KILL TONY - #764 - JELLY ROLL + THEO VON

Episode Date: April 14, 2026

Theo Von, Jelly Roll, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, DMadness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White,Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 03/30/2026 Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for FREE with promo code TONY - just visit https://bluechew.com  Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it FOR FREE at https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Fernando Castillo, Raulva Hayo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, nachos, Belgarande, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Make some fucking noise with the band. John Dees on the Keys. And this right here is Dee Madness Live in the Flesh, ladies and gentlemen. This episode of the world's number one live podcast is brought to you by Shopify, Talk Space, Prize Picks, and Quo.

What an amazing show we have for you. You guys excited to be here. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's show possible. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly, 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. to speak to an advisor. Free of charge, BetMGEM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Every time I show, me and my comedian friends,

we're all telling true and really terrible stories. Into a toddler's face. Wild face sometime. Perip, regretful. Every STD. Horrible. I'm gonna fuck you up.

An amazing story. We just got started. I'm gonna stop the terrace. You're in trouble. That's reality, huh? This don't be a good night. It's gonna kill us all. I'm about to be a fuck.

We should be in jail. Hey man, are you okay? I actually do well. You don't fucking talk to me, okay? I'm the disciple of the Lord. Now you miss the spot. How did I get here? How did this happen?

That's a good question. You guys ready to start the show? You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single episode I book. And this one is very, very special. Two of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. One is one of the biggest comedians in the world, the other one of the biggest musicians in the world. Two of my favorite human beings, two of your favorite human beings.

One has a brand new movie coming out this Friday. The other one just won a shit ton of Grammys and every award, humanly possible known to man. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kiltony. I present to you Theo Vaughan and Jelly Roll. Going down, ladies and gentlemen. Theo Vaughan's new movie Bus Boys out this Friday, April 7th. Jelly Roll and IA. Together are doing the Greek theater in Los Angeles May 8th and he's here in Austin on April 23rd. How cool is that? We have some big plans for the future. Theo, you're the fucking man. Welcome back to Kill Tony. Yeah, thanks for having me. Nice to see everybody.

Happy evening. Yeah, man, I'm excited to be here and yeah, excited about the movie coming out this week. So that's that was something. Yeah. So, um, Definitely, I'm a little bit nervous, but I am excited, and that's what I'm doing. We are very excited to have you here. Go out and see the movie Bus Boys in theaters. If you do, more comedians, like Theo, will be able to make their own movies without the big giant studios and all this crap and people in the way, and it can happen more often. We'll get back to making real comedies that you can go see in movie theaters.

Wouldn't that be great? Thank you, guys. Go, Theo, go! Yeah, we made it ourselves, so we'll see how it is. It's better than a lot of bad shit. That's right. Theo's been on the show numerous times. Jellyroll has been a musical guest multiple times,

but it's Jelly's first time on panel tonight, everybody. This is the first thing he's done since the Grammys. Yes, longtime listener, first time caller. I love it. Well, let me just remind all of you about 250 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. not going to get through all of them, but if we get through any one of them, they get 60 seconds on this stage to attempt stand-up comedy. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up. Then, or also eventually they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which just interrupts their set. I conduct an interview. The entire thing is improvised. Anything could happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we're going to start the show with one of the regulars on the show. That means this young man has the very, very tough job of writing and performance.

a brand new minute every single week on this show. Not easy at all. It scares a lot of people the thought of that. And he does it and above and beyond every week. Starting off tonight's show, he's formerly the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Did y'all know that a company can buy your debt from somebody else?

Jefferson Capital emailed me, and they said, hey, we bought your debt from Sprint. You owe us money now. No, nigger, you bought it. That's yours now. If I leave a dog outside and you adopt the dog, it's not on me to feed the dog, right? That's not America.

That's your debt now. I know Sprint, nigger. I don't know you. I know Sarah as Sprint. Sarah know why I couldn't pay and why I was putting something on it. Jefferson Capital, nigga, I can't even Google y'all. I'm never gonna, what the,

what kind of a stupid-ass company by debt from other people? Niggas that go online and they feed the homeless on HD cameras? What kind of shit? You think I'm gonna, nigger, I see Sprint commercials every day, and I go, oh them niggas, they'll never see it. you come to me like Jesus

didn't even when Jesus paid for our sins that nigga never sent me an email being like the adultery that you made like that's my time I'm dead Wow he's done it again

a brand new minute 30 working overtime Dedrick Flynn how fucking awesome is that that's fucking you have another one you never take a week off never

And you just keep doing it. Every time I bring you out, I get a little more nervous each time, and I have nothing to be afraid of. You got to let that shit go, Donnie. I don't duck no smoke. I want to come out here and rip every single fucking time. I absolutely love it, Dedrick. Buying debt is something that happens,

yet I've never heard anyone joke about it. Fantastic new material. Absolutely incredible. I'm trying not to cry right now, my bad, Tony. Just, just... Jelly. Nick. Black people love sweets.

Yeah. We do. We do. We do. Did you dye your hair? Oh. So it looks like shit on purpose. All right.

Come on. I'm not doing that. That's a joke. I don't wrote. Be nice, Dedrick. Be nice to the guest, Dedrick. I'm sorry. Dedrick's like a pit bull.

Jelly, jelly roll. It mean a lot for me to see you tonight because you do songs of one of my best friends that told me to start doing comedy. Teddy Swims. And we were both just two broke motherfuckers in Southside Atlanta. He told me to start doing comedy.

I told him to start doing a band. And now look at both of us, he live in our fucking dream. The dad's shit is crazy to me. Teddy is the homie, homie, too. I love you, Teddy, baby. Yeah, Teddy! That's bad. How do you become friends with Teddy swims

since you can't? We... It's not my fault. I can't. I just never had the opportunity. when I wanted to learn. Because you only want to learn swimming at the early ages. After that, it's

just drowning or not drowning. Right. And so that, but he wasn't swimming. He was just Teddy when we was growing up. It was always like Teddy and Daddy. Like, it was my homeboy. Because when I met, he was Jaden. And then he went by Teddy, and then it was always

like Teddy and Daddy coming out. And, like, in South Side. We were always, like, running around with the same cruise and stuff like that. But he was just singing, like, just like, open mic karaoke. And I was like, bro, you have the best voice I've ever heard in my life.

You need to do something with it. And when I said that, he said, you're the funniest person ever met. You need to do something with it. So that's what honestly. It kept me going through signing up for Killetony 39 times. It's just like, the day I got picked, when I walked out of the Uber, they were playing loose control.

And I was crying and being like, if my best friend can make it, I can make it too. We drank the same water. We ate the same food. Yeah. We fucking grub in there. It's just a beautiful fucking thing. Sounds like a jelly roll award acceptance speech happening.

Testify. He testified. He didn't give me. He gave us a little Jesus. He gave us a little Jesus. Yeah, I gave a lot more Jesus than that. I said, we was in South Atlanta. We were sitting over there with nowhere to go.

Drinking the four locals with the caffeine in it. Not a little bit. You got the show started yet again. Unbelievable work, and it has begun. And now, And now we begin the amazing adventure. In to the bucket we go. This is where anything can happen.

Could be the next great talent. Could be the next crazy person that signed up for the show without preparing. Anything can happen. Make some noise to your first bucket pull of the night. Michael A. Keeson, everybody. Michael A. Keezen. You know how embarrassing it is to be named after a Batman

and having to hobble out here like the penguin? Oh man, it's, like it's an interesting life. Like, so many people, like, they assume that they don't know what my politics are going to be. Just, they're like, look at this guy. It's like, he has to lean right. You guys are fun. I became a homeowner recently. Yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you.

It's a rab four. Oh, man. I live in it, so it's more of a rab fort, okay? I'm getting older in my life. Like, you know, I've gotten to the point. I think, like, my favorite candy now or cough drops, you know? They're just menthol-flavored jolly ranchers, you know?

I've hit the point in my life where it's, like, I'm pretty sure the only reason I masturbate is for prostate health, you know? Like, my partner walks in on me. It's like, what are you thinking about it? I'm just sitting there, like, cancer. Yeah, thank you. Oh, yeah. Michael A. Keatson.

This is your Kiltzoni debut, correct? Yes. I'd remember if I've seen you before. Theo, what do you think about this guy? Yeah, I think. I think it's great. Sorry, that's just a reaction. Let me think what I think.

No, I think it's crazy to have a wooden leg and look like a guy who could make a wooden leg. Yeah, you do have cobbler energies. There's no doubt about it. Oh, man, thank you. What's your injury? A lot of them, actually. Okay.

Like, you know, it's like I've got snap fashion one foot, like, you know, like spinal injury, shoulder scarring, a bunch of things. How did this all happen to you? Are you in sports or something? I did heavy, heavy manual labor for a long time. What kind of manual labor? Probably building data centers. Absolutely.

No, I threw mattresses for a while, and after that, I worked in a flour mill throwing flour bags and whatever else they needed. Wow. Amazing. What? What were you at a bakery? Oh, no. Who was asking you to do that?

I'm sorry, Tony. No, it's good. But who was asking you to do that? Oh, like, whoever managed the flower mill? Your partner, Luigi? Yes. No, he was jumping around too much. Hell yeah.

How old are you? 41. You look great, man. Thank you. Yeah. What do you do now? I limp. All right, like, I'm on a disability.

Okay. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. How long you've been doing stand-up? You know that shit, bro. How many people? How many people in your neighborhood was getting that wobble check? Ha ha ha ha.

Motherfucking, bro. They fucking used to tape one of my buddies' eyes closed till it didn't work and then they got that check on him, bro. Everybody was getting that dummy check. And he could have just threw flour bags. Yeah. Wow. Sorry. Carry on. But yeah.

But yeah, about six years. About six years. We've been doing stand-up. Where out? Kansas six years. Okay, that's where you live. Yep. What made you set up camp in Kansas City? I was born and raised.

Yeah, it's... Okay. You have family there still? Absolutely, yes. Your family loves you. I hope. What ethnicity are you? I'm white.

And what made them name you Michael, if your last name's Keaton. Did they just think it was funny or something? I was born before that guy was famous. That's not even his real name. His real name is Michael Douglas. He's 41. You're 41? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Mom was out, right? Mr. Mom, yeah, it was a huge movie. Yeah, your parents are fucking with you. Michael Keaton was one of the most famous people exactly when you were born. Right? They don't exactly have their thumb on the pulse, man.

Right. Okay, all right. So what do you do for fun, Michael E. Keaton? You have any hobbies? You look like the kind of guy that has a... a wild collection of denim hats or something like that? I can only afford the one. No, I pretty much at this point, it's just stand-up.

Like, I did music for a long time, but I've got nerve damage in my hand, so I had to give that up. You were playing guitar or whatever? Yeah. Did you sing when you did music as well? No, no, no. Like, I have terrible, like, anxiety.

Like, coming to the microphone is, like, a big deal for me. How much nerve damage you got? Good question. Everybody's wondering, I'm gonna ask it. Like, can you shuffle cards or whatever, or how much you talk? Oh, I don't... Like, enough I had to quit playing. It was, yeah.

I'm sorry, man. It's fine, like, you know, this is way more fun. Yeah. What can you do that you're grateful that you can still do? Yeah, that's a good question. Uh, eat. Okay. Yeah, it is.

Oh, another eat and disabled person, huh? Yeah. So how'd you end up in Austin, Texas tonight? You come down for this or like? Yeah, like there's only so much opportunity in Kansas City. I came down to, like, you know, check out the scene. I really like the people here. Did you drive or take a bus?

