KILL TONY - KILL TONY #111

Episode Date: August 4, 2015

Doug Benson, Jesse Joyce, Kurt Metzger, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 06/29/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony, which is recorded every Monday for free in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. Every Tuesday, we have Verbal Violence. If you like that new podcast we do here, they record it every Tuesday night. It's the Roast Battle in the Belly Room. And every Friday, we're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California for our huge Death Squad comedy show. for our huge Death Squad comedy show. This Wednesday, it's my birthday show. We have Joe Rogan, Joey Diaz, Sam Tripley, Tony Hinchcliffe, Dean Delere, Jason Tebow, Kimberly Congdon, Josh Martin, Sarah Weinshank, and a bunch of surprise guests.

That's this Wednesday at the Main Room in the Comedy Store. So please get those tickets. They're going fast. If you want to see a great show, celebrate my little birthday and Joe Comedy Store. So please get those tickets. They're going fast. If you want to see a great show, celebrate my little birthday and Joe's birthday. His birthday is August 11th. So it's a super birthday show. So check it out.

Also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all his latest tour dates and merch. And ShopSquad.tv is where all the Death Squad merch is. Hats, posters, stickers. We've got cat clocks, T-shirts, everything. So go to ShopSquad.TV is where all the Death Squad merch is. Hats, posters, stickers. We've got cat clocks, t-shirts, everything. So go to ShopSquad.TV.

And last but not least, please subscribe to us on iTunes. Open up iTunes, search for Death Squad, and hit subscribe. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Van coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony Vol. 2. Down for Tony Hensclin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, everybody. Fuck yeah, how exciting.

Another packed audience on a crazy monday night how you doing live audience come on make some noise these people thousands on you stream thousands on hundreds on periscope millions on periscope we went down a little bit uh hundreds on periscope and to the tens and tens packed into the belly room of the Comedy Store. Happy Monday to you all. Are you ready for a crazy night? Fuck yeah. Got a nice big empty giant booth over here if people don't have a place to sit.

Some people, I guess, can sit there. Anyway, fuck yeah. Welcome, everyone. Episode 111 of Kill Tony. This is very exciting. Well over two years and we're excited to be with you. It's a very special treat we have tonight. Let's just jump right into it, shall we Brian? Let's do it. Any dates? I'm going to Montreal, I'm going to Toronto. If you live in Canada, I'm coming to you. Look up the stuff. I'll be in Toronto also and San Jose. Ooh la la.

Oh, yeah, and San Francisco two weekends from now. I'm there with you at Rooster Teeth Feathers all weekend. Me doing over an hour. Sounds exciting, right? Fuck yeah. Guys, normally we have a band leader that sits over there on that stool. Our band leader, Pat Reagan, was unavailable tonight for the show. There's one guy.

See how when you do something you can influence people. I'm just testing the water. See who's a Pat Reagan fan and who's not. That was a troll. Oh, I see that. You're trolling our own band leader. I like that. Very good. Guys, instead of

that, we have a special friend, a regular here on Kill Tony, one of our favorite guests, and one of the best comedians anywhere. You know him from all of his hit shows. Doug loves movies. Getting Doug with high, and everything Doug. Put your hands together for our band

leader tonight, the one and only Doug Benson, everybody! What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Doug Benson is the bandleader on a Monday night? Get the fuck out of here. I can't believe this shit. Who does that? I can't believe this. I've never thought in my wildest dreams I'd be a bandleader on a podcast. You're the patriot tonight. Oh, I'm so excited. And apologies to the Patriot if he's out there watching. I did not mean to take your job. Actually, you are the one that started this whole thing.

Because you were the first person to say that we should probably stop doing the Patriot. And then so we stopped because of you. And then now somehow you are the band leader. I see how it works. He quit. It's come full circle. You fulfilled the prophecy. He quit on you guys when he thought that he could become the sidekick on Getting Doug with High without ever checking with me first.

Yeah. He thought he had the gig locked up and then he was like, hey, Doug, I could be your sidekick. And I was like, no, that was a one-time thing, man. Well, I love it. I'm so glad that you're here and we're going to have so much fun watching comedians and talking to comedians. You were on an episode just a couple weeks ago, and we're happy to have you back. It's great to be back because I got something to plug. Oh, really?

Yeah, real quick. Go ahead. It's a long title, but then after that I'll say very few words. Doug Dynasty? No, no. You think that's a long title? Smoke some more. Dynasty?

No, no. You think that's a long title? Smoke some more. No, I got a movie coming out on VOD and iTunes. Brian Redband is in it. Suppose, allegedly, I'm in it. No, you're definitely in it. I don't remember anything about this weekend. You were high when it happened, but you were definitely in it.

Hitting on Women. Is this the name of the movie? You're right. It is a long title. Holy shit. Is this the name of the movie? You're right. It is a long time.

Holy shit. Hits on women in San Diego during Chronicon episode 420, A New Dope. It's the story of my journey at Chronicon, Comic-Con. I call it Chronicon. A couple of years ago, and Brian was there. Joe Rogan was there, Morgan Spurlock, Kevin Smith. Enough about this movie. Watch it this Friday

on iTunes. You know what that horn means, everybody. It's on iTunes. Wait, I didn't get the first sound. I didn't get the wrap it up sound. iTunes and VOD this Friday, July 3rd and after. Thank you. That's it for me.

Wow. We just lost 700 people I can't wait to watch it man I really don't remember anything At all Can't wait You know what else you might not remember Is tonight's amazing episode of Kill Tony It's about to happen

Put your hands together I always have two of my funniest friends and two of the best comedians in town on this show. And this week's no different. Put your hands together for guests. Roasters, comedians, writers, great, great, great comedians. It's the great Jesse Joyce and Kurt Metzger, ladies and gentlemen.

They're here. Yes. Fuck yeah. So glad to have you. Jesse, you've been on the show quite a few times. I have. It's good to be back. Kurt, welcome. Happy to have you. What's going on? Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me.

You ever been in the belly room of the Comedy Store before? Yeah, one time. One time. I didn't stay. It was jam-packed, so I couldn't get in. Right. It looks like the fucking club was GM Pack, so I couldn't get in. Right. It looks like the fucking club from Scarface, doesn't it? It does. Isn't that terrible?

You guys all know Doug Benson, right? What's up, Doug? Good to see you guys. You too, man. This is New York style. Fuck yeah. I got Doug with high before this show. You did?

Yeah. did? Yeah Really? Yeah Dude you gotta let me know when you're in town So you can be on getting dug with high I'd love to have you Do you know I had to pay a fucking I got caught for the first time

Ever Where? Smoking in a hotel at the Ambrose What city is that? Santa Monica They were real like Oh it's here in LA You're in a hotel and

you got cost $300 and I ratted myself out because I was paranoid because I was high. I could have got away with it. They don't have to clean the room.

It just clears out. You call the front desk and go, oh, I'm smoking weed. No, hold on. Someone is smoking weed in my bathroom. I, it just didn't

look right. Like, first of all I had to have I was doing I was doing this thing Where Some press junket Okay

And I needed that Because I haven't had a credit card In like 15 years Right So I'd have the people In charge of it Like come in and pay

Because I can't have money Put on my fucking ATM card Okay So already you're a bum In that hotel Like already They're like, there's something wrong with this dude

that can't just put a deposit down at a hotel, right? So then as I'm coming out of my room, some guy in khaki pants walks by and goes, you the one smoking? And I went, I didn't even say anything to him. I just looked at him. And he goes, because we're doing room inspections. Yeah.

And then I panicked and I went downstairs with my Mexican friend and I had him go back In the room And clear out all my shirt Is that what you call Your weed? I went down with my

Both my weed And the guy that brought me My weed Those two things What kind of hotel Just gives random inspections? It was They could have just

The kind that smells A muppet smoking weed In the hotel room What are you talking about? It was cartoonishly strong. Yeah, I call it bullshit. But, you know, what you've got to do is just get to the point where you're making enough money, you're successful enough, so you just pay the fine and move on.

You get fined at every hotel, right? Every hotel you get fined, right, Doug? No, it's happened like four times over the years. And whenever it happens, it's like a parking times over the years. Whenever it happens, it's like a parking ticket or something. At least it's not on your permanent record. Here's a tip, man. You get a wet towel and you put all the rest of the shampoo and the conditioner and all the other crap on there

and you do one of those helicopters with it and you just walk around the whole entire room with your little soap helicopter. Totally works. And it makes the place look crazy. At what point in the process do you do that? Every time I'm in a hotel room smoking weed. No, I mean... Oh, before I leave.

On your way out. But the trouble is, and this happened to him I bet, is that they smell it in the hallway while you're there. Yeah, you gotta put the wet towel underneath the door. You put the wet towel in the crack, but some doors, even this crack doesn't meet the wall. Yeah.

