KILL TONY - KILL TONY #102

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

Vanessa Ramos, Kirk Fox, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 04/27/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to DeathSquad.tv, click on tour dates. Me and Dean Deloray are going to be in Toronto July 18th. That's going to be a Saturday at Big Picture Cinema. That's where we did Kill Tony last time we were in town. So me, Dean, and Deloray bringing Death Squad there July 18th. Also, Death Squad's at the Ice House every Friday. We've been having insane shows. And that's at 1015 every Friday at the Ice House. And every Monday, we do this.

Kill Tony. Here at the Comedy Store. And it's a free show in the Belly Room. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates. Also, go to ShopSquad.TV. And you'll see that we have new hats, t-shirts. A bunch of stuff is in stock right now

a bunch of old shirts are in stock right now so if it's been a while and you've been looking for an old shirt uh check right now to see if it's in there but there's just a small amount of them so get it now go to shop squad dot TV and don't forget tonyhenchcliffe.com for all the Tony Henchcliffe stuff that you could ever want, including his tour dates, his merch, and everything. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. All right, guys, thank you very much for listening to Kill Tony. So here is a new episode for you. Give it up for Redman.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Fuck yeah, half-empty belly room tonight. Yeah. Wow, not sold out for the first time in a long time. This is exciting.

Hi, live audience. Those of you that are here, there's proof for you listeners on Ustream right now that it's a half-filled crowd. Now you believe us. Shout out to our listeners on Ustream backslash Ustream.tv backslash Death Squad, everybody. The thousands of people

watching live and the tens and tens of people that made it out tonight. I think it's because we confused them. Because the 100th episode was in the main room on a different night, wasn't it? We took last week off. We were in Vancouver. We sold out a theater in Vancouver.

Me and Brian doing stand-up comedy. How about that? Motherfuckers. Two years in a row, we sold out a theater in Vancouver. And then we had a lot of fun. We went on after the row, we sold out a theater in Vancouver. And then we had a lot of fun. We went on after the show, and we just both talked to the audience, did a little Q&A sesh. That was more fun than the actual show, I thought.

Yeah, who would have guessed after 101 episodes? Oh, my God. Lainey and Jerry, are you kidding me? You guys have been to almost every show, and still, you keep your phones on, talk you order drinks louder than anybody it's un-fucking-believable you two you're like cartoon characters of of bad audience members and you're like the regulars you come to every episode shut up yeah there you go there's a sound effect i think that was fitting uh well welcome guys please turn your ringers off. Is Jerry sleeping right now?

Is that what I'm seeing? Oh, he's looking down at his phone. Oh, thanks. So both of you, okay, you guys are great. You guys are great. So two of the 17 audience members are not even really enjoying the show so far. They're pretty much just waiting for their phones to go

off. Yeah, and I like how they brought an old Rotary... Rotary? Rotary phone. I can't even say it anymore. A phone that went out of style so long ago that you can't even say the word. Rotary. Rotisserie? Rotary.

Yeah, we all know what it is. It's not somebody got it right. We all know the word. You were just pretending to not know what it was. What are you talking about? How did I almost forget? Pat Reagan's here, everybody. You were just pretending to not know what it was. What are you talking about? How did I almost forget? Pat Reagan's here, everybody. You heard his music. We love him. He's amazing.

Hi, Pat. Did you have fun at episode 100? You got to meet the old co-host, the old side guy, the actual Iron Patriot. He's got a foot fetish. Yeah, he does. He's a weird guy. That's why we replaced him with you. Very good banter.

Very good, Pat Reagan. Pat and I are known for our electric chemistry, which is actually true, but right there, little accident. But hey, I guess that happens. I guess every once in a while, you know, they can't all be home runs.

And that wasn't even close to a home run. That was pretty bad. That was a pause on a podcast and a live show. Well, you know, now I think. Strike three! Oh, you have that sound effect? That's amazing. Okay, that's enough.

So, guys, also May 12th, we're in San Francisco and May 13th we're in Sacramento yeah Punchline yeah come see me and Brian again at Punchline and Cubs yeah oh fuck

let's get into it guys this is this is over episode 100 of Kill Tony some have told me that it's episode 101 some have told me

that it's episode 102 I've lost count the producers of the show have lost count and so here we are welcome to episode who Gives a Fuck of Kill Tony. Volume whatever.

Exactly. Our one and only sponsor makes us a delicious meal every single week. It's the chef of all comedian chefs. The one and only Elise Lane, ladies and gentlemen. Just quit her job as an executive chef at a restaurant because her new full-time job,

being Russell Peters' full-time chef, is now enough to pay her motherfucking bills. Now, you might be wondering, how does someone like Elyse Lane get to work a full-time job with one of the richest touring comedians in the world? The answer is he found her here on Kill Tony. And so that's how the magic happens. Kill Tony, not only

starting comedy careers, but jump-starting chef careers as well. Every single week I have two of my, oh yeah, follow Elyse Lane, add Elyse Lane, and add the girl with the pan. She's Elyse Lane. E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. You guys ready for Kill Tony episode who gives a fuck or what?

Guys, it's going to be so much fun. As always, I have two of my funniest friends in the world here tonight to sit here and watch comedians with me. Never an exception to that rule. This week I'm really excited. I booked it perfectly. Two of my favorites. Put your hands together

for Vanessa Ramos and Kirk Fox, ladies and gentlemen. Here they come. Live and in the flesh. Vanessa Ramos is here. Have a seat. I'm going to move it a little that way. Oh, my God, I almost pulled it right out from under you. That would have been terrible.

No, slide over, Kirk. Get over here. You got those long legs. But we got a, there's a third guest. There might be a third guest at some point. Who knows what can happen. Part of the excitement of Kill Tony. Vanessa, this is your first time on the show.

You and I work together as roast writers all the time. This is one of the best roast writers in the world. When you're wondering who writes those diabolical jokes, it's usually her or me. That's right. A little self plug. Someone just filled with hate. Yeah, yeah. And you really are. Vanessa is a very interesting style.

A lot of writers in the roast room throw out as many things as they can and they all try and they try and they try and they try and then Vanessa just says something and that's it. Makes it to the final script and she's a fucking genius. Vanessa Ramos, ladies and gentlemen. First time on Kill Tony.

Now, Kirk Fox. Good to see you, Tony. One of the best comedians in the world. One of my favorite people. I don't think so, but that's nice of you. But most importantly, definitely one of our favorite Kill Tony guests. A super, super, super great guest. You always keep it very honest and very helpful to these comedians.

Not tonight, but thank you so much. You're going to tell some lies tonight? Yeah, a little. Just with confidence. They won't know their lies until they try it outside of here and fail. Every single week, I always have the co-host ask the guests a question that he wants to know. Rising comedian Pat Reagan. What do you got for Kirk Fox?

Hey, Kirk. Hey, what, man? Hey, man. If you had any advice to the comedians that are going to go up tonight before they go up, what would you say? Well, stay hydrated is important. I will also say

we don't know that your joke sucks unless you tell us. So if something doesn't work, don't tip that your joke sucks unless you tell us. So if something doesn't work, don't tip the hat that it hasn't worked because maybe the tag is right around the corner. Believe in what you're selling. Boom. Powerful. That should be enough.

Powerful. Thank you, Tony. Pat, what's your question for Vanessa Ramos? Keep in mind, I'm way less of an inspirational person. Like, that was fucking great, but I... Yeah, but I peaked. You have plenty of time. Oh, look at you.

I'm done. Okay, Pat, let's... Vanessa, what's a time when you've been mean to someone and gone, like, too far? Ah. Well, he was a friend of a friend, and we were at... I'm going to regret saying this, I feel like.

We were at IHOP, and he's a larger Jewish man. And it was like, they were both kind of fat, and they were just tearing apart the food in front of us. And so I said, I was like, yeah, watching you eat is like the breakfast holocaust, except this actually happened. And I think, like, him and I weren't buds like that yet, but he was still real fat in my defense. That's not that mean. Well, yeah, I didn't think it was that mean, but, like, he didn't take it well is my issue.

It's like, yeah, I don't think that's crossing a line, but, you know, he hasn't faced some hard truths, I guess. It is an interesting one. I know I deal with it a lot because I, you know, I like to hit people with stuff verbally when something's a little bit off. And I know they don't expect it from me, usually. If they don't know who I am or what I do, then they definitely don't know.

But I'd imagine it must be like a thousand times worse for you because nobody would probably guess that you're literally like the most evil roast writer out of everybody. You seem so innocent, right? It's a big mister. Do I seem innocent? I've never had a first... There's never been like a first impression of myself, so I can't really gauge. Yeah, I guess you're right. There's no first impression of you?

