KILL TONY - KILL TONY #113

Episode Date: September 3, 2015

Moshe Kasher, Rick Ingraham, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 07/13/2015   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. We have a Death Squad secret show in the main room, returning to the Comedy Store on September 9th. In the past, we've had Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope, Louis C.K., Jeff Ross, a bunch of people. This is always an amazing show. So check it out. It's at the Comedy Store, September 9th in the main room.

The Death Squad Secret Show. Also, me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going back to Phoenix, Arizona to stand up live. One show, one night only. September 17th. Tickets are on sale right now. So come on out to stand up live. Phoenix, Arizona, September 17th. Also, Kill Tony is every Monday in the Belly Room. It's a free show. It starts at 8 o'clock.

And don't forget Verbal Violence, the podcast of the Roast Battle, which is now on Death Squad, is every Tuesday night. So check out thecomedystore.com or just go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, don't forget the Death Squad go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates also don't forget the death squad store shopsquad.tv we have a bunch of new hats the starlux hat the mclucky hat

we got a couple shirts in now so check it out it's very limited supplies so it's first come first serve shopsquad.tv check out tonyhingecliff.com for his tour dates and merch. And just subscribe to us, guys, on iTunes.

Search for Death Squad. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hanks, please. Yeah, everybody. Hi, everyone. Welcome. Fuck yeah.

Look at this. This is how it happens, the magic. Every Monday night, guys. Welcome. Hello yeah. Look at this. This is how it happens. The magic. Every Monday night, guys. Welcome. Hello, live audience. How are you? See that? Hello to the hundreds and hundreds on Periscope and the thousands and thousands on Ustream and the tens and tens in this room right now.

I'm really excited, as always. It's always fun to jolt you awake on a Monday evening. Try to re-wake you up. Anyway, you guys ready for a crazy night or what? Put your hands together for the great Ryan J. Ebel, the artist everybody. Every week he draws a picture

from scratch. He starts now at the beginning of the episode and by the end of the episode, he draws a picture of this week's episode of Kill Tony. Keep it going. One more time for the band leader, Pat Reagan, everybody. There he is. Live and in the flesh, Pat Reagan. How's it going tonight, Pat? It's going good. How are you, Tony? Great. You really are blind, by the way. I tried on... Have you tried on his glasses before?

No, I don't want to do it. It's ridiculous. Negative 10 prescription. How are your eyes not super big? Is it because it's like the opposite? I don't know. My dad just had a detached retina last week. I went back to Boston.

Like his eye popped out? His retina separated from his eye. And that's his second detached retina in two years. So I got some genetics, man. Fuck yeah. Interesting story to start the show.

I love that. Fuck yeah. We don't see the glasses too often. What happened, Pat? Our contacts. Where'd the contacts go tonight? You just going for a more alt look? Are you trying to disguise yourself so that Rick Ingram, who's on tonight's show, doesn't remember who you were from last time?

Yeah. Well, let's get into it, guys. Brian, you ready for this? Of course. Every week we have two of our funniest friends on, and this week's no different. Here they are, everybody. Moshe Kesher and Rick Ingram. Tonight's guests.

Fuck yeah. Live in the flesh. Two returning guests. Two of our favorites. Happy Monday, Jason. Feels good. Look at this crowd. They are as unatt ugly attractive as usual yeah we were thinking the same thing we would not

fuck these people that's all right we fuck yeah we would but we'd feel better about ourselves I'd just be ashamed of it well welcome back guys thank you how are you I great fantastic another beautiful. Did you get rid of the robot? Yeah, we're rid of the robot. We've had, as Rick Ingram calls him, guitar comic, Pat Reagan. You just got replaced Iron Man with a guy that looks like

he hangs out with me, basically. To the podcast listeners at home, we both look like sort of gay podcast people. Hey. I like it. We get the insults towards Pat right away. I didn't insult him. I said he looks like me,

motherfucker. Fuck you. If I would have said it, it would have been an insult. Just so we're clear. Last time Rick was on, I mean, you really hurt Pat Reagan. Barbs were flying. I mean, at me. If Rick Ingram is Superman, then guitar heroes are his Lex Luthor.

He hates you with a passion. I actually suggested that they execute you on Twitter earlier today. No joke. Go back and two tweets back. I saw that. Not only did I see that tweet, I favorited it. Also true. Well, you got type 1 diabetes.

Don't you think it's a little... Oh, no. When you go for a talk... Oh, no. Let me just say, Rick. My first note is when you're going to go for a debilitating disease joke, you want to stick the fucking landing every time. For sure.

Otherwise, it's just informative. It's like, I don't want everyone to be on your side. fucking land. Otherwise, it's just informative. I don't want everyone to be on your side. You can't eat carbs. That sucks. Rick, you're dying, right? Slowly. Wow.

Pat, did you have a chance to rewrite your joke in the meanwhile that that just happened? Do you even know what you were going to say? He's keeping it to himself. I love it. I think that's the best thing he's done so far. I love it. Well, welcome back, guys. We're in. This is where the magic happens. Every week,

over 40 comedians sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds in front of our esteemed panel and us goofballs. We talk to them and you guys have done this so you all know what's up. Live audience,

are you ready for this shit or what? You know, Tony, the audience is a lot bigger and better than the first one ever. Really? Were you at the first one ever? I was at the first one ever.

Oh, yeah. The first one ever was crazy. It was only the comedians that signed up for the show. Did you have diabetes then? I sure did. That's awesome. When you have diabetes...

Exactly. Exactly. Fuck yeah. Comedians, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wow. Or two kitties. Or fucking. Yeah, that means wrap it up

then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He sounds furious. Feel the bass. Fuck yeah. So wrap it up. Do your time and don't bring out the bear or else everybody will hate you. Are you guys ready for episode 100 and something of Kill Tony?

Wow. Come on Monday night. Make some fucking noise. That's a couple years. They just kept the same exact amount of noise going. That's rare. That's always a good sign. They're mocking us. Well let's get it started. Your first person doing 60 seconds tonight

goes by the name of Antonio Houston. Yes. And it has begun. Yes. Hello, everybody. I'm kind of high right now. I'm stoned. This is real shit, real shit.

I have no jokes. This is all real shit. I just recently lost my dog. But, yeah, I was so sad. But I had a date that same night. So I go out on my date, and she takes me back to her place. a date that same night. So I go out on my date and she takes me back to her place and we're having sex. And all of a sudden I just started busting up in tears. Oh my God. Oh my God. She's like, oh my God, this is the greatest pussy ever. Right? No, I miss my dog. I just lost him today.

She was like, so you rather fuck your dog than me? Right about now, yeah. Yeah, I miss him that much. Yeah, this morning. Real shit, real shit. For real. This morning I woke up and my mom is like bipolar. And like, yeah, yeah. And I said, Mom, how do you feel? And she's like, I feel like Rick.

Goddamn, that bear. That's quick. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I've never seen the bear that early in the show. He's excited tonight. He sounded racist. And that bear for three weeks in a row.

Nigger, get off the stage. It's shaking. Just to clarify, that was neither Rick nor me saying that speak for yourself you were thinking it I just don't want I'm from Kansas I can't help it

no real shit real shit I would love to be a comedian that every time I do a joke at the end if it doesn't work it's like no no no real shit real shit

yeah right it's all good none of that fake shit you really really miss your dog huh to do a joke at the end if it doesn't work. It's like, no, no, no, real shit, real shit. It's all good. None of that fake shit. You really miss your dog, huh? Yeah, I really do. What's funny was that you kept saying real shit but it was clear that it was not real shit.

There's no way that she said this is the best pussy ever and then you were like, no, I miss my dog and then she was like, you'd rather fuck your dog and then you were like, yes, I'd rather fuck my dog. That really happened? When he says it. How real is real shit? That's fake shit.

That's not real shit. That sounds like a joke. I appreciate that you came out and you were like, I got no jokes. The point is that you're supposed to tell jokes for a minute. And you were like, no, I'm going to sell this on just fucking personality. And the crowd was like, nope, we're not buying. But I got a catchphrase, real shit. How long has your dog been, how long has your dog real shit been missing for

Oh man Three months now It really just ran away Oh damn What's your home life like Oh man you wouldn't even imagine From what I understand you woke up one day And your mom was bipolar

That's right I forgot that completely Yes I woke up one day wait is that how that really started yeah yeah that was the best part my mom's bipolar that day she just switched flips and mama suddenly just fucking up and down which is nice what what was the punch on you said how, how you feeling today? And then mom said. She turned into Rick Ross. I feel like Rick Ross. Meek Mill, whatever.

You're right about that no jokes thing. No, that sounds like real shit. Actually, it's not real shit. It's fake shit. It's based on a misconception between bipolar disorder and multiple personality disorder. And it's time for us to stop eliminating that kind of ignorance. And that is real shit. Yeah.

Wow. Real shit. Man, move aside, Dr. Drew. Oh, I think we found your dog. Okay. Oh, no. It sounds like he's in Koreatown. Oh, the poor thing.

