KILL TONY - KILL TONY #116

Episode Date: September 17, 2015

Ralphie May, Mike Lawrence, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 08/10/2015   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey guys, it's Brian and you're listening to Kill Tony. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe and special guest Aiko Tanaka are going to be in Phoenix, Arizona tomorrow at Stand Up Live. If you're listening to this the day it was released, tomorrow, September 17th, come to Stand Up Live in Phoenix at 8 o'clock for a great Death Squad show. Me and Tony are co-headlining and we have Aiko Tanaka with us as a special guest. You can go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates for the links, or just go to Stand Up Live's website.

Also, me and Tony are in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store every Monday recording this podcast, and it's a free show, Kill Tony, every Monday, 8 o'clock, Belly Room. And every Tuesday, we have the Roast Battle, which is verbal violence, every Tuesday in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. And every Friday, we're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California, for a big comedy show where we do the Ice House Chronicles.

You can find all these links and tickets. Just go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. Also, ShopSquad.tv has a pre-order for a t-shirt and a hat right now so if you haven't got a death squad hat or shirt check out shop squad dot tv a bunch of new stuff and you can pre-order it right now and don't forget tony hinchcliffe's website tony hinchcliffe.com for all his tour dates and merchandise. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Volume 3, good enough for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Yeah, everybody. You hear that? That's me. Yeah. Yeah, everybody. You hear that? That's me. It's me, everyone. Again, episode 120,000 of Kill Tony, everyone. We're all here again in the belly room of the world famous comedy store.

Give yourselves a hand for coming out on a Monday night. It's not easy. I never said it was easy. But we make it easy. We make it easy for you. Fuck yeah. Come on in, everybody. Squeeze in.

Welcome, everyone. As always, Brian Redband, everybody. Hi. The man behind everything that you hear audibly is Brian Redband. Drawing tonight, the great Ryan J. Ebel draws every episode. You see him over here. Right now, the piece of paper in front of him is completely blank. But by the end of the episode, he ends up drawing me, Brian, the guests,

and in some type of cool way, encapsulates the evening here on Kill Tony. And we're live streaming to thousands and thousands of people all around the world. I just retweeted a guy who made a drawing of my face in South Korea today. He periscoped it, and then it was actually me. Which I sort of look like a caricature, naturally is what I learned, because I have a very long face.

So yeah. Anyway, South Korea. Shout out to them, Kill Tony fans fans you think it's only 70 people crammed in the belly room but it's not it's all around the world put your hands together for the band leader pat reagan everybody he warms up the crowd pat how's everything going it's going good man i'm excited to be here i love it pat you've joined the show about 15, 20 weeks ago and we've learned that the guest comedians, I always have two of the best

comedians in the world on this show every week, and for some reason they don't like you. This is something that we've learned. There's just something about you that people always make fun of and they just hate you. It might be the guitar. I don't know if it's everyone. It probably be the guitar. Oh, it's everyone it probably is the guitar

It's probably my my vibe People brought the other older comedians. They don't really like my vibe. Yeah, there's something terribly smug about you is there Yeah, I have like one of those because you know I always think Bo Burnham has one of those faces that you just want to Punch in the face. That's the face. Yeah Ladies and gentlemen, let's get right to it. Our guests tonight, Ralphie May and Mike Lawrence. Ralphie May and Mike Lawrence, everybody. Come on in, Mike. Hey.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Boom. Here we are again. Yes. You guys have both done this show before. Welcome back. Mike Lawrence and Ralphie May. Yes. You guys have both done this show before. Welcome back. Mike Lawrence and Ralphie May.

Cool. Yeah. You got a band now? Yeah. One band. Kinda? I guess this is your first time seeing Pat Reagan. Yeah.

And without knowing what we were talking about before, he jumps right into hating Pat Reagan. Yeah. It looked like my six-year-old fucking painted your guitar. That's garbage. What fucking hippie said that was a good idea? It's like a guy who does a lot of drugs painted it, trying to paint. Eric Clapton has a guitar that's like this, a Gibson.

Yeah, that's a good one. It answers the question, what if someone from Soundgarden fingered Lisa Frank? Wow. You really painted a picture on that one, Mike. Yeah. And that picture is still better looking than the one on his guitar. Pat Reagan, going through all your accessories right now, you look a little bit shaken up.

Are you going to be able to make it through this episode? Yeah, man. I went to bed at like 5.30 a.m. last night, so I'm a little scattered, but I feel good. What kept you up? I was writing. Now that is a great joke. Okay, that was awesome. You should have been painting that fucking guitar, okay?

I like it. I like it. I like shitty things, man. Okay, alright. Hey, right on. I bet your act reflects that. There you go. Just like I was saying, everybody hates Pat Reagan. That might need to be the name of your next comedy music album, Pat. Every time I look at it, it's something different.

It's like a magic eye kit. It's the fucking weirdest. All right, you got to stop doing references from 1993. I'm sorry. Crazy enough, though, you guys have done this show, and you probably know that every week, instead of me asking the guests a question, which every show does that, the host asks a question,

I always leave it up to Pat, the most hated person on the show, to ask the guests a different question each week. So, Pat, what do you have for this week's guest? All right, I got kind of silly questions right now. So they're hypothetical questions. Okay, so Ralphie, this is a dumb hypothetical question, but I'm curious. Okay, you're

trapped in an elevator with a guy who you just saw on the news is a wanted serial killer, and your phone's dead. What do you do? I kill that motherfucker. I mean, I like to fight, so fuck it. Let's do this? I kill that motherfucker. I mean, I like to fight, so fuck it. Let's do this. Let's do this.

I know what role I'm getting cast into that elevator. Pat, what's your question for Mike Lawrence? Alright, Mike Lawrence. Alright, so you're getting a haircut, and your hairstylist is Winona Ryder, like at the peak of her hotness in the 90s. All right. And she gives you a haircut and she just sucks.

She just fucking, she just cuts the shit out of your hair, leaves bald patches on it. And after she cuts your hair and does a terrible job, she just like. Wait, can you answer? Can you say this question in song form? She just leans in and says, do you want a happy ending? What do you do? I wait for the happy ending in that question,

and it never comes. I'd say yes. I'd get blown from Winona Ryder. It's just a handjob. It's a handjob. Sure, we'd all get blown by Winona Ryder. Yeah. But how many want to risk a girl handjob?

Not me. And judging on her haircut techniques, maybe her handjob is a little iffy. Am I a pedophile if I want it from, like, Lydia in Beetlejuice, Winona Ryder? No, that's a good one. She was probably 18, right? She had to look 14 at the trial, though. My dick looks... And my dick does look like a sandworm, so, you know.

I love this. We're up and running. Great questions, Pat Reagan. Guys, this is the show where every week over 40 comedians, you wouldn't believe it, but way in the back, lined up all the way down the hallway to the other side of the building are comedians waiting to hear their name picked because they signed up for the chance to do 60 Seconds on stage tonight.

Every week, a ton of comedians sign up, and me and our esteemed guests always talk to them after their 60 Seconds set about anything in the world. Normally, we end up making fun of you quite a bit. That just happens naturally. But anything can happen. Maybe you'll get some good advice. Maybe you'll realize that you don't want to do stand-up comedy anymore. One of your participants in Kill Tony, I'm giving a guest set

at the Irvine Improv in front of 500 people. Yeah, one of the regulars, right? Which happens at the end of the show. That's going to be a lot of fun. Every week we have two comedians that do a new 60 seconds each week. The only two regulars that don't have to sign up in the bucket. Can you promise that to everyone

at the beginning of their set and then take it away as they continue? Just literally have it on a string with a fishing pole and every time a joke doesn't work. That's a great idea. Fuck it. That's way more brutal than what I had planned.

I was going to be magnanimous and give one guy a shot, but fuck him, you're right. You just end with a Willy Wonka, you get nothing speech after every bad set. Guys, you know how it works. Someone juice me, please. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know that your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.

