KILL TONY - #757 - JEREMY (ADAM RAY) + MATT RIFE

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

Matt Rife, Jeremy (Adam Ray), Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 02/16/2026 Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony get up for Tony! It's great! That's fucking night of their lives, huh? And everybody, you made it. You're here, you're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Blue Chew Talk Space and Shopify. We got a little hoot nanny in store for you.

How you guys feel in a night good? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus. ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to Tonyhencliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Kill Tony show in the Great State of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tony Hinchcliff.com, get tickets now.

Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Guys, every single week, I book one or two of the world's funniest human beings. one of the biggest comedians on planet Earth is with us tonight. One of my favorite humans, a guy who I can say, I've literally basically watched Grow Up over the past decade and a half, and now he is a phenom. One of the biggest in the world, one of the best in the world, one of my favorites.

Make some fucking noise for the one and only Matt Wright. Serena's. He's doing Jacksonville, Louisville. all over Matt Riceofficial.com. How's it going, buddy? Dude, good, man. Happy to be back in Austin for 48 hours. Thanks for having me.

You're such a relief on my eyes. I'm used to just... I'm used to looking at Red Band, and I get to look at you are just a specimen. Stop. Charming, good-looking. I mean, absolutely incredible. I'm in heaven here tonight.

This is hospitality. I love this. You're damn right. Always. We've had so much fun in the past. You know how the show works. I have a bucket with about 300 comedians names in it. It's absolutely incredible. I'm going to let this woman whose mother got kidnapped

a couple weeks ago pick the first name out of the bucket. Good for you. A little special treat. You're getting away from all the stress, having a night out of laughter. Good luck with all that, by the way. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you know how it works.

They get 60 seconds. uninterrupted. That means their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. You have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just loudly interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. You guys are ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well, we have a special treat for you guys. Normally this guy would close the show, but tonight he is opening the show. He is the record holder for all time, a on this show, all-time interviews. What a way to get things started. Some people call him the Vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.

This is indeed the one and only, William Montgomery. Give Epstein credit where credit is due. The guy had zero spam in his inbox. Meanwhile, Stubhubb emails me every hour asking, want to go to 17 concerts this weekend? I don't even get Viagra spam anymore. They're probably like, no, dog, this dude helpless.

Don't even waste a digital stamp. Okay. Quick housekeeping note, probably not the best timing, but when I was in Tucson recently, somebody stole my razor scooter, so, you know, any help from the local authorities would be greatly appreciated. Okay, that was that one.

Let's keep moving. So the mother of a morning show host goes missing and all y'all freak out. Where were y'all when the old blippy, went missing. Oh, look, new blippy. No explanation, no outrage. They replaced the blues host and we storm the Capitol. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Exactly. One minute of, I can only describe as pure insanity. Yeah, I was hoping the blippy stuff. I finally got some sort. I've been watching a whole bunch of blipy recently, Tony. It's a children's show and there's some new guy that is

not the original Blippy anymore, but nobody's talking about it. What's a blip... What is Blippy? Blippy is a character and a children's television show, and there's some new guy parading around is Blippy,

but it's not the same Blippy, and it just pisses me off. It's like the woman on the fucking Today Show her fucking mom's gone, and everybody's this uproar with everybody. And Blippy, are you looking at who blipy it? Yeah, we're trying to look up new blippy. We're trying to follow this conspiracy

of yours. Make some noise if you heard a blippy before William talking about it. Oh, wow. Look at that. Matt looks like me and you are too busy. If you don't have kids, you know what that is. You're a fucking freak. Yeah. That is true. That's great. Why are you watching this? I don't know. It makes me smile. It makes me laugh. I love it. It's better than toddlers and tiara's. I'd been watching that a bunch recently. Seriously. No, but in a sweet way, because I think if I ever have kids, If I ever have kids, I want them to do that, I think. So that's why I've been watching. You have kids I'm calling the police, dude.

See, that's sad. That's what my parents say as well. Seriously, it's sad. That's why I'm watching Blippy. It's a fantasy of mine. How many episodes of Blippy do you think you've watched, William? Buck, 30 or 40 the past week. What is it about...

I've been doing the row machine and then watching Blippy in the afternoon. Did you say this week? This week. Oh, my God. 40 episodes. Yeah, it's been really... It's been real weird, Tony. You can give us an example of some of the things that happen in an episode of Blippy.

Well, there was one where all the kids are on the playground and Blippy shows up. It was the new Blippie, and he starts kind of messing with some of the kids in a weird kind of way. He's touching some of them in their butt area. Seriously, the new guy is this freak kind of person, Tony. Is it Michael Jordan? Because he's black? No, no, no, no. You didn't see the video from last night from a...

Oh, yeah, no, I saw it, yeah. Oh, he's diddling, dude. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. But I guess if you're Michael Jordan, you're allowed to, it's okay. I think he gets one. Yeah. There is more than one actor who has portrayed blippy.

While creator Stephen John originated the role in 2014, actor Clayton Grimm took over the role for live tours and later appeared in videos, followed by Ben Mayer in other separate productions. The change was made to expand. Yeah, see, nobody's even talking about Ben Mayor, Tony. That's a third person you're talking about. I didn't even know about Ben.

There are three blippies. This is absolutely incredible. Red Band is shocked. It's very popular with many autistic children and adults. Wow. Red Band, how would you describe yourself? How would you say yourself? But I do love it.

I recently watched your, what is it, 12 hours of just cartoon noises and static noises. I watched that. That was a great new video of yours, Red Band. And fucking 12 hours of cartoon noises. That was genius. And you can do it when you're sleeping. Yeah, I was awake when I watched it.

It was really good. But it was 12 hours of that, Red Band. That's nuts. That's nuts, Red Band. Red Band specializes in making videos that help you fall asleep. It's a black screen with muffled cartoon sounds. You can also use any of the podcast that he does. Or any of his stand-up comes on in the background.

Oh. The Dolphins having sex. We get it. Do you always say that joke, dumbass? No, I'm kidding. It is a funny joke. People having sex with dolphins or whatever? It is a funny joke.

So let's talk about it. We went Epstein, Spam, Stubhubb. What was the joke in between the Epstein? I love the Epstein email. Being in Tucson, just quick housekeeping announcement, I need my Razor Scooter back because I was in Tucson when I was there. It was honestly, it was a couple months ago. I left my Razor scooter.

I had it locked up on a telephone pole outside of the comedy, and when I went back out there, it was gone. And nobody's helping me. You take your own personal razor scooter on the road with you? I've been doing it recently. I get really fast in the airports. I was flying in Chicago recently, Tony. So you use that as your carry-on?

Yes, I have it in my backpack. A razor scooter can go down and it goes out of your back. But I can't bring toenail clippers. You can have an entire fucking scooter in your carry-on. What do you mean you can't bring toenail clippers? You're kidding. No, you can't bring, like, you can't bring, like, small, sharp objects. You're bringing an entire blunt object on an airplane.

That is true. Razor scooter. That is a weapon. Especially with a guy walking through with a face like that. Like, oh, we can trust this guy. Nothing suspicious about him having a razor scooter. Yeah, but can have a razor scooter but not an actual razor. Interesting. Yeah, that's the time we live in. What else do you sneak through TSA? Give us an example of what's... I don't think I need to be talking about what I'm sneaking through TSA. Give us an example. Name some things that are in your carry-on bag. What else is in that bag?

How many of you want to know what's in Williams' backpack? Ooh. The world wants to know. Shit, Tony, I mean, a lot of the time I got a couple boxers in there, Tony! No, but what else? Wait, what was that? Boxers.

Like, boxers or boxer breed. Oh, yeah. Can you back up half a stuff? Sorry. Please. Thank you. Thank you. I have a bunch of cords in there, Tony,

for different charging stuff. Yeah, that one wasn't as well. Yeah, not that exciting. Okay, what else do you got in there, William? A whole bunch of marijuana, Tony! Whoa! I'm kidding, I never travel with that, really. You can, it's okay.

They don't care about that. What else? Always my notebook, Tony! Because I gotta look at my jokes on the set, so I gotta- Right. Come on, give us something that's a little off the beaten path. You have anything in that area in the front where it's like a bunch of little things,

kind of cranking. Are you thinking around in there? Oh, he's thinking hard. This is going to be good. And the oint, look at him thinking. This is what people that watch Blippy do with the microphone against their face. It makes them feel comfortable. Like a fire truck.

A lot of blippy family. Oh, my gosh. No, Tony, you know what I have been bringing? I got this really nice little Winnie the Pooh. Squishmello, a real small win. And I still put that at night. And I've been bringing that with me. God, help me, Tony!

All right. I'm starting to sweat up here. It's good. It's good for you to sweat sometimes. It's good for you. You've been rowing? Yeah, I'm up to 210,000 meters since the beginning of February. We're talking over 100, what, 120 miles or something?

I'm obsessively doing it now, so it's good. I feel good. I'm watching the kid shows. I'm doing fucking rowing. things are getting better. There's no better time for a successful person to be watching children's shows than right now. Nothing suspicious about it whatsoever.

If anyone out in Tucson sees a razor scooter. The green wheels. Green wheels. Yep. There you go. If anybody has it. I made Matt laugh on them. Return it.

Because it's so specific. The green wheels on there. It is shockingly specific. William, what a great way to start the show. Thanks so much for reading you. The legend, the Hall of Famer. Going up first. What a way to get tonight's show.

So you guys having fun already, huh? That's right. So now we slide over to our first bucket pool of the night. This is where things get interesting. This is where we meet people. This is the biggest moment of their lives, without a doubt. So it makes some noise for your first bucket pool. Monique Jones, everybody.

Here we go. That when you heard Monique Jones coming to the stage, this is not what you would. expected. I look like the lady who called the cops on Monique Jones. Dude, your Cabbage Patch kid grew up, right? Makes it easy to look me up. It's Monique Jones, and I'm the white one. I first became aware of the racial profiling of my name in high school from North Carolina. Anybody? From the South, hell yeah, grits, baby, what's up? How you doing? I went to meet my boyfriend's parents at his house and his mom answered the door. I said, hey, I'm

Monique Jones and she said, really? We were just talking about you over prayer. It's so nice to them to pray for me before they even met me. So nice. Get out the good napkin. She's the keeper. Okay. It's fucking racist. Hey. Hi, Monique. Welcome. Thank you. Good stuff. You've been on this show before, correct? I have. How long ago was that? This minute. 2018.

2018, that is indeed a minute. Dom Irera. It was on the show. Dom Iirah. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. It was awesome.

It was awesome. It was awesome. It was the main room. It was live, I believe, back then. 303. 2018? Wow. Look at that.

Amazing. Here we are. Here we are. It's fucking packed in here. We used to be able to sit there. Okay, enough about 2018. We're at 2026 now, you baddie bitch. Welcome to the present.

Here we are. So tell us, Monique, update us with your life. What's changed in the past eight years? I'm still sober. I had just gotten sober in 2017. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. I beat breast cancer.

Whoa. Amazing. I got a pop. This is all absolutely incredible because it looks like you have tits and you sound drunk. So this is amazing. Do I sound like my nose? No, I'm kidding, Monique.

Keep going. What else? I'm fucked up. I moved out here a couple years ago right after the surgery. Anyway, so now I'm... They took one of your boobs? They just took a lump. Lumpectomy.

Oh, okay. But then they took my hormones because they put you on those hormone pills that block your hormones. So I was a shell of myself. Until now, until now, you guys are like, fuck, this is a comedy show. Okay.

