KILL TONY - KILL TONY #114

Episode Date: September 3, 2015

Tiffany Haddish, Steve Simeone, Steve Trevino, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 08/03/2015   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Check out our website, click on Tour Dates, you'll see that we have Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. It's a free show. It starts at 8 o'clock. Tuesday, we have Verbal Violence, the Roast Battle every night, a Tuesday, every Tuesday night. battle every night, a Tuesday, every Tuesday night, and then every Friday we have the Ice House in Pasadena for the Ice House Chronicles, and the Death Squad Secret Show is coming back to

the Comedy Store main room, and that is September 9th in the main room, a bunch of big surprises, in the past we've had Louis C.K., Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope, a bunch of people. So you never know who's going to be at this show. It's called the Death Squad Secret Show. And that's September 9th in the main room at the world famous Comedy Store. Also, me and Tony are going back to Phoenix, Arizona, September 17th, Stand Up Live. It's going to be a lot of fun. Every time we go there, you guys always come out.

So please find us at Stand Up Live, September 17th in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all his other tour dates. Also, go to ShopSquad.tv. There you have all the info for all the merchandise we do for Death Squad. We have a brand new t-shirt, about four different new hats, a bunch of stuff. So go to ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the world famous comedy server. Brand new episode of Kill Tony, volume two. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, everybody. Happy Monday., yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, everybody. Happy Monday.

How you guys doing, live audience? Come on. It's a Monday night, and you're coming from a comatose state. Make more noise than that Monday. Whoa. Fuck yeah. Sometimes you just got to wake them the fuck up. You know what I mean, Brian?

Hi, everybody. I'm so excited. Another great episode of Kill Tony. Brian Redband, everybody. I'm so excited. Another great episode of Kill Tony. Brian Redband, everybody. The man. Hi. When you hear any noise or any music, just know that it's coming from the guru himself,

the one, the only Brian Redband. And keep it going for Pat Reagan, everybody. Fresh back. Back from the Montreal Comedy Fest. One of the most talked about new comedians there, Pat Reagan, playing music for you guys. Pat, did you have fun in Montreal? Yeah, I had fun, man.

I met a French girl. Two nights before I left, Lysanne Perrault. Lysanne Perrault was her name. She's a beautiful girl. Took me around Montreal and had a great time at the festival, Tony. You fell in love, didn't you? I kind of fell in love a little bit. I think I still see one of her armpit hairs in your teeth right now.

Oh, jeez. The French girl, these girls are crazy. Did you hook up with her? What was that? A lot of bush, right? Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, she had just a regular amount of hair.

It was trimmed, kept nice. Was it a weird brawl that she had? Because I've been with one French girl, and they had a weird-ass brawl. It was trimmed, kept nice. Was it a weird bra that she had? I've been with one French girl and they had a weird ass bra. It looked like Sears bra. She had a broken bra. Trimmed bush though for a French girl. She had a trimmed bush, yes. How was Montreal for you?

Montreal was amazing. Had so much fun. Roasted a bunch of people. Roasted Gilbert Godfrey. That was a lot of fun. The great Gilbert Godfrey. I said, if you think his eyes are always closed, you should see his wife's when she's fucking you. That's great. Yeah.

And you know, if you look up Gilbert's IMDB page, he's accepted every shitty role that's ever been offered to him. I said that Lil Jon wrote the song, Turn Down for What while listening to Gilbert talk to his agent. I saw Gilbert do a show. Do you have more Gilbert jokes? No, I have nothing else.

I saw Gilbert on the Dr. Katz panel. Him and Jonathan Katz just traded old street jokes. And one of them was so funny. Gilbert was like, Gilbert was like, Stevie Wonder goes to a Passover Seder. Good start.

And then he's like, somebody hands him matzo ball. He takes it, feels it, goes, who wrote this shit? It's so funny hearing Gilbert

tell these jokes. When Gilbert does these jokes. When Gilbert does these things with his comedic timing, it's really amazing. Pat Reagan doing that is proof, for all you haters of Gilbert, proof, proof that Gilbert's voice is not what makes him funny. It's clearly his whippersnapper timing and not the timing of Pat Reagan. Yeah.

I have a different timing. My timing's a little like, takes you a little longer to get to, takes me longer to get to, takes everyone a longer time. You know, my timing is always dead on. And what's funny is that you actually stopped me while I was doing killer jokes just right

down the barrel. So that you could do a Gilbert Gottfried joke that Gilbert Gottfried said and you made it, you disrespected Gilbert by bombing the joke. Like, even though

I'm telling jokes about insulting Gilbert, you truly insulted him the most. Somehow. Sorry'm telling jokes about insulting Gilbert, you truly insulted him the most somehow. Sorry, Gilbert. One more for you guys. The last one was I said that it's a triple banger. Try to stick with me here.

Gilbert's... Forget it. Anyway. No, I'm going to do it. Gilbert's so short, Forget it. Anyway. No. No, I'm going to do it. Okay. Gilbert's so short, old, and Jewish that he had to use a footstool to drive a nail through Jesus' hand. Think about that. That's three on one.

Guys, I heard the Death Squad, our family, our favorite podcast network in the world, where you can find Kill Tony, had a show this Wednesday. Yeah, we had the Monday off because you were out of town, so we put together a great show. Tom Green finished it off. Oh, you did that here? Yeah, we did it right here in this room. It was almost sold out. It was great because we announced the lineup at like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. So it was a fun time.

So thank God we kept this room going, though, while you were gone. That's the kind of magic that can happen if we ever cancel this show. Yeah, we just have sold-out comedy shows instead. I love it. I'm so excited to be back. This is our first show in two weeks. We never take a week off, but I was in Montreal. Guys, are you ready for Kill Tony?

Oh, yeah. Always so much fun. This is the show where we talk to comedians after they do comedy for 60 seconds. They always talk to me, Brian, Pat, and two amazing, amazing guests that I always

have on. Two different guests each week. This week is no different. Put your hands together for, it's just Trevino, right Josh? Oh yeah. Okay, for right now, just Steve Trevino everybody! Joining us momentarily

also, Steve Simone. Thanks buddy, it's just Trevino. No, that's not. It's nobody special, it's's just Trevino. No, that's not. It's nobody special. It's just fucking Trevino. No, that's not what I meant. No, normally there's two guests. No, I wouldn't say just Trevino.

It hurt my feelings a little bit, though. Yeah, right. Like I could hurt those. Look at this. He's an actual man. Look at this guy. Just a real beard. This isn't one of your little emo fucking fancy.

Heck yeah. What do they call the hipsters? They look like men, kind of. Then you see their jeans and you're like, oh, that's a bitch. One of your little emo fucking fancy, what do they call the hipsters? They look like men, kind of. Then you see their jeans and you're like, oh, that's a bitch. That's not a man. That's a pussy. Now, while you still have a man's beard, I must say it is fairly trimmed.

Pat, did this at all look like the French girl's vagina? A little bit of that? A little bit. You hooked up with a French girl? Very good. Very good. Very good. You approve? Fucking guy.

Do I approve? I mean, you're wearing skinny jeans. Whatever you can get, right? Fuck it. With your bangs and your curly Q you got hanging out of your fucking head. Pat Reagan, the band leader of this show, takes a lot of heat from the guests every week. The band leader. I love it. Yeah, yeah.

He's the one man band. If there was room for a band, we would have a band. A whole fucking thing, right? For a drum set, we could get a drum, but there's no way to put a drum set. There we go. There's a lot of drums happening. Fuck yeah. TV show, we'll get a band. It's a whole thing now, Tony.

I haven't been here in a while. You got this guy over here. Also, the only guy that I constantly forget, even though I want to always mention him, Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody, the house artist. Throughout this episode, he is going to be, as he's been doing for the last couple months, he draws the entire episode as it happens. So by the end of the episode, he's going to have a drawing that we're going to show you at the very end of the episode that's going to be of this episode.

It's unbelievable. He does it. That right now is blank, and he's starting right now. I'm Mexican. It's like a criminal sketch. Like, it's court. Yeah, it's court drawing. It's fucking court drawing.

Yeah. Guys. There's a whole thing going on here. This is exciting. Yeah, welcome back, Steve. Now, last time you were here, was Pat here or was it the robot? It was the robot, and then I think it was me and Don Marrera. Right.

Who was here. Oh, that's so fun. It was a good show, man. I love it. It was a robot, and then I think it was me and Don Marrera. Right. Who was here. Oh, that's so fun. It was a good show, man. I love it. It was a good show. Steve was one of the first people to ever take me on the road. And I'll be opening for you soon now. One laugh.

Thank you. It was me, actually. Don't thank him. This guy's perm is fucking fabulous right here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Caveman. He's spending the Geico Caveman retirement money fabulous. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Caveman. He's spending the Geico caveman retirement money perfectly.

