KILL TONY - KILL TONY #117

Episode Date: September 22, 2015

Sarah Silverman, Doug Benson, Bruce Buffer, Allison Macofsky, Melissa Eslinger, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 08/17/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony, the final chapter of Volume 2. This episode and all the episodes can always be found on iTunes by searching Death Squad. Starting next episode, Kill Tony will also have its own iTunes feed, so keep an eye out for Kill Tony Volume 3 on iTunes. If you want to go to the Death Squad Kill Tony live show, it's every Monday at 8 p.m. at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. Every Tuesday, we got the Roast Battle, which is the podcast verbal violence. Also, Friday, we have the Death Squad Ice House show. Every Friday at the Ice House in Pasadena. We do a comedy show.

And we also do the Ice House Chronicles. It's a great night to go there. It's 10 o'clock every Friday. We also have a Death Squad secret show coming up soon. And me and Tony are coming to Ohio and Pittsburgh. Around Thanksgiving. Look for all the details when this is announced very soon by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates.

Also, you can go to ShopSquad.tv for all the Death Squad merchandise, including the new 3D striped hat and t-shirt, which is on pre-order. So order it right now if you want to get in on it because it's a small run we're only making a little bit of these and a lot of the stuff at shop squad.tv is now really limited edition so if you want a t-shirt you gotta kind of get it when it comes out or it's going to be gone forever also check out tonyhingecliff.com for all his merch and his tour dates he's all over the place so check it out all right guys here's the final chapter of

kill tony volume two hey this is red band company alive from the road-famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode, final chapter of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Here we are, everybody. Yeah, it's almost like a real show,

everyone. Happy Monday to you. Hi, everyone. It's like a real live crowd. This is exciting. Another fun episode of Kill Tony put your hands together for Brian Redband everybody the man the man behind the sound effects that you'll hear

and all the crazy shit that happens throughout the night keep it going for your band leader Pat Reagan everybody who you just saw he melted yeah it's very interesting he's one of the only people that misses his own introduction week after week. It's really I don't know where he goes after he plays music. There was a lot of problems today. A lot of a lot of problems. I thought we all got here early today, Tony. I thought we were all setting up everything, making everything smooth. Fuck yeah. Pat Reagan, everybody. He's coming down any second.

You know him. You love him. There he is. Who gives a fuck? He obviously doesn't. And put your hands together for house artist Ryan J. Ebelt, everyone. Here he is. Starting off with a blank sheet of paper. He draws the episode. At the end of the episode, we reveal his amazingly quick and efficient drawing of tonight's

episode, which hasn't even really started yet. Yet he's drawing. So who knows what he's drawing? Probably nothing like Pat Reagan. Pat, how you doing? Welcome back. There he is. Our one-man band, Pat Reagan, everybody. They're done clapping for you.

No, don't clap now. Nobody clap. How you doing, Pat? I'm doing pretty good, man. I mean, this is a hot fucking mess. I love Tony texted everyone on the show before. He's like, everyone get to the show early. This is going to be a big show.

Let's make it smooth. Yeah. And then, so where do you go after you play music? I put my guitar up. Up where? In my case. So I don't want to leave it out. That's a different guitar?

That's a prop guitar? No, no, no. That's an acoustic guitar, and this is called an electric guitar. Holy shit. We got to figure out a smoother system. Maybe Josh Martin, the run-around producer, accident-prone Josh Martin, can handle your guitars from now on.

Get up for Josh Martin, ladies and gentlemen. Why don't we do that, Pat? It's been a crazy week in comedy. We could talk about the fat you. We could talk about so many things. We could talk about so many things. We could talk about gigs we have coming up. But I want to get this episode going. So you guys down for that?

Is that okay that we just start the episode? Every week I have two of my funniest friends and two of the best comedians in the world on this show. And this week's no different. Put your hands together for the amazing Sarah Silverman and Doug Benson, everybody. Wow. It's true.

Doug Benson. Sarah Silverman. Wow. Sarah, come sit down. Doug's done the show a bunch, so let's bookend it. Sarah Silverman and Doug Benson, everybody. They're here.

Hello. Hello. Doug, you're one of our most regular regulars. I'm so regular. How are things going? Things are great. I love that you played the power of love to bring me us out here because we have the power of love. But also I'm wearing my Back to the Future October 21st 2015 shirt because that is the date we're finally there where Marty McFly goes to the future when that movie was made millions of years ago.

future when that movie was made millions of years ago. And I'm going to be doing an interruption of that movie in San Francisco at the Castro Theater on October 21st. Wow! Yeah, I'm very excited.

Wow! Can anybody guess who wore a shirt tonight specifically to promote a show? I'll give you one guess. It's Doug Benson, everybody. That was very smooth. I'm promoting.

I'm doing the 20th anniversary of the Dexys Midnight Runners. Dexys Midnight Runners. I love it. Welcome to the show. Sweet reference that everybody got. Come on, Eileen. I love it. The baby boy. I love it. Welcome to the show. Sweet reference that everybody got. Come on, Eileen. I love it. I love it.

Would you bring a big bottle of moonshine? What the hell is this? It's water. In a glass bottle. It's called celebrity water. It's heated in trucks and plastic leeches. It's my new fear this week. You got your own special glass bottle. love it i love it guys every every single week instead of me asking the guests a question before we see a bunch of

comedians do a new 60 seconds i always have pat reagan ask the guests a question something that he wants to know about uh about the guests it always interesting. You never know exactly what he's going to ask. Pat, why don't you go ahead? Alright. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Pat. Sarah. I'm such a fan. Thank you, Sarah. Me too. How would you describe... Whoa, the horse of truth coming out early tonight.

Alright. You might recognize that sound at first appearing a couple months ago. The horse of truth comes when something honest has been said. Maybe somebody's a little nervous tonight or something today. Pat, you seem a little different tonight. You have glitter on your face, too. Do you know that?

Do I? Are you sweating? I can see the glimmer. Sweating like a motherfucker. Sarah, how would you describe sex with Dave Vettel? You fucking piece of shit, Pat Reagan. If I get the same question, I'm walking.

A great experience and a great first love. Oh! Wait a second. You put that horse as specific to me but that's my own thing. I did have a joke at that time because I was 20. Never mind.

Maybe it's not interesting, but I went home to New Hampshire, and my mom and I were hanging out in the... Hold on, I'm a woman and I talk this way. My mother and I were hanging out in the bathroom. You know, she's like peeing, and I'm getting into the shower, because that's how women... That's how the secret life of women, that is just obvious to most people here who have vaginas.

life of women that is just obvious to most people here who have vaginas. And there was a bruise on my ass the exact shape of a hand. And my mother's like, Sarah, what is that? And I was like, I'm dating a man that spanks me

and that's the mark from his hand. I think we've run out of time for my question. I'm sorry. Doug, you did this to me Pat, what's your question for Doug Benson? Doug, okay What is My friend Dan was telling me today

That he thinks circumcision is Genital mutilation What is your opinion on circumcision Sub-question, are you circumcised? Yeah, I am. Fuck yeah. The party has begun, everyone. And I'm alright with it, because that's...

When it's not circumcised, it's kind of weird. Right? Wrong. Whoa, again, the horse of truth. This horse is a bumpin' tonight. Well, guys, great questions, Pat. Let's get right into the show.

Over 40 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do 60 Seconds tonight. They sign up, they perform uninterrupted, and then we talk to them about anything. Maybe we ask them questions about their life. Maybe we give them a tip. Maybe we make fun of them. Anything can happen. Who knows what can happen.

Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's adorable. Everybody hear that? Let's hear it one more time. It's really quiet tonight which makes me believe that some people are going to go over their time.

And if you go over your time, and please don't do this, you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's unbelievable. There you go. Nice build to that. Two, two, two, two. It's unbelievable that, you know, we have to basically yell into these mics for the audience to hear us,

but somehow magically Brian's able to make that bear shake the other side of the room. They're having the Rowdy Roddy Piper Memorial right now in the main room, and I'm pretty sure... He would have wanted it that way. Exactly, right? Yeah, something like that. But hell, we got him back for their bagpipes earlier. So revenge is sweet. That's what the bagpipes were?

Yeah. There's bagpipes. Yeah, I'm a good friend of Rowdy Roddy Piper. And he's actually been on this show twice before and gave amazing advice. So Google those episodes if you're interested. I thought those bagpipers were here because it was a special episode called Kilt Tony. Boom. Boom. Boom.

