KILL TONY - KILL TONY #11

Episode Date: August 28, 2013

Kevin Christy, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 08/12/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Please check out me and Tony in Phoenix, Arizona, September 26th, it's a Thursday, at Stand Up Live. You can go to standuplive.com or go to deathsquad.tv. This is our first time going to Phoenix as Death Squad and we'd love for you guys to come out so we can prove to this comedy show that we can bring Death Squad there all the time with a bunch of new comics. Also, the following day, Friday, September 27th, me and Tony are flying to Ohio, and

we'll be doing a show at the Woodlands Tavern, and that's going to be with Tom Segura and Christina Pijitski of Your Mom's House. So it's going to be a huge super show of four comics. It's going to be awesome. You can go to DeathSquad.tv for all the ticket links, including this this Kill Tony, which is every Monday at 8 p.m. at the Comedy Store. It's free, and it's followed by the Ding Dong Show, which is also free at 10 p.m. Also, check out the ShopSquad.tv website. That's where Death Squad sells our Kitty Kat t-shirt. It's limited edition. Again, that's ShopSquad. squad dot tv and now here's a brand

new episode kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the comedy store how you guys doing tonight this is a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Boom. Here we are. Welcome, everybody. How are you? It's another big pack crowd tonight.

Josh Martin's here. How are you, buddy? Great. I'm doing good. We were just talking before, like, what happened this week, and we really can't recall this That's just a very normal weekend. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. We just did a bunch of spots, podcasted. You know? We just did what we do. Normal stuff. Yeah. Drank too much, cried at the comedy. I guess I cried at the comedy.

I had one of those nights where I don't, I did a podcast called Dysentery, and it's pretty much where we just get really, really wasted throughout the podcast, me and a couple girls. Like, I'm talking like a whole bottle of tequila, a couple beers, shots of, it's just a horrible mess.

And somehow I ended up here, and I guess I was crying People are coming up to me telling these stories Of shit I said I was going up to girls that I know That I would never do this with And just whispering in their ears Going, let's go to San Francisco and fuck

That's the craziest pickup line I've ever heard in my life Why San Francisco? I know It makes no sense at all That's really weird pickup line I've ever heard in my life. Why San Francisco? I know. It makes no sense at all. I don't understand. That's really weird. What does that mean? Is that some kind of term?

Like, hey, baby, let's go to San Francisco. I don't know what that means. That makes no sense at all. It seems like some kind of dirty sexual maneuver. Right. I just wonder if I made a joke up earlier, and I thought everyone heard it, and I forgot, and that's why I was saying that.

That makes no sense, but I'm so embarrassed. It's one of those nights that you're like, shit, I'm not going to drink tomorrow. That's one of those nights where you do that and you the next day are like, what the fuck? Yeah, it sucks. I've never had people come up to me

and tell me that I was crying to them. Yeah, I cry a lot, man. I have this thing where when I get really wasted, I just start crying. And it's not like I'm crying. My eyes just start crying. Really? Yeah, it's like the alcohol is like, hey, you need to pee. I'm just going to come out of your eyes.

Because you're too drunk to realize it. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, that doesn't happen to me. I'll talk shit and be crazy when I'm drunk, but the crying thing, I save that for just like... I just keep it all pent up and then I let it turn into anger.

Isn't that fun? Do you cry ever? Once a year? I really don't. You want to know what? I almost cried last night at the new episode of Breaking Bad because that show is un-fucking-believable

and it just came back last night. How many people saw that episode of television? How the fuck are they doing that? That's unbelievable. For those of you that haven't seen that show, I know it must be annoying. People must tell you, hey, go see that show. It's un-fucking-believable.

If you can't get into this, I don't want to be your friend anyway. That's fine if you don't see it, but it's really good. I watched the first episode and it stressed me out and I was like, I can't have this stress in my life. That's when it's good drama. What do you mean? You're crying. That was stressful.

You can't have that stress in your life. You're at a night club crying to your friends. Do you think I need more stress? Do you think that's a good, hey, let's add Breaking Bad stress to that stress in your life. You're at a nightclub crying to your friends. Do you think I need more stress? Do you think that's a good, like, hey, let's add breaking bad stress to that? It might help. You might be like, you know what? My life's not that bad after all. I don't have stage four lung cancer and fucking a meth business that's trying to kill me.

That show's fucking unbelievable. But with all these expectations, they come out with a new episode. And I mean, expectations are sky high. And, right? I mean only these four guys obviously have enough money to have cable. So do you think it's going to end though with the lost episode where like,

what? They're all dreaming. Absolutely not. You know why? Because Vince Gilligan's too badass for that. J.J. Abrams did that. I have respect for him, but there's also other forces that be. Powers that be. But how many series ever ends and you're like, wow, that was awesome.

What they did at Seinfeld where they're all quiet in jail. That was amazing. That was a bad one. Yeah, or lost. The Sopranos is an interesting one. Sopranos even, though. It's like, come on. We need to know what happened there. But they tell you what happened. It's sort of a...

It's wrong what they did in the way that they made it so that like only people that are really fucking paying attention can see what happens there. But I watched the whole thing on it. It's really interesting. And the way that it works is there's... How many people here have seen the last episode of Sopranos? Okay, that's a good enough amount to talk about it. It's really interesting. The way that it works is how many people here have seen the last episode of Sopranos?

That's a good enough amount to talk about it. He's sitting in the booth and he's looking at the door and you see you're looking at him and the door thing rings and he looks at who's in the door and the camera goes from where he's sitting. This is a thing that happens over and over

again. More people keep coming in and then you go from his vision. And the thing is, is that on that last one, you watch the guy go, everything hints that that guy that went in the bathroom that's coming back out is going to kill him. And that's on purpose too. That's not to trick you.

That's to let you know what the fuck's happening in the scene. There's a reason. Everything else has a reason. So that would too. And then on the final one, when Meadow's coming in late or something like that, he looks up again, and that's when it goes blank, but it would be from his angle, and at that point, that guy's coming out,

so you know that he got shot in the head. Oh. For a fact. Or they were going to wait five more years make a soprano movie and the guy behind him misses and shoots the daughter in the shoulder

there's nobody had Gandolfini living for five years nobody and if you did if you thought he was going to survive that long you obviously don't have any Italian friends with an Italian family that's just eating cheese and drinking milk.

Because that's what they do. And pasta. I mean, the tomato sauce is the healthiest thing Italians eat. And that's not even really... That's got shit in it? It's crazy. You know, so if you guys have seen the show before, we have this gentleman over here. Of course, our head of security.

Head of security. Chief of insecurity. Yeah, Iron Patriot. The Iron Patriot, everybody, is here once again. One of my favorite. All right, we're really excited tonight. Okay. You're really firing them off there, huh?

Yes. In the past, he's done some weird little music numbers that have surprised us all. He sent me one over this week, and I put it on my iPad. Didn't listen to it until today, just to double-check to make sure it was working. He's going to do this song. I've heard that he was sending in a song. I heard last week he was going to do it. I got excited. He brought a banana here for some reason

last week. I'm like, what's the banana for? It's for a music thing I almost did, but it didn't work out. You asked me earlier, do you know what this song is? Have you listened to it? I purposefully haven't wanted to listen to it because I wanted to be surprised at what he was going to do with this banana here.

I heard it, and I can't even imagine what's going to go on right now because this makes no sense to me. So let's go. Here's the Iron Patriot with his banana song. Now stop dancing monkey, let's make it out of my new jungle Here's where this day comes, just about any old monkey His name is Jacob, that's the funny name for a monkey One day he found him a lady, she was climbing on a tree She was bloody dry, that's the funny name for a monkey That's the funny name for a monkey He's got plenty dry Like a cow in love with a candy She makes me check up And feel fresh like a bit of brandy

He wants to share his banana, he wants to share it all with her The Fanny T-Drop doesn't know just what to do She don't know just what to do Get crazy with your banana I wanna share my banana with you I wanna share my banana with you I wanna share my banana Share it all with you I wanna share my banana, share it all with you I wanna share my banana, make this love so true

I wanna share my banana, share it all with you I wanna share my banana They left so happy On a branch in a tree in the jungle They got the rhythm And they know just what to do He wants to share his manhood He wants to share it all with her

The family tea drive They know just what to do He wants to share it all with her The fella, T-Dragon, doesn't know just what to do Still don't know just what to do We're crazy, we're your banana Like a steamboat with a dune I want to share it all with her Oh my god! What the fuck? Thank you guys.

Thank you. Wow. Let me tell you something about that song, Tony. That was a hit in Dallas, Texas in 1992. I was in a band called Dirty Crabber. That's a classic song. It was in the grunge era. The whole world wasn't ready for the banana, but now they are ready for the banana.

I was so happy to do that song tonight, Tony. Thank you so much. Okay. It's the story about two monkeys in the jungle named Jacob and Letitia. Letitia was playing hard to get, and Jacob said, Get crazy with that banana.

Holy shit, man. the teacher was playing hard to get and jacob said get crazy with that banana holy shit man i don't i feel like i died it's a mystical song it can mean many things whatever you want or it can be the man's genitalia whatever you like obviously yeah we could take it however we like. All right. So you were in a band in Dallas in 1992. What was the name of the band? It was called Dirty Crabber. You can look on YouTube. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

And what instrument did you play? I was the singer. I was the crabber. And that was your band's actual song? Yes. We had a little radio play. It didn't go big time, but I don't think it was the right time.

I think now is the time. Wow. Here's a... Is Dirty Crabber Mailman one of your songs? Yes. Well, let's take a listen to Dirty Crabber Mailman. I just found it here on YouTube. I'm sure I know somebody

that can sing along with this. Now, wait, is this... Wait, is that you in the video? Yeah. Oh, my God. For those of you listening at home, Dirty Crabber Mailman you can find on YouTube.

It's pretty un-fucking-believable. Oh, my God. you gotta be kidding me. It starts there in a second. It starts with a dog? Oh my god, that's you? Yeah. Oh, I see why you wear the Patriot suit. Yeah, that was me, Bill.

I'm in Dallas, Texas. You call this grunge? No, I'm saying grunge was popular. That's why we had... Oh, that's so great. We were more funny and happy. You were happy rock and roll? Yes.

During the era that grunge was completely taking over. When people were going dark. You're like, you know what? Let's just take over the happy market in Dallas right now. It was a hard time for the rock star in the early 90s. Holy shit. How does Mailman go? Everything is always better when I do it right.

