KILL TONY - KILL TONY #103

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

Ian Edwards, Erik Griffin, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 05/04/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Click on our tour dates at DeathSquad.tv, and you'll see that me and Tony are at the Comedy Store every Monday for Kill Tony. What you're listening to right now, and it's a free show, starts at 8 p.m. Also, every Friday, Death Squad is at the Ice House in Pasadena. And then me and Dean Del Rey are going to come to Toronto on July 18th. It's going to be a huge show. It's at Big Picture Cinema. It's going to be burlesque dancers, local stuff, and we're doing a podcast and a comedy

show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Tickets are going crazy fast. It's actually pretty close to selling out. So get your tickets now. Death Squad Toronto, July 18th. And then July 30th, me and Dean Del Rey will be in San Jose at the beautiful, humongous San Jose Improv. That place is huge. That's Thursday, July 30th. Me and Dean will be

there. Tickets are on sale right now. And don't forget, once a month I do a show at the Comedy Store in the main room. In the past, it's called The Secret Show, The Death Squad Secret Show. In the past, we've had Louis C.K., Sarah Silverman, Chris D'Elia, Dane Cook, Doug Stanhope, Joe Rogan, a bunch of people. And every month I put together a crazy show. So the next one is July 8th. So that's coming up, guys. July 8th. Tickets are on sale right now. I think I got Bill Burr on there.

I think I got Whitney from the show Whitney. Yeah, and a bunch of people. So it's going to be a lot of fun, a lot of surprises. So get your tickets now. They always go fast and sell out. That's the Death Squad Secret Show

at the Comedy Store. And don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for all your merch and tour dates and all the places that Tony's at. Check them out. And don't forget ShopSquad.tv for the official Death Squad merchandise.

Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Hey this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony volume two give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe Fuck yeah. Here we are, everybody. We're doing it again. Anything can happen.

It's Kill Tony, everyone. We're random comedians or people just starting out in comedy sometimes. Even sign up for the opportunity to do a minute of stage time. How you doing, live audience? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. How about you keep it going for the great Pat Reagan over there,

the man you've been jamming with all night, the leader of the Kill Tony band. The one man band. Hello to the thousands of hundreds watching on Ustream right now, live on the internet at ustream.tv backslash death squad. That's right, there's hundreds more people watching this show. So we just couldn't fit them all into the

Anne Frank attic of the comedy store. But I'm glad that you guys could make it another jam-packed Monday. This is fun. It was a little half-off Monday last week. We were a little wibbly-wobbly on our turnout. Welcome back, though. You've been on the road. You've been everywhere. Yeah. I just went to Vancouver, Philly, Montreal, and Buffalo and Toronto all in the past two weeks, everybody.

That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. And still dialed in. Still throwing killers like that Malaysian plane reference from five minutes ago. You never know what can happen in the moment. Anything can happen. Pat, how are you doing? I'm doing

good, Tony. Put your hands together for Josh Martin running around in the purple shirt. A little goofball. Takes care of everything. Hangs up the Chinese lanterns. All the hard work that someone as smart as me doesn't want to do. Have you even played with Periscope yet?

That's the biggest thing that's been hitting the comedy store since you've been gone. Really? Everybody's been Periscoping. We're Periscoping right now with 200 people. We're Ustreaming right now with 200 people. 200? Yeah.

So we got 400 people watching two different camera angles right now. This Periscope thing just started. Why do you keep putting up my free cams? No reason. You're a disgusting human, Brian. How do we already have more people on Periscope than on the Ustream? Because Periscope is taking off. This is the new thing.

If you guys haven't found out yet, Twitter bought a live streaming company where now people have their own little drones in their hands. So last night, there was five different people just streaming their own. Oh, Jesus. We're all going to be idiots in three weeks. Oh, yeah. It's the dumbest. Oh, Jesus. We're all going to be idiots in three weeks. Oh, yeah. It's the dumbest culture ever. Yeah. We're all going to die.

We're all going to die. There's no more secrets anymore. And then people are upset now about texting and driving. Wait until there's periscoping and driving. I did that last night on the way here. Oh, Jesus. All right. I thought you were going to say on the way home.

I'm like, Brian. No, I wouldn't do it on the way home. Well, actually, I did do it on the way home. I forgot. It was blocked out. There you go. On fire. That one really hit.

Stop pointing that thing at me. Get a tripod or something, you weirdo. What are you? What are you? Martin Scorsese? All right, guys. Let's get this fun fest started. Sacramento and San Francisco next week.

San Francisco and Sacramento. So if you week. San Francisco and Sacramento. So if you live in San Francisco or Sacramento and you're watching on Periscope or Ustream or killyourself.com go buy tickets to our live show next Tuesday and Wednesday in San Francisco and Sacramento at the Punchline Comedy Club.

Anyway, welcome live audience. You guys ready to meet tonight's guests or what? I know I am. I always have two of my funniest friends on to talk with comedians with me. It's stand-up comedians talking to comedians about comedy or about anything. Tonight's guests, they've both been on this show before. Two of my funniest friends. Two of my most successful, hard-working, and show business friends.

I'm so lucky to have them both here. Put your hands together for the great Ian Edwards and Eric Griffin, everybody. Here they are. Eric Griffin and Ian Edwards. Eric Griffin and Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Here they are. Fuck yes. Yeah.

What's going on? Good to have you guys. Yeah. You guys have done this show before. I'm excited that you're both back. What's up, Redman? Is that your real name? Was that like a weird... Oh my god. This new you holding a phone thing is just gonna be a disaster, right? No, it's okay.

You can do it if you want. It's just scary that like... There's too much cameras anyway. Yeah. So if it's an app, it's okay. You can do it if you want. It's just scary. There's too much cameras anyway. So if it's an app, it's okay. Stalking is now okay because there's an app. I mean, at least Vine, they stopped you at six seconds. You know what I mean? Floyd Mayweather is working on a Beat Your Girl app, so it'll be okay as long as it's an app.

It won't. I'm just kidding. Why did it get so awkward? I know. It happened quick. It happened quick. It was't. I'm just kidding. Why did it get so awkward when you guys came up and sat down? It happened quick. It was fast. Pat, I always have you ask the guest questions rather than me asking them questions because it's more fun and spontaneous

and I never know what you're going to ask. So why don't you go ahead and ask our guest tonight's question. Okay, Eric Griffin, how do you think the world's going to end? I don't think it is going to end. Yeah, it's just going gonna keep going really yeah why does it have to end why are you such a pessimist we're gonna die but it's gonna keep going yeah okay well how do you think humanity's gonna end you first okay all right pat you went for it on that one. What's your question for Ian Edwards? Ian Edwards, you work with Conan a lot. Conan's a big, tall guy, but he's got sort of a big dick.

So my question is, does he wear two pairs of underpants to buffer between his dick and his pants so you can't tell his dick through his pants? Is this an attempt at an uncomfortable question? Because it's weak. That's a real question. This is my question to do. Is that your attempt at trying to be awkward? Is that my attempt at trying to be

awkward? Is my attempt at trying to be funny? Are you one of the guest comics? Yeah. Can I start trashing him in his t-shirt? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Could you wash that thing? Jesus Christ

Why don't you like me, Ian Edwards? Listen, to not like you I would have to know you And that wouldn't happen Let's not get an ego boost over there In this moment, I'm just attacking you. But you can look at me when you talk to me. Nah, I don't have to do that.

Wow, he has less than... I've seen you, I've seen you. Ian has less than no respect for you. That's rough. I wouldn't even put that word in there. Just a less than, you know? Who is this guy? Where'd you get him?

Where's the robot? Yeah. What the fuck is this? So, let me get... When I first was here, there weren't that many people. Now this shit is packed, and then you... That's because I got rid of the robot. You downgraded from the robot to this.

Yeah. I finally got packed because we got rid of the robot. No, it wasn't that. It's just an amazing show format, and the host is incredible. Here we go. And humble. Well produced, too.

Oh, you got a little shout out. He would turn red if he could. It's hilarious. I would? I said you would turn red if you could. He's saying you don't have the blood or the heart in your body to even make your face turn red right now. I have a blood circulation condition called Raynaud's Phenomenon. Congratulations.

