KILL TONY - KILL TONY #1

Episode Date: June 14, 2013

Rick Ingraham, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/03/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the pilot episode of Hinchcliffe Notes here at DeathSquad.tv. Come check us out live at the Comedy Store every Monday. Death Squad takes over, and it starts at 8 p.m. with Hinchcliffe Notes and followed by Ding Dong Show. Both shows are 100% free. Just go to the Comedy Store or go online to thecomedystore.com and reserve your free tickets. the Comedy Store or go online to thecomedystore.com and reserve your free tickets. Also, if you want to see me and Tony do stand-up comedy and you live in Toronto, Canada, July 11th through the July 13th, we got some shows there at the Underground Comedy Club. Tickets are going fast.

Saturday's already sold out. There might be adding more shows, but there's only a few tickets left to the current shows that are out there. So go to DeathSquad.tv to get your tickets. And also, don't forget Comic-Con 2013. Death Squad will have a midnight show Friday and Saturday July 19th and 20th.

Tickets are also available at AmericanComedyCo.com or just go to DeathSquad.tv Also don't forget to please subscribe to us on iTunes and Stitcher. Just search for Death Squad. Hit subscribe. And now here's a brand new episode of the pilot episode

of Hinchcliffe Notes. this shit up in the studio. All I want for my birthday is a big booty house. All I want for my birthday is a big booty house. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store. How are you guys doing today? Fuck yeah.

We got a brand new podcast here, guys. First episode. Pilot episode. Let's bring the guy, the man, up if he's here. Guys, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. What's up, guys? How's it going? Thank you guys

for all coming out. I want to just tell everyone, thank you for having us here at the Comedy Store. Guys, give it up for Tony and Swift. I thought you were going to explain. You said you... All right. Hi, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late. We were going to talk about it. Me and you were talking about it. Oh, okay. We were going to explain. You said you. All right. Hi, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late. We're going to talk about it. Me and you were talking. We were talking about. This thing's already a hit. Yeah, that's right. That's hilarious. But Tony has been on many episodes of Death Squad.

If you've listened to the Ice House Chronicles, he's been on the Joe Rogan podcast. And he's been asking for a podcast for a long time. And people have been asking Brian to give me a podcast for a long time. And people have been asking Brian to give me a podcast for a long time. Let's not forget that. Yeah, that's totally my mailbox is flooded with a whole bunch of offers from other things.

But no, this is kind of cool because we've actually shot different ideas which we might even do sometime together. A lot of ideas. Yeah. And what was your idea for this one? I was looking at that note earlier

that said the Apple Dumpling Gang. Yeah. We had this, I had this idea that I really want to do. I don't know if you guys ever remember the Apple Dumpling Gang. Yeah, back, yeah, Don Knotts and Tim Conway.

I want to reboot that, but I'm Tim Conway, he's Don Knotts, but we're just like, it's like super dirty. Like the Apple Dumpling Gang grows up or something. I don't even know what the Apple Dumpling Gang is. Netflix that shit. Well, it's probably horrible now.

I can't even imagine. So, yes, I'm excited about this. This is fun. We have a different concept that I decided to go with here. I got really high one night, and I had the idea that if I'm going to do a podcast on a Monday night at the Comedy Store in which there's 50 people that a lot of people don't know

around the country and stuff, that, you know, like 50 or 60 comedians come here every Sunday and Monday at 6 o'clock. It's a mob. It's unbelievable. And everybody's been part of it at some point. Every great comic. I mean, you read the you read whatever book, how many decades ago or whatever. And they talk about a Sunday or a Monday night here,

you know, signing up at six. I mean, the system hasn't changed at this place forever. So when you set a Monday eight o o'clock podcast i'm like how can we use the natural resource of this building to our advantage because there's so many comedians that want to do so much i mean and when you don't get a spot downstairs it's just like a mind fuck yeah because you wait for an hour you pay for parking right you usually have to like do something like like miss something or do something just so you can make it there, like leave work early. I remember trying to do it. I gave up pretty quick.

I don't know. The other comedy clubs are even worse. I heard the Laugh Factory, where people are starting the lineup at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and you don't get on. And it's a random lottery. They just pick 15 random, like maybe a few, maybe a few, a couple employees owe a favor to or think they're really funny. And when they're making the lineup or whatever, they're like, you know, we got to give this guy a spot. He's been hilarious for five or six years we've seen him, you know. But other than that, it's very random.

And I used to ride my bicycle here all the way from Burbank. You know, I would take the train at Universal City and get off at Hollywood Highland. I'd bike miles. Right around where you live is where I used to live. It's crazy the bicycle ride home after you don't get a spot. It's really a mind fuck.

It's almost as bad as getting the spot and failing and hating yourself like you just want to kill yourself. It's almost that bad. I think a lot of people, I hear so many people say, how do you start? How do you start? You know, it's like the million dollar question. You get asked that all the time. How do you even start something like that?

And it's, you know, it's going through that kind of ridiculous grind. And once you do a spot and you do good, you want more. And it's crazy. It's an addiction. and it's crazy. It's an addiction. And so there were tons of people and I figured why not give everybody a smaller forum

than the three minutes that they're trying to get. And that's all for three minutes, by the way. Yeah. So I said, what if we give everybody one minute and see how it goes.

If I brought a funny friend on... Because then that's a total of four minutes. So you've added an extra minute. You've added 25% more. If they get a spot downstairs and made it to the first 15 people that signed up here, then they get a total of four minutes.

Yeah. Which is 33% more work than they thought they were going to get tonight. And who knows? Maybe down the line, you even tweak that number a little bit and you can add more percent. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a growing podcast, guys. You never know what's going to go. It's so experimental, it's crazy. This whole thing can fucking explode at any given moment. There's no doubt about it. This thing has no, barely any structure whatsoever. But we're going to try

our best to write. Me and I have a very special guest, one of the funniest people I know, Rick Ingram is here. Wait a second, you know what? Rick Ingram is amazing. But I think you need to really tell people what the name of this podcast is because there's a lot of I was at JCPenney's earlier

and I was looking at Twitter and there was some controversy about the name because a lot of people think you should change it to something else. What do you want it to be? I'm pretty bendable at this point. I always thought that a decent name for a podcast would be Hinchcliffe's Notes because it's a cool

mix of like Cliff's Notes. It doesn't roll off the tongue though. Hinchcliffe's Notes. I'm pretty sure nothing with the word Hinchcliffe in it's a cool mix of Cliff's notes. It doesn't roll off the tongue, though. Hinchcliffe notes. I'm pretty sure nothing with the word Hinchcliffe in it is going to roll off the tongue. Unless you spell it out, which is what a lot of people on Twitter, they think it should be H plus inch Cliff plus E podcast.

H plus inch Cliff plus E. That's how you spell it. Right. But spell it out maybe Like inch Plus H It's not itch

It's not an itch in there It's H plus inch Cliff plus C That's how I tell people To spell my When they go Can you spell that out All the time

It seems like it's more confusing though I remember like It took me like a month To figure out what you were talking about It is not more confusing Cause I'm like H plus inch Cliff plus E e wait what's oh he's spelling it but all right i see it's inchcliff with an h at the beginning and it's very i don't know do you ever think about hollywooding it up like putting a red band to it like having a tony baloney or something like

that tony baloney that's pretty easy yeah tologna. Does that roll off the tongue? That's perfect. If your name was really Tony Bologna... What if we keep it untitled? Well, this is the pilot. That's what's good. This is the Tony Hinchcliffe pilot podcast. So this is when you figure out what you want this to be.

I have to decide right now? No, by next Monday. By next Monday. Oh, okay. At 8 p.m. I gotcha. So you guys might witness history at some point. I love it.

Yes. How exciting. When did you first meet Rick Ingram? I first saw Rick Ingram, like I said, I signed up, the first time I signed up here was a Sunday night

and I got to see Rick Ingram a few nights after that when I was just here watching one of the real shows for the first time. I think it was probably that Tuesday night. Something like that. My mind was blown because he's so funny and he's

off the cuff all the time. It's ridiculous. He just cracked me up. Him, Duncan Trussell. There were a few people on that lineup because sometimes it's ridiculous and he uh yeah he just cracked me up him duncan trussell like there were a few people on that lineup because because sometimes it's really old school here because there's a a lot of people that have been here for decades you know what i mean yeah totally and then all of a sudden you see somebody like that and it gives you hope that uh you guys all know who rick ingram is by the way there you go go. Yeah, let's bring him up. All right, great.

Ladies and gentlemen, my first and only guest tonight, put your hands together for the one and only Rick Ingram, everybody. Fuck yeah, Rick Ingram. Hello. How are you, buddy? I'm fucking great.

Interesting mic choice, by the way. The one right next to Tony. You guys are very close, I can tell already. I was confused if maybe I was supposed to sit there or why there are so many. Here, I'll get closer. I love it. Let's bring it in. Hell yeah.

Let's talk about this. closer. Let's bring it in. Hell yeah. Let's talk about this. Wait, do all of us have to take our shirt off or can we do like a shirt off, pants off, hat off type of thing? It's going to get creepy. Let's touch the ends of the mic.