That's how I do it. Fucking amazing. He wrote that in just 40 seconds. So a bunch of comedians signed up and they do 60 seconds and then we talk to them. You guys ready for this? It's Kilt Tony with Sarah Silverman and Doug Benson. And your first comedian

tonight goes by the name of Bruce Gray. Here we go. Wow. What's up, guys? I was watching that show Taboo yesterday and I saw a guy on there

And he wanted everyone to feel bad for him Because he had over 100 orgasms every day Yeah, he was complaining And he was on there He tried to make everyone feel bad for him By saying, how would you feel If you were kneeling over your father's casket And you had nine consecutive orgasms?

And I thought to myself, I would be fucking exhausted. I could not. I'm usually a one and done guy. But nine in a row. Nine orgasms can really trump the sorrow of a dead dad, I also think. Maybe. My dad's still alive, but you never know. That's it for me, guys. Thank you. Fuck yeah. 50 seconds.

50 seconds of Bruce Gray. I gotta tell you, first of all, Bruce, you are the funniest 11-year-old lesbian that I've ever had on this show. Yeah. I'm really excited about that. He's the Fallout boy. You ever played a video game Fallout?

Or the Campbell's Soup guy? I know what you're talking about, but I haven't played the game. You look like a kid who would be in an 80s movie where they find a dead body. Railroad track. Did you ever find a dead body before? No, I haven't. Are you ticklish? Brian's favorite questions.

That's a good question. Normally he saves that question for a female comedian, but tonight he fired it up on Bruce Gray. That's a lesbian, right? Oh, yeah. So, Bruce, how long have you been doing stand-up? Three years last month. Doug, you have the mic up to your mouth.

I want to know what you're going to say right now. No, I'm just ready. I love it. I'm not like Sarah, leaving it on the table i'm ready to go if it comes to me fired off dog but speaking of coming um that bit uh maybe there's something in how disgusting it is to have so many orgasms all day long like your pants would be disgusting yeah it's and you would probably slip and fall in it everywhere you go. I usually talk about being sticky.

I just didn't want to go over it. Yeah, you didn't want to go over it. It takes more than 10 seconds to talk about being sticky. So you played it right, I think. And for your dad's funeral, like a dad's funeral, if you'd have a rental tuxedo and you'd be cumming in those rental pants.

Lose your deposit. Maybe a tag could be, if you're over your dad's coffin, something like, after all the humiliation and everything, you can mention that you came all over his tits. My dad is shirtless in his coffin. But also, you have an essence of unlimited potential. So you just have to do it a lot. Thank you.

Because you want to just try to be the closest thing to whoever you are, which is who knows who they are. That's a whole other thing. So far we just know he's a guy who watches Taboo. I don't even know what Taboo is. I just thought it was a board game. But he watches it, yeah. What is that show?

It's about weird people. It was that guy, and then there was a lady who fakes being in a wheelchair all day long. Like she can walk. How many orgasms does she have a day? I don't know. That wasn't mentioned. And is she at Disneyland? Because that's a great place to fake that you're in a wheelchair.

That's front of the line access, my friends. Bruce, at the end of this episode, was there any resolution to this guy's problem? Does he just keep counting in his pants over and over again? No, he kind of just wanted to get his problem out there and let people know that he is coming as we speak. Monetize it.

It could be like, you know, Steve Cream Jeans. What's his name? What's whose name? Steve Cream Jeans. I'm ceasing and desisting. Bruce. Yes. Where are you from?

I live in Bakersfield, California. Wow. Yes. Hey, you stuck as a joke with a punchline that's Bakersfield. Well, it was, you know, it was a joke that the punchline changed based on where I was telling the joke. It was like a local reference kind of joke. That's how you make things work. You're so good.

Yeah, so I don't slam Bakersfield while I'm in Florida. I take it back. Bakersfield's pretty shitty everywhere in the world. But that's... Are there open mics in the shows. But that's... Are there open mics in the shows there that you can do? There's a few. I put on two open mics a week in a monthly show.

Wow, I love that. Oil City Comedy. Like it on Facebook. While I'm here. Is there a lot of oil up there? Yeah, it's like all it is. A lot of dinosaur bones around there. Wow, interesting. What was your childhood like being raised in Bakersfield?

Kind of... There's kind of a really shitty area that's all meth and then there's a normal area where i live that's kind of just like we know i kind of like that show friday night lights is like the area but then there's meth i love that you still represent i noticed that you did the uh that you did the you know the pistol gun shoot after you said Bakersfield and not a lot of people from Bakersfield. No, man. I get shit on a lot for that everywhere I go. So I'm holding strong. Yeah.

There's a finger pistol thing with Bakersfield? He did it. You didn't see it? I saw it, but is that like the Bakersfield like cornbread white gang sign? Anyway. Oh, Pat Reagan. There he goes. He just shot himself for the podcast listeners.

Guys. Bruce. Yes. You've been doing it three and a half years? Three years and a month. You're adorable. By my count, that's five months short of half a month. You're adorable. By my count, that's five months short of half a year. You seem like you could play every young stoned movie star.

You have such a likable face. Thank you. I hope that pans out. You look like Jeff Bridges' kid that he doesn't acknowledge. I think you have a young Chris Pratt likability. Yes. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you. he doesn't acknowledge. I think you have a young Chris Pratt-like ability. Yes, Chris Pratt. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you.

Chris Pratt, before he worked out and became a movie star. Chris Phat, everybody. Sorry, Sarah. I could tell Sarah doesn't want me to be mean tonight. No, no, that's not true. I want you to express yourself

however you see fit. I love you. Ladies and gentlemen, that was the styles of Bruce Gray, everybody you see fit. I love you. Ladies and gentlemen, that was the styles of Bruce Gray, everybody. Thank you. There he goes. Good job, dude. Got a tag. He's on Twitter at Bruce Gray.

He's the only Bruce Gray on Twitter. Isn't it funny? It's like when you ask how long someone's been doing it, when you are just starting out, you want to say, it's like saying, I'm 12 and a half. You know? And then when you, as you get older, you're like, I've just been, I don't know. Yeah, a few years. Been dabbling for a little

while. I would say that you've been doing it, like, say that you've been doing it a year and people will be like, oh my god, you're so good. Yeah. That's the trick. We've had a lot of people say that it's their first time here. A lot of people actually come here to start and sometimes I wonder if they're lying or not. Tonight actually is Pat Reagan's first time doing stand-up comedy, though.

So it's good to have him here. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is Jack Rydell. Come on, guys. Give it up for Jack, guys. Give it up. Jack, guys. Give it up. Jack Rydell. Hey, how is everybody? Good.

I'm new to Los Angeles. Coming out to Los Angeles, I was really surprised. Everything's a lot shittier than they describe it on television. Mainly, I was really disappointed in the hollywood sign like it's really pathetic to me like i mean i know it's kind of like far away you can't really see it that easily it's on this big body of land big mountain uh to me it looks like my dick on my body that's kind of like like it's not so bad but on that big of a piece of mass it looks pretty fucking pathetic

that's pretty much it that's the only joke I can think of 40 seconds it's hard well I'm in I'm in Hollywood and I have a small dick so here we go

it's not small it just looks small it's actually a pretty good size I'm in Hollywood, and I have a small dick, so here we go. It's not small. It just looks small. It just, yes, under the circumstances. It's actually a pretty good size. If it were on a hill, it would look small. It's a classic proportion joke. What is amazing is that you only did 40 seconds, so while talking about your short dick, you also kept it short on stage.

I'm very impressed. A lot of people with small dicks will try to do a minute and a half, and I just won't allow it. If you had two minutes, what would you talk about next? The giganticness of your balls? No, I don't have anything about my balls. They're generally...

Dude, you gotta get some ball material. What about your butthole? Do you clean it? Oh my god, Brian. Really? This soon? Normally you warm up to the butthole jokes. You're starting off with butthole? Do you clean it? Oh my god, Brian. Really? This soon? Normally you warm up to the butthole jokes. You're starting off with butthole tonight? What about your butthole? Jack, do you ever talk about sweating profusely on stage?

No, but people... Yeah, I mean, it's hot up here. It's hot here. I'm fat and from the East Coast. What part of the East Coast? Philly? I'm from Philadelphia, yeah. I could tell. There's a certain cheesesteak shape.

Exactly. Yeah. And how long have you been on stand-up? About five years. You talk about being from Philly a lot? A little bit, not that much, no, no, no. How long have you been in L.A. for? Only like a month and a half. I was

doing stand-up in New York and Philly for like five years. Did you just move here? I did, yes. Oh, awesome. Congratulations. Thank you. What part of LA do you live in? I live in like Fairfax, Hollywood area. What's the address? What's your social? What's your Starbucks drink?

