KILL TONY - #781 - JEFF ARCURI

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

Jeff Arcuri, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Monica Colt, Steve Glass, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 08/03/2026 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Watch Kill Tony ad free and get tons of exclusive perks. Get Kill Tony + for $5/month now at https://killtony.supercast.com/  Money is on the line. Always say hello with QUO. Try it for free & get 20% off your first 6 months at https://Quo.com/KILLTONY  Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/killtony Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Trustpilot rating as of 6/1/2025.  Upgrade your snack game with real American beef and get 20% off your first order of Meriwether Farms Natural Beef Sticks at https://meriwetherfarms.com using promo code KILLTONY.  Buy 2-Months & get a 3rd FREE month of BlueChew Gold, plus 10% OFF & free overnight shipping with code TONY at https://BluewChew.com Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode

to kill Donnie get it right, Donnie! It's great! ...and all the land, ladies and gentlemen. Bernito Castillo, Raulogalejo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Lechis, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgronde,

Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, the great John D's on the Keys, and that, believe it or not, is the one and only, live in the flesh, D. Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, my God. How exciting is this?

What an episode we have for you here this evening. We're going to have an absolute fucking blast. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You know that moment where you text your whole team? Did anyone follow up with that guy? Silence. Tumbleweeds. A pig snort.

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You know, I'm going something special tonight. Very rarely for a first-time guest, do we go solo one guest? I like to break them in and, you know, have them on, get the feel the rhythm beforehand, before ever having them on as a solo guest. But tonight's special, because this guy's fucking hilarious.

He's taking over. He has a brand new Netflix special that's absolutely crushing it. He's crushing it online, crushing it in life. And I know for a fact that he knows the show. So, ladies and gentlemen, it is a pleasure from me to introduce his first ever time on panel,

one of the top rising comedians in the world. In fact, he has risen. His Netflix special, Nice to Meet You, is killing on Netflix right now. Make some noise for the Kill Tony panel debut of the great Jeff R. Curry, everybody. It's here. We're going to have some fucking fun to night.

Jeff Mark Curry Welcome, welcome. Thank you, dude. I'm excited, man. What's up, Austin? Look at these beautiful people out here. These real Texans. You got this guy who definitely makes bombs in a shed somewhere.

Got a guy with an Indianapolis Colts visor on for some reason. Nice. Very weird choice. Never really understood the visor. Just a little something to keep the sun out of your eyes, right? But the top of your head free? Hell yeah, just in case. Just in case a man that has a specific way to use the sun.

You know what I mean? Still wants that heat on top of the head, but can't have it in your eyes and you don't wear sunglasses, do you? You do. Wow, you hate the sun. My God, well, welcome, everybody, and welcome, Jeff. Thank you.

Fun to have you. You told me earlier that you were watching episodes a long time ago. You know the show. So I'm so excited to have you here. Nice to meet you as out. Now on Netflix, we're going to have some fun tonight. You know how the show works, but let me tell you, this is it.

This is the real deal right here. Over 200 names have signed up tonight in this magical bucket. You know what I'm going to do? Just because I feel bad for making fun of them during the first commercial break, I'm going to have our dear friends, Stage 4, pick the first name. And like that, it has begun. That hand, that cancer-riddled hand has set the entire show in motion. of what's to come.

He could have picked any name, but the name that he picked has been pulled, and they are wrangling that person. When they get on this stage, they're going to get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which for 13 years has rudely interrupted their sets in which, after that, I conduct an interview. We have some fun. We talk about them. We figure out what we can find out about them and everything else in the world.

It goes from a stand-up show to a interview show, to a fucking podcast, they say. It's all chaos. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? But we go wrangle that first fucking pool. I am excited about this. We have a golden ticket winner,

cashing in for his very first time. The last time he was on, he fucking crushed firefighter from Louisiana. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, for the first return of Aaron Helts, everybody. I like to get my haircut, the wonder cuts. And if you don't know what a wonder cuts is, it's like a super cuts, but all the women do heroin.

And that's a lot of fun. They're falling asleep with scissors next few years. Just admitting the crimes that you've never even heard of. Just, I stabbed my boyfriend 18 times. And then I snail trailed his car. You're like snail trailed his car. That's when he shit on the windshield, you wait your pussy down.

And you're like, oh, lady, I don't think you're getting your kids back. Not with this haircut. They call it the wonder cuts because you wonder what the fuck is going on in there. You wonder how a business can operate with six women falling asleep in their own haircut and chairs. Just scalping, motherfucker. Just meow. I'm sorry, did I get you? I'm sorry, man.

You wonder who's going to fix this fucking haircut? because I had a lady one time she was trying to give me a fade, but she was already pre-fated. So it was just a stark line, just up, and eventually she looked at me and she was like, I just got out of jail. So I was like, yeah, I was just wondering that. All right, that's my time.

My name's- Hell yeah. Aaron, welcome back, my friend. First of all, I think your hair looks wonderful. Thank you. Is Wondercuts a little? local Louisiana. I don't know if it's local. I don't think I've ever heard of Wondercuts before.

You guys hear of Wondercuts? No. Dee, where do you go for your haircuts? Perfect. I've never even heard of this place, but it sounds hilarious. It's beautiful. It's a real place, though? Yeah.

In the town that I live in, Dunn Springs. I live in the suburb right outside of Baden Rouge. What's the name of it? Denham Springs. Dim Springs? Denham Springs. Jesus Christ. Where are you there?

I live there and damn, damn spring. Why don't we're there about them ribbles, them damn spring? I can't believe that's a real place. Is that just what you call it? No. It's Denham. How do you spell that?

D-E-N-H-A-M. Wow. Springs. Okay, so we have, believe it or not, on this show, we do a fun thing where we look up the Yelp reviews of places every once in a while. And you best believe when you did your entire minute on a place called Wondercuts, I whispered in Red Band's ear.

Give me that Yelp review. There's only two reviews. One is a five-star review, and you'll never believe what the other one is. That's right. It's a one-star review. And those are the ones that we love. But you know what?

I'll read the five-star, just because I can't believe that it's from somebody in San Francisco, California. Someone flew in the dance. Spring. World renowned. Just to get a fucking haircut. On Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022, my experience with Wondercuts and Pam, in quotations, misused

properly, was the best haircut I've ever experienced. I was greeted as I walked in the door and didn't have to wait for more than 10 minutes for a haircut. Pam took some extra time dealing with two cowlicks. I don't know if that's how that's spelled. This guy got a hand job, dude. Generally a haircut for me lasts less than about seven minutes, but she took extra time in trying to get it right.

Sounds like she may have fallen asleep. Yeah. I highly recommend wonder cuts and dim springs by Bass Pro Shops, it says. It's right next to a Bath Pro. Of course it is. That sounds like something we would have made up. Yeah, yeah. That sounds like a joke.

I bet it's my best prose shop, and then you would have laughed, but that would have been true. But here we go. Here's the one-star review, ladies and gentlemen, from L.L. who lives in Dem Springs. After calling to check availability in closing time, we arrived 30 minutes prior to closing.

We were refused service. I explained that our total driving time was two hours. Why would you drive that far? Look, there's a fantastic Sam's. There's a sports clips. All the girls that get clean from the Wondercuts, they bump them up to like a sports clips. Oh, my God.

But they'll be back. Why would you drive two hours? I explained that our driving time was two hours and requested that they cut my son's hair. They refused and said there were people ahead of us, and they closed at six. We will not return. They lost a good client who tips well.

Wow. Can you imagine that tip? Guarantee $10. I mean, no doubt about it. That in Dim Springs is a hell of a tip. If those women could read that review, they'd be pretty good. Yeah.

And I mean, imagine driving two hours to go to a 3.0 wonder cuts in Dim Springs. That means that, I mean, with, they called, they called, I mean, that's just crazy. Is there another wonder cuts? There's one in Baton Rouge? Let's check this one out.

2.5 stars. It's very exciting. This is unbelievable. We love a good local company. Oh, boy, we hit the lottery. Horrible service. Never even got the service we wanted because they just washed it.

My grandma broke her hip and just wanted to wash and dry. And when we walked in, no one greeted us or asked what we wanted. One of the ladies seemed like we were in convincing her. Overall, would have

not recommend this location. One of the ladies even out loud mentioned how these kids don't tip her. And in my opinion as a service worker complaining about not getting a tip in front of other customers is extremely tacky. Overall, I would never suggest this place. That's one star. Norma drove from Baton Rouge. How far is Baton Rouge from Dames Spring? 15 minutes. 15 minutes. One star, Beth B. League City, Texas. Absolutely horrible. When I sat in the chair, the lady asked me what I wanted. When I shower her a picture, she roller her eyes at me. I

told her, never mind, and walked out, never again. Horrible service, all capital letters. All right. Showed up one hour before closed. There was no one waiting in the waiting room, but both stylists were already working on some work, and they told us they would not have time to cut our hair. Don't advertise you're open until six if you're

not going to do that. That's a thing that they do there, for sure. They tell people, we're 30 minutes before they close. All right, last one. When did barbers start... When did barbers start asking the customer what tools they should use to cut hair? Imagine getting a haircut, and they're like,

yo, what the fuck is this? That sucks. As the carpenter, if asked to cut a board, the carpenter would know what tools he needs to accomplish the job. I didn't go to barber school. I wouldn't know what size blade, scissors, combs, or any other tools needed to do the job. If I did, I would probably cut my own hair.

A regular man's haircut used to be a simple request. Now I have to coach the barber. I couldn't possibly, in a lifetime, acquire the education necessary to tell everyone else how to do their job. Is this the New America? everybody depending upon someone else to be responsible must be the new democracy we're suffering from oh I love how this falls on Trump by the way I don't know how the wonder cuts in fucking Baton Rouge

is because of Trump this is the new America P.S there's a P.S. There's a P.S. on this review. These are the people that blame everything on Trump, by the way. There's a P.S. Do you know the difference between a bad haircut and a good one? About two weeks. Does that even mean? They had to like wait two weeks for it to grow out, I'm guessing.

Is there any more? I mean, I'm addicted to these. I just can't get enough. And I know I can fucking, I'm sure everyone right now, why is Tony Jr.? I like the show when it was about helping stand-ups. I can't get enough. And I just read the first line of this next one and buckle up.

First of all, the guy's name is COU. Good luck pronouncing that. Coot. This has got to be the worst and most painful haircut I've ever gotten. My neck has bloody scrape marks from the trimmer, and my scalp feels like a garden rake was dragged across it 20 times. The haircut was pissed off because she thought it was freezing in there. But in fact, it was hot as heck.

She took it out on my head. If you're getting a haircut and you're getting like scrated on your face and you don't say anything? You're a bitch, dude. If you're just like, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. That's crazy. She took it out on my head is one of the craziest lines I've ever heard of. I can't believe it's an actual review.

I will make sure I wait until my normal barber is open. In the end, I didn't get what I wanted and originally requested to shape the little bit I had, but she zoomed it all off to a nice coconut shape. and then he took a picture of himself giving a thumbs down and posted the picture. You can't even make it up. Spin that around for Miggs camera over there.

I mean, look at that hand. These are Louisiana inbred hands. No offense, my friend. I don't think you're inbred. We are 50th in education, so. My God, Aaron, I'm so glad you brought wonder cuts to our attention. That's what I was put on earth to do. But you know what's really crazy?

Is that any time we do this, Anytime we do these heel reviews, these places become like tourist attractions. So they're going to wonder why people are coming by, taking pictures. They're going to be so suspicious if they're ever awake. One of the ladies are going to be mad. She's like, I told that dude the thing about my boyfriend in confidence.

Oh, yeah. These reviews are unbelievable. That was all of them, right? I mean, there's no way we could get one more one star. No, that's it. Yeah, that's crazy. All the other ones that I'm ignoring are all. They told us they were open and they were close, by the way.

