KILL TONY - #783 - GARY OWEN + BRIAN SIMPSON

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

Gary Owen, Brian Simpson, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Monica Colt, Steve Glass, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 08/24/2026 Watch Kill Tony ad free and get tons of exclusive perks. Get Kill Tony + for $5/month now at https://killtony.supercast.com/ THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Meriwether Farms: Upgrade your snack game with real American beef and get 20% off your first order of Meriwether Farms Natural Beef Sticks at https://meriwetherfarms.com using promo code KILLTONY. PrizePicks: Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Shopify: Own your customer relationships. Own your revenue. Start with a free trial at https://shopify.com/killtony  Morgan & Morgan: You can go to https://ForThePeople.com/Tony to start your claim. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of KillTon. Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Totti. Damn band and all the land. Make some fucking noise for them.

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tris Leches, Michael Gonzalez, Natchos Bel Grande, the great white pudding, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the Keys, and the almighty, powerful, praise be, to the one and only Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my lord. What a show we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad-free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content.

episodes, behind-the-scenes stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony. Dot supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtony supercast.com.

All right. Back to the show. Good evening. Tonight's sponsors Meriwether Farms Natural Beefstick, and if you know anything about me, you know that I love a good beef stick in my mouth. How about you, Red Band? I love them beef sticks.

Of course you do, Red Band. You look like your blood type is Gastation Tariaki. Oh, you son of a gun. For roasted. These aren't gas station beef sticks. These are made with real American beef raised without antibiotics or added hormones.

Oh my goodness. That is absolutely incredible because I know you love antibiotics or hormones. And this is amazing that those aren't in there. But he's right. It's one of the rare times in which Red Band is right. It's real American beef, not some imported mystery tube made with retired circus animals

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That's MaryweatherFarms.com and code kill Tony for 20% off. first order right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, every single week I like to book it fresh. I like to book it hot as good as it can possibly be just the way that I want it. And this week is no exception. This is one of the shows where there is a guest on that I have wanted to book on this show for its 13 year existence.

And I've never gotten to have them until tonight. Tonight we jam And I matched them up with one of my favorite local comedians that I work with every single week. Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for two of the funniest fucking comedians in the world. It's the great Gary Owen and Brian Simpson.

Sam Simpson. Holy shit. Holy shit. My God. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for the Kill Tony debut of Gary Owen, ladies and gentlemen. Ever since I was a Door guy at the comedy store.

I was watching this guy fucking rip the absolute roof off of especially black rooms. And there was really only one white guy, fearless enough to do that at that time. And it was him. I mean, just absolutely dominating. And I would be there at a hundred and twelve pounds in a comedy store t-shirt watching from the back of the room after seating everybody in their seats. And I thought to myself, wow, maybe one day, maybe one day I can make an all-black audience laugh

the way that he does. And as you saw it, the Kevin Hartroast, I accomplished that mission. But Gary, you're the man. Welcome to the show. Thank you. First time. Hell yeah. We're going to have some fun. And I've matched you up perfectly

with my great peer, the powerful Brian Simpson. a man who gets it. On the opposite of you, Gary, Brian's been ripping white rooms for the last 13 years. It's been absolutely destroying only white audiences. So this is perfect.

This is a fucking... But Alpaw was combined. Yeah, that's right. This is an episode that everyone's going to enjoy. I love it. Gary, this is your first time on the show. over 250 people signed up for this Mamma Jamma tonight. If they get pulled out of this bucket,

they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you know the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then or else, they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that wraps up their set. Completely, I conduct an interview. The whole thing's improvised.

Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Wow. I'm going to let this Japanese hooker pull the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations. And while we go wait for that bucket pool to be wrangled, I have a golden sick of winner who has not been on for quite a while, here to give us a brand new minute,

make some noise for the return of Charlie Mac, everybody. Here comes Charlie Mac. Calm down. Y'all, I just finished my last tour, man. I went to Germany. If you ain't never been to Germany, Germany is nothing like what you expect. So many different races, religions. I'm like, wow, Hitler would be pissed.

Come back like, what's he fuck? You have zoos and niggas? And that tour was called Fuck Them Kids. Don't Google that. You don't end up on the list. Y'all got to be careful with y'all. Google almost got me sent to jail. Like my sister called me, he said,

bro, I just had my son. But we got him a circumcision and it don't look right to me. I said, I don't remember mine. So I said, I got you. I'm a Google baby penises. She said, you better to fuck not. And that's my time, y'all.

Thank you. Charlie Mag with exactly 57 seconds. Welcome back to the show, Charlie. How are you? Oh, I am great, man. How are you doing? I'm fantastic. It's good to have you back.

Great set. Welcome back. Let me ask you something, Charlie, because I'm looking at your smile. You have very tiny teeth. How does a man with such tiny teeth? Smile for the crowd, because you just stopped smiling.

He knew. See, that's what people do. You make fun of them for their thing and they stop showing it. He's like, oh, fuck, he's about to get me. You have such tiny teeth. How do you eat so much for a man with such tiny teeth?

What exact, are you getting pre-chewed beef or something? It's good for pussy. Oh, shit. All right. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. Okay, in that case,

how do you gain weight from eating pussy? If you got an accent, you ain't that good. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's right. Everybody looks at me. You know that's a bad pussy eater.

Oh, my goodness. Is this your guys' first time seeing Charlie Mac? You ever seen anything quite like... It's mine. I just met him today. Yes, yes. Nice to meet you guys. Nice to meet you.

You told me you was going on a world. Yeah, I'm actually about to be the first black comedian to do all seven continents. Oh, shit. Yeah, I already booked 43 countries, you guys. So it was just a little hard because it cost money and I ain't got no money for it. I booked it, but I don't know how I'm going to get there. Wow.

Seven continents. That means Antarctica? Yeah. Yeah, Antarctica too. Yeah, wait to see those pictures. Someone's about to break the ice up there in Antarctica. My goodness. Seven continents and all the condiments. This is absolutely incredible.

Are you sure you're doing Antarctica? What kind of agent do you have? Who's booking you on this fucking tour? Oh my gosh. Myself, yeah. Is there a venue that you're planning on doing in Antarctica? No, I'm taking an excursion through South America into Antarctica. You're taking an excursion.

And you're going to walk? Are you walking from South Africa to Antarctica? Believe it or not, black people swim, so. I don't think you're swimming. the Arctic Ocean. I think I say Arctic Ocean's the other. I really don't know. This is crazy. I bet you have an aunt named Arctica, but I don't think you're doing Antarctica. Octica Jenkins, WNBA, Power Forward. Oh my God, Charlie Mack, you are so interesting. Seven continents. Which one are you most excited about?

Africa. Oh, wow. They're going to try to keep me. Yeah, I bet. King. But I feel like if you booked it but you ain't paid for nothing yet, you just kind of wrote it down. You ain't really... They don't know that. You raising money or something? Yeah, I'm trying to do a go-fund to me. I'm definitely

trying to get sponsors and everything, but it's hard. Oh, so you don't... It's not booked. No, the cities are booked. The way to get there, not. Right. That's two plane tickets everywhere. He's not lying. He's not lying.

Flying must be really hard for you, right? It's not that hard. I just get Southwest. You get a second seat for free. Is that true? That is true. Southwest Enabling ass motherfucker. Hell yeah.

I'm about going to die. They said, two seats, second one free. I said, for him. Oh, my. Get in that cake, got down. Oh, my goodness. I love it. What else is going on, Charlie Mac?

Man, I created a card game that I actually want to give you guys a copy of it. I created everything in my damn self. Oh, wow. Look at that. Wow, look at that. Yeah, this game is called Write That Down. It's really for comedians or party people. You draw a prompt card and then everyone writes down an answer to it.

Like one says, what's the worst thing to say at a funeral? Then you write it down and whoever got the most points win. Okay. All right. And you invented this? That's incredible. Where can people find this at? Oh, they can find that on my website, funny charlie mac.com.

Funny charlie mac.com. That's Charlie spelled with an I.E. If you start that go-fumme, I'm going to donate the first $100. Oh, yeah, I already started. Yep. You can definitely find that on my Instagram at Funny Charlie Mac. It's a go-firmie on the link. Yeah.

Brian's going to donate $100 under the name Anonymous, I'm betting. There's going to be a documentary, too, so we're filming it. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. I'm trying to do shit. nobody else done. Antarctica would be one of those things. There's a reason.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm also a radio personality here now in Austin on K-A-Z-I-88.7. Wow. Amazing. You do have a body for radio. That is incredible. And the face. Yeah. You're killing it, Charlie. Well, way to get tonight's show started, man. I love it. You got it going. The party has started. One more time for Charlie Mack,

everybody. Here we go. To the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. As you guys may know, this is where shit gets a little crazy. Absolutely anything can happen here. We might find our next great talent out of this bucket. Or it could be just a crazy person that didn't prepare at all.

Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It's Cousin Maddie, everybody. Cousin Maddie. How are you doing tonight, Austin? Hell yeah. When I was 23, I was having bloody shits.

I told my primary care, and she said getting a colonoscopy. So I did, and the drink the night before, wasn't even remotely the worst part. I gave them my weight, and they went to town on my fucking asshole. Problem is,

anesthetics didn't work, and I was half awake, the whole fucking exam. Apparently, the doctor and I were having a full-blown floor-long conversation, and I don't recall what I said verbatim, but I remember the key words, UFC and Connor McGregor. That was pretty dick pick. He was more into cardio back then.

Call me God's books because I got friends in little places and one of them recently told me there is a G-spot for gay anal sex. Well, I saw. I conquered. But I most certainly never came. And that's how I know I'm not a fucking homosexual. I am, however, three years overdue for a follow-up

and probably have an asshole canter, but I don't have health insurance, and I'm terrified to go back. Thank you very much. All right, Cousin Maddie. That was an interesting story. Hello, cousin. He sounded like he was reading the hostage note.

There was some real twang in that set. Some real twang in that set, almost like you're a gay guy that's afraid your dad is going to watch this. And that's how I know I'm not a homosexual. Tony. And that's coming from me. I barely have to change my voice to do that gay impression.

I really just change the yeses. Tony, my dad's dead. In fact, his sixth year anniversary is coming up on September 3rd. So you know that he's watching from heaven right now? Yes, sir. And you don't want him to know you're gay. All right. $20 is $20.

And the kill Tony appearance is a kill Tony appearance. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what that means. You definitely do know what that means. I don't know what it means. Explain it. What does that mean? $20?

It's like, you know. No one knows what that means, but it's provocative, Tony. Gets people going. Okay. All right. I just said that. Okay. Cousin Maddie, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Attempting. A year. One year. Where at? I'm from fucking Boston. Okay. Do you still have in Boston? No.

live here. What do you do for work? I bounce at the Disney Rooster. In fact, I've seen you pass just about every Thursday night. You have to talk a little bit slower, dude. You bounce the Disney Rooster? Yes, two doors down.

You bounce at the Dizzy Rooster. Got it. You're a bouncer. Yes. Very interesting. They have you out there bouncing. Yes. Of all the people. You got Charlie Mac out here making

fucking card games at 450 pounds. And then we have this guy. It's bleeding out of my eyes. You get out of here, mister. You're not allowed in the Dizzy Rooster anymore. You got Charlie Mac being creative and vending shit. You got these A-Z white dudes out there fucking

bouncing at bars. Are you kidding? On the dick. Red band. Red band. I'm a hardworking motherfucker. I have two jobs, actually. Him is hard when I was bouncing on his dick.

