KILL TONY - #756 - JIM NORTON + IAN FIDANCE

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

Jim Norton, Ian Fidance, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery,Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED–02/09/2026 Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/killtony 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it FOR FREE at https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony. Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. It's right.

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You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Every single week, I book two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is the return of two of our favorite guests of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the best stand-ups working today. Jim Norton and Ian Bidance, everybody. Absolutely perfect. Jim Norton's special Unconceivable is on YouTube. His podcast Can't Save You is available everywhere.

Jim, welcome back. Thanks, Tony. Thanks for a nice applause from the audience. That was very encouraging. Yeah. Yeah, they love you. They love you. Ian Fydance is back, everybody.

It's got a new travel show called Ian Bu. An odd guy doing odd jobs at YouTube.com slash Ian Fightance Comedy and IanFidance.com for touring. Jim Norton Comedy to watch his special Unconceivable on YouTube. And if you haven't watched it, I highly recommend watching it right after this. Thank you. After this episode. You guys have both done the show multiple, multiple times before.

Very exciting stuff. You guys know how it works. about 300 insane people. Sometimes it's a calm person that's just ready to absolutely make the most of the opportunity that they're given. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them if they go over their time. And then I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. Absolutely anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, we're gonna start it with a bang. Normally, this is how you end an episode, but tonight this is how you start an episode with the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances all time on this show, the most interviews. Tonight we get started with a man

that some people call the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the San Antonio service assistant. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Did you all see this? email where Jeffrey Epstein's assistant asked him if they should invite Brian Reichel to the next big island party? Epstein replied, hell no, red man might frighten the kids.

In Orlando, man was arrested for indecent exposure after neighbors saw him having sex with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his arrest, the man said, my balls are gone. I got banned from Antiques Road Show for issuing death threats after they refused to appraise my vintage bong collection. Catchers carved in pink ivory, you pompous prick. I read where Apex Twin now had more monthly listeners on YouTube than Taylor Swift. My only question is, which twin is it? Okay, that's my time. Tony.

William Montgomery, getting us started. I did not see Red Band's name on the Epstein list. That's all news to me. Yes, he was on there. You've got to really dig through it. A lot of people might have looked up Brian Redby. No, look up Brian Reichel. Stuff starts popping up.

when you actually put his actual name in Brian Reichel. Wow. Yes. Look at that. Now, you guys have seen William before. Sure. This is him starting the episode. It's a real jolt of the system.

And did you all know, Brian, I don't know if y'all, people probably saw pictures, but they had that weird kind of trap door into the ocean. That was actually Brian Reichel's idea according, because they would get rid of all the little girls after they killed them and then put them in the ocean through that trap door. And that was Brian Reichel's idea. I think that was an interesting idea. Ryan. Wow. Well, it's easy to make fun of Jeff Epstein, but there really are two sides to every story.

That is so true. It is so true. Now, you are still obsessed with Apex Twin, William, Montgomery. Yes, still been listening to a bunch of Apex Twin, playing my vampire Survivors game on the Nintendo Switch 2. I've been playing that. I've been doing the row machine, and please come see me on the road. I'm now dealing with something from the company called Combs, where it's just, I see a bunch of people. I see a bunch of people. people out there and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, this will be great. Then it's 5,000 of them are comps and free. So please come see me on the road. Right. It turns to this big nightmare. I never had to deal with that before, Doty.

You've probably been dealing with it and you just found out about it. Yeah, maybe I just discovered it was happening. You should tap into Red Band and get access to Epstein's email list. I know. I need to. I need to. What would y'all do, right, band? Would you all put weights on the little girls when y'all put them in the ocean?

because that's what I, that's the part I didn't understand. I think you put a body through the fucking floor of the house or whatever. It goes into the ocean. What, did you put weights on the bodies or how'd you do it? I don't know. I have people doing that kind of stuff for me. Oh, okay. He doesn't do that.

The people in the Illuminati, they just watch the show. Yeah, he would pull his back out or something, lifting up those little bodies. I know, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. If you soak the diapers, it does weigh them down. Ah, look at that. Indeed, pull-ups can turn into pull-downs real quick. That is amazing.

Jim Norton knows his stuff. I should have known if there's anybody that specializes in drowning babies, it would be you. Oh, everybody's Jeff Epstein, Jeff Epstein. Hey, it was not a bad guy. Guy knows out a party. I love it. William, you also mentioned your bong collection during this set. I love the words bong collection written down here.

What kind of bonds do you have? How many bonged do you have? How many bongs do you? I have, my favorite is a purple abalone bong. It has some little diamond-looking things. I think Swavarski crystals on it. I think that's probably my favorite, the one with Swavarski crystals. I also have this really nice tangerine.

I think it's a, I don't know what kind of rock it is, but it's a nice tangerine one. I also have one that was a little amethyst. It looks like a little mushroom amethyst. That's a really good one. Wow. What do you like to do after you smoke bongs? Shit, Tony, well, I need to be careful because I have all the plaque in my carotid artery now,

which is very scary. That's why I've been doing the row machine, but I've been eating a bunch of vanilla ice cream again. I just eat it with chocolate chips. I get the little chocolate chips in the freezer, the mini ones, and I just put it all over the ice cream, and I just eat that. I used to suck on the ice cream when I'm doing it and really enjoy it. Now I just eat bites of the ice cream with chocolate things on them. So I've been pigging out big time, Tony.

That's why I have to do the row machine. I feel like if I'm rowing 20,000 meters in a day, I'm allowed to eat a buck bunch of ice cream at night, so. I don't know what's real. Yeah. He is a wild boy. It's a wild way to start the show, because William is kind of like a mythical creature.

Almost all of it is untrue, but it's very entertaining. Normally on this show, I implore people. You know, talk about your real life. Talk about the truth. William is one of the extremely rare exceptions. Real life is way too depressing, so. Oh.

Oh. Are you going to take that, William? Red Ben's been holding back the whole time, and then he drops a bomb out of nowhere. Yeah, no, he's kind of right. So no, I'm just saying. He's sadly a little right on that, so, but it's okay. I'm working on it.

Well, William, super amazing. You're super silly. Everybody loves you, and it's a great way to start the damn show. So nice to be here, Tony. Is there anything you're passionate about this week? Just that motherfucker vanilla ice cream, Tony! We love it. William Lights Out Montgomery

has struck again. And now we rotate over to the mystical bucket of destiny where absolutely anything can happen. This is where we meet people. This is where the crazy shit happens. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night

goes by the name of Zachariah Tourette's Tippett. Here we go. What's good, everybody? So my name is Zachariah Tippett. I have this cool thing called Tourette Syndrome. And tonight, fuck, y'all need to know that children are mean. Fuck. I used to explain Tourette syndrome as sort of a superpower.

And then one kid stood up and yelled, What makes you think you to be a superhero? Fuck. You can't even win a game of hide and seek. Fuck. They emote it on me. So after a few triple H moves later. Fuck.

I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. Fuck. Now I'm a Walmart greeter. Welcome. Fuck you. Thank you, everybody. Fuck yeah. 50 seconds of Zachariah Tourette's tip it to start our bucket pools tonight.

Welcome to the show, Zachariah. How long you've been doing stand-up? Talking to that mic right there. I've been doing stand-up since October, 2021. Have you been on the show before? I have. I think of about three or four times. Okay.

I somehow don't remember you. You had Tourette... You had Tourette's then, too? Yep. Still disabled. Wow. Amazing. Do the words ever change?

Yes, they do. The first time I actually ever came on, you were really excited. We talked about the time I yielded. the N-word. Oh, I love that. I'm from St. Louis, so. Oh, my goodness.

I mean, I guess they have to give you the pass, right? Gold card, baby. But you've had to explain where black people were around when you did that, when you said the N-word. Does talking about saying the N-word kind of make your Tourette's want to say the N-word right now? One letter comes after M.

So wait a minute. So if I tell people I have Tourette's, I can watch a football game at a bar again. I got an R-word pass somewhere. Wow. So yeah, so were there black people around when you drop the N-word in St. Louis? Oh yeah.

I got beat up a lot. And then one day, our principal showed us a movie, front of the class, which is about a teacher with Tourette syndrome. And then everyone went, oh, he's not racist, he's just a, you know, a little disabled. Amazing. Must be great for dating, though, if you meet a girl, do you want to fuck, go eat?

You're getting it right out of the way. You'd be surprised, but moms love this. Amazing. So give us another example of a time in which your Tourette's has caused a wild situation for you. I yelled a four-letter word, my first time flying at an airport, that rhymes with mom. Wait, what? Bomb? Oh, shit.

So it's kind of like, is it kind of like whatever you shouldn't say in that situation? If you think about it, that's what you say? In a nutshell, there's a lot more

to explaining, but we don't have the time for that. Right. Wow. So if you're eating a pussy and it really smells and you yell roses, she knows her pussy stinks.

No, I just go with the ass and say, you're next. Oh, hell yeah. Yo, my man. Fuck, yeah. Man be eating that ass. Hell yeah. Fuck, fuck, lick, lick.

He'll go anywhere. I love it. I love it. So, Zachariah, do you have a job? What do you do for work? How do you make money? I actually do content creating full-time, Tut-Talk, YouTube, et cetera, and stream.

And then I have a part-time weekend job at Chili's. Really? Which location is this chili? Oh, my God. There's going to be a line around the fucking block for people to go to fuck chilies. We'll have to find out next episode. They didn't pay me to advertise this.

Okay. They will retroactively give you money. I swear to God that Chili's will be out of control. It's here in Austin? San Antonio. Okay. Everyone is going to go to every Chili's in San Antonio until we figure what the fuck is going on.

I absolutely love this. So obviously you have this when you're serving customers. So, for example, let's say there's Asian customers. Is there any chance that the Asian C word comes to the front of your brain? I actually could, so I'm the reason why you have to wait 20 minutes because I flipped your food off. Oh, amazing. You're not working front of house. No.

Damn. I think that's what everybody wanted. That's what everybody pictured. What if we pay you extra? No offense, but I don't want you making my food either. Yeah. Hachoo! Back, man.

But now you can know that bar now. Oh, my God. It's amazing. How long you've been cooking at Chili's? I've been there probably about a year. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So do you get a little... It's physical, too, right? You get a little twitchy. You do. Yep, doing the worm. So sometimes you literally... You really probably do like mess up cooking and you have to restart and stuff?

Yes. Okay. What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun when you're not cooking or doing stand-up comedy? Mostly, I... Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, brother, my man, fuck!

Yep, that makes... My man be fucking! That makes five of us. We all like the fuck. And secondly, I mostly just made content at home. Like, I'm usually on TikTok a lot about answering Questions about...

You really do put the tick in TikTok. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Amazing. Respectfully. This is incredible. Word. Yeah. Do you have words that cover up other words?

Like, I've heard a guy with Tourette's, like, when they want to yell, so they're like, Nichols! Nichols! And there's other replacement words that you train yourself? So that is sort of a manipulation you can do. Mine wasn't a verbal. Mine was... So that's why you kind of see half of my face doing that instead of...

full. He's driving like that's a game. Yeah. You always look like you're flirting. Yeah, winking and saying fuck and be taken... You're in a rest area? This is incredible.

