KILL TONY - #780 - FLUFFY - HARLAND WILLIAMS - ADAM RAY (INTUIT DOME, LOS ANGELES CA)

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

Fluffy, Harland Williams, Adam Ray, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 05/07/2026 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:  Shopify: Own your customer relationships. Own your revenue. Start with a free trial at https://shopify.com/killtony  Talkspace: Find the licensed provider that’s the right fit for your needs and get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://Talkspace.com Watch Kill Tony ad free and get tons of exclusive perks. Get Kill Tony + for $5/month now at https://killtony.supercast.com/    Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Find everything Tony Hinchcliff at his website, Tonyhencliff.com, including all the latest tour dates for Tony and Kill Tony. Desquod.tv. There you can find every past episode of Kill Tony. You could also find my catbread 7 and all the things I do at Desquod.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This place, get one more time, the best damn band and all the great musicians the art has begun to flow with we are here this is

indeed the number one live podcast in the world it started here in a room built for 65 people we had 15 tickets that we didn't even sell we couldn't even sell five dollar tickets at the time and here we are at the state of the art fucking into a dome what an unbelievable honorable honor. The American Dream, alive and well, right here with us two bozos. Guy that hits an iPad with fart noises for a fucking living. Unbelievable. Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa,

Tres leches, and nachos Belgronde, the great Matt Mueling on the electric, John Bees on the Keys. Believe it or not, that is the real deal. D. Madness, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh. Oh my God. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

And this is not a real commercial break, everybody, but it is a chance for us to tell you, try to control your booing when it's a bucket pool. Wait until they really, really earn it. I know. Arenas love. You cowards that don't have the balls to sign up, love ruining it for the courageous people

to wait for hours out in the blazing sun trying to chase their fucking dreams. So at least give them a chance. Don't boo on the setup. You could boo at the end of the 60 seconds. Deal? Deal. I love you guys.

Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say? We haven't, you know, a lot of people, I hear at these big arena shows, I hear from my team that some people complain that we don't get enough bucket pools up. But they're not here, you know, they're not here with us. And I stocked this lineup with constant fun of your favorite comedians of the history of Kill Tony. We're going to get through hopefully quite a few bucket pools, but I just have a fucking unbelievable show for you guys. It's probably going to go a little long. We started a little late.

Tip the babysitter extra money. You guys are with us tonight. Let's have some fucking fun. We made the long drive. We went through the fucking traffic. We're here. Let's fucking party. Ladies and gentlemen,

your first guest that I'm bringing to the stage is one of the all-time greatest guests in the history of the show. He has the most watched Netflix special of the year. He is the biggest comedian in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Gabriel Inglisius. In 2020, the show's history, what could happen as this episode goes on. Maybe I invite somebody over to join us.

Guys, welcome. How about one more time for Gabe Anglesias and Harlan Williams, everybody? Los Angeles! Guys, it's great to be here in Los Angeles, and wow. I did something a little special for this one, Tiber. Oh, yeah. I know there's a lot of Latinos here in Los Angeles. Where are you?

It's great to be here in Los Angeles, the city of anal. They do speak English. Why? See? The city of anales. But you know what I did, Fluffy? As a little treat, I learned Spanish just because I knew there'd be a lot of Latinos here tonight. So I'd like to start the comedy off with a joke in Spanish.

Spanish, you don't mind. I would love that. I think a lot of people out here want that. All right, here we go. I got to concentrate. Hang on. These three gringoes walk into a bar. And you won't understand the rest.

He will, but not you. I love it. All right. By the way, was it the beach today? Santa Monica Beach, and I saw a sea turtle laying eggs on the same. eggs on the sand and I ran up with my camera and was a homeless guy taking a shit in a hole. And I said these three gringoes walk into a bar. We're going to have some fun tonight.

We are. Let's get the party started. No reason to hesitate. You're two of the most unbelievable guests ever. We have two buckets here tonight. The Legends bucket has arrived for the first time ever to Los Angeles, California. It has made four appearances in Madison's. Square Garden, one appearance at the Moody Center in Austin, Texas. It's its first time here in

L.A. Welcome to Legends Bucket, everybody. I think you're going to learn to love it. Over 250 people signed up earlier for the show. If I pull one of their names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else. They bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Yeah, we're back where the actual bear is. He's happy to get to be home and visit his first. family. When that bear happens, it rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We talk to them. A lot of them, obviously, almost none of them have ever performed in an arena this big. And that includes our regulars and golden ticket winners, maybe not the legends. But

it's pretty much the greatest night of everybody's lives. So let's all enjoy it together. The first guy I'm going to bring to the stage to get tonight's show started while we wrangle whoever this first bucket pool is, ladies and gentlemen, is a regular on the show. He writes and performs a new minute every fucking week. Not easy to do. He's here to do it again. Makes the noise for the former dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. And now the dark storm of Austin, Texas.

The one and only, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck is up. Guys, just follow your dreams and don't let people be mean to you. I had somebody tell me, because I said, they said, what's your dream? I said, I want the biggest above-ground pool in the state of Texas. And then they said, Dedrick, above-ground swimming pools are trash. No, nigger, they're safe.

So if it's safe, then it's fun. I don't fuck with in-ground swimming. Fuck in-ground swimming pools. No, I can't swim. I can see you doing the man. They don't got no respect for the non-swimmer. That shit goes from three to eight feet way too swiftly. We play in Marco Polo all of a sudden ain't no more dead drink.

And if we're being honest, if you Google search in ground swimming pools, nobody's in them during the summertime. Nobody's having fun. There's no love there. They only bill in ground swimming pools at their house so they can raise the property value for the divorce. But I'm going to ground swimming pool in this great nation. I guarantee you it's got too many niggas in there.

It's got too many. They got a trampoline on one side and a basketball goal. on the other side and a chubby nigger on the roof saying watch this and nigger i'm watch that's my time i love y'all dude drederick flint live in los angeles california in the into it dome how you feel dedrick we went from teddy swims to teddy can't swims and that's my brother too you know him i've known teddy for almost 17 18 years he before we was over there crying. I'm looking at this cute little fucking white

freaking nails right now. Look at him. Oh, my goodness. There's this day is. Hey, what you tell me? You said, you said, Mimi at the top. Baby, we're here now. Oh, shit.

We're here now, Teddy. Teddy is about 11 face tattoos away from doing black face, by the way. How does that make you feel? Well, he got a black voice, so we'll give him a pass. That is true. That man's got soul. One more time for Teddy swim.

Unbelievable. How's your trip to LA going? How are we feeling? Man, I was good until I lost my phone in that Uber. Oh, yeah, you did. I don't got no phone right now, and then it's impossible to, like, get help. I went to the Verizon people. I said, can I buy another phone?

They said, yeah, but you don't need your card. I said, well, my phone's missing, and my phone's on the card. And then he looked me dead in my face, and he said, can you do Apple Pay? Dude, I got to tell you, if you lost your phone, just melt those teeth, you can make anything. And by the way, I got to tell you, man, I've never seen anyone wear coleslaw so nicely. Doesn't that look like he's got coleslaw on? Oh, he's wearing coleslaw.

Yeah. Are you all right, Harlan? You're mad at me. Your pants. These are just shorts. He got old shorts, too. Yeah, but yours don't look like cold slah. Abby, yours don't look like coleslaw.

Yours just look like shop, well, you can't wear shorts, can't you, Harlan? Because your legs just look like mozzarella rolled around and lint and shit like that. Oh, really? Oh, my God. Wow. He's got a huge cough.

That's the microphone. Harlan's packing over here. I looked. And that's just the profile. That thing's so big. We might let it sit in this third seat for his second. Might need a seat of its own. He's over there sitting on your lap cutting off the circulation of those mozzarella sticks he got. Anybody got an empty can of Pringold?

Yeah. Two in the back. Gabe, you got to see another fun set from Dedrick. He killed it. Yeah. What's not to like? He's so funny. I love it. What have you felt being out here in L.A. versus being out in Texas doing the shows? You said, what have you felt? What have you felt being out in L.A. versus being out in L. where we've seen you in the past. Man, I- Or, you know, even Vegas. I feel like you could raise a family of four in the traffic while you wait.

I was like, you can get a girl pregnant and then she'll wait nine months, had a baby, that nigga graduate in the car. So I get why y'all got a lot of great comedians. Y'all got time to write y'all jokes. For y'all, you know, no, that's jokes. That's why y'all started podcasts here,

because y'all had three hours in traffic just going down the street and back. Dedrick, what a way to get tonight's show started, one of the best regulars. I love y'all. Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. It has begun. And now we go to the bucket, everybody.

This is a real human being that's been waiting for hours that had no idea that they were going on stage. And here we go. Your first bucket hole, the night goes by the name of Shea Freeman, everyone. Makes the noise for Shea. Real quick, before we get started, I just want to let you guys know, you're not drunk. This is what my face actually looks like. Okay? People ask me all the time, why? Why does it look like that? A few years ago,

I got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. That's what you're looking at. This is my Fauci-Ocee. That's what we call it at home. No, I was actually born like this. I was born. I was both my parents are hot actually. My mom is a spicy Latina. My father is my mom's brother. Still, good looking guy. I was born with something called Cruzan syndrome. Not a lot of people know what that is. I don't even know what it is. When people ask me, I just tell them it's the brand of tequila. My mom drank while she was pregnant with me. But she didn't have her first drink until after she saw what I look like. So, yeah. I recently just got married, actually, cool. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Shout out to the Make a Wish Foundation. Those guys are amazing.

They make dreams come, Drew. Do you know that? My name's Shay Freeman, guys. Shea Freeman. Wow. What a way to get the bucket started. Oh my God. Fuck yeah, dude. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Yeah. It looks like you've been doing it much longer. Thank, thank you. Super polished, very comfortable. You're in front of thousands of people. And he walked out here like you've been doing this every day. Yeah, no, thank you. Thank you so much. Very, very flawless.

Hell, yeah. You're amazing. And I'm going to save you a little money. Do you like a good deal? Do you like to save money? Would you like to save money, my guy? Yeah, of course, yeah. I'm going to save you some money on Ancestry.com.

Surprise, you're a pug. Well, actually, my father was sloth from the Goonies, so I do know who he was. This is incredible, Shay. have been gifted with the face of a true comedian. That's, yeah. You've been doing it. For radio, but not a face for the Jumbotron.

It is incredible. You've been doing it seven years, all of it here in Los Angeles, or mostly under children's beds, or what? The burn victims, really, they gravitate towards me. No. Yeah, seven years, all of it here. I'm actually, I live in Las Vegas now, but I drove down here to do the show, man. Wow, you made the drive just to sign up, and look how lucky you got.

Yeah. My goodness. This lady you married, what the hell? What is going on? Well, she's great, actually. She's smart, funny, beautiful. You guys wouldn't know her. She goes into another school, but she's fantastic.

She's a good lady. No, she's also a comedian, actually. Oh, awesome. Yeah, which is pretty cool. I love it. I love it. Jokes a lot. She's from Spain.

Nice. She's a funny accent. You know, it's great. Can I ask a question, guy? Be honest. If a fly went by way up there, would your tongue get it? That's why my wife married me, so yes. Yeah. I love it, Shea. What do you do for work?

I do this mostly. I dedicate my time to going around and doing as many shows as I can feature and stuff, and I write on the side. My wife makes most of the money, so, you know. I love it. What does she do? She's an actress. Oh, awesome. We do a lot of gigs and stuff. We're an entertainment couple. I love it. Man, I find you to be so. funny and such a special treat. I'll tell you what, next time you come to Austin, no matter what Monday you pick, I'll automatically give you a spot.

Thank you. On another show. And on Kill Tony on a Monday live from the comedy mothership. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of She Freeman, ladies and gentlemen? We are off and running. There goes She. He was awesome. Hell yeah.

Oh, he was awesome. Uh-oh. The lovely Heidi and Val have. arrived ladies and gentlemen very nice to see them after looking at Shay Freeman for five minutes straight I got to tell you get the blood circulating back to my lower half a little bit but the good news is you can always picture Shay Freeman if you're ever about to come too fast in bed always remember picture Shay Freeman do people do that do they come too fast sometimes have you ever

yeah how like how Very fast. Very fast. Like in terms of seconds, how many seconds? Man, there's been some times where it's been between five and ten seconds. Wow, dude. You're like the flash. Yeah. Wow. How about you?

