KILL TONY - #779 - ADAM RAY

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

Adam Ray, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 07/20/2026  THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: ZipRecruiter: Try it FOR FREE at http://ZipRecruiter.com/KILLTONY  Watch Kill Tony ad free and get tons of exclusive perks. Get Kill Tony + for $5/month now at https://killtony.supercast.com/ Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. This is Redmond.

Come to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get off, for Tony. It's Clay! Who's ready for the first? Welcome to Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck we doing tonight, everybody? Very exciting stuff. How exciting.

How many of you traveled here to be here tonight? Make some ways of you live in Austin, Texas. See that, look at that. Remember. I mean, these ticket drops are incredible. It's amazing that people travel from all around the world. It's amazing. How exciting.

What a beautiful crowd we have here tonight of different shapes and sizes of white people. Very exciting. Where's my Latinos at tonight? There are a lot of Latinos here? Yeah, always a lot of Latinos. What kind of Latino are you, sir? Mexican. Perfect.

Anyway. There they are. How about a hand for the Mexican portion of the band? The great Fernando Castile, Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa, Trezleches, I call them, with Michael Gonzalez, they are Wabos Rancheros tonight.

The great Dave Cher joining us on guitar. I know you're wondering, how did Matt Mueling grow all that hair? It's not Matt Mueling, it's Dave Scher. The great John D's on the Keys behind me. The leader of the band

since November of the year 2020. And believe it or not, that guy with a bass guitar right there, that is D. Madness. Thank you. An amazing show we have for you. You came on an absolutely perfect night. Before we get started, here's a little bit more

from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You can be a little piggy this August, 7th and August day and watch Kill Tony Live from Madison Square Garden on our own independent live stream. Holy moly, killtony live.com. That's where you go. You can watch both nights live. These episodes will not go on to YouTube.

They're never going to. to be a normal Monday drop. If you want to see these live Madison Square Gardens, you have to watch the stream. It's available for replay if you buy it for a few weeks, I do believe, and you can have an option of getting merch bundles as well. So go to killtonylive.com, get tickets this Thursday at noon to watch the live stream August 7th and August 8th. And if you're a real big kid, get on an airplane and join us live August 7th and August 8th, Tony Hinchcliff.com. For those and get the stream afterwards to watch again what you already saw. Boom, mind-blowing.

Pigs in the blankets all day. We'll see you there. KilltonyLive.com this Thursday at noon. I love it. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal.

You sign up. You get every new episode ad-free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes, behind the scene stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too.

It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony. That supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans. and super haters, go to killtony supercast.com. All right, back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

You know, sometimes I have three guests. Sometimes I have two guests. When things are really, really, really good, I just have one guest. Tonight is one of those nights. Because we like to let the show breathe a little bit sometimes with one guest. It gives us all more time to do what we do best. When I say a great guest,

I mean, I'm talking about the only two-time Kill Tony Hall of Fame member, the multiple time, the only multiple time guest of the year in Kill Tony history. You know him from so many great episodes, including the biggest episode ever in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of only four living members of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. this is the one and only, the undeniable, the force of nature that is known simply as Adam Ray. Right where it all started, ladies and gentlemen. And now the Adam Ray show is on Netflix. Every Friday, a new episode drops.

I mean, I feel like it really, the big boom, I have to say, I have to take some credit in your wild. success. You have to. Because I feel like you... You don't have to, but go ahead. Progression. The last few years, I mean, has just been fucking unbelievable. It's been fun.

I remember the New Year's, I think it was a New Year's Eve episode in which you were Dr. Phil. Yeah. Happy New Year! With Nicole, yeah. And then Dr. Phil, I had to use some real networking to have him bestow upon you, the guest of the year that. that year.

Yeah. It was weird to get emotional watching that. Yeah. I was like, is it okay if I cry watching him and be like, congratulations. You're, uh, it's finally, it's, you're getting famous by being me. You're fucking dirty Jew bag or whatever he said. I forget.

He didn't say that, but he said something. But to watch you, uh, get the credit that you deserve as truly one of the best comedians in the world. Have a good time, man. Love you guys. Thanks for all the love. And my wife is five months pregnant! Yeah, dude, fired up.

You were clapping for her, obviously. All I did was go, Buh, stop, stop! That's me coming. The dad is not redband. I know some of you were wondering if you had anything to do with this, but no, fired up, man.

Never thought I'd be a dad, but very close. It'd be great if it was me if I was secretly the dad and the baby comes out just like. Make some noise for me. I'm a baby. Oh, my God. Can you imagine in like 20 years if the child comes on the show, you know? Oh, it's going to happen.

Oh, God. That baby might be in the bucket tonight. Anything can happen here. Adam Ray is one of the most elite, perhaps I could say without any hesitation, the most elite guest in the history of the show. You know that over 200, God, it feels like even more tonight. Is it about 200? We hit three tonight? Probably 300.

Close to 300 names. this bucket. Feels very girthy tonight. It's filled to the top. That's just how I like it. Thick and nasty. Yeah, probably gonna keep my baby

away from the show. Yeah. I was 50-50, but that just secured it. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, you guys know what happens. They get 60 seconds on uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Red band. 13 years on the job. Still doesn't know what fucking button

the second touch. It's the second button. You might think, what is it? The 17th cue of the night? Nope, number two. You might be wondering, how long? 13 years, again. Did I mention 13 years?

Every Monday, never missed an episode for 13 years? Yikes. I'm going to let this woman who's definitely been human trafficked by this Mexican guy next to her pull the first name out of the bucket. She nervously dropped it because she wasn't expecting me to guess

that she is being trafficked. right now. How does he know? But while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, I got news for you. I know I'm hyping up a lot of things. I mean, guest of the year, Hall of Fame, this, that. I'm telling you right now, kicking off the show tonight is my favorite lead-off hitter on the show's history,

a golden ticket winner that absolutely just wins again and again and again. You know them, you love them. Truly, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. For you on this special episode, Make some fucking noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody. Sick, okay. Okay, cool. Back when I used to substitute,

one of my first assignments was special added in handy. The whole day I just kept saying, no, seriously, I'm the teacher. You know what we're all thinking. Okay. cool. That's it. When I was in school, in sex,

they taught us how to put it a condom on a banana, and they really came in handy when I fucked a banana. I saw it out brown spot, so I was like, no one any of that, you know?

But you don't need a condom for a banana. It has a kill already. It's It's good to go, you know. I'm supposed to be too long, you know. Okay, that's it. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom. Martin Phillips has done it again. Welcome back, Martin. Thank you. You look fantastic. I love that shirt. A guy in South Florida. Yeah.

We know. No other cities we're going to be guessed. Yes. It's trap. Traff Marty. Okay. I like it. True cool. What has to happen for you to become the shirt version of yourself?

I guess. I hang out with Daddrake. Yeah. I hang out with K.M. Yeah. I didn't hang out with black people. Yeah. Yeah, we put that together.

Yeah. Okay. I love it. A face tattoo would do you good. It would be like, hey, my disability. are down here. You know what I mean? Distract everyone from what's going on.

I guess it's that distracting. It's weekend. I love it. Okay. Martin, you're wearing a backpack. You know, I brought, you know, it's not a weapon. It's always concerning when a guy has a book bag, but I brought something for everybody. Oh, my goodness.

Not the audience. Because I always forgot my dog. They always forget I have a dog. You always forget my dog's name. I totally forgot you had a dog. I need you do a t-shirt. That's for me? Yeah.

Wow. I can't believe you got it in my size. What the fuck? That's going to wear that to sleep. I'm guessing that first one's Red Band. They're all really fucking big. Okay.

You grow into it. Let me see that one. What is that? That one's a rainbow. Oh, I love it. Oh, my goodness. This one's for Red Band. That's a very cool shirt, Martin.

Absolutely. Do you have the banana you fucked in that backpack, too? And this is for Michael. Sorry. That was R of K. That wasn't Martin. Sorry. Good impression.

Do they only come in 5X? I know, how do they, I get it, but it's the thought that count. It is. It is. Go for it, yeah. Whoa. I love it. Absolutely incredible.

They're literally heavy. They are, if you're wondering how big they are, they're... Oh, that's theilded. They are heavy. I love it. Very sweet. Oh, okay. Is there a little something in there?

No, other than. Oh, okay. I'm checking. I'm checking. All good. No, we're going to wait until you zip it up. I know you were waiting for us to look the other way, but we're not going to... Hey, thank you.

Martin, thank you. Martin, how often are you giving out gifts? Like, that was a very shibble-less thing. It's my first time being gracious. To you, asshole. That's great. No, it's great. I can't wait to wear this shirt.

You can wear it to bed. Yeah. Oh, totally. I absolutely can't wait. We'll definitely be at home, and it'll be on a big off day, for sure. Yeah, close the windows, lower the blinds, turn off all the lights. Aren't you on, like, the 30th floor anyway, you know? I've been docks.

everybody by my own. I help these people. All I do is help their lives, all their careers and then what do I get in return? It was on the 30th floor. You son. I'm the second impression How dare you? I'm on the 30th floor.

Was that your impression of me? How dare you? So yeah, I kind of. Oh my God. I was going for it. Oh my God. Yeah. Absolutely unbelievable.

Martin. Martin, could you sweat more? It's going to ask. I know what's going on. I swear it's hot in here. It's not. It's literally 76.6.6 degrees. We keep a thermometer here on this stage at all times.

I guess that is a little hot, huh? No. Yeah, too, make head, too, 71, 72. That's, look, that's acceptable. Look, the AC costs a lot. of money. And as you know, Joe Rogan is really struggling nowadays. It is tough.

Spotify only gives them hundreds of millions of dollars, and he doesn't want to spend any of it on keeping you dry. I'm always like in a state of moist. Some type of wet.

The heavy sweater, I don't know. It's very unfortunate. Speaking of a heavy sweater, people can get that. The merch at Martin Phillips.com. It's a six-ex. The T-shirts double is... Winter jackets.

Heavy sweaters available this Christmas. Martin Phillips merch. You should make shirts of that. I mean, I don't want to tell you how to live your life. It's not my... It's the dude. I can't steal his idea. Just ask him if you can get the...

I don't know. Okay, yeah. Yeah, it's how good she is. I would buy... What about the dog thing? Don't you buy the dogs? Do I have to answer now, or can I get back to you? Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'll wear this, yeah. But that's very cool. Oh, yeah. So you could bottle a little bit of the sweat up with it, you know? Yeah, it's like in Florida right now. You're thriving. Martin, unbelievable way to get the show started. We love you.

Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. And to the bucket we go. This is the heartbeat of the show. As you know, anything good. It could be the next great talent. It could be an insane person. Anything can happen. It could be an old person that's been waiting decades

to be discovered. It could be someone that started just a couple months ago that's a prodigy. Could be good, could be bad. Your first bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Chin Way. Here we go. What up, y'all?

I got some jokes. Just the other day, this I pulled a fast one on me. Maybe I just came early. I was 13 when I saw my dad's dick for the first time. Looks a lot smaller than it feels. Y'all know those cigaretteos called Black and Mild? Never liked that name.

Because blacks are not mild. I never understood how my grandparents can be so racist. How they can see color. Have we seen the photos back then? Just earlier, this homeless guy was asking me for money. In my head, I thought, God bless you. Because I'm not going to. Well, that's it.

Well, that's it. Chinway. Welcome, welcome. Our first fucking pool of the night. So when you say blacks aren't mild. I like to think it was a compliment. Do you have a lot of black friends? One in Austin.

What's his name? Chris. Where did you meet Chris at? Chris Brenham. We worked at a... Chris Brown. No, no, no, no. Yeah, it doesn't count.

Granum. We worked at a bar together. You worked together. So you didn't really, like, find this friend. You were assigned to work with him. You did not have a choice in the matter. Yeah, yeah. I would have seek...

No, no, I'm joking. I'm joking. He's the cool guy. Okay. He's a cool guy. Chinway, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About five years now, but I took a real long break.

Was the break about four and a half years? Apparently, huh? No, it's all right. Why did you take such a long break? I got a little distracted, actually. I got working on a side project. What was the side project? I wrote a movie.

Okay, what's the movie about it? But I actually wrote with Red Band and Adam Ray in mind for, you know, producing it. Oh, you want them to give you money to make this movie after you just did that set. And make all the money from it. Okay. Do I have to answer now? Can I sleep on it?

I got to wear the shirt tomorrow. I got to do a lot of stuff, so. Maybe you'll want to sleep on it. Yeah. What, do you mind if we, I would love to hear the pitch. Yeah. What does it call it, first of all? Rush hour four.

