KILL TONY - KILL TONY #119

Episode Date: September 30, 2015

Rick Ingrham, Allison Macofsky, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 08/31/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Guys, don't forget, every Monday we record this in the Comedy Store's Belly Room, and it's a free show. You can reserve your tickets by going to the Comedy Store's website. Every Tuesday, we record Roast Battle, which is Verbal Violence, the very popular podcast of the roast battle and every friday we're over at passage ice house doing these chronicles and doing a comedy show there so that's every friday at 10 p.m at the ice house uh you can find all these tickets if you just go to death squad.tv click on tour dates and we have it all right there this friday though me and sam tripoli are bringing death squad to fresno california uh we're doing two shows they just added a second show this friday at the club

one casino you can get your tickets at live music city.com or just go to death squad.tv and click on tour dates uh shop squad.tv check it out I just added my personal collection of t-shirts so you can find maybe an original shirt if there's any left. So if you've been wanting an old shirt, now's the time to jump over there real quick. It might be too late. Go to ShopSquad.tv.

Also, TonyHinchcliffe.com is where you can find all of Tony's shows. He's going to be all over the place. So go to TonyHenshcliff.com for all his merch and his tour dates. And please, subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. iTunes now has a separate feed for Kill Tony. So search the iTunes store for Kill Tony,

hit subscribe, rate and review the show because the more ratings and reviews we get, the higher we get in the rankings. So it will help us out a lot. Alright guys, here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. This is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Let's get it for Tony Hitchcliff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, it's me. Hello, everybody. Volume up there, Tony Hickscliff. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes, it's me. Hello, everybody. Volume, volume. Yes. This is like a real show in here, guys. Hi, everybody. Make some noise, live audience.

It's Monday night. Sounded like a pretty quiet crowd out there when I was listening to Pat Reagan. Pat, did you have a little trouble getting warmed up tonight? Well, I sat down. Pat Reagan, everybody. He you have a little trouble getting warmed up tonight? Well, I sat down. Pat Reagan, everybody. He just played music for you.

What do you think of this Monday Night Crowd so far? They're good. I think they're good. They're fun. They're nice. Good. I love it. It's good to have you back, Pat.

We're back again for another fun episode. Guys, a lot of crazy shit's happening. Let's get dates out of the way. I'm going to Toronto, JFL 42 at the end of September. September 17th, we're in stand-up live at Phoenix. And for those of you listening in Atlanta, I'm doing November there, and I'm doing Oddball in a fucking amphitheater,

October 4th. And Saturday the 5th in an amphitheater in Tampa. So for those of you in Tampa, come see me at a fucking amphitheater. Wow. Yeah. That's going to be fun. Yeah. When I perform, what I'm learning about getting booked on amphitheaters is that I can't stop repeating it over and over again. Amphitheater. It's totally

different and fun. Yeah, we also have a secret show here September 9th in the main room. A big show. We had a really good one the other day in the belly room. It was a lot of fun. And don't forget, every Monday, 8 p.m., Kill Tony, live from the belly room at the Comedy Store, guys. Somebody is here tonight. Somebody signed up in this bucket tonight and came all the way from Israel, the actual Israel,

to sign up for the chance to do a minute on Kill Tony. Left the army and came to kill Tony. Whoa, there he is. He's actually responding, and he's saying that he's not part of the Israeli army, Pat. So let's jump into it, shall we? Every week I have two. Oh, yes. Our artist, everybody.

Everybody, we have an artist that draws every episode. It's Ryan J. Ebel sitting over here. Right now he has a blank sheet of paper in front of him. By the end he draws the guest. He draws a theme to it. It's insanity. It's a whole crazy family. Anyway, every week we always have two of the funniest comedians in the world on the show.

This week's no different. One of them is running late. So for now, put your hands together for the one and only Rick Ingram, everybody. Rick Ingram. It's Rick, one of our favorites. Rick was actually on the pilot episode of Kill Tony

when it was called Hinchcliffe's Notes. How long did that last? That lasted one episode. I called it Hinchcliffe's Notes. I was one of the only guests ever in the history of Hinchcliffe's Notes. You were the only guest in the history of Hinchcliffe's Notes. Felt good. It was too long of a Twitter handle, so I shortened it to Kill Tony. All right.

And what was the name? Kill Tony has what meaning? None. Perfect. It's just easy and compelling enough to remember. Who was the other guest? Was it Brody Stevens? It was just one, the first one. It was just Rick. Yeah. to remember. Who was the other guest? Was it Brody Stevens?

It was just one, the first one. It was just Rick. Yeah, Brody was on episode two. That's possible. I don't remember anyone else being there. That's crazy. I just remember being like, God, there are so many people that we should shit on. This is going to last a long time.

Yeah, it definitely is. And look at it now. It's a fire hazard, everybody. Yeah. Deep in the staircase. So many. The upper gullet. So many dreamers out there. It's is. And look at it now. It's a fire hazard, everybody. Yeah. Deep in the staircase. So many. The upper gullet. So many dreamers out there. It's true.

And we are waiting for our second guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Sinbad is coming tonight. The actual Sinbad. Yeah. He's running a little late. Family emergency. But he's going to be sitting next to Rick Ingram. Fire at the Zubaz factory, from what I understand. You're really excited about working with Sinbad, I'm sure.

You know, it's been about 13 years I've been saying, who's next when I do comedy? Is Sinbad next? And it's never been Sinbad. But tonight, it's my night. You've had a wild month, man, here at the Comedy Store.

Not only did you get to perform for Jim Carrey, I saw you with Dick Van Dyke the other day. Yep. What's going on with you, man? You've been lucking the fuck out. Yeah, I don't want to brag, but Pauly Shore tweeted at me the other night. immediately I was like, holy shit,

someone hacked Pauly's account, because it just said, Rick Ingram, we're friends. And I was like, oh, he must have sent out a million of these. So I got on his page, and it was just me, which made it super creepy. Wow. Yeah. But, yeah, just, you know, as Tommy, the old talent coordinator, would say, I got a lot of buzz right now, and that's what it's about.

I love that Pauly Shore is tweeting just at you. That's really exciting. How is Jimmy Carey? Jimmy Carey. Jimmy Carey. Jimmy Carey. I didn't realize you were that close with him, Brian. He's always Jimmy to me.

How's Jimmy Boy Carey doing? Yeah, he was real cool, man. He had a little bit of that crazy look in his eye, but was way more down to earth than I thought he would be. Did he say anything about ever getting back on stage again, or do you think that's past him? I mean, I straight out asked him if he ever got the desire, and he said for about five seconds. Once a year for about five seconds, he's like, yeah, I want to. And then I'm like, what am I thinking about?

I don't want to do that. He said he couldn't imagine having anything in his life that was relatable to an audience and he made some joke about like you know what am I going to go up there and be like don't you hate it when there's no Wi-Fi on your business manager's yacht you're out at sea

I think people would laugh at that yeah he was real nice Rick oh yeah sure every week Pat always asks the guests the questions I have a question just Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah, he was real nice. Rick. Oh. Yeah, sure. Every week, Pat always asks the guests the questions. So go ahead. I have a question just off that because you said he had something crazy in his eye a little bit. And, yeah, I talked to him, and I was like, what do you think that was?

Is it like fear of all the people that are just coming on to him? Because it's almost like he was like shocked or something. I think that annoyed him. There were just random people in the hallway just trying to take photos of him while he was talking to other people. But I don't know. I think it's weird.

I think when you're part of this place, the comedy store, for as long as a lot of us are, and then you leave, it has to be a freeing feeling. Like your soul is no longer being tortured. And then he comes back and, you know, he has so much going on in his life and he has to almost just feel like he's going to lose it all if he hangs out for too long.

That would be my interpretation, yeah. Now, when he had the crazy look in his eye when he was talking to you, it's because he wanted to get out of the conversation, Pat. That's a whole different thing. He talked to me. He talked to me. What did you guys talk about? I told him I loved his website.

He's got a tight website. If you haven't been to his website, drop some acid and just play around on his website. It's a trip, right? We just talked for like 20 seconds. It was cool. Little recommendation from Pat and Brian. Drop some acid and go to Jim Carrey's website. I bought acid yesterday.

Did you? Yeah, two tabs. I don't know. It was only $20. What's the picture on it? There's no picture. It's just white. Bladder.

