KILL TONY - #766 - SAM TALLENT

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Sam Tallent, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, DMadness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White,Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 04/06/2026 Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for FREE with promo code TONY. Visit https://bluechew.com for more details. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup.Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/killtony Go to https://surfshark.com/killtony or use code KILLTONY at checkout to get four extra months of Surfshark Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill T'Ton. Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony,

get her for Tony! It's clear! Music capital of the world, Austin, Texas. That's Carlos Sos on the saxophone. It's his birthday, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raoul Vallejo. Normally, it's nachos Belgrade, but tonight, tonight I think it's Tres Leches over there.

How about a hand for Justin Heights sitting in tonight on the drums? We have the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John D's on the Keys, and this is indeed Deep Madness Live in the Flesh, ladies and gentlemen. This episode is brought to you by Netflix, the roast of Kevin Hart, on May 10th. Some of your favorite roasters and human beings

and just overall great people are going to be on that. So you're going to want to watch that because, yeah, May 10th, live on Netflix. Following the roast of Tom Brady, fun fact about the roast of Tom Brady, the most watched comedy event of the past decade. So we'll see where Kevin Hart lands and everything. It should be fun.

It should be fun. I specialize in making fun of small black people, so this could be good. This could be good. Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Thanks for listening to Kill Tony.

Listen to and follow Kill Tony on Amazon Music or Just Ask Alexa, play the podcast Kill Tony, on Amazon Music. Also, with the Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your favorite music podcasts and audiobooks, all in the Amazon Music app. And here we go.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what? Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight because that's all we need, because he's one of the greatest guests in the show's history. How many of you are real die-hard kill Tony fans, huh? Well, then you're in for a special treat. One of the absolute best, one of the smartest, one of the funniest.

fucking noise for one of my favorite human beings and comedians. It's the great Sam Talent, everybody. Here we go. The man, the men. You've seen them on all your favorite episodes. Bunch of places. Punchuplive.com backslash Sam Talent. That's with 2Ls. And his new novel, Brute comes out September 22nd.

Yeah, pre-order that, please. I'm competing with Mr. Beast and James Patterson. Yes, that is tough. Two dead-eyed ghouls and me. So, yeah, get the book, please. It's an erotic thriller about a hitman in Paris doing one last job. Ooh, I like that. It's sexual.

It's called Brut. B-R-U-T. Pre-order it now. It's available September 22nd. My friend, Sam Talent, you are fantastic. Feeling good, I wore a shirt that people online will say fits, I hope. Oh, good. Last time I was on here, I was wearing what many described as a tarp or some kind of boat cover. And I have a new hot body, and I want everyone to know that.

It fits. It fits. And it's, look, I know I'm sexually distracting now, but let's focus. Please, Tony's the hot one. Red Band's the pervert, you know? I'm just here so we can get a nice cake for old Carlos over there. That's right.

Carlos's birthday. Carlos and his twin budding off his shoulder there. That's just asexual reproduction at its finest. That's crazy. Rogan said, if you're going to have horn players, they all have to have a bald head like me. And trust me, the trombone player is well on his way. And hey, man, we can tell it's a wig.

All right. Wait, that was Red Band? Yeah, that was Red Band. He got you. He got you, Fernando. Oh, wait, that's not Fernando. That's Raul. I get them all confused.

It's like George Foreman's kids over here. I wish they all have the same name, but they do not. Sometimes I order the wrong thing when I'm at Matt's All Rancho, it happens. Carlos, does your twin have the same birthday? Does that count that way? Does he get a birthday?

Oh, you don't speak English. I'm sorry. Lociento, Feliz Cumbly annos. Kisiera la Musica. As you can tell, Sam Talon is the man multiple-time guest. Always a guest of the year.

A contender nominee, always in the mix. And we're doing it again, Sammy. Bro, glad to be here. This is my favorite thing in show business. Thank you guys for coming here. 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. If they are, they get 60 seconds on stage.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. I'm gonna let this dead-eyed ketamine addict pull the first name. Go right ahead. Yes, I know we can all tell. Hand that to Red Banner. We're gonna go wrangle that person.

Could be anybody, clearly. And while we wrangle that person, ladies and gentlemen, starting the show, is one of our favorite golden ticket winners ever in the show's history. You know them, you love them. Makes noise for the great David Jolly, everybody. It's back.

He's back. David Jolley's back. All y'all are doing? Life been going good. I've been on the road and shit, you know. But most of my homeboys my age, all them boys been going through like a midlife crisis. My homeboy Johnny called me the other day

and he was like, hey Dave, I'm about to start streaming. I said streaming. Man, I hung the phone up. Nobody want to see no old nigger Twitch. 5.30 a.m. chat, taking my blood pressure medicine. So I'm going to pass out at work again.

There's only one type of people I want to see stream. And that's crackheads. I pay top dollar to watch a crackhead stream. 3.30 a.m. my knife dicker today. They're gonna'erick is the word. They're doing all got a crack-haired shit in the camera.

I'm about to take this full-size-wash and dryer. Nine miles away on a 10-speed bicycle. Yeah, yeah. Thank y'all. That's been a bunch of fun, man. 57 seconds on the nose by the great David Jolly. Fuck yeah. Fantastic stuff you're talking about.

Yeah, yeah. You don't want to see a crack-haired stream? No, I'm agreeing with you. you, my friend. I literally would watch that. And I'm not one to watch streams, but I would watch that. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I look out of my giant, you know, penthouse condo windows down in the alleyways, and I love that fucking... Sometimes I'll grab a captainship monocle, what a telescope, monocle, whatever that thing is. I'm just fucking interested in what's going on down there. There's a lot. I bet you see some good shit up there, don't you?

Nonstop. A lot of people will look like you, but it's not you. David, it's me. Oh, sorry. Pam. I've never heard a bit about streaming. Yeah. Honestly. Have you heard a bit about streaming?

No, I love it. Dude, crackheads streaming? Yeah. The crackheads are like, like, that's how they transport shit like Vietnamese families, you know? Hell yeah. Like if you go to, like, Laos, it's all bicycles with like, you know, like the washing machine.

That's a great bit. Yeah, yeah. Crackhead stronger than a motherfucker. I've seen that for real. I've seen that for real. I've seen the crackhead put a washing and a dry on a 10-speed bicycle. and ride the way he was going with it.

It was amazing, man. And you know what, meth heads not that strong. Yeah, nah, man, you got to do the real kind of drug, like crack cocaine. Fuck that, fuck that homemade shit, you know what I'm saying? I think this is a cultural thing, David. Yeah, you know, yeah. I think this is white versus black right now. Yeah, that's why all crackheads so strong, you know what I mean?

That's why the meth heads, you know, all still live with their mom. Yeah, exactly. Oh, crackheads live with their mom, too. They just live on the other side of the house, you know? Mom doesn't know that they're in there. Yeah, exactly. You're in the attic. Yeah, yeah.

Now, David, you've smoked crack before, right? No, motherfucker. I ain't never smoked no... Really? Man, fuck you, Tony. I ain't smoke no fucking... I am. I thought we were gonna have a good,

in-depth interview about crack use. You're a real asshole. You mean, you've never smoked crack? You're a real fucking asshole, Tony, you know that? I mean, I could have sworn this was part of his backstory. Hell no, look at my teeth, motherfucker. This is good like crack-air teeth. We are not your teeth, David.

I was literally dinner than I. You can't say that. By the way, here's a little behind the scenes for you. David had a spot in the other room. I was doing this room one night, just a normal Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday night, a stand-up. And for some reason, he didn't take the night off the day that he got full-on teeth implants.

And I don't know, Sam, if you've ever had the unbelievable pleasure of being in a comedy green room when another comedian walks in, the day of, clearly he needed whatever it is, 75 or 100 bucks. or whatever you got paid for that set. You know what I? I don't know what it is. Doesn't matter. But clearly, he could not spare a night off of work because his entire mouth was swollen.

He had these, I mean, I swear, David, instead of me rambling about how long if you had to guess, did I make fun of you, nonstop jokes about your teeth, if you had to guess a timeline. Hey, it was a long time. No, come on, Dave. Like, about an hour, then I gave him the old classic, fuck you, Tony, and I walked out, you know what I'm saying?

It was some good jokes. Think about what he just said. An hour, ladies and gentlemen, is 60 minutes. That's not like each one of my jokes was a minute long. No. No, we're talking about perhaps six to ten jokes per minute for 60 fucking minutes. They won that rapid fire night. They were some good ones, you?

There's something about, have you ever seen someone get new teeth the day up? I mean, like, they were like out. The whole thing are swollen. It was crazy. Yeah, did you have to learn how to talk like a horse with peanut butter in its mouth? No, no, no, no. It was pretty bad. I mean, that was, yeah, that was a rough day.

But do you remember any of the good ones he said to you? Nah, they was out. When Tony started rambling and go on the hot fire shit, I just block it out. You know what I mean? I'm used to it. Now, you got to block it out because he'll keep going. If you act like you ain't paying attention to him, then he'll stop. The whole band's agreeing with you.

Like, I bully them all the time. You got to know where to just walk the fuck away, you know what? I mean, that's what I usually do. I think your teeth look great. Thank you, Sam. I think you look great, and your shirt is not too big. You look amazing, man.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, man. A little positive energy. How about that, Tony? I know you don't like that shit. But you never smoked crap. No, motherfucker. I ain't smoked no fucking crack, man.

I could have sworn. I want to go back and rewatch the tapes of your first interviews. Hell no, man. I get swear when you had the old teeth, you would admit that you smoked crap. I ain't ever smoke. You know what crack due to the black community,

motherfucker? I would not be up here if I smoke crack. be fucking breaking in people cars or something, man. Or you'd be in Parliament Funkadelic. Yeah. Yeah, they smoke crack. But the crack was different. They were free basing, you know?

It's something they put in the crack. It's a difference between freebase and crack. That was that cameo shit. Yeah, you know what I mean? Freebase is like cocaine and whatever to make it. How do you know all of these scientific facts? Because I'm from the hood, motherfucker. That's how they teach you that.

How do you think he bought his teeth? Yeah. Nah, I don't do nothing illegal. I just go on the road and have a good time now. You know, I live a better life, you know. I got health insurance. Wow. That's pretty good, you know.

That's very good for recovering crack. Hey, fuck you, Tony. You're a real piece of shit, Tony. You know what? I've smoked crack. You have? Yeah, of course. How do you like I lost the weight?

No, I... I've smoked crack, though. I've done free base, I guess. I've never done crack. What the fun is going on up here? You mean you two have smoked crack and David's offended than I even asked to that he smoked crack? I have smoked crack, yeah.

What was that like? Awesome. It was? I was really high for like 12 seconds. Wow. Yeah. And how about you? How would you describe it?

I didn't like it. It was very panicky, and it smelled like burnt plastic. It smells bad. And now when I smell it in the wild, I know every time. Actually, it was really bad. I smoked crack, and I brought these guys back from the bar where I got the crack, and then they stole my laptop. I would imagine those are the types of things that happen. Hey, that's David.

I don't know. Yeah. It's like, I never smoked crack, but I did steal a few laps. I'm living a pretty good life, and I really don't like that negative energy that's coming from over there. It's a lot of negative energy, and, you know, I'm having a great day.

Yeah. You know, I've never smoked crack, Tony. Okay. I did cocaine, though. How much cocaine have you done? And one day? What do you talk about? I used to be a bartender.

I remember me and this white girl, she was, what, Christie? She was like, 135. Me and her move old... Is that her weight for her credit score? 135 pounds. She might have been like 150. She was real little. Like, we were doing cocaine after work one night,

and we moved a whole two-bedroom apartment, just me and her. Wow. Cocaine, a hell of a drug, boy, I swear. David Jolly, you're the man. Way to get tonight's episode, sorry for us. We love us. America's favorite uncle, David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes. And now we move to the bucket, everybody. This is obviously where the show, you know, this is the mean potatoes of it. Anything can happen. It could be the next great talent of the world. It could be a crazy person. It could be somebody that's great that had a rough night.

