KILL TONY - #769 - MAT EDGAR + CHRIS O'CONNOR

Episode Date: May 26, 2026

Chris O'Connor, Mat Edgar, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, MartinPhillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 05/11/2026 Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com/killtony Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. Get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans! Use code killtony at checkout. 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it FOR FREE at https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony Visit https://odoo.com/killtony today! Take control of your nicotine routine with Zippix. Get 10% off your first order with code KILLTONY at https://zippixtoothpicks.com Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas,

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get it from Tony! It's glad! And ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony band, Fernando, Castillo, Raoul-Balejo, Carlos Sosa, Tresaleches, Michael Gonzalez, Not just Belgrondo, we have the great Dave Shear joining us on guitar tonight. Unbelievable local musician,

the great John D's on the Keys. And believe it or not, that's the real deal. Ladies and gentlemen. Not Drusky in blacker face. That is actual de madness. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Blue Chew Prize Picks and Zippix.

Delicious nicotine toothpicks. Who's a smoker in here? Any smokers in here? Everybody smoke? There you go. Have one. Here, have one of those. Nibble on one of those during the episode

and all your nicotine worries go away. Zip more. Smoke glass with Zippix. Fuck yeah. We just got in. We're fresh off of Los Angeles live last night. The roast of Kevin Hart was something else, huh? It's the first time I've been called a Nazi multiple times in just a few hours.

I guess that's what L.A. writers rooms, all these, a lot of mentally ill liberals out there that somehow with all these fucking blacks and Jews and Mexicans around me. I guess I'm a fucking Nazi somehow. I guess the guy that pulls names out of a bucket giving everybody an opportunity is a Nazi. Isn't that something? I was called that by a bunch of people

that have never written anything in their lives that literally have just been reading cue cards and teleprompters every project they've ever done with the inability to improvise whatsoever. No opportunity to have their own thought. They just read what the writers wrote for them, without any originality whatsoever. And the writers I used to work with,

there's a few great writers in that writer's room, and the rest of them are just living in a bubble of mental illness, and it's very exciting. But, I mean, most of it, you know what I mean? I got called a Nazi, gay, a racist over and over again. I'm none of those three things, a little fun fact. But they are, what I, they are fat, ugly, black, Jewish. Everything I said was real about them, just a reminder.

Because I woke up today, and even though... Even though... Even though every human that I've seen told me that it was unbelievable, there's news articles because the news isn't real. Nothing is real. That say that I got lit up by Chelsea Handler, which is very, very funny, because that's not what happened at all. You can't believe anything you see or read on the news end.

anymore. You have to actually watch the thing for yourself. She was a bit of a cunt, I'll tell you that. She just kept coming at me over. She said I took the Saudi Arabia money. She was wrong about things. The writers just didn't do her any justice. But then the teleprompter, the fun fact, the teleprompter only went down during my set.

And it gave me a lot of opportunity to remind Chelsea Handler what she looks like and where her life is because she had it coming. Everybody wants to go up early in those things. And they put a lot of the people that they know will do good at the end, which is fucking bullshit. Because some people turn off the television before that happens.

And so what they don't realize, though, because they want to go up early when the crowd's all fresh, is that I'm sitting there watching what they're doing. So when Chelsea kept coming at me, I'm like, oh, I'm going to fuck this bitch up. Anyway, it was fun. We're back home. Shout out to the Rostmaster General Jeff Ross, our Kill Tony family that was there. The great Big Jay O'Kerson crushed.

And of course, the powerful Shane Gillis dominated hosting the show. We love Shane. We love Shane. But we're here tonight. We are here for the number one live podcast in the world. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Start your alienware journey with a streamlined Alienware 15. with a design that refines the essentials for a more focused gaming laptop. Featuring a brilliant 15.3-inch 165 Hertz display seamlessly engineered into a portable 15-inch body,

powered by an Intel Core 7 processor for high performance during every session. All wrapped up in the elite and durable alienware design. It's everything you need for an immersive gaming experience, distilled into one iconic machine. Visit alienware.ca.com slash Alienware 15, today. Hello there. This episode is brought to you by Zippix Nicotine Toothpix. Zippix gives you a clean, convenient, and satisfying way to curb nicotine cravings without smoke or vapor. Red Band. Tony, I love Zippics. It's the best nicotine product out there. Here's why people are switching to Zipix. It's made with simple ingredients and plant-derived nicotine. They come in two milligram or three

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10% off your first order with code kill Tony at zippics toothpicks.com. These things are unbelievable. I mean it. Try them. Get 10% off your first order with code kill Tony at zipics toothpicks.com. Thanks for listening to Kill Tony. Listen to and follow Kill Tony on Amazon music or just ask Alexa. Play the podcast Kill Tony on Amazon Music. Also with Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your favorite music podcasts and audio books all in the Amazon Music. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We're gonna have so much fun. These are two of the best comedians around two of my favorite guests in the show's history.

You guys know them, you love them. Make some fucking noise for the great. Chris O'Connor and Matt Edgar everybody. Here we go. Motherfucking homies. Chris O'Connor is a star. He's got the podcast, Stuff Island. He's touring the country.

Tickets available at Chris O'Connor.com. All the North Carolina, Detroit, Michigan. How about a hand for my good friend, Matt Edgar, everybody? We started together this week, 19 years ago. A little fun fact about me and Matt, May 2007 at the Comedy Store. Two little pups. I was 22. He was 21.

Now I'm 41, and you're 40, right? Yeah. Crazy. That's nuts. And one of us made it. Thank God I won that coin flip. Chris, how you doing, buddy? We were together making a lot of eye contact.

You were right in the middle front of the roast of Kevin Hart. We had a lot of fun. Yeah, and I was with you last night. 3 a.m. getting fucking hammered. Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot. You were there. Yes.

We were really fucked up. I was talking to Seth Green about Star Wars like 10 hours ago. Seth Green was there. You are reminding me of a lot right now. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, that was... I'm so hurting. Huh?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I know. It was a very odd. plane ride home today. A lot of scary dreams. And if you guys get blacked out last night, you guys... I can't look on that.

Like I made this face like... Still hurting. I know. I know. I mean... It was so rough. I looked like... I woke up looking like Chelsea Handler.

That's how rough. That's how rough my night was. I just had like that Botox swollen and inflamed face that just, you know, seems like he used to be successful. 15 years ago and you're not anymore. You know what I mean? I just like felt like that. Worst feeling.

Thank God. Then I just took a two-hour nap and I was back to being one of the best in the world. And shoot. No, I'm kidding. Shut up. You guys know how the show works? Over 200 innocent souls signed up for this. Some of them could be the next great comedian of planet Earth. All of our regulars and golden ticket winners were found out of this bucket.

Could happen. Could be a completely insane person. A lazy writer that didn't really give any effort, anything can happen. They get 60 seconds on interrupt you. You know the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. And then they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which rudely interrupts them.

I conduct an interview with them. The entire thing is live and improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm gonna let this Thai lady boy pick the first name out of the bucket. Hell yeah. I'm not a lady boy.

I know sit on. There you go. All right. And while that happens, I'm gonna bring up one of the great regular of the show's history. Here to do a brand new minute. He does it every fucking week.

Not easy to do. It takes balls, courage. This guy's got it all. And here he goes again. Here with a brand new minute to get us started while we wrangle that first bucket pool. Make some noise for the great. Former Dark Storm of Atlanta.

Now the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. This is a new set from Dedrick Flynn, ladies of gentlemen. I love Latino people. I grew a part of Mexican. in high school. My best friend was Mexican, so I was, like, raised. Like, that's why I learned Spanish from. Like, I only really know, like, chore Spanish,

because, or I know, like, certain actions. Like, when his mama say, Pinché, you duck, right? You know what I'm saying? That means duck in Spanish. And if you hear P.C. Carbrone, that means duck and run in Spanish. And then I continue that love with, you know, through my life with my jobs, and I work. Now I speak a different kind of Spanish.

kind of Spanish. It's called steel-toe non-slip Spanish. It's like you got to work at like construction sites and they they speak a different kind of Spanish because it's mostly just sound effects. Like just are you Spanish sir? You're Mexican. Did you correct me if I'm wrong? And Spanish means socket wrench. Right? That means socket wrench. They would be like they be like Moreno, you think I'll get a, and then, you know, because that means you got to drill it out. That's drill in Spanish and it means like, hey, I need you, pay attention to me.

This is good. Am I wrong about that, guys? Am I correct about that? Okay, because I know if you do it wrong, you don't want to disappoint them because you come show them your working is bad. They be like, oh, it's no goof. It's no good.

That's my time. Thank y'all. I love y'all. Tedrick Flynn doing a minute, 30 seconds. Toughest job in the business, and you never just do the bare minimums. You did an extra 30 seconds, a whole extra half a set of new material there. That is all true. That checks out.

That is. The horn players and Michael Gonzalez agree with you. They're still laughing. They're laughing. The hungover Mexican guy is laughing. This is all true. Did you say you were on a work site? Where did you come up with all this?

I used to build car washes. And so like my general idea. Why? And I worked there. Why is that silly? Chris is laughing very hard at the fact that you built car washes. Snoop Dogg worked at a car wash. You know those shackles.

If you build a car wash, Mexicans will come. It's like field of dreams for them. You're good at it. So what does it take to build a car wash? You just have worked for a company that only built car washes? They built their own. And I was a GM there too, so I had to go through the whole building process, like putting in the PVC pipes, bolting all the frames.

Because it's like one of those automatic car wash. You liked it because there was a lot of hose. Yeah, I love. I love. There's tons of holes. At the car wash, what, bro? Car wash. Man, any girl that go through a breakup,

she's bringing her car through the car wash. To get this nigga out of her car. Like, she's got to vacuum up all his cigarettes. Talking about a water hose. Did anyone not get my hose joke? It still seems like I haven't gotten what I deserve for the... There's a lot of hose. So a lot of hose.

Because it's a car wash. Just, okay, thank you. That's what I needed. I needed a hand clap from this beautiful. One of the hottest Down syndrome women I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm a little vicious. Sorry, I'm still in roast mode. it's been a crazy weekend.

And you did great. Why do they keep calling you racist? I don't, that don't make no sense. Because if you are, you're bad at it. You can't keep changing all these. You changed my life. I don't, you never learned how to be crazy. I noticed there was a theme,

and they very rarely talked about how wildly successful my show is because it's on a different streaming company. So I think they weren't allowed to make fun of Kill Tony, even though we worked with them for, at least multiple episodes a year, but I don't think they like mentioning YouTube. I don't think Netflix and YouTube get along very well. We always play nice.

I never mention YouTube on a net... I never say we have hundreds of episodes available on YouTube on the Netflix episodes. And it's funny, they did this weird Kevin Hart show where they find the next comedic talent, and they released that on Mondays at 8. It almost seems like they were trying to start some shit there. But, you know, I play nice.

I play nice until I don't. And here we are. You're fucking shit. You just... Just watching you stand over the body. We were like, enough is enough. Tony, Jesus Christ, she's dead. She's dead right there.

I know. I'm playing nice. I'm trying to do it. You've got to take her to the Mexican car wall. Hoves are down a little bit. You know what I mean? See what's underneath there. It's like when the...

That'd be like when the Joker shows up in like the military police outfit that one time. He's got like no makeup on, but you still see the scars. Anyway, Dedrick, how did you like Los Angeles? Tell us about your week. Well, it was fun, but them niggins stole my phone. Yeah. So, you know, and it was my first time in L.A. So, like, you got to, I mean, it was like welcome.

You know what I'm saying? Like, that happens. They took my phone. So I've been phoneless trying to figure out life. I forgot how much you need your phone until you don't... Like, I don't know how y'all niggas did comedy before, like, not having a phone.

How did y'all get around? Did y'all have, like, an actual map where y'all are? How old do you think we are? Matt, we're friends. But pretty old. What do you do... What do you do on the toilet with no phone?

