KILL TONY - #761 - KIM CONGDON + ADAM RAY

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

Adam Ray, Kim Congdon, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery,Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED–02/28/2026 Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. Secure your online data TODAY by visiting https://expressvpn.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Who's ready for the best

A-k-night of their lives? The undisputed number one live podcast in the world is coming to WrestleMania. Tony, Triple H. Have you seen these auditions? Hey! Hey, Tony! Last year, I became the most must hear.

Rooster of all time. It's comedy you're looking for. I don't like to brag. Got to be a part of the show. Let me show you what I can do. Is this thing even on? A priest and a rap out. walks into a part.

I didn't really mean everything I said that night. This is going to be insane. This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony Saturday, April 18. Tickets on sale now. Financial Center here

in Houston, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's good. Good night of their lives. How about one more time for the best damn band in all of Sugar Land. The great Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa. Fucking.

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, John Bees. And that right there is the great D. Madness, everybody. Matt Mueling on the Electric. We got everything in place. This is very, very exciting. Before we get started, here's a little bit more

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? What a pleasure it is to be on the road in my favorite state in the United States of America. Holy shit. What a beautiful day. 80 degrees and sunny. You can't beat it. Tonight's guest, two of my favorite human beings in the world, two of the greatest kill-tony guests of all time. Very hard, very hard to book this show on a Saturday night when everybody that touches the show is a sellout theater act. But I did the Lord's work for you as I present to you multiple time over. Without a doubt, arguably, statistically, the greatest guest in Kill Tony history and the first ever regular in Kill Tony history. Tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen, are Adam Ray and Kim Congdon.

Jeremy! What's her name? So many characters I forget sometimes. Wow. And the great Kim Kongden, everybody. There she is. currently being stalked by many men. Yeah, some here tonight.

I have a gun. She's got a gun, she's got a new doubt. Everything's happening. And ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, multiple-time guest of the year. Adam Ray is here, everybody. Great to be here.

Thanks for having me. Houston, let's go. Houston, home of Hakeem Elyjuwon. and uh fucking i don't know fat fat sex i don't know yeah a lot of so yeah yeah i looked i looked up fun facts on the airplane about houston and i said you guys eat out more than any other city in the world so yeah yep this guy that's not what i was talking about i meant like fast food but for sure yeah yeah yeah yeah right here later hopefully in the uber hell yeah there is a lot of blacks in houston and what i've heard they don't eat out at all that's not what i was talking about but yeah for sure

yeah they probably are Tienpo is here. How many L-TEMpo fans to be up out there? L-T-L-L-T-O. Gosh darn it. The home of the Colorado. You guys ever been to the Colorado before? That's a fun place. All right. You guys know how this show works, everybody. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. Uninterrupted.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry. Is there a gay part of Houston? part of Houston? Oh, they all set it once. What is it? Montrose. Hell yeah.

You gotta wrap it up then, or she'll bring out the angry Montrose bear. Oh yeah, that's a big gay bear. A little southern twang on it, too. Hell yeah. Oh my goodness. The first name has been pulled. And this is a very special show,

because since we have been in Texas for over five years now, now, we have accumulated many great golden ticket winners from the city of Houston, Texas. And tonight, while we go wrangle our first bucket pool, starting off the show with a brand new minute for us is one of our elite golden ticket winners from Houston, Texas. He got his golden ticket, I believe, when he was 21 years old. Since then, he has worked as Bucky himself out of Buckees. Make some noise. Starting tonight's show, Houston's own.

Enrique Chaconne. Houston church, bro. What the f***? I heard that ICE is killing white people now, man. What's up with that? You're telling me I can't even hide inside a Lulu Levin anymore. My girlfriend, when I met her, she was way out of my league, so I found out everything I could about her, man.

I found out that she was really into animal rescue. So 2019, fuck it, bro. I rescued 34 cats, bro. Fuck it. Sometimes you have to save the kitty to eat the kitty. That's what I was doing. You can say I was in heat, too, man. Anyways.

I have an Australian cattle dog, a blue healer at home. I like to use that dog for small talk with older white guys. I like a tractor supply. I tell him I have a blue healer, and they're like, oh, my granddaddy had a blue healer. That's a very intelligent dog. That's a very hardworking dog. We have a beautiful moment,

and suddenly they remember that their granddad wouldn't like him talking to me, and that's the end of the conversation. Thank you. Enrique Chacon. Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, buddy. How are you, my friend?

How does it feel? This is the biggest crowd you've ever performed in front of in Houston, Texas. Yes, it is, bro. It's looking pretty fucking beautiful. Southwest Ailey, Texas in the house. What's the southwest of Houston like exactly?

Southwest Houston. It's a beautiful place where everybody says the N-word, no matter what ethnicity you are. Oh, perfect. That's why whenever I moved to, like, Austin or starting doing comedy, I had to, like, train myself. Every time I wanted to say the N-word, I would snap a rubber band, you know, on my leg or something.

But, yeah, that's my fucking, that's my hood, man. That's where I grew up. And, yeah. I love it. I don't know all the different areas that well. I know I was able to convince Red Band to do this show because I said it's in Sugar Land, and he's like, oh, I'm ready to go.

That's close to Candy Land. I'm not fucking mad at that, bro. My fat ass. We're going to turn sugar land into caramel, bro. What's up? Oh, my goodness. Enrique, why are you so fat? Tell us what you eat exactly.

What exactly? Well, you know, a lot of straight guys see pussy, Tony. That's what I do, you know? That's not what's making you fat. Yeah. What are you putting on? Are you putting a whipped cream on it or something? Or cream cheese or cottage cheese?

What is... Nothing? You know... ...protein powder? Duck eggs, chicken eggs, bro. We cook everything with lard, dude. This is a fucking normal thing. Dude, I eat chocolate.

candy eggs, the fucking catberry eggs, dude. I got fucking eggs and ham, dude. But, you know, a place that you need to visit, though, Tony, is Bissanette, bro. You got to go to Bissanette. Houston people, don't y'all fucking agree? What is that? Bissanet is the best neighborhood in Houston, Texas.

Why? You'll have to explain it. And if you're stuck in traffic in Bissanette, you might as well get your dick sucked, you know? It's a... I will see you guys after the show. Yeah. But I'm going to go to South... I'm going to go between Bissanet and Southwest Houston

so that I could say the N-word while getting my dicks up. That is the American Dream. Sounds like a beautiful plan, Tony. I love it. Enrique, such a fun set. Ice white people, Lulu Lemon. I love it. So...

That ice shit got me terrified, Tony. Yeah. Really? Yeah, it really does, dude, because I have something called the DACA status, which means that I'm a celebrity immigrant. You know, there's only 2,500 of us, man. I don't think you should be saying this.

Fuck it. You know, I'm prepared for the consequences, man. That's why I'm trying to camouflage myself. I don't even drink Modellos anymore in public, Tony. Perfect. I'm drinking Bush Light, bro. Like some of these River Oaks white guys, bro. What the fuck?

Hell yeah. I love it. Are there any other white things that you're doing to try to hide out? You know, I'm reciting the Ten Amendments, Tony. The Ten Amendments? Seriously. Can you listen?

One of those is the right to eat. Is one of them to dress like you look like you work at the olive garden? I look like Liso's waiter, bro. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking, bro? You look like you squeal when someone hugs you. You are absolutely adorable, Enrique, and you have the show started for us tonight with nothing but laughter and likability. You are from Houston, Texas. Thank you, Houston!

And we got it started. I fucking like you, Houston! Houston local comedians that have been dying for us to make the two or three hour trip up here. And now it begins. They get 60 seconds and then I conduct an interview with them. Anything can happen. Sometimes people get a little bit shy in front of such a big group of people. So I'm going to try my hardest to find out crazy shit about your first bucket pool doing an uninterrupted set.

It goes by the name of Max Wissinger, everybody. Here comes Max Wissinger to get the bucket start. tonight. So I was making out with my girlfriend last week. Yeah. Things were heating up. She started taking her clothes off. Yeah. She was like, Max, you look like a kid in a candy store. I said, babe, it's not you. I look like a kid in any store. Yeah. Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Yeah. I can't keep a girlfriend, all right? because they don't feel safe with me. Because I'm gluten-free.

I mean, I can't even fight off a little Debbie. It sucks, right? Like, someone brings donuts to work. I can't have any. Apple fritter? Straight to the shitter. Being gluten-free is so depressing. The only time I even think about using a toaster

is when I'm taking a bath. Guys, come on. My therapist said, I need an outlet. Thank you. Max. Wissinger. Welcome, Max. Jokes about being useful.

How old are you, Max? I'm 27. Oh, wow. 27. I don't even have chest hair yet. Prove it. Me neither. I'm 41.

Max. How long you've been doing stand-up? So, one and a half years, but my first time was on this show like three, four years ago, yeah, at Bolkin. Oh, okay. You made the drive down to Austin. You live in Houston?

I'm in Houston now. Nice. What do you do for work? I'm a product developer for supplements. Wow. What kind of supplements? The ones that make you healthier that RFK Jr. likes.

Well, it doesn't look like you're taking any of them so far. It looks like you're taking the drugs that make you age backwards. It's a new Benjamin Buttons compound. You need to eat more fruit. by the foot. It's a kid snack. That's what I mean by that. You look five.

Yeah, I think they accidentally gave you estrogen. Right. Yeah. People call me R.F. Gay Jr. Yeah. Aw. Which parent? What's the best supplement?

I don't know what to ask you. What's the- You don't have to ask them anything, remember? Tony, take it away. Thank you. One of the funniest jokes in the history of the show if you look back, you can make a 45-minute long compilation of me looking at Adam going, well, he asks the people questions.

That's why I wear a costume, so it doesn't hurt his back. Max, tell us what's been going on in life since the last time you were on this show. Well, girls have been hitting on me lately. Ooh. With their cars. Yeah. You know, I think girls are so dangerous when they drive

because they're too busy trying to look hot. Like, I saw this one chick going 100 on the freeway, putting on mascara, swerving all over the road. I mean, hey, at least you died a bad bitch. I see what you did there. You snuck in a little joke. Comics unleashed them. Yeah, exactly.

Well, Tony, funny, you should ask. These women be driving crazy. Dude, you're perfect for cruises. Yeah. Do you do that when you hang out with your friends? How you pitch bits? They're just like, dude, traffic was nuts today. You're like, yeah.

And then you just turn and face a different wall and go, let me tell you about the 405. Everyone's like, dude, over here. You got jokes. I like it. Have you been on dates? Do you have a girlfriend? No. Not right now.

No. Don't. When's the last time you hooked up with a chick? What's that like? What playground did you go to exactly? Cool. I think it was. I think it was, no, I can't say that one.

Yeah, you can't. Come on. You almost gave the actual location of a playground. No, I was like the children's museum, but that's what... That's why I didn't say it. Children's music. Yeah. Okay, but seriously, last time you were with a woman, or boy, or whatever you're into.

It was last year, yeah, into last year. So what happened then? What was that? Was that just a random hookup? Is this a little booty? call? For some reason, that's funny when you ask like a youthful 27-year-old. No, it was my ex-girlfriend, yeah, yeah, in Florida, yeah. Oh, you? I was living, I was living in Florida for two years, yeah. What made you move to Florida? My job, yeah. I was living in a retirement community, yeah. The weather was great. It was in the 70s, just like the people. Yep, I saw that one

coming. Are we on a hidden camera show right now? The way you're launching into bits is amazing. Impractical, no-jokers. I was like, I can't just get freaking roasted the whole time. Yeah, I like it. You're on the aggression. You're doing perfect, Max. Max, what's your ethnicity?

What is a Wissinger? I'm about to go into another bit. Well, if you say that beforehand, it's very hard to do. I'm half Mexican, and I'm half German. Uh-huh. Go ahead. My Mexican half likes to cook spicy. Your other half likes to cook Jews.

No. Hey. Did I accidentally write a better joke than you had? Yeah. It's okay. This round goes to Tony. What was yours? I like to, my German half, okay, so my Mexican half likes to cook spicy.

My German half likes to turn that bathroom into a gas chamber. Yep, you should take my one. Yeah. Do it my way. What the fuck was? That was the most un-holocaust. noise I've ever heard. That's the sound of what happens when your blood stops flowing.

You did. All right, here you go, Max. There you go, buddy. Bing-Bong. Max Wissinger has begun the bucket portion of the show. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. There goes Max, everybody. Luckily, too far away for Adam's favorite handshakes over your old handshakes. your old handshakes me. Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty. The thoughts that go through my head

when Heidi's on stage. It's unbelievable. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's hotter. The old Houston buttercakes. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? It's real. It's real.

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Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake McFarland. Let's see what happens here. We're going to meet Jake. Put your hands together for Jake, everybody. Jake McFarland, there he comes. Hey, Sugar Land. I just want to start this by saying,

I'm five years sober and clean. From white pussy. Yeah, wasn't a hard choice. White pussy tastes like Nichols. Yeah, it does. That's true. Yeah. It's February, baby!