It sounds like... What was your dog's name? SJ. SJ? Wait, did you... So you lost your... Is your mom really bipolar? Oh, yeah.

So you lost your dog and your mom was bipolar one day. Oh, yeah, right? It's been a rough... No wonder you went into comedy. Yeah. You just got to add some jokes to it and you're golden, man.

Yeah. That's how fucked up enough life that could work out eventually. Yeah. How long... How many times have you been on stage? Hmm. Golden, man. That's how fucked up enough life that could work out eventually. How many times have you been on stage? How many months? How many anythings? Is it three months as soon as the dog ran away? Let me ask you this. Before SJ ran away,

did SJ see you perform stand-up comedy? Oh, all the time. I think I understand where he went. He's at the Laugh Factory right now. Scouting open mics for a new owner. all the time. He's at the laugh factory right now. Scouting open mics for a new owner. He's not going to be paying for the good kibbles. I'm fucking moving on.

Lord knows he doesn't have bits. Kibbles and bits combo joke right there. Oh, hey, wow. Set it up, knock it down. That's right. That was one of those ones that was so good I didn't even register it. It was not there for me.

That's what I do. Every once in a while I'll do a joke where I have to notify everyone that I did a joke. Oh, the bits, okay. This is your third time on stage? At Kill Tony. You only performed at Kill Tony? You only do a minute.

That's plenty, honestly, from where I'm sitting. No, I'm kidding. You should do other stuff. Is the dog here? You should do other things than Kill Tony. Yeah, I know. I've been going to different little stages. Oh, I see.

This is your third time doing Kill Tony. Oh, you've done other shows. Okay. That's real shit, then. How long have you been doing comedy? For about four years now. Oh, fuck. Real shit?

Wait, no, no, no. Real shit? You should quit. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You don't do it very often, do you?

No. No, you should do it more often. I mean... If you're going to do it, you got to do it all the time. Yeah. And you got to never start by, I have no jokes. That's true. And then follow with no jokes.

That's like the number one thing that's going to slow you down. Right, you should follow with jokes or not say the thing in the beginning and not have jokes. Yeah. What do you do for work? I do everything. Oh, shit. That sounds like someone who's unemployed to me.

Prostitution, no prostitution. But I was working on Hollywood Boulevard for a minute as a tour guide. Oh, really? Yes. Real shit? Yes, real shit. So you do everything, and the first thing that you name is tour guide on Hollywood Boulevard? Yeah, I did that for about a year.

And that's another way of saying I'm homeless. I eat out of a gutter. I would trick tourists into following me around. Smart. Very smart. Are you from LA? Yes, I am. Born and raised.

Which part? I'm from the San Fernando Valley. Tell us more about this living situation. What is it? Right now, I had to move back in with my mother. How old are you? 26. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. So, I just got a job at Walmart. I think we all moved back in. Oh, you got a job at Walmart? Yeah. Oh, shit. Do that. I mean, there should be a minute of material about working at Walmart immediately.

That'd be so cool if you were like, you should walk up to every customer and be like, real shit, I have no customer service skills whatsoever. You know what I mean? Yeah, I like that. I love it. He's good at everything he does. That's what I like about it. Renaissance, man. What else, Antonio?

What do you want to do? What do you want to be when you grow up? Black and still living. Real shit. And with that, everybody, Antonio Houston. Yeah. There he goes. Nice work.

I mean, for us. Wait, but Antonio, would you accept still living, just still living, but somehow not black any longer? That's an option? Okay, great, great. Puerto Rican and alive. Wait, wait. Go back to the mic for a second. Antonio, that hat.

You took the hat off. Oh, come on. He almost got away with nobody mentioning the hat. I forgot because he took it off purposefully because I'm sure he knew. If you've done this show three times then you probably know that it's a style move. I disagree completely Tony because if he was embarrassed he would have left the hat in the crowd.

He brought it on stage, took it off before as if to say it's comedy time. Last time I came with a hat on they were like oh my god take your hat off we can't see your eyes. And you were like fuck it I'm going to wear the hat tonight. And then you got up there and you're like, oh, fuck no.

That was a bad decision. What's SJ short for when you named your dog? No, I actually got it from the blind side. What? The little kid in blind side. Oh, oh, oh, oh. The movie. So you named him after the kid in blind side.

I knew I'd never get a white son, so I said, fuck it. You could get a white son. You work at Walmart now. Just take one. The parents wouldn't even mind. That's one list. Let's do this. What kind of dog was it?

A pit bull. Let's move on. What a stupid question. Pit bull mix. Sure. Was it a pitbull? No. Damn it!

Am I racist? Yes. No. What kind of dog was it? Do you know? Thank you very much. Where'd you get it from? It was a gift.

It was a gift for my birthday. Oh. They gave it to me. Hey, you know what? I have no idea where most of my birthday presents are, so it's not that big of a deal. That shit very rarely means anything. Just forget about it.

I just want to befriend you. I feel like you need a hug. My brother said that this morning. He said, do you need a hug? There you go. Hopefully you find that at some point. Somebody hug him. Go to the back of the room.

Somebody hug Antonio. There he goes, everybody. Antonio point. Somebody hug him. Go to the back of the room. Somebody hug Antonio. There he goes, everybody. Antonio Houston. Not on Twitter. Not on Twitter. No jokes. He's heading in the same direction as Whitney Houston. You know what I mean? To the top.

Certainly not into a bathtub. No. Guys, come on. What the fuck? Alright. That was a bathtub. No. Guys, come on. What the fuck? All right. That was a not clean joke. It was a clean joke, actually. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Ify Nwadawe.

Yeah. Definitely a white guy. Oh, there's Ify. So yeah, my name's Ify. It's actually short for Ify Shakude Ijeomamwadiwe. And that name is given to me because my dad comes from a little place called Nigeria and decided to name me that even though his name is Chris Wadiwe. And I always give him a lot of shit about it. I'd be like, Dad, Dad, why am I Ife Shikude and you're Chris?

He's like, Ife, I gave you this name because it's a traditional name from Nigeria. Everyone in Nigeria has a name like that. And I was like, dope. He's like, okay. But then I went to Nigeria and met my cousins, Barbara, Michael, and my uncle Tupac. So it didn't make any sense. But my dad was weird. He would always dress me up wherever we went. No matter where I went, I was super dressed up. If it was a dinner party, in a suit. If it was a birthday party, I was in a suit. Slumber party, I was in a suit. But I grew up in the hood, so I just always looked like I had a court date.

So I was like, who's this thug-ass baby? Fuck yeah. Ify Nwadowe. Ify, yeah. Wow. I mean, it started with the most effeminate handshake with Moshe of all time. That was cool black shit you don't know about, dude. What the fuck are you talking about?

That was just some old laid-back pimping. That's nice. Just two Nigerian brothers saying hello. Ify and Moshe, classic Nigerian names. hello. Ify and Moshe, some classic Nigerian names. Actually, in Nigeria, they do a dance at their weddings where they pin money on the bride

and that feels extremely Jewish to me. So I do feel like we're connected. Ify, how long have you been on stand-up? About three years now. Where at? Just trying to get up anywhere. I do some stuff at UCB. I do try and get up at the store. Come here every Monday, everybody. You won't get up anywhere. I do some stuff at UCB. I do try and get up at the store.

Come here every Monday, everybody. You won't get up. You know, stuff like that. Can you get Antonio Houston any stage time around town? I love your style. You're a bigger guy. I don't know why we're both wearing boys' smalls right now.

He's got Urkel glasses, which is cool. Yeah, but what's dope about your look, actually, is that you're like full-on 10 out of 10 hipster, but also you've got like extreme Hulk Hogan python, so it's like, it's as if daring someone to talk shit about your look.

You know what I mean? You knock somebody out, you're like, did I do that? Yeah, I did that, motherfucker. That's an Urkel joke. You worked it. Buff Urkel. Funny, I Yeah, I did that, motherfucker. That's an Urkel joke. You worked at it. Buff Urkel. Yeah. Funny. I mean, you're funny, dude.

We're friends. That's the laid-back pimpin'. But I've never seen you do stand-up. When it came up, I was like, I hope. You know that feeling? I hope. Oh, fuck. Don't let this be awful, because then I wouldn't be able to look at you anymore.

And you were super funny. That was great. That was good. You were really funny. That's real shit. With jokes. He came up here with jokes and real shit, which is a winning combination.

What do you keep in the pocket that's in your t-shirt? You know, love letters. That's the UCB in him talking right now. A cute little reference like that. That's what we talk about at the UCB. Oh, really? I don't know what it's like down there. Do you need a veterinarian?

Because those puppies are sick. Damn. Oh, wow, that's a big bicep joke from Red Band, everybody. Come on. Red Band, were you literally looking? What you should have done was made the puppy sound a big noise when you said it. Were you looking at a joke joke bonus points?

