KILL TONY - KILL TONY #122

Episode Date: October 22, 2015

Sinbad, Jimmy Carr, Sebastian Maniscalco, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 09/21/2015     Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Don't forget you can subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. It's got its own feed. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Just go to iTunes and search for Kill Tony. You can always download all the podcasts that we do together in one feed by subscribing to Death Squad. Check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for all his tour dates and info.

Also, me and Tony are bringing Kill Tony, what you're listening to right now, on the road. We're bringing it to Pittsburgh and Ohio. Friday, November 27th. That's like Thanksgiving week, guys. We're going to be in Pittsburgh. We got a Kill Tony,

followed by a comedy show. And then Sunday, November 29th, me and Tony will be in Ohio. Same thing, Kill Tony and a comedy show. We got some special guests like Aaron Kleber and Ashley Barnhill and some other surprises. You can also, if you were going to choose one person out of the kill tony show to open up for us on the comedy show so if you want to do a set in front of me and tony and some awesome other comics you can win by just going to kill tony and trying out your one minute all the information will be found at death squad dottv click on tour dates also me and tony are at the

comedy store every monday recording what you're listening to right now that's a free show 8 p.m every monday in the belly room and don't forget to check out shop squad.tv there you have all the death squad merchandise including the original, the first Death Squad shirt. We're doing a small, limited edition reprint of it, but this time it's yellow and black. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Chill Tony Fire 3.

You got it for Tony Hedger! Yeah! Oh, shit. Another packed motherfucking house. Are you guys ready for a crazy night or what, you motherfuckers? Keep it going for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen, on the ones and the twos. Fuck, yeah. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, sitting right

over there with a blank sheet of paper. He's gonna draw tonight's episode. And keep it going for your musical guest and fantastic one-man band, Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is, live in the flesh. Real quick, I'm going to be in Toronto next week at JFL 42.

So if you're listening live from Toronto, go to jfl42.com and buy tickets right now. I'm also going to be in Atlanta and somewhere else. Look at my website. Thank you very much. Brian? We're going to be for Thanksgiving in Columbus, Ohio and Pittsburgh. Tickets are about to go on sale very soon, so keep an eye out. Buy those live tickets.

Live audience, this is a podcast as well as a live show. So if you're wondering why we're doing plugs in front of you, we don't want you to come to those shows. Those are for the people listening to the actual podcast. It's like from the future or something. You know how it works. I always have a few of our funniest friends on. Normally we have two guests. Tonight we're going with three because they were available.

This is an extremely, extremely, extremely blowout special episode. I hope you guys are excited. My three funniest friends in town tonight go by the names of Sinbad, Sebastian, and Jimmy Carr. Fuck yeah. Listen to this fucking roar. Yeah, motherfuckers. We take Mondays to a whole another level.

A bunch of people, they go out on Fridays and Saturdays. Not this crazy audience. Jimmy Carr. It's always nice to be introduced as a friend, but I think you're slightly getting ahead of yourself. You were one of my best pals that I made in Montreal this

past festival. Let's agree to disagree and move on. Okie dokie. Jimmy Carr won the Roastmasters Invitational, which was fucking incredible. He lit everybody up in this giant 16-man roast tournament and took home a trophy. Yay.

Sebastian, this is your first time on this show. So good to have you. One of my favorite comedians to watch. And so fucking cool. I've been waiting for this. No, thanks for having me. When Tony called me up and said, there's an immense amount of talent coming through the belly room,

I said, sign me up. Let me see what you've got. I'm looking forward to seeing the talent tonight. I'm so excited to see you and your reaction to some of these comedians. Sometimes it doesn't go so well for them and nobody makes me laugh by critiquing something more than you,

Sebastian. That's very sweet of you. Thank you. And Sinbad is here again, everybody. Be back in the house, man. Second time on the show. Oh, man. We know him. We know him. We love him. Sinbad, what the fuck is up?

You know, man, I sometimes get called Sebastian. Sometimes people call me Sebastian. That's the name they come up with sometimes. They don't know my real name. They call me Sebastian. But I just kind of wait. When you talk, I can't wait to see what you about to do. Because I don't think you like him already.

I can already tell. You don't even like them. You don't even know them yet. You just like, no. I don't like too many them already. I can already tell. You don't even like them. You don't even know them yet. You're just like, no. I don't like too many people. I know, man. I can see, man. He's that quiet kind of British hate people.

But it's so done. It's so nice. It's so nice. It's just done with such niceness. Jimmy, you play nice. I know. No, go ahead. He's pure evil.

It's like that Simon Cowell. See, only can British people come here and dog us. We're like, oh, I play nice. I know. No, go ahead. He's pure evil. It's like that Simon Cowell. Only can British people come here and dog us. We're like, oh, I love him. It's so true. Y'all get away with that, man. Enjoy. I know. I know.

Murder's Row on this Monday night episode of Kill Tony. Welcome, everybody. We had over 40 comedians sign up tonight for the chance to do 60 seconds comedians you know your time is up at 60 seconds when you hear the sound of a kitty that's adorable isn't it that means wrap it up then

girls you're going to bring out the angry west hollywood bear that was the loudest obviously some parrots and some broken rocks in that one It was the loudest. Yeah. There was some, obviously, some parrots and some broken rocks in that one. So don't run your time, or else we're going to have to hear those annoying noises. Are you guys ready to start this shit or what? So uninterrupted,

and then we get to say whatever we want, an uninterrupted 60 seconds, and the first comedian that gets pulled out of the bucket tonight, a lot of names in here, goes by the name of Logan Gunselman. Yeah, hook it up. Hi, you guys.

Have you been told what your type is by the opposite sex, like what they see you as? Because I just found out my type, and my type, what I look like, is the Charlize Theron from Monster, but who tried. My face. And then in my body

people have always described my body as solid like I look like a hard working single mom already I don't want to go over 36 seconds oh wow that was really short fine I'll ask you guys a question

how long do you guys think that a cop has to be a cop so that when he sees another cop his first thought isn't oh shit it's a cop there you go wow Logan Gunselman

There you go. Wow. Logan Gunselman. Huge fan of Tomb Raider. Didn't realize you were funny. There it is. I'm sorry I wore shorts. I'm very sorry.

Don't apologize. Delightful. Yeah, that was amazing. Way to kick off the show with a fun 60 seconds. You did the show last week, right? Two weeks ago, and then you did the Ice House that Friday. You got a spot out of it. How are things going?

Is your real last name Gunselman? It is. Are you committed to that? I think maybe you should take a note from Sinbad and Sebastian and go with just the one name. Just use the last name. Just use the one name? Yeah, they won't know if you're a man, woman. They don't know what you are.

You get jobs. You know, this is a sexist business. If they don't know what you are, they go, oh, damn, I'm a chick. My first name is Logan, though. They still don't know. Yeah, that's kind of jacked. Yeah, you can still use that. Use they go, oh damn, I'm a chick. My first name is Logan though, they still don't know. Yeah, that's kind of jacked. Yeah, you can still use that. Use Logan too. Sorry, I'm slightly confused. You were born a woman, yes?

I know, yes, I was. I don't see gender. That was, you know, for 60 seconds, that was hard to do. She slammed. To do a 60 second routine and go and do what she did, I gotta give you some love, but that was good. Thank you. That was good. Logan, where are you from?

The San Fernando Valley. Not heard of it. Hey, I live there, man. I live there, bro. Sounds rough. It is rough. I actually grew up in Chatsworth and used to go to the Country Deli. I was there today.

That's still my spot. Wow. Westside. North. West. You know Sinbad's Del my spot. Wow. West side. North. You know Sinbad's deli off the top of your head like that. It was my dad's deli

and he was like, Sinbad goes there. Everybody over 50. It's an over 50 deli. Is it called Gunselman's Deli? It should be. It's an old country.

But everybody looks. Smokey Robbins is there. Sergio Entertainer. Brian McKnight. Wow. It's the only place to eat It's a good deli? I presume you work there do you Sebastian? Absolutely

Wow that's an interesting list of people that eat at that deli It's the only place to get breakfast Is that deli produced by Russell Simmons? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The names you dropped were incredible I gave it to four black people to go produced by Russell Simmons. The names you dropped were incredible. There's only four black people. I gave it to four black people to go.