We can't untouch it. Oh, it's happening. Oh my god. Is that not the gayest thing? Now let's take our left hand and put it directly on the crotch. So this is experimental and

I heard it from a hipster friend of mine that it's the best podcast that they've ever heard. Oh yeah. Two weeks ago they told me. They said it's not out yet but it's fucking amazing. They love it. So I knew they were genuine. I'm sure they're going to keep loving it because I highly doubt this train wreck is ever going to go mainstream.

Perfect. Well, as long as we can keep no listeners, it'll be high on their list, I'm sure. I love it. There's already too many people on this list of open micers for it to be fully hipster. It's true. I was actually surprised. I went out there at like uh 6 uh 30 or so right and i basically explained what was going on and only nine people signed up and then after

i walked away with the list uh people started tracking me down like one after they were all they all you could tell everybody had second thoughts they're like wait a second what if i don't get up in this room? And how can this help me? I've never been on a podcast. I guess I could say that I did a podcast at the comedy store. You have an extra minute to kill. Right.

Wow. I mean, that's probably high on the resume. If they're looking to, if they're getting bumped down on the open mic downstairs, give them a minute of pure humiliation upstairs. I love it. Still get some attention, which is really what they want. Positive, negative reinforcement? Doesn't matter.

That's why most people are in Hollywood, because they don't care that no one likes them, ever. Right. They can stick it out. So basically, the plan would be that they do a minute each, and we either... Do we then sit them down here or is there a reason? That was one of the producers

of the show, Josh Martin. It was his idea to leave an empty seat and an empty microphone just in case somebody did so good that we wanted to call them over to the couch. Josh, obviously, an expert in comedy, knew that there was a lot of talent on the lineup tonight. I still think it's a good idea. That's kind of like a cartoon dog version of Josh Martin.

Yes, it is. Exit. Stage left even. All right. That's pretty good. So are these people all open micers or are these people here because they are decent people who want to make fun of bad human beings? I think it's a mix of both. I see that death squad shirt right there in the front row.

I think these people are. These people are here to watch the humiliation. I think so. Beautiful. Or it could go good. You know, the other side of it is. As Josh pointed out, we could. I might so. Beautiful. Or it could go good. The other side of it is... As Josh pointed out, we could... I might be scooting back over

once the new George Carlin comes up here and crushes. Can you imagine a minute doing so good in a minute that two of the most cynical people, probably three, I don't know how cynical you are, Red Band. If it's a girl, it's different. Well, obviously that's vagina rules.

Don't apply. No, I think if there's a hot one-minute girl, we automatically, she gets to go on the couch, right? Yeah, that's... San Fernando rules, I think, is what that one's called. The casting couch. She can get it going in one minute? That's going to be exciting.

In one minute, I mean, mean it's there's a good chance that Chris Rock would bomb if he only had one minute yeah it's possible I mean well it's not really about the minute as much as it possibly is about a joke that's under a minute like everybody also gave me a topic the topic like for example uh you know Skyler's gonna be

talking about chicken dick funny funny shit I don't even know if we need him to come up he just crushed harder than he For example, Skyler's going to be talking about chicken dick. Funny. Funny shit. I don't even know if we need him to come up. He just crushed harder than he could ever fucking follow. Can we get a couch to push up next to the couch? We just peaked with chicken dick right off the top. Whereas Brian Farrell is going to be talking about, in quotations, black friends. Oh, shit.

Hopefully racist. I forgot. Hopefully. That'll be fun. But Rick, you have a lot of experience. You've been on the road with Andrew Dice Clay, right? Yep. Did some touring with Dice. Did some touring with Pauly. Wow. Pretty much met every single

B-star on their way down to Z-stardom. Yeah, got to see the worst parts of America where they're still famous. Is there anything about... No, I mean, it's like Pauly Shore in L.A. People are like, ooh. But like Pauly Shore in Sharif's port,

people are like, holy shit. I mean, top three most famous people list. Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Pauly Shore. Obviously. And I think that has something to do with country music television's love of the hit Pauly Shore movie

Son-in-Law. They do play that a lot. They love it. And everywhere we went, people would tell Pauly, oh man, you can come stay with me, Pauly. We'll do a whole Son-in-Law 2. And you could tell in Pauly, oh, man, you can come stay with me, Pauly. We'll do a whole son-in-law, too. And you could tell in Pauly's mind, he's like, maybe. Some producer in Shreveport's going to make it all happen. My ex-girlfriend has an I Fucked Pauly Shore t-shirt and always bugged me.

And her mom and dad has a Pauly Shore picture when she met Pauly Shore on their nightstand. See, that's beautiful. Oh, my God. That's what you want, Pauly Shore, by your bedside. Who has that by their bedside? My ex-girlfriend's family. Yikes. And you went over there and you saw it?

No, she took a picture. She told me. I was like, no way. She took a picture of it. She took a picture of the picture? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.

And she had a I Fucked Pauly Shore t-shirt. Really? Yeah. See, those were the worst nights. Pauly didn't pick up pussy at the show. Then it's fucking dredges. Then you're going to Hooters. And then if he doesn't get anything at Hooters,

which, I mean, that's pretty fucking sad. But if he didn't, straight to the strip club. You hit up fucking the finest thing Columbia, South Carolina has to offer. And, yeah, eventually he'll leave with someone. There's a lot of comedians in the room that I'm sure would love to know what it's like going on the road with Andrew Dice Clay.

Fuck yeah. I was lucky. I was in an era of Andrew Dice Clay where he was experimenting with sleep medication. So I got to experience Ambien Andrew Dice Clay where he was experimenting with sleep medication. So I got to experience Ambien Andrew Dice Clay, which at first I just thought

like I was 23 years old at the time and I was positive that like, oh, this is so funny. Andrew Dice Clay calls me and he pretends to be a black guy and it's just hilarious, right? You're like, oh, that's funny. That's pretty cool no this dude was straight hallucinating in the middle of the night he would call my phone would ring at

like four in the morning and i'll be like oh it's dice and this would be if i was in town if we were on the road he just would call you you'd answer hey motherfucker this is mar Marvin and you're like oh god I just made it rain with my giant black dick and like it's one of those things like his impression is so bad he has to reference in hallucination how black he is so that you know the character is black so I was

convinced it was just him fucking around and then we were in Miami and we had to fly at like five in the morning or something like that and dice was still tripping fucking balls at the airport he's yelling at the fucking security guy at that point he thought he was a drill instructor and the guys obviously knows it's dice and he's just like you know sir did you have your luggage and he's like oh where are you stationed, that soldier? And I was positive we were going to get arrested.

Doesn't break the whole time. Dude was just fucking hallucinating. Wow. So for like six months, that was my life, was like three times a week getting a phone call from Andrew Dice Clay. What happened at the end of six months? He stopped taking Ambien? Yeah, at that point, I think there was a situation where you'd wake his kid up,

and they would drive around while he was hallucinating and pick up garbage. He would fill his Escalade with trash. So then after that, he was like, this isn't safe. That was one of those eye-opening. You go out to your car, and it's filled with the entire neighborhood's garbage. And you're like, holy shit. And When I heard that, I'm like, I don't necessarily think he's fucking around now. Now I think he's hallucinating.

So yeah, that was that. I got to meet OJ Simpson. With Dice? With Dice. Because Dice wouldn't meet OJ, second fiddle. OJ wanted to meet someone, god damn it. What did OJ smell like? Did he have a smell? Because that's one thing

that I've always wondered. He was sweaty and he was giant and his hands were enormous. He put his arm around me and I literally thought I was going to be crushed to death. He had like a 27-year-old

blonde girl with him just ready to die. Didn't care. Wow. Take pictures. He made her take like eight pictures of us at the bar.

He wouldn't shout at them like that? Screaming at her. What are you doing? Take pictures. And I told OJ about how much I love the naked gun.

Should have seen the fucking smile on this guy's face. Oh man, no one ever tells me that. Yeah. There's a fucking reason, OJ.

Wow. You're a fucking legendary football player and you murder people. So, that comes up fucking reason, OJ. Wow. You're a fucking legendary football player and you murder people. So that comes up first, before the naked gun. When was the time frame that you met him? Was that before,

after he got away with it, or before? Oh yeah, this is after that. Wow. He got away with it in 94. I was 12. Yeah, I guess so. Although it would have made more sense

to be on a Dice Clay tour then. Was this during his selling Black Market Satellite service? Did you remember those days? I know he was in Florida because they wouldn't take his money there, I think. So he was stuck in Miami. And, yeah, he just loved Dice, loved everything. He remembered all my jokes that I told, which was really creepy. Because then you're like, oh, OJ's the annoying fan.

Oh, you know what I liked? And you're like, oh, God. Shut the fuck up, OJ. But you can't tell OJ that, because he'll fucking kill you. Of course. Yeah. Yeah, I met Mitch Hedberg like five minutes later. And then I gave Mitch Hedberg back a bag of pills that I found in the hotel room.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah. And then he was dead like six months later. But not because of those vitamins. I thought you were going to say six minutes. I returned to him. No, it's just I got to the hotel, and we were staying at the Four Seasons and Coconut Grove or whatever. And the improv just owns the two suites that they have.

So it was like the comics that were there the week before were staying in the same suite. And I checked in and we got to my room. I'm like, this is fucking awesome. And then I opened up the drawer where the shitty Bible's supposed to be. And there was no Bible. It was just a bag of pills, unmarked.

And I was like, double dare. Wow. You know, you gotta fucking risk. Do you take them? Do you not? I was trying to figure out what they were. No. And then when I met Mitch Hedberg, he was like, hey, you didn't find like a bag of pills in the room. Yes, I did.

