KILL TONY - KILL TONY #10

Episode Date: August 21, 2013

Sam Tripoli, Ari Shaffir, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 08/05/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please subscribe to us on iTunes and Stitcher. And don't forget to check out ShopSquad.tv for the official Death Squad shirt that is now shipping. This is the third shirt and people are already talking about it on Twitter and sending me photos. You guys love it. I'm glad you guys love it. Also, me and Tony will be in Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday, September 26th at 8 p.m. Tickets are on sale at StandUpLive.com. And this is a new announcement.

Tickets haven't gone on sale yet, and it's not officially announced yet, but you might see us the following day in Columbus, Ohio. More details soon. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store. How are you guys doing today? This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe.

There's a banana here. Hi, everybody. Hi, everyone. Fuck yeah, How exciting. Another fun episode of Kill Tony lined up. How exciting. You ran in here. It seemed like you were flustered.

What happened? There's this thing with this door in this top aisleway in which people come in and it becomes too much of a hangout a little bit because it's the tightest hallway ever. And sometimes it just gets overcrowded. So right then I was convincing the people that were still there. They're like, oh, okay, so we should all go in now. I'm like, you know what?

It would just be better if you go downstairs down the hallway and then back up the stairs that way. There's those people right now. Oh, so you're like a little wet hot dog running down a hallway of comics. Right. They wanted to come in behind me like some kind of miniature army that just is passing through. Like a gay parade. Yeah, something like that.

It's exciting. It was another interesting weekend of doing comedy. We hung out on Friday, did the Ice House Chronicles. That was a chill night. It was another interesting weekend of doing comedy We hung out on Friday Did the Ice House Chronicles That was a chill night We didn't do a podcast We just hung out and smoked too much weed Did weird sets

It was fun Had some fun, experimented Saturday, three spots Wow, that's a lot of comedy in one night I did two spots here And then before that I did a spot at Inside Jokes, which is a movie theater turned into a stand-up comedy club. And it's very fucking cool. It's interesting because it's the best of both worlds.

It works out because, in my opinion, the psychology of an audience member for stand-up comedy is to... Is somebody fucking knocking on that door? Now that's going to be the new thing. Now that we closed the door, now people are going to start... I have no room. Let's see what's going on here. Sons of bitches.

What are they, idiots? Comedy show. Oh, so you just thought to come on the stage of the comedy show in the middle of a show. Who's this douchebag? I don't know, man. Come on in, douchebag. Come on in. Just sit down, I guess.

Come on. It's kind of uncomfortable, you know, knocking on the door during a show. Hey, knock, knock. Who's there? Shouldn't have been you. All right. You must be deaf. Just go fucking sit down, man.

Just keep walking, bro. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? All right. Go back out. Come on. Patriot. Patriot.

Activate all forces. We need to shut this door. Excuse me. Shutting door of comedy show. What the fuck was that all about? It's like a dramatic Monday. What's that guy's name?

Was that one of those romantic rom-cons? Was that a rom-con? He seemed super just... Tony, I'm sorry. I forgot the security? I forgot the security was right. Listen, let me explain, though. Once I get in position with my mic,

I really don't like to move around because, you know, it's just I'm in position. I've done the sound check. You know, I'm not trying to be a lazy security or anything, but I'm just, you know... I need to get you mace. I mean, I could walk all over this motherfucker, but once I get in position, I don't think it's good for me to be walking all around and maybe tripping on a court or something.

Should we get him a cane? I'm in position now. I'm ready to go, you know? So don't think I'm a lazy security. I mean, this is my first security job, though, I will admit. First of all, everybody, Iron Patriot is here again. The head of security. of all, everybody, Iron Patriot is here again. The head of security.

That's him inside that suit. He has to make those noises with his mouth and the sound comes out of his chest. Yes. From the diaphragm, actually. Any good vocal coach will tell you it needs to come from the diaphragm.

Somebody's knocking. I know. What the fuck? Fucking unbelievable. Josh, second head of security. Also, lead singer of LMFAO, Josh Martin. Almost as immobile as the Iron Man. Oh, it's just the guest of the show.

Holy shit. Look who it is. Guys, give it up to Sam Tripoli. Sam Tripoli is here, everybody. Open the door. Open the fucking door. First key to comedy, guys. Open the door.

The Kill Tony guest, so nice. We've had him on twice. Yeah, you're a crowd favorite. Actually, I think you got the best response of any of our Kill Tonys. Oh, that's great. People love my killing of Tony. Good Tony killing.

And from me as well. I mean, you were immediately... I mean, I had so much fun last time you were here. Someone else joining us? There's a slight chance we might have a pop-in from one of our friends at some point. Oh, excellent. If you know what we mean.

No, with you, who knows what that means? I popped boner pills in San Diego in honor of you. Oh, really? What kind? Did you get black power? I don't know. I just went down there and said, big junk, and had some guy grinding on a chick, and I'm like, I'll take two of those.

Did it work? I didn't get a real woody on stage. I was hoping to pop mean boners right there. Oh, you have to wait at least 45 minutes to an hour, depending on what you eat and your hydration level. If you have at least two or three waters before you even try one, you have to at least give it an extra hour. Really? Yeah.

So you're saying be more dehydrated when you want papamene boner? Yes. Oh, my God. Fun facts. Fun facts. Be dehydrated and take boner pills. That just doesn't sound healthy. And throw them in the freezer.

It sounds like Bone Tony, not Kill Tony podcast. Okay. What the fuck? Drink up on that Red Bull, man. You need to hear that's Popeye drinking his spinach right there. He's about to crush after that sip. No. The Iron Patriot is here.

I thought he was running late today. I was so concerned. I ran out to the front because he wasn't here. I thought he was running late today. I was so concerned. I ran out to the front because he wasn't here. Turns out he takes an interesting path here because somehow he got in here and passed me by at the same time.

What does it smell like in there? I have an undersuit that I can wash. It's made of Coolmax. It's got moisture management. I wash it just like clothing So asshole, smells like asshole Like a normal person working out But the helmet and the speaker

That's attached to the helmet That has to retain some sweat, some moisture Sometimes I mean I like to get up I get up on my microphone Hey Sam, I mentioned you in last week's episode Oh thank you Remember that guy that went

to jail for two years for molly yeah and you suggested that he should get on that subject yes he ignored you and i brought it to his attention i said sam told you he didn't talk about the molly at all that's an asshole can you believe that shit yeah nope you mean somebody didn't listen to me in this town? That's fucking new. This never happened. Ever. This is a quiet crowd. So far.

What are you guys here for? Jury selection? What are you guys doing? We're easing into it. We just had an incident with Jacob's Ladder or whatever. Jacob's Lake. What is Dawson's Creek? It's Dawson Creek guy tried to come out through the back door.

What's his name? Yeah, James Vanderby. Thank you. How did you even get that from what I just said? That's Asperger's at its finest right there. Joshua Meyerowitz, everybody. It's a fine line between Asperger's and Wikipedia.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, I didn't understand. So there was a douchebag that came up before you and started knocking on the door. And then you sent the smallest guy in the room to see who's at the door? That's a comedy store.

And then the Iron Patriot explained that even though he's my head of security, he can't move away from the microphone now that we've put one near his chest. Well, I just don't like to. Like, once it gets in place, I kind of like to just be here. I don't want to be wandering all around. So if someone's getting raped to the corner, you don't want to fucking get

out of mic cell. I'm trying to get them to show business. I mean, security's just a side thing. I'm here to entertain. Ha ha ha. You see me on Twitter, I'm blowing up right now. Wow. I didn't know Hollywood could get to the head of somebody that's wearing a steel helmet. You know what would be great to see is the Iron Patriot in a dating advice show,

where you get a couple together that are fighting nonstop and just have them in the middle of it. Yeah. Blacklisting relationships. Yeah. Well. We should explain the rules if you haven't been here before. Who hasn't been here before?

Wow, there's a lot. Wow. A lot of noobs. A lot of noobies. We're packing the house. Shit's blown up. How many people are just audience members here? That's cool.

That's cool. That's good. I love how you were afraid to raise your hand. You have tiny hands. It's so hot. Look at that. My dick would be huge in those hands. So we pretty much pick out of this bucket here.

People sign up. Yeah. Yet again this week another record number of sign-ups. Really? It's becoming in the Hollywood comedy community. There's buzz on the streets.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. The kids are talking. They're saying at the comedy store Mondays are the new Friday. Huge. Death Squad doubleheader in the new Friday. Huge. Death Squad doubleheader in the belly room. Death Squad doubleheader.

So how have things been with you? Punch Drunk's good. Naughty Show's great. Playboy Radio. We got our biggest numbers three weeks in a row. Our numbers just keep going boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I don't know what it is, but out of nowhere they've just exploded, which is kind of cool. Then I just played San Diego

Three out of four shows sold out Boom Which was great And I have this weird thing When I do stand I don't know what it is I don't know if you guys Gone through it

Probably not But I do this thing Where like I have this thing Where like If I have a great set A great set Where you get off stage

You're like Man I crushed it Nobody talks to me. But the minute I have some fucking Rocky set where I forget half the punchline, line out the door to thank me for the great show. It fucks with my head,

man. That's why I have a drug problem. I can't sense what the fuck's going on. I can't. I mean, dude, I'll slaughter. I got all these lesbians giving me standing O's. Nobody comes up and says anything to me. Wow. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

It is bizarre. It was like World War Z. They were just trying to fucking fly out the door. Like nothing. Right. And you almost remember them from when you were on stage. You remember what they look like and everything. And you're sort of looking out of this group of people.

You're like, where are those cool people that I liked? But those people jet. Laughing, half a standing O's. Things go great. Nothing after. They get it and they go. Weird pockets of stairs. People looking at their watches. Lying out the door and think, ask me to run for mayor

of San Diego. But that's also a compliment if they leave that fast. That means that, you know, they're the smartest people. They're beating everybody else traffic. Right. So you're...

Because that place is piling out. If you look at it from a certain angle, one could say... Yeah. That's a good way to look at it. My fans love me, but not more than traffic.