It could be somebody that stinks that had a great night. Their set could suck. Their interview could be great or vice versa. Anything could happen. Your first bucket pool of the night, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted. Goes by the name of David Edwards, everyone. Here we go.

David Edwards. I've also been known to look like a chicken that just got done picking the ground. Here's what it is, man. No, guys, really. I just wanted to cut. come out here and acknowledge the fact that I am the unwanted love child of Uncle Laser and Ellen DeGeneres.

Just the ultimate gay, baby. It's been years. They refused to contact me. So I actually moved down here from Utah to get in touch. But I kind of got distracted, guys. A lot of just amazing Latino women here. To all my Latino women, I am like a baboon under the sheets. Brutal hemorrhoids, guys. It's, it's...

Have you guys ever seen the ring? Specifically the scene where the ghost lady is like crawling out of the TV? That's me on the shitter, dude. I am just grunt and sweat. Like an NFL linebacker, dude. It is... It's quite the sight.

Thank you guys. David Edwards. Keep it going for his barber who really got most of the laughs tonight. Amazing. David, how are you, buddy? I'm doing great. How long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

This is my 10th mic. Your 10th mic ever, wow. Yes, sir. Mike, calling it a mic. It's the biggest thing in show business. Yeah. It's not to be professional. Typical mic, just millions and millions of people watching.

Like most open mics, you know, an attentive crowd, a band behind you. Yeah, exactly. So, David, how long ago was the first mic? Six months ago when I moved here. Six months ago, what made you want to start comedy? six months ago. Probably the hair cut.

Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh, well, in Utah, I fell in love with a bisexual woman. Sexual women? Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, there's only one. Yeah, yeah. She started to have sex with this blonde guitarist. Yeah, yeah.

Guy or girl? Girl. So she's just getting finger blasted to the moon right now. So wait, so she left you for a female guitarist? guitarist? Is that what you're saying? We were never together, Tony. You just fell in love with her? I felt hard. From how far away did you fall in love with her? Mandatory 100 foot. Excellent. Yeah. Yeah. What grade is she in?

You got this. David. It's my age. My age. So how old are you? I'm 22 now. 22. So you moved from Utah here six months ago? Yes, sir. Awesome. What were you doing with your life up until that point? Doing fiber optic works. Construction. Construction. Why? Because the end of the cable matched your head?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What they do? Put you in a pipe and you like scurried around like a badger? I just fucked the power outlet, dude. I don't know. Yeah.

So how are you surviving in Austin, Texas? I finally got a job. I was in debt. That's why I only have 10 mics. So... Open mics are so expensive, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the big barrier to comedy.

Exactly. Yes, sir. You don't have money, it's hard to do. Go ahead. But I finally got a job doing fiber optic works again. You specialize in fiber optics? Sure, yeah.

Wow. Wow. Amazing. And did you grow up all of your life in Utah? Yes, sir. LBS or no? No, no. All right.

No, no. That means Mormon, jerks. Yeah. So, David, you're 22. You're starting now. Did you do your hair like that, specifically only when you go do stand-up comedy? Yes, sir.

Right. Just for tonight. Yeah. Exactly. Uh-huh. Yeah. So the stuff was working. You got a big laugh coming out.

And then, you know, you got a good chuckle from Red Band on the, on the, what is it, baboon, hemorrhoid joke? Yeah, that was great. But then it kind of, it kind of all went away after that. Yes, sir. So do you plan on doing more mics to? Yes, sir. Now that I have a job, I can fix up my Jeep.

And what's your job, human ferret? Oh, yes. I'm going to say this. You came out, you have confidence. You're doing good in the interview. You're doing the funny faces. You have timing. Your jokes are going to catch up to what you're currently doing,

and it's probably going to be a lot easier to do more than a minute. Exactly. And you're 22. Thank you. That's how old I was when I started. It's a good age to start at. Thank you. So what else are you into in life?

Do you have any hobbies or you collect things? You seem like the kind of guy that would do like those finger skateboards or something like that? That's my brother, actually. Really? He's actually a yo-yo guy too. Hey, save some pussy this guy's brother. Yeah. Believe it or not, I have the looks.

So. Wow. Yeah. You're a handsome kid. You got piercing green eyes. You're just doing a weirdo thing. I get it. Thank you. Yeah.

So how about you? Your brother's into yo-yo's and finger skateboards? What are you into? Well, I was into, like, hiking and video games and stuff like that, but since moving out, I've just been jacking it. Wow. Okay. That's illegal in Utah.

Yeah. What have you been jacking it, too? What are you into? What are some of your wild fantasies? Let's talk about it. You're 22. We don't get to talk about it. about jacking it with a 22-year-old very often.

Not enough. Yeah. Normally, we'd have to have our own island to have these kinds of conversations. And you wouldn't be 22, I'll tell you what. Not on our island. We'd have the sweetest young ass. Yeah.

You'd be a cougar in our world with that lion mania. You'd be run through and gross. We can still make something happen. No, we can. Yeah, we can. What, you and us? Uh-oh. So yeah, what are your second?

sexual proclivities. Well, I kind of had like a rough come up. So stepfamily, mom. Okay. Yeah. Stepmoms. Yeah. You said step family first, because of though,

there might be a dad or an uncle in there. That's like the... Brady Bunch stuff. Yeah. So what happened to you in your childhood that makes you think that psychologically you're attracted to stepmoms? Oh, well, my mom. My mom, she's cool now.

She's great. She's killing it. She's like an old man in a rocking chair, man. She's rocking it, all right? Okay. But she was like... What was she doing before? Well, she was like an alcoholic, hard.

And she just wasn't there a lot. When she was there, she was drunk. She's cool now, man. She's doing great. But when she was gone, your new hot step mom showed up, right? No, my dad was a bigger guy, so... What's wrong with that? Well, no, you're looking good now, man.

Hey, right back at you. Just kidding. Any other crazy thing we should know about the life of David Edwards? Any fun facts? You ever almost die? You ever save a life? Well, when I graduated high school, I got four baby raccoons. I just kind of found them.

So I raised them up, and then I let them free. And now there's like so many raccoons in Utah, dude. That's all me. Out of absolutely nowhere. At an absolute insane time to come out. Eyes up. Eyes up. Thank you, Heidi.

Okay. That was wild. All right. Okay. Here you go. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Thank you, sir. Just getting started.

David Edwards, everybody. David Edwards. Haircuts will take you a long way early in comedy. I'm against. Well, I'm not saying. Everyone should have cool hair, right, Red Band? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, red band, gross. You know, doing your hair to be able to do jokes, it's just something that I've kind of always been against. But, you know, he's starting out. He's just getting his legs underneath them. He's got hemorrhoids. He'll figure it out. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive.

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BetMGEM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. On to our next bucket pool. You guys get it? You haven't fun yet? All right, here we go. Number two goes by the name of Candice August. Everybody, here comes Candice August. Hey, I am in.

an interracial marriage, and so I'm the only black person in my husband's family. And because of that, they always have noyan-ass questions for me. One time my sister-in-law was like, hey, Candace, can you please talk to the kids about Juneteenth? And that shit pissed me to fuck off. Because then I had to go look up with Juneteenth was. I had absolutely no idea. I snuck in the bathroom and searched that shit on Google.

I was like, oh, this is why I was off work on Monday? Oh, okay. Since they always got questions for me, I decided to start making shit up, just giving us superpowers. They asked me a dumb question. I give them a dumb answer. Like, hey, Candice, do black people like fried chicken?

Of course we do. And we can see in the dark. Did you know that? That's my time. Y'all have a good night. Candice August. Damn. Hi, Candice.

You've been on this show before. I have. Hi, Tony. Red Band. Hello. Very funny. Welcome back. Sam, is this your first time seeing Candice? I think so, and I got to say, Candace, you came out with like 20 seconds of set up and paid off that Juneteenth

joke, and it was awesome. That was great. Thank you so much. Sam, it's not our first time meeting. No? We were on two comedy festivals together, one in Santa Fe and one in Hawaii. Oh, that Santa Fe one. Can you believe it only lasted one year? It's an industry joke.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I get it. And that Hawaiian was also like a real who cares jackoff show at the festival who the fuck's going to comedy shows you live in paradise they don't give a fuck they just are like but it was beautiful it was a beautiful you're telling me welcome back candace remind us how long you've been doing stand-up candace 13 years 13 years where at um all over actually all over the east coast i started in dc then i did um new jersey new york then i did Tampa florida and then i moved here um thank you there's a couple things i want to clear up Can I have a moment?

Okay. All right. You're clearing up things from previous appearances? Yes. Okay. How long ago was your last time on the show about Ballpark? No, I remember. It was June 2025.

Perfect. Okay. It's June 10th, right? Yeah, no. Let's do it. Let's make our corrections here. Clear some things up for us, Kansas. All right.

So it's only two things. So number one, I got really good feedback. They were like, oh, she was so funny, blah, blah, blah. But then no one could find me because no one spells my name right. My name is spelled K-A-N-D-Y-C-E. Last name is August, like the month. If you're looking for me online, please follow me. So that was number one.

Number two, even though they said great things about my comedy, they said horrible things about my appearance. They were so mean. They were just like, she's so fat, does she have diabetes? I would like to say the last time I was on the show, that was not me being fat, that was me being pregnant. I just had a baby. Wow.

Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Look at that. Red band. Redband, you can use that excuse every week tomorrow. I love it. You really just had a baby?

She's two and a half months old. Okay. Congratulations. Thank you. Do you know whose it is? Huh? Red band. You can't just ask people questions like that.

That's crazy to do. What happened to the Mexican dude? Hi, sir. What the fuck is going on over here? Do you know who the father is? Yeah. Is that him? Yes, my husband.

Is it the drummer? Okay. All right, perfect. I can't believe that people online were mean to a black woman. They were, oh. They're mean to everybody, and it's a roasty show. Of course. I wouldn't take it too persons.

No, they say some real wild stuff on it. Yeah. I know. But I know that one of the things that you do on the show is when people need to lose weight, you weigh them, and then you invite them back with a weight loss challenge. That is true. And I'm ready if you want to do it. Really?

fucking ready, yeah. I mean, you are wearing your jeans backwards tonight. You know, the times are tough. That's the front. Those buttons are holding on for dear life. Those are bullet holes. Heidi, can we get a scale out here?

Let's see what happens here. So what is going to be the challenge? How much do I need and when do you want me to come back? I mean, I'll give you six months. Okay. And let's see how much you have. It's a lot. It's a lot.

And then we'll set... It's post baby weight, so understand that. Okay. You're still glowing. Thank you. Oh, thank you, Sam. Give it up for Sam. He's such a nice guy.

I know you don't remember meeting me, but you were so nice every time. I actually do remember meeting you because we hung out in that bad restaurant in Santa Fe. We did. And your name is spelled with a Y, which I also remember. Yes. And remember you said it's pronounced Yucca and I said it's pronounced Yuka. Yeah, and that's why we're not friends. Yeah.

Now I remember canned ice. That is true. Her name is spelled with a cake. Candice is on the scale. Let's see what we got here. What do you got, canada? 239. 239.

Red band says that's what he weighs. There's not a chance in fucking hell. Red band weighs that. Red band famously lies about anything. He once said that he could suck his own dick, everybody. Not only is he not flexible, but his dick is not big enough to reach that. I was there. That was at the arena show and he failed miserably.

You think you weigh 239 or less? I weighed 239 this morning with clothes on. Okay. How about this? I will bet $1 million right now that you come in over $2.39. Let's do it! Let's do it! That's what I'm saying.

Does anybody ever seen a live $1 million bet before? No! Anybody want to go live for a quick million? $2 million for Tony. Tony's gonna win. No fucking weigh. 249. So last episode, that's why I said 249.

Last episode, we found out the skill's about 10 pounds off. So you actually weigh about 229 probably. You think so? Yeah, yeah. Okay. No. No, remember last episode? No, it's been recalibrated.

We recalibrated it. You wanna get up there? See if you weigh less than 239. Nervous. Now, you didn't shake on the bat so it's not official, but I'm still guaranteeing 245 or higher here. No, I've been 249. 249.