Way to get that thing. Way to kick it up a notch. That's Brad. We go rock climbers get our shout out to the stronghold climbing gym downtown L.A. Wow. Look at that. A little promo out there. A little shout out to a climbing gym.

Very good. Pat Reagan. Can you do it in Gilbert's voice? Shout out to Struggle Jim. No, no, no. It's okay. Don't ever do that again. Guys, my point is that, Steve, you gave me so many great notes when I started out.

You're a lover of comedy. Oh, I love stand-up. You've done so much fun stuff. You can find his special right now on Netflix. What's that called again? It's called Relatable. Steve Trevino Relatable. It's on Netflix. Thank you. Yeah. Rel It's called Relatable. Steve Trevino Relatable. It's on Netflix.

Thank you. Relatable. Don't clap. Don't clap too hard. I'm Mexican. We're not allowed in this business. Unless you're George Lopez and he's the only one that's allowed.

I love that. Da loco, George Lopez. I shit on my people and the industry loves it. Hey, it's me. Oh, no. That's the same impression. Fuck, yeah.

Oh, there it is again. Heavy drums tonight. Red Band obviously debuting a new drum set he's gotten in the past two weeks. I was bored last week. Really excited. Pat, did you have a question for Steve? Yeah, sure. Hey, Steve. Okay. Say you got a question for Steve? Yeah. Sure. Hey, Steve.

Okay, say you got, what would be your survival tactic in prison? Well, I've actually been to jail, so I would just fucking kick some ass. You know what I mean? Fuck yeah. That work for you? An honest answer. An honest answer. I'm a grown fucking man.

You know what I mean? I do what I want. All right. As a matter of fact, come here. Sit right here. I'm going to make you. You know what I mean? I do what I want. All right. As a matter of fact, come here. Sit right here. I'll make you my bitch. Come here. Sit down right here.

Your little baby jeans. I love that. Trevino is one of my favorites. Find his special relatable on Netflix. I also have one on Showtime as well, not to brag, but there's one on Showtime called Grandpa Joe's Son if you want to look up that one as well. I'm surprised you don't have anything on cable since you're wearing the hat of Larry the Cable Guy right now. My sister's one titty bigger than the other titty.

Does Gilbert have anything to say about this? Guys, this is... I will fuck you later. Seriously. Guys, this is the show where we talk to comedians after they've done 60 seconds of stage time. Comedians, it's piled up in the back. You know your stage time is up, your 60 seconds,

when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aww. That's adorable. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Fuck yeah. Brian hates the podcast listeners. Unbelievable. Somebody fired at work.

Just push them away as fast as you can, Brian. Please. Perhaps bring out your gay drum set some more so that we can all hear you aimlessly beat on drums. Very good. I can tell by the way you're playing that that you never had one as a child. That was exactly like the roots. And now you're overcompensating. That was exactly like the roots.

That was perfect. For the drum set, your parents never bought you. Your timing is so bad on that, it might as well be Pat doing a Gilbert impression. Guys, so I pulled the name out of the bucket. Over 40 comedians signed up for the chance to do

60 Seconds Tonight. It's always crazy. Your first comedian doing 60 Seconds Tonight and then talking with me and Steve Trevino is Albert Escobedo. Yes. Oh, Latino. Albert Escobedo. Oh, Latino. Albert Escobedo! Oh, shit. This is crazy. It's unbelievable

that 40 people waiting for a spot and one of them signed up and did not show up. Albert Escobedo, you have been blacklisted. He's done. Play something. Okay, Gilbert. The Mexican kid got black in. I guess you shouldn't.

I don't know why I stopped you. Usually you have me do a sound effect. Right. Then you said play something. I was caught off guard. What were you going to do? You were going to do a Gilbert thing. Ah!

What? A third F-like! Can we get the robot back? You're doing good, Andy Sandberg. Fuck yeah. I love it. You just picked up the French girl's jeans and just started wearing them. I love your style, Pat Reagan.

These are mine, bitch. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Hopefully he's ready to be in show business. Put your hands together for Dan Nolan. Dan. Here he comes. The human together for Dan Nolan. Dan. Here he comes. The human being. Dan Nolan, everybody.

Hello. I ordered a Vietnamese prostitute, and she showed up at my house three hours early. She wanted to love me wrong time. I just started exercising. Every morning I run for three miles straight and then another three miles gay. So I'm training for a biathlon.

I just found out a bunch of my dads are gay. I don't know why they're waiting. Someone's going to tell me. I used to have a really cool collection of rare coins, then my house burned down. Now I have a really cool collection of rare coins Then my house burned down Now I have a really cool collection of medium well coins I just started collecting stamps Or not stamps, EBT They don't call it stamps anymore

I'm doing good I finished with school finally I didn't graduate, I'm just fucking finished with it I'm going to be a comedian, everybody. We're going to get through this together. How about that? 51 seconds of thunder and lightning. Dan Nolan, I am in love with you.

Where did you come from? New York. New York City. Well, yeah, kind of. The Hudson Valley originally, and then I lived in the city. That's the same. You've been doing stand-up a few years. Three months.

Three months. You wrote all those jokes. I swear, yeah city for a while. You've been doing stand-up a few years. Three months. You wrote all those jokes. Holy fucking shit. That last one I'd heard before a few times. Brian from nowhere with just hatred. Nothing really funny about what he just said at all. Sure, go ahead, Brian. Quitting school.

I've heard that many times. That's an old joke. There was another one. I can't remember. Running straight and then running gay. Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. I feel like it's there.

It has to. I mean, somebody's crossed that path. Those are good jokes. It was funny. I think you did a good job. But my thing is your jokes are like set up punch and you fucking forgot the set up in one of them. You know what I mean? You have three lines and you're like, oh, no, EBT. Was that the joke?

Oh, it was the joke. The stamps? That was the joke? Yeah, you can't. That was it. EBT food stamps. Okay, you want to get rid of that one. You want to get rid of that one.

You now have a tight 40 seconds. You have a tight 40. I love your style. You have such good jokes, it makes me wonder why you're wearing those pants. Oh, he's on his knees a lot, apparently. Another way to survive in jail. I mean, those things are falling apart.

Were you going to make them into shorts? It's a whole thing on the side. Yeah, this is all ripped up. I got this at a flea market for a dollar like eight years ago. Fuck yeah, you did. I would have guessed Neiman Marcus. So your jeans, did you do that to them? No, this has happened over the last couple months.

They're now shorts. Just so you know, just go ahead and take off the rest. Oh, but that would be ridiculous. Well, he did a lot of walking, going door to door, having to alert the neighborhood. Oh, that was good be ridiculous. Well, he did a lot of walking, going door to door, having to alert the neighborhood. Oh, that was good. I didn't know where you were going with it. That was good.

You know, what's funny is that because he had the Sarah Palin shirt on, so they thought, oh, is he a campaigner? No. Actually. A molester. It's interesting that you have him picked as a molester. I have him for much more of like a cannibal type of... Yeah, like a bomber.

Yeah, the rare cannibal. Comedy store gets shot up today. I call a lot of people molesters and school shooters. And you really can't see, can you? Because from my angle, your eyes are fucking huge. Well, you can't see for shit, right? Yeah, I got pretty shitty vision. What's your prescription?

They're about to nerd out. It's actually only like 20. How many times did that happen at Comic Con? Oh, shit. Yours are worse than mine. Mine are way worse than his. Really? Yeah.

His look pretty. Maybe I'm like. I still think you did a good job. Oh, well, thanks. Two brand new comedians over there, and you guys have worse eyes than Bill Cosby. I'll tell you this, though, man. Honestly, on an honest note, if you're going to write jokes like you do, that's a tough, it's hard, man, because you got to fill an hour when you start headlining 15 years from now.

Yeah, I just started doing bits and stuff. I'm trying to finish. All right, all right. Okay, so you're already getting on top of daddy. No, but it's hard, though. You know what I mean? If you're already getting on top of Danny. It's hard, though. If you're going to write jokes, Tony does jokes, but he'll tell you how hard it is.

You've got to fill 45 minutes. You've got to do a lot of fucking writing. Good luck. I think you're funny, though. I've got like 50 jokes that are like that. The kind of one-liner shit. And those are the fucking four you picked? That's about 10 minutes. So you wrote those in three months, or have you been writing for years, and then you just decided to...

I started on Twitter. I started out with like 20 jokes. I only do about five of them still. How old are you? 28. What have you been doing up until three months ago? I used to work in television. What did you do in television?

I was a locations assistant, location manager for some movies and stuff, and then I went to jail. With your eyes? You called it. Went to jail. Yeah, those gosh darn police and their rules against eating human flesh. What did you go to jail for? Driving without a license.

