KILL TONY - #782 - RON WHITE + JERRON HORTON

Episode Date: August 25, 2026

Ron White, Jerron Horton, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Monica Colt, Steve Glass, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:  SuperCast: Watch Kill Tony ad free and get tons of exclusive perks. Get Kill Tony + for $5/month now at https://killtony.supercast.com/  PrizePicks: Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup!  Shopify: Own your customer relationships. Own your revenue. Start with a free trial at https://shopify.com/killtony  Morgan & Morgan: You can go to https://ForThePeople.com/Tony to start your claim.  Ethos: Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/killtony . Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Trustpilot rating as of 8/1/2026. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill T'Ton. Hey, this is a red man coming to your lives from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. Our brand new episode of Kill Danny, Gera Tani. And make some noise for them, huh?

Carlos Sosa, Trace Laches, Michael Gonzalez, the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John D's on the Keys, and that is D. Madness, live in the flush, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. We have a hell of a show for you before we get started. and here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Well, hello there. I got to tell you, it is a scorching sports summer, and you can make all your picks on prize picks. Women's basketball and baseball are heating up, and every football preseason game is kicking off this month on prize picks. America's number one sports pick app.

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Download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup prize picks America's number one sports picks app. All right, before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up, you get every new episode ad free and uncensored.

We're giving members a brand new angle of the show. that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes, behind-the-scenes stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month.

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Every single week, I book two of the funniest human beings on Planet or this week, absolutely positively no different. One is one of my oldest friends in comedy. We were door guys together at the comedy store. and he's one of my favorite roast writers and comedians. And the other one is my dream father, literally a guy that I look up to every single day. I golf with him.

He is truly one of the greatest comedians of all time. Make some noise for the great Ron White and Geron Hort. Oh my goodness. One more time for Ron White tonight to the Kill Tony universe. welcome welcome Geron one of the great roast writers of the world fresh off of writing a bunch of jokes for the roast of Kevin Hart

and of course the roast of Tom Brady welcome Thank you man fuck yeah it's good the fucking lights are bright on this is a fucking show it's it this is it you're in the eye of the storm

you don't get this in LA or Atlanta or anywhere else anywhere else this is it it's good to be back in your good graces yeah Tony What do you mean? Like, well, I mean, this motherfucker

stopped talking to me for six years because I wouldn't let him beat me in Madden. That is true. Him and I have an unbelievable old rivalry on online PS5 slash Xbox, college football, and Madden. And he is very good.

I got to tell you, these blacks are very good at, the blacks are very good at video games. I don't know if they have an extra muscle in their thumbs or something like that, but they are built for that type of stuff. I mean, they're tremendous on the field and on the couch when it comes to football.

The great Ron White is here, ladies and gentlemen. The man that convinced us all the move here, he got the party started, got us all out here. The man, the myth, the legend. Ron, welcome back. Your wisdom is appreciated here. The wisdom is ignored.

No, no, it's great to be back. It's great. I've been watching this show grow for a decade or so in L.A. And I was always a big fan of it. So whenever I can. We're going to have. Yeah. Doing absolutely nothing else.

I'll fucking know. We're going to have some fun tonight. About 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. It is unbelievable. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the second. sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We all

talk to them about what we saw. Maybe find out more about them. They go from being a 60-second stand-up comedian to a guest on the number one live podcast in the world in 60 seconds. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I'm going to let this guy out of the Zoltar machine pick the first name out of the bucket. of this Armenian wizard that we have here tonight. Absolutely incredible. While we wrangle that first bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner who's ready to give us a new 60 seconds. We haven't seen them in a while. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for the long-awaited return of JJ Alexander. Here we go, 60 seconds for JJ. I'm trying to hit the gym again. It's not going good. I feel really

awkward at the gym all the time. Like, I hate the process of waiting in line to use the machines, you know? I was waiting in the line to use this one machine. It's like the hip adductor. I just call it the good girl, bad girl machine. It's like, good girl, bad girl. You know what machine? You know that machine at every gym that was invented by the horniest guy of all time?

He's like, I bet we can get these bitches to pop their pussies in a plane and fit. It's like, give him $17 million yesterday, you know? But anyways, I'm waiting to use that machine at the gym. There's this lady on it. What I wanted to tell her was like, hey, I already have the bottle in the rag.

I can just wipe it down before I use it. It's no big deal. But all I ended up saying her was, hey, don't wipe it down. Those are the only words I said to that woman. And in my head, I was like, hey, good job, JJ. You talk to a woman today. Keep fighting. That's good.

She getting her cardio just running out to the parking lot as fast as she could. You know, it's fun. Thank you guys so much. Spent my time. Thank you. J.J. Alexander. Shocking us with gym material today. Yeah, dude.

I'm in a weight loss challenge right now, dude. Really? How much weight have you learned? I've lost 16 pounds. Let's go. How are you doing it? What are you doing? I've been eating nothing but beef and cheese.

That's it. Just beef and cheese. And milk. A lot of milk. Good luck. Taking a shit. This is actually wild. I found out the other day

that I've been pooping wrong my entire life. Tell us about that. Yeah. So, you know, I, this is... So at one time when I was a boy, I couldn't go. So, like, what I did is I would squat up. You know, like, imagine this is the toilet seat.

Oh, no. No, there's no way. I'd hit the, this, I call this the gargoyle. That's what I hit. You know, and the thing is you gotta take your socks and shoes off to do it effectively, because you slide off in his bed. But yeah, every day I've been doing that. How long have you been gargoyling for?

I've been hitting the gargoyle since I was eight years old, and I remember the day, yeah. How long you've been working with the stool? Yes! That's good stuff, man. So you still gargoyle? Yeah, no, and only in times of need now, you know? You're a big guy.

Have you broken toilets? Not broken in toilet, but I do hit it at work all the time. It's crazy. What do you do for work? I work at the Dutch Bros. Coffee Shop, hey? Come on. Wow. Yeah, God, I hate my job, dude.

I hit the moment. Like, I started doing more, like, obviously because of this show, and I've been touring a lot, going out on the road, doing hell gigs. It's been great, you know. But I just show up in my job and I hate it. And I have to be nice to every single person that comes through the line. And it'll just be like this annoying white lady

that comes to my line every single day. And she's like, you don't know what I want already. I'm like, ma'am, you're the 17th white woman in a Subaru I've seen today, okay? You're not special. Wow. But I'm fired up about it. So I have to like find ways of getting back at them.

So like if I tell a customer to have a great day, that's what I mean. It means have a great day. But if I tell a customer to like have a good day, that means go fuck yourself. That's what that means. I get it out. I'm not getting ridden up.

Where are you from? You have a little bit of like an odd Italian accent for what appears to be... Hey. Oh, hey. Even though you look like an albino-french bulldog. This is incredible. Where are you from?

I'm from Colorado Springs, Colorado. Yeah. Yeah, that's where the Air Force Academy is, all that stuff. Okay. Olympic Training Center. That's what that's there. Wow. Is that okay?

You should teach them how to gargoyle? up there? Yeah. I want to fix people's bodies. This is a secret. Here's the tough part about it is once you do it one time, you can't go back ever again. Try it one time. What? The goil. You hit the goil one time.

You never go back to pooping the regular way, and I've been trying. I'm trying to stop. Nobody here wants to shit like you. It's because they can't. Wait a minute. Oh, no. Yeah, no, no, never mind.

Are you talking about a squatty potty? Is that what you're talking about? No, I just stand on the seat. That's a way to save money, dude. Wow. I don't got $15. I work at the Dutch Bros. Corporation. Are you kidding me?

Oh, my goodness. Hit the $3 tip button, okay? I can't tell you how much pain I'm in being on the other side of the iPad every day. How long have you been working at this country shop? I'm working at the Dutch Bros. I'm working at the Dutch Bros. I'm working at the Dutch Bros. Do you hear?

that accent that you kind of have. I've been working there for two years. Like, at what part of Colorado, I don't understand. Did you hang out with Italians or something? No, never. Where did that come from? Do you watch, like, Donnie Brasco before breakfast every day? Like, what's going on there? No, I drank too much soda backstage, and then my voice sounds weird. I'm really it. I've been crushing Diet Coke up there. I'm like, they're going to cut me off soon. This guy drank so many Diet Coke's he turned Italian. That is incredible. It's the old French cigarette, eh? Ain't got any talk about.

Wow. Unbelievable, JJ. Well, you got tonight's show started for us. I love what you did. You got it out. You did the jokes. You fucking, you enunciated. You were cleared in your 60 seconds.

Great stuff. JJ Alexander. Thank you, Tony. Appreciate it. Love you guys. Thank you so much. All right, people. You guys know what happens now.

This is when we get to the bucket. I mean, absolutely anything can happen. It could be a crazy person. It could be the absolute future of comedy. Either way, we could find the next great talent or absolute unprepared insanity. That's what the show is. You guys ready for it?

Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Mio Love, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mio Love. I want a guy to be so obsessed with me. Then before going down on me, he leaves my C-section like an envelope. Ha! I'm stressing out.

Trump's... dressing me out. Everybody keeps saying that his neck looked like a pussy. My Vigi don't look like that. So I think I might be growing a dick. My suspicions keep growing. I went the other day to buy some new panties of lingerie. And as soon as I tried him on, my dick popped out. It was like the ponte was Moses and he was parting the red sea. Think by now it should be gay or a lesbian. But I'm bad with sisters and I'm a allergic to plastic.

So I'm trying celibacy, you know, but she slips. So I grew on a full bush, like a chastity-bout. Ain't working. I'm out here giving magic carpet rights. It's a whole new world. Thank you so much, guys.

All right. Mio, love. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Second time, Tony. Oh, okay. You drew your eye, brows on differently tonight. I didn't recognize you. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up now, Mio? Six years. Six years. Wow. Amazing. I like your style. Mio. You look

like an X-Men character from Tijuana, Mexico or something like that. Welcome, welcome. What do you do for work? What hair salon do you work at exactly? I am actually going to graduate from barbering school. So if you need a haircut, I got you telling you. I fucking. I fucking. I fucking. nailed it? Is that what you're saying? Wow. I still got it. I still got it. Wow. I thought I was making a joke. And you're like, actually, I'm about to get my diploma in that. I'm going to be, I got my barber degree. I fucking love it. This is absolutely incredible meal. How many kids do you have? Two. Only two. Two girls. Two what? Two girls. Okay. How old are they? And five and seven

And the five-year-old's birthday is the 21st Okay, I was just going to ask When's the five-year-old's birthday? It's perfect. Is your hair cut that way So people could see your eyebrows? I believe so. I believe so.

Good question, Red Band. Anyway. I saw Michael Gonzalez's dad staring at you so hard during your set that you might have a third baby on the way. Mr. Gonzalez. just a stare down can impregnate a fucking little chalupa like you, Mio Lo. And he's wearing a Yankees hat.

Yes. Are you a Yankees fan? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Puerto Rican. You're Puerto Rican. Of course.

Oh, amazing. How Puerto Rican are you exactly? Born and race. Born and race. Wow. Okay, what do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you? Like, what do you do? What's your behavior?

Like, what do you do, like, in an average day in which you think is... The most Puerto Rican thing is... that I do is that I fly spirit or frontier and that when we land in Puerto Rico, we still clap. If you fly American Airlines, you won't get the Puerto Rican experience. Wow. That is a great answer. That is a great answer. You did so good with that answer that I'm going to do a couple more cultures here.