So that's a great feeling to have. It's a smart crowd. We'd like you, but we want to get home within an hour. Oh, shit. You live by that fucking Hollywood Bowl. I don't know.

If you guys don't know. The only people fucking at the Hollywood Bowl are homeless people, and they do it all the time. It's bullshit because I actually went online, went to the website, looked at the schedule. It says closed Mondays. I'm like, all right. Better my double check. Go to the calendar. Monday. Nothing. Fucking fish concert tonight. Looked at the schedule Says closed Mondays I'm like alright Better my double check Go to the calendar Monday

Nothing Fucking fish concert tonight Can I get stuck In 40 minutes Of fish concert That should be Against the law Why is there not

A Hollywood Bowl Yes or no website It just says yes Go Drive I completely agree with you It used to be Mondays are off

All the time Now it's every day And it's not just It's not just at night They now do something During the time now it's every day and it's not just it's not just at night they now do something during the day so it's kids day in the morning right drug addicts at night it should be illegal to have a major fucking concert place smacked in the middle of the heart of hollywood like that a fish concert but i think the hollywood bowl has been here for so long that Hollywood has kind of developed around it. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, but wah, move it. It shouldn't be right off the Hollywood. You and your facts, boo. Make it a fucking museum for fucking something. The Hollywood Bowl shouldn't be right at Hollywood and Highland. It should be somewhere a little bit less remote. Like where? Chatsworth?

That'd be really weird if they had the Hollywood Bowl in Chatsworth. I don't know. I think it should be farther in that ghetto near Vine. Anyway. Try to sneak that one in there, but thanks for the complete silence on the retort. Don't worry, dude. So far, it's been silence.

Let's talk more traffic. All right. Who's ready to start this fucking thing? You know what we do. You know what we do. You get one minute. You'll hear a cat sound at one minute. It sounds like this.

That means you're done. You better not run that light, or else you're going to get the big gay bear. That's the West Hollywood bear. That means you've gone too far. You are about to get banned from the club, as Bobby Lee would say. That would be fucking ass.

It's a new thing. Bobby Lee just started laying down bannings. Month-long bannings. Who's been banned for a month? We don't know. We weren't paying attention to him. Anyway. Can I change mics?

I just want a fuzzy thing. Hell yeah. I feel more like I'm on a game show now. What was the other thing I was going to say? Oh, yeah. 60 seconds. Oh, yeah. So here we go.

We have another huge bucket of comedians. You guys ready to start this thing? It just flew out at me. That'll be the one. The one that jumped out of the bucket. The one and only Abby Roberge. Abby's got a big boxing match coming up soon. Hell yeah.

Abby's an employee here at the Comedy Store. Cold-blooded killer. Fun guy. Go ahead, Abby. So, yeah, I work here. I'm broke as fuck. I fucking just love scamming places. I know most of you guys are broke fucking comics.

Here's a scam you guys can use. Just don't go to my Chipotle and do it. What I do is I go to Chipotle, right? I get the most expensive burrito they got. I go to the checkout, and at Chipotle it takes nine seconds for your card to get declined. So if you finish your burrito in that nine seconds, it's a free burrito

as far as I'm concerned, dude. I don't know, man. My philosophy in life is, do whatever you want, just as long as you're a clean-cut white guy that's good at apologizing. You know? Yeah, that's my minute. Yeah.

It's 45. 35 seconds of man thunder. Yeah. Hardcore 35 seconds. I love that. I love what you're doing with Chipotle. There's something about Chipotle where it's like for as aggressively great as a restaurant it is,

I still don't think there's as many Chipotle jokes as there are people going to Chipotle. Does that make sense? Yes. Like I feel like there's not enough Chipotle jokes. And I'm not being sarcastic either. I know sometimes people wonder when I'm being sarcastic and when I'm not. I'm serious. I think there's more great Chipotle jokes to be had.

Maybe Chipotle's so good people don't want to piss it off. I think there is something about that. It's almost like the Oprah of the black community. That joke isn't knocking Chipotle. What's that? That joke isn't knocking Chipotle. No, I'm not saying it is. No, yeah.

You know what I love about Chipotle, and I'm pretty sure everybody can agree with me on this, is that they're the only place that if you ask them for a water cup, they give you a soda cup. Wow. You can just basically get whatever you want. They're saying just, here you go. Hey, you want a clear little water cup? You can go to McDonald's for that.

We don't do that here. Basically, free fucking soda at Chipotle. By the way, if anybody who works at Chipotle is listening to this, that will be gone by next week. There'll be a fucking national memo and all of a sudden you'll be getting fucking teardrops cups to fucking drink out. I like what you did, man. Just again, it's like trimming

fat. Yeah. Like you love to throw in little roadblocks. See, a comedy is about putting people in trances almost. It's a stream of consciousness you every time you get some going you'd make some weird kind of uh fucking fine print declaration that you felt you had to make that takes you completely out of what you're doing you know you it's about boom boom boom boom boom trimming the fat people again you know people

want to do stand up they want to because you're trying to you hey man you want to do a gig I need you to do 20 minutes You're like well I got 10 so I'll just add as much Bullshit to my 10 minutes To fill into this thing And in the long run it's going to hurt you So you got to cut that shit down It's a great premise though

And it's something that could be done on television Instantly If you just trimmed off the fucking Useless decorations you're making in it. You know that part where he said... Here we go. You know that part... Sorry, Sam.

No, it's all right. You know where you said nine seconds you had until the card got declined? Now, that's a fat burrito at Chipotle. So I don't know if you could eat much of it in nine seconds. Well, Iron Patriot, if you were a comedian, you would know that's the joke. No, I like Iron Patriot, but it's like, no, I don't want to make it about him. I love it. It's great.

It's absolutely great. Never hold back Patriot, and at the same time, we all need that either. No, I'm a big fan of yours. Sam, I'm learning a lot about comedy. I am. Oh, absolutely. It really hasn't been my – this isn't really my world. It's a new world for me, but I'm glad you guys welcomed me into the family.

Great new world. Go through the beats of it real quick. It's only 35 seconds. You can do it again. Again? Yeah. Okay. Real quick.

Yeah. It's only 35 seconds. You can do it again. Again? Yeah. Okay. So basically what I do, I go to Chipotle. I get the most expensive burrito they have, go to the checkout, and at Chipotle it takes nine seconds for your card to get declined.

So if you finish your burrito in that nine seconds, it's a free burrito. You get a free burrito. Yeah. All right. You trimmed it up right there. What's your last line that you usually say when you're a white guy? No, that's just a different joke. That could be the opening of the joke.

It's like my philosophy in life is do whatever you want just as long as you're a clean-cut white guy that's good at apologizing. Then you go into that. Example is I go to Chipotle. I fucking boom, boom, boom. And now you got to step. Do you see how you set it up? That's the beat. It puts you into place. And then you start bam, bam, boom. And now you got to step. Do you see how you set it up? That's the beat. It'll put you into place,

and then you start bam, bam, bamming it right after that. Is it six seconds or nine seconds? Nine. It's whatever. Does anyone here a doctor? Do we know the scientific facts on whether you can chow? Who gives a fuck? Because I'm thinking of a tag.

I'm not doing the Patriot. I'm not wondering if he's actually trying to finish the burrito. I don't give a shit whether he finishes the burrito or not. What I'm not wondering if he's actually trying to finish the burrito. I don't give a shit whether he finishes the burrito or not. What I'm saying, I was trying to figure it out just for shits and giggles. Yeah, it's funny and

what was I going to say? Add more to it and trim down the words that don't matter. You don't even need to say I got the most expensive burrito at Chipotle. It's too much information for what the punch actually is. You could just say, I go to Chipotle, I get a burrito.

Yeah. It takes nine seconds. Right. It takes nine seconds for your, for them to know that your cards declined. So I try to finish the burrito in nine seconds. Then there's tags to that that aren't even there yet. I have a longer form version

of it. I wasn't sure if I was going to go over the minute or not. Right. You were definitely you had 25 seconds left. You can always demagnetize your credit card so they have to type in the numbers. That's usually an extra 20 to 30 seconds.

There you go. See that? That's usually an extra 20 to 30 seconds. There you go. See that? That's what we do. The magic. Look at that. Red band. From three. Yeah, that's you. Abby Roberge. Add Abby Roberge on Twitter. Abby, good job.

Talking about Chipotle. Something about the tinfoil? I don't know. Your next comedian is Sean Dunn. Talking about Chipotle. Something about the tinfoil. I don't know. All right. Your next comedian is Sean Dunn. Here he comes. Oh, here he comes. Oh, wait a second.

It's the douchebag that came through the door. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Fuck my life. I wish I hadn't gotten called. Damn. So I'm at the age now where my parents are starting to tell me stories that they never would have told me when I was a kid, and it's disturbing.

Like recently, my dad told me this one. He's a doctor, right? And 15 years ago, he was operating this guy who happened to be HIV positive, right? The guy had AIDS. And as he's operating on him, his hand slips and he nicks his finger with a dirty scalpel and the whole room just freezes. Without any hesitation at all, he drops the dirty scalpel, grabs a clean one, and cuts out the part of his finger that he nicked. He cleans it himself, stitches it back up And goes right back to work

He's still got AIDS But that's pretty badass That's my dad right there What a warrior that man is Is that the Patriot? What was that? Are we setting a record for most AIDS references in the podcast? Was this two weeks in a row?

So far. Let's keep it going, guys. That's got to be against Book Against Record, right? Most AIDS references in the podcast? It should be up there. I think if there's one that's leading the way, it's us. As long as Greg Louganis doesn't get one, we should be good. You should have saw that episode with Bobby Lee.

Damn. A lot of them in that one in Patriot. Oh, man, we accused that guy of actually having AIDS. Well, actually, that was crazy. Now I know what you're talking about. That was intense. Yeah. Let's just not even talk about it.

We're not really going to talk about it. People can watch it. If they want to see it, they can watch it. Thanks, Patriot even talk about it. We're not really going to talk about it. People can watch it. If they want to see it, they can watch it. Thanks, Patriot. Thanks a lot. Fuck. Anyway, Sean Dunn. Sean, stay seen yet?

What? And seen. Did he say that? Sean, how long have you been doing stand-up? A few years. Three years. Where are you from? Florida. How long have you are you from? Florida.