And so the smell is going to go out into the hallway. Balconies. I know. Balconies is the answer. Always book a balcony. Take a hit, blow it in the toilet, and flush at the same time. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

Yeah. Shove your face in the toilet. Make sure you take a big shit first. Don't believe me? Don't worry. Just blow it down there. Yeah, it goes right down with the water. Try it.

I don't think any of these things work. I think you're just so high that you think they work. Oh, it definitely doesn't smell like pot in this shampoo tally room. No, it does work. Both those tips work. All right, guys. You know how it works. Comedians have signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage.

Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Adorable. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Okay, okay, okay. That is enough of that. I don't know how you even get it that loud. It gets worse every fucking week. You should do that at the Oscars.

That'd be great. But with a live bear. Right. You know, speaking of public bathrooms and the Oscars, you know, I wrote for the Oscars the year Seth MacFarlane did it. I was backstage, and there's only one fucking bathroom back there. And so everybody's waiting in line, and we're waiting for minutes at this bathroom. And Michael Douglas comes up behind me and starts clearing his cancerous throat.

Like the whole time, right? And we're all just kind of, what the hell? And fucking John Goodman walked out, buckling his pants. Really? Yeah, whatever the fuck kind of a shit John Goodman left in the back. That's from fucking Blues Brothers 2000. Or he dropped a Flintstone. Or a Big Lebowski.

Nothing on that. Okay, fuck you guys. I already don't like this live audience. They're all waiting to come on stage. It's a tense time. You always say that. These aren't all comedians, Doug. Who's not a comedian?

Clap your hands if you're not. Don't raise your fucking hands. This is a podcast, you idiots. See, I told you this is a dumb audience. They all raise their fucking hands like it's a classroom. Doug is not your professor. Bunch of hand raisers out there. Clap your hands if you're not a comedian.

All right. There's a lot of people lying. None of those people are comedians. They're just being lazy. It's a lazy audience. Lazy non-comedian non-clappers. All right. 60 seconds of uninterrupted

stage time. It begins now and your first comedian goes by the name of Andrew Goldmeier. Let's see. I just turned 30. Here's the thing about being 30. No longer acceptable to be shy around adults. It's just your friends.

It's your right peers. It's weird, like, dating in your 30s and doing, like, stand-up. Because all the girls I meet, like, have their shit together. They're like the director of something that I have, like, a mortgage down in the house. They're like, how about you? I'm like, for dinner tonight I had candy. Third day I work at a coffee bean. I'm pretty sure my boss is in high school.

I don't know. I'm too afraid to ask. I don't want to know the answer. Another one of my coworkers asked me to prom. I went. Here's the thing about high school girls you get older and they continue to think that it's okay that you're working at a coffee bean I think that's it, it's good

50 seconds Andrew Goldmeier initial thoughts, Kurt? anything stand out to you there? yeah, well just you sound like to you there? Yeah, well, just you sound terrified, but there's some good jokes, but you know, just don't stammer them out

quietly. I thought you had a couple good ones. How long have you been on stand-up? Like five, six years? You couldn't fill a minute. I didn't have a ten second joke.

Yeah, you've written about seven seconds of material for every year that you've done this. Is your nervousness kind of your character though? Because it almost felt like that's kind of your thing. Almost like that's your... Are you always this nervous? No, I think I ran down here. But the nervousness is kind of like a part of my thing.

Oh, yeah, I don't do that. It was a combination of both. Just talk how you talk, man. Would you be less nervous if we didn't have a sword on stage? Is that freaking you out? I liked what you did. I thought you had good jokes. I like the specificity of candy.

It was funny that you eat candy for dinner. I would change whatever the she does. I feel like that was vague. If you can write specifics, you should have her thing be more specific. Yeah, candy lunch is good, dude. But nobody gives a shit the thing about being 30. Who fucking gives a fuck?

Just go to like you eat candy for dinner or something. Alright. You really work in a coffee bean? Yeah. How long you been

working there? Nine months. How does that make you feel? Like he's about to have a coffee bean baby. That is the exact amount of time it would take to gestate a coffee bean.

That's what I'm saying. That was a brilliant point, Doug. Yeah. Are you a Starbucks hater? I don't like their coffee. That's why I went to Starbucks. Look at you. Did you apply at Starbucks nine months ago?

No. No. No, I like the coffee bean coffee better. You went straight for coffee bean. Any other coffee shops that you applied at? No, just coffee bean. I went all for it. It's the one I wanted. And you got it. Yep, got for coffee bean. Any other coffee shops that you applied at? No, just coffee bean. I went all for it. It's the one I wanted.

And you got it. Yep, got the coffee bean. They welcomed you. I hate coffee bean. He's like, coffee bean there, done that. Okay, don't do that, Andrew. Don't ever repeat that. Please, that should be your opener from now on.

And when you say that you ate candy for dinner, you should say, she was nice, but I'm still hungry. Speaking of... See, it was almost like the first joke was so, it was like on purpose, like a bad misdirect, so that you really surprised him when you had that funny thing coming.

That's how comedy works. That was beautiful. Well placed. And you know what that horse means, everybody. I don't. I don't either. Just say nay. Fuck yeah.

So, Andrew, are you dating anybody right now? No. No. Fuck yeah. One person who's just pro-single. I liked all your jokes, man. I thought you were good, and I thought the nervousness was okay. But, yeah, maybe you'd be better without it.

Why do you think you're nervous? Too much caffeine? That could be it. That could be a part of it. I don't know. I just ran up here to Staten so so fast one of those things where yeah yeah yeah it did i think we're all wondering what you would have done with us that last 10 seconds and we'll never know you'll never know i like the shy part also i thought that was funny like being shy at

30 uh it is funny when you meet a shy person when they're a grown adult. It's like, come on, you haven't figured it out yet? Yeah. Yeah, you just want to fucking kick their teeth in. Yeah. You just bully them to death. I'm sure that would make them more comfortable around people. I mean, how many times do you

look out curtains slowly and look at people? I've never done that. I don't think I've ever. How often do you go on stage? I try to go a couple times a week. I used to be doing it a lot more, but now I've been doing working and doing other shit. Working at night? What's the other

shit that you do? Writing, so I do sketch and stuff like that. Oh. How's sketch going? It's going good. Yeah. Anyway. Good luck on sketch Tony. And getting

Doug with sketch. What the fuck? How does sketch Tony get one? And getting Doug with sketch which actually has the punchline at the end doesn't get anything. Yeah he's has the punchline at the end, doesn't get anything. Yeah, he's got a punchline at the end. Oh, jeez. Here he goes. Let the rivalry

begin. Doug always strikes a... Hey, tip for the guy on stage. Punchlines are at the end. Thank you. Even I learn something every week Fuck yeah Andrew, what else? If you have one huge goal

What would it be? To write for television Or to have my own show that I create and write for Those are two way different things You know, I started small But I decided the huge goal. But either of those will work out for you? I hope so.

You're willing to settle for not being the star, just writing for it? Yeah. Okay. That sounds like he's willing to settle for working at the coffee bean. I mean, he hasn't killed himself yet, so I'm pretty sure he's going to take anything at this point. Oh, shit. Truth. There he goes.

Andrew Goldmeier, everybody. Fun times. Good job, Andrew. Follow him on Twitter at Andrew Goldmeier. Fuck yeah. Any last thoughts on Andrew? Were you guys done? Not really.

I don't know. He's fine. They put their Twitter name on the thing? Yeah. That's nice that you guys hook him up with that. Yeah. It's cool. Thank you.

I love that you point out the cool things about the show still, Doug, even though you've done like nine episodes of it. I will not stop pointing out the cool stuff. Those fucking lanterns you hang are awesome. That West Hollywood bear is so good, it should be done on the Oscars. I want to hear shotguns. No, nobody said that.

What? No. Only you and four people like that, Brian. Don't do it. Put your hands together for your next comedian. I pulled out another name. It is Josh Barnes here he goes Josh Barnes sup y'all how's it going so I just got out to LA and

realized picking up girls is different out here. It ain't like in Colorado. Every time I meet a girl, they're like, what do you do? What do you do? Can you take care of me? I'd be like, my job sucks, so I want to be very ambiguous. It's a big word. Just learned that one.

And so I'd be like, what do you do? And I'd be like, well, you know, I work for a big word. Just learned that one. And so I think, well, what do you do? And I'm like, well, you know, I work for a security company. You know, I want to sound tough and dangerous. They'll be like, oh, you got a gun? Nah, don't got no gun. Don't got no gun. It's like, oh, you're a security guard? What, you a rent-a-cop?