He might have actually just bought two pieces of paper for $20. I got some acid for you. Yeah. So, guys, we're going to wait for Sinbad to get here. He's running late. And we're just going to get the show started without him with Rick Ingram. You guys ready for this or what? Yeah.

A little bit. You're a little bit ready. A little bit ready. Pat busting out the acoustic for tonight. Yeah. Do you have a special Sinbad theme song that you've been working on? I was thinking just now about this. It's going like, waiting, waiting, waiting for Sinbad. He was in a jingle all the way, which I watched when I was a weird little boy.

Freaking out the other kids, they thought I was going to bring a gun to school. Freaking out the other kids They thought I was gonna bring a gun to school Maybe write another jingle That rhymes and has a rhythm or something like that Off the dome That wasn't just the kids at school I think a lot of us in this room right now Are thinking, hey

If we can get him a gun, let's do this Yeah, I feel like if Sinbad saw that He would stop even coming here Hopefully he's not listening to the live stream right now via Ustream or else... Something he can hammer dance to. That's really the key. Sinbad was on Eric Andre's show and

we did this bit where we had like, it's time to play the wheel of prizes! And then he spun a wheel and it just had a mechanical thing on it so it just kept spinning and it never stopped spinning. Pretty cool. Did it get a bigger laugh on the Eric Andre show?

I don't know. Guys, here's how the show works. We talk to comedians after they do 60 seconds on stage. Some people, it's their very first time. Some people have been doing the road for a long time. We meet all different shapes and sizes of people. Over 30 people signed up tonight for the chance to do 60 Seconds on stage.

Comedians, you know your 60 Seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, adorable. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Oh, there you go.

I'm digesting there at the end a little bit. So let's get into it. You guys ready or what? Yeah! Your first comedian. Get motivated. Yeah. Doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds.

Going first tonight goes by the name of... Ooh, this is written in purple markers, so this should be interesting. And it looks like a fake name. John Johnson, everybody. John Johnson. Oh, Johnny Johnson. It could be a real person.

Here he is, John Johnson, everybody. Yes. What's up, y'all? My name is John Johnson That is a God given actual name Easiest name on the planet to remember Not a porn star

I get that a lot every time I introduce my name Oh you sound like a porn star I've heard that from girls a billion times I'm sure The porn star pod May have made you think I was a porn star. But actually, doing one minute is tough for me. 20 minutes is tough for me. I like to ramble. So I moved to Huntington Beach about 15 years ago, and I've learned from the attractive, cool people in Huntington Beach one tip on staying young. I've learned from the attractive cool people in Huntington Beach. One tip on staying young.

I've learned the fountain of youth. Patrick Reagan. Fountain of youth. It's my backwards black hat. It's like a magic trick. Because in a bar, like they got in Huntington and tons of them, I can pass for 29 real quick in a dark bar. People are like, he's 29, okay, I buy that.

But in reality, you ready? It's like a magic trick. 29, 39. 29, 39. he's 29. Okay, I buy that. But in reality, you ready? It's like a magic trick. 29, 39. 29, 39. 29. Oh. I feel like you were just going to keep doing that until that bear came out. Is that what you do for the other 20 minutes?

Just 29, 39, 29, 39? It was so hard to think of one minute thing. That's my one corny thing I do when people are like, tell a joke, funny man. You should probably edit out the 20 seconds of you explaining that you talk a lot and that it's hard to do. Again, I showed up here to do three minutes for the doorstep thing. Doing one minute, I was like, fuck, all I can do is that thing.

I know, all of that after an hour-long skateboard ride must be really tough. I get it. I drive a Mini Cooper, okay? What part of Venice Beach exactly do you live in? Huntington Beach. I think Huntington. He's down in the old city.

You nailed it. Typical Huntington wardrobe is what I've learned. Where are you originally from? I grew up in Glendora, California. Lovely. For the first 18 years Lived in the same house Quiet little community 89% white people

Upper middle class and just quiet little town Sounds like heaven You are actually looking at Kind of royalty From Glendora I am not just my school champion Not just my city's champion Which had five schools.

District fifth grade spelling bee champion. Wow. You're definitely royalty in that you're as unlikable as King Joffrey. I mean, other than that. Do you have any idea how big of a nerd you have to be to be the district fifth grade spelling bee champion in Southern California with millions of kids and not be the Asian kid or the Indian kid. And you've been bragging about this for 39 years? Yes. A long time. Goofy white kid. I was this same height, 100 pounds less. Goofy

white kid, John Johnson, sent all these doctors and dentists, Nagasaki's and Pindall's home. What I like about him, and it's hard to find something, but what I like about him The thing I really like about him is whether he's talking to us or doing comedy, it's not funny either way. Consistency. That's like one of the first things you have to learn.

And he's right on track with that. And, you know, the sandals with the monkey feet. That's loud and proud. Holy shit. Ugliest feet in comedy. They really are. I mean, it looks like your toes are broken. What the ugliest feet in comedy. They really are. It looks like your toes are broken.

What the fuck? What the fuck happened to your feet? I feel like there's like... I assure you, there's homeless Indians. Until the day I die, I will wear flip-flops every time I perform. We have to take a picture of this to the podcast listeners or something. The listeners of this show, which is the majority of the people.

It literally looks like. What the fuck, man? You should never wear flip flops. Yeah. Would you like to interview them? They talk as well. No, no. Don't put the microphone here.

It didn't touch. You might actually be able to just saw those off. That's my dream. That's the best plan. They get bionic legs soon, and I get bionic legs. Holy fuck. That's how bad my feet are. What happened to your feet?

Honest to God, I was born four weeks premature, and I had really bad flat feet. Uh-huh. Fallen arches. Yeah, but those look autistic. Yeah. Extra chromosome toes. That's what... Hey, I got made fun of my feet my whole life through high school, so now I wear flip-flops

every time. There's a valuable lesson to learn there, and that's cover those motherfuckers up. Because you know how many times cops have stopped me because they think I'm limping or drunk, and they're like, are you okay, sir? And I just go, and they go, oh, carry on. Oh, and they look at your feet, and they're like, oh, he's 49, and, carry on. Oh, and they look at your feet and they're like, oh, he's 49. Yeah. And they move on. Wait, what are you worried about cops pulling, you know,

that's the only problem. Yeah, but it says on your shirt you don't get drunk. Or is that a shirt, a lie? I don't get drunk. You're right. See, that's another thing is most comedians love clever t-shirts. That's right, but I'm not drunk. It's because of the way I walk. Yeah, but that makes zero sense. Just cover those feet up, man. It doesn't matter. Loud and proud, buddy.

With anything. This is me. You guys are the weird ones. This is normal feet. This is how they're supposed to look. John Johnson. These are beautiful feet right here. Ladies that have a foot fetish, I'll let you suck on these things all night long.

John, stop talking for a little bit, all right? You're letting the meth get the best of your set right now. Zero meth. You're like pitching your feet to the audience. You better be on meth. That would be an excuse that we'd be like, you know what, he's a drug addict. It's like your piggies are trying to escape.

My God. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up three years, and every time I've done comedy, I have been the first person up and hosted the whole show. And I booked other comedians. And it's so funny that I get picked for the first time here and I'm the first person up.

It would be the only funny thing, I guess, about that. Dude, you should do that. I implore you to. The horse of truth, everybody. For those of you new to the show, anytime you hear that horse, I mean, something super. I've been coming here for almost a year. John. John. John. Sir.

Sir. I was gonna give you a compliment. I don't... And there's the horn of bullshit. I swear. John, you should do that 29-39 bit with your feet.

Go. Go my feet. 29, you should do that 2939 bit with your feet. Yeah. Go. Go my feet. 29, and then you pop it off. Autistic. Wait a second. He's like repeat over there. He just did all of our best jokes. I know.

How's that? Yeah, dude. I'm the fat Jew, dude. Find me on Twitter. Fat Jew, baby. Pat callback. I love that, Reagan. Patty Reagan from 3.3.

Old Patty Callback. I got a lot of shit on John Johnson right now. John Johnson, you talk so much, you change your words to words wordsman. Also, that's just the beginning, baby. You look like you were raised in a fucking t-shirt shop by the bassist of Sublime. That's a compliment. I take that as a compliment. I love it sublime. That's a compliment. I take that as a compliment, sir. I wish... That was a compliment.