Anyway. I say you were a shell of yourself. What exactly do you mean? Imagine like zero hormones, non-detectable, and they give you drugs to block them because it was estrogen receptor positive, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, like, you can't get it. You don't want to get out of bed.

You want to fucking, I mean, just, and then one day you're like, oh, okay. And then I'd do some comedy, and then I was, anyway, it was just, you know. How did you get out of it? What I got you up? I started taking hormones again. Started to ungrateful. Some people pay good.

money for hormone blockers these days. Right. Yeah, no doubt about it. A lot of lumpectomies going on around. Right. Where do you live now, Monique? I don't recommend it. I'm here.

You live in Austin, Texas. How long ago did you move here? I moved here. End of 2023. Okay. Yeah. Have you been signing up for the show since then? I have.

Take a little break. It's been intermittent. I wasn't right out of it. I mean, I actually got here. I did some showcasing for Adam. I just, my body was not ready. That was a year and a half ago. You bombed in front of that and you're blaming your hormones on that.

Yes. Fuck yes, dude. I was like, but he called me back twice. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I've got a little bit of... Look at that. Sounds like you had one of the breasts out of the night.

All right. There's no getting that one back. That lump is gone. Okay. So, Monique, tell us about what you've been doing for fun. Give us something exciting about your life. life other than your lack of hormones and whatnot. I was going to, I was like thinking like, what do I say?

What am I going to talk about? I went to acting school with, sorry, now I'm going to forget, Paul Rudd and Adam Scott. So I thought that would be interesting to talk about. What year was that? That was like in 94 I graduated. Who? They graduated in 93 and 91. Wow.

I was born in 95. I know, dude. Oh. You're probably killing it. You could be my fucking kid, dude. Wow. That's a wild to think about. No, my mom's got huge tits.

Huge, huge tits. I guess, cancer-free tits. I guess the funny skipped a generation with this family over here. Oh, no, Monique, you're funny. My name was Monique. I'd have a great first joke, too. You gave me on that show. I look like the lady you would call the cops on Monique Jones.

You're exactly right. So technically I wrote your one good joke for you. There you go. Eight years ago, and it's still working. I thought I did quit for you. Hell yeah. Monique, any other crazy fun fact about your life that we'd find interesting about you? My first roommate in that school of the American Academy was Tim Conway.

stepdaughter. It's pretty cool. Tim Conway? Uh-huh, sure. It's an old reference. And stepdaughter. Yeah. It's like a direct relative. Well, it's a kill-tony crowd. Monique's a rough interview. I'm like, what's interesting about you? She's like, I want Uber drove for blippy number three. I'm a massage therapist. Oh. Oh. Okay. Now Red Band's going to invite you to the Secret Show on Thursday.

Congratulations. Got something out of this. I've got something out of them. I snatched Oliver Stone for two years. Whoa, really? Yeah. Wow. Oliver Stone is the director.

Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. In Los Angeles. Monique, over here. I don't know why you keep fucking looking over there. How bad of an actor can you be to massage a famous director and still not got work? That's a great point.

I don't know that for sure. I don't know that for sure. That is a great point. You're talking about Oliver Stone, the director? Yeah, yeah. What did he direct? I was not trying to get acting work from Oliver I was trying to just stay a massage therapist.

Mistake number one. You're exactly fucking right, dude. He's right. I wasn't trying to get that kind of work, though. But no, I should have fucking, yeah. I didn't. What did he direct? Red band said JFK.

Natural born killers, I do believe. There's some good ones. It's a little, it's a little. Yeah, JFK is a good one. But here did that come out? He's still direct. He's like one of the most famous directors. I mean, he was smart.

You watch this, I will jerk you off. Yeah. He was smart enough to be one of the few directors in Hollywood that would let something like this give a massages instead of a, instead of children or whatever they were doing. Oliver Stone, Red Band's typing in Oliver Jones. And now he's officially typed in Oliver Stones, plural, everybody. So if you're looking, there you go.

There you go. Thanks, Red Beam. Yeah. Oh, the doors. The doors was a good one. He contributed to Scarface, but I don't think he directed it. But it says Scarface, they're giving him credit for. But that was directed by, what's his fucking name?

Alma. That's right. OK-dokey. Well, uh, Monique, Fun Times. Here's a medium-sized joke book from Bonsai. Boom. There you go. Hey, caught it right against.

The quarter tit. There goes Monique, everybody. This is Kill Tony. It has begun. All right. To the bucket we go. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Two blonde bombshells at once. I can't handle this. I thought it was William again for a second. He scared the shit out of me. Well, this seems too good to be true, everybody, because we've seen this guy before. This must be different than the name. because this guy's a legend on this show,

if this is who I think it is. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeremy? A little bit about me. Recently, I tried to get a job at Burger King, but the coaches going to me was within 500 feet of a school, so I guess I can't have it my way. And that's what's up.

Been doing a lot of Legos recently. Give it up. Yeah, they show you on the box what it's supposed to be when you finish it, but a friend of mine told me you can turn anything into tities. Thanks, Red Band. I'm single. Toby McGuire's not single. Toby McGuire's 50 years old.

He's a 20-year-old. When asked to comment on the situation, Batman said, So I guess Spider-Man isn't a gay guy. Dreamgirl is Erica Kirk. I'm thinking about shooting my shot. No, she's fucking, she's fucking, she's hot. Man, she fucking got over him quick.

She was like, she was sad for two days, and then she was like, it's all good. And then she was like, who wants to merge? My mom took my Pokemon cards when I was seven. I still haven't forgiven that bitch. And that's what's up. My mom's boyfriend, Jerry, fuck him. I hope he dies in his sleep.

He's always calling me a virgin. I'm like, that's not what your fleshlight said last night. No, but I can't wait to have sex. I can't wait to do intercourse. I already know what flavor I want. Super duper black. But not like Hallie Berry or Queen La Chifa. I want that fucking girl on TikTok

who seems to Dr. Pepper, baby. It's good and nice. Lulu. That's what's up. I'm a fucker. She's going to be like, Jeremy's got a sweet dick what he comes too fast.

Dooloo. All right. Fuck, that sucks. I got a few others, but I was nervous if I could do you real quick. I used to ride scooters in Austin, but then I got hurt. When a bunch of kids pointed out my helmet and called me a pussy. Now I take the bus. Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back of the bus,

which is crazy because that's the best place to match the... Okay. You guys, you guys see Bill Gates got an STD on FCN Island? He should have downloaded some antivirus software. That's what's up. You got to see that Michael Jordan video? Oh, Matt Rife was talking about Michael Jordan video. He got, dude, he got fucking, he was at Daytona 500,

fucking just going like fucking, he was like, I know Scotty Pippen, just a little kid. It's so fucking weird. What's with all these Michael's touching fucking butts? Michael Phelps is sitting at home like, I'm gonna just stay in the pool. I've been watching the Olympics. Don't let the media lie to you.

The Jamaican bobs team fucking dog shit. They'd be Jamaican a bunch of machines. mistakes out there. Shit, Nikki Menaz is the Trumper. It's all good. All politics aside, I still banger. That ass is a bipartisan issue.

And that's what's up. Keep it going for Red Band. More like breadpan, you fat bitch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Fuck, I love you, Red Band. Fuck, I'm sorry. Uh, shit, what else?

Rosa Parks, Cope McGuire. Goem going for William Montgomery. That's one of my favorite comics of all the time, William Montgomery. William Montgomery looks like Kathy Griffin, fuck Peter Griffin, and gave birth to Blake Griffin. And that's what's up.

That's my time. Thank you so much, everybody. Wow. Jeremy is back. My heart is fucking pounding. Wow. We have watched Jeremy make his comedy debut on this show. We've seen him.

Super fucking nervous. He's been on panel once before, and now he's back. You signed up tonight, Jeremy. What brings you to Austin, Texas? So I live in San Antonio. And quick drive down. My mom's boyfriend and Jerry had some work to do. I was like, he's talking to me, so I got in the car.

And I said, fucking Uncle's sign up for Kill Tony. And I did not expect to be called, to be honest with you. This is fucking... What did you pull out of your fanny pack? Oh, I recently got into these astronaut ice cream bowl. They're high in protein just in case Gail King and Katie Perry are like, yo, Jeremy, you won't go to space tonight?

I'll be like, fuck yeah, I got some fucking trees. That's a real space bar? Space and ice cream bar. Oh, it looks berry. Matt Rife, I know you don't fucking eat shit like this, but you want some? Yeah. Is it real?

No, it's fucking not. Oh, fuck, you are funny, dude. So, me this doesn't feel fucking fake, dude. No way, these are real. They were everywhere. They were six bucks, dude. It's got to be real. Jeremy, you take a bite

before you kill the great Matt Rife. Cheers? Cheers, baby. Wow. This is your diary. I just tears. I just tears ice cream sandwiches with Matt fucking Rife.

Oh, this. That fucking sucks. You want that? You don't have to eat that. What is that? Is that okay? 80% of fentanyl. Oh, yeah.

That's wild. Jeremy, what else do you got in that? And you guys want to see what Jeremy has in his fanny pack? I'm so glad you ask. Here's the thing. It's not that bad. Really?

For real? It's not that bad. Oh, shit. Dude, NASA's so pumped right now. NASA. NASA. I heard you. Oh, all right.

So I got a tiny box of city critters. What are like mini animals in case you're bored. You've got like raccoons in here and shit. What exactly are, do those two? Oh, my goodness. Dude, I've been into like three parties. And every time I'm sitting around a party wall, it's like, this fucking place, this fucking vibe.

sucks. Everyone's fucking. And I'm just sitting there playing my sake of game gear, you know, listening to some sugar A and then there'll be some fucking girl next me and she's like, so what do you do for work? And I'll be like, fucking, I'm a snake guy, you know? She's like, oh shit, and her boobs.

Her boobs, boom, bab, bab, boob, bo, bab, bo, bab. So, what else? Oh, Kuchfall? How many times you've been sitting around, it's been like, fucking, I'm so fucking bored. And they just go,

boop fucking not bored anymore it's amazing you have so many fun things oh I got this is a buck at buckies it's a fucking it's like a match gate ball it's got you press it says yes try again maybe so go ahead

you want to ask you want to ask me a question yeah how is your day today is it going well okay fucking how could that even be on there.

No. Fucky, thanks for set me up for that. So that's fun for parties and shit. Can I? Can I? Dr. Pepper Tic Tacs? Whoa. I didn't know.

They made that girl. I didn't know they made those. Well, you gotta get on Google, Tony. They got pretty much everything. Dr. Pepper Tic Tacs? Yep, they're good and nice. Cinnamon toothpicks, big toothpick guy in 2026. Oh, okay.

Wow, Jeremy, this is absolutely incredible. Little fucking bag in case you gotta like, you wanna be a good, you know, you pick up some shit or something. Austin, you know, Austin, the game I always played when I go outside in six straight, I go, is that real, is that real shit? Or fucking, you know, it's that, or it's that, is that calm, you know?

So then you grab it and you, what then what do you do? How do you find, how do you find, how do you find, find out if it is real shit or not. I don't want to answer that. I pick it up. Try to clean the streets. And then I got Advil just in case I get a lot of heartburn, headaches, migraines.

You take Advil for heartburn? Yeah, and I get, uh, it's not, I don't say the boners are, you ever see those commercials where it's like, if your erexion is lasted more than four hours, you're fucking, you know, you're probably black, you know. But, uh, but there, my, I, I, Last doctor I went through, he was like, Jeremy, you got to take an abvil for your heart, your cholesterol.