I'm working out in every weather. I'm blowing like a kite I'm loading up my mail truck That's how I do it right I'm coming to your neighborhood I'm gonna get you high So high Rain, sleet, or snow

It's the mailman Rain, sleet, or snow The mailman Rain, sleet, or snow You mean to tell me you guys weren't huge in Dallas? With your positive hip music? Oh, I love it, man. That's amazing. And I'm trying to get my career going again in music. Well, I think that mailman...

I think the Mailman song goes great with the banana in the hand. I think you should flip it and do the banana... Alright. I fucking love it. Patriot, you're always amazing. How's your week been? How's life? You know, remember I told you I was an extra on Parks and Recreation?

Yes. Well, they started filming again this week. I was down there three days. And you know who I really like from that show? Is Rashida Jones. She's the daughter of Quincy Jones, who produced the biggest Michael Jackson albums. And Rashida Jones, when she was a little girl, she was bit by Bubbles the Chimp, Michael Jackson's little monkey. Wow. And she still has the scar on her hand.

Oh, my God. Very interesting. So the sight of your banana must really freak her out, huh? Oh, yeah. She loves it. Patriot, I love you. Have you talked to the mystic gods of the universe? Do you have any new catchphrases for us?

I have a confession to make, Tony. I've been getting my weed from someone else now. Oh. Why is that? I knew I had to stop mooching off you. At first, when you gave me that weed, I I thought I'll just smoke it a couple days. But you showed me the way and now I'm a full-time stoner. Yeah.

Wow. Nice. There you go. I have a friend that I'm buying purple haze from on a regular basis. Wow. I love it. And the thoughts are coming quicker and quicker each day. You know how when you dream at night, everything seems real, all the things are people, but then you wake up and realize it was all a dream? Do you need somebody to take that banana out of your hand?

Josh has it. Oh my God. All right. Or you could just throw it wherever you want. Wow. Oh my god. Oh shit. Or you could just throw it wherever you want. I hope that didn't hurt anybody. Because one time I got hit in the face. In Dallas I would throw the bananas out of the crack. They would all play with them.

And then sometimes they'd throw them and hit me. There's a video on YouTube. You can see a banana hit me in the face. He's the only rock star that they throw the stuff back at him. That's so great. I like how they play with it first. He's the only rock star that they throw the stuff back at him. That's so great. I like how they play with it first. I would like to see a bunch of grown men in Houston, Texas,

playing with a banana. Oh, my God. Tony, is your thing shaped like a banana or an egg roll? A what? You're junk. What the fuck? Whoa. Oh, my God. Some guys have it shaped like a banana, but some don't.

Brian told me over this last weekend, he said that he noticed that I do this thing from listening to the podcast that I didn't know that I do. He said that I go, whoa, what the fuck? Yeah, you just do it. And I noticed I just did it right then. What the fuck? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck? Wow, that's interesting, man. I can't wait to dive more deeper into your music videos because there seems like there's a few on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Just when you couldn't get any more interesting, you tell us you were in an unsuccessful rock and roll band in 1992 in Dallas, Texas.

I didn't know you were so wrong to do my own songs because I was doing covers of others, but it took me a while to get the courage to do my songs. I think it all makes sense. Patriot, it's good to have you again. One more time for the Patriot. He's going to be with us all night. Making sure that we're all safe, even though he cannot move in that suit

whatsoever. It's a $4,000 suit with just looks. He has no idea where the microphone is at any point. He knocks that over. I saw you almost trip during the banana song. I saw that, right? I was trying to do some dance moves for the crowd. Yeah, you're restricted there on your

left by a stage. I know you can't see anything either. This is all real, everybody. The Patriots showed up before the second episode, and he's been with us every episode since. A full-time member of the Kill Tony team. Yes. I appreciate it, Tony.

You're really giving me my big break. Some guy in the bathroom started an applause break for you just then. I'm very excited about tonight's show. We are very lucky to have an amazing, as always, always fun special guest. This one, TV,

commercials, awesome comedian, great friend of mine put your hands together for the very talented Kevin Christie hi the man the myth and the legend I feel like I'm only one of those things but okay I'm just a man. And after you see a song like that, you feel more simple. You know what I mean?

You realize you haven't done enough. You haven't done enough with your life. You haven't produced enough art. I was looking at your art on your website today. Were you? And one drawing that took my attention was Adolf Hitler slipping on a banana peel. That's absolutely true. I drew a picture of Adolf Hitler slipping on a banana peel. That's absolutely true. I drew a picture of Adolf Hitler slipping on a banana peel,

and I feel like now you and I are sort of connected. Yes, we are. And I don't like it. I'll be honest with you. I'm going to find that drawing and burn it. I'll be honest. No. I mean, a lot of questions about your band.

Ask them. And Texas in general. Did anyone ever raise the question that this is the most racist song in the world at any point? What do you mean? Well, okay, what was the name? The two monkeys? Jacob and Letedra. What?

Letedra. Letedra. What? Letedra. Letedra is where it gets real racist. Jacob is a biblical name. You know what I mean? Letedra is where it goes a little Texas. I'll be honest with you. It gets a little. Did anyone raise that ever?

No? Nothing? No. I mean, it has kind of a jungle fever theme. Also a very racist term. Another extremely racist term that most people stopped using in the early 90s. Sometimes with the Patriot, the silence is the most golden thing. It's very telling.

All I know is I went to the grocery store every time I got bananas and I went to the show. And the people at the club started saying, don't bring the bananas anymore because they're getting in the speakers. They're getting over everything. And then I just said, that's my stick. I've got to keep bringing them. And I'd say, I'm not going to do it. And then I'd do it anyway. How many bananas would you bring?

A whole big bag. So it was a crowd. A bushel. Like this. I'd throw the whole banana out and everybody had a great time. Everybody had a great time. It was like a crab. A bushel. Like this, I'd throw the whole banana out, and everybody had a great time. Everybody had a great time. It was like a faggot of bananas. Who hates potassium?

I mean, no one has a problem with that shit. It's good vitamins, and it's also sexy. It's extremely, I don't know if it's sexy. To you, it is, but I feel like that's a stretch. That seems personal. Patriot, if you had to guess what the percentage of bananas thrown back at you would be, what percentage would you put that at? Yeah, that's a really good question.

Not that many. I mean, just maybe two or three. Most people just hold them in their hands and swirl them around like this. You can see it in the video. You can see what people do with it. Right, right, right. Oh, man.

So they whip them around. It's a very mystical fruit. So it was like Arsenio's show, but everyone had a banana. Yeah, yeah. Very good analogy right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they made chimp noises.

Again, the most racist visual I could ever think of is people making chimp... White people. I imagine your shows were only white people. Making chimp sounds and whipping bananas around?

Is that what was happening? Yes, yes. So it was like, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's terrifying. I'll be honest, that feels terrifying. Did you ever know

when you were writing this song, being in Texas, did you know a black woman named LaKeedra? No, but when I worked at Sears, I haven't. That's what you imagined? When you worked at Sears, you met a woman with that?

I had a black girlfriend at Sears. Whoa! You worked at Sears? Wait a minute, so it's sort of a love song. I worked in the paint department at Sears. You worked in the paint department? If you came in and you need some weather beater, I'd mix it up for you. I've bought paint at Sears. Yes, for the paint department? If you came in and you need some weather beater, I'd mix it up for you. I've bought paint at Sears.

How long did you guys date? She liked me more than I liked her, but it kind of got me in that jungle fever mood. I feel like that's a thing you should stop saying. Did she ever hear your banana song? Say you liked her. I don't know if it has to

involve a jungle. I feel like you liked her outside of a jungle, so you. I don't know if it has to involve a jungle. I feel like you liked her outside of a jungle, so you didn't have... I mean, Dallas isn't a jungle. You liked her in Dallas. You had Dallas fever. I feel like that's a better thing to say maybe about you being attracted to her. She liked you. Yeah. She didn't have jungle fever.

She just liked a white guy. Yeah. Why is it only jungle fever if a white person likes a black person? What is it called when a black person likes a white person? Just disappointing? Suburban fever. Just like a settling kind of compromise? Remember, Ari Shaffir said it was bestiality.

That's another, again, you're going to hang your hat on statements. Let's try to make them less. Look, it's your journey. I don't's try to make them less... Okay. Look, it's your journey. I don't want to tell you how to... See, people don't know if I'm black or white, so... We saw the video like 45 seconds ago where you're one of the whitest guys ever.

You look like Geraldo. Yeah, you're extremely white. You look like the lead singer of Foreigner or REO Speedwagon. It's that type of a... Who are your influences musically, do you think? Rico Suave? Gerardo, yeah. I don't...

It's the first laugh Gerardo's gotten in a really long time. You what? The Rolling Stones, Muddy Waters. Okay. And I like a lot of the 80s bands. I like B-52s. I like Duran Duran. Okay, okay.

I can see the B-52s influence in your music. Yes, yes. Or hear it, namely. Yeah, upbeat. Yeah, I like Duran Duran. Okay, okay. I can see the B-52s influence in your music. Yes, yes. Or hear it, namely. Yeah, upbeat. Yeah, I like everything. I mean, Tony, what did you do in Don's band? Did you play music? Yes, I played guitar in Don's band.

Oh, you can play guitar? And drums. Really? This is air guitar. And bass guitar. It's all air, though. Yeah. Oh, I'd love to see you play air guitar. By the way, the national championship of air guitar. And bass guitar. It's all air, though. Yeah. I'd love to see you play air guitar.

By the way, the national championship of air guitar is across the street. Always a fun thing to see. Yeah. Do yourselves a favor. What do you win? Like an imaginary check and an imaginary new guitar? You win an air trophy and air shame. Right.

Oh, yeah. Well, you want to start this party? Of course. As always, here what we do is we have a ton of comedians, and we're lucky enough for them to grace us with their presence for 60 seconds at a time. And then me and, as always, the panel here, we talk to them. They go from comedian to guest in no time at all. That's the

sound of 60 seconds. And if you run that 60 seconds, that's the 60 seconds. But if you run that for a bit, you bring out the very angry West Hollywood bear. You can see the chest hair. Bobby Lee says if you get to the West Hollywood bear, you get banned for a few months. Is that his rule or your rule? That. Bobby Lee says if you get to the West Hollywood bear, you get banned for a few months.

Is that his rule or your rule? That's Bobby Lee's rule. If anybody quotes Bobby Lee's rules, then you'd be banned for a few months. And who knows how long a few months could be? Could be thousands of months. Could be literally thousands of months. Metric system.

All right. So you guys ready to get this thing started? One more thing. Wait. Oh, you have one more thing? Your third co-host wants to make a point. But didn't Bobby Lee give you your start in comedy? He absolutely did.