Yeah, not a lot of black people in here. That's crazy. Yeah, it's February, and as a black man, I'm just going to tell you, as a black man, I'm doing my part. Yeah. I'm out there doing it, yeah. I've been eating black pussy. Yeah. And I was actually recently eating some black pussy just a couple days ago and I was down there in them thick thighs

You know how it is and I was down there doing my thing You know hey but I was running out of air quick all right I come up for air go Oh oh oh she grabs you by the back of the head and goes no reparations bitch. I was like who fucking Oh motherfucker rat da da da da da yeah I um All right. He's gone his full length of time. Hi, Colin. How are you? When you're eating puss, are you just making noises inside of a pussy? Grab that mic. I'm making a lot of noise. Yeah. I thought it was her gun.

She was holding it to my head. That's true. Yeah. Are you really eating black pussy? Every chance I get. I mean, I'm telling you, when I get done with this, I'm sure there's going to be a line of them. of them. So, you know, I'm looking forward to that. I have a question. Yeah. Go ahead. If white pussy tastes like Nichols, what does black pussy taste like?

Like cocoa butter and original wings. A follow-up question. Hi, Adam Ray, from comedy. Yeah. I think I recognize it. Thank you. And a very good ratatatat to you. What about Asian or Jewish pussy? I think if you like Asian women, you're secretly gay.

And I don't know, let's play a game. I'll pull up a bunch of trannies from Asia and then just regular Asian women, and we'll find out who's hot and who's not. All right, let's do it, come on. I'm just saying, I think we know what's going to happen. Your boyfriend's going to look gay, okay? So...

Stand on that red circle for me there. Is this where the anvil is? Fuck. The anvil from Looney Tunes? All right, you're cool. Let me ask you something, Jake. Where are you meeting these black women whose pussy you're eating? Anywhere I can.

But like give us an example of where it's actually happening. Man, I do a lot of so like, I'm a black comedian. Okay, why do you keep saying that? I am. I'm a black comedian. I was banned from all white comedy rooms until like six months ago. Why? He's a ginger. I am a ginger.

Um... Man, you really want to know? No, we're all right. Jake, I'm asking you, dude. Yes, I really want to know. We're on a live show. I don't know if you know that. There's 7,000 people out there, Jake.

I do really want to know the answer to the question that the host of the show just asked you. Stand in the middle of the red circle, Jake. I'll keep it real. I'll stay right here. The middle of the red circle. Middle, middle. There you go. Just stay there. That's the target. Okay.

Black people love to run. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not that black. I, uh, honestly, I pulled a gun on a guy. Okay, tell us more about that shit. Yeah, okay. So I was at a comedy show.

It was a black comedy show. Y'all don't have those in Austin, but in Houston, it's when you go to a place and everyone's black. You know what I mean? Just, sure. We all lived in, we all did comedy in LA for a couple decades. You know, right? Okay, so you do.

Okay, yes. And I was about to leave, but one of my buddies who had went on the show, on the show, he actually didn't get on the show. He got snuffed by another comedian. He started crying. He got a little drunk, threw a fit, walked out. And I was like, well, fuck him, right? But then I thought, you know what?

I better smooth it over with the host. So I walked up to the host, but I left my keys and my trucks. We're out in the parking lot this time. By the way, I want to preface this preface by saying, I was at Carrington's. If you know what Carrington's is, that's the hood. Jesus, fucking Christ. That's the fucking hood.

Come on, get to the point of the story. Get to the point of the story, Jake. Anyway, my bad, my bad. I'm wasting time. I'm wasting time. This story better end with a rat, ta-tah-da-da-da-da-da-da. A different kind, yeah, okay. Get to the fucking story, Jake.

Do you really want to know? Do you really want me to be honest about the what happened? All right, here we go. Come on. So I was out in the parking lot talking with the comedian and the host, and another comedian started talking shit, and I told him that he's being disrespectful, and he said, what are you going to do about it?

And I said, take them glasses off. And he walked around his car, and I said, are we fighting or what? And he said, no, I'm just gonna shoot yo ass. I'm just gonna kill your ass. It's the hood, this is the streets. It was a black guy? It was a black guy. Right.

Which is crazy, because when I pulled a gun on him and told him to take his hands out of the trunk after he popped the trunk to grab a gun, he closed the trunk. Damn. They don't like it when black people get, guns pulled on him, I guess. You know, your story takes forever.

This is like how hard it is for a woman to come. Thank you. It's incredible. Thank you, ladies. Wow. The moral of the story is... There's a moral? All right, go ahead.

I put my gun back in the trunk after he... or the car after he closed the trunk, and he said he's calling the police. So I was like, okay, well, fucking Jesus, I thought I was black, but, you know, apparently he's not. This thing where you keep calling yourself black. I'm Ginger. What are you talking about? I'm light-skinned.

Why do you keep saying that? I got black. Hey, I could call... man. I could call it my black friends right now. Do you say the word? No, no, I don't say the word. Then you're not black. No, no. What do you do for work?

I'm a handyman. You're a handyman? Yep. What exactly do you specialize in? Woodwork and stuff like that? Ah, well, maybe you are black because they would work if they could work. See what I do? Yeah. It doesn't make sense, but...

My black friends call me Jigaboo Jake, actually. Okay. All right. Okay, well, since you're so black, guess what? You're leaving with a little black joke book. Jake McFarland, everybody. Oh, can't catch. Not black. Not black.

Not black. Not black. Not black. Not black. All right, here to clean the slate. Oh, my goodness. Great. That's right. Since it's a road show, the great Valerie Vaughn is here, everybody.

Put your hands together for Valerie. She attends and works with us on every single non-Austin and sometimes in Austin, but always on the road show. We have another Houston Golden Ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. Can you believe it? Make some noise for them here with a brand new minute. It's Colin Sledge, everybody. You know him. A brand new minute.

Thank you. You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth, because they're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us 10 fingers, so we're supposed to be finger blasting, like, all the time. I always tell girls, you should never fake an orgasm with me, you know, because I don't care. I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time, but I was telling them, Just to be safe, you should pee during sex. So I'm into that, hell yeah.

My parents are here, by the way. Can I do one more joke? Okay. My girlfriend says I don't make enough eye contact during sex. And it's not even true. I make a lot of eye contact during sex. It's just with myself in the mirror. Not in a narcissistic way.

I just like to pretend I'm getting cocked. by my evil twin. Wow. Colin Sledge in front of the hometown crowd. That is what every comedian hopes to do. Amazing, Colin. Fucking hilarious, as always. Thank you.

What do you think your parents think about that set? They've seen it before, probably. Oh, nice. Tell us what part of Houston are you from? I'm from Northwest Houston by the Heights. Ooh. Northwest Houston. Say the N-word there, you might get in trouble.

Yes. Different than Southwest. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I feel like I would get in trouble anywhere if I said it. No, yeah, you definitely will. White people would beat you up if you said it. Yeah.

Colin, tell us about your experiences here in Houston, Texas. Do you ever, what else might people know you from? Did you ever have jobs here? Well, I used to work at the Galleria. What did you do at the Galleria? I worked at Express, you know. Express Galleria. Go ahead, write down whatever you're trying to do.

He's got nothing. Nothing. And then I worked at Willowbrook. Ooh, where? Willowbrook, it's like further northwest. It's kind of ghetto. Was that the Express at Willowbrook? Yeah, they moved me over there.

Wow. They didn't like that. Transfer Express employee. Yeah. Work for Lex West. Wexner, who was on the Epstein files. Oh, yes. Yes, he was, I never met him personally, but he did exploit my labor. Amazing. I can't believe he didn't show up to one of his many locations in Willowbrook.

Yeah, Willowbrook, like, there would be, like, stabbing every week at Willowbrook. And we'd be, like, the only store that didn't even close. Right. Because white people need their skinny jeans. Exactly. I love it, Colin. What else is going on in life? I went shooting with Hans Kim and Dusty and sportsman's finest and stuff. How was that? It was fun.

Everyone was very nice, especially when I had a gun. I never shot a fully automatic weapon before, and they just gave me like an energy drink. And they were like, you're our friend, right? Welcome to Texas. I love it. I think they're hooking Kim up with a gun maybe at some point. They are. Yeah. And I have one already.

Yes. She already has one. If there's any stalkers out there watching or listening to the show, she is. I'm also a victim of that. Because it used to be if you search creepy kill Tony guy, I would come up. To be honest, I'm on edge right now. And when he came out, I was like, whoa. But you look like a nice stalker.

Like you'd just stroke someone's cheek or something. Yeah. I would roof be a girl, but I would just hold her hand the whole time. Yeah, you look like when you eat black push, you'd blow on it instead of going rat, tat, tat, tat, tat. It's too hot for him. Yeah, too hot, yeah. Cool it down. Jesus. That's all this hot pussy.

It's in his mouth like an airplane. Have you ever been with a black woman? No. Oh, geez. Bring her out. Bring her out. She comes. Everybody.

Thought we had one ready. Wow. Why do you think you've never been with a black woman all the time here in Houston, a large populace of those people? Who's... I wasn't always good looking. I used to be, yeah. Oh my god, men are so confident.

I mean, when he first got on the show, his hair looked different. Ever since he's been dating his girl, look at his hair he is right now. Yeah, she started taking care of me. I'm like a stray cat. How else has your girlfriend changed you? Is there anything else?

You've been trimming your pubes and whatnot? No, she prefers that I don't do that. Ooh. Is there any other changes that she's made you, though? You know, people used to say, girls like a neat place, you know, got to be a very clean. And since I've had a girl,

my place has never been messier in my entire life. So, yeah. They leave their stuff. Yeah, so I used to be very organized, and now I'm not so much. Right. But it's worth it. Yeah, yeah, I think so, on balance.

You get to dump loads. Well, Vesectomy hasn't happened yet, but it's on the way. The what? The vasectomy. Oh. Yeah. I'm working on it.

So I tried to, you know, I talked to the doctor, and he didn't want to do it on me because I didn't have kids. But I don't want to have kids just to get vasectomy. And so I said, I'll go visit my niece in Honduras. My brother had a baby. And then I'll come back. If I still want a vasectomy, will you give it to me? And he said, yes. And then I did that.

And then I came back, and I called him, and he retired. So. I'm sort of back to square one, but it's in the works. Call me insane, but I feel like you don't have to go to Honduras to get a vasectomy. Like, you could just find a different doctor. You can do it in Red Band's VR world. I'll do it for you. I love it.

Do you do drugs? Do I do? I just take weed gummies. You look like you sell mushrooms to Scooby in the gang. That is true. That's my girlfriend's influence on me. Yeah. Colin, you were absolutely hilarious tonight.

Congratulations. Hometown crowd in front of your parents. You did it. We're getting back to the bucket. One more time for Colin Sledge, everybody. And back to it we go, ladies and gentlemen. In communities across Canada, hourly Amazon employees earn an average of over $24.50 an hour. Employees also have the opportunity to grow their skills and their paycheck by enrolling in free skills training programs for in-demand fields, like softs.

Software Development and Information Technology. Learn more at aboutamazon.ca. Your next comedian is Brandon Brown. We're going to meet Brandon Brown all together now. Put your hands together for Brandon, everybody. These people wait their whole lives for a moment like that. Hey, shit. We're doing it. Mr. Hensflip, I got to tell you, I'm a big-ass fan.

You too, Adam Ray. Me and my wife, we're such big fans to kill Tony. that we role play Kill Tony in the bedroom, right? So sometimes, like, I'll be hitting it from the back, and I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. We're really doing it. And then sometimes I like to pretend I'm one of the black guys that get on Kill Tony.

I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. But my favorite people who come on Kill Tony are the Asians, right? So sometimes I'll be back there going, oh yeah, we're really going, baby, right? Oh, man. But it goes both ways, right? So sometimes because she's like, I want to be Tony. And I'm like, all right, you can be Tony.

So I'll be eating her pussy, right? And then she'll go, we've done this a thousand times. You still can't hit the fucking buttons, right? Like, what the fuck? I've known you for 10 fucking years. And you still can't get it fucking right? Everybody, I'm Brandon Brown, and that's my time. We really do it, baby.

Look at this guy. Are you pointing at your girl out there? Yes. Where's she at? Hey, we pay big money. We're right in the front row. I love it. I love it.

How do you get big money? What do you do for work, Brandon Brown? I'm an insurance broker. I love it. Amazing. How long you've been doing that for? I've done it for about four years now. You are one of the buffest.

insurance brokers I've ever seen before. This is incredible. Thank you. Do you repo insurance? What's going on? Now I say, you're going to get some protection for your fucking family or what? Yes.

Sometimes it works. You look like Rogan if you stop doing the podcast. That's a compliment. I appreciate you. It is, man. Retired Rogan, you do. You really do. We're really doing it, baby.