And, like, I get random boners and stuff. And, like, I'm only 38, so I'm like, fucking, that's what's up. But I don't want to be, you know, it's just, I don't know. I probably take too many pills, but, wow. Matt, right, if you take pills, you take supplements and stuff, right? Dick pills? Or? Supplements, like, vitamins and stuff?

No, not really. All natural, huh? All natural. What's up? I'll pop to him or two, though. Who? Hymns? Hems?

Who's that? You never taking the pronoun pills? No. Oh, dude, they're so good. You guys ever take a Hymns pill? Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Pretty funny. Pretty funny, you guys. Pretty funny to not actually, you know what that is. Pretty funny. Better than Hymns is Blue Choo. If you guys really want to. Blue Choo, it happens to be tonight's sponsor. No, I'm saying.

That's why I brought it up. Shop of Ice. So if you're wondering what he said before when that beep happened, it was the N-word, everybody. Matt said the end. We're not kidding. I'm kidding. You have to say I'm kidding now.

We're like a conspiracy theory. You'll start. Anyway, Jeremy, I gotta tell you, you are so interesting. And even though I have one of the biggest comedians in the world right now here, I think, you know, I've always loved you, Jeremy. I've always considered you part of the family. I don't know what it is. You remind me of somebody that I maybe have an unbelievable working relationship with. Would you guys think we should have Jeremy join on panel

for the rest of the episode, huh? Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Come on, Jeremy, get over here. Wow. Come on, Jeremy. Joining for the rest of the show, Jeremy, everybody.

Wow. Wow. You got fucking snakes! Oh! Oh, Red Band's good. Oh, he's pretty much. Sorry, Dee. Red Band figured out the one stupid thing

could have done with that snake. Oh, don't do it at the blind guy. It was super funny. Luckily, Dee's laughing. What's up, Dee? Not much. She still looking at me? No.

No. Well, Jeremy, we're going to get back to this bucket. We had Monique Jones on earlier. William Montgomery. Seems like you're all caught up. Don't touch me. What a great. What a great panel, I mean.

Walking Matt Ryfewed. This is incredible. When I met you, I looked like this. So long I've known you. So you're saying it gets better? Yeah. All right. That's what's up.

10, 15 years? You could look exactly like that, Jeremy. Or Red Band. I'll take either, though. I'll take either. We're going to get another bucket pull up here. How about one more time for Jeremy, everybody. Your next bucket pole has to follow that.

Not easy to do. We're going to meet them all together. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Fink, everybody. One minute uninterrupted for Anthony Fink. What's up, Austin? I'm not a really smart guy. I've had two disengagement in my life. My last ex, she broke up with me because she had a yeast infection.

And, yeah, she really loved this joke for two reasons. One, because I kept bringing up the fact but she had a yeast infection. The second reason was because while she was going through it, I kept chasing around the house, asking her what kind of bread she was making. Like, is it sourdough? Then she'd get mad.

I'd be like, well, you're definitely being a bit of a sour puss. I know you're tired of these bread jokes, much like her. She got over them pretty fast. Just a real gluten for punishment. Like I said, I'm not really a smart guy. I usually think Lance and Neil Armstrong were the same guy until about 2009.

Yeah, nobody else? Okay. Got a crowd full of liars. Okay. I don't have time to finish it. That'll work right there. Wow. All right. Anthony Fink.

Anthony, do you have a hilarious stuff in your fanny pack by any chance that could help this? I took it backstage. Anthony, how long you've been doing stand-up? Five to seven years. I took a few years off during COVID, but I started back. When you say a few, did you perhaps mean five to seven years? Yeah, five to seven. It's more like it.

How often do you perform? How often do you get on stage? These days, just like two to three times a week. How come? You know, just didn't get back in the swing of things until recently, so just kind of working my way back. What happened? Why did you take a break?

A couple of reasons. Well, one COVID shut everything down, and then waiting for it to come back, work kind of got in the way. What do you do for work? I don't work there anymore. I was working for Lockheed Mark. Martin. Wow.

What were you doing there? I was working on the production line. Nothing. No alien or cool stuff. Don't worry, guys. Nothing cool at Lockheed. There's no big secrets. But I was just...

Nobody thinks you're doing anything cool. Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Don't worry. I didn't think so. So Lockheed Martin took a lot of your time and your energy, and now you're getting back in a stand-up slowly at about two or three times a week. Yep. And you just did...

My girlfriend has a yeast infection. jokes and closed it out with a big Lance and Neil Armstrong because they have the same last name, but no real connection. You just said that you thought they were the same person, and you called the audience liars. I feel like everyone else has made that misconception. I'm not the only person, right? Has anyone else?

Nope. Yeah, I mean, they both have the last name Armstrong. Let's talk about your life, Anthony. Give us something interesting about you. Interesting. I speak six different languages. Wow, you can bomb in six different languages? Incredible.

What are the six languages? I do English, Spanish, German, Chinese. Can you do like a mash-up? Like a German-Japanese, like a German-Japanese? Chinese-German? Some type of Asian fusion? Like a... Like a...

Moistak? I'm mine some Zin-Wir-Stok. Wow. I don't know enough to call bullshit. Yeah. I don't think any of us do. Spanish and German. What did you say?

Ola, como istaz? And Kamenzumzimson-Wrestart just means together we are strong in German. Gay. No, that's what's up. That's a sweet sentiment. That's a sweet sentiment. I just got called gay by the guy with blonde bleach hair. No, that was Jeremy the call.

No, that was me. I was being nice. Sorry, Matt. Any time. And if Matt... I was doing a Matt Rife impression. No, it's okay. So tell us, what is your love life like?

Do you have a girlfriend right now? Yeah. Yeah, I do, surprisingly enough. She lives in New York. She's a black woman. Hell yeah. Whoa. She's making pumpernickel.

Yeah. Yeah, yes. That is the Black East infection joke. Zing. There you go. Good, pumper nickel. I think we just pulled a Monique for him. I think Matt Rife just wrote your joke for you.

Good. There you go. Thank you. That's the joke. Where'd you meet her? On Hinge. Yeah, she lived in Dallas at the time, and we met at a Deluca pizza place. You met, like, you met online and then at a pizza place, so you ran into each other at a pizza.

Yeah, we met on Hinge, messaged a couple times back and forth, and then got something. Then what happened? So you're eating pizza? What kind of pizza did you get that day? Do you remember? I got to, dude, I treat DeLuca like at C.C. pizza and I had like 25 slices and leaving the crust on the table like an absolute

piece of shit and... Yeah, you ate it on stage here tonight too. I sure did. How about her? Do you remember what kind of pizza she got? It's like a buffet style, so it's kind of really hard to say. They have everything from like basics to

a bunch of unique ones. It's like a... Unique is her sister's name? Okay, dokey. Anthony. So how long? How long have you been with this black girl? It's been a year and three months.

What does she do for work? She is a communications director for a tech company. Is there something that you realized when having sex with your black girlfriend that is different than having sex with a white woman? Can you tell this audience, especially Jeremy really wants to know. And if you have any sort of video proof, that would be fucking awesome. Funny you should mention that. Oh, no. I'm very serious.

Get with me after the show. I got you. Let's go. I got you. Yeah, no, a big difference would just be way more cheeks. That's for sure. It's warmer. What does that mean?

That's true. That is a fact. What's warmer? I think that's what I'm trying to ask. Yeah. What's warmer? Yeah, like... The inside of the vagina's.

The inside. Yeah, like the whole thing. Even the outside. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Why is the outside also warm? Well, there's a couple reasons.

Yeah, that's a good question. They absorb the sun. Too much vitamin D will do that to you. It's from all the perineum sunbathing. Okay, dokey. Oh, wait a fucking suck the energy out of that. Anthony, you said funny you mentioned that, like you might actually have a sex tape out there.

Have you guys recorded yourselves having sex? Yes. But it's only for your own personal viewing? No, no, it's... You guys made a porno? Yeah, it's out there. Where can people find this at? Red Band, you've got it pulled up.

Oh, shit. You just got snaked. Oh, shit. Oh, here it comes. Oh, shit. Whoa, different pouch. No. Walking Red Band. Whoa.

Oh, my goodness. Sorry, Dee. See, there's a snake on the lose. All right. Okay, so is it really out there? Did you really make a porn? Can you at least describe the porn to us? Are you playing a character?

Is it just like, hey, what's up? No, it's not great. Like, we don't have a production crew like this. Didn't you go to acting school with Paul Rudd in 94? Do I look that old? How can people find it? How what? How can people find the sex tape?

It's out there. What would it be labeled under? It's on Reddit. It's on Dashboard Confession. Because you look like the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional. Okay, nobody fucking knows who that band is. That fucking sucks. Hey, you're vindicated.

Okay. All right. One person got that. It's going to be able to see Anthony's finest work. What was the coolest movie did in the tape? Like, what was like, because I haven't done it. So, like, what's the, if I'm going to make a sex tape, what's the opening move? It's, uh, the opening move on the sex tape?

Well, what was the highlight of the sex tape? Let's ask that. Coming. That was the best part of the sex tape. sex tape. It was mostly just POV close up, so no really good moves to really see. Just, uh... Yeah, I don't know that I want to see him. Yeah, it's got to keep our faces out of it, you know?

Yeah, I've never jerked off the Danny Masterson before. That would be kid porn, so you wouldn't want to do that probably. That is... You do be looking like that. No doubt about it. Do people tell you that a lot? I've gotten it lately, yeah. I've gotten the... Are you going for that? Because it seems like... No? No, I'm not

going for it, but I have been getting it lately. I don't know if it's the sideburns of the yellow glasses, but... Or the real rapy vibe. Maybe it's that. You ever think about that? Yel are so safe with me. Y'all are so safe. Not you. You're safe. You're definitely safe. Anthony, let's try again another time. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Anthony Fink. We're going to keep it moving along.

I tried. I tried with that one. All right, let's meet somebody else. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for J.P. Leonard, everybody. Oh, there's Heidi. Makes noise for Heidi, everybody. J.P. Leonard.

I am from Louisiana, Cajun Country. Settle down. And everyone wants to come to Cajun Country. They want to see all the stuff we have. And I'm like, look, I live there. My favorite place closed during COVID. And that wasn't an all-you-can-eat-Papes buffet. That's right.

I don't know if you know this. Lafiel, Louisiana's home to the only Popeye's buffet in the world, and it was beautiful. Full menu, fried chicken, white meat, dark meat, all the sides you can have and all the biscuits and ketchup you can fucking eat. And people ask me, was it good? And I'm like, you shut your damn mouth. And then I look him in the eyes and I tell them, in May 2018, world-class chef Anthony Bourdain came to laugh yet to fill an episode of his TV show. And he ate at that Popeye's buffet three days in in a row. And less than six weeks later, he killed himself. So was it good? You got damn right,

it was good. All I'm saying is, how do we get Bobby Flato Waffle House? So, all right, that's it. Okay, 56 seconds of J.P. Leonard. J.P., you look like you're new here, right? I am. First time, yeah. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? A little over 10. 10 years. Where at? Lafayette, Louisiana. Okay. You've been there the whole time. You still live there? Yep. I run a scene out there. Nice. You have a family? Yeah, I do. Wife, two kids, two dogs, three cats. Wow, look at that. Yeah. I love it. I love it. What do you do for work?

I'm education, so I work from home now, so virtual school. Nice, virtual school. What are you teaching? Not, I do special ed stuff, IEPs, all that good stuff. Oh, Jeremy, this may be one of your... You speak my language. I also love Popeyes. I know. Good to see you again, though. Good to see you again, though. Yeah. One of your former great teachers.