All right. All right, right, band. Take your win, take your win. What are your two jobs? Blow in hand? I work at Spencers during the day. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

I work at Spencers. You think I'm gay? Come see me at Spencer. Hey. It takes one of no one, Tony. That's a good, good one. All right. Whoa.

You know a thing or two because you've seen a thing or two. What? You know a thing or two because you've seen a thing or two. Okay. All right. Jesus. You say like six words at once. It doesn't make any...

It's saying thing or two. It's thing and thing or two. It's thing and thing of two. Bang and bang and dang. Can you do me one favor? Can you say suffer and suck at a time? What's that? Suffer and supper time.

Very good. Very good. Nailed it. Nailed it. Okay. Cousin Maddie. When you're not working at Spencer's or bouncing people, everyone out of here. What do you do for fun?

Tell us more about your actual life. Hitting on single moms. Really? That's what you're into. Yes. Wow. When you're hitting on single moms, what's your big pickup line? Do you have like a move that works? Yo, want to go haves these on a bastard?

Wow. All right. What's another one? You have another big line? You have one that works? I mean, I usually go contextual. So I see what's around me. I use my surroundings

to my advantage. Yeah. I feel like nothing you could get arrested for that would surprise anybody that knows. My dad was a fucking state trooper and I have a clean record, believe it or not. Wow. How did he die? He got mowed down by a Prius in Massachusetts.

Whoa. By a Prius? Oh my God. Normally that's a fucking broken ankle. He actually... Who dies from getting hit by a Prius? That's incredible. That's like...

That's like getting killed by a bird scooter. This is amazing. He got mowed down by a bird scooter. Tony, it was actually, it was out 54.7 miles an hour. Oh, my God. He survived and died two years later. He adds S's into things, by the way, accidentally. God has such a great sense.

He was 54.7 miles an hour. It was a spectacular celebration. Oh, my God. You are incredible. That's one word. So did the guy, did the person driving the Prius? What type of person was it? Did she look like that?

It was a he. It was a he. It was a he and he was actually gay. Wow, he was gay. Now, were you talking like that before the gay guy killed your father? That's a question because there could be some psychological transfer here. I've seen this movie. It's like inception or something.

I was a pretty heavy drinker, so I talked a lot slower. Oh, wow. I'm sober now. How did you get sober? Tell us your trick to getting sober. Just put the ball down, went to martial arts, and did this. Martial arts. I do Muay Thai and Kavaga.

Oh, my God. You sober? Just from alcohol? Yeah, yeah, just alcohol. I'm open to marijuana. I wasn't off. Just for, you know, just a little bit of meth. Hey, the hog stuff

Hey, Brian, I actually gave you a light When you were walking by Disney Rooster one night You were walking by you said, hey, you got a light? I said, yeah, actually I do. I whipped up my common mother'ship lighter You gave you a light. Wow, amazing. That's amazing.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So, you know Krav Maga and Moitai, you said? Yeah, I've trained Muay. I'm a little rusty. because a little rusty hope you don't mind come see me at Spencer's

this is amazing the Disney Rooster or Spencer's or celebrations that's another bar I'm the first bucket pole I didn't get to have a sip of water before I didn't have a sip I didn't have a bucket

I didn't have a scissors no so it sounds like one of those little Evian bottles that like you can spray your fingers I swear to go Tony. If you make fun of the way I talk one more time, I'm gonna sit on your face.

No, I just beat the fuck out. I'm not like that. No, I've seen your face. I'm not like that. No, I've trained more Thai. I've trained Kavaga. Wow. So you're just baiting everybody with these zesses. You just want someone to make funny you so you could just rip their fucking penis off and shove it up your ass. We got D. Madness getting uncomfortable back here. the famous homophobe D-Madness on the bass guitar does not...

This guy does... He's like, those asses sound suspicious as a motherfucker. I can't see him, but he sound gay as a bitch. Oh, shit. I'll tell you what, buddy. You're leaving here with a medium-sized

Bucky's homage, handmade Bonsai Kiltony jokebook. There you go, pal. And he drops it. D. Fun times, Cousin Maddie. Way to get the bucket started for us. There you go.

So you see, that's how it goes. Sometimes the minute, not great, but the interview can be amazing. Oh my God, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Live in the flesh. All right. That's one bucket pull down. Hello there. It's a scorching sports summer, and you can make all your picks on prize picks.

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build a lineup with players' stats, pick game winners, spreads or totals, and combine them in the same lineup. It's available in all 50 states. That's right. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups when you win your first $5 lineup. Prize picks America's number one sports pick app. We're getting word. He's back at the Disney Rooster picking up a shift at Spencer's summer. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name.

Obviously anything can happen here, people. Make some noise for Clifton Harris, everybody. Here we go. What up, y'all? I've been doing comedy since 1984. In a different venue. For the past 42 years, I've been a professional rodeo clown. Thank you. Traveling full time. I raised my kid in the business. We were Hollywood and Bougarhead. I'm Hollywood Harris.

and my little boy named Boogerhead. We traveled all over the country, and I'll tell you, we were in Johnson City. I was in Johnson City just a couple weeks ago. He was at the PBR this weekend. Anybody go? That entertainer out there, Brinson James, that's my little boogerhead.

So I tell you what, we've done a lot in rodeo, but this comedy thing, pretty new, standing up here in front of it, everybody, I figured I'd tell a few jokes and not get run over. All of the other comics, They get ripped by Tony and heckled a little bit. And if I bomb, I get a horn in the ass, all right? I don't know.

You know, I've never had one enter my ass, but I've had two friends of mine that have ripped their colon apart. But I tell you what, I got... Just keep going, Clifton. I got punched in the ass also one time so hard. It gave me a nosebleed. I wouldn't open for about 30 minutes. It hurts.

Trust me. Thank you guys very much. All right, Clifton Harris, ladies and gentlemen. And let's check in with Brian Simpson first. I feel like somebody told him the interview was first. He was. Yeah. I had no questions for you, Clifton.

All right. See y'all. Thank you. No, amazing. I'm kidding. Stay up here. You wish, motherfucker. I was so gay.

This is my first time here, but this was more gay than I thought. Oh, it's crazy. You're here in the... Oh, my God. We did. We went from an action. actual gay man to fucking Dallas Byers Club over here.

This is absolutely incredible. So you were a rodeo clown for 42 years? I still am today. Wow. Forty-two years in the game. I'll be in Cherokee, North Carolina next week. Oh, my God. The following week, I'm in...

All right, that doesn't matter. Yeah. You're going to be there anyway. So you have a son that does it as well. How old's he? 33 now. Superstar. Wow. He's like...

He just worked Madison Square Garden last year. Wow. Amazing. We just got back from Madison Square Garden too. Only major building, I think, that I haven't worked myself. And I got in the PBR, and then they went into the Madison Square Garden after I got out. Wow. You got out at the wrong time. I did. But my son, you leave it to your kids, man. You know, you hope they do better than you. Amazing. You passed the red blanket thing. We've been blessed, very blessed.

Wait, is your son also being a rodeo clown better than you? Yes, he is. He's been doing it since he was two years old. Yep, he started in the act with me at two, grew up and started flying around the country with me. So some real carnies shit, right? Well, carnies and rodeos are way different. Really? Tell us about the differences. We don't know. Tell these people.

Rodeos are cowboys. The real deal. I grew up in the cattle business. My dad was in Waco, Texas. I was born there. We moved to Florida in 1970 to ship cattle back west. So, you know, rodeo just kind of came in. in the field there and guys did it that worked for my dad

and I always wanted to ride bulls and I couldn't ride bulls so I rode bucking horses all through high school and a scholarship started clowning and they fucked up and paid me. Wow. We've been blessed. I've been wrecked and I've been blessed. What's the worst injury that you've had out there getting run over by bulls? Well I was in Boston one time and this guy

uh... this guy the bull stepped in his man nuts, all right? And I grabbed him. The bull fighters took the bull the other way, and I run in and grabbed him up, and I took him to the fence, and I got him up on top of the fence. And when I got on the fence trying to get out of the bull's way, it kind of leaned back. And I was like, oh, shit, I'll just sit real tight. Well, the bull hooked me in the ass, and I expected to go over the fence. Okay, Red Band. What did you? Have your finger hovering over the fart button? You are such a child. This is about a man's integrity on the line here. Don't mess with his indigrity Watch for years He's never had that timing yet But good job

Oh my God, that's hilarious Fuck you With what Oh, I love it, Clintonairus But anyway, the bull hooked me And the next thing I know I was ripped off the fence And I looked down And my pants were stretching

And I'm oh my God, but anyway, he hung his horn in my pants and ripped them down around my feet, and I was hung to his head for 50 seconds. With no pants on? Was it the last comedian? They were right around my feet, and they wouldn't come off. And so I was swinging, and he kicked both shoulders out of joint, and did a Joe Thaisman on this leg, if y'all guys know what that is. Snacked it off.

Wow. But luckily, you know, time slows down when you're about to die. I don't know anybody ever about to die in here. Time slows down when you're about to die, and you go, good Lord, help me. And everything... Are you about to say that the Lord came down and helped you right now?

Boom, my pants, my shoes came off. And the pants came off, and I took off crawling to the fence. This shoulder's completely out of joint. This arm's broke. And when I roll over, my leg's going yonder. Right. And the stories are really long. Now I know our roto clowns don't talk.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I was hoping the story was going to be less than eight seconds. In rodeo fashion, Clifton, let me ask you this. Here's the question on everybody's mind, I do believe. Do rodeo clowns get a lot of pussy? Well, let me answer that to me. I got pussy in 1985. I actually met my wife in 86, and then, you know, it was about 85 degrees. It was about, I think it was July 21st, 22nd, I don't know.

The sunset at 7.56, and then the sun rose. at 823. I was actually wearing fruit of the loom. I bought him at Target. She thought I got at Walmart. I swear to God, I can't believe Spider-Man's on it's a fucking movie, man.

I missed it first. Remember Batman when it first started? That was so good. Adam West, and he was good. Christopher Reeve, he actually died and fell in off the horse. I actually bucked it. And now my son

getting more pussy than me. They about You can't nail it? Pretty much. Amazing. Amazing. But what's the real story? You've been married the whole time?

Are you out there fucking... I would... God, I might have hoped she ain't watching. No, I was married for 27 years. I fucked all of that up, you know what I mean? So... Yeah. I got a good one now, and it's been a real good life, you know.

But I've learned a lot of stuff on the road. I've found some stuff you would never, ever find. Yeah, like what? A short story. A short story. That's good. That's so fun. I found my son. Another son. You found another son that you made out there.

Tell us about that. I don't care how long it takes you. I want to know. I'll give you the rest of the episode. This is like the fucking guy from the big Lobowski that's at the bar. Well, that was the story of Lobowski that day. We didn't know anything else about him, but that's just who he was. folks. I found my son that day. All right, let's hear it. I was in Bryant, Texas.

Guy hands me over a letter. I'm in a clown outfit. Guy hands me over a letter, and I look at it, and I say, hey, man, I don't have my glasses. Read it later. It's not important. And I took it over to my girlfriend. I stuck it through the fence. I said, read this. Give me a thumbs up or thumbs down. I need to know. That's kind of how we do thing. Oh, yeah.

