KILL TONY - KILL TONY #124

Episode Date: October 31, 2015

Andrew Santino, Sandro Iocolano, Ali Macofsky, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 10/10/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is RedBan, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Don't forget you can subscribe to Kill Tony now on iTunes. Just search the iTunes store for Kill Tony, hit subscribe, and don't forget to rate and review the show. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are coming on the road. I mean, we're going on the road. Me and Tony are coming to Pittsburgh on November 27th. This is Thanksgiving weekend, guys. We're bringing Kill Tony on the road, and it's going to be followed by a comedy show.

So if you live in Pittsburgh and if you want to do comedy, if you've always wanted to be on Kill Tony, sign up will be before the show. on Kill Tony. Sign up will be before the show. So that's at 8 p.m. November 27th in Pittsburgh at the Arcade Comedy Theater. And it's followed by at 10.30 a Death Squad comedy show

with me and Tony and some surprise guests. And one person that we pick out from Kill Tony will be able to open up for us at the Death Squad show at 10.30. You can get combo tickets and you can get all the tickets for it by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on Tour Dates. Now, two days later, November 29th, we'll be in Ohio.

Same thing, except that we start at 7 o'clock for Kill Tony, followed by the comedy show at 9 o'clock. Again, go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. You can always see Kill Tony in Los Angeles by going to the Belly Room at 8 o'clock. That's a free show, and that's every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. And then Tuesday, we got Verbal Violence Roast Battle every Tuesday and every Friday. We're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California, so check it out. Friday. We're at the Ice House in Pasadena, California. So check

it out. Don't forget to go to shopsquad.tv and get all the official Death Squad merchandise. You could also pre-order right now the original t-shirt, the original Death Squad t-shirt. You can pre-order the re-release of it. It's remixed, yellow and black.

And don't forget to check out the hats like the McDonald's stripes, the Lucky 3D, a bunch of new stuff at shopsquad.tv and last but not least, don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to get all the latest Tony's all over the place, he's like in a different

city every week, so check him out while you can, alright guys here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rezzy, coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody. Hello. There, everybody.

Hello. There he is. Guys, welcome to another fun Monday night. Welcome to Kill Tony. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. This is Brian Redband, everybody. Hi. Put your hands together. We're all one big happy family tonight.

Keep it going for the great Pat Reagan on the ones and twos. Yeah. And Ryan J. Ebel, the house artist who's going to draw a picture. He's got a blank sheet of paper right now, and he draws every single episode. He's starting drawing tonight's episode right now. Who knows where it'll end up? Ryan J. Ebel. This is the Kill Tony family, guys.

Welcome, everybody. It's a fun little Monday night. There's still, for some reason, a couple. There's like an open patch on this side. If anybody slammed up in that upper deck wants to take a seat. It's like a fire hazard here. For some reason there's empty tables. Figure it out, people.

Welcome to the show. We have hundreds and hundreds on Periscope and thousands on Ustream watching live right now as they do every single Monday night. And you're their live audience. You're their voice. So fucking let it rip tonight. Will you live audience? And for those of you that are watching the stream

and listening live on the podcast, just know that we're announcing right now that Sunday November 29th and Friday, November 27th. Look at that. Backwards. Backwards promoting. 29th and the 27th of November. Death Squad's coming home

to the great state of Ohio, everybody. It's our first time going in a couple years. Yeah, Friday, November 27th will be in Pittsburgh. Ohio will be there Sunday, November 29th, the day after the Ohio State-Michigan game. And big announcement, Kill Tony, that we're bringing Kill Tony to both of those cities

before the shows. That's right, Kill Tony live. There's the music for you, if you didn't believe it. So it's double shows. We do an episode of Kill Tony, and then we do stand-up comedy. That's two separate shows, but you can buy a combo and go to both double shows. We do an episode of Kill Tony, and then we do stand-up comedy. That's two separate shows, but you can buy a combo and go to both fucking shows. Yeah.

So it's great for all the... Instead of buying a ticket to one or the other. Yeah, it's great for all the comics in Ohio and Pittsburgh that always want to be on Kill Tony. We're coming to you. Yeah, so that's going to happen. I'm also going to Portland and Atlanta and Nashville, San Francisco and Sacramento. So look for those dates. They're somewhere. Find those.

Anyway, back to the show. This is going to be so much fun. Pat Reagan, you're back with us. We're done promoting our dates. How are you doing? I'm doing good, man. I love it. Is that mic on? Yeah, I'm doing good. I feel like a solar panel in Joshua Tree. How was the pre-show music tonight?

It was good. I just played straight songs. I didn't talk solar panel in Joshua Tree. How was the pre-show music tonight? It was good. It was good. I just played straight songs. I didn't talk. Straight songs? Yeah. Really? Yeah. In that shirt? Guys. Are you saying that my songs have homoerotic undertones? Yeah. Yeah. All your songs are about fucking some guy

Greg's dad. Yeah. At some point. I notice that always pops up. It's that all-boy Catholic school upbringing. Fuck yeah. Guys, Pat's on the ones and twos all night. He's the band leader. We're locked in every single week. I have two of my funniest friends

and two of the best comedians in the world on this show. You've seen everybody on this show. And if you've watched every episode, you've seen these two guys before as well. Monsters, two of my favorite people in the world. You know them from ABC's Mixologies. Upcoming Showtimes, I'm dying up here. Many unbelievable fucking commercials.