I don't really go to Starbucks all that much. Good for you. I'm more of a tea guy. Bad for you. Really? Oh, you just drink like the shittiest kind I don't really go to Starbucks all that much. Good for you. I'm more of a tea guy. Bad for you. I don't drink. Really? Yeah. Oh, you just drink like the shittiest kind of tea. Exactly.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I don't. I mean, I'm not going to go out and like. Have an iced mint tea. I'll try an iced mint tea. You like it. It's refreshing. We know you love mint ice cream. So just try it with the tea.

Mint chocolate chip, everybody. Come on. I get a lot of fat jokes. You're a little overweight, but you're so young. You could just cut out fried foods and sodas, get your sweat on twice a week, and be like a heartthrob. I've actually lost like 15 pounds since I moved out here. It's amazing.

And that was just on stage here tonight, everybody. Just really impressive. The Kill Tony weight loss plan working. Thank you. I appreciate that. Okay, I'll take that delayed sound effect. I don't know what that means. Me neither. Brian, do you have an explanation for that sound effect?

Yeah, that's a positive message. Positive message, yeah. You gotta look at the positives like losing weight. Jack, how do you think you've lost 15 pounds since being here? Cocaine, right? Yeah, pretty much.

Just tons of cocaine. Just so much. Meth, too. We don't really have that on the East Coast that much, so it's fresh out here, so it's great meth. Really? You do drugs, or are you making a joke? No, I don't know.

That's not fair. That could kill even the best joke. Oh, are you being... Is that a joke you just told? Well, I mean, nobody was laughing when I asked. Jack, what's your favorite hobby? I don't really have a lot. I mean, I play guitar a little bit. I don't really have a lot I mean I play guitar a little bit

I don't really have hobbies though what makes you laugh when you were growing up what were you like what killed you and what are you into I like stupid shit I mean I don't know I feel like I have a pretty messed up sense of humor so like anything that kind of just

either was silly or just super dark I liked all of that sort of stuff. Doug. What? What do you have to say to Jack? Great job. Doug, you're in the belly room of the comedy store right now. Sometimes you have to remind Doug

of where he is exactly. Where the hell am I? I see some sort of neon of W.C. Fields over there, so I think I might be at an old, old movie festival. I'll tell you this, Jack. I could use another drink. That's all I have to say right now. Josh, another Doug Benson.

Thank you. Bring me a Doug Benson. Basically just bong water on ice. I love the fact, Jack, that you after being here a month and a half, you have a funny topical, I mean a localized bit that also

you're making fun of yourself in. I think that's so cool that you're doing that. Do you do the road a lot? While I would do stand-up in Philly, I would do stand-up in Philly. I would do stand-up in New York. I would go to Connecticut and do a bunch of different little stuff up there. But not too much, no.

I mean, I'm only 21. I started when I was really young. Good for you. That's great. The younger, the better, right, Sarah? So, yeah. That wasn't a slam i first time i saw her do stand-up she wasn't even 21 yet no the younger the better is also jared from subway's new

motto a lot of people know that yeah that's of course he's talking about freshness you just have to get your 10 000 hours in 10 000 hours well i mean i i. The first time I ever did stand-up, I was 11. I had done it for an improv group. They were like, does anyone want to do stand-up? You're up there like, my dick's the size of the Hollywood sign. I've been working on that joke. That was the culmination of 10 years

of working on that joke. When I was 14, 15, I started playing the club circuit in Philly. on that joke. But no, when I was like 14, 15, I started playing the club circuit in Philly and then... Oh, you should be much better. This is scary. My problem was

is that I couldn't think of something to do for just a minute. Normally my stuff's much longer played out than that. Yeah, that's a... People have to make

that adjustment when they come to kill Tony. I had written this the other day and I was like, I'll just try this. Well, you nailed it. That's one of the fun things about this show is you get to meet interesting people with an interesting background like Jack Rydell, a 21-year-old

coming out of nowhere, everybody. There he is, Jack Rydell. He's on Twitter at Jack Rydell. R-I-D-E-L-L. Found him here. Doug, were you on the episode with the stuttering kid? What? The kid with the stutter that was really funny?

I don't think so. Drew Lynch? Drew Lynch. America's Got Talent. Yeah, he just killed it. He got the golden bucket the other day. Kill Tony. Kill Tony regular.

He was just at the cellar. Yeah. Oh, wow. He's great. He performed there? Yeah, but I missed him. Are you going to draw his name next? Why did you bring that up?

No, I was just asking because I was going to tell you about being... Must be fun picking the names. I'll let you pick the next one. Oh, boy. I already picked one. You get the next one.

All right. This name that I picked, though, goes by the name of Fabian Gonzalez. Oh, that's an exotic name. That's cool, man. Ain't nobody really good right now with some cereal milk. Why don't you just give me the goal?

I don't want to work, eat cinnamon toast crunch. I already know what I want. But maybe that's what makes the cereal milk delicious. Because you worked so hard for it. Just put it in a bottle already. Here you go. God. Enjoy.

Dumb ideas, man. No one's ever on board with any of my ideas. Except babies. There's always a baby on board. You drive around long enough, you figure out babies are really supportive. And why wouldn't they be? Like a baby doesn't know they're supposed to have a father?

Keep going. Sorry, baby. Next time. Thank you. My name is Fabian. I love that. Wow. Sorry, baby. Next time. Thank you. My name is Fabian. Thank you. I love that. Wow.

Fabian Gonzalez. Very impressive. Now, you introduced yourself to me Friday at the Ice House, am I right? Yeah. And what did you say to me? That I was nervous. I was here last Monday and I was really nervous. I'm still nervous.

Have you done stand-up before? Yeah. Other places? Not really. I moved out here to do this. You stand-up before? Other places? Not really. I moved out here to do this. You just started, right? A year and a half. Wow. That's incredible. Moved here from where? Long Beach.

Oh, okay. Not a big move. Shortest distance of all the comedians. How many U-Hauls did you have to... Well, I guess I thought you were doing it less time because you explained to me Friday at the Ice I thought you were doing it less time because you explained to me Friday at the Ice House that you were so nervous to do this show.

Yeah. But is that your style anyway? The way you just spoke? Or was that nervous speaking? Because I love your style. I love that. I love that super low-key kind of approach. It reminded me of Gene Pompa a little bit.

Yeah, a little bit. Exactly. And that's a coincidence, the Mexican-ish thing. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't because of the Mexican thing. But Gene Pompa is like that, too. Yeah. Do you know him?

Yeah, I've seen him. He's great. Yeah, I heard that pitch. You're great. You're a great comic. Yeah. And what's amazing is this is your first time on the show and whatever it is your energy

combined with your writing that's about as good as it gets in 60 seconds a lot of people come up and say I normally do a longer set and I had to do this but you were getting laughs immediately you just rolled with it and it goes to show how good it can go

and we want to know what he was going to say next when the fucking cat stepped in. Dude, your stage presence is so funny. You have like a scared straight vibe, but I can't tell whether you're the inmate or the kid getting

scared. You should always ask them to play super hard music like that when you come on and dress like that. And then when you're like, hey, what's up? It's an awesome contrast. No, he has a good voice. We were ready for some gangster comedy

and then you were like, hey, everybody. Cereal milk. Isn't it delicious? Yeah, cereal milk. I just had some last night. It's so good. Yeah, cool. Truths. So's so good. Truths. It's so specific to you and then it's like all these cool contrasts

that make up genuinely who you are. It's really good. I just want to be who I am. Right here. Yeah, that cereal milk thing, that could be like merch. That could be a bumper sticker. I mean, that's as good as the Seinfeld routine.

I mean, bit. Which one? Yeah. Oh, cereal milk. I mean, it's just like you could hear it. I mean, I don't mean that in a derivative way in any way. You could do a lot of stuff on cereal milk. Is that what you're saying?

I don't know, Doug. It could be like a longer than a minute thing. I just want it to be real. I'm so sick of you right now, Doug. Could be like a longer than a minute thing. I just want it to be real. I'm so sick of you right now, Doug. He's just trying to keep it real. He's just trying to keep it real. He's not trying to play any tricks with his cereal milk.

No, I want the cereal milk thing to be real. Like someone to be in the audience and be like, oh, I could do that for you. Here it is. Wow. I could hook you up

with cereal milk. Thanks, man. Incredible. Can you up with cereal milk. Thanks, man. Incredible. Can you do the Death Squad show this Friday at the Ice House? Sure, man. Nice. Sweet. There you go.

