KILL TONY - #765 - ARI MATTI + DUSTIN POIRIER

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

Dustin Poirier, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, HansKim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, JoeWhite, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED–03/16/2026 Take control of your nicotine routine with Zippix. Get 10% off your first order with code KILLTONY at https://zippixtoothpicks.com Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/TONY Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. The comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's great.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for them, huh? Live podcasts in the world. Kill Tony brought to you this week by Blue Chew Prize Picks and Talk Space. What an amazing episode we have lined up for y'all. This is the hardest ticket to get in town South by Southwest Week. So congratulations to you. you guys. This sold out in seconds. So for the few of you lucky enough to be here at this show,

congratulations to you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made this all possible. There's more to life than finding the perfect car, but finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life, like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road, and the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams, or the van that's gone from just practical to practically family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going, start your search at autotrater.ca, Canada's car marketplace. This episode is brought to you by FedEx. These days, the power move isn't having a big metallic credit card to drop on the check at a corporate lunch. The real power move is leveling up your business with FedEx intelligence

and accessing one of the biggest data networks powered by one of the biggest delivery networks. Level up your business with FedEx, the new power move. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? This is an exciting one. It's unbelievable. You know, sometimes you have people from New York, LA, this, that. This one's special because this is one of the best comedians in the work right now and one of the greatest fighters of all time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the baddest motherfuckers on planet Earth, Ari Maddie and Dustin Porier. A fucking panel tonight, everybody. My God, we're gonna have so much fun. Ari Maddie's been on tour. Go check him out. He's on the biggest tour of his life at Riematti.com. How's it gone, buddy?

Yes, I was in Florida, so you can see, by the way, I dress now, things are different. I'm selling cocaine. It's cut in half with baby powder, but that's another thing. I love it. I just snort the baby powder. Yeah. I say, leave the cocaine out of it. I want to goo-go-gou-gaga.

Dustin motherfucking Porier, ladies and gentlemen. The fighting pride of Louisiana, future UFC Hall of Famer. and somehow you are on panel tonight on. And I didn't expect to be, so I'm a little, like, it's good, it's good. It's going to be great. I'm planning to be a spectator, but we're here. If anybody roasts you or makes fun of you or anything, just beat. I'll wait for him in the pork and line.

Yeah, beat the shit. You could do it on the show. We give you full permission. If it fucks up our ads or anything, we'll, like, blur it. But people will know that you're winning for sure. You know, I did MMA too. I went 0 and 3. You can go on sharedog.com.

You can check it out. Yeah. 0.13. If I tried stand-up comedy, I'd be 0-10. I don't know about that. I was really good at the gym, but when the lights hit you, I'm a bitch. And I see the opposite side of that.

I see guys great in the gym. When the lights hit you, they suck. I see guys suck in the gym when the lights hit them. They're world champion. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, I could be a world champion, I guess.

Well, I promise you that's going to happen on this show tonight. There are going to be people that think they are the best in the world and their name is going to get called and the lights are going to hit them. They're going to realize that millions of people around the world are watching them and the pressure is going to get to them. And some people are going to be terrible open micers and somehow we're going to fall in love with them perhaps.

But then again, maybe none of that happens. Anything can happen. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds, sun interrupted. You know, the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, live, completely improvised, and anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket.

And while we go wrangle this human from the dilapidated bar next door, I have a golden ticket winner who is back. And I mean, this kid's a freak. He was on the first Netflix episode taping here, and he's a monster. This guy's built for comedy. We will see what he's got for us tonight. This is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket winner. Pat O'Neill, everybody.

I'm on Tinder now. Grindr was too easy. I needed a challenge. I don't settle for that easy shit. Found my ex on that other app. Google Maps. Got you bitch fucking try and run from me. Dummy.

I cheated on her like she was a math test with a Chinese boy, but, you know, that's college for you. Went on a date with an older gal recently, told me she was going through menopause. I was like, oh, well, your mouth still gets wet, right? Fucking, we can make this work. Let's not get all hasty.

A lot of the women I've dated have been single moms after I'm through with them. Will cause and effect? Other night in bed, this black girl told me to eat her ass. I was like, I thought I already was. What's this thing then? So much going on down here. This is all so new to me.

All right, thank you. Pat O'Neill getting us started with a bang. So talented. I can't imagine you doing anything other than this. You look like a reptilian. fucking leprechaun of some kind. I mean, you are just a true comedian. You look like a confused bird.

I'm definitely confused. An amazing set, Pat. Is this true? Are you out there? Are you dating people? What can a woman expect on a date with Pat O'Neill? I don't know. A lot of this and...

Yeah. If they're lucky, I'll put my fingers in their pussy. Wow, if they're lucky. My goodness. If they're lucky, they'll get yours. You know, women- That's my move. The fingering.

Yes. When does that start on the date exactly? Is that a go-to, get it started with a bang? Yeah, I mean, ideally, but if she's classy, you'll wait an hour or two. Hell yeah. A lot of classy bitches out there, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Amazing. Amazing. Incredible. You ever take them back to your bird house or anything? Do you go to theirs? Well, yeah, I got a bed. Yeah, you got a bed? Do you have your own apartment? I do.

You live by yourself? Yeah, believe it or not. Yeah, no, I believe it. I don't think you're exactly the most in-demand roommate on the market right now. Look. Not a lot of people are into a permanent Halloween decoration when every time they get home. Ah. Love it.

What's hanging on your walls at your apartment? Like what paintings are... It's a great question, Red Band. Wow, look at you. Did you think of this before the episode? That's a great question. Like, nothing. Honestly.

See, that's a great question because it leads to a frightening answer. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, absolutely nothing at all? No. Like, when you bring girls back to that nothing, what's the game? I'm like, there's a TV.

Uh-huh. Bitch. Wow. Yeah, got to get him a little. Is TV on the floor or? No, no, it's on the wall. I paid a fella. Oh.

Before Trump won. He was still here. Oh, got it. Got it. Mexican. Mexican. Got political there. They're still around.

Too many, if you ask me. Anyway, I'm kidding. I just say I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, everyone. Anyway. So how could you hang a TV, but absolutely nothing else.

I mean, normally, like, high schoolers, college kids, they at least have, like, unframed posters or something. I'm open to advice, if you have suggestions. You've never thought of this at all before? No, I don't know.

What am I supposed to put on my walls? Hot dudes, Tony? What the fuck? I don't know why that would be your first go-to. Do you have interesting paint colors at your apartment? Like, you know, like... Oh, you're right back to your normal level of questions, I see. You have normal paint colors in your apartment.

Like a nice yellow wall. Are there any plants? There's no fucking way this guy's got a plant. Everything is dead in that apartment. I got a candle recently. I felt fancy about that. Is it a scented candle? Yeah.

What is the scent of that candle? It's like fucking vanilla or something. Wow, look at you. Mr. Romance. Yeah, yeah. Just one candle. Yeah, I'm working my way up. What's the candle sitting on?

Is it like a dining room table, a side table? Yeah, a table. What kind of table? I'm curious. Is it a children's school desk or something like that? No, that'd be dope. See, you're into weird shit. It's a four-legged wooden table.

Okay. What are its dimensions? Give me a ballpark here. Three by... Ten by six... we talking feet or inches here this is a massive table it's quite the regal table

in such a six year right I have no idea 10 foot by six foot with nothing on the wall the apartment is 10 foot square foot he lives in an interrogation room ladies and gentlemen we're finding out a lot about Pat O'Neill

you're so far from it have a seat just lights one candle in the middle of this giant table what are you a king I just fucking write jokes and stare at a monitor. I get it.

It shows, brother. Like I said, you are an absolute fucking hilarious motherfucker. It's incredible. I'm going to throw Dustin under the bus here.

What do you think about this guy? If you just... Oh, God. Whatever you say, there's no wrong answer. I don't know, man. Thinking of this guy coming home to an empty,

clean wall apartment, it's kind of freaky, man. I agree. He is scary than you. Somehow. You got a cut. Yeah. Yeah. Somehow he is scary.

He said to watch a movie like the Dahmer. You're gonna just watch a movie. For sure. What's your kink? Ooh, good question. You have a thing. Missionary.

Wow. You stare at your eyes. Missionary on a giant empty table. With one candle. Pat, you're the fucking man, dude. Thank you for getting tonight's episode started. That's how it's done. That's a golden ticket winner.

Now we go to the book. This is the beating heart of the show. This is where we meet everybody. This is where we met R.E. Maddie. This is where we met Pat O'Neill. Everybody. William Montgomery, you name it. Everyone was found out of this bucket.

This could be the next star, or it could be somebody who isn't the next star. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. Anastasia Nogadraga. Anastasia Nadraga. I flew here. On a blunt. I'm from Austin.

I'm in Austin. So basically what happened was I didn't plan to be here and then now I'm here. So this guy told me not to say his name on stage, Jimmy Prescott. And he invited me because he said that sometimes I'm funny, but only when people aren't around. Usually I do crowd work, but that's found upon when there's only 60 seconds, so, because y'all take too long to think. But I think it's kind of crazy that the Epstein files dropped and everybody just sort of like, cool, yeah.

That's what they're doing. I approve of it. We're not going to do anything about it. We all know what's going on and we're just going to, woo. So anyway, that's why y'all are here. You're avoiding reality. And that's why I'm here. I'm also avoiding reality.

I think I'm funny. Clearly you guys don't, though. All right. That is the full minute from me. Anastasia Nadraga, ladies and gentlemen. I was warming up. Let's say, well, yeah, I bet you were. Let's check in with R.E. Maddie.

See, Dustin, this is me at M.MA. It looks like you get pummeled. Anastasia, the mental illness is staggering. Let's talk about it. So what made you sign up for this exactly? Your story is that a friend peer pressured you into this, basically? Are you a mind reader? Can you hear what else I'm thinking?

You said that. five seconds ago. Oh. Well, he said mental illness, so, you know. Ah, yeah. Again, I don't have to read minds to be able to see what's going on in there, Anastasia. Anastasia?

Are you like Russian? Oh, my God. We don't talk about that. What are you a fucking mind reader? That's not politically correct in this day of age? Anastasia, let me ask you a question. You brought up the Epstein files, and then you said basically nothing

other than we should be doing something. What do you think we should? should do. What do you think we should all be doing now that the Epstein files have dropped? I don't know. You know, I think it's up to each individual what they want to do, you know. Great answer, Anastasia. Great answer. You're solving the world. And you want to be Pat O'Neill's couch. So let's talk about it. Have you ever seen the show before? You're just a friend made you do this. Yeah. Right. Have you ever seen the show? Do you know where you are right now? I think that time is running out and it's the end of the world.

So that's where I am right now. Okay. Wow. Doesn't get much worse than you. You're the worst. You can't answer basic questions. And you love it. I can tell.

Look at that. Look at that. Fear in your eyes. You're done. You get nothing. Go. Woo your way through the rest of your life. I can't imagine what the rest of it's like.

Go, go that way. Yikes. That is proof, ladies and gentlemen, if you need it. Wow. What a pallet cleanser, the lovely Heidi, everybody. By the way, that, Anastasia is proof that the bucket is real. Let it be known.