But I went for six months. But I'm white and got out. No big deal. I was on probation for a DWI and I got arrested three times because I kept getting caught buying heroin. I'm four months clean and sober, though. Fuck yeah. I walked out of rehab

and I just started doing stand-up. But you're wearing your fucking drug addict clothes. It's time to get out of the drug addict clothes. I didn't dress like this when I was a drug addict. When I was a drug addict, I used to dress nice so I wouldn't get caught shoplifting. Can you do the meow thing? His shirt has tracks.

I think you could have gotten away with shoplifting. Robert Durst got away with shoplifting. And he was also a serial killer. Robert Durst got away with shoplifting. He was also a serial killer. That's what brought him down. He got caught stealing a sandwich and then he ended up back in jail. Did you shoot heroin? Yeah.

You're way too chill about it. If you have all these experiences, you should be talking about that shit. I do now. Two months into it. Month number four, I really started getting into about that shit. Yeah, no, I do now, yeah. You know, after that, two months into it. Month number four, I really started getting into some deep shit. So three months ago, you started stand-up, but four months ago, you quit shooting heroin.

Do you ever, when you're... So I got into comedy to get clean. When you're ever on the microphone, do you see the cord and ever just want to wrap it around your arm? That was good. Every time I put my belt on in the morning, I'm like, eh. Fuck yeah.

How many blue babies do you have? Blue babies? What does that mean? Oh, what? Train spotting babies? No, I don't know. Oh, what? Oh, no. Okay. Fuck yeah. Well, you're on the right track, Mark.

Really? Really, guys? That's all you were going to give that? You think I have that locked and loaded? Something that I do all the time When the heroin people are on Now Let me say The life of stand-up is much better than a drug addict

You're going to shoot You're going to shoot your way right to the top. You seem to have really good stage presence, though, for only three months, though. Really? I mean, you seem very comfortable on stage. Yeah, well, I go up like four times a day. Just keep chasing that dragon, bro. Four times a day?

Yeah, oh, yeah. Good for you, man. Yeah, every day. I spend all morning going to AA meetings and then all night going to open mics. What do you do for a living? Nothing right now. Where do you live? I live in a sober living house out in West Adams.

That's awesome. Yeah, it's a gay men's sober living house. I just went there. But the blowjobs are amazing. Wow. Get this guy a book deal. Who's dick did you have to suck to get in there? Literally.

And those are the... You gotta start talking about your life, man. I didn't want to do new stuff. I've been doing that stuff for like two weeks. And I have some really good stuff that's been working really great. I didn't want to do it on this if I got picked. I knew I'd go to the old stuff. You got a bag of really good stuff.

And instead you came up here and just talked a bunch of smack. It came in a balloon. Yeah, have you ever thought about doing balloon animals? Does heroin come in balloons? Well, the stuff out here does. I did it

in New York where it's powder, but the tar stuff comes in balloons. Yeah, don't you know anything? Come on. Yeah, of course. Well, what kind of rock star are you, Pat Reagan, to where you don't know how to do heroin? Dan, I had so much fun with you. Get working on that actual real life shit,

because you have so much interesting premise, and you're such a good joke writer, clearly, that if you combine those two things, you'll be unstoppable and I think you'll be a comedy addict. Dan Nolan everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at DanNolan22. All one word.

DanNolan22. We're having fun. We're back. You see that? Yeah. It's like a well-oiled machine. I gotta go check how I'm coming out. How am I doing over there? Am I looking good? If it's anything like you look in real life, it's not looking good. Shit's gonna go bad.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for her. We know her. It's Edie Gibson, everybody. Edie Gibson. Live, in the flesh. Wow. I'm deeply disappointed in Death Squad regular podcaster. Edie Gibson has just been blacklisted.

See, that time I was hoping for Gilbert, but he wasn't there. She would be blacklisted if she... She's on her way. Is she coming? Here she is, Edie Gibson, everybody, live in the flesh. Not a black comic, even though she's late. Edie Gibson.

It's me, Edie Gibson. Okay. What do I want to do? So this is a really good show. I just had a show yesterday at a sports bar. It was so bad that the black guys were actually watching hockey. Like, just did not want anything to do with the show whatsoever.

I love to be a comic because I love to do a job where I can drink. And it was either be a comic or be a whore and surprise. I just found a way to do both. I haven't been to a bar since my friend Kathleen came to visit. And I went to the bathroom and she came back and she goes, someone put something in your drink. Don't worry, they were really hot. I'm like, dude, what's wrong with you?

It's so fucked up to drug someone to have sex with them. You don't have to do that. I'll fuck you for the drugs. Like, that's just where I'm at. I'm poor. I want drugs. Fuck the middleman. Unless the middleman has drugs, then I'll fuck

him too. One last thing. Yeah, fuck you guys. Oh, let me do this one more thing. Can I? I know you guys are judging me for doing drugs, but people who judge me for doing drugs never have drugs, and I don't want to be their friend.

I love that. You know what I love about it is that you are committing to a premise for a while, and you're staying in that pocket, and it felt real to me. I think it got quiet because I think a lot of the guys started thinking, fuck, I wish I had some drugs right now. Yeah, I got something like that. Me too. I'm pretty sure that's the sound that I heard go over.

When me and Steve, professional comedians, are here laughing at her, and you guys are all quiet. I want to fuck her. Yeah, exactly. You got drugs? Sorry. You look like you might have drugs.

Me? No. I'm married, honey. I'm going home after this. That's what I'm doing. Yeah. I thought it was good. I got to tell you, though, it was really good. I just don't think it fits your character.

That's why I think people are like, oh, that sweet girl's talking like that. That's what I'm about though. Are you really? Is it really what you're about? Yeah, it is true. That's good then. But you gotta sell it more. Yeah, it's the truth. You gotta make them believe. Okay. I love that. It's not quiet. Because all these dudes

are like, okay, we've got to get drugs tomorrow. And come back to the comedy store. You know how many Captain Save-A-Hose are in here right now? Like, I can change her. I can get her clean. That's what everyone's thinking. They're totally right. Because when you start talking about that, that's what guys immediately is thinking.

Like, I can get drugs. Edie, Edie, Edie, what if I told you that I know a guy that could get you some heroin? Edie, Edie, what if I told you that I know a guy that could get you some heroin? You should also maybe do a premise about how some guy tries to drug you, but he doesn't know that you like drugs. So it's taking forever to fuck you up. You know what I mean?

It's like, this bitch is taking all my drugs. She won't pass out. This fucking bitch has a tolerance. You know what I mean? I do have something about one time I worked at a bar and someone drugged my drink because they didn't know I worked there. But jokes on them, I was going to use the money to buy drugs anyway. That's good, yeah. What's your drug of choice?

I like Vicodin so far. So far? I know that's not like the heaviest, but it's like the chillest. You can just do it whenever you know you don't have to be like fucked up super fucked up on it alright I like your style

you're like Amy Schumer meets Amy Winehouse and uh I'm pretty sure we know how this is gonna end but with but with talent a real train wreck you know what I mean that's an Amy Schumer joke that you guys might have missed But with talent. A real train wreck. You know what I mean? Thank you. That's an Amy Schumer joke that you guys might have missed.

I thought she did good though. Thank you. I think it was smart. I think you guys didn't give her any credit. It was very well written. One note that I would give is when you find out that they roofied you, I'd have you say, well, is he hot, instead of your friend being the funnier one. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, no, I know. That's good. Yeah, yeah, I'm really good. That's the horse of truth, everybody. I don't know if you guys, I guess I forgot to mention in the beginning of the show, there's a horse of truth that when I say something super honest you'll hear that horse. And you'll probably hear it a few more times tonight.

Edie. What drug won't you do? I won't do meth or heroin. Why? Too much fun? Not ready for that point in my life yet. Yeah, not ready for that. Keep doing comedy.

You'll be there. Keep doing stand-up. Why do you think you love drugs so much? Um, that's a good question. Why does anyone love drugs so much? Pretty dope. I don't know. I feel great.

Because there's a hole in your heart. Yeah, it's to escape. And you need to fill it. With drugs. And the hole in your vagina gets filled with cock. And the only way to fill your heart is with drugs. Thank you for saying that, everyone. Give it up for this guy and the jokes.

I love it. Edie, how long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. What's your favorite drug? Vicodin? Yeah. And do you drink while on Vicodin? Yeah. Do you drive while drinking on Vicodin? Yeah. Do you drink while on Vicodin? Yeah.

Do you drive while drinking on Vicodin? No. Maybe. If you or one of your friends has a drug problem. Yeah. This is a special rehab version of Kill Tony. It's like Saved by the Bell, remember?

Peter Gibson started Vicodin in 2012. This isn't even really an episode of Kill Tony. This is really just an intervention for you, Edie. All these people, your family's actually in the back right now. Doing drugs.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Kind of is. No, no, no. It's not your fault.'s not your fault Kind of is A lot of it's my fault Thank god for bad step daddies Fuck yeah Okay Thank you I like you

I love this show so far We went from you know It's a drug show It really is a drug show I'm dating a girl right now who is a French maid. We know about this. That was in Montreal. I'm dating a girl who was

crystal meth addict at 14 and went to rehab. It's crazy. She sounds like a real winner. No, she's cool now. Is that why she allows French girls? Are you jealous of girls? I like her attitude. She's like, oh, meth. What a fucking loser.