I like that. John. That is a compliment. Can you imagine watching 20 minutes? I want to let him go, but I feel like we could just light up John for the whole hour and a half. So much material.

It's unbelievable. I'm kind of sad Sinbad missed him. I know. It's true. Yeah. Can you eat a banana with your feet? I will tell you, 5th grade district spelling bee champion and 5th grade Rubik's Cube

with your feet champion. Rubik's Cube with your feet champion. Rubik's Cube? Yeah. All right. I don't believe that spelling bee thing anymore. The Rubik's Cube. John. Old Rubik.

I could talk to you forever, but I'm going to let you go. Seriously, thank you. That was my first time here. I've been coming here almost a year, and my first night here, I saw you in that corner at a roast battle tell people you almost came here for a year before you even attempted to get on stage. That's not even true. You're thinking of somebody else. Definitely you.

I got up my very first night here, and I killed. Thank you. John Johnson, everybody. There he goes. John. You got your story. Words, words, men, everybody. Words, words, men. I was an employee here a few weeks later. Things went really smoothly for me, John. You have your stories all mixed up.

Totally different person. John booked me on a show one time. He called me. He called me and booked me on a show and then canceled the show. Wow. That's just a little tidbit. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like he has a lot of faith in you. That's just a little tidbit. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like he has a lot

of faith in you. That's the exciting part. Johnson, where can they find some of those fucking... Webfeet.com. No. At John Johnson Show. Follow him on Twitter. God, those fucking feet were unbelievable.

He started talking. I looked down. I was like, holy fuck. There's always been a thing on this show. Almost nobody can come on on flip-flops and get away with it all the way. But to come on with flip-flops and have like monster fucking feet. He had finger toes. His feet looked like hands. He had finger toes. It was the opposable thumb toe.

It really creeped everything out for me. It looked like his toes were trying to tickle the sandal that they were wearing. They were like clawed on. It's like Special Olympics athlete's feet. Something. Homeless people in Pakistan would be given money to fix that shit. Oh, my God. It looks like he was tortured.

Yeah. Whew. Man. How crazy that a guy with feet like that makes audience members want to walk I pulled another name out of the bucket guys your next comedian put your hands together for Ellie McElvain yeah

I'm single no no big deal. And my mom wants me to try dating. She told me to figure out my type. Figuring out your type is a weird thing we all do where it's like, oh, I want to fuck a bunch of people, but I want them all to look vaguely related. To me, my brother is very handsome. That's just a fact.

Just kidding. I's just a fact. Just kidding. I do have two types. The first one is just like really hot guys. I don't know. That really does it for me. The other one is like nervous, recent college graduates who are trying to make it work

with their long distance girlfriends. Guys, it's really fun. It takes one move and I'm going to show it to you now. How's it really going? That's it? That's done? They're mine forever then?

Speaking of incest, when I was growing up, my brother played this joke on me. He was like, Ellie, you're adopted. And I was like, are you flirting with me? And he wasn't. My family is really weird, though. My cousin just gave birth to twins and she named them Heaven and Nevaeh. That's literally true.

You can finish it. Go ahead. I'm really excited because it opens up the doors to name my future twins race car and race car yeah fuck yeah Ellie McElveen

yeah how long have you been doing comedy like three years same as John Johnston I mean already far and away better than John Johnston. I mean, already far and away better than John Johnston. Definitely.

I don't know if you run shows or anything. A couple. Where are you from? Chicago suburbs. I didn't know that. Yeah. Why would you have known that, Pat? I know Ellie.

I've known her for a while. You know what's weird is that I thought she had kind of like a little Esther vibe, who's also from Chicago. Do you know little Esther? Esther Povitsky? Yeah, I love little Esther. I also thought you had kind of an Obama vibe.

You know, and Obama's from Chicago. Thanks, Pat. Obama's from Chicago. Ellie, how long have you lived in L.A.? A year. Just over a year. You having fun? I love it. What do you do for work? A year. Just over a year. You having fun? I love it.

It's the best. What do you do for work? I'm just a production assistant for a stop motion animation company, which is cool because it's relaxed. And do they show those stop animation videos like in the 1980s or something? Yeah. No. It's like they do like robots.

I know where she works. Uh-oh. Pat.? Yeah, no. They do robot chicken and stuff. I know where she works. Jesus Christ, Pat. You are really creeping now. Is that dick in a guitar? I've had so much dirt on the people that have come up here month after month and I'm just done letting it slide.

Rick, do something about this. Where does she work? She works for a robot chicken company. Oh, I see what you did there. Oh, okay. That's it. But you were talking about people wanting to fuck their parents and their brothers. I'd always want to fuck girls who look like my sister and my mom, so I can relate.

Is that true? Yeah, dude. Pat, have you ever considered fucking John Johnston by chance? Because I feel like it couldn't get creepier than that. Have you ever played doctor with your brother growing up that you remember? No, but we did have a weird thing with Furbies. Like you used to put the Furby inside each other and smell it? What?

Brian, it's too early in the episode to go like that. Remember what we talked about. Totally for the show, Brian. What's the weird thing, though? Just rubbing it on the outside and smelling it? All right. Brian, stop guessing. Let her answer the question.

What was the thing with the Furbies? I mean, it's way less exciting, but we would just play like a weird game of house with them where we're like mom and dad to the Furby, but nothing gross happened. It's mostly just a joke. Just missionary fucking. Just normal.

Does your brother know about this? I told him the joke once and he was pretty mad. Really? Well, he just doesn't. Does his girlfriend or wife look like you? No. Well, he just doesn't. Yeah. Does his girlfriend or wife look like you? No.

He's been single. He's holding out for me. Oh, I see. I love that. She doesn't let that incest stuff die, and that's nice to see. I love that. Have your parents heard this joke? My mom has.

What did she say about that? She thought it was funny. She knows it's fake, so that's alright. Did your mom ever catch you guys playing with those Furbies? Nope. Now you say nope like you guys did more than just play house.

I think he put a pencil in her or something. Wait a second, Brian. I said stop guessing what their thing was. This is like a live sexual harassment thing. I'm baiting her. It almost seems like that's why Brian put this show together was just so he could really creep on Chick. Yeah.

That's pretty much why he's done everything that he's done. Would you like some sweet tea? It's crazy that incest is the thing that gets you going. That's weird. It's taboo. It's taboo. It's fun to talk about. He's a sexual deviant, this Brian.

He's into anything weird, I'm guessing. Pat, what's the closest you've ever hooked up to somebody? You said you want to hook up with somebody that looks like your mom. What's the closest you ever got? Well, on Saturday, I hooked up with a girl who was 5'11", and my mom's 5'11", brunette, curvy. Black. No, not black. I hooked up with a girl who was 5'11", and my mom's 5'11", brunette, curvy, so... Black. No, not black. I hooked up with a black girl last night.

Wait, what? What? What'd you say? What? Oh, nothing. We don't need to air my personal things, but I think if you people are saying that you don't want to fuck your mom or your dad or your brother or your sister, you're full of horse shit.

Is there any truth to this? I don't think so. People don't like to talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable. He's referring to the anaphyse complex. You're a craziness, man. You don't know what I'm talking about at all, Brian? No.

My sister has really nice tits, too, and I don't want to suck on them at all. Whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. a minute contradictory there big areolas and everything but she well wait a second like everything i should want but it's not comfortable are you gonna describe her wet pussy next for us brian whoa oh that's where you guys draw the line you fucking i feel like i feel like maybe it's possible pussies audience right now i think it's possible. You're the white pussies audience right now. I think it's possible that Sinbad time travels and he saw this episode.

And he was like, man, you know what? A family emergency, I think. Because you guys are fucked up. You know what happened? Everything was going fine, and then you said John Johnson. Everyone just got weird, man. Those feet made everyone weird. It was. It was too much.

Unbelievable. Ellie, did you see John's feet when he was up here? No, I didn't get to see them, and I feel like I missed out. What's the most interesting handicap that a man's had that you've hooked up here? No, I didn't get to see them and I feel like I missed out. What's the most interesting handicap that a man's had that you've hooked up with? This is a really good question. One-eyed guy. Lazy eye.

I mean, it could really be anything. Your brother. I hooked up with a guy once who was missing a hand but he was really hot. He was super hot. He just lost at rock climbing,

which is extra hot, I think. But he didn't have a hand. No hand. Did it not allow him to go elbow deep in you? Oh my God. Brian. Why? Look what you did.