Have you noticed... I got the laptop on there. The laptop right on my knees. Fucking talking shit on Reddit. The old, fucking, the old craptop. Screen's shaking on the toilet. You white boys are crazy, sir. Yeah, dude.

The old double release. You got judgment. That's called the number three. It's like a blumkin, isn't it? Well. That's a blow job on the toilet. Okay, I'm glad we got to the bottom of it. God, that was very.

fucking plaguing my mind. So fun, Dedrick. Way to get tonight's show started. I love y'all. Thank y'all so. And we're off. It has begun. That's how it's done. And now we go to the bucket where absolutely anything can happen.

Sometimes it's the next genius of the future. Sometimes it is just not. Let's see what happens here. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Ivy Miller. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. I'm Ivy. I am from California. Yeah, hold on, hold on.

I'm from a place called San Diego. And in San Diego, everyone is blonde. And everyone is in workout gear. And all the children sound like they're named after energy drinks. Slater, Rocket, and Jay. The less you care in San Diego, the cooler you are. No one has a job. Only perfect abs.

We have our own language in San Diego as well. And if you ever get lost and you need to communicate with a local, you just pretend you're coming out of surgery. And you kind of sounds like, yeah, that's what it sounds like. Thank you. All right. Miller. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show.

Unbelievable, Red Band. Unbelievable. You want to learn more about San Diego? Yeah. Ivy, I could tell you're from San Diego because Beach, you didn't get one laugh during

your set. See what I did there. How long have you been doing stand-up, Ivy? About three months now? Perfect. I was glad after you said three, I was happy to hear months. I also would have accepted weeks and days as a possible answer.

Months is good. Thank God for that. What made you want to start stand up three months ago? It terrifies me. I just wanted to scare myself and face my feet. I love it. That's fun. What have you been doing your whole life?

What else have you been doing? I Lifeguard. And that's... Red band. Come on. Be a professional here. You're a lifeguard? Is that what you've been doing most of your life?

Yes. How many lives have you saved? Quite a bit. It gets quite busy. Okay, if you had to guess what the ethnicity is, what the percentage of ethnicities is, of the people that you have to save, realistically. Latino. Really?

Yes. I think like rocks. Oh my goodness gracious. I did not know that. They just go, I can't. Ayah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they just swim with all their clothes on. They just go, tch, tick, tch, tch.

Oh, my goodness, they do, and it weighs them down. It's not them, it's the clothes. Unbelievable. Is this true, you guys? Let's check in with our, oh, no. They're disagreeing over here. These guys are, as you could tell, they're all aerodynamically built to swim properly.

Harrodynamic, if you will. Incredible. So you've saved a lot of lives. Any close calls? Was someone, like, kind of basically dead? Yes. And you had to give them mouth-to-mouth, like windy peppercorn in the sandlot, and all of a sudden they're just hard as a rock and alive?

Yes. Perfect. Very good. Red Band's about to be faking and drowning in San Diego next week. Oh, no, I sank to the bottom. He does swim with all of his clothes on, by the way. So no doubt about it. Red Band hasn't taken off a shirt outside of his apartment in years.

I love it. Ivy, what's your love life like? You got a man? I'm recently single. Ooh, how long was that? You are out of control tonight. I told you to start jerking off before the shows. You're a little wild animal. Have a Zippix toothpick. Relax. Zip more. Smoke less. Okay. How long was the relationship that you were in? Six months. Six months. Okay. And why are you recently single? How did it end? Why didn't?

a workout. What do you think happened there? There was a mismatch in the drive department. Drive department, sex drive. Like motivation. Oh. Just in general. And I think even I pulled a red band on that one. Even I was like tribe, sex drive. All right. Distance. Right. He didn't live in San Diego?

No. He lived in Europe. Oh, well that'll do it. Yeah. What part of Europe? Portugal. Oh, okay. Europe, San Diego. Yeah. And where'd you meet this guy? San Diego.

Portugal. You were in Portugal? Yeah. How long were you in Portugal for? I live in Portugal half the year. Why do you live in Portugal half the year? For the surf and lifeguarding. Oh, okay.

So how long have you been surfing your whole life? Yes. Wow. So you're just a real beach bum. Yeah, yes. That's your thing. Yeah. Interesting.

What's Portugal as good waves? Yes. Yeah, in the summer and then it gets massive. So I just like the summer. What are the Portuguese people like? They're lovely. What's the stereotype about them? Strangely, I'm a master of the racist arts. And I don't know how I would make fun of a Portuguese. Sounds like they're lazy.

Stubborn. Are they? Really stubborn. Wow. I appreciate it because things stay the same, but they like things the way they are. Right. Do you speak Portuguese? No, I'm working on it. Wow, so you just go there and you're just like this American bimbo that's just out.

Wow. Amazing, Ivy. What else? What do you do for fun other than water sports? I like to snowboard. I serve in snowboard a lot. Okay. And I like to, I'm really into journaling and like self-work.

I hate your life. I hate your life so much. is the worst life I've ever heard Yeah it doesn't And you want to get into comedy Your life's great Yeah The fuck you do you're living in endless summer

Surfing and lifeguarding Stay away That's true I've never heard of an energy drink That sounds like Slater or Jake Was did you like mess that up Was Jake planned? Well

You know I thought the Slater Yeah, I don't know. You don't know? Well, the Slater, it just sounds like they've all got X's and Z's and Zephyr and chim, you know, it just like keeps going.

But there's like so many Jakes. In your world, I think there's a lot of Jakes. Like a picture. What's up? My name's Drake. What's your name? Oh, O'Haw. Ivy.

Fun times. Here's a little joke book. You got the first. bucket pool. You are the first bucket pool of the night. Thank you. Keep doing it if you love it. I mean, you got a lot of work to do, Ivy. Thank you. You're about as funny as a fucking plastic cup. But chase your dreams.

I love you. Red band. You can't say things like that. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, the best in the world. Heidiregina.com. Alienware Journey with the streamlined Alienware 15. We designed this machine to refine the essentials, creating a more focused gaming laptop for players who demand quality without the clutter. We engineered a brilliant 15.3-inch 16.5 Hz display seamlessly into a portable 15-inch body. You get a larger, immersive window into your game that still travels easily wherever your mission takes you. Inside, an Intel Core 7 processor drives high performance during every session.

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when you sign up for email and text, that's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S dot com slash kill-tony. Takeoviz.com slash kiltony. See site for details. Takovas, point your toes west. Okay, we're going to keep it moving along, your second bucket pull of the night on a show in which clearly anything can happen and no one is too underqualified to sign up. Make some noise for BK, everyone. Here we go. Thank you.

So being Middle Eastern, I realize. my childhood was very different from my white friends. So for instance, during summer breaks, my white friends' parents would send them to summer camp. My parents would send me the refugee camp. They learned new things like horseback riding. I learned how to ride the village donkey. I was so mad the camel was gone, though.

My friends would brag about how many friends they made. Like, oh, I got all these pen pals. I'm going to write letters. I was so sad I didn't meet a single friend, but I did meet like 85 cousins. That was just on my mom's side, though. I still have to write checks to them every summer. My last friend, though, he was so excited. He met the girl of his dreams, and he had his first kiss.

I also met a girl. She was my first cousin. Go ahead, finish it. I'm the girl of my mother's dreams. Okay, yeah, there was enough of me. BK, what is going on? You're about as funny as a San Diego lifeguard. Holy shit, dude.

How long have you been doing stand-up? I started in 2008. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. 18 years? You've been doing this long enough that your career could buy a pack of cigarettes? Yeah. Well, I had to take a break.

Please tell me it was a 17-year break. Yeah, it was. I had a stroke. Really? Yeah. Okay, I could kind of see that. What happened? How long ago was the stroke? Yeah, I lost my speech and language.

Uh-huh. And, you know, it was about like a year for recovery. And then... Do you know what caused the stroke? What was going on? What were you doing? Just hanging out, talking to my friend, getting ready for a show, and then God was like, you know what, you're doing that show tonight.

Wow. God saved that audience that night. Holy shit. Look at God works in mysterious ways, people. One man's stroke is another man's joke. You know what I mean? Incredible. So how long ago did this stroke happen?

2010. Right. Okay. And all of a sudden, what, your face, half a minute? Your face went numb or your hand or what? No, like my arm went numb. Uh-huh. And I just was like, you know, what?

And then 30 seconds later, it came back to life. But I was, like, trying to say, like, holy crap, whatever this happened. I was just like, oh, fuck, you turned into red band. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Do you smoke? Did you smoke? No, I should have, though.

Yeah. Yeah. You might as well have. When did you start speaking again? It took about like a month for like enunciation. Yeah. Again, hoping it was way longer. No, it really sucked.

But like, I remember the doctor, Nigerian doctor, he's like, Mr. Khalid, did you do any drugs? I'm like, no, because my mom was there, you know. So even if I did, I would be like, no. Where did this happen at? Why did you have a Nigerian doctor? Do you not have insurance? What's going on here?

No, I grew up in the ghetto, Patterson, New Jersey. Okay. Yeah. All right. And your doctor was Nigerian. What was that like? He was an ER doctor, so, but then I got the white doctor after. Oh, okay.

Like to do the heart surgery. All right. The Jewish. They escalated it. Yeah. I don't know. Amazing. Okay.

So recovery's been good. What's your life like now? What do you do for work? So I was just working IT, a big fintech company. laid off Wednesday. You got laid off? How long were you with them? Eight years. Eight years and randomly laid off out of nowhere. Yeah. Wow. So what are you planning on doing? That's so interesting. You're at a monumental moment in your life. Trying to get back into comedy, yeah. Okay. What else? What's a second option here? Yeah. Trying to figure out what else we could

possibly do. Maybe music or get back into music. What did you do musically? I used to be a frontman for a band, write original songs and stuff. Okay. Can we hear an example of an original song? You tell the band a ballpark of what to do. I play a guitar, though. These guys, yeah.

I mean, we want to hear you sing. We have a great guitarist here that can do whatever you want. Is it a, what is it a D into a G? D-A-B-B-D-B? D-B. Oh, he's having another stroke, everybody. D-B-A-G, like standard punk music, yeah. It's called Better Off Dead.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the strokes, everybody. It starts at D. It starts at D. The strokes. It's like, I used to ride my skateboard down your street every day, but you know. Come on, lose yourself in it, damn it.

All right, all right. Okay, go. You still ride my skate. Better off dead. BK, this is amazing, dude. After seeing you do comedy, it's very clear. And after seeing you do music that you should be getting another job in IT.

This is absolutely amazing. Are you guys hiring? No. All right. Fuck. You have a good sense of humor, though. You're rolling with everything good. You love doing comedy?

I love it. And how long have you lived in Austin? Eight years. Wow. Eight years. Amazing. What do you love about Austin? The scene, the music scene. You have a girlfriend? I got a wife, 12 years.

Oh, nice. So she's stuck by you through the stroke and everything? No. That was before. That was before. Okay. Yeah. Wow. What does she do? She's a housewife, baby mama. Okay. All right. What did she say when you got laid off? What's going on at the house right now? Is it our tensions high?

No, she's actually in Egypt right now. She left. When did she leave? Thursday? Yeah, Friday. Wow, really. Was that a planned trip? It was planned. Okay.

What is she doing in Egypt? Her family's from Gaza. Oh, perfect. She's seen, yeah. What could possibly go wrong? So, yeah. Try to sneak back in? In Egypt.

You're trying to back. I was going to say, you're bombing here, she's bombing. Yeah. You guys are meant to be. Yes. You know life's rough with BK when she's like, I'm going to head off to Gaza for a little bit. She's like, good luck. No, she was very supportive, though.