That's all. That's all we got. Wow. That's all we got, man. So your dad owns a deli? No, but sure. Why not? Yeah.

No, he just ate there alone. Oh, it was your dad's deli. Yeah, it was like he would hang out there. Oh, interesting. That's fun. Sebastian, you ever go to the Valley? Is this how the show works? There's no rules.

It's just a free-for-all. No, Logan, I really love what you did up there and the self-deprecation humor and the shorts really did it for me. I liked it. It was very good. I thought she was good. I approve. We all liked you. We have nothing.

You know why I like that? Because you're going to get to see the full character change of Sebastian at some point during the show. Now we've seen Good Cop. It just makes me look... I can't wait for somebody to eat shit up here. Logan, you did too good. Logan, I don't have a show this Friday,

but the following Friday, I'd like to have you back at Death Squad because you did such a great job. Logan Gunselman. Got a gig out of it. Follow her on Twitter at A Dirty Guns. There she goes. Logan Gunselman.

One down. I think you make a very good point about Gunselman. We need to workshop that. Yeah, it's an interesting one. Can we punch up Gunselman, somebody? Send your punch-up to her on her Twitter at Dirty Gunz. G-U-N-T-Z. A Dirty Gunz.

A Dirty Gunz? A Gunz is like sort of an overhanging... Yeah. I think we have... Yeah, we can'tunt. A gunt is like sort of an overhanging... Yeah. Yeah. I think we have... Yeah, we can't call... Don't call yourself gunt.

Jesus. Especially a dirty gunt. That's like... How does that even happen? It's very difficult to keep a gunt hygienically. Yeah. It's just the sweat. Maybe like sliding headfirst into home base or something.

I could see getting a dirty gunt. But other than that... That's a picture it type of thing. Alright. Maybe this personal bomb. Put your hands together for Aaron Marquette, everybody. Oh, it's one time. People are already laughing.

That's a good sign. So it's very intimate in here. I feel like I can be very open with you all. I've recently been considering going to see a psychoanalyst. I wouldn't go see a psychiatrist because I already have a drug dealer. I don't really need another one. Like, I don't want to wait in line

for 30 minutes to get my prescription filled. I'd rather just chill on somebody's couch and play video games. I don't want to deal with any HMO unless HMO is just the latest name for chronic. Like, oh, dude, this HMO is so great. I'm going to take a half

eighth of that HMO. Okay, this is my first time here, so I didn't know what to expect. And so that's all I have. Fuck yeah, you are adorable. Aaron Marquette. I think he makes Sebastian very happy. I mean, hey,

you know, it was lukewarm. I'm sure after Logan, we did see a dip. Not so much in the talent, just a dip in the enjoyment of this gentleman's performance. I'm sure the horse of truth just came out, everybody.

When somebody says something super honest, the horse of truth comes out. Is that what that is? Wow, that's cool. It's one of the running things. No, I was basing it off the reaction of the audience. And it seemed like they were a little kind of like like I don't know, kind of like uneven. Didn't know where to go with that. Jimmy Carr is in firing position right now.

It looks as if your chin is racing your nose. It's just, it looks as if it's just won the race. So congratulations chin. it's just won the race. So congratulations Chin.

Holy fucking shit. That's amazing. Damn, I thought we were talking about people's comedy, not their faces. I thought that was the funniest thing. It's hard. Logan just set that bar. See, Logan came out and set that bar so high.

And then, you know, it's like you ever seen somebody high jump, and some people hit that bar, they go underneath it, and they crash into it? That's kind of what happened. It's not your fault. Sometimes you drag that back foot, and sometimes you thought you was over, but you just weren't. You were so close.

Aaron, how long have you been doing stand-up? On and off for like a few years. On and off. See, what does that mean? We don't know what that comics don't know. It means sometimes he talks into the mic and sometimes he's off. Oh. Is he allowed to talk? Yeah. Yes.

I was just checking. I didn't love it, if I'm honest. What do you mean by on and off? What does that mean to you? So I was in it for a long time, but then I started grad school, and that took up a lot of time. What are you studying in graduate school? Sociology.

And what did you graduate in before you went there? Sociology. So you're just doing more sociology? Yeah, I'm going to be a doctor. Of sociology? Yeah. Well, yeah, we know that. You're definitely not a doctor of comedy. No.

But you could use it. You could use the comedy with sociology. But you've got to do a little more study of comedy. Absolutely. So you're fairly well versed in the world of sociology. Are there any interesting sociology facts you could share with us?

Yeah. What is your area of study at the moment? Oh, man. It's like urban sociology. Urban? Urban sociology? Yeah. So would that be on Comedy Central quite late night?

Yeah. Boom. There it is. The horn of truth. We have different truthiness sounds. Okay. I love that you agreed with that Aaron Marquette No I agree with everything People have been very polite

Where are you from? Minnesota Wow How long have you been in LA? Three years Three years You going to USC? No San Diego

San Diego Maybe you've worked harder How do you like it down there? It's good I live here now Diego. San Diego. Maybe you've worked harder. How do you like it down there? It's good. I live here now. I'm just writing. The ladies are lovely down in San Diego, right? I want to know. I'm gay. But even if you're gay, you know

the ladies are lovely. I mean... That doesn't stop you. I'm a straight man. I know if a man's ugly. If a man's ugly ugly that's an ugly dude but he was gay in that do you ever talk about being gay in your stand up or are you just going shooting for that psychoanalyst

angle all the way no I do I do sometimes I'm developing some stuff but I try not to use it because I don't want to be the gay comedian you wouldn't because there's a bunch of them I always wondered what the collective noun for gay men was but it's a bunch

it's like a gaggle a bunch, gaggle I always thought it was a guns fuck yeah Aaron how often do you do stand up I always thought it was a gun. Fuck yeah. Aaron, how often do you do stand-up? So I'm getting back into it. So like now, yeah. How deep are you into it?

Deep? About like seven inches. Oh, Jesus. Look out. Damn. Wow. That black guy is like, you got to be fucking kidding me. He just leaned forward. I saw that. I was like, get the fuck fucking kidding me. He just leaned forward.

I saw that. Get the fuck out of here. I'm from the Midwest. What does that mean? Is that a dick-sized thing? Yeah, we're descended from German peasants. They're huge. They're built well.

Even the women. I get the feeling you know more about dick-sized than me. I'm going to let you be right on that one. Thank you. One thing I'm competent in. Do the Germans have bigger... I'm going to let you be right on that one. Thank you. One thing I'm competent in. Do the Germans have bigger, I'm going to my London correspondence. Yes, I'm from Europe. I'm well-versed.

I've seen a lot of their pornography, and yes, they do. Let's go with it. Why not? You've got to have a win. That is the horse of truth, and I also think I've seen that horse in a German porn, so he got a little excited there. Aaron, well, fuck yeah. Thank you.

Good stuff. Nice to meet you. Surprisingly, Aaron is not on Twitter. He did not leave a Twitter handle. However, he did leave a Grindr handle. Let's just keep it moving along. Seems like an interesting name. Cesar Lizardo. Cesar Lizardo.

What's up? So my name is Cesar Lizardo. I'm feeling it. What's up? So my name is Cesar Lizardo. I'm a black dude with an Italian name. People get really confused about what I am. And what I like to refer to myself as amniguous. You don't know what type of nigga I am. You don't know if I'm Egyptian, Brazilian, Drake, Will Smith.

I just go with it. Whatever people want to guess, I go'm Egyptian, Brazilian, Drake, Will Smith, I just go with it. Whatever people want to guess, I go with it, whatever. I got into the front seat of an Uber the other day because I'm a weirdo like that. The guy driving, he's this Indian guy. He looks right at me. He goes, what do you think I'm buddy? I was like, I gave him what he wants. I was like, I'm from India.

He was like, I knew it. I look at me. You're 100 Indian, motherfucker. He didn't even say percent. I was like, yeah, no, no, I'm not. He's like, but your parents are from India, yes? I was like, actually, they're from Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic.

What part of India is this? It's not. It's in the Caribbean. Actually, it's in the West Indies I knew it You 100 West Indian Motherfucker Cesar Lozada I'm not sure if we need

Sinbad and Sebastian With you here It feels like you could Stand in for both of them I don't get what that means The black Italian hybrid But I loved you on Sherlock You're exactly halfway through Yeah Oh you love me on What on of them. I don't get what that means. The black Italian hybrid. But I loved you on Sherlock.

