KILL TONY - #762 - ARI SHAFFIR + KEVIN RYAN + H. FOLEY

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

Ari Shaffir, Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 03/09/2026 Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/killtony Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Who's ready for the best

A-k-night of their lives? The undisputed number one live podcast in the world is coming to WrestleMania. Tony, Triple H. Have you seen these auditions? Hey! Hey, Tony! Last year, I became the most must hear.

Roaster of all time. It's comedy you're looking for. I don't like to brag. Got to be a part of the show. Let me show you what I can do. Is this thing even on? A priest and a rap out. walks into a part.

I didn't really mean everything I said that night. This is going to be insane. This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony. Saturday, April 18. Tickets on sale now. You are here at the number one live

podcast in the world. This episode's brought you by Shopify and Quo. How are we feeling tonight? You guys excited to be here? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrante. Yes, signor.

You can't call ice with the phones locked up. One more time for Matt Mueling. He's actually an undercover ICE officer. Fun fact, that's why he sits on the other side. And John Dees is on the keys, everybody. He is the band that put this whole band together. And this right here is Dee Madness, Live in the Flesh, everyone.

We have an unbelievable episode ready for you. I mean, I think so. We have no idea what's going to fucking happen. really. But before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to Westjetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at

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Every single week I book this show. This week, no different. Two of the funniest human beings in the world. Most importantly, two masters of podcasting. Two guys that on this show are literally two of my favorites. I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. Please welcome the hosts of the R.U. Garbage Podcast. Two of the best.

It's Kevin Ryan and H. Foley, everybody. Here we go. Kevin motherfucking Ryan. Let's go. History. They are on the Back on the Block tour. Tickets available at RUGarbage.com. Boys, gentlemen, welcome back.

Thanks for fucking having us, Tony. Here we go. And thank you, Austin, for having us. God damn right. You guys have done the show numerous times before. It's always, always the best fucking episodes. This bucket, as you know, is filled with hundreds, hundreds of names.

They're all stacked on top of each. other at a disgusting bar next door. I mean, it is horrible. The conditions are crazy. There have been fights lately. There's people sweating all over each other. They have vodka tonic pitchers for like $3 or something insane. So people are like getting too fucked up. They're trying to make money off these open micers that should not be drinking before the show before the opportunity of a lifetime. If I pull their name out of the bucket, it's simple. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted in front of millions and millions of viewers at home and the hundreds and hundreds in this packed house.

You know, there's 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. It means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which interrupts their set with an extremely loud noise. And then I conduct an interview and try to find out more about them and their insane lives and anything can happen.

The entire thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're gonna start it with a bang tonight, everybody. This guy for the literally, the longest time was the closer of the show. He is the Hall of Fame member with the record for most appearances in the show's history, most interviews in the show's history.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that some people call the Baron of Bluchew, the Sultan of Shopify, the Queen of Quo, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Yoko Ono, the widow of Beatles great John Lennon just revealed she thinks he was gay. I think that explains some of the songs he wrote. Norwegian Wood Roll over Beethoven, Twist and Shout,

this boy has my penis in his mouth. And by the way, are they ever going to make the Fred Flintstone car again? A guy in L.A. died after cutting his own dick off. Redband, what does it feel like not to have a dick? Oh, you use AI? Cool. I used it 20 years ago. It was called Miss Cleo.

Bumbleclot, rude to fly! Y'all may not know this, but Afex Twins' real name is Richard D. James. So when he goes on stage, he says, it's Rick James, bitch. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Wow. Tony, I thought that was going to be a rare Apex Twin when you laughed at. I thought I was going to get you with the Instagram. It's Rick James, bitch, part.

Wow. I got to tell you, Apex Twin. I mean, let's just glance over the topics of this set. Yoko Ono, Fred Flintstone, Miss Cleo, and Rick James. Can anybody guess what fucking year we're in right now? William, what is going on with your writing process? I'll tell you what's going on with my penis right now. That Bluetooth guy gave me one of those things.

told me was fucking candy, dude. I ate a whole one of those new ones, the Viagra with all that other shit in it, yeah. I took one of those earlier tonight. My thing feels pretty good right now, Tony. Yeah, that was a good one over. Michael, that was a drum hit. Say that one more time.

Your thing's feeling what? Tony, my thing's feeling pretty good right now. Ah, no, now it's not feeling good. Oh. Sometimes those drums can sober your little boner up. I know. And also, Tony, before I answer your question, I was in San Diego this past weekend,

and I was do-doing, and I was do-doing, and I get up, and I'm holding my cell phone, and it falls out of my hands, and I think, oh, my God, it's about to fall on all this shit, and I block it out of the way, and it ricochets off the side of the wall, and it goes right into my shit, Tony.

It was horrible. And I had to go on stage 30 minutes before that. I mean, it was horrible. Okay. Let's go one step at a time here. So at the point in which you look down and your phone's in the shit, do you immediately grab it with your bare hand?

Do you grab paper towels? What exactly is the William Montgomery approach? I immediately grab it with my right hand. There's literally shit on the phone. Wow. It was horrible. It's like the 10 second roll kind of. Thank you, Red Band. I don't know why I looked at you.

Yeah, I actually really, I agree with Red Band on that one, Tony. I really agree with it. So what after 10 seconds then? What would you do? Leave it forever. After mozzarella sticks, not shit. Who better to have on the panel than the RU garbage guys that tries to find out if when what is garbagey about people? And here he is.

Literally I go, the Hall of Fame are the biggest deal. He's like, me drop swimming, doo-de-doo. And Tony, I also came with my whole my shirt. I also came with the whole my shirt. Rebby and he just fucked that up, dude. I was just talking to Tony. Then you wanted to... What do you do this, idiot?

It's the beginning of the show, idiot. You do have a hole in your shirt. Many people are wondering exactly how much money would you have to make to not have a hole in your shirt? Can I say that's a polo t-shirt that's been weathered in

with a hole in its shirt? That's fine. Oh, you like it? Yeah, rich guys wear that shit all the time. It's not... Foley also has holes in a shirt. That's what you're trying to say. And they ain't polo.

But Tony, no, I ended up getting my cell phone out of the shit. I ended up just washing my hands. I got a good lather up with the bar of soap I had in there, and I just washed the cell phone with my soapy hands. Let me ask you this. Was there any residue, if you will, in the phone charger port or the sides?

I think it was in the bottom part because I immediately called my father to tell him what happened, and I'm starting to smell this shit. I'm like, oh, my God, it's still in the bottom part. Wow. Hold on, Tony. My thing's feeling good again, man. Oh, shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wow. I'm kidding. Oh, okay. I mean, amazing. Was it like floaters or was it like a pile? Thank you, Red Band. The question everybody wants to know.

Isn't there another sound effect? Go to like a different sound effect board. There you go. All right. That's just disgusting to ask a question. Was it a pile of shit? It was one of those ones that it looked solid, but if you just stirred it around a little bit, it would move around.

We call that. We call that. old oval teen, you know what I mean? The oval teen shit. The hot cocoa mix. Yes, it looked just like that. Was it with marshmallows or without? It was with corn, with yellow corn.

Oh, absolutely. And red peppers. Ooh, red peps. You didn't digest the red peps? I did not. I had fajitas the night before. Ooh, my God. You don't digest red peppers?

I do not. It's kind of an anomaly. Red-headed people do not digest red peppers. Digest every other color, but not. You had San Diego fajitas the night before? No, I just made some of my oven. You made fajitas in your oven? Yes.

Can you take us through the process? Cooking with William Montgomery has never been a segment on this show. Can I get a little fajita music with the horn section over there? And here we go. The recipe is fajitas, and this is William Montgomery's recipe. So you want to get three red peppers, three green peppers, three yellow peppers. You're going to want to cut those buddies up. really nice and tight. You want to really chop those things up. You want to make sure they're clean before you start chopping them up. You want to run them through the water for at least 30 to 45 seconds. Once you got them really clean, you want to start chopping those bad boys up really thinly slice. You want to get some chicken breasts going on the side. You want to really cut those suckers up really small. Like you would imagine in a Mexican restaurant, really get those things going. And then you get some of the pepper stuff. It's a really good pepper you put on there and some...

It's a lot of peppers. And pepper. A lot of peppers already. Oh, my gosh. And then you put them in the oven for 25 minutes and you get it out. They're sizzling. They're wonderful. You get the tortillas going on the eye of the stove, maybe five minutes before they come out of the oven.

Hold on a second. You said red peppers about nine times. You mentioned chicken. Salt pepper. There's no onions in this mix. Yeah, there are some onions in there. I didn't hear onions. Did anybody hear onions?

I forgot to mention. The blue cheese shit's messing with. my brain. So no, my goodness. Be careful driving on Blue Jew. Because it's really messing with my brain right now, Tony. It only affects one of your heads. Wow, there you go. Dead silence. Ladies and gentlemen.

Tony, I actually do want to get very serious here for one second. I swear to God, somebody has made, and I'm going to be honest, at the beginning when all this shit happened with Ukraine and Russia, I'm thinking, okay, maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine. I don't really give a shit, but maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine, whatever. Come to find out, somebody made some

website called William Montgomery Tour.com. I was able to get my little IT person to help me figure out where it's coming from. It's coming from Ukraine, the fucking country of Ukraine. These people are ripping my fucking ass off. So if you get online and try to search for tickets for me, William MontgomeryTor.com comes up. Do not get any tickets off of there because they're stealing your money. It's horrible, Tony.

I'm involved in a cyber warfare game right now. Seriously. That's why I came with my fucking hole in my shirt, Tony. I've been having this really hard time. Go to the website real quick. William MontgomeryTor.com. Redband had to play a son off. noise instead of looking up the website that we're talking about in real time.

We needed that sonar noise because it is a cyber war and what better than a sonar noise? That actually looks really efficient. Oh my God, it's literally better than your website. Yeah, I don't have a website. So it looks like my website. Oh, my God. You have to... Wait on one of the ticket things.

It's all fake links. Like I was thinking, oh, if it's a real ticket link, that's wonderful. If it's to the actual comedy club, but it's not. It goes to stub hub. Yeah, it actually seems. to be actual tickets, William. This person might be helping you. Yeah, it's just these people are selling the tickets.

The Ukrainians are selling the... Well, the Ukrainians are just looking for Webster. Oh, wait, no. Hold on. Tickets are $178 to go see you at the House of Comedy in Bloomington. Are you doing that? My tickets are normally just $100. So that's how I do. It's fake. No, I'm kidding. That's insane. Right. $170.

So, I don't know. I'm sure nobody's obviously buying any of those tickets, but it's still scares. Here's a question. You have holes in your shirt. You are dropping your phone in shit. Have you thought about making your own website for the tickets that you sell every weekend? That one worked, Redband.

That was a funny one, dumbass. I need to, Tony. I need to get somebody. I need to hire somebody to do it. Wow. It almost seems like anybody would do that for you. It almost seems like a fan online would easily do that for you because it's so easy.

But last time I did that, I remember doing, there was a Kill Tony episode where I wear a beekeeper's outfit. And the guy was running my YouTube. He thought I was trying to dress up like the Ku Klux Klan. And he deactivated my YouTube. So I think in regards to working with a fan, Tony, I can't do that again. I mean, I was just throwing that out as an example. You could also hire somebody for 50 fucking bucks to do it, too. Why aren't hire the Ukraine guys?

They seem to be pretty good. I know. I need to somehow get in contact with those people. Let me ask you something, William. Right now, how's that thing feeling? It feeling really good, so day! There he goes, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The show heads the gun.

And now to the bucket we go. Look at this guy. Already going pee, just after one comedian. Look at this fucking pussy with a small bladder right here. Wow, what a homo. He made it nine minutes before having to urinate, everybody. My God. I have to tinkle.

What a tiny, Tiny bladder. Tiny bladder. Oh, yeah. That guy's going to have a rough time peeing right now. Luckily, he'll be sitting down, so. All right, your first bucket bowl of the night goes by the name of Hannah Jane, everybody.