I'm like, no, bitch, I ain't no cop. It's like, so what do you do? Bitch, I'm like Jake from State Farm Bitch, I guard a cubicle Bitch, leave me alone It sucks, I'd be on the phone at work Like, ring, ring, ring Josh, is everything okay?

And I'm like, oh my god, someone's trying to kill me I'm like, yeah, just so you know This call is to be monitored and recorded For quality assurance purposes Please just know that you'll be safe. Fuck yeah, Josh Barnes. Josh, how's it going, man? How long have you been on stand-up?

This is actually my first time. Wow! You've never done stand-up before? That was your first time. Never in my life. The seal of first-timiness just arrived, everybody. Wait, am I clear?

Are we just making these the fuck up as they are? Yes, totally. You can name it if you want to. Fuck yeah, Josh. I love your style. You're like a young Uncle Phil. I heard that before. I've heard that.

Someone once said, you look like a good father. That's hilarious. It's just a good father. That's hilarious. It's just the jorts. That's why they got the father thing. You know they're like cargo shorts, not jeans. Right. Fuck yeah, Josh. So you're from Colorado.

Yep, yep. Colorado. I still really don't. You're a security guard at an office? No, so it's like a security company, like ADT. Right. Oh, gotcha. Yeah.

Did I miss that part or did you just not say it? Yeah, well, I kind of skewed around it. Right. Gotcha. You might want to just sort of nail it. You know what I mean? And let them know that that's what you're talking about when you're doing it. You know, just say that that's what you do before getting into all that other stuff.

That's the ambiguous. I wanted to make it sound exciting to the girl. I guess I sort of see what you did there. Yeah. It didn't work. It's just long. Right on. But it's your first time.

I don't even know how to bash you for it. No. But it's just a long fucking story about you. It feels like I have a job. No. But you have never been on before. So how hard should you be? I don't know how hard it should be on him

How good is he supposed to be in No no exactly I have to make people laugh We can still give some tips though Like for starters You open with It's different out here than it is in Colorado When you're hitting on a woman

And then nothing you said after that supported that idea. The whole time I was like, what the fuck are women in Colorado like? That was like my whole... Women in Colorado fall down for these lines. In Colorado they just drop for anything. They outnumber the men, right? Or no? What was that? The women outnumber

the men in Colorado? No. It's not Alaska, man. They call it Minver. Ew, really? What about Arizona, I'm thinking? Wait, Alaska's the other way. It's more men than women. Yeah, it's way more men.

And why do you keep saying you're from Colorado when we know you're from Bel Air? Oh. See, that's a callback to that one thing. Yeah, another one. I snuck another one in there. Nice. You're right. He's super fresh.

Wait, did you say Uncle Phil the first time? Yeah. Because I heard Dr. Phil and it still worked. I know. He's like tan Dr. Phil? Yeah. That's what I thought. A handsome one though, right?

A handsome Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. Handsome Dr. Phil. It's kind of like tallest building in Wichita. I might have put Dr. Phil in there when you said that. Uncle Phil is good too, though. That's a good reference. Yeah, Uncle Phil is a little bit better.

It's a lot better, but, you know, two of us heard Dr. Phil. You accidentally fell into a terrific joke, Tony. It's still an important, like, you know, it's still an important body type for security, you know? You know you've got to be on the radio while John McClane is in the vents, keeping his spirits up. Yeah, you're like checking in with McClane while you're buying some Ding Dongs. No, what was he? He was getting Twinkies. He was getting a shitload of Twinkies.

Couldn't he just buy one Twinkie? Does he have to buy a shitload of Twinkies? He was getting a shitload of Twinkies. Couldn't he just buy one Twinkie? Does he have to buy a shitload of Twinkies? He shot a kid. He had to have those Twinkies. You have an interesting shape to you. You a football player or something? I was. Really?

Where at? Eastern Arizona. Oh, so cool. What position? Defensive end. Hell yeah. How long ago was that? Six years. Fuck yeah. You. What position? Defensive end. Hell yeah. How long ago was that? Like six years.

Fuck yeah. You still look exactly like a defensive end. It's amazing. I love that you kept it. A lot of people, they try to shed it. They'll do anything to lose that extra weight. You're still ready to go. You ever play pickup games or anything at the local parks?

No. You hang out at the Y? Who does that? How do you even know that? I don't know where I was going with it. I figured it'd be somewhere, but no, not really at all. Do you have super strength from like, you know how it's that weird high

altitude you're from where people can't breathe? Do you have powers here in the lower lands? You can't breathe? Hell no. I don't have any questions. Like, what did you think the joke was that you told? Like, what's the funny part of it to you? So I thought the Jacob's State Farm would hit.

I thought that was kind of clever. And then someone's killing me please be sure this call is recorded right did like you waste you did a lot of time and i know it's your first time so like i'm not dicking on you but we're just trying to make you the best comedian in the world after your first time on stage appreciate it yeah so like i just i would get to that a lot sooner that was a lot of time before you said anything that was even remotely the joke you wanted to tell. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So that whole misdirect on you slowly backing your way into what you do, that wasn't really. I don't know why this is a thing, but don't wear shorts on stage. It's a thing that was always. You can wear shorts sometimes. Well, it's just like a thing I was always told. It's too casual, Kurt. Yeah, you don't have to wear shorts. How often do you wear shorts on stage. It's a thing. It was always. And don't. You can wear shorts sometimes. Well, it's just like a thing I was always told. It's too casual, Kurt. Yeah, you know, sometimes wear shorts. How often do you wear shorts on stage, Kurt?

Oh, I wouldn't dare do that. I don't judge anyone for that. That's what you choose to do. So listen, like, it would just be like, you know, whatever the joke you want to tell is, get to that joke, you know? Just find the most economical way to say that thing. Don't wear shorts. And I don't know if you know this about comics, but don't to say that thing don't wear shorts and i don't know if you know this about comics but don't uh glue pubes to your face before you get on stage

that's a weird i don't know why you would like comics don't usually do that so it's good good tip yeah i've got one thing to say to pube face would you what why would you pick this as your first time? What's that? Yeah. This is a good point. What happens on Kill Tony is sometimes it's their first experience. And I'll say about this guy that he was polished without having jokes yet. And that's a lot. And he actually filled his entire 60 seconds.

The guy that went on before him has been doing it five or six years, and he did 50 seconds. So it just goes to show. Yeah, so far you win. What a terrible way to fucking pop your cherry. It's great because it's documented. He can look at this in HD. Jodie Foster had a better time playing pinball the first time than this guy

just had on stage. He can look at this and decide that comedy's not for him. It's a good system. I think this is a great start. You have a lot of pockets on those shorts. Do you keep it? It's stuff for his children.

Obviously. Do you keep anything in those's stuff for his children. Obviously. Do you keep anything in those pockets? Cell phone, wallet. Hey, Papa Bear, what do you got in your pockets? Listen, part of Kill Tony is that we're going to take all your stuff. What's in your pockets? That's it? Just wallet and cell phone and stuff?

No granola bar or anything like that? No snacks. It's just a question I like to ask. When people have multiple pockets, I always like to see if there's a bonus pocket with something cool in it, like Sour Patch Kids. There's always something weird. You'd be surprised. This is an empty pocket guy. Not many people play it that way.

How long does he have to take this? There's another person? I was wrapping it up. I love his eyes. Don't you love his eyes? You can get lost in those eyes. He has a very pretty face. Can I tell you something?

Yeah. He's got sweet features. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't even see a problem. He's got sweet features. Look at the pouty lips. Yeah, he's like a castable fucking guy. Yeah, totally, totally. I should have used like a castable fucking guy. Totally, totally.

I should have used the State Farm line on you, huh? Yeah. No, but just, like, you knew. So I... It's not even fair to judge him. Why not? Are you ticklish? Just another person.

Okay, okay, Kurt, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Get the fuck out of here! Are you ticklish? Yes. Wow, Josh Barnes, everybody. He's ticklish. A ticklish? Yes. Wow, Josh Barnes, everybody. He's ticklish. A ticklish security guard. And don't take fat jokes from Red Band either.

Josh Barnes is on Twitter at I'm only one man. Wow. That is interesting. I'm only one man. Josh Barnes. That's what I would go with. He gets confused for two people all the time. Yeah.

There's nobody underneath my shirt. I'm not pregnant. I'm not six little guys standing on each other's shoulders. Just the one guy. I am not a scene from A Little Rascal short. Fucking Dr. Phil. Alright, this looks like a new name, and it's a very hard last name to pronounce.

Here we go. Kenan Kuznirchik. There he is. Ah, man. I just want to say it's truly an honor to share the stage with such an amazing sword. That thing is so cool. Did you get that in Japan?