All right. No. In that case, I'm gonna go 252. 252 is my guess, Candice. Read it when it pops up there. 242. Whoa! Still over 239.

If I would have won the million. All right, I'm gonna get on this game. Took his shoes off. Are you guessing? Oh. Whoa. What do you got Tony? What do you got, Tony?

128 pounds. 150, I think. One fifty-sixth. Tony, you should have put my shoes on before you weighed in. 166. You guys all have just at least over 50 or 60 pounds on me. Absolutely. You remember that, Blair.

Swiss you. That's right. Candice, how's mom life going? Is that your first kit? It's my first. Wow. How is it? What have you learned?

What surprises you? It's a lot. It is a lot. It is a lot. But she's perfect. She's perfect. She's half black, half Indian. I gave birth to a little Kamala.

Oh my goodness. That's the character for Mortal Kombat? No. She probably already talks better than Kamala. She's actually very smart, very alert. Very alert. You can see like she follows things with her eyes. She's only two and a half months.

She's great. What a blessing. Yeah, thank you. I love it. I love her so much. And the Indian dad is being a good dad? He's perfect. Yeah.

So perfect. Watching her right now so I can come out here and follow my dreams. Right. Yeah, he's great. He's great. When the Indian dad holds her near his armpit, does she start to cry? No. No, Tony.

He smells fantastic. Come on. Nail them. Gotta get some good Indian dad jokes in there, you know? No, he's perfect. He sounds really good. What is he? Cherokee or Choctaw?

No. Sometimes you don't know if it's the diaper or ham that smells? No! Red band. Red band. Absolutely not. Fuck y'all. He's perfect. He's wonderful.

Amazing. And he works with computers and stuff. stuff. Yeah, right? I mean, they all do. Yeah. That's like, that's not even racist. That's just a fact. Am I correct?

Or they're doctors. Well, I mean. He actually has an accounting degree. Yeah. Okay. What does he do for work, though? He works at a debt consolidation company, helping people get out of debt. On a computer.

Yeah. Okay, everything's on a computer, sir. And did he clear up your debt? Yeah. I don't know how you met. I don't know how you met, I assume, you know. I don't have any, because I'm with him. And he's really good with money because he's an accountant.

Hell, yeah. Amazing. Well, Candice, we're looking forward to seeing you in six months. Yeah. Let's set the goal. So you're at 239 now. What seems reasonable for six months? Sam, you're a weight loss master.

What do you think is fair yet challenging? You know what? I feel like if you were able to lose 20 pounds in six month, that's a great step forward in your progress to your health goals. 20 pounds? I think that's fair. And I'm going to jump in here. because it seems 20 is a little easy for me.

That's what you think. You're 108 pounds. No, I'm 166. Yeah. You have all those gold bars in your pocket. Yeah. You never had to lose a pound in your life, Tony. You don't know what you're talking about.

I used to cut weight for wrestling. I used to wrestle. I used to wrestle with men. Best days of my life. Was it hard to cut from 115 to 112? I did at times. And down to 103. When I was a freshman, it was 103.

I had to cut from 325 to 275. I played football at 325 and I'd have to cut 50 pounds. It's insane. Sam, how much of you lost total? Because you were way bigger when I saw you. Oh, thanks. I'm a human being, Kansas. You look fantastic is what I'm saying.

Thank you. Well, I was pregnant when we met. I've lost, I think, based on that, that's 96 pounds. That's more than my fiancee weighs. I know. Wow, that's incredible. Oh, the book was great, by the way. I read it.

Thank you. Fantastic. But that's amazing. Almost 100 fucking pounds? Yeah, yeah. I want to get down to like 1.15. That's. But you're like 6'4? I'm going to get back to my birth weight.

No. So Candace, let's have some fun with this. You're 239 today. You're coming back in six months. I think we're. We set it at... 215, that's 25 pounds. Let's set it at 25.

But let's add a little something. One million dollars. Let's say... What do we have? I know what I want to win, but go ahead. What do you want to win? I would like to win. I just want to be a part of the show.

I would like to win... What? Um... I would... Shut up. They're auditioning for Blank. They're auditioning for black drummers. I would like one of two things.

Okay. Or both. You tell me. Okay. Either a golden ticket or a spot at Madison Square Garden. Okay. Let's make a deal here. Let's make a deal.

Because six months will be after Madison Square Garden. Okay. So that's impossible. But let's do this. If you lose 25 pounds, I'll give you one more spot. in addition where you won't have to sign up. Oh, beautiful. But to make things exciting, since you're 239,

if by some fucking miracle, you're able to get to 199 or less. In six months, under 200 pounds, okay, okay. I mean, I'm just saying, it's not that hard. The stakes are fucking high. Okay, well, if you only eat steaks, you'll actually do it. So the steaks would actually be the path.

Okay, all right, what is it? I'm fucking ready. If you get $199 or less, I will put you up at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. Let's fucking go. The sold-out arena here in us. Let's fucking go. A little fun weight loss challenge.

And you can do it. I can definitely do it. In the meanwhile, ladies and gentlemen, here's a big joke book for you, Candace. There you go. Now she's 2.40 with that joke book. Look out. Thank you, Tony.

Going the wrong direction. There she goes, Candace August, everybody. Hell yeah. All right, we're having fun up here. We're gonna keep it moving. He everybody, crushing it. All right, no gratitude here, no problem. That's the problem with people

today. There's no fucking gratitude anywhere. I saw a guy with a forehead of hair say he had a bad hair day. I was like, bitch. I look like I drive a Honda C.R.V. as a stepdad. That's what people are missing, man. And one of the things that I was gratefully blessed with was my dad had a heart transplant. So every day he woke up was a grateful day, right? And I got this tattoo in remembrance of him. And it says all this extra time, that was my dad's mom. I had a Cuban guy tattoo it and I was like, Mira, Emanuel, I don't want to see no silent H's in that bitch. No tildes.

And I love it and I love everything it stands for, but the only thing I regret is where I put it because it's on my right hand. I gotta go jerk off. I'm like, Papi, you already had your time, you know what I mean? But it does stay true to something my dad always told me, said, life's gonna get hard, life's gonna get rough. But if you need a hand, I'll always say,

be there for you and I was like god damn not like that thank y'all my name is see bass matre right see bass matart I kind of got lost there you said the dad had a heart transplant did he pass away oh yeah in 2013 but he lived 27 that's what I'm talking about red band party time he lived 27 years extra with the heart transplant he was supposed to live five and he outlived the surgeon who gave it to him so wow yeah yeah yeah yeah he was supposed to be sterile had me seven years later So. I, surprisingly enough, this tattoo on your right hand,

I had the exact same premise early on in comedy, because I have 303 because I'm from Colorado. Okay. So, right? So, but when you jerk off, it looks like, wow, you know. But if you want to go, I'm just remembering that if you want to go fucking Southpaw, you flip it over, treat yourself, and it says, mom. That's crazy.

So it's kind of the same thing, bro. This one, if you kind of look at it, it looks like dick and bowls. You know what I mean? So it's always like my dad reminded me, like, my dick's bigger than yours. And I was like, I guess that, I guess. Well, we're not doing tags, but very... Fair, fair, fair.

All right, steep ass matar. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years now, closing in on year nine. Wow. Where at? Miami for about four years, and then over here for about another four years.

Okay. How's it going? Good? Oh, yeah, it's going dope, man. I mean, I love Austin. I love Maine, like Texas. all of Texas has shown me a bunch of love and I'm actually moving back to Miami

next Friday so this was my last sign up and I got fucking pulled again I was on here like two years ago but okay Texas must have been showing you a lot of love if you're moving that's my wife my wife and my mom we need the family they live here with you now

my wife lives with me our families live in Miami my mom lives in Miami what ethnicity are you Cuban Chileano yeah South America Not Mexican. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, we didn't say you were. Yeah, Jesus. The accent, the accent Tony said was a little, you know. It's Carlos' birthday. And it looks like you're ready to play horns with that haircut. Whatever you need. How about the wife? What's the wife's ethnicity? She's full Cuban, both parents Cuban.

Full Cuban. But she's a bit of a handful, right? Oh, my God. Tell us about the Cuban wife. That's a real firecracker, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. How many times it is a... Has she broken your glasses?

Ah, no, never that. Never, never the glasses. No, no, we've never, thankfully, I'm very blessed with my wife. And you have kids? Not yet. We're working on it though, definitely. That's part of the reason why we're moving back to Miami. Being around family, trying to have kids.

It's easier to conceive when your family's there. That's right. Especially in your in-laws house, because that's where the fuck I'm going. You're moving in with her parents. Yeah, thankfully. They got a bit... We're not sharing like a small house.

They have a four-bedroom house. They're empty nesters. So we're going to try to get our feet under us over there and then see what we do. Very nice. And she believes in you doing stand-up. She supports you. Yes, thankfully. And did the in-laws support it?

Have they ever seen you do a show? Yes, they're actually my biggest supporters. I actually got a show lined up in Miami. Just a small little brewery show, nothing crazy. And they're already, like, you know, buying tickets and telling all their friends and everything. So thankfully, the whole family. Thank you, y'all. I appreciate that.

They will appreciate this. Yeah. I think they're doing an injustice. What do you do for work? What do you do for a job? I'm actually a game show host. There's a place called Game Show Battle Rooms just opened up in Austin nationwide,

and I am a host for the game shows. What the fuck are you talking about? It's like game shows. It's just an escape room, and you're ruining it for everybody. It's like a higher version of an escape room. But yes, right into that same ballpark. What, a nightmare? Is that a tough gig for you?

Not at all. It's fun. It's great. People have a blast. I think I've seen this before I think I've seen an ad or a promo Yeah it's all over I think it's a whole idea Yeah yeah it's very dope Honestly it sounds very like

Man who's gonna come to this But when people go they like I've seen people walk in Very like I don't want to fucking be here Because it's a lot of team building and then when they leave They're like oh my God this is amazing So it's a fun time Incredible I'll have to take your word for it

You know what that sound means Anyway C-Bass what's another fun fact about you're like, before I get you out of here. I used to be a hype man for the Miami Dolphins. I actually came out on the Miami Herald as our local newspaper against the Cleveland Browns. Back in 2016, Jay Ajay drove in the game-winning touchdown.

I think it was in overtime. And I came out in the Miami Herald, like, high-fiving him. So that was dope, man, you know? What does that have to do with you coming out? I thought you were married to a woman and you're going to have... Hey. Yeah. Oh.

All right. Now, what Seabash, man? I didn't know that was a name. In Spanish, Sebastian's my name. And then Sevas is what everyone would call me Seva, Seva, Seva. So then in Miami, 95% of the people speak Spanish. And Sewas just stuck, and it was Seabas. Hmm.

Great. Well, we hope that you have a wild success in Miami. Keep chasing your dreams and have a good time. Appreciate it. Yeah, here's one last little joke book. There you go, another little one. Oh, shit. That's the half Cuban side of me.

I would have caught it if I was full Cuban. The Chile, the Chileno would have caught it. Am I saying that correctly? Yes. What are they known for? The Chileanos. I mean, I don't have any racist jokes. Knife crime.

Enpanadas. All right. Easter Island. Okay, that's enough. There he goes. One more time for Steve Bass of guitar. Back to Miami, he goes. He goes.

That should be a new part of the show. If you don't do good, you have to move to Miami. All right. Your next bucket pool, anything can happen, folks. Goes by the name of Austin Ingalls, everybody. We're going to meet Austin altogether. Here he is. Thank you so much.

I'm from the Midwest. My family's old-fashioned is what you say when your family's still racist. And all my friends are starting families of their own. And one of my friends, his kid has Asperger's, ADHD and autism. I can never remember a little fucker's name, so I just call him AAA. I used to work at a prison for like three years,

and you meet a lot of interesting people when you work at a prison, employees as well. We worked with this one guy who would eat his own hair, and if you can believe it, he didn't crush it with the women. There was reason for that. He was into child porn. Yeah, he got busted at his house with a computer full of child pornography.