How long have you been here? A year. How's it going so far? I like it. Is there some weirdness here? No, I'm just trying to figure out who he is. I've never seen him before. He's awesome, man.

I got a girlfriend when I first moved here, and then I got comfortable not doing comedy. Oh, yeah. That's why they call them dream killers. come dream killers days ago yeah I'm starting to come on fucking very yes that's the answer there oh yeah what deal with hell or just fucking have some cookie meal blow you did you move out here with her no matter when I came here Wow so that happened quick, huh? Yeah, it happened quick Let's see, I think the joke is It's very long

And it has one punchline It is long, and I understand It's kind of this thing where you get him going this way And then boom, you're going to pull him back the other way That's kind of the surprise at the end He's still got AIDS I just I just I just

I mean like it's not a set of punch is it a story? to me it was like that's why I said the end scene it seemed like it was more of like

you were doing a dramatic play almost like a poem I get what you're trying to do you know what I mean like you're kind of like setting a scene like you're almost

doing a narration or something of a story like I mean I'm not saying it was bad. I'm just saying that it was different than a regular stand-up one minute, throw some jokes in. You kind of acted out of play almost

it seemed like. Of course, this is also because you freaked me out by the back door. Yeah, your first impression with us. I knew it wasn't going to go well after Knock Knock, Who's There? It shouldn't have been you. Wouldn't have fucking set me up for success here. No, listen. I understand what you're saying.

I get the joke. I just am trying to think about what you could do to let that punchline hit harder. It's also one of those bits where I've never seen it work as an opener, but I tried it anyway. I understand that. It does so much better in the middle of a set. What is your usual opener? You want to see it? How long is that?

It would be another minute. Is that a part of your style? Long, long, long, long setups for one punchline? No, I kind of mix it up a little bit. But not with your opener? Not with the opener, no. The question is, why are we trying to get away from the opener? What is the opener?

The opener is, I've been doing it for a while. But, yeah. So, basically, I was in Egypt, and I was studying Arabic. And instead of really studying Arabic in Egypt, I just kind of drank a lot. And one night when I was walking home, I got about halfway home, and I realized I got to take a piss piss and I'm not going to make it. So I started looking for a place where I could take a piss without getting arrested. And I see this restaurant's closed.

There's this alley back there. So I walk back and fucking hammer and I pull out my dick and I look up for a second. There's a busboy just standing there eating a sandwich. And we make direct eye contact. I'm like, oh, shit. So I put my dick back my pants i walk out of the alley start looking for a better place to take a piss and i get about a block away before i realized you know i probably should have just gone ahead and pissed because

from that guy's perspective i just walked up to him showed him my dick put it back and walked away oh my god i mean i like the joke Again it's about trimming man Yeah that was a good joke It is a funny ass joke I mean you acted it out awesomely But it was still unnecessary Because if you're like I'm in Egypt You're like okay is this going to be a joke

About me being in Egypt And then it goes a different way Do you understand what I'm saying It's so much easier just to Is that true? Yeah. Does your dad really have AIDS? No.

Okay. Is he a doctor? And that's why... The actual story is that it was hepatitis and he didn't get it. Yeah, he did cut part of his finger out, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's all...

I mean, dude, You're a funny guy You're obviously Pretty fucking smart You know Again it's like Who are we to tell you anything But it's It's about

It's about making your Punchline crystal clear That's really all it is Like when you're giving All these facts About other stuff The whole joke is You were trying to find

A place to piss And you basically Pulled your dick out This guy saw you And you walked away Yeah I usually include Something at the end Like fucking Americans Always pull their dicks out you know stuff like that okay don't don't do that ever again um when you came up the stairs and you saw the door was

closed and you heard people talking in here what did you think was going on i thought i gotta get the fuck in there right now then why didn't you walk in when i opened the door i was like waiting for you just standing there like i had to put money in the meter. I was like, I want to put money in the meter, but I could already tell I was like... Money in the meter has caused the downfall of so many people. Right there. Look who's not making eye contact.

The fucking hipster elf over here. Alright, Sean Dunn. We're going to move on, man. Good luck. Very interesting style. Very interesting. It's like Mike Young's older brother. It's like one-liners that are like a bunch of lines. Yeah.

And then just one thing at the end. I guess, you know, in comics, and even like, you know, if you've done it a couple years, it's just like people love to just just over explain everything right and if you really look at like a lot of the guys who are on television you know who are really big their setups are so simple and then they just go kind of go on this crazy thing of describing the punch lines and the punch it's just such simple setup but it's also about tags if he had like four tags right then we wouldn't care. Totally.

That setup. Yeah. Once he builds, once he builds all that momentum and it just dies out with one punchline, that's where it gets. Yeah. Hard because he has that momentum there for boom, boom,

boom, boom. Uh, but yeah, I just found him so unlikable because, because of the whole thing. The door thing. Yeah.

Okay. I got you. But at least I can admit that, you know? I'm not calling him a douchebag randomly. I'm calling him a douchebag because... He just walked out. The thing with the... I was watching him the whole time, too. I'm not calling him a douchebag.

This is going to be like a Batman movie where some guy fucking... Where two villains face each other. That Batman fucked up in high school, fucking meets him, and now he like a batman movie where some guy fucking we're two that batman fucked up in high school fucking meets him and now he's a new super villain he's like oh batman we finally meet and it's gonna be youtube battling in some caa office and fucking 20 years fucking over this one moment about a fucking door it's so funny you say that because i all right forget i can't say okay let's move on to the next thing Your next comedian everybody His name is Justin Blake

Yeah What's going on guys? I just had a birthday. I just turned 28. And I'm not exactly where I want to be in life. And I feel like it's because I don't have a kid. Like, I see what a kid has done for all of my friends. Like, it's got them motivated, got them out here getting shit done.

And I feel like it would do the same for me. You know, when I go to visit them once a month, I feel like that would be the motivation I needed. Don't judge me. Don't judge me. Like, I didn't have a father growing up. My father didn't have a father growing up. I refused to let my kid be the first one to have a father. Like, that's not fair to me.

That's not fair to me. But, yeah, that's my joke. It's very funny. I liked it a lot. I thought it was funny. There's more definitely to the, you know, you don't want to start that tradition. You don't want to change. Like, how does it end again with that last part?

I said it wouldn't be fair to me. It wouldn't be fair to me. That's very funny. Yeah. I'm going to get a note you probably fucking hate, but if you smiled a little bit, it would sell it even more. And you don't have to, but it's just like when you're kind of talking about that darker shit,

sometimes it could really help the joke if you just kind of smile. I don't know what it is. I used to watch my, I used to do videos all the time. I mean, I used to tape myself all the time and I would just watch myself because I always wanted to be a cult leader on stage, fire and brimstone and all that shit.

And I would watch myself. I'm like, I look so fucking angry. And I'm at a comedy club. And when I just learned to smile once a while and the joke's great and it's your style do whatever you want if i learn to smile once a while it just lets the crowd know this is comedy you know what i'm saying even if i'm saying the darkest shit especially with the darkest shit you let them see a smile they're like you can get away with waves in it way more bro and you let them kind of know it's fun Because here's the thing About comedy It's a limited art man

At this point It's very limited We're fucking Basically under Their fucking control They laugh It works If they don't get it

We're fucked It's not like a movie Where we can go see a movie And it takes us On this crazy thing We're like What the fuck's going on You can go into

Really dark fucking places And it just takes us there And we're like That's some crazy shit Comedy it's just about Can they consume What the fuck's going on? You go into really dark fucking places and it just takes us there. And we're like, that's some crazy shit comedy. It's just about, can they consume what the fuck I'm saying? Right. You know?

And therefore, and they love, cause most people like with all these rape joke, people bitching about rape jokes, they all think comedy is patty cakes. They really think they're just here talking about crazy guys are crazy. Women are nuts. My dad's weird.

They just, they don't understand that there can be layers to this shit. And you could be a fucking complex character, you know? So you need to make it so fucking simple that they can digest what the fuck you're saying. And sometimes a simple fucking smile lets them know the world's going to be okay. You know what I'm saying? Right, right, right. It's powerful Sam Tripoli, ladies and gentlemen.

Like a dictator. This is why he's the first ever return guest on the show. Seriously, man. What is this, episode 10? You already have two of the 10. Two of the 10. Patriot, this is 10? Yes, it is 10.

Complete opposite of Bobby Lee, man. That's actual feedback. Oh, yeah. That's actual feedback. Yeah, but I mean, that joke is so good that it's very, very tag-worthy. Just keep going over it in your head and thinking, how can I add more real shit to that? Because, for example, what do you say again?

The last words, that's not fair to me. Yeah. And then there's more, like, maybe it's like, you don't want to fuck up this kid. Right, right, right. If all of, if there's a generational thing of them not having fathers, maybe you'll fuck them up. Maybe

your bloodline is so used to not having a dad that you're concerned for the kid. And then even, and by the way, on top of that, you could just go, and by the way, it's just a lot more fun not having to fucking raise a kid. Right, right, yeah. It's also good to just fucking do whatever I want.

I have a tag. Play it both ways. You don't want to fuck up the kid, and it's also a lot easier to just not raise a kid. Right, right, yeah. I mean, at least I think that's funny. I say I have a future to pursue, too, sometimes. Like, I don't have time to be a full-time dad right now. I, right, yeah. At least I think that's funny. I say I have a future to pursue too sometimes. Like I don't have time to be a full-time dad right now. I just need the motivation.

Fuck his future. And the tax credit. Fuck his future. I need a future. Stuff like that, whatever. You'll figure it out. That's funny. Justin Blake, everybody. I'm is Justin Blake on Twitter. Tweet him your tags if you got him, Kill Tony.

That's great. Tweet some tags. Tweet your tags. You think you're a funny pants out there in Tuscaloosa, Alabama? Then tweet it. Sam, have you ever had a joke that you just had to give up on because either the content or something you just couldn't sell? I have one right now about eating babies, and's it's just awful like no one likes it

everyone gets sad they're pulling out their baby pictures and looking at it and holding it maybe that's what you should talk about yeah i have a joke about it involves baby too about women liking bad boys and how like they always think they're gonna change them so you never change bad boys bad boys become bad boyfriends, become bad husbands and shitty father. The only thing you're going to be changing is the diaper of the kid you're raising by yourself. And I do that. You just see women just fucking melt, sadness. Like all their, look at this, nothing.