I just do Vicodin and Succon. That's coming from me. I just currently do Vicodin. I don't do meth. That bitch did drugs. Brings me to my next question. Are you jealous of the girls that can do meth and heroin and

stay pretty? I've always wondered about girls no i've never even thought about that whoa i don't know uh that wasn't really convincing um i've never really thought of it that way but when you but when he said meth you said well you know she doesn't have her life together but well 14 is pretty young to be doing meth but like because i'm 26 why are you all fucking judgy all of a sudden? Because I'm 26. I mean, you've got to look at the positives. At least people on meth clean their apartment and shit. Thoroughly.

I've hung out with people on Vicodin that are drunk, and it's like the most annoying thing in the world. And there's no painkiller strong enough to hang out with a person that's drunk and on Vicod it, even though there is. It's like Down syndrome alcoholic. Oh, it's the worst. Yeah. But anyway, Edie, great stuff.

I love that you're talking about your actual life and things that you actually love, and that's like the most important thing. If you keep chipping away at that joke. You might have a career before you die. Adding some more lines to it that you're not just... I like you. See, you get it. Adding some more lines to that joke that you're just not going to snort. I think it's going to come out really good. Your comedy

is not going to lose any teeth. Cool. Yeah. Edie Gibson everybody. Thank you. She's on Twitter at Edie Gibson Comedy. All one word, Edie Gibson Comedy. Fuck yeah. I'm excited about this so far.

I thought she was one of the girls that went on after the show. Nope. She's done it before, though. Yeah, she's done it one time. She's big in our death squad. None of the fun rising comedians in the world. I think this guy's been on before Chalice Robinson everybody

here we go Chalice Robinson everyone you're laughing because you're there anyway I'm just going to do the joke we'll talk later so I had to stop drinking hard liquor because apparently I'm an asshole my friends

yelled as i threw up on them from the backseat of the car while getting pulled over uh they did say hold that shit though but trying to hold your throw up is basically like trying to hold your throw up is nearly impossible yeah i had this shit come into my hands did a wave onto my face and over the front seat. You know how people yell, hey, watch out for that pool of oatmeal. I'm the guy that goes, huh, and falls into it. Don't worry about it. That's just how I looked.

Don't think about it too much. It's like the only night that I actually ended prematurely and had a bunch of dudes be mad at me. Fuck yeah, you went for it. Solid 45 seconds. Yeah. Now, let me just call this out first. You've been on the show twice, am I correct? And both times

I found out that your middle name is Calrissian. Am I correct? Correct. What is it? It is Calrissian. As in Lando Calrissian, the mayor of Sky City from Empire Strikes Back, the second Star Wars movie.

Wow, a black nerd parent. That's awesome. You know what? My mom has never seen the movie. No? She just liked Billy Dee Williams. I just like that motherfucking name. That's her.

That's my black impression. By the way, they say black dudes have ass. Dude, I've seen more ass on a flounder. That's her. That's my black impression. By the way, they say black dudes have ass. Dude, I've seen more ass on a flounder. Look at this. Turn around. Show them the lack of shitter that you have. Yeah, and you have stuff in your pockets. That's like a California girl trick.

Girls from California all have flat asses. A fun fact because I'm from Ohio where girls have corn-fed asses. It's cold. I've been out here nine years and I've realized that California girls do this thing where girls have corn-fed asses. Anyway. It gets cold. Something that I learned. I've been out here nine years, and I've realized that California girls do this thing because they don't have asses.

I mean, not everybody born in California, but there's something weird about, like, I don't know, the water or the hemisphere or fucking something to where their asses are flat if they're born and raised in Southern California. Where are you from? I'm from Virginia. Virginia.

Well, this is a little different. I have a different point. My point is this. What I've noticed that these California girls do is they put stuff in their back pockets like notes and wallets and cell phones and all this stuff to try to

fill out an ass that's not there. Anyway, my point is... I got some stuff for your ass. Maybe that'll help you out a little bit. Is that a Slim Jim handkerchief? out an ass that's not there. Anyway, my point is, I got some stuff for your ass. I'm on to you guys. You want to put that in the back of your... Maybe that'll help you out a little bit. Is that a Slim Jim handkerchief? No, it's Lone Star.

Oh, okay. Texas. You ever see a girl with a really big butt and really tight jeans and she's got herself in it? You're like, she's going to break herself? Yeah. I've seen that, yeah. Good thought, though.

So, Calrissian. Let's talk about your set. Let's talk about it. No, you have to be a comedian because filling out a job application has got to be a motherfucker. I don't put the middle name. Yeah, with Calrissian. Even the first name is tough, but I don't put the middle name. What's the first name?

Chehalis. Chehalis? Yeah. Oh, my God. You're oh, my God-ing that. Look how it's spelled. Oh, man. Holy shit.

C-H-A-L-I-S-S? Yeah. That's fucking awesome. It's spelled Chalice. And how do you say it? Chalice. But there's no second H. You say Chalice.

Just give me an extra high in there, man. Come on. Well, he's gay, so it's Chalice. You say Chalice. Not gay, man. Don't spread that one. Whoa. You're not gay. Nothing wrong with being gay, so it's, hey, let's. You said you're gay, man. Don't spread that one. Whoa. You're not gay.

Nothing wrong with being gay, buddy. He's from Sky City, not Guy City. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years? Almost, almost. What did you talk about again here tonight? Throwing up.

I think that was a big problem of it. If you're going to say I couldn't throw up, it was like holding back throw up. You got to come up with something. There is definitely something. I was trying to think of it. It sort of reminds me of have you ever had to, when you're driving pee in a bottle or something like that?

Once you start. It's just too much because you have to pee that bad. It's going to be more than usually. But it's not really that. But there's obviously things that get overfilled because you can only hold a mouthful worth of puke. Cock. I actually, by the way, in Toronto last weekend, I was at a bar on mushrooms and I actually puked in my mouth, held it,

swallowed the whole thing back. Because you don't want to lose the mushroom. And then the bartender gave me a shot because he witnessed this. He goes, oh damn, that was amazing. He's like, here you go, buddy. You deserve this. He said it was the play of the week. Jehalis, you ever done mushrooms? No.

No drugs, Jehalis? The only drug I do is alcohol. I don't even smoke weed. Don't get mad at me, buddy. I'm just asking questions. Don't ask the fuck questions. You got a lot of work to do. That's what I'm saying.

Write, write, write. The throw up story could be really funny. Just fucking make it funny. I get it. Comedy 101, dude. Bodily functions. I'm working on it. Always fucking funny.

What's your drink of choice? And don't tell me it's Colt 45. Hell no. Calrissian was played by Billy Dee Williams, who was the Colt 45 guy. Hennessy. You fucking idiots. Don't. Hennessy. You fucking idiots. Don't say Hennessy either.

Hennessy. I don't really drink hard liquor. I only stick to beer. What kind of beer? Free. Well, I'm going to say this, and you'll be like, oh, Heineken. Oh, Heineken. I like Blue Moons.

Things that are spelled weird. Yeah. Yeah. Give me the beer that's hard to say. Heineken. I guess it's not that hard to say. What do you. Yeah, I just... Give me the beard that's hard to say. Heineken. I guess it's not that hard to say. What do you do for work?

Retail store. He's black. Come on. Oh, Jesus. What does that mean? They don't work. Oh, no. Fuck you.

You told me before we got out of here to be funny. That wasn't a joke. What do you do? You do retail? Steve's from Texas, everybody, where racism is hilarious.

Even if there's no punchlines. In Texas, you tell a racist joke and everybody gets quiet and goes, I'm telling you. Che Jailis, so how long have you been playing basketball for? Alright, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm just trying to match Steve's Steve's racism Fuck yeah, what do you tell for a umpire that just walked in the room everybody? I've said before he always asked it's okay. What do you do? Oh, we're gonna reach us at Walmart Wait you just said this Why are you mad at me again? Walmart. You're a little defensive. Let me pull these up so you don't think I'm angry. You're a little angry. You're a little upset. I don't like it. I'm very uncomfortable now. Okay, so when you were puking

with your buddies, let's try to get back to this material here. Why were you puking? I had too much to drink. Too many Heinekens? No, no, no. Let's get into it, man. Didn't you just say you don't drink hard liquor?

This is a part of why. So then that's why you got to talk about that. I usually drink beer, but this night, what happened? Too many drinks, man. I had a friend that worked at a bar, and he was hooking it up, you know, Long Islands and tequilas, and just had too much beer. Why's it got to be tequila? Because I'm Mexican?

