KILL TONY - #767 - LUIS J GOMEZ + ARI SHAFFIR + PEYTON RUDDY

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Ari Shaffir, Luis J Gomez, Peyton Ruddy, Ari Matti, Dedrick Flynn,William Montgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, JonDeas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe,Brian Redban - RECORDED– 04/20/2026 Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/killtony Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it FOR FREE at https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony Get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans! Use code killtony at checkout. Download Saily app or go to https://saily.com/killtony Head to https://superpower.com and use code TONY at checkout for $20 off your membership. Unlock your new health intelligence. 100+ biomarkers. Every year. Detect early signs of 1,000+ conditions. #superpowerpod Take control of your nicotine routine with Zippix. Get 10% off your first order with code KILLTONY at ⁠https://zippixtoothpicks.com⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony! It's glad! And make some noise for them. Huh? Castillo, Raou, Vallejo, Carlos Sosa. That's Tresaleches on the horns. You had Michael Gonzalez in the mix.

That's Nacho's Belgronde. Joining the band tonight, the banjo player from Mumford and Sons an unbelievable artist, Winston Marshall, ladies and gentlemen. Huge part of the Kill Tony family. We know him, we love him. The homie.

Big some voice for Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. John D's on the Keys. And believe it or not, that man's sitting right there. That's not Adam Ray. That's D-Madness, live in the flesh, everybody. The back phone. The eyes and ears of the band. What an episode we have for you.

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Also with the Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your your favorite music podcasts and audio books, all in the Amazon music app. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to say you have three guests tonight, the rare triple threat fucking guest lineup. Two of them are two of the most used guests in the show's history. One of them is first time brand spanking Neuon panel because I think he's one of the funniest people on earth coming up the ranks,

truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Your three guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Ari Shafir, Louis J. Gomez, and Peyton Ruddy. Oh my God, it's Ari Sheffir. Everybody, it rhymes. I legitimately need that hat back. It's all fun of gays.

I got that a bodega. It's a... Don't give it back, what are you doing? Keep it, he's a legend. Oh, come on. Oh my God. I understand you don't want to touch anything that has been on a Jew's head, but just throw it away.

He needs that hat so he can get through the tunnel quicker. It's aerodynamic. Ari Sheffir, ladies and gentlemen, is here. My big brother, everyone's big brother in this. The end is out now. He's back with a brand new storytelling series. It's available at ari Shamir.com. So many great comedians on it.

I'm on it. You're on it. Shane Gillis is on it. Nate Bargotsy, the list goes on and on. It's must-see TV available now at rheshafeer.com. The end. Louis J. Gomez is back, everybody. The master and grand leader of the Skankfest world.

Skankfest tickets are available at skankfest.com. Might be sold out by the time this gets out. If they're not, make sure you fucking get them. It is the comedy film. I'll be there. Red Band. I'll be there. Everyone's there.

It's a crazy big, dirty. sweaty, fun festival. And Peyton Reddy, everybody, it's his first time. Look how adorable this sweet boy is. Speaking of dirty and sweaty and fun. Hey, thanks for having me. Yeah, we're happy to have you. His tour, my best work is at PeytonReadyLive.com for tickets.

Go see them. This is the future right here. You're seeing him for the first time on Keltoni. Peyton Ready, everybody. Follow him on Instagram at Peyton Ready Comedy. That's R-U-D-D-Y. And we're gonna have so much fun. One more time, this episode is brought to you by Shopify Talk Space and ZipRecruiter.

You guys know how it works, over 200 innocent souls. Some of them not innocent at all. Some of them guilty of many crimes. Signed up for tonight's show. Anything can happen. It's funny to do a ZipRecruiter thing with a bunch of guys who haven't had jobs in years. That's true.

We're gonna find out all about it. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. If I pull their name out of the bucket, you know their time is up in the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. I'm gonna let this guy. that looks like if you put one of Donald Trump's sons

in a microwave pull the first name. There you go, sir. There you go. Very exciting. Send it along. We go wrangle that person. And while we wrangle the first comedian, we're gonna have one of our great regulars do a brand new set. Sometimes this guy does over a minute.

He never calls out sick. He never misses a set. You're watching one of the great comedians of the future grow in front of your very eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy that was once known as the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now known as the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from the great Dendrick Flynn, everybody.

Everybody in this country just want to be upset or the sadness or the madness, and I just want to be silly. And across your arms, niggas, silly up. You still on talking about, why are you, you just, you ain't come here to have a good time? You laughing through YouTube. What happened to the silly laughs that used to? We used to have goofy-ass laughs at comedy.

Nicks be like, ha, ha, ha. Y'all don't even do that no more. Do y'all remember silly Jews? Do y'all remember when Jews were the silliest people in America, Larry David, and Seinfeld and Sarah Silverman's fine ass? Y'all remember that? Just fucking Ari went into the wilderness for a year because he couldn't be silly anymore.

And we just need to just let that out. I don't know why. Because I just wanted to say that so I could do this silly joke real fast that I wrote down just to get y'all to my mind. Day and your eggs is a lot like reheating french fries. Alright, I'm do the next one. I'm... Sir, you ever been here with the Rocketship effect?

The Rocketship effect? You know what that is? That's when you see somebody who thinks attractive and they walk in towards you and you're like, oh, that's a 10, 9, 8, 7. All right, y'all, that's my time. I love y'all. He's done it again. One minute, 22 seconds from Dedrick Flynn. Very funny.

I love it. Hell yeah, Louis J. Gomez. Deadrick, always so funny. You're fucking hilarious, but you are dressed like a bumper sticker on a pickup truck in Texas. USA. Very Patriots. He just got here from Nigeria and was trying to pretend he's...

I love the Yankees. I hate your hat. Very pretty much. Welcome, Dedrick. You got a little rabbit's foot over there? Yeah, some lady at the... Because we went to WrestleMania after the show, she came up to me.

She's like, this is for you and then she didn't give anybody else one so I just wanted to just oh you got one too oh shit she didn't give it to us at the same time you was back there breaking down the drum set you didn't why you ain't wearing it why you got it in your pocket is this supposed to be in your pocket all right don't I mean wow I mean dude I'm a big guy but I've never clipped my dinner to my belt after I'm done eating good who I'm going to save some of this for me Hey, Peyton Ruddy has arrived.

I love it. Them buttons is fighting for their life, Peyton. You look like Mikey from recess, grown up, nigga. I would not do it. See, we're silly. We're friends. I know him. Yeah, well, your chain is too tight, buddy. That is too tight. What's going on over there?

You've been doing bad workouts? I do a lot of push-ups. You wouldn't know nothing about this. I do a lot of push-ups when I'm at home, because I want to feel like I'm back in jail so I can work harder. You do push-ups with your neck? Yeah.

I love it. Double up the chain? Is it like go around twice? No, it's two steps. So stop counting the gold. How many runs are there? How many specific carrots? How much would you give me for it

on your New York strip market? Mazzolito ass-looking what? It looks like the most expensive lynching ever. That's good. I like that a lot, then. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate you. Thank you so much.

You look like the top of a smore with your gram-cracker skin and that dumb-ass marshmallow hat on. Oh, you get cold from that? Are you bald? Is that why you wearing that? Yeah, there it is. Scared being bald.

Just let it go, bro. Dedrick, you got the show started yet again. Ladies and gentlemen, he used to do it every week. Not an easy job, but he did it again. The great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. And it has begun. To the bucket we go, everyone.

This is where shit gets crazy. We're going to meet people all together. A lot of it's going to be their first time. Maybe it's someone who's been on before. Maybe they bombed last time they were on, and they're here for redemption. Maybe they did good, and this time it didn't go so good. Maybe they did good twice in a row.

Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Make some noise. For your first bucket pool, it's Tom Frank, everyone. Here comes Tom Frank. Right, Tom Frank, no relation, but I'm gonna try and lock in right now, like that great woman. My name is, I'm a gypsy, yeah, that just means I have a hard time answering simple questions, like, where you're from, what are you doing here, and have you seen my dog?

Yeah, my family's from Czechoslovakia, yeah? Back then, wasn't a good time to be Jewish, so it turns out gypsy is just a Jew that lost their documents. Still sucked, but a lot of people like to remind me, hey, that's not a country. Like, thanks for reminding me, I don't have a home, right? Yeah, we should have been clever and named it something that would stick, like Israel. Then it would still be around in real today, right? But I'm a little suspicious, you know? I think, like, Greenland is an iceberg, Turkey, it's full of cats.

And then whenever the immigrants come to the border, Hungary is like, sorry, we're full. But it was easy growing up with immigrant parents, actually. They were clever, you know. They knew enough kids at school were calling me a fat retard. Why would they pay money for me to hear that from a professional? I used to be fat, but still stupid, so the school system is broken, but fat shaming works. All right, Tom Prang. How you doing, Tom?

It's a good day to be alive. Okay. All right. Is it, though? With you guys? Yeah. How long you been to stand-up comments? Longer than I should be.

You want to answer the question? Yeah, like six years on and off. Okay, six years. And why do you look like an old-timey explorer? It looks like you'd be standing at the front of a ship, ready to take over some African country or something like that. I just got back from a festival, you know? What was the festival?

Peak State. You know, Brent Pella? Nope. Oh, yeah? What's that festival? He made a movie. He made a movie at a festival about a festival. It's pretty cool.

Doesn't sound cool at all. How many people go to this festival? Like 500. Wow. It's pretty good. Is there music? What goes on at the festival? Yeah, all the fixings, you know?

Cosplay and dancing and, I don't know, camping, pretending homeless. Sounds like Skank Fest to me. Tom Frank, what do you do for a living? I'm a tour guide. Of what? What kind of tours are you giving? Go hiking. Do you give tours of the Bougainite set?

I go to the nature, yeah, go hiking in the parks. You give tours to nature? Of course, yeah, yeah. You get paid to give tours to nature. Drive people around, walk them up to the area. Where, exactly? The national parks. It's a beautiful country.

Peyton. Are you making all this up on the spot right now? What the fuck are you talking about right now? Yeah, you know I drive people around and... I told you I'm a gypsy, right? It's not so easy to answer it. What does that mean to you exactly? Hey, you're on the road.

We're all gypsies. Yeah, I guess so. Exactly. All right. Tom, what's the most interesting thing about you? You're on a podcast right now. You're barely answering questions, honestly. Yeah.

Just get to some meeting. potatoes here. You got anything about you that you might find interesting? I speak a few languages. Like what? Czech, Slovakian. Was that two languages? It counts, yeah. Why do you keep pronouncing it that way?

Slovakia. Because we were the original slaves. No, the Akea part. Slovakia. Not Slavician. Slavard. Yeah, you know, classic white guy taking credit for slavery. All right.

Okay. Tom, are you funnier in those languages? It's easier, you know, when they don't understand you, and you just got a funny face, right? Like in Brazil, they don't understand so much English, but they love it when a gringo dances. Okay, Tom. He's got the vibe of his last tour to the woods

was with Gabby Petito. Yeah. Yeah. And right before he killed her, he went, My wife. She's a dead. Tom Frank, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along.

There he goes. Tom Frank, everybody. Yeah. Make some voice for Winston Marshall. I love a good band. Make some noise to the lovely Heidi, everybody. This is her live in the Heidiorgina.com. A lot of fun stuff going on over there.

Isn't she the best? You got cigars. We got drinks. It's a party here. Make some noise for your next bucket pole, everybody. Looks like a new name to me. It's Chris. Thank you. You nailed my last name.

Jurassicmo. Sounds like I'm a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Unfortunately, I have a neck long enough to also be a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. How funny that joke is who depends on where you're sitting. This guy had the perfect view over here. Careful, this is a splash zone. But it's a Greek name.