That's 60 seconds. You may have recognized that sound earlier from when Pat told a 70 second long question to Mike Lawrence. And wrap it up when you hear the sound of a cat. Earl, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Yeah. Obnoxiously loud and annoying. So don't make that happen, everybody. All right. Let's do it. You guys ready for Kill Tony, episode 120-something? Craziness. Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight

goes by the name of Matt Micheleti. I fell in love too, said that in the beginning I had to get it done I said I love this song I'm in love with this song All right, so I work in the IT industry, and I work with a lot of very weird people. I was in an office last week, and I had their kids were getting homeschooled in the office with them,

which was very weird, especially when I saw them taking a field trip on Google Earth, which was really weird. They were like little Mormon kids taking a field trip to the Washington Monument on Google Earth, like little Mormon kids taking a field trip to the Washington Monument on Google Earth, and I was waiting for them to place the Google pin on Google Earth where their childhood dreams had died at that moment. It was the most hilarious thing that I'd ever seen in the IT industry, and I don't think I'll ever see it again. So I think that's about 60 seconds, right? 37 seconds.

Oh, wow. 37 seconds. Nothing like getting called first, right? Yeah. But, yeah, IT industry, great. Glad to be wow. 37 seconds. Nothing like getting called first, right? Yeah. But, yeah, IT industry. Great. Glad to be here. Thank you.

Fuck yeah. 37 seconds. I'm guessing when you practiced it earlier, you were allotted for a lot more laughter. Yeah. To happen, right? 37 seconds. That's about 60 seconds, right? Didn't I nail it?

No, you didn't. No. Maybe you should have placed that Google Earth pin on where the joke was. Oh, no. Pat Reagan. Pat Reagan over there shooting threes. The hate tinge is now the hate terror. Dude, he's making you question your Google worth.

Fuck, yeah. Yeah, what was the joke? Really? Yeah, Red Band's pissed over here. I know. Fuck yeah Yeah what was the joke? Really Yeah Red Band's pissed over it I know Tell me what the joke was Guys it was IT funny That's true

And that was the funniest thing that you've ever seen? Working in the IT industry? Absolutely What was the funny part? Having to interact with children Going on a field trip on Google Earth. Like taking an actual field trip on a non-physical vehicle. How long have you done stand-up comedy? Two and a half years.

How many times in two and a half years? How many times have I what in two and a half years? Yeah, ballpark. How many times have you been on stage? Probably about 200. Oh, interesting. Maybe 201 is your lucky number. Maybe.

I got to tell you, bro, IT, not funny. You should have taken it further. I mean, if they're doing a field trip on Google, you could shit on it and then go, well, I was having sex on you, porn. It's the same thing. You take it further. Take it further. But don't take that joke anyway.

Absolutely not. Got it. It was so quiet in here, I literally heard somebody drop a pen on their phone. But I do think you did a great job of painting Pat's guitar, so we have to give him that. It makes me feel like my nickels and dimes went to goodness. I think he color coordinated the hat with the shirt pretty

well and the watch. He's talented. Had you planned to do another joke? Had I planned to? Not really in my head, no. 60 seconds, just trying to do that. Where are you from, Matt? Phoenix.

How long have you been in L.A.? About three days, just on a trip. Just come out here and check it out. How long have you lived in Phoenix? Eight years. Where are you originally from? Sacramento, California. Wow.

So you went from Sacramento to Phoenix. I know. He's on the meth tour. Oh, my God. He's called up life, too. I guess. He's on the meth tour. Oh, my God. They have a... He's called life, too. I guess Tijuana must be up next. Yeah.

Dirty summer. If I'm lucky. If I'm lucky. It's a smart move. They have a great online university and a wonderful comedy course. What's your favorite thing about Phoenix? I would say the rain in the summertime, honestly, is my favorite thing. That's totally stupid and gay to say, but I love the monsoons in the summertime out there, yeah.

Wow. Yeah. You ever go out there in the rain with a girl and... No. What do you do when it rains in Phoenix on those hot days? I honestly do go outside, usually by myself, because my fiancee does not like the rain. Oh, fiancee. Yeah.

Sounds like a sitcom. You have the saddest. Rainy in Phoenix. What happens when it's always raining in Phoenix? You have the saddest voice ever for a guy with a backwards hat. Like, every guy with a backwards hat is like, where's the party at? And he's like, I missed the monsoon. Elizabeth walked into the monsoon.

I found her body on Google Earth. Matt, I love your style, man. Best of luck to you. Thank you, guys. You're hanging in Phoenix. Yeah. There's a lot of good comics in Phoenix, man. Best of luck to you. Thank you, guys. You're hanging in Phoenix. Yeah. There's a lot of good comics in Phoenix, man. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, a lot of good ones. Not me. What does the fiance do for work? She's a secretary for a school out there. Oh, yeah. I'm not really adding much to this conversation. It seems like there's something to the idea.

It's just how you presented it was confusing. It just didn't seem like you had any tags or any kind of high-ins. It was just an idea that you just never wrote a joke for. Brian Redband hates you. No, I'm in a bad mood today. I'm sorry. What did I do to harm you, Redband? But there is something to it. Kids nowadays don't even go on real field trips.

That's pretty much right there, the basis of that idea. Now just think of new things to do, new places to go. What else do you talk about? What are other subjects that you've acquired? Please don't tell me that's your only 37 seconds. No, no. Mostly, I grew up a nerd a lot, so a lot of the stuff is about video games. And just growing up in a really shithole farm town in Northern California and dealing with not being like anybody that I grew up with.

A lot of people there are really super Christian and boring. Just get sadder and sadder the more I talk to you, Matt. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm really trying to dig for something that you could talk about, but maybe like one-man drama shows or something like that. But the thing is, you look like a jock who ate a nerd's heart

to get their powers. That's nailing it. Matt, best of luck. We'll see you again soon. Thank you, guys. Matt Michaletti. He's on Twitter at Omnathon. Omnahalen.

Guy works in IT and he has the worst Twitter handle I've ever seen It did answer the question What if Edward Snowden played softball Your next comedian goes by the name of Victor Martinez Victor Martinez. Victor Martinez.

Oh, yeah. Yo, good fucking evening, Kill Tony. What's up? All right, so I've been here a year now. I'm from Texas originally, from Dallas, Texas. How's it going? And every time I mention that shit, like, you guys say the same thing. Oh, wow, you're from Texas. You don't have an accent. You're not riding

a horse. You don't have a gun. You don't have a hat on. Like, yeah, bitch, I didn't fit in. That's why I left. That's why I'm here now. Because I was scared over there. Now I'm scared of this fucking place. I live in Koreatown now. It's kind of risky. Fucking like a buffet line of hookers every night when the sun goes down. They take fucking credit card, man. It's 2015. I know because I drive for Uber. And I'm there like all times of the night.

And I see them. They know me by name now and shit. And I give them rides. You know, it's a good part of town. And like I've been thinking Uber is so geared towards alcoholics. I want something that's geared more towards potheads you know like duber or splift you know you just hit the button you have your favorite strain waiting for you in the back seat we're gonna get so high we're gonna forget our destination

we're gonna hit jack in a box you guys have a good fucking day fuck yeah i like that sign off victor you are by far the funniest 12 yearyear-old lesbian I've ever had on the show. Hey. I did that. I did that a lot. She is the best part of Orange is the New Black. All right? Don't you fucking.

Fat Ruby Rose right here. Fuck yeah. I like your style. Ralphie, what do you think about little Ralphie? I am a big fucking fan, Ralphie. Thank you. Thank you. I've never adopted a Mexican before.

That's awesome. Our titties are the same size. Your accent, you should have said, I mean, instead of it being a Texas accent, we're all shocked that you're not speaking with a Hispanic one. That's the shocker. Not that you don't fucking talk like me, okay? All right.

You had good jokes. You had good delivery. It kind of threw me back. I was expecting you to eat a dick, and you did not. So good job, little man. Thank you. How old are you, Victor? I'm 21. I'm just a baby.

21, and he's probably younger because you have to say you're 21 to get in here. That's a fun fact to remember. So anytime they say 21, it usually means a little bit younger, right? I got an ID. I'm 21. Sure, of course. You would have to if you were to say you're 21 here.

We understand, Victor. It's one of those wacky Texas IDs without the hologram, right? Yeah, right, right. It's the big star. And it says McLovin on it. Some shit. How long have you been doing stand-up, Victor? Like three and a half years.

It's been taking a serious year now since I moved out here. Oh, yeah. Koreatown the whole time? Yeah, yeah. You got to talk more about those whores dude thank you that's a lot that's a lot more interesting i like it too it's funny shit because you just wasted the punchline i mean you say you take them in your uber everywhere it's like to the nice parts of town what the fuck are they doing are you waiting on them are you getting a handy when they can't fucking pay i mean they blowing you what the fuck dude kind of like a? I'm kind of like a pimp.

You're an Uber driver. You're not like a pimp. You could have been like a taxi driver or a regular driver, but you're an Uber driver, okay? Not a pimp. Have you ever seen a real pimp?

No, I've been looking for them. You'd be sucking dick if I was a pimp okay do you understand you're too weak don't say you're a pimp okay some bitch will test you they'll cut you all right i thought i thought i was good the only thing was you did jump around it was like i'm from texas i drive an uber you know i live in koreatown and I would like focus more like he said, like with the Uber thing, like just take a joke, explore it and instead of just jumping

from thing to thing, it was like you were pitching your sitcom more than making us laugh. How long have you been driving for Uber? Like a month and a half. I did Lyft like three months prior to that. No one's puked in my backseat yet, thank God. Yeah, but you got chlamydia in your backseat now. We're talking Uber X, right?

Let's face the facts here. Yeah, it doesn't even have air conditioning. I get by driving at night. Yeah, yeah. What? Get the fuck out of here, really? How did you get approved? That's a Mexican.

I don't fucking know. Yeah. You gotta make money. That's awesome. You gotta fucking make money, man. What kind of street meat are you picking up? Is this high-end street meat? No fucking way.

Korean dance? Yeah. Donald Trump is so mad that he took this spot from other hardworking American comedians tonight. Yeah. Trump hates you for a few reasons. There's a lot to hate there. Victor, what'd you do before driving Lyft and for Uber?

When I got out here, I worked in Westwood. I worked at a diner theater. I had some experience in that. In dining? Yeah, it's like movies. Movies and a restaurant at the same time. I got to serve a lot of actors and actresses and shit. I saw Britney Spears there a lot. It was really cool.

Wow. Fuck yeah. I love that. Love you a lot. It was really cool. Wow. Fuck yeah. I love that. Love you, man. You guys are badass. Thank you. This is a fucking awesome ass show. I've been listening to it since it started. Thanks, Victor. Yeah. I know you should open with that. It would fucking

tone you down a lot. Yeah. Note to comics, you can kiss Tony's ass and he's a lot. Note to comics, you can kiss Tony's ass and he's a lot sweeter too. Now I'll tell you you're the funniest 14-year-old lesbian I've ever seen. He's moving on up.

I love your style. What's that on your t-shirt? It's like an iceberg or some shit. I don't know. As a fat guy, let me tell you. Burn the fucking shirt. Dude, I can see your nipples. Hey, bro, it's time for a new shirt. I need a lot of new clothes.

And you're not going to wear any fucking major ice, okay? You're not going to wear a fucking mountain, okay? Why would a large landmass dress up like a large landmass? It does not. And thank you for addressing that question to the large landmass. You're standing next to her. Well, I was trying to look elsewhere, but I couldn't. I understand.

There's no other way. I'll wear more Fender shirts. It is very strange seeing it. I know. I got to get a new wardrobe. Come back in a 3X, bro. You're a 3X. It's time to burn that X out.

They make two types of shirts in your size and they either have Venom or Goku on them. Do you have other shirts that are of landscapes? No, just a bunch of old pizza delivery shirts and domino shirts. What? Wow. You gotta burn those too, bro. You gotta burn those too.

Okay, as a fat guy, we can't be seen around Fuck your girlfriend! Named imaginary. Okay? Alright, that's number one. Horse of truth. The first sign of the horse of truth here tonight that you just heard. Yeah, that was at the horse of truth. The horse comes out when something extremely honest

has been said. We've known the whole time you don't have a girlfriend. Anybody who says their wardrobe mostly is comprised of old pizza delivery shirts does not have a girlfriend. No. She's loyal. She's still there for me.

It's time to get new shirts. Hey, hey. Hey, it's not pussy. It's DiGiorno, all right? It's time to get new. Hey, hey, hey, it's not pussy. It's DiGiorno. All right. It plumps when you cook it, though.

I want to believe that his girlfriend and the other guy's fiance are waiting on a park bench together right now. Oh, the men are pursuing their dreams again. Harumph. Is your girlfriend a bigger girl? No, she's actually skinny. She's cute. She's a blonde. Really?

I can show you a picture. I don't know what the fuck I did right. Hey, man, I did too. Don't ask any questions, bro. Fat dudes get cute girls, man. Hey, don't ask... You know what?

It would be the most romantic thing. He wears the iceberg shirt and she wears the shirt with the Titanic and they just ram into each other. That's great. a shirt with a Titanic and they just ram into each other. That's great.

Near, far, wherever you are. Victor, what did we learn here tonight? Get a new wardrobe, talk more about hookers. I love it. You truly are a pimp after all.

Victor Martinez, everybody. There he goes. At Victor Comedian on Twitter. Victor Martinez. It's Victor's first time on the show. I like Victor. Yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket, guys.

We're just going to keep the fun train moving along Jermyn Parra What's up guys, what's up Just saw a sign For a new movie coming out Straight out of Compton You guys seen that sign It annoys me when people brag about where they're from just saw a sign for a new movie coming out, straight out of Compton. You guys seen that sign? It annoys me when people brag about where they're from,

but they're not really from, like, a nice place. Yo, man, I'm from Compton. Well, that's not really a nice area. So, uh... I live in Hermosa Beach. It's way better. Yo, man, I grew up in the projects. That's because your parents couldn't afford regular housing. You probably grew up with a single mom.

You guys, I'm not making fun of single moms. I'm making fun of their four kids. That's a lot of kids. I think single moms get a lot of credit. Nobody ever brings up how they can't keep relationships. All right, you guys are pro-single moms here. Not talking about your mom. Take it easy. My friend called me up. He was like... Oh, man. We hate it when that happens.

I didn't hear the meow. Fuck yeah. I was waiting for it. I was done. There it is. Absolutely. Jeremy. Jermaine.

Jermaine. That's an interesting song. I thought you were going to be black. When you said Jermaine, I was like, that's a black guy, right? Yeah, that is a black name. Thank you. Yeah. What happened? I do have a joke about that. That is a black name. Thank you.

What happened? I was a baby. I didn't have anything to do with it. I'm just asking. Let me ask you something. How many anti-single mom rooms do you perform in to where you were surprised when your against single moms joke

didn't go over that well? It works pretty good, actually. It's pretty funny, usually. You guys are a little uptight, I gotta say. Wait, when? The last guy did pretty good. I felt like I did alright. Yeah, we've been crushing this entire time. Yeah.

I mean, your hair looks great. I didn't get laughs? Okay, now you need to know you need to know that some of those laughs, they weren't laughing with you. You know that, right? They were laughing at you because you fucked up jokes.

You know that, right? I did not know that. Okay, y'all right? Yeah, hit that truth button again. You guys really didn't like him? I liked his style. It was completely opposite of normal. Somebody wants to hang at Hermosa Beach with his new friend.

Oh, I see what it is. I didn't think he did bad. I thought it was an interesting take. It was a little, like, that's hard to sell. How close do you actually live to the beach so that Red Band can decide whether he likes you or not? I can walk to the beach. Whoa! There it is.

Guess who's in control of the horse of truth, everybody. It's not me. I have to admit, after that set, I'm straight out of compliments. You didn't like it? Fuck yeah. We're losing audience members That's how good that joke was Some guy said I'm a fucker

Jermaine, how long have you been doing stand-up? Seriously, about ten months My first time was about a year ago But I didn't do anything after that And how long have you been cutting hair for a living? This is done by We're literally losing more audience members Are you making fun of the way I look, dude? Really? Whoa, whoa, whoa This is done by... We're literally losing more audience members. This is a haircut, man.

Are you making fun of the way I look, dude? Really? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine. Wow, normally I'm not this confident against a guy named Jermaine,

but I tell you, I'm feeling pretty good. The goddamn Germans ain't got nothing to do with it. I love your style, man. Ten months and already ready to take over. I love it. Jermaine, where are you performing mostly? I'll be here on Wednesday at a bringer show, but it's a show.

Do you do a lot of those shows? I do. Wherever I can get on stage, I get on stage now, so that's a show. Do you do a lot of those shows? I do. Wherever I can get on stage, I get on stage now. So that's my attitude. You leave him alone because four of his friends believe in him.

I'm going over to Wang's later. Like, I don't give a fuck. I'll get on stage wherever. I love that. Good. So you've been doing it for 10 months. 10 months.

How old are you? I'm 39. Fuck yeah. What were you doing before this? Oh, I own a company. I own a business. What kind of business? We do construction,

build kitchen cabinets, design them, we build them. If you guys want a card later. If you guys own a house. Fuck yeah. Just cabinets mostly? Just cabinets.

I'm all cabinets, man. I've been doing that for about 20 years. That's awesome that you asked this room full of West Hollywood fucking pseudo hipsters. You guys don't have any money.

I know that. They're gonna buy a house. You never know. They're having a hard time with fucking rent. If I get one, one customer, one $20,000 gift. If you come to his show on Wednesday night, he will furnish your apartment. He'll give you a corner. He'll give you a corner cabinet.

It'll be right here in the belly room, guys. Ten bucks. Cover charge. Is all your material kind of the same? No, no. Mostly, I just got married about ten months ago. So that's actually when I started taking it seriously after I got married. As a married man, that's a smart move.

Get a hobby afterwards that leads you out at night away from your wife. Yeah, this ain't going to last long. That's done. What does she do for work last long. That's done. What does she do for work? She's a mental health therapist in Compton. Wow. Mental health in Compton. She actually really is black, though.

Really? Did she know that you were not black? Her family didn't know. They choose good. Actually, that's funny because my wife didn't tell her family that I wasn't black and I showed up to the party, like to a family party. But you look at him and you think the wife would be the one who has the arraigned marriage? Yeah. Her brother goes, that's not Jermaine.

I think that's his probation officer, but that ain't Jermaine. That's what her brother told me. Wow. Racist. That's interesting. And what nationality are you? My parents are from Mexico. Like the other dude over there.

Wow, you said that like you're completely illegal. My parents are Mexican. Like that guy. My parents are Mexican. I'm an American like you, man. He's like, we're from the same country, but not the same gym. I love it. You'd be good if Univision

started up a Geico caveman campaign. It could be the Geico cave hermano. Wow. Man, comedy is not for everybody, man. Okay? Alright? Wow.

I'm trying to remember those fucking guys that did the jingles with the guitar and I was going to hit you with that. What was that fucking campaign? The doofballs with the guitars? You took his bomb and you're like, I'm going to absorb it. That was selfless.

I'm going to. You're like the giving tree of dead jokes. That was wonderful. I had to to. You're like the giving tree of dead jokes. That was wonderful. I had to stop that one from eating Pat. He just started yawning in the middle of it. He thought he was having a stroke. Jermaine, now

you've been married for 10 months. Did you date a lot of black women before your wife? Is that your thing? No. No? No, I date good-looking women. That's what I do. She's good-looking.

And just remember, we're the only four people in Hollywood that will still acknowledge you after you've said you're 39. So I hope you cherish this. Hey, man, I like you, Jermaine. I think you're funny. I think you got some funny stuff.

And I do like the fact that you're making Puerto Ricans, and that's beautiful. Lord needs more Puerto Ricans. Okay, so I appreciate that, brother. Man, keep on going, man. Keep it up. Don't stop. Okay, that's the fucking biggest thing, all right, is don't stop. Keep it up.

Thank you. Ralphie loves you because clearly Ralphie wants more cabinets in his kitchen. Fuck yeah. I'll give you a good deal. I'm one of the few people here who owns a house.

Give me a good deal, man. I'll give you a good deal. It's true. Jermaine, thank you so much. Thanks for being on. Jermaine Parra. Jermaine. 100% Mexican Jermaine.

That's incredible. It's like seeing a black person named Jose the spelling of it's weird though he's on Twitter, it's Germain Parra J-E-R-M-Y-N which means, that's a black name that's also spelled black

J-E-R-M-Y-N that's interesting spelled black J-E-R-M-Y-N that's interesting P-A-R-R-A oh I love these anytime I pull out one of these pieces of paper and there's just one name on there oh man it's almost always the best you never know what's going to happen

they're either never going to make it or they already have I think this guy's one half of a one third of a comedy duo. Put your hands together for Willie, everybody. Uh-oh. Willie? Is there really not a Willie?

Is that really you, Willie? Hell yeah, there he is. Out of nowhere. Willie, everybody. Got a poem called These Damn Kids. Oh, gotcha. These damn kids. These damn kids.

These damn kids listen to every single word. These damn kids getting on my motherfucking nerve. These damn kids is the reason why I drink my liquor. Hold on. These damn kids done pissed off the babysitter. These damn kids the baddest ones. She only two. She came to me the other day like daddy.

I poop pooped. I said, P.U. The smell offended me. I said you shit it on yourself I grabbed the pampers and wipes off the shelf I said now if you could say poop poop you could change your motherfucking self these damn kids these damn kids These damn kids always fussing and fighting these damn kids put my tv to their likings I told these damn kids i'm tired of shitty asses No wiping and i'm also tired of door to explore with swiper. No fucking swiping these damn kids these damn kids these damn kids i'm tired of shitty asses no wiping and i'm also tired of door to explore with swiper no

fucking swiping these damn kids these damn kids these damn kids these damn kids don't have no sense of privacy when that bathroom door shit that means don't bother me they don't care if i got the bubble guts in my stomach tearing at me because soon as i open that bathroom door they right there staring at me these damn kids these damn These damn kids. These damn kids. These damn... That's my time thing. Fuck yeah! I love that. That was absolutely

that was absolutely just a rap song without any music behind it. Yeah. It's like you combined Dr. Dre and Dr. Seuss. I'd give him major props, but he already pulled them out of his pockets. Now, I love the fact

that not only is your name on your shirt, but the one joke that you talked about, these damn kids, is what it also says across your shirt. These damn kids will X. I read it wrong. I called you Willie because the bottom part of your X is longer

than the other part, so it looked like a Y. But there you are. Happy to be here. Fuck yeah. Let me take a guess here. You have some kids, huh? Yeah. How many kids do you have?

I have three. When Jermaine married into your family, How many kids do you have? I have three. Three. Heck yeah. And when Jermaine married into your family, you were like, what the fuck? These damn spigs. Oh. Boom. Boom.

Give me that horse. Man, that was dark. That was darker than the handprints on his shirt. Are those your kids' handprints? Okay. I don't know if that makes it weirder or makes it have more sense. I don't know. I feel like that shirt's going to be used for fingerprint evidence one day in some kind of crime.

Well, we did find the T-shirt. Find that baby. These damn kids. Do you do stand-up comedy? Well, I write. I've been writing for like 15 years. Yeah, I mean, but do you do stand-up comedy? Because this is a stand-up comedy show.

Brian, you are just like purposefully vicious tonight with no real punchlines following anything. No, I mean, it's just that there's like a thousand comedians that want to go on stage. The beauty is that anybody can sign up and somebody could come on and just completely flatline like Will X. I like Will X.

I think it was amazing. This is a comedy show. Totally. It's the first time in 120 episodes. We didn't land on these damn kids. These damn kids landed on us. We've been hoodwinked. Bamboozled.

As Will X knows, with this show, just like with life, accidents happen. He's breaking stereotypes by seeing those damn kids. All right. Yeah, too bad it wasn't these damn condoms.

Yeah. I love it. I'm surprised when we high five, we didn't turn back into Obama. I was really. I love that you're wearing camouflage shorts, too. You'd think a guy that is obsessed with having too many frustrating kids wouldn't wear shorts where you can't see the dick coming. You know what I mean?

Just attacks. Yes. I believe that we need to support Will X because hack lives matter. Wow. Mike Lawrence from Crightfield. Deep cut. Do you have a pun button over there? Because that's the third one he's dropped on us.

Now, Will. I thought he was great at interrupting Bernie Sanders' speech on Saturday. Will, what do you do for work? Well, I actually drive trucks. Drive trucks. Oh, wow. Truck driver. That's not going to work, man. Yeah, it is.

Has anyone told you that Russell Simmons' Deaf Poetry Jam has been canceled? Because I really hate to break it. Now you have the t-shirt that says these damn kids. How long would the these damn kids thing go if you didn't hear the cat? How much are these damn kids? I can go on for like ten minutes. Ten minutes just on these damn kids. Do you have any other?

I have one called Bruce Jenner, Bruce Jenner. Why wouldn't you do that one? Oh, you got to do that one. Give me a minute. You got to do that one. Why are you telling us this now? Give me 60 seconds. I want the whole room to give up their time for that.

Please. Bruce Jenner, Bruce Jenner, can I bite you up for dinner? Hold on. I want to talk to you man to man as if your manhood you still remember. Bruce Jenner, Bruce Jenner, I know you looked at your daughter Chloe and said if you date that crackhead Lamar Odom, I'm going to turn into a bitch and you won't know me. Bruce Jenner, Bruce Jenner, Bruce Jenner, Bruce Jenner. Is something wrong with your brain? I know too many Negro in-laws can't drive a nigga insane.

Bruce Jenner, Bruce Jenner. What in the world made you switch? All this time looking at your wife thinking, I'm going to turn into a bitch on this bitch. Time for a new shirt. Time for a new shirt. Time for a new shirt! Bruce Jenner! Bruce Jenner!

I just wanted to say that after that Bruce Jenner joke, he just transitioned into a star. Yeah. You should have done that one, man. That was great. I know. But Tony does only puns. It would be just puns all the day long.

No, I don't do only puns. As you've heard here tonight, I do a lot of versatile maneuvers like talking about the fingerprints on the shirt and things like that. Some of the old classics. You respect this man. He's able to feed his family with green eggs and ham every week.

Now that was definitely the first time ever. There's been like the longest running tradition of any time we let somebody do more of anything after their 60 seconds. It's always like the worst thing ever. 100% Anytime we let somebody do more of anything after their 60 seconds, it's always like the worst thing ever. 100% of the time until Will X just did that.

Now, what's amazing is that... Good job, Will X. I mean, if you're writing that kind of stuff that's topical and, you know, whatever, I mean, I don't know what to do. Put it on YouTube or something. You know what I mean? Do what the kids are doing nowadays and just get it out there. If you can write topical stuff like that

or sell it to a rapper or something. I don't know exactly how that game works. Drake will take it. He's way too dark-skinned for Drake. It's the rare person who bought stencils with purpose. I just want to say.

I think it's time for a new shirt. Yeah, you don't have a Bruce Jenner shirt yet? You got to get that shirt. Oh, Jesus. All right, Will. You just made it weird, Will. We found something more offensive than the Bruce Jenner thing. Yeah, but that was great.

So there you go. What's going on with the alcohol in your pocket? I drank it all on the way here. Wow! Holy shit! That is a fucking stereotype and a half. Right, Hennessy? I mean, oh my god. No, we got here on time.

That's incredible. That's a real bottle of Hennessy. Holy fucking shit, man. That's incredible. That's a real bottle of Hennessy. Holy fucking shit, man. That is incredible. Well, these damn kids are going to turn to these damn alcoholics as well. The cycle continues. I love it. Fuck yeah. Well, I mean, that's incredible.

When did you drink that bottle of Hennessy? When did you buy that? On my way here from Philadelphia. On my way here from Philadelphia. On your way here from Philadelphia. Okie dokie. I guess there's a little bit more than just the Hennessy. Will, I love your style, man. The kids are in Philly?

Is that where you go back to? Or did you just abandon these damn kids and just use them for their material? He's actually here with his Aunt Vivian and his Uncle Phil. Actually, we transitioned to Kansas City. We live in Kansas City now. Fuck yeah.

That's awesome. Moving on up. Thanks for coming. Yeah, that's it. Will X. Thank you so much he's on twitter Will X Da Poet King

Will X has a porn star name I thought he was just Willie but no it's Will X totally different type of beast doing just straight up poetry a lot of people do their funniest thing for their 60 seconds Will X said fuck that

I'm gonna do a rant about my kids and just hope they ask me for more I just want to read the blog on Jezebel about his Bruce Jenner poem Josh can you get Ali Makovsky this is a comedian who's under the age of

21, so you literally can't even be in the building if you're under 21 so they have to go get her. It's Allie Makovsky. Anyway, when I have to kill time, I always ask a question to the guests, which is, is there anything that you guys ever did on stage

when you first started out in your first couple years that you can't believe you ever did? Like something completely embarrassing or dumb? You know, like Will X just lifted up his shirt at one point during a set. You know what I mean? I did breast cancer jokes at a lesbian bar the third time I was on stage.

And someone threw a beer bottle at me and when it shattered, that was the moment I knew I would do comedy the rest of my life. Yeah. You stayed in the pocket. Just dodged him. That's great. How about you, Ralphie? Anything crazy in the beginning? I was funny.

I don't know what the fucking problem is with the rest of these guys. I was hilarious. I started when I was 17, man, and the only reason I kept going was I got a blowjob from Unattractive Girl after I won an open mic. That's all I needed. Ladies and gentlemen, the 19-year-old

phenom, Allie Makovsky, everybody. Hell yeah. Hey, guys guys I'm 19 I have acne anyone else relate who's got a retirement plan set up I do have acne which

sucks I went to the dermatologist to try and get rid of my acne and the dermatologist recommended that I should start taking birth control so I've been swallowing condoms every day. It's not working. Now my shit just comes out in little party balloons. If anyone has like a cousin's quinceanera coming up, let me know.

I'll provide the balloons. just don't pop them i did start taking birth control though which was cool it was working it was great my skin was looking real hot real fresh i was killing it uh sorry and then i just got lazy and I stopped taking my birth control and my acne got real bad and that's when I realized that acne was my birth control the whole time wow Allie Makovsky yeah

19 out of breath clearly just ran here from the outside of the club completely out of breath clearly just ran here from the outside of the club completely out of breath you have terrible cardio for 19 I'm so out of shape Ralphie May rushed up here

and he wasn't that out of breath you're awesome you're really great I was very impressed you have the poise and the material of someone much older than you. Please do not stop. And those jokes are great. You're fantastic.

Wow, thank you. Very good. And self-deprecating. It's awesome. It's awesome. And Brian's looking at you like, hey, she's legal. Yeah. Allie, that was amazing.

I would love to have you on the Friday Death Squad show. I'd love to do it. Wow, look at that. Fuck yeah. Boom. That's how it happens. There we go. Thank God because none of us wanted to be mean to the 19-year-old girl.

That would have been so uncomfortable. No, if she'd have bombed, we'd have fucking ripped her anew. Oh, yeah, totally. And then she we'd have fucking ripped her anew. And then she would use her psychic powers to attack us. It's a good thing it didn't happen. Are you really on birth control? Not anymore. Wow, look at that. Really snuck it in there.

You filthy monster, Brian. Modern day Romeo. He's got an acne fetish. He's like, your career's popping and so is your face. Giggity. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God.

So, no, you're not really on birth control? No, not right now. Yeah. You still have the pills? Yeah, I do. Just in case. What the fuck is going on here? You fucking people.

I love it, Brian. You could produce more with her than just a podcast. Allie, how long have you been doing stand-up? I just hit a year. Where are you from? I'm from Long Beach. Wow. Yeah.

Fun fact about Allie that I know. When she was a young kid, she was actually a celebrity here in Los Angeles on a local radio station where she would call in and do prank calls as a child. Really? What was your name on the... How many times did you let her use your cell phone from the back of the van? Creepy motherfucker.

I got her her own family plan. Yeah, I used to be on 102.7 Kiss FM with Ryan Seacrest. From like, I started when I was in third grade, and then I stopped in like sixth grade, and I would just prank call businesses and stuff every day of the week. It was dope. Why do you think you're wired that way?

I don't know. Single mom? No, well, I lived with my dad, surprisingly, but yeah, they were divorced, and then I don't know. There's nobody that's funny at 19 that has both parents. That's true. Completely unheard of.

Yeah. Not a lot of stories. We're not read a lot of stories, comedians. You know? Us and strippers. Same shit. Yeah, if this doesn't workians. You know? Us and strippers. Same shit. Yeah, if this doesn't work out, I might have to do stripping. Keep with comedy. Okay.

I could show you webcamming. You don't have to leave the house. Yeah. Plus, you don't want to end up stripping. It doesn't go well with acne. True. The black lights when they hit the whiteheads, it's terrible. And there's acne other places.

You guys have never been at an acne strip club before? What? What kind of strip club are you going to? You're 19. I'd say go out there now. You've got two more weeks to get on MTV's Girl Code and you should be fine. She's got way too many jokes for Girl Code.

She's way too fucking funny. Have you seen it? Seriously, have you fucking seen it? Hey, she's got acne so she could write for it. That's where we belong. She writes funny stuff. They would fucking throw it out. They go, just give us some ponderous shit.

It's MTV. They're fucking retarded. I'll do anything for money. Really? Yeah. Anything? Brian's for money. Really? Anything? Brian's all in, aren't you? What will you do for $70 and some chicken fingers is what Brian

wants to know. That's a lot of money for a 19-year-old. That's like the chores and mowing the lawn, right? She's standing by her hamburger phone waiting for it to ring, Brian. Her swatch phone. Allie, would you ever date somebody like Brian Redband? Oh, no.

Smart. She is fucking smart. I like you more now. That's awesome. That's the horse of truth for that one. Yeah, no shit. There was a... Oh, no. Yeah, no shit. There was a...

Oh, no. No, Brian. There was about to be three regular spots on the show. So you date black guys, huh? I love to say date. Really, they were under the back of the... When Will Lick said these damn kids, he was talking about her. Allie, it's so exciting.

This crazy show can get such a range of people that we've had you, Will X, Jermaine Parra. Oh, those are my favorites. You know these people? I have no idea who they are. You do a lot of open mics and stuff.

I do. I try to do as many as possible. I have no idea who they are. I have no idea. You do a lot of like open mics and stuff around town, right? I do, yeah. I try to do as many as possible. Yeah. It must be frustrating not being allowed in a place that is a comedy haven because you're not 21 yet. I didn't get here until I was 21, so I can't really relate to that. Yeah. I pulled it off for a while, though, sneaking in here.

But, you know. What happened? Where'd it go wrong? I think I thought it was, like, cool, so I told too many people. I was like, I'm young and I'm doing it. And then someone was like, not anymore. Yeah, that sucks. That's all right.

You should have just been 21 for four years and nobody would have caught on. Yeah, probably not. I had the same shit, man. I started at 17. Really? Yeah. Just fucking keep it up. You're great. Thank you. Fantastic. There you go. The future. The future. Allie Makovsky, everybody.

She's coming. You saw her here first. You know what I saw the other day is a comedian who we had on named Drew Lynch who got the golden button thing on America's Got Talent. Drew Lynch is a comedian that has a stutter who we had on and he just blew everybody's minds. And then he just totally killed it on America's Got Talent.

He's like going to do something on it, whatever. He started here. You know what I'm saying? So Ali Makovsky could be the next Drew Lynch. I lost everybody there at some point. Everybody got lost. I love it. Let's bring another comedian up.

Jesse Rothenberg. I'm bad at emotions. I can't really open up. But I have a friend who's really good at them. Is he good at emotions? Fuck. I didn't come nearly as far as her. Fuck. I didn't come nearly as far as her. Okay, so he says to me the other day, shit, he says to me the other day,

you're like the cookie to my milk. And I said, yeah, dude, if I get inside of you, I'll turn soft real quick. I think if I was a cookie, I think if I was a cookie, I'd be an oatmeal raisin cookie as a friend, you know? You don't really want it, but if it's around, you'll take it. It's one of the few things

I have in common with my grandmother that I like oatmeal raisin cookies. We both like oatmeal raisin cookies. We both like The Pricein cookies. We both like The Price is Right. And we both seen my dad's dick a few times. She saw it at the age of

six. I saw it when he was 66. Okay. Fuck yeah. Yeah! Now, Jesse. Jesse. It's the first time Pat Reagan's Now Jesse First time Pat Regan's ever played his guitar By the way In the show history For those of you paying attention to the band leader

Oh and even the mic Even the mic stands like I give up on this fucking guy I can't stands no more Five That's six man That's five You made another one a little while ago

You thought I'd let it go But that's fucking six Yeah That's the werewolf of puns The werewolf of pundin Hit it again Now Jesse You've been making a lot of waves lately London. Hit it again. Now, Jesse, you've been making a lot of waves lately,

running to be the Republican candidate to run for president. It's a joke about his hair, but he's only facing me, so you guys can't actually. There you go. That was like Donald Trump? Yeah. It's a joke about how your hair is like a joke on a joke on a joke that's probably the funniest thing about you. He was like my fucking 6th grade teacher in 82.

Wow. Crazy. You didn't really say your first joke until 27 seconds in because you did so much like, oh, yeah. Why were you so out of breath? You were performing like you just came. I really don't know. I think it's a combo between just not being ready to go and then walking.

Don't walk. Has anyone ever told you that you look like you normally wear glasses? Sometimes. You have the eyes of somebody that needs glasses. You have tiny eyes or something like that. Can you just assure us you won't kill yourself before we continue to make fun of you?

Because I'm really afraid. I'm fine. I feel like this set is going to end with Pearl Jam's Jeremy playing and we're all just going to be frozen. Daddy didn't hold the monster down. Jesse, what do you do for work? I'm an analyst. What are you analyzing?

I analyze the stuff that the company buys to make sure that they're not paying too much, kind of. He has no idea what the fuck he does. Guys, I believe that we lost more money this quarter. I've never heard somebody's job description end in kind of. It's like if Drop Dead Fred didn't believe he existed. Jesse, you're sort of advising a company, analyzing, making sure. No, no, no.

I have a real job. It's just like... There was a time... Do you want me to tell you the real details of it? It's not funny. Yeah, I asked you that. Okay. Ralphie's already singing a cappella.

I work for a consolidated purchasing team, and I make sure that they're utilizing the correct vendors. This is history right here. This is history in the making. Man, why are we smoking fucking weed? Jesus. Jesse, what's we smoking fucking weed? Jesus. Jesse, what's your story? What do you do for fun? I try and do this a lot now.

So you hyperventilate? Yep. Big on that. How old are you, Jesse? I'm 23. Why is your voice still cracking at 23? And why is your hair 74? There it is. There it is.

There it is. You know after this he's gonna go buy a guitar and create a new persona. We're watching the Pat Regan origin story right now. I wish I could be Pat Regan. I love that his voice cracks on every line. Pat Regan.

He hasn't hit comedic puberty. Try growing up like this. It's very difficult. I like the oatmeal joke. The oatmeal joke. Thank you. Because I don't like oatmeal raisin cookies, so I was on board. Yeah.

I thought it was good oatmeal joke. Thank you. Because I don't like oatmeal raisin cookies, so I was on board. Yeah. I thought it was good, too. I like how Pat looks like he just laid down the shit right there. See that? What? Drop the mic, man. I hate oatmeal cookies. Eat a dick. Let's go run off into a forest and teach art history together.

I actually think if you would have had better stage presence, I think you would actually be good. I shit in the bed big time. Your jokes seem like they were okay. I would like to actually see you do another set sometime. Do you wear a one-piece pajama outfit to bed?

You seem like you would. Something with a big zipper that you put your legs into. You zip like you would. Like something with a big zipper that you put your legs into. You zip it up for some reason. I just want... I own a one-piece. And it looks like a giraffe.

That's why they call me the golden pony. I just want someone later... I just want someone later tonight to be like, look, we saw this set. Have you thought about joining the Church of Scientology? I've got high Thetan levels. Jesse, do you get laid a lot? Nope.

Why? Or is it true? I just like bad at speaking to people. So you need to be able to speak to people in order to... Same with the stand-up comic though, also. I mean, that's one of the main parts of it. I'm aware. But this is like you get permission

to talk. It's like, oh, this is your time to talk. I blame the stuttering guy for this. It just seems sort of rude to just talk to someone when they're not expecting. No, it's not. It's called being a freedom of speech, man. You always have permission to talk.

Just so you know, most guys talk their way out of pussy instead of into. Women don't want you to talk to them. They want you to listen to them. Oh yeah, I'm good at that. Perfect. Just stick with it, brother.

Stick with it. I know a Mexican who's got whores if you need to get some pussy. Just piss it over, right? And a 19-year-old girl with a lot of confidence standing outside right now. Willing to do anything for money, as Brian said. And a Mexican named Jermaine that will cut your hair better for you, too. We have everybody on this show that can save your life. And Will X can write you some cool poetry lyrics for you practicing.

And if you need your computer fixed, don't forget me. I'm the guy that was first. I work in a box factory. Micheletti, if you can remember back that far. Fuck yeah, Jesse. So you work with computers mostly, huh? Yeah, Microsoft Excel. When's the last time you've been on a date?

Did you say Microsoft Excel? Yeah. You're in the Windows 97 business? I just want someone to take a picture of this and be like, just so you know, this guy can buy a gun tonight. Fix the loss. When's the last time you were in a movie theater, Jesse? In a movie theater? What's the last time you were in a movie theater, Jesse? In a movie theater

Hey, just because he looks like a train wreck Doesn't mean I saw Ant-Man What? Ant-Man That's the movie you went and saw? Yeah, I got to see it for free That's who I work for

Who do you work for? Paul Rudd? Yep Really? No, I work for You sort of make sure that sort of the things he's who I work for. Who do you work for? Paul Rudd? Really? No, I work for... You sort of make sure that sort of the things he's buying are... I work for Disney. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, I know.

Whoop, whoop. You're one of us. And the summer day, he's gonna be a real boy. Cool car. Fuck yeah. And then Ralphie just sings Poor Unfortunate Souls. How long have you been working for Disney? It'll be a year in like two weeks. Wow.

I love that. That's interesting, man. Well, I think I'll that. That's interesting, man. Well, you want to see my extra spreadsheet? I think you're sexy. I don't have a joke, but I just think... I think you should have all the self-confidence in the world. I like your vibe. I think you don't fit in,

which is... Patrick's trying to fuck you. Yeah, he is. I think you don't fit in with, like like people and society And social interactions Does it give you a boner Patrick? I think comedy is for you I'm on antidepressants Thank you sir

I need like a real big butt girl Alright I would honestly say play up the awkwardness Embrace it If that's who you naturally are Then then be that on stage, and it's okay. So I did that this time, right? Make it a little bit more, I guess, if you're going to go that way, because that just kind of seemed uncomfortable.

Hey, who else's name is in the bucket? Let's do that. Jesse Rottenberg, everybody. He's on Twitter at Jesse underscore the underscore human. Jesse the human. Jesse the human. I really did think he was going to kill himself and wanted to give one last compliment. No, we've had zero suicides.

We've had zero suicides here on Kill Tony. I was just informed we've had seven suicides. And only three of them are Will X's children. I was just informed we've had seven suicides and 120 suicides killed, Tony. And only three of them are Will X's children. I pulled another name out of the bucket, everybody, and the name that I pulled is

Peter Garcia, everyone. Peter Garcia. Peter Garcia well this might be the first time somebody killed themselves before coming on okay here we go Peter Garcia everybody what's up guys how's it going so I am Mexican and I actually do mow lawns for a living I really do mow lawns for a living. I really do. That's not funny.

What keeps me going and what keeps me actually mowing lawns is my dad's motto. He goes, look, mijo, mow lawns, mow money. And I'm just like, whoa. If stand-up doesn't really work out for me, then I guess I'll keep it going. I also just recently got married, not because I wanted to, because I was tricked into it. Women are sneaky, man. You think you're playing a nice, friendly game of chess with them, and out of nowhere, they're just like, checkmate, bitch, and you're just like, what the fuck? That one didn't hit so well. But when I got engaged, I was telling people that I got engaged, they were like, why? Is she pregnant? I'm like, no, why would you ask that?

They're like, well, obviously, you're Mexican. I'm like, no, why would you ask that? They're like, well, obviously you're Mexican. I'm like, no, that's not why. I made sure she wasn't pregnant. Every time we would go on a date, I'd greet her with a quick one-two to the body. Not too hard, but hard enough. Okay. Fuck yeah. By the way, that wasn't the cat sound.

That was the sound of his girlfriend. By the way, that wasn't the cat sound. That was the sound of his girlfriend. Now, Peter, one thing that I noticed about you and your style in particular is that not only are you the performer when you're performing, but you're also your audience member when you're performing. Nobody in the room laughed harder at those punchlines than you did. And on the one that nobody laughed at, you immediately said, well, that didn't work. You basically heckled yourself right into your own microphone.

Gotta beat me to the punch. Fuck yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my seventh time on stage. Seventh time on stage. And his voice cracks in memory of the late Jesse Rothenberg who we found out did kill himself. There it is again. Two shots I guess.

I believe it's his Sieta time on stage. When did Mike Lawrence run out of funny fuel right there? That's two. I'm just like trying to figure out what he was saying. I don't even know what that means. Explain it to me later. I thought he was great, man. I'm just trying to figure out what you're saying. I don't even know what that means. Okay, explain it to me later.

I thought he was great, man. I thought you were funny, man. And for seven times in, you're way funnier than what you should be. All right? You're way funnier than what you should be. You should be the dick up here, but you did good, man. Oh, thank you so much. I mean, that one joke fucking stunk it up.

But that's all right. You can do that. Peter, what do you do for work it up, but that's all right. We can do that. Peter, what do you do for work? Landscaping. Oh, wow. I was hoping and praying you were kidding. Oh, no.

I thought you were making it like, hey, I'm a big stereotype after the black guy pulled out a bottle of Hennessy earlier. I guess you weren't. I'm fucking blown. Your mind would have been blown if you said astrophysicist. It's a good thing you... It would have been pretty blown. It's a good thing you mow lawns for a living and don't fix mic stands. Because you were having some trouble with... He was having trouble with the mic stand.

Wow. For those of you that definitely weren't paying attention, Pat Reagan, the mic stand police over here. You know what? I got a different vantage point. I'm looking at people's fingers. I'm looking at their pockets. I'm looking at their mic stands. You're looking at all the things that none of the viewers of the show want to look at.

And there you go. I mean, I think that it's good, like, beginner comedy, but it is so basic and so stereotypical that you should eventually branch out because there were good jokes but I feel

there was no there was no like I just got bored with what you were saying. I'm sorry. Whoa. Whoa. Hey man he's got fucking balls for fucking seven times in.

You know? You got to give him that. Yeah, but also the Mexican jokes that I've heard before. Of course. That have been lived before and are being lived. Okay? Stereotypes do happen. I know, but you have to eventually expand upon just that.

Of course. Seven times. Okay. Jesus, Dad. No, no. Thank you. Of course, seven times. Okay. Jesus, Dad. No, no, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I really need the criticism.

Do a tag joke. I got married because I turned 18. That's funny. I'm Mexican, all right? And take the angle. I mean, if you're going to do stereotypes, fucking take it all the way, bro. Yeah. I mean, don't fucking go half-assed but you need to know that only in the extreme when you go that way i mean like the fucking way the fuck out okay is it

funny anything in between is just going to be hack okay all right so it's going to be a really fucking narrow thing for you to walk all right it's like you have to take it to a fucking like bernie mack did with the fucking black guy and being late and fucking how he took it to the extreme is why it was funny. Talking about the fucking kids like Robin Harris did. All right. What Will X did, he just took it like. Yeah, you got to commit one way or the other all the way and just commit all the way because the grass is always greener on the other side. But of course, you know that.

Because he's a fucking landscaper, everybody. Remember, you fucking idiots? But we're going to move ahead. Peter Garcia, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at PeterRNC. Guys, this is the final part of the show. We made it to where the two regulars every single week since the show started,

we've had the same two comedians do a brand new 60 seconds every single week. So these two assassins are the Kill Tony regulars. Put your hands together for your first comedian tonight. You know her from Dissentary. You know her from Kill Tony. It's the one and only Sarah Weinshank, everybody. What's up?

I remember my mom putting me to bed early in the 90s so she could just watch Married with Children and use her Thighmaster without me getting in the way of her workout. And it's weird because my mom is a smart woman, but she put something that resembled a bent abortion hanger between her legs in an attempt to shape her thighs because chrissy from three's company told her to do so on an infomercial i couldn't sleep the other night because i couldn't stop thinking about how fucking ridiculous the thigh master is so I looked it up online.

Turns out the same dude who invented the mood ring also invented the Thighmaster. Two very legitimate products. Guys, from 1976 until the late 90s, this dude was controlling your bitch's mood and mastering her thighs while getting paid for it.

Wow. I love that. I'd say switch it up and talk about how you found out that the inventor of the Thighmaster also made the mood ring first and do the mood ring stuff and then talk about how your mom did it. What would you say about your mom using it? Is the Thighmaster really still a thing? Yeah, and then talk about how your mom did it. What would you say about your mom using it?

Is the Thighmaster really still a thing? Yeah, and it vibrates now. Yeah, it does. Wait a second. It's plug-in, right? It's plug-in. It vibrates, and women can put the Thighmaster upside down and just sit on it. Does it rotate slowly? No.

So we haven't cured cancer, but the Thighmaster does more things? Yeah. That's good. The abortion line, I don't know if it's necessary, because I think that kind of got us out of the... Do yourself a favor. Write out your whole act, okay? And then take out every unnecessary word to get to the joke.

You're too verbal. That's what young comics, that's the biggest problem young comics have, is they don't, they talk too much. Right. Well, with this one, I knew that the funniest line was in the mood ring one, and I just couldn't figure out where to put it,

because I wanted to end on it. Right. And so I felt like a little over, like, I don't know, I just didn't know what else to do with the Thighmaster for a minute. Yeah, it's an interesting, I don't even think i've heard of the thymaster in like 10 years just squeeze more material pun pun werewolf is that a pun oh yeah i guess it is

i always think like instead of like a thymaster like if i was like like you know this is kind of dirty but you could just like be like, this is kind of dirty, but you could just like be like, now this is not a suggestion or a pitch for your act, Sarah, but what's about to happen right now? I'm putting it in my act. Hey, Ralphie, can you say the thing about cutting words out again?

Well, you know, I go by, I'm a personality. So. Yeah, and the personalities with a strap on your shoulder so alright Pat were you gonna finish

that fucking thing that you were is this still part of Mike Lawrence's question or what's happening here I scared the fuck out of me man I defer oh man this is gonna be so weird and dirty anyway Jesse Rothenberg just killed himself again I scared the fuck out of me, man. I defer.

Oh, man. This is going to be so weird and dirty anyway. Jesse Rothenberg just killed himself again, everybody. That's how bad of a set he had. He's the first person to kill himself twice after a set. He was the first zombie to have their voice crack. Wait. Like, what if your mom, instead of using a Thighmaster, was just using your dad eating her out? And, like, squeezing her head?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is the thing you've been setting up for four minutes? You're more like the Psymaster. That's nine, motherfucker. That's nine. Hit it again. Get that werewolf. Oh, shit. What did you. Hit it again. Get that werewolf.

Oh, shit. What did you say about your mom using it? Well, I was going to just, okay, because I had other shit that I took out about how in LA, like, people who weren't brave enough to take fen-fen got the Thighmaster. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's great. But I didn't know what to keep and what not to keep Like I over-read it Wrote it

I over-wrote it So I kind of was having trouble with placement And by the way they also use cocaine and meth A lot of fun stuff Very thinning Well you did it again Another minute Sarah Weinshank everybody

She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. Wow. He played and sang a little bit on that one. For those of you paying attention. Kick me in the stomach and spit in my face. Alright, he's just going into an entire song right now, everybody. There he goes.

Full Commitment by Pat Reagan. I think we've inspired Pat here tonight. Guys, your final comedian of the night. Her very first time performing on stage was here a hundred some episodes ago, and she's written and performed a brand new minute every single week since.

It's the one, the only, Kimberly Congdon. Woo! Thank you. Guys, I went drinking last week. Got pretty drunk and ended up having really crazy sex. If you don't know what that is, that's when you have sex with a guy and then check his text messages when he's sleeping. That's what I do women are crazy

we're revengeful I think that the worst thing you could do is mess with a woman ever you should never mess with her because we'll always get revenge do you know a guy there's a guy right now that should be sweating pretty hard right now. And that's Bill Clinton.

Because if Hillary gets elected and doesn't get eaten out in the Oval Office, it was for nothing. There are actually no winners there because that poor intern's got to eat that old box. There it is. Yeah. Another new minute from Kimberly Congdon. So fun. That's awesome.

Fuck yeah. I love that joke. She's opening up for you, right? Yeah. She's doing a guest set on Friday, both shows, in front of 550 people. Yeah.

And she got it, Young Comics, by A, being fucking funny and doing something crazy like asking. It's fucking amazing. I'd like to open up some time for you Ralphie I'd love to have you on man

hey Ralphie I promise I'll do no more puns I swear I'm a good boy yeah see I love that I love the crazy sex thing

that's so fun hilarious thank you that's awesome is that a new joke yeah that's great yeah they're both pretty now I think the crazy sex one was a tweet I wrote like Crazy sex thing. That's so fun. Hilarious. Thank you. That's awesome. Was that a new joke? Yeah. That's great.

Yeah, they're both pretty new. I think the crazy sex one was a tweet I wrote like months and months ago. That's actually happened to me so many times too, where you wake up and the girlfriend's on your phone, going through your phone, and now with the thumbprint thing where you're sleeping, you can just like touch it. Oh my God. What kind of people are you dating?

That's the weirdest way to brag about you fucking a lot. Yeah, that happens to me all the time. She puts my thumb through my hole. But that's real shit. I wonder if we could put a phone up to Will X's shirt and unlock one of his kids' iPhones. Remember that? Guy with the

handprints on his shirt? Oh, there he is, representing. Lifting up the shirt. Will X. There you go. Fuck yeah. I didn't actually need the human prop for that, but I'm glad that you committed. In the crazy sex joke, you say sex like three or four times.

It's just a minor thing. Switch up the different words so it doesn't sound monotonous. Say like hooked up with a guy. Banged. Hooked up. You don't have to say fuck, but that would be funny in the punchline. Stooped.

Stooped. Slammed. She just turned into a 70-year-old Jew. What the fuck are you doing, Patrick? Stooped. What's stooped? Spadwinkled. Fuck yeah, there you go.

Another new minute from Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Great job. There she goes. Guys. I like a writer, man. Believe it or not, we made it through another episode of Kill Tony. Ryan J.E. Belt drew the episode. Let's see what happened.

Put your hands together for the great Ryan J.E. Belt. And for the amazing art that you're seeing right now. From the start of the episode to now. That's awesome. Wow, the horse of truth is in it. That is amazing. That's great, man. First time the horse of truth has made it into the drawing.

That's great. If you see Ryan walking around, be sure to take a look at that close up because it's mind-blowing. That's fucking amazing, man. Yeah, he's a freak of nature. That's great, man. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at Ryan J. E. Belt, one of the best artists ever. That guy didn't draw me fat. No, no.

He knows better. The pen takes off. Fuck you. You got seven chins too. Shut the fuck up. Whoa. I'll go over and erase the whole fucking thing. Everybody knows that the pen and paper takes off 300 pounds.

So, uh, here we go. Fuck, I'm still fat. That's how fucked I am. Can you draw Kim Congdon in a Slave Leia costume choking him right before set on Friday? Jesus Christ. Wow. Kim Congdon in a slave Leia costume choking him right before his set on Friday. With Tony sitting on his lap going Oh my god. Wow, really painting the picture there.

I love comedy from feature acts. Ralphie May, you have specials on Netflix. Anything else you want to promote? Nokia Theater, November 6th. Do you want to come? Nokia Theater, November 6th. Do you want to come out? Mike Lawrence?

Oh, I'm here the next two months, so say hi. Oh, I'm at The Independent in San Francisco, October 4th. The Mike Lawrence on Twitter, right? Yep, The Mike Lawrence. Josh Martin Comic is the producer. At Kimberly Congdon. At Princess Shank. At Patty Reagan.

P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Catch me at Toronto, just for laughs, 42, JFL 42 at the end of September. And Oddball, yeah, me, Oddball, amphitheaters, bitches. Beginning of October in Tampa and Atlanta. Brian Redman. Phoenix, Arizona with Tony. Yes, September 17th. See you guys.

Bye, everybody. Thank you, live audience. All in. It's all or nothing baby. I didn't know he did it. We are in the show. you you