No, I'm just saying, I feel like I've always kind of been a dick. I just met you tonight. You scared the fuck out of me. Oh, you guys. This is the best first time on ever. Pat, thank you. Pat Reagan, everybody.

Let's do this, guys. Let's get into it, shall we? Welcome, welcome. Comedians, you know the deal. Over 30 or 40 comedians signed up for the chance. In this bucket, their names exist for the chance to do 60 seconds of stage time in front of us and then talk to us live afterwards anything can happen comedians you know you're 60 seconds up 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty oh it's adorable wrap it up then they're

all sure gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Fuck, it's a little louder every week. Oh, that's obnoxious. It's just a dick move. It's not funny. You're the only one that laughs at it, and it makes no sense. It makes no sense week after week. I talk to you about it offstage.

You still don't change it. It's like a weird power thing with you for some reason. It's one of your things where it's like, I'm standing like... If the bear doesn't do it, he shoots. Was that a gun? Don't validate it, Kirk. Don't try to make it. I got to get him to stop doing the gunshot thing.

I just wondered what it was. If I hear a gunshot, I want to know if it's real or not. Sorry to the listeners, these people with their headphones on that complain every fucking week about Brian's antics. So let's do it. I already pulled the name out of the bucket. Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Raphael Lechuga.

We got dicks on Jesus And I get picked up Between the two of us in the hotel So keep them from shitting So I don't want you Here he is, Raphael Lechuga. So I spend a lot of time watching live leak videos. They're a lot like Worldstar videos, except instead of black people, it's just death.

And it's pretty sad because, well, here's some advice. If you don't want to know how much your entrails look like ragu, stay out of Brazil. A little advice I have for all Brazilians, as a matter of fact, eat nothing but ragu. That way people will just think, oh, you're pretty much dead at that point. Now they're going to go, son of a bitch, what did I write? Spend a lot of time on rapgenius.com as well That's a site to see You can just Come to my room Watch me be like

I took it for sushi So I took it to go So don't even play it And never talk so much And I think I texted And right after I texted I'm faded Wow fuck yeah.

60 seconds of quiet thunder from Raphael Lechuga. Fuck yeah, Raphael. How you doing, man? What's up? Is this your first time on the show? Second time. Did this go better than the first time? Yes.

This went better than the first time? That was better than your last time on? I'm sorry I missed the last one. I think we all missed the last one. I think he was just feels good because he rapped, so he doesn't, you know, he's just like, I just got that whole rap out. Well, the first time went better.

I mean, the second time went better for me right now because first time I was just like... First time went better for the audience? No, yeah, I think I actually did go better for the audience. But actually right now I was a little more, a tad bit more confident. You were more confident, but you didn't get the response that... Yeah. Because you got no laughs in 60 seconds.

Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about it. You started with the death joke. What was that website that you said? LiveLeak. Right, so LiveLeak. And there was really not much there. You just started talking.

The one part where I think you were expecting there to be laughs was when you said, everybody looks like ragu on the inside. But there's really nothing to that. Because, yeah, everybody does look like ragu on the inside because it's red. Here's, I think, for me, where I kind of gave up on comedy with you.

No, I'm going somewhere with this. I'm going somewhere with this. It's kind of when you hit like, well, it's pretty sad because as soon as you say, like, it's pretty sad, I'm not expecting this big, like, oh, here we go. Like, mic drop on the bum

out. That was the point where I forgot what I was going to say next. I was going real fast. I want to wrote down. Yeah That sounded worse than I met it too You did I think you enjoyed Yeah, like it's you know, that's one of the biggest compliments you can get in comedy is he has a nice face You got a nice face. Well, no, he's not like standing up here. You got a nice face, but once you started talking.

You dicks have it figured out? I'm trying to be supportive, Kurt. We all are. He does have a nice face. When you came up, you started so quick that we were all taken off guard. You've got to take one breath at least just to find your footing. It's just five seconds.

And it's better to do one joke a little slower and possibly work through it than three as fast as you can. Because if you do one, there's a chance that will work, because we'll listen to it. We didn't hear shit. And also, you can't hold onto that mic stand and then play with it. Let your hands just drop and just be uncomfortable, but just dance in that.

Holding onto the mic like it's cool, not. You hear me, motherfucker? Yes, sir. not. You hear me, motherfucker? Yes, sir. I mean, a lot of your jokes could work. They're just not ready to leave your house.

You know, the ragu thing? That's great. How long have you been doing stand-up? I just started. I started on this show. Really? I think it was like three weeks ago. I think it was episode 96. Well, let me tell you something. It looks like you've been doing it two months. So that's good.

Oh, thank you. That ragu joke, you said everyone looks like ragu inside, but then you said people should eat ragu, so it looks like you got ragu. Oh, because I was... That made no sense at all. Yeah, I was going to say my advice for resilience to eat ragu and then put on your best...

Oh, you're not ready to give advice. I was going to say put on your best mutilated daniel day lewis in case yeah and then you went into that rap uh app no one like i had no idea what that app was but you acted like we all knew and they were like so then you could go on this website and see me go blah blah blah i'm like what are you talking about what is what is the website oh rapgenius.com yeah nobody knows about that okay yeah yeah what is it oh it's just all the lyrics to rap songs. That's it. You can click on them and then find out the definitions of whatever it means.

I don't know what that is and I'm an actual rap genius. A lot of people don't know that about Vanessa. Just slow it down, man. Enjoy the chance. There's no rush. You can suck fast or slow. Slow is better. Very slow? Yeah, because then you at least enjoy your time.

All right. So I'm looking over at my man over there, Patty Reagan, and it looks like the wheels are turning over there. What do you got for this guy, Pat? Raphael, I don't want to be mean. Be mean. All right, I got a couple of things.

First off, you came out at the gate talking about how you like watching videos of people dying that's like the audience is gonna be like oh he's a psychopath which i i face that okay in my in my i think i can go for a psychopath kind of yeah but you don't really want to no all right no i don't want to freak out the audience. It's like literally you have no opener. You're just like, you guys know YouTube? Well, I watch extreme YouTube where people fucking die. It's always better to close with death.

Don't open with it. And then when you rapped, you literally didn't enunciate a single word. I was tripping. You rapped, and then your name is Latuga, which is lettuce, I believe. And I'd just like to say, let us try to forget this. Oh, look at that.

I just, okay. The old classic jungle bird when you know what that sound means. But I actually just got word from the internet that you died so hard on stage today that they just uploaded your set to LiveLeak.

It's all just come full circle for you. There he goes. Raphael Lechuga. Keep coming back, Raphael. Don't quit. You're shaking. You're nervous. You're in the game because you're passionate. We're all in this together, Raphael. Exactly. I mean, you do have the name of the fourth-ranked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,

but you can be a winner, Raphael. You can do it. Follow him at LechugaMeister, perhaps the longest Twitter handle I've ever seen in my entire life. LechugaMeister. He should have opened with that. Open with your Twitter handle Oh man

Rap genius We have so much fun the 14 of us This is a good pack It really is I'm excited about it I pulled another name out of the bucket guys Put your hands together for Brent Duncan Here he comes from deep in the back.

Guys, I quit therapy recently. I'm not fixed. He was just making me really uncomfortable, the therapist. He kept on fist bumping me and saying classic every time I'd tell him something I was ashamed of. He's like, no condom, classic. I'm like, Doc, I'm terrified here. He asked me to help him move once, and I was like, I don't want to help you move.

And he apologized, but he, like, tagged it with, sorry, we both just know that you don't have anything else going on. He asked me to help him, he asked me to videotape it, too. And... I thought it was weird at first, and then I was like, what kind of rock star am I that this guy needs to document my shit? But then I was freaked out that at one point

he'd be on Catalina Island with his other buddies, and he's like, you guys want to see some crazy shit? Just whips out a box full of tapes that say narcissist on it. All right, that's it. Fuck yeah. It all pretty much made sense until the end. I'm pretty sure that you're aware, Brent, that people don't actually put videos on tapes anymore, right?

A box of tapes? I know. Yo, reel to reel. No matter how funny what you would have had written on that box would be, it still wouldn't hit. Right. But a box of tapes, that's interesting. It's like a throwback.

I like that. Anyway, Brent, how you doing, man? How do you feel about that? I liked the beginning, and then I just got really nervous at the end and wasn't completing anything. What do you think made you nervous? You guys. This.

That's it. I mean, that's it. This is great. The first joke worked And you got that big laugh Yeah And it was right after that That you bailed out

Yeah On your next joke I don't think I'm used to getting laughs yet So that's one thing You should start to Accept the fact that Yeah I know I think that would help

As a comedian You're gonna want the laughs And if they really Fuck you up this bad, then you know, write more jokes like the last two. I mean, and you've got to look at the positives. Raphael Lechuga doesn't know

if he can roll with laughs or not because he didn't get any. Remember Raphael guys? That was two minutes ago, everybody. Remember that? Is it too soon for the Raphael guys, that was two minutes ago, everybody. Remember that? Is it too soon for the Raphael jokes? I mean, my advice to you really is just to slow it down and breathe a little. You got real funny stuff.

