KILL TONY - KILL TONY #101

Episode Date: June 4, 2015

Andrew Santino, Michael Kosta, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 04/06/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to DeathSquad.TV, click on Tour Dates. You'll see that we have Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store at 8pm. It's a free show. Go to ComedyStore.com to reserve your free tickets to make sure you get a seat. Also, every Friday we are at the Ice House in Pasadena for a comedy show. And you go to IceHouseComedy.com for the latest tickets. And also, don't forget, once a month we do a huge show at the comedy store in the main room. It's called the Death Squad Secret

Show. It's always got national headliners. Like we've had Louis C.K., Dane Cook, Joe Rogan, Joey, like just everybody. Doug Stanhope's even been on it. So check it out. A lot of times we have surprise guests that pop in. We have a show tonight, actually, and the surprise guests are crazy. So check it out, Death Squad Secret Show. You can always find all the latest tour dates and information by going to deathsquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. Awesome. This just started Death Squad Toronto, July 18th.

Me and Dean Del Rey will be a big picture in Toronto, Canada. This is going to be an awesome comedy show. We're also going to do a live podcast. It's going to be a big, crazy, there's going to be burlesque dancers. What? It's going to be nuts. It's going to be a huge party. So check it out.

July 18th in Toronto, me and Dean Del Rey. Don't forget to go to shop squad TV for all the latest t-shirts hats gears and everything we I went through and found a bunch of t-shirts that were never put into the system so there's a bunch of shirts in stock right now so if you've been looking for a shirt for a while now is your chance to get a death squad shirt that you wanted that maybe has been sold out but it's been selling fast. We had 18 different styles of shirts in stock last week,

and now we are already down five of them are already sold out. So go there right now, shopsquad.tv. Also, don't forget about Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. You can get all his merch there and his tour dates. So check that out. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Inchcliffe. Oh, shit. We're doing it again, everybody. Welcome. Episode 99 of Kill Tony is happening right now. Hi, live audience. How are you?

Fuck yeah. For those of you joining us via Ustream right now, the hundreds and the hundreds of people, special shout out to you guys. It's all happening. Hi, live audience. Welcome. You guys excited? It's always fun. You have that fun Monday evening energy, sort of still in shock

from the great stylings of our one and only band leader, the great Pat Reagan, everybody. There he is. Here with the one and only Brian Redband, everybody. Hi, guys. He's always here on the ones and the twos, and you can find us one week from today in the main room, already almost sold out, Kill Tony 100,

featuring the likes of Bruce Buffer. Maybe a special visit from some past characters, including the great Brody Stevens will be there at some point. Look out. Other big names as well. Huge names. Maybe a guy whose name rhymes with Bill Burr might be there.

And maybe I'm just not allowed to announce that. Dilbert? Was that you? What the fuck? Like the Office cartoon, Dilbert? No, that doesn't really cleanly rhyme with Bill Burr. That's more of a Burt. Just throwing it out there. If it was Bill Burt, then yes that doesn't really cleanly rhyme with Bill Burr. That's more of a Burt. Just throwing it out there.

If it was Bill Burt, then yes, it would be Dilbert. You did. You floated it out there. 0 for 1, Pat Reagan tonight. We're going to see how that develops as the show goes on. By the way, you can also catch Brian and I in Vancouver, 420. How about that? What a coincidence.

We were there at 420 last year. What are the odds of that? I think I remember us barely being there on 420. What are the odds that we'd be back there again in Vancouver in a theater? Get tickets for that, our Canadian listeners. Other than that, it's all fun. Sacramento, San Francisco. Sacramento, San Francisco, the 13th and the 14th of May.

That's right. And I'm headlining Helium and Buffalo, April 30th, May 1st and May 2nd. That's it for that part, everybody. So get tickets. Not you guys. That's for all the people that listen to this show. You guys are at live right now. See what just happened there?

Like, I don't expect you guys to go to Buffalo on May 1st. All right. Fuck it. What else? We have no sponsor tonight. No sponsor. So let's just move ahead. We have our co-host, Pat Reagan, the one and the only.

He's in position, so let's get it started, guys. You know what happens. A bunch of comedians want to do a minute in front of me and other comedians. I always have two of my funniest friends on, and this thing always turns into a fucking blowout. It's about to happen right now when I bring up two of my funniest friends. As always, put your hands together for them. It's Andrew Santino and Michael Kosta.

Oh, yeah. I got to give myself credit on this one. I booked this show so well. Always two of my favorite people. This time it's Michael Kosta and Andrew Santino. What's up, guys? Welcome back. You've both done this show before.

You know what's happening. I wanted to shake everyone's hand as I was coming in, and no one shook my hand. Her face was the best. She was such a fuck-no face. Don't touch me. How you guys doing? You were watching the championship basketball game down there,

and you sacrificed what? The end? It's still happening, but we just love stand-up comedy so much. 68 to 63, Duke. Whoa. Duke's pulling ahead again. That fucking Mike Krzyzewski's a monster, huh? Yeah, he is. He beats his wife.

Oh, no, he's good at the go-to-the-bill. This seems like a great topic for this show. I love it. People are really into sports. Let's get right into it. Every week, Pat always has a question for our guests, a question that people might want to know an answer to. So go ahead.

What's your question for tonight, Pat? Okay, I'll start with Michael. Michael, what are your top three sex positions? Top three? Sex. One. That's number one. Sex is happening, so any position is good.

I come immediately in doggy style. Missionary is boring, but it's definitely the most used in my apartment. And then the last one would be standing up somehow. Whoa, look at that.

I love how that ended in a question. I'm pretty sure I just named like seven different positions for my top three. Those are mine. That's a good question. I'm pretty sure I just named seven different positions for my top three. That's a good question. I like that one, Pat. That's why I like this system that we have set up. Sometimes you get comedians on, they get the same question about what they've done, their half-hour specials, or the this and the that.

Who gives a shit? But Pat asks the tough questions. My first sexual experience ever was in a woman's ass. Really? Wow, got a little confused, huh? When I was 17, she was very religious. It was a very good year. It was a very good year.

She was very religious, so she wouldn't let me penetrate her vagina, but the ass was okay, and I was okay with that. You know what they do now? It's called soaking. Yeah, I heard about soaking. They just stick it in and let it sit. Let it sit there. Yeah, that way it's not sex.

If you put it in the vagina and let it soak, it's not fucking. If you don't pump, it's not sex. That's what the Mormons do. Yeah, it's called soaking. The Mormons are totally okay with soaking. I love soaking. Do you guys ever soak before? I love soaking.

Like after sex, you just put it in and go to bed and you wake up the next morning? Oh, jeez. I love that. The deep soak. Yeah, the deep soak. Pat, what's your question for Andrew? Andrew, what's the worst breakup you've ever had? It's going to happen any day now. The worst breakup I've ever had. That's terrible. I've never been dumped because I'm a misogynist. So I do all the dumping. I've done all the dumping. And I think the worst for her was when I moved to Los Angeles, California. I told her the day I was moving that we were breaking up. I had the U-Haul packed and she's like she was under the impression she was going to come with and I just said, I'm going to go without you. You used her as a mover.

Yeah, put all that stuff in. That goes over here. I made her do the Tetris of stuff and I was like, I don't like you enough to take you. I got to go. Wow. Oh well. Life goes on for me. You know what I mean? Not for

her. Oh, I love it. That is a bad breakup. Good questions. Good questions. Put goes on for me. You know what I mean? Not for her. Oh, I love it. That is a bad breakup. Good questions. Good questions. Put your answer up for Pat Reagan, everybody. He's going to be there all night. Good questions. The band leader.

The acapella band leader. The one-man band. And that woman turned in to be Megan Fox. Do you ever talk to her anymore? Megan and I don't communicate as much as we used to. Not after she went with the bag with Brian Austin Green. We really don't see eye to eye. Oh, geez.

We're just two totally different people now. You know what I mean? We have different values. Boom. Special shout out to Megan Fox out there, everybody. Let's get this party started. You guys know what it is. Over 30 comedians signed up for the opportunity, all knowing what they were getting into, to

perform 60 seconds of stand-up comedy in front of you and my friends here comedians you know you're 60 seconds up when you hear the sound of a kitty you know that means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear Okie dokie. A little complex one this week. That's just a live sound feed from Rage on Santa Monica Boulevard, by the way. That's just not even... The leopard ate the bear, and then the bear got eaten by a rooster, it sounded like. So it's a special one tonight.

I'm really excited about this. So let's get it started, shall we? Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Will Moore. I know Will Moore. I know Will Moore. There he is, Will Moore, everybody. 17. 17. There he is, Will Moore, everybody. I drove here from Ohio.

Is this like him? I had to drive through Kansas, and it was amazing. It was everything they said it was. Just devastated by natural disaster the entire way through. I was terrified the entire time I was driving. I was like, why is Google always leading me into the middle of nowhere? Is Google Maps going to rape me? It was either going to be a brutal rape

or a sweet bonfire. Either way, I'm game. Tired of living, love to party. Can you see how bright this candle's burning? I think that's it with the Kansas. Still have 30 seconds left. All right. The second day of driving through Kansas.

