KILL TONY - #784 - YAKOV SMIRNOFF + ARI MATTI

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

Yakov Smirnoff, Ari Matti, Brian Simpson, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Monica Colt, Steve Glass, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 08/31/2026 Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killton. Hey, y'all, it's time for another huge kill-tony ticket drop, and it is happening on the 9th of September at noon. You can get tickets starting on September 21st all the way through December 28th. Again, those tickets, all for the mothership, all for the Mondays at the Mothership, go on sale on the 9th of September at noon, Central Standard Time.

Good luck. Go to Comedy Mothership.com for tickets. That's the kill Tony Bay. Raoul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, tres leches, nachos, Belgrade, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The panda bear, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Bees on the keys.

And this is the one and only deep madness live in the flush, ladies and gentlemen. Another banger, ready for you here tonight. This is it. Welcome, everyone, to the number one live podcast in the world. We did it. Before we get started, here's a little bit more

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and the bedroom. All right, before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad-free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's

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Every single week, I book this puppy just the way I like it. And my God, is this one special? You know, sometimes it's the dogs. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's a little bit of a, you know, maybe it's a little hip. Maybe it's a little old school. Maybe it's a little this, a little that. Maybe it's a fucking couple of couple of the top young eyes.

comedians in the world. This one is so special because one of our guests is an actual fucking super legend. Tonight Show multiple time. Movies. Four U.S. presidents have hired him to perform for him. I could go on and on. Over six million people have gone to his theater in Branson, Missouri. And I mean a fucking legend. Is a comedy store guy. He, He has not only his name on the wall, but he has one of the, I think, 10 big neons up there with Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, all of these super legends. He's one of those guys from that era, and he's here tonight for the first time ever. And I've matched him up strategically with truly the biggest, fastest, top rising comedian in the world. A man who has, there's nothing that can stop his trajectory.

from being the next big arena comic. Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight are Yakov, Smyranov and Ari Matty. Oh, baby. God, what a duo. Last week, I had the number one white urban comedian in the world, Gary Owen, and a black man, Brian Simpson. And tonight, to show you the diversity of our bookings, I have the number one Russian comedian of all time,

Yakov Smyrnav. and the number one Estonian comedian of all time, Ari Maddie. This is Kill Tony. We are doing it tonight. I mean, this is absolutely incredible. I'm so pumped about it. Yakov Smyranov has his own... This is a fucking guy.

Most of these comedians, they fucking waste their money. They have a big pop. They go. They blow all their money. They fucking have drug problems, this, that. Not Yakov. He went and invested in beautiful Branson, Missouri, a giant theater, the Yakov Theater, and over six million people have gone in and out of those doors.

How long has that been open, Yakov? I had it now for 30 years. 30 years. Yes, and I, you know, was performing in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe. Everybody knew me as a Russian comedian, and then the Soviet Union collapsed. and that was not funny then and David

Leatherman had a top ten list of things that will now change. I made number one on the list. Yaakov Smyrna will be out of work. Six months later, there was no contracts renewed and I started looking for a place where they did not know

that the Soviet Union collapsed. I ended up in Branson, Missouri. They still don't know. I'm not telling. Yakoff, I'm so happy to have you here with the great Ari Matty, of all people, an absolute future Keltony Hall of Famer. He's on tour all around the country,

as is Yakoff. And things are very good. Ari, welcome back home. I love it so much. Everybody thinks I'm Russian, too, you know. That's... Is it good or bad? It depends on the...

I'm as Russian as I need to be, you know. The darker the alley, the thicker the accent. There is problem? But when I'm at immigration, I'm like, Hello? And then... It's good to be home in America. Yakoff, welcome.

This is your first time on this show. First time on panel, you probably get it, though. I pull a name out of the bucket. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you're the sign of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Absolutely perfect.

Over 250 people signed up tonight. I'm going to let this guy whose eyes are way too close together pull the first name out of the bucket. It's unbelievable. This guy's like a fucking cyclops over here. It's absolutely incredible. Absolutely amazing. So while they go wrangle that first bucket pool,

I'm excited that our first comedian tonight while we go wrangle that first one is literally one of the newest golden ticket winners on the show. In fact, his debut just aired last week, and he's cashing in already on his first ever golden ticket appearance. So this is the second time. ever minute. Make some noise for him.

For Steve Francois, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. I was raised in a toxic era back when Democrats hated blacks and gays. Homophobic ran rampant. I said that the other day had a show and some gay dude got scared.

I was like, bro, I'm the one with the phobia. You don't know how words work? It's like, gee, I'm worried about my butthole. But like, nah, when you like a dude, right, and you in love, you do some gay shit, you get me? You feel with me? Like, when you like a girl, you be talking to, you start laying on your belly kicking your feet like this.

Gay shit, you get me? But, like, when you really, really love her, do some real gay shit, like, she suck your dick and you kiss her right after. You don't even hesitate. You like, gobble, gobble, give me that dick, y'all. Give me my dick, y'all. I love you, baby.

So. Hell yes. Steve Francois. Absolutely, exactly a minute. This guy came down on the dot. Absolutely 60 seconds. Welcome back, Steve. How are you?

I'm chilling, murder. How are you? Amazing. He calls me T. Murder. And anybody who doesn't is straight disrespecting me at this point. Violin, yo. Violin. Don't do it.

I love it. I love it. Steve Francois. You look fucking fantastic. I don't know what corpse is missing a suit right now. Awesome. That's it. There's a funeral home, there is a naked man in a coffin right now.

Check me. Yo. Yo, murder. Yeah. All racist white dudes got the best gear, bro. They got the best gear, brother. And even like the poor ones, too. Two, like them NASCAR shirts and them wrestling t-shirts go for big money on you on fucking eBay, bro.

That's right. Absolutely. And also, if you dress terrible, hit me up. Yo, I got you. You are a fashionista, some would say. You are a man of great swagger. It's a Haitian thing, bro. It's a Haitian thing.

Absolutely. I mean, what else are the Haitians known for? I don't know much about them other than the dogs and the cats thing. We the only black people. We go actually not even black people, but the only people ever in the world to free themselves from, like to self-liberate. Oh, shit.

The only people ever in the world to ever do it. Who wanted you? It was the French. It's easy to get away. You need to get the fuck out. Fuck that. Fuck sucks. Dude.

They're like, hey, we left the gate open. Yeah. But let me tell you how fly. We are like Polish was supposed to come fuck us up and they came and they're like yo these Haitians is real chill now we got like Haitians with green eyes and shit because they never left Wow beautiful combination so I'm saying bro That is incredible Or he's like I'm about to make some baby well Polish and Haitian is not exactly like you know a killer combination Yeah, the Polish are the Haitians of Europe

Yeah You just multiply you know what I'm saying this is He's like, there's just two four people. He's like, you're both poor. I'm late than I'm a thief. Fuck. Yeah. Not that smart either.

Lowest SAT scores in the world, but the most beautiful eyes. I mean, where else can you see a black person with green eyes? No, that shit. Bro, like, we all, like, Haitians in America, we'd be killing it, Jay. What do you guys do? Like, my nieces are, like, nurses, bro. You're what? My nieces, they're nurses.

They're nurses? Yeah, bro. Are they, like, real nurses? Or do they do, like, voodoo and heal you or something like that? No, they're like, NYU. No, they're like, NYU. you type shit. You got cancer.

They sacrifice a goat. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. We didn't leave Haiti to not fuck around. You get what I'm saying? You leave Haiti. You got to do some shit. You get what I?

Like, real shit. Have you been to Haiti? Jeez. Oh, T. Murder. Come on, now. Have I been to Haiti? I mean, when I was a baby, but, you know, it's been a while.

Whoa, if you know that song, you're not Haitian anymore. Bro, come on. You're straight American. That's on the citizenship test. You've got to know that, R.E. Maddie, when you finally take this American test. It's been a while since...

What is it, like that? Honestly, I don't know. You know? No. There's not. I don't know, but... What's interesting, being an American, my wife is from Ukraine,

and she just became an American citizen, and she studied so hard for this test, and she aced it. And I decided I've been in America a long time. I should take it as well. I took it and I failed. Wow. Proves that now I'm real American.

Yeah, exactly. It's a true American. They have to update that test too. I peaked at it too. That test is really hard. I had my mom studied. Yeah, like, ask about real shit. It's a real fucking hard test.

Damn. It is? Yeah. I'm amazed that you have a Ukrainian wife. That's kind of naughty for a Russian guy to have a Ukrainian wife, huh? Conflict of interest. Yeah. That's what we call hate fucking.

No, the family reunion must be fun. And you have a one-year-old. Is that right? I do. 75 years old, he has a one-year-old. Holy shit. Look at that. God bless talk.

It works. Stay-end of fucking. I love it. I grew up. Chernobyl. That's now I got. You got that nuclear dick. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

So boom. I love it. Steve Francois, way to get the show started. My friend, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Have a good night. All right. Here we go.

First bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. The show begins with the comedy stylings. We're going to meet them all together. Again, this could be the future. All of our stars we found out of this, bucket. It could be the future superstar. It could be a crazy person that didn't prepare at all. But we're going to give them a shot. Put your hands together for Frank McGough. What's up, Austin? Doing okay? You look lovely. Free my homies out of Penn State. They didn't do a

damn thing wrong. But I will say, I've been in Austin, give or take two years, and it's crazy as I watched turtle racing the other day with a girl that I met on a hinge. I would later find out this is a true story that she was a bookie, and I lost $292 on turtle races. I had no anticipation on telling that joke. It's not really a joke. It's just a story. But I guess if I had to say, you know, one thing is I'm so grateful for all of you,

and especially you kill Tony. Thank you so much for everything that you do. and the platform in which you've given me, I toured with Donnell Rawlings last year, and it was just the craziest experience of my life. It really was. He's a good dude, despite our different ethnicities.

He's good, but I love all of you. Wow. Frank McGough, ladies and gentlemen, with 60 seconds plus. Frank. I mean, you thanked me. I love this show. It's a lovely message.

Fuck you. It's so much better than the last time I was up here. That's what's crazy is I remember you because I remember absolutely seething. I remember hating you so much. And then you come out tonight, you go, what's up, Boston? You waste time. You go, you look great. No joke.

I've been, uh, what did you say about two years? You've lived here for two years. I've lived here for two years. I saw this girl that went to a turtle race. This girl's a bookie. I lost $250 turtle race. No joke. No joke.

No joke. I'd like to thank you. You called me the name of the show. I'd like to thank you, Kill Tony, for the platform that you've given me. And then, nothing, nothing. More nothing. I have nothing after that.

No notes after that. I remember when this show was a bunch of crackheads coming in from California. I was listening. I remember when there was a bunch of, of spoiled white kids that didn't take the most of the opportunity. Because it's happening right now. You didn't do anything, Frank.

Are you doing stand-up other places? Yes, a little bit, yeah. A little bit. It seems like a very little bit. Let's check in with Yakov-Smir-na. I'm still stuck on the turtle race. How long does it take? If you parlay them a lot longer than you would take,

thing. Maybe 15 to 30 seconds to a turtle race. It's a very short distance, I'm guessing. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, there's a great opportunity for jokes in that. Yeah. Next time.