That was the last time. I trusted a coworker with my laptop. Thank you. I saw a homeless person outside holding a sign that said, Dying of AIDS. Could you use that sign before the blow job? Thank you, guys. I'm Austin Ingalls.

Austin, everybody. This is your first time on the show, Austin? Second. It's been a while. What did we find out about you last time you were on this show? Not much. I bombed the interview pretty hard. Really? Yeah. Can you describe it a little bit better for us?

Matt Rife was on. I was like one of the first times in comedy that I've had like an out-of-body experience and it was on this fucking show. It happens. Pretty terrible. Matt Rife does that. Yeah, he's a handsome fella.

Beautiful. When you're looking at that guy, you're out of my body. I know that. Usually he only does that to women though, but... Speak for yourself there. I would never speak for you, Tony. That's right.

Where in the Midwest are you from? Like the Quad Cities, Peoria area. Dony Townsend on your... Yeah, I just put out Dony Town. All right, I put out a special on my YouTube. Yeah, on his YouTube. That's interesting because I'll be in the Midwest, so I'll be in Chicago and Madison and Grand Rapids.

Yeah, Peoria. Buy the Peoria is where I grew up. I'm doing my plugs. Sorry. No, but you're wearing the comedy cabin. That's a great club. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, good for you. Thank you. So, Austin, you really worked at a prison? Yeah, for like, two and a half years in the, like, Kiwani, Illinois, a very small town. What did you do at the prison? Correction officer. Wow.

Hated it. Tell us something that was going on there. What did you learn that surprised you being a correction? They're murderers free in the street right now, but like murdered people in the 80s and they're just out now. Yeah, tell us something we don't know. Yeah. Well, I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah, until I worked. Does they get probation and stuff? Yeah, and one of them was like about to die. He was like 85, and they're just like, yeah, you can just go, dude. There's the door. He was a great worker, but, yeah. He told me he watched somebody's soul leave their body on PCP, and he's free now, so. Okay.

That's pretty cool. What do you do for work now? Door guy stuff on Rainy Street. There we go. Ladies, maybe go one at a time. Fucking bozos. There's just two women walking side by side with each other, knocking over everything that exists. Absolute fucking idiots.

You ever seen anything crazy like that? Ruined everything for me. Thanks, ladies. Literally. I mean, women can't even fucking, they have to hold on to each other to do anything in society. It's fucking unbelievable.

Sorry that the stuff happening out there is more entertaining than you, Austin. But I mean, holy shit, I've never really seen anything like it. It took two or three drinks getting knocked over for it to get my attention. And then sure enough, there they are. Just holding on to each other

through a tight alleyway. No tits at all. Fuck yeah. You ever see a man get raped at your job? A guy in a wheelchair. I got sadder somehow? I'm gonna let that. I'm gonna let that.

No, a guy in a wheelchair was getting raped by another, like, retarded person in healthcare. I didn't do it. I don't know why you're grounding in me, like, yeah. I don't know why you had to say he was retarded. He was, though. He's a rapist, but you don't have to go crazy. He was...

He's a wheelchair guy rapist, we don't have to cast aspersions. Let me ask you this. This happened in the showers or something? The health care area, yeah, back in the shower. areas. Like, they have their own little cells. Was the guy showering in his wheelchair? He just couldn't move so, like,

the retard would go in there when, uh... Jesus. I mean, I... And you say it like you just watched it every day. Get the hose. Mikey's up to it again. I, uh... We gotta put a bell on Jeff. His wheelchair's all over. Oh, they're using the stoma.

Did you ever see this take place? I didn't see it, no. You never saw. I was in the health care area. first shift and apparently this was happening on third shift so I just I just missed it so damn just like the security camera outside of Epstein's cell nope at least his ass is clean the wheelchair guy's ass is probably you know the cleanest it would ever be red band he did get washed by people red band's on to something there he was getting washed and like cleaning a baby in a sink right yeah if that but yeah what do you do for work now Austin um

I work at a place called Crazy Conscious on Rainy. It's like a door guy. So security, do some comedy shows there. Okay. And then just, you know, do spots around town as much as I can. All right. What else? You in love?

Do you have a girlfriend? No, I love all the Mexican. It's a Mexican restaurant, so see a lot of beautiful Latinos, and I would love to get with one of those someday. Have you ever been with a beat? All right. Quit saying one of those then. I'm going to put you on some game, young blood.

All right. Hey, hey, I want them. One of you should suck me. Suck. So you've been with a Latino one? Yes, I have, yes. What have you noticed is different being with a Latino woman than a white woman? What is it about them that you think psychologically you find satisfaction from?

You have to get that like... They're loyal. I mean, they are loyal. Getting the corn skin off of the pussy, that's tough. To Molly, come on, Carlos. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yeah.

Oh, that's good. They're loyal? That's your answer? No, I mean, you know, like they get psycho, and I like that. Like I was just, I was just hooking up with one and she took it further, so, you know. Like what? What do you mean? Went through my phone when I was asleep and, uh... He's one on your Netflix password. Yeah.

This is an actual thing that is you can go through the history of Coltony and you will find out that Latino women go through your phone. when you're sleeping. A little fun fact for you. Jealous as fuck. I didn't have, it was a Tinder matchup. I didn't think that I thought we were both, you know, on the same playing field, but she took it further. And yeah, I went through my phone after like the second time hanging out.

When you say Tinder matchup, this was like a first date or something? Early. Second time hooking up. We never really looking up and she's already going through your phone. Yeah, never really went on a date. Okay, red band. Stick with the soundboard. Stick of the fucking soundboard.

There's a lot of buttons you could hit. Look, look, look, turn up your volume. Look, there you go. There you go. Hit that one. It's a perfect time for that one. There you go. Jesus Christ. Then I found out she worked at McDonald's and she didn't bring me food.

I wasn't happy about that. And then the whole night afterwards, yeah, is when she went through my phone. That's crazy on the second hookup going. Second hookup. Can't imagine. That's what Latino women are like. Did you eat the McDonald's before you had sex with her? No, I didn't.

I didn't find out until after. That's why I was mad. She was dead. Yeah. Amazing. Well, don't sound great in that situation, but... Austin, fun times. Here you go.

Thank you, sir. Austin. Appreciate it. Thank you, guys. All right, let's have some fun in here right now. We have one of our newest golden ticket winners, who is an absolute fucking machine, ready to go. Very funny man.

We love him. You're gonna love him. He's getting spots. He just recently got passed here at the mothership from being seen by the talent coordinator at Amigot. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back the great Pat O'Neill, everybody. Here he is, the very funny Pat O'Neill. My son just came out as trans.

Well, shouldn't call him my son anymore. Now that he's dead to me, uh, they got him on puberty blockers, or his pedophiles call him preservatives fucking medical medicine. The other day of my job, I was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets. I work in a circus and goes, there's people.

There's a thing to do this. I'm down, Tyrion, you bigot. You there, sir, let me ask you. What do you call a little person with ADHD? That's right, a fidget. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings. The ultimate puberty blocker. And, you know, these shootings are often done by the same race.

I'm looking at you, honkies. White kids need to learn from their black classmates and save the shootings for after school. For them, it's an extracurricular activity. Okay. Thank you. Every fucking line was a punch line, bro. That's how stand-up should be.

That's very good. Jokes. Yes, jokes, man. No waste fucking opportunity to get a laugh out of these people, bro. You respected their time. That got me fired up, dude. That was fucking sick. Above and beyond.

Me too. I forgot how good it can be. That is like not only the set of the night so far, but I mean, that's like some of the best material I've heard, period, in a long time. Fucking love you, Pat. Preservatives? Preservatives is sick and then you call back to it like three jokes later in a one-minute set like dude just way to go, bro. It's amazing. I think it's a good crowd too who wants some candy.

Whoa. You wanted one too. Oh my goodness, look at them. He's got a cannon on them. Pat, what's your writing process like? How much material do you think you have if you were to do the longest set possible and yeah, I'll follow that up with another question? I mean, I can do, like, there's only so many black and trans jokes you can do in one set, right? So, like, minute by minute on this show, quite a lot.

But, like, I've done, like, 40 minutes before when I actually has to be, like, different topics. Per week, if you had to guess or so, or per month, how many new minutes that you like do you think you're writing? I do, like, 15 new jokes a week, and then, like, three or four are usually good enough. You know what I'm going to do, Pat, right now is something that I've never done in the show's history. Right now. If you want it, you can have it. You're the first person ever, I do believe, elevated from a golden ticket winner

to a full-time regular. Yeah, that's a promotion. Pretty amazing. You gotta reward that shit, man. Yes, dude. I wanna see it, I wanna see it every week. Dude, I have hosts on the road who do the same amount of jokes you did

in like a 10 minute set, bro. Like, keep this shit coming. Yeah, thank you. You could be one of the things. the true greats. How old are you? 30 now. Fuck yeah, man. 30. They always laugh. I know.

It's unbelievable. You look like Beavis Ann Butthead. You are so built for this. I've said it every time since the first time I saw you. I mean, you are just a true comedian, and now we're going to get to see you every week on the show. So welcome. Your life just got a little bit crazier. Welcome to the family.

One more time for Pat O'Neill, everybody. That's how you do it. It's that easy. You fucking absolutely destroy, you get rewarded. If you just do okay, you don't. If you do bad, you get made fun of, and then you're embarrassed and then you leave. It's a very simple show.

If you're unbelievable, I want to see more of you. It's like common sense. Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Big sense. some noise for your next bucket pool. I mean again this could be the future. Anything can happen. Make some noise for actually. Thank you. I've been doing a lot of drugs and dwelling on my traumas. And mushrooms showed me that my biggest trauma was learning that Santa Claus was not real.

But here's the thing when you think about Santa when you're on mushrooms, you realize they've been talking about Santa for thousands of years. And they're going to keep talking about Santa for thousands of years. Yet I'm only going to live for like 80 years. So in a way, isn't Santa more real than me? So here's my question. If Santa is not real and I'm less real than Santa, then why did it feel real when he molested me at the mall?

Our trauma has ground us in the physical reality. Thank you. Okay. Akshay Bimbit. What a spooky final line to say. Yeah, I've done bad. Here at the comedy show. Spooky is a good adjective for the styles of Akshay Bimit.

Welcome. Thank you. Welcome, Akshay. We met your black wife earlier. How's being a father going for you? I was like, I'm going to say it. No, you're good. Was she lovely?

She was so lovely. Akshay, how long have you been in stand-up? I've been all in since COVID, but it's been around a decade. Okay. Where have you been doing it at? I started in New York. New York City. When I left Wall Street, I moved to L.A.

Okay. And then I moved with my band from L.A. to Austin. Your band? Yes, sir. It's the name of your band. The Ancient Asses. Ooh. Wow.

I'm surprised I haven't heard of you. Red band, you're going to have a hard time googling that with your search history. That's... That's... You're going to have to close some tabs, I think. Wow. That is amazing. The ancient...

Two E's. Sick. Two E's. The... Just to be... Got a music to you guys do. We're going with post-psychedelic is the genre we're rolling with. Yeah.

And it says here, on your website. that you are a drummer. Is that true? I am the drummer, yes. That's amazing. You know, Akshay, and I don't even think, I don't know if you know this, Justin Heights. I don't know if you know this.

Do you know about this? There's a part of the show every once in a great while, once every 10 episodes or so when we find out someone's a drummer, they have a drum solo off. Are you down to do this? All right, Justin Heights is down. Akshay, put the mic in the mic stand there. We're gonna hear a little drum solo from

Akshay, who I'm guessing is going to play the drums with his bare hands. By the looks of things. Well, there's no Mexican here. So this is our first ever not Mexican drum off. This is our first ever Indian black drum off, everybody. Here we go. This is very exciting. Very good red band. Very good. All right, ladies and gentlemen, the first ever Indian black drum off. Here he is, Akshay Bimbeck. Yeah, no, let's do it. Sam, you know what, Justin, before you get back there,

because I believe, here, come this way real quick. We're gonna get to you in just a second, because I do believe that in this crazy world that we live in, I'm gonna, I'm betting that Sam Talent can actually beat Akshay Bembet in this drum off. Ladies and gentlemen, this is our first ever Indian white black drum off. That's right. It's the first time you've ever heard that sound effect before.