Really? Ladies. All right, let's get this fucking thing started. It's like we're at a UCB show. Let's get it on, guys. Comedians, you know what the deal is. How many comics are here? As always, about 25,

30, 35 comedians sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. When their 60 seconds is up, we continue to talk to them on the stage, maybe about what they talked about. Maybe we give them advice. Maybe we just make fun of them. Maybe we find out more things about them that maybe they could turn into different material. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Yeah, that's the sound. That means wrap it up. Earl, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You don't want that to happen again, right? You still haven't gotten Jerome to come in and do that, right? Who? Remember Jerome? I always ask about him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he never made it in't gotten Jerome to come in and do that, right? Who? Remember Jerome? I always ask about him.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he never made it in. He never made it in. An actual gay, an actual fat gay man to be the West Hollywood Bear. No, we never got him. Oh, Jerome, yeah. Alright, I pulled the name out of the bucket. Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Ryan Dalton. Here we go.

Hey, how you doing? Just moved into town. Love going out to eat. Not a fan of the restaurants here. They're a little too nice. Fine dining is designed to make you feel like shit about yourself. This restaurant had water options, and I was not prepared. They're like, we have sparkling water, we have bottled water,

but you look like more of a tap water person. I'm like, do you have a puddle? The next time this happens to me, I'm going to out-snob the restaurant. I'm going to be like, do you have any steam? They don't have steam. Well, they don't have sparkling steam, I assure you. Because you're poor.

I think suppository is the nicest possible word for what that actually is there's no nicer way to describe that you hear suppository you don't know what it is you're like oh suppose you tell me a story

what's it about I'm done there we go Ryan Dalton hell yeah how long have you been doing stand-up? 11 years. That shows. Where have you been doing this? I lived in Cleveland,

and then I traveled the country, and then I moved here last month. Last month. So whose road jokes are those? Oh. Last month. Last month. So whose road jokes are those?

Oh. Now, I only say that because this is like cheating for you. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. I mean, my guns were loaded. It came down. I did some jokes. You were fully waiting to trash me.

No, no. God damn it. I'm not here to trash you. I've done this before. I never trashed anybody. I'm not here to trash you. I've done this before. I never trashed anybody. The thing is, like, you sat so far in a seat where you have no confidence of getting a number. Like, half your time was up by the time you got here.

That's true. That's true. But I can tell that, like, a new person didn't write this joke. So why are you doing this show? Oh, I did it because I wanted a minute of stage time. All right. Stage time is stage time. Yeah, I was going to say this is actually a testament

to you, Tony, that like people are coming into town and they're hearing about your show and they're like, oh, I got to go get on that show. So it's actually, you know, that's a compliment to Tony right now. Of course, yeah. And the show. This guy is just trying never to go back

to Cleveland. He's like, I'm coming to LA. I'm going to try to make it. Fuck Cleveland. How long did you spend on the road? All 11 years. Just doing it and coming back to Cleveland. You started in Cleveland. Some guy in the back of the room

in Cleveland is like, you. You're going on the road. Let's go. That was it? It was like you start off. You started doing mics. You do mics. Then you're going on the road. Let's go. And that was it? No, it was like you start off, you start off doing mics, you do mics, then you host, and then you enter the evil, like comedy competitions. And then you win comedy competitions, and then your prize is stage time at other clubs, so your radius just keeps expanding throughout time until you can go. And then you get to a level, which is the saddest part,

where you realize that I've got the material, but then they're like, you don't have the credits, so you're never going to headline any of these rooms. That's when you're like, I think I'll go start over at 40. This is a sad story. You have kids? No kids. Married? Yes. How long have you been married? I've been married

five years now. So what part of the road did you meet her on? I met her in Cleveland. Where were you doing back in Cleveland? I was at a show, and my best friend introduced us, and I was like, she's pretty much as good as I'm ever going to do. No, sometimes you've got to know. I think you came to L.A. five years too late.

It's not going to work out, but I did. She was probably as good as you could possibly get in Cleveland. That's true. I'm not denying any of this. I know what I look like. Is she out here with you? She is. Is she in the room right now?

No, she's not. Oh, she's a nurse. Yeah, so she can get a job being a nurse here where I do minutes at a time. So that's how you're. All right. So she had a lifeline out of Cleveland a time. So she had a lifeline out of Cleveland too and you had a lifeline out of Cleveland.

My question is what's your next plan? Two minutes. Two minutes. Fuck yeah. Look at that. Ryan Dalton. Timing ladies and gentlemen. Timing.

You're funny man As soon as you did the first joke I'm like what the fuck Is he doing this for Is that joke an older joke Is that a The first one's the newer joke The newer joke

And the second one's brand new The water one's so fun That you can play with There's so much Like I was thinking Vitamin water You know at vegan places There's so much to do

But I would like to Invite you to The Death Squad show Friday if you want to do a spot there. I'd love to. Thank you. Wow, look at that. Dreams coming true. Now he gets to do another show at the Ice House, an actual set. You just won another contest.

Your radius is expanding. I love it. He's just raised the bar. What really sucks now is everybody's going to come up here now, I'm going to get on that show too. Right. You're probably not. FYI.

They haven't been doing it 11 years to escape Cleveland. They're not going to be as good. You better have a better story too, I'll tell you that. Pat, I see your wheels turning over there. What do you think about Ryan Dalton? You know, my confidence is shattered. I'm going to go no comment here. Wow.

Pat is not booked on that show Friday at the Ice House. He just watched some guy come out of nowhere. Next week, guess who's going to be the new Pat next week? He's going to be sitting in Pat's chair. Pat's name is going to be in a bucket.

Yeah. Trying to get a 90-minute spot. Well, Ryan, Sitting in Pat's chair. Pat's name is going to be in a bucket. Trying to get a 90 minute spot. Well, Ryan, congratulations and thank you. Thank you very much for having me. There he goes. He's Ryan Dalton. Follow him on Twitter. Ryan Dalton. Ryan D-A-L-T-O-N.

He looks like a dumpier transporter. Yeah. He looks like Bruce Willier transporter. Yeah. He looks like Bruce Willis dressed in Smurf. Jason Statham from Cleveland. Ah, there you go. Oh, Pat's fighting his way out of the swamp over there. Here he goes. He's not giving up.

No comment on that one. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is Lane Smith Jr. How's it going? Ever since I came on this show a couple weeks ago, I came out by my sweaty hands and it's totally ruined my fucking game. I've had to resort to Tinder. I met this girl on Tinder. Stacy took her out to this house party. I invited her upstairs,

got her a couple drinks. All of a sudden I got the Niagara hands coming. I was like, fuck, I gotta make my move. So I whispered in her ear, I said, hey, you wanna go fuck in the bathroom? She said, sure. Anytime a girl says sure after you ask if you wanna fuck, you gotta wear a condom. Right, so I take her in the bathroom. She said, sure. Anytime a girl says sure after you ask if you want to fuck, you gotta wear a condom. Right, so I take her in the bathroom. She's a little dry, so I take out my Sponge Bobs. Wetting that up. I start fucking her, right?

I start fucking her and all of a sudden I'm thinking, holy shit, I just met her on Tinder. Oh my god, I gotta come. So I say, oh my god, I gotta come. Boom! She drops on her knees. She looks up at me and she says, come on my face. So I came on her face, right? The next morning, right, I wake up next to this gargoyle.

I'm like, hey, hey, I got to go. Do you need me to take you anywhere? She says, yeah, you can take me to class. Right? I say, oh, UCLA, USC. She goes, Fairfax High School. Wow. Wow.

Fairfax High School was what he said there for everybody listening to the podcast. That just tells me that your Tinder shouldn't be 16 to 35 or whatever. She lied about her age, man. You're not guilty if they lie about their age. I liked everything until it lost its personality. At 45 seconds, you said you woke up next to a gargoyle, and all of a sudden anybody could have said that, and we've heard things like that before.

But that first 45 was crushed. He was here a couple weeks ago, and he did 60 seconds all about the fact that he has a terrible condition where his hands sweat profusely. We then confirmed the fact. Can you show them? Can they see it from there? He's got soaking wet hands.

What's it called again? Hydrohalitosis. Hydrohalitosis, right? Something like that. It's fucking disgusting. Anyway. But the point is. You used that joke last week, too.

Well, it's not really a joke it's just fucking disgusting that's not my writers guild work but to be fair Tony ever since I've shaken his hand me and Pat and a few other people we keep on talking about it almost every day it haunts us

you're the person the fist bump was made for yes and it still squirts it splashes water on your face. Oh. Oh. Fuck. So,

so yeah, you know, and that can follow that 60 seconds of hand sweating stuff. Like, all of a sudden you could be in on that.

But I'd keep it on wet hands. If you're gonna be the wet hands comedian, I say go wet hands all the way. Don't give up at 45 seconds and say,

oh, I woke up next to her and she wasn't that pretty. It turned out she was a high school. All of a sudden, you're playing it safe instead of keeping it on your disgusting fucking thing. When you clap outside during the day, is there a rainbow?