So it's going to be called. My friend Chris is black, something that would actually work out. Yeah. But it's either called Allahaha or Taliban. Ah. It would have been cooler if you said

we're going to do two girls, one cup, the sequel. Okay, well, let's not let the title, let's not judge a book by its cover. What's the premise? Give me like a couple log lines. We're thinking about two canceled comedians ends up in the Middle East,

finds out that Taliban are more of their audience than Americans. And as the war comes to an end, they're stuck in a struggle of democracy or fame. And I thought of a good sequel, it could be like, Allah ha ha ha. Wow, you're already working on the sequel.

I misjudged you, I'm in. That's not at all what I thought he was going to come back with. There's actually a lot of heart in it. That's cool. I like the thing I'm making fun of the right things. Yeah. No doubt. We just saw that in your set, yeah.

Yeah. What do you do for a living, Chinway? Right now, I'm laying epoxy garage floors. How did you get good at that? I had a bar guest that was a regular. He was like, you want to fucking lay garage floors? You know, why not, right? You know? It's been a cool guy.

Okay. Went from working with hot chicks to working on laying hot floors, you know? Okay. And you don't see any hot chicks anymore? Oh, no. I see just all Mexicans. Oh, okay. You don't like Mexicans?

No, no, no. I mean, I like their food. Okay. He likes your food. Fucking around. No, none of that. None of that. How old are you?

How do you think I'd look? Fun game, let's do this. Okay. I am Asian. Say it again? I am Asian, so it's wide range. Well, since you want us to guess your age, I'm guessing you're a 23-year-old female. I'm guessing 26.

26. Oof, I kind of want to price is right, one dollar, everybody, and say like 45. Oh, shit. But I think you're... 26 wins, 28. Wow. Yay, baby. Wow.

You just named all the lucky numbers. Tiger style. Incredible. Tiger style? Wu Tang. You're the tiger. Oh, okay. Wow.

All right, man. Your Spotify is wild. What was the last time you were on stage? I was on Killed 22 years ago on August. How did that go? Tell us about your last... I don't have kissed a cougar. Ah.

Tiger style. Did the secret show? Well played. Well played. Me a little tiger. You got a little tiger? Very good. That's a leopard, but we'll take it.

Tiger's one lower. Yeah, that sounds like it. That sounds like something that would make out with this fucking guy. Thanks? Yes, absolutely. What is your love life like, Chinway? I can just picture you eating pussy for days. I mean, you look like a guy that you would have to, you'd have to fucking...

All I do is bang, you know? Tell us about it. Tell us about it, Chinway. What is your, what's your big pickup line? When you like a girl, what do you say to her? You seem like the kind of guy that literally gets all the pussy. Which way, Chinway? No way.

No way. You really do that? No, it never works. Oh, yeah, yeah. For pickup lines, I think he was referring to. Do you have, like, how do you break the ice? Or break the rice in your case. Damn.

Let me ask. you this. Let me make it easier on you, Chinway. When's the last time you were with a woman? To find a with. That's a weird answer. Yeah. A couple months ago, but I think it was a drunken mistake. But you know, whatever, I'll be that mistake. Okay, so you were drunk? Be all right. Everyone was drunk. Everyone was drunk. Everyone was drunk. And take us through it. Was this a bigger girl? Is that why you're saying a drunken mistake? Oh, no, no. I think I was her drunken mistake. Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

So, yeah. Unfortunately. Unfortunately. Unfortunately. So take us through it. Like you, you guys were drinking, you're having fun,

and then you go back to your place. You go to her place. Then we got drunk. We took a Waymo. We made it out. And then... Where'd you take the Waymo, too? Back to her place.

Her place. Now, is there a reason why you didn't want to go back to your place? No, no. You have like a race car, bed? What's up? Do you have a race car bed?

I wish, dude. Probably crashed with damage, heavy, heavy bumper damage on the race car bed. Oh, I reckon my bed. How do I reckon my bed? We are such a bad driver. I reckon my bed. All right, all right.

We're having too much fun here with you. I've been holding back my Asian impression. I was able to last seven and a half minutes. That's a new, I'm a new man. All right. So you go back to her place. And what do you, what do you remember about her place? Do you remember anything weird?

Did she have, like, perhaps, like, one of those things hanging up in her living room that zaps bugs? No, that's a sad thing. It was all great, you know, and then... It was what? It was all great. That's a sad thing. It was all great.

It was all gray? Everything was all great. Great. It was all great. Okay. His Asian accent really sneaks up out of nowhere. He speaks really good English, and then all of a sudden, It was hungry.

It was ugly. I thought my Asian accent was offensive, and then yours, my friend, a whole new level. It was all a gravy. It was great. It was great. See. Okay.

So it was all great. Her place was great. The sex was great. We didn't get there. You didn't get there. Where did you get? Did you make out with her? Yes.

Okay, take us through that. How long do you think you made out for? Where do you think it went wrong? Did you, like, do anything weird? Did you do something with your hands? Or is I like to talk, as I call them with Asian men, you're Hans. We have a famous Asian comedian named Hans here. I like to think I didn't pull a Hans.

Okay, no, go ahead. What did you do? Yeah, what should you do? Yeah, what you made out? Yeah. Every red light. But to be fair, Might have been way drunk.

Are you sure it was a red light? Because you guys, I gotta tell you, when you're behind the wheel, red light, green light. I can't have denied that. I don't know what I was that. It's a waymo. Why did you wait for the red light?

That is a great point, Red Band. You know, once every 45 episodes or so, Red Band will just be an absolute genius for just a moment. Sometimes you really crack a case. Why would you wait? It might be disreaching. respectful.

So about that movie. Ooh, a red the right. Perfect time for the keys. I think what Tony's getting at is like, what's your, what's the move? Because, you know, making out, I think it's a great, you know, way to initiate whatever, you know, that maybe things are going to continue down, down a fun path. So what, how do you take things up a notch once you feel like we can only make out for,

you know, so much longer? Can you make the question a little bit longer out of? Sure. Yeah. I got it. I got it. I got, I understood. What's what you're doing for work? I understood. I understood.

Like, what's like, you know, like, Martin does banana stuff? Like, what's your... Granted. What's your thing? Granted, nothing really works all the time, but out of what works the most. Yeah. I feel like usually if you give a girl a head, that's a pretty green light to go home. It's a green light.

Yeah. And it's what we follow that. So you, okay, so you said... I feel like, you know... So you make out to the point to where you're like, it's time to beat your pussy. And then... And then I'm going to get back in that waybo that I...

kept running outside because I knew this was going to be quick. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Have you ever... No other question, John. Have you ever asked a girl? Have you ever just been straight up with a girl and gone,

Can I eat your pussy? Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting that answer. It was a setup to a joke I was going to do, but I'm surprised. It never works? No. Wow.

Have you ever asked a girl? Can I eat your pussy? Wow. A woman just said no. That is incredible. Exhibit A. That is incredible. I don't think I would ever refer to a potential mate as Exhibit A.

Oh, well, no. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So now, so you've been doing comedy for five years off and on. Mostly off. I've been a little distracted with like script writing. I'm kind of trying to transition.

Yeah. Who would you? Who do you see? I know you said Red Band and myself. But who do you? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to hear you over all the disrespect.

Yeah. There is disrespect. I heard a specific laugh out there. There was a specific, there was a guy that was cackling at your transition to script writing. He literally went, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It was amazing. One more time, please. I don't know. What was that question? I was going to say, you know, you mentioned Redbin and I, but who is like your dream cast in this movie?

Yeah, by the way, thanks a lot, asshole. What the fuck? You have everybody, well, I wrote a movie for the band, Adam. I don't know if you were feeling. Tony, but we would love to have you, man. Oh, you would love to have me. Wow, thank you.

I think I'm a little busy. No, it's great. I spent way too much time with you. The time is just flown by with you, Chinway. You are a fun person to interview. What size joke book did you get two years ago? I got a small one. Well, guess what, my friend.

This time, you're getting an extra large t-shirt from Martin Phil. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. God, for the first time in the show's history, the first person to ever win, a triple XL t-shirt. Oh, my goodness. Absolute history being made here tonight. What's going on? Why do you still have the microphone in your hands?

One more thing, brother. You want to say one more thing? Okay, what is it? I just want to give a shout-out to them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this ain't the shout-out show. Put it in. Chinway, put the mic back. Okay, what's the shout-out?

Now I feel bad. Go ahead. His name is Zorberg-Gayshung. He wrote the movie with me. Okay. All right, Chinway. Get the fuck out of here. There he goes.

Chinway, everybody. Luckily, his accent went crazy during that shoutout. I would like to give a shoutout to his own generation. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, there she is. The first lady of Kill Tony. The lovely Heidi, everybody.

I'd also like to shout out my seventh grade P.E. teacher, Mr. Tangan. You were the first one to believe in me. I think you're dead, but I'll check it out on Facebook later. Shout out to all the gym teachers. Augie Diomato. Shout out to you. Rick Resetar.

Rick Resetar. Yeah. It's a real guy. Those were my gym teachers growing up. Fill me up Phillips. I know you molested everyone except me, but that's all right. Mr. Resetar. I never forget that name, Resetar.

We'd have taken a wildly sincere moment and just make it super creepy, Red Band. But I'm sorry that happened to you. It didn't happen to me. That's why... Well, that's what the person would say who it happened to the most. Picture this. A neighbor waters your plan

during a long trip or a doctor takes the time to personally call you with test results. It may not seem like much, but to me, when someone goes that extra step, it leaves a lasting positive impression.

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Did you know that four out of five employers who posts on ZipRecruiter, get a qualified candidate within the first day. Try it for free today at ZipRecruiter.com slash kiltony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash kiltony. ZipRecruiter. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. I know what this audience is feeling.

I know. That was an Asian comedian we just had up there. What if I were to tell you? You're about to get another Asian comedian. Your next bucket pool. We know him. He's a comedy store guy. I believe now he lives in Austin, Texas.

Make some noise for our pal. Fang Chow, everybody. It's the return of Bang Chow with a brand new minute here. I moved to America from China 10 years ago. Now that I'm a real American, I love bacon cheeseburgers. Ford F-150 and reporting Chinese immigrants to ice

What I also love about America is I go use public bathroom here I don't have to squat down shit in a hole next to five naked Chinese dudes what a country there's a product here for sale on Amazon It's called squatty potty.

It's a little stool you put under your toilet. It lifts up your legs, make you squat while you sit on the toilet. For 2995, you can feel like you're shitting in a Chinese prison. Thank you. Bang Chow. Like if someone injected Chinwei with testosterone and jokes. I love it.

Welcome, truly representing the Asian community. Very good job. This is not a man that took a four and a half year break out of his five-year career. Fang Chow's been going hard for how long now? 12 years. 12 years. You were at the comedy store 12 years ago. Am I correct?

Or was that you started in China? Yeah, starting in China, yeah. Born there. Yeah, at the store 12 years. Yeah, amazing. And you live in Austin now, right? Yes, sir. For how long now?

Two and a half years. Two and a half years. That's what I would have guessed. Absolutely perfect. Love the material. Great stuff. How's life been, Fing, Chow? Good.

Very good. Tell us more. Very good. Break it down for us. Fali in love, got a hot girlfriend. How long has that been going on? Two years. Two years.

Yeah, I get to come in her every single day. Oh, my goodness. That's why I'm American. Wow. I jits in your women's pussy. Oh, my God. Look at you. It's an American.

girl? Yes. So it's a what? What's her name? Exhibit A? It's a callback to the other. All right. We're going to cut this out. It's Combo B. What's her name? Combo B. Her name's combo B?

No, no. Combo B. I was trying to be funny. Caroline. Oh, nice. Where did you guys meet? Where do we meet? App. Ooh. I love that you just say the word app. That's amazing. Good.

Almost seems kind of suspicious. Postoff. It's always suspicious. What was it? Uber Eats or something? What's going on here? That's incredible. Yeah. So it was a big dating app?

Bumble. Bambaro. Yeah. We love Bambaro. I love it. So that first date, what did you guys do? We went to eat pie. Oh, nice.

We went to eat pie. Tiny pies. Anyone know tiny pies in town? Tiny pie. sounds like another Asian bucket pool I might pull up. Patrick's looking at for tiny pie, ladies and gentlemen. Her are our tiny pie? Me have so many jokes.

Yeah, it was good. We had pie and, yeah, I asked her out again. She's like, yeah. Do you remember what kind of pie you had that magical night? Great question. Meet key lime pie. Oh, good pick. We love key lime pie here.

That is Red Band's pie of choice. What's your favorite pie, Adam Ray? the world wants to know. We've had you on so many episodes. I've never gotten a chance to ask you about your life of pie. Probably, uh, classic pumpkin, you know?

Okay. Classic. Yeah. Maybe Apple if I'm getting crazy. Sure. You ever have rhubarb. Ooh, rhubarb. And northern Ohio delicacy.

You really were molested. Rubarb. Who says rhubarb? That was one of our gym teachers. You got Mr. Rubarb. Rude. Rude. was her name. She was a lesbo.

