me, Doc. It was a thumbs down. Wow. Tarique.

Absolutely incredible. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? You got a big one. All right. Well, there you go then. Tariq Morales, everybody. Bonesyes making all kinds of different joke books. Small, medium, large.

Some are black, some are brown, like Tariq. Okay. So, things are moving along here, but I think we need to shift the momentum. I mean, wow. This has been Sancha Pancho, Mario, Robert Carroll, and Tariq. I'm going to say none of them really knocked it out of the old fucking... Oh, I disagree. It's been my favorite soapbox.

That was bad after bad. I'm gonna bring up one of our unbelievable regulars, ladies and gentlemen, to sage the room. He is fucking fantastic. Make some noise for the great and powerful. The Dark Storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody. And I think on the reason that we got these little self-driving-ass cars in Austin is because there's not no black people to go, uh-uh.

I hate these little self-driving ass cars because they don't leave the human factor in there. Because if I'm drunk and I'm going home, who's going to wake me up in the Waymo? When you get drunk and you get into an Uber, the Uber driver wake you up and they so... Hey, sir, you're at your house. You know who wakes you up in a Waymo? The Tempe Police in Phoenix, Arizona.

That's where I went to sleep in a Waymo. And these niggas weren't nice. or kind at all. Take it from one example. One time, because I'm a heavy sleeper, that's why they was mad at me about waking me up in the waymo. They couldn't wake me up for 30 minutes.

One lady one time tried to wake me up. She couldn't wake me up. She couldn't wake me up. She took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and then called my mama. Nigger, I was up. Dad your Christian out of playing. I woke up immediately.

And I was like, I'm so sorry. I started cleaning because like, when I was a kid, when I was a kid, if your mama started whipping your siblings, if you clean it, she's not going to whip your ass too. And so I woke up, just started doing push-ups, cleaning, and then she was like, how dare you let this lady get it? And the next day, I had to go to that same Uber Lady place and then cut her grass and then wash her car.

That's my time. Thank you all so much. I'm Tedis Plegg. Boy, two minutes of material, tons of punchlines throughout cleansing the room of the debacle of the past four bucket pulls. I'm so sorry. What are you apologizing for? The bucket pools. Oh, yeah, exactly.

Great work, Dedrick. That really happened, didn't it? Yes, indeed. It sounds real. I texted the Instagram the night after that. I apologize to the tip of police. And I was so scared the whole time Because it was like

When you're drunk and they wake you up You're still lying When you wake up And you're like, oh, I shouldn't have been lying This whole time And the whole time I was like I'll be fine I'll just call Joe Rogan

That's right The Phoenix Tempe police love Joe Rogan They do They told me that When they were walking me To the Omni Where I was

I just did a sold-out show I felt so bad I didn't know I'm sorry. I'm sorry, timid police to the two officers, and I don't know y'all name. And the Instagram asked me that, too. They said, what officers?

I said, nigga, I told you I was drunk. That's amazing. That is incredible. I've never really thought about that. Falling asleep in a Waymo, there's no real... I heard that they start playing music really loud, is what I... I don't know. Slept through that, too.

They don't have good music. That's what fucked me up. Because I had went, I was leaving Rochester, New York, and then I had a 5 a.m. flight, so I stayed up, went to that flu, did two hours in Tempe, Arizona. And I was expecting to see my grandma, but my grandma was dying right now. And she's from, and she lives in Tempe. And so I didn't know until after the show. So I got drunk. And I started hanging out, and I started getting sad. I said, you know what, I'm going to leave. And then I got Nauamo. And Nauomo, they have suggestions for music, but none of them are good. What are they? Music that you listen to. Dr. Phil music. Vertical horizon? Sure.

I love Shania Twain. Don't play with me, baby, man. I'm right at... Hell yeah. Shania Twain, Mark Twain. He listens to it all. Sure, yeah. Well, maybe next time I'll fuck around that Waymo with you

and we can go get some fish sticks or something. We're not. Or you can just look at me and say, we'll be right black, you know. That's right. Oh, don't do that again. That's terrible. Dedrick. I love those teeth. Is there a specific song that would be on a Waymo? If you needed music to wake up a black person that fell asleep in a Waymo,

as our senior black correspondent, what song would you pick? Two Short. How does that go? What too short song again? What two short? I go on and on. Can't understand how that's so long. That's right.

I might have a superpowers. That's $203,000. That's as long as we can go without the copyright strike, so we get it. You play that, nigger, you can bring me out of the grade. That is... You play too short, nigger. I'd be bouncing. They should have a hits playlist to wake me up.

Don't let the... Knock it on the window. That doesn't mean nothing to me. I'm from Atlanta. We go to sleep. The gunshots, that's not. Absolutely. No. Think Pancho Sancho listens to Too Short as well?

You live in Atlanta too, don't you? Yeah. No, I'm in New York. I thought you was in Atlanta for a while. For two TV? No. Hey, Atlanta, this niggas a liar. That would be a great sketch on Impractical Jokers.

Just you guys going around the streets of Atlanta. telling each other what to say. Say hello, my friend. Do you have an extra wallet to the guy walking towards you right now? No, but I'm about to, motherfucker. See, I'm playing both roles in this. That's crazy.

Dedrick, what is one of the more dangerous things you saw in your days in Atlanta? Oh, man. Besides my best friend getting shot in front of me, Uh, this is... To a clip. Oh my goodness. Sorry, we don't have it.

All right. All right. The police don't come that fast in Atlanta, right back. That sucks. Go ahead. I saw with my own eyes, this is crazy. I was at a bar and one dude walked up to another dude and asked that nigger for a chicken wing. And the dude was like, order your own chicken wings, because he was like, yo, I bet you

$25, I can eat your chicken wings faster than you. That doesn't work anywhere. He said, you did but take your poe ass over there. And then that dude, I swear to God, this is the first time I've ever seen this entire in my life. He had a sock attached to a string. It was like just a string with a knot on the end of. And he started swinging around like it was a nun chunk.

There was something in the sock? It was something. That nigga was like, but if you defend your wings in Atlanta, that's your honor. You know what I'm saying? Like, asking for a niggil,

hot wing in Atlanta is like asking to fuck somebody wife. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like, that shit is... And this nigga pulled out of gadget. He'd been waiting. Yeah.

A sock with something in it at the end of a... You watch Lord of the Rings. You know, when Sal Ron came out with that little chain thing, that nigg was. I was like, ending was plugging up to ails. This was Lord of the Wings. Lord of the Wings,

ladies and China. That is tonight's fruit by the foot. Joke of the Night. Just to summarize, the two craziest things you saw in Atlanta was your best friend getting gun down in front of you. And someone eating someone else's

chicken wing. Yeah. And pulling out. Yeah, ho. So there's a string, and he's, then there's a sock that's enclosed. Yeah, it's like, two strings, and he has, like, woven into, like, a bigger thing.

Wow. He has, like, a, it looked like, I don't know what you call it, because I'm not from the medieval times. Right. But that nigger had one of those, he was like, how dare you? Yes.

And then did he, did he, he hit him with that? Oh, boy, did he? Oh, my God. And then the cops showed up, He said, this nigga asked me for a wing, and the cops said, we'll take him to jail. Oh, Dedrick, you're the best, man. Unbelievable.