That's hilarious. My question is do you have real stories about people meeting you with these hands in a hand situation? Oh, yeah. No, I've got real stories. That's a real story I told you guys. It's not a fake story. That's a story you shouldn't tell anybody.

Right. Well, no, no. The truth is the night before she told me she was in high school, then I got her drunk, then I took her to the bathroom, then I came on her face. Okie dokie. I'm pretty sure the police are on their way. You know this is a live podcast, right? Dude, I got to promote. I'm on to Catch a Predator coming up this evening.

See what I'm talking about? See what just happened? That's exactly what I was saying that you did in your... No, it's not dark. It's going unfunny and hacky. That's what you do. And you shouldn't do that because you're funnier than that. Even the bullshit you were talking about was funnier than when you tried, really tried to be funny. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I asked a real question. Yeah. Like, do you have real stories? Yeah, I mean, the other day I was at the golf range and I – This sounds like a fake story. It's a real story. All right. What were you doing?

How many wet hands guys go golfing? I mean, this sounds like a real debacle. Let me guess. What happened? The club flew away. I've never played golf, but I will play you now that I know you have wet hands. I think I could beat you. He just uses his hands as ball washers.

He doesn't have to use the whoop, whoop, whoop. All right. That's a golf joke, guys. You guys might not. All right. Fuck it. Thank you. Thank you, Brian. Alright, that's a golf joke, guys. You guys might not. Alright, fuck it. Thank you. Thank you, Brian. I deserved that on that one.

Let me ask you a question just about this story you just told. How did you feel when you found out she was 17? Well, I checked her ID and she was 18 but still in high school. Was there a moment of panic? I mean, yeah.

I mean, what's worse, by the way? Hey, Lane. What's worse, by the way? Were you really happy that she was 18? Because what's worse, fucking a 17 year old in high school or fucking an 18 year old that definitely flunked? Right. And how do you know you're nervous? How do you know you're nervous? Because your hands are always

sweaty. That's worse. I know, Pat. Thank you. I'm just saying I'd rather hear about personally your moment of panic when you find out you just fucked a 17-year-old.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? It's just like the question Eric asked about people who shook your hands. Right. It's like,

just how you felt. Right. Like all of a sudden, I'm trying to grab the keys, get her out of the house. I'm slipping. I can't turn the wheel. Whatever's real. Right. You know, whatever's real. trying to grab the keys, get her out of the house. I'm slipping. I can't turn the wheel. Whatever's real. You know, whatever's real.

You know, don't try to make it up right here, but whatever's real about that is funny, you know. Like comics like to go away from what's real and try to make some shit up. Right. But there's a lot of shit in here. Yeah, because you got like a real thing. Right. It's a real condition. Right. So I'm real condition. Right.

So I'm sure you have real stories where this has been a fucking problem. Right. Well, I tried to steer away. I tried to involve it but not really involve it because I wanted you other material. Right. Lane, nobody wants to hear your other material. Right. Fine.

You're the wet hands comedian. All right. You killed with it two weeks ago. Well, you don't have to talk about that. But I'm just talking about it. I think you do have to talk about that. There's no right or wrong way. I'm just saying.

I think that whatever you're talking about, it's going to sound corny. Right, right. Yeah, so you need to work on that part of it. I just think you need to examine the moments of things more. You're trying to find some exterior funny and get physical. How you really feel about something

is probably the funniest and the most relatable to other people who've been in a situation. Look at this guy right here. You think he hasn't fucked a few 17-year-olds before? I don't know who he is, but he's creeping me the fuck out. I see you coming on the girl, then finding on her face, and then finding out that she's 17,

and then you grabbing some toilet paper. And cleaning it off. Like licking your lip like a little baby. Like, oh, let me clean this up. Trying to get all his DNA and evidence off of our 17-year-old face. Wow. Jesus. You're going to jail.

Let's talk about this wet hands thing some more. Do you ever feel bad when you're doing something like stand-up comedy and you have a microphone in your hand and it's soaking wet and other people have to touch that after you? Yeah, someone's going to get shocked after I go up. See, you son of a bitch. You just can't help touch that after you? Yeah, someone's going to get shocked after I go up. See, you son of a bitch. You just can't help yourself, can you? You're trying too hard, Lane.

It's all right in front of you. Well, I think what Ian is saying is very important. I don't know if you even heard that. He doesn't. But what I'm just saying is, like, you know, I find that you're trying to be funny. I get that these things you're saying, like when you said the 17-year-old and she's a gargoyle, you think that those buzzwords and those sections in the joke are going to make people go, ha, ha.

But it's really about, like, even if you're telling a lie, I don't know who you were in that story or how it affected you. And you can do those things, but you still have to come back to how you felt in the moment. You know what I'm saying? Don't step on the gas and go for these things. Don't take these lunges and shit, you know? How's your knees, by the way? You dropped hard. Jesus.

Yeah. I wore some. And when you drop on your knees like that, like, don't think the audience didn't hear that and it won't take away from the punchline that you're trying to get. There's people like, I wanted to laugh, but damn, how's his knees? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man.

So what do you do for work, Lane? How do you make money? I hustle, man, every single day. I'm on TV. I try to do my thing. What do you do on TV? I was just on True Detective last week. Really? Dead Body number two. Rachel McAdams.

Yeah, well no, Rachel McAdams. She kind of saves me a little bit. Really? You were on True Detective? True Detective. Jesus. You're making it in show business with wet hands? Yeah. Now I feel like a real idiot. I want to be on True Detective

and I have perfectly normal, healthy hands. Can you imagine if you tried to sell acid for a couple weeks? Like every time you would take the acid out. I'm just thinking about... That's funny. He can never use Alka-Seltzer because every time he puts in there...

Right. And he's probably the only guy... So you're saying you're an actor. Was I on a Samsung commercial with you, Super Bowl, like four years ago? That never aired. You were riding on the thing. Yeah, I got cut out of that, motherfucker. Yeah, so did I.

So this is interesting to me. So you're an actor. Yes. Hold on. I'm sorry. Why did you all laugh at what he just did? Why did you laugh? Everybody just laughed.

I thought it was because you were like, so did I. The way that he said, so did I. It was like, so did I. But it was honest and it was how you felt at the fucking moment. And I think that's what people think is funny. And it's interesting to me that that means if you're an actor, that means you just need to work on, like, you know, your material, I guess, because you know how to perform.

So if you saw yourself doing what you did up here earlier, you might be like, ooh, I'm not going to hire that guy. You know what I mean? So if you're acting, just act, and then, you know, do a performance instead of, like, I'm going to be goofy and wacky. We fall into that a lot. People want you to be real. Take a more hands-on approach to...

Well played, Tony. There it is. That's my favorite sound. Well, Lane, there you go. Lane, thank you guys. Well, Lane, you know, there you go. Lane, thank you guys. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Pat. Lane, if they ever make a Home Alone 3, you could play the burglar.

Really? You guys know what I'm talking about? You guys know what I'm talking about? Daniel Stern. Speaking of Home Alone, that's where Pat's going to be next Monday during Kill Tony 105. Lane Smith Jr., everybody. There he goes.

There he goes. I love you, Modern Family. Oh, my God. He's on Twitter at Lane Smith Jr. Oh, so fun. Look at the mic. The mic is...

Oh, Josh Martin, everybody. There he is. He's periscoping it. And Kim was periscoping Josh periscoping. Wow. Wow. That's how it happens. There he goes, Josh Martin.

This looks like a new name. I'm pretty excited about this. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Jamie Monteiro. Jamie Monteiro, maybe? Monteiro. Any Jamie? You know what that means. That's a waitress. Nobody? Nope. Okay. That means she just got blacklisted.

Pat, make some noises. Oh! Yep. That's what it sounds like. I think someone's coming. Is there a Jamie coming? Is that Jamie Montiro? Nope.

Huh? No. Nope. Okay. Well, say something, motherfucker. We're like... I pulled another name out of the bucket. This name is Aaron Darling, everybody.

Here we go. Yeah, Aaron. Aaron. Do I touch it or do I not? Pervert. Gross. Hey, guys, what's up? My friend invited me to Star Wars Day at Dodger Stadium.

I said, what the shit is that? Do they start with innings four, five, and six and pretend like the first three never happened? That would be awesome. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I quit my job in the same day but I had a speech to help me through both situations and I brought it

to read you guys tonight sorry but I had to take an opportunity that offered me more money that was it but I had to take an opportunity that offered me more money. That was it, yeah. Let's talk about typography. There's three things I hate in this world. Cancer, rape, and lack of calligraphy.

