KILL TONY - #763 - JEFF ROSS

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

KILL TONY #763Jeff Ross, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, DMadness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White,Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 03/23/2026 Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY to get $50 in fantasy lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony If you’re 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order @IndaCloud with code TONY at https://inda.shop/tony! #indacloudpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Hello there, everybody.

We are excited to announce. You know, we were the first podcast to ever do Madison Square Garden. We were the first podcast ever on Netflix. And we're coming back to Netflix, as you know. And now we are proud to announce we are going back to Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row. Completely unprecedented. The world's greatest arena. Tickets go on pre-sale special two-day passes available on Wednesday morning at 10 a.m.

Eastern Time. That's Wednesday, April 8th at 10 a.m. Use the promo code kill to six, kill 26, and you can get special two-day passes or you can get a one-night pass, but you might as well come both nights. You're going to be in New York City, make a trip to the greatest arena in the world. Support your favorite show on planet Earth and see all your favorite talents of the future, the past, and the present at Kill Tony live at Madison Square Garden. Tickets go on sale Wednesday 10 a.m. Don't mess it up. Best in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Shopify, Toccovas and ZipRecruiter. Oh my God, it feels good in here. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? Fernando Castillo, Raul Balejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, and nachos Belgrade. The great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the Keys. And this, believe it or not, live in the flesh, is D madness, ladies and John Mee. Oh my goodness, what an exciting episode we have for you tonight.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Look, I've worked with some big name CEOs, founders, Fortune 500 types, and you know what they all have in common? At some point, they Googled themselves and did not like what they found. Maybe it's a competitor narrative that's taken on a life of its own or a bad quarter of your company that somehow became its whole identity or a leadership story that the press decided to write for you without asking. That's where net reputation comes in.

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You've seen it before. Sometimes it's three guests, sometimes it's two, and then every once in a while you're on a night, here on a night where it's so magical that I have one guess, that I love so much, that our chemistry is so good where we roll with one. This is one of those nights. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,

not only one of my favorite humans in the world, a man that I consider a brotherly, fatherly fucking super friend, but a genius who right now, his new special, take a banana for the ride is on Netflix, just came out. And you will see him on the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Ladies and gentlemen, my mentor and one of my best friends, the great Roast Master General Jeffrey Rowe.

And he is ready to unleash the flame-throwing power of another roast. May 10th, the roast of Kevin Hart. It's going to be the best, it's going to be the greatest roast ever. It really is. I don't know if Tony will ever be able to top his last set, but... You are the Nikki Glazer of Austin. Thanks for having me, Tony. That is the harshest roast joke I've ever had told to me, by the way.

That's exciting. I'm just going to take that one, absorb it. The best jokes, the most unattractive front row I've ever seen. Fucking ice truckers over here. Welcome, welcome, welcome, guys. It is a wild looking crowd. This guy looks like he plays the organ at a vape store. Look at this fucking guy.

It's absolutely incredible. This guy right here? Yeah, look at him. Dude. He looks like he sharpens his head. What can't look is this guy got? He's incredible. The human dildo in the front row.

Jesus. It is amazing. You look like your head should be part of a car wash. The bristles. I'm jealous. Look at me. He asks his, this guy goes in and asks his barber for the, felt tip.

Can I have an old paintbrush, please? That's nice. Your poor name is used paintbrush. We're going to have fun tonight, Jeff. You've done the show so many times. You were with us in the belly room when barely anybody knew about the show. He used to let me leave the writer's rooms early on Monday. The rest of the writers used to make fun of me, going,

what is the stupid pot? You think you get to leave? at 7 p.m. to do some stupid fucking thing. They would bust my balls about it. It's a great memory. Oh, yeah, you remember it when. Tony would have to leave to go to kill Tony. Yeah.

And they all thought I was just trying to flake out of work early on Mondays. Back then in the belly room, there were like 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you know how it works. We've done it all the way from the belly room at the comedy store to Madison Square Garden, over 200 human.

being signed up. They are packed like sardines and a dilapidated bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and they get feedback and take questions from me and the Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised.

Are you ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We're gonna start it with a bang, ladies and gentlemen. I have one of the best golden ticket winners of all time, maybe the goat golden ticket winner. Here to get tonight's show started, the automatic machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

What's up? What's going on? I flew with my dog and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. You're blowing my cover, you know. I'm gonna get a new dog, get a drug dog, and use it for good, you know? Say, yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at,

you know? Okay, I see these, a reptile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always a guy, working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah, that's what I need a motor when I had shit to do. You know, when I'm around livestock. That's, you know, okay, cool.

Okay, the great Martin Phillips with exactly 59 seconds. Oh, yeah, I did it. Thunder and lightning, as always. Is that true you travel with the dog? Yeah, I don't always, but great step up to a, story I wanted to tell. Perfect. I don't always travel with him, but every now and then,

I operate if it's like a short trip. So anyway, usually I drug him the fuck out. How do you do that? Oh, well, he gets a cocktail of gabapentin and travel zone. And it works. It works. Wow. And you like break this up?

You're just a special, you're just the old trusty pharmacist over here? I mean, the vet told me, I mean, I did, I didn't do our own research. He snorts it, right? Yeah, I have to shove it in his fucking nose. I love it. How long have you had this dog for? Most handicapped, most people with a condition of any kind, if they have a service dog, they're taking that thing around everywhere.

They troll it around with them. Honestly, I find it kind of annoying with my handicapped friends. You had any. even know you had a dog at all? No, remember the dog has a lot of stand. You made jokes about it dying. Oh, help. I mean.

On a piece of shit you were. I mean, that happens. During my time, I'm agreeing to know. That happens. Luckily, the dog was just tripping out on fucking pain pills or whatever. Yeah, it was chilling. But yeah, usually, you know, he's like, just, you know, just, you know, high as fuck, you know.

What kind of dog is it? He's like a Shih Tzu mix. He's like a small guy. And it's legs, everything's operational, or are you guys like twins? We don't have that fucking common. We're pretty easy. You guys don't Crip walk together through the airport. He's kind of blind, so he doesn't know where he's going either.

A little bit there. I love it. D. Madness, laughing at your blind dog. You got to love it. You got to love it. Does it wear wacky light up glasses like D does? It looks just like... I love it. I love it.

But, yeah, anyway, so I usually, you know, sleep in and stuff, and then we were on the plane. There was some reason he started to, like, freak out or so. I don't know what was happening. He started to get out of the carrier, but I called him down. The drugs hit that it took out of Santa. I had, like, a hoodie on. I looked up my sleeve.

It was like, is this shit? He took a shit. In the carrier? In the carrier. During the fight. During the fight with you? The flight. Oh, okay.

I thought you guys got into a fight trying to keep him in the carrier. Yeah, because he was shitty. That's why we were fighting. Wow. A little terrorist dog you have. And no unsaid anything, but I'm sure they're looking at being like, I think this guy shouldn't. You didn't smell it at all?

So if I leaned down, I could smell it. I definitely was like, oh, oh, but there's nothing we could do. What airline was this? Delta. Oh, okay. Normally you can pick up a scent on Delta. Southwest, it always smells like dog shit. Yeah, fair, yeah.

People would have thought it was a downgrade of the scent on Southwest. But Delta, that's interesting. Yeah. Are you in business class or normal? I think I was with Nora. We were in the back, so... Oh, cool. Shit goes down like there. That's right.

Literally. Yeah. He lived up to the Shih Tzu name. Yes, indeed. Really, yeah. So that's incredible. So you had it on your hoodie. Were you a little bit insecure after that?

Was anybody sitting next to you? Luckily, there was nobody next to me. Amazing. To call it out. That would have been great if it was like a... an Indian guy or something and you're like, God, it's this guy over here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you turn it inside out? Well, if- Good question, shitmaster Brian Redband. The master of having poop on him, everybody. Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redband, with the tough questions. I just roll out the Steve. Roll it up.

So, amazing, I know what it is. Amazing, Jeff, is this your first time seeing Martin? I've seen Martin before, never this close. This your dog, maybe your dog thinks you're wet all the time. He's always like shaking like the way dogs shake when they're wet. Always try. Anyway, how much money have we raised so far? Such a great to be here for such an important cost.

You look staker than I do. It's extra funny because I'm healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here. Yeah. So, I love that joke. I love you for that joke. Okay, sorry.

Sorry. Everyone is the healthiest I've ever been. Well, I look like Bruce Willis if his training, also had dementia. So how's my hair? Is my hair okay? Martin Phillips, what a way to start the show. You are unbelievable.

The automatic party starter. Martin Phillips has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He's the man. Hell yeah. Now to the bucket we go. It could be an insane person trying it for the first time. It could be the future of comedy that's been signing up for two years in a row

and waiting to get pulled and it hasn't happened. It can be anything in between. We're going to find out all together. Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Aaron Spall. How you guys doing? Hell yeah. So I've never lived in a city before.

I've always been like a small town kind of guy, just real simple, easy going, like normal shit. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, some cute, fuzzy. And now here I just got all these homeless people. When I first moved here, like, I felt bad for him. Give him a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody.

He was holding his sign that said, cancer, can't work. How are you going to use your zodiac sign as an excuse to being homeless? You're not out here because you were born in July, dude. That's insane. I'm working three jobs struggling to feed myself, and you're just sitting. I was born in July. Can you help me? Like, no, fuck you, dude.

But I try to look for the bright side and everything. I really do. And with having the homeless people here, I think I finally found it. It's like if you're out here on 6th Street and anybody starts, like, shooting, and they start blasting, we got a lot of meat shields we can use.

I'm grabbing the guy in the wheelchair. I'm charging straight Adam. We're going to be the heroes of the day, man. But I'm just fucking with you. All right, there it is. A complete allotted time of Aaron Spaller. Welcome to the show, Aaron. How are you?

I'm doing good, how are you? This is your first time on the show? No, third. Okay. All right. Well, your looks always changing. Today you look like a full-grown Chucky doll, so it's very exciting.

I'll take it. How long you've been doing stand-up? May will be three years. Okay, all of it here in Austin, Texas? I did nine months in Michigan to start, then moved here. Okay, awesome. And when did exactly, did you get the overalls? Christmas.

You got them for yourself? No, my mom, man. Your mom got those for you? Yeah. That's adorable. I didn't realize they made overalls for six foot four crackheads or whatever you are.