They're just not as exciting as people bleeding profusely. There was a dude that got the hookalounge guy. Remember that? Oh, yeah. There's a hookalounge guy. I did a show with him like a month later. And I was like, you have a hookah lounge. And so I was like, I tell you what, man, I got a big show at this theater show.

I'm going to get everyone to go to your hookal lounge afterwards. He's like, that would mean everything. So I did the show, invited everyone over there. Fucking no one came. It was shit. It was just me and him eating sushi. We love that guy. You were just there, right?

Just in San Diego. Hung out with him three nights in a row. Just got trash till four in the morning. His place is amazing, by the way. It is great. It is great. I will say that. What's it called again?

It's got a funny name. It's like Boots. Pushkin. Pushkin. Pushkin. Pushkin. Pushkin. In San Diego, go check it out.

It's a hookah lounge where everybody complains that the hookah goes out. Aaron, thank you so much. much. Congratulations on your first cash in. You made a long drive to be here tonight. We're going to keep it moving. Eric Helps has started the show. And now to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. This is where shit gets wild. As you know,

these people could be the absolute future of the art form. They could be after this bucket pool. They could be a year or two away from SNL. Or they could be, you know, in a mental hospital next week or last week or any time in the near future.

It goes both ways. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. It's Mike St. Hilaire, everybody. Here we go. How's it going? My name's Mike St. Hilaire. I'm at that age where a lot of my friends are having really successful kids. My one buddy's got two sons playing NCAA football. My other

buddy's got two daughters on the USA volleyball team. And my kids? They're just trying to figure out who their father is. Might be tough to do, too. I travel a lot, usually under various passports, different aliases. I'm not exactly trying to get tracked down, you know? Matter of fact, that's my favorite thing about the 23 and me test. It's still very expensive in the third world, and that's pretty much where I spent my 20s.

I do like the third world. It's my favorite world in the whole fucking world, because when I'm in the third world, I'm rich. I'm not even talking about being wealthy either. When I'm in the third world, I just go around as this white guy named Rich. That way, if Rich happens to get lucky and he has a third world accidental baby, that's really Rich's problem and not mine.

You guys have any idea how much it costs to raise a child in the third world? Because according to the commercials, it's less than a cup of coffee a day. Even still, I don't want to be that rich. I think that's my time. Thank you very much. Mike St. Hilaire. This is your first time on the show, right, Mike? Yes, yes it is.

I would remember a Mike Saint-Hallaire. That's an interesting name. What is that? It's French. It's my real name. St. Hilaire was actually the, unofficially the patron state of slow children. Wow. Look at you.

Yeah. There's a saint for that? He was the unofficial one, the unofficial one. He's got to be the most disappointed saint of him all, right? Just like, oh, this is what I get. This guy in New York always calls me the patron saint of molestation. And he announces me when I do shows in New York. I always thought if he, if,

since I earlier was both the patron saint of molestation and of slow children, he'd be the all-time priest's favorite. Wait, what the fuck just happened? I'm not sure. Can I follow that one? What have you done? I have. Mike.

Nothing allegedly. How long you been doing stand-up? 12 years. 12 years. Where at? Kind of all over. New York, but all over the world. I work in reality TV.

What do you do exactly for reality TV? I produce on a cop show right now. What's the cop show? Live PD? Yeah, you said it. I didn't. Okay. That's awesome.

Yeah. You know sticks? I don't know him, no, because I'm out on location. So I ride around the back of a cop car all day doing everything my parents told me I'd be doing. Wow. Isn't that interesting? I've always found that show intriguing because it's called live PD. And I know how things work.

So I know it's not live. But it's funny because people that don't know how things work would think that it is live. So they think that they're like watching what's actually happening being live. But it's not live. But they don't need to know that. Right. Exactly. I didn't know that.

I think it that way. I'm just watching cops play improv. What the fuck? That's disgusting. So, I mean, is it crazy to ask you? Like, what are some things that have happened while you've been in the back of a cop car? Well, you know what I got to do

is I've got to get releases from the people that they're arresting so that we can use their image legally on TV. So basically getting signatures from crackheads. Right. And that's tough. When they say no, you've got to blur it out if it's good. Right. You could just tell them that if they're don't sign it, they'll go to jail longer.

Just lie to him. Oh, wow. Or bring a little crack with you. Right. You know what I mean? You'd be a great producer. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, that's good. Do you have a little budget? Do you have a little, you ever, like, bribe them? Like, here's 20 bucks? Allegedly.

Of course. Yeah. No, I'm trying to keep my job, although I don't think announcing it to everybody here is a helpful way to do it. Pretty sure I'm in direct violation of my contract. No, you're fine. We'll change the subject. Last thing we want is fucking the PD coming in here, getting you.

So Mike, tell us, you do have kids, you said? No. No. All right. How do you think you've gone this long without having kids? That is the best question I've heard all night. Geez, just dumb luck, I guess. I don't know, yeah.

I don't know. I didn't really want kids either, so there's that. Perfect. It's intended. Perfect. What do you do for fun? You have any special hobbies or anything? Special skills or talent?

Gamble. I like to gamble. Yeah? Gambling's my favorite thing. What do you gamble on? The biggest gamble ever one happened in Nairobi, Kenya in 2000. Whoa. Yeah, I went to a casino.

I lost $2,000 playing roulette, walked out of the casino with two East African women. I don't know if you'd know what the aid situation was around the turn of the century. in East Africa. The fact that I'm alive today, it means I won that gamble. Wow. Ew.

That's wild. That sentence was tough to get through for me, man. Tougher for me. You were a struggle there. I felt you going, I shouldn't have done this. I should have done this. You noticed.

Do you love doing stand-up? You love this? I love stand-up. It's my favorite. 12 years I've been doing it off and on. I had to take a little break. but yeah, this is, yeah, I would much rather do this than anything. I would say, I think you tried to cram a minute 30 into a minute.

I think you were a little fast. I feel like you know that, though, a little bit. I was a little nervous up here. Dude, I am too. I don't even have to do anything. Yeah, man, it's fine. You're going to be nervous. Just slow yourself down.

You have to force yourself to kind of breathe into the nose out of the mouth, slow yourself down a little bit in the beginning. It'll come off. The confidence will exude. When you took a break, why did you take a break? My ex-girlfriend didn't really like me doing comedy. So. Whoa.

Tell us about that. How long were you with her? We were together for like, yeah, six years. I moved back to Maine. I moved from New York back to Maine with her. She got you out of New York. You were there living your dreams, doing stand-up. How long had you been doing it until you took this break?

Four years? I started in 2014. And then I moved in with her in 2019 up in Maine. And we lasted to the COVID thing. And then I was like, you know what? I want to go tell jokes. This guy wanted you to die. Fucking made it out.

I can't believe. Did you give her AIDS? Good question. Good question. It's a good question. So very interesting. Why did you move to Maine for a girl? Well, I was doing a reality show.

I grew up in Maine. And she happened to live in the town next to the town that I was doing a reality show. Dim Springs? No, it was. Very interesting. Mike, if you could give us one crazy thing that's happened to you in your entire life that you think makes your life different

than everybody else's, what would that thing be? You ever have a near-death experience or save somebody's life or see anything crazy or, like, supposed to be in a building in 9-11 or something or, like, anything like that? Anything just wild. Spent a lot of time in jail. Okay, let's go.

Again, that was for work, though. I spent time in 28 different jails and 25 of those were for work. Wow. Scared straight? Lock up. Wow. So, but I mean, talk about an experience.

I mean, it was crazy. I mean, it was, no one ever fucked with me too bad. I mean, I didn't have to give my shoes to anybody, but, yeah, it was cool. It was crazy interpersonal communication with people, you know. What was the craziest thing you saw in all your time in jail? I saw this lady. I mean, it's not funny. This lady just wrecked this chick with this other chick and,

and a Maricopa County just slammed her head in a cell. It was pretty gnarly. Yeah, I don't know. Sorry, that's not funny. It's okay. It's okay, Mike. All right, here's a medium-sized joke book. Thanks for signing up.

Thank you. And it has begun. Our first fucking poll of the night, Mike St. Hilari. Out there working the reality show business. All right. Oh, my God. There she is. Live in the flesh.

The opposite of this. This guy, the beautiful Heidi. Isn't she something? Isn't she something? You know, it's funny how your priorities change. When you're younger, you're worried about making rent or surviving a bad set. Then one day you realize if something actually happened to you, the people you care about would be the ones dealing with the mess.

It's not the most exciting conversation, but it's an important one to have. That's why I like what ethos is doing. Protect your family with life insurance from ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as $10. minutes at ethos.com slash killtony. You know, you can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and it's all 100% online. There's no medical exam. You just answer a few health questions online. Speaking of health questions, here's Brian Redband. Some people can even get same-day coverage, and some policy stars low as $30 on month. Ethos can also help you find the lowest rate from

its network of trusted carriers. Wow. Take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com. slash kill Tony. That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash kill-tony. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Dave Litts. Waka, Waka, Waka, Nanu, Nanu. How's everybody doing tonight? So, she's alive. She survived. For 10 years, most people want their mother-in-law to die. But not me. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer for 10 years. I'm so excited. Yeah, absolutely. So she traded in stage four pancreatic cancer for type three diabetes and was the second person to have robot laser surgery

have her pancreas cut out, and I'm the first person to make a joke about it. My mother-in-law cannot go into remission because she doesn't have an organ anymore, but she can get repossessed. That's right. They put a contract. out where she has to be a content creator to promote the pump that keeps her alive. So every morning she has to do a thing to show how great she is staying

alive so that she can keep getting the medicine to keep her alive. So if you could, please like, subscribe, and share to keep my mom alive. Thank you guys. What the fuck? Oh my God.

Wow. If he came out with an accent, I'd be like, what happened to Ari Maddie? Yeah. What happened to him? It is wild, right? I mean, there's a lot going on here. He does.

He looks like if Ari Maddie joined the jackass crew and got his hair cut at Wondercuts in Dim Spring. This is incredible. That's the five-star review. Okay, Dave Litts. How long at you? First of all, you said that your mother-in-law has the first person to have stage four pancreatic cancer

and have laser surgery to have her pancreas removed and that you're going to be the first person to make a joke about it. What's the joke? I did it last time, Tony, but you didn't review my material. So I actually said she has now triabetes, which is you didn't go for it, man. It's fun.

Last time I was on, you called me a gay Nazi and threatened to bite the gym out of my face. So we're already doing better. I look like Ari Maddie. He's one of the regulars, so... Wow. All right. This is incredible.

Dave, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like I said last time, Tony. I've been doing it for... Again, you don't have to reference last time. I don't remember it. Nobody remembers it. We do this every week. You just got to answer the questions.

So how long you've been doing stand-up? 30 years. There's no fucking way. There's no way. I did it in high school. Absolutely. I actually got kicked out of high school. And then I perform mostly in hospitals, nursing homes, and churches.

So, yeah. I perform constantly. You turn hospitals into hospices. Actually, I've done hospice care for many, many years, and that's why I started doing stand-up. In hospices. No, doing bedside comp. God, Tony.

Yeah, Tony. So frustrated. Man, so frustrating. It's incredible. No, I appreciate the questions, man. It's great. I mean, you have to. You have to appreciate.

She had a day. Are you mad at us? Never. No. I'm so happy to be here. I feel like you're mad at me. It's been a rough week, man. Tell us about the week.

Well, my friend, Michael had got his episode aired last week, and he didn't get to see it. He actually died last Sunday. What happened to him? He did a cocaine that had fit in the morning. A guy that was on this show. Last week. With Ye, yeah. That one that aired last week.

Right. Was he always doing cocaine and fentanyl? I think he was celebrating getting up on the show, man. Dude, that's so fucked up for you to say that. Oh, dude, all week. Oh, my God. I've been over probably 15 mics this week. And every mic that I start out, I give homage to Mike Head.