Yeah, I live in a car. You live in a car? Yeah, the rat four thing was real. Okay. Amazing. Well, that's fun. You sleep in the back seat or do you tilt back the driver's seat? I built a bed in the back. Wow, look at you. Fuck Palace.

You ever bring a girl back to the rap for? It would destroy it. It would what? It would destroy it. Well, it depends on how big she is. Yeah. I'm big enough. Fair.

Yeah. And do you lay in there, and if you ever lay in there and listen to jelly roll, you listen to some jelly roll up in there? You know, oh. That was the question I had. Do you know any Tech Nine songs? Yeah. Like, I'm a big fan of your.

So if I go, K-C-mo. Oh. Respect. All right, I fuck. All right, respect. Just short enough of a song that we don't get dinged by YouTube. Perfect.

Michael A. Keaton, fun times. You did it. You got through it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Michael A. Keaton, ladies and gentlemen. And we're going to keep it moving along. Hell yeah.

There's the lovely Heidi and Val, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. Whoa. It's going to be the most watched part of the episode right there. Have a one more time for Heidi and Val. Their podcast, Love on the Line, available at Heidiorgina.com, and the show goes on. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Toccovas.

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We know her. Funny lady goes by the name of Sherry Besici, everybody. Sherry Besiegi. Thank you. Oh, my God. Did you guys see that homeless woman with her tits hanging out on 6th Street? Yeah, wearing a mask. Yeah, I said, what are you, a Democrat?

So I am originally. I am originally from Iran, Nebraska. Yeah. I was at the airport, and I don't know if you've seen that sign that says no guns allowed in the airplane. Yeah, you know, that same sign in the Middle East reads, no stones allowed in the airplane. But AK-47 is okay, because those virgins can get out of control. I got guns in my head, and it won't go. Spheres in my head, and it won't go.

I got guns. And then another sign right under that that reads, Not Responsible for Lost Lems. I got guns in my head and it won't go. Oh, you missed the stone. Oh, you missed me. All right, Sherry. Thank you.

Welcome back, Sherry. Theo. Yeah, you know, I was wondering what had happened to MIA. You look lovely. And I, yeah, I like a lot of the stuff. stuff and yeah and I am I am honestly tickled to see you it's amazing Sherry remind us how long you been to stand-up this may will be three years three years and you are Iranian correct yes so how do you feel about everything

that's happening here let's be honest here Sherry let's get on it yeah Sherry tell us the truth how do you feel about us lighting up your country Well, I think they're doing it for the freedom. That is true. That's what we'd say. Yeah, exactly. But does it feel like that's what's happening? Or does it feel like, what's happening now? It's blowing up in my ass now.

It's for the right reasons. And I think there's always going to be casualty when, you know, where you're trying to do that. This is 47 years in the making. So I'm excited for the freedom that's about to come. Yes, without a doubt. See, that's what happens when you check in with a real Iranian. Instead of the local news.

Right. And you visited there, you go there sometimes? My immediate family's here after my mom passed away. I just no longer had a reason to go back. Right. How did your mom pass away? No, my grandma. My mom is here.

Yeah. Who killed her, you're saying? If it's Israel, it's Israel. Yeah. My mom's alive. She's still alive? My mom is. Grandma. We're asking about grandma. She died natural causes. Natural causes. I am sitting down.

Okay. So, Sherry, where do you live now, Austin? Yeah. And you just do stand up for a living? I'm not doing it for a living, but I would love to. But so what do you do for a living? I do paralegal work from home. Okay. Yeah. Very cool. It's very convenient. Paralegal? Yeah. Pair airplanes hit our towers a few years ago from people like you. Guilty as charged. Remember that? I love it.

Sherry, what do you do for fun? Tell us all what you do for fun. Not much. I mean, I need to put myself out there and start dating, but just keep... You are an Iranian mountain cougar. A very rare bird around these... I like tall white younger men. Yeah, let's not forget about that.

You like younger men, right? Yeah. Wow. Whoa. Whoa there. But I did just recently join a Middle Eastern dating app. Yeah, it's called... Uh-oh.

Yes, whoo! Amazing. You're adorable, Sherry. Last date you went on. What was that like? What? The last date that you went on. Last time you hung out with a man.

Last time you let someone into your sandpit. It was weird. We had interest, and we kissed, and then I kind of waited and waited, and he waited. And it feels like the interest just kind of dissipated. Like if you don't move on it, there's a window that opens and then it closes, so you got to move fast. Yes, absolutely.

And this bitch is old, so I didn't move fast enough. That's okay. Yeah. What are you saying? No I'm saying, that's okay. Yeah. You're fine. He's probably fine wherever he is.

Yeah. I don't know. Fuck him, to be honest with you. But he's probably a great guy. Yeah. So I'm gonna sit back down Where'd you guys make out at In a car at your place?

No, just whatever show that we were doing at the end We kiss and then we kissed again And sometimes we kiss. Okay. Yeah, look at that. That's good. Incredible, absolutely. Sherry, any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting?

Digging and digging, there's just not... It's the craziest thing you have in your refrigerator. What's the greatest thing? craziest thing you have in your refrigerator that we would find odd. Like me, right now, at this very moment, I have pickled carrots, pickled jalapenos, pickled pickles pickles. There's a pickling guy at the local farmer's market, and I have a lot of pickled things in my fridge, an odd amount of pickled things. Now it's your turn. Soy chicken.

It's good. Soy sauce on chicken? Let's check in with our senior refrigerator correspondent jelly roll. Fake. Did you say soy chicken or sole chicken? No, soy chicken like fake chicken. Oh, I thought you said soul chicken. I thought you said sword chicken. Yeah, I thought she said sword chicken.

Like sword fish. No, soy. What's your, uh... All chicken is sole chicken, right? All right. All right. What's your favorite kind of music? My favorite kind of what? Music.

Music. Oh, house music. Whoa. Look at that. Whoa. Wow. Oh shit. Oh my goodness. All right, that's enough. Okay, that's enough. That's enough. Sherry, fun times. You did good.

You're leaving here with a brown joke book just like you. Boom. Whoa, good pet Sherry. Thank you. Wow. She made eye contact with me on that catch. Theo. He was a sweet boy. Makes some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together.

It's Ethan Griggs, everybody. Ethan Griggs. How we doing? Man. The end of the day, I'm just a hick-ass farmer from Cattle Mills, Texas. And the thing about this, if you know anything about farmers, and the only reason they have kids is to, like, carry on the farm and the cheap farm labor. Well, I was an only child and a fuck-up at that.

So when my dad died, that's why the farm fell, and I'm out here doing comedy. that up too. It's crazy though. We were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection. And here's the thing. I used to buy my dad porn. So I've already seen a third of this collection and I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this collection. I'll be damned if I'm going to rehab for masturbation addiction. That's like getting cancer from vaping. That's just fucking embarrassing. Like, can't even raise my hand because it's busy. Like, shit. But I'll tell you what, though, I don't...

I don't think... I don't think I'll make it in stand-up comedy, though. Man, I had a very untromatic childhood. Like, I didn't get molested because I wasn't in the church or the Scouts. And the only relative that might have molested me was too busy fucking goats to give me the time of day. I can't compete with sheep's pussy, nor it I want to.

I guess that's my time. I heard a little meow, so... All right. Right on. Our second preacher of the night. Yeah. Ethan Griggs. Exactly. Welcome.

Is this really jelly roll? Holy shit, man. Hey, nice to meet you. I felt the same way when you walked up, I was like, my people are here. Hell yeah, don't. And then you started talking about being poor and drug addiction.

I was like, this is my kind of guy. Hell yeah. And then you said you bought your dad porn and I was out. Fuck, yeah. Good to meet you, sir. Killer said. Thank you, sir.

I appreciate that. Hell yeah. Welcome. Where is Cattle Mills, Texas? This is about an hour northeast of Dallas. How long you've been trying stand-up? Collectively, five years. Like, I did it a little bit before the pandemic,

and I got back into it about 20-23, started taking it seriously. So now I'm here, I guess. Theo. Yeah, you look great. I like, I'm happy to see you. Oh, thank you. Oh, shit.

Theo Vaughn's here, too. Motherfucker, yeah, I was right here. Damn, you fucking really are. That's dumb, dude. I am. I never seen no money before in cattle mills. I'm not used to seeing nobody of any status whatsoever. I'm not.

Shit. Nobody molests me. I don't get to see celebrities. What do you do for work? I'll tell you what he does. He's a sorcerer. He's a fricking... He's a rural businessman.

He looks like he sells used karma. That's pretty much close. Very close. I work in a Circle K, actually. Do you really? Yeah. Fuck yeah. I love it there.

Hell yeah. You look like the kind of customer that will come in at Circle K. Yeah. We used to spend time in that bitch. We wouldn't just come in and just do our shit in dip. We would come in and spend time with you. We would have the parking lot of ones. Most people just don't know how to fucking leave.

Like they'd be in there for 30 minutes just figuring out how to work the coffee machine. Do they hang out in the parking lot too? Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Well, the other night somebody shut the fucking pumps off and shit. It fucked me all kinds of up. I didn't know what the hell was going on. It's like, why the hell you put this shit out in the front?

You know, any motherfucker can touch it. And they got a lot of gay dudes running up in there, too. They do. No, I almost saw. They do. I almost saw a bump fight with a trans and a fucking homeless person. It was crazy. They have trans in Cattle Mills, Texas? No, this is in Austin.

Oh, okay. I've been in Austin for over nine years. No, they didn't have that shit in Cattle Mills. I'm talking about gays, bro. I ain't talking about all these remodels. Shit, that's all the same to me. I don't know. You don't know.

You don't even fucking know he was here, bro. You could be two inches from a guy. I couldn't believe. Hey, there's so many celebrities in this city. That's just some long. I never know. Shit. No, man, I'm just joking with you, and it's nice to see you.

And, yeah, they got a lot of gay dudes out there. Trying to get that fucking fake CPR out there. Yeah, exactly. That's crazy. It's rough out here. So, what did you do for work before the Circle K? I worked at a television station. Wow.

CBS and Telemundo. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I just, I recently quit that job this month, and I tried to get a, I tried to do a sales job, and I sucked at that. And so I decided to quit that and then just do Circle K. Circle K. And now I deliver laundry too.

So I got all kinds of whatever makes money. I don't know. What do your parents and cattle mills do for work when they're not posing for a picture with a pitchfork in front of the house? Yeah, my dad's dead, yeah. My dad's dead too, Theo. My dad's alive.

Had a heart attack last week, but he's good. My dad's cool. He's cool. And my mom, I don't really know it. She does something with insurance. I don't exactly know what the fuck. She works from home, so she wasn't a farmer, though. She's a good woman, though.

Oh, yeah, she's great. Yeah, she'll be down here this weekend. So for Easter. What are y'all going to do? You all going to celebrate? Go out to dinner, go out to lunch or something? She's going to cook for my adopted family and shit, my homegirl, Carly, who I live with and shit.

Okay. Say home girl. What exactly do you mean? That's just because we're white and we sound black. I don't know what to say. Yeah. How old are you? I'm guessing 27 to 52.

Yeah, there's somewhere. You know what? You're right on the money. I'm 34. Dope. Wow. Amazing. So the home girl is your girlfriend? No, she's just my friend. My landlady, too.

My sister from a different mister, you know. You live with your landlady. Yeah. But you're not banging. No. But the lady that you are banging's coming to town and cooking for you. No, that's my mother.

I ain't back. Hey, I'm from the country. I ain't inbred like that shit. But you go for some of that dark meat, huh? Oh, I do. Yeah, I like my women. I like my trucks, large and black. Really? Is that true?