Have you, so you, how long did you practice that set a lot? I came up with that at 3.43 this morning. No one's going to dispute that. I was so excited. I was actually, so what's funny is I knew you were going to be here. We have a little connection to you and I. Oh, go ahead. Ooh, now you have a stalker.

No, no, no. So me and the wife spent a couple of your shows. Oh, yeah. And, you know, so when you're doing Dr. Phil, we'd come see at Dr. Phil. loved you and Dr. Phil. I appreciate it. And I sent you a Facebook message late one night, high as fuck. Sure. And, um, I try to respond to everybody. Did I get back to you? So, because me and my girl were like, I was like, I wonder if we can get married on Dr. Phil. And you and I went back and forth in a shit ton of messages. And then my Facebook got hacked.

And I could never get a hold of you again. And like, we were, like, you're just like, I'm ordained. Like, yeah, let's do this shit. Yeah. Yeah, look it up, Brandon Brown in your phone. I'll take your word for her. player, but, uh, don't tell me how to live my life after you dry hump the fucking stage. No, that's enough. No, stop it. You're going to have nightmares. Uh, wait, so, but you guys got married.

Yes, we did. Without you. Where did you get married at? Um, we did at the courthouse. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. Yeah. And, uh, how many, uh, times have you beaten your wife since you got married? Um, I, you know, it depends when the trend starts to kick in. I don't really remember, but, you know. What does she do for a living? She is a nurse. Okay.

You guys have kids? No, we do not. Are you finishing inside of her? Every time. I got a bad back, so I got a weak-ass pool game. Like, when I did this, like, there's a reason why God didn't make me black. Yeah. How many times do you make her meow in bed?

Oh, I'm very good at that. Yeah. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom in real life? Are you usually on bottom because of your bad back? No, you know, man, she's going to kick my ass for I'm saying this. This is the good parts. These are the good parts. So I got very extremely lucky and I got hurt in Afghanistan.

I took an armored plate to the left side of the dick bag. So like my dick gets hard and like I can go forever because I have limited feeling, right? Oh, yeah. So yeah, I normally just go until she gets tired. And then I'm like, woohoo. Or sometimes I hit her with a, you know, But that's only when I'm Tony. It's incredible.

Do you finish? Do you come? Yeah, I still come. How do you come if you don't have feeling? Yeah, it's only on like the left side. Like my dick has feeling, but like I have like half the feeling that I had before. So like I go three times longer. The question was, what's your favorite TV show?

Yeah. I don't know how we got on this tangent. Dr. Phil Live. I love it. So Afghanistan, that was a, what was it? you rolled over a IED. We got hit by an IED. Yeah.

Oh my God. Okay. Can you take us through that? What was that like? Is it traumatizing for you? Not for me. A lot of people have different experiences in the military. I was very lucky.

We were more on the attack side of things. So, like, we went out every day. We were part of an EOD group. And, like, it was just like, who's going to get blown up today? We'd laugh about it. So once nobody died, like it was just fun. It was just work. I miss it.

We love you for your service. Thank you. U.S.A! U.S.S. That's goddamn right. Greatest country on planet Earth. Amazing. Any other crazy stories

from being on the other side of the planet? Oh, yeah. So my favorite is, right, this made me think of you too. I did this at about 402 after I came up with my bit. So I was sitting there like, what the fuck am I going to tell? you know, Tony. Well, then I was like, Mr. Hinchcliff. Do I call him Tone?

Like that one guy, I'm like, so, like, I've been playing around when I'm just going to sit with Tony. The question was, what's your favorite food? Yeah, I'm getting around to it, right? So we would deal with a lot of people who blew their self up being on an EOD team. And I had the magic ability.

I would always find the dick. Like, we'd be walking around, looking for body parts and shit. I have that ability, too. It's okay for you to find dick. It's weird when I find dick. Yeah. Hey,

Hey, very antsy on the sound. I thought you'd like that, you know, that's probably something I'm coming. So give us an example of, you know, when people get blown up. Yes, I find a lot of dicks. Do you do what I do when you find it and immediately just, oh? Yeah, I picked it up with two sticks and I chase people around with it.

Ah, I love that. You touch them, you're gay. I love that. Amazing, Brandon Brown. Well, so much fun. Congratulations. You got to do it. Thank you.

Right in the heart of the show. Here's a big joke book, man. You fucking did it, dude. Another drop. The Houston droppers are legit here. Houston can't catch a fucking cold. That's amazing. Okay, your next bucket pool, live in Houston, Texas,

goes by the name of Mackenzie Jewel, everybody. Here we go. McKenzie, Jewel. McKenzie, everybody. Hell yeah. I'm gay and autistic, so technically I'm a double minority, but because I'm white, it just levels out. You know what I mean?

I'm bisexual, that kind of sucks. You know what I mean? Because I feel like bisexual is gayer than being gay, you know? Because when you're bi, that means that you like dick and pussy, right? So if you choose some dick over pussy, that's gay. That's really gay. That's really gay. But I'm autistic and bitches love the tism dick.

I'd be stimming in they shit, you know? I'm like, damn, bitch, this is he giving me a sensory overload right now. I'm in hole. I'm like, so when you store your large files, do you use Dropbox or One Drive? I'm really bad at Netflix and chilling because I always just want to pay attention to the movie, you know? I'm like, babe, stop sucking my dick. This is the scene where Michael Keaton becomes the founder.

Cool. Get up. Amazing set, McKenzie, Jewel, with a breakout performance. Welcome, Mackenzie. You're hilarious. How long you've been doing stand-up? I'm coming up on my third year, April. Fuck yeah. All of it here in Houston? Yes, sir.

I love it. What part of town do you live in? I'm over in West Chang. right now, but I was on the show before, and I mentioned I grew up in the foe foe, Acres Homes. Okay. You're like if Mike Jones sucked on bones. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Amazing. That's one of my favorite. You know, there's a lot of gay autistic comedians, but you came out with energy, act outs, you kept everybody's attention. Thank you. Guns ablaze, and absolutely incredible. Question for you, are you the new blippy? Who's blippy?

That's what I... ask myself, just about a while. I'm Gen Z, but I don't, you know, I'm reformed from TikTok, you know. It's not autistic. How old are you, McKenzie? I am 23. 23 years old. What are the kids up to nowadays?

I mean, other than fucking anything that moves. All the ones I know just hang out and are sad at open mics and shit. Yeah, yeah. What's the most, what do you think is the most autistic thing about you? What's like your specialty? Everybody has a thing. Some are good at chess, some are good at numbers, this, that, and the next. Honestly, I feel like I got fucked on the autism thing.

I feel like I'm just, like, depressed, lazy autistic. What are the superpowers you were hoping to obtain? I don't know. Being able to just have, like, one of those cool library brains that just knows a bunch of shit. You know, I fried my brains on my brain on drugs, but I'm better now. What kind of drugs? I was hella into Coke. Really?

Yeah. Adderall. I did DMT on stage one. one time. Well, that's cute. Yeah. But the Coke, I can't imagine. I've never seen like a nerdy Cokehead before.

Just, yeah, you know, I, uh, and I was, and I wasn't cool. What were you doing? You would get drunk with your pals or whatever? Yeah, just doing open mics for three people and shit, you know. Wow. Ken. Mackenzie, I swear to God when you came out, I thought you were a woman. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna lie. I'm still not sure. Can I? I actually, I lived as a woman for a year. I could tell. Let's go to a clip. That's not a joke.

Yeah, no, I believe it. Yeah, she actually made a couple Netflix specials. That's Hannah Gatsby, everybody. Live, blood flesh. Incredible. So tell us about living as a woman for year. By the way, I feel like this is every 23-year-old in the country right now. We're all going to die.

Oh, the mixed chickens and shit got the fucking estrogen, you know? You got the estrogen? From the McChicken's. What do you mean? I don't know. We're trying to fix that. Give us some time. RFK.

RFK joining us in the McChicken report. Yeah, but no, I just, I had pink hair. I worked at a comic book store. It was the happiest I ever was, actually. When you were a woman. Tell us what you were doing to be a woman, though. You were putting on a dress, were you... Yeah.

Hot Topic, clearance sales... You were working at Hot Top. working at Hot Topic? No, no, but I would buy from Hot Topic a lot. What would you buy exactly? Skirts and shit and cute little frog shirts and shit. Did you go by McKenzie? Yeah, yeah, it's a cool thing, gender neutral name, you know?

Can we see your tits now that you're not a girl? No, red band. Red band. You can't do that because that's harassment. When you ask somebody that's sharing things with us to show us their tits, whether it's a boy or a girl that's disrespectful. and it's unacceptable in today's normal society. Can we see your take?

Whoa! Whoa! Look at those! He's still a man, everybody. He kept the dude tits. No double scars for this guy. What pulled you out of it? You know, I started taking edibles, and I just was on an edible,

and I had this ego death that was insane, and I was like, wow, I'm kind of ugly as a woman. Yeah. That's amazing. I wish we could send that exact clip to every fucking half gay kid around the world right now. Oh, don't clap for me. Yeah, no, it's good, it's good. We keep an open mind, but at the same time, it's just contaminating everybody.

Tell us, how do you think you were led down that path? You have liberal parents? I mean, they kind of let me run for, yeah, yeah, you know, I was homeschooled. Ah, yeah. I never got, I never went to high school, but I have a diploma that says certified improv badass, so that's something. Your parents made that for you? No, I did two years of improv for it, you know.

Wow, that's the gayest thing about you. Yeah. Amazing. So what's your preference at the end of the day? You think you're 50-50 dudes and girls? Like, what kind of buy are you? 75-25? I honestly, my-

What about pets? Pets. What do you mean with pets? You into animals? Not into like, sexually, no. Because you're giving off ferret vibes. Yeah. I'm a mere cat.

I'm a mere cat. AI told me I'm a mere cat. Oh, my God. He now identifies as a mere cat. Okay, let's go back to the question. Where are we at? 50-50. 50.

Honestly, my track record is mostly women, but I have probably fooled around with two guys and I've had one boyfriend. Ooh. First of all, let's give credit to the loud, what the fuck from the Houston man. It sounded like he drives a truck for a little.

Let's put a spotlight on hairy homophob up there in the third balcony. He made it all the way through until McKenzie goes, I had one boyfriend with, What the fuck? Better not have been in my neighborhood. I mean, you can buck them in all, but Jesus Christ saying you're in a fucking relationships, guys, fuck. You keep that tism dick and that female hair cut out of my cul-a-sac. That's my Burger King.

What the fuck? the book, I'm gonna have to drive to Southwest Houston, just scream the N-word in a field after this. So tell us... You were a woman in the gayest thing you said is that you had a boyfriend. Yeah, tell us about his boyfriend. He actually came on the show one time.

His name is Jackson Namy. Nobody cares about that. Tell us about your boyfriend. That was him. It was fine. It was okay. I have a girlfriend now. I like it better.

Tell us why you like it better. Um, well, something softer about women. It almost seems like that's what your biology wants, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, right. Wow. Wow, turns out we're all natural human animals. My goodness gracious. You almost said the first dick you ever,

and then I cut you off. Let's go back to that. The first dick I ever sucked was black. Ooh. Wasn't that a Judy Blume book? First thing, all right. It was that ginger guy. guy.

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-da-ta-da. Yeah. Tell us about this black dick you sucked. How exactly does that happen and were you just bullied and he forced it into your face? You know, I thought because he had like magic, the gathering cards, the dick would be like kind of like not that. You were playing magic with a black guy? No. Is it Magic Johnson?

I just thought because he had, I just thought because he had the cards, he would be. be like it wouldn't be that but it was big and I didn't do it good probably when you say you didn't do it good probably what exactly do you mean sir hold your what the fuck i'm gonna go get another drink before this f f*** it answers that question give me a mike's hard lemonade i don't care if he's hard i ain't gay can't even twist a tweet twiz twinks What? Twisted T's are called Tweed, maybe twink, whatever.

Okay. Stick with me over you. Okay, okay. When you say you probably didn't do a good job, what exactly do you mean? I just feel like I remember like half-assing it. Yeah, like it was Toothy, like probably. Ooh, Ratat Tootty over here. Amazing.

Toothy probably means 100% toothy, by the way. If you think your teeth might be hitting it. Tootty was the name of the black guy. Toothy Jenkins, wide receiver, University Alabama. Number 34, Toothy Jenkins. Wide receiver. Amazing. Amazing stuff.

McKenzie, you are doing such a fucking good job. Great answers, great interview. Great set. Red band? McKinsey, if you're ever in Austin, I'll have you on the Secret Show. Hell yeah, dude. Boom.

You're booked on a Thursday in Austin. The gay guy caught it. The first local to catch a joke book tonight was a bisexual 23-year-old let the record show. That guy will catch any type of, any type of... Mr. Tony. Thank you so much. How about one more time for Heidi and Val, everybody?