He absolutely did. Oh, that's awesome. How'd you know that, Patriot? I was listening to a podcast today. Wow. Patriot's one of the greatest co-hosts in the entire business. Does his research every day.

I'm thinking all week about what I want to do. It's the only show I do. I love this show. One more time for the Iron Guys. How do you not applaud a guy who loves what he does? Love it. We love having you, Patriot. I told somebody earlier, I go, where's the, Because your bus was a little bit late

They go, are you going to start without the Patriot? I go, I would never fucking start without the Patriot How dare you How dare you How do you fit that much heart Into that suit Unless it was 830 So much heart

A lot of bananas Fuck yeah, well, here we go. I'm going to start pulling a name out of a bucket, and then that person's going to come on stage and perform for 60 seconds. Sometimes we tag your jokes, make them goofier. Sometimes we make them smarter. Sometimes we don't even tag a joke. We just ask you questions and come up with something funnier about you.

That's a long way to describe ridicule. This guy was up, I do believe, last week. He's back again. Put your hands together for Brian Moreno, everybody. Brian Moreno, let him hear it. Ah. Boom. Here he is.

What's happening, everyone? Yeah, I'm going to use a little of my time to dedicate it to Iron Man because at first I was in awe at the song because he's so dedicated. Then I realized, you know, this is a guy dressed in an Iron Man costume. Of course he's dedicated. Yeah, that went over well. All right.

I'm going to keep on the theme of my brother. The last couple of weeks I talked about my older brother who's gay. keep on the theme of my brother. The last couple weeks I talked about my older brother who's gay. And having an older brother who's extremely overt in his homosexuality, you get a lot of crazy questions, homophobic

things from your friends. But the one thing I've realized is that the line where homosexuality actually starts is very gray. It's not clearly defined. Because I ask all my straight friends, it's like if I give another guy a blowjob, just one, like don't like it, don't think about it ever again, don't want anything to do with it, does that make me gay? And all my straight

friends say the same thing. Of course, dude. If you give another man a blowjob, you're absolutely gay. Why? You want to suck it? But then I ask my gay friends the same question. If I give another guy a blowjob, just one, don't like it, don't think about it, don't, everyone will do it again. Does it make me gay? Well. Oh, shit. You brought out the fucking bear, man. Be careful.

I shouldn't have wasted my time on Iron Man. Oh, that's so true. I shouldn't have wasted my time on Iron Man. I'm honored, though. I'm honored that you included me. No, no, no. He was dedicated. I got to give it up to him. You know, man of the banana. Well, it came across as sort of like an insult. Yeah, it was coming across.

Were you thinking of the word committed as like put in a mental hospital as opposed to dedicated? Well, no. Because it came across like a dig a little bit. Well, because you know how like when someone performs, it's like if they bail out on their performance. He was committed. There's no way to half-step a huge plastic suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because at first I was in awe,

and then I'm like, this guy rides the bus here in an Iron Man costume. Of course. He can only take the bus. Because he can't sit down in the... I'm not fucking kidding, by the way. He has to stand. He cannot sit down in the... How did not fucking kidding, by the way. He has to stand. He cannot sit down in the...

How did you guys get here? Sitting down, pussies? I guess I have to mention... It's like a cable car. I feel like I have to mention that at the top of every episode. He has to stand. I didn't count that into my 60 seconds.

I apologize. I didn't bring the heat today. Well, you know, it's not about the heat. Sometimes it's about, you know... There's always... Sometimes before you're about to go on, sometimes before you're about to go on, but sometimes before I'm about to go on, there's these little things that you're listening to in a room and everything.

And you try to come up with an idea of something. And there's this measurement system. Right. How good is this? Right. And you, you try to measure that out, but no matter what,

in the end, you got to get your point across in some way. So like, But no matter what, in the end, you got to get your point across in some way. So, like, I guess my note would be that if your intention was to, like, give the Patriot a compliment, because it was way, it was directly in between compliment and insult. It was, like, right in the middle. I thought you were going to shit on him. And then you didn't. And I was like, oh, are you going to, I thought maybe you're going to take a dig at yourself.

This guy puts on a huge plastic suit, I can't even whatever, whatever, whatever. I didn't exactly think it through as much as I should have considered and I went for it. But I will say this, it's important to be present in the room. I think a lot of comics make that mistake where something weird happens on stage and they're next and they just go up and like, hey, how's it going?

So my parents, it's like, did you not see the fucking weird thing that just happened? And it makes you, to me, look like, it makes you look crazy. And yes, exactly. Because I think he's an integral part of your show. And if instead of moving forward when it doesn't go over, you know what I mean? Like if it was supposed to get a laugh or it was supposed to get an applause, it didn't get either. So at least you could have gotten the applause by saying, I don't think that came out right. Nothing but love.

You know what I mean? Like calling out at least what happens before going into a bit. It's about acknowledging the situation you're in to a certain degree. Because you're in a room full of live people.

They're not watching you on TV. Especially, the great thing about the comedy store is the open mic is so bizarre. So you're always going after, you know, 30% of the time

a total catastrophe. And if you don't, like, mention it, it's like, did you not see it? Can you not tell that's a total catastrophe? Like, you need, i feel like it's important to be present yeah but make sure what you're going to say is probably going to work because what you're already doing

by by bringing up what just happened is you are being present so by when if you don't have a direct ending at the end of you being present and you're about to be unpresent and go into material, you have to segue into that in some way. I give you a lot of credit because you're extremely sharp when it comes to creating a thought and being able to verbalize it within a short amount

of time. That's one of your staples. Another thing that I fall back on when that doesn't work is... Not necessarily humor because it's not always funny. Sometimes it's spiteful. Word efficiency is very important. I don't know what the ending of your

gay brother joke is. Very curious. I found myself, you're going a long ways to get to it. It was a 60 second joke. I have a gay brother. A lot of people ask me questions. A little too much pitter patter.

There's a little too much pitter patter. Well, Seinfeld always says like tags only. Like you can literally boil down a joke to just tag, tag, tag, tag, tag. I feel like there's just

a more, there's always a more efficient way to explain everything to the point where you have a joke where you literally can't take any words out anymore

because the joke won't make sense but you don't need any more. Totally. And I had a 60 seconds last week that I think was the epitome of that. I hit three points, but this week I tried to just extrapolate on it and it didn't work out. And I remember one of the notes

from that was get more into that gay brother thing. But what I want to say before we... Can I hear the punchline? Yeah, go for it. What is it? How far away are we from? No, I ask my gay friends. They're the same question. Am I gay if I blow one guy?

And they're like, oh my god, no, but Ryan, gay is who you are. It's part of your essence, part of your being. Why, honey? You want to try? So basically, do you want to... Same exact thing as the straight guy said. You gotta really trim up the front end. In the first 17 seconds, you can trim out so much. It was a lot of fat.

I have a gay brother. A lot of people ask me questions and I've realized myself there is no gray line or whatever it is that you say. That can be four seconds and right now it's 17. Do you make it in the joke that have you sucked one dick and that's why you're curious? Well, the first

time I ever performed that, someone asked me in the audience. They're like, did you try? Yeah. Which, by the way, one, you're not, by the way. If anyone's here is curious and wants to or thinking about it on the fence, I feel like you've got to get into the teens

before you're really officially a gay dude. There's so many different kinds of dicks. All dudes just want a blowjob. All dudes just want a blowjob. All dudes just want a blowjob. Just doing a friend a favor a lot of the time. You don't want him to go out and make a mistake with someone he doesn't know. All right, no, thank you guys. Brian Moreno, everybody.

Thank you guys very much. There he goes. At Brian Moreno 21 on Twitter. That's at Brian Moreno 21. Your next comedian always gets lucky. He's also a producer on this show. Big fan. Put your hands together for Josh Martin,

employee at the Comedy Store. Yes! Rising young, young. You got it. Hey, guys. I feel like my body's kind of... I have a weird body, I realize. I have a very weird body. I feel like it's's kind of... I have a weird body, I realize. I have a very weird body.

I feel like it's fucking with me, though. Like, I'm only 28, which is not old, but I feel like I'm old and young at the same time, and that's how my body's fucking with me. For example, I'm getting white hairs on my chest, which really sucks. It's pretty bad to get white hairs on your chest. But I just grew chest hair a year ago.

That's even worse. That's really bad. That's all I wanted to do. Okay. Okay. Can you say chest for me a couple more times? Chest. Chest. Chest. Chest. Chest.

Chest. Chest. Chest. Chest. Chest. Borderline southern. Yeah. I'm from the south, that's why.

Chest. Chest. To be fair, it's not just about you being from the south. It's a combination of Louisiana and speech impediment. Yeah. Or Cartman when he goes, No, I kiss my papa. Yeah. There is something very Cartman-y about you.

Can you say... You're a real buffet of bad speech. Without trying to sound like Cartman at all, can you just say, fuck you, Kenny? Fuck you, Kenny. I like how it goes up. Kind of a quiet moment from Cartman, but pretty authentic. Fuck you, Kenny.

Again, that's better. That was more natural. Wow. I was trying to speak normal. Are you really getting gray hair on your chest? I am. I'm plucking them out. Ow, what? Don't do that, man.

I keep getting a couple random white ones and I keep plucking them out because I refuse to go gray. That's weird, man. I have so much chest hair, but I got gray up here. I feel like it's odd that it shows up first at the chest. Usually it's like here. I have it here, but I don't have it here or down there. I get a few in my beard and my chest.

Science says that people with speech impediments get gray hairs on their chest first. We all saw that show in Discovery. Yeah. I read that last week in Speech Impediment Weekly.

Anyway. I think that's, I like, conceptually, I like that your body is a-fucking with you, and you have young, old, and yourself at the same time. I think you need a bunch more tags. Totally. I think it's a pretty fruitful concept or premise, and I think you're gonna tag this is you need like a bunch more tags totally yeah i think it's a pretty a pretty fruitful concept or premise and i think you could go with it i like the idea that as soon as your chest hair becomes old enough to know better it's killing itself like on your body like oh this body fucking sucks like as soon as it gains

the experience like it seems like your body parts as soon as they realize who they live on or like we're out okay like they're trying to die as soon as they realize who they live on, are like, we're out. Like they're trying to die as soon as possible. Right now, I've been trying to connect that to another joke that I just don't have enough time to do about trying to be a man. Right. That's interesting that you have man chest hair but no actual skills. Have you been looking at other places of your body now that you've had that white hair? I've been getting white hairs on my balls.

Oh, man. Are you serious? This feels like stress, dude. This does not feel like age. You're not old enough for this to be happening. It's definitely stress. It's just like one of the two. It's like you're Steve Martin but only from the neck down.