It's easier to get overalls that fit me than goddamn jeans, man. And they're cheaper. Overalls are cheaper than jeans? Yeah. Isn't that an incredible fun fact? All that extra fabric. But I guess when nobody wants them,

it kind of makes sense. It's kind of supply and demand or something like that. Cigarettes, hundreds when they cost the same. Yeah, do you look how many pops. That's a really great point. Our senior cigarette correspondent, Brian Redband, full of cigarette analogies. Aaron, what do you do for work?

I do valet during the day. You do valet? Yeah, mostly tractors. John Deere. Amazing. Aaron, how long have you been valeting for? A year in three or four months or three? What's the craziest thing you've seen, Valing?

Craziest thing? Or done or anything. Come on, there's got to be something wacky. I know you're trying to keep your job, but you got a car. There's something sitting on the passenger seat. Just a lot of gun. A shitty dog in a carrier, perhaps, or something like that. No, somebody has left their kid in the back seat and it was like, oh, shit, like baby, baby.

Like I started driving off and you see him run. How much did you get for it? Not enough. I'm still working there. I noticed that you called it a baby baby. That means like it's a, it's like an extremely young child in a carrier. Less than six months, yeah. Wow.

Wow. How far did you make it until you realized there was a baby in the back? Halfway around the block. Oh my God. Was it a dad or a mom? Both. Oh my God. It was the family, man.

Holy shit. Yeah, it was weird. Wow. And how did they react? Did you drove, did you realize before leaving the car, or did you realize before leaving the car? or did someone call you? Oh, yeah. So, no, every now and then somebody leaves the car,

something in the car, and there's the bike lane. So you got to, like, watch that mirror real heavy. Look in the mirror for the bike lane. I just see the parents, like, oh, shit. Oh, wow. I'm like, what's going on? And then you hear the, eh? I'm like, oh, shit.

Yeah. It's extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something, right? Exactly. And you look like the last guy anyone would want to leave their little baby with. Luckily, you guys were dressed the same, so it was perfect. Josh. Absolutely incredible. Probably wear the same brand diapers, too.

Aaron, what do you do for fun? What I do for fun? Mainly, like, hunting, golfing, working on cars, going fast. What do you hunt for? I've done deer pretty much my whole life, because I was born, raised in Michigan. That's pretty much all that's there. Deer, ducks, squirrels, simple shit.

Do you play music or anything? Why do you look like that? like that. I don't have an answer for that. It's just free will. Yeah. Don't like going to get haircuts. Haven't had it in like six years.

I just go for as easy as possible. Like I hate putting after. Tell us what else you do in life in which you're going for easy as possible. Easy as possible? You have one ply toilet paper? Jeff, where were you going to ask? Joke writing.

That's for sure. It was so quiet. in your set, I could hear the guy painting. What other shortcuts in life do you take? You don't get haircuts? Come on, there must be more. How often you do your laundry? Oh, shit. Once every other week? Okay.

Yeah. No, I just have all like those pack t-shirts, so they all look the exact same. You don't have to try at all. Give us another example, though. I kind of gave you that one. Give us another example of a shortcut in life. You know what it is. See, some people, they get pulled out of the bucket out of the bucket during this interview part, they don't want to, you know, they don't want to

give us anything good to work with. They want to look cool so they can show perhaps future girlfriends, their amazing appearance on Kill Tony. But you might as well get that out of the way. So like, what is it? The shortcut? I don't wear boxers ever. Wow. So there's just nothing going on underneath there. So those are true overalls. Yeah, six years, yeah. Oh my God. What'd you say? So would he say six years? Yeah, I haven't had boxers in six years. Wow. Or seven. Haircut and how long?

Six years. What happened six years ago? You are. You're cracking the case. Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago. What happened six years ago? Oh, fuck. It was the pandemic.

I just gave up. Oh, okay. I mean, nothing like serious. I didn't get diddled or... I was living with my mom. Life was easy. I don't know. Living with your mom just.

free balling. Yeah. Wow. And she's like, here's some overalls, dude. Please, for the love of God, cover that shit up. Wow, that's incredible. What's your living situation like? Three roommates. Three roommates. How many bedrooms? Four. How many bathrooms? Four. Wow, look at you. Yeah, it's absolutely shocking. Yeah, we all got our own bathroom, own shower, own shitter. Wow. Yeah. But y'all share this. same pair over. Yeah, tonight was my turn. It's my night out. Aaron Spaller, anything else absolutely crazy about your life we should know about before letting you go?

Mm. I mean, I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour. You crashed, you were driving a tree? Yeah, dude. Like a, yeah, no, in a car into a tree, yeah. Wow. Okay. Can I take a guess that this was six years ago? No, it was, that would make sense, but no, that was 2016 or 17.

Wow. And this was in Michigan? Oh, yeah. And why were you going 90 miles an hour? Because I had this job where I was like, I was their part, it was an auto shop, and I was their parts bitch. So I'd have to run around and pick stuff up. And I got too high and I missed all my turns. And they were on the phone just screaming at me. like, you got seven minutes.

If you don't pick this up, you're fired, yada, yada. I was on a dirt road and just floored it. And then there was, like, a cross, and this lady pulled out, stopped, and then just stayed there. So I just, it was either kill her, the tree. Right. And you decided. You decided to kill the tree.

Yeah, man. Amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you end up getting fired from that job immediately? No. Wow. So they were going to fire you for being late, but running into a tree saved you.

Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. That seems like the story. your life, Aaron Spaller. It's something. There you go. Well, here's a little joke book, buddy.

Little one. I almost made it into multiple pockets there. There he goes, Aaron Spaller. This is the bucket portion of the show, very clearly. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving here. It's like a nice guy. Oh, shit. There she is.

The lovely Heidi, everybody, has made it to the show, the one and only. and only. Watch the show Love on the Line. See it all. Le Chayim, to your health. To Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, watch Take a Banana for the Ride out now on Netflix. Thank you, Tony. Thank you for coming to opening night and everything. It was awesome. That was so cool. So cool. I found a cool picture of us back state. Yeah, that's the best. You guys have to watch it. It's a heartfelt and hilarious one-man show. By the way, I tried it out in this room like three years ago. Oh, yeah.

I did some run-throughs a couple years ago, and some people earlier told me they were here. Hell yeah. It's kind of a full-circle moment, but... I love it. I love it. We're all doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool

goes by the name of Vanessa Skidudo, everybody. What is up, Austin? I'm an older broad. You know, it's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day, though, I'm reminded of it. The other day, I was driving down the road, and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight,

and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? All of a sudden I see the passenger. I can't bend over too far, sorry, pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking roadhead, dude. I used to do that, you know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me. He just doesn't know how to show it.

What else? Ladies, titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing an accordion, right? a shake weight, right? We're opening a pickle jar. Maybe I'll use my mouth if you're lucky. What else?

Getting cumbed in the face. That's not a facial, guys. It's not. I know in your time probably. But what else? Why does it always smell like bleach? I'm waiting. Nobody's been able to dispel that mystery.

But the one thing I know that never changes as I get older is the shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself. My name's Vanessa Skiduto. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Vanessa Scududo. Welcome, Vanessa. What's up? How long have you been doing stand-up, Vanessa?

I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long, so like seven-plus years. I don't have an anniversary. Okay. Yeah, I know, right? That's a story of my life, too. Where have you been doing stand-up at? What hospice have you been doing for you?

Jacksonville, Florida, believe it or not. Wow, okay. That's right. Give it up for Florida comics. Fuck you guys, dude. We are fucking, we're the shit, dude. I don't know what you guys are talking about. winning over the crowd with a classic, fuck you guys.

Yeah, I know. Really turning around the momentum. Sorry, sorry about that. After that set. Forgive me. So you've been doing it seven plus years. Do you get on stage a lot? I haven't in the last four weeks, actually.

I just moved to Austin. Oh, congrats. What made you move to Austin, Texas? Actually, I came here for my spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy, believe you or not. Oh, you're in a cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing.

Tell us about this spiritual group. You were right. I knew you were going to, just like your parents and your siblings told you. Well, it's really just a community. It's not like we have a denomination. Ooh, we! It sounds like they are weeks away from a mass suicide, ladies and gentlemen. It's just a community, everybody.

It's just spiritual. Don't worry. We just all wear the same outfits. At least there's a record of this, right, if something happens. No, I mean, it's literally, you guys may have even heard my mentor. Her name's Sarah Reeves. She's been on the Night Owl Podcast. Okay, a lot of name drops and whatnot.

Can you explain to us what it is? It's basically just a community of different practitioners, of different things. We just support each other and we develop our intuition. What type of practitioner do you do? What's your specialty? I can do a lot of things.

I can do medium work. I can do... Ooh, oh, this sounds exciting. What type of... I can do healing. You also do medium comedy. You ain't wrong, sir. You ain't wrong.

How can we... Can we go out, Shout out to Dave Attell. I love it, the great bumping mics. Awesome. What are you, the tennis coach for those? You know what? I honestly didn't know I was gonna be here tonight. That happens.

That's the risk we take signing up for a show. And I was told to just sign up. There you go. Who told you, your master at the spiritual group? No. My buddy. You should have known you were getting pulled, being a medium and all.

Yeah. You didn't feel it in your instinct. I told them I was going to get called. There you. Amazing, amazing. amazing how you psychics always guessing afterwards. I know, right? Don't we always know?

Amazing. I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew, but I didn't know. Oh shit. Oh, cigarette. That's a first. That's a person. You can't make fun if you see that.

It's called marble. It's called marble. It's called marijuana. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual group. I appreciate that. I appreciate that.

Holy shit. This show is on fire then. I just, I just want to tell you guys, Every one of you guys have abilities. That's it. I'm going to put that out there. All of you guys do.

Okay. So what kind of, let's flex this medium work right now. Oh, my God. Because we never get to do anything like that. This is not how it's done, but okay, I'll try. She's true. Real master improviser. You are over there.

I'm not, actually. I can't stand improv, so that's my fault. Okay. I know. Sorry. But it's. You're crushing it right. You're doing great.

I appreciate you. Everything is okay. So why don't you do some medium work for us? What can you tell us about anything in the, this room. Do you feel any energies? Kino? Give me a spotlight. John Dees. Give me a little medium music. Medium music, John. Here we go. I will tell you, there is something in the alley. And I think some of your doormen have seen something movement in the back. Okay. Ask them. Okay. Hold on. No sound effects during this point. Ask them.