We called her rude barb. Do you remember your gym teacher's name here in the great country of the United States of America? Or did you spend most of your schooling in China? In China. Okay. How old were you when you moved to America? 25. Okay. What was the biggest culture shock when you moved to America? What was the thing that really blew your mind the most?

Other than the lack of leaky laboratories that you had in China, at least a global disease? lack of squatty parties. You love basketball, I bet. I bet basketball is it? I do love basketball. What is the biggest thing, Edica? There's too many choices here in America. You go to, like, a big fucking supermarket.

Mm-hmm. You go to, like, a fucking supermarket. You get, like, 50 kinds of cereal. You're like, oh, yeah, that's why I moved here. Yeah. Cereal is out of control. What's your cereal a choice, Adam? Um, when I was a kid, was cookie crisp.

But that's also why I had tits as a fifth grader. Yeah. I mean, a bowl of chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Hey, mom, can I borrow your bra? The only cereal with criminals on the box. Oh, yeah. They had white robbers. Very rare to find in public, easy to find on a cereal box.

Frosted Flakes, I loved a lot. You know, one of my first jokes, I just remember this, that I did at an open mic, it was so poor when I was starting out, and I had frosted flakes cereal a lot for dinner. And I remember having frosted flakes for dinner one day. And I was saying this on stage and I go, I was having frosted flakes for dinner tonight because it's super poor, whatever.

And instead of, you know, the slogan is, they're great. But as I was eating it in my head, all I heard was, I'm sad. Right. And it got, it actually got way more laughs here than it did then. But yeah. No, yeah. I had frosted flakes for dinner many a times.

Yeah. And I got to tell you, that is the... Still would. You've heard of Wheaties is the breakfast of champions. Yeah. Frosted flakes is the dinner. of single moms. That's what that is.

You had a single mom, then you had frosted. Who was raised by a single mom out there tonight? Dude, keep it going for single moms. Very sad people. They all raise their hands

instead of clapping. Do you have cereal? What's your cereal? I very rarely eat cereal, but when I do, believe it or not, I am an oatmeal guy. Some people say that I eat like a horse.

You sure you're not a fruity pebbles guy? Whoa. Whoa. I'll put it in your cocoa crisp. You keep talking naughty like that. I'm going to put a condom on my banana. You know what I'm saying? Fung Chow.

What's your favorite thing about Austin, Texas, before we get you out of here? Because I've watched you go, right, from Los Angeles. We were in L.A. together. You were working at the comedy store. I remember it all so clearly. And now you're here. You're a real Texan.

And I'd imagine for a sweet little Chinese boy like you, it's a little bit different. I am sweet. Yes, you are. Sweet and sour sometimes. Extremely sour. I love Buckees. Ah, good answer.

Can't get enough. Yeah. Super gas station. Yeah. Fucking America. Well, guess what, my friend? It's funny you say that because the great bonsai, who makes all the joke books,

and they're available for sale at killmerch.com, just so happen to make a custom Bucky's big joke book Kill Tony. And guess what, my friend? You're getting it. The great Fung Chow, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on social media. That's F.C. 8080, right? Yeah, the great Fung Chow.

Known him for over a decade. Time flies in this crazy industry. I'll tell you, this looks like a new name to me, everybody. Different handwriting. There's some quotations here. There's a lot going on here. Make some noise. Is this big?

I believe it is. It's either Billy or big. We're going to say Big Ed 90 days. Here he is. Big Ed, everybody. Tony fucked up my name. So a lot of... I'm Big Ed, obviously. So a lot of people call me Big Ed,

but they don't know why they call me Big Ed. Anyway, so I love Austin. Fantastic crowd. I mean, you guys are fantastic, but I was at 3 studio... No, 3 studio working out today. I had my nose and somebody's yoga. But you guys are so healthy.

You guys are so healthy, and I'm on a journey, a healthy journey, but I was reading in Men's Health magazine that the best way to get in the shape is to have sexual intercourse. Oh, shit, I just told everybody I'm not having sex. Anyways. So, how you doing? Is he gay or no? Oh, got it.

Okay, good. He goes both ways. Anyways, four corners. Anyway, so I'm obviously heterosexual, but if I were gayser, my deep throat would be... It would be epic. All right, Big Ed.

All right, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Big Ed. Cheer me up. Welcome, Big Ed. I'm not such a huge fan of you, dude. You have no idea. I've seen you on something.

I don't know what. I know you from something. I was showering with rats or giving you. girl's toothpaste or having her shaver. I love it. You are the world's largest shrimp. I've never seen anything quite like it. You remind me of one of those dogs

with like a bad spine or something. They're like... The raccoon. The raccoon in a... Timothy. I don't know exactly... You were talking about getting in shape. I don't know what shape that is. It appears to be an octagon or something like that.

That is Sinait's Doritos, joke of the night. This is something else. This is absolutely incredible. Where's Carr at? Where did he go? Who? The guy, the English dude. He's really funny. Jimmy Carr? That was two weeks ago.

Jimmy Carr? He left. That was two weeks ago. No, it wasn't. Were you? What? I thought he was tonight, no? That was recorded two weeks ago.

Yeah. Right now is right now. This is Jimmy Carr right here. Oh, this is. This is him. This is what he looks like in real life. Yeah, I'll be Jimmy Car. Where was your neck?

Wait, what? Wait, what? Wait, what? I said, I said, up, just watch the YouTube episode. Okay, never got that. Seriously, he wasn't here tonight. Am I on track? No, you're doing okay. Big Ed, less questions from you. Okay.

More answers coming up. Here we go. Big Ed, so let's talk about it. I'm guessing by, I'm putting it together in my head here. I'm guessing by your name that I know you from the show, 90-day fiancé. Am I correct? Now, I've seen clips of this. I don't really get to sit down and watch TV that often.

take us through, what have I missed? What are you known for on that show for people like me that might not know? You got half a standing ovation from the crowd. Very rare for a bucket pool, I have to tell you. Especially a bucket pool shaped like the actual bucket. It is incredible. It is absolutely amazing.

Your head is small, so it actually, if we took the Undertaker and put him there, like, this is what you look like. Your legs are very tiny. So hold on, let me finish this science fair project I'm doing. Your legs are very tiny, so it looks like... That's... This is what you look like.

That's... That's... This is you. That's gonna be... That's gonna be my new headshot, I think. Okay, so short story long, I met a girl on Facebook, never heard of the show.

I bought a ticket. I went to the Philippines. I showered with rats. A true story. I'm big ed. Look at me. I'm big head. Hey, you said my name wrong, Tony.

I'm a big fan of the show. Talk to me. He's having play time. Yeah. And she had really bad breath in hairy legs, and I had her ask her to shave her legs and brush her teeth, and I got in a lot of trouble. And then I came back to the States,

and I got shot at Mexico, and then I... You got what in Mexico? I went to Mexico with another... I'm bad at relationships. You have no idea. I bet I could guess. There you go. So, yeah, so I suck at relationships.

So my last fiancé, we broke up like 16 times. And, yeah. Which means you got back together. 15 times. Yes. What's your trick of getting back together with somebody?

Big Ed. Oh, I see. Yeah. I'm serious. I'm pretty good. Anyway, so... So I suck at relationships. It's pretty obvious.

He's built like a snowman who's carrots in the wrong place. You know what I'm saying? It's like when a naughty little kid gets a carrot. And I like carrots. My mom makes really good carrots, by the way. It doesn't look like you eat

a ton of carrots, Big Ed. I got to be honest. What did your mom make care? How did your mom make care? It's Red Band with another great question. This guy's really spotting the loopholes here tonight. The king of the poop holes is spotting the loophole. With onions and bell peppers, it's really good.

Okay. All right. Her name is Norma, by the way. She's taking care of my dogs in Arkansas. How many dogs do you have? Three. Okay. And are they all English bulldogs like you?

That hurt. No, they're... That really... They're Maltese and a multi-poo. I love it. They're awesome. Hell yeah. I love dogs.

So, Big Ed. Let me ask you this. You're in the reality show business, right? Well, what other, how do you make money other than that? So I have a Big Ed Mulbeck that's in 500 Walmarts right now. It's a what? Big Ed, what? It's a Mulbeck from Argentina.

Oh, you make wine. Yes, sir. That's incredible. So Argentina imported. And then I also... You're shaped like the barrel that they're made in, by the way. So that's incredible. This hurts.

No, you're doing good. Don't poop on this stage. I won't. I promise. And then I'm also in real estate. I do flippers with my best friend David Wheeler. I don't think you can say that anymore, but yeah. Okay, I can't do that.

No. Sorry, stupid joke. I do real estate and then, and I'm on cameo. I'm number one in the world in cameo. Wow, that's incredible. Are you really? I'm serious. What's your rate?

I've done over 25,000 videos. Wow. I'm not the most expensive, though, but I'm pretty funny. I love it. I love it. I put a chip. I'm sticking head on and I skate her on my living room on my scooter. Okay.

I'm not kidding. And my mom's sitting in my recliner with my dogs. She doesn't even pay attention. I love it. That's awesome. To La Bamba. I'm not making this up. No, we're doubting anything you're saying.

Everything you're saying. Everything you've said so far, no one's like, whoa, how many times did you talk? There's no way your mom's just sitting there through all of this. Oh, her name's Norma? Yeah. Jill, you mean? You guys, I've not worked in seven years.

I'm not kidding. I've not had a job in seven years. I do cammy. That's all they do. Where's your Adam's apple at? That is a good question. That's right. The apple is with the carrots. It's a children's book you could write. Big Ed. Hey, hey, I don't like you.

I'm just kidding. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He said he was kidding. Whoa, whoa, he's kidding, man. And if I'm only kidding. I'm only kidding. He's kidding. Wait, Big Ed.

He's flirting with a girl that is literally with a cartel member right now. Big Ed, take it easy. Take it easy. She's really hot, by the way. Sorry, pardon me. Okay, you're good. Let's not forget he ended his step

by going like, are you gay? And he was like, all right. Well, if you were, I would fucking die. But that was just part of my bit. I know. No, you're good. We know. I wrote it now.

My buddy Darren Garrett wrote it. I feel like there's like, because, again, I don't, I haven't watched your work, Right? I haven't seen it. But I know for a fact, there's like a viral clip. I can't remember what it is. I like the view. You're my best view. What? You're on the view, the show? No, so what happened was the show came out. Uh-huh. And COVID didn't work out for a lot of people. But for me, it made me viral because there's nothing on TV. Right. And the... There's like a big moment, something super viral happened. So Rose and I, I like the view was the number one training meme in the world through COVID. So that's how I became... I like the view. Do you know what he's talking about?

I like the view. You're my best view. Yeah. Not you, but you know what I mean? Yes. And what was the face you made in the meme? I, because I can't turn my neck. I kind of. And that's why they made fun of me because I go, she goes, she goes, I like the view.

And I had to turn my whole body. And I go, you're my best view. And then she goes, eh. Ah. That might be it. We both became famous. I'm serious. Yeah, you were mega famous for a bit, right?

Yes, sir. Like, how did that feel? Well, it was kind of crazy at first. because I would go to the dentist and, like, elderly women would come up to me. I'd be sitting in the office. They just start whacking me with a magazine. And I'm like...

What, did they think you were a bug or something? No, no, no. Like, behave. Like, you've... They wouldn't see anything. She just whack me. And then, but... I'm serious.

I'm not making that up. But my best compliment that I've ever got in my entire life was... Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. So, I'm in... We're good.

You two of me right now. I'm in Newport B. Stop pointing at people. Look at me. I'm in Northport Beach. And this seven-year-old kid skates around, or eight, I don't know. Doesn't fucking matter. Just keep going. Yeah.

He can be 55 years old. He skates around the corner. He's all sweaty and he looks at me like this. He goes, are you the TikTok guy? And I go, yes, I am. And he goes, you're a legend. And then he skates off. Wow.

And that's it. That's the best compliment I've ever gotten. Wow. For more fun stories like this, get a cameo from Big Ed. They're $900. How much are your cameos? You guys are really awesome. $69.

But do you get it? Awesome. 60 not. Okay, big add. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Can I, if I give you my phone and, like, I don't know, Venmo you or something, will you make a cameo for my mom? It's her birthday in a couple weeks. Let's do it right now. For real? Alive. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Kill Tony history. You are inside.

I'm going to give you the algorithm right now, for you are watching a live cameo on a podcast. That's a live show. Her name is Carolyn. All right, here we go. Hey, Carolyn, Bigot here. Obviously, listen, you're my best view. I love you.

I'm here with your son. He's a little weird. But I'm hanging out with Kill Tony and there's a girl in the front row that's driving me crazy. I'll probably die tonight. But anyways, I love you. You're my best view

and happy birthday. Happy birthday. You can wish you're happy January 6th or whatever. Do the deep throat bit. You'll like it. What was that? What you ended your set with? Oh, no, I can't do that.