About four hours of going 90 miles per hour. i was losing my fucking mind because there was nothing everywhere and i saw an ambulance coming down the other way with its lights on i was like oh that's a dead person in there the last thing i saw was a gas station and that closed at noon i don't have high hopes keep going finish it i don't have high hopes for a hospital in that area fuck yeah there is nothing in Kansas wow I loved that did you think that was about a minute the first time you stopped it felt like a minute to you no I know it was short but what's crazy guys this is absolutely so insane is that out of all the names in the bucket I actually know Wilmore I did stand up like two or three years ago in Ohio you were sitting in the front row,

and I started doing crowd work on him because look at him, right? I mean, will I take low-hanging fruit? Absolutely. By the way, Will, fruit is this thing that people eat that's really, really good for them. Anyway, so I see Will, and I start doing crowd work on him, and I never do this, even though I almost always open up every show, you know, sort of lighting people up in the front. I found you to be so hilarious looking, and he had such a great laugh.

He was taking all the jokes so well that I actually brought him on stage. Do you remember this? Yeah, I totally remember him because we had sex with him later. Oh, I see what you did there. Yeah, we totally raped him. You guys are Google Maps. That all makes sense. That joke came around.

We took him to Kansas. And then you started doing stand-up comedy. Yeah. And you've been doing it ever since. So watching Tony inspired you. You said, I know I can at least do that. Right, exactly. That was about it.

So you really drove all the way. Because when I moved here, I think, did you do the same, Tony? I drove out here in a U-Haul all the way from Ohio and that was one of the worst drives ever. Now, did you just do that just to save some money on a plane ticket or are you living in your car? Or you just, did you move out here? No, I'm just here for a few weeks. I can't rent a car because I'm not 23 yet. Right. So that's a problem. Oh. I don't want to be able to drive. That's why you rent a U-Haul because you only have to be 18.

Oh. Boom. You just learned some hacking. You could rent a plane ticket, though, still being under 23. Yeah. But that was expensive and you thought,

I'm going to drive it. I wanted to see the country and everything. How was it? A lot of it was really good. Yeah. Yeah. But you only remember Kansas

for some reason. It was fucking awful. Now, Colorado, sweet treat after driving like nine hours through Kansas. Yeah. And by the looks of things, you love sweet treats, right, Will? I miss this. Now, you're a part of the Death Squad Ohio, which a lot of people don't know. It's a group of like 20 or 30 people strong. It's like almost

a gang in Ohio. Have you been getting up in Columbus, but going to the Funny Bone and all the other local places? I'm in Cincinnati. Cincinnati? Get up around there. Go Bananas Comedy Club is fantastic. Oh, special shout out to Go Bananas. I love it.

There's a bar next attached to the Go Bananas. What happens whenever I go to Cincinnati is you perform and then you go blackout. That's what happens every single time. Am I right or wrong? I'm right. Did you say every city that you go to? Every city, yes.

I find the Kansas joke funny because it's coming from Ohio, which I know you're Ohioan, but to me they aren't that much different. They really, really are. You're a Buckeye. Ohio also has a bunch of major cities and freeways and shit. Kansas is just nothing. It's just

dog shit garbage. I'm from Chicago. I've never been to either of those places. Really? Ohio or Kansas. You've never been to Columbus or Cleveland? The real answer is why? Millions of people. Ohio, I agree with. But, like, we had that in Chicago.

Well, I mean, I'm just surprised. You haven't done a show in Ohio? I refuse to go there. I get an offer, and I go, yeah, right, dude. I'll see you later. No, I just have never. Maybe Go Bananas will take me. And then you want to open?

Oh, yeah. All right. I'll make the arrangement now. If I go, you'll open. Yeah. I'm promising you. There you go. Fuck yeah.

Will Moore opening something other than a Snickers bar. Pat, what do you think about Will? What's your story over there? I see the wheels turning. Well, you got this chair face, Will. Yeah, he does. How old are you? 18. 18. Wow see the wheels turning. You got this chair of a face, Will. Yeah, he does. How old are you? 18. Wow, look at that.

Even at 18 years old, you still look like a pedophile's dream. I have a joke about having a baby face. It's my opener. Having a baby face? Well, say it, you fucking weirdo. Alright. I'm 18 and I look young.

People tell me all the time, I've got a baby face. And I did not know that that many babies were morbidly obese. That's just what they started saying. I love that your opener just trickles out into nothing. It got real real for a second there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just a thing I'm dealing with right now. You'd love my suicide jokes I

love that stuff's my favorite the more death stuff you can put out is my favorite kid do you have another suicide joke let's hear another one yeah all right I've got this idea for an app that rates guns based on how they taste. Do that. Do that. That's your opener. What have I fucking created? Look at this.

He's been doing comedy three years. He's 18, this motherfucker. A year and a half. This is the future. That is much more interesting than driving through Kansas, in my opinion. Give me one more. Do you have another one? I'd really want to hear another one.

All right. I joke about suicide a lot, and whenever I do, people are always like, hey, man, you've got a lot to live for. Life is beautiful. You've got a lot of potential. Why would you want to kill yourself? I'm like, fuck you. This one's free. I'll do what I want.

Your beautiful life is a pen from the bank to me. I just got this on accident. Whatever. I don't understand any of that joke. I get it. I get it. But what I love is that not only does he have suicide jokes, you had a suicide segue there.

Did you hear it? A lot of people tell me I joke too much about suicide. That's powerful. You had that cleaning off. And you have suicidal stage presence because those suicidal jokes with your voice together, perfect. We all feel like you're going to kill yourself tonight.

He's the only guy that's written a suicide note in a cookbook before. He loves it. He fucking takes it. Will gets it. There's a lot of guys that have been doing this 10 years, 40 years old that can't take a joke as good as Will can at 18 like a fucking trooper. Put your hands together for Will Moore, everybody.

Good job, Will. There he goes. And it has begun. Will, don't kill yourself. Will, don't kill yourself. No, Will, he's not killing himself. Keep doing comedy. You're great.

You're fucking great. It's not what I live for, bro. He's a very good comedian. He's not killing himself tonight. You were the best that me and Tony ever had. Fuck yeah. Stellar callback. Somehow I believe that.

Follow Will Moore on Twitter at TheNeedlesM. And do follow him. Even his Twitter handle is suicidal. Oh, we know this guy too. He's a favorite here on Kill Tony. He's been on a few times. Very, very, very funny young rising comic. Put your hands together for Tam Pham, very, very funny young rising comic.

Put your hands together for Tam Pham, everybody. Tam Pham. I'm excited about this. Just a drop of water in and in the sea. Tam Pham. In second grade, my parents came to a spelling bee that I did not win. And that sucked. Imagine you're me, right, and there's this eight-block drive home

with your disappointed Vietnamese dad, and you have to explain, second place is still pretty good. Do you know what that drive is like? I don't. He made me walk home that day. But there is a happy ending. My dad is now burning in hell. I'm saying that metaphorically. Burning in hell is just what I call living in Fresno. I occasionally meet Asian people who did not do well in school, but never any with ADHD or dyslexia.

Apparently there's only one learning disability that affects Asians. Being Filipino. There's not enough Adderall in the world. Okay, thanks everybody. Wow, he fucking just knew it. He knew it. You have a good internal clock, Tam Fam.

Tam Fam, are you on Twitter or anything? Or what's... You have a good internal clock, Tam Fam. Tam Fam, are you on Twitter or anything? I mean, that's ballsy to wear your Twitter handle on your T-shirt. That's not the word you're looking for. Ballsy is not it. Stupid is the one. I thought that was hilarious that you're so funny. The thing I like about you least is that you're promoting your fucking Twitter handle on your shirt. But I thought your stand-up was great, man.

It was great. Yeah, this is your fourth or fifth time on, right? Something like that. And every time you've worn the shirt. I'm just curious. How many followers do you have, TamFam? 200-something. 200-something.

So that's working for you, that shirt? I like it. I want to see Valvoline patches and Mountain Dew stripes. It'd be very ironic that an Asian guy is the one dressed like a NASCAR, so that'd be perfect.

Do you wear it out in public during the day or only to shows? Just to shows. Just to shows. Change your business model. Because if you wore it during the day,

I assume you'd get more humans. Funny people don't wear that shit. That's funny stand-up comedy, at least to me. I thought that was funny stand-up comedy, but it doesn't. The fact that you're over-promoting to me fucks with my brain, me personally. That's who I am.

That being said, you guys should follow me at... I don't know. That's not true. So, Tam Fam, what do you think about this? With the only advice being about your shirt, don't you think that's a pretty good problem to have? It is pretty good. I could have bombed, shirt, don't you think that's a pretty good problem to have? It is pretty good. I could have bombed, so yeah, I guess that's all right. Right.

Maybe your mom can just dry clean off the letters and then you'll have a really cool plain blue T-shirt. Was there an opportunity for him to, I think it was funny when he says, my dad burning in hell, and I almost wanted him to spell out one of the words. Like, hell, H-E-L-L. Or I don't know.

I don't know. To me, the spelling bee is fucking hilarious because most people can't offer the point of view of being in a spelling bee, I don't think. I've never done a professional spelling bee where my dad drove me and stuff. Well, how does the part of the spelling be? Because I don't. I had to walk home. Yeah. I think that might be where it is. H-O-M-E.