And I see you offstage, and then I see you onstage, and it's a big difference. You got to just chill up there and trust yourself. I say it all the time, and it's very important for comedians to know, like, instead of, you know, a lot of people, I feel like they try to do a minute and 20 seconds of material in a minute to try to kill as hard as they can. And what ends up happening is then nothing hits because you don't sound like an actual human being. I've always been a believer when people ask me, I say do 50 seconds and go for the kill and take your time. And that ends up filling out the minute. So I probably should have given this advice out before your set tonight because it probably would have helped a little bit. But now it's too late. I'll take it.

And I'm using you as an example to make everybody else better here tonight. Perfect. But always take in the room first. I mean, you didn't take in your environment at all. You've got to just take it in. Catch that first breath and then just go tell your stories. I think you should just give up on comedy. Wow, look at that from nowhere.

You give Brent Duncan that, but Raphael Lechuga gets nothing, and you tell him to come. Look at that, that immediate karma. Immediate karma is Brian falls back into the mirror. Because we've been telling Brian that for five years. Right. He didn't even mean to say that. He just had a flashback to being told it so much.

He just says it out loud sometimes. He knows I'm kidding. No, I thought you were really funny, and I could tell, like, halfway through, something happened, and you just kind of bailed on your own. Yeah, it was physical. I mean, I don't care. So you're telling me that when you heard that laugh, it made you more nervous. See, most comedians, they get a laugh and they start to get comfortable.

This really might not be a profession for you if the laughs are comfortable. Maybe Brian was on to something. Pat Reagan's wheels are turning so hard right now. They're actually not turning that hard. Well, you're rubbing your chin like they are. What are you, a fucking comic book villain? No, you know, I mean, I'm just wondering, what was the moment, there was like literally a moment

where all of a sudden, because I'm this close to you, I could like, we could physically touch. And there was a moment where you started almost like shaking after the first joke, because you're likable and you're funny, and you've got stuff. So I'm curious on pinpointing what that moment was. I actually don't know.

Good question, but I felt it. I know what he's talking about, and it was just like uncontrollable. It was anxiety. It's just a wave of anxiety and panic. But you got to remember that it's not the situation that causes anxiety. It's just how you deal with the situation. So this room has nothing to do with it.

It's just something that you got to work through. You're talking about therapy, Brent. This is actually a Kill Tony therapy episode. I like it. Yeah, very therapy-centric. But you've got to stay hydrated. Did you eat enough? I did not.

That's probably it. Because I used to have panic and anxiety, and it all came down to I wasn't eating enough before. That way you have no excuses. Tony, I was actually going to open up my notepad and go, oh, Friday, Ice House show. Never mind. I was going to invite you because you were doing so good. I thought you were the next oh, Friday, Ice House show. Never mind.

I was going to invite, because you did such, you were doing so good. I thought you were the next one. Oh, I see what you're saying. For everybody else in the room. Thank you. Almost. Brian was saying that he was going to invite him to a show that he does every Friday, a big sold out show at the Ice House. That we usually grab from this show.

Right. You should also know that you got through it. So there's, it's over. Perfect. Thank you. So you got through it and that you didn't completely melt down and now you're having a conversation about it where are you from yeah go on i was gonna say i love the idea of just fucking bro therapist like right out of the gate

like classic goes oh great let's i wanted to see the escalation of it and see like what the big payoff is of like just gradually how he gets douchier and just the kind of taking that, like, oh, he's supposed to help you and he just fucks up your life in an epic way. And I don't know if you've thought about that arc and you kind of froze here or what the issue is, but I just want you to know that's a great premise. I think you should absolutely keep playing with it. Yeah, it definitely is.

Is it true? You really have a therapist? I actually, it was free, so I ended up leaving because I didn't want to start over. It was through USC. It was like a year of this guy and I'm like I'm telling this stranger my stories and my secrets and then they want him to start over with this other woman. And he's a college student.

They're actual doctors but they move on in like stages where. But very young doctors. And the videotaping was free. I mean was true. Was it in the back of a van? Yeah. It's probably on the internet. But to keep going with him, he took like a few people. But you had to videotape it so he could like go over it with his peers and stuff to make sure. The reason I ask is because I think that your answer turns out to be part of the joke, which is that you took free therapy sessions and they videotaped them.

It raises the stakes and it makes it a whole different, truer and funnier experience. What you should also know is you see how you're talking right now? That's how you should be delivering your comedy. Great. Just like this. Do you always wear shirts like that on stage? What was the second joke you were going to do when you just had that little meltdown? There was the fist bump, the one where he was calling me, asking him to help him move,

and he's saying that, he said, sorry, we both just know, I didn't mean to offend you, we both just know that you don't have anything else going on. See, now I heard the words. Because he knows everything, you know. See, now I heard the words. Still not funny enough. But now we at least heard the words. Now we can

judge the joke and not you. Brent, do you ever come once and then come again? Like, right again? All the time. Like, you're ready to go again? Yeah. You seem like a virile man. I was just wondering about your ability to come twice.

It's possible, yes. First of all, great question, Perry. Maybe he'll show you after the show. Let's get back to this shirt for a second. I'm just gonna guess where you bought it, and if I'm right, say yes. Ready? Tell the truth.

Ready? Cracker barrel. Yes. It's true! I nailed it. Pat almost fell off his stool. That's our second near fall. The bookends tonight are tipping outward and I like this. Red Band and Patty Reagan fading to the back. I like this. Good work. Be this

guy. Be this guy. Back to the shirt again. It's very wrinkled. Do you store it in a fanny pack or something? Do you hang up your shirts? Sometimes. Do you store it in a fanny pack or something? Do you hang up your shirts? Sometimes. Do you have a steamer or an iron or anything? I just threw it on.

It was cold. We know you threw it on. We know that it's on. We know that it's on right now. The question is, what happened to that shirt before you put it on? It was wrinkled in my car. It was. What part of your car was it in?

The backseat with other sweatshirts. With other sweatshirts. So you have a whole mess of wrinkled shit. Pretty much. Nothing wrong with that. Well, I'll tell you this. If you take care of yourself, you'll have more self-value. And if you have more self-value and self-worth, then you're going to feel a little bit better on stage.

You know what happened here, Tony? Wait, what's that, Pat? You know what happened here, Tony? What are you looking that, Pat? You know what happened here, Tony? What are you looking at right now? Why are you staring off at nothing? Special Olympics over there. I love it. I love it.

You were digging for gold in this t-shirt. You kept going back to the t-shirt. It's not a t-shirt, damn it. This is like a worthy t-shirt. Like, oh, man, the material you can get from this regular button-up shirt. It's not a regular button-up shirt. It's not a regular button-up shirt. It's ugly. It's ugly.

Why do you think it's so ugly? I don't think it's a bad shirt. Okay, ugly, round of applause. Ugly? What about a regular shirt? Round of applause. Oh, fuck you guys. Sorry you all dress ugly.

You're a bunch of bad fucking dressers then. Give it up for yourselves. Put your ugly dressed hands fucking together. You ugly motherfuckers. Turn on me. And it's not a fucking t-shirt, man. That's not a t-shirt. I never called it a t-shirt.

It's a fucking ugly regular shirt. Vanessa Ramos. It's not ugly. It's just underwhelming, I think, is what he's trying to say. I got to tell you, I like it. Yeah. I got to tell you, man. Looks comfortable. Looks like you, I like it. Yeah. Gotta tell you, man. Looks comfortable.

Looks like good cotton. Fuck it. You wear what you want. Kirk only says that because he likes to be the best dressed man in the room. No. He doesn't want you coming back next week. I just like that he's working through some neuroses. I tell you what, I would rather wear that shirt than whatever this pink little Neapolitan ice cream

shirt is that you have on. What is that? First of all, that's not pink. That's purple. All right. You can't punch down a shirt color. That's more normal than that, though. Is that Neapolitan?

Yeah. Oh, you suck. That is it. I have no idea what you guys are talking about. You backstabbing bastards. Look what you did, Pat Reagan. What are you looking at now? Brent, I had a lot of fun with you.

Congratulations. Thank you guys so much. Brent Duncan. My pleasure. Thank you guys. He's on Twitter at Brent3D. That's an easy Twitter handle. Follow him on Twitter. Give him some tags to that wacky psychiatrist joke.