This is a very random, improvised show. I mean, holy shit. Either she has serious problems. No, yeah, she has serious problems. Hello there. This episode is brought to you by Zippix Nicotine Toothpix. Zippix gives you a clean, convenient, and satisfying way to curb nicotine cravings

without smoke or vapor. Red band. Tony, I love Zippics. It's the best nicotine product out there. Here's why people are switching to Zippics. It's made with simple ingredients and plant-derived nicotine. They come in two milligram or three milligram options or a smooth controlled release.

And there's six great flavors to choose from. I absolutely love these things on airplanes, anywhere you can sneak one. It is really amazing. Plus, it helps satisfy the hand-to-mouth habit, which you know I love. You can use it anywhere, even we're smoking and vaping or banned.

It's a discrete, better-tasting alternative to traditional nicotine products. Zippix also offers caffeine and B-12, toothpicks if you're cutting back on nicotine or just want an added boost. So take control of your nicotine routine with Zippics. Get 10% off your first order with code kill Tony at Zippix toothpicks.com. These things are unbelievable. I mean it. Try them. Get 10% off your first order with code kill Tony at Zipix toothpicks.com. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, as you see, could be one of the next big comedians in the world or absolutely a retard that was talked in to

coming on a show while having zero talent or preparation whatsoever and the inability to answer basic questions. And his name is Benny Bruce. Let's give him a shot. Put your hands together for Benny Bruce. I just started playing dominoes. Anyone like playing dominoes? Yeah, dominoes, I found it really exciting.

It's like every time you put another piece down, you're like, oh, is it going to make a swastika? I just moved here to Texas, hooked up with my first Latina. That was pretty cool. Other than, like, I'm not really into Dirty Talk. I started going down on her, and she's like, see, car rico, puppy.

I put my finger over her lips. I was like, shh, I don't like Dirty Talk. Speak English. Fuck yeah, buddy. Thank you very much. Benny Bruce, making it look easy after Anastasia Nara. That was awesome. Thank you.

How long you been to stand-up? Just over a year. Nice. But I moved here a month and a half ago. And that's when I really hit it hard. Where were you at originally before this? Where is the Medium Lobowski from, exactly? Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Okay. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. How recently did you move here? A month and a half ago. Nice. Nice. I moved out of Michigan in August, though.

I just took my time traveling around the country. That's awesome. Tell us about that. What was that like traveling the country? What stood out to you? What did you learn about yourself? That I need a better car. I got stranded in Alabama for a little over a month because my transmission went out.

The car got stranded with you. Yeah. Let's check in with Dustin Porier. How long? have you been working for the, for ISIS sex department? What do you do for work? How do you make money? What exactly, what type of vapes do you sell?

I just got a job like three weeks ago here. I'm a brand ambassador for a flooring company. For a flooring company. Yeah, go to like home shows and like, you want your floors updated? I love that. So you are very Lebowski-esque. He was looking for a rug.

And you are a flooring ambassador. Tie the room together. Indeed. How much marijuana do you have to smoke a day to wear the exact outfit that you're wearing? Is that about a quarter ounce or so? You know, consistently. Yeah.

I love it, Benny Bruce. You're a very, very funny guy. How much material do you think you have of that quality if you had to string a set together? I mean, the most I've ever done is only five minutes, but I mean I think I could probably do 10. Yeah, cool. Well, you're in the right place to do it now.

What do you love about Austin? Just like the opportunity. I can go up on stage every day multiple times. Yeah. In Grand Rapids it was like a couple times a month. Yeah. It was tough. Grand Rapids, Michigan is a very tough, weird, quirky place.

Yeah. What was that like? We were parents together? Yeah. You have a normal American Pie family? I was like raised Catholic and stuff. They're loving? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Even to you? Oh, yeah. I was the firstborn. I'm the favorite. I love it. I love it. And what do they think about your pot smoking stand-up comedy aspirations?

They're about it. I love that. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, my parents are very supportive. What's your love life like? Are you currently in love with a water bong or something like that? I, uh, the reason I moved, I was engaged for two years.

years and that didn't happen anymore. So then I was like, what happened? It was Anastasia. She started talking and he's like, dude, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm taking my shitty car and I'm just driving anywhere. I'm gonna fucking go straight to Alabama to start. I'm gonna start comedy, fuck it. I'd rather be stranded in Alabama than Anastasia.

What did go wrong with the engagement? We fought a lot. We did too many drugs. What kind of drugs are we talking about here? A lot of psychedelics. Ketamine was a big one. Yeah, but I've been off of all of it since I moved. Nice.

Very good. Still weed, though. How's it helped, like, your comedy. What's that? Going, coming off, how does it help like your comedy? Because you started, you were all fucked up, huh? Yeah. I mean.

On ketamine. I started, you know, like a year and a half ago or whatever, but, like, I wasn't taking it seriously. until I moved here. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah. Still, I would write shit, but now I'm like really writing shit,

getting up all the time. Yeah, that was a good set. Thank you. Good, really, two good, really good jokes. Thanks. Yeah, that was the first time I ever did the Dirty Talk one. Really?

Yeah, I only wrote it. Yeah, that was awesome. That's amazing. That's a great joke. Benny Bruce, I see a bright, bright future ahead of you, man. You have some really funny jokes. Thanks. And a good style.

I'm excited. comedians in the world are people that used to do a lot of drugs that no longer do drugs and fill that brain space and shit with writing and performing and stuff so keep up the great work and good luck in the future here's a here's a big joke book we're gonna keep it moving along we're flying on to the next one there he goes make some noise for your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen in it's Bryce Wright right right Let me hear some noise, Austin.

I just want to give you an introduction to myself. I'm mixed, black and white. I dropped out of school and all my math from drug dealing. And I'm actually the best of my whole family at math, right? Because I'm half black. The rest of my family I hang around is white. But for some reason, I always refer to me as three-fifths. Which I never understood because the fraction is actually one-half.

But it's hard being mixed, you know, because people always get so nosy. I always have to ask the same question. Like, oh, which parent is mixed? Which parent is black? Which parent is white, you know? But I never tell him, I just kind of give him a hint. Someone's like, is your mom black or is your mom white? And I was like, um, my mom is fat.

And for the white people to understand that, I just don't know my dad. That's the real reason. But yeah, man, I feel like human connection is really important. I talked to a guy the other day. I said, yeah, man, I'm a comedian. He said, wow, I was an actor in New York for 10 years. And then I sung in the opera for five years. And then my whole career got ruined because I got throat cancer.

So now he's a mime. All right, that's all the times. All right. Bryce. Right. Welcome to the show. Thank you. How old are you?

I am 21. 21 years old. Yes, sir. Wow. So how old are you really? I am. That's the preferred answer. 21.

Are you really? 21? Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? I produce comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida. How do you make money? Producing comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida.

How many comedy shows do you produce a month? Two different venues, usually about three to four. Okay. And that's doing it for you. How do you drop people to your venues? Meta ads, retargeting, ads, marketing, all that. Okay. How much money do you have? Well, I run comedy shows, so not much at all.

Just give us a ballpark. How much have we checked your Chase Savings account? right now. What would be in there? Probably on average, about 2000, probably. Okay, all right. And now you live in Austin? Oh, no, no, no, I don't live here. I just visited. You're still in Jacksonville? Yeah, still in Jacksonville.

What's your rent? I live with my parents. Nice. Okay. Yeah. Both of the... Pure profit. Yeah. Jail fucked me up, man. The prophet king. Jail fucked you up? You said jail fucked you up.

Yeah, jail fucked. Here we go. We are back. This is kill. Tony. 21 already in prison. Yes. What the F?

Drugs. Obviously. Yeah, this is fucking... Just marijuana? Yeah, just marijuana. A gun, but this fucking... Okay. All right.

You can't have... You got to have them both together. You never know if you're going to get robbed. Gun. Yeah. Huh. So let's talk about it. Like, what were you doing when...

When that happened? Like, you were... You got pulled over? Yeah, I was getting pulled over going through Clay County. And I think, I thought I was slick because I used to just think when I turned my high beams on so I could see the reflectors of like sheriff cars that are

like waiting for people in the spot. Oh, brilliant. They'll never notice you if you do that. You get to see them first. Genius. Where do you get this weed from? I want some. Man, you get that shit shipped. Did you tell the cops that the white side of you told the black side not to sell the drugs?

Dustin Porrier. Boom. Boom. That's the best base. That's the best base. M.M.A and then comedy. It works perfectly if you don't have C.T. Or if you do have it, it might work out.

Yeah. Fuck you, Bryce, right? Okay, so what did the cops say when he came up to the car? He said, I'm detecting the odor of marijuana? Yeah, and then I was... And you're like, how did you even see me, dude? My brides were on, and then they weren't on, and I was basically flashing my lights at you.

Dude, you do look like... That is crazy that drug dealers always look like drug dealers too. Dude, when I pull you over, I'm literally like, I'm searching this whole car. It's free advertising, dude. I gotta let him know I got it. Yeah, they told me first thing, obviously, it smells like weed. I was like, you know, that's not probable cause,

because I saw some shit on TikTok. I was like, no. No, that's not... What are you talking about? Okay. So, they said, They love that. Police love that when you tell them, nah-uh. Nah-uh.

I know my rights. Where's the gun? Where's the gun? The cop is talking to you. Where's the gun? You sound just like him. It was in the glove compartment. Okay. And you were like, looking for...

Is the license there? Right. You're like, I'll... My registration's right in. Cuduk. Oh, fuck. You know if they see a gun, they shoot. Luckily, your skin tone, you're safe.

You better thank yo, mama, boy. All right. D. Madness now knows exactly what you look like. Well, the method is, and I feel like I'm going to go back to jail for saying shit like this, but the method is you, is you keep the gun and the glove compartment and you take out the registration and you take out the insurance and you keep it just anywhere else, like the center console.

And I remember I grabbed for the glove compartment by instinct, And then he knew instantly. Really? He knew something's in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then, okay.

So then, so then, so then, so then, so then. So. You give the registration. It's expired. Yeah, it was. Was it really? Was it really? There was an issue, wasn't that?

No, it wasn't expired. I think what God knows when I was like, my mom has to text me a picture of the insurance, the Geico. So that was. Okay. So then. Then. How fast was her response just,

static curiosity. Was it immediate? She did not respond. Wow. Was it late at night? It was, yeah, it was late at night. It was no decision either. Yeah. So then, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Did it get out of the car or what's the... Tell you get out of the car. Uh-huh. They go to search it. He pulls open the passenger door. Why would you search in the glove box, right? That's exactly what I thought. What a fucking idiot, right? So he opens it and the partner just looks up

and they instantly put me in cuffs. Yeah. And then I go to jail. How long did you go to jail for? Like, fucking solid 12 hours, bro. I bonded out. What the fuck do you just? Wow.

I got drug money, motherfucker. I'm bonding out of this shit. Hell yeah. $2,000 bucks. $2,000. What did you learn in that 12 hours in jail? What surprised you? What stood out to you?