She ain't a good lady unless she's 280. You'll go walking in the dark, huh? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I like that. It's very surprising. How many black women do you think you've been with? I lost my virginity to a black woman.

Wow. Where was that at? Cattle Mills, ironically enough. Cattle Mills. Yeah. Where in Cattle Mills exactly? I mean, it's just a small town, so it's just, you know, at a neighbor's house. Okay.

I thought you said General Mills. They're like, where? Yeah. No, c-a-d-do like the Indians. Cato. See, a lot of people think I say cattle because I don't know how to fucking talk either. Fuck them, they're lying.

They're not lying, but they are. They don't know what they're talking about. Yeah. That's true. Hell yeah. Right on. Ethan, anything else crazy we should know about you before getting you out of here?

I don't know. We'd be here all night if I tell you all the crazy shit that I've done. How about anything? Anything? One thing. One thing. Fuck.

Ever been to jail? I have. Once, yeah, I got a DWI back in December. Like, four months ago. All right. Back in 1980 December. Not my proudest moment, but, you know, I'm dealing with it. Whose fault was it?

Was it yours or was it someone else? It was mine. Yeah, I was blackout drunk. I don't remember most of it. What happened? Like I said, I don't remember leaving my buddy's house to waking up in a hospital bed cuff to it, but luckily nobody was hurt.

What did you wreck into? Two-part cars. Wow. Oh yeah. One for the plug and one for the load. Right. Yeah. That's what it was. Yeah. Yep. Unfortunately. Dude, I'll tell you this, bro, one time. Yeah. Sorry. No, go for it. Let's do it. I'm leaving this bar and I was driving a Honda quarter or whatever. And, uh, because I was fucking having kind of a tough time or whatever. And, uh, anyway, I go get in my car. There's a cop car right next to it. I go get in it. And then I'm looking in there, I'm like,

there's a baby seat in my car, and I'm like thinking, oh, somebody snuck in there with their baby, right? I got in the wrong car. There's a cop right next to me in his car. He's kind of looking over at me. And now I'm like trying to, I can't start this car. He's fucking not mine.

Damn. So I had to pop the hood, dude. This cop's looking under the hood with me of somebody else's fucking car. Damn. And I thought my shit was bad. The dude came out. He's like, what the fuck you all doing?

And I was like, I'm just helping this officer. And they fucking, yeah. So that's what I'm saying, BLM, homie. That's right. Hell yeah. That's right. Vigand sort out. Thank you.

Ethan Griggs, who leaving here with a medium joke book. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Ethan Griggs, everybody. All right. Theo, you don't have to get up for all these people. That's like... But I ain't ever seen nothing like this before.

Theo, jelly roll. Good night, everybody. Oh, shit. Look at that. People are going to be like, wow, Theo Jellyroll and Woody Harrelson's gay son. We're all in the same place at the same time. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Charles Haycock, everyone.

Here we go. What's up? I'm trying to talk to more women now, but it should be good because I don't have autism because, well, I've never been tested. and I think that's how you beat it. I think that's the only cure I've heard of, but my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him.

And you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I'm like, well, it's not part-time. It's not weekends hit the club Monday, back to puzzles. I did try to get tested, too, when I was in Canada, where it's free there, but they're busy.

So they, you know, they phone me back. They're like, sorry, sir. The wait time is seven years. I was like, what the fuck? To find out of my autism? Seven years? No, that's 3,461 days. No.

I can't do that. That's a Tuesday. Tuesday's when the train comes. Thank you, guys. Unbelievable. Charles Peacock. Welcome, welcome, my friend. What a rock star you are. How long you've been doing stand-up?

I've been doing it for 12 years. Fuck yeah, man. Where at? Canada and Edmonton, Alberta. Okay, hell yeah. Oh, look at that. Dude, what's your name? Have we ever met before? No, dude. I've never met you. My name's Charles. Charles Theo.

It's a pleasure. Thanks, yeah. I thought maybe I'd met you before, because I used to do a lot of shows up there, and I thought maybe we'd met one time. Oh, okay. Cool. You meet a lot of guys like me? Oh. I'm not even.

I'm not even gay, okay? I am a guy who likes women, dude. You should see some of the drawings in my diary. I'm flattered, that's all, you know? No, I thought that we had met before, though. I'm 100% serious with you. I thought we had met once. Oh, okay, okay, well.

So good to see you. All right, okay, very good. One-note riffing. Be honest, though, if you was gay, bro, because we don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I mean. Would you smash this little fucking beetle muffin over you?

I mean, well, we're like, I think we're both bottoms, so, like, those batteries don't go that way. You know what I mean? They have to go along the same way. You can't have two super gay guys. Never mind, dude. Whatever, dude. Yeah.

I love it. Charles, tell us about your life up in Canada. My life in Canada. Well, shit, I moved to Texas this last year. Oh, nice. Congratulations. Thank you, sir. You got citizenship and everything?

No, I do not, but I have papers. I do have papers. Okay. I'm hoping to get permanent papers later, but... Yeah. Canada is a good time, and I finally started dating a female girl. Nice. Tell us about that.

How's that going? It's going good. I had a dry spell for, like, nine years. Whoa, that's very dry. Yeah, and it was rough. Like, the only girl had a crush on during that was... I met an Amish girl, and the only place you can find them is like when they're selling furniture. And then she was great, but...

Getting their drawers, huh? Sorry. And that's not even a real joke. I just read that somewhere in the back of my brain, and I was like, who wrote this some... F***ing it or whatever. Anyway, carry on. I'm sorry, dude. I'm honestly interrupting. It's not very nice.

It's great. And I am sorry. It's great. We love this. Yeah, I had to pretend that, you know, I was interested in their $17,000 drawers, but the Amish, they're pretty pricey. But, and then I waited nine years and then I met a girl who's not Amish, so I'm allowed to date her, but.

Hell yeah. She's, uh. And what was it about the Amish that was bringing you over there? Can I ask him out? Yeah, absolutely. What was it about it? Have you seen a lot of Amish? I haven't seen that many Amish before.

I've met almost, I met probably maybe 11 Amish people in my whole life. Okay, okay. You podcasted with two of my face. Yeah, exactly. I've seen clips with that one. How is that allowed? Is that not against their whole shit? Well, they wouldn't know, I don't reckon.

Yeah. Yeah. They wouldn't find out. Yeah. Okay, okay. They just think they're just talking in like a weird shape or something. Yeah. But don't you feel like you're sweling their existence a little bit by exposing them to the world?

You were trying to fuck one. Dude. You don't shame Theo. Yeah, dude. Don't furniture shame me, dude. You're over here playing let's hide in the back of Narnia closet or whatever. Let me take you to see my lion. Let me show you that pants ad-nan or whatever.

Did you make an attempt? What was the best attempt you made it, hooking up with the Amish girl? Yeah, I was scared off of me because I was talking to her and I made her laugh. And then four of her dad showed up immediately. Oh, shit. They have so many dads, and they looked at me like, there's no fucking chance. Oh, yeah. So I got the heck out of there.

You can only fuck them during Rumpel Springer or whatever it's called. There's Red Band, everybody. If you're wondering what it sounds like when he talks. There you go. Rumpel Spring, everyone. There's some degenerates in the crowd, some die-hard Red Bank fans. There you go. Rumpel Spring, everybody.

It's your Doritos joke of the night, everyone. Amazing, Charles. What else about you? You seem like a guy that's got an interestingly complex life. Well, I started in Canada to make money. I go, and I have a yo-yo company. Ooh, I knew there was something. See, Theo, you looked at me funny there,

but he's got a yo-yo company. You were right. We just got canceled recently, though, so we're not making money this year. Oh, no. Well, that company probably, I'd imagine that industry has a lot of ups and down. Yeah. Yeah.

It's no rumble spring, but it'll do for now. Amazing. So the yo-yo company got canceled or just went out of business? No, I got like, so like our manufacturer was in America. You're manufactured? Yeah, dude. I sound pretty sick when I say that. It does sound good.

I want to know more about it. I do, I really do, man. Sorry, my attitude's been weird today. No, but... I'm just nervous, probably. Yeah, no, we had Americans make our shit. But the thing is, in America, like, the yo-yo scene is kind of run by... I guess you call it the woke yo-yo mob.

You guys know about this, right? Oh, yeah. So, uh, and they're also autistic, so, like, imagine... Yeah, we have one. Come on up here, Cole. Now, come on, come on around. Yeah, the way. We have a yo-yo guy.

We have a yo-yo guy that actually knows your company. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of our main people. Do a little yo-yo, Cole. Hell yeah. There he is. It's unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. What are the odds?

One of the greatest yo-yoers in the world happens to be five-year veteran employee of the Kill Tony Enterprise. Right when you think this podcast doesn't get any cooler. We yo-yo. Amazing. I look at that. Charles, you're awesome, dude.

Come back anytime. We'll see you soon. Charles Haycock, everybody. There he goes. Kelly. All right. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. A special treat for you.

This man is making his Kill Tony debut. He's an internet sensation. You very likely follow him on Instagram. Very funny man. Very funny man. Make some noise for Lil Mo Mo Mo Cicerella, everybody. It's your telony debut.

Watch your, stay put. I'm from New York City. I don't know you guys act like you don't fucking understand me. But I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish. Where are you? I throw one word out you.

What's up? Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese, poppy. You know, people do it to Italians all time. They come to fucking Little Lily and they start acting Italian. The guy's got freckles and shit. Let me get a chicken cutlet, parmesan, fresh mousinel, red peppers.

Tell your sister's your son. I said, how you done? That's fucking Norwegian. You know where you never do it, though? You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant to act in Chinese, no? Le-ho Mao! Let me get a pork fried rice.

Don't forget the wonton suit. They don't do it. They get disrespectful. They start yelling. Lair's my pork fried rice! They think you can understand them if you talk loud, you know? They're disrespectful.

See, I always showed them respect. Like, let's say, for instance, I go, like, for a steak, I bring the bones home, and I bring it to the restaurant. for the dog to bury the yard. How you doing? I was gonna say they ate the dog, but then I said somebody might fuck me up out here. I see a couple of Asians.

Kim Junk-un's over there. What's up, Mo. How does it feel that never ride a roller coaster? Little Moe Moe Moe Moe-Mazarella, ladies and gentlemen, making his kill-tony debut. Very funny, lots of energy. Oh, shit. He just hit the, he just hit the hardware in the head with the mic.

I have a son, Tony. fucking 20 hours to get here. Did you really? And Ray, everybody. Good to see you tonight, man. You really your 20 hours get here? No, I drove about fucking six. I like that, though. I was in Oklahoma. The food there sucks, ma'am. They eat testicles. You know, anybody from Oklahoma, they eat testicles.

Yeah. And they eat it like two grapes. I won't even eat a fucking hot dog in front of people. You know what they eat that? It's called lamb something. Look it up. Yeah, lamb. Yeah, it's a thing. Chacheebee ticket.

Unbelievable. Look it up. This is the real... This guy's... This is how he is in real life. I was fucking Oklahoma. I drove here. Listen.

I got to rent the car. This fucking rent the car says 29 miles or whatever per gallon. I thought that that was how much gas I had. I ran out of gas. I didn't know what to do. I called the fucking Uber. I says, come over here.

I'm going to give you $100. Go get the tank. And come here and fucking look out for me. He goes, how do you know I can trust you? I said, I'm a fucking degenerate game, but I'm taking a shot. Let me tell you my history with Lil Mo. I can't remember what or why or how,

but we were all out one night, me, him, and Shane. And Shane's like, you gotta meet my friend, this is Lil Mo. And he was like this, right? And I'm like, this guy's not even real. And then after about five or ten minutes, we hung out the rest of the night. He had me absolutely cracking up.