She's like, I've been with you 12 years and I've never been insecure about, you know, your hustle. And you just get back on your feet. It's great. You have someone by your side. Genocide. Gaza right now, everybody. There you. Genocide happening.

Now that I'm not in LA anymore, I can talk about it. Yay! All right, BK. You know, you're getting on your feet. The stroke is finally wearing off. There's a medium-sized joke, buddy. Thank you so much. We're just going to keep it moving along.

There he goes. BK., everybody. There he goes. Get out of here. All right, on to the next one we go. Makes some noise for your next comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Martin Malloy, everybody. Martin Maloy. Hi, I'm Marty.

The optimist sees the glasses half full. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, so I see two glasses and one of them wants to kill me. Chicks dig mentally ill guys. That's what my cats tell me. I went to Paris. I didn't have to buy a plane ticket. I just took mushrooms and watched Ratatouille.

I like this crowd. You're my ex-girlfriend. She also liked the last guy better. Someone told me the 90s called and they want their hairstyle back. I said, really? The 90s called? You didn't warn them about 9-11? Martin Malloy.

You got one more? Whatever the fuck you want to do. Let's go, dude. I don't give a fuck. Fucking go. Do a one-hour special. Let's go. That joke costs a $20 haircut, $5 tip, and over 3,900 American lives.

That's it. I'm Martin Malloy. Holy shit. What the fuck is this? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ Almighty, look at this guy. I had no idea of Shane Gillis at a brother. This is amazing.

Holy shit, you're a monster. I love your jokes. I love your stage presence. I love everything about you. Talking to that microphone, you wild beast. The stage presence I don't do on purpose. I really do have schizophrenia. And that's the way I have to be.

It's my nervous habits. I love it. Chris O'Connor. Dude, I love it when a head and shoulders can only point in one direction. It's fucking amazing. Just right down the barrel comedy. It fucking rules.

I love it, man. I love your schizophrenia. All of your personalities were funnier than the other bucket pools we've had here tonight. Thank you. This is amazing. Martin, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since November.

But I couldn't do it for six years because I had enlarged prostate and had to pee over three minutes So I so I couldn't work so I had to live in a group home. They wouldn't give me a Catherer. Is that a good enough answer Tony? No excuses God damn it look at this fucking guy. This is incredible Martin. You are a freak. You're a natural. I love it. You're so funny Holy shit. Can I ask how old you are? I'm 60 years old turned 60 years old March 25th. You turned it on Mother's Day? On March 25th, I turned 60.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that happened. You're 60. You might know me and mother my stage name was Schizobill. I was on O.P. and Anthony. I don't know if you remember that episode. Wow.

You do? Okay. He was... Yeah, wow. Starstruck. Okay. Martin. When I was working at McDonald's,

the guy that dressed as Ronald McDonald came in, and he was a fan of O.E. and Anthony, he knew me. You are adorable. What else have you been doing your whole life? You worked at McDonald's for how long? For about two years on three different times.

Okay. So I would leave and come back. Amazing. Why would you leave and come back? Try and get better jobs, but I never did. Son of a bitch. Right now I drive lift and make half my income is stand-up comedy.

I sell wristbands and stuff like that for merchandise, and I sell wristbands that say Maine USA by illegals. You can get them at Salty Not Sweet gift shop in Lakewood, Ohio. Wow, shout out, Lakewood, Ohio. You are... Can I drop my Instagram or website? You can do anything you want right now, Mark. I'm giving you the Timmy No Break's treatment.

This is just your show right now, Martin. My Instagram is Cleveland Comedian, and my website is very funnycomcom, and my website leads to my Instagram. Okay, absolutely. I only have about 230 more questions for you, Martin, so we could have saved those plugs for the end, but I like that they're in the middle because it's a little bit off, just like you. It's very fitting on the branding side. So you're 60 years old.

You're originally from Cleveland, Ohio? Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. I grew up in the same town that Logan and Jake Paul did. I used to watch them wrestle when I, when, when, when, they were wrestlers in high school. Lakeway.

I was an alumni wrestler too. Amazing. I used to go back and watch the lakeway. What? At Lakeway. Well, Westlake. Westlake. That's right.

And you're a fan of the Cleveland Indians. I'm taking it? Yeah. Right. Absolutely. And the Cavaliers. Yeah. And sort of the Browns.

Right. I know. It's rough out there. for a Browns fan. It's wrong. I'm pretty sure the head coach feels the same way. I noticed they got to Sean Watson as first in the depth chart on the QB right now.

Okay, what does that mean to you? That means he's probably going to start this season. Yep. You think it should be Shador? Maybe. Who do you think it should be? Shudur. I think you should have.

Talking to two different people. Schizophrenia whole thing checks out. So Martin, you still live in Cleveland or did you move here? I live in Cleveland. Nice. I traveled here just to get on this show, and luckily I got picked. That's amazing. When did you get here?

Today or yesterday? I got here yesterday. Okay. Amazing. Incredible. When do you leave? Tomorrow? Wow.

So you came here just for this. Yeah. If there's any comedians out there, if there's a mic, I can hit later on this night, let me know. You are something else. I love your style. Martin. When you were on Opium Anthony, I remember you also on Ron and Fez. I remember Bill Burr used to roast you and everything. Yeah, Bill Burr and Jim Norton tried to get me to kill myself for like an hour.

Wow. I didn't do it, obviously. But they drove me so crazy I was considering calling the mental hospital. I've had shock treatments. I do jokes about him. Wow. Martin, I love you. What's your love life? like? Non-existent. There's this girl, Julia Mary. She's a comedian. I'm working on hooking up with her, but it's not working out. Have you tried? Have you talked with her before?

Yes, I'm talking to her, and she wants me to buy a house, and then she'll, she said, she'll go out with me. She said if you buy her a house? If I buy a house, and I guess she wants to move in, I don't know. Sounds like a hell of a deal, Martin. Yeah, I'm looking on

the Habitat for Humanity to get out. I was on Last Comic Standing, too. Let me tell you that story. Yeah. I responded to an ad that saying you had to wear a costume, and so I wore a straitjacket, and I told some jokes, and they really weren't laughing,

and then I told my final joke, I said, my illness roused me the ability to feel emotion or compassion like normal people. That's why I'm a Republican. And the judges laughed like crazy, but they edited out those judges. They put in norms and share it from, chair saying we have to pass.

And I was never in the same room with norm from chairs. Wow. Nothing you're not used to. That is amazing. Isn't it crazy how those big productions, those big television productions that aren't real and aren't raw and are overproduced? You're real, and I'm going to use talk space. I love that.

That's right. I'm going to use talk space. And if you invite me back here, I'll come and tell everyone how talk space went. Can't pass that. That's amazing. Martin, absolutely incredible. What else about your life would we find interesting? I go to the frog jump every year.

My nephew won twice. What's the frog jump? It's a valley city frog jump. You put a frog in the middle of a spread-out parachute and you jump it three times, then they measured the distance from the center. Wow. And I had the second longest jump one year.

Wow. Unbelievable. Wait, are you jumping or is a frog? The frog is jumping. And this is a sad story. The first time I... Let me guess. You once...

When the first time you did it, you accidentally squosed the frog to death? Yeah. Yeah. You really did? Yeah. I'm going to hold out to it tight. And I killed it.

Press about it. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I did the same thing. My first time I was ever on TV, I was 10 years old, and they were filming me. And I was going like this next to the frog, so it would jump as a jumping night.

frog jumping contest. And right when they got to me, I was like, oh my God, I'm on TV. And I hit the frog, I broke his leg. So much funnier when he does it. Jesus Christ. Red band, it's so funny. It's so funny, be like, that happened to me!

Yeah. This is how we find out red band is officially retarded. I'll tell you what, Martin Malloy. There's an open mic happening on the other side of the building in the other room right now. I'm going to send you with the producers backstage. And they're going to give you a short set there.

I think it's about three minutes. If you had to guess how much... One more thing to drop. Okay, drop it. Drop it. The joke I did about the cats, chick stigmy, but that's what my cats tell me. Chick-stig mentally old guys, that's what my cats tell me.

Those are on sale, salty, not sweet, in Lakewood, Ohio, too. Martin, you are an unbelievable human being, and it's 60 years old with all of your experience, doing it since 2004. I find you so intriguing, and it shocks me all the time on this show when people come here with this or that, and whether it's a condition or a this, whatever it may be. For some reason, in this crazy world, I think this is an art form where maybe being a little bit off or sad or up or down, I think it's kind of built for people that are a little fucked up.

Yeah. I'm fine now because I'm on medication. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I get a lot of shit for helping people that are a little bit wacky. Every single thing about you is absolutely hilarious. Thank you. You're an undeniable force.

And with that said, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Coltona. Martin is Marloy, everybody. Thank you, buddy. in Malloy. Congratulations, buddy. Wait to the... Mert, Mert, Murt. Wave to these people.

Take a bow. They love you. Amazing. From the golden arches. That's right. To the golden ticket. Right now he's in the back squeezing it so hard that it broke. He oddly didn't seem to give a fuck. Yeah.

See that? By the way, if there's a comedian, out there that wants to talk shit about how many special needs people I help out. I'd love to let you do a minute and then him do a minute and we'll see who's funnier. Instead of talking shit online, come on, come challenge one of these guys. I love it. Martin Malloy. Funny throughout the entire thing.

Sometimes I'm just asking questions waiting for them to not be funny. And every time I'm like, fuck. Son of a bitch. But that guy is fucking hilarious. By the way, you have to watch them try to kill Bill Burr and Jim Norton. It's amazing. It's on YouTube. Okay, yeah. All right. Thank you. Go watch it now. Turn off this episode and go watch an old episode of Opie and Anthony, everybody.

It's a real hoot if you were alive in the 70s. Anyway. All right, let's keep it call. I loved when you were like, a lot of people give me shit about helping up fuck up people. I was like, no, I'm fine. Go to SoulCard. Salt and Sweet. Thank you to Ohio.

I really, I want to, like, I want to a trip. I feel like we should all go to Saltian Sweet. Just show up there. Oh, man. Shock the world. Do the frog jump. See which one of our frogs wins. Sounds like, it sounds like a lot of fun, actually.

All right, we're doing it. This episode is bumpin. This episode brought to you by Blue Chew Prize Picks and Zippix. So, fun. Zip more. Smoke less. Your next bucket pole, ladies, and gentlemen goes by the name of George S.C. Lee. George Esseli.

Hello. Comedy mothership, one day after Mother's Day. Daddy's home. It is I. Ugly Ryan Gosling. Your last comic was a dream come true. Here comes the nightmare. And I just got back from the retard strangling.

competition, and boy is my neck sore. This guy got second place in the retard strangling competition. Look how thin his neck is. My name is George, and if I look weird or creepy, it's because I am. I'm an Arab man, even though I look like a Mexican woman. Every cartel member has a picture of me in their wallet that says, do it for her.

I want the bear. It's okay, you got it, George. Give me the bear. George, how are you? There you go, all right. Red Band of Kim, you played into that, but okay. Hi, George, how are you? Hello, Anthony.

How are you tonight? I'm great, I'm great, relax. Take a breath for a second. Okay. How long you've been doing stand-up, George? Ten years. Where at? Canada.

What part of Canada? Montreal. Wow. Amazing. And what type of Arab are you? Lebanese. Okay. Yeah, Habibi.

Okay. I love it. What do you do for work, George? I'm in between bushes right now, Anthony. What is that? I live in a bush, and I drink the breast milk of lost pets. What the fuck? Yumi, yummy.

Somehow you're crazier than the last guy. This is amazing. Please, no loud noises. I'm autistic. I think he's one of the voices from the last guy's head. Oh, my God. Last place. Retar Strangling competition.

All right, George. Let people talk a little bit. You're being a little wild over here. I'll allow it. Okay, thank you. Thanks. So, George, you've been doing it 10 years. Tell us more about your life.