No, I actually heard... Actually, somebody I saw recently do that, but being serious. Like, hey, do you know a number for a vet? Because these puppies are sick. But he was being 100% serious to a girl. Because usually I only see you be creepy towards the female. That was nice, though. Knew me, man. Kept it open.

I thought that suit stuff was really cool because it almost brought a visceral imagery to me. I felt like I could smell the suit. You know what I mean? I felt like the suit didn't smell good. He wore it a lot. Yeah, he wore it all the time.

It's like a Frasier Smith type of suit. It's so inside baseball. I liked it of suit. It's inside baseball. So inside. I liked it, man. Yeah, you're funny, dude. Yeah, it's good. You seem like the kind of guy that lays a book on the ground and opens it and just starts doing push-ups over the book. Yeah, you seem like the type of dude that found Allah in prison kind of a thing. I love it, man. It's so funny. There was the suit thing and then there's the of a thing. I love it, man.

It's so funny. There was the suit thing and then there's the Nigerian thing. Do you mostly talk about your dad? Do you talk a lot about that type of culture stuff? A little bit. When I started out, I started doing more of my dad's stuff and I got a chance to do his accent

and he told me to stop. You got to keep doing it Then yeah, what about mom? What's mom story mom? She's from Louisiana, so she's you know southern Not much other than you know I'm in the closet atheist with her because she's so religious. Oh wow yeah Yeah, so don't watch the podcast mom she would not trust me if she's religious. She would not watch this show Also, she's got to be real religious to think you have to watch a podcast.

Living in the stone ages. I think your dad wrote me once saying I won a lot of money. That was great. Very good. Yes. That almost makes up for your puppy joke. That was good.

That's the shitty part of being Nigerian, because I can't have a rich uncle who wants to give me money, but he'll never get past the spam filters. Please tell me you do have a lot of material about that, because that's, yeah, okay, cool. Fun, fun. Yeah, you're good. Ify, you did it.

Glad you're good. And he's an actor, too. He's a sketch guy, an improv dude. What are you, his agent? Yeah, yeah. I'm Jewishfy, you did it. Glad you're good. And he's an actor, too. He's a sketch guy, an improv dude. What are you, his agent? Yeah, yeah. I'm Jewish, didn't I tell you? Don't you know that? I represent people.

I represent hip hop. I do it all, man. The handshake makes a lot more sense now. Yeah. It was like, do this for both of us. No, I'm just sure you guys have practiced that handshake numerous times at coffee shops in Los Feliz. Well, it's a secret.

It's a hands trick that often is done underneath a bathroom stall. Nice. That's a homosexual situation. He did say he was in the closet, but it was about God, so we'll count it. I love it. Ify, you did it. So fun.

Ify Nwadaway, everybody. He's on Twitter at Ify's Not Funny. That's I-F-Y-S, not funny. All one word. I-F-Y-S. Modest. Yeah. Moshe, you just did Zoolander in Italy. Can you talk about that? Yeah, I can talk about it.

That was cool, right? Yeah, I was the on-set writer, the punch-up guy on Zoolander for the past three months. I literally got back yesterday, so I'm a little actually spaced out. If you think I'm funny now. But it was great. It was good. I was in the movie, too. I literally got back yesterday, so I'm a little actually spaced out. So if you think I'm funny now. But it was great. It was good. I was in the movie too. I play an English chimney sweep. I love it. Or I should say I play

Owen Wilson's lover. Nice. Lucky bastard. Zoolander 3. Zoolander 2. Unless you know something I don't know. Who knows? It could be like a Kill Bill situation where it's so good they have to split it into two separate movies. No, the movie's going to be super fucking funny.

It was great. Really good. I love it. Excited. I got to stare at Penelope Cruz. I mean, that was just great. Did you creep her out? At one point I might have, yeah.

It's a dream. It's one of your dreams? Yeah. Stick with me, kid. I just want to creep out Penelope Cruz. All you got to do is learn that handshake and then when you meet her, just give it to her. Soft. It's a dream. It's one of your dreams? Yeah. Stick with me, kid. I just want to creep out Penelope Cruz. All you got to do is learn that handshake, and then when you meet her, give it to her. Soft.

Pat's back, everybody. Oh, good. Pat, where'd you just go? I just got this thing. What's that? It's the thing I left on my other guitar. Thank God. Fuck, yeah.

What does it do? It's a tuner. Oh, okay. I got a new, doesn't matter. I got new strings. We were talking while you were gone. And so they go out of tune. While you were gone, we were like, you know what? His guitar sounded a little out of tune.

I hope he corrects that. It sounded really out of tune. It sounded pretty bad. It'll be better now. I pulled another name out of the bucket, everybody. Here we go. Put your hands together for Lou Varam. Yep.

Oh, shit. What's up, everybody? So I'm 23. I live here in L.A., and the last girl I hooked up with was 31. I'm not bragging, but she was. That means that when she was off getting her master's degree, I was a Pokemon master.

But, you know, I used to be kind of picky. It's kind of changed my attitude towards women. I used to be kind of picky. And now, got to catch them all. So, yeah. I'm a little guy I'm 140 pounds Got a lot of attitude And I realized the last time I was

Yeah, yeah I do From Philly, fuck yeah I got a lot of attitude And I realized the last time I was having sex with a girl She's grabbing on to me really tight Holding on really tight And I realized it wasn't because she was that into the sex. She wasn't that into the sex. It's just to keep me

from floating away, mostly. Alright. But I don't get into that many fights. The last fight I got into, I was drunk. Okay, fine. Fuck yeah. Are you gay? I am not gay.

You're not gay? No, he told you. He used the word girl like 90,000 times in that set. Just to make sure he could somehow offset those flip-flops by saying woman again and again. As a woman, as a man that fucks women exclusively, women I like women. I'm a heterosexual man who likes women

despite the sandals. Women, women, women, women, women, women, women. He did let us know, I guess. It's just... A lot to you man that's awesome I get the feeling that this women thing that's not real shit no it's gonna keep making that he also he also said he brought a lot of attitude. It's just like a... Totally. You got to be careful with that because this is West Hollywood and you're sending the wrong message with hip checks. Right.

You're also kind of like hip hop kind of thing, but like with extra small shirt kind of situation. Yeah. And like the flip flop. There's a lot of mixed messages I'm getting. And then I love that you brought notes to a one-minute set. And then toss that shit down. Right, but bailed on him within like second 20. Was like, oh, fuck it.

I'm in the zone. He had a pre-planned hand move. 40 more seconds to go, baby. I can do this. Just so straight. Pussy all day, y'all. And he threw the book down quick because he had a hand motion

that he had to do. In the notes, obviously. It was his whole set and then it said bracket hand motion. So he threw it. Where are you from? I'm from Philadelphia. Right. How long have you been out of Philly?

I guess like three or four months. There it is. Three or four months. There's nothing wrong with that. I know how to stand. No, I think that's okay, man. Look at me. You know, you got to just be, do you.

It's hard to have any attitude if I don't get to put my hand on my head. Or if you don't get a hot fuck. That's what RuPaul said as well. It's all about attitude. Growing up in Philly, there should have been ample bullying that took care of this problem. You'd think so, wouldn't you? But every time I'd just

cry like a bitch and go to the principal's office and wouldn't have to do anything. What'd you grow up listening to? Hip-hop. I went to an all-black school. I fucking had to. You started dressing like that when you moved here? Basically. Before, you were like,

there I have to wear baggier jeans and a fucking hoodie all the time. Here, I get to fucking wear whatever I want. No one cares. It's great. Well, we care. We're actually destroying you about it right now. That's a valuable point.

Actually, I think that's cool, actually. I get it. I went to public school in Oakland, so I get feeling like, oh, how do I be me and stuff. It's LA, though. You can be a beautiful lady if you want to be a beautiful lady. Not that you do, obviously. That's what I was going for next.

You fuck a lot of chicks, obviously, so that's not what I'm saying. I'm secretly a transsexual prostitute. Okay. Beautiful. Barely secretly. Oh, that's secret tranny music, everybody. We've had it ready and loaded for at any point if that ever comes up. Always have to be prepared.

Classically conditioned people to every time they hear that music. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three or four months ever since I got out here. Oh, cool. All right. In Boulder some. What's that, in Boulder? In Boulder, Colorado.

Yeah. Oh, that's why the flip-flops. Yeah, basically. It's the white stuff. I would just straight up, I'm going to go ahead and straight up recommend you not wear flip-flops on stage ever again. It's probably a good plan, actually. I'm still going to do this. No, I think you should do that.

You need to own that. That's your thing. Yeah, I like the juxtaposition between a wiggery dude and the flared. Sashay. Yeah, but I just think this is a huge distraction. First of all, your toes are finger-like. They're really... They're long.