Seriously. Tell the truth. It that wacky psychiatrist joke. Seriously. Tell the truth. It'll be funnier. Free therapy. I mean, the level of life that you have to be at to even take it. And it just can't be the best service. I mean, what is free that's actually better? You know?

Nothing. It's dog shit. Free sex is always better. Way better. Not in the long run. That's exactly what I'd expect a guy who's dressed like you to say. How am I dressed?

Well, no, just like, free sex is always better with your shirt and your hat that's somehow not fitting your head. I don't know. We're not even going to get into the climbing clip full of keys. We're not going to even go there yet. Oh, my God. Oh, look at those wheels turning over there.

Now he's looking at himself in the mirror. Wow. You know he's excited when he's doing that. Really asking himself the tough questions like, how many times does he come in a row? Guys, I pulled another name out of the bucket. It goes by the name of Cody Metzger. Here we go.

He's not here. He's not here. Oh, well, that makes some noises, Pat, because that means he just got blacklisted. That's what happens when you get blacklisted. He makes a random noise. That sound looked just like your t-shirt. Certainly was.

Pull another name out of this wacky bucket, everybody. Anything can happen. How about Eddie Whitehead Jr.? Head Jr. The President of the United States, Samuel L. Jackson, is the only black man in the United States who can walk up to somebody on the street, say, what's in your wallet, and not go to jail. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man.

He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man.

He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He's a black man. He the only black man in the United States who can walk up to somebody on the street, say, what's in your wallet, and not go to jail. I don't like playing the character.

I don't like people who are approaching me. I'm poor. He's rich. Sometimes I'm doing poor man shopping at the grocery store. People are running over there, Mr. Samuel Jackson, can we have your? I say, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I just came in here to shoplift. Please leave me alone.

Samuel Jackson. One night, it's 2 o'clock in the morning. I'm in a bar. I'm playing a role. This guy comes over to me. He said, hey, Samuel. Throws up on my brand new Nikes. So I stay in character, and I kill him.

And I hope he burn in hell. That's all I got. Fuck yeah. 57 seconds. Wow. First of all, can I just say it is such, such an honor to have Samuel L. Jackson here tonight. Hell yeah. Thank you, honey bunny. I bet you

could just riff Samuel L. stuff all day. I'm Eddie Whitehead Jr. right now. How you doing, Tony? Tony Warker, I'm great. A lot of people might not know, in fact, I'm pretty sure everybody doesn't know you. So let me just tell you, Eddie was the first guy that I ever met here at the Comedy Store when I came to sign up for the open mic my first time.

Eddie Whitehead Jr.: And you remember what you told me? I said, what do you want to be? I'm really afraid of what you're going to say live on the internet right now. You said, I want to be a star. You said, I want to be the best thing in comedy. And you're on your way. Give him a big hand. It's very embarrassing, Eddie. Thank you for really throwing me

under the bus there. I'm going to think about that tonight when I'm laying next to the dumpster. And Eddie's homeless. Yeah, it turns out he was here. I'm camping, not homeless. Urban camping. Yeah, I could have went was here. I'm urban camping, not homeless. Urban camping. Yeah, I could have went to Canada. And you play, what's interesting is he plays the harmonica at an intersection right around my neighborhood.

All day long. Sam Vicente and Wilshire. All day long. He plays the harmonica. He's one of those guys that crushes it at red lights. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You make a lot of money doing that? I eat dinner.

Now it's sad. Let's talk about your comedy. How long have you been homeless? I'm not homeless. I can go anywhere else in the United States and live comfortably. But not here. Y'all got some crazy friends. You can go anywhere else in the United States without a home.

You can just pick up and leave your non-home. True. Eddie, can I make a suggestion? Yes. Now, if you started doing some jokes about being homeless and about who you really truly are. I got it.

I can't do them in a minute. I'm just telling you something. Thank you. If you start doing a lot of jokes about that, soon you won't be homeless. I can get that. Okay. Got it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Because this guy right here, that's soulful. This guy right here, you don't want to make a joke about being homeless. But if you start really attacking why you are and that you don't want to be, then you won't be. Because you're funny as fuck. You're smart. Fox. What are you, a youth actor?

I feel like I'm in therapy. I just started my period. That's good advice. That's good advice. But what I'm saying is, Sam Jackson, you can do all your Sam Jackson shit and big deal. What's the street meat? Like, have you ever get any of those, like, road hookers? Like, is there any good ones?

Anyway, Eddie. But you see how uncomfortable it makes you? Yeah. That's the shit you need to be talking about because it's hard. I got a thing where I get shot seven times. Talk about that. The bullets flying through my body. It's funny. But no, no, no. I need the homeless stuff.

I don't have enough homeless stuff. I don't have anything homeless, really. You could be like, I look like Samuel L. Jackson if Samuel L. Jackson were homeless. Nah, that's too weird. Let me step over here. Shut up, white boy. No, it's true. Good try. I think you really should talk more

about being homeless i completely agree with that it's definitely real to you and it's very compelling and the fact that you don't do a you don't you don't talk about being homeless i think you should uh i think you should uh because it's hard no no no that is hard see i'm living from a different dynamic okay i have houses that other women live in because I married them or something, you know. And I have things of value, but I can make it on this level with what I got. But that's the shit we want to hear about. Okay, I can do that. Okay, yeah, that's cool.

Like what you just said now, we were interested in. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, because I see it in your eyes. I made a note a long time ago in my notebook. If it makes me cry, it'll make them laugh. But sometimes I don't want everybody to know I'm crying. No, well, we know it because we feel it.

Oh, okay. Because we love you. Because you're giving us love now. Like right now, you're loving the room. Of course. I'm pretty sure Kirk's going to let you sleep in his guest us love now like right now you're loving the room of course i'm pretty sure kirk's gonna let you sleep in his guest bedroom or while you try to while you try to no i'm just saying what's going to make you not homeless yeah yeah right and it's talking about being homeless and where all your money went and then suddenly people are going to listen to your

as opposed to the sam jackson, which I always hear you do. That's your go-to. Fuck it. The go-to should be who you really are. Because you've got more life experience than probably most people in this room. And what I really want to know is, you know, how many times can you cum? Thank you, Kirk. I was going to call.

I know. I wanted to beat you to it Vanessa you got anything for Eddie As soon as Eddie walked on stage Vanessa started clutching her purse As hard as she could I get that all the time No that's not true

I found you very There was the initial thing He looks like every person on the bus But then you walked up here I just find you likable and charismatic and you were fun to watch and like i i've never seen you know you so i hadn't seen the samuel jackson stuff and i thought it was interesting i just think there's something like more colorful of like yeah like like if sam left you know samuel jackson like what you know could come twice could come twice yeah that's

exactly it's like we're on the same page, I feel like. Get a role. I think there's definitely something there, but I think what he was saying about, yeah, a lot of us don't have that perspective, and if there's a colorful way to tell your story, and I think just watching you, I know you have the ability to make it funny,

and I just think, like he said, there's truth in comedy, and do that. I know you have the ability to make it funny. And I just think, like you said, there's truth in comedy, and do that. I like you. Keeping with the theme of this week's episode, have you ever been to therapy at all? Yeah. I was, when I was 17, my father took us. Because he had just came back.

Took us? Who'd he take? The family. The whole family? How many people? Five. Five family members. He took the He just came back. How many people? Five. Five family members. You took the whole group to therapy. We went to group therapy, yeah. How was that? I lived in a war zone.

It was pretty much talking about who was going to shoot at us and stuff. This is like I'm trying to fish for anything funny, and it just keeps getting sadder and sadder. This is definitely a dramatic, very dramatic, yes. And then I was breastfed until I was five. Were you really? Yes, I was. Really? Chocolate was five were you really? yes I was really? chocolate milk? no I went door to door guys

anyway keep rocking man just be who you are I think you can make anything funny there he is Eddie Whitehead Jr. ladies and gentlemen he's not on Twitter right? Eddie are you on Twitter? one Eddie Whitehead Jr., ladies and gentlemen. He's not on Twitter, right? Eddie, are you on Twitter? One Eddie Whitehead on Twitter, everybody.

So tweeted him so that... All his money goes to his cell phone plan. Tweeted him so that he can go to the library and check his Twitter and respond back to you. Do a joke about being homeless and on a cell phone, but your roaming charges are just fucking astronomical. That's my gift to you.