I'm going to ask you this. Even though you're not black, what is the blackest thing about? What's something you do? Okay, you have an answer already. This is good. Historically, Puerto Ricans are black. We black, his, tainos, and Spaniards.

And the blackest thing about me, I will have to say, I'm always late. I would say the bullet hole in your shoulder is probably... The blackest thing about you. It's definitely... The bullet hole. She really does the bullet hole in her shoulder, ladies and the chuffman. Oh my God.

What is that from? What is that? So, actually, it's from deployment. I went to Afghanistan. What? Oh, my God. She got flued out. What?

She got flued out. She's the only person on the fucking Black Hawk House. helicopter that clapped when it landed. Yay. I'm going to fucking cut some of these guys' hair. The Ganymen are hairy. You want the bar? I just got the barber diploma.

The thing is that he's so accurate right now. Mio Love. So what's your love life like, Mio Love? So, um, you want the love story that you cost. You cost it. Okay. I announced my divorce on killed Tony. You did?

How long ago were you on the show? 693. What? Episode 693. Okay. Can you give a ballpark of when that was? I really don't know, Tony. I'm bad with Matt.

You know the number of the episode, but you can't give a ballpark. Was it a year ago? I only remember because it's like divisible by three. It's like 6.9.3. Like that's... Oh my God. Yeah. And so I went and I told everybody that I was divorced.

And I got hundreds of depicts. Like, I'm gonna say, cute Tony is a better dating up than Bumble. For real. Well, yeah, when you only talk about your dilapidated pussy and have your tits halfway out, that's what you're gonna get. Chiron doesn't get any of those after doing this show. Like, the options, I'm gonna tell you truth. I really was hoping for like a Luigi Mangione.

But, no, no, I got... You've already been shot. I've already been shot. I was hoping for a Louisianian. but I got a Mario, a bunch of plumbers. No, I got a red band, like for real. Like a red band. Whoa.

It was really, really bad. It was really, really bad. You can find a hair line. It was just... Okay. All right. So, Mia, what's your love life like right now? I am looking for love.

It looks like you've been fucked in the face a lot. No, no. What the fuck is going on here, Red Band? Let's do sound effects for the next, like, 30. Because you're just out of it. I think you start the vodka Red Bulls a little early. The vodka fucks them up. And the Red Bull gives them the energy and confidence to say things, everybody.

The worst combination for Red Band. Really? Okay. So, Mia Love, when you say you're looking for love, what does that mean? Are you on the apps? Are you talking to guys out in pub? What's your dream guy? What does he look like?

So my dream guy, physically, I'm not, like, really into anything. Like, I can do the whole rainbow. I just want You want a gay man No no fuck no No hey you're gay No way Jose Hell no

Okay You want a real me Wow the band Has something for that They've been waiting Years to be able to do that No way Jose Jingle

Okay So you don't care What he looks like But You know I mean not that fuck up Like not rapping But at the same time

Like I care more about What's the inside That what is in the outside. Wow, the inside of their wallet, I'm guessing, as what you know. Tony, I got my own money. I cut here,

bro. Like, let me come to you. You're funny, Mio, love. I like your style. You really got to find a way to let your real personality come out on stage because you're hilarious. The jokes are a little tired, but you're fucking funny.

Thank you. Thank you. Let that shine through, man. However you do it, I don't know. I completely. I completely agree with Ron. You were hitting home runs here during the interview part, and the set was, you know, set was a set. But like your natural stuff,

like if you talked about being Puerto Rican and clapping on the plane. Spirit Airlines. You know, that fucking stuff is great comedy. Thank you. Thank you. I will. Thank you. I will take it, Tony.

Yep. You got it. Here's a big joke book, Mia Love. There you go. Thank you, everybody. It has begun. There goes Mia Love, everybody. Hello there again.

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So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash kill Tony. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash kill Tony. Now are you your next bucket pool? Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Ooh la la. Shui, shui. Wawwaw.

Follow her at Heidiregina.com and everything. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Elisar Guzman, everybody. Elizar Guzman. Hey, everybody. I am also Puerto Rican. But I know I look like a Jew hiding in Mexico. Anybody here?

fans of history? Fucking nerd. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan. I like to get high and learn about history. This is a real thing I learned. In most cultures, most societies in the world, in order to have a king,

you'd have to have an ancestral relationship. Yeah, because you've got to keep the bloodline pure. I don't know if you guys know about genetics, you get fucked up people when that happens, right? But I want you to imagine what it would be like to work for that king. Let me take you back a thousand years. guy goes up to the king.

Sire! Sire! The French have attacked. And the king goes, Yay! Because he's retarded. I noticed I had to fill in the blanks for the back room.

But yeah, thank you. That's my time. Elizar, am I saying that right, Elizar? You did. First time, actually. Elizard Guzman. You've been on this show before? Yeah, twice. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome back. Tell us what do we know about you, Elizar?

What do we know already? How long have you been doing stand-up? In September, it would be 13 years. 13 years. Wow. What do you do for work? I used to be a cook. Now I'm just doing temp work and trying to do work on the road on the weekends.

Nice. How often are you getting out on the road? It's maybe like two or three weekends a month. Okay. Where's the last place you went? Wichita, Kansas. What did you learn about Wichita when you were there? What are your thoughts about Wichita?

They really repressed the gay a lot. What do you mean? There was like three people at the show that were like, my husband told me he was gay. And like my brother just told me he was gay, but it was like everybody was in shock, you know. Will you get me a flight to Wichita? I need to go meet some of these newly gay dudes.

Some fresh ass, you know what I'm saying? All right. I love it. What do you do for fun, Elazar? For fun. I am sort of, I am, I'm a nerd. I like to learn about history and weird shit like that. You really are into history.

What's the craziest thing about history that you've learned recently that you could share with these people? As you heard, there was literally a guy when you, you know, asked the rhetorical question anyone into history. Two of my fans, this is how unbelievable my base is, literally go, no. So if you could teach these brilliant, brilliant minds,

a lot of camo hats out here tonight. if you could teach them something amazing about history. Sure. You guys heard the winners of wars, right, history? Again, no, you can't ask the questions. Like, you have to just give them the information. Well, that makes me not trust it, right? Because, for example, when they found Hitler's body,

they said he had a micro penis. But of course they're going to say that. What else are they going to say? Yeah, he killed six million people. But he had a huge cock. Because then that technically makes him the winner. All right. Okay.

You only know about Hitler's dick from history. That's like what you read about. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, yeah. Do you know any, you have any black history facts? You want to share with the... Black history facts. Yeah. You're a studier of all history.

I'm interested in... Black history. history too. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. What do you know about black history? All I know is that I'm supposed to be part black being Puerto Rican and uh that makes me a part of your history, right? That's true. Y'all motherfuckers be denying that shit. Y'all leaving us out to dry. Shit, I ain't denying it, bro. And they're only leaving you up to dry because they don't have running water in Puerto Rico. You guys are the exact same color.

No, actually, I have a farmer's tan, so... Wow, that is something else. Yeah, yeah. So, Elazar, the last comedian up here was also Puerto Rican. I'm going to ask you what I asked her. What is the most Puerto Rican thing about you? Like something that you do, perhaps a daily behavior, or something in your routine,

or something that you sometimes do that you consider, you're like, wow, that comes from my Puerto Rican roots. White people and black people, don't be doing that. White people and black people, that's tough. Something that you do. Puerto Rican. What do I do? Like, you ever take spaghetti and meatballs

and then wrap it in a tortilla and eat it? Something like that. No, I'm trying to watch my carbs right now. Fuck you, dude. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about me? That's what I'm wondering. Oh, I don't speak Spanish. That's a very common Puerto Rican thing.

Is that? I don't know. Actually, my parents used to talk Spanish around me just so they can talk shit so that I couldn't understand them. Wow. So, yeah, basically, you know, he didn't clean his room, but it was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I didn't know what they were saying. Do you remember anything that they said, something they used to call you or something? Nothing at all, huh?

I mean, I had one relative called me Ricky Retardo, but. Okay. That stuck with you, huh? Yeah, a little bit. I love it. I love it. Other than history, you have any hobbies or anything? You have, like, you ever parkour or Pokemon or rollerblade or anything like that?

Dude, if I parkour, I would die first day. I don't have the upper body strength or any other kind of strength. But for, like, physical activity, I do basketball. Basketball and I like to run. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. What type of running do you do?

Do you go to a track or do you just go on the street? Oh, actually I do Uber Eats. I do Uber Eats walking and I run to each location. Really? Yeah, that's why your food is late. I'm sorry. Wow. And why do you not drive?

Why do you not drive the Uber Eats? I don't have a bike. I run. But no, I used to have a lot of anxiety, like a chronic anxiety. And I used to have panic attacks all the time. And for most of my life, I couldn't drive or do any. kind of like behind the wheel. And then I went to a bunch of therapy,

and now I can drive. I just don't have a car yet. You don't have a car? No. That's the most Puerto Rican thing about you. Congratulations. You have an answer for the next time somebody asks you.

All right, Elazar. You had fun up here. Jews hiding. Yeah, Jew hiding in Mexico. Fun. You did good. Here's a big joke book, buddy. Thanks.

There you go. Elizzo Guzman, everybody. All right, a couple repeat guests that have been on a couple years ago. And now this looks like a brand new name. I'm pretty sure of it. Let's see what happens here. This is a minute from out of the bucket. Anthony Wincoup, everybody.

Here comes Anthony Wincoup. I've worked in a lot of different kitchens. So I know that technically all food is Mexican food. I mean, I'll put it like this. If you go to a restaurant, you sit down, you don't want to hear cold play coming from the kitchen. Okay, you want to hear peso pluma? You want to hear a bad boy? I mean, if it's my restaurant

and I'm going through resumes and I got to pick between Tyler from Seattle or Jesus de la Sonora, Tyler is going to hit his elf bar in the walk-in till it dies and have a panic attack in the middle of the dinner rush. But...

But... But Jesus? Jesus, 9 models, no problemos. Conducil the other all good. Yeah.

Thank you. Wow, what's that? Anthony Wincoup, doing it. Welcome, Anthony. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Hell yeah, we're at. Las Vegas.

Okay. And you still live in Vegas? I just moved out here like almost a year ago. Nice. Were you born and raised in Vegas? Yes, sir. I love it. How old are you? 30 foe. 30 foe. 30 foe. Very good. And what do you, what have you done for work most of your life? Obviously, I'm a chef. I'm a habachi chef. Oh, wow. Here in Austin? Yes, and I am the diversity hire for the company. Oh, that's amazing. I love, I mean, who doesn't love habachi? This is our chief habachi correspondent, Brian Redband here. Oh, there you go. Very good.

Yeah, that's what he does. What kind of special tricks do you do when you're habachiing? You throw in the shrimp in the baby's mouth and everything? A really big one is speaking English. They love that. They love that. Obviously, the onion volcano, but I usually just bring sake and get everybody drunk. Nice. Smart.

Absolutely great. Now, how long have you been in the habachi business? Three years. Do you find that it's a lot of pressure cooking in front of people rather than behind closed doors? It's actually way bad. It's way better to cook for people. You get the instant gratification. You get to see how happy they are.