All right. What are your favorite types of cereal? Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I like Captain Crunch. Oh, my God. And Fruity Pebbles. Almond milk, man. Anything that really gets soaked in.

Long Beach Berries. Do that really gets soaked in. Long Beach berries. Do you like those? No. No, that's made up, man. You ever do something simple like a life cereal? That's basic. It is basic. It's too basic.

Yeah, the basic ones are weird. The Chex. I love Cap'n Crunch, but it shreds the roof of your mouth. It does. It's worth it. It's very General Mills. Would you ever get to... Do they make Captain Crunch without the berries?

Is that... They have some... Yeah, yeah. They have one called Oops! All Berries. And then... Then they have Hey, My Mom Hates Me. And then they have Just Crunch.

Yeah. I mean, that was the original Captain Crunch. Just didn't have berries. Then they have, hey, my mom hates me. And then they have Just Crunch. Yeah. I mean, that was the original Captain Crunch. It didn't have berries. Then they have Whoops! All pubes. It's a pube base. Pat Reagan sometimes shoots a three-pointer, and they don't always go in.

Sometimes he just floats it out there, and you don't know what you're going to get sometimes. Sometimes it just fucking crushes the room, and then sometimes it does what just happened there. You can cut and paste it somewhere else where it would totally work. It's true. You could fat Jew that shit. Heck yeah.

Fat Jew's taken over. Fat Jew reference did not go over in the room. It's a bummer. They all just think you're talking about some fat Jew which seems very inappropriate to say. The fat Jewish. Google it.

The fat Jew stole a bunch of jokes. Over 100 people on Twitter he's stolen from. Did he just not know better? No, he knows way better. He's already been caught many times and already publicly said he got caught. He calls it aggregating.

Should I still be up here? Well, now he puts their names in parentheses. Oh, that's nice. What was that, Fabian? Should I still be up here? No, you can go. Fabian Gonzalez. You've earned your place in show business.

I'll see you Friday, man. How do you do it? Star of the night. That's how it's done. Plus that name. That fucking name. As soon as you say Fabian Gonzalez, people are like, what is going to happen right now?

I can tell that that is him. It's hard to come up here and do one minute of material in front of people on stage with you judging you and be your authentic self. Should we just call it off? No, let's go home. Shut it down, you guys. I don't think you want to call it off? No, let's go home. Shut it down, you guys.

I don't think you want to call it off, Sarah, because it's your turn to pull out the bucket. You get to pull out a name. Dreams really do come true. Oh my gosh, I'm rooting for all of you. Get fucking ready. You better be ready right now. Oh, shit.

Joe Reddington. Wow. Hello. How's it going, everybody? Good. Good. I have two older brothers, and I think the worst and best thing they ever did for me was when I turned 18 years old, they took me to the strip club for the first time.

And I don't know if you guys have ever been to the strip club, but it's kind of like Taco Bell. Yeah, always a good idea at the time. And so you wake up the next morning, realize you spent too much money on bad tacos. So the first time I went to the strip club, my brother says to me, he's like, he's like, hey, if you want to get the most bang for your buck, you need to put the dollar bill between your nose and your lip. The stripper will come up to you, show rubber titties in your face, and the dollar bill will disappear like a magic trick.

So I was like, all right, strippers doing magic? Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me, but I'm going to do it anyway, you know, because what's the worst that can happen? And I did that about 30 times, mostly because I couldn't figure out how she was doing the magic trick. But it turns out it was a bunch of bullshit because when I woke up... God damn it.

There it is, everybody. Joe Reddington. So close to getting that punchline in. I know, but that bear is so worth it. It's so fun. The overall lesson in comedy to not go over your time.

Joe, what was the punchline there? I woke up the next morning with two pink eyes. Fuck yeah. I don't understand. What are pink eyes? Because he got pink eye? She had a dirty butt. Pink eye.

Yeah, she had a dirty butt. Gotcha. So, pink guy. Yeah, she had a dirty butt. Oh. Gotcha. So, hell yeah. Now. I'm going to say this. Uh-huh. Talking about strip club, all that stuff, is great if that's your truth and what you're thinking about and what's on your mind. But it's like, I just, like, I want to, we want to just get to know you.

mind but it's like i just like i wanna we want to just get to know you like even if your joke is a lie that you wrote it has to feel like it has to come through you and be you saying it you know what i mean yeah and it that just comes with time and being on stage and figuring out and and being in uh i don't know it's like some uh mind body connection shit and you know and you also don't need to say has anybody been to a strip club because then that just sounds like I don't know, it's like some mind-body connection shit. Doug. And you also don't need to say, has anybody been to a strip club? Because then that just sounds like you don't know people at all. Because there were other people there when you were there, I'm sure. And then there's also a big percentage of the audience that doesn't have any interest in strip clubs. Well, that's a good point, Doug. May I?

Please. That is good point, Doug. May I? Please. That is good for all comics. I feel like this is a good thing to... I wish I knew it and didn't have to learn it in a harder way, but don't ask the audience a question because it just sets you up

to sound like you're doing a joke that doesn't work because people don't know if they're supposed to answer out loud and there's no timing to it. Beats go by. So if you ask people like, hey, have you guys ever blah, blah, blah, it's just going to be quiet for a little bit.

And then you're like, well, I have. And you're setting yourself up for something that gets perceived as a dip. If you're setting them up, if you're like, have you ever been to strip clubs? And you're like, you assholes. Then that And you're like Yeah And you're like You assholes You know Then that's a different thing

No if that's a part of the thing Of course But if you don't need it Cut it out If it doesn't get If it's not part of a laugh Then cut it out What do you do for work Joe?

I work in a warehouse How long have you been on stand up? About six months Six months Yeah And you work with forklifts At the warehouse Yep Everybody's done it Just six months. Six months. Yeah. You work with forklifts at the warehouse.

Yep. Everybody's done it just six months once. You spend enough time with forklifts, you're going to think titties are magic. That is a good, that's a funny concept, though. Strippers that are magic. I think that you could keep thinking about that. Really, though, go to a shitty strip club, though, and do something really crazy, and then try to tell a story about it. That's the Brian Red Band school of comedy.

Try to fuck a dolphin and then talk about it. Exactly. It's called method comedy. Yeah, it is. And it works. It really works because you're actually telling a story

that's real to you. And I think when you went into that part, I was like, oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. But if you really went to a strip club and you met the stripper that maybe had a yeast infection or something like that. A yeast infection or a dirty butt. It feels like it's you. Right.

Coming from you. Yeah. Even if it's not. Do you and the guys from the warehouse go to strip clubs a lot? No. To do it. Have you ever been to a strip club, Joe? Yes.

How many times? Ten. Wow. And do you, and this isn't, I'm not judging, do you enjoy it? What do you like about it? What is your favorite thing about it? And what are you, is there any part of you that's surprised

that maybe you don't like it as much as you feel like you want to or that there's a myth to it or do you fucking love it? you like you want to or that there's a myth to it or do you fucking love it uh i mean it's fun except when you you wake up and you check your bank account that's the worst part right right it's a big waste of money for and on the side stage oh yeah here we go um there you go yeah it's i get that that might be a point of view to take. Although I always find comics that talk about how much money they don't have to be... It's an interesting line to walk because you want to kind of be... Every time you perform, you kind of want to be the person who's a professional and at least somewhat successful. You don't necessarily want to talk about being poor.

Unless it's hilarious. Yeah, and you could do it in the past tense also. Like I used to go to strip clubs and wasted a lot of money. That's so interesting that you feel like you want the audience to think you're not poor. Well, you know, if the audience... I just think also not...

As soon as you tell the audience you're poor, you're also saying you're not successful as a stand-up. You need to trust that you know what you're doing. Yeah, yeah. A hundred percent. Even if your character is that you don't know what you're doing, the audience has to. They're like dogs. They smell it.

Like Fabian wasn't like, I wish I could afford cereal milk. He was just like fucking cereal milk. Yeah, but there's a lot of brilliant comics that talk about. I mean, did you ever see Eddie Murphy delirious? He talks about being poor? Yes. But in a fucking pink leather suit. Made out of diamonds.

From the position of being the biggest comic in the world. The takeaway here is that if you tell the audience that you... I'm glad somebody's here to sum this up. For the takeaway. Takeaway here is that if the audience knows you... I'm glad somebody's here to sum this up. The takeaway here is that if the audience knows you have insufficient funds, they're going to have insufficient fun. Wow, there you go.