We're all thinking it. Look what you did. Now they're on your side of this. Somehow. Look at these people rooting for sexual harassment. He nailed it. But seriously, you guys tried. You had to have tried that. your side of this. Look at these people rooting for sexual harassment. He nailed it. You had to have tried that.

It's just so nice to be at the comedy store and feel like a really safe space for women. Free the nipple then. It is. Nub blasting. We don't mean to be aggressive. Normally we have a hands off approach on this stuff.

We're really hands-off. I can't wait two minutes. Two minutes from now when Pat does the hands-off joke, that is going to fucking crush it. Yeah, when I fat Jew it. We actually have your, the guy with no hand is here. He actually got tickets from StubHub to be here. Really excited about it. with no hand is here. He actually got tickets from StubHub to be here.

Really excited about that. So it was a rock climbing accident? That's what he told you? Yeah, that is what he told me. I didn't verify, but he does rock climb. Did he mention that he was there for like 128 hours or anything? Wait, he rock climbs post losing a hand? Yeah, he does that too, yeah. So brave.

That's what's known as a death wish, actually. Yeah. I lost both my hands, but I'm still pursuing boxing. I think it's my future. It's like John Johnson having those feet and wearing sandals. Yeah. Risk taker.

Did he do anything different or special that a guy with two hands doesn't do? I mean, obviously it was just like a lot of cunnilingus focus, which is always better anyway. So I feel like I didn't even notice. That's right. Can't lose that tongue rock climbing. Ellie, it was so nice meeting you. Fun stuff. Thank you.

What's a fucker brother? Can't beat that. You're from Kansas. Yeah, I mean, she's all about brother fucking, and there's something respectable about that. Did anyone who signed up tonight not have first and last names that have similar lettering? Ellie McElvain and John Johnson, everybody.

Ellie McElvain, by the way, is on Twitter at EllieMCE. McElvain, thank you, Pat. Fuck yeah. She's on Twitter at EllieMCE. L-E-M-C-E. E-L-L-I-E-M-C-E. You know Ellie, huh, Pat? Yeah, we did a show together last night.

I mean, I've known her for... We just mic'd together. Wait a second. I'm starting to put this all together now. Well, you know, like... Were you doing shows last night or fucking black chicks? What was it? Both.

Nice. Wow. Yeah. You know, I know a lot of people here because I'm still in the mic scene. So I go out and I fucking These are my peers I love it Why do you do that?

Why are you still doing open mics? Because I am addicted to stage time So it's like I'll do three sets I'll do two mics and then a show Just because I have nothing else That makes me feel validated I put it like this So I have nothing else that makes me feel validated because I have a I put it like this so I have a

it's like picture I have a gas tank in my body but there's a leak in it and no matter how much gas you pump in gas being validation it can never fill up save that answer for for a gay blog or something that wants to write about it.

I don't know why you're pitching it here. My passion for stand-up is like I have a gasoline leak. What the fuck? He wants someone to fill him up is what he's saying. Yeah. I think John Johnson's down.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Oscar Vargas, everybody. Wow, John Johnson, man. Jesus Christ. I'm not sure if we should raise money for his feet or put him down. Johnson, man. Jesus Christ. I'm not sure if we should raise money for his feet or put him down, man. So I'm Oscar Vargas. I'm 24 years old. I've been with my girl for seven years now. It's

a long fucking time when you're this young, man. I'm at the part of the relationship right now where she's just dropping hints for the ring like every freaking day, man. It started off kind of subtle in the beginning, but now it's just like a good morning text message and the O's are the ring emoji. I'm like, fuck, I get it, bitch. I can't even respond because my phone doesn't have a middle finger emoji. Next update, baby. Getting close to proposing, though. She's really beaten down on me. Her birthday is coming up, so I think I'm going to finally get her the ring on Blu-ray. Did I spoil her? I think my time's up, man.

I don't have enough time for another joke. 57 seconds. You're right. Oscar Vargas. Yo, B. Fuck, yeah. Oscar Vargas. So you've been with this girl for seven years? Seven years, B. Fuck yeah. Oscar Vargas. So you've been with this girl for seven years?

Seven years, yeah. Wow. That's all true, huh? It really is. You're 24. 24. And how old is she? 23.

23. So there was a period of time when you guys fucking was illegal, huh? Ooh. Yeah. Well. What was that like for you? I mean, it wasn't like, not like Jared level. Right.

Jesus. All the guy did was fuck a couple kids, and now he's got to be ridiculed on a podcast? They're putting him up on a cross. Not even that, though. You heard his charity. He never even gave away any money to the. Really? He collected all this money for charity for Jared's kids.

He was supposed to give them to schools to talk about obesity. And they'd all went into massage oils, lubricants. Oshkosh. Yeah, it all went. Replacement Oshkosh. It all went to salaries for the charity. I was like,

God damn, dude. You fucked those kids twice. Love the Sons of Gargis. I mean, all I'm wondering right now is why didn't you do 30 seconds on Josh Johnston and then follow up with 30 seconds of Jared material? Because I think that would have crushed a lot harder. You could have had a grossed out by a foot long segue. Yes.

Somewhere in there. You could have rolled right into it. So you're down to sex once a month, right? No, no, no, actually, no. He's Latino. They have sex like once a ten minutes. Seven years, though. That's a long-ass time.

I've been there, and it got rough. No? She's Latino as well, right? It got rough because it got dry? Yeah, it got dry. It was once a month. This dude's outgrossing out Brian now. That's impressive. Oh, I want to know his secret. How do's outgrossing out Brian now with shit. It's impressive.

Oh, I want to know his secret. How do you keep active in the bedroom? By fucking Mexicans, Brian. His name's Oscar Vargas. I think you're missing it. See? She's Mexican. Of course.

Oh, well, no, I won't ask that. What does she do for work? She works at a radio station. What do you do for work? I work at a bank. Really? I know. You're a teller?

Banker. Banker. Banker. Wow, like a real pro banker. Like you're one of those guys. What bank? Wells Fargo. You son of a bitch. You son of a...

What about those... Giving out fucking stuffed horses all day, huh? Overdraft charges, huh? Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, explain yourself on behalf of the company right now Is that how you get all those free suckers? Every bank does that Brian

I don't think you guys I don't think you should marry her Why not? You're 24 man You're 24 you shouldn't marry her Yeah not yet If you're coming up with bits about How she's pressuring you and you're not into it,

that's probably not a great sign. If you're just like, you know what, this is something that can come from the heart. Let me call her right now. Yeah, I think it's probably best if you break up with her on the show tonight. It really is. I'd love that. You want to do that? Want to call her?

Put her on speaker? Come on. I'd love that. You want to do that? I want to call her, put her on speaker. Okay. Come on. Now, Pat brought up an interesting point earlier saying that everybody wants to fuck their sisters and brothers.

Do you ever find yourself wanting to fuck the hundreds and hundreds of sisters that you have? Never. Never. It's like white people thing, I think. I don't know. I didn't. I didn't.

He's got a point. How long have you been on stand-up? Well, a year has passed since the first time I did it, but I've probably been up on stage like... Is that the first line in your novel? Yeah. A year has passed. It's been a year since you did it once.

Maybe like, nah, probably been up on stage like 20 times. Not bad for that, man. I mean, it's a lot better than most bankers in terms of dedication to the craft. Do you ever tell the bankers that you do stand up? Is that like a thing

like, uh-huh, there's Oscar the funny guy. You know? Are you that guy? You do jokes around the office? No. No, I've never. Guy walks into a bank. An oldie but a goodie.

Is your girlfriend ever... You ever do, like, wacky jokes to, like, customers and stuff? Like, hey, you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Things like that. Super stupid bullshit like that. Take that one to work if you don't. Does your girlfriend ever like... Take that one.

We'll use that one tomorrow. Your girlfriend ever like... Oscar, why don't you ever make a deposit in me? Wow. Wow. Patty Reagan is stealing this episode out of nowhere. That might be the most racist thing I've ever heard. Was that the Mexican accent that you were doing?

Can we hear a little bit more of Oscar's future wife talking to him? Hey, Oscar. I will marry you in a heartbeat. But you should know that it's a mistake. There it is. I mean, I didn't even know Pat was a hot Asian slash Mexican chick until just now. Oscar, so have you ever even been with another girl? Yeah, before this chick.