Oh, God. That's bad, dude. It is bad. I've never seen the skinny jean into the flip-flop. It's kind of weird. Look, man. If you don't cover up those feet, no dude's going to fuck you Like you wanna do Gay guys are very

Into nicer That's what I was aiming for That's what I was aiming for But I'm not even talking shit About the outfit I could But I'm actually saying Like I think it's a distraction

As a comedian Like I think that's bad Like straight up That's bad Yeah It's just immediately Unless it's part of your thing It's not

Which it's not I just I say, unless it's part of your thing. It's not. Which it's not. I just, I say. Sock it, shoe it, move on. Sock it, shoe it, move on. Yeah. Yep. That's exactly, that's what Lenny Bruce said. Yeah. And Judy Carter, by the way. Bill Hicks. Some of my favorite comedians all said that same thing. Sock it, shoe it, move on.

Fuck yeah, Lou. That's our one advice. Your parents are still alive. No. One is, but one is dead. All right. Just for future reference, if someone asks that, as soon as you say one is, we assume the other one is probably dead. We're all like, well, what happened to the other one?

Is she? Well, where's the other one? Is that a different dimension? Oh, no. She's dead. I got it. How do you pronounce your last name? Varum.

Varum. Varum? Yeah. Which one's still alive? My dad is still alive. What does he think about you doing stand-up? I think he likes the idea. As soon as dad came up.

He's like, who cares what my dad thinks? I don't need him anymore. I was in college. I was pre-med. Oh, shit. You were pre-med? Yeah, I was kind of really depressed, so I left. And I moved out here, and I started doing comedy.

Every great comedian story starts with, I got really depressed. And then I moved out here. But not with, I was pre-med. No. My heart broke a little bit. I was like, you should have stuck with it. But is it your dream to do comedy? Or are you just hobbying?

I've been watching comedy since I was a fucking kid. I basically grew up on it. Fucking a kid? What the hell? That's tough, dude. Pennsylvania. I wasn't a fucking kid. Since I was a young child. I wasn't a fucking kid. Brian, I think you just got Dursky Syndrome. Since I was a young child. Yeah.

I've been watching like Carlin and I was just like alright, I fucking finally have to do this. And so I got up and I got a couple laughs in Boulder and I was like okay, I'm never doing that again. And I've never gotten booed off. Thank you. And I just kept doing it and kept doing it and kept coming back and finally

more than just one group of giggly, drunk girls in the back of the room were laughing. Had to be girls, didn't it? Definitely fucked those chicks when the show ended. Yeah, because my dick gets hard for girls. Only had sex with one girl. You know what I mean? I put it in the vagina. Yeah, I'm like friction.

Give it on the doggy time Doggy world How do you say it? Doggy area Right now I'm dating Deep throat those tits I'm dating a UCLA law student She's It's a lot She tells her friends

What does he do? He's a comedian I'm not a comedian. I'm fucking doing open mics. You're a guy wearing flip flops. How sweet is her dick, though? It's awesome. This chick.

She's half Chinese, half Persian. So much shaft. Sounds good, honestly. That sounds great. You have this interesting way of holding the microphone where you literally have your pinky tucked underneath. I'm glad I don't mind.

I think it's cool. I do that sometimes. It's like sipping tea in a fag parlor. Don't try and act like you don't like gay people now that we've called you gay. It's okay. I like the gays. Did you say a fag parlor?

You like the gays? Fag parlor? Get this bigot out of here. I appreciate all of the gays. Get this queer bigot out of here. Yeah, I'm a self-hater. I'm a self-hater. Fag parlor?

I'm a self-hater. I hate myself. That's a great gay impression. But what is a fag parlor? What is that? It's basically anywhere you go in London. Anywhere you go in London? Yes.

You mean like a smoking hall? Yeah, basically. Okay. A fag parlor? That's just the first thing I came up with. You were riffing that. That's so cool. You were like doing free jazz or whatever.

Do you want to see my jazz hands? Ooh, just a fag parlor. Have you been to London? Once, when I was 13. It was the same trip I had my bar mitzvah on. Oh, you're Jewish? I think you're a great comedian. Half and half.

Congratulations, man. Why didn't you say that at the beginning? This guy's got potential. I'm half Jewish. I'm half Jewish, half Armenian. Oh, okay. Well, this guy's got potential to grow body hair. Yeah.

Look for him at a comedy kiosk somewhere near you. Buddy, buddy, you like stand-up comedy? I have a joke for you. The least athletic Uber driver. Half price because we are friends. What do you do for work? I'm actually unemployed right friends. What do you do for work? Actually unemployed right now. What?

I just saved up some cash to pay for my rent and shit for a while. I wanted to keep doing this seriously. What did you do to save up cash? Bus boy. Fucking, you know, I worked at Arclight. That sucked dick. Oh, yeah. Then you must have...

Then you must have loved it The horse of truth everybody The horse of truth is out By the way you can't say fucking Without adding child or boy Somewhere around there That's really cool you're dating a girl That's a law student

That's cool I think you stick with that Thank you Well yeah you need someone to support you Throughout your life law student. That's cool. I think you should stick with that. Thank you. Well, yeah, you need someone to support you throughout your life, right? No, I don't. That was the general you. The royal you. The royal you.

You are needing a makeover. Well, I love it, Lou. You know, it was nice seeing you for the first time Congratulations, good luck on everything Thank you, Tony Stay on stage, three months

Three months, it makes me feel a lot better Three months, supposed to be Fuck yeah There goes Lou What's cool is everyone on the panel is going to get a blowjob tonight Tony, you just put that name in your pocket for some reason. Oh, how dare you.

Why would you do that? Lou Varam is on Twitter at Lou Legends, everybody. Lou Legends. Lou Legends. Yes. Isn't Legends a shoe store? Is it? Might be.

Yeah, I think there's a shoe store called Legends. No, I think it's a fag parlor. God damn it. But only with legendary homosexuals like Oscar Wilde. I'm excited to have them over there hating now. I feel like we finally broke you in the right way.

You're in tune, if you know what I'm saying. There it is. Fuck yeah. One more time for Lou Barham three months in oh we know this girl she's been on a few times always funny

put your hands together for Jessica Wellington here we go the great Jessica Wellington one of our favorites here she's fun. Hey, guys. I've struggled for a long time. You know, like, where do I fit in?

Where do I belong? You know, that being said, though, I fucking love Hollywood. You know? Like, the other day, I saw a black guy pull up at a Trans Am Am and his radio transitioned from Spice Girls to Motley Crue and I was like I'm home this is it you know and moving to Los Angeles I've been here nine months and I told myself I wasn't gonna like become vain like a lot of Los Angeles girls are like that's not gonna happen happen to me. I'm not going to do it. The other day I was watching something like that. I was really sad

and I started to tear up. My first thought was, oh my god, where's the mirror? Because I look really pretty when I tear up. So that's happening. We'll leave it there. Ending it a sharp 43 seconds. Jessica Wellington.

You've been on a few times. Yes, sir. Welcome back. Thank you. I love this new oompa loompa thing you're doing with your hair. She had enough time to finish the first guy's joke about his bipolar mom. I would have liked to hear that. You did hear it. It was Rick. She's Rick Ross. Oh, yeah. I don't want to hear that. You did hear it.

She's Rick Ross. Oh, yeah. I don't want to hear it, though. Jessica, how long have you been doing stand-up? Three and a half years. And how long have you been in L.A.? Nine months. How's that going for you?

Really good. I've really been having a great time. I just finished my first movie, which was fun. It was like an independent film, but I got paid what? Wow. Is that a question? You got paid what?

Did you get paid? I got paid like what what? What what did you get paid? Specific dollar amount. How much did you get paid? It was $250. Oh, shit. Boom.

Dude, independent film. And he wrote the part for me, which was awesome. And I've gotten two union vouchers, and I think I'm going to get my third. Oh, shit. You got a union voucher? Yeah. What's a union voucher? You usually got to do extra work to get those and know somebody.

I mean, it's small, but I'm only being a nine month, so I'm super excited. And I think everything is like super exciting in L.A. I love that. So even the little things. You should be excited. Absolutely. You're absolutely right. We just have to make fun of you for it.

It's okay. What, how do you, how do you, what do you do for work? Well, I drive Uber and Lyft now. I remember I was in the military. Did Lyft make you get that haircut? Yeah? I thought you were going to punch me in the face. Oh, no.

You just show the fist and then you use it? It's so scary. You're really tan. It's very orange. Do you take off your shirt? Does it look like Garfield? Brian went for it again, everybody. He went for it on that one.

You canceled out that awesome thing you did earlier. You were like three for three. They're all animals. Puppies, cats. I hate that. He just shot himself, everybody. He's dead now. I get. I get it, guys. He just shot himself, everybody. He's dead now. I get it.

Purple hair, orange Oompa Loompa. Got it. Yeah. Oh, don't. Nuh-uh. Got it. No. I wasn't even about you.

We're making fun of Brian. The Oompa Loompa thing just hit you? What happened? Don't get Lou Varum attitude on us. Lou Varum attitude. I really was just thinking about her tan line because I bet her boobs are bright white because you've been walking in the sun so much. That's a great point, Brian.