My people invented both democracy and anal. You're welcome Tony. But it's a stereotype because in ancient Greece, the Spartans actually had gay sex to help the Army's team chemistry. That's pretty crazy, right? To think that fucking your boys makes you fight better? How did they find that out?

And how embarrassing was it? And they realized there's like no correlation between any other boys being better soldiers. That's what was gay. I don't know. All right. Chris Gerasimo, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. Welcome.

Good set. You got your cheap Tony is Gay joke in there. No, it was fine. Made Lewis laugh really hard. This giant fucking seven-year-old retard. For no reason whatsoever. It's a loophole in the show, according to you guys,

where you just go, hey, Tony loves anal and everybody laughs. So fun. How exciting. Instead of it being a real show about stand-up comedy, there's just a blatant loophole and you just let people get away with it. You loved it too. I saw your Adams apple

get three sizes bigger with you. You fucking freak. Welcome, Chris. How are you? What is Gerasimo? Is that Italian? What is that? It's Greek.

Greek? Yeah. All right. It was the whole minute. Yeah. Perfect. I mean, Tony, why don't you pay attention, yeah?

He'll be right. No, I don't. He was seething off that gay joke and he was like... Yes. Serious. I couldn't hear anything before or after. Tony, your neck looked like

you try to make a meme Love yourself in chat GBT. He's Chris, by the way. I'm Tony. Oh, yep. That'll hold the joke back for sure. Chris, it looks like you're always gulping. Chris, how long you've been on stand-up?

Three years now. Where at? I'm from Windsor, Canada. I live in Toronto now. Ooh, big up great there. How's Toronto treating you? It's fun. I got The Kill Tony boys.

You got Jared and Konsai. Yeah. Yep. Those are your homies. You do shows with them a lot? Yeah. You get a lot of Kansai's ramen?

Actually, my mom met Kansai because she stayed in my place and he bowed and my immigrant mom said, get up and laughed at him. I thought that was pretty racist, but... Chris, what do you do for a living? I work for a nonprofit that was career days in high schools. So I travel around running career days. Most of the Kiltone Open Micers work for a nonprofit. Yeah.

Yeah, I get bullied by high schoolers all the time. It's great. What do they say about you? There was this Asian chick that was really mean to me one time. I just said hi to her, and she said, you seem toxic as fuck. Wow. And I bet your ex is right about you. Damn.

Yeah. Amazing. Fuck that girl. Okay, Chris. So three years in stand-up, you're in Toronto. How often do you get to make it to America? Oh. I used to live in Windsor, so I used to go over to Detroit a lot, but not much anymore.

You guys are far and you hate us. What? Chris, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What are some things that you do? You collect Pokemon's or something? No. Okay.

Good answer. I don't know. I guess I used to fight. It's a kickbox a little bit. Oh, wow. Like professionally? No, I just hand me. What else?

Just kickbox? Is that your thing? Hang out with my girl, my mom, my roommate. Yeah. At the same time? No. What are you and your girl do together? Long walks on the beach, typical stuff.

The old Toronto beaches. Yeah. Are you making all this up on the spot right now? No, no, she's real. She's real. I promise, she's real. I've got two fucking serial killers in a row. Hang out with my mom. I'm born.

Is your mom a dead body in your attic? I change her outfit every day. Lewis, that's your mom. Oh, ah, ha. He got you. Ah, he got you. So what, are you like German or something? He's Greek, what you're paying attention?

All right. Chris, come on, give us something crazy about your life. There's got to be something. You ever have a near-death experience? No. He is going to after the show, you motherfucker, talking about my mom again. I'll kickbox your ass back to Canada, you piece of shit.

Me, no, I've never almost died. You ever saved anyone's life? I almost saved someone's life. Tell us about that. They died? Yeah. What happened? Well, it's going to get a little sad,

but my dad died like two years ago, like in front of me. How did your dad die? He had a heart attack. Wow. And I hopped in and did CPR. and no mouth to mouse. Like, don't worry. Yeah.

He's not Tom Brady or anything, but. Got it. But you did do mouth the mouth? No, no, no. Did you do chest compressions? Yeah. Did you do mouth to cock? How long did you do chest compressions for?

About five minutes. Wow. And then the paramedics arrived? Yeah. Canadian paramedics? Yeah, they were like real wacky. Yeah. Just chest compressions on his belly button or something.

Showed up a horseback. Yeah. Oh, he just needs some maple syrup. I'm sorry. We lost them. We lost them. I'm sorry. Oh, my goodness. How long ago was this? Two years next month. Damn.

Yeah. Did you get... This is because sounds insensitive. When you were doing the chest compression, was there a second whereas I just kind of... Just did that move thing where you thought you was... saved him but then realized no no no that was it sorry are you have to wear two scarfs good question great question do you have to wear two scarfs on those cold Canadian days I'm anti-scarf anti-turtle neck those two products have discriminated against my

neck size wow Peyton anything else for this guy I I see you, I bawling. I mean, I don't think so. I really, I like your vibe. Appreciate it. Yeah. I had nothing to say to you. Yeah, you have a good energy, Chris.

You're a good guy. I'm sorry that I didn't hear you say that you're Greek. Here's a big joke book. We'll keep it moving along. There you go. Chris, Gerasimo, everybody. Oh, this is an interesting name that got pulled out of the bucket. This guy is a very compelling character

in the history of Kilton. I think he's been on twice before. Very much accused of stealing the style of Mitch Headberg. But, you know, it's kind of a bizarre situation because, yes, that he's also kind of like that, but also not, but kind of is. But he is a really great joke writer. I will say that. So let's see what he does tonight.

Make some noise for the return of Keegan Carmichael, everybody. Hey, a guy's throwing my wife. wallet? He was like, ha ha, I have your wallet. I was like, ha ha, you have 8K of credit card debt. Start paying it back, you bum. Hey, you get cheese on a burrito, it's free. Koso, it's extra. So I'll take it in English. I can't afford a bilingual burrito. Just make it in a language that's cost effective. Hey, my sister is vegan.

On Thanksgiving, she eats alone. Hey, I saw a sign and said, in case of fire, you stares. Fuck that, let's use water. Geegan Carmichael. Looks like Mitch, sounds like Mitch, writes like Mitch, but I mean, Mitch ain't alive.

And here you are. Mitch is dead, and here you are. So if it's the ghost of Mitch, I'll fucking take it. People will complain about it, but God damn it, you're doing it. And that's crazy. But I think you should just go by the ghost of Mitch Hedberg. But I don't know.

What do I know? The whole thing's very compelling to me, because you are your own person and you do sound and look like that, right? So these are not Mitch Hedberg jokes? Not ones that he did. I don't believe, right? No. But it is in the style, and he looks like that.

And he sounds like that. It's very bizarre. I think I was here your first time. What, and I think last time you were like, I've never heard of Mitch Heidberg? No, I actually never said that, but then the internet just ran with it, so whatever. Yeah, that's exactly what Mitch Headberg would say.

I will tell you that my favorite part of that is when you do that caseo and cheese joke, Michael Gonzalez just goes, you did that caseo and cheese joke and Peyton almost came. It is an, an, anomaly. You find these, you find these, you find these great premises. I mean, the credit card debt, you know, whatever. That's kind of a, but you're warming up there. You're just starting. But other than that, everything after that, very funny, very interesting angles and premises. You have a real knack for it. How much time, out of my own genuine curiosity, do you think you have

of jokes like that all put together if you had to do the longest set possible? Oh, I've done an hour. Yeah. I have 1,500 jokes, but I had an epiphany two nights ago, so I got to rewrite them all. Yeah. Take us through this epiphany. Take us through it step by step.

What happened exactly? I was high. Yeah, we know that. There's no doubt about that. We knew that part, Kegan. Where were you? How does it happen? What did you think?

What was the epiphany? Oh, I can't give that away. I can't give that away. Come on. Yeah, you can. Come on. You're on this show. Come on.

I just... I watched the question. South Park and Jordan Peele. Okay. Can you... Can you elaborate? Yeah. Can you give us some more?

The ghost pivot. Okay. Can you keep going? Absolutely not. I have to gatekeep the ghost pivot. Okay. Let's check in with Peyton Row. I'd like to return to this free K-So idea you were talking about...

How is... How exactly does this work? You gotta tell them, they ask you if you want queso. You just say, I don't need the translation. Yeah, I will try that. It is interesting, right? They have an oven, they have the stovetop thing, they have the cheese, melted cheese is queso.

Casos extra cheeses, and the cheese even melts if you put it in the thing. What do you think about this? But how much is it if I add fromage? That's a lot more. I, Gigan, I think you're very funny, dude. I know the Mitch Hedberg thing. I can tell it kind of bothers you

that people compare you to Mitch Hedberg so much. So, yeah, I mean, I get it. Have you thought about maybe moving away from it and working on trying to differentiate yourself? Because you, I'm all bullshit aside, dude, your side was fucking brilliant. Like, really, really, really smart jokes. I'm just trying to shit shower and shave, dude.

Yeah. Somehow he missed all three today. I don't know. Peyton or Ruddy. I'm telling you, this is the future. As long as that heart holds up, he's going to be... You know what, Tony? You are gay.

I like it when you say it. You should call your new tour the 2026, and then we'll see tour. You're going to have a heart attack, and Chris is going to come out here and fail saving your life. Hey, guys, lay off. So, Kegan, I do find it so compelling. that I am going to get back into this line of questioning that I'd imagine you hate. But again, it's so interesting.

And people, you know, maybe I'm playing devil's advocate here. But have you thought because of what everyone will think every time they see you of maybe, let's just say, cutting your hair and changing your delivery or something like that? Have you thought about it? Can you take us through the process of being exactly like Mitch Hedberg? You said delivery and Peyton's about to come again. Yeah. Nobody with nice hair ever tells me to cut it.

Okay, sure, but seriously, seriously, Kegan, back to the question. I hear you, that's a good answer. But I'm not saying to cut it. I'm saying, have you thought about getting away from the Mitch Headberg thing? Oh, I just like to write jokes, man. I understand.

Try that joke, try one of those jokes in a, like, a different style. Yeah, throw the N-word in there. I can't do that translation. He's a funny guy. And you're right, Tony, I've seen interviews with you where you don't act as Mitchie, you act kind of more normal. So it's kind of weird to me that you don't understand that it would be way better for your career if you do that.

Why would I do something that makes people stop talking about me? Ooh, interesting. Wow. Okay, I like it. I like this. That's why I said, throw the N-word in there. Yeah. I'm trying to help you. Well, Kegan, I got to tell you, great jokes, man. You are your own kind of thing, even though you're exactly like something else.

But you are your own thing. It is something else. There's just no way to describe it. And if I just hate it on it all the time, that would just be annoying. It would be dismissive of the fact that you have great premises and great jokes and a whole thing going on for you. Kegan. You know what, I would like to have you on the Secret Show if you want.

Look at that. What a turnaround. Thank you. Yep, there you go. Thank you. There he goes. Keegan Carmichael. Dreams do come true.

All right, we're going to keep it moving along. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun? Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Adam Melleve, everyone. I'm born in 2001. It was a great year for me. Not so great for Lower Manhattan. All right.

Growing up in school, we had a kid whose birthday was on the actual 9-11, 2001. So every year we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day, and the class would get real quiet. And then the teacher would break in. Boys and girls on this day, we must remember that Francesco's mom brought cupcakes. Oh my gosh, are those chocolate frosted? Because this is a day I will never forget. We actually had a twin in the class too, Francesca.

the teacher would tell us, boys and girls, I just got word from the office that a second tray of cupcakes that's hit our classroom. A second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. It's really crazy because there was another 9-11 birthday in our school across the hall from us.