Before this chick. Before this chick. Dude, when I was 13, I was fucking slaying. Before this broad, I was with a couple dames. Before this chick that I'm considering marrying. That's a t-shirt. I'm a romantic guy. What can I say?

I love it. I love the way you dress. Like you're doing security at a Chuck E. Cheese or something like that. It's really incredible. Apple store employee. I don't have to see his toes.

I like the way he's dressing. That's true. You definitely just need stage time, man. That's how good you are after 20. If you really start doing it a couple times a week, you could really succeed pretty fast, I would imagine. You seem to get it. You don't seem nervous on

stage. You just need to do some editing and listen to your sets. I think you have a good future if you do it. Some encouraging words by the sexual predator, Brian Redman. Sometimes he overcompensates. He's like, I don't want to fuck this dude, so I'll just give him some advice instead. Dude, I'm a banker at Wells Fargo.

I think he works at my branch. He can get all those extra expenses taken off probably if you fuck him just right. Yeah, that's right. Any parting words, Oscar? How did this go for you? You a big Sinbad fan? I've actually never listened to this podcast. That is fucked up.

Thanks, Oscar. Get the fuck out of here. Thanks, Oscar. What a piece of shit Oscar is. He's Mexican, guys. Podcasts don't play over FM radio. Bank of America rules. In his defense, if there was an accordion

on the show, I guarantee he would fucking have heard this shit. There he goes, everybody. Oscar Vargas. He's on Twitter. And hey, it's Oscarito. Oscarito. That's a burrito joke. It's an Oscarito. Hey, it's

Oscarito. Can I get a whiskey ginger, Josh? Oh, shit. Fuck yeah, Patty Reagan's going for it. Dude, this guy's on fire tonight. Yeah, he's just letting it rip. Dude, I've been fucking working 14, 15-hour days. No fucking...

God damn it. I love it. Disgruntled Pat is a lot better than normal Pat. Yeah. Josh, any word from Sinbad? No. a lot better than normal Pat. Yeah. Josh, any word from Sinbad? Uh, no. I'm telling you, man, he saw the episode.

Sinbad ain't coming tonight. Oh, man. Hey, but I don't want the artist to think that he can get away with not drawing Sinbad. So if you wouldn't mind, just pull up like a pic

from different worlds or something. That would be great. Just throw Dwayne Wayne in there, too, if you have to. All right. No Sinbad. Let's just keep the fun train rolling along. Yeah. I think Pat's filling in for Sinbad.

Easy tonight. He's stepping it up. He's finally raging. Yeah. He's letting it rip. He's coming out with all the things that have failed over the months and months and months. He's finally raging. Yeah. He's letting it rip. He's coming out with all the things that have failed over the months and months and months. He's killing tonight. That didn't get any laughs.

He's got the creepy eyes going. Ross is completely mean. Please don't cry, Pat. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Weird handwriting. That's always a good sign. Put your hands together for Tal Mordahoy. Yeah.

Mordahoy. Yeah. Mordahoy! Oh, yeah. How's it going? How's it going, everybody? Yeah. Thank you very much. My name is Tal. I'm from Israel.

I came all the way from the Middle East to talk to you for 16 seconds. I'll tell you something a bit personal about myself. I really hate sexual harassment. Really hate it. But I love Jewish magicians. I'll explain. Okay, hold on. Hold on. I'll explain. So there was this story

in the Israeli news not too long ago about a highly ranked police officer sexually harassing like females. And he took one of them on an official police trip abroad and sexually harassed her there and and I was shocked

you know because the trip was to fucking Auschwitz I was like what the fuck and the media are still giving him shit I was like this guy is amazing

he could get an erection in Auschwitz I can barely get an erection in Auschwitz. I can barely get an erection at home. Oh my God. There it is. A minute. Fuck yeah. All the way from

Israel, huh? That's incredible. Is that Oscar Vargas in a hat by the way? Oscar Vargas put on a hat and a head coach whistle. Whatever that is. What's that necklace? It's a vertebra, man.

It's a what? Not a real one. A vertebra. A vertebra? Yeah. What is that? A bone? A vertebra.

A frat guy's neck? No, vertebra is plural. It's a backbone? It's a backbone. Yeah, vertebrae vertebrae it's a backbone it's part of a backbone vertebrae is plural vertebrae is single not in English can you google it

I study medicine so I think I know better wow Israel slow your roll yeah I mean the first sign that comedy said is not going to go well is usually when you say, I study medicine. I think you're studying the wrong thing then. But how many times have you been on stage?

Four. That's the fifth one, I think. Fuck yeah. That's great. But you got, yeah, he's got the stage hat. Yeah, totally. Really bad hair day. What's the hair look like?

Are you balding? Not really. Do you look 39? What do you have? Just a Gaza strip? Oh my God, put that hat back on. What the fuck is going on? Just kidding.

I like it. I like you no hat. You kind of have Pat Regan hair. You just need to put some crew pomade in there, man. Baby, I like you. No hair. No hat. Does he look like your brother at all, Pat?

What you? No. No, that's an Israeli guy. I got a pretty good ass. Somebody told me right before the show that a guy came all the way from Israel to do the show. Now, what's the truth behind that? Do you listen to this show in Israel? Yeah, I'm a huge fan of comedy in general.

And I started doing comedy in Israel in English because just the wording and the rhythm of it is so much different and more, I don't know, it's just beautiful to me. And Hebrew is a very visceral. Now what happens? It's like Arabic. It's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Right, right. There you go, Tal. It's intimidating.

I'm pretty sure you just wrote your new opener. Yeah, exactly, man, exactly. So I started, in Tel Aviv there are open mics in English. Four people go. So I got to perform in front of three. How many of them threw rocks at you? No. No Arabs.

No Arabs. Amen. Wow. Somebody does not like Arabs up here. By the way, just for the protocol, I did serve in the army. You trashed me about that. I love it. Was that you that said that you didn't?

No, you said I... He said he left the Army. He's saying he didn't leave the Army. He served in the Army. He's free and clear and doing comedy now. You served your time. How many Americans have you killed? I didn't kill nobody.

Just so you know in America very uncomfortable with the Holocaust in general so making Auschwitz jokes is just going to make

people uncomfortable for the most part I'll tell you do I have like 20 seconds to explain when I first time I did this

did this bit it was in Israel and a guy a friend of mine his grandparents went to the... I got it. Okay. His grandparents were Holocaust survivors. Right. And he was laughing

and there was this dyke super liberal. Yes. Yes. What the fuck? My God. Guys, it's... But she was offended because... He knows when to use that word because he studied The fuck? My God.

Guys, it's bad. But she was offended. He knows when to use that word because he studied medicine. Talk about fitting into America, my friend. Well played. Peels off his mask. He's Donald Trump. Dyke, super liberal. The point is that she was super offended.

She came up to me after the show And it was the first time I ever did stand up You mean this is one of the Four audience members Yes And she came up to complain to you Yeah

And she said You should never make A sexual harassment joke Ever And I was like We're talking about people dying Yeah And it was like ridiculous

And then I was like I love this bit. If it made somebody really mad, there's something to it. Did she say that she liked the bit halfway through? Is that what you just said? No, she was just one of those like super just wants to be offended. He was saying that. And then you decided to do some undercover work on her, dig up some dirt on her.

So you bought that hat. No, I actually. You got a notepad and a pencil. You started doing your fucking research on this fucking dyke, am I right? I mean... Filthy liberal cunt. Right.

Go eat box somewhere else, lady. We're telling sexual harassment Holocaust jokes over here know your audience cunt yeah you can't do some people say you can't do sexual harassment jokes some people say you can't do Holocaust joke I like your style tall cross the streams yeah you both go a little bit of both busters on it yeah what do your parents do in Israel? My dad's a doctor, a medical doctor, and my mom's a lawyer.

A medical doctor. No, because in Europe you can have a doctor degree in law. Love? Bitch. Damn. Look at it. He got the crazy stare. Okay, I look Mexican, but I'm not that dumb.

Damn. Damn. Oscar! Damn! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Boo! Paul versus Oscar tomorrow night. That was cheap. He came all the way from Israel to be racist as fuck.