Yes, yes, yes. That's a rewarding part. Yes, sir. Amazing. I love it. I always wonder when people are born and raised in Vegas what their parents are like, because I always picture just absolute degeneracy going on out there. That's pretty accurate.

I mean, more or less, I would say, you know, like loose mob ties are pretty normal. Yeah, that's kind of what you're putting. I had a lot of Uncle Tony's, a lot of Uncle Jimmies, a lot of Uncle Joey's. Yeah. Yeah. And they're not really my uncles. Amazing. And your parents, your mom is?

My mom is like one of those Oregon Trail white people where they don't even have, they don't even know their European ties anymore. Right. And my dad is a Vietnamese immigrant. Whoa. So I'm one of those rare half Asians where my dad is the Asian one. Wow. Yeah, that's very rare. Very rare.

It's amazing. I think I've covered this recently on the show, Asian. men all dream of having a white woman. And it's almost impossible for them to accomplish that. And meanwhile, there's your dad who... Imagine Jackie Chan hooking up with Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, that's amazing. Thought you were Puerto Rican, though.

You did appear to be our third Puerto Rican in a row. It's the necklace. It's just the necklace. Which is the most Puerto Rican thing about you, by the way? What do you think is the most Vietnamese? thing about you. Is there ever a thing that you do out there? You ever, like, kill an American soldier or anything like that or, you know, anything wacky?

I'm randomly really good at pedicures. Yeah. Okay, yeah. That is definitely, that counts. A hundred percent. That would be the most Vietnamese thing about you. Amazing. Do you have any other special skills or talents or hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that knows out of freestyle rap? I can, but...

Right. I can guess someone's body count just by listening to them talk. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's very interesting. If you had to guess, uh, Geron's, what would you guess? Yeah. How many, how many posts have I had?

Listen to that voice. Listen to that Barry White-like voice. Yeah. Tell me my body count, bitch. You ain't guessing this motherfucking shit correctly. I love how he's like calculating in his head, too. He's got like the six. He's got the sex.

He's tapping into like. my balls. Eleven? But you were in love with every single one of them. Eleven? Yeah. God damn, bro.

You are... Well, this is... Hey, this... I'm married. Yeah. You nailed it. Good job. A lot.

He nailed it. Yeah, you're welcome. Incredible. I'm going to make sure Ron doesn't say anything because... Yeah, I'm going to need a calculator for that one. Blue-collar comedy days.

I bet you were ripping it, Ron. Oh, I don't know. No way. good clean Christian behavior What we're going to be 4,700-20, man. Really fucking good. I definitely did enjoy it, man.

I thought it was great. It's okay to be an asshole if you want to, me, if I want to, but I'm just not an asshole. So I just let me go to say, good job, man. Cheers, brother. I love that. We'll remember that later when someone terrible comes up here and

the non-asshole Ron White's holding on for his dear life. down there. I'm not an asshole, but you fucking suck. Anthony, tell us one more crazy fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. I'm also a musician. What kind of musician?

Rock or rap? Really? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I got to hear you rap a little bit. Michael, give me a beat, but that's not too loud, Michael, for the love of God. 140? It's got to be... E minor. Wow, 140 E minor. Holy shit. He's calling for it. He's

Calling the play like a head coach of a college football team. 140E minor, cordalroyd panther, 26 Blitz Creek, X-wing, tie fighter on Y. All right, here he goes. Nice and easy. I play the option for points on the board. Not watching the game. Don't matter who scored. Head in the clouds, hands in the kitchen.

Don't order a row. Don't know what you missing. Glock 18 in the front seat. Hit kill Tony with smoked meat. Still has time the caps in the fanny pack. 30 printing bag in a Gucci bag. I'm heating up. I feel like the earth.

Come get your girl. She's dying of thirst. Don't you know I got a queen Latin booty taste so mean We don't mind a third We don't mind a eight We don't mind a shower Evening escapades

Hit the blunt and make a beat Hit the blunt and take a seat Hit the blunt and make a skeet Hit the blunt and make a beat Oh, that's fantastic Yeah Yeah, great stuff Yeah

I love it. You did it here today You did it Anthony Thank you, chef Yes Anthony, very fun time Great stuff. Perfect set, perfect interview. Here's a big joke book. Come back. Welcome to Austin, Texas.

Anthony Wincoup, ladies and gentlemen. Half Vietnamese rapper. You don't see that very often, ladies and gentlemen. All right. You know, every week I watch people come up here and absolutely destroy their self-esteem. Unfortunately, Morgan and Morgan cannot help with that. But if you're actually injured

because of someone else's negligence, that's just a different story. Right, Red Band? Yes. Morgan and Morgan has been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. They've got more than a thousand lawyers, a hundred offices nationwide. They've recovered over 35 billion for their clients. So if your car gets totaled, you get hurt at work, or someone else's bad decision becomes your very expensive problem.

You should check out Morgan and Morgan. You can go to for the people.com slash Tony to start your claim. their fee is free unless they win. And again, hurt feelings do not count. So it's a no-brainer. Go to for the people.com slash Tony and see if your claim is a winner. Your next bucket hole goes by the name of Stephen Barry.

We're having fun here tonight. Here comes Stephen Barry, everybody. How's it going, everybody? Anybody else going through a midlife crisis? Yeah, just me. Okay. Well, this is what it looks like. I wasn't sure at the time, but it kind of came out gay.

I'm not going to be honest. These shoes, the earrings, everything. I've got to be careful about the clothes that I choose. I have two teenage daughters, and a lot of people don't know that. They think I'm their same age. If they're in their 20s, I'm late 20s. If they're 30s, guess what, late 30s? But if I'm 40, or if they're 40, I'm not 40 anymore.

Down to 30 again. By the time they're 50 and 60, I'm down to 20, okay? It's crazy. I actually have two kids. My youngest, we went to Six Flags last year, and the two tweenagers across from us looked at us and said, are you all siblings? My kid was in elementary school last year,

so I took the compliment, okay? Guys don't get a whole lot of compliments. Next time you see one walking along, give them a compliment. There we go. I was waiting for that kid. Well, I got to tell you, if you're looking for a compliment, Let me take this one.

Oh, Ron White. No, there's no right or way, a wrong way to do stand-up, but, boy, that's about horrible. I've been a horrible job. I didn't notice the fingernails and the shoes and all that matter. It's okay to come out here and talk about who you are, so that's a good thing. But have some fucking punchlines.

Okay. All right. Yeah, for sure, man. It's just not believable that you look like your kids. How old are your kids? Step up to that microphone right there. They're 13 and 15. And you think that you look like them?

I got so lost to her in that bit. The math of that bit. I had no idea. No, I'm just saying other people think that we look like siblings instead of me being their father. Huh. But what were the numbers saying? Where it was 5 when they're 40 or 48?

And then back, I got lost in that. I can do backwards math. What is it? Half your age plus 7. Then you can date. I don't know. I didn't want to get into all the numbers. I'm over 40.

Stephen, take that mic stand and put it on the red X over the. Take the whole thing. Put it over there. You're a little too close to us. All right. Thanks. Yeah, you're welcome. Okay, so Stephen, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I've been trying to do comedy for a year, last mark. A year. What made you start now? I have to get fired about six or seven times. You start, you know, maybe a career change.

And you think the hardest thing to do in the world is the right way to do it? Well, I don't know. HR at a bank is not very easy. but this I feel more comfortable. Did you have the painted fingernails, the earrings, and all that when you were doing that? Are you trying to find yourself? No, when I was over the dress code and DEI, I did not dress like this. How far away do your kids make you park when you drop them off from school? They live across the street from school, so they walk.

Oh, wow. So you're just sitting on the front porch with binoculars all day. Yeah. Do you let them wear your Jordan's the school? No, I drive for Uber during the day, but I drive for Uber when I'm around them, too. They just need me for rides pretty much. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you while driving Uber? I had to move a lady 103 miles to Vega, Texas.

She got kicked out of her apartment, and my Toyota Camry handled all of it, baby. We packed it all the way up. Okay. And then she diverted to Dallas, and I dropped her off at a bus stop, but I'm sure she's okay. What do you mean you diverted to Dallas? I don't know. She canceled the ride and said, take me to Dallas. And so I said, okay. I do what I'm told. I worked in HR. A lot of women. A lot of women. Wow. What are the other six jobs you got fired from? Anything good?

I worked at the Federal Reserve for 10 years. What did you do there? Protected the money. Okay. No, I'm just kidding. They never got robbed. I was over HR. I did all the compensation. So bonuses, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, not funny. That's why I left. Now you're worried about not being funny all of a sudden?

And this economy? Okay, so Stephen, give us a fun fact about your life that we might find interesting. Anything at all. You've seen this show before. Yeah, yeah. Okay, the interviews work. All right. Good story. Anything at all. I was electrocuted when I was eight, climbed a light pole and a stop sign. As soon as my feet left the ground, I could not let go.

And then I dropped off and I had two holes burned in my hand like somebody. we might know. Wow. But I made it. You do, look, is that like a freaky Friday moment where you swap bodies with your kid? No, my mom knocked me off, though.

But when she knocked me off, it could have been a freaky Friday, but yeah, I just had nightmares I died for six months. No big deal, though. Okay. All right. Trauma for the win, right?

How old are you again? 46. 46 years old, Stephen Berry. 13 going on 30. For a year into the game. Who would play me in a movie? Now, I was made in the 70s and I came out in the 80s. Okay.

All right, Stephen. That's another swing and a miss there, Steve. So you're 46 years old. You have a lot of life experience to draw from here. Any hobbies? Are you good at anything? You have any special skills? No, call it duty mobile.

I'm legendary. Schnauzberry 13. No, let's not do video games. Something else. Yeah, video games are for child, for children. Keep going. Some call them that. The question is.

Are you good at anything? Improv comedy? Okay. I didn't want to say that. I hear it gets some booze sometime, but that's what I'm best at. I'm learning stand-up. Really? This is what you get.

Improv. Oh, yeah. Let's start now, shall we? I perform. And let's go. Here's the setup. You ready for it? Fucking anything in the world that you want.

No, go. Give me a word. I need a word. You need a word. Yes. All right. Let's do. Let's do red band come up with a word.

Let's do a trombone. Oh, by the way, improv takes two people, so that's why I'm not doing it on the show. But you can do it with me. You know that you can just do it? Okay, well, let's try it. Yeah, let's try this. Let's try this.

One person improv, never been done. Trombone. Man, I'm glad you brought that trombone. I'm more of a trumpeter. Okay, all right. All right. So, Stephen, let's try it one more. more time. I perform at retirement homes only.

Do you really? Yeah, I have three shows this weekend in Fort Worth. I kill. You really do? Sometimes they... I don't... Okay, Stephen. No, no, I'm serious. I do have shows. You really perform at retirement homes? Yes. How do you get those gigs? We started performing to get stage time. Who's we? Oh, my troupe. We're called five-star review. Oh, you really do improv. Yeah, R-E-V-U-E. I bet they carry a lot of the weight. I'm telling it. If you could get to these old folks home, people. I would let you in, but you're not old enough.

But no, it's wonderful. Okay, I got to get you out of here. I love you. Stephen Barry, everybody. There's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. Stephen Barry catches troop at a retirement community near you. I'm like, what are you good at?

What do you do? Fucking anything. He's like improv. Okay. All right. Your next bucket. goes by the name of Danny Vee, everybody. Clearly, anything can happen here.