What killed the calligraphists? Was it the meteor? Was it climate change? Oh, my God. All right, that's loud enough. I mean, my goodness, it's unbelievable. No, no pistol. Aaron Darling, everybody. There we go.

Jesus Red Band. Jesus Red Band. She just told you she hates rape. I love it that you did a Star Wars joke while wearing a Star Wars shirt. On Star Wars Day. On Star Wars Day. On Star Wars Day. That's what I'm here for. That's right. Can I begin?

I would say my biggest problem with you right now is that you're nervous, and you didn't sell anything that you said up there. And it actually was funny. I loved that Star Wars joke. Immediately I was like ah yeah that was good but you were so meek and I get it the situation is kind of fucked up and you know what I mean we had the wet hands guy

pervert this guy has no dignity or respect left in his body so I get how you were like oh my this situation what's going to happen but you know sometimes you got to think of this as like if you went to an audition and like now you have to this is your chance you know you know that's not how you were like, oh, this situation, what's going to happen? But sometimes you've got to think of this as like, if you went to an audition and now you have to, this is your chance. That's not how you would

want to perform. But everything else, I just think, I don't even know how you would perform because you didn't really give it your, you didn't give it the gusto. But I thought the jokes were funny. You know what I mean? How long have you been doing stand-up? Between two, three years.

Two, three years. Here in LA? Uh-huh, and on the road, yeah. Oh, yeah. Been going on the road. Where do you mostly, like, how often do you go on stage? Almost every day. Oh, interesting. For two or three years. What did you do before that? I was a host. Well, I still do that now, too, yeah.

Nice. What kind of hosting? Nerd shit. I talk about movies and video, I still do that now, too, yeah. Nice. What kind of hosting? Nerd shit. I talk about movies and video games and things like that. Yeah. Is that easier for you than stand-up? I mean, yeah. I guess I've been doing it for way longer, so. Right.

Right. Do you talk about that stuff in your stand-up, those types of things? Yeah, a lot. Right. And other stuff, too, obviously, but yeah. Did you really just break up with your boyfriend? Yeah. Yeah, I did. That's true. Oh yeah, I think I heard of you.

Oh, okay. I think I know who your boyfriend is. Oh, really? Oh, it was. I'm not going to mention it. Thank you for that. Why would you do that? I want to know now. I mean, I can still tell you privately. But that's good for the podcast.

She was talking shit about you, dude. I know, I know, I know. It was Lane Smith Jr. She actually goes to Fairfax High School, and they met at a bar. Callback. Oh, they met on Tinder. I think Eric's right about committing. You know, if you're going to do it, do it.

You know, you walked all the way down there. Your name is in the bucket. You know, they pulled it out. Some people ain't going to get on. Yeah, why waste the 60 seconds? Yeah, might as well go for it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Another thing is that when you pulled out the note, I think, you know, that whole process of pulling out a note and folding it, to me, I think it would be better if you just said, you know, I wrote something the other day, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Instead of doing the whole act out of reading a piece of paper. I don't know. What do you guys think about the whole note thing? It depends.

It's probably, is that like a close of the note that you normally do on the road when you have more time? Or where do you put it? It's usually kind of in the middle of everything I do, yeah. See, again, this just all goes back to the commitment of the whole thing. That wouldn't even be an issue because even pulling the note out of your pocket could have been funny, just the anticipation of everything. You just didn't sell this right now.

It's just a set. That's all it is. That's all it is. And then if you're saying you're someone that lives in a nerd world, I'm sure that you're like a unicorn in the nerd world. There's dudes that are going to be, every time they watch Star Wars now, are going to get a hard-on.

You know what I mean? And those people that are that big of nerds got hard-ons watching Star Wars anyway. Right. This is like, oh my God. Namely me. But anyway, I'm just saying, so you got to just commit.

Because everything, any note we give you, it doesn't matter because you didn't really, and'm just saying, so you got to just commit because everything, any note we give you, it doesn't matter because you didn't really, you know, and that just goes to everybody else really you were telling, you know.

If you're going to come up here, come up here and fucking do it. What other nerd stuff are you into? I like how you're like. A lot of nerdy movies. That is the dirtiest, clean question

I've ever heard in my life. Like what? What's your favorite movies of the year or anything? Of the year? Sure. Of all time, anything anything anything to get an answer oh my god um i love well empire strikes back obviously huge fan of tarantino i like pulp fiction uh i like old school shit too like whisper balls and singing in the rain um what's your favorite porn i don't think i have one like genre you just like anything porn genre like have a favorite porn? Porn genre.

Like what do you turn to when you're... I don't know. Star Wars? Is that a thing? Parody porn? You know, you can tell him to go fuck himself if you want. You know that? You don't have to put up with that shit.

Are you a squirter? Oh my God. You don't have to answer that. I mean, I would like to know, but you really don't have to answer that I mean I would like to know but you really don't have to answer that you know what I'm saying you really don't as you know good call now you're a Star Wars fan right

you would for the Jedi's or the dark side definitely the Jedi's of course alright well boring those losers Luke Skywalker was nothing but a bitch Definitely the Jedis, of course. All right, well. Boring! Those losers. Luke Skywalker was nothing but a bitch. All right, the whole time. No, Dad, no!

The whole fucking time. Every fucking movie, just crying. You know what I don't get? No! Why would you call it the dark side? Why would you call it that? Why would you admit that you're evil? People that are evil don't go, we're evil.

You know what I mean? Is there a nerd answer to that, why they called it the dark side? No, there's not. I don't know. George Lucas thought of it. Oh, that's why. That's why. I have a question, Star Wars question for you.

Okay. I can't guarantee I can answer it, but go for it. How come Darth Vader, he throws the Emperor over the side in Return of the Jedi. At that point, he was in charge. Why didn't he just get on his comm and go, all right, pull back. The war's over. He was in bad shape. Why did everybody in the Death Star have to die?

Dramatic effect. That's a great question. That's a really great question, actually. There's some other nerds in here too Who thought of that shit Why the fuck He could have ended the whole conflict Luke could have called everybody and said

Okay pull back my dad's with us now He could have went like alright Death Star I don't know anyway thank you Let's give it up for Eric you gotta stop doing that shit. You do not do that. Jesus fucking... No, no, don't rationalize.

No. That's not how it works, Eric. You son of a bitch. Bitch. He always tries to do this shit. All right, everybody, our next comedian. It's like, Jesus Christ, relax. He's eager.

I love it. You hate Aaron Darling that much. You're like, Jesus Christ, relax. He's eager. I love it. You hate Aaron Darling that much. You're like, goodbye, anyway. So, Aaron, do you have an answer for that at all? No, I don't. That's a great question. I wish I had an answer for that. So for Tony's ego, we had to ask one more question.

What are you doing right now? What are you doing? Wait, wait. Is this your resentment of not starting your own podcast, Eric Griffin? You're depending on the television thing? No, because I'm busy acting and going on the road doing stand-up. Right, right, right. Yeah, I do that

too. Anyway, Aaron Darling, everybody. There she goes. There she goes. It was a good moment just to be like, let's move on. You son of a bitch. It's just a power thing. You understand. It's hilarious. I love this guy.

He's an awesome, awesome dude. He helps out with the show as well. Put your hands together for the great David Deary. Very funny rising. That's a weird spelling. Rising comedian. All right. I just came back from London recently.

Have you guys been to London? Don't worry, it's a shithole. They speak English over there, but the words are the same, but the meaning is totally different, you know? Like, they call cigarettes fags. Did you know? Like, they call cigarettes fags. Did you guys know that? They call cigarettes fags. Imagine a British guy in West Hollywood.

Like, pardon me, chap. You know where I can find me a pack of fags? Like, whoa, buddy, whoa. A pack? Wow. Very ambitious, sir. I don't know. Check one of these bars.

Probably everywhere. The word fanny, you know the word fanny we call it a butt, like a polite word for butt probably a British person the word fanny in London you guys know fanny? it means vagina and it's a rude word

like hey, come here, let me see that fanny that's crazy I wish someone would have told me that because I was there visiting a friend. She just had a baby girl. She was changing the diaper and I tried to play cute uncle. I was like, oh, look at that little fanny.

Look at that baby fanny. You got your mommy's fanny. Fuck yeah. David Deary killing everybody. Bringing the thunder. It happened. There was a little cat there. What? There was the cat.

David, you... Oh, I heard it, yeah. Great stuff. Thanks, man. I didn't hear the cat. I was enjoying that. That just lets me know I was enjoying it. I didn't hear the cat.

I didn't hear the bear. Well, after how we saw you try to rush off Aaron Darling, Eric... Oh, shut up. We know you hate pussy, so of course you didn't hear the cat. Can I... Really? You oh shut up in the middle of my line, you son of a bitch. You just couldn't take it, could you, Eric?