Jesus! Racist, sexist. It was cheap. It was cheap. I'm sorry. I never got to perform in front of Never apologize in America. Ever. No, you got to own it just like that. It's all good. No one's mad at you.

And also, I can pretend I'm Mexican like Carlos, you know? Oh, my God. Can you do a better Mexican impression than Pat? I don't even know how they... What do you think about the fat Jew? Oh, Jesus. This fucking guy. Brian, nobody helps this guy's

career more than you. I actually listened to that podcast with Joe and you were talking about that. So fuck him. He's stealing shit from other people. But you hate all Jews, right? Or do I have that backwards? Well, I hate more Jews than I hate Arabs because I know more Jews. Okay, so you

hate in general. You're a hater. Can we do an all-out race ranking from you real quick? Can we get all of your favorites in order? Some kind of... I love black people. Wait, that's at the top? Wow, I'm shocked. He just knows you have to say that.

Right, right. That's one that you can't joke about, so he's smart there. Let's forget about your favorites. Let's start at your least favorites. Who do you hate the least? How do you feel about Russians? Seems like you really don't like those dyke-ass Mexicans. Who does?

Who I really hate? You can say anything. Are you Jewish? What's your background? You're Jewish? Yeah. Okay. And just who do you find deplorable to you?

I don't really hate Russians because my parents are from USSR. Basically, they moved to Israel, so they spoke some Russian kind of in the house. So who? Who do you? I don't like. Come on. Get to the good shit. Okay.

The Arabs. Fine. Yes. They're just. It's a solid clap for an Arab hater right there. I don't hate a group of people. I just hate a lot of people out of a lot of groups. Yeah. USA.

USA. I love you. You're so honest. Yeah. They don't fuck around in Israel. There's no being fake. They just fucking bring it. They say that shit to your face.

We have no choice. Like, if we slip, then we get fucked up. We had eight wars, and we won each and every one. And if we lose a war... Oh, sure, rub Vietnam in our face. I get it. We didn't win them all. Sorry about that.

But if we do lose a war, we're a teeny tiny country. So that's it. It's over. Yeah. So we have to defend ourselves, and we're... Could country. So that's it. It's over. Yeah. So we have to defend ourselves and we're... Could you imagine though the...

A bit aggressive. The enemy goes and tries to attack and you get a fucking army dressed like this. Fucking... Just beating your ass. Fucking skinny jeans.

I don't know why you showed us the ass. That was a little weird. That was for you, Brian. It's like Corey Feldman. What do you do for work? Well, I dropped out of med school like four months ago in my final year. Hey, remember when you were bragging about studying medicine, motherfucker?

Yeah. Well, I guess we're all doctors now. No, but if you had a little bit of patience, you would know that I would tell you that I dropped before my final exams because I didn't want to graduate. Not because I failed. Well, if you would have finished medical school, you would have had a little bit of patience. How about that, you son of a bitch?

That's actually the thing. It took me six years. In Europe, you do six years. So uppity. Every time they say, in Europe. No, it's different. Just say it. We know you're in Europe.

What college are you going to? Undergraduate program. It's a bit different. We don't do shit in this country in college. I know what you're saying. Where are you going to school? I'm sorry. I love America.

I apologize. You're okay. Stop apologizing. The mocking. He's making me apologize. You're okay. Stop apologizing. The mocking. He's making me apologize. He's not making it. Rick Ingram, the apologies maker. Where did you go to college?

Where were you going to med school? I actually studied abroad in Budapest, Hungary. Hungary. Fuck yeah. The Harvard of medical countries. That's where you want your doctor to be from. He's right on Asian doctor get out of here Send me someone from Hungary god damn it I want this to go well

Have you ever seen anything like John Johnston's feet before I actually sat all the way in the back So I couldn't like maybe later Check him out man There's got to be some sort of a medical issue going on Okay yeah I'll I'm going to see what's up Worst case scenario you go back to Hungary and you go Check them out, man. There's got to be some sort of a medical issue going on. There is. Okay, yeah.

I'm going to see what's up. Worst case scenario, you go back to Hungary and you go, I saw something that can't be fixed. I'm not going back to Hungary. Never. Does your dad specialize in some form of medicine? Yeah, he's a children's doctor. Children's doctor. Yeah.

Fuck, yeah. There's like a little theme going on during this episode. A lot of child play. Yeah. Mainly in Ellie's world. How long are you in LA for? I got here last week. One-way ticket, huh?

No. Jesus Christ, I have no patience. No, I got here last week. What is this patience thing? Do you know you're at a live show right now? Okay, I'm sorry. I got here last week. What is this patience thing? Do you know you're at a live show right now? Okay, I'm sorry. I got it last week, and I'm leaving to New York in like – What? The World Trade Center? New one?

No, no. He hates Arabs. He hates the Arabs. They are the only one he mentioned for sure. But that's why he wants to do a better job than they did at taking – he wants to take down the New World Trade Center. That's my theory. This is a xenophobic episode.

Oh. You guys know what xenophobic means? Was I too racist to the most recent guest ever on this show? What? Am I? Perfect.

He was perfectly racist. It was beautiful, though. It was perfect. It's the only show where that works beautifully. Yeah. I like everything about him. How do I say your names

that I don't botch it again? Tal Zizi and Mordechai. Like the Johnny Depp did this shitty Mordechaich it again? Tal Zizi and Mordechai. Like the Johnny Depp did this shitty Mordechai movie. I can't do that weird movie sign you guys do. Mordechai. I'll leave Pat on that. Mordechai.

It's actually my middle name. My last name is Naveh, but I was like, Tal Naveh for a comedian sounds too bland. Too bland? Too bland. Fuck yeah. Like John, Sort of like John Johnson. Do you only wear the hat on stage or can we catch you

walking dogs with it? I like hats. You like the hat? I do. Fuck yeah, Tal. It was nice meeting you. Thank you so much. All the way from Israel. He made it. Beautiful country. Fuck yeah. Little. Thank you so much. I like Saul. All the way from Israel, he made it. Beautiful country.

Fuck yeah. Little fist bump. Hell yeah. He knows all the American customs. They taught him everything. Hate. His hate was off the charts. I fucking, we should give him a green card.

It was incredible. I want him to stay. Yeah. I love him. I love the fact that he just, when I asked him what his least favorite race is, he just goes, I love black people. They're my favorite. For sure, they're cool.

You can tell somebody's gotten sucker punched in the face once. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go again. It's Genevieve Darling, everybody. Genevieve Darling. Yes. Woo! Bye! Genevieve darling yes hey everyone I'm from Philadelphia originally one of the

biggest differences between Philly and LA for me is the homeless people homeless people back east they'll walk up to you they'll ask you for money and then they'll leave you alone homeless people in LA they'll walk up to you, they'll ask you for money, and then they'll leave you alone. Homeless people in LA, they'll walk up to you, they'll ask you for money, and then they'll ask you to go into Whole Foods to buy them kombucha. Because homeless people in LA, they care a lot about their gut bacteria. Fermented foods. My mom still lives in Philly. Here's a fact about my mom. My mom's always been really obsessed with wrinkle-free skin. Her idea of teaching me the facts of life when I was a kid included regular trips to the Lancome skincare counter so that she could buy me age-defying eye cream and skin moisturizers.

So she took me to Lancome, and I was eight at the time, and she put the eye cream on me, and she looked at me, and she said, Wow, you look seven. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Genevieve Darling. All right. This is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah. Reef, Philly. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three years. Nice. Everyone? Yeah, everyone tonight. Yeah, like three or four years.

You do it. How often do you do it? You know, once every three or four years. I've been getting up like, I don't know, like three nights a week. Okay. And you live in Philly or you live here now? No, I live in Santa Monica. Oh, nice.

Yeah. So how long have you lived out here? For a year. You're very soft-spoken. Like at first I thought you seemed like you were really nervous, but then I don't know, it might just be that you're very quiet with the way you talk. Have people told you that? I was feeling a little nervous when I came up here because I did not expect that I was going to be picked.

