KILL TONY - KILL TONY #106

Episode Date: July 21, 2015

Chris D'elia, Neal Brennan, Pat Regan, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 05/25/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all our tour dates, including every Monday at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. We do this, Kill Tony. It's a free show. Starts at 8 p.m. and get your tickets, reserve your free seats because it usually sells out every week now. And that goes for the same with the new Ro battle podcast verbal violence the podcast of the roast battle uh the roast battles every tuesday at the comedy store in the belly room and that is always sold out and packed to the gills so you can get your tickets also at the comedy store.com or just go to death squad.tv and click on tour dates also every friday we are at the Ice House in Pasadena

doing a comedy show. That's where we record the Ice House Chronicles. And then me and Dean Deloray are coming to San Jose with Christian Spicer. And that's July 30th at the San Jose Improv.

Tickets are going fast, so get those tickets. San Jose, July 30th. And last but not least, my birthday show, August 5th, at the Comedy Store in the Main Room. This is a huge show. I'm going to try to get all my friends to do this show with me. had louis ck dane cook chris d'alia brian callan neil brennan mark maron bill burr joe rogan like we've had a doug stanhope it's always a huge show and this one's even going to be bigger it's my birthday show so please come out support my birthday support it whatever august 5th and last but not least don't go forget to check out our merch tony

hinchcliffe you can find him at tonyhinchcliffe.com has all his merch and his tour dates and shop squad.tv for the official merchandise of the death squad universe we got new kitty cat clocks we got some new hats everything is uh there at shop squad.tv all right guys here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road. Famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Volume two. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Everybody to to to. Fuck. Everybody, two, two, two. Fuck yeah. Hi, everyone. Okay. Fuck yeah. It's like a live Monday night in here. How you guys doing? Happy Memorial Day to you.

Shout out to the troops. Right? Is this one of those days? Yeah, I think that's what it's all about, right? Shout out to the troops. Shout out to the troops and the dead troops. That one. Right.

Shout out to the dead. Shout out to the troops and the dead troops. Right. Shout out to the dead troops. There you go. That's how it starts. Fuck yeah, guys. Good to be here. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan, everyone. You just heard his music stylings. Thank you. He is the band leader of Kill Tony,

the one-man band, Patty Reagan. And Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hi, guys. Look, it's Brian. Here to bless us with the goofiest of things. Goofiest of goofies. Shout out to our many, many live followers right now via Ustream. On Ustream backslash death squad.

Ustream.tv backslash death squad. Hi, everybody. Fuck yeah. Feels good in here. This is our artist, everyone. Ryan Ebel. Put your hands together for him. Every week, he draws a picture in the time of the show.

The time elapses during the show. He draws an entire picture of the adventure of tonight. And it's amazing. He's on Twitter and Instagram at Ryan J. Ebelt. That's E-B-E-L-T. And most importantly, our sponsor, everybody, Elyse Lane. Look at her.

She cooks us a new meal every single week. And the guests. And she's a gourmet chef at the top of the game, an official recipe checker, and the executive chef for great comedians like Russell Peters. Damn, does that smell good. It's cold Mediterranean pasta with chicken, arugula, feta, olives, tomatoes,

and red onion. Follow Chef Elise Lane on Twitter, Instagram, and everything else, and buy her cookbook when it comes out in the next couple months. You're going to hear more about that here on Kill Tony. Welcome, everybody. Are you ready to start the show? Always so much

fun. This is the show where comedians talk to comedians about comedy and anything can fucking happen. To be part of that, I always have two of the funniest comedians that I know and around to be part of the show. These guys have both been on the show before and I'm so excited to have them back. Two of my favorites,

two good pals, two guys who I work with almost every night. Put your hands together for Chris D'Elia and Neil Brennan, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Chris D'Elia and Neil Brennan. Fuck yeah. Neil's,

uh, Neil is somewhere. He's here. Look. Nope. Not Neil. It's not fucking him. Fuck yeah. Neil's, uh, Neil is somewhere. He's here, look. Nope, not Neil. Oh, it's not fucking him. Fuck yeah. But Chris D'Elia's here, everybody. Hey, guys. How about that? Yeah. Been on this show before. That's right. He's had a lot of fun. Oh, fucking there's Neil.

Neil Brennan, everybody. Here he is. Live, in the flesh. Super. Super cool. Late. Well, no, not late, but just like, oh, shit, they call my name. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

Hi. Hi. Welcome back to the show. Thanks, bro, bro. Have you done it before? Mm hmm. All right, cool. We're going to have fun.

Over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do. Oh, really? One minute of stage time uninterrupted. And then we talked to them about any... Well, we don't have to go through all. Because we talk to them afterwards. Anyway.

So, welcome back. Every week I have Pat Reagan, the band leader, ask the comedians a question instead of me asking them. Because I already know so much about my guests that I find it interesting to find out what Pat wants to know. So, Pat, go ahead. All right.

Chris. Hi, Chris. Hey, what's up, dude? Not much. What's, like, your craziest fan interaction experience? Oh, man. There must be tons. Yeah, there's, like, stalker stuff, but, like... Have you had, there's like stalker stuff

but like have you had like legit stalker stuff I had yeah well I've had like people tweet like yo I'm coming for you at the

comedy store tonight you know what I mean yeah and like I don't want to give them like say who they are but like it was John Caparulo

no but it was at least with the internet, you know who's going to fucking kill you. You know what I mean? Like, they'll tell you ahead of time. Yeah, it was... Did anyone come? Nah, they don't show up.

If you're going to kill someone, you don't talk about it, you know? You just kind of fucking do it. Did they contact you after that? Yeah. They'll be like, sorry, I missed you. I got late.

I was late to my, you know, spin class or whatever. Do you ever respond to that tweet in any way? No, no. I feel like early on I would, and I've definitely learned my lesson. Right. It just makes you have more stalkers. Yeah. Oh, yeah, bro.

Fuck you. You can't fucking stalk me. What's your question for Neil Brennan? All right, Neil, here's my question. If you had to pick any addiction that you could be addicted to, what would it be and why? I guess crack. Because it seems like people get really into it. You know what I mean?

It must be the best. Because people get fucking... They steal shit from their mom. That's a good drug. What about heroin? It's too sleepy. Good question, though. Thank you. Good question. Great answer. I like it.

Good job this week. Pat Reagan with some redemption. A lot of people have been critiquing him over the last few weeks he's starting new got a new colorful guitar and he's on the money so far pat reagan it's like you just got back from like one of those schools that teach you where to put the silverware and stuff like that you seem very nice today that and like maybe like an ayahuasca trip to peru or something like that you seem pretty like dialed in right now well you know i I can't. I've made a mistake of trying to make fun of the comedians, but you guys have so many years on me

that I'm just going to get obliterated. And I don't like getting obliterated, so I'm going to try to take a different approach. So honest. I love that. Speaking of ayahuasca, I was going to do ayahuasca recently with a comedy store regular. Try to guess who it was.

Duncan Trussell. No. Joe Rogan. Nope. Joey Diaz. Nope. Ari Shaffir. Whitney Cummings.

Come on. I swear to God. Yeah. She had like a whole, we had a plan and everything. That makes sense. Yeah, we fell out. Anyway, good night, everybody. Back to the heroin.

Guys, over 30 comedians signed up for the chance to do One Minute tonight. They get 60 seconds. Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You don't do the Iron Man thing anymore, Tom? No. Oh, yeah.

I remember that. Thank you. He's still in movies now. You don't do the Iron Man thing anymore, Tom? No. Oh, yeah. I remember that. He went Hollywood on us. He's still in movies now. Yeah. When you hear that cat, wrap it up. If you keep going, you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. There it is. I know.

It's aggressive. So don't run your time, guys. That's the point. Are you ready? Yeah! A special Memorial Day edition. Not really that different. Of Kill Tony.

Alright, your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Matty Chimebore. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. I'm not a good first dater. I have trouble with that. My problem is I'm either picking a place that's for an established couple or so free it's creepy. It's like, hey, sweetheart, how you doing? We can either go meet my parents or go hike in that cave.

What do you say? So I was like, all right, let me go check online. I made the mistake of Googling first date ideas. Like the most unrealistic list ever. The first one was, take her sailing. I have a boat. I'm not going to bring her on another guy's boat. Tell me to put his penis in her for him.

Like, why would I go? You know what I'm saying? Hey, Maggie, meet Tom. This is his boat. Oh, yacht. This is his yacht. This is his cool car. Pile of money. I'm just going to stay I'm saying? Hey, Maggie, meet Tom. This is his boat. Oh, yacht. This is his yacht. This is his cool car. Pile of money.