So I wear the shirts so that's... That's smart. That is very smart. Let people know. Let those people... Humans. Yes. Of all colors and sizes. Everyone. When you were a baby, did you do like baby words?

Like apple juice or something like that instead? No, mine didn't develop until around eight years old. Was there something that happened to you around that time in which this happens? Sat on your uncle's lap perhaps or something like that? No, tits just normally developed between five to ten years old. Got it, got it. Very, very interesting. and have you, is there like meetup groups?

Is there a place where a bunch of people with Tourette's get together? Because I want to go. Tirets Khan. I want to go real bad. Tretz Khan. Blend in. Really? Yep. Imagine a hundred people doing this.

Oh, my God. And have you been to that before? I have not. It's mostly in the U.K., but they just started doing it over here in Texas and Dallas. I think last year was the first. Hundreds of you together ticking, sounding like little minions together. We'd congregate. Are there guys even in your group who you're like, wow, this guy's a fucking asshole?

Mostly the UK people have more of the verbal, like sentences, like, I'm going to punch you in the pussy. Like something random. I just have the one verbal tits, so mine's like mid-tier disabled. In a sense, they have the cooler Tourette's to me, but I'll settle. I love that. And so they have meet-up groups, and there's one in Dallas. And why did you not go to that? It seems like, you know, is a TikTok-tick-tickr

that you should, that you would be there? It's more, it's not free to go to, so it is kind of like expensive. So that was the only reason why I couldn't go. That's fucked up. Yeah, you have to have fuck you money to be able to... Yeah, to be able to do it. How much, I'm just curious,

how much does it cost to go to Touretta Khan? It's a few hundred. to go there. And plus, that's not including, like, travel and staying. It's a Tourette's con job. That's fucking bullshit, dude. It's just Comic Con for disabled people, so. Do they have a non-Turrette's person

make the reservation? That's above my disabled level to know. Because I imagine the hotel wouldn't really, you know. No. Not unless you're entertainment or Billy Eilish, so. Are there, like, are there, like, are there, like, do you guys, like, fuck with each other? Because it's, I imagine, like, finding someone is hard.

So if you link up with, like, a hot Tourette's That must just be like... Oh yeah, we both drink Red Bulls and we're vibrators. What's dating like? I mean, can you take us through it? It's mostly, I guess, just like everyone else, just a little bit louder, so... That's basically the best generic answer I can give.

Are you like Amy Polar and Deuce Bigelow? What is she like in that movie? That's been 29 years, so you'll have to catch the people up there. What did you watch it today? Broch Schneider. Come on. Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while.

What does her character do? When she, he takes her to a baseball game so her Tourette's helps her, like, heckle the other team? Ah, got it. I can't be the only one that likes Gilles Bigelow. Hey, she likes Stella in Streetcar Name Desire? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you. Zachariah, a very fun set, an amazing interview.

Here's a big joke book coming. at you. Boom. There you go. Zachariah Tourette's Tippett. Torettes is in the name. So if you're wondering why eight minutes of the interview had to do with Touretz, it's in his name. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Her podcast, Love on the Line is available at Heidiregina.com. This podcast is sponsored by Quo. 2026 is the year your business stops acting like a game of telephone gone wrong. Scattered messages, missed calls, and Who's handling this? Shouldn't be a daily ritual.

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clear picture of your health today and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. And on we go, ladies and gentlemen, to your second bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Quentin Jones, everybody. Here comes Quentin. Happy New Year, everybody. Since it's a new year, I decided I make new rules for myself. My newest rule is I decided I'm gonna stop dating women with cats. Yeah, it's tough because I don't know if y'all knew this,

but women with cats are the biggest holes out here. And it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her. Like my ex used to have a cat, and it's weird because I'm trying to be a good guy, but clearly she loves abuse. Because like every time she would feed her cat,

her cat would just beat her ass. I'm like, God damn. I'm like, damn, I want her to cook for me, so I figure if I want some food, I gotta keep it even with the cat. I didn't hit her, but what I did do was gaslight her and knock shit over from time to time. And it's not for the best reasons, not because I hate cats, not because I hate cat women, I'm just allergic.

Yeah, and I don't think women respect how hard it is to have sex on Benadryl. That's my time, y'all, Quentin Jones. Quentin Jones. Welcome, Quentin. Is this your first time on the show? No, it's my second time. Second time.

Second time up here, man. Welcome back. Tell people, why is it hard? I don't know. I've never taken Benadryl. Because you get sleepy. Oh, okay. Yeah, so it's like you on the clock

when you take that Benadryl. You know what I'm saying? So literally one time I was with my ex and, you know, I took the Benadryl and it just kicked in like too soon and... You fell asleep on top of her? No, and her crots, even worse. Wow.

Yeah. So I was... I woke up and she was gone. It was just her cat looking at me in the face. Got it. Amazing. Yeah, man. Jim Norton?

I was, I'm so happy when they said your name. I was like, oh, no, Questlove has AIDS. Damn it, I had a feeling that was gonna bomb. Not as bad as my deuce Bigelow line. No, but at least yours wasn't topical. Mine was topical. Quentin, how old. How are you?

34. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up seven years. Seven years, and how do you make money? How do I make money? I don't at the moment. How are you surviving? So I used to work in tech last time we talked about me working in tech, but since I got laid off,

so I'm just living off of savings and... How much do you have saved exactly? It's a question I'd love to ask on this show. In fact, I don't ask it enough. This is the only show I think in all of entertainment, where that question ever was ever. where that question ever gets asked, and I find it to be the most compelling goddamn question out there,

because everybody can relate. No wonder he hates. How much do you think I have, Tony? I would guess $7,000. $7,000. Okay, double it. Okay. Yeah, I got about 14K saved up.

14K. 14K. I love it. So give us an example of, you know, your seven years in the comedy. There's a lot of ways to, you know, save money and be thrifty. Yeah.

Let's have a little segment called Getting Thrifty with Quentin Jones. Getting Thrifty with Quentin Jones. Can I get a song for it? How are you extending your money? How do I extend my money? So the funniest way right now is I eat less. Oh, look at that. You hear this, Red Band?

Don't. Yeah. So since being unemployed, I've actually lost 50 pounds. Oh, very nice. That's great. I was wondering what happened after you left the roots. Yeah, you know. I had to do the old-fashioned, but I couldn't afford

Osimpic, no insurance anymore. Yeah. But yeah, I notice whenever I say I'd like lose 50 pounds, people don't clap, and I know why. It's because I used to be over 300 pounds. And when you're over 300 pounds, it lose 50 pounds, it just looks like you took one good shit. So.

Wow. But so I eat less. I walk more. So I do a lot of cardio. I actually started like a fitness page where I run like half marathons called Q Don't Stop. So if you guys want to see my fat-ass run, you can follow me there. Okay.

Ian, is there something you wanted to say there? Do you walk more because you can't afford a car? I can afford the car. I can't afford all the other shit that goes with the car. Gas and whatnot. Registration, insurance. Ah, the stuff that the police asked people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that I definitely have.

These jokes. Okay, so you're not driving that much. And what's your plan to get ahead and start making? money here. You know. How much is rent a month? So my rent is $1,100.

Okay, that's low. You have roommates? No. You live by yourself and are $1,100 a month. I do. Is that a studio? One bedroom. Okay.

Yeah, rent in Austin's going down. Is it far away from downtown? Two miles. So I walk here a lot. Like, if I have spots, I literally walk here. I love it. Yeah. Okay.

All right. So you have, that means that you have about You know, a year. A year. Six months. Until you run out of money. So what's the plan? What are you good at?

What am I good at? I am still good at tech. So like AI is just killing like a lot of our jobs. So I'm learning how to use AI to get back into tech. Hopefully something happens with stand-up comedy. This is my dream. This is what I want to do. I don't want to go back to tech.

Or, you know, my fitness page blows up. And because there's a lot of people who have pages who just make money running and just working out. So those are my three. That's what I want to have happen. Got it. Your writing is very good. I like the whole thing was linear.

It was like all about the same thing. The writing was... Oh, thank you. I appreciate that, especially from you. I'm a big fan. Thank you. Yeah. Hell yeah.

So other than cats, what's your love life like? What's my love life? Um, right now not very good. I actually got more pussy when I was fat. I don't understand. Ah, interesting. I don't either. Yeah.

Um, yeah. So, um, I was dating somebody last year till about November, and I broke up just because of the the distance because of the gas. And so I just been kind of... What's your type? What type of thick white women are you into? Oh, no.

See, I'm from Detroit. That's the Texas black guy thing. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Detroit, you're into real black women. Yeah, I'm in the real black woman. You know, give me about 5-7, 150 to 190. That's the type.

Is that their credit score that you're talking about? Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. So your last black girl, how long has it been since you had one of those? What, you said my last black one? Yeah, last time you hooked up with a black woman. That was the girl I broke up with.

Okay, why did you break up with her? Like I said, the distance, you know, and, yeah. Just distance. Where was she at? She's in Dallas. I mean, you could have gone up there for the Tourette's convention. Yeah. Very expensive. Yeah, did you talk to the Tourette's guy back there?

Did he say anything? I tried. He stuttered. Yeah. He was fighting his life. They're not used to seeing black people here. He was like, blah, blah, binnig. That's what you said actually. You're really funny.

Thank you. I appreciate that, man. So Quentin, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life that we would find interesting. That's always a tough one, Tony. Last time we talked about you being a college cheerleader. And yeah, I was here with Shane Gillis, and, you know, we talked about that.

Yeah. I like to play. I like to play board games. I'm a really big nerd. Oh, what kind of board games? So literally before I got called up, we were playing Settlers of Katan next door. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I started a board game group with some friends because it's just like there's not a lot of board game groups where I feel like I fit in.

So I just went and started my own. That's amazing. Yeah. And how do people find your fitness contact? So it's Q Don't Stop. That's my fitness run page on TikTok and Instagram. There you go. Quinton Jones, everybody.

Fun times, Quentin. Congratulations. Good set, fun interview. Here's a big joke book. Boom. There you go. All right. We're moving forward.

We're keeping it moving here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full goes by the name of C.J. Kaiserman, everyone. C.J. Kaiserman. Here he is.

You know what degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down when he sees your car pull up? You guys, too, huh? Yeah, having me on my way here. I pulled off on a phone. 5th Street and this homeless guy just ooh maybe homeless but they're not dumb I

rolled my window down tried giving him money he tried handing me a water bottle that's how bad it is for me seriously I drive a really old beat-up 2002 Honda Sierra V it's been rear-ended probably as many times as Tony yeah I'm also like dumb broke though like I won't even buy a Powerball ticket till it's at least at one billion. I'm going to risk five bucks for $20 million, you know? Like, what's that really going to do for me? Happy Black History Month, guys. For those who celebrate, not this guy, apparently. It's okay. It's still got like a week and a half left. All right, I'll just end it there. Thank you. Okay, C. J. Kiserman. Nothing really worked,

except for the thing about me. Do you do that at like open mics? Does that work for you out in public or when I'm not here? The homeless joke I start with usually does does better. It does better. Why do you think the homeless jokes didn't go good here tonight for you? Not a lot of homeless people in here. That makes sense. Normally, it works in front of the other homeless people. Yeah.