It's always weird. People, they always say they don't expect to be picked, but they're in the bucket. Yeah, they sign up before the show for the chance to be on the show, and nobody's ever expecting to be on. You look like my friend's ex-girlfriend, Meg. Do you get that a lot? But I like you. I will say this. For being from Philly and for only being by the beach for a year,

you seem very beachy. You seem very mellow and not Philly, like most people from Philly and for only being by the beach for a year, you seem very beachy. You seem very mellow and not Philly. Most people from Philly are like... You would have come up here and just put cigarettes out on each of us. It was like, hello. Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you. What's your five least favorite

races? I think that's Kyle Calvert it alright we already know the first two you can start with three you got so excited you almost broke the table for a second Brian because you're so quiet you definitely need to I don't know because I felt very

calm and relaxed when I was listening to you that I wasn't really paying that much attention at one point. You were also masturbating. No, no. But to break free from that, I think you have to have some ups and downs instead of that hypnotic voice that you do.

That very calm, relaxing, soothing voice. Monotonous, I think. Have you ever thought about reading people to sleep for a living? Or working at a hospice and just sending old people to the other side. It's a very smooth voice for that. Can you say that into the mic for us? Can you say, it's going to be okay, just keep...

I don't know, what would you say? It's going to be okay. Just breathe this pillow in. This mic isn't even on. Is it on? Yeah. That's just how quiet you are. That's what we're talking about right now. This mic isn't even on. Is it on? Yeah. It's on. That's just how quiet you are.

That's what we're talking about right now. I'm really not that quiet. I feel like I have a very full voice. And I don't know. I think I was... Genevieve Darling. Is Darling your real last name? No.

That's an interesting last name to go for. More porn star than John Johnston. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Genevieve is a porn star first name, and Darling is a Hollywood actress wannabe's last name. Whoa. So aggressive tonight.

I was waiting for him to miss all night. There it is. It sounded like a YouTube comment. So I'm a wannabe Hollywood porn star? No. The filly was starting to come out there. What are you saying? Pull some brass knuckles out

and just fucking break your glasses. It was going to be so good. How many fights have you been in? Good question. Physical fights. That's a Philly answer, by the way. There's 40 types of fights. I talked three people into suicide verbally.

It's a Philly thing. Like knife fights or gun fights? The fact that you're asking is proving our point exactly. Let's just collect them all into one number. How about a machete fight? How many machete fights have you... Anything? No fights.

No physical fights, no. Wow, you were always just the one watching, yelling, World star! Filming with a hoagie. Did you live in a nice part of Philly? I'm getting the vibe that you might have lived on that one block in Philly that I live. I grew up in the suburbs of Philly. There you go.

But then I lived in the city for like 10 years. Yeah. What'd you do there? I was a professor at one point, taught nutrition at some colleges. My mom taught nutrition. Yeah. Dude, that's big news in your world. Oh, fuck yeah.

Starting to relate to family members for Pat. Look out. That's not a drum. That's his boner hitting on the back of the guitar. I think he just found a new darling. One of my first jobs out of college, I was an STD counselor. Oh, hell yeah. So I worked for a non-profit and I...

Which one tastes the best? God damn it. Which STD? How do you counsel people for STDs? Are you teaching them how to not get them? Or are they coming to you and they're like, I've got chlamydia, and you're like, that sucks. Yeah, they're like, I have this green stuff

coming out of my anus. Oh, my God. Jesus. Is that a real thing? Well, if you have gonorrhea and you fuck a girl on the butt, it could happen. How do you know that? And are you that girl? No. How do you know that, And are you that girl?

No. How do you know that, Brian? Because it's true. It's simple STD math. No, it's not simple STD math. I'm pretty sure you have to have gonorrhea to find that out. Can we get Tal's medical opinion on this before? Wow, so was that the worst job ever?

I feel like there's got to be comedy there. Oh, yeah yeah there is i have i mean i have a bit about that because i during when i had that job i just became the most paranoid person in the world because i was spending my days absorbing a lot of paranoia from other people yeah i mean can you do you feel comfortable going out and fucking after you listen to gonorrhea stories all day yeah not really not really. Do you feel comfortable fucking in Philadelphia in general? I feel like it's just going to be a lot of abusive alpha males. It's like really hyper-inspecting a lot of penises.

You know, like, oh, is that just a hair follicle? Or is that something I should be worried about? Is that really what you did? You would be checking out penises as a counselor or is that like No, no. This is a hobby. Oh, I see.

When I would be presented with a penis. She knows how guys do it. Hey, I want to present something to you. I hope you like it. It's a little gangrene right now. So condom only with you, right?

Condom only with you, right? I can't believe you asked these questions. What? It's incredible. It's incredible. She just said she's so paranoid, so you have to wear a condom to have sex with you. Yeah, you have to get tested, too.

Every girl's going to say yes on a fucking live stream show. No, not really. No, not me, Brian. I like getting raw dogs. Thank you. Brian's waiting. The one time he gets that answer, his heart's just like,

I found my girl. For me, there's no risk like I found my girl. For me, there's no risk. I'm not into it. It's bareback or nothing. Especially with guys that have already indicated that they have gonorrhea in the last five minutes. Are you a squirter?

Oh my god, that is it. That is it. You've gone over the line, Brian. I hope you're talking to Patty Regan. I'm trying to turn this fucking thing into a TV show someday. You're going all out. Cinemax. That's where we're going to have to sell this thing.

We have the cast names for it. Genevieve Darling, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on this show. There she goes. Over at the Darling. She's on Twitter at DarlingV. V-I-E-V-E. Darling V.

Some interesting Twitter handles tonight. Don't forget about Tal Mordahite Jr. On Twitter, guys. For God's sake. For G-D's sake. Josh, where's Sinbad? Josh. Josh.

Son of a bitch. Sinbad, where's Joshbad? Josh. Where's Josh? Sinbad, where's Josh? Right now, Sinbad and Josh are having the funniest podcast out there. So, you were on television at one point? Was it you and Suzanne? Josh, where's Sinbad? God damn you. Really? Boo!

Boo! How dare you? He is one of my heroes. Very professional, Josh. Well, he's going to be pulling in the parking lot any minute, so we get him up here when he pulls in instead of letting him. He'll be the guy in the Miami Dolphin color zoo baths. and he pulls in instead of letting him.

He'll be the guy in the Miami Dolphin color zoo baths. Guys, let's move on to the part of the show where we get to our two regulars. Ever since we started the show, we've had two regulars that go up and do a brand new 60 Seconds each week. Recently, we started out with two new regulars. What happened to the old ones? They went down to the downstairs.

They do the original room now, the actual friends and family sets. Oh, okay. Graduated. Yeah, exactly. And now we close out with two new regulars. Still girls? Yeah.

Okay. Fresh. Brian, you're out of control. It's too much. This is like, oh, my God. Okay. He's even bothering John Johnston at this point. John Johnston just walked out of here on his hands.

People couldn't tell. They couldn't tell. Guys, so let's get it going. Your first regular, you know her, you love her from here. She's awesome. Good credit. She just broke her leg last week, but she's all better already.

Put your hands together for the great Melissa Esslinger. Yeah. Yeah. Hi. So, yeah, I hurt my knee last week, and I went to the emergency room with this giant knot on my – anyway, they told me it was a contusion, which is a really nice way of saying I'm a pussy.

But I found out that actually my femur crashed into the back of my kneecap, so I'm glad that my body's working together, you know, getting things done. My mom gave me a lot of Dimetap when I was a kid, like at bedtime. They made these lollipops out of it, and they were shaped like a teddy bear, and that was my teddy bear, the lollipop Dime-A-Tap.

My mom used to tell me that she wasn't afraid of me getting kidnapped because I talked too much and they'd just bring me back. So, I don't know. Am I too early? That's 53 seconds. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. All right. First of all, can I say for

the both of us that Melissa, I love this Stone Cold Steve Austin look that you went with. It's really nice. Oh, yeah. It should be glass shattering when she walks up here. Let me tell you something, Vince. I appreciate the opportunity to put it right there. I want to shake your hand. Well, Stone Cold, I can see no reason why I can't shake your hand.

No, Stone Cold Stunner. Yeah, I mean, with the knee brace and everything, it really sold the look. It's so funny. I feel so bad if you don't know anything about pro wrestling because it's hilarious. It's okay, Melissa. The first thing, you're pretty new to comedy. That's a totally different glass

shatter. You play with the cord a lot and it's very distracting. It's something you'll learn to get comfortable with but you just don't want to be lassoing. It looked like you were getting ready to do like that. I've been told a few times. You should just tweak your nips instead.