Just blank stares. Can't even, you know? And it's a funny ass joke. But just, it's so weird. You know, I also talk about like,, Britney Spears had a baby, too, because she thought it would help her and Kevin Federline. She thought it would bring them back together. I'm like, a kid never brings people together.

If you want to bring somebody into the relationship, bring your drunk-hot friends into the relationship. Because nobody leaves the chick who likes to have threesomes. Again, nothing. Just blank stares. And it's just, here they laugh because you're all

sick, demented fucks. You know what I'm saying? Go to San Diego and say that. I mean, people will be asking for checks. San Diego. That's where I fail hard

when it comes, like certain things, man. They're really tight about that. Well, I just want to give a quick shout out to the Madhouse Comedy Club. I just did it and they were fucking great, man. They were great.

Wow. How fun. I love San Diego. It's such good looking people. Ready to keep this thing banging? Yeah. Put your hands together for your next comedian. His name is Brian Moreno. What's up, gentlemen? Comedians? So, my older brother's gay.

And that's not the joke. Which makes a lot of interesting conversation from my homophobic friends. One of my friends was dead serious. He asked me, he's like, dude, since your older brother's gay, would you shower in a locker room with a man you knew was gay?

Like, what? You know, of course. And then he says, what if he starts to rape you? I don't even know what that means, because if I'm showering with another dude and he starts to rape me, I don't care that he's gay. I mean, I'm really concerned that he's a rapist.

But the other thing, I was really happy for my, I was really happy in general when the Supreme Court ruled on marriage equality, because my brother has it going on. Big house, couple big cars, does whatever he wants. And the only way I'm going to catch up to him is if he makes a mistake of falling in love and loses half of everything in a terrible divorce.

All right, guys. Fuck yeah. Brian Moreno. Yeah. I think it's great. Yeah, right down the gullet. That was good. It was fucking cut down. I thought he was going to go off on something because he mentioned his brother's gain I think it's great. Yeah, they've done the gullet. That was good.

It was fucking cut down. I thought he was going to go off on something because he mentioned his brother's gay and it went somewhere else, but then he finished up with it. And it's funny as fuck. Yeah. You know, it's like, why do you care if someone's gay if he's raping you?

That's a great fucking premise right there. How old were you when you started thinking that your brother might be gay? What were things that would really... Well, it was really... He was infatuated with the Next Top Model and the Tyra Banks show. I was real young. And I just knew when he would really get visually upset

because he would miss those shows because we had VCRs and stuff at that time. That's when I'm like, whoa. He's talking about, look at her weave and shit. Like, what the fuck does that even mean? That's great, too. That's funny shit. And totally, because you have yourself in a position,

which I always find myself saying this on this show, at least once an episode, but with this, you're in perfect position to have a joke that really only you can own. How many comedians have brothers that are gay? I have heard a couple. But the reason I want to say this is that what you just said, nobody else is touching on.

Like all the specifics of next top model, having a VCR, being excited about a weave. That is like real shit that nobody else is talking about. Everyone else is, and it's, you know. He still calls me Naomi because one day I'm like, I'm not really into Tyra Banks, but Naomi Campbell. Naomi, what the fuck

are you talking about, Naomi Campbell? That's so gay. Yeah, still to this day. Never in the history has a straight man ever uttered those words. God's in the details, man.

what you doing, Naomi? Wow. Yeah, that's funny shit, man's funny shit hell yeah and i didn't mean that i hear a bunch of comics there's some comics of gay brothers and they kind of touch on it but nobody's been like specific like what you were just talking about right here right and that's why just keep asking yourself questions about it to keep making it bigger because you're already naturally writing without either that or you've worked on that for quite a while. Either you've worked out that bit and it's already gotten to a point to where it's like that and that tight. Or you're writing pretty tight.

It's evolving. Which means you can just keep adding on and have a whole huge killer thing about your gay brother. I'm naturally wordy, so I'm learning to cut it down. Us too. Everything you're saying is what I work tirelessly on. Hey, us too. Do you watch Louis C.K. last night? Unbelievable. The epitome of that, by the way.

Everything was every line was almost a punchline. He's not taking a breath unless he's about to get a laugh. He inhales, gets a laugh, inhales, talks, inhales. And he just becomes comfortable with delivering just the lines. Right.

And not being worried that they don't get the whole fucking picture and scene and the setting. Just being, boom, what's specific to your punch? All you need in your setup is what they need to understand your punchline. Yeah. And then it's just tag, tag, tag, tag. And that's what he was doing last night. A guy who's, as a human being, is an asshole,

but as a comedian is a great writer, Orny Adams. That guy, every line is a fucking punchline. It's great. And that's how you can fill it out, man. You have that when you're talking about all that stuff. I love it. Keep working on it. Thank you.

Come back when it's two minutes of Gay Brother and we'll work on it from there. At Brian Moreno, 21 on Twitter. That's Brian Moreno. Your next comedian's name is Luke Schwartz. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm already in, whatever it is.

Where'd you get those glasses? Costco. Oh, they're fabulous. I call those Dahmer glasses, by the way. Everyone does. That's fucking phenomenal. It goes well with your Dahmer face. Alright, hit it. I recently went to the

dentist and they said floss your teeth more. And I only really like to floss my teeth when I'm filled with self-loathing because then I'm like, yeah, you deserve to bleed fromathing because then I'm like yeah you deserve to bleed from the mouth right now that's what you deserve I forgot the other joke

I was gonna do that was really classic of me think of it um oh my friend said it's 2013 of course I'm not gonna to be homophobic. And my thought is, like, when has the year ever had anything to do with an irrational hatred of just a group of people? That doesn't make sense to me. Like, no one was walking around in 1800 going, like, it's not okay to have

slaves. And then someone was like, yeah, it's totally okay to have slaves. It's 1800. Like, what are you talking about? I would like help on that one, please. That might be the funniest close I've ever heard. Mayday, mayday, mayday. I'm waiting for the punchline. It turns out that it's, I need help with that one.

It's so funny. I think you're funny, man. I like the premises. I mean, they're really strong premises. I think... I mean, do you have a real ending to that? Or did you forget it? No, that's really...

I need help. It is a funny idea. What did the person say again? It's 2013. Of course I'm not homophobic. It's 2013. Of course I'm not homophobic. It's 2013. Of course I'm not homophobic. Which is what I heard so I didn't change it.

Like it's almost like an expiration date or some shit like that. I know what you're thinking and it is funny. You just have to go up there and mind it. I don't know if I have anything right now but slavery in the 1800s that's very funny. Anybody got any ideas maybe on the expiration thing like we got 50 maybe 56 more years of it i don't know

yeah i mean there is some of that i like this i think really it's just maybe it's just in talking about there being an expiration date and then talking about it like it's milk or something. There's no expiration date on homophobia. What is it? Milk? That's a great line. Harvey milk? It's a funny premise.

I'm just blanking on how to make it. So the rule is I can take that even though you said it? Yeah, that's how it works. Appreciate it. I didn't want to, you know. No, welcome.

That'd be so weird if you were on The Tonight Show and he's just like, fucking A, bro. I need some of that check. This fucking guy, Luke Schwartz, man.

He came on. No. You got a great name too, dude. Luke Schwartz. Thank you. It's like some weird kind of, it's almost like a Jewish Star Wars name.

It's kind of. May the Schwartz be with you. May the Luke Schwartz be with you. some weird kind of, it's almost like a Jewish Star Wars name. It's kind of. May the Schwartz be with you. May Luke Schwartz be with you. Heck yeah, you know, tighten up the set, you know, keep it Schwartz. Anyway. You know how we started off talking about flossing? I thought, I've never heard comedians talk about that,

but that is a sucky part of life, you know, because you got to do it right after your meal and it just sucks, you know? That's the last time you want to be fucking with me. If you can just play the Hall of Justice for the rest of your life, you're going to kill with superheroes. And Tony, I don't know if you remember Tony, but I think he's improving

because last week you told him he needed to get an Iron Patriot costume. Oh, wow. That's quite the improvement. He doesn't need one anymore. You should thank the Iron Patriot for reminding me and thank marijuana for making me forget. How could I forget?

You know what might be a good ending to that is a different way. Maybe there's another kind of prejudice that's still around that's just ridiculous, like crackheads. It's like, oh, dude, of course I don't hate crackheads. It's 3014, bro. You know what I'm saying? Something weird like that. Are there people who go out and hate crackheads? I's 3014, bro. You know what I'm saying? Something weird like that. Are there people who go out and hate

crackheads? I'm sure there's people. Or you could even say something like, you know, uh, uh, you know, like, hold on a second. I had it. Fuck. Maybe it's something that people normally wouldn't hate. Homeless people. Or how about Filipinos?

Fuck. Like, of course they don't hate Filipipinos it's 5014 it's gonna take that long to hate them not to hate them okay i mean it's not perfect tag but you know it's thinking no no you know it's not it's not like paul it's not like paula dean said uh you know oh it's 2008 i love n words you know what i mean something like that you know you have to put it on something i don't know. It's a good premise. There's a lot of ideas there.

There is. Let's keep flying. Also, I want to add something more. Oh, yes. If your gums are bleeding when you floss, you've got gingivitis. You've got to go to the dentist. You've got to get it fixed. I got it fixed in surgery, and I never bleed again for my gums.

Hey, where are you going? Oh, you have to wait until the Patriot's done. He's telling you about getting your gums checked regularly. You don't play around with that shit. There you go. Four out of five Iron Patriots agree. And this comes from a guy who doesn't even have a mouth or teeth. That's amazing.

I brush every night, brother. Where's your teeth? Just once a day. Every night. Busted. Busted. Brush two times a day, floss once. Okay. All right, Patriot. Busted. Two times a day, floss once. Okay.