And I took off and did the calf scramble at the rodeo, and I came back, and I'm looking through about three fences and she's going, holy shit. Boy. And I was like, what? And she goes, Oh, shit. I'm like, what?

So I go over to the fence, I say, what do you fucking talk about? He said, his wife bought him ancestry this year. She had bought me ancestry last year. I figured I'd be up to my belt buckle in him by now. Uh-huh. And I go over there. It took him that long to find me.

I guess clown DNA ain't that common, you know? Must be the nose. But I look up in the crowd, and here's this fucker, looks exactly like me. Oh, my God. Exactly like me. He looked 65 years old as well? Actually, I'm 66 today.

Wow, look at that. Unbelievable. But this guy looks exactly like my dad. My dad's twin brother, my son, my brother. He looks exactly like the rest of us. Wow. And he's amazing. He's a retired Navy.

His wife's a doctor. He lives in Waco. He's from Coleman, Alabama. Wow. Just by happenstance, he lives in Waco and found us on the Internet. Amazing.

And we have been blessed ever since. I tell you what, this is a family come together. And Waco's my hometown. How would you know? Amazing. What are the odds of that? We've got a good life.

That is incredible. And you're proud of him. He's not gay or anything. He does have a Jeep and he got the little ducks on the... Well... Gay. Someone's been shopping

at Spencer's. I tell him that's how I know he's gay, but anyway. Oh, I love it, man. I have an old man question. I notice your glasses are, like, separated. Do they, is it like a... Oh, my... Oh, look how cool this fucking Cowboys.

Look at this guy. I play a lot of poker, so I need to see. Wow, look at you. Well, you are a real man. Very rarely do we have real men on this show, especially out of the bucket. this is incredible. Tell us, tell us what do you think is, you know your whole life,

you know everything. What is the most manly thing about you before I let you go? This has been a long interview for such a terrible set, but you are an intriguing man. And I love a good interview. And this is my only chance I'm going to have you. I don't know. I think

just being a little bit vulnerable. Wow. Powerful answer. That'd be probably the biggest thing I could do over the, over the, over the There's a bunch of A bunch of... Hey, come do my fucking job, pussy. Yeah!

Do one of the rare things where the minute was just okay, but man, the interview's so goddamn good and honest and cool. There's a big joke book, my friend. Pudson hair. So fun. God damn. We got all shapes and sizes

so far out of this bucket. We got a little homo and an old tough guy so far. What can happen next? Make some noise for your Ivan Volkov, everybody. Here comes Ivan Volkov. Oh, we've seen Ivan before.

Here comes Ivan again. I watched a new Moana movie recently. It was pretty good. It was a little girl find precious object in water and put back into a volcano mountain. It is like a Lord of the Rings for people who want to watch something less gay. Ever since producer

and ladiesman Harvey Weinstein go to james, in jail. Hollywood movie not as sexy, you know. Moana was on island full of native peoples, and Dwayne Drog Johnson had the best teeth. I don't care that they were fake, I still pay $20 to see them. But YouTube is new Hollywood now. YouTube, Hollywood going into the garbage,

YouTubers making movie. I can already hear these sexual allegations. Mr. Beast told us, last one to take their hands off as balls. get a thousand dollars. It was terrible. Thank you. Ivan Volkov, ladies and gentlemen.

Ivan, you were famously on the show just a few weeks ago or a month ago or so. When was that? Right around then? It was a while back, I think. A while back. Month and a half. Well, welcome back.

This guy is Mexican. You're a Mexican with a Russian name and of an extremely Russian accent. Yes. But you've never been to Russia. No, never. Unbelievable. Does anybody here believe him?

No. This is absolutely incredible. But you spoke with your dad so much as a child that you sound like that now. Yes, this is what he sounds like whenever you speak English. And that's really how you talk all the time. Most of the time. When do you change your voice? Whenever I'm Mexican restaurant, I ordering to.

Can you, can we hear how you would order at a Mexican restaurant or how you talk to the waiters at a Mexican restaurant? Can you do some chilequiles, for favor? Wow! Absolutely incredible. That is amazing. Michael, what did he say? What did he say, Michael? Oh, wow, some chili quiles, please.

They're delicious. Absolutely incredible. They are delicious. Now I see you have a grill. Did you have a grill in your mouth last time you were on? Yes. You did, and I just didn't notice it. Give me a little smile.

Let me see that. Wow. Absolutely incredible. You have a Mexican heritage, a Russian accent, and black te. This is amazing. That is amazing. How long have you had a girl before?

I've had it before about maybe six years. But this is common. My grandmother, on my mother's side, she has gold teeth, so. Mexican women have gold teeth. And a little bit of mustache, but that's okay. Yeah. You have your grandmother's mustache as well. Thank you.

Incredible. Wow. And what did, and your grandma's in Mexico? Grandma's in Mexico? No, she in the ground already. Oh, my goodness. That is not Chile-Kiles at all. Wow.

She's still in Mexico technically. Right, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Amazing. Wow. Yes, she is. Amazing. So, how about Dad?

Is Dad still alive? Yes. He's in Mexico. Yes. And he's being Russian in Mexico. I correct? Yeah, he's, he keep to himself, you know. What does he do for a living? What does a Russian guy do in Mexico for a living? Because it seems like all the Mexicans would have all the jobs for sure.

I mean, they have most of our jobs, so I can't even imagine how much they're dominating in Mexico. I don't know. He retired now. So I think he just, you know, hanging out, taking his time doing nothing, maybe. What it, what he used to do? Do you know what he used to do? So cocaine, drugs. That's what's the vibe I'm getting. Drugs and horse. For sure.

Was that basically, was he involved in maybe some crime, but it's all good now? We call it the waste management. That's right. Okay, very good. I had a feeling. I'm not going to ask anymore, because I've seen some docks on these Mexican cartels. I can't imagine what the Russian guy in that shit is like. He's literally wearing a sex trafficker costume.

That is that. You could buy that at the Spirit Halloween store under Sex Trafficking. Costum. Clarence. It's mandatory. Grill fits any size. Amazing, Ivan. And remind me, how do you make money nowadays?

What are you, what kind of hustle are you on? I do electrical, but I recently get promotion. Oh, yeah? Tell us about this promotion. I do quality control now. So what exactly do you do? You just kill people if they do a bad job? No, no, no, no.

What I do is people do like they put product out. They put what? Product. Oh, product, yeah. And then I make sure product okay. Yeah. If it's not okay, they no longer get to put up. You did that first if it's not okay.

Yeah, they lose job. I slit throat, huh? I slit throat. Chili-killy. Yes. Wow. I mean, you know, Windows Protection Program. Are you sure?

I would not be out here. I think they sent you away. We're going to give you. Some gold fronts. Names. Yes. We're going to teach the Spanish. Ivan is Russian for Juan, so.

It's a Russian John. That would be very bad, very bad witness protection name they give me. Yeah. Gary's just white for white. Okay. Man, you are amazing. What do you do for fun?

I let them go. No, 10 second head start. You go ahead. Go ahead. Have you seen apocalyptic? Yes. A little cat and mouse has never hurt anybody. Oh my God, this guy is unbelievable.

A little cat and mouse. I fucking love it. He watches breaking bad, like, not real. Not believable, you know. But seriously, for fun, what do you do? You must have some hobbies. You ever hacky sack or anything like that? It must be something that you're into, some wacky type of

side hobby, you into something? I like to do, it's hard to explain. I like coloring book. You see this Tony Newton coloring book? Yeah, I like to play cards a lot. I like to play lots of poker. Poker tournament. I like to go to pawn shops a lot.

Oh, tell us about that. What do you do with the pawn shops? Because you look... It sells his weapon. You do. You look like the final boss of the video game, pawn shop. You make it to me now. Good luck.

He looks like he gives you a mission in Grandf Otto. This, this. Respect. Absolutely. He's not denied any of this. Right. He just shook his head. He just laughs along with it.

We're all going to die. My God. Funny story. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Whenever I first sign up, I thought that was. was signing up for a job.

I said, everybody want to kill Tony. What is this? Yeah. Absolutely. A hundred percent. They do. What kind of car do you drive?

I drive 1972 Chevrolet C-10. Oh, you are a classy motherfucker. This is some interesting. We've had a couple real grown men on this show today.

Look at you. I just can't see him talking to a girl. Would you know? like to fuck. No? Okay, I move on. We don't ask. We don't ask questions.

Yeah, he doesn't ask. This guy. I'm sorry, we... We're going to fuck. No, no, no. Yes, it's going to happen. Confidence. You've got to have confidence.

Wow. Do you have any kids? No. What is your secret to not having kids at your wise age? Sometimes... I like to paint the canvas. You know what they mean?

Oh, absolutely. For sure. Hell yeah. He's talking about flattering the blood of any girl that says she's pregnant. Wow.

So that's your trick. That's your trick. You pull out and then all of a sudden they're the wet back. Yes. Ivan Volkov, I find you so entertaining.

You just got a big joke book a month ago, right? Yes, sir. Well, perfect. And what's up? One more thing. I want to tell you, I meet Patrick.

Warburton last time. You did the impression. You met him? I met him. Where did you meet him? I met him at Comic-Con. No way. Yeah.

Did you show him your impression? No, he's seen it already. Oh, wow. He gave me nude photograph. And he tried to kiss me. I bet. I mean, for real, he tried to kiss me. His assistant film everything.

I asked him if... Can you do an impression of what he said to you? He said, uh, we'll make out. That's what they tell me. That is the craziest talent. Can you say that in Spanish? Let's say that in Spanish.

That is good. That is amazing. So obviously, Patrick Warburton, huge kill Tony fan, was watching that episode, found you, and then you went to Comic Con to meet him. What kind of Comic-Con was this? It was the one in Belton. It was the one in where?

Belton, Texas. Oh, okay. But what was just like a regular Comic-Con? Yeah, I meet him, Pink Ranger. I meet her. Who? Amy Joe Johnson, the Pink Ranger. Oh, the Pink Ranger.

It's so funny. A thick Russian accent. I meet the Pink Ranger. She gave me a picture. I give her picture of mine, too. Wow. My God, the fall-off from Patrick Warburton to the Pink Ranger. is unbelievable.

Beautiful lady. She is? Oh my God. How hard did you rape her? Huh? No, no. No, I'm just kidding. Just kidding. You would never.

Never. I would never. Many respect for Pink Rangers. Wow. Where did you? I can't see. There's no rape. No, you say yes.

You say yes. You want to? No, no, you say yes. You just said yes. Yes, yes. It is. funny because we're trained. We're trained as Americans since we're little kids that you hear a Russian accent. It means, I'm going to kill you. I will destroy you. I will eat your whole family. And then all of a sudden it's fucking, no, we respect Pink Ranger. It's just the gap between what we're told to expect from that accent and the respect for the Pink Ranger. That's your favorite one. That's your main ranger. Pink Ranger. Pink. Ranger all the way.

Only Ranger. Pink Ranger. Is that the original Pink Ranger? She went by what? Kimberly? I remember that. See, I remember that. I had a nephew. I was never into the past.

I was a Ghostbusters kid. But I had a nephew that was obsessed with the Pink Rangers. And I happen to be an unbelievable uncle. So I remember that because I would converse with my nephew. Yeah. I'm an unbelievable uncle. It is true.