I'll bet Jessica's... That should really help her comedy. I'll bet Jessica's the kind of girl that goes to a nude beach or something like that and goes all the way. Jessica, how close am I to the truth? I do have a show idea that I want to host in pasties.

Okay. I'm down. Yeah, because... Brian wants to be the pasties. Because it started in Sacramento where they tried to tell me women aren't funny naked. And they said, especially plus-size women. So I was like, well, fuck you. It's Northern California.

It's some Northern California shit. Especially naked. It fuck you. It's Northern California. It's some Northern California shit. Especially naked. It's dope. It's good. All right, that's cool, then. But what do you mean? Let's go back to the premise of the statement. That's what Jerry Lewis said.

What's that? That's what Jerry Lewis said. He said women aren't funny naked. Naked. Yeah. No, no, no. Pull a tit out and tell us a joke. Let's hear it

Brian do you hear that sound that happened you know what I heard women are funny while I'm slowly jerking off underneath this computer I heard that too hold on who ever said to you women aren't funny naked in Sacramento

who's funny naked men are Sacramento? Who's funny naked? Men are classically funny in the nude. Of course everyone knows that. I don't get it. It was a sketch that we were doing that we were wrapped in saran wrap. And I said, well, I'll do it. And they're like, no, we're going to have

the guy do it. What the hell? I don't understand. It would be just the same. It could be demeaning to do it to a woman but to a guy. Actually, yeah, I get that actually.

I don't support it but I get why that, I understand that. Because they say you're sexualizing the woman but you do it with a guy it's like, looks ridiculous.

Look at this fucking loser. Right. Yeah. Look at this smashed dick and balls. What a fucking douche. And you were offended that you couldn't get, be the one wrapped in the saran wrap? Yeah, so I wrote my own sketch where I ended in saran wrap and I'm fucking killed. And killed.

Yeah, it was really good. And then on my white trash show, I didn't wear pants. We all have one. Yeah, you're from Sacramento. I get the feeling every show's a white trash show. By which I mean my show. Yeah. You had white pants at what?

I just wore like a long shirt with no pants, and I mooned them as I left. And then I did a strip prov, and I wore the tassels, and the girl taught me how to do it. So I did that. I like that. Multi-skills. That's something a lot of the comedians need to learn here. Yeah. Don't just let it stop with comedy. Yeah. That's like the Sacramento trifecta you just named over there. It's something a lot of the comedians need to learn here. Don't just let it stop with comedy.

Yeah, that's like the Sacramento trifecta you just named over there. It's incredible. I always wondered what Angelica from the Rugrats did when she grew up. It turns out, moved to Sacramento, started doing some weird-ass shows. The horse of truth. I don't really get the reference, but I assume it, yeah. She looks like a cartoon character that you know. The hair. How old are you? I don't really get the reference, but I assume it... Yeah. She looks like a cartoon character. The hair.

How old are you? I don't really know the Rugrats. Yeah. How old are you, Pat? 27. Okay. That's a different generation, I think. Right.

You're not Rugrats? No, I was a heterosexual male by the time Rugrats came out. Yeah, I wasn't no gay motherfucker, child-ass, gay-ass child in a bag parlor watching Rugrats and shit. I was a little kid with a UCLA law student, Chinese-Persian girlfriend. Hell yeah, I was busy watching G.I. Joe get my dick wet. All the kids I was fucking was chicks, you know?

My bad I think it's nice that she's taking Abuse for Lou still We're like yeah we kind of like her Let's just make fun of the last guy Why didn't you finish Why didn't you do another joke Why'd you stop

Is it because the second joke didn't do as well as you wanted And you decided to stop What happened I just I don't know I'm sorry guys Do as well as you wanted and you decided to stop? What happened? I just, I don't know. I'm sorry, guys. No, I'm not. I'm really asking.

Because that was the only, I was trying to think. Because you're funny. I've seen you before. You're good. But I was trying to think of some sort of critique. And to not finish a one-minute set, it's kind of like, what happened? What the fuck? Yeah, that's all. I mean, I'm looking.

I think you're great. But I'm looking. I think you're great. I do have more jokes. She's got a great 45 seconds. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do anything in 15 seconds. I don't know if I would have been able to fit anything else in there. You could have pulled out one titty with a tassel on it. It takes no more

than five seconds. That is the shit. They're wrong in Sacramento. You're funny naked I would like to ask you guys I have one opener that I do the first thing that I do and I find whenever

if I don't open with that I don't catch them and I don't want to always find something else that's just as good as that you know what I mean? A hundred percent, I know what you mean. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

No. It's a quandary, especially because you have a look. You have a super extreme look, and so everybody, when you step on stage, they want you to fucking pop that cherry. Yeah, yeah. I start off, yeah, talking about myself, and then, you know, you, yeah. But you'll just, you, I start off, yeah, talking about myself and then, you know, you... Yeah. But you'll just...

You've been, say, three years? Three years seriously? Yeah. I mean, you'll get another opener that will pop that... I used to have an opener that was about my haircut and I fucking realized at a certain point I was going to have to keep the haircut for the whole... To keep the joke. To keep the... And then I was like... So I deliberately

got a new haircut because I was like, I don't want to be 50 with like a fucking hitler youth haircut that was cool in 2000 and still be like george mcfly style yeah and so and i forced myself past that uh on purpose because i just felt like i was you know it was people were starting to call me it was called i would call it the gitler the gay Hitler. That was the gay Hitler cut. It was a whole thing about being Jewish. My opener used to be, fellas, you ever jack off just because you see a napkin laying around? That's a rhetorical question. Now my opener is, when I was a kid, I was diagnosed with AIDS.

Wait, sorry, what's that called where you just blur stuff out randomly? AIDS, that's what it's called. that called where you just blur stuff out randomly? One thing I know a lot of people try is they'll take their closer and put it as their opener for a while. You guys want me to do more jokes? Just to get you out of that. I think I'm getting stuck in a rut.

I have a question. I always do the same opener, which is I start with the same joke. Like we weren't sure what an opener was. No, at first I actually didn't know what you meant. I was like, you have openers? You're bringing people on the road to hold your pasties? I think that maybe it's that you think, maybe it's what I said,

maybe I'm reinforcing that bad habit in you. You think that because you have a wild look, you've got the purple hair and piercings and stuff, that you owe the audience an explanation. But if you're funny enough, then you probably don't. You just get up and tell some jokes. You know what I mean? If you're doing a TV spot or something, maybe, yeah, do the,

here, I've got crazy haircut thing. But maybe you don't. Maybe do that. Do your closer as your opener. See what happens. And just keep writing. The real trick is just trying something else in the opening spot when you're doing real shows. You know what I mean? You just have to let go and move it somewhere else. Do drugs. I do drugs and do weird things

that I never do, like swim with the dolphins and eat mushrooms. Shit like that always has something funny that comes out of it. You have to do things. Hold on. Are you giving her advice on how to come up with new jokes? To do drugs. I've got a problem.

I feel a little overly dependent on my opener. Do you have any suggestions? Yeah, you should do drugs. You should eat mushrooms with dolphins. They do drugs. That's where all the good openers are created. I don't think it'll help with the opener thing, but drugs are really fun. You should just do drugs.

It's a recommendation for everybody, even if you're not doing comedy. Drugs. I mean, if you're stuck with the same jokes and you feel like you're not writing anything new, you have to switch up your life a little. So do shit that you don't normally do. Those two are the newest things I've got since i've been here

and i when they do fine in the middle i just i don't i always do the same shit in the beginning always you're probably just comfortable i mean honestly you just keep doing new jokes or whatever jokes start opening every time with a different joke even if it's that same different joke eventually you'll you know in your mind it'll be like, I don't depend on that opening joke it's just a matter of getting comfortable and you know, your own skin telling jokes Yeah, it's a hard thing that you

it's hard to realize that like most of the shows you do don't really matter like, I would always be like very, I would do the same set that I knew would kill when I was new at comedy like, and then I was watching my buddy Brent Weinbach. This was in San Francisco at the Punchline. And he would be on stage at the Sunday night showcase.

It was like the holy grail of comedy at the Punchline. So everybody would do the same seven minutes for years and years. And then I saw Brent would just go up and start fucking around and doing sketches and just not giving a fuck. And I realized, of course, this doesn't matter. This show is not important. So then I just started going up and fucking around. And that's when I kind of cracked not giving a fuck. And I realized, like, of course, this doesn't matter. This show's not important. So then I just started going up and fucking around, and that's when I kind of cracked open as a comedian, when I stopped trying to worry about killing

rather than worrying about, like, having a good time kind of a thing. Yeah. That makes sense to me. I mean, it's a very comedy story attitude, too. It's like, get up there and fucking let yourself blossom. No one of importance is here. I mean, He's right. That's 99% of the shows

you'll do your entire life. If these 20 people don't like you, you still have the same exact chance of being famous and successful. Nothing against you guys, but fuck you. You know what I mean? And even if they are important,

even if the head of Comedy Central is here, I mean, well, that's a bad example. You know what I mean? You're never going to ruin your career over one set unless you drop a hard n-bomb. As a comic, I want people to like me. I don't want

you guys to hate me. You've got to stop caring about that. The less you care, the more they'll like you. Everybody here agrees you are the funniest softball player that we have on the show. We love you for it. There she goes, Jessica Wellington, everybody. She's on Twitter at

theduchess underscore 101. The Duchess underscore 101. Thank God you tuned that thing. Totally worth it. So much better. Pat, how you doing over there? Doing good, doing good.