All right, here we go. All right, how, what's her name? Carolyn. All right, Carol, I'm not gay, but if I was, my deep throat would be, okay, I'm going to go to confession on Saturday. So I can get communion on Sunday. Is that cameo or a Netflix documentary?

This is incredible. Both. Thank you. All right. Big Ed, before I let you go, this is another long interview. I mean, I've let this get out of control. Sorry, I just spit something. But I have nowhere.

Oh, that's crazy. Let me sell this on eBay. Big Ed, Little Spit, season two. Those were buffalo wings come down the street. We can test his DNA. See how much comes back for wild animal. Big Ed. Yes, sir.

Let me ask you this. Yes, sir. Because, like, you know, reality. shows this, that. What is something that's crazy about your life that you've never talked about publicly, that nobody knows about? Or perhaps something that people don't know about 90-day fiance or your time there or anything. Give us like a breaking. Give us an exclusive Big Ed breakthrough. Breaking news. Okay, here we go. So I used to work at a country coming Belavis said this is a true story.

I used to bus tables and all these guys would come in with these beautiful women. And I I'm like, one day I'm going to stuff in your face. Wait, well, you're going to what? I mean, I'm going to give him the business. Like, I'm going to be more successful. What are you? What are you? Gangster from the 30s?

Yes. Yeah. Give me the business. Why? When I get my hands on you, it's going to be a whippersnapper. Hey. Are you hungry? Because I got a knuckle sandwich with your name.

Yeah, right now I'm bussing tables. But one day, I'm going to be busing you. I'm like, look, you banker. I'm going to gut punch you one day. Which would be your move. Yes. So then I'm there with my crazy ex like two years ago before I moved back

and I'm in the same country club and everybody obviously knows who I am. And I go, and I told her full circle this is like it actually happened. So I never knew how I was going to be famous. I never knew the what, the who, what, where, when and why. And here I am.

I'm on your fucking show. Well, you got pulled out of the bucket. I know. Okay, well, I was in. in a bucket. It's not like you're on panel or anything, Big Ed. Come on.

I'm really, I didn't merely make it, right? No, you're doing great. You stuck around longer than probably most of that. You're doing great. You made the most of it. No.

But seriously, I fell in love with you guys. Hold on. So you're at the country club. You almost finished the story. Was that it? You were, you were busing at the country club.

Then you ate at the country club. So there was Liz. And I go, hey, can I take you to show you where I grew up? And then she's like, no, this is all about you, and then we got a big fight. Ah.

And now we're divorced. Now I kicked her out. I mean, well, I didn't kick her out, but I ask her to leave politely. Have any of your relationships just ever ended easy, breezy? No. Well, I broke up with her 14 times via text. It's like Rick Flair, by the way, 16-time heavyweight champion. So, yeah, I'm not good at love.

I'm just kidding. No, I'm just not. I'm not good at it. Do you want to be? Yes. I do. You like... Hey, I met somebody.

We went to her gym. Her name is Ashley. She's really cute. Let me ask you this. Where do you live now, Big Ed? So I live in Arkansas. Okay. How long have you been in Austin?

Four days. Let me ask you this. Yes, sir. In your four days here, have you kissed a girl in Austin, Texas? You haven't? What do we turn up the Red Box here? Let me tell you something.

We have a special segment on this show that we do every once in a while. Is there a kill? Tony female fan out there that's willing to come up and give this guy a big kiss. This lady out here? Straight back. Straight back. Down to there, lady.

Come on up here. This is something we love to do ever since the show started. Don't everybody come up at once. No, we are... Big Ed. Big Ed. Big Ed. She's already coming. You don't get to pick.

You don't get to, like, be rapy about it. They already hired somebody. They already hired somebody. I'm kidding. I want this lady right there. I'm gonna step a face Jesus Christ Big Ed

Here she comes Oh my gosh Wow Wow look how lucky you are Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait You got a face sideways So the cameras can see it So wait one second

Wait Big Ed you're gonna ruin this What is it you're like 90 second Fiance up here You just don't blow it What are you gonna say right now With or without tongue A good question Put the mic up to her mouth

I have a pretty long tongue So I don't know if you can Yeah that means Yes. Okay, sweetheart. What's your name? My name is Brooklyn. Oh, Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, meet a fucking Manhattan. That hurt a little bit. That's like her a little bit. Wait, wait, wait. Brooklyn, do you know how big it is? Yes. So this is kind of a cool, this is, you know, are you starstruck? Have you bought a cameo for me yet? No.

Hey, what? Shut the fuck up. Dude, you're about to get a free kiss. Yeah, you really. This is not where you pitch your business ideas. Yeah, just be in the moment, dude, trust yourself. ABC, always be closing. Yes.

CYX, W, UTS, O, and M, LK, J, I, H, U.S. ADC, B, C, B.I. All I heard was UTI. I don't know what she said there exactly. He said ABC and she said the entire alphabet. Right. I love it. She thinks she's at a DUI checkpoint right now.

This is perfect. So you're, I mean, okay, what do we do? Ladies and gentlemen, all you have to do is have a good old makeout session. Wait, Ben. Wait, big, wait, band needs some love music, right? So we band play some love music. Whoa. Oh my God, Big Ed.

Big Ed, grab that microphone. How do you feel right now? That was better than being on the show. Wow. Sorry, sorry. Amazing. No, it's amazing. Oh, he just said you're hot.

Let me ask you this. Brooklyn, grab that mic. How did Big Ed kiss? Was it good? That was actually, it wasn't expecting that. He was good. Wow. Did you taste his lungs?

That's a red card right there. That's a red card. Oh, my goodness. Anyways. Oh, my goodness. By the way, does the timeout signal for a red card. No, you're awesome. Fuck.

Oh, my goodness. And look at that. Her roots are like the carrots that your mom grows. So, hold on. So, do I get to go home with you? Whoa, no. You don't get the Big Ed. No.

Big Ed is the king of cock blocking himself, ladies and gentlemen. Do I get to take it? Like, it's a joke book. Do I get to take a home? with me? Christ. No, you don't get to. Unless she wants to.

Oh, my goodness. Look at the chits on this one. And also, she has some too. I'm going to be here until Wednesday. All right. Brooklyn. State till Thursday. Brooklyn, here's a big joke book.

You get that. Congratulations. You are a legend. Oh, my goodness. Big Ed. Squeezing a little too tight. Oh, really good. Whoa, look at Big Ed checking out the goods on the way out,

like a real creepozoid. He's fucking, he's like, he looks like one of the Wonka kids in Wonka was like, the factory is yours, Charlie. Hey, can I shout out my tattoo artist's guy from Sadie Hague? What? The fuck!

Only if he also wrote Al-a-ha-ha-ha. You know, my... Oh, my God. Wow. What the fuck is going on right now? Oh, my God. How many birds do you have? Wait, are these all falcons?

What are they? Guardian angels, sir. Guardian Angels? Wow. And he's in San Diego. I didn't realize South Florida had its own San Diego.

That's incredible. No, I go to San Diego just to get my tattoos. I love that. Big Ed, you are like the longest interview in the show's history. Here's a big joke book, buddy.

Unbelievable times. Incredible. Love you guys. God bless you. We love you. One of the funniest penguins in the world, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Big Ed.

There he is. Big Ed, put the mic in the mics. Grab the mic stand. Put it on the X. Put the microphone. there you go. Big Ed. Clean up after yourself. There he goes with his joke book. There goes Big Ed, ladies and gentlemen. Big Ed, get the fuck out of here. I love you. Get out of here. Jesus Christ almighty. All right. Ladies and gentlemen. By the way, that's just crazy that that just happened, by the way.

I mean, that was awesome. I have to be honest, I've never seen the show. But I, I, uh, I, I, uh, I. I know who he is. The place went crazy. Your bug joke is going to get, deserves a lot more than I got. What did I just casually said, you said, you said old women smacked me in the dentist's office and you go,

because they thought you were a bug? That is true. That is true. I almost died of laughter at that for some reason. Jovial, a jovial guy. I mean, like, he is bug-esque. Where's the zapper? Here, grab that zapper.

Every once in a while, during the summer heat, of Texas. We have a little fly issue. And we like to kill flies live. We're the only major broadcasted show in which we kill flies live. On the show, they are lingering around

the Mexican couple. Spoiler alert. Shit. It's a quick little fella. I think Big Ed just turned into the fly. Everybody. One second, he's Big Ed. He's like, I'm out of here.

Zzzzzzz. Here we go. There we go. Oh, I think he got it. And now we move on to a golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy won his golden ticket about a year ago. Very, very funny man. Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Orhoun Timor, everybody.

Make some noise for Orhoun, everyone. Thank you guys. I met Biggat back there. Man has a hickey, doesn't have a neck. I don't know how you guys achieve that. It's really good. Do you guys like immigrants? No, you don't.

I understand. Listen, I came to this country 15 years ago. I was very into it, like, melting pot, different cultures. Then I got my citizenship. I was like, okay, it melted enough, I think. How much gimmicks. I struggled a lot. Like, my first job, I remember, I was very foreign,

and my first week my boss told me, you need to watch the sexual harassment training. And I was like, I'm Eastern European. I was taught by the best, sir. I don't know. What else you can teach me on top of that? I don't know.

A lot of things change, you know? Like, when I was growing up in Turkey, I really was like, you know how America attacks Middle East? I really minded that. But after a while, like, I moved here. The gas price keep going up. You're like, government do your thing, you know?

There's a regime change in who we? gives the Pakistan, get in there. You love being involved. I want to be a part of it. Libya. Libya. All right, thank you for listening to me. Have a good night.

Orhoun Timor. Doing just enough of homage to the hit song, New York, New York, that it would not be flagged by the YouTube algorithm. That's exactly what my intention was. That is perfect. You're a brilliant genius. You're one of the smartest men from Turkey that I've ever met my entire life.

Orhoon, how's life going? I mean, good in some ways, bad in some other way. Tell us about it. What do you mean by that? I mean, I have two people I care about in prison. One of them is in prison in America. One of them is in prison in Turkey. This stuff like that.

How did they get put in prison? The American ones... I can do it. It's okay. It's okay. It's a big head. What if that fly grabs the mic and goes, Hey, my cameo is only $69. Hey, how do you like the view?

I love the view. How do your friends keep getting put in prison? Well, the American one sold meth, so the Turkish one had opinions, which is sometimes worse. He did comedy. He's a comedian guy. The Turkish one is. Yeah, yeah. And what exactly did he say in Turkey that got him put in prison?

You want me to say the exact thing? Sure, fuck it. Well, you can say it here. They don't understand English anyway. You're not in Turkey. Yeah, yeah. So he did, you know, criticize the government, sprinkled some Islam jokes in there. Which part do you think got him in trouble?

Are he criticizing the government? I think it was the part where he suggested the president's son, well, reminded people that he killed someone with impunity. I think that did it. Wow. Yeah. That's why I don't put subtitles under my clips. I'll be fine.

Yeah. So, what was... If not, you know Trump, though, right? That could come in. Huh? No, I'm just joking. Well, what was his sentence? How long do you think he's going to be in jail for?

I mean, five years, but usually if you apologize to the right people, maybe a year, six months. Is he going to apologize? I don't think so. Yeah. Because then you can't do comedy anymore. Like you apologize, you're doing... Right.

He can't be scared. Yeah. He can't be a chicken in Turkey. Yeah. Very interesting. What else goes on in Turkey that we don't know about? I know we talked about how you have to prove that you're gay if you don't want to be in the military. Like you have to send in a video of you sucking someone off or getting butt-fucked.

Literally can't make it up. That's true. In Turkey. You can get it. out of being in the mandatory military if you just fucking suck some dick. Actually, not to be a stickler, but I don't know if you remember, but the blowjobs don't count.

Really? Oh, shit. And you can't beat top also. They're very... Really? You have to have anal insertion in your own butt. They say, I don't know, again, I work... You know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I haven't read the website, but...

That is amazing. I like when you said, I'll be fine. Like, that was, that sounds like something you maybe, like, tag at the end of your jokes. Do you have a catchphrase or some sort of, like, an overall, I guess. Now, people suggest you should say this a lot, but when they say it, I don't. Because, you know. You don't have a catchphrase. Yeah, no.

Your style of comedy is very dry. Is it because you're from Turkey? Oh, uh... Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band.

Red band. Red band. Mr. Funny. Where's your sound effect? You've earned it, buddy. There it is. Wow. There's like a red pan section

tonight, by the way, over here. Just a bunch of morbidly obese comedy fans. It's incredible. Good to see you guys. Who love food puns. That's a great joke, Redmond. By the way, I start dry. It takes me 10 minutes usual to get to the wet jokes. That's another turkey joke.

