KILL TONY - #787 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + JEREMIAH WATKINS

Episode Date: September 29, 2026

Harland Williams, Jeremiah Watkins, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Monica Colt, Steve Glass, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 09/21/2026THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: SuperCast: Watch Kill Tony ad free and get tons of exclusive perks. Get Kill Tony + for $5/month now at https://killtony.supercast.com/ PrizePicks: Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Shopify: Own your customer relationships. Own your revenue. Start with a free trial at https://shopify.com/killtony Kickoff: Build credit fast and get your first month for just a dollar at  https://getkikoff.com/killtony. Thanks to Kickoff for sponsoring us! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Killton. From the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get off for Tony! It's glad! The best damn band in all the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raoul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, the great Michael Gonzalez. On the drums. Matt, ask me anything mulling on the electric guitar, ladies and gentlemen. The great John D's on the keys. Believe it or not, that is D-Madness, Live in the Flesh, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, my goodness. What a great crowd we have here tonight. We're in for a hell of a show, ladies and gentlemen. I can tell you, top to bottom, just so much excitement for the stuff that we can control. The bucket decides everything else. Everything's improvised. Anything can happen. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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lineup. Prize picks run your game. All right, before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up, you get every new episode ad-free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes. Behind the scene stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.com to join. This is a very, very exciting

opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtony supercast.com. All right, back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what, huh? Well, well, well. Boy, oh, boy, what can I say? I book this show myself every week. And sometimes I'm looking at a date on a calendar with a couple names next to it a few weeks out, maybe a couple months out.

And I'm going, wow, that's just right in the right place. After a wild episode last week with Donnell and Sam Talent, you know, it's kind of like kind of serious almost. kind of a serious, funny episode. And then the week before that was, it was fucking, why am I blanking, but it was a different tone.

You know what I mean? It's a different tone. Let me look it up real quick. My point here is tone, people. Oh, it was Duncan and Metzger? Yeah, very serious, yet hilarious. It's a serious episode. Ari, Maddie, and Yakoff,

the Russian connection. Gary Owen and Brian Simpson, what some people would call an urban episode. Well, let me warn you right now. If you're not into silly shit, you can get the fuck out because this episode should be pretty silly.

One of the guests has been on more episodes of Kill Tony than anyone I think ever. For he was once the leader of the band on Kill Tony. Isn't that crazy? How many of you have been fans of this show for what you consider a very long time?

All right, not that many people. Well, you're going to meet them tonight then. Luckily for you all, the other guest is the 2025, Kill Tony, guest of the year. One of the greatest guests in the show's history is back. Tonight, I present to you, the combination, two of the best comedians working today. The great Harlan Williams and Jeremiah Watkins.

One of the greatest guests in the history of the show, Harlan Williams, ladies in the channel. Thank you. It's good to be back here in Austin where art is so alive. And I got to tell you, double T. I was down in the park today over here at Whitmore and Braithenhurst. Yep. And they put up a new, a beautiful statue, a carving.

And it's a kind of a tribute to the early settlers that founded this area, the pioneers. And you got to check it out, gang. It's five pioneers sitting around a campfire with the... the old hats and the grizzled beards. And I took my iPhone out to take a picture and I got right up to it. And it was nine homeless guys eating a raccoon. Those are the pioneers.

Yeah, yeah. How are you, my guy? I'm great. We're so happy to have you. The Harland Highway business is booming, no doubt about it. A new show on YouTube, the Art Ventures. The ArtVenters. It's an animated AI cartoon about little kids

with their superpowers. are their art abilities. And I'm doing it with Steve Williams, the guy who created the Jurassic Park T-Rex and the T-2 Terminator, and my buddy Paul from Australia doing the animation. So check it out, gang,

The ArtVengers. The ArtVengers. I love it. I love it. Everything Harlan touches is unbelievable. And I can say the same for our dear friend, one of our old rabble rousers,

the great Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen, his brand new special Crazy Pizza is out on YouTube. He does stand up on this spot monthly at the comedy store, but most importantly, he was the leader of the band from episodes, I think what,

like 45 to perhaps all the way up until the end when we left, when we left the pandemic. Yeah. Up until the very last episode shot in Los Angeles, he played the saxophone, did different characters every week, and was hilarious. And now he's back.

This is just himself. Jeremiah Watkins as himself. I'm stoked to be here, guys. We love you, buddy. You guys know how the show works probably better than any two people ever on panel. Over 300 people signed up tonight for the chance to get on this show.

If they get pulled out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you're the son of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, so they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. Do you have anything for the 12-second mark? We love to add one. Well, that...

What about the 15-7? second mark. That'd be a whole different show. I got one. This is an 87-year-old lady at a senior center achieving orgasm. Okay, let's hear it. And you can have that. You can have that. Did you get

that, John? You recorded that? Okay. That sound will pop up at some How do I know how that sounds? That's not for you to know. You know what? I'm going to let this. I'm going to let this Dead Man Pool the first name. Put your little corpsey hand in there.

The vibes of Mitch McConnell are alive and well with this guy right here. I love it. And while we wrangle that first bucket pool, I gotta tell you something. We're starting tonight's show with a fucking bang. Normally we started with a golden ticket winner. Tonight we started with absolute comedy royalty. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

one of the greatest movie stars and comedic actors and stand-up comedians. Absolute royalty, the son of Mincy Shore, the one and only, the great and powerful to start tonight's show. This is Pauly Shore, everybody. What's up? Listen, I just want to say it's great to be here in Austin, Texas.

You know, my family used to pay Tony $7 an hour to pick up phones. Now he treats me like shit. Thanks for having me on your show, Massa, Hinchcliff. Remember Tony? I remember Tony when he was just a young comic

at the comedy store in the cover booth. Louis Anderson would come over and hit on him. That's why Tony's face is so fucking crooked.

Louis used to sit on it. Anyways. But I love this club. Give it to this club. It's a beautiful club. Beautiful club, yes. Of course, my mom has a bar

here downstairs named after Bar Mitzis. Nothing like a giant picture. Fuck, I fucked that up. I'm gonna try it one more time, okay? All right, here we go. I love this club. Of course, there's a bar downstairs

named after my mother, Bar Mithis. Yes? Yes. Nothing like a giant picture of your dead mom staring at you is you're trying to convince a co-ed-out tattoo waitress to blow you in Joe Rogan's private bathroom. I can't...

I can't handle all this barbecue here, you guys. It's so fucking heavy. You know, when I was young in 1990, I used to do lines of coke off of porn star's Pussies. Then I would perform and sold out stadiums. Now I go to Terry Blacks and I have to eat brisket and I have to cancel my eight-minute spot at the little boy. But if you think about what's happening here,

it's pretty fucking sad. Polly Shore doing a one-minute open mic to... It proves that Jews no longer controls Joe business. Congrats you fucking Nazis. You won. Hitler and none other you did it on Young Kippur, you fucks. Polly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. I love this. You prepared for this.

Wow. I love it. Our fans will have to Google what Yom Kippur is after that set. No, it's actually the biggest Jewish high holiday and it's tonight on Monday night. That's why Hollywood is closed down right tonight. There's no one

responding to emails in L.A. You have agents and managers that are Jews, so you know what I'm. Yeah. You probably couldn't get a hold of Bill Steen today. I could. My agents and managers still respond to me, Polly. I don't know what's going on over there. How you doing, Paul?

The great Pauley Shore, everybody. Harlan, you know Polly. I know Polly, and I got to tell you, double P. That, uh... Is this thing stuck? You pull it out of the mic stand. No, I've seen this porno. I don't...

Oh, dude. Stuck, bro. Can somebody help me? Was it there? Where's the blind guy? Can you help me, bro? There's no way. Sorry about that.

No, I was going to say, Polly. That first joke, the Louis Anderson on his face, I don't know if you're going to use that again, my guy, but I'd love to get that off you. Oh. Wow. Harlan came packing some cash.

Thank you so much. Oh, my goodness. Big Jew on the Jew holiday. I like this. Some cash and some cash. This is good. You guys want some Jewish money? Here you go.

Whoa. Vahnalah. There you go. What does he call them? No, I said Jewish cash. Hava Nihila, bro. We're cool. What does Hava Nekila mean in Jewish?

It's like a Jewish song. You know what I mean? You guys want to sing Hava Nagila? No, no, no. I'm sure that's copyright. Pah. Nahila. Polly.

Polly. Jesus Christ over there. I think Havindigila is an endangered lizard on the Galapagos Islands, by the way. Here, I'm going to give you another 3K to not sing that stupid song. Polly, what's been going on? No, I'm happy to be here. I haven't seen you in a long time. I know.

You got a dog now, just like I have a dog buster. That's pretty cool. Tony's got a dog, and he's pretty cool about that, right? Okay, yes. All right. I mean, you're talking about stuff that we don't, that you could... Hey, when you said that Tony has a dog and that's cool, could I actually, could I buy that off of you?

Yes, yes, yes. Okay. No, yeah, I just came from Atlanta, Georgia. We had some shows out there at the helium. It was beautiful. I'm here this whole weekend. I'm doing Joe Rogan and Friends. Oh, nice.

Tomorrow I'm doing Ari Maddie and Friends. And then on Friday and Saturday, I'm doing my show with no friends. because I don't have fucking friends. It's just me for six hours like this. I'll be your friend. There you go. Thank you so much. Yeah.

No, but I'm going to also do the secret show. Brian just told me, so I'll be here too for that. Okay. So I'm here all week just to spread love, and I love coming here to Austin Tech. Well, we love having you, Polly. I'm so glad you got tonight's show kicked off for us. Ladies and gentlemen,

he wrote actual jokes for this. That was a great presentation. Paulie Shore, the only person, I mean, literally has been doing stand-up for 50 years. He can't get the microphone out of the mic stand. Why do you, is there a, do you think it's? It was stuck for, see, no, there it is. It was stuck for a sec, but now it's back, it's okay.

Why is there tape on the bottom of that? Keno, can you hear me? Yes. What, why in the world? Don't take it off. On a show. Don't take it off. No.

Seen by millions of people. Would we have a jimmy-rigged microphone in cord to start the show? Like, I understand if something crazy happened throughout the show, but why are we starting with that? There were a few times people would pinch it, and the cable would fall out, so we taped it to make sure the cable would not fall out. And now people with decades of stand-up experience

can't get it out of the mic stand. Yeah, shit. Is this the first time that it's been on here? No, it's been like that for months. We just tape the microphone every week now. Yes, sir. You're just the first person that wasn't able to get it off. It was hard to get it off, dude.

It happens. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, but it's good now. We'll see if other people have problems with it. We're going to keep an eye on it on. We have Heidi in the back room. Maybe we get some loop. She's just got loop.

And she can loop? Heidi, can you come out for a sec just for some loop? Right here, give it up for Heidi. She's got some loop. Can you just kind of loop it up with it? Ooh, it'll spit. Look at that. You gotta love it.

Dude, the weasel just hop. Yeah. All right. One more time for the great Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Okay, there he goes.

Polly Shore, everybody. He's still here. It's like a ghostless fucking guy. Let's pop up anywhere. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It's Bob Biggers. Ladies and gentlemen, look at this. What's up?

My name is Bob Biggerstaff. That's my real name, Bob Biggerstaff. It's Robert Biggerstaff, obviously. If any of you guys speak Spanish, it's pronounced Roberto Grandecoq. My wife just got new tits. Because she had breast cancer. Should have waited a couple seconds

before you get cheered on that one. She's fine, though. You've guys heard of the horrible disease, L.L. L.Garig's disease. Terrible disease. Beginning of the year, actor Eric Dane. He had a special on Netflix where they had an interview with him because he had died from ALS. He had been diagnosed with it one year earlier and one year later he was dead from ALS. My dad got diagnosed with ALS in like 2001 and he's still alive. My point is Eric Dane's a bitch. my dad and Stephen Hawking are two of the strongest human beings you will ever meet your life

all right I'm done hell yeah Bob Bigger's staff welcome welcome this is your first time on this show correct it is hi Bob how long you've been on stand-up a while

okay a couple of decades I love that where at Houston lived in New York for a little bit I love it you're born and raised in Houston no I was born in Florida and lived in upstate New York, going to school. And then, uh, been in Houston most of my life, though.