That is terrorist with the friends theme and baking soda. Ladies and gentlemen, here to beat Akshay, step back here with Justin so that the cameras can get Sam Talon defeating you in your own thing that you do, supposedly. Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Talon on the drums. Oh, shit. Make some noise for the great Justin Heights. Justin, let's bring this party home.

Even though, without a doubt, without a doubt, Sam Talent just beat Akshay. But, Akshay, we're gonna bear- We just have talent in his last name, so- We're gonna bury you one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Justin Heights. Black, white, drum off. Everybody won except for you, Akshay.

It's pretty amazing. I'm just happy to be here. I love it, I love it. Akshay, what were you doing on Wall Street? Traditional investment banking. And you didn't like that, right? What? What did that mean?

I got my solid decade in, and it's time to move on. made good money? I did okay, yeah. Did you save it? I did save it. And you still have some. Yes. So you get to live your dreams. You get to play music, you get to do comedy. Wear cool outfits. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Uh, yeah. Pursuing comedy and music is pretty much all I do. I'm trying to get it all off the ground. I love that. I love that. What else, actually? Do you have a job now, or are you just going off your savings? I'm just going off savings. Nice. Very cool. Thank you. How much do you have left? Enough to be present right now.

Can I guess and you tell me higher or lower? Would that be okay? You're gonna be shy? That would not be a fun game for me now. Yeah, but it's fun for that. The millions of viewers at home? Yeah, you already had two drummers beat me. Just go easy on there.

All right. Actually, I was gonna guess, I was gonna guess $550,000. Is it higher or lower? It's less than that, yeah. Oh, damn. 545,000. But I don't need much more to be happy. That is true. That's a good point. What makes you happy? What brings you great joy other than comedy and playing music? Give us one more. Fun fact about action.

I've been taking shepherding lessons with my dog, learning to become a shepherd. Now we're talking action. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You should have led with this. Okay. You're a nomadic. What kind of things are you going to shepherd? Well, goats is all... Sorry, not goats. Sheep is all. all the training facility has. I got too excited for this. What kind of dog is there? He is a blue healer.

Ah, yeah. Name is Wiley. And he's adorable, but we'll fuck you up. Yes, he will. I once, yeah, we once had a friend that had a blue healer. And this was a very long time ago. And, yeah, that dog was

ruthless, to say the least. Did you call him blue healers? We called them blue tick healers where I grew up? I actually just bought him a shock collar. We're talking. Sorry. Sorry. We're trying to get down to the regional

differences in dog names, so. No, what were you saying? I'm very sorry. You killed a moment. Move on. No, no. We can... I don't think I did. Do you know why they call them healers? No. I actually found that... Oh, because they get your heels? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they do. That's right. You knew that, right? I did know. I did know. I did know. I did know. I did

that and I actually bought him a shock collar and no kidding I was inspired by Timmy No Breaks's performance yeah legendary to make that happen to get the nip out I live with my bandmates and one of the dog does not does not like one of my bandmates so why what do you think it is about that bandmate that the dog doesn't like I don't know I think he is he trying maybe a scene into his past life and doesn't approve I don't know that's about all I can think of you should look at his son shot collar you might like that. Okay?

Weird kink I don't know about. Sure. Okay, dokey. There's Red Band again. On the mic, please. All right. Akshay, anything else crazy we should know about you? You have a girlfriend?

No girlfriend. Okay. You into women? I am into women. What's your favorite type of woman? You could have anyone, what would it be? Well, apparently, lack. Women, do her, yes.

All right, okay. All right. Now why do you have this affection for the, for the ebony guy? goddess, because it was bestowed upon me by you guys. Akshay, here's a little brown joke book, just like you, a little brown joke book. Akshay Bimbit, this date is Kiltony debut. And the show just keeps moving along.

Thank you. You're welcome, Akshay. There he goes, everybody. One more time for Akshay, everyone. All right, your next bucket pool. This is an easy to say name after Akshay Bimbit. It's spelled very hard. This one's easy.

Joe Jacks, everyone. Make some noise for Joe Jax. Come to show. What's up, dogs? Chill. I was watching Forrest Gump the other day. Where my Gump is it? I don't know.

I just had this thought when I was watching the movie. You know the plot of the movie? It's like a guy who goes through history. He's like slow. He doesn't know what's going on. I thought it would be really funny if Forrest Gump was involved a bunch of really racist shit and had no idea. You know?

it's like, I went to the woods with my new friends. All the sudden, we was dressed as ghosts. They started burning a big tea, and I left because I got hot. It's fucking Vietnam. Lieutenant Dan is just like waterboarding Vietnamese villagers. Forests in the corner, like, I guess they was thirsty. Mama said, Bubba was it? Fuck yeah, Joe Jacks.

Welcome to this show, Joe. This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. Welcome. How long you've been on stand-up? Like seven years-ish. Where at? I started in Orlando.

My boy came where my boys. He was in New York now. Yeah, yeah. Started out in Orlando. Came in his public's uniform. I don't know, I just want... How old are you? I'm 26.

Okay, 26. I know I look like a lesbian and I can't grow a beard, but... You look like Tignitaro. Fuck, dude. That's not cool, man. I thought you were very nervous when you came out, but you totally landed it, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Good work. Yeah, very comfortable, very cozy. It makes sense. You started at 19. Yeah. And I was even cuter back then, bro. I know I'm cute as fuck now, but it was, you know, saying curse words on stage, they love that.

All right, Joe. What do you do for work? I'm like a blue collar-esque. I hang blinds, like job sides. You hang blinds? Good thing D-Madness is in here right now. That would be terrible. That'd be horrendous.

Boy, he chose the right time to go pee. Wow. How long you've been hanging blinds for? Only a few months. I'm still earning my man status. How do you get into the hanging blinds business? You just get a footstool and say, let's go to work. Four foot ladder.

I figured their dog just bit you one too many times. I mean, I am an alpha male. Joe, you're rubbing off on me. Now, Joe, with the blinds, are you enrich people's homes quite often? Not really. It's just like construction size and stuff. But we're the finishers, so we get air conditioning and shit. It's pretty tight.

I mean, it is blue collar, and I feel like a man when I say that on dates. But really, it's like the easiest shit I can be doing. That's great. It's good that you found a job like that. How often are you going on dates? I mean, I was in a little bit of a non-pussy-getting era, and now I'm back, dude. Okay.

Let's talk about the difference between a non-pussy era and a pussy-getting era. You know, like, spooting. This woman's an expert. Spooning your pillow, thinking about your ex, and then the non-pussy-getting era is, like, you know, like every couple weeks. It's like something new. Okay.

So you're on, like, dating apps, and stuff like that. Yeah, I use Hinge. It's not great. You know, I want to meet someone in real life. Go to a bowling alley with $100. A bowling alley. Yeah.

You walk in there with, like, a cool chain, maybe a swinging pair of sunglasses, you know? Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're black and good at drums, too. That'd be... I don't know. Have a little rhythm? I can't imagine going up to a stranger.

Why? You went up to a bunch of strangers, and you did the job. And being horny, too, that's like... I want to see what it's... I want to see you talk to a... woman. I want to see what it's like when you talk to because you're so comfortable on stage. Oh, what's so shorty? I can't believe. Where's Heidi? Can we get Heidi up here?

Heidi? Let's see what happens if he tries to look Heidi right in her eyes. Because that's where we all look when Heidi's around. Right in her eyeballs. You're supposed to look at me. I'm over here. Tony, why are you? Get a little spotlight Kino. Come on, Joe, go for it. Are you from Tennessee? No, I grew up in Wisconsin. Fuck, that ruins the rest of this. Because you're the only 10 eyes, see? Oh, shit. Oh, my dogs.

No, you got a role with Wisconsin. She gave you Wisconsin to work with. What would you say if she said Wisconsin? Wisconsin's nuts. No. Oh, Jesus. I mean. This is not what I expected out of this.

Now, Heidi, when you hear that, are you soaked immediately? Dripping West. Fuck, you guys took my phone. I was going to get the Instagram. No, I mean, I'm sensitive and shit. What's up? There's something about you that's just so charming. I can't like put my finger on it though.

What's your pronoun, Shorty? She her. It's taller than you, dude. Yo, I'm trying to she them, tinias, dude. Did you go home and practice this? You're actually so good. I told you I got a lot of pussy. Incredible. He's really coming out of his shelf.

I said, Did I mention blue collar? Fuck. Y'all, you need your curtains hung? You can hang my curtains any day. Wow, look at that. Oh, my goodness. I love you.

Wow, amazing. What a first moment. Are we going to start dating right now? Hey, I'm looking for love, dude. Me too. I'm out here. How old are you? I'm 10 years older than you.

Perfect. That's awesome. Yeah, let's hang out for this. What you do? Right now I'm on Kill Tony. No, after, there's a bar at Mommadiris here, but... Get her out of here, bro. Who's that?

I'm serious. Amazing. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Unbelievable. She's the fucking best. She check out her website, Heidiorgina.com. Now, Redband, Heidi sat on the table if you want to smell it. I will.

Oh, he will be right after the show. after the show. Watch him walk out of here, ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, for those of you that get to linger during the end of the show, you- Dean Madness comes floating through the curtains, like a cartoon smelling a pie. Dee, no.

This guy hangs. This guy says he hangs, blinds, D-Madness. What do you think about that? Joe, very fun times. You did very good, very amazing interview. Everything went absolutely perfect. You're 19, I mean, you're 26, you started at 19. I don't think anything can stop you, dude.

Just keep fucking keep at it. There he goes. Joe Jacks. You saw him here first. Appreciate it. The fun train keeps moving along. That was really funny. Yeah.

That was really funny. He was great. Quick improviser. Heidi's great. He was great. Heidi, you're a dream. She really is. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody?

A beloved, beloved part of the Kill Tony. She always gets turned down by guys. It's so sad. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Aaron McPherson, everybody. Fiercen, everybody, Aaron. McPherson. It's your boy the pipe layer, the motherfucking throat slayer. It's the immaculate pimp, no drones, man.

And I'm here to fuck. But not just anybody in particular. I got a thing in particular for disgusting bitches. Yeah. The nasty of the better. Like a bitch, if you go to the gym, I don't want it. But if you could be on my 600-pound life, now that's my kind of bitch.

And you know why I do? They give you money, man, that's why. I'm also known as Deuce Bigelow, the American Negro Jigolo. I'll be charging $250 a pump. Got lifting big ass legs up and shit. I'm trying to get swole. But see, when you like these disgusting things, sometimes you forget to turn off your Bluetooth, you know.

And then you'd be, you know, doing your thing, 30 seconds into the video, you're like, fuck, ain't no sound. Then you hear a corridor slam. He liked... Oh, shit. Well, anyway, more of the story is... Fuck it. I'm Aaron McPherson. Thank you.

All right. Aaron McPherson. In and out. We had David Jolly. Now we have David Melancholy. Yeah. Here he is. With no hesitation,

when he came out, Red Band called him Fat Kanye. He whispered in my ear. He goes, oh, Fat Kanye. And he's... I've heard him in the best... It's pretty amazing, Red Band. Hoop-de-oops.

Welcome. Welcome to the show, Aaron. I have so many questions for you. Let's start here. How long you've been to stand-up? For about six years now. Okay, where at? Detroit, Jacksonville?

No. Atlanta? No, man, I'm from Kansas, man. Whoa. Yeah. Man, I was 5,000 guesses away from nailing that. What do you do? Why Kansas? That's where I was born. Shit.

I don't know. Where in Kansas? Winfield. And then I used to do it out of Wichita. I used to do it out of Wichita. So I started. Now, where are those places? Exactly.

One's got an airport, Wichita, the other one. I live 45 minutes south of that in the country. What are you doing the country? Shit. Hunting shit. I used to ride some pigs once upon a time. But now I live here, though, so hey.