All right. How long have you been on stand-up, CJ? I did it for about a year back home. I've been pretty lazy since moving here. Where's back home? Spokane, Washington. And what made you lazy when you move to a place where comedy exists at more than one venue. I actually moved down here saying I'd do more comedy and then I just haven't really been signing up for more mics. I started a business, an online business,

and it sort of just took off, and I've been investing like all the time. What's the business? I sell football cards online. Football memorabilia cards. Sort of. It's super niche. It's called Breaking. If anybody's done.

Just keep explaining it. Keep explaining it. It's okay. Nobody knows what the fuck that is. No, nobody else is what I'm like. There's boxes of football cards, a Pokemon cards, whatever sports it is. And, you know, I buy a bunch of boxes,

and I sell the teams. So somebody buys a team, like the Cowboys, the Texans. And then you just get all the cards for your team out of the boxes. So instead of spending $400 on all the boxes, you're spending $20, $30 on your team, and you just, you know, get all the autograph cards and rare cards and rookie cards for that team.

Is that why you also have a haircut from 1992? Yeah, I came after. When that haircut was popular, Deuce Bigelow was in Pied. That's a huge bitch. Amazing. So CJ, what was it like growing up in Spokane? Not great.

It's kind of moved and moved here. It's cold up there. I got down here to avoid the snow and ice, and then we got that crazy week with it. But we have one comedy club, just the Spokane Comedy Club. And you guys have actually done Killet Tony there when you were touring years and years ago.

A long time ago. But yeah, there's like, you know, random bars and stuff. Kind of similar to here. Scene's not great, but the comedy club's okay. Two mics a week. How long have you been in Austin? Seven months. Seven months.

Yeah. And so you've just been buying boxes of cards and kind of organizing them and divvying them up and sending them off. Yeah, that's what we're going to call, yeah. How much money do you think you're making doing that? Give me a ballpark here. A lot. Like, can you just give us a guest estimate here?

What's a lot to you? You said 20 million couldn't possibly change anything in your life. I really don't like talking about how much I make. I made, I did 72K in sales last month. What? Wow. Yeah, but what is that profit? Yeah, how much your dollar?

Profits margin is about 40%. So it's like 25 to 30K profit. Okay. Yeah, it's like after. Are you kidding me? Hire the last guy. He's only got 14 grand to his name. Yeah.

I do need employees eventually, so we'll see. He'll cut down on shipping. He'll just walk for, Marks to somebody. Amazing. CJ, what's your love life like? Nothing going on there. I've been single for a while.

Have you been on any dates since you've been to Austin? Yeah, yeah, I've been on, I'm actually kind of talking to this girl right now. Where did you meet her at? At BJ's. It's a restaurant, guys. Yeah, okay.

It's a good sign. Yeah, I bet. They got some Tourette's chefs over there at BJ's. That's for sure. So you met her at BJs. You're just sitting at the bar having a drink? My friend and I went in for the Pizookies. $5 Pazookies on Tuesday.

What? Wow. Okay. Well, Red Band. He's got a new Tuesday plans. So Red Band would like that one. $5 Pazookies. What the fuck?

What's a Pizuki? It's a pizza, ice cream cookie. It's like a... Ooh. Wow. Normally you make those yourself. You could go to a place where it's made for you. It's in a skillet, too, right?

Oh, Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Okay, so you're there looking for Pizuki, and you end up getting... And she, yeah, she's just, she's our server. I was with my best friend, my roommate, Nick, and she just was coming over, and I was making her laugh a lot, cracking jokes and whatnot. What jokes were you doing there? Why don't we get some of your Pazuki jokes? Give us an example of one of the jokes that got you,

pussy at Pizzookies. I wish I could remember. I mean, I think she just liked me. She was laughing. I probably wasn't funny at all. She probably just liked me and was laughing.

That's probably right. I couldn't tell you what they were. It's a shame none of those girls were in this audience. Amazing. So you won her over and then what? You took her back to your place?

No. And she's like, why are there fucking football cards everywhere? That's cool. You live with your little brother. My room is just, is literally packed a football card. The roommate calls it the anti-hose room. It's bad.

I love it. But there you go. You're bringing your little piece of bazooki back there and then what happens. Do you tell her before she gets there? Like, there's a lot of car. Yeah. I gave her one. I said, before we go in here, it's going to look weird.

But no, I got our phone number at the restaurant. And then, like, at midnight, I texted her after we left. And then. Right after you left? Yeah. Very small. Yeah, yeah. Immediately.

What did you text her? I just, when I got home, I texted her, and then she was like, hey, I'm off at midnight if you want to hang out. And I was like, let's go. And we drove all over to Bucky's, like, right after she got work. Look at that. To Bastrop? Yeah, is that the one?

I'm new here, sorry. The one that way? Yes. Yeah, it's that way. Hey, you got it right. Yeah, yeah. No doubt about it. If you just, if you just walk 30 miles that way, you're going to land straight on Bucky's doorstep.

Yeah. Okay, I love that for a first date. You could learn a lot about somebody. Can you take us through what the first date of Buckees was like? She told me she's a biter, which... What? That's interesting. She hasn't bit me yet.

I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. Means your dick's not big enough. She told you she was a biter. You're just walking around Buckees and she drops that out of nowhere? No, this isn't the car. This is in the car. to Buckees. She told me like she gets over-stimulated and will like bite people. She's like gave like she gave me warning. She's like yeah if I get too over-stimulated and excited, I might bite you.

How old is she? 14. No, um, she, 22. How old are you? I'm 23. Okay. Yeah. So you get to Buckees, then what happens? Did you buy something? Would you buy a Buckees? I tried putting her on the fudge. You guys like Bucky's Fudge? I don't know why you keep asking them. Just focus on the answers to the question. Yes, red band likes fudge. Keep going. I tried to put her on Bucky's fudge. She did not want it.

And we ended up getting just some random snacks. She's black and so... Whoa, whoa, whoa. And you're like, you must like the fudge. Oh, so she's a bite-uh. Wow. This is amazing. I wouldn't have guessed that the girl you went for was a black girl. What does that mean? Is it the haircut?

Well, you're from Spokane where normally black people are, uh, you just put a cross on fire in their front yard. Spokane is a KKK hub. I know. I visit there every year. That's Idaho. That's Idaho, yeah. Okay, so you take her to Buckees, you offer the fudge, you just got some snacks, and then what, you take her back to your place?

No, I just dropped her off and that was it. Okay. Yeah. At her house? Yeah. Yeah. Get the fuck out. Have you hooked up walking from her?

But you hooked up with her sins then? No, no. We're taking things slowly, no. You didn't fuck a girl that let you take her to Buckees on the first thing? We both love Jesus. She hit you up after work, and you just took her to a day. big-ass gas station and then dropped her off at home?

He really is from Spokane. Wow. So it just fizzled out, just like you're set. Yeah. Just no real closing or anything. Well, that's my time. Thank you.

No, Tony, that was way more interesting than it said. Did she say anything at the end of this date when you dropped her off? Was there any, like, last words? Not besides the biting thing, no. When was this? This was November. We hung out today, guys.

What did you do today? We went to a chavron. Amazing. C.J. Fun times. You are leaving here with a medium black chokebook. C.J. Kiserman, everybody. some real characters so far let's keep it moving along see what happens next your next bucket pull goes by the name of Matt Banwart Matt Banwart everybody here he is I got two degrees and

four years in college brag I was always bad at school what I realized is instead of in order to take advanced classes you had to take arts appreciation a global perspective and a social diversity course and I realized there's a glitch in the scheduling software. By chance, dance appreciation, counted as all three. So I thought about it, and I was like, man, I could take feminism one, two, and three, or I could study how to be great at parties.

My friends hate it. They're like, Matt, you're cheating in your education. I was like, yeah, that's the point. I'm the one paying for it. I remember one day I walk in my roommate. He's, like, sitting on his desk. He's furious. He's, like, typing.

He's like, I have to a 10-page paper right now on fragile masculinity. And I was like, oh, boo-hoo. He was like, no, dude, you know what fragile masculinity is. That's when men are too afraid to be seen as a feminist. They put them through trials and tribulations, arbitrarily living lives of suffering. I was like, damn, that's tough. This is the mashed potato. This is what I've been doing all month.

I'm not even good at it. All right, that was my minute. Okay, Matt Banwart, doing a little lightning fast poetry about his college. That was fun. Okay, fun for you. Audible booze, just what I was hoping for. All right, Matt, here we are in the interview portion now. Took a lone walk, wasn't worth it.

What? Took a lone walk. Oh, during your set. Yeah, got it. Do one big one, not worth it. All right, Matt. We'll talk about that in just a second. So let's get into it, Matt. First of all, you guys have anything you want to say right off the gut? No.

Just you... It's very fair. Check in with Jim Norton. You seem a little nervous. Like, it happens sometimes, but you, you know, I get it. No, I have hand tremors. It's a medical condition. I shake all the time.

Oh, good way to humiliate both of us. Wow. So you didn't even give a fuck what was going on up here. You just always shake you like that. I'm always, yeah, I shake all the time. Should have come out with hot coffee. That would have been hilarious. They wouldn't let me bring the water on stage.

It was a hazard. Amazing. I didn't notice the hand. I thought the set was shaky without it. So Matt, let's talk about it. How long you've been doing stand-up? Ten years. Shut the fuck up, dude.

For the first time ever, I'm going to say, as an answer to that question, I don't believe you. Where have you been doing it for ten years? Can I just say real quick, D-Madness made such a noise I thought he could suddenly see. He audibly gas.

He gets loud. D-Madness does not like a lack of punchlines. He loves his role on this show. loves his job. He feels, I've been hanging out with DeMadness after the shows for the first like 20 minutes at Mitzie's right as soon as we're done. And I've learned especially recently more than ever. This guy literally is more in touch than anybody at all times. It's kind of wild. I'm not surprised, but it is so interesting. And so a fun fact, my point is that during the show,

what you guys can't hear or sometimes see is De Madness scoff. relentlessly when someone's not great. Just goddits, so. Underneath his breath, but we can hear it, but it's not loud enough for it to go to the mic. He said 10 years, Deep Madness went, oh, lull. It's a constant, it's like our own little background soundtrack. Not even mad.

We used to have Dee have his own mic, but it's like a little bit too much sometimes when I'm trying to dig someone out of an interview or something like that. that but but it's it's our we've we've learned that it's our own fun thing to have back there D madness have a hand for D madness everybody the backbone the absolute backbound which brings us back to Matt Banwar ten years where were you doing this these ten years at first three and a half were in Iowa and then Chicago and now here how long ago did you move here two almost a little over two years ago a little over two years. And you've been working at mics and stuff. You go up a lot. You perform a lot.