Or spell it wrong. Home. All right. H-O-M-M-E. Yeah, homie. P-H-O-M-E. Like pho? Foam?

Foam. Pho? Pho? Pho? He's a bad guy? Is he disappointed in you now? I haven't talked to him in a very long time. Is he dead?

You haven't talked to him in how long? Maybe like ten years. Since you played second at the spelling base the last time you talked to him. That was it. Do you want to call him right now? No. No, you don't. You don't want to call him right now?

No. This is a really good opportunity to call him right now and show him that you're doing very well in front of a lot of people. It may improve your Twitter followers. I think you should do it. Tam, if you do it, it's going to steal the show. Do you have his number? Do you want to steal the show and do it? No.

Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam! All of his insecurities dripping out of his brain, taking over his body. You don't have his number. You don't even have his number, do you? I do, yeah. The music, the music. I really want to call him. Tam, let's fucking do this.

Why do you want to not talk to him? He's a dick. He's a dick. Let's call him a dick. All the more reason to call him. Yeah. Look at what's going on right now. Don't you realize you're having more fun

than your loser dad has in his entire life? Exactly right. So let's call him and bust his balls about it. You don't want to? Look at the support you have from all these people. Don't you realize you're having more fun than your loser dad has in his entire life? So let's call him and bust his balls about it. You don't want to? Look at the support you have from all these people. Isn't that great?

That's a fucking great thing. Tam, we can have Josh Martin do it. Come on, Tam Fam. Pull out your phone, hit send, put it on speaker. Let's do this.

Tam's dad is at home in a t-shirt that says at Tam Fam Dad's Comedy. And he has 217 followers. He has a little bit more. I don't want him to call his dad. I do. That's because I'm from the Midwest and my parents love me.

I don't want to experience this. Yeah, but he has the opposite issue. I know. He needs the love. But it makes me feel uncomfortable. How about this? How about we just have your dad yell as loud

as he can from Fresno because I'm pretty sure by the looks of your ears you'll be able to hear exactly what he's saying. Tam! Maybe he's watching on Ustream, right? Yeah, he's Ustreaming. Is your real name Tam Pam? Yeah. Bummer.

I was like, God, be a stage name. Please be a stage name. The irony is that he's obviously not even that close with his fam. Yeah. So ironic. Well, Tam, I really wish you would have called your dad. You were absolutely hilarious. You're great, Tam.

Every single time, it's a brand new minute, and he's always so funny. You're very funny, Tam. Put your hands together for Tam Pam. That's the crazy stuff that happens. I wanted him to call his dad so bad. That's the crazy stuff that happens. That's the crazy stuff that happens. We almost talked. Tam Fam almost talked. I wasn't being helpful.

I was actually not. I didn't. I was being a bitch because I just, that's like a real life thing. Yeah. This is real life. This is real. I know this is real life. This is real fucking life. But him facing his father after 12 years on the Kill Tony podcast would be great for ratings.

Come on. But it may injure his life. Why is that a bad thing? It may fuck his life up forever. That's a good future bit that people have to FaceTime their parents. Oh, that'd be great. Well, I'm actually starting a podcast where everyone just calls their dad. That's not true.

But that's a good idea. Somebody can take that. Someone take it. I pulled another name out of the bucket.'s not true. But that's a good idea. Somebody can take that. Someone take it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. I think we've seen this guy a couple times. Put your hands together for Daniel White, everybody. I don't know what makes him so good. Ain't got no distractions.

Can't hear no buzz and bells. Just haven't gotten any pussy in a while. Which wouldn't be that bad, you know, like if nobody else got pussy. I mean, that's how I think of it. Like if I'm alone, like masturbating in a room and nobody else is around, I really get a sense of like accomplishment, you know, like I'm really getting away with something. And then if there's somebody in the room next door to me that

I could actually hear, it's a lot harder for me. And then after a while, if you go too long without it, people start accusing you of being gay, or me anyway, which I don't have any problem with gay people, it's just the logic's a little off to me. It's like going up to a starving kid in Africa and being like, man, you don't like food? Fag? This guy likes flies, man.

Good closer there at the end. The old silent closer. Hit by a stroke. Okay, Daniel. How do you feel about that? How did that feel for you? It went better the last couple times I tried it. I bet it did.

So this no pussy thing, what's happening? Are the girls that you're trying to hook up with watching you talk about that? That's exactly what I do. Watch Kill Tony tonight and let me talk about it. It wouldn't be that. It would be those other shows where it supposedly goes better.

So that joke has done better at other stand-up comedy venues? Yes. It's similar people, similar audience, similar... Less people, bar shows. You're used to these packed crowds, right? Usually more comics.

Usually more comics. Maybe an act-out would help. Act a jerk-off act-out? Yeah, the jerk-off act-out. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he's listening to the wall? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, listening. The listening face is always funny, but then while jerking off, it's kind of funny, too. When's the last time you got laid? Oh, that's just the opener for the bit, people. But you didn't answer the question. When's the last time you got laid? I don't think you get it, Daniel.

It's about honesty, man. Oh, it's probably a week or so. A week or so? Oh, it's been a little bit. Why wouldn't you talk about anything else in the world? I know, right. How about before the week? How long was it before that?

Not too long. It's just... So who are you trying to connect with? You're going outside of what's really happening to you to find something. There's been dry spells before. So you're a guy. Yeah. I'm not going to lie.

So your lead joke should be, I've been getting some good pussy lately. This week, last week. There's some dry spells, but I'm a guy. Right. Yeah. And then that's the joke. Well, you can still do the masturbation joke

whether you get pussy or not. Right. Because you're probably, like every male in this room, masturbating five to ten times more often than you're actually getting laid. I was hoping you said a day. I was waiting for a day. I wanted a day to be a day.

I had ten times a day. Pat, I see the wheels turning over there. What's going on? Well, Daniel, I just have some honest feedback. Whenever Pat does that, he's about to get very honest. I feel like, you know, on the material, it doesn't even, I mean, it does matter, but I think the thing you got to grapple with is your physicality on stage. It's a very, you're like kind of hunched over.

And then you like just like held the mic down at your dick at the very beginning for like three seconds. Almost like it was going to talk about not getting laid. It's not working for me. Which would be a funny bit. That would be a funny bit. It felt very acting, like you were in acting class and you were kind of doing a scene.

It was like a monologue. You were looking down and pacing back and forth. It makes the audience anxious. But don't do it if it's not real. How about the audience anxious. I was trying to go for depression. But don't do it if it's not real. How about this? This is a better way to look at it. The week ago that you did get pussy, that experience, was it fantastic?

Was it terrible? What was it? So-so. It was so-so. Is there something so-so that you can talk about? That's funny. Why was it so-so? She had flies in her pussy?

Jesus. I'm not lying. I've actually repeated their... Just start telling the truth. Stop worrying about sounding cool. Immediately. I asked her where she wanted me to finish, and her quote verbatim was, away from me.

This is a fucking joke. I mean, that's hilarious. He's doing another joke. Away from me? He's doing another joke. I know. I don't think that's real. I don't think that's a joke.

I shit you not. So where'd you finish? I just rolled over. I don't believe for one second she said that. I rolled over. What? Other way. Other way.

Where? Where did it land, you fucking? What's going on right now? On a floor of a hotel room. Is that where it was? The Sahara Inn, Sunset Boulevard. Wait a second. The amount of people that are living there.

Was it the first time you hooked up with this girl? No, it was an ex-girlfriend. It's an ex-girlfriend. So why was she at a hotel? Because I was visiting my hometown. Oh. A week ago. Yes.

And does she live at home or something? Why the hotel? Does she not have a place of her own? No. She lives with mom and dad? She lives with mom and dad. How old are you? I'm 28.

How old is she? 27. Whoops. Whoops. Gotta get out. and dad? She lives with mom and dad. How old are you? I'm 28. How old is she? 27. Whoops. Whoops. Whoops. Got to get out. Well, at least they got a hotel room. I mean, some people go fuck in the backseat of their car.

That's great they got a hotel. What was the name of the hotel? Was it a hotel or a motel? Motel. Motel 6. Holiday Inn? Motel 6. So, dude, I was fucking a week ago in a Motel 6.

Yeah, that's funny, dude. Already, I'm there. I'm with you. I see it. I physically see that dirtbag hotel. I believe you. Based off your look, I believe you that that's true. Of course.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah, definitely. Free HBO. You're there. I'm pounding my X. Right. And she says, come anywhere but on me. Away from me.

Near me. What is it? Away from me? Away from me. Fantastic. And that's a reflection of your whole being i mean that genuinely that's funny then it's funny then it's that's funnier to me than the masturbation joke that that is to me to me i also think someone said it over here wasn't even me but

uh if you if as a comic you look anxious unless it's like you own the own it and you're like you're the weird anxious guy but if you look anxious guess what the audience feels anxious and no one laughs when they're feeling fucking anxious So I would like you to feel more look more comfortable on stage But most likely that comes from just doing tons and tons of sets and you're gonna look more comfortable on stage if you start talking About things that are actually happening to you instead of playing some character. That's even sadder than the one that you already are Yeah, it's very dramatic, and I think in a comedy club, it's very hard to pull that off when everyone's just like, what's going

on up here? What's up with this guy? So what we learned today was... And hold the mic up to your face. Tell the truth. Tell the truth. That truth is always funnier than, I don't get fucked ever. How long?