He's an amazing comic. He was super funny. He did it a great job, did a way better interview than I'll ever do. and yeah. Well, we know that. I miss him every day. Did you happen to perform at his bedside that night?

No, but I am planning on performing at his funeral. Are you really? Yes, sir. I mean, don't you think those people have been through enough? No. I want to give it to him more, Tony. This is incredible.

This is incredible. No, you're incredible. I love Tony. Tony's amazing. He's such a good guy. What are you going to give me? a big joke book? What's going on here, dude? Actually, you gave a big

joke book to a blind girl and then said that you only did it so that she could feel it, thus giving no value to big joke book. So I like my small joke book. It's amazing. I don't even understand. I'm going to kill this fly.

The ghost of Michael Good is here. It's trying to distract me from the chaos of Dave Litts. Dave, what's something interesting about your life before I get you out of here. I just made it to number nine in the world on a one-wheel hoverboard. I'm ranked number nine on XR. What does that mean?

We don't know what a one-world hoverboard is. One-wheels? The one-wheels? How do you rank? My miles. I just broke 19,857 miles. Whoa. Yeah.

Here in Austin, I ride around the lake most the time. And then who's tracking this? The app? It's on the app. Okay. That's good. Fuck yeah, dude. You're hoverboarding like crazy.

We're going to get this fly with this electric tennis racket. Michael Gonzalez likes to leave the back door open while he brings all of his drums in slowly one by one. One of the least hardworking Mexican people you'll ever meet in your entire life. Literally. It's actually true. We've been watching. I watch the security footage. I know you leave that back door open.

You have to close the back door behind you from now on. It's worth mentioning on the biggest live podcast in the world. Dave, what do you think is the worst thing about you? Because everybody seems to not like you. I think the worst thing about me is that my son died 10 years ago. Give it to me, Reddardt. Literally. How did your son die?

He died in my arms while I was taking care of him. Oh, my God. Well, that's where he died. How did he die? He had cerebral palsy, epilepsy, epilepsy, epilepsy. and macro degeneration of the cornea. Now, normally a cornea injury and cerebral palsy isn't enough to kill somebody.

What was the complication that he went through? They don't know. They don't know? Were you running your material by him when he was in your arms? This is one of the craziest interviews ever. This is one of the most morbid. My job is not easy, people. It's not easy.

You could not do any better. I promise you that. None of you could. I was taking care of them 12 and a half hours a day, seven days a week. That was my job. Well, I mean, if you were doing that, then who was doing all the hoverboarding? I got my hoverboard after COVID. Okay.

So I hadn't started yet. I had seen a hoverboard. They had just come out when Mac was alive, but... Was that your only child? Yes, sir. Okay. Well, that is an interesting thing. Did you perform at his funeral?

I did. What did you say that? There. Did you do any jokes? Yeah, I did jokes about taking them to the skate park. So I used to, McCormick lived in a wheelchair. And so I built him a wheelchair that was remote control. I'd do 60 miles an hour. Hold on a second.

Hold on a second. I have to stop you here. I have to stop you here. First of all, why in the world was this wheelchair not a hoverboard? Because they weren't out yet, Tony. Okay, no, I get it. What made you turn it up to 60 miles per hour? So that we could drive on the highway.

What? So we would sit in the back of the truck and run interference, and then my ex-fiance had a, like, over-the-road trucking company, so we could literally shut down the road. So I would be in the back of the truck steering, and McCormick would be falling behind us, just laughing. Just laughing. laughing. How old was he during this?

Of nine. Hold on. Let me get this right. Because this is unbelievable. I know. That's why we're talking about it on the number one podcast in the world. Hold on. Shut up, dude. Just shut up. Only respond when I ask a question. Just hold on a second here. Because I need to make sure that we're all on the same page. I need to make sure that I understand what you're saying. So you're telling me, shut the fuck up.

So you're telling me that you would shut down the freeway. No. Ride behind a truck that had an oversized load. That was it, man. Got it, got it, got it. That's what I meant. You were in a normal car. Normal truck.

Normal, like a pickup truck. You're in the back of the truck. Yes. Okay. What part of America were you doing this in? Colorado. Okay. What could go wrong?

There's no mountains or hills there for a wheelchair to fall off? of. Anyway. Okay. So you're in Colorado. You're behind an oversized load. The kid in the wheelchair is behind you. Right?

Yeah. And you have him going 60 miles an hour. Well, not at first. You have to speed up. Right. Of course. But the max speed was 60. You'd get him up to 60 miles an hour in a wheelchair.

Yes. While he's laughing at age 9. Yes. And you don't know how he died? For accident. No, we know. Why would you? You do that to your job.

Stop. I mean, what's the medical bills, like, adding up you're trying to get out quicker or something like, what? So you could just be like, what the heck? What the heck? I work for Ability 360, and I work really hard to make sure that all disabled people are able to do whatever they want to do. I do the exact same thing with my golden tickets. I don't know if you've seen it. Oh, we've noticed.

Trust me. I know. All right, Dave. Thank you very much. You already have a little joke book. So there you go. There he goes. Dave Litz, everybody.

Wow. Like I said, you never know what's going to happen here on Kiltony. I mean, wow, that guy. You can't make that up. Yeah. You dig way further than I ever would dig. And I mean, and we almost never found out that he rigged his triple handicapped nine-year-old child up to a 60-mile-an-hour wheelchair. Why?

Well, of course. So that he could go on the freeway. Duh. Why else would you rig a wheelchair up to 60 miles an hour? He did what every decent parent would do. Okay. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Clearly anything can happen.

Make some noise for Brian Cook. One minute, uninterrupted for Brian Cook. Thank you very much. This year in 2026, I found this incredibly effective cure for depression. It's called money. I highly recommend it. It's changed my life. If you get the chance and you can get you hold of some, it's a complete game changer.

I'm not kidding you. Now, I once had a neighbor who was a prison guard back when I went to college in Huntsville, and they have a joke amongst the guards that I really enjoy. And I'd like to share with you that if you are an inmate in Texas, and hopefully it doesn't come to that, there's three types of inmates, three groups. You got the ones that need to be in the funny farm and not in prison. You got the ones that need to be in rehab and not in prison.

And then you got the ones that you need to take them out back and shoot them because they ain't never going to change. And if you want the proof of that, you will see it tonight when you exit the building and go out on the 6th Street because that's the hell in which we live here in Austin. Oh, yeah, tell me about it. I recently moved. I got that going for me.

I didn't like the old complex. Can you believe that I did not like listening? listening to MC Hammer at one in the fucking morning when I'm trying to sleep. I know it's unreal. But I could tell that that was the music they listened to before they got locked up and went to prison. So I guess we got to let them have that one.

Hey, thank you. Okay, Brian Cook. Let's get right into it here. When you say they. Yeah. Just yes. Just yeah. I think that's the best answer.

I mean, really? There were people listening to MC Hammer nowadays. that loud at 1 a.m.? They're frozen in time, you know, and that's coming from me, who's also frozen in time, and they're further deep in the iceberg. It's not cool.

Wow. Did you ever tell them to stop? No, I went to different direction. Should have. Wow. Wow. Amazing, Brian. So, what did they get in trouble for,

where they had to go to prison? No, management is cool with that. They have no problem. And there was one day that, like, the base was bumping at 11 a.m. And I walked to the office. Like, we can hear this standing inside here. It's a, no, no, it's no problem. It's okay.

I guess we got to go to plan B. Well, 11 a.m. Yep. I mean. Yeah, but she'd be able to hear it 400 yards away? And you're awake with the cocaine and everything. You should have you, you know, it's good for the goose. It's good for the gander.

Brian, remind us. How long have you been doing stand-up? June was four full years. Four years. Yes. And where are you originally? from? I grew up in Houston, but I've lived here since I graduated college. Love it. What do you do for work? Well, that's my, when I have the update for you, Tony Hinchcliffe. Well, I'm excited about this.

It was October last year. You looked me in the eye and said, I was being too picky about my job search. Well, I'm glad to report back that being picky paid off because I found my favorite job ever. I'm an IRS certified tax preparer, and who would have figured I would have fallen in love with the tax code. No, no, no, no, no. So let me give you the good news, people. If anyone's going to let me talk and explain. Listen to the musicians overpowering the room. Now, next door is a building full. I've met musicians before, but they do not like the IRS at all.

I know. But I can explain this in like three sentences. That was wild to build it up like that. So much. Like, I actually found my dream job. Pedophile, guys. There's a building full of comedians next door waiting to get on this show. And I helped them do, six of them do their,

taxes last year. We got a bunch lined up for this year. I'm helping them clear up that dumpster fire of a personal. I don't want them doing better either. The IRS. I'm just trying to help. You must be saving them dozens. I can't imagine that the

six people that you're helping have a lot of income. It's more the crazy stuff in their past in clearing that up. That's the change. Yeah. It's unfucking that nonsense. There's probably a better way to say that. Yeah. So you're making money doing that?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Enjoying. And it's just actually enjoying. Enjoying. Enjoying going to work. Wow. You like it. Yeah. What time do you start work? Nine. 9 a.m. So why is the guy's music bothering you at 11 a.m.? Because it's not tax season and I'm at home. I'm furloughed. So I'm home to hear the MC Hammer all fucking day. Wow. What's really MC Hammer? Really? That's the, I'm hung up on that because it's, I don't know, Drake or something more modern, I guess I'd get.

but wow, they really reached back for that one. Oh, I see what's going on here. It's rap music, and you call that MC Hammer. Oh, my God. This is like finding out they rigged the wheelchair to 60 miles per hour. Holy shit. There's a lot of MC Hammers out here today. I had to cross the street the other day.

I had one of those MC Hammers walking right at me. Holy shit. Brian, how old are you? Oh, turn 49 next week. 49. You don't look at day over 72. That's incredible. Amazing. Wow, look at you. You are adorable. You are the French bulldog of human beings. I mean, it is just incredible. You look puggish. Has anyone told you that before?

Yeah. You have a sweet little round head to you. I think you're a sweet guy, man. I think you're a good heart and you do? Yeah. I have to try my best. Whether you believe it or not, I am. I will say, I think you say too much sometimes. And not in a way, like, being mean.

I just mean, like, even your drug structure. You know how it works. You know there's like a rule of three. You did three things. But a lot of it, like, you didn't need, like, oh, my friend worked at this prison. If you have never been to prison, all you say is you need three rules in prison. Just start the joke. Just go into it.

Can I keep it real with you? Yeah. I got number two and number three mixed up. That was an adjustment. That we were all thinking that, I think. Yeah. And that's why I brought that up. I was like, I don't think number.

Number two is supposed to be that soon. Yeah, that's exactly what happened, yes. You know what, man? Let's just have them do it again. Brian, what's your love life like? I want to know if there's fucking... On the advice of my therapist, we've now got the dumpster fire personal life's under control.

We're gainfully employed. We live in a good apartment. Like, now we're ready to date. Now I think I can do it effectively. We can be wholesome. Let's go off for ice cream. It doesn't... Hold on a second, dude.

Are you on Adderall? No, no. I'm just excited to be here. I love it. I love it. So are you seeing somebody? I got no answer out of that. No, I'm looking. Not well, but I am.

What's the first thing you look for in a lady? Like, what do you notice right away? Really? Don't think. Answer. One, two, three. Honestly, another comedian. Because they'd be sympathetic to the lifestyle and the craziness.

Come on. Let's go physical. What's a physical feature you notice about? What do you look for? Kind of dark hair? MC Hammerish, a little bit. No, not that. Brunette. There we go.

Wow. Brian, when's the last time you were with a woman? 20, 24. Okay. I thought you were going to say 20 years ago. No, no, no. We had rehab and therapy in between. And that's what happened with rehab?