As far as. As far as, have you ever come real fast? Daily. Okay. How about you? What's the fastest you've ever come? I don't know about coming, but I'm moving over into the next chair real fast. What? Now you have your arm around me, so I'm moving back.

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ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah. Make some noise for the return. of Jack Shaw, everybody. My girlfriend and I did mushrooms together pretty recently, you know? Oh, you guys like mushrooms? I fucking hated it. I had a horrible time. She was having a great time. I started panicking, and she tried to calm me down.

But the only thing I remember her saying to me was, although there's another thing I remember, too. At one point she goes, Jack, my pussy feels crazy. and I said, me too. And during the trip, I start writing about Epstein. I start journaling about Epstein.

I'm such a bad hang. You should not do drugs with me. This is, I start writing about Epstein, but I did get something good out of it. I realized, to me, the funniest part about the Epstein files is that when you log on to the library

to look at the files, the first question it asks is, are you 18? And if you click no, You're in. Thank you guys. Jack Shaw doing it in his hometown. How do you feel, Jack?

This is amazing. This is so cool. Holy shit. I'm actually having a bit of a panic attack right now, so that's awesome. I love it. Holy shit. Okay. I love it. Jack, the curiosity is killing me. What's in the bag?

Oh, what's in the bag? What's in the fucking bag, Gabriel? Okay. So I'm from LA, right? And I wanted to bring you some gifts from Los Angeles, Tony. Would that be cool with you? Absolutely. I lived here for almost 20 years, but sure.

Yeah, give me some gifts from L.A. Well, you gave me a golden ticket, so I wanted to get you a Pray the Gayaway Camp ticket. And so I made you something important. This first one, this first one's an anal chastity belt. Let me get it out really quick. Do we play some music? I don't think you're supposed to say what it is,

it is before giving it, but okay. We'll play some music while I get it out. All right. Is it a menorah with dildos instead of candles? All right, here we go. This is a real live show, everybody. First one, okay, all right, all right, all right, okay, bear with me, bear with me.

This first one, you can put it on and you turn around, it says, oh my goodness, wow. And since we're in Hollywood, you can have a little fun with it, dude, you can have it a little fun, so you got a little. You've heard a carrot top. This is Yomika top. everybody okay all right okay I got two more don't worry we'll get out of here

okay okay all right here he is taking up a lot of real estate like a typical Jew okay all right so this next one I got for you I got for you in you know surfing's big in Los Angeles so I got you this from West Hollywood this is a boogie board from West Hollywood okay there's another other. Okay. It's a boo gay board, dude. Okay.

All right. All right, let's do the third one. Dude, I gotta tell you, if this doesn't work out, the way you're dressed, you can get a job at any funeral parlor in the shape. We'll get out of here on this one. We'll get out of here on this one. This one I got from you from my synagogue. This is a Jewish wallet. So on one side, you can have the media and on the other, the World Bank.

Wow. Okay, this was not great. All right. Thank you guys so much. One more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. So Jewish that he literally just bombed civilians here at the Intuit Dome. The only guy that I think brought family out tonight just bombed live on this show, everybody. It's incredible.

How about a hand for the Latino man mopping absolutely nothing? There's a man with a mop standing out in front of 15,000 people. doing nothing at all whatsoever. It's very excited. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chris Aguere, everybody. Here comes Chris Aguier. Thank you. I went to J.C. Penny the other day.

Guys, nobody shops there anymore. It's all just Mexicans. I went to the front entrance, and they had a 12-year-old chubby boy, guarding the entrance. I hear me out. Hear me out. I went up to the boy.

Hold on. I went up to the boy and asked him, aren't you a little too young to be working here? And he said, mind your own business, playboy. I was like, okay, I apologize. So I went up to him and apologized. Wow, this is going to a lot worse than I thought. Are you done?

Yeah. Okay. All right. Wow. Chris. How long you've been attempting stand-up comedy, Chris? I'm sorry? How long have you been doing comedy? A year. A year. Where at? San Diego, California. Okay. What do you think happened tonight? They don't like you. They don't like San Diego. They don't like J.C. Penny either. They don't like J.C. Penny. They didn't like your setup. They didn't like your punchlines. They didn't like the fact that you pranced out here like a little reindeer real quick. That was kind of weird. They don't like your delivery. Tell them something that's going to make you like them. You're here in the heart of Los Angeles. You're right by the airport.

Well, it might come as to a surprise to you, but I'm actually going to be moving here in a couple months to pursue comedy full-time. If you've ever wondered what it's like to do comedy in a haunted house, this is the most booze you're ever going to hear. Wow. Are you gay, Chris? I'm getting a little gay vibe for you. You gay? What? Are you gay? No. Oh.

I'm in a relationship. Am I that gay? He's more gay than me, right? Wow. Chris, I'm trying everything here. Before letting you go, I'm trying everything for you to get one pop to get the crowd to like you one time. Is there something about you, Chris, that you think the people of Los Angeles would love to know about you? Yeah, sometimes I'll go to gay bars just to see if guys hit on me.

Hold on. I asked if you're gay, you said no. But I'm not gay. You know, I'm just, you know, I go just to see if I get, you know, just get my spirits up a little bit, you know. You go to gay bars to see if gay guys will hit on you. Taking an opportunity from an actual gay man, much like you did, signing up for the bucket tonight, taking an opportunity away from a comedian. And either way. It's nice to get a compliment everyone once in well. There you go. At least Red Band got rid of his one fart noise already.

Can I ask him something? Gabriel Inglacius. Okay, brother, you've been doing this for about a year, right? Correct. You've been doing this for about a year? A year, yeah. Okay. How many shows do you think you've done? How many performances? I perform like two or three times a week. Okay.

Give me a second, you guys. I was doing that in YouTube tonight. So the question I ask, I want to ask is, what is the funniest closer? What's the way that you get off stage every night when you perform that makes you go, you know what? I'm funny enough to be on Kiltone. What's that closer joke? Give us the one joke.

Right now, the one joke that you're like, this is what I close on. Your best joke right now. We're giving him one chance. All right, so I saw on the news that San Diego Police Department is going to start using ketamine darts on wild animals that roam populated areas. Have you guys heard about this? You can't ask questions like that. You gotta fucking go, dude.

You gotta go. You're leaving these. Go ahead. Jesus, fuck me. If anyone finds a realistic bear costume, please come find me. I'll be outside. All right.

Truffle button. All right, Chris. I think there'll be a realistic bear costume at that gay bar you're hanging out at. Here's a little joke book. And man, I forgot to give, I forgot to get fucking the shit-faced guy, a real joke book.

Wait, the what face? The guy that was shit face. There he goes, Chris. Oh, I thought you meant elevator door face, puck. You guys remember when the guy with a crazy face was up here, and then Heidi and Val came up and like it was all hot and fun again? I'm about to do that with comedy right now. I'm going to the legends bucket, everybody.

We're going to stage this room that Chris Aguier's set. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reason why I'm in Texas. He convinced Rogan, he convinced a lot of people. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians of all time. This is Kill Tony Legend, Comedy Legend, one of my best friends, the one and only Ron White. I'm going to start with this. We just had to bury one of our comedy brothers who took his own life two weeks ago.

and I would like to remind everybody that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see someone, so never, ever hesitate to tell somebody I'm going to need that money. Netflix Festival, man, how great, right? I think they added some categories to the warnings on Netflix films to make them seem more interesting. I was watching a movie the other night. The warning was this long, had categories I'd never heard of.

It said, warning, violence, gore, adult situations, nudity, sexual situations, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, smoking. I'm like, am I in this? During the pandemic, I know on Netflix, they had that one button that said, surprise me. And I never pushed it because I just don't trust those motherfuckers, you know? And eventually I watched everything on television.

On Netflix, there was to watch. I was just staring at that thing. And eventually, I pushed it, and it was my parents fucking. And I got to tell you, I was surprised. I was, where did you get this footage? So I lived here for years. I lived in Beverly Hills and moved to Austin. And what spurred to move on was I hated my neighbor's wife.

And that's the worst thing you can have is a bad neighbor. You have to move. You can't kill them. I looked it up. And we lived on a cliff with views from downtown L.A. all the way to the ocean. And I spoke to this woman twice. in three years, both times ridiculously unpleasant.

The first time she accused me of stealing their newspaper. And she was really shitty about it. We had the company, and she banged on the door. You stole our newspaper and you know you did. You've done it before. Blah, blah, blah, blah, fuck, or whatever she said. And I said, lady, if you know anything about me, you know, I don't steal and I don't read a fucking newspaper.

And I slammed the door in her face. Now, I totally stole their newspaper. They had footage from their security camera. they were able to send to my phone. I don't know how they did that. But I'm like, yeah, it looks like me and my robe walking over to your house. That's your driveway bending over.

Those are my balls. Picking up a newspaper. You could be on to something, sleuthy. But I still thought it was shitty over to bring it up in public. The second time was just a little while back. I bought some new patio furniture, and the new patio furniture had an umbrella that was blocking her view of Century City.

and she came over to my house with steam just shooting out of her stupid little fucking ears and she bangs on the door and she goes, you got to move that umbrella and you got to move it now. You're blocking my view of your century city it makes my house worth less money

I can call the police now move that umbrella and move it now. That's how she talked. Move it now. I got to tell you, if she would have asked me nice to move it, I probably would have done it because I like to be a good neighbor and I really wasn't sold on the umbrella

one way or the other, but now, ooh, I love it. I do, and my favorite thing about it is where it is and that's where it will always be until the bigger one I ordered on Amazon Prime gets there on Tuesday and I will essentially be able to block the sun from her home she will no longer be able to grow vegetables and her entire family will die of fucking scurvy what I hate about myself is when I get into a verbal altercation with somebody I just get vicious and I don't even know why and sometimes it's like I'm watching my

doing it. And Ron, you really think they deserve this? I'm like, fuck you, motherfucker. Go get them, cowboy. And that's what happened to this lady. She's walking away and she goes, I'm going to tell my husband, you said I was a and I said, he knows. Thanks for playing along. Let's all have a good time tonight. Don't forget to love each other. Hell yeah. Kill Tony's ruling the roost over here. But we're not leaving a stone unturned. We're going to find the best. funniest person in this planet. And we're going to have them on this stage. Thanks to you guys. Thanks a lot.

One more time for the great Ron White, everybody. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Bucket Pool number three. It's Damien Rigal. Damian Rigal. I think all female turned male transgender should have to play a year of football in the NFL,

not to prove that men are stronger than women, but so that scientists can study brain that's been damaged twice. My girlfriend and I have been going plastic-free lately. Do you know how hard it is to carve a dildo out of wood? And why did she want me to stain it black? We did try it once, but I got splinters in my ass. My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship for the last six months. I just haven't told her yet. I'm afraid to tell her because dating again is hard for a guy that's 5-9. You know, honestly, the hardest part about being 5-9 is having a big dick, I never

get to use it. She did find out, though, when we broke up. Now the only time I touch women is when I titty fuck strippers and hug my mom. Okay, Damien Regal. Welcome. Damien Regal. Thank you. Okay. You made them sound international, the way you said it. Yeah, it's spelled differently. it's R-I-G-E-L. R-I-G-O-L. Yeah. Okay. Regal.

Regal. Yeah. Okay, welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? This is my second mic. Wow. What made you want to sign up for this in front of 15,000 people? I've been watching your show since the Vulcan Gas Company days.

Yeah. I just really love it. Hell yeah. Shout up Vulcan. That's where we built a fucking little empire in Austin, Texas, while waiting for the mother's ship to be built and after a real shitty club in Austin decided that we were too racist for them. Bunch of Pussies. But anyway, Balkans the shit, you are correct. Where was the other open mic at that you tried?