That's it. Let's keep it moving along, everybody. Oh, wow, we know this lady, too. Put your hands together for Robin Ryan, everyone. Robin Ryan. Robin Ryan. I thought I had a pretty normal childhood until I saw the movie Ray. And there's a scene in there

where he detoxes from heroin. And I left the movie with my friends and they were so upset by it. And I was like, you guys, that's just like Tuesday. Because my mom was an alcohol and drug counselor. And I would just go to her office. And there would be just somebody detoxing from heroin pretty much every day of the week. I went to an AA meeting every day of kindergarten. Because my mom was an alcoholic. And my friends would bring books to school like Hop on Pop or One Fish, Two two fish and I would bring the a a

big book and so they would read stories like one fish two fish red fish blue fish and mine would be like step one I admit I'm powerless over my disease yeah anyway thanks that's my time yeah 47 seconds she beat it out You look very tan like if you were to take off Oh my god, it's not the same person, Brian It's not the same person I have quite a tan on this arm You followed Jessica last time

I have followed Jessica, yeah And we're neighbors and we came from Sacramento together That's fucked up I don't even see what the connection is I don't know what we're neighbors and we came from Sacramento together. That's fucked up. It's so random. I don't even see what the connection is. I don't know what we're doing right now, but it's making me very uncomfortable. What do you mean?

Everybody's like, hey, you followed her last time. This is a real thing with the tits. That's great. Yeah, it is sort of crazy. She always brings her as her opener. That's right. I'm having a hard time with my opener. She always has the same opener. That's right. She's my opener. I'm having a hard time with my opener. She always has the same opener.

Yeah. Any advice for her on that? This thing just folds into itself and it's an inception. Fuck yeah. Also,

you didn't finish your set. Yeah, I have a couple seconds left. Yeah, you and Jessica do everything the same. I know. It's incredible.

Not a lot. Not everything. Not everything. What buffet did you guys meet at? That's fucked up. Fuck you guys. You fucking pussies. Tony, last time you said... You pieces of shit.

Caratops 10 minutes down the street. Take the fucking drive. Caratops is 10 minutes down the street? No, he's not. Bring the bit of a bitch. It's funny every time. Last time you said, what KFC did you guys meet at? Oh!

Oh! Which just proves one thing. If I made the switch from KFC to Buffet, that means you guys got bigger. You know how we did last time you were on. The Buffet is an unlimited amount got bigger. You know how we did last time you were on. Get a new opener, Tony. Buffet is an unlimited amount of trips.

You want to do it every time. Spin it right back at you. You know how Tony was able to switch it from KFC to buffet? He did drugs in the interim. Right, right. What other sort of places do people eat? Buffet, indeed.

That's more food. That's more food actually. There's more food there. Oh, they got them on this DMV. It's bigger. Wow. Robin, I like your style. You work with special... What is it again?

I taught a special day class last year. How special? Were there fucking kids there? Oh my god. I don't want to be the bad guy here, but are we saying she works with retarded people? No, I think we're saying she fucks retarded children.

Definitely not. No, that's Lou Varennes. Oh, okay. Everybody forgot that. No, they were pretty violent. Oh, really? They were violent? Yeah, just towards me. Oh, wow. How come? Because

they could get away with it. Not all of them were. Look how well behaved Pat Reagan's being right now. Wait a minute. I'll do the Pat Reagan jokes. So you got beat up by retarded kids? Yeah, they were pretty violent. A great example is a kid came up to me

six weeks before school ended and he said, you're so lucky i'm in your class and i was like why dude and he was like i don't scream at you i don't hit you and i don't throw desks at you i was like oh that is a good student right and a very articulate retarded person yeah yeah it's like he was 170 and he just likes the easy way. He's lazy. A lazy genius. Interesting. And when these kids would attack you, did you notice that they were stronger than a normal kid if a normal kid

attacked you? Some of them because they were so big. I mean, like a third grader like this tall and pretty good-sized girl. Good-sized girl? Good-sized girl, yeah. Oh, Lou's out.

I think that was just Lou laughing in the back. Yeah, Lou remembers that he's gay. Oh, there he is up there. Just so we know for future poking. And what do you do now? It's summer, so nothing. Wait, they just let the retards roam free during the summer? That sounds dangerous to me.

Someone's got to look out for these little monsters. Exactly. Especially with SJ's dog on the loose. Yeah. This is callback city tonight, guys. I actually quit, so I don't have a job. You quit? Oh, you quit?

How come? Because I was asked to. Oh, you got fired. That's cool. What a nice positive spin, though. That's awesome. I know, I know. I quit.

My boss told me I didn't work there anymore. Yeah, Robin, we've just been getting too many complaints from the kids, mostly. They're complaining that you don't let them eat a never-ending amount of Twinkies. These kids are bastards. Actually, the reason written down was that my bulletin boards weren't pretty enough. Oh, shit. To be fair, your bulletin boards are

dog shit. They were pretty bad. You were thinking, these fucking retards aren't going to notice. They can't read it anyways. And then you get that one uppity fucking tardo who's like, this doesn't look good. He's like, excuse me, excuse me, madam. I don't throw my desk at you.

I do not yell at you. But I would like to lodge a complaint about the state of your bulletin boards. This color combination does not do it for me. If you need me, I will be in the fag parlor having tea. Eating peanut butter by the pound. Fuck yeah. So Robin, what do you think you're going to do now? What do you want to do?

I applied for another district just because I need to have a job. Okay, I got some advice. Okay. Don't come on podcasts and talk about your job fucking with retarded kids because someone will hear it and you'll straight up get fired. I don't use my real name. Oh.

You don't think they'll be able to piece it together? Do you not talk to your co-workers? No. Do you forget that there's three different cameras in here recording you in HD and 4K? Oh, I don't use my real face either. They won't recognize her. I have yet to meet another teacher

that knows what a podcast is. And that's what's wrong with education today. Real shit. I love podcasts. But our students do. I love WTF. We got Obama. What a get. What a get. It's crazy. It's really become its own art form.

Very funny misanthrope. I like his pathos. I like his process. And I like his kittens. I also have a lot of kittens. Robin, you said you applied for a new district. Is there like a hot, retarded district that is better than the other districts? Like, is there some? Yeah, that's a good question.

I think we're all pretty aware that you move a little north of here. Right. The Bakersfield area has top-of-the-line retards. Absolutely. It's 70% of the population. Do you guys know, this is actually real shit Top of the line retards. Absolutely. It's 70% of the population. Do you guys know,

this is actually real shit, that I used to be in a class like what you teach. Oh yeah, yeah. I used to straight up be in class where everybody else was retarded except for me. Because of behavior, right? Yeah, because of behavior. And I sort of got lost in the special ed system. And then at a certain point you look around

and you go like, oh shit, maybe I am retarded. Maybe this is all a weird elaborate illusion that I think I'm intelligent. It can happen. I learned recently that you can wake up and somebody is just bipolar all of a sudden. One day, right? It just strikes you in the night right when you least expect it. I had that same I'm surrounded by retards realization

the first time I came to the world famous comedy store. It's very similar to being in... Very confusing. I love it. Well, yeah, God bless you for working with kids. I mean, that's good. Thank you. Any crazy success stories?

Anybody ever do anything special? Is Moshe the only one that beat it? I'm the only one that got out. I'm the only one that ever dropped that extra chromosome and took it to the next level. I'm done. No, I mean, just sometimes kids are placed in the wrong placement.

So I had a girl, her IQ was like 145, and she was in my class because she was just a big behavior problem. Did the bug just fly out of you? That's pretty fucking scary. You want a pat. Pat and his guitar. Jesus. Even she's insulting Pat.

Give her bonus points. Fuck yeah. Points, points, points. If I'm giving you a critique on the set, I would say if you're going to go into the big book thing, you should say something funny about that. That sounded really asshole, giving you a critique on the set i would say if you're gonna go into the big book thing uh you should say something funny about that well i'm not that sounded really asshole but i didn't mean it like that i mean like you did the setup and that was funny you know every day one fish two fish

and then i would bring the fucking aa big book ha ha ha they would say you know hop on pop and then i would read there should be a punch line there it shouldn't just be like i'm powerless over drugs it's like that's not a punchline. That's just stuff that's in that book. So something, right? Some fun... A rhyme that has to do with addiction or something. Or, you know, I'm powerless over alcohol,

asterisk in pen mark, you know, this is, you know, Helix's last day on Earth. You know, some little note that some junkie wrote to himself before he killed himself. It's something, you know what I mean? Take it to that sort of... Yeah. I love a good junkie's about to kill himself joke.