Wow. Fantastic. You are so goddamn interesting every fucking time you're on this show. I love your style. You already have a big joke book. Keep signing up. I want to talk with you more. Some long interviews tonight.

I've got to be honest with it. But the people are so damn interesting. It's so good. There goes Ivan Volkov. Hello there. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real. You know, when I launched the Killmarch.com storefront,

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It makes some noise for Alan Fox, everybody. Here comes Alan Fox, everyone. Holy shit, what's up, guys? Did not expect to get pulled up. Alan Fox is a stage name. My actual last name is Kim. And I was really fighting, like, whether or not I want a stage name or whatever I want to go, Alan Kim.

Because any time you tell someone that, you want to do comedy as an Asian guy in Austin. People are like, oh, like fucking Hans Kim. Like, it's like, oh, fuck, can't I have a different fucking hero? So, like, every time, like, people are like, hey, like, you want, you like comedy? Like, like, Hans Kim, are you guys cousins? And it's just like, no, bitch. Like, I don't know fucking Hans Kim, you know.

It's just like, it's just, I don't know, like, there aren't too many heroes as far as, like, Asian comics go. There's like fucking Bobby Lee. And there's Hans Kim. And I fucking like them both. Like, they're fucking dope. just like, God damn it, like, can't I have, like, a different hero

than just those two, you know? Like, there's no, I'm not shit on them. Like, they're fucking, like, they seem cool, but, like, I don't know. I met Hans Kim once. He's, like, two inches taller than me, and I was like, fuck you, man. Yeah, that's it.

Thank you very much, guys. Alan Fox, only talking about Hans Kim for his minute, trying to separate himself from being confused for and everything with Hans Kim former regular of the show Hall of Famer, legend of Kill Tony folklore and to distance

yourself from this misunderstanding of being often confused for Hans Kim or asked about Hans Kim you've chosen tonight to solely talk about Hans Kim. Yeah I mean like you know I have a very complicated relationship with him I mean

he was just respond to my fucking letters man and like I feel like... Gary, you're right. This is the gayest show on planet Earth. I got to tell you. What's fucking wrong with that, man? What's wrong with that? The Spartans were gay

and they were fucking badass. All right, okay. Okay. What's wrong to be a little gay? Nothing. I agree. All right. You're cool.

You're cool. Bobby Shee. Relax. Bobby Shee. All right. Alan. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like a year, man.

No way. Absolutely. No fucking way. Absolutely. How old are you, Alan? I'm 35. 35. What made you start stand up at age 34-ish?

Because my friend was like, listen, are you going to spend the rest of your life being a drunker and, like, hang out of the strip club all the time? Or do you want to, like, amount? Like, do you want to, like, be... Or do you want to do comedy and do both? Yes, pretty much. Pretty much, man.

Pretty much. Pretty much. How's the drinking going? Good? It's, you know, it could be doing better. I would guess by that set that you are just rock steady with it. You know what?

I legit, like, had no, I didn't think I would be called up. Very serendipitous. So, like, yeah. That happens. It's a random bucket. I mean, that's the only way to get called up to the show.

Well, I feel like as long as, like, I'm, like, cool and chill, like, I'll have, like, an okay time. And, like, hopefully, like, I don't like. Let me ask you this. Yes, let's do it. I'm starting to catch on to something here. Did you maybe have a few cold ones at the bar

while waiting to get up here tonight? Like a high noon or like a white claw? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. A high noon or a white claw or a high noon and a white claw? Maybe one of each, you know. Yeah. What else?

What else? Because you seem like you maybe had a little something at lunchtime, huh? I mean, that was like a good time. Little socky-socky before you sucky-sucky-suck. What's wrong with that, man? I love it. Every time you call him gay, he's like, What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? You know, we all got to be... We're not your dad. You don't have to, like, defend it. We're just making jokes. Are you from SoCal, like Ventura or something? I am not, man.

I wish I was. Like, West Coast Asians are so fucking cool. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago, and we're not fucking cool. Right. Like, I put on, like, this is, like, this is, like, my second favorite t-shirt. and like I put this on in case I get on Kilt Toney

Like if I was like from the West Coast I'd have like a chain and like fucking like Jordans and shit And like my hair would be spiked But I'm just like I just showed up Wow He looks nothing like his voice Yeah I know No no it's just it's from work

It's from work What do you do for work? I'm a fucking car salesman man Oh my God Yeah shit has not been going well Wow He's like It's like saying like you're going to start stripping.

Like something happened and on a different trajectory. How long have you been selling cars for? Like three years, man, three long years. Wow. And were they Toyotas or Hondas? They are Toyota. Wow, absolutely incredible. How could I have known?

This is the second time we've spoken about cars, actually. Really? This one time I went and saw you and I was in the audience. and you're trying to do some crowd work and you pointed out all the Asian people like, I bet you drive a civic bitch and then you call out like, what do you drive, sir?

And he was like a civic and you're like, yeah, bitch. And the crowd goes wild. You forgot to mention that part. Yeah, because it's a thing that I've noticed. It's my own personal racist studies. I've learned that Asian people are loyal to Asian car brands and it works 100% of the time except when I shot my special, that suck.

Oh. Well, and you pointed it to me. The first Asian lady ever to drive a fucking Tesla during my fucking special because her husband bought it for it because it's self-driving because he has an Asian wife. Anyway. No, no, no, no, dude.

Like, I'm sorry, my mother's like an Asian lady, but, like, get the Asian ladies off the road. Like, I'm sorry. Oh, I love it. You're with them. Like, I've seen my mother, like, drive a car. Like, we don't need more of that. Like, let's just like, last Asian ladies on the road.

You said it, brother. Yeah. Hey, you've only been doing it a year. Keep talking about your mom driving. No more Hans Kim. Yeah. No, no, no. I'm not shit on him.

I'm not shit on him. No, we know you're not shitting on him. But bringing him up, it's like just messing up your whole thing. You didn't do any jokes. You just kind of... I didn't do any jokes. You know, I had some jokes about, like, being 35, and my life's not paying out.

But then I just thought of Hans Kim. He's, like, two inches taller than me. And I was, fuck that guy. We know that. We know that. I guarantee you, Ivan's backstage. I can take care of him for you. Take care of Hans Kim

No, no, he's gone. He seems like a nice guy. I won't want something bad happening. He thinks I'm serious. Yeah, I don't know. That seems kind of me. I saved Hans Kim's life. I'm a fucking hero, man. You keep mentioning that Hans Kim is two inches taller than you

instead of saying two penis lengths taller than you. Asian penis length? I'll take the help in either area, man. I bet his credit scores higher than mine too Yeah, it definitely is. Totally. How many, if you had to guess how many Toyotas you've sold

in the three years of being a Toyota salesman, can you give us a ballpark? I don't know, because sometimes I'm like really good, but sometimes I just fuck off. Give me a ballpark here. Oh, I don't know. Let's say 10 a month. Whoa.

That's more than anybody would have guessed. Like you got like 10 to 12 is like, you got to be retarded to not sell 10 to 12. Right. I'm not using that word, you know, offensively.

It's just like, you can't. Guys, yeah, relax. He can say it. Look at his face. He has Down syndrome. I have Down syndrome.

You can, like, put on your pants. You should be able to sell 10 to 12. Right. He's an Asian with Down syndrome, or as we call them, our valedictorians. Yeah.

Oh, I was proud of that one. You guys, you guys are smart until you become drunker. car salesman. It was implied that I'm a drunk. What's your dad? Is your dad Asian too? My dad is Asian, man. Mom and dad both Asian.

Sometimes I forget, but I like bumping it to him and they're like... And he's like, we are very disappointed in you. They fucking are, man. You are not a funny Sarah Toyota. I am not a good Asian, man. You are not a funny.

I'm like, don't dress well. Does your dad try to get you to go back to school? Uh, nah, man, not really Nah, man Does your dad Does your dad know what you're into? Yeah, man, like, I think so. Like, I've, like, the key to my, like,

relation to my parent, I've already done the most fucked up shit So, like, everything I do now is, like, totally acceptable. And, like, well, at least he's not doing dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Like what? What did you used to do that was more disappointing than being a gay car salesman. A closet. Fucking closeted, man.

There's a difference. Right. You're not in the closet anymore. I could be. No. No, you're not. That shit has sailed, my friend. Kick me out again.

That Toyota has sailed, my friend. That Toyota has sailed. I used to do hair on. Oh, wow. Like needle in the arm. seven, like for seven years. Wow. How did you kick that habit?

What karate kick? Tony, you know, you're being a little racist, but kind of, oh, it's so fun. It's so fun. If being, if that's racist, then I don't want to be right.

No, no, no, no. I karate kicked it. You're the miracle of God. I don't know what, but like, I put the needle down one day. So, like, everything I do now is just, like, my mom's like, you shouldn't vape so much. I'm like, oh, at least I'm not doing heroin. Dude, Hans Kim would have laughed at that karate kick joke.

Yeah. For sure. I bet he would have. He would have loved it. And he would have been much taller and thinner. I am, like, I have put on some weight recently. Like, I'm not proud of it. Like, I fluffed out.

It is. Like... You look like if Hans Kim had a baby with a French bulldog. I'll take that, man. You're adorable. He doesn't like a Frenchie. I think your issue is you are wrong about what's interesting about you

What is interesting about it? Well, I don't know yet I don't know what's interesting about me You know if you keep doing it You'll figure it out, Alan Fox In the meanwhile here's a medium-sized joke book Let's see if old drunky pants can catch this I got go to pride fix right now

Slash Tony And it placed your back because it probably ain't happening. Whoa, look at that. Look at that. With the tongue out, drunk as fuck. There he goes. Alan Fox,

a.k. Alan Kim. All right, let's get a regular up here, ladies and gentlemen. We have one of our great regulars that writes and performs a brand new minute. Every week, makes some noise for the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. It's Dedrick Flynn,

ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Darkstorm Guys can I open up to you I got a big fear of porta potty's And I don't think I'm being Irrational about that I think that's the scariest place

To take a shit in your life Like I would much rather get caught Like being seven years old At elementary school taking the shit Because my shoes were down And then everybody just call you shitty beauty boy Until you in middle school Right? Because it's like a porta potty is like

terrifying. Like, if you ever go to, like, a festival and all they have is porta parties, that's the only time you start acting like women when you just, you look at your homeboys, like, I got a bee. Can you please come with me? Like, you know, like, all of y'all, can y'all, can all 17 of y'all come with me to beat? Because I don't, I don't trust these niggas. What if they decide to flip it over? You know what I'm saying? What if they decide to flip? What if they start a riot and they flip over the porter potty? Can y'all watch out for me? Like, his, Like, what you know about being drunk and then walking home?

And on the way, when you walk home, you gotta pee, but you see a porta potty, but you can't trust it, right? Because there ain't no ring cameras on the porta potty. Like, you know what I'm saying? So they can do whatever they want to use. So you go pee in the bush, because bushes are safe, right? Bushes are safe. Portapotis aren't, because we're scared of the same two things that can happen.

Like, you open up the porta potty, and it's just like an undercover cop, and that niggas, like, aha, I got you, you got to be. Or worse, it's like a homeless wizard, and that nigga convinced you that the porta-potty is a time machine, but you got to touch the blue, right? You know what I'm talking? Y'all know what I'm talking about that time travel blue port-a-body juice?