Tony, I want to congratulate you on the Supreme Court ruling. I'm very happy for you. Topical and roasty. Yeah. Topical and roasty. Guys, let's get to the real stuff. I used to cut when I was younger.

I used to be a cutter, guys. But, you know, I got older and I realized I wasn't even hurting myself. I was hurting everyone in line behind me. I think that's it, right? Am I about there? You have another ten seconds. You were way short, man.

That was a sweet 42 seconds. There you go Okay That's it Fuck That's horrifying Fuck yeah I like your style

Oh thank you I'm gonna be talking time Oh my god Come on I knew Pat Reagan was looking bad But oh man Kenan Kuznirchik Am I saying that right?

Yeah Better than most Yeah better than most Have Yeah, better than most. Have you been on the show before? I was, and like fresh off the, you know, starting, and I was going by Kenan Lewis, and y'all were like, no, just go with your crazy last name. So I did it because of the show.

Wow. Yeah. I can't believe I told you that. It would pitch you in the ass. That's like the complete opposite of the advice that I'd normally give. Was this the Hinchcliffe Notes, maybe? Wait, what? Why do you do the most

inside, inside, inside jokes during a live show and podcast? You're an insane man, but I love it. The first episode of Kill Tony was actually called the Hinchcliffe Notes. There's four nerds right now on Ustream. I can't believe they're talking about it. I can't believe it.

Have you watched it? It's hilarious. He has a C, Z, Y, and a K. Why the fuck would you have told him to do it? You have a name like a fucking eye chart. This is stupid. It's terrible. I'm sure you're

pretty familiar with eye charts, by the way. Tony Hinchcliffe and Zosky ZZ. Fuck yeah, Doug. What kind of name is this? It's Polish. Kurnacek or some shit. It's Polish. Oh.

What does it mean? What's that? What does it mean? I have no idea. What does it mean? What the fuck are you talking about? It means unintelligible last name. Oh, well, whatever. It's like Medsport. Unintelligible last name. You think the Polacks have

sort of ancient reasons for Z's and C's next to each other? My ancestors were light bulb... Never mind. Are your glasses made out of cardboard? Are they a real prescription or are you

going to the movies? What part of Silver Lake do you live in? He looks like the fifth guy in a movie in the 50s who doesn't have an actual part but just sits in the back and eats ice cream and goes, yeah. You know what I mean? Really? Yeah. When you first got on stage, I fucking couldn't have hated you anymore just because of your

look. You don't like him on Community? Hang on. I look like a hip Community? I look like a hipster. I look like a hipster. Yeah, you're like a fucking MC Escher painting. Give this goofy. I thought it was pretty funny. But yes, no, you won me over is my point.

But I enjoyed what you did. You spent 36 seconds. I looked at the clock. You spent 36 seconds basically doing a misdirect on us with the sword. And it was worth it. And then insulting me. I say that to everyone.

And that excellent Tony line. Every time I see him, I tell him he looks like Matthew McConaughey's skeleton. Every single time. It's true. Oh, you mean Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club? Yeah. Doug, fall down again. That was a good reference I lost his name what is it again Keenan Keenan Kusnirsek it's

interesting because you have a Polish last name in such an ivory weigh-ins first yeah Keenan does not match a super white last name that and that was another thing is I was going by Keenan Lewis and people like you're not a black dude? Right. Yeah, I don't know.

Was that offensive? You said that you dress like a hipster. I've been getting this all day in particular. Right, because you dress like that. Yeah. All right. Where's the fucking... She's dressed like me, huh?

Where's the Ari Shaffir store where you get that shit from? Oh, that too. You know how Ari would say he was depressed and shit? If I stare at... Like you're depressed, Ari, with all those colorful fucking sweatshirts

that'll brighten your day? If I stare at your shirt long enough, will I see a three-dimensional triceratops? It's actually a bunch of people fucking... You look like

a fucking asshole! He really does. He really does. Bring back Hucky Bear. That guy was fun to look at. I thought he was funny. I liked what he did. No, I liked his jokes, though.

Thank you. I just didn't want to see him tell them. About murdering people. What was the last one? The last one was I used to cut. Yeah, that's a good joke. That was a good joke. Thank you.

So he did good. Is that a cut mark on your arm right now? It's actually a burn mark from a 10K tungsten. What's that? A big light. crack i smoke crack he's a crack they have those injuries a lot what do you talk at rehabs i work i'm a grip and electrician and i was like moving a big light and it burned my arm how long you've been gripping for uh when you hear that song, you know what it means, everybody.

It means Keenan has to blow a gun. Keenan has everything for success. He has good jokes and he dresses like a fucking jerk off like they like. They love that shit. He's going to have a thing.

I'm telling you, he's going to go somewhere. Like annoyingly quick, I bet. Yeah, they love that shit. They do like it. He's going to have a thing. I'm telling you, he's going to go somewhere. Like annoyingly quick, I bet. Yeah. Yeah, probably. How long have you been on stand-up? For four months. Four or five months. Four or five months.

How old are you? I'm 29. Yeah, they'll fucking snap him right up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, just keep writing good jokes when they do it, you know? He's a fucking calculator watch. I couldn't hate that anymore.

It's pretty straight. It's gold. You seem like the kind of guy. How long have you lived in L.A.? For two and a half years. Yeah, you seem like the kind of guy that probably has, like, you know, five backpacks worth of stuff. And I bet you still have a record player. Am I right?

I do have a record player. Son of a bitch. Let me tell you something, buddy. You just keep at it. You're like two years away tops from being a quirky hacker on a murder show. Can I see what your wallet looks like? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

What emoticon is this? If you agree to smell my wallet. Wait, you got a carabiner on this side for what? And that's your keys? I knew it. It's an Ari Shafir Velcro wallet. Nobody wants to see your underwear also. Fucking tuck some shit in or wear shit long enough.

We don't care if it's Versace. Versace. Shout out to the showgirls. Keenan, what else? What are your hopes and dreams? What do you want to do? I'd like to make money in film, but if I can make money... Well, if I could support myself...

Boring! ...the economy, I would. Next question. What's your biggest fear? Failure. Oh, no. That's not true. That's a terrible answer.

You're such a hack. I wish you would say that. No, heights. I'm pretty scared of heights. These hipsters, see, they try to be so different. The only thing they want to do is be like anybody else. You ask them what they're afraid of, and they say failure. I want to give this to your spot.

You're going to still be alive after failure. That's not life and death. That's a legitimate answer, but look, you're a comedian. You're already a failure, dude, so you would just let go of that. You already picked this, so you're a failure. Don't worry. You're free now. You're free. Just own so you're a failure. Don't worry. You're free now. You're free.

Just own it. Just own failure. Yeah, you're just going to have to come to grips with it. I would have thought he was. Was that a grip joke? It was totally a grip joke. It's the fifth time I've tried to get that the fuck out. It's not where the.

You were going to. That's all right. That wasn't the spot. Only 50% of us succeed, and we're all on stage right now. So get the hell out of here. This is the part where Doug starts over hosting the show. It's been a long standing tradition with him.

For four months you did great. I thought you did awesome. You definitely have it. I'm very surprised for four months, man. Congratulations. You're great. Thank you. There he goes. Keenan Kuznichik. There you go. Absolutely. I agree. There he goes. Kenan Kuznirchik.

No Twitter for Kenan. I know you guys want to know where you can find him. I love all of you guys, by the way. I think anybody who has the balls to sign up for a show like this and put yourself out there in anything, I think you're all more fearless and cooler than anybody else.

Just remember that while I'm never saying anything nice about you. There's my disclaimer for another couple months. I'll say, go back. Listen, episode 111. I say a nice thing for a second. You could be such a catty duchess sometimes. I know. I really am. I really am.

I'm going to under-host this for the rest of the show. Doug, where are you going? He almost just fell out of here. Doug, where are you going? Okay almost just fell out of here. Doug, where are you going? Okay. This sounds like a fake name. Can I do that? Yeah, sure, if you want to.

What am I going to miss if I do it? The show that we're doing that you're booked on right now. This sounds like a fake name. This should be interesting to see what happens. Put your hands together for Roger. It's a real person. We have a Roger. I didn't expect to be called. Hey, everybody. How do you...

I'm just leaving it on. It's so tall. It looks like I'm asking for dick. Wait, can you... Okay. All right, let's reset, everybody. I've had a girlfriend for five years now. It's not until recently that I discovered that I'm the jealous type. So I discovered what I need now. I just need an ugly girlfriend.

Because if she cheats on me, she's ugly. I'm going to Mexico this year. I'm going to Mexico this year. I haven't been since I was 12 and 14. So this time I really want to experience Mexico. So the first thing I want to do when I get there is get kidnapped. I'm done. Nice.