Yeah. Yeah, I definitely did. I did all that shit all the way through grade school. I mean, I was one of the more advanced, you know, everybody was like chewing on shit, and I was like... What's fucking... Yeah, you can swallow. Yeah.

What's that? You can swallow, so... I can swallow. What? Okay, keep going. All right. I might be a virgin, but I'm still like girl... Yeah.

What the fuck that was that? None, none. I'm just... No? JP, can you get him, Tony. JP, can you give us an example of times where you've noticed something funny while teaching special ed online? I didn't teach for long, so I do like IEPs and stuff, and I was the supervise. With IEPs?

Like the plan, Jeremy, you got it. The plans for special education kids, you know. Oh. It's like the document, yeah. But I was an assistant principal before that. I've kind of been everything. So mostly out the classroom my whole time. Okay.

Is it easy doing that for the special ed industry? Because like... I would call them. industry but yeah it's I mean they're not on the Dow but uh you know they're on the dirr you said it amazing no man I loved it I mean I did teach for a couple years and then moved into supervisor roles and everything but yeah I love education's been 23 years I've been doing wow that's great that is just great Jeremy I have to know any any of the kids ever try to fucking fight you no

I've been good. I was cool. I was a cool teacher at the time I taught. But did anybody ever like fucking just off their meds on the spectrum just fucking come for you? No. Did you ever take self-defense? Like, did you ever think about like what if? Because you always got to be in any sort of supervisor role, you got to play

the what if game, right? Yeah, you do it's called CPI training, crisis prevention, so you try to de-escalate the thing. All right. Hit me with some music real quick, fellas. Yeah, let's see what happens. Let's say it's a little crisis school. Let's say... Let's see if you remember your CBI. Here's Jeremy. Let's say you're at a fucking ATM machine, so you're trying to get some cash out.

And I just got, I just got done getting Taco Bell, and I realized I was a little short on cash, and I got to get some money to go back to get the fucking nachos, right? Okay. And you're at the machine, and all of a sudden... And here we go. Wow, look at... Hey, brother, fucking give me a fucking gun!

Or give me a... I have a fucking gun. Fuck! Wow. So, all right, so... Okay, here we go. You got a little... I got to get more money? All right.

Hey, um, do you mind if I borrow a $5 bill? No, you go sit. I was just kidding, suck my dick! What do you do? I won't suck your dick, and you just go sit down. Okay, yeah. It fucking works. I mean, hey, hey, wow, way to fucking improvise, dude.

Crisis prevented. Without a doubt. I've never had that much spit on my ear, so it was kind of weird, you know. Well, that's not the first time before I had that. Oh, boy. From the kids, they spit. JP, how long have you been with your baby mama? We made 22 years in December married.

Wow. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? How do you keep things exciting? We role play. Really? Yeah. Can you give us an example of some things that you've done? Yeah, so the latest one, I act as like cartoon characters.

So my new character, I'm doing the children's level of donkey, E. Oh. Yes. This is gold. And who is she in this? She's just herself. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. She likes donkeys.

I love it. Who doesn't love a good old donkey dickin? Yeah, I mean. So can you give us an example of how you come in the room when you're donkeying it up? I walk on two legs because I was trained. And then, you know, she wants to do stuff. And I'm like, okay.

Oh, yeah. And I'm like, I guess we can do that position. Okay. And she keeps going and I'm like, I've never done anal. Oh, oh, look, poo. All right, so we need the poo joke. All right. Yeah.

How do you come as you're? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, you know. Also buckets, loads. Oh, you're a donkey. It's got to be, you know, you gotta go fucking hard, dude. I'm, I'm pretty mellow. So you must have, I get that vibe. Got into the same acting school as Monique.

Not a lot of commitment there. Uh, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life, J.P. Leonard. You seem like you've seen a lot. Lafayette, Louisiana is a crazy place. Yeah, it sits there. It's interesting. No, I mean, other than in comedy, you know, run shows, produce shows,

do a lot of podcast editing. And if I'm at home, I just like a good cigar, a good glass of whiskey, and share a rotisserie chicken with my dogs on the back patio, you know. Hell yeah. Look at you. A real, just good old American man. Yeah. Living the life.

I love it. Anything else for JP? gentlemen. Too mellow. Yeah, there's got to be something going on. Like, you can't just be like,

I just like, chicken and hanging out. Like, what's... That's what I do. No, there's something fucked up going on here, dude. No, I'm pretty,

what is it? Your whole set was about a Popeye's buffet. Yeah. Highlight of your interview was rotissory chicken. I used to be a really fatter dude, so,

you know. Oh. Yeah, I lost like 80 pounds of the last year, so. Oh, that's where all this company is coming out. Yeah. Is it Ozempic?

No, I couldn't afford Exempic, so I got the bootleg stuff, but, you know. Oh, nice. Just eating right, you know, and working out, I guess. All right. You don't have to look at my pecks. Do you, say it again?

You don't have to look at my pecks when I said that. No, you look good. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I bet you swallow. Fritisserie chicken, yes. Sure, if that's what you want to call it. Do you ever have, does your wife ever like? Because, you know, I've, my, you know, my, my, my boyfriend, Jerry is always like, you know,

your mom I've been fucking for a while so like at some point we're gonna mix it up bring somebody else in the bed does your wife ever suggest that or do you ever get I always feel that that's like coming in a marriage where it's like you gotta fucking spice things up bring somebody else into the

no the biggest thing I did I got a vasectomy so that's it so that's it prove it all right give me a cup all right oh shit gross JP fun times here's a medium

joke book nice to meet you buddy all right make the trip again see another mess This is a one-word name coming at you right now. So anything can happen here. What we've learned from many years of the show

is one-word names can be a little bit more wild than two-word names. So make some noise for Kyle, everybody. One word, Kyle. So the last, like, since, for like an hour, I was talking to a real comic. And he was telling me, like, dude, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

Like, coming up onstage your first night. I'm like, well, shit, I don't want to do that. And, dude, here we are, of course. But, like, my minute, I don't know when it started, but, like, when you come to sign up for this, you're like, why do you think you would be good? And I'm like, well, you're right. I don't think I'd be good. And I just, like, I heard there's this, like, exquisite joy for,

from like failing, like public humiliation that you can't get anywhere else. And I'm here right now. Experiencing that. Kyle was somehow the best bucket pool set of the night. No preparation whatsoever. Wow, so this is your first time ever attempting stand-up. I love it.

Welcome, Kyle, welcome. Straight from the Vietnam War. It's incredible. Afghanistan. This is going to be a hell of an interview. I don't see how we can fail here, Kyle. So tell us what made you want to start stand-up comedy today? Okay.

The answer I was going to give to the guy. You just have to give the honest answer, but go ahead. What my one minute was was like, my life's too tragic. Okay. My life is too tragic to be taken seriously. Like, by the way I look. Oh my God. Jesus.

Yeah. It's okay. Where's his scooter, dude? You heard about it? It's right over there. You can't miss it. Again, not only were you one of the more genuine sets, you're also one of the better looking bucket pools that we've had here tonight.

So, welcome to the Kill Tony Universe. Okay, stick with me here, Kyle. What have you been doing with your life this entire time? You could just ramble it all off at once. Well, I was talking to another comic about that. Again, you don't need to reference other conversations. You could just answer the questions directly. I live in the woods in Oklahoma.

Perfect. In a cabin. Okay. Are you on the run from something? Like, wildlife? What the fuck does that mean? Are there a bunch of moose that are trying to get fucking money out of you or something?

In Oklahoma. In Oklahoma. Oklahoma, Matt. Oklahoma moose. It's not a joke. There's... Nobody did you get it, dude. What the fuck? Go ahead.

Elks, mostly. Elks. Okay. What made you move to a cabin in Oklahoma? Family trust. We have a trust up there. Me and my dad built it when I was like nine. Okay.

And is your dad still alive? Yeah. Okay, so you hang out with your dad? I hang out in the woods by myself pretty much. By yourself, your dad's not there anymore? He's like, he has a law firm in Dallas. Your dad has a law firm in Dallas. Okay.

And he built you a cabin in Oklahoma and said, here you go, kid. You stay here. Yeah. Yeah. If you need a roommate, I am free. Because I'm in an Airbnb in fucking San Antonio right now. It's not key.

I know I'm like kind of alone in this, but I love my dad. He's awesome. Yeah. Like the smartest guy I've ever known. Okay, Jeremy. He don't need to start applause, brings for loving your dad. I don't know mine.

You hate Jerry's. You hate Jerry. He's except my mom's boyfriend. I don't have a dad. Do you want me to fucking... Relax. Relax. Okay.

Kyle, have you ever, you have a job? No, fuck now. Look at you. You are dressed like a guy that doesn't have a job. Have you ever had a job? Have you ever had a job? Okay. You would say yes at that part into the microphone, Kyle.

My last job was at 7-Eleven. Okay. I could love that place. I worked there for like two weeks and then... You ever commit any crimes? Well, I was trying to get back in the Army and then... Project into the tip of that microphone. You have to talk a little bit louder.

You don't... to cup it. You can just talk. You don't have to do that. Just talk. Like a grown-up into the tip of the mic. What was the question again? Have you ever committed any crimes? No violent crimes.

No. Okay. You ever steal any kick hats? Do my... Very specific question, Jeremy? You're asking these complicated questions. You're stealing any valor? No.

When you were in the woods, did you ever see a fucking snake? Sorry, dude. Kyle, there are any ladies out there in the woods? What do you do for fun? fun. Like, what do you, how do you... Can you... I do bird calling. Okay, let's hear some bird calls. Thank God Almighty. We got something out of them. Here we go, with some bird calls.

Falcon. Is that a falcon? It's just a general call I do to all birds. Do you know any other calls, bird calls? Uh, that's... Female falcon. Female falcon.

We... Jeremy is a bird specialist. Wait. Kyle, I'm gonna ask you again, what made you come down to Austin, Texas for this? Do you know what this, have you ever watched the show or something? When you're that bored in the woods, like, I just do shit, like, drive 500 miles on a scooter

and I'm like, this is kind of fun. You were on a scooter? Yes, a scooter I drove. Did you find this scooter in Tucson, Arizona? Green wheels? No, I bought it in Plano, Texas. Thank you. Sorry.

People that appreciate a good draw back there. Wait, like, dumb and dumber style, you fucking came all the way here? Yeah. Let's go, dude. All right. You ever ridden a train? Yes. Steam engine?

Not a steam engine. Should try it. I want to. Do you love it. I would. I think you'd love it. How'd you know I was autistic about trains? Because you look like a conductor from a kid show.

That is true. That is true. Fuck it. Looks like you could be the... That's actually my dream job right now. Okay. All right, Kyle. I recommend preparing for this,

writing, memorizing your set, and signing up again sometime. Come back, sign up again. I'm going to send you back to Oklahoma with a little joke book. I think you've got to give Jeremy a snake back. Here you go.

There you go. Boom. There you go. All right, there he goes. Welcome to Kiltz. Will you let this fucking guy go? What? the fuck is going on?

I felt bad. He was just going to take it. And I was like, he's by himself. Maybe he could talk to it. But then I was like, I really fucking want, I didn't want to give it away. I heard Jeremy say, I paid for it. I think what the fuck?

It's 7-Eleven, ironically. Unbelievable. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. We love this guy around here. He's so different than everybody else. Here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody.