I'm just going to stay in the car. I'll pick you up later. I'm not going to do this shit. The last thing I want is to be, like, out at sea with her. And he's like, hey, Matt, come take the wheel real quick. I'm going to show Maggie around. Bring her in the down below part. You know what I'm saying?

All right, guys. That's my time. Thank you very much. Fuck yeah. that's my time. Thank you guys. Fuck yeah, 55 seconds of thunder. Nailed it. Thank you guys, appreciate it. Fuck yeah, Pat Reagan with a little rip over there. Look at that. You're like a white Kevin Eubanks.

Just his fake smiley. Yeah, well, okay. Thank you. That's real, man. I love it. Just as fake smiley Yeah Well Okay Thank you That's real man I love it Maddie That was fun How long have you been doing comedy?

About four and a half years Where are you from? Connecticut Connecticut Fuck yeah You live out here now? Yeah Yeah that was really good

Oh thanks Thank you very much Yeah It's obvious it wasn't like your... Last time I was here, it was like people that was like... They started today. Sometimes it is. Last week's episode...

45 seconds. Last week's episode, we had one guy, it was his first time, and another guy that had been doing it 13 years, like back to back. So there's always a wide range of... Yeah, you were good because I started hating. You know what I mean? I was like, fuck this guy.

Thanks, man. Hell yeah. And you're good looking. That's good. Thanks, Neil. Yeah, you got it. Appreciate it. Those are cool pants, too.

Like, what the fuck? Cool pants, cool shoes. Fucking. Fuck this guy. You have nice triceps. You have a lot going for you Matty What was the last What was the end of the

The last joke It was like Oh yeah About being on the boat And then I'm just worried The guy is gonna be like Hey come grab the wheel And he's gonna pretty much

Bring her downstairs Oh okay Right right right Cool Dude that's funny He's a cool rich guy Thanks man Yeah

Are we supposed to tell you More shit I don't Nah but he He didn't suck though No you didn't suck at all I felt like when you said The stuff that's like

Way too couple-y Or free Yeah I felt like it should have been Like hot air balloon Or cave Okay Yeah the

You know what I mean It's for an established couple Yeah I figured Parent Cause parents is free too Okay that makes sense. So when you said it, it wasn't like... It wasn't a big enough contrast.

What's free? Parents. You can meet my parents or... I guess that was the one where I was just freaking her out because it's like for, you know, it's our first time hanging out. It's like, oh, you want to go meet my parents already? That's how I looked at it. How long have you lived in LA? Five years.

Five years. How long? I looked at it. How long have you lived in LA? Five years. You've been on stand-up for how long? Four and a half. I came out here for school so I didn't do it the first semester. Where were you going to school for? I got my master's at Woodbury in Burbank. Master's at Woodbury? It's a small school.

One guy goes. You. Not anymore. I do Is that an architect? Not anymore. I do construction now, but. What? God, this guy's like fucking Bruce Wayne. Must be like a boutique construction place.

Only hot construction. I'm not like, I don't do the work. Oh. That's even better. You're like a foreman or you're like. I'm one of the managers. Oh, what an ass. Fuck this guy, man. Oh, come on, bro.

Come on. You just look at blueprints all day? What's up? You just look at blueprints? And point at blueprints? And get his dick sucked while he looks at the blueprints. Yeah, that'll work. Jerked off onto a bucket of blueprints.

I love it. I'm sorry, guys. I feel like I'm going to cave. Instead of the cave, maybe pick up trash would be funnier. Okay. Like we can go to dinner or, maybe pick up trash will be funnier. Okay. Like we can go to dinner or we can pick up trash on the highway. Do you have matching socks? Do you have green?

Wait, take your shoe off. Can you take your shoe off? Pat Reagan. Pat Reagan going for it. The back of the shoe. That is wild. Have it blend in. Pat, try to get him to take his sock off.

Dude. a shoe. That is wild. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. Have it blend in. Pat, try to get him to take his sock off. Dude. Now, how did you get me to look at that guy's foot, Pat? Why did you do that? I saw the neon, and I was intrigued. I wondered if it was part of

the shoe or not. Guys, get off my back. This guy, I like you a lot, dude, because he's so basic. You know what I mean? Like, you'll be like, yeah, I didn't want to get obliterated. And you're like, yeah, nobody would want to get obliterated and you're like yeah nobody would want to get a blitter a straight and they're like why did you take she's like I wanted to see his sock it's like all the reason why you would do things fuck yeah Maddie anything else you have any questions for us or anything? No, thanks guys. Appreciate it.

Have a good time. Matty Chimebor, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Matty Chimebor. C-H-Y-M-B-O-R. All one word. Fuck yeah. Let's just keep the fun train moving along.

Who knows what can possibly happen next? Put your hands together for David Deary, everybody. David Deary. Sounds like he's the crowd favorite. I know David. We've seen David before. What's up? I just moved to Los Angeles pretty recently.

I like it. I used to live in New York City. Some people ask me, oh, don't you miss New York City? They get excited. Oh, New York City. It's true. Sometimes I in New York City. Some people ask me, oh, don't you miss New York City? They get excited, oh, New York City. And it's true, sometimes I miss New York City. So what I do now when I miss New York City is I take my bed and I put it in my bathroom. Then I invite a friend to come live in the bathroom with me.

And then I invite another friend to come and just piss all over the door. New York smells like piss. Sorry. I like women's hands. Let's just get into it. I like women's hands. I have this weird hand fetish with women. It's weird. I have this thing where I can

tell right away if I want to have sex with a woman by looking at her hands. Because basically if she has hands, I want to have sex with her. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't fuck a girl her hands. Because basically, if she has hands, I want to have sex with her. I'm just kidding. I would fuck a girl without hands. Why wouldn't I? I'm not a monster.

That would be weird if I wouldn't fuck a girl without hands. I don't know. Whatever. Fuck yeah. Yeah, I like that. David Perry. Oh, yeah. That was a fun minute, man. I already knew you were funny, though. And still funny, dude. Thanks, Chris like that. David Perry. Oh, yeah. That was a fun minute, man.

I already knew you were funny, though, and still funny, dude. Thanks, Chris. Yeah. Can I just say something real quick? I think it's kind of – I don't know if it's weird or not, but I came home the other night, and my wife was watching Chris D'Elia on Periscope. I was going to maybe do this because I feel like it's a good comedy bit, but I haven't really thought about it yet.

But really, I came home, and then she was really embarrassed. She was like, That's funny. She goes, Isn't Periscope stupid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, what are you doing?

And she goes, I think Periscope's really stupid. And I was like, are you watching Crystalia on Periscope? Yeah, it's really stupid. He's like petting his dogs and shit. And then everyone's like hearting it. And it's, I don't know, it's really

stupid. So you walked in on your girlfriend finger-blasting herself? It felt that way. It was his wife. She was having sex with Crystalia. It felt that way. Did you watch the replay and see how much she was like, I want to suck your hog and shit like that?

Just the comments going up. I just saw hearts flying. Just so many hearts. Her color hearts. Wow. I just thought that was pretty. But yeah, because Periscope is creepy. It feels creepy. You don't watch it in public, really.

You watch it and you're like, oh, look at all these people having fun. She said an interesting thing. I thought it was interesting because she said, well, he's a comic so I thought, he said, look at me petting my dogs. I thought I would click on it and it would be something stupid and funny and weird, but it was really just him petting his dogs.

And then I found myself watching him petting his dogs. Basic shit, found myself watching him petting his dogs. Basic shit, bro. Do you know how long she watched for? No, I have no idea. I didn't ask her. I was too ashamed. Because she was really enjoying it, I think. So I'm sure she would enjoy your Periscope, too.

There were 500 people watching it, to be fair. There's a lot of competition. I don't feel that threat. What's the most people you've ever had? I don't know. Like 1500 maybe. What were you doing? Petting zebras. What were you doing?

No, I'm kidding. I don't know. Nothing. Nothing. I don't even get it. Driving. I'm trying to learn how to do it and be funny on it. But you're just kind how to do it and be funny on it but like you're just kind of you do it when you're bored

you know what I mean so I'm still trying to figure it out yeah I mean I don't spend my whole day trying to fucking figure it out okay yeah you do it's fine

just admit it I'm not shooting right now don't you always hope it's going to be other shit though because it'll be like driving and you'll be like it's probably not driving

then you click on it you're like it's going to be like it's probably not driving and you click on it like it's gonna be it's gonna be some fuck action yeah I think is there fuck action there's gotta be well that's what I was I think that you I don't think that they allow that because you would know that I got banned from it and I had to find out like all the rules

and then they undid the ban and stuff but yeah there's no porn on it so it's like a three week old thing and you've already been banned. Yeah. But they let porn on Twitter and isn't it owned by Twitter? It's not the same rules. And I heard that they're actually getting rid of porn on Twitter.