Okay, the jail was actually not that bad at all. It was Clay County. And I'm in Jacksonville, so that's Duval County. I mean, that's the closest. ever been to living on your own, so I'd imagine it was pretty nice for you. Yeah, so I think the- Shout out Clay County Jail, by the way.

How could I skip over the compliments? I think the biggest thing I'd notice was like, it was actually really nice, that people were nice, and when I got in there, like, all- Oh yes, the Clay County Jail. The Clay County Jail. Welcome. For all of you gun-yielding pot smokers

that look like Krusty the Clown, we have well, we have, welcoming gates. Come on in. Make sure you keep your gun in your glove compartment like a real fucking dumbass. And we shall roll out the red carpet for you. Did you get to eat while you were there?

They have a little snack for you? I didn't eat shit in there. I knew I was boned out. Hell yeah. How much was the bond? $1,500. Oh, my God. Mom had to cover it.

Huh? Mom. Mom had to cover it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She had to take out some income tax money for that one. Damn.

Yeah, I had a feeling you weren't making that much producing shows once in Jacksonville. But 2000, a month is a good lie. Bryce, what else is going on your life? You single? No, no, no, no. I got a... My girl's actually right out at Shakespeare right now. She's a very little woman.

She gives her rim jobs every day. I'd never cheat on her. Is that true? She eats your ass. Fucking gross. Always. Imagine being a girl. girlfriend at that shithole bar supporting your boyfriend while he's on stage.

Yeah, she ribs me every day. Yeah. My asshole is cleaner than that bar by all due means. I will tell you. By looking at the overall thing, I disagree. Yeah. Show me your asshole. Show me a little bit.

Let's see it. By all due means, ladies and gentlemen, by all do means, how do you keep your ass so clean? The world wants to know. I'm getting this in my ear right now. this in my ear right now. Okay. So you ever heard of dude wipes? Yes.

They got a new flavor of dude wipes called Dumpkin spice. It's a pumpkin spice dude wipes. Every time a girl eat your ass, she's like, it smells like fall. Perfect. White girls love it. See her in the front row.

She loves it. Look at her. Yeah. There's Red Bands One Fart Noise this episode. So you keep these pumpkin-spiced dude wipes on you? Always. Do you have one on you right now? No.

It's back at the Airbnb. Okay. All right. Do you have any other flavors, as you call them, of dude wipes? This is a great dude wipe commercial. No, I think... I wish they were paying me... I think they got bubble gum flavor recently.

I haven't tried that one. I don't know. I'll see what that's going on. Wow. That's amazing. The mint one's the best one. The mint one's the best one. Oh, it fucking hurts, though.

Red Band just eats the wipes. And it's good for bad bread. You should give it to your woman. All right. Bryce, right. You did a, you did, you did something. You're leaving here with a medium-sized black joke book. This is what black looks like.

Oh, and he did not test it. He is truly mostly white, ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, the bond man. Thank you, sir. With all due means, you deserve it. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Bryce Wright, everybody. Thank you guys for having me.

Shout out Rout Rooftop Comedy Show, Duvon. All right, there he goes, everybody. About to rest your ass again. We have cops right over here. Hello, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Quo. If your team is still operating like a group chat with commitment issues,

That's a problem. Nothing kills momentum faster than an opportunity, slipping through the cracks because everyone assumed everyone else was on it. Eventually, you look at the chaos sigh and think, let's fucking quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled QUO, the smarter way to run your business communications red band. Tony, Quo is the best business phone system hands down. Quo works wherever you are, right from an app on your phone or a computer. It lets you keep your existing number. And you could add new numbers or teammates in minutes. Sink your CRM and rely on seamless routing and call flows as your business scales.

That's right. Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. No more missed messages or disconnected conversations. Everyone sees the full thread making replies faster and customers feel genuinely cared for. It's easy. calls, text, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details, all with one clean live view with the context at your fingertips. Your team communicates faster, stays aligned, and delivers a more personal experience.

Make the time where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try Quo for free. Plus, get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash kiltony. That's QUO.com slash kiltony. Quo, no miss calls, no missed customers. There's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus.

It's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. All right, let's get another bucket pull up here, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Eddie Adams, everybody. Eddie Adams. Ladies, who runs the world? Ladies, who runs the world? Y'all want to put some money on that? My uncle, he's been in the news a lot lately. You may have seen him. inherited this book? Everybody keeps asking me is Trump's name in this book.

Guys, his name is not in this book. Oh, but that's weird. Brian, your name's in this book. Oh, fuck my gold. Uh, okay, everybody's stay calm, don't move. I gotta get that. Brian, your name's in this book. That's crazy. Tony, you're safe, though. I would have okay, that's over a minute from Eddie Adams. Where are we gonna sit there? I'm safe, what? I wouldn't expect you to go to an island full of girls. All right, very good. There you go. Eddie Adams,

doing a very kiltony, centric set there. I like it. Eddie, how long have you been doing stand-up? Been doing it for five years. Where at? Started in Atlanta and then Houston. You still live in Houston?

I do, yeah. What made you do Houston? What made me do Houston? I was trying to get closer to family. They live in Houston. They lived in Dallas, but I was relocating back to Texas. So it's way closer.

than Atlanta. Okay. Yeah. It's a pretty far drive. Yeah. You came out like really gay and then... Did you notice he came out really gay and then it faded away? Yeah.

Came out gay, ended up being Jewish somehow. That's a way to please everybody in show business. Hello! Surprised you did host the Oscars last night or something like that. Gay and Jewish. Are you gay? I am not gay. That's incredible. You sounded gay.

All right, Eddie. So five years, and how long have you lived in Houston? Three years. What do you do for work? I sell cars. You do that in Houston? I do. What kind of cars do you sell?

Toyotas. Are you actually Jewish? I am. So that's your real Yamika. This is the one that I was bar mitzvah. Wow. Okay. Broke it out of the closet for this.

Absolutely. I also came out of the closet for this show. Seems like a gay yarmaca, though. Very gay yarmaca. My goodness. What makes it a gay yarmaca exactly? It's not like black, it's like a flower or something. It is.

Wait, that's the exact same, that's made from the drug rug that Benny Bruce wore earlier. Is it gay because it's the same color as your microphone? Whoa. Stop it. Oh my God, you're getting roasted by a Toyota car salesman. Oh my God. Oh my God. What kind of Toyotas are you slinging the most?

What's your specialty? Tacoma's. Okay. Let's do a little thing here. I just walked into, but I'm not me. I'm just a normal stranger. And I just walked into your car dealership. Hey, what's up, man?

I'm looking for a car. We got some pretty good pre-owned vans in the back. You want me to go show you them? All right. Eddie Adams, not gay. He swears he's not gay. What's your love life like? You have a girlfriend right now?

I just got married. Oh, congratulations. She's Jewish as well? She is not Jewish. Whoa, what is she? We, she is agnostic. White, just a normal white lady. Where'd you meet her at?

Hinge. Hinge. Okay, and that's the one. Explain to people what Hinge is? Hinge is probably like the one where you're not really trying to get laid. You're more trying to go on a date. So, gay. Red band.

Hit your sound effect, Red band. That's a good one. It's more for brunch. He doesn't know where his own sound effect is, everybody. All right, it's broken right now. I think it's on that board, by the way, because I know the thing better than you. It's this one.

It crashed just recently. Perfect. Why would you... Why would you... Why would you possibly get it fixed before tonight's taping? Oh, okay, perfect. It's good to know that we're running the same iPad that we've had since the show started 13 years ago. How long you guys been together?

Oh, we've been together three and a half years. Engaged tour? Oh, yeah, he said married, I'm sorry. Yeah. How long were you engaged? One year. Okay. Where was the wedding at? The wedding was in Houston.

Wow. What made you do with you? it in Houston. That's where her family's at. So, you know, she's got a big family and did want to have to make some of her older relatives travel. Wow.

Okay. What's crazy? Do you have any special skills or talents, Eddie Adams? Special skills, talents? No. You collect anything? You have any hobbies or anything like that?

Is there something quirky and funny? How do you feel about Iran? Salam, Chetori. What does that mean? It means, hello. How are you in Farsi? Have we got any Persians in here? No? All right.

All right. Really winning the crowd over here with your... Yeah, God. Bombing. Wow. I can't believe the kill Tony crowd even gives that credit, but all right. All right, Eddie.

You really don't do anything other than comedy sometimes and sell cars? I love soccer. Love watching soccer. I watch it religiously. There's a little Latinos over there. Yeah, yeah. That's gay.

This is a new sound effect, everybody. When the sound board crashes, you just have to do it on your own. Interesting. I feel like there's something I'm missing here about you, Eddie. I feel like there's something you're keeping from us. No, I feel like now would be a good moment to just address. The whole reason I got into comedy was I went to a house party when I was in Atlanta. I knew no one I was trying to make friends.

And I went out to get a drink from the cooler. And a guy named Marcel, I've never seen him again. He said, what do you do? And I told them I was selling cars. And he said, is that what you grew up wanting to do? And I said, no. No one had ever asked me that. Said, well, what did you want to do? And I said, make people laugh.

And you said, well, do you promise within a year you'll try to do that? Will you try comedy? And I agreed to do it. And it was COVID, so I never saw him again. I moved away. Anyways. Gaye. Marcel, if you're listening, you started this.

Here you go. You need, if there's anybody I know that needs to write actual jokes, it's you. So there's a big joke book. There he goes. Betty Adams. He's killed Tony debut. We'll see him again sometime. All right.

We have a special treat for y'all. We have a very well-known great comic out of New York visiting during the festival South by Southwest season. Who's going to do a minute for us? Maybe a little touch more. We're going to let her go. Ladies and gentlemen, you know,

make some noise for Karen Feehan, everybody. Here she is. Special treat, a real kid me. This is so exciting. Hi. Hi, hi, Dustin. Hi. How are we?

I don't know. Some of you guys might not know it. My name's Karen. I'm from Massachusetts. I was in the Boston Ballet for about 10 years. That's why I'm a racist anorexic. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I eat. I'm also an alcoholic. I have a very helpful tattoo. It says, don't serve me on my arm. It's okay. Bartenders can't read cursive. And so whenever I miss blacking out, I just sleep with an MMA guy.

I see a cauliflower here. Flood. It's not. It's not good. People are so mean about MMA guys. They're like, they're so dumb. I'm like, no, their brains are just on the outside now. I'm just kidding.

They're pretty dumb. I do this thing last, I do this thing. I let him come in me. And then I go, hey, let's see if this kid's a fighter. That was awesome, Karen. How's life going? It's really good. Thanks for having me.

Absolutely. Is it true? Have you ever been with a M.MA fighter before? Yeah, I like Gary Tonin come in me. Whoa. He's the lion's hammer. Look him up. Ooh, have you ever heard of Gary Tonin before? Yeah.

Okay. Yes. Yes. Really. Thank you. Have you ever let an O.N. 3 fighter come in you before? Anything can happen, right? I think you might be O in four after this.

Karen, you're great. You're from New York. You live in New York. That's right. I love New York. I love Austin, though. Hell yeah. There's some similarities between Manhattan and Austin. Like in Manhattan, we have ladies who lunch. And here, you guys have ladies who poop in their shoes.