What do you mean ask them if he's seen movement in the alley? The doorman have probably seen movement like shadows and shit in the back alley area. You felt a presence in the alleyway. Well, it's not necessarily a presence. It could just be residue. Like energy. Absolutely. There's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this room.

Kino, stick with me again. John Dees, give me fucking media music. What the fuck is going on here? Deez, are you awake? You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers? My super stoned fucking keyboard player? You made a ball of sleep? That's incredible.

I'm sorry if I'm flashing my twat. I didn't know. Not. Apology, excepting. I know. All right, here we go. Medium work with Vanessa Skiduto. Oh, God.

Tell us something. Do you feel anything from the energies out here in the audience? I know they look very unhappy right now. That looks like... No, I don't really sense anything. Okay, great. Well, amazing. Can you explain to us something that you've done before medium-wise in which it was a break-th

through in which everyone was like, wow, you're so powerful. I mean, I have a daughter. Oh, my God. I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful. How about the medium stuff? I mean, I saw her before she was born. I knew what she was going to look like. I don't know what else to tell you.

Does she have brown hair and brown hair? No, no. No. You saw a blonde child. No, she is not blonde. It came out looking like Jeffrey Ross. Right, exactly. Exactly.

The nose was a little more smushed, but yes, her nose was a little more smushed when she came out. Aw. Okay. Why was her nose smushed from your vagina? Well, I guess I had a tight womb. Whoa. You're trying to push a... See, now that is something I wouldn't have guessed.

I would have guessed that medium is an extra large. Well, I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age. Okay. So my daughter's in her 20s now. Okay, cool. Yeah. than mediuming for the spiritual group.

Is there anything else before I let you go, Vanessa? For the spiritual group? Do you have any special powers or anything? Well, yeah, a lot of them, we can do healings and stuff. Liar! Wow, that's amazing. Thank you, Richard. What have you healed before exactly?

Oh, like if somebody... I know, this is... Dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this shit up. No, it's good. Vanessa, this is so entertaining. The last guy's a ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You're killing the interview part. Yeah, I'm sorry.

You can heal almost anything. So it depends. Sometimes you can see, well, I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have auras and shit. You can see when people's orrors are broken. You can clear them for them, and you can remove certain energies.

I mean, yeah. I don't know. I mean. Okay. Yeah. But have you ever, is there anything you can cite, something that you've done?

Like, have you ever, like, was there ever like a person? Yeah, my friend Scarlett, I helped heal her. She's an artist here too in Austin, if you guys want to check her. Her, like, spirit was broke. You just keep name dropping.

She had a pain on her back, and I removed the pain from her back. Oh, my goodness. So you can do that. I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves, too. Wow, I love that. Well, you all are mediums that have the power of the heel. You do.

You are divine beings. Remember that. Don't let this shit fucking tell you different. I love it. Absolutely. Vanessa. Love you, Tony. I love you.

You're nutty as hell. I love it. There she goes. Vanessa's good, you know. Very cool. Vanessa, your divine being. Yes. You're divine.

Thank you, Vanessa. We love all different shapes and sizes. She was vulnerable. Yeah. If she was, yeah. Like I said, I love it. That's why I say it. So that the people watching the show that want to sign up at some point are good during the interview part.

All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael Heinz, everybody. Put your hands together for Michael. I got cheated on by a Native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feet lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal f*** doesn't mean I like conservative ones.

And it's because they'll make one video make in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one they call themselves an Omega Sigma alpha male. And those are just pronouns for fratiorans. pronouns for frat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first.

And it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war because they're fighting a physical war of Pakistan, World War Poo. Are you familiar? Let's hope it doesn't go pukeler, you know? Every trans woman I've ever met has been mentally ill. So maybe they are women. with a strong dismount. Yes, sir.

I love it. You've been on this show before I remember you. Michael always funny. Yes, sir. Thank you very much. What have we talked about in your other interviews? Last time we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the narbar. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, torta. You don't know about this. It's a sandwich. In one way it is. It's also a very thick Latina girl. Oh, torta. Very thick. Heck yeah.

Has that happened again since the last time? No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment. They won't let me sign my lease again. Oh, tell us about that. Well, my downstairs neighbor called the cops on me over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed. Wow.

The cops came 200 times. To the leasing office, apparently weed's legal for now, so. Ah, very interesting. But they won't let me stay. Wow. Do you ever run into it? to this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically? Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah. What are they,

do they, are they mean to you? She used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other. Oh, great. You love it. Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now. And you smoke indoors. You don't have a patio or anything like that. I blow it outside.

So you smoke indoors and you blow it outside? Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway, so might as well, yeah. You like blow it out of a window? Mostly. So when is your lease up? 69 days from today. I'm counting. Wow. Okay. And what are you going to do? Have you been looking? I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm like $18,000 in credit card debt, so maybe I'll go back to New Jersey for a little while. Wow. And how would you save up money in New Jersey exactly? What would be the plan be there? I live near like a vacation spot. So in the summertime, I'd work there for a little bit, grind it out, and then probably get a worse job. What do you do for work in New Jersey? Well, nothing. I live in Texas.

So the spot in New Jersey where is next to a vacation spot that's here? What do you mean? Or in New Jersey? It's in New Jersey. So what you just said you would go there work and grind it out? I would work at like a bar or something. Oh, you have no idea. Yeah, no idea.

Try to make me look like an asshole. I was dialed in the entire. I have no idea what I'm going to do. You have no idea. How did you get exactly 18,000? thousand dollars in debt. You're a guy that knows that you have 69 days left on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on

18,000 and some change. Yeah, I had a DUI. Oh, wow. Tell us about that. It was when I first came out of the Marine Corps like three years ago, but since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for like two years

and then why I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with like $12,000 in bills and now there's interest in bullshit, so. It's been like another two years since then. $1,000. Where was the DUI at in Jersey? Yeah, in New Jersey.

What part of New Jersey exactly? Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent here. Long Beach Island. Ah. Oh, man, you're going to jail. Jersey, Jersey. That's Jersey Shore Jersey. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I knew the cops that arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with it. How'd you know them? I used to be an M.A instructor, and they were students in the class. A couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind is the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA instructor.

I used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started doing comedy. Oh, okay. Shout out. Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly. Mostly eating at night.

And this is a sad thing to do, man. When you're not on the other side of the microphone, this is a sad place to be a lot of the time. I don't know if you see, but red band's also on the other. side of the mic. He's also put on 35 pounds in the last three months. It seems like all your problems actually stem from smoking weed, by the way. It was an alcohol DUI.

No, I mean from the weight and your neighbors, your apartment, you're... That's probably true. How much did you drink the night of your DUI? Did you hit something or just... No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o'clock on a Saturday in the summertime in Long Beach Island and it's a beach town. Remind me again. How did the cop know you again? I was an MMA instructor in the class. And you taught him? Well, I mostly taught the kids, but I helped out

during the adult classes. And I used to joke, you could never arrest me if you wanted to, because I could beat him up. And it turns out he could arrest me. Wow. He got me. Did you say anything to him when it was going down?

Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put their knee on my neck, but you didn't see me complaining, but they were scumbags. Because once they were trying to book me as fast as I can because they said we got to get out there and get more people. They were fucking pieces of shit. Well, no, you could have killed somebody.

Well, it was just below the legal limit, or just above, rather. It was right there. So it was, we kind of should be allowed. Right. I see. It's an arbitrary number. That's close to it. But you were smoking weed that night as well.

No, I waited until I got home. I didn't want to get in more trouble. Right. You waited until you got home so you could blow it in the neighbor's vent. That is true, yeah. All right, Michael Hines. Anything else crazy we should know about before I get you out of here? No, not really.

All right, perfect. This really shows what people dedicate of their lives to be comedians. This fucking guy was in-shape MMA instructor. Probably got tons of chicks and had a great life, but you're like, I have to express myself on stage. Yeah, I know. Come on, at least give me a big joke book. I did well.

Can you get one last time? Yeah, but I wrote in it. I write all the time. You filled it up? Yeah, dude, you hear how much I write. All right. Jeez, sweet. Here you go.

This guy's going to sell it. Find that joke book on eBay in a couple weeks. This guy's 18 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the Great Bonesi, available at killmerch.com. It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet. From rolling countryside to cobblestone streets. Begin your next chapter. Look your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent.

WestJet, where your story takes off. Hello. This podcast is sponsored by IndyCloud. You know when some comedians bombed so hard, the whole room goes silent? Getting a little buzz might be the only thing that makes that experience funny, and I'm not talking about beer or wine. And if you're settling in to watch the best live podcasts on the planet, Indic Cloud, makes it even better.

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Ship to screately to your door plus free shipping on orders over $50 and $30 and free gifts on qualifying orders. And don't forget to fill out the quick survey. When you order to support the show, please enjoy responsibly. And big thanks to In the Cloud for supporting your 420 coded comedy nights. Please enjoy responsibly. All right, another bucket pool. Put your hands together for Katie Carter, everybody.

Katie Carter. I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently, he was like, oh, was the guy like a real pedophile, or did you just like develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile, or were you like a really sexy kid?

And I was, so you guys kidding. I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day. to get a kid to come into your band, and then you finally do, and you have to be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, this never happens to me. Please don't tell your parents about this part, specifically.

They should have humiliating. And the kid has to console you. He's like, no, this is probably just because you had, like, too much of the Eucharist or whatever, so. Fuck yeah, right on the money. Exactly a minute from Katie Carter. Welcome to the show, Katie. How long you've been on stand-up?

Two years. Where at? Denver. Nice. You still live there? Nope, just moved here. Sweet. How long ago?

Like three months. Awesome. Absolutely incredible. Do you have like a day job or something? There's like dumb chick shit. Nice. Not only fans. I have like a marketing job, but it's boring.

It's comedy is the real goal. Okay. Yeah. Very cool. And you get on stage a lot around Austin. Yeah. Try to get like six and seven nights a week. Cool.

Yeah. Amazing. What do you do like for hobbies and stuff? Um, you know, more dumb chick shit, I guess. I just, yeah, like running and fucking jerking off all that stuff. Yeah. I love that. Incredible. Redman, I thought you'd like that. Yeah. Give you some material for later. You're definitely doing the secret show on Thursday, so congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you. I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. It'll be great. You'll be real surprise.