You're exactly halfway through. Yeah. Oh, you love me on... Oh, no. Is it a Benedict joke? No, you're not. What? I'm just kidding. Have you been in a conversation before? Oh, God. What's going on? You went after the wrong man.

You just did. I know. See, so that was incredible. It looked like your can of beer was taking a phone call the wrong man. You just did. I know. I did. Yeah, I know. Yeah. See, so that was incredible. It looked like your can of beer was taking a phone call the entire time. I had my beer in my hand, and I was trying to record my set at the same time. Man, don't ever, just listen to this record. Don't ever walk up and self-record. That's just, no.

I thought you was reading notes. Oh, no. For a 60-second routine. I said, damn. Also, it's really unnecessary to record a podcast you know we're already recording us on next time next time

you can just record the recording if you really want to I can do that what's going on fucking love it it was good though I like how you just Come off the cuff And tell me how you feel

You know Got a little natural How long you been doing comedy It'll be a year in October Cool man My thing is I can tell you That first year

Just keep writing Some of that stuff Is just natural To tighten some of that stuff up Cause you got some Really good stuff there man I appreciate that Yeah you just tighten that up man

Sebastian Yeah no I liked it We looked like he interrupted you during a party, drinking a beer and texting. Hey, listen, I got to do a check. I just never saw somebody so relaxed with a beer and a cell phone in one hand. And he's texting right now.

He's texting. No, I'm going to Snapchat this shit. Oh, yeah, no. Get this. Again, Cesar, I don't think you get it. It's still a podcast. I know, but it's... And it's video, so you could Snapchat.

You can Vine it, Instagram it. That's in there. Yeah, that's it. Thank you. Oh, my God. Look what you did, Cesar. See, this new social media, man. This whole new generation. Snapchat, dude.

I don't know how you get titties on this. Yeah, I know, but you, this whole new generation, Snapchat, dude. You know? Yeah, just... I don't know how you get titties on this, you know? Yeah, I know, but you can get them out in real life, too. Not me. There he is again. I wasn't paying close attention, but whereabouts in India are you from? Dominican Republic, it's in the West Indies. Caesar, you were a lot of fun,

man. I mean, if you said, you know, you can start off any set with a minute like that and have momentum throughout the entire thing. You were throwing nothing but punches, and it was fun. And when you, yeah, my only recommendation would be to stop dressing like an out-of-work umpire.

Straight? Right. That's amazing that you've only been doing it a year, because you just stayed in the pocket and kept going. That's amazing. Again, I wish you would have bombed. You know, I was trying

to bring it. I was trying to bring it. Nothing happened. Our only comedian ever sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon. You know, I was trying to bring it. I was trying to bring it. Nothing happened. Fuck yeah. Our only comedian ever sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon. I know, man. Drink up. I love that. Well, you got the blue ribbon today.

Congratulations, Caesar. Anything else for Caesar, guys? We good with him? Yeah, just no more social media on stage. I mean, just... Yeah. Yeah, just leave. Then when your friends... I mean, get a friend.

They're up there. I'm up there with all the other comics. What's up? Let them go ahead and they'll take it and catch it for you. Do you like my crowd work? Do you like my crowd work? All right, Cecil, get out of here.

Cecil Lizardo, everybody. There he goes. Oh, he's going in for the handshakes. Please, other people, don't do that. We don't want to shake your hands, but congratulations, Cesar. He's on Twitter at Cesar Lizardo. Can't even imagine, you know,

Sebastian, you must hate that, right? Shaking hands with people? No, that was nice. I was just trying to have a conversation with the kid, and he broke out into a full-blown whatever that Snapchat was. It's okay. conversation with the kid and he broke out into a full blown whatever that Snapchat was but it's okay it's the way of the world

I pulled another name out of the bucket we know this guy, he's been on a few times put your hands together for Dennis Wilson what's happening, but baby, I think you can't survive me. I don't know what's happening, but baby, I think you can't survive me. What's up? Everybody talking about Donald Trump. Donald Trump's probably still smart, but he still can't figure out he's got the same hairdo as Chucky. I once spent time in a co-admitted institution.

That's a hard time because in a co-admitted institution, you can't have sex with other inmates. It's against the law. It's automatic 90 days. I was only supposed to be in there for 72 hours. I was in there for three weeks. Because in a nut house, I'm a 10. That's all I got this week.

All right, 38 seconds from Dennis Wilson. I wanted more, man. In single-sex mental institutions, are you allowed to have sex? Well, you said in co-ed mental institutions, you're not allowed to have sex. But if it's single sex... No, you can't have any sex. Oh, well, that's disappointing. You're not allowed to have sex with another mental patient. Without permission?

No, no, with permission. A mental patient can't give permission, that's the whole point. But bitches be crazy. Exactly. Exactly. And they don't know how to tell you they want sex. They just come by and... Oh, so you really were into men's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm back.

What were you in there for? Welcome to Kill Tony, everybody, where you can come straight out of a mental institution and be on stage. Can we hear more about that? Yeah, why were you in there? I'd like to hear about that. I got kidnapped by the state of California,

by Los Angeles. Wait a second. I got kidnapped. Oh, it all makes sense now. Because I went for a 72-hour... Are you the kid in this napping? No, no, no. No, I got...

Let me see. I'm going to say kidnapped. I got abducted. Because I went for a 72-hour... Let the guy talk! I'm explaining. Yeah, he won't explain. This is hard. I got abducted because I went for a 72 hour I think I talked I'm explaining this is hard I went for a 72 hour hold

and I passed all the tests but they still the last test I wonder how you got to the 72 hour hold I was having a bad year. Wow. So that's how that joke starts from now on.

That's your setup. It's a 20 minute bit, but I don't have time. I'm working on it. You only did 38 seconds, motherfucker. What are you talking about? I had a killer ending to that too. But no, you had a, that what you just did? That's, dude, that's it.

Yeah, because I didn't know you really was in there. Yeah, I was in there. That changed everything. Yeah. So, did you get laid in there then? No. How do you think I got out? That's why I'm out. No, I'm saying I was in there three weeks because I kept almost getting laid.

You see what I'm saying? You get points for almost getting something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the tip? Or how do you almost get it? No, no, no. If a girl gets caught in your room, you know, it's a penalty.

We the only dude in there? Huh? We the only dude in there? No, no, no. It's like 50 people in there. Jesus. So in that mental institution chicks are really down to fuck like that

oh yeah look dude they don't even know how to ask you they just put their jello on your table man is this place over to the public can people who are not committed go I would like to go with Sebastian and just go to visit

if they want sex they just put their jello on your head. So if I bring jello and just put some jello down, I say, what's up? It's like Bill Cosby. It's the same move. It's the jello move. It's the Cosby move. Wow. When else do you get to make a good jello joke? Come on, motherfuckers.

So they would try to give you their meds? Are the meds in the jello? They tried to give me their meds, but I never took them. What did you do? I spent my first night in the hole. Wait, wait, wait. They have a hole in the psych ward? What's that like? It's a jail. It's not a... You left out all the

good stuff. I know. I want to hear the... How did you get to the place to go in the hole? What was happening right when they picked you up? Yeah, what was the last part of your bad year? When I got in there. No, before you got there. What was you doing?

What was happening? Yes. I was trying to find out who killed Tupac. It's a lot of hidden lyrics in Machiavelli. Sorry. It's a lot of hidden lyrics in Machiavelli. I'm telling you. Tupac's dead?

No. No, he's not. Tupac's gone. It's the wrong way to hear. Holy shit. Oh, my God. It's the wrong way to break it to. Yeah.

I was trying to figure that shit out. Please keep explaining this process. Where did this start? Do you have a bunch of newspaper clippings on your walls and stuff? You're putting this together? No, no, no. What's your conclusion?

I'm trying to get it out by on stage. You know what I mean? Because I never told the story. Who killed Tupac? Oh! Well, well, well, well, sure. Yeah, sure. Who killed Tupac? Oh. Well. Shug. Well. Shug.

Yeah, Shug. So you figured it out? It's in the lyrics. You got to listen to the lyrics. Sorry. Whose lyrics? It's in Machiavelli. Is that...