There was another 9-11 birthday. A third tray of cupcakes hit over there. Really crazy is that classroom... Hold on. Go ahead. Now I want to hear at the end of it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. That classroom was Pentagon shaped. And there was supposed to be a fourth tray, but that one fell in the hallway.

on the way to the class. Okay, there you go. Adam Aleve, everybody. An entire minute, 15 seconds about the greatest tragedy in American history, everybody. We thought it was Francesca's mom that brought in those cupcakes, but it wasn't. It was the Jews.

Yeah. The whole time, it was the Jews. You'd be surprised? On the original 9-11, that's how we also celebrated it. We had cupcakes ready. How did they have their cupcakes ready? Check in with Peyton ready down here.

No gelatin. There was no gelatin. Is it just me? Does this guy not look and sound exactly like Mitch Hedberg to you? Am I tweaking over here? He looks a little... I got heroin on the back, too, if you want. I love.

I admit, yeah. Adam Malave, why does it sound like you have the other guy's Adam's apple stuck in your throat? You have a little RFK Jr. to you. What's up with your delivery? I don't know. I've never felt too RFK-E, you know? Really? No one's ever brought this to your attention before?

Someone told me I sound a little like Mcloven, but I've never heard RFK before. Am I the only one hearing the fact that he sounds like? Yeah, you got it. Maybe a little raspy today. Sorry about that. You under the weather or something? No, no, no, not at all.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you clocked me as Jewish, so good job there. Are you Jewish? I am. I saw it right away. What did I say to you? Come on. He walked out and R.E. leaned over.

He goes, yeah, he's one of mine. Yeah. Yeah. I play for the team. Yeah. Proudly. All right. Okay, Adam.

Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Where at? From New York. Right. I took the train here, actually.

Okay. Very, very... It took three days, two nights to get here. I took Amtrak. You know, in Japan, they got high-speed rail. I feel like in America, we have the opposite. And I feel like they try to, like, make the train slower on purpose. You know, like, the conductors, they take smoke break.

that stations they like. You're turning more into RFK as we speak. Have you guys ever taken the Amtrak? I mean, what is with those things? I'm getting 420 boys. Smoke breaks are too long. I'm going to go to the snack cart. I'll be right back.

Adam, what do you do for a living? Right now, well, I used to do financial consulting, but... No way. You, a Jew, in New York, finances, Come on, no. On the train, no. No, no, I actually started the open mic website in New York called Comedic. I have stickers for you guys if you'd like. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, speak for yourself. I'm trying to build a career. Oh, Ari's gonna resell the stickers. Ari's going to resell the stickers later. Ari's going to resell the stickers later. Peyton thinks they're pox stickers. He made me, I'm see my pockets. I'll give you after.

You fucking tease. I'm sorry. Wait, what do I... I got something on it. Okay, relax. No one cares about your fucking gay stickers. Let's keep it on the... I got a kiwi.

Wow. It just blows up. They didn't check the hoodie pocket. That's the one pocket they didn't check it. Put it away. I'm the only fruit on this stage. Let's go. There you go.

I can do it to myself. You guys eat it up. You fucking homos. All right. Adam, tell us more about your life. Tell us something interesting about you that would surprise us. Yeah.

I mean, I do stand up all over New York. I have a weekly show in Brooklyn. I started the open mic website. Again, you already said that. That's so fucking annoying that you just keep saying that you keep, you just open mic. No one gives a fuck about an open mic website in New York. That's fair. Can you say anything other than an open mic website in New York?

Yeah. I'm about having my 69th body party. What? My 69th body party. What is that? To celebrate my 69th body. Can you explain that more? I can't believe I have to say.

with 69 men. I don't believe it. No, other way. No, but yeah, 69th body party. I'm very excited. Going to be at the Brooklyn Art House, May 23rd. You guys are all invited, come by. Are you for real?

Yeah. You're celebrating almost 70 people you've had sex with? Yeah, I'm at 70 now, but yeah. Okay. All right. And 15 of them are going to show up, so it's going to be nice. Okay. Wow.

So, Adam, tell us about that. Your tricks do, how do you trick these women? I mean, I'm very, like, enthusiastic, positive person, and I listen sometimes. I swallowed a diamond ring earlier. You think he can get it out for me? Are you, I'm just looking at your eyes. Are you part Asian or part newt?

No, no, no. Not at all. People say I look like a young Mark Zuckerberg or like a Gen Z. Elon Musk. But then, you know, other people think I just look like a bisexual asian. So, I don't know if that's... I think that's...

I think you look like Mitch Hedberg. I think... You got the Berg part, right? That's for sure. Yeah, yeah. Take that. Okay. Adam, Malave, from New York.

Have you ever seen, Adam, before? You're a big New York. I've never seen him, and I hope I never do again. It's the last time I will ever hear this name. No, you're a funny, dude. I can tell you got chops. You're a funny dude. I really can't believe that 70 women have...

You're only 24 years old. 24, yeah. First of all, I wouldn't let you... near my finances. You're a child. Second of all, I can't believe that in just 24 years, you've been able to bed 70 women. That's crazy.

I have a question. I have a financial question. Yeah. How much is a 70 pack of GHB cost? It took a second. I didn't realize what GHB was for a sec, but I don't know. It's what you put inside of the kiwi

that you keep inside of your pocket. That would be cute. Can I trade you a kiwi? for the joke book? No, I don't want your fucking Kiwi. Here's the joke book, though. There you go. There he goes. Adam Aleve, everyone. Thanks, dude. I'm going to keep it moving here.

Bye. There he goes. Adam Leave. There he goes. A little fist bump. From the fellow Jew, there it is. When they see each other out in the wild. About one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Clearing, saging the room of all those Jewy 9-11 jokes we just heard. All right, this looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for your next bucket pool.

It's Royal Oates. I don't know if you could tell about looking at me in the cleavage that I'm showing right now, but it's a lot of muscle up under here, right? And you know, the first thing they say about people when they got muscles, right, is they're on steroids. And I don't have a problem with steroids because steroids is cool, right? I have a problem with what they say about people on steroids, right? Like this one trick tried to come at me, and she was like,

I know you're a dick that scribbled up to this small because of all the steroids you use. And I had to correct her, right? I was like, first of all, bitch. It's not your dick, they say. It's your balls, right? And I've never had sex with a woman when she could, I never had sex with a woman

and she gets on the phone with a home girl the next day. And she's like, oh, hello? She's like, hello? She said, hey, bitch, what you doing? None, what you doing? Nothing did you fuck Royal? She said and did she said how was the dick? She said the dick was good, bud She said uh-uh, but what bitch? She said bitch. He had small balls, right? I'm talking about balls so small Who could have went to Vegas and shot dice with the motherfuckers, okay? Right? She said here I am being a

All right Was there more there Royal Oates? Let me finish it. I'll let you finish it all right. I'm sorry Royal Sorry, Royal Oaks. Your Honor, let me finish. Your Honor, please. Sorry, you giant black man. Finish the joke. Let me finish it.

She said, she said, here I am being a freaky bitch trying to get tea bag, and this nigga brought salt and pepper packages. That's the end. Okay, there you go. Royal Oaks. Hell yeah. Welcome,

welcome. Welcome. Appreciate it. I love it. First of all, congratulations. beating Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Second of all, welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for 10 years, man. Where at?

Atlanta or Florida. I'm from Tulsa. Oklahoma. Oh, wow, I would not. Yeah, I'm the only nigger there. Hell, I was gonna say. You see them now. Exactly what I was going to say.

Tell you what, Tony. Yes, I was gonna use those exact words. You go ahead, tell me, whatever you want. I want to tell another joke. You know what? I'm gonna let you do it. Spotlight. Give them the spot, Pino.

Give them the goddamn spotlight. Listen, white people. I love holidays, man. I really do. My favorite holiday would have to be, no doubt, St. Paddy's Day. You get to run around wearing green, pinching people on the ass, and saying Irish shit, like, Conno McGregor, Conno McGregor, you know. Lucky me charms, I don't know I'm fucking racist, right?

My second favorite holiday would have to be no doubt, Cinco du Mayo, right? That's when Mexicans get together, sell cocaine and kill each other. Trust me, I've seen four seasons of the narcos. I know exactly how this shit works. The problem I have with holidays is black people don't have any cool holidays, right? You know, when you think about black holidays, what do we have? Martin Luther King Day. And what is Martin Luther King Day?

A bunch of niggas running around the cold with sweaters on with Martin Luther King face on it. Y'all white people don't even show up for that shit. Right? And then our other holiday is Juneteen. Like, my man, if I was to ask you what June team, what would you say? Niggas, that's the day they free the slaves. All you know is the bank is closed, okay?

So I have a suggestion, right? I have a tattoo to suggest a holiday that I think that black people would love, okay? Right? Let me show y'all right now. O.J. Day, right? Oh shit. Could you imagine that shit? Niggas running around with knives

scurring white bitches half the death? I'm here, kill Tony. All right, you're here. You're here. I got a lot of notes. I don't think it's okay to pinch people on the ass on St. Patty's Day. I'm pretty sure you're committing...

I think that's the rule, ain't it? Where the Irish people are at? You piece them on the ass they don't have green on. That's the fucking rule. That's a thing. You don't do it in the ass, though. You just pinch them.

Can I have my wallet back? Royal Royal, please don't take anything out of the wallet, please. The nigga ain't got no money in there anyway. No, no, no. It's tied up. It's a fake robbery. It's in savings.

He's fully invested in Chipotle gift cards. All right, Royal, you just interrupt whatever you want. Perfect. Let me pick my jacket up. Yes. Okay. All right. Royal, if I gave you $200,

would you be willing to fuck my girlfriend in front of me? Yes. As long as I can open for you the next night. Oh, yeah, you can. You can have my number. the show to be honest. I'll open for you, Royal Oates. This is amazing.

So let's talk about the OJ tattoo. Yeah. Because that really stole the show. He's the knife, the bronco, I brought it all together. Oh, look at the galo. He really does have the glove, the bronco. I don't know if you're in on that. I don't know if that camera one can zoom

or what we can possibly do. But it might be truly the most diabolical tattoo I've ever seen in my 40, One years on planet Earth. Again, all we're looking at, all we're applauding is the tattoo. The body is just okay, but I'm sure you work hard at it. Trust me, I know, I stare at black muscular men all day.

You should come kiss, okay. When I'm not here, if you're wondering what I'm doing. You should come kiss O.J. Huh? Tony Kissed O.J.? Okay, Royal. This is not your first time kissing a black guy, right? Chill the fuck out.

I'm taken back over here. How long you've been doing stand-up? Ten years, yeah. What do you do for work exactly? I mostly try to post my dick on OnlyFans, hoping a bunch of gay dudes subscribe. Uh-huh. But how do you make money? I do Uber.

I do Uber. Okay. Yeah. Do you ever thought about combining those two things? Uber. You know something there. I like that. You say you do Uber fans?

But from the looks of you, it looks like you do Lyft. Yeah, I love the Lyft, man. Very good. I love the Lyft. Positive, positive joke. I won't be hanging. There you go. All right.

So you do Uber and Uber Eats? Do you do all the Ubers? Just Uber. I don't really careful. you have? What are you picking people up? And I got it. I got one of those electronic Ubers. I was going to guess you're a piggyback Uber driver. They're all different types.

Heavy sex. You order an Uber and they give you a piggyback ride. Okay dokey. You know what they say, Tony. If the joke doesn't hit, you must have quit. That's what they're right. If I had a wallet, I'll give it to you for that one. All right. Royal Oates, an incredible, you You took a real stab at it here tonight. What else would surprise us about your life, Royalo?