He came back, got them the next day and yeah, he's dead. That was about six months later he was dead. Yes, he could have saved him right there. Why didn't he? Listen, I'm not going to deprive a man of what he needs when he's in Miami. Did you ever get to see Mitch Hedberg live? No.

Were you a fan of his work? Oh, I was a fan, I guess, the first time I saw him do it, the amount of Mitch Hedberg fucking knockoffs that I've seen since Mitch Hedberg has made me not a Mitch Hedberg fan. But yeah, he's all right. I'm not really into the fucking one-liner retard style. Do we got some of that on here? One-liner retard? Is that anyone? It's all under a minute, so you're definitely about to be...

Perfect. So this is like Twitter open mic, essentially. Right, exactly. You guys ready to get it started, shall we? Fuck. If people watch Vine videos, why wouldn't they watch this? Exactly. It's a quicker, faster format of an open mic.

Short attention span comedy. Hell yeah. Well, I mentioned this bit earlier and I'm excited to see it. Put your hands together. Chicken dick, everybody. It's Skylar. Yeah. Skylar's talking about chicken dick. Get that big chicken dick up here, Skylar.

Oh, yeah. All right. What's up, guys? What's up? So, as a black guy, I have this... I'm supposed to love chicken. I have this weird relationship with it. I can't eat chicken with bones.

I don't like sunny-side-up eggs. It's like they're staring at me. So, you know, I went to my therapist, and I figured out that I was molested by a rooster. I was literally forced to suck cock. But, you know, don't worry about it. You know, I still love pussy. You know?

And I shouldn't have went into that Catholic church's chicken. And so, you know, I still love the pussy. And it's great. And, you know, you guys realize I'm talking about my cat right oh you son of a bitch and that's the disco how about that Skylar

I mean do you think we should keep the people up there for their second part right I think that would only be fair otherwise we're talking behind their back. Right, exactly. We got to see tears.

The first thing I would say is I felt like it was similar to the Dice hallucinations. You had to open with, I'm a black guy just so we know that you're doing a black guy. It was very Marvin of you. Yeah, and it almost sounded like it was Tony Gwynn style too. Right. It was like, well, I'm a black guy. It was very Marvin of you. Yeah, and it almost sounded like it was Tony Gwynn style, too. It was like, well, I'm a black guy. Listen, you have to see it. If you were listening to this podcast, you would be like, that's racist. Pretend that that's a black guy.

Right. So, yeah, inflection is maybe something I would work on. I'm a black guy, so, you know. Well, no, that was like a white guy doing a black eye. Or Travolta. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! What up, everybody? Shit, yeah.

I think I'll get more work if I do Travolta. Almost, Iran. That was a Travolta? Yeah. That's what he's doing. He's doing a black Travolta. If you only got one minute, you should have just opened with black Travolta. Yep, there you go. And that's this part of the show. It's called Tag It or Fag It.

That's right. Fag It with a P-H. Yeah. Right. So there you go. You got your tag. You're the new Black Travolta. You can open up with that next time.

There you go. Skyler, everybody. Lucky son of a bitch. Look out, bathhouses in WeHo. There's some new black cock coming to town. Even Skyler is the whitest name ever, right? Of all time.

I've never met a black Skyler before. He was doing animal word plays and shit. Chicken dick. Catholic Church's chicken, I heard in there. Boom. Yep. That was fun. I thought about those things at one point. You want to, you just want to pick a random one off the list?

Oh, shit. So they all have to be in here? That's how it works? I'll go down the list and then you can pick randoms as we go on. You can pick it from the... Fuck yeah.

I think, I mean, you're going to follow Chicken Dick. You got to follow it hardcore with something like Yao Ming's Tough Childhood. Jerron Horton. Yeah. Jerron Horton.

Yeah, Jerron Horton. What's up? Thank you all for having me. Being tall is stressful, y'all. It is. Because short people always tell me what they would do if they had my body. You know? Hey, man, if I had your height, I'd be in the nba right now i'm like no man you'd just

be a tall college dropout you know that's like me going up to a guy in the gym locker room hey man with a dick like that i'd be doing porn right now you know a lot of people ask me they're like geron what is it like being tall and i just tell tell them, being tall is like being an Asian kid in high school. Just a lot of pressure to be great. That joke is called, Yao Ming probably had a tough childhood. That's it. Very good. It's a good joke.

Yeah. One golden rule, you can always make fun of Asian people, so well played there. Thank you. Thank you. That's right off the bat. Now, you're in a locker room a lot

where you're naked around guys that would say... Let's talk more about the dick watching. Yeah. That's 24-hour fitness, man. That's all there's there to do. No, I don't... That's all there's there to do. That's all there is to do. Is that projected? Have you ever checked out the weight room before?

There are a few issues with his rebuttal that I have. I have more beef with the rebuttal than I do the joke at this point. Listen, I don't know what you guys do at the gym. I go in and just look at dick. I don't even go in the locker room. It's good for your triceps, your biceps.

I work everything out right there with my dick watching. But as a comedian, you know, when you sat there and you saw the dick that inspired this bit, you had to be like, hey, you know what? I can write this whole day off for taxes now because that's going to be part of my show. So dick watching on the taxes minus $20. Keep that on the 1080 next time. Yeah, all right.

Wow. That was great, man. I love it. I don't know if you guys know. Right off the bat, you started, Tony, you broke the color barrier. Comic number one.

The Jackie Robinson of the show. Definitely. Chicken dick. Chicken dick. And then, well, He probably, again, he was the Tony Gwynn. So this was probably the Jackie Robinson. Right. We'll count Geron as the first

black comic on the... He's so excited about that. You can totally tell he's been called light-skinned his whole life. That was a good way to really urbanize Jerron. Yeah, Jerron, come back up. Question. Why is there

two D's in the word light-skinned? Light-skinned? Light-skinned. I don't know. Light-skinned. Black people, we just got bad grammar, I guess. Fuck. Amen. Actually,

that's all it sums up to. I gotta call this just honesty. Holy shit. That was hilarious. He was like, you know what? There's not even a joke to add to that. It's just bad grammar. You should

take that one and run with it, man. I can't do that joke about black people having bad grammar. I think that's your tag. Sometimes I think you made it through the faggot phase and you went straight to tag it. No homo. No homo. Definitely. That's the big hashtag with this. I'm the Greg

Hibbert of the fucking Tony podcast. I say no homo and I don't care. All right. Thank you Ger homo and I don't care. All right. Thank you, Jerron. All right. Thank you. Thank you. That was not.

And what a great representation you got him to answer for all black people on grammar. That was amazing. I mean, that's a really I hope that gets like quoted in Wikipedia or something one day that. Absolutely. That was the explanation from Jerron Horton. Absolutely That was the explanation from Jerron Horton Well there's been so much talk of Blacks and whites

And Asians Tony the way you said blacks Like you really seemed like you emphasized Hatred at the beginning Well that was blacks with a capital L Blacks But next Going down the list

With a joke about That's just called racist everybody an oldie but a goodie put your hands together for Rich Slayton oh that's a racist name Rich Slayton

oh he looks racist fuck yeah I'm buying it already very much so I got called racist for the first time that's a white nightmare because there's no good response

to being called racist. I can't say yes, and I can't say I'm not racist, because that's the internationally agreed upon verbal signal for I am definitely racist. Right? A close second when a white guy wants to use the N-word. No, it's okay, bro. I have black friends.

No, you don't. You know a black guy, and he thinks you're racist. That's what you get. I have black friends. No, you don't. You know a black guy and he thinks you're racist. That's what you get. Awful cracker. White people want to say the N-word now. It's weird. They want to say it like in a fun way. There's only one time where a white guy can get away with any version of that word. If it's an art, if it's in a play or a movie or a character, if it's in a song, if it's in a song, sing that song as the artist intended. Don't change the artist's lyrics because you're uncomfortable with that. Only in a rap song, by the way.

Not in a country song. You don't want to do that. I really wish my dick was bigger so I could look just like it. Don't finish that lyric. That's bad news. And that's it, guys. My name is Rich. Thanks for that. Rich Slate. The grand wizard of comedy.

It felt like it had to do with race. It was race based. That was a topic. Okay. Good talk guys. I think it could really crush all throughout the South. You could do a full tour of the former Confederate states.

I got the haircut for it. Yeah. Maybe get one of the two black guys who opened for you to go with you and objectify him in some way. Soften the crowd a bit first. Yeah. And then Cracker, I mean, that was pretty offensive, right? That was the part that really stood out to me. Yeah, me too.

It was a very hard cracker. Like, you said it, you landed on it. A lot of hate. I threw the er really hard. Yeah. Yeah, I think with an A, maybe crack-a. That's fair. Right.

For future referencing. Totally. Well, guys, that's insightful. Killer stuff, though. Oh, also, didn't he have great comedy cadence? He was really pushing. Very comfortable. He was like 80s style.

He had the Eliza Schlesinger hand going like that. And you build it up. Right. Yeah, it was good. And you have the beard that every casting agent in Hollywood loves right now for everything. You could be in every beer commercial. The look's called organ chic. Portland, guys.

That's right. Portland, Eugene, wherever. And have you ever cut down a tree before? No, but I want to. Do you have a commercial agent? None. Well, if there's any commercial agents listening right now, Rich Slayton would play a great white guy on.