Next time. Oh, I love it. Oh, Yakov already gets it. You're in it, buddy. I mean, I just don't understand. Like, you had a minute. The platform that I've given you and you, you understand the mission, right?

Sure, the jokes that I had written down were just garbage and so, so why are you doing this to yourself? Because I had a minute planned out and it just, as soon as I saw you all, I was like, there was something about the way this audience looks. Are you talking about this black woman right here? Is that way you're, I saw, I saw you look at her specifically. What do you mean? You saw, you saw this crowd almost all, you know, basically good,

I mean, this actually is a good looking crowd. It's like just a good looking crowd. Little mixture of kind of everything. And you saw them, what were you expecting to see for you to do the material that you prepared tonight? What would it have taken? What would you have had to look out there and see exactly? What would they have looked like?

Yeah, look at this. You have a kind of a view on these people? Come get a reverse shot. I mean, it's pretty. It's a pretty crowd. funny. It's good looking crowd. There's a guy with like horns for some reason on a hat.

That's fucking weird as shit. But that's what the liberals think the whole crowd would look like. It's just crazy people. These people are all retarded idiots. Yeah, I don't even want those as fans. Oh, well, there you go. Great stuff, guys. As I talk about how people think my fan base is retarded.

Don't worry about it. I knew it was bad. The black girl did it. It was the black girl, by the way. Do we have the police here? Whoa, that's a joke. I know, this guy's like, whoa, that's rude to say to a black woman. What was that?

You just did. You said something in the audience all went, ha, ha, ha, ha. I don't understand what's happening. Look at you. What are you doing? Why are you looking at me like I'm the one being weird? Silly. It is silly.

It's silly. It's funny. It's comedy. I just said. Oh, I know. Okay. This fucking guy. He's like a, he's like,

you're like a guy that goes to a playground to bully kids. No joke book. Get out of here. There goes Frank McGow. No, don't, Frank. Don't do it, Frank. Let's get Frank a year off.

Tell him to take a year off on his way out. Of signing up. No signing up for a year for Frank. Make it count next time. Are we okay over here, guys? You got glass? It's all good. It's all good.

Stop picking it up, sir. Stop doing what you're doing. Have the black woman do it. No, no, don't do that. Just let a professional come over here. Whoa, it's a lovely Heidi, everybody. There we go. There's someone with a broom and a dustpan.

We have the professionals on it. We need a napkins. There's people another drink. We're going to need another. What was that? Is that a, oh, was that guy? the fucking pedophile. The guy from every pedophile bus video, by the way.

Look at this fucking creepozoid. Oh my God. Catch him in the new movie about, what's his name? Would you like sweet tea? Chris Hanson. Yeah. Cookies and sweet tea over here. This is the kind of guy that would bring his kid to one of those meetups.

You'd bring his own child to a pet. All right. That guy looks exactly the same as the other pedophile. There are a lot. There's a lot of pedophiles. There are a few. You know what? Now that I look out at this crowd,

I think I'm going to change everything I was going to do tonight. I had something prepared for you guys, but now that I see the crowd, uh, all right. You know, calling a business only to get a voicemail that sounds like it was recorded a decade ago usually ends with an immediate hangup. Customers do the exact same thing

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Ladies and gentlemen, your second bucket pool of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Ian Sharp, everybody. Here we go. Hey, how are you guys doing it? How are you feeling good? Yeah, I'm feeling great. You want to know why? Because I had sex.

Thank you, thank you. Not like recently or anything, just before, you know? Any guys ever have sex before, anybody? It's weird, isn't it? Right? It's weird. Like, people call it making love. But turns out, you don't actually have to love someone to have sex with them.

You can just lie and it still works. I found that out the first time I ever had sex, you know? I was with this girl and I really loved her. But I could tell that she didn't feel the same about me by the noises that she was making during sex, you know? Like, I was making the normal sex noise. I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Gosh darn it, yeah.

You know? Things ladies like to hear. Her noises were different, though. They were more like, oh, hey. Hope you don't take this the wrong way. I just want to be friends after this. Fell, has you ever been friends owned inside of someone before? All right, thank you.

Ian Sharp. Welcome, Ian. Is this your first time on the show? It's my third. Oh, okay. It's been a while. Yeah, it has. Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been on? Stand up? About 15 years. Wow, 15 years. Where at? Mostly out of Chattanooga, Tennessee, but I've been here for the past two. Nice. How are you enjoying Austin?

Oh, I love it. I love it. It's great. You get all the time in the world you want to do, so it's great. Yeah, a lot of stage time here. What else do you do? What do you do for work, Ian? I work in IT.

I do, like, help desk stuff. Yeah, thank you. Wow, this lady's very excited about IT. What an exciting life she must live, everybody. The lithium settlement. for a second so that you could applaud being in the IT industry. Anyway,

Ian Sharp, what do you do for fun? For fun? I play a lot of D&D. I live stream video games. I do all the nerdy stuff. Oh my goodness, gracious. Redbin, you must be hard as a rock right now. That's absolutely

incredible. Dungeons and Dragons. Online gaming. What kind of online gaming are you doing? I got into Eldon Ring recently. That game is incredible. Wow. I'm surprised that you got into it recently. Yeah. You look like you could have made that video game with your

imagination. It is. It was right up my alley. I should have got into it sooner. Absolutely incredible. So out of everything that I've learned about you, I don't believe that you've ever had sex before. Was that fiction or like are you just making it up or? I mean, I like to be a man of mystery.

So like if any of these ladies in the room here tonight want to, you know, figure that, I don't know. I don't know. That's probably... Sounds creepy as fuck. I'm a man of mystery. You never know. Probably show up.

It only works at a residence or, oh my God, Renaissance Festival. Wow, great stuff, Red Band. Definitely talk more. Anyway, so Ian, let's just get real here for a second, man of mystery.

When is the last time you actually had sex with a woman? About a year ago. A year ago. So it was here in Austin, Texas. Yes. And just take us on the adventure, if you will.

Like, do you meet her out and about? Are you, like, at a bar? Are you on a dating app? How does it go down for Ian Sharp? This is a good story. I was, I got booked on a show. I was, did the show. And then the girl that was the loudest,

drunkest person. Great start. Was like, she was like, hey, I want to suck your dick tonight. And I was like, well, that sounds like a good deal. Wow. She told you that? Yeah, she told me that.

Did you do like a dungeon and dragons? Well, it's a thing. I didn't bring it up at all. Wow. And so then what happened? Then we got in my car. Yakoff has a question. If you didn't bring it up, how did you have sex?

I mean, it was difficult. It was difficult. We got in my car. So we got in my car and we went to a gas station parking lot and had sex in the backseat. Oh, my God. Okay. Now I have more. questions. That's a big car, huh? What kind of car? That was my next question. I got to know what kind

of car it was. Believe it or not, Tony, it's a Kia Soul. Wow! That's unbelievable. Kia Soul. As we know, that is a small car. That is the horn of Akea Soul. If you ever hear that, you're about to get hit by Akea. Wait, that's the actual horn. That's incredible. All right. So there you guys are doing the old clown horn in the back of a kiosol. Now, is this a bigger lady? Is she a little thick like you? She's about the same size as me. Whoa, wow.

I mean, okay. Now I got to know what gas station was it, and what was the exact date? Because I need the security footage from this shit. Well, I'll tell you, as we were pulling out, I did notice on the other side of the parking lot, there were cops parked there. So we were so lucky.

Yeah, super lucky. The cops are probably like, let's just stay in our fucking cars. What the fuck? That It's called insurance. That means you got lucky? I'm confused.

Okay. So, I mean, holy shit. So it's you and another thick little lady in the back seat of Akia Sol. And I mean, is she on top of you or do you guys try to do like missionary position?

Whoa. There you go, Red Band. There are you. Stick to the soundboard, buddy. Unless you're going to go to the R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-Sense Fair. So we tried a lot of different things, and it's like... We tried a lot of different things. You tried a lot of different position?

Oh, my God. What's like that? What's the worst? Okay, Red Band. Right band. Come on. Her. Oh, come on.

So when you say you tried different things, come on. Take us through it. through the adventure. I mean, we were too, you know, I mean, generously sized people and a not so generously sized car. So it was really like, it was like playing Tetris, but the level was too small.

We were trying to figure out exactly how to make the math work. And I'll tell you, it wasn't good sex. Right. Okay, let me ask you this. About how long does it last, from insertion to completion? A lot of mush. Just, uh, you... I didn't really keep track of time.

Just a ballpark. At one point, you bang your own theories, by accident just... So much fucking stuff. Maybe 30 minutes. Wow, that is long. 30 minutes, multiple positions. Look at this police officer looking like,

God damn it, we should have done something that night. You're just going to let this guy film a full-on fucking porno length. They got to get their cut too, you know? Wow. I don't think they want that cut. Okay. So let me ask you this, condom or no condom. Ooh, ooh.

Well, I didn't have one on me. And I, you know, it was after a show. So we did raw dog it. Wow, absolutely incredible. That's a matter of that, dude. Final question. You ready for this? Here we go.

Did you pull out? Yes. Okay, where did you shoot your load? Turns out I had another question I didn't tell you about. Well, she requested it on her face. Are you serious? How are you doing this in a Kia Soul? I told you it was hard.

I wouldn't be able to do this with a girl my size in a Kia Soul. All right, get a, I'll get me your face. It's incredible. This is, you'd have to be on the back window just fucking. I told you was a good story. Again, the police are literally like, let's just not done. Let's go beat up a black guy somewhere. We don't want to, what's the thing we want to do is get in between these two pigs,

dogging in the back of a fucking go-car. Holy shit. I mean, that is absolutely incredible to find out that you had car sex. And IKEA's soul, of all things. The magic of stand-up, dude. You kill on stage. Anything is possible, dude.

It's amazing. I have charisma. I don't know. It's amazing. It's the first time Akia Soul's not gotten into an accident and got totaled at the same time. This is amazing. That car is unsellable after this. I mean, can you imagine

Blast off in her face? I mean, you know, I'm a gentleman. I do what she asks. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. And then did you like, what did you grab to wipe her off? She ate it. Yeah, yeah.

Red band, red band. Seriously, just relax, red band. Did she do like a... I think I had a shirt or something, you know? A shirt. Okay, okay. Okay, you had an extra shirt. Is it your Kia Soul or was it hers?

It was mine. Wow, okay, that's good because I was afraid she was going to have to drive afterwards with comment her. her eyes. But this is good. So did you drop her off?

And I'm sorry, Yakoff, by the way. Yakoff's like, what the fuck? I thought I was going on the biggest show in the industry. This shit's fucking disgusting. I know. Sometimes we get a little wacky here. Yes. But then again, I was roommates with Andrew Dice Clay.

So this is PG. Exactly. Exactly. You get it. You get it all the way. And anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you out of here? I mean, last time I talked about I used to tour in a metal band. I don't know if that's interesting or not, but that went well.

That went good. What was the metal band again? With Faith or Flames, we toured a bunch and we're on a little bit of MTV. Not much, but... MTV? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. So it's a technicality.

We were background music on a reality dating show. Oh, well, there you go. That still counts. I got a royalty check. That counts. Very good. Very good. I'm pretty sure you're going to get a royalty check from the fine people over at Kia tonight as well. For the advertising you did for them is absolutely incredible.

Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There's Ian Sharp. That should be a Kia sole commercial. Oh, yeah, it's amazing. It's a roomy car. Yeah. They need help right now.

I love it. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, by the way? By the way, a little fun fact. Coming soon to Killmerch.com. Heidi farts in a jar. She farts in a jar and sells it onkillmerch.com. How many do you want to buy a Heidi fart in a jar, huh? All right, red fan.

Okay, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Kylie Kaiser, everybody. Kylie Kaiser. I'm originally from a small town, and I didn't have a very good transition into big city living. Literally in the first year that I lived in a city, my roommate and I were robbed at gunpoint. in our apartment. Yeah. It was pretty scary. The guy followed my roommate inside when she got home from work.

That's how he got in the place. And when the cops came later, they checked out the apartment complex, the situation. They said, based on the layout, he must have been staking us out for a while to know when to follow her at the right moment, right? That was really traumatizing for me to hear personally because I had just gotten home an hour before her.

Didn't pick me, what the fuck? The cop looked me in the eye and said, Angela is so small, he probably just thought he could take her easier. We got really lucky, though. The Kai only took our cell phones. That whole experience, the guy only took our cell phones. The cops said we were really fortunate. We didn't have anything of value in our apartment.

I was deemed ugly fat and broke by a criminal and a deputy. Do you understand? Thank you guys. I'm Kylie. Kylie Kaiser. Funny stuff, Kylie. Welcome, welcome. How long you've been on stand-up?

So I have been doing it about three and a half years. my first time on the show, I was three months in. Wow, three and a half years. Remind us what happened last time you were on. I got to do a guest spot with Dave Attell here. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, yeah. It was awesome. I was so new, and I just wanted to work until I came back.

That's awesome. What a great story. Sometimes, you know, we help so many damn people that sometimes I forget about it. Sometimes they fall through the cracks. It's been a long time. Yeah. It's been a while. Yeah.

It's been a while. Yeah, see, you know. I know. I know. I'm 35. I know. Yeah. Hell yeah.

So Kylie, tell us what you've been up to the last three years since you've been on the show. Honestly, a really big thing happened to me that same week. I was on the show, did the show with Dave, and then I met my biological dad for the first time. Wow. How did that happen? Honestly, we had been like... Explain how that happened so this black woman can maybe one day get to meet her dad. This is amazing.

She's laughing, by the way, you fucking weirdos. on the internet. Look at Tony being racist again. All right, go ahead. I was kind of like going through a rough time like a few months before this. And my mom who like has no contact with him reached out to him and was kind of like

stereotypical therapy shit. She was like maybe Kylie could work through some of this if she knew you. And she told me that information and I did nothing with it for a while because I was like, I don't really want to fuck with this. And then I eventually just decided to message him and he had flown me out to meet him

the week of your show that I was on. So it was a week after the show, right? Yeah, yeah. So we had messaged for like six months before I actually went to meet him. Where did he fly you to? California. And wow. Where do you live?

You live here, right? I live here. Right. And what is... What, what, what, what, what, like comfort plus or... That's a good question. Listen, if you're flying your daughter out, that you'll be ignored. I think it was Southwest, I recall.

You have to fight for your seat to meet your dad? Fuck. America's Roth. Burbank Airport. He had money. That's the crazy part. That's the best case scenario if you meet your estranged dad. So he lived like in wine country in California.

That's what I was my next question. What does he do for a living? He works in like sales for some kind of tech. But he did really good for himself. Yeah, yeah. Big home. Yeah. You had your own bedroom when you went there.

Do you stay with them? Finally. I did. Yeah. Met him, met my sister. I was just in her wedding last year. So that's been a lot of my life lately. Oh, that's great.

Look at that. Full circle. Yeah, it's so nice. I've never met my dad. I contacted him. He didn't want to. The very first time So I was scared about this

Because I had contacted my dad Like when I was 21 And when I had to open the message about this To reach out, my message left on red was there So yeah Getting ghosted by your dad is different Yeah my mom died And then I wrote to him

Can I meet you? And he said no thank you Yeah No thank you Super cool you got a flight and stuff Yeah yeah I really like that yeah You could have been on Southwest That's so disappointing

So what did you learn about your dad that like you guys have in common because I find it all so interesting nature versus nurture. Was there some stuff that lines up? Yeah, I talk about this all the time. So my grandparents raised me actually and my mom and I are more alike than I am to them. And then I met my dad and it really felt like all the pieces I didn't understand. Like he's one of the only family members. He's come to a ton of my comedy shows.

My mom's been to a couple. But he like, I get definitely like my fucked up humor from him, music tastes. Like we've been to concerts together. We went to a strip club together. Whoa. Strip club together. Yeah. That's amazing.

But did he get, did he, what was that like? I don't know. Well, we both had a good time. I'll say that. Whoa. Not together. All right. Well, you have to clarify because meeting your dad in that situation, like, is kind of like

online dating. Like, we were talking for a long time and then met in person, you know what I mean? And I was like, is he going to look like his pictures? Is he going to pay for everything? Right. Is he going to try to fuck me? That's hilarious. You don't know.

That's amazing. It's kind of like you could. You have a lot in common with them probably. Great stuff, Red Band. Nature nurtures wild, so it really is cool. It is. It is. What do you do for work, Kylie?

I bartend part-time at Roscoe's Comedy Club. Oh, nice. And that's all you do? Yeah, I do like a little bit of stuff here and there with, like, marketing things. People I'll pick up, like, freelance. I have a degree in writing, so. Okay. Very good.

Yeah. Very good. What's your love life like? I have a boyfriend. What does he do? He's an architect. Ooh. Is he successful?

Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. He's good. He's very supportive. He comes to like all my shows. Wow.

Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. Thank you, one guy. That's actually him. That's your boyfriend. He's here. You know, I would love to be on the Secret Show Thursday.

Whoa. Look at that. Wow. Someone obviously took his blue shoe gold tonight. Look at you. I could play her father. Oh, my God. Normally, they have to show some cleavage or something.

to get on this secret show. I wanted to know it was real, so I wore this. Amazing. It worked. It worked. The tight jeans worked for red band tonight. Great job, too. Thank you, I really love a bit that makes you imagine a visual thing, like with your timing

and the confidence, the way you set up. Like, when you did the bit, I imagine the guy in the bush, you know, looking who goes in the house and then she, then he sees you and he's like, ah, and then he sees your friend. He's like, okay. 100% true to the craziest part. I don't know that he didn't pick me on purpose, but he picked her in that sense. I love that, yeah.

Amazing. Yakoff, you got to see Roseanne Barr when she started and so many greats, the legends Whoopi Goldberg, Sandra Bernhard back in the day. Any words of encouragement or anything for Kylie Kaiser? I remember watching Rosam Barr in Denver when nobody knew her. And she had that personality very strong.

And I think you have that as well. You have, you had us all, like, for our first 20 seconds when you were telling the story. You were intense. We were like, I'm going, am I in, like, group therapy right now? Thank you. Right? Thank you so much. But you, that's a great setup for a great story and punchline.

So, good luck. Thank you. Yeah. Without a doubt. Kylie Kaiser, here's a big joke book. Boom. There you go. Kylie didn't think she would catch it, so she tried to get me to hand it to her.

And then I nailed it against her chest, which is what I'm known for. I'm the greatest joke book tosser in all the world. If anybody is keeping track, I'm basically, I make Tom Brady look like a lazy schmuck. But with joke books. Hey, y'all. Half the year is. is over. If your credit still needs work, the time is now. Kickoff makes building credit simple and affordable, and I always tell my friends the good credit opens a lot of doors. Thankfully,

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girl like Heidi? You have to have good credit. Or you're going to end up with an ugly partner. Start building credit with Kickoff today and get your first month for as little as $1. That's 80% of the normal price when you go to getkickoff.com slash kill Tony today. That's Kickoff without the C. Get K-I-K-O-F dot com slash kill Tony. Okay, this looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Luther Thompson, everybody. Luther Thompson.

So a little about me. I was child trafficked out of Russia at age six. True story. Parents use the term adopted, so it's a tomato-tomato kind of situation going on there. One of the main questions I get asked when people find out I'm from Russia or adopted from Russia is,

do you want to go back? Go back. Do I look like I want to be generationally poor and drunk? And don't get me wrong, I'm poor here, but I'm American poor. American poor is the equivalent of, Olga, hide my yacht before it gets seeded. over there.

Being poor sucks no matter where you're at. Have you ever been so poor you hit under the kitchen sink when the landlord showed up because you haven't paid your rent in two months? Needless to say, I now live in my car. It's not that bad.

The only issue I'm having is finding a place to hide when the repo man shows up. And I think I found a good spot. They're still going to repo me. But guess what? I still have my house. upgraded to a gated community. Thank you. I'm Luther. That's been my time.

Luther Thompson. You know, you can't even make this shit up. That was the set you were going to do no matter who was here, huh? No matter what. I was coming out here with that set. You were sex trafficked to Russia? Out of Russia. Out of Russia.

And you just so happen to have the greatest Russian comedian of all time and a guy that everybody thinks is the greatest Russian comedian of all time. It couldn't have gotten any better. What are the odds? Couldn't have gotten any better. Tell us all...

Yeah, you have those beautiful, cold Russian eyes. Take them off and look at like a camera. Like, take him out. Look at his eyes. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Except the guy from Diehard. Oh, goodness. I mean, it is incredible. I watch World War II documentaries all the time, and they do a thing called World War II in color. They've colorized all the old footage. I think we're kind of... That is everybody.

This is everyone on the German side. They didn't have glasses back in World War II, but... Look at that. Brothers, I believe you were both trafficked from the same family. Wait, wait, wait, is this like material or like really stuff? No, I was actually adopted from Russia. Adopted? Okay, okay. Yes, I was in traffic.

That's just a joke my parents are going to hate when they hear. hear it. So this is incredible. Let's talk about it. You're born in Russia from a Russian couple. How did you get adopted to America? So I was in an orphanage. I actually have a biological sister who has also adopted with me at the same time. I blame her for being put into the orphanage. My parents are probably fine with me. She came out. Into the orphanage, we go. She will also hate that when she hears it. Then they also adopted my brother at the same time. have a brother and a sister. You guys all came out of the same vagina.

Nope. Okay, no, none of you came out of this. Came out of the same vagina. My brother's not. But we were all three adopted in 1997. Is the brother Russian too? Yes, all three of us are. Where are your parents getting these Russians from?

You know, apparently it was pretty popular in Iowa to do so because... Cheever. Because there was like a whole group of like 10 families all in central Iowa that adopted in like a two-year span. And we all got together on a regular basis. And, you know, we've all disconnected since them. But I remember growing up, there were quite a few families. Even in my town, there was one family that also adopted from Russia.

It was pretty cool. This is absolutely. How old were you? I was six. My sister was five. And my brother was two. Not anymore. My mom was a teacher before she semi-retired to be a stay-at-home mom.

For the first six months after they got us here, she did nothing but teach us. Like, homeschooled us. The parents that adopted you, they're like rich? I wouldn't call them rich at the time, but they're pretty well off now. Because it seems like, like, you know, like, let's get a Russian. You know, like, it's like an Angelina Jolie, like, let's get a fucking Russian. John D's actually whispered in my ear a great question.