When you said, I haven't been fucked in a while, you know, the first instinct is like, okay, yeah, for sure, I see it. But, and I'm just being honest, like, okay, big fucking deal. Like, I can see that about most people I see. But when you say, hey, I just fucked a week ago, and here's the tragedy of it, then that's connectable and funny. Then people are like, I know that. I've been that.

I've had that. Instead of I haven't fucked in forever. First thing though is just like. What was the sex like at this Motel 6? Oh, it was awful. How long did it last? Oh, actually quite a while. Right.

Or alcohol involved, I mean. In some alternate universe, she's at an open mic show saying the exact same thing. It was awful. You should see this guy. He wears dress shoes with jeans. It's like this whole... He found this sweater at the Motel 6 and just put it on. I'm going to keep this.

Yeah, you should. I think you have... I don't know, but I bet you have interesting hair. And I bet if you took the hat off... I've got that on the show before. I think your hair would... I don't even know the show before, actually. I think your hair would... I don't even know, but my guess is you have funny-looking hair, and that will add to it. There he is.

I like it better. I like that better. I like it way better. I like that better. Now he's the guy from Undateable, everybody. Look, it happens that quick. Put your hands together for Daniel White, everybody. There he goes.

He's on Twitter at Dano Comedy, so you can follow him. You show watchers and listeners, you. It's at Dan O'Comedy. I can't wait until we get stabbed by one of these guys. I know. Years later on Sunset. This is episode 99. I've survived 99 of these.

It's any day now, man. Crazy, right? 100 is when you get your first stabbing. I'd be really disappointed if anybody tried to kill Tony. What happened to the best? Episode 100. Next week, everybody. I pulled another name out, and it is Lane Smith Jr.

Sounds like a new name to me. Lane Smith Jr., everybody. What's going on? Oh, God. I have the sweatiest hands in the world. iPhone, fuck Oh, God. I have the sweatiest hands in the world. iPhone. Fuck you, iPhone. Can't use it. Swipe right. Yeah, right.

Accept a call. No. I need to slide right. Wow, that bombed. It's actually... I have an issue with women and sweaty hands because I can only go so far without touching them with my hands. And I've got to sit them down and have a talk. I'm not a serial killer.

I'm not a rapist or anything like that. But I've got mops for hands, and I just want you to know. I'm so sick and tired of seeing women give me that what-the-fuck look when I touch them with my wet rags um you know you know uh you know you know in movies there's that guy hanging off the cliff right and then there's that other guy that runs up and he's supposed to save him i'm not that fucking guy you're gonna die tonight because i because I got hands like fish. Fuck yeah.

Interesting. I fucking love it. You turned it around. I thought he was sinking quick in the first 10 seconds. Little did I know that we were dealing with the one and only Wet Hands comedian, Lane Smith Jr. How fucking original, unique to him, interesting point of view. That's fucking hilarious. That's what I'm saying. You called your wet hands

like nine different names. And they all made me laugh. Fish, wet rag, mops. I want to see an hour of wet... They're glistening right now. Look at that. Dude, your first album is called Wet Hands.

And I want it to be one hour long. And at the end of the hour, you just accidentally drop the mic. It just slips through and you walk off. Please tell me you have a bit where you don't need lotion or oil for masturbating. Oh, yeah. No, I've saved so much money in lotion my entire life. How many minutes?

Actually, the first time. No, I've been working on it. The first time. I can see the microphone is wet. Whoa, it's so wet. Hey, Josh. Look it, look it. The first time... I can see the microphone is wet. Whoa, it's so wet. Hey, Josh. Look it, look it. I'm not kidding.

Josh. Oh, my God. Josh, we need a towel. Oh, my God. This is scary. Josh, when you're getting a towel, get me another beer, Josh. Now...

I can see it dripping down his hand on the mic. Do you have... Look, show the fucking audience that. Do you have... No, show the audience. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. Hey. Do you have to? Oh. Don't wipe your face. I'm giving massages downstairs

for $5 after the show. I do men and women. Look at the looks on people's faces. Look at the women. They're like, fuck. But dude, my college... Good thing your hands are wet because you're only going to be touching dry pussies

for the rest of your life. That's fucking disgusting. No, it's great. He starts fingering a chick and she's immediately soaking wet. It's like, oh my God, I'm so wet and I don't even like you. I'm being raped, but I'm soaking wet.

So true. My college roommate had... I forget what it's called. Is it hydro, what's it? Aquamanitis. Yeah, I don't, yeah. No, it's like, it's a medical term. Hydrohytosis. Fucking embarrassing is what it's called.

Something like that, right? So this guy, he was my roommate. I mean, it was debilitating for him. When he would go to a social function, he would try to shake hands with girls. Dude, it was a nightmare. He had surgery. They went in his armpits, and they clamped his sweat valves.

He would have sex with girls, and he'd have to change all the sheets. All the fucking sheets. Like being a squirter. Does it smell? Does it have a smell? No. No.

Don't say it like it's such a bad thing. I mean, like, we're the assholes. No! You ever experience this? No, my squirting hands don't smell. Sweaty, smelly hands is way worse. That's so fucking weird. All your life?

Yeah. All your life? Yeah, my whole life. What about writing? Oh, awful, dude. I can't do it. There's so many things I can't do. What sports did you play as a kid?

Basketball, baseball? Don't throw me for the game-winning shot. Don't throw it to me. Wow. I'm running away from it. How many minutes of wet hands material do you think you have? You had to guess. Probably about a good 10 minutes.

That's amazing. I see hours of material. I see hours. It's my thing, you know? Oh, trust me. We got that. Yeah, you have it. That's all we know about you.

Keep it. If you're at a standing ovation, it's just like a mist cloud around you. Oh, dude. I get weird looks from people in front of me because they're getting splash downs from me clapping. Wow. But this is what... Jesus Christ. This is what I love stand-up comedy.

Because we celebrate these weird fucking things in our life, and it's honored here in this space. You should sell merch, but it's like those plastic gloves and you shake hands with people. There we go. I just made you an extra $28. I loved it. I thought it was super funny.

At first I thought you were going to be fucking terrible. But then you got into the personal shit and I was loving it. It was great. Where are you from, Lane? I'm from LA. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Whoa! What? Really?

There you go. You hear the sound of that random bird and you know that it's somebody's first time here on Kill Tony. We also was doing this, though. This good? This? This? It's got better grip on top of the mic. Oh, my God.

Dude, you're going to be a fucking legend. Holy shit. That is crazy. This is why I'm a germaphobe. Are you a germaphobe? Do you want to switch seats? Do your feet sweat too? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. The way you just said, oh, yeah. I love it. I love how honest he's being. Obviously, he has no choice. He has no choice. My feet sweat.

Now, the feet, if they sweat too much, there's a smell. And the guy that manages the house I live at, he makes me keep my shoes in the shed. What? Go to the shed! You guys have a shed? We have a shack. And you have to keep your stuff out there? My shoes.

It's just a shed filled with his shoes and his gloves. Hey, Pat, will you shake hands with him real quick? Oh, my God. Ah! That pushed me out. What was the point of that, Brian, just to gross yourself out? I don't know. And then Josh gives him a towel.

Oh, my God. I just solved California's drought problem. There you go. More Lane Smith Jr. Wow. So this is your first time on stage performing, and you're killed with the wet hands thing. You're already talking about honest stuff.

You're already in the mix. I like your style, Lane. Come back again soon. I will. You're the wet hands comedian. The wet-handed bandit. The wet-handed bandit. Fuck yeah.

All right, give us five, guys. Give them a hand, everybody. Give them a hand. A normal hand. Oh, my God. It's pretty wet. I'll go like that. I'll just take that.

It's pretty wet. Fist bumps for life, Lane. Fist bumps for life. I was worried he was going to electrocute himself. That was wet. That was really wet. All right. Can you picture him in the shower just slipping everywhere?

Okay. I feel for him. I feel for him. You feel what? What's all this sympathy coming from you tonight? I know. What are you? I love stand-up comics, and this is, you know, stand-up comedy is hard,

but I also forget this is Kill Tony, and we can say whatever the fuck we want. Yeah, it's the war zone. His hands were gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking disgusting. stand-up comedy is hard, but I also forget this is Kill Tony and we can say whatever the fuck we want. It's the war zone. His hands were gross. I refuse to shake that kid's hand. I would not do it. Smell your hand real quick. It's weird. It's fine, actually. Isn't that an old joke?

You hit my hand and break my nose? It's an old trick. Peer hands together for my friends. They're a great rock and roll band. 28 North, everybody. It's a packed house, but sit over here, guys. Just come down. Keep coming.

Coming in late. Hey, 28 North, don't forget to follow at TamFamComedy. Yeah, whatever you do, just follow TamFam, guys. Amazing rock and roll band. Saw them at the Viper Room a couple weeks ago. What? Oh, okay. Well, it's the lead singer of the band and some fucking other guys that play in different bands by the looks of them.