Yeah, I travel. I do mics. I do shows. Yeah. Do you have like a best joke you've ever written in 10 years that you could do for us, like a short little fucking banger? There must be something. Ten. Yeah, I can do something. Here he is. Doing something other than whatever the fuck that was. Just doing one joke for us, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Banwart. Give him a hand, everybody. 10 years. I don't know. I got to try. I don't trust guys

who climb rocks because they call it a climbing gym. That's not a gym. A gym is where people go to be hot, you know? No girls have been like, ooh, what's my dream man?

Stringing body? Massive wrists. No one's ever fantasized about girthy digits. You know what? We'll just end it there. This isn't going well. Okay.

So Matt, let's read the room. Let's jump. I've lost all inertia. Jim Norton? I mean, it's a rough goal. Like, I, I don't know that's, Very fair.

I understand. Like, after a bad set, it's car, because the audience loses a little bit of faith. It's common for all of us. So then you do another joke, and they're like, oh, this is not going to be good. In that case, they were right. But I empathize with you, and we've all been there. Just not for this long in a row. Matt, maybe there's something more that I can dig out of you about your real life here.

So let's go over it. How do you make money, Matt? You're not going to like this. Uh-oh. I do stand-up. You make a living doing stand-up. It's hard to believe, but yes. Okay, so like where do you do this at?

How? I just play the worst cities. I just did a run. I just did Tulsa, Wichita, Rogers, Arkansas. So let's take a one at a time, just because I'm curious because I've done this, right? I started headlining shows about whatever, 15 years ago or whatever. So I was in Tulsa, and I know that it's hard to sell tickets if no one knows who you are. So how do you sell tickets at Tulsa?

You do on a comedy club? Yeah, I do a lot of small rooms, a lot of like breweries stuff. But what I do is I make videos for every city I go to. So do like top spots to rip Sigs in Tulsa or like, it's like parody reviews. So you get there and then you make a video while you're there? No, I do it before. I do a lot of research at a time. I do like top spots take a drunk piss and people kind of find them relatable.

And usually I get the videos right. And then people are like, hey, we should go see this guy live. And the shows usually go better than this. Right. And there's like ballpark. How many people in these small rooms? I'm doing just like 50 to 70-seaters right now. And what do you sell tickets for?

What do you mean? How much do you sell tickets for? $20 a piece. $20 a piece. That's pretty standard, yeah. Pretty standard for someone that is a professional that can sell tickets. Yeah. Okay.

And the club takes a cut of that, right? Yeah. Right. So what do you think you walked? out of Tulsa with. Come on. You must admit it's an interesting question. I shouldn't have talked about college

because now I'm just doing an accounting class up here. You can just give us a ballpark. $500? Yeah, but I do it between like four shows, though, so I do like a full run. Okay, but you did one in Tulsa or four in Tulsa? I just did one in Tulsa. Okay, so then you have to drive to the next city, right?

Yeah. Okay. You are looking inside of his soul. This is interesting. I think for the people to hear. He's shaped. No, we did that last time. It's okay. This is every conversation I have with my parents. Oh, you've done this before. You were on the show before.

Yeah, it did way better last time. Oh, okay. I mean, the ceiling's pretty low right now. Let's be real here. The ceiling's the same height as it was last time you were. Very funny. Very funny. Okay. So, Matt, what's something interesting about your life that we don't know about you

before I let you go? I talked about college. I was a sorority president in college. All right. Yeah. How do you get that job? I was the president of the stand-up comedy club and you registered it as a sorority. And they never corrected it.

It was never checked. And the best part was our initials, stand-up comedy club, S-U-C-C, we were suckhouse. You still are. Yeah. Is that fair? Did you get a little jokebook last time you were on?

No, I got a big joke. You got a big one? Well, guess what, buddy? You're going the wrong direction. There goes Matt Banward, everybody. Let's get one more bucket pool up here. This looks like a new name. Makes some noise for Orhan Lomor, everybody.

Orhan. Here comes Orhan. Oh, yeah. How are you guys? It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Because he's more successful than me. I'm shit. I've never fucking done comedy. I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my life than...

right now. It's... Okay, they're laughing. I, like, I shat myself, it just went inside back in the other way. I can actually do stuff. I'm from Turkey. It's not a happy place, you know, the state motto is, if you're happy and you know it, give it back right now.

It doesn't look at it. But I was there for two years. Like, I lived in LA for a long time, then I moved back there, and then I came back here and I'm like in this time I've realized how to make America great again actually what you do is you go live in Turkey for two years

and then you come back and it's fucking spectacular again stop it dude this is gonna fucking go to my head now now it's the opposite now I think oh my God I will quit at the top

I don't want to do comedy again it's never gonna beat this it's good yeah Yeah, meow or whatever. There it is. Yeah, you got it. You got it. The laughter was so loud, you missed the meow.

I held off the bear because I wanted to see where you were going with it. Very funny. Orhan Limmer. Am I saying that right? Timmer. Okay. Talking to the mic there. I don't know how it works in Turkey, but...

There you go. Voice, voice only. Orhan, that was an unbelievably great set, just acknowledging the temperature of the room, having common sense. having common sense like a 10-year veteran would have. Uh, how long have you been doing stand-up orhuh? Nine years. Really? Oh, amazing. I thought you were doing a joke about how you've been doing it one year and then nine years, da-da-da-da-da-da.

But okay, that makes sense to nine years. Very funny. Thank you. I appreciate it. How much of that's in America? Uh, so like seven of it is America. Amazing. Two in Turkey. Where did you, where did you go when you first arrived to America?

Uh. Orange County, but, like, Los Angeles, like, you know, your city, like, where you go, like, where I started comedy is my, that's, I always say L.A. Because, you know, it's where I started, you know. Perfect. What made you pick L.A.? I mean, I was already in Orange County. You could move there with a U-Haul. Got it.

Yeah. What made you pick Orange County as a landing spot? I studied film, unfortunately, which... That makes sense. It does not at all, for money reasons, but. But yeah, I went there and then, you know, I got sick of LA. Yeah. So, yeah.

What is the scene in Turkey like for stand-up? Can I ask? Great question. Oh, it's, you do it in English and in Turkish. But the thing is, like, in English, we can talk about the government, which is nice, because they don't fucking get it. Ah. You can, yeah. But Turkish, I have this special that I shot and I haven't edited it yet because if I put it up.

because if I put it up, I'll probably never go back again. Right. So there's that little thing. So tell us what is it like over in Turkey. Like what are some of the day-to-day things that make it, you know, dangerous and not fun? I mean, like, I had this joke about like compared to Halloween, like, instead of Halloween, like, trick-or-treat, they play this game called Money or Stab, the Children. I'm seriously afraid of children here

because sometimes I'll see children here with bats and they're just trying to get better at sports but I'm like I always think they're coming for me because the thing is like when there's big dudes and you like hurt them people will like you know people be like I was trying to hurt you so you hurt them back it's fine but like when you hurt kids and you go to prison

they're like this guy killed a kid So there's that fear. None of these are my real life. These are psychological. This is amazing. I think you're super likable. You already hear your voice already. I love you.

It's so funny. And you just said when you kill kids and people are like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You need an accent to kill kids. Otherwise, like people are like, oh.

Speak more young Turkish. I like it. How old are you, Orhan? I'm 33 years old. 33. And did you serve in the turrets? Turkish military at 18? No, I, because you can get out of it.

How did you get out of it? So there's two ways to get out of it. One, you have to be gay and prove it. Oh. Hell yeah. Here's the thing, like, also here's what people don't know. That's why I never joined the military. No, no, no, I don't know.

Let the room laugh for a second. That's not how it is. No, no, I am straight. No, no, here's what I would. Shut up! You don't know me. But here's the thing. You don't know me. You don't know me. I'm the only straight.

Great person here, probably. Okay, listen. So if you're gay and you have to send them tape because they want proof video, they actually do. This is true. I'm not making this up. I'm not this creative. Wow. But blow jobs don't count, which some people send blow job videos and still went. So the other way is you have to work in America for three years.

That's what I did. I did shitty jobs. So one way. of getting out of the military is sending a video of a man absolutely butt-fucking you and the other option is going to the greatest country on planet Earth

and making money and working for three years? Because they figure like corporate America also makes your asshole yay big. Unbelievable. We've looked it up.

What he's saying is definitely true. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Military service from the BBC News 2012. Military service is mandatory for all Turkish men. They can only escape if they are ill, disabled, or homosexual. But proving homosexuality is a humiliating ordeal.

So if you send a video of you sucking another dude's dick, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. People don't know that it's in the fine print, and people don't read it. People are like, this is gay enough, definitely. Enough, definitely. Do they throw... And also they archive it, so there's a bunch of reluctant

blowjaw videos that didn't even do any army good. Where do you see them? You guys are laughing, but I'm going to get in trouble for this little... This is incredible.

The same video that'll get you out of Turkish military is the same video that'll get you into Jim Norton's green room. I love comedy, you know, so you gotta do it. The guy who volunteers

to watch the video in the army. Is there a guy who's like, I'll make sure they're gay? I mean, the amount of videos is probably a team, you know. They zoom in real quick, they hear you going, but... But... You can serve, you know. Because people don't want to go to the army, you know,

because they, you know, make you get up early. Yeah. So, I guess... Wow. This is incredible O-Rah Hunt. So how long have you lived in Austin, Texas? It's my sixth month here. Oh, wow.

Yeah, I just moved here because I... I don't know, actually. Like, people said I should, and I did, and then people have... Like, people said, hey, there's, like, comedy there. People will like you there. I said, okay. And there's been good shows. And, like, I'm telling you, like, this minute thing really made me nervous

because I'm not a very one-minute guy, so, like, I really appreciate you guys because I was really... I can't... I can't... It's very hard for me. Yeah. You absolutely dominated, Or... I want to talk to you for a little bit longer,

even though this interview is going very long. But I find you so interesting. So now that you live here, how do you make money, Orhan? I work for a luxury car brand, but like only part-time and they give me time off when I go to other cities. A luxury car brand. It's Mercedes, whatever I'll tell you. You've been so nice. Yeah, I love it.

Absolutely. Have you ever tried to get out of work the same way you try to get out of the army? No, no, I just do a good job. They let me go to different cities to do comedy. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. What else about your life, Orhund? Tell us more about you.

Honestly, I'm like a little bit good at everything, but not really that good at anything. Hopefully, besides this, but you'll decide. But like I play piano, but not well, you know. I don't know, like, just, like, I'm learning to carve wood. You're carving wood? Yeah, yeah. Okay, what are you making out of wood? It's an abstract piece, I don't know.

It's about expression more than the last drop moment. The wood is carving me, you know. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I can't handle this much love, sorry. I don't know. I don't know if I should wave at you or something. You're doing a hell of a job, Orhan.

Oh, thank you. You're doing an absolutely unbelievable job. What's your love life like? Well, I've had my share of girlfriends. They're all girls. Don't look gonna know. But, like, I... So in Turkey, I was making a living doing this.