What's the porn on Twitter? You can just show porn on Twitter. You can show anything. David, up until this week, you've been notorious. You were on last week, right? I was on two weeks ago. You had a giant

mustache. I saw you had one. How's that been going for you? It's fine. Any major differences? People say, oh, did you shave your mustache? That's a pretty dumb question. You feel that you're self-conscious about your upper lip now that you see it. Any major differences? Yeah, people say, oh, did you shave your mustache? That's a pretty dumb question, you know?

Yeah. You feel that you're self-conscious about your upper lip now that you see it. Yeah. That you start hating your lip. Yeah, I'm like looking in the mirror like, that lip is huge. Can I tell you something? Yeah, sure. There is a lot of space between your top lip and your nose.

He had a monster mustache. Right. I don't know how that works. Like, does it just look bigger to me because you had a big mustache? Or did you have a big mustache? I think I have how that works. Like, does it just look bigger to me because you had a big mustache? Or did you have a big mustache? I think I have a pretty big. Did you have a mustache because you know how much space is between your upper lip and your nose? I just had a mustache. The mustache was fucking putting his lip down.

Yeah, it was. Fuck you, lip. What if you shaved it and you, how long has it been? About five years. What if you shaved it and there was like a fucking eyeball under it? It looks like it has a little baby Homer mouth. How long have you been with your wife? That's literally the most crystal clear thing I've ever said.

Well, we've been together three years now. Three years? So your wife has only known you with the mustache. Yeah, I've shaved it a few times. You think that has anything to do with why she was watching me on Periscope? Yeah, I think so. Well, as soon as I saw her watching you on Periscope, that's when I shaved it.

There you go. Youope, that's when I shaved her. I was like, it's over. All right. There you go. Thank you. You know what that horse means. Interesting. What did she say? Did you warn her? She liked it.

No, she liked it. She likes it. I'd be bad if she was like, oh, grow it back. I'll wait. I'll wait for you, though. It's like you going to prison. She actually said it. She kind of said it was like, oh, grow it back. I'll wait. I'll wait for you, though. It's like you going to prison. She actually said it. She kind of said it was like being with another man.

Nice. I don't know if that's good or bad. Wow. I took it as good. It's good for D'Elia, for sure. Does the audience know how old you are? Let them guess. Let them guess.

How old am I? Yes. No one's going to come even close. Yeah. 38? 34. That's all really close. 38? 34? 41? That's all really close. No one's going to get it. 34. It's really close.

42. Well, it's obviously older. Some people know. 43. Fuck yeah. Take off your hat 43. 43. Yeah, 43. Fuck yeah. Take off your hat for a second. Yeah, but you look, you're keeping it young. You're keeping it young, though.

Sure. Yeah, you have a young spirit. Good job. That's right. Not a lot of work. Just to be honest, not a lot of work. Well, we love you here, David, and that was a great new minute. David Deary, everybody.

He's on Twitter at MFDavidDeary David Deary Let's get a bad one I know That's what I'm hoping for right now Everybody just wants to come up here and do good That's what happens It gets popular

The podcast gets fucking popular And then you get like smashers that come up Yeah exactly Chris Rock next What the fuck This looks like a new name That's always exciting Smashers. Yeah, exactly. Chris Rock, next. What the fuck? This looks like a new name. That's always exciting. Put your hands together for Franklin Yee. Yeah!

If I could be any superhero in the world, I would be Batman. Why? Because Batman's a billionaire. First thing I do is I stop being Batman. Just be a billionaire. Yesterday my agent told me to stop calling him my agent. He's like, I don't want to represent you, Frank. You fucking suck.

I was like, you know what? That's exactly what my manager told me. Crying about wasn't that great with the ladies. About the age of 35, I'm picking up women left and right. Because I'm an Uber driver. Uber X, actually. I don't qualify for the good Uber. You see, I drive a white Nissan Versa hatchback.

If you've never seen one, just imagine a smart car with an erection. Got no respect for that car either. Fuck yeah. Franklin Yee. Getting the cat. Another good one. Another smasher. Another good one, yeah.

Another smasher. I like your style, Franklin. Now, you've been on this show before, right? No. This is your first time? Yeah. Wow. I know it's in the crowd. Yeah, I feel like I Franklin Now you've been on the show before right? Ah no This is your first time? Ah yeah Wow Yeah I feel like I've seen you

Is that what the horse means? Somebody's first time? I'm trying to figure out Like when I said you guys know what the horse means Like I was actually asking and didn't get an answer I don't know what that horse sound effect means But we'll figure it out at some point We'll put the puzzle together

That's funny though Because you're kind of weird. But when you do it, it's like a lot of guys have that style. But the way you do it makes it your own, which is good. You're funny. Do you have a lot of jokes like that? Yeah, a few. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two and a half years now. Two and a half years. All in L.A.? Yeah. Where are you from? North Hollywood. North Hollywood. That years. All in LA? Yeah. Where are you from? North Hollywood. North Hollywood. Damn.

Valley. That's so Asian though, yeah. Do you really drive for Uber? Yep. Wow. Nine months now. Nine months at Uber. Fuck yeah.

Where do you get up? Where do you get up around town? Wherever I can. Yeah. A bar, actually. Yeah. Bars and cafes and shit? Bars, cafes, mics. I had a show, but I got canceled. Cancel, actually. Yeah. Bars and cafes and shit? Bars, cafes, mics.

I had a show, but I got canceled. Canceled my own show. Have you ever slept with anyone you picked up on Uber? Nope. See, that's a good question. Yeah. Great question. I ask every Uber driver, and almost 90% of them have.

No, come on. Yeah. Really? Drunk girls at night. I'm Uber X though. What, you're Uber X? I'm Uber X. Fuck yeah, you are in a Nissan Sentra. Uber X, X, X. Yeah, but those are

the drunker girls get picked up on Uber Xs and like the ones in drugs and stuff. Yeah, I've been trying to You're like shitty detective. Well, the drunk ones get picked up by Uber X.

She probably got fucked. I'll be back. He just jerks off in the corner. I'm back, guys. Anybody get fucked again? Franklin, how many

girls have thrown up in the backseat of your car? None. Do you work the late shift, or what do you do? I do the late shift, but I don't do it no more, though. Because last month, I picked up some guy on a date with a chick, and his chick got crazy on him and ran my car with her car. What?

What? Wait, what? Wow. Dude, whoa. Wow. Was she Mexican? No, I think she was Iranian or something. Walk us through what happened.

Yeah, definitely. Okay. Well, I picked up some guy at the bar in Glendale. And then him and some chick were just talking in the parking lot for like a good 15 minutes. Did you have the meter running? Yeah, no, I didn't turn it on. I was just chilling. You're a nice guy.

But 15's a pretty long time to have an Uber wait for you. I could be scooping up other drunk girls having sex. Yeah, but then they're hugging, then they're talking, hugging, and then I was like, I know I hate on his game and stuff,

but then he walked in my car and I just hear him scream like, you piece of shit, you motherfucker. You made that guy wait for you for 15 minutes? And then he got in my car, He's like, hey, my bad. And I was like, cool.

Huge change in attitude when he got in the car. Then she got in her brand new Camaro and she ran me. Come on! A brand new Camaro? And then she backed up again and ran me again just to make sure. But it sounded like she was defending you in a weird way. Yeah, but she ran

my car. She's got a weird way. So then what? Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on one second here. Are you sure you're not just giving us the version you gave the cops when you accidentally backed into her car? No, that's what happened. He's like, wait, this is a scene from Taken.

Never mind. So what did you... I was tripping out, yeah. So did you call the cops? Well, she left. Then she left. And the guy in the car is like, did you call the cops? She, well, she left, then she left and the guy in the car is like,

you better call the cops, bro. And he just walked away. He left you there with the Ram car? Yeah. And you still fucking drive Uber.

That would be my life. I called the cops and then she got away. She, she almost hit a pillar in our apartment. So now you're working the day shift,

huh? Just working the day shift. Let me ask you. That's the end of that story. Yeah. So let me ask you this working the day shift, huh? Just working the day shift. That's the end of that story, yeah. So let me ask you this, Franklin. When you pick up people, do you ever hear them say under their breath, like, oh, fuck, an Asian driver? Fuck. That's also a good question.