You knew it was coming. Can I just disagree with both of you on his set? Really? You hated it. I mean, like, English words are the same, but they mean different. It's like one of the oldest comedy things like like if you if you YouTube that fag joke you will

see that joke like people do that joke so I hope that's not like a bitch you depend on like you gotta it is it's my whole hour I do an hour that's Ian Ian Ian, Ian Like you're one of my favorite comics

Please, please David's begging for mercy right now What you just said Is more original than everything you just did In your set I'm telling you I'm telling you That fag thing

That's not going to get you anywhere The crowd laughs Because they never heard it before But I'm just telling you I've heard that before Okay I actually was going to get you anywhere. The crowd laughs because they never heard it before, but I'm just telling you I've heard that before. Okay. I actually was going to say the same thing. You know, you're touching on, you know, it's like doing,

that would be like doing a joke about, you know, the side effects to medication, you know. There's certain things you just don't do anymore because that's like some hacky-ass shit, you know. Well, let me just finish one thing. But I'll just say there was a moment there that you made it your own, just one line about the packs.

So you could have just got to that. You didn't make it original of saying like, hey, because you could even get to say, you know how they call it, cigarettes, fags. But to be in West Hollywood, I mean, all that stuff is just like, if you put a hundred comics, if you put everybody in this room and said all right i need you to write a joke about that they call fags cigarettes and then i guarantee you that everybody would come up with a similar thing and you don't want that right right you don't want that you know

so i think that's one thing if i could in my own defense i think the one thing i struggle with is trying to find like an, an original idea. You know what I mean? Well, that's why you start with you. When you said, like, look at things deeper, like, that's one reason why I come to the podcast, because it's like to see a guy like you who I, like, admire, and then, like, yeah, I got to, like. Don't make me feel bad. Damn, Ian.

God damn it. That's why you don't meet your heroes. They turn out to be assholes. Another thing, David, is throughout your set, you kept asking the questions like, hey, did you guys know that? Did you know this? And you could just tell them. Right.

Like I came from London. Yeah, yeah. Right. You don't need to ask if they've ever been there, this or that. But that's what I struggle with, trying to find just the deeper. How long have you been doing it? Like five years. I mean, like, just the deeper. How long have you been doing it? Like five years. I mean, it takes time.

Yeah. You'll find it, but it's just good to know. But when you said that, I was literally in the back thinking, like, man, I really wish I could talk about religion. What do you want to talk about? Why can't you talk about religion? Well, I could, but it's just harder work, you know. It's a lot more. I don't get that much time on stage.

I don't get that. You don't need a lot of time on stage to talk about something that you're passionate about. Your problem is, and this is all our problems, we want the laughter. Once you stop worrying about that, that's when you're really going to grow. You know what

the problem is with comics? We don't garage band our shit. A band, they practice in the garage hours before they get on for weeks, months, whatever. If you don't have enough time, you work on your shit offstage way more, and you get your shit together offstage, and then when you get onstage, you'll have time. You'll feel like you have more time. You got to be more efficient with your time. It ain't about

getting on stage. It's what you do off stage. And you've got to search through your things. I started writing on my own. But do you laugh at it? I don't know. I can't tell. Okay, wait, wait, wait. If you don't laugh at it, why the fuck would we laugh at it? I'm not saying that. I'm just saying.

That's some Eric shit. And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. I'm saying if you don't think it's funny, if you're not going to laugh at your own jokes, then, you know, I'm not saying you do it on stage, but it's like if I say something that I think is funny, I will laugh to myself. You know? I'll laugh to myself, and people might tease me about that.

Yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is if you're saying, like, did you really laugh at that fag joke? Or did you say, I wonder if the crowd will think this is funny? Like, if you were sitting in the crowd watching yourself, what would you say about that joke? Like, or what would you say about that performance? So I'm saying there's nothing wrong with finding something that you're passionate about or even if it's an odd observation about something in your day. And you tell us what you find funny about it. That's what we're supposed to be doing here.

You should definitely talk about the things that you love. Clearly, for example, you're a mad scientist. So, you know, a day in the lab for you. All of a sudden, there are things... You're also a truck driver. Where's your brother Mario? He has a meth lab. That's what it is.

It's a meth lab in the back of a truck. No matter what, you definitely have a look that says, I work with beakers. What do you do? Well, I work in a pizza shop right now, but I do a lot of stuff. Wow. The lowest form of chemistry, pizza shop. Hey, from a fat guy, pizza is some good science right now, all right?

I skateboard. That's probably the thing I've done the longest, skateboard. Okay. Oh, my God. Like, why the fuck? You skateboard? Who would have thought that? Right. No, nobody. That's probably the thing I've done the longest, skateboard. Okay, oh my God. Like, why the fuck? You skateboard? Who would have thought that? Right.

No, nobody. That's the thing you talk about, not fags in West Hollywood. You know what I mean? Right. Like, you know, how long have you been skateboarding for? Like 30 years. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

And you need something to find what you're passionate about? No, it's not. I'm passionate about a lot of things. Like what? I like to cook, cooking. No, what? You can be passionate about it. Wait, what is this?

A first date? I know. It's time to tell. I like cooking. I like long walks on the beach. But what I'm saying is like. I love my family. Everything you're saying is such an odd thing for you to say the way you look.

Yeah, you don't look like those things. You don't look like any of these things. So it's funny. And that's what you look. Yeah, you don't look like those things. You don't look like any of these things. So it's funny. And that's what you play off of. You don't look like those things, so it's funny. Like, what do you think people think when they see you on a skateboard? Hipster. No, he stole it from a kid.

That he just molested. That's exactly it. It's his getaway skateboard. Oh, mustache guy molesting people isn't hacky. Come on, guys. Hey, nobody. There you go. David, David, you could shave your mustache and you'd still look like a molester.

We didn't say anything about the mustache. But I want to point out. You assumed it was the mustache. It's everything around it, too. But we're just saying. Including a little bit of little boy semen on your forehead still. We're just saying this right now. We're just saying this right now.

I didn't go home and write it, put my name in a bucket, and come up and do it on stage. Right, right. I got too real. Just look deeper, man. That's all. Yeah, thanks, man.

Yeah, you're good. I will. I will look deeper. I mean, it's definitely something I think about. You know what I mean? I didn't think you would call my shit hacky, but that kind of hurts, but whatever. I mean...

Well, sometimes it's good to hurt, David. Sometimes it's good. It's going to get you back to the fucking laboratory. No, I don't hate you at all. I just, listen. Wow, that again, you bitch. That's the best. That's the best hurt you'll ever experience.

There was some good for you hurt. Don't worry about it. You're all right. There you go. Yeah. One last thing. When we say look deeper it doesn't have to mean like what's the meaning of life deep. No. That's not it. Just pass the obvious. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because like everyone else

right when you said the pack of fag thing I immediately go oh not this. Come on. Everyone says even you read that? Oh shit. I said no. Why didn't you speak up earlier? I thought it was by myself. No. No. I said no, not this. Why didn't you speak up earlier? I thought it was by myself. 100%, the second you said that, the cigarette thing,

that's so old. When he said fags, I checked out. When he said pack of fags, like Eric said, I'm like, whoa, I'm back. He's got a new take on it, which, by the way, that's the only way you can handle a hacky topic. Like there's, you know, there's a couple times in a long, long, long, long, long set that I do that at some point I might mention an airplane.

And it doesn't automatically make it hacky if the thing that's coming is a completely different take on it. You know what I mean? And there's sort of something there. But if you're going to go off on the pack of it then there's something else there but if not then take the meat out of it and put it somewhere else in a different bit or or even like like or even with with the fanny part it you could have made it like more real like then it's like that could have really happened like even if it's something that people have talked about, you could have been retelling a story of like, I didn't know Fanny was a vagina and whatever you said.

But the way you delivered it, it was just like, you know, blah, blah, blah. It was very set up punch, set up punch that we've heard a million times. So that's why it's just working on it. You'll get there. Talk about the things that you know, skateboardateboarding, cooking, whatever it is. How old are you? 42. Wow. Don't say it like that. You look 55.

That's pretty impressive, David. How many people look older? Why do you think you look older than 42? Do I look older? You have a much younger spirit. If he shaved his mustache, he would look like 32. spirit. Oh, Jesus Christ. You're going to give him a complex. If he shaved his mustache, he would look like 32. Yeah. A little just for men.

Get rid of the grays. Do I look older, Pat? No, I thought you were younger when I met you. And I know you. Fuck you guys, man. We can still insult you from over there. You didn't make it that far away. Fun times, David.