Those are amazing. Yeah. You might be my favorite of all time. Oh, my God. Not only do you look like Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. He looks like the Night Stalker. I was just going to say he looks like the Night Stalker's ventriloquist dummy. That's what he looks like.

Well, you just got to have jokes, man. There's no punchline. It was making me laugh how abrupt of a, you know. There was a beginning, middle, and end. I'll give you that. But it should be a punchline, you know. Yeah. Just my girl's ugly.

Just as a, I don't know if this is like a grammatical or like a language barrier thing, but you said you haven't been back to Mexico since you were 12 and 14. You just say since 14, because, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because if there was a time before that, you don't put that time as a number of times. But like I said, I don't know. I took it to when he was 46 years old. Oh, you just added them together?

Yeah, 12 and 14. It was pretty clear. Now, Roger, you just go by Roger, huh? Yeah. How many people, like what's your back story? What type of shady shit have you done to where you only go by Roger? To where you want no one to find you whatsoever, ever. I rated a

grandma. I'm just going to stop doing that. I was going to do something funny. Probably not. Do not be scared of this panel, okay? Now, you're the one who looks like an apocalypto warrior. You don't have to fear us. You can kill any one of these

losers. What nationality are you? Just straight up Mexican? Yeah, just straight up Mexican. Wow. How many times have you been on stage before? Maybe ten. Okay. I love the asking for dick joke. I just can't. I keep on laughing about it. It's great. Was that on purpose?

No, because I really can't take it out. Why can't you take that out? What kind of baby strength do you have? And see that little knob right by your dick? That's what you call asking for dick. That's where you unscrew and go up and down the... He's not going to make the effort to resist. Yeah, but you have beautiful hair.

You don't even really have to ask for dick. People will just give you dick. Put it on your cheek. You don't have to ask. If you have to ask for it. No, I appreciate you coming up here. You someday will be Jeff Dunham's most racist puppet. Just have punchlines, man.

That's all you got to do. Just write punchlines. I love my favorite thing was just like how you didn't even give the audience a chance to not laugh at the end of your first joke where you say, I don't care if she cheats on me because she's ugly. I mean, you didn't even give them a chance to not laugh at your the end of your first joke where you say I don't care if she cheats on me because she's ugly I mean you didn't even give them a chance to not laugh you were the first one at the end of it dude I you know I'm on the fence about that one

because it kind of almost works a little bit oh yeah no I but don't do them all like that but you could maybe do that one I don't know what was amazing though is you ended up going, who cares if she cheats on me if she's ugly? Whoa, whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You booed yourself on that one. Yeah. I mean, you were right there. You were the first person to bash that joke out of everybody in the room. And we were all about to. But, you know, ten times. Where are you going up at? I was at the Nerd Melt like at 5, so not so far.

You mean the ninth time was a couple minutes ago? What? You just did it? No, I did it maybe an hour ago. Yeah, I know. Not what you asked, I'm sorry. No, that's all right. You're gaining a lot of ground quickly in stand-up.

I didn't realize your last show was seconds ago. Yeah, it's working. When you're on stage, show was seconds ago. Yeah, guys working, man. When you're on stage, where do you keep your skateboard? My skateboard? In my trunk? How does your ugly girlfriend feel about you being a comic? No, she's really pretty. I'm just jealous. No, dude, that's smart. If she's

really pretty, that's what you are. I got a pretty girl. I tell her she's ugly all the time. Do you have a pretty girl? Yeah, she ain't going nowhere. She has no self-esteem. Alright. She could never leave me. Roger, what do you do for work? That's all you have to do. I don't work.

I worked at Pizza Hut last year delivering pizzas, and I didn't like having a job. It was my first job, so I don't want jobs anymore. Yeah, fuck jobs, right? Wow. Yeah, I want to do this, though.

Right. Okay. You know, Donald Trump just got fired today for saying exactly who you are. He might have been born here. What's that? He might have been born here. Well, let's not speculate.

Just fucking ask him. Yeah, I was born in LA. Oh, okay. You have to say that, right? You've been trained so well. It was almost like an immediate response. No, I believe you, but don't get caught up next to some other people.

Just stay away from people. Anybody who looks like you, stay the fuck away from them. How old are you? 21. Oh, wow. You have to say that. You're probably under 21. You have to say that. You're probably under 21. You have to say that because you're here. I'm not Jewish, right? But if they have a roundup Jews again, I have to look out.

They'll put those Woody Allen glasses on me and just measure the distance from my eyebrows to those. I'll get your life is what I'm trying to tell you. Okay. Roger, I'm guessing just by looking at you that you must be so excited to be standing next to the great Doug Benson He's back! Oh shit! Can I get a fist bump please? There you go

That was real I heard it was great Bullshit! I've done shows with Doug on the road and every single one of his fans looks like you so I had a feeling that except for the white ones but they have the same hair. They all have the same stoner, girly haircut.

They're mostly white ones. What are you talking about? Fuck yeah. How much pot do you smoke a day, and how do you smoke pot if you haven't worked since Pizza Hut a year ago? Financial aid, government. If your family's poor, you can sign up for Fast Fooded, and the government gives you money to go to school. Wow. Are you going to school?

Yeah, go to Santa Monica College. Oh, all right. Way to go. Thanks for doing that. Well, since I'm fucking paying for you to do it, thanks. I'm glad you're actually doing it. How much material would you say you have? Jesse, put the boy through school.

I have maybe like four good things, good jokes. Four good jokes? What is that, like a minute? No, I've, good jokes that I have. Four good jokes? What is that, like a minute? No, I've done like maybe four minutes. Four minutes. How many of those four jokes that you believe in did you do here tonight? I did, I thought the girlfriend one was one that I do really well. That's why I was like, whoa, nobody laughed, but I guess.

Whoa. The way I deliver sometimes, maybe in my house. Oh, so that whoa was because you immediately recognized that you had bombed without. No, I bombed that dirt melt like an hour ago, too, so I'm just... Oh, okay. We get it. Right. Your show went terrifically an hour ago.

Yeah, just go boner on... The surprise that joke doesn't work anywhere. That joke kills when the sun's still up. That's a whole, like... That's a whole thing. Daytime comedy. You only go by Roger. Where's your last name?

What is it? Oh, it's very Mexican. My whole name's Mexican. My whole name's Rogelio Lopez. What's wrong with Roger Lopez? I just by Roger. Where's your last name? What is it? It's very Mexican. My whole name's Mexican. My whole name's Rogelio Lopez. What's wrong with Roger Lopez? I just like Roger. I think you should go by Kenan Kirchichek.

Yeah. Who's next? Fuck yeah. Kurt is sick of you, Roger. I liked you, man. I hope you start hanging out of you, Roger. I like you, man. I hope you start hanging out here more, man, because I think you're really good. Now, I noticed normally people either leave a Twitter handle

or they don't leave a Twitter handle. On the line that says Twitter here, you put at fuckface.org. What does that mean? Because that can't possibly be a Twitter handle. Because I thought it would get laughs when it came out of your mouth. Oh, fuck yeah. So the one thing that you wrote that's funny, you let me get the laugh on it.

And I like your style, Roger. There he goes, everybody. Roger. Aurelio Lopez. Roger. Live in the flesh. How fun. Kurt, you having fun?

Yeah. Everything okay? Yeah, it's pretty good we could get better though live audience how are you guys doing? you feel okay? I pulled another name

out of the bucket it is Kyle McFadden Kyle McFadden Oh. We'll start with my face. Uh. start with my face. I realized that my beard looks like the beard you give third graders in plays that hook over the ears and start falling off the kid's face.

You're like, pull it up, kid. You're supposed to be playing a man in this play. Really, what my beard looks like is a red-headed girl that got in a long-term relationship and then just gave up. That's where my beard's at.

I'm a quarter Russian, a quarter German, and half Irish. So for anyone not paying attention, that makes me 100% white. I'm so white, I already feel like I've done something wrong. Does that make sense to anyone? Thank you. Fuck yeah.

Nice. Look at that name, though. Kyle McFadden. Well, I love that you're making I love that you're making fun of the way you look because it's blatantly well you don't often see a wolf man telling jokes

mid transformation he looks like Teen Wolf because he looks like because he looks like if the cast of Braveheart you motherfucker do you know how jokes work late Teen Wolf. Teen Wolf stat.

This is the 19th time you've fucking stepped on one of my punchlines. There will not be a 20th Mr. Bean. You just did it again. I was about to call you Mr. Bean and you just fucking did it again. Every comedian is so excited to make a Kyle McFadden joke right now. Yes. This poor guy's just standing here while everybody's arguing over this piece of fucking meat. It's amazing.

Let me fucking talk! Kyle, how long have you looked this way? Kyle, how much can I save by switching to Geico? Geico. How long has it been since the caveman campaign ended? And that's still hilarious? You don't remember until it's right in your face, you know? Yeah, it's true.