It was in Seattle and that transgender joke got booed so hard. Yeah, I bet. Seattle's a real dumb. Let's check in with Harlan Williams. You know what I love about comedy, Tony? You just never know who's going to do it. Like anyone from any walk of life could do stand-up comedy. And for the cover model, for just for men, hair color to come in here. And blow this room apart.

God bless you, you funny little freak from Finland. I must say, it looks so natural that no one can tell. Just for men gel. A guy in the back asks if you start in that Elton John biopic. Yeah? Yeah, and I told him no. I told him no. Okay, it is your second mic.

Good job, Damien. Stick the material. Stick the material. You bearded freak. Welcome. Okay, I'm changing it from Just for Men to ISIS. How about that? You look good, Damien.

What do you do for a living? I'm a certified public accountant. I do tax returns for a living. Wow. Wow. Oh, this is South Los Angeles. They do not believe in paying taxes here. Yeah.

You're an accountant? Can I ask you a math question? Sure. Why don't they just call 7-11 stores 18? I don't know. I don't know. You're not a accountant. You're a model.

You're a model for beard color and hair color. When I get home, I'm going to slap my sister's giant fat face just because you were born. That's, you're causing a lot of trouble here, Damien. I got to say, I'm thoroughly impressed at the fact. If you would have said I've been doing this for a year, I thought your confidence, the way you came out, the way you presented. You had to follow Ron White.

Yeah. And for doing this two times. Thank you. I wasn't that funny. Yeah. It took me a long time to have that kind of confidence and that poise. And so kudos to you, bro. There's a little gay guy that's been doing it for a year in San Diego.

He fucking bombed his ass off up here earlier. For a second mic, you're absolutely crushed, buddy. And for that, you will Red Band? I did write a Kill Tony's song. I don't know if you want to hear it. It's a rap song. but uh I don't I don't believe in letting accountants do rap songs red band you said you painted wood for your girlfriend made like black dildo isn't there a lot of black wood in Malibu right now like you could have that's what happens when red band talks everybody uh wow look at that I can't quite hear you what's that noise you're making for red band there you go you deserve it

Buddy, even though it's your second time and you started strong and it flailed out at the end because it's such a good second time, you're getting a big joke, but congratulations. His second time ever on a stage in front of 15,000 people, that can only happen on Kill Tony, by the way. Hello, hello, hello. You know, taking control of mental health can feel overwhelming, but talk space makes prioritizing well-being simple and accessible. is the number one rated online therapy platform. Talkspace connects you with licensed therapists and psychiatrists anytime, anywhere. Redband. Just like physical fitness requires regular exercise, mental health demands ongoing care. I know how easy it is to put self-care on the back burner, but taking this step makes a massive difference.

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But you know what? We could go to the next bucket pool, but I got a little itch. I'm in the mood to go back to the Legends bucket again. I don't know why this early in the show. I probably shouldn't. It's probably a mistake on my part, but, oh, all right. So somebody's pranking me, obviously. This can't be real.

What a joke. Very funny, guys. This is hilarious. But I'll say the name anyway, because it's in the bucket. Make some noise for Tony Hinchcliff, everybody. What's up? You know, Kill Tony just signed a huge deal with Fox. Yeah, the show is in great hands until 2028,

when we lose all our regulars to the Special Olympics. Hey, what's the difference between a Catholic priest and a Zit? A Zit will wait till you're 12 before it comes on your face. Guys want to hear some jokes on my favorite KT regulars? Dedrick Flynn, moved from the ATL to the ATX, but he's most comfortable when he's robbing white women at an ATM. Black. You know, Dedrick.

is one of my best regulars. We gave him a regular spot after his first minute. And then I realized it was his only good minute. He's like Scam Patterson, black. Dedrick is from Atlanta, which is why he looks like Andre $3,000 in overdraft fees. Dedrick is from Georgia like Ray Charles. You know what else he has in common with Ray Charles?

Neither of them have seen Dedrick's father. I'm kidding. Dedrick's father is dead. He was going to get him cremated, but the funeral home said he was already ashy enough. All right. That was... Chat GBT, GBT wrote that.

Black. Dedrick's been inside more fat white women than Ozempic. Dedrick is from Atlanta. He was conceived when his mom let 10 guys run a midnight train in Georgia. Timmy No Breaks, keep it going for Timmy, motherfucking No Breaks. I love Timmy, aka Andrew Dice. gay.

Timmy is the first guy to become a kill Tony regular by pretending to be retarded. Timmy has the enthusiasm of a child and the mustache of a guy who fucked that child. Timmy wears aviator sunglasses just like Joe Biden because they're both brain-dead morons that everyone likes to laugh at. Unlike me and Donald Trump were both cool, strong alpha males

that definitely like to have sex with women. Oh my God. Newsflash, Timmy, if I wanted to see a bad comedian succeed with a stupid fake character, I'd call Adam. Ray. Timmy looks like he has Freddie Mercury poisoning. Brian Redband is here. Keep it going for Brian.

Mother fucking Red Band. The peanut butter to my jelly. Brian, if you're here, who's down at the body shop asking the strippers if they want to do a set on the secret show? Red band is like the Harvey Wine scene of the open mic scene. Except instead of a potted plant,

he jerks off into a pot pie. Fat. Red band loves AI. It looks like he was generated by Chad PIG. Red band has produced podcasts for me and Joe Rogan. It's a shame his body isn't as good at producing insulin. Red band's vibe can best be described as the one guy who comments on porn hub videos. Ari Maddie looks like every guy Bruce Willis killed in the diehard movies. Ari used to do M.MA and went 0 and 3.

Do you know how bad you have to be at fighting to go 0 in Estonia? That's like being a black guy and losing a big dick contest in Hong Kong. Sorry, I forgot my next joke. I started talking about big dicks and got distracted. And now we get to the Man of the Hour, the Greatest Roaster of all time. Me! What can you say about me that hasn't also been said about Jesus? Mainly that he's a little twink who will get voluntarily nailed by 12 guys.

We're really doing it. Fifteen years ago, I declared myself one of the top young rising comedians in the world. But no matter how much I rise, I'm still at bottom. Tony, if we're here, who's haunting an abandoned carnival? I look like a vampire only bites people with AIDS. Look at this, two Tonys. Now I can finally leave my dream of having sex with myself. Every time I fuck a guy, I start off by saying,

Oh my God. We're really doing it, Red Band. Thank you so much. One more time for me. I'll tell you what, me. Why don't you join the panel? Because there's no one I'd rather have than me up here. here. My God.

Wow. We're really doing it, Tony. It's so good to have me up here tonight. Keep it going for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Whoa. The lovely Heidi. Perfect, my cigarettes. I'm so good at smoking these.

Thanks, Heidi. Oh, it's not Heidi. Part of being me is having a man put things, attach things to your everybody. Perfect. How about one more time for me everyone. Glad I'm here to enjoy the show with me. Let's get to our next bucket pool, shall we? Bucket Pool number four. I'm so excited you're here. How about one more time for Tony Hinchcliffe ladies and gentlemen? You know who it is. United States of America and God bless kill Tony. That's true. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're all together. The panel is complete and now we all see.

for the first time, the comedy stylings of poncho muller, everybody. Here we go. Every time I grab this microphone, I feel like I'm giving LeBron James a hand job. Any married couples in there out here? Nice. Nice, me too. Yeah, I'm happily married 10 years now to a tall woman so you can clap for her. Because she definitely did it to disappoint her father. He was expecting Prince Charming and he got me.

me. Or as my mother-in-law says, the handsome one of the bunch. And she's totally right because the other six are hideous. But my wife is smart, funny, beautiful, fantastic tits. They're my best friends. And there's questions that come when you're married to a taller woman. Like Pancho, dude, are you cool with her wearing heels? Absolutely. Why? Well, because it makes you even taller. I'm like, dude, my wife is taller than me when she's on her knees. All the heels do is just make it easier for me to eat her box standing. And I'm really good at it. Most of you guys call it going down on a chick.

I just call it motorboat. Br-r-r-r-r-r-r- to cut you up there, Poncho. That's all we got. Perfect. Welcome, Poncho. Thank you. You are absolutely adorable. Thank you. So are you, Tony.

Thank you, buddy. How long you've been- Which, Tony? A both, man. How long you've been doing? stand-up. Five and a half years. Wow. What about your people's years? That's ten and a half years. What do you do for work, Poncho? Um, I'm gonna stay at home dad. I have 12 animals and I just get an allowance from my wife because I got it like that. What does your

wife do for work? She works in pharmaceuticals. Wow. Okay. Uh, all right. And what, do you have 12 different animals? What's the... I have six dogs. and six cats. Wow. Wow. My goodness. How many... Wait a minute. You're a stay-at-home dad? Yeah. You're not very good at it. I see you. Fuck, I got nothing to say to that. That's right. Is your wife a normal-sized human? Yes, she is. She's five foot, eight inches tall. Wow. Holy shit. That's a huge bitch. Yeah. Where did you guys meet? We met on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. She was company management.

and I was one of the workshop elves. Oh my God. I just lured her in with snickerdoodles. Like, come on, come on. I got what you need, baby. Were you in the elf costume when you actually met her? Um, yes. Wow.

She's definitely got a fetish. My God. If you hold your breath, will you turn into Winnie the Pooh? Don't hold your breath, Poncha. He's so cute. I just want to throw him on my back and break it into Legoland or something. Let's do it, dude.

I can choke you out from up there. I'm not into that, but maybe this freak. I'll leave you my stone number on Facebook. What made you want to get into comedy? Honestly, like, I'm a full-time actor, and it just gets to the point where it's just, you do these auditions and you're not in control of them. And you don't hear anything back,

and comedy is something where you kind of get an instant gratification from people's laughter, you know? And you have more control of it, you know, and it's fun, and I like teaching through, like, humor. Like, you know. Have you been in anything that we'd recognize you from? You've been in lots of two-rod zombie movies, Candycorn, a lot of horror movies.

Short films. A lot, yeah. No, Red Band, those aren't short films. Red Band. Those are full-length films, Red Band. Do you ever jump up and down on your bed until you can grab the ceiling fan just twirl around like a demented helicopter?

I wish I could. I can't. Yeah. What are some of the advantages to being a little person that maybe us normies don't know about? Well, I mean, let's see. How long does it take you to get frosted flakes off the shelf? Well, I have, my shelves are at the bottom. I have everything on the bottom shelves.

I love it. Everything up there is empty. There's a shelf on your bottom. Thank you. And you're, you don't have any actual kids, right? No, no. Have you tried? Is that something you guys are interested in or?

I tried with one of my girlfriends and we had to have an abortion. It sucked. Oh my God. Do you get a discount if the abortion's a half-size abortion? Definitely. Okay. All right. And the dogs and the cats, do they ever, they act up?

What goes on over there with your little? little zoo that you're running. It's crazy, dude. We got to put them outside when we have sex. Why? Because one of the dogs had his tongue in my ass one time when I was fucking my wife. And it felt really good.

So I was like, doesn't it? Yes, it does. That's what they call doggy style. In my world, yes, yes. You ever throw a frisbee in the air, catch it in your teeth, and then jump under a bulldozer? Good question, Harland. Pancho, before I let you go,

what's like the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life? Well, I was a professional skateboarder for a long time. I was actually the first little person, professional skateboarding the entire world. Wow. Low center of gravity. It's not a big deal, though, because there was only two of us, so it's like... Right. Amazing. And I got jerked off in back of a taxi with Weeman.

Wee Man was with you? We love Weeman. We man's the man. Wait, can you do that again real quick? Got it. It looks like a baby chicken trying to fly. I love you, Arland. Can you do that and run at the same time?

No, I can't. I'll make the chicken noise if you do. Come on. I'll just do this. Absolutely. I'm a rooster. Rooster? Rooster? Okay.

Act like a cock. This show's out of control. Pancho, even though it's funny, give you a small joke book and a medium joke book and say that it's a big joke book. I'm just going to give you a big joke book, buddy. There you go. Pancho. Ponscho. Thank you so. Mueller, everybody. Great job. Let's just keep this fun train moving along. I'd imagine it's going to take him a while to get off the stage.