Are they not? Every time shit gets a little too gay up here, we bring them up here to remind us all what we're into. Right after you're done picturing a boy, Boy, giving a toothy blowjob to a fat black cock. Heidi and Ballard here to remind us all that we're straight. Ah, where are my gloves? Come on, heat.

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Two bucket pools, and now I present to you yet another boy born and raised on the outskirts of Houston, Texas. You know him very well. While never officially being a golden ticket winner or a regular, he became famous for being funny offstage, and then starting comedy on Kill Tony, and then growing nonstop. And now he's to the point to where he's headlining all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Houston's own Uncle Laser. God damn, just in time for rodeo season.

Favorite time of the year. Best thing I love about that goddamn rodeos and big, fat, black women in them goddamn jeans. And jean shorts, just throwing ass to our Lord and Savior, George Strait. You ain't lived until you've seen somebody pop their pussy to Amarillo by morning. I tell you what. And you got them cataford tortoise. Them big ass category for torches walk around them airbrush shirts.

Says RIP Miguel, barbecue stains on it. Looking like a feral dog looking for a goddamn slice of brisket. I had pissed drunk out there last night and shacked up with this creature, you know. I said, where are you from, baby? She said, I'm from the Bayou, Louisiana Bayou. I said, fucking Buffalo Bayou. That's where you're from. You're from fucking...

But there I am in the back of a Ford Focus, okay? Gutting that pig and fucking... lot C, all right? And she goes, baby, you're going to make this pussy fart? I said, do what? He said, you're going to make this pussy fight? I said, keep your fucking boys down.

Keep your boys down. I said, what are you asking me? She goes, you're going to make this pussy a ship? I texted my mom. I said, hey, I met the Houston Life Sharks on Roadie. I need you come get me real quick. You're going to have to come get me. Hey, security man, you ever made a pussy fox?

strong and silent type I like that saxophone you ever made that pushy fart what that sound like now that ain't it that ain't it you need to see a doctor that ain't it Michael Gonzalez you ever made a pussy fight what that sound like boy Michael Gonzalez ladies and gentlemen my name's uncle later I've been great Uncle laser I don't even know where to begin with that manic wild set but it was Very, very awesome. Great stuff. Tell the people watching the podcast around the world what you're talking about about the Houston Rodeo,

which is an annual super weekend that just so happens to be right now. You know, they got Indians, Mexicans, blacks, white, pretending like country dressing up, pretend to know what they're doing during the rodeo. It's fun, man. He get pissed, drunk, to Astrodome. You can buy art. It's great, man.

Like the little elementary kids draw art shit you can bid on it I bought a horse there last year Wow you got the place running wild right now The what the fuck guy's enjoying himself right now Wow, so you're hooking up with the big girl And she said make this pussy fought Fought she's Louisiana Occasion but like

They speak their own language So like that means fucker so hard that a bunch of air gets in there? Yeah, so it's like the proper knowing clature is queef. Right. And fellas, if you ain't ever had to happen to you, why it's inside it, it's gonna startle you at first. It feels like when he put two magnets together and he pushed you away. And I told her one, I said, what the fuck was that? And she goes, that's my pussy leaving you a review.

I said, bitch, I hope you fucking crash in the Brassus River when you go home. Absolutely incredible. It is unsettling when a woman does that. Yeah, I had a girl go, you did this to me. Yeah, well, but listen, this is one rule of thumb when it, if it smells, she actually farted. You hear me? Yeah. That a dead giveaway every time.

No doubt about it. I'm interested to hear what the other horn players might think a pussyfought sounds like. We only got the saxophone. What else? Do we have anything from you guys? Is there another pussy fart noise that you guys can muster up? Okay. You know I need that sweet, sweet trombone down there.

That's it. That's what I like. We found a winner. That smells gonna hit about five seconds after that one. Yeah. That's the old, regular old fart. Fart! Amazing.

So this beautiful beast from Louisiana that you made love to, How does an event like that end for you? You just, you get her in Uber, like, where, this took place in a car? And her Ford Focus, there's her in Ford Focus. Oh, yeah. The primary vehicle of most Louisiana people. Ballin on the budget, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So you're in the back seat of the Ford Focus? We had to lay the front seats down, and it, I mean, it was getting hot and heavy, because she's heavy, you know? Yeah. At one point I tried to lift her up, all of me, my fucking leg was going numb. I put my hand up on it, like, Titanic, you know what I'm saying, in that back of the scene. So, yeah, I miss home, you know. That's Houston for you. That's it, man.

I actually lost my virginity about six minutes down the road in a little trailer, like a colonia down there. Wow. Richmond, Rosenberg, a little, yeah. Tell us about that. Tell us how, what was your age and which relative was it? I was, I was 12 and... Holy shit.

The Mexican girl was 14, the black dude was 16. Wait. Hold on a second. There was guest stars in this? Was McKenzie Jules sucking his cock while this was happening? Well, you know... Was the black guy getting a toothy blowjob in the corner? He's like, yeah, make that pussy five.

Come on, Laysa. So, like I stole my mama's Jeep, I stole my mama's Jeep drink, Gary Key, and we drove down to there. We got in the window, and he's like, I'm gonna let you go first. He's a gentleman. And, uh... And I got in there and I'm just fooling's about. I'm just happy to be. I have no idea what I'm doing.

About 15 minutes go by. I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I turn around this big, beautiful black man, just naked, but just a foot of dick on him, you know. Look like when you take the fucking shitty pictures of your kids out of your wallet and unravels, it was... And he's like, let me show you I was done. And they start fucking, and I'm just sitting there like,

you know, I know what to do. And he, you know, trailer houses, you know, they're kind of flimsy, you know, and he'd fucking up against a wall, and they fell through that little plywood wall shit into her, uh, her thea's room. Oh my goodness. And then she starts hollering in the language, I don't understand.

And then fucking, we jump out of the window and I get so nervous. I actually rode my mama's Jeep off in the ditch. And cop came and shit. My mama took me home. They took the black dude. He was actually 47. So that called everybody. I made that part up.

God damn it. I made that part up. It's true. There are no real black pedophiles. A little fun fact. You'll never see a black pedophile and also a fun fact, black people do not sneeze. I hope you guys know this, but it's a real thing. John D, is, can you confirm this?

Have you ever sneezed before? I just did. I just did. I've actually never seen them really sneezed. Yeah, he's joking, but have you ever really sneezed? Yes. Shut the fuck out. I know black people can't have Down syndrome either.

That's a fact. That's a fact. They all can get sickle cell, but you can't get the retardation stuff. That's a fact, God damn it. Anyway, I missed home. The only kind of downs black people get her first downs on the football field. Am I correct, everybody? Am I correct?

That ta-da-ta-da-da-ta-ta-ta-da-to-thut-a-da. Toothie Jenkins, University Alabama. Uncle Laser, to watch you grow, set after set on this show is an anomaly. Home town, baby. It's incredible. In his hometown, six minutes away from where he lost his virginity in a trailer with a 14-year-old and a 16-year-old black man. 18-year-old black man, one more time for Uncle Laser, everybody. Trump's way!

Back to the bucket we go. And your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Kyle Clinton, everybody. Kyle, my goodness, I'm going to hand for Heidi as well. Chimony Crickets. That's a real ass. She works out every week. Here's Kyle Clinton, everybody. Big Brother recently told me he got a vasectomy.

And then he asked me if I was going to get a vasectomy. I was like, I think I got to be getting some pussy first. Being from eastern Kentucky, sometimes people ask me if I banged my cousin. I'm like, no. She was homecoming queen. She was way out of my league. Plus, I had a big brother and like six cousins, my family had some real stiff competition.

Growing up in Kentucky, sometimes people think I was brought up Baptists, but I was actually raised Methodist. Then in my 20s, I became a Crystal Methodist. Thank you, everybody. I'm Kyle. Motherfucking Clinton has done it again. Always funny. Love your delivery.

Love everything about you. How are you feeling, Kyle? I feel fantastic. Thank you, everybody. Sugar Land. Have you been here, before to Sugarland? I have. I saw Chris Rock in here. I saw Jay Leno in here. At this venue. At this venue. Smart financial son. Yeah. I love it. Amazing. Is this Houston where you're from?

Yeah. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky, but I live here now. I live. What made you choose Houston? Work. Perfect. But now fun? Yeah. What do you do for work? Well, I was managing shopping centers, and right now I'm substitute teaching. Okay. What shopping centers were you managing at the time? Perhaps Woodlands? or something. Is that what it was called? Most of them were in small towns. I worked for a guy whose family owned a chain of department stores in this area and throughout Texas.

Clare's. Weeners. What's Weeners? Weeners. I know some people out there are familiar. Stop saying that. You're making me hard. What is that place?

It's where everybody got their school clothes growing up, apparently. Really? Yeah. You guys got your school clothes at a place called weeners? Right now that guy up there's like, what the fuck? Right aid wasn't open. Wow. I just thought they started selling kids weeners recently.

Society, media, propaganda. It's a whole thing. Kyle, I loved your vasectomy joke. Did you really do crystal meth? Yes, I'm 13 years not doing it, but yes. How did you end up starting? Explain to me, I've always been curious. How does one start doing Christmas?

start doing crystal meth? Being very distracted is where it might start. Okay, can you give me an example of what you mean? Well, thinking about other things, having to cram for a test and then taking Adderall and then advancing whenever I did not have Adderall. Right, because crystal meth can fill in for Adderall. For those of you that are running a little low on Adderall,

just remember. To substitute. Yeah. Isn't it Crystal Metho, like, you see shit? Like, ride the snake and shit like that. If you take enough Adderall, you'll see... You'll see shit. But tell us about it.

Okay. Should I? No. I mean, so I had some... I had neighbors who could get it, and that became an option for me whenever I was out of Adderall. You know, a good neighbor.

Help a guy in need. So some neighbors give you baking soda. These neighbors are like, What's some crystal mat? Yeah. Deep bark. Yeah. And I don't know, it works.

What's the wildest thing you've ever done on crystal math? Oh, that's a very good question, Tony. That's an excellent question. Look through your peep hole a lot outside. Yes. Let your students dress you with their hand-me-downs from Wieners? Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely.

Searching through the carpet, naked, looking for more maybe. Ooh. 3 a.m.? Why naked? Because porn's on. Oh, okay. What kind of porn you watch on Crystal Meth? Anything crazy?

What's the wildest porn you've ever watched? That's a great question. Penguin porn? Straight porn. Ooh. Interracial porn. Ooh. Right.

Getting warmer. Now say the truth. Clowns and midgets. You know, I hate to say. say this, this might not hit unless you're up close. You do look like the clown from it on his day off. I'll tell you, thank you. Facially.

Perfect. Perfect. I get told I look like a lot of people. Somebody said I look like Charlie Kirk this week. Oh, not great. Maybe now. Not great, yeah. Not great.

I got Mr. Bean. Yep. I was like, wow, middle schooler knows Mr. Bean. That's, I was impressed. Yeah. What do you substitute teaching exactly? Everything. All grades. You're the guy that puts on, like, a video?

Sometimes. We watched a video. Yeah. But sometimes you try to go with the current program? I try. Yeah. You ever throw on some interracial porn just to see what they do? No, never.

Just make it small talk. I was called Mr. Epstein this week. That was... Also not great. Not great. Yeah. But I was surprised they knew who that is. What did you have to do to get that moniker?

Walk around. Wow. Just be me. Do they bully you? Yes, they bully me every day. The middle school is just, I was called a pussy-ass bitch. Oh, there we go. Okay.

The guy that called you, the kid that called you that, what did he look like? What race was he? He was black. Yeah. Banking soda! There you go. Do you fire back?

I did not. Oh, you had a word you could have used. I did Depending on what part of Houston you were in Yeah So when they call you So what were you Why did that kid call you a pussy-ass bitch?

Did you did he was there a context to that situation He said I disrespected him After I told him that I said This is an A-B conversation You can see your way that way Wow Black people hate the alphabet

Yeah He's like He's like He's like, I'm gonna stay N it. And I was like, hey, come over here and tell the coach what you said. He's like, well, you try to rat him out. Are you tattled, you fucking pussy? You really are a, you really are a pussy-ass bitch.

Yeah, I am. The kid was right. Wow. You're like, say it to his face. Because I'm too big of a pussy to say it. That's right. No cap. You are patient, but I would like to see you or hear about you snapping on one of the kids

because I feel like there's, for every patient, sweet, you know, affable dude is a streak of rage. Oh, certainly. It feels like it's building up within you. You seem like the kind of guy. You might be the first ever teacher that is the school shooter. Oh, God.

I think it's only a matter of time. No, it would be a first. For those of you keeping track, no teachers, almost 85% trans people nowadays are the shooters. So it could be, the odds are higher that it would be McKenzie Jewel than... Kyle Clinton.

