KILL TONY - #768 - SHANE GILLIS + JAMES MCCANN

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Shane Gillis, James Mccann, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, MartinPhillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 04/27/2026 Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/tony Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Go to https://surfshark.com/killtony or use code KILLTONY at checkout to get four extra months of Surfshark. Take Cheers Restore after your last drink or before going to bed and wake up feeling at least 50% better — or your money back. For a limited time our listeners are getting 20% off their entire order at https://cheershealth.com/KILLTONYPOD . #Cheers #ad Take control of your nicotine routine with Zippix. Get 10% off your first order with code KILLTONY at https://zippixtoothpicks.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. From the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony!

It's a fucking night of their lives. Buddy, Fernando Castillo Raoul. Chris Laches on the horns. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums makes them together. Nachos Belgronde. Matt Mueling on the electric. John Dees on the Keys. And believe it or not,

this is indeed the one and only D. Madness Live in the flesh, everybody. Tonight's episode of the number of the number, One Live podcast in the World Kilt. Tony is brought to you by Quo PrizePix Surf Shark and Cheers Health. So many fun advertisers we have. And here's a little bit more that made tonight's episode possible for you here right now. Start your alienware journey with a streamlined Alienware 15 with a design that refines the essentials for a more focused gaming laptop. Featuring a brilliant 15.3 inch 165 hertz display seamlessly engineered into a portable 15 inch body.

powered by an Intel Core 7 processor for high performance during every session. All wrapped up in the elite and durable alienware design. It's everything you need for an immersive gaming experience distilled into one iconic machine. Visit alienware.ca. slash alienware 15 today. Thanks for listening to Kill Tony. Listen to and follow Kill Tony on Amazon Music or just ask Alexa, play the podcast, Kill Tony on Amazon Music.

Also with Amazon Music Unlimited. you can now listen to your favorite music podcasts and audio books, all in the Amazon music app. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what? You know, some nights are just a little bit better than others. Every single week, I book this thing, and I could not be more excited about tonight's booking. I think you're going to be excited, too.

Two of the greatest comedians in the world. Two of the greatest kill-tony guests of all time. Most importantly, two of my favorite friends on planet Earth. Make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis and James McCann, everybody. Wow. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Shane Gillis is back. Hello.

Hey. Shane has been a guest numerous times under different aliases. at times, sometimes, I mean, well, I mean, we've had the president of the United States on this show and sometimes as himself. Welcome back, Shane. Shane has an act for tickling me under the table. No, I know. Yes, he does.

He fucking wishes. It's weird. He just squaws my thigh, really? I did not. He squaws it. He squose it like it's a little pet gerbil or something down there. My little gerbil thigh. Ew, dude.

The great James McCann is back, everybody. He is the host of the James, Donald, Forbes, McCann, Catamaran Plan podcast. The only one of its kind, James, welcome back. It's an honor to be here. I've never heard such a big, warm welcome for me before. They love you, James. I'm so honored to be here. What a show! I'm really happy to be here.

You guys have been guests, numerous. as times before, but I'll remind you anyway, because it's been a while, James. You've been in Australia, and now you're back. So let me remind you, over 250 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get

60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and interrupts their set, and then I conduct an interview. We talk with them about anything and we find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys

ready to start tonight's fucking show. I'm gonna let this disabled truck driver pick the first name. There you go. Here it is, and it's out of the bucket. There it goes, and it's off. Here we go. While we go wrangle that first bucket pull,

I have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to debut a brand new minute. He does more minutes than any golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This will be fun. Make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody. My God, the great Martin Phillips.

What's that? Cool. Hey, cool. I would never do human trafficking because I hate regular traffic. You know, like, who's doing this? Right? I'm okay. Sometimes I like to wear women's clothes, you know?

It's really tight. It makes me feel bad. you know and people are like that already look so swole I'm like nah this is my sister's dress you know it's okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay I'm okay okay I at school dances they used to say make room for Jesus and they say yeah he's trying to grind too okay he he wants in on this So, is that a minute? Exactly a minute, Martin Phillips.

Welcome back, Martin. Hello. How's it going? Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. You know. Yeah.

What do you got around your neck there? You know, so this one time I was out the show, and I tried to play harmonica. I thought it could be my tank, but then I thought, Everybody fucking plays a lot of any fucking Uncle Laser. Yeah.

Yeah, Funko. Yeah, Funkal Laser can do it, yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know, so I looked for a unique intervent to anybody else could play. That's the dog whistle. That's a dog whistle? Dog whistle.

Not an ape whistle, but it's to rape whistle if you're being assaulted by dogs. Wow. Or it could be fun if a bunch of dogs saved you. Well, yeah, I guess. It won't work if I want them. Either way, if you're getting raped, bring some dogs in the mix.

Yeah, bring my dog. I mean, if it's you getting raped, the dogs would probably join in. They'd probably be like, this is easy. Ro-ro-ro-h-h-h. I'm gonna bust a nut in this wobbly dude real quick. If I was a dog, that's what I would do. If I was a horny dog, I would fuck, Mark. You know.

What's a nut in the guys? No, I would, if I was a dog. The only thing holding back from nutting in guys is I'm not a dog. Wow. God damn it, I set myself up for that one. Oh, what is wrong with me? So, did, I'm ignorant to the dog whistle. Does that attract dogs, or does it scare the dogs?

It scared them away. They can't scare some. Well, hey, yeah. Let's hear a note there. Okay. All dogs listening to the podcast, take your headphones off for a moment. Wow. You're pretty good.

Oh, the sound of things that are scared dogs out there. Pretty good, right? I think it's working. Okay. So that's what you have. Have you played it around a dog yet? My dog's deaf, so you don't really care about it. Your dog's deaf?

Kind of blind. You guys are a hell of a squad. He is not my assistant dog. He can't assist me whatsoever. Wow. Neither you can get on the plane. It's a service animal. Yeah.

Yeah. Amazing Martin. How long have you had this dog for? Oh, I adopted a while summer. And then I fostered it for like six months. And then we lost him. Right. Was he already deaf?

Yeah, he's fucking old dude. You adopted an old dog? old dog. Yeah. What made you want to do that? I mean, after I lost stuff, I could talk kind of bad. I know, you know, you're paying for it. Have you, but you've blown the whistle near your dog?

Yeah. No reaction whatsoever. No. You know, like, when you open the door and come inside the apartment, he doesn't even know you there. Wow. Yeah. He's the worst guard dog, actually. Yeah.

I need this whistle. That's what we'll occur is, Tony comes into my house, you know? On my room, you know. That's right. That's right. Well, Martin, you got the show started with another brand new minute.

Thank you very much. We're gonna switch over to the bucket now. This is where shit gets crazy. This is where we meet new people. Maybe it's someone that's been on before that's done bad, and maybe they do good this time. Maybe they did good last time and bad this time. Anything can happen, you're gonna see it.

60 seconds, uninterrupted, going to your first bucket bowl. Cameron Shepard, everybody. Here we go. Yeah, those are my tits. Make some noise, everybody. Hell yeah. I recently saw the worst documentary of my life, everybody. I saw a documentary on Robert Wadlow.

Now, Robert Waddleow is the world's tallest man in American history. Okay, this some bitch was 8 foot 11, all right? And on this documentary, they told you all the shit you didn't want to know, right? Like, oh, we had big glasses. He had big shoes. They didn't talk about his big stupid cock one time. Yeah, not once. That's an 8 foot 11 man.

That's a hell of a pecker. And I want to fucking see it, dude. What the hell? That could have been the greatest documentary in American history, and it could have been really short, right? Robert Waddleow, world's tallest man, 15 inches soft, the fucking end.

That's the end of the documentary. Leapfrog, naked. No? No. That's odd. You know, as a child, folks, I thought that's how you played the game, you know? I thought Leapfrog was the game you played nude. Come to find out, my uncle's just a weird guy.

Thank you guys for your time. I love you all. Cameron Shepard, Micking. I'm guessing it's your Kilt Sony debut, correct? Yes, sir. Hell yeah, you wore your best tank top out tonight. Oh, yeah. Fantastic.

I love that there's a pocket on it. I don't think I've ever seen a pocket on a tuesday. on a tank top quite like that before. I mean, the design stops there. It looks like you put it on yourself. Is there something that you keep in that pocket specifically? Mainly fentanyl, but nothing else. Okay.

How old are you, Cameron? I am 26 years old, Mr. Tony. Wow. You could have guessed anything there, and I would have accepted it, but 26 is one of the more depressing answers. Oh, shit. My goodness.

What have you been doing with your life this whole? with your life this whole time. A lot of stress. No, man. You look like you're your own dad. I'm feeling good, man. You look like you made you. Where's butt head at?

Sir? Where's butthead at? Very good. You know it's bad when Red Band's roasting your ass. By the way, fun fact. We found out earlier, Red Band has lost six pounds in two weeks, everybody. Hold on. Hold on. Before you clap.

Let me tell you how he's doing it. He's switched from fried foods to only sandwiches. He's on a sandwich-only diet, and his body... He told us in the green room and three other fat guys were like, for real, that works. Man. All of us were like... What is happening?

What's going on with these child ripests and sandwich diets? That's crazy. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Now, Cameron, you look like you've exclusively been eating McDonald's French fries your entire life. How exactly do you keep that amazing frame that you have? What do you, what type of protein package are you on, Cameron?

So, I'm not on any protein. I exercise a lot. So I climb trees and then I do backflips off of them. Okay. 400 reps a day. Okay. You should have been in the 90s, bro. You're perfect. What type of music do you like? You like

some 41? No, I like a... Sugar Ray? Drill wrap. I like that type. Drill wrap. What the fuck are you? British stabbing music? No, I'm an American. You like hard black killing people in the straight music? Oh yeah, straight from the block, baby girl, you know?

How many drill rappers can you name? Can you rattle off some for us? 4-2 duck, Chief Keefe. Okay. FBG duck, 4-2-Dug. I messed that up because I'm white and I lied. Okay. What do you do for work, Cameron?

I work at a hardware store. What exactly do you do with the hardware store? Okay, so some guy comes there and he's like, Okura Bichatar and Manako. And then some guy comes to me and he's like, hey, I need a hammer, I need a drill, and some plywood, and I go get it. Wow.

That's why you like drill rep. Yeah. Come on, folks. Folks, folks, folks. Folks. Amazing. Were you being serious about the backflips? Was that a joke?

Dude, I'm fucking super serious about that. Can you do a backflip? This guy will break his fucking neck. This guy has Owen Hart energies for days right here. It'll be the first fucking corpse we have to drag out of here. That coroner is going to have a fucking lot on his hands. It's going to be like, wait, he's got the body of a 50-year-old, but his ID says 26. It's incredible.

Cameron, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies in real life? Like, not silly, backflip, tree climbing. Like, the real camera's thing. So I like to sing a little bit, you know, I like to sing some songs. Uh-huh. Are they originals? No, I like to do homosexual covers of songs.

Okay. And that's basically everything that I sing. That's incredible. So what exactly does that mean? So like Michael Jackson specifically. Oh, the mic's out of the mic stand, folks. Wow. Hey, pretty baby, can you flood my eyes?

Okay, you can't, hold on, let me stop. Yeah, that's crazy. That's insane. Luckily, it's short enough that I think the YouTube sensors won't pick it up, but... Next time I'm open with that. No context at all. Just walk out, flash your tits, sing that.