You look like the Norse god of anime porn. Fuck yeah. Oh my god So when So do the hills have eyes Or like Is that just like a saying I never got that Can't even look Kyle in the face

I feel bad Can I add something weird? He's the best smelling person so far. That's not weird. You fucking have to be when you have a face like that. What is that smell? Fairy magic. What do you wear? It's called ugly.

Ginger. Oh, that's the line? Go fuck yourselves. You can't just do the comedy trope. Like, oh, that's where we draw the line? Yeah, you didn't make a joke. You just called him an ugly human being. You just said he has a terrible face.

Like, the rest of us were making an effort to tie him to... Is that where the fun stops? At cruelty? Fuck yeah. Kyle, I'm glad you got back on the show last time. You were really good. Have you been going up a lot since we last saw you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you're not defending the wall from the White Walkers? Oh, wild. Yeah, yeah. See, that was more reference-y, so it was more fun. Oh, is that why it worked? Thanks, Doug. Yeah, yeah. See, that was more reference-y, so it was more fun. Oh, is that why it worked? Thanks, Doug. Fuck yeah. Thank you.

I just keep learning tonight. It's so fun. Kyle, I love your style. So do you only make fun of yourself? Is it basically every time you go on stage, the roast of Kyle McFadden? It's really hard not to come on stage and address it right away. Right. I mean, you were getting laughs before saying a word.

I feel like I've owed 10 seconds. I've never really seen that before, where somebody just stares at the audience and they just start laughing like little babies. Yeah, you're an amazing, like, the first 10 seconds were the greatest, because you milked it and then started with your face. Like, that is such a great opening.

Which makes sense that you milked it, since you look like you milk cows for a living. Yeah, but you know you're doing that to yourself on purpose. Like you've made your face look like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a thing you've grown weirdly. Stop calling everyone English too, okay? Like I can't imagine what you must be hiding underneath all that.

Like if you're growing that out to cover something up. Have you heard of a depression beard at all? What's amazing is it even stretched all the way up to your scalp though. It's fully encompassing. When you finally must battle Mike Lawrence at the end of time.

From where I'm sitting he looks like a BG. Oh yeah. Luxurious hair. That's a little more. Oh, yeah. Luxurious hair. That's a little more sexy. Thank you. What do you do for work, Kyle?

What comic book shop do you work at? I don't work right now. Were you at Nerd Melt when... Not today. I believe he works at Zubily Zoo. I don't get that one. I don't know what it's from either. He's a model at Build-A-Bear. That's an amazing reference.

It's amazing. Can you just do this? When you get on stage, can you just bring the four of us? This is going great. Just stand there. I'll do a tour. Jesse, there's five of us. I don't know who you left out, but I feel bad for him.

Kyle, I left him out. It's just a picture of me. It is impressive. You look like every cast member of Roseanne matched together, and that's really hard to pull off. How about instead of bringing Kyle we'll just show Braveheart. Never mind. Kyle

do you have any more jokes on yourself? How else do you make jokes? Yeah I have a lot more. Yeah. Interesting. Well you can take those and you can listen to tonight's episode and add the 35 jokes that we just nailed off on you. Yelling at each other to be able to say them before the other one hit the same reference.

I have a section of other people's jokes about me, so that would... Oh, for sure. Just on the street, just randomly on the street. You get catcalled with insults? Yeah. You get wolfcalled.

What's the example of something somebody's just said to you on the street? Luck of the Amish was the best one. It's terrific. You kind of look like Snarf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, yeah, yeah. Brian's the king of references that four people get. And there's another one.

For all you snarf fan out there, I'm sure you're laughing really hard. I only know what snarf looks like because I was called snarf and had to look it up. No, I know. It's pretty good. Yeah, you do look like it. Whatever. Cartoon from the 70s Brian jerks off to. Thundercats.

Yeah, he looks like a thundercat on the sex offender registry. Anyway, say hi to the witch in the wardrobe. Fuck yeah. Were you ever of stage fright? Do you ever get offended by anything that anybody ever tells you? I never get offended.

Oh, that's great. I get really nervous. I'm not good at talking in front of people, like in general. Oh, good call then, B. Fuck yeah. Have you found that it's gotten easier since you started? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Yeah. Back in college, like I couldn't even give presentations in class. One could say back in college, you were very cowardly. Come on. It's just another lie inspired by Doug's witch and wardrobe. I'm just piling on, completely running out of things. Well, not really. I'm sure I could just sit here and continue off.

Do you have chest hair? Not as much as you would think, but I definitely have chest hair. Interesting. You're like if the Beast from Beauty and the Beast were a reader. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah. Is it true you dislike dwarves, but you hate orcs? Yeah.

All right. Kyle McFadden, any parting words? Anything else? Did you guys have anything to say about my set? Yay. He's the best. No, man. Keep up the good work. Yeah, totally.

Keep at it. Good job. Perfect. There he goes. Kyle McFadden. He's on Twitter. Kyle McFadden. That's all one word. M-C-F-A-D-D-E-N. Kyle McFadden. How fun, right? I guess the more we mock you, the more your set's just fine. That's the way you should take away from this cruelty.

That's the way to know. Well, he looks like we bullied him the right amount, you know? Yeah. We'll get a Game of Thrones out of him one day from all that bullying. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We didn't get him to, like, shooting up the room bad, you know? Yeah.

He's going to write new jokes on the back of his suicide note. Yeah. It's going to be great. Next comedian, put your hands together for Jared Campbell, everybody. Jared Campbell. We know Jared. We love Jared Campbell, everybody. Jared Campbell. We know Jared. We love Jared. Thank you.

Thank you. So I got in a fight with a gay dude the other day. Wasn't no hate crime. I don't want you thinking nothing like that. It's just I was out on Santa Monica Boulevard for the little Halloween parade, right? And it was my homeboy. He was like, nah, son, it's going to be mad women. God, he coming.

It's going to be mad women. And I don't know if he thought everything in the dress was a woman but it definitely was more than just mad women but anyway i was with my home my comedian homeboy named eddie and eddie's a little white dude he's straight but he might should be gay the way gay dudes will holler at him they were just aggressive yo what's up son yo what's up son what's up what's your name what's your name finally eddie had enough of this shit. He said, ah, I have a boyfriend. One of the gay dudes said, who? And he pointed at me and said, the black guy over there. And I'm like, great, throw me under the gay bus, why don't you? But when I got mad, I didn't get mad at the fact that Eddie said I was his boyfriend. I got mad that the gay dude continued to holler at Eddie like Eddie didn't say I was his man. Now I'm like, excuse me, homeboy, I don't know if you

noticed, but he said I was his man. You didn't like, excuse me, homeboy, I don't know if you noticed, but he said that I was his man. You didn't even look my way. I got a shirt that he bought me. What you didn't know was I'm about to propose to him tonight, but you didn't know that shit. Eddie was like, hey, man, I'm just joking. I said, it's too late for that shit. Eddie, we're getting married. Yo, motherfucker, you gotta die.

And that's how me and Eddie got married. Wow, I love it. Jared Campbell, you've been on this show a few times. Yes, I have. I love it here. Heck, you've been on this show a few times. Yes, I have. I love it here. Heck yeah. It's all right. I just tighten it.

It's just long. I know. I mean, if you got to it faster, it's fine. Yeah, it was a long-ass minute. I was getting scared. I was like, were you raped? Are you okay? I was rapping, man.

I had to spit it up here, man. Go fast. I like his style and his confidence. Yeah, you could just lose the pointless things, you know, like under the gay bus. You didn't need to say that part. Yeah, that joke was like 75% on the wrong side of history. And then you fucking pulled it out at the end.

I like that about it, though. The ending is like, I thought that's a good idea to make it out like you're some homophobe dude, but now you're married. I like that. a good idea to make it out like you're some homophobe dude but now you're married. I like that. Also, the audience knows what date it is

and when you say a couple of days ago I was at a Halloween parade, that comes off a little weird. Yeah. Were you just negotiating a price? Was that what that was about? I go to Halloween parades a lot, man.

Fuck y'all. Is that what they tell you they are? Is that what you said? Everybody gotades a lot, man. Fuck y'all. Is that what they tell you they are? Is that what you said? Everybody got costumes and shit, man. You said Halloween parade? He did. Wow, I missed that. In real life, it was a Halloween parade.

I went out there. It's a real story. It seems like there's always just a gay pride parade that you could always say that you were at. Like, well, I guess you were at a parade. There was one of those yesterday. I was at a parade. Parade in Santa Monica is enough. Yeah, every parade. A Halloween one of those yesterday. I was at a parade. Parade in Santa Monica is enough. Yeah, every parade.