But do it as you, not Sam Jackson. Right. Okay, we know this guy. He's been on the show a few times. Put your hands together for Brett Banta, everybody. Brett Banta. Brett Banta. It's fun. together for Brett Banta, everybody. Brett Banta. Hi, my name is

Brett Banta. Have you ever been in the middle? Have you ever suddenly realized that you didn't want a job right in the middle of a job interview? So you just had fun with it? Like you just went along with it and just winged all the answers. They'd be like, name all of your weaknesses. I'd be like, chin ups. I can only do

three. Where do you see yourself in two years? Firing you. So I just got a job. I work at Apple. Bees. They think I'm a genius because I work at the bar, the salad bar. The only time anybody has a problem with a mouse is when it's eating from the salad bar. Thank you. Oh my God. I love it. I wanted to laugh so hard. It's all pent up so that when you said thank you, good night, I just started laughing. You have an amazing delivery. Amazing. Yeah. Okay. Fuck yeah. Head nods are good for podcasts. Thank you. yeah okay fuck yeah good head nods are good for podcasts thank you yeah the Apple the Apple Applebee's thing have you done that at another show before you know I mean I'm just been trying to open mics I was trying to do something with

so yes yeah and has it has it gotten like laughs yeah yeah really where you've been performing uh just random open mics i mean i haven't done it on a show or anything right so right okay yeah i gotta tell you i i saw you six months ago and you're a lot better now you got your hand out of your pocket you seem a lot better now. You got your hand out of your pocket. You seem a lot more at peace. But the jokes still feel to me like they're jokes. You can do that same material and just make it conversational so that you're not making it so precious. You're making everything you say so precious instead

of just speeding it up. OK, I'm trying to work on the timing of slowing down. Yeah, and don't worry about us. You kept looking over at us. Just throw it out there. Okay. You know? So I got a new job at Applebee's, you know, Applebee's, and then you just go with it.

Okay. As opposed to, okay, here comes that big punch. Okay, yeah. It's never going to be as big as you think. Okay. As opposed to, okay, here comes that big punch. Okay, yeah. It's never going to be as big as you think. Okay. I'm having trouble being conversational. Yeah, but that's why we all have trouble being something. It made it feel lateral as opposed to building

because it felt like you would reset before each one and go, you know, genius bar. Okay. So I think it's, like you were saying, just kind of the pacing would help. Yeah, she's right. You don't want it to be staccato. You just, you know, genius bar. Okay. So I think it's, like you were saying, just kind of the pacing would help. Yeah, she's right. You don't want it to be staccato. You just, you know.

I see your wheels turning over there, Pat. What do you got for Brett Banta? I mean, well, you're, okay. When you were delivering, it felt like there was an angry mob charging at you. Do you know what I mean? Like your eyes kept darting over and around. And I think, you know, I mean, this is a general thing.

When people get anxious and nervous because we're so attuned, even though we don't know it as human beings, to other people's energies, it's just like your fucking energy is just is not, is sort of seems definitely not relaxed but also just like a little just puts the audience in a place where it's tough for them to laugh.

And then there's a roast joke that I would say here. Let's talk about this shirt for a minute. Are you nervous? Yeah, I mean, the last half of that joke, I just tried. So I was kind of

winging that on the last part. What was the first thing you talked about? Have you ever been in a job interview? Like, realized you're in a job interview, and you didn't want the job? No, I remember now. See, but that's how you should do it. The way you just explained it is how you should just talk.

So you guys ever been in a job interview and ended up blowing someone? I mean, just... Okay. Yeah, it's hard to... I'm trying to... At Open Mic, it's trying to be more conversational. Well, good, but that's what we're telling.

You're on the right track. I mean, we're here to tell you that you're asking yourself the right questions. You just got to work a little harder at it. Just practice talking. Like when you're alone, you should just practice talking. Read a book out loud. Okay.

Do you have another job? No. I mean, I'm freelancing. Have you been going on job interviews? Yeah. Where have you been interviewing at? Like what types of jobs are you looking for? Just, I mean, design jobs, but I haven't really been getting it.

What kind of jobs are you looking for? I mean, design jobs, but I haven't really been getting it. What kind of design? Like web design, like skateboard graphics, just anything that's kind of... Skateboard graphics. Yeah, talk about that. That's fucked up. Yeah, no, it's... Are you a skateboarder? Yeah, I mean, I haven't skated in a while, but...

How old are you? 42. 42. And you make skateboard graphics. I haven't skated in a while, but... How old are you? 42. 42? Yeah, so... And you make skateboard graphics. I haven't in a while. I mean, it's been a little while, but, yeah, that's what I did a couple years ago. See, but you're more interesting now

than you were doing your jokes. Okay. Now, do you know what that means? It means just you got to be this guy telling your jokes. Okay. You still feel like you're on the defensive from being attacked, though. Because he is being attacked.

It's like there's an angry mob with pitchforks who's like, if we see a motherfucker in a checkered button-up, we are going to get him. Do you know? When you interact socially, do you have that look in your eyes? I mean, sometimes. It just depends. I think just not being up in a while here. Right.

I'll try to figure out, okay, what am I going to, what jokes am I going to do and kind of being more prepared. You're on the right track. You're doing better than I used to. Last time I saw you, you scared me. I called people. I think just, like, trying to look out to look out and look and make eye contact, that's one of the things I was trying was look at everybody. But yeah, it's...

The most important thing in comedy is talk with the room, not at it. Right, okay. So just talk to people and see who's listening. Okay. No one wants to be talked at. They were talked at all day at work. Let's talk about this shirt for a second. I knew that was coming up when you asked about it.

So, like, where did you get a shirt like that? Where do you buy that at? I didn't get it at Cracker Barrel, but I got it at kind of the next best thing. I went to Austin Thanksgiving. I got it at Academy, like a hunting store. I went to Austin Thanksgiving. I got it at Academy, like a hunting store. I gotta tell you, I like it. Thank you. I want to hear more about it. Tell me where you got this shirt.

It's at a store called Academy, and I think me being a recovering alcoholic, it's easy to take it off. As a recovering alcoholic, you want to be able to get your shirt off quick? It's easy to put it on and take it off. I feel like academies and sporting.

Well, I'm from Texas, so I've been to an academy in Austin, and it's like a sporting goods store. And I feel like the function of that is like, oh, I'm drunk, and I'm going to fight somebody. So you need to be able to rip that so you don't mess up your fancy shirt. Right. Yeah. It's very interesting. Very interesting. Why?

Why? If you're drunk okay if you're recovering alcoholic why do you need a shirt with snap buttons great question i just it just reminds me it just it's the closest i can get to when i used to drink so i there's like an emotional when you used to drink did you just rip a shirt off? I would go crazy, and that's when I would. People were charging me, and I was drunk. Then I would... Maybe you should start drinking again. It might help your confidence. That'd be a hell of a reality

show. I want to lock you into a room strapped with cameras. And give you a shirt with a zipper. Fuck, I can't get it off. Do they know I'm drunk? I'd put you a shirt with a zipper. Just give you... I can't get it off. Do they know I'm drunk? Fuck it. I'd put you in layers, man. Just seven different layers of clothes.

I'd put you at Applebee's. Shots of whiskey, ripping everything off slowly. And then at the end, Pat Reagan comes twice. And we bring it all back around again. It's a very ugly shirt. You're on track, man.

Okay. Put your hands together for Brett Bantz. Thank you guys. Roasting shirts today, Brian. I like your fashion advice. It's not really fashion. It's a bunch of ugly shirts tonight. What makes a good shirt for you?

Because you have an interesting style of your own. Because you usually have letters like Laverne and Shirley on. Oh, a Laverne and Shirley reference just killed in this room, which not liking an audience before is one thing, but to hear a Laverne and Shirley reference really decimate, really tuned up my level of hatred

of this specific crowd tonight. I like the two-tone hoodie. I've never seen a two-tone hoodie. To know that that's the quality of room that I've drawn here tonight, just to where the thing that really broke everybody wide open was a Laverne and Shirley lettered shirt reference. It makes me really proud.

I'm really happy that there's still a lot of time left in this show. Pat, you really laughed hard at that. Are you a Laverne and Shirley fan? No, I just – well, now I'm laughing because you're deflecting Brian's question. What, was there a question? Yeah, do you have, like, a fashion, like, what is your fashion style? Because, I mean, like, you do wear.

What the fuck is wrong with the normal shirts that you guys are wearing? Guys. Were you molested by a lumberjack? That just worked? How is this working? How is this working? Brian, I've known you five years

That's the funniest thing you've said Yeah And the Laverne and Shirley thing is the second funniest thing This is your night You gotta send this out as your tape. We're talking shirt, guys. We're talking shirt. Shirts and therapy

have become... Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. How come you didn't ask Sam Jackson where he got that shirt? The funny thing is, what I was gonna say was, it's crazy that Eddie Whitehead Jr. was the best-dressed guy up here tonight, and he's the only one that sleeps on fucking newspapers.

Laverne and Shirley newspapers. It's a tough room, man. Put your hands together for your next comedian. You always know it's good when they go by just one letter for their last name. Put your hands together for Chris D.,. You always know it's good when they go by just one letter for their last name. Put your hands together for Chris D, everybody. Let's see what happens here. Thank you.