This, by the way, is Little Kwame. I've been sponsoring this little guy in Africa for the last three years at 99 cents a week. And unbeknown to me last March, my credit card expired. So, he's dead. No worries, his family's still getting a little bit of money. They sold his shrunken head to a tourist. I love America, right?

It's the only place you can go to work, especially Olive Garden, start your shift as a chef and end up as a head chef. Thank you. First of all, one of my favorite jokes of the night. How about a hamburger Winston Pickles? But let's talk about that olive garden joke at the end. Chef, head chef. What do you mean? A guy just fried his head committed suicide.

Oh, got it. Got it. Oh, that did, yes. And you... Red band's flag is at half staff for that. He's a huge olive garden fans. a rough week for you. All of Garden Guy killed himself in the deep friar. Ann Wendy's are closing. 400. 400 locations.

Wait. Why? No, they're downsizing and they're trying to redo their menu, make it cheaper because of the economy and all that. Five letters. I'll mean you'll be downsizing. What? Redpan will be downsizing. That's true.

He's going to be down 400, too. All right, Sir Winston Pickles, amazing, amazing material. Explain to the people what the half and half is. I don't know if everybody can see exactly what's going on there, but... I actually saw this lady in Tucson last week. Nancy Guthrie. You saw her in Tucson? Yeah, she was on a razor scooter.

That is Nancy Guthrie on the side of a half and half. Well, somebody's got a new thing because the FB isn't. That is true. Nothing's happening, it seems. Sir Winston Pickles is back. Jeremy, this must be very exciting for you. Yeah, this is a real treat. I am afraid of clowns, but you're super fucking funny, dude.

Do you do you, don't do birthday parties or do you? No, none of that shit, no. Okay. Where are you from? England. Let's go. Which part? Yorkshire.

The Harry, is that the Harry Potter part or? No, no. How long did you? Oh, it's just a. You ever, you ever, you're thinking of the question right now? I've got it. Just don't know how to ask it. When I said, I'm afraid of them.

What's, uh, when you're having, so Virgin, let's get out of the way. When I do do it, does it help to look like that? Like, when you get to do it, do you fucking say like that or do you fucking change it, change it up? When I do walk? When, do I need to fucking act it out? Like, when you fucking, when you, when you get to, when you get to fucking. fucking... Fucking...

Fucking. Maybe... Maybe... use your word. Yeah, just when you get to fucking do intercourse and shit. Yeah, close I do. You stay like that? Encouraged so, yes.

Let's go. Yes. Do you have a little squeaky toys? Yes. Squeaky toys, yes. Let's go. All right, that's it. Matt?

Well, how far do you go with the paint? Is it full body? Just finish your chest. Okay. Yes. That makes sense. You black under there? Yes. I'm hiding from ice.

Yeah. Black people can do that. Black people can do white face. Really? Yeah. Cool. The other way around you got a problem. It's true. Or a career. Yeah. You do any tricks? No. The fuck?

I don't own three of anything at home just to deter jugglers. Well, we got news for you if you want some tricks. We got Jeremy right here. Yeah, there's only one trick. So, all right, so close your eyes. Imagine you're on a beach right now. Give me some beach music, guys. Here we go. You're on a super, super sexy beach, right?

And there's nobody there. It's just a lot of drums. I don't know if that's beach music. Yeah, it's Caribbean beach. And there's a lot of people that are out there, a lot of big-ass tities, right? Everyone's hanging out, a lot of sexy women, and all the women start coming up to you.

They go, oh shit, what's up, man? You, uh, you black under there? Keep your eyes close. And then, uh, and then all of a sudden, there's, boom, there's like 30 women, and they're all like, hey, um, I don't know if those clothes come off easily, but, uh, we would like to, and then open your eyes, and then there's a fucking shaking front of you!

Sorry, dude, that was so fucking disrespectful. I'm sorry. You could have thrown it at his chest. You didn't have to hit the ground of his face. I'm so sorry, dude. We had him close. Don't give him a buck. God, it's 7-Eleven.

He had a, he has a snake. But you really don't do what you're fixed, huh? No. So you're just the scariest drag brunch ever? Yes. Oh my God. It's terrifying. I love his dark jokes.

The, uh, he's dead punchline was so crisp. I absolutely loved it. Yeah, crisp. It was, uh, there was a, uh, decisive delivery. It was, uh, it wasn't like, really, anything we've seen tonight. Jeremy tagging with that's what's up.

Yeah. And then there was a bunch of people that have done it for a total of 55 years that talked about bread and yeast infections, Popeye's buffets and grits, the South. He's dead. Was my favorite punchline so far. You're welcome. So Sir Winston Pickles getting us through another great set.

Thank you, Sir Winston. Welcome. Thanks for having you. Fun times. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing quite like them, a British evil clown. They don't make them like that anymore. It is terrifying. One more time for Sir Winston.

You guys having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. As you've seen tonight, absolutely anything can happen. It could be an evil British clown. It could be a man from the woods in Oklahoma. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Hey, Bullstad.

Hey, Bullstad. Last time I was in Austin was about $200,000 earlier last year in rehab. And, yeah, that's right. Yeah, let that marinate for a second. So they don't take insurance in rehab, but you do get to learn one thing about rehab. Your roommate will always be the one that's trying to jerk off when they're on volume. It's two hours.

two hours of hearing this when you're trying to sleep and it's not even the fucking good shit like it's not even anyone that's next to you so that's what I have to say about rehab that and right and the fact that you go to sober living which is right next door so my view from sober living house

was all these fucking buildings that I couldn't come to which was really exciting and then I got served divorce papers yeah it's just getting there right And then on top of that, I decided to become single again at 51. Well, I didn't decide. I didn't decide to become single. I was told that I'm single now.

And I still have a credit rating of 820. So. All right. Hey, Bolstad, making what I believe is your kill-tony debut, correct? It is my kill-tony debut, yes, sir. Wow. Okay. Have you ever done stand-up before?

A couple of times. A couple of times. Where at? So I host the Haye-Bolstad show in San Antonio. Shout out. And... You also look like you host an AA meeting in San Antonio. A lot of them.

Hey, I got six months sobriety this month. Let's go, dude. Okay. Bud's kill. All right. No! No. So, hey, let's talk about it.

Fuck it. Right. He's going to go see if Jurassic Park is still opened. This is a tough crowd. Are we going to be dinosaurs in these dinosaur tour? Where we're going, we don't need roads. That's a different movie. Oh shit, a different movie.

I've only seen Jurassic Park, too, by the way. Hell yeah. Hey, Bullstad. Let's talk about it. How old are you? I'm 51. 51. You don't look at Day Over 65. That's incredible. Jiu-Jitsu for me.

Jiu-Jitsu makes my life a lot easier. You do J-Jitsu? 15 years. What belts are you? Four stripes on my blue belt. Getting ready for my purple. Wow. Is that your new catchphrase?

Getting ready to, yeah, why not? Get ready for my purple. All right. Come on, get one a little scenario? All right. I'm ready. Hey, fuck it, okay. Let's say you're at the ATM,

and I'm just got back from getting some Taco Bell. I'm an ATM? You're supposed to be helping me. Don't hurt. When this happens, hey, Bolstead. Don't hurt him. This looks like it could be a real. Yeah, pretend money up.

It's the ATM. That's the ATM. Give me all your money, Paul. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt him, hey. Okay, all right. This is a bad idea. Jeremy, this is a bad idea.

Oh, give him a minute. Give him a minute. Oh, whoa. Jeremy. Jeremy, get back here. You're a lawsuit waiting to happen. I love you. Get ready for my purple, bitch.

All the way in. Do we just start dancing out of. nowhere. The only person having any purple up here is John D's and D. Madna. It's their beverage of choice, everybody. Purple. Fullstad, I have a thousand questions for you. Let's get into it. You're 51, you're six months sober. What kind of party were you having exactly to where you had to go to a $200,000 rehab facility? Ready? Fuck it. Let me see. A gallon and a half of vodka a day. No one's allowed to tell me no.

Basically fly wherever I want, do whatever I want. And, yeah. What do you do for work? How'd you make that money to be able to do that, fly wherever you want, drinking a gallon? How shameless am I allowed to get? Just answer the fucking question, dude. It's been a rough night for interviews tonight.

I own a river outfitter in New Bromphels, Texas. Nice. And I just been doing this. You've done that your whole life? For a good 16 years now, yeah. Okay. And, yeah, I don't know, man. I just hustle.

I'm a grinder like everybody else. Not grinder. Okay, all right. Hey, Bollstad. So, a gallon of vodka, day. We're flying all over a gallon and a half. Okay, all right. There you go.

Was there drugs involved? Cocaine is always going to be a beneficial thing to almost anything. If you want to stay up for a couple of days and shit your brains out. But it's a skinny drug. I know. What the f? He's six months sober. You right.

You know what? I love you too. I love you too, man. I don't like that I can see your dick in these sweatpants. I know. Oh, it is very clear. I really don't love it, dude. It is very clear.

Hey. Yeah, you're ready to go to the strip club. That's what's up. San Antonio. Your ear, ear, ear. Oh, shit. I go to that one, too. I'm having the best time ever.

This is awesome. Wait, you said you were divorced? Halfway through it. Oh, shit. Gallon and a half. Oh, go? A gallon and a half. Tony?

Come on. Yeah, you know what? I wish her the best. I got nothing negative. Wish her the best. But if you had to say one thing about it. Wouldn't be here. On YouTube.

Forever. No, I wouldn't be here. You're a smart guy. I want everybody happy in life. I love that. You have kids, Bullstad? I got a daughter that's going to turn seven next month. Okay.

All right. You're still in her life? Yes, absolutely. That's great. So what made you want to get in a stand-up comedy? I talked shit to Polly Shore when I was 17 when I lived in San Diego, and he dragged me around because I kept talking shit, and Mitzi and them let me go on for Friday night and a Saturday night.

Where was this? This would be 1992. Wow, still three years pre-Matt-Rife. And then... That's absolutely incredible. And then after that, I went surfing and then went and got a job and whatever the fuck else happened.

What was the job? Motivational speaker. What were you speaking about? Positivity in how to raise money for high school athletics. And I would tell the football players, if you have two girlfriends, you make them both sell.

That one that sells the most. You keep her. The other one's a loser anyway. Sell what? Chocolate. Chocolate. You gotta say that. Chocolate and...

This is a night of confusing interviews, I'll tell you that. Bullstad, stick with me up here just for a second because I want to know from my own information and maybe we'll circle back to this crap. But you talk shit to Polly Shores. You're basically like... Yeah, he was walking by. He had two blondes, one on each side.

And then you said... I went and I was like, man, what you do? There ain't shit. I had no idea. I'm 17. But you definitely knew he was. Yeah. because he had two blondes, one on each side.

And also because he had the face and hair of Polly Shore. Well, he also, I think, Encino Man or something. Something was out. And he was. No shit, yeah. Word. Okay, that's the answer. So you knew who Polly Shore was.

You talked shit to him. I want to know about you met the actual Mitzie Shore. Yeah. And then she said. And I also met the man with the crutches. He had all the stuffed animals on his crutches. Okay. And they made me sit outside.

in the back in the parking lot because I couldn't come in. Correct. That makes more sense. Because earlier you said that they put you on stage. We did. Okay. But I had to wait outside. Okay. Stick with me here, Bullstad.

Stick with me here. You ready? I'm ready. So when you say they put you on stage, was it by yourself? Yeah. For how long? Five minutes. Was it three minutes?