What else is going on? What have you done this entire time? How old are you? I'm 29. Okay, no, you're not. You're definitely not, George. I'm 50 and 40. had years.

Okay. What are you in real life? What? Okay. I'm a stand-up comedian. How old are you? 29. No, you're not. They took my ID, Anthony.

I can prove it. Are you really? Are you really 29? I'm 29. I started stand-up when I was 19. This is the result. Wow. That's incredible. Holy shit. Amazing.

That's right. You're born in Monday? Ottawa, Ontario, baby. Right, absolutely amazing. And let's check in with Chris O'Connor here. It's just hard to go from real weird to fake weird. Yeah, it is. You know what I mean?

I'm with you. We had the genuine article up here. Oh yeah. The real deal. Now he's inventing, retard, strangling, crap. Yeah. It sucks. It is true.

Martin Malloy is a very tough follow. It is a very tough follow. Dinks. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, it is true. First place. Yeah.

Does that mean I'm retarded or getting strangled? I don't know. Oh, really? This guy knows. George, any other fun facts about your life that we might find interesting? Well, I got my dicks at a glory hole and I used to have sex with prostitutes.

Okay. All right. See, I would have never guessed that. I'm an open book. Are you? Yeah. What is it, a coloring book? George, what made you stop hooking up with prostitutes?

I have a girlfriend now, Anthony. Where'd you meet this girl at? Montreal at a comedy show. She came up to you after the show and said what? I love you. Wow, straight to love. Amazing, George. Here's a medium-sized joke book, buddy.

Oh, very good. All right. There he goes. George Esley, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes George, everyone. We have a golden ticket winner, right? See it back there?

God, cold. I mean, there you go. All right, sweet. We have a golden ticket winner that you know that has done many one-minute sets. We found him here in the great state of Texas many years ago. And now he's a full-time comedian. Make some noise.

The return of the great Enrique Chaconne, everybody. Enrique is back. Bad dick day the other day. You ever disappoint your girl so much? You have a bad dick day that you enroll into college. I had a bad dick that had to clean the whole house, bro. My dick was so bad, man. I had to call up a friend,

and they told me to go to the gas station and get some boner pills. So I'm at the Circle K gas station buying dick pills. And the first thing I realized is, that everybody there knows that my dick doesn't work. So I'm choosing the boner pills and there's no ingredients. Now I've got to choose the boner pill

based on the animal and the explosion behind it. I found one that said the vanilla gorilla, bro. I'm like, if I take this shit, am I going to start fucking like Brock Lesnar and break all my IQ furniture? I found one that said the black mamba. I'm like, if I take this shit, am I got to start fucking like Kobe Bryant?

Unconsensually? I found a third one. It was the strongest-looking animal. Except the black rhino. I took that shit. I thought I was going to take my girl to a safari. But nah, man,

I ended up going to the urgent care because my heart, bro. It would have stopped beating? Sure, there's bad dick out there, but have you ever had dick that financially disables your family? Because that's way worse. Anyways, but that's been my minute.

Thank y'all. Enrique Chaconne with a whole minute on dick pills. Yes, sir. How you doing, Tony? I'm fantastic. Is that true? Have you been eating dick pills? Well, sometimes, Tony, you just don't feel a little too confident.

You know, I don't have a blues chew sponsor, whatever the fuck you got here at KJ. Yeah, you should be doing blue chew. Those gas station boner pills are unregulated and absolutely, you know, they could be anything. You don't know what you're getting in there. A lot of them are made in the bathtubs of immigrants. Whoa, Tony, chill. I'm talking shit about immigrants, son. I mean, you know.

Hey, man, look, I felt like I was dying and I was scared for my dick was hard, bro. You know, I only needed, like, 10 minutes to just, like, satisfy my girl, you know, and get on with my life and drop out of college again. You know, that's all I needed. You should never get boner pills at the same place you get lottery tickets.

Yeah. You should try blue chew, and they have the new blue chew gold, which actually activates chemicals in your brain, and also the physical aspect. So you actually enjoy it more and your partner will enjoy it more. Use the promo code, kill Tony.

We love Bluchu. Well, fuck you. Hook it up, Tony. Hook it the fuck up, man. You know, help my relationship out, dude. I want to marry this girl one day, bro. I got to fucking put out. So what's going on?

Is she complaining a little bit? Like Enrique? You know, you come a little too fast, bro. What can you do? But, like, make peanut butter sandwiches afterwards, you know? How fast are we talking? one pump, you just throw it in there and just nut right away? I mean, bro, come on.

At least give me like eight pumps, you know, and like a few loud grunts, bro. But it was something like that, you know? Fuck you, dude. Shut the fuck up. This is some personal shit that I'm telling you, bro. You know what? Is that what's going on, eight pumps?

You know what? I don't really go to the gym, bro, but I was building a goat fence, you know? And you use your legs a lot. I live in the country, man. What the fuck is wrong with y'all, bro? Y'all don't build your own fucking fences, dude? I had a fucking huge ass log, bro.

I'm lifting these logs, bro. My legs are weak. And whenever I do work out my legs, bro, don't judge me, Matt. Whenever I do work out my legs, then I just feel like, you know, I don't get as hard, bro. Fuck you, Connor. Fuck, what the fuck, dude?

I thought this was the fucking bro table, bro. What the fuck? Yeah, that's how bros talk. You never had a heart of heart? You son of a bitch. You start fucking goats or something. What is the goat story? I'm a country boy now, man.

I live out in a seven-acre farm with my girl, bro, and I need to have kids. Dude, there's a lot of fucking chores, man. I'm getting baby fever, bro. This is a lot of work. I think baby fever might be the fourth disease on your list of what's wrong with you. You're sweating a lot tonight.

You've always been a sweater. Always. Seems a little bit worse than normal. I'm watching a giant drip come down your forehead, right now in real time. I mean, it's crazy. When I fuck, it feels like it's a fucking water bed afterwards, you know? All eight pumps?

All eight pumps, you son of a bitch. Wow. Yeah. Do you do any foreplay at all before you do the pumping? I always try to make the girl come a few times before I even put my dick in her. Sure, red bear. I don't believe that.

I don't fucking believe that. There's not a human in the world that believes that. All right. I told you about my barber shop. Tell us. Tell us through the process. Why don't you teach. Let's do our senior foreplay correspondent, Brian Redband.

So on Amazon, there's this three dick of dildo collections, one smaller, bigger, and one's crazy. They're all black. It's called the barbershop. I highly recommend it. So what do you do with these? You're just saying other things that do the job that supposedly you just said. Eating and fucking. So you're eating while fucking her with a dildo.

And then eventually you take your frumpy diabolical. She's like, I can't take it anymore. I can't. Then you fuck her. It's like, I'm done. See, it's over. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it. That sounds like rape.

We just need to buy some black dildos and golden blue chew. Right. That's how you make a baby. You just take a black dildo and just keep jamming it. This is going to fucking save my relationship, dude. Yeah, this is great. And when she's crying, just say Red Band told me to do that. It's kind of weird, man.

I'm not going to even mention Red Band. I'm not going to say, hello. Nah. I'm not going to fucking do that. Really doing it? But yeah, that and I guess I have a white mother-in-law now, you know. She came to visit, my girls half-black, half-white, you know. Really?

Yeah, thank God she got a black booty. You know, I've always been into black bitches, you know. Wow. And, yeah, so, but it's not a regular white lady like Matt's mom. Maybe, maybe Matt, you know. It's like an Alabama white lady, dude. Like, she doesn't make muffins or anything. Like, she catches cats, you know?

That's what she's. does. Okay. Yeah, so. My mom is way cooler than your girl's mom. And she's Mexican. That's right. Fuck yeah.

Enrique, a fun set. Get it together, but get that dick hard and do better. Dude, help me out with the blue chew, man. I'll be fucking hard next time, bro. Absolutely. Let's get Enrique some blue chew on his way out. We have some on the other side of the curtain. Thank you so much, man.

There he goes. Enrique Chau. Mike Kohn, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. That's what we do for our people here. We get your dick hard. This is Kill Tony. Makes it here next bucket pool. He goes by the name of Greg McHowan, everybody.

We're gonna meet Greg all together now. What's going on, Austin? So a lot's been going on in my life recently. I started dating this new girl. She's actually very spontaneous. And I speak for a lot of men here when I say we love spontaneous women. Like she's the type of girl that be like, Bay, come over here real quick and I'll come over and she'll be like,

I want you to put my dick in the Cheerios and let me drink the milk out of the bowl. That's the type of spontaneity I like. That's the type of spontaneity. I think it's because like my last girl, she wasn't really spontaneous. Spontaneous. I love how everybody laughed at that. Yeah, she was not really serious. She was not really spontaneous at all, bro.

She was hella crazy. She was hella fucking crazy. Like, it's crazy when you find out she's crazy halfway during the game of Monopoly. Very crazy. Like, halfway through the game, she would just say stuff that's, like, passive-aggressives to try to hurt me. She'll be saying stuff like, how are you buying up all the horses around the board? Yet we're playing Monopoly in a studio apartment.

Like, let that make sense, bitch. Like, it should made no sense. The shit made no fucking sense. It's fucking crazy. Especially when she's like... All right, there you go. You want to finish it, Greg? Do you want to finish it?

Do you close to the end there? No, I actually had like another 30 seconds left. Okay, well, yeah, I'm going to stop you there. All right. Greg, so let's talk about it. This is a girlfriend or just a girl you've been seeing? A girlfriend now, officially a couple weeks now. And she's black?

Yep, she's black. Is spontaneous her name? No, no, no, no. Spontaneous Jenkins wide receiver, University Alabama. No, she's pretty fucking cool. She's pretty cool. She's been like traveling all over the world. She's been like France, Greece and a lot of other places.

Portugal. What is she? What is she a flight attendant? No, she's actually not a flight attendant. She's, um, she does a lot of work from home stuff. So like basically she gets paid to travel and escort? Maybe. You might be on to something.

She might be a secret double life. Guys, what do we think about that? Did I mishear that, or did he say his girlfriend has a dick? Did you say that? That's the hot topic. No, she does not have a dick. You walked over and then she puts her dick in the cereal. And lets me drink the milk out the bowl.

I'm so glad you said that. That is just gay enough for Dee Madness to leave. A resident homophobic, the reigning, defending, homophobic champion of the the world. He's got no eyes, but boy does he have an opinion. When Dee fucks a bowl of cereal, it's on accident. Man, baby,

your pussy cold as shit this morning. I was surprised he found his way out. I was like, what the fuck, man? You better fucking respect you, Matt. You are a temporary guest in this house. Sorry, Tom. Greg. How old are you?

I'm 29. How long you've been on stand-up? Two and a half years. All of it here in Austin? Not all of it here in Austin. Dallas, Texas, originally. Yeah. What do you do for work?

What type of kiosk do you work at for a living? I actually work at the chicken salad chick. I actually have the hat at this moment. This is great. The chicken salad chick? Yep. I work there as like a shift leader. Oh, a shift.

Yeah, last time I came here, I didn't have a job. Okay. So now I have a job. How's that working on? It seems like heaven if you're at places with chicken. Oh, yeah, it's pretty cool. Surprisingly, no black. That's like me working at the cock factory, you know what I mean?

It's crazy. I'm the only black guy that works there, too. Amazing. I could see why that would be. Chicken salad. It is chicken salad, right? That is the whiter version. It's the wider version, but.

But I bet you get your back in the kitchen, they're cutting it up a little bit, a little. Yeah, I do like a lot of different stuff. Like, I train in a lot. of different areas. Okay, like what? Can you train us to make a great chicken salad? Train y'all to make a great chicken.

No ingredients right now? Go ahead, name them off. How do you do it? Basically, cut up the chicken and stuff like that and mix it in with a lot of different ingredients. They have their own recipes for like... How about your own when you're making your own chicken salad? What's something crazy you throw in there?