Who doesn't? Aw, my childhood. Fuck yeah. Well, Robin... Aw, it got sad there at the end, everybody. Not Robin Ryan, by the way. If anyone can tell us her real name, please send us the information.

We need to contact the school district. I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, I love the idea of all the teachers at her school looking at the video feed of this, going, it looks exactly like her. She's talking about the bulletin board. Her name's Robin.

Her name's Robin. What can we do? It's not her. It's not her. It's not her. No, maybe that's what happened. Maybe they saw the fucking video feed of you doing this podcast, and they were like, we need a reason to fire her. I don't know. How about the fucking bulletin board excuse?

And that's how you got canned. That bulletin board sounds like a great reason. Put borders on your pictures. This is the retarded person that is a member of the board of directors of the school district to have equal representation. It's a pecking order.

You've got to earn your way to the top. I'm the principal here. Robin Ryan. There she goes. Good job, Robin. Robin Ryan is Robin Ryan 200. From KFC all the way to the buffet. That's right.

Unbelievably inappropriate. Yep. I'm not nice sometimes. Fuck yeah, live audience. How are you guys doing? Yeah. Squeeze one more up here real quick. Cargo shorts in the front row. I like it. This looks like a new name.

Elise Lynn. Yeah. Oh, shit. Hey, my name is Alice. Like the island. This is my first time here performing at a comedy store. Don't worry. I didn't have to quit my day job to be here. It's kind of hard to quit when I already got fired the day before April

Fool's Day. So my boss told me that today's your last day. I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. Aside from being fired recently, another fun fact about me is that I completed eight years in the Navy, which I know is really hard to believe, because a lot of people are like, but you're Asian, you can't be a sailor. Shouldn't you be a ninja? Yeah, I should be a ninja.

I'm taking the unconventional route. The Navy took me to this place called Kyrgyzstan. Has anyone heard of it? If you haven't, Kyrgyzstan is an ex-soviet country also known as the Compton of Central Asia. It's actually a beautiful country. You should all go check it out. The worst part of it is having to share a closet-sized room with a roommate and a shopaholic roommate. She kept buying stuff. One day she dragged in a 50-inch screen TV,

and I'm like, what are you doing? And she says, don't worry about it. It's not going to be your way. I'm going to mount it over my bed. So I'm like, all right. And then, well, she got sent home for a TBI, traumatic brain damage. Oh, my God.

A special one. Wait a minute. That wasn't a bear. That didn't sound like a bear. What was the bear doing with a gong? Wow. That sound effect was so special, Robin Ryan wants to teach it right now.

I just love the idea that as soon as you got on stage, Red Band was like, gong sound effect, gong sound effect. Please go over your time. She's Asian, can't talk about her white titties. Better get a gong sound effect. Fuck yeah. Wow. Eight years in the Navy, huh?

Brutal. That's crazy. Did you ever have children with a Persian man by chance? No. I can't say I have. So you say this is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy? Just here. Oh, I see. You've been doing open mics and stuff? A couple, yes.

Okay, okay. I thought Ellis Island, right, some sort of immigrant joke I really wanted there, you know I mean I know that's racist just because you're obviously not an immigrant but I just to figure like you know I didn't you want that Ellis Island there needed to be and or you know boat so fresh off the boat Navy situation something like that. Do you always say the pronunciation of your name, or you just said it because he said it wrong? Yeah, I'll say Ellis, like Ellis Island, people pronounce it wrong. Oh, I see. So you don't usually say that during your stand-up comedy performances?

No, because it helps people remember. Right, right, right. Thank God, I'll never forget. That's great. Yeah, that was interesting. Interesting for sure. Where are you from? I live in Costa Mesa right now, but I grew up in Arcadia.

Yikes. The deep valley. Rough. Somebody just say, love Asians from the audience. Did that happen? Whoa. Was there a goat? That guy was trying to not out himself. Asians from the audience? Did that happen? Yeah. Whoa. That's a... Was there a goat?

Were you trying... That guy was trying to not out himself. He's like... Love Asians! Sounded like there was a goat who's into Asians, which is cool. Not going to judge him for that. I mean, I want to know more about the Navy obviously i think that's obvious like i don't you know i mean i thought you would go into like lesbian jokes or the other things we actually

assume about people in the navy yeah yeah it felt i wanted you to get in there you know i mean getting those gears of that boat you know i felt like you were up on the poop deck and i wanted you in the fucking the pump chamber. Tell us about being a potato peeler or whatever it was that led you there. What did you do in the Navy? I was a personnel specialist, a peeper pusher. Okay, maybe stay on the surface, actually.

Maybe don't. There's got to be something funny about that, too. Getting in there. How long have you been doing comedy? Like three months. No, but there's got to be something funny about that, too, like getting in there. I felt like – how long are you even doing comedy? Like three months. Oh, okay. Yeah, all right. Again, it's all – the advice is hard to give here.

Three months. Yeah. The advice is just always go up as much as you can and keep working it out, and you'll learn, you know, obviously more about your cadence and beats and things that you have to do. You've got to work on your bass. Well, he's right about that, though. The one thing I would say is it felt a little bit like you were reciting your jokes

and not having fun. You were just saying them instead of having fun and doing your thing. But then you're three months. I used to write bits and I would literally include every single word that I might say in the bit, as opposed to letting it kind of naturally come out.

But it's something that you'll learn in time. In three months, if you were doing good, we would murder you. How long have you been out of the Navy? Well, I'm a reservist. Okay, well, but answer the question anyway. Don't hold back. I am still currently in the navy wow so what any why did you join the navy i was curious i just wanted you know to have what i

about women what do you mean so was louis varennes yeah curiosity killed the woman that eats cats that's crazy that You were curious? I just thought they make it sound so exciting. Yeah, they do. And then they just handed you a fucking stack of files. We got an Asian lady coming. Here you go. Paperwork.

You got good handwriting? Here you are. We're going to Kyrgyzstan. Enjoy paperwork while you're there. So literally you got swept up in the promotional videos. Like, you come to the Navy. See the world. See the world. See the world.

Have adventure. And then you got there and they just pushed a filing cabinet at you? Yeah, it was a little bit disappointing. Fuck yeah. Wow. Yeah. I'd want to shoot torpedoes out of a submarine if I joined the Navy. Did you still have to do the push-ups and shit?

Yes, we do. Actually, I got sent to combat training school. The whole thing. I had to shoot an M16, combat training school. Like, the whole thing. I had to shoot, like, an M16 and all of that. Wow. That's right. You get down there and get that post-it note and put it on the refrigerator right now. Interesting.

I mean, if they're going to make you a paper pusher, is the goal of teaching you how to shoot a machine gun just to continue the American tradition of mass shootings in public places? Or did you flunk out of the combat part? They were just like, eh, we think maybe you might be better suited just sitting at this desk for a while. We got your results from the driving portion of the Oh, come on!

I mean, I can just tell. But seriously, all racial stereotypes aside, I guarantee you're a bad driver. Am I right? Like, I mean, how many accidents have you been in this week? Zero. Actually, someone rear-ended me last week. Of course.

Well, the weird part was they rear-ended me from the front, though. That was weird. Wouldn't be the first person in the Navy to get rear-ended, if you know what I'm saying. Somebody just perked up. What's his name? Purple shirt. Oh, I got something. The thing where you go, have you ever heard of Kyrgyzstan?

I hate that. Like, why? Who cares? You know what I mean? They know it's a country. Just fucking tell us the interesting-ass information. What are you going to get if somebody's like, yes, I have heard of Kyrgyzstan? And you're like, oh, good.

Well, in that case case everyone else be quiet. This joke is for you sir. I just think it's a bad habit that you could break now. Like that whole rhetorical question thing. Unless there's some purpose to it. That's a pet peeve that I have. I'm sure I've done it and Steven still probably do it. It's something that I think a lot of beginning comics do.

It tries to make it seem like it's conversational. But you will get used to doing that then. And then every joke starts with like has anyone else ever worked in a restaurant? make it seem like it's conversational, but you will get used to doing that then. Then every joke starts with, has anyone else ever worked in a restaurant? It's like, who cares? Again, fuck that audience. I've seen comedians who wait for the answer.

Have you worked in a restaurant? No one answers because the audience isn't lively. They're like, no, have you worked in a restaurant? Finally, yes. Okay, well, I used to work in a restaurant. What I noticed is like no there's nothing that happened the person that rear-ended you did they look exactly like you when they got out of the car were you just like sister is that american hero yeah she did fucking paperwork for

some of the people that sacrifice themselves for this country i love it i love it file away wouldn't it be cool if you opened up your bag and that dog came out and the guy lost it earlier? With two big black parts. Yeah, you know what I think would be cool is if she opened up her bag and an American flag came out. Thank you for your service. Yeah, thank you so much.