Yes. And it had the worm in it. tequila? Because I'm Mexican? Yes. And it had the worm in it. Tequila doesn't have the worm, actually. It's mezcal. Man, whatever. Same shit. You're mad again. No, I had too many drinks.

But that makes a good comedian. Angry people make good comedians. Chalice, where do you get up? Because I've seen you here three times. Where else do you get up? Hollywood Hotel. The you here three times. Where else do you get up? Hollywood Hotel. The hotel? Yeah.

Shout out to the Hollywood Hotel. Is there a rock climbing place inside? That's where I've seen you the most. Yeah, I'm there three times a week usually. Fuck yeah, just banging French hookers. Pat's on, man. Chalice, I love the fact that you dress exactly like Louis C.K.

It does a little bit. Without the jokes? Oh, shit. It's hard to compete. Louis C.K.'s been at it a long time. How long have you been doing it? Two years? Two years. Half the battle's getting on stage and not being so defensive when somebody's trying to help you.

You got – I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Jehalis, Jehalis, Jehalis. You command the stage really well for two years in. Command the stage and a lot of people who do it a lot more years never even learn how to do. So you got that working on it towards you. I think your issue is you're not talking about anything.

So it's like either right – either like the dude with the hair. If at any point you just want to punch Pat in the face. No, no, no. You have my full permission. It's my show. It'll be art. Police can't do anything. You better watch it.

You know what I mean? It'll be art. Because Tony was saying like, oh, what was your set about again and stuff? And it's like, I'm trying to remember. I guess it was about throwing up. But I'm like. Yeah, basically, yeah.

I mean, not throwing up, but just a drunk night that I had. Yeah, who's a comedian whose material you would like to have written? That I would have liked to have written? You would have liked to have been like, oh, I wish I thought of that. What's happening right now? Who's one of your favorites? I like Hannibal and Chappelle, of course. Yeah, I'd say right. Some black dudes.

No, no, I like Bill Burr. He's one of my favorites. I've seen all of them. With, I say right. So black dudes. No, no. I like Bill Burr. He's one of my favorites. I've seen all of them. Mostly his best movies. With your favorite comedians. I'm glad you like... Hannibal's a beast, man. And, you know,

every thought that he says is thought out. You gotta fucking write. Like, sit down and fucking write it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I can't respond to you

because you'll be like, oh, you're getting angry. You see what's happening here? It's a whole cycle, guy. It is really, really hard to write, but you just got to do it. You got to come down from your cloud and hopefully you'll have a smooth Lando.

Chahalas Robinson, everybody. He gets pulled out of this bucket a lot. Very lucky guy. He's on Twitter at YoPParker. We love you, Chahalis. Figure out the puking bit so that it doesn't make audience members want to puke. Do some squats. Shit.

And fuck yeah, Trevino's the ass police for the night. For those of you that signed up that don't have a big fucking beautiful ass. If you don't have a nice shitter, I don't want to see it. Turd cutter. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a newer name. Put your hands together for Chase Holtman, everybody. Chase.

Chase Holtman. Thanks, guys. When I was in college, I once had an acid flashback while I was taking the written final for my badminton test. That's true. That did happen. I passed, though. I got an A, and I passed it with flying colors.

But I just remember being really annoyed because I'm trying to take this test and I memorized all these rules of badminton and the paper kept changing colors slowly. So I'm just coming up and I'm like, I don't know what they're going to throw at me. Last question. For 50 points, 50% of your

final grade, badminton 103, what color is the paper that this test is printed on? That's all I got, guys. Fuck yeah, 57 seconds. A well-written acid joke Yep, you didn't trip over any of the words May I just be the first to tell you you have an amazingly wonderful ass. He has a nice. I mean it's incredible even

Look at all the junk in that trunk. It's a nice pooper big thighs fat ass today's today's theme is drugs. Don't say, nothing pisses me off more than when comics go, true story. What the fuck are you telling us then? You know what I mean? Like, if it's a true story, just tell the story. Like, comics do that. They'll be on stage, for all you fucking open mic guys, they'll be on stage, they'll tell three jokes, and then the next joke they go next joke they go all right true story well what the fuck was the rest of the shit you just said

you know i'm saying don't say that i think i i do i i take issue with that because sometimes like i'll do jokes because you know a lot better than i do i'll be like i'll tell a joke where i'll just be like uh well i actually steve actually left uh your management company who I was with for an actual management company recently. Oh, Jesus. Oh, whoa. Jesus. Whoa. Whoa. Call me when you're on Netflix. All right.

So my issue with that is just like, all right, sometimes I do jokes that are completely not true, and then I'll say something that is true, which is fucking balls crazy who no one would believe. So when he's like, that's such a ridiculous statement that I think saying true story makes me be like, oh, it's actually true. Because a lot of, especially white guys with glasses, we tell jokes that are based in false premises. So I stand by you.

Do what you want. It is a tricky thing. Netflix are playing the guitar on Monday. Guys, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shots fired. Sh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shots fired. Shots fired, everybody. I respect your opinion.

It's all what you want to do. But in my opinion, because the things that I do on stage are all real, and everything I do on stage is from my real life, so there's no need for me to ever go. Chase, are you the same way? Are your other jokes mostly real? Or do you have like a... I think the challenge with me is i'm not so real i a lot of the stuff i do is very you know fitting the white guys with glasses apparently there's a a stereotype but what's the stereotype doing like clever shit that's not really based in anything real.

Right. So do you have a lot of that? I know how the industry is now. You'll have a deal in a month. Yeah. Sorry, what? Chase, are you on acid again right now? Don't be angry. We already dealt with that.

No. Do you just do acid before everything? No, I don't. Fuck yeah. What do you do for work? I do tech. No! Now that is a stereotype of the way you look.

That's incredible. What do you do for tech? Kind of IT stuff. If it disgusts you, I can't even imagine. You wouldn't get it. It's very technical. Pat, can you explain to me what he does at the tech company? I don't know, man.

No? With those glasses? Anyway. It varies by the day. Those glasses and those bangs. So I missed the beginning part. You were actually taking a badminton test. Is that what you were talking about?

Where was this at? This was Chapman University. And they actually have a badminton class. It is badminton 103. What are badminton 102 and 101? This is a kid's game, right? Badminton? It's an Asian game.

We touched on something there. Fuck you guys. You ever see anybody else play badminton no I mean there was a written final in that class I mean was this a required class or was this

no no so you just took badminton it was for PE oh PE you getting a little angry can you step over there please a little upset

it was for PE okay wow interesting for PE it Wow. Interesting. It just seems so weird. When you were talking about it, I was like, wait, what the fuck? Did I miss you were a Boy Scout or something?

It seems like maybe you tried to make up some reason why you took badminton. I have no idea. I've never heard of a badminton 103. That's ridiculous. What kind of college? I also took a frisbee class there. Wait a second.

No joke required. Wait a second. Are you sure that you just don't think you were taking these classes because you were on acid? I'm pretty sure that's what's happening here. Is this DeVry extreme? What kind of college is this?

Dude I tripped so hard That I just got a fucking masters In Frisbee I was there on a scholarship For badminton Chase you do a lot of drugs I'm actually surprised I thought you were going to be the one guy

That we've seen tonight that hasn't done drugs And then you jump right into, even while taking a college test, you were on acid. It was a flashback. It was a flashback, right? Yeah, it was a flashback. I'm not usually on drugs. I usually drink or get high.

Marijuana. Marijuana. I don't do drugs except I do drugs. She doesn't do drugs like your girlfriend. I do some drugs, but I'm except I do drugs. He doesn't do drugs like his girlfriend. I do some drugs, but I'm not usually on drugs. If there was a heroin addict in the room right now, what would you say to him? It's a gateway.

That's enough, actually. You nailed it. That's the greatest sound effect of all time You can play it anytime It makes sense Chase, are you dismissing yourself? What the hell just happened? No more drugs You're just going to flash back to your seat?

After all this bonding we've had, Chase? Well, that was cool. Later. You can dismiss yourself. Chase, what are your parents like? Where are you from? I've always been in SoCal. My parents are kind of hippie, baby boomer parents.

This is your parents, right? Okay, okay. Chase, you can be anything you want to be, Chase. Go out there and do it. We support you. Chase, here's $30,000 for a badminton class. Yeah. Knock yourself out.

Check out the Frisbee class. That's actually pretty accurate. I got a degree in hacky sack. With a minor in... Chase, you gotta write it before you start talking, buddy. I don't know how you think we do this magic, but we think of the thing first. Say it twice in your head.

You got it yet? Fuck yeah. Chase, I like your style. I'm going to send you back to your seat. So much fun to meet you. You have a great day. Good job, Chase. Chase Holtman, everybody.

Chase Holtman's a funny underscore quote. Funny underscore quote. Guys, our second guest is here. One of my favorite comedians in the world. One of the most talented people. Put your hands together for the great Steve Simone, everybody. Here he is. Okie dokie.