Doesn't have the largest gate, if you know what I mean. There he goes. One more time for Pancho, everybody. Adorable. That's a full-grown midget right there, ladies and gentlemen. Only on kill tone. Can you see things quite like this? Never seen an Ewok live before. Nub-gub-yub. Yub-Nub. So they talk, yub-nub-gub-nub. The E-Wox?

What does it mean? Yub-gub-nub. Nub. Anyone know? We should ask him when he was still up here. Yeah. Yub-gub-nub. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Oh, can a guy be curious anymore?

God. Oh, we're very curious, aren't we? me, I'm curious. I love that you're doing an impression of yourself. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a Golden Ticket winner that is one of the youngest ever golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Some people call him the first ever kill Tony musical prodigy.

This is his first ever appearance in LA. Make some noise for Tony Scar, everybody. Folks, this is my fucking dream. This is fantastic. This is amazing. It's my dream to struggle to pull. I dream to struggle to pull the fucking mic stand up at an arena, dude. It really is. Jesus fucking Christ, too.

So I wrote a song about the American dream. You guys want to hear it? The American dream is supposed to be to get a wife and kids and then divorce. Because every real man knows the sign of a great woman is. that she's under 24. How about that last bucket pole? Wasn't that shit gray? Upa-Palupa, Charlie Chips' Chocolate Factor?

Bombing. As a kid, I dreamed that I could be an astronaut. If Katie Perry can do it, why can't I? So I trained just like she did. to girl and I liked it. Then to get to space, I blew a hundred guys. My upstairs neighbor's dream is to be the best tap dancer in the world. And my dream is that his little boy grows up to become a little girl.

There's a six-year-old dwarf out there whose dream is to grow up. Good luck. There's vegans that spend every day trying to save the Who gives a fuck? You want a lie? Get a fat wife. Dream big a scene. I don't got all day.

Come. I've done that bit a lot around the country. I owe a lot of black guys' money. I did that bit in South Detroit, and they punched me in the tummy. Two Tony inch clips, are the Williams by the side so Tony can sit in the cup chair as he gets in. As he gets coconut pride

The American dream can be anything So set aside the time If I wouldn't have bombed that first fucking line I swear that this would be mine Thank you up and Tony Scar Little Ralph's Tony Scar ladies and gentlemen Ladies and gentlemen Tony Scar I thought it was great Tony you're something else man

There's just simple things that you know you know no one knows that you're messing up until you say that you're messing up. No one knew you were having a problem with the mic stand until you said it. You know what I mean? That's fair. You just gotta fucking stay in that pocket. These people absolutely love you. You're a young guy. Thank you. We're watching you grow up in real time. Blossomings. I love you. He loves that life. I love Louisiana. Oh shit. Dude, LA's been fucking awesome. Yeah. This place rocks. I went to the comedy store. I bought like four jokes. It was fucking great, dude. I went to Venice Beach.

That was fun, dude. This place is fucking rocks. Yeah, we love it. Yeah. Did you see the sea turtle? Can I ask, what is your process for finding the black guy in every city to do that? Do you just walk up your next day? I find the worst neighborhood and I hold out my wallet and then you just wait.

You know what I mean? It's like leaving bait. It's easy. I pay him well. Yeah. Okay. Oh. How's your love life like, Tony?

My love life is going all right. It's going okay. It's not. It's fucking, it's horrible. That's okay. It's all good. You got to sacrifice some things to chase your dreams, and that's one of them where you can't hold down a relationship and be touring.

Have you kissed a girl since being in Los Angeles, California? Is there a girl out there that wants to come give to me to start this real quick? That one right there? Come on up, sweet. Right here. Bring her up. Hurry up. Make it faster than that.

Come on. Come on. Get her up there, Colt. She's sitting next to Animal from the Muppet. Or that way. Normally, I don't think we've ever actually done this in an arena before, but for 13 years, we've had a segment where if someone hasn't had their first kiss in that city, this is Tony. This is her first time in LA, right? Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm so glad you picked a woman. Well, look at this. Wow. Go ahead. Move your guitar. Make it a good one. French, French, French. Take a big joke bug with you.

Yeah, exactly. I'm going to. I'm going to throw one out her. Get her to sign a release. She looks like the type that would sue. Was that Tia tequila? Tealahua, that's a good topical reference, me. You got it.

Tealahua tequila is very topical right now. She died? Let's get a replay of that. That might be one of the greatest kisses in the history. kisses in the history of Kiltone. Wow. Oh my God. Absolutely incredible.

Tony, look at you. My husband's gonna be pissed, dude. He's funny. Oh my god. Is that your girlfriend, sir, with the pink hair? No? Okay. Fuck, yeah. Absolutely unbelievable.

How about one more time for the girl that did that? Where'd she go? That's great. I love her. I'm in love. Here you go. Wasn't she the lead in two girls one cup? Hey, pink hair.

I could taste it on her, yeah, yeah. Pink hair, give this to her. Hey, up here, hey, you dumb slut. Hey. All right, pass it forward to her. Sorry, I'm a little bit stronger than usual. Rogan injected me with big peptides this morning. Joe's got the best peptides ever.

He's my best friend in the world. I love me some Joe Rogan. I love Joe Rogan. One more time for Tony's side. I got a couple things if you don't mind, Tony. All right, Tony, go ahead. I got a podcast out right now called The Too Soon Podcast where I don't fuck up the lines.

That's out right now. I'm on tour right now, golden ticket tour, and if you want to vote on my next song, you can vote on my Instagram, Scar Comedy. I want to hear what you guys want to hear. There you go. Tony Scar, ladies and gentlemen, getting some plugs out there.

There you go. We're going to keep it moving right along. Normally I would go back to the bucket, but I'm feeling itchy again. I want another golden ticket winner. I want. to bring this fucking place down. Down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. You know her, you love her. She is here in the flesh, alive and stronger than ever, make some noise for the great Fiona Collie. Was asked to headline a disability Comic-Con? redundant um it would just be like a room full of wheelchair people you know I showed

up and I was the only wheelchair person there it was literally a room full of 400 furries yeah so the disability they were talking about It was autism, right? Dude, I go up there, I'm doing my material and I am bombing my fucking dick off, okay? Like, it's so quiet in this room that you could hear a tail drop. Okay.

So I'm like scrambling, and I start doing crowdwork. Okay, but I will tell y'all it is impossible to do crowdwork to a room of people that will not make eye contact with you. I'm bombing so bad that I open this up to a fucking Q&A, all right? And I shit you not a fucking cat in the front row. raised her paw and she goes yeah why haven't you killed yourself yet like bitch we don't all have nine lives okay thank you so much the great Fiona calling a second Tony it's so scary it's like I feel like a baby saying it's dead but that

beard for the first time. I don't like it. You got me. You got it. Fiona, how's it going? Really good. I did just get to do one of the craziest things. I'm from Nashville and there's there's a play.

Yeah. Yep. It is true. There's a place in White House, House, Tennessee called Zooland or something, Zootopia. Okay. A fucking monkey stole my wheelchair? No.

Yeah, and monkeys have like really big clits. Did y'all know that? Yep, sure. Of course. I have the internet. They also have bubble gum on their ass. Yeah, I'm scared of monkeys. and I didn't know that. What did the monkey do with your wheelchair, exactly?

Well, it was like biting the nipple. Oh, shit. Yeah, and it kept driving it around, and I was scared to touch it because monkeys are really creepy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there was one that came up here earlier

during Tony's set and said the N-word. It was crazy, dude. Anything. Is that a groan I heard, Los Angeles? Oh, okay. Just making sure. Fiona, that looks like a new chair. Is it a new chair?

It is a new chair. Oh, yeah. It's still a superhand dude. Thank you. Fiona, you are just unbelievable. Everybody loves you. They got up on their feet when you came out. You're a huge part of the Kill Tony world.

We love you. Everyone loves you. Can I just say, yeah, Gabriel. You know, on top of being very funny and creative with your comedy, you're incredibly likable. You're very, just, there's something about you that you just automatically, we just, we love you. Continued success to you. Every time I see you do this show, you kill it. Keep killing it. And put a lock on your chair for those monkeys.

We love you, ladies and gentlemen, the great Fiona Collie, everybody. Come on. Jesus. Red band. About one more time for the lovely Heidi and Fiona Collie, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. pull number whatever you're it is Lewis ooze everybody here comes Lewis ooze oh this is crazy man I love doing stand-up because after a show people say really nice things to you other times they say things that keep you up at night

like one night after a show lady came up to me she's like you're really funny she's like you remind me of a lesbian George Lopez damn I don't like how hard you guys laughed at that. No, I'm from Minneapolis, but like most Mexicans, I was born in California. At least, that is what I've been telling a lot of white people lately. No, but I grew up in a town so small in Minnesota, like I didn't always live in Minneapolis. Like, the question I got the most growing up is, what kind of Mexican are you? That is a hard question to answer when you are six years old. Because I didn't know if I wanted to be the drywall kind or the roofing kind.

Once I got older, I realized I wanted to become the landscaping kind. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Louis Ouse, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Lewis Ouse. Lewis, how long you've been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for three years.

Where at? Minneapolis. Okay, wow. What brought you here today? I opened for the Muts. Oh. Yeah. How did you meet him? I opened for him in St. Paul after the show. He's like, I don't really listen to people that go up before me, but he's like, you were funny.

You were cracking me up and you got good reactions from the crowd. I love it. I want to bring you on the road. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. What's Minneapolis like nowadays? We only see it on the news when it's dragging our country. tree down. You know, there is one benefit to having these nice visitors in Minneapolis,

and I was cleaning up with white women on the dating apps. It's been pretty good for you. What's your favorite type of woman, ooze? Blue hair, the real liberal kind. Okay, a smurf, as we call them. If they're short enough, I don't want to give them labels. I will. All right. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. So, how do you make a living? I'm actually a metrologist for a pharmaceutical company. What exactly is that? Metrology is the science of measurements. Wow.

It is the most boring science out there. Amazing. Yes. How did you get into that? Well, I went from dealing drugs to making them. That's the pipeline. Amazing. Amazing. That's the dream.

It is the dream. You have a girlfriend? What's your love life like? It's terrible. I do this. Yeah. You don't ever get lucky on the road or anything? I don't really try, but I mean, I'll take some suitors tonight. No, no, we already did that. We don't do it twice an episode.

No, no, no, but I will show you what you missed. This could have been you. Do you still have the replay loaded up, guys? Can we get that makeout one more time that Tony Scar got to have? Just to let you know, this would have been you. Could have been you. If you were. We're luckier. Yeah, that would have been you. Look at that. I know.

It's like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan and you've got mail. I know. Right now, you're jealous of him and I'm jealous of her. I could never be a white guy that plays guitar. I got to ask Tony. Go right ahead. The great Harlan Williams, 2025 guest of the year. Dumb and Dumber. So many great movies.

The new hit movie Wingman. Wingman. Oh, yes, my new movie Wingman out on May 26th. Please support it, Apple TV, all the streamers, May 26 in Australia here. Wakeman, thank you everybody. Go ahead. What's your question for Lewis? My thing is, why don't we bring Lady Lavender back up and give him a shot?

He is a lesbian. You wouldn't do it again, would you? He's a lesbian. She won't do it again. No, she's a good fan, but she's not that good of a fan. Wow. She could have had a lesbian. Let's go.

Come on. Coming up and make out with George Lopez. A little bit faster, a little bit faster. Yeah, a little faster. How you feeling, bro? This is crazy. You should definitely take your shirt off, bro. It's about to get crazy.

Take your shirt off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Take your pants off to him. Take the pants off. Keep the shirt off while she's making it out so she can play with your dirty ariolize. Doesn't it look at?

Keep it up. Keep it off. Keep it off. baby in the face. Come on, could we get her up here a little bit faster? Come on. Cole, let's go. Come on. Jesus, fucking Christ. This is one of the slowest sluts I've ever seen in my life. You mean slug. Let's go. Here she comes. Here we go. You're great. You're fantastic. Thank you. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? Motor voter. Take a Sharpie. Take a Sharpie. Oh shit. She's

She's going to draw. Oh, my God. Katie Perry. Wow. Look at that. Wow. You can keep that. That's an official Kill Tony Sharpie.