So I had more free time. Now, I don't really have free time. a girlfriend till a few months ago, but you know, she wanted to meet at nights. I want to do more comedy because I'm a little bit obsessed with this thing. So, like, I'm single till,

you know, I can do this and nothing else. I mean, that's not a, that's a boring answer. No, it's good. It's to be prioritized doing stand-up over anything. Yeah, it's just, it's because, you know, I don't know, I just,

I love this thing. Yeah. to disgusting levels like the amount of job opportunities I've given up to do a few extra mics when I started and stuff like just yeah it's I can only imagine you must have been a doctor in the old country and then coming here you just you know I mean like that best it was 40,000 a year let's be real no I'm not hireable by people who actually do stuff where people might die you know right that means sense have you ever uh saved anybody's life or had a near-death experience or anything like that uh i mean people have been suicidal and i you know shook them there you do that does that does that yeah he's talking about the

last guy when he walked off stage and by shook them they were on a ledge yeah he produced a show he didn't put me on i might actually talk him into the ledge but i'll see what this show is built for. Somebody that's been doing it, nine years, and you left LA and you moved to Austin. And I just find you so incredible, the sacrifices that you've made, and you're just so funny,

and I can't wait to see more material from you. So Orhan, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Coach Tony. Congratulations, my friend. Here you go, buddy. Bing bong, hey up here, Orhan, boom. There you go.

Have you on the Secret Show Thursday, if you want. You did it, Orhan? The Turkish military, though. I have to do some research. Make sure you're a real golden ticket winner. How about one more time for Orhan, everybody? That's what happens here. Dreams can come true.

And they did for your next comedian, who was just about to move back to Atlanta when he got pulled out of the bucket here on Kiltzoni. It's the golden moment. Triumph on the podium, golden hand. But with Corona Serro, golden moments go beyond the Winter Olympics. They're enjoying sunsets, time outside, reconnecting with nature, and laughs shared with friends.

For every golden moment at the Winter Olympic Games, enjoy your own with Corona Serro, 0% alcohol and a source of vitamin D. Corona Serro, the official non-alcohol, alcoholic beer of Milano Cortina, 2026. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great regulars of the show's history, the Dark Storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Nedrick Flynn, everybody.

What do you know about buying $200 worth the pregnancy test so you can pee on them, sir? Because you know you can't get pregnant, you just really need the good news right now. Sir, what do you know about pretending to be gay with your best friend so y'all can go to couples, because it's cheaper that way. Sir, what you know about having a spider

that live in your room, and this niggas is not your pet? This niggas is not your pet, but you can't kill the spider because you got a white girlfriend. And she's like, the spiders keep out the bugs, and it's in the injury point. So then you chat GPT what kind of spider it is, only to find out it's a black widow. Nigger, I can't kill a black mom.

Dad, this spider is my mom. I was... Now, I was on mushrooms when I figured it out, so... But I treat her like a black mom. We go to church every Sunday. We don't go into the church. They won't let you in with the spider on your hand. They think you the devil.

So I just go by her window seal, and we play Kurt Franklin, and then she put what she want to read in the Bible and her web like Charlotte's Web. You know what I'm talking about Charlotte's Web? What's the pig's name from the book? Wilbur. This nigga can't read. This nigga can't read.

And he's a liar. He just wanted to fit in. He just wanted to fit in. You're a liar. You're a liar. That's my time. Dedrick's friend. And he's done it again. And that, my friends, is the difference between a regular and a bucket pool and everything in between. Dedrick

absolutely incredible. Loud laughs all the way throughout. Amazing stuff. You've peed on pregnancy tests? Yeah. You get that good news, Tony, when you get the mm-boy, you know what it feels like to not be pregnant, that shit. But don't get the dollar tree ones because a nigger was nervous.

I didn't know who the mama could be. I'm a ho. You know what I'm saying? Incredible, Dedrick. How's life been going? Tell us about it. I'm touring so much. I'm touring so much going all over the country.

It's so much fun. I do hate getting on planes. I think y'all know that. But every city I've been to, I've been selling a lot of tickets. There's a lot of good fans. I do want to say, happy Black History Month

to the seven black people that watch Kill Tony. I've had at least one at every show. Yep. Yep. We got the good ones, though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Little fun fact. Drake watches every episode with his crew in Toronto.

He makes them all shut up, and they sit around a big screen TV. Man, I love Drake. There you go. Ah! That's how you do it. We love Drake too. Yeah. I love it.

You're very creative. I love the spider bit. That was really funny, man. Like, you're a very interesting guy. You get an interesting your brain. Very fun. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Do you have something nice to say too? If you don't have anything nice to say, I already know you put your mic down, but you just don't hurt my phone. I was gonna piggyback off a gym, but the way he was sucking his cock. I was like, what, are you trying to get out of the army?

I still can't believe that. That might be one of the craziest fun facts. You have to send a video of you butt-fucking. In fact, it's real. For some guy that's the head of the Turkish army who's definitely jerking off to these videos. It's even better if it's not true and a bunch of guys are blowing their friends

and still going to serve. Absolutely incredible. People think America's bad. Turkey, you have to either. But fuck or fight? Another place that has better weapons than Turkey does. I feel like I would be gay

instead of going to the Army, though. I think I would choose, like, just be gay for one video just to get out of it. I've seen you fight for Turkey the food. Give me that, I want that piece.

Oh, give me that priest. Oh, give me that priest. You gotta do an AI video if you deep throat in the turkey stuff. Yep, that'll be on next week. That'll be on next week's video. Dedrick, anything else crazy going on in life? How's everything?

I don't know how to explain it. It's just fucking incredible. I finally... I don't know. I'm starting to feel like what the first couple months were. I'm starting to get real comfortable being up here instead of being, like, extra nervous. Because it is hard to come out here.

I'm not just saying that because my friend bombed a couple people ago. But it's... Which one was that? Matt Barber. He does run some great shows like over there. I did his club up there. in Des Moines, Iowa. I don't think he likes me anymore.

He had a real... I'll talk to him. Okay, good, thank you. I want to be able to do Des Moines again. Also, thank you for this sweet-ass jacket. Of course. I'm just wanting to say, thank you. This is fucking player as hell, man. Yeah, they were supposed to come over the holidays.

The whole crew got new jackets from our amazing team here. It took a while. Somebody put tariffs in place here in America. and they took a while, and now they arrived just in time for Texas to be 95 degrees again. Yeah.

So it's perfect. I'm sweating like a motherfucker. Boy, do I look good. I love it. Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We love you. You got to see him on the road. Dedrick Flynn,

follow him. See him when he comes to your city. Absolutely amazing. We know this next young buck. He is one of the door guys here at the mothership. We love it. You know, people from Sunset sign up, people from the mothership sign up.

These guys all are in a big rotation here in Austin doing spots. Hopefully with their experience, they're doing their better minutes here. So let's see what happens. Make some noise for the young buck. Nicholas Sapaglia, everybody. Very funny young man. I was at the bar the other day, just getting a drink. And this big group of ladies came in.

It was a bachelor's party. And it was like a big group of ladies. It was like a gaggle of bitches. So many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar, having a drink. And one mom comes over and orders a drink, and then looks at me and goes, you should shave your face. You look like a rapist.

And I just yelled at her. I said, yeah, you look like a victim. Got her. Got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much, and she chimed back. She's like, that's not funny. And I'm like, shut up, bitch, yes, it is.

But don't worry, I'm not into fat chicks. And she was clearly anorexie. So got her again. I will leave it at that. Yep, absolutely great. Nicholas Sepaglia back again. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome back. How's it going?

Fantastic. New glasses. You do kind of look like a rapist. Kind of, yeah. Hell yeah. A little bit. Very good. Welcome, welcome.

What do you guys think about Nicholas, Jim? I'm glad I shaved. Very funny. Good joke writing. Yeah, really great. And I like the instinct of closing on the laugh. Like the fucking meow. Yeah.

He's like, fuck this. I like that. It's good instigued. Thank you. You're welcome. Yep. Got out on top. What's going on, Nicholas? Tell us about it. You work here at the mothership. I work here. I recently became a father about a little while ago.

So just doing daddy daycare during the day and stand up at night. The wife is working full time. I'm raising the baby right. Tell us about that. I'm pretty sure we are all fatherless people. I mean, we're not fathers. We're childless. Yes, childless. You have father.

And we're probably also fatherless. We'll just come from a test tube. Well, I mean, it's cliche to say, but they always say you're never ready. Tony, you don't know what to expect, which is just the cliche thing that is true. But it was a little different in our situation because when our baby was born, we had a little baby girl. Wanted a funny one, but we got a girl. But I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

But we named her Shirley, and when Shirley was born, we found, we discovered that she had a little bowel obstruction in her intestines, and they had to do emergency surgery and remove about 17 centimeters of her intestines, and then they gave her like an ilioostomy bag, and we lived at the NICU at the hospital for like the first five months of her life. So it was really kind of traumatic and upsetting,

and my wife is really upset that I nicknamed her shitbag Shirley. She didn't like that at all. She didn't like that. I said it one time, but every whole thing. It always comes up and I'm like, SBS is never going to remember any of this. I like, I like how you have dark jokes. They're like, oh, my God. And they're really fucking funny.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of my sense of humor. It's kind of my style. Dark. Jesus. Come out of nowhere. It's your daughter.

Your humor is darker than the contents of your daughter's shit bag. That's true, yeah. They call it output, but I know shit when I smell. It collects shit. It's definitely shit. Yeah. Yeah, it was a crazy experience, though. I've had to do a bunch of, I have to start taking care of myself a little bit better now.

Like, I got a checkup recently, which I hadn't done in quite some time. But, you know, as guys, we go to the appointment once a year, you know, get a little turn your head and cough. And you think that's it. But this year I went, and they were like, all right, we're going to tick all your balls. And that was fine. It felt great. I was turning my head. I was coughing, you know, as you do.

I ask the guy, I was like, why do I have to turn my head when I cough? And he goes, I don't want you coughing in my face. And I was like, oh, fair point. You don't know unless you ask, so. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, and then he finishes, and I started pulling on my pants, and he goes, oh, wait, we're going to check your prostate. And I said, no, thank you.

I just didn't want to do that. But they forced it upon me. And all of a sudden, I'm just in position, you know, hands down, pants down. And he's behind me lubing up like Pete Did he had a freak off. And he goes, don't be alarmed. You're going to feel like a small pinch. And that's when I look back at him and said, why do I fill both your hands on my shoulders?

And he didn't like that at all. Yeah. He didn't like that joke at all. Awesome. He kicked me right out of the dentist office, so... Hell yeah. Amazing. Other than that, life's been pretty good.

I mean, that was kind of a struggle. Yeah. I love it, Nicholas. You're doing a hell of a job. You're crushing here at the mothership. You're getting spots. You just performed in front of millions of people here on this show.

and did great. Congratulations. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, if you can. Secret Show. Here's a big joke book. Boom. Nicholas Sepiglia, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

And back to the bucket we go. Here we go. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Kirsty Hayden, everybody. Kirsty Hayden. I don't know if y'all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't.

I'm actually living through this app I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants, take care of their pets. It's called hinge. No, but I do go from house to house, and it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat,

and when I came home, I discovered that the cat, had gotten into my dirty laundry and chewed up only my underwear. So, weird way to find out you have a yeast infection. You can take the puss out of the panties, but you can't take the panties out of the puss. That's it. Okay. Hi, Kirstie.

Welcome. Hi. Hello. This is your first time on the show? Yes. Welcome. How long you've been to stand-up? Eight years.