No, Steve? Sit back down. Josh, get Steve Simone. Damn it, Josh. I love it. Steve Simone is the first guest to ever get blacklisted. That just happened really quickly. Don't say that.

You're going to hurt his feelings for real. No, I'm kidding. Steve's one of the best, nicest guys in all of comedy. He actually is the nicest guy in all of comedy. He's at the Children's hospital right now. Wait, what? He's at the children's hospital. At the TV show children's hospital

or an actual children's hospital? Wow. Jesus. Boring. I mean, I'll let the nice guys do that because those children, you know, go fuck themselves. I mean, let's face it, they've been spoiled.

You know what I mean? They get everything they want every fucking day. Kids in children's hospitals are the only kids that get to eat pudding like three times a day. Oh, you laugh, but I'm serious. I don't... Pudding's got drugs in it. Fuck yeah, for this room full of drug addicts that we have. Josh, where's Steve Simone?

He's not here. I just got a text from him saying I'm here if you need. So Josh, I don't think you're doing your job correctly. Maybe that's why. He is not physically here. That's the problem. If you can go. Steve Simone is here. Steve Simone's

here, Josh. That's the producer, Josh Martin, everybody. Josh Martin. I was just periscoping downstairs. If anybody should know that our other guest is here, it's him, but it's okay. And the waitresses. Give the waitresses a big round of applause. Yes, Comedy Store. The black and red, the darkness of the Comedy Store.

Check out that sleeve. It's just her, everybody. She needed a little extra attention. She stopped the whole thing to let us know it's just her, by the way. It's just me, asshole. No other waitresses tonight. Maybe Chase. All right, I'm just going to bring up the next comedian.

And then Steve Simone is going to come out. He's a great guy. Put your hands together for Tam Fam. Hey. I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna sing Hey, so I've set a new personal record. For the last five weeks in a row, I've not talked to a real live woman. Not more than I've talked to Siri. Which is hard because I don't even have an iPhone.

God, it sucks never getting laid. Nobody has ever thanked me for all the pineapple juice that I drink. Almost makes me wish my socks could talk. But they can't. Their lips are stuck together. There it is. He's out on a minute. Steve Simone, everybody. Come on up here, Steve Simone.

Fuck yeah. One of the nicest guys in the world, Steve Simone, one of the funniest comedians. How's it going, buddy? Very funny. Tam Pham, everyone. He just killed Tony. That's how it happens. Tam Fam.

Un-fucking-believable work. Unbelievable. Thank you. The best part about it is nobody doubted. Nobody was like, wait a minute, he gets some pussy. Everybody's like, yeah, poor bastard, right? It's definitely coming from a true place. He knows his character.

See that, Chase? And the fucking black... What's his name? What's his name? Chahalis. Sky? Chahalis, yeah. Calrissian.

Chahalis. You know your character, man, and you did it fucking well. You're really funny, man. Thank you. Really funny. What kind of Asian are you? Vietnamese. Vietnamese?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Dude, I don't think we have one of those. I love your style. Vietnamese? Yeah. On a scale from one to five, I give you a faux. I did that one a couple weeks ago, but fuck it.

It's so good I did it again. It's just so good. Oh, God, my brain is amazing. Tell them I don't give a fuck. Oh, it's so good. Tam Fam. Now, that's your real name, right? Yeah.

And you used to wear a shirt that said, At Tam Fam, and you wore it all the time. And you'd come up here and you'd kill all the time. And we would always tell you, you're unbelievable just lose the at TamFam shirt because it seems too desperate. Now you've lost that shirt. Have you noticed that sets have been going better since you lost the shirt or it's just a shirt thing? They've been about the same but I do feel better

on stage. Right. What? Yeah, you do feel better. It's a feeling. The shirt's a feeling. Right, it is. It's important. It's important and I would also recommend a feeling. Right, it is. It's important. I would also recommend not wearing your socks that you use in the bedroom on stage either. That'll make you also feel better. How do your parents feel about your stand-up comedy?

I haven't talked to them in a while. They think it sucks! You haven't talked to them in a while, really? I went for it, you assholes. Sock jokes, everyone. Remember? Remember what he talked about? All right. How do they feel about it? They don't know.

They don't know? You're in the closet with your comedy? You're going to sit them down at the table one day? Mom, Dad? They have deep closets in the Vietnamese culture, too, because they all live in dry cleaning places. That's why the shirt was uncomfortable. Did they know that you do it?

Is there a starch joke there? Oh, Jesus. There's not a starch joke there to answer your question. Steve Simone. Now, we heard a rumor earlier. Somebody yelled out from the audience he's at a children's hospital

is that true? that's amazing, you're like a hero oh my god, do you hear that? what'd he say? he's the only comic in town that when you say he's a nice guy it also means that he's funny because in comedy if somebody says what about this guy? you go, oh he's a nice guy, it also means that he's funny. Because in comedy, if somebody says,

what about this guy? You go, oh, he's a nice guy. That means he's really fucking not funny. But he is the nicest guy and the funniest guy. Good for you, Steve-O. Steve Simone. Steve Simone. Tam Fam, have you ever done any drugs?

No. Nothing? I tried marijuana once. It didn't go well. I like that he calls it marijuana. I tried the marijuana once. Well, I tried the THC breakdown of... Did you buy that shirt when you were high?

I mean, it looks like it's like the Radio Shack collection from Macy's. Wow. Look at this. A little roaster over here. Brian Redman. I did marijuana once, but my eyes closed so close that I couldn't see. Fuck yeah. You do have extra closed eyes, though.

He looks like an Asian guy skydiving. It's incredible. That's awesome. Tam, so you tried marijuana once. What happened? I didn't have pipes or paper, so I emptied out a big pen, and I stuffed it in there. What? The first time you ever smoked weed, you invented something to smoke it out of.

That's amazing. I think the plastic melted And I got the fumes in Oh Jesus It would melt by the way You're not going to be an engineer Tell your parents You don't have a career

So you inhaled the fumes And then what happened Dizzy and nauseous for six hours And that was the last time I tried that What did you do for the six hours? I just lied in bed or went over to my toilet and just sat there for a while. You just sat on the toilet? Who were you with?

Were you with any friends, or you were solo mission? By myself, of course. That's a terrible way to end a podcast. Oh, Jesus. You didn't even make a little sock puppet that smoke out of, too, or something like that? So where did you get the weed? I want to get high with you! Do you have a bunch of

volleyballs that you've drawn faces on around your bedroom? I love your attitude, though. You're like, I'm going to smoke weed today. So you went out, found some fucking weed, then got to the house and were like, I didn't plan smoke weed today. So you went out, found some fucking weed, then got to the house and were like, I didn't plan this very well. I need a pen.

Fucking hilarious. You got to talk about that shit on stage. What happened? Secrets? Just whispering. It's a whole thing. I think you're really funny, though, man. I really do.

I really think you're really funny. You did a hell of a job, man. I'm impressed. There's not much I can make fun of you on because you did really funny though, man. I really do. I really think you're really funny. You did a hell of a job, man. I'm impressed. There's not much I can make fun of you on because you did really fucking well. Thank you. Give him a round of applause. Don't be dicks. He did really well.

He did really well. Damn. Have you been getting spots here at the Comedy Store? No. You have not been getting spots here at the Comedy Store? Well, they're going to make you a part of the fam any day now. You're awesome. You should be getting up because, I up because it's amazing watching you.

I'm so glad that we've met. I'd like to have you Friday on the Ice House show if you want to. There you go. That just happened. Ice House, Friday night. Making careers. Somebody just went from the Rice House to the Ice House.

Everybody. I heard house, everybody. I heard that, brother. Amen. Tam Fam, thank you so much. Actually, the life house. He's at Tam Fam Comedy. Good job, buddy. Do you have anything else for Tam Fam? I'm sorry, I didn't check.

I caught the end of a set. I was coming in and you could feel it in the audience. In 60 seconds, you caught the whole thing. But you could feel the people loving it and that's what comedy is. It's how the audience takes it in. And he just has it. It's a gift.

Some people have it. I'm going to bring up a special third guest just to sit in with us. Josh, you have an extra chair for her. Another one of the funniest comedians who was able to just swing by at the last second. She's going to finish out the show hanging with all of us. Put your hands together for one of our favorites in the world, the great Tiffany Haddish. Oh, yeah.

Boom. Triple threat. Hi, guys. Simone. I was going to let you sit behind the table, but I'm like, no, they need to see all of this. You know what I mean? Let them enjoy it. All of this.

How y'all doing? Always stunning. Hey, boo. Hey, what's up, Tiffany? What's up with you, Big Daddy? His pants just got tighter. He holding that. But yeah, Tiffany,

it looks like you and Pat have a little chemistry, huh? Mm-hmm. You know how to handle that big piece of wood right there. Oh, shit. Wow.