No asking for wings in Atlanta. Don't ask for no other dude wings. That shit fucked up. Don't weird. That's my new boys. That's my new boy. That's some wisdom. That's what the dude said.

He said, don't ask me for a motherfucking wing. Oh, my God. That weapon sounds scary. Yeah. It's usually pennies. They put pennies in a sock. Yeah. Who's they, Red Band?

Your people. Who's they? Your people. Who's they? The old they them. Black people got quarters, too. I actually talk about that in my book. Chapter 35.

Black people have quarters. Your local Barnes & Noble. Black people are people, too. Dedrick, he rebuilt the momentum in the room. Thank you so much. He's done it again. Clint. Everybody, with some tails from the streets,

socks on the end of strings, and many great things. Your next bucket pool is a one-word name. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Taja, everybody. Taja. Hey, I just slept with my first white woman. Hey, I'm glad you proud, nigga, because my girl was pissed.

For real, man, it's bad. This is bad for, for... I had never been one. I've never a white woman before, but I come fast, I bust quick. Some people say premature, I like to say right on time. But now, as soon as I put it in, I bust, like, instantly, nigga. I was like, my bad, I'm sorry, oh my God. She said, no, Jerome, it's okay.

I said, that's not my name. But I like the energy, though. It's real supportive, bro. It's very supportive. This white woman, though, she changed my life, brother. She fucked me up, nigg. She fucked me so good. I drink IPAs now.

I'm for real. My homie hit me up. He was like, you're trying to go to the club? I was like, nah, nah, you wanna go to the brewery? We play cornhole. Listen to Shania Twain. Nick, we can. Now, look, before we started having sex, she stopped me.

She said, what are your kinks? What are your kinks? I don't have any kinks, though. She said she had a praise kink, which is like words, affirmation, good girl, shit like that. That's not me, nigger. I don't think I did it right. I was like, ooh, you the goat.

All right, that's my time, man. Taja. Great set. Fantastic. You've been on this show before? Once. Yeah. This went better than last time, I bet, right? Hell yeah. Well, welcome, welcome. How long have you been to stand up? I just hit three years today. Today's your three-year anniversary. How about that? Amazing. What do you do for work? I'm electrician. Okay. Yeah, I get up at 5 a.m. every day and work like 10 hours. Wow. Wow. That's when Red Band goes to bed. New job, right?

Huh? New job? No, no. Did you used to work at an Apple or something like that? Hell no, nigga. I think you're thinking about one of the other day. Amazing. You ever get hit on when you're doing electrical work at a lady's house? No, I do like industrial shit, like data centers and shit.

Okay. It was one time, though. It was one time I went to a lady's house as a kindergarten teacher, and she tried to sleep with me and my coworker. Yeah, yeah. I ain't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull it off, but...

Okay. I know, nigga. I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about that one. You work at a data center. Yeah, I'm with the union, so I just get moving around. They just move me around.

Do you know your data? I'm half white, so... Okay. Your dad's white? Yeah, yeah. White dad, black mom. They still together? Hell not.

No. No. Why do you think that end? Do you think, why do you think that happened? Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah. How old were you when they divorced? They were never married.

They were never married. No, no. I was like one, but, you know. Are you sure your dad's white? I swear to God. Okay. White is here. All right.

Super white. Okay. And what does your dad do? He a realtor. And what does your mom do? Shit. Okay. The documents come in and then...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. T-A-I-J-A. Does that mean something? Tai-J. It's like ta-and-a-j-a. Tai-J. Ty-J. Your mom is black. That's what I call Target.

Tai-J. Okay. I bet nobody says that correctly, right? No. Right. Impossible to announce that it based on. of this spelling, Tai J. All right, Dr. Phil.

You mentioned the premature ejaculating. When did that begin and how you treating it? Because I would have ventured to assume not many women receiving that information are fired up, right? And I know you may finish. Some you're probably really used to hear him, right? Now, people right here. Right here.

Let me, yeah. But what I mean by that, Tawanna, is, is there something that you do to compensate, right? So if you're going to get, if you're going to bust your nut, corn nut style, right? Yeah. And the girl's still laying there like a dead fish being like, well, where's my fucking, you know, come, you know, where's my, however she says it, you know. What do you say to make her feel like it's not a waste of time? Hey, I gotta get out of here, but... Wow.

That's what your white father said. Some heads up. You can last longer using Blue Chube Gold. Use the promo code Tony at bluechew.com. Get 10% off. That's bluechew.com. I love it. That's right.

You really are like a union guy. You just leave before the job is done. That is tonight's Frito Le, joke of the night. Amazing. Ty J. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? I don't really have a lot of time. I just go to work and then I do comedy.

My brother's gay. Oh, shit. All right. What's his phone number? Just fucking throwing red meat to the panel. me to the panel. Desperations. What does he do for work? What does he do for work? Yeah. I think he like a librarian.

Some gay shit. Okay. Hell yeah. All right. He's like one. That means he hangs around libraries a lot. Homeless. Amazing.

Tai Jay. Tai Jay. Some interest is that he did just bring his boyfriend home for the first time. Oh, let's talk about that. Now, did he brought him home? home to your black mother or to your white father? To my white father. Ooh, okay.

How did white dad take that? Well, I mean, you know, he's... We'll be white dad. How do white dad handle that? He, you know, he's very supportive and shit. He's supportive. I was mad, though, I was... I didn't like it. Right.

What do you think your black mother would say about? Well, on my mama's side, I got a sister and she gay. Oh, shit. Yeah, but she is stud. Oh. Yeah, yeah. And then my brother on my dad's side, he like, you know. Flamboyant, flamboyant, yeah.

Okay. He's a tiger? He's a... He's a... Gay tiger, yeah. He's a tigrarian. Okay. Was your brother's boyfriend a big fat white guy?

No, no. No, more like Tony's bill. That's right. 164. Point nine But I was mad because that nigga was ugly, bro That's the thing that made me mad about it

That's what pissed you up Yeah, because I don't care if you're gay Don't bring no ugly nigga home Yeah But you gotta get held to the same standard Yeah, he looked like he bite people I'm for real He had a fucked up grill

Nicky it was bad Maybe your brother likes to last longer in bed And it's easy to do With an ugly person Thank you, yes This is some of my tricks when I want to last long in bed I hook up with an ugly man hey okay this shows out of control did you get a big joke book last time oh well you're getting

one tonight Ty Jay there you go buddy and it keeps on rolling good job talk on to the next one is the great JZ1 said on to the next one your next bucket pull goes by the name of Greg McHowan everybody here comes Greg McHowen. Yo, what's going on? Kill Tony. Yo, recently I've been trying to date, but it's been very hard with an Android phone

because for some reason, iPhone users always discriminate on me based off the color of my text messages. You know what I mean? It's always weird. Like, every time I'm in a club and I'm trying to talk to a girl, I feel like Martin Luther King.

I'm like, I have a dream that one day green messages in blue messages. We'll wait that they come together. You know what I mean? It was great. Like, I can imagine I'll have, like, a group of Android supporters behind me

leaving the club. They'll be chatting shit like, green or blue, we don't care. Let us see your underwear. Like, shit's crazy. Across the street, you know what I'm saying? You'll see, like, the Android supporters, I mean, the iPhone supporters.