Right. Because I know I say it. I just don't think you guys can hear it. I think when they cancel right away, then they probably saw my profile pic. You put your face on there, not the car. I'd go with the car because then they can spot you. I guess for drivers

it's a bit like Tinder where people can reject you if they want. I think so. Just off the picture. I got canceled on like three times in a row by one person. Do you cancel for shitty reasons sometimes? You're like, oh, this guy looks like a dick. I'm not picking him up.

Not really. No? I take what I can get, man. Yeah. You know? And you guys rate the people too, right? Yeah. And you ever give anybody less than five?

What does it take to get down on your stars? Probably hit my car with your Camaro. Wow. Yeah. probably hit my car with your Camaro wow yeah you're fucking great man I would love to have you if you can Friday do the death squad show at the ice house wow there you go Franklin Yee gets a spot

at the ice house Friday night can you make it Franklin I'll be there yeah good job dude Franklin Yee everybody Friday night. Can you make it, Franklin? I'll be there. Good job, dude. Franklin Yee, everybody. Franklin Yee. Fun times. Okay.

Let's see if we can get a good stinker up here. Put your hands together for Cole Young. Hey guys, how's it going? When I started doing comedy my own father heckled me One time I was doing a set my dad was in the audience I wasn't even doing that bad and all of a sudden I hear this voice say

He's my kid and I love him but I don't even doing that bad and all of a sudden I hear this voice say, he's my kid and I love him, but I don't think he has it. Well, it's Monday night, I'm at the comedy store in the belly room and my dad's up on the fireplace mantle in the urn. So take that, you son of a bitch. Huh? I'll show you who has it and who doesn't have it, right? I got it. Thank you guys so much.

Wow, that might be one of my favorite performances ever on this show. We've done over 100 hundred episodes of this show, and I just loved that fucking performance. It was real good, man. The lineup's good, dude. Did Tommy make this? What the fuck? That's fucking hilarious.

Cole, where the fuck did you come from? Originally from Quincy, California, Northern California. Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, shit. 15 years. 15 years.

Where have you been doing it at? Los Angeles and a few spots in Chicago and Atlanta over the years and New York a little bit and Florida. Tell us the places you haven't done. Turkey. The comedy store is really where I haven't done comedy, you guys. I just started coming here a couple weeks ago, and I love it so fucking much.

I'm so sorry. I was afraid to come here all those years, but I'm really fucking enjoying it, man. Wow, I love that. There it is. There's the horse. That would have been a good one for the party horn, actually, right after that. Well, the comedy store is a cruel mistress.

There it is. This is the most intimidating place, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you stand up? Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm really digging it, man. I'm really enjoying myself. I'm old as fuck. I know that. I mean, it's Yeah, no, I'm really digging it, man. I'm really enjoying myself. I'm old as fuck.

I know that. I mean, it's over for me, right? Hey, you're not on a mantle. That's goddamn right I'm not. Not yet. Thank you. Did you and your dad not get along? No, my dad was really funny.

That was a problem. He was just too damn funny. And so he died before I got funny. That was a problem. He was just too damn funny. He died before I got funny. That was a problem. God damn. You're like... What are you... I know. It's like

heartwarming. I'm going to go home. It's like an HBO documentary. It's a documentary. This is a documentary where at the end you feel good, bad and good and bad you know I mean yeah I'm really a coal so what do you do for work right now I am shit sounds like you're unemployed I work I work in the

medical marijuana field. Nice. Fuck yeah. As if the crowd couldn't possibly love you anymore. Yeah, really. You're a real pandering fuck. You know that, Cole? I've been in LA a long time, you guys.

I worked in Hollywood for a lot of years on movies and television shows to be a construction coordinator and a prop maker and all that shit. And now I do this. Wow, I love it. How much material would you say you have that you're comfortable with?

I've got a pretty good 30 minutes, I think. That's good. That's great, man. Wow, that's so cool. What do you do for fun? I watch the Dodgers, I guess. I don't know. I chase girls. Yeah. Literally. He literally has to chase them.

Because there is something about your look that's a little bit the jinx. You know what I mean? Hey, use it to your advantage, dude. I do alright, man. Believe me. I mean, I'm old as shit, but I got game when it comes to women. Oh, dude. I do all right, man. Believe me. I mean, I'm old as shit, but I got game when it comes to women. Oh, all right.

I would also like to have you on the show Friday if you can make it out to the Ice House. I'm totally down. Fuck yeah. Look at that. It's funny because

I was thinking, like, should I ask you? But then I was like, wait, there's like people smoking weed at Death Squad and drinking. I didn't want you to be, like, upset by it. And then you said that you worked in the medical marijuana field. I'm like, wait, there's people smoking weed at Death Squad and drinking. I didn't want you to be upset by it.

And then you said that you worked in the medical marijuana field. I'm like, oh, fuck yeah. And Brian thought to himself, great, free weed. Why don't you come to the show Friday night? That's Hollywood for you. That's how it works. So, Cole, how long have you lived in L.A.? November will be 30 years.

Wow. I came down here. I was a musician. I was a guitar player.. I came down here. I was a musician. I was a guitar player and I came down here with my brother from Quincy. And we recorded

and played lots of music in the 80s. It was an outrageous time in the middle of the 80s in 1985. What kind of music? Rock and roll. Kind of like jazz funk

type stuff. I was a bass player. My brother's like a screaming guitar player. He still plays as a flamenco player. Plays every weekend you guys. He's a flamingo player My brother's like a screaming guitar player. He still plays. He's a flamenco player. Plays every weekend, you guys. He's a flamingo player? Flamenco.

Oh, flamenco. Fuck yeah. He's a flamingo player. He fucking plays. He plays with birds. Don't give that guy your number. Two birds fucking talking. Fuck yeah. He'll fucking not call you again.

I love that you said that you have game, Cole. That's the part that intrigues me. I'd love to see on top of the documentary and honestly, now I'm interested in hearing the band. I'd love for you and your brother to have a reunion. I'd go to that show.

I'll have to wake him up. Is he dead too? He's on the mantle as well. He's older than me and possibly more delusional than me. He's still talking about a no-hitter he pitched back in Little League. Wait a second.

Brody? I was just going to say. Wow. Brody Stevens. Who would have thought Cole and Brody You got it I pitched a no hitter in third grade Yes

Push and believe Cole But the show that I really want to see now Now that I know everything about you Is just you Picking up chicks. Hidden camera. Are you on Tinder? Backpage?

No, no, I'm just on Facebook. And Twitter. I'm tweeting a lot. And Instagram. What's the age range of the girls? 12 to 17. 17. No, my girlfriend, she's 37.

She's like, I'm 57. Fuck yeah. That's great. Is she white? No, she's a Mexican girl. She's feisty, isn't she? Oh, yeah. She's like,

she rammed an Uber driver's car the other day. I totally got to call the cops. No I thought you were funny man. It was great. Yeah. Super funny. Super cool.

And it's so great to so great to get to meet you Cole. Thanks for being part of the show. Please come back and we'll see you Friday night at the Ice House. There he goes. Cole Young, ladies and gentlemen. The Kill Tony debut. The Comedy Store debut

of Cole Young, everyone. He's on Twitter at Comic Cole. All one word. That was heartwarming. It really was. You could feel the energy in his voice of how much it meant to him. There's another new name. I know that because I'd remember this one

because I don't know how to pronounce this at all. Put your hands together for Golly Krupp. Hi, guys. Hi hi Chris. So nice to see me. Hi Chris. So, I'm pretty sure you noticed my accent already. I'm from Santa Clarita. Yeah, I was from Santa Clarita. Yeah. I was born in Israel, actually. I'm mixed with French, so I'm basically

half Jewish, half racist. Yeah. I was just walking on Sunset before the show, and I saw a flyer that said, have you seen this dog? Please call. So I called and said, no. I've never seen this dog? Please call. So I called and said, no. I've never seen this dog. My girlfriend asked me one day, do you think this dress make me look fat? I said, no, I

think it's the cookies. I was walking Hollywood one night and a 10-year-old kid came up to me and said, do you maybe please have some weed? I was shocked. So polite. I have a memory foam mattress, but it has so many bad memories. So I sleep on the floor. Fuck yeah.

Powerful. Golly, crew. It's a great minute. How's it going? Good, good. Thank you. How long have you been doing set up? With you?

A long time. Chris has been headlining a lot of my shows. Oh, oh. Yeah, just so you know I did? yeah oh okay

wow golly am I saying that right golly? golly golly yeah right you said it right that's right

you work with Chris? yeah for years yeah I mean he doesn't know that he doesn't know that Brian Monarch shows oh yeah

for sure of course I thought you were saying your show that you hosted or something like that Brian's show I was on the show and Chris was the headliner let me just point out something I noticed. When you came up, you said, hello Chris.