Who's that song by? That's by Tupac. It's Tupac. So he wrote a song about who killed him before he died? Yeah. Who was going to kill him? Tupac is a prophet, man. You got to listen to his prayers.

I need more of this in my life, yes. It seems to have done you the power of good. No, it didn't do me good at all, I'm just telling you. Okay, so you're trying to figure out who killed Tupac. Yeah, and I listened to Machiavelli too many times. And then the cops bust through your doors. No, this is what happens when you listen to too many lyrics. You get lyrics stuck in your head. Okay, and that's how you get voices in your head. And that's how bust through your doors. No, this is what happens when you listen to too many lyrics. You get lyrics stuck in your head.

Yeah. Okay, and that's how you get voices in your head. And that's how you can wind up in a middle institution, okay? It's as simple as that. It can happen. So you kept playing the record too many times. Too many times, trying to get the clues. So the key is, don't listen to the record a lot of times, and you end up in a hole with some Jell-O. Exactly.

Do you know the bit of the story when you said you didn't take your meds? Yeah Might be an idea to take your meds No, I couldn't take my meds, man because a dude told me There was a guy drooling on the bench when I first got there

and the dude told me he said, dude, don't take your meds or you'll wind up like that guy So I never took my meds Are you sure he didn't just... No, I'm good They told you they kidnapped me, man I was never supposed to even be in there.

How did they find out about this voices? Okay, look. Nobody had ever been on a 72-hour hold. Yes. The final test of 72-hour hold is they're going to ask you, they're going to ask you, can we put a straight jacket on you without you fighting us? And the key is to say what?

The key is to say, yeah, because I want to go home. But once they get that jacket on you, they take you where they want to take you. So the key is not to get the jacket on, to say yes, but don't put the jacket on. Say yes, but don't put the jacket on, and they let you go. Yeah, but once they put the jacket on me, they just put me on a dolly like Hannibal Lecter and put me in a Jeep. What? Yeah. There's a lot more to this story.

Yeah. There's a lot more here. We're going to have to get that next time. I got to ask one more question. I got lot more here. We're going to have to get that next time. I got to ask one more question. I got one more question. When the cops arrested you, who kidnapped you? Nobody.

I was taken in by... Did any of this happen? It happened at USC Medical Center. How recent was this? This was like 10 years ago. Was Amanda Bynes anywhere near this situation? No, it was nobody's fault but my own.

But I'm just saying I'm a strong person. They couldn't break me. They tried. Trust me, they tried. In one of the most compelling post-set interviews we've ever had. It's a true story, though. I wouldn't lie had. And I don't know what... I don't think you can make that up. That's incredible.

In fact, I've heard this story before if you listen to track five of Machiavelli from Tupac Shakur. I saw this. And I didn't tell you there was a lot of weed and coke involved in this too. Oh, there it is. There it was. And I didn't tell you there was a lot of weed and coke involved in this, too. Oh, there it is.

You got to be on purpose to stay up late. There it was. You got to stay up late at night. Those in here, there was some weed and coke involved. He didn't tell us what got him locked up was the weed and coke. It was doing lines of coke. Yes. Getting off of Tupac's feet. So you listen to Machiavelli, and you're hitting it, and you're hitting it, and Machiavelli,

and you're hitting it, and Machiavelli, and you're hitting it, and it's Machiavelli, and then they came in. Yeah,'re hitting it, and Machiavelli, and you're hitting it, and Machiavelli, and you're hitting it, and it's Machiavelli, and then they came in. Okay, that makes more sense. And then you got out and raided your grandson's wardrobe, and here you are today. Dennis Wilson, you did it again. There he goes, Dennis Wilson. At DJ Sunset Boulevard, DLVD. I feel like that could happen to anybody.

I really do. I mean, I know that if I got arrested and they tried to put a straitjacket on me, I'd go fucking crazy. So then they'd think you're crazy. Do they do straitjackets in your size? A rubber band. Do they do like a children's straitjacket? No, it's not called a straight jacket my size

it's called a gay jacket straight gay guys by the way I made were any of these chicks downs to fuck and only three people laughed at it and for that I blame you audience downs

to fuck? Ron Jeremy is here, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for the great Ron Jeremy. Comedy royalty. Some guy was in here earlier bragging about having seven inches, Ron. Can you believe that? These fucking little puppy dogs that we get on this show. Seven inches.

Your balls are bigger than seven inches, Ron. Thanks for coming out. We love them. I once roasted Ron Jeremy in Toronto. I had so much fun doing it. I said, Ron, you're looking a little heavy. You know, you didn't have to eat all those pizzas. You fake delivered.

You know who Ron Jeremy is, Jimmy? He's the guy from the Pringles can. Ironically, he does have a Pringles can. He uses that as a condom, yeah. Fucking awesome. Holy shit. I pulled another name out of the bucket. He goes by the name of Ramsey Badaway.

Thank you, thank you. I don't really like to travel very much. Whenever I travel, people tend to treat me poorly. I think I figured out why. It's because no matter where I go, I tend to blend in with whatever minority all of the local people don't like. It's true. Like here on the West Coast,

a lot of people think I'm Mexican. When I was living on the East Coast, people thought I was Puerto Rican. When I was in the Middle East, people thought I was a woman. That is the last time I wear a sundress on the West Bank. Never again. I get a lot of people that think I'm a Muslim. I don't know why.

Could be my brown skin and beard. Could be the fact that I forced my pet praying mantis to face Mecca several times a day. Thanks. I did a show one time and this woman walked up to me afterwards and was like, hey, are you a Muslim? And I said, no. And she said, good.

I was like, why? She said, because I am a total Islamophone with an N. There is an N to it, yeah. I looked it up guys Turns out Islamophone, not a real thing Unless Apple is about to make The greatest mistake of their career

Hello So what nationality are you? I'm Palestinian Regretfully I'm still mad at, yikes. Regretfully. Yikes. I'm still mad at my parents for fucking. Fuck yeah.

Well, you play white pretty well. Yeah. No, I try. I try my hardest. You were born and raised here in LA? Long Beach. Long Beach. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. I knew I was going to have to follow that. I was like, there's no way they're going to pick me. And then as soon as he went up, I was like, they're going to pick me next. There's no question. And he did. Well, what made you think that you were going to be next? I don't know. Just the energy.

I was like, oh, there's no way. That's a tough follow. Surely for a Palestinian guy, a 72-hour hold is nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Plus, Palestinian guys are really good at following things. Imagine that guy that had to fly the third plane into the Pentagon. I mean, it was just a little blip on the map after the two big centers are already burning, you know what I mean?

That's just like, oh, what? The Pentagon, that's fucking crazy. That guy's like, how am I going to follow the World Trade Center? Very few Palestinians have ever seen an airplane before. Really? Why is that? Very poor country, or sort of country. Yeah, this is, I'm sorry, guys.

I didn't mean to bum you out. It's a UN observer state. You'll be... Yeah, I mean... I mean, I don't want to be pessimistic, but I don't think we're going to sort the Middle East out this evening. I don't think so either, no. Let's get back to you. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be two years in January.

Okay. Where do you mostly do it at? Long Beach, Orange County, San Diego, and then... LensCrafters. LensCrafters. That's aCrafters What do you do for work? Drive for Uber Wow A lot of comics drive for Uber

A lot of cats are leaving now working clubs and stuff and drive for Uber now Just take people home right after the show So Sinbad they can get paid to take you to your show. A lot of guys are doing bring-ums. They're bringing people into Ubers to their shows now. Yeah, I've done it before.

When you say a lot of people, Sinbad, are things not working out for you? There's a bunch and lots of people. I'll drive Uber just to mess with folks. I think you should be. You know you can have the different you can have the select or the different cars no you just show up

even if they don't ask you just show up see you Uber just show up you see people waiting for Uber just show up say I'm the one

because people feel bad about not getting in that's how you can kill people in America real easy because people because people will get in the car no they will people don't know how to say

I'm sorry I didn't call you you just get in and they'll get in when you kill them. You're like, that's your fault that you died. And you talk about it. The horse of truth. I guess he knows that Sinbad is secretly an Uber driving serial killer.