Alice Lin, everybody. Three months into the game. I'm kind of concerned that our military is still using papers. Shouldn't it be on computers at this point? Hey, I will say, for three months, she was funny. Absolutely. One more time for Elise Lynn, everybody. Please give it up for her

so that she doesn't come back next week with a machine gun. She is trained. Guys, this is the part of the show where our two regulars go up every single week. They do a brand new 60 Seconds. They write it, they perform it. We do it every week. Put your hands together for your first regular.

She dropped out of the University of Florida after doing Kill Tony for the first time. She's been writing and performing a new minute of comedy for two years now. Every single fucking week. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Put your hands together for her. Every single fucking week. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Put your hands together for her.

Yeah, there's been a lot of talk still about this Confederate flag, whether it should go up or stay down. And my whole thing on it is, like, who gives a fuck, you know? I feel like we have way bigger fish to fry. There are things we need to worry about more like uh there are so many homeless children in america corporate welfare the fact that married couples have joint facebook accounts what the fuck is that i feel like every time i see a couple with a joint facebook account it just poses one question uh Which one of you cheated?

And like, what's going to happen when you do get that divorce that you need? Like, is someone going to get the Facebook on nights and weekends? Are you guys going to start splitting your likes? That's all I have. Fuck yeah. The new Facebook joint chunk. Yeah.

First of all, shout out to the guy who wooed for the Confederate flag. Or against the Confederate flag? We're not even sure which one it was. I couldn't tell if it was a yay they're fighting against it. It was like a Dukes of Hazzard woo though. It was a country woo. Yeah, it was like Ric Flair. Woo! We got this.

Woo! You could just tell they didn't like the first two comics is what I'm saying. I didn't know there was such thing as a joint Facebook account. Oh, it's the worst. It'll be like Brian and Cindy Smith.

And then they'll comment on their friends. One of them will comment and say like, oh, this is a beautiful picture, Carly. And then they'll have to put like from Sandy because you don't know which one's writing. Oh my God. I've seen it too where they go, oh, and Brian says,

and then you're like, let Brian speak for himself. My parents not only have a joint Facebook, but they also have joint email. So it's like Gary and Mary at Gmail. Is that really their names? Gary and Mary? For real?

They both check it? Gary Redband. Nice to meet you. My kid fucks dolphins. He does drugs. It's real mind expansion stuff. His mama's got the whitest titties you've ever seen. Yeah, I did drugs.

I thought about setting up my own email account, but I can't be that wild. You know what I mean? I'm an old dog. I asked them, and they were like, we hate Facebook, but we wanted to see my nephew's photos, so they just made one together

just so they can access it. But you're probably talking about people our age. Yeah, there's people, a lot of people my age that just have one, and the middle name's N. So do you keep your account if you get a joint one, or does it, like... Oh, no.

No one's allowed to have their own account when you have a joint one. Wow. So here's what I'll say about your, the line, the best line by far was, it begs the question, who cheated? I really feel like I've heard that before, and I think you should, before you say it on stage, like, try to find if I'm wrong. I might be wrong. I might just be thinking that, because it was so, sometimes it's something on stage, try to find if I'm wrong. I might be wrong. I might just be thinking that.

Sometimes it's something so clever you think that must be. Maybe you follow me on Twitter. That could be. Maybe it got retweeted. I definitely don't follow you, but maybe it got retweeted. That could be because I feel, yeah, because that's a genius line and I hope that I'm wrong because that's a genius line.

I did have the same moment, but it was because I liked your post on Facebook earlier today about that because I as well have a couple friends where they're in a couple page, and I always just hide that friend. It's so sad. It's like you share everything in your life already. Just have your own social media. Yeah.

That's the most millennial thing that's ever been said. If you don't have one Just have some dignity Have your own social media Have that presence Have your own Insta Have your own Snapchat Be a human being

And there she goes everybody With a new 55 seconds of material Kimberly Cong There she is Joint Facebook account Your final, your last regular doing a new minute. She is

on the show every single week for two years. So fun. So goofy. The stylings of Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. If you're a guy with gauged ears, I don't want to engage with you. Guys with gauged ears never can gauge my lack of interest.

Talking to them is always a stretch, which is probably why they should spend less time enlarging their ear lobes and more time enlarging their frontal lobes. I don't recommend sizing them up because guys with gauges are constantly ready for the next size up. If I don't want to talk to them, I know what to do and that's pull the plug. 50 seconds of ear gauges. I imagine at the two year mark you have to start playing with the space

a bit. Maybe I'll just do a whole minute on ear gauges. I knew an open micer here, a guy named Bill Prather, who used to just go and bomb at the open mic for a couple years. And then one day he decided he was going to tell exclusively leopard jokes. Get the fuck out of here. And that was then all he would do for a couple weeks was just like,

oh, man, gas prices are terrible. I had to give him an arm and a leg. Literally! And he'd be like, oh, my God. I just think doing that, leg literally and you'd be like oh my god i just think doing that uh people are gonna think it's amusing for a little bit maybe and then eventually they're just gonna be like what kind of fucking gauge joke is she gonna fucking say now yeah so you got to be careful with that but you run the risk of the audience disengaging all right and it's what happened there is you know it's like

it's like what do they call it putting Putting a hat on a hat, right? Where, like, you... It was deliberate, though, wasn't it? Right. But I think there's a thing to where if, you know, you went engage and then you talked about the gauge. Wait. Engage, engage, gauge. It was just, like, so much so fast that it's like, whoa, is this, like, poetry? Yeah.

Is it, too? I can see how... Alternative comedy, too, where it's like it might be more clever than running yeah which is okay but yeah no it's not okay but that's not what alternative comedy is just alternative comedy speaking up right now it's clever and not funny. You know, the classic description. I didn't know you were alternative. I'm not. I love all comedy.

And I think there's garbage club comedy and there's garbage alt comedy. Sure. And I don't even think alternative comedy exists. Although that jacket is an alternative to the jacket. It's crazy. I've never seen. I don't even know what's going on. It's like curtains in the front. It's amazing kind of.

Yeah, yeah. Goth curtains. Oh, yeah. You've don't even know what's going on. It's like curtains on the front. It's amazing, kind of. Yeah, yeah. Goth curtains. Oh, yeah, you've got a health goth vibe going on. You know about that health goth? What's health goth? It's like gothic kids that dress in all sportswear and smoke cigarettes. And listen to the band Health. Is there somebody with a gauge

earring thing going on that did something to you this past week? No, I just was like, fuck, I can't think of a minute. I'm just going to go for those gauge earring people. Sarah, why do you have so much rage at the gauge? There you go. Gauge hat Reagan's writing. Classic comedy.

There's classic slogans. Sock up, put on a shoe, and do comedy or whatever you said. And fucking don't have rage at the Gage, dude. Do drugs. Real shit. Do drugs. Real shit. And real shit.

And stay in the closet as long as you can and wear flip flops. Fuck yeah. There you go. Sarah Weinshank. Gage. Yeah. Weinshank. Weinshank.

She has an interesting style. It's tough. Fucking new minute every week. Can you imagine? Very tough. I wonder when one of them is going to quit. It can't go forever, can it? I don't know.

We'll see. Like the whole life of the podcast, like 10 years later, they're successful comedians touring, doing theaters, and then they come here and they do their new minute. That'd be kind of cool, actually. I can't wait until Sarah does her hour special on Gage jokes. Sarah Weinshank, disengaged. No holes barred. No.

No, Pat Reagan. Unbelievable. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan. Thank you. Anything else going on? Nah, man. I love it. Motion positive.

Rick Ingram. Oh, stuff going on? Yeah, not really. I just got back to the country, but I'll be at Just for Laughs doing a week of shows next week. I love it. The 19th through the 27th, so you can come see me there. Check out my podcast, The Champs, and Hound Tall Discussion Series. I love it.

Thank you, Bush. I was not chosen to go to Montreal, so I'll be in the United States. Rick, I'm actually going to be in Montreal. Dude, I believe it. They have a shit show, and I think you're headlining. Comedy Store Podcast. I host the Comedy Store Podcast. I've been hearing great, great things about it.

So check that one out. It's interesting. The Comedy Store Podcast hosted by Rick Ingram. Guys, that's us. Ryan J. Ebel, the artist, drew that. That's nice. He did it again. Ryan J. E. Belt's on Twitter, on Instagram.

Follow Ryan J. E. Belt. Check out the amazing art that he makes every single week. Live audience, we did it again. Thank you so much. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you, Tony. Thanks for having me.

I'm in Montreal, Toronto. All that's coming up up And San Francisco this weekend At Rooster Teat Feathers And Just for Laughs in Montreal And Just for Laughs in Toronto I'm doing both I'll see you guys there I'll be in Toronto this weekend

And San Francisco in two weeks Wow Bye guys Let's go. Striking the curves, flattening the hills. Someday the mountain's right here, but the law won't allow it. Yeah, we did it again. Making their way, the only way they know how. Woo! Well, that's just a little bit more than the long road I've been on you