His dick? Yeah. See, there we go. How did you know? You said it in your joke. There you go. There you go. What's the wildest thing

you ever put in your chicken salad? In my chicken salad? I'm not a chicken salad eater. Actually, I just worked there. Okay, perfect. That makes sense. I could see why that would be. You get chicken salad once in.

Oh, you're on your sandwich diet. Chicken salad chick is awesome. Redband is losing weight by exclusively eating sandwiches. That's how unhealthy he was before. I'm not kidding, by the way. It sounds like a joke. I'm not kidding.

Am I kidding? Nope. I'm being dead serious. He ate so unhealthy before that eating exclusively sandwiches he's shedding pounds. It's unbelievable. Subway shit.

It's amazing. Yeah, totally. That totally worked back then. That wasn't false advertising whatsoever. That Jared guy was super honest. You can trust him with your anything. I love it. Greg McHowan.

Yeah. What's the... You ever gotten in trouble with the law? Why do you ask, Tony? I've asked everybody that. Specifically me, though? I've been asking everybody all night. Shit, let me think. Let me think.

I got caught selling weed before. Oh, wow. In Dallas? Yeah, in Dallas. By the police. Yep, by the police. How did they catch you? How did they catch you? Was it a sting off? No, no, no. They just profiled me.

They literally just profiled me. They was like, yeah, he's a young black guy walking back. I was walking from the bus stop with a backpack on. He was like, yeah, you matched the description. Yeah. And he's like, you got me. Yeah. You caught me blackhanded.

Yeah, literally. God damn. How much weed did you have on you? Ballpark. I don't need the exactness. I don't really want to disclose that. Why? Is the case still open?

It's not still open. It's like, it's been like dropped and shit. So you don't want them to pick up. You don't want them to spontaneously pick it back up? watch this and be like, yeah, you know, it comes back to light. Yeah, cold-based files, Christa said. There's that motherfucker. So many criminals are caught here being pulled out of the bucket on Kill Tony.

Caught many of people. Greg, you got a girlfriend right now? What's your love life like? Yeah, I got a girlfriend, like I said. Oh, that's real. Okay, so it's a couple weeks. Where did you meet her at? Uh, man her here in Austin.

Where in Austin? A bar on 6th Street. Just a random bar. Just a random bar. And there you were. Did you go up to her? Did you come up to you? Uh, I went up to her.

What did you say? What was your big opening line? I'll fuck your cereal. Yeah. That was my second line. The first line was like, what are you drinking? So, like, before I know to put my dick in it, I want to know exactly what it is, I'm putting my dick in, so.

Cocoa puffs. Is it a black girl or a white girl? Yeah, it's a black girl. Okay. Yeah. All right. Is she a little thicker? Slim.

Slim. Slim. Slim Bill. She works out and stuff. Okay. Very good. What does she do for work? Right now, she actually left Austin to go to Chicago.

She just went to Chicago. And basically now she works out like a Marriott. Okay. Yeah, she had to just like find a job. In Chicago? Yeah, in Chicago now. It's been like a couple of days now. So.

I'm with you, Chris. I'm pretty sure. We're, we're realizing before. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're still together. You guys talk on your, like, cricket phone or something. By pigeon. No, I'm just playing.

Oh, no, we FaceTime and stuff. Nice. Do you guys ever have phone sex while FaceTiming? Oh, yeah. You do? 100%. Yeah. You do.

Now, when you're. When you're having supposed like FaceTime sex How do you do that? I have a bowl of cereal with me No, but seriously Do you like hold it in one hand? Yeah, I hold the bowl in one hand

All right, let's take the cereal out of it I know you love it I know you love a good fucking cereal joke But in real life Because I find that to be very interesting Right? It's a hard, it's hard to hold a phone How do you do it? Do you have any special ways to

You just got to hold it from like different angles, bro? Like you got to catch everything. You know what I'm saying? You're dealing with the front camera, so you got to get it from like here, and then you got to like sideways so it looks bigger on the way.

Do you really think you're going to stay together? I can't entertain that. This is crazy. We both love food and cereal, bro. Yes, I believe we're definitely going to... She moved to Chicago. You work at a chicken salad place. Yeah.

Yeah. You met at a bar on 6th Street. She works out of Marriott. He even agreed with your house. How'd you end up with an Irish last name? Huh? How did I? Yeah. I have no idea, bro.

You're going to have to ask my dad on that one. Literally named me after himself. He probably stole it. Like, right? Whoa. He probably stole it, then gave it to me to, like, you know, to get away from this. My friend. Crazy.

Here's a medium. size joke book Greg. Thank you so much for coming on. We're gonna keep it moving. You gotta keep rolling here. All right, there he got a big one. There he goes. All right, great. Give back the big one. All right, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, makes some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Luke Stam, everyone. Here comes Luke Stam. My father taught me to carry a rubber on me at all times because it helps make women feel safe and I never know what I'm going to need it.

But I feel like I'm doing something wrong because any time I pull out my rubber, women don't feel safe at all. So say you, say, meet you like right here right now and I take you home like I plan on doing. You know, we're getting hot and heavy. It's time for me to pull out my rubber. I just tell you,

if you don't stick my fucking cock in your mouth right now, bitch, I swear to Christ. If you don't put my pee-pee in your pyehole whore, I need you to... Please, I need you to do this for me. I love you. You're acting too much like your... Oh, God damn.

Sir, I got bad news for you. No, you gotta stick my cock in your mouth. Do you have a gap in your teeth? Well, for the joke, it hate you. Yeah, you don't have a gap of your teeth. I can make one. And I need the gap. I love the gap.

because I got a vein on the side of my cock. It looks like if your thumb had a pinky grown down the side of it. And I want that vein to nestle in the gap in your teeth like a chalky on a set. All right, Luke. All right. We hit the time limit there. Wow. Can you hand me my career back, please?

My goodness. Luke, welcome to the show. I've never seen a guy that looks like a rapist that rapes rapists. Hey, I'm doing the Lord's work. Yeah, like some kind of superhero. that when he finds a rape happening, you get behind the rapist and just absolutely raw dog him

until he's crying and apologizing. I rectally bludgeon that's who need it. That he'll never rape again. He's the dexter of rapist. Yeah. He genuinely looks like a far side cartoon. Yeah. It is incredible.

You're very cartoony, Luke. How long you've been doing stand-up? Going on six years now. How old are you? I'm 29. There's no fucking way you're 29. There's no way you're 29. I just turned 29 a few weeks ago.

Oh, my fucking God. What is happening in this world? We need to... It's been a long, rough, hard life time. What's been going on with you? What is the last... I mean, Jesus, you couldn't have looked like this when you were 20. What happened? I've looked like this since I was 18.

Why? How? How? A lot of drugs and alcohol. Okay. What kind of drugs? Cocaine, alcohol, pills. love, but I will be two years sober this month. Oh, congratulations. Amazing. What do you do to stay sober? What do you do to scratch that itch?

I read a ton of books and just fester in my own anger in my own apartment. Wow. Incredible. You live by yourself? That I do. Amazing. Studio apartment? Studio apartment. Cement floors. I've broken three bottles of hot sauce.

Oh, damn. I put the hot sauce on eggs and I get too excited to eat them and then the bottle falls out of my hand when I go to the fridge. I can't even imagine the edge of shit. Oh, dude. Son of a bitch! Yeah, oh, it's brutal every time. I've spent, it's like $15 in hot sauce I've lost.

So when the police come over and see a bunch of red stains on your floor, you go, it's just hot sauce, officer. I promise it's just hot sauce. Incredible. And there's a bunch of rubber bands on the floor. I'm just working on my materials. Yeah. I'm a prop comic. Amazing. And what can people, if we were to go to your studio apartment, what are on the walls of this studio apartment?

On the walls? I feel like there's no windows in your place. There's one window, but there's a bunch of homeless people screaming outside of it all the time. Wow. Amazing. And then, yeah, just like pictures. Pictures of what? Just my own show posters. Oh, okay. Yeah. Nothing else. humans that you've taken? No, I actually I do. I do collect pictures from Goodwill that just are other people. Okay. And I buy the frames and then I hang them up. Wow. And then I make up

stories for them. Like, you know, if people come over to my house, they're like, who's that? It's like, oh, that was my cousin, Kathy. She died in a horrific accident. Right. Wow. You are a funny, interesting guy, Luke. Amazing. What do you do for work? What do I do for work? I've actually been fired from every job I've ever had. So I started my own company and I clean people's cars. You clean people's cars? Yeah, I make them clean.

You go to them? I drive to them, yeah, when I got everything I need fits in my trunk and making it work somehow. Amazing. Is your car clean? No, my car is destroyed. I go on the road, so I live in my car. I don't actually live in my car, but going on the road, there's just, And I have people like Keith Ray, like, you know, pigs in the car.

Yeah, that's crazy. What's your love life like, Luke? What is, I was born to walk this earth alone. I am married to the game, if you will. And the game is Magic the Gathering. No, I don't play that nerd shit. No, fuck no. I love it.

When's the last time you were with a woman? When is the last time, like a month or so ago? Okay, all right, that's okay. So what happened a month ago? Take us through it. Exactly. How did you meet this person? How did I meet this person?

She just saw me on this show before. And then she's like, oh, that was funny. I was like, let's make out like teenagers in the parking lot. Okay. And that's what you did? Yeah. You made out in a parking lot? Yeah.

You didn't take her to your place? I was on the road, so I didn't have a place to take her to. I was staying at my friend's house with a bunch of children. in the house and I didn't want to subject the kids to my noises if you know what if you will. Uh-oh, Uncle Luke's breaking hot sauce again in the picture. Amazing, Luke. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law?

Have you ever been put in jail? I mean, yeah, I've been handcuffed several times, like underage drinking charges, but I drove drunk every day for like six years and they never caught me. It was amazing. Wow. Yeah. What was your trick to being such a great drunk driver? Cocaine.

Oh, okay. Yep, that'll do it. Lots and lots of cocaine. A scary amount of cocaine, even for people that did cocaine. Amazing. You know, I've never done it. How would you describe that to people? It kind of feels like, you know what it feels like

whenever you wake up Christmas morning when you're a kid and you find out Santa's already dropped off the presents? You get like a nice, warm feeling like that. How long does that last for? 10 minutes. Yeah, amazing. And then it's time for Santa to visit again. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It's funny, Luke. You have a big joke book already? Yes. Matt Edgar. What's up? Oh, no, nothing. Oh, okay. You already got one.

Yeah. There you go. Luke Stam, everybody. Thank you guys. I need that. We're going to keep moving. Oh, he really needs the rubber band. A little fun pack.

Can't possibly buy a one-th-tham. a 1,000 pack off Amazon for $3 right now. Using the promo code kill Tony. All right, your next bucket pool. We having fun tonight or what, huh? This is as real as it gets, people. Mixed ones for your next bucket pool. Eric Blair, everybody.

It's Eric Malare. It's often been said that you're better off being born black than gay because at least you don't have to tell your parents. But here's who do have to tell their parents. the ugly white bitches who were fucking them, Chelsea Handler. And to those people in the year 2026 who were still opposed to their white daughters dating black men, I have this to say.

I agree with you. Because I'm opposed to reversing evolution. That's right. These ugly white bitches are ruining the DNA of the world's greatest athletes. And in doing so, they're ruining the future of professional sports. because future generations may not get to see a man jump from the free throw line and dunk in somebody's fucking face

because there won't be any real black people left at some point. Instead, there'll be a whole court full of Seth Curry-looking motherfuckers who have to shoot pull-up threes from half-court because they have no game above the rim. So ugly white bitches, keep your hands off our black people. Find somebody else to make you a single mom. I'm Eric Blair Eric Blair

some punched up hate speech there welcome to the show my friend this is your first time here I think he just really cares about basketball it seems like a big fan

yeah that wasn't racist at all welcome thank you how do you feel feels great how long you've been on stand-up it's my first time wow his first time

how old are you Eric don't say 29 please for the love of God. Anything but 29. 51. Perfect. That's an acceptable answer. What made you want to start stand-up now here?