Who would have guessed? When you drive Uber, do you tell your passengers you do stand up? Usually if I'm funny, I'll be like, oh, I do cum. But if I'm not funny, then no. Do you give them like a mixtape? Do you do one-up? Usually if I'm funny, I'll be like, oh, I do cum, but if I'm not funny, then no. Do you give them a mixtape? Do you do one of those things? I got a mixtape the other day from an Uber driver.

Oh, really? No, I've never done that before. I've gotten a few Twitter followers, that was it, though. And I think they unfollowed me promptly afterwards, so... You all five stars all the way? What's your rating? I'm at 4.83. Uh-oh. Are you the lowest

one, like the crazy dude with the car? Or the black, Uber black? I drive a Nissan Versa 2012. Yeah. Sweet. Pretty nice car, absolutely. What's the craziest thing that's happened in your car?

One time, someone tipped me a few months ago. Wow. How much did they give you? They gave me $10. That's the craziest story I have from Uber, absolutely. I would never do that. I don't want people breaking that principle.

It's a very clear principle. That's the one thing you're not supposed to tip on. No, they do it now. now In Japan you just couldn't tip But now you can tip But in Uber you can tip We just don't want to That's the reason why we use Uber It's funny people will be like

Is there a tip function? Can you guys take tips? And I'll be like yeah Alright man well have a good night And they'll just leave Do people ever see you And ask Why is this cab driver

Driving an Uber? It's in my It's right here baby It's in my heart, it's in my blood What do your parents do for work? My dad is a He owns like a dump truck business. That sounds shady as fuck.

And my mom is suppressed by a prehistoric religion and that's it. Pretty angry. I'm very angry at it. Do you throw rocks at your mom ever? A couple of times. Good lord, Brian.

Yeah. Wow. Do you? When she's not wearing... Well, that's fun, man. How long have you been on stand-up again? It'll be two years in January, so it'll be a year and a year and a half change.

Well, fun times. Thank you very much, man. I appreciate it. Fun to talk to you. Absolutely. Back at you. Cool, man. Cool.

Thanks a lot, guys. There he goes. Ramsey Badawi. He's on Twitter. Ramsbat. R-A-M-S-B-A-D. Fuck yeah. We're plowing through it, guys.

Everybody's hydrated up here like that. It's all happening. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Ooh, I love this. Here we go. It's a one name. Put your hands together for Jared. Jared. Yeah, so my mom and dad are ministers. My mom wanted to abort me, but they didn't do it.

They tried to. It was a mistake, and I ended up being born in a gas station. So the first thing I did when my dad pulled me out of my mom's vagina was I pissed in his face, and then I screamed in his ear. Now, I want to get into politics. It's like the NBA for white people. It is. I don't think I'll do well, but it's a dream.

You know, I hate my wife. I love her, but I hate her. I want a divorce, but I can't because she's way better at computers than I am, so my life is pretty much fucked. So I was thinking I could get some of LeBron James' sperm. I could drug her, and when she's asleep, I could artificially inseminate her,

celebrate the nine months of pregnancy and when the baby pops out, it'll be black and I can give that bitch shit for the rest of her fucking life. And then when she goes crazy, I'll divorce her, I'll take her to court, and then I'll get custody of the kid and I get to raise one of LeBron James' kids. Jared.

I have never been more disappointed in a guy named Jared yeah I've been sitting on that one for 60 seconds I almost just wanted to interrupt him with it sometimes it's really hard. So, your parents presumably regret the whole abortion thing. Too harsh? What? No, sometimes they're just weird.

I would think so. Jared, what's going on, man? How do you feel today? You went really fast. There was no segues. It was really interesting, your method to madness. I feel like you did a four minute set in 58 seconds.

As planned. I felt that him and Dennis got out of that 72 hour hold at the same time. And we did. Yeah, because you was like, dude, you went places that was dark. Yeah. Thank you. And it wasn't comedy. It was real. You had some real moments. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Now you have two pens connected to your shirt right now. Well, they're actually pens and stylus. They're actually... Stylus, pen. Do you want one? Do you ever write jokes with those pens? What is this, Yo mama raps? Where's that fucking horn at?

Interesting. Sebastian, what do you got for this guy? What do you think when you see him? I was going to comment on Jared, but Jared's the type of guy, if you said anything maybe negative, he'd stab you in the parking lot. With his stylus.

It was great, man. Unbelievable. It's true, Jared. You do look like a school shooter all grown up. I feel like you got away with one earlier on in your life. I'd like to know more about your history. Yeah, me too.

Who you are. I was born in Atlanta in a fucking gas station. Really? True story. True story. Okay, so they didn't want you. Everything was true. Damn.

We should probably try to rewrite that. Not so truthful. Okay. Yeah, that's a lot. So they're both ministers? Yeah, they were. They were. They were.

What sort of, what religion? Retirement. Retirement ministers? No, they just retired. They didn't die. Oh, okay. I didn't want to.

Because I'm just trying to give it the joke. He was born in a gas station. Were they trying to take you somewhere first? And they stopped to get gas. I'm just trying to think where were they in a hurry to go to

I don't know they're just Fucked up Was she already in labor with you? And it was like fuck we're on E We have to get gas to make it to the hospital The real story is pretty much They went to the Grady Memorial If anybody knows Atlanta Georgia

No no no no just keep going It was a really shitty hospital And so they went to the hospital and they sent her home. Oh. And they said, go to the gas station? They said, no, no, no, no, no. Not for a couple of days. No, no, no, no.

You're not going to have a baby for a couple of days. So they sent her home. And then she started having the baby. So they flipped it, tried to come back, and they ended up in a gas station on the fucking floor of a bathroom. You know, Tone, when you asked me to do the show, I thought you'd come up, you'd do the comedy, we'd give some maybe advice. And that was the thing. I had no idea that we'd be hearing about such deep stories.

This guy was born in a gas station. He pissed all over his father. The other guy was born in a gas station. He pissed all over his father. The other guy was in the hole. I'm stunned. It's what I like to call compelling. It's compelling.

A little something to mix in with all the funny stuff. I'm not knocking the show tone. I'm just amazed at how people are sharing up here. Can I ask a question? Because obviously I think a lot of parents considered maybe Planned Parenthood and maybe getting

rid of the baby. When does that come up in a conversation with a child? When did your parents mention, yeah, we thought about getting rid of you? Jesus! I don't ever remember not with a child? When did your parents mention, yeah, we thought about getting rid of you? Jeez! I don't ever remember not thinking that. What year were you born?

1978. You were almost born in 76 out of 76. Chevron. Oh, Chevron, huh? You seem pretty intense. I notice every word is like, fuck, fucking angry. And you said you don't really know who told you the abortion story.

Is this maybe something that you thought? You're like, I deserve to be aborted. Do you have a lot of anger in you? Yeah, I'm a pretty generally angry guy. Yeah. Even when I'm happy. Now, maybe they weren't trying to abort you. Remember, this is a rumor. Because to abort you Remember you This is a rumor

Because even you Pissing his face Is a rumor You wasn't there You pissing his face Could be a rumor Could be So you're just

Taking on somebody's word Did your dad tell you You pissed in his face Yeah Were you doing Something stupid At the time he said You pissed in my face

I would imagine You weren't doing it Or what like You playing basketball And you scored I think I was just Trying to breathe I don't know

No What were you doing At that moment He said you pissed in my face Were you like Doing some stupid stuff I would imagine. You weren't doing anything. Oh, well, like you're playing basketball and you score. I think I was just trying to breathe. I don't know. No. What were you doing at that moment when he said, you pissed in my face? Were you, like, doing some stupid stuff? Or were you just home eating dinner like, hey, by the way, you pissed in my face and you're boring? Oh, at what point? No, because, you know, they tell me the story every year on my birthday. What?

So, okay, now, that's what we need. This is a story that comes out every birthday. Every birthday. And you go to the house every year, happy birthday. Yeah, I'm hoping to get the story about pissing in the face. And then they piss the candles out. You know what you should do next time your dad brings it up to you? Pissing his fucking face.

Just go for it. That's what you do. Is there any brand loyalty? You drive, right? Yeah, I drive a vehicle. Do you notice you stop in Chevron more often than other gas stations? Is there any kind of brand loyalty? None.

Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah, I got two brothers and a sister. Were they all born at a hospital? No, two of them were born in hospitals. Me and the other one. I was born at a gas station. My other brother was born at home. Oh, so that's not your fault.