I'm can't. It's like Cinderella. And they step in it. It's so fun. So many Winnie the Poos out there, all shirts, no pants. I love them. I love it. They're out there. I love it here. They are. Are you racist?

No, no. That was just a joke. I do like guys coming me, though. I don't know. If you were going to be racist. Right, which one? What race would you pick? I'm just kidding.

I mean, I don't know. Jews? Yeah. I love Jews. I went on a bachelorette trip with 14 Jewish women. I'm not Jewish. If you really love Jews and Toyota's, boy, do I have a guy for you to meet.

Karen, you're fantastic. Thanks for coming in. Karen Feehan, everybody. Very funny. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys having fun out there? We're back to the bucket, everybody. We're going to meet one all together by the name of Luke Aaron. Put your hands together for Luke, everybody. Dating is hard nowadays. I was sleeping with this one girl. I absolutely loved her. I would have done anything for her. But it turns out she had no heart beat. It annoys me when old people say, oh, you guys have it so easy nowadays.

Like, yeah, y'all had to go to war or whatever, but we also had to deal with trauma. You know, I remember I was like, we had to deal with porn advertisements. I remember I was like 12 years old, and I looked up nude girl with breasts. And then all of a sudden an ad pops up for where, you know, there was,

a midget that got gang banged by basketball people. You know, that, that shit scarred me. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah. So for the old people, for their trauma, they got called a hero and got a purple heart. All I got was called a pervert and got a purple boner. All right, thank you.

That's my time. All right. Yeah. Luke Aaron, you've been on this. the show a couple times are you maddie i was on panel yes my first time yeah i remember yeah basketball people like black people yes yes yes that was like the joke that was the joke yeah like yeah like yeah i got that one yeah now last time you were on you did awkward poetry i did awkward poetry and the first time you were on you said you don't want to do open mics because you're afraid people

will steal your material am i yes was that you still with the girlfriend that you mentioned Actually, yes. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. So I know you guys, you guys hated the poem the last time, but I do have another poem, but this time, this time, I may, I, you know, this one's a little more serious this time. Am I allowed to read it? How long is the poem?

It is shorter. I know anything is short. I had to stop you last time. How much shorter is it? It's a bit shorter. If you had to guess the length from the start to the end of the poem. Two minutes. That's crazy.

You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. Is there anything we don't know about you from the interviews that you've been on? I can juggle. I'm actually hilarious, but I just, I didn't, I didn't, it's not coming across right now, but I swear.

And then I also, I also have a poem. What? Are you? Also, the person that hates, you're very religious, right? Yes. So, yeah, yeah, I am. I was. I'm not anymore.

I've kind of, in college, I like, I really, in college, I really like. All right. Dude, you got to, sorry. You got to take a break from signing up for this show. This is, like, unbelievable. You don't prepare, you don't test out any material anywhere,

and you just write very long poems that nobody wants to hear. Rhyming, like, isn't that crazy or hard. Poems aren't really a thing anymore. What? I want to hear what your response is to that. Have you never had anybody tell you you fucking stink before in your life? No. Yeah, maybe a few people.

You ever play sports? I bet you never played sports. Did you ever play sports? I did play sports. What sports? Basketball. Yeah, yeah. Where?

Where? Wisconsin. Oh, you're probably fucking great in Wisconsin basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Did you play, were you a starter on your team in basketball? I was a starter, but there was about 10 people or 10 guys in my high school that were, you know, capable of playing, you know. One was in a wheelchair.

Three of us had autism, you know, so I made the team. Right. Yeah. Is that the group of guys that bang the midget? Bang the Midget? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, see, I just don't think you've ever had, like, I don't know, a reality check

of any kind. If you're not doing open mics and you're just coming here and barely getting through a set and then going, but I have a very long poem, that's not what this show is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to have to figure out something else. Or do open mics and figure out if the material that you're going to be, you're going to do on this show works at all. You're really not doing open mics?

I do, I do it every once in a while. I do kick buck coffee, and then which other ones I've been to? Which other ones? How many times a week? One in Wisconsin. Zero times a week. Probably a total of five open mics total ever.

Am I correct? Probably. Oh, this is 10. All right. Yeah. So there you go. This is bad. Yeah.

You got to open mics. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You got to do something else, buddy. All right. All right. Give it six months. Sign up again in six months, okay?

Okay, okay. Yeah, this isn't just the get attention show. Okay. There you go. I'm sorry. Yes, with a mic minimum. Matt Mueling, who never talks, has a great idea. You have to do at least fucking 50 open mics before you sign up again.

You have six months to do that. That's not that hard. Okay. Okay, there you go. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony exit of Luke Aaron. Sometimes shit gets real. You got a girl that didn't. know what she was signing up for?

You have a guy that literally just wants attention. And there you go. Gay. I remember something about him. He said last time he was angry at his girlfriend for showing too much skin. Remember that? Like he hated showing our legs and stuff like that.

Weird stuff. Okay, dokey. All right. Okay. Hey, Luke, you want to come be the sound guy for the rest of the episode? We need some poems. All right.

Soccer fans, your chance to witness history is here. You can win tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2026 final thanks to Visa. All it takes is a BMO Visa credit card to winner. Sign up and enter at BMO.com slash contest. Contest rules apply. Your next bucket bowl, anything can happen, clearly. Clearly anything can happen. It goes by the name of Chase Standard.

everybody, Chase Stand it. What's going on, y'all? I've got a new girlfriend. She's kind of pushy in the bedroom. Like, she's very instructional. Like, God, every time I go down on my girl, I feel like I'm playing a fucked up game, a bop-it. Because I'm down there with my A game.

I'm doing my best, and she's just giving me instructions, like, flick it, lick it. Kiss it, suck it, push it, pull it, lick it, suck it, suck it, suck it. Pop it. Also, can we be real? That's like an impossible game to beat. My high score is like three.

Pass it to a friend. My girlfriend's got a landing strip. My girlfriend's got a landing strip. I call that shit the Gaza strip. I call my girlfriend's vagina Gaza because I shoot loads at it and children are dying in there. That's good.

Checks out with me. Chase Sandin. Welcome, Chase. Have you been on this show? before? No, I haven't. Welcome, welcome. How long have been to stand-up? A year and a half, and I've been signing up the entire time. Wow, congrats. You finally got up.

Crazy that this is the first time we've gotten you up. Meanwhile, Luke Aaron has bored us to death three or four times. Absolutely incredible. Hey, he's making my job easy. He makes you look great. This is the second time tonight somebody's gone up after somebody that was horrendous and looked

real good. You look great. We don't even know if you're great, but anything's better than that. No, very funny. Chase, was all that comedy done in Austin? You from Austin? Yes, I started out here. Nice. Where are you originally from?

Denver. Okay, cool. What do you do for work? I just became a full-time producer. At up. In stand-up. Nice. This is fucking crazy.

I met the owner of the aquariums out here and fucking talk my way into a contract. So I'm going to be producing shows in aquariums of all places. You're going to be doing comedy shows in aquariums? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. This guy that you met. God. Every time I'm about to replace you with a poem,

you do something like that, and you completely redeem yourself. Okay, so the guy that you met goes, Hey, what's up? I'm the head of aquariums. Like, what, I don't understand. There's, like, an aquarium boss. Dude, it's fishy as fuck.

Oh, you slap a bitch. Was that all a lie to get that joke? No, no, it's fair to God. I met him through a friend, you know. He was a Mormon for 45 years of his life, and he's a pothead. So I've been dealing with that. And now he's going to see this, so I might not be a full-time producer anymore. Yeah, you might be in deep water.

I love it. So, Chase, what did you do before becoming an imaginary aquarium producer? Oh man, I feel like every job I've had is fucking fake. I was like a salesman for OpenAI, but I didn't sell anything. I just wrote prompts for them, and I used ChatGPT to produce my work. I wasn't allowed to do that. I just spent hours being like, make sure this doesn't come out like it's AI. That's actually a funny bit, man, right there.

I'm working on it. It's got some legs. It's got some fins. There you go. Okay. What's another job? Give us another job while you have the Dolphins. This is insane.

I used to do door-to-door sales. It was commission only. I got guns pulled on me. I got chased by pit bulls. The thing with door-to-door is like, I'm going to close this deal at your kitchen table, right? This guy's my fucking dad's age. His daughter's my age.

And I'm about to close like a 60K deal. And he's like, I'll buy it if I can see it. I was like, what? And he was like, I'll buy it if I can see it. And then the guy groped me. fucking grabbed my dick. 60K sale, though. Anything for the clothes,

anything for the fucking clothes, dude. That's just a grove. It's just a grove, yeah. That's warm up, dude. Yeah, dude, I fucking... That's Jiu-Jitsu. What were you selling? Solar panels.

Hell, yeah. And did you close that deal? No, I ran out of the house. I fucking froze. What a pussy. Oh, Jesus, right. These days you can't even grab They just run out like, oh, fucking pussies.

Wow. As soon as you ran out, he must have been like, ha, faq. Yeah. Started up his diesel engine that he runs everything off of in the bow. I'm already hard. By the time you grope me. Who's scared now? I'm ready.

I'm ready, dude, fucking. How much money did you make selling solar panels, door-to-door commission? I worked for them for like four months. I probably made like three grand. Wow. Fucking awful. Yeah. It's awful.

All I got was my fucking honked dick. Right. What's the sales pitch for a solar panel? Oh, God. You care about the environment? No. Okay. Neither do I.

Okay. Yes, I do, I do. I love it. I love it. I love... You love the environment? I love it. You like the sun?

I love the sun. You want to make money from the sun? Hell, yeah. Honk. There you go. We give us some more jobs, Chase. Have us some more of your wacky jobs? I worked at Home Depot.

I worked in the Garden Department, aka the Miltz Department. Woo. Yeah. Tell us about that. I need a hose. Yeah. I bet you didn't mind getting groped there, huh?

No, dude, I was looking for it in the back. Come here, you want to water this plant? You're looking, huh? I was forklift certified. and this was in Boulder, Colorado. There was a Dispo right behind it, so on my lunch break, I'd go get high as fuck and just drive forklift around.

Wow. I had friends... That's all those videos, you know, when a forklift just takes off the whole warehouse is this guy. Yeah. I had friends that worked with me and, like, you need two people.

Like, you've been in Home Depot, you know, the guy with the forklift, they got flags and shit. I'd bring my buddy over and we'd just pull shit down and put it back up with no purpose. Yeah. It's like, I'm on the forklift.

You're not going to tell me I'm not doing my job. Yeah. Anything you need, Dave? Anything you need? What city was this in where there's white guys working at Home Depot again? Boulder, Colorado. Boulder, Colorado. One of the safest, ranked the best city to live in.

It's like true or something. It is. I'm lucky. I came from Boulder to here. Okay. Give us another job. Another job. Oh, man.

I, uh... Ew. I was a recruiter. That's your favorite sound in the world. I was a recruiter. I sold people. Not like that. All right.