Nice, Bob. I love it. So a couple decades. And what did you do in New York? When I lived in New York City. Yeah. Just, you know, doing comedy. It's 2018 to 2021.

What made? Good time to be in New York City. Yeah. Crazy times. Well, you made, you left because of the pandemic, basically. Yeah. Well, that and my fiance at the time got breast cancer. Oh.

So that's true. Yeah. Wow. That's true, yes. Yeah. And your dad. I would have to be a big piece of shit. You'd be surprised how many people sign up for this show, Bob.

People ask me that. Is that true? Did your wife have cancer? It's like, Jesus, what kind of asshole do you think I would be? Did she really? To make up that my wife had cancer, just so possibly you would buy one of these wristbands that I sell after her show. Did she really lose both of them, Bob?

Or usually it's just one? It's rare when you're... Someone losing two. She had a... Not that anything's little, but she had a tiny speck of cancer in one of her boobs, and she decided to have a double mastectomy. She's got big new boobies.

They're delicious. That's amazing. She doesn't have any nipples anymore, though. They couldn't put her nipples back on. Oh, yeah. That's all right. Sometimes if she's asleep, I'll put chocolate chips on them. Hell yeah.

She wakes up, I'm like, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I love it. Or if you go to, like, Dick's sporting goods, they have air mattresses and they have those patched. She can just stick them on. That's a good point. How much bigger did she go? Give us a ballpark here.

She had like bees before maybe? Yeah, maybe they're Cs now. The doctor actually did put in like one size bigger than she wanted her to. Hell yeah. They give you a little wink after that. Oh, yeah. I wasn't complaining.

Believe me. I'm like, keep going. Keep going. That's amazing. I'm not like a doctor. You know that. Right. What?

But Bob Biggercock, when you have a... When a woman gets the fake ones put in, can she still lactate? Can those breasts produce milk, Bob Bigger Balls? No. It's not the worst I've been called. No. I mean, I'm not a doctor either, but no, no, no, they cannot make milk.

Okay. She also have to be pregnant. Are you a Dr. Redband? Sometimes. We do. We have called him Dr. Redmond. quite a few times. You have? Red band's the kind of guy that would take fake tits and put a juice box of milk next to the fake tits and suck on the straw of the juice box to pretend like there's milk

inside the fake tits. Chocolate milk. Wow. I've seen that movie. You're like a dairy queen. Red band's seen it all. Have you ever sucked on a nippleless tit before? No, I actually have not, but I've seen tattoos, though. They have like these realistic tattoo artists that make it look like they have huge ariolas and shit like that. Yeah, she didn't get that. Oddly enough, they... The way they like tied them up when they... It looks like she has nipples.

It's like a balloon knot. It's just all the same color. Oh. Yes, it looks just like a butthole, Red Band. My wife's nipples look just like a butthole. Bob Biggerstaff definitely knows Red Band's brand of humor. Everything turns into a butthole. Believe me, I got plenty of stories about buttholes.

Let's hear one. We love a good butthole story, Bob Biggerstaff. A few years ago, well, a few years ago, I lost like 60 pounds. You know how I did it? How? Cancer. Oh, you had it too. Oh, my goodness.

In the funniest place you can get it. The butthole. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. That's red pants. In the butthole. Wow. Colorectal cancer.

Damn. How old were you? I'm all right. Well, I'm 54 now. I was like 51. Okay. Do you still have a butthole or do they steal the job? No, everything works.

I'll show it to you guys later if you want. Wow. Everything works. I had a bag on my stomach for like five months. Man, you don't realize how much you miss pooping out of your butt. Yeah. Until you can't do it for five months. That is incredible.

This is Red Band's dream interview. Yeah. It is incredible. He's like, what? Go on. Well, let me tell you, when I got the bag removed and they reopened, reopened, reopened the new butthole. I got to tell you, I'm not embarrassed to say.

That first dump I took out of that new butthole, I came a little bit. Wow. That's incredible. Is it a better butthole? Like, is it bigger? No, no, no. I mean, they didn't actually do anything in my butthole.

The surgery, I don't know what that was. The surgery, they actually, they use robots. They went through my stomach. Do you know how much you have to fuck up your butthole to when they're fixing it? They're like, eh, we'll just go through the front. Wow. That's incredible. God, do you have any, like, jolly leukemia stories you can share with it?

I mean, it all worked out. You guys, you ever see, let me ask you guys this. You ever see at the hospital, they'll show somebody, like, on the news, and they're ringing a bell at the hospital. You guys know what that means, and they show them ringing a bell? What does it, what does it mean? Cancer-free. Oh.

No. That is not what it means. That's what I thought it meant. It just means you're done with, like, chemotherapy. or radiation. So they had me ringing the bell, and I'm like, but I still have to have surgery. And they're like,

just ring the fucking bell for the video. Oh, interesting. Yeah, it could be that bell. That bell's better than that bell, that's for sure. Yeah, I think that was lunchtime. Well, Bob, thank you so much for coming on. Red Band. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday.

And here's a big joke, I can do that. Hell yeah. Bob Finger's death. The Kill Company debut. Oh, we're going to keep it moving along here. Jeremiah, you don't have to worry about that. You just...

One more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Coming out here. Working double time today is a microphone consultant and serving drinks. Hello there. You know, if you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real.

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So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash kill Tony. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash kiltony. We know this next bucket bowl. Very funny, man. Good to see the return of Mario Tanti, everybody. Here comes Mario with a brand new minute. I hate when people tell you their beliefs on a bumper sticker. Like, one time I saw this bumper sticker that had a red circle and a slash going through a swastika.

It's like, that's cool that it's crossed out, but there's still a swastika on your car. Like, very visibly, too. Like, you can see right through the slash there's a big swastika on your bumper. You don't need to say that. Like, I get what you're going for, but, like, it's implied, you know? Like, I just assume that most of you don't love Hitler. You don't have to advertise it on your car. But, like, it at least makes sense to cross out a swastika like that.

But it wouldn't work with other racist things. Like, it wouldn't work if you put a red circle and a slash going through the N-word spelled out. You'd be like, oh, I can't tell what side that person's on. Are they against the word, or are they racist? I can't tell. Unless it's plural, then they're for sure racist. Like, is that a bumper sticker or a bumper sticker? I'm not sure. All right, guys, thanks.

I'm on your talking. Fantastic, Mario Tanti. What I love about that said is halfway through, I was getting a little worried for you. But the payoff on that one was very real. Thank you. Sometimes they leave me hanging on that first part. Yeah.

It was great, though. Thanks, guys. The payoff was legit on that one. Very smart, funny joke. How's life going, Mario? We know you. You've been doing Santa up what now, five, six years? I'm about seven and a half.

Seven and a half? Wow, this time. They grow up so fast. Yeah. What's been going on? I live here in Austin. I've been here for like five years. I work at a restaurant.

I work at sunset. That's right. It's good. I have a girlfriend. Things are good. Nice. How long have you been with a girl? A little over five years now.

Oh, wow. Five years. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom, Mario? A guy like you. I'm guessing you like to busts out a little. finger skateboard or something like that? Yeah, I got nice long fingers. I'm good with my mouth too. Oh, nice.

Good tongue stuff. I'm sorry, that was gross. I shouldn't have said that. No, it was great. It was great. There was a guy on last week that had an unbelievable set and interview, and then we found out he is anti-pussy eating and he basically got booed off the stage. Oh, you have to. Yes. You absolutely have to. Yeah, he

literally almost got a golden ticket. And then he's like, by the way, I hate eating pussy. The crowd's like, fuck you. Take the golden ticket back. Yeah. No, it was wild. Mario, what else is going on in life? Any new hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, I've become obsessed with Legos for the last year. Ooh.

I got a Lego set for my birthday last year, and now I have, like, a fucking whole shell amount of room for Legos. And it's been a fun hobby. My friends make fun of me for it. They're like, oh, you're autistic. And I'm like, it's my fucking first hobby in 20 years, and all my friends are calling me a retard for it. Tell us some of the things that you've built.

The world wants to know what have you built out of Legos? A lot of Mario sets, both. Both Mario and Luigi Carts, the Game Boy, all the Mario. I'm out of Mario sets. I got them all. My girlfriend. Yeah, the girlfriend is made out of Legos, ladies and gentlemen. This is breaking news. We actually do have a Lego of me and her. It's pretty cool.

Oh, my God. Do you ever eat her little Lego Pussy? Not yet, but I'm going to go home and kiss it tonight for sure. You ever put syrup on it and pretend it's an ego pussy? Not yet. You will. I've heard you're not. When she's not in the mood, does she ever. put a bumper sticker on her crotch and tell you to F-O.

Yeah, a big circle over it now. Not tonight. It's period night. Yeah, that's the red slash, the fucking period. I was joking. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I love it. Mario, you look good. You're hilarious. You did it again. Red band. Mario, I love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Oh, bam, bam, bam.

Oh, here's a big joke book, Mario. There you go. Thank you. Mario taunt to you, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're keeping it moving. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Ronnie Roarback, everyone. Here comes Ronnie Roarbeck. Do you guys hear Ice got someone yesterday? Holy shit, my mom texted me.

She's white, and she goes, hey, your aunt and uncle are worried about you. Bitch, you're not? Like, honestly, what does she have, like, a life insurance policy out of me? She hasn't told him about me? She's like, I hope they mistake him for illegal. And, like, the worst part is, like,

I think my mom cares about me, but she doesn't. Because the other day, she called me over, and I was helping her in the bathroom. She put a blood pressure cuff of my arm, and she put it, and it was perfect reading, and she's like, fuck! I went home, she sent me a care package of Doritos and popcorn. This bitch wants me to die just to prove a point. No, honestly, it is cool. I just celebrated 10 years of my citizenship. I've lived here for 27 years.

My parents didn't tell me, like, they didn't tell me about, like, they saw the wounded armor, like, we could get him on a discount. Ah, shit. What's up, guys? Okay, that's the way to dismount. There he is, Ronnie Roarbeck.

You've been on this show, correct? Yeah, yeah. Okay, welcome back, Ronnie. Hell yeah, you are absolutely adorable. I didn't know that they... By the way, this is one of Mario Tanti's Lego creations, everyone, this is it. E-Walk from Star Wars, built out of Legos.

Mario stepped on the left arm at one point and cracked one of the blocks, and it's a little bit janky here. Ronnie, remind us, what's going on with that wacky left hand of yours? I got cerebral palsy of my left arm and leg. Oh, shit. You know what that means. You're going to be a star. Welcome, Ronnie. How long you've been doing stand-up? Almost seven years now. Wow. Tell us where. What part of San Antonio have you been doing this in?

Shit, I wish I started to Detroit. Ah, the San Antonio of the North. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. So, you're from Detroit? Yep. Okay. Well, I mean, like, I was adopted by white people, but they probably did Detroit, yeah. That's amazing. And you're originally from where? Guatemala. Wow, they adopted you from Guatemala.

Very lateral move. Hell yeah. Very interesting. Very interesting move. A white couple from. from Detroit went to Guatemala. And you already had cerebral palsy, so they were really, they were double dip in there. I don't know, because like my dad, he would always threaten to send me back.

Oh, wow. That's how you became a comedian. That's how it happens. Our senior cerebral palsy correspondent, Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. No, I'm very, I'm fascinated. I'm looking at your hand and I'm like a fish looking at a fishing lure.

I can't stop staring at it. And if you don't mind me asking about it, because your middle finger is doing stuff that I haven't even seen at a Cirque de Soleil show, would you do me a favor of my guy and just flip me off with that middle finger? Oh, man. I feel like I'm being flipped off by Salvador Dali right now.

Wow, can you pick your nose, but with this hand and it picks the other side? I wish. I can't get it up there, man. It's like it bottoms out. Maybe Polly can help you later. Why would that be a thing, Harlan? What? How could Polly help him?