All right, Patriot. Good job. That was a dental update from the Iron Patriot. Hell yeah. Yes, it's important to keep your teeth healthy. He's got the hygiene of a Superman. Yes. All right.

Your next guy, Kyle Everett. Hey, thanks for having me. I've been looking for a therapist recently, and it's been more complicated than I thought. I was on the phone with a woman, and she said she was all booked. She had no room for me. So she asked if I was okay having a male therapist,

and I was thinking, God, no. Absolutely in no universe am I okay having a male therapist. But then she gave no absolutely in no universe am i okay having a male therapist but then she gave me his name she spelled it for me she spelled it e u f e another word de another word la another word t o r r ee. De la Torre. And I thought, like, suddenly I thought, maybe I'm okay having a male therapist. This could be something that I could explore. I look down on the list, my next therapist,

Sarah Rasmussen. Fucking bookworm, get out of here, boring. Am I going to contact her for initial consultation? Or am I going to Google what De La Torre means? It means of the watchtower. The chosen and beloved Yuffe of the watchtower who's forgone a life

with us mere villagers to watch over us and safeguard us from danger. Thank you. You made the bear come out. You did just enough. On your closing word, the bear the bear come out. Oh, the bear. You did just enough. On your closing word, the bear broke through the wall. That bear is angry.

Oh, shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's got leather on, and he's angry. Down boy, down boy. Jesus Christ. I think this is a great example of, again, just starting one way, going another way. Like the spelling,

I'm like, okay, I'll wait until you tell me what spells. Anybody else like that? Right, right, right. I'm not going to sit there going, fuck it, it's words with friends? What are we fucking doing here, man? I gave up on you

and then you brought it immediately back and sort of I feel like, I don't know if it went that way with everybody, but I felt like the giving up on it during the spelling, like there was a part on the third or fourth line in which I'm like, all right, I'm not fucking paying attention.

Do you see how the spelling doesn't do anything? But I think that works in its favor. It's just you bragging. That's what really happened, and it was funny to me. But the name of therapist is the whole humor there. Herbie and Book, nothing. The fact that you are possibly

going to a therapist, name that. And you can even go into what that means that and then you go into what's like having a therapist who talks like puss in boots you know what I'm saying do you understand like the spelling how long was that spelling 30 seconds of white noise

where I'm wondering if I can see her tits. And I'm just like, who gives a shit? I literally was like, I can't see anything. Oh, we got someone telling jokes up here. You know, you just, it's just, that's cut it down, cut it down, cut it down, cut it down. And then that's a great premise. Once you get into it, once you say that name, what is it again? Doctor.

Ufe De La Torre. He's not a doctor. He's a master's. Doesn't matter. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody's going to ask for credentials. If you say there's a Doctor Delatore, everyone's going to be, fuck, that's a crazy name. You can fudge

the facts a little bit. Do you understand what I'm saying? So say it all at once as a doctor. What's his name then? Ufe Delatore. Say it all at once like doctor. Doctor Ufe Delatore. Yeah. Right? That works way better better all the other thing is white noise and all of a sudden this guy sounds like the most

badass guy ever you you feel like you're gonna were you looking at a therapist for yourself is the joke is the okay so then yeah then you can get into all the shit that you think and you could just keep saying his name it's so magical it really is that's that's what I laughed at was just, and the way you say it, you got it.

You don't really like completely roll your R's like a Mexican, but it's like just white enough. So it's like, it sounds legit if that makes sense. And you don't even say, you roll your R's almost a Mexican, but not that Mexican. So good job. And I wouldn't ever even say that you went and saw him and this was like,

because the minute you start doing it, you take us into a fake place and we could sense that. I'd be like, I imagine what it'd be like to have a therapist like that. Right. And then you can just go crazy with it. And people are like, yeah, that would be crazy if it was like that. Instead of like trying, like the guy who did the AIDS joke, where it's like, that's obviously not the punchline.

And it kind of takes away from it. Yeah. You know, I don't know what the actual name is of the most interesting man in the world, but I'd imagine that if they let us know his name, it would sound something like... Yeah. Yeah.

Got to get the doctor in there. The doctor is what makes it legit, bro. Yeah. All right. There he goes. Kyle Everett. Thank you. Boom. Let the doctor in there. The doctor is what makes it look good, bro. Doctor, you feel that, doctor? Yeah. All right, there he goes. Kyle Everett. Thank you. Boom. Let's fly through it.

I wasn't really trying to look at your tips. I love the lady. I was just trying to make a point. How exciting. A lady. Put your hands together for Julia Jasunas. Oh, we got a lady up on stage. Boom.

Uh-oh. Oh, she's here. I hate having the band ladies. Oh, feet are exposed. Have fun, Patriot. Oh, good feet. He loves the feet. Even his helmet can't

block his love for feet. Cool. Anyway, sorry. Go ahead. I know that might be the worst intro ever. Like, hey, Patriot, check out this chick's feet But it's something I like Now she's gonna be bitching about how hard it is to be a woman Because she's like, everyone just looks at my feet

It's so fucking hard Okay, let's start over Put your hands together for the one and only Julia Jasuna Very funny lady Very funny lady So I'm a nanny And, yeah, I know that's a joke in itself.

And being a nanny is the best form of birth control. It is. Especially with a three-year-old with the attention span of a table. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything. And so yesterday, I just got fed up, and I sat her down, and I was like, Look, life isn't about getting what you want you think this is what I want to be doing you think I want to be wiping your ass

oh poo poo poo poo you know what I have poo poo too nobody's wiping my ass I'm still single so uh yeah nannying is fun oh fun fact so um so I was looking up why your nose gets congested online. Turns out you have erectile tissue in your nose. So your nose has a boner when you're congested.

All right, I'm going to end on that. Fun fact. So your nose has a boner. Fuck yeah. Interesting. When she was yelling, did you guys feel like your mom was yelling at you

as a kid and you kind of got scared? Yeah. Yeah. Is that, did that? It reminded me of my stepmom. Does that turn you on? No, it just took me

to this bad place and I felt like I had to clean my room or something. Or wake up early on a Saturday when she did that. Do you want to see my feet? Yes. Oh, Good answer.

Oh, karate. I like the joke. I think it's funny. It's about you just basically dumping on this poor three-year-old. Right? I think it'd be funny.

Yes, yes. Or me. I felt like I was the three-year-old. I think there's something funny in the fact that you want to be in show business and the only camera

that you're performing in front of is a nanny cam you know what I mean there's a joke you could use that one yeah if I was a nanny I would do that joke is there examples of how how she is

has ADD or whatever you said yeah I have a bit about how taking care of her is like taking care of my drunk girlfriends on a Friday night. And then I go into examples about that. And so like how she wanders off, you know, or she doesn't want to eat anything and then she really wants to eat something

or she can't go to the bathroom by herself or she gets lipstick all over her face or she's like, I don't want to! Let's do that. Okay, that's cool. I understand you only got a minute. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up?

I don't answer that question. Why? Why? Because I feel like people judge me based on that and I want to be judged based on my content. Okay. I don't think you want to be judged just on your content. I think a number might be a little bit better.

There's a reason why I'm asking. You're not going to tell me? I've been at it for three months. Good. Why wouldn't you admit that? I was expecting you were... I was totally expecting... You sound like you've been on the road for 20 years.

I was thinking like four to seven years. Like, really. I thought you were just a bad 20 years. Can't get a break. I was thinking like four to seven years. Like really. Right. I thought you were just a bad four years. Instead, you're an amazing three months. Totally.

Thank you. Yeah. Kids really fucking suck, don't they? I can tell. I can tell in your eyes I just fucking hate those kids. How old are you? I'm 23. I can tell in your eyes. I just fucking hate those kids. How old are you?

I'm 23. What's your address? Fuck yeah. How exciting. I think it was great. I mean, obviously, you're just putting stuff together for the one minute. But I think if you had a longer set and you could go into more examples of all the stuff. Right.

I'd like it. So there's a lot there. I have a lot more about it, but obviously it's just minutes. That's fun. Look at you. You just churned away long bits and everything

in your three months. Look at you. Three months. You do a lot of spots. Five hours of material. Yeah, I get up a lot. I have my first hosting gig on this very stage on Thursday.

This Thursday? Yeah. Wow, how cool. Good luck. Thanks. Heck yeah. First room I ever hosted was this room. This is a great room to host Yeah, thanks. Wow, how cool. Good luck. Thanks. Heck yeah. First room I ever hosted was this room. This is a great room to host in, too.

Heck yeah. The Patriots' first time hosting in here is on Wednesday night, so all right, fuck it. Julia, that was great. Follower at JJAssoon. Oh, JJAssoon. You have a weird last name. Jassoon is. The I is silent.

Spelled out for us. J-J-A-S-I-U-N-A-S. Jay Jasunas. All right. Thank you. Congratulations. Great job. Good effort.

Great job. Can I ask you something, Tony? I was pondering something. Yes. You know the bases of love? And they say if you get the third base, it's your petting below the waist. Does that mean massaging feet is a triple? Do they have a mute button on your suit?

No, I'm kidding. Right now, I'm Ed McMahon with Tourette's. Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The head of insecurity. The head of insecurity. You're the Ed McMahon of what? What did you say?

Tourette's syndrome. Didn't you call me the Ed McMahon with Tourette's Syndrome? Something like that. I don't know. I remember your jokes. Put your hands together for Jonathan Tumblin. Thank you. Thank you.

What's up, Tony? Hey. Sam. Redman. I was smoking weed outside earlier, and I was talking to a group of friends, other comics, and I realized I'm a pretty paranoid guy.

I used to be in the military, and one of the guys who decided to talk about government conspiracies, and it always makes me nervous. I don't want to be in those conversations because the government's watching. You know, I was in basic training, they put something in my food, they watching me and shit.

And then I get real paranoid when I'm smoking weed, which isn't often, you know, I'm not high that often. Maybe like every day, but you know what I mean? But I'm real paranoid. And shit, I forgot the end of that joke. Because I'm high. When did the joke start? As I said before, I'm high. Sorry.