You got to put your hand in there, and it's going to crawl over your body, like when Neo touched the mirror and the Matrix. Darkstorm, I'm done. Port-a-potty. minutes of nothing but truths about the porta potty. That is one of every man's

greatest fear is having to use a portopati. And Tony, I lived in my car for three years. I'm used to shit in outside. Right. You know what I'm saying? But that shit is terrifying, man. And I'm sick of holding this fear in. And I'm glad there are people who can openly

admit we can all be tough about that. Are you scared of the porta party is Brian Simpson? I don't fuck. We used to when I was deployed, we would We would, like, dip the whole roll of toilet paper to make a little pile so the blue water didn't splash up on it.

Oh, my God. Innovation. Yeah, you got to pile it up so you don't, because that blue splash, it's stick to your butthole, and it makes you feel different all day. You can't just... You got to go home. You don't feel unclean.

You can't wash it off. You got to go home. You got to go to bed. You got to take a shower, go to bed. You got to sleep in the bathtub. Dee's going to use one right now. He's going to use the portal. He doesn't know what they look like.

Blue water. I gotta see this shit. Have you ever shit in a porta potty? I've never shit in one of them. Well, I mean, it looks like you've shit in everyone that I've ever gone into. I gotta tell you, Red Band. Those things are an absolute disaster.

You do wonder, when you see them, you're like, who's shit in this? Yeah. You really think that. The only reason to go in there. To shit? Yeah. They specifically for shitting.

I mean, like you say, you don't piss in a potter potty. Oh, I'm pissing them? Yeah, I'll tell you this. I've peed. I've gone to Bonaroo and, like, music festivals and stuff when I was younger. I've peed in porta-potties.

I've pooped in porta-potties. But what I have never done in a porta-potty is inhaled. A little fun fact. I'm like fucking David Blaine on that shit. I will say, they'll go in and I come out. I'm as blue as the water on the inside.

I'm on my fucking deathbed. You can't pee in there. I'm just scared. Like some of the shit gonna come up through the stream. Like it's gonna swim up from the beach. Oh, yeah. Like the blues gonna climb the piss and then get the balls. Yep. And then you become a smurf.

Yeah, again. No doubt about it. It is incredible. Oh, I literally, I'm like, oh yeah, exactly. I never believed in the COVID mask, but I will not inhale whatever the fuck's in there. Man, yeah, you really covered it. Where was the porta potty that in?

inspired this material. Was there a specific one out there somewhere? This is what happened. Oh, yeah. And this is me, because I can I open up to you, Tony? Absolutely. So, I had... Give me a little porta-pottie background music here.

A little something for the port-a-potty people. Let me give you some porta-potty music. We're pushing Pee right now. Little porta. No, Red Band, come on. So, uh, we had threw a crab boil at Carlos Sosa House. It was me, him, and Matt Mueller. Oh, wow.

And I bought a bunch of crabs and strips and stuff like that. And then I had left day house And then I went and I was getting drunk You know what I'm saying Not like that last dude That nigga like me at 1.30 at Mitzies You know what I'm saying And it's only 8 o'clock now

And so I was walking I took a live scooter But it ran out of power And then when I was walking to my neighborhood I had taken shit And I saw one And then the black inside of me said Uh-uh

That's deep Wow That's deep Wow That was beautiful You guys didn't I mean imagine You didn't do a saxophone solo from the crab oil?

You didn't do nothing? That wasn't inspirational? Do you inspire? That, man, that's what? You know this nigga got like a castle that he lived in? Like that shit was like a Mexican castle. That shit was so fun. Did you, where shit, though?

Did you end up shitting outside? No. But I did, I did remember that I can't run fast. And so I did that. You started running? Oh, absolutely. You can run so fast if you got a shit. Like, you can run.

You can run as fast as a car if you got this shit. You can hop a fence like all of it. I was actually really proud of myself. Wow. I was just so, oh, man. Guys, that's what I'm saying. Follow your dreams. You know what I'm saying?

You can really, you can hold, like, some of it got out, and I threw that stuff away. What time of the night was this? When the moon was up. Wow. Amazing. He was an impressive moon night. He goes off of werewolf time, ladies. gentlemen. I love it. So people just saw you. There could have been there. There we go.

I'd love to know exactly where your Lime Scooter died. How far of a distance was this? It was, well, I didn't have to poop until I got off the Lime Scooter mid-walk. Oh, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes like cardio and caffeine will inspire you to have to poop. All right, let me, I'll do a song about it, Tony. Oh, shit. Oh, man, come on. Guys, let's take these guys on a walk down, Riverside Drive. We have no deep madness, so you're on bass too, D's. But you know that. I was walking home from doing a crap world.

Going to coproixen. Going to Shakespeare's. My belly's feeling weird. It's starting to bubble up. Oh shit's the bubble gun. My scooter just died. I have to prove the scene number two. If it happened to me can happen to you,

you can run for me. That was good. I appreciate that one. That was good. We all do a good job. You all do a good job. What I want to know is how many people saw you running and called the cops? That's a tough life.

They showed up, but I was like, I'm Joe Rogan friend. Perfect. That's right. They're fine. Get up off the fucking ground right now and go shit, sir. They were like, oh, dark storm. And then he just put the gun back in the whole single time. It's a perfect living.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dedrick Flynn, everybody. There he goes. The one and the only. And back to the bucket we go, everybody. We're having fun tonight. We're flying through it. Hello there. You know, every week I watch people come up here and absolutely destroy their self-esteem.

Unfortunately, Morgan and Morgan cannot help with that. But if you're actually injured because of someone else's negligence, now. That's a different story. Isn't that the truth, Heidi? My goodness. Morgan and Morgan have been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. They've got more than 1,000 lawyers, 100 offices nationwide, and they've recovered over $35 billion for their clients. Red Band. So if your car gets totaled, you get hurt at work or somebody else's bad decision becomes your very expensive problem, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Mm-hmm. No doubt about it. And let me tell you right now, you can go to for the people.com slash Tony to start your claim.

Their fee is free unless they win. And again, hurt feelings do not count. Let me remind you, they've won a lot of people, a lot of money. And it's not easy to make a lot of money these days. So go out there and just basically use them to make yourself some money. Find anything you can do. Make some money by using Morgan and Morgan. If you have to, you know, create your own situation, then do it.

And use them. Make some money. Go to Morgan and Morgan. Go to for the people.com slash Tony so that they know that we sent you. And, you know, get yourself a little something extra. Not one gay joke. Not one gay joke. That is incredible.

It seems as though the show is straightening up, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps we can keep it going with the comedy stylings of Bucket Pool. Mark Donovan, everybody. Here comes to Mark Donovan. What's up, guys? I just got back from taking a shit into Port-a-Potty. I don't know. It felt great. I'm not in the best shape.

I've been trying to lose weight recently. I've been doing okay. I lost about 15 pounds last week. Yeah. Thank you. I can't find that dog anywhere. Yeah. And it was my brother's dog, which is, I mean, he's pissed now.

Now I don't get to watch his other dog while he's out of town. So, you know, I lost his dog and I lost his trust. But I got my weekends back. It's not all bad. I work at Lowe's. I sell flooring. Didn't know that was a joke.

But I basically spend most of my day moving gigantic 50-pound bags of grout, which is just this fine white powder that ends up all over my upper body. So I get home basically looking like I've just been titty-fucked by. a very dehydrated ghost. Yeah. And, you know, that's all I got. Thanks. Mark Donovan, ladies and gentlemen.

Mark, welcome. How old are you? 43. 43. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've got about 50 sets under my belt. 50 sets. Yeah, it's taken about a decade to get that many because, yeah.

Because you're so busy with the flooring? Yeah, no. I, uh, I, my first set, I wasn't really trying to do standup. I had a friend doing it and wanted someone to do it with him. Nice. And, uh, you know, that went great. Uh-huh. So well that I didn't do it again for like five or six years.

And what made you want to restart it? What made you want to do it yourself? Is your friends still doing it? No, not right now. Okay. So no. No. Right.

Okay. Yeah. No. Uh, the reason I started again, honestly, was, I don't know, I enjoyed it, even though I sucked at it. Yeah. And I just sucked at everything else. So I was like, why not? Absolutely agree. I'm 43 at an entry-level job at Lowe's. Let's try something else. Why do you have that job? It was basically, it was a job I got six months ago.

What were you doing before that? I had a window washing business. What happened to your window washing business? I didn't like to sell, and it's hard to run your own business when you give yourself the day off every day. Right. So. That'll do it. Yeah. Have you ever thought about selling Toyotas? I hear anybody can do it. Hadn't considered it, but maybe it's an option. What do you do for fun? You're 43. You have kids? You have a wife? You have anything?

No kids. No wife. No family. No pets. Any plants? You have a cactus or something for Christ's sake? No, nothing. I am unencumbered. Wow. You have a fucking anything? Do you have a magazine or something? What do you got in this fucking place? How many roommates do you have? I don't know the exact answer. I just moved into the place a week ago.

You don't know a ballpark of how many roommates do you have? I'm guessing four. I've seen... I mean, D. Madness knows how many fucking roommates he has? How do you not know? I've seen three. I've heard a fourth. That's all I know for sure.

I've never seen the fourth guy. And there's like two other rooms in the house that are empty. So, man. Incredible. It's a great place. Okay. So let's talk about it. How did your life end up like this?

how did you end up being 43 and having the life of a 22-year-old Mexican boy? You're selling flooring at Lowe's with a bunch of roommates and dabbling in some hobbies like stand-up comedy. How did this happen? Tell us, because we had an Asian

that survived a seven-year heroin habit that was doing better than you somehow. And he's gay as fuck, by the way. I didn't have to throw that in. That was just for my own entertainment. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with... He's watching right now.

What's wrong with me again, man? What the fuck's wrong with that? Honestly, there's no real answer. You didn't even do heroin for a few years or anything? I have the life of someone who's done a lot of heroin. Tell us about it. What is a day in the life, you know, if we put your whole life together and mashed it into one, like,

median or mode or whatever the fucking right term is, day of your life, what would it be? wake up at around noon, you make yourself a bowl of what cereal or something like that? For a while it was cereal, then fried rice. Wait, would you say full island of cereal? For a while. Oh, for a while to cereal. What's your cereal of choice?

You seem like a cookie crisp guy. You seem like a guy that's just like, fuck it. I'm going to put milk on this dessert. Well, if you're eating cookie crisp, you might as well just have ice cream, but I usually go cinnamon toast. Let me go to my cereal ice cream's correspondent Brian Simpson here. How are you so happy? Because I feel like you're not sad enough for the level of loser. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Because you got so much joy for somebody to got nothing going on at all. Yeah. No, I'm like, Tony, I don't got no money, no bitches. I don't got no hobbies, no friends. But I'm doing great. You're not the first person to remark about that to me. It is incredible.

it doesn't bother me. Of course it wouldn't. That's exactly as point. Look at you, you're happy as fuck. Yeah. I don't know. I'm pretty content being by myself. I don't need other people.

I sit around, I watch TV, play video games. I mean, you say, no big deal. Weep is good. Okay. There's a little comedian in there somewhere. Mark, what else? I mean, there's got to be something. We're missing.

What kind of hobbies do you have or something? Used to play a lot of basketball. I basically would enroll in school just to be able to play five or six hours of pickup ball a day. Wow. Sometimes 10 on the weekends. How long ago was this? About two, well, I guess it was about two and a half years ago when I moved from Utah up to Dallas. I had been playing about five days a week there.