I don't even smoke pot. I'm looking forward to smoking pot again tonight. Yeah, you're gonna smoke pot tonight. I don't smoke pot tonight. I don't smoke pot. by getting anxiety. Did you smoke it a lot when you were, um... Oh, God.

Smoking me now. Oh, God. A little mo is about to be eating bull testicles in Oklahoma. Who fucking Charlie was an engineer? I got to lose a lot of it. What do you want? The Ozzyme, I'm on the Majada. Mujaro sounds Italian.

I know. It's aangada. You know how you say air conditioning in time? You used to sell air conditioning? I used to do air conditioning. That's what I did for a living. Oh, yeah. My cousin's watched an HVAC for a while.

Does he? Yeah, he did. Is he the help or he's a mechanic? He's dead. He passed away. Oh, he did? Yeah. You know, when you work blue collars.

He was, uh, yeah, he would get in there, you know, he goes. You say, air condition in time, you just say, akadish. Echendish. That's how you said. Tell us more about... Fuck is staring at him. He's a jinxed this guy. Yeah.

There's a motherfucker from the past over here. We, you know, we always have all these different shapes and sizes of characters. I'm Italian. I don't sound like you. I'm not from New York. Tony, let me tell you something. You had some guy on the old day.

He had a Gabbyu shirt. Yeah. He was a fake Italian. I saw that. That's what made me come. Yeah. I said, you need the real fucking thing. And that's what I was just going to say

is we never get any fucking real Italian. Nobody does. They act Italian. There's no real one. I'm the only one left. Tell us more. Teach us some more. It's true.

It really is true. There's nothing. I swear to God, me and this guy sat at the end of a bar cracking up for fucking Italian. hours because I couldn't get enough of it. It's who he really is. Give us some more of your Italian

New York wisdom, Lil'amow. If you don't speak Italian, all you need to know how to do is say this. What do you want to do? How you're doing? I don't want no problems. That's exactly right. Tell us about Brooklyn. What is it about it? It's old school changed now. You know, back in the day, it was different.

You know, hang out on a stoop. You know what I mean? A girl walks by. You got, how you don't? You know, different levels. Different how you're doing. You don't want to throw a fiver how you do. doing, you know? You get her how you don't. Because she might get, you know, she'll get a little cocky. You don't want to get cocky.

Yeah, exacerbated or whatever. Yeah, you got to bring it down on you know what I'm saying? My friend's sister, man, I remember the first girl I said, How You doing? Yeah. She was a sweetheart, you know? Oh, yeah. I put her a nice pair of shoes.

She goes, how do I look at him? I said, take him in the fucking box, you dummy. How you doing? Are you doing? Are you? Are you? Oh yeah, they're out there. They don't make any noise anymore.

How you doing? They're laying low right now. Jews are hiding in the dark right now. They'll throw out. Counting in the dark. So what else we got about being Italian? I mean, I absolutely love it. You know, I just found a great Italian place that I've been telling everybody about Baldanucci's here in Austin, Texas. And I love it.

I've been ordering from there continuously. I'm talking about... You know what's crazy about Italian? You can name any piece of food and you can make it sound like a dick. Here's my brajo. I got the brajou right here. Hide the salam.

Look at my little fucking pasta fazzo. You can make it anything. Yeah, show me that barat. You know what I'm saying? Show me that barat. Where are the real Italians at? Like, where honestly, if we were going to go look for some Italians

or if people wanted to find some Italians, But we have our own culture. We're Italian in America. We're different. The Italians don't even like us, really. Really? They do a little bit, because they got to deal with us. I'll fucking kick up around the fucking country.

We're the realest ones in America still at. If you want to get the most... Well, you got something in Chicago and shit. You got where he's from. Youngstown is Italians. But in New York, we got Brooklyn, the Bronx. Staten Island, too. San Antonio's got a lot of Italians.

Queens got... All the fight, Burroughs got Italians. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, little Drusky did white face, Drusky did white face, and now D. Madness is doing white face. This is incredible. You never know what can happen here on Kill Tony,

every once in a while. You gotta go to Brooklyn, Dio. You're from the Wollins? Are you from the Wollins? Was that you from the Wollins? Shane. It's fucking blind as a bat. What are you?

Are you from the Wolland? I'm from outside of New Orleans. Oh, I used to go there when I was a kid. Did you really, what were you guys doing over there? My friend had a place that used to go to the abbey. You remember the abbey? It was like a late night joint. It was serious.

You get chicken fingers and shit? The abbey, no. There was a place Made in Voyage? Made in Voyage. Come on. Keep it on a little. I just remembered it. Yeah?

You know it. Yeah, I'll forget it again, I'm sure, but yeah, I did remember it. You guys like the fucking memory, Moe. Maiden Voyage was a little bit. It was fun. It was okay. People like different stuff, you know. I didn't like it.

I didn't like it. I like Boston better. You like Boston? Yeah, I like Boston. I like Boston, too. I didn't think they wouldn't like me out there, but they like me. Why? What you think that about it everywhere? Because I'm Italian. No, Boston's got a lot of Irish.

When we're kids, Irish and Italians, to fight all the time. So I figured I went to Boston, they'll beat the shit out of me if they like me. We need more of that shit. You need old school shit back, right? Yeah. You believe in stereotypes? When it comes to dicks, I think it's true. I'm going to tell you why.

I look at people's dicks in your own once in a while. Gay. Not because I'm gay. I'm going to tell you what it is. Yeah, what is it? I'm going to tell you this. My grandfather was ugly and he had no money. And he banged my grandmother for 50 years.

She stayed with him. So I asked her. She goes because he's... So it made me start looking. I said, let me see what people are working with. This way I can have an edge. You know what I mean? And then what happened?

You look like this. You go like this. Look, you go like you and take a piss. And he go, peekaboo. Now. Now. If they got a little guy, you could blackmail them, or you could pump their eagle up. Like, you go like, you know,

if it's your boss or something, write up the fucking corporate ladder. How you're done? Lil Mo, I fucking love you. You got to follow this guy on Instagram. Do it. Here's a big joke book, Lil' Mo. I'm going to throw it to you.

Oh, praise God, baby. Make some notes to Lil' Mo Moe, how long are you in town for? I'm saying two nights. So when do you leave? I don't know. Two fucking nights from now. It looks like a fucking petition over here. Hey, real quick, Lil' Mo.

Real quick. Jump back on that mic real quick. I don't want no problems. What's the best show you've ever seen in New York City? You're true New York, right? Yeah. All the way. The Rockettes.

No, no. Okay. DMX. Where did you see him at? Summer Jam. Where the fuck is that? Is that New York? No, it might be Jersey.

Okay. Where the fuck did I see the Warriors? I don't know. What shows have you seen at Madison Square Garden? Sheens. What? Just Sheens. Nice.

That's it. I did the voice of the garden firm in Madison Square Garden. Well, I'll tell you what. I find you to be so interesting and so compelling. We're doing two nights of Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th. Will you come on the stage? I didn't know it. Between New York.

Absolutely. I can sing too. How about one more time? For the cameo of Shane Gillis, everybody. What a crazy world we're living in, where the biggest comedian in the world stops in and pretends to be blind for 10 seconds. He'll be hosting the roast of Kevin Hart

on May 10th, live on Netflix. It's gonna be a hell of a roast. I'll be there, roasting yet again. On the biggest roast of all time. The roast of Kevin Hart, May 10th. Two days earlier, me and Jelly Roll, or at the Greek Theater. And a reminder this Friday, Bus Boys,

starring Theo Vaughn and David Spade out in theaters everywhere. Go to a movie theater, people. Buy some popcorn and a large soda. Enjoy yourself. Throw extra butter on it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole, everybody goes by the name of T. Austin, everybody.

T. Austin. Now, I came out here, I'm a little angry, but I'm not angry with y'all. I don't like the motherfuckers that's outside, so I came up with a few ways. to destroy the world and I only got a minute to do so. The first one would be for you religious motherfuckers. I want whoever you believe in, Jesus, Muhammad, whoever,

I hope you come so that way the rest of us can be out here screaming like, holy shit. You can't say that shit because God is here. The second way, you already got Donald Trump in there doing this thing working on Israel. We working on them bombs. That would be funny, but fuck that. We're living that one.

Now, the third way, fucking thriller. I want my goddamn zombies I've been watching the walking dead I've been practicing my motherfucker shit Michael getting ready to come out I'm going to see that shit I want to live it the fourth way

that I because it could be anything you guys I could drop a bomb of peanuts in here and drop half you motherfuckers the fourth way that I believe that we deserve it because Donald Trump said it's true it's goddamn aliens

we're already here thank y'all I'm T Austin T Austin T. Austin, ladies and gentlemen, John Dees, I'm gonna check up with John Dees here. What did he just say? Bunch of shit. It's now dumb. Everyone in this room is now dumber.

And you're welcome for it. Okay, welcome, T. How long have you been doing stand-up, my dear friend? I have been doing stand-up off and on for about maybe six years, my don't. Six years. Six years. Where at? San Antonio.

Okay. I'm originally from Georgia. Georgia. Can't tell, yeah. All right. I was in Texas for 20 years, though, so I'm officially a DSTB as well as a DSGB, bad motherfucker all the way around. What's a DSTB? Oh, that's a down south Texas boy.

I'm a down south Georgia boy. Oh, okay. Past the choice. That's my dog. Okay. I don't know them, but I listen to the music. And what does the T stand for? T.

It's a letter. A, B, C, D. EFT, yeah. Wow. Hey, you see, I kept my hand in my pocket. I ain't got no fingerprints, I don't want nobody telling on me. Okay. Again, I really need a translator.

I hear everything you're saying, brother. T. Austin, what do you not do for work? What do I not do for work? Well, I am a retired drug dealer. I used to sell marijuana. Okay. But then it became legal, and them bitches took it from my pocket. But now, I work at a job.

grocery store and I give out samples to nice folks like you white people here in front of me today all right look at you working at the grocery store yeah I'm broken in a bitch I need a job so let's check and who likes a sample the most who's the most when you're in there if you're working like in the if you're in the sample streets who is the person no what that you know what I'm saying take me through some of them samples all right so look I got I got folk that come through I got my air day people that let me try to your what people let me talk a little bit clearer.

Yeah. So I have everyday people that like to come in and they will eat what I make because it is very, very delicious but the sum bitches don't buy it. I don't care about you loving what I make. I care about

you buying it. But putting a smile on people's face just like I'm doing with you. There you go. All right. There's a lot there. We love the annunciation. You're asked the question. And who the worst people that come through there? Who's the worst type of sampler. Yeah, if you had to-

Honestly? If you had to describe what they look like. Ooh, say, I won't, but I'll describe their pocket. They got a lot of money. All right. People with a lot of money be mean as fuck. Really? What's the meanest thing anybody's ever said to you

while you're handing out- Oh, you know what? You didn't do it, and I was surprised because I heard about you, but I didn't take it like that. But they come up and they say, my brother. Yeah, I get it, yeah. I'm not your brother. I don't know you.

And I tell them, no, sir. I do not understand what you're saying to me right now. You say that to the white people that say that. I didn't say that. You said that. I say that to anybody who say that. But if you want to say it's white people, sir, I'll take that too. But if a black guy came up to you and said, my brother, delicious sample. It depends on how he said it.

All right. How about how I said it? It depends on how you said. All right. What if I was like, my brother, delicious sample? I'd be like, well, thank you, sir. and I really do appreciate that. All right, perfect.