Now, I have an intercom. I have to get louder than them. I have to get my voice above theirs so they can hear me. But I can't, yeah, they'd do anything. Like, shut up, pussy. The kid that called you Mr. Epstein was, did it make the class laugh because your real name is Mr. Clinton?

I'm starting to make that connection in my head right now. Is that what it was? Ah, Mr. Clinton. Wow. Look at that. Those kids are smart. That guy wasn't even president. It wasn't even president when those kids were born.

Okay, you had a great set, Kyle. We absolutely love you. Here's a big joke book. Boom. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun out there? How about the upper balcony? Are you guys having fun?

Ooh, la, la. Whoa, my goodness gracious. All right. Onward we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise to your next bucket bowl. It is Nunzio Gianni, everybody. Nuncio. How we do it today, you said?

Awesome. My name is Nunzio Gianni. I'm actually coming from Miami for my birthday. So I don't know if we got any folks from Miami or Miami. I know the strippers are amazing. I love them too. I'm fairly young. I moved to Miami when I was 16.

Dating was actually really hard. 16 and 18, early 20s, because Miami's not a place for somebody young like me. But I guess I got a taste. at a taste and some shippers and hoes, so I think I could do all right. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian. My ethnicity is kind of hard to pick. When I come to Texas, I'm either Mexican or colored.

So guys, I'm really nervous, guys. This is my first time. Fuck. I'm going to cut you off there. Nunzi Ogiani. This is the first time Kiltony's had its own halftime show, everybody. How excited to have an illiterate Puerto Rican up here responsible for entertaining us. Absolutely amazing, Nunzi.

He's worst bunny. Yeah. It's good. Bad funny. Okay. Nunzio. Did you prepare for this at all? You know, I did about a year ago. I wrote a minute. We were supposed to come for my birthday, but I didn't review, so. You didn't review. Puerto Ricans are lazy. Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's all right. That set was garbage. It was. It was certainly garbage. Okay. Nanzio, let's at least try to salvage this in the interview portion. How old are you? I'll be 22 next week. Okay. What do you do for work?

I'm a mortgage broker. A mortgage broker. Jesus. God, is that what you wanted to do? No, but I do want to do it now. I kind of find myself into it, and I do really like it because I genuinely do have the opportunity to help people. You're into it? Yeah, yeah. It's amazing.

We're doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles. It's a lot. 16,000 seat venue in LA in May at the Netflix's Joke Fest. You set into it. It made me think of the wild success that I got by not being a mortgage broker and chasing my dreams. Right. Amazing. So you seem like a decent looking guy, right?

What's your love life like? A little difficult. You know, I'm really busy with work a lot of the time. But, um... Oh, guys, come on. You guys think I'm not laying some puss? Give me a break. Oh, my God.

Laying some push? You guys don't think I'm laying puss over here, huh? I'll tell you, look, look, I'll tell you honestly, Miami's a tough place to genuinely find somebody that you're like. What are you talking about? What the fuck?

It's literally like, it's always hot. Like, it's like, everyone's, like, humid and they're pulling out their pussy all the time. Yeah, you see this women. Oh, no, I love it. It's great for me to have a good time, but in terms of... But you're trying to settle down. No, I would appreciate a girl.

to like kick it with, you know what I mean? But you can't find one. Miami's tough. Okay, you just keep saying Miami's tough. Well, especially for me, guys. I moved to Miami when I was 16, so. Where did you move to Miami from? I'm trying to save you here.

If you just focus on me, pretend like it's just me and you in the room, but don't be gay about it. All right. Okay. So where are you trying to find good women at in Miami? Where are you going to try to find them? Or what are you doing? Are you on the apps?

No, I don't like the apps. No. Usually, usually a strip club. Just focus over here. Focus over here. Oh, you're trying to find a good girl at a strip club? Well, you know, sometimes you can find a good one. Have you ever found a good one at a strip club? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. My mom actually works in a lot of the major clubs in... Your mom works at major strip plugs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does your mom do at the strip clubs? Well, she does not strip. I want to make that clear. Okay.

She... It's a V-I phone. The crowd was hoping for that to be your one redeeming fact. Yeah. Everybody wanted there to be like a 35-year-old stripper that shoots ping-pong balls out of her ass or something. No, she's... Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

I just made the what-the-fuck guy come in his pants. All right, there's gotta be a saving grace here, Nunzi O'Giani. I'm trying to save you here. Give us one fun fact about you or your entire life that will win over the entire crowd here in Hughie. here in Houston, Texas. There has to be something that you've done, some accomplishment, something. He's looking to his family, like,

this is the price is right. He's looking for advice in Section 101 here. I grew up in a funeral home. Oh, you grew up in a funeral home. Okay, how did you grow up in a funeral home? Tell us about that. It was my great-grandfather's funeral home, and then it became my mother.

She handled it for the most part. Your mom was working. Your mom was working at a funeral home and strip clubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have a dad in your life? You know, I did. It was kind of difficult, but, yeah, I did have a dad. What do you mean it was difficult?

I was split between two households, so. Ah. Yeah. Let's check in with Hall of Famer Adam Ray here. I'm going to see what's going on in your head. Yeah, this is not great what's happening. But, you know, you're staying in the pocket. I've got to give you some credit.

You're not like, you know, crying or turning and running out through the curse. So it is tough to be up here. What the people booingote realize is it is tough to walk out here and even fucking fries. Yeah. That is true. You know, but this has been pretty bad. But you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Can we ask Carrie homophob what he thinks up there in the third balcony?

Hey, the what the fuck guy? What do you think about Nunzi Ogiani? Only that guy. And everyone else be quiet. else be quiet. Everyone else be quiet and here we go. Well, okay, a bunch of people tried. We knew that was gonna happen. Turns out a lot of guys have an opinion about you.

Let's check in with Kim Kongden here. Well, I just really noticed something and maybe I could give a little piece of advice. You're half Italian, half Puerto Rican, but you're like, the energy you're giving is like, Cokehead frat bro. Like I think you need to lean into more who you are. Like, what's the most Italian and Puerto Rican thing about you?

What is the most Italian? Well, let's start with Puerto Rican here. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about you? You don't recycle. You didn't work on a joke for a year. I like the dance. Okay. You know what?

Michael in the horns. Give us a little Puerto Rican something here. Not that much. Come on. One, two, three, four. Oh, there it is. Hey. That's what they're good at, everybody.

There you go. That's good. That's good. All right, stop. That's enough. It's unbearable. Oh, shit. There's ice.

Okay. I'm getting you out of here. Nunzi O'Jani. Here's a little joke book. Oof, right off the chest. Wow. ESM. I mean, if you're going to boo, you might as well boo.

There you go. Get it out of your systems. The good news is this is working out. The flow of this show is working out perfectly because coming off of... Oh my God, Valerie Vaughn. Like I said, every time someone struggles, there's always something there to clean up the mess.

And this is working out great. After every golden ticket winner or regular or whatever we've had so far, someone does good, and then someone does bad, and then I always have something to clean up the mess. This is another one of those situations. At Desjardin, our business is helping yours. We are here to support your business through every stage of growth, from your first pitch to your first acquisition.

Whether it's improving cash flow or exploring investment banking solutions, with Desjardin business, it's all under one roof. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian online. entrepreneurs who already count on us and contact Desjardin today. We'd love to talk. Business. Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian won a golden ticket. Live in an arena on Netflix on New Year's Eve.

She is with us here tonight. An absolute sensation. Make some noise for one of the newest stars of Kiltony. This is the Houston debut of Young, everyone. You know her. We just finished the Black History Month. Fuck Black History Month. Here this month too.

Why did they make our calendar racial? Seems like everywhere I go, they want to ask for my race. You apply for a school, what's your race? You apply for jobs, what's your race? See, where I grew up, they don't ask that question. Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. So many different races to pick from under that question, to Hispanic, non-Hispanic, black, white, Pacific Islander.

In Asian countries, we'll just put people into two categories. Asian or intruders? Thank you. Boom, another exact minute from Young. Very funny, great stuff. It is true. You guys keep your bloodline pure. Very. Remind us, how long have you been in America?

Since 2012. Okay. Is there anything that surprised you about all the white people that you saw all of a sudden? I think white people are very good at being functional drug addict. Yeah, like... That is it. Yeah, I snorted cocaine for 10 years and I'm helping people with the health. care.

That is amazing. That was pretty good. It's like RFK Jr. and you're like P.F. Chang's Jr. I think I met you at the Rubin Tug about six days ago. Love it. Too soon. I love you, Adam. Can I please get on Dr. Phil Live?

There you go. Yeah? Sure. She wants to be on Dr. Fi-O live. Oh yeah. Dr. Fi-O. Yeah, yeah. Young, so your introduction to all different types of cultures was here in America,

because in China there really is basically just Chinese people. After meeting black people, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? I've done a lot of black things. I was trying to save up for a Dodge Challenger. Oh, my God. Black as hell. That is tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Actually, I aborted a half black baby.

It was pretty bad. You did? Yeah, yeah. Rest in peace, La Quintia. Oh, God. Damn it. If I kept her, she'll look like King Condon. That is true.

That is amazing. Oh, goodness. No, no, I'm just kidding. I never had an abortion. My mom did, though. My mom had three abortions before me. Wow. Let's get to a clip.

We don't have it. We don't have it. Why did your mom have three abortions before you? She just hated my dad. Were they boys? No, all? No. It's the opposite in China, right, Ben? Yeah.

They abort the girls. Oh. Yeah, not anymore. Not anymore. Now they need girls. Now they have too many boys. Right. Yeah.

Backfriot. Stuff. I love it. Now, one thing that we've learned about about you young because you've had a lot of appearances since you became a golden ticket winner on New Year's Eve is that you're a very sneaky roaster yeah make fun of people has anyone ever roasted you I mean I get attacked online all the time people you know trying to say shit online all the time but I don't take it personally but one time

you know in this country like it's hard to survive and one day my mom called me he's She's like, you know, it's hard. Why are you here? You're struggling. And she said, nobody's going to help you. Nobody's, you'll never find anyone that will truly love you in this country. And that kind of hurt.

I'll help you. Oh, look, you got red band here. Red band has been stalking me online. Like, he follows all my social media. Like, I see him popping on my. TikTok suggests the account. Yeah, well your name is his type of girl. Only fans. Yeah, you went from breadline to the bread line. Yeah, I'm not concerned. I think Red Band's like his face is getting dark. I was concerned that his wife has

been slowly poisoning him because... could be. A lot of late night home-cooked barata cheese. Gives me a lot of pills. No, she's He's gonna play the sound effect at his funeral. Cha-ching. Ma-ee! Chaching. Only you can say that. I got in trouble for saying that once.

Oh, I can say it. Let me say it. Hell yeah. Just like how you point, Cam. Young, you are hilarious. Adam, is this your first time seeing Young? First time, hilarious. Met you at the mothership a few times, but very funny to see you live. Great job. This is your first time in Houston.

I happen to know for a fact you had your first time ever at a Buckees on the way here. Yeah. What did you think about Buckees? Well, everything is bigger and better in Texas. Ooh, smart. I love Texas. I like she's brandering. What?

Okay, Puerto Rican, together we cause most traffic in America. Could do something. Red light, yellow light. That's what I call you too. Young, you are. Young, you are a gem. You're so different than everybody else. I just see a little superstar every time I see you. How about one more time for Young, everybody?

Let's keep it moving along. We have our first one-word name of the night. Now, these always, historically, if you end up looking at the statistics of the last 13 years of Kill Tony, you will find that the one-word names are always, always a little something. They're either brilliant, insane, anything can happen.

Make some noise, what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Smithy, everybody. S-M-I-F-F-Y. Smithy. What's up, niggas? You guys are easy. Y'all ever try to be friends with a gay person? I have, because I'm progressive, but you got to watch out for them. Because them niggas, they will try to fuck you.

Like, I went out with buddy, and we went shot for shot. We was having a great fucking time. But he waited until I got good and drunk. I got good and drunk. And he started trying to challenge me to, like, weird games. He was like, yo, I bet you, I could beat you in a dick-sucking competition. And that shit really blew me because I'm like, there's no way I'm going to lose to a f***. Like, wait, listen, I'm not gay.

I'm just competitive. Listen, times are changing. Times are changing. We got old nigger Y-Ns now. Like, I don't know if y'all. ever thought about this, but whatever happened to old black people. They used to be in the church. They used to give great advice.

An old nigger at my job last week came up to me, and he was like, where the hose at? Nigger, your kids are the hos. What are you talking about? All right, yeah, that was my time. Smithy. Fuck yeah, Smithy. Welcome, welcome. What's up, Tom?

How you doing, buddy? How long you been doing stand up? About a year. I love it. All here in Houston? No, I started in Savannah, Georgia. Okay. Is that where you're born and bred? No, I'm from Connecticut. Okay. Wow, the rare, very rare Connecticut black.