Okay, we guess we ran out of funny jobs. Oh, it was a caddy. I was a catty for a little bit. Oh. That was very unique. You were pretty catty towards the guy that groped you. Yeah. Could have had solar panels.

I'm kidding. Ari Maddie, what's cooking over there? What do you think about this guy? What did you say before he grabbed your car? I think I said something like, you want to do this? It's probably giving him the wrong idea. I was like, are we doing this or not, man?

Oh, we're doing it. Maybe I got the story confused. You said he had a daughter that was your age. Was she there when he did that? No, he was like a married man with daughters. So he was like a closeted gay guy. And they were like in the house and he's like talking shit about how much he hated his wife.

And then he was just like, mm-hmm, see it. Wow. Incredible. Chase, what's another fun fact about your life that we would find very interesting? Before I got into stand-up, I did like a year of acting and self-tapes,

and then I found comedy through acting. I like this way more, but... Yeah. Well, you're good, man. You did a good job tonight. Great job. Here's a big joke, bud. Thank you.

Boom. Chase, stand-in, ladies and gentlemen. We have a special treat for you guys. Performing for you tonight is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's head. Ladies and gentlemen, you know her, you love her, make some noise for the great Fiona Callie, everybody.

She's here, live in the flat, the one and one more time for Fiona Collie, everybody. Talked a lot about being married, but I used to be like a real big horror. Okay, and I don't feel bad about it. I think anyone in my situation would have done the same. Okay. You know, I was 18, I was single, diagnosed with this shit.

I thought I was dying. You know? I wanted to roll into as much dick as possible. You know? And then you find out you're not really dying. And now you're like just a whore. And that is her truth to live with. But back in my day, I had a good amount of one-night stands, okay?

But I'm a normal lady. Sometimes I wanted to, like, sneak out. This shit. Made it impossible. Every time I back up. Okay, so I did figure out like a workaround for it. I started only fucking black guys. The great Fiona Collie, ladies are trying to.

How's it going? Good. It must be wild, like being a guy who fucked you back in the day. And then you show... They take too much credit. Yeah. And then you show the boys like, look at her now. Fiona, have you ever been with a black man?

I have, yeah. You almost said you tried. Now, what exactly does that mean? Didn't fit? 12 inches. I'm not kidding. That is why I'm in the wheelchair. Good to be honest.

Wow. Incredible. Where'd you meet this guy at? College. We have another one for you right here. talking about Yeah Deep Madness

did a little college tour Put a lot of ladies And a lot of wheelchair A little college tour A little college horror Yeah Hell yeah A wordplay

So you had a wild college life Did you? Yeah Yeah I thought it was dying Yeah Yeah When was that

How long ago was that? I graduated in 2019 Yeah Yeah And you had your condition then? Yeah, I got diagnosed at 18, so right before. Yeah, so you're like, I'm dying. I'm gonna fucking fuck a black guy.

That's why I can't wait to get my terminal illness diagnosis, just finally just blast this ass once and for all. But I'm waiting. I'm holding out strong until I have a few months to live. I'm proud of you. I used to bang a girl with cancer I thought she was going to die too, so. And she lives still.

That's hard. Yeah, it was bad, yeah. I was trying to get more microwaves around the house. I got some Wi-Fi routers. I put an iPad under her pillow. We got vaccines. I tried to make it. She made it, though.

So now she's out there knowing I have a tiny cock. Well, that's why she survived because you're talking. Fiona, how's married life going? Really good. Yeah. It's the same. Same old, same. And how's the condition?

I think... It's... It sounds great, you look great. Thank you. Yeah. I think the meds are working. Uh-huh. Your doctor's solid.

Thank you. You know, it's actually funny. People ask me a lot if the medicine is working, which is a really hard thing to answer, because all they're supposed to do is like, to do is like stop me from getting worse. So the question is like have you noticed nothing? You know?

Yeah. And the only like real evidence I have that it might be working is every time I post a video online, there are always hundreds of people that comment, if you put this in 2xb, G's cured, you know? And now... Now, now they're commenting if you put this 1.5 X speed. Ooh, look at that.

Yeah. Amazing. Ratching. Dustin. What's up? I got beef with you. Oh. This Netflix UFC card's about to get a little bit crazier.

Try to low kick her. She feels nothing. My secret sauce Now on my birthday I bet $300 on you Oh shit Who'd I fight? Oh, motherfucker I was fucked up I don't remember

But it was July Shit July 19th and I was furious I don't know anything but my husband He's been as gay for you, yeah. I think that was, if it was July, it was my retirement fight. Yeah. Oh.

You're beautiful, and I love that you can walk, and it's so good on you. The what? You can mock. I love that. Yeah. Well, that's great that you got to watch his last fight, and he got to watch your last set. That is so awesome.

What an exciting thing. She's actually going to leave her. She's going to leave her wheels on the stage. Like you guys leave the gloves in the octagon. Your laugh has become iconic here on the show. You do know this, right? I was doing my own show, and someone's phone went off, and it was my laugh.

It's insane. That's amazing. You want to give us one just for old time's sake? It's not the same. Uh-huh. Amazing. The great Fiona Collie, ladies and jazz. gentlemen. Not only is she still with us, she's absolutely funnier than ever. It's amazing.

Okay. There she goes, everybody. Ari Maddie says he has to go pee. I think he has a wheelchair fetish. We'll see what happens next. Rosen lasagna, medium power, 15 minutes. Sounds like Ojo time. Let's play. Let's play. Feel the fun with Play-O-Jo, the online casino with all the latest slot and live casino games. What you win is yours to keep with no wagering requirements, instant payouts, and no minimum withdraws. Hey, I just won. Woo-hoo! Feel the fun! Play-O-Joe!

Honey, forget about the lasagna. Let's celebrate! 19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Concern about your gambling or that if someone close to you, call 1-86-531-2-2600 or visit Connexontoreo.ca. Visit BetMDMDM-M-DM-Cic and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager.

Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. We're just going to go through this next bucket pool. Just me and you, Dustin.

Make some noise for him. It's Isaiah Washington, everybody. Everybody. My dad was in and out on my life, but that was pretty normal in my neighborhood, y'all. It was so bad at my elementary school that if you had a dad, we would make fun of you.

Oh, your dad took you to Disneyland. Ha, ha, you must be gay. Out there sucking on Disney dick. You know what was pretty gay? Being raised by a single mother. Every Saturday, I had to go shopping with her at Lange. Bryant. If you don't know what that is, that's a Vatory secret for big bitches. I love my mom, though, but she raised me super religious, like, so religious, like, to the

point I used to feel shame about certain things when I was becoming a man. For example, the first time I seen titties, I cried. I was looking in the mirror like, yo, those not supposed to be there. Like, why, God, why? And I know I'm a bigger guy, but there are some women out there that like bigger men. Fuck y'all, Austin. I was waiting for a fucking standing ovation. God damn it. Thank you. I've been Isaiah Washington for Friends of California.

Wow. Perfect. Amazing. Isaiah Washington. I love that set. Thank you, man. So good. Thank you. I appreciate it. I love that premise that if you had a dad, you got made fun of us. Oh, yeah. That was real. That's amazing. Yeah. How long you've been doing stand-up? So I'm about to end my

seventh year. Seventh year. That's right. about what I would have guessed. You're fantastic. You're moving up there. The premises are great. The enunciation, execution, everything. Absolutely fucking amazing. Where are you been doing it at? So I started in Fresno, California, and I just moved out here to Austin about three months ago. Nice. Yeah, man. I'm a Fresno, baby.

Y'all don't know where that is. There's a little ghetto over there, but we cool, though. We cool. No, yeah. Yeah. The late great, great Angelo Bowers was from there. You ever heard of him? Nah. Amazing.

Hell yeah. He from there? Yeah, he died in a car accident. Damn, that sucked, Doug. 15 years ago, yeah, it does suck. That's crazy. He would have been one of the biggest comedians in the world right now. Oh, yeah.

Accidentally killed. But anyway. Yeah. Isaiah. How has it been in Austin for you? It's been pretty good, man. Like, it's chill out here, but the first day I went out, my phone got robbed.

That's the only thing, man. On 6th Street, man. It's crazy. Like, yeah, I know I'm a big dude, but they somehow snapped. my phone out my pocket. Oh, like you didn't even know. No, I didn't know.

I've had that happen. Yeah, it happened to you too? With me, what's small Indonesian children. Oh, shit. I was in Bali with my girlfriend, and then small Indonesian children got, Mr. Mr. Mr. They're so cute. And then they took my phone.

I noticed it when we're back at the hotel, so then I was looking for children. Yeah. Yeah, I, I'm pretty sure you found it too, huh? They're missing. No. No kids. That's why I keep my phone in my pants. phone in my pants between my balls and my asshole.

And crazy enough, mine got stolen by a small Indonesian child. Silly. Isaiah, what do you do for work? So I work at the Vulcan Gas Company right now. Nice. Just, yeah, doing security stuff. Fuck yeah. Yeah, it's pretty awesome, though.

What'd you do before that? I used to work with special needs adults back in Fresno, man. I also work with a special needs adult. That's amazing. Yeah, I can tell the signs right there, yeah. I can see it. Like special needs, like what Down syndrome and all that? We're talking all spectrum, high level, really, to, like, people on wheelchairs, like, you know.

So let me ask you this, I knew. Well, I mean, come on, Fiona doesn't need another reason to want to kill yourself. Not everybody in a wheelchair is special. Yeah, that's true, that's true. I used to work with a guy. My good friend who used to do the same thing. Do they fuck a lot at your clinic? Oh yeah, they do be doing that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do be doing that. But they be having, like, it's kind of weird, though. Sometimes, like, you, they'll have like a normal boyfriend pick them up, and you'd be like, like, oh, bro, that ain't cool. Like, she got autism, dog, like, bad. Her tips don't have autism, though. All right, we guess we know who the boyfriend is here.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God, Red Man. Make her suck your dick with a lollipop. With a lollipop? They love that shit. I never tried that. So this was like an actual clinic, so there's a lot of people there? Yeah, it was a day center.

So they come from like in the daytime only, then they go back to like a group home. Oh, I. Yeah. Okay, so what's the wildest thing you ever saw these special people? Man, I'm going to be real. I know this too lovey-dovey, but a lot of them were like really dope and really cool, but one of them did just shit in the hallway out of nowhere. And, you know, it's our job to pick it up.

and shit and I made somebody else do it. I had to like I didn't see it and just walk right past it. So I'm sorry about that, but I ain't doing that, bro. Like, that's, it was a big dude too, like, bigger than me. Like, oh. Right on the ground, just right there. That's unacceptable. Red Band, why did you do that?

God damn it, right? I just dropped you off at the daycare center. I do these nice things for you and your asshole ain't retarded. That's funny. Amazing. But that's like a good karma job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I got pulled tonight because of that job.

Now, if you do something bad, you can bring it up to God and be like, Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Yeah, remember the time I walk past the shit? Well, like, come on, man, give me. Yeah, I'm getting into heaven for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Isaiah, tell us more about your life. Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah, I got a lot of half siblings. I don't got any full ones. My dad's black. My mom's Mexican. Like y'all didn't know and shit. But my brothers and sisters

like in and out of my life too just in and out living with my dad in Cleveland and then I was in Cali the whole time and yeah seeing them married once in a while you know what I mean? One of my sisters about to get married my other brothers in jail What is your brother in jail for?