That's why I did the show. I mean, it's just incredible. Jeff Ross, oh, were you gonna? I like that all your jokes were like connected. Like you weren't doing random shit, you came up here with an act. Thanks. Hey, bars low, I appreciate it. Stayed on topic, stayed in the pocket. Incredible. Katie, what else is going on in life? Just moved here.

It's cool. You guys have a different, you have a pretty crazy homeless situation here. It's a lot different than Denver. It's cool. Yeah, it is a little, again, it's very concentrated here. Yeah. Well, it's different. Like in Denver, if someone like asked you, like,

to get them something from a gas station, you're, like, legally required by Joe Biden to do it, you know? But here, you can just say no and fucking shoot them, so it's awesome. It is, it is very awesome. We take full advantage of that. Tony's like, there's only homeless people right here in this neighborhood, not in my 18th floor penthouse. Yeah, there's no, it's like, it's only certain places.

I do. Not in my hot tub. Although there probably has been homeless people in your house. Hey, we have some watch. wild nights here in Austin, no doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off every once in a while, for lovely Maggie available at Fifth and the alleyway between New Ases and Rio Grande.

No, it kind of is, though. I mean that, like, there's like a four or five blocks stretch. Pretty much the street. Yeah, and they know, you know, it's like the tourists. It's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in L.A. Or all of New York City, you know what I mean? This is the worst plug for the mothership. Well, it is true.

There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, like six years ago, that built a homeless shelter right here on 6th Street, 7th Street, and wherever the creek and the cave is. So, like, kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs, there's just homeless people. And then there's homeless comedians, and there's comedians that have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation?

You live by yourself? You just don't have an underpass on... No, I'm kidding. No, yeah, I live alone. It's super cool. Thinking about doing H here soon, so we'll see. Doing what? Hairwood.

Oh, nice. Very good. But you have like a normal girl setup. You have like that fluffy white plain comforter and like... You know, yeah. Red Man's going to think about it later, I'm like. Oh, yeah. He's thinking about it right now.

Ooh, he's got something to say. Look at this. What kind of posters or paintings you have on your wall? Posters. Yeah, they have posters. You could tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of. lot of 12 year olds over here. Yeah.

You have my little pony. Yeah. Do you have any art? Do I have any art? Yeah, do you have art hanging on your walls? You know, honestly, right now, no, it's kind of sociopathic. But so sorry, I can put up some Hello Kitty posters if you want, if that would help you finish or whatever.

You just have, you just have one of those, like, stand-up mirrors that you got off Amazon or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. It keeps me going, you know. Perfect. Absolutely incredible. Jeffrey Ross. Tony has, uh,

Tony has like Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house. I love that you think that Theodore Roosevelt quote is a Tom Brady quote. I get it, the man in the arena, but I tried to, I wanted to make it funny. It's inspiring. It's very inspiring. Every few months, Tony sends me the great Theodore Roosevelt poem, The Man in the Arena. It is true. It is true.

It's inspiring. It really is. Do you have it, Tachi? Oh my God. Red Band, you're not allowed to, every time there's a pretty girl on, you're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong and it doesn't represent what the show is. Do you have a Tachi? Wait, what is that? Oh, it's nothing.

It's a television brand. Anyway, uh, Katie Carter. Wait, tell me on the Secret Show later. What kind of car do you have? What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do you think I drive? Uh, Kiyah.

Okay. You think I'm a pussy? That's fair. The driver Honda-A-Lantra. That was the next guess. That's basically slightly better than IKEA. Think I'm poor, Tony? I mean, probably.

Yeah. Very likely. That Timmy No Breaks's jacket, by the way. They actually call me Timmy No Tits is my nickname around here. Hell yeah. That's unfortunate. Katie, you are a true comedian.

I see nothing but wild success in your future. Red band? Pretend like you're thinking about it. I'm not going on the Secret Show you can say, sir. You did it. All this is up.

You're a dirty boy, Brian Redband. You're a naughty, naughty, dirty boy. We have another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time to bring him out. He is incredible. You're gonna love him. He's blind. Put your hands on for Chris Celio, everybody. Here we go.

Is she even hot? I fucking can't wait for robot eyes. God damn it. I miss tits so much. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's going to put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it Neurlink.

But he says the first version of it is going to look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want pong pussy, you know? I'll wait for two raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon. that they were breaking and vandalizing Tesla's,

that's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life, somebody will immediately spray paint Nazi piece of shit on it. That's fucked up. I'm not even going to know. I'm just going to drive around for two weeks

like the happiest Nazi in the world. This smiling skinhead piece of shit blaring Kanye West out my speakers. Like, I didn't even know there was a problem, dude. Fuck yes. Another brand new minute. Amazing stuff, Chris. I notice an amazing, amazing quality of yours

is you always have a great opening line that feels organic, and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even hot with Heidi? I hope this is real, is what you said, your first appearance on the show, and immediately I fell in love with you. because obviously you could be anywhere

and it could be a bunch of people pranking, you know? And it's just so darn funny. For a guy that's blind, you hit it right on the nose every time. It is incredible, Chris. How's life going? It's going fucking good, man. Just did fucking mushrooms at South by Southwest

and listen to bands. Wow. What were the visuals like? God, I wish, dude. Give me one color. I would love anything right now, dude. It's as black as D. Yeah. Incredible.

Amazing. Amazing. So what was the band? You took mushrooms and you saw, or heard what? Yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah, no, we just popped around random spots. I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen, dude.

Don't know their name at all. Amazing, amazing. That was at a festival, would you say? South by South West, just like random bars around town. It was cool. Very cool. Very cool. A lady just was dancing with me and just was like,

here, I'll put you in a better spot, and then just put me right next to a speaker. And almost killed me. I was like, holy shit, You're gonna ruin my life. Amazing. I can't handle that. Amazing, Chris.

Tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living with. Or anything at all. I mean, it doesn't have to be about being blind. No, no. It's good. It's like, it's a lot of fun.

I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there. And then she started trying to take off my sunglasses. Oh, And I was like, no, no, no. Right. You don't want to see those in the drugs you're on.

Yeah. These are bad bye-bys, you know? Amazing. Chris, how do you know when you're done wiping? God damn it, dude. God damn it, Redband. Our senior wiping correspondent, Brian Redband, asking the tough questions here today.

Give me a bidet sponsorship, all right? It is a tough question, Are me and D. Madness going to do a ladders match at WrestleMania? That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, do you ever go on dates or anything like that? No, I don't, like, it's hard. It's hard meeting girls like, the apps are just like,

picture, picture, picture. Yeah. They don't like read me their bios. Girls' bios suck. It's like Puerto Rican flag. Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed. Wow.

Only when I, like, bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, it was so. Amazing. And remind us, how long have you been blind? It's been, like, 10 years now? Yeah. And you had, like, you had, like, easily detachable retinas or something. Super easily detachable retinas. And it kind of happened before, and then it went all the way off.

Yeah, yeah, I had, like, one eye that, like, they had to remove because I just had, like, four retinal detachments and, like, a ton of, like, super painful surgeries. But you did see for a while. 18, so I was 18. Wow. So even when you take drugs now, like you did at the festival say, you really don't see anything?

Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination is shit. What? What the fuck was that, dude? I don't know what that was. No, it's not Red Bank. That wasn't Red Bank. That was a John D's key.

He's over there. So, okay, so there's no visuals, but you do have just, you only have your memory before 18. Yeah, yeah. Like, I can still see in my dreams, you know? Ah, that's interesting. Yeah, but it's all shit I saw before I went blind.

Right. So it's like every night, my dreams are the world's shittiest 90s sitcom. Like, blind meets world. Or, like, fresh prints of blindness. That one's weird. I'm black in it. Can you take,

Can you take us through, can you, for example, just, like, take us through, like, the most recent dream? Doesn't have to necessarily be funny, but everything's a 90s sitcom. What is, like, the most recent dream that you remember? I'll have, like, stand-up dreams about, like, you know, doing comedy, and every time it'll just be, like, me doing comedy, and then I think back when I wake up, and I'm like, that was my lunchroom. Whoa, you hear that? It really is a 90-s sitcom. Didn't work as good as I thought it would.

Yeah, I'll just be, like, running away from, like, monsters, and it's just, like, a hallway that I knew from fucking 10 years ago. Damn, that's incredible, Chris. All right. Well, anything else crazy we should know about before we let you go, Chris? No, thank you guys so much. You guys rule, dude. Thank you so much.

Hold on. Chris Delio, you are the fucking man. Chris. Yeah, Jeff Ross is here. Fucking Jeff Ross is here. Hold on, dude. I didn't even get to talk to Jeff Ross. Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Frost.

What's he hiding for me? Why is he hiding from me? Right here. Right here. Jeff Ross, you look like a... The one guy who can roast me. I love this. No, dude, you sound like a Sesame Street semi. I think I get it.

Chris, what's your last name? Sillio. I'm gonna remember you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like 10 years. So about the time this happened to you, you decided, I need to channel it into something artistic. Yeah, yeah. I was, like, figuring out what I want to do.

Like, I was, like, first semester of college and when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcasts. And I was like, I always wanted to be a stand-up. And I was like, this seems like something I could do with minimal effort. You know? Yeah.

Just me in a microphone seems like write a perfect amount of work for me, you know? Yeah. But you came out, your minute was like, killer. That wasn't the first time you did that minute. It was the first time you did it here. You've been working. Yeah, it worked. I can feel that and I think you're a really good joke writer. Thank you so much.

And I was wondering what color your shirt is. God damn it, dude. A Tesla will always fail. You are awesome. Give it up for Chris. Chris Celio, ladies and gentlemen. A true golden ticket winner has done it again. Absolutely incredible.

You guys having fun out there? If anybody wants to dry paintbrushes autograph, he's going to the restroom right now. The lucky hallway has a chance. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everybody. We're going to keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott. Here he is. I got a Roomba recently. He's black.

He cleans my house. It's a sweet deal. What is the black bass bass? What is the black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives? Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I pushed clean on him and he goes up and down the holes.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Master keep my battery is charged. The other day I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby. I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over. I'm like, watch your feet.

Coonto's trying to get by. Uh. So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall and he's cleaning and he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea. I get up and I go, the hell you will! Whoosh!

Nobody said you could take a break. So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died. And when he died, I bought a new one at an auction for three-fifths, the price of It's a black one. Wow, Michael, stop pushing it to the limit with an incredibly racist set that only you could do. Only me. Amazing. You can get away with it.