What made you move to Savannah? I don't know, I just got it. I was living in Missouri. I was in the military. So, like, after living in Missouri being around like white country people, I was like, I want to be surrounded by black country people. So, yeah. What branch in the military did you swing from? Oh, wait. You, you bitch, you bit you. Got you.

I got ya. No, but seriously, what did you do in the military? Black ops? Oh, yeah. Black Hawk down? All right. This guy's good. Yeah, go ahead.

No, I was in the Army. Mm. Yeah. Okay. What did you do in the Army? The real man. You said what? What did you do in the Army?

I was a mechanic. Nice. Okay. Awesome. Did you serve overseas? Just Korea. Oh, wow. Like a little bit in like Kuwait.

What was Korea like? Did you get to have any fun out there? Did you go out? Not at all, really. Honestly, it was like the most depressing time of my life. Tell us about that. Why? So I had an X at the time and we had broke up. So I was just in Korea, just heartbroken, just eating chicken, getting explosive diarrhea.

It was really, it was a trying time. Like I got to buy like a bunch of things. I got to buy like a bunch of, they have like all the clothes there. So it was like, I got to get like a bunch of drip. It was cool. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Amazing. Okay, Smithy. Now, do you live here in Houston now? Yes, sir. What made you move to Houston? Honestly, your show. I just didn't have any money to move to Austin. So you moved to three hours away?

It takes money, Tony. You sign up for Kill Tony sometimes? Actually, I've only, this is my second time. You signed up once in Austin, didn't get up. Funny enough, it's like I didn't go to Austin. I went to L.A. to, like, the forum show. Interesting. Yeah, but I didn't.

You pick L.A. I don't know. I just trying it. I was like, I don't know, I like, sometimes I like trying my luck. I was like, this might work out. It worked out tonight. Yeah. Amazing.

So you live here in Houston now. What do you do for work? I'm a truck driver. A truck driver? Yeah. Oh my goodness. I'm bringing sexy back. I love it.

When people drive by you and go like this, do you honk the horn? Okay, red band. We know you have a soundboard. Thank you. Only little kids. Right. A grown-ass man is, get the fuck. Really?

Because I do it. I do it all the time. Me too. Like this? Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, you son of a bitch. I swear to God, you do that one more. time I'm going to give you the toothiest blow job you've ever gotten in your life.

I'm telling the tooth. Tooth or false? Don't threaten me with a good time. Okay. You relax. You relax. Smithy. All right.

Okay. So, why haven't you made the drive to Oz? If you moved to Houston for Kill Tony, why haven't you made the drive to Austin to sign up? Because it's like, I'd be working, man. It's like, it's hard. I'll be tired. And I got insomnia.

So I'm like always tired. I'm worried. People think, I'm wearing these guys because I'm lit. I'm just tired. Okay, that's the same reason why D. Madness wears his. Not a lot of people know that. Not blind, he's just tired sometimes.

How do you stay awake if you're driving the truck for so long? Caffeine. Yeah. I'm wired. What do you exactly? Do you have a special regimen that you go through? What? I just usually, to be honest, it's probably not healthy.

It's like, just like thermogenics and like Celsius. Okay. Yeah. Thermogenics and Celsius. Those are your cousin's names? Yeah. You know what's funny? I actually been trying to, like,

I don't know how to pronounce your name. Is it Kim Condom? Or is Ken, Kim, how do I say here? It doesn't matter. Okay. Sorry. Smithy, do you have a girlfriend now? No.

No. What's your dating life like? To be honest, I'm pigeon-toed, so it's like, I don't get a lot of girls because of that. Like, when I walk, it's like... Let me see. Put the mic in the mic stand, and then walk past Michael's drums, walk that way.

Sweet ass. That's not bad at all. All right, walk back towards me. Damn. I know I cut... Yeah. Hr! Fun fact, he did shit his pants

halfway on that walk. Your pigeon-assed as well. Anyway, you think that's what's stopping you from having a girlfriend? Probably. Wow. No, it's not. It's amazing.

When's the last, like, date you went on or something? Uh, I don't even know. How long have you lived in Houston? Probably like two years. Two years. It costs like 50 bucks to just go outside, so I was like, I just play video games. Don't you make money driving trucks? Yeah, but it's like I gotta save it.

For what? For my dog. You have a dog? Yeah. You... Your dog's drinking habit? What is your... buying for your dog that he needs so much money?

He's spoiled, man. Yeah. What do you get him? And I'm a black guy, so it's like, I don't dress like a black guy, but... Oh, I remember. He's saving for... Diamond-encrusted chain. He's saving up for a Dodge Challenger. What do you

spend your money on? Give us some fun things that you... A belt? Yeah. Okay. Well, you stole that, but what do you spend your money on? What kind of dog do you have? He's a hound slash boxer mix. Yeah, jumpy little fucker. Yeah.

Why not a pipple? Well... That is a racist question, Red Band. And when you say things like that, it makes people of color not want to sign up for the show. Why not a pipple? They have, like, pet laws. Like, so they have an aggressive breeds policy.

So if you say in, like, apartment complexes, you can't, like... Yeah, you can't have certain dogs. Right. So instead you got a boxer hound. Wait, you said what? Nothing. Smithy, give us one more fun fact about your life

before I get you out of here. I just found out a couple weeks. I'm a dancing-ass nigger. Me too. I can tell. Usually we can spot our own. When you say you're a dancing-ass friend of ours, what exactly do you mean?

It's like I was walking in like H.E.B. A couple days ago. And like, I have my... Make some noise for H.E.B. Ladies and gentlemen. I will not let it be mentioned without giving it its own special time on this show. It is just an unbelievable anomaly. We were talking about it literally on the way here, on the bus here,

because we stopped at Buckees, which is a national treasure, and the conversation just comes up every goddamn time. Texas has the best gas stations, we have the best grocery stores, we have just the light. Winter lasted two weekends this fucking year. It is unbelievable. Tell us about this trip to H.E.B. Now, I just had my headphones in.

It was like, I was playing like, grinding by the Neptunes, and I just freaking pop-blocking. So crazy. I was literally playing that on the drums earlier, asking my dear black friend, John Dees, if he knows that song. And it's the only song that we talked about before the show was grinding by the clips.

Am I correct? He can confirm. And then what happened? When you were playing grinding, you were dancing in the H.E.B. And then what? Someone entered you into a dancing competition. You found out you were dancing.

It's like sometimes you just come to realizations. It's like, you know, like the first time you probably figured out you was gay. Yes, absolutely. I was in an HEB. I had my headphones on. I fell onto a breadstick. Why don't we hear, why don't we see a little bit of dancing from you? And then we're going to have the great Hall of Famer, Adam Ray,

who happens to also be a dancing ass motherfucker. We're gonna have a little dance competition here. I'm gonna throw Adam on the spot, the legend Adam Ray. Let's let him go first. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Smithy, everybody. This is our cover of the clips. Grinding.

Oh shit, whoa, oh shit. Go pigeon toe, go pigeon toe. Go pigeon toe. It's your birthday. Oh shit. Whoa, whoa. There it is. Breaking into the jewelry store.

That's what we call that dance. Oh. Wow, that's literally what I was gonna do. Now, ladies and gentlemen, a man who's never taken a loss in the history of the show. Doing his dancing ass. Oh, oh my God. Oh, no seal.

Oh, I don't know how to swim. Oh, my goodness. It's, whoa, oh, he transferred it. Whoa! His heart, oh my God. Oh my God. My God. You got a jump shit?

How about a hand for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen? I panicked. I thought what would the fucking closet of gay guy do? What the butt? You were getting Smithy with it. Smithy, you are so fun, amazing stuff. Here is a big joke book from Bonesye that just so happens to be played in gold because I know your people like things like that.

Smithy, ladies and gentlemen, of course he caught it. Take now. A black man has never dropped a joke book in the history of the show. 13 years running. They don't know how to not catch things, including HIV. Now, your next bucket pool will jump up. That's so stupid. Goes by the name.

Make some noise for Chris Martinez, everybody. Your first, what appears to be Houston True Latino of the night. There he is. Hell yeah. Sorry for spilling that drink on you, by the way. That was rude of me. Appreciate you guys. Yeah, I'm not retarded, but I spent $15 for rocks.

Anybody have that problem? I don't know. I'm starting to think that Cam Patterson sold out, you know. He jumped off the Kiltonia Show, went straight to SNL, and all of a sudden he's selling rocks for $15. It's like they were promised to him 3,000 years ago. I remember, am I right? All right, all right, well, enough about the Jews.

Let's talk about Corpus. Christy, Texas is where I'm from. Donald Trump was just there yesterday. Everybody gave a hand for Donald Trump. The greatest president to ever live. You see this beautiful bridge. I built that bridge. My administration, we built it in 2017.

Sleepy Joe Biden. Sleepy Joe Biden. He cut the port. He cut the funding. And then we brought it back in 2020. You can boo all you want, but he's the greatest president. Am I right, Tony? Am I right?

Let's not get too political though. Okay, you went over his time there, Chris. I'm gonna stop you. He's the only president right now. There's only one. So you spent the first 10 seconds apologizing to a group of people that you spilled a drink on that no one would have ever known about. Yeah.

And then you took shots at one of the most beloved humans in the history of the show, a person that these people all watch, do a new minute and an interview every single week. You don't like him? Is that the implication? No, I love... I bought his rocks for 15 bucks. You know, you got to... I gotta love them. Is that true?

I'm confused. Is this like an online store or something? No, it was actually at the Austin show. The Austin, the New Year's Eve show. Okay. Yeah, $15. They told me they might be signed, so I fell for it, I guess. Dumbass.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand. All right, so you made a deal about that. No one knew what you were talking about when you said that. And then you went on to do a bad impression of the current president in which you just said things that he's actually said before. There was no comedy added to it or anything like that.

Yeah. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Twice at the little pizza shop in Corpus Christi. Okay. We know about that little pizza shop. Brick City or something? What's it called? Mesquite Street. Mesquite Street, that's right. Okay. Chris, before I get you out of here, because you did nothing here tonight.

Somehow, you're the only true Mexican that's been pulled and you did less work than anybody. Shout out. Shout out to you. Okay. All right. I fucking love you, Adam Ray. You're the best. Okay. I love you too, player.

I thought we deported all you guys. What's going on? And that's your Topo Chico, joke of the night. All right. No one knows how to bring the room to a halt like you do. It's incredible. I love it. Chris, before I get you out of here,

give me one redeeming quality about you that'll make all these people fall in love with you because right now you've wasted three minutes of time. I'm just going to lean into the hate. I'm a doodador solar rep. I'm knocking your door for someone. Solo. Yeah.

There's no sense. It's okay. We're going to keep it moving along. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Chris Martinez, everybody. He caught it. Got to give him that.

Got it. There you go. There he goes. A strange eye contact and pointed at him, Ray, as he walks up. I don't think I find a fan of my dance moves. He's like, I didn't know you can move like that. That made me miss my mom.

I don't know. That was sad. Sometimes I just keep it moving along. Sometimes I think there might be an interview. Trust your in a stake stone. Sometimes I just keep it flying. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Clay McLaren, everybody. Clay McLaren, here we go.

There comes Clay McLaren, everybody. There we go. Everyone, how's it going tonight? Well, I'm probably going to suck harder than that other guy, but I'm going to do my best. So I had my first sexual interaction with a female-to-male transgender person. What sucked is that her clit was bigger than my dick. Also, I went and met some dude named, I don't know, like Dr. Phil or something a while back.

I gave him a hand job at Buckees. Also, I work at a comedy club. and I give many hand jobs there. The best part about it is that I get to eat all the cum. What the fuck? That was the punchline that you held your hand up and made us all wait for? Just hand jobs, hand jobs, jerked off this guy, jerked up that guy,

thank you, good night. You work at a comedy club? What do you do at the comedy club? I'm in event staffing. This must be the worst comedy club in the world. Where's this comedy club at? It's in Houston. What's it called?

Punchline Houston. Wow. Can you do event staffing? Yes, sir. Okay. You're adorable. I think you're funnier than what you did on stage tonight. So let's talk about it. I just want real answers out of you. Okay, Clay? Yeah, of course. How old are you? I am 30. 30. When you wake up in the morning, truly, without trying to be funny, take us through your routine. What's the very first thing you do? Do you lay in bed for a little bit? Do you get out of bed immediately? What do you do? Take a drink of alcohol. I couldn't hear you because of the last.

sound effect that happened because my partner here is just so good at his job go ahead thank you red band go ahead what's the first thing you do uh take a drink you take a drink alcohol yeah you drink alcohol while still in bed yeah even though i just got out of rehab a while back okay perfect i fell off the wagon okay oh my okay yeah okay okay so who were you in rehab for alcohol? What's that? Were you in rehab for alcohol only? Yeah.