What did you go to rehab? I blame you that, you know, I got that kill Tony Bounce from the big joke. Is everybody doing fentanyl after getting pulled out of a pocket now? Is this what I'm fighting out here tonight? What the fuck is going on, people? No, it was just coming off. the street being a nobody and then you get, oh, you did so great, it got out of control

is your temple always this fast? Oh yeah, a thousand miles an hour. Okay, hold on. Let's let them answer the question, Red Band. So, what did you go to rehab for? In order, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, Adderall,

LSD, and something. There was more. There was more. Why do people that do cocaine and meth mention marijuana and alcohol? Like, that's not on. the thing. I love that they all do that. The way I did it. The way I did it, because it's like you go and you got to do

your errands during the day and you come back to the rehab clearing and they drug test you and you get back. And I'm trying to get better so we're doing the drug test. It took eight weeks for me to piss clean for weed. And that's from all the dabs and the gummies and all the bullshit. Like yeah, it builds up in your system. Right. Oh yeah. Well, yeah. When you're up

24 hours a day because of the meth, there's a lot of time to do marijuana things. Tons. Freeze it up. So let's mostly talk about the meth here. What the fuck was that? Dees, was that you? Oh, okay. Sometimes Dees accidentally hits a sound effect.

What was that, Deez? Oh, Nag, no. Okay, all right, it made sense. I don't think they heard that. We just heard it, like it was some guy right over here. That made sense. So, take us through a wild day or night or a paranoid part of meth.

We've all seen Breaking Bad. that's as close as most of us have come to math. An easy way to put it is the first 72 hours are a lot of fun. Any time after that, it's like at five days, your body shuts down. So the days four and five are just a giant question. But give us an example. Like, what did you do? What's something you accomplished?

So one of the things I used to do is I would need to get some air, right? What does get some air mean? It means take the pre-dawn bus to Walmart, wait until 6 a.m. for the doors to open, and then walk around the store like a maniac, comparison shopping appliances, ooh, that's a good price on cookies, just being an idiot in public.

Not really anything dangerous, but that. That's not quite the exciting answer we were looking for. You never did anything kind of crazy on meth? You ever did a lot of taxes in one day or anything? No, that's part of, you know, coming back to regular life, is that's why we love the tax code. Oh, no, we don't love... We've got that other shit in the past.

Come on, guys. Yes, come on. You might have one of the most boring meth habits I've ever heard of in my life. I'm downplay. That's incredible. I mean, why would you downplay on a big fun podcast? Because I'm embarrassed about it. I'm not Nikki Six bragging about it in the old days.

Whoa, Nikki Six. Don't MC Hammer yourself right now. Don't go to the, don't dig to the 80s for your references, bro. All right, Brian. Here's a little joke book. We'll do better next time. There you goes. Brian Cook. Don't overdose because of this performance. Don't relapse.

Tonight's sponsor is Mary Weather Farms and Natural Beef Sticks. I love beef sticks. Of course you do Red Band. You look like your blood type is gas station teriaki. Go ahead, Red Band. Oh, these aren't gas station beef sticks. They're made with real American beef raised without antibiotics or added hormones. I wish I can say that. That's right. We are artificial. But this. This is real American bees, not some imported mystery tube made from retired circus animals on the floor of a bus station.

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Right. Good job, Redband. Maybe chewing will finally keep you quiet. That's Merweatherfarms.com and code kill Tony for 20% off your first order. No doubt about it. Again, Maryweather Farms.com and code Kill Tony for 20% off your first order. I'll tell you, we pulled a very special name out of this bucket. This is one of the hardest working Kill Tony backbone employees and fucking, I spend. five days a week with this young lady. She got her job here on Kiltoni, her full-time job with us. Out of the bucket.

She's great. We love her. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great. Sarah Sloane, everybody. Hey, guys. I recently discovered the most effective form of birth control. Isn't me? Okay, I got a true story for you guys.

This is crazy. In the fourth grade, I had this insane belief that my hair only looked good when it was completely soaking wet with water. So in between classes, I would sprint to the bathroom sink, and I would start cupping the water and putting it all over my head as quickly as possible. Everybody thought that I was a weirdo, and I had no friends at the time, but I will say this. The Mexican boys loved me. I always wondered why, but if I had to guess, it might have been because I had that wet back.

Finish on this, I want to finish on this. People always like to ask me, Sarah, why did you get into stand-up comedy? And the reality is this. I realized pretty quickly on that stand-up comedy was the only art form that I was capable of doing that would force men to look at me. Thank you. Thank you. Wow.

Sarah, motherfucking Sloan. I got to tell you, this is one of those moments where I get to talk about my favorite part of this show. And that is when people come back on and they're so much funnier than they were. the last time. And the last time they were funnier than they were before that. And before that, maybe it's because I know you, but I don't think it is. I was listening to the room.

And even on your setup of wetting your hair, I was cracking up because it feels so authentic. It feels like something you can't just write at a coffee shop. It feels like that's genuine to you. I feel like everybody has their own version of a weird question. like that, like thought that looked cool in grade school or whatever. So even during your setups, you were getting big laughs from me, and it's just incredible to watch you fucking crush up here tonight, probably the set of the night so far tonight.

Let's check in with the great Jeff Hart Curry. Great job. Oh, thank you, Jeff. So funny. It goes to show, because that, like, joke was so simple in the beginning. First thing I said to Tony, I was like, that's so simple, but you made it you by just making the punchline funny. It's just a word written out.

It's not that funny. going, it's a me. It's so adorable. And that joke was within five seconds. That's what you need to do here. And that's that you did that as such a great job. And it was personal so no one can take it from you. And it was real.

And then it was racist. Right at the end there. Yeah. But she did it silly. So it's okay. Get it, Tony. Get it. I had it.

Oh, I almost had it. Is it not charged? Oh, it's not on. Oh, shit. And now it's on. Wow. Oh, that thing's gonna fucking die next time it comes around.

Did you guys... I probably shouldn't hold it that close to the microphone. I love watching you guys do it. You're like... Well, that's because it's electric. Take it easy over there. One good set. He's ready to go do fentanyl tonight.

Jesus Christ. Rest in peace, Michael. God. We're making jokes. That's what he would all. I'm like secretly Michael had. I'm just like... Oh, it was him all along. Yeah.

When did you stop doing the hair thing? Do you remember? Like, why did you stop? No, it really was the cool girls in school in the bathroom and they were just all kind of like, it was literally like a TV show. They were just like, what are you doing? Right. And I was just like, this is

how my hair looks good, right? And they were like, oh my gosh. And I just kind of like sat there and realized, I am a freak. Yeah. in the worst way possible. So I just, I had to stop. I had to stop. Did you guys have any of those things that you did?

Oh, totally. Do you remember? Oh, I did it all. I mean, I had the, remember when, I mean, I don't know. How old are you? 38. Okay, I'm 42. So, when I was in grade school, yeah, by the way,

I'm seven years younger than Brian Cook, who was up here a second ago. So I'm basically the best looking man in the world. And no, I'm kidding. Anyway, there was a period of time where you would get the bowl cut, but you would bleach blonde the bowl cut and leave the brown roots down here. Basically, you could only go to wonder cuts for a job like that.

We're all just looking, trying to look like Justice and Taylor Thomas. JTT. Yes, it was. I wore a, I wore cologne. Oh, yeah. I add like so much cologne. Three days in a row. I'm like, this smells so good, I should just keep putting it on.

And then I had to get taken out of school. They called my mom. They're like, he can't wear cologne in school. I was distracting all the bitches. Yeah. It's so funny. I did that as like a grown-up. I remember I, this was like, I think I was like 23 or 24.

And it was my first ever writing job ever, like an actual like Comedy Central writing job. And they're like, guys, all the big agents and managers are coming in. And I'm like, oh, I'm about to get some. on the spot today. And I did that. I wore too much clone. It's a shame. I'm literally 10 years older

than you were in your story. And I did it in the main, main, main, main, main agent, who I can probably say is now my agent. And we laugh about it literally about 20 years later. But the main, main agent, who at the time, they're like, yeah, this is fucking Zach Elefinakus' agent.

This is the guy. I mean, the head of comedy at CIA walks into this big boardroom and goes, Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that smell? Oh, God, I know. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, crazy. We laugh about it now, but he didn't forget.

Let's put it that way. He's like, that was you? You were the writer that stunk? I thought Luke Perry was the coolest shit in the road. And like, all right, you win. And then, you know, the guy, That's the end of the story. So I had really big hair at the front, like a, what's it called?

Oh, we need pictures of that. Yeah, I had that and everyone called me Poof, and I thought that was a cool name, but you look back at it. You literally just had like hair up to here for no reason. So dumb. That's a slur in England. Yeah. Real Poof. Shout out that slur.

What the fuck? Yeah. Sarah Sloan, I mean, is there anything else we need to cover? You just fucking absolutely ripped it up here. It could not have gone any better. You have immersed yourself. A little fun fact about Sarah that's different, I can say, than any comedian in the world,

is that she makes my schedule for me. Sometimes I add things to my own schedule. But throughout the day, everything that's put in my phone on my schedule is done by the great Sarah Sloan. So, no, wait, no, that's not the point. Shut up. But what's funny is, I don't even know if you know this, but she also accidentally puts all of her things into my schedule as well. I don't know if I've ever told you this.

And so I literally know how hard you've been working. You're like, I don't look at my schedule and there's like everything that makes sense, 3 p.m. this, 4 p.m. that, 5 p.m. this, a little. rest area and then my normal like there's nothing normally at night because I have my own I know my nighttime schedule but what's funny is it'll be like 730 narbar

845 Sunset Strip Comedy Club 915 Creek in the Cape so I literally see you hustling and then you get to actually feel it in this appearance your hard work and your grind it's

so awesome it's my favorite thing in the world to see you kill in this part of life as well. And during the daytime, you're literally, as you know, one of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. So they get to sit back and be a fan is awesome. The flies, by the, you want to take a powerful swat? Probably a horse fly.

Oh, yeah. Because she doesn't joke. I didn't just call a woman a horse. She does a horse impression. Okay, so people didn't know that. You want to give us one horse, one horse for the road? To the next one, we go. Before we get to the bucket,

special treat for all of you. And we also have momentum right now, which is exciting. So we'll see how this goes. I had a golden ticket winner arrive earlier. I don't even actually think he is a golden ticket winner. I just think he's what we call a growing scumbag favorite of the show. You've seen him many times before. He's a special treat always. Talk about a person, much like Sarah, that we've seen grow in front of our very eyes. We'll see how this minute goes. This is one of the real freaks, everybody. You know him. It's the one and only Uncle Laser, everybody.

Hell yeah, give it up for that horse lady. That was real good. And listen, that older fella, he ain't never done meth. That's not how you do math. I went for a walk. That's not a thing. That's not a thing. Listen here, hey, I'm back in Austin, back in Texas.

I was in Canada, and boy, that's a third world country now, ain't it? I don't know what's going to get me first, like, Bear or the World. winter or Islam because God damn they're everywhere. What the fuck, dude? I went to Calgary. It's like rodeo season and they got like Indians

dressed up as cowboys. Like, not cowboys and Indians. That's not what I said, okay? Like, you ever seen a turban under a cowboy hat? It's fucking wild, oh me? Yeah, and the mass immigration. And then like, hey, I know it's Austin's a liberal city, you know. And like, did y'all get the vaccine?

Stupid. Fucking stupid. He lied about his stupid. He goes, I plead the fit to his cover of his tie. Hey, man, I don't know if COVID's real, okay? I don't know if COVID's real, okay? But during COVID, like, didn't we all just start eating ass? Oh, oh, we got work from home and we can't taste or smell?

