KILL TONY - #760 - TIM BUTTERLY + STEVE-O

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

SteveO, Tim Butterly, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery,Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban. Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/killtony 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.  Try it FOR FREE at https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get a front on it! Hedley! For the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land? Carlos Sosa, Rao Castillo,

Michael Gonzalez, and Nachos Belgronde, ICE Officer Matt Mueling, the great John D's on the keys, and D. Madness on the bass guitar. We're keeping the... Keeping the ICE officers separated from our Latino, our Latino wing. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Toccova's and ExpressVPN. How we feel in tonight, people, huh?

It feels good in here. We are home at the Comedy Mothership. So many fun things going on, so many announcements, so many great sponsors. Here's some of them that made this episode available for you, right here, right now. you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week. I have two of the funniest human beings

in the world on this show. This week, no different. One of them is one of my favorite comedians and movie stars. Truly, one of the stars from what I think as the funniest movies of the past, I don't know, what would we say, three decades. The other

one is truly who I believe is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Truly one of the funniest humans on planet earth. They both are. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to freak out. As I introduce tonight's guest, it's Steveo and Tim Butterley.

My yeah. The crash and burn tour is everywhere. stevo.com. He is the great Aaron Belial out there on the road with him. Fucking unbelievable. My man. I love Aaron Belial. Yeah. We do too.

How about a hand for the great Tim Butterley, one of the breakout stars of the past year. A recent move to Austin, Texas, has made him one of my favorite guests to book. And he's on tour, Tim Butterly.com. He's everywhere. Columbus, Dayton, Boston, Tacoma, filming his special here, May 23rd at the Creek in the Cave, a new 30-minute special.

So much fun. You guys have both been on this show numerous times before. We're so happy to have you back, Steve O, fresh off of filming the newest. What some people are saying might be the final jackass movie of all times. Yeah, dude, it's the fifth last movie. I love it. Brilliant marketing. I'm going to watch it no matter what.

I swear to God, the jackass movie. I've always said jackass in South Park are the only two things other than Kill Tony in the comedy world that you can always trust and fucking it's always there. I can put them on any time I crack up. Even the one, what's the one where it's like the deleted scenes kind of? Oh, the point fives. Yeah, that's the shit. Anyway, we're going to have fun tonight.

You guys have done the show numerous times, Butterlee and Stevo, so you know hundreds of people signed up for the chance, the opportunity to get on this stage. Some of them are some of the top talents in the world that know their life will change with a minute of stand-up comedy. Some of them completely mentally ill people that literally just want to be seen for a second and realize that anyone can sign up for the show.

they take full advantage of the situation. Recently, we've had some stalkers on the show. We've had some people that are physical threats to our audience and us. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview with them. I'd find out if there's anything else interesting about their lives. and we get to all meet them together or see them again if they've been lucky enough to be pulled before. That's about it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm gonna pull a name now.

And while we go wrangle, our first fucking pool of the night, boy, do I have a treat for you? To get this show jolted from the start, I present to you a guy so powerful that he's normally the closer. He's a Hall of Famer, known for having more sets,

on this show than any other human in the history, the 13-year history of Kill Tony. Some people call them the Saratoga singer, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, the one and only, William Montgomery. Tony, I'm about to be fucking threatening violence

against Red Band's Maws. Pussy did I, this town is not Bigger. This town is not big enough for the both of us, said two clinically obese people. And by the way, Red Band, your mama was so fat. Now there's an Ozimic shortage. The Reverend Jesse Jackson just died, and I'm trying to figure out what he did to piss off Hillary Clinton. I asked Chad GPT to explain the concept of God in the shortest terms possible.

It wrote back two words, Aifex twin. A Texas grand jury declined. to indict a man who shot and killed his daughter because she said bad things about Donald Trump. I'm no lawyer, but isn't that called Justifiable Homicide? Okay, that's my time, Tony. 57 seconds, exactly.

From the man... Well, Tony, I was gonna say to Red Band I actually put his job application on Indeed. I actually applied you for a job today, Red Band, so you fucking owe me one, dude. Sick. Wait, what... Job application on Indeed?

On Indeed, yes. I signed him up to... to be the new Ayatollah. Whoa. I don't know anything about it indeed, but I'll tell you this. You should put it on ZipRecruiter. An official sponsor, Kiltoni.

Use the promo code Keltoni, and you get a month free, I do believe. I love ZipRecruiter. Yeah, we love ZipRecruiter. And Rebhan, you're about to love Iran because you're about to be ruling Iran for a little bit, and it was on ZipRecruiter.com. You are applied now for the Ayatollah Supreme Leader of Iran.

So Redmond, get ready, dumb ass. You're really gonna have to lose weight over there, dude. Oh, my goodness. When you're riding on your motherfucking camels, man, your ass going to guys to lose the way. The supreme leader, ladies and gentlemen. Did your mom write that joke? Wow, Red Band knows how to bring the crowd to a screeching halt there.

All the momentum and laughter and then just... Red Band, no, but your mom did, pussy. Oh. Last night. Okay, yeah, stop. That wasn't good. That was not a good exchange. I love it.

I love it. So you signed him up to be the new Ayatollah of Iran? I did. I did. I said he's really good at computer stuff. He's going to be able to help y'all with all of y'all's search engines and computer stuff. And he's just really, I said he's basically a tech wizard. He's going to be able to really help y'all with that.

He's cool with having a bunch of different wives because he has a bunch of different wives in America. I told him about that. He's already going to be cool with having a bunch of different wives. They have to be Asian women. And he needs a bunch of Asian wives over and Iran when he's the, Ayatollah. So Redbean, we'll see what happens. Just please let me come over there if you become the Supreme

Leader. That'll be the first time you'll be able to ever say that I ran from you. Because you've never ran before. The Ayatollah of breads and rollers. Yeah, that's what you're going to be eating every night for dinner. Hey, can I have some more

breads and rolls, please? Yeah. You're going to be the burrito supreme leader. Sick. Funny. Red Band, you need to get on the rowing machine, my friend, so we can add some years to your life. He's been on the growing machine.

I don't know if you've seen that. He does a thing. It's on his recliner. It's called the growing machine. It's a lot of this. Yeah, you're a big little boy, ain't you? Wow. But it's okay.

He put a splash of Gatorade in his vodka soda. He's super healthy. I remember what time in high school, I drink a bunch of vodka Gatorade because I always heard it could make you drunker. And I got wasted that night and I ended up driving back to my parents' house. And I crashed into their brick wall. And I wake up the next day to my mother screaming. It's everywhere.

She was in the bathroom. I'd vomited everywhere and forgotten about it. So Red Band, be careful tonight since you're drinking vodka, Gatorade. I can't believe. It's like you're a high schooler. Drinking and driving is not safe to do. We do not condone that. And if your life has gotten to that point, may I suggest going to BetterHelp.com,

using the promo code, kill Tony. and talking with someone within 30 minutes, you could be talking to a licensed professional from anywhere in the world. They sure help me, Tony. I love it so much. You laughed at that? He loves it.

No, they helped William. Yep. That was a good set, William. You had only three jokes about Red Band's mom and A-Fex twin reprint. This town is not big enough for the two of us. And I loved the Jesse Jackson Hillary Clinton joke. Thank you.

I know. That happened about three weeks ago, Tony. Under suspicious circumstances, is he fell out of his office building in Atlanta. Wait, he did? Yeah, Jesse Jackson fell out of his office building in Atlanta. And people really are saying it's a connection with Hillary. I don't think that's how he died.

Yeah, no, we got pushed out of his office building in Atlanta, Georgia, Tody. Oh, my goodness, gracious. Yeah, no, I found this website where people are talking all about it, and I've been on it nonstop. And also Red Band, by the way, I told that weird stalker guy about your mom. He's about to be stalking your fucking mom. I'm serious you need to change the locks at your house. I'm not kidding, right, man.

He's after your mom next. You've been going to a website where you find out all this information? Yeah, Jesse Jackson. He fell out of this high-rise building. In Atlanta. I just hope you're using your browser properly. The best way to do it is to use expressvpn.com.

Enter the promo code, kill Tony. This way people can't see what you've been. This guy's nodding along. He knows. He uses a VPN. It's fucking nice. I love it. Yeah.

It's very nice. The VPN is so nice. This guy pushes VPNs to their limit. Yeah, he does. There's steam coming out of it. He goes deep into the dark web. He literally looks like Red Band's wife on VR. That's what Red Band's wife on VR looks like this guy.

And you know, speaking of VR, Moms can regrow your hair by using this topical solution. It's great for your fourth. Okay, maybe next time try not to mess it up at the beginning. There you go, yeah. It's really bad. Maybe let's hear some of those wacky sound effects, Red Band.

Anyway. So tell us about your process, your writing process for this set this week. Where do you write most of your jokes, William? Where are you in this? Brilliant stuff comes into your head? I am in my little office that I've created, Tony, and has a lot of Star Wars stuff in there. And yeah, I was in there and I was thinking, okay, Red Band's mom, she does look pretty good.

She's not that fat. She lost some weight. Normally people say your mom is so fat. I was thinking, okay, if you could do the past tense to it, that would be funny. Why would it be that? Because she lost much weight because it was a pick. And then I was literally just thinking about his fucking mom the rest of the night. But yeah, Tony, I sit in there.

Wow, just a random noise for no reason whatsoever. You know what? Red Band, pick up the mic. Why don't you just jump in any time you want? No, I'm kidding. Go back to the sound. Okay. And then Ozempic had my mind thinking, okay, something about fat people.

Then I was thinking, for whatever reason, oh, old Western kind of say. This town isn't big enough for the both of us. And they're thinking, okay, who would say that? Oh, yeah, a fat person. So I'm thinking, okay, we've got two fat people jokes right here. Perfect. Yeah. What else did you do this week?

What are you passionate about in life right now? Well, Tony, I mean, I've been, I did 200 miles on the rowing machine in February. Okay, but that doesn't matter. They're hilarious. No, but Tony, I've been doing these walnuts in my hand. This random subreddit came on my computer called Winwan walnuts. And Tony, I've been doing it. My hands already really sweaty.

And I just sit in my little desk and I put them, roll them in my hands. And then I brushed them like their little pets for, I don't know, an hour or two at a time. And then I'm slowly seeing this color. change. I've literally been doing that. You've been brushing walnuts? For hours in a time. Yeah, brushing walnuts. How much do you love brushing walnuts? Tony, it's like one of the best things.

Have it a man! Whoa! Wow. Red Panda's not look impressed whatsoever. Yeah, he doesn't like it. Does you look up a picture? Oh, they're really wonderful. They feel good in your hand. They're really enjoyed it. I don't think we need to look up a picture.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like a walnut. Wow. Guys, any parting words for William Montgomery? Steve, oh, you've seen William. I have. I think you look particularly healthy. Yeah, that is true. I believe that you've been on the rowing machine, every bit as much as you claim,

and I think so far the joke of the night was growing machine. I really enjoyed that. Thank you. Red Band makes it very easy by being a disgusting monster. Gives me enough to make fun of. He really does his job. Look at him. What a little cutie buy. Wait, so the walnuts are changing color? Yeah, they're changing color. They change from a kind of a beige color

to this very dark red color, and that takes a couple of years, so I'm going to have to be handling these walnuts for years at a time, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm up for the task. Wow. Wow. Up for the challenge?

Up for the task. And I do it, I don't know, four hours a day now. But it's nice. It keeps my hands literally busy, Doty. It's good. I'm not looking up porn. I'm not doing anything bad. I'm just messing with.

with the walnuts. Seriously. I'm trying to figure out if you healthier is even more unhinged. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. But I like it. I like it.

Don't change. Thank you. What do you do with your mind when your hands are occupied with the nuts? Thinking about stuff, I mean, again, I was thinking about Redbegant's mom. I was fucking losing weight. When he used to drink and say all this crazy shit, it made sense because we were like, all that crazy drunk guy on all the drunk. When he's sober, it's just fucking weird, right?