It doesn't make any sense. This shouldn't be happening yet. Like, are you stressed out? I guess. Life is getting better. Life's getting better? Okay, good. It's getting better.

You get high a lot? No. Get high more. And I don't even fucking do drugs, but seriously, dude. This seems... It's really weird. You have the body of a 70-year-old, the head of a 15-year-old, and the t-shirt of a 4-year-old.

Girl. 4-year-old. Cheers. Josh Martin, everybody. Josh Martin. Get a physical. Are you happy that he stopped talking about dick pills? Yes, definitely.

He kept saying dick peels. We're happy when anyone stops talking about dick pills. Yes, definitely. He kept saying dick peels. We're happy when anyone stops talking about dick pills. Chay-est. Chay-est. Chay-est. One more time for Josh Martin, everybody. I'm going to pick another name out now. And that name is Brad Sachs.

Brad Sachs. Let him hear it. Here he is, live in the flesh. Oh, hey. That's at Josh Martin comic, by the way, on Twitter, if you want to tag his white hair joke. Brad Sacks. Thank you, thank you. I recently got a haircut, and I did something cool.

I donated the clippings to a cancer foundation called Locks of Love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, so right now there's a dying seven-year-old with pubic hair for the first time. Thank you.

The best part was the smile on his face as I was gluing it on, which was wonderful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I got him a wig, too, because it would have been weird. And I told him, enjoy that wig. Just don't let anyone clip it for a drug test,

because you'll fail it. That's an Oxycontin joke, guys. Thank you. Thank you. That's all I got. You're going to be huge. You're going to be a big star. I feel like you switched the...

Thank you. I think you should switch the wig and the glue thing. Okay. Because the glue thing is stronger than the wig thing. Yeah. Yeah. I think you switch those. Wait, switch...

What do you mean? Put the gluing on him at the end or whatever. Okay. And put the wig thing earlier. Like in the middle it on him at the end or whatever. Okay. And put the wig thing earlier. Like in the middle? Yeah, in the middle. Okay. Yeah. But I like your instinct to stand there and say thank you during an awkward moment.

It's absolutely correct. Somewhere Jade London's doing like a big thumbs up. You did it, buddy! No, that's the right thing. Because anytime you do a dying child joke, you guys, you're going to get some moons and some people going, so you got to stand there like a fucking adult and be like, thanks.

Is that a thing that you're working on, that thank you? Is that part of your thing, or did that just happen coincidentally tonight? Sometimes I do that. Because I love how you use it. Because you're not, like, abusing it. No. And it's not too, like, get her done. But it's cozy, and you're playing it real.

Can there be two get her done, though? I mean, if we're being honest. I loved everything. Thank you, guys. The only thing I had a beef with was that you said, when you were getting real again, you said that was an Oxycontin joke thank you instead of thank you

because that's all I was paying attention to by the end. You had me trained by the end to love that thank you thing that you were doing. Yeah, it was Pavlovian. Totally. Was it too much? No, no, no. Anything you can find that's a mechanism like that like Jim Gaffigan's inside voice

they are invaluable. And the way that you're using it just like that I mean that's your mechanism like that like jim gaffigan's inside voice like they are invaluable and the way that you're using it just like that i mean that's your thing you're basically telling the crowd when to laugh and they'll do it after a while right they'll know it's like oh it's our turn like that's it's fucking anything you can do like that is smart yeah and no better time to have something like that than when you're going straight through the edge i mean a cancer joke yeah and then you're fucking with the cancer person that's all thank you gotta take the edge off like you're going straight through the edge. I mean, a cancer joke, and then you're fucking with a cancer person. That's all. You've got to take the edge off. Thank you.

You're totally expecting the place to just go crazy. Thank you. Take your seats. Take your seats. The response usually is mixed. It depends. It's always going to be. It made me laugh hard,

and I think that's all that matters. Well, thank you, Tony. Honestly. Because I'm selfish. Brad, I really, really like that. Keep working on that. Don't overuse it, but know now that you have that power. You pretty much just

claimed. Great power becomes great responsibility. You use it well. Talk to the Patriot about how to use power. Me and Tony, both being from Ohio, do you have any Ohio material? I don't. I don't. I'll start working on some.

You have a Cleveland Browns tattoo. Don't go back. Do you have a Cleveland Browns tattoo? No, I do not. Why the fuck do you have a Cleveland Browns tattoo? Don't worry about it. Just a fan? You lost a bet?

No, I am a fan. We don't have a football team here. I'm not even a fan? Just a fan. You lost a bet? No, I am a fan. Really? Yep. We don't have a football team here. I'm not even a fan of the Cleveland Browns, and I grew up 45 minutes away from them. I like hurting. Aww. Actually, I do too. It's weird enough, I became a Dolphins fan. Again, bad choice. Made no sense. Yeah. But that's

another thing. When you're Italian, and you were born around my age group, you were automatically a Dolphins fan, because Dan Marino was the only Italian player in football one of the only things my dad ever actually forced me to do was become a Dan Marino fan anyway

there you go Brad Sacks on Twitter that's Brad S-A-C-H-S on Twitter didn't really get to tag it. What was the thing again? He was talking about... Oh, cancer. A merkin.

That's called a merkin, by the way. When you have fake pubic hair, it's known as a merkin. Yep. So just, if you want to use it, that's what it is, just so you know. If someone's going to yell out merkin, you're going to think it's a heckle, and it's not. They're just happy. Maybe a funny thing was, don't worry, the glue wasn't permanent. Because neither's his life They're just happy. Maybe a funny thing was, don't worry, the glue wasn't permanent. Because neither's his life?

Because, right. Oh, I'm the problem now. Right. Because I'm just trying to help. My ex had it when I was Merkins and the cat, it was its favorite toy. Yeah. It's just so embarrassing when somebody comes over and the cat's playing with a fake pubic hair bush. It just looks like hair triangle.

Yeah. So many questions. Yeah. It was blue, though. Was it looks like hair triangle. Yeah. So many questions. Yeah. Was it blue, though? Was it blue irises? No. God rest her soul. Here it is.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, the one and only Jared Campbell. That's Jared. Jared Campbell up here. Here he is. Yes, sir. What was that? Price is Right shit? Jeopardy. Fuck it. Time's going. No. Here he is. him I seen the movie and he thought I was gay. He was like, niggas, you coming out the closet? Niggas, you gay? And I was like, no. First of all, the movie's nominated for Academy Awards, you dick. A lot of people watched it.

But as I got to explaining it to him, I realized if you take out the gayness of that movie, it's really just about a cheating cowboy. Happens all the time. But it got me thinking, what if you took your favorite shitty movies and you just added a gay beast story to them change the fast and the furious to the fast and the curious put a gay alien in Prometheus

put a transvestite in Juana man alright that's my theory box up I'd lose the Juana man yeah cause fast and Curious is a great play on words you can't start with that and give us nothing afterwards

right or end with that it's just too old of a reference you got it with with the first one you just said it

Fast and Curious Fast and Curious that's a great play field yeah you have a lot to play with yeah and I also think there's something

in the beginning about what's weirder, a black guy watching a gay movie or a cowboy film. Both odd. Or atypical. I mean, there's

only one, Blazing Saddles is the only one with like a, you know, I mean Django this year, and it took until like this year to have like a cool

western themed movie with a black star. They had the movie Posse. You ever seen the movie Posse? You've seen that? Of course I did. I used to like rap music growing up. Okay. To be fair,

I'm not as up on my black cowboy cinema as I probably should be. It also had rap in it too? A black cowboy western? Who was in it? There's no way Will Smith. Not Will Smith. There's no way Will Smith was in that movie. It was somebody, but I think the soundtrack or something.

For God's sakes. I can't remember. Uncle Phil wouldn't have allowed it. Dude, I used to wear starter jackets in high school. You have an eight ball jacket? Oh, yes. I forgot about the eight ball. Yeah.

Wow. There's so much that you can play with that joke. Other movie titles would even go into cartoons, like Disney movies. I think your job with this joke is going to look at the history of film

and try to really find... Because out there in the ether, there is the perfect three or four films to use as tags. But you're going to have to look at fucking movie after movie, and find like, there's, you know,

that thing, it's going to take some time, but there are like three or four movies that will make for perfect references. And you can kind of go into it. Not necessarily even play on words, just find the movies where the notion of a gay character

would be the most ridiculous thing imaginable. I mean, you could find it. Just look at gay porn titles. You could pretty much go into any of those. That's a good idea. Also, just looking at gay porn titles is a good time. Honestly, if you guys are at home and you just want to laugh,

please. What are we doing again? We're putting a gay character into straight movies. Don't let them be shitty. They can be good. Yeah, putting a gay twist in movies. Just that they aren't gay already. Maybe you could say Wizard of Oz

because it already sort of seems gay. Boys on boys in the hood. You could say that Oz is... Yeah. The Wizard of Oz except it's the prison Oz, not the land of... Because they butt-rape each other. A few good men who suck each other's dicks.

Boys on Boys in the Hood's better. That's a fun joke. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's when you just sit around with your friends, get three of your comic friends, and just get high or whatever, and just record That's when you just sit around with your friends, get three of your comic friends, and just get high or whatever, and just record it, and you'll come up with 30,

and then pick the three best, and then you're off to the races. See you in Montreal. The Rear Enders. No, that's the Avengers. The Rear Enders. The Outsiders, because we're gay and not accepted. Pony Boy.

Pony Boy, yeah. That just makes you think fucking. I'd love to see that cast make out. I mean, that was a good-looking cast of dudes. The original Outsiders, you got young Swayze running around, you got a young Ralph Macchio, Tom Cruise is up in that, Emilio Estevez. You don't tell me you want to see a fuckfest with those guys? I'm not even gay,

that's just beauty. You know what I mean? That's like watching a bouquet of flowers roll over itself. Do you think you'd still mention Emilio Estevez's name with those other guys had the Mighty Ducks movies not been made? No. I mean, I'm more a fan of him as a director. I enjoyed Bobby.

So, you know. He's got a weird handlebar mustache now. What was the one with the trash cans with him and Charlie Sheen? They were Men at Work. Oh, yeah. That one was always on HBO. There's Men at Work, also fucking. I don't know.

Men at Work who fuck. This isn't a play on words. Yeah, but there should be more movies that most people know. Like, two men alone in a fort. Or maybe the joke is, like, it would be so funny if you add the gay element to Top Gun. Wait, you don't have to. That's the gayest shit ever already. Watch the volleyball scene and jerk off.

