KILL TONY - KILL TONY #115

Episode Date: September 5, 2015

Dom Irrera, Greg Fitzsimmons, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 08/10/2015   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

3, 2, Phoenix, Arizona. Stand up live. Of course, me and Tony are at the Comedy Store every Monday to record this, Kill Tony. It's a free show every Monday at 8 p.m. Every Friday we're at the Ice House at 10 p.m. for the Ice House Chronicles. Every Tuesday night in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store you've got The Roast Battle, which is Verbal Violence, the new podcast that we have here at Death Squad. So check out Verbal Violence if you haven't hit that yet. Also, go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all his other dates.

And don't forget ShopSquad.TV. We have a new T-shirt, new Death Squad T-shirt, up for pre-order right now. Also, we have four new hats. So check out the new hats, the new t-shirt up for pre-order right now. Also, we have four new hats. So check out the new hats, the new t-shirt. Go to shopsquad.tv. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hensquare. Oh, shit. Another Monday night. Are you guys ready for a crazy show or what? Live audience and streaming around the world. Welcome to another fun episode of Kill Tony. We are live on Ustream backslash Death Squad and live here at the Comedy Store.

Put your hands together for the chef, everybody. He's the chef. He's the delivery guy who does it all. He makes the dish and then brings it to you. So if anybody wants to order food, that's just for the live audience not for the you streamers. He's not going to come to where you are. Outfit provided by Sears.

I love that. New sponsor at Sears. Put your hands together for El Docho everybody. He comes in. He drops off food. Josh Martin comic putting it all together for us. Put your hands together for Ryan J.E. Belt, the house artist, sitting right over here

under the lights. Right now he has a blank piece of paper and as the episode goes on, he draws the episode. And while we're clapping needlessly over and over again, how about one more time for the great Pat Reagan? That's right. Band leader.

The band leader, Pat Reagan. Pat, how's it going? It's going good, Tony. How are you doing this evening? I'm doing great. Good to see you again, Pat. Good to see you, man. Brian Redband.

What is up, buddy? It's all happening. We lost one of our favorite Kill Tony guests this weekend, the great Rowdy Roddy Piper. The only, even though he's a paid regular here at the store, the only non-full-time comedian to ever be a guest on this

show was Rowdy Roddy Piper. And he was a guest twice. And he was also the head of security once, which is a position now filled by Pat Reagan as the band leader. Yeah, that's a bit of a 180. Yeah, it definitely is. 180 in terms of pound difference. Yeah, we's a bit of a 180. Yeah, it definitely is. 180 in terms of pound difference. Yeah, we went from security to insecurity real quick.

But I'm really excited. So, you know, Rowdy Roddy Piper was the man. So if you guys ever get a chance, go listen to some of those amazing episodes where he just spills brilliance. He was one of my best friends and one of the coolest guys and a regular here at the Comedy Store. Such an entertaining, I mean, movie star wrestler. And to be able to do all that and still be a paid regular at the comedy store is pretty crazy. Anyway, back to the show. I'm excited to be here.

September, what is it, 17th? We're in Arizona? Yeah. Phoenix, Arizona. Stand up live. Yeah, it's like a 600 seat venue. So go, if you live anywhere near Arizona, just

go to the show. We'd really appreciate it. Like, I don't know, Nevada, Colorado. Big shout outs to you guys. Make a drive for us to Phoenix. Anyway, let's do this. Guys, every week we have this show and I always have two of the funniest comedians in the world come on

and grace us with their presence and talk to other comedians that signed up for a chance to just perform in front of all of us. This week is the return of two of our favorite guests ever, two absolute monsters, two guests so good that I could have easily spread them out, had one on with a newer comedian guest and the other one on with a newer comedian guest and milked them for a total of

two episodes. But instead, I just booked it all at once to have a juggernaut of a Monday night. Put your hands together for the great Dom Irera and Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Wow! Dom Irera.

And Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah. Yeah. Here they are, everybody. Greg Fitzsimmons taking perhaps one of my favorite Kill Tony entrances of all time. The old bang on the door technique. Doesn't happen that much

on such a well-produced live show. But when it does, we prove to you that this is a live show. I think that that's going to be a recurring nightmare, but it's Letterman. Yeah. And you hear, well, Letterman's gone. Jesus. Now it's just Kill Tony.

That's the only thing left. That's it. You're like, let me in. I'm missing my... It's time for him to go, I think. Time for what? For Letterman? Nobody ever mentions it anymore.

Nobody gives a fuck. Isn't it true? Everybody cares about Joe Rogan's podcast, stuff like that. Seriously, nobody gives a fuck about Letterman. Does anybody miss him? This is amazing. It's so true.

What kind of a way is that to start a show with something negative? Hey, too bad about Letterman, huh? Miss him. Miss him already. That's what I was just talking about. Sometimes something funny will happen and I'll think, God, what would Letterman have said?

And then joked about not working. Right. And then thrown a pencil at the TV. And then you're out. Smooth system. If only Rowdy Roddy would have been alive for this. Normally I ask the guests a question, or normally instead of me

asking the guests a question like we do on every show I just entrust the band leader Pat Reagan to ask his own question, whatever he might want to know about a couple of his favorite comedians. So, in no particular order, Pat, fire off your questions this week. Alright, let's go with seniority first. Dom? Yes, darling.

What was your worst gig ever? Worst gig ever? I went to a gig in somewhere around the Route 10s somewhere with my girlfriend and it was all Indian women or Pakistani women with like dots in their head and I said to the guy, are you sure you saw

my HBO special? He goes, yeah just do your act. I said, I'll just clean it up. He goes, no, no, fucking do it. And I start doing it and this guy and I forgot that the cow was sacred to them. I said something about some fat fucking cow. And people

started, women were crying. And they weren't crying laughing. And one guy stands up like he's having a heart attack. You do not do this in front of my people. Right? And I go, oh, fuck.

So everything was going wrong. So all I did, everything got in slow motion like chariots of fire. Good reference, huh? Keep them hip. And I remember grabbing, it was $2,500. remember grabbing those $2,500.

I grabbed the $2,500 and just kept running. I never looked back. That's why I'm here today, my friend. Hell yeah. The only thing that could have made that story any sadder is if on your way up to the stage the door was locked and you had to bang on it to be able to get inside.

Pulling it all together. Pat, what's your question for Greg Fitzsimmons? All right. Hey, Greg. Hey. Hey. I asked this question last week, but I'm curious as to your answer. What would be your prison survival technique?

How would you survive in prison? Can I just interject for a second? For a question that you asked last week, it's amazing that you can't get it out. You're really struggling over there. Prison technique? Prison survival. Well, that's why you realize it wasn't a harmless question. This is rooted in some kind of fantasy.

Oh, yeah, definitely. And he's just logging more images for it. That's why they call me Lucky. Well, that's what it is. I think what you do is you push back. You act like you want it. Like with the ass? Yeah, you push your ass back.

Do a power bottom kind of thing? Yeah, when they... And it just freaks them out because they're used to a guy being scared and pulling away. Right. The fantasy lies in the fact that you're being raped. Right.

So if you take away the, oh, he's not enjoying this aspect, I could see why that would work. Yeah, and also, you know, do a lot of stretching so you can try to make eye contact with him while you're pushing back. And then just watch your dance card empty out.

Alright. Great questions, Pat Reagan. and then just watch your dance card empty out. Oh, man. All right. Great questions, Pat Reagan. Put your hands together for Pat one more time. Well, you guys have both been on this show before, two of our favorites. This is a show where over 40 comedians signed up for the chance, stacked deep in the back crevices and back hallways

and green rooms of this giant building. They signed up for the chance to perform 60 seconds of stage time on this stage in front of the greats. And comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

Aww. That means wrap it up then. Earl, she's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Jesus. You ever notice how Lainey and Jerry always plug their ears before the bear? I love it. Our resident couple, Lainey and Jerry, never miss an episode. If you would have told me that these two were going to outlive Rowdy Roddy Piper,

I would have said, no fucking way. That's a joke, guys. They're not laughing at that. They actually lived here when there were bears here. There's plenty of bears in West Hollywood, believe me. I wish the podcast listeners could see them. They just stand out. They're the most adorable little old couple.