Let's just say what's it called like a homies A what? A what? Something like murder. Murder. Murder was a case that they wrote. Got it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not going to talk too deeply on that because it's real. It's real. But that's not cool to have like a brother who's fucking. Yeah. Don't fuck with me. Yeah. Don't fuck with me. Yeah. I'll call my brother and he's going like, how am I going? Doesn't pay you? You're like, yo! Yeah. Hell yeah. I got connections in the walls.

Yeah. Amazing. And your mom's the Mexican in this? Yeah. She's a Mexican. Did you ever get to meet your Yeah, I did, I did. I got to make me know he was in and out my life like I'll see him like in the summertime and stuff like that He'll come by and say what's up he wouldn't in the summertime yeah, yeah he was like a rapper or trying to be a rapper Wow so I'll be in the studio and stuff getting a hot box at like eight years old and does you have something on Spotify or something You got something on YouTube but not what's what's the rap name it's called squadric click

I don't even know how you would begin this spell that I'm guessing an S- Q, S-Q? Yeah, it's S-Q-U-A-D. R-I-C-K. I mean, I can't. Squadric-Click. Not-Click. First, thanks first.

Yeah, yeah. This is the shit I grew up on. Like, so. It's only got 1,002 views from 13 years ago. Wow. It turns out a lot of people don't go to visit your dad either. It's amazing. It's amazing.

It's good. Only visit my son in the summertime. Yeah. I was like nine years old and comes to the studio. I'm like, yeah. I mean,

it's a lot of another nigga will. That's your brother. Yeah, yeah, that's my brother's for me. Yeah. Hold on a second. I noticed something. I noticed something pretty amazing here.

The song debuted on YouTube 13 years ago. It has 1,002 views. And 11 years ago, two years after it came out, there's only one comment on this. Yeah. On this video. And it is from someone named Isaiah the comic. Yeah, that's me.

And the comment on the YouTube profile says, whoa, where you find this at? Yeah, I was shot. What would you like to know? I don't know who uploaded that. And all I did is have a CD of him on my CD player. I didn't even know it was out there like that. What were you doing just randomly Googling your dad 11 years ago?

Oh, yeah, man. Oh, stop with your awes. These white lady awes. Shut up. Yeah, I just wanted to see if he made any money or anything like that. Yeah, man, and I found out somebody somebody stole this shit, and I'm going to find them, man. Oh, you think someone's profiting off of the 1,000 views?

Yeah, they got like a five-cent person, five-cent or something like that, man. That's the closest your dad's ever been to having a 50-cent, like, career. True, true, true, man. My dad tried, though, man. My dad did pass away, though. That's why I probably left that conversation a whole time ago. I was like, oh, yeah, let me listen to him, reminisce to that one time he'd seen me.

Now, that is sad. How did your father pass away? He passed away from being, like, overweight. It's crazy, though, because he, like, got shot multiple times and shit, like, when he was younger and shit. But he survived it, and then, like, heart disease, dog. Sugar is the hardest gangster. Sugar ever. Sugar goes hard on the cup.

Sugar looks at guns like this. Yeah. Let's go. Sugar took my daddy out, and I've been trying to it. And I... Glucose jankin. That's why I eat so much sugar because I'm trying to kill all the sugar,

Dunk. Like, that's right. Hell yeah. Do you walk into Dunkin' Donuts like, Thank you, Mom, Dave. Isaiah, I find you to be unbelievably hilarious. Keep signing up. Come back again. We want to see more of you, all right?

There you go. Isaiah Washington. Funny guy. Funny guy. All right, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Mark Neuer, everybody. Mark Neuer. I like him a lot.

I'm a big fan of Alex Jones. The thing about him is he says some things that are true, right? Because he's like a real controversial guy. He says some things that are true, though. For example, he said they're going to fly planes into the Twin Towers. That's not funny. It's just true. He said that of June of 2001.

He did, right, right. Now, I'm not a college-educated individual, right? But I do know that June comes before September every fucking year. Like I said, I didn't go to college, I dropped out of high school. So I don't know if they're putting chemicals in the water that are turned the frickin' frogs gay. I don't know.

I don't know. But I do know that the frogs probably didn't want to be out. Thank you. Okay, Mark, no way. Welcome. This is your first time on the show? Yeah. Nice.

How long have you been to stand up? Coming about nine years. Wow, where at? San Francisco. The whole time? I started Manteca, California. You still live in San Fran? Nope.

You live here now? How long ago? 10 minutes ago? 10 months. Oh, okay, perfect. It's happened before, where people literally have gotten here 10 minutes ago. Okay, Mark, what do you do for work?

Right now I'm a daytime bartender on 6th. Okay. How's that going for you? It's good money. Fun, right? Daytime bartender. Yeah. Interesting choice.

The nighttime is when you make the big box. You'd be surprised. Huh. Ah. I think you'd be surprised. It's an inside podcast. Anyway. That is a good, it's a great reference.

I love it. Mark, is bartending what you were doing when you were in San Francisco? Yeah. Yeah. I was working comedy venue as a bartender. Do you steal money as a bartender too? I used to be a bartender. Not anymore.

Not anymore, uh-huh. On 6th Street in San Francisco I did though. Exactly. Yeah. I used to do that too. You have to. How, what's the scam? What are you doing to me?

Like, what's the... What are you going to do to me here, but? Okay, I open up first and then you open. Yeah, all right. Tell us your scam. Tell us the Estonian fucking credit card. So if you're like a bartender, it's pretty easy. From one big bottle of booze,

you can get about 16 double cocktails. The revenue price that the bar has is, of course, so much higher than the market price. So you bring your own bottles. And you have a side register. One for you, one for me. I was like, Robin Hood, but for myself.

Wow. That's a pretty good one. And then sometimes, do Americans, do you guys all free pour, right? I do. Yeah, you can steal it a little bit, you know? Like, if it's four centimeters of Alps, every fourth cocktail is for free

because you dry them up short. Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm. You're very serious about this. Very serious. And then from one draft, you know, like the big jug, the draft beer, from the one big, the cake.

Yeah. You get 66 beers, but with foam, it's actually 58 beers, so you can steal the six. Mm-hmm. I got to tell you, I'm from Stockton, California. You're losing me with all these numbers. So what was your scam? Void the drinks after void a few drinks, not ring them in.

Right. When the people paid cash, you would just take the cash. In San Francisco, yeah. Yeah. Not at my current job. Right. Exactly. Very well put.

Amazing. Amazing note. Amazing footnote. You would never do that now, but you totally did it then. Yes. Nice. Mark, tell us more about your life. What exactly are you into?

You have any hobbies or anything like that? I play a lot of League of Legends on my phone. Specifically on my... Surprise, yeah, fat, dude. Likes League of Legends. Yeah, I did know this. You can rest your microphone. I can't, I do.

It's a crazy move. I'm a big boy, baby. Big boy. You are a big... Fucking sugar? Yeah, I play League of Legends. League of Legends. Anything else?

other than the League of Legends, you do anything? You seem like a... I've been doing a little bit of put-putt-pulls. Oh, shit. All right. I'm athletic. How many times... How many times do you think you've put-putted recently?

Show me your putt stance. I don't think you can see the ball. Oh, okay. Whoa, it's actually very good. That's pretty good. Wow. Look at that. We just went to the Peter Pan one, the local one.

They have the racist statues. Oh, I didn't know about this. Now I want to go. Yeah. It's great. Wow. They have a dude doing a full-blown Sig Heil. Okay.

They change it now. Hey, dude. What are you trying to do to me up here, man? They changed him from like, I don't know, essentially a Nazi to, he's a pirate now, so his Sig Heil hand has a little hook. Are you serious? The sigile handoff, yeah. Where is this at? It's off of South First in Barton Springs, I think.

They're about to tear it down, and they just. Yeah, they saved it, yeah. Wait, what's it called? Peter Pan's putt put extravaganza place or something. That's great. Damn. Oh, you've been there? No, I know about it though. We all know about it.

Very interesting. Very interesting. Mark, you have a girlfriend or anything like that? Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? In San Francisco. Okay. She's a comedian, too.

Oh, nice. Amazing. How long have you two been together? So, we just hit our one-year anniversary a couple months ago. Who's better? She's way funnier than I am. Really? Nice good. She didn't sign up.

Not tonight. Right. She had another show, which is, you know, what are you going to do? Yeah. Another show? Yeah, she gets booked. Oh, wow. It's a luxury at nine years in comedy I don't have in Austin right now.

Yeah. Well, anything can happen. Anything can change. Here's a big joke book, Mark. I like your style. Sign up again sometime. Thank you very much. We're going to keep it moving along here.

You guys still hanging in there. We're coming around. the corner everybody good all right this looks like a brand new name so this should be fun make some noise for flash gore on flash gore on here comes flash how's it going everybody my name is uh flash goren i'm bosn and i don't know what that means either yeah i don't even know my own stereotypes which is kind of weird All I know is that other Europeans get very nervous when I'm around them. And you're welcome. That's all I have to say about that.

If somebody came up to me and said, you know, all Bosnians are bad drivers, my response would be, you know, what else? I want to know. I'm going to get my Glock out and take some notes. Glock also means makes pens. Not everyone knows that. I'm not the best representative from Bosnians. I know that I forgot most of the language.

And I'm a good driver. And also... I think I just forgot the rest. Thanks, guys. Flash. Graham. Welcome to the show. Flash.

Thank you. Hi, Ari. What's up? Not much, buddy. How are you? Stereotype by Bosnians. A stereotype is you steal, you lie. I know, but hey, come on.

I used to know a truck driver that told me, if you ever drive through Bosnia, you don't stop. That's good to know. I haven't been there in a while. Flash, I'm going to tell you right from the top here. I got to tell you, you seem like one of the nicest, most chill people ever. I appreciate that, Tony. Thank you. Look at every response. He's like, wow, I didn't know that. Thanks a lot. You're adorable. How old are you?

37, 38 on Friday. Okay. Well, happy upcoming birthday, my friend. You're a very likable guy. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? First time ever. First time ever, the sound of a goat. What made you want to start here tonight? Just wanted to go out of town for a while and start by,

and I thought this would be a fun time. Where do you live now? Amarillo. Amarillo. Originally from Bosnia, but I lived in Amarillo most of my life. Okay, from one war-torn area to the next. Exactly. What made you pick Amarillo?

I didn't. I was eight, so I was the youngest in my family. I don't know if you know this. One of the most interesting fun facts you'll ever hear. Matt Mueling is from Amarillo, Texas. The original guitarist here. Look at them. Are you liberal? That's a wild question, Red Band.

I just like both sides equally. There you go. Very good answer. Amazing answer. You're like a sweet guy. Yeah. I appreciate that. You like watch the show and stuff? Yeah, I do.

You might be one of the most nice people that I've ever pulled out of the bucket before. Can you tell us like the worst, the meanest thing you've ever done in your life? Dustin, what do you think it is? I think he groped the door-to-door salesman probably. Fucking perfect. Boy, when he lands, they land.