Top Fun. Actually, if no one's heard it, Google Quentin Tarantino talks about Top Gun. It's one of the most amazing... He pretty much dissects Top Gun and explains... No matter where they are, every man's glistening with sweat and then a wife beater.

They could be covered in ice and they're still glistening and beautiful. The one main character starts dressing up like a guy halfway through the movie. I really can't even get into that movie at all. I've never really liked it. Everybody's always like, what do you mean? That's one of those generational things.

You're not old enough. You know what might be a good one? Two men, alone and naked, in the forest. Gump. There he goes, everybody. Jared Campbell. That's Jared Campbell, you guys. Q-U-A-Y. Somebody gave me a DVD

earlier. That's interesting. We'll talk about that later. Put your hands together for Emily Rose. Emily Rose, let her hear it! Is that a real person? That's also the name of a porn actor. Is there an Emily Rose here? her hear it. Is that a real person? That's also the name of a porn actor. Is there an Emily Rose here? Oh, snap.

Somebody has terrible handwriting. Wait. Who has the worst handwriting here? Does your last name begin with an R? Are you a doctor? What's your excuse? What's your name? No, that's Emily.

No, it's definitely not. That's totally it. But I like that you admitted it could be that fucked up. No, it's Steve Davidson, but I don't even know, man. So that means she is blacklisted. And when somebody gets blacklisted here, we say they get blacklisted. Boom.

That's when the Patri patriot makes a bunch of sounds and that person is blacklisted. And for this person, double blacklisted for having the worst handwriting I've ever seen. I feel like you forget the people you blacklist immediately. And if you're hot, Emily, we could talk about it after the show. Yeah.

It's a different stack. The fact that she's a girl means she's already sort of not blacklisted, let's be honest. Soft-handed, you're in. Is there any Emily here? Who leaves? So you know who that is. Didn't want to follow heat?

This person sounds truly outrageous. Put your hands together for Jem. Hello. My name is Jem. That's G-E-M. I like to travel. And anybody here lived abroad ever? I lived abroad in England, in London, England. Yeah, yeah. I lived there for 48 months. The last 35 months was in prison. Yeah, yeah. They don't like it when you come over there and you buy a bunch of methylene, dioxin, methyl amphetamine and then sell it to the Scottish guys.

They're not a fan, you know. It was readily prevalent, though, readily prevalent. But I had to call my father from prison. And for some reason, it went like this. Father, I'm having a spot of father. I've been nicked, father. I'm at Her Majesty's pleasure, Wandsworth, father. And for some reason, my dad responded with an English accent as well.

And he just said, bloody hell. All right. My name is Jem. Thank you. Give it up. Readily prevalent doesn't make sense. Yeah. Because if something's prevalent, that means it's like,

or I don't think you need both. Yeah. It's either readily available or readily prevalent. Or's either readily available or it's prevalent. Or it's prevalent. I got you. No wonder Emily left. Oh, come on. Burn. Facial disgracial.

So the crux of this joke is the accents. It was really like 60 seconds of drama. Yeah. And then you did an accent at the end. Sort of you surmised a episode of Lock Up Abroad. Yeah. Kind of.

Yeah. And then in the end you're all like, doopity doopity. Yeah. That was a pretty accurate impression of me. Thank you. Doopity doopity. What the fuck? Doopity doopity.

Nick. Tripoli said I'd do something about the prison, so that's where that came up. I mean, I guess there's something... To me, I guess there's something interesting about the notion of are people in British prison more polite? Right. Or is it that you think they're going to be polite,

and it's just when they rape you, you get tea? I don't know. Right. I mean, like, what exactly? You do get tea. They make sure you have tea. Do you have tea every day? They give you tea.

Is there a legit tea time in jail? They bring you water for tea every night. Wow. Yeah, they do. And if you're mad at somebody, you fill it with sugar and then pour it on them, and then that scalds them dramatically. Wow. Yeah.

Sugar. Yeah. Did you ever see that happen to somebody? Were you surrounded by soccer hooligans? Was that a lot of that? There was a lot of foreign nationals, actually, in English. A lot of Americans. Jamaicans.

Drugs. Eastern. Yeah, all drug stuff. All drug stuff. And then occasionally somebody that had cut off somebody's head or something. Right. Right. Like you do.

Yeah, yeah. When you're upset. Yeah. A lot of them don't have teeth out there, so at least the blowjobs would be a little bit better. Right, right. Like you do. Yeah, yeah. When you're upset. Yeah. A lot of them don't have teeth out there, so at least the blowjobs would be a little bit better. There you go.

You know, I never had sex in prison, so I don't, you know. Okay. I guess I believe that. Anyway. I'm too good to get a toothless blowjob.

In that case, we should just move on, because I believe everything you're saying right now. You've got to learn how to travel better, experience stuff.

I didn't try the food or the blowjobs. Thank you. My name is Jim. Don't walk away. What are you waiting for? I thought you said you were done. You said you were going to move on. I'm not offended at all.

Say whatever you want. I didn't say I'm moving on. Is that what you're going to do if you ever get called to Carson's couch, huh? You know what, Johnny? I'm out of here. Absolutely not. I thought that you said that you were moving on to the next person.

I didn't want to offend, you know? I just wanted to do that Johnny Carson joke. I want everyone to stop yelling. Please stop yelling. I'm not a person that enjoys yelling. Thank you, Kevin. Snitches get pinches. If only prison were like that,

that would be the best. Are you told on it? I shouldn't have snitched. I feel like you don't. Just get to the fact that you're in prison and then get to the thing with your dad and develop the dad stuff more. So you didn't mind the voices then?

I didn't mind them. I mean, I would get better at them there are British people you guys are British correct yeah that seems very racist and those accents bothered you for sure right

they said I sounded like Dick Van Dyke when I was in yeah Mary Poppins exactly that's what they said. Yeah. So I would watch better British films. Yeah. OK.

Yeah. All right. I will get into some Downton Abbey. Yeah. Downton Abbey is good. I'm waiting on season two right now to come out. Wallace and Gromit. Wallace and Gromit is a perfect place to start.

If you could somehow tie. That makes me have flashbacks of prison. So no. No. Wallace and Gromit. Cramp and T. Gromit. Oh God. No. Don't. Weave. If you could somehow tie going to prison... That makes me have flashbacks of prison, so no Wallace and Gromit. Cramp and Tee, Gromit. If you could weave Wallace and Gromit

into a joke about going to jail for drug dealing, that would be something. Okay. When you were in prison, were you a Wallace or a Bottom? Were you a Wallace or a Gromit? Yeah, Gromit's got to be a Bottom.

Jim, thank you so much. There you go. Well done, sir. All right. You've got a lot to talk about. I mean, only you have been in a London prison, man. Yeah, that's the thing. That's a pretty, don't, you know, get into that.

Right. Every once in a while, somebody comes up that we could spend an hour on. Yeah, you went to jail in a place where there's a queen. That's weird. Oh, yeah, totally. So bizarre. You had a barrister.

Patriot, what did you think? I think that's a vast well of jokes right there. And he listened to Sam finally, because Sam suggested he talk about the two years in prison. So I think it's a step forward this week. Boom. There you go. It seems like it would be easy. 35 months.

It seems like it would be easy to break out of the prison. Don't there are guards that can't talk or move? Yeah, they can't move. The guards literally just stand there. They stand there like you just walk by. Just like red-clad microphones. Oh, no, he's getting away. Wish I could help.

I'm bound by duty. Oh, that's so great. Jem, are you listening to this? Yes. All right, there you go. Get a pen and paper. Yeah, there you go. The guards can and paper. Yeah, there you go. The guards can't leave.

You stayed of your own volition because you felt guilty, but because you could have left any time because the guards aren't allowed to smile or move their arms. They didn't even lock the gates. They just stand and they go, ah, Christ, another one. Would you like some toast for your adventure? Perhaps a Triscuit or a biscuit? Before you leave like the rest

I'm so lonely, there's no prisoners here anymore You can't just run away, who's going to feed you? Take some of this food How does this prison stay open with no inhabitants? By the way, before I pull the next name I just want to give a special shout out. Put your hands together for John and Charlie, our British consultants here tonight.

I met them before the show. They actually extended their stay here in America to be able to catch Kill Tony with us tonight. And that's some fucking awesome shit. Positive push. Thank you so much. Super Death Squad wearing the bright Bert Kreischer t-shirt.

We got gifts for you, yeah, it is. We got gifts for you or something? Oh, yeah, we have something. We'll figure something out. Okay. You want my iPhone? Would you like the special guest's iPhone? Give him my fucking iPhone.

You got it. Done. In fact, I'll give you two of his iPhones. I don't give a fuck. Don't look at the pictures. This is definitely a new name or else I'd remember it. I'm excited to see what happens here. Put your hands together for Jay Light.

Jay Light, let him hear you guys. Thanks, guys. My name is Jay Light. I work as an academic content freelance writer, which is fancy talk for I do rich kids' homework for them because alcohol plus money times entitlement equals laziness. That's where we're at. It feels like a writer stripper. That's how I feel because I'm working in my underwear. I got frat boys throwing money at me and I'm

ashamed to tell my parents. They don't like it. I had one girl, she wanted to get a revision on her paper after I wrote it, which I'm fine with, that's part of the job. But I wasn't fine with the way she phrased it. She said, this is really, this is near your good writer, I like your style, you're savvy, but I just don't think this was for me. Can you find me someone more qualified? Smiley face. You were paying me so that you can get drunk and suck dick this weekend in a dorm room somewhere

instead of writing your ethics paper. I think you need to look at what qualified means. I wish it could have been that guy in that dorm. He's been like, hey, listen, you're doing a great job. Really appreciate the way you suck it on the balls a little bit there. That's tickling. But I think you need me to find me a qualified planer. Oh, my God.

He just comes out quicker and quicker Every week he comes out quicker I swear to god it used to take 15 seconds for this bear to come out After the cat He's eager All this prison time They don't even know when it's coming

Oh my god Oh alright Oh what the fuck is that? That's powerful. Jay Light, everyone. Fuck yeah. There's a lot there. There's a lot there.

And what's most important when you're going to unload a topic like that is to really make it clear up front exactly what you do. I didn't know that existed. Right. So I think probably most people were like, oh, what? Like, I think you need to spend more time explaining what it is. Have a few joke tags in there.

Because then by the time you get to writing stripper, they're like, why? Like, they didn't understand necessarily the structure of what you do initially. So the analogy doesn't necessarily ring true. Why didn't I know this in college either? This is really annoying. I mean, I had my friend Tron do a paper for me in high school, but I didn't know I could

pay people. His name was really Tron. He was Vietnamese. Wow. Trong. Smart motherfucker. I mean, there's so much to that. Again, just like being in prison in London, just like, you know. Job you hate. You're talking about class structure, rich kids.