Danny V. Thank you, thank you. I pull my pants all the way down at the urinal. I don't have a big dick, but I have a nice ass. This one's rough. Charlie Kirk died. I wonder if he's pissed about transitioning from alive to dead.

Something I'm going through. right now. I have two roommates. One's an elderly black lady. Another one is a deaf guy. And one of them, the smoke detector needs to be changed. And I do not know who to go to about it. So Chuck Norris died, R.P. to the goat. It's rumored that when they were trying to lower him down into the ground, they couldn't lower him any further. So they had to push the earth up six feet. So, all right, that's my time. Danny V. You were on last week, two weeks ago?

Yeah, and this went better than that, didn't it? I think so, yeah, yeah. I think so, too. Yeah. You're incredibly lucky for getting cool two times, two mothership shows in a row. Remind us, how long you been on stand-up? Three years. Where at?

Mostly in Austin, but I started out in Vegas. Wow, another guy that started in Vegas. Incredible. do for work, Danny? DoorDash and Fiverr. Wow. Almost everybody's delivering food here today. Incredible.

And what's changed in your life since you were on two weeks ago? Honestly, not too much. I mean, I'm just, like, I got tickets to go to, like, a big rock concert that I'm excited for. What's the rock concert? Aftershock. It's not here in Texas. It's in California. Okay.

Tell us about Aftershock. What do you know about Aftershock? So there's like, it's a four-day festival. There's going to be a shit ton of bands. Wu-Tang clans go. Okay. Now we're talking. So it's the name of a festival.

Yeah. Got it. Okay. Who other than Wu-Tang Clan will be there? I'm trying to think of people you might know. What the fuck's that supposed to me? I don't know. There's some pretty niche bands.

Like a band that I'm really excited to see is Baby Metal. Baby Metal? I'm a huge fan of Baby Metal. Oh, you are? Yeah. Absolutely. We know Baby Metal very well. Dude, they play a fucking kick-ass show.

It's so much fun. Three little Japanese girls. Uh-huh. Yeah, we know them. They cover system of a down. Am I right? Yeah. See, you didn't think I fucking knew about that.

That's fun. You have a girlfriend, Danny B? No. So last time I was on, I told you about I was in a situation ship. And then, like, that night pretty much just ended. Remind everybody what you said about the situation ship. So, like, we're cool with each other. We, like, it was.

kind of like we were each other's primary dating person and then like we would also fuck other people on the side but like we would hang out go do some shit and then also have sex so then you did the show last time we taped on here and then what happened why did it end it seemed like everything was just fine you guys were good old fuck buddies what yeah what went wrong well like the guy who was on was jeff harker so like we talked and it just kind of made me feel like i was getting cucked and I didn't like that at all. Hold on. You talked with who? Jeff R. Curry, the guy who was on.

On the show. Yeah. And you felt like you were getting cucked. Yeah. Describe why you were feeling that way. Well, like she's doing better or she was doing better than me with dudes. So yeah. Yeah. Women have a pussy. I don't know if you know this. Yeah. Women have a vagina. They can use that anytime. They want. You look like a guy that fucking was in an incubator filled with muscle milk. And grew to a full-size, ripped toddler of some kind.

Half pint. I have a joke. If I shave my beard, I look like an old baby. I just made that joke. That's incredible. I've never seen you do that joke. And somehow, I completely agree with you. So you have decided to end things.

with this girl because Jeff R. Curry made you feel like she was doing better than you? Well, like, I mean, I just looked at the situation. I just I didn't like, I mean, it's the same thing with porn. Like, I just feel like I'm getting cut cucked the whole time.

Explain what you mean by the porn cucked thing. I mean, I'm a dude watching a dude fuck a girl. That's like the definition of cucking. Uh, I guess. I mean, not like in person, but in like a roundabout way. It's kind of cooking. So let me ask you this. What type of porn are you watching now since I do?

I'm not watching any porn. Wow. Yeah. Are you masturbating at all? Nope. What are you doing with all that extra energy? Uh, trying to like refocus it into like better areas like working out, uh, stand up. What type of workouts have you been doing? Oh, weightlifting. What kind of weights? The pink ones were like you go. Now those are your weights, but, uh, whoa. Whoa, I mean, not, I'm not, but what are you? I'm rubber and your glue. Stuck to you, you got me. I know you are, but what am I?

But like, I don't know, regular weights. Okay. How much are we talking? You doing a lot of reps? Are you doing heavy weights, low reps? More like lots of weights, low weight. Okay. There you go.

There's go. The official sound of low weight. Lots of reps. That is a rubber ducky. I love it. Okay. So I was right. There's a chance pink weights are flying around.

No? Nope. Slightly above pink weights. I guess. Like yellow. You doing 15s? No. 20s?

I mean, what exercise are we talking about? I don't know. You tell me. I'm asking you. What are you curling? For curls, like 25s. There you go. The official sound of 25.

More like curly fries, am I right? All right. All right. All right, Danny B. Well, you've gotten on twice into mothership shows you're extremely lucky. Have you ever gotten extremely lucky anywhere else in life before I let you go?

I can talk about a time I was very unlucky. Okay. Maybe two years ago. It's pretty interesting. Okay, let's do it. So when I first moved to Austin, I was living in my car. And like one night,

three kids tried to break in and steal my car. When you say kids describe it a little better for us. We're talking about 15, 20, 25?

It was a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old, and a 13-year-old. Wow. Tony wants to know what color they wore. Oh, I know what color they were. Kind of like

my old bass player over here. That's the color that de-madness sees. So it was. It was three young black men. Wow. Hard to see at night. Were you in the fetal position in your back seat?

Were you a front seat sleeper? I was sleeping in the back seat. They like tapped on the window. I woke up like crazy. I didn't know what was like. Look this big-ass baby looking-a- motherfucker. Let's rob this bitch-ass, big-ass, motherfucking bitch ass big ass baby

his baby looking ass bitch where's your wallet bitch ass baby you look at you your bearded baby bitch ass motherfucker your pink ass weights under the passenger seat lying ass bitch ass baby ass

bearded baby ass motherfucker I'm about to rob the shit out of your bitch ass baby ass all right sorry I got a little excited there why are you doing the lights keynote. All right, we're having fun here. Just some straight up good old racism. My specialty. If you've listened to CNN, you will know that is all that I do. All right. So then what happened?

So I woke up, I thought it was like the security guard trying to get me out of there or something like that. And then he pointed a Glock with like an extended bag. Oh, wow. Yeah. So it, it, I may have started new merch for you, my friend. Sounds like you have a new t-shirt. Just put my face on the baby-ass. Follow me at bitch-ass, baby-ass, bitch-ass motherfucker.com for my tour date. Okay, so we pointed the gun at you. Yeah, and just like talking a bunch of shit, like,

hey, open up the door now, I'm going to bust a cap in your ass, and then like... That's a fucking lie. We don't say that shit no more. Yeah. You talk about Buster cap. It was a cap gun. That's what he meant.

It was a cap gun because he's a little baby-ass, bitch-ass. I wouldn't even hurt this bitch-ass baby looking-and motherfucker. Man, what my electric gloves at? Let me see him. If I was wearing that puppy-ass

vest, I would have felt more confident. Wow. Puffy-ass vest. Okay, yes. Blockable. The vest would have done it. So let me ask you this. When you see the black men

outside of your car, What's the first thing you do? You take the pacifier out of your mouth. And then what? Fuck you, bro. No. I mean, I started, I was like, dude, I live in this car. I cannot give you this car.

Like, what do you need? And then he was like, I'll give you $500 if you let it, if you give us a ride somewhere. And I was like, that is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Like, that's not happening. Really? Yeah. But you do DoorDash for a living. I mean, it seems like a pretty good deal.

I'm not. You're too tired to make $500. I would have loved. I love that back when I was sleeping in my car. That's a fucking, that's like 50 hours of work or something. Yeah, that's not. That wouldn't have happened. I would have been standing there with my dick in my hand.

But anyway, so... Does you jerk off when you're around young black men? Exactly. Look at this baby as bitch jerking off as motherfucker. Get some hitting out of your pants, you bit as baby. All right. Fun times. Congratulations. You got a big joke book last time you were on, right?

I got a medium. Really? Well, guess what? pal you've upgraded you bitch-a-baby-a-m motherfucker all right we're having fun here tonight ladies and gentlemen how about one more time for the lovely hidey everybody the modern-day vana white of comedy you know as you look at red band you could tell as you get older there are certain things you put off until you realize you shouldn't for a lot of people life insurance is one of them i took out a policy on red band this week whether you've got a family a mortgage or just a silly, unhealthy friend or people that depend on you. It's one of those things that's

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Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Trust pilot rating as of August 1st, 2026. Unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a special treat for you. We have one of our elite regulars waiting right behind that curtain. He has the very, very tough job of having to write and perform a brand new minute every

single week. At one point, he was the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here you. Guys, I hate politics, but sometimes people, people, ask me political questions like this dude came to me

he said Dedrick, are you more of a boobs or a butt man right? And I don't like politics but I had to answer the man and I said, brother, I don't care what the restaurant is serving I'm here to eat

like you know like I prefer the combo meal you know what I'm saying? If I could get both boobs and butt that's a great combo meal but if the chef 86 ass today, I'm fine with the tities. Like, you know what I'm saying?

I'm fine with... It's like tots in french fries. I don't care. Put it in my mouth. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm not here for that. And that's why I hate politics. Like, it reminds me of the great political discussion,

drums or flats when it comes to wings. And I'll be like, brother, I doesn't matter. I'm by wing. We're not here for these side items. We're here for the entree, which is the vagina. Right? I don't care if, nigger, I don't care if they have broccoli or not,

nigger, bring me the steak. Thank y'all. Dedrick Flynn with a brand new minute 30. Always doing more than he has to. Amazing stuff. So fun. That is the correct answer. Yeah, I appreciate you, Tony, for saying that.

Can I say that that nigger was absolutely lying about getting robbed by three black kids? Yeah. This niggas, first of all, I don't, I've never seen three black kids in Austin. Yeah. Like, you know what I'm saying? So that nigg is clearly lying. That niggas a liar. And I just, I can't stand.

You know I love facts. Yeah. And I just, that nigg is lying. And also, three black kids don't need a gun to rob that nudge. Like, you know, I'm sure some harsh words would get that nigger out of the car. Yeah. You are absolutely correct. That is an amazing fun fact.

I think I've seen every possible type of group of de-madness is going to rob him right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck him up, dude. Hey, when you go, you bitch-ha-baby-looking-ha-motherfucker. Come to me, bitch. I'm gonna fucking steal your shit. You said Papa Kappen. is that that I think I watched one movie

and it was like I know how to get robbed by three black people I swear to God if I find your ass I'm taking everything bitch ass, baby looking at ass, all right you are correct I have never seen three young black men in the city of Austin at the same time and that is why I call it home that is why I bought property here

ladies and gentlemen I started ovulating when he ain't seen no niggas. The hell is that supposed to me. I'm sorry. I want to say RIP, hate and panitary. Yeah, that's just, I don't know. I don't know who this person is. Nigel, you ain't watched Remember the Titans.