Are you the world's worst spy? I am actually waiting for the activation word. Look at that. Incredible. So you've been in America since you were a baby. Is your sister older than you? No, I'm the oldest. How much older than you are you?

By 11 months. I'm older than her. Wow. Your parents were just nutting inside of each other and giving it away. Drunk and fucking. Look at that Russian breeders. Absolutely incredible. A lot of vodka.

Do you have any fetal alcohol syndrome? I do not. I don't believe. I actually am not a big drinker. myself, we'll see how that goes. But I, if I do drink it, it is vodka. Right. You know?

Yakoff. Well, it's in, it's in the blood. Yeah. Yeah. It is, yeah. It's definitely. I mean, they fought this for years, you know. And at some point, the guy, like the leader of the Communist Party, went to a factory and

asked one of the workers, if you had a glass. glass of vodka, could you work today? And the worker said, yes, I think I could. And he said, if you had two glasses of vodka, could you work? And he said, I think I could. He said, if you had three glasses of vodka, could you work? He said, I'm

here, aren't I? Funny story, actually, I distinctly remember seeing you and Branson Missouri on one of my family trips. We had... Wow. Look at this. This is all coming full circle.

One of the six million people. Six million. We had a yearly family day would commemorate our adoption and one of the places we typically went was Branson, Missouri. And you were doing a show one of those years and we went and saw you.

It was a good time. I was pretty young, so I don't fully remember all your comedy. But I remember you. I remember you. I can't forget those eyes. That's right. That's right.

So here you are. You could have been a Russian factory worker probably out there fucking killed. Bro, thank God. I got to tell you. Baby Jesus. Holy cow. I know.

So here you are. I could be on the front line right now. You could be. Well, I mean, I don't know if they like gays in their military, but. They would take everybody. Yeah, they would.

Yeah. Pretty sure they don't take anybody. I think they're pretty desperate. Yeah. They take everybody. Pretty sure that's all they have left. How do they have left? parents too?

What's that? Have you contact their parents? I have no idea who my parents are. In my opinion, I could care less who they are. Can you believe this, Yakov? He doesn't care about you at all. Fuck away.

Let's do blood tests. Before we come to conclusions. Yeah, Yakov hasn't even adopted any Russian people. He's 75. He has a one-year-old with his nuclear nuts. He'd rather shoot it. He's making babies out of dust over here rather than adopting a Russian. Your parents are saints.

So what do you do for work now that you're living the American dream? You got saved. So I work for Tesla. Wow. And I serve on the weekends. Oh, okay. So, I mean, Tesla, obviously, you know, Elon's a smart guy. He works on a budget.

Full time at Tesla. You're still picking up shifts. Yeah, got to work like nobody else today so you can play like nobody else tomorrow. Wow. Look at that. Someone has a tearaway calendar. Incredible. Incredible, Luther.

My goodness. How long have you done stand up? I'll be honest. This will be my first big stage I've ever done. But I did some... I did some... I'll call them open mics. They were more like poetry open mics.

That's what open mics are. They all feel that way. It's rough. It's very rough out there. Back in Iowa before I moved here. very nice de moyn very close ames wow so you're kind of out there in the middle of nowhere yeah i grew up in a blink and you miss a town

so in a what blink and you miss it you're going down the interstate and there it blink and you miss it there's a little bit of a russian accent still in there blink and you miss it um what i really liked is like uh so you haven't been on stage too much right no so i saw you know when you're so close to a performer like here I saw you like shaking a little bit and being nervous so you can tell it's a new,

like he's a new artist. But you stuck to your script and you like paused at the right places and you still fucking didn't. You weren't like a bitch like, nice to be here, Tony. I've watched the show since the beginning.

It is true. You fucking, you stick to the script, you do the thing and then you talk honestly. And you talk about your life, dude. Before I let you go, Luther, Do you know what part of Russia you were born in? Supposedly, I was born in Erkutsk. Have you heard of Arakutsk?

Yeah, very much, sir. Yeah. What's that place? Siberia, it's, yeah, yeah. Tough, tough territory. Yeah. Holy shit, you got lucky. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude. I count my lucky stars out here. Yeah. The dogs are very fast there because they are. Siberian huskies. Actually, they're very fast because the trees are like two miles apart, so they have to run fast to get to a next tree. Wow.

Oh, my. Information you don't need to know. No, I love that shit. We love that shit here. We've been doing this show 13 years. We need new information. We always like good stuff. So, are you gay?

No. No? No. You have a girlfriend? No. Are you dating? No. Have you, how long have you been in Austin?

Two months. Have you kissed a girl yet since being in Austin? Have you? I have not. I've seen the show. You haven't? Oh, we gotta get a girl. Is there a girl out there that's willing to?

You in the white shirt. Get your ass over here. Look at this little cutie. Come on up here, sweetheart. Oh, she's got bouncy tits. Oh my God, this is incredible. She's about to get a spot of the Secret Show on Thursday night.

She's never done a joke a day in our life. This is amazing. This literally couldn't have gotten any back for me. You're about to kiss a little, my friend, you're about to kiss a little cutie with fat tits. Look at this. All right, ever since we started the show,

we do a little segment where if a person hasn't had their first kiss in the city that we're in, they get their first kiss. I mean, she looks like she's going to go for it. Are you really going to give them a big one? What's your name, sweetheart? Weasel. Weasel?

Lisa. Leesel? Wow. That's a wacky name. I like your style, Lisa. L-I-E-E-S-O. L-I-E-S-O. Okay.

L-I-E-S-O-A-O-A-O-Russia. I hope not. Liesel, this boy is moved to the live comedy and the live music capital of the world. Are you from here, Liesel? No, I'm from Baltimore. Oh, Baltimore. Oh, shit.

And I drove here. And you drove here from Baltimore. Damn, you're a little fucking cold-blooded killer. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Luther Thompson's first ever Austin, Texas kiss. Look at the look on Luther's face. Unbelievable. Literical. Here's a big joke book for you.

Boom. Luther, here's the big one for you. Boom. There we go. Leesel's on this secret show on Thursday. Welcome to Austin. Don't wear it. that night either. Oh my God.

Red band. Red band. All right. We're having fun here tonight. How about one more time for my guests, R.E. Maddy, and Yakov Smyranov. We're having fun. Now we get to sit back and enjoy a minute, perhaps

more than a minute, from one of our great regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has to write and perform a new minute every single week. Ari Maddie used to do it all the time before he became an international super star while he became an international superstar live on this show. It's a big, big, hard job.

He does it every week. Make some noise. This is the former dark storm of Atlanta, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Guys, I wrote this down after a traumatic incident where, like, me and my girlfriend got into a fight in front of our friends. What you know about? Don't even try to cuddle me after Uno. I can't get comfy with a reverse draw four-ass ob.

Since you want to skip so much, how about skip that on these cuddles, nigga? You know what I'm saying? That's what I wrote. Would you know about having to get into a bar fight with a Botox salesman because she won't stop trying to sell your white girlfriend, Botox?

And Botox salesmen remind you of crackheads trying to sell crack. Because you kind of like, nigger, look what it did to you. Like, I get, if y'all love Botox or Botox, if you want a girl whose face is frozen in time, that's okay. But leave my white woman out of it.

Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, she's cute. She's adorable. She is, she's pale as hell too. And it's true what they say. Once you go pale, she'll make he eat kale. You know what I'm saying? That's true.

Am I only one that I heard that? But it is crazy because white women always care about what they eat. Like she won't organic shit in her body, but she'll fill her face up with like yuppie concrete. You know what I'm saying? Like that shit is a discussion. Like I fucking hate Botox. Dating the white girl is dangerous because I was recording my comedy special and I went to go kiss her on her forehead, right? Because like a forehead kiss is God in nature's antidepressant.

Right? Like, if you kiss her, you give a girl a cranium smooth, she okay, she don't need Zoloff, right? And I use it as good luck, and I kissed the forehead. And before I was about to record, my homeboy slapped me behind the head. He was like, nigger, you doing coke? You know what I'm saying? Because some of her porcelain dust makeup got on my nose. And I was like, my nigger, I do white girl, but not that kind of white girl. That's my time I love y'all. Dendrick. Boyin. Fuck yeah, Dedrick.

Welcome back, my friend. How you doing? I'm doing fantastic. I loved it. It all felt real to me. Uno can get frustrating out there with people. Why do you do that to me? Uno is, because it's like a, it's so cheap.

But like, I think it's like designed to break family and friends apart. It really is. It's supposed to break you up from the person you're sitting next to because that's the person that does. They hit the reverses. They hit the skip. it's better, I think, if you want to keep your relationship solid, put someone in between you and your loved one. You say that until you start playing like rainbow or stacking where you can like reverse

to the person and then make the next person drop. It's a bunch of different. Like it's like different elevations of Uno. There's like standard Uno where you can still have a family. And then like there's the other Unos where it's out for blood. And it's just, you know, they, it's, that's where sharks go. It's like a feeding frenzy on your people that you love. You shouldn't play.

Monopoly, you shouldn't play that with people you love. Dice. You know, like any kind of dice. I've seen my uncles go down over every kind of dice. Do black people play Monopoly? I didn't. I've never thought of this before. Do you guys start in jail?

Does one person have all the money? Your people are famous for Ricos but here you are actually like we started that That's true Black Monopoly does sound like

its own game though You guys just don't pay rent sometimes A lot of No get out of jail Free cards by the way Zero of them What's the

What's the piece? Tony might not be straight, but he is straightforward. That is true. That's the thing we live our life. How dare you? Stop being mean to me about Monopoly. I was trying to open up about it. Now I feel generational guilt.

Black Monopoly is its own bit, by the way. If you don't take it, I'll take it. For sure, yeah, Black Monopoly. I'll take it. I'll finish this one, Black Monopoly. Got a new game, Black Monopoly. I have been to jail. Yeah.

You're the only person I've ever met that goes to jail in Japan. and changes nothing about his life. No, no, no, no, no. But it's crazy because... You didn't go to jail. You came back. I was like, you're okay? You were like, yeah.

Because it wasn't there. But it's crazy because, like, Future just put out his new album and then his song is Konichiwa that he filmed in Tokyo, Japan. But when I bring Molly Perkinses... That is pretty crazy. That is a good point. That's fucked up, dude. Future can get away with a...

That's amazing. Dedrick, so much fun. How was everything else going? You been on the road? Yeah. Actually, this past weekend was the first time I haven't done comedy on the road every weekend. I went and married two of my best friends because I'm an officiant. And that was my first, like, Jewish wedding that I got to conduct.

That was a Jewish, you conducted. You had to hop on to gear two niggas. That shit was fucking good. You ever have a Javon, Noggera, that shit is fun as fuck. No. You just get a hive on. Is that the word? You know the word.

Is that the word? Yes. I think you're the only one that can say that. I can say the HAVA part. But then it's only, it's you that can say. So let me ask you this. So you officiating. I've done so many of them.

He said that he officiated a wedding and I didn't believe it. And then he said a Jewish wedding and I'm like, that sounds about right. Because I bet you don't charge much. No, I charge. You charged them for that? Yeah, I charged for purebred weddings more than I do interracial weddings. Oh, it's like porn. Yeah.