Here we go. Here comes Hannah. Oh, sorry. People take one look at me, and they're not really sure what they're looking at. I actually, I get misgendered. more often than any woman should. And that honestly, it doesn't bother me.

It's usually by the same woman that works at 7-11. And she's trying her best guys. Yeah. It's like stepping on someone's toes, you know? I can't get mad at that. I'm not going to correct her. But if, like, someone ever wanted to be polite and ask me what my pronouns are,

I will slap you in the face to let you know I'm a bitch. And people are shocked when they find out that I date men. It's just not often. I have one rule. They have to be more masculine than me. It's hard to find. I work in carpentry, and I think that's a big reason why I'm still single, because I work with wood all day.

The last thing I want to do is go home and deal with Poplar. And if you don't get it, Poplar is an extremely soft wood. Better be mahogany. Mahogany's black. Thank you. Hell yeah. Hannah Jane. Welcome, welcome.

First time on the show, correct? Very first time. I love it. How long you've been doing stand-up for? Year April 7th. I love it. Where at? Tampa.

Tampa. Hell yeah. You do have an interesting energy about you. Are you the final boss on the video game lesbian? I do give off that, like, gay energy, probably from doing gay shit, but... Um... Gay shit happens, all right? That's true.

That's my bumper sticker on my coffee. Not a lot of people know that, but if you ever see a Corvette that says gay shit happens, that's me. I love it. You had a dad in your life that like... I did. I'm very close with my dad. Yeah, I can tell. See, that's what I'm missing. I was raised by a single mom. That's why I'm a little bitch.

And you are like, what's up? This is what's happened. I'm just wearing my... I would think you had four or five dads in your life. Yeah. The sitcom My Seven Dads. Hell yeah. I can just picture your dad like, you know how to like fix cars, don't you? No. Oh, okay. Wow. What I had in my head. The blue choose still activated here.

Very interesting. What does your dad do for work? He's retired. He was a Navy pilot. Oh, nice. Fuck yeah. He's a real man. Real man. Was he in Iraq or? He served 20 years. Yes, he did. Awesome. Awesome. And you do carpentry.

and do you have a girlfriend or something? No, no, I'm single. You're single? Very single, yeah. Is there a dating app for lesbians? Is there like a scissor or something like that? No, I'm not a lesbian. Oh, you're really not?

No. Oh, okay, cool. Been there, I tried it. You're just, you know. It's a tough-ass woman. Yeah. I love it. Have you ever tried a lesbian experience?

The gayest thing I did. I dated a woman for like two years, but... That's also the fun thing. That's the straightest thing I've ever done. Yeah. I love it. So can you tell us how that ended? What did you learn from two years with a woman?

Oh, he sucked? Yeah. Yeah. Did you live with the woman? I did, yeah. Lesbians tend to, that's a thing. I don't know if you guys know this, a stereotype of lesbians as they move in very quickly.

How long were you, how long did you guys not live together before you lived together if you just had to throw a ballpark out there? Maybe like six months. Six months. Okay, that's pretty long. That's a lifetime in the lesbian world. Yeah. Yeah.

So now you're with men again. Are you sometimes tougher than the men that you're with? I've been on dates, but no, I just, yeah, no. No. I haven't been with men in a long time. Oh. I'll say that, yeah. You guys try.

I really do. Like, I go out like this and you guys are. It is desperate times because I, why, why you're hitting on me is crazy. I feel bad for y'all, dude. Male loneliness epidemic is real, and I'm part of the problem. I love that. You're very funny. I love your deadpan, very real delivery.

You're self-deprecating while also well-enunciated for someone from Tampa, Florida. I didn't grow up there. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you look beautiful. Oh, thank you. You got it. I appreciate that. You're the third hottest carpenter I've ever seen.

I am. You guys, shut up. This is an easy target. Anyway, Tampa, huh? I love it. So tell us more about you, Hannah. You have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy and carpenting?

No, I've been really getting into stand-up. I do like five mics a week in Tampa, which is very difficult. No, there's not... Nobody really does anything anymore, I don't think. What kind of a car do you have or pickup trucker? I drive a Dodge. You do have a what?

I drive a Dodge. A Dodge pickup truck? Yes. God damn it, I fucking nailed it. Look at that. Hit a button for me. I love it. Have you always had a pickup truck?

No, this is my second truck. Subaru was the first one, right? No. It was a little Ford Exploder, is what they call them. I tend to blow up. Tested the theory they do. they blow up, yeah. See, most women don't know that.

Yep. Most women would drive the Ford Explorer, then they're calling for help on the side of the road. She's like, I fucking knew this was going to happen. Yep. These goddamn things, they don't make them like they used to.

Nope. What kind of guys do you usually get attracted to? Like big muscular guys or wimpy finbots? All right, so if you approach me and ask me if I'm a lesbian, no. Oh, really? I need someone that is so confident that they're like,

I'm going to fuck that lesbian. I like that. Hell yeah. Look at that. Give me some lesbian horns over there. Hell yeah. I love it. That's amazing, Hannah.

Amazing. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Do you live alone? No, I'm back home with my dad. Nice. What's the weirdest thing in your guys' fridge if you had to pick it? You have a... Let me guess.

extraordinary amount of barbecue sauce. That's probably, that might be the only condiment, actually, but it's not a lot, you know? It's just normal white amount. Sweet baby raise? Of course, yeah. Absolutely.

Amazing, Hannah. Well, I love it. You're very, very fun. You're very, very different. You're your own thing. For only a year in, you're extraordinary. Here's a big joke book. Thank you.

Way to get the show started. Rocking that Bush Light T-shirt. mean. This is a real woman right here. It's a kind of a woman that'll fuck you and then beat the shit out of you before she leaves. That was awesome. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Bluetooth activated.

The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Check out our podcast, love on the line at Heidiregina.com. All right. This looks like a new name. Let's see. A minute uninterrupted for The Mr. Ziegler. The Mr. Ziegler, everybody. Here we go.

Good morning, Austin. How y'all doing tonight? So I'm into stud pussy. Anybody out there giving up to stud pussy? I've had a dream here recently. I wanted to do a threesome. And I was going to title it, Two Studs and Me. And we're going to quote it, no homo.

Yeah. I've been in the Studs for a long time. Studs, tomboys, all that good shit. It's pussy as pussy as I feel like. As long as it don't look like me and it got tities, Without a dick, I'm pretty cool with that, you know. All right. So, how y'all doing tonight?

Right. All this is the funny-licking staff. Give up for the funny-looking staff, everybody. I think that's all I got. That's my time right now. Okay, 40 seconds from the Mr. Ziegler, everyone. Funny-looking staff. I love that you think were random staff members

just sitting on stage with you. I want to know what he thinks he just walked into. He's just a black dude who was on six, he was like, she, I like pussy, what's good? Yeah. Who the fuck are you weird, motherfuckings? God damn, ain't a lot. He's just in this place.

I like, this pussy, that pussy, Tomboer fucking pussy. Long as this a pussy. That's awesome. You are fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, absolutely incredible. In the male division, the best set of the night so far. Thanks.

So let's talk about it. The Mr. Ziegler, am I saying that right? That's pretty white. Yeah. Yeah, that's German. Pretty white? Yeah, pretty white. Right.

German. White and right. Oh, your name is? Yeah, yeah. Got it. That's it. How long you've been doing stand-up comedy, Mr. Zee? About 15.

15 years. We're at? Here in Austin, Houston, all over Texas. I've been to New York, and that's about it. Nice. 15 years, and you just only did 40 seconds. That's it. Yeah, you know.

I've been out the same for a second. Okay. It just got back. Actually, today, just got back in. Okay. I have 49 questions right now. Come on, give it up. So you've been doing it in 15 years.

What made you take a break? Bad baby mama choices. Okay, let's talk about it. Tell us about that. Don't do it. Okay. Can you get a little more in detail? She was a little too young for me.

How old was she? It's about nine years younger than me. Okay, I'm glad you said more after the number nine. She was about nine years younger than you. This dude does love pussy. That's her. I'm like, geez, ever since the Epstein list came out,

being a pedophile was a new fad. Yeah, but no. I was having bad baby mama shit. My dick wasn't fitting in this bitch. Oh, man. Nine-year-old ass, winy ass, bitch-ass, crying baby-ass pussy. This little girl pussy fucking crazy-ass shit, man.

You should have seen my dick next to this little nine-year-old. Your name must be on there. On the Epstein files, his name's got to be on there. All this young pussy you're talking about. No, I'm kidding. I'm going off of your thing, Mr. Ziegler. I said, tomboy pussy. And he's talking about young pussy.

Well, I mean. No, well, I mean. Did you happen to see the girl that was on before? The stud? Yeah, I just seen her perform while ago. I think I didn't see that? Shit. Shit.

He's like, I like, I like, put him up. Shit, I saw that fucking pussy. It ain't nothing like going out playing basketball with a stud and going back and putting your balls in it. Deep. Oh, my God. Tell you. Oh, you are the man, Mr. Ziegler.

Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. You found your home. This is where you belong. I appreciate it. So what did this bad baby mama do exactly that made you take a break from stand-up comedy? She went crazy on me. But how?

You got I need better answers. I went deep, balls deep. And, you know, my grandfather always told me don't put the whole thing in, and I did. I stirred it deep. Wow. Yeah, it's like I fucked up the beehive nest. It was...

Can't give them the whole thing. The whole thing. Don't do the whole thing. Got to give them just a little bit, fellas. There you go. Just a little bit. So Red Band, you give him the whole thing. I love it. This is incredible. So, can I understand that he's been having sex the whole time he's been away?

Uh-huh. You've been having a lot of? lot of sex. No, I mean sex all the time. Yeah. No. No? I'm scared.

What are you scared of? What scares you mystery? These new bitches. I want a time boy bitch. I want a stud bitch. You need a real tough woman. That's right. Grab that woman.

My goodness. Yeah, exactly. I know where she's going. Don't worry about it. You know her? I mean, this is kind of what she said she's into. I mean, you know. She literally wants a guy.

She says she's part of the problem. I'm just going to fix her problem. Oh my God. Yeah. Someone's getting their Dodge trucks stolen from them tonight. That's what's happening here. I actually have a Dodge truck, so we got something in common. You got a Dodge, too?

She has a Dodge, so we're dodging. Oh. Oh, my God. I love it. If you can't dodge and ram them. Holy shit. Mr. Ziegler, how old are you? 47.

You don't look at day over 63. That's... That's absolutely amazing. amazing. You've had a lot of baby mama bitch problems, dude. You've been putting the whole thing in way too long. You're stressed out. Like a motherfucker. You look like your own daddy. Man, I didn't have

no... As my grandfather, I used to tell myself, don't put my whole dig in a bitch. Don't do that. I can do that. Shit, black does crack. In white sheds. Mr. Ziegler, what have you been doing for work this whole time? How do you make money? I'm a barber.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Okay. And I'm a cook, too. I'm a cook too. I have my own business. You what? I cook. Oh, what do you cook?

Pussy. Okay. I should have known that. And let me guess. You're a barber just for women's pubes? Nah. No. I don't go near that?

Hell now. Nope. I don't like hair down there. That's all I don't. They can deal with that. Nair it off, ladies. Absolutely. Neer.

Nair. I'm not that type of barber. Hell yeah. Wow. Incredible. So, do you exclusively only cut black people's hair? I cut it all. Oh, you pointed at Kevin Ryan. I feel like he's taking a shot at my hair.

I'm saying, let it go. Damn, he's the coolest fucking mean motherfucker I've ever met my love. I said, I'm like, you know what, I should let it go. This could be the night. I mean, we were all there for that episode of Kill Tony, where Mr. Siegler cut Kevin Ryan's hair. I think we do have tremors back there, don't we? Oh, the crowd goes on. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Oh, the lighting guy wants it to happen. I'm kidding my pubes for sure. I ain't going near that motherfucking shit, bitch. Mr. Ziegler, give us another fun fact about your life. You seem like you have a wealth of experience that a great many things. Like the craziest sex you've ever had, because I know you be loving that pussy.