That's why you grew up racist. Because is that what it is? Oh, man. I'm going to watch it when I get home. Not a strong side. Explain remember the Titans to me so that I can know what I've been missing. So basically, God made this movie

so he could bring black and white people together in the South, right? And so, because God made that movie. So if you watch that movie and you're still racist, God's telling you you're going to hell, right? Because between the two white, all white school and the black coat,

Disney and Washington is in there. You'll love that. Oh, now I'm interesting. Yeah, and then Hayden Ventura is like the daughter of the white coach, and he's a, and everybody gets, they go to the trials and tribulations by the end of the day. It's about football, and that's what brings. And so that's why, like, the SEC, we win football all the time.

Right. Because, you know, that movie brought us together, because if you go to the Pacific Northwest, their sports movies are different. They have, like, Airbus. And that's the movie about a golden retriever scoring a triple double on white niggas. And she asked. Ron White, do you have anything to...

You don't remember the Titan Jews the coach in that movie. No, he was the one that got fired because he couldn't accept him. He didn't accept the integration. Shit. What happened? These guys are gonna rob Danny Vee after this. They're really making friends over here. That's right.

That's right. He's five foot four. You know, that's my girl height. I love it. I love it. Man, that is hilarious. I got to watch, remember the Titans. I've heard of it a bunch.

You guys, dude, don't you. I watch this one black... I watch this one... What do you... Why do you have to say, here he goes. I'm being dead serious. I'm sorry. I was high and I spoke out from my heart,

but I meant to stop it. I watched this one football movie. with black people. It's called the NFL. And it plays every Sunday. Every Sunday I play it at my house. God, I love the NFL. I love black people.

Yeah. I love white people. They got a lot more white d-bs in the league right now. Right now, because it's pre-season. The fourth string and fifth stringers are up there. Get to watch the whites play

for a couple weeks, everybody. And they're doing... Remember the whitens. That's what I call this. That's what I call this little couple weeks. Because we will be forgetting about him when the main season's summer. So much fun. Dedrick, you absolutely like this place.

I love y'all. Thank you all. He is the man. Catch them on four. Catch him with Kiltony, Dallas, Houston, Vegas, and New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. A lot of fun upcoming road gigs coming up to close out the year. Moody Center. for the second year in a row

the biggest arena in Austin, Texas while simultaneously doing every week here at the mothership. All right, back to the bucket we go, everybody. You know how this goes. Anything gonna happen. Make some noise for a minute.

Uninterrupted for the comedy seller. Or setter, perhaps. Or setter. The comedy. What's going on? My name is Steve Francois. I'm a suburb Negro. My black.

They don't like it. They'd be real judgmental. They'd be like, yo, bro. I don't know how you cool with white people, y'all. I don't like the way white people treat us. I feel like white people treat us like dogs. And I'm like, have you seen the way white people treat dogs? Oh, man. How good is your life?

How good is your existence? You're not trying to be treated like a white dog. Yo, white people treat the dog better than they treat their family. You ever see this shit? They'll send their parents off to a home and then adopt a three-legged rescue. Name the dog tripod. Fuck yeah, man. Welcome, welcome.

Holy shit. Comedy seller. Seller of comedy. I love it. I love it. The comedy seller. Absolutely. And you said your name is Mr. Francois?

We. Oh, my goodness, he speaks French. Absolutely incredible. I'm Haitian, so you know the French colonize us, so you know how that go. Oh, my goodness. I mean, they probably don't know. You guys don't know history well, so I get it.

Wow. You know we do. We do. I appreciate you. Absolutely. Big dog. So you are a suburban friend, you said. Suburb Negro.

Okay. I'm going to call you friend. I'm going to stick it out with friend here for the sake of our sponsors. That'll work. That'll work. So, I love. Love it, man. You are fucking fantastic. How long you've been doing stand-up?

Bro, I've been doing it for like a decade-plus. I believe it. I believe it. That's exactly how it seems. You fucking flew off the map today. He's like a mix of all the Kings of Comedy into one. I love it, man. I appreciate that, Jay. Thank you, Jay. You are fantastic. So where did you start?

What part of Atlanta did you say? Asterical. I'm actually from, I'm from Dirty Jersey, originally. Really? Absolutely. I grew up in North Jersey. Okay. So that means I was raised in Italian America. You already know? Okay. Hell yeah. I have a lot of friends from North Jersey. Bergen County, son. Okay. Number one property taxed in the nation, gee, what you know about my education?

Shit. Oh my God. Wow. It's like elegant but hood. You get me? Absolutely. I like it. I like it. Thank you. Team murder. I appreciate it. Oh, T. Murder. Oh, shit. T murder. Oh, my God. My agent or my manager? Let's get it, baby. Come on, son.

Oh, my God. Dee Madness, you're lucky you came back. I was about to make him the new full-time bass player. This guy's cool as shit. Thank you. I appreciate you, Jay. Can I ask how old you are, Mr. Franswa? I'm going to be 41 this year. Oh, my goodness.

Wow, absolutely incredible. You look fantastic. So what's you been doing your whole life? My family's from Haiti, so I've been her extra Haitian. Okay. What kind of dogs and cats you've been eating? See, bro, we don't even do that.

What actually happened? Let me tell you what happened. Come on now. Let me tell you what happened. They were actually hunting like geese and shit from the park. So that's not terrible, dog. Think about it. Chinese people take cats.

Why can't we get geese? It'll be all right. We're not selling it. How do you prep a geese? How do you cook a geese? I don't cook that shit. I thought about it for a second. I thought about it for a second.

I was like, no, bro. I don't cook that shit. I eat like plantains, chicken brushes, shit like that. Okay. I'll try to eat good. Yeah, me too. I love plantains. It's a fried banana.

He said plantains, not plantations. Oh, oh. Okay. That's what... I was about to ask if you wanted to come work on my plantain for me. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

You know, listen. I don't mind being inside you. I love it. I love it. I love it. You're killing it. What does that mean exactly? He's already got the suit on, is what he's saying.

He'll be shaving your neck in no time. Oh, my DeJango. You already know, bro. I love it. So what have you been doing for a living? You started stand-up at about 30 years old or so. Yeah, I was doing theater before. I was in New York doing theater like that off-Broadway.

Amazing. Amazing. Like Hamilton or something like that? Nah, bro. Like real, like bar shows type shit. You get me? Okay, no. I don't get it.

Yeah, you don't get it. I want to understand, but I don't. Like a real off, off, bro. He's doing Magic Johnson Theater. Yeah. Ah! Oh, you guys are all out of control. What do you mean, you guys?

Not you, not you, not you, not you, my friend. You sit, you stay, sit, stay. It's a callback to the adopt-a-dog thing. That's what I'm saying. Stream me with love. Don't play that without showing his set or else that looks really bad. For sure, for sure.

But I mean, if you hire me, it won't be bad because I fuck with you. What would you do? What can I possibly hire you for? Because I'm honestly, I'm interested. I'm not going to do it, but I'm interested. I mean, I ain't going to hold you, bro. I saw you a special. You need a style of G.

I ain't going to hold you, G. I do. I do. I didn't, I ain't going to hold you, Gene. I went to, that's actually the exact same shirt. I don't change things up. I was like, I'm like, why they always call them gay? I'm like, you don't dress well enough to be gay. That is true.

That is true. I completely agree. I completely agree. I went for comfort. I went for comfort on that one. That's what I'm saying. I love it. And not even.

I tell you. Mr. Francois, tell me, how would you dress me? Because I'm taking notes here. Oh. White jacket, khaki pants,

white t-shirt. I mean, nah, not, not. Kind of a Simpsons here, dude. So.

He called me black size, so Bob. That's wild, dude. No, he meant the O.J. Simpson.

Oh, okay. Okay. Oh my God, we are having fun in here tonight, Mr. Francois. Yeah, you actually know a few of my boys. I was trying to get on, like, yo, you know Ryan, right, Ryan? It's good for me. Tell the people that I have black friends.

Please tell the world about my black friends, Mr. France. I'm talking about a white Canadian. Oh, fuck. Those are my favorites. But check it out. No, no, an immigrant. An immigrant. An immigrants.

Yeah. Ryan Long? Yes. Yeah, that's my homie. I gave him his first job in America. when he came from Canada. Okay. What was that first job?

It was a comedy job, motherfucker. Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry. Mr. Franz Schwartz. I'm saying, tone context.

Oh, my God. Here's my wallet. Take it. All right. Tong. If you offer it, I'm not saying no. I love it, man.

So tell me more about your life. You are so fun. Believe it. There was a guy up here that said he did improv earlier. Didn't say a funny thing the whole fucking time. I'm looking at you.

You are a master of the craft, naturally funny. Dog, I did do-to-door sales for five years, Jay. Oh, let's go. With crackheads,

retired baseball players. Okay. And an African dude that knows the entire dictionary, Jim. Wow. And that's all just you, those three people.

That's amazing. Tell us about the doors you were not. Well played. What were you selling door to door? Yo, I'm Haitian, brother.

Different culture, dog. Haitians change their smoke detectors, Redmond. You have to study the different shades of black. We won't have to upgrade your racism, gee. That's right. That's right.

I would have preferred more like African sounds. That would have been more relatable. That's the Haitian sound we came up. When I was doing door-to-door, I was doing cable. I did file. Fios was big money, gee. I was making a buck-20, $120,000 a year selling fucking door-to-door, bro. Selling door-to-door what?

Files, Verizon Files, bro. Wow, that's like, interesting. Literally. Okay. Fiber optics, G. Okay. I didn't even know about that. I just have that.

I just only, I don't even do that. See, so I'm educating you play. Wow, I don't think I need to know about it. It just exists. I'm just already logged on to my Wi-Fi and never think about it again. But here you are to teach me what's going on. I got you, G. I love it.

You're my new best friend. So, yo, can we hug, gee? Yo, can we hug? No, no, no, no. Let's not hug. So you're lying, dog. You're the one getting gay. the one getting gay on me now. Come on.

Don't pull the old switcheroo. I'm happy, gee. No, I love it. You how many times I've been here, gee? How many times have you signed up? Like 45, dog? I've come when you're away and you get, gee, I'm all, I come here, I walk up the stairs. I'm like, why don't you tell him? He's like, I like the way you was walking up the stairs. I thought you knew where he's going. So I've been here so many times, even when you're not here, I just show up every single Monday.

Wow. I love it, man. Look at you. Making the most to the moment. Bro. Making the most to the opportunity. I moved here for kill Tony in taxes. I love it. Brother? Me too. That's what I'm saying, gee, murder? What's up?

When you let's start? When you start? You're already starting. You're fucking stealing the show tonight. Oh, listen, what's up? With my ticket at, gee? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

A pose now don't get fed. Whoa. This reminds me of the movie, right? Remember the Titans. Mr. Francois, you are a wild man. Give us one more fun fact about you before I get you out. I can probably dominate 95% of these people in this room when it comes to pull-ups.

Can't nobody see me? Really? On God. You're a pull-up master? I train with dudes that went to prison. On God, let's get it. I totally believe that. This is Joe Rogan's comedy club,

so I think we have a pull-up bar right behind the cross. That's probably true. Joe began. Wow. And I speak two and a half languages. Okay, what are the two and a half languages? One is English. One is English.

With my palique-o in with 50 C, but say I see how many. You already know. You already know. That's the start of Missy Elliott's up. But it's a little too common. You know that Missy Elliott suck? Get your freak on. Serego.