Yeah. Do a backflip and leave. Yeah, that's it. It'd be the best. Yeah. You'll be a golden ticket winner in no time. I'll take it right away. I love it. Cameron, are you close with your parents?

Yeah, very close. I love my Miami and Piapia very much. Where are they at? They're in Nashville, Tennessee, where I'm from. Is that where you still live? No, I just moved here a month ago. Okay, what made you move to Austin, Texas? It's just a great comedy scene with a lot of chance. Hell yeah.

And do you think that Robert Wadlow material is your finest minute, or is this something new that you're working on? Like, what made you go with that tonight? I just love that joke and his big stupid. Yeah, okay. No, sing Michael Jackson. I was gonna- Are there any other Michael Jackson homosexual covers? That was great.

I have an Elvis one I can do. Okay, that's... Well, since you fuck my ass. All right, there you go, that's great. So it's basically everything you just switch the lyrics to fuck the ass. Yep. Amazing. Yeah. That is incredible.

Super simple. Love it. Amazing. I can tell you, it won't even been here a month. This city's gonna be yours any day now. Yeah, it's all yours, Cameron. Here's a big joke book. Why not? Thank you. Thank you.

Oh my goodness, it's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Live in the flesh. Her podcast is at Heidiregina.com. Also, check out the Kill Tony bands YouTube at the Kill Tony Band. Look at the Love, one more time for Heidi, everybody. Somehow wearing more clothes than Cameron Shepherd, shepherd was. Hey, y'all.

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Going to Live Taylor. Live Taylor, everybody. What's up, Austin? I've been here for about a year now. And there's one thing I knew about Texas before I live in here. It's hot, right? But it does get, it gets pretty cold at night. It got pretty cold during the winter.

So cold that I needed help to sleep at night. So I started listening to Negro spirituals. Yeah, you're like, this crazy bitch has got like Wade in the Water radio on Spotify. That's fucking crazy. No, it was just me being too lazy to change the battery in my smoke detector. Hell yeah. I like to think that my dad was somebody to look up to as like an entrepreneur. It was just a really nice way of saying that he was a full-time crime.

crackhead. I don't know if you know this, but ZipRecruiter Uh, uh, excuse, fuck. A sponsor of Kill Tony actually used to report the average salary.

All right. That's all your time. That's it. Where were you going with that? ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter used to actually report the average salary of a full-time crackhead. What does that mean? You know how like they have like salaries that, you know, for different careers.

They had a full-time, like they had a full-time crackhead on there at one point. Is that true? It is. No, I'm just upset. I didn't screenshot it at some point. But yeah,

when I first started writing, I wrote a lot about my dad. He was actually a crackhead at one point. I was like, I wonder if this actually was a thing. So I looked it up, and it was surprisingly $97,000 a year. To be a, I don't understand still.

Like, No matter how much explaining you do that, that just makes no sense. I'm sorry, I'm the crackhead, it's fine. It passed down. Is your dad still alive? He is. Okay, but he's not a crackhead anymore.

Not anymore, yeah. How did he get, how did he, what made him stop doing crack? Probably COPD and, you know, just getting old. And it gets old. Right. I hear it stays young and beautiful forever. I've heard the reviews, and it seems like the best drug there is. I won't go into, anyway.

You sing a Michael Jackson at all? P... I thought the set was gone really well until you used a word and then people were concerned. Yeah. Negro? It's weird to see a racist goth. That's... You know?

It's an interesting... It's a new racism I never saw a goth. That's so crazy. I'm Hispanic, does that count? Uh... That's even crazy. You're a Hispanic racist guy. It's fun.

Yeah, hell yeah. Where are you from? Sorry, Tony. No, it's good. Go ahead. I moved here from Georgia, so. Yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah, checks out.

Checks out. And how long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. How's it going out here on these streets? It's going pretty okay. Yeah, I mean, I work a lot, so I'm... Where do you work? I'm a vet tech.

That's right. Yeah. Where'd you get the cool waffle house, Jack? I wanted to ask, yeah. My mom worked for Waffle House for like over 20 years. That's amazing. All right, you can say it. Yeah, what?

Yeah. Yeah. You work at Waffle House 20 years. That's a past for a generational past. Whipp it, through it, glass. Wow. Yeah, dude. Oh my God.

That is so cool. The last time I was on, I wore my mom's undertaker's shirt. It just wasn't noticed. It's a dope asher. Got it. We love the Undertaker on here. Yeah. We do.

His action figure has been connected to the bucket for a long time. I'm obsessed, yeah. Okay, so did your mom ever bring home any Waffle House drama? My mom was like the peacemaker of the Waffle House.

Whoa. So she like took it so my sister-in-law has been with my brother since he was like 13. She's sick. She's only like three years older than him. But my mom took her under her wing

She was in like a really bad relationship And so my mom was like I need a babysitter Come work at my house instead of here And yeah She was just more of like the She didn't take She didn't bring home drama

She was a good old Christian lady That just smoked weed That was about it Very good And both parents are Latino No my dad is Puerto Rican And my mom's Italian Was Italian

Was Yeah she Where's it at Redband? Come on now You have to say how did she die? She got hit by a car. She got hit by a car. There you go.

There it is. God damn. Wow. Amazing. Yeah. Man, I bet by the end of that accident, she was smothered and covered and... It's a walk. There it is.

Yeah, I couldn't remember. Yes. All of that. All of that. All right. How long ago did that happen? August of 23. Okay. She's the reason

Her passing is the reason I started comedy So that's great. Yeah. And it helps you. You perform a lot? I try to, yeah. I mean, like I have a I like living well now. You know, I've been a VATEC for almost 10 years And if anybody knows VETX don't make money, but I mean. You ever blow a dog whistle before?

No. What do you think it does? Do you think it attracts dogs or scares them away? I think it perks their little ears, you know? Unless they're sad and cropped and they're just up all the time. Have you killed a lot of dogs? It's not the only thing I do, Shane. I'm sorry. But it is, I give them drugs they don't want.

I hold them down when they don't ask for it. Nice. I make them... You ever... Nah, forget it. Well, I was gonna say, like, I make them go to sleep and, you know, we do things that they don't know about and wake them up.

It's like nothing ever happened. I'm like, you know, Snoop Diddy. It's good. Thanks, dude. Should have done that. Don't do the spirituals one again. Little advice.

Hallelujah. Liv Taylor, you already have a big joke book? I do. I don't have a medium one, though. No, that's okay. That's okay. Go fill it up. Hey, better to ask than a not, right?

There you go. Liv Taylor, everybody, with another new minute. We're moving on. Moving on. Third bucket pool of the night. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise. For your next bucket pool, it's Frankie Gonzalez, everybody.

Here comes Frankie. Hey, Austin, how we doing? I come from a pretty weird family. My brother, he just came out of the closet. I threw him in there for being fucking gay. No, we love him, we love him. Not publicly, but we love him, you know? I have to ask my dad, we'll see.

No, I know I'm not gay because I kissed a man once, and I felt absolutely nothing after I came. Like, I was... That was good. You know, we're roommates now. That's besides a point, you know? I've been doing a lot more acid lately. Anybody else?

Acid heads? Yeah? All right, pussies over here. I love it, dude. I like taking a tab, going hiking, like in the forest. I found big full ones, dude. I checked my phone later. It was just a bunch of pictures of my black friend like this.

Can't use those. He's got a fresh-ass fade. You know what I mean? He looks good. I've only had one bad experience on acid. It was this one time I forgot that I ordered DoorDash and I got a notification on my phone that said, Muhammad has your orders.

He's on. Is that it, Frankie? Oh, it was like 10 seconds more. Go ahead. I forgot that I ordered DoorDash and I got a notification on my phone that said, Muhammad has your orders. He's on the way.

So for like six hours, I thought I planned 9-11. I was like, what orders did I give out, dude? Popeye's Pentagon, they're right next to each other, though. Fuck yeah, Frankie Gonzalez. Rock solid set. Welcome, welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up, Frankie? Sorry?

How long you've been to stand-up? Oh, six years? Six years. Where at? San Diego. Nice. You still live there or are you here now? I know I still live here.

Just visiting. Nice. Yeah. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? Well, mainly stand-up is taking up half of the income now, so that's what's up.

But the other half, I work at the YMCA. Okay. What do you do at the YMCA? Shout out the Y. I'm a trainer. Why? Nah, I work reception.

They don't let me in the fucking back. They don't let me in there. It looks bad if I work people out, you know. I just like, I like the, Hispanic pronunciation of YMCA. Oh, what? I haven't heard the... YMCA?

What? YMCA? You can hear it. Can you guys hear it? Let me hear it. YMCA? All right, that was fine. All right.

Fucking whited it up. Sorry. San Diego. No matter what ethnicity you are, if you're born in San Diego, you're white. I have a lot of black friends from San Diego that are super white. Yeah, that makes sense.

Except for when, like, there's a chance to have, like, guilt or anything. then they're like, I'm totally black. Unless they're in court, you know. Are you really a trainer at the YMC? Oh, no, dude, I work reception at the YMC. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, I make you with Chew.

I don't know if you guys can see, but you got a lot of cute anime tattoos. Oh, right about, you got a little ghost here? Yeah. You got a lady on the house? Oh, this is an actual one though, yeah. What's happening with all that anime? I thought I went through a phase when I was 20.

I regret it. Just horny as hell. I was. It was during COVID. You're so horny, you got a fucking tattoo? Well, yeah, you know, she was dope in that one show. Nobody knows who the fuck this is. That's okay.

How are you doing? Okay, good question, Frankie. I want to tell you this. I'm actually coming to San Diego to do a show next week. And I would like to invite you to come and watch that show. Whoa. Oh, shit. Frankie Gonzalez has activated the life.

Front row? Yeah, sure. Still available. Front row seats still available for James' big show next week in San Diego. Frankie, do you really have a gay brother? Is that just a joke?

I do, yeah, hella gay. Okay. Has he always been gay? How old were you when you realized your brother was gay? Oh, he's a couple years older than me, so he's about 30 now. He used to eat his ice cream cones like a little bit too passion.

Oh shit. He used to let it drip down his hands. I was like, that's just like inconvenient. Why would you want that to happen? That's when I realized it. And what do your parents think about him being gay? Oh, they didn't like it for the first couple years, but my dad's getting older, so I think he feels bad now.

When you say they didn't like it, like, did they verbalize that? They didn't speak to him for about like two years. Okay. Yeah. So. Did they talk to you about it? Oh, yeah, they did. Like, why is he gay?

Right. And I was like, I don't know. There was that one time when I was eight, and it was like, a whole- You guys have a Kintanera for him? He wanted one, he wanted one. What's the gayest thing you've ever seen him do? Oh, I woke, I fell asleep on the couch one time.

I got really drunk. I was like 20 years old. I fell asleep on the couch. I wake up. A man comes, I was living with him alone. A man comes out from the room. He comes out, they both walk out the front door. Two minutes later, a second man comes out from the same room

and leaves out the front door. He comes back in and says, don't tell mom and dad. And that's all we ever talked about. He's about five foot four. I don't think he was one of the guys on top, if you know what I'm saying. Spinner. Wow.

Yeah, say, yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. Frankie, that is incredible. And how about you? Do you have a girlfriend? I do, yeah, yeah. Where did you meet her at?

San Diego. Where in San Diego? Just at a bar, just a brewery. And then you went up to her, what'd you say? Yeah, she looked like, I like, I have a Jewish fetish. Ooh, she looked. Wow. So you saw her, she was picking up a nickel off the ground. Well, I tossed it.