Okay, so, Aaron, let's talk about your choice of women. You said that you would be into a 600-pound bitch, I do believe you said. Where do you find these women at? Where do you find these big bitches? Shit, it's your local country bar or something, you know? Okay. And have you been with some in Austin?

How long have you been here? For about four years now? In Austin. Yes. Okay. And you go to your local country bars and you find big white men. Hell no. Oh, no.

I just do it for the love of the money. For the love of the money. Yes. Like the OJs. Famous artists out of the state of Ohio that wrote the song for the love of money. It was the theme song of The Apprentice. Donald Trump bought the rights to it in order to save money because he thought the show was going to get picked up many times

and it did. Smart move. Anyway, Aaron McPherson, let's get back to it. So you do, like the last big woman you were with, where'd you find her at? Said on Facebook, Dayton. Oh, hell yeah. That is, a fun fact, that is the app for six. 600-pound bitches.

That and Facebook Marketplace, too. Yeah. Facebook Dayton. Yes. Is that Dayton, Ohio? Okay. So tell us, Aaron, what are some of your favorite things about hooking up with a bigger woman? Should, they pay me some money.

Shit, everything can be used. Oh, you're talking about, like, fucking a flap. or something? Shit, you never know, man. I don't know. The back of the knee or something? Shit, it happens. But they request these things.

They what? They request these things. Okay, like what? What are some requests that you've gotten? Fuck me in the back of my knee. Okay. All right. Do you lube it up? No, man, put some chicken grease in there, shit.

Aaron, you are a wild guy. What do you do for work? Should I valet? Oh my God. I'd love to hand you. my keys. Wow. Wow.

I grill some chicken and shit. You what? Be grilling some chicken and ribs and shit. You grilled chicken and ribs? Yeah, I was just selling something tonight, yeah. You were what? I was selling some. You're selling chicken and ribs?

Just chicken today, no ribs. Where are you selling this chicken out of exactly? Shit, at the back of the bar around the way. You're making chicken and selling it tonight out of the back of the back of the of a bar? Yeah, it's sold out already. You know, all the other comments ate it. You sold out of chicken tonight.

You made chicken out of the back of a barb- no, I didn't make it out the back. I brought it. I already grilled it. You grilled it at home. Yeah, and then I brought down. Did you come here to be on Kill Tony or to sell chicken outside of Kill Tony?

Both, niggish shit. I'm trying to get paid. I love it. I love the hustle. Barbecue chicken? What kind of chicken you got? Yeah, barbecue chicken. All day, every day. Yeah, I make the best motherfucking barbecue chicken

in all of us in Texas. Wow. Yeah. Fuck with me. This is incredible. You are a true walking stereotype. This is amazing. No, he said barbecue chicken.

Yeah, not fried. I think, the traditional raisins. I don't fuck with fried chicken. You don't fuck with fried chicken. Tell us about that. Why do you not fuck with fried chicken? Trying to watch my, try to watch my figure, man. So you're sticking with...

So you're sticking with grilled chicken. Yeah, grilled chicken. It's a little bit healthier. Wow. Sugar-eed barbecue sauce. Red Band actually looks at the details of everything. Yeah. And he knows that there's sugar in barbecue sauce.

He learned this because of his doctor's advice, I'm sure. Weight Watchers. There you go. All right. Aaron, this is an interesting interview. How many times have you ever been arrested? No. No.

Are you saying that just so you can maintain your chicken license? Shit, license. We're not going to tattle. License. What fuck is that? Can you walk us through a bit of, like, your chicken preparation process? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, where do you buy the chicken from originally?

Shit, H.E.B. Okay. We love H.E.B. We love H.E.B. Around here. All right. So you buy the, how much chicken do you buy it once? I just bought three packs tonight. Three packs.

Something slight cheap, yeah. And then what kind of barbecue sauce are you using? Famous Dave's. Famous Dave's barbecue sauce. You ever use Sweet Baby Rays? I have, but it's not good for the barbecue. No, I don't like it. It's not good.

It's good for dipping. Can you describe the difference for our black fan base? What the difference between famous Dave's and Sweet Baby Rays is exactly? Can you describe it? It's one little more bold or savory or sweet. Famous Dave's just, it just tastes better. Okay. Yeah, I don't know, yeah.

This is the worst plug ever. Yeah. Famous Dave, it's just better. It tastes better. They actually use, I don't know, it just, sweet baby rays for white people, man. And that's what you're up. Oh, Famous Dave's an actual restaurant.

All right. Okay. I always think Sweet Baby raised more of a rib type application there. We meet in the middle here? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we can meet the middle. We're not so different, you and I. The nation's healing right now.

Yes, it is. Yes. All right, Aaron. You are leaving here with a... I only have one of these. It's a black... The black medium joke book. There you go, pal.

There he goes. Aaron McPherson. The reviews of famous Dave's barbecue sauce are absolutely amazing. They are all five-star reviews. Isn't that incredible? Have you ever seen anything that has all five-star reviews?

Is there a single one-star review on Famous Dave's? There is? Let's see what that looks like. Wait, what? Why are you looking at your phone when your laptop's open? Oh, he's not logged into Amazon. They don't let you see one-star reviews. We're doing a little digging to find out what kind of human being

could possibly complain about a barbecue sauce. Oh, there's no one-star, but there is one-two-star. This is Russian bots for sure. Oh, wow. Look at that. All right. Hey, Tony, I love you, but I think that was probably the worst moment in the history of the show. Well, you'd be surprised.

We have had some amazing moments reading reviews of things in the past. But it turns out that people just hit 2 star and didn't leave a review at all. And I'm guessing Sweet Baby Ray got online and left that review. All right. You guys still having fun out there? All right, here we go. Your next bucket pole, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul M, everybody.

Paul M. I don't know why, like, women get all upset when you ask them to make them a sandwich. It's not that hard. It's not like we're asking ladies to smoke as a brisket. Takes time and patience, qualities of which no women possesses.

So, black people can't get lice, just so you know. Like, 97% of the cases are like white people, which makes sense if you think about it, because if I was a parasite, I wouldn't have to feed off an inferior blood either. I'd only want the best and the purest blood for my family.

My name is Paul Mendoza. I am from Napa, California. It's a very beautiful place filled with beautiful people. Very low crime. A lot of people know Napa is a wine country. Well, they don't know that it's an acronym. It stands for no African people allowed. But we do allow the Mexicans, you know,

graves aren't going to pick themselves. A lot of ooze and Oz, but you know what? I kind of liked it. Paul M., welcome to the show. Thank you. How long have you been to stand-up, my friend? One month. One month.

I've heard all those jokes before. Oh, I mean, I didn't. I don't know. Have you heard those jokes before? Yeah, for sure. The thing about it, I'm ticks. don't go on black people. I mean, I don't know who the fuck you've been hanging out, but I've never heard that before.

You know, the internet's a big place, and there's a lot of big ideas, you know? I mean, I'm sure, I'm not arguing with it. I'm just, I'm just surprised. You've heard that joke before right, Red Band? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. What are you guys, like, racistjokes.com?

I've never, yeah. We got to read it. I grew up in rural Colorado. I heard them all. Yeah. And I wrote a couple of the best ones. Paul. So, Napa, brisket,

sandwich, What's your writing process like, Paul? What made you want to start stand-up? I don't know. I just kind of like going on stage and make it nasty myself. Oh, yeah. You've been having fun doing it? Oh, yeah.

How old are you? I'm 40. What have you been doing? Jesus, wow. Fuck. Fuck. Okay. You look like one of the guys from Ed, Ed, Ed, and Eddie all grown up.

Racist hack. What have you been doing with your? doing with your life up until this point? I ran a dog kennel for like 20 years. A dog kennel? Yeah. Okay. What made you get into the dog kennel business?

Uh, I dropped out high school and just went to trade school to become a dog groomer and a trainer, and that's just what I did. All right, craziest thing about your life that we would find surprising, Paul M. Absolutely nothing. Perfect. There he goes. Paul M. There he goes. We're going to keep moving along here. We're going to keep moving along here. We're going to just fly through it. Thank you, Paul.

Hell yeah. You know, just keeps moving along. They are good jokes. I'm not arguing that. Hey, I mean, I don't know. I just haven't heard it. I don't know. We're going to keep moving along.

He's a month then, you know. Who knows? Maybe it'll get better. Just don't steal jokes. That's all I say. Yeah, obviously, definitely don't steal jokes. Right. You heard the Napa thing before?

Oh, yeah. Jesus. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe it. Here, I mean, if you guys weren't here, I would have given him a golden ticket. Yeah. All right, your next fucking bull goes by the name of Sammy Smith, everyone. Sammy Smith.

What's up, you filthy fucking animals? It's 2026, guys, okay? If you're making good financial decisions in 2026, Man, you a bitch, okay? All right, listen, let me tell y'all something. Money's digital, and life is perspective. If I pull my bank account up right now and I cover up that little hyphen,

man, I'm rich as fuck. I ain't shit you can tell me. Yeah, I'm broke. And I'm not broke because I go to the strip club. But I do go to the strip club even though I'm broke, you know? You know, when I go to the strip club, I go with a smooth $40, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's $20 to get in. So when I go to the strip club, I got $20. And a lap dance is about $40. So when I go to the strip club, I'm looking for a bargain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I walk in that bitch like I'm Indian. I'm looking for a very good deal. Yeah.

All right, Sammy Smith. Racism can be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not bad, not bad. Yeah, good work, man. Sammy, how old are you? I am 25. I'm about to be 26.

Okay, how long have you been to stand up? Two years. Two years, all of it here in Austin? No, I started in Columbia, South Carolina. Oh. And then it was the scene out there real small, so I was like, I was like, fuck yeah. I decided I was going through some things at the time.

I was broke as a bitch. I was landscaping. I was like, fuck it. I decided I was going to live in my car. I was driving a 2001 Ford Focus. It was a two-door. It was a tiny fucking car. I was like, I'm living in this shit.

I went to Orlando, Florida. I lived in my car out there for like a month and just like test it out. And then I came out here. And I was having a blast in Florida being homeless. But then when I came out here, I was like, yeah, this shit don't, you know, I hear the market is saturated. Yeah.

Too much competition. Very good. You are correct. Wow. So can you tell us the difference between, can you explain it to the people? Because they don't all know, what the difference between being homeless in Orlando

and homeless in Austin is like. Well, Orlando's right in the middle of Florida. So, like, and I'm living in my car, so I can go anywhere. I was living on the beach, man, going to Daytona, going to Tampa, you know. Orlando, it's fun. And, you know, people in Orlando,

they're having, people in Florida in general having so much fun. Everyone's kind of homeless out there, you know what I mean? In spirit. Everyone's spiritually homeless in Florida. Nobody goes to Florida to find themselves. You know? Her.

Yeah. And my sister lived out there, so it was convenient. Shout out, Sophie. Hey. Shout out. Her name is Sophie? My sister's name is Sophie. And my name is Sam.

Oh, right there. Whoa. This is incredible. Do you hate her too? No. Oh, no, I'll play. She's all. Wait, your sister or mine?

Well, I hate yours now. Come on. Hey, I fuck yours, you fuck mine, bro. Whoa. Look at this. That's a good deal. She does. You are her name. style. I'll say that.

Oh, right on, right on. You have, yeah, your skin is the right tone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you. She's happily married to a black guy, though, so. All right, man, we can change that. Oh, come on, Sammy. I'm gonna fuck your sister.

How about that? I'm gonna fuck you, Sammy. I'm sorry. Anytime, bro, can I get a spot, you know, can I open for you? I don't book anything. You don't book anything? You can open offstage.

Oh, shit. Okay. Now I'm there. Now I, uh. You're doing good. Sammy, you're a very naturally funny young man. Tell us more about your life. My life?

Man, I feel like I've lived multiple. I'm very young, but I've lived a lot of places. You know, I've had a lot of jobs. I didn't go to college because that's retarded. Correct. Yeah. What jobs have you done? What have you been doing?