I support that joke. I told you, sometimes it works. Joe, without trying to be funny, let's get back to this strip club thing. Literally without trying to be funny. let's get back to this strip club thing. Literally without trying to be funny. What are things that do surprise you about strip clubs that you thought maybe not? Do you sit close to the stage, far away? Who do you normally go with?

I usually write on the stage. Write on the stage. Indian style? In the stage, yeah. Depending on how much money I'm willing to spend that night. If you're on the stage, your bit should be about getting thrown out. Okay. You know, there's a comedian that Doug and I

used to know named Drew Hastings. Very funny. Now he's, I think, a mayor in Ohio. He has the greatest stories of all time. But anyway, he always used to say that what he did was he'd go to the

bank and get a bunch of $2 bills because strippers get dazzled by it that they get distracted that it's just $2. But that's Drew Hastings. Yeah, he's a mayor now, so you can go ahead and take that if you want. But any kind

of like, if you get into the specifics of your specific experience, that's more interesting. You know? Jokes. You can write jokes. You can definitely write jokes. Let me ask you this. You said that one of the biggest problems is that you wake up the next day and you see that you have insufficient funds or whatever.

Do you – so you're saying that you get so drunk that you end up going to the ATM at the strip club? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, or that was like you were asked a question in court. Yeah. That's correct. Yeah, that is correct. No, there was one time when a stripper kind of, it was one of my first times there, and she realized that,

and she kind of just took me to get a lap dance. On the ATM no it gave me like five songs in a row and I was like hey is this still one song she said no that's it's five different songs yeah it was like 250 bucks oh my god

so I was like uh and that was here's a tip in Japan you were like uh I have to pay it in Japan every song's 15 seconds long just a tip. In Japan... You were like, uh? I have to pay it. In Japan, every song's 15 seconds long. Just a tip if you ever go to a Japan strip club. There was one... There was a plot hole in your bit that... You talked about Taco Bell.

You, like, compared it to going to Taco Bell to going to the strip club. And that you lost your money. But Taco Bell is, like, the cheapest food. They make stuff out of pig's assholes. It was a taco pussy joke and it's kind of like needs a it's a pretty like

Okay. No, I mean it's just kind of like it's not super clever. It feels like you can make that joke at the office. There's a place right down the street called Pink Taco that the place is making that joke. Yeah, like a corporation made that joke. Multiple locations.

It's not gross, right? It's not because of that. What's your favorite hobby, Joe? What do you do for fun when you're not at the warehouse and you're not going to the office? Look at this hobby question. I know, your favorite hobby. Do you make models? How many hobbies do you have, Tony, that you have favorites?

What are your top ten hobbies? Well, my baseball card collection. Yo, yo, devil sticks. Joe, what's your favorite? Well, I mean, currently right now it's stand-up and writing. Oh, that's the most boring answer. Other than stand-up and forklifting, what do you do for fun?

One of the things Sarah does, you like to play poker. I do, but my favorite pastime is watching TV. I love TV. I watch a ton. I love watching TV shows, great television shows, and terrible television shows.

And medium shows. Sometimes I just want to chill out and watch the Bums. You're like a Goldilocks who'll go for anything. Yeah, I like it. So Joe, do you have an answer? Do you do anything other than stand up and forklifting? And strip clubs?

Currently not really, no. Do you like standing under Chinese lamps? Yes, right now I do, yes. It's a fun hobby. Do you have pure joy in any part of your life? No. Find it. That's your act then.

You should just come out and be like, the joy is gone. Yeah, that's exactly what you should be talking about. Ever go to a strip club and have no fun? That's what I do every night. Yeah, even a strip club where you're supposed to have fun, you can't even get enjoyment. The joy is gone.

Oh, okay. The joy is gone. Oh, okay. The joy is gone. This is a new thing. I can drive a forklift. Oh my God. Pat Reagan going for it again. Guys, Joe Reddington. Thanks, Joe.

Thanks, Joe. Live your truth, Joe. Not what you think should be your truth. Talk about having a miserable life if that's how you feel. It'll be a good outlet for you. Thank you. You're welcome, Joe.

You're welcome, Joe. That was a very, very real thank you, and I like that. You don't get that all the time. Sarah, you want to pull another name, or should I? Can I? Yeah, I think you like it.

You go ahead. I do, but maybe you guys want to do it. No, you can do it. I'm happier, though. I don't want to be responsible. Jesus picked this. Real quick, Joe Reddington is on Twitter at J underscore Redding 2000. There you go.

Are you ready? Kyle McFadden. Wow. Wow. For anyone not paying attention, I am 100% white. I'm so white, I already feel like I've done something wrong. Does that make sense?

Thank you. For instance, I was on the bus the other day, and a black homeless man got on the bus. And he started yelling about race and oppression, and it made a bunch of us very uncomfortable. And I was on the back of the bus, because I believe in equality, and it came to a time where I decided I'm just going to be not white. Like I'm going to do my best to just not be white.

And I'm pretty sure this wasn't the right position. But I was trying my best. And then he yelled out out of nowhere, Hey, man, I know this country still treats me as three-fourths a person and I had to sit there with my white guilt wondering if I was going to let him know that he meant three-fifths

a person exactly a minute Kyle McFadden one of our favorites here normally Kyle comes on the show, kills for 60 seconds, and we make fun of the way that he looks for the next seven minutes continuously.

I was surprised that he was in the bus and not on top of it doing Hang Five like Teen Wolf. Tell us about the man behind the curtain. I don't even get that reference. Wizard of Oz. I went too far. He looks like the lion.

Or what the Jew guy stole from. Oh. I think you have to say the words exactly. Oh, I'm sorry. Fat Jew. I don't think fat Jews ruin comedy so much that you can just say, those goddamn Jews.

You sort of have to keep it right on the fat chew, Brian. You could have got to the three-fifths thing faster and then maybe had a few tags or something, but, you know, solid. Your three-fifths of the way there. You can tell that you're a good joke writer and you have a lot of little moments and stuff and

when you've just done it more and care less, but not care less like you don't work at it, but then you just don't give a shit because really it doesn't matter. Last time I was on, Doug was actually on last time, and he mentioned that he's seen me twice now, or three times now, and he mentioned that I do a lot of appearance jokes. So I was trying to steer. Oh, I didn't mean to steer you away from that But you did a good job with it

Because I mean you still Brought up your appearance about being white But yeah that's true Do any of the jokes that we made About your appearance that last time on Have you used any of those A couple of them are in my act already And then I started using

Do you remember any of the ones that we said Like what are the things that you say about the way that you look on stage Just so that this audience can get a glimpse of the man not behind the mask. What it's a lot about is about people coming up to me and saying what I look like. That's my favorite thing is when people do have a funny original joke. And my favorite one recently was a guy just stopped

and pointed at my face. He's like, yo, you look just like the kid who turns into a monkey in Jumanji. And then he just walked away. Like that's. You know what you could say now is that you're kind of upset because dentists keep trying to kill you. That's funny. He looks like a lion, doesn't he? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. He looks like both a lion He has a red mane all around his head Looking like a lion isn't It's not a bad thing You know that you're beautiful though right Thank you I'm okay

You're just fine I hate to bring up pubes Right ladies Wait yeah so don't By the way you don't hate to bring up pubes. Right, ladies? Wait, yeah, so don't. By the way, you don't hate to bring up pubes because you've twice more evening. I hate to bring up pubes for the second time this evening, but your beard looks like glued on pubes. I like to say it looks like a redheaded girl that got in a long-term relationship and then just gave up. Boom.

Fuck yeah, I love that. Kyle McFadden shoving it right in Pat Reagan's fucking face. You wish you had red-headed girl pubes on your face. Weird. Kyle, where are you from? San Francisco. And how long have you been in stand-up? Four years. Right. How long have you been in stand-up? Four years.

How long have you lived in LA? Eight months, eight or nine months. January. You doing good? You having fun? Yeah, a lot of fun. What's your favorite thing to do in LA that's not comedy related? I like how many more movies are available to go see. Obviously, because it's LA, you can see them when it says opening day

and not have to wait a few months. Big theater goer, huh? I love that. If I looked like you, I would be too. A lot of dark rooms for me. Okie dokie. Moving it along again, everybody. This is a real interesting momentum to this show tonight.

It's because it's so hot in here. Yeah, it really is. It's always good to mention that it's hot in a comedy room. Yeah, as soon as you tell the audience that, then they can all get on board with just being quiet and sad. That's like a thing, though.