If you would have said anything else, I would have asked to speak to your manager. I appreciate this shit. I really didn't know I was going to get called on here. It is really a fucking honor. I hope I did good for y'all. I'll fuck with it. I hope I get called.

Are you closing out your own interview right now? My stomach hurts, bro. I am so nervous, dog. It's what happens. You're in the big league. We know you didn't think you were going to get called. That's how the show works. And it's also you're dressed.

for not getting called. Hey, I got off of work and came here. You did it. I'm poor. I have to work. Type shit. So I got a button. You see me? You see me?

Put it in my pocket. Help your boy eye. There you go. Love y'all. Catch him at Trader Jamals. T. Austin, everybody. Seeho doing his classic meet and greet. Trademark, standing ovation for everyone.

Scary thing. It is. I could never do that. Yeah, you could. I'm out there for, I could not do it, dude. We used to do three minutes at the comedy store at the open mic. Three minutes, but you've been practicing for a long time. It just feels it very, um, it feels extreme to me.

Well, yeah, it is. Carry on. It's the thing. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Brian Stupak. Brian Stupich. So I'm a man, so I get a little discouraged about the double standard that exists online between men and women. For example, a girl can post herself at the beach wearing a bikini. Gets thousands of likes, hundreds of comments from other girls.

Same things like, yes, queen. Sleigh girl. Pop-off diva. I say one innocent comment like, wow, would a babe, and I get blasted? They say creep. They say loser. Or most often they say, wow, dude, you? She's only 11.

Can you believe these people? So I don't do many impressions. I do one. This is my impression of a Latina, but not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeous. So give me a second. Well, I get in the character. Soi Mexicana, so I'm Mexicana.

No, no, no, see, see, okay, listo. I'm breaking up with you, Brian. Okay, Brian, Stupak. Welcome, Brian. Is this your first time on the show? Sure is. Welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand-up comedy?

Since June. Where at? Mostly 6th Street. You live here in Austin. Yeah, I work next door. What made you want to start six months ago? It's a long story, but I ran out of money in Italy, and my buddy's like, come stay with me and try stand-up comedy.

So I was like, all right. Where was that? In Italy or? In Italy? You ran out of money. Your buddies, like, come moving. He lives in Kyle. He lives in here.

Yes. Okay. Yes. All right. Yeah. So where'd you live before that? So I'm from Northern California, I do a lot of travel.

So I spent most of the last 10, 15 years traveling. I'm a linguist. So I travel to learn languages. I'll pick up like odd jobs. Can you teach the last guy how to talk? I mean, I can help people that, you know, I can't help lost causes, you know? Right.

Yeah. How did you run out of money in Italy exactly? What did you do out there? So I published an Italian book. And I had this idea where I could promote it. I was going to walk the length of Italy with 100 book copies of my book. book in a shopping cart, and I was going to push at the length of Italy, trading it every day for food and lodging.

Wow. And when I got to Rome, I ran out of books and I ran out of money. And so I was like, you know, I was just waiting in the airport there for five days until my book royalties came in, and then I flew home. All things lead to Rome, they say, isn't it? Right? There it is. Yeah. It's true. Italy itself was actually a pivot, too. Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, I tried to, I tried to walk Africa before that. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot of book buyers out there. No, no, no, no. No, that one was just for me. That was for fun. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I made it a third of the way. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What was that like? It was nice.

It was great. So I went from Cape Town, South Africa, to the Democratic Republic of Congo. So I did, like, all of South Africa, all in the Mabia, all of Angola. And then when I got to the border of the DRC, I kept getting robbed. So I... By who? I mean, if you had a guess. Yeah.

When you said kept getting robbed, how many times do you think... I think you were robbed. No, it was three in a week and a half. Yeah. Yeah. So it was the first time I just got jumped by like high school age kids. Can I show you for it's, yeah. You're gonna show me like a what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, you're safe. You work with all those kids. I'm so confused how we went. So it was, they were like, so it was like, um, like. You need me to stand up for this thing or something? Kind of. What?

Brian. You don't have to. Let's not, do. Let's not make the award-winning artists do anything written by you, Brian. So, no, they were, they weren't, like, they were kind of, um... Fucking people. Hey, can I use you like a mannequin there? Just leave your Grammys at the table.

Just stand up for me. I'm a random fucking open micer that has six months of experience. And Jelly's ready for it? Yeah. He is. He's down to play. I was like, fuck, I'm down, dog. At this point, I kinda wanna see it. Fuck!

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. This is still, Tony. We're clearly anything can have. So they were like 6-3-120. So I'm walking behind. I'm fucking flattered. Yeah. So they're walking behind and I wasn't sure what he was trying to do. So he grabs me by the back and he like...

And I was like what? And then he kept doing it like you know and so I fought them off and that's all I was... You're good now. That was it. Wow. Just as stupid as I thought it would be everybody. Brian Stupich, needing a human to that act out. Yeah, but the second time was a little bit scary. They had AK-47s. They put one in my mouth. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah. You get hard? And what is, yeah. Good question. Red band. Completely redeeming himself. The question everybody wanted to ask. Yeah.

What's up? Did it get hard? Did you get hard? I stay hard, Tony. Oh, very good. Yeah, there we go. And then the third time, it was, like, there were men with Michelle. No, no, no, no, you can't just breeze through that.

Yeah. Yeah. What exactly did they... How this one happened? Yeah, what did they get out of you? What did they rob out of you? At that time, I, so I was in Luanda Angola, which is the capital of Angola, and I just, I was doing... Sounds safe.

Go ahead. I had a, I just had, like, my phone and my money on me. Because I left, I was staying with the local there, so I had, like, my backpack with them, so that wasn't on me. And they... You were pointing it by fanny pack. No. Where's the money? Okay. No, it was just in my pockets. I was just going to a TV interview.

It was like six in the morning. How much cash do you think you had on you? Like 90 bucks. Okay. Yeah, so, you know, it's like a lot there, but I was... Yeah. It's a lot anywhere, man. Yeah. Yeah. Especially there. Yeah, so as I was walking, I was stupid. Like, I just had my phone out using GPS, and I'm like... Oh, yeah. Fuck. I'd rob you if I saw you with using your phone with that.

And then I, yeah, as I'm walking, there were like two guys. sitting on a stoop and they ran in opposite directions. I was like, okay, this is interesting. And then they came back with AKs. Yeah. They speak Portuguese and Angola said like, Fika, Fika, Fika, Fika, which means stay in Portuguese. And so I had my phone and I was just like, you know.

Right, exactly. They could have used fucking those guns that just say bang with the flag that comes out. Well, it was frustrating because it was like a five foot two inch. It was like Kevin Hart was robbing me, you know? It was like, it was really emasculating. Yeah. And then one of the guys, when he was emptying my pocket, because I did have my sunscreen on me.

Oh. Yeah. The one thing they allowed you to keep. No, they took that too. They took that too. And it was like, you don't need this. Right. You know?

But what happened was the guy dropped it and that panicked the other guy with the gun and he like hit me and like put it. He was like, I'm not even doing anything. All right. And then the third time. So I was at the border of the DRC and I was walking and guys walked by me. And it was a fisherman group. So it was like one guy's carrying fish.

Another three are carrying machetes. And so they like, The old fish machete trick. So that sounds bad, but it's not terribly uncommon in that part of world. You see people walking with machetes. Like, I'd walked hundreds of miles with people with machetes. But these people that was made it sketchy was they turned around, and they started following me.

And I was like, all right, maybe I dropped something. I didn't. So I picked up my speed. They picked up their speed. I started jogging. They started jogging. Took off into the jungle. Then they chased me into the jungle.

But there was like a, like the brush was about this high. So I, like, I found a spot to hide. And they're, like, looking for me for, like, 45 minutes. I'm, like, hiding on top of my bag. And then they eventually left, but I waited another few hours because they could have just been waiting on the road, you know? Of course. And I'm, like, hearing things rustle in the bushes this whole time.

And the previous week or so, I'd seen half a dozen black mamas or so across the road. So I'm just like, maybe it's time to come home. Yeah? Yeah, I'd say so. I'd say so. Come in home. Tell the world I'm coming. Can we still sing Diddy?

Huh? What? Who sings that? Did he? Is it really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I like, yeah, I just like the song.

There's a medium joke book, my friend. There goes Brian's Duke, everybody. We're flying through it here tonight. Yeah. You guys still having fun out there? You get it? Make some noise to your next bucket bowl, ladies and gentlemen. It's Luke Robinson, everybody.

Luke Robinson. Elon Musk is making Neurrelink. so people can talk to their pets. Aw, now they can tell us just how much they love us. I don't know, but I've thought about it fucking a lot. Imagine dog dads having the neuter talk. After a painful conversation about cutting their balls off, they'd be like, please, Poppy, I promise to keep my picker in my pants.

Dudes would be so traumatized. They'd never neuter dogs ever again. And the straight population would go, way out of control. And if dogs didn't talk, they can understand TV. Imagine coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN. Poppy, she's so smart. Next day, dog's on the doorstep of a shelter with a note.

Good dog, but he's a fucking Democrat. Thank you. I'm Luke Robinson. They call me your big dog. Thank you. Luke Robinson. Amazing. Very, very compelling.

It was very... Good job, man. Yeah. Luke, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my fifth time on stage. Fifth time, talking to that microphone, fifth time.

Obviously. On stage. And how did the other four times go? First time was in Memphis. No, I'm sorry. The first time I was in Little Rock. Memphis was second. Third was Creek.

Third was L-O-L in San Antonio. Okay. And that's when I got my first positive feedback from the audience that my writing is really solid. I do a lot of dog jokes. I'm a big dog guy. Yeah. You specialize in dog material. I noticed that.

I do. I lost three dogs to cancer. I've walked 4,200. Wow. I mean, starting with how many dogs you've lost to cancer is something else. That is incredible. Yeah. What are you what?

High five. You lost. three dogs to can't Not all at the same time What is going on? No, but still, dude, quit doing that. Are you giving them cigarettes? I should cut back on the cools, right?

Well, what are you doing, man? Well, my first one was bone cancer, and that was in Boston. Look, I know, yeah, bone cancer happens in Boston, but what I'm saying is, dude, give it up and do something else. Yeah. Like, not get a dog, absolutely,

unfortunately, I'm on my fifth pyrenee, so. Oh. You started with how many dogs. have died under your tutelage. How many have survived? Do you have any living dogs? I have one. He's three-legged, though, so...

Oh my God, what is happening? How did your dog lose its leg? Well, that was abuse. Before me. Not me. I got him. The people before him left him outside, tied to a tree. It lacerated his leg, the amputated night.

Before I got him, I fostered him, and he was like, Poppy, I'll be the best son to you. Please adopt me. I signed the papers after that. He's been the most ungrateful, great Pyrenees that I've ever had. He's grateful.

Ungrateful, most ungrateful great Pyrenees I've ever had. Check in with jelly roll here. This is really close to sound like a jelly roll song. Well, my ex-that kind of is, I kind of, actually my first dog, kind of is, is I moved to Boston. My first dog got cancer. My girlfriend left me, and she took the truck, so I totally became a country song,

cliche. But I ended up walking. After losing three dogs, I've walked a total of 4,250 miles. It started a foundation, where we tried to understand why dogs get cancer like people. So I try to turn the loss. Did you walk across America or Africa? America, three different times.

Austin of Boston was my first one. Wow. Then the West Coast from Canada, Mexico was my second one. My last one, my third one was the entire length of the Hudson River because I lost Hudson was the third dog. I lost to cancer. Wow. Yeah.