And they'll be saying shit like, well, if he ain't blue, then he can't come through or shit like that. You know what I'm? I mean? Yeah. Holy shit. Okay, I'm pretty sure that's his... This is crazy. That's his closing line there. Greg McAllen. I like your mustache guys. Greg, how you doing? Is this your first time on the show? This is my first time on the show. Welcome, welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up?

About two and a half years, Tony? About two and a half years. Yes, sir. I love it. And Ty J's your brother? Is that correct? All right. I knew he looked familiar. I was. Long loss, long loss, you know. That's right. That's right. Greg McCowan. Okay, two and a half years you've been on stand-up, all here in Austin? No, originally from Dallas. Okay.

What do you do for work? All these people have fake-ass jobs now. Currently unemployed, aren't. When's the last time you had a job? Last year, 2025, the last month of 2025. December. December. Yes, that would be.

It took a little minute. It took a little minute to collectively get it. The last month of 2025. I think 2025 was a December. It landed on December. Correct, correct. Correct. The last month was December and 25.

Sometimes it's February. You never know when the last month's going to be. What was the job that you had until December? I worked as a customer service rep for like Spectrum. Basically, I was just calling people about their bills trying to help them out and shit like that. Calling people about their bills. Dr. Phil. Yeah.

recently been in too many spectrum debacles. Oh, well, oh. So maybe we could do a little role play here and you could give me some confidence in the establishment. All right. Your phone's ringing, Dr. Phil. Hello, who the fuck is this? It's 10 a.m., you better be on fire.

Thank you for call. Thank you for call. This is spectrum calling about your bill. It's been overdue for about three months now, so we're calling because you haven't missed your pay and we're trying to give you a little... Can you get to the fucking point, son? We're basically trying to give you a heads up

to let you know that we'll be knocking something off your bill if we can get clicked right now, collect a little bit right now. You know what I'm saying? Don't talk to me like that. I don't know what you're saying. First of all, how'd you get this number? I'll start 69 to your ass.

You start 69? We got your number on file. We saw that you have been missing a lot of payments or a lot of house. Apparently you just haven't been paying your bill. I don't know how you're not paying your bill. Well, it's been a rough, ever heard of COVID, motherfucker? Well, you know what?

I got you, I got you. This is what we'll do. Well, if you go ahead and pay 100 right now, you ain't even got to worry about the bill, dog. Don't even worry about the shit. All right, let me call my friend Red Band real quick and see if he can bend mo me 100 bucks. Uh-oh, red band, pick up the phone.

Yes. Hey, what's up? What's that? What's up? 257. Oh, shit. You know, I'm just here eating. What?

What? So, so, so, so he's the one we gotta, we gotta get, we gotta get the money from. So, so me and him are against you over this. Is this a three-way call? What is happening right now? Who patched this fucking guy in? I remember, Tony. Oh, hello.

There's a fourth caller. Sorry, this is how we do things at the Philhouse. I know you guys are spectrum thinking you can fucking one-on-one this shit, but I got a whole half-court ready to play, motherfucker. You ever played a pickup game at 24-hour fitness? Hell yeah. Guys just show up.

All right, go ahead, Tony. How exactly did you lose that job? Basically paying off a lot of people's shit, like just pushing through and shit like that, just, you know, helping some people out. They didn't like that shit. They didn't fuck with that shit at all. Okay. So how much money

do you have in your checking account right now? Right now? Yeah. Fuck. Well, uh. Just give us a ballpark. Ballpark about 10 bucks. 10 bucks.

10 bucks. Okay. A solid 10. When is rent due? What's your living situation? Currently, I live at the homeless shelter that's like right down the street from here. Oh, okay.

At arch. All right. This guy loves the homeless. Huge support. That's not as sad as having an Android phone. How long have you lived at the shelter? I've been in Austin for probably like about a month now, so I'm a month. Okay.

And how are we going to, wait, you move from Dallas. So you had a living situation in Dallas. You're sacrificing at all for stand-up comedy right now. Okay. How much material do you think you have all together if you were to do your longest set? We just saw your Android material tonight. I would probably say between 10 to 15. 10 to 15.

10 to 15. Okay. So what can you do? Like, what kind of job can you be good at? Customer service, anything sales-related. Anything just dealing with talking to people is what seems to be. Felt the fucking test. What was that?

Failed the test. Wild strange. Okay. What's that from? Antonio, what? Oh, Antonio Brown. That's right. Okay, that's a deep cut.

All right. That happened. on this show. Holy shit. All right. I'm about to have to hire a brand new keyboard player. Do you not have to play my simple keyboard? I don't know. I can make something work. I don't know.

He's seen pretty solid back there, though. I'm kidding. He's not going anywhere. What sort of food do they serve you at the shelter? Shit, literally. Literally. They serve like scrambled eggs, regular shit. You know, sometimes they do a little chicken,

bolognaze, you know, some type Chicken balanase. Amazing. I've never even heard of that before. That sounds like... Well, you notice how he said balanais, not boulinets. It's like the dollar store spaghetti.

Yeah. It's chicken and mayonnaise shaped into a ball. It's chicken bolognese. It's real good. It's real good. It's not bad, yeah. Food is food at some point.

Oh, hell yeah. Well, how do you make friends there? You're a pretty, you know, chummy guy. Oh, yeah. I met some people since I've been out here in Austin there. Yeah. Dr. Phil has a great point.

Very rarely do we get to talk to anybody in the flesh about living in the homeless shelter. So kind of take us through what might surprise a normal person or like. Shit, man, where the fuck do I start? So it's kind of like a cot, cold, cold, cot, three bullshit meals, if you can call it that, occasional fights, you know, a lot of crackhead energy. You know, you see people in the corners sniffing cocaine. You know. But you don't do drugs? No, no, I don't do drugs.

Okay. I watched them do, I'm an observer, Tony. I watch them do drugs. And they do it in such a terrible fashion. But, you know, they do what they do. They do what they do. Okay. All right.

Well, Greg McAllen. Easy women, right? Like, do you ever get laid at the homeless shelter? Got to laid outside of the homeless shelter. In a bush? Sure. And then, like, yeah, near a tree. Okay. You got to find it any way you can get it. All right.

Talk about that in my book, actually. That's crazy. Chapter 47. Pussy's a pussy. Old pussy bush. Depending what year it is. All right. So you have family in Dallas?

Yeah, I have family in Dallas. And did they just not, did they kind of like kick you out and tell you to go do your own thing? Or was moving to Austin to a homeless shelter? your own idea. No, actually, they didn't kick me out. I just kind of just left on my own. It was just like, I'm just going to do it. I'm all in for it.

How old are you? 29. I just turned 29 on the 31st. Okay. 31st of the last month of the year. Yeah. Of some month. First month of the year.

Yeah. All right. Happy birthday. Appreciate it. Does the shelter do anything? They give you like a cupcake or something like that? No, no, no. Nothing at all.

Nothing. Damn. Nothing. This is all so interesting. Fuck. Yeah, well, we don't have any like sales jobs or anything or anything like that. So this is going to be one of the saddest endings

to an interview in the history of the show. She's got a job offer. Yeah, she raised her hand. She definitely, she's been wasted for two hours. That is not the place to find hope, my friend. You think you could sell nachos? I think I could sell nachos. I can sell the fuck out of some nachos. Greg McHowan.