And then gay weddings is the cheapest because they got more acts coming out and shit like that. Yeah. But when it's purebred, you got to stick to the script. They parents are religious, so I charge them more. Wow. Like a gay wedding, you can say whatever you want to. You can have fun. But, like, when I'm telling too many jokes, they mom is standing up when she not.

supposed to be standing up. I'm trying to do vows and shit. So it's difficulty. Did the dads ever show up to the gay weddings? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, both of them. Dedric, we love you. You're the man. I love you.

By Dedric Flynn, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. Anything can happen, as you know. Knock, knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue, who? Exactly. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, this ad is for Morgan and Morgan. Morgan and Morgan has been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. Did you know that, Red Band? That's half your age. I didn't. There are America's largest injury law form. There are America's largest injury law firm with more than 1,000 lawyers and 100 offices nationwide. They've also recovered over 3.3.

$35 billion for their clients. And unlike Redband, they can all read. So if you've been injured because somebody else was negligent, you probably have more important things to worry about than terrible lawyer jokes. You can check out Morgan and Morgan at for the people.com slash Tony. Their fee is free unless they win. And whoever wrote that joke should probably be sued. Now back to the show.

All right, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Dr. Chuck, everybody. Here we go. Here's Dr. Chuck. Oh, my God, yes. Make some noise for Dr. Chuck, everybody. Hello. My name is Charles K. Sestock, the fourth,

and I am a milf. A mathematically inclined-looking fellow. I'm an electrical engineer, which means I'm doing the devil's work, according to the Amish. I like age-appropriate humor. I have a urology joke, but I can hold it. I'm old school.

Cash is king. Because you can't have a hit country song if you're named Johnny Bitcoin. Clearly, I overdid the academic side of life. I earned a PhD in electrical engineering, a bachelor's, in physics, and a master's in virginity. But hey, I just got some pussy. Too bad it came from Red Band.

Dr. Chuck has arrived in the Kill Tony Universe. Absolutely amazing performance, Dr. Chuck. I mean, down to the second. You handled this like an absolute, like a genius. Thank you. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over three years.

Wow, just over three years. Where at? What mad laboratory have you been doing this at? Primarily in Dallas. Okay, that's where you live? Yeah. Amazing. Is that where you were born and raised?

No, I was born and raised in the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan. Oh, wow. Okay, that makes sense. You fucking, you survived. Look at you. You got a PhD, a bachelor's, and this or that. Welcome, welcome. Hell, yeah, man.

So incredible. What made you start comedy three years ago? Well, a friend who was running an open mic and said, why don't you give it a try? I stuck my toe in. I remember getting a laugh and immediately felt like this was a lot of fun. I guess looking back, I kind of related to Rodney Dangerfield on the Tonight Show as a kid. And I remember when he performed at Ronald Reagan's inaugural, he kind of stopped his rhythm and talked about feeling like a weight, a heaviness as a kid.

and, you know, at least I could relate to that, and I could also relate to kind of getting on stage and bringing people joy. It kind of lifts that weight. You know, so I kept going. Amazing. So electrical engineering. Yep.

And you're like, I am imagining that you are just a master of it. Can you tell us exactly what does that mean? What can you explain to like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, well, we design computer chips, but I do have a lot of, of patents, but only one of them is funny. Tell us the funny patterns. I have a patent on a poop detector for a robot vacuum.

Whoa. Wow. Wow. Really? Wait, wait, wait. Really? Really? Yeah. So you sell it to the companies that make the robot vacuum cleaner and they take a... How does it recognize poopie? Nobody actually bought it, because it was too big, but the technology works, so it was patented. It's basically like a fancy version of the capacitive touch sensor on your phone, but it's able to sense moisture as well as proximity.

So, you know. Middity. There you go. A turd is usually... Our senior poop correspondent Brian Redband is very intrigued over here. My dad's actually also an electric engineer. He has tons of patents too, but none of them are sexy like that. That's pretty sweet.

I'm not sure that's sexy, but... It is amusing. You are amazing. How tall are you, by the way? Six-five in my socks. Wow, six-five in his socks. Absolutely incredible, Dr. Chuck. Now, do you have you been married?

Do you have kids? What you've been doing your whole life? Tell us more. You are a man of great mystery and aura. Well, I am single, but I do have a woman. She just has poor boundaries. You know, any time that she's under pressure, she shushes me.

I got to get her patched. Patched. I didn't want to be a celebrity at discount tire. You have any children? You're great. Dee Madness is out here. Look at the hand for DeMadness. Dr. Chuck, I have so many questions.

So, do you really have a girlfriend or no? No. That was just a joke. No. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Because you look like you seem too smart to even have. have a woman. You seem like you would be annoyed by the ignorance of just a yappy

bat with a vagina hole. It's like Dr. Manhattan shit. I haven't really been very successful in relationships but if I look back at it, it's probably unprocessed resentments towards my mom. She was

pretty depressed as, you know, when I was kid and you have kind of, you know, an ambivalent parent when you're young it affects your... I have... Social development. I have never in my life heard somebody actually answer the question honestly.

That is amazing. This guy is so smart. He's got it all figured out. That's electrical engineering. He's connecting the dots, yes. He really is. So what's the longest relationship you've ever been in, Dr. Chuck? Couple months.

A couple months. See, that's kind of what I've... A whole life, a couple of months, really? Yeah. Yeah, and you're like, fucked up, huh? I know that, right? Yeah, yeah, well, you know, once you get to a certain age, you know, you are what you are. But, you know, I do try to, you know, change directions, getting out of my comfort zone.

Fuck, yeah. Things like comedy. Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, Dr. Chuck, I mean, I'm just so intrigued right now. I'm so intrigued because I want to know, like, what your daily routine is. You seem like the kind of guy to me that, like, wakes up, like you wake up like this, like you sit up.

And then everything, like you have slippers next to the bed that you slide your giant horse cock feet into. Right? And then, like, you have, like, a robe that's, like, there. You put on the robe. You walk a straight line. You turn the corner. Maybe the robe even comes off, like, like a device.

I picture, like, the coffee machine starts because a ping pong ball sense that you got up and rolls down the coffee automatically tips over, pours into a cup. The cup slides down a little train, some type of choo-choo train comes down and delivers it to you. You're still on the edge of the bed with your robe on. You grab the

coffee all in one swoop. There's the choo-choo train. You drink the coffee. The mug detects that your lips touched it, which therefore starts the shower for you. Your shower starts. You have a towel warmer that feels the humidity

rise and the towel warmer turns on. You have a warm towel. There's a dolphin there for some reason, because you have a retarded co-host with a sound effect board. Yeah. How close am I to write about this? That sounds rather quaint, but... A simple man's morning, Tony. I usually outsource the food and coffee preparation to people, not machines.

I like to get up and I go to H.E.B. and get a breakfast taco and a cup of coffee. You do that every day, am I correct? Basically, yes. Yes, you are a man of pure routine. Now, how about nighttime? Take us through the smooth descent. My guess is that like every other smart man, you go to bed and around, I'm guessing, about 9.30 on the dot. No?

No, no. I mean, a lot of times I might be out at an open mic. I'll come home probably unwind with a book sometimes I do like to look at many specials Unwine with a book

I like to collect books actually We believe that Shout out half-price books Hell yeah Is that in Dallas? I think they're here too But I'm ordered in Dallas You have like a wall with books

And you have the like the latter That you like swing And you're like I do have Somewhere between a thousand in two Wow, amazing. Money is like good in your life? You got to figure out this like a fucking formula, huh?

I do okay with financially. I don't have to worry. That is correct. That's what extremely rich men say, for those of you that don't know, for the pores in the room. Why? You don't have to worry. I'm doing just slightly okay. A man of many patents. So you unwind with a book.

Do you have a robe? Am I correct about that? No. But you do have a robe. pajamas. Am I correct? Yes. What do they have on it? They're the

silk. White fleece Bucky's pajamas with a red drawstring and black Bucky's portraits. My friend, call me a book reading genius because I have the same pajamas. By the way, I have to say it.

And I know we're not back to it. Let's go. Yakoff, we're going to eat you a pair before you leave. Great minds. Think alike, folks. Is yours also a boy's extra small? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh, here we go. So my dad, he's a dork like you, but he has one thing that he's been trying to solve his whole life,

perpetual motion. Like he's making all these machines and stuff. Is there something that your whole life you've been trying to solve, you know, with your big brain? I guess I wouldn't say I have, you know, an obsession like that. I like to kind of keep on the cutting edge of things. So I've had a chance to do wireless communications, rechargeable batteries, you know, lots of different things in my career. Let me ask you this.

Let me ask you a better version of the question that he half asked in your life, because you seem like a smart guy. We don't deal with that. Even the best comedians in the world are fucking goofballs. Like I've never, I already laughed the hardest at fucking, I just blanked out. Oh, unwind with a book. Like to us, that is hysterical that you said that. Like it's like no comedian in the world, no matter what can unwind with a book. But you're the closest thing to it.

So let me ask you this, Dr. Chuck, of all the things that you have, all the great mysteries in the world, what is a smart man like you find the most intriguing? Like maybe not a passion like perpetual motion, but maybe, you know, like I find it unbelievably crazy that humans dream and that there's no actual scientific explanation for how dreams happen or why they happen. What's your version of the world's greatest mystery to you? It could be in the past, it could be a present problem, or the future. Well, I'd say, you know, consciousness is definitely one.

The other is how do you match general relativity with quantum mechanics? But I don't have an answer to that. I expected you to say pussy. Wow. Dr. Chuck, I find you to be so intriguing. Please sign up again for this show. I mean, right? Do you have any social media, Chuck?

Is there a place we can find you or anything like that? Probably the best. And social media would be the Roast Battle DFW YouTube channel. There are a couple of highlight clips of me on that. Oh, you've been roost. Roasting, Dr. Chuck? My first break in comedy was actually, you know, roasting, holding my own against David Lucas in a roast battle at Hyenas in Dallas. Wow.

Tell us the David Lucas roast. Yeah, what did you say about David? Can you give us one that you? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Imagine, yeah. Okay, let's see. The first, you know, some comedians didn't show up for the roast battle.

He let anybody in the audience come on stage and try to take a shot. And you did? You came from the audience? Yeah, I came out of the audience. I had some written jokes on him and thought I was going to get my ass handed to me, but, you know, I got some laughs. So I can remember a couple of the jokes. Uh-huh. First one that I started with was David has a hit YouTube fishing show, and he is expanding his brand with a plus-size outerware retailer slash BBL clinic called Ass Pro Shops. Wow. This guy is smart.

Yeah, that is amazing. I had done about 15 open mics at that time. So the second one, which was women experience intense attraction near David due to gravity. And the last one, you know, there was one that was kind of a, you know, so-so joke. but the last one that was good was David's family is responsible for slip and slide records. Their biggest hit was

Take It to the House by Trick Daddy and Trina, which is about dunking a basketball. Something David can't do, but he makes it his own whenever he dunks a donut. Wow. I feel kind of bad, you know, roasting him when he's not here to end himself. It's fine. We do it all the time.