Okay. Where at? I started in Dallas. Okay. You still live in Dallas? No, I live here now. How long have you lived here? Like a year in four months.

Okay. Good answer. Very exact. How do you make money? I do pet sitting. I'm also, I clean and organized people's houses. I sell clothes on Deepop. That's it.

All right. Okay. How old are you? I'm 30. 30. Okay, so you started at 22. Yes. How's it going for you?

Good? Pretty good, yeah. You perform a lot? I do. Are you a little tipsy or on drugs of some kind right now? 100% sober. Really? Yeah.

This is just you? Yeah, this is just me. I'm not even on Zoloft anymore. I'm off all of it. Okay. Were your parents really stoned on drugs when they had you? Yes. Okay.

All right. That doesn't really... You look like you should be disrupting an ice raid. Yeah. It's true. What ethnicity are you? I'm Sicilian. Really?

Okay. All right. 100%. Your parents are both Sicilian? Like 80%. My dad's dad is Irish, so... That's why my last name's Hayden. Got it.

Got it. All right. What do you do for fun, Kirstie? For fun? I usually will, you know, I like to do. How long have you been off the Zoloft for? A one month. Yeah, there we go.

I had a feeling. So your body's adjusting to it. Yeah, the brain zaps have finally stopped. The brains what? The brain zaps. Okay, none of you take Zol off. That's cool. The brain zaps.

Can you take us through what that means? It's where you get really lightheaded and you feel kind of, it's uncomfortable, but I kind of like it. Because it makes you feel kind of, like, messed up. But it's like a lightheadedness. And then for a second, you're like, ah, ah. And then you're like, oh, yeah. There's other ways to get that. So what made you get off the Zoloft?

My health insurance changed. Ah. So I thought it was easier to just quit the pills than to be put on hold. Did you wean off? Did you talk to a doctor at all? You just kind of just cold-turkied it? I cold-turkied it.

They tell you not to do that, but I think I got through it just fine. Dude, I, so, Cursey used to be, she used to wait tables at the text, at the Dallas Imprope, Addison Imprope. And every time I'd headline there, I'd give her a guess at, and she always crushed it, every show.

She's very funny, and this interview's great. You're like a female, you look like female Mitch Headberg. Bitch, headberg? Bitch, bitch, bitch gives Headberg to stay at someone's house. Y'all already have a Mitch impersonator, though. That is true. We have a guy that looks and sounds exactly like him. What were you using Zola for, like depression, anxiety?

Well, I mean, that's what it treats, Red Band. That's usually why people take it, yeah. I mean, what do you think? It's a fucking weight loss drug? It's for, like, PTSD, anxiety, depression. I mean, you know, there's a few different reasons for it. It was for depression. Yeah.

Yeah. But honestly, I would get depressed while I would. was on it, so I was like, well, what's the point? I might as well just deal with raw dog it. Right. So how's the past month been? What's going on with it? Is it a day-to-day thing?

Have there been highs and lows? I think I learned good coping on Zoloft. So it's actually been fine without it. I don't really feel any different because I was on it for three years. And it's not like you're fucked up on it. Like you remember what you learn on it. So, yeah, I think I just learned how to. be normal.

Well, I wouldn't say that. I feel pretty much the same. Does it fuck up sex drive? I was scared of stuff. It does. It would take like an hour to come. So every woman I've ever been with. Yeah, there are.

So how... A lot of Zoloff. So, how has, do you have a boyfriend? No. So have you been on dates or anything? since being off Zoloft or are you just like you know that the sexual thing is better

because you're pleasing yourself? Well, it's hard to date when you do comedy because you're just out every night and I don't really do dating apps because I don't really like care. Right.

You know, so no, I don't really go on dates. Okay. Very often. So no, I don't know. I don't do that. Okay. Right now. All right.

Yeah. Okay, Kirstie. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? I do a little bit of yoga. I like playing pool. I like singing sometimes. And I take showers. Oh, amazing.

That is a rarity among Austin Common. You're pretty unique. What song do you sing a karaoke? I like to do some Shania. I also, I sing corn pretty good. Hell yeah. All right. Okay, Kirstie.

Very fun. All right. Let me ask you one more question about the Zoloft here. I've heard that when you stop antidepressants cold turkey, that you get suicidal tendencies. Did you have a low moment at all when you got off them? Surprisingly, no. Most of the low moments were before I got on it,

and then, like, during even, there were low moments. But I think because I expected there to be so many low moments, I just didn't. It wasn't that bad. So, no. That's Stephen Burns. 30 Stevens who killed himself. There you go.

Was he on zone? It doesn't make sense. It's a bad timing thing. But I work with Brian Red Band, so you can't control. When I'm looking over here, he gets to do whatever he wants. I'm in a good head space. Perfect. I think that I'm going to kill myself.

Maybe tonight. No, don't. No, don't. I can't have that kind of press. For a goddamn joke book? I can't have that kind of press. And don't write a suicide note in it. Yeah.

No, you got it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Fun Time. Kirstie Hayden, there you go. Boom. All right. There goes Kirstie, everybody. Yeah, let's do that.

You saw Orhan Timor get a golden ticket here tonight, and you may have seen this next young lady get a golden ticket if you watched Kill Tony Once Upon a Time in Texas on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the great Young everybody, Young is back everyone.

A brand new minute. You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white. For example, a normal person just lives in the house, but the most powerful person lives in the white house? White collar jobs are better than blue color jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more. White lives are better than other lives,

because they come from good intentions. That would be some sort of white. Even Diddy knows white is better. Diddy used to host white parties in Hollywood. Best parties you can never find. You can only wear white in that party, right? They got eight-less celebrities, unlimited baby oil. And guess what?

When he's arrested, not white enough to get pardoned by the White House. Thank you. That's my name. Young. That set was all white. Yeah. Very, right. For the white folks in this room.

Stuck with one premise there. I love it. Very good. Smart. Adorable, as always, very likable, young. Welcome back. How's life going for you? It's been good.

Yeah, I scheduled some shows around a few states and just doing spots in Austin. Where are you going around America? Next week, I'm in Florida. But it won't be aired. But I have a show in Austin, March 21st. And I show in the San Antonio, March, no, April 11th, I think. April 11th.

San Antonio, you can drive to it. You drive? I told you I drive Uber before. I was five-star driver. Yeah. Yeah, I was, I did 5,000 trips. Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God. High ratings. Really good driver. That's crazy. I find that impossible to believe. Jim? I enjoyed you said. I thought it was very funny.

You had me at, you know, white. But no, very good. The good writing. And, yeah, I enjoyed you very much. Thank you. You keep looking like you're waiting for me to say something shitty. They love when I had shit on the panel,

so I can't control it. I just look at you. I thought you looked like someone from the alien movies, you know. Those human incubators would come out, bald and wrinkly. Are you going to let...

Do I now? You see it? You're going to let Soon Ye talk to you that way? Yes, I am. Tell me how I'm not good enough. Tell me how small it is. White is good, but not there, right? Tell me about it.

Young has this incredible roast delivery that I find so interesting. She does it with a smile, she looks right at ya. She told Red Band that he looked like a kidney don't work. So many people after saying they saw the Netflix thing, bring that up. When the Asian girl told Red Band that he looks like his kidneys don't work. Like it's like, it doesn't have to necessarily be like some crazy written, like,

math problem. It's some brutal honesty with you the way you smile at somebody. Yeah, I wasn't trying to rose him. I just thought he looks very pale. See what I mean? You see like it's an adorable delivery. Yeah, but that means she really thinks I look like some fucking alien. What do you think about Ian? Ann's a good-looking guy, right? He looks so Jew. Take your hat. Take your hat and bust us all. In Texas, that's the worst insult than alien. I find it interesting.

He got all those, like, fake jewelry on his knuckles, like trying to be a rapper. Thank you. I'll take a number 35, a 47, and a 16. Are you Jew, though? Are you Jew? You are? A little bit.

What are you? Not Jew. Oh, my God. I love, she doesn't even say A. She just goes, are you Jew? Ah, yeah. That was very 1945 of you. Since when did the Japanese not like Jews?

Oh, you're Chinese. I got in trouble for this before getting these things backwards. You guys are totally different. Two totally different people. Yeah, we don't nuclear people. We do. We do? We do bond people?

You don't. Okay. Chinese don't. Somehow you guys don't. Yeah, we like to build trains though. Yes, you do. We built trains for you. That's right.

Sushi trains. That's Japan. I feel like she's a racist little doll and we're just pulling her string. More phrases are coming out. Are you, Jew? Are you Jew? You look... By juice, by the way, I love chips.

Yeah. Thank you. How do you feel about aliens? Jim is going to come. I'm going to give you a hug afterwards, sorry. Thank you. You look hurt. Along with these roast jokes,

I've realized that Young is so likable that she can get away with things that most people can't. Everyone, including I've noticed, liberal people, like my 80-plus-year-old mother, she mentioned how amazing she thought you were, and she loved your Trump impression, and she hates Trump. So I think you have this amazing ability to win people over.

What's your least favorite race? If you were joking, what would your least favorite race? And what would your best impersonation of them pay? You're really putting me on spot, Tony. You're trying to make people hate me now, do you? Blacks. Mexicans. Japanese.

Ooh. Now, as a Chinese girl, tell us, what is it that you don't like about the Japanese? We fight a lot, and we kill each other all the time. Yeah. But why? Why is that? Yeah, you know, they're just, they're neighbors,

neighbors just hate each other, you know. They're fighting a lot. Yeah, but is there something about them in particular? I don't know. I think we just think we're better than them, and they think they're better than us. That's a great answer. Yeah, just like Jews and Christians, you know.

What? Aliens and Earthlings. Yeah. Take it easy, Miss Saigon. Jesus Christ. I had to roast a Jew and a Jew's here, and I've got to take the opportunity. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, you have to, right? You're really a Jew? 23 in me. I took a... You'll catch it. 23 in Hebe? Okay. Just from the neck up.

Yes. For sure, definitely. Especially with the beer. You're 100% Jewish from the neck up. No, I'm like a little Ashkenazi. I found out through 23 me. But I was raised Italian, Irish Catholic. Perfect.

Hey. Perfect. Yay. But she spotted it. Really, what a great instinct you have. Yeah, no, I mean. I know, too? Even though her eyes look like they're closed, she can see.

Young, you are amazing. So likable, so funny. We love you. How about one more time for young? everybody. We're going to go back to this bucket. We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and

gentlemen. It's Jordan McDonald everybody. Here we go. Here comes Jordan. What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks. I like to smoke that weed in parks. And I like to watch homeless people.

That's how I judge how much I like a city I suggest y'all try it I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada not too long ago, any Canadians in here? Boo, USA, USA, say it with me, brother, US. I'm gonna start a clan rally in this bit. No, I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada,

smoking weed and parks, watching homeless people and not bothering nobody doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself. There's nobody else around them. And he just says out loud, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what, big daddy? It's the weekend.