I feel like you don't need to make her sucking balls. Yeah, that was kind of harsh even though the joke made sense. And honestly, sucking someone in college, everyone's putting their mouth on everything. That's just normal shit. To make it negative makes you kind of more of a prude. You know what I mean?

God bless her. She's out there doing her thing, having a good time. The people that she's doing it to are having a good time. They're probably returning the favor. Like, that's just college. That's just fine. I would hope they did return the favor. Yeah, but I mean,

you make it negative, like, I'm sorry I have to write your paper while you're sucking balls. It's basically, you're saying, I'm sorry I have to do something unfun while you're having the best time ever. And that's what I was thinking.

I was thinking of you sitting there, like, going, God damn, I wish I could get my dick sucked. Like, I was picturing, I was feeling bad, but I was also feeling like, oh, this guy's angry wish I could get my dick sucked. Like I was picturing, I was feeling bad, but I was also feeling like, oh,

this guy's angry. Maybe you realize no matter how good this paper is, you'll never get a blow job from it. Like you can be the best fake academic, like the best fake writer ever, and it's never going to get you laid ever. That may be something. But there's so much there,

I think you've got to break it in like four parts and then work on one part at a time for a little while. There's so much there. How do these people find you? It's a company that I work for. They search for the company and then they just submit their prompt and then we get to pick and choose which ones we want to write. They give you a

treatment basically and you write their paper. Pretty much. Are they basically an essay or term paper? Yeah, it's essays. It's some term papers. What are you writing about? What was the last one you wrote about? The last one I wrote, it was a nursing paper. Is it like a bidding thing? Is it like, hey, 75 bucks. No, it's just a flat rate for the paper.

How much? And then 10 bucks a page, and then you get a bonus if it's like a short deadline order. 10 bucks a page? God, I would be fucking all over this shit. I want to go back to college. That's so fucking cheap. It really is cheap, man. I mean, joke writing, What do you charge for page?

Wow. You don't want to know what writer's guild minimum is. It's pretty. It's pretty. No, not guild. I mean, if a comic rolled on you and was like, hey,

you want to help me write jokes? I would tell them that they have to pay writer's guild minimum. I stick to my union. That's cool because they don't stick to you. Well done.

No. You know, I mean, I don't know. It really depends on who the person is. Well, yeah, your friends, you know, but strangers. But if it was a rich person, like what we're sort of talking about, like for hire, for a page. I charge $500. That's exactly what I was going to say.

In fact, I just did that for a roast last weekend in Vegas. $500 a page. Just some guy that, it was really interesting, some guy that owns it was really interesting, some guy that owns horses. Kentucky Derby winner guy. I wrote jokes for the guy who owns the Grove. Wow. Or built the Grove or whatever.

See, that's funny. Yeah. That's a really interesting guy. You couldn't, but you couldn't be funny on any level. Really? That's the problem. That's what this guy was, he was talking to me on the phone like,

Tony, seriously. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck I would do without you. You can't say baby cunt and for the one for the Shriners I'm talking to Shriners it was interesting you got to break that up dude there's too much in it and I think there's it's a confusing thing

that people didn't know was there so you got to educate him before you can make him laugh totally but just tag I work for you know but I think the most important thing is the class differential in that joke. You're poor,

so you have to help the rich pretend they're smart, of which they're not, because they're rich kids. People hate rich, that's the thing, everyone hates a rich kid. So you have a villain,

you have a villain you can shoot at, but just don't go for the normal ways to attack them by making them sluts or, you know, that kind of thing. Find other ways, because there's so at but just don't go for the normal ways to attack them by making them sluts or or you know that kind of thing find other ways because there's so much you don't hate her and no one really hates sluts they're great but like no you don't hate a rich kid because she's a slut you hate her for the white beat the white mercedes she got when she was 16 like it's it's all money-based the fact that she's down to fuck just makes her cool what could the i mean he

has a pretty good joke there at the ethics paper. What could it be other than sucking dick that fucking cunt bitch or whatever he said? Jeez, Brian. She's rich. Once you cover that other part, once you cover the part that they're talking about, you can almost go back in the end and go something like

this chick doesn't have to do her paper. I'm struggling. She's got a Mercedes. She's out sucking dick. I want to be sucking dick. Do you know how bad I feel lying about writing an ethics paper?

That's essentially what you're saying. You're dishonestly writing an ethics paper, which is unethical and apparently hilarious. Thank you. Maybe knee-deep in dick. Knee-deep in dick's a fun phrase.

There's so much there. You have a completely original premise. So congratulations on your job. $10 a page? Raise your price. Do you get rated like, oh, this guy has five stars? No, it's blind choice. It's up to the writers to choose the actual paper.

What is the point of college at this point? Does anyone ever go higher? Do they bid higher if they need it done tomorrow? Do you get return customers? I guess I'm sure we have return customers. I had to write. How often do you plagiarize their plagiarism? Where you're like, I don't have time.

You just steal someone else's. Not yet. Because that's what they really deserve. You steal a really famous one. They're like, oh, it's on physics. And you get Einstein's. Here's your theory of relativity. And just put their name on it. Did you graduate from college?

Yes, I did. Clearly. How long ago? A year ago. Perfect. So you're still in college and you got out of college and now you're in college. Yeah. That's like fucking crazy, man. Like, what'd you go to college for?

To stay in college? Yeah, you graduated college and now you still do homework. That fucking sucks, dude. The only good part about graduating college is... Yeah, do you hate sex? What's the problem? When did you decide that my look

would be the way to go as far as making it in entertainment? You're not wrong. You're not wrong. I'm just curious. You look like me. We didn't have a choice. All the fun and all the pussy,

and you said, you know what I love about this college thing? Essays. All work. I love all the work. You know what's going to get me laid? Essays. Let's do this.

Let the pussy avalanche begin. Jay, you have a very interesting premise. Yeah, man. And you're young as fuck. You're going to get me laid. Essays. Let's do this. Let the pussy avalanche begin. Jay, you have a very interesting premise. Yeah, man. And you're young as fuck. You're going to be fine. Oh, totally. Thanks, guys. Jay Light, everybody.

Jay Light. He's at Diet Jay on Twitter. That's Diet Jay. Going to be asking you for a job in six years. Yeah, he's definitely got that kind of a... Yeah, he'll do fine. Totally. Showbiz charisma.

Put your hands together for Parker Searfoss. Great name. Yeah, totally, right? Great name. That's another one I have. Great name. I don't think I've seen this before. Thank you, guys.

Thank you. We have gay athletes now. That's a cool thing. That's weird. The first guy to come out that was an athlete, being gay, was a basketball player. And I always thought I would be a pitcher. Not,

no, not because of that. But because he spends 90% of the game staring at the catcher's dick. That's his entire job. If you decide you want to be a pitcher, there's a little part of you that has to like looking at his dong i've ever watched like a pitcher in slow motion on espn it's just like Oh yeah, that's the one.

And he just rockets it right in there. Thanks guys, I'm Parker Zerifos. Very funny. Okay. I support this. Making sports gayer. Pitchers lick their fingers too. You did a lip thing, but I feel like, you see it all the timeitchers lick their fingers, too. You did a lip thing, but I feel like, I mean, you see it all the time.

They lick their fingers. Like, really, that's where that's going to live. Just like a, like, really go there. Would it be too much to put it in? There's no such thing as too much. Man, you got the spanking ass shit that they do. You got all that crap. They touch their dick first. They pick up a little dirt, an animal And then they lick their hand

There's something I think to the notion that you're staring at the catcher's dick And his dick is where His dick tells you what to do It's your commander Because that's where the signals come out It's like I gotta stare at your cock so I know what you want from me You gotta read the dick You gotta read the dick

You're like a dick translator Yeah It's like that gay pitcher would be answering the question, like, how many fingers do you want in an asshole? Like, one. Three. That one sounds good. Spread wide.

And you're like, fuck yeah, dude. Two, but over here. Meet me in the dugout. Knuckle ball. Let's do this. And they share secrets. Just goes. Yeah, they always come up to each other.

They have little talks. I had a thing about that. I just didn't think I had time. You look really pretty today. And then they go back. That's fun. Again, there's a lot here. I don't care that you have a mask on.

You're still about to get real messy over there. Here comes my screwball. There's things. Yeah, and what if the catcher did the F-U sign as a signal? What the fuck? It is a fun thing to confuse the audience sometimes and have them go,

what's this happening? This doesn't, no, it's a good non sequitur. Fucking love you, Iron Patriot. God damn it! But yeah, I think, I think the key is to have

so much fun with it that you don't, no one knows you're not a homophobe. And also, there aren't now gay athletes. They're just allowed to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I take that out in the mean because now we have gay athletes. We always did.

We just now they're allowed to be. Find a better come in. Just don't fall into all the traps of the hacky voice. Like gay people. Yeah, or don't talk about the ball. I thought for sure it was like he handles balls all day and I was real glad that's not what you said. Just don't fall victim to any of those things.

Whatever your first idea is, throw it away and then go to the fifth. Yeah, but definitely the conversation thing. I like that. And then the fingers. Matching outfits. Everyone's wearing a special hat. They always talk whenever the pitcher's upset it seems too, so like it could be a support thing.

Yeah, that's what he was talking about. He would whisper. Sometimes their friends gather around him, like gay dudes at a gay bar, like, you're doing fine. You know, you guys are cute together. You're our favorite couple. And then they go, you know, he goes back to it. Sometimes they call the whole infield in, like, guys, guys, we need your support. Come on.

Yeah. It's basically the, yeah. Getting a third base with a bunch of guys. And then they break up publicly and they bring in a new pitcher. The relief pitcher. The relief pitcher. The closer. Not only are they coming out of the closet, they're coming out of the bullpen.

It is weenie night. Or whatever. Can I get a footlong? Opening day. See, you're already on the right track. Somebody's about to get some bobblehead. And we have a winner. At Fearsauce on Twitter.

Tweet more of those gay picture tags to at Fearsauce. I can't believe you got to be... One sec. Is your Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirt ironic or sincere? Honestly, I just like the way it looks. You just like the tight fit on your good body. Whatever.

I'm with you. If I was in shape, I'd do the same thing. I love it. I feel like this is pretty constructive so far. Oh, totally. I feel really positive about what we've been doing. Oh, absolutely. We haven't been mean.