So I was like, there we go. Hell, yeah. So it was cool. She had the right hair. She just looked extra Jewy that day. It was like, you know. It was like dark and curly, or what? Yeah, dark and curly.

Yeah, I was like, I could catch this one. Hell yeah, absolutely. And what was your first date? What was your first experience with her like? Did you hook up with her that night after the bar? We hooked up that night. So let me guess. You picked up the tab?

Yeah, well, we split it. Whoa. Wow. Yeah, no, it was a big move by her, so I knew she was one of the good ones, you know? Yeah. No, we went back to her place that night, and the problem is I had a shift at the Y at 7. And I told her that. And she said, okay, well, if you had to go to work,

and I was like, well, somebody who really wanted this dick would be like, hey, skip work for me. And she didn't say that, which really kind of hurt me a little bit. And then, but we did end up fucking, and it was cool and everything. Hairy, but you know, Jewish, it was fine. I woke up the next morning, no foreskin.

Where did it go? You know, yeah. P. P. Ha ha ha ha. Wow, Frankie. That did happen, though. I know if she's not mad that I told everybody that

because it's literally what happened. Jewish girls get mad about anything. Oh, that's... She complains a little. Yeah. But this wasn't your first Jewish rodeo. Oh, God, no. You love the Jewish...

I'm sniffing them out. I got a... Wow. I like to invest. I like to... It's like in Gloria's best. He goes into bars. He's like, are you hovering?

enemies of the state. I'm going to speak Spanish now. Amazing, Frankie. Congratulations. Very fun said. Very fun interview. Here's a big joke book. There you go. So much. Frankie Gonzalez is making his Tiltony debut.

We are rolling, everybody. Visit BetMDMDM casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly, 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. This is a one-word name your next bucket pool, everyone. Those are always interesting. Our first one-word name of the night. Make some noise for Dickie, everybody.

It's Dickie. Stuck on there. All right. My name's Dickie. I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah, home of the Mormons. I never realized how blessed I was to be Mormon until I got older and started really living that life of sin. You see, I started seeing ads.

And the number one solution for men who, like, can't get hard or losing their hair or need to lose weight, is called hymns. I've been singing those Mormon hymns like a motherfucker lately. Like, pray to God every time I need some chick to be into me. I just start doing a little hum when I'm doing my business. Just humming a little him. But, yeah, now I'm getting older.

I'm 36. My homie stopped partying as much. I actually got sober now. We went out to eat some dinner the other day. And I told him I had acid. Two of them were buckling up for a good time. The other one tossed me some pepto B. I was like, God, man.

I mean, it's true. I'm capable of both. I have the good times and I have the fucking repucks. Damn. That was rough. Dickie. Dickie. I thought you were going to end up on drums by the end of that 60 seconds.

You're moving farther and farther back from the microphone. You understand that that red device is what picks up the sound. It's getting me hotter. I swear to God. Okay. But you have to talk right into the tip of that thing. Oh, okay. Whoa.

Baby boy. What the hell? Yeah, the set may have gone better, but I could hear it perfectly fine. It wouldn't have James McGill. Oh, God. No one says the tip of that thing. I've done this for a while.

I've never heard someone go, you gotta talk right to the tip of that. I'm not used to working the tip like that. Right into the bulbous head, it's the microphone. Put your mouth, hold it by the shaft. It's talking to the tip. That's what's going on, dude. But Dicky, all I was gonna say is there's a lot of setbacks setbacks in this business and there's a lot of things that are going to make you think you

can't keep going but I've never seen anyone I just thought getting it out of the mic stand would one of the bit easier ones to get over because there's going to be so much worse stuff that happens in your dream of being a stand-up comedian oh yeah getting the microphone out of the mic stick dude that thing was scary I was like is this thing working you still haven't taken it out I know grab it touch it yeah oh our powerful, powerful. God, Excalibre over here. Dickie is sweating bullets, ladies and gentlemen.

He is fucking human over here in time. Soking wet. He was dry as hell when he came out. He's dripping at this moment. God damn it. I flew out here. I didn't sleep last night at all. I was nervous as fuck.

Okay. It's okay. Dickie, we're going to get to that. Relax. Oh, man. So how long have you been doing attempting stand-up comedy? Dude, this is like my second time.

Okay, so where was your first time? When was that? It was in Salt Lake. When? Probably six months ago. So six months ago, you did an open mic? Yeah, I was on mushrooms. Okay.

Somehow I did way better. Well, you think you did. You were probably nowhere near the microphone. Magic of mushrooms, I guess, dude. You were probably in the lobby by yourself. At least I was having a good time. Absolutely. So, Dickie, was that at why?

wise guys in Salt Lake City? Yeah, it was a wise guy. Okay, and you're saying that it went well for you. It went pretty well. It didn't... So well that you're like, you know what? I'm going to take six months off and go on the biggest comedy show in the world. That's what the fuck I did.

I was like, no bars, you know? I just went sober and I feel like I'm pretty much invincible almost. Just basically, obviously not, but I feel that way. I feel like I'm some sort of genius as well. I love that. But I'm just not really stupid anymore. It's perfect. Let's check him with James McKay.

Well, I was just... I mean, I know you see. You said you're a Mormon from Salt Lake City, but are you also Hispanic? Because the last few people were Hispanic and you have the same intonation. Ah-da-da-da-da-oo. Buru, no man. No, I'm just a mustache and the tattoo and the... Yeah.

Well, great. Yeah, I'm just a good old white boy from Utah. There's just a vibe. The last three-X, there's a strong vibe tonight. There it is an extremely Latino presence here. Contrary to what... Hey, that's not a haircut, maybe? Oh, Jesus.

All right. Dickie, relax. I figured it out. You know what? Step back from the microphone a little bit. We've got to getting a little too close to that thing. So Dickie, what do you do for work? I'm a bartender and server.

A bartender and a server, but meanwhile, you're saying that you've been sober for how long? About six months. So what made you get sober six months ago? Just a lot of really bad shit. Like what? That's the good stuff. That's what we like to find out about here. I got an accident.

I got an accident. I just... You were drinking and driving? Yeah. Okay. Got a Dewee, which is... What kind of accident? Let's talk about it.

We love... There wasn't a ton of damage or anything. I'd sidestwiped something. Sideswiping the truck. What did you side swipe? Okay, a truck. Yeah. I thought it was...

I thought it was the one girl's mom. Well, that too, dude. If she's in Utah, there's a high chance that. Did you at least step up to the breathalizer? Or were you like... Yeah. I was running... That's where I got that from.

When I'm scared, I just go back in a drug. Sorry, brother. He's literally running into the drum set. Dude, fight or flight. Yeah, yeah, okay. And I did get resisting, so it was more. Okay, tell us about that. Like, take us through the experience.

So you sidestwipe a truck. Do you immediately see lights? Like, what happens? I just fucked up. I was an idiot. I was just like, man, I'm not even drunk. And I was like... Hold on. Again, take us through it.

So you're driving. Do you remember hearing you hit a truck? Do you remember any of it? Yeah, I was like, holy shit. I just hit a truck. Okay. And so it was actually parked illegally. It was sticking out.

But it was my fault. I was an idiot. I was an idiot. I was like, oh, that cars parked illegally. Did you stop and pull over immediately after side swiping the truck? Yeah, because I didn't want to get the fleeing the scene. I literally didn't think I was drunk, so it bucked me over. Okay.

How long until the cop showed up? It was probably like three minutes. It was right downtown, so. Wow. and so you just waited there. Dude, I didn't think I was drunk and I didn't want to get fleeing the scene. But you were more worried about

fleeing the scene than getting a blatant DUI? The truck driver wasn't, the truck, there was no one there. It was just you? What? The truck was parked. No, there was someone in the other truck. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I thought it was parked illegally. Got it. Yeah, it was. It was parked.

Someone was in it. Oh, okay, that's it. Yeah, no, it was stupid. Definitely stupid. What did you, what was your what'd you blow? What did you blow? Now I wish this mic was off. You don't have to say it, but it's funny. I got 0.25.

Oh, shit. You didn't think you were drunk? Wow. That was just another day, dude. That was just another day. I was like 11 a.m. And isn't that Utah alcohol? Was that 11?

No, no. I'd been partying the night before. It was pretty wild, dude. I have some wild stories. That's why you're sweating. You're a pickle. Yeah, because I'm not used to being sober with this much stress.

on me, man. So that's three times over the legal limit. Oh, yeah, bro. Were you on drugs at the time? Um, it's okay. You just gotta let it out now, buddy. Shout out to my probation officer, Tracy. Um, for writing me off on coming over here. You did true him six months ago. Well, yeah, six months ago, but I was, uh, I was on a little bit of boomies and just... What exactly is boommies? Mushers?

Just mushroom, yeah. Okay. You were fine. See, we're three times over the legal limit and on mushrooms. So tell us. And I nailed the test, dude. I swear to God. If you see the footage, if you see the footage, I nailed the test. That's so much worse than if you didn't. If you were at 0.25 and you were getting that, you're slamming that test.

That's so scary. I know. That's why I stopped drinking. What do you have to get to be drunk? You've got to be just one. That was so, I've been checked into the hospital at like 0.4 or something. Yeah. So that's when I was like, and that's not even when I stopped drinking.

I just stopped drinking like six months ago after I got out of jail last time. I was like, man, fuck this shit. So tell us about the resisting arrest that you got on this charge six months ago. They just can't handle a little shit, dude. Like what? Man, they fucked up my dad. I'm going to fuck up theirs, you know? Okay.

You're saying everything except answers to the question right now. I love you didn't flee the scene. No. I'm saying. I'm fine. You're right. I'm staying. I'm not gonna flee,

but I'm gonna stone cold stun this fucking police officer. They didn't want none, dude. I was just chilling. I was just like, kind of telling them take off their fucking body cams and shit, trying to go head up, you know? Like, they weren't. You were going to fight the police?

I would love to, but I can't. That's incredible. The officer is after this dude, backstage. He's ready for me, man. Get stunned before I go back there. You are a wild boy. Yeah, dude. I'm chilling.

I'm still in now, though. I'm so over. I'm not trying to go back to jail no more. Was this comedy set that you did? Was that before or after that open mic at the... The comedy set? Yeah. That was open mic.

That's all I've done is that one time. Now, I'm asking if the charge that you got was before or after you started coming. That one was after. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I don't tell before that, but whatever. Get that out of there.

Wait, what? There's another one? No, it's good. Tell us about that. It's very complete. telling. You're doing... It's very likable. You're very likable. Yeah. You're... It doesn't sound good, dude. No, it's great. You have the best interview of the show so far, right, everybody?

The honesty is bleeding through. I know, like, I'm just, like, ashamed to all my Mormon family. It's great. You've turned your life around. Don't come home. No, it's great. No, I've turned my life around, yeah.

It's good. Okay. So what was the other charge? What else have you been arrested for? I have a couple. Like, it just... What do we want to talk? I had another DUI. I got, like, rated when I was, like, a while ago. You got rated?

Yeah. Oh, fuck, yes. What did you get rated for? Just having fun, dude. Just fucking living life, man. This guy is unbelievable. You have, like, your own thing. I don't know if you, I don't even think you know how funny you accidentally are.

I own Salt Lake and they just, like, they're like, man, we have to arrest them again. They don't like doing it. You know, like, I bring the good times to Sully. Oh, my God. This guy's a fucking machine. So what were they rating you for? Well, that was, okay, this is a story, dude. Okay, here we go.