And a round of applause for doing that, man. Yeah. Red Band takes a petty cab to his condo four blocks away. I'm a cat guy. But he's also going to lose a leg soon. You can join me on my next walk. You're enjoying me, but I have to lose another dog cancer first. What was your favorite walk, to be honest?

It's just interesting somebody that walked there as much, that many places. Austin of Boston was the best one. 2,300 miles over two years with my two dogs. Why was it the best, though? That's kind of hard. The West Coast was just weird altogether. And they say they're animal-friendly, but when you look like a homeless guy walking with a dog,

they don't treat you like you're a part of there. So it was just a different experience. I find the people from the Austin to Boston, I walked across 16 states, including D.C., and the people were just incredible. It was just like nothing. Nothing you see on TV. It doesn't, nothing could speak to that experience.

It's just like selling, selling all your stuff, putting everything in the storage, and just walking with your dogs cross-country. It was so much grace and glory in that experience. How do you make money? Look at me, I'm 55. I'm up here on the stage trying out for economies. I've been doing this since I lost my first dog 20 years ago. You've been doing what?

Not living in the nonprofit world, trying to solve canine cancer, companion animal cancer. Right. So. Do you think that solving cancer? cancer is more important than solving human cancer? Well, what science has taught us, this is the interesting thing, especially with dog cancer, it's pretty much the same thing.

Like 90% of all cancers dogs get, that people get. They look the same, they act the same. It's kind of one of the things that science has taught us. Right. Do people say a lot of it's from Chobani Yoger. Do you see all that? Yeah. Yeah.

Could be. Do dogs get- Allegedly. Do dogs get more breast cancer than normal animals because all the nipples and stuff? Yes, they do get... Great question. Do they? Yeah, they do get mammary cancer.

Have you ever been fat? Have you ever been fat? Have you ever been fat? Yeah. Absolutely. I'm a toy. I used to be a sugar guy totally. Yeah, like, have you lost a lot of weight? A lot, yeah. How much?

Probably about 100 pounds. I know you have. You look fantastic. By the way, I can tell. I know my kind when I see them. You look like you look like you get Ed Gaines lampshades under there. I know that feeling. I got some buffalo shit happening right here too, dude. It's bad.

That's very funny, very true. Observation by Jelly Roll. I'm now looking at it. Your belt is made of belt loops. There are belt loops everywhere. The tini's is where you're supposed to look. You could see the tail. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You got the skin where Titties once was. I'm struggling with the same thing. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Incredible. So let me ask you that's what your love life like. You're out there walking dogs, three-legged dogs. You must get a lot of... Well, it's a lot better than it was 100 pounds ago.

I can promise you that. Yeah. Yeah, no, when you're on the road and you're walking, man, you smell like basically pissed and dog ass all the time. Oh, wow. It looks like a homeless guy. So there's, yeah. So it's been a while since I've had...

You know, I just, it's been a dry spell, so it's been a long time. That's okay, man. That's okay. Yeah. What was I gonna say something? Oh, do you, do you have a, what is your, your nonprofit called? It's puppy up. So like some people down in Texas say cowboy up or man up, we puppy up.

So that was my battle cry from our first walk because I knew this was going to be long and hard. So we puppy up y'all. Absolutely adorable. We all have to puppy up in life. Definitely. Here you go, my friend. There's a medium-sized joke. Oh, wow, you got a little dog in ya.

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Luke Robinson. There he goes. There he goes. Very dog cancer heavy eight minutes that was. You guys still hanging in there? Next to your next bucket pool, Matt Campbell. Matt Campbell, everybody.

Matt Campbell. Here we go. Hello. Has anyone got crap nicknames? Show of hands if they have a crap nickname? No? Just me? Fuck you guys.

All right. No, I just wanted to say because, like, you know, when you get a crap nickname, like, bugger face or, like, numpty or something horrible like that. Jelly roll. Maybe you could attest.

Maybe you could attest. I don't know. But it always comes from the ones you love. You know what I mean? It's never from people you hate. Like my granddad, when I was a fat kid, called me Buster Bacon. Not as bad as my little brother. He called him Adolf.

And his justification for all that was is whenever he screamed, he got exactly what he wanted. I mean, he could have called him Donald. It would have worked the same. It's all right, though. My dad sealed the name deal with my brother. Because my brother came out of the closet and his name is.

Benedict. That's already, I'm British, my brother's name's Benedict, I'm already at a good start. And my brother on the couch just yells, dad, the door is ringing, and my dad just goes, yeah, bendy dick. Over his time. Matt Campbell, welcome, Matt. You want to finish that or was it were you done there? Well, I was just gonna say my brother's name was bendy dick after that. That was, uh... Okay. All right, well, what are you English? Yeah. Okay. How long have you been in America? I've been in America about nine years now.

All right. Yeah. Where at? I lived in Colorado Springs for like eight years, and then I moved here like seven months ago. So like almost nine years I've been in America. If I do the math, right, yeah. Okay.

What school did you go to? Hogwarts? I do look like a bit of, like I'm wearing like a weasley sweater right now. There's no... Fuck. What do you do for work? I wait tables now. Okay.

I used to be a valet at a W hotel, but now I wait tables. Okay. Where are you waiting tables at? Cousin Louise. Shout out Cousin, Louis. Up in Dripping Springs. Great place to work.

All right. And that's where you live, dripping springs? Yeah, though. I don't live there. I live just 10 minutes outside of town. So it's a bit of a drive. You have to drive a long time. Yeah, it's worth it.

About 40 minutes? The money's pretty good. Okay. And are you Welsh? Lad? No, not a drop. Not a drop. And what does it mean to be Welsh?

What it means to be Welsh is you shag sheep for fun. Oh. I'll stand by that. I don't care. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just being curious about them. Talk to me about the nickname. What was it again?

Buster bacon. It was Buster bacon? Yeah. They were going to call me fat back at first. And then because I like jelly donuts and my mama didn't know the difference between a jelly donut and a goddamn jelly roll that she called me jelly roll.

That was it because I ate bacon sandwiches. I had the same thing. That's a true story. Did a lot of people have nicknames where you're from? Mostly like rude names like knobbed, wanker. There's a couple other ones. But like we, I mean, we did that too, but we would make, that would be their name.

Like we had one guy named shitstain. I'm not making this up and we all called him shit. His whole life. I never knew his real name to this day. Shout out shit. I love you, baby. I ain't seen you in a while. I miss you, dog. Shout out shit. Doodoo Brown.

I had a dewbug, a tingling. You had tingling. There was a tingling. This was all true nicknames. You came in the neighborhood with nicknames too, right? Well, yeah. But I actually, a little fun fact, since you brought it up, is we once did in Nashville, Tennessee, a roast of jelly roll. And you're a smart guy, because you did your roast when you were still humongous. And you gave us a lot to work with. just so happened to search my phone for jelly roll roast, and I found an entire file of jokes that I did on jelly roll.

You can't hear a couple jelly? I said jelly roll is Lizzo for rednecks. I called him Leonard Skidmark. Hold on. Limbiscuit and gravy. This is a long file. I did a lot of jokes that night. There's a lot there.

Jelly roll is your favorite musician. if your favorite meal is corn dog. There's a lot here. I don't even know where to begin. You already started. Yeah. This is a gigantic file. I know there's a part where there's a roll.

You've been going a while, I'm feeling jelly roll. And you go in a bit, Lott. You could see what, Paige, you could see what I'm... He's still scrolling. I thought we were friends. There's a part where I had... More you scroll, the more personal it'd be. At the end, I remember I went on a run of band fucking music puns, but now I've lost.

I can't find it now. It doesn't matter. It's a live show. You're more of a chiro now, though, bro. You know? I was going to say, all of God and breadsteak, but, you know, he's doing well. Sinclair. Sinclair.

Tell us more about your gay British life. Is it fun being British, or does it just seem like it's whatever? Does it even seem like you're doing anything? I did recently. It seems so do. and fucking confused and librarianish. I did get asked for my papers recently. That was a fun experience.

At like, you know. Yeah. I had my job. Just trying to wait tables. Oh, yeah, yeah. What did they think you were? I don't know. I have no idea what they thought I was. I said, hello, madam.

How can I help you today? Where are your papers? That was the first thing before I could even get to the menu. Wow. I was just trying to give us some like eggplant rollitini or something. Yeah. How do you do with the ladies?

I've got a girlfriend. Okay, she's Texan? She's in Colorado, but she's from Wyoming. Okay, how's that going? It's going pretty good. You guys talk on the phone a lot? It is, it is a lot on FaceTime. You guys have phone sex?

No, I can't do it. Really? Dude, it's too weird, bro. Also, I don't know who the fuck's listening, dude. You guys are all cool with that. You have no idea who's listening. You're just like, flicking your bean and just going, eh, eh. Did you interrupt the call?

What the fuck was that? I just figured we're gonna be listened to, like all of us are gonna have like our porn soundtracks whenever we do something too famous. You know what I mean? Just coming out. I'd be worried. Would you, lad?

Sorry, I'm just joking. See, my accent's not funny. It's other people doing my accent, which is funny. I love British people, dude. I like Scottish people, actually. I'm gonna be... And I like Irish people, and I like British people.

You haven't exactly narrative. down, but yes, we're doing well. What's the craziest gig you've done here in America stand-up-wise? I did a show in Houston where they were all it was like a drug bizarre.

Drug bizarre. Drug bizarre. Like a market. Bam, pan, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. What do you mean drug bizarre? Like everyone was just like, like, I went to like

like go to the green room and on my way, it's just like tables full of like molly, acid, weed, mushrooms. Where? This is Houston. This is Houston. Where exactly in Houston is this table? I could find like the details on my phone later. We don't really.

I have prayed for a green room like that my entire career. This is how I imagined the 80s were before phones existed. It fell a little bit like that. Dope everywhere and people having fun. Dude, I got this thing one time, so I had to do a comedy show at, there was something at like the Golden Bridge or whatever in California. It's like the really nice bridge. Golden Gay Bridge.

Golden Gate Bridge. Even I know that one. Yeah, well, I don't need, yeah. Yeah, that's what it is. So anyway, I do this thing and it's all, it's like a weed conference, right? And my set was at like 1115 or something, and I get up and there's no. There's like one dude who's dressed like a boat captain or something. This motherfucker is, he's lost.

And somebody left somebody up front that, like had left a sibling up front that was, kind of mentally ill or whatever. You know, one of God's oysters or whatever. And, uh, but, bro, they didn't put like a little sign on them or anything, so I'm fucking, this dude is like giving me a lot of grief and shit. And I, they got me so high before the thing, bro. It was just so, it was embarrassing. It was embarrassing and sad, bro.

And it was just like, God, that was harrowing, bro. That was harrowing. I mean, I was, that sounds terrible. That's why we left her country, dude. So we could do shit like that. I'll tell you what, it's why I left, that's for sure. Matt Campbell, congratulations. There's a little joke book.

There he goes, Matt Campbell, everybody. I keep it moving along here. We're flying right through it. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Anthony Martin, everybody. Anthony Martin. Who comes Anthony? Okay.

Hello. I'm in a YouTube rabbit hole right now. Anyone else? Yeah. I'm into young bros beating up pedophiles on the internet. Have you seen this? Oh, my goodness. It's phenomenal.

The way it works, it's like, young bro starts catfishing a pedophile, meets him out in a Walmart. He's just like, hey, you, you looking for Rebecca? I'm Rebecca Goddard. Just hits him. Bounces off the chips aisle. He's like, let me alone.

He's running through. He crashes through a giant soda tower that looks like the University of Texas. And I like these videos, but I started to feel guilty when you find out that these guys, they have autism or mental disabilities or they're running for re-election.