Hi guys, hi Chris. Because we know, I don't think she knew you guys, right? You've never met. But even if she did, I've never seen anybody specifically point out a human in the room, which is great. And then when I asked you how long you've been doing stand-up comedy, your answer was a few years with Chris.

We're the new Jimmy and Joey. Golly and Chris. Fuck yeah. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Five, seven-ish. Fifty-seven? Five, seven-ish. Fifty-seven? Five, seven-ish? Yeah, kind of.

Five-ish, seven-ish. Fuck six. No, five. Right. Five, seven-ish. Five or seven. Well, I've been doing stand-up back in Israel, too. So I, you know maybe 10 even

a year in LA, it's about 5 years you got some demons you answer all sorts of years that means some crazy shit happened I think I don't know if the memory foam mattress you're sleeping on works I see where you're going memory foam mattress you're sleeping on works.

I see where you're going with that. Are you ticklish? Oh, Brian, come on. Jesus Christ. I thought you were going to go a whole episode without being a creep. And then look at you out of nowhere. Ticklish. What kind of question?

Be a professional. I love it. Your jokes are funny though yeah you're also pretty comfortable on stage so that's good yeah well she's with her friend yeah I have a show here Friday night Here in the belly room? Does Martin Harris know about that? Ha ha ha. Thank you. Golly. You seem to be like a real one-liner specialist, right? Are all your jokes like that? Short form like that? How much time do you think

you have? I know I have 5-7 minutes. No. Perfect. Chris, it's 15, 20. Ah, okay. 15, 20. 17 and a half.

Oh, 15, 20. Got it. Yeah, I have a good 15. I'm booked for a corporate show that they want me to do 20, so I believe I can stretch it. What's the corporate show? That's how you learn, right? Do you know?

Yeah, that's how you learn how much you have. But I have a good 15, clean, one-liners. Oh, that's good. What's the corporate shit? That's how you learn, right? Do you know? Yeah, that's how you learn how much you have. But I have a good 15 clean one-liners there. Oh, that's good. Clean's good. Yeah. For corporate shit, too. Yeah, very clean.

Well, that's cool. I shower before every show. Shower to perfume. Don't put that one in there. Anybody smell her coming? Especially when Chris on the show is like, I scrub, I scrub.

Right, right, right. Do any of you guys smell her as she walked up? Right on the show is like, I scrub, I scrub. Right, right, right. Did any of you guys smell her as she walked up? Right. Smell her cumming? Did you? I'm not even being weird.

It's good. I smell her. So clean, right? Yeah, I smell her. It's good. It's nice. How long have you lived in America?

15. 15 years. All right, don't start with this shit again. 10, 15. Don't ask her time questions. 10, 15. Don't ask her time questions. 10, 15. That's a big window.

We learned that lesson, right? We know. You're like, if anyone suspects you for murder, afterwards they'll be like, she definitely did it. Yeah. Her answers are not even...

Yeah, do you know where you were? I was either at the store or I was at the gym. I'm preparing myself. I'm ready for my case. Right. I'd be careful too, Chris, because all the questions that the detective asks,

you're the accomplice. I was with my friend Chris. I should have talked to D'Lea about that. Fuck yeah. I like your style How do you make money? What do you do for work? Makeup artist

What's that face you made afterwards? I'm supposed to know that? I wanted comedy I hate everything else What was that motion you just did? You're throwing up like... Well, he asked me if I'm ticklish. Oh, right, right.

I'm going to get you. Fuck yeah. Very interesting. You want more jokes? Yeah, you want more jokes? No. Well, we have 25 more people. Friday night, here.

Yeah, yeah, come Friday. Come Friday. I'm going to headline. Golly croup, everybody. There she goes. Golly croup. One-liners, good. Everybody's doing good.

It's unbelievable. Even the brand new people that I've never seen before. Everybody's crushing. This is a hot streak. Put your hands together for Jeremy Paul. Sweet mercy. I don't have any kids and I don't want them because my bloodline is fucked.

My niece just went to prison because she held up a cab with a Nintendo gun. You know those duck hunks? She held up a cab. Five years in prison. My cousin believes he's smarter than I am, which is fun because he just spent the last 17 of the last 18 years in prison. I say 17 of the last 18

because he was out for a year. Now he did 15 for murder. Got out. Then went back in a year later because he sold weed to an undercover cop. Twice. The an undercover cop twice. The same undercover cop

twice. He let him go the first time came back sold weed to him. What I'm trying to say is this I'm glad everybody in my family is dying because I'm never going to have any kids. That was a

fucked up set. Fuck. I know when I suck. Just keep going. We won't have to say anything if you keep doing it. Just keep going. Tell us more. Man, that was a piece of shit premise. Seriously.

I've been doing this too fucking long. Keep going, keep going. Then you just talk about it. Then you do it. Tell us where it went wrong. It went wrong when I walked on stage. That's when it went wrong. Seriously, I've been doing this way too fucking long. I know better.

But yeah, shitty set. Fuck yeah. Look, you're confident. That's good. That's honestly at least half of it. You got way too many things on, though. Yes, please. It's driving me crazy.

We've got to do this before. And we're going to go through it again because it obviously didn't work. Didn't you really got to do this before? That's hilarious. Here's the thing. I don't trust people. So I'm not leaving my bag with my computer in it anywhere near other comics. That makes sense.

That does make sense. But you're also wearing your Ralph's Club card around your neck. Well, yeah. Come on, man. I'm pretty sure you could put your keys anywhere but on a key chain on your neck. Like, that's incredible. I just do that shit, man. And how many fucking cars do you have or bank vaults that you have to.

Here's the thing. Here's my car key. I've never seen it. Here's my safety deposit box key. Oh, shit. Oh, you're a janitor. That's what's going on. You're a janitor.

You have the janitor set of keys. What are the cards? You have your Ralph's Club. What else? Ralph's Card. I mean, if you're going to wear them around your neck, you have to answer the questions. Library card, Ralph's card, extra care, CVS, pharmacy card, AutoZone card, you know, regular shit. Fuck yeah.

It's like a sad version of Mr. T or something like that. Like the saddest necklace you've ever seen in your entire life. Regular shit in 1999. I mean, you have a library card, but you have a computer. Yeah. So you go to the library to read books? Yeah. All right.

I like how you're not apologizing about it at all. You're just like, yeah, that's what I fucking do. I think it's like a pocket issue. Because it's like, it's normal it's like it's normal to wear. It's normal to have Ralph's card, but not around your neck. What do you keep in your pockets? Fuck, I wish I would have gotten that. That was so close.

Just money. I got just money. I got... Just money? Yeah. How much money do you have to wear? You need to have your keys around your neck. Your pockets are that big. Also, he's got cargo.

You have fucking more pockets. That's exactly what I was about to say. I'm wearing cargo pants. I have enough pockets. I just like to keep my keys around my neck. All right. Wow. Trust me. The fact that you're like, this is what I do. I don't give a fuck. around my neck. All right. Wow. Trust me.

The fact that you're like, this is what I do. I don't give a fuck. I like. That's awesome. I feel like you like seeing everything you have in front of you. Did you bring your mattress here? Are you wearing ruse? Those shoes that have the little pockets on the side of them?

Nah, man. Ruse. Yeah, kangaroos. Oh, yeah, ruse. I remember those fucking. I'm sorry. I'm from Illinois. Oh, yeah, ruse. I remember those fucking... I'm sorry, I'm from Illinois. We don't have ruse there. So where'd you start doing stand-up?

Peoria. And then how long have you done it? I only count since 2003. All right. And how often do you get up? Every night. Where? Everywhere.

Wow. I'm a road comic, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. Well, cool, man. I have a safety tip for you. What's up? You're dressed in all black.

I just am worried that you're going to get hit by, have your headphones on, be wearing all black, and it's night. Car's going to come hit you. Oh, that's actually funny, but really actually a good point. Well, that's for people to fear death, man. Okay. Fuck yeah. All right fear death, man. Okay. All right. All right. Tony has seen

my lack of fear and apparently lack of funny before. Well, it's not that you're not funny. You're definitely funny, but just the material didn't work out. Yeah. It's new shit that I tried here. Right now, that's you on a black bike. You got a fucking black hat on.

Just into the night. Okay. Let's talk about it, though, for a second. My girlfriend's white, though. I mean,

you got to really hope that the car is coming from the keys side of everything. You know, the reflection. Or maybe sometimes when he's, you know, walking at night, maybe he flips the keys to the other side. He just feels them on the back and just hears the jingle

and knows that they're there. I'm going to take a guess here and say that the reason why things didn't go that well, I mean, other than some other reasons, but I don't need to get into everything, but when you said that your niece, right from the get, how old's your niece? She is

22. 22? Yeah. And she really tried to... Rob a cab driver with a Nintendo gun. I mean, wow. Like the orange one or the first version? The duck hunt gun. Wow. Oh my god. I feel like when you say that, you should make us believe that more. Because I thought you were just fucking with us. Yeah. Right. No, I don't lie. I, my God. I feel like when you say that, you should make us believe that more.

Because I thought you were just fucking with us. Right. No, I don't lie. I get that now. Right. I definitely get that now. I don't care enough to lie. I get that for sure.

And we know that now. But when you're saying it, you've got to give it some. Because it sounds like a joke, almost. In the beginning, people are always trying to figure out who you are and what your style is. So if it comes across as a jokey joke, then people are going to... Because that's unbelievable. That is crazy. Your niece, sorry to tell you this, and I know I can say it because she's in prison, is stupid as fuck. I know.

To take a Nintendo gun... It must have turned into a murder case, right? she's in prison is stupid as fuck. I know. Like to take a Nintendo gun. I mean the cab must have turned into a murder case right because I would have laughed to death if somebody tried to. That would be the end of my life. Like I would just crack up. I'll fucking kill you but drive close to a plug.

It was her and two of her friends. They robbed the guy then he turned around and realized it was a Nintendo gun. The other ones had the Power Glove. They beat him senseless. They pistol whipped him with a Nintendo gun and then tried to get away and got caught. They put hot

wheels in a pillow and just beat him. Who got pistol whipped with a Nintendo gun? The cab driver. That wouldn't have done anything. That's not even pistol whipping. How do they break his head? He got pistol whipped and then Nintendo gun? That wouldn't have done anything. That's not even pistol whipped. How do they... He got pistol whipped and the dog came out of the bushes like... I'm trying to think of that, man. That's so fucking great.

Hey, you can use all that. Don't get me wrong. It's good, but I'm dumping the bit. No, I don't think you should dump it. That's fucking crazy, man. That's Peoria, man. Wow. How long ago did that happen? That happened last year.

Last year? Yeah, season's out right now. She was on Peoria's most wanted list because she was on the run. That kind of thing. Wow. Yeah. Was she like...

She hates me now. That's why I'm talking about it. Was this like a news story in Peoria? Yeah. Did they describe the Nintendo gun thing? She was on TV,

websites, all that shit. That's amazing. They were chasing her ass down. And I knew who she was but I didn't turn her in. Oh, yeah. No, because she owes me money. See, and that's got to be a part of that.

You don't have more in your pocket. How much money? She owes me a couple of hundred. Fuck, yeah. It sounds like the price of a few Nintendos. Well, I got an Xbox now. I'm good. Hell Fuck yeah. It sounds like the price of a few Nintendos. Well, I got an Xbox now. I'm good. Hell yeah. It's right here.

It's your Xbox. Xbox in your bag. Right. I mean, you really do. You are the king of the accessories. Perhaps the Don King of accessories, actually. I knew it. I fucking knew it. I'll take that one.

Thank you. I love your style, Jeremy. Anything else for Jeremy, guys? No, it was great. Fuck yeah. I wouldn't lose the bit. I would talk about it, and I'd add that she owed me money part to it, too, because that's all part of it, as well. And I'd really paint the picture. I mean, you guys know that

you guys all must know what that gun is it's fucking gray and like dark purple right like it's so blatantly not a gun yeah any gun basically i mean almost any gun is better than that gun because you know what that gun is like even if it's a red toy gun totally right it would be it'd be like oh fuck they have a red gun toy gun right exactly and uh i mean we, like, I know the spring-loaded noise that it makes when you pull the trigger. It'd be funny if she tried to rob the cabbie dressed in red overalls and a blue undershirt. With his old mustache. Fuck yeah, Jeremy.

Well, we'll see you again soon. Come back. Jeremy Paul. He's on'll see you again soon. Come back. Jeremy Paul. He's on Twitter at Jeremy Paul Says. It's a fun one. We're almost there, guys. We're getting there. Anything crazy?

Oh, wow. Here's another new one. Tim Alexander. All right. So I recently moved, and during the move, I lost my cell phone, which is so much worse than losing your wallet. There's never a situation where you're like, oh my God, there were so many pictures of my dick in that wallet. Oh no. I have this nightmare scenario where

somebody finds my phone and then just uploads everything to Facebook and it just gets no likes. Just like an LOL and an aww. So I I'm a comedian so I watch a lot of porn.

One of the things I noticed recently is that across the top of all the sites now, it says Facebook, Twitter, and Google+. Is anybody doing that? Is anybody sharing their porn? Is that going to become the new thing? I'm not going to admit to three midgets and a MILF, much less share that on my wall. I don't know. It just doesn't seem like it's going to work out. All right.

Thank you very much. Fuck yeah. Tim Alexander. Where are you from, Tim? New York. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just under three years. Fuck yeah.

How long have you been in L.A.? I'm actually just coming through. I live in you been in LA? I'm actually, I'm just coming through. I live in New York now, so I'm considering moving here. But yeah, I live in the East Village. Nice. Do you get up, how often do you get up out there? Probably like once, twice a week.

That's probably about right. What do you do for work? I give presentations for a software company. And you want to do stand-up? Yeah, absolutely. That's what you want to do. 100%. And you're young. How old are you? I'm 32.

Oh, wow. Thanks. Damn, dude. I thought it was like 20. Thanks. Yeah. You look like a 32-year-old Indian guy, but like a 22-year-old Mexican guy. Yeah. It's true. It is true. but like a 22-year-old Mexican guy? Neil.

It's true. It is true. You can really play different roles. There's something very Russell Peters about your style. It could almost be anything. Derek Jeter a little bit. You know what I mean? And I love him the most as one of Khaleesi's defenders in Game of Thrones.

I wish I was that ripped. You look like a person how people in the future, when all the races mix. You're like a future person. A lot of my bit is about the fact that I'm half Irish and half black.

Right. And congratulations totally on being the new host of The Daily Show. That's really impressive. Really impressive. After just doing comedy a couple years in New York, to have that show all of a sudden. But that's good, though. You should get up more than once or twice a week.

Definitely. Because, like, you... I mean, what are you doing at night instead of going out? Nothing good. Just making excuses for not getting up. But, like, what? Like, literally, what are you doing at night? Oh, I don't know. Go home, watch TV for the rest of the night? nothing good just making excuses for not getting up yeah you gotta like what like literally what are you doing

at night oh I don't know go home watch TV for the rest of the night I don't know go on a date or catch up with a friend or you know

like you know just stuff that's not comedy how do you go on dates where do you find girls I don't know the gym or

you know work or friends of friends or just I don't know where people gym or work or friends of friends or just, I don't know, where people find. Yeah. Alleys. Normal. Alleys.

Yeah, a lot of alleys. Yeah, you should just get up more. I mean, three years is still really young. So, yeah, you just get up more and, I mean, you'd get better. You're, you know, I think you'd be able to do it. You just got to get up more. You could get up. There's so many mics in New York.

You got brown nipples? I do. They're huge. I knew it. Huge? They're probably sticking out right now, aren't they? Yeah, they are. Now we're all looking at it.

You have the really long nipples? Brian clearly wants to know the depth of your nipples he's looking for a size on the extension part do you have an answer for that? Brian also wants to that's where you draw the line really?

I like to leave it for the imagination I'm pretty sure Brian also wants to know if you're ticklish obviously he is I'm pretty sure Brian also wants to know if you're ticklish. Obviously he is. I feel like that's Golly's thing and you shouldn't give it to him. She is my friend.

So Tim, what else? You've been doing comedy a couple years. you've given these presentations for a software company yeah exactly I basically spent all my time giving presentations for most of my career so it's just like it's I like being on stage are you mixing the comedy into your presentations and you're like the wacky presentator

for a little bit I'm like the you know the funnier guy in the presentation what nationality are you half black half Irish black, half Irish. Half black, half Irish. Yeah. Fuck yeah. So my kids are going to be.

You're Irish? Nice. Half black, half Irish. Interesting. And so which one's which? My dad's black. My mom's Irish. I do a whole bit about how

I asked my dad, what kind of black are we? And he said, shit to me, I don't know. Slave black. Which is, I always say, which is the worst crayon color. Can I offer you a real note please uh it's it's an issue of like your stage thing is just like uh lacking some sort of magnetism or like performance you know what i mean you're're kind of like a flat line and maybe throw some hills in there.

Yeah, but I think – well, you're high. But also there's – but also that comes with just getting up all the time. It won't seem like that if you just keep getting up all the time. Right. Yeah. You should just be going up more often. Sure. Were you blaming it on

laziness what were you calling it i don't know like you know i still do have a day job it's more yeah yeah yeah you know i'm what kind of hours are you working uh i actually i literally just changed i used to be part of sales now i became part of marketing so my hours are going to go a lot a lot easier because i don't have things like cool well then you should do get up more yeah i mean but you should be getting up more anyway you know a big part of it is wanting to do it and just loving it and making any and making it happen anyway yeah do you know my you do you know our buddy fahim anwar do you know who that is he's a comedian he's really funny he worked at boeing like all day and would do spots

every night and just like two or three spots and until he finally was like I remember the day he quit his job and he was like in a way he was like I made it. It was just cool. Get rid of your job. Just keep going up. Right. There you go. Tim Alexander everybody. The man with two first names.

Tim Alexander is on Twitter at Timothy Alexander. Timothy Alexander. No er on that? Tim Alexander is on Twitter. Timothy Alexander. Timothy Alexander. No er on that? You cut it off on Twitter? That's an interesting one. Did somebody already have Timothy Alexander? Tim Alexander is a drummer in Primus.

Wait, what? Tim Alexander is a drummer in Primus. He was like everything. It would be cool if I could do some slap bass right there. Would be. Would have been. I like that sometimes you talk about what you would have done if you would have been able to do it.

That seems to be a thing. You're like a bad dad. I should have. Should have been there. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like another new one. Put your hands together for Mike Schmidt. Woo! Mike Schmidt, everybody.

Yeah. Thanks, Pat. I drove here from Santa Monica, so I had to navigate around a lot of bicyclists, or as I like to call them, city deer. When I was a child and I wouldn't eat all my vegetables, my mother would remind me of all the starving children in Africa. And we would laugh and laugh and laugh.

Because we were Republicans. Also, when I was a child, I thought the word racist meant you like to see cars go fast. I got older, I'm like, that's not what a racist is. And then I went to my first NASCAR event. My grandfather warned me on his deathbed never to let my youth slip away from me, because he let his youth slip away from him and that little boy told the police everything.

That'll do it for me. Yeah, 58 seconds from Mike Schmidt. Another great set. Yeah, that was great. That was funny, man. How long have you been doing it? Seven years. Yeah, well, yeah, you, I mean, great writing and you know what you're doing, but that was great. That was funny, man. How long have you been doing it? Seven years. Yeah. Well, yeah, you, I mean, great writing, and you know what you're doing.

But that was great. Thank you. Yeah, really, really funny. I love you as the logo for the Notre Dame football team. Oh, yeah. Really awesome. Yeah. Because you look like a fucking leprechaun.

Yeah, I know. I know. That's why that works. Always funnier when you explain it. I think they got it. I mean, if I had a slap bass right now, I would totally hit it. No, without the beard, I look like a really creepy, creepy person. Really?

And you're like, creepier than this? Yeah. Yeah. What, do you look young? No, like young old face. Oh. How old are you, 30? Yeah. Yeah. What, do you look young? No, like young old face. Oh. How old are you, 30? 35.

Okay. Yeah. Do you, how often do you get up? A couple times a day in town because I just moved here. In the day? My God. Like a day. A day. Oh, got it.

But yeah, I headlined his hometown last weekend. Really? Yeah, it was really nice. Youngstown? Yeah. How was that? It was really nice. Youngstown? Yeah. How was that? It was beautiful.

It was in a basement. I wasn't scared at all. The first night I was across the street. My hotel was across the street from Club 76. Do you know what that is? It's like a trucker strip club. Jesus. And it's got like four parts. There'ser strip club. Jesus. And it's like, it's got like four parts.

There's a, there's this strip club. There's the back room to this strip club, which I didn't even want to know what happens there. Why? And then there's too much sex and awesome drugs. So many other things going on in Youngstown. I don't even want to know what's going on back there. Well,

I mean, I got to save it for maybe next time. And then there's like, then there's the booth, like jerk-off booths and stuff. By the way, you're looking forward to going back to Youngstown? Is that what you just said? I get off on weird shit. I see. Nice.

Did you actually like Youngstown, though? I did. I did, yeah. What kind of weird shit do you get off on? I feel like the first question was just a lead-in. Like Cabbage Patch Kids. Yeah. I like being at strip clubs

and seeing when people recognize each other, but they didn't think they were gonna. It's a small-town thing, maybe. When I was a kid, I saw my high school football coach recognize a dancer, and I was like, oh. Oh, wow.

I could see that every day of my life yeah yeah you may be dead inside you know what i mean i think yeah i think it's probably yeah yeah yeah now uh your parents they were republicans yes um and where are you from i'm from wisconsin rapids it's the middle of the state. There's nothing there. The closest landmark is Ed Gein's house. Wow. Maybe just to you, though.

You know what I mean? Touche. There is a cheese factory. You're right. Now, that green shirt, for some reason I feel like you have a closet full of those. Am I right? You are.

Not specifically. I have a closet full of ostentatiously colored shirts because I worked at a concert venue and I needed bright shirts so that the dumb shits who work security and get fired every weekend would be able to identify me and not hassle me when I went backstage. That's funny, man. Like, nobody gets a shirt like that for functional reasons.

Yeah, exactly. And this guy's like, you found the function. Yeah. If people need to recognize you, if people need to be like, oh, he's cool, that's the guy that dresses like a fucking putt-putt course. Yep, yep, basically. cool. That's the guy that dresses like a fucking putt-putt course. Basically, yeah.

I have this Power Ranger on his day off. I have a seersucker suit for that reason. You one of the kings of comedy? Oh, see, that would have been another good one for, what's his name, one of the Don Kings of comedy. Oh, yeah, that would have been another good one for, what's his name, one of the Don Kings of comedy, Jeremy Paul. Oh, yeah, that would have been good.

Speaking of Don King, do you got any shirts for Jeremy Paul? Maybe he could borrow a bright shirt so he doesn't get run over at night because he wears all black and he's got bright shirts and he says he's got a whole closet full of bright shirts. Yeah. Does he like hot pink? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Does he like hot pink? Yeah. Okay.

I don't know what to say to Pat. I just roll with it. Fuck yeah. Pat, do you want to tell us what it would have been like had what you just said worked? It would have been so awesome. It would have been great, man. Oh, fuck. There it is. My favorite sound in the world.

Mike, did I ask you what you do for work? Well, I just moved here, but I was a criminal defense attorney for nine years. Wow. Come on. Where? In Wisconsin, in Dane County, actually. Whoa. Yeah, don't clap for it.

It's actually the most racist justice system statistically in the entire nation. Wow, somebody lost a lot of cases. I did. I did. And I got really shitty about it towards the end. Well, at least when you defend a bunch of pimps, they give you their hand-me-downs.

That's clearly a... I can't pay you, bud. But, yeah. Now, I've been invited to a lot of really weird dance parties by guys whose trials I've won, and I've never gone to them. And I kind of regret that. Who has a dance party when they win a trial?

I can't say his last name, but his first name, the most recent one, was Clinton. And it was a gun charge. And that was in Miami? No, that was in Wisconsin, in Madison, Wisconsin. Yo, I got off. We're having a dance party. Wow. I don't know.

Mike, do you want to do the Ice House Friday? Yeah, sure. All right, sweet. Wow, there you go. Another Ice House spot. Look at that. Mike Schmidt. You'll be able to tell who he is because look at him.

There he goes. He just walked the fuck off. Mike Schmidt, everybody. He's at the Shinda. Let's bring up our regular. One of our regulars is out of town tonight. The great Kim Congdon is in her home state of Florida visiting family. She does a new minute every single week.

This is one of the very first shows that she's ever missed. This week, let's bring up our other regular. You know her from the Dysentery podcast. She's a regular on Kill Tony for two years. The always funny stylings of Sarah Weinshank, everybody. What up? I was talking to my friends about

what kind of animal parts would be dope to have. We started with tails. I decided tails aren't for me. Having a tail doesn't support my lifestyle. That shit would always get stepped on or like slammed in a door. Caught on something. Then we talked about shells. Having a shell would be pretty cool. It's like you're always almost home. Support my casual hermit lifestyle.

Just be like over a social situation and retract back into my shell. It's a one stop shop. It's your living room, dining room, kitchen. It's everything. But having a tusk would be the most dope.

Be awesome. Like you would have the most dope. Be awesome. Like you would have ivory growing out of your face. Who the fuck needs grills when you could have tusks? It's like tusk size would matter. That'd be cool. Did you see the tusks on that dude? All right. Fuck yeah.

That was, if you could have animal parts, which ones would you pick? Right? Yeah. Okay. And why the tusk again? I just think it's decadent. But you didn't even talk about... No, I didn't even get into it. The fact that you could...

Could what? The fact that you could kill things with your head. Yeah, a weapon. Right. Boner pills. Boner pills? No, he just said random words.

That's rhino. Rhinoceros tusks. Yeah, there you go. Brian, on top of using boner pills, has spent the time to read the small print on the back and find out that it's made of tusk. It is. Rhino tusks are a natural boner pill.

It is? Yep. Are rhinos endangered? I don't know. Does it boner pill. It is? Yep. Are rhinos endangered? I don't know. They are now. I think you can, like, if they die, you can still use their tusks. You know, like natural causes. Stuff like that.

That's cool. Poachers just chop off their faces and leave them for dead and take their tusks. All right, man. This is a comedy show. Not everything's a joke. And by the way, he says that while playing a guitar made of ivory.

Pretty literally hypocritical. Don't awe that. That's in the moment. That's not awe. That's awe if I could say that ever. We're talking about tusks and ivory. Hypocritical is genius. I could say that ever. We're talking about tusks and ivory. Hippo critical is genius.

In that moment. It's a one-shot deal. Yeah, it's not cool to awe that. So don't awe. Don't do it. This happens every week towards the end of the show. I start to hate the fucking audience out of nowhere. Oh, oh.

Look, you got the fucking horse riled nowhere. Oh, oh. Look, he got the fucking horse riled up. Oh, oh, oh. He did the hippo. It was real. It was hypocritical. And there was a chance to accentuate the hippo. And you awe that? Yeah, but we didn't.

I know. And here's the other thing. You want to be like, learn from that. But that situation will never fucking happen again. Right. It was like a fucking shooting starlet. So it's all good. Wineshank, how's everything else?

Everything else is good. What other animal parts are there? There's a shell. There's tusks. The turtle part was funny. Yeah, I like how you talked about how halfway home, the comfort of it. It's like fucking wearing a tent. It's perfect.

Sunglasses. Well, then maybe I should have talked about shells instead of tusks, you know? Like that might have been a stronger choice. Maybe. You know, when I always go to how good could it have been, what could have happened, I always go with my specialist on that, Pat Reagan, over there. He does this thing where he

talks about what he could have done afterwards to have made it work. Pat, what would you have done with the tusk thing? I don't know. I mean, tusks are valuable. They're used for boner pills, and sometimes people, poachers, chop the faces off of rhinos. Oh, God.

Wow. This guy's a real asshole. I mean, the crazy thing is you're playing a guitar made of ivory. It's pretty fucking hypocritical if you ask me. There you go. Not only do we help comedians get better on this show, we help audiences get better. You fuckers will learn.

Next time you're at a comedy show, comedians are going to be like, God, where the fuck did that audience come from? It's like you guys learned. Learned like pros. Well, thank you so much. The stylings of Sarah Weinshank. Follow her on Twitter at PrincessShank.

Guys, your final, final, final comedian of the night. One last minute as a special replacement. Great friend of Kim Congdon and friend of Death Squad. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. Stand in tonight. Edie Gibson, everybody. Here she is. Okay. Edie Gibson, everybody. Here she is. A lot of people say that I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.

But my side has all the taco trucks. And the drugs. And my side of the tracks is the side we're all on right now. Even though I grew up poor, my family always tried to donate to our church for the poor families. And it was more like a recycling program because it just got donated back to us. We were like, here are those peas.

I was born poor. I'm still poor. You'd think I'd get used to it. Every time I can't pay my rent, I just tell my landlord, I'm like, hey, I was born poor, I'm still poor. You think I'd get used to it? Every time I can't pay my rent, I just tell my landlord, I'm like, hey, I was born this way. I checked my bank account balance the other night and it just said,

Edie, get it together. That's it. Fuck yeah. 48 seconds. Edie Gibson. Yeah? This is what what your second time doing the show right you were on

Kill Tony 100 in the main room with Rogan and Irera how did this go compared to that this was way better than that was the last

I agree you know what I love I was looking really nervous you know what I loved is that that first joke worked even though the first time you said it you said

my tried of the tracks and it still worked. Didn't even throw anything off. Such a stickler. You just carried through. I didn't notice either. Just try it. I don't know what happened.

I'm an asshole. My side of the tracks. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. and you are poor I'm so poor I have literally $30 you have rich hair rich hair it's like

it looks like you got money it does actually yeah I don't do anything to it it just grows like this oh well it wasn't this color but like I don't like straighten it or anything yeah yeah okay yeah how often do you get up Oh, well, it wasn't this color, but I don't like straightening it or anything. Yeah. Some rich people shit. Okay, yeah.

How often do you get up? Mostly, I try every day, but there are some weeks where it's like three times a week or four times. Yeah, that's good. Why are you so poor? Do you have a job? I teach swimming. Wow. So this year, it's been kind of cold. Why are you poor, though?

Do you teach swimming to black kids or something? I had that joke on deck and I didn't do it. Really? I literally was thinking, I was like, I can't do it. I didn't have it. I had to do it. You know, they don't even try. They don't even apply.

Have you ever had a black student? The problem with black swimming class is everybody drops out. All right. Boom. Have you ever had a black student? The problem with black swimming class is everybody drops out. All right. Ha! Boom. I fucking love it. Now we're speaking my language. It's racial shit. Let's go.

Right. Have you ever had a black student? When I taught high school, I did. What are you teaching now? I teach privately. Wow. So you just go to people's houses. Yeah.'s got to be creepy right and no because I'm like I'm cool and I'm like a girl and it's mostly I train other girls oh really there's never like a guy that's like

are they all like kids I get the weird guy sometimes they're like you can train me for 60 an hour or something like that I. I get that all the time. They basically just want to see you in a bathing suit in their backyard, right? I don't have a pool. Spray yourself or whatever. Show me what I would have to do if I did have a pool. It'd be like the Pat Reagan of swim lessons.

Man, if I had a pool, I would totally get lessons right now. What was that reaction, Pat? You looked so... He's like defeated him, finally. Super defeated. He did a thing with his head when somebody gives the snap thing.

It was like that. I love it. Edie, what do you think of Pat Reagan? Probably should have said something there, right? What? Probably should have said something there, right? Yeah, but it's okay. Okay.

A time moment's passed. Don't say the thing now. Right. Yeah, you probably should have said something. You're doing what I'm making fun of you about right now. You're going back and trying to change what happened. You're like some kind of creepy version of Back to the Future.

Except you're only going back like 25 seconds. So we're like, man, if I just would have said that, that would have killed. And that's not killing either. Anyway, good show tonight, Pat Reagan. Edie Gibson did a new minute. That's Edie Gibson. I had fun with everybody

tonight. That's episode 100-. I had fun with everybody tonight. That's episode 100-something of Kill Tony. We did it again. Multiple comedians got up. Edie Gibson's, what, Edie Gibson comedy? Edie Gibson comedy. Check her out on Dysentery. Yeah, and Patty Reagan, everybody, was the man on the side.

Started strong. Started really strong. Sort of fizzled out as the show went on. But we like that about Pat. He keeps it real. He stays in the pocket and he goes for it. Elyse Lane. Our artist, guys.

Ryan J. E-Belt. You got anything that we could hold up and show maybe? Here, come on up real quick. Ryan J. E-Belt's a fucking monster. He's probably one of the coolest artists I've ever seen in my entire life. Look at that. That's us. Look at you, Chris.

That's awesome. You're wearing a fucking bow tie all of a sudden. He looks like a fucking wolverine. Dalia looks like a wolverine. Neil Brennan. That's cool. And the bear. And the bear looks like me, yeah.

Oh, the bear's mad. Unbelievable. Oh, and the cat's cool, dude. That's awesome, man. Ryan J.E. Belt. Guys, you can probably buy these from Ryan J.E. Belt or something like that. Find him on Instagram or Twitter. See how much he'll charge you for this amazing Kill Tony art.

That's awesome. Patty Reagan's on Twitter at PattyReagan, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Also, remember to check out my website, www.babydick.com. Is that really your website? No. No, it's fucking facelessrhinos.com. Neil Brennan. Yep.

Anything coming out you want to promote? You're Neil Brennan on Twitter. Yeah, you can Twitter me. Cool. Follow everything Neil Brennan, Chris D'Elia. Follow him. Do what David Deary's wife does and follow him on Periscope, Twitter,

and everything else that he does. Anything else coming out? You have a new special on Netflix. Yeah, it's on Netflix. You can go look at it on Netflix. Encourageable. I love it. Live audience, thank you so much.

That's Kill Tony. Have a great night. Goodbye. Thank you. You have to use that for somebody else.