I don't think she's talking about your guitar. Yeah, I'm talking about the guitar, you guys. I don't know if that other wood is big or not. I don't know yet. I like that she threw

a yet in there. Some dude said nope. Some dude in the back said, no, tried it. It's not that big. Yeah, Pat, what do you think about the amazingly lovely Tiffany Haddish?

Tiffany's great. I'm just taking it all in. Yeah. I bet you are. Hopefully she'll take you in sometime. You know what I'm saying? Boom. Who keeps doing the hey-o?

Who am I going to not talk to after the show? Who is it? Which one of you? I fucking hate hey-os. So just don't do it again. If that's what you do when you hear unbelievably hilarious shit, go kill yourself.

Just do it. That's not how you laugh. And I'm not doing hey-o fucking jokes. Go watch Leno, whoever's doing that oh okay thank you thank you thank you for listening to me and just killing yourself obviously it was too hard to not just say hey-o so you took perhaps the most permanent route by shooting yourself in the head. Fuck yeah. Let's get one more human being up here before we go to our two amazing regulars.

Tiffany, you ready to meet a stranger? Hell yeah. Tiffany Haddish is here. Steve Simone is here. Steve Trevino. And your next comedian is Kate Peterman. Woo! Steve Trevino, and your next comedian is Kate Peterman. Hello.

I had sex for the very first time recently, last week. Yeah. Thank you. That's not the reaction my Sunday school teachers told me would happen. Thank you. Yeah. Lifted the floodgates on 26 years worth of cum. It was a mess.

He drowned. He's dead now. I'm just kidding. I didn't cum. Naturally. While didn't come. Naturally. While he was there. Oh, ew. Okay. Here's a drastically different subject. Fun fact.

If you do yoga every day, you are more likely, or your odds of Instagramming a picture of you doing yoga on a rock are increased by nearly 100%. That is true. That's, ooh, sorry. You said you just said not to. I'm good. That's it. Thank you.

And that's exactly a minute. Kate, you were talking about yourself. You were it thank you and that's exactly a minute Kate you were talking about yourself you were talking about you and an experience and you were killing and then you told us if you're on Instagram doing that and you saw how that worked you see the difference I'm talking about you about your own personal things and then making an Instagram joke now so let's get to the good stuff which was the stuff about you. Did you really just lose your virginity?

Your virginity? Did you bleed? Did a smell come out? Brian, stop it! Stop it right now! We do not do that! I don't know! Bad! Bad man!

Where's the fucking horse of truth? Play the horse of truth. There it is. You better play that on you. That's what you get. You're being bad. You're bad. You're bad.

Oh, my God, Brian. What does it smell like? You know, that's a lot of, you know, cooking. I didn't know if there was, like. Oh, no, Brian. What does it smell like? Well, you know, that's a lot of, you know, cooking. I didn't know if there was like... Oh, no, no. Don't you, no, you stop. No. You know like old yogurt has around the corner of the yogurt?

It probably just smelled like sex musk, man. It just probably was sex musk. Now, I want to know, why was you holding on to it for so long? I was raised really religious, so I... Jehovah Witness? No, just Catholic. Just Catholic? Well, they usually give it up early. I'm going to hook you up with...

You and Tam Phan need to get together. Tam Phan? Yeah. So, what made you decide this guy was the guy? I just wanted to lose it, so I just picked a guy. Where'd you go?

Like Applebee's? Like, did you just pick one out? Find the first black guy you could find? Great question. No, you definitely don't start with a black guy, Brian. Carve it out early. I started with a black guy, and look at me now. Yeah, fucking white guys. That's where you are now. Oh, the truth is so funny.

I'll take a horn and a horse. Yes, you got it. Thanks. I nailed it. The truth is so funny. Racist jokes are so much funnier when you're not wearing a camel hat, I've heard. Is that true? You really just found the first guy you could find?

You just said, fuck it, this is it. I'm going for it. Did you warn him? Did you say, this is my first time? Is that a picture of him around your neck right now? Lion of the night. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. All the murdering I've done tonight. And I'm going to end up being jealous that I didn't see that first. You need to put that in an act. Oh, God. What is in that? What is that? Oh, this is a gift from my sister.

It's an alpaca. It's just an alpaca. Of course it is. Oh, my God. All the alpaca saints. Was the first guy you did it to, was he fine? Was he just a rant? Like, was he ugly?

Did he smell good? Like, does he have a job? Like, what? No, he don't have no job. No knuckle fuck before that? Whoa. Wait, let's answer this first question. Guys, take it easy. Guys, Trevino.

Take it easy. Trevino and Red Band, will you stop being gross? Steve Simone just came from a children's hospital to this. It's going to be too big of a transition. Welcome, buddy. Love you, kids. Come on.

Kate, answer our questions. He was really good looking. That's why I picked him. Where did you find him? On Tinder. Yeah. Your virginity went to Tinder. Yeah.

Wow. That's some crazy shit. I didn't want to be someone I knew. Did you go back for seconds? No. You didn't? I just sent him home. Right.

Just sent him home? Now, I just want to know this, because I remember my first time. Did it feel like a fire stick going into your vagina repeatedly? No, she's in her 20s. You were 9. No, I was not her 20s. You were nine. No, I was not nine. I was 17.

I was 17, motherfucker. Now, I did look like I was nine years old, but I was 17. I look nine, though, but I was 17. Fuck you. Fuck you. The clown horn of angry.

Angry. Shut up, motherfucker. That's why your auntie fucked you at 10, bitch. Damn, Steve. All right, let's keep it on cake, guys. Keep it on cake. Do that horse noise again so the fucking hair can remember where it came from. Oh, shit. First off.

First off. first off, I'm a unicorn, motherfucker. I'm a unicorn, so I stay horsey. Oh my God, and she fired that. Full pony. Oh my God. First off, this ain't even real hair. This is recycled plastic, bitch.

I go green all day. You understand me? You put some fire by this shit, it will melt like a Tupperware bowl. Don't smoke weed out of that. Yeah. Holy shit. That last dude tried to smoke weed out of my hair, wouldn't he?

That's motherfucking... Okay, anyways, girlfriend. Did he finger bang you? Thank you for asking. Come on, Kate. Okay, anyways, girlfriend. Did he finger bang you? Thank you for asking. Come on, Kate. You got to answer these questions or they're just going to keep roasting each other. Condom or no condom?

Condom, yeah. Condom. Now, like you said, you're super Catholic and this was your first time and you went on Tinder. Like, is it really Tinder or is there like some like Catholic Tinder, like Crucifux or something like that?

No, it was just regular Tinder. Okay, did it hurt at all? Or have you been masturbating for years and you already had that thing open so it wasn't like it was nothing? Right. Combo. First of all, look, I'm a little uncomfortable and you have balls to come

up here and talk about this. Give her a round of applause. Yeah, absolutely. You know, the theme of the night if anything is is funny. It was always people talking about real things that they really did. That's why we're having so much fun with it because it's real shit and your fucking character is

hilarious too. Yeah, your timing is incredible. You and Tom Phan go on the road together and it'll be fun. Don't never get late to her. We don't get late to her. His name's Tom. I'm from Texas, damn it. I don't care if it's a tan. He's in my country.

He's a Tom. Tom Smith, bitch. That's what he is. That's what he is now. Kate, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like a little over a year. That's cool. Where at?

Just open mics. How long have you been in L.A.? Two years. Okay. I like your style. Please come back again soon. Yeah. Okay. I like your style. Please come back again soon. Yeah. Last words for Kate Peterman.

Anyone? Are you ticklish? Brian, not you. Wait. I just want to know one thing. Okay. So you're so pretty. To me, you're very beautiful.

And I just want to know how. Okay. So how do you drink? Do you smoke weed? Do you do all that stuff and you were still able to hold the pussy? How? How? How can you do all that stuff and you were still able to hold the pussy? How? How? How can you do that?

Teach me. It wasn't like I was batting away a whole bunch of offers. It wasn't like that. It was just, I was never, not like a sob story or anything, it's just it didn't. Well, if you want to go back for seconds, just follow me on Twitter.

We'll figure it out. No, no, no. I. We'll figure it out. No. No. No. I want her and TamFam. I want her and TamFam to get together because, you know, I think it'd be really... I think it'd be really, really great for him to hook up with a foe.

It's a callback. It's mean. And it's perfect. She's laughing. She's laughing. You assholes. Keep it up. Kate. We need more women laughing.

Kate Peterman, I love you. Please come back again soon. Yeah. You're doing a good job. Okay, there you go. Kate Peterman. She's on Twitter at K-A-Y-T-E-P-E-A. K-T-P.