It's fine. That's a very normal thing. I'm very grateful that David booked me on the show to do roast because that was the first booked show that I got in comedy after doing all that. Hell yeah. That's cool that. You know, so many people always whine about how late it is to start

comedy, but I love that no matter how late it is to start comedy, if you approach it your own way and you're just authentically, you don't try to be some other shit, you just do your own thing. See, it resonates, you know. Thank you, all right. Yeah, you killed it. It's awesome. You have your own style, your own swagger, we need you to absolutely

sign up again. You're amazing. Dr. Chuck, what a great debut. Fantastic. Like already said, all shapes and sizes. Let's get him a good one here. Look at this. This is a good one. Dr. Chuck, this is for you, bud. Boom. There he goes.

One more time for Dr. Chuck. That goes. What a great performance. I just want to talk to him. All right. We're going to keep it moving here. I was all this time, I was thinking it was Adam Ray. That would be a great Adam Ray character.

I'm Dr. Chuck, everybody. I have a master's in virginity. All right, ladies and gentlemen. As you see, anything can happen. All different shapes and sizes out of this bucket tonight. Make some noise to your next bucket. It's Joe Newcomer, everybody. How are you, man?

Oh, my God. So is there any straight people in here, or is everybody gay? I'm raising my hand because I'm straight. Too late, you're gay. You had to think about it. He had to think about it, right? Yeah, to think about it.

You take the G out of gayness. All you have left is anus. Ew. Oh, my God. To you young ladies over here, I'm only 27 emotionally, okay? I'm an on-me-sexual. That means I'm having sex with whoever's on me, all right?

And don't get excited, boys, but I'm also a bisexual. That's because I'm having sex, and then I'm like, bye. I'm not culling with you, okay? Oh, my goodness. Fowl de Merritt. You're okay. All right, Joe Newcomer. How you go?

How you doing? little bundle energy. Casey Rocka got old quick. Holy shit. Oh my God. You are one of the funniest ladies we've ever had on the show. Look at you. Now, Joe, I'm going to be honest with you,

man. You've been on this show before? No, I have not. Right. I literally know you from being on 6th Street. That's right. You're one of these guys that I fist bump almost every evening. Joe is one of the most positive motherfuckers you'll ever... He really is.

He really is. This guy's a champion of the Austin scene. I don't say hi to everybody all the time on Sixth Street, but you're always smiling. I've seen... That was weird. I've seen you barking for... Wait, what just happened?

Okay, okay. Okay, what's going on over there, guys? What did I miss? There's a whole side show happening. It's weird. What happened? It was fine. Okay.

I'm good. All right. Okay. What was... What was it? I missed it. It was... He grabbed his chest and his leg.

Left arm went lit. Oh, okay. All right. I was just laughing. We're just excited. Okay, Joe. Welcome, welcome. So again, I've seen you barking on the street, always positive, always with a...

Okay, you okay? We'll get you out of here. We'll get the medic for you. It's all right. Something shocked you? Really? Yeah, it's like a shock. Did the electric engineer just Jimmy rig it so that everybody else fails tonight?

Okay, well, Kino, let's get a second, let's get a backup mic up here. I mean, there's almost no way that that's humanly possible. Is it technically even possible? I've never heard of such a thing. There you go. Let's get backup mic number two on. Let's throw that one on the ground. Are you fake being electrocuted real quick?

No, I am not. If you get shocked by that one, we know that it's you, bud. It might be. I'm full of electricity. I don't know. That is, Harry is the assassin. Okay, so Joe Newcomer. How old are you?

I am 58 years old. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up comedy since 2019, but, you know, COVID took me out for a couple years. No doubt about it. Okay, so what made you want to start then? I used to be a drug dealer,

and a lot of people, a lot of people that was, that I was dealing drugs to, they were laughing their ass off while I was dealing drugs. I'm gonna be one of those and I go, Where are you from? What part of Florida are you from? I'm from California. California, oh shit.

Buying drugs from you, you're there in a second, aren't you? Oh yeah. And this is not one of the drug dealers that just sells it and leaves. This guy sits there and chats with you for a while. Lord knows this is one of those. What flavor drugs did you sell? I sold everything. Yeah.

Coke, heroin, you name it. I had it all, but I had it all. I haven't done any hard drugs in 13 years. Wow. Just for the record. Electrical engineer, PhD, a book to unwind, and we're back to kill Tony here with Joe Newcomer. This is what I was talking about.

You never unwound with a book in your fucking life, have you? Never. You only use books to do lines off of, am I correct? Yes. Yes, absolutely. This guy wakes up with books. He doesn't go to sleep with a book. I got it.

I got it. He's one of those fake speed readers like, I got it, I think I'm smarter now, dude. I got it, Harry Potter, yep. Oh, I feel like I'm shocked. Oh, this book is shocking me. Oh, oh, oh. I need another book because this one's electrocating made it.

Fuck out, dude. All right. So Joe Newcomer, you are an amazing story. How did you get sober 13 years ago? I always ask everybody to get sober, because maybe we can help somebody out there that's going through a problem. Because I mean, I'm looking at you.

Dude, if you could get sober. fucking anybody could get sober. You did so many drugs that you're still high, 13 years later. I didn't want to bring the room down, but I died 13 years ago. You really did? Yeah. I saw that line twice in a hospital, but they saved me. Wow, what kind of microphone electrocuted you like that?

Right. This guy. Crazy, right? It is something else. So take us through it 13 years ago, just a straight-up overdose. You're by yourself? Yeah, I was by myself, alone in the hospital. hospital. It was my birthday as well.

No, where were you, where, where did you overdose? Oh, in California. But I mean, in your apartment? Were you with friends? Well, I had checked myself into a hospital about a week before that. So wait a second. You checked yourself into a hospital a week. I cleaned up. I got off drugs, got into the hospital so that they would detect drugs in me and they would treat me like a normal person.

And then I flatlined out about a week in. Oh, from being sober. Your body reacted. Yeah, I was just, my organs were shutting down. Wow. In Riverside, Riverside, California. Wow. Shout out Riverside Hospital.

Right. Amazing. They did save me. That is incredible. If anybody's wondering what Riverside is, that's the top right corner of the last Grand Theft Auto Map. Yeah, I moved from Riverside. I'm sorry.

Got it. No, you're good. So Joe Newcomer, how do you make a living exactly? Well, I work at Bulls, Irish, pub, I bark for a living. This man on the end of the desk down there, he knows that I'm one of the best barkers in the city. You really are.

I agree with Red Band. You are one of the best barkers. Like I said, you're always out there with a smile, positive energy, a strong fist bump, a good hello, nothing crazy. Of all the times that I've walked by you, so many times, whether it's the first time I see someone or the 20th time, they always go, Tony, just to let you know, one day, I'm going to be on your show and I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna rock that shit. You've never annoyed me with that.

It's always just a positive hello. This is my 116 sign up tonight. Really? 160. Wow. So crazy. Some people get it their first time. Some people get fucking that one asshole.

Who is that dude, Frank McGow or whatever. He's been on twice in like a month and everybody hates him. He's so unlikable. He brings nothing. to the party whatsoever. And meanwhile, you signed up 116 times. That's years in a row.

Wow. And you just did it with a positive fucking energy. And here you are grateful and happy. Amazing. Give us another fun fact about your life, Joe, newcomer. Fun fact about my life

is that I believe every one of us can be happy. Every one of us can be happy. Yes. And I, after I meditate every day, I leave the house with this one saying I don't care if I deserve to be happy anymore. I'm just going to do it today because I'm capable of it.

Fuck deserving it anymore. Let's go. Yeah. I love it. You got Kino the lighting guy inspired back there. That's amazing. And he's never happy. He's a miserable wreck.

That's incredible. But that's what's so true about comedy. Mistakes and fuck-ups resonate. Nobody cares about fucking perfection. You fucked up. your back, you're swinging for it, I love it so much. I'm in pain every day walking around. You miss it?

Yeah. Oh, I, no, pain makes me feel like I'm alive. Wow. What a positive energy. And look at all the women that complain when they have a cramp. Wow. Absolutely incredible. I ordered an old milk.

I need a Tylenol or something. Can that? Jakob Smirnoff. Can I ask your question? Yes. What's a barker? Barker, he's a guy. It's like, hey, if you want to see a comedy show,

come right this way. How do you do it? Show the people how you bark. Just do it like you do it on this street. Like, hey, put a little giggle in her wiggle and bring her to a comedy show, bro. Yeah, that works. All right.

The people walking... Great air conditioning and beer. Get in there. He's good at what he does. There's been a couple times where I was going to meet a friend at a bar or something. I almost went to a fucking comedy show. No, I'm kidding.

I would never in a million years. But you're good. You're good at what you do. Joe, so fun, so positive. You're just a fucking like a breath of fresh air, even though you look like you wouldn't, you don't know anything about anything that, all right. Positive push.

Show newcomer, ladies and gentlemen. You did it, Joe. All right, man. That's it. I love you guys. Keep signing up. You'll get you out of here again. Maybe in another 116 weeks.

We having fun out there? How are we doing? Good? All right, everybody. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Chris Bock, everyone. Chris Bop. Hello. I just got a haircut.

And I don't really like getting a haircut, you know, because I was sitting in the chair getting done, you know. And he's with the machine. He's doing some, you know, he's doing the line where the hair in the neck stops. And then he's taking the machine. and he's doing some neck here, which, you know, is completely normal. You know, and then with the machine, he's just going further and further down. You know, it's almost like it was a bit insulting, you know, because I didn't know I had here that back there, you know.

And I only went there to cut myself up here, you know. I wasn't like, why don't you start here? and then see how far down you can get behind my shirt. All right, Chris Bob. Welcome, welcome, Chris. How are you? Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct?

This is my first time. Where are you from? You have a little accent there. I do, I do. I'm from Norway. Wow. Look at that. That is incredible.

Your neighbor. I know, yeah. You kind of look like me too. Holy shit. This is a very special. Everyone is... Welcome to another episode of secret Germans

trying to blend in with society. I'm pretty sure all of your dads were Nazis. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. I mean, yeah, you seem German as hell. I think I'm Norwegian. Uh-huh.

Yeah. But some Nazis fled to Norway, am I correct? after World War II? Yes, and some Norwegians also fled to Germany. Yes, absolutely. Okay, how old are you? I'm 31.

31. How long have you been on stand-up? During almost three years. Three years. Yeah. All of it in English? Mostly in the Norwegian. Yeah.

I like the fit, too. The white jeans, white t-shirt, and then dress shoes. I want to look nice for the show. in Norway we look nice yeah I perform in Norway it's one of the worst audience you've ever seen your fucking life

these people are calculative cold blood just it was an amazing show yeah they stare and if they like you they clap a little bit yeah they don't really laugh there's no verbal laughing that's why I like the US you know because you guys laugh

yeah Sweden is the same way I've performed in Sweden in giant theaters in Sweden and they kind of just go like like that. Incredible stuff. Yeah.

After the show they go, we loved it. And I'm like, really? They're like, yeah. We don't laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha. I can also do, I can do an American accent though.

Okay. Which I don't think you guys, if I talk like this just the whole time, I think you guys would have just thought I was one of you. No. You know? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You changed nothing. If I would have talked like this, I bet you guys would have thought I am one of you. Wait. Wait, that was the impression? Yeah, that was. It's so stupid.