A Halloween parade. Wow, that's funny. I did not know that you said that. All parades are gay, if that's what you. Yeah, totally. That's the best parade out there, I guess. Right. Do you really have any?

So your friend's really not gay. He was just getting hit on. This is a real life story, yeah. He was getting gamed up. Yeah. Oh, that really happened? I was at a bar in, yeah. He was getting gamed up. Oh, that really happened? I was at a bar in Santa Monica. He was getting gamed up. I didn't go approach the dude, but

afterwards, he was like, yeah, I told him you were my boyfriend. And I was like, and he still hollered at you? That's disrespectful. Was there really a parade going on? You're at a bar in Santa Monica. Yeah, I'd go ahead and put that in a bar instead of a parade if it was in a bar instead of a parade. Yeah, because I'm waiting for some gay clown to come in at the end. She's trying to be honest.

Oh, shit. Then the gay clown car pulled up. Ten gay clowns pulled a train on my buddy. He's not even gay. There you go. Any time. Did somebody ask, why did Eddie just not say he's straight to the guy instead of bringing you into it?

Because they was aggressive on him, man. It was dangerous in these streets. Where is this? Santa Monica. It's not dangerous. Oh, Santa Monica. They will suck your dick whether you want it or not. Wow.

Pick you up like a bowling ball. Where are you from, Jared? I'm from Denver, Colorado, man. Wow, another person from Denver. Interesting. That's my dog, Josh Barnes. I grew up with my dude. Oh, cool.

There you go. He is the only one there. Giving shout-outs. Denver dudes. 93.5 K-Day, everybody. I mean, does Denver feel the loss of all their black people? One and a half. We couldn't afford a loss like that.

The black guys have left Denver. They're pursuing comedy in California. How'd you like Denver? Did you do comedy works there, or did you start here? I started in Miami when I was in college, and then came out here afterwards. So Denver doesn't know how funny I am yet. Yes. Yes.

They're going to learn when I show up with a gun. Miami's a tough spot to do comedy. Yeah. I'm glad you got out of there. Good for you. So you started in Miami. You went to Denver, but you didn't do comedy in Denver. Then you came to L.A.

No, I'm from Denver. I went to college in Miami. Gotcha. From here, went straight to L.A. So Denver doesn't know how funny you are. Right, I got you now. Denver doesn't even know. Well, Denver actually, you know, this Ustream and Periscope,

they get it in Denver. Oh, God damn it. You're right, they still don't know how funny you are. They're on the fence about it. Jared, what do people tell you that you look like? Do you ever get wolf called on the street as we learn that it's called today? No. Anybody ever yell at you? As far as what?

What are you talking about? I don't know. Explain to me wolf call because I don't know if you're urban slang. What are you talking about, Willis? Has that ever happened to you at Santa Monica? You could get a lot of money if you wanted to go into the daddy business. That's what I believe you're trying to say. Right?

He's a fine piece of man. Well, maybe. You played football at the University of Miami, right? I did. That's right. Very fun. And so you and Josh ever play football together? Is that how you guys know each other?

Well, I guess you're both from Denver. Yeah, yeah. Nah, Josh is a little bit older than me. But Josh, when I was playing, he was actually the shit. But his grades weren't that great, so he ended up going to JUCO, and so... Damn. Damn, I threw him under the bus on that. Under the gay bus.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I was trying to copy this book. Jesus, don't you ever do that. You'll kill everyone on that bus. What's wrong with you? A bus is not built to withstand that kind of thing And they're both black So I'm pretty sure you threw him under the back of the bus

Oh nice That's a laugh you fucking idiots That's a laugh It was too far Fucking audience I think they did that joke already And they laugh. No, no, no. It was too far. Came too far for this shit, Tony. Fucking audience. I think they did that joke already on Rosa Parks and Rec.

And that gets a laugh and an applause break. You fucking hacks. What are these noises? Jared, you're the only guy in the room right now with a serious look on your face I don't like that shit man I don't play that shit He's not here to have Made fun of by five white guys I know

What's going on Everyone had no Confederate flag Under that motherfucking Whoa Okie dokie Thanks for coming You know what that means He's gone everybody

Take your old dumb friend Josh And get the fuck out of here Another funny appearance From the great Jared Campbell There you go It's not bad He's got a tight knit Jared Q-U-A-Y is him on Twitter.

So follow him. See what happens next. Guys, this is the part of the show where every week we have two regulars. I don't know if I told you about this part, Kurt. We have two regulars, two young ladies that do a brand new minute every single week. They've been doing that for a very long time. So this week's no different. Put your hands together for your first regular.

University of Florida dropout. One of our favorite people. She started stand-up comedy right here and has been doing it every episode since. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. There's a lot of things that bother me when I'm having sex. One of those things is guys that talk too much during it.

You know, guys that talk a lot during sex, they'll say things like, Oh, yeah, right there. Or, Oh, my God, you look so good. Or, Kim, move, you're out of frame, we're going to have to shoot again tomorrow. I've been under a lot of pressure lately, and that's because my new co-star is obese. Thank you. I'm not a porn star.

I'm a comedian, which is pretty close. I've never done a black show, but I've heard they're much bigger. Thank you. Just collecting those laughs. The small ones count. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Try to break me.

It's not going to happen. There you go. Fuck yeah. Kim, how long are you doing comedy for? I guess I should keep this out. Two years. Oh. Yeah, so you kind of got it.

You have better jokes. It sounds like you understand how to make a joke, you know? Yeah. Well, I've been doing this show every week for two years, too. So I've been writing a new joke a lot. A new minute a week. That's a pretty sweet closer though. Try to break me.

Good night. Yeah, it was interesting. You can't fucking break me. I couldn't remember my last one. I was watching over here and it was like at a minute five and I guess there was like a technical problem because I saw Brian hitting the kitten button and for some reason it wasn't playing

and you just started to melt down. It was pretty interesting. 62 seconds. You're exactly used to 60 seconds and we see what happens now at 62 and you're just like, you can't break me. I wrote a minute. Fuck all y'all. You turn straight villain. Okie dokie.

Fuck yeah, you know what that sound means. Anyway. It means this place is finally burning down? What I found interesting was that you did the you don't do porn start of a joke after the pressure thing, but not after the porn joke. There was a porn,

we have to shoot tomorrow, right? And then you did Under Pressure. And then you said, I don't do porn. Yeah, I wanted to throw in that black comedy thing that didn't hit very well. So bad. And I couldn't figure out where to put it. Do you think black shows are bigger than normal shows?

Nope. No, but they, no. They can be. Especially if you're starting, yeah. I'd say they're a bit larger. Really? But there are other double entendre words other than just the fact that they have a big dick. You know what I mean?

If you're going to compare the show to the show in the theater, they never come on time. You know what I mean? There's something there that you could throw in as an additional joke. But you get how to do a set- They never come on time. You know what I mean? There's something there that you could throw in as an additional show. But you get how to do a set up and a punchline. The show can't swim. Oh my god.

Oh my god. How could a show swim, Brian? The show won't shut up during a movie. won't shut up during a movie. This shows credit. Oh my god. They jumped back to being an audience in that one. That's weird how it came full circle

like that. You know what I mean? Kim, that's another new minute. How do you feel about it? I feel okay about it. It's another new minute. Yeah. How do you feel about it? I feel okay about it. It's not my best, but I'm... The pressure thing, that's like just a fat joke. You're under pressure and there's a fat guy on top of you. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like porn stars don't know the word obese. You know what I mean? Right. What? They don't feel anything? My co-star is obese. It's a smarter way to say that.

I don't know. Go work on it, I guess. Whatever. You're going to do it here? Fuck yeah, Kim. Okay. Did it again. All right, bye.

Kim Congdon, everybody. She's on Twitter, Kim Congdon. Doug Benson. Hey, how long does this go? We're almost there. Oh, my ass is killing me. There's two regulars in the show every time, as he set up a minute ago, Kurt. Speaking of regular, I've got to wrap this show up. Really? You've got a big dump brewing?

Is that what that means? I was going to ignore it, but since Doug brought it up, what does it mean? What was that regular thing? I guess it was a shit joke. Oh, it really is. I'm thinking about it. Fuck yeah. Well, here's our number two regular comedian.

Jesus Christ. Put your hands together for her. You know her from this show, Everything. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. What's up? The bigger the headphones, the worse the taste in music. No one's listening to Bach on their beats.

Dr. Dre doesn't have a PhD. Why are people trusting him with their ears? Why are people trusting him with their ears? Worse than people wearing beets on their ears or people who wear beets on their neck. That shit's offensive. I just don't understand why beets are so expensive when they pair so well with people who are unemployed. All right. pair so well with people who are unemployed. Alright.