I'm confused. Well, Polly couldn't get it out either. I bet if we rubbed some Viagra on that thing, you'd be able to get it up there, huh? That's amazing. I mean, I'm not making fun of it. It's actually quite fascinating, and it's fully functional.

You look like you love popcorn. The sad part is I eat popcorn every fucking day, you're right. You do love popcorn? Oh, so much. Oh, my God. Tell us about this love of popcorn. See, this is what I love. When people give me information to work with, tell us.

Well, like, because I've been doing a lot of research on this. You've got to go, like, over the stove hot popcorn. And all this bag shit is going to kill you. And it never tastes as good. Like, the salt never sticks to the fucking kernels. You got to fucking do it the way you want to do it. I pour fucking a pound of butter on that shit. A pound of butter.

Oh, my goodness. Jeremiah watches. Do you notice when he started talking about popcorn, his fingers straight. It's unbelievable. It is unbelievable. We found the pop secret to his condition. Would it be cool for you to give us a demonstration of how you grab popcorn with that hand? Oh my goodness.

Oh my God. You're like Orville Octopoppy. Dude, I feel like the popcorn, like this looks at me. They feel like the claw from Toy Story is. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no, he's gonna get me. Did you ever go to Toys or Us and just shoplift?

I wish, man. Oh, you'd be great at... See, the problem is, like, people don't treat cerebral policy as a real disability. No? No, like, I can't even collect disability. So you're faking it? No, I'm not faking it.

I don't even have my handicapped sticker. Wait, what? You don't even have a hand. Forget about a stick. Yeah. That is amazing. Why do you not have a handicapped sticker? How do you not qualify?

Well, I mean, first of all, I just got health insurance, like, a week ago. And like, oh, but like, because, like, I haven't been to the doctor in five years. And, like, I know I should be going to the doctor every year, but, like, it's hard to afford. Uh-huh. What do you do for work, my young Ronnie Rohrabbeck? Uh, I do DoorDash. Okay. Oh, wow.

Do those fingers ever get caught in the food on the delivery? That depends on the packaging and what they ordered. If it has cheese, no. But, like, I've been... Please tell us. The world wants to know the science behind a hungry door-dash driver like yourself. I, okay. Just mad at the world.

You spend most of your time with no health insurance. You don't have a handicap sticker. You're just out there door-dashing. And you're a hungry little boy, aren't you? Oh, you're so hungry, aren't you? Oh, my goodness. The worst part is because, like, I hate when people don't give their gate codes right away. Because if you don't give your gate code right away, you're a piece of shit.

And also for you. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to help you make more money, okay, buddy. I want to see you prosper. So this is what you do. You hand them the bag with the good hand, and you say, hey, can you give me an extra tip? I slammed the car door on my finger.

Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah. That's brilliant. You're going to be rich in about a week. Try it. Say that. Pretend like he's a DoorDash customer, and you say that. Have you got my P.F. Chang's?

Yes. Here's your food. Thank you. Can I get an extra tip I accidentally slammed the door on my bad hand? Holy fuck. Amazing. It works.

It works, Ronnie Warbeck. Can you shoot webs? I wish. I can't turn it over, man. Okay. That's the problem. Like, I hate going to, like, big events where there's stairs with no railings

and my hands are full. I take forever to go down the steps. Oh, my goodness. Like, people, like, I've had it where people, like, were acting behind me. would go, every time I take a step, they'd go, ah, ah! Whoa. Every step, I turn around and they go are acting like they were starting the wave.

Oh, my God. It's because your hands look like they're throwing up rival gang signs. Ronnie, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that is a master finger. Shit, unexistence right now. Really? I'm focusing on comedy. I love it.

How about just anything at all? Have you kissed a girl since you've been in honor? Oh, yeah. Oh, perfect. Well, in that case. You have? I'm disabled. I'm not fully fucking retarded, all right?

All right. Jesus. Okay. Sometimes it's a fine line. Have you given a girl a shocker? No, I haven't. Should try it. You've been married in weeks.

This is just my natural spacing, so like, I'm designed for this. Yeah. He gives the girl a shocker every time he whips out the other hand. She's like, whoa. Wow. Are you on a bowling team? No, I should. should be.

I mean, I wouldn't mind it because it's a one-handed sport. Yeah. Like, that's why I like disc golf. We talked about that before. I will go any one-handed sport where I can make a able-bodied person feel like shit, I'm playing that sport.

That is true. I would beat the shit out of you in basketball. Yeah, probably. Yeah, no doubt about it. I would do, like, all these cool moves and stuff. It'd be crazy. Lay-up. Finger roll.

I bet you could be really good at Shadow puppets, though. Like, you could do, like, these weird, Medusa things. I, like, because I always wanted to try to spell like blood and everything with my bad hands. But like they moved too much so I could never get the

lettering down. I'm a master of, I'm famous for being able to make joke books in people's bad hands. Can you put the microphone back in your right? Put your hand up against your chest. A little bit closer. There you go, yeah, just like that. And then you're just going to tighten it up when I get

close to it, right? I'm going to get it right in there. Ready? Oh, shit. Fuck my bad, dude. It's crazy. Almost hit him in the fucking face. That's really bad, everybody. It's like OSU.

All right. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Ronnie Roerbeck, everybody. Cerebral palsy. Not stopping them. Wait a second. Ronnie, get back out here. Uh-oh. Ronnie, get back out here.

Come here. Grab that microphone. I was just informed by the leader of the band, the keyboardist, John D's. You got a stripper pregnant last time. I didn't get her pregnant. I nutted in her. Oh, you nutted in her. She didn't get pregnant.

No, no, no, no. And, like, honestly, like I said, it wasn't my fault, all right? She was on top of me. I have a bad arm. I'm not going to throw her off of me. Unbelievable. Jeremiah.

Also, he was able to get that mic out of the stand so much easier than Polly. Ronnie, you're all good, buddy. You crushed it. There he goes. Ronnie Roarbeck, everybody. Yeah. Turns out Polly's more handicapped than anybody that's been up here tonight. Hey, you know that feeling when you try to apply for something, maybe a car or an apartment,

you realize your credit just isn't there yet? I've been there. Back in the day, I had no idea how important credit was until I suddenly tried and ended up getting denied for everything. That's when I found kickoff. I didn't need a miracle. I just needed to start somewhere. Kickoff is honestly the most straightforward way I've ever found to build credit. You don't need to worry about where you started before kickoff, it's really about what you do from here on out. Red Band. By making small on-time payments over the life of your account, you're showing the bureaus that you're reliable.

It's consistent and easy. No hidden fees, no interest. In fact, users with credit under 600 have seen it grow an average of 86 points just by paying on time. Start building credit with kickoff today and get your first month for as little as $1. That's 80% off normal price when you go to get kickoff.com slash kill Tony today. That's kickoff without the C. Getk.OFF.com slash kiltony must sign up via get kickoff.com slash kiltony to activate offer. Offer applies to new kickoff customers first month only.

Subject to approval. Offer subject to change. Average first year credit scores impact of plus 86 points between August 2024 and August 2025 for kickoff credit account users. Who started with the score below 600? Who paid on time and who had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during that period? Late payments may negatively impact your credit score. individual results may vary. Ladies and gentlemen, you can't make this stuff up. Your next comedian, I know this sounds crazy to you.

I know it sounds like this is all made up and produced and nothing is real. But, you know, when I come out here, I have a set lineup, right? It's all bucket pools. I have a bunch of dashes. And then there's some names that are just where they are, right? No matter who the last comedian was, your next comedian is a golden ticket. winner. It's exactly where he was on my lineup. There was three dashes in between Polly and this person. This person. Golden Ticket winner, one of the best to ever be on this show as a golden ticket

winner. This is a brand new minute. You can't make it up from the great Aaron Bileile, ladies and gentlemen. Going for the great Aaron Bileil. Oh, yep, better than Pauley. Polly, everybody. The great Aaron Bileile. Now he has to get his phone out of his pocket. Here he comes. It's a real, oh, here he comes, everybody. Just keep it going one more time. For Aaron Belial, everybody. I've been on planes constantly, and TSA is so aggressive with the wheelchairs. I say I don't want a wheelchair, and they argue with me. What do you mean you don't want a wheelchair? Yes, you do. No, I fucking don't. And then they pull out their gun. And they're like, get in the fucking wheelchair. Have you ever tried to you?

a wheelchair with one hand. I got dumped in an airport and I was crying my eyes out on the plane, and the flight attendant walks up and asks me if I'm okay, and I tell her no, it's just heartbreak, and she says, oh no, can I do anything? Do um, do you need a wheelchair? I started crying harder, and I told her wheelchairs remind me of my ex. My ex wasn't in a wheelchair, but she let me do her in one so I didn't feel ashamed of myself. What if she did that for every plane emergency? Oh, no, it's the Twin Towers. We are going to need more wheelchairs. Imagine if she was a therapist.

Oh, no, he's going to jump. What do we do? Quick, someone get a wheelchair. You have split personality disorder. Take two, wheelchairs, and call me in the morning. Oh, no, little buddy. Your uncle touched you. He can't get to your bum if you get in this wheelchair.

Fuck yeah, Aaron Belial. Wheelchair heavy set. We'll chair you on after a set like that. How you doing, Aaron? I've been dating a Latina. Went to the Renaissance Fair. And they take that shit seriously. They made her work as a housekeeper.

Took one look at me and tried to drown me in the river. Oh, shit. Wow. I love that. That's absolutely incredible. Hell yeah. Fucking, that's absolutely amazing. I was getting stopped every two minutes.

for a picture. I felt like Jesus to these nerds, except I can't walk on water, or down a hill, or up a hill. My point is, fuck hills. Absolutely. Fuck hills, no doubt about it. What else is going on, Aaron Belial? Usually I come out here and I make fun of Tony,

but I'm not gonna do that today. Oh. What you've done. The first time I ever met you, you kept asking me what I want and instead I was just a dick. My response was, don't make fun of my disability. You look like you get dressed by your. your blind bass player.

But listen, I come on here, I insult you, and you just take it. Your show made me famous? It started my career. He even helped me with my jokes for America's Got Talent. I think he told me to cut one, and it was a good cut. He has me on his tours. He signed my work visa twice. He tried to get me a lawyer the first day we met.

I'm literally selling out theaters in Canada next month, and all I do for this man is insult him. That is sick. Can I please get a huge round of applause for my lesbian friend, Tony, Wow! That's just nothing but compliments. What a rare treat! That's absolutely amazing. What a special... I love you, man. So I grew a goatee as a tribute to you.

Except mine isn't full of cum, and I don't talk like a dite. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. I should have known it was coming. You evil bastard. I'm stealing your Bluetooth. speakers after this. I don't want to hear another peep out of you.

Do you guys want to see my impression of Harlan Williams? Ooh. Let me tell you how I have sex in a wheelchair. I roll her to the top of the stairs, right? But we need to be safe. I practice safe sex. So I turn her emergency

break on, then I mount her with syrup and an ego waffle. Syrup and an ego waffle. And I glaze her up real nice. You got to glaze it. You You know what I'm saying? Glazer up real nice. Then when you're done, you take the break off and push the chair.

If that doesn't make you come, I don't know what will my little cinnamon angel. Wow. That is an unbelievable impression. Do I get to do a joke back? Yeah. All right, buddy. You ever find a family in a Land Rover and chase him and pretend you're a Tyrannosaurus wreck? All the time.

Oh, shit. Oh, he's got something. He's cooking up. something over there. Look at this. I make kids cry every day. Hell yeah. Again, I was just fucking joking guy.

You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew it was good for you, buddy. Whoa! Look at that. That is absolutely incredible. Master Impressionist. It's because I'm Canadian. We're both Canadian, so we're having a little

like Canadian tutatu la veca la la la. Do you speak French? Do you speak French? Does your phone speak? French. La telephone, parle, you

French? I'm not gay. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You will be. You will be. These are very

real. These are real $100 bills. Come on. I'm not a claw-handed freak. Was that a laugh or was that another the mighty Chewbacca

Aaron you are the man Is there anything else you have to say Or that Harlan has to say? I wish she had one. You don't have any in French? Oh, here we go. I'm not gay. Oh my goodness.