I mean, come on. Is that an insult to call old people old? But you're just... All right, well, you finally got insulted all these years that you've been coming to the show. Those young seniors. I just attacked the only people that come to every single show, of course.

It's like I'm doing what Greg said it's like I'm pushing in order to all right for pushing you already use that yeah don't push push back back make sure we got contact guys back to the show comedians wrap it up then Brett don't bring out the bear just do your 60 seconds are you guys ready for Kill Tony yeah here we go the first comedian doing uninterrupted 60 seconds and then talking to us on this stage

goes by the name oh a regular here and the newest employee of the comedy store actually hired from being seen on this show put your hands together for Fang Chao, everybody. My Chinese name is Fang Chao. I got 700 points on my SAT test just for the name.

I grew up in a country called China. just for the name. I grew up in a country called China. Over there, people beat their kids all the time. When I was growing up, my mom beat me up five times, totally. That day was a really rough day for me. My Chinese grandma died last year. Before she died,

all she wanted to see is me getting married with a Chinese chick and make more Chinese babies. I said it to my grandma. I said, Grandma, I love you with all my heart. I will do anything to make you happy.

But you know I don't like the Chinese chicks. You are being one of them right now. Sorry to be the disappointment. No matter who I marry or what type of baby I make, you ain't gonna live long enough to see them. Wow, there you go. Special gong for you, Fang Chao. Very funny minute. I feel

like you get paid every time you say the word Chinese. It's happening to me. You have some kind of deal or something where you get like 50 bucks per Chinese because you just said Chinese literally about 11 times in 60 seconds. It seems like this people liked it. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. A challenge right to Tony.

Or a chow-lenge, if you will. From Fang Chao. He got you there. Give me another gong. It's weird because you have no discernible accent. Where are you from, really? I am originally from Beijing, China.

Are you serious? I'm too serious. I thought I heard a little Boston in there. Is that where you got that same haircut as every other Asian guy I've ever seen? It's the Chinatown, downtown LA. That's where I got it. Dang, I like your style.

You might be one of the only Asian guys I ever met that has arm tattoos all the way down to the wrist. You pretty much, like, are never going to be a businessman. No. Like, you totally went full artist. What did your Chinese... Believe it or not, over in China, they do teach us how to be a rock star.

So I'm one of them. Wow, I like that. Fuck yeah. I didn't get a clap for that shit, guys. I feel like the Horse of Truth coming out early. Whoa, one of the new favorites here at Kel Tony. The Horse of Truth has made its debut in the past

couple months. It's one of my favorites. So they arm tattoos. You're pretty committed to jobs that just start after 9 o'clock at night. What did your grandma say when she saw those tattoos? She died. Oh, that's it.

So you wrote the joke before getting the tattoos. No, she didn't. I really respect my grandparents. When I go over to their house, I always wear a long sleeve shirt to cover it up. Well, we have these lanterns here to make you feel at home. Oh my gosh, yep.

Just for you. Every time I get homesick, I come to kill Tony and guys. Even if I don't get picked I'll just sit back there And you know Feel great about myself About the lanterns It's a heartwarming story

Thanks Tom Thanks Well what's funny is I met you off stage Oh Pat Reagan I met you off stage And you had the exact same Aggressive Chinese persona

And I was like Is this dude mad at me? So welcome to the comedy store you had the exact same aggressive Chinese persona. And I was like, is this dude mad at me? So welcome to the Comedy Store. You're going to fit in great. Thanks. Thanks, Pat. Now, Fang, when did you move from China? 2009.

Wow. 2009. If you didn't get it, it's a Chinese food. A very special year. One of the only years that has an F in it. Does your tattoos mean anything in particular, or is it just a map to get home? Oh, my God. What a douchebag, Red Bam. Happy birthday. Oh, god. What a douchebag, Rep Am.

Happy birthday. Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Jesus. You just made... Dom almost hit his head on the ceiling somehow. You're blowing through the sound effects pretty quick. That's the infamous gunshot

That is notorious Did you jump, Greg? That scare you? Red Band's got all the subtlety of a $5 prostitute Speaking of $5 prostitute Fang, do you have any sisters? I have a couple cousins Come on, guys I have a couple cousins brought it down

brought it down come on guys come on guys he did a great job he did the worst of truth he did a great job his timing was excellent yeah

he's got jokes I see you doing two minutes someday I take that as a compliment thanks Dom thanks Fang now you just got hired here at the Comedy Store, a position working here once held by greats like David Letterman

and Jim Carrey and Tony Hinchcliffe. Question, have you noticed anything change since you started working here? In my life? No, in somebody else's life. I'm asking you about somebody else. I feel great. I feel like this is my dream job. This is where I want to be,

and I'm here, and I'll just do what I do. Be cool, right? I guess. I think you had him until that last... Okay. Yeah, well, okay. Who are you? I think you had them until that last... Okay. Yeah, well, okay. Who are you? What do you do?

I buy and sell Chinese women during the day so I can pay rent. At night, I can support my dream. That's funny because my dream is buying and selling Chinese women. I feel like I'm doing a better job right now, Greg.

Well, who do you think's buying them from you when you're selling them? White people, you know, America, guys. You know, I've never been with an Asian woman for free, but let me tell you something. Wait, but when you just said, let me tell you something, what were you going to tell us?

Just a trail off. Come on. He's supposed to be supporting me. By the way, I wrote some witty quips down for you to say later. It's so funny to follow up a comedian's joke with asking him, what's the next thing? Come on, is the next thing going to be funny too? Fang, you have any plans to go back to China?

Not this year. I saved up some money and I just want to go full force to do stand-up comedy here. Yeah. Fuck China. It's too dirty over there. I think that's the U.S. foreign policy right now. That is the problem there. It's really dirty over there. I think that's the U.S. foreign policy right now. That is the problem there. It's really dirty there.

The air pollution is really high. And my friends always call. They're like, do you have any ways to get us to the United States? I was like, fuck you guys. Fuck, yeah. Very sweet. But I hear that comedy is exploding in China. There's a huge stand-up scene.

Yeah, a lot of expats, like Americans, Australians, the people from UK. Actually, last year I went home, I did do stand-up comedy there. But I don't think the Australians or the British are funny. Back me up on this one. You're talking to a bunch of Americans. No, the Australians. I did a show in Melbourne once and my jokes all went down the toilet

but in the opposite direction that they normally run. Boom. Arang. Double Australian. Fang. One more question. What is your overall goal? You want to have Fang Chow, Okay. Fang, one more question. If you could do, like,

what is your overall goal? You want to have like Fang Chao, the sitcom on NBC? You want to host something? Call Fuck China. Or it could be called Rice Money. Okay. Or you could

call it Something Funny would be cool, too. I will work on that, Tom. I will work on that. Fang, what's your overall goal? Just to do stand-up in America? I want to, yes, yes. That's it? Just to do stand-up.

I want to get into a movie or TVs, but... What's your dream role in a movie? Be myself, the China man. I just feel like I should like... Okay. You've really thought this out. I love it. Well, ciao.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Enjoy the show, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, brothers. How long... I'm sorry, did I cut you off? No, I was speaking Chinese.

Shay Shay. Ni Hao. Chang Chang Chang. Chang Chang Chang. How long ago did you decide that you were going to say ciao to him at the end of his set? Right before.

Really? Yeah, right before. Oh, that was good. Yeah. I was going to say that. Now you guys are critiquing each other? What the hell's happened to this show? Bring somebody up.