Anything white. Really good at it. You know what you're good at, and I do appreciate that about you. Rich Slayton. Well, there you go. Thank you, guys. All right.

Thanks, Rich. I'm going to give that one a faggot with a PH. Yeah, a faggot. Huge faggot. Definitely a faggot with a P-H. Yeah, a faggot. Huge faggot. Definitely a faggot. Was that what watching baseball was like when they still had the Negro Leagues? And so you'd go watch and it was just like four or five really skinny white guys kind of playing, not that excited. All right.

Am I choosing now? Yep. that excited. All right. Am I choosing now? Yep. You know, I see something here about fat people

who wear fatness shirts and I think we haven't had the fats represented yet. So, Jeff Schwind. Hell yeah,

Jeff Schwind. Here he comes. He doesn't even look fat. He doesn't look fat at all. It's fitness, by the way. I find it ironic when fat people wear T-shirts promoting fitness. The other day I saw a guy wearing a Nike shirt that said, there is no finish line.

And so I just came to the assumption he wears that to the Golden Corral. Fuck yeah. Awesome. Is that the whole? Okay. Well, is Golden Corral a sponsor? Is there anything positive we can take from this? They were a sponsor before that just happened.

They said no chocolate fountain after that. We had one fucking sponsor. Golden Corral was nice enough, and they just texted. That's why Red Band's going to figure it all out right now. He's talking. You know what? We're screwed, guys. We're screwed.

What kind of insults me in a way is he didn't even try and use up his minute. Right. I know. That was definitely like an easy. Queef. That was a queef. Yeah, totally. You want to do another 20 seconds or something?

I think he's got like 58. If that was the opener, what would you close with? Do the closer. Keep it short. I don't know if I have a closer. Not under a minute. What would you have done had you gotten the three minutes downstairs? A couple of road rage jokes.

I'm from the Midwest. We? A couple of road rage jokes. I'm from the Midwest. We don't really have road rage there. All right, you set it up, so keep the joke going. He just does the whole set up and he's like, but I won't do the joke. Knock, knock. Who's there? I got to go.

Road rage, you know, like that Ohio sniper that killed like 23 people like 10 years ago. Was that Ohio? Or was that Washington? I thought it was D.C. Yeah, I thought so too. It was Ohio. Really? Ohio had their own sniper?

No, it was the same guy. He traveled. Really? Yeah, fuck. Interstate, you know.

He also was in Arizona. Interstate 80. Taxpayer dollars, man. Fucking Obama. All right, let's hear a middler. A middler?

What's a middler? Like in between an opener and a closer. It's a joke. I thought you knew he had a Ben Middler joke. I was like, fuck, do the middler. Do the big middler closer. I thought he was going to do a whole song and dance. Cause there's no

business. I don't even know what she does. Jesus. That was like Eliza Minnelli. I get them all confused, man. They're all just fucking famous. They're all unfuckable trolls. Chicks that I don't know why they're famous. Bette Midler, Eliza Minnelli. It's all like

the same thing, I guess. Boner killing. Every time I go to Avon's, there's no makeup. Oh, Bette Midler did do jokes, didn't she? Yeah, like Avon's, there's no makeup. Oh, Bette Midler did do jokes, didn't she? Yeah, like Avon jokes. Lucky girl. Do you have any Avon jokes? I don't.

Have you ever been more uncomfortable on a stage before? No. It was only my fourth time. Oh, wow. Alright, four times. I mean, let's talk about what got you there. Hell yeah. What was the moment where you said, yeah, this is what I'm doing?

This is why I'm moving to L.A. What was the break? So you didn't start until you came to L.A.? No, I did a couple of shows in Indiana. Indiana? Yeah. Fuck, Little Hollywood. Yeah.

You know it. Snickers Nightclub, what? Big time shit out there, right? What part of Indiana? Fort Wayne. Oh, whoa. Wow, that know it. Snickers nightclub, what? Big time shit out there, right? What part of Indiana? Fort Wayne. Whoa, whoa. Wow, that's it. Metropolis, Jesus.

Do they have a club there? Is there like a chuckle bin or something? They have a Snickers. Snickers? Get the fuck out of here. You got to get down to Snickers in Fort Wayne. Next week, hanging with Mr. Cooper is going to be there. He was actually on the lineup here last night.

Fuck yeah. See, that's the kind of big time names we get around here. Mark Curry. Wow. Snickers. Do you have a connection? Can you hook up the fucking podcast with maybe a week at Snickers can we do like a month

at Snickers you think get us July through September fuck yeah so what did you even talk about all I remember is Coral he was in something

listen I think you gotta get the fuck out of here. Don't cry. I'll sit down now. You definitely get the faggot. Congratulations. P-H. That one was faggot with a P-H and a couple X. A couple of X.

The P-F was at the end and it was silent. And there was a hard capital F at the front. Faggot. That was the sound of the que at the front. Faggot! That was the sound of the queef after you say faggot. Faggot! That's hilarious. Disturbing. Up next is Matt

Devlin whose joke is won't be doing any 9-11 jokes. Perfect. I know Matt Devlin. This is a funny guy actually. Oh yeah. Holy shit. Excellent. I wrote that joke in Fort Wayne. Yes. Callback.

There you go. Yeah, you see that? Professionalism. How much time we got? It's a joke, but it's a segue. It's a segue into a segue when you're in places like Indiana and you need to let the crowd know that it's about to get fucking horrible. And half the time you break it even, so fuck them, right? And the joke is I won't be making

any, relax, I know what you're thinking, don't worry about it, I won't be making any 9-11 jokes tonight, mainly because all the good ones are already taken and they don't translate into English very well. Was that the you take it from there yourself? It sort of paves the way for

genocide and terrorism and abortion and the you know, the good stuff. The good, fuck yeah. So. That's a hilarious joke. I know, I think I'm down to eight seconds, so I'm just, I'm not going to step on it. Was that last part part of it? What?

All right, forget it. He just fucking cummed on my shoe, Tony. He came all over my shoe. It happens. I'm sorry. There's a lot of man boners for that one. You like that joke. I mean, you were like really amazed by it. You should have seen it in Marco Island, Florida. I went down

a treat at Marco Island. You ever been to Marco Island? Check that place out. God, he does promotions for vacation destinations. I want to check that place out right now. Can you imagine if there was an actual commercial and just this flashed up up there? And he's like, go to Florida.

Trust me. Old white people in golf carts. Fuck yeah. You have a Boston accent. Are you from the New England area? No. Not at all? Yeah, I grew up in Pembroke, Massachusetts.

How far is that from Worcester? It depends on who's driving. My sister will get you there in about 40 minutes. And you? To the commoner, it's about an hour and ten. Oh, so your sister, she can fucking fly. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah.

Wow. Well, if I ever go to Worcester, I'm going to have you call your sister for me. You say it right. That's a good start. I knew a guy from Worcester. He thought it was the coolest city on earth. Like, bragged about it like it was fucking great. It's a shithole.

Exactly. I mean, there's no way Worcester, Mass. is fucking awesome. Right. But he would always say, bro, fuck, where are you going? Yeah, I'm going down to Miami. Fuck Miami, bro. You want to fucking go to a city that can party? Go to Worcester, Massachusetts.

Yeah. What I've learned is everybody's favorite place is just where their favorite dive bars are where they've had the best experience. It really sucks when you get out on the road because then all of a sudden you have to take the advice of people that you just met.

With a little bit more than five years now and we just really had a great one pulled on us a couple weeks ago. Am I finished? Holy shit, man. Calm down, bro. I think we should let him go, man.

This dude is going to fucking kill us. I love it. Fantastic attitude. My old lady's going out of town for a week. I got to go tend to something. Definitely not faggot then. Go tear that pussy. Matt Devlin, everybody. Honestly,

if anyone leaves the room and the rest of us end up dead from a bomb explosion, look into that guy. Yeah. He's great, right? Charisma. Charisma. We were in Sacramento. That's what they said about the Unabomber. We were in Sacramento and after one of the shows Unabomber. We were in Sacramento, and

after one of the shows, you know, we asked everybody, like, hey, where's a cool place to hang out after this? And we took the advice of a couple guys that are, like, real fans. They had death squad shirts on, I think. Yeah, and they were, like, talking to us about things we've talked about. Anyway,

so we really took their advice. We're like, all right, we had 20 bars recommended to us. We're going to go to this bar. And it was a gay bar. It was called The Living Room, which happens to be the other bar that I had. It's called The Living Room, and we ended up driving by it, and it's actually just somebody's

house. It's literally their living room. And if you go there, they serve you drinks and basically try to fuck you, from what we understand and basically try to fuck you from what we understand of the Yelp reviews. From what you understand and didn't experience. Then we realized it was a gay bar and then we went to that

place that had all the meth heads. It was like something right out of Breaking Bad. Much better. It was really crazy. Meth heads and a pool table. Hand jobs or blow jobs. That's the only difference. It was Sacramento. Yeah. Wow. Here we go. I'm still lost in that

last guy's eyes. He has very charming eyes. He had the kind of eyes that could kidnap Elizabeth Smart. You know what I mean? You're just like, yeah, this guy might be a god. He had strategically messy hair. That's always funny when people mess up their hair, but you could tell that they looked

in the mirror to do it for a long period of time. You got to fucking spice it. I feel like if I talk to him long enough, I'll remember being molested in a garage. That's a nice feeling. You almost had flashbacks. He reminds you of home. Beautiful. Fuck yeah, let's keep it moving.