Oh, shit. Well, if that's permanent in iTunes podcasting history. Yeah. That sucks. So basically what happened was, you have this bit about smoking pot And getting paranoid that something terrible might happen And then what happened was

Something terrible happened Before you did this bit about smoking pot And something terrible happening You smoked pot And then this terrible thing just happened We should call in an expert We should call in an expert Oh ladies and gentlemen

Ari Shafir is here. Boom. The powerhouse. The amazing racist. This is a celebrity walkthrough. Wow. Fuck yeah. You want to grab a seat, Ari, and hang out? Where's the celebrity?

That's more of a perp walk. A celebrity walkthrough. I would like to see a black person do a joke about a drug other than pot. Yeah. I want to see a nice fucking peyote joke done by a black guy. Yeah. Peyote. Peyote? Yeah. I'll write one.

Do some tonight. You know what, man? I get it. It's just Yeah. Peyote. Peyote? Yeah. I'll write one. No. Do some tonight. Yeah. You know what, man? I get it. It's just a lot of... It was just all over the place. Hey, you got too high tonight. That's the name of the game.

Did you see it, Ari? No, I didn't see it. I heard about it from the street. People were talking about the set. Yeah. You got to get up there, man. This guy's doing some new shit, and it's fucking rad. Oh, man.

He got high and forgot what he was going to talk about. Oh, really? Yeah. Sorry, Danny. He just freaked us out. Terrible, terrible. So we'll move on. That's Jonathan. What did he do? He just got up there and stood around? I was going to tell a joke about government ships. He told us how he was in the military and then he got high, then the government

and then they put something in his food and then he got high. Chemtrails. put something in his food then he got high. Chemtrails. It was all leading up to this big huge anal probings. It was all this setup that's like this. I have one question.

Government created AIDS. What's your question, Ari? Have you ever gotten higher than a mug? Yeah. Higher than a mug. Nice. I should have stopped smoking weed though.

Don't do that. Just don't smoke right before you come on stage. Look at a tolerance so you can smoke right before you get on stage. I'm tired of the mug. Jonathan Tumblin. Peace out. Ari's with us. Look at this. Peace out. Ari's with us. Look at this.

This is like the... Oh, shit. That's always good. Eric Oligny. In the boxing match. Very serious. Very, very... He's got a purpose.

So, kids have a lot of entertainment these days. When I was younger, we had five stations. And at like 2 in the morning, they would all turn to infomercials. We were so bored, we would watch six hours of infomercials. How much could you see somebody chop a damn salad? It's like, oh, oh my God, there's a knife that cuts a penny. This is awesome, for another two hours. But then I realized kids have it really good these days and it's because of porn.

When we were kids we had three channels. HBO, Cinemax and that one fucking channel. You would just sit there and watch it and like oh my god. Oh my god, yes.

I see a tit. It would finally come in clear and you'd be like I'm jerking off to Dustin Hoffman and Tootsie. I don't give a fuck. Stay in the pocket. Stay in the pocket. Stay in the pocket.

I like that. Nice. It's funny. Thank you. The old Tootsie reference. Yeah. Can't get enough of that. Yeah.

Some people might hear the Tootsie, Dustin Hoffman reference and go, too soon. Too soon. I think it's just soon enough. Scrambled corn. I'm working on that build up for the joke. I've been working on different things. The box is another thing we had as a kid where it was pay for play music.

It was five minutes of music for an hour. I think 55 minutes you're watching Soul Glow commercials and Afro Sheen. I think it's funny because you're waiting for that MC Hammer song to come on. You're walking around as a kid thinking you're watching Soul Glow commercials and Afrosheen. I think it's funny because you're waiting for that MC Hammer song to come on. You're walking around as a kid thinking you're hard, too legit to quit. Doing all that shit. You have the jams on. It was only a one minute segment.

I don't know what you're doing right now. I was just telling you. Why are you sitting down? Can you have some respect for the show? What is this? Johnny Carson? You got called over to the couch? Scrambled porn, by the way, jokes. I think that's probably one of the most played

out things. Definitely. No way. No way. There's so many more played out jokes. And it was played out in the 80s. I've never even heard a scrambled porn joke. I mean, I've heard one similar, but not even like about... So you have heard a scrambled porn joke. No, no, no. Not not about the actual channel or anything.

He was just talking about how he was watching a porn and it would actually shut off. It was similar to the fact, but he wasn't a 22-year-old kid. Maybe stop digging and start Googling. As long as he's not within 10 years of you, you guys can do the same bit? No, I'm saying he was talking about a computer porn. We had it on the TV.

It was actually scrambled so we couldn't get the channel so that was the actual there's people though for i mean probably about i mean as long as there's been a scrambled channel with porn on it i mean that weekend that sunday or monday somebody was here like have you guys seen this fucking channel i'm like jerking off and it's like oh my god wait a second second. It's just Dustin Hoffman and Tootsie. They made the same reference that you're making now. That was probably Dustin Hoffman that wrote that. It had two of. It's actually what made Dustin

Hoffman a star was getting jerked off. All right. There you go. Erica Ligny, everyone. You're next person. I don't think we gave him any advice, by the way. We just pounded on him. Well, yeah. Aww.

Wait, what did you say, Sam? Eric got mad. Why did he get mad? What's wrong? Do we have to play a special sad song now? Yeah, play a sad song. They told me I have to get off of the stool. It's a sad song?

Lisa Loeb. That's what you guys always do. It sounds like lesbians crying. All right. This is a new name here. Tyler Miznarik. Let me guess what that is. I'm going to guess Armenian.

You think the nationality Miznarik? I was guessing Armenian, but I think I was wrong. Very uncalled for. I do like the way he said no as if it was an insult. I'm sorry. No, no, don't be. You were right. All right. I want to say my mom, she's very religious,

but she's also a feminist, which is weird, because she believes that the Bible is actually pro-woman. She really believes that. I said, Mom, you mean that book where, like, if a woman is sitting in a chair and she's on her period, and a man can never, ever sit in that chair, ever? It doesn't sound very pro-woman. It does sound like the ultimate biblical seat saver, though. pro-woman.

It does sound like the ultimate biblical seat saver, though. It's like, hey, don't sit here. Men's training. That's what God said. There's any ladies here. Still works. Still totally works. You had the Super Bowl.

You want to save your seat, just get up and say, hey, guys, shedding some major uterine lining here. Probably should just stay away. I'm bordering on a miscarriage, I think. So just... That's it for guys. Thank you. Wow. Perfect minute.

I fucking love your t-shirt. Thank you. Thank you very much. That's great. Yeah, good bit, man. your t-shirt thank you yeah good man I think it's funny appreciate it you should do some kind of like seat check Joe or instead or like shotgun says shotgun like I call rock or something you know I mean my rock because it's supposed to be back in the biblical times. Oh, right, right, right, right. I call it nine-inch nail.

What's the one when they throw boulders at, like, walls? What are those called? Palestinian? No. What is that one where they throw a big fucking boulder at a wall? World's Strongest Man competition? No, no, no. It's a machine.

A catapult? Catapult. Catapult. Yeah, no, no. It's a machine. A catapult. Catapult. Catapult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wally Coyote. They don't throw something on a catapult. You pull it. Right? And it chucks. It throws. Yeah, it chucks. You don't throw it. Yeah, the catapult, I'm saying. Anyway, what is

Mesnaric anyway? What nationality is that? You seem like you could be just about anything. It's Mesnarich is how it's pronounced, but it's like Eastern European something. I don't really know. As far Eastern European as perhaps Armenia? How come nobody says Polak anymore? What happened to that old pun?

I guess I could say it. Bring it back, man! I could bring it back. Hey, can I just point something out real quick? Not only did everyone not switch off their ringers, I'm talking about Lainey Gilbert, she also, the phone rang, and then she took the call. Wow.

Yeah. Got to give it up for the powerful Lainey Gilbert, everybody. The new Mitzi Shore of the Comedy Store. They got a new GM. She's no longer the mother of the last GM. They got someone to replace Dean finally. Did they?

Yeah. He's going to come in and not stop fights. Yeah. Oh, well, thank you very much, man. There you go. Thank you. Hey, it's funny, dude.

Good job, Ms. Merrick. It's funny. Whoa. Whoa. Put your hands together for At Autistic Thunder. It's Josh Meyerowitz, everybody. How's it going, guys? I recently went shooting guns with my brother for the first time.

I was absolutely frigging terrified. But I'm glad I did it because it was just like losing my virginity. I felt manly. I felt badass. At first I was scared, like with the prostitute. But once I got into it, I really got into it. Plus, big change to that is now I don't have to sit through years of guys going,

before shooting a gun, I'm going to get you a hooker. She's going to be fat now I don't have to sit through years of guys going before shooting a gun I'm gonna get you a hooker she gonna be fat it don't matter it's pussy you're gonna fuck pussy that's not what I want black friend I want to earn the vagin that's about it alright I think it was going good

I think you by the way didn't I say that to you I'm gonna get you a fat chick And it doesn't matter Because it's pussy And then you totally made me Sound black I'm gonna get you pussy

You're not the first person That ever said that With my Bill Cosby on crack Get off of Theo You know a simple Because you kind of Just I don't know It's like you could have been like Hey shooting guns Is like the first time You know, a simple... Because you kind of just... I don't know.

It's like you could have been like, hey, shooting guns is like the first time I got... I lost my virginity. It ended up with a dead hooker. You know, some long lines of that. It's like... Because that's what you want to get into.

It happened recently. The gun shooting thing, so I'm still working it out. I'd like to see you do the whole thing, but less retarded. Yeah. This is not the first time I've heard this. You get that note a lot?

Yes, yes. A little too much tart in the pot. Remember the last time he was taking his shirt off and you discouraged him from that? Remember he took his shirt off, you discouraged him? Definitely. And then I said that bad thing. He's improving, though. Go fuck yourself. Oh, Jesus. Definitely. And then Dave Taylor. So he's improving, though. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, Jesus, Josh. Whoa, whoa, Josh. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it. Targ versus Patriot. Wow. Spurgey and Knight. Who do you bet on in that battle?

Nah, he'd probably kick my ass. Do Asperger's get that retard strength that retards have? No, no, no. Just retard mind. Oh, what a ripoff. Oh, that sucks. Do you like Cheerios? That's like a black guy with a little dick.