Hell, yeah. Wow. Look at you guys just firing back and forth. My goodness. Okay. So, Orhoon Tumor, what are you doing for work? You just do stand-up comedy? Is there anything else? You seem like the kind of guy that doesn't mind painting sometimes,

painting a wall or something for somebody? I paint T-shirts. You do? Yeah. Wait, do you want one? Do I have to answer now or? That's the third time. That's the last time I'm going to say that.

But you do have a paint. or vibe. I don't know if it's a point of tail on the stash. Like it's like a, like you look like Bob Ross's son. You know who Bob Ross is?

Yeah. You know the guy who's like, I'm going to put a little tree. I'm going to put a little black guy right here. Yeah. My dad has never been that friendly, like calm. Yeah.

You said your dad wasn't? Yeah, yeah. He's, well, loving. Tell us about your dad. We want to know the tough Turkish dad. Yeah. I mean, he's an interesting guy

because you can just swear at him for minutes and he'll laugh. But then you drop his pen. randomly and he could get livid. You never know with him. Does he have a special pen? I mean, pen people can be very serious. I actually, it's a weird thing that I've gotten into

recently. I'm into pens. I use Sharpies on this show, but at home, I'm a pen guy. Yeah, I've got a little collection. I've gotten into some weird shit now that I'm in my 40s. The pens aren't special. It's his mind. Oh, mine is...

It's just like a regular old Bick, like a disposable pen? Like a yellow... I don't know why we're talking about pen. Well, if it's yellow, it's probably good. Yeah, yeah. It's probably a good pen. That's the rich pen color? I mean, if it's a pen, as long as it's not a highlighter,

if he's freaking out about a dropped highlighter, that's completely nuts. But if he has a yellow pen, it's probably a good pen. Oh, wow, now I forgive him. What made you drop the pen? Was it an accident, or did you do it on purpose? I wanted him to be angry at me. Wow. How about mom?

What's mom like? What's it like having a Turkish mother? It's like it's hard to explain. but they love you a lot. Ah. That's pretty easy to explain. Yeah. It was actually very easy to consume.

That's, I'm being joking, like I'm saying like, they're very sort of involved and they call you their... All right. Very good. You know, I thought you were in charge. You look like you're in charge. Orhoon, you're good. Another very fun set, always hilarious.

Orhoon Timor, ladies and gentlemen. and gentlemen, we love you. Orhoun. The man, the myth. We love him. There goes Orhoun, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. We are going to meet another comedian. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Michael Dragon, everybody. Michael

Dragon. A friend of mine, she's been complaining to me that by the way, I'm nervous as fuck, sorry. Thanks, buddy. But yeah, so anyway, so break the tension, cool. She's been complaining me that all the guys that she's been with lately, all they ever want to do,

is fuck her face, which, real quote, also, one hell of an intro. Thank you. I just started laughing. I was like, geez, oh my God. I would never do that to your face. I'd make love to it. Unlike those other guys, when my, before my ball smack your chin, I asked for permission. So, fun fact, in the 1950s, so many people in America smoked.

don't know why that's funny, but I like it. That in the 60s, when they found out smoking caused cancer, it was so shocking, President Kennedy's head exploded. Too soon, ma'am, too soon. My next joke's about Jesus. I hope that's not too soon. Thank you. Michael Dragon.

Am I saying that right? Dragon? Yes, sir. What happened? That fall out of the bucket? All right, just make it the next one. Hello, Michael. How are you?

How long have you been doing stand-up? About nine years off and on. I love it. Nine years off and on. Yes, sir. And at one point, you were the little boy from a sixth sense. Am I correct? Yes, I've unfortunately gained some way. But yes, sir.

You're all grown up now. So you said six years? Nine years. Nine years. Nine years. Where at? Cleveland's near Youngstown. We know where Cleveland is. I'm trying to build a relation.

Anyways. Don't try to fuck my face, Michael. Don't try to fuck my face. No, sir. Okay, so you've been doing anything? You still live in Cleveland? No, no, no. I've been in Austin for about six years now.

Six years? Yes, sir. Wow. Okay. What made you move here six years ago? Friends. Lack of any. I had broken up with a girlfriend at the time, so it was kind of sad.

So it was just kind of moving on kind of thing. I appreciate it. A lot of people. We come from. never leave and it's shocking and very bizarre. Very sad. But I don't really want to say that because my friends watch this and right now they're in Youngstown going, oh, fuck, he's sad for me?

Yep, I am every day for you. You guys are sad. And yes, it's you. Exactly you that I'm talking about. Jimmy. Anyway. Frank. Okay.

So Michael, here we are. And you've been doing it that long. You've lived in Austin for six years. How do you make a living? I currently work at a credit union as a, in collections. Wow, that's got to be a busy job. You have to be very busy.

There's a couple people with unpaid bills out there doing it. Stop not paying your fucking bills. What's the problem? By the way, I would definitely pay my bills if I heard on the other line. Hi, this is Michael Dragon. Yeah. Sorry, what did I do? How did you get that name?

Why are you not a porn star or a detective? I got a lot of, do you drag these nuts across your face? Shit all the time. Wow. funny. Oh, my God. I'm just glad my girlfriend doesn't fucking say.

How do you spit? So, drag it. D-R-A-G-O-N? Yes, sir. Yes. Yeah. How, is that from a long line? It's check.

There's some, yeah, short answer, check, Zavakia. Wow. Wow. Have you ever heard of Big Ed from the 90-day fiance? I did, yes, yes,

I'm familiar with him. Okay. Wow. He was on here earlier. Okay. And I'm noticing that you guys kind of look alike. Uh-oh.

I've been trying to lose weight, too. Do you know your dad? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. He's also fat, so yeah. All right. Yeah, go right. Did you get Starstruck when you saw Big Ed?

Did you see him back there? No, I was confused. I was like, who is this man? Oh, after someone explained it to me. Oh, you saw him at like Shakespeare's the bar next door? Yes, sir, yes, sir. Got it. What's it like over there tonight?

Give these people a description of, how would you describe the sign-up process? I don't ever ask this question. I'm glad that is this. Is you wait in line? You have hopes and dreams. Most weeks they get crushed. How many times have you signed up for the show if you had the guest? Maybe a dozen times.

Wow. This is your first time on, correct? First time was that Antone's first time I ever signed up. Wow. That was a long time ago. Yes, it was. How did that go for you? Who were the guests that night?

It was Jamar neighbors. My minute sucks, but you seem to appreciate the interview. Nice. What did we find out in the interview that impressed me so much? I said that I wouldn't cash a check for a black man. That's exactly... Here's a big joke book. No.

Why would you not cash a check for a black man? This is fantastic. I mean, the serious answer is that it fell under everything of like this is a little funny

as far as the check is concerned. And then so I turned it over to my boss who's apparently highly racist because the check was completely legitimate. Wow. That's incredible. Yeah, she water works out of keeping her job for another year at least. Wow.

What made you think it was a fake check? It just... Other than the skin color of the man that presented it to you. I mean, that is the first clue. No, no, no, no. It's just the design of the check. Didn't match anything else that we... The company had just switched designs.

What did the black man's check have the design? Did it have like a chain around it or something? They're just trying to build a relationship. No, I went from very plain design to very chaotic design The short answer Got it, yeah, got it Michael, what's your love life like? It was going shitty until very recently

I'm, yeah, I finally am dating someone, she's... Where'd you find her at? Shorts Castle? Yeah, she's a comic, so I found her in the street somewhere, but... Oh, she's gonna love that hand. She's Christ, the Joker. She will, once you see...

Yeah, yeah, if you ever meet. meter, yes. Okay. So, how long have you been dating this girl? Officially, just like a month or two, but we've been talking. We've known each other for years. Sure, but like a month or whatever ago, what happened exactly? Take us through that first night where you're like, oh, this has gone down. So, I was looking at her only fans, and I decided that I'm very lonely. No, we just know each other with you guys. Basically, I realized that she likes me and how did you realize that because she was sure an answer um she zoom called me and she kept showing me her tits and we were doing a

writing session and she's like hey you should give me a ride somewhere i'm like i'm very oblivious to shit and so uh you're like i'm busy can't give you a ride anywhere and so i was asking him like why did you show me her test she's like well men usually do things for me and i was like oh okay that's cool like totally not getting it uh-huh and then And I forget what happened, but it just clicked. And all of a sudden, every image from the past two years, I'm like, oh, she's been hitting on me for fucking years. Wow.

And then what happened? And then I started messaging her constantly. And then what happened? And then eventually I wore her down and she said yes. And then what happened? Tell us about the first time when something physical started happening. You felt a little something in your belly. Oh, yeah.

It was mid-January. Mid-January. Here we are. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the answer that we've been looking for. Mid-January, you guys are what? On your couch? Oh, no, no, no.

She had been in the... She had just started dating a guy that lasted maybe a month. She was very depressed. I was talking with her, and she kept saying, like, oh, all these guys that hang out with me, try to give me money and stuff like that. So I was just like, yeah, cool. I don't have an interest...

I'm sorry, Tony. So the first time you guys did anything physical, take us there. That's what I've been asking you. Still waiting for it. Oh, see, you haven't. I haven't had sex in eight years. You haven't, here we go. Now, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you questioning my interview process,

which I saw a lot of that out there. Oh, I saw your fucking faces. You think you're watching me? I'm watching you. I'm watching a show. How about that? How's that for a twist after 13 years? I've been watching you the whole goddamn.

you at home too. Jimmy. All right. Wait, wait. Haven't had sex in eight years, huh? Oh, Brooklyn. I'm joking. I'm joking.

Have you ever been with a two-tone carrot brunette? I feel like I'm about to. He's probably icing her tongue right now. So Michael Dragon. No, sir. This interview. This interview, we're having a repeat

and it's been six years since you've been on this show. And we are having a repeat because the set, okay, good, right good. Sure. But this interview just went to a whole other fucking level. Because eight years with a chick showing you her tits, she supposedly has an only fan. You met her on the streets, we say. And somehow you haven't been able to make a maneuver yet. Can you explain how this is going on?

What is going on? Because we're going to help you. Red Band is our senior closer correspondent. He has a real knack at teaching men how to, I mean, if he can do it. All right, it's fine. How do you get over the fact that she's transgender? Okay. Okay.

The interview is getting better and better, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back. We'll keep her right here. That kind of guy. Okay. Let's take it all one step at a time here, Michael. So, the transgender woman showed you her tits a few months ago, right? And then a month ago, you say that you guys are officially dating, right?

Because did you say that? Did you ask her? Did you say, will you be my it friend or whatever it is? Will you be my them friend, my they friend? What is it exactly? What do you call that when it's transgender? Honestly, we just kind of joke around about she'll make a thing. I told her to kiss me in Russian.

Just like flirty stuff. What is kiss me in Russian? Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that. There's an email. Something menia. Minya is me and then... Okay, let's go back here, Michael. So, you knew she was transgender the whole time.

Definitely. You guys have been laughing together. Oh, fuck yeah. Hell yeah. What a dumb fucking question, Tony. I didn't not know. She's very open about him. I've sincerely always thought of her as a woman.

Great. John Deez has a great point. He goes, and that's why he ignored the titty pictures. Because it's just basically fake tits. They are fake tits. With some real tissue. And your girlfriend has a penis, right?

Yeah. Okay. But you've never seen it. Oh, no. many people have seen it's only. But have you seen it? Not in person. Not in person.

Only on only fans? Yes. Have you smelled it? What the fuck? That is a disrespectful question, Red Band. When you have someone being open on a show like this, it is disrespectful. Not even 16 minutes ago you were doing dry turkey material. And now you're like, did you smell the trans cock?

He's back. Jesus Christ. Sorry. It's so good. But Red Band, you can't ask questions. Like, have you smelled it? No, I have not. Okay.

So what do you think? Have you kissed? I'm a huge pussy, so no way. Is he a huge pussy, too? Or is he more of a dick? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Why are you so nervous?

Like, you came out even, you're set tonight, you're nervous. Someone in the audience just said you, by the way. Correct. No, no, I am just a nervous person. But as far as doing that, so because I haven't dated anyone in eight years. So what happened was I stopped dating someone, and then I was very sad over it for a long time. And then it just became momentum.

And now it's like I'm trapped in my fucking, this momentum of eight years. You know what I'm talking about? When's the last time you kissed a girl? Eight years ago? Eight years ago. What if I told you you can kiss the girl right now? Would you take me up on it? I...

Depends, which one? It's better than what you're probably used to. Okay, so my sincere answer is I only care about... Is there a woman out there that's willing to kiss this guy? Is there anybody other than Brooklyn? But then again, since she has men's saliva in her mouth, he'll probably enjoy it. Is there a different woman that's willing to...

This guy hasn't kissed a woman in eight years. Is there a trans woman out there that's willing to... Hey, we found one. All right, come along this way. Horn players, let her squeeze through. Come on through. Sorry, Alexa. Sorry.

Alexa should have to be... You don't want to. Alexa should have made her... Jesus Christ, look at this. But you're leveling up. I mean... Oh my God. Hello.