Fang Chao's on Twitter at Fang Chao 8080. F-E-N-G-C-H-A-O. He's already on Twitter? Yeah. What fucking balls from having a minute? He's already 879 other Fang Chaos. 8,000. His Twitter is Feng Chao.

Feng Chao. Wow. 80-80. That's a big country. You know, the Winter Olympics is going to be in Beijing. It is? And they have no snow. Anybody see that?

This is not a bit. Once in a while we talk like human beings. But did you ever notice? What sport of the... They're having the Olympics there? They're having the Olympics there, and they have no snow. They have to make snow. Well, they did that in Russia, and it was a disaster.

You'd think they'd learn. No. The winter Olympics? Chernobyl, right? The winter Olympics. That'll be interesting, watching all the skiers go downhill and looking like the people in the audience.

You know? I lost everybody. Just trying to describe the fact that your eyes are out. There you go. Just give me pure feedback. Brian, you're doing a good job with the sound tonight. It's Brian Redband on the ones and twos. Guys, I pulled another name out of the bucket,

and it looks like a new name, so I'm excited to see what happens here. Amory Lee. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm a mother. I was a mother for six weeks. He didn't pull out. My mom is watching my daughter right now at home.

In her little jar. I mean, I take care of her sometimes. I take her to Chuck E. Cheese. I take her to the park. I open up the jar so she could float faster. Because of the wind. So, just moved to California a month ago.

And thank you. Fuck yeah. Anne-Marie Lee with 60 seconds. You want to keep going? You want to finish that? And thank you. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Amory Lee with 60 seconds. You want to keep going? You want to finish that? You good? Okay.

So just to get this straight. Okay, Pat. Pat Reagan, everybody. Wow. Holy moly. Go on, Pat. You have a live baby in a jar of water? No, she's saying she got an abortion

She put it in a jar even though that's something that no one ever does And then furthermore Her mom watches the jar With the baby floating inside It's very believable She does things with the jar It's embryonic fluid It's like a fluid

Can we get a replay of that for Pat Reagan? A replay of the 60 seconds. So let me get this straight. Okay. Amory Lee. I like your style. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years and a half.

Are you serious? Three years and a half? Holy shit. Three years and a half. Why am I the only person that found that funny when it first happened? It's a weird audience. I've been going for six years and a quarter a month. Anne-Marie, where are you from?

I'm from Miami. How long have you been in L.A.? It's been a month. Wow. And are you Chinese? I'm Cuban-Japanese. Cuban-Japanese. Oh, World War II served you well, huh?

Horse of truth. You brought out the horse of truth, Greg. You bring a lot of joy. You really do. It's... As soon as you stepped on that stage, people felt good about themselves. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, I liked how you did the deadpan thing because the audience even picked up on it and then they started doing the deadpan thing. It's contagious. I try to give a fuck as much as possible. You really did. And I got to give you credit for that, for sure.

I mean, like, you know, it's not easy to stay locked in when not much is happening. Like, I was waiting for you to break at some point because I feel like that's an easier thing to do than to actually still stay deadpan, whether it's working or not working. Three and a half years, right? Is that what that translates to? Three and a half years. And you've been here a month.

What types of places were you performing in Miami? In Miami, I did the improv. The one that closed down? They closed that, right? The one in the Grove, they closed down, but I did the one in West Palm Beach. How many spots would you say a month you were doing in the three and a half years?

I went up at least five to six times a week, open mics, bars, and then I opened up my own room for a year, and I had really good headlinersers I had Esther Kuh I had a bunch of people it's okay Emery everything's okay

what were you like when you were bad? what? what were you like when you were rusty and bad? I was happy I like that you didn't abort any of your jokes I was happy the rest of your jokes. I was happy. Is the rest of your material in the same kind of ballpark?

Are you very dark and graphic? Or is that just something new that you're trying? I'm trying something new. Usually when I would go on stage, I'd be like, hey guys, how's it going? I like that. That's a whole different person. No, that's not me.

Because at the end of the day, there's a lot of things. I feel good doing this. And this is the first time I've ever done it. And regardless of what just happened and what you guys just saw, this is it right here. That's good. I love that. At the end of the baby killing day. No, look, you know, a lot of, like, Stephen Wright went up like that for a lot of years

and did not get laughs he was told by guys like Don Gavin and Sweeney they told him to quit and then obviously he's a good actor I would have a two jar maximum though in a minute

three jars in a minute. Three jars in a minute. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You said jar almost as much as Fang Chao said Chinese. Okay. I think when it's that redundant, you've got to make it a shock.

If you want to be shocked, you have to have something. The funniest thing to me was a segue about, I just moved out here. You were talking about the darkest fucking dead fetus. And then, yeah, so I'm originally from Miami. The connection was so far it made me laugh. What are some of your other bits about specifically? If you had a set list, what would the title of some of your jokes look like? Construction Worker.

What's that one? That one's basically just the things that construction workers say to me when I'm going to my car. That's another bubbly one that I just kind of just didn't really. Hey, lady, you dropped your jar. Wow, he just turned that all into one amazing bit with that. The thing that's, I guess, what we're so shocked about, like when you said three and a half years,

because it's very common knowledge, like people who start off, there's so many abortion jokes. Like if you go through the mics, everyone has an abortion joke. Everyone tries it for a couple months. Everyone gives up on it a couple months, usually. But, like, the whole twist in your story where we find out that it was an abortion in a jar, that's been done so many times. So it's all to us.

Brian, if a woman wants to do an abortion joke, it's her right to choose. Yeah. Yeah. So why don't you do what she did with her jar and put a lid on it, all right? And let your mom watch it in an imaginary land. Take it to Chuck E. Cheese.

I mean, because there's so many things that are working against you. Not only is there probably half these girls in here have had abortions, there's probably a couple of them that had abortions today in this audience even so immediately when you bring up abortion you're meeting bringing up bad feelings for a lot of people so it's really hard to get through that

make it funny enough to to support to work so that's what a lot of people early on learn is like hey man it's not worth it unless you have that one thing that's like holy shit you took an abortion joke to the next level yeah that wasn't to the next level that was wasn't to the next level. That was really uncomfortable to watch. I couldn't even stare at you because I was just like, Jesus Christ, I can't watch this. That's the negative reaction

you want from an audience. Sounds like somebody just bankrolled an abortion recently. Exactly. Seriously. Jesus Christ. Someone forgot to pull out. Someone forgot to pull out. It's all good. There you go. That's like your get her done or something.

T-shirt. Somebody forgot to pull out. Yeah, you know, I mean, if you're going to, I think what Brian was trying to say was, you know, if you're going to cover abortion, you got to hit it hard. You know what I mean? Because the topic itself is very jarring. And, you know, you're going to shake. You know, you get people like shaken up. And then all of a sudden they're like, you know, they want to laugh.

You know, they're waiting for something. You just got to fucking, you know. Yeah, because you got them on the hook. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, you know they're waiting for something you just gotta fucking you know yeah cause you got them on the hook oh I'm sorry yeah yeah you know they're waiting for something like a joke they'd be waiting for that anyway

Anne-Marie so fun you've been here a month how's living in LA going for you it's fabulous and I got some great advice from some amazing comics that I've looked up to. Stop it, you. Thank you so much

for saying that. I really appreciate it. Really appreciate it. Good times. Good times, people. Anne-Marie. Glad to be here. All right.

Anne-Marie, thanks for coming on. A month in. That's exactly... See, that's exactly what... Anne-Marie. Anne-Marie. The way you ended then,

I wish you would show a little of that besides the cold stare because that was so charming and disarming. There has to be another part of you. I think that would make the abortion stuff funnier. Do you know what I mean? If there was a juxtaposition to something, when you just come out and be mean,

that's what got us a little uncomfortable. Yeah, you need the softer side of Sears. If you can get a guy... But Amory, come back soon. Don't let it be another three years and a half. Amory. I love that. You're right.