Do a black one. Do a black one. Do a black one. I got one. I am very black. Do a black impression. This is amazing. I want to hear it now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Don't say. Don't say it. That is not the N-word I was hoping you were going to say right then. Wow.

But I do have black friends, actually. You do have a lot of black friends? Not a lot. Oh. Wow. Are they in Norway? They are in the U.S. That's right.

That's right. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Because as you guys probably can tell, I have lived in the U.S. Since that's why my English is so good, you know. Yeah. How long have you lived in the U.S.? I went to school at Arizona State University. Oh, my goodness.

How did you end up going there? There's a guy that definitely didn't go to college. What was the question? How did you end up going to Arizona State? Oh, it's a lot of beautiful girls there. That's why you selected that place. Did your parents pay for it? No, our government did.

Yeah. Norway is insane. It's insane. They got everything. I want to do comedy in America. They have it all figured out. Are you from Oslo? Almost.

Bergen. Okay, Berglen, yes. Beautiful place. A lot of wooden ships. We do have and also wooden houses. Yes, definitely, and wooden shoes sometimes. Yeah, okay. So Chris, amazing.

What else do you do? How do you make a living now? You're 31 now. Now. How do you make a living? What type of a murder hotel do you own? It's, I just have a regular job, you know, like most of you probably. Yeah, what is the regular job?

I work in a bank. Oh, you work in a bank? Yeah. What kind of bank? It's a normal bank. It sounds suspicious to me, my friend. This guy's full of shit, dude. Would you like to trust your funds with me, Mr. Bon?

You're a psycho, dude. Is it a blood bank? Are you working... Red Band has his own retarded cheering section over here. Just a bunch of obese people. Knocking over glasses with their fat elbows and shit. How long have you worked at bank? Four years.

Four years. You're a teller? I'm not a teller. What do you do exactly? I work with corporate customers. Corporate customers? Okay. Like offshore accounts? No, but it's crazy for me to be here in Austin.

I just... Wow. Very suspicious, ladies and gentlemen. We're trying to change the subject in front of four million people. Yeah, no, nothing illegal. Austin is crazy. The music, the scenery, the street, a lot of homeless around here.

I've seen a lot. Okay. No, but I'm kind of jet lagged, you know. Okay, it's all good. Yeah, where'd you fly in from? Where'd you fly in from? Arizona? Bergen, Bergen.

No, I live in Bergen now. Oh, I live in Bergen. When did you get in? When did you get in? I just got in today. Wow. A few hours ago. Oh, my goodness.

What was your flight like? What airline did you take? What class? Well, basic economy? Very basic economy, yeah. Yeah. In the back. What row? I feel like just making economy

seats worse and worse. Did I just imagine you? Just, okay. 17 hours, okay. They're like, do you need music and food? No, thank you. I'm going to America. Crazy Norwegian It's so dead.

Look at it. Nothing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I can't. Oh, yeah. It is true. I mean, you guys are cold as ice.

It is incredible. No, I can actually be really expression. Oh, there it is. Oh, show it's something else. Whoa, is that the only one you got? Do it expression. It looks like it's hard for him to do. Oh.

I have so many. expression. I am a doctor telling you have AIDS. Go! You have two weeks to live. But also you're having triplets with... It's a little good news in there, it seems. Seems like you're pretty excited about that. You're coming inside a beautiful lady. Right. Yeah, I felt like We were over. My God. You are incredible. So you still...

I'm really happy to do stand-up comedy. It is an incredible art from I'm chasing my dreams. I love it. So you still live in Bergen. You're in Bergen right now. I'm in Bergen, but I'm going to be here, you know, for... In Austin? How long my visa.

How long do you think you're going to be in Austin? 90 days. Exactly. 90 days. I know the visas. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so how are you planning on spending it here in Austin?

What are you looking forward to? You literally got in from Bergen, the other side of the fucking world today. Tell us, what are your plans for the next 89 days here in Austin, Texas? I think I'll pick up a book. Oh, wow, I know just the man for that. Wait until you meet Dr. Chuck. Hell yeah. Come here, my friend.

I will show you all my collection. Why are you stabbing me? home young man I thought you were a good boy just how could you do it with no expression all right all right Chris Park all right let me ask you this because I mean you're so you are you know and what we would consider like an emotionless expressionless cold-blooded Norwegian right so that's at least how what we have you labeled as stop looking like you You're plotting something.

Yeah. You are basically, let me explain to you, Chris. Stick with me over here. You're basically... As white as it gets. I mean, you are villain white. You're wearing all white. It's incredible.

You have black on your shoes because I'm guessing you stepped on them on your way in here. That's the vibe that I get. So let me ask you, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Is there something that you do sometimes or maybe something that you, you know,

The answer could be anything, but I mean, you're just so white. I got to know. What is the blackest thing about you? I do go through the barbershop pretty often. Oh, wow. Wow. Incredible. That is amazing.

It was your whole set was about going to a barbershop. I believe it. He has the exact same hairline as me. Like, I see, yeah. It is amazing. Is he a dude, airline? No. It's rough.

You see how far. No, it's masculine to have receding here. Ah, very good. What's your dream girl? What type of girl, you don't have a girlfriend, right? No. Okay. So here you are.

You're in Austin, Texas. I mean, the place is incredible. The most beautiful women in the world. You can have anything, every different flavor. There's beautiful fucking Latinas. There's beautiful, black, voluptuous black women. There's chicks that make it look like their tits are bigger than they actually are by squeezing them up and in and together at the same time,

even though they're totally just A-cups. There's all different. There's chicks from Baltimore that fucking have hot, slutty vibes and floppy fucking tits and look four months pregnant. I mean, there are different shapes and sizes of girls. Absolutely everywhere. We love you, Baltimore. You can have anything in the world.

Let me ask you, because I know you don't have, I know you don't have Latinas in fucking Norway. And I know you don't have black girls in Norway. In Norway, they basically fuck a mirror. It's crazy. Yeah, exactly. I am here to meet you. Yeah.

Yeah. Everybody in Norway. ETA, I come in three, two, one. Ooi, oh, oh, I am coming now. I am coming now. Thank you so much for interaction. Your Uber is on the way.

The bloodline continues. Your Uber is on the way. Uber is on way. Hold on, let me say in my American impression, your Uber is on way. Oh, you see, because I unleash in the bedroom. Ooh, really? Is that true? Tell us more. What types of things do you do after you tie them up and slit their throat and fuck the throat hole? Finally, I am feeling something. I unleash. I unleash on you. What types of things? What types of things? things you do in the bedroom teach us something just you know a relaxed guy you're so tense i am so relaxed right now do you like you like to be on top and like tell them what to do be a little

good girl do you have to answer this what do i have to answer yeah yes yeah you're on the podcast buddy you know the deal you had a good minute the barbershop shit was cute and all but now we're getting to the nitty gritty. We're doing some surgery here. Yeah, but I kind of like that to be... So I'm like a dirty little whore. Yeah, show us on the R.E. Maddie, what you would do to a girl.

So I'm like a dirty little whore. I'm like that... Whoa, my God. Oh my God. Like... I don't think you can show you because they take all their weapons at the back door when they let them in. Come in.

at the shop. Ari is fully committed. This guy... Remember, I'm just a guest, okay? Look at the way Ari looks at this guy. You wonder why all these Eastern European countries are always at war. Just look.

This is them making friends, everybody. This is them sniffing each other out at the dog park right now. Oh, my gosh. What do you say to me when you're like... Like, what do you say? This is incredible. It's going to be the first guy to die from embarrassment.

Whoa! What a country! Chris Bach. Fun times, man. Welcome to America, dude. This is it. Here in the mix. Congratulations.

Here's a big joke book. Bingbok. Chris Bach. Final bucket pool of the night. And then we're putting a ribbon. on this thing. Put your hands together for Dulce Mac, everybody. Dulcee Mac.

I'm from Venezuela, don't shoot. I got here before the whole thing. My family used to be rich in Venezuela. We spent all our money on kidnapping ransoms. They gift them back, you know, for the right price. Like, here they're like, eat the rich in Venezuela. They're like, let's just borrow them. No, it was hard when I started dating in America

because guys, they always wanted me to speak dirty to them in Spanish, and I had never had sex in Spanish before. So I just, like, name things around their room. Like, La Puerta. Los Apato. You can't say comestaso, they know that one. They also cheat a lot here. Yeah, last time I got cheated on was with someone really close to me.

Yeah, I broke up with him, but I stayed friends with her. because you only get one mom or whatever. Dulce Mac, what a set. You did it. Welcome, welcome. Welcome, Dulce. Have you been on this show before? I have not. Wow.

First time. That's incredible. I've known you since Los Angeles. Dulcee is a part of the whole comedy community. Best friends with Kim Kongbin. Besties. You came here tonight with Dedrick,

friends with Dedrick Flynn. Yeah, besties as well. Okay. Very good. Good. Just trying to explain a little bit of background here. How many times have you signed up for the show, do you think? Just twice. Wow. Incredible.

Fucking poor Joe newcomer. Son of 119 times comes up here, gets electrocuted by the microphone. He gets alive hearted. He's like, I'm good. Did you notice he drank like water and his left arm kept hanging? He had a full-on heart attack kept going. Oh, I really thought something was wrong. I was about to have you.

I was about to have you, before we realized it was just the microphone, I was about to have you drag his ass out of here because I'm like, it ain't happening on camera. He can go right behind that curtain and go fucking die. It ain't happening. Last thing I need is that fucking heat. Kill Tony, actually killing people now.

I can't believe it was a white guy. Kept the show going. He's turned on the whites now too. He hates everybody. White man, electrocuted live on Kilda. All right. He would have loved to die here.

That is true. Joe newcomer. He's going to be happy wherever he dies. I've seen you a few. Of course we know it. I've seen you so many times around the Austin scene.

I love the deadpan shit. Your face says nothing. You just deliver it down the barrel. I love it so much. I've seen you have great sets all around town. You're a great comic. Thank you. Yep.

Very fun. Dulcee. Tell us about your life. We know nothing about you. What do you do for work? Right now I'm on tour with Kim. Wow. And I take photos on the side.

You take photos. You get paid to take photos? Yes. Oh, my goodness gracious. What are you taking photos of? Comedians that need head shots. Wow. Incredible.

You can make somewhat of a living doing that? She does great. She's great. You know this? Yes. I've no d'Orsay for a long. Is she taking pictures of you? No.

Because if she makes you look good, she's great. No. A lot of the tender profile pictures of the guys here are me. Okay. All right. What else do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? You seem like every chick in Austin, you have a bunch of little bad tattoos, kind of misshaping. Seem unhealthy overall, but...

All right, I'm joking around. Shut up. I play pool and I do Pilates. Oh. Basically a pool and Pilates. What type of Pilates? Pilates. Sounds delicious when you say it.

There's Lagree. I can't cook. I'm sorry. Oh, okay, okay. Wow. Hot mat Pilates. I'm crazy. You're crazy? You know, I never really got Pilates. I literally don't know what it is.

It's kind of seen the setup for it. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? And someone's like, that's a Pilates table. And I'm like, what? I didn't ask any more after that. It was created by a man to help soul. Well, we knew that part. Um, uh, hello.

So was fucking everything. Wow, it was created by a man. Wow. All right, chicks. Stretch your pussy in different directions. It's going to be an art form where chicks meet me 101 and they stretch their pussy in front of me in absolutely different positions.