Amazing. What's your name, sweetheart? Julia, ladies. And how about a hand Julia. A war hero. What do you say? You're about to explode? I'm about to disappoint. I don't think you're going to disappoint. No, believe it yourself, baby. Yeah. Let it rip. Feel normal. Are you going to give him a real kiss? Julia, I think you should go for it. Just relax. Just have fun.

Yeah. Stay sideways. Stay sideways. So yeah, like that. Come on. Let's go for it. One time. I saw a little head movement there. It looks like perhaps he got some tongue. This is a crazy show tonight. This is a fun show. Julia, grab that mic real quick. Tell us, give us a report.

What was that kiss like? Did it feel like a guy that hasn't given a kiss for eight years? Or did he, does he natural? No, he's not natural. Not natural. But it's been a minute, right? It's been eight years. Yeah, so what would you, what?

He tried his best. He tried his best. There you go. He looks like he's ever. fun. I haven't seen him smile that big the whole time he's been up here. You're loosened up a little bit now, right? Julia, let me ask you something. What would be, if you could give him one piece of

advice on his kissing, what would you say? Do fucking better. Oh, shit. Julia, here's a big joke for you. No, this is for Julia. This is for Julia. Here you go. Boom. Good job. Yeah, bend over. Good job, Julia. How about a hand, hand, very?

Julia. She's a hero, ladies and gentlemen. Good job, Julia. Julia, I'd love to have you on the Seeker Show. Red Band is on fire tonight. This is incredible. Red Band is the MVP of tonight's episode. Red band saved all of his funny

material for tonight. Yeah, Red Band, careful. You're going to get booked on your own show. My God. All right. Really? Really? All right. Hold on. Okay. Here you go. I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book, Michael.

You would have gotten a big one, but you went for that hug at first. And that really disappointed everybody. You guys are booing the medium joke book selection? You're booing him. Very good. I was about to have to empty the first five rows of people here, trade them in with the people waiting outside. Michael, good job. You did it. There you go. Dragon, everybody. You gotta loosen up, Michael. You only live once. I have been informed, ladies and gentlemen, by the power is the B, that Julia actually signed up for the show. Is that

correct? Is that what you're saying, that the girl that just kissed him signed up for the show? Oh, his girlfriend signed up for the show. Is she around? She's right here? Or next door? Okay. We will get her up here. This is going to be very interesting. Not the girl. That just kissed him. His actual girlfriend who he has never kissed signed up for the show. We are wrangling her right now

instead of moving on. And you thought the most interesting thing tonight was going to be Tony's pen hobby. Nope. Stick around. That really is. I've really fallen in love with my pen hobby. I love it.

You know, it's a thing. Once you start, you don't stop. Be careful. Stay away from those fountain pens, especially. Look at this lady shaped like Big Ed going to the bathroom. Absolutely incredible. You got to love her. Big Edith, ladies and gentlemen.

It was Big Edith. Oh, her husband just shaking his head and pointing at me now. Very good. You got to love it. It's a real live show, people. He's getting a random high-five from an audience member. Are you British, sir? You look British.

Are you British? All right. All right. He just looks British. We're having fun in here tonight. We're having a good old time. How about a hand for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen? We are wrangling the transgender comedian. New Adam Ray shows drop every Friday on Netflix. Just a reminder, you never know who will be at Madison Square Guard in August 7th and August 8th.

And in Las Vegas, November 13th and 14th, we are there. Kill Tony. A band, the Kiltoni band, for those of you in New York, is playing City Winery on August 6th. And a special announcement right now for the first time ever. Kiltoni for the fourth year in a row. How weird is that to say? We'll be on New Year's Eve in an arena, the Moody Center, on New Year's Eve for the fourth year in a row. Tickets for that go on sale.

August 18th. 818, yes. Using the promo code Kill-26, you can be the first people to buy the only Austin Kill Tony in which tickets are available. That is New Year's Eve, our fourth year in a row, 818.

818 to like die. August 18th, in memory of the great Brody Stevens. Fun fact about 818, I'll be throwing the first pitch at the Houston Astros game. This is the California Angels. How weird is that? They told me they want you 818, August 18th.

That's awesome. To throw a baseball. Have you thrown one before? Yes. I'm going to throw a fucking heater, dude. I'm going George W. Bush 9-11 on this. Watch me. I'm calling it right now.

Everyone's going to be so surprised. A gay man threw a baseball good. Shut up. Shut up. What is this? Okay. Oh, yeah, we pulled two names. It's Alexa.

Ladies and gentlemen, you think so. Very good. That's always very professional. You always love a good, I think so, on the number one biggest comedy show in the world. I think so. Ladies and gentlemen, you know her, she's been on this show before, once before,

but now you know her as Michael Dragon's girlfriend. This is a brand new minute from Alexis Al-Azari, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Guys, I'm sorry I was late. I just flew in from Thailand, and boy is my dick missing. Sucks, guys. I'm at the point I lie about my age on dating apps, and it's embarrassing because this guy caught me.

He picked me up in his truck. He took one look at me, one look at my Tinder profile, and he says, there's no fucking way you're 12. I have two apps, one that says I'm trans, one that doesn't. Big difference. On the profile that doesn't say I'm trans, guys are like, you're beautiful. I would love for you to meet my family.

On the profile that does say I'm trans, I got a message. It just said, my girlfriend is out of town. Can I shit on your chest? That's disgusting. That's awful. He had abs, so I did it.

But the joke was on me because his dick was so small I could do a line of fentanyl off it and live. Boom. Exactly a minute. She's done it again. Alexis Alizarre, two for two all-time kill-tony appearances. Welcome back, Alexis.

Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here. You're fantastic. So, Alexis, let's get right to the goods. You know what I'm saying? Let's get right to the goods. Because Michael Dragon was up here earlier, right? And he had a good set.

He had a good set. Nothing too crazy, but a good set. And then we're in the interview portion. It's going on and on. I'm trying to figure out something felt off about he was telling me that he has this new girlfriend for a month, and something felt off, because I'm like, when have you, so when did you first took up?

When did you first, like, do something physical? And then I had to keep digging and digging and digging and digging. And then finally, I find out he hasn't kissed a girl or anything like a girl. In eight years. So, Alexis, let me ask you, you seem sexually active. You seem, you seem, I mean, you just said that a guy took a shit on your chest, which is like, I don't, I don't think that's third. Base, exactly.

You know what I mean? I'm pretty sure that's fucking the dugout. So I guess my question and the world's question at this point is how have you, if you're dating Michael Dragon, how have you not made a move on him yet? Well, I mean, I feel like it's because, you know, I've lived a crazy life. Like you're from Ohio. Like this, okay, so this might seem like off and I don't want to get too personal with everyone. but Michael Dragon is the first guy I've ever dated that has not had a swastika tattoo on his face.

Wow. You got to get out more. I'm just saying I have fucked more Nazis than a Russian winter freeze. Wow. I'll give you an example. Youngstown, Ohio. Met this guy, his name's Phil.

I pulled down his pants, swastikas on his dick. Really big, so it turned out to be my struggle. Wow. Sucked him so hard, he Auschwitz. Wow. I'm not going to go through all the ones I have, because I have about six million of these.

But no, Mike is the first nice guy I've ever dated, and I don't want to ruin it, because a lot of guys, believe or not, have said that I'm bad at sex. And as a trans woman, it can be very traumatic having sex because a lot of people use you as an experimental phase. So it's really hard to be intimate when you're constantly, being fetishized and with people who basically won't even want to be seen in public with you. Interesting.

Now, do you think Michael doesn't want to be seen in public with you? Apparently not after this. Right. No, he was very open about it. I think he really likes you. I know. I think we should get married right on this show. Well.

I'm just kidding. The God King would not appreciate that marriage. The God King? Who's the God King? What? Who's the God King? Donald J. Trump. No, I don't think, I don't think gay people should get married, so, I mean, I'm going to...

I think, I mean, you know, what do I know? But I think that the God King, aka the reigning, defending, three-time president of the United States of America. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you watch it. You watch it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you didn't. do it. I did it. I think he has a... You can do whatever you fucking want, sweetheart.

Thank you, President Biden. But I just want to say, I think that the God King, President Trump, gets a very bad reputation. And I think Trump would love it if we had a trans wedding on this show. Thank you, Tony.

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome, God. You're welcome, God. You're welcome, God King. Trump. The one and the only. Great UFC card, by the way, I must say. Okay. I mean, I just want him to pay for my pussy so he can grab me by it.

Okay. Let me ask you this. How much does a new pussy cost? $20,000. That's how I know trans women are the dumbest men on the planet because they're the only men that will spend 20 grand on pussy and still not get a blow job after. That's hilarious.

So it's like two MacBook pros. Basically, yeah, it's fucking a good. expensive. We're like 100,000 pens. You ain't getting the same pens as I am, brother. Wow, $20,000. Have you tried looking at T-Moo

or anything like that? Have you tried to look at a T-Moo pussy, a baseball glove? Well, believe it or not, the first time I ever looked, my dad went with me to the doctor, and I don't know, this is relatable.

Like, you've probably done this, looked at possible vaginas with your father and he's looking through it but he doesn't know anything about gay shit but he knows about cars so he was describing them like someone would describe a car he was like oh don't get a thailand rust bucket you're not going to have any backseat room wow absolutely incredible but it's a common misconception a lot of transition is um out-of-pocket pay out-of-pocket that makes sense yeah that's why i'm prolapse trying to pay for all that out-of-pocket expense. Right.

But you are interested in getting the surgery. Yeah, I mean, I think I would definitely like the surgery because I identify as a woman. And I think it would be easier to go through life because I feel like a lot of trans people nowadays, you know, kind of have turned into something more political where it's kind of, I view it as more of like, you know, just an illness that I deal with, similar to like autism or ADHD. It's just something that I deal with. And, like, I get, like, a lot of hate for that sometimes.

Like, I posted, like, I don't think kids should transition on Facebook, and I got a bunch of hate comments. Can I just tell you, after hearing you ramble that long, you really are a woman. Thank you so much. No. The transition is complete, ladies and gentlemen. There's no periods, though.

I do got to say out of everyone that's... What does you say? Red band is cranking grand slams. This is absolutely incredible. He said she talked all at once. There was no periods. And she doesn't have periods. A woman that doesn't have periods.

Okay. You go ahead. I was just going to say out of everyone that's made their way on stage tonight, you've come with the most energy, jokes, timing, making the best use of your time. And I hope that you recognize that. Because the show, obviously, like, you love it when it's great. You love it when it's a train.

but like it's always fucking cool when you're like oh i want to make the most of my opportunity and you did that it was awesome and we love that here believe it or not you know i'd love to have you on the secrets show at the creek in the cave this thursday what you're just put her on a secret jokes don't do that's such a dessert and here you go here's a joke book oh thank you if you fold it correctly it turns into a pussy so good luck there goes Alexis Alizarre, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're getting through it. We're running

into overtime here. This has been a long show. This bucket pool's been waiting a while. Let's get them up here. Make some noise for Andre Belton, everybody. A minute. Uninterrupted for Andre Belton. I'm half Latino.

Just means that my dad is white, and my mom knows how to seize an opportunity. As Latinos, we have not been doing well. I don't know if you guys can tell from your gated communities. We haven't. We haven't. But no one, no Latino has gotten a worse than the president of Venezuela. You guys see that? We straight up stole that guy. We stole him. We straight up Ocean 11 him in the middle of the night with Nike sweats on and threw him in a cage with an angry Latina. Okay, that's, you know how much of a wild boy you have to be? to be the only Latino

to be forcefully imported? That's crazy. I like to imagine Trump visiting him in the jail sale. Look at who it is. You were talking so much shit over Xbox Live. Now look at you. You said I couldn't find you,

but we literally found you in three seconds. It costs taxpayers $38 billion, but we did. We found you. Andre Belton, everybody. The rare Latino doing a Trump impression, a.k.a. The God King. Welcome, Andre. You've been on this show before? No. Okay. It's your first time. This is my second time signing up.

Okay. Congratulations. How long have you lived in Austin? How did you know I lived in Austin? I don't. Right now you could be, well, I'm actually visiting from New Orleans. And I'd be like, okay. No, I do live in Austin. I moved here about nine months ago. There you go. Took us a while to get there, but we got the answer out of you.

Nine months. What do you do for work, Andre? What exactly? I sell myself on the internet. What do you mean? Of course you want to know what that means. Go ahead, Andre. No, I do comedy online, full-time.

Social media, stupid videos. Okay, like your biggest video, what is that? Can you describe what you did on that video to where you make a living, making videos for a living. I do a lot of reaction content. My biggest video has like 58 million views, which is insane.

And it's literally just a guy backing up and reacted to a guy backing up. And this bitch is like, you can't back up like that. And Ed, he backs up and does perfect parallel parking. And I was like, yeah, that's right, bitch. He's right. I'm on his side now.