Ma! Come on, motherfucker. Hey, anybody here eat ass? You eat ass, boy? You been eating ass since swan flu. Shut the fuck up. Look. I don't know if COVID's real, but let me tell you something.

Let me show you something. Look, when you get down there to eat some ass, right? This here's a butthole, all right? It's enlarged for scale, you know? And look, you get down there and it's going to be like sprinkles on cupcake, right? Those are toilet paper balls, okay? Charming ponies. Listen, I don't know if COVID's real.

And if you got a vaccine, you're a fucking retard. I tell you what? You put your fucking tongue on them toilet paper balls. Now you got strep throat. My name is Dr. Aletri. I've been great. Wow. Wow.

Wow. That boy ain't never done, man. Take a walk. What is that? I put fucking aluminum full on my windows and don't look outside for three days. Take a walk. That fucking line. Is the, is that worried your new get or done or something?

You found a little trademark out there? Sorry, dude. YouTube has limitations. We're going to have to bleep some of those. I mean, I come with a warning. You what? I can't read. What's going on?

How are you, Tony? I'm asking you. How are you, Laser? Nah, I mean, you know. What's going on? Just throwing bad dick at even worse people. Try to make it stick, you know? I fucked a porn star that night.

Okay, let's talk about that. Everybody had cool stories and shit about doing meth, but I don't want to do this. And look, like, I've been jacking off to this. This woman since I was like 13, it's like a milf porn star. Like I gave. What's her name? I can't do it.

Yes, you can. She's a fucking porn star. I can't. Listen, she's my friend. She's my friend. And look, we both drunk. Oh, God. It was a Lexus phone.

Okay. Good. And look, my family computer got six diseases from limewire. We went through six family computers. And like Windows 98 never stood a damn chance. You know what I'm talking about? And look. And look.

And look, I know everything she's like. And then, like, one hour drunk. And she's like, you'll come back to my hotel, and I say, yes. And she's like, we're getting ready to fuck. And like, and I get in the bathroom, I splashed water in my face, and I'm like, welcome to the show.

You know? And I'm throwing a kitchen sink at her. And I'm not making a dent. Not making a dent. And, you know. When you mean kitchen sink, you mean your penis? Yeah. It looked like a, I've been doing so much cocaine

looking like a belly button, you know. And I mean, it's like a weird bell. It's like a wheelbarrow with rope handles. I'm like, where'd I push it? You know? And I'm in there, and I'm just like, fuck, you know? And I just fake come because I'm like, I'm tired, you know? And I roll over and swear to God, my mom, you know, my mom, bloody, right?

Yeah. And look, my mom, she fucked all in Metallica, okay? She's built four tough, okay? She had a landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I got the haircut. You know, that's talking about? And look, and she calls me, she calls me, like, on my way home, and I left in the morning, and she goes, what's wrong?

you know, we're talking about finances because my granddad just died and she's like, what's wrong? I said, well, I fuck this porn star and she's like, how it was? And I go, it was mid, I did, you know. And she's like, and without skipping a beat, my mom goes, well, baby, it was her day off.

That is true. Yep, never fuck your heroes, I guess. Yeah. I've seen your penis on the internet. It was, yeah, well. You had sex on the internet before. Well, don't do that. It's not exactly a kitchen sink, isn't it?

No, that's a half bath. sink right there. There's a snake in my mood. No, hey, when it came out on the Twitter, I was like, whose dick is that? That's not my dick, you know? Like, whose baby dick is that? It's fine. Right. Yeah, I just don't know if you would call it

a kitchen sink, exactly. Bathroom sink, bird bath. I mean, there's a lot of, there's a lot of smaller... Smaller receptacles. Yeah. Yeah. It's something you would put a beta fish in, perhaps. Whoa, like a coiff fish? No, not a coy fish. That's a whole

different thing. No, that would be the opposite. A tiny tank. A small receptacle. Remember a little huggy? No. Not that's that. Okay, Uncle Laser.

Are you gaining weight? The world wants to know. Red Band actually asks me. You got that's gaining weight? Ask me if I'm gaining weight? No, come on, man. I'm trying for a fight. I'm sober right now.

You're literally not sober. I'm not, I'm not. You can all tell you're not sober. I've been watching a lot of YouTube DUI videos lately. I love watching people. Everybody lies on them. It's not even live, though. It's pre-tained.

It is true. Laser, fun times. You did it again. Fun set? You did it? Thank you, guys. Uncle Laser, ladies and gentlemen. Hello there.

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And we've got a special deal for our boner ready listeners. Right now, when you buy two months of Blue Chew Gold, you get the third month free with promo code Tony. That's promo code Tony. You will also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechu for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Johnny Tiggis. I do believe the name is. Hey, I'm Johnny Tiggis. My first time doing stand up. I thought it was pretty cool when Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.

But I thought it would be cooler if you wanted a gay sex-filled bender instead and then gave the Emancipation Proclamation. And it went a little something like, four whores and seven queers ago, I came forth on this gray nation. And last night, I came forth in three men. Speaking of slavery, June Teeth wasn't that far back at this point. But what I can say is I hadn't been with a black girl before.

and I didn't really want to, but I still have standards, obviously. So I thought at the very least, I could get with a section, 8 out of 10. You know, gay people and obese people have a lot more in common than you think. You know, it's, they're both... Go ahead. I want to hear at the end of this.

They both have huge assholes or something? Where were you going to say there? Well, yes, they are assholes. But I know what I was going to say is that, you know, they're both a little bit more on the feminine side. You know, usually the first person to judge when they walk into a room. Uh-huh. But I will say the only real difference is that obese people already look like they have somebody in them. Gay people actually have somebody in them.

Got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay, Johnny's first time, everybody. Welcome, Johnny. There he is. Thank you. Welcome, Johnny. How old are you? I'm 22. 22 years old. That's an age to start.

There you are. What are you been doing up until this point? A lot of different things. I spent most of my life growing up in the service industry. My family does weddings back in Virginia.

So I started working when I was like 11 years old, I think. From there, a lot of service industry, more serving tables, did door-to-door sales, and now in Austin I do tech sales.

Okay. Very interesting. And how about with your normal life? What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy you like to parkour or something? Fuck. Fuck.

No, no. Not my kind of obstacle. I like a lot of golf. Obviously, like comedy. I watch a lot of Kill Tony. My free time. I like to hit the bars out here in Austin. Love a good time.

I like the Betty a lot. What do you do at the bars? Explain to us what a guy like you does at the bar because I just picture you sitting there kind of being creepy. You know, believe it or not, I have friends. So, like, usually go with the friends, try to pull chicks. Relatively successful sometimes.

Really? Believe it or not, yeah. Sometimes the girls like the skinny guy, a small penis in the long hair. Liar! Ooh, John D. On the sound effects while red band's going pee-pee. Look at that. You seem like such a sweet boy that's trying to be such a bad boy.

I know. You want to find out? You look like the girl that looks like Jim Carrey. You know what I mean? Yeah. There is that comedian. Not even him. Yeah.

He looks like the girl that looks like it. Yeah. You got a very sweet. You have like, I would say, can I give you a couple tips? Absolutely. And likewise, I would say you got to move the mic stand. You can see the courts taught underneath it. It's limited in your space.

But also get rid of any barriers. And then also keep your shoulders up, head up. Okay. Looking down for the punch lines makes them think you don't, you're not confident in your punchlines. When you have to be up and out, like try doing it that way and you'll get a bigger response on those. Thank you. Yeah. That's awesome.

No problem. I love you. I love you, too. It is great advice. You were looking way down. For the first time, not bad, though. You remembered your stuff. You knew what you kind of wanted to get to. I agree that you seem like you're trying to be, like, naughty up here.

Let's find out some authentic things that are funny about you. Like, what's a normal just day? Without trying to be funny, take us through your actual life. Because it seems like even when I ask you a question, you're like, yeah, I just like going to bars, picking up chicks. Like, no one really believing. that. That is fair. Tell us some vulnerable

things about you. Like, let's get to it. You want to get into the family? I got five older siblings. I'm the youngest of six. Okay. I don't know if there's anything there. No. There's nothing there. Fucking fly. Oh, my God.

It's like it knows. It's like it knows my range. Oh, so fucking close. Keep going. We're trying to kill a fly, buddy. I'm giving you a lot of time to think you. You kill that flower. The youngest of six, you can keep going. What do you do?

What time do you wake up? I'm usually like a 6.45, 7 a.m. gay. What exactly do you do? Take us through your fucking day? Oh, dude, right now, I mean, like, I'm in tech sales. So, like, you wake up, don't really want to go to work, procrastinate a little bit, getting out of bed, then pretty much just go straight to work

and then get right into it, start cold calling. That's pretty much the day-to-day. You just said nothing. Yeah. I asked you what you do. you so well, I don't want to go to work and then I go to work. But like, what's the first thing you do when you get out of bed? Go take a shower.

Okay. Tell us about that. What do you do in the shower? Yeah, tell us. Right now, I'm in the process of moving, so I just moved over to a shit hole in East Austin. And I thought it wasn't a shit hole. What do you have in your shower? You one of those 10-1 wash, body wash guys?

No, no. I usually go, like, lately I've been using some doctor's squatch for the body soap. Lufa? Lufa? No, Lufa. I know I'm a washcloth guy. I know I'm a washcloth guy. Wow.

How often you interchange your washcloth? That is a completely fair question. Not as much as I should. Probably every three weeks. Two and a half weeks. See? Look at you now. One second, you're going,

what is Tony doing with these fucking questions? And the next, you're going, I'm so entertained. Three weeks is nuts, sir. I'm sorry. How many different washcloth? do you have? One.

Oh my God. Can you believe this? Ladies and gentlemen, that is the craziest answer I've ever imagined in my entire life. And you know he's lying. That's like three months, I bet. You're 22, buddy.

You're doing fine. I thought three weeks is good, you know? I didn't know you were supposed to wash towels until I was like 30. I thought it was cleaning. I'm clean. How often do you wash your sheets? How often do I wash sheets?

What's a good answer to that, guys? My wife watches our sheets. I would say once a week. Yeah. Yeah, or else she gets it. No, okay. That's every two weeks. I don't know.

I've been here too long. Okay. Johnny, you have wacky parents or anything? Is there anything about you at all? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My parents are very wacky. My dad's super, super, super conservative. Do you want to hear like, tell us about that?

Yeah, yeah, I'll definitely tell you about that. So I'm from Northern Virginia. So there was this big deal back during COVID. Essentially, this girl got raped by a trans, guy in the bathroom at one of our local public schools, right? And then the person that raped her got transferred to another school in the same district. Talk about a solution, you know? And then essentially, imagine parents were actually pissed, believe it or not. So there was a big school board meeting and in the middle of it, they declared it illegal trespassing. And my dad, his plumber was

the... Here we go. Yeah, his dad... My dad and his Plummer, who was the daughter of the first girl that got raped. Okay. We're like, we're not fucking leaving. Okay. Yeah. And they both got arrested and made, like, national news. They got driven around the block and a paddy wagon and then just pretty much dropped off.

Nothing really happened except for the charge and everything, you know, getting arrested. So it took him like three and a half years to get pardoned. And your dad. Yeah, so he went on. He got pardoned? He got pardoned finally. By the president? No, no, I wish.

But no, he, he, um... He's got to take the win, I guess. Yeah. We just say, we can get in Virginia, you know? You can imagine? He tells him, tells his son, I got pardoned son, and his son's like, yeah, but from who? No, it was, I think his name's Greg Abbott or some shit,

governor of Virginia. That makes sense. He has a wheelchair that goes 60 miles an hour. Here's a medium-sized joke book since it was your first time. There goes Johnny, everybody. All right. Let's keep it moving along here. back to the bucket we go

one more time is he ready we're good for him you know what let's get a regular up here ladies and gentlemen you know this guy you love him this is a brand new minute plus from the former dark storm of Atlanta Georgia and now the dark storm of Austin

Texas make some fucking noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn everybody do y'all remember when science was sexy Like, do y'all remember Like, the sexiest thing you could be with, like, an astronaut or... Y'all remember when, like...