So I gotta know. Was there like a random crazy night, an unbelievable time that you had, an adventure in which? There was a threesome with my baby mama. Uh-huh. The young one, the crazy one. Yeah, nine years younger than you. Yeah, and another one that was nine years younger than.

Oh, same age. Yeah. I left them in the room and they was arguing, so I just, I came back, and y'all done? No, that's all left again. When I came back, they was entangled. They was entangled. Yeah, so I like that.

Like, fuck it. Yep. Gotta throw it all the way in there. Break it in. Break it up, ladies. That's right. Okay. Let me ask you this.

Do you happen to remember what they were arguing about? Me. Do you remember exactly what about you they were arguing? I went all the way in. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. This is one of the craziest interviews.

You know, you can't get this at the Tonight Show. Never was Jay Leno sitting there going, Yeah, we put down the way in? Have we go on the way in? You're going to be in with the pussy's beach. Deep. You're never going to see Jimmy Fallon dancing along to... All right.

Mr. Ziegler, you only did 40 seconds, so I have no choice but to give you a medium, very black joke book because that is just the work you did tonight, my friend. I love it. Mr. Ziegler has entered the Kiltony Universe. Two brand new comedians to start the bucket. Did that guy with a small bladder ever go back to his seat?

Oh, there he is. There he is. How you doing? You good? There you go. All right. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Riley Galvin, everybody. Riley Galvin. Here we go.

Whoever created the phrase, it's not about the size of the dog in the fight. It's about the size of the fight and the dog. Clearly has never gambled on dog fighting. Always bet on the bigger dog. Ventriloquist. Ventriloquist. It sounds like such a thing.

fancier job title than what it is. Like it sounds like they all got together and decided on a ventriloquist because they're too afraid to tell their parents they wanted to fist cabbage patch dolls professionally. Do you guys think ventriloquists are just necrophiliacs with low self-esteem? Like they wanna mess around with lifeless things

but don't have the confidence, you know? Like is Jeffrey Dom or just Jeff Dunham with stage fright? I'm a basketball fan, not like the Utah Jazz. Utah Jazz is funny though. Sounds like a bunch of racist Mormons got together to like for some diversity. No? Like they all got together.

We're like, we need more black people in the state. What do they like? And the one went, basketball and jazz. That's my time. Thank you. Fuck yes. Riley Galvin, welcome, welcome. Thank you.

I love it. Riley, how long do you have before you have to get back to the vape store? I got a shift in 30 minutes. Love it. How long you've been on stand-up comedy? Little under a year. Little over a year.

We're at. Knoxville, Tennessee. Knoxville, Tennessee. Very good. Let me ask you a question because I listened to that set. And I noticed the pronunciation of one of the words I found curious. What do you call a person that has sex with dead people? Necrophiliac.

Okay. The C, that third letter, is important. What I heard, and I'd be interested to hear a replay, It's a shame we don't have instant replay on this episode. It sounded like a hard G to me. And if you say necrophiliac with a G, my friend John Dees, that turns into, can you say it? Okay, John's just looking at me.

Sometimes he likes to put me on the spot there. I mean, we could say it because it's not the N word, but it's very close. A little too close. And I would have loved it. And you repeated it and you just said, oh, it's with a C. I didn't know.

I thought it was with a G. But instead, here we are. Here we are. But now, that's the sound of hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube, rewinding to see if you said it with a G, and I'll bet you anything. It's my legacy. They're replaying it again and again, because I'm pretty sure it was a G.

But you're going through a lot. There's a lot of pressure. This is a big show. Huge. Absolutely huge. What do you do for work, Riley? I'm in school full time. And I work at Little Caesars.

At Little Caesars. Yeah. Oh, my God. Red Band, can you believe? This is a big deal for you. Fucking awesome, man. It's awesome. Thank you.

Wow. He's starstruck. How long have you worked at Little Caesars? Like six months? Okay. Can you tell us a little bit about the perks? A lot of free pizza. Fuck yeah.

That's exactly what I thought you were going to say. Red band's hard as a rock right now. And he's the only one that didn't try the blue chew. I love it. Riley, so what are you going to school for and where are you going to school for and where are you? to school for and where are you going to school? I go to Tennessee Knoxville, UTK, and a journalism

major. Okay, what made you pick journalism? A dying art form? Yeah. Well, I was business and hated it, so I wanted to be gay and write, I guess. Do you have any big plans? Do you have any big goals with the journalism thing? No, I should probably have some, but...

How old are you? I'm 21 years old. 21, wow. What are the 21-year-olds up to nowadays? What are you guys doing for fun? A lot of ketamine. Ah. And tell the people that might not know that are out there in the audience for watching the show. How would you explain ketamine exactly? What goes over in your, what goes, what happens in your brain? You know how horses are pretty crazy?

Ketamine calms them down. So it's, I've actually never done ketamine. So, okay. You're working at Little Caesars, you've done. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you had me convinced. So what are you as a 21-year-old doing for fun out there?

Like going to the movies. Wow. I'm a boring guy, I don't know. You're poor? Boring and poor. Okay. All right, other than the movies. Let's dig deep here.

You're going to college. You're out there on campus. There must be something else fun that you do. You have any hobbies or anything like that? You play the ukulele or anything, perhaps? Play a little guitar. You do? Are you just going off?

Going off of what I said is a funny suggestion? No, it wasn't that funny. It's true. I just started. So I like stopping at the, there's like little sorority tables along like the main walkway a lot of time and they pay you to pie them. And that's why I'm poor.

Cream pie. No, no, I wish Red Band, I wish. Yeah. I like that you called him Red Band. That is the right time to call them Red Band. We wish Red Band. What does that mean pie them? Like you like Venmo like one of the whores $3 to whip cream and throw it in their face.

Oh, okay. Wow. Red Band pays people to throw pies at his face. So this is very exciting. All different thing. Guys, what do you think about Riley, the are you garbage guys? I have one question. The hair, is this a look that you wear with the hat all the time or is the hat just on?

No, I asked the guy backstage front or back, and he said back, and I guess he fucked me. I don't know. No, it's not that. Like, do you always wear the hair down? And wear the hat like that? No, sometimes I do this. The hair's long right now, but I guess usually. The hair is eating your head alive.

Can I ask you, would you be interested in a black barber that we know? Mr. Ziegler, not only will he cut your hair, but I'm pretty sure he'll fuck the living shit out of you. You are the type of tomboy I believe he's looking for. How do you expect to get pussy with a haircut like that? Shee. Shit, shit. Let me put it all the way in and show you what's up.

I fuck him so hard in his ass. He got a pussy now. He grew a fucking pussy, this motherfucker. I made him self-generate a pussy. I'll tell you what, this ain't no Little Caesar. Yeah, about to get the double, double bitch. That 12 inch with motherfucking paparone. That was that barb we were talking about having sex with you.

Yeah. I'm gonna give you the best 40 seconds of your life. seconds of your life, you motherfucking white bitch. All right. Seems like a good kid. Seems like a short kid. Young kid. Yeah, thank you. What made you come to Austin, Texas?

I just came down just to hit some open mics just to get on stage. Knoxville, you know, a smaller scene. Yeah. A lot more opportunity here, just to stage time. Well, you've been doing it one year. You're 21 years old. You're fucking chasing your dreams.

Good for you. Most people go their whole lives, not doing something like this. And, I mean, Mr. Zieg, takes a break every time he gets into an argument with a girl. So congratulations. The set was okay. So here's a medium joke book. You can take that back to Knoxville.

Throw it at a college girl's face or something for three bucks. This podcast is sponsored by Quo. If your team is still operating with a group chat with commitment issues, that's a problem. Nothing kills momentum faster than an opportunity slipping through the cracks because everyone assumed someone else was on it. Eventually, you look at the chaos, sigh, and think, let's fucking Quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled QUO,

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You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store. Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. All right, you guys having fun out there? You get it? Hell yeah. Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. Now, we know this young lady, uh,

former, uh, black hawk helicopter pilot, was a man, and now is a woman. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Ellis, everybody. My name is Joe, and because we're in Texas, I'm legally required to tell you all that I am trans. Don't worry, they took my guns at the door. Yeah. You're safe for now.

I go by Joe, J-O. I used to go by Joe J-O-E. But like most things with transition, you just cut off the parts you don't like. Yeah. Speaking of guns, I actually do love guns. You know, us trannies are always packing something. And it's hard to conceal carry a glock

when you're hiding a cock. Yeah, and I love my guns so much. You know, I really only came out of the... closet to make room for more guns. And because I'm on hormones, people ask me, and they say, is it safe for you to be around so many guns? And the hormones make me emotional sometimes, like a woman on her period.

But not unstable. Like not so unstable, I'd shoot up a Catholic school. Oh, a little dark for the mothership. I asked a priest about that joke, and he said, finish blowing me first. He didn't say that. I'd transition. I'm not a boy anymore. My name's Joe. Thank you. Joe Ellis, everybody.

The second most masculine female we've had on stage tonight in a stunning turn of events. Absolutely incredible. How you doing? Doing great. How are you? Fantastic. How long have you been to stand-up now, Joella?

Since June of last year. June of last year. Not even a year yet. I love it. Amazing. There was parts where it felt like a poem that would be, you rhymed glock and cock. I figured you'd like the cock part.

Oh, look at you. Very funny. It's always weird when a chick with a dick is trying to make fun of you for being gay. It's incredible. It boggles my mind sometimes. The shots that people take. It's like the half-time shot at like an NBA game

where they're like, all right, the pizza delivery guy is going to shoot for $10,000, everybody. Just goes in the stands or whatever. Anyway, all right, Joe Ellis. Tell us what's new in life? What's going on? So much, Tony. This show has changed my life.

Tell us more. So Slate did an article about my appearance here last year and it was covered in the UK Observer. I got to open for Ian Lara at Parks Casino so I did 10 minutes for a national headliner. Nice. So much has happened. The list is endless.

It's just so many great things. I just want to thank you for the opportunity. Absolutely. You know, you've given trans comics more opportunities than I think anyone else. That's true. That is true. Be sure to remember that next time

I get canceled. I have a special coming out soon, and they're going to be coming after me, so I'm going to need you on the front line of defense there. I'll stand in front and protect you, you know? They are going to come after me. You heard it right here. It's happening soon, a couple few months away.

Guys, you guys live in New York City. You have people like this all over the streets. Tell us, the are you garbage guys, what you think about this 7-foot-5 translating? Yeah, very, you have a very, very captivating presence and huge jugs that I can't take my eyes off of.

We're being honest. I'm married to a lady and next. I can care with my partner. I'm in. Let's do it. Fucking hot.

I've noticed this last time you've been on here a little bit more luscious, if you know what I mean. A little more... Yeah. Red band. I've been getting a lot more black guys in my DMs too. I think that means I'm gaining weight. Wow. Mr. Ziegler's head just exploded in the back.

What do you buy? Hey, tomboy. I found my dream tomboy. I'm gonna take this bitch, I'm gonna eat her. What the fuck in that motherfucker? All right, but don't put the whole thing in now. Yeah. Pretty pleased.

Like, I'll play along, but bitch, I'm gonna fall in love with your ass. You put the whole motherfucking. All right. Well, I have been working out to try to lose some weight, because, you know, it's important to, for trans women to stay fit because you have to keep stealing the trophies. I'm going to have to rewind that part. Amazing.

So, Joe, who have you been hooking up? What is your type of person? Well, I've dated a lot of men in Austin, and most recently I started dating a lovely woman here. Okay. Really? Really? So, yeah, I'm with you on that really. Yeah.

We almost jinxed on reallys there. Yeah. You could call it pansexual. I call it I take any sexual. Right, but what does she call it? Like, what happened to her, you think? What type of trauma happened to her where she's like, I need a dick, not a dildo,

but I want the delivery of a woman, but the thrust of a man? Like, what exactly has to molest you? For you to bust a nut with you. Maybe it was a trans person. Maybe, maybe. It's my favorite category of porn, though. A trend woman, fucking a regular woman.