Hello. Have you guys ever heard of 8-1-1? Okay, nobody? Great. 811, a thing I just heard about, it's called DigSafe. Yeah, it's a number you want to call if you're doing any digging so you don't hit pipes and power lines, stuff like that. I thought that was a pretty good idea. But then I was thinking, isn't that way too close to 911?

Like, you know what I'm talking about? What if you were in a serious emergency? Like, somebody's in your house. They're coming after you. You have no time. You're running away. You reach for the phone. Accidentally hit 811.

So I had to give them a call. And I was like, help! Help! He's here. He's in my house. He's trying to kill me. And they were like, oh, you're looking for 911. This is 811.

I was like, oh, no! Wow. Want to finish it? Is that my time? That was a minute. But keep going. All right. No, it really doesn't matter, I guess. Wow You want to finish it? Is that my time? That was a minute But keep going No It really doesn't matter

I guess Do you really want me to? I will keep going Is there more to it? Oh there's a lot more to it I thought it was a minute joke I guess it was longer Than what I had time

Keep going Just keep going I want to hear more So you're on the phone It's 8-1-1 You expected 9-1-1. It'll work. I'm dying to see what happens. Yeah.

Right? This is so weird now. Looking for 9-1-1. Oh, yeah, and then I had a fake gunshot go off and just hung up. Oh, there it is. We knew that was going to happen. Okay. So there wasn't as much more to it. And then I called back five minutes later from the same phone line,

and I said, yeah, I need to dig a hole. And then you accidentally called. Big punchline. Like this hole. Maybe you were right when you said it's not worth finishing. No, it's absolutely not worth finishing. It actually works as a great joke typically, but this environment. It seemed like the setup was really long.

It's a long setup. I guess for just a minute it wouldn't work. I've never done this before. Where are you from? I'm from Boston. And you do stand-up there? Yeah. For how long?

I've been doing it for five years. Oh, cool. Yeah, you're comfy. Oh, yeah, I'm comfy. I'm just not comfortable with this. I'll tell you that. I'll straight up tell you that right now. So when you signed up for it.

This is like, it's very judgy. I just didn't know what it was. Oh. I want to sign up for it. Now, when you say it's very judgy, what do you mean by that? I mean, there's five very experienced comics on the stage with you while you're trying to deliver a one minute joke,

it's very difficult. But do you think we judge anybody? I don't know. Probably. Yes, that's your job. So yes. No, it's not. Everybody's job is to...

Most DJ shirts, if that helps. Yeah, we're just going to talk about your shirt in a second. Okay. You want to talk about that? No, but personally, I haven't judged anyone. Okay.

So when you say where I'll judgegy, you got to apologize for that. Okay. I apologize. Because you were lashing out because you had some trouble for a minute. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So instead of just saying, you know, it was uncomfortable, you don't have to say it's our fault.

Okay. I like your shirt. Thank you. Brian's only saying that because he's hoping that you'll hook him up with free Chipotle after this. Because that's obviously a Chipotle. Chipotle? It's not? That's from Greece.

Is that a sticker? It's from Greece. Do you know the difference between Mexican and Greece? I'll hook you up with free Chipotle anyway if you want it. I'll buy it for you. Do you have a quick joke that takes 15, 20 seconds? A 20-second joke? Yeah.

Oh, shit. I guess. What do you mean you guess? You got to believe in what you're selling. I'm a storyteller. I mean, I... Well, then you need more than a minute. I do.

This might not be your venue. It's not. When you signed up, did they tell you it was a minute? Do you just sign up for random things all the time? Yeah. This might not be your venue. It's not. When you signed up, did they tell you it was a minute? Do you just sign up for random things all the time? Yeah. Do you just put your name in random raffles? Like, why not just get an experience that you've never had before, no matter what it be?

But did they tell you it was a minute? Did you read the thing that you signed up for? No. You just put your name on things? Well, I knew it was a minute, but I honestly, doing that joke, like, in my mind, I thought But I'll just say this, and I don't want you to think that in any way I'm judging you. Yeah.

I already think that but go ahead. That's it. But that's something you need to work through. I don't know it is. But there's seven or eight people that have all done a minute. You've been here watching people do a minute so you knew that it was a minute. Right. that it was a minute Right

So that was the only problem You did a joke that was a four minute joke Yeah That's the problem That was my bad there As long as you cop to it I can admit it and I feel like I've grown tremendously From this experience

I think you have And we just nudge in the right direction We don't judge anyone. And I will follow you home tonight until you fucking tell me that you're not being judged. I would love it if you followed me home tonight.

I'm not done with you. I have so much free time that my mission in life is to get you to know that we don't judge. You just told Kirk that you would love it if he followed you. Home, yeah. Yeah, what does that mean? You want to fuck Kirk?

Oh, that's exactly what it means, yeah. Kirk Fox meets Chris Bear? Is that what's happening here? There's nothing wrong with that. It's just nice to be wanted. Can I just be honest? Yeah. I love it.

I love your style. You're from Boston, huh? Yeah. And by your build, I'm guessing you were nowhere near that marathon that happened a few years ago, right? You were safe, right? You were safe, right? You were distant from that.

Yeah. Now, Tony, he's judgy. I'm not. Yeah, that just happened. That I could see. That happened because you tried to tell me that you didn't know what you were signing up for, but then you later admitted that you knew that it was a minute. You got punished.

Sure. With a fat joke. Do you like to be punished? I love it, and that's – Here we go. Like if With a fat joke. Do you like to be punished? I love it. Like if Kirk was into it. Would you rather follow Tony home or Kirk? No, no, no. He's

following me. Do you have a trailer hitch on your car? I want to be. Yes, I do. I want to be chased. You know what I mean? I wouldn't chase somebody. What if to follow me. What if you followed Kirk, and then Tony followed you, and you're in the middle? Oh, no.

I'd be into that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Jesus Christ. What are you, pimping us out by then? What the fuck is going on over here?

Yeah, I like that. Yeah, come twice. Jesus Christ. Pat, I see you. You know what's funny is when I'm fucking you, you can dial 811. And tell them you're digging it. As long as you dig safely. Fuck yeah.

Burying some cable deep in this guy. You're safe where it'll be shovel. That'd be great. I love it. Pat Reagan's wheels are turning over there. What's going on? I just got a tag for you, Chris. What if you accidentally dial 311?

It's like, Amber is the color of your energy. There you go. That's just tremendous, man. 90s 311 reference. That's awesome. That's awesome, dude. Can I be honest with you? Yeah.

Okay, so it feels like, okay, so you came in a little bit defensive because you've been doing it five years. You were a little experienced. And then you come into what you perceive as a hostile room. But I think your issue is what happened. You went into an act out. You went into the what? What was it? Why?

Yeah. There's something about why or what. And there was a flash right before you went into it where you like second guess yourself where you didn't fucking leap in with full confidence yeah yeah cause I messed it up I messed up the setup like I messed up the whole thing from the beginning like just wasn't good

and like and it was like a 60 seconds that just wasn't good for me but what I love is talking about it for 5 minutes afterwards like that's tremendous see even that was defensive okay but what I love is talking about it for five minutes afterwards. That's tremendous. See, even that was defensive. Okay.

You know what's great is you don't have to talk about it anymore. That's great. You can go. I'm done. Perfect. There you go, everybody. Chris D. He's on Twitter at ChrisOBCT. Fuck yeah. Josh is periscoping from the back of the room Wow Periscoping from the back of a live podcast

Really really interesting Josh Really crossing the streams back there Ghostbusters style Josh I'm going to have a crown and coke You guys want drinks? What are you guys drinking? Anybody in the audience want a drink? I'm just kidding I'm not buying you fuckers drinks

Pat what are you drinking? Whiskey the audience want to drink? I'm just kidding. I'm not buying you fuckers drinks Pat, what are you drinking? Whiskey ginger You want a beer, Kirk? Anybody? No pressure I'll have a beer Can I do a rum and coke, please? Rum and coke, crown and coke, beer, beer Who just yeah girled a rum and coke?

That was me over here Fuck yeah Was that supposed to be empowering? I'll take a crown of cocks when I double cum. What are you, fucking home improvement? I'm just a man watching a show. Young Batman. Okay.

Okay, put your hands together for Alice. Okay, she changed her name after writing it down. Allie Makovsky. It was once Allison. She got rid of this son. Oh, shit. You know what that means, Pat. She just got blacklisted.

Ooh, I like that one. Blow the speakers. Fuck yeah. Okay. Ooh, another one- letter last name initial. Put your hands together for Arturo H. Fuck yeah. Here he comes.