You're supposed to have, like, cold room for comedy? Yeah. Isn't that like a Shutterman thing? So everyone's got pert nips? Yeah, they didn't get that memo at the comedy store that they need to keep it really cold. Kyle, I want to see more, like a longer set from you. Would you like to do a death squad show Friday?

I'd love to. Whoa. It's like being invited over to the couch on Johnny Carson. It's true. It's amazing. Weird, wacky, wild stuff. I love that. Congratulations, dude.

Except for the couch has a bunch of jizz stains, and Brian's going to ask you if you're ticklish. Yeah. I don't know how you didn't get the word pubes into that sentence. Even though it's a podcast, he took a very confident victory sip after that. Kyle, congratulations. We'll see you Friday at the Ice House. Kyle McFadden.

Kyle! You have the right to express yourself, Kyle. I love it. Sarah, everybody, it's funny that I've noticed, because this is like episode, I think like 118 of this show or something like that. I've noticed that... You should be much

better. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. Wow, now you're getting roasty. Look at Thin Skindy dishes it out But can't take ity No I love it I can handle it What I was going to say was Everybody on their first time is always super

Super duper nice And you're probably never going to do this show again But if you did it'd be funny It's amazing to see how People switch it up their second time on. We had Al Madrigal on the first time and he was the nicest guy you've ever seen in your life.

And the second time he was on he just started cutting people off in the middle of their set. It's like stop, stop, stop. It was amazing. That's rude. We've only got a minute. Why stop him? Geez, Doug really taking a stance. I will fuck up Al Madrigal.

Sarah, you want to pick another name? Oh, my God. Don't spoil me. You did a great job. You picked Kyle. That was a great pick. Yeah, it's a great pick. Don't fuck up, Sarah.

Are you ready? Better be ready. Whoa. Mike Mazzolotti. How do you know a cat's an outside cat? You know what I mean? Like, say you buy a cat and you let it outside and it comes back. You're like, cool, that's an outside cat. Say you buy a cat, you let it outside, it comes back you're like cool that's an outside cat say you buy a cat you let it outside it doesn't come back you're like ah shit

that was an inside cat like do you look for it I feel really dumb walking down the street like mr sweaters yeah he's not gonna remember that I've only said it to him twice I don't think he was looking at me the second time like if you have you have a cat, don't bother buying it a tag or a collar. Like, no one's gonna read it. Like, say I do read it. I see your cat outside and it's like, hey, what's up, Sprinkles? You're really far from home. Better get a move on before the sun

goes down, buddy. You got a couple days of walking, man. Keep those shoulders up. It's gonna start raining soon. Alright, that's it. I'm Mike Maslow. Thanks. Fuck yeah. Mike Mazzolati. He even said his name so fast I couldn't make it up.

Mike Mazzolati. Perfect. Mike, where are you from? I'm from upstate New York, but I live in Seattle right now. You should close with I'm Mike Mazzolati. Thanks a lot. It's not that bad. It's not that bad, but it's not that good. I might take that.

Mike, what do you do in Seattle for work? I work at the Comedy Underground, and I work at a pizza place. So mostly the pizza place. Pizza Underground. There you go. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. That's so fun.

All in Seattle. Yeah. That's so cool. Did you Seattle. Yeah. That's so cool. Did you make the mini pizzas in your ears? Is it harder to do comedy underground than above ground? It's cooler. Not cooler style-wise, but by temperature. Right.

Do you have any bits about the ear things? No. A lot of people say I the ear things? No, a lot of people say I should, right? Yeah, maybe, like maybe your favorite singer is Lisa Loeb.

Great. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, you could be like, you know, people think it's dumb, but I,

like I, it has sentimental, I don't know. Yeah, exactly, right? It's not the easiest fucking thing. I think you should

because whenever you make any movement, they like flop around. Yeah, I know. They're really flopping. Yeah, that, right? It's not the easiest fucking thing. I think you should, because whenever you make any movement, they, like, flop around. Yeah, I know. They're really flopping. Yeah, that's a problem. It just goes to show that there is no wrong way to eat a Reese's. That's fucking hilarious. I almost couldn't get through that one.

That was really good. Oh, can I say the dumbest, dumbest thing? But that bit is funny, and maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's more referred to as an indoor cat, not an inside cat. That is the dumbest note, but in a way it is because people stop for a second. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. Call it an indoor cat. Listen, that is not the best advice you'll get in your life. That's noted. Just like a cat. It's fixed. Call me the joke lateral shooter. Spade and neuter your jokes. Have you ever had a cat?

No, I'm a dog. You're a doggone. My neighbor had a cat. That's why I always wondered it. Because they had two. And one was always outside. And one never could be outside. That's a funny premise.

Usually the one outside is the one that pees all over the couch. And so it becomes an outdoor cat By force It's forced outdoors, not its choice Especially out here What do you do for fun, Mike? How long are you in town for? We're leaving tomorrow

How long have you been here? Two days, three days Who's we? A couple dudes from Seattle, just random stand-ups We're in a van driving around doing stand-up down the coast and going home. That's awesome. Are the other two guys in the bucket? Yeah, they're all in the bucket.

So you're the only one that's probably going to get picked tonight. Yeah, fuck you guys. Yeah, exactly. He told his friends to fuck off. Say that again, Pat? He told his friends to fuck off. Yeah, he did. It's going to be one awkward van ride back to Seattle, Washington. Me and Doug had an interaction on Netflix.

What? I was I Don't Kill People. Whoa. Remember that whole thing? I tweeted him during his special, and we had that moment, Doug. Yeah, yeah. His Twitter name was I Don't Kill People. Yeah, I changed it since then because you made fun of it pretty bad.

So I got a new one. It's not good, though. Why? What's your new Twitter name was I Don't Kill People. Yeah, I changed it since then because you made fun of it pretty bad. So I got a new one. It's not good, though. Why? What's your new Twitter name? Arson is my dog. Because that's my dog's name is Arson. Why'd you name your dog Arson? I don't know, man.

All the other ones were taken, I think. I don't know. What's his name? Arson's a cute name. Itson's a cute name for a dog. It's not a bad name for a dog. He's a black dog. But you've got to come up with a joke for that. Well, he has a bunch of sweaters, and his nickname's Cosby because of all the sweaters.

So there's a whole joke in that. It's not funny, though. I know. I know. I didn't say it. The dog is a serial rapist? Hey, guys. I'm only home half the day.

I don't know what he's doing. Oh, that's a great joke. I'm gone. What? Well, because he has all these sweaters, so I call him Cos? Because he has all these sweaters, so I call him Cosby. He has all these sweaters. I call him Cosby because he's a serial rapist.

It just connects. Boom, thank you. Or at least a little bit of the Reese's thing. Taking notes. Or I call him Arson because I stole him from a firehouse. Maybe. That one wasn't good. He's a Dalmatian.

Yeah. He's part Dalmatian. What kind of dog is it? He's just like a part Dalmatian mutt. Bam! That's why he called him arson, motherfuckers! You nailed it. You nailed it.

You nailed it. At first it. You nailed it. At first, I thought your Dalmatian reference was a little spotty, but I see after all. I'll take any sound I can get from this shit audience. You'll reach 101 laughs at some point. Mike, so much fun so nice to meet you cool

congratulations thanks Mike Mike Mazzolotti he's on Twitter at arsonismydog arsonismydog guys is everybody

would anybody here tonight like to make history everyone how about you guys like that oh yeah

I would love to yeah Doug I'm so happy that you're here because you're one of our most used regulars ever. And Sarah, it's so fitting that you're here because we've always had two amazing

female stand-up comedians. So the only two people that are regulars on the show, and they've written and performed a brand new 60 Seconds every single week since the show started. They're the only two people out of everybody, including the people in the bucket, that literally get on the show every single week,

write a new minute, perform a new minute, and they do that every week. Well, this is their final show, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, in a stunning turn of events. They've both been diagnosed with deadly... Mesophilia. They're both been diagnosed with deadly mesophilia. They're both dying? Yes, it's true.

Their make-a-wish is to do one last spot here on the show where they always do a minute. But I brought them up so many times and I do the same boring intro every week that I thought to myself, why not have someone special bring them up? Why not have someone fun bring them up? Why not have someone fun bring them up?

Maybe the voice of the UFC. No. And one of the coolest human beings in the world, Bruce Buffer, ladies and gentlemen. Live in the flesh. Ladies and gentlemen, we are live. Bruce Buffer in the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, California. And this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

Introducing first, hailing from the panhandle of Florida, a Kill Tony creation. With her first time ever on stage being here two years ago. She has written and performed a one-minute every week since, presenting the Florida dropout, Kimberly Queen Conn! Conn! Conn!