Okay. That was a lie. Yeah, yeah, I had to hesitate. Let's talk about this drinking problem of yours. You're 30? Yes. And so, take us through a day of how much you drink? Before I went to rehab, it was at least half a gallon a day.

Half a gallon of vodka? Yes. Wow. Amazing. How did it get to that point? When did you start drinking? 21 or before? Before. Okay. How young were you? 19, maybe 20. And were you drinking by yourself back then?

No. You were drinking with friends. Yes. And then when did you start drinking by yourself in the morning like that? Around 25. 25. What happened at 25 that made you start doing that a little bit of heartbreak or something? Yeah, I had some tumultuous relationships. Okay. All right.

When you say tumultuous, what exactly do you mean? I was supposed to get married and then I didn't. Yeah, thank you. Why didn't you? She walked out on you? No, I left her. What made you leave her? Hold on, everybody.

Shut up with your fucking angry booze. Shut up. This is why the Astros can't win a World Series. You f***, stop your booing. You fucking Houston. We like that. laugh about you all the time and meanwhile you're only two and a half hours away from us and we think you're sad. Shut up. The Rockets suck. The Astros suck. Yeah. He'll turn hinge clip. Fuck you. I'm interested in this guy's story.

For the record, Hakeem is my favorite player of all time. He's a man. Yeah, I'm kidding. I like you guys. But go ahead. Oh, no. She wanted kids. I wasn't financially stated. so I thought that it would be inappropriate to bring a kid into the world without being able to take care of it. Right. Man, what did she do for work?

She didn't do Jack Lot about nothing. She didn't work at all? No, fuck no. Meanwhile, she wanted a kid and you're doing events staffing at a comedy club that barely has any events. Yes, sir. All right, so that's rough.

Can I ask the cum punch line when you said, we were all, like, it was, you know, you had, you came out with good energy, right? you came out, people were cheering, they were rooting for you. They wanted you to succeed. And then you built up and you had this formula of like, I did this and I jerked out the thing.

But the best part about it is, and then you said, I eat the cum, and that felt more like a confession than a punchline. So did you have other alternative punchlines like that you were deciding between, or did you just think that just off the top of my head? Yeah, eating cum, you just were like, they'll love that. Yeah, I eat cum regularly. Say it again? When you say you eat cum regularly, what exactly do you?

mean? I mean, it's not like a recreational thing, but... Answer the question, what do you mean when you say you eat cum? It's a very simple question. You said it. I'm asking you what you mean. Sometimes it shoots on my face. Hold on, sir, I got this.

What the fuck? Yeah. I mean, I'm... So you're gay sometimes? Uh, yeah. Okay. Are you, you consider yourself by? No.

You're just gay. No, straight. You're straight, but guys should come on your face sometimes. Fuck yeah. Okay, I'm gonna get you outta here. This is, Hey, D-Madness did it. Okay, very good, there you go, buddy.

There you go, yep, another drop. What is this? What is this? The Astros in the World Series? What are all these drops happening here tonight? Look how mad this fucking . That's good. I love it.

Your middle finger does nothing. You guys all have tiny. middle fingers in this shit whole city look at all the tiny Houston middle fingers you know that's a thing in the water here makes your middle fingers go small it's a Houston thing look how tiny they are they all look like little pinkies oh fuck you up from Houston yes from Ohio very good the home of world leaders and whatnot yes light all right we still haven't found how's my favorite the upper deck doing up there.

Oh, yeah. That's where the real winners are tonight. I'm telling you, I'm in love with the upper deck. There's a lot of sore losers with extra money down here. A bunch of spoiled kids that inherited it from their oil mining fathers. The real workers are up there. How about one more time for the upper deck, huh? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You hear that? Look at the chaos up there. Look at these guys. These people fucking get it. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Jasmine Flowers. I noticed, everyone, Jasmine Flowers.

I noticed patterns for a living, and I noticed something, the Amish, they used to be elusive, but now they're everywhere. TLC, HBO, I don't even have cable, but I see them every day. I'm starting to think that maybe there's a scam going on here. I'm not sure. I'm at that age now where everything I think is a scam, but...

You know, they pretend they can't have cell phones, but then that's scamming 101. Oh, my camera doesn't work. But anyway, so I feel like they had a meeting sometime. They had, they said, there was no electricity candle. Let's build Barnes turn butter. and confused the hell out of the society. That's what it's like, basically. And I know one person at meeting said,

this could have been an email. But anyway, I'm just saying, check the barns for Wi-Fi. This has really changed. Anyway, I try to- All right, Jasmine. That's overtime right there. I love it.

Jasmine, welcome. Keep that microphone. I'm going to do an interview here because I love Medea does kill Tony. This is incredible. How long you've been trying stand-up? About 90 seconds. 90 seconds.

Perfect. What made you want to start here tonight? Saturday didn't have anything else to do. Let me drive out there and see what's happening. I love it. But you watch the show sometimes. You know what it is. Yes, yes.

So you tried it. You said that these Amish people are, they're coming out of nowhere. There's a lot of them nowadays. Yeah. They used to be elusive. You never knew an Amish person. I didn't know about Amish people, but now they're everywhere and everything.

And they're supposed to be kind of against technology, but I just thought that was different. Yeah. Jasmine, what do you do for work? I'm an accountant. You're an accountant? Yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. What type of accounting are you doing?

Corporate accounting. Wow. It's fun, really. I love it. And you live here in Houston, Texas. I do, I do live in Houston. I love it. What part of Houston do you live in?

I live in the Westbury area near Myerland, if people know where that is. In the city, Houston proper. What are some of your favorite things to do here in Houston? You ever go to the Turkey Hut? I've never been to the Turkey Hut, but I've had turkey legs at the Renaissance Festival. I like that. Ooh, the Renaissance Festival. I didn't know black people went to Renaissance festivals.

Me and my friends, a couple of us. You guys probably really stand out at that Renaissance Festival. No, we don't. Blach Smith. Red pan. Okay. Chasmine, you have a family? Yes, I do.

I have two kids. I love it. How old are they? 23 and 21. Okay, you did it. This is finished. Heck yeah. What are they up to?

Boys or girls? I have a son that's a Texas Tech. This is his last year, mechanical engineering. Nice. I have a daughter that lives in Milwaukee. She's a dog groomer. Oh, nice. Yeah.

Heck yeah. I love it. And Jasmine, what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I walk a dog. I like the garden. Hang out with my friends. I like the garden.

We're going fishing next month. Okay. All right. So the kids are all grown up. You still have a man? No. Okay. I don't have a man.

When's the last time you were with a man? I've been divorced for probably about 10 years. Uh-huh. But do you go on dates or anything? Have you been getting, you know, the old, uh... No, not really. Maybe, you know, I'm just enjoying doing stuff. Kim wants to know when your last kiss was.

My last kiss? Maybe two years, three years. Really? It's been that long. Oh, God. She's such a beautiful lady. I'm enjoying it. I'm happy. I mean...

She's such a beautiful lady. beautiful lady. Is there a guy out there that wants to give Jasmine a big smooch, huh? Be part of Hilltony history. You gotta make it a good one if I bring you up here. Who do you think it is? Who's really gonna go for it? Blue shirt right there, you think?

You need water, have anybody's water you want. You got it. All right, who's gonna do this? Are you gonna do it? Pick one, Jasmine, I'll let you pick. In the words of Uncle Laser, who's gonna make that pussy fine? Oh my God, this guy. Guy with the white beard?

Let's get January 7th over here. Jeff, do you have a preference? You have to be over 50. You have to be over 50? Yeah, that guy with the, the guy with the beard can do it. But how about the guy of the cowboy hat? Cowboy hat. Cowboy hat.

Where is it? The guy with the beard, no. Jack, we'll let you pick, right? That guy with the white beard is going to do it, ladies and gentlemen. You're about to watch history. Oh my God, here in Houston, Texas. Here we go. Powerful black woman.

Kiss a man that looks like he fought for the South in the Civil War. Watch your steps, sir. Please don't trip over cords. Ladies and gentlemen, what an amazing thing. Oh, my God, wow. Incredible. Wow. Thank you.

Look at that. Not the first time this guy's freed the slaves. Look at this fucking guy. Holy shit. This is what comes out of the game when you roll double six. in Jammaji. Watch your step, sir. Watch your stuff.

Jasmine, how did that feel? You squirt? I forgot. I forgot already. I can't remember. I love it. She's mesmerized. All right, Jasmine.

Thank you so much. There she goes. Jasmine flowers, everybody. She's a sweetheart. Guys are out here booing during sets. These guys are relentless here in Houston. All right.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, Gentlemen, your next comedian is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An absolute force of nature that you know, that you love. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Sing it if you know the words, because I present to you the one and only. This is Hans Kemp. Don't worry. I speak English.

This isn't the Super Bowl halftime show. If I wanted to hear a bunch of Spanish, I go to a kitchen, a chili. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America. What's the point of having all these bombs if I have to learn? I do think it's fucked up that a lot of Mexicans are getting deported.

I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is the least efficient way to do that. I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, give me your money. It's usually some form of ebonics. The language of robberies. Yeah, I recently saw a black guy gardening.

I was like, dude, you don't have to do that anymore. You can do larceny and retail theft as well now. I am working out right now. You know, I don't have to be stronger than a black guy. I just have to last long enough till the cops get there. All right, well, that's my time. Thank you guys so much. Hans Ken again. Wow.

How about the reception from that crowd just upon arrival? I know. Thank you. Thank you. Hansi Boy Kim, live in Houston, Texas. How does Houston make you feel? How do you feel about all this? Oh, it's great.

It's a big Texas city. A lot of anger can be unleashed upon me. So I, yes, trying to stay on the good side of Houston, lots of different types of, you know, Republicans and Democrats here to piss off. It's just a lot of, a lot of people here. A lot of different kinds of people. Yeah.

Love. Lots of love. Absolutely. Have you been to Houston before? Yes. I actually double-teamed a female here. Whoa. Let's cut to a clip. No, still don't have it. Still don't have it. Still don't have it. My goodness. This was a fan? Yeah, she was pretty enthusiastic. Who did you double-team her with? A wonderful, awesome comic that I don't think I should name. Right, but a buddy. Yeah. Okay. Not like a... you know, Brian Redband or something. Right, it definitely wasn't Brian Reddb. You'd have to be able to get hard to have sex with a woman.

Just kidding. This reminds me, Pluto, the official sponsor of Kiltoni. Wow, tell us what it was like double teaming. Which hole did you pick? Well, I actually, she was like bonded with me, which is pretty cool. So I actually had sex with her before my friend got there. So I already came inside of her vagina.

of her vagina and then... Thank you for that. I was about to ask where? I mean, that's important. Let me ask you, did she tell you she was on the pill or something? Like, what made you come inside of her? Did you just do that? I just felt very open to the idea of that. Wow.

That's not going to hold up in court, by the way. It was a long time ago. But yeah, it was all legal. Jesus. She, yeah, so I already came and then my friend came and she's like, I always wanted to do this thing Roast pig or stuck pig. I talked about this before But then I actually took the mouth area and he took the vagina and I really wasn't as hard as I could have been and failed

Yeah, she wasn't really a roast pig more like now let me ask you just go boh. Let me ask you this Shish kebab. Wow Corn dog. Okay. We got it. We get it. Yeah. You don't need to keep naming.

Yeah. Yeah. So your soft penis was in her mouth and your buddy was fucking the hole that you had already nutted inside of. Did you tell your friend that you came inside of her? Oh, I don't think I did. So there's a chance that your buddy is going to find out from watching this show. Yeah.

He looked up with a chick with you. Uh, he was fucking your come. Yeah. I lubed him up. I love that he still looks at. Hans has just enough autism to look, to think of it like you're, you helped him out a little bit. Amazing.

If she gets pregnant, who's gonna claim the baby? I mean, he was white and I'm Asian, so if it's smart, then it's mine. That's a good point. Let's see how he does on the SATs before. How did after work? Like right after you guys came, did you just keep hanging out or? Yeah, we crashed. He took the couch.

I took the bed a little bit. And then we left. We drove back to Austin. You said you crashed. Does that mean that you drove immediately out? Cool. Cool way to see. I keep imagining Hans trying to do an Eiffel Tower, but his dick is soft or her face keeps falling.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't get hard again. This is my Hans' impression. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so soft. Oh, I'm so soft. Is there anything that you try to think of or do when you're trying to get hard? Yes. Okay, go ahead.

Always the most honest answers. If you look at the history of the show, no one has better answers to my questions than Hanska. Totally. Always. before I'm even done answering the question. Yes, Tony, yes, actually I don't. Honest Hans should be the name of your special.

Honest Hans. I think a lot of tickling stuff helps me a lot. What about? It's fucking gross. Why is it gross? No, Hans being tickled is disturbed. I'm not getting tickled, I'm tickling. Ah!