Hell yeah. Yep Hell yeah That's exactly how the class goes Amazing But basically you strap in and stretch out Basically I wish you asked about the pool instead of the Pilates Alright

Where do we put the balls? You know what I mean? You got the black one? You lose Yeah Fuck yeah Dude fucking putting balls and holes over here, right? All right Dulce, give us another fun fact about your life Because pool and Pilates ain't really

Whoa! How did that happen? How did we get married or? Sure. The whole thing. We were both in Percocet And our best friend had died And we were like, let's get married.

Wow. Then he had deported to Spain. Wow. Oh my goodness. Who was the president during this deportation? Just kidding. We all know. I'm so deported back to Spain. Oh, my God. I have to do more flamenco. Yeah, it's not that bad. It was sick.

It was sick. Yeah. Do you miss them? Yeah, sometimes. If he wouldn't have gotten deported, do you think you'd still be with him? No. Why? Why do you think? he would not be with him anymore. Well, he was, he would cheat

and he would get kind of crazy, like he would try to jump off the balcony on the car. But that's like Spanish. That's like, you know, like, you know, like, if you do not kiss me tonight, I will kill myself, you know. That's Spanish, you know, it's like,

if you want someone neutral, there's a Norwegian guy I know. This guy, yeah. You can leave me. I will still follow. Dulce. You know, Dolceo,

I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. I love it. There you go. Mack, ladies and gentlemen. Here she goes. All right. I lied.

One last bucket pull. Is that all right? Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get through this one quick. Make some noise for Mason Smith, everybody. Mason Smith. Here we go. Oh, we know, Mason.

There's a minute from Mason Smith. What's up, guys? How you doing? I went on a date with the girl recently. We were boozing it up. We were drinking. And after you. the day we're walking to her car, she goes, hey, when we get to my car, don't judge me.

I was like, what the fuck does that mean? It's a weird thing to tell somebody after a first date, you know? Like, what, do you have a dick or something? And I'm a progressive guy. I tug on it. It's not gay if there's tities. Bit of a loophole I found. So we get to her car, and she pulls out a breathalizer to start the car.

And I was like, shit, lady, I've had three of those. That's nothing to be embarrassed. about. And then she goes, well, this is what I mean, and I'm just like, penis, penis, penis, penis. And then she reached into her back seat and she pulled out an industrial strength air mattress inflator, you know, the reverse vacuum. She put it to her breathalyzer. The car started. I didn't know whether I was terrified or turned on. Then she handed me a Cold Miller light from her console. She said, buckle up, stupid. You're in for a good night. All right, guys, that's my time. Mason Smith, is that a true story?

Yes. That's incredible. Yeah. Wow. Wow. And it worked. I was so impressed. She drove me around all night drinking.

I love banging an unhinged woman. Oh, yeah. And you know what else is funny? So we had sex later, obviously. She was wearing a girl. Obviously. A girdle. She was kind of a chubby.

She's a little bit of a slam pig. Sure. And she, uh... Sure. So we're about to fuck. And she goes, I'm a little embarrassed. And she just, undid her fucking girdle and it was like,

and I was like, oh, no! But I'm a trooper, I still did it. Hell yeah. I mean, you're kind of fat yourself. Biggers can't be choosers. I'm solid as a rock. You are? I don't know. You don't look like it.

Your arms are. It's only the arms, but take show of this. Yeah, I mean, what are we talking about your... Look at that. I mean, what is this? What is this? I just really like states. Wow.

Wow. I got Massachusetts and Arkansas. Oh, my God. That's a man right there. Yeah, buddy. Wow. Mason, you've been on this show. It's been a long time.

Am I correct? Yeah, I haven't done it since it was at Vulcan. Yeah, you used to work at Balkan, right? I did. I think I was their longest store guy. I was ever four years. Yeah. What do you do now?

I work at Creek now. Hell yeah. Okay. Tell us what have we missed about? about your life the last stuff years? Not a whole lot. Whenever, I mean, just my podcast is really starting to cook. What else? What else, what else, what else, Mason?

I was on the podcast. I was on the podcast, by the way, the first month I moved here, they uploaded the episode. The audio was so delayed by seven seconds. It's like unlistenable. We redid it, and we reposted it, and it's got my voice viewed one. Wow, yeah, no shit.

Yeah. I've also had Holtzman, Kurt Metz. Okay, all right, Mason. Enough about your podcast. Are you like gay, too sometimes? I mean, I'd fuck a trans. All right. That's like a little gay, I guess.

Mason, we're keeping a move, and this is the end of the episode. Thank you so much. Mason Smith, ladies and gentlemen. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the night. We're only one person can close a show like this. He's an absolute phenom of all the regulars we've had.

I mean, this guy has pure momentum right now. Never a dull moment. Absolutely unbelievable. He is a true anomaly. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, this is the real deal, Pat O'Neill. Recently started taking Krav Maga, which, if you don't know,

is an Israeli self-defense in combat system. Pretty intense stuff. First class, we learned how to blow up a hospital. Got to get this. them before they get you, you know. There's a new Black Panther. Could have fooled me. And I don't know who's going to tell the Black Panther this.

But every panther is a Black Panther. That's what makes them Panthers, you know? Like, the movie wasn't called 12 years a black slave. Call the NWA the Black Nick. All right, well, you get my point. If they weren't black, they'd be leopards or dragoers, you know, civilized cats. Okay.

Thank you. Wow, Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen, has done it yet again. Absolutely mind-blowing. Thank you, folks. I mean, you've gotten to the point to where the crowd goes crazy upon your name. The crowd goes crazy upon the trademark, folks. What I love about tonight is you are now getting laughs on your setups. I noticed, you said, I've been doing Krav Maga lately,

and the crowd just started dying of laughter. Nobody in the world believes. it. They're along for the ride. They know a big right turn is coming here. They don't know what it could be. You've got all of us fucking laid out on the hospital line. The Black Panther shit is no pun intended, black belt material. I mean, you are absolutely fucking shockingly incredible. This is an amazing thing for, I think, the world or the viewers to get to see what the fuck exactly is happening. Like, why, you know, it's almost like we're living in a lot. It's almost like we're living in an age where like a one hour special

is almost dull compared to watching somebody win every single fucking week. I mean, this is just amazing the process of watching you dominate with high expectations every week. You're crushing it. Let's talk to the other greatest regular

in the show's history, R.E. Maddie. The greatest regular. You're awesome, Pat, by the way. You know that, right? I don't know. And I love the... You have the folks. That's an amazing catchphrase.

And the way, even when you grab the mic, you're still nervously moving around because that's who you are. You're not trying to hide that. Every joke you deliver is by the book. You, like, really work hard. I see you at the mics all the time just working on your shit. And as like a regular myself, you know, so I can't, like, critique you. You know, you're awesome and you're absolutely killing. And I'm so proud of you, buddy.

Thank you, are you the best. Yakop. This is your first time on this show. I don't know if you've ever seen Pat O'Neill before, but Every week he goes at this tempo, this intensity, lightning fast jokes, squeezes it all into a minute and absolutely lays the place out. You've seen it all over the past, what, four decades? How long you've been doing stand up again? Five decades, dare I say?

Keep going. Oh, my God. Six decades? Holy shit. So you've seen it all. Well, I started in the Soviet Union, and you can imagine that it wasn't like easy. to do comedy there everyone here would be arrested

and we had the Department of Jokes I wish it was funny yeah I wish I was making this up so and then you submit your material and you have to then the bureaucrats decide what's funny what's not wow yeah yeah

would you like to hear some jokes they wouldn't let me tell Wow. How how how to explain to Soviet

to you heard this job no they would limit you know stuff like

they tried to open Taco Bell in Russia but Russian government didn't like the slogan

run for the border they would not or or Russian women are like

buses that was it so they wouldn't allow that but I was doing stand-up there and this is very your style is very unique and very intense so there's nobody

I don't know anybody that done something like that so with luck with that thank you he's an unstoppable machine so you hear the mic just shocked me really

Really? No, no, that guy was having a shirt. The shop came right after his arm went and lip. He's fucking, you know. Ladies and gentlemen, you got to see it live in the flesh. One more time for Pat O'Neill, everybody. Guys, tonight you got to fucking see a legend. How about one more time for Yakoff Smearnoff, everybody? You can get tickets to his tour at yakoff.com.

Y-A-K-O-V-com. He's going to Chicago, Boston, Atlanta, Sacramento, San Francisco, Hartford, Denver, St. Louis, L.A., and Tampa. And check out his theater if you're ever near Branson, Missouri, the Yak-O-F Theater. It is Laugh Your Yak-O-R-Yak-O-Tor with Yak-O-W. How about one more time for Yakov-Smir-Noff, ladies and gentlemen? And ladies and gentlemen, R-E-Maddy.com, also on tour.

St. Louis, Worthington, Florida, Providence, Houston, Sacramento, Kansas City, Eugene, St. Louis, Minneapolis, Tulsa, fucking Chicago, somewhere else. Unbelievable. You guys are working very hard. You guys are working like Russian, Estonian. This is what happens when you get to live the American dream. you take advantage of it.

One more time for the great legend, Ari Maddie, Yakov, Smirnoff. Guys, we're going to Las Vegas in November. We're going to Dallas next month, Houston after that. And of course, New Year's Eve, New Year's Eve at the Moody Center here in Beautiful Austin, Texas. We do an arena every year to bring in the new year.

And tickets go on sale for the next mothership. drop. That is September 9th at noon central standard time. Those tickets are for September 21st, all the way to December 28th. All those tickets sell out in about one minute. So I don't know whether to tell you to refresh your browser or get in the queue. I don't even know how to do it anymore. But we promise you there's no like pre-sold tickets. So you all have a chance all at once yet again to get tickets that sell out in a minute. Don't complain to us or write a email

to the website. Nobody cares. It all just goes at once. Everybody buys them all at once. But you do have a chance to get a ticket for the arena. New Year's Eve. Good luck with that. You can do that. Red Band is a stand-up show every Thursday called the Secret Show at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. If you like

Big Laughs and High Ceilings, make sure you check that out. And can I say something? Yeah. I was a little nervous. about coming here doing this this audience was incredible we have the best fans in the world people that love comedy

and thank you Tony for inviting me it changed my life I don't know my audience might watch this and never will talk to me again but I enjoy it very much well we loved having you Yakoff

we love people of all different fucking shapes and sizes and ages and wisdom. And as a former Comedy Store door guy and you being one of the original Mount Rushmore Comedy Store guys that made it a successful hit, you paved the way for literally all of this stuff. And this show started in the belly room of the Comedy Store 13 years ago.

I built physically, I was a carpenter there. Yeah. And I was the one who was building the bell room. Wow. Yeah. Oh, my God. How it all. Well, I didn't speak English.

and the owner of the comedy store gave me a job. And that's how I learned. And that's full circle. Amazing. The great Mitzie Shore started it all for all of us. When I moved here, you were one of the first person to write me a very nice message. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much.

So much love here. Yakoff, you are the fucking man. We're going to have you back any time you want. You're looking at it. Another episode of Kilt Tony. We did it again. We love you guys. Guys, God bless you.

Good night, everybody. Thank you, good night.