What made you move to Dallas of all places? My family's in Dallas. So I was in Utah thinking about going back to school and then didn't. And then was like, what fuck am I doing here? What kind of family do you have in Dallas? Your parents? Parents. What do your parents?

What do your parents think about you, 43, Cookie Crisp? They are too okay with it. Right. They're just like you. They don't give a fuck. They're just happy as shit. That's where you get it from. Yeah, probably. Sometimes I wish there would be like,

fucking go anywhere else. They're like, no, no, come back. Why are you leaving? I'm an old man. I need to be away. Absolutely incredible. Incredible. Wow.

This is amazing. This is amazing. I'm prescribing you Asian parents. Your life is unacceptable. You have to get it together. I think it could work. I need exterior motivation. Oh, my goodness.

We've never had anything quite like this. We've never had this level of content. Content. I can just see him selling shit at Lowe. You'll like it. Hey. It's good. It's a floor.

It's a floor. Yeah, it's a good floor. You're looking for a floor? That's a floor. It's a floor. You want wood, marble? Yeah. Good.

Let's go from 104. I give it a floor. It's not far off. Most of the time, people come in looking to buy a floor. You just go, yeah, it's right there. Let me ask you this. Since the thing that we've noticed, and I've got to give Simpson all the credit, one of the highlights of this show for me so far is him highlighting your unbelievable

contentness with your life. Let me ask you this. What is a time in your life in which you have gotten passionately mad about something that really stood out to you? What does it take to wake the beast inside of there? I mean, it doesn't take much. I have a lot of anger.

That's about the only emotion I ever have. Oh, okay. Here we go. I can see him say it, but I'm mad. I am really mad. Where's the cinnamon toast crush? That does help. Wow. Amazing. What's the most mad you've been lately?

What's something that you're passionate about when someone... About, I guess, about four or five weeks ago, I was still up in Dallas. I applied for the position in central Austin, and they didn't give me an interview because I lived too far away, and they gave the job to someone else. I feel like you the type of dude that gets pissed off anytime there's like WNBA news. Yeah.

Yeah. You have a throw-a-dil-do at the court energies. That's what you have. You're that guy, aren't you? Oh, I'm not wasting those. You're the bandit. Oh, see, that's funny. There it is.

We're back. There's a little something in there. There's a little something in there. I love it. All right, Mark Donovan. Well, here. is a, here's a, here's a he's going to be happy

with it every you get. You thought about that way too long. A small joke book for Mark Donovan. We're going to keep it moving. The interviews tonight are fun. All right.

Oh, a lady, fun. Make some noise to your next bucket pole. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Beth Ann, everybody. Here's Beth Ann. I had a friend tell me recently that when he first started having sex, he had to be high. When I first started having sex, I had to be unconscious. Yeah, it's okay, it's okay.

To heal from my sexual trauma, I became a stripper. Hear me out. I'd find a guy and convince him that for $500 I could fulfill all of his wishes. I'd get him to that back room, no refunds, sit on his lap. Look him dead in the eyes and whisper, so what's your first memory of shame? Maybe I'd add a daddy in there to keep the heat alive. I don't think this kind of manipulation is cruel, by the way.

I know what men really want. I know what they're looking for. And in a place like that, they're asking for it. Thank you. Beth Ann, everybody, making her kiltony debut. Welcome, Beth. Can I keep the microphone? Yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Beth? Since November of last year. What made you want to start then? I was asked to do stand-up for an album-release party. Okay. They also asked you to stop? She came. She was hired as a stripper.

They're like, can you tell jokes instead? Who asked you to do stand-up? I don't get it. I don't get it. Who asks someone to do stand-up for an album release party? My friend Tyler. Okay. How did that go?

It went really well. Half of the room was my friends, and the other half was Christians. Christians? Yeah. It was a Christian rock release party? Yeah, I talked a lot about drug addiction, and most of the room couldn't make eye contact with me anymore afterwards.

Why? Why couldn't they make eye contact with you? Because I was talking about being retarded on Xanax. Oh, okay. It went well. Okay. All right. So let's talk about it, Beth.

Are you still a stripper? Retired. How long ago did you retire? Five years ago. Five years ago. And when you retire, what do they do? Do they put your underwear in the rafters or something? So stupid.

I don't know. Do they make you go? halfway up the pole. You have to stay at half-mast for a while. You're looking at me so seriously. What made you retire from stripping? How does one exactly retire? The club on mushrooms, and I realized what was really going on.

When you say what's really going on, what did you, what did you, what was the understanding? What hit you that night that didn't hit you before? Well, I had a guy offer me 20. for sex. Welcome to my... Red Band. Red Band. Come on, Red Band.

Grow up, Red Band. Hit it again. Hit it again, Red Band. Come on. Okay. So, wow. And that guy was like, you can come back. I got cinnamon toast crunch. I got cinnamon toast crunch.

I love it. I love it. $20. I want sex. I swear I'm from Mexico. I'm a Mexican man. Do you like chili killis? What's the normal price?

Like 40 or? Oh my God. Red band. You can't do that. You're objectifying a woman. She's out of the industry. What is the normal price? Just out of it.

No, I'm kidding. $1,000? $1,000? Okay. All right. I would use three condoms at once, but that's an interesting, Interesting number.

I love it. I love it. Okay. So a guy offered you $20 for sex. You're on mushrooms. What goes through your head exactly? It's not going to be funny. Perfect.

Nothing else you set up here was either. So we're just going to keep it right where it's at, right here, live. This is Kill Tony. If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to. But it is... No, I just... I realize that given the... my history of sexual trauma that I was just putting myself in environments where I would continue to receive evidence.

No doubt. No doubt. A strip club would do that without a doubt. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Okay, so what did you do five years ago after retiring from the strip club? What does one who has mastered the art of stripping do after that? I'm a life coach now. Oh, perfect. I'm fully qualified for that.

Alcohol. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Stop it. That is unprofessional red band. Do you do alcohol sometimes?

All right. Okay, so explain to us exactly how you started life coaching. Everyone wants to know what, you know, who these life coaches are. Where do they come from? What's their background? What's their training? How do they have... What?

I can't even have... I can't even. I can't even, I can't even. Yeah, well, it's a drug addict to stripper to life coach pipeline. I started to realize that I couldn't really get guys who wanted to, like, do the strip club thing with me. But they did want to talk to me about their entire life story and all of their trauma. Right. So instead of being at a strip club dancing, having guys offer you $20 for sex, now they come to you or you come to them.

I work with women now. Oh, perfect. Perfect. And so what does the woman's life have to be like? For them to go, I need help. I'm going to go, I'm going to go with Beth Ann to help to help me get my shit together. Yeah, maybe they don't like themselves very much. Right.

I like that. That's funny. I don't experience that problem anymore. Of course. So can you give us an example of a time that someone needed coached, and you coached them and they succeeded. Can you give us like a piece of advice or whatever that you gave them? I was working with a teenage girl who had experienced sexual trauma

and she was navigating some pretty aggressive negative self-belief. Yes. Yeah. So I supported her in reclaiming that story. Nice. And finding a way to paint herself as the victor in this story. Well, that's good. That's great, actually.

Where's your wacky sound effect for that? Huh? What he got there? Huh? What he got? You just hit something. Hit anything. You're taking too long.

All right, red band. Come on. You're a... He's a wild boy on these sound effects, Bethann. Bethann, what else about you before I get you out of here? Give us one more fun fact about the life of Bethann. Sure. Help mention in sexual trouble.

You guys aren't interested in that. No, we are. We are. We were just trying to pretend like we're better than that, but we're really not. So what happened to you? Come on, tell us all about.

Tell us all about. We're a bunch of terrible men. We need a light coach. Blah. So you want something interesting? Yeah, anything. Yeah. The stripper passed wasn't enough.

So, yeah. I mean, I have all sorts of hobbies. I just... You have any special skills or talents? Anything like you have any... You have a hacky sack or anything? Ping pong balls. Red band.

Red band. You didn't have to say the balls part. Maybe she plays ping pong. Yeah. He was on stage earlier, I think. Okay. I have a lot of hobbies. I like to disc golf.

Oh, disc golf. That's a good one. Hell yeah. That's amazing. I love it. I love it. All right, Bethann. Well, I love it that you signed up tonight.

We have all different shapes and sizes of people up here. Trouble. What the fuck was that? What was that? D's, was that you? Hey, Beth Ann, I'm going to toss this little joke book at you. There you go. Fell inside.

Beth Ann, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Beth Ann. Sign up again sometime. We'll see what happens here. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Shane Camp. Here comes Shane Camp, everybody. Hey, before I begin, is there a Glenn here?

A Glenn, he's 5'8, brown hair, brown eyes, 180 pounds, no. I had to try. My name's Shane. I'm trying to quit smoking. They say one way of giving up a bad habit, you got to take up a new hobby. I took up searching for missing persons. So if you guys see Glenn, you let him know I'm looking for him. I know it's not a great description.

Brown hair, brown eyes, but this is Glenn. He was last seen in 2009. Do I ever think I'm going to find him? Probably not. But if I'm not out there looking for him, who is? Absolutely hilarious. I'll be selling Glenn T-shirts after the show. Shane, welcome. Hilarious. Have you been on this show before?

No. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. You're a funny man. How long you've been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up comedy regularly for four years. Four years. Where at? Pensacola, Florida.

Wow. And what has you stuck in Pensacola, Florida, exactly? At age 18, I moved from Pensacola to be famous in television and movies in New York City. I don't know if you've seen them. I'm not in a single one. But Tony, every time I... go broke, I go home. How long

were you in New York for? Well, I was in New York from 18 to 2003 to 2007. I drove a yellow cab. Really? A young white man driving a yellow cab. I was one of the only ones. I met one other one. Wow. Was it Glenn?

It was a cool way to see the city. Wow, yeah. I mean, tell us, you got any crazy cab stories? Being a young man in a cab in New York? I can't even imagine. I saw a guy get murdered once, and then I had a rich white woman make me cry.

Ooh, how did the rich white woman make you cry? Well, she told me to take Central Park, which I took Central Park in my cab. She meant through Central Park, so she waited a while, and I just hear from the back, what are you an idiot? Wow. And I, and just that, no, but she went on just a barricie.

Are you, are you a fucking idiot? And then eventually I just pulled over. I said, get out of my cab. And I had like tears coming down my eyes. And she tried to give me money. I said, I don't want your money. I said, what I did was an accident. What you did was mean.

You're funny even when you're telling sad stories. This is incredible. He's an anomaly, folks. Wow. You are without a doubt the second funniest Shane in the world. Amazing. Amazing.

So, we have this story from 2000, what did you say, 7 to 2000? 2003, 2007. I lived there. I was working out of the New York Comedy Club. And when I say working, open mics in front of other crazy people. Yeah, we know how that works.

And then what? So you go back to Pensacola because you go broke. I went Pensacola and then I went to Chicago after that to try and make it. And I didn't. I went broke, went back home. How long were you in Chicago? Three, four years. Okay.

Three or four years. Awesome city. And then New Orleans. And you were doing comedy in all these places. No, I gave up after New York. Okay. What made you? you give up after New York? I hated

myself. That's when you become a true comedian. I did get funnier after I started hating myself. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome, my friend. No, it was when I gave up. You know, I left Brooklyn right before COVID because I got hit by car and got epilepsy. Perfect. That also makes you funnier, by the way.