Cheerios? Yeah. I like cereal, sure. Are you really good? Dry Cheerios or with milk? No, with milk. Oh. Are you really good at directions?

No, I'm not. Do you have any Rain Man type of qualities? Yeah, can I take you to Vegas and win some money? I can tell you a lot about movies that people have basically forgotten about. You're useless. Exactly. Juana Man? No, no. They have to be movies that I actually like.

Everyone knows about movies we like. I want to know movies that shit the bed. What do you know about Juana Man? I've never watched it. It wasn't interesting to me. Did you see the Four Non Blondes biopic? No, even though they had a biopic. And you're obviously bullshitting, but still.

What's the movie that you've watched the most? Which rape scene? What? Which rape scene? Which rape scene? Good Lord. What did you like? I can only think of the first two movies

that I've been watching for some reason a lot. Either The Crow or Demolition Man. Wait a second. I name of all the movies ever what movie have you watched the most?

No, not the most. And somehow Demolition Man is in there. Listen, it's not the greatest movie but I truly believe it's also the greatest. Isn't that the one

where they wipe their ass with seashells or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three seashells. Sylvester Stallone carrying the whole thing. Wesley Snipes. Yeah. It's a fun movie.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Tarantino. If you had to guess how many times you've seen Demolition Man, how many times would you? I don't know why I watch it so much. Just give me a guess. If you just had to guess a number. A guesstimate has to be about 20 times so far. Holy shit. 20 fucking times.

Future. I mean, I might have seen it before. I don't think the you can fix the HBO in the 90s. I don't think that movie has been watched that many times by the man

who edited Demolition Man. I think he's just like, fuck this shit. I can't even watch anymore. He had no idea what was going on. It's weird like that.

I enjoy what I enjoy. I bet. Well, there you go. That makes you special. Unfortunately so. If you needed one more excuse on go. That makes you special. Unfortunately so. If you needed one more excuse on how to be special, you just got one. He's at Autistic Thunder on Twitter. He's one of our really good friends.

We hang out with him every night, basically. It's Joshua Meyer. Thanks, Sam. Same hour. You know what's great about Josh? Is every time he does stand-up, it's a special. Thank you, guys. Well written.

Well written. Well written. The special special. Yeah. A little too special. Yeah. All right. We're running out of time, so let's pull up.

Where's the light? Oh, hey, it's Don Barrett. A human light. He's getting ready for the big. Hold on, hold on. Oh, here he is. Was that Aerie that just said, oh, here's the light? Like a's getting ready for the big... Oh, here he is. Was that Aerie that just said,

oh, here's the light? Like a derogatory thing? Uh-huh. He's putting down his stuff. Is he going to about... Oh, the old rivalry continues. Be careful. Oh, Jesus. For the audio listeners,

Don has pulled down his pants. His dick is inserting into Ari's mouth. I would like to see Don fuck Ari in the ass. Would anybody else like that? I wouldn't think it was hot, but I would think it would be fun. It's sucking Don off. Fuck him, Don. By the way, nobody's helping him.

You're just fucking vining this shit. Man rape is happening on stage, because you just want the hits. Don is about six inches in Ari's mouth. He's not worth it. Get up on your feet. He's pulling out. It looks like he has cum in Ari's

mouth. Ari's having a bad day. Not only did he get raped, but he's got hobo tan too. Hobo tan? What is that? You got this hobo tan rocking all over the place. Oh, yeah. Look at that. The Iron Man did nothing to save your soul. Oh, yeah. Where were you?

I'm the Iron Patriot. The Iron Patriot. The Iron Patriot's gone Hollywood on us. He doesn't move. It's like being protected by the fucking statues at Caesar's Palace. They're just sitting there. It's a great day. His greatest offensive maneuver is his just standing there in defense.

And doing verbal spell checks. All right. There you go. He showed you. Somebody should do a couple more. I just got burned. Let's get a Latino person. Okay.

Let's have a random selection. We have one chick. She killed it. Tony. Tommy. Tommy Lee. That's Tommy. Second word.

Tommy Lee comedy on Twitter. Tommy Lee. A lot of pressure. Where's the microphone? Where is he at? Where's the mic? Where's he at? Where's the mic? I think Don took it. Here you go.

Tommy Lee. It's Tommy Lee. It's a combination of Bobby Lee and Tommy. Can I just make a guess real quick? Your mother was not Asian and your father was Asian. Opposite. My mom's Asian. It'm going to guess. Can I just make a guess real quick? Of course. Your mother was not Asian, and your father was Asian. Opposite. My mom's Asian.

It's always the opposite. How do you get the name Lee then? My dad's actually white, Lee. What? No Asian guy has ever fucked a white chick before. That's never happened. You got to get on Mad TV to get any ass. Yeah.

My dad's the white guy And he's the one with Lee Of course We get it He was on tour of NOM He banged a fucking local And here you are Telling jokes

Did I just ruin your opener? It's alright So I'm real happy To be in a relationship right now And I'm happy because I feel like it's hard To find a woman Who knows what she really wants

Because I'm always finding that girl that she likes contradicting things in men She's like, I want a guy who went to Harvard but robs banks too That's what I want I want the gentleman bad boy who cares about the environment at the same time I read this one girl, she said, I want a man who's not afraid to hit me but won't hit me i'm like uh if he's not afraid to hit you he's going to beat your ass okay he's like once you cross that line of like oh i'm not afraid to hit you like that's going to happen a lot because these bad boy jokes aren't going too well sam

um Sam just Mickey Moused up on us Thank you What are you guys clapping for? It's over I like the way You were talking about hitting women. I'll take that part home with me. What did you say about hitting women?

No, I met a girl who said that she wants a guy who's not afraid to hit her but won't hit her. Humanity has no chance. It's crazy. I daydreamed through your set and then I just asked you what the one thing is and then you said it and I daydreamed through that too.

You have this really great... You're like a hypnotist but with your... You're like a hypnotist... You're like a hypnotist comedian that's like an accidental hypnotist. Or you're just

really stoned. It's like for people that want to be hypnotized but they don't want to see it coming. Like for people that might get psyched out by the clock thing in which it's like, oh, I know he's about to do it right now. Like you, it's like, you're like that you know what it is? You're like that shot

of Novocaine before the big shot of Novocaine that makes us what you can't feel. Alright. You guys be nice now. I did my part. Hey, is Santa Claus here? Yep. Santa Claus.

I liked the joke. What was the joke? It was a joke about how girls like bad boys. You daydreamed too? Then I'm definitely on to something. I noticed you all daydreamed. That's why no one knew. This is like the second week in a row, man.

Second week in a row, everyone's daydreaming through your ass? No, like last week I went on right after the whole AIDS incident, and everyone just daydreamed through the entire thing. last week I went on right after the whole AIDS incident and everyone just daydreamed through the entire thing. And I was just like, okay, this is cool. Maybe that's subconsciously that we all remember the AIDS thing and it's like, nom to us. We're having flashbacks.

It's true. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a subconscious thing with you and AIDS and... Going on last, yeah. Will you put on a wig maybe next time. What are you, Jamie Masada? What are you doing here?

Buddy, buddy, where a cowboy hat? That's what he, you know, he wants to tell you that you need parent on your arm. And what I thought that was always a joke that people were saying that about Jamie. But then one time,

uh, like, uh, four and a half, five years ago, I did the open mic there, waited all day. Tuesday did the open mic there, waited all day Tuesday, did this stupid ass three minutes,

waited for hours in the sun outside of that place. And at the end of it, they're like, go to Jamie for feedback. And I go to, I just, I wait behind all these people to see what he, he goes, buddy, buddy, very funny. You wear a cowboy hat, you're going to be big. I didn't step foot in there for another two years after that. And I've regretted

stepping foot in there every time since then. Fuck the Laugh Factory. I'm not afraid to say it on a podcast. How do you like that? Yeah, I said it. That's permanently in podcast history. Bring it, Jamie. What are you going to do? Buddy. Huh? You're going to make me wear a fucking cowboy

hat? Any advice for Tommy? It's not like he's watching. Jamie Masada do, buddy? Huh? You're going to make me wear a fucking cowboy hat? Anyway. Any advice for Tommy? It's not like he's watching. Jamie Masada, if you're watching this podcast... All right. No, I have no advice for you, Tommy. Uh-uh. Figure out how to figure out something. I don't

know. I don't even know where it goes wrong. I just start daydreaming. I can't even look at you without starting to daydream. I hope you're never in the car with him. You just look over. Boom, just going down Venice fucking beach taking out people. How cool was that guy?

How cool was that guy? Really? How many people died on that? I still haven't actually read the... One. Eleven injured. How cool. What was cool about it, Ari?

The way he would like swerve back and forth to try to hit people. Oh, like it's fucking Spy Hunter the game? You ever play that? Oh, no. Here it comes. All right. Well, thanks a lot, man. There he goes, Tommy Lee.

Should we do our... I'm your biggest fan, buddy. It looks like Adam Devine. Tommy, you're awesome. You got on two weeks in a row, so congratulations on that. Can I pick one of the hat? We're actually going to move on to our closing segment of the show.

So many names didn't get picked. Where did Barris go? What? He's the next thing. Yeah. So, as always, we have our two favorite young ladies. It's always been two on the ones that you guys were previously on correct so you know what we're dealing with

no I had none because the lady that was in the front row left that was Sarah's big fucking parking meter Sarah that's the story with her she takes off she takes off well she's been here for nine out of the ten podcasts and she's here

on this one put your hands together for as out of the ten podcasts, and she's here on this one. Put your hands together for her as always. Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. Here she is. Sarah Dressen. Is she Middle Eastern? What? Are you Middle Eastern? Yes.

I'm Persian. Oh, you two would have a great grunge fuck, huh? Just hating each other as you fucked. So dirty and wrong. Right? It feels so right. I would love to watch the two of them fuck

because both of them have this thing where they constantly go like this with their glasses anyway. So like, if they were fucking with just their glasses on,

I just think that'd be so hilarious watching constantly just going at it and just pushing up on the bridge of their nose. We could like push

each other's glasses up. There you go. Heck yeah. This is like foreplay meets four eyes. And plus, Ari would tear that pussy up with his huge fucking cock. Hell yeah. He doesn't have a big dick, kids.