We're huge fans. We're huge fans. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Christina Asadonan. It's true. Make a better day. Just you and me. We are the world. Hey, guys.

What's up? So in case you couldn't tell by that really colorful last name, I'm Armenian. And I think white guys like to date me because it's the closest they can get to fucking Kim Kardashian. But seriously though, I think dating Armenian chicks is like a good buffer zone for white guys because I'm exotic enough where you can play out

your weird Princess Jasmine fetish but safe enough to take home to your politically conservative dad. Like I met my ex's dad once, and he was like, wait, so you guys are Christian? I'm like, yeah, just disregard my face. We're really Christian, actually. Like I went to Armenia, and I had the cell service there, and we got text alerts literally about Christ's rising. So we're super Christian.

So yeah, white dads come around, but I wish the TSA did. Every time I go to the airport, me and this white girl are wearing the same uniform. Sweatpants, college sweatshirt, top bun. I just have aggressive eyebrows. That's it. There you go. And that's exactly one minute right there. That's how it happens.

Am I saying that right? Is it Christina Asadonian? That was pretty... No, you were... Donan. Asadorian. Asadorian. Oh, yeah, your R's look like N's.

Gotcha. But it's my first time, too, so I won't... Wow. I had a feeling. That was my next question. I could hear it. Yeah, I'm really nervous. It's great.

Well, congratulations. Thank you. I'm a big fan of you guys, so yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Welcome to Kill Tony. Thank you so much. So how long have you wanted to do stand-up for?

What have you been doing before this? It's weird. I like to be hot in relative positions. Step forward and stop hiding behind the stool. It's all okay. So I do politics and comedy, so I like to be relatively hot. Relatively hot? That was bad. Like, hot in relative positions.

Like, I'm hot relative to the career. Okay, you're pulling a Daniel White on me right now. I just need you to answer the questions honestly without trying to slide in material. I went to school for political science in UC Santa Cruz. I'm here, but I've always wanted to do comedy, and I think watching you guys, I just was like, okay, I got to do it. For the very first time, very personal, which I love.

I'm also very glad that your first Armenian joke wasn't about the eyebrows, because I feel like every fucking comic does the eyebrow. Yeah, but I'm glad you didn't open with. I thought it was really funny and really good. Even right now, as we're talking, you're backing up trying to hide behind the curtain. It's like subconscious. This is your fucking time. So get up there and share with us your point of view, because we want to fucking.

Where are you going? Where are you trying to escape to? Is this an ice stage? Alright, go to the edge of the stage there and try to stay there. Don't fucking move. Oh shit. Let's see how long you can stay there. Is that scary for you for some reason? Well it is scary, but this is fucking awesome.

It is a scary thing. Yeah, this is how you get over it. And you don't have to worry. You did really, really good. I mean, for the first time, that was really good. I thought you've done it a few times at least. The Kardashian joke's pretty funny.

I think that's 100% true. I think that's one powerful thing Kardashian has done is now that every time I see an Armenian woman, I want to put my dick in her. It's like soak or fuck her? Soak, soak, soak. Marinate.

But it was good. You just have to keep on going up now that you have the bug. And usually it always, I mean, from my experience of talking to people, your first time's always usually your best. So if you get back on there and you don't have a good set the second time or the third time,

just remember it always gets better. It's just that it's usually your first time. It's more of like, I went on stage. The first time you say, I went on stage, and that nervousness is over. Christina, what else other than going to Santa Cruz? Yeah, exactly. What else is there to you? You went to Santa Cruz, you're Armenian.

What else? I mean, I think my just whole experience going up there too, like I didn't realize it was such a big deal in L.A. You know, everyone has, everyone's, like, ethnic here. Going to Armenia, you mean? No, no, no, in L.A. I was born in L.A. I'm a huge stereotype.

Yeah, I'm a huge stereotype. I'm from Glendale, like, the biggest stereotype ever. But I went to school in Santa Cruz, and I was just confronted by, like, how aggressive my face is because people would be like, where are you from? And I'm like, shit, I can't hide this. But you said that you did go to Armenia. Yeah, I did right after graduation.

Did you Uber there? That's good. I don't think she's Armenian, Tony. Oh, yeah? Wait a second. Why would that be, Pat? Not wearing any gold. I'm wearing an Armenian necklace, so I'm actually like...

So what's at the end of an Armenian necklace? A bottle of cologne? Isn't it weird, though, if she was in Ohio, no one would think she's Armenian, they would think she's Italian or something, and you're like, oh, my face is harsh. No, it's not. You'll just look like a girl with brown hair. Right. If Meadow Soprano was in

Glendale, people would be like, what is this Armenian doing here? Sopranos was a show that was a big hit in the early 2000s, guys. It was a little bit of a reach, but I re-watched it. I watched it recently, and it's just better than anything. So you only fuck white guys?

Yeah. You know, I... What was that? Wait a second. I love Santino out of left field. So you only fuck white guys wearing blue baseball caps with red hair underneath? White hoodie named Andrew. How white?

Santino, is she going to... Like see-through white? How white are we talking? Like I try to make up for how ethnic I am and just go, like, full. So you like pale white guys? Yeah, like gingers. Do you want to open for Andrew and go bananas in Cincinnati? Yeah.

Wait, what? That sums it up. When you heard your name get called, were you nervous because you had to go up after sweaty hands and touch that fucking disgusting microphone that's giving me the heebie-jeebies? It's pretty dry, so. Yeah. Well, you do some jokes about your last name, which is awesome, but... Let me see. Well, Tony only said it

and then you didn't say it, so I only heard it once and it was from Tony reading it. So just say, my last name is... Just keep saying it to us so we know what the fuck you're talking about. You're a Coptic Christian? What does that mean? Okay.

Wow. What fucking. What is Coptic Christian? My landlord was Coptic Christian. She was one of you guys. And I just figured you guys. I just put two and two together and just assumed you guys are all the thing, you know? Have you ever dated an Armenian guy?

No. Really? No. That laugh is dated an Armenian guy? No. Really? No. That laugh is so great. No. No. You laughed at that like a normal white girl would laugh at that. Oh, my God.

No. Why would I ever? Do you have Armenian girlfriends or most of them are white girls? Yeah. We're Armenian by blood, but I mean. But strong Christian? No. I'm definitely.

It's just. Wait. Are you Christian or no? No. I went to the country and that was literally a true story. You got text alerts about that. How are your parents about white guys? They don't know.

They do not. That's so funny. Bring him out here. Get him out here. Mr. and Mrs. Asadarian. Wow, I've never heard that before, that response. I've never heard, you know, how do your parents feel about white guys? They don't know. We do have them here.

I've only heard that with black guys and white people. It's so funny to hear that white people are like black guys to Armenian parents. Oh, I could never tell them. That's amazing. Has it always been that way? You're just not attracted to... It's not so much about the physicality.

I think they wouldn't want to date me. I'm way too jaded and I don't know. Sounds Armenian. Sounds perfect. Shit, No. Sounds Armenian. Yeah. Sounds perfect. Shit. Okay.

Sounds perfect. Are your parents landlords? No. Did you do any open mics before this or anything like that? No, it's my first time. So how does it feel? Are you going to do it? Yeah, I'm really psyched.

I came here two weeks ago and I'm really psyched, yeah. here two weeks ago, and I'm really psyched, yeah. You know how stand-up comedy works? Every open mic, there's always four bitter, pissed comics that judge you after each show. You know that, right? Sometimes they have a microphone, sometimes they don't. That's how it goes. I didn't endorse any of that.

Can we edit the last thing I just said, please? Thank you very much. What's the biggest takeaway you know now not to... From this experience? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just... The right answer is that I want to fuck Angie Santino. That's what the right answer is.

Right. Well, wrong according to her dad, but... No, don't keep fading back. I'm here. I'm still here. No, no, I'm just kidding. When you're performing, just don't fade away into the back because you feel like you want to hide.

And I get it. I get that you want to be too close to the guys in the front row because And the only way to break that is like what we were telling you is just attack it straight on Stay at the absolute edge if that's where you need to be and just stare out and fucking until you break the habit completely Then that's gone then everything else will be good People notice when you hide behind the stool in the mic stand. I wasn't even noticing that. You won't, but that's why we're giving you the note. Way to go, Asadorian.

I'm so glad you started here with us on Kill Tony. Christina Asadorian, everybody. Another first time. We did it again. Follow her on Twitter at samfamcomedy. Jesus, I have no idea.

SamFam's got like 10,000 followers this time. Have you guys ever fucked an Armenian? I've never fucked an Armenian woman. No, dude, which is weird because I'm very attracted to them since moving to Los Angeles. I've never really seen them, but then I moved here and I really am super attracted to them. But no, I don't know. They stick to their own kind.

That's what I thought. But any time I thought. But any time I thought one was cute, and then I had to go to the Verizon store, and one of their men just somehow stole $1,000 off my credit card through poor negotiating tactics on my part, and then I go, you know what? Fuck that whole... everything about those people.

Wow. Little baby Hitler over here. They're so business aggressive. They're so aggressive. Fuck the entire people. An exact quote from Michael Kosta. They're so business aggressive. They're so aggressive. Fuck the entire people. An exact quote from Michael Kosta. They're so business aggressive, I can't take it.