I'll tell you what. You have a lot of work to do, so here's a big joke book just to fill it up. Just to have something. Worst comes to worse, sell it, double your net worth. Yeah. There he goes, Greg McHowan, everybody. There goes Greg.

Yeah, let's do that. Let's go with one of our golden ticket winners who's here to pop in, just visiting, swinging by in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is. Jackshot.

Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded, a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad. This guy, he won't stop saying it. I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking... I'm so Jewish. I have family on both Epstein and Schindler's list, dude.

But I... You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism, dude. There are. Like, there are, man. Like, I mean, we're both loud. We're prone to nervousness. We're very socially... Shut the fuck up, dude.

We're... No, we're very anxious people. We can be obsessive. But I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains. Thank you guys so much. Jack Scho. You people really do come out and just say that you're Jewish. I've always wondered what you were.

Just kidding. Greg Fitzsimmons. So the last guy worked for Spectrum and you're on. I'm on. Yeah. It's come full circle. Just like a choo-train, if you will. Jack. That was funnier. than you guys gave it credit for. Or a juju train. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, don't play that. Don't play that sound, please. There you go. There's a little something to cleanse the bones. Jack Shaw, how's life been going? Dude, it's been going great. The last time I was on the show, Joe Rogan told me to do some props.

So I bought some fucking props tonight. You had some successful props last time you were on. Is the show, let's fuck it. Who's ready for some Jew props, huh? It's Jew props. Makes sense. This first one is to make your Jewish friends feel comfortable on Christmas. Wow, I love it.

Hey, Jew props, we're talking Jew props, we're talking Jew props. My dad really doesn't want me to do this one, but this is a Hasidic gas mask. Oh, God damn. Oh, you got it. We'll picture it. Put it on. Put AI on it. Fuck, fuck.

Just do it, do it like it works. And then put the thing over your head second. And this is a Hasidic gas mask. A Hasidic gas mask, everybody. There you go. He said it, not me, by the way. This one, this is an ancient dick pick. That's my dick, dude.

If anyone has a pig at home and that pig gets hurt, How about some oinkment? Oinkment? Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. Jew props. We're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. He's doing the Jew props.

Jew props. Uh-oh. This is a drawing by D. Madness. I thought that was pretty... I think that's pretty good. It looks great. That's amazing. Great stuff.

This is health insurance. for a healthcare CEO. Ah, bulletproof best. All right. Bagel and locks top. Let's wrap it up. This is a, this is Lego Epstein Island, everybody. This is, I thought that was going to go so much better.

What the, Jesus Christ. All right, well, we have an expansion pack with Donald Trump and Bill Clinton. All right, Trump was never on the island, but keep going. Clinton was 55 times. What's that one? Stephen Hawking. Yes, he was there. God damn it.

That's right. Well, you know, we tried it. That's right. Jack Shaw lives in L.A., so they will never let it go that Trump was never on Epstein Island. Just a fun fact. But he was never there.

Okay, well, that didn't go great. It's like... Sal Volcano. It's a little like carrot stop. I was hoping Caratop will be here so I could ask him for some mentorship. So carrot top, I'll be carrot bottom right here. Whoa.

Yeah. ready for that yeah that's amazing hey you want you want this wow that's a lot of that's a lot of red pew here you're here'll trade you can't have it all right i'll trade you there you go you can't use you could use that you can believe in yourself jane if i scrunch it down and it's fine you could just put your whole body into it yeah yeah yeah put it over my head that's a yarmul that fits one full pancha pancha Take your time. Sounded out.

Pancho Sancho Bia. Jack, it turns out we love good and bad props here. I loved it. Make some noise one more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. What a hoot. There he goes. The lovely Jack Shaw. Back to the bucket we go.

This name came from the inside. Make some noise for B.H.C. Tommy. B.H.C. Tommy. Last Christmas, a Corpus Christi coroner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. And they said it was the best sex ever, magical even, Abercadver if you will. Now that's what I call Netflix and chilled. There's a burial plot to us. The offender's actually a woman.

Thank the Lord for rigor mortis. She testified that her favorite movies are die hard and rise of the living dead. In related news, a local drive-by shooting at 12 casualties. That means she was down there gang banging gang bangers. It was Crips and blood everywhere with no regard for human life because there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges, literally, because she had jumper cables hooked up to their nipples.

Here's the real shocker. She only got caught because she got pregnant. The dumb ass was out there raw dog and zombies when she should have been using the Twilight birth control method. That's when you bang only vampires. And it works. because a vampire can't come inside anywhere without permission first. That's it.

Okay. BHC. Tommy. There was a lot there. There was, I mean, that may have been so many, you had so many attempts. You had so many jokes. And only that one at the end. I don't know what the 12 people

that laughed at that one saw in the vampire thing. Maybe I'm missing it. South Volcano. I think as Wayne Grezky said, you miss all hundred attempts that you take. No, I appreciate that. That was the most dense minute I've ever seen on this show.

It's true. What you did was you really hitched your wagon to one thing. And so once it, you know what it is? When you came out, the setup was you got into it so quickly. I almost kind of was a little bit like confused. Well, it's part of a bigger set that's not quite a minute. So I just try to. Is that your thing?

Do you just have jokes about like fucking dead corpses and stuff? Well, I mean, the only thing Stiff Obama, my love of life is the competition. There's another one. BHC. Tommy. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been chasing this selectively since last February. Okay. Chasing this selectively. Three way to say I'm not really doing.

Bro, you are going to make it. That's what you got to do when you really want something. You chase it selectively. Yes. Yeah, what do you mean by chasing selectively? Take us through your work out. So, I've been a fan of the show for a couple of years. Started chasing the bucket last February.

And... Chasing the bucket. Sounds like a Judy Blume book that never made the cut. Chasing the book. Are you there, God? Yeah. So, and I've done some mics and some practicing to get ready for this because it would be insane to come up here with a zero mic.

I agree. I agree. and especially if you did that while on mushrooms at the age of 60 that would be insane and it happened here tonight okay so BHC Tommy how old are you I'm old Tony 43 43 what do you do for work I work with marine construction

marine construction you mean we build beaches you build beaches yes it's a thing it's dredging so we have a boat that basically has a draghead that sucks up all the material. Uh-huh. And then we pump it to the beach, and the beach constructs the beach. Wow. And then red band washes up on it, and that's how you find a red band.

Okay. BHC. Tommy. So how long have you been doing that for? About seven years. Anything crazy ever happened when you're out there dredging? Yes, but I'm not really allowed to talk about it too much, just because it's government contract.

and whatnot. But, I mean... It's kind of like you were a background player on that show. Let me give you an answer to that you can. We find, like, we find explosives and, like, civil warhead missiles and stuff. And this is mostly off the coast of Texas. We do do, do work in... You do do? Okay.

And Freeport, but I've been working mostly in New Jersey. Oh, I can't even imagine when you find in New Jersey. Absolutely incredible. How long has your hair... How long has that been? How long? It looks like your barber was chasing your head selectively.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. Dr. Phil. Oh, shit, there he is. Mr. McGraw. Now, that's a joke because I can't pull it off. So I'm obviously deflecting

and admiring, but also judging. When I go to the barber, I say make it look like GIG on this side and Barbie on this side. Well, you're killing it. But for real, how long have you had it like that?