Listen, I'm looking at this list and I know right now if there's one thing I want to see it's a white guy doing an impression of a black guy so let's go Taylor Dean drunken Obama oh my god absolutely I know I look like Mitt Romney's biggest fan but no I really do like Obama

I think he's fantastic. I like him especially at the White House Correspondents' Dinners. It's just really great to see him loosen up because he's always so dignified. And he's still dignified at those dinners. But I think you never see him drinking on camera, but I think he drinks before the show, like has a couple openers, and then just goes up and he's really poised while he's doing it. But I like when he's up there

and I like how he makes fun of himself. Just like, America. According to Fox News, when it comes to the redistribution of wealth, America is

like a giant cookie jar. Yeah, and if you get, see it's a metaphor. If you give a mouse a cookie, oh, he's going to want another one. He's going to tell his friends. Soon, the number of cookies in a jar runs thin. This is a problem that afflicts America today. This is going nowhere. So that was fun, I guess. I sent it to Saturday Night Live, but they haven't called me back. Hold on a second. Wait a second. You cannot name drop things that you fail at.

That is part of bragging. You can't just say, oh, I put that on this thing that is going to be tremendously unsuccessful for my career. Just in case any of you ever get to see some sort of a reel called things that never get you booked. All right. So there was no punchline to that? You just thought you would flow into? Yeah. What do you normally do when it's not just a minute?

You just keep doing a speech? Do you have one memorized? Is this like a Shay Mitosh type of thing where you're hoping that eventually the impression... She was a comic that used to perform here. She had blonde hair too. She did impressions

and one thing I noticed from watching her was her impressions would go on long enough that eventually the crowd would start the, yeah, we get it clap. So is that like how the punchline usually where you just keep doing the impression and eventually the crowd's like, okay, you don't have to give us a punchline. No, I like to do it until it gets to a point where it's just gotten bad. And then I'll try to make fun of it as a punchline, kind of like what I did. So instead of doing good comedy,

you just keep it bad and come up with quips to talk about how bad it is. All right, successful game plan. That is a really good approach. As opposed to having it to fall back on and being able to come up with, just write it bad and specialize on the making fun of it yeah i think

i think the impression the actual inflection is good it's just i'm i'm not black okay listen that's your problem not my problem i can't make you is that what we should have suggested i would be black if i were you um You're definitely not black. Yeah. But is that the big impression you do? The Obama, that's your good one? You don't have like a... I like Obama. I like Jim Carrey.

Do you do a zany Jim Carrey impression? Oh, I love Jim Carrey. Do you do the Jim Carrey that does good impressions, Jim Carrey? Oh, yeah. Can you do good impressions as long as you're doing an impression of Jim Carrey? Well, maybe you should always go through them. It's a warp tunnel, man. I love his expressions.

Have you seen his unnatural act? He's a Canadian, so no. Rick hates Canadians. If you haven't gotten that. Listen, it's not hatred. It's just utter disdain for a group of people who want to be us so badly.

Are you Canadian, Taylor? I think hate is a shorter word. It's a more concise version of utter disdain or something longer that you can think of. Trust me. I save my hate for individuals, not groups of people. Okay. So, Taylor, when you were tucking in your shirt earlier. Yeah.

When you were putting together the Honda blue shirt team outfit. And you were going to get us all a great deal. This is the comedy. See, I feel like, because when I started doing comedy, I did it in Kansas City. And I was in college. And when you start, you just don't know stuff. And people would give us the worst advice. And one of the things they would always say is like,

oh, and you've got to make sure you dress the part. Like you can't just go up in jeans and T-shirt and expect people to think you're a comedian. And I feel like this is kind of how I would have dressed. Like taking their advice, I'd be like, all right. You know what? Brunch with Grandma. That's what I'm going for.

It's kind of backward. It's like someone who dressed to be successful but didn't know how to dress to be successful. This is how I dress. This is every day. Play a lot of golf. Every day. Play a lot of golf. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, I'm your average comic. Plays a lot of golf. What? Like, so. He's got Kato Kaelin hair. Just look at him. Let's get some wind on him. He's got Kato Kalin hair. Just look at him. Let's get some wind on him. Who's Kato Kalin?

Holy shit. Oh my god. How old am I? How dare you? Kato Kalin. What are you going to do next? Burn an American flag? Yeah, no kidding. I'm up here telling OJ stories and this guy doesn't even know who Kato Kaelin is?

Wrong crowd. Wrong crowd. All right, so... All right. Taylor Dean. Who is he? He was a... Yeah.

You'll figure it. Google that shit, man. There he goes. Taylor Dean, everybody. He's about to go pick up a shift at Best Buy right now. Straight to the electronics department. Where he'll be entertaining Charles Fleischer for two hours. Wow.

That was my uniform when I was assistant manager of a general cinema movie theater in Columbus, Ohio. That's the fucking look. Authority. Did you like that job? Oh, I wanted to kill myself every single day. Were you like the projectionist guy? No, I was an assistant manager, but I was also a projectionist for a long period

of time. No, you should throw that outfit away. Wait. Get rid of the joke in the outfit. Is that your guitar? Why do you have a fucking guitar? Please tell me you're leaning up against

somebody else's guitar. That would be even better. I think it is. And I think it is. It is my guitar. Wow. You had an opportunity to really fucking impress us with one minute of a zany song about you and your frat brothers or something. And you chose to do that Obama bit that went nowhere.

All right. Only suggestion for Taylor, I would say write punchlines. Right. Focus on punchline writing. Or sentences. Yeah, even full sentences. And if you're serious about SNL, maybe impressions of people of the same race that they might have you play on Saturday Night Live. They're really not in hurtful need of a good Obama impression. Do you do a killer Oprah by any chance?

Because there's a character they'll also never let you play that you could work on. All right. We've been mean enough. Unless he just did all black people that he would never be able to do. In blackface. In blackface. That could be your whole thing, Taylor. Yeah, don't focus on being funny.

Focus on the straight racism. Yes. We'll hook him up with Rich Slayton. We're going to have Rich Slayton teach you a thing or two about moonshine, and we'll bring you back a whole new man. He's going to be the unknown comic of the Ku Klux Klan. That's it? Just wears a hood on stage.

Little do we know there's a banjo on that guitar case. World's biggest banjo. Oh, my God. There's nothing you could do other than put on a white hood that would make you more racist. Your fucking shirt's tucked in, dude. Either you're racist or you're... You have a guitar case full

of Bible booklets right now. He kind of looks like Zach Morris from when they worked at the Malibu Sands beach resort. You know? And he's like, he just got back from fucking Stacy Carosi and he's got that fucking hair flip like, let's win this volleyball tournament. You know what I like about...

It's important when you're a comedian to understand things and to be able to reference things. You go the opposite direction, which is an interesting decision. I'd rather just not know anything about society. All right. Keep up the great work, Taylor.

How old are you, Taylor? Yeah, how old are you, Taylor? What? 24. God, I thought he said 44. Yeah, I think so. It's scary. He was educated at home by the ShamWow guy, though, so you can't expect the highest level of education.

Oh, my God. That's the Ivy League of infomercial education, guys. We did fat people who wear fat shirts, right? Yeah, fitness shirts. But yeah, we did do that one. Fitness shirts. Alright, should we do Little Brother Goes to the

Hospital with Frank Castillo? Yep, here he is. Mr. Castillo. Fuck yeah. Thank you, guys. Thank you. I have a little brother and a little sister. I'm not saying I like one more than the other. It's just that if there's ever a fire,

I know which one I'm picking up. That doesn't make me an asshole. That just makes me efficient. My little brother went to the hospital today because he had three pieces of peas and a few pieces of rice stuck up his nose. I wasn't mad. I was actually really impressed.

That's two away from my best record. This is the kid you're going to hear about who gets his dick caught in something, and I'm going to be that brother that gets that phone call at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. He's going to be like, hey, listen, I got my dick stuck in the vacuum again. Don't worry, I got you covered. Just remember, turn it off and twist and pull. That's what got me out of it Alright thank you

Frank Castillo You're Mexican? Yes And you only have one brother and one sister? Yeah you know what Unbelievable that's not a believable joke I didn't even think about that Divorced parents so actually I got three siblings in total

Oh but because of the divorce You don't count them as real siblings? No, I don't. No, they're only half. Bravo. Interesting. Now, how many vacuums are there to get your dick stuck in in a typical Mexican household? Just about three, and one's at least a Hoover. There you go.

Fuck. I feel like that was aimed at white people. Hoover's such a strong white name. It's true. That's a Target brand. Is it? Yeah. Guys, there's going to be a lot of potential for all sorts of sponsorship on this podcast

from what I've seen so far. A lot of good references. Hoover, Target, Golden Corral has already dropped us, but we got to get new ones. Yep. Fuck yeah. Do you know, or are you related to a Mexican named Houston Castillo? No, no. Castillo's a

popular Mexican last name, apparently. How about Louis Castillo? No, not Louis Castillo. How about Albert? No, not Albert. Alright. Rodrigo? Rodrigo, yes. What, uh... Alright. He's obviously his primo.