Ed. And that was it. That was literally it. Okay. Yeah. Big Ed has a video where he just turned and it's got 100 billion views. I know. Is that wild?

I wish I had his neck. Yeah. You know this guy. You saw him next door at Shakespeare. I did. I mean, it's kind of hard not to see him. He kind of stands out. He does stand out.

Let me ask you this, Andre. What do you like to do for fun? What are some hobbies of Andre Belton? And you seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a little, maybe a little parkour once in a while. Parkour. I'm feeling some parkour? Well, I do like hopping boarders.

That's fun. You do what? Hopping borders. What do you mean by that? Well, you know, the Latino joke that I just made, you know, that's insinuation. Okay, that didn't land at all. That's all right.

No, I like fucking. Okay. Fucking's fun. I'm an ex-sex addict. Okay. What's the craziest of my? of sex? Like, what's the most insane when you're like, man, this addiction's out of control?

What's the craziest thing you did? Multiple girls in a week, a day, anything like that? I usually measure that by the amount of fat bitches that I fucked in the weekend. Yeah. Generally, you know what I mean? How many was that? How many pounds? A cumulative? I would say,

it would definitely, it would be... Give us a ball. park. Like, probably like 500 pounds. Oh, wow. So that's just one chick. One and a half. One really

fat chick, or is that two-250s? Double-250s. Wow. Look at that. Are the big gals drawn to you or do you, uh, you go find them? It's like, uh, they're drawn to me, like a, like a drug dealer's drawn to like a crackhead on the streets, you know what I mean? Like, when I'm,

Haven't gotten my fix for a while. I realized I had a problem when... When you were parkcoring outside of a curbs gym? When I was parkoring, I was parker. I was just jumping around. And the fat bitch just saw me, and they just came around to me. And they just fucked me right there. It was insane.

How do you pick them up? What's your, like... Well, you can't pick them up. But how do you get them to fuck you? I just want to let you know. My preference isn't fat bitches. That's just the lowest that I was at. That's a topic of conversation.

That is a good topic conversation. The bar is lowered. Let's put it that way. The salad bar is lowered. The best way to pick up chicks is just to be mean to them on Tinder. Ah, they're on Tinder. Yeah, that is the best way. To be mean, what do you mean?

You're just going to be like, what's up, bitch? Whoa. Wow. That's it. I tried the other way. I tried like, you're so beautiful, and I love everything that you are. How many times did you try that? So I actually,

I got sponsored. There's some fat women yelling at you from the audience right now. They're very angry. You want to go parkoring later? I'm fucking down. No, I got sponsored by Tinder in college. They actually reached out to me because I had like 2,000 matches. Whoa.

Yeah. Wow. And I went through. In your fanny pack or what? Yeah, that's how many matches you have to light after a weekend of banging fat girls to make the room. not smell bad anymore. 2,000 matches. Anybody?

Anybody get that one? Relieved the scent in the room? Oaky dokey. Whoopsy, daisy. All right, Andre, I got to tell you, these interviews tonight have been so crazy that this somehow is a very mellow one. You look like you sold Coke to all

the kids at the sandlot. Yeah. It is true. I don't say like the one rough kid that was like, you guys are still playing t-ball, huh? Yeah, dude, I went up to them. and it's like, fuck you guys. You guys are still pulling baseballs out of dogs' mouths. I'm fucking fat chicks.

You guys don't even do parkour fat bitches? I think we did it. Sorry. Andre, this is a Buckees, medium size. This is a really good joke book. Here you go. The great Andre Belton, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we have a regular here, ladies and gentlemen.

He is a... unbelievably, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. We've been following his story from being in Japanese prison for a while, and now he's back in America, touring all over the country. Ladies and

gentlemen, one of our great regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute or a minute plus from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. The Dark Storm. What's up? Do y'all, do y'all, what happened to horror movies? Like, because

Like, when I was growing up, horror movies, we had, like, actual monsters. Like, we had, like, Freddy, like, don't go to sleep in a white neighborhood on Friday. You know, you had Jason, like, don't bully fat kids. That digger'll go come back and kill Chuckie. Like, it was, like, actual scary things. Like, don't go to the lake at night. There's a mermaid that's going to kill you. And now, when you watch horror movies, they're just like,

don't fall in love. Don't ever meet your neighbors, nigger. The worst thing you can do is meet your neighbors. Now everybody's dead. Don't ever open up, all right? Don't ever open up. Don't meet anybody new. Don't go on vacation.

Just sit in the house and hate people. That's my time I love y'all. A great new minute. I love it. That is true. Where the fuck? What happened to the good fucking scary guys? That's crazy, right?

I mean, we had Michael Myers, Jason, Freddie, Chuckie? Well, I got a theory on it, Tony. I think the AI robots want us to stop unionizing, being friends, and that's because they keep taking, they buying up all the houses with the cryptocurrency, electric money, and then they want us living in apartments

because you can't meet nobody if you got to take an elevator. Because like, the rules on the elevator, don't look me in the fucking eyes. You know what I'm saying? Don't have a cop. Like, Venn and you were talking, and we get on an elevator. Somebody, come on. We just stopped talking because we don't want them niggas.

know our secrets. Absolutely. There's no doubt about it. You've nailed it yet again. It is incredible, though. You are right. It's like the places are haunted, but the people aren't haunted.

And everybody's chasing these dragons. You can, like, tell that some things worked. What the fuck was I watched in the other day where it's like, oh, this is a good new scary movie. You're going to like it. And I was watching it. And then all of a sudden there's like a clown crawling towards somebody that looked

like the clown from it. I'm like, this is just ripping off it. Yeah. They're just trying to redo things. I think that movie was it. They remade it. Yeah.

Something else. The fuck was it. I just went. Oh, was Widows. Oh, yeah, Widows' Jane.

And then someone was like, this show's fucking great. It's so great. And I'm like, how good is your weed? Because I fucking tried it. And then there's a clown. The first thing.

that's so scary, this twist, this twisty show, is a clown in the crawl space. Thank you, Michael Gonzalez. Wasn't it, Dedrick? Okay. How dare you? There was an opportunity for a great joke. There was. And I capitalized on it because I'd be capitalized.

You are capitalizing. You are capitalizing. You are capitalizing. But yeah, I was so pissed when it was a fucking clown. You saw that shit? It drives me crazy. Why are they doing that? Why would they do that? Come up with your own thing.

Son of a bitch. Obsession was crazy, though. Did you see that shit out of him? So good. Oh, my God. Incredible. Did you see it, Dedrick? No, I was in jail.

Oh, okay. Perfect. But it's on the list of things that you sent me to watch. Yeah, you have some catching up to do. Have you seen A La Ha ha ha yet? It's not out, but I can get you on the list for the screening. I might be in it.

Talba and me might be doing it. Oh, yeah. We might be co-starring. fucking N-D-P. Red Band and Adam Ray. Allah. Ha-ha. Or the Taliban,

it might be. Let's not forget. Title, Undecided. Yeah. The Untitled Al-A-Haha project. Yeah. And if you liked Al-A-Haha,

you'll love Al-Hah-ha-ha-ha-ha. No, Allah, L-O-L. Yours is better. Oh, my God. Deadrick, what else is going on in life? I just recorded my comedy special at a theater in Atlanta. My first had a lot of theater. Hell yeah.

It's going to be out on the YouTube. But it's gorgeous. Finally went on vacation. That was cool. I was in the sands. I ain't been in the sands in nine years. And I won't go back again. What are the sands?

Are you talking the beach? Yeah, I don't go on the water, though. You know what I'm saying? When it started to become ocean. and let's be and the ocean start right here you know what I'm saying so as soon as it hit right here

I'm back on the in the sands wow building castles I did you I buried buried a couple of my close niggas you know what I'm saying

a couple of times I'm saying I'm sorry I see the tan you got tan yeah thank you so much yeah What did you have today?

Red band. You are on fire. Your new nickname is Weight Box because you're batting over a thousand. You know what, Red Band? We've been doing the show together 13 years. This has been, I never thought the day would come. But I'm telling you right now, ladies and gentlemen, this is a golden ticket right here.

Marine Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. This is never. And my friend. Tonight, you have earned it. You are absolutely hilarious. I'm going to shoot myself in the head now. Come on, why dead? Dedrick, we are running in overtime.

I love you. You killed it again. The great and powerful Dedrick flit. What an episode. We're having fun here tonight. These interviews have gone so long that fucking chaos. How about I hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Oh yeah, we're having fun.

How about one more time for the great Adam Ray while we're in the middle of it all? This looks like a new name, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Maya Shemizu. Maya Chimizu. Ladies, have you ever told a man you're gay to get him to fuck off? Right.

But they're relentless. They don't give a federal fuck. They're like, no, baby. You just haven't had the right dick yet. Let me change. Imagine if I did that shit to a gay man. I walk up to him, I'm like, hey, baby, says, fuck off, I'm gay. I said, no, baby, you just haven't had the right pussy yet.

You've never had this Asian persuasion. You've never climbed the great wall of vagina. A lot of people think I am gay, so, you know, I had to do a little science experiment. I ate some pussy. But, you know the thing about a science experiment? You just can't test that shit once. That bad fucking science. So, you know, I had to double-chipel.

to make sure I wasn't gay, triple check. Fourth day, you know, I took her to get a cat, moved in with her introduced to my pants. But on like the 10th time. I was like, okay, I'm very straight. I'm not gay, but I am Asian, and I am here today to disprove some stereotypes. Stereotype number one, we have tight pussy.

Stereotype number one, we have tight pussies. First of all, fuck y'all, whoever said that, okay? Some of us have hot dogs in a hallway for a fucking pussy. Some of us have one. Wide-set fucking vagina. Not me or anything. Like, you know, not talking about me. Other Asians, stereotype number two.

Go ahead, go ahead. I want to hear this. Go ahead. We have sideways pussies. That one's true. That's why we blur it out in porn. Okay. Maya Shimizu.

Am I saying that right? Shemizu? Like she and me at the zoo. Okay. I think we had a Shimi zoo up here earlier. She did us, uh... Um, okay. A shihizu, if you will.

Okay. Maya, I got to ask you, where are you from? Because I'm picking up from your accent a little bit of urban, a little bit of urban. Are you from Oakland, California? No, I'm from Austin, Texas. Oh, wow. Born and raised. I'm just like Asian trash of it ever existed.

Nina Lynn. How did you end up? There he is. Taking this back. Uh, Good Lord Almighty. That's what I have to deal with every week. I'm sorry.

Okay. No, you're good, Maya. You're good. He's back. He's back. Red band. Okay. So you're from Austin.

I'm going to scratch out Oakland. I was so positive about Oakland, by the way. I'm sorry. It's okay. What part of Austin are you from? I'm from. North Austin. North Austin.

You have a lot of black friends? Some. They're cool. Uh-huh. Okay. You're a racist. I mean... No, I'm kidding.

We can get into that later, but... No, I'm kidding. Okay, so Maya, how long have you been doing stand-up? About a month. A month. Very good for a month. I got to tell you. You have great stage presence.

I appreciate it. I appreciate it. You're enunciating into the microphone. You have energy. You have perspective. I was begging for a shot backstage, so I appreciate that. You're doing good. Thank you.

What, Saki? What did you want back then? Okay. Maya, what do you do for a living? I'm a fire inspector. Ooh, a fire inspector. Yeah. Tell us about that.

How do you get into that industry? I've changed careers about nine times. Like I've done, I worked for child protective services for a while. I was a middle school teacher. And then I said, fuck them kids. And now I'm just a professional snitch. I'm like, take the candle away. Put a fire hydrant there.

Okay. And do you, what are you inspecting exactly? the outdoors or you go into people's homes? I go to businesses and I just inspect, make sure that there's no, like, fire hazards. So, like... You make sure that there's smoke detectors are going... Let me ask you a question here.

Oh, okay. Because, I mean, there is... You were talking about stereotypes. We talk about stereotypes. I love stereotypes. That's... I find, and it gets me in trouble sometimes. I find that the differences

between different cultures are so fascinating to me. And I love that we live in America. A melting pot where Asians with black accents from Texas can come out here. We can do it all, baby. We can do it all here in America. So my question is this. Have you noticed that black-owned businesses do not change their smoke detectors as much as white-owned businesses? Perhaps I have noticed maybe they've been a little beep, but, you know.

Wow. So that is a thing. It's a part of their culture, you know. I just don't say anything. Right. You don't say anything? You let them burn? You're making me look bad.

Oh, my goodness. Maya, what's the thing? What's your dream guy like? What kind of guys are you into in real life? Because you talked a lot about how you'll say you're gay, this, that. So it seems like no one's good enough for you. But what are you into? Struggle?

I'm open to everybody. Have you been with a black man before? I mean, what do you think? Yes. Yeah. I have a joke about that too. Okay. What's your joke about that?