With, like... Y'all remember when, like, Bill Nye was getting the most pussy in America? Like, even your girl, like, so you with your girl, and Bill Nye show up, you like, get that nigger some pussy. He taught me about beakers. And...

In geometry, that nigger really helped me out. Science used to be sexy, and then we all got our feelings hurt. because we spent all this money to go to the moon only to find out the moon wasn't made out of cheese. Right? Because that's, oh, I'm the only nigga that thought that the moon was made out of cheese.

So, sir, your grandpa didn't come to you, and he was like, the moon's made out of cheese, and every night God take a little nibble out of the moon, and that's why I go from waxing the crescent to new moon, right? So I was the only nigga that... If we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese, then why we put a fission? flag in it. All right? Why we put a flag in it if we didn't think the moon was made out of

cheese? If we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese, then why we sent three white guys up there? Love cheese. You don't even got to know each other. You just put some cheese together. These three white guys, push cheese, y'all niggas best friends. The only people who like cheese more of the three white guys is three white women, but we weren't sending them up there. Like, you know what I'm saying? I don't even know if they can drive then. Like, you know what I'm saying? I don't know what the laws was. I wasn't born. But we couldn't sit them up there.

Then we said Buzz Aldrich. The nigga got off the plane and he licked the rocket. He was like, ugh. Right. And now we don't give a fuck about the moon, right? We don't give a fuck about going to space. Every year or day, like, we go on to Mars. Don't nobody give a fuck.

We like, nigga, I ain't never seen red cheese. You know what I'm saying? Like, that shit was because we wanted to go mine the moon, right? Could you picture we had found cheese on the moon, nigga, we would have been still in every planet moon like, nigga. We would have took all eight moons on Saturn, nigga. I learned that from Bill 9.

That's my time. I love y'all. Boom. Dedrick. Flamed, ladies and gentlemen. I love you. Two and a half minutes all on moon cheese, everybody. That's how it's done.

You got to get that space charcutory, Tony. Oh, my goodness. First of all, I'm lactose intolerance, so. Yeah. Well, you wouldn't know you ain't never had moon cheese. That's true. Uh-huh.

That moon cheese. The texture alone. It is incredible. Yeah, there's a lot there, Nedrick. You did it. The sexy scientist stuff, the beaker stuff, and then straight into moon cheese. How's life been going? Good man.

Just touring. I just did some sold-out shows in Tampa, Florida. Nice. Preping for this special coming out and prepping for going to Madison Square Garden. I haven't a fucking time of my life. I'm in the groove right now. I love it. Tampa's a crazy place, huh?

Do you have fun out there? Oh, yeah. I've been going, it was crazy because that was the first time I ever had a headline there, but I've been going there for like 11 years. So like just getting to see all the people who've already been there,

because they've been going for like 33 years and they have some of the same staff every time you come. So like they were like, we've been waiting and then I got my head shot put up, you know, for being one of my home clubs and me doing like over like 20 shows over there. But there was the first.

first time ever headlining and selling out. So it was like, it's a big dream club, Drew, that's really sick. I love it. I love it. I love it. Did I see you're in a music video or something like that? Yeah, I've been in a lot of music videos.

Pretty sure I saw you in some of MC Hammer's recent work. A lot of MC. Yeah, no, those are like, oh, it was like if my friends were in bands and stuff, and then that was a band that I used to be a drummer in, but then I was like, start doing comedy full time and touring on that, so you can't be, like, in a band and do that. Wait, you're a drummer. Why haven't you done a Mexican drummer?

Because I couldn't win. You play the drums? Yeah. We didn't know this. Yeah, well, because I was homeless, so I ain't been able to practice. You know what I'm saying? You can't get a drum sitting there?

Hey, Mike, can you just have my side for, like, two seconds? Like, you could have been like, no, he ain't ready. You can't, just let me. I just got out of jail. I got back. Let me fucking get, let me get my rolls. I got my drum set up in my apartment.

How about like in a month? We can practice together, then we can do it, and we'll do it on Kiltone. We have a Mexican drum off because I'm texting now, so that means I'm part Mexican. I love it.

Absolutely. Dedrick, you are amazing. You are a breath of fresh air. Always so fun to watch you grow and expand the length of your set here live on Kiltone. Yeah. I love y'all. Thank y'all.

Hey, you're having. It's going to MSG. It's going to Vegas. New Year's Eve. Watch the playback of MSG. Two episodes available right now. KilltonyLive.com. Okay.

Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun name to me. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Ray Ray. Here we go. Tony Austin, Texas. Look at all these beautiful. white people in here. It is safe for me to assume that some of you are vegetarians. It's all right.

You know, vegetarians have got their own language, you know what I mean? Tofirk you this, impossible meat that, faking. I don't understand. If vegetables stay so good, then why you keep trying to make things things... If vegetables taste so good and why you keep trying to make things plant-based, you know what I mean? But listen, I get it. I digress, all right? If we call that vegetarians, why don't we call Jeffrey Dahmer a humanitarian? It's just food for thought. It's just food for thought, okay? But now white people who are amazing dog owners.

You know what I mean? Y'all be, like, reading the ingredients on dog food and shit. Y'all be taking your dog to the vet? Damn! If you see a black person at a vet, I'm telling you right now, he's a drug dealer. You know what else is good with dogs? Like, homeless people.

Homeless people are amazing with dogs. You see them on the side of the road? They're like, you know what? I will do anything. for food. And I'm just like, there you go, Ray, Ray. Did all your time there.

I actually like that joke of all the homeless dog jokes there. Thank you. That was funny. That's the funniest one I think I've ever heard. And I see homeless people with dogs a lot. I've seen black men, homeless, black men,

with a white woman and a dog. Right. A lot. It's a thing. happening here in Austin. I can admit. I'm always on the defense of Austin. There's not a lot of homeless people.

I've been doing some driving lately. Yeah. I would say the homeless here are a little more like Tasmanian devilish than everywhere. Like there's no shoes and you're like, you know what I mean? Yeah. They spin a lot.

You guys have some fucking dancing homeless out here. It's wild. Got him. I got his out. Where'd the corpse go? Is it in your drink? Get the corpse. The cancer guy just aches.

but I got that motherfucker. Oh, he did. He did. Okay. That was funny, man. The first joke was funny, too. I liked it. It's just that there was some stumbling in there.

There was. Moon cheese, right? He was talking about moon cheese, right? Okay. Hey, yo. It was the last guy. Yo. Don't you look at me, MC Hammer.

All right. Let's talk about it. Ray, Ray, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since 2021. 2021. There you go. About five years. Where at?

What part of Atlanta? Um, part of Atlanta. No, I'm kidding. Where are you from? Houston? No, I'm from California, but I started out in Manhattan and then went to Vegas. Oh, sweet. Awesome. How long have you been in Austin? I moved here Mother's Day. Oh, nice. Look at that. How come not Father's Day? Not that close with your father? What is that?

They have a day? Yeah, it's Halloween because he ghosted you. Facts. Back for killing. Go back up. It's up here. I know where it is. Here we go. Wow.

Yeah, that was good. The red band. We have pure momentum. Red band's killing. The fly is dead. Wow. We are cooking up here. My goodness.

I'm so proud of you, poof. Oh, my goodness. So, Ray, Ray, what do you do for work? We're at a restaurant. Okay. The Westlake Country Club. Shout to the Westlake. Hell yeah. I love it. That's a fancy country club, right? It's pretty fancy.

What exactly do you do there? Nothing really. Wow. Perfect. Well, you know, I do prep and wash dishes and shit like that. Nice. Think of jokes. Hell yeah. That's a good gig. That's a great gig. Daytime, right?

Yeah. Yeah, that's great. For a comedian, that's exactly what you need. Is a good, fucking well-paying day job. Seriously. Yeah, that's it. A lot of guys out there sleeping in their cars, shout to them. Yeah.

And you have your own little studio apartment. Yes, little owned studio apartment. That's good. Yeah, it's all I need. In this economy, the strongest economy in the world. That's good. Seriously. Thanks.

I love it. And what do you have in your shower? I've been asking people this today. Some people use a 10-in-1. Some people have a lufa. Some people have a washcloth. Some people go straight soap. What's your setup?

You know, just whatever they can get at the dollar story, you know what I'm saying? But what do you have right now? If we were to truly take a reality show crew, to your place and storm the gates and not let you go in the bathroom first, what exactly would we find in your shower right now? Black ice, don't you?

A bonnet? A bonnet? Really? No. Oh, okay. He's just answering what you think you wanted. Right, I'm like, a bonnet, some fried chicken bones.

Okay. Watermelon rinds. Wow. Wow. This is my entire, this is my entire. Somebody else's ID. Wow.

Oh, Ray, Ray, you cray cray. Hey, I'll take it. Wow. Amazing. You're not going to give me a real answer, but what's in your shower? Honestly, really, I'm pretty simple. It's just like some body wash and a little wash, right? How about your fridge?

Craziest thing we'd find in your fridge if we looked right now. True answer. That would be silly now. Okay. Honestly, true answer would be my rotten fucking rabbi steak. You have a rotten rabbi steak? Yeah, the fucking electricity went off for two days. Oh, damn.

That sucks. So it's rotten ribby's sake in there. Damn. I should probably take it out. Damn. Amazing. Ray, Ray, what's your love life like? It's like, I'm in the male loneliness epidemic right now.

It's real. Why is that? You're a good-looking guy. I like money. Okay. So, with no girl, you have more money. Right. Got it.

Or you can make more money to offset the girl. It's not that easy. It's not that easy. It's not that easy. Senior lonely correspondent Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. It's not that easy. Have you thought about finding a girl that makes money? Like, that's easy to do.

Ooh, good idea. Nah, I'm all right. All right. So you gay? No, I just... Don't you do that? No. Don't you call Ray Ray Gaye-Gay.

Seriously. Yeah, the only thing reggae is like music, you know? Hello? That's what I'm saying. So, Ray, way, when's the last time you were with a woman? Oh, shit. Probably just a couple weeks ago, actually. Okay, where you meet her at?

How does a night like that happen? Take us through it. I met her on Facebook dating. Okay. She wanted to go kayaking like all the other white girls. Oh, my goodness. And you agreed to that? Fuck, no.

Right. Hell no. You're like, why don't we hang out at the dock? Well, yeah, well, seriously. I can fucking barbecue there. Okay. So what did you guys end up doing? She wanted to go kayaking.

We know that you're not into that. No, she, we went to the bar. We were hanging out. Things were good. We're making out. We go back to my house. We're making out more. Yes.

She ended up going down on me. And then she had a seizure. Oh, my God. Well, how did that feel? Well, from town here. She bite down on it? It felt amazing. But, I mean, yeah, she had a seizure.

It turns out she had a nut allergy. You're just. That's a joke. Ray Ray. Ray. Are you... That's Ray Ray. That is so Ray Ray, Ray. It is...

It is... Ray Ray Ray, Ray. Yes, sir. Don't we do this every day, day? I work them long nights, long nights to get a payday. Finally got shade, now I need shade. Finally got paid now I need shade and a bayk. All these haters hating so much hate, I need an AK.

Did you know that? No, bars. Bars. MC Hammer did? I'm a big MC Hammer fan. Bars. So none of that was real. She didn't have a seizure.

No, she didn't have a seizure at all. I was just kidding. No, things were great. Okay, wow. We went a long way there. Yeah, we started in. At least the fly is dead. Ray, Ray, what type of woman are you into?