Jewish cock. Notoriously big. That is the biggest two-inch cock anybody's ever seen in their entire life. You're nuts. Your fucking asshole would be black and blue from the fucking demolition balls of nuts just crushing on it

he's got a huge nut sack it's uncomfortable to look at it's like a wet towel his nut sack so big that next week we're actually pulling names out of it all right yeah I'd bet anything that your clit is bigger than his penis.

Anyway, go on. It's your time. Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. No, I'm kidding. Go on. There you go. I don't want to brag, but I broke my vagina this year. That's not bragging.

Trust me, it is. Yeah, I wish it had more to do with having sex and less to do with my mom. But that's not the case. I actually ran myself over with my mom's car. Let me explain. My mom was having a quadruple bypass, and I drove her car to the hospital, and I backed into a parking spot, and because I'm a woman, I hit the wall.

Clearly driving is not a strong point of mine. And I jumped out to see what I had done, because my mom's already getting her chest cracked open. I didn't want to crack open her car on top of that. And while I was behind observing what I had done to the car, the car slipped into reverse and squished me against the wall like an accordion. And it broke my taint. I broke my taint.

I broke... Where do you go from there after you say you broke your taint? What do you say after that? Well, I kind of finished the story because it's kind of funny. The car bounced off of me and I just fell on the ground. And I immediately thought that I'd broken my knee. So I sat up like, wow!

Jesus. I mean, what about... I was asking like... Oh, yeah. I can't believe you just said the bear just died. Okay. This is like a real story. This isn't even like...

This is another narration. This is another narration. At this point, I come here and I bring you guys new stuff to get you guys feedback on it because everyone here is here to get feedback from you guys and so I bring you stuff that I'm working on that I've tried on stage and hope that you can help me tag it and make it better.

You're fucked. You're just bringing premises here. Not a premise. You're bringing your homework to your smart Asian friends. The first three lines that I had were solid jokes. The first three parts were good. I worked through that, and it's good. Here's some real advice.

You look down too much. It's hard to connect with a crowd when you look straight down. Big time. Okay. It means you're connect with the crowd when you look straight down. Big time. Okay. It means you're just a sign of insecurity. That's what I used to do when I started. I looked straight down.

I mean, also, is combing your hair over your face. That also is a sign of insecurity. I need a haircut. Also, digging your hand into your asshole. Yeah, what are you looking for? What? I keep waiting for you to pull out magic tricks or some shit.

My pants are just really tight. You were in the butt. You were? No, I wasn't. I don't know if you know this or not, but we had a pretty good angle at it. We're sitting right here. You were under the shirt going into the pants.

I have a little hole in my underwear and my tag is making my ass crack. Let's get a sniff test. Sam? No. I'm sorry. What Reno Casino carpet did you steal to make these fucking pants? These are zombie Sailor Moon leggings. They're

pretty badass. I don't even know if that's Reno. That looks more like prim to me. I'm like 45 minutes outside of everything. You have so much going on. Right. I'm trying to tone it down. I was told I dress like too sexy, so I was trying to tone it down and dress... Who told you that?

The voices in your head? No, Tommy last week was like, you know, maybe you should... Was he doing that? Was he stroking it? You know, your dad's too sexy, huh? Wow. I'll just take a little spit on it. I mean...

You guys are like my dad. I can't do anything to make you happy. Oh, stop. Well, you told a really long story that was kind of... And be nice about Tommy. You and him have the same haircut, so... But it's like Skrillex meets mullet.

But your story was like a kind of like sad tale again. Hold on, let me ask this. It is. It's a car wreck story. What do you think the joke is that you're telling? The accordion that broke the taint? Because it's not. What do you think is like if you summed up that joke,

what would it be? The funny thing is that I ran myself over with my own car, which is like how the fuck is that possible you know so it is good you got to figure it out we you got to really knock out you have to you're paying all sorts of different shit can't do a minute a story in a minute there's

no chance it's not about doing a story in a minute it's about having a minute of bad story that's already being done she's not telling the story in a minute we don't even know what ended up happening we don't know whether her knees broken or there's no such thing as breaking a taint. So it's not funny. It doesn't make sense. It's impossible.

I broke. I didn't break your taint. I broke the. There's like a bone. You didn't break your taint. You didn't break that bone. You're lying right now. Or you didn't.

Yeah. That's my little. You can't break your taint. You can't break your taint. Okay. You have no idea. I absolutely know. There's no idea. I absolutely know. He has no fucking idea.

You have no fucking clue. What do they call it? Your sacrum. Then you broke your sacrum. Do you know that fucking word? All right, you're done. Get off. Scumbag.

Is this your sister? Ungrateful weirdo. Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. There she goes. Friend of show. Give her a spot every week, and she tries to attack me on my own show like a real moron. I was just about to say she wasn't being very defensive. She'll be back next week.

That's so dumb. What did you say, Patriot? I was just about to say that she wasn't being defensive today, but I like the moments when she gets a little heated. It's pretty funny. It definitely makes it interesting. It definitely makes it interesting.

Alright, let's go. What are you doing? There's still a show going on. Sit down, Mr. Joplin. You can fight Tony after the show. Is that mine? I want to watch you guys bone you two. Oh, yeah. You guys are already playing

the fucking I got your phone game. Oh, yeah. This is how the whole war between your people started in the first place. All right. Your final comedian of the evening. Always hilarious.

No. Jesus Christ. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon everybody here she is Wait a second dude back off what what did whoopie get here? Give the kid a break man. He's asking for a title fight. Come on, look at this. Let him up. We'll have them both do it. Look at this. I can't do it.

I can't. I only have enough time for our final guess. There's a shot. Hold on. Kimberly, is this a plant? This is part of your act? Come back next week, baby. What kind of security are you?

Whoopi Goldberg just attacked us like Godzilla, and you didn't do anything. I told him, come back next week. My God. That guy took off his clothes for that moment. That was great. He protects us as much as the Patriot Act does. I love it.

That was a great joke. Are we ready? I'm Kim Congdon. Hi, I'm Kim. Ready? All right. Are we ready? Yes. I'm Kim Congdon. Okay. Hi, I'm Kim, but most people call me, ma'am, you're cut off. I used to have a boyfriend. He was white and rich, really spoiled. It didn't work out because he always wanted really expensive gifts. He wanted a $100 face shaver thing.

I was like, fucking $100? shaver thing. Fucking $100. I still scrape the deodorant out of the underneath of the plastic. When it runs out, you pull it out and do that. I owe Verizon so much money, I step in and they're like, get her. Don't let her out.

That's it. Adorable. Adorable. How can you go wrong with that? Absolutely adorable. Yes. First thing is when you come up on stage, you always grab the mic and you set it to the back.

Or you just start stroking it slowly and looking at us. I didn't hear a single joke, but it was adorable. Yeah, it was awful. I knew it. I knew it was going to happen. Well, you got thrown off.

You got attacked by a black bear. Just came up on stage. I'm still shaking knew it. I knew it was going to happen. Well, you got thrown off. You got attacked by a black bear. Just came up on stage. I'm still shaking from it. A Rastafarian with tits came up here and just shock and awed you. You know, you weren't ready for that. Your vagina snapped shut like a bear trap. It went into self-defense mode. At one point, Sarah Mostajabi started playing her recorded set from a minute ago in such excitement to listen to it.

As soon as you go over to it, it starts playing. It's very annoying. It's a feature. Let me ask you a question. How long have you had two girls closing out the show each week? How long has it been for two of them? Probably five or six. There's been one.

My first one was four. Four weeks with both of them what's the reasoning there more than that it's just they both started here

started comedy in some capacity yeah like Josh I did my first stand up here on the show literally the podcast

oh really yeah oh wow yeah so we so I let some of them badger me and act overly dramatic and ungrateful

and then other ones I just keep rooting on even though she's brand spanking new at it hey thanks in hopes that we can touch their vaginas at one point right of course I mean that's a fair trade that's the big overall plan put their nipples on our cheeks

see and they probably yeah because the last name I pulled was Tommy Lee, so this is sitting on the stack. So during your set, I accidentally looked at it and I started daydreaming because even his name written down on a piece of paper makes me daydream.

I didn't know it until her set, but there's something about Tommy Lee. I need this guy in my life. When I need to meditate, I just need to stare at Tommy Lee I want to know what Tommy Lee's website is it's about to get blown the fuck up it's an animated gif of a feather

when I see him I just think of nothing it's the only time of my day I need more Tommy Lee in my life I need an hour a day fuck yoga fuck exercise I just need to stare at Tommy Lee Kim Congdon it's at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. Great job.

Great job, Kim. Great job. She's super cool. At Sarah Dresses on Twitter as always. So many of our fun guests that we've had. Meyerowitz, Tommy Lee, Mesnarik, Oligny, Tumblin, Jasunis, Everett, Schwartz, Moreno, Blake, Dunn, and Abby Roberge all got Kill Tony tonight in a fun, fun double duo of two of my favorite guests that I've ever had. Sam Tripoli and Ari Shafir is always on Twitter, both of them by their names.

When is this going to be out? A week. In a week. Whoa. Okay, I'm going to be in Toronto at the Underground the 15th, 16th, 17th please come out if you're in Toronto come out and hang out we're going to do a live podcast out there too I'd love to see you

Ari? my next storyteller show is August 27th in New York City so if you're anywhere around the East Coast make sure you get over there that's a big Comedy Central digital production and very very fun I've watched them Joey Diaz and TJ Miller. I know there's more out, but those are the two I've caught so far.

Really fun. I love the fucking vibe and the energy and the idea. Great work with that. And I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. At Tony Hinchcliffe on Twitter. With Brian Redban, as always, at Redban. And the Comic Patriot on Twitter is our Iron Patriot, our head of security and one of my favorite people in the world. We'll talk with him more next week.

Thank you, everybody, and we'll see you soon. Up next, the Ding Dong Show in a Death Squad doubleheader, just like every other Monday, here in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. Scum of town Pirates Scum of town Lakers Scum of town Ice cream Scum of town