You earned it. Oh, my God. Now you go home, tell all your friends you just molested George Lopez. How about one more time for this girl, everybody? The best things in the world are here in the Kill Tony universe. Make a wish, bro. You're welcome. That was my make a wish.

I can get deported happily now. That was your make of bitch. How about that? This is the first time in killed Tony history that two people contracted HPV. Somehow I ended up feeling like a whore after that. I don't know. That's crazy. You look like it.

Tell me again why your arial eyes are so small. They look like fish eyes. I don't know. I got them from my mom. Good Lord. Give them back. I can smell them from here. They're killing me.

You're killing me. This is crazy. How did it feel? How did it taste? It tasted pretty good. Let's see a replay of it. No, we don't got a we don't got a tape back. Wow Oh my god. I think I see some matching tattoos there. This looks like a Chazam! It looks like Red Band when he gets a beef and cheddar at Arby. Oh, she's a trooper. Look at oh he's the one that pulled back. Wait a second, wait let's go back to that replay.

Like one more time. There's a moment where he pulled back there. back. Lewis, much like at the UFC, I want to know what's going on through your mind. Lewis, the play going there. Just go back and forth on him pulling back, please. Lewis, I want to talk to Lewis here. Lewis, tell me what is going on through your mind when you're pulling away from that slut's tongue?

I was expecting a sensual kiss. I didn't know I was about to be tongues like that. Wow. The good shit. It is the good shit. but I wasn't expecting it. You know, my first time on stage, I didn't think I would be making out

with another lesbian, so this is a first form of him. That is so Minneapolis of him. I didn't realize I was going to be taking advantage of up here tonight. You fucking, you little pussy fart. That's going to live in my nightmares. I'm going to have...

It's also going to live on the Internet forever, so... We're live on Tubey, bitch. Louis-Ouse, here you go, my friend. There's a big joke book. Shit cat. You did it. Wow. There goes Lewis.

Go ahead. There he goes. Lewis. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Wow. Tony, Tony, you guys are making dreams come true today. It is amazing, right?

He looked uncomfortable, but I think he's going to be high-fiving somebody backstage. Oh yeah, you just have the time of his life. You can't have fun like that in Minneapolis, Minnesota nowadays. Have you ever seen ariolas like that before, Bud? I'm trying not to focus on stuff like that. They were very tiny, they were very purple. It almost looked like little grape jolly ranchers or something like that. It looked like a raccoon peering out of a dumpster.

You guys think we should go to the Legends bucket again, huh? Yes. It's time. Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Legend, frontrunner, 2026 guest of the year, along with the many other grades. You know, him he has one of the best specials ever. ever on YouTube. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for one of our favorites right now in the Kiltoni universe and one of my personal best friends. This is a return to one of the best comedians in the world. Joe DeRosa, everybody. Joe Deroza. Los Angeles, how are we? Good to see you guys.

I actually went through a breakup recently. I've been self-medicating with strip clubs. Strippers are getting fucking lazy. man. They're getting fucking lazy. I had a stripper come up to me the other night. I go, hey, how you doing? She goes, ugh, I'm tired. I'm sorry, miss. Did you just talk to me like a regular woman in the middle of my fantasy place? Oh, I didn't know this was a fantasy nag. Could have went to my mother's house for this. It would have been a lot cheaper. I'm going to be

honest, I haven't just been self-medicating with strip clubs. Been hitting a few massage parlors, too. There's only one reason as a man you go to a massage parlor. Hand job. Hand job. The happy ending. And for anybody in the audience feeling a little uncomfortable that I'm addressing this subject matter, I know what you're thinking.

Oh my God, what about human trafficking? That's half the thrill, God damn it. Nuts out going, ice could kick this fucking door open at any minute right now. This place is what? But here's the funny thing about massage parlors. No matter which one I've ever been to, and it hasn't been a ton in my life, eight or nine dozen, but no matter what city I'm in, they all have the same menu. It's like McDonald's. 30-minute massage or 60-minute massage.

Both end with a hand job. So you might be wondering, why in God's name would you wait twice as long and pay even more money to get to the same happy ending? It's a great question, and I have an answer. Sixty minute massage is actually better. It's better. It's more involved. They work the tissue a little deeper. They work the extremities a little longer.

You get a full foot and hand rub. Sometimes they walk on your back. It's better. They also finger your asshole. Now, to me, that's the biggest perk of the 60 minute. I think that beats the foot rub is the fingering of the asshole. I was in one one time like this on all fours, like a dirty little doggy wagging my tail. The lady tat my asshole, and she held her finger up.

And she said, sir, inside. or out. That's not what she said. She said, oh, so inside or out. I don't know why they called a happy ending. Nobody's happy at the end, especially her. She's like, this isn't what they said Delaware would be like. This country stinks. And I'm not happy either because it's expensive. I can't even enjoy the orgasm. Because all I can think about is what I could have spent that money on. Whole orgasm, I'm like, oh, there goes a Nintendo Swift.

All right, I got to go, everybody. Thank you for my... Thank you for listening. Make some noise for the great. Thank you. Joe DeRosa. Joe, we fucking love you. Thanks so much for doing this

and being a kill-tony fucking icon. So many episodes we've recorded this year, you're one of my best friends. I love you, buddy. We fucking love you. I love all of you. Yeah, this is great. Thank you for having me.

You ever been to one of those massage parlors? Yes, and I was so pissed off because the girl, the masseuse, when she laid down and ordered me to give her a massage, I was pissed. Did you give her a happy ending? He's laughing. Won't you please join him? Did you give her a happy ending? No, what I did is I've been taking these pills where I don't know how it happened,

but I can actually lay an ostrichag. So I sat on her face and laid an ostrichag right on her stupid, fat, puffy, vainy, smelly, zit-covered, diarrhea-coated face. Well, he's asking. If he didn't ask, you won't have to hear all this. Would you, you cauliflower soup sucking freaks? You're very venomous tonight.

I've never heard you be this mean. You bring it out in me, my guy. I know. I'm gonna have sex with you later. Oh, yeah. You could try, but I'm made of cork. Me and me can't wait to watch that go down. That'll be...

Yeah. Joe de Rosa, we fucking love you. I love you guys. Thank you for having me, boys. You are the man. Thank you guys. Another great set by legend, Joe de Rosa. Joe de Rosa.

That thing with the bow tie. What the fuck are you? Did you sign up? Do you have a minute? Yeah. You do? I gotta see what you're gonna do. Go over there to these people. I just see what the fuck you are exactly. Colt, you got this? Look at this fucking thing. You got a camera on this?

This is coming up. We're one bucket pool away from this. It's Pee-Wee Sherman. It's got a little attitude. Colt, get its name, write it down, send it to me. In the meanwhile, we're going to go to this bucket pool. It is Wesley Brenner, everybody. Wesley Brenner is now. Hey, how's going, guys?

My name is Wes. People have told me I look like a genie if you were to rub an old dirty bong instead of a lamp. I would come out, you know. But I just asked to borrow $30. Like, instead of granting three wishes, I just take three things away.

You know, I just drove up from San Diego. San Diego's pretty cool. we have a lot of reactions to San Diego. We've got SeaWorld in San Diego, you know, or as the whales call it, Auschwitz Atlantis. So that's fun. I've been looking into it, though, and I looked back in the day, guys, in like medieval times,

they had pocket pussies. I was looking at this up, they had pocket pussies. I mean, they called the midgets back then, but they did. They had them, you know. Yeah, dude. I actually told that joke the other day and somebody told me that like midget is an offensive word. I didn't know that. I guess they don't like to be called midget. Now you're supposed to call them little f***es. All right, that's my time, guys. Give it up for your house.

Hell yeah. An aggressive set, Wesley Brenner. Wesley, just hold the mic in your hand, pal. Sure. Wesley, welcome, welcome. What are you? What ethnicity are you exactly? A quarter black, quarter Mexican, and half white. And part hamburgler. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right here.

Wesley, welcome to the show. How long you've been doing stand-up? Three and a half years. Nice. What vape store do you work at? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vapes are us. Really? What do you do for work? I play music, like, yeah, I sing and play the guitar and stuff. Really? You sing? You have, like, original stuff?

I have original music. Is it reggae? It touches on that, you know, sometimes. Can you give us just an example, like one line of a song? Uh, let's see. You're in the Insuit dome right now. You just jump right into it. An original song or just a...

Yes. Uh, okay. Or else you'll set off the YouTube sensors. Ooh, you are my life. You are my soul on right. Say you make me a shine. Make everything feel alright. Wow, that's pretty good.

Amazing, Wesley. Big you. The thing is set. Yeah. Wesley, how long you've been doing music for? 21 years. You seem very talented. What made you want to start stand-up three years plus?

Music didn't work out, you know. Why? How? Oh, I'm still here. You know, I'm just in obscurity. You drove up from San Diego just for this? With a couple buddies, yeah. Nice. You look like Whoopi Goldberg fucked Fuzzy Bear.

Yeah. That's a compliment. I like it. It is true. What's your favorite thing to do when you're not doing stand-up? Ketamine. Wow. Wow.

That's amazing. Hell yeah. Maybe that's why you look like Bob Marley's foot at the end of his life. That's where his infection was, a little fun fact for those who do that don't know. Amazing. Wesley, when you say you make money doing music though? I mean, barely, you know, but we're paying the bills. Just doing music and comedy?

Yeah, right now, yeah. Amazing. How hard is that? What's your living situation like? I'm in a house, but I'm about to move into a car and head to New York, so I was going to get smaller. What makes you want to move to New York? Comedy? More of the transportation.

I love the subways and trains. I don't want to drive everywhere. You're going to live in your car and take the train and subway places? Yeah, yeah. That's a very interesting method that you figured how. Yeah, the car is going to stay. be standalone. I hope it's a fast car

because you look like Tracy Chapman's brother with AIDS. Can I ask him something like as a singer? I mean, normally I ask comedy questions. Yeah, go ahead. Go right ahead.

Bro, as a singer, and I'm just curious, can I hear your highest note that you can hit? I'm really bad at like a falsetto, but yeah, it's going to be really embarrassing and my voice is going to crack.

Do it. I don't even know. How about low? Wait, wait, keep doing it, keep doing it. And now you're a train, my little friend. Thank you. I love it. I love it.

I love it. Wesley, give us one more other crazy fun fact about your life. I was the one who gave Doug Stanhope ketamine and skankfest. Oh wow. I actually watched him snort that. And it was in the bathroom with you. He was in the urinal. He stepped away from the urinal.

He said, Tony, I just opened for you. for you and then I gave him ketamine. Yeah, I watched him. He snorted it not in the back. I mean, he may have snorted some in the bathroom. I wasn't paying attention. However, believe it or not, I don't look at other people when they're in the urinal.

But I can tell you that he definitely did do a giant bump off the top of his hand on the other side of the curtain after the guy said his name. So he's like, they're like, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope, he's like, watch this. And then he went out. He's a fucking real rock star. I can't fathom anything like it.

We love Doug Stanhope, so you're doing the Lord's work, giving him his ketamine. Let's check in with the great fluffy Gabriel Inglacius. The question I think we're all wondering is the person that you rolled up from San Diego. Was it the other comic that was up here earlier? No, but my other friend is in the bucket. They got bolt, so hopefully they're going to be out here. Right. All right, Wesley.

Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. Wesley Brunner. Don't do drugs. Guys, your next comedian is not out of the legends bucket, nor is she a regular, nor is she a golden ticket winner. However, she has somehow, and I mean, by good reason,

she's one of the funniest comedians in all of Austin and Los Angeles, California, and has the most viral joke perhaps ever in the history of the show. She's here, she's back again. You know her. Make some fun. for the great Christina Mariani everybody. People don't know this about me, but I'm Italian.

I'm from Italy. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. I feel like Italians were a pretty likeable group of people. Yeah. Which, it's weird how much more likable Italians are than Germans. Right? Because we both kind of did a pretty big.

kind of did a pretty bad thing. But Italians were more likable, even though we were both. And I think it's because we have pizza. I think Italians, we have pizza and Germans. That's not how they use their ovens. Yeah, that's the spicy Jew. I think I, uh, I tend to do. date other foreign people.