Can you describe the thick white woman that you're... Respect, respectful, uh, physically. Physical. Like what, what's your, are you in the Latinas, Asian girls? Yeah, I like Latinos.

But what's your, I just said that as an example. Like, what's your main pit? It's basically like, what do you have that way? Yeah, what are we working with here? You don't have a favorite? Um, not necessarily, to be honest. Like, you know, there's so many beautiful women and so many different textures.

I've been to Denmark and fucking. Well, good news. You just pissed off all the black women watching. Yeah, well, yeah. All four black women that are fans of this show just turned it off. They don't want me. I'm a fucking dishwasher, bro. Right.

No black woman. You just won them back. There you go. All right, Ray, Ray, uh, fun times. Here is a big joke book. Oh, thanks. There you go. Ray, Ray, ladies are you guys.

Thank you guys so much. I don't even remember the set, to be honest. I'm just giving him a big joke book in case he ever sees me on this streets. Thank you, Ray, Ray. Hell yeah. One more time for Ray, Ray. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

We're flying through it tonight. Make some noise to your next bucket pool. It's Daniel Van Tassel, everybody. Thank you all so much. I've tried to kill myself three times. That guy's like, do it one more time. Well, yeah, I've tried to kill myself three times. One time I was standing on the edge of a bridge,

and I just, I hated myself. I hated my life. I didn't want to live anymore. But the real reason I was on that bridge was to prove that white man can jump. I say three times, but it's weird that it didn't take because my mom told me third times the charm.

I'll get that bitch back with Lucky Number 7. I started doing do Jitsu recently, and something I've noticed is that, Black guys really like grappling with white people. There's just something that comes across, there's a smile that comes across their face when they start choking you and locking you up. It's like reparations is happening right then and there.

All right, that's my time. Okay. Daniel Van Tassel. How long have been doing stand-up? Three years. Awesome. What do you do for work? Just door dash. right now. What else have you done?

Like, have you ever heard of Fiverr? It's like an app. People like hire you to like put up shells. Oh, okay. What's the weirdest fiber you ever had? Well, an old lady was like kind of trying to hit on me while I was putting together her dresser. Nice. That was pretty fucking weird. Hell yeah. Yeah. And she was like 80. Oh, wow. What was she saying? She was like, oh, wow, you're so strong. Look at those muscles and tat. Two's. Hell yeah. Yeah, it was fucking weird.

And she wore a robe. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And like little parts of it were like kind of slipping a bit. Oh shit. Like the nipples? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Her nipple was all the way down to her fucking pussies. Nice. I love it. Her nipple looked like it jumped off the bridge. You really tried to kill yourself three times? Yeah. Once was off of a bridge. Yeah.

Which bridge? I was in Vegas. What bridge? Walking? over the street? Yeah. It was like... The crosswalk bridge?

No. No. Tell us the exact bridge. So it was a bridge on Forta Patchy. You don't know the name of the bridge that you jumped off of? No bridge. I didn't jump off of it. Oh.

Yeah. I almost did. I guess that's not really a suicide attack. Did somebody save you off or like... Well, I was just like being a pussy about it and just like standing there. Okay. It's over a highway. So I guess we've all almost jumped off of a bridge for a second there.

Yeah. Yep. That's not jumping is. Yeah, basically not a suicide attempt. Right, but you were really kicking it around? Yeah. Okay. How about the other two times? I took a bunch of pills. Which pills?

Zanix. Oh, wow. How did that end up going for you? I just threw them. I threw them up on my bed. So, like, I didn't kill myself, and then I had to clean up my bed. Right. That fucking sucked, dude. Yeah. You had even one more reason to kill yourself after that. Exactly.

It's like, ah, my bed's a fucking mess. Now I really want to end it. Okay, how about the third time? That was pills as well. What pills were those? That was Xanax and... Was it Tums after you had an upset belly after trying the Xana? It was Xanax and Percocet.

Oh, wow. And what happened that time? You puke again? Same thing. Wow. God just wants me here for some reason, I guess. Well, let me ask you this. No, no.

That looked like I was like, he doesn't, and let me tell you why. No, I was going to ask you, how often do you do this? How often are you doing stand-up? Stand-up? So, I've been taking kind of a break just, like, I've been really depressed recently. Yeah. I've been trying, I've been getting a little bit. So if you were to say, in a month, how often you're jumping on a stage?

Probably like seven or eight times. Okay. You know you need to do more, right? It's hard to do that when you're not feeling mentally well. all that shit. But I would say it's a tough open with that subject. And I think it's important if you want to talk about it, but save it till they're like,

ha ha ha, ha. Okay. You know? Wait till there are like, this guy's great. I thought this is killed him. You know, like, it is. But you don't take the title seriously. You know, like you don't have to talk about that. I would say open up a little bit lighter.

Talk about you. You seem like a nice guy. Give us a reason to like you in the beginning. And then talk about. I was going for pity laughs. You're going for pity laughs. You got a cute look. You look like.

If someone plucked the hair off of Joe Rogan's arm and then grew it in the Texas soil and they were like, we should have let it grow a little bit more. Right. Just a reminder if anybody's ever having thoughts, do, go to BetterHelp.com and use the promo code kill Tony. Daniel Van Tassel, tell us something else interesting about your life. What kind of hobbies or special skills or talents do you have?

Hobbies, I just do Jitsu. I like to go out a lot. like I've been hitting Barton Springs pool for the most part, like all summer. That plays fucking rules. Okay. You know random shit like that. I don't really, I'm not like art creative. I don't like draw or shit like that.

Yeah. All right. What's your loved life like? You have a girlfriend? I kind of have like a situation ship going on. Tell us about that. What does that mean? Like we don't have labels and we can fuck other people.

But like we kind of really stick with each other. Like we actually hang out and go do shit while other people we just like bang. Who's winning though? She's winning. Yeah. Yeah. It's infinitely easier for her.

Yeah. I did that. I did an old relationship for a minute. My girl, I kicked my ass. It was all Australians and that fucks with you. All the guys she bangs were Australian because they come to New York and they have sex with everybody. And it's always my girlfriend.

They put a... Wow. Isn't that interesting. They put a shrimp on her Barbie. Shut up. Yeah. What a bully? You're a bully, Daniel Vanty.

That was good. Good job. I'm taller than you. Most everyone is, yeah. Fun times, Daniel. Congratulations. How long have you been to stand up? Three years.

Very nice. Sign up again sometime. Daniel Van Tassel, everybody. All right. Another bucket pool. We know this young lady. She is very funny. She's famously been on this show before, made a huge impact,

is now a regular here at the mothership and a full-time employee. Her life changed from being here in Austin, Texas. Very funny lady. This is a brand new minute from the great Annie Teicher, everybody. All my friends are getting married, having kids. I feel behind. I've always been behind. I remember when I was 14 and I hadn't gotten my period yet.

I would just pretend, walk out of the bathroom at school, like, do not go in there, I just did a big period. Last one of my friends to get my period. Last one of my friends to kiss a boy. He was 16, and guess who can't coach soccer anymore. You know, when I was in school, the boys were mean. except one who told me to call them when my tits come in. And I think I'm going to do it.

Wow. Annie is funny. And you're back again. Welcome, Annie. How's life going? It's great. It's great. I work here. Sat these people here. You did tonight, this room? Amazing. I love it when that happens. That's wild. How long have you worked here again? I've worked here since November. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year and a half. And this is your only job working here and doing stand-up? It is.

I quit my job. My other job. I was a golf professional. That's right. I remember that. Wow, a year and a half, for real? That's insane. I don't think that joke with the waiting for your tits to come in.

I don't think I wrote a joke that good for like three years. That's amazing. Oh, thank you. And your mannerisms, like you don't realize how much they add. Like when you're a 16-year-old and when you went like that, that added so much comedic effect. And that's natural. That's so good for you. Thank you.

Yeah, truly. Yeah. She's got it. Very famously, I asked her a year and a half ago, I do believe it was, what the whiteest or blackest thing about her is. And she said that she shops at Ross. And the place went crazy. And then I asked, right, what's the most Latino thing about you? And she said that she draws on her own eyebrows.

And again, these were just like, in the moment. Blobs that she knocked out of the park. Extreme natural talent. That only goes one direction. And I completely agree with Jeff. I mean, you fly off the page for a year and a half in. How's the rest of your life going? That's pretty bland.

The rest is still unremarkable. Really? But I love doing comedy. What's your living situation? You live by yourself? I live by myself. And what's in your shower? Anything crazy?

Oh, this is something from earlier. Okay. Yeah, I've been asking people tonight. You're the first female that I've asked because it's kind of a crazy question about what's in your shower? Just a shampoo and a bar of soap or whatever. Looking for, I'm going to eventually...

What are you looking for? Washcloth, lufa, like, what are you doing in there? Oh. You're at Lufa City. Pardon? You are a lady of the lufa. Am I correct, or are you a... Washcloth gal.

I am. Do you know what a lufa is? Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I don't... Sorry. Yes. Yes. Perfect answer. What's that all about?

Why are you shy about talking about... I'm just shy. I'm shy. You don't use anything. You just use soap? I use soap. You just go straight soap off your hand? What is this?

It does feel weird. The only woman we're asking is like, Hey, chill, dude. I guess it is kind of a crazy question, but whatever. I love it. Annie, what is, what scares you? What are you afraid of in this crazy world? What are you?

What scares you? Is there something that scares you? It's got to be something. You're looking at me like it's just straight up. black people. He keeps going, yeah. General

violence. General violence. Yes. One of the lieutenants of our great army. I'm General Violence. I'm going to have you motherfuckers doing a thousand bushups a day. God damn, welcome. I am General Violence. You will refer to me as General Violence. The name

matches my routine. That's right. General violence. Have you witnessed violence? You remember like a moment where you saw some violence that maybe made you? You know, this won't surprise you,

but I haven't. Really? Oh. Well, let's get her some violence, guys. Yeah. You haven't seen it out on 6th Street. You never saw a street fight or anything like that?

They keep me inside. Yeah. She's like a tuxedo cat. She's a house, she's a house mothership employee. We keep the, We keep the rugged's on the outside.

And the sweet little Annie Tichers inside. She's an indoor cat. Do you get diarrhea a lot? Red band. Now, see, there I am trying to be a professional, hosting a real show, and then you pull a real poof, and you take it too far,

and it's out of control. Do you get diarrhea sometimes? I do. I'll tell you. Your turn. I'm just. Just kidding, Annie, you don't have to answer that. Give us one wacky fun fact about your life, Annie, that would surprise us.

Just tell us something and then... I was suspended in the first grade. Oh, my goodness. Is it violence? It wasn't violent, no. What was it? I made a toilet out of snow during recess, and then I made the kids use it. Wow.

Wow. Thank you. Oh, my. I feel like this shouldn't matter, but did you use it also? Oh, that's weird. I just ran this. You built it for them and you're like, have at it. I won't, but.

That's incredible. That's actually very adorable. That's kind of sweet. Here's a toilet. Use it. Redband would have taken a shit in it. Blatently for peeing and he would have just fucking, he would have just sat on it. Did they poop in there?

Any of them poop in there? Yeah. Really? So I got sent home. Wow. You liked that, didn't you? Like seeing other kids poop, huh? At the time, yeah, I must have.

Red band. Poof. All right. Annie, you are just fantastic. We love you here. Truly, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. She's here at the mothership all the time, crushing on actual lineups with the big kids.

Only a year and a half in on real lineups. Look at this illegal. immigrant, taking the weirdest way possible to get out of here. All right. We having fun out there. It's our last bucket pool of the night, everybody. Right? Yeah.

Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Blazing Nana, everybody. Blazing Nana. Y'all, I started dating again, and I've discovered a few things. I love big dick energy. I'm a little dick man. I mean, I want all that same

swagger and confidence without the blunt forced trauma to my swimsuit area. And pickings are slim at my age. The best ones are already taken. Rest of them, dead. Half the time in their swimsuit area. I know you guys call that whiskey dick. Tastes nothing like whiskey.