All of these things. So the brain injury helped. Yeah. Yep. It does. It helps. So when's the last time? So then you went to Chicago, then Pensacola.

Then Pensacola. You stayed mostly? Yeah, I've been in Pensacola, which actually, after COVID, had a crazy comedy opportunity. So there's a lot of open mics, and I actually got more stage time there than ever in front of regular folks.

And you still have been Pensacola. Yes. How do you make a living? Do you just do stand-up? Oh, I'm, I've had like 40-something jobs. Oh, I love it. So right now is like cabinets. Cabinets.

Yeah. So if you guys need a base 36-inch cabinet, I'm your guy. Wow. Technically, you could get your whole place done here at Kill Tony. We have flooring cabinets. You're leaving here with a brand new Toyota Camry. Black dances in the back.

A deck of homemade cards. Life coach. Congratulations. You have a new life coach, everybody. Set on strip. All right. Wow. Shane.

I did quit smoking to come here. My wife, the only way I would... I spent all my money to go to Madison Square Garden, both nights, and then to come here. So I have $100 left in my name, and it's totally worth it. Really? Wow. You were at both MSGs and didn't get pulled? You were up there the whole time?

That's the way it goes. God damn it. We needed you, especially fucking night too. Jesus Christ. You would have fucking brought the house down, and it would have been a whole story about how you failed in New York and went back, and then you made it in New York.

Wow. God damn it. I know. We cry for us. Yeah. Kino, give me the single spotlight here. Let's see if we can get this going all the way. So good.

So good. I'm getting word. I'm getting word that Zach Efron wants you to be his new stand-in. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Wow. Shane, so interesting. How long are you in town for?

As long as you want me to be. Wow. Look at that. That's amazing. Looks like I have a new boyfriend. Hello. If you're here Thursday, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Southwest, I'll be changing my flights.

Shane, if you had to guess how much stand-up, like a full set, the longest set you could do, how much accumulated material, if you had to just give me a ballpark? My 15 is fucking solid. And are you writing at a good pace? Yeah, I write. Every Monday I try to write for the open mic there, and I try something new. try to do something new all the time but yeah my

solid 15 set is sharp where are you staying where are you gonna stay for the next three days we gotta stay we're gonna figure that out I got I got I'll get your hotel room

look at that and I'm glad I followed my dreams it gets better than that chain because Brian Simpson is going to give you a hundred dollars to your co-funding you're going to double your net worth here. And on top of all that, you just want a golden ticket on Kiltown. Crowds on there. Things are coming true. In Chicago, great performance, great interview.

Everything about you is hilarious, Shane. Come back again and let us know when you want to come cash that in sometime. This was greatest day of my life. Amazing. You did it, buddy. You gambled on yourself and you were correct. You're absolutely hilarious. One more time for Shane. Camp, everybody. Red band's actually crying. There's an actual tear in his eye. Yeah. All right.

Someone's got to follow that. Someone's got to follow that. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It is OG Rod Eccles, everybody. What's up? What's up? What's up? Like you said, I'm O.G. Rod Eccles, man.

I just turned 60. Yep, starting wearing disposable underwear. Yes, sir. I gave the government 20 years of my life. I did six years in the Air Force. 14 years federal prison. Tired from prison, though. PTSD, post-traumatic sex disorder.

Yeah, from no conjugal visits. Just got it here. I went and got me some edibles. I tried some edibles. I said, hey, I want to try some edibles. try some edible. She said, you like cookies? I said, shit, don't that look like I like cookies? She gave me a bag of six cookies. I fucked them up. She said, stop! I said, I'm eating these

fucking cookies. She said, no, son, that's not what you're supposed to do. I said, what do you mean? She's supposed to take a cookie, you break it in half, and you eat it like that. I look at the lady, I said, ma'am, when you ever seen a fat motherfucker eat a half a cookie? That's my time. I appreciate y'all. My goodness. Brian Simpson, your dad is hilarious.

This is a segment on the show that I call Black Man meets his dad. It's a new thing we're doing here. I wanted to surprise you. I know you were wondering why I had you on tonight's show. This is Mr. Simpson. This is Homer Simpson. I love it.

First question, OG Rod Eccles. And I don't want to sound racist here. But how much watermelon do you have to eat to dress like that exactly? Like I've heard you are what you eat but you, my friend, literally look like

a watermelon. Well, to be frankly, I own a men's clothing store in San Antonio, Texas. Beautiful. I like to wear my shit. I like to flex my shit. I love it. I love it. To be frankly, you look awesome. This is amazing. How long have you had... If you red, green

blind, I'm going to be invisible to you. You know, you can't see. Well, D. Madness has no idea what's going on up here right now. I'll tell you that. He's red, green, yellow. Roy G. Biv. Let's put it that way. Well, I'm a retired pimp for one, so I'm used to the swagger.

You don't seem retired at all to me, my friend. You seem like business is motherfucking booming. Yeah. Amazing. How long were you pimping for, OG Rod Eccles? Man shit. I was pimping for quite a while until the... Me, too.

I'm just kidding, go ahead. Actually, I had to start charging surcharges for fuel. You know, gas went up on the motherfuckers. Oh, yeah. These motherfuckers don't want to pay that shit. Right. My motherfuck want to start buying pussy with afterpay of shit. Yep.

I ain't with that shit. Yep. Cash and hand. Yep. Are all your tricks life coaches now? Actually, it ain't not. I mean, you know, so one of my, one of my bitches, you know, she went down to Florida and got a BBL. You know what I'm saying?

she came back. And I'm like, damn, bitch, where you get that ass from? She said she got a BBL. She went to Florida. I'm like, that must have cost a lot. She said, it did. I said, well, how the fuck you're going to do that? She said, they gave me a loan. I said, what kind of loan? She said, they gave me a 30-year loan.

I'm like, damn, bitch, you're 60. Oh, my God. That's going to happen. Oh, my God. Go ahead. Never told us why you got locked up. Hey, I was into, you know, I was in the farm. pharmaceutical sales, you know.

Like I tell him, you know, I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. Actually, that's where I'm from. Hell yeah. Memphis, yeah. The home of you. The great. You get a cocaine fix and bitches turn tricks. You know what I'm saying?

My holes used to suck a golf ball through a garden hole. Yep. And for $20 more, they got a little powder in the nose. Wow. I'm glad you said $20. But that shit got me caught up. She said she was charged charging $1,000. Oh, hey, that bitch shit, that ain't no good pussy right now.

That ain't no good pussy. She's selling conversation. You know, they're saying conversation rule of the nation. That's my boss. Brian motherfucking Sinsen. Holy shit. Oh, my God. I'm in Hustling Flow, too.

This is amazing. I love it. Believe that. Believe that. Get a whoop that trick. Whop that trick. Y'all get whoop that trick. All right.

All right. We're going to set up the YouTube trademark. thing. We can only do, you can only do like five seconds of a copyrighted song on YouTube. It's all good. It's all good. O.G. Rod Eccles. I only have 75 more questions for you.

I mean, you are amazing. So, these hoes out there, can you give us another example? Because we love a good story. All these people, look at these faces out here. There's not a fucking pimp in this room. We want to know. Because we know it ain't easy. We know.

We've been told, Pimpin ain't easy. It really ain't. One of my holes I had to get rid of it. So the bitch called me, you know, the same bitch that got the BBA. Of course. Old ass, old ass, 60-year-old. You don't need no ass. You need a car.

How do you get a loan for ass and you can't? You got a 300 credit score. I'm trying to trip off this shit. So the bitch called me a couple days later. She said, Dad, I got this trick. I need a ride. I said, do you? She said, yeah, can you give me a ride?

It's a call Pat Turner. She said, who? I said, Pat Turner. She said, who is that? I said, bitch, patch your feet and turn the corner. When he started, I was like, he ain't no Pimp. No, I really believe you.

Memphis stand for making easy money, pimping holes in style. Holy shit. God dang. You said, sparing it and I said it, god damn. Oh, man. I know when you was like, good luck following that. I'm going to follow that shit.

My bitch is far as big as shit than that. He fucked up. That is amazing. You are so interesting. Holy shit. Literally prison guards going, oh, shit. Come here, come here, come here.

Put her about lockdown. That motherfucker's on kill Tony, bro. I feel like that cowboy comes up to him and be like, he sold me some pussy and said in your phone. Yeah. Oh, my God. You have any kids, OG Rod Eccles? I got kids.

How many kids you got? I got five kids, man. I got three bisexuals. Oh, shit. One stud and one emotional-ass son that, man, I tell the motherfucker, come on, son, we're gonna go do something. He said, not today, Dad, not today.

I'm like, damn, we just go and fish it. This motherfucker's crazy, man. But, you know, it is like it is, though. It is like it is, though. You are a bumper sticker machine. I got to tell you, everything you say sounds cooler than fuck. It is what it is, though.

You make everything so cool. Ooh, that is absolutely incredible. So six years in the Air Force, that's true, huh? What were you doing in the Air Force? Man, I was a health food inspector, man. What? Yeah. No way.

Yeah. Well, that's like me being a pussy inspector. That sounds unbelievable. That's right. That's right. Hey, I could expect some pussy, too. Well, I bet you have. I bet you have.

Let me ask you this, because I could tell six years in the Air Force, 14 years in prison, but I can tell when I see a man who's been a pimp, whole motherfucking life. You better believe that. So let me ask you. You better believe that. I'm a pussy surveyor. You know, I'm a pussy surveyor.

Hey, you can check this out. You know, I have beef with my lesbians because if two punks together, they can tell what good dick is. And what good ass is. But how to fucking two lesbians tell what good pussy is by

scissoring? In the edit, I want you to superimpose like all those like, all those numbers and math problems that are go over like Gallupinacus's head and that one meme. Just slowly zoom in on me and then put that up there. Come on now, I need to give me an ass on that.

Can you answer that? I mean, personally, as a lesbian, I can tell you that. Smell. My goodness, absolutely incredible. I just want to go to a store. Oh, you know. You don't want that. That's a store where you're like, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm going to really like anything. I'll swing by here just, like, loading the car. I bought one. I'm the only person ever go in that store and buy every small that he had. And Michael Gonzalez. I'll get Michael some matching clothes. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible.

You have a store. Is it like a real store? It's a storefront? I have a real clothing store. Is this in a shed or something? Or is it like on a... I got to sell a pimped clothes. I got a pimped clothes.

Oh, my God. What's it called? Where's it at? What's it called? Upside fashion. It's in San Antonio, Texas. Upside fashion in San Antonio, Texas. You know I need these Yelp reviews, giving me right now.

Upside fashion. It's in the Rolling Oaks Mall. It's in the mall? It's in the mall. Oh, shit. My friend, we made it. And on top of that... On top of that,

On top of that, I have a comedy club in the back of it. Wait, what? I have a comedy club in the back of it, and I run a series called Fashion It'll Be Funny. Oh, my God. My goodness. How many people can you fit back there? I can fit 65 people.

You got chairs for those people? I got chairs. You got damn right. Oh, my God. How many of those chairs have been thrown at hose when they miss the head? Never one? That's what the hands for. You've got to feel it for it to work.