It really is. He's healthier than ever, and he's just, he's up for the challenge. Up for the task, up for the challenge, Tony. William, everybody loves you. We love you. How about one more time for William, Montgomery? You got the show started tonight. We're off and running.

And on to the bucket we go. This is where the magic happens. This is where every single person that's ever been on this show comes from. It's very exciting. We're going to meet your first bucket. at once. Goes by the name of Chase Alexander, everybody. Your first bucket pool of the

night is Chase. Brothership, how we doing? I'm not doing good, guys. People say fucked up shit to me all the time, man. Someone said I look divorced. I'm 30, all right? Another person said I look like Will Smith is my favorite rapper.

And then someone else said I look like a substitute that just got out of prison. I'm like, all right, that's three insults. two people in this group chat. This is why I never asked my parents for shit anyways, you know? Like I'm going on a date, I'm trying to send the selfie. How do I look in this shirt? This is what they fucking say to me.

But I go on the date, and I'm getting fatter. I'm trying to articulate that in my profiles, right? So, like, every photo I get, like, a little bit fatter. And, like, the current one is, like, what I am now. But I go on this date. The chick's looking at the phone, looking at me. And she's like, you look like a Russian doll that ate all the other versions of yourself.

And I'm like, are you in that fucking group chat with my parents? because, like, that is just too fucking good. But I am seeing a chick right now, believe it or not. And I feel like I can really get the best of both worlds with her because she's got a master's degree and a DUI. Guys, I've been Chase Alexander. That's my time. Thank you so much.

Chase Alexander, welcome, welcome. Thank you. Have you been on this show before? I have not, no. Okay, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Where at?

San Diego. That's where you live now? Yeah. Okay, what do you do for work? I got a boring tech. job and then I work at a comedy club at night and do hosting and just what comedy club? American comedy company

nice yeah red band's going to be there in the July hell yeah nine through 11th I'll keep all the homeless out I'm the door guy so there you go some of those San Diego homeless people it's hard they're everywhere you guys know Austin knows yeah

okay so you're with a girl that has a master's degree and a DUI is that true? I'm a understood it's a nursing degree. I thought she said she was a doctor. So yeah, that's not true. No. But your girlfriend has a degree? Uh, no, she's, I'm not dating her either. She's, uh, Oh, not real everybody. No, no, no. I tried to make it last, but, uh, you know, I really did want someone with a degree. How long you, that's a requirement for you? Yeah, I mean, clearly, look at me, I'm degree worthy, you know? How tall are you? Uh, five, eight and a half. I would take a diploma, a high school

diploma if I was... Yeah. Hey, I'm trying to shoot for the stars, you know? So, are you dating anyone at all? No, I'm not dating anyone right now. Okay. I'm living with my grandma, so it's hard to get pussy. When you live with your grandma, yeah.

Where was that in your minute? I had a little more about her. You know, she's Jewish and just doesn't shut up about it, so that's pretty annoying sometimes, but hadn't gotten to it yet. Are you Jewish? Not technically, because.

She's my dad's mom, and it's like the mom's side, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. What is living with your grandma actually like? Do you see her first thing in the morning when you wake up? Yeah. Does she make you breakfast? No, she, I just try to avoid her as much as I can because she gives me anxiety.

And I work at home, so I'm, like, trapped with her, you know? Exactly. What does she do that gives you anxiety? Tell us, like, the worst parts of living with your grandma. Just spoke a piece. Why don't you go out and get some pussy? Time. That's a part of it.

I guess just like constant panic attacks that like I have to deal with. And then she's like, maybe I should die. And I'm like, all right. Like, I can't deal with this shit. I'm not qualified. So it's a little stressful, you know. How long have you lived with your grandma? Like six months.

Okay. Yeah, it's pretty new. What made you move in with her? Grandpa died. Ooh, how did grandpa die? He just got cancer. I think she honestly killed him because he did not want treatment. He was like, I'm good to die, let me go.

What kind of cancer did he have? Pancreatic. Works every time. Get that motherfuckinacic party started. Yeah. Now, when somebody has a job in tech, you don't imagine they're living with their grandma. What do you do in tech?

I work with cities to help modernize their transit stuff. You're degree worthy, man. Thank you, thank you. Have you ever been with a girl that has a degree? I mean, probably not, but I'm not... You know, I just started looking for the degree women, so, you know... Have you ever been with a girl? I have, I have.

Thank you, thank you. One or two, you know. Is Will Smith your favorite rapper? No, but people say I look like someone who would be like that, you know? Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I like you.

Thank you. I like you too, Steve, though, Steve. Oh, thank you. Have you ever tried to take a girl back to your grandma's house? No, but I think I could because my grandma's room is far away. It's got her own bathroom and I could close the doors. And the doctor has up to her nighttime Lyrica. Ooh, Lyrica.

What is that? Her stay-at-home black nurse? Yeah. Lyrica Jenkins, University Alabama, linebacker. I wish. I need Lyrica in my life. That's right. Bad news. Lyrica. There's not a Lyrica in the world that has a degree, buddy. Where are you, Lyrica? They don't even have degree the deodorant.

Oh, come on. What are you talking about? What exactly is he implying there? D-Madness is laughing. Deez is laughing. We're good. All right. Chase Alexander, before I get you out of here, tell us what is the most interesting thing about your entire life's history? What's something crazy that you've been part of, maybe an award that you won, maybe a special skill or talent that you have, that you excel at, something like that. There must be something in which out of your entire life. There we go. What is it? People really think my earlobes are soft. Really?

Yeah. Come over here. Let me see this. Oh, no, you've gone to Tony's trap. No, those are normal earlobes. Oh, no, you fell into his trap. People have been lying to me. Everyone told me they're soft. You know, that was kind of my thing,

and I guess I don't have a thing now, you know, fuck. Is anyone besides Grandma told you this? Red Man has softer earlobes than you did. Well, he's probably got a lot of lotion on him. He's a moisturized man, you know? Rumors are about me. That's crazy. Amazing.

Well, Chase, since the most interesting thing about you is your very normal earlobes. Is there anything else? You don't have any hobbies or anything like that? There's nothing that you're passionate about in life. You just do your tech job, fucking wait for Grandma to fall asleep, and then jerk off.

And do it again the next day. I do mics and then I jerk off. Yeah, yeah, that's the order. But, I mean, yeah, no, I don't got, I don't know, I'm fucking, yeah, I've got shit. I just worked. Ever catch you or anything? She doesn't really see more than, like, 10 feet out,

so I'm pretty good if I just... So sometimes... Sometimes you just do it in the same room just across. I could get away with like a real dim light. I could do dirty. Wow. Imagine this all from the grandmother's perspective, by the way. Your husband died.

You're waiting for the end yourself and your fucking in-cell grandson. It's fucking brutal, dude. You guys don't know any guns, do you? Uh, maybe? No, don't do that. No killing yourself. At least not until six months after this episode airs

so that we don't get blamed for it. Perfect, perfect. No, Chase, fun times. You've been doing it three years. You're out there hustling in San Diego. Sign up again next time. Keep up the good work. And here's a medium-sized joke book for you, Chase.

There goes Chase Alexander. And the bucket has begun, ladies and gentlemen. You see what it is. Anything can happen. That young... That young buck. Ooh, it's Heidi and Val, everybody. What a special treat.

What did we miss there? What just happened? They kiss? Oh, my God. Wow. Chase Alexander's earlobes just got hard. All right. Hello there.

This podcast is sponsored by Quo. If your team is still operating like a group chat with commitment issues, that's a problem. eventually you look at the chaos sigh and you think let's fucking quo that's why today's episode is brought to you by quo spelled q uo the smarter way to run your business communications quo is the number one rated business phone system on g2 with over 3,000 reviews built on how modern teams work that's why more than 90,000 businesses from solo operators to growing teams rely on quo to stay connected professional and consistently reachable red band tony i love quo it's the best business phone system out there quote works wherever you are right from an app on your phone or a computer and lets you keep your existing number. Add new numbers or teammates and minutes. Sink your CRMs and rely on seamless routing and call flows as your business scale. That's right. Quo isn't just a phone system. It's a smart system. Quo's AI automatically logs calls, generates summaries and highlights next step so nothing gets lost. You can even qualify leads or respond after hours, ensuring your business

stays responsive even when you're finally offline. Make the time where no opportunity and no customers slips away. Try Quo for free. Plus, get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash kiltony. That's QUO.com slash kiltony. Quo. No miss calls. No miss customers. Everybody, your next bucket pool looks like another new name goes by the name of Timmy D. Timmy D. Oh, this party's just getting... Make some noise with Timmy D, everybody. First try!

Sony, somebody told me back there, this shirt looks, is racist. I'll tell you, what's racist is elephants. You never hear any white people getting killed by an elephant. How much did you got to be not paying attention to get killed by an elephant? I'd be like, hey, look, y'all.

It comes... Here comes the elephants. Olae! Anyways, worst part about getting killed by elephant is you're laying there and, uh, I'm going, I'm going blank. You're like, well, yeah, well, I've been killed by elephant. And it's exactly the opposite of what you thought it would be like when you, when you died. You're surrounded by, surrounded by loved ones, candles, and a priest trying to put his cock in your mouth. And you're like, hey man, I'm dying.

Over here, he goes. And the priest is like, that's what makes it extra dirty. So you're laying there. Reach your time limit. One more time for Timmy D, everybody. Thank you. Or as I call him, Scary the Cable guy.

I'll take that. I'll take that. Timmy, welcome, welcome. It's surreal, Tony. I love it. Look at you. You are just a dream bucket pool. I cannot wait to find out all about you.

The last guy was giving me nothing. That pussy lived with his grandma. Doesn't do anything. I feel like you have fucking bodies buried in the backyard. You know what I'm saying? Anybody that steps foot in your yard is getting... There's carcasses in the back yard. Oh, yeah. Mostly deer and stuff like that.

Okay. Very good, Timmy. How long you've been doing stand-up? Off and on for about 10 years. I love it. All of it here in Texas? No, I went to L.A. You went to L.A.? I did. The first time I ever did it, I got up with the ice house of Pasadena. How many gay men got slaughtered in L.A. when you were...

I got the fuck out of... Yeah. I looked like somebody would slaughter a gay guy. Yeah. I'm learning a lot about myself tonight. You're learning a lot that a mirror could have taught you. This is just... I decided this is what

I'm doing. You know, you just make a decision. This is what I'm fucking... Do you like my boots? It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great, Timmy. Get back up to the mic. It's a wise choice. camouflage. People are wondering what the floating arms are doing out there. Blending in to 6th Street tonight. Timmy, how old are you?

63. Really? Damn, you look great for 63, buddy. I just had a little boy at 60. You had a little boy? I have a little boy that's three years old, turned three years old in January. Oh, my goodness gracious. Is he healthy and everything? Is he okay? Is he healthy? Yeah.

He's kicked me in the balls about 75 times. the last three years so yeah perfect perfect it's doing good what have you been doing for work your whole life to me um I'm a guitar player songwriter engineer producer wow look at you guitar player how long you been playing guitar for since uh I was six oh my god wow uh and um you've been doing that for a living you made all your money for the last well I was a carpet installer for years and then I moved to Nashville and then I I picked up enough work on Broadway.

How old were you when you moved to Nashville? 2002, I moved there. And then my wife and I had a baby, and her family is from Wisconsin. And she just wanted to live up there for a while. I just sold that house, and I'm moving back to Nashville in April. So how many kids do you have total? One that I know about. Well, you said you had one when you were in Nashville.

One, six, yeah, I just had... And then you had a... You lost me, Tony. Then you have a... Then you have a three-year-old. three-year-old. I have a three-year-old. That's all I got.