Yeah. Incredible. Remind us all, Michael. How long you've been on stand-up? Nine years, four months. Nine years and four months. Amazing. And most of that here in Austin.

No. Bakersfield, California, a little bit in Fresno. I moved here December 38. December 30th of 23. Okay. Awesome. What do you do for a day job? I got fired from one, but I still have a valet job.

You're working ballet too. This is the official show of valet drivers. I've gotten a lot of comics hired, like quite a few. Okay. You called Aaron McPherson earlier. He didn't get up here in time. I got him a job there. But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after,

and I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron. Yeah, I pulled names out of a bucket. Yeah, no, it was like, yeah, I know it wasn't you. And I don't know what happened to him. I didn't actually call them. I hand off the piece of paper, and if they're not like where they're supposed to be or whatever, then I have to pull another name. I know.

It's not like rocket science or anything crazy. I know there's a lot of, there's a lot of conspiracies about this bucket, but it's just pieces of paper. Oh, there's D-Madness, everybody. Your Roomba just came back. So Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on? Your Roomba plays a hell of a base. I got a tie.

It is absolutely incredible. Does somebody tell him I was black backstage and then he came? Oh, I got to make it back for this one. Yeah, I don't know. What's going on in life, Michael? In life, yeah. You have a girlfriend? No.

When's the last time you went on a date? Let's say three months, maybe. What happened there? Not great, just, I mean, it was all right. You met her online or something like that on a dating place? No, just had a show, met her, hung out, got messed up, and... You had drinks? Yeah.

And then what, you went back to your place? Yeah. And then what happened? The fuck there, yeah. Oh, wow, what a romantic, what a romantic man. Straight to insertion. Yes. I was already unbuckling as we were driving now.

Amazing, amazing. And then you never talked to her again after that? No. Why is that exactly? I don't know. It just wasn't feeling it. This is a white girl? Yeah.

Okay. What gave it away? It could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would fuck whoever would want to fuck you. Am I correct? I think he's right.

Yeah. Amazing stuff. And you met her at just a regular open mic. Shakespeare. And she came up to you afterwards and was like, What's up? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been kind of, I don't know. I've been doing comedy, and then people come up to me and tell me, talk to me afterwards. Just lately, I usually talk to nobody. I just do my thing and leave. Now, I'm trying to hang out and make friends. And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's. I was drunk before, but at Shakespeare's in other places.

I walked around. Okay. Very cool. All right, Michael. What kind of car do you drive? 2019 Chevy Equinox. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator? A salmon.

Girl, he fucked. Three months. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, she's thawing out right now. Michael, let me ask you a question that I asked another valet driver earlier. What's the weirdest thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were valeting at the time?

Um, guns, condoms. Not in the same car, that's for sure. No, this is different, different. Nobody with guns is using condoms. Um, no way, Jose. That'd be absolutely contradictory to life itself. Um, one person parked their car overnight, and they had a German Shepherd that they left in the car,

in a crate, in the bed, strapped down. He'd come out maybe every four hours and check on it, but it stayed, yeah, and it was the winner, too. I was very upset about that. Was it like a Tesla that had dog mode on or anything like that? No, it was like a Dodge Ram truck. It was a German shepherd. Perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust.

Because it was a German shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car, in a torturous situation. Perhaps it was revenge for the Holocaust. Still not getting the laugh I think it deserves. I can't really plan to do a joke like that. It has to just be served up in the air. You only have one chance at it. I guess that was my chance,

and it's yet still not really connecting the way that I was hoping. It was because the Jews were held captive by the Germans in very tight quarters, very tough situation. You said it was during the wintertime? Yeah, yeah. Really doesn't get much more spot on than that. Thank you. There it is. There it is, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. We only get to laugh at good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going pee. So that was our one chance. I'm kidding. Michael Scott, fun times. Yeah, you know, tremendously racist set. That's why you're leaving here with a big joke book. Michael, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show, brother. Thank you, Ray. Thank you, Tony. We're having a good old time here tonight.

There he is. I knew it. We're right on time. I didn't want you to miss this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, your next set, your next bucket pool. Goes by the name of Eric Biggs, everybody. We're going to watch them all together. It's going on, Austin. I think too many people in this town, especially men go to counseling.

I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern, I don't believe in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. All right? You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your friends.

Because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that. I do think I'm going to start the Midwestern counseling service. That's how I'm going to go and reinvent counseling. What it's going to be is you're going to come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car. It's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac. That's illegal, all right, guys?

That's what freedom is all about. And then we're just going to talk and get drunk all night long. Have a good time. And maybe as the night goes, you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life. Then you'll look at me in the eyes and be like, yeah, I got hard when dad died. I'll look you dead in the eyes. I'll turn up the radio and say, shut up, pussy. We'll move on.

All right. I've been Eric Biggs. Okay. Is it okay if I go to the bathroom, man? That's fair. It's fair. Eric Biggs. I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies.

Yeah, yeah. I was a proud. I kept trying. He said no. Wow. Eric, how long have you been? attempting stand-up comedy. Six years of attempting, Tony.

God damn, six years. What happened here? That's just a new minute, a tough minute? Yeah, I don't know. It's been kind of working. I've been trying it around, but it did not work. It did not work. Six years where at?

Mostly Missouri. I started off in Columbia, Missouri. And then where else have you been? I've been here ever since then. Been down here about three years. Three years. Okay, here's what I'm going to do, because Eric, I'm telling you, I see it in you, dude.

Look at you. built like a snowman. I am. You are just, you have a beautiful round head. You have a round body. He's built like a snow globe. I think. Except for I'd never have a carrot in my mouth.

I think they don't have it in that. That's their nose. That's their nose, Eric. I love your, like, super confidence with no talent at all. It's, like, amazing. That's what the Midwest is all about. I love it. Yeah.

What do you do for a living, Eric? I'm an insurance salesman. It's the only thing that can be worse than sucking a comedy, you know? Yeah. You do this. You do that all day and you go, you know what?

I can eat shit on stage in front of people. That can't be anywhere. I just think that Pontiac thing for some reason. Did you write that in Missouri? No, I wrote that down here. Fuck. All right. Sorry.

He gave me it out. He said, don't take it. I'm still, and I might be wrong, but fuck, Eric, there's something behind those eyes, I think you can do better than that. I'm going to give you one more minute, do a totally different minute. You got it, right? You've been doing this six years.

You must have a second minute. Whatever you think your best minute is, because I'm positive, this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now. No, it's better than where this was going. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. What are the topics? Yeah, what are some...

What are your... What are your... I got some stuff about marriage. I don't know about you... Have you been married? Yes, sir. I'm married right. You know what? Just run, just get right into it.

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time. We're going to start to talk. Thank you. One minute from Eric Biggs, everybody. Yeah, I just celebrated my one-year wedding anniversary. Yes, it's very nice. It's nice to know when you and still trick white women in making bad decisions.

Like, my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said, our lower credit score sounds great. Who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it? That sounds fun, you know? The worst part about it is is I got married young, so you get a lot of bad advice whenever you get married young? Like, have you ever just been about to black out at a bar? You just have some old guy sitting next to you,

and he goes, don't do it, don't get fucking married. She'll fucking take everything. You just got to look at him and go, I live in a trailer, I have nothing. Nothing can be taken. You can't split shit in half. Okay, perfect. It was better.

That was better than your first minute. Makes me wonder if I gave you another minute if that would be better than that minute. So you live in a trailer? No, sir. Did you, in Missouri? No, no. My parents were way too successful

for my life to have turned out this way. Wow, incredible. What are your parents do for work? IT and a school teacher, middle school. Amazing, amazing. And what do they think about you attempting stand-up comedy? Oh, they wish I made different decisions.

Did they like that you're an insurance salesman? Yeah, yeah. My mom every time goes, it's okay, you can back out. None of them know you do this. It's okay. Hell yeah. All right. And so, uh, what else about you, Eric? What would we find interesting about your entire life? Because you're not really white trash, but you're from Missouri. You're kind of like a, kind of like a, you have an American pie kind of family. Yeah, yeah.

But yet you kind of dress like jelly roll. Well, yeah. Yeah, this is what has. happens whenever you go to a Bass Pro and go, yeah, that looks classy, you know? Yeah, a $35 t-shirt will look cool on stage, you know? Yeah, you know you could buy a pair of overalls at the same price. Well. I didn't know that until tonight.

What was it, Jay and Silent Blob? Yeah. Yeah. So what else about your life? You ever have anything crazy up in? You got it any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that, like, wins at, like, a vape competition or something? Oh, no, no.

I smoke cigarettes like an adult. I would never, I'd never vape. What am I, a coward pussy? No, I, I don't know. I think I got into comedy. Like, you know, because usually everyone comes from, like, a broken home or your dad beat the shit out of you or whatever. I didn't have that.

I had a very normal family. I even had, like, my brother, very cool, very supportive. I think that he saw I wanted to be a comedian, so he decided, you know, I'm going to give this kid some trauma, so he died in a drunk driving accident to just really get me going. Party time. We all love a dead brother

drunk driving story. A lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight. A reminder, we do not endorse that in the Kill Tony universe. Do not drink and drive. Absolutely. All right. You eat and drive?

Yeah, oh yeah. Seems that it would be equally as dangerous. Yeah, it's a problem. About blacked out a couple times. Hell yeah. See the P. Terry lights and you're like, I gotta go. All right. I'm on my way home.

All right, Eric. We're gonna keep it moving. Fun time. Sign up again. Keep writing. Prove your parents strong. And maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't try to squeeze it all in.

Take your time so that people understand you and stuff. You speak perfect English, but you talk a little fast and words get together and then a bit, but-a-b-da-but-a-but-a-but-a-but-you know what I mean? Like, take your time a little bit. You're right. You're absolutely right. That's good advice. And also, I like that he reset and did a whole another minute. Yeah. You did it.

Good. That was good. Eric Biggs. All right. Oh, my goodness. This is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, I mean, I grew up

in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the comedy store. He's been a paid regular at the comedy store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very cerebral palsy episode. of Kill Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the comedy store

now lives in Austin. One of the funniest people out there. Make some noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester, make some noise for my pal dating. You guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy people. You've never had it blended together, you fucking cock-suckers. Some of you assholes are gonna ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy,

so I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is terrible? I'll tell you it's superpowers and large, Tallywacker, cock sucker, that's... People, you know, like, when people ask me how to spell it because everybody's inquisitive as fuck, does it look like I ever want a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school.