It's way better than looking at a guy, dick. This is true. You get to see two sets of tits. Exactly. It's true. Bonus tits. She says I'm the best of both worlds, though. Amazing.

Amazing. I can still open jars. You know, I'm emotionally available. Amazing. Amazing. I think this is going to last all the way until the inevitable murder suicide that takes place. No, I'm kidding.

Joe Ellis has the best sense of humor. And, you know, you've talked about me giving opportunities, but it's amazing. I think you're doing a lot for the trans community by getting roasted, trying to fire back. It's like amazing to see

you're a real fucking Texas tranny. I just moved here. Congratulations. I love it. Amazing. Joe Ellis, everybody. Thank you so much. Fantastic.

I got to tell you, I have gotten word. I don't even know if it's real. There goes Joe Ellis, everyone. One more time for Joe. I can't believe the news.

that I've gotten. I'm really hoping that this is true. This entire show is improvised and obviously all my friends and amazing, the best comedians in the world know that they can always pop in, pop out, goof around, this and that any time. And I've gotten a word that one of our friends that has been on a

global vacation for what I believe in my head is six months or something like that. Traveling the fucking world is here. He is one of the great comedians in the show's history, one of the great disruptors, one of the real troublemakers. Ladies and gentlemen, if it's real, and I hope it is, I hope it's not a prank, make some fucking noise for Ari Sheffir, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, wow, it's that thing, it's the microphone. I know it's been a while. I haven't seen this any people since Uruguay. Hey, how was everybody doing? This is very odd for me. Thanks. I haven't been around stand-up or anything for about eight months. A little bit nervous. I was traveling through Latin America. I guess I'll tell you an observation. In Latin America,

the hardest thing about fucking a street dog is gaining its trust. Because, sure, anyone could fuck a street dog. But how many people can get it to come back again tomorrow? I went through a lot of South America, you guys. A lot of those countries fucking hate us.

I'll be honest with you. And it was difficult to break the news. to them that most of us don't know where they are on a map. Legitimately, I was in Uruguay and people like, tell Americans we don't want them here. I'm like, no one knows that you guys are not part of Scandinavia, to be honest. I went all over that land. I skipped out of respect for Tony,

Puerto Rico, but everywhere else I went. Thank you guys. Very good to be back, everybody. Ari fucking Shapir is back in America. What a fucking amazing surprise this is. Holy shit. You were all the last people I saw it before I left. Yeah.

This is fucking awesome. Welcome back. Thanks. I love that you didn't warn any of us. I love that you didn't tell us. You're always full of fucking surprises. Your dick is in your pants. This is incredible.

You're a changed man. No, actually, I was watching it before I tried to tuck it, but it wouldn't stay. I was to come out with a tuck. It just wouldn't stay, and I apologize. You do a podcast all about traveling and going around the world. And so, I mean, where did you go? Can you name some of the places? Yeah, I mean, started in Mexico, went south through El Salvador, Guatemala.

Were you, like, driving? Did you rent a car? Buses, like, you know, hanging out with poor people. I'll tell you, one thing I observed that's different now that I noticed that I'm back in Austin, at least the homeless people in those countries have the decency to be ashamed about it. These guys are lounging. Yeah. I saw a dude out there asleep on his stomach. What a leisurely way to be a problem for the world.

I mean, I guess it's good for your back, but there is no give on the concrete. It is incredible. There is a part of 6th Street, where if you're walking from this side of 6th Street west, there's a part where there's a ventilation system that kicks up hot air and multiple people lie down next to each other on this one spot. It's very, very on top of a grate.

And there's people just flying by on bird scooters and shit, like almost hitting them drunk. It's incredible to see. You gotta try to jump them on those birds. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's big points. That's Austin the video game. You get big points by jumping home those people on a bird scooter.

Blu-blip-blip. Blu-blip. Blu-blip. Multiple. Amazing. So that's incredible. And fucking now you're back. What made you come back now? I missed you, Tony.

Yeah. We were really afraid. No, what made you come back is I have a new storytelling show that's coming out. Maybe you were familiar with my old one. Yes. Can't legally say the name, but you can. Right. This is not happening.

Oh, yeah. I'm familiar with it. Yeah. Anyways, coming back and guess who's on it? Skip, skip. Tony Hinchcliff. I'm on it. It is true.

He's on an episode with Big J. O'Kerson, Alisa Deke, and Steph Tolov called Four Stories About Trying to Come. Mm-hmm. And it's available right now. Where's it available at? YMH Studios.com. I love it. Direct to the people.

Fuck YouTube. Fuck Netflix. That's right. Okay. I mean, we like YouTube. YouTube and Netflix. I apologize. Not for this show.

Sorry, sorry. Take that out. Just a reminder. We like YouTube and Netflix. We're going to bleep that. Fuck HBO. Fuck showtime. Fuck showtime.

The movie channel. Yeah. Well, this is so exciting. You're going to hang out? Yeah, I heard there's free drinks. I'll fucking hang at this free drinks. There are free drinks for you. There's a toilet upstairs.

I can flush toilet paper in and brush my teeth with sink water. I'm fucking in. I love it. Let's fucking party. Mix those. for the great Ari Sheffir, ladies and gentlemen. What an unbelievable treat. One of the best comedians in the world.

His specials are on Netflix. Let's have some drinks. Yeah. Let's get another chair up here, and the great Ari Sheffir's gonna join us with a knife. Fuck yeah. And Ari, let's do the squeeze, baby. Come on, slide down.

You can bring that. Perfect. Keep sliding, keep sliding. Keep sliding. Do not make H-fold. He's squeeze in. Don't give me that fucking shit. I love it. I've lost 70 pounds that you've been gone,

you fucking scumbag. Not to mention, he pulls the skip-skip shit. This motherfucker called me two days ago begging me to find him a place to live. I'll tell you, now that I'm close to it, I know there's a homeless guy sleeping on his belly, but I'm thinking about sleeping on this belly tonight. Look at this fucking temperedic right here.

Ain't sleep. You got a lot of balls, Schaffer. I love your back. I love it. One more time for Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, joining the party. Only here on Kill Tony can something so spontaneous and fun happen on a random Monday.

We're going to watch a bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Chad Smith. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Smith. Makes a voice for Chad, everybody. What's going on here, guys? I'm Chad. I am from Ashgosh, Wisconsin. I am here on my birthday.

If you guys don't know where Oshkosh is, that's where Chicago sends all their prisoners. That's right. Thing about turning 40 is more trips to the bathroom. And seeing that doctor visiting that bat cave every year, right? Some of the guys know about that, right? Here's some fun facts about me, right? I didn't learn the birds and the bees growing up. My uncle gave me a playboy, and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby.

that one takes a little bit to sink in. Speaking of Bill, did he still do stand-up in prison or was he the chocolate pudding? That's right. Fun fact about me is I work insurance. There we go. Chad Smith. Welcome. Chad's your first time on the show?

First time on the show. Awesome. When you say that one takes a little bit to sink in, when exactly can we expect that to happen? Is there a week or a month coming up where... Two and three business days? Yeah, we're just going to be out there living our lives and all of a sudden just like, ho-ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Pudin. It was Pudin because he was pudding. He was pudding. Okay, Chad. How long have you been doing stand-up company? I'm doing stand-up. This is two and a half years. Two and a half years.

All of it in Oshkosh. Mixed between Bark Entertainment, which is Skyline Comedy Cafe. And then... Bark entertainment. What? What? So all the way across the Wisconsin. And so everywhere from Wauke

up until Greenback. Got it. Got it. I hate this guy. He has off-duty cop vibes for sure. I don't know why. I just don't like you. Let me see you license is prick.

Ash, gosh. There's nothing much up there. It's just, it's planes. Why don't you have the accent? When you're from the Midwest, you get a mix of Minnesota. So I do say about a lot. and then in the airport you guys laugh at me

because I say bag instead of bag? Some reason I doubt that. I don't think anyone's ever laughed at you. He's too carefully. I don't like this guy. He's up to something. It takes a little bit to sink in. Don't count him out yet. He may be the funniest person in this show's history. We just don't know because it's on a delayed release. I'm going to get home tonight. I'm like, ah!

We all just died tonight. I feel like we're all high in a car and he just pulled us over. Or you're your boy's headed. Yeah, he's chewing gum. You guys been drinking tonight? What are you getting tough guys? No pat down for me. Who?

Well, let me say that joke again. Yeah, do it one more time. The one that takes a while to sink it. All right, so it's spelled out this way. So I never learned the birds and the bees. My uncle gave me a playboy, and I learned how to count back. from Bill Cosby.

Learned how to count backwards. I don't get it. Does everybody get it? Your uncle drugged you and raped you. That's the joke. Right? What? Is that the joke?

No, it takes a little bit. Bill always count backwards when he gave the date raped drug. I know. So did he rape you? You're saying Bill Cosby raped you? No. Oh.

No, that's what his... No. Birds and Bates gave me a playboy. Who did? Your uncle gave you the Playboy, and separately from that. Separate joke. Then Bill Cosby talked you at a company. Yes, yes.

Oh. What? But it still seems like Cosby's raping you in this joke, no? No. Wait, so you weren't raped by your uncle? No. Or Bill Cosby? Damn it!

Have you ever even met Bill Cosby, dude? No, I was. You never seen a Playboy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, how did Bill Cosby teach you how to count backwards then? Well, when you're almost 40 years old, you've seen them on TV every week growing up.

And does he count backwards on TV? Yeah, was there an episode? See, the answer's like that. It doesn't make sense, but you say it so confidently. I don't like this fucking guy. And he's fucking up to something, man. Ari walks in at the same time, there's something fucking going on here.

I don't know if you're with this dude or what, man. Ari brought his travel agent with us. He's Ari's big bit. He's like, dude, just go out and be the most unfunny dude in the aura. It's going to kill. Now, who wants two tickets to Paraguay? Don't show me up. Two tickets

to Paraguay. I've got Can I give this guy a compliment? Yes. Is that meow happening? He was like, and then I also... All right, I'm done. Yeah. Yeah. Luckily, that's how I felt when I heard the meow, too. I kind of wanted him to finish the bit

if I'm being honest with you. Yeah, go ahead. Do that bit that got cut off. This might be, he may have saved all of his power for the closing bit. This might redeem you. This guy's coming in with a bedazzled shirt. He's very excited. This guy literally has plastic on his shirt. Oh, gosh, gosh, yeah. This is a fresh bit, and I'm not going to say who I work for, but let's say I do insurance during the week. And the joke was, I called the Klein up during the day, and she said I was too early. She still had her CPAP machine on. Too early.

As a CPAP wearer, I'm offended. I'm guessing that one's gonna take a little bit too. It's a fresh one, Tony. It's a while, it's a while. Sinking. It's a fresh one. You didn't get in the beginning, it's a fresh one. It's a while.

I'm kinda wanting to get right by Bill Cosby now. Yeah. So when you say that you learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby. Are you saying that, like, it's just made up, it's just a joke. There's no episode, there's nothing. Right. It's part of the Birds and the Bees? It's part of the Birds and Bees.

All right. So when we write jokes at our club, we want to make sure it relates to people like my age. What's the guy? Who's the guy? Who's we? And why are you explaining joke writing to us? Yeah, who's the we?

Hey, jerk golfs, when we're writing jokes that you guys clearly don't know what the fuck you're talking about, let me explain it to you because I'm an insurer in salesman. Well, yeah. Hey, guy, zip it. Well, we're, he's on a different level than I. This Wisconsin, you know, there's these Austin, New York, L.A. arguments, but we are missing the boat here.

Little did we know that the real thunder and lightning is the delayed release that's been that has been conjured up in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. It is incredible. At the Barc Club? What's it called again? Bark Entertainment. Bark Entertainment. Bark Entertainment. Skyline Comedy Club. There you go. Oh, hell yeah. Maryland Comedy Club, Bark Entertainment. Hell yeah.