Oh, and I have dated a couple of old guys on the boner pills. Oh, yeah. Those guys, they're really easy to find over on like silver singles in our time. Those are the apps the old folks used to screw. And I can always tell who's taking them pills. I know what I look like completely naked. If a 63-year-old man marches in my room,

soldier at the ready, I didn't make him pop that boner. He popped a pill. Ooh, and it could be fun. If he got it at CBS, hell yes. Texaco is a no-bueno. Anyway, thank you so much. All right, glazing Nana. everyone.

You've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, it was a year ago. Okay, well, welcome back, Blazing. Thank you. Welcome, welcome. Jeff, what did you think about that performance? It was fun. I see you have a lot of tattoos.

What did they used to be? These tattoos? I was worried about that one. Those things are. That was nice. That was nice. Honey, these tattoos are older than you are. I bet.

Yeah. I bet. Those things are more faded than Uncle Lazyzer. You're probably like 43, 44. Oh, I'm 43, 44. Thank you, bitch. Am I... I said 38 earlier,

and I was pretty confident about it. I know, it's a beautiful hair. God, I love it. Yeah, I started it. You're beautiful. You are. Blazing Nana. How long have you been doing stand-up, Blazing Nana?

I started in 2019, and then the pandemic hit in the Bay Area in California locked us up like... Yes, they did. Bad. And then I had two. really major surgeries. The first one was abdominal

surgery. I've lost a lot of weight. I had skin taken off. But then I had all my top teeth removed. Oh, shit. And I had to learn how to talk with something harder in my mouth, which I'm not used to doing. You know what I'm saying? So, I had to learn how to talk with dentures, and it's been really crazy.

Okay, so why did they take all of your top teeth out? Because they were really, really bad from getting punched in the head. I told you a year ago, you probably forgot. I am a victim and a survivor of domestic violence. Well, congratulations. Domestic violence.

And I'm here. And now I can laugh about it. You lost all the weight after you left that guy? Yeah, I did. I mean, if you would have done it a little bit sooner, I mean, you could have avoided all the... Yeah, maybe, maybe. Still yapping.

Hey, since you're being ornery, I want to play, Hey, Nana, what's in the Fanny Pants? Can we do that? Come on. I mean, it's a no way. Because I have been hanging on to this. I haven't been pulled for a year. I know.

You lost all that weight and now you have it attached to you. I have remotely by a... But I have it attached for a reason because I got you something. Oh my goodness. Your birthday a long time ago. I love it. First of all, this is a chrome cue holder for your chalk when you shoot pool. Oh, that's very sweet.

Nice. Thank you. I actually will do something with that. And then this is something that I thought you might like. I didn't know if you had one because you're the gold. them pony, but now you're a Tex, and so you're the golden tics, and I got you a nice belt buckle. That's a little longhorn

there. We're on an American flag. Look at that. I don't know where I could possibly get one like it, but it's great to have another one. This is actually, I have a few of them. It's a spare. I do have a belt buckle collection. Somehow it's started. It has begun. I had one more thing.

See, that's what I would answer if I was an interviewee on this show. I go, I have a belt buckle collection. and then everyone would call me Uncle Laser's favorite word and then we would move on. Thank you for this belt buckle. That's very sweet. Anything else in there? What else do you got?

I was going to ask you if I could smoke with you all. Nope. You can't. I promise you you can't. We can't have you fucking pulling a heart attack up here and then your family tries to sue us and Joe Rogan because they would. I know you would.

Not a cigarette. No, you can't. No. Never mind. I was going to ask if I could hang out and smoke with you guys, but that's okay. No, that's all. I had was that in there and

that's about it but I love it. Blazing Nana, give us one more little fun fact about your life. You seem like you've seen a lot. You seem like you are the type of lady that back in the day used to shut down a dive bar. You would be at that jukebox

playing the best of the Eagles till the late at night. I will tell you that I am a call in personality on the number one morning show in San Francisco for 11 years now. Whoa. 107.7 The Bone, KSAN, San Francisco for 11 years.

Yes, I'm that Blazana from the Bone. So I'm kind of famous back there, but not here. Wow. So when I was doing stand-up in the Bay Area, I was giving my government name because I didn't want to get preference because I'm Blazana from the radio station. Got it. You know what I mean? And then I came here and no one knows who the hell I am anyway.

So it doesn't even matter, but I love it. It's all good. How about now? What type of fun are you having in life now? I retired to do comedy. I couldn't afford to do it in the Bay Area anymore. So I sold everything that I could, my car and everything else. What kind of car was it?

It was a 2001 Mitsubishi Mirage, jalopy with 200,000 miles on it. But it was my puddle jumper. She got me from show to show, and I loved it. And so I haven't had a car for over a year now, and my neighbor is selling me a car. I don't know if you're allowed to call them puddle jumpers anymore, by the way. I think you have to call them... I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. We have a lot of potholes and puddles.

Oh, I thought you were talking about Mexicans. Okay. We're having fun here, puddle jumpers. Blazing Anna, when's the last time you had sexual intercourse with a man? It was about two years ago. It wasn't good. So if you want to know, when's the last time I had good sex, it was about eight years ago. Okay.

Yeah. That was a black man? No. I only date little dick guys. I have a brand new vagina. I had clam cancer, the cervical cancer. Whoa. You have a brand new vagina?

Yeah, and I lost my fooper when I had my surgery, so I have a brand new meow down here. Wow. So I only date little dick guys. Wow. Holy shit. This is very exciting. Hey, Roel. Wow.

Wait, what did I miss over there? I've been telling him for a year. I'm going to turn around and say, hey, Raul, do you for a year? I've been telling him I was going to do that when I got pulled. Whoa, Raul Vallejo. Look at that. Oh, my God. He told us he had a big dick.

Wow. Oh, I don't know him that way. I just wanted to say hi to him. I have been teasing him for a year. I'm going to get on stage and turn around and say, hey, Raul, and I finally got to do it. Amazing. She's going to turn your trombone into a trauma bone. It's exciting.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Do you see his lips? Okay, relax, Blazing, Nana. Jesus Christ. I'm like your pussy because I'm scarred for life. Blazing Nana, you're a sweet lady. You know what? Since you came bearing gifts, I'm going to give you a big joke.

I appreciate that. Even though your set was just whatever. And I caught it too. You're damn right. You caught. Just like the cervical cancer. You caught in my luck. There she goes.

Blazing Nana. Ladies and gentlemen, a sweet little spirit. All right, this is it. We did it. We got through the bucket. Congratulations, everybody. We're all still alive. Nobody lost an eye or an arm or anything. We're all safe.

That means we get to sit back and enjoy the absolute climax of this show. We have a freak of nature. We keep them chained up all week. And we let them out on Monday nights, The Beast. Enjoy yourself. I know we will. This is a brand new set from the real deal. Pat O'Neill, everybody.

Found a lot of rabbit holes? I'm a furry. Uh, a little about me? Seriously, ever since the Epstein emails came out, I can't even look at a pizza anymore. Without getting hard. Uh, no, no, no. That sort of stuff, it's an issue all over the world.

I've recently read a story about a man in the Middle East who married a child. Yeah. It's called the Quran. They put it right in the book. I would have left it out, you know? And speaking of religious texts, I just learned Mind Comph is still available on Amazon.

Even worse, they're selling it under cookbooks. Thank you. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, Pat O'Neill. Great job, dude. Thank you, thank you. So funny, man. When you got made a regular dude,

I was so happy for you. I was watching you grow on the show and just destroy. I even messaged you and congratulate you. You say, oh, awesome. You're saying, oh, what the fuck? I was checking. I was like, what the fuck? No, man, that's great.

I spent most of my time on Instagram, like, responding to schizophrenics in the comments section, so I do apologize. It's very rude of me. That's all good. You're probably missing a lot of messages. There's another mailbox. It's a, what is it?

What is it? Request. Yeah, request. found out recently. If you missed his, you probably missed Drake's and Kanye's and other people's,

by the way. You're probably going to be very... Kanye after this set. You're going to be very... He's probably been following since the smoking the Jay's show a few weeks ago. I mean, you are just something else, man.

It's like sitting back and getting to just watch one of today's truly, I truly mean this, best comedians out there. And getting to watch your process I mean, I can't imagine. Actually, I can't imagine

because I had you do a spot on one of my stand-up shows a couple of weeks ago and watching you put all of this together in full sets. It's just incredible. It's, you know, to go joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, and with the stuff in the middle being funny, and the way you change directions being funny, the only thing funnier than when he does a minute, or a set on this show is watching him do a longer set because he builds momentum.

Everybody, if they don't know who he is, figures it out real quick that he's very funny. And it all adds up. I mean, there's nothing that can stop your trajectory at this point. So I got distracted by this guy. I thought he was J.D. Vance for a second. Has anybody said that yet? I just noticed him right now.

He is J.D. Vancey as it gets. So look at this guy. Look at the eyeliner. Oh, he can even make a face that make himself more J.D. Vancey. That's crazy. I wasn't really watching it. I was afraid somebody had said it already.

I was like, I'm going to go for it. That is incredible. Wow, and he does. He's here with an immigrant. So that is very... Janice. It's J.D. Vancey's here with Red Band's girlfriend. That is amazing.

Pat O'Neill, how's life going for you? Anything crazy going on? Fucking good. I don't know. I'm just trying to, like, stay sane and get some sleep before MSG, honestly. You know what I mean? Just fucking...

And yeah, I'm with you. Yeah. It's wildly exciting. And it is tough to sleep when you live this kind of wild life. It's a lot of fun. And you're attacking it. Red Band, I see it. First time in New York, too.

That's got to be fun for you. Yeah, it's fucking retarded. Yeah. It really is. You're going to New York for the first time to do Madison Square Garden two nights in a row. That is as exciting as a good. So fun. How's life here in Austin?

Oh, great. I don't know. I'm getting to do more spots here. So, I don't know. It's awesome. It's very hot. It wasn't as hot last summer, which is my first one here. It is crazy.

Other than that, it's swell. Yeah. We have very hot summers here. How long have you been in Austin? Just two years? Like, yeah, a year and a half now. Yeah. Yeah, the summers are fucking nuts.

But you're doing it, Pat. I mean, you're absolutely crushing. Another unbelievable set. You deserve anything. Thank you. There goes. The great proud of Neil, ladies, and gentlemen, I'll be with us at MSG.

Watch the replay right now, killtony live.com. He'll be with us in Vegas as well, November 13th and 14th. Then, of course, he'll be here at the Moody Center, New Year's Eve. Tickets go on sale August 18th. Use the promo code Kill 2.6. How about a hand for the Kill Tony debut of Jeff R. Curry, ladies and gentlemen. Right now is the time.

If you haven't already, go to Netflix right this second. Go watch Nice to Meet You. He's truly one of the best stand-ups working today. The drawing from Ryan Jee Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Hell yeah. Is that Jeff? Fuck out. Jeff R. Curry.

I nailed it. Could have been me. Could have been... I see Jeff, though. That's Jeff. How about one more time of Chris Rogers? Ryan J. E. Belt, our artists that draw the episodes as they happen. Oh, boy. We had fun.

That was a blast, pal. So fun. They grabbed me to. Absolutely. We'll do it again sometime soon. Poof. What do you got for us? I got a new album out called Yachtrodrod, Cap Red 7 on Spotify. YouTube everywhere. AI album?

A new album, yes. Wow. Unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Soon he might write an AI book. A.I. maybe. We're having fun here. I write the lyrics.

I know. I know. I know. Okay. How about one more time for Red Band? The great Jeff R. Curry. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? And you, the live audience.

We love you. God bless this audience. God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.