Well, when I first moved to America when I was 16. From where? From England. What? Yeah. These people say anything nowadays to not get picked up. No, this isn't like, I lived a weird,

I had a weird childhood. How'd you end up being born in England? I wasn't born in England, I was born in Malaysia. Okay. So you went from Malaysia to England and then England to America? What was the, what was the path? Yeah, kinda.

So my earliest memories were in Atlanta, Georgia. I was like, yeah. I think I started like, I think I was like conscious at like four years old because I don't really remember anything before them, but I was in, you know, Atlanta. And then my family, we lost our green card, so we moved to Trinidad. Trinidad and Tobago. It was a good time, you know. Yeah.

Live there for like three years. Parents got divorced. I moved to England and my dad and my brother, my mom and my sister. They moved to South Carolina. When I was 16, I moved to South Carolina. And yeah, South Carolina sucks, man. I'm sorry. I got love hate relationship with South Carolina. What made you move at 16 to South Carolina? So I was living with a teacher because the boarding school I was going to closed down. Deporting school?

I was in, no, no. So I was in boarding school, and the boarding school closed down. But my dad wasn't in England. At the time, I was supposed to finish school out there. I live with a teacher. and then like... A guy or a girl? Who?

The teacher. Oh, a teacher. It was a woman. Okay. One of those teachers? No, no, no, no. She had a family and shit. Okay, she was just being nice.

Yeah, she, like, she worked at the boarding school, and she knew that I had to finish, like, secondary school out there, so she was like, you can finish her last year with us. Did you ever finish inside of her? No, no, no, no. It would have been nice. No, no, no, no. We were all wondering if he fucked the lady.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it wasn't porn. Yeah. So 16, you're in South Carolina. What was it like getting to, like, hang out with your mom for the first time? For the first time. I mean, it wasn't the first time. But it was nice, you know, but it's like, you know, I was away from her for, you know, a while. So it's like, you know, you grow up away from your parents.

You go back. They think you're still, like, the kid, but you're, like, traumatized now, you know? It's great natural answers. Yeah. So Sammy, there you are. And now you've moved here. How long have you been in us? One year.

I moved here March. The whole time you've been in your car? No, no, no, no. No, no. So I moved out here. Like I said, it was rough. So I was like, I'm gonna get an apartment, got a studio apartment. Rent out here is really cheap.

But then a week later, I got hit by a drunk driver, totaled my shit. And at the time, I had like $1,000 to my name, well, less than that because I just got the apartment. But I'll doordash was my only job at that time, so I was like, fuck. I was like, fuck. But, you know, I'm a hustler. Like I said, I've had so many fucking jobs. fucking jobs. First thing I did is like my back was real fucked up after the injury

but next morning I just went up, went to every single like business in the area just trying to find a job. None of them were interested. Yeah, because you came in all fucking, bleating. Yeah. I need work quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She beat my back in, man. The drunk driver have insurance? Like, did you get

paid for that? I did have insurance. That money did not last me long because I decided to live off of it. But I did get a nice paycheck like months later. So what do you do for work now? Now I work at the airport. What do you do at the airport? So I started off at the airport selling credit cards.

Where? The parking garage? No, you know that... You know, Delta got like the lounge and shit. They got the credit card, the reserve card. You mean the Delta Reserve Purple Card? Yes, that's right, sir. But, yeah, I don't work for them no more.

They fired me. Okay. So how about now? Where do you work now? At the airport. What do you do at the airport now? I work at a smoothie shop. Whoa, jamba juice.

No. Still slang and purple stuff. Oh, I like that. Right in their mouth. Yeah, man. A local one. Yeah. Okay.

And do you enjoy working at the smoothie shop? Yeah, I like working at the airport in general. Austin airport's, like, cool as fuck, because it's, like, all, like, local Austin businesses and stuff. Yeah. It's just got a lot of personality. You meet people from all over the world, you know? I feel like I fit in out there, you know.

Very glad to be working at the airport. Swing by the smoothie shop. Right on, bro. I'll get you. I'll get you a free smoothie, bro. I got you. Oh. He doesn't need a free smoothie. No, I do.

I need a free smoothie. I am struggling. I got a hit by a drunk driver recently. I don't have insurance. My back hurts. Don't tell them it was free. I don't want to get fired. I don't work at a smoothie shop, guys.

I was lying. Yeah, I just don't want to get fired again. Yeah, you're not going to get fired. It's all. Don't worry, man. I've been through some shit, man. I can tell, man. Your eyes are haunting and dark.

Are they really? Yeah. You're staring through me. You're staring through me into a place I forgot about. Still there. We can re-enite it. You're doing good, Sammy. Do you fly out of the airport?

Yeah. Yeah. What the, where the bus? What do you think I'd take a hot air balloon or something? Yeah. No, I didn't know if you were a private guy. No. No, I mean.

Anyways. I mean. All right, Sammy Smith, I think you're a really funny guy. Keep it going. Keep signing up. Keep doing it. Keep writing. You're doing everything right, buddy. Chase your damn dreams. Okay. This guy has been signified that he is on the inside, representing you, the audience, the rare inside bucket pool. So this should be interesting. Normally, this is half written, and they say, I didn't think I was going to get pulled. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Caleb. Andrews, everybody. Where's Caleb at? Is that Caleb? We have movement by Caleb Andrews. Is that Caleb? Yes, it is. All right. Here he goes. He looks like a serious man.

A lot of a track. He may have prepared for this. He may have prepared. He may have memorized a minute. The rare inside bucket pool. That means they're normally visiting. They don't live here. How about make some noise one more time for Caleb Andrews, everybody. I am a banker.

I'm from a small town in Mississippi, and I was raised by a single mother, so if you don't laugh at this set, I'm used to disappointment. Being a banker, you see a lot. Nothing's quite as humbling as denying somebody for a loan, and they pull off from the truck that's nicer than yours. Yeah. Yeah. Being from a small town, it's kind of funny in mind. industry, your credit score and your grandma's reputation are pretty much the same thing. Like, sir, you filed bankruptcy last year, but your nana made a mean apple pie, so let's see what we can do. Yeah. I'm also married. I got married last year. Thank you. Thank you. I went on a bachelor trip with my buddies. We went golfing because nothing says celebrating love, like hating yourself for four hours silently. But golfing prepared me for marriage because both

involved me spending a lot of money at something I'm not really good at. And then waking up the next morning and deciding to try again because I like the challenge. Thank you guys. That's my time. Smart, well-executed, Caleb Andrews. Surprisingly good inside bucket pole. Yeah, that's the best one I've ever seen. Yeah. It's very rare. Welcome, Caleb.

So, how long have you done stand-up before? First time. Right! Look at that! I love it, Caleb. And you decided you came here. Where are you visiting from? So I'm from Fulton, Mississippi. Okay.

It is, okay, yeah. Are those your friends for sure? Probably, probably. Yeah, came with you. Close to Tupelo, birthplace of Elvis. Actually, actually, just plug in weirdly, Uncle Laser came to Tupelo Thursday. So I got to see him Thursday and then come here Saturday. He does all the best markets.

Yeah, yeah, right. He's like a god in Tupelo. I'm sure. Absolutely. It's like the return of Elvis. Yeah, the hardcore legend returns. Amazing. Okay, so you're a banker in Fulton, Mississippi.

Correct, correct. So it is. It's a lot of people trying to get loans and whatnot. It actually is. We have like a $50 million portfolio in a very small town, less than 10,000 people, so. A lot of former plantations, right? Yeah, yeah.

That's a lot of, a lot of lice. A lot of lice. A lot of lies. Look at that, a callback from earlier. Oh. So, Caleb, that's where you're born and raised? I was, pretty much. I was born in a small town in Alabama, moved over to Fulton. You just drove the riding lawnmower over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Set up a whole new life for yourself. I want to be in Fulton full time. Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever done any kind of speaking publicly before? Not really, no. Yeah, you did a good job, really, really good. Appreciate it, appreciate it. I used to do theater, so, theater kid. I guess that helps. What'd you do in theater? That's funny. I was actually donkey and Shrek. Whoa.

Front or back? Can you do one of your lines from the hit? Waffles. Wow. Very good. You still got it. It's like I was there. What is the most white trash thing

you've ever seen in Fulton, Mississippi? Oh, God. Is there something that pops into your head? Is the dog a mayor? Close, close. No, honestly. You ever seen anybody, like, eat a sandwich while having chewing tobacco in their mouth at the same time?

Oh, absolutely. That's common. Anything you can think of from full. Man, the gas station people are pretty funny. That's pretty white trash. Like, we have a local shell station. People just go pull up and hang out, you know. Got it. Yeah.

How about ghetto? What's the most ghetto? thing you've seen in Fulton, Mississippi, because there's that, too. There's that aspect of things. The white people are extremely white, the black people are extremely black. Am I correct? Correct, correct. There's white ghettos, brother.

We have a local who has chrome fingernails. It's pretty ghetto. Oh, wow. Fingernails, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Drops a crown big. Wow.

Okay. So there's a real cool person in Fulton? Does he make... chicken at home and then sell it to people. Hang lines? He actually cuts hair. He's a barber. Oh, wow. Interesting.

Did he give you that one? No. Actually, a white guy cut my hair. That makes sense, yeah. It's like a white guy haircut. Caleb, any other crazy fun facts that we'd find interesting about your life before I get you out of here? So, fun story real quick. I'm married into a dog or dated into a dog.

my wife's dog previously. Yep. You know, dogs are like children, so he was our great child. And basically, he kept leaving the neighborhood. He would go to, like, this subdivision and eat Cheetos off these kids' faces. And so... Wait, what was that? He would eat Cheetos off their faces, like the kids' faces.

You know... The sub-thing, Tony. He wouldn't get it. Yeah. So he kept going to that same neighborhood, less than a mile from my father-in-law's house. and lost house. And so we're like, hey, we're just going to let him go. You know, just enjoy your time.

He's having a good time, whatever. Well, about a few months after he left, somebody picked him up and dropped him back off at our father-in-law's house and was like, hey, you're not taking care of your dog. Like, he can see his bones. He's covered in fleas. And we're like, well, this dog has been given to somebody,

like it's out of our care. And so we took him back in, kept him for a little bit longer. And then my mom was like, I really want the dog. Like, I know you all have another dog now. so we gave him to my mom. Well, my mom just happened to get involved with this guy and he burned her house down, stole the dog. And funny fact, at my bank...

We'll be the judge of that. We did a like a post your pet day at work, and so when I started working at the bank last year, we did that post, and this girl at the bank posted that dog. So she ended up with the dog, the same dog. Wow. So we now know the owners of the dog, and she's like, very, feels like, oh, it's your dog. It's like, no, it's your dog now.

Like, sure. Wow. That, you actually answered the most white trash thing I've had. There you go. Question from before while simultaneously asked, answering the fun fact question about your life. It was you. You were the white trash guy. Yeah, I'm the guy.

But this mysterious dog that is obviously the life of Forrest Gump. Yeah. For sure. With the million, I was eating Cheetos off kids' faces one day. Next thing you know the house is on fire. I'm just a simple dog and then I had a new owner and then... All right, so... Has your mom always been attracted to arsonists?

Yeah, that's where I was going next. Is the mom's house on fire? We kind of glazed over that pretty quickly. Yeah. Were they in an argument or something or? He was just on myth. Ah, Fulton, Mrs. I almost forgot.

Yeah. Actually, Idlewamba County is the county, and they're actually, like, back in the Civil War, that was, like, the big, like, mess spot, but when, during the Civil War. Even in the Civil War. What are you talking about? Yeah. The Civil War was in, like, 1861 to 1865, that one? Yeah. The War of Northern aggression, as you call it, right? Yeah.

The one were, yeah. I feel like the traditional crystal methamphetamine wasn't synthesized until much later than that. Possibly. That's just a... That's your claim to fame in your shithole town? Not mine. No. Oh, the county. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. Yeah. I'm sure whatever it was gave some pretty powerful effects.