Your family is always late. Your family has a time issue. Jared, how come you didn't go by your last name? Just out of curiosity. You don't like it? Do I need to put my last name? No. Yeah, fuck you, man.

I mean, when you're a comedian, you kind of want people to know who you are. I mean, I'm just curious if you don't like your last name. Well, I don't like my first name anymore. I used to like it. Right. I don't know. I just didn't write it down. I think you've got some good stories there.

You just got to work with it. This is my first time ever doing this. Oh. Oh. There you go. Okay. All right. Jared's first time on stage, everybody.

Sometimes it happens quick. The one person who I don't ask how long they've been doing stand-up comedy. You got some good stories. You got a lot of being born in the gas station floor, being pissed in the face. This is the stupidest stuff. I just wanted to do stupid shit, get up here, get in front of people, suck.

Well, what you should do, since now that we know that it's your first time, is do it more, but next time, really, really, really take your time. Yeah. So that people can believe you and hear what's coming out and really soak it in, because you're just going way too fast.

You scared her. I saw you and said you pissed her in the face. She said, I think he's telling the truth and that's what scared her. I saw you and said you pissed her in the face. She said, I think he's telling the truth, and that's what scared her. Look, I will never not be scary. It's never going to happen. I thought the funniest line you said this evening was, I'm angry when I'm happy. I wanted to ask you a question. What's the thing that's angered you the most recently? My name. I mean, other than

something as permanent as your name. You should do a bit about that, by the way. Yeah, I've been working on it. Did something happen today where you got fucking furious for a second? Nothing. Alright. Have you ever killed a man? I mean, that's what we need to know. Have you ever been so close to killing a man

and then came out of it? It isn't that obvious. I don't know. I'm going to have to watch the tape. I thought I was concealing things better. Okay. I'm just glad that we've had two out-of-work umpires on this show tonight. It's good to see the third base.

Maybe second base will get pulled out of the bucket next. What does your Twitter handle mean? Calitree? Yeah. It means weed. You smoke a lot of pot? I mean, you're moderate. Yes, he does. That's a yes. That's definitely a hard yes.

Alright, there he goes. Jared, everybody. Jared is CaliTree. C-A-L-I-T-R-E-E That's the one Cali Tree Yikes Yeah It's crazy right This looks like a new name

Put your hands together for Richie Gaines Woo So I'm a kid of divorce And when my parents got divorced They sat me down and they were like richard it's not your fault and i was like i wasn't even thinking that like why'd you even why'd you even bring that up you know apparently whoever's fault it is on the forefront of your mind you know and then they got defensive they're like well it's not our fault And I was like well whose fault is it then And we bonded

And we decided it was my sister's fault She's always been a bitch Fucking Jewish No I'm just kidding Yeah so How much time do I have So I had some problems I had some problems.

I had to go to a couple AA meetings, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous. I stopped going, though, because they're boring. All their stories end the same way, you know? Couldn't hang. Very funny, Richie. Dang. Bringing the thunder. I like your style, Richie.

Thank you. Where are you from? Washington, D.C. How long have you been on stand-up? Seven, coming up on eight months. Wow. Thank you. Thank you, Sinbad.

When you get the chance to say it, it feels good. I said earlier to Josh, I go, Sinbad is the only guest tonight who's done the show before, and that feels so cool to say. Like, it's just fun to say Sinbad when you get a chance to say Sinbad. Like, when you're doing something with Sinbad. Like, I almost did it later on when you were texting about you being on your way. I was going to say it again, and I caught myself. I was going to say, oh, no big deal, just texting Sinbad.

It just rolls off. And it says Sinbad on my phone, too. And every time I see it, I'm like, I can't believe it's real fucking Sinbad. I can't believe that it's actually you on the other end. It's fucking Sinbad. It's amazing. That's what we do, man. I agree with you, Richie. When you get the chance to say thank you, Sinbad, you throw in the

fucking Sinbad. How long are you in LA for? I just moved here. Congratulations. Three weeks in. What part are you living in? I'm staying with a family friend in Encino. The Valley. How'd you know? The Valley's always

the landing pad for everybody that comes to the beach. It's cheaper. It's family there. When I first got here, the first place I stayed was Encino. I didn't realize LA was like 70 and Encino was like 105 degrees. People in LA hated people in the Valley. They don't come visit you. They won't come visit you.

You got to go less distance to come to the city to see them. You'll get out soon. Word. Were you doing anything before you tried stand-up? Because you seemed so comfortable on stage. Were you in theater or sales? Are you Jewish? I did have a sales job.

I am a Jew. So you nailed Two out of three You were great man For seven or eight months You got it going on Where do you get up around town? You haven't started yet No I launched right in

First night I was here I try to get up two to four times a night With the lottery How long a set would you say you have? I actually have about two five-minute sets that I put together because we do five-minute sets all the time in D.C. and you get to see crowds

more, so I was able to put that together before I came out here. Two different five-minute sets. I could do ten minutes. I'd like to have you on the October 2nd Death Squad show if you'd like. Whoa! Thank you. Thank you. I'd like to have you on the October 2nd Death Squad show if you'd like. Whoa! Whoa!

Thank you. Ryan Reichel showing some Jewish love. The power German over here. Sometimes he gives... Das ist gut. It's just very good, wasn't it? Yeah. Was it good, man? Really relaxed. Really know your stuff, talk about personal stuff right off the bat.

And, yeah, for the young comedians out there, just take a look at kind of how he came in. He owned it. He hit his head on the thing. It didn't bother him. He just went right into it. I really liked that last thing when he said, you've got 20 seconds left, and you pulled out a great joke. Yeah. That was pretty classy.

Thank you. Yeah. You're definitely wise beyond your months. What do you do for work? No job right now. Oh, you're a comic, bro. Yeah, all comedy right now. Yeah, man.

I'm trying to not work so bad. If anyone wants to... Don't work, man. What do you do? I want you to finish that so bad if anyone wants to don't work man I want you to finish that dog walking I don't want a real job I hate serving tables I did that in DC webcam porn dude I'm in if I can work like two hours a day

and make them I think you could probably get a job as Ron Jeremy stunt dick you're about the right size he hasn't laughed at anything this whole show. I've been sitting right next to him. He's just deadpan the whole time.

Oh, okay. Nice. He's got a boner right now. All the blood's running. He can't laugh and have a rock-hard dick at the same time. All the blood,

it's either one or the other. Cool, man. But no, Ron loves comedy. He's the best. Look at him over there. Yeah, the first, we found, me and my friends found a porno tape called Gazongas. And someone's trashed. And we watched it together.

Starring you, buddy. There you go, Ron. One man's trash is another man's jerk-off tape. We watched it together. Eleven years old, I saw your Jewish dick. Wow.

I love that. Fuck yeah. Was that a separate story at the end? You know, I saw it and just the nostalgia came back, man. All those good times with my boys watching Ron Jeremy. Fuck. Wow. I love your style.

You just keep it honest. You really love your rip. How very Proustian. How old are you? I am 25. Young dude, man. I got a baby face. Proustian seemed very British

to go with the poetry reference. Jimmy, would you consider him very British? Proust? No. Yeah, no, but to make a poetry reference. It's prose. Famously prose. God damn it.

Fucking University of Maryland English. God damn it. God damn it. Fucking University of Maryland English. God damn it. God damn it. Try to be quick on my feet. One time. Yeah. There's a showbiz maxim. Leave them wanting more.

There you go. I'm learning. Eight months. Fuck yeah. Good job, man. That was a good job. Thank you. Yeah.

There he goes. Richie Gaines. Richie Gaines. I want to know if you're clear. Ron, you've done stand-up, right? Yeah. You've done stand-up, right? Yeah.

Cool, man, cool. Yeah, let's go, Ron! Fuck yeah. He does stand-up, missionary, and doggy style. Huh? He used the term Jewish stick. It's a known fact up until World War II only Jews got circumcised.

In 1945, all Americans got circumcised, which makes 1945 the cutoff day! Come on, you bastards! Oh, there we go! All right, Jeremy. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, he's got jokes people

Getting a little fucking cocky over there Isn't he Who just said hey-o Wait whoever just said that Hey-o's get ejected I pulled another name out of the bucket and his name is Adam Allgood. Woo!