More money coming at you. The great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen, makes a noise for Aaron. We love you, Aaron. Anyway, let me see if I can make it the joke book in your crazy arm real quick. Aaron,

put your arm next to your chest real quick. I didn't, no, that's to be closer to your chest. Like right up

against your chest. Oh, Jesus. All right. You have to, it has to be like against your chest. Oh, Jesus. I'll do the noise.

Here, wait, Aaron, up here. Don't worry, you don't have to clean up the stage. Just closer to your chest. Here. You have a medium one.

Put it next to your... My guy. Now it's just becoming rude. Step right up. It's okay. I made him rich. It's all right. I made him rich.

Aaron! All right. Get out of here. There goes Aaron Malial. Jesus Christ. These Canadians are so polite. They're like, let me clean up the fucking stage for you.

No, it's all right. We're going to keep it moving along here. We have joke books everywhere. There's $100 bills and joke books everywhere. These comedians are very lucky tonight. Makes noise for your next bucket full. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Glenn from New York, everybody. Here comes Glenn from New York.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello, Austin. I am Glenn from New York. I am 65 years old, and I have been married for 32 years. Don't applaud. You never met the bitch. Three decades plus with the same woman. I don't know how I freaking did it. Okay?

Women are bad shit crazy. Everything I'm about to tell you, everything I am about to tell you, is 100% true. Okay, my wife, when I first met her, she was this beautiful girlfriend, looked just like Winona Ryder. A friend of mine told me,

you wanna know what your girlfriend's gonna look like? In 25 years, look at a picture of her mother. I was, it looked like she put her fucking face in a volcano. But the worst part, ladies and gentlemen, is the sex stop. Okay, when my wife hit fucking menopause, that was the end of fucking. I tried everything with her. I tried making the bedroom with incense, candles.

I asked her how her day was every day, even though I didn't give a flying fuck. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. Wow, Glenn from New York. Hello, welcome, Glenn. How are you? Hello, welcome, Tony. Thank you very much.

This is the thrill of my life. Thank you so much. I took a plane here at 6 a.m. this morning. Uh-huh. I got here. Here it comes. I got here at 12. And at 5, I was dropped off here by my friends.

And I'm going back home tonight. All for this bomb. Anyway, so, yeah, that's... Okay, I love that you gave me your entire day itiner. Well, you like to have stuff to talk about and ask questions. Okay. That's why I did it.

All right. I got it. Okay. Glenn, let's talk about it. You're 65 years old. Yes. You're definitely from New York. Really?

How can you tell? Go, go, go, go, go. Okay. You be quiet back there. Deep Madness is leaving right now. So, Glenn, when did you start stand-up comedy? Long story, but I'll keep it short.

I highly doubt that you're going to keep it short. But go ahead. I started stand-up years ago after my radio job, after it ended, I did a morning show for 12 years. The new owners bought the station. I was out of a job. I tried stand-up a couple times. It was great.

It went, and I'm not going to brag, but it went a lot better than this. And what happened is the COVID hit, and that was the... No, wait, this is good. This is good. Keep going. Yeah, keep going.

COVID hit. COVID hit. The economy tanked. My wife said that I have to apply for early social security. I felt like Michael Jackson. Michael. It's okay. Glenn, let me take it over here.

All right. I felt like I was disappearing, like back to the future, being on early social security, which I did not want to do. Michael J. Fox is who you were. Michael Jackson. Big difference. Yes, yes. Hell yeah.

One of them shakes a lot and the other is Michael J. Fox. Okay. I'm a dad with two kids and that's what I'm doing right now on early Social Security. How old are the kids? My son is autistic. He's 21.

He's nonverbal. My daughter is 23. My son... She autistic too or just one? No, no, no. She's not autistic too. I love her. My wife really wanted to have kids pretty early, and I just can't wait until she

spreads her legs and leaves the nest. That's what I'm waiting for with my daughter. You want your daughter to spread her legs? It's a joke, Mr. Hinchcliffe. Wow, I didn't know you were going to start doing those out of nowhere. Holy shit. What's your Instagram? Okay, very good. Red band's disgusting, as always. I'll tell you, can I tell you about my son?

Sure, go ahead. My nonverbal son, because he is, he's, He's a lot funnier than his dad. When you get to my age at 65, sometimes when you pee, it's like jumping on a garden hose and so I'm peeing, right? My son comes in.

He comes in and he's peeing and he's playing chuzzle at the same time while holding his dick. Wait, you're peeing in your son? No, no. He doesn't know etiquette being autistic. So he comes in while I'm doing the 65-year-old man pee. He's playing chuzzle with his left hand

And he's holding it. He's playing what? It's a video game with his phone in one hand. Oh, my God. Okay. And he looks at me, the 65-year-old guy doing, you know, with the... And then what happens? And then he looks at me, and my nonverbal son says...

He laughed at me. Oh, okay. That's adorable. Did you say you did radio for 15 years? No, I did it for 12 years, Canadian. Were there any commercials or to just drone on constantly? I'll tell you, it's 6.30 a.m. I woke up at about 4.15 today, got up and urinated. And then I heard a little pop. Turns out my wife had toast.

My wife made me toast this morning. I'll tell you. She's going through menopause right now. She will not have sex with me. But the toast is extra crispy today. I'll tell you that. We put a little butter on it. And then you know what? We're going to check out. in with traffic. We're going to check in with our traffic here. It's still me. I'm the traffic guy as well. By the way, every radio DJ ever, this is

how exactly funny they are, by the way, in real life. What were the call letter? What was the call letter? WRCN-1039 RCN Classic Rock. What city? In New York. It's a little radio station on Long Island. It's like, you would think it's a sitcom, it's so small.

Yeah, I did that for 12 years, and it was It was a lot of fun and I miss it And I'm gonna be back here Because this is the last thing I thought would happen But this is the best part about Kill Tony Is you can come up here

This is the worst part about Kill Tony Is that you can come up here I'm kidding, I'm kidding Glenn You have a good spirit But you gotta have a little punch those jokes man I think it's the jet lag From coming here I came down here just for this show

I love it maybe next time Coming a day early Or a couple of years. You're okay, Glenn. Oh, this hurts. That's part of the game. I know. That's natural.

No, no, I get it. I get it. Make you feel any better. You're the least handicapped guy that's been on stage. Everyone else has had cancer and this and that. They do door-dashed for a living, cerebral palsy. That is the worst half-glass full, but I'll take it.

Jeremiah, it's been a long time since you've been on the show. What do you think about Glenn from you? How long have you been a fedora guy? Forever, forever. Yeah, it says a lot about someone's personality. Really? Does it? Whoa. Whoa. Look at the old wethead over here. You are soaking wet.

Fucking Texas is so hot. I know. You guys aren't used to it in New York. It's fucking ridiculous. Here, keep that hat out. Keep that hat out just like that. Put your hand. Go ahead. Just like that. Thank you. Hey, now that.

Jesus Christ. Glenn from New York, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. That is one of the soaking wetheads. I've ever seen in my entire life. He looks like a Cuban Adams family character. It's fucking hot here, even in the shade. It's hot.

It is literally, I have the temperature right here. Where the fuck did my thermostat go? I think you know where it is. Who took my fucking thermostat? How's that possible? It was here earlier. Are we done with like the worst night of my life yet? We are.

Anyway, it's like 72 degrees in here. You still got a fly. home alone with your band roll on head. Glenn, we love you. You tried your best, buddy. Thank you. Put that mic, stand back where you found it right up there on that red X. There you go. There he goes. Glenn from New York. Yeah, it is, Glenn.

Holy fucking shit, ladies and gentlemen. That's why radio's dead, by the way. Yeah. If you think former radio DJs doing stand-up is bad, you should go listen to their podcast that they're trying to do. They have no idea how to be present. Make some noise for your next

bucket poll. It's Brooke McMinnoway, everybody. Brooke McMilloway. What's up, guys? So I am 34, and some of the first music I remember really jamming to was like Usher, Mario, Chris Brown. I know you all remember Chris Brown. He said, I don't need... Actually, no. Mr. Brown said,

and I quote, I don't need another woman. I just need your all or nothing. I don't know about you, but if a man looking like Chris Brown saying those words to me, I definitely would not think he was implying my bottom lip and left cheekbone. Don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything funny about being a domestic abuse victim, but I do feel like I'm allowed to talk about it. I'm allowed to joke about it.

It's kind of like that one word, that one word some people can say. I know you'll know. I know you know a dude. Say it with me. I'll start. I'll start. Knit to pick if you say that word and you're not supposed to. I obviously cannot say it.

But if you're in the club, you can say it. if you're invited to the cookout, you can say it, you know. That other one, though, thank you. That other one, though, domestic abuse victim, guess who was invited to the cookout? Hey! I haven't got a hand-delivered invite. Not to brag.

My man wanted me to come so bad. He followed up off foot. Thank you. Okay, Brooke McManaway. Welcome to the show, Brooke. This is your first time, correct? Yes. How long you've been to stand-up?

This is my fifth time. Fifth time ever. What made you choose to come? come on a show like this that's absolutely seen by millions of people and is famously nuts. Seemed like a lot of fucking fun. I love it. How does it feel now that you're here? The bright lights.

Feels good. I am not shaking at all. You are shaking. I feel great. I hate to cut you off. Yeah, go ahead. Harlan William. Your beautiful long hair.

I would just love to run my fingers through your legs. The ape's over here. What is happening, Jenny G? For those of you just listening to the podcast, you would not believe. I mean, I don't think anyone on panel has legs quite as hairy as you, Brooke. They are really something else. We have almost identical legs. I have seen your legs.

It is funny. Now that you mention, I've seen Jeremiah's legs. You have those legs. Show it. Show it. Aramaya, just do it. Go all the way with it. There we go.

No, no, you keep your pants on, Brooke. We like to avoid lawsuits here. But if you look, we have a... Meg, of course, has moved farther back into the room than she's ever been before. That's fantastic. But I guess camera two's got it. Holy shit.

So how long have you been a free spirit, Brooke? Okay. So, can I tell you about the last time I shaved? Sure, let's talk about it. Okay. The year was 19? It was June 2nd of this year. It grows fast.

My little brother told me I could not come to his wedding unless I shaved my legs. So I shaved for him. That was in June. That was in June. This is all come since June, yeah. But normally you keep it long like that. Yeah.

Okay, what makes you want to do that? Take us through your process. I wake up. We find it very interesting here, right? Wake up, I shower, and just don't shave. I got no process. I just don't know. I don't see what the push is for women to shave so badly.

Okay, let's check out with Jeremiah. I'm just curious how the conversation went with your brother before the wedding. Was it a phone call? Was it in person? Was it a letter? Was it a video that he sent you? It was a phone call. Okay.

He was out of state, yeah. And how did it go? It was very simple. He said, Brooke, I need you to shave your legs or else you cannot come to my wedding. And I said, my dress literally goes to the floor. Did he call you? And he's like, you know what this. phone calls it back.

I should have known for sure, but no, I was not prepared for that. Can I ask you a personal question? Please. If you rub your legs together really fast, does it go? Turns in an Aaron Belial yell. So, Brooke, what else do you do that you find women are under pressure to do or not do that women are under pressure to do? Like, shave your legs. I'm guessing you don't shave anything at all.

Am I correct? I don't shave anything at all. Right, of course. I mean, if you have the thighs like that, I'm pretty sure the, yeah. It's all natural, yeah. So you probably have a throw pillow on your pen. Oh, there he is.

Deep Madness loves hairy legs. Come on in, Dee. That's how I know they're there. That's how he found the stage. He followed the happy trail. Holy shit, this bitch made a pubic hair. Can I ask a question about D. Madness?

Yes. Is he married? Are you married? D-Madness? Can I have a kiss on me? The world wants to know, are you married? No, he's not. May I kiss your cheek?