Okay, well, Chad, can you give us one interesting fun fact about your life before I get you out of here? All right, cool. So I turn 40 on Wednesday. Okay, we know about that. You mentioned that. The first thing that you actually mentioned was that it was your birthday. And now we're finding out that you lied and that it was actually five days ago, which is, I mean. Two more days.

Oh, you turn it on Wednesday. This one. Wow. Oh, okay. Well, all right, so it's something you guys do not know. I'm an ultra runner, so I run 50Ks and above. No, I really hate him. Go fuck yourself.

He's on a roll over there. Bring back the Little Caesar's guy. Let's get some pizza and get some pussy up here. This guy sucks, man. Dickhead, dickhead. Chad, you did your best, man. You did the best, best Oshkosh set. We're waiting for the release.

We're waiting for it to sink in. Thank you so much. There goes Chad Smith, everybody. You know, on an episode in which... My goodness. I mean, Heidi is just a machine. Keeping everyone hydrated. Unbelievable.

There she goes. Perfect. On an episode in which we've been graced with the return of, oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, it's Johnny Football, Johnny Mansell, ladies and gentlemen. This has been a long time coming. I don't know about you guys, but I like the guy from Oshkosh. You've taught me a lot when I've been in Austin about, you know, friendship. Me and you have a good relationship.

I run into the boys every show I come to. We have good vibes. I'm sitting up here tonight watching for probably the 20th, 30th time. You forget about some of your boys, you know? You've taught me about loyalty, all this, and I got a guy that I go eat crawfish with yesterday with you, like we do on occasion. Smoke a couple of six, hang out, you know, meet the boys.

How do you leave Pauly motherfucking shore? Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Let's mix it up a little bit. Johnny Mansell is bringing out Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, wow. No, I didn't want to do it, dude. I just wanted to fucking watch the show, dude.

I didn't want you to bring me into this shit. Sometimes duty calls, my friend, duty calls. Jury duty calls. Make some noise for the legend, Pauley Shore, everybody. This is like the Royal Rumble Kill Tony episode. It's just, I've been... I've been texting you. I haven't been on here since about three months ago with Roseanne.

Yeah. I've been texting you, Ari, welcome back. Nice to see you, my friend. La Chayam, good yuntif, good yuntip to you. The Israelis are bombing Iran. I'm sure you're happy about that. Fucking cock sucker. I'm surprised he didn't go.

So, if Israel really wanted to bomb Iran, they would shoot a Chad Smith at them right now. Oh, I'm turning 40 in a few days. I don't know how I got here. So did you change your number? No. Because why aren't you fucking texting me back, dude? No, but for real, dude, you're worse than fucking Bobby Lee, dude.

I love how you thought he must have changed his number. But no, it's not cool. How long have I known Tony for? For a long time. And, yeah, a long time. Give it up for Tony's beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful, man. And I just, I don't know what happened, dude.

You know what I mean? Why do I sit back during New Year's Eve? And you tell him, I fucking, I might just fucking, I might jump on this motherfucker, dude. You fucking tell him. When you move to Austin and you get this cool and your network expands, he starts getting a big head. You go to Netflix. We're selling out Madison Square Garden. We're doing all that. It gets to your head.

It's like, who do I prioritize the most? Who does he put on the fucking New Year's? You're at the bottom of the totem pole right now, my friend. That's what it's looking like. I think you need to stand up for yourself. Well, you say it, because you said it and that would so make me fucking come down here. Tony, give him more shit.

Be a better friend. No, no, no. Chinese, listen to me. You had fucking Caratop and Rob Schneider. As the bucket pulls, as your fucking golden ticket. They were the co-guests of the year. Yeah, they were the both the guests of the year. Yeah, but they weren't in fucking BioDome, bro.

They weren't in a fucking go. Goofy movie, bro. They weren't leaning to our motherfucking cheese talk. No one gets a fuck about those guys. Stop fucking kissing their ass. Fack, back, fuck the- Polly fucking sure, ladies and gentlemen. Molesting H. Foley of the RU Garbage Podcast.

What's it you? That's incredible. Whee-able. Polly, take it easy on him. Take it easy. That's not just for men confident. Get out of here. Am I in Southern Law 2 now?

No, Red Band had it good. I just dyed my hair brown. It used to be... Dude, I'm lucky I'm alive. Let's give me a fucking break, okay? At least I'm not Mickey Roark. What the fuck? I could pay my rent, okay, asshole.

So I dyed it because, you know, it was getting like this. You should do it until I'll get you just for men at Walgreens, bro. You'll get me the hook up at Walgreens? Yeah. I get you hook. Look up at Walgreens if you want.

But it'll grow back out, great. It'll be good again. Then we can go, Kava Nahlia again. Anyways. Oh, I'm just kidding. It's cool you can have those guys on. But I'd like to be on your next Netflix show so I can do Richard Simmons movie.

Please. Well, I mean, we are doing a, we are doing a Kill Tony WrestleMania crossover episode for Netflix in Las Vegas. It airs on April 20th, 420. How about, you want to do a spot there?

If you want, if you will have me, that'll be fantastic. Can my friend Johnny come? Yeah, Johnny can come. Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! I fucking love it.

I don't know what that third ingredient in the blue chew gold is, but it's bumping right now because I'm pretty sure Johnny football and Polly Shore just walked out on my show. This is fucking incredible. I'm tripping my balls off. No, I love Caratop. I love Rob.

We're just having fun. We have a good time. You know, fuck it, right? Absolutely. We're having a good time. That's what I do, dude. I dust off the old Dusty's Chinese. Chinese.

I like the garbage guys. These guys are awesome too. Hell yeah. Thank you so much. I think you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

I don't know if I call them that. They're not Puerto R.U. Garbage guys. Are you garbage guys? Thank you, Holmes. How about a hand for the great Pauly Shore? And the great. Johnny Mansell. These are my friends.

I had no idea they were coming out tonight. How exciting is this? Oh, man. I'm going to get blackout drunk tonight. Anytime Manzell's around, we fucking do shots of tequila and roll dice all night. He's the best. The funniest thing was watching the 23-year-old girl

when you said Johnny football, and she was like, I don't know who this is. And then I didn't think that look of baffling could get topped, but then when you brought out a 98-year-old Polly Shore. This is like fucking kill Tony Madlin. What the fuck is going on? Right.

Dude, if he kept fucking with Foley, I thought I just got to beat up Pauli Shore on. I'm like, I'm going to have to fuck this old guy up. And I love fucking bio, though. Yeah. I love it. The 23-year-old's like, is that Matt Rife's grandfather? Is that the last remaining golden girl?

Oh my God. sell getting. Dude, we traveled down the road and back again, right? Because we're the golden girls, bro. What's up with you giving carrot top a chance

and not me? A little spoiled baby. A little spoiled baby is, can I be on the Netflix episode, bro? Dude, if I could rewind 19 years and show you me arriving to the comedy store and the

feeling that you feel the first time Polly fucking shore like walks out of the door or something and you're like, oh shit. And now 19 years of grinding, grueling seven days a week, dream, nightmare, passion of your career. And here's Polly going, dude, when are you going to give me a shot, bro? Dude, can you hook it up, dude? The fuck, buddy. Goes to be pals, man. Literally, never let me open for him on the road.

I was starving. Starving my first views. Literally sleeping in my car behind the comedy story. He's like, dude, wake up. Time to get up, bro. You can't be sleeping too late. I'm like, Polly, it's 8 a.m. Please.

I went to bed at 5. Let me sleep. I love how we, of all, you've had 100 people on the show. He only called out Rob Schneider and Karatop. It's true. That's who he thinks are the least talented ones you've had. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, I'm better than those dipships. Yeah. I love it. It's like going up to Tarantino and being like, dude, why'd you go with Trubolta and Pulp Fiction, dude? He was just dancing at the time, dude. You need a real star.

I was in biotomes. Inglorious bastards, babe, huh? Who's this Chris Waltz guy? What's the deal, bro? We have nothing but momentum. It's insanity. Before we get to another golden ticket winner, let's knock out one more bucket pull here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trinity Altamire, everybody. Trinity Altamire. Hello. Yes, okay, my name is Trinity. I was named after the movie The Matrix. Have we seen it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

In that movie, Trinity kind of serves as Neo-Salvation. She's like a foil to God. And I'm just sick and tired of being seen as men's salvation. So, like, last year I was proposed to three times. And I just, I am from Texas. So I want to know what it is about me that says come and take it. Because I'm going to show you fucking come and take it. All right?

Oh, man. I just, it's, I canceled a date for this. I'll have you know. I'll have you know. And I went down by the docks. And so now I got some seawater on me and I smell like fish. What the fuck is new? I don't know.

All right. I'm curious as to what the time is, and I'm nervous, and so I want to say my name again and end it here. You know, I used to introduce myself as the father, the son, and the holy. And you can guess why. Self-care looks like a lot of different things, and I was confronted with an erected penis. I don't know what to do with it.

So I grabbed a hold of it, and I went, Vrom, frum, fron. Pressing on his foot like a clutch. My dad taught me how to try a mistake. Okay, Trinity, Trinity. Let's slow it down here. We're done. We're done.

Hi, Trinity. How are you? How are you? I'm good. I'm stupendous. Okay. How long have you been to stand-up? Since the end of July, so like half a year.

Okay. All right. And you're from Texas? You live here? I moved to Austin in January, but I'm from the 956. I know I sound like I'm from a different valley. Let the people know exactly what the 956 is. Do you know where, like, McAllen, Edinburgh, Brownsville?

Brownsville works. Brownsville? Hey, okay, yeah, okay. Okay. All right. What are you on, Trinity? What's going on? You on some medicine?

Um, unmedicated currently. Yeah, what? Can you rattle it off for us? I'm supposed to be on Lexapro and Vivance. Uh-huh. You're supposed to be. What are you on? Not that.

Okay, what are you on? Just nothing. Nothing. At the moment. Go ahead. When you say you're supposed to be on Lexa Pro and Vibance. I know. I play Kill Tony Roulette, so this really is a special night.

I didn't do anything and I got picked. I know. All right, Dee Madness, really making a spectacle of him leaving right now. I've never seen you face forward that's long. We know we don't like her that much either, Dee. It's okay. Dee's mad because he got fooled by the last chick. Gee.

Ain't get me again. It is true. This is what a feminine female comedian is like, everybody, for those of you that were waiting. Yeah, again, we just confused two of the dumb bitches in the room there. They're like, weh, represent. She's bombing and sucking through the interview. Anyway, Trinity.

So what made you want to start stand-up six months ago? I was arrested for weed. Okay. You were just regular old weed? Regular old THCA. I got arrested, got a misdemeanor, and a felony. and so I said, fuck it, what else am I going to do?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. It was a felony amount of weed that you had? Yeah, it was just a THCA pen. Everybody in the crowd fucking has one. Okay. Shut up, nark. Yeah, what? Okay.

It's legal in Austin. You're safe. You're safe. Fucking caught. But in the 956, it's a felony to have a weed pen? I was in East Texas when they got me. True? Yeah.

If I go to my grocery store and I have a joint in my car, It's right outside of Travis County. I would get a felony for that. How did you know what county it was? Whoa. Red band. I'm confused. No, that's fine.

Did you really get proposed to three times this year? Last year. Last year. How did that happen? Was it the same guy? Which wouldn't take no for an answer. Three times ago. Maybe you didn't hear what I just said.

Will you... Okay, hold on. I'll go down to one knee. I'll try once more. You have nothing and I have a job. Will you fucking marry me? Did he ask you three different times or did your three personalities

just hear the same question at once? It was three different guys all in 2025. One was the end of a relationship in 22, 4 moving into 25, then a fling, then some random, and now I'm a comic. You are, huh? Trinity Altameyer. Very interesting. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

What do you do for work? How do you make money? I oversee political organizing in like three different key states. Sorry. I'm also- I'm also-a-me-shekling. Well, we had to. What party? Who has you working for them? I got to know.