That's a five-star homeless man right there. You mean to tell me you're a disciplined crack addict? It's like, hey, Reggie, what you're doing tonight? Baby, he wants some crack? Nah, niggas, Tuesday. Don't start my crack till Thursday, 1158 p.m. Thank you. Jordan McDonald.

Okay. Welcome back, Jordan. You've been on this show before. How are you? How long you've been doing stand-up now? Coming up on seven years. Seven years. And is that true you really made a crackhead that only does it on the weekend? I was smoking weed in the beaches in Toronto and I was watching homeless people as I do. And he was like, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what? Big Daddy, it's the weekend. That's the craziest shit I've ever seen a crackhead do before. Jim Norton. I think I like watching you. You're a good performer. You have good energy on stage. You acknowledge the audience and the material is unique. So I enjoyed watching you. Oh, thank you, Jim.

Hell yeah. You're welcome. Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better. I remember that. Thank you, man. I've been working hard. Yeah. I liked your impressions.

Like, you really threw yourself into it. Appreciate you. Yeah. Hell yeah, Egan. And the way you said, fuck Canada. I appreciated that. Yeah. USA.

USA. USA. Hell yeah. So, Jordan, what have you been up to other than stand-up comedy? Actually, Tony, I actually toured the world. 24 and 2025. Wow. Which are 12 different countries

in performing comedy. Tell us about it. I went, yo, the coolest place I went to was Tanzania, East Africa. Shout out to the Punchline in Darcy Lama.

Headline there. Sowed out shows there. Performing in Spain all over Europe. And you're performing in English? Yes, sir. All these different places. So it was cool.

For one of the shows in Tanzania, Friday night, all my openers did comedy in Swahili. And I was like, damn, this is crazy. I don't know what the fuck y'all saying. And then the audience quickly turned on their English brain

and we had a good time, man. Wow. Yeah. It's incredible. I actually got a notice in Amsterdam and Spain and Dubai from Kiltony, which was... Oh, you got recognized. Recognized.

They were like, you're the dude where your ex-girlfriend beat you up, right? And I was like, yeah. They were like, you funny. And I'm like, can you leave with that next time? Yeah. Incredible. Non-comedy related. What was your favorite place?

Favorite place, non-comedy related. Barcelona, Spain, man. Everybody got a fat ass. They got, for real, everybody's caked up. They got good food out there. The comedy scene was cool. It's just beautiful.

I swam naked in the ocean, nigga, that was tight. I'm from Sherman, Texas, dog. I ain't never done nothing like that. That was fun. Yeah. Yeah? I ain't never seen such a light skin, brother,

with so much soul. Come on now. Come on now. You know what it is. I like it. You've been having all the wrong light skins on your show lately, Tony, So I just had to come in and be the...

I like you throw everything into your words. It's like interesting hearing you talk. Thank you, brother. Yeah. When you swam naked in the ocean, what kind of floaties did you use? I just used my hair. I just use my hair, Tony.

It keeps me afloat. It keeps me afloat. My nose above water. I ain't have to worry about shit. You know what I'm saying? I didn't go below my knees neither, though. That also helped. Absolutely.

I ain't going to get below the waist. That's going to be dangerous. Amazing. Did you hook up with any... global ladies. You know what I'm saying? There were some pretty ones out there.

Can you give us an example of what that was like? Barcelona? No, one was in Edinburgh, Scotland at the Fringe Festival. The Jewish girls out there go crazy, boy, let me tell you. I didn't know.

No, tell us. What do you mean? Well, so at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival were the big comedy festival in Scotland. It's pretty much like Pokemon's stadium but for comedians and stuff.

And everybody's just trying to involve a P-chu to a right-choo. You know what I'm saying? And sometimes a Charzard and a right-choo meet up sometimes like, yo, let's motherfucker make electricity and fire. And I don't know. Can you say

can you explain that to the people that aren't absolutely brain-dead dorks? Yeah, so you know, you go to one of the after-parties, you know, and they drink a lot in Scotland and you start drinking. And then you make eye contact with the very pretty Jewish lady from across the room.

And she's like, yo, I direct shows. And I'm like, oh, I don't. But let's have some fun. And we have some fun. Did you know she was Jewish before she said she directed shows? No, no. Or was that the giveaway? But I was like, this might be my way in.

Yeah. So, you know, had to do the job. Have you noticed something different hooking up with a Jewish girl than with a non-Jewish girl? Oh. Go ahead, say it. It's okay. Okay, well, easy. I don't know. No, go ahead. Let it rip.

Let it rip in. Shut up. I'm making know I love Jewish people. I just want y'all to know. Shats out to the one Jew and the crowd wooing right now. I love you, brother. No, it's not really that much of difference there. I don't know, she had like, like, like, moles.

And I was like, that's crazy. You know, I was like, Connect the dots or something. I don't know, but that was the only difference was the moles. God puts them on there so we can spot them. Yeah. Exactly, exactly, exactly. No, they're not moles.

They're called rats. That is a Jew who made that joke. Hopefully this is still in the clip. Hopefully the clip didn't end there. I love it. Jordan, anything else crazy we should know about you? Anything else crazy, man. Me and my homie's been making short comedy films and shit.

got a really funny stoner film called Pushy. If you like a good stoner comedy film. Where can people find that out? We got it on YouTube right now. Just look up a pushy film. It's on YouTube. I-E-E-E-Y? P-U-S-H-Y.

Okay, there you go. Pushy. And then, Tony, I had a funny moment with you at Skank Fest this year. We did? Yeah, we did. We were just hanging out in the green room or whatever. And you walked up with a slice of pizza, and I was talking to Joe DeRoseau and a few other comics, Gardini.

But you just came up and you were like, this looks like so-and-so from Star Wars. I know this because I'm a Sith Lord. And I was like, yo, Tony, what? I actually remember this. It looked like the Moustafar system. Exactly. You go, I would know this because I'm a Sith Lord.

And I was like, well, that was a joke. But remember you? Remember you? For being a loser? Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. Star Wars is so much cooler than Pokemon. Dashing.

You know the references. The Moustafar system is where... You guys know, it's where Anakin and Obi-1 Kenobi fought. It's basically a lava planet. And there was a bubble on this slice of pizza. It was like one of those, like, bubbles that come up. And it literally... I took out my phone.

And granted, you have to also remember it's fucking Skankfest. So I'm drunk and high as all fuck-all. But I literally did. I didn't notice it until then. And then I pulled out my phone. And I looked up the Mustapar system. and I went side by side. And then I took my red lightsaber

and I shoved it up my ass to get out of the Turkish military. Here's a big joke book, Jordan. Thank you. Thank you. Jordan McDonald, everybody. That's the lightsaber of the Sith. They don't use green or purple

lightsabers like what you got there. No way, Jose. Straight red. I'm almost to the point to where I can shoot electricity out of my fingertips, saving it from Madison Square Guard. and our third time tickets going on sale real soon.

You know, just casual business. All right, let's do one last bucket pool. Make some noise for Joey Johnson, everybody. Man, it's cool you're all here. 11 years, I've never been pulled before. So that's, you know, 11 years of comedy, man. Yeah, sure, I don't have enough time. Shut up.

It's hard making money doing this, man, 11 years. I just got back. I was doing shows in the Denver area and I'll stop by like a homeless guy outside the comedy club. He goes, excuse me, sir, can you spare some? change and I told him I was like look dude I don't have any money I'm a stand-up comedian and then I shit you not guys this homeless guy like pause and assessed my fucking situation right the dude looks up and down that's gonna be he just goes my bad fam you right and that

fucked me up guys that ruined my whole week my bad fan I know I spoke like that too he was Asian it was the weirdest my bad you fam you're right and then he gave me five dollars all right and I took that shit because it's hard out here for a player all right yeah I was on unemployment during COVID, that was the best money I ever made, all right? I'm not really political. When Trump was showing out $900, I was like, I can be bought. That is a lot. I was on unemployment. I wasn't taking advantage of the system. We hear about that a lot, right? Taking advantage. I wasn't. The money given back to me, I was putting into small business. I love small business, man. I love it to a fault. Like, I love small business so much.

I will only take a girl I'm seeing out to a mom and pop abortion clinic. Because big abortion is just killing the little guy, right, everybody? Joey Johnson. Great set. Eleven years you've been doing it. Eleven years. Where out exactly? Hyenas actually.

We actually met one time. Oh, God. Tell me what Star Wars shit I said. No, no, no, no, no. These are not the jokes you're looking for. What happened when we met? I was just supposed to open for you, and you had a bunch of people there, Randy.

you know, Randy, it was hyenas Fort Worth. And JP was in the green room. You don't recognize me. We had long hairs during COVID. I was wearing a mask and I felt heavily judged walking in there with the mask.

Can't believe Randy would book me open. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Always brought my own open. Well, what's funny is the like Saturday after, that was a Friday. And you didn't need me and you let me do the time and that was tied as fuck. But the Saturday after the girlfriend

that just broke up with me, she was going to come to the show. And I was like, oh, she's going to, she's a big fan. And I was like, oh, she's going to see me. This will be my big time. And then you're all like, hey man you need me back tomorrow you're like

nah well I had an entire crew that I flew out from Los Angeles and hey in retrospected yeah it was good Randy Randy yeah Randy's a dog I love Randy we love Randy

Randy's my fucking home mate the great Randy Butler he comes to all of our shows when we do massive venues now and you let me do the time and that was tight man thank you for that yeah yeah there you go I'm a nice I would like the girlfriend there you go there you go I put my lightsaber away

for the night. Where was the gig at the canteena? Oh no. Who shot first? How dare you? Use the Mosaisley canteenas name in vain. This is crazy that you're all finding out at once how big of a secret Star Wars nerd I am.

Dorks. Literally rewatched it over the weekend. I just let it go. A virgin I am. Do your big one. Do your big one. No. I already did it on this show before.

Okay, I do one impression. It's of Princess Leia during the Empire Strikes Back when she's freeing Han Solo from being frozen in carbonite. She's in a special robot helmet which changes her voice and when she wakes up, she goes,

You have been frozen in carbonite. Thank you. Thank you. Do I get to do the secret show on Thursday? I don't want to. I don't want to. Now this all makes sense. That's why you're talking into C3PO's dick.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Ha, fucking hilarious. I love this. I love that you're finding out that I have a sensitive, dirty side to me. Oh my God. All right, Joey. What do you do for work? I work at Head Shop on Wheels out here, so I sell diet. Yeah, yeah. I sell diet weed in a food truck. Nice.

Yeah, I did it in high school, but they tip me for it now, so that's nice, you know. That's awesome. Dress for the job you want, not the one you. All right. I love that. How long you've been doing that for? I moved here about a year ago. I started it like a few months ago. I was working out a country club bartending out here at first, and then in July when those storms came, it flooded the country club. River Place. Country Club. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. And is it your truck or you're working for? No, no, no. It's not mine. I work for it. A bunch of

comics work. Ellizor, I think. He was on here recently. He works there. It got robbed recently. Yeah. There have been a couple, yeah. Yeah. And look, headshot on wheels. I'm pretty sure they posted their mugshot. So look, you know, if you know, maybe I'll get a raise. I don't know. But yeah, they got robbed. I don't know what happened there. That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my truck.