Everything about my life is crazy. What kind of women are you into? How big of white women are you into except? Size depends on a woman, you know? If we put a wig on Peyton right now, how hard... I can get a bad bitch. Uh-huh. I can still get a bad bitch.

I got a little left in me. Right. But what do you settle for is what I want to know? I don't know, man. depending on what time of night it is. That's right. You know? I like that.

Hell yeah. If I had one critique of your act, it's just like the premise of the, of the, that having small balls is bad. I didn't care for it. I think having small balls is some of the most powerful things you could have. Would you rather suck big ones?

No, but I'd rather have big ones. And. Areas huge balls. Big balls are gonna get away with big dick. Crazy balls. It sounds like extra work for a woman. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but enough talk about balls and dick up here.

How many times have you been pulled over in Tulsa, Oklahoma? Oh my god, 183 times. When they pull you over, do they go, I thought we got them all. Yeah, this tattoo... This tattoo is... It's you and... It's actually you handing the cups, your license and... ...and it's...

Does it really happen a lot? I'll kick your ass for that. No. Does it really happen a lot? Do you get pulled over a lot in Tulsa? Not as much as I used to when I was younger. Right. Yeah.

Have you been arrested before? Of course. For what? Well, at one point in my life, I was doing life without in prison. Whoa. Tell us more about this. So I got life out for a drug trafficking case, and the police end up being like a drug.

dirty cop so the shit end up going back to trial and they end up giving me a plea deal that I took and I was able to get out of prison again. Wow. Did you really commit the crime or? Yeah I was definitely something to you. Got me, they got me down. Like to see it, right now. Dude, life without, life without parole, that was some crazy, well, they offered me life and they was like either you take the life and do like 15 years or we take it to trial.

Like, you know, like if I'm going to waste 15 years, you know, like if I'm going to waste 15 years, I might as well just taking the trial and it worked out. It might be happy by taking the R.J. trial. He was like, I got this. They're gonna be on my side. Check in with R.E. Schiff. You know you're in the criminal justice when you shorten it to life without. Yeah.

Straight up, I was meant to be here. I was meant to be here, man. Amazing. So when you, how long were you in there when you got word that the prosecutor was dirty? I knew all the, not the prosecutor, it was a dirty. it was a 30 cop. Sure. Oh, that's what I... Sure. So I knew all the time they used

a 30 cop, but it was like three years before they actually took him the trial. Oh, amazing. Pait and Reddy. Why, men, great till they gotta be great. I had nothing on that one. Royal Oates. I mean, the set was just okay, but I love your interview.

You've been sitting out on some things. You want to do more? I'm just kidding. I'm not giving you more. I want you to know, like, I don't know if you ever see me. Like, I was viral on the internet for, I had a fight at a comedy show where I, a dude end up hitting a dude with a microphone. Oh, shit. Yeah, like, like, it was like really crazy, man.

Big fight. Wow. You hit a comic with a microphone? No, I hit a fan. I hit like a crowd guy. He came up to the stage. What exactly happened? You can look it up.

It's like, I believe it. We're not going to look it up right now. What can describe it? You have a microphone? You're a professional. I had a microphone and I'm telling jokes, right? And I hear a guy booing, right? So I look out on the stage like, okay, well, you're booing.

I can roast, right? So when I look at him, I'm like, oh, you look like Jaheim 2001 put that woman first outfit on, right? So I'm thinking he's gonna come back with another roast. He was like, nigger, you gay. And I was like- It sucks, doesn't it when that happens? And the crow-out fucking goes crazy.

It's a loophole in the system. And I'm sick. That happens to you too? It did. You know what? You and I should have dinner and talk about this. Get out of your Royal Oaks.

Great appearance, great interview. Great tattoo. We love his tattoo. It's a great tattoo. Very funny. All right. This is a fucking hoot-nanny of a show. I love it.

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BetMGEMGEMP operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. All right. One-word name your next bucket pool. Our first one-word name of the night. Always interesting, these one-word names. Make some noise for Surjan, everybody. Surgeon. So my name is Surgeon.

I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but my parents are brown immigrants. And my mom, she wanted me to be a doctor so bad. She named me surgeon. It's fucked up. I know so much pressure. Imagine being named after a job. But my name's kind of cool.

My siblings, they got it so much worse. My older brother, his name is engineer. Yeah, and he grew up to be an engineer because he's a suck up. But my little sister, she has the worst name. I feel so bad for her. They didn't really believe in her that much, so they named her abortion. Just to get real for a second,

I don't know if you guys are still doing your New Year's resolution, but as of today, I'm officially four months sober. Thank you. Thank you. It's been four months since I last said the N-word. Yeah, staying strong, staying strong. And for my last joke, I need you guys to play along with me. You know how this goes? Knock, knock.

My cat. Leo. I was hoping I was at a minute. but I didn't get it. Wow. I sped through it. I sped through it. Oh.

There you go. We were close though. What's up, Leo? That's okay. I think that was a Mitch Hedberg joke anyway. I think you did anything. I can't, Leo. He was in the current difference between, like, Royal Oates, who's like a real man and how much he came through the microphone.

And every other comic tonight is like, so I am I, tell you. Yeah. It's been four months since you said the N-word, but be honest, when Royal Oates just walked off, by you with his jacket completely unzipped. You definitely thought about it, am I right? After you walked away. Right. Yeah, exactly. You don't want him reading your mind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm staying sober, yeah. Sir John, how much time did you prepare your eyebrows for tonight? 25 years. Okay. Is that how old you are? Yes, sir. 25. How long you've been doing stand-up?

Two and a half years. Where at? Dallas. That's where you live. That's where I'm from. That's where you were born and raised. I was born in Nepal, but I came to America when I was six years.

Well, that set was napalling. Hell yeah. Damn. Sorry, I thought it was good. I thought something would like it. I'm sorry. I will say, dude, if that cat thing hit, it would have been a standing fucking ovation in here.

That would have been the most brilliant moment in Kiltony History, but it was eight seconds of us staring at you. How are you planning on timing that? Guessing what 60 full seconds is while you're talking? There's a lunatic move. There's no way you'd get that. I've done it many times. The many times at comedy clubs in Dallas,

there's 100 videos on my phone exactly a minute. I think I thought he's... And they have a cat sound at this comedy club? I do it. You've practiced that. 100 times. And after 96 times on your phone, you're like, I need more videos.

I have two terabyte storage, so like I can just keep recording, but yeah. Oh, wow. Bragger. I love how you were like, all right. I love how you're like, all right, how can I land this plane? A knock-knock joke. Yeah.

I, I, it's one of the most traditional forms of jokes and I love jokes and yeah back in 1932 maybe. Are you explaining to us a knock knock joke right now? Well, it's one of the oldest forms of jokes. Why do the chicken cross the road to get the fuck away from your set? Okay. It crossed the road to get to his cat. Leo. My cat would eat up that chicken.

Do you really have a cat named Leo? I do. So surgeon, what type of brown are you exactly? I'm from Nepal. So you are Nepalese? Nepaliese, exactly. Both parents are? Both parents, yeah.

What made them move to Dallas? So we got the diversity lottery. Shout out to my mom. The diversity lottery? Yeah. What? Wow. They were white until then? No.

So. It's like a power ball or something? I think it was Reagan or Carter. They had this policy where 50,000 people from around the world, Nepal was selected around that time. Talk slower and into the tip of the microphone. Sorry. The other thing, what is the... I need some water.

What is going on over there? You're on a show right now. Yes. Okay. So my mom won the lottery in 2006 when there was a civil war happening in Nepal. And then luckily, I was from a village, literally grew up, like, taking a shower the same river that my grandfather did. And... Taking a shower in the same river?

Like, as kids, we had like a little, like... Pump? Pump thingy, but we... You didn't just jump in? I mean, it was like for fun and stuff as a kid. Oh. Yes. Yeah?

There you go. Thank you, Ari. Yes. Welcome back. Very rare for a Jew to help a brown guy in any way. My favorite Jew. That's right. Sir John, go ahead.

See, we're showering in a river with a water pump. This is incredible. By the way, that's how Peyton gets sputter on his toast in the morning. All right, that sucked. Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? To get into your rotisserie? You're falling from behind. No, I was going to say.

You ruined my setup. Sir John, go ahead. So yeah, I was born in a village, like literally in Gita Naga village, and then I came to America when I was six years old. I brought a car and a plane within the first time within the same week, right? I came to America in Dallas, Texas. I lived in Irving, and now I live in Ulyss. I mean, my first job was Waterburger.

I feel like I'm a Texan, even though I'm an immigrant, right? I feel like America is land of immigrants, and I feel like I'm very Texan. even though I was bored. This audience hates this. They're like, fuck you, dude. Am I, am I? Are I? We're building momentum.

We're building, Lewis refuses to let anything build. He's from the Legion of Skanks where they interrupt each other every five seconds for no fucking reason. Can I take my jacket off? Doesn't make any sense. Can I take my jacket off?

You want to take your jacket? What are you gonna sweat? What do you sweat? I don't sweat. Tell me you have an OJ tattoo for the love of God. No, no, no, no, I- This guy's got a 9-11 tattoo, 100%. Okay, go ahead.

Whatever you're doing, go ahead. the arms are less hairy than anybody would have expected. My chin. I had the hair on my chest. Oh, there it is. Yeah. Jesus. Fucking Christ. Wait, now that you got the jacket off,

you're feeling yourself a bit, do the knock knock joke again. Could I? Can I just come back out? We cut this? I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. All right, sir John. So you said your first job was What a Burger. What exactly is your job now? I work as a solutions architect for an IT.

company, so I just help customers find problems to technical, like find solutions to technical problems. Yes. Ari Sheffir. That's such a build-up from Waterberger to that. I mean, I've had a lot of jobs. Like, I always work. I grew up, like, you know, wanting money, so I always worked. And I started my way up and, you know, I'm, I mean, hopefully one day I can be a worker, I can work here. Where exactly? Like, right here. You want to fix the Neons or something? What are you pointing out? I can find a solution for that too if you need, but I want to be on this stage.

I've never done comedy in front of this many people. It's amazing. Good for you, dude. Shout to often. On 420. I came today. I signed up since my 15th time signing up. I signed up once a month, every month last year.

And I kind of like stopped coming this year, but it was 420 on a Monday. I was like, my driver license has a 420 on it. I got to come. What has a 420 on it? My driver license starts with 420 and ends with 69. So I think I'm born to be a comedian. I swear to God, I'll bring it out.

I swear to all my Hindu gods, I'll bring it out. Yeah. I like your style, man. You're so genuine, and you're kind of like a sweet boy. It's incredible. Right? It's like, you know, I'm just happy to have the opportunity. I started at a waterburger, worked my way up.

I took a car and a train or whatever to get here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's kind of like you, Tony, if he's brown but had no confidence. Yeah. Amazing. Sir John, what's your love life like? Do your parents only allow you to date Nepalese girls? They did.

Who have you been promised to? They thought they wanted that. And then, I mean, I started dating this girl in high school. My girlfriend, high school sweetheart, we've been dating for eight years. Wow. So we've been still together, and my parents love her. More than me, probably. It's a white girl?

No, she's Indian. So, like, I just went south the border. I was, like, close enough. That's as close as it'll get up in Dallas. Yeah, I mean, Nepali girls are probably all my cousins anyways. I was like, let me get a little bit less incest going, you know? Yeah. I want to know what that sex smells like.

It smells great. Nepalese and Indian sex. Oh, my God, I can't even imagine. If you want to join us, like, yeah. Now, what are your... Good job, Red Band. Very good. That was good.

That is correct. What do your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy? Um, they were iffy about it and they were like, I mean, like, you have like, good job. Why are you going out Wednesday at 10 a.m. 10 p.m. to go to do an open mic. But, um, I mean, they support it. They think it's like a, they don't really understand what it is. And they don't understand like what I really want. Like, like this dream that I have. But one day they'll understand. And I'll show them. But in the beginning, it was rough. And now you're...

Even still today, my mom's like, why are you driving through? I live in Dallas. I drove here. So why are you driving in the rain? But I mean, now she's gonna see in three weeks, I'm gonna be on Kill Tony. She's gonna see her so deep into it. So deep is also the name of your brother. My brother's name is Nurgian. And he's actually, my brother's name is Nurgian.

I'm surgeon. He's Lurgeon and your surgeon? Nurgent. What is your mom, Dr. Seuss? He actually is a doctor. Yeah, it's one fish, two fish, brown fish, brown fish, you know. I love fish.

Yeah. Ah. Sir John, keep doing the work, man. Work hard. Dallas has a lot of places you can get up, go to all the clubs, keep working. Do it. Chase your dreams, buddy.

Yep, there you go. Thank you, Austin. Happy 420. Have a great show. He's such a positive guy. Yeah, he really is. Good job, buddy. Especially for one of the brown people, you know what I mean?

It's like the nicest terrorist we've ever had on the show. the show. Speaking of immigrants that are living their dreams, this guy won a golden ticket a couple months ago. He is very funny. And we're going to see him right now. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return, the third ever appearance, I do believe, of Orhoun Tamor, everybody.

This comedy bit is going to lose his potency after a black guy, but I love fat girls so much. I fucking love them. And you guys are looking at me like, is it the blowjubs? No. It's the love. I'm 33 years old. I am fine being the pretty girl in the relationship at this point.

Like, I... Nothing... Well, actually, I've dated someone who's boyfriend before me killed himself. That's the best. Okay. I'm not saying, go find a girl and depress her boyfriend. I'm saying if you did, it would be worth.

the time. It's fine. Because, dude, every time you're sad, you get a blow job. So you don't kill yourself. And it's like not normal blow job. Like normal blow job, you finish and then it ends. This one, like, if you come, you're like, I'm done. She's like, I'm not. She does it till sadness comes out effervescently. And that works with blowjaws, by the way. Blowjaws, come comes out, then sadness, then blood if you keep going. So you've got to stop, you got to stop between sadness and blood. But after a while it's dangerous because it's like every time you're horny,

you get sad. Like, Paolo's dick over there. Okay, you guys don't read. You don't know who Paolo is, but... Good, good. I should have ended right before. Orhoun tomorrow. Good sad. Welcome, Orhoun.

Good to be back. Good to have you here. And you are originally from Turkey, correct? Yes. Ari Shafir, what's your analysis of Turkey? I think that's the... The life story of Turkey, if they had to do a movie about Turkey, it should be called between sadness and blood.

Oh, sadness and blood are not separate. They're together. How did I know you were going to knock that out of the park? That is incredible. Orhoun, welcome back. What's been going on in life? Oh, you know, heartbreaks, good sets. You know, my car got vandalized in life.

Houston. Tell us about that. I rented a car and I got the cheapest insurance because I was trying to save $17.84 and somebody vandalized my car because and I told Houston comics they were like yeah, welcome to Houston bitch. That does happen in Houston a lot. Did this man happen to have an O.J. Simpson tattoo on his stomach? I'm from Turkey so O.J. Simpson is not evil there. When you tell a woman in Turkey, hey, O.J. Simpson, they said, yeah, well, why was she cheating? It's not as potent, but

I appreciate your effort. What type of vandalizing did they do to your car? They I think took a big stick with a pointy end to the hood. And, yeah. And they scratched it. Like, they made it

because I was going to go to a Mexican guy to get it fixed, but it was unmixed. Like it was too much. It's funny because in Los Angeles, and I know you won't do this, but in Los Angeles, if you've got a debt in your car, you go to an Armenian guy, and I know... Oh, I'll go to an Armenian guy.

Did the guy say, I Mexicant fix this? No, it's... He just... He said stuff that was... I don't even know. Just Spanish shit. Amazing. Amazing. So he couldn't fix it, but you just... Yeah, yeah. He was also a comic. You can't with these people.

For sure. Those people. Yeah. Comics, that is. Let's get back to this insurance that didn't cover it. Our senior insurance correspondent, Ari Sheffier. Yeah. So you got insurance, but it covered everything but vandalism? No, no, no. It actually didn't cover anything. So basically the deductible was $3,000. Why are you making me talk about insurance? This is about, okay, you're laughing, right, cool, I'll do it. So there's a $3,000 deductible. If I paid $7,000, $7,000.

and eighty four cents more it would have been 500 deductible yeah are you happy you asked is this a comedy corridor you're glad you walked into a motherfucker that's what i'm talking about some there's a timor we know there you go how was your set though did you have a good set oh i had great sets i i'm the only person who did like 16 shows in seven days and lost money You know? How much did this end up costing you in there? $1,000 and $40. Oh, no, $1,040 and like 60 cents.

Right. The sense... By the way, future reference, sense don't really matter here. It matters to me. And to Ari, by the way, it does. Yeah. That's right up. That's why people survive thousands of years.

Those cents, we make it count. Amazing. Orhoun. So fun. So fun. What else is going on? Anything else crazy we should know about? Honestly, I used to have a life before this. Now, it's only comedy, which... Fuck life. I don't even fuck about life, you know. This is what you want. I'll play volleyball after I'm dead, you know?

I want to do comedy, and it's been great. Absolutely. You're doing a good job, Orhoon. I'm proud of you. You're living the dream. Thank you. I love validation, so... You love what? I love validation. I love validation, absolutely. That's Sir John's other brother. I'm not being ironic, by the way, and every now and then I need to be patted.

Yeah, you got it. You're doing good, but you look good, you're killing it. Everything's good. Orhoun to Moore, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Good stuff, Orhoun. We'll be back soon. He's the defending golden ticket winner, so there he goes.

What do you get with the golden ticket? Explaining, I don't know exactly. With the golden ticket, you get to leave. What? Anytime you want? Well, it's kind of any time you want. It used to be. But now there's so many that you kind of leave a veils.

And I look at things. every week and see how many regulars we have and how many spots there are and usually can only squeeze one in based on like a rotation kind of of when the last one was. It's a good question that most people don't know about. So they're playing you off for your discussion about what they saying wrap it up with music? Yeah, it is crazy. That's crazy. That's a crazy thing. I know. Legitific question. They love hitting the drum very hard. He has no sense of how hard he's hitting the drums over there. Yeah, it's these wacky earpieces

so they can all communicate with each other. Can't hear us. They can be like, does anyone have a blunt, huh? Be minor means pass it down. Yeah. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pole. There you go, Michael. You get to pound the drums, everybody.

Goes by the name of Stephanie Ann, everyone. Stephanie Ann. out of a 22-year lesbian relationship? Not with a female, with a man who is a real bitch. Let's talk about it. Now men say things to me like, whose pussy is this? I'm like, I think it's mine.

I mean, if this pussy at 45, I don't own it, it better be a land contract or rent-to-own situation. Otherwise, please, everyone give me a dollar tonight to pay off this a firm loan, okay? I've just lost a ton of money. I've just lost a ton of weight with gastric sleeve surgery. For those of you who don't know what gastric sleeve is, it's where they surgically alter your stomach

to only hold four ounces of food. But like, don't worry, boys, I can still fit eight inches down my throat, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if you all got that, but, you know, we got a ruler in the car down the road somewhere. I don't know, Austin. I'm from Detroit. All right.

Anyway, I'm done, I think. All right, cool. 59 seconds. She had the timing that Sir John wishes he had. I held it. Amazing. I put the mic over here. All right.

Welcome. Welcome, Stephanie Ann. This is your first time on the show? Yes, my first time in Austin. I love it. Welcome. When did you get into town? On Saturday morning.

Nice. What have you done since you got here? It did a show with a couple of my friends that are comics here and got really high because, you know, 420. Where'd you come from? Detroit. Nice. How long you've been to Instant? I've been doing stand-up since the pandemic.

I started doing like TikTok videos and then I started doing actual stand-up comedy right after everything opened up. When did you lose all the weight? It's been a 13-year journey. I've lost 350 pounds. Whoa! That is, for those of you who are wondering,

that is a Peyton Ruddy worth of weight. Yes, yes, yes. Well, guess what? You lost it? Red Band found it. Yeah. Yeah, I also, I also, lost the last 50 pounds with the help of Wagovi. Whoa, shout out.

Yeah, I call her by her name because that bitch has been inside me for months. Hey, can I just tell you that should not be the last 50? It should not. No. I'm working hard, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm wrong. I'm going to go on the Arish Pierre diet. Crack, okay? Oh. Hed you. Crack, had you. It's one chant per episode. I just want to return to this real quick.

I'm like 160. I just want to... I felt like that kind of got we skimmed over that real quick. Bro, I have been crossing my legs this whole fucking show. That's because you're an old Jew, man. I love it. Stephanie, you said you're 45 years old? I'm 45 years old.

I feel so bad. Women age like shit. Ari Jafir is 78 years old. Stephanie, let's talk about that. Was that true? You were in a 22-year-long relationship? Yes, I was married to, I'm actually still currently married, but we're separated, but I was married to my husband for 22 years.

Black guy, right? Okay. When did the relationship end? It ended when I started comedy, apparently. During the pandemic? During, just slightly after the pandemic, yeah. Right. So what way were you during the pandemic?

pandemic. What weight was I during? About 250. About 250. Yeah, I had lost the first amount of weight beforehand and then had my two kids. I have two boys. How old are they? My oldest is 12 going through puberty right now. I just fucking had to take a vacation. And my youngest is 10 and he is level three autistic. Okay, level three. So if you need a 10 mother. Isn't it interesting that he and the one that's 10 ended up being autistic? Yeah, that's one. why we cut that shit off right after that. No more babies after that. But I mean, you're also using a bunch of medicine

to lose weight during that at time? Oh, no, no, no. I've only been on GLP for the last year. Just old shit. Yeah. Right, just old. Yeah. Perfect. Are you counting your son's weight in the weight that you lost?

All right. My son, my son is pretty big for his size, yes. He's about 300. You lost a bunch of weight and then your husband then dumped you? My husband then dumped me because I couldn't run away from a mini Lamar. Yeah, yeah, he did. I used GLPs too.

No, I dumped him, basically. You do? What kind of GLPs do you use? I use a ginormously large pants. 160. One hundred. Amazing. So, Stephanie, tell us more about your life. I find you so intriguing.

You're taking these jokes, you're laughing. I love it. You're like a real comedian. This is great. Tell us more about your life. I'm an insurance claims adjuster for like a union insurance. Can you help a guy that rented a car in Houston, Texas? You know, I probably can't because I chose not to rent a car just for that fucking reason. I was like, no, thank you.

Nothing but trouble. So how did you get, you flew obviously from Detroit? Yep, I flew from Detroit. What airline? To your, I'm Delta, of course. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm a white woman. Come on.

I'm not fucking around. That makes sense. We had to actually fly Southwest this weekend to Las Vegas. It's the only airline that flies directly from Vegas to Austin and Beck. So Red Band and I, if you're wondering, even though I got choke slammed by The Undertaker last night, my back mostly hurts because of flying Southwest this weekend. It's absolutely incredible. Not kidding, by the way.

Stephanie. So you flew Delta, you landed here, you had fun with your... How many comedians did you come here with? I just came by myself. I had a little meeting thing I had to do and then came here. So I just spent the whole weekend here. Very cool. Meeting for work?

Yeah. Got it. You work at Alcoholics Anonymous? Yeah. No, totally. Totally. Amazing. So since you have been broken up with your husband, you've been out dating?

Are you on the sites? What's going on with that? I've, like, dated a couple guys, but, like, honestly, I'm so busy with my kid. I'm kind of like, and you know what? People are, like, train wreck, you know? So guys don't want to date you. They just want to fuck you. How's that going?

Um, you know, uh... They don't want to fuck you. They will. You speak for yourself. Why don't you... I don't know. I don't know, bro. There was this homeless man outside, and he was trying to get it.

His name is Royal Oates. Oh. Okay. Um... I mean, this guy seems to like me. I think he's blind, though. Dude, she's like 120. He's like 120 and spelt.

Yeah, totally. He'll feel it. You can't trick D. Magnus, by the way. This guy reads that and look at him laughing. Like, tell him, Tony, motherfucker. Tell this Jew I ain't stupid. She's a Persian princess. He will wrap his hands around that and be like,

what the fuck is this shit? 120. I'm a Hungarian gypsy, not a Persian princess. Oh, my goodness. You were a hungry Hungarian? Yes, yes. Hungry, hungry. Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi, Stephanie, you're great.

What's the longest set you've ever done? I did do a 40-minute set once. It was a train wreck, okay? Yeah, I was not ready, but I usually do about 10, 15-minute sets here and there in Detroit. How long are you in town for it? Just until tomorrow, actually, I stayed for this. There you go. Yeah.

Got lucky. Yep, did, totally. Got lucky. Well, Stephanie, very fun. I love your style. I love your energy. Congratulations. All right.

You did it. Stephanie Ann, everybody. We're having fun tonight. I like this episode. E! I love a banjo. America with us. Please win.

I noticed he didn't banjo when the black guy was up here. What's that? He didn't banjo when the black guy was up here. It's unbelievable. The banjo. How about another hand for Winston Marshall, everybody? Make sure you follow him on social media. Great musician.

It's got great takes on the world and stuff, too. A lot of common sense for a musician and for a person. Can I say how? Especially for a musician. I don't know if I could break in there, but I saw him play with Big J. Ogreson. Yeah. At Bonarro, like, I don't know, 10 years ago, 10 years ago, you guys fucking destroyed. Yeah.

We all went, we're like, I don't know, let's check it out. And then we were converted in eight minutes. Yeah. Amazing. When the weather cools down, Golden Nugget Online Casino, turns up the heat. This winner, make any moment golden and play thousands of games like her new slot Wolf It Up and all the fan favorite Huff and Puff games. Whether you're curled up on the couch or taking five between snow shovels, play winner's hottest collection of slots, from brand

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I recently met a girl with herpes and well, I think I'm in love. I mean, what are the odds the first woman I talked to in months has aftermarket parts? It was kind of a surreal moment for me, you know, talking to a woman. But I really think she could be the one. I mean, think about if I'm ever losing an argument, I can just pull the herpes card. Oh, sorry we couldn't afford groceries this month, honey. Maybe if you didn't ruin my life by getting pregnant. Oh, and you have herpes, bitch.

But you know, I'm really considering getting herpes. Think about it. There's so many beautiful women out there with herpes that no one wants to have sex with. Well, almost no one. Sorry, Red Band. They didn't want to not include you. And I was like, wow, this is what black men

must have felt like when they discovered fat white women. You got a whole category for yourself. Thank you. That was my time. Wow. That was crazy. Grab that microphone. What hell's going on, Adam?

A lot of things, man. A lot of things. How do you handle this herpes girlfriend? Not a girlfriend, man. She's struggling with it, huh? I got blocked. You got blocked? You got blocked?

Yeah, I got blocked. What happened? How did you get blocked? How was that chick with herpes like, fuck this idiot? I don't know, man. She started talking to another guy at the bar. I was like, you know what? He can get it, not me.

Yeah. And so I just passed it on. Whoa, that sounded bad. That sounded bad. I don't actually have herpes is just part of the joke. Whatever. Sure. Sure.

I swear. So, Adam, how long have been on stand-up? This is like my first real time. What does that mean exactly to you? First real time. What does that mean? Well, I went to one open mic. Okay. Sorry. Now the question will be answered on the podcast. I listen to your podcast, man. Not cool. Do you rule? Okay.

So I went to one open mic in Fort Worth and it was like I could walk butt naked and no one would have seen me. You know, there's no one there. And then so that was a few weeks ago. and I decided to come down to kill Tony because I had a Monday off of work. Peyton. Can I give you some pointers? Yes, sir. If you're trying to close drug,

knock knock jokes are... It's the best way you can end. It's one of the most classic styles of comedy. Yeah. So, Adam, here you are, struggling through a set on the biggest show in the industry. Do you regret the decision?

Are you looking forward? Is this something you want to do like for the rest of your life? How old are you? 23. Okay, so now answer the question from before. No, I don't regret it at all, you know. I think failing will make me better.

There you go. I like that. I love stand-up, but long-term, I want to be more like a writer. So I figured if I just get it into stand-up, because I want to be a script writer for scripted comedy, and I don't really know anyone in the industry. So I figured if I tried doing stand-up, hopefully get myself out there, maybe someone thinks I'm funny,

maybe they'll give me a chance to, you know, just get in the writer's room. Louis J. Gomez. I feel like you're further away from that goal after this set. You set yourself back years just tonight. Yeah, now the people that would have hired you are like, I will never work with that guy. Hell now. Buddy, I got to tell you, I personally know everyone in the industry,

and I can put in a good word for you. Can you hook me up with somebody with herpes? I think you're very funny. Thank you. And for a first time, you were pretty confident, You were killing it. And I like your honesty and vulnerability talking about your game plan. Most comics come up here and they're like, I don't know.

And you had like, you know, all these things. I admire it. Completely agree with Peyton here. For 23 years old, it's an amazing start. It is kind of always weird to start here. But you're 23 and I have a lot of time ahead of you. This is a good time to start Ari Shafir. Was there any thought before you went on stage today of not wearing shorts on a

57 degree day. Well, I live in Fort Worth, and it was sunny there. And, like, I don't check the weather. I just walk out, and I'm like, if I made a bad decision, I'm like, fuck, I just got a man up. Fuck, yeah, dude. How many comics are from Dallas today? Like, Dallas, Fort Worth is like half the lineup tonight.

Yeah. Sorry, what was that? Never mind. It wasn't about you. It was a synops of a reason. It's funny. It's your first time doing stand-up and your shirt says, not my first rodeo.

Shut up, Mike Stud. It indeed is your first rodeo. Yes, sir. Fake it so you make it. That's what that shirt says. Yes, sir. Adam, before I let you go, tell us one more crazy thing about your life. You have any special skills or talents other than, well, any other thing at all?

I mean, I could try to trauma dump, you know, to get some envy, but I don't know. What? Do you have a crazy traumatic thing that happened to you? I mean, who doesn't? I mean, my mom recently got canceled. How did your mom get canceled? I don't know. It's kind of impressive to get that done in 2026.

But, go ahead. So it's kind of, I'll make a long story short. So my birthday was February 1st. My grandpa's is February 3rd. And I, like, a tweaker uncle who wanted to plan a birthday for my grandpa. He's like 20 years sober, and the drug still mess with him a little bit. So he's like, a schedule a family gathering, get everyone together for my grandpa's birthday. I was like, you know what?

My family's a little dysfunctional. I'll fade that and just stay here in Texas instead of going back home. Where's home? California. Okay, go ahead. And then, so my mom, the family's all there. And she's like, you know what, screw this. I'll do what any normal person will do with a dysfunctional family.

I'll go to the bar at 12 on a Saturday, you know, get a midday fade in. And then, uh... Make the long story shorter. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry. They'll tell stories like a woman. Dude, we need more detail. They planted these ice protesters right outside the bar.

And so obviously, my mom has that 2 p.m. fade in after the bar, you know, because family drives us all crazy. And she's walking out, and there's these ice protesters. protesters and you're drunk from the bar. Of course you're gonna go talk to them. And she's talking with them. They get a little bit of arguments. You know, this little pushing and shoving happens.

And obviously they're recording it. You're the clip baiting. Uh-huh. Keep going. And they get in a little like argument, a pushing fight, and then they get separated, but they recorded it and sent it to my mom's work. And they didn't renew her contract at her job.

Type sh-prostitutes of contracts? Red band? I don't know. You have the answer? Let me tell you, I have a storytelling show myself, so let me tweak that for you a little bit. True. It's called The End, available at r.eshefier.com. Tony Hinchke, because he's doing the final story ever done on my show. That's right.

My mom was talking to these ICE protesters, and then. Right. All the other stuff. Yeah. You talked about your relatives. They never came back in this. Yep. The bar, none of that matters.

The fact that the birthday is February 1st, 3rd, None of it had anything. Yeah, what was that? The first and third? I was like, okay, this is gonna pay off. It is his first time. And it's good for him to learn. Mr. Rex Central.

I like riding, so I just like oversharing, I guess. It was a tweaker uncle, it was a grandpa. It was a whole cast of characters that never reappeared in the story. Now this takes place to the city I call... You know what that sounds like to me, though? A future TV writer. That's right. He's got characters.

He's got an arc. He don't know where he's going with it yet. But at the end of that episode, we will find out why that chick can cross throat. That is true. Here's a little something for you to start writing, and there's a medium joke book for Adam. Thank you.

Ariola, ladies and gentlemen. Keeping it moving. Here we go, there he goes. Put me in a show, for real. Put me in a show. Your next bucket pool. Ooh, this is a show with... Oh, that's Keegan. This is Keenan.

Make some noise for Keenan Womack, everybody. So, guys, I'm Keenan. I'm from a military family. I'm very proud of that. My cousin is actually overseas right now. Yeah, he joined ISIS. Yeah, now he's a viral star. You can find all his stuff on LiveLeak.

I hear a lot of stories about students and teachers having inappropriate relationships, and I'm not going to lie, when I hear that, I get a little bit jealous. You know, I think back. Now, as a handsome guy, Why couldn't that have happened for me when I was a teacher? You guys seen Crazy Rich Asians?

Anybody seen that? Yeah, they're making a sequel. It's called Crazy Poor Asians. It's about Filipinos. They're also making a movie about Hunter Biden. It's called White Lines Matter. Yeah. There's all I got.

There you go. Keenan Womack. Some funny jokes in there. How long you've been doing stand-up, Keenan? About three years. We're at. I just did a show at Shakespeare's Next Door on Thursday. It was a lot of fun.

No, I mean like the whole three years here in Austin. Oh, yeah, in Austin, yeah. So I'm sorry, I'm not very good at answering questions. Well, that's just going to go super smoothly, though. Yeah, for sure. What do you do for work? I'm in sales. What are you selling?

Well, if I told you that, am I getting some trouble? No, I'm selling tech. It sounds cool if you say you're selling drugs, though. I feel that's a lot more interesting. Yeah. You're a funny guy. How old are you? I'm 32.

32. Yeah. What made you start stand up three years ago? Well, so I actually started in high school and Dallas. It started as an 18-year-old. And then I got drunk for 12 years. And then I stopped drinking. And then I started doing stand-up. Wow. So, yeah. He started at 22 and I've been drunk ever since. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've actually got five years sober last weekend. So- Oh, congratulations. Yeah, don't cry. Saturday's my cheat day, of course, but-

Amazing, Keenan. You have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? Yeah, I can rip a drum set. Like, no. Are you serious? Are you dead serious? No way. Are you fully, living? I'm gonna be so pissed if you're fucking with me. How long have you been playing drums for? Like, since I was 12. No way.

Seriously? I played in more bands and done more shows music than I've done stand. If only we had a fucking drum set here. And if only we had a running historical part of the show called a Mexican drum off. I know if you guys know how it works. Looks like some people dragged their liberal girlfriends out with them tonight. with them tonight.

So let me explain how this goes. Historically on this show, if a comedian knows how to play the drums, they get to have a drum solo competition with the resident drummer. All time, every resident drummer has won this competition. But if, if Keenan wins this, the rule, the house rule, is that he would become the full-time drummer here on Kill Tony, and that Michael Gonzalez would have to go

into tech sales. That's the big twist. They have to trade jobs, literally. Tony, I got to give a word of warning for the audience here. For all the women in here, you're about to gush wet. It's simple.

I think you know how it works, right? You've got a napkin on your table. Apply it now. And if you get too wet, remember, just look back at R.E. Shafir and suck it back in. I would have gone I would have gone a little crazier playing since 12.

I would have really like built up, built it up a little bit, told a story there. That was just kind of br-da-b-da-da-da-pah, but-da-a-da-a-da-a-da. Hold on, this blonde bimbo really wants to say something. Let's hear, let's hear from this, let's hear from Hulk Hogan's ex-wife for a second. What? What are you saying?

Oh, hell yeah. Lights. There are six empty Miller lights on this table. I love it. She's wearing a Kill Tony shirt. The other guy's got a Buckeyes. I never made the connection that Buckees. and Buckeyes are that close. He's probably a brand deal we could. That bouncer just told you something

your boyfriend never would. Shut up. Yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne. I mean, if he, if the drumstick break or something amazing, he could lose this thing. This is Michael Gonzalez. The easiest part of this competition,

historically, is that the audience, make some noise if you have Keenan Womack winning that competition. Throw that guy out. So whoever the fuck clap, Mossad agent, throw him out. And how many of you have Michael Gonzalez when? But Keenan, good news. You're a very funny man, so you're leaving with a big joke book.

You got that. There goes Keenan Womack, everybody. Funny man. All right. We're keeping it moving along here. We're going to go a little long tonight. Is that all right with you guys? Your next bucket pool, very interesting name.

This should be interesting. They're definitely covering up their real identity. So we'll see what happens here. Make some noise for P.HX.98, everybody. Hey, Tony. I heard you were gay, Tony. No GTA, Tony. I'm like, no way. Tony?

Anyways, Tony, you fuck with raves, Tony? No, frail, you fuck with raves, Tony? Shit, Tony. I think you're my twin, Tony. You're looking kind of thin, Tony. Bring that shit in, Tony? Damn, Tony. I've been hearing squats 50 times every time I wake up,

working on my ass, Tony. So let me ask Tony. You fuck with raves, Tony? Oh, that's my minute. Man, they really do not like people mentioning Tony. I mean, it's kind of nuts. Have you ever seen the show before or anything? Like, three times?

And then what made you want to do this here? I think. Fuck you. My friends said, do it. Fuck you. Okay. Well. Hang on.

I think I know what can help that set. Sir, grab the microphone more time. Exact same thing, okay? I don't think it would really help. He didn't even rhyme. He just kept saying Tony. Not the word was for one. It's Tony.

It's Coney. I mean. Boney? What's the name again? I'm sorry. P. H. H.S. 98. Is that what was what was? Is that the number above your cell or something?

Yeah. Are you a rapper? Yes, unfortunately. Why do you keep on doing this? I mean, I know. It's the distance from the mic. There you go. All right.

Okay, there you go. You bummed everyone out. You walked a guy. That guy's leaving to kill himself right now, dude. That guy's going to commit suicide because of what you just did up here. It's going to hang yourself in the most beautiful PHX 98.

Let's just jump into it. You ever done stand-up before? I have not, no. Have you ever done anything on stage before? Rap, that's about it. Do you really rap? I for real rap. Really?

Yes. Where the fuck is our drummer at? Right here. Right, fucking, right. I mean, it's like, what are you doing? What? Okay, well, I'm glad you're back. It's a real professional show

when everybody goes pee fucking eight times an episode. All right, I want to see if you can fucking do anything, because I don't think you can do anything. That's the gut instinct that I'm having. Even though this fucking whole thing that you just did sucks, I'm still going to give you a chance to rap for a second. And then we'll decide whether we fucking edit you out of the entire episode. Because I can't have people thinking they can just be a complete piece of shit

that just doesn't prepare anything funny for the minute. And then does this. A little bit lighter because you guys are very loud. So there you go. when you see you inside one. Bitches wanna flip like a brick, no outcome. Outcome truth when the end come new. But what they finna do when the code let loose?

Peter Piper picked a couple peppers on the way. Demons fighting why the Legion gonna lead the way. Look, I won't get sprayed from a first slash agent. I can use flows that I heard replace it. Face it, I can make words more fragrant. Face it, like a Jay Suzy blaze it. Hate it. I would never fake shit, bruh.

Bars got clever when the kid woke up. Bars got clever from the neo-jump. Heart got severed when my bitch fucks up. Street punk trying to ride away. Smile for the TikTok. Ho got laid. Find the pussy on the TikTok. Wrist watching.

All right. I'm gonna stop you there. I'm gonna stop you there. Nah, I was feeling that shit, though. I got some feedback. Yes. Peyton. I get it. Peyton liked it because he thought it was a crunch crap.

Hell you. I gotta say your brother, Sir John, is way funnier, man. I gotta say. Can you just eyeball the spacing, or do you have to do this? Like, maybe this, and then go, got it? Imagine if you did that, you'd have to use your whole arm. That's about right. That's about right.

PHX 98, there you go. Oh, wait, what the fuck you, man. Put the mic in the mic stand, PHX 98. Yes. There you go. There he goes. PHX 98, everybody. One more time.

There you go. Thank you. You're welcome. You made him leave like someone who got fired at a high-level business. Yeah. That was so cool. Were you like, I put that mic in the mic stand?

Can I talk to you over here for a second? That was so... You just offset any problems there? That's a criminal that you're like, won't be today. Yeah, that was nuts. It's crazy. You really said, go ahead and clock out for me if you could. Yeah.

People watching it at home. Please don't sign up for this show without preparing a minute. It's like a psychotic thing to do. And I don't respond to you during your one-minute-long set. So if you're asking me questions like, do you like graves? I will not answer. And the entire panel has been instructed

to not respond or interrupt the minute either. So you can't really play off them. You have to really try on this show just for a minute. He tried with a handshake, but he left it way over there? He was like, yo, what's that? No? Okay. All right.

Anyway, Tony, I've been having a good time, Tony. This has been a fun show. We're having a good time. We have another bucket pole, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for, we know this young lady. Comedy Store Door Girl, very funny person. Make some noise for Miranda Meadows, everybody. Miranda Meadows.

When I finger my girlfriend on her period, my finger goes in like this and it comes out like this. It'll be creep walking away. When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares and I'd pee the bed. And recently, I found out I'm a squirder. Think back to those times, I had nightmares and I'd pee the bed and I realized, oh, I was just sleeping next to my uncle. The uncle that molested me taught me a lot.

He taught me how to roll my ars so that when I got older, I could say, rape. I was molested in the state of Michigan. He touched me here. Little sister to us over there at the comedy store holding it down. Great energy's always there and on stage. Louis J. Gomez. Miranda, you remind me of my niece, which is kind of ironic. It's molested me than my ugly-ass uncle.

Miranda, remind us all. How long have you been to stand-up again? On the 25th, it'll be eight years. Eight years. It was fun. A true... You still work in the door at the store? Yep.

Nice. You ever wear that red vest I left you? Yes, when it's cold. Yes. I wish I brought it here. I packed horribly for this trip. It happens. This weather here is very wonky.

Somehow it was 100 degrees in January and cold and rainy right now. Very bizarre. For those of you, uh, they care about the weather here in Texas. Bullies is hot out here. Ari certainly cares about the weather. He controls it. Yeah, fuck you, Ari! Why would you do this to us?

Sorry. I said it was too hot. I don't know. I want to make sure everybody came inside for the shows. Miranda, you work the door still. Yeah. You know, you're the, I guess me, you, Tony, we've all done the same job. Oh, that's cool.

Are there any... I'm the only one that can find the clit out of all of us, but... Whoa! How dare you. It's right there. It's right there between the balls and the penis. We know where it is. That's the part they really like.

Miranda, what else is going on in life? You know, big ballin, scissoring it up, fucking bitches, getting money. How long you had this girlfriend for? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Now, normally, lesbian relationships don't last that long. I know. What is your trick to keeping everything steady?

You've been with her two and a half years, so I'm guessing you've lived together for three years. No, she doesn't want to live with me yet. Oh, wow. Why do you think that is? Probably because I'm too good at the bedroom. I don't know. Or because you dressed like a conductor. Yeah. Fucking train.

I'm dressed like the best pussy eater in Auschwitz, God damn it. No, they weren't eating much over there. Exactly. I didn't eat pussy. Dress like that, you clearly don't eat pussy. You also chew, chew. Ew. All the live-long day.

Do you really scissors? Is that a real thing? I find it to be so strange. One of the fucking funniest things in all of any sex. It might be funnier than anything gay dudes do. But I mean, like, bouncing your pussies off of each other. It's really fucking hard.

Honestly, at the end of it, my knee just ends up there. And it's really hard. It doesn't feel good. And when it does, it's two seconds and it's over. Give us a real ballpark. How many... These are like a ballpark of how many times a year? if you had to guess that you guys bounce your

pussies off of each other. I have to know, because it's just hilarious. Honestly, not this year. Right. We haven't this year. Last year, a few times. Business was booming last year. Business was booming last year.

Business was booming. What's their normal? 69 in? I mean, we call it 45 and a half, but it's just sucking each other's tits. Girls can't really 69, can they? It's a little bit of 50s. Yeah, it's a neck crank.

Right. Seems like it's possible almost. It seems like one would be kind of, you would have to, like, loop your arms back, and one would be, like, kind of up in the air. Just touch your legs down on the back of her head. Yeah, it's almost like a, it's almost like a Steiner recliner from Scott Steiner, the brother of Rick Steiner, the father of Braun Breaker. Either of you have, like, extended labias, you could stretch it out.

Oh, good question. Ripon. That's a good question. That is over the line. Classified information. That is a crazy question to ask, and it's disrespectful to women on this show. Do any of you have extended labia? I mean, it's probably easier 60-9ing as of two men.

You'd probably know a lot about this, Tony. Absolutely. No, it's true. It's very true. 690 with two men works, depending on the height of the other man. Okay. If you had to guess how many toys you have between the two of you, I always find that intriguing about true lesbians as well because it takes so many things to replace one penis.

I'm interested to hear how many toys. You want to take a guess? I'm going to guess 14. Oh. I'm going to guess one train set. It is one, and it is a nicely sized green dildo so we can see in the dark. Ooh. I imagine at night when you guys go to bed it comes alive like Toy Story.

It's just like, fuck me. Literally. Is it two-sided? It's just a one-sided dildo? You guys ever do a two-sided dildo? Like, on a requiem for a dream or anything? No, that shit scares me. Right.

Because you can't feel it either way. I mean, wait, wait, when it's... Wait, what? What? Okay, wait. No, I've had sex before, guys. I swear, I swear. I'm bisexual, if you believe it or not.

No, I've never done a two-sided dildo. Miranda, have you ever had sex, do you ever have like a threesome with another person that's going to? Because if not, Ari's happy to join you and your girlfriend. I've heard about sex, but I, could you teach? I have seen Ari's dick before, uh, well he's on stage and I will say it's perfect size. Yeah, it's also green like your favorite dildo.

I just said that would go away in its own. Amazing. Miranda, you have the energy like you should have a slingshot and a frog in your pocket? Yeah, you're a real Bart Simpson type personality over here. I'll paint your fence for your applecore. Instead of Eat my shorts, you're like, Eat my pussy. Miranda, you are just fantastic.