Fuck yeah. Just 40 seconds. Do you have anything? That was just 40 seconds? You were expecting what, like giant applause breaks? Yeah, I mean I thought like when I wrote it out it seemed like I had five points. I think I'm under this week guys. It just rarely happens. Oh, it seemed like I had five points. I think I'm under this week, guys.

It just rarely happens. Oh, it's okay. Jeez. That was amazing. Guys, I didn't quite come through with my part this week. I'd like to apologize. You know Tony wears beets around his neck. Not really.

Yeah, those red ones. Those aren't beets, though. Those are the Bluetooth ones, the little ones? Bluetooth wireless beets. Those aren't big. They're like the little ones that wrap around your ear, right red ones. The wire, those aren't beats though. Those are the Bluetooth one, the little one. Bluetooth wireless. Those aren't big. They're like the little ones that wrap around your ear, right? Right. I thought about that while I was writing it. Mine?

Yeah. The little ones? Yeah, you're off the hook. You're off the hook. That's what I mean. I thought. When have you, when, what? Yeah.

How do you guys see me wearing? Are you doing this? Are you really doing this right now? Are you doing a mocking joke? Did you just turn into a three-year-old right in front of my eyes? I actually love Beats, and that sucks. I don't like to comment on this because I like those headphones. Why are you hating on Beats?

I just don't understand. I feel like people are using it as an expensive purse when they wear it. Can I tell you something? Your theory is pretty good about Beats because when I first met Red Band, he was blasting mashups. That was his favorite shit. You're goddamn right with that Beats material. But just don't tell it in like a fucking...

Look at that dum-dum voice everybody has to do now. How do you talk just now? Do it like that. I like talking in that voice. I know it like deadpans a thing, but when does anybody live pan? She did a dum-dum voice?

You know that's the fucking dum-dum voice everybody does? Because you're a joke writer. I can see you're a joke writer so that's what leads to that. What's the dum-dum voice? Can you do an impression of the dum-dum voice, Kurt? It's the fucking whatever. I know what it means. It's just like the disinterested. Like she's autistic

looking at a toy model train delivering the joke. But people do that as a thing, but I'm just saying you don't need to do that. You just do your joke. Your jokes are good. You don't have to do all that. Okay. Okay. Snappy delivery might have been, you might have misconstrued it as dumb dumb voice.

Just normal voice. Sorry. What's funny is that there's other headphones. You could go into Dr. Dre, and then there's these other guys. MC Hammer has headphones, and all these other. Ludacris. Ludacris has 50 Cent. You could go into all of these different kinds of headphone guys.

It's weird. Do you listen to music through headphones? Airbuds. Airbuds? Whatever they're fucking called. She puts a dog in each ear that's able to score basketball shots. We gave Doug the loudest mic. If we all have the same joke at the same

time. I have the loudest mic. I will trump all of you with my loud mic. I wasn't going to say the dogs. I was going to say copies of the DVD of the hit movie. But either way. I have a headphone company called Dumb Dumb Voice. And they look

just like how that sounds. Can I plug Dumb Dumb Voice? Kurt's alone on this Dumb Dumb Voice thing. Actually, I agree completely with Kurt. I totally get exactly what he means. Two Dumb Dumb Voices. Yeah. I think maybe it's kind of more a Los Angeles thing, you know?

I feel like, yeah. Like every joke's a question at the end, you know? Did I say, yeah, I could see that. Like, I go up with it instead of just going flatline. Well, not flatline. Like, use your actual speaking voice is what Kurt was suggesting, I think. Oh, yeah. I guess that's a much shorter way of saying it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, try speaking next time instead of whatever it was you were doing where we understood every word you were saying. Well, it's just, I think that people just kind of turned off when you just called it

dipshit talk and they didn't listen to your greater point. Why would that turn people off? It's fucking hilarious. No, I enjoyed it. They're fucking dipshits when they talk like that.

I'm just trying to explain why it didn't go well with these fucking dum-dums. I mean, holy shit. What a collection of waterheads. I don't even understand why I have to sit here and hear this.

You said that people that have... We have a water shortage here, sir. There's a water shortage in California where there are no waterheads. I don't know. Listen, Doug got me really high. It was my joint. It's not his fault. I got't know. Listen, Doug got me really high. It was my joint. It's not his fault. I got you really high with that joint you pulled out of your pocket.

It was actually behind his ear. But he said to finish it, so. Constructively speaking, I was looking forward to what you were going to say about Dr. Dre not actually being a doctor. And I feel like there was probably more to that. You know what I mean? Don't trust him. Other than just like don't trust. I don't think anybody associates doctors

with people's ears per se. I was going to say something like he only has a GRE or something like that. Dr. Dre makes headphones that probably give you cancer. I don't know if that's legal to say on a thing you put out on the internet.

He's a billionaire. I'll take a... You know who it doesn't. I don't know if that's legal to say on a thing you put out on the internet. He's a billionaire. You know that? Oh, yeah. No, I know. But you know who the highest paid rapper last year was? Ludacris. Really? Yeah.

That's Ludacris. Because of his headphones and his movie appearances. I did that. I found that out when researching during the Bieber roast that all three of us wrote on, right? Yeah. He was a big douche, that guy. Yeah. Ludicrous.

Yeah. I remember talking to him on the phone, and at one point he stops me and he goes, I'm going to stop you there. Does the rest of the deus get to respond? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was there when he did that. After each joke? It was like a tit-for-tat thing.

Yeah. After each joke? Yeah, he wanted to know. was there when he did that. After each joke? It was like a tit-for-tat thing. Yeah. After each joke? Yeah, he wanted to know. I've never seen a roast. I'm an idiot. Yeah, yeah. This is what he said. He goes, so when they make a joke, do I say something?

And it's like, no. What the fuck? Dude, you know what? He thought it was your mama. Yeah, we had to stop him. We had to go, excuse me, Luda, have you ever seen a roast before? And he didn't. So we told him to watch a roast.

Can I tell you my Paul Walker joke that got cut? Because he was no Paul Walker joke. That's why he got so shitty. That's why he gave me the finger as he drove away on a little golf cart. He left fast and furious. It was... If you get my Tokyo Drift. If you get my Tokyo drift.

That would have been a perfect place to end this, but I already set up this. Do it. Yeah, do it. You might not know this, but Ludacris was in the last Fast and Furious movie. You might not know it because all the press was around the late Paul Walker, which is totally unfair because I'm sure Luda was really late too. Every day.

No. He was late every day. He was late every day. I get it. I get it. He's a rapper. I've worked with black people. Yeah, but he's a rapper.

Yeah, that's the thing. I have. I'm sorry. He was also late. There's a lateness factor. Fuck yeah. Sarah Weinshank. It was fun.

I enjoy it. Kurt has a thing with your voice I just said just don't do a character just do your speaking voice it's an interesting one that's a tough one I don't even know I don't know where the character ends and where you begin because she sort of is a character you know she's like one of those

people but but I heard how she's talked to you just before I mean I'm listening to what she's saying. He's just saying more natural. Scale back the dumb dumb voice. I guess it's a dumb dumb voice. I mean, now you're calling it a dumb dumb voice. That makes it pretty much official.

It's in medical books, so whatever. Sarah Weinshank, thank you so much. There she goes. She's Princess Shank on Twitter, on Instagram. Follow her. Guys, things that you want to promote. Doug, can you just say the name of the movie?

Chronic Con, Episode 420, A New Dope, this Friday, VOD, iTunes. Thank you. I love it. Anything else at Doug Benson? Douglovesmovies.com for dates, deets, and links. Kurt Metzger. Oh, I got a podcast with

Sherrod Small called Race Wars, and it's going on Sirius, too. So you can find it on iTunes. Fuck it. Or if you got Sirius, you can find it. Awesome. Jesse Joyce. I'm working on it at midnight for the next few months, so watch that. I'm doing the Comedy Club on State in Madison, Wisconsin in August.

Awesome. Great club. I love it. Yeah, San Francisco, Montreal, Toronto. I'm going to see you guys soon. Look up those dates. I don't know them. That's how professional I am. Brian Redband. See you later, guys. Bye, live audience. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Oh, wait a second.

Guys, wait a second. We're going to extend it for just half a second. Ryan J. E-Belt, our artist, you can follow him on Twitter, on Instagram, draws every episode. Oh, look at that. During the episode, and he drew tonight's episode. Look at that. And it turns out we have some kind of, oh, yeah, cat wolf playing card. Awesome thing with a K and a T.

Ryan J. Ebel, check it out on Instagram and Twitter, everybody. He did that all during this episode live. There you go. Ryan J. Ebel. This is Kill Tony, episode 111. Good night. We'll be right back. We won't fall. We won't fall. We won't fall. We won't fall. Yeah.