Tell them about the Jews that you don't like, too. They don't work at the Verizon store. Oh, my God. They own the Verizon store. Next up in the bucket. I mean, you should really try to make friends with an Armenian

sometime, you know? They could make a really good buddy. I'll use this as an opportunity to make friends with an Armenian sometime. You know, they could make a really good buddy. I'll use this as an opportunity to invite them. Buddy. Buddy. Just very good. Sliced it right off. Your next comedian.

Wow, this is like a, okay. It's a little theme going on with Asian little guys. Put your hands together for Alex Duong. Duong. Duong. Alex Duong. You guys ever had oral sex so good you want to yelp it? Just like ambiance was accommodating. She took care of the stepchildren. Swallow her five stars. Ambiance was accommodating. She took care of the stepchildren. Swallow her five stars.

And now I'm dating her. I'm dating her, guys. And she's Asian, too, which is crazy because they're not my type. They're not. Like, and now, like, I think I'm in love because she met the parents and all. They love her. And it's great because it was either bring home a hit sitcom or an Asian girl. They have the same effect, guys.

They have the same effect. And my mom, she's a little older. So she's like, oh, you know, it'd make me nothing happier to bring home a grandchild. I'm like, you just met. I just met. I just introduced you, mom. Come on. I can't knock her up right here.

But I want to. And then I looked at her. I know I love her. My parents love her because I looked her in her eyes. And I was like, mm, you're going to make a great starter wife. There you go, Alex Duong. Let me see the name. Alex Duong.

Alex Duong. Alex Duong. Let me see the name. Alex Duong. Alex Duong. Alex Duong. Duong. I have to say, the first thing that you said was about blowjobs, and I couldn't help but notice you have the prettiest dick-sucking lips I've ever seen in my life. I just kept thinking about you sucking my dick. The whole set. I couldn't even listen to the jokes. I think what Andrew is asking you is you exclusively only date white guys?

Well, if you let me open for you, I'll... Get in line, dude. Get in line. Now, what's interesting about Alex that I remember from the last time you were here like a couple months ago was that you used to have braces. I did.

And that was the one thing that was really noticeable about you. Like, that really stood out. So there you go, Andrew. Braces are gone, but lifts are still there. Let's see those pearlies now. Let's see. Did you have to retire all your braces material? I did.

I had a ton of brace material. It could be kind of funny to do a braces joke now and then at the end of it go, well, that was a lot funnier when I used to have braces. Okay. People are really into racial humor. I think you should just let her know. As long as it's not like, bracist.

Yeah, there you go. I just made that joke 10 seconds ago. It's not going to work for you. You don't get to just take it. You're nice and comfortable on stage. I was at ease listening. There's a good example of if the comic's comfortable, the audience is comfortable. You don't get to just take it. You're nice and comfortable on stage. I was at ease listening. There's a good example of if the comic's comfortable,

the audience is comfortable. It has a lot to do with your skin. You've got great skin. I like your use of layers. Try to fuck this guy. Try to fuck this guy. Leave me alone, will you? I like your use of layers and pumpkin spice.

Yeah, absolutely. It's a Starbucks outfit. I can't help but to notice that the wheels are turning over on Pat Reagan over there. Did you insinuate that you wanted to have sex with your girlfriend in front of your mom? No, no. That's just a joke. I'm not going to. My mom's an angel.

I'm not going to talk about that in front of her. You were just like, oh, my mom's like, you better bring an Asian girl here. And I'm like, yeah, I'll fuck her right in front of you. Yeah. Yeah, that is what you said. What? I'm not going to knock her up right here and put it in my head, but I want to. So would you if your mom was like, hey, do it now?

Put your back into it. Just do it for her. Hey, mama gets what she wants. Couldn't sitcom. Oh, darn. Couldn't sitcom. Where did that just go? I don't know.

What is your house like? Mama gets what she wants, Alex. That's what happens when you throw it at Pat. Because his fucking brain is always... I love it. Absolutely. Look at me. Look how dark fucking brain is always... I love it. Absolutely. Look at me. Look how dark and evil he is. I love Pat.

Couldn't sitcom also be a name of an Asian woman? Yeah. At Twitter? That's good. Too soon. Too soon. That's his mom's actual name. Alex. Is this girl real? Is she real? Who? Come on. The girl who's posted you ate and then yelped and then...

Yeah. Let me guess. Motel 6, Kansas. What the fuck are you talking about? Just away from me. Right. Do you live with your mom still? Oh, no, no, no.

I'm from Texas, so I live with her on my own now. Your girlfriend's name isn't Tam Pham, is it? No, it's at Tam Pham. It's at Tam Pham. Comedy, guys. At Tam Pham. Is she here? Is your girlfriend here right now? No, no, she's Pham. Comedy, guys. At Tam Pham. Is she here? Is your girlfriend here right now?

No, no, she's not. She's in Texas. Well, little do you know. Yes, she is. Come on in. Look around. There she is, everybody. That's an alien.

Wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Does she know you do that starter wife joke? No, I just wrote that today. She's not going to be happy about that. That's funny. It's comedy. She's not going to be happy about that. It's funny. It's comedy.

She's not going to be happy about so much stuff you do if she sticks around. Yes, this is the least of it. Now you're saying that she's still in Texas. What part of Texas? Dallas. Wow, that's interesting. You got out of Texas because they asked you to leave. They asked me to leave.

There's no choice to leave. You better get out of here, Brownie. I'm Asian, whatever. Yeah, yeah. There's no choice to leave. Too many Asians. Get out of here, Brownie. I'm not Asian. Whatever you are, buddy. Dude, I always love when people from Texas talk about Texas when they don't live there anymore. I think that could be a nice mine of material as well. Maybe you have some stuff on. But Texas sucks so bad that people that leave usually hate it.

Oh, come on. It's great. Fine. Okay, well, then defend. That's hilarious there. Defend Texas. What do you love about Texas? I love that you can raise a family and not get shot or murdered.

That's what I like. I was going to say strip clubs, food, the women. We have that too. Southern bells are great out there. A southern woman, there's nothing like it. They can take a punch. They already have bruises. They clean up a punch. They already have bruises. They clean up the trailers.

I don't think you should talk about Texas. I think you should talk about Georgia. Yeah. Something happened to Pat in Georgia. So, Alex, what else, man? How's it been going? You're one of the guys that has been doing stand-up for a few years, right? Yeah.

And you've been going up with any breakthroughs in your career? Anything happening? I've been getting booked more and more on shows. It's been... It's going pretty well. I can't complain, even though I complain a lot. But, you know... Sure.

I'm just happy that I'm getting booked on shows, getting more stage time. Well, congratulations on winning that big spelling bee. And congratulations... That you beat Tam Famon. And congratulations on taking rolls away from Tam. H-O-N-E. Good set. Alex Dwan, there he goes.

Anything else for Alex? We're rolling right through it today. Andrew may want to exchange phone numbers with him. Alex, are you interested at all in sex with me? You can hit him up on Twitter. He's at Dapper Dwan. What's that?

No, no, no. I'm asking you right now. Do you want to have sex after the show? Not technology is bullshit. Do you want to fuck in the green room after the show or not?

Okay. Stay in there. Stay in there. I'm dead serious. Stay in there. Charge your phone. Whatever you got to do. That's why they call it

the belly room. I'm going to line up so much dick in that room. That room's going to be filled with my dick. Always exciting when I see a new name with terrible handwriting. This is always exciting.

And it's a random apostrophe. And they put their email for their Twitter handle, so this is going to be great. I just know it. This is a win-win. Put your hands together for Von Dees, everybody. Here we go. Who knows what we're going to get? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Here we go. Who knows what we're going to get?

Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Here we go. Looks like this might be the one where I get killed, Andrew. Alright. Roaches. Who has them? Who used to live with them? Anyone?

Okay. Now, we... I've observed their behavior over time. That, you know, first of all, I'm 29. I know I don't look. I look 17 and shit. But back in the day, in the 90s, you turn on the light, they go back to where they came from, right? Quick, fast. Now these days, they go back to where they came from, right? Quick, fast. Now these days, they just stay out. You washing the dishes. I'm washing dishes the other day.

And three or four of them, they don't even run from you. They walk. Like, hey, I want you to meet my cousin. You know what I mean? For a second, I thought they were going to help me wash the dishes. One was going to wrench. One was going to help me wash the dishes. One was going to wrench. One was going to put them in the dryer. So I'm like, man.

And then on top of that, they just love to come up while you're cooking. I'm chopping up potatoes. They come up like, hey, what you cooking for dinner, nigga? I want some too. And when I'm taking a shit, I'm trying to take one in peace. Fuck yeah. Just when you thought Wet Hands was going to be the most disgusting set of the night, here he is, Von D's.

How many cockroaches do you have, man? What happened? Oh, well, see, you guys be saying it wrong. One person has said it right. That's a name I've developed myself over the year because people don't say my name right. Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about Von Deese. Yeah, my name.