We love your energy. Great jokes. My favorite appearance on this show so far in the history of it. You're just great. We love you. And we will see you when we come to Los Angeles for the intimate dome in just a couple of short. weeks and we love you. Here's a big joke book just for fun. There you go.

Mind of Meadows, everybody. Thank you for me. Tony, let's go. Hell yeah. She may be gay, but she catches like a girl. You know what? I'm gonna bring somebody out who specializes in eating pussy, believe it or not, because he can do it. Wow, they're both standing up. Ladies and gentlemen, just here to say hello. old friend of the show, former panelists, who's just swinging by in town, make some fucking noise for one of your favorite stars from the hit movie Jackass. And the new Jackass is coming out June 26th.

Jackass, the best and last. Ladies and gentlemen, just to say hello, make some fucking noise for Weeman, everybody. How you doing, Tony? Welcome, welcome. How are you doing, Red Man? Weeman, this is not Preston Lacey. This is Preston Lacey and I's child. Oh my god, it's that last chick's double-sided dildo.

Oh my god. You're huge. Yeah, but I'm not green. No, no, no, no, no. And you're not 160, by the way. Yeah, well, you're 160 centimeters, buddy, so... This way. By the way, lesbian 69 is L7.

Oh. Oh, L7. I like that. We, man, welcome back to the Kill Tony Universe. We've missed you. You've been out in L.A. We accidentally abandoned everybody out there. You did.

Yeah. It's all right. You abandoned your favorite neighbor, too, and he's sad. Absolutely, yeah. The great Rick Kosick, one of the more famous, the famous cameraman for all the jackass movies. And I were extremely close next door neighbors for a long time. We had a very home improvement-like relationship

where his head would come up to my fence. and I would be out there obviously chain smoking and writing and whatnot. And we would talk every day. We'd go to the farmer's market, we all would, get some silly cheese steaks. Tony, you're not gay at all. I think you're not.

If you saw Rick at Kosick, you would know it was not a sexual relationship. Come on. Oh, yeah, I would totally fuck Rick. Absolutely. I've seen that guy barf on film more than anyone in the world. It's hilarious.

Yeah, we love Rick. We're all very good friends with them. We, man, this movie's coming out, June 26th. I've heard so many great things about it. We all know that I am a massive fan. I've always said there's only two funny things left in this world, and that is Jack Ass in South Park. We are so excited.

So excited to see it. How do you feel about what you guys got on film? It's actually really, really good. This time we went. right away in the beginning, we went and shop for five days. That's it. We got 40 minutes. That's over half the movie in five days.

Usually we take like six months and we take breaks. And Knox is like, well, now that we're working at this speed, who knows what's next. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's going to be a fucking good one. And we went viral on Friday because we blew up the back of Seamy Valley. And there was like a family park and everybody's like, oh, There was two explosions.

And, okay, we're going to hear helicopters soon. And all of a sudden it was nothing, because we had all the cops in fire department. They all knew we were going to blow shit up. Jackass started the fire in Los Angeles. And they were like, hey, this is Jackass, and we're destroying Pasadena. Fucking amazing.

We, man, what else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about? Nothing crazy. I just got an old Canon Elon film camera and I started taking shots and I have a photo show coming out. I love it. Nothing better than low angle photos.

Oh, yeah. Double kids. Double kids on everybody. Upskirt pictures. That's a GoPro. He's like, and this one is a shot of ankles and this one is a shot of ankles as well. Who got the most PTSD this year?

Who got the most PTSD this year? Dave England. He shoved it. his finger into Zach's ass, and he tore his middle finger. He tore the tendon right here. In a butt? What? In a butt?

In. Straight in towards tendon. And he didn't realize that at first, we did this whole crazy bit. And then he went. He goes, dude, I can't move my finger, guys. So he goes to the doctors. And we're like, yes. And we're like, did you tell him what out?

He goes, yeah. I told him and the assistant, I shoved my finger up with dude's ass. and broke it. And my first thought was the doctor's wife that night was like, so honey, how was work? Oh, wait till you hear this one. I am hard as a rock right now.

You know, that dude is like he's now going around hollowly going, I literally have the tightest ass in L.A. Where can people see that photo show that you're doing? It's at a small little venue called House of Danger in Costa Mesa.

May 2nd. Nice. It's going to be fun. Awesome. Drinks and burgers and low-angle photos. We love you, we, man. Jackass, the best and last it's called. Comes out June 26.

You guys know what to do. Go have fun, smoke some pot, go watch a fucking funny-ass, undeniable movie. A lot of our friends and former guests of the show, of course, are part of the cast. Basically, everybody, I think everybody's been on it

except for Knoxville. who was almost on it, but lost him. We had some crazy stuff going on that day. Had a little gig in Madison Square Garden the night before. A little something happened. We don't worry about that, though. It's all behind us. Okay.

I mean, guys, what a fucking episode we've had. And there's only one way to end an episode like this. And believe it or not, it's probably not how you think. William Montgomery is going through it. He's doing extra sold-out shows, and Timmy No Break's is recovering from a big fall at WrestleMania, which is available now, obviously, on Netflix. Kill Tony Mania.

Went live, yeah, go watch it. But, ladies and gentlemen, I promise you, when I tell you that one of the most amazing regulars with the most potential and only a couple appearances under his belt is waiting right behind that curtain, He will be if he's not already one of your favorite comedians in the world.

Make some noise for the future, everybody. This is a new set from Pat O'Neill, everybody. Started doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate. You guys have heard about this. The Cinnamon Challenge.

Fun times. Last time I did that, I was watching some midget porn. At least I hope. All right, most of you are either Amish or liars. Fine, though. And watching too much of that stuff growing up,

I think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women, you know? Like, thinking lesbians would be pretty. Rarely the case. I dated a Jewish girl once, ended up being a lesbian. The old double Ike, LGBT Jew. You know, the ancient Jews. As legend has it, they saw Jesus Christ at the Last Supper, picking up the tab for 12 other dudes,

and we're like, he must be God. We have to kill him. Okay, thank you. Unbelievable. I mean, he does this. This is what he does. That's clearly the fucking set of the night. The hardest hitting jokes

totally almost made me take a spit take. I thought I could take a full sip of water while he was coming out, and the folks got me real good. Right for your... For your... First! You're... You just have the beats, man.

Let's check in with Louis J. Gomez. First of all, you are very funny. That's unique and funny, great jokes, but you do look like Pennywise in high school. Pennywise is also what Ari Sheffere calls his pocket. He's filled with pennies that he finds on Sixth Street. So many out there. I'm the snake guy. No one's looking at him. No one's looking at him.

I'm picking up petty's right behind him. Dude, you have the most hair of a ball person I've ever seen in my life. You have a black widow's peak. All right, let's have the third person tell me how ugly I am. Peyton? It's not about how ugly are.

I'm just surprised how funny you are when you spend most of your time trying to reanimate dead flesh at your house. You're like fucking doctorate. The Frankenstein, dude. Your bedroom's just full of, like, you know, like bubbling tubes and shit. Yeah, yeah, kill ladies.

Yeah, I'm calling you a psychopath, yeah. You get it. Matt O'Neill, you are so fucking funny. What's the rules? Thank you, Tony. Crazy question. What's your writing process? Is it daytime, nighttime at a desk?

Does it come to you and you write it on your phone? Is it in the shower? Is it driving? Yeah, just like all day. Yeah. Shower and driving a lot happened. down in an open grave and wait until it comes to you. I feel like he writes all of his jokes by clipping out letters from magazines and newspapers.

Yeah, there's a great spot I go to write. I fly on in, I hang upside down by my feet. Pat O'Neill, I cannot stress enough how funny I think you are and how excited I am for you to be a full-time regular on this show. You did it again, buddy. You're amazing. Don't change a fucking thing. Do you do it? So Pat, you're fucking great dude, and we just announced that Skankfest tickets are on sale today.

How would you like to come to Skate. Let me just break in right now and say that I am inviting you myself to Skakefest. I'm me. I'm here. You know what? I would like to have you. I would like to have you on the secret show this thing. It's a paid trip.

There's a suite that fucking some fucking named Dave Smith not using. You can have that. No, I want you to ask Gangfest. I also, to be honest with you, Pinn. Are you coming to Skank Fest this year? I was planning, you know. Peyton, let me be the first one. I invited you to Skakefest.

You are now proud member of Skagfest. You're there. I was going to. I didn't get in last year. And then this year, yeah, can you believe it? No, I'm going to be in DC at the time. You're going to be in DC? Yeah.

Doing shows? Yes. Can cancel the fucking weekend. Come party at Skank Fest. All right, all right, all right. Just asking for a week later. In DC, it's a shithole. Okay.

All right. All right, Peyton Reddy's going to be at SkangFet and Pat O'Neil's going to be at Skangfest. And the rest of us are going to be at Skangfest, believe it or not, everybody. How about one more time for the great Pat O'Neill, everybody? Your soon-to-be favorite comic if he's not already. Make some noise for the great Louis J. Gomez, everybody. Skangfest.com for the final tickets to Skangfest. There's not going to be a kill Tony

just to make it clear. However, we're all doing stand-up and everybody shows, story wars, all the fun stuff. Well, it's a 10th anniversary. You never know what could happen, Tony. Well, I do know what can happen. What did happen on the last time you did kill Tony on SkangFest.

What did happen? You took a shit on the stage. Anything could and will happen. That's Skag Fes, Kiltone. Anything can happen. I'm not to guarantee right now Kill Tony will happen in SkokinFest Kempfuss. It's definitely not.

Do not. heard her here first. Kiltony is happening. Escape, you know what? There's going to be two Kiltony's at Skenton. Sure, Kiltz. Yeah, definitely not.

However, there will be a kiltony at Madison Square Garden on August 7th and August 8th. The Intuit Dome in Los Angeles and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. Minor arenas. You need to do it at 130-seat room at Skagfest.

130 would be, I think, an upgrade compared to the rooms that we've done before. One more time for the great Ari Sheffir, everybody. The end. The storytelling super series is available now. Go to ari-shapir.com. Guys, boy, oh boy, what a first episode. Perhaps one of my favorite first-time panelists of all time I fucking knew it. Make some noise for Peyton Rowan.

Everybody, everybody. I'm telling you, this guy's a fucking freak of nature. Follow him on Instagram at Peyton Ready Comedy. That's R.U.D.D.Y. And go see him live. Go to Peyton ReadyLive.com. His tour.

My best work is happening now. Thank you. The D.C. show is being rescheduled as we speak. That's right. Thank you to our sponsors, Shopify, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter for this episode.

One more time for Winston Marshall on the banjo joining us, everybody. I love the fact that some of the best musicians in the world join us sometimes randomly on this show. It's so awesome, so crazy. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, just for Schittson. Oh, Shane Gillis. That goes on my storytelling show at the end. He's also on the storytelling show available at rheshafear.com, and he'll also be at skankfest, skankfest.com.

Redband. You know, I just, Peyton used to work at the Sunset Strip, and I'm so happy for you, Peyton. And when you left Sunset, it made me really depressed. But you could check out SunsetstripATX.com and find the next Peyton. It is true. A lot of people ask me to do panel on this show. And when Peyton asked me, there was no hesitation whatsoever. Even as after that, Lewis said he's coming in town and Ari said he's coming in town.

I said I wanted to keep it three people because I knew Payton would crush. One more time for the debut of Payton Ready to the Kill Tony universe. We did it again. Go watch Kill Tony Mania on Netflix. Live in New York, L.A. And life goes on. Good night, everybody. Thank you.