Okay. There you go. I lock up great. All right. Perfect. We're going to use that video in You definitely robbed the truck. Stop, dude. Stop. You look like my accomplice. We're one and the same here. Yeah, shut the fuck up. Takes one and no one. I did not rob the truck. Okay.

I swear, dude. Please, I need this job. I need that 14 an hour so bad. Please. So it's 14 an hour. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. What's your rent? $750 only, actually. How many roommates? One roommate. And that's a dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One bedroom or two, two. God damn. You set me up there. Whoa. It's two. A one bedroom for 750 would be crazy. That'd be... Looks like I found a new C3PO.

Al R2, you're D2. All right. This is not the droid you're looking for, Tony. All right. Is it a one bathroom? Oh, did we already do that? It's okay. One bathroom?

Yeah. What's it like, tell these people what it's like sharing a bathroom with another. It's gross because both me and him are like trying to get into working out. So the protein intake is like, oh. It's gone up for us and the toilet. And that's crazy. Having women over is crazy. You know what I mean?

And also like the toilet seats now falling off. It's just like doing that thing where, you know, I think both of us are like sit wipers, right? Like you shift in the... She knows what I'm talking about. She gets it. Yeah. What do you mean? Like if you, like, do you stand her and wipe?

This wipe or sit and wipe? I have a beday. I have a, I have a, I have a, I have a, I have a, stand. Stand, your standers? Oh, see, I just lean and then I fucking, yeah. I probably shouldn't say this, that sucks. Yeah. But like it moves the seat.

I don't know what I do. Everybody stands, right? You stand up. That's crazy. Who stays, most people don't stay sitting and they go like that? No, I don't go between, no, you lean. You grab a cheek lean, it's a whole reach process. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how women was. It's the super straight way to do it, dude. It's very rare that we have so much standards here. Yeah, this is crazy, by the way. The numbers are normally in my favor, I feel like. No. On this problem. Yeah, we got a few.

No. There we go. That's a fucking honest man. Look, that is a strong man right there. And he sits when he, that man works at construction. Nah. Shh. Wow.

What do you? You sit and you lean and wipe? See? He's a sitter. Yeah, I'm a lean wiper. Is that what I'm supposed to be? I'm a stand wiper. And if you have a shitty apartment like I do,

like the toilet seat, yeah. So now it's like shifting. Now if you move any direction, bro, you're like on a slip and slide. It's crazy. It's like I'm sitting on an ice cube. I stand and wipe because you're pulling it into your balls the other way. Well, that's because you sit and pee.

I'm not like Oh, so fun. Joey, Joey, give me one more crazy fun fact about your entire life. Could be your childhood, could be today.

Crazy. I'm quitting cocaine, everybody. That's cool, yeah. You're in the process right now of quitting? I've been done for like a few months now, but yeah.

Congrats. Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. That's tough. Good for you. Appreciate it. I had some, I guess, rock bottom moments.

Let's hear about that. He has a roommate and he shits on his side. Well, this feels You got outed as a huge Star Wars fan in front of millions of people. No, I had sex with a trans girl, though. Sorry, that wasn't like a pilot. Bottom is that.

Yeah. Fucking loser. You're talking to the king and queen here. I know, I know. This is why this is not the best, but I just, you know. No, what happened? Tell me. We were fucking.

By the way, she looked great. She looked great. I was fucking. I was fucking. Then I saw the penis. And then for me, that was like the rock bottom. Because I knew. But then when you see it and it's big, you're like, fuck.

Yeah, I know. That's a lot. That's a lot. And then I felt like bad like I couldn't stop. No, that's called being a rock hard bottom. Well, then I felt like I couldn't stop because it would have been fucked up, like, to have been turned off once I saw the penis. Who cares? Wait a second.

Hold on. Hold on. I know that's crazy to say after I did it. Let's go one step at a time, Joey. Just relax for a second. You're getting real lamped up now. Sorry, my bad. It's okay.

Getting closer to us. Yeah, he is. Move back. Move back, Joey. Move back. No, no, he means with your lifestyle. I got it. So, Joey, you're saying that you didn't know she was trans until you saw her dick? I was willing to ignore it. I was so, like, coked out. To ignore the fact that, like, it could be a possibility. And again, you can play pretend until you see the...

And then when I saw it, I was like, oh, I, like don't like this, but then I didn't want to finish... Hold on. Hold on, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey. Dude, you robbed the truck. You are gay, and you knew she had to... cock, okay? Just be who you are. It's totally far. You're playing turkey. Thanks, dude. I appreciate that. So, you're saying

that you were having sex with her, right? Yeah. You're hitting it from behind. Yes. Okay. And did you finish? And then you saw the dick? Yeah. Yeah. So you came, but you weren't curious as to why first base was her asshole?

Yeah. There was no, you're just like, wow. This was freaky. I don't know. You didn't wonder why our pussy smelled So did you come in her asshole? No, no, no. You pulled out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What a gentleman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you pull out, you shoot it on her back. It felt, for some reason, this is dumb, I know, but it felt gayer coming in the ass. So I was like, if I do it on the back, it's straight as to walk. If there's one alpha move, it's to pull it out. Right.

You get it, yeah. So when did you see her dick? Because she's like, my turn. Is that it? Yeah, it was like there wasn't a cigarette, but she rolled over, you know, like she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I felt bad like not wanting to get icked out,

even though I want, you know. Did you make her calm like a gentleman or you a piece of shit? I honestly, man, I have no idea at that point. That's a yes. That's a yes. That's a yes. I love it.

The Olympics are going on right now, and you were winning first place medal gymnastics. I was too coked up. I was so coked up, I dated her for six months. I was so drunk, I met her family and fell into a love relationship.

Gold medal and sking, I was. It's gayer for you to deny it. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. I mean, I said I did it. Did she sleep over? Did you wake up next door the next morning?

No, no. Yeah, I went home after. She drove me home. Like, we didn't really sleep. There was Coke. You know, but yeah, she is a gentle woman. You better watch out. She is a female driver.

It was very sweet. Amazing. What kind of car did she have? Do you remember? I don't remember. It was a little red, like, Hatchback. Hatchback thing.

No, no, no. Huck nuts. But they're tucked up underneath. Oh, Joey. Congratulations. Fun set, fun interview. Love it. Great stuff.

Joey Johnson, everybody. All right. I fucking love this episode tonight. I mean, unbelievable. What a showing. Golden Ticket winner. Young was great. Dedrick was great.

William got the whole thing started. Normally, that's how you end a show. And he went off first in this batting order. in this batting order tonight. So it makes you wonder, how do you end an episode like this? And well, there's only one way to truly do that, my friends. This regular has it all. He's selling out giant theaters

all around the United States of America, where one day it is very likely that he will be a citizen. But for now he remains the Estonian Assassin. This is Ari Matty. So there were ice raids happening this weekend in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course. I am anti-ice.

However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my country. That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. I always thought I'm safe from ice because I'm white, but holy shit things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America.

God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I watched the whole video. It was about time a Karen got shot. You know what I'm saying? Too much this going on, you know? People feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends, they were like, oh, shot by law enforcement?

Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, in the history of the show, I don't think we've ever really... And I know for a fact, we haven't seen anything quite like what's happening with the extremely hardworking,

unbelievably hysterical R.A. Maddie. I mean, you're growing. at a rate that's absolutely insane. You're using your momentum and star power. You just have momentum from the get. Every single thing is fucking hilarious. And we know you're hilarious, so the expectations are raised, and then boom.

I know, dude, the expectation. It's always a guy. The men love me. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. You have your own pressure. You're competing with only yourself out here.

It's absolutely incredible. Jim Norton, what do you, What do you do you do? Very, I mean, I like you. I know you and very funny, man. I love to see like the more confident, like every time I see you, it's more confidence, the material is really good, your paws. It's just, it's great to see.

I think you're very funny and I'm happy for you. Confidence has been an issue recently, Jim. Ooh. Why? So I'm a bit banging. Ooh. This girl. Boo.

Boo. It must be fun. So for a few months, I've been banging her in the right hole. Everything is correct. You never know. So yesterday, she tells me the whole time we've been banging a few months she hasn't come in even once. Oh.

Is she on Zoloft? Is she on Zoloft? God, it feels like you can betrayed. You know? So what are you going to do? Yeah, what did you do? So then I ask her, so is it even possible? She goes, yes, I come with a vibrator.

So I go, where is it? Then she goes, oh, I didn't want to bring it up, because usually when I bring it up, guys get insecure, you know. And it's, I don't give off, dude. Whatever we need. I can get a black guy here in 15 minutes. I don't give a fuck. Ladies, say what makes you come, dude.

The past four months I've been buying a lie. Insecure, fuck. It's technology, dude. I can't, you know. You think if a Mexican guy's digging a ditch and I fucking show up with a bobcat. You think he's gonna be like, oh, I'm useless. Bitch, I don't give a fuck, what do we need?

Was she acting like she was coming? Yes, drama, real good. Sydney, Sweeney shit. Shaking, shaking. The vibrations, they betrayed me. I know you, I know Jim doesn't know that feeling. You know Jim doesn't know that feeling. You know when your wife comes.

Oh, yes, I do. Ah! You hit my shoulder that time. Oh, shit. Oh my god. So did you get the vibrator and then try? Did you do it right then on the spot? She didn't had it there, but we're gonna try again.

Just fucking grab a Roomba and fucking call it night. Amazing. So are you looking forward to your revenge? Are you gonna... Yes, there will be revenge. I was thinking, I was even shopping for vibrators myself, dude. I was shopping for things where, dude, the battery isn't even enough. I was shopping for fucking tools.

I was shopping for things you can plug in the wall and the lights flicker, you know what I'm saying? Dude, I'm gonna... Next time she's over my place, dude, I'm coming with a chainsaw, dude. I got... Is it work? Oh my God. I mean, this is absolutely incredible. You've been all over the road lately.

How's that going? Yeah, wonderful club. Stand up live in Phoenix. Shout out, Rochester, Carlson. The clubs are so awesome. The people are awesome. If there are only more chicks, but yeah, it's like 500 rapists in a room.

You're yelling fag and you're crushing, dude. And that's ARI-Mattiecom. Ramiati.com, for the love of God, some of these shows are looking rough. I don't need this right now. No one's coming. I mean... Literally and figurately, fuck! R-E-Mati.com. M-A-T-I. Get your fucking ticket.

The great Estonian assassinari Maddie. One more time for him. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton, everybody? Jim Norton can't save you. Available everywhere. Unconceivable on YouTube and Jim Norton Comedy on YouTube. One more time for Ian Fidance, everybody. His new travel show, Ian Doo.

Available at YouTube.com under IanFidancecom and EANFidance.com for tour dates. Such a fun episode brought to you by you by you. Shopify. We are doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California, and May. So come out and see that. Wherever you are, if you can fly to L.A.

and see L.A. Or if you live anywhere near, L.A. come see a real, big ass, our biggest kill Tony of all time at the Intuit Dome. Red band. Check up my fake band, Cap Red 7 on YouTube.

Yes, and other huge announcements coming soon to this live audience. Thank you guys. We'll see you next week. Good night everybody. Thank you.