I think Kate Peterman should give a little wham-bam to Tam Pham. Oh, I like that. She won't feel it. Fuck yeah. He gonna have to feng shui that shit. Kate Peterman, everyone. Brand new addition

to Kill Tony fun to meet these people I'm glad you're here Simone you've contributed a lot I'm just hanging out having laughs oh Trevino come on

be nice we used to live together you know that we were roommates I know I was just setting up for a joke but forget it

guys this is the part of the show where out of all the people you've seen tonight most of them brand new. Maybe they've only been on a couple times. However, the next two comedians do this show every single week.

Since the show started over 115 episodes ago, they write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Not at the same time. Separately. Your first comedian tonight doing her usual minute. You know her from this show. And she's one of the fastest rising comedians. Put your hands together for the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Woo!

Sarah! Sarah! My grandma always told me never to get tattoos, so my whole family could be buried in a Jewish cemetery next to each other. But then she went out and got eyebrow tattoos. My grandma has face tattoos, guys. At 80 years of age, she decided that having perfect brows

was more important to her than being buried next to her Holocaust-surviving relatives. It looks like my grandma's tattoo artist got tired because half of her face looks surprised and the other half looks seductive. Eyebrow tattoos just seem so permanent, but if you wait till you're 80, they seem less permanent. Boom. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Fucking great. That's always my favorite thing is to see when one of the regulars just has a new minute that you could just stick it

anywhere. You could open with it. You can close with it. You can put that anywhere out of all the other stuff that you've made. That's easily a guaranteed. That's right in the form. I mean, you're talking about an actual family member. And that's unbelievably great.

Are they really different looking like what color did she go with Jesus Christ can you pick that color out I don't know I was gonna tie that in but then I was like I think I got a minute. But did you pick it out? What? Did you? Well, she's a redhead. Not anymore, but her hair is dyed red. So, yeah, she got strawberry blonde. Does she still get to get buried in the cemetery?

Yeah, they've made, you know, adjustments. For her? For the Japs in the community. Very good. Wow. Interesting. Really interesting. So is your grandma in a resting home, and does she have a boyfriend?

Because why does she give a fuck what her eyebrows look like? Yes. First of all, she has a boyfriend who just friended me on Facebook. I have yet to accept. How old is she? She's 85. Wow. So your grandma fucking.

Yeah. She's not fucking, but she's working the system. Wow. Is she like on Tinder or but she's working the system. Wow. Is she like on Tinder or something? What is she, on Rotary Tinder? 85 years old, just

fucking hooking up with people. She goes to bereavement groups. I swear to God. Get the hell out of here. She's a real juger. Yeah. A juger? That's funny. An 85-year-old Jewish lady. Did that guy have an extra bullet in his gun

that killed himself in the middle of the audience earlier? When do you really get to say juger? Okay. Fuck it. Anyway. Well, if a Jewish person made a... Never mind, and a black person made a... Whoa, whoa, wait a second. That's what Tiffany is.

You better hope Tiffany doesn't figure out... What you about to call me, motherfucker? No, I'm just saying. What you about to call me? Guys, back to Wineshank, even though I fucking love it and could watch this all day. Texas versus powerful black woman. I mean, it's just like fucking the most

perfect. Why isn't NBC... Somebody will die. Why isn't any sitcom on top of this yet? You know what I mean? Because we're Mexican and black. Oh yeah, that's right. But I'm Jewish too, though. I'm circumcised and everything. Shit. I mean, any more last words for Wineshank, guys? and everything. Shit.

I mean, any more last words for Weinshank, guys? I think that joke was fantastic. I think you're very close to graduating from this position. You're amazing. Is anybody taking you on the road? I need to get you out on the road somewhere. You're great. You did amazing. That was awesome. That's awesome. There you go. Trevino is one of the first people to let me open for him.

He gets great notes and he's so fun to work with. I'd love to see that happen. She read. Sarah Wine Shank, everybody. She did it again. Princess Shank on Twitter, Instagram. Follow her and follow the next comedian. The other regular who always does a brand new minute. Always fun.

She started. Her very first time ever doing comedy was on this show. She's been writing and performing a new minute ever since. It's the one and only Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. I want to avoid having kids for as long as possible, which is really

hard because I'm Hispanic. I feel like I make out with a guy and my period's late. But kids are really embarrassing. And I remember embarrassing my parents when I was younger. There was a time my mom took me to one of those fountain parks because it was free, you know. And it was one of the ones where the water came up and spewed up, and I ran right over to one of the things and sat on it. And I let the water hit me in the vagina. And my mom yelled, Kim, don't do that. And I yelled, no, it feels good.

But eventually I got up, because I had to get ready for prom that night. Thank you. Fuck yeah. I love that. Our senior Latino correspondent, Steve Trevino. I thought it was great. I think you touched on being Latino

and then you kind of kept moving on. I hate when Mexican-American comics get on stage and the whole act is about being fucking Latino. You're great. You're really funny. You too. I'd love to take you on the road too. I think you graduated from this. That was awesome. You always do the turn because I had to get ready for prom.

You should also say maybe that you were already pregnant or something. You know what I mean? Throw that in there. It's prom. I had to bring one of my kids with me. You know something? I like that. Girl! You know what I mean? Throw that in there. It's prom. I had to bring one of my kids with me. You know something? I like that. Girl, you know what I'm about to say. That water be making it ooey.

Are you a little water baby? Shit. Call that motherfucker aquamarine. All the girls at the pool with their hands on with the jet just fucking killing it. I feel like I got inspiration because I was watching like a kid do that

at a fountain and I was like, man, you can't do that as an adult. You can't. You can't just go over and sit on it

and enjoy it. I think that's a funnier joke. I think that's a funnier angle to go, you know, I can't do that as an adult but this kid's

about to come over there. This lucky bitch. Seven-year-old ho. Every time you hear a sprinkler, you get wet or horny. Who knows where the fountain ends and the squirting begins. I love it. It's so fun. That's another brand new minute. That's another, just like what

Weinshank did, that's another minute that you could slide right into anywhere. That's totally... Oh, you're going to laugh at shit that's accidental, you fucking idiots? Really? But I say Juger right in the moment and there's nothing. Okay.

Okay. Oh, oh, oh. Really? But I say Juger right in the moment and there's nothing. Okay. What the fuck? It's a thing I've been doing lately. I go full heel on the audience. It's my favorite. Anybody else who hosts the show, thanks for being here. Please stay.

And I'm just like, fuck you. Kill yourself. The poor artist is now having to try to figure out a way to add you in and you in. Are you doing it though?

Well, it's easy. He has a black sharpie for Tiffany. Kim Congdon, you did it again. Another great minute. Kimberly Congdon. It's Kimberly Congdon

on Twitter and Instagram and everything. Guys, I had so much fun tonight. I had so much fun with everyone. Pat Reagan, you're Patty Reagan on Twitter. Anything else you want to promote? Nope. I love it. Tiffany Haddish is Tiffany Haddish.

I know you always have, like, a long fucking list. So while you do that, while you're listing your things for the podcast. I only got one thing to list, two things to list. Okay, what is it? Tyler Perry's what? No. Tyler Perry fired me. Tyler Perry fired me so that I could go to NBC

and be on the Gerard Carmichael show that'll be coming out August 26th. Yeah. So make sure you check that out on NBC. Watch and support that. And I'm in a movie. I just got back from doing a movie with Key and Peele called Keanu that's coming out next April.

It's about to be famous! Steve Trevino is Steve Trevino on Twitter. You should have let her go last because I don't have anything going on. Netflix. Watch his special. It's called Relatable. I'll be in Chicago headlining August at the Improv.

So check that out. And Steve Simone is Steve Simone. S-I-M-E-O-N-E. Nobody gets that. Thank you. I'm a spelling bee champion. And I also have a podcast about stand-up comedy called The Process. This is a part of the show, guys. Steve, anything else you want to promote? Oh, yes. Your amazing podcast.

Yeah, my podcast, Good Times. My album, Remember This. And Toronto, August 14th. And right when you thought we couldn't blow your mind anymore, we bring back up the great Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. The house artist. He draws an episode, starts at the beginning

and ends it. He got everything tonight. You guys got to make sure if you see Ryan hanging out, beginning and ends it. He got everything tonight. You guys gotta make sure if you see Ryan hanging out, ask to see it. Me, Tiffany, Simone, Trevino. I look like a man with hair. Put them all on there, goddammit. Guys, we,

Brian and I are both going to stand up live in Phoenix, Arizona September 17th. That's us announcing that for the first time I'm going to be at the Toronto Just for Laughs Festival at the end of August or end of September and Kill Tony's doing crazy things

We have one of the most amazing guests you could ever ask for in the world coming next week instead of this week I cannot announce who that guest is. It's a really big deal. Or else I would announce it. I'm not going to tell you assholes.

You should have laughed at the Juger joke and then I would have told you. Thank you so much, live audience. Have a great night. Thank you. live audience. Have a great night. Thank you. Angel in the sky