This show. Yeah. It became a fan about a year ago. I never really cared about stand-up that much until I saw this show and said, hey, this shit is for me. Hell yeah. And here you are. Your very first time.

What's different? What is this how you envisioned it? I'm sure a lot of people out there watching probably think about signing up eventually or trying it. Explain from your perspective, a fan of a year, here you are. What's out of the ordinary? What stands out to you?

I mean, honestly, it's only my second time to come do the bucket pole. But, I mean, I've been in this room before for other stuff. To see a show. It's just, well, I think, I mean, I think this is the same room that, like, the main stuff happens. Yeah. But this is the room where the main stuff happens. Yeah, this is it. But, yeah, I've been in here.

He's like, we're at the mothership, right? Right. No, I mean, it's just, it feels fucking awesome to be standing here watching this show on YouTube every Monday and then, like, being, you know, standing here now, it's fucking amazing. Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head because they were expecting a better answer than that about how you envisioned it and how it's different. Is there anything different than how you pictured it? The lights are not as bright as I expected because so many people here wear sunglasses. So I was like, shit, the lights and see really good. The ball cap is what does that, though. Your eyes are protected by the coverage. Eric, what do you do for work? I'm a lawyer.

No way. Yeah. Really? For like bikers or something? No. I mean, I would be if they paid me. I mean, whoever's got the fucking money. What kind of law are you into?

Litigation. Okay. How long you've been doing that? About 20 years now. Wow. And you do that where? Here in Austin. Okay.

How long have you? Have you lived here? Went to UT undergrad. Went off to law school. Came back. And so I've been here since about 2011. Amazing. What's your love life like?

You know, I went through a long period where pussy was kind of controlling my life. And, you know, it's just, I'm kind of like wanting to do other stuff now. One of the reasons I wanted to do this, you know, it's like a better outlet and cheaper. You know, this is free. Right. I don't have to pay for fucking dinners at red ash and shit. Exactly. You're exactly right.

That's a real good point. His dinners add up. Eric, what do you do for fun? You have any hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, so I love playing poker. Hold on, I got to check in with Chris. Sometimes he just starts cracking up. I know, just putting a whole new patina on the...

Stop fucking black dudes, bit. Are you losing? I'm sorry? Were you losing out to black dudes all the time? No, no, I don't fuck the ugly bitches. See, that was about the ugly bitches. Ooh, look at this guy. Jesus Christ.

Order in the court. Amazing. So, Eric, so like the last woman you were with, did she leave, like, a bad taste in your mouth or something like that kind of? I just got burned out with it, you know. I was just like, can you talk of more detail about what burnt you out exactly

other than the spending money on dinner? Spending money, you know, cycling through a bunch of chicks. Were you doing this on like dating sites and stuff? Yeah, online dating. Right. Absolutely. What's the worst online date you ever went on? Is there one that really stands out to you where you're like, God, I fucked up?

There is. Yeah. So Medichick Online showed up at 24 diner. Saw a chick standing outside who I knew was her. She looked like she was in some kind of like church dress. This is like July 4th weekend. In what? Like a church dress.

Got it. Church dress. July 4. Yeah. It's hot, scorching. And so I was like, and she looks kind of fucking fat, too. Uh-huh. And not too great-looking, you know, like filters and shit in the picture. God damn. It's going to be a hell of a restaurant, Bill.

It's going to, it's going to... Well... You went from red ash to fat ass. This is 24 diners, so not so much. But anyway, as I got to looking at her, I'm like, holy fuck. She's in a maternity dress. So the bitch was pregnant. Oh, shit. That's hot.

Yeah. Well... Now you're paying for two restaurant bells. Not for me, but anyway, so I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? Like, I don't want to sit here and wait for 30 minutes to get a table with this bit. So, basically, I looked for an escape route. Right. So I saw the busboys going out the back door, and I'm like, hey, I have to go to the bathroom.

So I act like I went to the bathroom and escaped. Was this... Go ahead, Matt Edgar. So you're on a date with a pregnant woman, and then you aborted... date. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm pro choice when it comes to those dates. Your choice.

Yeah. Gotcha. Actually, mandatory abortion at that point. Let me ask you this. Did anyone come over to take your drink order by the time that you decided, I'd already decided to get up and leave? It was brunt, so no one came over, but yeah. It was brunch? What does

that mean? Like, it was like a buffet or something? No, it was just like, it was like early, so it wasn't really like, you know. But you guys hadn't put an order in. Not yet, no. Right. Waiting for the table, yes. You were just waiting for the table.

Correct. And then you went out the back door. Right. Wow. Wow. Now, don't do that. Don't do that. That'll set off the copyright things.

We literally can't play any music anymore. I'm sick of giving fucking CBS our money. All right. Whoever owns the People's Court. There's a thing going on with YouTube. They have robots controlling. You can't do anything anymore. Anyway.

We might need you to litigate. for us. Amazing. So you got kind of catfished and you weren't having it, so you were out. That's interesting that a pregnant woman would do that. Yeah. And it was like second trimester, too.

This wasn't like a little pregnancy. Wow. Incredible. So that wasn't hot at all to you? Like, you didn't think, like, maybe I could get that pregnant bitch? Absolutely not. That was fucking disgusting. She was about to burst.

It's never good when a hand comes out and the baby's hands like, check please. Okay, let's do this before I let you go. How about the best online date you ever had? What was just the fucking absolute, wow, that was unbelievable. I feel like I got away. It's the same story. Well, I went out with a chick to Jay Carvers, great restaurant here in town.

Yes. Sitting next door at the bar, she said, hey, do you mind if we go back to your place? I was like, sure. Turns out she wasn't wearing panties, so I put her up on the bar. A-A-R-Pussy? Hold on. At J. Carver? No, at my place. You have a bar at your place?

Hell yeah. Like, you have the bar in the kitchen. The counter. Yeah. Got it. Big difference there, but yeah. Okay, the counter. Yeah.

Anyway, A-A-A-R-Pussy and fuck the shit out of it were like within one hour, so it was a great day. Amazing. Look at that. She was hot. You didn't even have to bust out your triple dildo set like Red Panned does over here. He used his fingers in his mouth like an adult. Only one time with that girl? No, I went out for a little while.

She was Latina, though, so she was a little crazy. Of course, yeah. Did her water break? Yeah. No, this one wasn't pregnant, so. Amazing. Was the pregnant one Latina? No, no, she wasn't, surprisingly.

Incredible. Yeah, that's kind of amazing. All right, well, fun times, Eric. Even though it was your first time and the set was interesting, it was good enough of a first set to earn yourself a big joke book, my friend. Eric Blair. Congratulations. His first time doing stand-up

in front of millions of people, isn't that interesting? You guys having fun still? Make some noise to your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It's Ty Reynolds. Here comes Ty Reynolds. Hi, everybody. My name is Ty.

I'm from Baltimore, Maryland. I just moved down to Austin. It's very violent in Baltimore. Down here, it's just like domestic violence. so it's cool. Bought them are a gangster as hell. But I can't be a gangster because I'm ticklish. You ever try to hold somebody up?

Don't give me all your motherfuck? Chill, y'all, chill, y'all. I knew I wasn't a gangster because I got in a shootout one time and I had thong flip-flops on. You ever been running for your life in thonged flip-flops? I thought the shootout lasted 20, 20 minutes longer because of my hills was clapping down the street.

All right, that's my motherfucking tie. Boom, great set. Ty Reynolds. You've been on before, correct? Yes, sir. I remember you. Very funny, man. Welcome back.

Another good set. How do you feel? I feel great, man. Thank you again. Of course, absolutely. How old are you, Ty? I am 37. Perfect.

Amazing. You don't look a day over 29. Remind us, Ty. How long you been on stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for 10 years. I just turned 37 this year. Perfect. That's how it goes. Yes.

Believe it or not, you're going to turn 38 next year, 39 the year after that. It is crazy. It never stops. It just keeps going up. I know, but I know I'm getting old now because I, like, watch the Price is Right, and I don't want the car and shit. I'd be like, damn, that's a nice refrigerator. I'm with you, actually, on that.

I've been watching old episodes. Did I talk about this recently? Yeah, I've been watching old episodes of The Price is Right. on YouTube. Bob Barker was the absolute man. He was so, very, very racist. He also hated ugly women. So, like, it's absolutely incredible.

I mean, I think everybody hates ugly women, Tony. Yeah, but this guy was, like, putting on a show for all of America in front of tens of millions of people back when there was only three channels. And if there was a hot chick, I don't know if you remember this, he would do this thing

where he'd kiss them on the cheek, and both cheeks if they're like real hot, one cheek if they're like a seven or eight. And then I swear to God, sometimes a fucking ugly woman would win the thing and they'd come up. Tony, you wanna wrap this up like you working on my time. That's very funny. I was just getting to it.

It's crazy because obviously the punchline was right around the corner and then you had to interject to try to have this cool viral moment for your stupid Instagram page. And then you got it, buddy. That's how it works. Congratulations.

You did it, you fucking asshole piece of shit. Who could have guessed that the punchline was right around the corner there? You've been doing it a long time. I bet you knew that it was right there. But you had your one chance to do. Wait, and it's your show. No, I know. I know.

It's been working the whole goddamn time. Go ahead, Matt Edgar. Well, I wanted to know the punchline. Was it that he shook her hand? Oh, not only that, but literally he would, there was, there's times where he's literally running away from a person like this, just like, dude, you're doing your animal. Yeah, exactly. I mean, just running for his life.

He also didn't like dudes on this show because he knew that dudes wouldn't keep the viewers. He's like, I want hot chicks. You can tell that the thing kind of sways towards hot chicks. I mean, they're not pulling names out of a bucket. Again, I mean, like guys. Are you all right? Yeah, no.

Okay, cool. I'm fucking with you. Yeah, we're just talking about the prices, right? Sometimes we talk about things. You mad that it's not about you the whole time? Yeah, just a little bit. But, no, I saw the documentary, too. You what?

Documentary. I saw it. It was on Netflix. You were just on Netflix. Wow. Wait, have you visited Santa been visiting your place later? Little bright-eyed bushy-tailed and all about you over here. Scott Williams, motherfucker.

Ty, what's the quality about you that we haven't heard about since you want to talk about yourself so much? We can't talk about the price is right for 20 fucking seconds without you turning into an ignorant little baby. Go ahead. Takeover, pal. No, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to other mothers and shit. Wow. What about fathers?

How do you feel about Father's Day? I know my dad. I know my dad. Nah, look at you. I just wish he'd get deported, though. I ain't going to lie to you. He's from St. Lucia. He got a netted shirt for every holiday.

He got a what? Netted shirt for every holiday. He came up paid one winner with a long sleeve knitted shirt. Nutted? Nutted shirt. Netted. Netted.

Netted? Yes, netted shirt. You know, it's bad when the Asian woman is translating. Netted shirt. A netted a shirt, All right, Ty. Well, fun time.

That was nutted shirt, the first three 10 years, right? Pretty positive. Well, he wasn't even close. Yeah, nutted shirt. Damn. He started off so good. Yeah, it did.

It's a shame. I was just about to get to that Price's Right thing. It's just a fun fact. A little something to go down a YouTube rabbit hole on. Then there was something else. What was the other thing?

Yeah, racist for sure. Disgusted by black people. I mean, there was a different time when you could actually just show how you felt. Anyway, I'm kidding. Ty, you already have a big joke book, right? Yes, sir?

Perfect. There you go. Sign up again sometime. We'll see again soon. There goes Ty Randard, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Your next Buckabulls, David Kahn. Come on down, David. Real trap shit.