I get along with people from other countries more. We just have a vibe. My ex-boyfriend was Indian. So yeah, I really like that he was Indian. We got along in a lot of ways. I think the only thing I didn't like was how hairy he was. But it's okay, I'm Italian, we're hairy too,

but he was a lot hairier than me. But I never said anything. I loved him, you know, it's fine, But you know how Instagram can kind of hear your thoughts? So I saw a video on Instagram, and it was of this girl putting there in someone's body wash. I know it's pretty fucked up, but I tried it. But it's okay. It didn't work, because it turns out you gotta use it.

And he cheated on me, so he really was a stinker. Thank you guys, thank you. The great Christina Mariah. Christina, fantastic set. How do you feel good? Yeah, thank you. Fuck yeah. You really have an Indian ex-boyfriend?

Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, no, I don't, is it? Yeah. I can't really picture that. Oh, well. Did he smell? I think I'm just petty.

I think that was more what that was. He was fine. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah, thank you. Gabriel, is this your first time seeing Christina? I want to say that I saw your set online. Oh, cool.

Do you wear a ball cap before? Yeah, I wear a hat a lot of the time. Thank you. Very, very funny. Thank you so much. It means a lot. The extremely famous joke of crossing. Oh, yeah, the wallet.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. I got a lot of, I've been on tour and stuff that really helped being on Kill Tony. So thank you for the opportunity. Indeed. It's awesome. She is a rising star.

Amazing superstar. Make some noise one more time for the great Christina Mariani, ladies and gentlemen. Making her into it dome debut. I have a feeling knowing her and her trajectory that she'll be back here real soon. All right, the show's so wild that if I see somebody that looks interesting in the crowd, I get to do whatever the fuck I want. And this person looked very interesting. So I'm going to bring them on stage.

They said they had a minute prepared. Let's see how it goes. Make some noise for Mario Bosco, everybody. The guy shows up, rolls down his window, when he starts yelling, he can't take me. And I was like, why not? He said he forgot the car seat. It's crazy, right?

But I do have some exciting news for you all. I got a call today from ABC TV, and they want me. want me to be your next bachelor. Yes, they told me to tell you all to tune in this season on Nickelodeon. Come on, guys, wake up. Imagine me, your next bachelor,

a half-stacked man with the kind of voice a tranny would kill for. Speaking of voices, everywhere I go, they call me, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. I was in Disneyland. The guy goes, hey, ma'am, you forgot your purse. I said, yeah, fuck you, keep it. Somebody asked me backstage, why am I like this? It's because my mother got drunk in Disney World

and had sex with Mickey Mouse. You went over your time. I love it. Good set, rock solid. Look at you. I don't even know where the fuck to begin. The most impressive thing for me was the fact that you got yourself on stage from the crowd.

I was here today. Online for four hours, like a mama Luke. I thought you were going to show me scars. I'm like, I'm not worth it. Don't do it. Had to wait on line today. Like, you know. How do you feel after doing that set?

Like a civilian. What? How do you feel right now that you've done that set? And you got yourself up here. Amazing. I love LA! That's awesome. Fuck you out.

You crushed it. Thank you. Mario Bosco, you're Italian, huh? That's right. Brooklyn. Wow. Brooklyn, New York. And look at you. What brought you out to LA this week?

I do a lot of shows. I'm a comedian. nine years, actor SEG, actor 40, and I open up for a friend of mine, Little Momit Sidel. You also open up for Little Momo and you're just sitting in the crowd by yourself? That's incredible. These two gentlemen gave me a ticket to get in here so I could try to sneak on. I love it. It actually fucking worked. That's funny. Little Momo's like, get him in the front row.

Tony sees this fucking thing. He's probably going to drag it up there. Little Momo got two fucking open. up here tonight and he's not even doing a spot. That's so funny. Mario, you look like the trainer who had the monkey that tried to eat Fiona's wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like photocopied him to yourself.

Okay. Like a fucking Mama Luke. Okay, get it out. Mama Luke. What is a Mama Luke? I've heard that term. What is it? Like a guy from the neighborhood that's just like,

just stupid cheap motherfucker, you know? He's a mama luke. Mama Luke. Yeah. Can't take them no place. Have you ever heard the term pork you pine? Porky pine? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, we have a couple. Well, surprise, you are one. Oh, thank you. It's my trademark. Have you met the pug? Had I met the pug? No.

You two should get together later and do a children's book. Oh, lovely. Thank you. Mario, I think it's overdue at this point. I gotta ask, you have like, what is it? What is it? Like Benjamin Buttons or some shit? No, I was born with a disease called panhypo pituitaryism, where a doctor gave my mom cold medicine after her water broke and left me like this.

And I'm on Kill Pony! Fuck yeah. You're killing it. That is incredible. How old are you? Can I ask? 53 years old. 53! Wow.

I got to tell you, you are the youngest-looking 53-year-old I've ever seen in my life. That is incredible. What do you do for work normally in real life? Just show business. Wow. Write jokes in the day, go to the city, do shows all over Manhattan, get on planes, come to L.A. baby, and rock it out. Mario, I love your energy. Obsessed with you. How many bow ties do you have? About 250. What the fuck?

About 150 jackets. Holy shit. I love it. I love it. You're the real deal, Mario. Real deal, Mario. Deal. So cool. Thank you.

It's amazing that you got yourself on stage from the audience. I don't think that's ever happened before. No. It is a very rare... You gotta do it. You gotta take chances in life, right? I'm fluffy. And I gotta tell you, you dress the part, you wore the nice jacket, the bow tie, the fucking everything. You got your ass up here.

That is 40 plus years in show business. You tricked my ass. I thought I had it all figured out. But here, I just got played like a fool. played like a fool and you made the best of the opportunity and you made the show a little bit that much more crazy and original. So thank you Mario. Here's a here's a big joke book. Booh. Thank you. I love you guys. Make some noise for Mario Bosco everybody. I want to buy cotton candy from her. This place is about to go apes shit. You guys want to go ape shit? I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A man

who has absolutely dominated 100% of the time that he's ever been on this stage. He is, without a doubt, one of your favorite comedians in the world. I truly believe, I truly believe, listen to what I'm about to say, that this man is on a nonstop trajectory to be one of the biggest arena acts in the history of comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a man who one day will be a citizen of the United States. of America but for right now he remains the Estonian assassin this is our hello everybody drinking tonight huh thank god I hate sober people listen if you're sober just don't come out I don't want to see your ass at my party just walking

around remembering what happened, just making memories. I need everyone to be fucked up at my party. Nobody remembered. Who's raping who? That's what happened to P. Didi? Beautiful Hollywood party, banging bitches, baby oil. And then somebody was sober. And an empire fell.

All of my friends are alcoholics. I trust them. I need to see behind the facade for me to trust you. I don't care who you are at 10 a.m. I need to know who you are. 22 shots deep, 3 a.m. That's when men start saying shit like, you know, Hitler. Now I know you're cool. All of my friends are alcoholics.

They have the best stories. If you're sober, what do you talk about? Perfection doesn't resonate. Mistakes too. What do you talk about? Oh, I had a full ramp cycle on my whoop, on my whoop. My friend Joe DeRosa, absolute animal, retarded alcoholic. The best stories.

He went to New Orleans for a comedy festival and got blown by a tranny in the bathroom. I bet that doesn't happen at the run club, does it? What do you guys talk about? Peptides? My friend is banging men. I love fucked up people. You know when you're at a party and you see just a sea of hammered people? Everyone's moving and grooving. And then you see that one guy in the back.

You know the guy, the sober guy with the water, you know this guy? Just hydrated and sharp. That's the rapist. Thank you guys so much. I love LA. He's done it again. The great ARI Mati. Truly all the time showing

who the fuck he is on this show. One of the hardest workers, one of the biggest writers, non-stop writing, crashed into him, ran into him at the pool. We're staying at the same hotel. ran into him at the pool, writing, just constantly facing the notebook, constantly doing outworking everybody every night. When everyone else has one or two spots, he's doing five or six.

There's no coincidences in this world. You hear about the fucking Kobe was practicing all the time. You hear Jordan, Tiger was putting all fucking day. And then you're a perfect example in this comedy business of hard work pays off. On top of being naturally funny. Thank you. I really appreciate you. Yeah. And it is true. We do drink a lot and have a lot of fun.

I've become a degenerate alcoholic after moving to America and I've gained... Hey, by the way, everyone in the comments, don't you think I know I'm getting fat? You don't think I've noticed? Dude, I've gained 38 pounds on the dot after moving to... Two years, 38 pounds. I look like shit, dude. I feel like shit. This country is trying to kill me.

Fuck. Dude, I'm on the road. I'm jacking off in weird hotels. Oh my God. Things are pretty bad, but fun, but fun. Have you been to Cracker Barrel yet, my guy? A Cracker Barrel. I have not.

I've seen the logo. Yeah, you got to get in there. You'll have an extra 30. I wish I got the reference. A lot of gravy on country fried steak and whatnot. Me, what do I think about our? Ari, you're killing it. You've been killing it for years. You came over from Estonia. You brought your swagger, your pants. You've got that cool Estonian bracelet on your neck. You're starting to look like Ellen in her final form. But you're a beast. Thank you, Tony, Tony. I love you. We have some fun in Austin, don't we?

Man, I was at the... Dude, I was at the... being on the road, you know, it's so tough. You're always lonely. I was at that whole by you saw me, where by the pool. So yesterday, I hear one of the most exilite, when you stay at a lot of hotels, one of the most exhilarating things is when you over here people fucking. Or domestic violence, whichever. Sometimes both.

Sometimes both. Sometimes both sound a lot alike. So at the hotel, I don't want to say the name because it's a nice hotel, but still. The kinta. Yes. The Lakintas, well, La Kinta is where you hear domestic violence and other things. But I was, so I was walking in the hallway.

And you know when you're like, so I go for my coffee, I go for my coffee, I hear them banging, banging, bang and bang and ah, ah, I hear them banging. And it's kind of like performative, like I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical. I'm behind the door like, this, this is fake. I go for the coffee, I go for the coffee. I come back like 15 minutes later, still going. Now I know this is fake. 15 minutes, sure.

So. Yeah, what is the guy gay? Not already. Oh, okay. So then I go to the pool and I see three giant black men. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It gets interesting. I'm very interested.

Three black men, I'm interested. I'm interested. I'm interested. His names. They take the elevator. I ask what floor. They go 11. I'm on 11.

Are they coming for me? So, Boys. So, we go to the... They are next door to me at the room where this is all happening. And I figure out they're shooting porn at the hotel room next to me. Oh boy. And then...

I don't know what it is about LA, but the devil took over. I closed it's it's midday by the way. Next, I put my coffee down. I put the blinds. I make it dark. I get my iPad out. I put it on mute. I start watching porn while next to the wall like listening.

And I'm like jacking off watching the iPad. Just fucking come all over my feet, my toes, the hotel carpet. Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. We don't have it. Man, and the shame you feel, you know, when you're just with an iPad, just... How's that for VR, Brian? Never done that before.

It's a new one. So yeah, something about LA just gets the darkness out of me. I don't know what it is, dude. It is incredible. Darkness in you, darkness staying next door to you. It's everywhere. Ari, you have done it again. What an imprint on this show.

What an imprint. you guys so much. Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get another bucket pool up here. We're running a bit long, but I like it like that. You guys having fun out there? The upper bowl. How's the upper deck doing? Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It is Joseph Garcia, everyone. Here we go. What's up, y'all? My name's Joseph. Fun fact about me. My mom had me when she was 16. Anybody else in Mexican? Damn, La Rasa, yeah, this used to be Mexico, that makes sense, that completely checked out. Every time I tell someone to T-mom growing up, they gave me the same reaction.

It's always a white person, they'll corner me, they'll be like, that must have sucked. And yeah, I get why someone would say that, that's the normal response. But I don't know, man, I like that shit. I thought it was pretty sick. Because when your mom's 16, you don't have to listen to her. What, I liked it, bro? Yeah, just be realistic, bro. Because imagine having a teen mom.

I always try to ground me growing up. She was like, me, go to your room. You're grounded. I was always like, nah, fool. You go to your room. Grandma grounded you first. Yeah, you should listen to grandma. Because grandma's like 33.

She's? All right, that's it for me. Thank you guys so much. Joseph Garcia. A lot of numbers, a lot of ages. A lot going on there. I'm going to check in with me here. Go ahead.

Joseph, what's your love life like? Well, I mean, that's not where I would start. Okay. Okay. It's a little bit deeper. That sucked, Joseph. What's going on? How long you've been doing stand-up?

That sucks? Yep. Oh, no. My dream. How long you've been doing stand-up? Like about seven, eight years now? Oh, where at? Yeah.

Out here in L.A. Where? Where do you live? I'm from Santa Ana. San Antonio. I'm from Orange County, yeah. You live in Hollywood now? No.

You live in Orange County. No. So I stay in the Inland Empire, but I have to travel up here a lot for comedy. You stay where? Inland Empire. Okay. So that's the answer. That's where you live.

That's where you perform. Got it. Yeah. All right. So Joseph, what do you do for work? I just do this and I do music production. I make beats for rappers and stuff like that. So that's pretty cool.

Uh-oh. Joseph, you're L.A., it seems through and through. At least that's what you're claiming. Give us something about your life that'll make this arena. Love you. This is LA. You're in it right now. What's a redeeming quality about you that'll make these people love you? All right. So you asked about the dating life? I'm not good at dating, dude. That's not good.

I'm just not good at it. Like I hooked up with a chick recently, and the first time we were hooking up, she tried to get me a dirty talk. I learned I'm not good at dirty talk. She whispered her to my ears. She was like, yeah, you like that? I didn't know what to say. I was like, I'm just happy to be here. Okay, dokey. That's crazy. Gabriel, you got anything for this guy? I thought he was from San Diego.

He does have San Diego energies tonight. San Diego energy. Someone find Andrew Ridgely and get this Wham ass out of here. Oh, I love the Wham. You are Wham. I am, Wham? You don't like the haircut, Harlan? I love it. I want to take you to the beach and rub you all over a starfish.

Joseph, I'm going to save you. I'm going to get you out of here. There's a little joke. There he goes, everybody. On to the next one we go. I'm gonna cleanse the room. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a full-time former regular of the show. He is a member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. He is on top of being one of the best, biggest touring comedians around. He is also literally the best roast other than me in the show's entire history. Back here where it all started in Los Angeles, California,

I present to you, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, the great Davis Lucas. The world is fucked up, and a lot of people are blaming it on the president, but I think the biggest problem that's plaguing the world is that fat girls have way too much confidence. Like, I miss the good old days when fat bitches will walk by you with their fucking head at the ground and shit. Now these holes walk by you

where they fucking head in the sky. It's like, hey, bitch, look at the ground when you all past me. What the fuck is that? I hate that shit, bro. We've got to fucking coddle fat bitches feelings. You can't even call them a fat bitch no more. You got to call them shit like curvy or voluptuous

or a BBW. But if you see a fat guy, It's like, look at this fat piece of shit. It's delusion. I hate it. Fat girls go to Lulu Lemon and buy the biggest pants they can and pull up their fucking belly button and then put a fucking halter top on

and have one inch of stomach showing. It's like, bitch, I still see that fucking gut. Like, imagine if I did that shit. Imagine if I came in here with my pants above my belly button and I had a cutoff shirt. Y'all would be like, call the cops on this, nigga. What the fuck? But I do love fat girls.

I think my favorite type of fat girls. fat girl is a fat girl that lost a lot of weight and she got that loose skin. I love them fucking loose skin bitches. I took one of them loose skin bitches to the swimming pool and she started swimming. That bitch was in the pool looking like a stingray. It was, oh my God, look at this bitch. You ever try to fuck one of them loose skin holes from the back, bro? Spreading out her ass cheeks is like spreading out bat wings, you know what I thought I was holding an endangered bird. I'm like, throwing a fat girl with loose skin on your bed is like folding out a blanket. You know what I said?

This is like. Don't have a fan, though, that bitch's gonna start floating. Like, you can't get the, get the, all right, that's my time, y'all. Hall of Famer, legend, you've seen hundreds of his sets. And he's back in LA with us where it all started with him. It's two gay diggers. That's crazy. That's, when you get fucking, he feels it.

That's it. And meanwhile, you're the size of three gay people. Tony, your asshole look like Joe Rogan's ear, nigga. You're fucking... You got cauliflower asshole, bitch. I'm surprised you even know what cauliflower is with your history with vegetables. I bet you know what a cucumber is, ain't it, bitch. I do. I do. And it's none of your business, but I do with it.

Fucking Mexican Ryan Seacrests over here. What the fuck? I'm not gonna take that O'Dell Beckham Carls Jr. You look like Tony before he moved to Austin, nigga. You look like B-Bop A. Roxta. Rocksteady. I don't know how y'all file two of them stupid-ass vest. I hate them fucking vest, nigga. Let me say they bulletproof, man. It's a very expensive vest. I'll have you know.

Shoot a dildo bullet at you, niggas. Oh my God. Bring it on. Tony looked like the type of nigga that go to sleep in a t-shirt with no bottom. zone. Unbelievable. That's how you swim, right? I'm kidding. He can't swim. Tony practice drowning so he can get mouth to mouth. You get mouth to mouth to fucking meatloaf. You look like the bouncer at Jurassic Park. More like Jurassic Dark, am I right? Y'all niggins look like y'all taste

test the new lollipops, bitch. Get the fuck out of it. Look at Harley. You look like one them preachers that get bit by rattlesnakes there and pray it off. God got me. Well, well. I almost forgot. You forgot? One of the greatest roast rivalries of Piltoni, Harlan Williams versus David Lucas. We've seen this before.

Old Arch Nemesis. Hell yeah, boy, get your white frozen on looking ass on. Well, well, well, if it isn't the lion, the witch, and the waterbird. You're the only guy in the world. Everyone else to that is a plaid shirt for you. It's a picnic blanket. This guy's gonna go into a park later and eat a seven-course meal off his own shirt.

This is the only guy that drives around Austin in a shitty old car, but he calls it a BMW because the only time anyone sees is it at Burger King, McDonald's and Wendy's. It's hard to roast this old-ass nigger, fucking diamond Dallas Page looking ass. What the hell's on your head? Lift that thing up, that fucking thing. There'll be a zebra's asshole on the back of your head. There we go. Hell yeah, boy. Have you seen that movie Eat Pray Love? You're the sequel.

How the fucking poster rolls all three of these things, man? What the fuck? This is the only guy in the world who steps on a landmine and the landmine goes underground. Harder up for these things, boy, fuck you, Harley. It's hard to roast your old Canadian. You look like a preacher rooster, digger. Get the fuck about it. Garland Williams somehow summons being a roast god anytime David Lucas is in front of him.

I think this the only time he really go hard is when I blame my black ass up here. That's right, buddy. Look at you. Holy fuck. You're like an orange Julius that got tagged. What are you sucking on? Is that... A vape, nigger, you want to hit it? Yeah, give me a hat. It's the only guy in the world that vapes and it takes. like fucking Thanksgiving dinner.

What do it taste like, Harley? It tastes like it was in your ass. What the hell is that? It's called fucking fab, you old n. It's called what? Fucking fab. Did you call me Old Ann? Yeah.

Well, screw you, fat honky. I would blow a smoke ring, but you'd probably think it's an onion ring and eat the fucking thing. The roast master right here, bro. It is true. Love you, bro. I love David. Come on. Fun showdown.

It's impossible to roast that nigga, bro. He's a fucking character. He don't give a fuck how his hair looked. He just come up here. He is. Just like Rocky Balboa when he got that new Corvette. Or Thunderbird, whatever the fuck it was. I hear you're in the new Star Wars.

They've created a new character, Jabba the Pizza Hut. Fluffy, say something. God damn. Help me out. No, are you kidding me? This is all, man. I'm waiting for you to take shots at me. Yeah, you look like a.

Mexican turkey ready to go in the oven, bitch. Your ass. They got that nigga injected with Taheem and Chamoy. I got to roast somebody. This nigga, this dude, you got so much gravy dripping out of your parts. You can roast yourself.

Shit, boy. Oh, my God. It makes me hot. Fuck you, bitch. He is the only one that ever stumps you. I've never seen anything like it. In the history, it's like it's like 145 punches landed for Harlan and like 14 for you. I can never get this thing.

Nobody is the only guy to have an advantage on you and he literally has your number, which I think is 575. Is that your weight? Hell yeah, it is. David, whether it's you crushing or setting other people up like this to win, every single fucking time you're on this. show you elevate it. Yes. Which is incredible. He just rubbed his head with the fucking grocery store receipt. And I just wrapped on my first feature, bro. They saw me on kill Tony and shit, bro. It comes out of October, man. So like, whatever you feel about us, bro, Tony is really making stars out this bitch, bro. He wants everybody to succeed. Damn right.

Hell yeah. I love you. Make some noise one more time into a dome for the kill. Tony Hall of Famer. David lights out Lucas. All right. The only guy in the world was has underwear, large, extra large, and bouncy house. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like it's going to be good as fuck. Makes the noise for Greg the blind man, everybody. Greg the blind man. Am I facing you guys? Hey, how's it going? Nice to see you all. Yeah. Forgive me if I fuck up up up here. because I'm pretty fucking high, man. I am.

Yeah. There's no secret. I like to smoke weed. I do. How many of you guys out there like to smoke weed? Raise your hand. How many of you guys raise your hand to a blind man? That's fucked up, man.

Hey, but the weed be fucking with me sometimes, man. It does. Just like the other day I got really high. I got so fucking high that I thought I could see. I thought I could see. I thought I had my fucking vision back, man. I got so excited I ran to go tell my wife, ran right into a fucking wall, man.

My wife comes in, she's like, what's all the commotion? I'm like, I thought I could see. She's like, damn, Greg, again. But I do want to leave you with one thing, though, very important. If you guys ever live with someone blind, there's one thing you guys should never do. And that's leave a fucking plunger in the toilet. Try to explain that to the doctor. Thank you.

My name is Greg Garcia, I go by the blind man. Greg Garcia, the blind man has arrived. Welcome, Greg. Thank you. Have you been blind your whole life? No, I've been blind for 14 years already. What happened 14 years ago? I just lost sight, diabetes.

Wow. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. How long you've been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for like about two years, two and a half years. You love it?

I love it. You know what? Doing it got me out of my depression from going blind. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Beautiful. I always said, after it's the best medicine ever.

That in weed, you know. You know. Are you based out of here, Los Angeles? No, I'm from Indio. I'm from the, uh, New California, yeah. Look at that. Way up there, huh? Yeah.

Oh, in the desert, yeah. Yeah. It's down there. Okay. You guys ever heard of it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for, what do you have it, what do you do for work, Greg?

Is that a crazy question? No, it's not a crazy question. I drive for Uber. Uh-huh. You got it. You got me. Yeah. I just stick my cane out the window and I just...

I will be walking home tonight. I love it. How about your wife? How long you've been with her? 34 years. 34 years. Wow. Yeah.

Amazing. You guys have kids? We got three kids and I just brand new grandpa. Yeah. Whoa. Look at that. Yeah. Excited.

about that. I love my little juju. I call it jujubee. Yeah. I love it. 34 years with your wife, you ever wish you were deaf? No, you know what? She's a good woman, man. She's a good woman. She's a real good woman. I love her to death. She stood by you through it all. That had to be quite the process. Stood by my sight, even when I lost my sight. Yeah. She stuck by you. Either that or she has really quiet sex with another man. Right? Whoa!

Yeah. Yeah. For real. What was the last thing you remember seeing? Good question, Me. Thank you. Yeah, that is a good question. I think the last thing I sing was me naked.