He doesn't want to talk about it. Right. Well, uh, I got confused. Honestly, I daydreamed at one point during that. One point you were talking about the brother and the sister and then all of a sudden you were on P's and I'm like,

oh shit, I missed something important, but I don't think I did. I think the problem was it was repetitive in its format. So it started out with peas and rice up the nose, and then it's funny because you've already done it. Yes. And then when you do the second bit about getting your dick stuck in a machine, it's the same twist. Once again, you have already done that before. So you've got to get rid of the

first setup punchline. Otherwise, it's not a misdirection. And I would change peas to beans to make it more realistic. Maybe hit him with like throw a few beans up there. It's got to be like he stuck peas and rice up his nose. Beans.

Beans and rice. Beans and rice up his nose. And that's so stupid. I would never do something that dumb. Right. And you go, this is the type of kid who's going to get his dick stuck in a vending machine. Trust me, I would know. See, at that point, you're not stupid anymore.

Oh, okay. There you go. Louis Castile, you're not stupid anymore. There you go. Louis Castile. That's a tag. There you go. Tag it. No faggot on that one. He got it. L-faggot. It's a whole new bit. Los faggot. We changed everything that was in that bit. Here's what we do.

I used to have a bit about, it's completely different. Just take this one. I don't do my act anymore. And to be honest, if we've learned anything from Carlos Mencia, it's that a Spanish accent is going to make this a lot funnier. Yeah. So, all right. Awesome.

The random pick from Rick Ingram. Yeah, when he said peas, I was really turned off by the idea of somebody eating peas and rice. Yeah, that's fucking weird. He does that. Yeah, it didn't make any sense. And peas smell terrible, so how would they ever go up your nose? Yeah. Right.

Actually, it would be more likely if he was like, yeah, my brother was letting someone pee in his nose. Right. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that would have been weird. That would have been weird. That would have been a big twist. See, for a second, I looked down. I thought that said Kenny Loggins, but it says Kenny Lion. Faux restaurants.

I think that's where we're going to go. I'm excited about this. I like it. Faux restaurants. I like a good bowl of faux. Yeah. Fucking Ken Griffey Jr. That shit.

Turn the hat backwards. Folks, y'all know about these faux Vietnamese restaurants? Pho? I like them. I was walking last week. I saw one with a unique name by the name of Pho-tastic. Next day, I saw another faux restaurant by the name Pho-bulus. I was kicking it in Compton because I was going to get some weed.

Saw a Pho restaurant that just opened by the name of Pho-real? There's one in Compton, Crenshaw everyone Excuse me By the name of Full Show It's one opening in Hollywood By the name of Full Life Alright motherfuckers y'all don't like your shit

Wow Okay I was hoping for like 20 or 30 more. There was already a lot of tags. But the only one he missed was... Oh! I think you should foget about five of those tags. He might even be a foget.

Hard to say. A dick-sucking foget. I love that when you get into why you were going to Crenshaw, it has to be because that's where you buy your weed. Yeah, that's racist. Very racist. You know that you can just get a medical card now. You don't have to...

Right. I mean, that's a long, dangerous trip. But he buys his weed in 1996. Oh. Everybody knows that. That's the good shit. What's your race, by the way? Guatemalan.

Mexico's Mexico. It's a Dave Taylor classic. I can't act like that's mine. That is a DT classic. But for ladies, it's still a mystery. I know you guys were a little confused. But for ladies, I could be whatever you want me to be. I could be whatever you want me to be.

What the fuck is this guy doing right now? I'm pretty sure he just gave a plug for his penis. Yeah. He was like, you know what? This didn't go over well, but I'm still going to try and get some pussy. So while I'm in the spotlight. Oh, my God. He's doing that.

I guess that's an international. It doesn't matter Border to border That one is eating pussy Let's get him Let's get him away from us He's creeping me out now There you go everybody Kenny Lyon

Kenny Lyon You know how much better That would have been If that was Kenny Loggins I can't believe That's what Kenny Lyon Looks like

Me neither Not what I was expecting We believe that's what Kenny Lyon looks like. Me neither. Not what I was expecting. We should rename that dude Kenny Lyon. Yeah. He could be Kenny Lyon. Lyon-o. Travis Travers. What's a whiter name?

Kenny Lyon, Taylor Dean, or Skyler from earlier? Remember the black guy? I like that Skyler's just one name, like Sinbad. Skyler. Skyler. What. I like that Skyler's just one name, like Sinbad. Skyler. What do we have? Oh. Alright, so our next lovely contestant

will be Mike Stanley with Quit Drinking. Here he is. Very unique name. He's got a comedian hat on. Mike Stanley. How's it going, everybody? And the comedian jacket. East Coast.

Go. You guys ever get so drunk at the end of the night you think you're looking at a menu at a Denny's, but it turns out you're sitting on your toilet looking at a picture of a sandwich on Instagram calling your girlfriend waitress for 20 minutes? Don't call your girlfriend waitress for 20 minutes don't don't call your

girlfriend waitress that's me and she's uh she's an actress they hate that i uh i quit drinking actually it's been two years since i had a drop of alcohol two years thank you thank you ugly chicks are pissed it's like sorry i'm not taking the potion that fixes your face anymore. That's the thing. When you quit drinking, you've got no scapegoat anymore. You've got nothing to blame anything on. No one's ever blamed a one-night stand on being drowsy. No one's ever had too much soup and thrown a trash can through the windshield of a squad car.

If I piss the bed now, I'm fucked. I've got no one to blame that on. If I do it at a friend's house, that's even worse. What am I going to say? Oh, I left the window open. Wolves must have jumped in, pissed all over your comforter and just my crotch. They were very selective about the territory they were marking. Last time I got super drunk, I was hanging out with my high school buddies, and I was just like, wow, I cannot wait until you guys graduate.

Three more years, you guys hang in there. I'm Mike Stanley. Thanks, guys. Hell yeah. There you go. That was misdirection. That was so good. I think somebody should buy this guy a shot right now. Take him off. Start drinking right now to celebrate?

One. Wolf urine. Very strong smell. I don't know why I'm thanking you for that. So, comparison. Wolf urine Very strong smell Thanks I don't know why I'm thanking you for that So comparison Just Thank you I'm aware

That's the colon I invented Very odorous urine For you So congrats on that How long have you been doing comedy Mike? 11 years Holy shit Yeah

And you agreed to do a one minute spot On a podcast In the belly room Well when you start somewhere else And then you come out here Your credits don't fucking transfer. You know what I mean? It's like you come from a shitty college.

You've got to come from a place like Fort Wayne, Indiana where people have respect. I've played that room that he talked about. You've been to Snickers? And they wouldn't have me back. They wouldn't have me back. So you're banned from Snickers in Fort Wayne? Yeah. I mean, that should get you spots.

I got chopped from Snickers. This is what it looks like when you get chopped from Snickers, everybody. I would just go into clubs and be like, look looks like when you get chopped from Snickers, everybody. How do you not get spots elsewhere? I would just go into clubs and be like, look, I don't have a manager or agent, but they don't let me perform in Snickers in Fort Wayne. What about Butterfingers? I'd be like, oh, so you've got material. We've got 10 minutes minimum for you right now. What did you have to do to not be able to perform again at Snickers?

What they do there is, I don't know if you've, uh, here's what happens. The guy who owns it also tries to do a talk show at the beginning of it, a cable access talk show. Always successful. Yeah. So he has people who write for him just like the shittiest one liners and stuff like that.

And he films it and then puts it on public access. So he needs the comedians to be as clean as possible. And, uh, yeah, they booked me for a weekend. I worked there. I sold a bunch of stuff. I had a great weekend and he was like, you were great. And then I found out from the, the book Yeah, they booked me for a weekend. I worked there. I sold a bunch of stuff.

I had a great weekend. He was like, you were great. Then I found out from the booker, they were like, you're too blue for his TV show. I didn't fit for the cable access show that he was filming, so they wouldn't have me back. Whoa, hold on.

You're telling me there's a cracker or Snickers TV show? No, there's a cracker who runs Snickers. Yeah, that's about right. How is the Snickers TV show not taking off there's a cracker who runs Snickers. Yeah, that's about right. How is the Snickers TV show not taking off? They're giving fucking TV shows to that dude from SNL, and the owner of Snickers already has a format figured out that we all would love?

Wow. So you have to be a guest on the show, or does he interview local people? No, you're there to do the show as a comedian, like a normal weekend, like a Wednesday through Saturday, and then he just takes parts of your act and puts it on his cable access show. Oh, okay, I see.

Yeah. Wow, that's fucking a nightmare. Which is crazy that he couldn't find three minutes of material out of my act because I was doing like 45, and he couldn't just take three minutes from my act and put it in there. Jesus.

Who is the guy that has performed at Snickers before? He left. He left out of here, yeah. Well, he's probably crawling back to Snickers

as we speak because he's done in the belly room. Thank you so much. Great format. I love this, by the way. This is great. It's good to meet you guys.

We'll try and get you real spots because you seem professional. Thanks, man. Oh, yeah, Mike. Thanks, man. Good to meet you. Fuck yeah.'ll try and get you real spots because you seem professional. Thanks, man. Hell yeah, Mike. Thanks, man. Good to meet you, man. Fuck yeah.