We did it again. David Deary. There he goes. He's on Twitter at MFDavidDeary. Aaron Darling is on Twitter at AaronADarling. I don't know if I mentioned that. AaronADarling and MFDavidDeary, D-E-E-R-Y. A lot of Ds.

Yeah, definitely a lot of D's. And I'd also, if I had to judge that set, I'd give it a D. So there he goes. There's one more D for me. They're too hard on you, David. Don't listen to them. I liked it. David's fine.

It was about the D's. David's fine. He's funny, though. You were funny. We didn't say that. You're funny. Yeah. There you go.

Hopefully he's not writing a hacky suicide letter right now. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is John Mitchell, everybody. Whoa, Jesus. Oh, shit. Whoa. Whoa. God damn, that feels good.

So excited. I can hear my roommate fucking. Does anybody else have roommates they can hear fucking? Yeah, it's annoying, right? It's annoying. The other night I was so pissed off, I just knocked on the door. Hey! Hey!

Could you make a little more noise in there? I'm trying to jerk off. Thank you. Single guy. That pretty much sums up my life. Single guy. Single guys, do you ever masturbate thinking about a woman so much that when you finally have a chance to have sex with her, you're over it? I'm just like, eh, no thanks.

Been there, done that. What? No, you weren't there, but trust me, you were loving it. I got bad tattoos. Trust me, guys, if you're going to get a tattoo in your second language, take it from me. Always consult with a native speaker Don't just trust the Google translator I got a tattoo on my back that reads

La vida es pera La vida es pera Life is bitch Life is bitch What happened to the A in that sentence guys? That's the Google translator Life really is a bitch when it's spelled incorrectly on you permanently Alright, thank you.

John Mitchell. Fuck yeah. I think we've done well over a hundred episodes of this show and I'm pretty sure you're the first guy to ever come out from underneath the table and shoot up on stage. That was very impressive, John. I don't know where you came from.

How you doing, man? I'm good. I'm a little disappointed. Those jokes usually hit, but whatever. Where do they usually hit at? Is this like your jerk-off thing where you're imagining it, and you've already been there, and you've already done it, just like in your joke, and then you come here, and you don't really want to do it that much anymore? Do you perform in front of a...

In front of my roommates. Oh, really? How many roommates do you have? Two. No, seriously. It does work, though. How long have you been doing it? A year.

A year. Where at? Alternative clubs, go to the Ice House. Here in L.A., though? Uh-huh, here in L.A. Where are you from? Portland. How long have you been in L.A.?

Three years. What made you want to start stand-up comedy? I wrote a screenplay. Wrote a comedy screenplay. And I just wanted to... So you wrote a comedy screenplay. That didn't work. Didn't work.

And you're like, I'm going to try the hardest art form in the world now. Maybe that'll... I love it so much, though. Right. It's addictive, right? I like his enthusiasm and his energy. He heard his name. He jumped up on stage.

This guy's not afraid. Absolutely. You're like, you know what you're like? Your jokes, you just have to keep writing those jokes. Yeah. And find, you're trying to do the surprise thing, especially on the first one, and twist it. Yeah. But it might not be the right twist, especially for the way you performed it, for the direction.

It doesn't match the direction you went on the first one. And then the second joke was about you have a jerk off and masturbate to a girl so much when you actually have a chance to have sex with her, you're over it. Which is a true feeling. Yeah. You know, which is a true feeling, but you still don't have a punchline to it.

You just thought you had a punchline to it. So you have to find a punchline to that. You just got to spend more time writing on the same material that you did here tonight. And sometimes if you perform that and it's worked, it didn't work because of the words. It worked because of something you might have been doing on stage or how you performed it. I mean, performance is important. Some people are wordsmiths. And how they say a sentence has to be a particular particular way and that's going to get a laugh.

You know, you're such an energetic guy. I don't know if that's going to be your thing, but it could be. But you probably think it is. You know, you probably think you're smarter than you really are. No, no, I'm learning that I'm far dumber. I mean, I'm just saying on stage. I mean, we all, I mean, a lot of us think that, you know. But, you know, you, because you just, even how you said that was brilliant said that was brilliant to them is like, yeah, but you didn't perform it funny.

That's what people would say back to you. So you've got to remember that there's a balance. What do you do for work? I'm a waiter. Where at? Al Gelato on Robertson. Come see me. I've got good ice creams.

You're a waiter at an ice cream place? Well, we've got ice cream. We've got desserts. We've got fucking – it's a half ice cream shop. I work at a goddamn ice cream shop. Yeah, there you go. That's the answer I was looking for. Absolutely. We have food, too, though.

You see? He put a little extra on that. Yeah. I work at a restaurant. What restaurant? Haagen-Dazs. He's a maitre d' at Haagen-Dazs. I'm one paper hat away from being an In-N-Out burger. There you go. Oh, you don't have to wear the paper hat there? No.

I thought that was just like a rule at ice cream places. Yeah, it's like an old pharmacy. You know what I mean? So you get a Beverly Hills ice cream place. Robertson's a nice street. So you're getting a lot of fat rich people in there, right? Yes, definitely. What's that like?

What do you notice? What do they get? They get a lot of carbs. You know what I mean? Well, that's ice cream. A lot of breads, a lot of lasagnas, a lot of pastas. Oh, you have lasagna? Yeah, no, we got food.

Who goes to a place with the word gelato in it to get lasagna? It's the Persians. They think it means food. Right. It's hilarious. Yeah, that answer ready to go. Can you make the lasagna? You make lasagna.

You bring it out to my car. Fuck you. I want the ice cream and the lasagna. What's your second language? Spanish. Spanish. Well, that doesn't help you working in Beverly Hills.

Nope. Right. So what else? What else, John? He's only been doing it a year. We don't even know what type of comic you're going to be. You might be a physical comic. You might be cerebral. You could go any ways.

Just at least keep writing. Experiment. And when you finally put your sweatshirt inside out correctly, things can really take off for you. TJ Maxx. Right, TJ Minimum. Maxx. TJ Maxx.

All right, John. He's quick. He's quick. Wait, what? What was that? You're damn right nothing, you scared little fucking bitch. John Mitchell, everybody. There you go.

J. Mitchell 5000. Fun times. You got it, man. It's on Twitter at jmitchell5000. That's right. Put your hands together for Rob and Ryan. So my day job, I'm an elementary school special ed teacher. And at Christmas time, one of my students came up to me and she said,

do you have a Christmas tree? And I said, I don't have a Christmas tree. And this eight-year-old girl looks at me and she goes, I know why you don't have a Christmas tree. And I was like, please, tell me why I don't have a Christmas tree. And she goes, it's because you're lonely. I was like, I'm alone, not lonely. There's a difference. And she goes, what's the difference? And I look at this sweet little girl and I say, the difference between being lonely and being alone is the amount of time you spend crying in your car.

Thanks, guys. Get it now! Hilarious. You have another 20 seconds that you want to do just for the hell of it? That same little girl, she came up to me one day and she was like, I have to tell you something. And I was like, okay. And she was like, you have to tell you something. And I was like, okay. And she was like, you're not going to like it.

I was like, give me a try. What do you have to tell me? And she goes, you look like you belong in Hollywood. And I was like, that's a compliment. Thank you, honey. And she goes, no. Like on the streets? Well, I would say you got a nice speaking voice.

Yeah. And it's very like you wrap people in right away, you know. And even if that joke could be constructed better, I'm very interested to hear what you're going to say next. And, like, even if I was about to be uncomfortable, like, I thought, like, oh, is this little girl going to make a fat joke? Or is this little girl going to say something to you that's, like, really mean? But you even delivered it in a way that I was like, oh, okay. Like, I'm on board with that. And so that's a very nice.

Yeah. I like that. That little kid is mean as shit. Yeah, that little kid. Yeah. You failed her, right? Yeah. Tomorrow was her last day in my class.

She got moved to a different school. Oh, shit. I'm actually super excited. You let her escape. So what's... Put her in a gingerbread house. What type of respecting person are you?

You failed that little motherfucker. Yeah, you have an extremely strong weapon in your smooth self-deprecation. You're like the nurse that gives the shot and you didn't feel it

and you like giggle afterwards like, really? It's done? Thank you. Because you ease it right in didn't feel it and you like giggle afterwards. Like, really? It's done? Thank you. Because you ease it right in there. But it wasn't like really – it's not the kind of self-deprecation too that's going to make people groan. Right.

That kind of thing. It's kind of just kind of like immediately I hated that little kid. Right. And I think that's great. That's a gift. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. So I like that.