Thank you! Thank you! So I went to the gynecologist Friday Which was fun I had an annual Those are already awkward And I'm sitting at the table My legs are in the stirrups, scooted my butt to the front already, and she's about to dive in,

and my phone rings, and I pick up the phone, and I'm like, hey mom, let me call you back. She's like, cool. And the doctor was like, oh, perfect timing. And I said, yeah, it's kind of like she knows someone's about to go in my vagina. And the doctor laughed, too,

and I'm a comedian, that made me feel nice. But it was awkward, because I felt her laugh on my pussy. And I was like, yeah, that's funny, right? And she was like, no, it was just your pubic hairs. They tickled my nose. That's it. Thank you. Boom. Exactly one minute.

As always, the machine, Kim Congdon. Meow. Meow. What? You just said meow. I was going to say something else What? You just said now. I was going to say something else. No, I said meow.

Oh, gotcha. Like she just got right to the cat sound. Yeah, what I love is that. Right when she said pussy. Yeah, it's amazing because both her and the other regular Sarah Weinshank almost always like nail exactly a minute because they know exactly what a minute is from their internal clock of doing this every single week. Kim, another funny one. That's amazing.

You're really hairy, huh? No, not really. But I did go to the gynecologist on Friday and my mother did call and I did make that joke. And she was close enough. I didn't feel it, but she was close enough to where I was like, ooh, I could have almost felt her laugh on my vagina. And I was like,

that's my Kill Tony minute. Right. And Pat Reagan said you should add pubes to that joke. And it's going to take it to a whole other level. Throw some pubes in there. So fun. Doug, you've watched Kim grow over two years. You've been here so many times.

Yeah, it's been amazing. And now she has t-shirts on sale. Where do they go to get those? Custom tit- tees. I support top freedom and gender equality and I feel like women should be able to be topless at the beach like men and we shouldn't

be sexualized for it. Thank you. Mostly guys clapping for that, but that's cool. And so your shirts are, it's a shirt with tits on it. Just how they would look under your shirt. Very good. And you can

send your own picture of your own tits and have them customized onto a shirt. Nice. That's cool. I love that. That's fantastic. Thank you. Good for you. Thank you. I mean, you can check out her tits on that website right now if you wanted to go. They are the model. Yeah. Color or black and white. Kim now if you wanted to go. They are the model.

Color or black and white. Kim's areolas are really good. Okie dokie. Sometimes I just wait to see if Brian's going to ever stop. Sometimes I just have to jump in and make the good old decision for him. Does the bear ever interrupt Brian? No, never. It's almost like he's the one controlling the sound effects.

Now, Sarah, this is your first time seeing Kim Kong, right? And you have been a female comedian for a while now. For almost half of it, yeah. Now, what do you think about the fact that she has written and performed a new minute every week for the last two years? I'm in awe of it. The joke is good. I really like the punchline of that.

You felt her breath of her laugh because it's so specific and it just felt... You just told it like you were amused yourself and you just said it and you didn't seem nervous or outside of yourself. And that's just so impressive. It just happened and you're always thinking about it. And that's 60% of it.

It's just always thinking about it. What's the other 40? Kim, you nailed it. The other 40 is naps. You killed it. You did another great minute. Thank you. And I'm going to bring you back up in just a second, but that's your time for now.

Kimberly Kong. Thank you. Guys, to introduce your second regular, you'll never believe it, the one and only Bruce Buffer, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. When did he get here? Introducing the other regular,

Haley from the Valley of L.A. Also from the Kill Tony podcast, Dysentery, and Tuesday Snacks. She has graced this very stage talking about corn on the cob, holder thingies, briefcases, and pens with erasers. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Sarah Princess Shake!

One chance! Wow. Just wasn't expecting such a grand intro, but you know, we adjust. I wasn't expecting such a grand intro, but you know, we adjust. I have problems with people who think it's okay to leave the house while carrying binoculars. I think it's an incredibly bold choice. Why are you carrying binoculars? The only thing worse than carrying binoculars is having a friend hanging out with you that's carrying binoculars.

Because then you have to tell them, dude, can you just leave the binoculars? There is no pure reason for someone to be carrying binoculars. An excuse that someone might use would be, I'm a bird watcher and what they really mean is that they're a pervert I would much rather be a pervert than a bird watcher all right that's go. Who have you been hanging out with that has so much binoculars? Well, I went to a Sheryl Crow concert and I was sitting I guess we just

found out what part should be added to that joke. Thanks, guys. I went to a Sheryl Crow concert, and I was sitting in the nose blades, and next to me, there was this woman who was sitting very close to me, and she had binoculars, and I just felt like it was really intrusive. I'm like, Sheryl Crow, bird watcher. Yeah, it's like, okay. It's perfect. It would make more sense. It's like, okay, if you're a huge fan of something, and you can't afford good It's like, okay, if you're a huge fan of something and you can't afford good seats,

sell your binoculars so that you can go. Typically. I love that. That's great and should be added. Yeah, that should be totally added. Just binoculars is such a funny word to say six times in one minute. Well, that's the thing.

It starts out being like a quirky joke and then the next step it's like, oh, that was a little bit, are you done with that drink? You know I have a sound problem. I can't stop thinking about the ice and the slurping, sorry. It's okay. Oh, and then it kind of goes to a, you go, oh, that was a little predictable.

And then it takes a corner where it's like, oh, this is a joke about saying binoculars. And then it's really fun. It's something that wins you and then loses you and wins you back kind of joke, which I love. Yeah, that's sort of like an interesting thing. Her tone regularly, she sort of like an interesting thing. Her tone regularly she sort of covers these small subjects

and gets into it. Because it says something about her. You know like the thing. The root of it might be like I wish I had binoculars. But that is kind of a funny bully mentality and I mean that in a funny way.

No I like that. She had binoculars. Fuck that. like a funny way. No, I like that. Just going like, I've never been called a bully. She had binoculars. Fuck that. That's so stupid. You know. Doug. Yo. Anything else for Sarah? She's done a great job all this time. It's amazing.

Always with the small subjects but for a whole minute. Point of view. Very important. So fun. It's been an incredible two years of Kim and Sarah Weinstein. Kim, come back up here.

I have a special gift for you, too. These are the two lineups from the original room for tonight and for every single Monday after this. They are the two newest regulars on the friends and family list getting a set in the original room every single week from here on out and you too can take those boom pretty much pound for pound

the hardest lineup to get on in the entire world and they just did it it's been so much fun watching you two go from people that just said um and ooh and ah and look down at the bottom of the stage to killing every single week. So thank you so much and thank you for everything. You guys have been amazing.

Good luck. Well deserved. Have fun. Please kiss. Kiss. Thank you guys. That's Princess Shank and Kimberly Congdon, everybody. And they're on Twitter and Instagram

at Princess Shank and Kimberly Congdon. They have been doing brand new minutes, writing and performing them every single week since the beginning of the show. Get those titty shirts and those binocular shirts available now. So you might be wondering, Tony, you just moved your two new regulars on to the bigger, more important show and room every Monday. What happens now? What are you going to do?

Well, how about this? We have two brand new regulars that are going to be writing and performing a brand new minute every single week from now on, and you are the first audience to ever see this. New regulars? New regulars. I can't believe it. But of course, why would I bring them up

when I could just have somebody else do it? How about the one and only Bruce Buffer, ladies and gentlemen? do it. How about the one and only Bruce Buffer, ladies and gentlemen. And now your newest regular, raised in Germany, New York, Florida, Kentucky, and of course, New Mexico. She's known from one appearance on Kill Tony. She shook nervously. She scratched her head throughout her set. And now, her first regular appearance ever. Presenting for the first time as she walks down the aisle of Kill Tony, Melissa, do you have to let it linger? Us linger! Us linger!

Aslinga! What's up, guys? Still shaking. Hi. Alright. So yeah, I used to live in Kentucky, and Facebook... Fuck. Hey.

Facebook still makes fun of me for it. The Kentucky thing. You know that soulmate app thing where it's supposed to tell you who your soulmate is? It kept giving me my uncle. So, like, I... I think L.A. is kind of like a big sandbox to play in, and you can find a bunch of cool stuff,

but you come a lot across with cat turds. Those suck. My mom had a lot of really weird rules when I was growing up. If you're only making one piece of toast, you have to put it in the right side of the toaster. I didn't listen to her, and I wish I did, because now every guy guy date just leaves. Wow.