Yeah! Hi. My name is Adam Allgood. I'm not a religious man, but I will all good. I'm not a religious man, but I will say this. If Jesus ever does come back like he said he would, and I'm the first dude to meet him,

I'm going to grab him, I'll trap him in my basement, I'm starting a wine company. That's zero overhead. No more barrels, no more stomping All I need is water and shackles That's it I already own both those things You know what the best part of that deal is?

He has to forgive me. He has to. There's that saying on how to please a woman, it goes, two in the pink, one in the stink. It's a dirty phrase, you've all heard it, I'm sure. And I was like, why isn't there a phrase on how to please a man? We love pleasure too, right, guys? You guys like pleasure?

So I came up with my own phrase for men. It goes zero in the schlong and five in the asshole. Fuck yeah, Adam Allgood. Wow. Fucking funny, man. Where are you from? Reno Really, you've just been marinating out in Reno Hey, Tony Inchcliffe

This is my best friend It's my best friend in the world, Adam Allgood It's my writing partner That's great Are you a top or a bottom for Pat? Oh You know I haven't decided yet Top great. Get the fuck out of here. Are you a top or a bottom for Pat? Oh. You know, I haven't decided yet.

Top. Whatever he wants, I guess. Adam, you're hilarious. That's so funny. How long have you been doing stand-up? I guess pushing like four years now. Four years? Yeah. And you live in Reno still? No, I live here. That's great. How long have you been here? Since I was in college. I mean, I didn't start. I was like 18 when I took college down here. That's great. How long have you been here? Since I was in college. I mean, I didn't start. I was

like 18 when I took college down here. And then I just stayed and didn't start doing stand-up after I graduated, which is about four years ago. Do you do a lot of spots? Do a lot of mics, and I don't do a ton of club stuff. You're so funny. I should. I mean to do more, but yeah.

Anytime I hear, 98% of the time that I hear a Jesus joke, I hate it. And that fell into that 2%. I think it really helped that you look like a painting of Jesus from the Middle Ages. Exactly. Either that or if Tom Green got hit in the face

with a shovel. Exactly. I've heard both those things. I bet. Especially, I'm guessing, the Tom Green with a shovel thing a lot. Yeah, every day of my life. Right after people say, it's all good, then they say, you look like Tom Green got hit with a shovel.

My name really is all good. That's fucking incredible. Yeah, it's pretty awful. You really don't like it? Well, just the constant joke, it's all good. My entire life. But other constant joke, it's all good. My entire life. But other than that, it's great. Would that be a good porn name?

Would his name be a good porn name? All good. Your pet and the street you lived on. Okay, that won't work. I killed all my pets, so. I love your sense of humor. This is my writing partner, man. I can almost tell, because there's like this fun fucking darkness.

One of my favorite parts of that set was just you saying that you own both of those things. I think we all pictured a creepy pair of shackles just sitting empty right now in your basement. I keep them in like a dirty cooler. See that? He really paints a picture. Makes the shackles even creepier than a normal pair of shackles. My favorite Adam Allgood joke

is like this extended rant about IHOP about how they make their pancake batter and how they have rats, like human-sized rats, chained up in the basement and they milk the rats into a vat of pancake batter. And that's the IHOP pancake batter. It's about a 20 minute joke.

Wow. Is that better when Allgood does it? Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely better. Fuck yeah. Batter up. Adam, what do you do for work?

I worked in an office and I recently quit that job so now I'm nothing right now What was the office job? It was medical billing Oh, do you ever call people and ask for the money? No, we never had to do that

it was more just like people calling to make payments and shit like that Oh, people were just willingly to pay. Yeah. I mean, we would send statements. But we weren't calling, hitting them up for money and stuff like that. I mean, you've got to pay your bill. It was more just like we'd send statements.

So your doctor was like, if you want to pay, you can? I guess so, yeah. Who was the doctor that you worked with? I mean, they were just anesthesiologists. They were like all over Southern California. Okay. Were any of the people that would call you, you know, like, would they ever drop the, you know, oh, it's all good, would they get that?

I mean, they didn't know my last name, but if they did, I would charge them even more, probably. If I had that last name, I would answer the phone with my full name. I'd be like, I'm all good here. It's all good. Actually, my dad was a doctor and the coolest thing I ever heard was just, I would go to his work sometimes and just hear him get paged. It was the coolest. Paging doctor,

all good. I was like, that's fucking awesome. Much better than doctor, you're gonna fucking die. Yeah, exactly. What kind of doctor was he? He was a radiologist. Oh, that's a tough one. They just read pictures and shit.

By the looks of your face, I would have guessed you were around a lot of radioactivity. Maybe that's what I was. He brought me to work every day. I didn't go to school. Anything else for Adam? All good guys? I very much liked how dismissive

you were of your father's profession. Yeah, it's just looking at pictures. This is tough. No, I very much respect his profession. He's a wonderful man. You talked about him like he was an Instagram celebrity. Yeah, he just takes fucking pictures. They pay him tens of thousands of dollars.

I Instagram all his x-rays that he reads. I get a lot of faves. I usually don't do three in one show, but I'd love to have you October 2nd. Hey, I'll do it. Thank you. Adam, all good. Anything for Sebastian? What do you got?

One last thing. I just love the way he came and started. Took a beat. Gave his name. Timing was really nice. Yeah. It was good. Yeah. I think a lot of people overlook that. Like, those first few seconds are so critical. It's one of the, again, one of the things that I love about watching you, Sebastian, is you're so fucking

smooth when you first take the stage that it makes people lean forward. I see Lainey, comedy store super guru that comes to every show laughing. She knows the transition from whatever the last guy was to Sebastian coming up. It's always fun.

He knows how to switch a room and turn it into your time. I just like to marinate in the silence a little bit and then just kind of go into it. And you did that. And you have a fun look about you. The audience was laughing before you even spoke. Thank you.

I try to do that. You're funny and your face is hilarious. You have Mr. Potato Head here, yes? What? Is that a thing here? Mr. Potato Head? With all the pieces? They're all there.

Oh yeah, I have all the pieces. I don't come out. Well, there he goes. Adam Allgood, everybody. Adam Allgood. Thanks, guys. He's on Twitter at AllgoodAdam. Guys, every single week, we have two regulars on the show,

and one of our regulars is in Paris, France right now, the great Allie Makovsky, who just celebrated her 20th birthday. She's not going to be able to make it on the show here tonight. However, so we're going to go straight to our other regular. Now, this is a young lady who we had two regulars before for two years. Why are they regulars? They write and perform a new 60 Seconds every week, whereas everybody else gets pulled out of the bucket.

Those two wrote and performed a new 60 Seconds every week, whereas everybody else gets pulled out of the bucket. Those two wrote and performed a new 60 Seconds every week. Well, a few weeks ago, those two went down to the original room, so now they do a longer set every week on the show downstairs instead of being on this show. So we have two new regulars. One's in Paris, and the other one's here right now on her fourth or fifth appearance, writing a new 60 Seconds each week. Very new, always fun, the always nervous, goofy stylings

of Melissa Esslinger, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. So I had to go to the dentist today. If I seem angry, it's because I am. If I don't seem angry, it's because I'm not really good at being angry. But I discovered that when I'm angry, I suddenly think that I'm like the leader of the world. I was driving after this. I had a root canal.

It was whatever. And I was stopped at a four-way stop sign. It wasn't even my turn to go. And I was like, yeah, go ahead. All right. stop sign. It wasn't even my turn to go. And I was like, yeah, go ahead. Alright. Yeah, but the dentist while he was drilling metal rods into the back of my mouth, he was like,

it's just like chilling on your couch at home. And I was like, no, if I'm getting drilled on my couch at home, it's because I wanted it and I didn't pay $2,000 for it. Thank you. 42 seconds. So this really happened. You really went to the dentist today I know because you texted me

I have to get a root canal I don't know if I'm going to be able to perform tonight and I said plow through it that's a true comic man get a root canal come work that's right I once performed the day after having my wisdom teeth taken out. It was fun. Were you a smart?

I fucking murdered. And I remember specifically because I was still on pain pills and I never do any drugs other than smoke pot every single day. And I felt so fucking good. And I could totally fall in love with those. Like I totally could see how so many artists

just fucking love it. Oh my God, it makes you so warm and cozy. They tried to just give me Motrin. I was like, I'm not going to pay for something I already have in my medicine. So are you on painkillers right now?