I'm the tickler, Kim. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, somehow it is disgusting. I'm starting to agree with Kim. I thought you were getting tickled, which is just fucking weird. But now that I'm finding out that you're doing the tickling,

and that makes you hard, what is it about tickling a girl that makes you hard? Great question, Tony. When she squirms. Yeah, the part where she's like, no, no, please don't. Yeah, that's most of my relationships with women,

so it seems accurate. It seems to period accurate. Let me ask you this. I asked you what it takes, what you think about to make you hard. Here's a question I've never asked you before. Is there something that you think of when you're about to come too fast? And you think of that to try to stop yourself from being so overly excited. Hans Kim.

I usually try to think of the woman that I'm making love with and what she would want. And I'm like, she would want me to come now. We'll be right back. I feel like taking a break. Wait, Hans, do you and the guy chit chat during the... Do... All right, I don't know what I'm trying to ask. But you guys, I mean, is there...

You know, there's dirty talk, right? But if he starts to talk, do you go... Oh, sorry. Yeah, you go ahead. Yeah, I think there was a moment where we did, like... We did that exact thing. I forget, like, why. But, yeah, I think we made, like, hey, you can take the bottom. I'll take the top.

And then it was just like, yeah, she was like making noises. She did it with me, which was kind of concerning. Oh, no. Were her noises better with you than with him? Like, did you get, do you take it personal? Yes. He was getting better noises. Amazing.

Were you guys, like, talking or, like, looking at each other? No, he wasn't trying to look at my, I was. You like, can you sign me up for the mic later? I was looking at his dick You were? Yes How was he not looking at you If you were looking at him?

He was just like head down, task at hand He was a very Yeah And your dick was like Boba T over there like in the mouth Yeah it was like Boba Tee It's chewy tapio Oh God

Oh my God Okay Okay was he a white guy or a black guy? White man Okay right By the way I don't think any girl's ever been like Yeah, Hans, give me that chewy dick. Wow.

My goodness, Hans. You are amazing. Anything else you want to tell the beautiful people of Houston, Texas? I bought a van for $13,000. That doesn't work. I wasted $13,000. I love your city. Wait.

What do you mean you bought a van? I bought a sprinter van thinking I could make it a van life van, even though I already have a van. I just bought a stupid van for no reason. What made you do that? I was looking at my old van. I'm like, this van sucks. Let me, and then, you know, one of my friends was like,

you should just get a new van. So I just got a new van, but it was a shitty, shittier version of the van. What if this is what he and me and the other guy were talking about, well, they were double teaming me and the girl? I bought a second van, did I tell you? Oh, sorry, tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-too. Cooch-ch-choo.

Wow, so one could call you Fonz Kim. Yeah, the van. I have the van's logo as my logo. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a hell of a show. This is your final bucket pool of the night. How about one more time for Heidi and Val, everybody? You can check out their podcast. Love on the line at Heidi Regina.com. Follow the band on social media.

Follow Adam Ray. He's on the U.S. Me tour going to Vegas at the win and everywhere else. Adam Raycomedy.com, Kim Congdon. com and follow her at Kim Congdon, C-O-N-G-D-O. All right, your final bucket bowl of the night goes by the name of Devin Callahan, everybody. One last Houston bucket pool. All right. How you guys doing?

Yeah, I'm Devin Callahan. Callahan like Dirty Harry. Yeah, I see your face confused. He's like, I remember Dirty Harry. He wasn't this dirty. What the fuck's wrong with you? So, yeah, so I figured out, not to bring it down, and I talk about death, I figured out the afterlife. I got it.

There's two types of ghosts. One ghost, full-body guy standing under a light. Hey, it's my grandfather probably smoking a cigarette, head to toe. It's a ghost. second goes, you just get like a little haunting thing and it's just like no legs and nothing, just feet up, like feet gone, knees up, and they're just running around like, ooh. Their second type, those are the motherfuckers they die of diabetes. Yes.

So it turns out in the afterlife, you don't get your feet back. It's like a punishment. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. I need some friends. I need some new friends. I was chilling with my homies, and we were on a road trip, and I was like, hey, man, I'm getting kind of tired.

Let's pull into somewhere. And I saw a hotel, L-A-Q-U-I-N-T-A. And I told my homies, hey, let's stay at La Quinta. Right? And they started laughing. They were like, ah, this fool crazy. It's La Quinta, foe. It's La Quinta. Okay. Was that the end of the joke? No.

Okay, finish it. And so I was telling you. No, La Quinta is the chick that works at the front desk. But the establishment is Lakinta, right? Like, so. Absolutely. Devin Callahan making his Kill-Toney debut, right? Yes.

You live here in Houston? Port Arthur and Bea. Oh, look at that. All right. Can you say the N-word there? Yeah, but no, no, I don't want to, though. We're nice. We're nice people. You don't have to.

Yeah. Okay, Devin, what do you do for work? I play piano, I play keys. You're a professional piano player? Yeah, yeah. How long you've been on that for? Like 20, 20 years. 20 years?

Yeah, I'm alright, I'm right, I'm right. Really? Yeah. That's amazing. I don't think we've ever had an actual piano player on the show before. You guys want to hear him play a piano? Fuck yeah. John D's, the band leader, normally doesn't share his piano with anybody's.

with anybody. He's a tough cookie. He's old school. A lot of musicians don't like sharing their instruments. And I know how it is, bro. And he knows how it is. But now that he said, oh, see, all he had to say, all he had to say was, I know how it is, I get it. And then look, he broke John Dease's little heart. Here he is. Lady, look at this. Look at this. A couple cousins, just given handshake. Oh, yeah, don't play anything copyrighted. It's got to just be kind of like your own, like, original jam. John Dez? This is my uncle. Oh shit.

All right. Uncle Devon in the motherfucking hizzy-housy won't say the N-word because that's not nice. See, that's how I think they should all be. Oh my God. Hans was listening to during his double team. Keep going, keep going. I'm going to sing

a little song. When I'm in Houston, my favorite kind of pub is gastro. I cheat. Like I'm an astro Keep playing keep fucking playing dumb ass keep playing Oh Ooh my finger in an electrical sock

He played fucking music In an electrical socket More shocking than a wind From the Houston Rockets There's traffic All over this shit hole town And there's no real live entertainment to be found to be found.

Because all the artists move to Austin. Or even Boston. Or anywhere to get lost in. Because art doesn't exist in Houston. But you can wash it down with some aquafina. There's some left from Hurricane Katrina. Stupid. Stupid.

How about one more time for Devin Callahan. on the keys. Shout out. I'm riffing. I'm just goofing around. Me and Adam used to play with the great Jeff Scott at the comedy store.

We were the only two guys that used to rip with them, rest in peace. We lost him during the pandemic because he got COVID and AIDS at the same time. All right. Devin, anything else crazy

we should know about you before you go? What's the biggest white lady you ever impregnated? I hadn't had a chance yet. So. I don't know if you saw Jasmine flowers earlier, but there's a black woman that makes no sense whatsoever when she talks that really needs to be dicked down. Oh, I met her. I saw her. Yeah.

Nah, I'm a-ma. I'm okay. Welcome to another episode of, nah, with Devin Kat. Is there a white lady that wants to be impregnated right now? The guy just hit his wife. Devin, thank you so much. There he goes. Callahan. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. There he goes, Devin Callahan. He just realized who I was, everybody. Hey, wait, you're the Puerto Rico guy. There's a joke book. See you later. Ladies and gentlemen,

like I said, Saturday nights are hard on this show. We have created so many superstars that a lot of them were booked tonight in their own sold-out shows around the world. However, I was able to secure the man who I think is one of the fastest young rising comedians in the world. You see him every week writing and performing a brand new minute. At one point he was recognized as the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. And now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. I present to you the future. This is Dedrick Flynn. Houston is like a big ass Atlanta favorite Houston rapper Pimsy that meant everything to me he said nigger I ain't so much shrimp I got iodine poison now Pimsy is known to live his raps and I'm gonna tell y'all

that ain't shit that nigger research that happened to him that nigger woke up in a hospital and then a doctor was like your blood levels with iodine you're about to die Pempsie He said, is somebody trying to poison me? He said, no, I don't think that. Let me think. Mr. Pimsy, do you ever eat a baller amount of shrimp? He's like, hell yeah. He said, how much shrimp do you eat?

He was like, I don't know about this much. This much money is how much shrimp he eat. I've been chasing that iodine poisoning my whole goddamn life. Thank y'all so much. He said, Al-Ala-ya. That's right. Hell yeah, buddy. How's it going, Dedrick?

Man, them niggas mad at me for getting drunk in New York, story wars. Which is crazy, because what else was, it was 17 degrees, nigga, I got a drink at least to be warm. Yeah. It costs $100, like, to breathe in New York, nigga. I got a drink. I had to take a $130 Uber to get from New Jersey all the way.

Jersey all the way to Brooklyn. Nica, I'm going to drink. I asked, nigga, I was in Long Island. We called out a bad jean. Preach. Keep going. For the love of God, keep going. There's nothing but stairs in New York,

nigger, this shit. I got lost as a motherfucker on the train. I'm going to drink. Be up there, I don't know that shit. It doesn't be hard, but when the nigger drink hard, I'll get upset. If you came from where I came, You be in Paris getting fucked up too.

Goodness gracious. Come on now. Come on. Come on. Unbelievable. Dedrick. Have you been around Houston a lot? No, this is my first time in Houston.

I love y'all. Hell yeah. Houston loves you as well, Dedrick. This is amazing. Would you like to tell the people what you got today on the way here? Yeah, I just got this new Bucky's gold chain because that nigger Matt Rife. It's talking about I ain't how I got to match my teeth.

Nah, yeah, yeah, yeah. These other chains are fake as fuck, though. They're like $30 on Amazon, but they are gold, colored. You know, I have so much Bucky's stuff. It is incredible. I have blankets. I have mugs. I have magnets.

I have so much Bucke's merch that it's incredible. And every time I stop at one, I obtain more. However, I never even know. knew there was a case with gold necklaces in it. They walked me to it when I got in it. I put on my jury just to go to the Buckees, you know what I mean? I don't even know how you found that. It called out to me, Tony.

I went to go buy some Bucky slides at first. And as soon as I touched the slides, it said, you got to match it with a chain. Yeah. Drick Flynn. What's been going on in life, buddy? Other than that. That New York bullshit.

It's no big deal. You gotta remember, only 1.2% of the Kill Tony fan base watches that show. Yeah, but it was nice to me when I was in Brooklyn. You do drink hard though, right? Like, you are a big drinker. Yeah. Yeah. I'm from the South.

Yeah. We make moonshine. Yeah. Y'all make hunch punch out here. It makes me feel good. That's what I call Long Island's a liquor cassero. I'm getting word. You're preaching is going so hard.

in the pain, the Jasmine flowers just had her diabetes cure. Now, I've been cut, I cut back sometimes, because, uh, but that wasn't even really me on the show because I didn't even have my grill, because when I went to go check in my New York hotel, the hold on the car was more than I had on my debit card, so I just left my grills with them, niggas. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this a real story?

Yeah, I didn't, I went wearing grills on Star Wars, so that really wasn't even me for real. That was just Dedrick Flynn. That wasn't a dark storm. You know what I'm saying? You know, you ask for the storm, I bring the storm. You know, I gotta be a tornado sometimes. Tony let me off the leash.

You're the one putting yourself in chains, buddy. Yeah, that makes you. Hilarious. On the last day of Black History Month. We'll be right, Black. We'll be right, Black. We'll be right Black. I love it, Tedrick.

Is there anything else crazy we should know? before we put a ribbon on this damn thing man how you come to huh why you come to why you come to Houston why you're gonna Houston because I fucking love this place and I heard great things and rap songs why would I not want to come to Houston if kill Tony's in Houston I'm in there if Keel Tony's in Dallas I'm in there when Tony's in Austin I'm in there and when kill Tony go back to New York Houston a little fun fact everybody and tickets are not on sale yet but we are coming to on October 17th save the date we are doing a kiltony in Sugarland here at the Smart Financial Center October 17th so you could

put that in your little calendar we're coming back whole different show whole different fucking everything um what else did you guys have a great night tonight. We did too. I know some people tonight are going to be partying out at the Colorado, which is owned by some friends of the Kill Tony family. So there's a little heads up there. And we love you guys. Band play a little music. One more time for Adam Ray, everybody, Adamraycomedy.com. Kim Congdon.com. Make some fucking noise for Kim Congdon, everybody. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everyone. Oh, that's a good one.

Ooh, look at that, a little Miami Vice. They're skinny. I love it. About one more time for our golden ticket winners and regulars Enrique Chaconne, Colin Sledge, Uncle Laser, Young, Hans Kim, and Dedrick Flynn. We love you guys. Red Band.

Guys, I love you, Houston, Houston Laptop, Sherlock's, Laporte, Peckson. Love you so much, guys. We love you. God bless Houston. Texas and God bless the United States of America. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.