Is this why the Democrats are winning, Texas elections all of a sudden. What's happening? What are you doing out there exactly? Who are you overseeing for? Right now we're working on affordable housing. Well, looks like that's never going to happen, everybody. Time to get to work and start saving up for a house.

Sorry. Okay, what else? I can't wait to hear your platform. Other than affordable housing, what else are you working on? What are your goals politically? Honestly, it's a nonpartisan nonprofit, so we'll support anybody. we'll register anybody to vote. We don't give a shit what you think, what you do.

We just want to get people like support and, you know, shit, dude. People just applauding chaos on those streets. Oh, that sounds good, actually. They'll support anybody. I fucking love supporting anybody. I'm fucking retarded. This is great. I'm completely retarded.

Let's support anybody for any office. It's not like politicians. It's like policies. So we'll go in between, you know, like Ted Cruz and a different Democrat will have like different policies on fucking legalized sex work. And little did you know, Ted Cruz is like, let's legalize sex work. But it's to arrest more pimps. Yeah.

To arrest more. Yeah, little did you know. Little did I know. Welcome to another episode of Little Did I Know. I've learned a lot here with Trinity. Thank you. That's also a very funny phrase in comedy. Little do you know.

We got to bring that back. Nothing. has ever derived from little do you know what you say are you got to bring that back and stand up folks please or ladies and gentlemen little did you know what a good twist little did you know

today's my birthday actually Wednesday little did you know that it takes a little bit for that one to sink in hey you know in Latin America there's a lot of street dogs little you know you can fuck them Is that what you're working on?

All right, lady. I can chill. Whoa. Because you suck. Whoa. Trinity landed like a pro. Like Alexa pro. Wow.

Wow. All right, Trinity. I'm gonna throw this little joke book right in front of us that you can catch it. There you go. It's all right. You can keep it if you want it. If you had your V-V-A-Vance, you would have caught that thing. Ah, and you're so correct.

What? How dare you? Okay, you got it. Did you guys find that little joke book? It's gone, Tony. This guy with the shady haircut pocketed already. It's so awkward, give her another one. Guys get it?

Here's another one. Here you go. Give her another one. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, there she goes Trinity Altamire, ladies and gentlemen. Trinity. All right, now we get to go to this. of this. Okay. All right. Heidi working overtime tonight. We got a well hydrated panel

tonight. Heidi's the best. Make sure you follow her. Heidi Regina. No doubt about it. We have a golden ticket winner, everybody, who this is his first time cashing in. He blew our fucking minds, A veteran of comedy from the country of Turkey doing a brand new minute. His first time cashing in his golden ticket. Make some noise for Orhoun Timor, everybody. Orhoun Timor. It's been really nerve-wrecking back there. Because I'm watching the people go before.

It's like, Open Micah legend. I'm like, can I please be after, I'm gonna buy Trinity all the alcohol or medication she needs. After this, I was like, oh, actually, I know her. I'm like, oh, please suck. I don't give a fuck about your career, please. Anyway, but now comedy. So, I'm 33. I've never gone close to marriage.

I can't look at you when I say this. I have to look at a man. I've never gone close to marriage. You guys can act a little surprise, by the way. I bought a new fucking shirt for this. Fucking act surprise. All right. But the reason.

The reason is because I'm a struggling comic and I really don't want to settle for someone who would settle for me. You know, I, anybody who looks at me and says, yeah, I'll waste my best egg years on him, I'm like, I don't want someone with bad judgment raising my children, you know? Anyway, thank you guys.

Orhoun Timor. Very funny joke. Your Terti Tree? Turkey tree? Turkey tree? Terti tree? Yeah, 33. There you go.

Hell yeah. I'm actually from Connecticut. I just do this accent to be more authentic, you know? Amazing. Ari, this is exciting for you to be next to the guy that we replaced you with when we thought you weren't coming back. It was a while. It was a long time. You weren't responding to texts out there. The texts were turning green. I'm like, I need a... I love you, by the way. If you want, I can touch you. your head and you can go to my country, Turkey, and they'll plug your hair if they see what happened.

Buddy, I am 100% thinking about that. Also, what is going on in the set of Taken 4? What? You got to announce a set of taking 4? It's over. It doesn't matter. Ah. Orhoun Timor. Where did you get that new shirt from exactly? I got it from, can I, am I allowed to plug places? I just asked you.

question you're allowed to say whatever you want okay leopards lounge it's a vintage place okay someone I can buy new clothes too I just like vintage okay you're looking at me like I don't know I like it when somebody already sweated in it and it whatever it's very Turkish of you yes yeah the joke is fantastic tell us more about how life has changed since winning a golden ticket what's going on life in Texas for Orhoun Timor well in Texas it's amazing first of all, I've been getting a lot of opportunities. In general, because I'm Turkish, you know,

it's not always happy. Like, 90% of my country is very like, yay, flags, all that. 10% of my country think I'm a traitor. And four people think I work for Israel. Well, yeah, that's going to happen a lot. Anytime anybody does good or bad at anything. He just proved it, too.

Now I'm fucked. If you make it... You fucked me. Get a screenshot of that and send it back to Istanroll. It's just a thing now. The world is on to the Israelis because of the Internet. So if anybody does anything really... Cut that, please.

If anybody does anything really great, like making it in show business, they assume you're working with the Israelis. And if you assassinate anybody or do anything really bad, they assume you're with the Israelis. Well, that being said, if you look at my tax returns of last year, I think they're short-changing me a little bit over there. Well, they are known for that. Short-changing with the Israelis.

Real. That's the first thing they do. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you if you had to guess? Oh, good question to him. Oh, wow. I am thinking of the answer that will get me in least trouble. No, don't worry about trouble. You're okay. You're next to Ari Shafir.

He's basically there. He's their supreme leader. You touch me, I touch you, we got each other. Okay, cool. You just gave him a high five, or is he calls it a high three and a half? High five. High five. I think I like women who are mean, I think that's the most Jewish thing about me.

Is that a Jewish thing, Ari, women that are mean? Well, the last bitch was. She just flamed me for no reason at the end. Fucking whore, go down yourself. What are the Turks known for? What are some of their stereotypes? Oh, man. It's okay.

You can't look at every answer like you're scared to death of someone assassinating you. Oh, no, no, no. I'm acting like I'm doing that. I'm actually thinking of the funniest thing. I don't give a fuck. I'll say whatever.

I'm in America now. That's right. That's right. You have your green card? You got your green card? Huh? You got your green card? I have my citizenship.

I'm good. Hell yeah. What happened with Ari Maddie? Why can't he do this? Ari decided to go through his own weird lawyer that he found online, and so it's taking a long time. You know the president. I know. He refuses help from everybody and anybody.

Literally, we're friends with... Do you have any connections with the government? Yeah, I know the one in charge. It's the most bizarre thing. We're friends with the entire administration, and literally, he has to give them his case number. And Ari refuses, based on his... own weird Estonian principle. I swear to God this is true for us to help him.

But what's exciting is that much like you coming out and surprising us, his plan is to surprise us with the citizenship that hopefully fucking happens. Because if it doesn't happen soon, they're literally going to ship him back to Estonia. He's going to be one of the most famous deported people ever. You're going to not to say that's his name and someone with a Baba Klob is going to come out and say he's not coming. But I was going to say most people in Turkey have been supported. I gotta say that 90% is very supportive.

Yeah. Americans are very supportive. Yeah. I got my first comedy nudes also. Comedy, nudes. Because I got personal nudes, but now comedy nudes. Dick pics with a microphone? Some dickpicks, some dickpicks too, but I didn't press them.

I didn't press them. How do you know they were dickpicks if you didn't press them? It's because I saw skin color and black hairy thing and I I said I reckon this is a dick, I reckon. So I'm going to go back to stereotypes of Turkish people. What are they known for over there? We're known for eating everything except pork. But every part of a cow, large intestine, testicles.

Well, actually, my father liked testicles a lot with eggs. Really? Yeah, yeah. Just my father. Huh? Nuts and eggs? Yeah, basically, not some eggs. Wow.

We call them life eggs. Does it give you energy or something? What is the part? It actually has absolutely no nutritional value. It's a psychological thing. You're eating the cow's balls, and you're like, I bet now I have... It's a ball.

Power. It's not a cow. I'm almost positive. Have you eaten balls? Yeah, but not from a cow. Well, come with it. You're a legend over there. I'll make you any eggs you want.

I know a stereotype of Turkey. I don't... Listen, I lived in L.A. for a long time, so it's a separate reason from you, but I hate Armenians. Is this true? Moving on. You're afraid to tackle this subject, too?

Do you have a dislike for Armenians? Oh, no. I love Armenians. I love everybody in our region. I grew up in the Armenia town of Turkey. Orhoun's been famous for three weeks and he's the most afraid of getting cancelled out of anybody. This is the wackiest shit. So I love everybody.

In fact, I participate in political party with Trinity Altamira. We do non-profit. We do non-profit. We do many policy. See, the thing is, when I, like, after I lived in America for a while, you realize, like, the Armenians and Turkish people are, like, the same, you know? All the things I don't like about them is exactly. is exactly what I don't like about my people.

That's exactly how us pure Americans feel about both of you. Exactly. Perfect. It's amazing. What about the Greeks? A lot of Turks don't like the Greeks. The Greeks, we took their land. We're not going to fucking give it back because we want it fair and square.

We got a fair conquest by conquest. I just realized I'm touring over there. You guys are ruining me, dude. It's perfect. Amazing, Orhoon. And what do you think is the most amazing? American thing about you, other than the fact that you're wearing the trans flag as a shirt right now. I just realized that's actually 100% true. I forgot that that existed. I accidentally click on pictures sent to me a trans flag. I said I want that in shirt.

Most American thing about me, I guess I came to this land and I had no connection here and I said, This is mine. I think that's the most... Let's go. I love that. Borhoon Timor, ladies and gentlemen, with his first spot and interview since becoming a golden ticket winner.

It can happen to anybody. It can happen at any point, anytime. My God, there are some die-hard Heidi fans in the room. They're going ballistic for Heidi tonight. Is everybody on Blue Choo tonight? All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Nate Hong Kong, everyone. Nate Hong Kong.

I am Nate Hong Kong. Well, I was born and raised in Hong Kong, but I got a big dick, so you can just call me Caucasian. There we go. I have lots of Chinese friends as a result. Or just the one. I can't tell. Yeah.

I actually, I failed my driver's license in Hong Kong. You know how fucking bad you have to be at driving? For a Chinese guy sitting next to you, shit scared to be like, I don't know, ah. I can law in good conscience, sir. You are a low hazard. No. I actually failed because I didn't hit enough of the traffic cones.

What are you doing? You didn't call out of that family a four. All right, that's me. Nate Hong Kong. What a wild show this is tonight. I like it. Nate, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since I was like, well, I did my first set, I think when I was like 18. I'm 29 now. In Hong Kong? You started in Hong Kong? Yeah, I did my first set at takeout.

Yeah, a long time ago. Nice. Amazing. So you lived over there for how long? Yeah, I was born and raised there. And then I spent like a little bit of time in Singapore and then back to Hong Kong. And I was there until 2019.

And then the Hong Kong protests went from like 2013 and 2019. And that I was like a part of those. And then... How'd you guys do on that? The same as every protesting group of all time. All time. Never a victory for the people out on the streets whining about anything. Turns out you need power everyone. It's true, yeah. We did very poorly.

You know, you know, Garan Chu and Tammy Chan? No, I kind of left. Liar! Tommy Wong, Tommy Chong, Tommy Wong. I got this in one ear, that, and the other. So when did you come to America, Nate? Like seven weeks ago. Seven weeks ago?