Probably like 18 months, It's a new acquisition. What made you want to go with that? I mean, I've always had the Mohawk on the side, but I have a nephew who plays hockey, and he's got, like, the flow and the mullets, so we kind of grew it out together.

That's cute. Okay. Why B.H.C., Tommy? What does the BHC mean? So, BHC has just, like, been my handle for all my social media ever since, like, AOL and some messenger. It's just a nickname I've had.

Banging hot corpses? Sometimes. Oh. Fist bomb. Hey, I want to play, I want to play Big Hairy Cock. Wow. Sal, your turn. So it really stands for Big Hater Company because just I hate on shit all the time. Like, I just talk shit. Wow. What do you hate on? I mean, I'm just a troll in general. Like, I just... Oh, Jesus Christ. This fucking broad. Be hating Cucci, I think is what she said. All right.

B.H.C. comedy. Here's a little joke book from the Great Bones Eye. Keep trying. Keep selectively chasing your dreams. There he goes. B.H.C. Tommy. Some people just, some people just try.

Some people just hope for the best. You got to try. If you don't at first succeed, you know, well, maybe figure, do something else. Is that in the book? Chapter four. You son of a bitch. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody.

So, uh, I don't do one night stands anymore. I do two night stands. Otherwise, it looks, you know, makes the bedroom look uneven. Yeah, last time I hooked up with the girls on 6th Street and, you know, she takes me home. I'm super drunk, she's super high, you know. We start mac and as soon as we walk through the door. And, you know, I go down on her. I don't know why I was just in the moment.

I go down on her. I'm horny, that's why. But, yeah, she stops me. I'm like, oh, shit, is she on her period? No. I'm like, she trans? No. She told me she had a DUI, or that's why I thought I heard, you know?

And I'm like, why did you tell me this now? You drove us here and then you're going to tell me that? That's fucking crazy. But she tells me, no, no, no, no, a V-Y-I. I'm like, V-Y-I. What the fuck's a V-Y-I? She had vaginal yeast infection. I was like, yeah, I'll take the mac.

You can keep the cheese. Thank you. My name's Lorenzo Tyree. All right, Lorenzo, Tyree. Lorenzo, have you been on this show before? Yeah, third time. Their time. What?

Third time. Yes, sir. Absolutely, welcome. How's it going, man? Man, pretty good. I didn't expect it tonight. I was drinking a picture. of that good stuff, the tequila, pineapples.

You had a picture of tequila pineapples? Yes, yes. You think that was a good idea? Yeah, I was like, you know, chill and I, I love being hanging with the other comedians, it would be fun. Okay, well. Are you the second Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bill Air? I am not.

All right. Just making small talk. Thanks, Dr. Phil. Thanks. It is incredible. I like your, I do want to say, you know, the, a lot of sexual content tonight, which is fair. It's a relatable topic.

It's something we're all going through and trying to figure out. But you said a second stand. So you are out there trying to grease the wheels quite often, yeah? Well, it's a simple yes or no question. You're an active. Preseason. Preseason for what? WNBA? The fuck are you talking about?

Breeding, breeding, breeding, breathe. It's my way of saying you look like a giant lesbian, Lorenzo. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Somehow you look like every character from Sesame Street at once. It is so crazy. Absolutely incredible.

Ladies, any stud likers out here? This guy's built like a fucking palm tree. Look at this guy. Oh my God. Tequila pineapples. Do you ever make jokes? I spoke so about your appearance, because that is one way to get the crowd on your side, right? It's to be self-deprecating

right out of the gate. Yeah, I got a couple. I got a couple. Yeah. I missed last season because I was in a Russian prison. Shit, that's Alaska. That's why, yeah. Alaska's basically a Russian prison. All right. Lorenzo, what do you do for living? Mainly work a smoke shop job right now. I also work

fireworks in Alaska. You what? I work with, like, I do fireworks out there. You work with fireworks? Yeah. What exactly do you do with fireworks? Cargo containers come in with full of fireworks. Where are they coming from?

China? Yeah, I think so. You don't know where they're coming from? Well, who else makes fireworks, Tony? I'm asking you. You're the one that works in the fucking business, Lorenzo. Jesus Christ, the attitude on these children nowadays. Fucking people.

It's unbelievable. What? Lorenzo, anything happened interesting in your life since the last time you were on the show? Me and my girlfriend separated. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. How long were you with her for? Met her in May of last year.

Dated her in August to January. Okay. You just named a bunch of months. It didn't get a single answer out of you. Perfect. What made this separation happen? They weren't any more fireworks. The fireworks went out.

I'll be here for the rest of the evening. What made you separate? I just think we were too different, you know, not the Yen-Yang type either. What do you mean? Too different. Isn't she a woman as well? You know, I like working out.

She really didn't. Long-term, that's, you know, I need that, you know, future. You know, going out, I didn't. She like, what? Going out. I didn't like going out. You're a homebody. Kind of.

I go out for mics and stuff like that, but I like to be out too often. I get really drunk sometimes. It sounds like you do that a lot. If you drank a pitcher of tequila pineapple before the opportunity of a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you might have a drinking problem. Sorry, Grandma. What? That's his closer.

That's how he signs off his sets. Sorry. That's my time. Sorry, grandma. Yep. I'm actually not mad about it. It's a little bit better than buckle up. They're in the same department store, though.

Lorenzo, we're going to keep it moving along. There goes Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. There he goes. You got nothing but little joke books, right? I'm guessing. A little and medium. Okay, little medium next time. Keeping it moving along.

Make some noise for Sion Lazar out of the bucket. Go. You just. drunk-ass motherfucker. Jesus Christ. Zion Lizarre. You thought it was one of those AMB doors, you know,

one of those automatic curtains. Hold on a second. Hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just missed something crazy. I don't know if you guys heard, but Dr. Phil just said he thought it was one of those

gas station doors. He stood there waiting. Let's reset. Ladies and gentlemen, This is the Kill Tony debut, I do believe. One more time for Sion Lazar, everybody. Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land.

But I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here, you should see how they walk. There's this one guy. He walked into me about ten times. It's kind of like those remote cars when they bump into something. They just, boom, boom. They don't even look up from their phone.

They just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is they got a lot of metrosexuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosexual is? If you don't know what a metro... Calm down, Americans. Come down. Stand on your head and calm down. Like the police say.

Sir, put your hands in the air, stand on your head and calm down. No. Calm down, sir. You need to go... No, what they do is in the metro, if you're walking around and you don't know what a metro sexual is, just watch who's bouncing off of the poles. All right.

Sion. Lazzar. Sion, where are you from? I'm originally actually from Texas, but I live most of my life Mediterranean. In the Mediterranean Sea? In Mediterranean area, yeah, Greece. How old were you when you moved to the Mediterranean Sea?

19. 19. And how old are you now? I'm 34. 34. So, oh my God. Fuck you, Texas. Fuck you. In 15 years. Okay, guys, Jesus. I see why you moved to the Mediterranean. Fucking drunk Latinos everywhere.

So in 15 years, you're saying that that accent's like real? Well, you work on it, you know, it's not perfect. But you polish it and you sleep on it and it is what it is. I don't know what to say. No, I think you're reversed. I think he's saying that the accent you have now, what you're saying, Yeah. Oh yeah, he thinks...