Holy shit. Actually, I actually was a door-door salesman for a while, so you're not wrong. Amazing. Door-to-door salesman. If somebody groped you, would you close the deal? Oh, absolutely. Right.

Respect. Thank you for that. That was very nice of you. I really appreciate it. What did you sell? You seem like a crazy guy to show up as a door-to-door-door kid. I was just invite you in, put a blanket over you, make you some tea. Nice.

Yeah, I sold vacuums a long time ago. That's all I've done door-to-door. Hey, this rock is pretty dirty. Yeah. Everybody. It's like a $2,000 vacuum cleaner? Were you good at selling them? Not really, no.

Okay. What do you do for work now? Currently unemployed. I was an analyst for 14 years, and then I got let go, and then I worked at a slaughterhouse for about a year. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, hello there, little cow.

I got bad news for you today. I don't know exactly how to break this to you, but you're going to be used for better things than just standing out in the field now, people are going to be, you're going to be able to give people life. Wow. When you killed them, what did you feel?

I didn't actually do the killing. I did a lot of the cleaning up after. Oh, wow. $2,000 vacuum cleaner, huh? Damn, now that's a pretty frightening job, right? Yeah, we cannot picture you, one of the sweetest people ever pulled out of the bucket mopping up cow blood.

Is the cows, mostly cows? Yeah, Cal Blot. and yeah it's pretty gross organs and shit all on the floor wow all on the floor someone's got to do it and I'm the guy for the job gosh darn it if not me then who if if not now then when amazing darn it I really like you what's the what's the what's the craziest thing that ever that you ever saw at the slaughterhouse where you're like god this is this is kind of crazy when the um When the vents get clogged up and the blood just kind of rises up.

And then what? You have to like plunge it or something like that? Yeah, I have to take it apart and then make sure that all it drains out. Make sure that all the drains out. I'm sorry. Some people, what I love about this audience, some people are covering their faces in fright and some dudes in the corner are cracking up right now,

just hysterically laughing at the fact that you'd have to remove a vent and chop up what's already been chopped up. Amazing Flash. What's your love life like? What do you have chained up to a radiator right now? Nothing currently, but I do have a girlfriend. You do? Oh my goodness.

What's that? I'm surprised too, Ari. You're adorable. Where'd you meet her at? On Bumble. Hey. Hey. Yeah, I don't like starting conversations

and you have to, the girl has to talk first when you match, so that was perfect for me. Oh, my goodness gracious. So she's starting. of the conversation and then what you, where did you take this girl on your first date? We went to a restaurant the first time and then we went to Palo Dora Canyon the second time. What was that? We went to Palo Dore Canyon the second time to go to liking.

What is that exactly? Palo Dore Canyon is the second biggest canyon in the world, I think. Oh, wow. Yeah, the United States. It's an Amarillo? Wow. Okay. And then where did you plant that first kiss at?

Was that in the canyon? Is she still in the canyon? Did she go for the kiss first? No, that was me. Damn. Oh, my goodness. So what was your move? Were you guys having a conversation at the time?

Were you looking up at the stars? How did that... Tell us about that first kiss. We were at the park, and she talked about how she wanted to have a boyfriend, and she didn't want to be friends anymore, and I just kind of went for it. Wow. So you, like, closed your eyes and leaned.

didn't like that? Yeah, I think so. Hell yeah, perfect. Hey, would you like to kiss? Would you like to sit on my cock later? And now you guys have... You there? And now you guys have sex on a regular basis.

A couple times a week. I love it. Wow. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you like to do? Because you have such a cool name, Flash Garan. It seems like almost a porn star name. Would we be shocked to see your... your violent behavior in the...

What's your big move in the bedroom? What's your favorite thing to do during sex? It's pretty basic. Yeah, you throw a thumb in her ass and make her gag with your other hand. That sounds about right. Okay, perfect. Sometimes I'm just on the money, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just...

Sweet Sarah Sloan's like, is that really what happens? No, I'm kidding, Sarah. Amazing. Flash. Wow. Does she like boss you around in the bed? Not all the time. Flash, I find you to be such a sweet guy.

What are your goals? Like, what do you want to do with the rest of your life? You're 37, you're currently unemployed. Is that correct? That's correct. Where do you see the rest of your life going? You are comically adorable. I appreciate that.

He has to say he appreciates it. He can't just let it go. He's so sweet that he has to let it. Let us know that he appreciates it. I just want to find a job and hopefully something with a lot of vacation time so I can go travel as much as I can. Where do you want to travel? Thailand. No, I like the state of Washington better.

Okay. The home of... I can explain. Yeah, go ahead. Explain. Why do you love the state of Washington? So my favorite thing to do is called wing walking. It's where you get on top of an airplane while it's flying.

And then you just ride around on the plane. They used to have that in Washington. You, oh. Wait a second. On top of the plane, like yours. If I told. On top of the plane. I really hope we won't crash.

Airplane, can you please take care of me? Wow, it was a really good time up there. Quite the issue. Such a funny guy to tell your girlfriend like, hey, you want to go wind walking? Actually, they tell her that. Are you going to take her sometime? I took her once.

She didn't pass their training. Ah. What is the training for wind walking, exactly? Basically, the plane's on the ground and you climb up and down the plane. What did she have trouble with? Climbing up. The climbing up.

So is she... No, I'm doing the climb. Was this a climb? Like, she needed some carabiners and a guy at the bottom holding the rope. She'd be, big, big girl. No, it's just hard to do. You have to have a background in climbing and pretty athletics.

How many times have you windwalked? Three times. Wow. My goodness. That is incredible. And you love it. Yeah, it's my favorite thing. Wow.

What's your second favorite thing? That is an answer we've never had on this show in its history, by the way. We've never had someone that works at a slaughterhouse, and we've never had a wind walker before. And God damn it, this is the last guy that I've ever. would ever think would do either one of those things. Second favorite thing, jumping off the stratosphere building in Vegas. You jumped off of it? Yeah, you can bungee jump off of it.

Oh, okay. You're a real adrenaline junkie. Surprisingly, yeah. Very surprisingly. It is very surprising. This is incredible. Wow. Are you ticklish?

Very. I would have guessed that. Yeah, there's a lot of pent up. energy in there. When you want to burn off some steam flash, what do you do locally? Like when you're in Amarillo or here or whatever, like when you want to get loose,

when you feel a little antsy, what do you do? Hiking, weightlifting, video games, just pretty basic stuff. I love it. What makes you like really fucking, like, angry? Yeah, that's a great question. Because I can't picture you getting angry now that I've met you fly. What was the last thing where you were like,

Fuck! Yeah, exactly. Great fucking question. Probably from losing my job. How did you react? I tell you, I tell you. Listen, you're a nice guy, but we gotta let you go. Fuck!

Flash, what's your social media in case someone that wants to hire you can reach out to you for something? Because you seem like a fucking, you seem like just a decent, very decent human being. Thank you, Tony. I had to say it. I had to say it. Unbelievable. I love it. Flash Goran.

Flash Garan. That's your real name. That's your real name. No, my name is, my name is Gorin. I just have a nickname Flash Goran. I love it. Because you're so fast.

Yes. At work. And you're still live in Amarillo, right? Yeah, I still live there. Okay, and that's where your girl lives too. Yeah. She lived with you? Yeah, she does.

She's from Amarillo as well, though? She's originally from L.A. I'm originally from Bosnia, but we've been in Emerillo for a long time. So if someone wanted to hire you somewhere else in Texas or somewhere else, you'd be willing to do that? I'm in no way against that. Perhaps someone even in the windwalking industry could hire you.

That would be awesome. Conceivably. Wow, well, put it out there. Someone in the windwalking industry or really anywhere wants to hire Truly who might be one of the sweetest men we've ever met. Hire Flash. Thank you guys. We have a big joke book for this guy,

even though it was his first time and I was just okay. They're gonna give you one on your way out. I've run out of them up here tonight. Great job. I appreciate you. How about one more time for Flash? You know what?

Sometimes being hilarious doesn't necessarily matter. And it can come from the least expecting places, like being adorably sweet. And it might sound crazy if you're like listening to this and not watching it, but like he's oddly genuine. Yeah, you see, it really shows about the show. If you just are who you are, you can always resonate. Yeah.

First time. It's a great point. He is just genuine. Like, it feels like that's that guy. Lovely guy. Then again, he could be stabbing everyone behind us right now. 100%. All right.

Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. You guys with it? All right. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for B. Lee, everybody. B. Lee. Oh, my size microphone. It's a big deal for me.

I get haircuts for this. I get a lot of different reactions on the haircut, though. Younger comic told me, Mealy, you look like you're in your 20s and 40s at the same time. Had a little girl run up to me, said, you look like Jason Mamoa, the wish.com version.

Heckler told me, I looked like Jason Mamoa if he was Aquaman who only lived in a puddle. Your laughter indicates you think these are insults, but I took him as a compliment. Because prior to the Mamoa, I was getting Walmart Mark Wahlberg.

I'm fairly certain as just Donnie Wahlberg. But I can never be Donnie. Not because of the singing, dancing, acting. He can barely do that. It's because he married Jenny McCarthy. And yes, Jenny was a masturbatory fantasy in my teens and 20s. But 40-year-old me knows that would be a sexless marriage

because she's trying to end autism and you can't do that by fucking a retard. Thank you, folks. All right, we got there in the end. B. Lee. Welcome, welcome, B. Lee. I was terrified. I was going to get that bear. That you were going to what? Get the bear. It comes.

Oh. Go too late. I don't know if you've seen the shit. You kind of look like a... Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, B. Lee. Amazing. I didn't hear you. when you said bears when I said what I should have not because of an audio issue it's all good thank you though I liked you up until that part so now you're fucked that's what's crazy I was doing it

more for them Tony I apologize please I wish you would have done the set for them too oh oh you're adorable it's good to see that the Geico cave man's doing good out here just new sweater of all the things that people that told you that you look like I mean I like to be the poster child to giving up you look like something that Flash should be sweeping up in a slaughterhouse. I saw the guy coming out. I feel like he's only qualified for jobs where you can't look at him. Okay, all right, Bealey. How long have you been attempting stand-up, B-Lie?

Yeah, it's been an attempt of about a little over three years. November was my, uh, my, uh, my, uh, anniversary. And you mostly talked about, like about 70, 80% of your, or things that other people have called you. If they really called you that, or were you using that as a device? Most of that was true. And, you know, I punched it up.

Yeah, most of that happened. Right. There was a good Donnie-Walberg thing at the end, the little remix there. That made sense. B. Lee, let's talk about your life. Have you ever a wind walk before? No.

No. What do you like to do for fun? Win walking. For fun? I just took rollerblading back up. Whoa. Holy shit. Shit.

I cannot picture that. I cannot picture you out there on rollerblank. I got a really active dog. I grew up playing hockey and coaching hockey. So you can get a lot more energy out if I roll. And you live in Austin? I do now. Well, I live in Kyle.