She has bad hygiene. That's coming from Red Band. I have great hygiene. She keeps the periods inside. Okay, Red Band. Red Band. Back to the soundboard. I never thought I'd say it, but back to the soundboard, Red Band. You're on fire tonight with those sound effects.

D normally avoids random kisses. No, that's fair. I have so many more questions. Brooke. So you're like a hippie kind of, right? That's what I've heard. I don't deem myself a hippie. You smoke pot? Labelled. Um, I did. Do you have a vinyl record player? I do.

You make your own coffee out of like a, like a, not a, it's not a plug-in coffee machine. You warm it up. I don't drink coffee. Oh, tea. You make tea. I don't. Really? I'm a water girlie. Oh, just water. You have your own big bottle that you refill. A giant ass bottle. How big is your book? Whoa, Jeremiah. Whoa. Racing right to the finish there.

No, Jeremiah, don't do it. No, no, we know. We've seen yours before. That's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. It's very awkward. Okay. Brooke, what do you do for a living?

I'm currently working part-time waiting tables. Waiting tables. Okay, you wear pants for that, right? I have to, yeah. They make me. Yeah, without a doubt. Okay, let's talk about your love life, Because I find this part very interesting.

You have a boyfriend right now? I do not. When's the last time you had a boyfriend? Three months ago. Three months ago. June. Isn't that amazing how that works out? I don't see what all this pressure is.

Hairless flies all of a sudden. Where'd you meet that guy at? At a dispensary. A weed dispensary, ladies and gentlemen, on a place where people who have all sexes with hairy thighs like to meet up. Okay, so what did he say about your legs? I mean, he must have.

He liked them. Well, he didn't tell me he minded them. He supported it. It never came up. No, I did not. I mean, the first thing we noticed, Harlan literally, the elbows started coming in from Harlan's left side.

I thought he was doing an Aaron Belial impression for a second. He just starts repeatedly bumping me the second you came out. And meanwhile, that guy never said anything at all, huh? He said he supported my decision to not shave. Of course. Yeah, that's what they say for the pussy. Well. Does your armpits match the, ooh?

Yes, they definitely do. Do you want to see him? Yes, let's see you the armpits. It's absolutely incredible. Since you offered it up. Wow. I mean, absolutely so much hair. This is a wild episode of Kill Tony.

I got a lot of hair. Don't make that face, dude. Now, what's amazing, Brooke, if I can say without seeming creepy, you seem like a very pretty girl. Like, you seem like you have a lot of beauty. What? Why in the world

are you taking this hairful approach to life? I truly just don't see the point. Are you a lazy transgender? Very good. Thank you, Reda. Good question. No, my dad, my parents, I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad. They're going to shit them.

when they say that I haven't shaved still. Because this has been an ongoing thing with you for a long time, right? It's been a fight. Honey, we've discussed this over and over. How many times you have to go out in public looking like a half centaur, half female? Right. Okay. So, Brooke, again, I find it impossible that there's not other things you can think of

that you don't do because of the pressure of society. There must be more things. Do you brush your teeth every day? Yes. You shampoo and condition your hair sometimes. Yeah, I feel like other than not shaving, I'm pretty normal. Everything else is normal other than a massive amount of body hair. She'd be a supermodel in Germany.

Oh, yeah. That's a compliment still. Still a supermodel. Are you German? I'm not German. What's your heritage? Irish. Irish.

John Dees has a good question. Do you use a wash cloth while you're in the shower? Or some type of lufa, perhaps. Bar a soap, straight to body. Regular bar as soap. Soap straight to body. Black people do not play that. I don't know if you know that.

They find it odd that white people do that. Extremely odd. It's a thing. Bar of soap? Yeah. Just a straight bar of soap. They do not understand it. They go, how you be cleaning with just a bar of soap.

That's what they ask. I have a lot of black friends. They use the same lufa for like three months, four months straight. Sometimes that's fucking close. Bacteria can be, bacteria can collect in a lufa. That's a very interesting way of looking at it. Bacteria can also collect technically on a bar of soap. It can, but then use the pubs, get it off, and then...

I can't imagine. Can you imagine what that bar of soap must look like? It must look like a bar of hair. It's just the movie tangled on a bar of soap. Trouble with Trouble. Brooke McKinney, you gotta keep at it, keep practicing, keep trying. Here's a little joke for you. Good catch.

She catches like that. a boy. She's got thighs. She like a boy. Brooke McKinney, ladies and gentlemen, giving it a shot. Very interesting. It's a very, very rare, extremely hairy thighs. The people in the front row, this poor guy holding back vomit right now.

I mean, it's incredible. The looks on some of the faces of these audience members tonight have been priceless. I love it. Let's keep the fun train moving along. This guy got excited. He's like, back when women used to be real. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're into that.

Floral. He's pumped up right now. He's the hamped. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool, obviously anything can happen. Goes by the name of Nino, everybody. Here comes Nino. Weight Watchers just filed for bankruptcy. About time, my sister stole a fat whore. All right, I'm going to start my minute now. I'm a millennial, and us millennials, we're all about nostalgia, you know?

We missed a throwback stuff. The thing I missed the most, I missed the old TV shows. Like the other day I had a dream. Shout out MLK. Gone too soon. I had a dream that I was on that show, Pimp My Ride, you know, on MTV. The show where they put 50 grand to the cars worth 50 bucks. And I knew it was a dream because I don't even have a car.

Exhibit pulled up to my house. He was like, Neno, come check out your new ride. He's on, Neno. We know you can't swim. So we put a hot tub in the back of your PT Cruiser. And, Neno, we know you're pre-diabetic. So we hooked up with the sweet candy paint job. And lastly, Neno, we did our research, and you know he just got a DWI.

So we hooked up with a custom gold-plated breathalyzer. Go ahead and blow on it, man. I just hear bubbles in the back. All right. Yeah, Nino. Nino, welcome. All right, thank you. You've been on this show before?

Yes, yes, yes. How many times? Like three times. Three times. How does this one rank against those? This one sucks. This one was horrible. What do you think went wrong, Nino?

Just with the wrong joke. I don't know. You don't know. Yeah, it just wasn't hitting the way I expected it. And it can't be easy to follow someone from the Paleozoic era, you know. It's true. Nina, remind us, what have we talked about before in interview portions of your show that was interesting?

Last time I hooked up with the gil from Flugerville. Yeah. Hooked up with a girl from Flugerville? Yeah, gilf. Grandma liked to fuck. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What's been going on since then?

I was recently incarcerated. Ooh, tell us about that, Nina. I did 12 hours. Oh, my goodness. I could barely handle 60 seconds. I can't even imagine with that jail. So it must have been like. Go ahead.

I got a D-W-I on the 4th of July. Wow, that's a fucking country song if I've ever heard one. Lost my independence on Independence Day. Uh-huh. Shit sucked. So what were you doing out there on the 4th of July?

I was actually partying, you know, lighting on Fireworks, doing what we do on 4th of July. Doing what your people do on the 4th of July. Exactly. Mexicans love the 4th of July. We might not have papers, but we celebrate like we do, baby.

Yeah. Not your guys' holiday, but we let you celebrate it. Thank you. Appreciate that. I love it. So how much did you drink before this DWI? I lost track.

Give us a ballpark. Probably like five beers, seven shots. There we go. The rest is history. Perfect. So take us through what you do remember about the process. You're driving on a freeway or a normal road? Yeah, I was driving on the 35.

I was coming from New Bronfels to San Marcos. And I literally got pulled over. That's a long drive. Am I correct? No, it was like 10 minutes, 10, 12 minutes. I mean, it was like two, three in the morning, so it was like no traffic. Of course. Just a straight shot, little loop.

Right, exactly. And the cops in Hayes County are fucking dicks. Well, I mean, you were drunk as shit. Yeah, but I was driving good, though. I was driving good. Well, how do you know that? Okay, because I was, I was a dumbass, and I was being honest with the officer. I thought he'd let me go.

He was like, he'd been drinking tonight. And I didn't really think it was like Fourth of July because I had forgotten about it. Because I was so fucked up. And I was like, yeah, I had two drinks earlier. And as soon as I said that, he was like, get out of the car. And I get out of the car. He makes me walk the line, which I fucking aced, you know, did it again. Really?

I think everybody that's ever gotten into you, I thought they did good on the test. No, I did. How do you know you did? Have you seen the police footage? No, I haven't seen it, but I know I did. How do you know you did? Because I just know, because you forgot it was the 4th of July. Yeah, well, okay.

That would have been like the big. biggest question on the DUI test? Okay, so after I did that, he was like, I want to do a breathalyzer, and since I refused it, he was like, I'm bucking you in. And I didn't know that that was like a law in Texas or whatever. Everywhere. Yeah, everywhere.

I thought it was just Texas. I don't know. I thought it was cool to drink and drive in Texas, but. So tell us about the 12 hours in jail. What do you remember about that? It was cold as fuck. A bunch of Edgars, T'quatricas, a lot of Y-Ns.

A lot of Y-Ns. A lot of Y-Ns. Young Negroes, you know. Oh, wow. Okay. Just said black people there. That would have been acceptable. Bad.

Luckily, that's not on the DUI test. Do you remember it all getting approached by a guy with long golden hair and real hairy legs? Can't recall. You will. All right, Nina, we're flying through it today. Here's a little joke book, my friend. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. Let's get a regular up here to do a break. new minute, ladies and gentlemen. You guys know this guy very well, formerly the Dark Storm of Atlanta, now the Dark Storm of Austin, here with a brand new set. It's Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, y'all? Dark Storm just turned 36 two days ago. So Dark Storm that you know I've changed as a person. I'm not scared of cops anymore because I call them. I do, I'm not scared of them. But I am still.

I still terrified as state troopers. I don't want to get pulled over by a nigger with a motor combat hat on. Like them, them niggas is way too serious. What if he take the hat and then cut the car in half? Like, but also, like, because, like, we're in Texas, right? The cops in Texas, some of these niggas is generational cops. Like, my daddy was the sheriff,

and my daddy before that was a Texas Ranger. It's kind of hard to lie to a nigger that's been trained to look for lies. And I don't like them. don't like them and it's scary because I'm from Georgia. And Georgia, our state protruers, it's called GSP, and we didn't have the only cop organization named after a Hall of Fame UFC fighter, George St. Pierre.

And just like George St. Pierre, these niggas specialize in takedowns. Right? They special, like, if you want to be a cop, be a cop. But if you fucking love pit maneuvers, nigga, go beat GSP. And if you think I'm lying, go on YouTube. They have hours of compilations of these niggas pit maneuvering cars. They did it to me for a tag light.

They did it to me for a tag light. And then I was like, why did you pit maneuver me? He said, well, I thought you was going to try to get away. I said, nigga, in a 2001 Honda CRV? How the fuck, what do you dig a pedal to the floor is 66 miles an hour? Like, I get in a slow lane because that's my only lane.

But I did. started like having a better relationship with cops because me and my nephew been watching Paw Patrol. So like even if a drug dog pop up, I'm like, I can't wait to meet them. Like what if they bring chase? Like, you know what I'm saying? That's my favorite bar patrol. I love y'all.