We had law mowing as a course, fucking dickhead, because they knew I was gonna fucking go to court sometime in my life. I don't know, man. Like, you, some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone for? telephone pole. As you go to work, you're like, man, I got six days of PTO, and I could just take this fucking light pole right now. If I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health, fuck him. Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going. Yeah, I'm going to keep going.

Just keep going. You know how you know it's a shitty job? When they tell you it's like your family. My family, my uncle is King Tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday. All right? If you ever talk to my uncle with a Batman RV and you'd be like, hey Dave, why don't you get your life together? He'll tell you he's fighting capitalism. And I think Batman lost it because he's fucking homeless. That's just... Do you want me to do some more time? Didn't really know I had cerebral palsy because I'm from a town where people watch parallel parking.

And yeah. I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had cerebral palsy till she came to a comedy show. She goes, Davey, I didn't know you had cerebral palsy. I was like, Shannon, what do you think I had? She goes, I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough. That's... David, you killed tonight, man, man.

Good to see you. This is what I love about this show, is that sometimes you pull out someone that's... A real white trash, no, like the fuck the fucking fucking with the bastard. Exactly. with the bath pro. But I heard that little fucking f***.

77 Fleetwood away from me, you son of a bitch. Like... I feel like cerebral palsy is like number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like... Yeah. It's not even a... Yeah, I mean...

Yeah. There's a lot of fucked up shit about me right now. That's why I'm on probation right now. You are? Yeah. Well, so... I decided to get, I was up in Minnesota and I went to go sit in my car

because I was a little drunk and then I had nine cops arrest me and like when you're getting arrested Jeff don't have the fuck it button in your head because I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket and I decided I was gonna eat them right in front of the fucking cop if I'm going to detox I'm going in there high

that's... Might as well enjoy it. Yeah. This is a master class with Dave I love Davey, you have your buttons mismatch. Yeah, you're- Oh, yeah. That is incredible.

Why don't you go fuck your... Tickets? Because Ari Maddie's, he, if I get that, he'll take me to the wellness clinic and fucking help me out. Like, I won't have cerebral pals anymore. I'd just be a downsy some bitchers. I don't think there's enough stem cells in the world to balance you out, baby.

No, I get you. I get you. I like seeing blind people. I don't trust you. you, but... Davey, you are on fire. What I love, I mean, I love Davey Wester. I mean, this guy was one of the door guys at the comedy store when I got there.

That's how safe it was. They had crippled people doing security. Exactly. It's a testament to the Times. This comedy store in 2007 was a dark, dark place with a lot of a very pessimistic. very pessimistic, negative people, and you were roommates with a lot of them, and you fucking...

Oh, please don't. Like, yeah. Oh, you want to talk about Cokehead. Okay. I mean, the crew was absolutely insane that you lived with. And meanwhile, you were always funny. Somehow you were almost always positive and optimistic in a very, very dark time.

And it meant the world to me and the guys that I started with that were, in our extremely early 20s starting out there. We always looked up to, believe it or not, we looked up to Davey as a big. That's a sad state of affairs when I'm a fucking hero. But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving.

You got out of LA and you've kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Texas. Well, me and Holtsman went to a rather Oh my God, can you imagine? Even if there weren't bulls there, I would go to the rodeo just to see what you

and Holzman were doing together. Well, it started off. What could go wrong? That's like OJ and Cosby sharing a cell together. Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought my apartment was this abortion clinic. Because that's what, and then he, I don't know. It was just crazy.

Holtsman bought a bunch of shit, yelled at me a bunch. He told me, he yelled at me for not having a handicap placard that I carry around. He thought he was gonna get good parking. Yeah. That's why he brought you. Oh, my God. Bring it!

He goes, everywhere we went, he goes, I have a handicap. I have a handicap. I have a handicap. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I almost fainted just then. Oh, God. I really picked. You're not... Tell these people, it's just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding.

No, all these stories are true so you can look it up. Go to Ephraida Washington and you'll be like, oh, this is what they look like. Just so you understand, Drew Mickens is from my area too. Yes. Yes. That is true. Anytime I see somebody, and I've blown a few people's minds like this. I'll be like, where are you from? They're like the state of Washington. And I notice if their eyes are ever not aligned,

like if they have one eye here and one eye there, I'll be like from near Euphrates and they're like, how do you know that? It always blows their minds. But they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington. Yeah, you just have to, like, you have to understand there's a nuclear plant, okay? Yeah.

I love it, Davey. I mean, you are just one of my favorite types of stories, because you know, you're not an actor, you're not a writer, you're not a this, you're not a sketch, you're not trying all these things, you're a fucking pure stand-up comedian, the kind of guy that I just love to drink with and hang out with and whatever, you know what I mean?

Eat mushrooms? Well, maybe. I don't think I could eat mushrooms with you, Davy. I kind of, I'm very, I'm highly sensitive already. The buttons thing alone would fuck me up the entire time. You know what? I'm trying my best. First thing I would do is I'd be like, Davy, get over here. Let me fix this for you. Take off his clothes.

I got a pair of overalls. It was very cheap. No, I tried the overall thing. That didn't really work out for me. What happened? Well, yeah, when you don't button those correctly, everything comes out. Yeah, and I'm fine with that. Davey, if you're in town, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. You are the fucking man, Davey Wester, and now the world knows about it. So cool that you signed up for this show.

Amazing. What an honor that you signed up for my crazy show. One more time for Davey Wester, everybody. It's been doing comedy, like at least 20 years. One of the first people I ever met in L.A. He's the man. He's the man. The original.

The original fucking Siree. cerebral palsy fucking super powerful comedian. Cleenser Heidi said. Yeah, the sage of the room to get your penises out from inside of you after staring at Davey Western for 10 minutes. Here's the lovely Heidi here to reset your testosterone levels, everybody. Go to Heidiregina.com. It's all good.

Oh, you got it. OK. There's a 50-50 shot out of it. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody? All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Victoria Lang. Victoria Lang, our third female of the night.

So I'm a poll dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper, and I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name, like Miss Honeybun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm dense, and after a couple bites, I really taste like Nichols. It's like a cup,

or a loose change. Yeah. I have a boyfriend, and he's a little bit of a freak, so he likes it. He's into this thing, it's called sounding. It's when you shove something in your dick. Yeah, at first I was like, too, I was like, but he makes this really cool noise.

He goes like this, eh, eh. It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go, eh, and the fucking fan. It's so beautiful. I've been calling him urethrofoam. Franklin and our relationship's been great. Our relationship's been great ever since. Thank you. All right, 55 seconds from Victoria Lang. Welcome to the show, Victoria. Thank you. Thank you for having me. It's your first time on, correct? How long you've been on stand-up?

Three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I'm from Connecticut slash New York. I do a lot of comedy over there. Okay. What part of Connecticut exactly? Like Hartford County. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There's a fun fact about Connecticut. Well, it is literally a freeway. The state is a freeway. There's a very, very, very extremely fancy part, Greenwich and around there. Where, of course, like, you know, the McMan's live and the WWE started. And then there's where you're from.

Right. Yeah, not over there. Tell us what it's like growing up in the Hood of Connecticut. It's like, it's the shit's got a lot of stuff going on over there. I mean, it's it. I would say we have the best comedy. I think in that part of Connecticut, you know. Oh, in Connecticut, you have the best part. You have the best comedy in Connecticut.

In that part, you know, because they're all kind of pieces of shit like me. Yeah, so they get me more. Right. Wouldn't you call yourself a piece of shit? What do you mean? What are some shitty things about Victoria Lang? Give us the dirt. Some shitty things about me?

Other than your nickel pussy. Yeah. I would say that one's pretty standout. That one's pretty standout. I'm kind of like a, I'm a little bit of a hater, self-admittedly. And I say a lot of things and I regret it immediately. I go, I regret that. When you, are you talking about like online or just like? No, in person, I'll be like, oh, that person's a fucking asshole. And then I go, oh, why did I say that type of thing?

Wow. Yeah. Has that ever backfired on you? Is it? Yeah, everybody hates me. I'm like Connecticut's most hated. So that's what happens. Wow. Incredible. But your boyfriend likes you. He loves me. How long have you been with him? I've been with him for two years and he's a comedian as well. So he gets it. You guys live here now? No, we're just visiting. Okay. Did he sign up as well? Yes.

Okay, we'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer. How long have you been pole dancing for? I've been pole dancing. You know, I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy, to put it that way. Okay. Yeah. All right.

So you fall a lot. Yeah, I'm falling. Yeah, yeah. But you make it to the top of the pole and the bottom of the pole? Yeah, sometimes. You're bipolar. Right. Do you ever straddle the microphone stand?

I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do kind of something like that, but I think I got... Tony made me nervous. No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't be nervous around me. What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself? That's correct.

Victoria, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Yes, I make comedy music. That's, I would say, my forte. Okay, that's your specialty. Yeah. Do you have a song in your head that you've written that's original to you? Yeah, I do.

Okay, what's it about? So I have a couple. I have one about storming the Capitol. Let's just do one. Okay. Okay. Just can't take it slow. You have one about storming the Capitol?

Yeah, and I have another one that I really love about dating while living at your parents' house. Which one do you think is the funniest? The one about dating, living at parents' house. Do you know what chord progression that is? Is that a DGAC? DGAC? It goes like this. Nna-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Something like that. Okay. I feel like if you play me kind of like a beat, like I can like follow it type of thing. Yeah, they got you. Yeah. What's the beat that you like? Boom.

It was like this. Yeah. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Here she is, ladies and gentlemen. Victoria Lang, everybody. Here we go. Give her a spotlight, Kino. This is perfect.

Thank you. All right, here we go. I woke up today in the pink room, In the pink room at the track. He's d'-UX, the text is from, I'm in the church when you're living at your mom's up today. He's dully text when I have a girl owe me my dick getting sucks, but not that much and now she's caught.

I can hear him foughtin through the walls cause I share it. Just don't look at the stain, look at it. Comedy song, that was just a good song. Yeah, it was an actually good song. Thank you, I wrote it. That's amazing. And I love how you directed the band.