That was awesome. That's like a legitimate Philadelphia comedian outfit. I mean, that is really the comedian getup. So are you going to have like a semi-final round? Are you picking like a winner or are we just going through this? No, I didn't really think of that. I was just sort of thinking about flying. I don't think there are winners in today's contest.

Yeah, but maybe we could get like four weeks of winners and they have to like kiss each other or something on stage. That wouldn't be bad. Maybe elephant walk, the top three from each week. Yeah. I think Taylor Dean would love that idea. What do you think? He's going to murder us.

Chaz Lion. Now I know what that outfit is. Never mind. I was going to say that movie. Remember? The American Psycho movie? Let's just go down this lineup because extra work is the topic. And the name is really the joke.

We're talking to Andrew Yanker. Wow. Get Mr. Yanker up here. There he is. Oh, he's got a B.J. Bales face. I like him already. Oh, my God, absolutely. How you guys doing tonight?

I moved to Hollywood to be an actor. Yeah, but currently my car is getting more work than I am, guys. They're like, I go to auditions. I go to auditions. Hi-oh! I go to auditions and they're like, oh, Red Jetta, you can come back in a few hours. We're going to need that car.

But I'm making a little progress. I was in a photo shoot yesterday, and they told me to get out of the shot. They were like, what the fuck are you doing here, man? You're supposed to be in the background. I fucking love you. That was amazing. That was amazing. You're like half human half demon if Dave Matthews

had sex with a demon you would be it's child I love how you keep looking at your own reflection in the mirror that's over here you can still do it I'm sorry you don't have to look down like that I wouldn't change anything about anything I absolutely love it it's like a real misdirect

because the amazing part of his misdirects are that you never truly think he's about to go where he's about to go. And he goes there. He did go there, though. So it's almost like... And you told us the joke, and they kind of laughed like,

that's not funny at all. And then after that, then you were like, you threw in another little tag then. It was like, yeah. And then they laughed like, that's not funny at all. And then after that, you threw in another little tag then. Yeah. Then they were like, the Jetta can come back. It didn't work though. But the beginning, his first sentence

gave a sense of foreshadowing almost. I'm an actor. The setup was pretty good. What was the first sentence? His car's getting more work than he is. He's an actor. Oh.

Actor. Yeah. So he's an actor, and then the car's getting more work. Where are you from? From New York City. New York City. Holy shit. He's from New York City.

Wow. Well, if you ever want to go to a real city, Fort Wayne, Indiana. That's where the best of the best started. And other than L.A., it's the only place that has a real comedy scene. So forget about your country roads of New York City. And yeah, I don't know what to say.

Yanker, I think you're unbelievable. How long have you been doing stand-up in Los Angeles? Six months. Yanker. Fuck. You seem like he should be one of the characters from that movie Stripes. Were you in the military? Have you ever been kicked out of the military because you might be a little off kilter?

I went to a military camp and they didn't like me too much there. Fuck, military camp. How old were you when you went to military camp? 14. Wow.

Did you get sent there? Yeah, my dad sent me there. What does your dad do for a living? Why is your dad such a fucking dick? Your dad's a lawyer? Yeah. What did you do

to get sent to military camp? I didn't get straight A's. That was it? Oh, my God. Isn't this the plot to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? It is. Can one of the serial killers who performed earlier go kill this guy's dad? We need to set him free.

Unchain this man's mind, because I think it's going somewhere special. You're fucking hilarious. Thank you so much. That's a tagget. Weanker, you're fucking hilarious. Thank you so much. Yeah. That's a tagget. We're not even going to tag it. That's a keep it exactly the same. What I liked about him, like there was a slight creepy thing to him, but not

like child molester creepy. He's the type of guy that might molest a child molester. He's a child molester molester. So in a way, he's doing good. Yeah, it's like Dexter, but totally gross.

He's the kid raping Dexter. He can only blow a load if it's on a pedophile. Yeah. Oh, you've touched kids before? Hello. Yanker. I mean, that's obviously

going to be the name of the show. Yanker. How are we doing on time? I think we have time for maybe two more. Let's do two more quickie ones. Fuck yeah. All right. You guys having fun out there?

Wow. Okay. Do you want to pick one? Just go for it. Okay. I'm interested. Wait, is there any girls? No girls. No girls.

No girl is going to allow us to make fun of her. No, they wanted to see what was going to happen in the first one and feel it out. We need someone that we can objectify. Do you want to do a minute? Yes. There we go. Yeah. Whoa.

That's how fast it happens. Some estrogen up in this party. That's right. Pussy power. Fuck yeah. Okay. Pussy power. I've been on stage like three times, so.

Perfect. That's two more than most of the comedians tonight. So I'm sure you can tell by the way I look. I went to school for video game design. Which means I'm sure you can tell by the way I look. I went to school for video game design, which means I'm unemployed, like most others. It's basically like the 2010s version of an English degree, which means you're not going to go anywhere in your life.

I fucking suck at this, you guys. I want to tag it. Stay in the pocket. Stay in the pocket. It's not that kind of tagging. Slow the fuck down. This isn't a bag it and tag it. Don't fucking pound each other.

That's hilarious. No, settle down. Settle down. You relax. She's got attitude now. She does. I like it better when she's just yelling at you guys. She's like Silver Lake Tina Fey.

It's a compliment. I'm going to take that as a compliment. It is. I view her as intelligent and also hot. Absolutely. So that works. And you don't have the scar. And you don't have the scar.

There you go. That's the key. I can tell she has big areolas. It's like saucers. Yeah. Silver dollar nipples. As soon as I take my shirt off, I just start singing Jimmy Crack Corn.

Yeah. Damn. I can tell. I don't even know if that's a racist reference or not, but I hope it is. What's your name, by the way, since you're not on this list? Right.

Sarah Mostajabi. We're not going to repeat that. Wow. If you say it three times, something happens. Sarah, most hijabi. My dad comes out of the mirror and tries to choke you with a gold chain. Holy shit. There we go.

You should have opened with that. I know. Yeah, exactly. Gold chain choking fathers? Yes. I'm half Persian. I'm a day walker, though. I can get to the airport.

A day walker? Wow. That's very close to a Canadian racial slur I like. Ice walker. Just thought I'd point it out. I don't know what that's about. Oh, nice. Half Persian, half what, by the way?

I don't know. Europe got together, raped some Cherokees, and turned into this. Fuck yeah. Wow. Raped Cherokees? Yeah, I'm German-Irish and a little bit of Indian. That means like... Listen, hey, everyone's so Indian.

We're not filling out scholarship forms. We don't have to pretend to be Indian, okay? Some of us can just be normal white people with no native blood whatsoever. I'm spiritual too is what I was trying to tell you. Oh, okay. Well, that's cool then. So could you like not decide what you wanted to do

with like long hair, short hair? It's the modern mullet. No, my hair is cut like lightning from Final Fantasy XIII. I know, Final Fantasy XIII. It's like a video game. So you're a real video game. That's why you wanted to tag it immediately. Actually, I just forgot because it made me nervous,

but most of what my bits are about is how I discovered my vibrating controller with Final Fantasy because it's a true story. Oh, God. God, why are you shaking? I got to summon Odin again. Yeah. Hey, I got to show you my, I got this video game called Rev,

I think it was called. Rez. Ah, yes. We just talked about this. You can attach it to your wrist. Yeah, you can also put it in your asshole. It's pretty fucking great. I'm sure you'll like it.

I mean, I was at home masturbating, playing Pokemon like every other 13-year-old boy, so I was really happy. Jesus. Pikachu. Yeah. Pokemon. My God. I feel like we're just in the middle of, like, we're sitting here in between destiny.

Absolutely. I think she's going to be a huge star. I think you've got to change your last name. It's a little bit aggressive. Either that or use it as an opener. Mr. Jabby. Then you could do the gold chain dad thing. Maybe show some nipples.

Jesus Christ. Just so you know, I don't want you to feel objectified. He's done this to every comedian he brought up here tonight. He loves nipples. If only I get kicked out of Snickers, right? How long have you been doing...

You've only done it a few times? This is my fourth time on a stage. She's already doing callbacks. Did you hear that Snickers reference just now? No, I missed it. She fucking crushed it. You're at level three, even though you've only been on stage four times. I know, I'm really good at leveling up.

You're already... I bet she fuck you've only been on stage four times. I know. I'm really good at leveling up. You're already. I bet she fucks better than all of us. Definitely. I get all the pussy. You've only been on stage three times, and you're already the seventh funniest female in the country. So congratulations. Give it up for Sarah, everybody. Sarah.

Sarah. We have time for one more. We got one more. That is never going to be able to. Sarah. We have time for one more. We got one more that is never going to be able to follow Sarah. She looks like a hot Barry Melrose with that haircut. Sorry in advance to any comedians who didn't get on. It was an experimental adventure. I've had fun. What does that say, Tony?

That says Junior Seah and that says aid. I think it says aid dating site. An AIDS dating site? Does someone have a bit about an AIDS dating site? Yeah, that's Tim. That is Tim. Is Tim here? Tim Greer?

Is it an AIDS dating site? Alright, Tim Greer. The best of the best. If it was at a dating site, we were going to go with Junior Seah, but since it's AIDS. I got to know. Fuck yeah, great. So, this is the thing. I'm going to start a website for people that have AIDS.