If you don't hear their drops, this is not a true exclusive. Damn, son, where'd you find this? Did you guys ever download rap music illegally in the 90s? I wanted to sing a song for you guys real quick. This is dedicated to the man in the sky. Will they open up the gate for Bill Gates? Will they open up the gates?

Shut your mouth. Get back in line. Don't you dare? All right. Jesus Christ. Fuck. This is not the schizophrenic performer from tonight somehow. Amazing.

David, hello. How are you? Is this your first time on the show? Hell yeah. How long have you been doing whatever it is that that just was? a long time, but I've been doing stand-up for about a year and trying to combine them for a shorter period of time. What made you want to start stand-up a year ago?

What exactly was it about stand-up? Are you to it? I've always been the class clown as a kid, and I feel like I've always told myself I would get into it, but I'm 36 years old and I'm like, shit, if I'm not going to do it now, like I'm probably lying to myself and I'm never going to do it, so I moved down here. How's it been going? It's been going great. I love it.

been doing mics every day. And I got to do the mothership mic last year, and it went pretty well, okay, I guess. What were you doing musically before? I still play music for a living all the time, like around town. You play acoustic guitar and you sing. Yeah, yeah.

And not the Bill Gates song. I do like covers of like Bruno Mars and stuff. Right. Nobody pays me for the Bill Gates song yet. That makes sense. You exclusively make money playing music? I do. Okay.

Yeah. Amazing. Where do you play around here? What type of? I play at the edge rooftop on the Marriott. I played at the culinary dropout in the domain. Playing like a 17-year-old birthday party next weekend. A lot of Marriott references this episode.

Yeah? A lot of, we've had a, yeah, anyway. Amazing. What's the coolest thing that's ever happened to you while playing live music? I did an arena tour internationally around Europe in 2019, and one of the guys in the band was, an Elvis bandmate. He did a thousand concerts with Elvis. So I have a mutual bandmate with Elvis Presley for about three months and toured around Europe with that.

That's cool. How'd you end up doing arenas? What is that tour? They found me on the internet. Believe it or not, I have one of the largest vocal ranges of anybody alive. Great. Let's hear it. You can find it. Okay. What's your highest and let's start at your highest and go to your lowest. Okay. I am your father. Amazing. That is a vocal range. Good job Kino on the lights there. Amazing. Was that good? I mean, nobody really cares about having a vocal range.

You know, the best music's like one octave, like Kelly Clarkson, but if you're a nerd, you don't care. No? I mean, I could belt something out, but I was trying to do a whistle tone. There's a video of me doing some really nice Ariana Grande whistle tones. If you look me up on the internet, that people make... Can't do it now? Just do it now.

Lyer! I mean... I didn't warm up my wrist. I'm a base. It takes me like an hour to warm that up. That makes sense. Yeah. I could see how that would be.

David Kahn, what else about your life? Tell us some more fun facts about your life that we might find interesting. What stands you apart from everybody else? I grew up as a big skater guy. I still skateboard a lot. Love it. What else? What else?

Anytime people's answers, something on a board. I live in a van full time. I've done that for seven years. I've traveled from Canada all the way I've driven. to Cabo San Lucas. That was pretty scary. I almost got arrested by the police and had to bribe them a couple times.

Yeah, they do that down. In Mexico, right? Yep, $28. Is it going rate? Wow. You didn't sing him a song? No, I'm trying not to go to jail. Okay.

David Kahn. How about your love life? What's that like? That's a failure right now. I was dating this girl. I actually had a joke. I was thinking about coming in and doing stand-up, and I'm like, maybe I should just sing a song

because I was like, you're going to look at me as the singer now from now on, but really I'm trying to do stand-up too. But I had a joke about a girl I'm seeing. Why don't you do it like you would have done it if you did that? All right. Instead of the dog shit that you did.

I appreciate it. Thank you. So I was eating out this girl I'm dating as of recently, and she doesn't shave, which is fine, but I ran into an issue when I was checking. chewing a piece of gum. Keyword was.

So it became this game of me trying to keep her right under organism, orgasm, where she's just about to be distracted enough where I can extract these pieces of gum from her bush. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for her overly curious dog. You ever seen one of those before? I play more music. I'm sorry. All right, David. Fun times.

Keep practicing and working. Here's a little joke book for now. There goes David Con. We're going to keep it moving. Gotta keep moving. Woof, some interesting ones. So far, for those of you keeping track, it is the schizophrenic old man that absolutely stole the night

from all these artists that signed up here tonight. Let's see where we go from here. Make some noise for Will from Miami. It's Will from Miami is his name. Behold. Four inches, everybody. Take perspective. It's a small cock.

Sure. It's a huge monster cockroach. That's four inches to fear in the bedroom. When you see one, you're not sure whether to feel worse that you're truly living and filth or that it's maugging you so badly as you do. Don't ask how I know, all right? I happen to know a lot of shit.

And based on the shit that I know, Dubai chocolate, sounds disgusting. It doesn't sound delicious at all. It doesn't help that it's green either. Anyway, people ask me if I'm gay, and I say no, but I've spent a lot of time with gay guys. So I'd be lying if I said none of them ever rubbed off of me. You know what I mean? Am I gay?

I mean, I don't know. I've heard of bisexual erasure. I'm pretty sure that's what my brain does when I close the pornography tabs before begging. Good night, my twink prints. Anyway. I wanted to join the military when I was younger, but I couldn't in those days. Apparently, Uncle Sam wants you to be an alcoholic. But like later, when it's the VA's problem, not the COs.

Anyway, so, all right, Tony, it looked very disappointed. Well, I mean, the fact that you're looking at me since everything right now. It's the hundreds of people out there. It's my third time going on a stage in any capacity. What made you choose this? I haven't taken it on the road yet, you know what I mean? So this, this, like your show, you mean? Yeah.

I feel like my, you know, because I've came out here to do it, I feel like my jokes, obviously, you know, they're not horrible. I mean, they could do some... You know, you know, your dick has more inches than laughs you just got. It's true. Yeah, I got the six-inch curly cute cockroach crawling around in my pants. It's true. What happened to the four-inch? It got bigger?

You just get hard? I've looked it up. There's no such thing as a six-inch cockroach, you're right. There's only... It's going to get it up to four. I can't tell where the one joke ends and the other... Yeah, yeah. I'm doing my best out. Check in with Chris. I just don't know what the fuck he's saying.

I know. I have no idea what he's talking. Well, that says something that you don't have the small gawk. Okay, let's just take... Not the issue. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The issue is that wire to wire just totally incoherent.

Yeah, it's true. Nobody understands what the fuck you're talking about. Do I sound like I have a speech impediment or something? Not even, it's what you're saying. That's the craziest part, is that you're actually one of the clearest speakers that we've had here up today. It's everything that you're clearly saying. Articulately retarded. I'm sorry. No, no, no, we've had retarded people up.

They fucking killed tonight. Totally. You can't blame it on that either. Fair enough. It's okay. It's all right. It's just not the really the place to be doing your third ever open. I understood the schizophrenic and the black guy from Baltimore way better.

Yeah. Way better. And one of them needed a Chinese translator at one point, so imagine. Imagine. Okay, Will, let's at least find out more about your life. Funny stuff. up that you could be talking about. Obviously, you are Will from Miami.

You're wearing a Miami jersey. Unfortunately, yeah. Okay, why, unfortunately? Because it's given me this toxic personality that is not enjoyable for people to experience. That's the realest thing that you've said since you got it. May I say a little bit to try to redeem myself in your eyes? I'm divorced.

I don't get any pussy. I'm not... There you go. I'm doing my best. I'm not, I'm devoid of confidence, you know, I'm not, I know you, I know how you get. This is what you should have said during the minute. I know. That's amazing.

I think I'm too clever and I don't want to go. You're not. You're not. See, there you go. You're getting sliding back into it. It's an issue that is pervasive. You're not. I'm not the only one who has this mistaken belief.

Okay, whatever. You seem like a nice guy. I am. No, I'm not trying to be defensive. I'm just, I'm trying not to kill myself when I go home tonight. Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself.

No, I'm trying. I'm trying to, I'm not the only one who's a fucking loser. It's okay. Okay, Will, relax. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. Stop, stop, stop. Are you on Adderall or something right now?

No, I don't even, no. Okay, relax. Take a breath. Take a breath. Yeah, it's just relax. What was the trip like from Miami? I mean, I was, like, cutting off people and driving on the shoulder and doing all these crazy maneuvers and stuff.

And then when I got here, someone tried to kill me on the road. And I was feeling bad the whole time that I was doing all these maneuvers. But then when I was, the guy was trying to kill me, I felt like maybe God was preparing me for this sort of dark souls encounter. Holy shit. That I had the first or second day that I'm in Austin. So, you know, I'm happy to be alive today, I guess.

You know. Will. So let's talk about it. How old are you? Thank you, Michael. I appreciate it. Huh? How old are you?

I'm 32. 32. What made you want to start stand up now? Uh, yeah. I'm, you know. You think, I don't got anything else going on, really. What have you been doing? What do you do for work?

Work, you name it. I've done it, sold it. But, you know, I've had every type of bullshit. You got to get simpler questions. Yeah. How, you got to, you can't. Yes or no questions, basically. You got to go, what did you eat for breakfast?

Yeah. What did you eat for breakfast? When? What day? What day? Today. I didn't eat anything until I got the pizza ropolos. God damn it, I'm drunk as well.

You know, I'm doing my best. You're drunk? Well past the threshold you would typically allow, probably. What have you been drinking today? Just vodka since I got over there. Nothing. You got next door? How many do you think you've had?

Did you do the deal with a pitcher or whatever? It's not important how many of it. It's just the fact that I haven't had anything to eat, and I only drink on Mondays when I come through here. You only drink on Monday. on Monday. When it's since I've been coming around here. How many times have you signed up for the show, ballpark?

Doesn't have to be an exact. Seven, six or seven. Six or seven times. And you choose the day that you sign up, the only day that you drink is the day that you sign up for a show that you could be seen by millions of them. I would do way worse if not. I would do way worse if I was. That's absolutely impossible. It is unbelievably impossible.

I've been doing this every Monday for 13 years. The mics. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. Yeah. should tonight. Maybe tonight's the night. I should get...

What it is? Hell. It's the reverse golden ticket. I apologize. Whatever the opposite of it. It's a one-way ticket to hell. I'm kidding. It's a bad habit I got. I'm sorry.

It's okay. What was the question again? There wasn't one this time. I've been doing these mics and every mic that I've done, I totally forgot at least the material. And you think... Because I had a panic attack. And you think the drinking helps.

I got through the material. I mean, but that's not... Obviously, you know, the material is bad. I mean, who knows if I came up here and I had good material? Maybe the alcoholism might have aided me. He's like the Woody Allen of Florida. I am Jewish.

I'm half Jewish. I, you know... I, you know... I do kind of get the sense he's got some good ideas in his head. He just can't get him out. Do you have another joke that you didn't do today that might work?

That, no. No, if these, if these, if it's, if, if, if these ones didn't work, then no way. There's something. There's something. It's a more good. Yeah. No, I mean, I got minutes, but they're gonna do as well as this one.

How do you know what's funny if you've only done it three times? I've been only watching Rodney and Don Rickles on Johnny Carson for months and hours. That's all I do. You've exclusively been watching two of the best comedians of all time. I wake up and I put like a 3D thing. No, I'm just kidding. So, you know, I think I got a sense for it,

but it clearly only so far. It only goes so far. I agree. Much like everyone that has ever worn a Dolphins jersey. You took a big loss today, Will. Here's a little joke book. Oh, thank you. There he goes.

Thank you, everybody. It's okay. Will, just keep trying. But you gotta practice. You gotta love it. You have to enjoy the process. Do more open mics. Jesus Christ.