Arturo H, ladies and gentlemen. It's still happening. How's it going, everybody? How's it going, everybody? So I decided to grow up this morning and change my cell phone plan to unlimited data for once. I decided that, you know, it was the same as keeping open the tab or not counting the amount of times I jacked off today. But, yeah, man, I thought I was saving money. You know, five gigs is enough.

You know, I don't use my phone much. But come to find out, I'm lonely as fuck. You know, and AT&T seems to want to remind me about that at the most inappropriate of times. Like today, I went to the bathroom to take a shit, you know, took my phone with me, started seeing some videos, and decided to do some cardio, you know, just pump the blood a little bit, you know. And then all of a sudden, AT&T hits me with this message talking about 100% of your data usage is spent, and we're charging you an extra $10 for one gigabyte of data for the

rest of the month. Now, listen, if you're sitting on your toilet with your dick in your hand contemplating on whether to bust a nut. Keep going. toilet with your dick in your hand contemplating on whether to bust a nut keep going on whether to bust a nut or save $10 then something's wrong with you thank you fuck yeah Arturo hell yeah I like your style man how long you been doing stand-up this is my first time Wow Wow, look at that. We did it again. You heard it. You know what the elephant in seals means.

Fuck yeah, Arturo. That's amazing. That's so fun. So you want to be the jack-off comedian, like all of your stuff. No, not at all. it's just that's something that happened this morning so of course yeah you know so fuck it i'll talk about it you know yeah did you jack off and then go today's the day i do comedy uh yeah actually yeah i just figured i

was like this is it yeah i figured i needed to change a pace you know that's what i'm thinking about today so that's why i'm here what what felt better, jacking off or doing stand-up? Doing stand-up. You can't beat that. I'm here to have fun. You were taking a shit while you were jacking off? Yeah.

Is that for the anal play? I can't get into jacking off. You need to feel the ass stuff at the same time. I was watching some videos, and the mood struck. So you were taking a shit, watching a video, and jacking off? Yeah. Wow. You do more in a day than I do in a week.

And writing a bit. Exactly. I wrote it on my way here. Wow, that's amazing. Did you jerk off on the way here, too? No, I didn't. Let me ask you this. Do you often jerk off on the toilet?

Is that a normal thing that you do? No, it's just like I said. That's amazing. So you're blowing loads while taking a shit. And by the looks of it, those are the only two ways that you lose any weight ever. Blowing loads while dropping loads. We're all dropping. You're like a very, very young fluffy. Has anybody told you that?

You're like Babriel Inglesias. Alright. I don't like this crowd. I don't like me. I don't like you. This is the worst. This is my worst performance in 102 episodes. I hate tonight. This is the last time we're ever taking a week off, by the way.

Do you like that shirt? For your first time on stage, I thought you were fantastic. Thank you. I mean, it was interesting. I was paying attention. Yeah, definitely. Arturo, I'll just say you're holding the mic a long distance

from your face. Just imagine that the mic is like a big ice cream cone. There goes the mic. Oh, the mic a long distance from your face, just imagine that the mic is like a big ice cream cone. There goes the mic. Oh, the mic's gone now. You podcast listeners, we just lost a mic. Arturo, that is so fun. I love it when it's people's first times. What have you been doing with your life up until this point?

How old are you? 22. Wow, I love it. That's how old I was when I started. Just think, eight years from now, you could be bombing on your own show like I've been doing tonight. Really haven't hosted it exceptionally well. I really haven't gotten any good jokes on. Normally it's like home run derby, but it's just not happening.

So how do you think that you could, you think that this is something that you want to do for a long time after doing it for the first time well yeah i mean it's something i really enjoy so right oh yeah right i mean you've only done it once so you don't really have a lot to draw on yeah yeah exactly no but i like it because like i listen to the show a lot and i listen to like jre and i'm a fan of red band through that and cool found this year so well it's your first time but you're a fan of Red Bands? You got to keep some things to yourself. No, well, that leads me to Death Squad. That leads me here.

It's amazing for a first-time comedian how much material you have. And again, I'm just talking about that shirt. There we go with the Tony. What do you think about that? You don't like it? It looks like if you wear 3D glasses, it would look... What do you do when you're not jacking off or shitting i have a full-time job in anaheim and

as at what doing what uh it's like warehouse work and assembly line we fabricate circuit boards nice and then i go to school in san bernardino also full-time for graphic design just start writing about it man hell yeah yeah wow i'm busy, so this is my only day off, so I'm here normally. Of course you're busy. You gotta shit and jack off at the same time. Yeah, busy schedule. It's amazing.

What else? What else is something interesting about you, Arturo? That's it. I like writing lyrics, too. Writing what? Like, lyrics. Oh, really?

Yeah. Do you play any instruments? No, not at all. Not at all, huh? Do you also write lyrics while you jerk off? Yeah. Do you play any instruments? No, not at all. Not at all, huh? Do you also write lyrics while you jerk off? Yeah. Okay.

So it really is like your most creative time, I think. Is it just the jerking off or is the shitting jerking off really like when you shine creatively? Actually, that's what leads me into writing, you know? Okay. That's where I find my time alone. Now, let me ask you this. I'm non-sexually fascinated by your process, by the way. Oh, hell yeah. There's a question that I have which feels like it's been influenced from years of hanging out with Brian Redband.

But now I want to know the answer to it because I'm thinking. So you're shitting, right? And then so, like, do you start the actual shit? Like, does anything come out of you before you start jerking off? What's the order of events as far as shit, jerk off? That's a great question. Did you go into the bathroom to shit or to masturbate?

To shit. And then all of a sudden you're sitting there and you look down and you saw your dick and you're just like, oh yeah, you're about to get it right now. Right when you least expect it. Actually, like, due to my size, like, I usually have to cut my balls

before I sit down, you know, because I don't need that type of pain in my life. You know what I mean? Wait a second. No, now I want to know more. I have no idea about cupping balls before. You sit on your balls every time you sit? Sometimes, yeah. I've sat on my balls a few times. Wow. Jeez, oh man.

So when I sit down, I was like, fuck you. I've never sat on my balls. I feel like I'm missing out on something. How do you sit on the balls on a toilet seat, though? I mean, there's like a big opening there. Of all the things that you could sit on where you wouldn't sit on your balls, I'd imagine that a toilet's probably one of them. I guess when you're looking at

your phone as you sit, you don't know really where you're sitting. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's a fucking crapshoot. Fuck yeah. So I'm going to go back to my filthy question. So let me ask you this. Did you finish?

Did you orgasm while on the toilet? Well, no, because I got the message of 100% of your data has been used. Right. The real question, what did you wipe first? Your ass or your dick? Yeah, my ass. Good for you, man.

I don't like it. I can never come on the toilet. It just doesn't work. And then I have a boner and have to piss while shitting and then my boner won't fit in the toilet hole. If you put a little mini fridge next to the toilet, you'd never have to leave. Golden. Fuck, dude. That's it.

If I was 22, I'd just start differently. Now, what other members of your family do you have? Any brothers or sisters? No, just my mom. Yeah, I live with my mom. You're an only child? Yeah, only child. What nationality are you? Mexican.

Oh, my God, everybody. Undercover cop here. Undercover cop. Somebody make a wish. Your mom's lying to you. Isn't there supposed to be the end of a rainbow somewhere here right now or something? A Mexican single child. Holy shit.

Wow, your mother obviously cooks dinner for five kids. Only took 40 minutes. When he didn't say he was a landscaper, I knew that there was going to be something else. He's definitely not a landscaper. By his look, you could tell that he's not seeing a landscaper. He definitely goes...

By his look, you can tell that he's not seeing any greens whatsoever. Are you exercising? Not at all. You do exercise? Are you going to start? Are you aware that you're a little overweight? Maybe one day a week, don't jerk off

and just go for a walk. Just as a friend. Health-wise, just start exercising. But when you fill in your time from jerking off with taking a walk, don't accidentally shit your pants while you're doing it out of habit. Or jerk off while you're walking. Right. That's a good little thing.

You jerk off when you're shitting so much that, okay, yeah. Right. That's a good little thing. Like, you jerk off when you're shitting so much that now every time you come, you shit also because you're so used to it. That's like a good little turn of events to that. This is a super-

Look at this. You're changing people's lives, Arturo, I'm pretty sure. Do you have a girlfriend? No. Yeah. I like your Elvis smirk, by the way.

You have like that Elvis smirk thing going on there. And you got the Elvis body toward the end, so that's good. Yeah, and you're probably also going to die on a shitter, obviously. There you go. That's a fuck you to everybody that wasn't with me all night. Go fuck yourselves.