You know what I mean? Well, you know. Well, look. I mean, sometimes the truth is hard to hear. Hey, you guys, remember what Tommy Morris said? Let's try to never remember what Tommy Morris said. But listen, he was on our show and he said... He doesn't even remember what he said.

He said it's a sin to praise mediocre comics. Wow. Okay, it's a sin to praise mediocre comics. Wow. Unless they can get me weighed. Your next comedian's name is Kyle Everett. Okay. Kyle Everett is blacklisted.

Someone doesn't want to learn, and that's sad. Okay. Okay. Save the car. Scott Kidd. Scott Kidd, let him hear it. Oh, shit. Howdy, howdy, howdy. How y'all doing?

Let me just zip up real quick. I don't want to be out exposed to all that shit. What the fuck? I'm going to pay an homage to the Brokeback Mountain concept, but I'll get to that in a second. I know I'm on the time. You're running out of seconds. Yep.

Army strong? Why the fuck do they call it army strong? What the fuck? Army strong. Army mad. Army smash. I just imagined a bunch of incredible hulks in the middle of the desert punching out sand dudes but the whole thing about incredible hulk one of the movies was directed by ang lee who also directed broke

back mountain when i found out that shit i was like oh my god this is perfect how about broke back marvel you have the incredible h Hulk and Thing from the Fantastic Four sitting side by side at a campfire. It's sunset. They have glittery, sparkly spurs and assless chaps and little tiny hats. And the Incredible Hulk looks over at Thing and says, You wouldn't like me when I'm horny. And the Thing looks over at the Incredible Hulk and says,

It's slobbering time! I just want you to keep that image in your head of a big, green, radioactive penis slamming into a brick wall of a face. Thank you, I'm Scott Kidd. Oh my god, Scott Kidd. Holy shit. Good thing I wasn't too mean earlier.

Kevin? Iron Patriot, do you want to take this one? That was about as funny as a heart attack. Did you two work that out before the show or something? No, I just felt like I say, Patriot, you want to take this one. I feel that was a very comic universe heavy joke.

Iron Patriot being the most heavily invested into the comic universe. Definitely. And also heavily vested. You son of a bitch, you did it again. 60 pounds. Nothing but strikes with you. But I felt like Iron Patriot would either like it the most or take the most offense. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Well, you got a lot going on there. Yeah. A lot. We've seen a lot of wouldn't it be weird if a gay thing was in this thing. Gay meets Marvel. Gay meets picture. Gay meets a lot of wouldn't it be weird if a gay thing was in this thing. Gay meets Marvel. Gay meets picture. Gay meets a lot of things. Gay meets prison.

Gay brother. Everything up here has been gay so far. Which either means we have a lot of latent homosexuals on this lineup, or that premise needs to be less prevalent. Where's that word again? Jem, did you see how that was used properly? I mean, yeah. I just, I don't know. I always, when I see a dude going the, like,

wouldn't it be weird if things were gay route, it's just, gay's not weird anymore. That's the best thing. That's what's nice about it now. It's gay's not as weird as things used to be, and a lot of times you can feel the references coming. They're all going to be sexual. They're all going to involve putting things in other things.

Chaps. Yeah, chaps. Then you mix it with Marvel. Sparkles. I bet he says big and green any second. It's like big and green. I bet he mentions a wall. I like the idea of putting the Incredible Hulk a place that he normally wouldn't be.

That I'm fine with if you want to just talk about it. Because you clearly like comic books, correct? Sure, why not? Okay, do you not like comic books? I don't know if I need to be patronized. No worries, no worries. Still not an answer. No worries. What was that dance you just did when you said no worries, no worries?

No worries. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Trying to be nice over here. Trying to hold a lot of things in. Just trying everything. Just trying to hold in the rage. But yeah, I just think make it more about comics and less about the Hulk's green dick.

And what was the whole thing about you zipping up your jacket? What happened there? You had your jacket sitting over there. Because I know that joke wasn't sponsored by Puma. No. You acted like you had to get in your NASCAR before you took off.

I just didn't want to expose the Belgians. Show me what you were Did you think it was going to distract from that unlistenable joke? Probably. Let me see. It's like a Billy Band from Belgium. That's not going to distract anyone. So much better than your jacket.

Really? To me, the jacket thing says to me, I don't believe in this joke. So I need to. We need to be firing on all believe in this joke so I need to we need to be firing on all cylinders because this probably isn't going to go well so if they see the t-shirt I'm definitely fucked I think

you clearly want to write a joke about comic book characters being in the wrong place take all the gay stuff out put them in somewhere else because A it'll be a way more usable joke that's like a TV joke if you find a good angle on it. And it's more fun for everyone. It's less about

stuff that, to me, gets to a place that's a little... If you're going to be fucking homophobic, bring it so hard that we're forced to laugh and then feel guilty. You know what I mean? Where you feel bad. When someone tells... When I see a joke that maybe isn't bad, like politically incorrect, if it's so funny, you laugh

and you're like, oh, I feel bad. That was so great. You know what I mean? Like, either go that far, but don't, like, dip your toe into maybe doing things that you're like, eh, I don't know. Yeah, when it's not a real story and none of us, all of us knows this didn't really happen. Yeah, you're being conceptual.

It has to be something that we're on board with, not one where just, like, this this is like, why am I listening to this? Yeah, if you're being conceptual and saying, wouldn't it be weird if this happened here, push the conceptual aspect of it as opposed to making it everyday, which is kind of like those gay jokes are pretty everyday gay references. So take it to a place that's hyper-conceptual. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Oh, I started in 2005. Okay. Oh, Jesus. Alright. Everyone has their own path. But actually, I've heard the... I was just a 36 year old new face. It takes a while sometimes. No, the whole Ang Lee reference, I heard that because of the other movies that he made. He made it so real. It's so true.

It takes a fucking long time. It was the oldest new face of all time. How old are you, Scott? I'm 29. Oh, you're fine. You're still a kid, Scott. Yeah, that's fine. Wow.

Have you been doing it the whole time since 2005? I did take a break. Was it a seven-year break? It was a six-and-a-half-year break. Oh, well, then you've been doing stand-up two years. Yes, so you don't answer people 2005. Yeah, don't do that. If you stop for more than six months,

you don't get to add them together, and you shouldn't want to. No, no, you've been doing it how long since you started again? A year or two? Probably like four years. Four years, okay. Still a while.

But what I'm saying is... I would say six months from now on, by the way, no matter what the answer is. Give yourself a fresh start. Trim the gay fat on that guy. Just trim the gay fat. Very good.

I've heard... And next time you want to zip up your jacket, take the whole fucking jacket off because you need to go through some shit. You're comforting yourself too much. Free yourself up there. You're comforting yourself too much.

You got hand movements going on. Just relax. Yeah. You need to go against the grain. You need to throw yourself to the wolves. No one wants to see a comedian who looks fearful. That's the one thing I know for sure. No one wants to be like, so jacket. It's not sexy. There he goes. Scott Kidd, everybody.

Scott Kidd, let him hear it. Before we get to our final segment, I had a guy come back from last week. Come on up here, buddy. I forget his name. The amazing thing about this guy is that, and that's why it's interesting that I forgot his name, is that I find him, I find myself just

daydreaming about anything else every time he's behind the mic. What's your name again? Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee, everybody. Here he is. Let him hear it. Here he goes. Before he goes, let me explain. Is he your only regular?

No. We have a whole regular thing that happens after this. I told him last week to come back because all we talked about last week after his set was how I couldn't remember anything that he talked about because every time he starts talking, I just start zoning out about other shit. It's very bizarre. Like men in blacks. Yes. So I told him

to come back just that I could test this thing to see if I could possibly even pay attention to what he's saying. So here he is. Tommy Lee, everyone. Man, I have a big problem with people always falling asleep on me, Tony. It happens a lot. When I was in college, I was the shittiest club promoter ever because people would literally just, like, walk away from me and just zone out at the exact same time.

Like, I couldn't even get away with, like, free drink tickets. It was so bad. But I always noticed that the best club promoters are always black dudes, right? Because black dudes, like, they just have so much confidence. They can just win you over. Like, they just knew how to hype shit up even if it sucked. They're like, hey, man, hey, man, I'm to hook you up, because you're always getting hooked up somehow. I don't know why. Every black person has a hookup. It's like, hey man, this club, we

got bitches, we got bottles, we got two-for-one shots, we got bitches everywhere. We got Patrona. It's like, dude, this Flyers is Chuck E. Cheese's, man. I'm not really sure if it's really going down like that. Yes, my little cousin's turning 12. We got bitches, we got bottles, we got Chris Brown hitting bitches, we got Charlie Sheen doing coke off bitches. It's all there, man. Bitches. I'm like, alright, let's go, man. What's up, guys? Thank you. I was able to last about 20

seconds that time, and then I just zoned out. Kevin, Kevin, he's done with his thing you can put on your phone. What happened? He with his thing. You can put it on your phone. What happened? He did his thing. Are we at the Death Squad show? What's going on here? Oh my god.

I honestly think that you're right. They do oversell shit. That's funny. You made it through? Oh, Brian. That made me so pleased. I think the Chuck E. Cheese thing, I don't believe it at all.

So that's where you lost me when you said it was Chuck E. Cheese. But maybe there's something there where you can... What you were saying, I followed you this time. I didn't follow you much the other times. But I... I want to know how you feel towards black gentlemen.

Like, you're saying they're so good at selling things, but how does that make you feel? Does it make you feel inadequate? Does it make you feel like... Do they annoy you? Do you like it? Do you try to emulate it? How does it actually affect you as opposed to just kind of

copying it and saying, this is what it sounds like? I guess I want to emulate it. Okay. Okay. Why? Because it's awesome and I can't do it. Okay. What's awesome about it?

The fact that it's working or the fact that it sounds cool? The fact that it's working and I couldn't do it. Like when I tried to do it, I was really bad at it. But it's like these guys, they were just always so much better at it than me. And like they were just, I don't know. So like when you would try, how would that come out? You were like a cuckolded husband. When I tried out, I would just be like...

Not a lot of people know what cuckolded is. I guess I wouldn't get too excited about it when I was selling it to them and stuff. I would just go and just kind of do it. Hey, there's this club if you want to go, I guess. Hey, yo, what up, girl? I guess I was too honest about the club stuff, too. There's a drink special. Hey, yo, girl, would you want to go, I guess. Hey, yo, what up, girl? I guess I was too honest about the club stuff, too.

There's a drink special. Hey, yo, girl, would you like to go to a club tonight? You can go or not. I mean, whatever. There's a black guy over there you should talk to. That's my roommate. Maybe instead of Chuck E. Cheese, it'd be like Leroy's Chicken Shack or something. Oh, my God.