My name. But he spelled it V-O-N and then an apostrophe. V-O-N D-E-E-Z-E. Von Deese. But there's an apostrophe in there. Well, I put that to try to divide it to try and make it simple because my actual name has a hyphen in it. Well, I put that to try to divide it, to try and make it simple. Got it.

Because my actual name has a hyphen in it. So you're saying that this name has evolved over a while. You've rewritten it so that people can enunciate it more clearly. Yeah, I either go with D-Z. And it ends in the sound of D-Z. Yeah. But you haven't added a Y to the end of it. It looks like, because I don't end it with a Y.

Vaughn, let me tell you something. D, like cheesy, D-Z. Can't you just speak Carl't end it with a Y. Vaughn, let me tell you something. E, like cheesy, DZ. Can't you just be Carl? Cheesy as a Y. Just be Carl or Bob or Alex or Mike. It looks like a V and a D. Well, I can make it short and just say Vaughn. But that's too plain.

But if that word is better for the next person to say, then I'll do that. I think Vaughn is the go-to. Vaughn, I'm in the writer's guild, bro. You got to take my advice on this one. If you want it to be enunciated, DZ. I know. You got to add a Y to the end of it, I promise.

Okay, if that makes it easier, I'll do that. But let's go back to... This is one of the best comedy sets I've ever seen from somebody wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog back then. Wait, wait, wait. First of all, this is not Sonic. This is Shadow the H ahead, y'all. Wow.

That's on the even more discount. Yeah, Shadow's a I don't give a fuck, ride bikes, shoot guns. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, all right. All right, Bond. Take it easy. Take it easy. That should have gotten a bigger laugh.

I'm questioning you guys now. Yeah, Shadow's a real gangster. I don't know. I don't know. Did you come from basketball? I feel like you're ready to hoop. You're ready forever. You got hit by a Goodwill truck on the way here.

And they were like, take anything. Just don't tell the cops. So many outfits. There's so many fucking outfits right now. Hey, first of all, to be honest, I'm like solo roaming the city. I'm getting things together. So I've been doing, basically it's a God's gift for me to have people laugh, and I've been doing it just to do it, you know what I mean?

And people keep telling me, you need to do comedy, you need to do comedy. So what I'm going through in my life right now, which isn't too big but too minor, you know, I got two kids. I got a boy and a girl. Really? I got a baby. Well, why are you wearing their backpack out? You know what?

Two kids. They only have one backpack. They're splitting it. That's something my baby mama would say, but you know what? I don't care. I have a heart of a child, so I can't hate what I used to be. Where did you find this heart? You know what?

The man above blessed me with it. I love it. The heart and the brain. This is all I have. I make it do what it do. So the reason why there's so many roaches in your life is because you sleep outside. Oh, no, all I have. Make it do what it do. So, the reason why there's so many roaches in your life is because you sleep outside. Oh, no, no, no.

These are roaches that's at my sister's house. Whoa. Yeah. Wait, is that like your real sister? Or you just being a new black woman? No, this is my kid. My kid sister. She's 26. Due security.

She lives in the hood area. 65th and... Whoa, whoa, it's all right, it's all right. We don't need the exact address. But she has the roaches. She has the roaches. You had a fucking gunshot ready to go, dude. We had to fucking talk about this gunshot before the show. Where did you...

I literally said, like, the gunshot is the best sound effect, and it's always great when the moment happens. It just fucking happened. You said 65th and blank. 65th and Vermont? It could have been that or this one. I'm not from here.

It could have been that or this one. It's so funny because that's literally You wanna go? Right, right. It's not that good. Oh, hey, I do. I do mega do what I do. All right, Vaughn, relax, relax.

Take a breath, take a breath. Take a breath. So let's talk about Vaughn's comedy. Right. I thought the roaches were funny. I thought it was funny. My favorite part was when you said, you know, I'm actually this age,

but people think I look 17, and it got absolutely nothing because when you first came up here, I thought you were Master P. Like, you do not look 17 at all. Am I right? Mid-40s? How old are you?

29. Get the fuck, man. You've been through some shit. Even with a Sonic backpack, I had you pegged for mid-40s. Hey, but my body looks fantastic, I assure you. Tony, it's Shadow. Sonic's a little bitch.

Right, right. You know what he said, Shadow? I guess this does prove it. Oh, wow, you talked to the backpack. Okey-dokey. It's just me and Shadow out in these streets right now. That's what I'm saying. Chase those gold rings, right?

Do you keep a gun in Shadow? Do you have a gun in there? Do I keep a gun? That would be really gangster if you had a gun in Shadow. I know more physical. Wait, who's wearing who? Are you wearing Shadow or Shadow wearing God Be. All right, we're wearing each other.

We're wearing each other. He got my back. I got his back. I thought he did a good job for, you know, usually black guys. No, no. Whoa. We've already gotten his thoughts on Armenians. Fuck you.

There are differences in comedy between white guys and black guys. And it takes black guys six minutes to even get to the joke. It's always like, how y'all doing? What's going on? So the fact that you got into your joke in one minute was fucking awesome. Fuck you guys. There's not differences between black and white people?

No, we're all the fucking same? Yeah, we're better than them, right Mike? That's what we're saying. Wow. I love you tonight, Bacosta. You are letting it fucking rip. Have you guys ever seen black comedy? He's taking a stance tonight.

Too scary. On how different all the races are. White people are such pussies when you start talking about other races. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm saying that I'm loving what's happening right now. I just said I thought he was Master P two minutes ago.

Come on. That's disgusting to say. It's so wrong. I just basically keep rehearsing what I say out and about. Right. And bring it here and rehearse it in my head. Yeah, that's how comedy works, Bondi. Exactly.

That's kind of how you do it. Exactly. What the voices tell me to say. Right, exactly. Just keep letting the bipolar do all your writing. No, I'm ADD. Actually, I'm ADD. So I'm better.

One real thing I would recommend is not to grab the microphone and make it like this because then you can hear it turns into like a radio head type thing. All right. All right. Fuck yeah. Vaughn, it was fun meeting you, man. Yeah. Anything else for Vaughn, guys?

Roaches were good. I thought it was really funny, duden It was fun meeting you man Anything else for Vaughn guys? Roaches were good I thought it was really funny dude Yeah this would be like My second time I came in like A week ago Not last week But a week before

About a week ago Week ago Week ago Week ago Oh he's got the shmurda Look out Oh my god Going up

John Deasy On a Monday Kill Tony Kill Tony I look forward to coming back Vaughn Deasy Take it easy. There he goes.

Much love. You're not on Twitter. What if he just spun circle, ran out of here? Like a shadow. It's amazing. Except when he gets bumped into, no coins come out at all. Did I call that or what? I love that.

Did you see his bracelet? I love it. A bracelet on each wrist that said, I heart boobies. Oh, he did? Did you guys see that? what? I love that. Did you see his bracelet? I love that, Andrew. His bracelet. He had a bracelet on each wrist that said, I heart boobies. Oh, he did? Did you guys see that? Oh, wow. I didn't see that at all. He ain't lying.

Fuck yeah. I also love that Andrew asked if he... Oh, he's coming back to shoot us. He's coming back to shoot us. Andrew asked if he had a gun in his backpack, and everybody got mad at me when I said black comics take longer to get into their jokes. Yeah, we didn't have to get into their jokes. We didn't have to see it, Von.

We didn't have to see it. There he goes. Back to obscurity, everybody. Von Deasy. He's a dad of two kids. Wow. The future! It's amazing. Get me out of here! Oh my god. That was my favorite performance yet,

I gotta be honest. Was it? That was by far my favorite. The roaches were, that was real for him. I knew. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, very real. Yeah, you could feel it right away.

That was real. I mean, to go so in-depth, I mean, that's just roaches on roaches on roaches, because he was talking about the difference between roaches from the 90s and the roaches today. Like, it's like he's definitely had roaches for like 20 or 30 years. You don't see that a lot.

That's about as original as wet hands and I fucking love it. Wet hands and roaches. It's like a roach connoisseur. He smells it and he's like, this is a 98 East LA 65th and Vermont

With a hint of USC Well let's get into our final part of the show We have two regulars Where the fuck is that? Why would we ever know that Michael? Anyway this is the part of the show Where the two regulars always go up There's two young ladies that ever since they started

They've been doing a brand new minute They write a brand new minute. They perform a brand new minute every single week. This week's no different. Going up first, Florida Dropout after her first time doing Kill Tony. Here she is, everybody, the hilarious Kimberly Congdon. Little did he know I had a loaded 12 gauge. Once up a day at LA Times front page.

What's up? Yeah. I try to be really funny when I come up here. But first of all, I just wanted to tell you guys to keep me in your thoughts. Nothing's wrong. Guys just keep thinking I'm cute and not sexy. It's getting really bad. I started hooking up with a guy recently who said he just wanted to have casual sex and that really confused me so I just started showing up at his door on Fridays wearing jeans thank you he finally broke down and we spooned and I figured out that utensils are really not my

thing. I don't think he wants to date me because he says that I'm mean. He's like, every time I see you, you look so mean. And I'm like, I'm not mean. I'm just really, really, really high. That's it. That is exactly a minute it did it again three or four punch lines in there that's all that's all I mean there's just so many more punch lines

then you can just tell that she's been at it longer there's just more punch lines per minute yeah you know that's a good thing too she has written a brand new minute every week for a year and a half. You just give yourself so much more chance at success if you have five opportunities to laugh in one minute and two of them don't work, you still have three that do work. Exactly. Just stay

in the obvious. Right. I think a lot of people don't realize that it's very important to be able to do that, to be able to summon laughter right from the top. If you only write that way, then you're getting laughs from the very beginning all the way through what could be a longer set. How's it been going, Kim?