Cerego. Okay, what did you just say, by the way? Yeah, what's that mean? That means... It means no word of it. Dance. Red band hit from three-point range. Still got it, Red Band.

I was worried about you this episode. That was good. That was good. Okay, what's the... We got English, we got Haitian. I want to know what the half language... French. Oh, wow.

What did you just say there? I speak French a little bit. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm saying. All right. I said, dude. No Spanish at all? A little bit, but I know Dominican Spanish.

Like, Yatozave. Oh, shit. My horn players are laughing. Two out of three horn players approved. You feel me? Yalo. Get okay. Yato savi.

Oh, shit. How does the Dominican dog? How does a Dominican dog bark? Dick at Roof, roof. Wow. Do you play any musical instruments? No, my shoddy do. She played the.

Okay. How long have you been with your showty? About a year and a half. Where'd you meet her at? I met her in New York at my bar show. Okay. And she came up to you. She was a fan.

She was a little bit of a fan. I actually had to come up to her because she's not really like the type of shorty to, like, go after a door. So I appreciated that. How much material do you think you have that you've written and ready to go, like, the longest set you could do?

Hour 20? Hour 20. Let's see it Wow Don't tell me with a good tongue Incredible Incredible So this Shoudie

What does she do for work She honed me down She's responsible for you She's No no no no She does music That's what she does Okay

What exactly does she do as music She plays the piano She sings and she teaches her too Wow He's like real talented. Wow. Look at that. There she is right there, everybody.

Wow. Mr. Francois, do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have any advice? There's a lot of, my fans, a lot of them are virgins and whatnot. Do you have any advice on how to please a woman in the bedroom? Because I'm positive that you know how to do magical things. I mean, you have literally you have 12 dildo. attached to your head right now.

It is incredible. You have many things that could please a woman. I mean, I don't think it's necessarily in a bedroom. I think like when you're approaching a shoddy, be real, like, intentional. You get me? Because too many dudes want her. So if you don't really want her, don't go after.

I love that. Give us an example. When you're approaching a woman, what do you say to her? When you like a shoddy. When I really, when I fuck with you like that, I'm like, yo, listen, I don't know who you are,

but I need to get to know you. Wow. Wow. Oh, God. My pussy just got wet. That is incredible. Absolutely amazing. You want me to give you one?

I'll give you one. You walk up to the hottest girl in the place. And you go, listen, I know that you get hit on all the time because you're such a beautiful woman. But I want you to know that unlike the other guys in the bar here tonight, I'm telling you the God's honest truth when I say I almost wore that exact same outfit.

See, and the pussy just falls all along. I get it, but like, they know you got money because they let you talk for real long. You know what I'm saying? Shorty's not really buying all that. You know what I'm saying? It's like, let me listen to what old white money got to say. You know what I got a shorter version of it.

Mr. Francois, you are hilarious. What's your full name again? You said it in the beginning. Steve Francois. Steve Francois. Is that your real name? Yeah, my parents couldn't give me a trust fund, so they gave me a trust name.

You get me? My black dude name Steve. It's a blessing, brother. Wow. Oh, yeah. Steve Francois, you are absolutely fucking incredible. We spend so much time pulling names out of this goddamn bucket. And the fact that you signed up so many times

and really, really want this, and, you know, it seems like you really work for it. and 10 years in the game. And you moved to Austin full-time. How long ago did you move here? Over a year ago. March last year ago. And you sign up every Monday.

Every single Monday. You're trying your best. You're doing it all. You're doing spots all around town. I do spots all around town, but it's like I'm not, I haven't been on here. So the disrespect is wild. You feel me? Say that again, talking to that microphone?

I said, I'm not from here. So it's like I'm not on, kill torn, never been on. So the disrespect is wild. It's like I can't just be funny. You get me? Got to have a name, got to have this, got to that. I'm like, gee, I just come to work. Right.

Well, you have one now, Mr. Francois. And an amazing, an amazing appearance on this show. A fantastic. You're exactly the type of thing that we love about this show. You know, all different ages, shapes, sizes, hairdoes, jackets, the whole thing. So, congratulations. Here's a golden ticket. Let's fucking go!

Stephen Francois. A 16-minute long. interview and unbelievable Brunswell, ladies and gentlemen, follow him at The Comedy Cellar. Dreams are coming true. The crowd goes wild. He's taking everybody's hand. These racist people are mad, they're leaving.

It's Remember the Titans too. Wow, what a performance from the comedy seller, Mr. Stephen Francois. Clearly anything can happen here tonight. That guy did more jokes than the other seven bucket pulls put together, just six bucket pulls put together. And back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Brent Reed, everybody. Here we go.

Well, if you like that last guy, this is going to be different. I'm half gay on my sister's side. My sister's gay. She's full-blown. She builds coffee tables and shit. You'd love her. She's... We're Irish twins.

That, of course, means I'm an alcoholic. She's a potato. And growing up, she was always the favorite. You know, nicer, smarter, better in school, but I'm her little brother. We grew up in a 1,200-person town in Alabama. So when she came out gay, I was like, oops, guess who's the new favorite?

Finally, my time to shine. Now it's just something my dad uses against me. He's like, son, why can you just go out there and get you some pussy like you sister? Brittany's got a wife and kid. two male roommates and somehow that's gayer. It is. All right, thank you guys. Fantastic. The very funny

Brent Reed. We know Brent. Very funny man. Works here at the mothership. You're on the clock right now. Yeah, I'm the second newest door guy. We just hired a new guy today, but I was the newest till today. I love it. I love it. Congratulations.

Yeah, thank you so much. Part of the elite comedians that work here at the mothership following in the footsteps. of the world famous comedy store, this place only hires comedians as door guys. So they get to be around it, get to see it, get to see how

professional comedians work and interact and every single facet of the game. Just like, I was a door guy. Geron was a door guy at the comedy store. Hell yeah. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, it's fun. How's life been going, Brent? It's been going all right. I'm trying to

quit my job at the escape room, but you really work at an escape room? Yeah, I can't figure out how to leave. Can I touch... Oh, that's funny. You son of a bitch. You got me. You don't work in an escape room.

You ready to do? Yeah, four dreams escape room. East Sears and Chavez. I'm going to be there probably two more weeks. Wow. At the rate, it's going. I'm scaring the shit out. I'm going to get fired for scaring shit out of kids, I think.

A kid asked me recently, what happens if we don't escape? And I said, you have to work here. I've been here since 2018. Please help. Hilarious. Hilarious. Help me. Wow.

Tell us more about your life, Brent Reed. I'm going through a breakup, and I have major depressive disorder. Yeah. Tell us more about that. Going through a breakup when you have depression is tough. It, you know, feels like getting a cold when you have AIDS a little bit. You know, it's like, I've had one of these before, but this one's going to kill me. I'm dead

Amazing Brent Tell us about your life Where are you originally from? I'm from a small town in Alabama called Caddo I can't remember the word for it But it's not recognized by the government

As a town It's in between two towns Not undocumented There's a word for it Wow Wow But 1,200 people Yeah, middle of fucking nowhere

Between Decatur and Moulton, Alabama And then I moved to Huntsville to do comedy Damn. I did radio in Florence for like six years. And you started at Stand Up Live in Huntsville? Yeah, that was where I got my first hosting gigs and stuff, but I started at biker bars in Sheffield, Alabama. Wow.

Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah, I got threatened with death a lot. Yeah. Yeah, it was a cat named rooster. He had a Mohawk. He was in a biker gang. Wow.

Incredible. Cat-T-A-A-L-A-Labama. Yeah, C-A-D-D-O, Cato. Wow. That sounds like a type of place. I would make sure I did not run out of gas. You would hate it so much. That's incredible.

It's like 45 minutes outside of Huntsville. Looks like you're going to be the biggest star out of there, though, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, nobody's close. Yeah. God bless them. I love them. How long have you suffered from depression?

Maybe there's someone out there listening. I think, well, I'm in therapy now. I got therapy through, I don't know if I should talk. I guess I can talk about this. I get therapy through the mothership. They have a program that helps us with mental health stuff, so it's helped me out of all. Amazing stuff.

Yeah, shout out to my therapist, Ray. I love you, baby. Hell yeah. Shoutouts to Ray, Ray. I love it. I imagine Ray Ray's a lot like Mr. Francois. Yeah, he's the same. That's him, actually.

He uses a stage name because he's a therapist. You can't, you know. Let me give you a hug. Let me kiss you on your forehead. Tell us more about this lesbian sister of yours. Oh, she's, yeah, she's real gay. She's, uh, she's, uh, she'll live. lives with her wife. She has a kid. It was a science, not a miracle. And my nephew, I have a three-year-old

nephew. His name's Tucker. He's autistic, and I love him. I love superheroes. You asked me if there's any autistic superheroes. I was like, I think all of them. I think anybody who wears a cape qualifies. Yeah, no doubt. Anybody that wears their underwear over their pants is that. Definitely autistic. No question about it. Wow. Brent, you're so funny. Thank you so much. What's something that you've learned about handling? I guess I didn't finish my original question. What's something about being depressed and handling it and getting through it that maybe you could say right now that could be a good piece of advice for somebody that's listening that might be depressed as fuck. I think talking about it, treating it like you're sick is good. You know, I talk to my parents about it.

In 2019, I went to the top of a parking deck and was going to jump off. I got fired from radio, you see. Wow. There I was. What level of the parking deck were you? The top one. Is it level four? My dad called, actually.

Funny you mentioned that. My dad called me. As I was staring off, I was up there a long time. Thank God for Verizon Files. That's right? I just learned about this. And I told him where I was, and he always says the perfect thing and the perfect time.

He's like, you talking about that parking deck on the campus university in North Alabama? I was like, yes, sir, that's the one. He goes, that thing ain't high enough to kill you? That hurt like hell. You just been paralyzed and sad. I tell you what, me and your mom are going to be sad if we have to wipe your ass again.

I'm going to cry. Absolutely incredible, Brent Reed. Thank you so much. You are fantastic. How long have you been doing stand up again? Seven years. Seven years. How much of it in Austin?

The three and a half? Three and a half years, I think. Yeah, I moved here, and then I'm open for Brian Simpson in Huntsville. And then I moved here two weeks later. The mothership opened. I bought a ticket to bottom of the barrel. Brian's improvised comedy show on Tuesdays. He saw me in the crowd.

He was like, where do I know you from? In the mic? And I was like, I opened for you in Huntsville. He goes, oh, shit, you left that girl? And he, like, remembered shit I told him. And he was like, you want to stay and do the late show? So I stayed into the late show. Eaget saw me.

And, you know, it was like a year process, but I eventually got passed. Wow. Absolutely incredible. How recent was this breakup? That one, I left. I'm kind of a serial monogamous. That one was when I left Alabama three and a half years ago,

but I'm going through a new one that's like two weeks old. Two weeks old. How did it end? What went wrong? She broke up with you? Yeah, she broke up with me a couple times, and then we got back together, kind of.

Like, we weren't dating, and she was talking to other dudes with boats. Oh, no. You know what that means. Yeah. Yeah. And it just kind of had to get a good. out of there. Wow. Yeah, it's tough. I'm sad. Yep. Cool tent. He probably owns a horse as well,

Red Band. Is kidding. Well, let me say something. I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I'm going to be gone for three weeks and I'm going to come back and do some sets because I want to start touring again in September and I want you to do one of those sets for me here. I'm just fucking with you. My dad doesn't believe in me. He's going to be tickled pink that I'm talking to you right now on stage. He's going to be, he's going to shit blood. Oh no, you made a mess.