Bear with me. You think that he's saying that you're trying to achieve a better American accent and you're working on that. Oh. He's saying that you lived here for 19,000. for 19 straight years first and definitely didn't speak the way you're speaking now.

Yeah. And then you picked up a heavy accent from the Mediterranean over the last 15 years, which is peculiar. Yes. This is like me coming back from the two-week vacation I took last year to Rome and me coming back like, how's everybody you're doing?

I don't even know what you talk about. It's good to be a home to an America. A benavirut America. He's like, How you say cucumber? If you understand me, I don't know. You hear these metrosexuala? I've been in the Mediterranean for about 15 years.

I was born in Texas. Can you hear the Texas in a me accent? Holy shit. I'm from Texas, so we like a thing to be. And I'm an English teacher, by the way. It's the worst thing. I was born with a barbecue flies like wings. You never ask another man for his wing.

Fuck at the babo. Fuck the dog. We were the owner. And then it bump into something. What the fuck was that? The only accent they know is Italian. It's strange. Sorry, Grandma.

Well, I mean... To ourselves. If you got a rhythm, it continue, gentlemen. I'm enjoying myself too. We are. So the accent, you would label that more. You would label that more as Greek? No, probably more Israeli, actually.

Okay. I speak Hebrew. I speak a little Greek and Turkish, too. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't take him long to bring it up, did he? Call back, yeah, baby. He's back.

Bitsdog. If you ask, you're going to find out. That is tonight's Honeynut Cheerios joke of the night. Wow. So, Sion, I got to give you credit. Out of all the interviews out of the bucket I've had tonight, do seem like the most interesting. You're answering questions. It seems as though you have some life experience. What have you been doing over there? What made you leave Texas and go to the

Mediterranean? Well, I teach English. I focus on the adjectives more than the nouns, if that makes any sense. This is incredible. But not the pronouns. Over in America, things are very strange, pronoun-wise. Go on. Tell us about that. You have global knowledge. It's good what you're saying so that Americans can hear it. Go ahead. Well, so you see, you have the he and then you have the she. But sometimes, in certain circumstances, the she, or usually the he, will decide that he would like to try the other side. So he looks up a doctor. So he looks up a doctor. And the doctor says, turn around. And then he examines the size.

That's the first thing. And if it's too large, then he needs special equipment. But sometimes it's minimal. It's nominal. And in that case, he just says, continue with what you're doing, put on a little lipstick, and you're good to go. Anyway, to the bride and groom.

Yes, to the minute. Worst wedding speech of all time. Can you imagine your best friend's getting married and he's up here going, hey, let's get the to, let's get the, go to meet Zelda in the parking lot for some rubbing tugs. What the fuck was that? I'm sorry, I drink a picture of a tequila pineapple.

That is true. It is not the direction I thought things were going to go. but I found it hypnotizing. So you teach English in all those different places and you kind of just go wherever you want? Yeah, well, yes, that's the way it is. It's kind of addictive, actually. Once you start traveling, you just can't stop.

You just keep running away forever. And you convince people that this is the way Americans speak. So wherever I'm teaching, they're gonna talk like me. And wherever you're teaching, you're gonna talk like them. You have to assimilate. You have to assimilate. Hell yeah. I have to say this is the one contestant tonight.

Panelist, guest. What do we call them? Bucket pool. Bucket pool that looks like he gets pussy. That is true. Or dick. Do you do well? I've seen one or two.

You present like everything you're saying is so much more important than it really is. You might not think it's funny. I'm going to go home and laugh at myself. You got me hooked. I'm like, what happens to the he and the she? It comes from Genesis, Chapter 6. And they knew that they were naked.

And they hid themselves in the garden. God agrees. We are getting worried that God agrees with you. Christians, Christians. Where are the fucking Christians. Cyan. Go ahead, Dr. Phil. Do you do drugs?

Excuse me? Do you do drugs? Like, are you a casual weed smoker or... No, no, I live in China. They kill you for that. You live in China now, too? It's the death penalty. Yeah, I live in China now.

Oh, I live in China so long. I talk like that now. I teach English. What's hot? Can you imagine? Have you ever heard a white guy with a Chinese accent? This guy was born in fucking Texas. It could happen.

And I wanted to. What did you say? If there's any Chinese people, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, we have a very small Chinese fan. How dare you say? There's Chinese people in Texas. Not here. Not here.

Is this a clan meeting? What the? All right. Sion, relax. Excuse me. Excuse me. A Wutang clan meeting, perhaps. Okay, so Sion.

All right. What does Sion mean? Cion. It's like Zion in English. So, oh. You are Jewish? I don't know. I'm a Jada.

Okay, that's enough. There you go. Get down! I don't know your God! He said, buckle up in Hebrew. Tomato, Ray Romano. You know what I'm saying? If I killed your gods, don't mess with me.

What the fuck? Don't talk about that in this book. All right, all right. If we killed God seriously, do you want to mess with the guy who killed God? I'm just saying. Yeah. Is that what you use on a first date?

Yeah. How you've seen two, puss? If they come at me with you killed God, I'm like, so why you want to fuck with the motherfucker who killed God? You know what I'm saying? It's pretty badass if you ask me. All right. All right, all right.

I'm sorry. Like, you put it on me. You put it on me. If I could, God kill it, I'm going to put that on my fucking sweatshirt. Here you go. Here's a medium-sized joke book, Cian. Oh, thank you. Sayon.

There he goes, everybody. There he goes. Thank you. Thank you for the conversation. Those doors will open up automatically if you just stand in a lot of handshakes. All right, there they go. There they go. Thank you.

One more time for Sion, everybody. All right. Okay, we have one last bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Layla Engels, everybody. We know Layla. She's been on this show before. Hey, Mothership, it's good to be here. I've always had a nervous energy about me my whole life.

But stand-up has helped me a lot. It's been a huge confidence boost. Sometimes after I get off stage now, people come up to me and they'll be like, Layla, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B-cups. Okay, sick, sick, sick. A little bit about me. I can't watch Kevin Bacon movies with my dad.

He's Muslim. I have been single now for like 13 or 14 months. I don't remember exactly. I'll have to recount the slits on my wrist. It's been 14. I was with a guy for six years. And then after six years, he told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, well, we can dye your hair.

Okay, thank you. Thank you, thank you. Layla Ingalls. Welcome back, Layla. How's it going? It's going good. It's going good. Were you going to say something else there?

No, it's going good. I just wish I had time to finish my joke. I'm sorry. Did you want to do it? Oh, just do it. Really? It's kind of long. How long is it? It'll be no more than 40 seconds.

Okay, there you go. All right, sure. Let's do it. What do we got to lose at this point, Layla? Go right ahead. He told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, well, we can dye your hair. And then... I felt like the meow interrupted.

it. But, you know, I'll be quiet now. Okay. There's just something in the air tonight. All right, Layla, that's one way to do it. Layla. Okay, welcome, welcome back. It's been a while since you've been on this show.

It's been about a year, right? I think it's been two years now. There you go. How's life been going? If I remember correctly, you lived in Ohio. Yes, yes. I still kind of live there, but I'm more like a vagabond. Is that what it's called?

It's called Vagicil. Vagabond. Vagicil with an S. What do you think that means? I think it's vagacil. I think I meant to say vagabond. Yeah. But I made it sound like vagina and bondage.