She took full control. Amory Lee Comedy is her Twitter handle. So you can find her on control. Amory Lee Comedy is her Twitter handle. So you can find her on Twitter. Amory Lee. I pulled another name out of the bucket, guys. And that name is Dan Nolan. What's up, guys? Hey, I just celebrated five months clean and sober, you guys.

Five months clean and sober. Thank you. I go to meetings every day. I just got my first sponsor. It's MailChimp. Sobriety sponsored by MailChimp. Email marketing solutions for your website or small business. Go to MailChimp.com.

Enter the promo code Marin. I used to have to shoplift for money to buy heroin. I used to steal Rosetta Stone language software from Target. It's pretty easy. All you have to do is when you're walking out and the alarm goes off, just be a white guy with glasses. That's it. So I used to sell it on eBay for half of what it costs,

and then it turns out Rosetta Stone actually has these goons that go out and they make sure nobody's doing that so they shut down my eBay account I had to start selling it on Craigslist I swear to God this is true I literally had to start meeting dudes in sketchy parking lots to sell them Rosetta Stone language they'd be like you said it was going to be Italian

I'm like it's Portuguese motherfucker you take what I give you fuck yeah Dan Nolan. 57 seconds of thunder. Now, Dan, you were on last week. Just a week ago, yeah. You are still as creepy looking as you were last week. Really creepy.

Shocking. Your jokes, again, is a new minute. And again, you were really funny. But you are as creepy looking as it gets. Really creepy. How many crimes have you gotten away with? Oh my god it's so weird when you're a white guy that just looks like me you can get away with so much

shit. That's so true. White privilege is just a real thing because I used the shit out of it so don't ever let anyone tell you it's not true. You could all be stealing Rosetta Stone language software. Wow. It's a real human being. You seem like a really, like a gross Harry Potter.

Yeah. And by that shirt you're wearing, I'm guessing you've been here about a month. You're from Miami. This was actually, I had a second interview today, so this is my other nice shirt. Wow, that's your nice shirt? Oh, my God. I mean, your collar is bent up on itself. Do you know what shirts are supposed to look like?

Was that once a better shirt? It was. It was nice. That collar has fallen harder than the Greek currency sorry I didn't mean to get political it is a really bad collar for you podcast listeners

just imagine it looks like some kind of fruit roll up or something long time listener first time collar it's a collar joke come on actually I did have that one locked and loaded Long time listener, first time caller. It's a caller joke. Come on. You think I have... Actually, I did have that one locked and loaded.

But really, I mean, what's your living situation where your shirt gets that wrinkled? Like, you can always really tell, like... Yeah, we talked about this last week. I live in a sober living house, so I don't have a closet or anything. It's like a bin that I have to stuff all my clothes into. That makes it much sadder than I was hoping.

I'm moving out soon. I think I just got a job today. You think you got a job? Wow. Look at that. Where is this possible job at? Hopefully LensCrafters because your frames are...

I know. Do you put those on the sober house as solar panels when you go there? These are actually jail issued. For real? What? They're fucking huge. Those are the biggest glasses I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, jail issued. But I kind of like the way they look.

So I kept them. Wow. You need glasses. It's like John Tesh, 1982. Is that where you got your glasses? From jail? Yeah, these are really Joe glasses. Did you push backwards?

Yeah. No, and I don't want to insult your glasses. I don't want to insult you, but it's really good that you have such a huge nose. Otherwise, you'd never be able to hold those up. I mean, your nose is fucking huge. I got kicked in the face once when I was like 15. I used to have a beautiful, perfect nose,

and then my friend kicked me in the face. Your friend kicked you in the face? Yeah, my best friend. Your best friend? Yeah. What did you do to deserve that? Oh, I was a drunken mess. I was an alcoholic for a long time.

And then I started doing heroin. And so that cured my alcoholism. Yeah. Well, I'm getting interested. What's it feel like? Is it great? Oh, it's terrific. It's so good.

But I used to have a really great career in television. I was marginally successful and stuff and then I just fucking ate away my entire soul and ruined my life you were marginally

successful on TV yeah well I was I was an editor for a while and then I started working in locations on some like real shows and shit

and I was a location manager for some movies stuff like that you got location manager you started living that rock star lifestyle everybody knows that story movies, stuff like that. You got location manager. You started living that rock star lifestyle. Everybody knows that story.

One second to the location manager. Next thing you're just tying one off. Just the cold needle going right into the vein. You feel that first spurt and your eyes just roll back. And people are like, where the fuck's Tom? He's supposed to be managing the location.

Did you shoot it? Yeah, for the last four or five months. Wow, you shot it. How fucking cool. That is really cool. I always wanted to do that, but I don't like getting sick to myself. I mean, obviously it's terrific, but it's also just terrible. No, it's not terrible don't look

at it like that I'm richer for the experience certainly and no tattoos how'd you become a junkie and not get tattoos yeah Fang Chow's never tried heroin and he has your tattoos I'm sorry I cut you off no I just said I was afraid of getting

hep C which is a joke because I use needles alright hey don't dismiss that that's actually a good joke for your No, I just said I was afraid of getting Hep C, which is a joke because I use needles. All right. Oh, fuck yeah. Hey, don't dismiss that. That's actually a good joke for your act, for your routine. I'm a pretty funny guy.

That's kind of what I'm going for. Wow, look at that. I love you guys. I'm such huge fans of you guys, both of you. That's so great. I've won three Emmy Awards. I was number 79 in the top 100 comedians of all time. But anyway, let's get back to this.

Wow, you're marginal. I got nominated for an Emmy last year for documentary research. That's great. Really? I won four daytime Emmys. For what? For writing and producing on Ellen Really? So you didn't have to ask that

I looked up prostitutes in Denver For a guy who won an Emmy My boss, internship Fuck yeah Pat Reagan sometimes shoots from three point range and uh you know it's always it's always the best you worked with ellen for four years for no i was a writer and a producer so we uh i won i was there for two years but the show won best show and the writers won best writing for the first two years so I got four and was fired.

Being next to Dan puts you, this is the first time since then you've been this close to Ellen's haircut. If you look at his hair, then it's funny, you idiots. I can hear the people on you stream laughing. Hi, Kai. Kai Aarons, everybody, one of the best artists in the world

is sitting in the back of the room. Quick shout-out, Kai Aarons, kiaarons.com. Why were you fired from Ellen? Yeah, what happened? One of the best artists in the world is sitting in the back of the room. Quick shout out. Kai Aarons, kiaarons.com. Why were you fired from Ellen? Yeah, what happened? Too much sexual tension? I was unhappy, and I think I might have forced her hand by not going to the meetings and playing ping pong about six to seven hours a day. I could do it. Ellen's lifestyle, I'm guessing she gets her hand forced quite a bit.

You know what I'm saying? Because there's no dicks in lesbianism, so they use their hands to please each other a lot. It's a lesbian thing. Anyway. It's a lesbian thing. It's a lesbian thing. Dan.

I thought you were almost too polished at times. Like, I didn't... Your cadence was... I wasn't catching up to it. How many times have you done that bit about the rosetta stone i've been doing it about two weeks oh that's oh wow yeah now i've only been doing stand-up like for close to four months oh man just been doing four months and i'm fucking great anyway i'm uh you know i'm just fucking awesome geez you said me yeah that's

impressive you're really good you're very very funny. And it seems like sometimes with comedians, they haven't had enough pain to justify them being on stage yet. You fucking shot heroin for years. What was he up to do? That's what I'm saying. I'm saying, like, he earned his spot on a stage. Sometimes you get kids that, like, you know, their parents paid for college,

and then they started working at the UCB theater. And they're just propped up little fucking vanilla nothings. But you've sucked a dick for drugs. No, no, I never had to suck a dick. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. And Greg knows because it was his dick that you sucked for the drugs that he was also selling at the time.

That's it. Holy shit. Dan, how long did you spend in prison? because it was his dick that you sucked for the drugs that he was also selling at the time. Holy shit. Dan, how long did you spend in prison? I was in jail for six months. Just regular jail, not actual prison. White guy jail. Where was that at? Orange County Jail in New York.

Orange County Jail. That sounds like a pussy jail. It was. Orange County is the new black. Man, the waves are only three feet today. No, Orange County, New York. Orange County, New York. Oh, Orange County, New York?

Yeah. Oh, that's fucking terrible. Yeah. That's a totally different place. Upstate New York, just pure dog shit. Yeah. So you were doing upstate New York heroin then? Yeah, yeah.

It's all powder out there. Here it's like half tar, half powder. It used to be all powder. For all you heroin fans. He says it like everybody knows. Oh, the powder. Oh, the fucking bullshit powder

of upstate New York. Who likes shooting that in their veins with a fucking dirty needle? Oh, Dan, I like your style though, man.

You have so much swagger. You've really only been doing this four months. Yeah, but I go up like three, four, sometimes five times a day. Like, I like your style, though, man. You have so much swagger. You've really only been doing this four months. Yeah, but I go up like three, four, sometimes five times a day. I've been doing the shit out of this for the last three and a half, four months. Such an addict. Yeah. Right.

And you know, you can also suck a dick to get stage time. Well, you really like him. Just saying, I book a room on Tuesday nights. well you really like him just saying I book a room on Tuesday nights Dan so much fun it's great seeing you again Dan Nolan everybody fuck yeah

he doesn't look like that that's what makes it so amazing he's so white he's like gee Johnny do you want to do some heroin today cool He doesn't look like that. That's what makes it so amazing. Yeah, it's interesting. He doesn't look like that. He's so white. It's like, gee, Johnny, do you want to do some heroin today? Cool. Dan Nolan's on Twitter at DanNolan22. So hit him up on Twitter.

Yeah, I'm sure I'm going to hit him up on Twitter. He's also going to be at the UCB Theater next week. This looks like another new name. Interesting. Put your hands together for Stephen Fury. Stephen Fury. What's up, man? How you doing? Good. Cool. Did I just go? Cool. All right, man. This is cool being here. You are me, you are me that to me when I die, because I think it would be a gross misrepresentation of who I am as a man. They'd be like,

we found this body here, and as you can tell from this diet of gummy bears, hot Cheetos, and Little Caesars pizzas, this, my friends, is a homeless eight-year-old boy. Probably left in a river, given his disgusting bloated appearance. This is disgusting. Just move, man.

Just move next to a Mexican supermarket. Y'all ever been to a Mexican supermarket? I like Mexican supermarkets because it's just like a Safeway if it had no rules at all. Like just complete anarchy. There's no expiration dates on anything at all. Went over to a piece of meat, picked it up. The date just said manana. That's always tomorrow, man.

Holy shit. Stephen Fury. Unbelievable. I love that. Wow. You're like a real fucking rock star, man. Thanks, bro. This doesn't happen that often.

Thank you. And for the podcast listeners, you don't even Thanks, bro. This doesn't happen that often. And for the podcast listeners, you don't even appreciate, he's doing his act in whiteface. Most of the time. It's normally blackface, but tonight... Gotta spice it up, man. Oh my fucking God. Steven Fury, where the fuck are you from?

San Francisco, Sacramento area, man. Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three and a half years. Three and a half years. I'm still doing halves right now. I'll give you the days if you need. I met somebody, except they've been doing it three years and a half.

Big difference in the two sets. Doing it the same amount of time. Steven, you must be going up a lot, right? Is this like a natural thing? Are you like the last guy, the heroin guy, where it's like, I've only been on stage four times in three and a half years. And I'm just fucking awesome. Just doing the shit upstate, up in

NorCal, just hitting all the clubs, punchlines and shit like that. I love that. I love your body lines, your position, because you acted like you're a big, fat guy. I lost a little weight. You leaned back like you were going to say, I was in Kentucky. Just eight, you know, man, just feeling it through. You're acting fatter than you are. It just made me laugh.

Did you used to be fatter at some point? Yeah, I would say about 25 times. Still living that fat life. How long have you been in L.A.? About four days. Wow. Did you just move from up there or are you just visiting? I'm just visiting.

Came to check it out. Why don't you do stand-up in L.A. instead of up north? You have a family? I get paid a lot more up north. Oh, shit. How much are you making? About a couple hundred bucks a month, Greg. Hey, there you go.

Living that pimp life, playboy. You know what go. Wow. That's not Pibb Live, Playboy. You know what I'm saying? It's amazing what an honest dancer does. What's the most you ever made in one gig? 800. 800? That's not bad. I had my own show.

I had to produce that shit. Yeah. Off night. You had to pick the people up to drive them to the show? Yeah, most of the time. That's cool. It was an Uber, though. Yeah, when you walked on stage, you were so aggressive, I thought

he was coming at us. I was like, holy shit. I loved it. I knew you were going to be good from the second he looked at me and he said, you want me to go now? I was smiling the entire time for the rest of it. If you want me to go now, fuckface. Right. When you want me to stop murdering your little fucking show.

Are you going to be in town Friday? I'd like to have you at the Ice House show if you can make it on Friday. Wow, look at that. That was awesome. Look at that. Steven Fury. So Steven, what do you do for work? How do you make a living?

I work for an NPO for a non-profit for poor ass kids after school programs. Poor-ass kids. I get the feeling you don't talk like that at that job. You can talk. They don't have parents. They can't tell no one. Wow. Holy shit.

Steven Thierry is here to be a star, everybody. He's like trying to break out right now. Is Johnny Carson in the back of the room like the good old days? Can somebody make him a star? You really should spend more time in LA because I think you can make it pretty fast, man. If your regular set is any indication of just

that minute, Jesus Christ. Do you have kids up north? No, thank God. You didn't make any kids? No, fuck no. Then you really have to figure out a way to call the kids that don't have parents or something and, you know. Skype them. Be in position for good things to happen.

I can leave them. Everyone else left them. You know what I mean? We'll be the first one. They're used to it. There you go. There you go. All right, cool.

That was the loudest laugh I've ever heard one of these guys get. Yeah. About the Safeco thing. Yeah. No, definitely. Great. About the Safeco thing. Yeah. No, definitely. Great. Cool, man. Hey, what are you doing on Thursday night?

I'm actually doing, I just remembered I'm opening for Pablo this weekend at Sack Punchline. But I'll be back. I was going to say, I need somebody to watch my kids. I'm good with deadbeat dads and shit like that. It wouldn't be the first time. I am. I'm a deadbeat dad every weekend. See you. See you, ass't be the first time. I am. I'm a deadbeat dad every weekend. See you.

See you, assholes. Going to Sacramento. Steven, what are your big goals? Do you want to act and stuff or just stand up? I want to stand up. Wow. Or clubs. How much time do you think that you have?

I feature a lot of clubs for like 25, 30. That's so cool. It's amazing how good you are for only doing it in such a short period of time and doing it in Northern California. Yeah.

So, I mean, anything else, guys? Best of luck to you, Steven. Cool, man. Good luck. You know, what's crazy about this show,

what's interesting about the anatomy of Kill Tony is that the least funny that it ever gets is when somebody kills. You know? Right. Like when somebody murders it's just like, alright dude, well go keep working. Get out of here.

You're wasting your time with us. Right. Yeah. It figures the funniest guy on the show is the one person that doesn't say to me and Dom that they look up to us. Incredible. person that doesn't say to me and Dom that they look up to us. Incredible observation. You know, okay, and here's another thing since I just pulled

this name out of the bucket. Normally, when I read a name like Stephen Fury, who is the only Stephen Fury on Twitter, by the way. That's that last comedian. We all loved Stephen Fury. But when you see a name like that, what I've learned from so much of hosting the open mics here at the Comedy Store and this show in

particular is that when there's a goofy name, it's almost always not like that. You know, Stephen Fury is almost the exception. When you hear Fury, you're like, oh, this is going to be some crazy character. But when I pull this name and I just read it, I have a feeling that this has got to be weird. So put your hands together for Al

Ali the Greatness. Of course. Oh, please be a real human. Please. Al Ali the Greatness. He's a disappearing greatness right now. He's asleep.

Wake him up, you fucking idiots. Wake him up. I'm the only one in my life Just like it's a secret to me It's great to be back here. I was on a crack hiatus. Now I'm back. It feels great to be here. You know the crack over there? What is it?

It's crack. I? That's it. That's crack. I have flashbacks sometimes. I know y'all probably think it's dreadlocks, but it started out as a jerry curl. And I sold my curl like a baby, and it gets more crack. And this is what happened. And doing the crack,

I'm here to tell y'all, it ain't what it's cracked up to be. I was kind of asleep back there. I had this on before. I know I should have stayed in school. I didn't read the... All right. You could...

Okay, okay, okay. Brian, relax. I don't think your real name is Al. Al, how's it going, buddy? Talk to the mic. Talk in the mic to us. You have the cord wrapped around your stuff that you carry around with you.

It's going pretty good. I feel great to be all crack and have a mic in my hand. Is that a bra? Yeah. You have a bra, a hat, a shirt, and a sign that says... What does that sign say? Rockstar. Rockstar.

Fuck yeah. You know what I like about you, Al, Ali, the greatness, other than everything, is that you just say crack and it's funny. Right. It's your Chinese. Chinese crack. On a serious note, Al, be careful going home. There's your Chinese. Chinese crack.

On a serious note, Al, be careful going home. There's a lot of crazy street people. Horse of truth. The horse of truth is out. Al, you know, normally a comedian comes up and I see that they're wearing a tie and I think, oh, here we go again. Another one of these comedians

that wears a tie. Some more hacky bullshit. And it was not hacky at all. No, the whole outfit looks like did you fight your way out of a Salvation Army bin? Al, what's your story? How long have you been doing crack?

I figure we start with the crack, you know. I was doing it a while ago and I got depressed. And I got a brother that's real rich and he ain't talking to me right now. Snoop Dogg? Your brother's real rich? Snoop Dogg? Your brother's real rich? I mean, your last name is The Greatness. I can't imagine what your brother must be like. Stevie Wonder?

Verbally adopted. Fuck yeah. He ain't talking to me right now because I've been messing up. I'm trying to get back to his life, you know. Right. Did you say Stevie Wonder? Yeah, Stevie Wonder is his brother. Something like that.

Wow. Something like that. Al, Al, we love you. Steven, Steven Seagal. How long you been doing... Man, I gotta tell you, man. Al, how long you been doing stand-up? I came here a long time ago. I showcased in this room right here for Missy a long time ago.

Really? Stevie Wonder is blind if he can't see your talent. Oh, somebody just shot the fucking horse of truth. Oh, I like the horse at you. Don't let Pat ruin that for us. God damn it, Pat. Did you hear that? It's incredible.

Al, so I'm guessing you haven't done stand-up between now and the time that you were here in the 80s after showcasing for Mitzi, right? You just said doing crack again. You're just sneaking it right in there. It's true. And he was smoking crack

at one point. Well, you know, it seems like now I guess you're doing better. You're comfortable in your own shoes, even though they're actually two different shoes. One's a Converse and one is a Nike. Yeah, you do. You have two different ones. Two different styles.

This may seem like a stupid question, but where do you work? You recycle? So you're an environmentalist. He works for a non-profit organization. An NPO. I love that. I love that. I love that. Al, where's your hood?

Where are you going to hang the rock star sign up at? Oh, a veteran. Fuck yeah. An American hero, ladies and gentlemen. How about that? Al Ali, the greatness. I didn't see your brother Stevie Wonder fighting for the military.

That's right. He can't? I know, I know. I've been making Stevie Wonder jokes for like two decades now. Anyway. I feel like it's, is it Kill Tony or is it non-celebrity rehab here tonight? There is a lot. There is a lot. There is a lot.

You know, we've had a heroin addict. We have Al Ali, the greatness, living his pipe dreams up here. A fetus in a jar. What a sick fucking night. Fuck yeah. Well, that's one of the uplifting things. What happened to the wholesome days of doing a line and fucking a waitress, you know?

It's going to be a great after party after this one. Al, I fucking love you. What's your biggest fear? Steve not talking to you. Steve not talking to you. Well, you know what? Why don't we try to...

Oh, you're not on Twitter. You know what? I was going to try to... Oh, you're not on Twitter. You know what? I was going to try to connect you two, but fuck yeah. So Stevie Wonder, if you're listening... No, no, don't put your number out. Stevie, if you're listening, your brother is in

North Hills. Just ask for Al Alley, the greatness, as if Al Alley wouldn't be enough to find him. I'm pretty sure you're the only the greatness in the North Hills. I had so much fun with you, Al Alley. Thanks for coming down. 60 seconds.

Fuck yeah. Thanks, Josh. He took a huge shit and didn't wash his hands earlier Thanks Josh For everybody who's wondering who this bomb artist is It's Josh Martin everybody The run around producer I don't want to be mean to Al

I really like Al Alley The greatness And I hope he makes the decision I don't even think you're making it clean, Josh. Yeah. Now Josh's hands are all fucked. I liked Al Alley the Greatness

and I hope he makes the decision to bum crack real soon. I mean come back real soon. Bum crack, I thought it would be. I had to switch the words around in the beginning and it didn't work, guys. Just when I was going to take on the name The Greatness.

I don't know if I heard him correctly, but what I heard was, you see a woman, she's going to be on crack. Did you understand him? I did. I felt bad because I liked him. He's so lovable and dirty. If you can't understand him, I think Dan Nolan

has some Rosetta Stone homeless edition. Homeless edition. That was a cool one. Well, you know, he left the crack behind, but he held on to the wardrobe, I guess. Well, I'm pretty sure he left the crack behind

because he smoked it about three hours ago. I don't think he was either clean nor sober. All right, you idiots. You fucking know what's funny. It's like they made a buzzer noise. That's the horn. Where's that horn at? Guys, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Chase Johnson. Hello. Alright. How's it going, guys? Well, me and my friends really love going to get Asian massages. This is for Feng, by the way. Me and my friends love to go get Asian massages. I'm sorry, but I don't really have any friends. But if you've never had one before, it's your basic one-hour massage with a little something extra at the end by a very sometimes pretty lady. Anyways, I can get into a lot of trouble because they're about $100, including tip, and they're very addictive. The way I keep myself out of trouble is I just jerk off a lot.

I actually, the reason why I do is because I feel like I'm saving $100 every time I do. So actually earlier today I saved $800. So I'm pretty stoked about that. I actually don't talk to girls very well. I don't really get with girls very often. You can finish it. Keep going. It's been actually two years since I've had sex. But I wonder why because

in such a world where women want equality, I feel like I'm the male equivalent of a female and that they would be really down for that. But they're not. Alright. There he is. Fuck yeah. Alright, there he is. Fuck yeah.

Chase Johnson. Thank you. I think Brian's having a stroke, everybody. Chase, how long have you been on stand-up? This is my first time. Wow! Thank God.

Oh, thank you, Jesus. Yes, thank you. I couldn't tell. Had you told me you've been doing it three and a half years, I would have been shocked. I know, I know. Chase, this is really interesting that Jared Leto would come in disguise and try stand-up comedy.

Dressed as Tig Notaro. Love you, Tig. Your joke is really good. I mean, the um, uh, uh thing, you have to listen to yourself, practice, get used to it, because that just killed it for everyone listening, because everyone's hearing your uhs, but the joke itself is funny, man. It's masturbating and feeling like you're saving money every time.

You can say something like it's like having a coupon or something that you're just constantly, you're making money almost, how much you're masturbating. I think you struck a chord with Brian. No, I just... Thank you. I recognize you from Rub Maps. Yes, I just. Thank you. I recognize you from rub maps. Orange County.

Everybody check it out. Do you go get Chinese massages? I will not confirm or deny anything. Come on. You're a comic. You got to be honest.

Have you? I have. And so walk me through that because I haven't been. Is there somebody said that there's like signals, like you leave your keys on the table,

and that means that you want to... No, I think it's... You put your Fang Chao comedy album at the end of the bed. One hour special. What did he say earlier that I... What's the fucking word? Oh, yeah. So how does it work? What do you do?

You just go and you talk to what they call the mama-san and you pay the price up front and then you go and... God, you've done this a lot. Everybody at the front of all those has the same name? No, it's a lonely life.

Do you do covered blowjobs? No, no, no. Jesus, alright. You just do the hand job? Jesus, all right. Whoa, whoa, the specialist over here. Wait. The prosecutor of... I mean, you said you spent $100. That should only be $90.

Well, it's $60 for an hour. Oh, you're doing the hour. So you actually want the massage. Yeah, I like the massage. Yeah. Wow. I like the massage a lot. It's confirmed.

Garden from Wayne's confirmed. I think we're going to call for another microphone wipe down at the end of this. You did say that you masturbated eight times today. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the heroin addict. Put the needle down. Listen to the people trying to make a noise you guys are not

digesting brilliance correctly that's not why we laugh motherfuckers I don't want to be mean but maybe if you stop jerking off you'd have better material you're probably right and I don't want to give you hair care advice because I know you're going for the lazy mullet

But what are you thinking? What are you going for? I actually, well, to be honest I just got out of a job out east I drove across the country to come home And I've just kind of been letting it go Just let it go Out east

I've been unhappy for a while I let mine go also Chase What's your living situation? I've really kind of been unhappy for a while. I let mine go also. I like it. Chase, what's your living situation? How long have you lived in L.A.? Well, I'm from Orange County originally, but I moved back. I drove back like a month ago from New York. I'm just living with my family for a little bit

until I figure it out. You're jerking off in your family's house? Oh, yeah. In my grandma's house. Oh, it's even better. Grandma, was that you? What are you doing? You're jerking off in your family's house? In my grandma's house. Grandma, was that you? What are you doing? You're jerking off everywhere. Chase, you look like the kind of guy

that would jerk off just walking down a sidewalk. You know what I mean? Shoot a load on Al Alley, the greatness, and just keep walking. Who's the rock star now, bitch? who's the rock star now bitch oh fuck yeah i love that um what restaurant did you get that t-shirt from uh not a restaurant actually in mazatlan uh the pacifico brewery were you there? Well, my family, I never went. My family brought it back.

Wow. Just being honest. You sound like, I'm sorry. No, go on. No. I don't want to lose either one of them. But so your family would go on family vacations without you? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they hate me. No, they don't hate me. I was always working, and I went to college. You weren't always working. Yeah, I was. I had gone to college and worked and now it's the one month I haven't been working since college. This is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Beginning with your set, which was just sad. I don't know. Don't give up yet, Greg. This might have a happy ending. Okay. We might pull through after all. That's why the show is called Kill Tony, because Tony kills.

Thanks, Dom. Let's keep talking to this 11-year-old lesbian. You're back in L.A. How long have you been doing stand-up again? First time on stage. Chase, you're going to be amazing. This is incredible. Just keep on going up. Your first time ever on stage doing anything?

Yeah, no, I did a little improv in college, but that was it. Right, right. I could tell by the amount of punchlines you got out in 60 seconds that you have a strong improv training. Is that where you lost your chin? Whoa! Brian, are you making lack of chin jokes? There's no way we can judge you

Your biggest problem was the Us and the Ms thing If you could do that whole set Maybe with a couple tags The second time is going to be better Just keep on doing it Don't give up Especially on life

You look like both the school shooter And the victim It's incredible I don't know how you can pull off both At the same time You look like both the school shooter and the victim. It's incredible. I don't know how you can pull off both at the same time. It's very impressive. It might be the first time I've ever seen that done. Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much. Chase Johnson, everybody. There you go. Fist bumps. Smells like hand lotion. So we've had a heroin addict, crack addict and a masturbation addict Yeah definitely We just touched his hands But don't forget about

The baby in a jar Don't forget there was an uplifting part Some of that good maternal energy That hit the show earlier Guys this is the part of the show Where our two regulars, we have two regulars that have been performing

and writing a brand new minute every single week since the show started. It's actually sort of crazy because we've been doing the show over two years now. Wow. And these two people

write and perform a new minute every single week. Going up first this week, you know her as the Florida Dropout, everybody. She started, her very first time was here on Kill Tony.

And she's been with us every episode since put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon everyone applause applause applause applause thanks so much the weirdest thing just happened to me

downstairs this guy a guy I know I'm good friends with who very openly has a girlfriend just hit on me, he asked me out and I'm like dude I know you have a girlfriend and it's like it's so weird because I'm like ew that's so disgusting, you're not even rich

you're not even rich. You're not even the right guy to cheat on his girlfriend. I recently went to Vegas because I like to gamble. And by that I mean have sex without condoms. And I met a guy there who also likes to gamble. We both like playing blackjack, so we've started dating, and that's what we do a lot together, which is really good for our relationship

because now I always know when he's lying. I'll be like, were you texting that girl last night? And he goes... Fuck yeah. First time I've seen a first time I've seen a prof. I know I was really nervous about it.

You know it's been a new minute. We're really stretching her thin. A new minute every single week. Now it's come down to props. Gotta keep those... Gotta take your trusty sunglasses out to the nightclub with you so that you can close.

I saw her write that, though. We were watching poker last night. When you said it last night, it was so perfect and cut. You didn't even have a prop. Yeah, but that was three seconds. I think that the big difference there is poker and blackjack. I think there's no reason for the game to be blackjack because

poker is more of like the liar's game. Yeah, you don't bluff in blackjack. Unless you're sitting at the table trying to get free drinks off the waitress and she asks you, are you playing? Yeah. And you put on your glasses.

If you say poker... Yeah. Had you said poker, then when you put the sunglasses on, you would have heard a laugh from someone other than the cat. Oh, I thought that was great. Yeah, I think I said Texas Hold'em or poker. Right. Poker, yeah. Yeah, I can't believe I said that was great. Yeah, I said Texas Hold'em or poker.

Right. Poker, yeah. Poker. Yeah, I can't believe I said that. So what are you doing later? You want to hang? Yeah. Maybe we should just go over to my house.

Maybe you could almost reverse the joke and go like, you know, he has the best poker face. He's a professional poker player, which sucks because I never know when he's cheating on me, especially when he's wearing his glasses. You know what I mean? Like explain the joke at the front and then I don't know. You certainly don't need the actual sunglasses

to... Let's stop talking about it now. Look at you Brian almost writing a joke. What was your other joke? The other joke. It was about the guy being rich. Is that real?

Did that just happen? Well, no. Just a guy that has a girlfriend reached out to me on Facebook. And I was like, you're not even someone I'd be like, ooh, maybe. It's this poor guy that's cheating on his girlfriend.

Yeah, that's funnier. I think you needed to explain that. Because the first part was great. It's a great opening to walk on stage because I really bought it. I really was thinking, oh, I think she's just winging this because it sounded believable that a guy just hit on you downstairs.

Because Dom, I didn't know that Dom was here next to me so how's the process been going as far as writing a new minute every week it's getting really hard it's getting harder? how hard? Jesus Christ Brian

what did I tell you about being creepy? It's been hard since the beginning, but... How hard? Oh, stop it, Brian. What is this? Did you guys plan this or something? You know how hard it is to write a real joke every week, one minute? If you wrote that many jokes, I'm not good at math, you would have over an hour in a year. Yeah. I'm kidding.

It's like 165. I was fucking kidding. The one time I was kidding... Well, no, that'd be a day. That'd be 52 minutes per... No, actually, it's 52. Oh, shit. Wow. I think Fang Chao might need to do your math for you from now on. And your tattoos.

Oh! Is this thing off? for you from now on. And your tattoos. Oh. Is this thing off? What's the name of that character again? Fritzy Anderson. Fritzy Anderson. What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing no matter what you call him, he ain't coming.

He's just on. Why do you wrap a gerbil in duct tape so when you fuck him, he don't explode? Ladies and gentlemen, where did I lose you, folks? I love Fritzy. Well, fun times.

You did it again. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She's on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon. Instagram, Kimberly Congdon. Our only other regular, everybody. Same story, new minute every week. The fun and always goofy stylings of Sarah Weinshank, everyone. Sarah Weinshank.

A dude told me my body was sturdy. I felt offended because oak body was sturdy. I felt offended because oak trees are sturdy. Oxen, the foundations of homes, can't call a chick sturdy. I was like, what the fuck?

He's like, no, it's hot. Your legs look like they could carry a baby through the apocalypse. Your legs look like they could carry a baby through the apocalypse. Your legs look like you could carry my baby specifically through the apocalypse. And I said, if it's the apocalypse, the last thing I'm fucking doing is carrying a baby through the apocalypse.

And if it's the apocalypse, I'm especially not carrying the spawn of some dude who just called me sturdy through the apocalypse if it's the apocalypse I'm doing drugs alright that's it

fuck yeah I love that I loved it the first time you said that you wouldn't carry a baby through the apocalypse, I know they didn't laugh that much, but between us, they're not that great of an audience. That part was funny, and then the next part was funnier as well. That's a great new minute. Did somebody really call you sturdy?

Yeah. A few people have called me sturdy. Wow. I do not support that. Whoa. What sound effect are you going to play for that, huh? You did it so casually, the air quotes.

What's the support? Did you... There it is. And now, did you wear a skirt because you knew you were going to be talking about your legs? I always talk... Well, I always wear skirts, but I'm like, fuck it, I better show off these sturdy fucking legs. I'm not going to fuck around. It's not the day to wear pants. Now, you do yourself a disservice.

Did you play field hockey? No. Sports? No, my mom's just Puerto Rican. My dad's German, so it's like... Sweet. Wait for the apocalypse birthing process. Right.

Are you Jewish? Yeah, my dad's Jew. Yeah. I'm Jewish. You're too smart to be like a regular girl. Yeah, thanks. I thought you said he was German. Jewish German.

He's a German Jew. It's contradictory. So confusing. There were millions of them at one time. I've never heard this story. What happened next? Well, yeah. After 52 weeks or an hour,

whichever comes first. Fuck yeah. So a few people have called you sturdy before And now you're dealing with it You're making jokes about it It was just too soon to talk about it But now I'm calloused So I felt comfortable

You know sturdy If that's the worst thing we're good I love that Yeah sturdy's not a horrible thing to be called Yeah but like It's like livestock or something. Yeah, it's like oxen. Yeah, but the thing is, you get to a certain point

and you want to marry somebody who's got birthing hips. You know? I don't want to be the person with the birthing hips. You know? Like, no thanks. You're not going to have any children? I mean, I can't even think about it. I can barely pay my rent. I'm trying to write minutes every week. Right, thanks. You're not going to have any children? I mean, I can't even think about it. I can barely pay my rent.

I'm trying to write minutes every week. Right, right. I love that. That's an extra minute you don't have. The horse of truth out on Sarah Weinshank. You brought him out. Sarah, I've seen you a lot. I don't mean to be pedantic or didactic.

I'm telling you. Anybody have a Rosetta Stone for Dom? High heels would make that outfit work Seriously Forget about the comedy Put some fucking heels on with those legs How did Red Band And Dom just switch bodies?

I haven't seen this since the hit movie Vice Versa with Judge Reinhold. HBO Classics. Dom, let her borrow a pair of your heels. Are you a feet guy? Yeah, you are a feet guy. No, Greg's a feet guy, right? What's that? You're a feet guy, right?

Greg Feets Simmons. I enjoy feet. Would you like to see Sarah's feet? Sure. I don't have cute feet. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's showing feet here? I don't have good feet. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's showing feet here? I don't show my feet. I show my legs. It's so creepy.

We're not going to show you Sarah's feet, Greg. However, we will show you Pat Reagan's feet. Pat? No, no, no. Don't do it. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Please stop. I'm kidding.

Where's that guy that jerks up eight times a day? Bring him in for the closing. Chase Johnson. See if you can get any more cum out of that dick. Too soon. Too soon Too soon To twist it like a rag It's so dirty Dom All he comes is like a poop

Throw some over here What the fuck is going on Oh my god Too soon Good job sir Which is also Chase Johnson's favorite masseuse's name Too soon. Too soon. Good job, sir. Which is also Chase Johnson's favorite masseuse's name. Too soon joke. I didn't like this audience that much.

No, they kind of sucked. They're good. I certainly wouldn't carry them through the apocalypse through my legs. You're wearing skinny jeans, Pat. We know you don't have the legs to carry anything through the apocalypse, including yourself. Just you and your guitar.

That's dirty enough. Sarah Weinshank, I love the new minute. You did it again. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Guys, can you believe it? It's been an hour and a half That's Kill Tony

It's amazing how the time flies This is the part of the show where we look at the art At the beginning of this episode was a blank page The great Ryan J. E. Belt Oh wow it's like a gladiator one A gladadiator version From the time that we started This is perhaps definitely my favorite one yet

That looks exactly like you, Dom It's fucking incredible Ryan J.E. Belt is Ryan J.E. Belt On Twitter, on Instagram, in real life You see Ryan around, say hi Ryan J.E. Belt I saw your work at Kill Tony, you're amazing Thank you so much live audience. Pat Reagan is Patty Reagan

on Twitter, everybody. Patty Reagan. I'll be at the Stress Factory in three weeks. Stress Factory, three weeks. That's in New Jersey. I'll be at the San Diego American Comedy Company and then Boston. Coming up in the next few weeks.

Laugh Boston. I love that place. September. All you podcast listeners, Boston for Fitzsimmons. At Dom Herrera. Jersey, Dom Herrera, great Fitzsimmons. Fitz Dog Radio.

Fitz Dog Radio on Sirius. Improv, Hollywood improv. Hey now. Buy Pat Reagan's albums. Thanks to at Josh Martin Comics. See us in Phoenix in September. September 17th. I love that club, by the way.

I'm at Toronto just for laughs and I'm doing oddball this year in October in Tampa and in Atlanta, Georgia. This is the main stage of oddball. No big deal, guys. That's not a huge breakthrough. Anyway, thanks, live audience. I love you so much.

See you. Bye, everybody. Thank you, guys. She wants it very important I'm not really certain it's a good girl Oh yeah yeah It's a good girl I will not change it though Then one day on a ship to Quebec Going back and feeling on a lover's track They make you tell them about the way you look on the back It's like you can't end me in the chair I'm gonna look up at that Decide to look at it And be in good shape

If you put a million of dollars In your little old seat You'll be able to travel to the light That's gonna make me free I'm gonna look up at that Decide to look at it And be in good shape If you put a million of dollars

In your little old seat But Floyd was jealous and alone He wanted a million for his own Go ahead. on a ship to Quebec Floyd found me and Billy on a lover's trek. He picked up a bottle and broke off the neck and sliced through the air and he hit the jack Whoa B You're trying to live a life that's completely

free. You wanna stay with Billy until you're dead but you just got a bottle of the head. Whoa. You're trying to live.