It's okay. You want me to clean it up? I'll do whatever you want. It happens, my friend. Brent, I'm telling you, you crushed it here tonight, and you are a part of absolute history because this is the first time ever in which we've had back-to-back golden ticket winners. Congratulations, Brent.

Leave your avails. We'll get you another minute up here on this show sometime soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody, keeping everybody well hydrated here tonight. Fantastic. This show's flying.

Can there be three in a row? Do you believe in miracles? I'd feel bad for the next guy. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the bucket pool named Don L. Graves, everybody. Donnell Graves. I'm here, y'all. I'm trying to be happy.

I just won't be happy. like little Mexican kids at Ross. I'm trying to be happy like white people checking their credit. We know y'all not paying back all those loans. I'm trying to be happy like Muslim store owners who come to America open gas stations and sell cigarettes, alcohol, and pork skins. Insha Allah.

But I got a lot of questions, though. One of the big questions I have is how is it, Uber, Lyft, and Chinese massage parlors are legal, but prostitution is illegal. I mean, a ride is a ride is a ride, right? Thank y'all. I'm Donnell Graves.

Donnell Graves. 53 seconds of Donnell Graves. Welcome, welcome. How are you? I'm doing great, man. Thank you so much. How long you've been doing stand-up comedy? I started in 99, 27 years ago, but it was broken up because I was in the military,

traveling all over the world. Okay. What did you do in the military? Terry. I was a canine handler in the Marine Corps. There's a lot of dog owners out there. Yeah, yeah. We used to look for bombs and stuff.

Iraq, Afghanistan, Washington, D.C. All over the place. You catch some bombs? Yes. I didn't catch them, but I found some. Hell yeah. And I've seen some people who found some, too. Yeah.

You used to be a white guy. Wow. My credit is. So how long were you in the military, Donnell? Total I did 25 years in the military. Wow, that's incredible. I love it. And so you started stand-up, then went into the military, and now you're back.

Yeah, I used to be, before I joined the military, I worked as a strip club DJ. And then I was like, I want a respectable job. I want to be around good people. Now join the military. It was the same people. Hell yeah. Can we hear your strip club DJ introduction voice?

Absolutely. Yeah. Tonight, get ready for the world famous Rump Shaker contest going on right here at Giltony. Blind, crippler crazy, 18 to 80. We don't care if you got one leg. Hop up on that good foot.

Damn, right. Absolutely. Very good. Damn, ass was rumped when you were DJing. That's crazy. That was 85 you out there? No, I started DJ in strip clubs in 92. Okay, so there was still some bush hanging out.

Well, you know, I didn't see nothing new during that time. It was all covered up. It had some crazy laws. I started in Louisiana. Oh, okay. Louisiana up in here. Yeah. And I started there, and it was crazy because they had laws.

You had to cover up the breaststices and all that stuff. Oh, no, we hate it when the breaststices. are covered. There must be six of them at once for it to be breast-dises. Six-breasted Louisiana in-bred women. That's what it sounds like we were missing out on.

If you guys love six breasts, get ready. Here comes fucking hexat-it. Wow. Breastises. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Okay. So what's the craziest thing you ever saw at the strip club?

Crazest thing I ever saw the strip club was This woman, she had this big old pole, and she went way up the pole, and she was twirling, and she looked really good, but her hair was down on the bottom. Oh, no, the weed. Yeah, it all just had its own life. Wow. Oh, man.

It was wild, man. I felt bad for her. Damn. So the laws of Louisiana, breastest is covered, vaginas is covered. Yeah, everything was covered. So is it really a strip club? They called it bikini bars when I first started. I DJed in Louisiana, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas, California, and in Japan.

Whoa, what's a Japanese strip club like? I'm asking for red band. Well, we were outside the Marine Corps base in Okinawa, Japan, and it was... The home of Hittori Hanzo. I don't know them. Well, he makes the best swords from Kill Bill. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, that was his house. We didn't start watching until Django. So Donnell, what do you do for work now?

I don't do anything. He retired from the military, right? I retired from the military, and then I went back and worked as a civilian contractor, and I made a lot of money. And I came back, and now I just rent pussy. You rent it? You say rent? I'm just playing.

What does that even mean? That means you lease it. But for the laws, you know, I don't want to say too much because I don't want, you know. It's a good, clean, wholesome family show. You should have meant Mr. Francois. It's like rent a bone. No, no bones involved.

Jesus. You don't do bones. So Donnell, you don't have a steady lady right now? No, no. I had one a year ago, and I just kind of, Sorry. I just left. I just was like...

Yeah, I just left. What was it about her that you just had to get away from it? What was it? It was just... You know, I spent so much time being confined within rules of the military and then working as a civilian for the U.S. government. And I just get tired of rules and confinement.

I said, you know what? The only way to free my mind is to free my ass and get up out of here. Hell yeah. I just wasn't ready for a relationship. I just want to crack jokes. and have fun. I want to be happy. That's it. That makes sense. Well, here you are. You're doing it, Donnell.

Donnell Grades, congratulations. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Here you go. Don El Grays, everybody. All right, on to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're coming around the corner here on. It makes some noise for Tyler Sullivan, everybody. So I recently got some good green through a gay dude. But I'm never going through him again because he pinched my sack. That, and he took weed from my bag.

I made a chick squirt. Yeah, it was driving me crazy, so I popped this big ass pimple on her back. Next time, I'll be sure to wear safety goggles. I met a half-black, half-Jewish person. It's the only time I ever seen a Fubu Yamika. Hell yeah, Tyler Sullivan, good set. Welcome, welcome. Hell yeah. Look at you.

Wow, you must be from Catow, Alabama, huh? Where are you from? Cleveland, Ohio. Whoa, Cleveland, Ohio. That's near us. Look at that. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Very good.

Okay, so Cleveland, Ohio. How long have you been in Austin? You live here now? No, no. I'm leaving tomorrow. Okay, you're just visiting. How long have you been here? Three days.

What have you learned about Austin in the three days that you've been here? Heat? Yes. It is fucking unbelievably. scorching nowadays. How do you handle the heat? You look like you just let it happen and just stay dehydrated. Am I correct? Have you had a bottle of water since you landed? Yeah. Okay. All right, good. Good. I'm a little concerned about you here. A little concerned. So Tyler, what do you do for work?

I work at a restaurant. You what? It's a restaurant. Swenson's in Ohio. Oh, okay, cool. Awesome. And how long you've been on stand-up? Fourteen years. Fourteen years. Hell yeah. Yeah, you're a funny guy. You work at hilarities in Cleveland? I've been there. I've done the open mic when they had it. Okay. You making money doing stand-up at all?

I host a show on Thursdays. Where at? It's called Unhinged Lounge. It's at the Unhinged Lounge in Cleveland. Yes. Okay. Well, there's some people definitely listening in Ohio, Northeast Ohio, that might start going to that.

Unhinged Lounge in Cleveland on Thursdays. What time? 8. 8 p.m. Yeah. There you go. Who knows? There might be fucking four more people there this week.

Maybe. I love it. What do you do for fun? You have any hobbies or special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking cuts out, like, magazine pictures of women and then changes their eyes and their mouths and stuff to try to make your dream girl? Only once in a while.

What do you do for fun? I play a lot of chess on my phone. Oh, no. I'm with you on that. I am with you on that one. I'm obsessed. Go ahead. You have the energy of the guy who like, like, when the dog gets sick, you just shoot it in the backyard?

Or if it doesn't get sick. You look like you would shoot a dog in the back of the head. I was really worried about your haircut and then it matches your delivery so well that it works as a character. I didn't realize that's what it was. But I thought it was a really bad haircut, but... But it matches the persona and the delivery.

I think you did a really good job, man. You're following some really, really hot comics, too. So you did a good job, man. Nice thing. Yeah, you did really good. What's another fun fact about Tyler Sullivan that we would find interesting? What makes you different than everybody else?

I have six kids. No way. Wow. Wait, are they yours? Three are mine. Oh, wow. Yeah. And you're raising three other kids. I am.

Wow. What's the age range? What's the youngest? Youngest, 11-year-old twins. Whoa. Wow. And what's the oldest? 21.

What's your Instagram? What? Red Band. You're so fucking weird, dude. It's unbelievable. Sound effects, sound effects. All right. Wow.

Tyler. So why do I picture this? This woman, and I hope this doesn't sound offensive, but this is a comedy show. Why do I picture this woman that you're with is really big? Why do I think she's a big lady? Am I right? She over 200 pounds? Not over 200 pounds.

Okay. All right. You're on hoarding. I feel like you only date women your size so that when you skin them. You got me. With that drip. Wow. So what's it like having all those kids?

Are they all still in the house? It's Cleveland, so I know it's hard to fucking get them out of there. Two of them are out. Okay. 21-year-old's out? Yeah. What are they doing? Working at the gas station around the corner?

Yeah, she works at Denny's. Yep, that's close. That was my next guest. We know Denny's very well. I'm from Youngstown. So, do you know that? Yeah. Yeah.

So I totally get it. Cleveland's like a huge upgrade. Cleveland's like New York City to us in Youngstown. And this is what Cleveland's like, everybody. So imagine. Imagine what I survived. So with Denny's and what's the 19 year olds out? Yeah, he's going to go to Kent State.

Nice. Very good. That's huge. That is huge. He's going to reenact the school shooting up there. Maybe. They all have good sense of humors like you. Yeah.

You've instilled that in them. I think I did. You're a good dad. That's great. That's amazing, Tyler. That's incredible. That's some good people up here. here. Good dad, military heroes. Tyler, what's your preferred game of chess? Do you do

blitz? Do you go long form? What are we doing here? Human chess. All right. Dron. Settle down. Duran's out of control. This guy's a good guy. He's a good guy. Be nice to him. I don't want to... I think it's just the normal way. I'm not sure. You just play regular. Yeah. Okay. Not timed or anything. No, it is timed. What's the time? 10? There you go. All right. Okay. Well, maybe one day when you get to five-minute blitz, you'll see me on there.

You at chess.com? No, mine is chessclatch. Get on chess. Get on chess.com. That's the actual thing. It's easy. It's free. It has ads on. It's free. Guys are dorks. Yeah, we're such doors. Red band, you make AI music.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Make it better. Make it better. Check me. Make it better. No, I wrote the lyrics. Hey, what do you say?

It's a good day. I'm eating hay by the bay. You f***. Shut up. Jesus Christ. He's playing people online using AI that are beating him. They're just like taking photos up. Not how it works.

Not how it works. Not how it works. The whole point of playing chess would be to play yourself, not to use a computer to win. That's a high-level shit, though. I know you saw the Magnus Carlson documentary. Anyway. Tyler Sullivan.

I like your fucking style. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. Fantastic stuff. Thank you for coming out. One final bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, and here we go. He goes by the name of Richie Swarvin, everybody.

Here comes Richie Swarvin. I just got to have a really bad relationship and just wanted to see what it felt like to speak for 60 seconds without being interrupted. No, but being new to Austin, I was back on the apps, back on Tinder, and I had to share a very interesting match that I got. She said it was a bunch of green flags.