Wow, I would have gone blind too. Yeah. Do you read Braille? No, I don't read Braille. I can a little bit, but not that good, yeah. Not that good, yeah. You ever walk up to pimply-faced teenagers and read their face? That's funny, no.

Greg, was there something that, like, you loved when you had diabetes that you just couldn't give up? Were you, like, addicted to four locoes or something? Like, what type of diet? I used to like to drink a lot. Ah. And I couldn't ever put down the sodas. Ah. Yeah.

Loved it. Yeah. You still drink sometimes? Okay, Jenny, just every now and then, but I've been keeping my health, you know, pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever eat C's candies? Oh.

Funny. You forgot the drums. No, we can. Thanks, Michael. Michael, thank you. Amazing. Amazing. Greg, you fucking crushed up here.

You're so funny. I love your story. I love how you're doing things, man. Thank you. Tony, Tony, Tony, I got something for your bass player. I brought him a little something, man. Okay, yeah, the great D-Madness over here. De-Madness, yeah.

Representing two blind guys absolutely crushing on stage tonight. I love the what he's doing is a real inspiration to the blind people out here, holding it down right here in your set, would kill Tony. Yeah. Hell yeah, man. Yeah. Big kind of his. Yes, sir. I got him a little device.

I call it the Blind Man Device. device, picked it up at a store. It's always an icebreaker. It's always a conversation. It's something like this. So I would love to give him something like that, you know. You got it. Yeah. I'd like to give it to him.

I'd like to see him meet him right to eye if I can. Well, I got news for you. He's 15 steps behind you. Heidi, come on out here and introduce those two. Pretty magical moment. Hey, who's this? That's Heidi. That's not D-Madness. Okay.

Are we going somewhere? Even though they do both have a juicy ass. Sorry. The great Gabriel Anglicius, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. D. Madness is a legend. How about one more time for D. Madness?

He is indeed a hero to blind people. Hell yeah. They're about to show. shake hands and there it is. Greg the blind man meeting deep madness. Get this honky away from me. This motherfucker. All right. Should we bring the girl up to kiss him? What? Nothing. I forgot. Here's a medium joke book. Oh, that was close. That was close, everybody. Right off Heidi's hot tit. There goes Greg the blind man. One more time for Greg

Blind Man everybody. Good job, Greg. Let's have some more fun. I'm going to bring to the stage the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. You know him very well. He's here to do it again. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, is here live in the flush.

What's up? What's going on? Oh, man. Okay. Sick. I'm here for a hotbox to room, you know? You know, I tried to hidebox my garage by turning on my car and didn't work like I thought. It was difficult.

But still got fucked up, so that's all the matter. Okay. I want to incorporate magic in my act. I literally saw a living in half and the magic is, and the magic is, modern medicine let's see she save her okay okay if I had a tie machine by the time of Shane I go back and I would circumcise baby Hitler because now everybody's like kill baby Hitler I'm like convert him get them on your side you know you can get it well I'm done so

Bada Bing, okay. That's a fucking great premise. Convert baby Hitler. Why would you kill him and you can fucking utilize them? Yeah. Have him kill the Germans. It sounds good, bro. Martin, I love this get-up you have tonight. Is this your L.A. fucking attire?

Yeah, L.A. Martin is in the building. Have you been having fun this trip? It's been okay. Why? Why do you say it? Why do you say it like that? What happened? They told my car. Oh, shit. I know.

I just read the parking sign. I scanned the app, and I couldn't pay after 3 p.m. So I thought, oh, shit, free parking after 3 p.m. But turns out it means totally. after 3 p.m. Damn. Yeah, I know that's a LA experience as getting your car towed.

Did you have your handicap placard? Dude, you know, I don't respect it at all in this fucking city, you know? Damn. Trust me, I always make sure I put that shit up, okay? Yeah, I always make sure I put mine up and then I try to walk like you away from the car.

You know, you got to do what you got to do, you know. Yeah. But, you know, totally, I know this for Netflix is a joke about that. So yet again, I want to pitch another movie idea of mine. Yeah. Okay, so this, this movie is either a raunchy comedy or it could be a poro. It just depends on the direction you take it in. Okay, okay?

So, okay, it starts out this guy, he's cleaning his grandpa's basement, and he finds an old book, and he can't, he can't decipher what the writing is, and he's trying to say it out loud, and it turns out it's a book of spells, and he turns his cat into a human. And the human is like a hot chick. So then he's conflicted whether he should have sex with this new hot chick, because he also knows it's his cat.

And then, you know, in the end, he kind of gains confidence in himself and learns it's all of that. Lurinsis up to win it because he almost drives the fuck his cat anyway. It's cold, it's cold, it's called one's new pussycat. Wow. I just got worried they just towed your car again because of that. Uh, no, Martin, you're fucking fantastic.

Back there, okay. You're an unstoppable force. We love you. Did you have any other movie pitches or anything? Like the movie Airbon exempt, it's the president of the United States. What'd you say? Airbon except it becomes the president of the United States of America. Okay. Because, you know, that's not in the Constitution.

All right. I think Martin's on, I think Martin's on ketamine tonight, everybody. No, we love you. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, everybody, doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles. We love Martin. Guys, we fucking did it. There's only one comedian left.

Are you guys ready for it? Unfortunately, the great William Montgomery, again, couldn't make it tonight. One final comedian, ladies, gentlemen, you know him and you know him well. He's a man who ever since his first appearance on the show is absolutely dominated. And he has his own rule set where he gets to basically do whatever he wants to do.

An unstoppable force that sells out all over the world after his appearance is on Killed Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a force of nature, unlike anyone else in the history of the show. Here to close us out tonight. Make some noise for the one and only. Timmy Nobray! What a beautiful night.

What a beautiful group of people. I'm so excited. We are here to celebrate the best roaster of all time. Me. And I will be conducting the official roast of Tone Hinchcliffe tonight here lives on Netflix. Well, maybe not Netflix. I did not know Adam Ray was essentially doing the same fucking thing. Start the timer, Red Band.

Look, we could have done this in a lot of different places. We really could have. But Tone chose the Intuit Dome, because when Tone's given Dome, he's into it. No, seriously, this guy's fuck more buttholes than a crunch rap supreme. Boom. Red band knows what I'm talking about. Look, Tone looks like a ventriloquish dummy,

but when he put it a hand in his ass, he just says, Incredible. He's gay, he's a gay man. Tone is a queen. He looks like if a drag queen fucked a bank queen in the bathroom of a dairy queen in Queens, and gave birth to a drama queen, whose first words were, yes, queen. Yeah, remember when you took that from me, you motherfucker?

That was fucked up. Speaking of fuck up, Red Band is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, this is my impression of Red Band having sex. Fuck, you woke up! Pretty good. Big Pop. Big Pop. Guys, give it up for fucking Heidi. She's been doing a great job all night.

People talk shit about it, but I fucking love that bitch. People say, blondes are dumb. I don't agree with that. Heidi scored very highly on her STDs, boom. Oh, and be sure to check out Heidi and Valerie's new show. I think it's called SkankFest, boom, their horse. And let's not forget D-Manness, everybody, the fucking legendary D-Manness. D-Manness is blind and black.

So he definitely has not seen his kids. Let's be real. Let's keep it real. On that note, and this is all surreal, I was told Kevin Hart was gonna be here, but like the madness, he didn't show up. So, Harlan Williams, you will be Kevin Hart for the rest of this roast.

Kevin's so short and black, I call him David Lucas' life expectancy. Boom, double black roast. Two black eyes. one joke. Kevin has to get on his tippy toes deep pussy. Okay? Not because he's short.

You just have to be extra quiet when you're cheating on your fucking wife. That bitch. Okay, so everybody on this day is tonight sent me their jokes. They want to do them as part of the roast. Kevin, you sent me a joke, so I'm going to have you go first.

Give it up for Kevin Hart, everybody. How's it going, everybody? Black people are there? Where my white people are? Where my fat people are? That one was for David Lucas. Okay, so I got to read this. Okay, yeah.

Yo, ho. Up, ho. I'm gonna be 100 with y'all. I ain't never seen a motherfucker kill like that. Give it up for Timmy. Hey, yo, check it out. Let me talk my shit. Look at this hot dog skin motherfucker.

You know, if Tony getting his dick suck, he'd have tapped the motherfucker. I'd be like, nah, nah, nah, nah. Let me show you how to do that. Thanks, I wrote that. You know, Tony's ass should be called Red Band. You little red ass, motherfucker. Tony, why are you red?

Does grown-ass black man like you make you nervous? I didn't write that one. Hey, Tony's face baby looking like ass where's Gucci. More like Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci, little baby face-looking ass motherfucker. Thank you. I'm Mark Norman. That was incredible. I mean, that was so good, Kevin.

Very good job. One more time for Kevin Hart, everybody. All right, your next roaster is known for licking his fingers after he takes the shit. Give it up for fucking Red Band, everybody. Make it loud for fucking Red Band. Wake the fuck up! You know, I spend a lot of time doing VR. Vaginal rape. Make some noise. Come on.

I had to marry an Asian woman because her squeenny eyes can't see how ugly I am. Make some noise. Every time I leave the strip club, I have stains on my pants. But it's from the buffalo wings. And other guys, come. Make some noise. This crowd sucks. Guys, to bring this to a close,

To bring this to a close, we have one roaster, and I think you know who it is. He, um, he, uh, he looks like a jazz dancer who invented, uh, jizz hands. Uh, he is literally celebrating, and this is true, his 19th year doing stand-up comedy. I am talking about the one and only tone Hinchcliffe. He's going to show us how it's fucking done tonight with the jokes that he sent me. He's going to He's gonna close it out. Everybody on your fucking feet for the king. Timmy, you made a big mistake

giving this hungry wolf the mic. Let me show you how it's done. Red band's club has high ceilings. Red band, you're not supposed to give your ceilings weed. Again, I... All right, okey dokey. Okay, I'm going to try out one of the roasts from the Kevin... Again.

Yo, shut the fuck up! Let the king work. Shut the fuck up. This is all written by Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen. So play along, everybody. Okay, I'm going to try out one of the roasts from the Kevin Hart thing. Here it goes. Kevin works out. Too bad his movies aren't also having enough success

so that people consider them to also be working out in the same sense as his exercise. Guys, give him another chance. He knows he's going to get it back, guys. Give him another chance. Okay. Timmy, no breaks is here. Love that guy. Bring bring. Hello. Mr. President. What? There's a food shortage because red band ate all the food so there isn't any left. All right now we're gonna do a 30 minute Q&A who has a question? Timmy no breaks everybody. He produces his own segments and writes everything.

Guys, I have nothing else to say. That was really bad. I thought it was gonna be a lot better. You're the fucking best. I have so much fun. with you, stay gay LA. Fuck yeah. Timmy, no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. And what a way to end tonight's episode. How about a hand for the guy with a mop that's looking around with a flat flight running around. He's the hero of the night.

Did you guys have fucking fun tonight, huh? It's a long episode. How about one more time for Teddy Swims, Jelly Roll, Dedrick Flynn, Ron White, fucking Tony Hinchcliff, ladies and gentlemen. Believe it or not, this is Adam Ray, everybody. Dr. Phil. Everything in between the great Adam Ray, Kill Tony, Hall of Famer. Fiona Cawley, Tony Scar, Joderos, Christina Mariani, Ari Maddie,

David Lucas, Martin Phillips. So many greats tonight. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful guests of the year? 2025 Harlan Williams ladies and gentlemen. Woohoo! May 26, stream it. You're gonna love it, wing man. Thank you, Tony.

And how about one more time for one of our fucking favorites, Frontrunner, 2026 guests in the year, one of the best of all time. Gabriel and Gleisius, ladies and gentlemen. In case you guys are wondering where I was, I walked the blind guy all the way to his car. Let's check out the art from our artist. That's local artist Ryan Jee Belt drawing all the way

from the beginning of the show. and the great Chris Rogers from Austin, Texas. We did it again, Red Band. It's great being back in L.A. I missed you guys. Fucking love you. Thank you so much. We love you.

We missed you. Come see us again. Madison Square Garden, August 7 and 8. Tickets going on sale for that soon. Dallas, Houston.