All right. Oh my goodness, he just did it. Unbelievable. Shout out to the Austin Police Department for taking care of that for us. Welcome to Texas. This is our final bucket poll of the night. What a wild, what a wild, this is like live

from Arkham Asylum tonight or something like that. Who knows what's gonna happen next? Your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name is. Looks like a good. Good name, it's got good handwriting. Make some noise for Shaz Meemon. Shaz Meemon.

Hello. My name is Shaz and I'm from Amsterdam and yes, this is what the Dutch look like now. Now I can see that some of you are looking into my face. I want to acknowledge that I have a very distinct look. I've had this mustache for the past 12 years. And in these 12 years, I have heard hundreds of comments that people have made. I've even ranked them. Like yesterday, this literally happened yesterday.

I was walking around 6th Street and a homeless guy called me a Middle Eastern Mario. I was recently in a meeting with a colleague and as soon as I entered the room, he said, look, here comes the Indian Monopoly Man. The best one. The best one so far I've gotten

is I matched with a girl on Bumbo. And her first message to me was you look like your dad fucked up Ringles Can. That was my time. You've been a phenomenal audience. Thank you. What a showman. He dressed the part.

He curled the mustache, a true professional. I'm not even used to it. Guy was just up here in a Dolphins jersey, three sizes too big, and then out comes a guy that's fucking at least ready for the occasion. A proper attire. Quite the gentleman. I matched...

Looks like he'd build the World Trade Centers just to break them down again. Hey, can I say I am originally from Pakistan. Wow. Tell us something we don't know. Amazing, Shaz. Welcome, welcome. So you're 100% Pakistani? Well, yes. Amazing. Absolutely. Yeah, it only works that way there. There's no fucking, there's no Draymond Greens coming into Pakistan. Muddying up the waters. You know what I mean? All right, Shaz. I love it. How old are you? How old am I? 33. 33. Great, Shaz. He's going to work at a Marriott.

Jokes were great, Shaz. How long have you been to stand-up? Just about two years. Two years. Where at? In Amsterdam. Awesome. What made you start two years ago?

I was partying a lot, and I was like, I need to stop this. So I started doing comedy. Amsterdam is very close to the North Pole. I was stuck into the partying situation. You were doing a little cocaine, huh? I can't imagine what that mustache looks like when it's covered in white. Oh. No.

Amazing. So a lot of partying. How'd you end up in Amsterdam? So I'm originally from Pakistan. From Pakistan, around 10 years ago, I moved to Australia. I studied there, then around seven years ago or eight years ago, I moved to Amsterdam for work. What's the job? I work in finance.

Amazing. And you're doing good, aren't you? Unfortunately, yes. Yeah. That's fantastic. What do your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy? What do the Pakistanis think about you doing stand-up? Pakistanis, I don't know.

Your parents? My parents, well, they're okay with it. Okay. They like it. They don't understand a lot of it, but... They're still in Pakistan? They're still in Pakistan. Amazing.

Amazing. And you're a smart guy. Where'd you go to school? University of Sydney. Sydney, Australia? Yes. Amazing. You're so worldly.

Tell us about your travels. What do you love or hate about certain places? Oh, like Amsterdam. For example, if I talk about Amsterdam, everyone here just thinks it's about weed and prostitutes. It's not. There's so much more to it. Cocaine, try the cocaine. Please, try the cocaine.

Ho, ho, ho. Chris O'Connor. Did you live close to Bin Laden? Actually, no. I'm in the south, and bin Laden was sort of in the north. They're like rival high school. The Browns versus the Browns. and a battle of the Titans. Tower one versus tower two.

Amazing. Shaz, I love it. You got a girl up in Amsterdam? No, I'm not dating because comedy, I do nine to five work, and in five to nine comedy, I'm obsessed with it. So I travel around Europe and I do a lot of comedy. I don't have time to date.

You don't even have time for girls. No. Just out of curiosity, does the carpet match the drapes are your pubs curled up? curled up. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I know.

It made me think. I thought maybe they are. You have a giant bush. I know the answer to this. There's no question about it. I'm brown. I'm hairy. I get it, buddy.

I can't even imagine what you have going on down there. I mean, I'm trying to imagine, but I just can't possibly. All right. Shaz, what else about your life? What are you into?

You have any hobbies or anything else fun other than your obsession with stand-up? and making vast sums of terrorist money? Well, I have, there's something interesting about me. My mustache actually has a name. It's called Jessica. Oh, why is it called Jessica? I was, when I was in Australia, I was at a party.

It was a three-day festival, and this is a festival where there's no phone reception, 3,000 people, and everyone's high on LSD. So I was at this festival, and a second day of this festival, as I was walking towards the stage, there was a girl who was also high on LSD. She looked at my mustache, and she thought this was the most incredible piece of art she's ever seen. Her name was Jessica. She gave me a sneaky kiss, and I requested if I could name my mustache after her. So I've been calling it Jessica for the past 10 years now.

Just because she gave you a kiss? Yes, I was desperate. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, Shaz. If we got a girl up here to give you a kiss, would you change its name? 100%. Is there a girl out there? Let's get those red lights up.

Is this your girlfriend, sir? Shaz, I'll let you pick. out of all the people with their hands up. There seems to be quite a lot out there. Her. The blonde in the back. Who would have guessed that he went with one of the not fat chicks in the crowd?

Here she comes, everybody. I'm sorry, you're very sweet. You've been amazing. There you go. Have some Zippics. Have some Zippics. Have a Sharpie. Have a little joke book. There you go.

You have a great spirit, but that'd be, somehow that would be, The lowest point of shit. Here you go. Sweetheart, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second. What's your name? Sabrina, do you understand Shaz that after this,

if this is a good kiss, your mustache from this day forward shall be named Sabrina. I don't know if I like the name Sabrina. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me, where we make dreams come true. Ladies and gentlemen, Sabrina, get that mustache name. Wow. Good job, Sabrina. Thank you, Sabrina.

How was it? Sticky. Wow. Sticky. Well, now you will sit on my face forever. Wow. That is incredible. It's amazing.

You got to kiss the girl from the hit show, the Ozarks here today. Sabrina, where are you visiting from? Chicago, amazing. Do you work at the Marriott? All right, good job. There she goes, Sabrina. Sabrina, here's a kill Tony Sharpie.

There you go. Sweet. Sharpton. This show's so fun. I have so much fun doing it. Are you fired up? His dick was just like his mustache. Yeah.

I mean, I'm on... I don't have time for shit. You're like, hur! Yeah. Kiss me, I'll change. I'll do it. I am Muslim and I'm probably going to hell. No, no, no.

That's what your parents would tell you, but... This was great. Thank you, Sabrina. Shaz, congratulations. You're a classy guy. Here's a big kiltony joke book. It'll go with your suit. Matches perfectly. That was fun. That was a fun way to put a ribbon on the bucket. We have one final comedian, ladies and gentlemen. He is an absolute force of nature. He is the newest regular on the show. And I got to tell you, his momentum is absolutely unbelievable. He's truly becoming and has probably become. I think everybody's, me and Red Band's favorite, Median. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute. Toughest job in the industry to write and perform a brand new set every week on this show. He does it unbelievably well. This is a freak of nature. Make some noise. This is a new minute from the great Pat O'Neill, everybody.

This first one's a question for the fellas in the room. Fellas! You ever have a girl tell you she's going to give you some sloppy head and think to yourself, no shit, fatty. Only way you know how. Hey, what can I say, folks? If loving fat girls is wrong, I don't want to be white. Other night at the bar I was talking to this girl who described herself as a light-skinned Latina. But I think what she really meant was Spanish retard.

All right, that's all for me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Perfect. Perfect, Pat. God damn. You have such great jokes, Pat. Thank you, Tony. Unbelievable.

My God. How's life going, buddy? Yeah, good. Good. Last week was crazy. Yeah. People messaging me and stuff. Yeah. Won't leave a fellow alone. I know. It has happened.

Just because he's on the TV now. Yeah. Yep. You made it, Pat. You're making it. You're living the American dream. Uh, how's life changed? Anything crazy happen? Uh... Uh... Not really.

Yeah, I don't know. Not really. Just like talking to people. You got to do... Making some merch. You got to do one... Really? What's your merch? I don't know. You don't know yet?

People keep telling me, too. And offering it, and I'm like, I don't know. It's kind of funny that talking to people now is new. Yeah, yeah. That what? Talking to people, it's crazy. Yeah. Talks?

This did not happen. Dude, his whole life changed. Yeah. Talking to people. Oh, yeah, talking, people willing to talk to you. Yeah, yeah. That's what he's getting at. Yeah.

I got it. Pretty earth-shattering. Absolutely. It really is. Yeah, dude. Pat, you are one of the more frightening-looking guys that we've ever had on this show. We get to see it every week. And every time you come out, it makes us all laugh.

And it's just amazing. I've always said this about you since the first time I've seen you, that you I've seen you that you look like a fucking comedian. Have you ever looked different? Did you look different before you started comedy? That was a fatty in high school. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Wow. What was going on there? I don't know. Just a lot of ice cream. Heck yeah. Divorced parents and my dad would like do the thing where he gases you up with snacks and shit. The one day he has you. How'd you lose the weight?

I just... Your dad got one day in the custody. I feel like he's lucky to have that. Tell us about your parents. What were they like? How does a Pat O'Neill come to exist? Yeah. I don't know.

They're fine people. You know what I mean? Seems like a subject worth of way. Simple folk. Yeah. They still out there? They together? No, no, no.

My dad's dead. Oh, okay. How did dad die? Liver cirrhosis. Oh my. God, it's a heavy drinker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. How old was he when he died?

40. We went over this one time. Wow, we did, huh? So he would just drink all day, every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, good. You got nothing to worry about. All right, perfect, yeah, I'm going fine. I'm always checking. You notice, anytime anybody,

is anything with drinking or smoking, I get very, very curious. Perfect, amazing. How old were you when he died? Like 16? But that's how comedians are made. Yep, that's how fucking Jokesmith like you comes. You know, when I have one of these pussy normal lives.

Right, right. Yeah, exactly. Like having two parents being born and raised in Miami. You know what I mean? These people. I love it, Pat. I mean, you are just a freak of nature. You bring nothing but absolute cackling laughter to the world.

And again, we couldn't be happier to have you as a full-time regular on this show. much on it. Thank you, fuck. The real deal. Pat O'Neill to end tonight's episode. Guys, how much fun did we have tonight, huh? This episode brought you by Blue Chub Prize Fix and Zipax. There you go. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Bolt is in. It's amazing.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all giggling away. Oh, Chris O'Connor. How about one more time for the great Chris O'Connor? Check him out in Raleigh, Detroit, and his podcast, Stuff Island with our dear, dear friend, Tommy Pope. Tickets for him on tour, Chris O'Connor.com. And how about one more time for one of my longest best friends, Matt Edgar, everybody? He's got a brand new podcast called Bomb Shelter. And that comes out on June 1st, so go check that out.

What's Bomb Shelter about and like? What's going on there? I interviewed comedians and live performers, like wrestlers and musicians on their worst bomb. Oh, I love it. And we just break it down. Well, you could have booked nine guests tonight after this show. I got a whole roster now. Yeah. Amazing.

Mr. Miami's going to be the next episode. One more time for Chris O'Connor and Matt Edgar. So much fun stuff happening. Madison Square Garden coming around the corner in August. Make sure you get tickets for that. If you're ever going to visit the great city of New York, you might as well do it on a weekend in which we are there at the greatest arena in the world,

the most famous arena in the world for our third weekend in a row. Third year in a row doing MSG. It's absolutely ridiculous and so much fun. And it's because of you, the greatest fans on planet Earth. We love you, Red Band. Guys, give a shout out to Tony Hinchcliff. Come on, guys. Stop it.

This guy for so long, I'm so happy for her. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.