I mean, this is that type of band that if you give them a thing, they are right there, they feel the energies, and just roll with it. And you, I've never actually seen anyone conduct them. Thank you. I have that lighter. They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible.

You're so ADD, you're talking about a lighter that's on the table right now. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing, Victoria. Comedy music is definitely your thing. Thank you. Yeah, that's great. You have more stuff available online or something?

Where can people find you at? At Victoria does comedy. There you go. Only fans also? Very funny. I used to have a Playboy account, but they took me offline because I wasn't making enough money. That happens.

That happens, Victoria. When all you can do is sing, that happens. But you are very talented. You really got lost in it. When you were sitting down, I was so impressed. When you're commanding the band, it's like a fucking, it's like a real, real treat to see somebody come in and start kind of shy.

And exactly, Jeff just said showmanship. I mean, you really came out. You know what I mean? And that was incredible. Congratulations. Victoria Lange. The set was okay, but after that amazing performance, you're leaving here with a big joke book.

Here you go. Thank you so much. All right, there you go. Sure. Do I leave now? What? What? What do I say?

You're gone. Oh. What the fuck? Thank you. Anything can happen here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a show filled with magic sometimes. Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pool of the night. Goes by the name of Eric McLaughlin, everybody.

I was at the airport yesterday. I was thinking, you could just point at anybody in here and yell, that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, right? They got to put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably going to put a finger in you after because you said that, which could be fun, like, if you're into that, that's like your thing.

You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now, you know? I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fucking check my ass. You imagine you do that all the time and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass? And then TSA is like, holy shit, that guy was gonna blow up the plane.

200 lives saved because of you. You're a fucking hero. And you'd be sitting there like, fuck, I don't think he's gonna check my ass. From beginning to end, Eric McLaughlin. Hello. Welcome, my husband. My friend, very funny.

How long you've been on stand-up? About a year and a half. Wow. Incredible. Where at? Here, I'm a local, yeah. Born and raised in Austin? Well, no.

I've been on the show before. I moved here when I was like 12. Wait, what? I moved to it when I was 12 years old. Oh, got it. Yeah, sorry. I thought you said you were on this show when you were 12.

No. No, not that. Amazing, amazing. Okay. Where were you at before you were 12? Just on a character. I was in California. Okay.

Yeah, San Jose. Nice. How old are you now? I'm 32. 32. Okay. What do you do for work? I, well, I sell mortgages, kind of.

All right. What do you mean? Kind of. Well, I mean, I'm not very good at it, so I've been doing, like, TikTok and Facebook and, like, content creation kind of lately. How's that going good? Is that profitable? Yeah, it's good.

I mean, you know, it's okay. Yeah, it's fun. It's good. I enjoy it. Cool. What else do you do content creation-wise? I do movie reviews mostly right now. It's kind of like a big thing.

Nice. Yeah. Can I have a cigarette? Sure. Yeah. Why not? I'm not going to give you a lighter, but you can have a second? No, I'm kidding.

What's a movie you've seen lately that was good? I watched Batman Begins last night. It's great. I mean, that's a 19, what is that? 91, 93? No, it's 2005 with... What? Batman Begins? Christian Bill. Batman Begins, 2005.

Am I lose it? Maybe it's like a fucking, is that like a... I saw it last night. Berenstein Bears thing? Look it up for me, just to... I thought Batman Begins was the Tim Burton one, but maybe that's just Batman, huh? Batman Begins? Yeah, I guess so. Batman Begins. Oh yeah, there it is, 2005.

Okay, well, what did you think about the 2005 classic Batman Begins? Batman begins. The unforgettable Batman begins, often confused for Danny DeVito is the penguin. It's good. It's pretty good. What a review. Yeah. Amazing.

Yeah, yeah. I saw one very recently called Heel. You want to see a crazy movie called. Go see Heel. Heel. H-E-E-L on Amazon. Heel? Is that a new movie? It is a new movie.

It's about a guy who gets trashed, really, really big party boy, and he gets taken hostage, putting somebody's basement, and I won't give anything else away, but it's a very interesting movie. Interesting. That's cool. Yeah, I'll put it in a list. I recommend Flo. There's not one word in the whole entire movie. Flo? Yeah. Do you like any of the Oscar picks, Marty Supreme? Not now?

That's all fucking absolute dog shit. Oh, really? Beyond all dog shit. We're not, yeah, we don't play that. Yeah, we can move on. But I will give one more. For those of you that can handle subtitles, I know that's not a lot of the Kill Tony fan base.

But if you can, check out a movie on Amazon called The Coffee Table if you want your heart to beat out of your fucking chest. Oh, there's one person that knows about it out there. One real fucking freak out there. Yeah, all right. It's a crazy movie. Gotta watch that one.

Coffee table? Yeah, the coffee table. Okay, yeah, that's, yeah. Found the list, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. What is your favorite movie that you've seen that you've reviewed that blew your mind? A newer movie.

To be honest, like, I feel like new movies kind of suck. I saw Castaway the other day. That was just amazing. Unbelievable. Any day you're gonna make it to fucking Pulp Fiction or Forrest Gump or Shawshank Redemption. Yeah, those are good, too. What made you watch Castaway out of nowhere?

It was on Netflix. Red Band pointed out a good one while we're in fucking movie mode for the first time in our 13-year history, because we did have this conversation. I avoided Demi Moore's The Substance because I thought it would automatically be a chick flick because it's just Demi Moore's face and all the promos. But if you want to really fucking go for an insane ride, the substance. Jesus. Incredibly watchable.

I have seen that. You have seen that. Did you see the substance, Jeff? You got to see this movie. It's fucking nuts. Well, it's about the, I guess, the... The overall principle of the movie is it's about like trying to preserve your beauty and the sacrifices that you would make to do that could cost you the opposite effect on the back end. So a temporary look now for a instant gratification now for a nightmare situation perhaps later.

Great review. Yeah. Did you see Song Sung Blue? That was really good. Uh-uh. Is that a Japanese movie? No. It was like Hugh Jackman and and-

Song Song Song Blue, I believe is one of our golden tickets. It winners. Song, song, blue. It's about Neil Diamond impersonators, but it's really good. Oh, cool. Yeah. And, you know, Kate Hudson. Hugh Jackman.

Hugh Jackman. Very good movie. I'm just watching Eric smoke the first cigarette of his life over there. It's a really nice club. I didn't want to ash on your wall. There's an ashtray. There's an ash tray right there. Oh, yeah.

There it is. Hold it like he's French or something. Yeah. I do a movie review. Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps you've seen La mayonnaise starring Pepe Lape deux. That's pretty good.

Yeah. It's like he's like waiting for Conan O'Brien. I don't know. Eric, what else have you done with your life? Tell us something else. Um, oh. Oh, I tried to sell my shit last year. That was something interesting.

What did you sell? Well, like, shit, like actual poop. Oh, wow. Yeah, there's a website. Barry the lead, why, don't you? No, there's a website called the Human Biome Project, and they pay, like, 180 grand a year to buy your poop. So I signed up to, like, donate or whatever, and it's, like, a real thing.

They pay you money for your poop, and they put it, like, in a pill because it, like, helps with bacteria for other people. It's, like, a whole thing. Did you get... You got money for this? No, I just... I applied, and I didn't get it. Do you have to send them your poop to apply?

So it's a weird process. Like the first part is you do an IQ test, which I thought was weird. Uh, I passed that, thank God. And then the next part you send them photos. That's where I failed because I had diarrhea on the last day, so. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Crohn's disease or someone like that.

No, I don't have that. No, no, it's for Crohn's disease. Oh yeah, maybe. I just wanted the money. Yeah. Amazing. So other than selling shit, what else have you done with your life, Eric?

Red Band's like new merch idea. That's corny. Another poop joke. Red Band, our senior poop correspondent. Eric, tell us one more fun fact about your life. Man, am I interesting? I'm Brazilian. I mean, that's a big one.

I told you that last time. I'm a Brazilian guy, which is kind of interesting. I go there every year to see family, and it's just fun being white in Brazil and speaking Portuguese. You get to go to Brazil often? I do. Yeah, I go every year to see my family, and that's kind of... Do you ever feel like you're going to be kidnapped or taken for money? That's a big, big deal over there, am I correct? No, it's not Mexico. It's like a little nicer, I mean, it's...

Are you in the... Are you in a specific gated white part of Brazil? Brazil is famous for kidnapping and trying to take hostage white people? No, there are places like that in Brazil. Yeah, it's called Brazil. That's the place in Brazil in which that's a thing. What are you? The head of tourism over there or something?

Hey, I'm just, you know, trying to represent as all. But it is a second most dangerous country in the planet right behind Afghanistan. Wow, there it is. Yeah, it's not Mexico. You're right. You're right. It is dangerous. But they do like, they separate people, which is bad.

But also, I mean, I'm in the nicer parts, which is good. There you go. I had a feeling. It took a while to get there, but there it is. I don't know what you're talking about, Tony. Brazil is so nice. Yeah, you're right. All right.

What's your dating life like? Not really dating. I mean, I got into the apps every now and then. I kind of hit around and then see what's up. But I'm not really, like, actively getting out there. What about you? Thank you. Thank you.

Way to change the subject there. Last date you went on. What was that like? It wasn't really a date. She just sort of came over, which was cool. Mm-hmm. That was fun. But that was around September.

That was the last time. She just hit me up. She was drunk. She was like, what are you doing? And she was like, you want to go out? And I'm like, no. I'm at home watching a movie. And she was like, well.

Wow, Batman begins. Here's a medium-sized joke book. It's all I have left. There he goes. Eric McLaughlin. Actually, switch that. They'll give you a big joke book on your way out. Give them a big one.

Trade that medium for a big. All right, since we were running a little ahead of time, ladies and gentlemen, I decided for one last bucket pull, huh? Put your hands together for Jonathan Jeregan. We'll make this one quick, no matter what happens. We've got to keep it moving. Jonathan Jeregan is your final bucket pull of the night. What's going on?

Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show? I just stopped wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dommer. Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the Friend Zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big office.

First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. I'm just like, this dude has a girlfriend. What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have the most commanding person. If I were like in a biker gang, it would be sons of Applebee's.

Like going out of a date with me is so cold. It's how it feels a two five gum. But y'all been, we'll just end it there. Thank you very much. I'm Jonathan Jernigan. There it is. Solid set from Jonathan. Jernigan. Welcome to the show, Jonathan. Who's Jerniggin.