No, it was. Well, they have a light. I didn't know what the light was. Was it upstairs? No, it was in the main room. In the main room. Did it have a red? or was it carpeted?

There was a piano. I just remember there was a piano there because I used it the second night I came up. Was it a keyboard or an actual physical piano? Was it a red stage with red neon lights? That part I don't remember, but I mean, everybody was super cool. It was in La Jolla.

Okay, there you go. We'll fucking start with that. Total different. Can someone, can you just? Venue. No, I said that damn thing. You get nothing. Nothing and love it.

Okay. Bullstat. Uphill both ways. What did you do on stage since you had no comedic experience? I talked about getting my wisdom teeth pulled. What did you say about that? I said that I had gone to the planet drool because I couldn't really do anything other than drool while I was getting it done. And there was a dentist that was in the audience.

And he started heckling me. And so I just went all in. And I just told him that maybe he needed a better profession. Got him. Got him fucking good, dude. 17, bro. Why you got to pick on a 17-year-old? There you go.

Which Polly in the back like, boo, bro. No. He was so cool. Like, he was really, really cool about the whole thing. And when I was done, then they, I got down, walked down off the stage, and they brought me over to the kind of towards the front. And then there's that hallway that goes back. And they wouldn't let me go in the back.

but they let me hang out there and then, yeah, man, I just, someone offered me $25 for one of my jokes. Okay. See, every time I'm about to move on to something else, say something like that, which is completely fucking insane. When you say that, what was the joke that someone offered $25 for? Do you remember that? By the way, that is the first time I've shushed somebody in 13 and a half years.

That's how you make me feel, Bullstad. I've literally never said, before thousands of hours of this show exists. You're the first person that... I know you roll. Okay. You'll be all right. Do you remember the joke?

So it was from the planet drool and I was talking about them pushing the needle which was at this point. It was like this long. And they put it all the way through my gum. Uh-huh. And I guess the comic that was back there, he was wearing a blazer and...

Not the question I asked. Go ahead. Well, I'm getting to it. So he said, hey man, I like that. He said I like it and he offered me 25 bucks and I was like well fuck all right I need the money 25 bucks bro that's like you don't remember the joke I just told you the joke you didn't you just said that you shove a needle in his thing and then you described what the guy was wearing you can't hear d madness behind me going oh my oh yeah d madness is freaking out all right he said he's

the worst comic he's ever seen it is amazing oh god why hell yeah here comes to purple I got it Oh, you got tattoos? No, it doesn't matter. Jeremy, pay no attention to the tattoos. There's a little joke book. There goes, Hey, Bullstad, everybody. There's nothing interesting about that man whatsoever on planet Earth.

Your girlfriend's here? You want to bring your girlfriend out? Can she come out? Yeah, sure. Guys, can you bring my girlfriend out? Is that cool if she hangs out for a bit? Jeremy's... You're bringing your girlfriend out?

Yeah. Joe up from Sanj. This is insane. You dropped your ass. This is one of the most carnival-esque episodes of Kiltz. Oh, my goodness. What the fun? Wait, what?

What in the world is going on here? What is... What? What is going on? Check, check, check. Oh, my God. Wait. Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. Oh, my God. What the fuck, man. Oh, my God. What's up, Matt? Good to see you again. What is your girlfriend's name, Jeremy? I'm right here, Tony. Oh, what's your name?

It's Lindsay. I can talk for myself. What I say about talking too much, bitch? I love he doesn't even try not to move his mouth. Yeah, well, maybe you take me to dinner, Matt, and I'll move my mouth a lot more. Whoa, what was that? A celebrant What is that thing you did there with your... Oh, fuck you, Tony. This is the first time we've ever had a lady like you on this show.

Lindsay? Yes. Lindsay, you sound a lot like Jeremy. I got to tell you. You guys must hang out a lot. Well, I have a cold. Jesus. What's up, Red Band?

Good, hey. Red Man and I are in the same VR channel. Wow. Look at that. Oh, yeah. These are the types of people. that hang out with you in the VR world. You should see her fragles.

All right, back to the- What the fuck did you say to me? This is amazing. Is Lindsay going to join us for the next bucket pole? Is that cool? Yeah, no, that's fine. You guys, my empty hangs out for a couple. She's real to me.

Ooh, that sounds exciting. Someone's got to be around here. Oh, yeah. We're doing mostly mouse stuff. A lot of these people have been. How much of a lower half on this one? I want you The Hyundai-A-Lantra hybrid

inspires a special type of love the type that makes you slow down and enjoy the ride with best-in-class fuel efficiency and a best-in-class new car warranty it's made for the long run wherever the road takes you next because some relationships

are built to go the distance it's that Hyundai-A-Lantra type of love here we go, your next bucket pool Lindsay, you know how the show works? Yeah, I. I have fucking Facebook. Okay. 60 seconds, uninterrupted.

Going to Ryan Daughtery, everybody. Ryan Daughtery. Here we go. The show continues. I know I look like a Mormon CrossFit instructor. Or maybe only an extra in a Viking movie. I didn't get a supporting role. I have no lines.

I have, despite that, I have the emotional and financial stability of a 14-year-old with a stolen credit card and divorced parents. I spend most of my money at the strip club on escorts and on weed, honestly. So my solution is I'm going to go to a medical trial here in Austin. They're going to inject my butt with HIV medication. And in the cheek, not in the hole, in case anybody was wondering.

I'm really I'm really afraid of public speaking so the only reason I did you want to finish that? The only reason I did this was to try to get Kim Kongdon's attention. I tried to send her flowers here. Holy shit.

Holy shit. This is a live stalking. This is what this show's come to. The show has arrived. It was one thing when everyone was bombing, guys just coming down, from the woods to get all their socializing out of their system at once.

But you coming, you were here to get Kim Kongdon's attention? I drove 25 hours from car. Wow, ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing a part of Keltony Live in which will one day be on one of those fucking crime shows. Incredible, it's happening in real time. Yeah. Okay, wow, Ryan.

So is that really why you're here? Where did you drive 25 hours from exactly? Carson City, Nevada. Carson City, Nevada. I've been there. Oh, okay. What can I say about talking? Where in Carson City?

Oh, great question, Lindsay. I love that you go right to questions. Maybe you miss the part that I always tell Jeremy and Dr. Phil and Elaine in which don't ask stupid questions for no reason because it derails the entire interview port. of this show. Lindsay? Sorry, this is harder than it looks. Okay. Ryan, let's talk about it,

because this is going to be more of like an interrogation solving a crime more than an actual kill-tony interview. What was it that were you, where did you see Kim Kongden where you fell in love with that? September 1st, 2022 at... Oh my God. What the fuck? At Mike Drop Comedy in San Diego.

in San Diego, Kearney Mesa, to be more specific. I talked to her for about two hours. Uh-huh. And do you really want me to say, like, some crazy stuff? Fuck, yes. This is most likely... This is most likely going to be edited out of the show because this is beyond all insanity.

I know how I look. I know how I look. It's not about the look. It's more about the demeanor and the voice and everything else. Again, you're actually the best-looking bucket bowl. You just beat out Kyle from the woods in Oklahoma. So again, it's not about your look. It's about the tone and the what you said.

But go ahead. I told her that night, I said, you know Tony Hinchcliff and Nikki Glazer, I assume. You guys should roast my favorite athlete, Tom Brady. That was in 2022. Okay. Wow. The prophecy came true. The prophecy came true.

Dude, you should tell me to fucking get a bunch of a fucking fucking sex going. What? Sex or sash? I don't know. Sex. Sex. Gotcha.

Gotcha. Fucking. So, Ryan, you talked to her that night. Do you, do you try to communicate with her since then? Yeah. I mean, this is like a, I could spend an hour explaining the psychosis I'm in. It gets scarier with every answer you give, Ryan.

It really. It really does. It really does. Okay. Okay. So that's a yes. You guys do talk sometimes? No, no. She doesn't answer my DMs. I got a comment reply, so that's pretty good. All right. If she was here right now and you could say anything you want to her, what exactly would you say if you had to keep it under 30 seconds?

I would say I think about you all the time since your first back. Oh, man. No. Wait, wait. Can I? Yes. Lindsay. Can I maybe offer up some female, can I offer up the female perspective? And what's your name again, Jeffrey? Brian.

Brian. Sorry, you give enough Dahmer vibes. Domer vibes? So I'll be Kim and let's say you're meeting me right now for the first time. Cool. Do-do-do-do-do. Ooh, I have such a cool pussy. Oh, what's up, Ryan?

Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Oh, yeah, you fucking did. did. What's up? How are you? A long time, no C. I'm not sure if you remember me. I like everything you post. I listen to every podcast. Wait, hold on. Hold on a second. I have to, I have to interject here. Okay, I thought it was going pretty great so far, but that's all right. The Lindsay thing's great, but I got to jump back into this. Hold on a second. Because this is the only show in the world. I don't know if you guys know this. The moment that's happening, right? now is very interesting because every other show in the world you have a podcast

you book the guest you do a little research on the guest you ask them a few pre-planned questions right you try to stretch it out you try to make a conversational on television everything is in a teleprompter there's cue cards everywhere every single thing you've ever seen before spoiler alert has been predetermined and was planned before you ever saw it except for this moment happening right now, live in this room. This is a live stalking that is happening right now with our very good friend, one of the first regulars

ever in the history of the show, the hilarious Kim Congdon, who is amazing and has been doing stand-up 13 years. Yeah, she rips, so funny. And so, hilarious. You became obsessed with her. And you think about her all the time. All the time. Is there anyone else that you think about this like?

Never in my life. Right. I love her like more than my mom and my mom's dead. Okay. When you say more than your mom, do you get along with your mom? She's dead, so I like her a lot more now. Okay, Ed Gein. Jesus Christ, man.

Plot twist. Oh my God. Did you do that to her? Dude. Did you do that to your mom? Maybe with my personality. I don't know. Oh, my God.

Kim's going to turn it to a fucking lampshade, dude. Oh, my God. So you've sent her flowers. She hasn't responded. He has, what is that saying? A ring in flower. You have a ring and flowers for Kim, is what I've got.

I've been handed a note. Is that true? Yeah, it's in a bucket and back. I didn't bring it on stage. Right. We don't allow people to bring things on stage and because they might end up like you. So, Ryan,

Um, boy. Again, this is real. Pretty much all I can say right now. You've stumped me. And yeah, very, very highly likely that this won't make it to the show because it's kind of nuts. Tony. Go ahead, Matt Rife. Can I call Kim and let him talk to it?

It's a great idea. Again, Red Band, when someone's making a call, the phone doesn't write. Oh, this is going to be so good. This is better than love is blind. Wait, put it on speaker, hit the speaker. Hey, it's Kim Condon. Wait. Hello?

Hello? Hello? It's, well, you... Hello? Hello? You'd have to... You'd have to nod of your headset mic on for this bit to work. Nope.

No, you wouldn't... Sorry, bitch. You wouldn't... You wouldn't use that one either. You wouldn't... Let me call her back. Let me call Kim back. Ladies and gentlemen, this is...

You just got snaked! Or Dr. Pepper Tick-Tacked! So when you brought a ring in flowers here... So much potential. You're expecting what exactly to happen, to run into her, that she'd be here, perhaps. You want the realistic... Yes, we do.

Realistically, I expect to be rejected, but just for closure, you know, you have to swing. But what kind of closure exactly are you looking? Either she's like, yeah, we could date, we could see how it goes, or no, like, this is crazy. This is a weird way to approach a woman. A lot of women at the same time just said, that's it. Yes, that's it.