All right. I'll work on it. My God. And I had a question for Pat. He got really excited when he talked about Diamond Tap, I think it was. Yeah, Diamond Tap. And I was curious, were you excited about the medicine or the fact that she mentioned a mother? I have childhood memories of sucking that shit down.

It was grape and it tasted delicious. I do as well. They don't make that anymore, do they? It was taken off the market. They always take away the good shit. Do you remember Dynatap? I didn't get Dynatap. But I'm not sure.

Interesting. Yeah, my parents weren't trying to kill me, so it was a little different childhood. Now, yeah, did they make the lollipops, or you made the lollipops? No, they sold those in the pharmacy. And that was basically like Robitussin, right? I think so, yeah. It's a cough medicine.

I was a little confused with the way that the jokes all ran together. Were you saying that they gave you Dimetap to put you to sleep so that you wouldn't get kidnapped? Or were those not? No. Not related. Can I give you some advice? You didn't have like segues. And so it was like these 15-second snippets that felt a little unfinished.

They felt like sketches, like an artist's sketchbook. But you're awesome. So keep writing jokes. I think he's into her. Maybe focus on one of the topics and for the whole minute just try to throw anything you can think of tag it wise out.

It'll help you expand your material and stuff too if you do it that way. It's only a minute, so realistically, unless you do one-liners, you shouldn't be doing more than two bits the whole time. Usually just one, probably. I used to have a five-minute bit about being Michael Douglas' PA on Wall Street 2, Money Never Sleeps. PA stands for Penis Assistant, so I was his fluffer.

It's a five-minute bit. Five minutes on something that doesn't even have a funny premise. Interesting, Pat. It doesn't even work in five seconds. I have a five-minute bit. Five minutes on something that doesn't even have a funny premise. Interesting, Pat. It doesn't even work in five seconds. I have a question. Can I ask a question? Because I have a lot of just barely tapped into stuff. Barely dime-tapped into?

I'm trying to get deeper into those, but I'm also trying to find the ones where I'm like, oh, well, I keep talking about that again and again and again, so obviously I need to pull those together. It's all going to happen. You're going to figure it all out. You're writing and performing a new 60 Seconds a Week, and you already have a natural, super likable, nervous, fun thing going on.

So you're going to be just fine. And plus, you're one of the baddest motherfuckers in the world. Never mess with a Texas rattlesnake. There she goes, Stone Cold Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Woo! I hope he kills Kane! By God! Stunner!

Stunner! Your last and final comedian of the night is also one of the two newest regulars. 19-year-old, hilarious, super cool. Put your hands together for Allie Makovsky. John Johnson's moving closer.

Thank you. I had to get a colonoscopy in the ninth grade just so I could relate to my dad a little bit more. I don't know if you guys are aware of what a colonoscopy is,

but basically a doctor just takes a probe with like a GoPro at the end and just does like a little treasure hunt in your b-hole. And like right as I was about to go under anesthesia, the doctor was like, one, two, three, say cheese. And he took a picture of my face.

And like I wasn't too mad about that. I was mad that three, say cheese. And he took a picture of my face. And like, I wasn't too mad about that. I was mad that he said, say cheese. I was like, cheese is the reason I'm in here. I'm lactose intolerant and can't take a proper shit. There's these new glitter pills now. What it is, it's just a capsule filled with glitter. So that way when you shit, it comes out all cute and sparkly and stuff.

I think it's a fun idea, but I would never take a glitter pill because there's nothing cute about bloody glitter. Wow. Exactly a minute. She went there. Let it be shown that the set of the night was done by a fucking 19-year-old. Yeah.

Wow. Is that glitter pill real? Yeah. Wow. It sounds real. It's real. That's me finding out about it, too. Her set was almost like she knew what this show was all about.

She was prepared. Yeah. It was great. she knew what this show was all about. She was prepared. Yeah. It was great. Really, really fun. I love how you connected the colonoscopy with relating to your dad. That's so fun. Yeah.

Did it do anything for you, Patty? Just dad talk? Yeah. I mean, anything that's being honest about the connection we have sexually with our family members, I'm on board with. Man, how bad do I want to have your parents on as guests on this show? Sit right next to me one night. That would blow your fucking mind, dude. Oh, I would love it.

In my mind, I picture all of them looking exactly like him. Yeah, exactly. We should have them as guests. Yeah, totally. My mom would love it. Let's do it. What's your mom's name? Vicky Reagan.

And your dad's Ronald Reagan? John Joseph Reagan. JJ Reagan. My mom's watching on Ustream right now. I've met your mom. Hi Mrs. Makovsky. Yeah. I love it.

Your parents are still together? No. Is she single? This is, yeah. I love it. Your parents are still together? No, no, God, no. Is she single? Yeah, she is. Uh-oh. She's closer to my age. I don't think so. Is this the first time you've creeped on someone's mom on the podcast?

I don't know. I've never seen. How old's your mom, like 32? She'd get mad if I say it, but she's 57. Do you think we can call your mom on speaker right now and see if she finds Red Band attractive? If she's watching the Ustream, then she could see him. What's her number?

Is your mom ticklish? Do you know her number by heart? Yeah, I'm not going to give it out, though. You want to use Pat's phone? Yeah. Okay, great. Ladies and gentlemen, our first ever call to a mom on Kill Tony. It's finally happening.

I've tried to get this to happen ten times in the past two years. This is almost like a Jackie Robinson type moment. It is. It's a groundbreaking. How's your mom's feet? Better than what we've seen tonight. She's floppy. Hi, Mom.

I'm watching you. Yes. Boom. We have made contact. Yeah. Hello, Mrs. Makovsky. Hi, can you hear me? Yeah. I love you, Tony. You have a great show. Hi, can you hear me? Yeah.

I love you, Tony. You have a great show. Oh, thank you. Yes. Thank you. And it's gotten even greater since the addition of your super talented daughter. So thank you for making her. Or whatever you did. So if you've been watching the show, then you know what I'm

about to ask you. What do you think about... We're trying to find a new girl for my friend here in the white hat, Brian Redman. Are you ticklish, ma'am? Oh, you're so funny. What do you think about the Olive Garden? It's true, Brian Wow, you're a big spender too

What? Being torn down by a mom Mrs. McCoskey Just burned your ass Can we get her to be a weekly I love it Mrs. McCoskey Where are you at right now?

Where do you live? In Rossmore, Orange County Fuck yeah. Fudge yeah. Nice place. If you want to come one of these weeks and do a minute... Oh, Allie doesn't want you to. Forget it. No, no, no.

Forget it. No. No, it's okay. Would you be willing to go on a date with Brian Redband here in the white hat? Do you have Snapchat? Wait, wait, wait, wait. I love Brian Redband. He the white hat? Do you have Snapchat? Wait, wait, wait, wait. I love Brian Redband. He's so smart and funny. No, you're thinking of the wrong person. Yes.

The gunshot of truth. Yeah. What was that? Say that again. Oh. Oh. Just like with Ali's dad, you're breaking up. There she goes. Ali Makovsky, everybody.

A killer minute. Anything else for Ali? No, she was good. Amazing. Ali Makovsky. Follow Ali Makovsky. Follow Melissa Esslinger. They are the two new regulars on Kill Tony, everybody. One more time for them.

Josh Martin. Guys, I'm so sorry. Sinbad didn't make it. He had a family emergency. Maybe next time. Sorry for those of you that came specifically for Sinbad. He turned his back on us. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan J. Ebeld with tonight's drawing.

Follow him on Instagram and Twitter, Ryan J. Ebeld. It happened. Is Sinbad in there? He is. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Thank you.

As far as anybody needs to know, Sinbad was here and killed all night. Pat Reagan is on Twitter at Patty Reagan. P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Download his album. Pat Reagan smells like shit. What else, Pat? Come to my warehouse party this Friday. My band's playing.

It's in downtown L.A. I have flyers. Not too many comedians have a rave. He does. Go to his rave. Rick Ingram, one of the funniest ever. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys.

Check out the Comedy Store podcast if you enjoy podcasts. Look up the Comedy Store podcast. It's on iTunes. I just interview fucked-up comedians about shit they do in this building. Look up the Comedy Store podcast. It's on iTunes. I just interview fucked up comedians about shit they do in this building. Rick's hilarious the whole time. So follow everything Rick Ingram. Live audience, thank you so much. We did it again.

Brian Redband, thank you. Bye guys. Thanks. We'll be right back. I'm curious. you