And then I recruit hose in there. recruit my holes in there, you know, high heels and dollar bills. That's what the- Oh my God, he just did it again. He just did it again. He did it again. He snuck another one in on us. God-dammit, I love this guy.

Dollar-been, baby. I can't wait you get spent a centennial. Yeah, kill Tony, ain't for the phony. Hey, I know, I'm a real motherfucker. Bitch. And he's little macaroni, goddamn. That's right. I do.

I do. I also, but... Red band doesn't ought to spell upside or fashion, so we're in real trouble here. Upside. fashion. Up size? Size. Like small, big, tall, we got it all. I got the reviews right here, Tony. They're all positive.

Are you serious? Hold on. Let me, let me, I got to, I got to see this. Hold on, wait. No, no, red band still doesn't have it. Amazing customers. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, oh my God, we have found it. Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm here to tell you, this motherfucker's sitting at a 4.5. Okay. How do you? All right, okay, here we go. So let's read some reviews. I got to tell you, they are all five-star reviews except for what appears to be one.

What I want to know, just like you, is what's up with this bitch-ass motherfucker? What is this motherfucker's problem? And I got to say, it's really hard to get. Probably one of my holes, uh, man. Oh. It was from a,

Anthony Collins. You a guy named Anthony Collins money or something? There's one guy who just left a one star. Everybody else has nice people, very helpful. Friendly service, they helped my son pick out of outfit. They hemmed his pants on the spot and got him the shirt he wanted. I'm a tailor too. I do alterations.

Oh, my God. Is there anything you don't do? I got more jobs than Tommy do, God damn it. Then Tommy do? Tommy. Who's Tommy? Tommy from Martin? Come on now.

Oh, I didn't even realize. We were talking about Martin. I know a lot of stuff. That's a black program. No, no, no, no. I'm all up in the black programs, my friend. Absolutely. Absolutely.

I love the, you ever, I love black programs. You ever watch cops? I do. Hey, Memphis is in the home of the first 48, didn't you? I know. Absolutely. I know it all, man. Motherfucking Young Dolph.

Yeah. Preach. Yeah. Yeah. I'm from Orange Mountain, 8-ball, MJG. That's why I grew up at, right? That's right. Orange Mound, baby, hey, three, what, two round and three down.

That's an orange Mound. These hoes will set you up. Boy, now that these hoes won't, because you got to have control of a bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's what a pimp is, a P-I-M-P. That's a player in a management position. You know how to work that bitch. More, give me more.

More. God damn right. I said that bitch to law school. Exactly. I absolutely fucking love. you, sir. I'm obsessed with you. Come back anytime, sign up again. Big joke book. You're the man,

sir. One last bucket pool. One last bucket pool. Is this a fucking episode or what, huh? Make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night. We know this guy. He works here. This is kind of crazy that he got pulled

like this. It's amazing. Make some noise for the great Grant ad hoc, everybody. Fuck, yeah, keep it going. Sorry if it seemed a little weird up here. I was almost late for my time up here. I was just outside smoking a cigarette when they called me. Homeless guy was talking to me.

He asked me for some money, which is fine. But I said, sorry, man, I don't have any cash on me. And he said, you got to spend money to make money. So I'm still trying to figure out what the hell that means. He was wearing a New York Jets jersey. That guy's had a tough life. I'm trying to get better at Small Talk. Fellas, you're getting very late to this.

You guys ever hear, hey, man, more than two shakes, and you're playing with it. You guys ever hear that? More than two shakes and you're playing with it. Some guys say that to me earlier when I was taking a piss. He was like,

hey, man, more than two shakes and you're playing with it. I'd tell him, brother, I'm beating my dick over here. Absolutely hilarious. Smooth. Smooth back half of this episode. My goodness.

I'm nervous for everybody as they come up here. This is absolutely incredible. Grant. What a fantastic set. Good to see you again, my friend. Thanks, happy. Good to see you guys. Yeah.

One of the true, humble, amazing comedians here at the mothership. You're absolutely crushing Grant. What's going on in life? It's been a while since we've seen you. Just high heels and dollar bills, basically. That's right. God damn it. Same bitch that claims she loves you,

she will set you up. Out here on these streets, there ain't no such thing as luck. This show started gay and then just went pimped. The trajectory is amazing. We have range here. Tony has range. He can be gay.

He can be a pimp. Absolutely incredible. So Grant, tell us more about your life. What do we not know about you? Give us something interesting out here. You are a true comedian. You're a hilarious guy. You have a podcast with the great Pat O'Neill,

Keltony, a royalty. Ray Guitarts, everybody. It's been good. been trying to smoke more weed hell yeah been trying to smoke more weed to help with my anxiety and my paranoia can you guys stop talking about me that was a bit

no we love that we love bits they work when they work they're great and that worked grant I love it it's like a hybrid of Norm MacDonald and Shane Gillis yeah he's a funny guy are you Irish yeah you seem Irish as

Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I love it. You drink a lot? Love drinking, man. I, uh, I, uh, people actually tell me I drink too much and I tell them all the same thing. I say, give me my fucking keys. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Amazing. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Grant, how long you've been doing stand up? Going on like, probably like seven years.

Seven years. Where at? Where was all of it at? I started in North Carolina. Then I did it probably did like two mics there. And then I went to Alabama for a little bit. Did it for like nine months. And I've been here for the rest of the time.

Nice. And tell us about your adventures here because you work here now. Yeah. And how long has that been for? Going on like three years. Were you at Vulcan before? No, no. What were you doing before that here?

I was managing a coffee shop out in Westlake. Wow. Slinging bean out in Westlake. Is it the... I was bean slinging. Hell yeah. Absolutely. But then I worked at a sunset strip for a long time.

Nice. Hell yeah. I love it. What was the Westlake coffee shop? Sybil Goat? It was called a coffee shark. Whoa. Never heard of it.

All right. Is it good? It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist? I was the last manager, I think. Yeah. But there you go. That's how you know you're good at what you do is when they have to retire the place after you're done.

They're like, it's never going to get better than this. Yeah. We're out of all the essentials all the time. I was like, fuck, man. I'm sorry. Amazing. Amazing. And you're getting spots here all the time, right?

It's been all around town. It's been a lot of fun. This is, yeah. And you're blowing up. You're so funny that you're doing up. podcast with Pat O'Neill. He's fucking insane. He is.

He's the absolute man right now. Grant, congratulations. I mean, unbelievable set. Red Band. I would love to have you back at the sunset. Fuck, yeah. Speaker, son. Grant, congratulations.

So much fun. Here's a big joke book. Fuck, yeah. Thank you so much. There you go. Grant Adcock, ladies and gentlemen. Very funny man. Very funny man.

Speaking of funny men, he does a podcast with what literally what appears to be and what seems to be everybody's, I mean my favorite comedian in the world to watch right now, an absolute fucking anomaly. He is a freak of nature that writes and performs a brand new minute

every single week. And we're just excited to see him again. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. I present to you the real deal. Pat O'Neill, everybody. I don't have a bidet.

Just a dog. School, you know? We don't need technology for everything. A little bit more about me. I love chicks that are into anime. Yeah. Because in my experience, it's always far easier talking your way into the pants of a girl

with the mind of a child. Last week I heard this fat chick say she's having a hot girl summer. I was like, I fucking bet. The real deal. Pat O'Neill has without a doubt done it yet again. I mean, every single week

coming out with the absolute strongest, craziest, most diabolical punchlines and shaking the room. I mean, it is just absolutely amazing to watch. Welcome, welcome. How are you, buddy? Pretty good, thank you. You're so fun to... Yeah, yeah.

see and look at. I've never heard that before. I know. It's just, I mean, every week. I literally think it every week. Every time I've ever turned from this way to that way, I'm like, ah, so fun. Where do you get your shirts, by the way? Your shirts are out of control.

Well, I get them from an upsized fashion. In San Antonio, I tend to buy a, it's a pimp's repertoire, if you will, Tony. I tend to do a tight five in the back. We do a little stand up there. and I buy a pimp shirt. Where do you get these wild shirts from? There's anything that looks cool.

This place is called Hoodie Lab. Oh, wow. Amazing. Amazing. It's crazy. They look cool on mushrooms. I buy whatever looks cool on mushrooms. He just puts Zainty in the search bar.

I'm just looking for X when I did that. Oh, you are a fucking machine, Pat O'Neill. How's life? Anything different this week? Anything crazy? I was pumped to see Grant just get pulled. My trusty podcast partner, fucking that was great. Traveled some of this great country of ours with Martin Phillips and Hans Kim.

Oh, God. And I wasn't the one driving. Whoa. Uh-oh. Which one was? Somehow Martin is the best one for the job, believe it or not. Actually, it's phenomenal. Wow.

Incredible. In that situation like that, you three in the car, do you ride shotgun or do you ride in the back? Oh, I was in the back. Nice. Yeah, yeah. That's the safe spot. I'm scared to make eye contact with them. Just keep looking at him.

I'm like, no, you ain't put me in that world. Yeah, no. What the fuck? I've never seen anybody do a bad O'Neill impression before. I mean, you don't have to. I don't enjoy mirrors either. Oh, my God. We must protect this man.

If you ever see Pat O'Neill out there on the streets, you make sure nobody messes with them. Make sure you walk them with them from point A to point B. We must protect this man. Hey, that's what I'm doing. I'm making every Kill Tony fan your security anytime they see you. They might actually be the ones that kill you,

but in any matter, we need to keep you safe. We must protect you in your brain. Every single week, unbelievable. You've done it again. One more time for the great... Wow, what a fucking episode. Do me in favor, everyone.

After this episode's all done, go straight to Gary Owen. Live and go watch this man live. Please, for the love of God. He's coming to his city near you. Truly, I swear to you, as you can tell from this episode, truly one of the funniest fucking human beings in the world. It was such an honor to have you here tonight, Gary.

Like I said before I brought you out, I've always wanted you on this show since I was a door guy at the comedy store. Before I even started this show, you've always been one of my favorites. One more time for Gary Owen, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Simpson is the motherfucking man. His special that was on Netflix,

ran for its two-year licensing deal as so many of them do and is now crushing it on YouTube. Remind me the name of it one more time, Brian, the name of your special. Live from the mothership. I filmed it right here on this stage. That's right.

We're already at 300,000 views. Help me run that motherfucker up. Thank you. So, you know what to do. You go to Gary Owen. Live, buy tickets if he's coming near you. And then you go to Brian Simpson, YouTube slash Brian Simpson comedy.

BS comedy. Yeah, for Brian Simpson on YouTube. Yep, type in Brian Simpson live at the Mothership. Watch his special. And now you have that homework. And more homework for you. 926, Dallas, October 17th, Houston. You're getting your own Kill Tonys.

Congratulations. November 13th, 14th in Las Vegas, Nevada. That's two episodes of Kill Tony live. Every episode, of course, different back-to-back. And then New Year's Eve here in the greatest comedy city in the world, Austin, Texas. I mean, look, look, what's this fucking name? Shane Camp, had to go to fucking New York, Chicago, and he made it here tonight.

He's a superstar now. So follow him. He is supposedly on social media at Shane Camp Comedian 558. I'm pretty sure that's his Wi-Fi password or something like that. Oh, Shane Camp comedian. Oh, okay.

Red Band. Check out SunsetstripATX.com. Secret show every Thursday. Love you. Yep. We love you. guys, God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.