Okay. So, my joke. Well, I did get one stereotype right. I am dating a white guy. He's like your favorite milk. rich white and 2% fat okay I think he wanted a Asian male

order bride but he kind of got the T-moe version get to the black part okay fine I usually date black guys all right right that guy just say what did I tell you what did I tell you? Jesus what do you mean

are you on panels sir? I think that was Dedrick but I don't have a fan What did I tell you? Let me back up on things. I've been with that bitch before I tried to watch a fucking scary movie with her ass. You want to watch it? They made it. They didn't, but it was a good joke.

That was it. Oh, yeah, there was a whole joke. What was the joke? That I just fucked black guys. Oh. No, no, there's more, but it's okay. Okay. How do you, what's your writing process like?

Like when you prepared tonight's set, what did you, were the other jokes that you, uh, I mean, did you just, just think like, all right, I'm going to try to be personal, to be informative? Yeah, I hope you guys all learned about Asian Pussies tonight. I wanted to educate y'all. No, those are just the jokes that I've been only doing comedy for a month, but those are the jokes that usually

hit, so I was like, let me just do those. What made you want to start stand-up a month ago? My best friend told me, she's like, you're really fucking funny, so she was like, it'd be a waste if you didn't try it, and she's Jewish, so they know good talent. Yeah, they run... We do. They run the business.

We do. Yeah. They are show business proficient, we say. Where did you make this Jewish friend out exactly? We've been best friends since high school. Oh, nice. Okay. You went to high school here in Austin, Texas?

Yep, McCallum. What's their mascot? What's McCallin's mascot? I think it's a knight. Oh, okay. All right. Maya, any hobbies, any special skills or talent that would surprise us? You seem like the kind of person that's heavily into parkour?

How did you know? No, I like lifting. I like... Ooh. I like movies. Oh. Wow. What do you like to lift?

Seems like mostly forks and spoons. Okay. All right. Topsticks, Tony. Oh. Golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen. Brian, I'd like to book you on the Secret Show on Thursday.

Wow. I mean, you. You are a real artiste tonight. The emotional roller coaster you're taking us on tonight, Brian, is almost too much to handle. The best part is going to be like, you know, like, I can just picture like two mechanics that like love this show, right, or work on a Tuesday or a Wednesday. Like, God, you see the new Kiltoni? And the other one's like, no, what happened? Dude, the guest was Adam Ray.

Wow. Oh, my God. He must have been hilarious. Well, Red Man stole the show. I'm okay with that. No way. Absolutely. Dude, he got two golden tickets.

What? What? Tony gave one, took it right back, gave it to him again? Never seen it. Dedrick was in the back. Tony and Adam were really good. But Red Band, I mean, it was unbelievable. The guy's just like, no fucking way, dude.

What are you? What do you? Let me guess. Widows Bay is a great show, too? Fucking honker. He didn't do turkey material, did he? Hunk of shit. A hunk of, shit.

I think of shit. Everybody's taught. That's how bad shows have gotten. Is that people are like, you got to watch this show. It's like fucking terrible, right? What's good? What's good anymore?

House of Dragons? What else? Friends, neighbors I just got into pretty good. With John Hamm, pretty good show. What are you trying to get a guest spot on it? What's going on over here?

I've never heard of this. I don't know. There is nothing. The answer is nothing. What's you getting murdered down? King of the Hill. I watched a thing about it. King of the Hill.

I made a bunch of King of the House. That's just Mike Judge crushing from here in Austin, Texas. That doesn't count. Yeah, help us get Mike Judge. Where's Mike Judge at? His phone number. Yeah, we talked to him like years ago, and then he disappeared. I think he's distancing himself from, like, controversial ways.

Anyway. Maya Shimizu, I like your style, Maya. Congratulations. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Sign up again. Keep writing. You have, like, very good. Your Jewish friend was right.

You have very, very good. honesty, talent, you're pushing it. If you keep doing this, something great's going to happen for you, Maya Shimizu. There you go. Maya Shimizu.

Ladies and gentlemen. All right, this episode's gone on way too long. If you're wondering, we are in way, way over time. This is much longer than your average episode. So congratulations to you,

the audience, for really getting a lot of bang for your buck. And congratulations to you, the always ungrateful viewers at home. Make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. His name is Jacob Gildry. Jacob Gildry.

Growing up, I was in this club called FFA. If you're not familiar, that's the Future Farmers of America. And that is the club that teaches you how to storm the capital. Come on. These people are very country. They still think AI stands for artificial insemination. They're just like, Elon's trying to do what to my phone? He's trying to fuck it.

I didn't fit in with these people. And the worst part about it was that my parents sent me to the FFA summer camp. And the worst part wasn't that I didn't fit in. It was that I tore my meniscus there doing the cha-cha slide. That's so embarrassing. Taring your meniscus is something that NFL players do. Like Patrick Mahomes could lose his meniscus to the Chargers. And I lost mine.

To the left now, y'all. Thank you very much. Jacob Gildre. Is that true? You really tore your meniscus doing the cha-cha? I did tear my meniscus doing the cha-cha slide, yes. Wow. Are you the Jewish friend that told Shenzu to do stand-up?

You got me. Wow. Great catch right. Amazing. You got me. What are those charms on your necklace there? What do you got there? I have a cross and I have a St. Christopher pendant.

Oh, you have Jesus on a cross to remember that your people slaughtered him and murdered him. Well, I just like to remember the best moments of our people. That is right. Pond the guilt off on the Romans. It's an incredible move in the history of civilization. Absolutely unbelievable. Are you Jewish, Jacob? I am not.

Oh, okay. Everyone thinks I am. I'm full-blown Cajun. I'm from Louisiana. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Have you ever thought about telling your face that you're not Jewish? It's hard to look at it in the mirror, so no.

Wow. Do you ever wear a yarmica? so that you can book things? No, but I do get better mortgage rates when I go to the bank, so I try it out. Incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years.

Seven years. Where at? Lake Charles, Louisiana. Lake Charles, Louisiana. Wow. And what made you come here today? Actually, I've been about 15 times in the past year. Wow.

You make a drive to do that? Yep. How long is that drive? It's about five hours. Wow. Look at that. 15 times. You finally got up year.

Very funny, man. Thank you. How much time do you have? 30 minutes. Awesome. Can you get up a lot around Louisiana? Yeah, a lot around Louisiana. I run the scene in Lake Charles, so we do open mics, and I book comics that come through.

So we do shows, and I travel a good bit. For Lake Charles near Baton Rouge? Yeah, two hours. Okay. We're like right over the, about an hour from Beaumont. You know our guy that just got a golden ticket a few weeks ago, very funny, man? I came here with both of those guys that were on that episode, and I did not get pulled. and thankfully I did not kill myself

and now we're here. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself because would you like to open for me in Birmingham, Alabama, and Atlanta, Georgia in October? Wow. But you have to take that fucking cross off your neck. No, I'm joking.

I'm joking. I'm joking. It's in October, so I'll just bumping in with Slop Info. Absolutely, yeah. Two theater gigs out there. Absolutely, yes, yes. You just got a real big gig out of that, buddy. It's a huge theater with the great Adam Ray. There he goes, Jacob,

Gildry with a big joke book. Sign up again sometime, Jacob. Very funny people coming out of fucking the middle of nowhere in Louisiana right now. I'm telling you. There's something going on there. Something's cooking in Louisiana. Ladies and gentlemen,

this is it. You've made it to the absolute final part of the show in which we all just get to sit back and be fans of stand-up comedy because my closing regular is I mean, what can I say?

I could sit here and yap, yap, yap about it. I just got to tell you, it is just one of my favorite things ever in the history of the show to watch this man work. I'm a super fan. A super fan. Make some fucking noise

for the real deal. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pat O'Neill. Someone put a swastika on my Tesla? It was me. You know, It's illegal to draw swastika in Germany. Or play hide and seek.

But that's enough politics. Okay, you wore yourselves out up front, fuckers. Last night I was in bed with my gal pal, told me she wanted to role play. I was like, all right. Let's pretend we're at a beach and a jellyfish just stung your face. Other days, she told me she's taking a woman self-defense class.

I was like, oh, nice, you're learning how to cook? Okay. Thank you. Wow. I mean, look at this. People are on their feet. Incredible. Wow. Dude, you're going to be a megastar, dude. There's just like your delivery, your performative skills. Like people, you're just so goddamn likable. And then your jokes. Yeah. I don't know. How many times have I been on the show when you've been here? A few times, right? Yeah, I've followed you. They like gave you the fucking golden ticket the last.

right before I got it and I had to go sprint to get it. And the first time I was on Netflix, I followed you as a... Wow. Oh, shit, no. There's a man like Joe Biden that was here. Yeah. No, it's me. But I appreciate you trying to keep...

Yeah, I forgot. Appreciate it. I don't know improv. You're killing him. That was very funny. Very funny. Again. Pat, how's life been going for you?

Every week, the pops get bigger. It's so deserved. I mean... I know. I mean, fucking. Thank you guys. That was insane. I don't know what the fuck.

I just heard the I told you so guy say, fuck yeah. Yeah. That guy is a big predictor of things. He knew that the Asian was with a black man earlier. It was a real fucking insult convention out here earlier. Oh, holy shit. It's wild.

It's been an absolutely crazy night. We've had Asians galore, trans. We've had shy white guys, a Turkish dude. Some guy just sang the thong song at one point. We definitely had to edit it out. I didn't forget it. That was my favorite part of the show. We had to edit it out.

Who knows, maybe it'll make it on the supercast, the new bonus footage. For $5 a month, you can get the supercast. What a great price, huh? That's the price of you can get almost 140 big head cameos. All right. Pat, what else is going on? Anything else crazy? No, I don't know. Did killers this weekend. There's nothing. No real stories from it. You went and did it? What cities were those?

Lubbock and Midland, Texas. By golly. Southwest really fucked me on the way there, but overall good shows. What happened with Southwest? They rerouted the plane because there was a delay, like, automatically in the app, but then I still made it to the gate while they were boarding people, and they told me to fuck myself, basically. Really? Yeah, yeah.

How'd you make it to the gig? I had to go to Dallas first after that and fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Now, I'd always be, if I was a normal human being, right, you're on a Southwest flight. Wait, are seats assigned now in Southwest? Yes. I trust Big Mike.

They are? No, they're not. They're not? You were just there. They are assigned now. Was that a middle seat that you had by any chance? Oh, the new flight that I got put on was a middle. it'll see it with a fucking baby and one of them next to me.

Wow. Now, I'd imagine if I didn't watch this show at all and you sat next to me on a plane, I'd be kind of freaked out. I don't know. I don't take a lot of space. Do you do anything quirky on a plane or you headphones, neck pillow, blindfold? What do you do on the plane? Yeah.

No blindfold, but maybe. That sounds, I mean, I don't know why I said blindfold. I meant eye mask, right? That'd be crazy if you walked in blindfold. Like a kidnapping victim or something like that. But I could see you doing something like that. You're a funny thing. I think I'm going to.

Or do you just sit there in silence and stare straight ahead like, yeah. Fouch. You are built for this game, Pat O'Neill. Truly, truly, not one of, but I can say, without any hesitation, the fastest rising comedian in the world. the flesh. One more time

for the great Pat O'Neill. You're watching a juggernaut in real time. We find the talent here and we amplify it and that also includes here on the panel every single week.

I love showing off the funniest people in the world which brings me to my big point here if you don't see where I'm getting. How about one more time for the great Adam Ray, ladies, and gentlemen. The Adam Ray Show. Thank you. I love you. You guys are a great crowd.

On Netflix every Friday. Two-time guest of the year, two-time Hall of Famer. He's just, I mean, no one has the accolades that this man has on this show, on its history. My true brother, I mean, we were

literally door guys together at the Comedy Store, making, I believe, $6.15 an hour. That's two-pens. Yeah. No, it's not. I'm telling you, this pen thing, it's crazy. You don't want to start. It's crazy.

But Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, watch his show on Netflix. He's the fucking man. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll ask, you know, one of us to be on this show or something. That's a big show. I just did upstairs, remember? I have a concussion. I don't remember. Catch us at Madison Square Garden, August. 7th and 8th, Vegas 1113, 1114, November 13th and 14th.

And New Year's Eve in Austin. Tickets go on sale August 18th. Use the promo code Killed 26th. And the band plays at City Winery on August 6th in New York City on that Thursday night. But catch us a Madison Square Garden. If you can't catch us a Madison Square Garden, watch the stream live.

It is an incredible thing. We are back to, we're back to, our own stream sometimes, which is very exciting, which means that it's completely unedited and super raw. Anything can happen, unlike some of our, you know, experimental episodes with other streaming sites that we've done, and still will do in the future. And that's about it.

Red Band. Check out the Sunsidesstrip ATX.com secret show every Thursday. I love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.