So you just need to work on how you really get a little more feeling in there about, like, you know, this little kid, you know? How long have you been working with special ed kids? And it's a special ed kid. Ah! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You made the special ed kid the villain. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Good for you. You don't even know how awful they are. That's why I never liked him. I never liked him. Man, you really threw that kid under the short bus.

Boom. Tony, everybody, come on! I'll just do it myself, motherfuckers. This is my 10th year teaching. What's that? I've been teaching for 10 years. We're finally spreading those thoughts. I've been teaching for 10 years.

Teaching for 10 years. Has it all been special ed? Let me ask you something about special ed. Do you try to be a real teacher and you flunk out? But you can do special ed if you want. Is it like that? No. Really? Everybody got serious.

Whoa, that's a mean question. Totally forgot it was a comedy show for a second. I was teaching in Georgia and my principal was taking me on a tour of the school. Do they have any non-special ed schools in Georgia? It's just, you know, one out of three classes. You don't even have to say special ed in Georgia.

We just call it school. And she goes, this is your class. Oh, by the way, you have special ed. You have a special ed teacher with you. And then the following year, I moved back to California and I went to the district that I grew up in and they were like, we don't have any gen ed positions, but we have a ton

of special ed positions. And I was like, I'll go have any gen ed positions, but we have a ton of special ed positions. And I was like, I'll go to school for that. So, yeah. What made you want to do this? I'm sorry. I just want to wonder what made you want to do comedy. To do comedy? I just needed an outlet.

Yeah. Word. That makes sense. It's a hard deal. To not murder special ed kids. You don't even know. There are some days, like when they've thrown a desk at me, that I just want to smack them, and I'm not allowed to. Well, you could probably smack them.

I mean, they're wearing helmets, so who gives a fuck, right? No, mine aren't that level of special ed. They're not that special. Mildly special ed. You've obviously mastered keeping your emotions in check. Yeah, yeah. I'm really good at that. Yeah, I can tell because even in your set,

you could have expressed some real anger or anything like that, but you were just pleasant the whole time. What is anger going to do, Eric? Really? The way you went off on? No, no, no. I'm not even talking.

No, but I'm saying that's just a one. But I'm saying she kept, I'm saying I like that she kept that in check. I mean, sometimes people, like, I've talked about things where you can tell I'm angry about it, and that's the funny of how I'm talking about it. You know, and I'm saying the funny of how she was talking about this is the fact that you were talking about a horrible kid, but you kept your emotions in check, and then it made the story flow. I think it would be tough for her to be – I'm not saying for her to do that.

In this. I mean, she made the right natural choice. Do you think it's more rewarding than teaching – what would we call them, normal kids? Gen ed class. What's that? What was that word? Gen ed. General ed.

You make it sound like prison, though, like gen pop. You know what I mean? Gen ed class. What's that? What was that word? Gen ed. General ed. You make it sound like prison though, like gen pop. You know what I mean? Gen ed. I've never taught a gen ed class. So I don't know. I did. This is my first year. I have 13 students that are mine all day. And before that, I've always done

an RSP room. So the kids come to me for 30 to 40 minutes a day, like four days a week. So you've never taught a general education class. So like you've never basically ever said a line or asked a question and not heard the word dirt right afterwards, huh? Really? Nothing on that? Okay. You guys really love me. I went stupid instead of smart. I think what's interesting about that is that

You did it Where'd that seal come from? Where you did it is like how somebody might do the joke And then that's the response you would get Where it's kind of like oh man And the way you talk about it You're just kind of like oh wow It's different it's interesting

I don't ever get a response that's the whole thing I'm like okay guys what's today And I'm like like today's tuesday what's today and they're just like wow so you're bombing all day oh man yeah so when you perform in front of a crowd you're like fuck it gen pop audience yeah hell yeah i'm down for this gen pop audience show tonight and that's what's amazing is that with your job you really wouldn't even have to be good at it because what are they really going to learn

anyway you know what I mean I'm actually very good at it says you my kids are reading this year reading? reading the blind kid is reading no I don't have a blind kid.

No blind kid. I have, you know, they're reading. You got something against blind kids? And what? Nothing. I forgot you were here. Do you feel like you're... You're having a bad night, bro.

Oh, my God. I thought you weren't getting a bad night, bro. Oh, my God. I thought you weren't getting a bash that much harder. And then, boom, from the nicest person all night. What did he say? Oh, my God. What did he say? Nicest chick in the room. What did he say?

A hard I forgot you were here. Wow. Is it working, though, when you do this? Whatever you're feeling, is it working though when you do this and whatever you're feeling do you feel better after you do this like yeah yeah so you don't even that's that's interesting like what he's saying what's anger gonna do because i would feel like that this would be the time where you could be like these motherfucking kids you know but you're yeah and you're but you're still getting it out it's still you know and sometimes i'll go to an open mic and just be like you're're not going to believe my fucking day.

And then I'll just, like, talk about my day for a minute. And people are just like, what the hell do you do? Like, you know, as the kid's standing on a chair calling me the N-word. And I'm like, you're Vietnamese and I'm white. You can't say it. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

To be fair, the kid is retarded and doesn't know better. Wow. Look at Ian, that retard advocate over here. I have one kid that, like, he started lifting up his shirt and running around the classroom and just being like, look at me, I'm a sexy fucking bitch. And I'm like, put your shirt down. Nobody wants to see that. Did you say you have one student that's special and Vietnamese?

Is that what you said? I have two Vietnamese kids in my class. Two? Yeah. What are the odds of that? Right? Yeah. That's interesting.

How do you really feel about Vietnamese, Tony? Well, I mean, on a scale from one to ten, I give them a faux. You guys like that one? You're a bunch of fucking hacks. How about that? You're a bunch of fucking hacks how about that you're a bunch of hacks I didn't even like that one I said it and I was embarrassed immediately

and look at all of you brilliant idiots Robin I fucking love you Robin Ryan am I right please come back where do you live right yes Rob and Ryan please come back where do you live

I live in South LA great come back wow and you live in South LA I do Jesus Christ I do

come back hang around the comedy store more you have a real knack for this and great timing and great delivery come back now let go of that stress yeah

no 28 days 28 days till summer 28 days oh I see yeah I've been counting down since 179 and I just want to say 28 days. 28 days. Until summer. 28 days. Oh, I see. Yeah. I've been counting down since 179. And I just want to say.

Wow. You're just naturally funny. Great job. There's 180 days in a school year. Yeah. It's amazing. And I think it's so, so nice that you wear your students' art projects out at night. It's fucking amazing.

You know what, Tony? I'm just going to take it as a compliment. It is. I love you. Robin Ryan, everybody. There she goes. Fuck yeah. Andy Milonakis is funnier than ever, everybody. You know what I love about her the most?

She forgot about him. Oh, yeah. That was amazing. It really was. And then she blocked him out. He reminds her of some of her kids. Eric, don't disrespect those kids like that. Man, we just keep going.

Beating a dead horse. It's only good fun, man, if you can't take it. Pat, how you doing, man? You all right? Doing good, man. I love it. No, he's not. Guys, we've come to the part of the show where our two regulars go up.

Ever since the start of this show, there have been two female comedians, awesome, writing a new and performing a new minute every single week. So basically their entire thing is documented out there on Keltonies. And they write and perform a new one every week, and it's not going to be any different this week. Your first comedian going up. University of Florida dropout. Absolutely awesome. Put your hands together for the great Kimberly Congdon.

Everybody, here she is. Thank you. My mom and dad got divorced young and she got remarried. I fucking hated the guy. I didn't hate him because he was my stepdad. I hated him because I'm not going to respect anyone named Shelby. He'd come in my room like, clean this shit up.

This is a huge mess. And I'm like, oh Jesus, calm down, Shelby. Did we lose our bobby pins? Shelby. You can't even afford a Mustang. He hated being a stepdad. It was weird because it's like, this is no surprise. We've been here. This is like a choose-your-own-adventure, dude. You pick this. He didn't let us talk at dinner time, which was weird. He kept the TV on instead. And it got real awkward when those commercials started coming on

about family time is talk time. Is there more to that? No, not really. Okay, perfect. Well, there you go. That's a brand new minute of good personal to you material. That's got to be rough. Shelby, huh? Yeah.

That's a weird one. Yeah. That is a weird name. That's a guy's name? That's my stepdad's name. Shit. We hated each other. Really?

Bad. Is he still your stepdad? He's still my stepdad. Oh, so you guys get along now? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Bad. Is he still your stepdad? He's still my stepdad. Oh, so you guys get along now? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

Well, until he hears your material. Until tonight. Yeah. How long has he been with your mom? Since I was five. Wow. So that's, yeah, that's an interesting. That's almost real dad territory. Yeah, he's close.