And I just feel guilty I feel guilty I was texting with my fiance the other day and I was saying all the dirty stuff of like yeah I'm going to take you down flip you around all over town and all that

and I not good at it but I send the text and I immediately get a response back from my mother-in-law said Anthony never text me that again come say it to my face Anthony Martin

everybody hell yeah funny stuff Anthony, where you're from? I'm from Burbank, California. Okay, wow. The former home of the Tonight Show, yeah. Red Band used to live there, I used to live there. What part of Burbank exactly?

I used to live... Alameda and Victory? No. Mariposa? I'll write on Glen Oaks. Glen Oaks and... I don't want to... Oh, you still live there?

My family still lives there. Oh, wow, yeah. We don't want these fans tracking down your family. It's a bunch of angry pedophiles. Your son was making... jokes about us getting beaten up. Fuck your son. Wait, no, we'll fuck your son.

Bring me your son. Anthony, what do you do for a living? I work in property management. Okay, how long have you been to stand-up? Almost 10 years. 10 years. And you're managing property in Burbank? No, I live in Portland, Oregon right now. I got engaged, and that's where her family lives.

Okay, all right. Portland's nice. It is nice. It gets like a crazy rap because of all, like, people like the um rents all the people that live there no it's like the renaissance fair people fighting the fucking gay addicts or whatever whatever the shit is you know what I'm saying

the shit that was on the internet but you go there dude it's freaking cool man yeah the food there is great I really like the food yeah they do have good food there's that one big food court you know what I'm talking about I didn't eat while I was there but we had a great time anything like donuts is from yeah voodoo donuts I think is from Portland Oregon are Is that true? Is it?

Yes. Wow. Or I'm wrong. I would know this. This is the kind of shit I would know. This is the value I bring to tonight's show. You know the origin story of every donut place? They call me jelly roll for a reason.

It'll be your origin story. Only the ones that are legal as marijuana states. Oh, okay. From a small dozen in Antioch. I love it. Anthony, where'd you meet this girl at? Funny enough, Tinder. Okay, yeah.

She was in Portland and you were in Burbank and you're like, what's up? Well, we met in California. And then, funny story, I knew I loved her from like the moment we met, like I met her, and I was like, God, I love her so much. And it's like, creepy. I know, I know, I know how it felt.

And then- Tell her that? No, no, no, no, no. Fuck, no. Are you insane? Say it, it's insane. You have to not say it. No, I met her.

I knew that immediately. And then she told me she was moving to Portland, Oregon. And I was like, oh, fuck. And then I was like, oh, yeah, that's cool. That's fine. We wrap up the date, and I go back to my car, and I'm, like, punching the passenger seat. Like, God damn it.

We end up meeting up a few years later, and it just, she couldn't let me go. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Luckily, she did not see you beating your passenger seat aggressively right after the date. This could be you.

Yeah, they have scared her away. So you just ran into her a few years later? Yeah. How did that happen? COVID. Okay. COVID. So you guys were like chatting again.

Yeah. And then you... She was not texting me back that often. So ladies, if you're there's a guy that's not... That's texting you a lot and you're not texting him back that much. Uh, fuck you. That's a good point. It's a good point.

What does she do in Portland? What does she sell on Etsy? She's a crystal farmer? No. She does remote medical work more complicated than I can explain. Right, absolutely. Telehealth?

Somewhat, I don't know. I know something, insurance stuff. It's popular. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds about right. I do telehealth. You're managing properties, so that's like apartments in Portland?

Yes. So what's some of the crazy stuff that you've had to do? What's some bad stuff that you've seen? Well, I used to live here in Austin. Uh-huh. I have... For how long? How long?

How dark of a story can I tell you, Tony? Yeah, let's go. So... Brought to you by Shopify Talkspace Prize Picks and Play. I was... Shout them out. I was working here in Austin, Texas a few years ago, and, you know, close to the office, there was a smell.

a peculiar smell that no one, we were like, man, we've got to find the source of the smell. And eventually, we found a dead body. Wow. Yes, it had been dead for about, it's he, that was a person. He had killed himself maybe like three months ago.

Wow. Yeah. And it was just in the apartment? Yeah, right in the apartment. He prepaid his rent or whatever? Well, the reason why we couldn't find him is because he had auto pay on. Oh.

Wow. That's probably, I don't like my job. And the idea that they got extra money from this guy who was dead kind of bugs me. Yeah. But yeah, the re- So we find his body. No, no.

I'm gonna say his mom's name, but it's because it's relevant to the story. Okay. Because at a certain point, his mom showed up. The, no one could find his next of kin. His file was so old, we couldn't, it was a younger guy, his mom shows up. Dog had cancer.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Then what happened? But his mom shows up and she's like, hey, I'm looking for my son. And she points to that apartment right there, the one with the smell and all that. Oh.

And I was just an assistant at the time, and I go to my manager. She had a family member die recently. She couldn't speak. She left the office. I had to deliver the news. I had to deliver the news. Can you tell us how you broke it?

Yeah, you want to do a reenacting with jelly roll? Yeah. Shelley roll. Let's see it, is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. No, we love this. Sit, ma'am, sit down. I just, I wanted to, there's no easy way to say this.

He dead. He died. He's dead. Oh, wow. Dead. Somebody say. Somebody say. When you broke the news to her, did you leave out the part?

the part, like, did she ask how? Did she, I mean, she had no idea. We didn't know. We, uh... Man, fucking tell us, dude. We all came here tonight. We didn't know at the time. He shot his face with a shotgun. Wow.

Well, hold on. I blame, so his neighbors didn't hear anything. That's fucking wild. His neighbors were just like, I don't, that's not my business. Like, what a fucking... Wow. That's nuts. Did you happen to tell the mom that his body was decomposing for months before he was found? Yeah, no, I did.

I kind of walked her through the beginning of the story. We had suspicions. There was a smell in the apartment. We called the police. They found the body. You never want one of your maintenance guys to walk in there and have that on their conscience. But I was sitting on the ground holding her hand while she, by the way, whales, I'll never be able to forget. They only gave me one day off of work.

Wow. Who do you mean by they? Well, I still have to work with them. So, I'm gonna... The old lord of the land, the landlord. Lord of all the lands, obviously. I'm not lording over any land. I don't own any of this shit.

No, I know. I'm talking about that. There's a big rich guy, and he just tells me he's like, going to the apartments. And I'm like, I don't, that's illegal. The rich people have no idea. Is this guy blind? No, no. Okay, never mind.

That guy's blind, though. Okay. Why? Why are you curious about who's blind around you? Black on the inside, black on the outside. You were way more cross-eyed a second ago. Maybe you just relaxed a little too much, it's fine. He was just trying to focus on you.

He's sitting in the closest seat. He's trying to look at both of my ears at the same time. Wow. So you found it down. dead body, and that's a hell of a fucking, that's a hell of a thing. Yeah. I'm, uh, so

the point I wanted to get to is I'm holding the mom's hand, she's wailing, she's crying, and I ask her, I'm trying to comfort her. I'm like, what's your name? And she's like, I'm gay. Oh, shit. Her name is like gay lord, but just the gay part. I tried

not to laugh. That's not a, that's a terrible, it's so dark, but to be fair, he had been dead for like a month. Like, I was, over it. Right. Yeah. I was over it.

I was finding the humor. Yeah. We were already making jokes around the office that he was haunting the place. Yeah. And that's that's that story. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's great. Fun stuff. Fun set. Fun interview. Anthony Martin, ladies and gentlemen. Here you go, Anthony. Boom. Big joke book.

There he goes. Let's get one more bucket pull out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Gabriel Adam, everybody. Gabriel Adam. I recently learned... I don't think I just have to stand up here and make no jokes and you guys would all be cracking up.

I mean, this is great. Honestly, I love this. I recently learned there's some jokes you can't make in stand-up comedy. Last week I did this joke about beating my girlfriend. This guy knows what's going on. And now I can't fucking find her. I'm not sure who went and told her, but somebody gave her the courage to leave,

and now I can't. I'm still trying to figure out how she chewed through the chains. That beaver-toothed bitch fucking... She nibbled away to my heart. I don't know what else to tell you. Seriously, though, if anybody sees her, tell her, come. Okay, there you go. Gabriel Adam, one of the most interesting looking people we've ever seen in our lives. The verdict is in. You look hilarious. Theo Vaughn.

Wonderful. Give it up a comic McGregor right here. Now it's kind of cheap, man. I'm sorry. No, but it is nice you come out and people do, the fact you got 25 seconds of free laugh. I mean, it's great. It feels good. Yeah, probably made it a little bit easier, did it? No, not at all.

Oh, shit. It is so exciting. Dang, I was hoping that would have helped. You never know who will pop out here. Having the Bucky's mascot come out right now is just absolutely incredible. I'm still waiting for that brand deal money. I mean, any time now.

Very rare is someone both frightening and adorable at the same time, but somehow you kind of pull off both. Tell us about this life of you. I cannot wait to find out about this life. Oh, God. How old are you? I'm 31 years old. Okay, 301.

Wow. You look great. You do. You look good. Looks pretty good. I don't look at you. Look at God. It's the lucky charms, you know, I keep fucking eating them.

Okay, so let's talk about it. Where are you from? I'm from Austin, Minnesota. Whoa. Okay. All right. Yeah. You guys don't know where that is.

Don't lie. Okay. Where do you live now? I live in Austin, Texas now. Okay. How long have you lived here? I've been here for about a month and a half. for about a month and a half.

What made you move here? Your show. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? A month and a half. Okay. So you started a month and a half ago. This is amazing.

We're getting down to the bottom of it. I love it. Do you have a job here in Austin yet? I do. I'm an Uber driver. Amazing. Yeah. Is that way you did in Austin, Minnesota as well?

No, no, no, not at all. I was a car salesman. Okay. What kind of cars were you selling? I started with Subaru's, and then I went to Ford's, and then I went to Kiev. and wanted to kill myself, so I stopped. Wow.

Why did you choose those? Well, Subaru in Minnesota is super easy to sell. Yeah, exactly. All-wheel drive. Everybody's a lesbian. A bunch of liberal bulldikes up there. So, yeah. And then you went to Ford, so you had to sell to actual men.

I'd imagine that was hard. Yeah. So you're like, I'm going to Kia's and fucking... Well, it was complicated, actually. I had a fling with one of the clerks behind the desk, and it turned out kind of bad. Is that at Ford or Kia? That was at Ford.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you seem like a character from tires, dude? A hundred people. Doesn't you not, though? You really do. I mean that as a compliment, dude. Yeah, I take it as a compliment.

Seems like a character, bro. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love that show. Amazing, absolutely. So what kind of drugs have you done in your life to look 55 at 31? I've done pretty much every drug under the sun, my friend.

Yes, sir. Absuff- fucking lute. And what was your DOC? Is that what you guys call it? Yeah. What was your D-O-C? I don't know what that means. Drug of choice.

Oh, LSD all day. Wow. Yeah. It looks like it. Thank you. It looks like you rode here from Minnesota on a rocket ship. Yeah.

Like riding, riding it just like, ah! I figured if they can send a million of them to Ukraine, I could borrow one. When is the last time you did LSD? About two months ago. Tell me about it. That was an interesting experience. I watched this fucking documentary

on liquid or paper? Paper. Really? Yes, sir. Well, okay. Let's go to 1999. Fuck it. Fear and loathing in Minnesota.

Old fashion. He's a romanticist. So what did you do after taking the paper acid in Minnesota? Well, I had this really sick 4K home theater set up, so I had this like 128 inches of beautiful, gloriful, you know, it was an initiation. It's this documentary on Gaia about like, the dimensions and how fucking life is put together.