Thank y'all so much. Tedrick. You know, I completely agree with you. Where we come from the state troopers of Ohio, the Ohio State Highway Patrol is there. are known, are extremely famously ruthless and very extremely unforgiving. And even here in the state of Texas, I've learned the troopers here do not fuck around. In fact, I can tell you, the only time, little fun fact, the only time I've been pulled over here in the great state of Texas was by Texas State Highway Patrolman.

and yeah, he was going to give me a ticket for, well, I'll just say it, I maybe was driving in the bus lane, ladies and John. That's the safest lane. Yeah, A, it's the safest lane. B, there's no fucking reason why someone that drives with complete common sense in a very fast car can get over there, blow by the unbelievably annoying Texas drivers that love going just underneath the speed limit. Even if it's a three-lane, four-lane, five-lane, six-fucking lane, freeway, highway, street, whatever it may be,

everyone likes to get right next to each other and go the exact same speed. Now, it's a thing that only happens in Texas, by the way. I can hear there's not a big response here from this mostly Texas crowd, and the people visiting probably don't drive enough around here to notice this. But everywhere else in, I believe the world, but definitely this country, there's a lot. there's a lane to go faster than the people next to you. Now, only here in Texas, this is a fun fact for everybody listening, that maybe you've never been to Texas, maybe you've never driven in Texas,

only in Texas is it a thing where, in fact, the left lane is oftentimes going slower than no matter how many lanes are next to it. Now, this was a Guadalupe, which, again, for those of you that don't know, is about a three or four at times, a one-way street here downtown. Austin and I was zooming from campus to get back down downtown and I got in the bus lane

and zoomed by everybody made it clear, made a fucking left on Fifth Street heading back fucking you know eastbound on fifth street and then guess what I see you'll never believe little lights

no no siren no sire it was just light and I see it behind me and it is indeed the black SUV of the Texas State Highway Patrol. Ever been pulled over on the highway? Yeah. Because the State Patrol,

them niggas don't even be in their car. They being like on the top of a tree with a scanner. And then when you drive that nigga, jump out the tree in his body and the car form around that nigger like a power range. Dedrick, you're the fucking man. Thank you for getting us.

Make some much for your next bucket bowl. You guys are having fun out there. This is kind of a question. crazy episode. This one is off the rails. $100 bills flying. Makes me a few next bucket pool. It's Aaron Spaller, everybody. Here comes Aaron Spaller. How are we doing? I'm from a small town in Michigan. I'm not used to this big city life at all. I got hit on by a gay guy for the first time. I was just standing at the bar and he just threw

his arm around me and goes, hey man, I bet that ass is smooth. I really didn't like how he knew. Never in my life did I wish I had a hairy ass until that exact moment. And he could tell I was uncomfortable, so he offered to buy me drinks. But that wasn't the issue. See, he didn't ask me my pronouns, which are alcoholic. The only thing that got drained that night was his wallet. Israel? Israel?

Would be way cooler if it's not real. I'm Aaron Spaller. Aaron Spaller Having a good old time Jeremiah Watkins Tony how many sets is the hairy-legged woman gonna do?

Amazing No one believes that that ass is smooth little lady I'm kidding It happened earlier in the episode Don't worry about it Welcome Aaron Spaller

Is this your first time on the show? No Oh Wow Look at you That's how you laugh Huh? Like a gay haunted house

What happened What happened last time you were on this show Aaron? I probably ate shit. I know I ate shit. But you did better this time? A little bit.

A little bit better. Hell yeah. Where else do you perform? You live here in Austin? Yeah. You get up a lot of places? Yeah, my buddy runs four shows a week and I help him with them. And then I actually just started doing a lot more open mics and doing less of that.

All right. Usually at least six nights a week. What do you do for work? I am at barback across the street. Okay. The piano bar? No, Maggie Mays. Oh, nice. How long you've been doing that?

Two days. Wow. That is literally a sound effect that's been on the inoperable soundboard for years called Evil Laugh. There's that clown laugh. Which one is that? Wow, both of them qualify is your laugh. So what were you doing before two days ago? What were you doing for a living before that?

I was their door guy. was their door guy, like security. Okay. All right. And you got moved up to barback. So now you're getting a little split of the tip. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. That's a big, big difference. Am I correct? Almost triple, yeah.

Yes. How long were you working security there? On and off for the last two years, and then when it was like full time. So here's the big question, Aaron Spiller. What are you planning on doing with all that extra money that you're getting now? You're making triple what you were making just a week ago.

Tell us a little. I don't think that far ahead. I'm fucking... You know what? I believe you. I believe you. Okay. Aaron, what do you do for like hobbies and stuff?

Hobbies? Right now, golfing, hunting, shooting. I can't do cars anymore. Why can't you do cars anymore? Because I've totaled 11 of them. You've totaled 11 cars? Yeah. Okay.

How have you accomplished? How have you accomplished? something like this. I like to go fast. I like to go fast too. We were just talking about that. I've never caused one accident in my life. How have you totaled 11 cars?

Going too fast. I'm sure we've gone faster than you. Without a doubt. How fast are we talking there, Aaron Spiller? My fat, spaller. My fast is 156. 156? What kind of car was that?

It was a Ford Focus. Okay. Okay. Were you falling off a cliff, perhaps? Yeah, dude. You got up to 156. Do you think maybe your speedometer

was broken or something? No, I had a bell engine. It was one of the STs, a little turbo. Okay. Yeah. All right, so it was a little juiced up. Oh, yeah. Okay, a little fast and the furious.

When you hit over, like, you said you're going 165 and a Ford Focus? 56. 156. When you get up over 150, does it become a Ford out of focus? Yeah, shit was blurry.

Do you ever just break into people's homes, stand in the shadows and giggle? I'm pitching you with a Glenn Closewig on and a boiling rabbit in the middle of the night. Okay. Aaron, name the other, what other types of cars have you crashed? Hmm. There was another Ford Focus that wasn't fast.

That one died. Two trucks. You crashed all. Three trucks. You said you totaled 11 cars. Yeah. So how do you survive these very fast crashes? How fuck if I know.

Isn't that... I'll tell you how. He grabbed the steering wheel and goes... He said, just let his act. actual laugh happen. We get that thing at that point. I know, but just let it happen. Did you ever work at Chucky Cheese?

Maybe next. Maybe that's my next gig. Okay, I'll be sure not to book a party there. Aaron, before I let you go, other than totaling a bunch of cars, what do you think is the most interesting thing about you? It could be anything. Something we haven't talked about before on this show. Hmm. I hate that question.

I don't fucking know, man. It's really anything. You could say anything right now. Anything? Have you shot something cool with all of your hunting expertise as of recent? No, dude, I haven't gone in a couple years. Yeah, ever since I moved here, I don't get to do that shit anymore. Ever since you moved where?

Here, Austin. To Texas? Yeah. You stopped shooting when you moved to Texas? Well, no, I go to the range, but hunting here is expensive as fuck. Okay. That doesn't fit in the bar bag pay scale. Okay.

All right. Nothing else? What's the craziest thing you've seen on 6th Street with all of your security and barback experience? A dead homeless guy. Whoa. Was he really dead? They play possum every once in a while.

They'll jump up, they'll get you. No. I poked him. He didn't move. Is that how you know he was dead? Yeah, I think that's the universal trick. You gave him an actual poke? What was that? a stick?

Yeah. I think he poked him just to see if he'd giggle like the Pillsbury dough boy. Yeah, can you do the Pillsbury doughboy giggle?

I'll do the voice and then you do the giggle, ready? Nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned cinnamon roll. No, no, no. All right.

Here's a little joke book, Aaron. It's okay. And you didn't catch it. That's the worst part. Aaron Spaller, ladies and gentlemen, rough night for the bucket pools

tonight. Rough night, Mario Tanti, holding it down for all of the bucket bowls. Bob Biggerstaff was good, too. That was fun. Bob Biggerstaff, what a name. A lot of alliteration tonight. We had Bob Bigger's staff. We had, what was it, Ronnie Roarbeck.

And now we have, but make some noise for Jeremy Jonas, everybody. A lot of, it's a very illiterative episode of Kill Tony. I have kids. I like them. Sometimes they ask me if I have favorites. I just give them the rankings, one, two, three. I feel like the feedback's important. But I know I have favorites because I took them tubing.

We're going down the river. I had all three kids stuffed in one tube. And then the water started getting real rough. We hit something. They went flying three different directions, and I had to make choices. So my kids saw the rankings in real time. because I went one, two, three.

I swam past a kid to get the one I really wanted. Literally like swimming, locking eyes with my son, like, you got to do better, bro. It's good to be here. I feel like it's healthy to do things without your spouse. The other night, though, this lady saw my ring, said, maybe you should go home to your wife.

I said, maybe you should finish the last. lap dance. Gen Z. Scrippers. No work ethic. Hell yeah. Jeremy Jonas, right on cue. We needed a good bucket pool. You're a funny guy. Thank you, sir. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up?

Five years. Where at? Mostly here. I started in San Antonio. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. Out of all the bucket pools I've had tonight, you're the last one I would guess is from San Antonio. Yeah. Amazing. What do you do for a living? I am an anesthesiologist Whoa, such an interesting job

I do believe that you are the first anesthesiologist we've ever had in Kill Tony History Can you draw Mickey Mouse? That's not what an anesthesiologist is I thought most of the bucket pulls were anesthesiologist because they were putting us to sleep

but sometimes they kill that's right it's a very it's a job with a ton of responsibility. A lot of people might not know that, you know, they say that if a patient dies, it's never the surgeon, that it's the anesthesiologist's

fault. Is this a thing, you've obviously heard that, right? Yeah. But you guys are defensive of that because the surgeon can fucking, they got everything there. There's all the veins and scalples and shit, so it could be their fault, too. You guys don't kind of have an odd relationship, right? A little bit, yeah. It can be

contentious. Yeah. And you're still a full-time anesthesiologist? No. No. You're out of the game. You killed somebody accidentally. It's complicated. Yeah. It's a really weird, tough job, right? Yeah.

What can you tell us about that? Because we, these people, these people, I mean, we barely, you know, go ahead. Well, I take my job seriously and I feel like I'm legally required to say that. You know, it's, I took a year off. So it was really weird for me because when I came back, there's like no requirement for me to tell my patient that I've been telling dick jokes in a basement for a year. Right. So that's a little uncomfortable.

Yeah. It's got to be wild out there. Now, for someone my size, it's a low dosage, but someone red band size, what would you have to do? What do you do, though, than a tranquil... Well, typically, if we know somebody that size is coming, we go to Costco. Yeah.

And we buy the drugs wholesale. That's right. Absolutely no doubt about it. He's got a buy-in-bulk. For you to be able to put you down for even just 30 to 45 minutes would be... So nitrous doesn't work on me anymore because I smoke cigarettes and smoke so much weed. But has anyone ever beat, like, where you, like, count down backwards and then they get to one and they actually beat it? Not for me, but I, you know, I really...

You go for it. I'm pretty heavy-handed. Yeah. That's amazing. Are you normally there when they wake up as well, or do you kind of just put them out and leave them with a surgeon? No, I mean, I'm there with them. They wake up, I'm with them all the way to the recovery room.

Jeremiah Watkins. Have you ever witnessed somebody after you put them to sleep and they wake back up with a different accent? Let me just ask you this, which was my follow-up question. What's the weirdest thing that you have seen? Because people wake up from those things. Absolutely fucking wonky as shit. I mean, usually not that exciting.

people trying to fight you, you know, that sometimes people, usually, you know, redheads, Irish people. Yeah. Yeah, they come out swinging. Yeah. Yeah, sweet. Yes, red band. Thank you.

Interesting. But nothing in particular. Anybody ever like, well, so the thing is, is I had like a weird career. Like I did pain management for like 10 years, which was terrible. And so I, like, tough in big medicine. because everything was addictive, and they told you that it wasn't even though it was, right? Well, I didn't do, like, get hardcore narcotics,

but I was doing injections every, you know, like spinal injections. And it was really, yeah, it was like, because people would come back and be like, yeah, my back still hurts. And I have to explain, well, yeah, you're still really fat. Right. Red band. Yeah, exactly. That's you again.

That's talking about you. Wow. Jeremy, how long you been married for? About 19 years. Wow. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? He puts her to sleep Yeah

You know what I have some of this money buddy That's a good one Any tricks that you could You just gotta continue To like the person How do you do that?