I feel bad for them. What I'm going to do, I'm going to call it Date AIDS. Date AIDS, think about it. It's benefits of having an AIDS dating website. You can tell within a 50-mile radius who has AIDS. Like that beautiful woman you see jogging down the street, you're going to think differently when you see that bitch's profile on date aids. Like, nope. You're burnt.

Like, serious. I mean, but that's, look, there's benefits, though. Okay, if you want to commit suicide and you just really want to give the fuck up, this could be better than the suicide hotline. Like, for real, it could. Like, fuck you. Go on Data Age, you know, find you a good profile. Call her up.

Hey, how long you have to live? What you doing tonight? Like, seriously, that's a good thing. But, hey, that's my Data Age. That's a really funny premise. Funny premise. Yeah. Hmm. That's my day to AIDS. That's a really funny premise. Funny premise. Yeah.

One, I feel like you ignore the science of the fact that people don't just drop dead of AIDS anymore. There is just medication for it. Right. So that, you know, there's not necessarily going to be an expiration date for everyone with AIDS. Did you know that us three had AIDS? Because that also is somewhat. You guys can have the first three profiles. We can even like plug them in. He tagged it.

I love it. There you go. That's a tag. He tagged that one. And an AIDS dating site, maybe throw in like it's called ChristianMingle.com or something like that. Oh, yeah. There you go. There you go. There you go.

Or just, you know, something that would really offend people and at the same time make everyone else really happy. Right. Yeah. But you're really going to have to try to T-cell this idea. Nice. Wow. See, now, just so people know, had it been the racist

Rich Slayton up here, instead of Christian Mingle, I would have said blackpeoplemeet.com. But I didn't want to sound racist myself. Nice. Black guy said it was funny.

We're in. Hell yeah. Okay, yeah. Light-skinned don't count. Hell yeah. This guy's starting out, he's going against the light-skinned. Not only did he steal the East Coast Comedian's comedy jacket, but... By the way, for those of you who have only been on stage less than five times,

get the black leather jacket and start being a comedian today. You're going to see this guy in two weeks wearing the same hat as the guy that's been doing it 11 years. There's no doubt about it. All right. Thanks, man. That was fun. I have one more question for you, Tim. Nobody.

Because you made a comment about light-skinned earlier who said that people call it light-skinned. Black people call it that because they have bad grammar. What would be your reasoning as to why it's called light-skinned, black people call it that because they have bad grammar. What would be your reasoning as to why it's called light-skinned with two Ds? They're trying to fully extend the light-skinned, you know, to really show you how light they are. Emphasizing. It's a light thing, yeah. Emphasizing, yes.

So it's just to rub it in deeper. You're so much lighter, we have to say it incorrectly deeper. You're so much lighter. We have to say it incorrectly. You're light-skinned. Damn. Also, I don't know if this is racist, but are you related to David Allen Greer? No, I wish.

Fair enough. I wish I was too. There he goes, everybody. Give it up for Tim Greer. Fuck yeah. You got to extend it. I'm going to use that. I'm going to use that. I'm going to just add EDs onto things I want to emphasize. What can white people do that with?

I don't know. I think if we said, oh, that Greek guy is dark-skinned, that shit would be racist as fuck. Right. At least it sounds that way. Because they'd be like, why do you have to say it like that? And I'd be like, well, because I'm racist against Greek people. They're filthy animals. But really, that's what they're being, right?

Couldn't one say that it's racist to make fun of lighter skinned? Well, yeah, but it's not racist to be black people. They can do whatever they want. That's the rule. so that's it on uh comics right brian yeah i think we should uh we have another podcast coming up that we have awesome hey does that do you guys wonder what it feels like to be one of the people who didn't make it on to tonight's show twice in a row yeah yeah there's people waiting around they're like oh i'm next I'm next.

I'm next. And now? How many more do we have? Did anybody sign up that didn't get on here or downstairs? Those are the people who got fucked. Henson, that's who I want to talk to. He's got a Junior Seahawks bit. Here's Kyle Henson, everybody.

Oh, yeah. The great experiment continues with Kyle Henson with his bit Junior Seau. Thank you. Thank you. Tony, awesome podcast. Congratulations. Point. That's not going to help you.

Junior Seau died. Sad. Oh. I found out on Facebook. What happened to the good days you used to find out somebody died from a reputable source like TMZ? I don't believe it, though i go to wikipedia it says junior seo shot himself in the chest like fuck if you point the gun this way you're probably gonna die that got me a little bit more curious like guys how much do the saints pay for hall of famer suicides some people don't get that joke i understand and other people are just butt hurt like patrick swayze

or a kid in a penn state locker room joe paterno means no thank you guys i'm kyle henson my favorite part of that set was when a lady in the middle of the audience just goes

what the good old days of TMZ what like you understand protocol for how comedy shows work

and at the same time you felt it was important enough that you question his joke mid bit the rest of us thought the same thing we were just able to keep it in you felt it was important enough that you question his joke mid-bit. The rest of us thought the same thing.

We were just able to keep it in. What did you say before the Paterno thing? Oh, Patrick. So you took a shot at Patrick Swayze. Yeah, for no reason either. Why would he be butthurt? He died of colon cancer. No, he died of pancreatic cancer. I was the first one to write the

joke about it. Wait, hold on. You were the first person to write the pancreatic joke about Patrick Swayze? As soon as he... Here's what's crazy about this situation. As soon as he got pancreatic cancer, I know that that's one of the fastest moving cancers,

so I'm like, I need to write the first Patrick Swayze is dead joke because it's going to be big for me in a month. I was really my favorite thing is always to be the one that tries to like attack whoever dies and then listen to the right. I try to write something funny about it and then listen. Everybody go, oh, you didn't do it. It's too soon. Nobody. Right. You love.

So I was literally working out in the comedy showroom, downstairs in the original room for a month, Patrick Swayze is dead jokes. And it was the first joke that I ever sold. I made $100 off of my Patrick Swayze joke. It was pancreatic cancer. Are you allowed to say it? No.

It's not. Well, basically, it was pretty. No, I shouldn't say it. You have one minute to tell us the joke. Oh, no? Okay. It's not... Well, basically, it was pretty... I shouldn't say it, but... You have one minute to tell us the truth. Oh, no? Okay. The gist was Ghost 2. This time it's for real.

Great punchline. If some of these comics had your punchlines, maybe this will be a good fucking... Andrew Yanker. I'm trying to get that guy to write for me. I'm telling you, I'm trying to get that guy to finger bang me. Yanker was fucking... Andrew Yanker. I'm trying to get that guy to write for me. I'm telling you, I'm trying to get that guy to finger bang me. Yanker was fucking...

You want a Yanker in your stanker? Sorry, everybody. Yanker in the stanker. Fuck yeah. Alright, wow. Well, my minute kicked ass. It was better than the not three that I got downstairs. You made someone's night.

This is it. I don't have to work anymore. So much comedy heat right now. You could iron your shirt with it. I probably should. We really should have let Sarah headline. Oh, definitely. The last two were.

We know that one. We'll have Sarah on next week. The last two. We know that one for next. We'll have Sarah on next week. The follow up. Kyle will never have you on again. Thanks a lot. This was this was the big shot. Yeah.

It's over. Yeah. But thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Fun. Oh, yeah. What's that?

What was that? What's this? Is that a faggot or a taggot? He was light-skinned. That was for emphasis. All right, we can do one more, but this is the last one and we have to do it real fast. Here we go, then. How about the guy named Slopez? I just

got to go with that. Slopez? State Ohio joke. Slopez? I just got to go with that. Slopez? State Ohio joke. Slopez? I'm assuming that's a possibly retarded person with the last name Lopez. Slopez. Well, it's too slow for that. A retarded Hispanic person. He didn't make it.

How about... Named Slopez. No? All right, let's just end this show. Gay roommate, do it. Ingram, where can people find you? People can find me wandering around the streets of Sherman Oaks. Online Twitter, at Rick Ingram.

And you just made the very hilarious show called The Rick Ingram Experience. He's so funny that he calls out people in the crowd and he interviews them as his actual guests. Instead of bringing in celebrities, he just brings up people from the crowd and turns these strangers into hilarious interviews, and it's unbelievable. They can check that out. Where on? Yeah, this summer they're going to release,

and they're not out yet, but this summer they should be released on, will be out on YouTube at least. Awesome. Rick Ingram Experience. I'm sure that'll be the start of something huge. Also, I have a podcast called Embrace the Hate that is not as racist as it sounds. Sounds awesome.

Embrace the Hate. Well, fuck yeah. Well, thank you so much for being a part of this. It's been a real pleasure. Again, those hipsters were right. This shit's the bomb. Well, raise the roof. We'll be doing this every week at 8 p.m.

Hell yeah. It's going to be a whole new thing. Thanks to the Death Squad fans that came out and made it tonight. You guys are awesome. Hell yeah. Laney and Jerry are here. Kato Kaelin. Josh Meyerowitz up there.

Oh, he's my favorite, completely normal person. Shout out to David Pierce. David Pierce and all the creepy lawyers. All the creepy lawyers that sent Andrew Yanker to military camp. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe on Twitter. Thanks, Red Band.

Thank you. All right, stay tuned for the Ding Dong Show. Hell yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe on Twitter. Thanks, Red Band. Thank you. All right, stay tuned for the Ding Dong Show. Hell yeah. I'm going wild for the night. Fuck being polite. I'm going wild for the night. Fuck being polite. I'm going wild for the night. you