I got her his straining order against this crazy chick, dude. Uh-huh. Because she kept showing up to my house. So she went so crazy that she reported me to the DEA. Oh, shit. Yeah. For what? Growing mushrooms?

E and a G, dude. They just. No, there's no G in DEA. No, that was it. She's like, this guy's Steve is off the charts. He's gotta be on something. That's all it was. So they raided you and what did they find?

For me? They found that you were a G? No, that's when I found out, dude. I had to find the hard way. But no, dude, I, uh, they hit me with some like weapons charges. And, uh, oh. What kind of weapons? Hold on. This guy is guilty as fuck.

Dude. I rolled with, I did my shit, you know. I still care of it, man. I'm out here reformed. Yeah. What kind of weapons did you... Yeah, Tracy. I'm reformed. Oh, my God.

Oh, Tracy's the probation officer. Yeah. Okay. So what weapons did you have? Just like normal weapons. Like what kind of what's a normal? What? So, like, me personally, I had a couple roommates at the time.

One of them had, like, an AR. I had, like, a shotgun and three pistols. Three pistols. Yeah. Just in case you have to shoot people with both hands and your feet. You just shoot shit for fun, man. Right. It just depends on, like, someone really fucks with you.

It's like, what? You know, it just might get a little AR action. You don't ever know. Absolutely. Fucking wild out there, man. You are so wild. I spent so much time. with you on the interview, it's crazy.

And I, by the way, I don't want to move on. I have like a thousand more questions, but I literally have to for the sake of the format of the show. But I feel like we are just cracking the surface of your wild ass. So sign up again sometime and we'll ask you more questions. There he goes, everybody. That's Dickie, everyone.

Thank you, Shane, Your Legend, Talk, and you, guys. I feel like Dickie's gonna break his sobriety tonight. Be careful out on those streets, everybody. Dickie may have rented a car here tonight. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, everybody. Ronaldo Mercado. So, my name is Ronaldo.

Good to see you guys. I am a Mexican guy. I'm a half. My mom is white. My dad is missing. I was raised by a single mom. My mom had to raise me herself. So she had to be like a single mom.

She had to do both things at the same time, you know? My mom had to fill my dad's shoes, which is hard, you know? Because my mom had to be a mom and a Mexican dad. Do you know how hard that is? My mom had to take me to baseball practice, and then she had to mow the outfield afterwards, okay? I'm serious. My mom had to put a roof over my head, literally.

She built it. She shingled it, okay? My mom had to build a table so she could get paid underneath it, okay? All right? And I think if it was like that for me, that means it's like that for other kids who also have mixed-race parents,

but only have one parent in the house, right? So that means that somewhere out there, there is a black mom who has to be a white dad. And every day she has to go up to her kid and go, hey, you ready, Freddie? Fuck yeah. Rinaldo Mercado, everybody. Fantastic fucking set.

Thank you. You've been on the show a couple times before, right? Yeah. Awesome. It's my third time. I love it. Fantastic. Welcome, welcome.

Thanks for having me. Of course. Yeah. It's the bucket's fault, but yeah. Of course. So tell us, how's life been? What's going on? It's good, man.

Things have been fun. Been doing a roast battle here in the city. Do a roast battle here at the club and I won. It was awesome. It's been fun, man. It's been great. Yeah. Yeah.

I am. What else? How about in, like, real life? Just been boozing a lot. doing a lot of drinking, mostly that. I got so drunk the other night, I went and ordered a toorta from a Mexican food truck. And then I was walking down the street,

and I was trying to find where my Waymo was, but I was looking at my phone with my torta in this hand, and then I tripped and I hit the curb, and I smacked my knee, and I fell really hard. And I fell so hard that some dude behind me was like, yo, are you okay? And I didn't turn around. I was embarrassed.

Did you drop the torta? I did. Tell me there's not a big Hispanic vibe tonight. There is. There is. I can confirm there's definitely a vibe. Contrary to the mainstream news's reports of deportations, they appear to be deporting them to Shakespeare's, the bar next door.

It was what ICE is doing. Shane, what's going on? You cooking up something? No, no, no. He's got the knocked loose on. It's another got goth, Hispanic. Yeah, they are. They're very gothian.

Right, when I was El Nino. Hey, sometimes a fato just gets sad in shit. It's different from Mexican emo guys. Because you guys, right, you white emo, like Shane, Shane's a white emo. He likes corn, right? You listen to corn, but we listen to Iloat. That's good. How you say, counting worms in Spanish?

I'm no salvo. I don't know how to speak that shit. I'm from... I'm from St. Louis. I'm from the Midwest. I've built nothing in my life besides... Santa Louise. Hey, the bintje azouz, way.

Rinaldo, fan. What do you do for work, Ronaldo? I used to work at a Home Depot. Wow. That is true, but now I just... I'm a door guy at the Sunset Strip. I work over there. Oh, look at that. Red Band had that sound effect ready.

Sunset Strip's a real party down there. I love it. Well, Ronaldo, you did fantastic. I'd love that be on the Secret Show Thursday. Absolutely, let's do it. Here you go, Ronaldo. Boom. Ronaldo Mercado, everybody.

We have a regular, ladies and gentlemen, who fucking is awesome. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. You know him, you love him. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin. Makes some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. It's summertime. I love summertime because my white friends show back up.

They go into hiding when it's wintertime. And I just, I miss flexing how good my white friends is, like on the internet. Like, all of my black friends and family, they hit me up after I post a story of me on another jet ski that I didn't just pay for. And they're like, hey, share your white friends with us. And I'm like, no, nils. Y'all don't know how to act. Y'all don't know how to act at all. Like, I got better white friends than white people.

Like, what did you do last weekend? I was at WrestleMania. I was at WrestleMania because my white friends took me. It was a great time. So I finally decided to take my brother out to a sandbar party. Sandbar is this thing that happened in the ocean and, like, a piece of land come up, and then you take a boat over there,

and then you get to claim the land. Right? So I'm really giving my brother his 40 acres in a mule. Right? I'm really just putting on for him. And after about 40 minutes of arguing with that, nigga, he finally took his Air Force ones off at the beach. Right. Because he looked me dead in my eyes and he was like, ain't nobody going to see my toes. Right? And I respect boundaries. And so this nigga, he got his socks in the sand. And when you had a sandbar, it's important that went like another group of white people come. You got to fight these niggins to the dead.

You got to play like beer pong and flip cup. And then the loser got to, they got to go. And they was real happy to have two black friends there. Nigger, we held the island the whole day. Because like the week before, they was like, yo, Dedrick, when you coming out, we just lost six islands. You know what I'm saying? They brought their black friend.

You were supposed to be here, you know, suit up. That's my time. Dedrick Flynn with another brand new, one minute 55 seconds. Always working overtime every single week. You did it again, Dedrick. What are sandbars like? I've never actually been to one. Oh, bro, you got to...

I'll introduce you to my white friends. It's literally just like a mini beach. Take like a boat out there? Yeah, we take the boat. We got like kegs of beer. And like we have our own bar. We got like bring out like the portable speaker and just... party on that like beach bars.

Okay. It's a lawless country. Sounds like fun. But there's water all around you, right? Yeah, yeah. I don't get in that. Right. I do the drinking games like that.

When we play like Dizzy Bat, you know what Dizzy Bat is? Uh-uh. Oh, let me fucking tell you. You take a plastic baseball bat and you cut it off by the handle and you got to pour a beer in there and then you chug it and however any seconds it take you to chuck it. you gotta put the bat on your head and spin around and then niggas throw the can at you

and if you hit it, you good, but if not, you gotta go again. Oh shit. I mean this totally out of respect. Can you swim? No. I don't, I ain't really looked at. I get it.

I take, I'm the white guy that takes some black guys out on boats sometimes, not like Tony would, but... But then we start drinking, they start getting confident getting confident in their swimming ability. I put that vest on. And they jump in. At first they're like holding on the side boat like, no, no, no, no, no.

And drink five, they're like, I can swim pretty good. And then I gotta save them. Bigisorah. Yeah. It's fucking Lamarra and Nate. Yeah. It really is. They're tough to wrangle.

I can imagine why deep in the genetic memory, black guys might not want to get on a white guy's boat. That was cheap, I apologize. Don't bring that up. Okay. Bring that up. Well, because I didn't do it, so it's funny to me, but you guys did. Yeah, but what you guys do.

We don't want to talk about what we did. It wasn't great, what we did. Hey. I know exactly what you did. They eradicated an entire, whatever. Aborigines? Yeah, yeah. You all love taking them out.

Well, we say sorry sometimes. It was also like the 70s. Crazy when they did it. Like men down under came out, or met at work came out like while that was happening. Got to have a good soundtrack when you're doing a genocide. I don't know what to tell you.

Vietnam. That shit rock. Hell yeah. What a cool Eddie Guerrero shirt you'll wear. I just want to say. That is true. Viva! That was good. You tricked me.

I was high enough for that. Damn. Dedrick, you did it again. Another fantastic two minutes. We love you, Dedrick. It goes on and on. Later, buddy. Your next bucket pool, everybody, goes by the name of,

oh, how about one more time for Heidi, everyone? There's the lovely Heidi. And we're gonna keep it moving. Your next bucket pool, 60 seconds on interrupted. It goes to Brandon Fields, everybody. Here comes Brandon, everyone. My guy. I am high as alien pussy right now.

Don't smoke weed before you do this. I'm telling you, it's not a good thing. Anyway, my name is Brandon. Yeah, I'm a black guy with a white name. So, I mean, believe it or not, I get judged more about what kind of phone I have more than being black these days. Believe that?

It's like, oh, you got an Android? Oh, this ugly nigger got an Android. I can't take it. Why y'all judge people off of their phones, man? Because I got an iPhone and I'm not cool. Because I don't have an iPhone and I'm not cool. Maybe. All right, fuck y'all.

Anyway, yep, I got a white name. A white thing about me. I could swim. Unlike that dude on house arrest, that just left the stage. He was actually on house arrest, so I saw that angle monitor and shit. Thank you. I'm Brandon.

Okay, Brandon Fields. Welcome to the show, Brandon. You did nothing. Let's talk about it. How long you've been doing stand-up? On and off for like three years. For three years. Where at? What part of Tampa or Atlanta, exactly?

Actually, I started in Colorado. Oh, wow. Yeah, Colorado Springs and Denver, and now I'm here. Okay. What were you doing in all these white plays? I was in the military. I was in the Army. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. What were you doing in the Army? Shooting shit.

Bombing. Hell yeah. Yeah. Folks. Shit. Amazing. Did you ever fight overseas? I did not. I didn't want to because I joined at an older age. I was 32 when I joined.

32. So what's the craziest thing you did when you were in the military? What's the hardest thing? Well, we had a course. We had a cool night shoot with big 50 cows and white hot scope and stuff like that and all night out there and blowing shit up. Yeah. So that was pretty cool. Where do you live now? I live in close to Maynard.

Maynard, Texas. Yes. How far is Maynard? About 15, 18 minutes. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's not far. All right. So you're doing comedy in Austin a lot?

Not that much. I'm on and off. This is actually my first time signing up. You always wear that hat? Do you always look like someone dip the Gordon's face? fisherman in chocolate. Is that hat your thing? Are you attached to the hat?

I mean, I'm trying to get used to it, but I have a big forehead, so. Can we see it? Do you mind showing it to us? The world wants to see that big forehead. All right, fuck it. Oh, shit. Oh.