And it was beautiful. I like shot out of my body like four times and came back just laughing hysterically. Wow. Sounds like a blast. Hell yeah. Did you notice that you looked different after that trip? It fucking changed me.

That's for goddamn shirt. Absolutely. Yeah. Incredible. What's your love life like? Oh, it's not existent right now. I signed up for Sex Addicts Anonymous recently just to kind of see if I could meet somebody there.

That was a... It was a terrible idea. Did you really? I swear to God. How did you sign up? I think there's a lot of Zooms you can just go to. Well, when I showed up, I actually walked through the wrong door,

and it was just like five geriatric, like 80-year-old people, and I was really concerned at first. It turned out to me an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting there. But just a bunch of gay dudes talking about getting fucked in the butt a lot. Oh, shit. That's where we made. I knew I recognized you from somewhere.

You're the guy that walked in and came out. There you go. Thank you. Red Band's one fart noise per episode. Beautiful. Amazing. So, wow, that's who goes to sex addict. People that look like me, apparently. Amazing. What made you go to that?

Like, what makes you think that you're a sex addict? You know, sometimes I think I look a little bit too long at the gym, you know? you know, like... You're staring at women at the gym? Yeah, you know, like... Sure, that doesn't bother them at all. When they don't see me doing it, no, usually they don't.

Where do you like to hide... What do you hide behind when you do it? What's your favorite hiding spot at the gym to watch women work out? The first time I've asked that question in 13 years. Oh, beautiful, glad. We can get some firsts, just whatever machine I'm using, you know, just kind of peek a little bit behind, you know? Right.

I'm actually pretty blatant about it. I really don't hide it. Right. That's good. I like that. But you haven't been with a woman since you've been in Austin? I have not. No, I've had a few in my car, but that's because I drive Uber.

Have you kissed a woman since you've been in Austin? No, I haven't kissed. You know what? We have a little statement. We're coming up towards the end of the episode. We've been doing a thing on this show for 13 years where we ask if a lovely lady from the audience has the courage. We have the best fan base in the world.

So if there's a lady out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss, Now's the time to stand up. Is there a lady out here that you have to volunteer yourself. You can't just point at random women. No shame to put a wig on again, huh? Look at this guy. How can there not be a woman that wants to kiss this guy? Really?

Nobody? I literally see actual hookers in the audience, and none of them will do this. I guess Bucky mascot is not. not the best celebrity lookalike. Well, I mean, there's nothing more depressing than no woman wanting to. There's not that many women in here.

Well, it kind of is. I'm seeing a lot other than this table of fucking dudes. Whoa! How do you feel, my friend? I have to like fucking pinch myself, I think. I don't know. The whole thing, unbelievable. Amazing. Absolutely incredible.

Congratulations to you, Gabriel, Adam. Anything else for Gabriel, guys? Nope, nice to see you today. I'll see you with the next one. Listen, man, I think you were fucking hilarious, man. I wish you the best, brother. I think you've only been doing it a while, you said, but I think you're gonna kill it, keep doing it.

I appreciate that. I gotta tell you, I agree with jelly roll here. For doing it a month and a half, you have a really, really clever brain. Even the thing about, you know, going, signing up for a sex addicts class just to meet women. Like, you have an interesting brain, and I think you moved here. And I think you moved here for good reason where I don't always say that to a lot of people. But anyone who has a good eye for premises this early on, you'll always get better at doing it and writing it in your way.

And for a month and a half, it's fantastic. So you're leaving here with a big joke book, my friend. There you go. Gabriel Adam, everybody. Yeah, we will. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode. like this, everybody. And William,

oh my goodness. How about one more time for Heidi, everyone? What a legend. What a team player. Boss. The great William Montgomery is under the weather today, everyone. Yet again. He owes me money, that's why.

Yet again. However, William, I do believe, makes a cameo in Bus Boys out this Friday. Yep, William Montgomery is in Bus Boys. He'll be in there. Pam Patterson makes an appearance. A lot of the kill Tony family is in it. Casey Rockett, the man the myth.

He'll be back soon. Support the movie, y'all, support the movie. Theo Bach, David Spey, Buzz Boys, don't fuck this up! But before we get out of here, even though Williams under the weather, I do have an extremely special treat for you. He might be one of the top rising comedians on the world.

He might be one of the best already, if you ask me. This kid has been crushing, theaters all around the United States of America. You've seen his rise here on Kiltony, a monster, and one day a citizen of the United States of America. But he remains the Estonian assassin. You shouldn't, because a what? I get citizenship drafted.

Just yesterday, you guys know that America raised its age limit to 42 for the draft. and prior marijuana convictions don't matter. Wow, what an army you're building. And so 40-year-old losers. You know, in Estonia, we don't have any limits. We have compulsory military service. We're too small to pick.

Everyone goes. Wheelchair people, we send them. Oh yeah, we put a grenade in your lap and down syndrome people, we send them. Send them. Oh yeah, we have a whole squad. Estonian Special Forces. You think Special Forces means somebody rappels down and has night vision nights?

It's Nicholas with a soft serve ice cream. We send them! We get them all together in a parking lot, we connect them with a rope. We look them in the eyes and we tell them, listen, they killed Santa Claus. Mentally challenged, even women. We send them. I know you guys don't do that. By the way, the only way I'm going to war

is if I have a gay squad mate. I'm protecting that motherfucker more than the medic. He's the only one sucking dick back at the base, saving Dylan's life left behind. Thank you so much. That's my time. God damn, exactly. The joint harder than it's been rocked all night. The freak of nature, the assorting.

Estonian assassin doing it his way. So many funny beats in there, man. And you got the call today out of nowhere. Yeah, I couldn't pick one subject, so I just threw them all out there. I love it, man. It needs a better ending, but I'll fucking figure it out. Yeah, you will figure it out. I've missed you so much, Ari.

Oh, I missed you too, a red man. Oh, I missed you too, Red. Yeah, Ari's doing a thing right now where he's doing so good on the road that he's adding shows on Mondays, which is... What? Just pretty much unprecedented exactly, right? He's like staying and adding shows and getting crazy deals. It's amazing.

He's a killer man. He deserves it. Yeah. Thank you. Amen. Thank you, Jelly Roll. Holy shit.

You look so good, man. Thank you, Ari. Thank you, baby. Did you like Ozempiket or? No, no, I actually did it the old-fashioned way. With the God. Yeah, yeah. With the Lord.

Work and eight of months and. Do you get a lot of haters that like Osimpic, people that hate you for doing it that way? No, no. I just get people that just like, won't accept that I did it any other way. You know what I mean? Cheaters. Yeah, Osempic.

Cheaters looking. I don't mind it, though. Listen, man. All jokes aside, if you're like, fuck, dude, I was like dying fat. If you're dying fat, dude, anything to get the weight off. Shoot the shot, baby. Damn. Yeah.

Do you hear that, Red Band? It's never too late. I will say when Red Band hugged me, you could see he had a moment of self-awareness. I felt that it was. because he looked me in the eye and you could tell he said, man, I'm proud of you. And then a little sadness was in his eyes. I was like, it made me feel bad a little bit between.

I shouldn't even brought up. I'm sorry, Ripley. I love you. Horrible time, and I said, fucking, I theoed out right there. I should have waited until we were backstage. Absolutely perfect. Ari, touring's been going good. Yeah, I went to Florida for a month.

I'm now addicted to pills, great. Yeah, I went to Florida. I was so beautiful. Holy shit. I went to Fort Lauderdale. Great spot, you know. Yeah. I didn't like Miami too much.

Everyone, you know, always hype. I don't like coked out, oiled up men, you know. Yeah. You're all sex trafficking. Sex trafficking. Oh, well, I guess I'll go back. Adding shows in Miami. All weekend, dude.

Yeah, so like a fist fight. the beach, like between two guys, it was over a bungalow. Yep, that's Miami. It was like bungalows on the beach, and you know, when bitches see bungalows, you know, so the bungalow was taken, and the two guys and the two whores, they go to swim. They're, oh, yeah.

They go to swim, and then another two whores and two guys come take their bungalow. So their fucking fist, speedos on, just fucking, it's my bungalow. Dude, how angry do you have to be? be you're coming out of a refreshing ocean and you're combat ready if I come out of an ocean you could be raping my mom in the bungalow dude you're chill I'll be like whoa whoa everyone slow down what's up yeah Miami has super coked out and not into that I like

Naples old people love them love old fox it feels good when you're like when you know you're like on a beach and you can just murder everyone on the beach. Rula Peninsula. One steel in your bungalow there. What else did I do? Oh, I went to a Nike outlet store. Oh, tell us about an Estonian's experience

at a Nike outlet store. Yeah, I didn't know Nike has that. Yeah. Like shitty-ass products that don't do it. We just have the Nike store, which, by the way, looking at the things there, I think we get the outlet just without the word. So I go in.

Packed, packed with black people. Packed! Me and the cashier are only white people there. I see two big black bitches at the register. And when you see two big black women at the register, you know there's going to be an issue. You know this ain't going to go smoothly. Pre-talkie.

Dude, as soon as I opened the door, I just hear, You motherfucker, a piece of shit. They were trying to return an idol. Dude, they're trying to return like some shorts, and those shorts look like, they've been to Ukraine, dude. They're yelling, little, like, white girl at them just at the register. I'm sorry, that's an Adidas. Just a second. You know, before moving to America, I wasn't a racist, but after two years of living here, I'm beginning to see some patterns.

That's how it happens. That's how you get your citizenship. That's the final test. You have to be racist. Ari Maddie, your tour continues on and on. It's Ari-Maddy.com, without a doubt. I'm in Nashville soon, guys. I'll see you there, my friends.

Yes. Yeah, the boys will be there. Let's do it. I love you, Theo. I love you, Jelly. Make some notes for the great Ari Maddie. Bums Boys. Go see it this Friday in theaters.

Spock Pops! Support real. comedians making real comedy movies again. It's out this Friday, April 17th. Catch Jelly Roll here in Austin, the 23rd of April. And us at the Greek Theater. We're doing it together, buddy.

Yeah, man, us and Andrew Schultz. Hell yeah. We're gonna have a lot of fun there. That's gonna be a crazy week. Again, one more time for Shane Gillis, who's hosting the Roast of Kevin Hart. That's gonna be May 10. Theo Vaughn.

Yep, I wanna give a shout out to my producers that are here tonight, Zach Powers and Nick Davis. and Chin Sonye up there from Fighter and the Kid. I just want to say thank you guys for all the effort and making podcasts happen over the years. And yeah, thank you guys so much for just let me be a part of this.

And what a dude. So cool. I love to you. I love this today. And so thank everybody for being here. Praise God. Shelley Rolls. I love y'all. Thanks for letting me be one of the musicians

that could sit on the panel. Austin. Tony, I love you. Congratulations on what you build. To kill Tony, man, Red Band. Y'all deserve more than anybody in the fucking world. Y'all give it up for the evil genius, Tony, motherfucking heads clip, baby!

Thank you, my dear friend. And a shout-out to our production team, and we never get to shout out enough. The great Sarah Sloan, I, uh, everybody. Colt, Monica, Steve Dusty, uh, Billy, everybody. Redband.

I'll be in San Diego, July 9th, through 11th at the American Comedy Code.com. Love you guys. You get it. We're everywhere. Catch us in Vegas at Redmond. WrestleMania, Los Angeles at the Intuit Dome, New York City, Madison Square Garden, August 7th, and 8th. And one last time, thank you to Shopify Talkspace Prize, Picks, and Quote, and go see Bus Boys this Friday.