Worst audience out of 102 episodes. You'll be coming and going at the same time. Arturo, I fucking love you. I'd shake your hand, but get the fuck out of here. Arturo, you are unbelievable. I really, really, really, really,

really hope you come back next week. Thank you so much. Arturo H., everybody. That guy's cool as fuck. 22. He's got a thing. He's got a look. Going through data.

Going through data. Hey, better call Saul. Will you quiet down, you wacky son of a bitch? What's this guy's story? We finally get Jerry and Laney quiet for the first time in months in this doofball over here. I bet you have a fancy car. What kind of car do you drive? Oh, he's mad at me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, funny man. I see. Period. Let's go to our next comedian, Kenan Lewis. What's that? I don't have any of that. I'm Jewish. Did you know, thank you, we invented the circumcision?

We're like the Thomas Edison's of cutting part of your dick off. I recently found out why we originally did that though. We did it as an offering to God. We would circumcise our children as an offering to God. Do you know God loves Ooh. Hey. Yeah, fuck. That's fucked up. I used to cut when I was younger, and I got older, and I realized I wasn't just hurting myself. I was hurting everyone in line behind me.

I think all this awful stuff stems from the fact that my mom didn't start breastfeeding me until I was 13. Yeah, that's 58 seconds. Okay. Kenan. You got a clutch one for that? Hey, you. That's it.

Whoa, looks like Pat Reagan hates you. Jeez, wow. My goodness. Why are you attacking Keenan? Yeah? All right forget it Keenan how long you been doing stand-up like a month where you from Phoenix, Arizona Have you been doing it a month here? Did you start in Phoenix? I started here Wow you live here now Yeah, Originally from Phoenix? Yeah. How long have you lived in LA? Like two and a half years. Two and a half years and you were out here for two and a half years and all of a sudden you're like now I'm gonna start stand-up.

Pretty much. What were you doing the two and a half years before that? I work in film. I worked at a camera shop for a while. I do photography., nice. How'd you know that, Pat? I can just smell it on him. Oh, you hate this guy. No, no. I listened to all your songs and laughed along and tapped my feet. Oh, shit.

You do me like this. Damn, look at you. What an asshole. Guys, what do you got for Keenan? We gotta fly through this part real quick. I mean, you've been doing it a month. Like I say, you got to just slow it down a little. You know, you're bouncing around the stage, so we're losing you. Okay.

And you just tell these jokes and believe in them. And like I said at the beginning, if something doesn't work, they only know it doesn't work if you say, oh, fuck, that didn't work. So just keep going. They don't know when it's supposed to be funny. You might get a laugh at 60 seconds, and then they'll think, fuck, that was just a long setup. So just slow it down. You're a smart guy.

Just write some better jokes. Thank you. That's all. Thank you. I say that, and I feel like especially with like one minute of time Coming out and be like hey did you guys know Did you guys know and like you know You're not getting a lot of like

Reception then it just feels like You're doing a questionnaire that nobody's Responding to So maybe just come out with like more confidence And be like so I mean we all know How like this and then like you said You know just kind of make the jokes punchier, but I think you have a good energy,

just definitely slow it down. Kenan, you have a black name. I do, I do. I'll say you have a black name. Kenan, what was the last name? Kenan Lewis. Yeah, that's a black name. Yeah.

Actually, you have two black first names. Kenan and Lewis probably would qualify. What happened there? Well, Lewis is my middle name, but my last name is like a long Polish last name, so it's just too much. Kusnirczyk? Ooh, yikes.

Keenan Kusnirczyk? Wow, that's why your parents hated you at Keenan. Now that I see the last name they matched that up with. I kind of like that last name. I'd go with it. With the Polish one? Yeah. No one can pronounce it.

Keenan, we've got to move to the next part of the show. I accidentally pulled your name out of a bucket instead of moving to the final part of the show. So there you go. Kenan Lewis, everybody. There he goes. Kenan Kusnirczyk, ladies and gentlemen. Kenan Kusnirczyk. There he goes.

This is the part of the show where we have two regulars that have been doing a new 60 seconds every single week since the show started. And they always write and perform a brand new minute. And this week's no different. Put your hands together for your first regular doing 60 seconds of brand new material. Drop out of the Florida University of Florida, everybody. And she did stand up for her very first time on this stage and has been writing and performing a new minute for a year and a half. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. I recently got a membership at 24 Hour Fitness.

There's two of them in Hollywood. There's a gay gym and there's a straight gym. And I'm working out at the gay gym until I'm sexy enough for the straight gym. I like working out with the lesbians. My fingers are getting really strong. I treat the gym like comedy. The other day I was working out in the gay gym and this gay guy looked at my butt and smiled and I'm like wow that's like impressing comics at an open mic I'm gonna

kill at the straight gym that's it that's great I love that that's three funny things I felt like that was real and you know blatantly I can see that you know the stage presence,

it's always amazing to me how different, even though a lot of comedians have been doing it longer, in five years and three years and this and that, it's interesting how it's pretty much standout, how being a regular here, your jokes have such a greater chance at working because of the way that you command the stage. It's really interesting to me to watch it evolve over a year and a half. And anyway, it's a really, really good joke. It's

true to you. And it's a local reference, but that you can make local references work anywhere. And it's a good little three banger. I think it's definitely a good premise and more to work on, guys. I agree. It's funny stuff. I've seen you over the years and you just own your space and you took a little breath and you just told your story. You believed in what you were selling and we laughed enough for you to feel good about yourself.

Thank you. That was exactly, because I think when you first said it, did you say that you go to the gay gym so then you can go to the straight gym? Yeah, like I'm going to work my way up to the straight gym. Yeah, so that was like my first instinct was like, oh, well, it almost seems like you'd want to flip it

because the gay gym is way judgier. But then you kind of went to that place, so it was like, oh, I was thrilled with that. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, great. Brand new minute. You crushed. You did it again.

Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Kim Congdon. Follow her it again. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Kim Congdon. Follow her on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. And your one other regular that does a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she comes. What's up? Went over to my friend's house.

I saw a fly swatter on her kitchen counter. I thought that was strange. I asked her, why the fuck is your fly swatter on your kitchen counter? She said, I just pulled it out of the dishwasher. Just didn't make it any better. You put your fly swatter in with your dishes and now just chilling on the counter. How come fly swatters are socially acceptable?

They're killing machines. Someone walked into my house and I had a gun on the table or on the kitchen counter, there'd be questions. Not the fly swatter. Because flies really fuck with humans. Flies are the only reason that the insect species has a leg on us. Nothing looks more stupid than someone just standing in their kitchen swatting a fly. Is there anything more? Is that it?

Yeah, that's it. It's a great premise. It really is. The fly swatter is not talked about often enough. I don't think I've ever heard anything about it, and it's right up your alley of taking products and small things, and usually for some reason

it's almost always in the kitchen. I feel like you're going to be the first comedian to do a first-hour special just on stuff in a kitchen. Sarah Weinshank's stuff in a kitchen. I can picture it. She has killer jokes on mustard and ketchup and everything in a fridge. Sarah, why don't you just take it a little further?

Like flies, they only live 24 hours hours anyway so if you're out there killing a fly you are just a fucking killer right yeah they're gonna be dead in 24 hours just chill let them die on their own you're killing something that's on death row already just let it go let nature take its. They might be dead in an hour. You don't know how long they've been living. Yeah. So just go at your friend like she's a sociopath. Okay.

I like that. I also want to say, like, what's wrong with your kitchen that you need, like, a fly swatter out all the time? You know, like, maybe look into that. Ask yourself if fruit flies are gay. Right. In killing a fly with a fly swatter due to their 24 hours,

they only have 24 hours of life left. Talk about how most of them die from a concussion. Just hitting the window enough. You know, this audience really needs to wake up. It's too late. It's the end of the episode.

That's it. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. We did it again, guys. Episode Who Gives a Fuck on episode Who Gives a Fuck on truly episode Who Gives a Fuck of Kill Tony. This one might never be released, so congratulations to you,

you stream viewers. I'd like a copy of it. I thought it was fantastic. You want a copy? I thought it was fantastic. I'll put it in a box of tapes for you. Remember that from earlier, you fucking idiots?

I actually want this because I need a new white noise machine. Thank you so much. Patty Reagan, everybody, is Patty Reagan on Twitter. Kirk Fox is Kirk Fox. Vanessa Ramos is Vanessa Ramos. Catch her on At Midnight, one of the greatest writers in the world.

So many great jokes on that Bieber roast. Love working with her. And the great Kirk Fox, Brian Redband and I, May 12th at 13th, San Fran, Sacramento. Kill Tony every Monday at 8. Thank you, live audience. I really like you guys, believe it or not Take a big check yourself before you wreck yourself. Come on and check yourself before you make any mistakes. Take a big check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass ain't bad for you. you you