See? Oh. You shut your ass up. Michael Goodson. I saw you coming outside. I know you part, motherfucker. Michael Gonzalez with a very loud goddamn when he saw that forehead.

Yep, I'm kinda used to it. So you're fighting the good fight with the forehead. Yeah. Wow. When did that start? Was that recent? No, that was from birth. Oh, okay. You always had a big forehead. I kind of dropped his elbow in the back of my fucking head and shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Came out the front. Absolutely. So what do you do for work now? Actually, I just quit my job last week. What was the job? I was a salesman. What were you selling? Flooring, tile, hardwood floors, stuff like that.

Okay. You weren't good at it? No. No. How long did you do that for? About a year since I got here. And I worked at like flooring decor and shit before, so selling floors and shit. Did you quit real professionally?

Did you give like a two-week notice or was it like that day? You see, I'm black, right? Well, I mean, I know. I'm just setting you up. Hell no. I quit right on the spot. Actually, my manager, my old manager, he watches this show at work all the time, so he's probably going to see this. Sorry, bro, I had to quit.

Got a better job. What was the last straw? What made you quit on that day? I just didn't feel like it no more. And I got another job, so. What's the new job? New job selling tires. Okay.

All right. Hey, selling tires. Yes, sir. I think you'd be good at that since you kind of look like one. Yeah, I'll start tomorrow, so... Hell yeah. It's gonna be a good year for you. Come on.

Come on, folks. Toyo, you didn't. That was a tire joke. What? It was good. Yeah, yeah, I got it. It was good. Speaking of tires, season three, still out on.

Netflix. Coming soon. Did you make any money with the flooring thing? No, I got it sucks. You can, it's commission and stuff. Yeah, I tried to sell bathtub. Yeah. Fucking $0.

I worked there. I didn't make a single dollar. Yeah, I've been pretty broke. They just trick people at Home Depot. They're like, do you want us to come remodel your house? And they're like, yeah, sure. You're the dumbest people on earth say yes. And then you got to drive to their house and be like, I can design you a bathroom.

There you go, $48,000. Get out of my house. No, I never let Home Depot design your shit. I was just a shitty salesman. I don't know. I'm a short black shit that looked like he'll see. steal your shit. So, yeah. I think you're gonna be a great tire sales.

I think you're gonna, you could sell anybody a pair of tie. Yeah. You gotta believe in yourself. You gotta, I was a great door-to-door salesman. I sold cable television after Netflix had been invented. That's not easy. But I believe in you, you gotta look them in the eye. And you gotta say, you better fucking buy these tires or I'm gonna kill your family.

Yep. Like I said, I'm black, bro. I can't do something like that. Are you from Colorado Springs? Hell no. I'm from Florida. Oh, okay. Wait, I was right. Yeah, the Army.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Close to Tampa? Fort Lauderdale. Yeah. Close to Miami. Close enough. Yeah. Yeah, close enough.

Amazing. So, have you practiced selling tires yet? Are you prepared for this? No, I don't mean, how hard can it be? You got a flat tire? I got a new one here. I agree. You made everyone in the room tired in just 60,

There's more, I've had tires sold to me in this country. You've got to do the pitch. You really, you got to go, well, we can give you these cheap tires. I guess that's fine if you're ready to spin off the road and die. I guess if you're ready to accidentally side swipe a truck that's parked badly, or have your mother explode in a car accident. I guess those are the tires you could get. Or you get these fancy tires.

I don't know. You got upsell. Shit, man. You want to help me out on my first day? No. Brandon, let me ask you a question. What's up? What do you think is the whitest thing about you? Like in your daily routine or at home or something like that or even maybe your nightlife?

What's something that you do that you think might be the whitest thing about you, Brandon Fields? I actually don't know, man. I'm pretty black, bro. Okay. Well, then let me ask the follow-up question. I can swim like- Oh, okay, perfect. We'll count that.

All right. Here's the good part. What's the blackest thing about you? Um, got a couple charges. Don't rob the couple niggas. And back in my day, back in my, I'm too open. What did you do with the friends of yours? I missed that part.

I robbed a couple people, maybe, no. Okay, how did you do that? Did you do that with a weapon perhaps or no? No, I just steal this shit. Oh, shit. Why did I not look at? I was a petty thief. I wasn't good at it, okay?

What's the most you ever got in a thievery? Um, I actually got like $600 one time. Whoa. Not bad, that's pretty good. Yep. Was that off of a white woman? Yes. How did you know?

I'm sick of you talking yourself down. You're saying I'm bad at selling floor, I'm bad at selling tires, I'm bad at rubbing a white woman. I think you were good at robbing that white woman. I think you focus, you set your mind to it, you do anything you want. Damn it!

Just out of my own curiosity, even though I should end this now. What was the situation with this white woman? Just out of curiosity. Was it at a bar? Was it at a beach? What was going on? I was working security at a mall. Uh-huh. And, uh...

Perfect. The leasing. It was an inside job. That was great. Hell yeah. She lost her wallet. Ah. And I found it. Yeah. Did she report it to you?

No. She was reported to the store and I'm like, oh yeah, I have a wallet. Here you go. That's no robbery. Oh, I thought you stole it from the lost and found. Yeah. Well, you want you to grow to have the self-combe. to have the self-confidence to threaten to kill a bitch.

Damn it. You never sold from a loss and phone? No. Why not, man? It's free shit. Well, I might rummage through on the way out here. I never thought of that before. Do we have a Lusting fan at the club? I shouldn't talk about it.

Brandon, you are leaving here with a small black joke book. So it goes along with your everything. But sign up again. All right. We're going to keep it moving along here. And gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Lucas Hinderlider, everybody. Here comes Lucas Hinderlider. Yep.

Yeah, that's a Lucas Hinderlider. Thank you guys. My name's Lucas. I had a weird day today. I walked into a porta potty that didn't have any toilet paper in it. Yeah. So I walked out of that porta potty wearing only one sock. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I had to wipe with the rest of my clothes. y'all ever do that y'all ever walk out of a porta potty with a sock on your dick oh you thought it was on my foot oh no it was it was on my dick it's good to be here I was hanging out my grandpa recently my grandpa's getting old

I was in his room recently I found a box in his room it was labeled the barely legal porn yeah now in 2026 barely legal porn is 18 year old girls but my grandpa so old that it was all just interracial. Thank you. Fantastic. A genuinely good joke.

Lucas, Tinder lighter. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Have you been on this show before, Lucas? Yes. I remember you. Welcome back. How's everything been going on?

Fine. I love it. How long have you been doing stand up? Ten years. On and off, 10 years. Okay, very good. Where at? I started in St. Louis.

Mm-hmm. and I did in New York for a while. Mm-hmm. Now I'm here. How long have you been here? About two years. What do you do for work? I sell motorcycles for a living.

Ooh, interesting. One of the more interesting things we've heard being sold tonight. How do you do that? What's your pitch? Do you want to get pussy, dude? Fuck yeah. I'd be like, no. No way.

No. What about a side car? Oh, what a dream. That is your fucking dream. Yeah, you should get a motorcycle and I'll ride in the side car, dude. Come on. You love those fucking rickshaw bike rides. You won't be in a sidecar so badly.

I love petty cats. Actually, sidecar would be in a sidecar. Yeah. I would like to be in a side car. I'm just being a regular car. My size, yeah, whatever. I love it. Lucas, you got a girlfriend?

Yeah. Okay. Does she do comedy too? No, she's a musician. Ooh, what kind of musician is she? Like, you know, white girl, sad music. I love it. Yeah.

She's successful? Yeah, she's got a boob job today. Whoa. Yeah. Red Band wants to know her Instagram account. Her music must be great. Yeah. I like, how big.

You've never had a better opportunity to help her career and give her a shout out. And you've gone straight to fresh new tits. Check out her Instagram. Yeah, her music's fucking whatever. but she did get new tits, so her career was about to take off. Red Band had a good question. How big did she go with the tits?

I don't think too big. Yeah, I don't know. I told her I didn't want her to get them. I protest. Yay. Wow. Why? That's exactly what she said. She called me gay.

What was your theory on not wanting her to get a boob job? We haven't even been dating that long. We've been dating like three months. And I just got used to her body. Now she's about to change it. I don't know. Right. You're scared.

What size? Yeah, here's what I'm scared of. I'm scared. She is way hotter than me. Yeah. I'm scared. Yeah, she's going to leave me. Right.

That makes sense. But maybe she wants to please you. Have you seen them yet? I have. No, she just got out like a couple hours ago. She's going to be so mad at this. It's okay. No, she's not going to be.

So you have seen the new tits? I have not. Okay. So you must be excited. Are you going to see them tonight? I don't think that's how. I think she's bandaged up or something. I don't want to see like stitches and shit, you know.

Wow. I don't know how they do it though. Maybe they just aired them up. Could be. They don't have stitches. They don't have stitches. And you have to massage them for a couple months. So you get-

Yeah, you are so fucking weird. See? Why would you know anything about that? He knows everything about it. My ex did that. But she left you after the tiths? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's not a good sign, but whatever. It's coming. Yeah. Amazing. So, you don't want to see stitches or any damage whatsoever. Man, I don't, I'm afraid, like, I know they're going to look fine, but, like, that first picture, I'm afraid they're going to look crazy. Like, I don't know, like, Lopsider or some shit.

She lives in Canada, so it was, like, free health care tits. Oh. Those taxpayer tits. Yeah, those are. Yeah. That's ridiculous. Yeah. I told her to go to Mexico.

She went to Canada. She went the other way. Free tits. You might be the one leaving her. Yeah. No, she's way too good for me. She lives in Canada full-time? Yeah.

So you're in a long-distance relationship. Yeah. She got a tit-up? What's that? Yeah. You guys are not together. Yeah. At all.

I'm sorry to tell you that. We met after my last appearance on here. She slid in my DMs after morning. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. So what do you guys do? You like FaceTime?

Well, so, I don't know. She's been here like three times in the last three months. I just pay for tickets for her to fly here. Wow. You make that much money selling motorcycles? No. No. Sure don't.

Finance that shit. And with the, oh, they were free tits. That's right. Yeah. But she didn't tell you what size she was going to. No, she knew I didn't like it. So she just hasn't talked to me about it. Oh, I hope they're like those obnoxiously huge tips.

Oh, I hope so. I hope they're like anime, giant fake tiffs. Like the ones in your newly banned AI videos. Cat bread. All right. Lucas Hinderleiter. What are your parents like? Because the Hinderleaders seem like they would be

and going off of your complexion, the whitest white people of all time. Yeah, my grandpa was German. My grandma was British. my mom's dead she How did mom die? Crack

Wow That's a theme tonight It was drug-elated I don't know I didn't ask too many questions She was kind of wild Interesting How recently did that happen

Four years ago Five years ago Amazing She have good tits Red Man That is a crazy question to ask And it's disrespectful to the people that come on this show,

spilling their soul and their spirit. Did she have good tits? They let me keep the implants after they cremated her. Whoa. And you sent them up north. You FedExed them right up to Ottawa. But, so your mom OD'd at like fucking 60 years old? She was like 40.

My parents... Wait, how old are you? I'm 31. And your mom was nine when she gave first to you? She was like 40 something. Nine. I had young, dumb parents. Yeah.

Wow. Damn. Yeah. How old was she? Wait. How old was she? She was like 46 or something? Oh, okay.

And I guess you were probably 20. 26. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. She liked to party. She was fun.

Yeah. She was cool. She did it. She just, uh, party to life. Were her and your dad still together when this happened? No, no. No. My dad was military and it was a whole.

It never, it never worked. So, you know. Well, Lucas, very funny set. I loved it. Here's a big joke book. Good luck. Hell yeah. On a very Latino episode indeed, we have our second Gonzalez of the night.

Our third Gonzalez on stage tonight. Make some noise for Matt Gonzalez, everybody. What's up? I'm fat and I'm Mexican. My friends call me. me, oh, Zempsic. Now, being Mexican, obviously I grew up Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I'd always have, like, the old ladies at church, they'd be like, miho, that I pinch my cheek, meho. One of these days, you're going to grow up, and you're going to be a priest. I don't

know how to tell them. I don't want to fuck kids. Like, that's not my journey, and that's definitely not. My cross to bear. God's plan for me was to fuck of age white women. And it's going pretty good. I can't lie. It's going pretty good.

I have a girlfriend. It's sick as fuck. She's white as hell. I give her a good dick. She gives me a green card. Thank you. That's my time. All right. Matt Gonzalez. You've been on the show a couple times

before right yes sir welcome back thank you what's changed in your life since the last time you were on um last time i was on i was trying to save money to like get out of the hammock and i want to say yeah you were sleeping in a hammock for how long uh like a year and a half two years god that's so bad for your back so where are you still in the hammock uh no i want to say through hard work and determination you guys can own two hammocks you have a second hammock now no This is a joke. I got a bed. I leveled up, a whole bed.

Regular bed. What size? Full. Wow. Look at you. Totally split. Skip the twin. Amazing. Skip the crib, too. That counts. Incredible.

Probably the first person out of the bucket tonight that has a full-sized bed. Incredible stuff. What do you do for work, Matt? I am a mechanical designer and shit with AutoCad. It's kind of dumb and gay. Okay. Cool. What do you do for fun? I like to go fishing. I don't know. You go fishing a little bit. What else?

Golf. I try to be white as hell, honestly. Why? So, you know, they don't deport me. Why would you be deported? Weren't you born here? Yeah, but I mean, I know what I look like. Yeah, they get some mix-ups every once in a while. Yeah. I just sent a guy from Maryland to Venezuela. He's like,

oh, fuck, I play golf. I listen to Knocked Loose. Do you like heavy metal? Are you a Mexican goth as well? No. You're not? I wish I was, dude. No, all right.

What type of music are you into? I listen to, like, I don't know, I call it Desert Rock, you know, like... You guys are fucking weird. What's Desert Rock? Desert Rock, you know, like shit you'd listen to and, like, you know, like America, you know, You know, it's like that one fucking horse song. Like, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.

Yeah, come on. You don't act like I don't... Wait, are you saying that the whole genre is just songs about the desert? Yeah. Name one other desert wrong song. A fucking Hotel California. I don't know.

Wow. I don't know that there's a desert mentioned in that song. Yeah, but I get it. You know what I mean, right? Yeah. Are you trying to say that you like the Eagles? Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.

As you could... On a dark desert highway. Yes. That is a lyric. It's literally you like songs with the word desert in it. Yeah. I thought it was dessert at first, but... Amazing.

Matt, what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now? Probably like, it's nothing really weird. I don't know, just like some impanadas or something. No, there is. Think about it for a second. I'll give you a second to think about it. Think about the door. Or perhaps a condiment and odd thing.

I don't know. Like, I live with my grandpa and my brother. Perfect. So. So what's in the fridge? I don't know. I haven't gone in there. I know they're in my bathroom, though.

There's some weird shit. Like what? I saw my roommates' sex toy. It was like a little cock ring in the shower. You live with your... Did you live with your Ehrmano and your puppy? Wait. Wait, who's...

Wait, it was a cock ring? I thought it was gonna be a fleshlight or something. You found one of them... A cold ring for the penis? Yeah. You found your grandpa's cock ring in the shower? Yeah. Really? Did you ask him about it?

No, it was either my brothers or my grandpa's, so... How old's your grandpa? He's like 87. God damn. Fuck yeah. What's his phone number? He's like, really? the Titanic with the

Cockering at the bottom of the sea. His social security card was on like stone. All right, what the fuck, guys? No, that's something. They were right. Yeah, that was crazy. Crazy to go from a cock ring to that.

You found a cockering? Yeah, it was on my shampoo. So, let me ask you, Matt. War it into the shower? I don't know. I don't want to ask those questions. man. What makes you think it was a cock ring? What is that even... I mean, I know what they look like. How? How do you know what they look like?

I got one myself. A matching? You have a cockering? Yeah, I did. I did at one point, yeah. That's crazy that you're not talking about with this with the fan... Cock rings are not so common that we... Not at all. You just all accidentally have a cock ring. You know, there's got to be something deep in the blood, calling out for this family that loves having a cock ring around the place. I've never used a cockering once. I've never seen it. You're missing out, honestly. Who introduced cock rings to the family?

Did a cockring salesman come to the door? There's a little secret Santa at the house? You guys pass around. Oh, well, you got me a cockering, thank you. You got me a cock ring last. Wow. So, I believe you said that you, at one point, you had a cock ring, and now you no longer have one.

you take your cockering. You'd cast it into the fire. More, more. If you push your cocks together, Shazam comes out of them. Sorry. Yeah. How many cock rings are in your fucking house right now? Captain Planet jumping out at the family reunion.

Anyway. What may you... Your family, your grandpa has that Michael Jordan photo, like... Six fucking rings. What made you take your cockering out? I had to throw it away, dude. Why? I don't understand. It was a little disgusting and a little too powerful.

So tell us what you mean by that. Like it had like one of those like little like little pill-shaped things on top of it. You know, you know, we don't know. You are a cockering master. You are the Frodo of Cockering. You are the Lord of the Cockerings. You are Johnny Cockering. You are Johnny Cockering.

So tell us what you mean. Describe this. The ring doesn't it? That's not, bitch. It must be my grandpa's. No, so it was like one of those cock rings that had like a small vibrator on it as well. And you were just too good at sex? Is that what you're trying to say right now?

No, I'm saying I need it. I needed a little help, that's all I'm saying. Look, we got, well, hold on, you gotta tell me about this thing. How powerful and good is it? Why shouldn't it be mine? Believe it or not, I actually didn't know what a cockering was, it turns out. I thought we were talking about a piercing of some kind the entire time. It's fucking nuts.

Yeah. This is weirder than a fucking piercing. Now, he has... brought it up, and I'm realizing that a cockering is actually the thing that you like strap around your balls and then the shaft of the base of the shaft of your penis. Is this correct?

I must be doing it wrong then. How are you doing it? What are you talking about? What do you mean? You just go around the shaft, that's what I thought. You just have one that squeezes around your shaft? Yeah. Okay.

To keep it hard? Yeah, what do you use this for exactly? Not really my stuff. It's, you know, it's got the vibrator on it. That's why I had it. Okay, so you had... Well, something extra. For the ladies.

Yes. So you would put it around the shaft of your penis and then flip a switch. Hold on. No. No offense. Were you getting a lot of pussy? No.

Okay. No offense. So the occasional you'd get some pussy, you'd go, hold on. on one second. You go, wait till you fucking see this. I had to turn it on first. And how did these fat white women...

How did they feel about it? Don't, that's mean and nasty. I don't like that, dude. My girlfriend's really nice. No, no, no. I'm not saying her. I was saying the previous ones when you had the ring. I would never disrespect. Oh, yeah, those, yeah.

Yeah, fat white, yeah. So like, you would literally bust this thing. And let's say you just met a girl and you're lucky enough to have her back to your place on your hammock or whatever at the time. You would literally, I'm just trying to confirm our beliefs here. This was hammock days, right? It was pre-hammock days.

Pre-hammock. What the fuck were you sleeping on before? Newspapers? What's going on here? This was before I got evicted from the bed and then I got, you know, a hammock. Okay, so you had a bed at the time in which you were turning, flipping the switch.

Yeah. Okay. And so there were times in which it would be like a one-night stand or whatever, someone that you just met. Mm-hmm. Okay. Now, yeah, correct. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Bro. That's fucking nuts. It's actually just above the nuts. Yeah. Tony. Folks. Hey, come on. That tickled.

I did not tickle him. Did you ever, did it, so in the, was the shower in the morning when you saw the cockering? It was at night. Okay. I wasn't sure if your grandpa passed out with the cockering on. Still buzzing and got the shower. I was like, oh, shit, I forgot. So one could assume that this was your grandpa's cockering and that perhaps he was jerking off in the shower while simultaneously using the vibration, while trying to hold out or something like that.

I mean, it's one of two. people. Okay, right. So it's either the brother or your grandpa. It runs in the family. It's a lot like Teen Wolf. I don't know if you guys have seen Teen Wolf where Michael J. Fox reveals to his father that he's been turning into a wolf and the father shows him, he indeed is also a wolf. This is a Cockray. It's in the bathroom. It's in the bathroom. It is in the bathroom. It's a bathroom mirror and it opens on the dads who looks a lot like James McCann, by the way. The dad, pull up the dad in Teen Wolf. It's shockingly looks like James McCann. that your granddaddy took that opportunity to hand the cock ring down to you. Look, it's James and Cam.

That is incredible. Yeah, you look like Dean Wolf's dad. Here, you got to just zoom it. Oh, you can't really. You got to, fuck. Oh, there's no. Well, fuck it. You look like a hairy guy.

Yeah. That's what you look like, James. Wait, have you and your brother discussed cock rings? Nope. You guys have just both stumbled upon it equal, like, No, I don't, I don't bring it up. I don't say anything. Do you have your brother?

Do you have your brother's phone number? Can we call your brother right now? How many do you think we should call his brother? We are in overtime in this interview. This has gone on way too long. I think it's time we solve problems because let me remind you. If the brother says that that's not his cock ring, that means it is the grandfather's cock ring, ladies and gentlemen.

And then we will have to call the grandfather. Can we get, can we unlock Matt Gonzalez's phone, please? Oh my gosh. All right, so here's what we're going to do, Matt. When you hit send on that, hand me the phone, and I'll flip it on, and you can put it on speaker because I have to put it to the base of the phone, much like a cock ring. Here we go. We are calling.

From the base. Down to the base of it. Hello? Hey, Sammy, how are you? Good. What's up? Good. I'm here with your brother. This is Kill Tony. You are on a lot.

live podcast right now. I just want to warn you. And your brother's crushing on stage. He's 14 minutes into an interview and we have a crazy question to ask you. This is a lot like who wants to be a millionaire phone a friend. But was it A, your grandpa? But. B. B. Yours. So here is the situation, Sammy. Your brother, Matt, was in the shower recently and we know that you live together with your grandpa. So can you hear me okay Sammy? Yeah. Okay, here we go. There's a big question happening because we found out that your brother once owned a cock ring and he had to and then he threw it out. He no longer has the cock ring. And the other day he was in that was very recent, right? Yes. The other day he was in the shower.

So we are curious because it's either your car. cockring that he found in the shower, or it's your grandfather's cockering. Freak moles. Hold on, Sammy. We can't hear you. The crowd's going too crazy. Okay, what were you? Hold on.

What were you just saying, Sammy? We haven't heard anything since you said it was yours. Go ahead. I was just wondering which one it was. Oh, my God. How many different ones do you have, Sammy? Well, there's one that just goes around everything. There's one that just goes around the balls.

Holy shit. Shit, which one? Matt, can you describe to your brother the cock ring that you saw? It was black and it said ox balls on it. Do you recall having one that's black that says ox balls on it? Yes, I do. Wow. Sammy, what was that doing in the shower?

Sometimes you just got to clean it off with your body, too. Wow. You just shower together with everything on. It's like when you got to be. bathers after a chlorine pool. You gotta leave the cockering on. And then according to your brother, you decided to put your cockering on his shampoo bottle.

What was the purpose of that exactly? Honestly, I didn't know that was his. Maybe it's just to show dominance, I don't know. Wow. Sammy, thank you so much for answering these questions. The crowd loves you. Thank you for taking part. We'll talk to you soon, Sammy.

unbelievably entertaining. Cool, brother. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the Lord of the Cockrings? Matt Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a big joke book, buddy. Wrap your cockering around that when you get home.

All right. Everybody, your next bucket pool is one of our favorite co-producers around here. Someone that helps out with the show all the time. Make some noise for Dusty. Dusty Carter, everybody. He's back.

Dusty Carter. After a bit of self-reflection, turns out I too am racist. Because if you're not the human race, I don't like you. I don't like AI. I don't like robots. I don't like humanoids. I don't like cyborgs, Waymos, or Rumba's. Basically, if you ain't got blood vessels, we ain't friends.

What do I look like hanging out with a bunch of wired beings? If I want to be around a bunch of wired bands, I'd have kept cooking meth. Speaking of drugs, they've been talking about legalizing marijuana in America, and I've got one problem with that. This new generation will never understand the prohibition. They will never remember peeling apart Mexican brick weed. They won't know the frustration of sifting seeds for five minutes to roll a joint. They won't even know what it tastes like to smoke the resin out of your bomb,

because that asshole won't answer his phone. Other than that, I'm okay with it. That's my time. Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Did you say wired beans? Wired beans. Like, beans, things that exist. Got it, got it, wired beans.

Got it. I couldn't hear that correctly. Fun set, Dusty. How's it going? How's it going? Good, good. Had a blast at WrestleMania last weekend. Hell yeah.

Hold on. I'm looking at this fat guy ducking to try to try. That's a fool. That's a lot of work. That's a lot of work. That stressed him out. Yeah.

No doubt about it. Yeah, WrestleMania was fun. We were there. I want you to know how hard it is to walk a fat guy. Yeah. The last thing he wants to do is leave, and your set made him go,

all right, I've had enough. Or it made him hungry. He may have heard wired beans, and he's like, oh, I need some beans. Amazing. So, Dusty, tell us more about your life. You used to cook meth, right?

Yes, yes, I did. I was an interest in being and myself in a former life. You were a bean? Yes, I was a bean. Not the one in Chicago that you found out about recently. I know nothing about the bean.

We talk about the meth stuff every time I'm on here, but we never talk about the fact that the only chocolate I eat has a pulse. Really? Wow. Let's talk about that. I've been with a black woman for six years now. The same black woman for six years?

Yes. Wow. What that be like? The reason I brought it up is you always ask that question, and these guys are always talking about the difference. The true difference between a black woman and a white woman, when a black woman buys you something, she expects you to wear it, and she will remind you every time you get ready to go out that you should wear it.

but she also reminds you if you entertain any compliments, you will be buried in the same fucking thing. Wow. A white woman will buy you some shit, never say nothing about it, and next thing you know you wake up on snapped. What do you mean on snapped? You know the show where white women killed her.

Oh. Yeah. They trip. They trip? Got it. They trip? Yeah, white bitches be crazy. White bitches be tripping?

Yeah. But there's certain things you have to. to know when you're with a black woman. Like you have to know what setting spray is. What's setting spray? It's a special spray that the ladies use after they do their makeup kind of seals it up. Clear coat and a paint job, if you will.

Oh, wow. That's very interesting. Because if they're not wearing it, you end up fucking looking like the love child of Jimmy Kimmel and Justin Trudeau. Oh, blackface. Yeah. God. And when you're out in the public and you realize

she's not wearing setting spray, the first thought you have is she trying to have me killed or canceled. Damn. Very interesting. Where did you meet this black woman at? She was a military lady, and we met on the internet. Okay. When first date, what was that like? We went to a comedy club.

Was that the first black woman that you've been with? No, sir. Okay. Wow. Look at you. You ever wear a cockering, Dusty? Yes. Wow.

Look at this. We are the last to the Cochering Party. Shane, how about you? I was back there listening thinking I could explain this whole story Grandpa can't keep it up He wrapped it but it turned out wasn't Grandpa How many members of the band are there

One two three four five six seven Who's used a cock ring? This is a sample sign I know you were good Ed Carlo Sosa over there Definitely Hell yeah Of course he did

This is more common than I expected I, you never see a cock ring in a pornogram? D-Madness. You ever use a cock ring? No. Yeah. Fuck yeah, D-Madness. One, how many cock rings have you had, Carlos?

Only one. And you still have it? No. Wow. You got rid of it. Yeah, I guess. I don't remember what happened. Oh my god, this...

You lost it in the couch? Yeah. What do you mean? I think I lost mine in the divorce. divorce. I don't remember. Oh, shit. All right, Dusty. Well, we love you.

You have fun times. There goes Dusty Carter, everybody. We'll see him again. All right. Here's another bucket pool. This looks like an interesting one. Make some noise for James Swanson, the third, everybody. Make some noise for James, everybody.

I recently got engaged to the woman of my dreams. Love is blind, and it is also three feet, six inches. I fell in love with the midget. I can only handle half of a woman's problems. When we go out on dates, I carry her in the front pack like a little baby kangaroo. We always get our 50% off discount. And we only have short arguments.

But the best part is my dick looks huge next to a midget. First time I've ever been in two hands at the same time. And I feel like a giant because when I'm standing up giving her the money shot, she's standing up too like she's in the shower. We only got one problem, Austin. She's always trying to 69, but she can only 3rd to 4.5. So while she's sucking my dick, I'm licking her kneecaps.

Don't laugh. Like, kneecaps is delicious. I just put a little honey on them. That's my time. James Swanson, the third. Yes, the third. Welcome. Thank you.

Is this true? You're really with a mitchet? Yes, I like shorter people than me. Oh my God, that is incredible and very hard to find. I know. You do look like unsuccessful Kevin Hart. Well, not after tonight, Tony. That's right. The star is born.

James Swanson, the third. Yes. And you're currently, you're in love with a midget? No, I just made the joke. Oh. I wanted to sing T. Ping. I'm in love with a midget. She's short, and she's short.

That's good. Yeah. Amazing. James Swanson, the third. How old are you? I am 53. How long you been doing stand-up? I started like, I first touched at Mike.

2011, but I fell off. I got in and out of it, in and out of it. But I've been really serious about it the last three years. Okay. You live here in Austin? No, I'm traveling from Las Vegas. You live in Vegas. Yes.

What do you do in Vegas? Uber driver. Why did you smile and hesitate there for a second? Because I quit a six-figure job to follow my dream, so... Wow. What was the... amazing. What was the job that you quit? I sold a timeshare upgrades in Las Vegas. Time share upgrades?

Yes. Wow. People actually like time share. The crowd... That's who I saw. Everyone was like, he quit a six-figure job! What a bold man on a dream! And then they're like, you sold time share.

And they go, what a fucking piece of shit. This guy... I've never heard so. I don't know what the fuck his problem is. I don't know. Me either. No, if I go, fuck him up. Teen wolf, dad, looking ass.

James Swanson the third, this is incredible. James Swanson the third means that you knew your father, right? I did. And that your father knew his father. Yes. That is incredible. Three generations in a row. That's like a power ball or something like that.

Yeah, that's the trifector, yeah. I'm a trifect. Absolutely amazing. Do you have any kids, James? I do not. Okay. How have you gone avoiding that your whole life? Well, I'm still a kid, so.

I love it. Kids can't raise kids. Amazing. Amazing. A 53-year-old child you are. What do you do that's so childlike, James? I just like to have fun. Like what?

Well, recently I've been working out. I'm getting my shit together. Like the last three years, I don't smoke weed. I don't drink anymore. I go to the gym every day. every day. I lost 84 pounds. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Red band's on pace to do that. It'd be six with only sandwiches.

Are you doing sandwiches? How did you lose your weight? What kind of diet did you do? Well, I just had bad habits. I drank a lot. I smoked weed. I ate, you know, ate after dark. I'm just 53 years old. You got to get your shit together. Yeah. Was there something that happened that made you have this great awakening? I videotape everything I do on stand-up, and I watched myself, and I really love comedy, and I want to take it as far as it can go. And I was on a thin line of being laughed at or laughed with. So that was it.

I love comedy more than anything, so I gave all that shit up. Amazing. Yeah. What did you replace it with, just comedy? Is there any other vices or anything that you're into? Guilty pleasures? I go to sometimes twice a day, but, and I drive Uber because, I mean, with the six figures and going to five figures, you just got to work a lot harder.

What's the craziest thing in Vegas that's ever happened in your Uber? What's the wildest shit you've ever seen? That place is absolutely nuts. Nuts. So I dodge all the nutty drivers I drive half time in the morning and a little bit in the evening, but I had this I swear to God this lady was like a lunch teacher I mean a lunch lady

At high school But she had a hell of a night in Vegas And She got in my car So I waited for like 10 or 15 minutes She begged me the way She couldn't find where I was at the Uber pickup And she finally

Was coming around the corner of fucking shoe was hanging off her For What time of the day is this? This was 8 o'clock in morning, so she had been in the, she was in the casino all fucking night. Yep. So she was falling off, money's falling out of her purse, she jumps in my car, and the first thing she says that you are the worst Uber driver ever.

Oh, shit. I told that bitch she was the worst passenger to get the fuck out of my car. Yeah. But she refused to get out of my car. I had to go get security and the police to get this chick out of my car. I think I know the security guy. He ended up with her wallet that night. Wow. James so living in Vegas must be hard to avoid all of those temptations drinking smoking

you know weed is legal there yeah you just got to find something you love more than all that bullshit is there a joke that you want to do that's not a fucking an imaginary midget related I'm just curious because it seems like you really love doing this and you were just kind of one note tonight I'm curious if there's something else that you might have up your sleeve I got something on my sleeve it's longer than a minute though well in that case do you have anything short, quick? Shorter than your 3'5 imaginary midget girlfriend.

Let me see. What can I come up with? Everything is almost longer than a minute. Everything is longer than a minute. Can I get two minutes? No. We can't do that. That's a whole different show. That's tough, though. I couldn't do that either. Somebody was like, tell me a joke.

Well, I'm a storyteller. All my shit is stories. That's all I do. Well, anything else crazy about your life we should know? No, that you will see me, James Swanson, we'll be coming to with your television very soon. I love it. I'm hilarious. You're going to steal these people's TVs?

Oh, yeah. Whatever it takes, whatever it takes. James Swanson, the third. Here's a medium joke book for you. Come back, sign up again sometime. All right. Let's get one last bucket. pull up here tonight. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?

Sweatting bullets keeping these boys hydrated tonight. All right, your final bucket pool of the night. This is definitely a new name, I do believe. Make some noise for Matt Worldly, everybody. In high school, my art teacher was like, Hey, does anybody in here know how to speak Arabic? And she was getting ready to train us for like a calligraphy lesson. And I was like, fuck it.

I'm like, yeah, I speak Arabic. She goes, go ahead, Matt speaks some Arabic for us. some Arabic for us. And I said, La la la la la. And everybody left in the classroom except for her. She was like, Matt, that's rude. That's insensitive. Does anybody in here actually know how to speak some Arabic? And I was like, well, yeah, I do.