Can you teach us how to do that? We go on dates Nice We went on a date today What'd you do today? We went to Kind of a not great part of town And ate

That's where a lot of the best stuff is It is Yeah It's a Chinatown. There's like a shopping complex and we went and ate like Vietnamese food. Fucking awesome. I love it. I had Vietnamese yesterday. Best, best foe in the city. It's called Sipfoe or Fah, if you pronounce it correctly. But Sip up near campus, fucking trust me. It's absolutely nuts. Can I ask it like a medical question, my guy? You don't mind? I love a good medical

question from Harlan Williams. It's time to get serious. When you put these people under, they go into a deep sleep. Like is it a REM sleep? The deepest state? of sleep when you knock them out? No, we're scrambling the eggs. We're going deep. Yeah. So my question is, because a lot of people, when they're in deep sleep,

they talk in their sleep. Do you ever get people, when you put them out, they start talking in their sleep? Well, there's a breathing tube in a lot of time, so it would be hard. So it sounds like, like, blah, blah, blah,

like, yeah. It's a didgerid dude that they put down their throat. Okay. It just sounds like Stevo. Hey, I'm so tired right now. Like, sleeping like, so bad. Oh, like,

My throne. I'm sleeping. Oh, God. You have kids, Jeremy? I do. I have three kids. Three kids? What's the age range there? 16, 14, and 11. Oh, wow. How's that going for you? Anything crazy? Dude, they're fun. I mean, like the favorite story. I mean, that happened and we're tubing and they just fell out and I was like, sorry, I got to get this guy first.

That's amazing. Any of them autistic? No. Amazing. We have almost everybody with a kid today as autistic kids. Fully vaccinated everything right from the getter, were you a little? Yeah, I mean, they didn't get the COVID vaccine, but everything else. Smart, smart.

There's people back there that understand that. What made you not give them the COVID vaccine? You were kind of curious about it, came out kind of fast. I mean, I wouldn't have gotten it, but I felt like if I didn't, I would be, like, forced not to work. They basically told you that, right?

I mean, even at the comedy store, you had to get a fake card from your Mexican friend, uh, George. I love it. Jeremy, anything else crazy about your life we should know about you? You seem like such an interesting guy. We've been craving for a bucket pool that actually has a shit together

and prepared for this today. So we're a little bit starstruck to meet you, believe it or not. Any other fun facts? Do you have any wacky hobbies or anything? I go to Ukraine for like medical mission stuff. Whoa. That's wild.

Yeah. Amazing. They probably need you over there, right? Yeah, I mean, I'm just doing primary care stuff, but yeah, I go with a group called Global Care Force. They send primary care doctors over there, so we go to, like, remote areas. And you live here in Austin?

I live in Austin, yeah. That's awesome, man. Keep signing up for the show. You're fucking awesome, Jeremy. We'd love to see another set from you. Here's a big joke book. Jeremy Jonas, everybody. Jeremiah is going pee-pee.

There goes Jeremy Jonas. everybody. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we're keeping it moving along here. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michaela Jay, everybody. Michaela Jay. I've been getting my mushrooms from a guy I met at the gas station. The way I know it's going to be a quick trip. Good, good. Good. I didn't know what jokes I wanted to do tonight. I was going to do my suicide jokes, but people don't really like suicide jokes. I don't know why. They kill me.

All right, good. I have a lot of personal experiences with suicide. The man that I dated before my ex-husband did kill himself. And then my ex-husband, when I confronted him that he was cheating, he tried to kill himself and he failed. But guys, I think the next one might try and stay. Be really cool if he did. It's hard to talk about my ex-husband and, like, you know,

the suicide attempt, the cheating, the divorce. because it's embarrassing, you know, because he's ugly. I'm making it work, though, you know. I'm out here, I'm dating again. I'm a modern 90s kind of gal. I got a roster. Keep one guy on there for rough stuff. I call that my designated hitter.

Thank you guys so much. I'm Michaela Jay. Welcome, welcome, welcome. You really caught your ex-husband cheating? Yes. How long were you with him for? We were together for 10 years, married for six. Okay. How did you catch him cheating?

I had been trying to catch him for a long time. And then finally, a girl added me on Facebook and sent me screenshots. He was on his Sugar Daddy website. Wow. Yeah. And what made her do that? Honestly, I think this woman's like a vigilante. She was like shaking him down for money.

And he gave her the money, and she still found me and told me. Wow. What a bitch. Wow. Amazing. What made you suspect him of cheating for so long? There was like a bunch of weird red flags. Like what?

Give us something. So that we make sure we never do them. Am I right? So that everyone was informed about it not to be him. He, I don't know. It was a bunch of little weird shady shit. It was like another girl's Instagram posts. And I've never been like, I was never crazy before that.

Oh, well, oh, wow. Oh, gosh. Liking other girls' Instagram posts, huh? Oh, that's wild. See me on Reddit. On Reddit. Hilarious. What do you do for work, McKin?

He did cheat on me with someone from Reddit, too, actually. I forgot about that part. Look at that. I'm so sorry. I have a couple different part-time jobs. Okay, you're a fortune teller, and you do nails? That's my guess. I wish, dude, if I did nails.

You're right. Okay. What do you do? I do social media messaging for my friends, voice acting business, and then I'm also a game show host at the domain. Oh, a game show host. It's that fun game show thing? Oh, that's cool.

There's a couple comics that have been on here that do the same thing. Nice, that's fun. Yeah. How about, like, hobbies? What do you do for fun, Michaela, Jay? You seem like the kind of lady that likes to get out there

and read somebody's palm or something like that. Tarot cards. I don't know, Palm Street. Do you really? A little bit. I'm learning. There you go. It's shocking.

That basically means that I was right. Yeah. Go ahead. So you're the Fortune. What else do you? you do for fun? I am kind of boring. I hang out with my dog. I sew a little bit.

I watch Antiques Road Show. Wow. I watch old Harlan Williams' stand-up specials. I love you so much. I'm so happy to see you. Thank you. I was thinking of killing myself later. Could you help? Yeah, yeah. Saving lives. I just need a little push. I see you have tattoos. You got some wacky. What's that one on your shoulder there?

Oh, that's a little blue heart. Oh, wow. You're going to get the blue diamond, the yellow moon, and the green clover? Heart stars and rainbows, yes. What's that? Heart stars and rainbows, yes. Harshashah, ragas. What did you say?

I'm a hillbilly. I'm trying really hard with my diction. Heart, stars, and rainbows. Heart stars and rainbows. And you have one on your ankle. What's that one? This one says Deus X Machina. What is it?

Deus X Machina. It means God from a machine or the machine of God. Oh, okay. All right. That's enough of a tattoo time with Harlan Williams, I do believe. Michaela, the guy that's fucking you now, any chance he's black? Thank you for asking. No, I'm not getting fucked right now.

Oh, I thought in your material, you said that there's a current guy doing that. Oh, I did say, yeah, I did have a guy on my roster for rough stuff when I wrote that. Was he black? He wasn't, actually. He was not? No, shocking. Amazing. It was my first Asian of my entire life.

Whoa, an Asian climbed on that mountain, Mount Michaela? That didn't work out. Oh my goodness. What happened with the Asian guy? I don't know, fizzled out. Wow, he didn't love you for a long time. He did not. No.

Wow, where'd you meet this Asian guy at? A bar. Yeah, just karaoke. Okay. Sushi bar or? No. All right. Are Asian guys good lovers?

Like, who's better? Like, what's the best lover? Were the Asians any good? I mean... What was the Asian? It feels like a trap to say no, right? Like, I'm a... Well, maybe a trap in Vietnam, but we're just talking.

No, we're just just talk about it. I mean, we don't know. We have no idea. You know, me and Tony have never made love to an Asian. Yeah. Have we? I mean... Have we? Not an Asian man.

Not an Asian. How do they rate compared to the other... I mean, he had a good spirit. Ah. Wow, that means he ate pussy, everybody. All right. Michaela, you have been with a black man before, though, correct? Yes, of course.

Okay. And they tend to rule the roost in the bedroom. Am I correct? Statistically, more white guys for me. Whoa. Yeah, I like big, tall, fat guys. It's weird. Oh, okay.

Yeah. You were just a few inches away. Oh, red band. Just a few inches. I love that he makes his voice different for being a short guy. Hey, when you do it, leave me alone, me. All right. When he's short, he's got a different voice, everyone.

When two larger people make love, does it sound like raw hamburger patty's falling off a counter? Yeah. I thought so. Thank you. Next. Michaela, any other fun facts about you before I let you out of here? I don't think so. I run a Tuesday night stand-up show in North Austin

at a bar called Nomad. It's called Scratch Off Comedy. All right. Okay, dokey. Well, ladies and gentlemen, there she goes. Michaela J. everybody, here's a medium joke book for you, Michaela. There you go. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Brian Says. Everybody, here comes Brian Says. Brian Says. All right, yeah, I just got married. My wife turned 35 last week. Yep, looks like we're going to have to put her down. You know, just because if you do the math in woman years, that's like 35. It's crazy, dude.

I don't know. I don't think women are dogs, but I do think women have dog-like tendencies, you know? Like, she'll have her food and I'll have my food, and then she'll start gunning for my food. What happens when you make them upset, huh? You got to take them on a walk. You know? I'm black. I can't talk to my lady like a black guy. I gotta talk to her like she's a dog, you know?

As soon as she wakes up in the morning, Hey girl, hey! How are you? Oh my gosh, that's a good stretch. Yeah, good girl. Whoa, you know? Have you had your water today? Do you want a treat?

Do you wanna fucking throw a Xanax in her mouth? You know? It's crazy. I don't know. As soon as the keys get going. Hey, where are we going? Where are we going? I manage to teach her sit and stay.

I can't make her come. Can't teach an old dog. Unbelievable set by Brian says. Fantastic. Absolutely hilarious, Brian. Welcome back on this show. Are you really married? Sure.

It works. It works. Do you even have a girlfriend right now? I'm fucking Michaela. She thinks you're Asian. Been nice knowing you. Tell us more about you, Brian, says. What's been going on in life?

Gosh, you know, doing traveling, you know, hooking up, fucking traveling. Where you've been traveling to? I've been all over the country. I went to Houston. Wow. I think you went to Ross Dress for Less. Where did you get that mini?

skirt. All right. Same place you got that shirt, digger? You like that? Not really, but... Why do you have your pants tucked into your... Are you going to tobogging later?

What's going on? What's that all about? I haven't seen that look since Gulliver's Travels. All right. Appreciate you, Parlo. I like it.

I like it. It's hip. It's cool. Really? Yeah. And the combing the hair and the little Dairy Queen flip at the top. All right. There's a little shades of some soft serve I like.

You got, all right, you got the science group. Yeah, what do you think? You want to run your fingers through it or? Maybe, all right. All right, we're getting off the beaten path. You are correct, Brian. I completely agree with you. What's been going on in life?

Like, what's your situation right now in any form or matter? other than traveling to Houston as your entire identity this week. Which, by the way, we know. You're wearing a Fila jacket. We know you were just in Houston. That's what they... That's what everyone leaves with.

Yeah, no. It's good. I mean, my life's been interesting. You know, I've been watching the news. What are you seeing on the news, Brian? Just a lot of stuff in Houston. Okay dokey. Should I go back to the wardrobe stuff?

No, no, no, don't do it. I'm still digging over here. So do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Are you into anything other than going to Houston? Just kind of driving to Houston. No, hobbies. Gosh, I play chess. Fuck you.

I'm going back to the wardrobe stuff. Here we go. There must be something. Brian, anything at all? I mean, I'm trying to fuck bitches, dude. I do stand up and I'm looking for hosed. Well, tell us about that. How's that going?

What have you learned about hosed recently? Since we just found out that you're not married to a 35-year-old. The truth is coming out. I'm sorry. The guy tried to tell us earlier that his wife had breast cancer. Except that was real. Oh, okay. You're not married, is what we're finding out.

No, I'm good with the ladies, though. I used to work out of battered women's shelter. Oh. Yeah, it was during COVID. Oh. I worked from home. And there it is. Yeah.

Hell yeah. It's rowdy women out there. No, I'm on the apps. The apps are interesting, you know. You on the apps, Tony? Definitely not on the apps. Okay, maybe just me. But yeah, I'm on there.

You know, it's tough because a lot of women are, Michaela-sized. And I'm not really... I'm just not into... Okay. I'm black, but I'm not into fat bitches. And I know if... Why do you think that is?