Almost every woman for the first time I've ever seen agrees on something, on one thing. They all agree on this. They're all looking at me and shaking. their heads, yes, all at once. It's almost incredible. Let's check in with Jeremy. Well, I got no experience here,

so I think what you're doing is pretty fucking chivalrous. Thank you. Also, some girls like a guy to play hard to get, right? Or they want you to chase them. I mean, I literally chase them, but... I'm fast. You're fast? See, that feels like something you should not say.

Stop. So this is why I want to know from the ladies. At what point when he's given a gift, and she doesn't respond, does he just fucking take a hint? Like... That time. Oh, oh. The first time.

What did you say? Let's see the ring. Oh, good question. Oh. Is it a real ring? Is it a legit ring? How much, how much, how much, where'd you get it from? How much did you spend?

Not a lot, $250. Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot. It's a, it's a, well, open it and I'll explain it. If we have it. But let me ask you this, Ryan. Because you met her once before, right? Only once.

Well. Hasn't communicated with you since then. So, wait. She used to talk to me on stage at the belly room. Wait, so you went to her show. All the time. Dozens of shows. And sometimes she would respond to you if you asked a question or heckled.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it was kind of conversational. Right. During her set. Yeah. You would yell something out. She would address me and then I would respond. Right.

She would make fun of you. She would make a joke and then you would respond. Yes. Right. Okay. Fuck, I can't remember what my question was. Hold on. God damn it, God damn it.

Hold on. Fuck. Nope, hold on. So, I'm getting suggestions from the crowd for questions, by the way. Again, that's another first in the history of the show. It's going to be such a good documentary, dude? Yeah. This is incredible.

Because I don't think, don't you think that if you talk to her one more time and she said to you, you know, Ryan, this is kind of wild, you're not my type, right? I'm not into this. Don't you think that since you've only talked to her before once in reality, that you're going to only like her more? Probably, yeah, every time I hear her talk, I tend to like her more, so. Right, okay. Which is either stalkerish or nice, depending if I'm attracted. It's the first one.

It's stalkerish, Ryan. Ryan, this is one of the scariest things in the history of the show. Have you ever had another girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Don't say it like that. I'm 29. I'm 29.

You're 29. Okay. Dick's been dry 29 years. It's very possible. This is Jeremy right here. Okay. Your belt is at the end. That is the looser setting.

That is an unbelievable observation. There are... 32 waist on the 32 waist. No more loops left. It is incredible. What's the longest relationship you've ever been in? Ten months. Ten months.

Did the girl know that she was still in the first? relationship the whole 10 months. Yeah, but she was AI. I'm kidding. You can't make jokes like that, man. All right. Ryan, we're going to let you out of here. I'm not sure.

Sure. Whether this is one of the most compelling, compelling interviews and moments in the show's history, or if it will... You're going to set them loose back in the club? No, it's not going to... They go right out the back door for this part. And I can tell you, there's a lot of security guys

looking at me, very concerned. I'm nonviolent. I know. We can tell. You seem like you have good intentions, but it is a little creepy, Ryan. All right. There he goes.

Ryan Dordery, everybody. No joke book. No nothing. Lindsay's slamming her hand on the table. She liked him. I thought he was hot. But I'm a crazy girl. You are a wild girl, Lindsay.

All right. You know what? Let's cleanse the stage. Let's stage the stage a little bit with the return of a golden ticket winner who hasn't been on this show in a very long time here. Ladies and gentlemen, could be a story of redemption and who knows. Anything can happen. He's one of the wildest characters in the history of the show. You know him.

He has the record for most all-time appearances on one episode of Keltony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Drew Nickens. Like the last guy, I just had sex for the first time in 18 months. She had a bullet, and I don't think I was her first special needs body, because she knew how to seduce me. She was like, hell yeah, brother. You look like Mar from home alone and a sexy Napoleon dynamite. Trying to go back to my hotel room and watch YouTube.

and I was fucking jazz because I knew exactly what to throw on. Eddie Guerrero versus Ray Mysterio, Halloween Havoc 97. Am I right, ladies? I was a little nervous because I don't have the lover's touch because sometimes I bet animals too hard.

But we got it cracking, dog. It's so much clapping and screaming during that hotel room session. People thought we were watching a black high school graduation. I got a TBI, but that night I gave her a TPI, a traumatic pussy injury, because I beat that thing on sensually. Welcome to sex offender kill Tony, everybody.

This is a very special night. It was consensual, Tony. No, I'm joking. That guy scared me. I almost had to break out retard strains. Don't fuck with my homies. That's right. Kim Congdon is the homie.

I tell you, love this set, Drew. And for those of you that might not know, that Eddie Guerrero versus Ray Mysterio match at Halloween Havoc, absolutely fucking amazing. You can show it to anybody, believe it or not. You can actually show that to your girlfriend and watch that, and she will be completely mesmerized. It's a true one of the greatest luchador matches of all-time.

It is. For your professional wrestling, two of the all-time greats. And they're in their absolute prime at that period of their lives. Look at Michael Gonzalez agreeing. Our own little lusterer. That's right. Okay, Drew, how's life been going? Life's been great, Tony.

I just did my first sold-out headlining set a couple weeks ago. Nice. How long did you do? How long was it? I did 45 minutes. That's great. Amazing, Drew. How many people were in the audience?

There was about 120 people. That's amazing, Drew. Yeah. Were they all there at the end of the 45 minutes? They were. They were having a good time. I give the good show, guys. Don't listen to Reddit.

I fucking hate them, Tony. I don't even know why you go on there, Drew. No, they send shit to me on Instagram. They're real mean. Okay, again, you don't need to, like, read these things. Have you gotten work off of your social media or anything? Okay, so here's why I look at it, because I've had two people come to me, like, with suicidal thoughts in my, like, general, and I've had to calm them down and say,

Hey, Drew. Life's okay. Drew, that's not your responsibility, I didn't appreciate it though. You're welcome. Fuck Jerry. Fuck Jerry, dude. It was a dark time in my life.

I know. I think if people are coming to you as a last resort for their suicidal thoughts, Drew, that it might be time to just let them do what they're going to do, you know what I mean? I do ask you if they're Cowboys fans first. Very funny. Drew, what else is going on in life?

headlining shows wearing awesome shirts. What else? Yeah, my mom got me this. We know. I've been just tour in the road with a lot of golden ticket winners, trying to get my set better, writing a bunch of stuff,

just doing the thing that you're supposed to do when you're a comic, steadily improving and getting better. Because that's what we're here for. I want to do this for the rest of my life, so we're never going to stop. Drew, do you like the show, Blippy? Fuck yeah.

Tell us about Blipy. Describe to the people what Blippy's about. Yeah, I love Blippy, man. So I don't like the new guy. Fuck that guy. Blippy. Blippy because it's such a, it's like a innocent show. They show educational things.

The guy's a personality. Like, he wears the same thing every time. He's fucking awesome. And then they brought this new guy and I was like, what the fuck? It turns me to fucking I went on the blipy Reddit. What is it about the new blippy that you don't like?

He's not the same guy. That's like Joe and Steve! Hold on, how do you feel about the new Jake from State Farm? And why? He's not black if it's Black History Month. Fuck that! Fun fact, Drew Nickens is black. I'm not kidding. His father is 100% black.

If you saw a picture of his father, you wouldn't believe it. I swear to God. No way. He's like an Albion. On and out, dog. Not my snake, but my picture of my dad. Kind of like an albino black guy. No fucking way.

Yeah, I am. Have you done anything black this month to celebrate black history? Hell yeah, I went to Ross five times this week. Oh, shit. That's how did I get my toilet trees? Hey, right, brother. Wait, let's see how black you are.

Here's a snake. There's a snake on the goddamn plane. Pretty funny. We'll keep it in. There you go. Jeremy really belts people with that thing. There's no showbiz, like, toss up with this guy. Still looking for a picture of his dad.

That's how black he is. He can't find a picture of his father. If you needed any more confirmation, let the two minutes that it took for him to find a picture. This guy's Puerto Rican at best, dude. There's no way. No, he's really black. It's just light outside.

It's light outside. This is a good photo, though. I do like this. That's my mom. It's your very light mom? Yeah. Say it. That's what I thought.

Drew, fun times. Thank you so much. We love Drew. We love Drew. Drew loves me. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Greg Bergman, everybody.

Greg Bergman. I don't about you guys, but I am sick to death of pedophilia. Are you sick of it? I don't mean sick of adults having sex with children. I've never been for that, just the way I was raised. But I'm sick of hearing about it. You know, in New York, it was all I heard about was privilege and race.

And I got annoying. Then I come to Texas, and all I hear about is vaccines and pedophilia. Vaccines of pedophilia. It's all people talk about, vaccines of pedophilia. If I hear about vaccines and pedophilia one more time, I'm going to take 10 booster shots and fuck a kid. You know, I'm just, I'm bored of it. It's enough for a way. I want to see what all of his fuss is about. You know what I mean?

And autism, that's another thing. What a scam. Everyone in Austin says they're autistic. I'm autistic. You want to be. You want to be autistic. You want to be neurodivergent. You think it makes you interesting.

Okay? You're not autistic if you're too much of a stupid little creep to look the barista in the eye. Okay? You're a putt. You want autistic? That's what people like you? I'll tell you autistic.

Or neurodivergent. Last summer, during the flood, I walked around in 100 degree heat, and I was afraid to use the bus car, but the mental hospital gave it. me for fear that the invisible material I thought would explode when I swiped it to the bus and blow everybody up. That, my friends, is neurodivergent, okay? See, if I want a stupid lunatic, here I am. All right, great Bergman.

Prepared, memorized his set, uh, went through the words in the order that he prepared it. And meanwhile, I kind of still wish the stalker was on stage. Sorry about that. It takes a special kind of, uh, special kind of plan deliverance. Oh, fuck. Greg, has anything changed since the last time you've been on this show? Well, yes. Two things happened.

This is both true. Greg was on very recently as a penis implant. Yes. When I left here, I was very, I got a big joke book, very happy. A couple Australian guys saw this step. They said, go to the creek. This is true. Go to the creek in the cave.

I went to the creek in the cave. I slipped on the ice, fell, lost my joke book and bruised all my ribs. That's true. At least I think it was ice. It could have been the little greasy Mexican they were dragging away. Wow. Okay. No, but it was true. That's a true story.

We'll be right back. Sorry, right. I thought that's what the guy's life. Oh, my God. What a Dr. Pepper Tick-Tick. No, that was, that was true, though. It's destiny. When God takes your big joke book from you.

I know. That's how you know it was never meant to be. Oh, boy. Greg, uh, I mean, it's just been, I just got to, I just, anything else that you thought about since the last time you were on, that would have been good to talk about in the interview portion, but now here we are. I did, yeah, my dog died.

That's sad. That happened in the past few weeks? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, past two weeks, too. Well, how did your dog die? Kill itself? It's, uh. Or did Chrissy Nome shoot it in the face? Yeah, yeah, it was a suicide.

Yeah, she died. Yeah, she died, it was just sad. And my grandmother died three weeks ago, but the dog died two weeks ago. Sorry, dude. I know. I know. I know.

It's a party, it's a party, it's a party. God damn, I had jokes. that were good too. I thought you wanted the... Why didn't you do them? Because I thought the first one was good. What the fuck? The kid was good.

Here's a little joke book, Greg. I'm going to keep him moving along. Yes. He said, no. No. There he goes. Greg Bergman, everybody. All right.