That's all you got. When I turned 60, I had. Got it. Is this planned, by the way? What's that? Having a baby at 60. What was the question? Yeah.

This is a lot, man. I haven't been on a stage in like four years. Was this a planned pregnancy? How old's the lady you got pregnant? She's going to be 39 in March. Damn, look at you. Yeah, let's go, big dog. Look at you.

Listen. Did she know that she was getting fucked by you? Or did she? Or was the camouflage throwing her off? She thought her dildo had a mind of its own that night. This dildo, the dildo fucked me, and it was trying to tell me jokes the whole time. He was talking about,

wouldn't shut up about elephants for some reason. I thought that, I wrote that bit just to do this. I love it, dude. I did. It was a minute and five seconds, but I missed some stuff, so. Apparently took me longer to tell it. Sure, yeah.

Absolutely. Anyways, so... Uh-huh. It's okay. I'll ask you a question. Come on. Yeah. Don't lose me.

Yeah, we're not losing you, Timmy. I'm very good at this job. And you're exactly the type of person. I watch every week, and that's what I do in my spirit. I watch this show and have anxiety attacks. Because I knew I was going to be here. I knew I just got here last week. And I came here and signed up today.

I knew this was going to happen. Okay. I did. I fucking knew it. It's amazing. Hey, I get it, dude. Intuition is strong. I love it. So, I'm gonna go back to Tim's very good question.

You had a baby three years ago. My wife did. Right, but were you guys planning? You fucking idiot? Yeah. I was way confused. He spent enough time in LA to where he might have a pussy. So Timmy, was it the plan?

Were you like, I want to, let's have a baby. I was in Florida. I was fishing, and I came in from fishing. You caught a baby while fishing? Yeah. And I came in from fishing, she's like, I'm pregnant. I'm like, awesome. Awesome.

No, it's been great. I almost missed it. You don't want to miss that. I almost missed it. You almost missed what? Having children. Oh, the birth. It's unbelievable.

Tell us about it. Is that how you dressed? I have. He wears camo. Did the kid try to crawl back into the pussy when he saw you? Wow, that's a little dark, Tony. Come on. My wife's watching this, I think.

Probably not. Being a new father, do you think you're going to start to, like, get your act together? Well, I don't have a job. I don't. I hustle. I hustle acoustic gigs and do some engineering, some session work. Tony. Bro, you better get good at making fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something.

That bitch is going to leave you. Tony, will you do me a favor? Yeah. Will you ask me about the low point in my musical career? Sure. There you go. What's the low point in your musical career? When I was playing guitar for Blake Shelton for about 10 years.

Okay. Is that it? You're just taking shot at a guy that... It was not good, Tony. Why was it not good? I mean, I was throwing my life away. Would you like to expand on that at all? Well, the low part, the low point, we did Good Morning America.

Uh-huh. And like 6.2 million people watch that show. Yeah, that's what they said. And I was standing there with doing that song, Some Beach. Uh-huh. And I was thinking to myself, there's 6.2 million people just watching me throw my fucking life away right now. That's the... Listen, can you guys play any Blake Shelton songs?

No, we can't. No, you can't plan you. No. Well, that's a YouTube copyright. Are you just taking shots of Blake Shelton, a guy that, paid you for 10 years? The whole reason I'm here. Okay, well, that's great.

No, it's not the whole reason. We don't like it. I thought it would be interesting. It's not. But I will let you play a guitar. Heidi, are you back there? You have the house guitar. Is that thing tuned? We keep it tuned? Okay, we keep it tuned. Heidi.

There she is, everybody. The lovely Heidi. We got a chord for that. We know what we're doing here. Is there anything to drink? What the fuck do you think this is, dude? Michael hand him that. This is like a fucking dream right here, people. Crack it open for him. Michael, open. I need a pit.

They took all my shit and made me put it in that bucket back there. There you go. Take a sip of that. Here's to all the lesbian. Just take a fucking sip of the water. Jesus Christ Almighty. Take a sip of the fucking water.

This is taking way too long. I see why Blake Shelton fired your ass. Very good, Red Band. It's a great mouth noise that we needed. I need a pick. Awesome. You need a pick? What else do you need?

A fucking, some lyrics and talent? Let's go, dude. Let's go. Come on, you just hit D-Madness in the head with your fucking guitar. Get up there. Just play for a little bit. They'll join in. Jesus fucking Christ.

It's got to be an original song. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Timmy, Timmy, look at me. Timmy. You have to play an original song. You can't cover something, okay? YouTube's got wacky rules, and they'll give all the money.

to fucking Blake Shelton if you play his music in the show. Well, I mean, it literally can't be the same chords and sound as anything else. You've been playing guitar for six years. You don't have one fucking original song? I have a cut on Blake. You said you're a songwriter. Yeah. I do.

You cut one of my songs. I played guitar on that fucking record, too. Do you have anything that isn't a famous song or a published song at all? Well, it was supposed to be the next single off the PureBS record, and I got fired, and then I didn't get my song singled, and it cost me about a million. Can you do a solo? Just really rip it? Yeah, just destroy on guitar.

A campfire burning on a Mississippi Riverbank. My own pick-up speakers are cranking out a lot of hank. A sheriff's daughter dancing on my hood. This can't be good Stop it, stop it, stop it, sob it, sob. I've now been informed that he is indeed covering someone else's song. I wrote that song. What do you mean you wrote it?

I wrote that song. But it's out there by somebody else. It's a cut on a Blake Shelton record, and I... Okay. Jesus Christ. Timmy. Do you not listen at all? Oh, my God. Was your parents 60 when they had you?

Wait, what's your sound when you do a good one? No, you had that one sound that we play. It's been so long since you made a good joke that we literally... Oh, there it is. It's this one, right? Red Band! With a joke that made the whole room laugh at once. Timmy, we appreciate your approach.

We're going to have to edit that one part out where you play the song because it literally... I'm doing the publishing on that song. I'll pay you to leave it in. I don't believe you. I don't believe. Google, this can't be good by Blake Joan writer. It says, Timmy, D. Armant. I swear to God.

All right, Timmy, you're out of here. I love it. Good job. It's good enough for a big joke book. I'll tell you that. Entertaining interview, there he goes. There he goes, there he goes, there he goes. There he goes.

Timmy, go. There he goes. Okay, fucking go. Jesus, fucking Christ. Back to Nashville, you go. Tony, I don't mean to be like paranoid or anything, but he really violated that microphone while he was... Oh, it was unbelievable.

His nose, his lips. You guys couldn't see from where you were, but his entire face is... I'm a little worried about whoever talks into it next. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe we can switch it. Yeah, they're going to get some fucking...

They're going to get some Herc... Nashville Herpes from the 1960s. All right, your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. She's been on this show before. Funny young lady goes by the name of Emily Wade, everybody. Here we go. I'm from Boston. You can't really hear it from my accent

unless I say certain words like fact. Or khakis. Or suck my fucking dick bitch. You know, the classics. My guy friend heard my accent once. And he was like, Emily, I think it's kind of hot that you have a Boston accent. Do you use it?

in the bedroom. I was like, what the fuck do you think I do in there? I'm just like, how to... Faster. No, you show me who's in charge, Daddy. I want you to pack that big mag truck right and have it garage. Or whatever catty bee says.

I was having sex recently, though, and he was hitting it from the back, and I don't know where I just turn and go, use me like a fucking fleshlight. Sex stops, immediately. Nothing will get you softer than Mark Wahlberg's voice coming out of my body.

Thank you guys so much. Wow! Emily, wait! Wow! Unbelievable. That was fantastic. You've been on this show before, but that was your best set yet, for sure. Thank you.

Welcome, welcome. Remind everybody. How long have you been on stand-up? I'm coming up on three years now. Three years. And you're originally from Boston, but before this, you were in Miami? Yes, I was. Is there anything you miss about Miami? Besides the hookers?

Yes, is there anything? I really miss the weather. It's fucking cold in Austin, even though it only gets to like 60 degrees out here. Yeah. Well, it'll get warm. To say the least, it's going to get real hot. Is there anything you miss about Boston?

Yeah, the people. We're such assholes up there. I love it. I made eye contact with somebody on the train the other day. And I was like, why the fuck are you looking at me? shit. Avert your eyes,

Ogo. Sorry. No, it's great. You really are from Boston. Fuck, yeah. And how's Austin treating you? What do you love about Austin, Texas? You know,

I really love the outdoor people. They always bring entertainment. It's fantastic. I'm never bored here. Are you talking about the homeless? That's a great word for them. I've never thought about that before.

We have a lot of outdoor people. people here. It's brilliant. I thought she was talking about like Patagonia Vesca. A lot of people dress like Timmy D. out there. A lot of camouflage muscle shirts. Outdoor people.

Amazing. Amazing. What do you do for fun around town when you're not doing stand-up, Emily? I don't want to tell you what I do because I don't want to make you make me do it. But I love karaoke. Oh, my God. I'm a big karaoke. Unfortunately, we already had a guy do a little karaoke right before you.

I swear to God, I wrote that song, Tony. Oh, shit, I just accidentally had another baby. I love it. What do you guys think about Steve-O-Tim? What do you guys think about Emily? I loved it. And I'm just mesmerized by the tattoo of a jellyfish on your arm. Hey, my eyes are up here, Steveo.

Yeah, all I can see is this jelly. Why did you get a jellyfish tattooed on your arm? Okay, so I'm really scared of the ocean, but I love the ocean. One day my karate sensei showed me his tattoo. Your karate sensei? He's overpower. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a second-degree black belt.

Are you serious? Yeah, but don't ask me to show you anything, because I'm kind of fat and how to practice. No, come on. There must be some... Can you do just one little front kick or something? You know, she's so pretty. You want me to beat the shit out of the blue-haired liberal?

Yeah, actually she's perfect. Blue-haired lady that looks like she wants to protest the show. Why don't you just take a front kick? Let this poor, let this ice protester from Minneapolis take a... All right. What kind of shoes are you wearing? Um, Nike's? Yeah, you could throw a kick.

Throw a kick. Come on, Michael, give me that kick music. Whoa! Oh my goodness gracious. That's incredible. Thank you. I'm here all week. So let's go back to it. Your karate sense. Rata sensei. Uh-huh.

Had a tattoo? He had a tattoo of a spider and I was like, why the fuck do you have a black widow spider? He was like, I'm terrified of spiders. So he was like, I put something that scares me on my body, so I have to face my fear every day. And I was like 15. I was like, whoa, that's so fucking deep. And then I got money and my buddy tattooed me in his bed and it was a jellyfish. Yeah, that's a tithe fish.

Yeah, that tattoo looks like it was done laying down in bed. That's incredible. Steve, though. Is that why you have a dick on your forehead? My sensei told me to get whatever I'm most scared of. If I did that, it would be a vagina on my forehead. Wow, you have a jellyfish. That's incredible.

Yeah, Red Band's thinking about getting it. He's going to get a peanut butter in jellyfish tattoo. Wow, Emily, what else was going on in life since the last time we saw you? Anything else crazy? I did my first three feature spots in the past year, which is very exciting. Nice. Thank you. Longer sets, for those of you that might not know, that's the spot in between the opener

and the headliner on the road. Usually 15, 20, 30 minutes. It's a growth spurt. Your karate sense would be very proud. He did me very well. Yeah, Stevo. Who did you feature for? I featured for Davy Jacks, and then I did, like, two different feature spots in, like, showcases.

Oh, sweet. Do you have any other tattoos? Nothing as nice as your eyebrow one. Oh, thanks. I have, I can show you, I have this one. Sorry, my bad. I'll clean it after, guys. It's fine. This one says, never less. Ooh.

And this one says, never more. And again, I thought it was deep as fuck, okay? Wow. Oh, wow. You must be scared of bad tattoos. Sit on in, rotate. Emily, I would love to help you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom, you just got booked on the Secret Show.