Yeah. But, I mean, you've smoked cracks. Yeah. Spoked meth, too. Yeah, 1893. 1893 by Japanese chemist Nagai Nagayoshi. You're saying, know your history. 30 years removed. I'm sorry. That's right. Son of a bitch. We liked you so much, and then you lied about meth being. a big part of your upbringing. Right.

My mom's also attracted to Mexicans, so that was a big... Give them the joke book. Yeah. She liked the M's. She stayed in the category. We're doing some research. Yeah. Amazing. Being Coca-Cola, actually.

There you go. Red band mixing up three fun facts of one. Can I tell you a real quick story? I don't think so. Okay. So last year, so it's my wife's birthday to Okay, so last year, last year you're in Nashville. It was Saturday night, Matt Wright. Rich Stone Arena, tornado sirens, oh yeah, it was a little scary.

Winona Judd singing the National Land. A beautiful. Yeah. So my wife, big fan, she'd suck the chrome off the ball hitch to just be your dormant. Yeah, um, makes me feel great. Sorry, babe. Um. She here? So she is here. That's why I said sorry. Hey, you want to prove it, Toots? Hi, do you find this a doorkn off? Come on up here, birthday, girl. We're going to put this to the test. We're going to have her suck the what?

The chrome off a ball hitch. Like a truck ball hitch? Truck on a truck hitch. Like towing a truck. Amazing. Does anybody have a truck ball hitch by any chance? So last year, I surprised her with Kill Tony tickets. I didn't tell her we were going anywhere.

We picked her up. Like, her mom called work on a Friday and was like, hey, your cat got out. You gotta come home. What is this thing with your family losing animals? It was the only thing that we get her home from work. So she runs home. To me and her friend there, we have her backpack.

Like, hey, we're going out of town. She's like, okay, where are we going? I'm like, Nashville. She's like, you didn't have to kidnap me to go to Nashville. I'm like, okay, come on. So we get to Nashville. We're hanging out Saturday morning.

Obviously, the storms come. And I'm like, hey, let's go back to the room. We're going to get settled in. She's sitting in there. I'm getting ready. She's like, what are we getting ready for? And I throw her a shirt. It's a Kill Tony shirt.

And I'm like, hey, you're going to Kill Tony. And she starts fucking bawling. Oh, amazing. So. Let's bring her out. Here's the birthday girl. What's her name? Michaela.

Michaela. Everybody. Wow. Hi, Michaela. You're in it. You're in the eye of the store, Michaela. How does it feel up here? You're a diehard fan.

You would suck the chrome off of a tailpipe pitch or whatever. Can you get the red off that microphone? No. I know. What do you do for work? I work at the bank, too. Oh, my God. Look at this.

One in the bank, two in the stank. Shocker. The old... There you go. Two in the stank. Very good. You're the king, Tony. Two farts by red...

Now, that's why red band's. I don't know if you heard, but he did two fart sound effects. Because two were in the stank on this one. What exactly are you doing at the bank? I was doing what he's doing. I was a loan officer, but I'm now a portfolio manager. Oh, congratulations.

Look at you. Wow. I work there first, though. Okay. Let me ask you guys that's you guys ever at the bank and you guys end up in the safe together or something like that? Unfortunately, no. We work at different locations.

Oh. Because you kept fucking at work. Like, hey, honey, I got a roll of quarters. I want you to count. Oh, yeah. Sounds right. Amazing. Can you make change for this hard penis?

What's your routing number? All right, great. I'll give you that if you'll give me your account number. Whoa, look at this. There's some type of Ethiopian piracy going on. Michaela, before I let you go, what's a fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? You're a big fan of the show.

I mean, you must have something up your sleeve that's interesting. Oh, he already knows. I'm not saying that. Whoa. What is it? You have two vaginas or something? You have like a crazy vagina or something? What is it?

No. I was born early and my butthole was not fully developed. Whoa. Amazing. That's the show, folks. I mean, this is just a pure. of a kill-tony moment as you can have. This is what we live for.

It's finding the type of stuff we've never heard of before. We'll be right, boy. So your butthole wasn't fully developed, so what did they have to do? They had to cut a little one out or something? Yeah, basically, but this was in the 90s, so they actually sent me home, and my mom kept calling the hospital,

like, my baby hasn't pooped, and they're like, that's normal. And it was like two weeks later. What? They took me back and yeah, they just cut it. I mean, the mom didn't notice that... I was her first kid and she was 21. Wow.

She's young. How's it doing now, girl? It's great. Red band. That is disgusting. That is insulting to all women everywhere. You're out of control, Red Band. How is it doing now, girl?

It's great. I'm positive of it. Here's a big joke book for you, Michaela. and here's the big one for you. You guys got it all tonight. You did it. A huge victory. There you guys go.

Michaela and Caleb, newly married. It's their birthday. Make some noise for them, everybody. What a sweet, pure moment. That was great. Sometimes the show can be very wholesome. Can we get a picture of your wife's butt later?

Thank you. Yeah. Tag us in it. Tag us in that butthole pit. Not tag. You don't drag you in, Red Band. No. Yeah.

Man, I want to see that lady's butt, right, folks? Oh. What's up? Oh, we have to switch. The lights. How about a hand for the great Sam Talon, switching the mics for us? His new novel, Brute comes out September 22nd.

His stand-up dates are available to punchup live.com backslash Sam Talent. That's with two L's in Talent. Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin, a bunch of fun things happening. Remember, the roast of Kevin Hart, May 10th on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night is a force of nature, everybody.

He is absolutely awesome. We are watching him take off in a great, unbelievable way. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. Now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise, closing it out tonight. A new set from Dedrick Flynn, everybody. You know, women are going to tell you that other women, Women only want you if you have a girlfriend

because women won't something they can't have. And I'm here to tell y'all that's not what's happening. We just look better than single men because we're using your health care products in and out the shower. Like single dudes look and smell like what happens after years and kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator. And then the radiation from the refrigerator melts the ice cubes, makes a certain mold,

it makes a human body, and it's like, hey, ma'am, you should smile more. Because when I moved here to Texas, I only moved with like single dues, and my skin has been terrible. It has, because we only got the seven and one body wash, right? is shampoo, conditioner, body wash, Zen juice, four locals from 2009 with the caffeine

and then a DUI and a domestic battery charge. Because when you go to a girl's bathroom that's like somebody you want to keep, when you rip open that shower curtain, the products that they got, it looks like Gordon Ramsey's seasoning cabinet mixed with two southern black ladies. You can do whatever you.

They got all kinds of shampoos. They got all kinds of cans. Do you know they got a shampoo in condition? It's called purple shampoo. It's just for people with blonde hair or a nigger that got free time. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's all it is.

Every girl ever been with thought I was jacking off in the shower. No, nigga, I was trying everything you had in there. You know, I used to go to Taco Bell and you were suicide, the sodas? Like, you know what I'm saying? You would put every soda in there and see, that's me with every product you got. Nigga, I used to look glorious.

You know what body wash jail is? What is it? You don't know, you just try to fit in. This nigger's a liar. This nigger's a liar. They got a jail that just got glittering. And, nigger, I used to look like a cheerleader from bring it on.

I used to look like Gabriel Union. I used to put all kinds shit together and just make a smorgas board of a pretty... When they used to leave, I used to steal their bath bombs and put it in the bag. You know what the bath bomb is? What's the bath bomb? This nigga want to fit into.

All right, this thing has no idea what a bath bomb is. You take a grenade and you put it in the bathtub and it's got colors and glitter and essential oils. Nicky, that is fucking fun as fuck. I don't have. ever want to be single again.

Nick, I hate being dry. That's my time I love y'all. Deadrick, Clint, with a new three minutes, 20 seconds. I wait too hard. So much fun. New angles. That's something new. I love it.

Hey, I'm trying to do my best, man. You are. How are you doing, Dedrick? I'm doing too good. Yeah. I ain't going to lie. There is so much. I love touring.

Even when in a city, I don't know how to get there. Like, because you have to fly into a city. Now I'm doing the cities that you have to fly into and then get transit after that to get to. Yeah. Like I did Springfield, Massachusetts. Oh, shit. You see how those two people just said something?

That's everybody in Springfield, Massachusetts. That's all two of them, all right? We went to a casino, it was an MGM grand. I won $200 on the slot machine. Whoa, look at that. Did you- $600. That was my next question.

Did you quit while you were up? No. Amazing. What else? Springfield, was that the only stop this weekend? Yeah, that was, I did three shows in Springfield. Next week I'm doing Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm going right inside where the Mall of America is.

Oh, that's a long week, bro. I did 10,000. I love it. That's a long fucking week. No, they got, they got the amusement park. I've been there before, yeah. You're gonna be there for like four days. Sam, you've been everywhere, nigger, we know.

I'm just saying. You're a touring coming. I'm sure you get outside. Because I was in that mall for like five days when I did that gig and I did not go outside for most of it. And I was deranged, strange, and gray by the end. Yeah. Can I ask you a personal question?

Any time? What do I do outside of it? Avoid the ice rallies. I can tell you that. Somehow everybody gets killed in many. No, I'm too high to be in. What about Popeyes? Maybe checkers?

White Castle, who knows, you know? I've been high in many a Taco Bell in my day. Sorry. There's things to do in Minneapolis, right? It's up to me we would donate it to Canada. I think Canada deserves Minneapolis, Minnesota. A hundred percent. You can make a good trade, maybe take a little Toronto or...

Yeah, just a little tron. I'd even be willing to negotiate in Ottawa for Minneapolis. Yeah. They're like a fourth round draft pick. I know, but. What, is Edmonton off the board? I don't know if you've seen what Minneapolis has contributed the past 15 years or so, but... I love Vietnamese cuisine.

Ooh, wow. Is that where it comes from? Yeah. Vietnam's in Minnesota. Yeah, Vietnam's a little neighborhood in Minneapolis. Dedrick, anything else crazy going on? Man, I'm about to sell this cartoon to Adult Swim. Nice.

Adult Swim went out of bankrupt about three years ago, by the way. You said what? Adult Swim is bankrupt, by the way. It's not a thing anymore. I don't care where they get the money from, niggas. They told me they had the money. I don't give a fuck. Why the fuck?

Oh, they were bankrupt. And so was our Red Band. I was bankrupt before I got here. I don't care how to niggins. biggest get on. Maybe Adult Swim went on Kill Tony. I don't know. That's true.

We saved Adult Swim's life. Dendrick, we absolutely love you. You're the fucking man. Thank you so much. Way to put a ribbon on the episode. Shout out, Patrick O'Neill, the new Ragler on Kill Tony. Yeah, Pat O'Neill.

You've been ripping it. I'm so proud of you, dog. I love y'all. Thank y'all so much. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, and he is right. What a night. Pat O'Neill made history. by being elevated from a golden ticket winner to a regular.

It was a hell of an episode. How about one more time for the great Sam Talent, everybody? September 22nd, his novel comes up, but you can pre-order it right now. It's Brute, BRUT. Where can they pre-order that? Amazon, Barnes & Noble. It's coming out from Random House,

so you can get it anywhere, yeah. Perfect. Yeah. He's on Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, and a bunch of other places. Go to PunchUpLive.com slash Sam Talent with two L's. Remember the roast of Kevin Hart, May 10th on Netflix.

Se Television. Yeah. And the Kill Tony Mania episode is already out on Netflix because it came out April 20th. And we're going to Madison Square Garden again. So make sure you get tickets for that if you're anywhere near the New York

area. And a lot of other fun stuff coming and happening because the fun train never ends. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh my God, look at that. Sam Allen back. in the day. That's old Sam.

He was looking at a whole picture of you. Yeah, thanks for the worst painting of me ever, bro. I came so far and you're reminding me. Thank you. Keeps me humble, Chris. Thanks, bro. Old fat Sam Talon over there. That's what I looked like. I looked like Red Band.

How about one more time for the great Sam talent? Red Band. Thank you guys. Red Band. San Diego. Be there July 9th or 11th. Bring in some friends. Go to American ComedyCo.com.com. We're a great audience. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.