The newest regular, Melissa Esslinger. That's the shakiest I've ever seen someone who also still fucking delivers the jokes. It's amazing. That was great. It's just mind-blowing to me. It's so exciting to watch. So fun.

I remember you've been on the show once before, and you were so shaky and nervous then, yet still so funny. I actually never remember anything about the comedians on the show, like joke-wise, but I actually remember a joke that you said that I just think is the funniest thing ever she said I'm so short that when I meet guys

I have to be like hello my eyes are down here and so yeah when I decided to you know rotate in a new regular I figured who could possibly be more fun than somebody that's shaking violently

right now because who knows what it's going to turn into. Guys, you're meeting Melissa Esslinger for the first time. That was so exciting. I was on a show that she was on earlier. Oh, wow. That's so cool. It's good to see her again.

It was a great set. I counted maybe, there's probably three jokes in there and they're all solid. Closing with the best one. Oh my god. They were all good and that last one's just brilliant and you can see, oh that's who she is going to be. Like that's what she is. And the fact that you're trembling

and shaking, like that can be really hard. But the mistake that people make is that they try to cover it and you didn't, you were just honest. You know, it's like watching Eminem when he first would just like came out in rap battles and shit on himself.

And it's not in a self deprecating way in a, uh, just this is honest in the moment. I'm not going to lie. And it makes it instead of like uncomfortable, it's exciting. Right. Cause we're on a ride with her.

Totally. Sort of rooting for you. You're just shaking with like excitement and terror, but it's like you can tell you love it and you're good at it, so it's exciting. And next week she won't have to do it in front of like somebody she idolizes because usually there's just a bunch of dumb dicks

on this show. You're just assuming that, oh, girl, and I'm brilliant. Yeah, this shaky thing's good for you, though. I could see you, like, getting a part in, like, Parkinson's and Recreation or something like that. Oh, that is so clever! Thought of it in 46 seconds.

46. You could start your own night over at Shakey's Pizza. Right. But also, just so you know, it's great because it's just your truth in the moment. But if you start getting not scared anymore, then you don't have to manufacture that. That would be a mistake. Just be whatever is real. And you're good.

You're really good. Have you been going up at all since your last appearance here? Yeah. Where have you been getting up at? There's an open mic in Venice I do every week. I do two to three a week because of my job.

Do you have a car? Yeah. I work 12 hours a day. Every Friday now, becoming a new Kill Tony girl, you get to do five minutes every week at the Ice House. Oh, wait, what? I thought you were going to say every week.

Okay, cool. Awesome. Get up every time you can because you're going to be great. Do spots every night even though you're exhausted from work. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. The newest regular. Catch her every single week on Kill Tony.

Guys, but that's only one new regular. You must be thinking, there's got to be a second regular, right? Yes, well, there is. And normally, I mean, of course, I would bring that second regular up. But I'm thinking, why not do something special? Why don't we have the voice of the UFC, Bruce Buffer, bring her up. And now, your other new regular from Long Beach, California, known for her self-deprecating comedy, also known for her mediocre impression of Sarah Wineshank.

She is the 19-year-old Ellie Belly Legal McCoskey! Hell yeah. Hey. Something scary happened to me the other day. I was in Santa Monica. I'm not trying to brag. I'm sure you guys have all been there. But I was there, and there were helicopters flying around the place that I was staying,

and it was terrifying. I turned on the news, and they thought that this guy, there was a guy on the loose. They thought he was a sniper. Turns out he was just a good old gunman. Just a good old gunman. Just a good old gunman. And it was terrifying, but they found him the next day. And there's a picture of him getting arrested, and he's in handcuffs. But he's wearing board shorts and sandals like the chillest shooter ever.

But I was wondering, I was like, board shorts, sandals. Did his fedora fall off when he was running from the cops like what's that guy's getaway car a longboard uh

I I how you doing on time my hands are really sore today I don't know why

I think it's just from like all the lives that I've touched there you go Ali Makovsky why. I think it's just from all the lives that I've touched. There you go. Allie Makovsky. The newest regular.

And she's also 19 years old. Yeah. You have good tits for a 19 year old. Thank you. Jesus Christ. Jesus. That's actually Kim's shirt. That's cool. That is so awesome. I know.

I keep touching them, and I'm like, oh, they're not there. And you know what? There's a second where I was thinking, well, that shirt's distracting, but who cares? It's so great, because if you keep wearing it, it won't be anymore, and it will be in a different place in our world. Boom. Making a movement. I love that.

Yeah. I was just thinking that your boobs and your head are cold. These guys and the way they use words. It's amazing. But that was great. That was, I dare say, if I may, most professional one minute I've seen on this show. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. On Ally Makovsky's first, this is the first time you've seen her. First time, yeah. And she killed it. We heard a lot of good ones, too. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but it's... You just like her tits so much you're confused right now. That's not what I'm totally about. And even like when she looked at her watch it was just true. It was a standard comedian thing.

Like how much time do I have? Oh shit. Every other comic that's ever done this show would go ahead and bail with 10 seconds left. And then she said a hilarious joke. Yep, shit. But she, like, every other comic that's ever done this show would go ahead and bail with 10 seconds left. And then she said a hilarious joke. Yep. Yep. Which is very exciting.

That's true. And you could see her making the choice, and it was very, like, real comic-ish. Did you just lick your hand and wipe your set list off your hand? There is definitely a set list on there. Oh, that's what you were looking at. So it wasn't the time, which is interesting because... I have done that before, and it's funny because it does look like I'm looking at my watch. Like, sure, let's wrap this thing up.

You know, that works perfectly. That's amazing. And what I also think is cool is the fact that you and Melissa are both like really looking off of set lists for this minute. Because what's going to end up happening? And maybe I mean, maybe you could use that divisively or as a thing and you'll always be working out something new but I feel like your memory of what you want to talk about will get better.

It was just kind of for this one because I was like really got to bring the heat. Hell yeah. I'm excited about this Tony. This is really great. I really got to bring the heat in my beanie. I especially think it's awesome, Allie, that you left your job as the spokesman for Wendy's

to take up this opportunity. Can you wear those every week for us? No. Guys, could you shake a little bit? No, thank you. What? I'm 19. She's bit? No, thank you. All right. What? All right, everybody.

I'm 19. She's 19. No, not... I meant because the last girl was shaking. Oh, oh. I've been trembling. I wasn't like asking a 19-year-old to shake her tits for me. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm really glad we cleared that up, actually, because it was like a bummer for a second, a little bit. I was like, damn it, Doug. It was the shirt. Guys, we just met Allie Makovsky. Yay, Allie.

I'll see you Friday at the Ice House. Friday at the Ice House. Catch Allie Makovsky and Melissa Esslinger. You can follow them on Twitter and Instagram at Allie Makovsky and Melissa Esslinger or something like that. Guys, Ryan J. Ebel drew this episode. Ryan J., let's see what happened.

He drew the fucking episode. Look at this. Guys, there it is. Unbelievable. Hey, look. We did it again, everybody. From start to finish. That's fucking incredible. Guys, hire Ryan J.

Ebelt for something. He's on Twitter and Instagram at Ryan J. Ebelt. Pat Reagan killed it tonight. He's a Patty Reagan. Bruce Buffer, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on Twitter at Bruce Buffer and check out his podcast, It's Time. I'm going to be doing it tomorrow.

So get in the It's Time world. Josh Martin hustled around tonight he's at Josh Martin comic Doug Benson and Sarah Silverman ladies and gentlemen come on we did it Sarah anything you want to promote coming up or anything like that

anything crazy how about you Doug Douglovesmovies.com for all my stuff guys thank you so much for doing this. Always a pleasure. Thank you, guys. So fucking fun. And thank you, live audience. Thank you. See you guys.

Bye-bye. Swing, swing. Swing those funny steps. You wear those shoes and I wear the dress. I'm a little bit scared. I'm a little bit scared. I'm a little bit scared. I'm a little bit scared.

I'm a little bit scared. I'm a little bit scared. Melissa! Melissa! Melissa to the front. Melissa. Melissa. Melissa. Kiss me Down by the broken tree I'll be speeding I've got a tank

And I'm tired We can bring We can fly ahead We'll take the trail Walk down your forest Oh, kiss me We'll leave the lake In tw me Leave me in the dark In the twilight

Leave me Out of the window Let's do it again Strike up the band Make the fireflies dance Silver moon sparkling So kiss me. you you