Okay. And you're the only human rollerblading in Kyle, Texas. Yeah. Yeah. How many times do pickup trucks fly by you screaming a homophobic slur? My neighborhood, I feel, is like, very much people that lived somewhere else. I don't think there are many Texas people in my neighborhood. Okay.

I would bet that the city of Kyle would disagree with that tremendous. The city as a generalization, yes, the city of Kyle, but my particular... What do you do for work, Bealey? Currently unemployed. Wow, very unemployed. A crew we have here tonight. Yeah, I was doing construction for a little while, but I think either he got arrested or is just ghosting me. Your boss?

Yeah, well, he's not my boss anymore, but yeah, he was. What did you do on the construction site? They had me, like, building fences and decks and stuff. Huh. Power tools. What a life we're living. I got a face for power tools. Okay.

B. Lee, how long have you been unemployed? It's about a year now. It's been about a year that you've been unemployed. How did you make the cushion of money last so long? I was working for, you know, up until we moved out here and I had saved up a lot of money. Who's we? I have a female at home.

Okay. Do you have kids? The way, the way you said it? We don't. By the way you said it? Yeah. I got a female at home. Yeah, well. What is she...

I like to have. What does she do for a living? She's the main provider, correct? She is a hero, Tony. She's a nurse. Uh-huh. Wow. Have you ever...

Say that they'll tell you with insects. seconds, nurses. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. How do you contribute to this household? I clean. I do all the manly stuff like, you know, the, like breaking bricks with my head and, you know, mow the lawn. And we got a really bad ant infestation. That's a problem here in Texas. So I had to re-cock the whole house. That was fun, you know. But a lot of vacuuming, folding of laundry, you know, letting her vent about her day, which I would otherwise, you know, interject if I had a job. Yeah. Why haven't you gotten a job in a year? Well, I, you know, I was doing the construction and then... A year ago.

No, no, no, not. Well, it was less than a year ago. I haven't had... I didn't consider it had a real job. When's the last time you worked? Before I moved out here, I was selling car. parts. Okay. Yeah. And how long have you lived out here? It's been a little over a year. What fuck is going on here? So, so the construction job didn't last that long. It was,

it was kind of under the- Does your girlfriend ever asked you when are you going to get a job? It's been a conversation more than once. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And what do you say? Yeah. What do you say when she asks you? I say, hey, look at this application that I'm putting in. Yeah. You gotta make it very evident, you know, that we've left up. Has it, like, caused strain on the relationship? Not yet, but I could get there. And it's coming. Yeah.

If this set went better, I was gonna beg Tony for a job, but I don't think it's gonna work, Ari. That's definitely not. If I didn't hire Flash, I'm definitely not higher in your ass. Flash is a machine. He looks like he's better. I appreciate that, Tony. I hear him in my head saying, thank you, even though I'm gone.

I really, the respect is, I mean, it's, Just overwhelming, Tony. Meanwhile, I have your unappreciative ass going, I don't know if you've seen the show, but I haven't worked in a year, but like a lot of year old year. Once again, Tony, that was just for them. I do apologize. Okay.

Stop. All right. Guys shouldn't laugh. Somehow you made it weird. He hurt Tony's feelings. Oh, you're making it weirder. That's incredible. Have you noticed that the sex life has also taken a negative time after you stopped

that's on the chore list, Ari. Okay. Yeah. What? You were asking about things I had to do. If I didn't do the sex, I'm pretty sure it would be a lot worse. Let me tell you something. Give us a redeeming quality about you.

Give us like a good deed that you've done or something. Like people tonight have worked with... Saved a guy from drowning once. Oh, really? Wow. Look at that. Where was that at? It was when I was living in Vegas.

We were hiking the Arizona. Wait, where is there water in Vegas? Well, Tony, he was in the Bellagio Fountain, and, uh, I mean, like, it was like, the water was up to his waist, but I'm like, dude, get over here. And I, like, saved his ass, dude. As I was saying, we were hiking the Arizona Hot Springs. Uh-huh. And about halfway up to the hot springs, there's, like, a big, like, ledge that you can jump from into the water. Uh-huh.

And I was with a guy from Texas and, like, some pharmacy kids. I was working in pharmacy at the time. What were you doing in a pharmacy? I was a pharmacy technician for a dozen years. So I did it for 10 out in Vegas. So how did you spot that he was drowning? Was he like, oh, his girlfriend was like, I don't think he's kidding. And I looked over, and he was breathing water instead of swimming.

Did you jump in and say that? I was already in the water. I jumped off the cliff already. So I came up to him. So you were already next to a guy that was. drowning and you're like, here you go. Another guy swam to shore. So I did better than, and that was his actual friend.

So I saved him. And he was a pharmacist, so he maybe didn't kill somebody later. So, you know. I don't know what any of this means, Bee Lee. But I'm guessing that was for them, for the crowd or something. Bealee, everybody. There he goes. Bealee, everyone.

It's hard to come across as likable after Flash Grant. So, I mean, it's just like some people were bad at comedy. tonight and then the next guy was great. I think anyone after Flash seems completely unlikable, right? Except for our last comedian of the night, ladies and gentlemen, who's one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show. Everybody, every single week, not only does he write a new minute.

He writes about two minutes, doing double the work that he has to do. He's a fucking freak of nature. Here to bring it home, show you how it's done. Make some fucking noise for what was once the dark storm of Atlanta and now is the dark storm of Austin. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody. When I first moved to Austin, I was working at his car wash called Surf Through Car Wash.

And they hired me as a manager and then afterwards told me that tattoos are not except, like they can't be seen at the car wash. and that let me know these niggas aren't good with money because the more tattoos you have the more people trust you with their car you don't want a blank nigger telling you your rims are dirty

you don't want a blank nigger looking at your transmission you want a felon with a throat tattoo being like your filter's dirty You're like, whatever you need, sir, just don't go back to jail. Tattoos lets you know a motherfucker went through something to work here.

Like, doctors don't have tattoos. Surgeons don't have tattoos. You know who do? Nurses. Nurses are sexy as fuck. If the hospitals just only had nurses, everybody would be cured because them niggas can't wait to shove a needle

in your neck and get you to fuck out of there. is if you can't punch the drywall, you shouldn't be hanging my drywall. Oh, that you're a blue collar worker. Like you, you don't do anything. You don't sweat for work. Not at all, but look at this motherfucker. He'd be drumming his fucking ass off.

You sitting over here lay back like a bitch. I... That's my time. I'm sorry, y'all. I love it. Dendrick Flynn. For those of you watching, or listening to the show. The guy that he pointed at

and said, you don't do anything for work, is, without a doubt, a guy that doesn't do anything for work. Completely shaking his head no and looks like he's done nothing before. Yeah, you nailed it. Dedrick, how's life going? Fucking good.

Hey, yo, Dustin Porriye, I was gonna say the only reason you lost that first Conner fights because that nigga had a throat tattoo, but then you figured it out and then you whooped that nigga's ass and broke his leg, right? Two times.

You know what I'm saying? That's what it is. But you got more tattoos after that. Because tattoos on a white boy raised a battle power. Ah, more than this. There is something of that tattoo thing. Great premise. Yes.

And that is true. You did beat Connor McGregor's ass twice. Twice. It's incredible. And I did get more tattoos. Yeah. And I won $1,200. Absolutely.

Maybe you can pay that check. That chick is Fiona Carlin, he's in a wheel of hair. He's got a, he's got to, you, give Fiona 300. Yeah, I can. I can. No. I love it. Dedrick, what else is going on in life?

Oh, man, I've been touring. Them niggas sent me up to Salt Lake City last week. Fuck Salt Lake, I'm just playing. They bought a lot of tickets, but I didn't, I thought the city was nice, and, until they started delaying my flight. And then I was like, okay, my flight don't leave for extra day,

let me stay. You know what I like to do? I like to drink. Nick of the bars closed at 11.15. Oh, yeah. It is not a good... That should not be a town. Yeah.

That shouldn't even be a city. Like, fuck that. Like, why do people move there? Mormons be tripping me to fuck out. These niggas be eating mushrooms but can't drink or have caffeine. Yep. Sold a lot of mushrooms is merch.

Yeah. Isn't there alcohol less alcohol... The beers are less. Yeah, they water it. You have to buy a food menu item before you can, like, purchase that. That was... That is bullshit.

Just say you don't like black people. Like, you know what I'm saying? There are certain cities that when you walk in, it was like, hey, we don't serve Hennessy or Heinrichin. Unless... And I was like, I haven't even ordered yet. You know what I'm saying? Like, just say you don't want me in your bar.

I heard the music, nigger Paramore was playing, but I love Paramore. Are Mormons the one that do soaking? Yeah, they do the soak. They do the soak. You know, soaking? Yeah, what's your take on it? Well... Explain it to the people that might not know. So, so...

So, like, Dedrick, he can't, like, fuck the bitch, but what he can do is get me while he's around the pussy, his massive cock. Yes. And I'll shake the bed for him. You put it, they call it soaking because you put your dick inside, but you don't move.

But then I move the bed for you. Yeah, and then you move the bed, and that's called friendship. And to be honest, when I'm doing that, I think at this point even God would be like, just fuck the bitch. Yeah. That was weird.

Yeah. You got your friend there. For sure. That was, it's a weird city because either you are Mormon. In the Mormon Bible, they say that when the devil tricked one-third of the angels to rebel

against God, God turned their skin black, so all black people are like devils. They're not wrong right now. But that's kind of mean, but they said I could be white again if I get saved through the Mormon faith. And I don't think I want to be white. The word niggas

sounds so good. Let me tell you something. It sounds good to us. Come on. Yeah. Dendrick, we fucking love you. You're a superstar. David Landrick, Flynn.

Thank you to our sponsors, Blue Chube Prize Picks and Talk Space. How loud can this place get for the great Dustin Porrier, everybody. Joining us is Kiltoni panel debut. So fun. How about one more time for the great Ari Maddie, everybody.

He's on the biggest tour possible. He's working harder than anybody. And that's including when he's not on tour here in Austin. I mean, this is the hardest working guy. It shows through the work. One more time, Ferrari, Maddie. Kiltoni is going to Las Vegas, Nevada, doing Kiltoni with the WWE at WrestleMania.

April 18th in Vegas. We're doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, May 7th. And we're happy to announce we are doing Madison Square Garden again for the third year in a row. August 7th and 8th. Two, obviously two different shows, both nights, in the greatest arena of all time. Madison Square Garden, that'll be our fifth and six sold-out shows ever. It's absolutely unbelievable. It's my favorite time of the year, August in New York.

What's better than that? The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it is incredible. It is indeed Ari Maddie and Dustin Porre. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, it's Dustin Porier. Look at that. Again, only for tonight. The merch is across the street at a Kill Tony pop-up for South by Southwest.

Shout out to the Kill Tony band. One more time for them. Thank you to Heidi. And go to Heidiregina.com. See all things, Heidi Regina. and that's about it, red band. Check out my new video, you know me. Cap Red 7 on YouTube and Spotify.

Vegas, Los Angeles, New York, and of course, every show here in Austin sold out. So come see us in one of those cities, Vegas, L.A. or New York. Live audience, we love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.