Yeah, bro. I signed my lease. on 6th Street yesterday so yeah congratulations first time ever in the United States so you went straight from Hong Kong to Austin Texas no I got stuck in during the COVID lockdown in Australia and then

and that made me want to blow my fucking brains out dude yeah that was brutal that was like two years in lockdown maybe if you would a hot pitches that must suck yeah four years ago man yeah yeah it kind of just ended for me recently yeah unfortunately you ever think that you may have been the one that spread

that around I was that yeah Yes. The answer is yes. I, because I, yeah, they, uh, I told everybody when I moved there, I'm like, I've just come from Hong Kong and they were like, uh, right. Yeah, it was funny. Yeah. So you've been in Australia for four years? Uh, yeah, yeah, more or less, and then back to HK for a minute and then back to Oz. HK.

I love it. There we go, there. So you know how to speak Chinese fluently, I'm guessing? I speak like conversational Cantonese. I'm not very good. The first language of Hong Kong is English, so. Can you give us an example of a sentence? an example of a sentence.

Like, I can say, I say, I say, gong, gong, yeah. I'm a little nervous. I guess we all speak Cantonese. Yeah. Can you enunciate that a little bit? Yeah, uh, I see gongongdong, don't wa. Yeah, my mouth is very, what does that mean?

This is I speak Cantonese. What? I speak can't sneeze. Oh, yeah. Oh, you see, I'm not even sure he speaks English after this. Ah, no, no, no, no. I gotta be honest, I don't trust this fucker either. Yeah, dude.

He looks like he's from Dublin. He's like, I'm from Hong Kong. No, it's a good point. I wouldn't trust me either. I think my mom was a spy. I'm almost certain that my mom was an American spy. He drank for sure. Yeah.

While she was pregnant. What makes you think your mom was a spy? I was digging through her personal belongings one time, and I found a picture of her, and then it said spy. Oh, yeah. Your mom's definitely a spy. That's incredible. I don't think you should have brought that up

on one of the biggest shows in the world. True, yeah, sorry, Mom. Love you. You've blown her cover. Should have consolation when she's getting her fingernails pulled out later this week. My son's a comedian.

He's on Kill Tony. Also, what a horrible spy. Who takes a picture of themselves and writes, I'm a spy. This guy's model, that's fucking crazy, dude. No spies. Like, what am I again? Let me just write it down so I don't forget.

I don't think they pull out your fingernails in China. They might paint them and buff them out for it. That's fine. What is your mom, what are your parents do for work in China that they made you, that they made move there? Yeah, my mom was in the Foreign Service and then she got stationed in the unofficial State Department in Taiwan. And your dad hides lucky charms? That's really funny, dude.

That's really funny. Yeah. The answer is yes. Do you know Robin Hood yourself? Yeah, that's really funny. Looks like the fox? Yeah, yeah. What have you been doing for work your whole life?

I worked in hospitality, and then I did some work for a film production company based in Sydney. Okay. You saved up money and moved to Austin, Texas. Yeah, I lived with my parents for a year to save up money to move to Austin, Texas, yeah, seven weeks ago. And what's your plan now that you're in Austin? How are you going to make money here, native Hong Kong? Yeah, I mean, I have an extensive hospitality background. So you're looking for work?

Yeah, yeah, looking for work, yeah, yeah. When you say hospitality background, what exactly do you mean? Bar, yeah, bar. Okay. Do you really mean hospitality? Yeah, there we go. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta-da. The sibe on a six-street?

Yeah. Oh. Actually, it's funny, like in Cantonese, you call people Lobato, like Japanese people, lovato, which is like, turnip head. That's like a good... You're very niche slur. Wow. Very niche. Very niche. My favorite slur of all time comes from Hong Kong.

What's that? Mainlander. True. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. It's all the other Chinese... It's all the other Chinese except for Hong Kong and Taiwan. Ari, Ari, we have Jews in China too. Yeah. They just can't get circumtized because there'd be nothing left. Oh. A Chinese Jewish small penis super remix.

Yeah. That's actually such a, yeah, that's a dirty lie, though. That's a dirty lie. Chinese guys, they have big dicks. I've seen them. Is that true? Yeah, like, I grew up going to gym class and stuff. Like, it's not, it's not like, yeah, they catch a lot of shit,

but it's not all true. I think we just found out that you have an extremely small penis. I'm pretty sure you just accidentally. He's like, my mom's a spy and I got a little dick. Thank you. That's my time. But at least it doesn't take a little bit for that to sink in. At least we know exactly what you're talking about right from the kid.

Four inches is big. The legendary Hong Kong Four. Yeah. Yeah. This guy's, oh, mandingo. He's got the biggest replica on the dick. That's so funny. That's so funny.

Oh, my God. All right, Nate. Well, I like your style, man. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Here's a big joke book coming at you. Bing Bong. There you go. Bing Bong is his travel agent's name, everybody, back in Hong Kong.

A little fun fact for you. Bing Bong. Bing. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Rockout Millie. That's an interesting name. Let's all meet Rock Out Millie together. I go by Rock Out Millie. The first question I get usually is,

And race am I? And I like to represent for half black, half German. Not what I'm saying? Not a lot of us out here, but we're out here. I think it's kind of funny how retarded guys. NBA players both say currency the same way. Money? Uh, see, I was playing on stripping, my bad.

I was playing on stripping when I got out here, so I'm a strip. You feel me? First of all, we fuck with Whitney Houston, Austin? We fucking with Whitney Houston! I got caught in the rain before I came here. This ain't the first time this bitch got wet! It's not the first time! Okay, rock out Millie with his kill-tony debut.

Ari Sheffier. Before we go on, I don't... This is a long time ago. Whitney Houston was a pop star and she died in the bathtub. Second of all, who's asking you what race you are? Even D. Madness knows the answer to that one. That motherfucker, blackest night. He looked like what I've been seeing.

Am I wrong or do you have a little German in you? Am I right? Holy shit. Look at this guy. Are you really half German? Yeah. Really? My mom's German.

She's completely German. Yep, sir. Wow. I don't know my dad, so I assume he's black. Can't even imagine how black he must be. The dominant genes of your black father. I mean, absolutely incredible rockout, Millie. What am I?

You look Jewish. Yeah, you got it. He said, you look Jewish. That's a German in you. That's a German in him. By the way, let me remind you all. Let me remind you. The German in him hates me,

respects me not tipping. Hell yeah, I never tip. Fuck no Do your job, bitch It checks out Yep I'll mention it again Your dad has dominant genes

What's amazing is You're half German And meanwhile We had a black guy on earlier named the Mr. Ziegler And he wasn't half German His last name Ziegler What's up with the black German thing

Do you have an answer for that? Fuck no Where are you people coming from? Shit. He said he doesn't know his dad. Shit. Wow. You might be Mr. Ziegler's son.

Have you ever put your dick fully inside a lady? Or only a little bit? And make him go crazy. Inside of what? Did you ever, do you put your whole... What the fuck's going on? I just fucking answered this guy like I'm on his show. It's incredible.

This is an amazing... Born here or you're born in Germany? Fuck no. I was born in New Jersey. Oh shit. Funny, you are not. Jersey! Wow, all right, he's turning on the crowd, ladies and gentlemen.

He's making a heel turn here. Oh, he wants more of the booze. It's okay. I love a heel turn. We're gonna keep, oh, he got that painted outside of the alleyway, without a doubt. The guy was sleeping on his belly, woke up and painted on his jacket.

This is absolutely amazing. Rockout Millie up here with one very Cotton Glove. That is, is that just, oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen. Who's your wrong, tone? Michael Jackson Glove with a Whitney Houston shirt. We are all hoping he dies soon.

This is incredible. Amazing. Rockout Millie. How old are you? I'm 24. 24. What do you do for work, Millie? Unemployed.

I got an interview tomorrow, though. Okay. Where? Amazing. I got a feeling you're not going to get. Where is this interview at? Whole Foods. Whole Foods.

Oh yeah. Maybe you are. What do you want to do at Whole Foods? It's the seafood department. Okay, well, you already smell like that, so... No, I'm kidding. Millie, what's your living situation? You move here full-time? Yeah, I came here on New Year's.

Okay, you have your own apartment? your own apartment? Homeless at their own 7th Street. Okay, so you're homeless. Yeah, you're doing great for homeless. That's amazing. Most homeless people don't have two gloves. The only bad news is they're both for your right hand. Uh, so that left hand, frostbite, old frostbite milly over here.

So, oh my goodness. Wow. Oh my God. We had Uncle Laser. We've never had a little bit. We've never had cousin laser before. This is incredible. Wow, this guy's got... This is brother, Liza.

Yeah. Amazing. A man of many slight talents. Well, he's pulling something else out. Millie, so how long have you been homeless for? Since New Year's. I came here New Year's Day, and I sat outside the comedy mothership that whole day. Okay.

That's a weird resolution. Wait, no, no, no. I got to a shelter on the 12. Okay. So 12 days. 12 days homeless. 12 days on the streets, the shelter after that. What were you doing in New Jersey before you moved here? I went to New York when I was 13, but I was born in Jersey, and I was a grocery store manager. Okay, you managed a grocery store in New York City? Not, I managed a department.

What department? Dele department. Ooh, now you're looking to make the jump in your seafood at Whole Foods. It's a big leap. Big jump. You didn't have a seafood department. Oh. But you dreamed. Hell yeah, Millie. What else about you? What do you do for fun? Shit, I like the draw. I got this little cartoon I'm working on called Dopecombe. It's going to be out soon. Called what? Dope. Dope. Spel that?

D-O-P-E. C-O-N-E. Dope cone. What's that about? What's the theme of dope-combe? Two stonters. And it's a comedic cartoon. And it's, um, it got some deeper meaning into it, but it's really just, it's just funny. Where can people find it at? Check my Instagram out at Rockout Millie.

Okay, Rockout Millie, M-I-L-Y, everybody. There he goes, Rock Out Millie. Here's a, I'm just going to give it to you because you look like you need it or you could resell it or something. Can I play harmonica? What? Do you think he's good at harmonica?

Oh, no. Not put that all. Don't put that all, Ari, don't do it. Oh, he's going to do it. He's going to do it. It looks clean. Ari, don't do it, man. Oh, you're going to turn German.

Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. You know it. A fearless, fearless legend. Oh, he's got bedbugs. Ain't no party like a bedbug party. I really hope he gets that job. I do too.

Yeah, I hope he doesn't wear that shit to the interview. Yeah. That's actually a great point. Is Millie already gone? Millie already gone? Let's see if he's right there real quick. Send him back out real quick. Because that's a great question, actually.

I just wanted to tell him. Make sure to wear that shit. That's a great point. Real quick, Millie's still here. Millie. Is he there? It's Millie. It's probably back in Jersey.

Is he gone? Okay, he's here. He's here. Here he comes, Millie. Real quick. Just one question. Just come out. Send him out, send him, send him, send him, send him.

Millie. Real quick. Because he brings up a great point. What are you wearing to that interview tomorrow? What are you wearing to your job interview tomorrow? A fucking suit and tie. You have a suit. That's high?

Okay, there he goes. All right, good luck. We're gonna put in a word for you at the Whole Foods. Fifth Street. Come see me. Seafood Department. Fifth Street at the freeway. There he goes.

Seafood Department. You're a kid, you don't want a homeless. All right, we're having fun here tonight. Just had to make sure. Last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for Alex Hurtline, everybody. Alex Hirtline. Fuck yeah, dude.

I'm starting to think all Mexicans are Oklahoma Thunder fans because whenever I ask one for a favor they're always like okay see yeah dude I fucked a celebrity

yeah dude it was a great time until I got kicked out of the wax museum yeah dude the fucking security guard that caught me he was like sir I need you to pull out of Buzz Light you're right now thank you yes let's see here

Everybody measures the height of snow, but never the girth. Very stupid, yes. Oh, thank God, dude. Thank you very much. A great buck and set, Alex. Herndline, welcome, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Second.