And she was like, are you actually going to say something in Arabic this time? And I'm like, for sure. I said, what I just did. It wasn't cool. I'm like, not going to do it again. She goes, go ahead. And I said, in perfect Arabic. I said, and she gasped. She was like, oh my God. She's like, that was beautiful.

Do you know what it translates to? I said, hell yeah, I learned it from Call of Duty. It means we've got control of a hostage. That's just true story, you guys. Thank you so much. There you go. Matt Worldly, everybody. Welcome to the show, Matt.

Thank you very much. Amazing. How long you've been to in stand-up? You know, I tried it like 15 years ago, took a big break, and now I've been at it for maybe two months now in Denver. Okay. What made you want to start again two months ago in Denver? You know, my dad came into town, and I thought it would be a really cool bonding experience for us to, like, go out and do some stand-up. So we did some stand-up at the Lionslayer on Colfax. Your dad did it too?

Yeah, he did. Was it his first time? Pretty much. I mean, yeah, it didn't go so good. Wow. Did it go better for you? A little bit, yeah. Okay. Was he happy that he did it afterwards? He did, he just like, he took, he was two in his head about it.

Because like before we were pre-gaming, watching Kill Tony because Lions Layers on Monday, so I'm like, Dad, like have some drinks. Like, come on, let's loosen up. He's like, no, I gotta stay focused for comedy. And I'm like, all right. Is your dad also a sinners vampire? No, he's like a three-foot buff midget. Oh, you better watch out of that fucking black eyes.

You can eat your dad's pussy. So Matt, yeah, I agree with Shane. You have a very interesting look and you have pointing. Thank you. Your fingernails. The nails. Can we talk about the nails? Yes, thank you very much.

They're really fucked up. I thought you were playing, I thought you were like a guitar player. But then I looked at the other hand and it also had the big nails. What's... No, no, Jesus just blessed me with like perfect nails. Yeah. Coke had. You think your fingernails are from God.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Can I see, can you hold them up to everything? Yeah, not to me. Don't put them to me. Show them. Sorry. I mean, ladies, come on. Those are real fucking nails.

I'm not playing around here. Thank you, Queen. Wow. Shit. Wow. Amazing. It's like a... I just saw Ari Maddie at Comedy Works last night.

Okay. That was badass. Yeah, hell, yeah. Why do you have the fingernails? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, never done Coke. Not a Coke guy. Right.

I just have naturally, my fingernails have grown kind of profusely and have been strong. No, but hold on. You know that there's a device. that you can use. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That will make them shorter.

But I like it this way, because it kind of plays into my persona and my personality. What is that? Yeah. It's like what I would call like an alien wizard scientist. Yeah. You look like the state of New Mexico in one person. So an alien wizard scientist.

Can you explain what you mean by that? Sure, sure. So alien wizard science is an art form that I invented essentially. where I essentially like shine light through rotating glass. Wow. Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet. Yeah, please do, please do.

Okay. So you know that's fucking retarded? No, no, you'd be surprised. You're near one to talk. I would be... Feels good, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. I'm sorry. Oh, that's okay.

It's so good to meet you, bro. Yeah, it's nice to be here. You're a fucking gods, man. It's all right. So you do wizardry through glass? Yeah, so I have like this crazy laboratory in Denver, Colorado. You have a laboratory. I have a legit laboratory.

You make anything else in there? There's like lights embedded in the floor. The floor is sound activated. And I conduct these crazy light experiments on my YouTube. And I essentially manipulate light and make music to it in real time. You make music to that. Is it dubstep? So not really.

No, not really, but. No. No, no, no, no, it's like a very meditative experience. Okay. It kind of puts you in that like state of mind of tripping without tripping, because it's like natural light refractions. But then you could also trip and it would be better. It would be so fucking dope.

Yeah, all right, all right. All right, what did I miss? What kind of wizard are you? Uh, alien wizard scientists. Sick. Wow. So other people go there and they do this, right? They trip.

We brought up your YouTube. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. That's me. We are the fourth viewer on this video. I've never even seen that before. It's actually crazy that they let you know that there's been three views before this. Even bots are like, oh, no. What the fuck is this shit?

This guy's a fucking psych. All right. So there is definitely a very, how did you... Pick the shitty-ass video, Red Band. Come on. It's literally your latest video. Pick like number 27. Pick right above your finger there.

I'll do the one the most views, which is zero views. Okay, good. Thank you. You didn't even watch it? No, come on, go back. Let's see his most viewed. Do the one with 61 views there. That one right there.

Okay. Nobody can see this. This must be so boring for you guys. No, that's all right. It's okay. You can imagine exactly what it is. Yeah, exactly. It actually is pretty good.

Production-wise, you're doing pretty good stuff. Zero views is crazy. Yeah, yeah. Visually, it's very nice. Visually, it's... Yeah, thank you. It's like a work in progress. I actually just started it.

So how did you come up with this idea? How did you realize this is something that you want to do? Well, it was just been this series of, like, you know, spiritual connection to, like, my art. And it's kind of brought me to this place. I've always been like a... Hippie. I've always been like a fucking... Like an innovator.

Like I don't follow rules. I just do whatever the fuck I want. What's another instance where you innovated something? So like for the past seven years, I've been a professional body painter. So I've painted tits for seven years. You painted tits for seven years? That's what I've been doing for seven years. Two days a week.

Do you ever... Do you ever accidentally scratch the women? The women? No, no, no, no. I'm not good. Scratch yourself? I'm not good, no. Do you accidentally scratch yourself?

Because I've done that. One time, yeah, like in my sleep, fucked myself up pretty bad, yeah, right here. Try to itch my belly, and I just cut my chest. I got the shower. I was like, oh, fuck. Tony. Oh, wow, okay.

This guy's hosting over here. Yeah. He had enough of my belly store. He said, come on, man, you're bombing. Back to my fucking sculpture video or whatever. So you paint women, they just sign up for this? Do they pay you to do that? Yeah, absolutely.

How much does it cost for you to paint a woman's tits? So, like, I have price ranges. It ranges from like 15 to like 35, and I walk around with like a lanyard and a tray. 15 bucks. And I just walk around this dope-ass club, and I just paint women all night. I've been doing seven years.

Paints just like tits and buy a sandwich. 15 bucks. That's a good idea. You'll lose some white. The sandwich diet. Red Band's famous sandwich diet. Have you ever painted a man before? Oh, yeah, I paint men and women, but, like, you know, predominantly.

Women, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you happen to mention painting tits for seven years. How many dicks do you think you painted? Well, some people are like, you know, paint a dick on my friend. I'm like, that's expensive. I don't want to paint dicks on people. But how many dicks have you painted as the dick is your canvas? Like painted on an actual dick?

Yeah. I haven't painted on any fucking dicks. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get so defensive. Sorry. That's not very alien wizardry. Yeah. Sorry, please me with you.

Yeah, it didn't mean to get all up in your fractals over there. Wow. All right, Matt Worldly. Well, yeah, you rule. Yeah, here's a medium joke book, and there you go. There he goes. Matt Worldly, everybody. All right, that was a full episode.

We have one regular, everybody. He is the newest regular here on Kill Tony. And we absolutely love him. He's been on a fucking terror. He's hilarious. Make some noise for him. This is a brand new minute from your newest regular,

ladies and gentlemen. This is Pat O'Neill, everybody. My ex-girlfriend, she would love it when I spit in her mouth. And my new girlfriend hates when I mentioned that. First time we hooked up I didn't have a condom,

so I tells her, hey, you better not have herpes. Because then I, will have double herpes. Last weekend, she got so drunk, she threw up on my cock. Yeah. So next time, I'm just going to let her sleep.

I was telling that story last night. This woman in the crowd called me toxic. I was like, that's pretty rich coming from somebody that bleeds out of their goddamn crotch. Okay. That's enough for me. Thank you. Pat O'Neill.

has done it yet again. So funny. Amazing stuff, Pat. Thank you, Tony. You're a wild boy. Everything about you is hilarious, especially the way you look, the way you write,

and everything that you do. Your delivery, everything. I absolutely love it. James McCann, this is your first time seeing, Pat. Oh, it's the second. I saw you just before I left town. And I'm so proud of the glow up. I'm so proud of we.

your career's going. Thank you, James. I can't believe you haven't had a haircut yet. You know? No. I'm really... Holding on to all of it. I'm really, I'm really impressed. Thank you. I don't have anything nice to decide. I'm proud of you.

Hell yeah. Shane, this is your first time seeing, Pat, right? I don't think it is my first time. That was great. Yeah, he was on the Netflix. Yeah, it was very funny. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it was great. Could have done without the end.

Yeah, I kind of like... You had them. I lost the timing of it. I don't know. I didn't want to just sign off on it. Fuck. Yeah, that's all right, but it was very good. I like that one where you woke a sleeping woman up by shoving your penis down her throat, you know?

Because you're so charming. I didn't notice that what it was, that's what it was about. And then I thought about it later, and I thought, I think he was mouth fucking a sleeping woman. And I didn't know that could be so funny. And you don't look like the type of guy that would do that. You don't. That's what's so fun.

It's a nice misdirect, because you seem like a classy. Not rapist kind of guy. You're a cruel nocturnal mouth fucker. Pat O'Neill always. Mouthfuck ratu. Thanks for laughing. Are you dirty in bed? Like, are you freaking the sheets?

Are you a freak in the sheets, Pat O'Neill? This woman just goes, okay, rapin. Welcome to my world, lady. Not just missionary. You know what I mean. I don't give Nehry. I don't give nearly the fucking... None of that fancy stuff, brother.

No showboating. North and south. Like a white man running the football. Yes, sir. Yeah. Eye formation. U.S. USA.

Yeah. USA. You. I love it. Pat, what's... You ever use any toys in the bedroom? You ever have a cockering or anything like that? No, no.

I don't give nearly the fingering that last guy does with this. fucking green claws. Yeah. Any woman ever do anything crazy in the bedroom that freaked you had, you had to stop it, had to stop it down, full stop. Like the tongue got a little too low and I don't play, I don't play that funny business.

You don't play that game. You're trying to get into the pearly gates. Yeah, yeah. I bet. Right. I mean, this guy's exactly right. Yeah. Yeah.

No cock rings, no bullshit, dude. No bulls. No bullshit. Does the carpet match the drapes or your pubs longer on the sides than they are in the middle? Pat, you're the man. Yeah, I love you closing out this show.

Such great jokes. You did it again. It's a great Pat O'Neill. Guys, make some fucking noise to the great Shane Gillis, everybody. We did it. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Bell was in. One more time for James McCann, everybody.

Make sure you check out The Roast of Kevin Hart Tire Season 3 All the fun stuff is out there on Netflix James McCann is the James Donald Forbes McCann, Catamaran Plan podcast So type that into your Google And find that

It's available everywhere Thank you to Quo PrizePix, Surf Shark, and Cheers Health Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight over there Oh, it's Shane! Hell yeah! That's Shane in a flyer stuff. Did they win? The Flyers win? Oh, fuck.

Flyers lost. We got a series. Fuck. Damn. Fuck Pittsburgh. Fuck the Penguins. Wow. I'm sure they'll close it out strong. Red Band. San Diego, I'm coming to the American Comedy Co. With some friends, American ComedyCo.com.

We're going to Madison Square Garden, ladies and gentlemen, on August 7th and 8th, and a lot of other fun stuff happening. So stay tuned for a lot of other fun announcements upcoming. We love you guys. Thank you so much, everybody. Good night