Been working? Doing shows? KIMBERLY MEDINA- Yeah. Everything's been good. I'm going to San Diego this month, going to Brea with Brian and Sarah. DANNY KELLEY SCHMIDT- So this new guy, white or black? KIMBERLY MEDINA- Yeah.

DANNY KELLEY SCHMIDT- It's just a joke. DANNY KELLEY SCHMIDT- Not really. KIMBERLY MEDINA- It's just a joke. So this new guy, white or black? It's just a joke. Not really. It is just a joke. It is just a joke. It's totally fictitious. Come on. It is. Really?

Get the fuck out of here. They did. What are you talking about? You're not getting dick? Guys, leave her alone. Oh, wait a second. Wow, look who's coming back out of the woodwork. Like one of Von Deasy's.

Well, I don't know how many people are staying in the green room, and I've got to find some stuff for us. Yeah, not like it's handy. Man, just when I think you're done, you come right back. You're like a roach at Von Deasy's sister's house. But I'm what year? What year roach? I mean, mid-'90s, mid-'90s.

I'm a 98 roach right here. So what else is happening, Kim? Everything good? Yeah, everything's good. I just got signed to a commercial agency. Whoa! That's big! That's big!

That's big! Somebody is a year and a half. Count that fucking Long John Silver. Yeah! Somebody about to be selling out their soul! That's the best. That's the best. Commercial agents are great because you go to the audition

and you see 100 people that are better than you waiting to do your job. It really is rough. I had the worst scenario when I first signed with a commercial agent, and that was that the guy that worked the reception desk there was notoriously bad at his job. Like me, am I just? I swear to God, there was a few times where, and I was like a

really a broke, struggling comedian. I had a commercial agent really early on. And I remember having to struggle to get to these things sometimes. And I would get there and it would be for like 50-year-old Asian ladies and things like that. Just things that I absolutely didn't have a shot for.

Did you ever land? What? Did you ever land a commercial? What was your first commercial? Geico. Geico? Did you ever have one? We needed a little lizard?

No, I got fired. My commercial agent dropped me because it was a yogurt audition and they wanted us to eat yogurt. I walked in the room and there was just piles of yogurt and I was like, I'm not going to eat that yogurt. And they were like, you've got to eat the yogurt. And I go, I'm not eating room temperature

stored in the corner yogurt. And they go, we don't think you have what it takes. And I go, I don't think I have what it takes. And then I left. And now I make my money doing Kill Tony. But you don't have. And then I left. And now I make my money doing Kill Tony. So... That's it. But you don't have a car.

I do. You do have a car now. Yeah, I have a car now, too. That helps your audition chances. Yeah. You know, I actually bought Alex Duong's car. Yeah. Alex Duong.

Really? Geez. With all that mom pussy in it. But that's been dinged up a couple times, huh? Yeah, of course. There you go. And then I bought the car and then I remembered his bit about jacking off in the car don't worry that wasn't real

is it a Japanese car? it's a Toyota Prius there it is that's why they're always crashing those cars they're all jerking their little penises off. They're trying to find their penises. Well, there you go. You did it again.

Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon, your final comedian of the night, everybody. The show goes by so fast. Yeah, I want to do so many more. Yeah, it happens really quick. Thanks again for inviting us right during the NCAA championship game. We really appreciate that.

Again, you're welcome. I wanted to pick two guys that are really into the basketball things. I did that very strategically. 40 hoopie guys. Your final comedian of the night also writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. You know her. You love her. The very funny Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

What's up My mom asked me if I've gotten around To lining my drawers I didn't know that was something I was supposed to do Who the fuck lines their drawers Shit is so weird. Like, I'm going to spend extra time cutting pieces of individual paper for the insides of my drawers?

Measuring and cutting? Who's looking in my drawers? I went with Paisley's. Surprise! Paisley's a print guys and what's wrong with just the bare drawer touching what's in the drawer I don't understand how disgusting are your drawers that you were having to line them with a piece of paper and a piece of paper that doesn't really seem like much if you're having to line them with a piece of paper. And a piece of paper, that doesn't really seem like much if you're trying to protect yourself. If there's arson in there...

Just finish it, finish it, finish it. If there's arson in there, there's still going to be arson in there, and a piece of paper is not going to prevent it. No, yeah. I don't know. Is that it? Well, I was going to say, I don't know. Yeah.? well I was gonna say I don't know yeah

it has to be it so Sarah Weinschenk everybody thank you now what's interesting about Sarah is she has a very

interesting style where she talks about something like in an inanimate object for example drawer liners yeah

and sometimes it absolutely crushes and sometimes we find out that not everybody can really connect with drawer liners. Yeah. And sometimes it absolutely crushes, and sometimes we find out that not everybody can really connect with drawer liners that much. Well, it did take me 20 seconds to realize what drawers you were talking about. Right. Kitchen drawers.

I think you need to say kitchen drawers, but I think it's such a funny, weird topic that I would never fucking think to write a joke about. Right. And the fact that your brain goes there is awesome because it's so fucking weird. I couldn't agree more. I love it. But I didn't, I wasn't in the right space at first.

I was. I got it right away. I made perfect sense. I made perfect sense. I thought it was great. It was fantastic. The mother overbearing of why you haven't done this knickknacky thing that you couldn't care less about.

I just wanted you to hear something like, why does she need it so bad? What in her life? Like, what World War II letters were hiding under those? Do you love her? Like, what would it mean to her to have that is what I wanted to hear more. But otherwise, it's a great fucking concept. It's a fantastic concept.

I think you just have to, four seconds of painting the picture more, you know. Lining kitchen drawers, which is putting just a piece of paper over the actual drawer. It's like kitchen wallpapers. It's also funny if mom is way into lining the drawer, but she totally doesn't give a fuck that your seatbelt

hasn't worked in six years. Or like, mom, this is mom's definition. I haven't had an STD check in nine years, but my mom doesn't. Or like, Mom, this is whatever reason. This is Mom's definition of like, yeah. Or you're like, I haven't had an STD check in nine years, but my mom doesn't. But your drawers are fine, correct? Or you're like, Mom, line your drawers with diapers. Oh, there you go.

I was thinking drawers. I was thinking like sexual the whole time. I was thinking about like drawers. There was something when you were like, what's in my drawers or something? Like underwear. I was thinking mine and drawers. I was thinking like pubescaping. I don't know. Fuck yeah, man. The night of the NCAA college basketball championship and you're the one shooting from half court, Pat. Fuck yeah.

I love it. You really went for it on that one. I think that was great. I really liked that a lot. I want to know more about your mom. And then my brain went to that LA thing where the cabinets and drawers in my house, because they've been painted over a thousand times, don't close. Nothing closes.

It's right back open. So that's why you need the mats. The decoration. God forbid someone saw the shitty wood underneath. Your mom's already disappointed. You're living in an apartment. You'll never get a house. You're never going to make it out there.

This is just me projecting as much as I can. Sounds like you got off the phone with your mom before you came here. Bitch! Well, there you go. Sarah, fun times. Good job, Sarah. Always, always funny.

Sarah Weinshank is on Twitter at PrincessShank. That's her. You can follow her and Kimberly Congdon. That's at PrincessShank, at Kimberly Cong. You can follow her and Kimberly Congdon. That's at PrincessShank at Kimberly Congdon. Follow at JoshMartinComic, the runaround producer. David Deary helps us out. The one and only Pat Reagan, everybody, at Patty Reagan. 28 North.

Andrew Santino is on Twitter at Andrew Santino. Anything else you want to promote coming up? I'm on at midnight tomorrow night. Whoa! What time? I think it's on at noon. I think about 12. Yeah, At Midnight tomorrow night, and then I'm on ESPN

Sports Nation, which I'm sure so many people don't watch. I love that show. The fun show. With Michelle Beadle on Thursday. Yeah, I worked with her at the Friars Club rest of Terry Bradshaw. Yeah, she's a big boozer. I know. Michael Costa. First of all, I want to apologize to all Armenians

and black people that I offended tonight. Say the N-word like you wanted to. Go ahead and do what you wanted to do. You can get me at Twitter

at TamFamComedy and my album is out. It's called Comedy for Attractive People. Don't buy it. If you're ugly, you won't get the jokes. Thank you for having me,

Kill Tony. There you go. You heard the stuff that we talked about at the top of the episode. Go check out those dates if you live anywhere near there. And stay in touch for my new one-hour special that I shot last week. Something crazy is going to happen with it, guys. Thank you very much. That's episode 99 of Kill Tony.

We'll see you next week, episode 100, live from the main room. Thank you, live audience.......... Saw the police and they rolled right past me. No flexing. Didn't even look in a nigga's direction as I ran the intersection. Went to short dog's house. They was watching you on TV. you you you you you you you