Didn't make it, though. Still shall be. Right. I like I like when you said we hated each other you know what I mean that means there's a lot of shit to tell and if you could that the

Shelby the name part that's like the surface joke that gets you into we hated each other and why and what you did to antagonize him and how you felt. Right. You know, having this, you know, there's a lot there. It's a new minute. So I just want you just to look into all that. Yeah.

And I'll say what I like is, you know, this is about you too, Tony, like doing this. You just came up and it was like okay my turn you grabbed the mic and you just went right into it and it's just like that's like from doing this so much how how do you think that that's helped you like when you're going to do like you know I don't want to say real sets but like longer sets or you're doing shows I mean it's definitely made a difference because when I first used to get up here I feel like I would just say things to fill in the time because I was scared that I didn't have enough things to make people laugh.

And now I just don't. Now I feel like I don't have enough time. Right. Now you're probably, I think, the only person all night that did one topic, one minute on one subject. So that goes to show. I mean, even the guy that has been doing it 11 years

changed direction five or six times or four or five times in 60 seconds. So that's very interesting. Yeah, because it made me feel like I was like, oh, let's hear more about this. We're going, and then it's like, oh, the time's up. So it's like, no, it's good. You're doing great. You don't need us to praise you. Anything crazy happen lately that you just want to talk about since?

Nothing really crazy. You've been in L.A. for how long now? I've been doing Kill Tony and stand-up same night for two years next month. Wow. It's an anniversary show. Look at that. Look at that. So that's coming up.

That's the way that I find out that the two-year anniversary of Kill Tony is coming up next month, everybody. So look out for that. Alright, well, great. We did it again. Another brand new minute from Kimberly Congdon, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Well, she should have two hours.

Two minutes. Right, yeah. Something like that. Your other regular, every single week, new minute, the hilarious fun stylings of the great Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. Here she is. I've been carrying around a backpack.

When you're a girl and you wear a backpack, people ask questions. What are you doing planning for an adventure? Oh, I don't need to get the door for you because you have a backpack. You're a real independent woman, I see. But the only reason I carry a backpack is because I have a healthy amount of teenage angst. I was a roller backpack kid. Yeah. backpack kid.

Yeah. My dad didn't want me to hurt my back by carrying both my pencil case and my social studies book. So he got me a roller backpack. I like to find whoever the fuck invented the roller backpack and shove them in a locker.

Just out of solidarity for all the kids who have been shoved in lockers that have roller backpacks. I rolled up to sixth grade. The teacher just was like, just checking one bag. There it is. Another new minute from Sarah Weinstein.

It's one of those nights where you get to see what writing and performing a brand new minute. I like how weird you are. That's good. No, really, for real. It's like you're wrapped right in. It's like, oh, this is a weird chick. Let's hear about it. Right. And that's exactly what's so cool.

What me and Red Band and obviously the fans of the show know is that what's crazy about the two girls is that they're so different and what's cool is if I had to describe them even before tonight I'd say Kim talks more about is more long form and

talks more about like family and things like that and Sarah talks about goofy like knick knacks and things like that for example a roller bag, roller backpack so tonight's a perfect example of them adding Things like that. For example, a roller bag. Roller backpack. So tonight's a perfect example of them adding at least another minute to a bunch of great stuff. And that guy, the old professor looking guy.

Yeah, David Deary. The guy that looks like he's invented the Back to the Future car. Hanging from a noose in the back of the room right now. Thick ass mustache. Like he was talking about where do I get original or new topics. This is just a little thing she picked up about backpacks, roller backpacks, and just ran with it. I never heard anybody talk about that before. But on top of that, it's just your head leaning to the side. And you have like a character already.

And it's instantly funny to me. Yeah, my head's also leaning to the side. You have like a character already and it's instantly funny to me. My head's also leaning to the side. Wow, jeez. Sometimes my head is askew. I've never seen anybody try to dig themselves out of a hole, but you're digging the wrong direction. You're back in the dirt. Just going deeper into the ground.

No, that's Pat. Ian, as you wrong direction. You're back in the dirt. Just going deeper into the ground. No, that's Pat. That's Pat. Ian has you just set in stone. I don't think you're ever going to save this. Did you know Ian Edwards before tonight? No, man. This is the comedy store. What's it about the comedy store?

Sometimes you're the punching bag. Sometimes you're the boxer and there's a black guy here tonight. Whoa! I like when people still use the term Sometimes you're the punching bag. Sometimes you're the boxer and there's a black guy here tonight. So I guess. Whoa, whoa. Wait. I like when people still use the term black guy for a punchline. And then the crowd just stares at them.

I'm just trying. I know. It's adorable. It's adorable. You could have said brothers. You know, when white guys say that. I love that. So, Sarah, you got another killer minute.

The roller bag. Did you ever ask your dad why he, you're saying it's for health reasons? For the backpack? Oh, yeah, I would say this. Is that the one part that I would, that I think isn't necessary is just saying pencil protector and social studies book. You know, I would just tell the truth and say he didn't want me to carry all those books in the back. You know what I mean? Because one book and one...

Really? You only had one book? Who was your teacher? Robin Ryan? One book joke, guys. Remember the special ed teacher? It was fucking eight minutes ago. What the fuck, man? Jesus fucking Christ.

I get excited. Oh, I have a show that draws a cool crowd. No. No, not that cool. that draws a cool crowd. No. No, not that cool. Sometimes. But you guys are daydreamers. I added that social studies thing last minute, and I wanted to say something, and I didn't say it.

What did you want to say? That the backpack is the only thing, if you add a set of wheels to it, that it's not cool. If you get a set of wheels, you're cool. But not on a backpack. Yeah. Well, except for patting some LA gears. You know what I mean?

Oh, shit. Did you ever get to have a normal backpack? Yeah. Now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. In high school I said I'm not going to take it anymore

Steve my favorite part of the whole thing was when you said that oh I don't need to open the door for her she's got a backpack she's an independent girl and I think it really hit hard with this room because there is sort of that vibe you're really nailing some truth there where it's sort of like

you know there's some people that give off the vibe of you don't theying some truth there where it's sort of like, you know, there's some people that give off the vibe of you don't, they don't want your help. And backpack people do come across that way. So if you want to, you know what I mean? Backpack people? Yeah, exactly. And I do call them that. You people.

You backpack people. A couple of my smartest, most brilliant friends ever were backpack people. And, you know, like Angelo Bowers always had a backpack. Gerard Carmichael usually had a backpack. At least it wasn't a fanny pack. Wow, Eric Griffin. I can't believe you. Oh, wait.

Now I see what you did. That was a callback to. I got you. All right. Pussy pack. Everybody failed at some point tonight. And that's what's beautiful about Kill Tony is that we can all make mistakes

except for Ian Edwards who just crushed the entire time. I'll make them. I mean, I shouldn't have started talking to Pat. Sarah Wine Shank, you did it again. Another new minute. Follow her on Twitter at Princess Shank. Guys, we did it.

Princess Shank. I like that. Episode 100 and something. I'm Phil Toney. See us in San Fran and Sacramento next month. Use streamers and periscopers if you're still listening. Follow Josh Martin Comic. He helps the whole show. Kimberly Congdon, Princess Shank on Twitter. The one and only Pat Reagan is

Patty Reagan, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N on Twitter A very fun addition to the show Great musician, he's funny, give it up for him for earlier Buy his album on iTunes, Pat Reagan smells like shit Get it on Spotify, iTunes Get it everywhere

Skip track 1 on that album Track 1 is fucking terrible Start on track 2 You know what, skip track 3 one on that album. Track one is fucking terrible. Start on track two. Skip track three. Go to track 30. Ian Edwards, anything you want to promote? Anything going on? Ian Edwards

comic, you're an amazing writer. What else? That's it, man. I'll be at the store. I love it. Yeah, that's it. You can always catch all of us at the Comedy Store. We're all pals hanging out. Eric Griffin, E-A-R-I-K. E-R-I-K, at Eric Griffin. That's all I know.

Eric Griffin, catch him on Workaholics. Brian Redband, we did it again. Yeah, hey, by the way, Secret Show Wednesday here in the main room. Sarah Silverman, Joe Rogan, Ralphie May, a bunch of people. It's on sale right now. And for you people that live in different towns, check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'm probably coming to your city. And look out for my new one-hour special coming out soon,

sometime in the next couple months. Look for it. Bye-bye. Thank you. Outro Music We'll call the federal folks a politic, it's legit Back in the day when I was a slave Living life in a vast lane, lacking a part race