You've been on this show before. I remember now that I see that crazy birth mark you got out there. That thing's wild. Ari was like, he's got a black eye. He's got a black guy. He also said that about Rock Out Millie, too, when he came out. He's like, he's got a black eye, a black cheek, a black forehead. Something's up with that.

guy. All right. Alex, welcome back. Where was that last, when was the last time you were on the show? It was in July. Greg, uh, Gred Fitzsimmons was on and I had a generational fuck up. Like, I did jokes about my birthmark, but I wore a bucket hat so like nobody could see what I was talking about. And I like bombed hard as fuck. Well, tonight you fucking cranked it, dude. Amazing jokes. I love the unbelievable crisp enunciation. Everybody got what the fuck you were saying. It was well written. It was well written. It was well. I'll edit it. Everything was tight and strong and fucking smart and funny. I was wondering where you were going with that OKC joke. Incredible. You act out, the whole thing. Amazing stuff.

Also, didn't lean on the fucking birthmark at all. Yeah. Right. Let this be a lesson to all these wheelchair cowards. That every obstacle is just a hurdle that some of you can leap over. The classic Fiona Cawley laugh in the midst. She's fucking great. Holy shit.

Oh my God. So Alex, that's amazing. It's great that you learn that lesson about the birth mark and the hat and everything. Crazy stuff like that happens. What else has been going on in your life? Remind us, how old are you? I'm 24.

24. What do you do for work? I'm a barista at Dutch bros now. Okay. Fuck yeah. Crushing it. Oh, yeah. Barista is a reach for Dutch bros, but okay. True, yeah. You make coffee.

Yeah. I put shit in a cup and I'm like, here. Yeah, dude. Your face looks like you got a handshake at Interstellar. Yes. Does anybody ever order a black eye at that place? Do you know what that is? That's a drink?

That's a drink. I was once, a lot of people don't know this, but on the grind and hustle that I've been on, I once worked at the Starbucks next to the Comedy Store morning shifts before working the afternoon phone shift at Starbucks, and I am a master fucking barista from 18 years ago. Coffee with an espresso shot? That is a red eye.

Wait, what's a black eye? That's a coffee with two espresso shots, ladies and shots. Okay. Amazing. So we're all learned something here tonight. If you really want to get fucking wired, you could throw espresso shots in your coffee. Oh, yeah.

I have a Starbucks question for you, though. Compare the two. What did a tortas order the most? What's a torta? A fat Mexican leg. Oh, that's very easy. Straight fucking frappuccinos all day. Carmel.

Carmel. Yeah. Double caramel, extra whipped cream frappuccino. Okay. That's interesting because at Dutch Bros. It's always like a strawberry horchata chai. Well, that's probably as close as it gets. Yeah.

Yeah. We didn't have horchatas at the Starbucks, but I promise you if we did, that would be the... We're running love. That would be the torta. That would be the drink of tortas. What do you guys think about it? Yeah, Alex.

That's fucking awesome. Yeah, jokes were great. He's fucking funny, you shit, chill. You know what? What are you doing this? Whatever Red Band's show is. That is a great point. You don't want him on?

Why don't you come down to see the show? It's a fucking whatever that. I mean, it's a special wig in South by Southwest Week. And also, he said, thank God when it was the minute. He's like, thank God. I can't, you know. I'm just scared, dude. How much material do you think you have that's like that minute that you did?

That quality. Obviously, those are like three of your best shows. Yes. So like, the longest I've done is probably 25, but that was like two years ago. How long you been doing comedy again? Three years. Three years. I have like, it's one-liner shit like that and then kind of stories. If I had the guess, maybe 30. If I was bombing straight, I could be up there for 30, I think. You know what we're going to do just for fun since Ari teased you and I don't have a golden ticket to give away because your interview is just a normal white guy. But what I am going to do,

you call that a normal white guy? I mean, he is turning into a werewolf in real time. He looks like he's about to have superpowers. Yeah, right? Dude, I'm a firebender at heart. You know what we are going to do, though, is we're going to send you up to Adam Eaget right now who's doing showcases in the other room.

And you're going to do a short set for him right now. How long is that? It's either three or three or four minutes, something like that. They'll tell you right before. Right now in real time, Alex Hirtline, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. He's about to be in front of the Booker of the Mothership. The former booker of the Comedy Store,

literally the biggest talent booker in the comedy industry. Tell them to only turn the left hand lights. It'd be funny if Adam's like, I'm going to pass it. Oh, God, what the fuck? Oh, no, it was a fucking monster, man. God damn it. Why did you guys send up that freak to me? Yeah, I think you got a lot of, what the fuck?

I have a real eye for what the fuck is that. All right. Everybody, I mean, what a fucking show it's been. Amazing. We started with William. Ari Maddie's on the road doing extra shows. Timmy, no breaks is conserving energy, but we have one more regular to close out tonight

who I think is taking over fucking comedy one week at a time. An undisputed growing freak of nature. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for yet another. This guy never turns down a set. When we've done two shows a night,

when we've had multiple shows a week, he always has a new set. Make some fucking noise for one of my favorite comedians, Dedrick Flynn, everybody. My therapist told me I can't be a YN no more. A YN mean young nigga. Because one, I'm 35, and that energy is dangerous with a nigga with no ACLs.

So now I'm on my WPN shit. It's a white people insurance. I just got health insurance. I did, I had you, because now I gotta start going to the doctor. I was against going to the doctor because my uncle told me at a young age, he was like, the emergency room is free. Right? And we lived based on that.

And then after I went to college, I just started using my student loan debt because they won't let you die if you own student loans. Because student loans is the only thing that you could only pay with by dying. And like, you can't do, like, bankruptcy. So, like, I would use that to my bit. Y'all remember when the cops was real mad at black people? And it was scary, right? Everybody was scared, but not me.

Every time I got pulled over, I would roll down the window. And I'd be like, I owe $40,000 to Sally Mae. And then the cop be like, ah, all right, I was going to shoot this shit out of you, nigga. I didn't know. Even when you go to the hospital, if you want to get to the front of the line, you got to go tell them, niggies, you got a student law. I don't care what's wrong. You could have a car door stuck in the middle of your chest

and it's actively giving you AIDS for some reason. Nigger, you did, you will get soft. Like you would get, niggia, you come in there, you like, I got $120,000 in student loan debt with the ethics and philosophy degree. Nigger, Dr. House, Dr. Mario, the niggas from Graves Anatomy, scrubs show up. Y'all notice there no niggas died from COVID

that has through the loan debt. That's my time I lay out. Jesus Christ. God damn it. He's done it yet again. You just got to learn to love it, people. Two or three massive, huge applause breaks. Only Ari got that with brand new material

from a fucking huge vacation. Dedrick, you are a fucking. pro dude. I'm not playing no fucking games this year. The premise. I'm going for rookie to year and Bill Belichick over here

and White Dad. It's just incredible. Your knack for fucking amazing premises is what I just absolutely love. Not letting people die if they owe money is amazing.

It's incredible. Honestly, if you think about it, Zoni, All these people that's on, like, ICU, like, on the core, like, brain dead. If you just go whisper how much them niggas, like, cause this, sir, you're at $180,000. Nick, that nigg will just get up. Like, you know what I'm saying? I feel like if we just go tell these niggins, they're running the bill up. They was like, pull the plug.

I'll walk, nigga. I don't. Amazing. You had amazing jokes that I think went over people's heads. WPN, white people insurance. Unbelievable. I whispered in red band's ear. Fucking insurance.

Unbelievable. I mean, it's just amazing. You're hitting from every angle. You're absolutely crushing. Ari, this has to be your first time seeing Dead Tray. I don't know who he was. I mean, I love, obviously, I love the teeth. Thank you.

I mean, it's just pricing it out as I watched you. But you were able to overcome that, and I can hear your material. I was doing that in the background while I was. listening to you, which is great. Black debt matters. Yep. No doubt about it. You're bald.

I think, guys... You son of a bitch. You should have kept that homeless Jameriqui hat on you and he wouldn't have had anything on you. I think it came out looking like a homeless Gandalf Dwight.

Who fire and shadow I fought him for 17. Fuck you, nigga. I love you so. I love you. Please don't get me to me. I'm too high for you. It was great, buddy.

I love it. And this is, have you guys ever seen Dedger? No, first time. First time. I've seen the clips. He's a fucking stone cold killer. Just in person, he's fucking crazy. You would love him on Are You Garbage because he is from real Atlanta.

The kid has fucking stories. He looks so classy. What are you talking about? It's the key of Tony Money now. I did see his first clip. He was dusty as shit. He really is. He really is.

The gold chains, the gold teeth. He's got the earrings. But my favorite thing is what's cooler than a black guy wearing a brand of menthol cigarettes that aren't even in business anymore for the ball cap. Salem. My uncle got this in the 90s because he's sending a bunch of empty cartons.

He's sitting in 72. And it's the same uncle that used to steal the pothole covers in Indianapolis and go sell him in Detroit at the recycles. An entrepreneur. That is actually an RU garbage car. That is an RU garbage car. I was going to say.

I could ever cashed anything in off Marlborough points. That is a lot of. The first questions we ever came up. This guy might be your first ever like 10-part docu series. Are You Garbage? Dedrick is a machine. You did it again tonight. It is a home run.

You know, you haven't been a regular all that long. And I've been throwing you these closing positions. and hyping you up on the intro, and you never fucking dodge a bullet. You always go with the win. It's incredible to see. This is my shit. I fucking love doing this shit.

I love being on kill Tony. I love... We got a beef, nigger. I've been waiting to get in conscience. This blind nigger, this blind nigger been on my ass all day because that goes into the other blind nigger you get Chris. You call him blind Chris. That nigger beat me in pool yesterday.

Don't talk about... because they're niggas can see with their ears. Like this thing is, though. And then he had Jay Legend back advancing the nigga the whole time. Fucking hell over there. That nigga beat me in pools. And this blind nigga, I guess heard it through the blind gray find. However that, nigga.

Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, the unstoppable force. The future has arrived. Learn to love it. It's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Dedrick, motherfucking Flynn. What a goddamn show we at tonight. Ari-on, fine, fine. Brought to you by Shopify and Quo.

Ari, plug the release one more time. It comes out, this, are you, this is, wait, hold on. It's called the end. It's a new version of whatever storytelling show you know. It's got, it's available April 16th, but the pre-sale is available right now at YMH Studios.com. Tom Sagar is producing it.

It's got Tony Hinchcliff held lying an episode. Roy Wood, Shane Gillis, Nate Bargazzi, Tom Segura, Chris Ostefano, Mark Norman, Joe List, on and on and on and on and Tony is headlining. Probably the best episode we have. Four stories about trying to come. Thank you, buddy. And it's a real, you know, Ari's been my big brother in this shit for about two decades, and you really did put a lot of fucking effort into this thing,

and it's awesome. And you just heard the names on it. One more time for Ari Shafir, surprising the dog shit out of us tonight. And how about one more time for the RU Garbage guys? Are You Garbage.com? Back on the block tour, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley, three of my favorite human beings here.

Thank you. So much fun on a random Monday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Little Timmy No Break's going to be for sale in the lobby with all that cool kill-toney merch. Killmerch.com for, an amazing new plethora of things, including our new,

uh, WWE merch in which, of course, we will be in Las Vegas, uh, April, right after the Saturday night of WrestleMania, that is indeed April 18th in Vegas, a WWE Kill Tony crossover episode. And it's, yeah, it's completely crazy. It's my dreams coming true. And May 7th, we are at the Intuit Dome,

the largest attended audience for a Kill Tony ever. Bigger than the Ozu Arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden. Our return to Los Angeles, where we started this thing, 13 years ago in front of 17 people, maybe less. Tony, can I just say that people, I was hostling around the fucking world, and a lot of people mentioned the special thanks to your goddamn Netflix shows. Yeah, every time. Fuck you.

Thanks. Special thanks to Ari Shapir for nothing, right? What does it say again? There's a lot in there. Looked at the credits and Tony's show if you made it that far. Yeah. And yeah, you're a con. It's fun.

We have a lot of fun running jokes, me and Ari. One more time for Ari's Shapir. Red Band. Check out my new music video. You Know Me, Cap Red Music on YouTube, Cap Red 7 on Spotify and on. That's right. A lot of other huge announcements happening very, very soon. And that's about it.

So we love you guys. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.