But it just means I don't have a home. Okay. What's your living situation then? I go where the shows are, so I just travel as many places I can, doing as many shows as I can. And then when I am in Ohio, I'm staying at my mom's house. Shut out.

So where do you stay when you're, say, here? You have, like, friends? I'm at an Airbnb. All right. That's better than 90% of tonight's bucket pool. So that's fantastic. Where do you get the money to do things like that? Do you have a job?

I have, yeah. Yeah. It's a... That's a yes. You know how OnlyFans does. those specials now? Yep. Dr. Phil does.

I mean, I've heard of that. Dr. Phil. My mustache is going to fall. Mustache, holding on by a threat over here. So, Laila, you're on only fans. Yes. Okay. What do you do on only fans?

Oh, God. What types of things do you do? One of the panelists, I'm not going to say who, but they want to know if there's perhaps some picks of your feet on there. No, I'm actually... I'm not going to name any names, but... No, I'm really insecure about my feet. Those aren't depicted.

Oh, wow. Makes it hotter. Red band. Red band. That is disgusting. He said it makes it hotter. because she's embarrassed about her feet. Greg, Texas.

Greg, does it make it hotter? More layers, the better. I like fucking Eskimos. Wow, okay. So, Layla, what exactly are you doing on OnlyFans? It started out very wholesome. It always does. I would post, like, stand-up clips.

You know, like, I would just run jokes by OnlyFans. and then if it was getting laughing faces and people liked it, I got the confidence to put it on Instagram but I would just post stand-up clips and then they'd be like, get your tits out, if you're not doing anal, we won't listen. Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that.

But I didn't, it doesn't mean I didn't mean it, but I take it back because you're very funny live in the flesh. For real. Thanks. What a weird thing to do to workshop your jokes on a porn side? No, I know.

I've always thought it's so weird that Only fans wanted to rebrand because, you know, they want to do like a sports channel. They want to get out of the porn business and they have a cooking channel because, you know, whenever you want to learn how to marinate a steak, you get a porn hub, right? So I think it's...

Yeah, if you want to make some balanets, you go to a homeless shelter. Chicken ballonaze. Delicious. Do you have a QR code or anything? So is it just your stand-up on Only fans? It really started that way. I was getting so discouraged.

Every comedy post I would make, they just really wanted me to take my clothes off. And you're surprised by this. I was surprised. I was like, oh, it's a comedy only fan. So what is it now? Answer the question, like, what is it now? What does it become?

Like, what are you doing right now on that? Speak, just tell us. What are you doing on there right now? If we went on there right now and paid, what would we see? You're like... What has it evolved to? So now I have taken my clothes off. I haven't spread anything, though.

It doesn't... The flower hasn't blossomed. Okay. I'm so uncomfortable. Why? It's your life. You're the one on it. You're actually about to make vast sums of money now that you're talking about your only fans on the show.

I know. I am extremely blessed. It's the reason I can afford to go places and get Airbnb's and not have to sleep on couches every night. So I am very blessed, but I'm just not like a real, like, sexy energy. Are you shaved?

Red band. Red band. You can't ask female comedians questions like that. We're giving these people the opportunity of a lifetime and this show is built to give people a chance to live their dreams. Are you shaved? No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. It's a thing we do.

Anyway. They have requested that I keep a blush. Wow, look at that. Who's they? The cast of fucking space jam? I don't know. I feel like it's going to be you and Sal after this. Well, no, I'm happily married, but I appreciate the thought.

I do like your sweater. Let me ask you this. Do they ask you, do they ask you something so weird that you're like, I can't even do that? it all pretty hunky dory? Um, I, yeah. I mean, I have gotten requested to, like, if I could, like, jerk off a dildo with my feet and stuff.

And I'm like, it doesn't even have skin to move. How am I going to... Again, when I wrote that, I thought that I was being playful and... Jovial. Jovial's the word. I'm looking for, yeah. But, you know, you take 100% of the shots, you don't... What is it, Gretzky?

Yeah. You miss 100% of the shots. We're moving on, Sal. Yes. So you were like on Only fans and you were like, oh, you know, I have to check, it's either 13 or 14, I have to check my wrists. And they were like,

jerk off a dildo with your feet. Yeah, yeah. No, it's for real. When I was contracted with OnlyFans, part of the contract was you had to go live twice a month. And so then it would just be me talking about, like, how comedy's going in my life. and then one day I was kind of sad and I was like

guys I'm kind of sad today and then they're like so do you do customs and it's just it's a lot they don't give a fuck it's a joke to try to do anything other than sex stuff on only fans they're not going to have me back after this I think I think you're going to be just fine

I disagree I think you've up the ante you said you haven't spread your wings and then you said yet is there is there a date we're all looking forward to is there a big payoff I don't want to say I don't want to say I'll never do anything

because I've already done way more than I ever thought I would. Like what? We know what you haven't done. You haven't spread it. Yeah. But what have you done? What could someone, let's say, one of the millions of people watching this,

what have you done? It's a fair question. Let me remind you, you could have gotten a fucking job like everybody else did, but you wanted to take the evening. easiest possible route, which is posting clips of your stand-up on only fans. You signed a deal, and things got a little wild after you started reading what people were writing you.

Yeah. So what's the most extreme thing you've done? Oh, my God. It's really not bad. It's a one time I was just wearing a nice dress, you know? It's a fully nice dress, much like the lady's here. Slow. And I was.

And then. Don't pay any attention to the fucking weble in the corner. Yeah. Go ahead. I rolled a blunt on my bed, kind of bending over. And then once the blunt was rolled, I put a big jacket on, and I went outside to smoke it because it was cold outside. And then I went back in my room, and then I took the jacket off,

and then I took everything off. You've been the blunt paper off the weed? And then I kind of just like rolled around on my bed like, oh, does this look sexy? And then I... This was the stand-up? Oh, this was the... How much did people throw at you for that? Because that's, I mean, good on you, by the way.

Yeah. People want to pay and, you know, you got to give it, you know, it's... You're... But I support taking advantage of perverts, you know? Yeah. So good on. Well, yeah, I mean, it's literally the reason why I'm able to, like, get better at stand-up and stuff.

I can wake up and write and then hit mics every night, do shows as much as I can, and don't have to worry about money. So I'm using it to chase my passion. And you just have to go live twice a month? Is that the... When I was on the contract. I'm not on the contract anymore, so I can post as little or as much as I want. How often is that?

Right now I post like twice a month. Okay. All right. It ranges from like 30 to 35 for a post. You're not. Are you on there? I'm scared. So do you have like an only fan's name or is it your name?

It's me. It's my name, yeah. Wow. No alias. Right. Yeah. For those of you watching the show, that's L-E-Y-L-A-I-N-G-A-L-S. We're trying to get you some money here.

I appreciate it. It is a mind fuck to me because for about a year now, I've been in the top 0.51% of all content creators on OnlyFes. fans. And it freaks me out because it's like me and then the top porn stars and they like are doing anal and stuff. That's overrated. You'll get there. We support small business here too. Red band getting awfully chatty on this bucket pool. You're going to invite her to the secret show or are you going to pretend like you're shy about it over here? I already know from her only fan bot that she's out of town Thursday. So next time.

Is that true? I am out of town on Thursday. Oh my God. Well, hey, I've got an idea. Oh, Dr. Phil. Well, a good friend of mine, Adam Ray, Jew, is going to be here headlining the mothership this weekend. You want to do a guest spot on one of the shows?

Oh, my God, I would love to. There you go. Wow. Look at that. Layla, Engels. Wait, she just said she's not in town. Not in town. The bot doesn't lie.

What day? March 31st, 2039. No, this, February 6th or 7th? That's this weekend? Is it Friday, Saturday? Yeah. Okay, well, I was gonna, I'm just in Houston on Thursday. I'm co-headlining the riot, but I will come back and be here.

Yeah, one of those just a... There you go. Message, yeah, we'll figure it out. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. Wow. Dr. Phil's going to get a little Instagram DM tonight. I hope it goes to the actual.

Dr. Phil. Like, hey, can I still do guest spots this weekend? You're like, what the hell? What is this girl? Robin, I swear I don't know the woman in the sweater. You know how I'm allergic to wool? Layla Fun Times. There she goes. Layla Ingalls, everybody. What an episode. We started with William Montgomery. We had the great Dedrick Flynn. Ari Maddie is in Estonia being the celebrity, biggest celebrity in the history of his country. So you must be asking yourself, how do you close an episode that starts with William Montgomery?

Has three of the funniest comedians in the world on the panel. And I think there's only one option. This young buck came on the show, won a golden ticket, and then took over. Just complete full control. became one of the most intimidating forces in the history of the show, so much so that I let him do whatever he wants.

It's been a while since he's been on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the one and only, Timmy No Breaks. Big Pop in the beginning, listen, a lot of people have been saying, Timmy No Jokes this, Timmy No Jokes that I know. I can write jokes, so I wrote a few jokes.

So I wrote a few jokes for you guys. I have a lot of nervous energy. But stand-up has given me a lot of confidence. Because sometimes after I get off stage, people come up to me and say, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B-cups. Don't you fucking dumb-ass retards? That's pretty fucking easy.

He's another one. Sam J, ladies and gentlemen, She's a black lesbo, which means she doesn't eat pussy. She all hell knows on it. Relinquishment time. What the fuck? Wow.

What's up gay guys? How we doing, everybody? We're good? Timmy, motherfucking no breaks. Absolutely incredible. Oh, thank you. That, I recognize some of that material. Well, yeah, Tony, it was a cover.

I mean, what are you talking about? In music, we do covers. I do a lot of music now. I'm not just a comedian, so it's totally normal to do covers. The number one comedy album on iTunes. I am the number one comedy album on iTunes, but if you have an iPod shuffle, you're probably bumping that shit all the time.

I bet you love my shit. Yep. Make some noise from my fucking album, you retards. There he is. No mercy, no breaks. Thank you. only person that we should actually buckle up for. I totally agree.

I totally agree with that. Thank you. Timmy, unbelievable. Oh, look at this guy. Is this Dr. Phil? Yeah. What's up, player? Hey. Timmy, good to see you. It's good to see you too.

What kind of doctor are you? Well, that's a personal question, but if you follow me on Facebook, I'll give you a couple of responses. It might direct you towards what I have, uh... You know, I haven't been practicing for quite some time, Tim. But originally it was a psychofuscary. and then just social work stuff okay just kind of a lot of parenting oh so you're not a gynecologist you're fucking gay you're gay that's fucking gay little fun fact for you

that you got way big a pop what the fuck is going on i call him gay i have seen a i've seen a couple vaginas your wife's right you saw your wife and uh you know every fourth of july we try to spice things up she brings a friend I'm going to be over. Usually somebody I follow on OnlyFans. Anyways, what else is going on, Tom? I was just gonna say a little fun fact for you kill Tony, diehard fans out there. This is the first time in which Timmy No Break's and Dr. Phil or any form of Dr. Phil have ever been on the same show at the same time.

This is quite the eclipse. Very good. Yeah. It's like the traveling willberries or something like that. Two all-time grades all of a sudden, wait a second. What is that? What are you talking? I mean, it grills.

I'm doing good, town. I mean. You have a grill now, too? Yeah, I'm making money. I'm doing good. I got a fucking entourage now. It's pretty good. You want to meet them?

Yeah. Yeah, guys, come on that. You have an entourage? I got a fucking entourage. Oh, my goodness. Holy. Whoa. Yeah, give me off my fucking entourage, everybody.

Oh my God. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Give it up for my fucking entourage. This is Lledainty. He's my weed roller. This is Lusweequel.

He yells at waiters for me. This is my driver. I don't know who the fuck that guy is, but... This one's Johnny Drama. Everyone's black, except for that one... No, he's black. That it... This is a black man.

What are you fucking talk? That Asian guy? Yeah. What does he do? Teach English in Atlanta? Is that call back? I don't know what that was. Yeah.

Well, anyways, we wanted to do a quick rap if that's okay. Okay. I want you guys to hold off on doing any of the music, but I'm just going to start with a little bit of acapella. So here we go. Okay. Acapella. Timmy, no breaks, who is obviously black now. Oh.

He brought his own microphone. Is that, is that... Shut the fuck up, Toll. I sound like Morgan J and tone is really, really nigger. What the fuck was it? Get the fuck out of here, guys.

Tom, I'm sorry, that's crazy. You never can say the M word, Tom. But Jesus Christ, that was intense. I thought that was hilarious. Well, now I don't have an entourage. You need a fucking entourage. She wants to be a part of my entourage. This guy, that black guy right there.

Alright, I'm coming over there. Sorry, Tony, I gotta head over there. Give me a sec. Hey, John Deese. Play the key. There's no black guy over there. Hit me with a spotlight. Take of those keys, John.

This guy is not fucking black. This guy's not black. I can't see shit, everybody looks fucking black, all right? Look, do you still want to be in my entourage? Yes, I do. Okay, let's see if you can think on your feet. Do you think we should defund the police? We shouldn't.

Let's get the camera to come in here. Focus on his fantasy. Man, can you stand right here? Now, we should defund. Can you sing him as Miranda rights? I'd have to read it. I'd have to read it off a card because I didn't go to college. Put this guy in the fuck.

Should have shot them. Can you read this? Timmy, stand on the other side of him so it's framed properly. Oh, yeah. Timmy here. Push in. Get on his face. Thanks for the suggestion tone.

Now, Sean Thaw is with a song. And the only person that can sing a song with Timmy, no breaks, is Redbit. Just fucking kidding. It's Dr. Phil. You can wipe your head, your back, you're pushing your breath. One more time for Timmy, no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. His entourage, Dr. Phil, everybody, who is theater tour. Get tickets at Adam Raycom.com.

He's going to Australia, Canada, and all around America. One more time for Dr. Phil. Great Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen, going to Philly, Lexington, Houston by TZ Dogg. Dogg.com for tickets. And then one more time for the great Sal Volcano, everybody. He's going to Nashville, Tennessee. Salvolcano Comedy.com is podcast Manus.

And new episodes of the Embragical Jokers every Thursday on TBS. We're going to the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California, a large state-of-the-art arena to make our return back to where Kiltony started in L.A. How exciting is that? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? On iTunes and Spotify. We love you guys. But times tonight.

Do you guys have a good time? Good night, everybody.