Um... Did you notice this happened after you dyed your hair blonde? I'm trying to get as far away from the black thing as I can, Tony. And, uh... It's not working out. Madness. All right. All right.

All right. Dude, I just got to ask, have you got, when you were a baby, did your ears ever grow? That's a good point. You do have tiny ears. Harland has noticed that you have tiny ears. I agree. Those are tiny ears. I'm surprised you can even hear what we're saying. They're like little Teddy Ruckspin ears over here. All right, Hartling, niggie, what's up with you? Like, you look like, you're acting like you're the ideal man, niggie. I don't know about that. Yeah, I act like it because I am. I'm not going to lie, you're pretty cool, Harlan.

No, you can rip me, rip me, go for it. I deserve it. The year thing wasn't an insult. I think they're cute, but take a shot, guy. All right. Have at it. Harlan, you look like the chicken from acne and coyote. There we go.

Okay. I don't want to roast you. I actually respect it. Well, I'm a chicken. Why won't you? Again, Harland, I'm trying to get away from the stereotypes. No, no, I mean, you said you don't want to roast me, but then you said it was a chicken, so I said roasted chicken. There was no racial stereotype. It was a food joke.

I prefer my chicken fried, Arland. Racist. Brian, I'm going to get you out of here. Brian, I'd love to have you on the singer show Thursday. Fantastic set. Fantastic set, Brian. The interview sometimes. I still don't think people know that when I ask them anything interesting about you, they could possibly do.

Jokes. Did you ever, did you ever notice that? And they go, no. A little, like, stuck in neutral. Yeah, it was an unbelievable set. The set was good. And then I'm just trying to set them up.

And he's just going, no. Are you sad inside? Just fucking hose. Huh? That's what he said. Oh, you're asking me? No, I'm asking you. Are you sad?

I get a weird energy. I'm looking in your eyes. Well, you're really squared up right now. Well, you seem a little sad, and I want to... I mean, you are at a 90-degree angle right now. I want to come from my friend in his time of me. You are just a northbound star right now. Look at you.

You want to go to Arby's later? I have some in the back right now. I have a little beef and cheddar. A bag of beef and cheddar is waiting for us. If Michaela didn't already find it, it's all ours. Dude. This was a bit, but I think I'm falling in love. Well, that's what happens.

Wow. Your eyes up close. People don't know. Your eyes are penetrating. Frank Sinatra's dead. I think I'm going to call you the new blue eyes. People don't know about my blue eyes. It's why I have the camera people farther away every week,

slightly farther away, because I don't want to intimidate everybody with my life. They're enchanting my guy. They are really enchanting. That's what I've been told. I've been told I have very enchanting eyes. Yeah. All right. Beautiful.

Back to the show. Ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting because this looks like a wacky name, if I've ever seen one before. Make some noise for AI Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa. Whoa. AI Harlan was a Kiltzoni debut of AI Harlan. How you doing, my guy?

Figured I would do a couple David Lucas roast jokes if that's okay with everybody. David Lucas is so fat and black, the only thing he tips is a scale. David Lucas has dreads. You know what else has dread? His zippers and buttons. How the fuck are they supposed to stay on that fat piece of shit? David Lucas is the only person who thinks he's going to get groceries after he eats the booty. That's a thinker and a stinker.

David Lucas is so fat when liberals see him, they tell him Black Lives Matter twice. David Lucas is actually Catholic. He celebrates Ash Wednesday, Ash Thursday, Ash Friday, this Ash Friday, next Ash Friday after next. This guy's fucking ashy. If David Lucas dies and gets cremated, it'll be less ashy than he is today. David Lucas has made George Floyd jokes, but in his defense, he was hungry and thought he was doing George Foreman jokes. David Lucas puts the sphere in Rogan's sphere. Fat, fish.

David Lucas is known as a conservative comedian. He's a member of MAGA, the NRA, the P-I-G, the Needsmore O2, the OPP, the K-F-C-E-I, the O-R-E-O, and the F-A-T-F-U-C-K. David Lucas just had an ankle monitor installed. It's just a mirror attached to his hand so he can see his ankles again. David Lucas answers the question, what if black people didn't like Drusky? David Lucas is the only guy who's after he's been prank called Cot, his referring. David Lucas fell recently because he's so fat when asked if he needed first aid. He said, no, I need Kool-Aid.

David Lucas hopes to someday see the seven wonders of the world. He calls the Seven Wonders of the World, his toes, his dick, his balls, a good credit score, his father, a thigh gap in the age of 50. Page two, you almost. Can I pay you to stop? Yes, me. Not many people know that David Lucas is part of the best. is part of the BDSM community,

Black Diabetics supporting MAGA. David Lucas is so fat if he was a slave, he'd be cool whipped. David Lucas always talks about how many bitches he gets, but every time I see him with a girl, I think it's his stunt double. Stunt double double with fries? Easy, girl. David Lucas was recently in a movie and he's already been cast in new remakes of other classic action films.

Breathe hard. Men in black, big and tall. Predator eats alien. 40 years a slave to cake. Food fellas. Fat man. The Dark Night. 300 pounds.

And finally, eating everything everywhere all at once. Thank you so much. Wow. AI Harlan Williams. Absolutely incredible. I was good. I was good. Why don't you join panel for the rest of the show?

Okay, I would love that. There's not much left, but we're going to get through it together. How about one more time for AI Harlan Williams? Oh, I was good. The second comedian, him and Pauly Shore, both brought pages of jokes. I could not believe that there was a second page there, and there was AI Harlan Williams. And there's still more. There's more?

Oh, yeah. David Lucas. Oh, yeah. Everyone knows David Lucas uses the N-word a lot. Need another? Nah, this isn't for the table. need a bigger size no I'm not paying the child support

oh David Lucas is a real Uncle Tone you know I could see why you didn't do these ones up there I think so that we'll put that on the DVD how about that but that is a great Harlan

impression Harlan what do you I was joking earlier about killing myself I think we might do it later you ready to jump off of a left We brought knowing our luck we'd land on David Lucas

and bounce right back up. Let's do one more bucket pool. How do you guys feel about that? One last bucket? This is a long episode. If you're wondering, if it feels long, it's because it's a long one. We're getting through it. Your final bucket pool of the night,

ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lisa Mendoza or perhaps Lissa Mendoza. This is my impression of an ex-cop dyslexic sandwich maker. I make a mean BLM. My favorite thing that came out of the internet was that SpongeBob Gangster meme

where he has a mafia suit and a grill and some rings. I feel like a really good character that would be a good gangster would be Tigger because he like comes out of the 100-acre hood. He's like friends with like a single mom with a kid. And then he's just like, I'm the realist and I double gut er. When I moved here from South America, I took one year of American High School

and during that year the video game, Ghost Recon Wildlife came out so it's about cocaine in Bolivia and the students like the boys knew about the game and they would ask me if I brought some and I'd be like sorry guys I had to cut a hole in it just so I can make my way back home. I lost Hansel to the cartel. Thank you

Okay, Lisa Mendoza You know, I never thought I'd ask this But Harlan AI Can we hear some more David Lucas jokes Coming right up Lisa, welcome Grab that microphone real quick I'm gonna make this quick

How long you've been doing Is this your first time ever doing stand-up comedy? No, I've done it for a little bit How long have you been doing it for? I think starting last year Oh, okay, like a year Yeah, I guess About a year

Yeah, I mean, took a break and then came back. Okay. Yeah. Was the break recent? Yeah. Like, I came back to it. Just revised some jokes. How old are you?

30. 30. What made you start stand up now? Just bored. Okay. So are we. Lisa, what do you do for work? I have a lot of jobs.

But the most recent one is catering and bar-telling. for... Calm down. David Lucas is going to start running over here, so... Yeah, he loves catering. David Lucas loves catering. Lisa, what do you think is the most interesting fun fact about your life? You're 30 years old. What can you tell us that you think makes you different than everybody, perhaps anybody

that's ever been pulled out of the bucket? Anything? You ever have like a near-death experience? You ever save somebody's life? You ever win the lottery? Ever anything crazy? You ever total 11 cars, perhaps? Anything...

Totally love it. Just moving from one country to another and just adapting really quick. What was the country? Bolivia. Wow. What are Bolivians known for? I need to know for my future racist jokes. Just recently it's a cat that they discovered that looks like a leopard.

It's a tiny little cat. That's on the news right now. Wow. Okay. And then the Tesla thing where they're mining for lithium. Oh, there's a lot of lithium there. Yeah. So that's like known.

Like, oh, yeah, Tesla has been like mining from there. All right. Yeah. Putting the kids to work. Okay, Lisa. There you go. There's a little something in there. But for now, you're going with a little joke book, Lisa Mendoza.

Thank you so much. All shapes and sizes of bucket pools here tonight. The Kiltony debut of Lisa Mendoza. The great AI, Harlan Williams. We've seen a lot of different things. And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's an absolute freak of nature. every single week he boggles our mind.

Even now, an episode like this where it seems like we have all together just come to learn that the... Oh, AI Harlan Williams has a little celery stock there. That really is AI Harlan Williams. The man I'm about to bring on this stage perhaps could be considered one of the most powerful regulars in the show's history.

He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week and he never ceases to amaze us. I present to you the anomaly, ladies and gentlemen. This is the real deal. Pat O'Neill, everybody. The Netflix logo would work a lot better for BET, okay? Fucking dead crowd. That's a great joke, God damn it.

Hey, no, racism is wrong. And so's gassing up fat chicks. So, let's find some middle ground blacks. Enough's enough already. Come on. We'll stop when you. you do. Seriously, I want to fuck Lizzo if my cock were a gun and her pussy were Hitler. And you know, Hitler, he had a micro penis, they say. And I would too if you killed a bunch of Irish people and I controlled the media. Okay, that is enough for me. Thank you.

The great Pat O'Neill. And you are correct. Your detectors are up. This crowd has gone through a lot. This is one of the longest episodes in a very long time that we've done. I was trying to buying some wild bucket pools. I was stalling for AI Harlan Williams to get ready. There was a lot going on here. Pat, how we feeling? I don't know. I fucking lost my voice on Friday, headlining my first weekend,

so I'm glad I braved through that sickness for you ungrateful Fox. That's right. That is correct. I haven't talked in two days. That Netflix joke has been killing. Yes. It's absolutely hilarious. I laughed.

I laughed harder than I. I have. That was fantastic. Pat, you are the absolute man. Both Harlan Williams, you guys got to see the great Pat O'Neill. He does this every week. He's fantastic.

That was terrible. Don't say it was good. Harlan's the best guest in the history of the show. God damn it. Yes, absolutely. That one better in front of him. Oh, thank you. No, you are correct, Pat O'Neill on everything.

You are the fucking man. and we absolutely love you. Thank you. Seriously, he was under the weather and did Brave coming out for you people, and we appreciate the hell out of that part of that. Thank you, folks. We love you so much.

The great and powerful Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen, did it again. And that's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Just a little heads up. We are, how about one more time for the great Harland Williams, the Harlan Highway, the Art Avengers,

coming out now, and the great Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen, his new special Crazy Pizza out on YouTube, stand up on the spot monthly at the Comedy Store. There's a true kill Tony happening in Houston, the 17th of October. And we're doing Las Vegas, November 13th and 14th, at the MGM, the Dolby Theater at MGM. And of course, still tickets available for the Moody Center,

New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. I implore you that you're able to get tickets for that show, and it is going to be absolutely action-packed. New Year's Eve for the fourth year in a row in an arena in our hometown of Austin, Texas, exactly where we want to be on New Year's Eve.

Guys, thank you so much for doing this show. We absolutely love you guys. Guest of the year, Harlan Williams. Guest of the year, Harlan Williams. Former band leader, Jeremiah Watkins. Red band. Check out the sunset strip ATX.com.

Secret show every Thursday. Love you guys. We love you guys. Pre-orders are up for Heidi's farts in a jar. From what I understand, they are selling wildly at killmerch.com. We may have hid one red band fart in a jar. So check all that out at killmerch.com. Audience, we love you guys. Thank you.

Good night, everybody.