What the fuck? When you think the racism has calmed itself down. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? That's unbelievable. How do you fit a whole clan hood under that suit? Yeah. I love the brothers.

I love the brothers. Another thing that no one would say who love the brothers. I love the brothers. Another thing that no one would say who loves the brothers. I love the brothers. Yeah, I love the brothers. They don't like it when you call them that on any level. I was hanging out on one of my homies' front yards the other day. With the brothers. They're just like you and us.

I was burning a cross, but anyway, would you like to hear my banana song again? Sit back and have some chicken. Leroy, come on, man. What are some other things that you think black people do, Iron Patriot? Let's ask the million-dollar question. Let's not ruin his life. He likes watermelon.

Okay, okay. So does everyone else. It's fucking delicious. They don't like to swim. All right. I can't wait to see what the fifth one from now is, Kevin. That's what I'm getting at. Keep blowing through, Impatriot. Didn't you see Chris Rock's documentary

Good Hair? No, don't quote Chris Rock. Do not drag him into this shit. The female brothers won't get in the pool. The female brothers. Tommy Lee. So what you're saying is the transsexuals, black

transsexuals do not enjoy swimming is what you're getting at. Transgender. Transgender, I apologize. What the hell? What the fuck? The female brothers? The chocolate ladies don't like to swim. Oh dear God. Chocolate ladies. You're going to have to leave LA. Yeah.

The chocolate ladies. Yeah. What are you going to do? Throw the.A. Yeah. The chocolate ladies. It's your security guard. Yeah. What's he going to do? Throw the banana down while he's running away? Jesus, Brian. You'll never catch me after you slip on this banana peel. And or eat it. Or throw it at me like my fans used to in 1992.

Or try to resell it. Fans, plural? I feel like that's a stretch. All right. There's Tommy Lee. Tommy, that was a vast improvement. I was able to catch some of it. I could tell it existed, which is good.

I love, I love, love, love, love, love Kevin's note of taking an approach at it. Get it. Make it personal. Yeah, totally. Always make it personal, I think, is a good note. Totally. Or else you're just doing an impression of a black guy. Otherwise, it's just a joke.

The only way to be unique is to be yourself. There he goes. Tommy Lee, everybody. It's time for our final segment of the night. This is always exciting. This is where we take our two regulars, two lovely ladies who, in one way or another, started their comedy career here with us.

First, as always, put your hands together for Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. It's Sarah Mostajabi. Boom. Hey, guys. You know, video games kind of define my sexual identity. It's crazy, but when I was about 13, I always dreamed when I would finally get a pair of those sweet-ass Lara Croft triangle titties.

Whenever those would just grow in, I'd throw it and wear it. I love to play fighting games, you know, because there's just no better feeling than beating up a dude wearing a schoolgirl outfit. It was just the best feeling. I think it made me a little bit of a pedophile, but I'm into it, you know, and that's why the way I dress I do. My hair, everyone always is very interested about my hair and why it looked like I fell asleep in the garbage disposal, but it's cut like this from Final Fantasy XIII, which means I went through about 12 fantasies

before I'm like, all right, let's make this a fucking reality. Yeah. So that's it. That's it. That's it. All right. Okay. This is getting harder like

every week it's getting harder of course of course it is it's getting so hard welcome to doing stand up yeah it's not the it's not easy whatsoever

loser um initially you uh bring up Laura Croft boobs yeah

that you wish you couldn't wait to get them are you gonna to talk about yours? Because you're not a flat-chested woman. I'm sorry to point this out. No, it's fine. But I really thought I never bought girly

magazines. I always bought PSMs and all this. That's really what I thought a sexy woman looked like. I think there's something interesting to being a girl into video games because normally it's what keeps men from getting vagina, and you have one. There's something to being a girl who learned everything from...

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to... That's my premise, kind of. I think it's interesting that you've been brainwashed into actually finding those dudes attractive. Not the in the games but like the the kind of guys who play video games like that's a hunk of you that's a hunk to you when actually it's just like a hunk of fat because that's still the only men you've ever met or at conventions or whatever but you talk a lot about your looks yeah which is tough because you're... Well, I was told like I got some advice from Tony earlier, late

last week that he had said that I should kind of acknowledge people's like perception of me, like immediately recognize... Well, you're cool looking, so that's... But people are going to react to that. Some people aren't going to like it. You're an attractive female

so you have to... And I don't know what that's like, obviously, at all. That's hard to reconcile in stand-up. It really is. Because if you show it off too much, it makes people dismiss your act a little. You don't want to hide it too much because you don't want to waste it. But it's hard to figure... I think that's a really

hard line to tell. It's really hard to pull off what you're trying to pull off with that haircut is the problem because it's like rock star. So you can't really play it down. But I recognize both of what you're saying and that's kind of why I was trying to bring to attention that I know

you might think of things like one way but in reality I'm just such a dork that I cut my hair after a video game. You cut it after a video game? Inspired by it. How you said in the joke how there was 12 Final Fantasies or whatever like that,

you could say something more to explain that. My hair's looking more and more pixelated or less pixelated or something like that. You could get totally dorky with it. Because that is funny that you're cut after the 12th version of a video game character. I think it's interesting to talk about having basically a unique look. Yes.

Because everyone does that stuff for the same reason. It's just to get someone to like them. But at this point, you're almost like you've made your look so confused that like i don't mean it like that but like you could talk about like like i i'm sending a lot of mixed messages right now i have like a three-quarter side mullet which i don't basically i'm looking for near-sighted white trash and like you know and then you just talk about like i might from the waist down i'm this from the waist that like you know i'm basically sending a kind of mixed message and so what i basically attract is a mutant.

Or whatever it is. Or a GameStop employee. I would say. If you're going to acknowledge the hair. You really got to get into it. Like he just said. That was funny. The three quarter mullet.

You have basically a side mullet. Correct? I don't know. Does it have a name? No. It's literally... I took a picture of the character from the game and I was like, can you please make this real life? But I mean, I've seen that hairstyle before. I think it has a name. Yeah. Short on one side, long on the other.

Carmen Esposito is a comedian that has the exact same haircut. Her trip is all about being a lesbian and her lesbian haircut. It's like Bieber up front, Steven Tyler on the side. Yeah, that's great. I would just be careful of letting your look

be too cool. I mean, your look can get distracting to where you walk up on stage and people are just like, visual, visual, visual. They miss the first 30 seconds of your act because you look, you know, there's a lot happening. I've had people tell me that it is like, I'm kind of attractive.

Don't hide your face also. Don't what? Don't bangs it up. You hide your face. You've got to sell jokes with your face. Right. Beret it. Beret.

Correct. Beret it. I don't believe in that. I wear a hat. It's usually down. Cover my eyes. No one wants to see your face. No one wants to see me.

Right. Yeah, it's a different thing. Right. Yeah, if either, all three of us would love to hide our face with bangs, it would just look weird. Well, I'm really shy, but I'm really gonna try and focus on that stuff, because... But that's interesting, you're really shy,

yet you have a look that's like, look at me, look at me, look at me. You're like a hipster neon sign. Like, you're trying to, like, get people to notice your look, it's crazy. I mean, you have all this stuff happening, you look cool as shit, so you're like, I'm shy, I'm shy, but you're like, not all the time. Like, you're kind of like, but have all this stuff happening. You look cool as shit. So you're like, I'm shy. I'm shy.

But you're like, not all the time. Like, you're kind of like, but check all this shit out. I slept at a Hot Topic. You know what I mean? Like, you're giving it to him. You asked your barber to make you look like a character that guys spend, like, tens and tens of hours with. And now you're surprised. That's very valid.

Guys are like, hey, look at you. You're hoping to find the guy and create a visual trigger where he's like, oh, shit, my wife. Because he's just been like making her move all the time. He's like, I made her move. Maybe I can make you move. I can control this one. Yeah, I can control this one. Watch.

B-B-A-A-O. He just walks up to you and starts pushing buttons. And you're like, I'm not. It doesn't work that way. But that's sweet. Right. Yeah. There's a little something there. but there's a lot to beat

out. You already have a brand. You know the video game thing. You could beat out the whole... I like that you completely stayed away from the Persian thing. I think that's the move too. I made the mistake of doing that in a different episode. I was here. I know what David Taylor does. Don't take that completely seriously.

It has more to do with you being a woman than anything he said on stage. We've had a lot of conversations outside since it happened and he's been very friendly. He's a sweetheart but his first reaction to women is cruelty.

No doubt about it and we are moving on. That's Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. Sarah Mostajabi, everyone. And as always, our second lovely regular, put your hands together for her. It's Kimberly Congdon, everyone.

I'm out of the poison. I can make it Congdon, everyone. Hello. I moved to LA a couple months ago. That was like three or four months ago. I've been having a lot of problems with my landlord lately. And that's because I'm not supposed to be living there.

Yeah, he found out that me and my friend Alyssa were splitting a studio. That's my friend Alyssa. And so he started leaving really threatening voicemails like, oh, no two people there. One person there. You're going to get kicked out. So we're like, fuck. Alyssa's like, well, maybe we can go like talk to him and figure it out. I'm like, Alyssa, he's old, crazy, and Chinese. He doesn't want two girls living in the studio. He doesn't even want two girls living.

So we've had to start sneaking out. Because his hallway is right across from ours, so he can see our front door. And Alyssa's like, well, we both got to get to work. And I'm like, I don't know what to do. And we look over and we see her suitcase. That's right.

She put me in the suitcase three days ago. It was going to be a quick move. She was just going to throw me in the suitcase, zip me up, and drag me across. Adorable and hilarious as always. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. We,

just real quick, that was really you need to tighten that up because that was just more of a story. It was kind of like listening to you talk about what happened this week. It needs to be in joke form so that we can understand. Instead of saying Alyssa, it needs to be my friend, my roommate, in any way you want to say it.

It doesn't matter how many months you've lived here. Totally. Trim out all the bad stuff you know what Kevin and I are going to tweet our more input about that to you because we have run

way over our time this evening and Kevin is there anything you want to promote or anything I'll be at UCB the 15th

with Natasha Leggero I'm on a showtime show starts in September called Masters of Sex I love it put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon that's Kimberly Congdon.

That's Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. At Sarah Dresses on Twitter. Comic Patriot on Twitter. Comic Patriot on Twitter. Tony Hinchcliffe in Red Band. As always, thanks for listening, and thanks, everybody, for coming out. Thank you, everyone. Thank you very much, everyone. Come back every Monday for Kill Tony.

We're going to have the Ding Dong show next so stay tuned. 10 o'clock.