It's what? Jernigan. Jernigan. Okay. So then your ends look like ours. Yeah. All right. There you go. Jonathan Jernigan.

So Jonathan. What's up? Where are you from? Houston. How long have you been doing stand-up? It would be eight years in August? Okay. Cool.

How long have you been named Jernigan? For a long, my whole life. What are the Jernigan's like? What are your parents like? What's the family? Well, my dad was an ex-hipy, and then my mom is unfortunately no longer with us. What happened to mom?

Oh, she had cancer. Hell yeah. I kept pointing the TV remote at her, but... That'll do it. That'll do it. So when you say your dad's an ex-hippie, what do you mean exactly? Well, he used to have, like, really long hair

and played chess, but now he doesn't. What made him kind of snap out of it, you think? Uh, my mom dying. Oh, all right. But... Okay. So what is dad... How's dad keeping it together now? How long ago to Mom die?

I want to say, like, eight years ago. Okay, has your dad moved on? Has he gotten a new lady yet? No, no, but we're trying to get him to move on, but, I mean... It's tough. Yeah. You have a lot of brothers and sisters? I have one brother.

Okay, older, younger? Younger. All right. What does he do? He, like, does, like, financial analysis. What do you do for work? I teach painting. You teach painting.

You make a living doing that? Not really. Oh, wow. How are you surviving? I live at home. Amazing. With dad. Oh, yeah, with dad.

Okay. It's less embarrassing now that my mom's dead. Right. Exactly. It makes it seem like you're there supporting him. Well, like,

according to the TLC rules, I'm technically not a scrub anymore. Very good. Very good. It's important to follow the TLC rules. Don't be a scrub and don't go chasing waterfalls. Brian Redback.

Are you, so are you a pretty good artist? Like, what kind of paint do you are... It's acrylic. And I mostly teach, like, new painters. So it's like, you sign up for a night and like you with a date and you get drunk and you paint and stuff. That's cool.

You get a lot of paint pussy. Not really. I don't try because I feel creepy if I try to like hit on the guests and I try to like being employed. Oh, yeah. But other than that. Amazing. Where can people find your art at Mr. Journey? I wish I don't paint that often.

Oh, wow. Quite the, quite the salesman. Yeah. Okay. I've been focusing harder on comedy. Nice. Yeah. You're very, very good at it.

Thank you. Keep it up. Sign up again sometime, Jonathan Jernigan. Good to see. We're at the end of the episode, so we're going to keep it moving. Thank you so much. Sign up again. Jonathan Jernigan, a funny man.

Get him a big joke book. There we go. I ran out a big joke book. It's been such a good episode when I ran out of big joke books. All right. Everybody, we've made it to the final part of the show. William Montgomery is sick. Ari Maddie.

is adding Monday shows to his sold out weekends on the road, taking full advantage of the kill Tony bump while not showing up for the thing that made him so famous. But luckily for you guys, we have one more superstar that's on the super rise, everybody. Every single week, this guy does more than a minute. It's amazing to watch. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta,

and now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the rising star, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to y'all. I got some beef for Austin, Texas. I don't wanna be the dark storm of Austin, Texas, no more how y'all been treating me. Because right now, I'm homeless,

and I'm the richest homeless nigga in Austin, Texas. I applied for three houses to move into, and one of the houses texting me, no matter what pay stubs, I sent them. I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, your credit is bad. What the landlords want is for you to write an essay

about why your credit is bad and what you intend to do about it. Nigger, this is the essay. I was poor. That's why I moved here, bitch. Did you look at anything? Did you Google me at all? I was home.

homeless before, but you want me to write a... Nigger, that feel like slavery to me. You want me to write you an essay about why I was poor and why my... Nika, credit wasn't real, and it's still not to me. I don't need credit. I'm making the money. But they want me to write them an essay. That shit is...

What the fuck is Austin, Texas doing? You want me to write you an essay so I can stay in a house you don't want to the... live in no more. You want me to live in there and then pay you money to live. That shit, let me be homeless. Let me be homeless because honestly, I miss my homeless dick package that I used to give women. I used to fuck good as fuck when I was homeless. I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless because you had to fuck a girl so good that she go to sleep. Rich nigger dick for fucking six months, which is mostly like, I'm too tired.

I just did s-h-h-a-niggin' ain't got nowhere to go. I'm gonna fuck you whenever the fuck you want to. I'm doing moves. I never even thought possible. Leg up, sideways. I want to get back to that package. And I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was home.

How to fold clothes when I was homeless. Normally, I just wash clothes, I put them on a bed, and then I sleep on it because my bed is too hard. That's my time. I love y'all. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Deep, deep and true. It's some insight into the true life of Dedrick Flynn.

Does she hurt my... I thought, because I was in Texas, right? And I was a killed Tony... That's what I put on the application. Kill Tony Regular. Let me in. Yeah. I'm making enough money to buy the house.

Yeah. But they told me my credit was too bad, and they wanted to... Nick, I've never written an essay for pussy. You want me to write an essay so I can live in your house? Fuck Austin, Texas right now. Did they know... Did they... well, I guess your name on the application was Dedrick. So you think it has anything to do with the possibility

that perhaps you were... No, Dedrick is a German name. German chocolate. Yeah, hey, come on. I put Dedrick Flynn on there, and I thought they would just Google me and be like, that's okay. Yeah. Well, we found out recently, you call it a heavy debit card.

You don't even have a credit card. credit cards. No, I have a heavy debit card right now, red man. White dad, don't treat me like this in front of the fucking credit card. White dad, I did everything I could not just. Also to ask me why I was poor before as if you never heard a rap song, that's what happened. Listen to Gucci. Listen to fucking Youngdolph.

Listen to fucking Meek Mill. I was poor and now I'm not. That's the end of it. That's every rap song that started. Why you act like this is the first? This is the first time we've ever heard of a black person making his dreams come true. Dedrick, this is true. Have you been selling...

The chains are looking a little tight tonight. Have you been selling links of your gold chain for the down payment of this house? It's starting to look like you're a pit bull or something like that. You already look like you've earned a pit bull. I'm a stray dog. You look like... I went back to being a stray dog. All I do is push-ups.

I'm a pit bull. Like, I'm a good boy. but I'm a bad dog. You know that, Tony. Absolutely. Like, I'm a good boy. Everybody loves, they want to pet me, but I'll buy the kid. That is true. How dare, look, what the fuck? I have so much gold on. Is this house that you put, that you're applying to?

Does it happen to be a dog house? It's not even nice. It's not even asked me the audience ever written an essay to rent a place. There are a couple other black people out there. I see them. They all raised their hands at once. They're all back here. It's just DMAS.

Don't play with me. I was trying to read out. Either play it or don't. Dendrick, what else is going on in life? Anything else crazy? I just want to say right now that officially I'm the Dark Storm of Chicago. I just sold out four shows out of five in Chicago, and I had a fucking great time out there.

That was fucking fantastic. Fantastic. I'm so mad. Yeah, Zanis. They were ripping. So much fun. They told me they sold the most alcohol they've ever sold in the last three years for my five shows. Little fun fact about Zanies.

I've headlined there probably somewhere six, seven, eight, nine, ten times or whatever. But at one point, I opened up there for Jeffrey Ross. I was just a measly opener. Yeah, they looked at me while I'm looking at your fucking, they look, my roommate texting me being like, hey, They want an essay while I'm looking at your fault. I hate touring, because every time I go somewhere, you're there, and I can see you watching me. So I'm like, I can't do bad.

Tony Hensclips is right there on the wall. I am. And I just can't do no bad. That's what... It happens. Nick of fuck Austin. How the fuck? You can't hate on the city of Austin, by the way.

Yes, I can't. No, that nowhere... Go see if Chicago's going to sell you a nice house without an essay. They asked me to write an essay. I looked at it. Uh. That's just, no, it was 33 degrees outside when I left and I got here and it was 91. I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be.

Pro tip, Dedrick. Don't write them an essay. Send them your upcoming schedule. You can literally get your agents to like compile a thing that says like what you're doing. I did. And they wanted why my credit score was bad. As if they've never heard a dream come true. That's true.

It happened. They wanted me to write an essay so they get. could jack off with their racist ass. They want to be like, oh, that nigger's poor. Now he living in my house. Create an LLC and have the LLC. I have an LLC in the escort, Red Band. You help me make it.

LLC. Yeah, he's got littler and littler chains. That's the LLC he's got. It's called both these LLC. Those things are shrink. Either those are shrinking or your neck is growing in real time. You're having an alert to reaction. I'm doing the pushups, because these niggis on line want to fight.

Dedrick, we love you. Everybody loves you, Dedrick Boyle. The richest homeless man in Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, if you've ever listened to anything I tell you, I implore you. Go to Netflix now that the episode is over and watch Take a Banana for the Ride. And without a doubt, as you know, make sure you watch The Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10 live on Netflix. Anything can happen. Maybe someone trips up the stairs or fucking whatever.

Throws the shock glass on the ground and glass flies everywhere. It's as live as it gets. On Netflix. It's going to be a lot of fun. Thank you, Giltony. Thank you, Redband. Give it up for these incredible musicians tonight. Yeah.

Tony, I love you. I love you. Letting me be a part of your crazy world. Yeah, I love you. You're the fucking man. One more time for the great Jeff Ross. This episode is been brought to you by Shopify. Novice and ZipRecruiter.

Let's check in with the local artist Chris Rogers, see what he drew. It's Jeff Ross, everybody. Hell yeah, that's absolutely incredible. I can let you know that indeed, you still have a chance, perhaps, of getting tickets for Kill Tony, WrestleMania, Las Vegas, Nevada. It's an absolute incredible hybrid of your favorite,

fucking, the greatest fucking entertainment. Two of your favorite entertainment sources, WWE and KT, all together at once. Madison Square Garden is now on sale for early August in New York City. And we're doing the Intuit Dome. And that's May 7th, I do believe. And then the 8th, 9th, 10th.

Yeah, I think it's the 7th. Thursday, May 7th at the Intuit Dome. The week of the Netflix is a joke. Week, which ends with the roast of Kevin Hart, Red Band. San Diego. I'll be there at July 9th through 11th. Bring it some friends, Americancomityco. Thank you to our sponsors. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land

for Jeff Ross, take a banana for the ride. Right now, every single one of you, go watch it, keep it on, let it run all the way to the end for his retention ratings. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.