No, just in pain. They just shot it up with Novocaine? Yep. What's your dentist's office like? Is it one of those creepy ones? It was creepy, and the guy was from Hungary, and he had bleach blonde hair, but it was clearly like dyed. Did he try to human centipede

you? Maybe. I don't have a response to that. Melissa, always nervous, always guilty. Are you always nervous? You look like you do. I am. This is actually pretty good. It gets worse than this? Yeah.

When it's worse, what happens? It's getting better. I shake a lot. A lot. I shake a lot. I stutter a little bit more. What are you scared of? These people? No. I'm just... of? These people? No. I'm just... I almost... Sorry.

I get distracted easily. That's part of it. Sorry. I'd be scared of that guy if I was scared of anyone. Yeah. Brad. He looks like a threat.

I don't know. I think... I almost failed my college public speaking class because I would shake so much. I'm like... I just... And when I get in front of people, that's what happens.

Have you written stand-up about getting that nervous? I've done a little bit. It's a really interesting sort of area because it's obviously, most people that get that nervous would never think of doing, it's quite counterintuitive. Yeah. To think I'm very nervous, I shake a lot, I'll tell you what I'll do, stand up. Yeah. It's sort of obtuse.

But well done. Thank you. Can you go over your first joke again? I didn't really quite understand that. The stop sign one. I just noticed that I was really pissed off today, one, because I should have just got the tooth pulled because now I have to pay for a year on this thing,

and that sucks. But I noticed that I waved somebody to go, but it wasn't even my turn. It was a four-way stop, and there were still other people that got there before me. But you were angry, so you were being polite? I was just angry, so I was like, oh, yeah, go ahead. I don't know. I don't know, really.

I understand what she's saying. She was so mad that, yeah, I know I'm supposed to be last, but I'm going to let you go first anyway. That's the kind of attitude you get sometimes. Right. So you're basically telling them to move along. I'll allow you to take the spot you're supposed to have in the first place. Yeah. I was regaining control

of my life after the dentist took my name. You frame it in such a grand way. I'm retaking control of my life. Now, Melissa, this is what, your fourth or fifth week as a regular? I think fifth. What's funny about Melissa is once Melissa, this is what, your fourth or fifth week as a regular? I think, excuse me, fifth, sorry.

Fifth. And what's funny about Melissa is once she became a regular on the show, she started texting me regularly. It's this really funny thing. She's like this little shelter puppy, and it's the most adorable thing. I get these updates every night. Every five seconds.

It'll be like, did a spot tonight, wasn't so great in the beginning, brought it back around towards the end. I get these constant, I'm like a head coach watching film. It's so funny. It's so fun to be a part of because she was so nervous

her first time here five weeks ago. I could never imagine that. A whole other fucking level. This is like rock star shit what's happening here because her whole voice everything was shut down. It was really interesting but she killed

with it. So it's interesting. I almost wonder if you're getting a little bit too fucking comfortable, Melissa. Oh, no. I'm kidding. The crowd reacted weird to that. I'm sorry, Melissa. Guys, you can't scare Melissa, everybody. Look at her. Fucking animals. Why'd you want to do stand-up?

I mean, because it makes you so nervous. Why'd you want to do stand-up? Well, it's kind of weird. I've always loved stand-up. I grew up watching Def Jam comedy and all kinds of stuff. But I like to talk. I think that's why. Here's why.

I found that all the things that I do that are unacceptable socially, that are awkward, it's okay on stage and people like it. Cool. What do you do that's socially awkward? This kind of stuff. I don't know. I don't know. I talk a lot. I talk too much usually. No such thing. I think I

usually, if I see something or I feel something, I state it. I don't really have a filter. Oh, we share. We have ADHD. That's what that's called. We see something and we can't lie about stuff when we say it, but we get it out. Yeah.

But we don't carry it. That's why we let people go ahead of us, even though they should have gone ahead of us. We let them go anyway because we're in such a hurry to go. I'm going to let you go anyway because I usually roll through. Now you know what I'm talking about. That's a high five from Sinbad right there. That's awesome. That's the ADHD high five.

That's something else. Jimmy, what do you think about Melissa? I liked it. I mean, you know, yeah. So it's what, five weeks of kind of coming here, doing a different minute every time. Yeah, I've done comedy for just over four months now. Okay.

I think talking about the nerves and that thing, I think that could be a really funny routine, just kind of go further down that road and talk about being nervous and not being well suited to this because you get nervous. Yeah. That's quite fun.

Because I think it's very relatable, maybe not to an audience full of comedians, but when you're talking to an audience, most people in a comedy club are thinking, I could never do that. And you're kind of up there going, Jesus, I don't think I can. It's fine. And you don't need to worry about focusing on it too much

because that's the type of thing that you'll always be able to talk about because you are nervous and the audience does sense that. So if you're calling out the elephant in the room, then you got it. It's like the guy that said earlier, I don't want to be known as the gay comedian. Well, he sounded gay the entire time. I wasn't going

to say that. I wasn't going to say that. I was trying to be so right. I was trying to be so politically correct, but I wanted to say I know. I know. I know. We be so right. I was trying to be so politically correct. But I want to say, I know. I know. I know. We all fake shock. Yeah. So instead, we're all thinking it.

It's like we're not getting around to it. But people are still going to think of him as the gay comic that didn't talk about being gay. So you might as well talk about being nervous. Yeah. You know you just said that in your voice, yo. No, yeah. No, I know. I know I know I know right I know I know and I talk about it right from the top of my very important set is I acknowledge it first because

that's what happened is the first few years of me doing stand-up people would come up to me after my set back be like, I just have one question for you. Are you gay? I don't even think you're gay. I think you're like the new portable gay. Portable gay? Like a little handy size. Oh, you son of a bitch.

It's actually true, guys. Just open for butt-fucking. We made it through. Melissa Esslinger, everybody, is on Twitter. Melissa Esslinger. Another brand new minute. This is the part where we see the drawing of tonight's episode from

Ryan J. Ebel, the amazing artist who drew this picture from the start to right now. Of this. Look at that. That's you guys. Jimmy Carr, Sebastian, Sinbad, Brian Redman. Pat Reagan's on Twitter at Patty Reagan, Josh Martin at Josh Martin Comic.

Thanks, Pat Reagan. What do you guys want to promote? There's over 100,000 downloads on this podcast per episode. This one's going to get like 200,000. I'll be in Seattle at Bo Washington

Actually it's outside Seattle this weekend At Skagit Casino So come check me out I'll be in Seattle too man I'm coming to Seattle too this weekend I'll be in Tacoma Tacoma Hang out with them

I had dinner with Sebastian Friday night We'll go to that flying fish place Let's do it Is that close? Hang out with them. I had dinner with Sebastian on Friday night. We'll go to that Flying Fish place. They throw some fish at us. Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. We'll do some grunge, some grunge rock. Sinbad Bad, you're Sinbad Bad on Twitter.

Yeah, man. Sebastian Comedy on Twitter. Sinbad, anything else you want to promote? Seattle, I'm going to do, I got a band called the Stank Nasty Band. What? I got to come up and see that. You guys play in the valley, right? We play in the valley.

We play on the road, man. We're going to do a... Was it the Stank Nasty? We're so stanky, we're nasty. See, I know from... That was the name of my band. I know you from Britain. Y'all don't get that.

Y'all like, Stanky, we're stank nasty. We're so nasty, we're stanky. I know that makes no sense where you're from. But here in America, we're so nasty, we're stanky, man. One of my best friends of all time,

Jimmy Carr, was here tonight, everybody. I'm ready to promote. Yeah. Jimmy, anything you want to promote that's coming up?

Yeah, I'm managing a band called the Stank Nasty. Yes. For sure. I love you guys. Thank you so much for being on the show.

And thank you to the live audience. Special shout out once again to the great Ron Jeremy up there. What's up, Ron? He's got a flip phone, ladies and gentlemen. I just saw that. I can't believe you have a fucking flip phone. You son of a bitch. Guys, thank you so much.

That's the show. Thank you. Yeah! I just died in your arms tonight Must have been something you said I just died in your arms tonight I can't live without you I can't get Open It's something I can't get Broken hearts are all around me And I don't see an easy way

To get out of this Diarrhea ZOOM!