One last bucket pool. This episode is demented. Let the record show that I'm aware that this is an insane episode. Are you guys having fun? Insane fans in the world. You guys are loyal to the soil. One last fucking bowl.

Make some noise for Thomas LaMountain. Thomas LaMountain. I like having fast sex with old women. Yeah, I said, I like having fast sex with old women. I call it going 90 to 70. Yeah, I love it. Fast sex with old. I love having fast.

Call my balls worthers originals. The way I like these hip, replacement hussy sucking on them you know what I'm talking about I like having fast sex with old women ladies and gentlemen do I am I the only one here do I look the only looks out of fat yet no oh no I like having a fast sex little oh my gosh you know what I hate though I hate having slow sex with old with young pussy I hate having slow sex with young what am I running the government no and even if I was I would if I was running the government I'd be having fast sex with old

Thank you, I'm Thomas Lamountain. Thomas Lamountain. I loved it. I almost forgot what it was like when people came up here and just did jokes. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome, welcome. Hey, thanks.

Is this your first time on the show? No, I've been here before. Okay, welcome back. Very funny. Where are you from? I'm from Nebraska. And how long have you been in Austin? I've been in Austin for eight months now? Eight months.

Fuck yeah. You've been on the show only once before? Only once before. What do we find out about you? What was the most compelling? What was my favorite part of it? that interview, you think. Oh, well, you found out that I used to be a male model

and you made me take my shirt off and you liked it a lot. Yeah, I did. Hell yeah. Now I remember having flashbacks. Yeah. I love it. Hell yeah. So how's Austin been treating it?

What's been going on now? It's been pretty good, man. You know, I got a cool job now. I've been doing a lot of spots. It's amazing. I love it here, man. What's the cool job? I now, now I'm a, I have the greatest job of being a,

I'm a fucking bell hop for a hotel, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Jeremy? Lakeita? No.

I'm a awards member there. Oh. So if that's where you bell hopped, then that's what's up. Lakeita has awards. Lookitza has rewards. What kind of rewards? We can't all fly on fucking private planes, man. What kind of rewards do you get at the Lakeinta?

Lequinta ends? Oh, breakfast before everybody else. Really? Yeah. So you have to wake up earlier? take with the breakfast. This is a crazy deal. That almost seems like it would be...

I thought this was in safe space. Guys are really hostile towards fun stuff. Breakfast before everybody else? So I wake up before. Breakfast is at seven. Also, I get the first dibs on clean seats. I usually get like...

I don't know, like sometimes they have only a certain amount of waters behind the front desk. So I get first dibs on like the coldest waters. They're all room temperature, man. All of them. Lakeinta has only room temperature. That is your mind.

Well, you're clearly not in the rewards program. So you get cold-ass water. But so, bellhop, that's cool. Do you love it? It's a dream come true, truly. It is. It's a dream come true. I've always wanted my dad was a bellhop.

My grandpa was a bellhop. I hope someday my son is a bellhop. live on the legacy of hopping bells. That's right. You have a girlfriend, Thomas? No, I don't. I just recently got out of relationship. Oh, how'd that end?

Why'd that end? I'll start the, well, commitment. Commitment issues. What's that, right? Tell us about that, Thomas. Well, funny, funny ass. It just happened like last week, And she was like, can we have a serious talk?

And I'm like, for sure. And I got there and she's like, let's not have it right now. I was like, all right, cool. And so like I brought over like Legos, you know? Because I like, let's do some Legos. It's cool, like Obi-1, Kenobi ship. Fuck yeah. Yeah, hell, right?

Hell yeah, dog. And so I started doing the Legos. And then she was like, hey, can we talk now? And I was like, yeah, man, we're playing. I'm doing Legos right now, but sure, you know. And so we talked and, you know, it was like, oh, it's probably, you know, not good. We keep coming back to each other.

you know, it's probably best. We're not really grown as people, you know. And it was sad. Like we, you know, we both cry. We both hug each other, you know. And at the end, she was like, oh, well, you know, I was like, well, maybe I should go. And she's like, yeah, that's probably best if you should go.

And then I had to pick up my fucking Legos. Oh. And for a second, I was like, should I just give her the leg? Should I give them, you know? They're like, no, they're my fucking Lego. You know, I'm going to have the, I don't have the, I don't have the Legos, you know. So I had to be like, can you get up. I think you're on a leg, you know.

It was really embarrassing. And then I packed up everything, and I was like, I put on, you know, my backpack, and I was, I said by there, and I took a, like, took like a look around the room and being like, kind of like, oh, this might be like the last time I, you know, ever see this room.

And then on the windowsill I saw the Obi-1 Canobi, like, mini-fig with, like, the lightsaber. And I'm like, oh, fuck, thank God I didn't forget that. Oh, my God. You know, it's his ship. I had to, it's his ship. Yeah. It wouldn't be, it would be weird if I didn't have

the Obi-1 Canobi. Minifigure with the lights is set. Yeah, you get it. You get it. So, yeah, that happened. Amazing. That's a great breakup story. You know, he'll be a great rebound.

Kim Congdon. It's true. She's super available. I can put you on condo. You seem super safe. Does she fuck with Legos? I'm sure she does. Almost positive.

Call her. Call her and see if she fucked with Legos. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I did. Perfect. There you go. You already have it. There he goes. Thomas Lamountain, everybody. And now we've arrived at the end of the episode, and we have one regular that's going to close it out. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy is an absolute fucking sensation. Formerly the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas.

Make some fucking noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn with a brand new minute, everybody. What the fuck Frontier Airlines, nigga, I hate them bag Nazis, and I don't support Nazis. These niggas, if you never had the unfortunate time to go fly Waffle House Airlines, these niggas got a metal box right there, and they say, this is a bag.

No, nigga, that's a box. And then they say, you gotta put your bag, it's got a fit in here, and if it don't, everybody that work in Frontier get to beat your fucking ass. They do, and they only hire. Nigger's from Waffle House so they know how to fight individually and as a unit. And if you didn't get your ass whoop, it's because you paid it $300,000 it costs to not

have your bag fit in there. And the only reason they get to charge $300,000 motherfucking dollars is they ask you 300,000 motherfucking times. Do you want to buy a bag? Nigger, you should buy a bag. I wouldn't fuck what us. Buy the guy. Nika, I mean, we've been waiting for a nigga not to buy a bag. We've been waiting. Didney, so I bought the bag online and I got the bull. where you can pick your seat. How about these niggins sold me a windowless window seat? Did go tell me to take my phone down

because I had a duct tape, because I'm claustrophobic because I gotta look at something, son. Did, did, nigger, I had a nerd to come back there talking about the pilot said, you can't be selling snacks on the plane. Nick, I gotta get this money back. I was just selling like little burritos and shit. So I try to become an entrepreneur, you know what I'm saying?

It's black history money. Black History Month and they was like but what about the gambling because we were shooting dice on the plane? See? And so I said, hey man, nigga you telling me the captain told you to come say that? The same nigga I just sold two Adderon 2 before we took off. This dick could go get on the intercom and go. Shit y'all, I ain't gonna.

I ain't gonna hold you, Nick be mine and I go. That's my time. I love y'all. Thank you. It's been great. Dedrick Flynn with another two minutes. This guy does twice the work that he has to do. Without a doubt the best set of the night.

Dedrick, you are a fucking freak of nature. How's life treating you? Dude, it's so fucking cool dog. I get, my favorite thing now is like, because I have other friends that are doing, like my boy Cam was opening up for you. Cam Bertrand. Yeah, that's my best friend.

What? Yeah, we got like five matches tattoos. Like, we've been best friends for friends for friends. Yay, but all right. All right. Five. You had an opportunity to go get a tattoo with him and you didn't go do it.

Boy, it shows up on me. Yeah. You're like, yeah, yeah, I'll get a tattoo. Never sees it. Fuck you, handsome-ass, nigga. I don't have to just... Fuck you, fucking new hair, nigga. You look like dial from Street Fighter.

I fucking love you so much. Yeah, fuck you, man. Yeah. How you got gold teeth in a silver chain? Yeah. I just got on, dumb ass. You stupid fuck, you look so dumb right now in front of fucking everybody. Everybody knows I gotta take it a step at a time.

You're such a stupid bitch, dude. I fucking hate... And I know that shit you said about Atlanta too, Nick. I've been waiting to run into your ass. Good. The airport's trash and I'll die on that hill. Oh my God. You are so mean to people, dude.

And you, to have a face like that and be mean, that's just so fucked up. Fuck you, dude. Can I ask more questions? Fuck you. Absolutely. That's you. I'm fucking hot.

Why do you have a slingshot? Oh, because that weird ass nigga was talking about I got to protect Kim. Oh, my God. Yeah, and it's a little of a time when this redneck nigga made it for me in Huntsville, Alabama. Wow.

How long have you had a slingshot for it? I got several slingshots. Let's go. I got different ones for different things. Different occasions. Yeah, I got like a water. balloon slingshot. I got fucking the motorcycle that black people ride

called slingshot. I got that shit too. What's that called again? It's called a slingshot. Yeah. What do you load into that to shoot? Fucking anything. We have some Advil right here. Dr. Pepper Ticktacks. Anybody want to get... All right.

Who went to Advil? Yeah, let's... Oh, it's a gel tap. We don't know if that'll work quite. This guy in the second row wants it. That'll be dangerous. And hilarious. Make sure you loft it up. You don't know the guy who for sure doesn't want it.

Oh shit. Wow, that thing's aggressive. Like it anybody? Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up. You're not on the goddamn show. Never in 13 and a half years as a nigga ruined a bitch. I'm sick of you.

Get his ass out of here. The guy who looks like he's on 60 days in? Yeah. Actually, know what? Say something else. Say something else. Say something else, bitch, a nigger. Dane-da.

Ruin' one more on my house. We all thought it went over there, dumb ass. Fuck your glasses. You kind of looks like me. And a ponytail, I hate you. Have you ever shot anybody with your... Oh, absolutely. Sometimes I just sit on the roof, uh, sunset,

and then we just, uh, open up the window, just hit niggas on six street with shit. Oh, perfect. Try to clean up the streets, Tony. There's some bad people out here. You didn't have to say sunset right there, by the way. That's where I was. Yeah, that's the truth.

You look, everybody looks at some. So fucking stupid. Why would I lie? This is YouTube. They're gonna know. Dedrick, you are the absolute fucking man. Your set was twice as much as you had to do a brand new, unbelievable two minutes. How about one more time for Dedrick Flynn, everybody?

Love y'all! Matt Rifeofficial.com. Get fucking tickets. He's one of the best in the world. One more time for Matt Rife, everybody. Jeremy is representing Adam Rai. Adam Raycom. Jeremy's a big fan of Adam Ray.

Adam is on the Who is Me Tore. He's going to Vegas, North Carolina, South Carolina. He's going everywhere. Adam Raycomedy.com for tickets. This episode was brought to you by Bluchu, Talk Space, and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. It is incredible.

It is indeed Jeremy and Matt Ripe. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, fuck yeah. That's Matt Wright. That's Megan Rappen with a mustache. That is a, where, he got my mustache.

Machine Gun Kelly. Shout out to the great Bonsai for making these amazing joke books and so many great leather handmade goods available at killmerch.com, which is thriving with a bunch of great merchandise out there right now. Redband.

Check out the Secret Show every Thursday at the sunset strip ATX.com. Thank you. All right, people. We did it. We love you. Thank you. Good night.

Bless this audience. God bless the United States of America. Thank you everybody.