It was like, you know, I love dark humor, and she was gorgeous, about my age, you know, blonde, gorgeous girl. But it was like, I just got diagnosed with a very aggressive, rare form of cancer, and I just want to have a lot of sex and have fun before starting chemo. I know what everyone's thinking. Like, talk about no strings attached. Is she even going to last nine months? Yeah, I mean.

But it did get me thinking a little further past it that I think there should be a dating app exclusively for people with, like, potentially terminal illness or a terminal illness because it's awkward to, like, you know, hook up with someone knowing that you may die. And I think we can call the app final chapter. When you're on your way out and you still want to get it in.

Thank you. Richie Zwarven. Welcome, welcome. So I'm just trying to get it right. The new girl has a rare cancer or your ex has rare cancer? No, it was just someone that I matched with on Tinder. Did you hook up with her? No, she actually didn't respond to me, which...

Damn. It's not common, so she must have died. Yeah, D-Madden's he got it. Wow. D's cracking up over here. That's hilarious. Richie, how old are you? I'm 35 turned 36 Saturday.

Okay. Wow. Since you told us your birthday, I actually think you might be a 19-year-old girl. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just about nine months now. Nine months. Where at? Just Austin.

Yeah, well, I did like two mics when I was 21. I'm from Detroit. How long have you lived here? Since like a week after Thanksgiving. Okay. Yeah, end of November. All right. Some very interesting mathematical answers we're getting from you.

All right. A week after Thanksgiving. Okay. I'm not a numbers guy. What do you do for work, Rich? I'm a chef. Okay. What are you cooking?

I'm at, I'm doing Italian. I'm at Frank and Margie's. I'm not sure if you know all the place. This is our senior fat-ass correspondent and clapping his hands. Oh, yeah, yeah. We do know them. It's amazing. Franklin Lee.

That is a great restaurant. I'm executive sous chef there. Oh, look at you. That's a big deal. Hell yeah. It's amazing. No, they are fantastic. Yeah.

It's very good. We tend to go to his house for Thanksgiving. Yeah. That is a little tradition. That's right around when you moved here. Yeah, that's quick with the math on that. I love it. So what, I mean, that is incredible because they literally are, yeah, there's no way for you guys to know.

So I'll just say it. They are multiple-time Michelin Star-winning chefs. and they hired you. That's incredible. How do you get a job like that? Well, since I didn't pursue comedy the last like 10, 15 years, I dove into being a chef

because I could be funny at work and that was kind of my outlet. Also, I was a raging alcoholic. So it's super easy to get away with. And so I kept putting it off, putting it off, putting it off. And then I've been sober almost a year now and I'm like, why the fuck don't I go? Nice.

It's horrible. Don't clap. It's fucking. boring. I don't suggest it. Just keep your shit together and fucking drink. It's awesome. But I can't.

So I don't. But I was like, I came to the realization. I was doing like resort jobs. I was in Wyoming in November. And I was like, wow. Why don't I just fucking move to Austin where I can do both comedy and what I know I'm good at being a chef. So.

Yeah. Incredible. If you had to give some advice on how you got sober, what was your trick to it? It's funny you ask because. It's been a fucking long journey. Like, I've been to rehab more time, like, probably inpatient rehabs were either for, like, an extended amount of time, probably 10 plus times.

I was someone that professionals at rehabs were saying, like, you're never going to make it. Just go. Like, I had people literally tell me to give up that were, like, paid to tell people not to give up. Total loss cause. Wow. Total fucking loss cause.

And after all that, this last time, I didn't go anywhere, didn't do it. I just stopped on my own, detoxed myself at home, which is super dangerous. But I had, I don't know what happened. It was a while ago. And, yeah, I just moved all. I was like, you know what's good for my sobriety? Stand-up comedy in Austin, Texas. That sounds like, that's going to be great.

Yeah, right? And this is the first time that I've gotten close to a year without anything. I can't explain it. That is amazing. So let me ask you, because I find it all so. intriguing. Yeah. The, all the counselors telling you that you're not going to make it.

What were they seeing? What were they, what were you telling them? Like, what made them think that you had didn't have a chance? Well, it didn't, like, it didn't help that I was new. I went to Tucson to stay with my sister. And I got, it was right when, right before COVID started. So anytime I fucked up anywhere, I knew no one but my sister. And she was done with me the first time I started drinking again.

So I was homeless. So they thought I was like, probably, like, like after repeat offending, like trying to find a place to just stay because I was, but I'm not, I wasn't, you know, doing that to be off the streets. I really wanted to get better. It just took me so many fucking tries that statistically it does not happen for someone like me.

But I was like, I don't, it just, it happened. You know what? After that answer, I think I'm going to get sober too. Sorry. I get,

it's been so much fucking rehab. But do you have a special trick that you did? Was there something that you did that made you, or did you just hit absolute bottom? See, that's the weird. I was just talking my friend about it while I was waiting to get picked, is that, or potentially, no, there's just a moment where you hear from people

where they're like all the rehabs, all the meetings doesn't mean shit to a lot of people. You just have a moment where you're fucking done. And I had it. And I couldn't tell you when it was. It just something clicks. and some people, I think, don't live long enough with the drinking or drugs to get to that point.

What kind of drugs were you doing? A lot of cocaine. Yeah, I did do a lot of cocaine back when there wasn't fentanyl in it everywhere. But I didn't do a lot of hard drugs until I moved to Tucson. So it was a weird thing to start heroin at 31. But I didn't shoot up, though,

so it wasn't as serious as a good room. Yeah, and smoked it. I know, right? They call that waste in it. They call that, wasting it when you don't shoot it. He puts heroin in his brownies. That's a lot of brownies.

I don't think you're going to make it. Talk about a food coma. I love it. Richie, give us one more fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. One more fun fact. Any special skills or talents? Are you really good at something? You seem like the kind of guy that can Pokemon while parkoring perhaps at the same?

No, I mean, besides being a chef and like, you know, thinking or being told I was funny. I used to skateboard and really that's all I do is cook and do open mics. So not a lot of other not a lot of fun. I'm going to set you up for one more big one here. Yeah. What was the craziest night of drinking and drugs or whatever in which you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm an disgusting animal? Like what was one example of which you're like, it was this is the worst? It was one of the times I could say I actually had the realization like this is enough, but it wasn't the last time that I was doing something stupid. But I had an apartment in Tucson and I woke up one morning and there's like 10 people sprawled

out with needles like still in their arms while they're passed out, not dead, but just fucking out. And I was like, this is so gross. And a stripper stole all my, whatever that big check you got for doing nothing was back then for the, from the government. The income tax return? No, no. The free one that are, the stimulus shit. COVID. Yeah, the stimulus check.

I cashed it. So I had all cash in the stripper that was living there with me, took all the cash. And I was like, I need to fucking go back to treatment and really get a handle on this. So, yeah, it was just gross. Yeah, because you weren't planning on paying that stripper at all. I didn't have to, I didn't meet her at the strip club. She just came by because she heard it was a great time probably.

Yeah. A fucking drug done. This is a, this is a tourism adjunct. for Tucson, Arizona, by the way. It sucks. I don't like Arizona. If you think Cleveland's scary, uh, vampires. Keep driving through Tucson. Yeah, don't, don't go.

Unless you have to, I guess. Richie, fun times, man. I have actually a run out of big joke books and golden tickets. I'm kidding. You weren't going to get one. Oh, man. Two little ones. No, shut the fuck up.

Oh, shit. There he goes. Richie Zwarven, everybody. Yeah, thank you guys. And we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, we did it. We went through 10 full-blown bucket pulls, the first episode ever in which we had back-to-back golden ticket winners. And now there's only one way to close an episode like this, and it is with a true anomaly, a freak of nature. This guy just fucking crushed two sets at MSG.

He kills every time he comes out. We love him, you love him, make some noise for the anomaly. real deal. Pat O'Neill, everybody. Thank you. Girls are so dumb that when you're fucking them, they forget to come. Silly brads. Recently who's with this gal starts calling me Daddy. Anytime I'm in bed and a girl does that, I always tell him the same thing.

He can't help you now. I don't think saying Daddy is like so much of a fetish, though. It is just about how the word sounds, right? Because it's always daddy. Never just dad or papa. Nobody's ever throwing it back saying, yes, father. Besides altar boys. Okay, that's it.

Thank you. I mean, wow. Just absolutely again and again and again. The best joke. I mean, it's just unbelievable. It's unbelievable what the fuck you do up here. Thank you, Tony. It's crazy.

And to get to watch the evolution every week and every place we go and everything to watch week after week, the applause get louder. The folks get a huge pop. The folks are too kind. Thank you, folks. Yeah, it is amazing. And it's so fucking deserved. It's just there's no extra hype.

There's nothing that, uh, There's just the best jokes every night all the time. That is fucking incredible. So stupid they forget to come. It's unbelievable. The whole daddy thing, the altar boy finish. I mean, it's just absolutely fucking amazing what you do. You look like a comedian.

You write like a comedian. You execute every joke fucking. I mean, it's just, I'm just a huge fan. Geron Horton. I just love the energy. It's fucking amazing. never seen you live before. Thanks, sir.

Yeah, it's like, it's like, it's like if Rick and Morty did an episode about Scarface. It's another Rick and Morty remix for you. Oh, it happens. It's okay. Don't mind about it. It happens every time someone sees them for the first time. I don't know what it is. It has to be accurate if this many people say it.

I'm going to check in with the wise sage, the fucking man, the myth, legend that really got this whole Austin comedy scene started convinced fucking Joe would be the first to admit that Ron is that guy that got us all here sold us all on Austin

this is the fucking boomtown and you've gotten to see Pat O'Neill recently because he's been doing spots with us on Tuesdays and Wednesdays well I'd heard all of the I've just been hearing a buzz you know so if I've been in stand-up comedy

Well, September 17th, 40 years. Wow. A long goddamn time. And I walked out on the balcony to watch you do a set. And I was like, oh, damn, this kid is so fucking good, man. And I had you come out and do some stuff with me in the big room right here. And it's just amazing. And it's just your way to watch.

And there's just not very many comics that I'll walk out and watch a set, you know, because I've just seen so much of it. But yours is so original. and so much fun. So, thank you. It's absolutely incredible. The punches hit so hard.

He follows through with the punches. It's like literally a whole fucking analysis of how the thing is done can kind of be seen and understood just by watching you. It is fucking crazy. And you remind everybody why we love this industry so much.

So keep up the great work. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, folks. The great and powerful pattern, Neil, ladies and gentlemen, it's done it again. Uh, yeah, we fucking did it. Guys, how much fun did we have tonight, huh?

Kiltony's going to Dallas, September 26th, Houston, October 17th, Vegas, November 13th, and 14th. And again, New Year's Eve at the Moody Center, December 31st, New Year's Eve, for the fifth year in a row we are doing an arena on New Year's Eve in our hometown of Austin, Texas. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Ball is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there during the show. Oh, the great Ron White! Hell yeah. Guys.

Damn, you're having no black colors over there? Make some noise for the great Geron Horton, everybody. Rose Rider, unbelievable comedian. And how about one more time for our favorite human being on planet Earth, the one and only, Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Follow them on social media. Check out, see when they're coming near you on tour. Red Band.

Check out the secret show every Thursday at the sunset strip ATX.com. We love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody.