KILL TONY - KILL TONY #109

Episode Date: August 4, 2015

Doug Benson, Geoff Tate, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Pat Regan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 06/15/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Brian. You're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates. You'll see that Kill Tony is at the Comedy Store every Monday. It's a free show, 8 p.m. Get your free tickets to reserve a seat because most shows sell out. Also Tuesday, Verbal Violence listeners, you can watch the roast battle in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. Again, that's every Tuesday. in the belly room at the Comedy Store. Again, that's every Tuesday. Also, don't forget, every Friday we're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California for a Death Squad comedy show.

That's where we record the Ice House Chronicles. So check it out. My birthday show is this Wednesday. So if you're listening to this, August 5th, we're going to have a huge show at the Comedy Store in the main room. Joe Rogan, Joey Diaz, Sam Tripoli, Tony Hinchcliffe, Dean Del Rey, Kimberly Congdon, Sarah Weinshank, Josh Martin. It's going to be hosted by Jason Tebow. I'm going to be on the show.

It's going to be a huge show with some secret guests. Tickets are going real fast, so if you listen to this, get them right now. Go to thecomedystore.com or go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Also, don't forget shopsquad.tv. We have a bunch of new hats, cat clocks, t-shirts, a bunch of stuff. Everything we make from that goes right to

paying for this free entertainment. Alright, and don't forget tonyhenchcliffe.com for his merchandise and tour dates. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2.

Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Yeah, here we are again, everybody. Another beautiful Monday evening. It's like a real live show. You can tell we have some new people in the crowd staring at me with stone faces. How are you, sir? You okay up there? Fuck yeah, the thumbs up. Great for podcasting. Hi, everybody. Welcome, audience. You guys ready for a crazy Monday night or what? We always have so much fun here live in the belly room of the world-famous comedy store on the Sunset Strip, and God darn it, we're going to do it again.

Hello to the people watching via Ustream and Periscope, but most importantly, this fucking live crowd. We're going to have some fun tonight. Another great one lined up for us. Ryan J. Ebelt is here, everybody. He's drawing a picture of the panel tonight of everything that you see happening. He's an artist that draws what happens every week. Put your hands together for Ryan J. Ebelt there in the corner under the light.

And keep it going for the band leader. You just saw Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. There he is, the leader, the one-man band. How you doing, Pat? I'm doing pretty good. How do you feel like your pre-show performance went tonight? You know, it went all right. I tried to do my thing.

Fuck yeah. Anyway, how are things with you, Brian? Everything good? Good. I'm on day seven of not smoking. Yeah. Wow. That's incredible.

I can't believe you're doing that. It's horrible. I don't know how you're doing that. I know. It's the worst. Especially hanging out here is the worst place to quit smoking. But you were in Utah last night, weren't you? How was that?

It was great. It was unbelievable. That's awesome. Yeah. You travel so much now. Yeah, I do. Come see me in Toronto at Just for Life's Toronto at the end of one of these months coming up. So if you live in Toronto, Google it.

Anyway, let's do it again, shall we? Every week I have two hilarious guests on, two of my funniest friends. This week's no different. Put your hands together for the great Doug Benson and Jeff Tate, ladies and gentlemen. Wow! Wow! We did it again!

Jeff Tate, Doug Benson are back in the house again. The music ends, the clapping ends always so quickly. Very professional. Everybody around here keeps it tight. Right. Super tight.

Everybody in this room is thinking about their one minute of comedy, so it's hard to concentrate. Not everybody. We have a beautiful live audience. A live audience that does not expect to be announced to come up here. That is a hot section right there. My favorite of the two regulars, Laney and Jerry, who are obviously texting the show tonight

out live via live text. They might be sexting the show. These two just learned how to text, so they're really excited to be here. That's adorable. What adorable old texters. Yeah, old texters are the best, though. It's worse than babies because they're excited about it,

and they're trying to turn their friends on to it. They also probably have a lot of text messages to catch up on. Right. Tons of them. They both just shook their head no. That was so sad. Tony, Lainey commented on my Facebook this week. Whoa.

Yeah. What'd she say? Well, my friend has a new profile picture that's him naked in the Colorado mountains, and I just have my arm around him. And she wrote, WTF, dot, dot, dot. Oh, I think that was the sound of a cougar. I don't think she's hip to nudity. Wow. Well, why did you post the picture of your cougar. I don't think she's hip to nudity. Wow. Well, why

did you post the picture of your friend's profile? He made it his profile picture. I don't know. But he's like a sexual guy. How did she see his profile picture? I don't know. And by the way, isn't your header on Facebook you getting your ass eaten out by another guy? What? Really?

Ooh, you just got spat on. There's been a regular occurrence lately of the guests turning on Pat Reagan. He's always there now, that guy? Yeah. I don't know. I know you were changing things up from show to show for a while there, and so there's no more costume.

It's just a guy with a guitar who said something I couldn't follow. That's what he does. I don't know what happened there. Nice to meet you. He's in and out. It's great. I love it. Yeah, you're certainly getting your ass eaten out on your Facebook profile pic that Brian just brought up. What is that from?

Eric Andre's show. I wrote a bit called Attack DeMarco where this indie rocker Mac DeMarco is brought indie rocker, Mac DeMarco, uh, is brought in on saw horse. All right. You got your ass seat. And I don't think we need the whole storyline.

I do think it's interesting to point out that you wrote the bit. Yeah. You're like, I, I, it wasn't, I didn't want it to happen. I did think it,

I did write it. And I was like, this dude eats out my asshole. But it's not weird. Do you write a lot of sketches that end in you getting sex acts performed on you? No, we shot a sketch. We stabbed David Arquette on Sunday. Sketch I wrote. You're just making all your dreams come true, aren't you?

Dude, it's a good year. Can't believe he did that. There's that band leader part of it that I love. Oh, my God. Gets to really punctuate that. Well, here we are, guys. We're going to have a blast. Doug, you've done this show a bunch of times.

Jeff's first time. It always feels like it's Pat's first time. So I'm excited about tonight's show. Over 35 comedians signed up for the chance to perform just one minute of stage time tonight uninterrupted. That's the only time that we don't talk is during their 60 seconds. I love that they don't know when they're going to go on. You got to just sit there and wonder when they're going to call. When you win the lottery, you don't have to tell a minute

worth of jokes right when you run up there to accept right it's really interesting i still would though why not if i get that lottery check i'm gonna do a lot of business with that huge check guys is my microphone broken he's really i told you it was an interesting crowd wait what does that mean now you're gonna make them all judgy and weird it means He's really, I told you it was an interesting crowd. Wait, what does that mean? Now you're going to make them all judgy and weird. It means half of the people here are thinking about their one minute that they might have to do seconds from now. They're not relaxed and listening to what we're saying. They're like, I got one minute.

I got to say the thing about, I got to mention that lady that's not really black. That's the thing? That's the thing? That's the premise? If somebody has that joke, you better do it tonight because that'd be perfect. Also, this is probably the last night you can do it where it won't seem weird or dated or you can turn my mic on whenever you want. You're worried about making this audience judgy and weird? That's what they're here for. worried about making this audience judgy and weird?

That's what they're here for. Again? Comedians, you know your 60 seconds of stage time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. And he sounds powerful tonight.

Very aggressive bear. Back there. Get back. I'm really excited. So let's get this thing started. Your first comedian. I was coaxing the bear back in that. Get back, bear. Get your back.

I was saying. Go to sleep, bear. Get back. All right, anyway. We'll call you in a minute. You clearly want to move on instead of playing more with the bear sound effect. So let's just do it. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of John Mitchell.

Oh, really? It's always a tough position. Sometimes people get scared. Wait a second. No, here we are! Wow! Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.

Hey, sorry about that. How's it going, everyone? Good. Good. Hi. Wow. Guys, I can't stop watching those ISIS videos. Saved my life.

You guys seen those? Those guys mean it. They ain't fucking around. They're like the most hardcore, insane clown posse fans on the face of the planet. Insane what they'll do for Allah. It's crazy. And say what you will about ISIS, those motherfuckers are goal-oriented. It's like they've been reading Tony Robbins' motivational books or something.

You know what I mean? I get it, though. I get their rage. I get it because those guys have so much pent up sexual frustration. You know what I mean? Like they don't even know what a woman's body looks like. How'd you like to be 18 and the only thing you've ever jacked off to is eyeballs?

You want to blow yourself up too. Oh God those fucking irises. I'm so sick of them. I'm out of breath. Alright, thank you. That's tough. It's tough to do a minute after running from some other venue.

Yeah. Where were you? What happened there? Everybody try to be closer to the stage. This is a little tip from me. I've been doing this a while. When there's a chance they're going to say your name, be nearby. It's like getting on a plane.

What happened back there? I was in the green room just talking. Wow. Doing cocaine. There was some fake blow back there, actually. Fake blow? Talking to the mic. There's fake cocaine back there.

Oh, see, that's got to be weird being that tall to where the mic can come out of the mic stand. I love that you guys give everybody a broken mic stand. It's like, let's make this as difficult for the first time. But I like the... If we're going to talk about what he just did, I'd say that choosing ISIS as a subject for a whole minute was a choice.

I only thought the last joke was the only one that really landed with everybody. I'm pretty sure you could say that about anything, Doug. Anything's a choice. It was interesting that he talked about bananas for a minute. No, but I just mean, who's sick of ISIS jokes, you know? And it's an edgy topic, and good for him for attempting it. I'm sick of ISIS jokes.

However, I'm never sick of insane Klon Posse jokes. It was a bit of a wild left turn that he tried to get that in there. What was the one that everybody laughed at? Jerking off the eyeballs. Yes, the eyeballs. That's a good one.

You should come up with a few more lines about just describing how sexy that region of the face can be. That might not even be a woman under there. That really gets me going. Like, imagine the one Middle Eastern who's basically a porn star lady there that just figured out that she could, like,

you know, trim her eyebrows a little bit. And that just makes her so fucking hot. She could, like, pull her veil down just a little bit. She's showing cleavage or something. She's showing her apples. Nose cleavage. Nose cleavage, yeah. Yeah, also the women there, though,

the eyes, they are the sexiest part, so they're always walking around like caked. They come caked in their eye sockets and stuff. Because guys come in their eyes all the time. Don't use any of this part. Because it's the part they're most familiar with. Yeah, you don. Don't use any of this part. Because it's the part they're most familiar with. Yeah, you don't have to do any of that part. It's also very bright over there, so they are squinty.

Yeah, sure. Which really is a drag. There could be shaved eyebrows. Right, like 70s bush eyebrows. Cross-eyed chicks drive you crazy for some reason. Or their eyebrows look like an old man because there's this

white like caked in jizz in both of their both of their eyebrows they look like Wilford Brimley Wilford Brimley can just be dropped anywhere

and it's funny just throw in some Wilford Brimley it's like your safe word yeah that's the first lesson in stand-up comedy

yeah you're a flailing Brimley. Yeah. But good job, I think, right? Did you do a good job? John, where are you from? Portland. How long have you been on stand-up? About a year. A little over a year. Did you do it mostly in Portland, or have you been here? No, I just started

here. How long have you lived here? Three years, almost. What were you doing before stand-up? Writing. Writing what? Screenplays. We optioned to screenplay, and so I thought I could do stand-up. What was the screenplay about? I'm not really sure. It's about his time with the insane clown posse. No, it's about me and ICP.

Wow. Screenplays don't translate to comedy. You can't just get up on stage. Interior. Comedy store. Exactly. Belly room. Belly room. Night. Everyone laughs. Nope, that's the best part part you just write that in there audience goes crazy now i have a question yo you're good looking why are you doing this

well because i am good looking but my life is a fucking mess just like any other yeah yeah these cats aren't bad look i mean look you guys are all have your qualities you guys all have your qualities that you're ugly and that we're not yeah no you guys all have your qualities. These cats are bad looking. You guys all have your qualities, man. He just confirmed that you're ugly and that we're not. Yeah. No, you guys all have good qualities about you, man. I'm not that good looking. I'm very. I'm 6'6", and I look like, take my shirt off, I look like a goddamn Irish man during a potato famine or something.

It's disgusting. I'm not that good looking. Wow, that was the worst. So that's just like a regular. You have to figure out a better go-to if you're going to make fun of yourself. You should have something better. I'm 6'6". I look like a fucking Vietnamese farmer.

All right. I'm fucking gorgeous. I'm a 1973. I was like, which one of you guys is talking? I forgot. Normally, if there's talking from that direction, it's somebody in a superhero outfit. Yeah. So it's more obvious who's talking.

They're robot boys. I don't know why, but I just love it. I don't know. It's a good question, but I love it. And I can't, like, I'm not like a normal good-looking guy. Like, I can't really get a corporate job. Yeah, he's more of an Ed Norton good-looking. I'm a shitty worker, you know.

I got felonies. I can't, you know, like, this This is like I'm in this to win it You're right Wait wait wait And you spent your whole minute Talking about ISIS And you've got felonies That is job one

To tell those stories Prison stories Shut up about ISIS Get your ass to prison Good luck So is that how you got In good shape in the yard You're saying I'm in good shape?

Thank you. What do you have felonies from? From Oregon. What the fuck? You have body issues. You need to talk about your body issues. He might be a good comedian because he's terrible at listening and responding. All the greats have that.

All the greats are just get up and go. You have cotton mouth and you're nervous, you just said. Are you stoned and nervous or are you just nervous to the point? Here, have some water. Thanks, brother. I appreciate it. And then finish your protein shake in the green room. It's weed water, though, that Doug brought from a dispensary.

I brought some weed water. You don't have any better go-tos to make fun of yourself? You could do better than an Irishman in a potato famine. That was more like an actual fact than a joke. Physicality, I don't have any better go-tos. I make fun of myself plenty.

You could say that you look like a gay Pez dispenser. Gay Pez? I had a woman... When you yawn, I bet it looks like dicks Gay person? I had a woman. Like when you yawn, I bet it looks like dicks are going to fly out of your mouth. But you can't actually say that because I'm using that for myself from now on. Clowns just riding on a bike? Yeah.

That's how good that joke was. Clowns showed up. Some woman said I looked like a cock-sucking Ed Norton the other day. I thought that was pretty good. Did you get her number? I was giving her the door. She was leaving. Giving her the door?

I was shutting the door. He was showing her how doors work because she had been heavily drugged. I don't know where the door was. There we go. Was she at your apartment? Yeah. So you had sex with a lady

a couple of days ago and you're like, I'm just like you guys. Fuck you, man. None of us could... Right. We have to... I don't know about you guys.

You guys probably do okay. Yeah, speak for yourself. No, like like You get it You got a lady back to your apartment And we saw a minute of your stand up So it's probably because you're good looking There's got to be room for a good looking comic In the game you know what I mean

There are zero good looking comedians Yeah I can't think of them Well Jess looks pretty handsome good-looking comic in the game. You know what I mean? There are zero good-looking comedians. Yeah, I can't think of them. Well, Jeslnick's pretty handsome, and your jokes are just as good as his, so good call. Okay. Whoa, whoa, shots fired.

Shots fired. Holy shit. Upcoming guest in a couple weeks, Anthony Jeslnick. It is a good example that he is handsome. That's true. Whoa. Shots were fired. No, I'm kidding. John.

Fuck. What the fuck? That was very real. That is such a dick move. Just imagine the fucking listeners right now.

If I were Abraham Lincoln, that would have given me a heart attack. It's one thing when you're in the room, but it's poor people. I'm going to get 200 tweets for that. Get rid of that fucking asshole at Red Band. That gunshot got me fired from my job. These people are at work on a treadmill. They're not ready for that.

No, somebody's going to slam into another car in traffic when that happens. Oh, my God. Anyway. The last time you guys played a... Never mind. I can't believe we were able to get that audio from John Mitchell after we let him off the stage in a minute. That's about him shooting himself after what he did on stage tonight, everybody. I'll explain that one.

Is he John? I didn't say it right. Yeah. Right. That's why I got confused. Everybody'll explain that one. Is he John? I didn't say it right. Yeah. Right. That's why I got confused. Everybody forgot who you were. What's your middle name? Douglas.

Doug. John Douglas Mitchell. Yeah. All first names. Yeah. All one syllable. Yeah. You sound like a president from the 1800s.

Yeah. He was the Attorney General of the United States Under fucking Who was that president? Nixon? He did time Is there a punchline coming? Are you giving us a fucking history lesson right now, John? John Mitchell was the name of Nixon's Attorney General? Tony, I think we should give John Douglas Mitchell

The door, if you know what I'm talking about Yeah, I think so, John I'm ready to go We know your cue, you look like a cocksucking Ed Norton, so beat it. There you go. There he goes, everybody. John Mitchell. Nice work. John Mitchell's

on Twitter. It's jmitchell5000. He's jmitchell5000. My favorite so far. Yeah, out of all the people so far, he's definitely number one so far. He just went sprinting back to the green room. Totally the best one. Hey, before we move on, am I doing this right?

Yeah, you're doing perfect. I just want to make sure. Put your hands together for Jeff, everybody. It's his first time on the show. It's a crazy show. He's talking into the right end of the microphone. He's got it down. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Chris Mack.

I told you the laughs are weird. Everybody's in a different head space. How's it going, guys? My name is Chris Mack. I'm from Dallas. A little bit about me. I'm not a big fan of holidays. I think a lot of them are bullshit.

I think a lot of them are excuses for you to buy shit for people you don't even like. But my favorite time of the year, however, is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Yeah. I don't watch it to learn about sharks. I know everything I need to know about them. I watch it to hear all the stories about how dumbass people are still getting ate the hell up by sharks.

It's stupid, right? If you ever watch this program, it's always the same kind of shit. Like some dude gets on there and he's telling the stories. Always something dumb like, well, I was stalking with my family, then out of nowhere, stop. Really? Out of nowhere? Like we just forgot the shark lived in the goddamn ocean. We just forgot this shit. You can't use out of nowhere when you're in the shark's home. That doesn't make any goddamn sense. If you're going to say out of nowhere, it's got to be a real out of nowhere situation. If you're going to say out of nowhere, it's got to be something like, all right,

let's say you're at Subway, right? You're getting the full on. You're like, hey, man, let me get some lettuce, a little bit of pickles, and a shark jumps out the pickles. Shit, put that on Shark Week. That is amazing. Hey, I'm Chris Mack.

Thank you guys so much. Solid minute. Chris Mack. A shark jumps out the pickles. He was running out of time. Yeah, but that was also, I mean, that's a fun way of saying it. Here's what I'm thinking. Yes, sir.

I'm thinking what I thought of when you were doing that was more like a perspective thing where I don't think I've ever heard of a black person getting attacked by the shark. You're making it about everybody when I think that the real take on it is that black people don't get attacked by sharks and that's basically the only thing right now that isn't attacking

innocent black people are the sharks. I mean, granted the black people are the sharks. I mean, granted, the black people can't get eaten by the sharks if you don't know how to swim. They don't go in the water. I resent that remark. I have a number one swim call in the Marine Corps. Thank you very much.

Really? You're the fastest swimmer in the Marines? Yes. Wow. No wonder we're losing so many troops overseas. It hits me right now. Let's name all those great black Olympic swimmers.

There was... In fairness, let's name a lot of... Cuba Goody Jr. He counts. You're listening to too much radio. Yeah. In fairness to him as a black fella, how many white swimmers could you name?

Just the Michael Phelps guy. Yeah, and Eric Spitz. Jonathan Thomas. Drinky Fuckalong and Bootsy Collins. No, he's black. Bootsy Collins? What was the Spitz? Brian Spitz?

Mark Spitz. Mark Spitz. Mark Spitz was like the first one to win a ton of medals and then Phelps beat his record. You think he's good. You should meet Mark Swallows. So much more fun than Mark Spitz.

Hey, can you make that gun go off again? No, don't tell him to do that. Why did you give it the seal of approval? You can't do that. See, now you're messing up, Jeff. You don't inspire the crazy man over here. So in 150 years, we were able to name four swimmers? Four.

Yeah, I don't think so. There's been another murder at the swim meet. Oh, wow. Everybody, take cover. Kill Tony is quite literal this episode. Yeah, it episode yeah it's a shot out left and right chris where you from from dallas texas sir wow it's so cool how long you been in la two and a half months lovely you live here now yes sir and did you do stand up in dallas yeah for about five years oh that's awesome how long were you in the military? Four years. Wow. What were you doing over there? I was an infantry machine gunner.

I did two tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. Fuck, yes. I love this. Now we can't say anything bad about... That's why I didn't react when the gunshot went off. I'm sorry for doing that now. I would... No, get down, bitches!

Oh, my God. PTSD. I would... Stop my god, PTSD. Stop doing it, Brian! He doesn't. That's so cruel. He apologizes and then he gets excited. This is what I'm telling you, you can't tempt this guy. He's out of control.

Airstrike, that's an actual one? Jesus. Hey, just... Just unplug that thing. You should open every set with that information about your military background because then, you know, respect is a great thing to get right away from the crowd. And then, you know, from there, you know, your jokes, they're not going to fake laugh just because you served,

but it's still pretty impressive. And coming off of that, just because you served, but it's still impressive. And coming off of that, even if you're just mentioning it, you could segue right into even the only thing I know about you is the shark attack thing. And you could segue right in about the stuff that really scares you. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was over there. There were no sharks in Afghanistan. Right.

No. Just mines. Just mines. Yeah. Just shark mines Shark mines Don't step on a shark mine After you mention that thing

About being in the military You should mention how good a swimmer you are too Are you a unicorn black man? What's going on? That's what everybody thinks You're military, I can swim I don't date white women, surprisingly. What?

Now that I do not believe. It's not by choice. They just don't really dig brothers. From the South, you can't do that there. You lose your trust fund. Wow, this lady will suck your white hair. There's a white lady right here that's ready to go. Wow.

Holy shit. That's because her father's dead. If her father was still alive Then she would be No approval Oh I don't like it Oh shit Oh no First of all

No Oh You just got destroyed Chris Mack Boom Listen In fairness They probably don't talk anymore

You take a dude Who looks like Terrence Howard That's not really black Like I'm black Black That's not Wow Terrence Howard's not black Huh really black. Like, I'm black. Black. That's not. Wow. Terrence Howard's not black?

Huh? He's pretty. He's not that light, is he? He's pretty light-skinned. Okay. What if we find out that. Does he run the NAACP? Damn it.

She does. She does now. She's a new president. She stepped down. Do you date Latin women? Latina women? I have from time to time Right, Dallas

Oh yeah, I mean it happens Not so much in LA I feel like you could probably get killed for that shit here What? Dating Latin women as a black dude? They don't like black people in East LA Oh, you're crazy All I can say is good to know

Dude, if you could survive Banging white chicks in Dallas You can survive anywhere Honestly, if you could survive Afghanistan Fuck whoever you want Man, you could eat that dude's asshole As long as he thinks it's funny Did you see those big fields of weed In Afghanistan?

It grows everywhere Yeah, I saw it and I had to walk away from it Why are they so uptight if they got all that weed? Because it's just growing. They don't do anything with it. Because America steals it. They don't get to smoke it. America steals it and sells it here and calls it illegal.

They got real quiet. They're like, oh shit, it's true? I don't care for your political stuff. Fucking Daily Show. Do more shark jokes. Fuck that political shit. Yeah, the interesting thing is that pussy John Mitchell talked about ISIS the whole time and he's

never even served in the military. But he did go to prison. So we have two fucking bad motherfuckers in a row. It's interesting. Who signs up for this show? Is this like a halfway house podcast situation? People trying to transition back into society. This is

their first step. Get cleared by Kill Tony. They get a great lineup every time it rains. People come in here for shelter and they do a minute. People decide they're going to start doing stand-up. Chris, I had a blast with you. Nice to meet you, man.

Thanks, Mac, everybody. He's on Twitter at Mac Diddy Combs. Mac Diddy Combs. He's a P. Diddy fan, I do believe. He's a fan of the Puffy. And Combs.

Okay, this looks like a new name. That's always exciting. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger. Melissa Esslinger? Melissa Esslinger. There she is. Melissa, everybody, come on! Monday night! Jesus, fuck.

I didn't think this would happen. Hi, I'm Melissa. I just moved here five weeks ago. This is my seventh time with one of these things in front of my face. The least that I'm shaking because I had no time to prepare because I didn't know that I didn't... Oh, fuck. So I'm short as you can... So when guys are talking to me, I'm like, hey, my eyes are down here, buddy.

I was at a kid's baseball game the other day, which is weird, because I don't a kids baseball game the other day which is weird because I don't have kids but I look really young so I go places and just fit in sometimes moms just wave me with their gaggle and I follow I had to get a fake ID

I'm 24 but people don't believe me when I give it to them. I love that. Melissa, is it Esslinger? Great job. Where'd you move here from? I moved here from New Mexico. I lived there for a year.

Melissa, have you been checked for lice? She's a little itchy But I thought I thought that that was not as much A comedy performance as an acceptance speech There was a lot of Just sort of Excited surprise In your delivery That would be funny to be the comedian That every time you go on a lot of just sort of excited surprise in your

delivery. That'd be funny to be the comedian that every time you go on it's like, oh, me? Really?

Oh, well, I guess as long as I'm here, oh, I'd like to thank my agent and driving is weird. I was getting up to ask that man

to point his lamp down a little bit and then you said my name and I was... Oh, you were trying to point his lamp down a little bit, and then you said my name, and I was... Oh, you were trying to tell him to not be so lit over there? Because he really seems more important than us over here. Sorry. He's got a really bright section over there. I just wanted it tilted down.

What is he doing? He's drawing. He does art for the... Yeah, he's going to draw everything. He draws everything. So he needs that light. Are you from Kentucky? I lived there for six years.

I've been around places. Is this your thing? Is this your natural cadence? Are you like this all the time? Are you extremely like... Was I born like this? No, I have like... Hold on. I get that question a lot. You lived in Kentucky for six years?

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Are you going to be alright? I'm good. You've been here five weeks. Where do you okay? Yeah, I'm good. Are you going to be all right? I'm good. You've been here five weeks. Where do you live? Do you just live on a roof in Venice like Jim Morrison? I am in Venice, actually. In a house, though, right?

With a roof. My cousin, I stayed with him for a week. Okay, that, I don't know what's going on there. My cousin, I stayed with him for a week. There's some creepy Lannister shit going on over there. No, I got a job out here. Sorry, I'm an asshole. Kind of a same bed cousin?

No. What? She said, she put it in quotes. Come on. No, she did the quotes. Listen. All right. You guys have been sitting there stonewalling

us the whole time and now you're awake? Now you're going to turn on us? No. You. Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I'm good. People ask me that a lot. No, I'm good. Where's your cousin from? He's been here for a long time. Well, I have family from Kentucky.

Where from Kentucky? And you stayed with your cousin. The reason I did Kentucky? And you stayed with your cousin. The reason I did that was because you were fucking your cousin. Maybe he's not really your cousin. There's a lot of reasons. Maybe she's not really staying there.

Maybe she's afraid her parents are going to listen and she doesn't want to know she got a black boyfriend. The real question is... Right. That's what it is. That's the cousin she's talking about. She seems terrified. She seems... She's just kind of like a dog on the Fourth of July.

What you need to do... There was a lot of gunshots earlier. You just need to be calming and nice. Brian, don't make loud noises. You need to just give her a nice environment in which to just feel comfortable and relaxed I feel like someone should

you're like a shelter dog someone should take you home and give you a couple of days where you don't have to be scared I really wish that was actually the first time that someone's told me that before too I have a serious question I'm getting worried

I notice that you are very oh sorry I don't get scared I have a serious question. I'm getting worried. I noticed that you are very concerned. Oh, sorry. I knew it was coming, and it still got me. Goddamn. Oh, my God. That noise is the worst. Like when you go see a play, like a lot of old people go to plays. By the way, the only person that wasn't affected by that was her.

I know. Which makes me wonder what kind of... She stayed shaking as usual. You've only done stand-up seven times total? This would be the seventh, yeah. Wow. Where are you from in Kentucky? She's talked into something like that.

I lived in Lexington for six years. Why is that so important? Are you doing a CSI thing or something? No, I'm from Cincinnati. I didn't know. Oh, I'm a Reds fan. Right across the thing. Yeah, there's a lot of Kentucky that's within the metropolitan area.

And I thought maybe I could call her parents or something. I'd be like, I found her. She's got a solid minute, but I'll bring her home. She's little and I don't have a carry-on, and my flight's in the morning, so I can get a suitcase and get you home if it'll help. You think that happens a lot with runaways,

that they wear a sweatshirt with where they're from on it? I don't see a lot of... This is the first runaway I've ever seen, so I have no idea. As far as I can tell, yes, they just wear things from home and get to L.A. And somebody do a minute. I just assumed no one had ever not interrupted me this far into a sentence.

Yeah. Oh, trust me. I'm waiting to. Yeah. So how much more material do you think you have after seven times on stage, just out of curiosity? What are other things that you talk about? I talk about how awkward I am a lot.

I talk about, I grew up in Germany, so I talk about that sometimes. That's what it is. It's the German twitch. Also, my mom's Jewish from the Bronx, and she used to drive a cab, so I have to tell jokes, I guess. How are you? What?

Mom, cab, Brooklyn, jokes. Bronx. Jewish. Jewish, so I have to. Jokes. I get it. I get it. Are you ticklish?

Yeah. Oh, Jesus, Brian. Brian is really not. He's the last. He's not comforting to these people at all. Wait, wait, wait. I used to be ugly, so I don't pick up on things like that. You used to be ugly? How'd you do it up on things like that. You used to be ugly?

How'd you do it? I mean, how'd you turn it around? I lost 40 pounds. Well, you were 40 pounds heavier, but that doesn't mean you were ugly. Pat, tickle her. Tickle her right now, Pat. Tickle her. No.

Please don't. No tickling, Brian. Listen, it doesn't seem like the last five weeks have gone great for her. Let's not fuck it up more. What's your feet like? Oh my god, stop it! I think you did

a great job. You're very likable the minute you get up there, even though you're scared, but everyone you have a thing that makes everyone be like, I really hope this is good. Yeah, you have incredibly solid cadence and timing. This nervous, twitchy thing that makes everyone be like, I really hope this is good. Yeah. Yeah, you have incredibly solid cadence and timing, this nervous, twitchy thing that you do. Richard Lewis has been doing it for 70 years.

I think a minute does you disservice because I think as people get used to you more, they laugh more and like you more and keep doing it. Yeah, I'm really excited to see more of you. There she goes, everybody. Melissa Esslinger. Esslinger? Bye. Esslinger?

You want to touch us? Bye, Melissa. Congratulations. Oh, my God. Brian went for the tickle. He's got to creep her out at every possible opportunity. She's running around the room now. Oh, amazing. She shakes the head of every single person in this room. She's running around the room now Amazing

She shakes the head of every single person in this room Oh my goodness I had no idea this was going to happen tonight Like she didn't sign up Everybody that signed up You might get called Melissa Esslinger Or Esslinger

I'm still not 100% sure Melissa Esslinger Is MelissaAnn90 on Twitter. So for those of you listening to the show, follow Melissa, M-E-L-I-S-S-A-N-N-E 90. So it's not really Melissa or Ann. You combined it and shared that A, huh? What are the odds that any people out of there is a Budweiser? Whoa. Josh. Oh, I'd like another vodka soda if I could have one. What are the odds that any people out of there is a Budweiser? Whoa

Josh I'd like another vodka soda if I could have one I'll have a turkey ginger That's not even That's just weird words thrown together Since you're going I'll have a crowning coat Whiskey ginger

Wow there we go Looks like we're all getting liquored up Five drink orders One of us is probably going to have to wait Until the person comes back for a second You assume they can only carry four drinks on a tray Oh yeah a tray A tray

I'm used to them bringing them to me Like with their fingers inside the glass And just here you go This looks like a new name as well. And this one's a tough one to pronounce. I'm just going to go for it. Chalice Robinson. Chalice.

Or Chalice. Chalice Robinson. Yeah, Chalice. It's got to be Chalice. Way over there. Here comes Chalice. Chalice Robinson, everybody. Working through the room.

Hell yeah. I'm not new. you said that name wrong before. Anyway, you ever notice what you ever notice what they call the area you buy condoms from? Like some pharmacies call them

family planning. And I was thinking like no one ever thinks about family planning when they're buying condoms like like I really only have two thoughts really like don't get that bitch pregnant or got that bitch pregnant I've never shopped on this side before but I've shopped on this side like lots of times yeah I feel like they if they want to like get us to practice safe sex what I need is Trojan and, like, Brand Jordan to come together and make some type of super sporty condom. Basically, what I'm trying to say is if you want to get more niggas to buy condoms, you should probably just put, like, a Jordan symbol on the box. Like, condom sales should skyrocket.

You know? Like, I feel like, would they re-release the condoms like they do the shoes? You know, a lot of times you see a group of niggas just staring at the wall like, y'all remember these? The King Kongs with the extra wide tip and the real monkey fur on it? Why would you need real monkey fur?

Fuck yeah. Chalice Robinson, right? Chalice. Chalice, I was right the first time. It's close enough. Chalice. Oh, see, I tried to correct him because I thought,

because it's spelled like the word chalice I love the part where you get into the Nike swoosh I think that makes sense if they made him more Nike condoms just screw it exactly I mean just do it

it still works yeah I mean, just do it. It still works. Yeah. Logic at the door. Maybe Logic has all our drinks. Oh, stop it. We just ordered. Who's at the door? Logic.

We haven't answered the door yet. Oh, yeah. Let's leave Logic out there. Let's talk from the heart about how we feel about that performance. I think it's called family planning because when you buy condoms, you're planning on not having a family. I was going to roll with that. Chehalis. It's Chehalis, right? Chehalis.

Chehalis. Come on, Pat. You've heard it before, too. What's your full name? Come on. I got to do this again. Chehalis Cal It's Chehalis, right? Chehalis. Chehalis. Come on, Pat. You've heard it before, too. What's your full name? Come on. I've got to do this again. Chehalis Calrissian Robinson. Oh, my God.

Calrissian? Now I remember you. Now you remember me. Oh, my God. Now you're back. Of course you are. I can't forgive you for what you did to Han Solo. I love you, Doug.

I mean, you're just all over it. So one could call this the return of the Jedi. I fucking love it. This is your second time on. Middle name Calrissian. You remember. Holy fucking shit. No, I didn't remember.

This is amazing. Do you realize that Calrissian is way easier for white people to pronounce? I know. You know what? I was going to roll with Calrissian. Maybe you might want to flip it over and make it your first name. Logic Calrissian.

Logic? Just go for it. Jehalis, you could open up a... You're calling him a different name every time. Jehalis? Shalahusi. Let me ask you a question. Something like that.

I don't know. Jehalus, you should open up a store that sells goblets called Jehalus' Chalices. You should open up a store, Pat, called I Can't Believe the Audience Laughed at That. Because it's never been said before, right? I've never been called a chalice before. Hey, Tony, I'm so glad they brought all those drinks in on that tray you were talking about. I had a fancy drink. We're going to bring it up for Josh Martin, everybody.

Yeah! He's that Josh Martin comic. He's periscoping live right now and hustling around. Oh, God. You ever think about using the Calrissian thing, though, as the name? I have. Because, by the way, you're calling it Chahalus, right? Yeah.

But it is spelled C-H-A-L-I-S-S. There is a cha, but there is not a second hey there. Nobody will ever say, unless it's two H's back to back, nobody's going to go Chahalus. Who said this to you? He said the exact same thing all over. Yes. Yes. Wow. And you still use the name?

It's my name. Let's do this again next time. Everyone is going to say it wrong if you have to stutter halfway through the first syllable to get it right. How about Caleb? The only person who can say it correctly is Melissa. She's going to shake. She would stutter her way through it.

Chehalis. Please don't be mad. I'm sorry. Did she leave? No, she's right there. She doesn't get mad. She gets shaky. She shakes. Fuck yeah.

I thought about using the Calrissian. Calrissian Robinson So I thought about using the Calrissian. I mean, Calrissian Robinson, I don't know. Calrissian Robinson is the blackest name of all time. You should go for that, right? I don't know why you don't, Calrissian Robinson, no one's ever going to say it wrong. No one's ever going to forget it. No one's ever even going to believe you

when you say it out loud. But they will remember it every time. It's more memorable to white people than if your name was Superman. Yeah. How about this for a pitch? Ready? Lando Calrissian.

Yeah, that's a good name. It's got a nice ring to it. How about Scott? Do you think Lando is real? Scott Scott. No, no, me. It's not real. Scott Calrissian. Yeah, that's a good name. It's got a nice ring to it. How about Scott? Do you think Lando is real? Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott. No, no, me. It's not real. Scott Calrissian.

The character exists. Yeah, but he's not real. You're real. Yeah. So I'm just going to start going by Lando Calrissian. Why not, man? My name's Han Solo. I vote against that.

I think Calrissian should be your first name, and whatever you want could be your last name. And you should open with how you just decided to make Calrissian your first name even though it truly is your middle name. Factually, your middle name is a pretty cool thing about you.

Yeah. Way too cool to not be known. Yeah. If my middle name was Calrissian... Wait, what's your first name again? Chalice? No, it's Chalice. This is your name from now on. I decree it.

It's Chalice. It's fucking C. Calrissian Robinson. I agree with that. C. Calrissian Robinson. That would be cool. I agree completely with that. People would want to sign that guy up. People would say, I'm going to go C. C. Calrissian.

You can't say it! I thought you said white people knew this shit, man. I want to say Louis C. Calrissian. Just do Jar Jar. That's easier. Jar Jar Calrissian. Jar Jar Scott Scott. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. Salacious Crumb Calrissian. What if you went by Cal-ri-sian? You split it up into two names. You know what? This is the most horrible idea, panel. What were your parents thinking? Were they Trekkies?

They were like, well, he was conceived while we were drinking from a chalice and watching Star Wars. How great would it be if he's 38 and he was born like four years before Star Wars even happened? And his parents just dreamed up a cool name. And then Star Wars come out and they're like, motherfucker! I mean, it was the 80s. You know, like black moms like Billy Dee Williams. So fuck it. She gave me the name.

Did you ask her about this ever? You ever really get the real fucking answer? He should be grateful she didn't go with Colt 45. Oh my God. He said that. Billy Dee Williams, come on. It's a reference. Yeah.

That's racist. He should be. They could have named you number one with a bullet. That's the other movie Billy Dee Williams is in. What was that? Bingo Long's All-Star Traveler Band. Yeah, Bingo Long would have been a good name for you. Bingo Long Calrissian Robinson.

Do you talk to your mom still? Brian's song. That's why I'm named after Brian. Do you want to call her right now and put her on speakerphone and ask her once and for all? Why would I do that? Let's call mama! Let's call mama! Let's call mama!

Wait, wait, wait. You're not chanting, lady. Where are you from? My mom lives on the east coast. Uh-oh. Tall call! No, it's late over there. It's going to be late.

We can't wake up his mama. She's probably sleeping, right? Oh, listen. Just because you haven't talked to your dad since you started fucking that dude don't mean he could just call his mom at any time of the night. Will you just ask her tomorrow and then tweet it at us?

I'm at Han Solo on Twitter. You sort of want to call her right now, though. Would she still be awake? Probably not. What time is it? It's midnight there. No, she's not awake. Midnight? She's not awake. This is a lady who loves Billy Dee Williams. A long time ago in the galaxy far, far away.

Hours, hours. My baby was born. Calrissian, I am your father. What? You're my mom? What? What's something else? Hey, what's something else in your life besides your name?

Like what? What are you besides a guitar oh oh shots fired again but he asked he's like the uh he's like the charlie rose of this panel remember when charlie rose like 10 minutes into the interview just be like what what else are you right Just solid questions. How long have you lived in L.A.? Five years, six years maybe. Six. Almost six. Did you start stand-up in Virginia?

No, I started here. Wow. Tough place to start. Yeah. It is. It happens though. That's a good thing. That's where I did it.

Yeah. Me too. Not me. That's all I did it Me too Not me That's all I'll say What the What the fuck was I going to ask you What do you do for work The ticklish thing is not going to work on this

I work at a retail store Are you ticklish What retail store Walmart We've done this before I know you don Walmart? Because we've done this before. I'll tell you, retail store may sound like somewhere fancier than Walmart. Chehalis, do you date white girls?

I've never have. I mean, I'm not against it, but I've never have. Oh. Alright. Which white girls are you interested in? She's in. I never had the opportunity to. I mean, like, where I'm from, okay, where I'm from, all the white girls act black, and I'm like, no, I want a real white girl. I want a white girl that's like white, not a black girl that acts, I mean, the opportunity to. I mean, like, where I'm from, okay, where I'm from, all the white girls act black. And I'm like, no, I want like a real white girl. Like, I want a white girl that's like white, not a black girl that acts, I mean, a white girl.

Where in Virginia do all the white girls act black? I'm like outside of D.C. So a lot of times they pick up that. Are you from that neighborhood in Spokane where that lady's from? No. Right? You guys remember. It just happened.

Wait a second. You're not from Cloud City? No. There's not even a single Star Wars fan in this fucking audience? I got it. One guy just lifted up and I got it.

I got it. I'm jerking off every day until December when the new Star Wars comes out. But only to their eyes. Yes. Only to the eyes. Right earlier. Fuck yeah.

So what else, Chehalis? I mean, you gotta change that name. However, I would keep it your name while working at Walmart. Just have that as your name tag and let that character die out there with Walmart. This is dead.

Excuse me, Chalice. Where are the Blue Light Specials? Call me Charles. They just add an R. A quick glance. Charles, excuse me. Excuse me, Chalice. Are you surprised that the regular Walmart...

Are you surprised that somebody in a Walmart who has a question is not a strong reader? But there's not even an R in it. It really doesn't surprise me. It really doesn't surprise me that somebody would look at you and drop a hard R. You know what I'm saying? Whoa. Really?

Nothing on that? It's about his fucking first name. No, it's not. I get the joke. I mean, of course it's a joke about the n-word, but I mean, clearly that's the only time you would say hard R. You motherfucker.

You guys really threw me under the back of the bus on that one. You gotta laugh on that one. You gotta laugh on that one. The first thing was that's smart too, motherfuckers. I know what kills

and what doesn't. It's called Kill Tony. That made it weird. That made it weird? Calrissian. Mind if I just call you Calrissian? Sure. Calrissian. Can you go to the DMV and change

your name? You don't have to. Listen, to make it in this business, you go to the DMV and change your name? You don't have to. Listen, to make it in this business, you have to stand in lines. And one of those lines is the DMV, where you can change your name legally. You don't have to change your name legally for people to call you that, though. Yeah, no. That's true. Sinbad's name is like Tim or something.

It's Timbad. I'm Sinbad have both. Sinbad's name is like Tim or something. He just decided. It's Timbad. I'm Sinbad. I'm Sinbad now. Call me Sinbad. And also, Calrissian is already on your ID. Yeah. It's just not first.

Yeah, it's just not in the right order. Yeah, man, you're all set. And the only reason I'm going to take this stance, the only reason we're saying you should change your name is because of all the people who have ever changed their name You have the fucking coolest option Just sitting right there Yeah it's pretty crazy

Is it one name or is it multiple I'd say pick a last name Calrissian And then pick a last name Probably the last name you already have You could take the Rob out of Robinson And just go with Rob Calrissian. Do you have any brothers?

And are their names middle names also from Star Wars? Oh, that's a great fucking question. Yeah. Is it like Malcolm R2-D2 Robinson? No, I'm the only Star Wars character. Tony, Chewbacca, Robinson. Albert Boba Fett. I'm the only one.

We just all had to do examples. This is my sister, Denise Jabba the Hutt Robinson. She never had a chance. This is my sister, Martini Princess Leia Robinson. Wow, Martini. That was more racist than my hard R joke. I mean, that's just like a... Martini, Princess Leo Robinson. Wow, Martini. That was more racist than my hard R joke. I mean, that's just like a... Martini.

That's because you didn't put a voice on it, too. Okay. What's the name of that Jackson that's not Janet? Samuel L. Jackson? Latoya is a good one. I don't know what I'm doing right now. Hurry up. Just say Wilford Brimley.

Brimley. Wilford. There he goes. Calrissian Robinson. Thank you, Calrissian. He's on Twitter at YoPParker. One day he's going to come up here and I'm going to talk with him about something other than the most awesome middle name in the world. But the two times he's been on, somehow that

came up, and I just can't get off of that. The next time he comes up, you're going to introduce Calrissian Robinson and be like, fuck yeah, man, and then just really get into Walmart. You're going to get into the groove next time. You're not going to forget about him. Don't you forget about him. Simple

minds. Dude, I feel like the minute he starts going by Calrissian, everybody's like, let's put him on Simple minds. Dude, I feel like the minute he starts going by Cal Rees and everybody's like, let's put him on the show. No, he's going to be huge. I feel like you guys are just talking a lot because you feel awkward because of what happened. What happened? Oh, nothing. I feel like...

Oh, nothing happened? That's why we're talking? Welcome to podcasting. I think we found the other thing he has besides the guitar. He also carries that speed bump around with him. To just throw out in the middle of nothing. You're not going to play a little diddly after all that? Yeah, throw us a little diddly. Fuck yeah. Hey,

do you know the song from Broken Arrow? Mm-hmm. Yeah, John Travolta's like, look out. No, that song is not

in Broken Arrow. I pulled another name out of the bucket, everybody. Put your hands together for Kayla Bernadette. Woo! Bernadette. It's just like an award show.

They're always seated really far away. All right. So I smoke weed, but I'm afraid to do it in public because I live near Hollywood Boulevard, so there's tons of children walking around. Like, I don't want the parents to come back and say excuse me um you gave my child a contact hi yeah uh right after we passed by you she ran off to Ghirardelli ate all their ice cream and then took a nap on Jimmy Kimmel stoop what's up with that gosh um what else yeah speaking of uh weed uh hi Doug um one time I got so high that I thought that I existed outside of the space-time continuum.

I saw Carl Sagan writing on a comment and he was like, Kayla, join me. We've got billions and billions of blunts. I have some advice for women who don't wear underwear. Please do. We cannot have the elderly slipping and falling all over your snail trail. Okay. Okay. I don't think Medicaid covers vaginal incidences, so take care of that. And one more piece of advice.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, but mine's the best. Thank you. Damn. It's interesting closer. I have the best asshole. I love it. I have the best asshole. I love it. I have the best asshole.

Good night. My asshole is superior to all of yours. Have you seen this fellow's Facebook page? Yeah, because his asshole is getting eaten out pretty good. So his might be better. Do you bleach your asshole? What the fuck would it look like? Orange? I don't know. No, I mean, why is yours the best asshole?

I mean, is it tighter than most assholes? Is it cleaner? Brian spends his entire day hoping a woman will mention her asshole. Because then it's open game. Like, he could just jump right in. I mean, that is pretty big. I mean, you're bragging about your asshole

like you don't poop out of it. Right. I just, it was, I don't know. I'm pretty sure she doesn't. Have you taken a look at her? It comes out of my nose. What is that, man? Pretty spectacular lady right here.

Whoa, Doug is in love. She's never shitted in her life. Uh-oh. So, your first joke was interesting because I like the concept of the kid getting stoned, but I didn't really like where it went. It seems like you'd have fun with it, though. Like the kid got stoned and built a bear.

The way you said it, it made me think like you were like, if I was a kid, I wouldn't go to Ghirardelli. Like you didn't like where the kid actually went in her joke. Why would he sleep at Jimmy Kimmel's thing? There's so many better late night shows to sleep in her joke. Why would he sleep at Jimmy Kimmel's thing? There's so many better late night shows to sleep in front of. She's on Hollywood Boulevard and that is

as a local reference, that is pretty funny. She's got some intricacies to her jokes that I don't think are necessarily landing, but it's good that you're doing it. This is my 10th time. I'm just a bored writer. Sue me. What do brand new, right? It's good that you're doing it. Yeah, I mean, I've been doing... This is like my tenth time. I'm just a bored writer. Sue me.

I don't know. What do you like to write? Yes, we would like to... We're filing a class action suit against you for what you did here tonight because you really took a minute of our lives. No, I was just saying I thought you had some...

It was writerly. That's a good way to describe it. The structure is right on. Like you were, there's a lot of writing going on, and you just have to say it in front of a crowd more often to find out where the funny parts are and where it's just more like clever writing rather than punchline-y. Where are you from? South Florida.

Wow. We're not going to hold that against you Because the weather is nice How long have you been in LA? I've been in LA since December How long have you been doing stand up? Like a few months So you're like really spreading out your

Times on stage You're going up like once every couple few weeks or so Yeah pretty much I mean I go to Big Wang's. Wow, I've never heard of that. I've never heard of that. Are you just telling us places you hang out? It's in Burbank, Doug.

It's in Burbank. No, it's right there in Hollywood. I go there every Monday just to do some shit and practice. I don't know. I mean, no comedians responded to that. I almost feel like it's just some guy's house named Big Wang. No, it's in Hollywood, but they have an open mic

or something? Yeah, and I've also done the Laugh Factory three times. Big Wang's is probably one of the worst places to ever do stand-up comedy. It's a chicken wing place full of drunk douchebags. Yeah, it's like a sports bar kind of place. Hey, are you guys talking about that show that's on top of Hooters on Hollywood Boulevard? You just described that, too about that show that's on top of Hooters on Hollywood Boulevard?

You just described that, too. There's a show on top of Hooters? It's like a second floor, and I did it once, and a fucking homeless dude started heckling me. No, that's just a Hooters waitress. Yeah, no, it sounds like it's above the Hooters. It's on the second floor. It sounds like there's a Hooters poltergeist situation going on here where anything that's built on top of a Hooters...

Anyway, it's a poltergeist joke, everybody. The hit movie from the early 80s. And two weeks ago. Yeah. I heard they don't even have a Carol Ann in this new Exorcist. What do you, or I mean Poltergeist. What do you think about that, Doug?

I don't think anything about it. I mean, what do you mean there's no Carol Ann? There's a little girl. Oh, there is? I think. I don't know. Kayla, when you say you're a writer, what do you mean by that? What do you write?

I write like screenplays little shorts like shit like that um depressing poetry or poetry it's just called poetry here uh yeah what kind of screenplay is like action movies no i'm just trying to write shorts like i'm into a lot of like mel brooks kind of shit so i'm like so i'm doing a lot of like Mel Brooks kind of shit. So I'm doing a lot of just stuff like that. That's an interesting role model for you, Mel Brooks. Yeah, I love like old,

you know, old white guys. Yeah. Oh, I actually have a joke about that. Yeah. About white people. What do you think

of Blazing Saddles? That's like full of super racist humor. I get the theme song stuck in my head every day. That's like a secret. Every single day I get it stuck in my head. What is it?

Hum a few bars. Rode a blazing saddle across the great big sea. I just got word that everybody stopped listening to the podcast. Really? We lost everybody? That can't be possible.

I just want to touch what you're wearing. It's velvet. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. This is love. I mean, that's... But that's just...

Any girl that mentions she smokes pot twice in her act, Doug just falls in love with her. Yeah. Wearing velvet and saying that. And then mentioning that and points out that she's got her own asshole.

It's actually my dream to be on Getting Doug With High. Oh. Wow. It's good to have goals. I'm not going to lie. Looks like you're going to have to get in bed with Wade. Wait. It's always good to get into show business.

My goal is to get on a show where no one gets paid and I just get very high and then go home. Yeah, you can accomplish most of those things without going to Culver City. Yeah, you could go to my house. Don't say where the show is. It's a secret. I don't go below sunset, so that's good.

I don't even know. She doesn't blow sunset. What? I didn't. Never mind. I'll talk later. Well, I bet that if you get in Doug with bed, then... No, stop it.

See, I reset and actually it still worked, even though I reset and tried it. Normally I wouldn't do that, but it was that good. That was good. You're the first comedian to ever wait long enough for the fucked up one to get forgotten. Yeah. And then go back. And it's still. Yeah.

Yeah. That's all right. Punched it up a little bit. That's good. Yeah. Executed it right down the gullet. Yeah. Professional confidence.

Professional. You just need stage time. I would try a cafe every day. They have a mic that you can get on guaranteed Have you been to Ha Ha? No It's out in the valley Do you have a car?

No car You know how many micers here would take you How far do I have to walk to get to where you live? I live in the Hollywood Hills Every open micer here would drive you to that open mic because they also need to practice talking to girls. Yeah. And you have the best butthole in the world, supposedly.

According to you! According to you! Don't get mad. This is kind of a weird question. Have you ever seen your poop gather and, like, stick? Because you're so skinny. I wonder if your poop ever sticks out of your body

when it's in your digestive system. What's interesting is he knew it was a weird question before he said it. He did know. Do you know what I'm saying? Brian wants to know the answer. I don't think the poop is held on the outside of the stomach, Pat.

I thought he was talking to you because he was looking at you. I know. He was actually looking at Jeff, which is surprising. How would Jeff be able to see the poop? All right. Yeah, it does. I didn't know you were asking me. The answer is yes.

Just the way bodies work, man, everyone is different. I don't actually have an asshole. That's why it's a real problem. You can see it a lot. I have to have three operations a week. Damn. Kayla, would you ever date a guy named Calrissian? Calrissian? Calrissian?

It's funny. My dating history is whiter than a Beverly Hills Country Club. It's terrible. It's terrible. I don't know how you can get whiter considering they're all white. But I guess there's an even higher level of whiteness. What's the oldest guy you've ever dated? Absolute whiteness.

What's the oldest guy you've ever gone? Absolute whiteness. What's the oldest guy you've ever gone out with? That's an interesting question. Why is Jerry running out of the room? Hey, where are you going, Jerry? Sit back down. Yeah, what's the oldest guy you've ever gone out with? And have you ever dated a guy with a baseball cap turned either way? I have.

I dated a Red Sox fan once. He always wore that hat. He never took it off, I swear. It really sounded like, you see, that sounded like you were setting up a joke and then there wasn't one. So that's what you gotta start doing. Is have a joke at the end of that. How old is the oldest one?

Oh my gosh. Come on, tell the truth. Do you have a hungry ass? What the fuck, Brian? This is what I'm talking about. There's gotta be like a line somewhere. It's kind of weird. She doesn't want to talk about her butthole. Do you have a hungry ass? Yeah, she's got a hungry butt. That's why

she brought up her butthole. Her butthole is in all her heads right now. No. No, not me. I'm busy drawing. I've got a guitar. I can't think about buttholes holding this guitar. Fuck yeah. How old's the oldest guy? Oh my gosh. Fuck yeah.

How old's the oldest guy? It's weird. I don't really date because guys don't really... I don't know. Like the guys that I want don't approach me. Right?

You know you can talk to them, right? Yeah, I know. Like unless it's Red Band. He's going to say something weird the minute you walk up to him. How's your areola? It's big? Small?

Oh, stop it. It's got to end. It's not an option. How's your areola? It's big? Small? Oh, stop it. It's got to end. It's not an option. They're kind of like small. It's not an option. What? Yeah, they're actually like pancakes. Like they take over.

You got the big ones? Yeah, they're like. They take over my whole body. Oh, dude. Don't lie about that. If you got dark brown, big areola. The moon's over my hammy. Oldest guy.

I'm like. Oldest guy she's ever gone out with? Yeah. Or made love to? Whatever. Oldest guy anything.est guy she's ever gone out with? Or made love to? Whatever. Oldest guy anything. Oldest guy you've talked to. By the way you're not answering it, I'm guessing it's in the hundreds.

He's in a retirement home. He's 92. I'm just kidding. I don't want to say. He's 62. Fuck whatever. You went out with a 62 year old?? Okay, 62. Fuck, whatever. Fuck it. You and I were 62-year-olds? Hello.

I needed rent money. Oh, my God. Did you get? Wait a second. Did you get rent money? Did you get rent money? How much is your rent? You went out with a guy for rent money?

How much is your rent? Well, between my roommate and I, about six-something. I was unemployed at the time and very hungry. So, I mean, you do what you gotta do. You do what you gotta do, you guys. So you dated him? Did you just

ask him for rent money or did you steal it? What's that convert in roses? In what? In roses? When a guy gives you roses, you can turn him in for money? Brian, what are you talking about? No, it's a hooker joke that only that guy got. You just point.

There's nobody even standing in that one part of the room that you just pointed at. Hooker guy. Wait, even you pointing it out. There's not even a real human there. I look. Even pointing out that it's a hooker joke doesn't help me at all. 62-year-old white guy, right? What did he do? Oh, yeah.

Don't remind me. What'd he do? Oh, he was gross. I really don't want to talk about it. Like, police were involved. It was... Oh. Okay.

He's a piece of shit anyways. I'm on to nice guys. Well, I'm glad you moved on. Yeah. That's good for you. Right. Are you ticklish? And I'm glad that...

Am I ticklish? Oh, my God. Only on my asshole. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Only on my asshole. Oh. Brian would be happy to. Oh no. Fucking disgusting.

Worst thing to say to Brian because you really can't accuse him of sexually harassing you after you suggest that. It's actually the law. Once you bring up how ticklish your butthole is, it's open game to Brian. It was like both of them creeped me out at the same time. You want to watch? No. Everybody, put your hands together for the stylings of Kayla Bernadette. There she goes.

Got very creepy there. We'll see you again next week on Butthole Party. Yeah. You can go to Big Wangs in Burbank. I'll give you my address. She goes to the one in Hollywood. They have an open mic there. She doesn't have a car.

I don't think she's going to walk to Burbank for you. I'll send her an Uber. That walk over Barham, you don't want to walk back, but when you're going, it's not a bad walk. He used to ride his bike back and forth on that fucking crazy-ass street. Really? Yeah.

I'm relentless, though, and we'll stop at nothing. Anyway, guys, this is the part of the show where our two regulars... I am relentless. You're damn right. Two regulars. Stop at nothing. Yeah. It's regular time?

Are you going to repeat it again? You want to repeat it? All these people. No. Sorry, you guys. Nobody else. That was it. We could do a rapid round if you want to do a rapid round.

Or is there more later? I'm sorry. No. Okay. I thought there might have been a format change the way you were looking at me. No. Do you want to do a rapid round? No.

Do one minute? No, we can't. Worth of talking. Do you want to do a rapid round? Do one minute? No, we can't. Worth of talking? No, we don't. What do you mean one minute? Isn't that what they normally get? Put your hands together for your first regular. We have two regulars on the show that do a brand new minute every single week.

They don't sign up. They don't come out of the bucket. They just do a new minute every week. It's been that way for two years now. Put your hands together for your first regular tonight. She's also from Florida. Her name is Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Woo!

Thank you. I just have to... There's this guy in the crowd that reminds me... You remind me so much of my dad. It's insane. Yeah, I only say that because I don't know you either. A lot of things remind me of my dad, you know, like a snow leopard. Because I've only seen those through a couple of pictures.

And my mom said he loved cocaine. You know? Thank you. I didn't want to hang out with them when i was younger a lot it's like because when you're eight years old you don't want to hang out with some guy that like parties all the time and just does drugs and so he wasn't around and now i'm 25 and all i can think is like he sounds pretty dope you know like i couldn't find drugs before. And now I'm without them and I know where they are. That's it.

Thanks. Fuck yeah. 50 new seconds from Kimberly Congdon. All on the dad. Wow. You talk about family a lot and I don't think we've heard much about the dad really. I know. What's his deal?

He was like around when I was younger, not so much when I was older. You just went back home, so you must have seen him. I didn't. Yeah. What's that like? What's he up to now? I don't know. I don't contact him.

But something pretty interesting happened. We don't talk at all, but we live in a really small town, and my mom heard rumors that he just won a really huge lawsuit and that he's like a millionaire now. Wow. Yeah. Are there any rumors as to what the lawsuit was about? A company that he used to work for that. I don't know.

Something happened. Like a fishing company? I don't know. Mesothelioma? I don't. I don't. Huh. I don't know Mesothelioma I don't I don't huh well you gotta get back in with him before he dies

I know so you can get a chunk of that when he's gone I know alright yeah that's my advice I loved the opener

you got the comedy thing down yeah you had me sold on the fact that some guy really reminded you of your dad until you hit the misdirect the fact that some guy really reminded you of your dad until you hit the misdirect. Like, I was already waiting to criticize you afterwards and be like, you went off too long on how long you thought somebody was your dad. So I totally fell for that.

Was it good acting? I was nervous it wasn't going to be good. I like how the guy that you pointed out was the hooker guy. Oh, it was the hooker guy. He probably does have some things to do with your dad. Oh, that lady's pissed. Do you do a lot of cocaine and not talk to your kids? I've never done either.

Wow, geez. You've never not talked to your kids? Yeah. I feel like the answer was as confusing as it deserved to be. Yeah. What a terrible father. I'm very sorry about your father relationship. That's okay.

No, she's going to work it out. We decided she's going to get back in with him. Yeah, we're going to be good soon. All is forgiven. Get your own million dollars. Hey, money bags. Let's just fleece him. It's been a while.

Right? We can fleece him. Look how fucking cool you look. You could put a suit on and we could Ocean's Eleven the shit out of this. And me and Red Band will be them two hillbillies. What nationality is he? He's Irish and Native American. Irish and Native American.

Oh, no drinking problem there. That's so funny. Wow. I swear that some old comedian's joke happened to be those two things and then said that. I don't know if it's a – it's definitely in the history books. Yeah, I think so, for sure. But Kimberly is – I'm proud to say I'm doing a show at the Irvine Improv on July 7th, and she's going to come down and do a guest set. Wow.

Yeah. Look at that. So cool. Always exciting. You should call her Kim. I don't think anybody calls her Kim. Some people do. Okay, some people do.

Are you going to let her do more than one minute? No, just the one minute and I want all you guys to come down and criticize it. Doug, you had a Kill Tony past regular down in Florida open up for you. I don't know if you remember the crazy stylings of Michael Perkins. That was an interesting night when he went on. What happened?

He got a little too fucked up, like got too drunk before and maybe high before his performance and was kind of a little bit of a mess, but in a fun way. And he had got a lot of people to come down and support him. Oh, that's so cool. But by the end of the night, I think he felt a little sad because I couldn't talk to him because he was so fucked up. Oh, yeah. I couldn't really spend a lot of time with him.

He moved back to Florida after being out here for a few months. Yeah. He drank so much that he came down with a case of the gout. Like the actual, the gout. Like the disease that like Game of Thrones people get in the shed. The reason why the previous comedian had to break up with her super old

boyfriend. Right. Because he had gout? Yeah. Over and out. I don't even remember that. Yeah. I made it up. How do you like, what's the first warning sign of gout It's disgusting Your foot hurts

You know what's gross is that he never wore shoes or socks He only wore sandals That also might have contributed to the gout Back in his home area What was it Pensacola Yeah It was interesting well there you go but happy to have

him yeah the Michael Parkinson story come see Kim and Irvine go see Kim and Doug Benson two minutes whoa two minutes a whole two minutes double time yeah

twice as long as that. We have one other regular on the show who also writes and performs a new minute every week, and her name is Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. What's up? I have a fire extinguisher in my apartment, and it's in a display case, which I find to be peculiar.

Same with that word. Because, like, in an emergency, in a fire-setting situation, I'm not going to fight my own fire. Like, I'm afraid of candles. My soy candles, I'm afraid of candles. My soy candles. I'm afraid of them. But if my apartment was on fire, what are the odds that I'm going to break the display case that it's in? Makes no sense. If there's a fucking fire, time is

of the essence, and I'm grabbing my makeup first. Because I'm not down to be homeless and ugly I'm getting my makeup I can't even tie my fucking shoelaces how the fuck would I use a fire extinguisher

alright by the way exactly one minute Interesting that you went with You can't tie your own shoelaces Is that true? Yeah, people around here have been calling me loose laces What's up, LL?

Are you serious? Loose laces? I can teach you I know how to tie them, they just don't stay tied Then you don't know how to tie them Yeah, you don I know how to tie them. They just don't stay tied. Then you don't know how to tie them. Yeah, you don't know how to tie them. That's been my problem my whole life, keeping my shoelaces tied. I'm not good at it.

The trick is to go the opposite. Are you serious, or are you just trying to make a connection with Sarah Weinshank right now? I'm just trying to, yeah. No, there's a way. I used to wear a dress like that. Whatever way feels natural to loop it around,

if you go the opposite way, it's actually better, and it stays tight. I mean, I'm doing all right tonight. Like, I've gone all day without a problem, but I can empathize. Both of hers are fucked up. I think I was just talking to her. Okay.

Mine are loose. Yeah. Also, if you want to break a, like, I just have some advice. Like, just hit the glass. It breaks right away. Have you done it? Yeah. No, I just have some advice. Just hit the glass. It breaks right away. Have you done it? Yeah.

No, I've been very lucky. Brian's done it. Done it. You've broken the display case. Yeah, I was at this girl's house that her oven had a grease fire, and they had one of those in the thing, and I broke it.

He's always at a girl's house. What'd you break it with? You know, I'm banging some chick. She's having multiple orgasms. I'm fucking her so hard. She's a fucking grease fire. She's like, Brian, nobody fucks me like you. And I'm like, I know, baby.

And then all of a sudden, there's a fire. And I had to break the thing, yeah. So this girl has a little hammer connected to it with a little chain. You just go like that. The glass is real thin. It's like fake glass almost. I just don't see myself doing that.

You will if your shit's on fire. Is it? I don't know. Getting out is a good idea. The display case is in your apartment? It's not in the hallway or something? No, it's in my apartment. In the kitchen.

You have one of those really hip apartments. That looks like a hallway? Is your apartment in an Urban Outfitters? No, I have a display case in my kitchen. That's weird. It's weird, right? Yeah, that is weird. Is there a bookshelf in your... It's a coffee table. Can you that is weird. Is there a bookshelf in your...

It's a coffee table. Can you buy a book that looks like a book but doesn't have anything written in it and it's $40 because it's cool? Good question. Yeah, for sure. Do you own a record player? Yes, I do.

Because if you don't, we have quite a selection over here. Are you wearing the polka dots in memory of Dusty Rhodes, who we lost this week? I don't know. Why'd that lost this week? I don't know. Why'd that get an awe? I don't know.

You mentioned a real person who just died. Oh. Where's Dusty Rhodes? You know who Dusty Rhodes is. From Three Amigos? Yes. It's from Vacation. Was he in a polka dots?

Yeah, Dusty Rhodes was. He just saw spots a lot. Yeah, me too. was. He just saw spots a lot. Yeah, me too. I love the makeup. You'll be homeless, but you won't be ugly. That's fun. And that's definitely in that wine shank cadence and rhythm, you know. You have your voice so well figured out.

And another fun set. Exactly one minute. Thank you. How do you feel about it? I mean, it took me a minute to get into the groove there. But once I got in, I was in it. How did you start it again? It was a weird start.

I just like to talk about that and get that out of the way. You say it took you a minute to get into the groove? Yeah, it did. Well, not a full minute. I was, you know, afraid. About 27 seconds. Anyway, Sarah Weinshank, everybody, she did, afraid. About 27 seconds. Anyway, Sarah Weinshank, everybody. She did it again.

Follow Kimberly Congdon, Sarah Weinshank, and Princess Shank. Kimberly Congdon on Twitter, Instagram, everything. Watch them, follow them, write a new minute, and perform a new minute every single week. We did it again, everybody. That's Kill Tony. Patty Reagan over there.

At Josh Martin Comic. Doug Benson. What do you want to promote? What's going on? At Doug Benson. Doug loves movies. Getting Doug with High. Super Doug me.

Doug Dynasty on Netflix. And don't forget Doug from behind. July 7th. The Be Our Mind Improv. The Be Our Mind Improv is a new album out on iTunes. And Chronicon, episode 420, New Dope is out of... You're definitely running out of things to rhyme with pod things by the way when is that out?

that's out on VOD and on iTunes on July 3rd am I in that? yes you are Jeff Tate popped his kill Tony Cherry tonight if I can say so one of my favorite first performances ever. Thank you very much. I was nervous. I

think I asked you three times if I was doing this right. You were doing great. I love that you actually asked. I wish more people would ask when it's their first time so that I could usually tell them, fuck, no, you're not. Get funny. But you killed tonight. Well, I appreciate it. What do you got going on? You're Jeff Tate, what is it, 68? 96. 96.

Jeff Tate, 96. What is it? Jeff Tate, 22? What is it, Jeff Tate. What is it? 68? It's 96. 96. Jeff Tate 96. What is it? Jeff Tate 22? What is it? Jeff Tate 49? Stop saying it wrong. Jeff Tate 73, everybody. It's Jeff Tate 96 on Twitter. Why is it 96? Because Jeff Tate is already gone and 96 is when I graduated

high school for real. What do you want to promote, Jeff? I got... This is Death Squad, right? You can get the Hot Dogs and Gatorade shirt. It's available now at

ZipZooApparel.com Hot Dogs and Gatorade. ZipZoo. Buy a t-shirt, everybody. Buy a Jeff Tate t-shirt. That's what he's saying. Follow him on Twitter. Follow him on everything and Buy a T-shirt, everybody. Buy a Jeff Tate T-shirt. That's what he's saying. Follow him on Twitter. Follow him on everything and buy a T-shirt from him.

No, that's what – Segura calls me that on his podcast for some reason, Hot Dogs and Gatorade. And so some guy made me the shirts. Right. And just go buy them. And then I have another shirt that says decency or death. And buy those shirts for real because they have – I put money into a domestic charity. Show of hands if you're buying a shirt. Check out his shirts, everybody.

This guy is basically saving you to buy shirts. Look at that. It's a dragonfly. It's just a thing. It's his mom. It's the thing that they came out with. Or a technical from Jurassic World. He's getting defensive about me picking something.

No, I'm very conflicted about having shirts because I've never had them before. I know. It's weird, right? Ryan J. Ebel, the artist. Oh, look at him go. Oh, my God. It's Star Wars. Beautiful.

Beautiful Star Wars art. Calrissian made it happen. A Star Wars edition of the Kill Tony print drawn live during this show here tonight. And I'm Darth Vader. That's fucking amazing. And you're the emperor. That's very cool. Live audience, thank you so much. That's fucking amazing. And you're the Emperor. That's very cool. Live audience,

thank you so much. That's Kill Tony. Good night. Thank you. Toronto, everything. Come see us live. Thank you. you