Here's a big joke book. Emily Wade, ladies and gentlemen, growing. I love it when people get better and better on this show. Sometimes, every once in a while, people stay stagnant, people get worse. Turns out that one minute that they did the one time was their best minute, and they haven't been writing. How about one more time for Emily Wade? We're going to keep it moving on here. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Blake Apatow, everybody.

Here we go. Great to be here. What's so, folks? I don't know how you all feel about immigration, but I feel like all things, and we need some balance. Like, I think we should build a wall, but we should also install a doggie door for hot Latinas. We need them desperately. I think we should import millions of gorgeous Latinas. And for every Latina we import, we can deport one obese white chick.

Maybe two to one or three to one. I don't know what the exchange rate is. My big white gal. It's been a tough year. My best friend died from a fake Xanax that had fentanyl in it. Yeah, he would take Xanax to help him chill out. Now he's about as chill as you can possibly get. eternally chill.

And my other friend FaceTimed him the night he died. He still feels horrible. Feels like he could have saved him somehow. Imagine how I feel. I sold him that Xanax. Thank you, folks. Blake Appetal. Welcome to the show, Blake.

Thank you, sir. How are you? Doing wonderful. You've been on before, right? Yeah, recently. Yeah. This was better than last time, right? Definitely.

Much better. Hell yeah. You've been picturing this and preparing for it mentally. Yeah, brother. And writing and doing open mics. Definitely. How often do you get on stage a week? Yeah, so just in the last couple months I've really found an upshift that I was probably

doing on average the last couple years in Austin, maybe three minutes a week. And now I'm doing like 30 minutes a week. There you go. It shows, it shows my friend. Amazing. Love the ideas the whole way through. Did you really have a best friend that died? Yeah, it's actually, he was like my middle school best.

friend. And it's kind of a complicated death, you know, because we jacked each other off as middle schoolers. Ah. So, tech. Yeah. Now our secret is, yeah, it's safe. It's six feet underground. Yeah. He made you come and you made him go. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Obviously, you didn't really sell him that Xanax. That's a joke. Correct. Okay, correct. Because I had to ask, because I had to ask. because you literally look like you sells bad Xana. Yeah, yeah. People try to buy Coke from me all the time.

I bet. You look like an outdoor person. I get that. But he looks like a really fucking hot outdoor person. I mean, yeah. It is amazing. I work in the neighborhood and some hotel valet. The other day he saw me.

He was like, dude, I don't know your vibe. I can't figure out. I can't figure out if you're a billionaire or homeless. Yeah, that's fair. It's Perkissette Forrest Gump. Yeah. Chris Delotted. Yeah.

You get a lot of girls. You're a good-looking guy. You dress like a, like your trans or something. I do okay. I do okay. A lot of women just like instantly, yeah, either they filmy or they don't, I guess. They make it very clear if they don't. Sometimes I'll kind of wander up in short shorts and shirtless and flip-flops and around like Lady Bird Lake and instantly a girl.

I'll just go to say hi. I'm like, not interested. All right? Fair. That makes sense. Yeah, we try. But every once in a while, one of them is into it. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Any of them with alive dads?

Ah, I don't know about that, brother. I don't know about that. Can you give us an example of a time that it went extremely well for you? Ooh. Yeah. You ever just bang a chick against a tree there, Lady Bird Lake? Ooh! One time I went on a Tinder date by the Lady Bird Lake, and she was a mom.

And we kind of strolled for an hour. got dark, and then we sat at a bench, and she ended up blowing me twice. Twice. I didn't even want the second one. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Deep Madness is going to meet this girl right now.

Enjoy, Barry. Enjoy. Where the fuck is Lady Bird Lake at? This fucking motherfucker. Heck yeah. It's amazing. She made you come twice. Well, I guess when you're used to getting jerked off

by middle school boys. It's pretty exciting. Get your dick sucked on a park bench. I thought you would know. So explain to us twice. How much time is in the middle there, and are you using Blu-chewy using the promo code kill tone? Sounds like a good idea.

Maybe in the future. But, no, so we were kind of just hanging out, and people were coming slowly, sporadically, and then we started kind of hooking up, started going for it. And then it was very hot because people were coming. like she had to, we had to stop the blowjob multiple times and like kind of pretend like we were doing

nothing and then like cover it up and very hot for her to resume that. What did you cover it up with? Oh, I just threw the pants on quickly and then I kind of like threw my leg over. I was curious if you maybe had like a newspaper. And so one of the times she makes you climax.

Oh yeah. And then how much time goes in between the first blowjob and the second blowjob? An uncomfortable amount. I wasn't even ready really for the second one. It was clear that she wanted that. 20 or 30 minutes? No. Longer than that?

Two or three minutes. Wow. Yeah, but it was so hot. Like, I'm not even an exhibitionist, but I guess then I discovered I kind of was. And I don't know, yeah, and it's like, it's beautiful. I know, I mean, obviously blow jobs are amazing anywhere, but in nature, with the sounds of the little evening squalls.

And yeah, and that's just, that's just you. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Do you know how many kids this mother had? She had one. How old is that kid?

I think it's seven? Wow. Just think about that. You were all seven at one point. Your mom could have been sucking outdoor people cock at the park. Think about that. And no one wants to believe that your mom would do it. But just remember, she did.

Your mom's all suck. All right. Amazing. Red Band. Tony, what kind of car do you think he'd drive? This is easy. I'm going to go with a bird scooter. Now, you are a Mitsubishi eclipse?

Oh, is it. Oh, 6 Mustang GT. Okay. But currently, you're on the money, scooter. Right. So I am right. Yeah. It really is a scooter.

But I prefer the lime bike. That's, like, classy than me. That's like a millionaire kind of version of the scooter. Hell yeah. What do you mean currently? What happened to the car? Well, I got a... D-U-I.

Yeah, no 100% a year ago. Really? Yeah, spot on. Just almost wrapped it up now. Take us through that. Oh, God. What exactly happened that night? Okay.

A couple drinks with my coworker and a couple comments that came back to kind of haunt me that night. I was like, wow, I'm so proud of my drinking lately. I've been being so responsible. And then I, after like two or three drinks, I went and stopped in to get a drink at my friend's bar. And I genuinely, remember that first drink, nothing at all for the next four hours, complete blackout, complete blackout, came out of the blackout with multiple cops with firearms on me.

Yeah. Yep. Let me ask you this. How many drinks did you have at that second bar? Did your buddy tell you? Did he tell you the next day or whatever? So that's the thing is I was too shameful. I didn't even go back and ask, honestly.

But I had a number of drinks. Is this buddy the same guy that? He blew? Maybe he... His revenge. You're getting all the stories cross here. It was a hand job. It wouldn't suck his buddy's dick.

I mean, that'd be gay. And that's the thing he says, we did, you know? We did actually blow each other. Oh, yeah. So, FYI, yeah, 13-year-old boys give terrible head. God awful. Wow. Wow.

Wouldn't recommend. Wow. Clip it. I'm on my Epstein shit. That's a brand new sentence. I'm a young Epstein. I'm looking for my Gis Lane. Amazing.

Just Lane is in prison. Amazing, Blake Apatown. Did you know at the time it was terrible? Or was it after, you know, you finally had a woman's touch that you went, wow, that was actually not that good? No, it was so bad. It was mid, bro. Yeah.

It was really terrible on impact. But it was so nice to have... somebody touching me. For reference, it wasn't my first blowjob. I was able to self-suck when I was a 13-year-old. So it was just nice to have somebody else sucking it, man. Right. Yeah.

Goals, got to get back to class. Red Band, you got any secret show spots left? What you, pervert? Get yourself a hand job, Red Band. Can you still self-suck? No, bro. I lost the magic power, dude. Heidi, bring out the yoga mat.

Have you tried recently? I haven't tried recently. You haven't? No, I haven't. Now, when you would self-suck, Tim, hold on to that question, because I want to get back to that. But when you would self-suck, would you go on your back legs up and over,

or would you go get hard, Indian-style, hunch over the old Master Yoda, you know? Yeah. So I tried everything. I'm an experimental guy. I will say I was kind of a pro level, though. I could self-suck just standing up. I could just bend over.

Can you show us exactly? Can I get a drum roll and you show us exactly? Stivo's very interested. He's getting ready for jackass six over here. Whoa! Very good. Okay, you said you could self-suck until you were 13. Yeah.

So at what age did the goo come out and how? How did you handle that? Well, that's the thing is, I started jacking off and I had goo, and then I was sucking with goo. So I had like a hot six months run. Okay, so what were you doing with the goo? You know what? I was swallowing it, but... Yeah.

This is Kill Tony, 2026. And for that, my friend, you're leaving here with that. a big joke, but. He just catches it in his mouth and swallows it. Blake Appetal. I love you. Thank you. I'm trying to figure out what was the crazier confession.

Sucking his buddy's dick when he was 13 or swallowing his own... Yeah. Somehow it's less gay if it's your own dick, isn't it? I think almost everyone agrees. Yeah. Yeah. But that was heavy. That was really, really heavy. You know, most people online that have sucked their own dick

say it feels less like getting your dick sucked and more like you're sucking a dick. Yeah. It's like an elbow. Yeah. Red Band said on an episode that he used to be able to do that. We put it to the test. His head was about three feet away from it.

The belly now. Yeah, the belly blocks everything. I used to only be able to do the tip of me. It was so horrible. Red Band has a four-foot-long penis, everybody. Wow. Amazing. Let's get another bucket pull up here before going to one of our great regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Good, everybody.

Michael Good. All right. I had to go to a baby funeral, and I'll make it silly. but uh... I don't know why I thought I was going to see other babies at the funeral I'm just looking around like I guess this wasn't one of the popular ones that's the only funeral where you can't talk to the coffin with the same voice that you talk to the person when they were alive you can just come up like you might if I say a few words a divit-dib-div-div-div-div-div-div-do-do-do-do-do-do-oh

a lady got mad at me recently for saying the word retarded this woman's like you're saying the R-word? What year is it? And I was like, this retard doesn't even know what year it is. Bless her heart. Wow.

What the fuck can I say? Holy shit. Amazing. Michael Good has entered the Kill Tony Universe. Welcome, welcome, my friend. Where have you been doing comedy at this whole time?

So I've been in New York for about seven years now. Two years in Florida, and about seven in New York. Wow. You are, fucking hilarious. Dude, thank you, man. What brings you to Austin?

I was just kind of going down here, trying to do shows, and I have some friends in the scene, so I was like, let me just mix it up and get down here for two weeks. Amazing, amazingly talented. Where do you tend to perform in New York City? My two main spots are New York Comedy Club, then the Grisley Pair. Nice.

Yeah, you're doing it, dude. That's hilarious. What's the longest set you've ever done? I've done 50, but it's fucking stretch. Like, it's like the headliner road gigs that are just like, like, dude, on Saturday, it was like nobody below 65. in like Greenville, Texas. Sure.

Yeah. That happens. Yeah. That's part of the game. Have you open for people? Do you feature for people? Anything like that? No, I mean, I'm featured for one of my friends

doing one online next month, but then for the most part it's just road gigs and club spot. But like, like, low-level headliner gigs. Right. You are fantastic. Do you make a living doing stand-up in New York? No. No, I'm poor as shit right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sold feed picks like two days ago. Really? Yeah. Yeah, my podcast listeners, they're into the feat. And I waited to the last minute. Then I was like, ah, fuck it. We have a, D-Madness is into feet.

He's coming back in. He just got done getting a double blowjob at Lady Bird Lake. He thinks it was Lady Bird Lake. It was really, it was really just a piss stream in the alleyway. But we told him it was Lady Bird Lake. Anyway. Michael, tell us more about your life. What else about you?

Such great jokes, so well-ranked. Thank you. So perfectly executed. What else? Well, I grew up doing pretty well, so this is a big drop-ups. Like, I grew up rich. Yeah. Just getting blown to my dad's Rangerover, and then now I sell plasma and feedpicks.

So, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm like a washed-up Disney Channel star. It feels like just fucking... Amazing. What did Dad do for a living? He works in real estate. Nice.

And that was in Florida? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What part of Florida? Orlando. Yeah. Hell yeah. The home of Cam Patterson.

Yes. Did you know Cam when you were coming up? So I went back for the holidays because I lived in New York and he buried me when he was like six months in. And I'm like, how long is that guy I'm doing comedy? Like six months? I was like, yeah, I'm going to kill myself. That was fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a special freak. Yeah, he's great. I love it. And so you still live in New York? Yes, I leave tomorrow actually. What's your situation like? How many square footage? You live by yourself?

No, two other comics. under a train basically. Okay. Allowed. Is it a two-bedroom? No, it's three bedrooms. One toilet, though. You got your own bedroom.

What part of town? Brooklyn, Williamsburg. Brooklyn. So you're sharing one toilet with three, two other dudes? Two dudes, yeah. Wow, what's that like? It is, it's pretty brutal. I can break into my laundry room's bathroom.

The landlord locks that, but I'll just go in there and break it if I really have to take it, though. Wow. crazy. He has one toilet, three dudes. I live by myself and have three toilets. We're like the opposite. We're like opposites, Michael Good. This is incredible. I have toilets I've never even seen before, Michael. Just to let you know when you think about me, just remember. I love it. What else about your life? Tell us more. You're so funny and interesting. Dude, thank you. I, I'm bad with money,

so I put money towards becoming a UFO field investigator. Yeah. Because I want like the ID. Like you get a card from this thing called Mufon, the mutual UFO network. And I'm like, you'd have like a little badge with my face on it. It seems like I could do a lot of fun with that.

So a lot of plans that don't actually move my career forward. And I'm like, why do I spend 300 bucks on that? Wow, what else? You slinging cut co knives or anything like that? Like, you just have the wildest money-making. schemes. It is absolutely incredible. Yeah. I'm trying to think ways to make money or how to... How much money do you have? How much money do you have saved up right now?

This is the only show in the world where people ask that question. By people I mean me. I have 600. 300 is borrowed. Right now, yeah. You gave away 300. No, you're borrowing 300. 300 of the 600 is borrowed. And who did you borrow it from a friend or a parent or... A parent, yeah. Okay. Are they charging interest? Your dad only...

real estate is there an APR or something like that no no no no it was a secret one that my mom's like no no oh we love those secret mom borrowings I never got one in my life that's why I ended up wildly successful but yeah I mean you can't have people helping you know and I mean you got a fucking struggle yeah so what is that extra 300 doing for you exactly what are you doing what are you doing with that extra 300 that you wouldn't have done had you not had it just getting rent covered so I can like Yeah, and I'm gonna pay it back.

Of course. Plasma, feet picks. She doesn't have to know where I got her from. Yeah, exactly. She might be the one to support you secretly without dad knowing, she might be the one buying your feet picks. That's yeah. Just something to keep in mind, sweetheart, I just want to like,

I'll do anything. Just don't let dad know. Dad's tough on you, huh? Yeah, yeah, but he's a good dude. But he believes in what you're doing. Yeah, yeah. We've got some argument. We got an argument a couple months back.

I was like, I don't even ever have this conversation. I've never borrowed money from you. And then like two months later, I was like, oh, shit, I got to ask this guy for money. But he's supported, but I don't know. He's like, you know, we'll see. But, yeah, I don't know. Amazing. You remind me of the guy from office space.

Oh, yeah, I get that a lot. Yeah, yeah. How much money do you get for plasma? And have you ever done double red? Because that pays more, right? Double what? Double red? No one knows what you're talking about.

How do you know about this? Are you selling plasma? Red Pan's buying plasma. Every six months, bro. I think we just found out how COVID started everybody. Red band donating plasma to fucking people in Wuhan. Your dad doesn't know shit. You're going to make it. Thank you, dude. I appreciate that.

Thank you, man. I appreciate that a lot. He's a good dude. You just cautiously supportive. Yeah, fuck your dad. I'm gonna beat the fuck out of your dad. I'll tell you what, you've been doing comedy in New York for seven years total. What do you think the greatest venue to possibly play in all of New York is?

Like outside comedy? Like Madison Square Garden. That is correct. And I want you to tell your dad that you will be doing a minute on Keltony in August at the greatest arena. in the world, Madison Square Garden. Everybody, here's a big joke, folks. We'll see you in August at Madison Square Garden tickets. Going on sale extremely soon.

I'm technically not supposed to announce that it's supposed to be a surprise, but we do it every year. We go to Madison Square Garden every year, just like every other podcast does. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the greatest regular. in this show's history here. An absolute phenom, a freak of nature that was once at one point known as the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the Dark Storm of Austin,

here with a brand new minute, like he does every single week, every single episode. No weeks off. This is Dedrick Flynn. Armadillos are just Mexican turtles. I thought that's what the word armadillo mean. Because I've been trying to create some secret ooze to turn these niggas into teenage mutant ninja Mexican turtle.

You don't even gotta change the name. You know what I'm saying? It's just Ravale, Leonardo, but I'm Master Splinter. Now that I got y'all in a silly thing, I gotta get to some beef that I got. Fuck the nigger who made the low battery noise and smoke detectors. Me, they smoke detector don't never go off.

That shit be on. 15 years. Nigger, either kill yourself or not. I hate a battery that don't actually want to die. But then now I know it's a conspiracy. They turned us into sleeper agents. They want us to be ghetto. Because in 2001, I opened up the smoke detector.

And if y'all remember, Doris L used to be able to have these buttons that you could press and see how much energy was left in the battery. Nigger, it was full. I'm done. I'm such a shit too fast. Dedrick. Fucking unbelievable. Every single time.

My God. Oh, my God. So many great references. The armadillo really is a Mexican turtle. Your take on the battery is incredible. I forgot about Duracel's amazing technology back then. Yeah. It was an interesting thing.

I mean, you would almost, what? We would kind of take things out just to check. You would, like, take the batteries out. Yep, still there. Super cool technology. It was. You know why it chirp though, even though the battery is full?

Say something mean. No, it's because that means the sensor was done. You had to replace it. It wasn't the battery. It was the sensor. It expires after like three years. How come my white friends didn't have no sensors, right? Well.

Please tell me more about your fucking technology that your people did to my black people to make us poorer than what we thought, because we can't have a full conversation about somebody going, ah! Yeah. Well, we did this, we have the same thing. The white people have this same thing,

but when we hear it, we do whatever it takes to stop it. That shit be over there, Tony. We ain't got time. I got to knock down cobwebs and shit. I got to go outside to be black in the 90s. It was a lot. Steve-O. I, uh, I did what it took to stop mine.

I got a fucking broom and I fucking javelin that thing. No more smoke detective. Have you ever thought about taking a gun holding it sideways and shooting the smoke detector? Yeah, the other day I got a fucking gun and I fucking went up there and I fucking... I robbed that niggas voice.

No, that's my impression to you. I'm so sorry. It's not me being mean. I love you. Black people love you. Thank you so much. Hey, man, I love you. I love you too, man.

And it get uncanny? That's my black Steebo impression. Wait. This is Steebo saying, Nigger, nigger. That's amazing. That's amazing. I've always wondered

what it would sound like coming from that voice. Nigel, y'all got to check out wild boys. You got to check out Dragon fire the movie. Black Sceipa gonna be in there. I think you got a new character. Sebo Harvey.

Welcome to the feud. score boy famip you says what do you call mexican turtles so dedrick you did it again what else is have you seen an armadillo i've seen a lot no i saw one when i was high and i never want to see that nigger again they really are a freaky little bit that shit them niggas move too quick you know what's why they're not turtles yeah a turtle take his time say what's up to you cannot cross here yeah like an armadillo that That nigga just run up on you and he want a taco or some shit like that. You know what I'm saying?

It's really like an armored raccoon from Mexico. That's true. From my deep research to see one of them niggins and I never want to see... I keep... Actually, if two more, I'm moving back to Atlanta. If I see two more armadillos, why the fuck y'all got them out here? We should do something. You can't even eat them niggas without getting like an STD or some shit like that.

Because I looked into it, Tony. You know why I cook. I wanted to make some... Armadillo fried rice. How about bats? You've seen a lot of bats here in Austin? No, I'm waiting for the bats to come out. Yeah.

I bought a little mini bike, and I bought a Batman costume. And I'm gonna go Dita. You might have bats in your place to not know about it, because they hang from the ceiling and chirp every once in a while. Like, bats, not blacks, but... Bats. Is it a bat history month? the bats.

It is. It's bad history month. March is bad history month. Was that your joke? You put the mic down immediately. Tim, we're friends. Don't do this. Bads are just black birds. That's why they be hanging all the time.

Let's go. The butterly hingecliff connection. Alive and well. Oh man, I wish I was well equipped to say something back, but just... You wish there was an N-word for white people? They have crows of them. Oh, we do have, they have white words.

They have like N-words for white people you can't say. Yeah, crows are different though. That's a whole different thing. They're out there working the fields and everything. That's a whole different world. You guys would never. The bats eat the insects because I googled it because I was dating a white witch one time.

And that bitch had a bat box in the backyard so she could have bats to take care of the mosquitoes. Because down south, I'm mosquitoes bigger than me. and like they got to eat all that that's why we got lightning bugs I don't know you y'all like lightning bugs y'all call what fireflies out here

that's dumb as fuck nigger them shit is called lightning bugs in the real south you know what I remember lightning bugs very well awesome I don't really see them no they don't have them out here

they don't have them out here you know Batman didn't have a father either they got those ones it looked wait red band ladies and gentlemen bring up the sound effect I don't know if you guys heard it.

It happened quick. He's not one that's known for timing and enunciation, but he did just crank another home run. He did. He said Batman also didn't have a father. And just for that, my friend, oh, he can't find his own sound effect. Yeah, Dumbass.

13 years. That's from William Montgomery. He told me tell you, fuck you, dumb man. Wow. Red band with two jokes in one episode. If you have that on your Pingo card, If you bet $1 on Pauley Market, you just won $5 billion. That is the first time Red Bear.

Batman be Robin also. Wow. Come on. Wow. Yeah, Red Man on his shit today. Do you believe in miracles? USA beats Canada in hockey. Pulls a hat trick.

On Kiltow. This is unbelievable. Someone's going to drink himself to death tonight. I can already tell. He's going to be holding court in midsies. Just gather around, kids. Let me tell you how I got to this point in my life. Shout out, White Dad.

That's what I call Red Man, White Dad. Oh, my God. Dedrick, you're the fucking man. You did it again. We absolutely love you. You're watching. Ladies and gentlemen. Live in the flesh, the one and only dark storm of Austin, Dedrick Flint.

What an episode. You guys having fun out there? I know we are up here. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Gus Swanda. Gus Swanda. Here we go. Thank you. I recently moved back to the United States after living in South Korea for 30 years.

So I'm experiencing a bit of a culture shot. The biggest difference is the things you can't say now in America that you could 30 years. You can't say, apparently you can't say homeless. You have to say unhoused. I tested this theory out. I saw a homeless guy the other day and I said, do you prefer the term homeless or unhoused? And I will never forget what he said to me. It was so poignant.

He said to me, stop stealing my thoughts as he stabbed me repeatedly. I'll put that down as an unhoused after I get back from the hospital. You know, you can't say the word retard anymore. That's a new one. You have to say Democrat. Yeah, you know, a mechanic kicked me out. I was shop the other day just for telling them that I blew a tranny.

It's like, that's homophobic. I'm like, no, I drive too hard. And the worst one, you can't say f***ing anymore. Go ahead, go ahead, finish it. No, I mean, you have to say, a bundle of sticks with which to start a fire with, you know. I mean, but that's so long. I mean, that's a good word.

I love f***is. All right, all right, all right. There you go. You did it. Gus Swanda, welcome. Okay. How long have you been doing standup, Gus? I started in 2007.

Wow. I started in 2007. Did you? Yeah. At the same level of success I could see. I love it. I mean, you went on to make all those great MythBusters episodes. And I focused mostly on the comedy.

Comedy. Why didn't I think of that? What have you been doing the whole time? Where were you in 2007 when you... I was in Pusan, South Korea. Pousas? Pusan. Pusan. Yeah, and we had a comedy group, you know,

in a pretty big community there. It's like the second largest city. Seoul had a comedy group, and we tour around. I was lucky enough to... Remind me again. Again, where's Pusan? It's on the very southern tip. It's on the coast.

Beaches. It's known for its beaches. South Korea. Yeah. Sorry. Okay, go ahead. You were saying. And, well, you know, I was fortunate to meet and open up for some really big-name comedians, like Kyle Canane, Danny Cho.

I'm good friends with Tom, Tom Rhodes. Nice. Yeah, so. I came back here. I was a university professor. Where at? In Pusan. Oh, you were a Pusan university?

You taught English? No, I taught international relations. Okay. So I came back here and I tried to do that and I found that I can't do that. Yeah. So I thought, well, you know, do what I love, comedy. And I found that I can't do that tonight as well. How old are you?

How old am I really or how old do I tell people I am? Jesus. You're also gay? Anyway, sometimes you find out the answer to two questions at once How old do you think I am, Tony? Hell yes. How old does my asshole look? Did you bleach it?

How old are you, Gus? I'm 55. Fifty-five. How old do you tell people you are? 53. You think it's worth it? You think the juice is worth the squeeze on that one? Yeah. Shave up a five years.

You know what? I swear to God, if you were two years older, I wouldn't be down, but I'm gonna suck your cock on a park bench twice in three minutes. All right. Wow. It's a callback to earlier, Gus.

A callback is when you were... No, I'm joking. What? No. I think it's so funny. We'll call me back later and we'll work on them. Whoa. Are you actually gay?

No. Oh, okay. Gosh, darn it. But I really want to be on the secret show. Whoa, that's Red Band's deal. Look at him. He's taking a phone call. He's taking a phone call.

Rogan. Come on. He's got a pretty big case. Dude, Rogan, I got three big laughs tonight on Kiltomi. Did you bring back any good Asian women? Dead Asian women? Good Asian. I was married for 10 years.

Wow. Yeah. You met her there? Yeah. Went Wong. Another callback. No, it's not. It shouldn't have gotten that.

They're literally just rooting for... They're rooting for the underdog at this point, or in this case, the under pig. It's on fire, Tony. Stop hating, dude. The problem was communication problem, for example, like, one time she came home all excited, and she's like, honey, honey, the man on the first floor is therapist. And he just moved in, and I was like, oh, well, Koreans are really... don't believe in therapy. How cool is that?

Does he speak English? And she's like, yes, he was therapist in America. And what she really meant to say was the man on the first floor was the rapist. And he was a rape. Well, I didn't know that. So I saw him in the elevator and I'm like, well, you know, I heard what you do.

And he's like, oh, you did? I said, yeah. And, you know, I really sometimes we'd just like to come over and just unload. We swap stories. I would like that very much. It never happened. You're a silly goose. Okay.

I am. What did your wife do for work? What type of massages did she give except? No, it's okay. Cheap ones. What did she do? She was an artist, so nothing really. I mean, like, she didn't really earn any money, but.

Sex was good? Yeah. And did it last the whole 10 years? Why did it fizzle out? Well, I wanted to come back to America, and she really didn't. And, you know, it ended amically, amicably, I mean, I only got three minutes of material out of it, so had it been more contested me.

She only got three inches of material out of it. She did. Gondah. Give us one more crazy fun fact about your life. I just want to say a guy named Jace. I met this weekend. He's supposedly some really lucky guy. He put his hand on me, and he's like, you're going to get on kill Tony.

It wasn't him. The odds of this happened. are literally like one in 250. Yeah. And you just got lucky. It was my hand. Oh, okay. My hand going through.

I just want to say thank you to Tony's hand. Well, you don't have to thank anything. You have to thank me for the creating this format. Oh, okay. I just don't want some fucking guy that thinks he's a psychic getting credit for you. I just like to thank Jays, who, uh, he's a homeless guy at New Aisysa in Fifth Street. He put his hand on my shoulder and he's like, you're going to do that, dude. Well, uh, or, or, you know.

makes ads and he's seen on Kill Tony. All right. Well, Gus. That was okay. Here's a medium joke book. All right. Come back again sometime. I will. It goes Gus Swanda, everybody. All right, we're flying through it. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jarrell Beeman, everyone.

Jarrell Beeman, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, what's up, man? I'm happy to be here in Texas, man. actually live in a spot called Dayton, Ohio. Yup, yep, and that's all it gets right there. That's it. Now, for real, men, people don't get too hype when I say I live in dating, it always gets real weird and awkward and quiet, you know.

And I get it, man. Y'all must not be a big fan of a heroin, I see, because that's all we got in Southern Ohio, baby. All we got is heroin and fat white women. That's it, that's it. Hey, hey, but hold on. I'm a dip in the both. Okay.

No, stop it, stop. You're laughing at the truth. Stop it, stop it. People are like, Drell, why don't you move out of dating? You're so talented, man. You should move, but I won't because the rent's too low, man, so cheap. Rent, my crib right now is $217 per month. Now, the week before I got it,

I found out that a triple homicide happened right around the corner, which explained a lot. But when I found that out, That shit had me thinking about killing four people just to get that rent down to 150. Absolutely hilarious. Jarrell Beeman has arrived. A lot of new names and faces tonight.

It's a fun show. Welcome, Jarrell. What's up? Hell yeah. How are you? I'm good, man. I'm feeling good and gravy, man. Thanks for having me, y'all. I love it. I love it.

What a great set. You look fantastic. You look like you took a convertible rocket here from... I've never quite seen somebody who looks more blasted back than you do right now. I was feeling the outfit today. I'm not exactly sure what video game character you remind me. I don't know if it's Sonic or Tails or exactly. What's going on here?

But Jarrell, how long you've been on stand-up? I've been doing stand-up about seven years now. Seven years. years. I love it. And you still live in Dayton, Ohio? Yeah, I travel all around, but I'm based in Dayton. What keeps you in Dayton? The rent.

My nigga, that rent's fantastic. I can't even imagine. Can you tell the people here exactly what your situation is? Well, at first I was living in the ghetto. That was helping me out paying that.

But then I started living on campus with my girlfriend. And that was real cheap. I've been with her for five years. Clap it up for Young Black Love. Clap it up, clap it up. It's a black woman? Black woman.

I know. I know. It's not a fat white woman. I know. We all thought. But no. Fucking oink. No.

What does your girl do for work? My girl, man, she's a full-time musical theater student. And she works at a grocery store, which means we're broke as fuck. So, yeah. I'm the breadwinner.

Hell yeah. What grocery store? Is it Kroger? No, it's Myers. Okay. We know Myers. We know Myers very well. Red Band and I are both from the great state of Ohio. Oh, yeah.

Originally. So is Tom Segura. Okay. And young Jamie. Okay. I was waiting for more. I didn't know. I thought it was more.

Chappelle spent a lot of his youth there, so to Richard Pryor. Okay, dokey. Matt Wright. Big names don't matter either. Matt Wright. Steve Harvey's from Cleveland. Yeah, Steve Harvey. Absolutely.

We could go on and on. I don't understand how we last so long. Must have superpowers. So Myers, and you make all your money doing stand-up, or you do a little Uber Eats or something? Yeah, man. You do? No, no.

Stand-up, mostly just, you know, doing shows, selling merch, producing shows. A lot of it from producing shows. What's your merch like? What is that? Well, my merch, man, it's these little stickers of me with my image on them and got my social media at the bottom. And they

donation base. Oh, okay. You know, people give me what they feel from their heart, you know, $1, $5, $10, you know, whatever it is. But after the shows, it's how I sell them. I put a cardboard sign around my neck since I'm begging. I said, fuck you, since I was making.

And the sign says, I'm not, I wish I could have brought out, but the sign says, I'm funny, but being a broke comedian ain't no joke. Please donate, nigga. That's what it says on the bike. I added in a nigga right now. There's no nigga on the sign. But it helps me out, you know, but producing shows mainly is what kind of helps me. I love it.

But you're staying in Dayton where the rent is cheap, but it's also tough to make money. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever thought about moving with your talents, you know, seven years' experience? Have you thought about moving to a city that might have a better economy and more opportunities for you? I've thought about it, man. You know, I'm starting to really build up a lot of shit in the scene out there where I'm kind of like on top of this, like, mountain a little bit. I'm kind of big fish and a small pond. That's great.

Can I tell you something? You're going to die in Dayton. If you keep building that mountain. Yeah. Exactly what is your rent. Just be honest with us. I gotta know exactly what the rent that keeps you in Dayton is. Well, my rent now is different.

I live in Huber Heights now. Ooh. Huber Heights. Looks like I'm not the only one with three toilets here. Oh, I didn't realize I was talking to royalty, Jarrell. Jarrell. Jarrell, he lives quite a life of Luggerap in Huber Heights. Oh, ha, ha, you must be the only black in the neighborhood.

The population of black people's like 2%. It went up when I moved. It went up 2%. That's how black I am. I'm wearing my own name on my jersey. That's how black. I'm very black. When he drives down the street,

every white person's like, there he is. There's the one. I actually currently on the Cadillate that's not working. So that's how black. Wow. Wait, I'm getting working. it's now three, they're counting that

3% in Huber Heights. They're counting your Cadillac as one of the, well, it doesn't work, it just sits around all day. Might as well be black. Yeah, the rent now is like at, it's like 700 now, so that's still... Amazing.

So you and your girl are splitting 700 rent. I wish splitting... No. She don't kill me for saying that, but no, niggins. That's all. me. It's you, huh? You let her keep her grocery store money? No, she keeps all that, man.

She needs it. What does she spend it on? She takes care of the phone bill. You know, she got phone bills. Oh, oh my goodness. So you got... Yeah, she... Phones are on. Other things, you know, honestly, these are questions I should be asking her, Tony. I don't know. You kind of fucked me up. I was like,

Darren, what the... If I'm helping. She pays for the phones, but does she also pay for The beepers? I'm talking about your smoke detector, of course. My smoke, nah, that's, yeah, I got to find out what's going on with that. Do you have a smoke detector in your apartment? You don't even know. The stereotype is incredible.

I don't know my living situation. You're making me question my life. That's what I do to people. It's a lot of fun. Did you hear that? Do you know what that is? Is that the smoke detector? Yeah, it's very good.

Since you answered that correctly. No. But yeah, no, a lot of it, too, producing, I produce my own shows and take them out on the road sometimes. Do you know her friend Layla Ingalls? Oh, yeah, Layla's the little homie. I fuck with her, man. That's my little, like, mincey, man.

Yeah. She's a little thing. Let's check in with Steveo here. Steveo. What does... What do you do to be? produce a show. I'm just trying to picture that.

Maybe I'm done, but... You're going to love it. You're going to love it, actually. It's called Blackass. Touring everywhere. But now, like, what kind of shows you produce? Yeah, I help run out things. It's some of the independent clothes there where we book different acts. But a show that I produce myself is actually called Jarrell's Will of Comedy,

where, like, I get me and my co-host, Cockeroo. Y'all can guess. Wait, you said the word of the day. What's your co-host's name? Cockaroo. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah. You can guess what race to you.

How do you spell that? How do you spell that exactly? Cockaroos, C-O-C-K-A-R-U-E. Cockaroo. For some reason, every time you say that weird noise plays. Yeah, yeah, it's actually scaring the shit out of me right now. I think I wish that smoke detector was back on. It's freaking me out.

But yeah, me and Cockaroo, we co-host it called Jarrell's World Comedy. We invite a guest, you know, comment on the panel with us, and what we'll do is we'll bring different comedians that we locked in for it and they have a will. Jarrell's Will Comedy, they spin the wheel and whatever the will lands on based on the topic. They got to do a joke based on that topic. So it'll be like relationship joke or crowd work or, you know, family joke, dirty joke. and they just do it on that.

We take that show about four different clubs out in the Midwest. Awesome. I'm sorry for asking. I saw it in your face, Steve, I fucking saw it. Checking with the great Tim Butterley.

I'm actually going to be in Dayton in March, and I would love to have you on my not-so-secret show. Whoa. Look at that. Oh, my God. He really is.

It doesn't say Dayton here. What are the odds of that? That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I could. man, but... I take it back. Fuck you, dude.

Looks like it's just... I'm already a feature on a show in Hartford, Connecticut. Wow. You know what, Tim? I have a suggestion. Charlie, can you edit that part out? I'm going to say something mean now.

I really want to. I have good news for you, Tim Butterley. While Jarela is not available, you can book Cockeroo. You guys book Cockeroo. No, you don't want to book Cocker. Me and Cockeroo are doing heroin and dating.

Dude, you can't stop. I almost accidentally threw my wallet at you, Jarrell. That would have been fantastic. Well, it ran off. We do have from the Great Bonsai, Harry Joke. There he goes. Jarrell Beeman, everybody. What an exciting time this is.

What an episode. Let's keep the momentum up here. We have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history. How about a hand for Heidi and Val, their hit podcast, Love on the Line is available at Heidiregina.com. Be sure to follow the band, the Kill Tony Band, on YouTube and Instagram. And follow Bonesi. He makes the best stuff made out of leather in all of Texas.

We have a great Golden Tigger winner, one of the best ever. Literally, perhaps the best golden ticket winner in the history of the show. Make some fucking noise for the one and only, Martin Phillips, everybody. What's up? Hey, the medication I take is called oral backlifan. I take oral back to thin because I don't want to take anal backliphan. It can fall out. Some people smoke wheat through an apple.

I smoke through a squash. So when I'm high, I'm like, oh, I'm so squash right now. Let's get squashed. I'm trying to make it a thing. Okay, um, a scientist, hey, scientifically speaking, you can sleep with your second cousin. And I don't know, it sounds like that scientist just had a really hot cousin, you know?

I did the research, it's cool. Okay, well, that's it, but, yeah. hilarious Martin Phillips Martin welcome another very very funny set I'm noticing this backpack that you have tonight can I ask you what the hell is okay no no I brought

I brought so is that to is that to help you stand up straight what exactly is that it's a parachute in case I fall a Child's backpack. Yeah, exactly.

It's just what you needed, to look a little bit more like a pedophile. Okay, so the most negative feedback I get is nobody wants to hear my voice, so, Steve'll get it. So, okay, I'll admit, this is it. is a child's toy, but it changes your voice. Oh my goodness. So we had the option of robot, ooh, ghost, alien, or monster.

Ooh. What are you gonna say into it? Do you already have a pre-planned thing that you're gonna say? Okay, we can redo the joke and see it that it's better. Oh my goodness. Which one do you... What are you doing first? Robot.

Here we go. The robot Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. This could be the future. Perfect. Now that's a robot, right? Okay. I really only hear you saying, what's the deal with airline food? That thing...

Stephen talking, ladies and gentlemen. Good gracious. Let's hear that ghost. Ghost. Yeah, I want to hear that ghost, dude. Wait a second. What? This thing is crazy.

It's a ghost of a robot? Wait a second. This is for, I know how to work this. This is for five-year-olds. I get fucking. Yeah, you could do it. You could do it. Was that in the backpack that you stole from the car?

A kid. He can't afford this book bag, okay? Okay, okay. This is a monster, actually. Wow. This megaphone does every voice from Epstein's Island. This is incredible. There's child ghosts, there's Stephen Hawking.

Is there a Bill Clinton on that thing? This is alien. It's what? Alien. Alien, okay. It's gonna start speaking Spanish. starts speaking Spanish. Is there anything left?

What's left? Do we do Monster yet? I think we did Monaster yet. I think there's this regular megaphone. Oh, that's gonna be great. Black helicopters. This thing might be a piece of shit. For all the parents out there,

let me review. Let's switch it to Alien. I have an idea. Switch it to Alien, shove it up Steveo's ass, and you rip a fart. Martin, you got anything else in that backpack? No, I just... Just put it.

Serious question, though, is that your real backpack? Do you wear that backpack around? I know. I don't use it that much, but it's a cool, stylish book that. Little Asian girls' backpack. No, it... It's cool, okay? It's Swedish, okay? You want to tell.

Tim Butterly. Imagine how disappointed the guy that robs him on Sixth Street's gonna do. What the fuck this stupid-ass megaphone? Man, I can't even buy no crack with this shit. So, okay, I made it worse than I usually sound, but... You are... Yeah, so... ...unbelievable. That was so entertaining.

Yeah, fuck the haters. God damn right. Fuck the heiners, fuck the haters. One more time for the undeniable Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, what an episode. We're coming around the mountain here. You're coming around the corner. Two more bucket pools.

Let's get through it. Your next one goes by the name of Freddy Dolessie, everybody. Freddy Dulcey. Here comes Freddy. Make some nice for Freddy, everybody. I just realized, I think everything is a little racist. Like, my brother got Tesla five years ago.

And in five years, Tesla went from clean power to white power. Just like that. How do you hate people but love the environment? That's like if the KKK was like, yo, we're not burning no more crosses. We LED lighten them. Strove effect. We ride at dawn.

We're solar powered. I don't know, man. I think everything a little racist because I'm from Virginia. You know, Virginia's race. Like, we don't have sports teams. We got support the DC teams. I didn't even know the football team's name was racist

until the first game I went to. It was the Cowboys versus the Redskins on Thanksgiving. That's not a game. That's a reenactment. Yeah. Like if they had a team called the cops and they played the niggas.

Yeah. On Juneteenth. Like, no. Absolutely fantastic. Freddie Dulesies. Is your first time in the show, Freddy? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome.

You live in Virginia still? No, I live in Austin now. How long ago did you move here? About an hour and a half. A year and a half. Hour and a half? About an hour and a half, Tony, I just got here. Wild, wild success for an hour and a half.

Yeah, you know, I try my best. I love it. What do you do for work? I'm a sign language interpreter. Really? Are you a real one, or are you like those fake ones? to get caught and get in trouble. I'm a real one.

I'm a real one. Really? Do some in front of D madness. Dee, tell me what he's signing, do you. Oh, wait. Oh, I think I got it backwards. A little backwards.

I love it. Dee's back here talking to. Shut the fuck up, motherfucker. You know I can't see that shit? I love it. Freddie, do you get a lot of work doing that? Doing what? Sign language?

Yeah. Yeah, not too bad. I do mostly, like, I interpret like phone calls for deaf people. Got it. So yeah, that's most of my days. So like you are on the phone and the deaf person sitting next to you?

No, so a deaf person calls me on FaceTime and I like answer the phone and then I just call a hearing person for him. Okay, let's do it. Let's mimic a call. Let it ring one more time. Hello. Are you?

Are you white or blah? Oh, wait, they're not blind. I keep thinking that they're blind. They're not talking. What is wrong with my brain today? If that was the case, they would have called themselves. What the fuck is wrong with me? No, I'll tell you.

It's like, like, a woman will call or something, and she'll be like, hey, I'm calling the doctor's office, like, set up an appointment for me, and she'll just be signing, and I'll be like, hey, yes, my name is Brittany Thompson. And then, like, the receptionist would be like, you don't sound like Britney Thompson. You sound like a man, you know?

And I'd be like, it's 2026. Tim Butterley. I am a man. I think Tony was kind of on to something, though. Is there... Do white people and black people do sign language a little bit differently? Yeah. Black people are like, you need to have a blood transfusion.

We need to go to your doctor's appointment on the motherfucking west side. Are white people, like, hitting the consonants hard? and you guys are just like, vibing with it? No, white people, they sign in public. Black people sign in private, you know. What do you mean by that? It's dangerous if I'm just outside signing. That looks, it looks.

It's amazing. It looks like I'm gangbanging, a lot, very well, yeah. I love that. So let me ask you this. Like, every 30 seconds, does your smoke detector go like, it does? I love it. We need to find a smoke detector sponsor at this point because we are just crushing.

Where are you, First Alarm? Yeah, First Alarm. Get in the podcast game. It's the only thing in entertainment people are actually still watching or listening to. Shout out First Alarm. Use the promo code Kill Tony just to let them know we exist. All right. Freddie, what do you do for fun?

What are your... Oh, you did hear that. I did hear that. Is there a sign for the word beep? Beep? Yeah. No, just like beep or something like that. What's the craziest?

What is the most shocking sign language thing? Like I once did a show where there was a sign language person, and I said it was a white woman, and I put her on the spot, and I said white penis. And she was like, I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was a thing, right? And then I go black penis, and then it was longer. Yeah. It's like, white penis?

Yeah. Black penis. Yeah. You know, something like that. How about for the word enema? Enema? Yeah. What the fuck is that?

That sounds like some gay shit. I'm not even going to lie. What the fuck? You are... Your instincts are not that far off? Do you have a dick on your forehead? Right now? That's absolutely insane, right?

Yeah. I've been getting a lot of comments on my forehead tattoo today. Yeah. A lot of compliments. Tim Butterley. You really don't know. You don't know what an anima is? No, explain it to me.

Okay, it's like a, like a... You lost me. You stick it up the butt and you squeeze it and you fill your butt up with water so you can blast out everything out of your butt. Waterfuck what I know what that is. Bro, he made $20 million on there. Okay.

Show some respect. Can you sign this? Okay, what do you want? You stick it up your butt. Nope, not doing it. I'm not doing it. I can't do it, I can't do it. You're making doctor's appointments.

You might have to know this stuff. Yeah, but mostly for like STDs and shit like that. Really? You specialize in making calls for STDs? Can you explain yourself? I can't even laugh at that. I get paid from them. So, no, like one, I mean, it's tough.

Like, you never know what you're going to interpret. Like, one time I had to interpret, like, a doctor's office, and there's a deaf doctor, and there's a hearing patient, and the lady was like signing to me outside. She's like, hey, he's gonna be quick, 10, 15 minutes. But heads up, you gotta tell this person he has cancer. Oh, my God. And I'm looking at her like,

we ain't telling him shit, you know what I mean? Like, you went to school to learn how to tell someone they have cancer. I went to school for like two years. You know, like, best I could do is chlamydia. You know, that's the best I could do. So you didn't tell the guy that he has cancer? No, I just let him die. You know, I just...

Perfect. I didn't give him cancer, man. That was his plan, you know, his destiny. You didn't even give him like a... I was just like... Yeah, that's it. No good. Wow.

Tim Butterley. Well, I don't want to ask this one a lot, but... Oh, this is gonna... Does sign language have the N-word? Oh. Great question. It has the N-word. I sign it all the time.

We'll blur it out. but can you show us? I can't. It's too many white people in here. Come on. I can't sell it. Bro. Come on.

Do you ever been beat up by deaf people? They got the strongest hands you've ever seen, bro. All they do is practice hand, muscle strength, and shit. I can't. You're trying to give me a fucked up. I'll bend you $100 to show me the N-word and sign language. They know me right now. Send it right now.

Send it right now. All right. Don't do it. What the fuck is rock match? Shut the fuck up. Don't do it. You know how many talented black guitarists there are waiting to take your spot match?

Shut the fuck up. They didn't draw a light. Don't do it. Don't do it. Well, you have a choice to make here. Well, you know what? This is a thing. This is a thing.

Deaf people fuck with comedy. They fuck with the show. So they got even a sign for Tony and shit like that. They got a sign for that. Oh, I know what that is. Catch Tim Butterlee is the new.

guitar player on Kill Tony starting next week. I'll be in Dayton, Ohio, sometime in Morgan. He's going to be in Dayton with the... What the fuck was it? I don't know. Cockarooch or something. Seriously, we gotta know. What's the sign for the N-word?

Are you ready? No one wants it more than the lighting guy, obviously. He's been putting that spotlight on. He's back there. He's got it dialed in. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the N-word. We are about to change the world, by the way. When this episode comes out.

Are you ready? We are about to, just when you thought there was less racism than ever. White people are about to learn away to call people the N-word without them knowing. And here we go. The man that changed the game, the Booker T. Washington, if you will, of signing the N-word. Some people are calling him the Barack Hussein Obama of the sign language world, breaking down base. You're ready.

Hope and change. This is the N-word. Looks back there. Yeah, we have big joke books out back. We've run out of him here today, but Freddie Dolesi. Unbelievable. Freddy Dules. What the fuck is a Dolesi?

What is that? Well, you put an eye at the end of your name. No, it's not an I. It's an exclamation point. It's an exclamation point. an exclamation point with the dot touching the line, by the way. The dot is on the top for an eye.

The dot's at the bottom. You're so used to signing you don't know how to write any. Incredible. What the fuck's a Dulce? I know. I was expecting a fucking Italian guy to come out. What do you want?

I could see why your last name is Dules, by the way. I do it. I do too much. You know what it is. You know how it go. A great set. Fun times. Unbelievable interview. Thank you so much.

Freddy Dulelella. All right, final bucket pool of the night. We are running deep into overtime, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to do a quick set and a quick interview with Kendall Jr. to close the bucket portion of the night, Kendall Jr. Y'all remember the first time you heard a black British guy talk? It's like, you're not supposed to sound like that. Unrelated.

Would you ever see a girl a little too close with her dog? I think God, I hope I ain't fucking. That's all I got to say. Meth heads, though, you know? I've been thinking they probably do have the best pull-out game because of all that copper wiring. Yeah? Yeah. But when a meth head has found the one,

and she's got one of those copper IUDs, they cannot help themselves. And someone wants to be a father. No, I did know a girl once. She had so many abortions. She didn't even have a landing strip. There's just a Gaza. strip.

Kendall. Kendall, Kendall. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, once. What did we find out about you in the interview portion that I found interesting about you? That I was once a super fat heroin addict. Yeah.

Is there anything that's changed since your last time on this show? I gained five pounds. It's a mess. No, there's nothing. I got in a, like, my car got like rammed into. It was crazy outside of my house. I had to get a new one.

Who rammed into you? It was a drunk guy outside of my house. It just rammed into it. It was crazy. I was almost getting into it with my girlfriend, so it was like a whole thing. You were getting into... Yeah, like, we were about to leave. Like, at seven, it happened right at seven.

Supposed to get out of there. I had back surgery, like, crazy before, so it would have sucked because I would have, like, needed another one. But it didn't happen. I'll tell you this, man. You have great premises, and you don't finish them. Black British guy. You're not supposed to talk like that in other news.

And it's like you should have, you have great setups, the copper with the meth head. You think when they find an IUD, like you have this thing where you have great ideas and you're not finishing them. You're taking the, you're taking what would be the note in the book that you write, like a set list and you're just saying the thing and then you're moving on. Does this make sense? No, I can understand. Yeah. I follow you. I was ready for the meth head pulling out to be hilarious.

Yeah. and the same with the black British guy. Like there's so much there to draw from. Yeah, yeah, no, I understand. But you're doing what you did with your premises, what you did with meth, and you're just quitting. What I think is you should just keep going. Yes.

Here's a little joke book, buddy. We've got to keep it moving. It's been a very long episode because it's been a very, very fun episode. And we started with William Montgomery. We had Dedrick Flynn. Ari Maddie is doing a story. so many sold-out shows on the road

that he's adding a Monday headlining shows in different cities. It's unheard of. We've created so many monsters that they're not even available for the show anymore on a Monday, which has never happened before in the show's history. However, I do have one last trick up my sleeve,

one very, very special moment because your next comedian is very rarely available. He's not one of those guys that does every single week. He is as special as it gets. An anomaly. In fact, the only person ever, ever on the show in which I let him do whatever he wants. To be quite honest with you, he scares me.

I'm intimidated by him. And I hope that one day he lets me open up for him in the arenas that I already do. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a force of nature unlike anything we've ever seen before in this show's 13 year history. Ladies and gentlemen,

dare I say, this is Timmy No Break. What's up? My name is Timmy No Break's and welcome to Timmy Ass. You got a... Jesus fucking Christ. This guy won't let people say the M-word or play the fucking guitar. This is insane.

Okay. On my neck is a shock collar. and in my hand is the remote. If you press this orange button, it will shock me. Now, if I bomb, one of you guys will get to shock me. I won't bomb because I don't bomb. But this, this is the bomb shock collar. This is fucking terrible.

Now, because this is a dog collar, I will give it to this lesbian bitch. Jesus Christ No, you can't Start the timer Red Band Did you guys see During the Olympics

How that girl Lindsay Vaughn broke up What the fuck are you doing You dumb whore I'm in the setup Wait for the punch Hold it up Lady hold it up a little bit

So that we can see it There you go And keep Kind of not that high Pohn This is an uninterrupted I know Shut the fuck up

I know Just keep it So we can see When you do it This is show busy Take it from the top. Here we go. And action. Did you guys...

Shut the fuck up, Matt. I'm trying to do the minute. It doesn't even sound like the fucking thing. I'm about to say the end word if you do it again. I'm going to fucking freak out. Okay, start the timer now, Red Band. Here we go. Did you guys see...

The Olympics had that skier. Lindsey Vaughn. Broke a leg, you know? Sad. You know where that wouldn't have happened? Uh, the kitchen. Boom, fuck you. Relax.

Relax. Relax. I'm gonna be honest. I love the woman's Olympics. I do. Yeah, I do. I think every woman's sport should only be televised once every four years. Suck a dick.

What the fuck you fucking bitch? Guys, everybody, give it up for the woman's hockey team. They won gold. Yeah, finally. positive video featuring white woman and ice. Take that, you lesbian. Boom. Merk ya. All right, one more.

I love the WMBA. I do. I really do. I'm serious. Yeah, I mean, it's lame that they can't dunk, you know? It's just a bunch of twos and threes. They're ugly. Bull, fuck! Okay, relax. You gotta fucking relax a little bit. Pohn?

Does this guy have a dick on his forehead? These are getting big pops. Is she really hitting it? Yes. Why are you hitting it so much? This lady's having the time of her life. She has waited what appears to be 45 years to have this kind of control over a man.

This is incredible. We may have solved how to fix every blue-haired woman in America. Give them one day The man in a shock collar Unlimited power Who is this guy? No, I'm serious, who the fight? I know Tim, but who the fuck is this guy? You don't know who you are?

You mean you're just paying jackass homage? I don't understand. What's jackass? Shock this motherfucker. Hold it down. Stop, stop. That thing's not working. Stop, stop.

We need to turn it up. Is there a dial on that? Is that what he taped over? Take the tape off. My name is Timmy No Bray. And this is the copyright infringement. On the count of three, the band will play Limp Biscuits Nookie, and this entire episode will be demonetized.

Three, two, one, go. What the f- Okay, so, oh! I turned it up to ten. Don't do it! I'm not funny, there's tape on. It goes, don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Don't do that. You stupid bitch, you fucking cut. Why don't you do this? Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, it's fine, all right? Just, if I, if I bought it. I'll give it to you.

I'll give it to the guy you don't know. He won't do anything wrong at all. Okay, all right, okay, all right. Everybody, everybody fucking... Relax, okay? Okay, everybody's fucking relaxed. I mean, just do my next segment, all right? 15 seems like...

Don't get to the fuck up to deny control anymore. This was not... Never supposed to go past six. Hi. My name's Timmy No. I'm so scared right now. Hi, my name is Timmy No Break's, and this is the taste test.

Heidi? Oh, my God. Inside of that cup is three real, actual fluid ounces of horse cum from a man. Tone your challenge is to not drink it. On the clock, let's get a spotlight on Pone and some dramatic music. What the fuck is this? It's horse come.

He's picking it up to drink it. It really looks like... It's very thick. Tone, don't act like you don't know exactly what that is. Steveo, is that horse come? Dude, there's a horse pubic hair. Oh, I can't fucking throw up, dude. Don't do it. Don't have to drink it.

Just keep it there. Okay. Go to the next segment. We'll go to the next segment. Go back to Steveo. Here, let's just slide it here. I didn't know you had a bunch of cum before this and you're full. I told you not to.

I told you not to. He had come. He's full. I understand. I get it. Son of a bitch. I get it. I get it.

I get it. Okay, I got one backup. I got one more. Okay. 15 hurts, doesn't it? Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm going after this show.

We're going to go to Missy's bar, and I'm going to punch you in the dick so hard that it falls off, and none of the gay guys are going to be able to suck it anymore. That's what's going to happen. Okay. It's fine. It's fine. Hi. My name is Timmy No Breaks, and this is trivia for retards.

If you get the question wrong, and these are fifth grade level questions, you have to take a sip of Tone's tap water. Tone, you have to continue to nudge. drink the horse come if you get it wronged. But we're going to up the states. Heidi. Give it up for Heidi, everybody. That's... All right. There's no way Tone is going to be able to resist that horse come now.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Shut the fuck up, Tone. I'm moving on to the questions, okay? All right. Stivo, let's start with you. Tone's tap water was created by A, Tone Hinchcliff. B, Tone the Tiger, or C, liquid death.

I'm gonna go with A. You do not have to drink that water. Next question is for you, Tim. In a 2025 double-blind peer-reviewed study conducted by independent researchers, what was found in Tone's tap water? Was it A, Mercury, B, lead, C, arsenic, D, Teflon, E, Zycline B, F, Zertek, G, MSG, H, bluechu,

I, horse comb, or J, all the above. J, all the above. Nailed it, and you didn't have to drink that fucking piece of shit. Okay, Red Band, for you. Where is Tone's tap water sourced? Is it A, Flint, Michigan, or B, all the above? All the above.

You don't have to drink Tones Tapwater. Last question, Tone. This is for you. Who flew on Epstein's prize? at eight times. Was it A, Barack Obama, B, George Bush, or C, Donald Trump? I have to buzz in for the answer. Okay, all right.

Okay, all right, all right. This, I'm going to leave right here, and I'm leaving right now. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck. Timmy, no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. I bet 16 hurts. This episode was brought you by Toccofiz and Express VBN.

How loud can this place get for the great Stivo? Go to stevo.com. He's all over the country, all over the world, the crash and burn tour. He's the fucking man. One more time for the great Tim Butterley, everybody. Tim Butterley.com for tickets. Columbus, Dayton, Boston, Tacoma, May 23rd here in Austin, Texas.

Thank you very much, Tony. Hell yeah. Amazing. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Turner. Of course, Steve, oh, anytime. You guys are always part of the family. Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com every Thursday secret show. The drawing from Ryan Jay-E. Belt is then. We're at the Inuit Dome in L.A. We're doing a lot of crazy shit. You're going to find out all about it. New York, Vegas. A bunch of crazy announcements coming up that I'm accidentally leaking right now.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Steveo! I guess he didn't add the hair yet. Unbelievable. Where's the dick on my forehead? What the hell was I going to say? The cum. Drink the cum. Drink the cum.

We love you guys. Thank you so much. Make sure you follow the band. Follow Bonesi. Go to killmerch.com. A lot of brand new merch. It's state-of-the-art stuff. You're absolutely going to love it.

We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you.