Such funny guys. And they're back. Put your hands together for the great Andrew Santino and Sandro Yocolano. Oh, yeah. Hello. Welcomeano. Hello. Welcome back. Yes.

Good Italian boys. That's what's happening up here tonight. It's a very, very Italian names. Santino. Yeah, dude. Hi. How's it going?

Good. I didn't find anything homoerotic about your stuff. It sounded pretty normal and clean to me. I liked all of it. Yeah. I related to a good portion of it. It's genuine. That's all. You fucked a guy named

Greg's dad before. Yeah, Mark. Greg's dad, Mark. Is that true? His name's Jeff. Greg's dad is Jeff. And then Greg's grandpa is Chad. I'm writing some more songs about Greg's grandpa. Does somebody fuck Chad? In the works. I fuck Chad. Wow. You get to fuck all of them. And Chad loves eating butt. That's his thing. Just in the works. I fuck Chad. Wow. You get to fuck all of them.

And Chad loves eating butt. That's his thing. Just in the works, guys. If he's a grandpa, he's probably one of the original Chads. Yeah. He's one of the first people ever. I'm just saying. It seems like a fairly new name.

Sandro, what the hell's up, buddy? Not much. Just I woke up, decided to come down. Fuck yeah. Exactly what it looks like. Yeah, I woke up, decided to come down. Fuck yeah. Look. Exactly what it looks like. Yeah. I'm awake, guys. Fuck yeah.

Well, you guys have done the show. Audience, welcome. Pat, do you have any questions for tonight's guests? I didn't prepare anything tonight. We didn't either. So it's even. You didn't prepare anything? Have you ever prepared anything? Wait, wait.

You prepared those in the past? Yeah. Yeah, I've written questions down. I've emailed them to myself. Really? Yeah, the email of the subject line, KT questions. Okie dokie. You know, I think we could probably easily mimic his normal questions of the week pretty easily, Tony.

It is pretty simple, right? Like, what's your favorite salad dressing? Did you ever look at yourself while going poop, and then I looked in your mirror of your father, and then you felt yourself, and then you went on to... I have a serious question. I have a hatred going on in between

me and Pat. In order to be a successful comedian, do you have to... Do people have to want to be around you offstage as well as on? Sanj? I think it makes it easier so you don't drive people away with your terrible personality. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I don't know. I've never talked to anybody offstage. Although there's a lot of people that are. And what was it? Successful comedian? Yeah. Yeah, I guess that works. Yeah, I don't Yeah. Yeah, I guess that works. Yeah, I don't think...

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, kind of. There's a lot of guys that are successful that are shitheads offstage. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Tons of them. So I guess no, not really.

Why? Is that the plan? I was just thinking. I'm like, I don't connect with people interactively enough, so I'm going to move away from performing and just make music and try to make stuff. Like Asperger's? Stop. Social anxiety?

No, it doesn't matter. I was just wondering what you guys were thinking about that. It's not specific to you. Guys, I've been waiting for a long time to get rid of the question part of this show. It stalls the front end of the question part of this show. It stalls the front end of the back end, and tonight it's funny, because I sort of just wanted to bail out on it a couple weeks ago,

but I just wanted to give it one more chance. I like bailing out on the questions. So from now on, now we know why there's no more questions for the guests, because every show does that, and it gets just slow no matter what. So we're not doing that anymore. Congratulations. By the way, this is

Kill Tony, episode 127. You're watching the beginning of right now. In 127... 124. 124 of those episodes, we asked the guests a question. Whoever the side mic person was we asked the guests a question. Whoever the side mic person was would ask the guests a question.

You were the last audience ever to see that be part of the show. Congratulations. That's it. The retirement of the pre-show questions. So let's just get into the actual show. Every single week, over 50 comedians sign up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Everybody is on a different piece of paper. And if you sign up and I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on stage of stand-up to do.

And then we talk to you. You're then interviewed. And then you're on the show. Get it? Comedians, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. All right, that is not a cat. Who shot the cat? That's the sound that you hear. Don't go over your time, you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

Alright. Alright. There was a bear and a cock. Alright, so let's get it started, shall we? I pulled the first name out of the bucket, doing 60 seconds tonight and then talking with our esteemed panel. Put your hands together for Jay Ruby. Hi, guys.

Hey, I was a teacher for a lot of years, and you have to teach this self-esteem curriculum. and I was a teacher for a lot of years and you had to teach this self-esteem curriculum. There's a lot of, you can do it, don't give up, keep with it. So I quit. I quit because I wanted to pursue comedy. I wanted to see if I could make less money, which I'm doing.

I'm a success. Success is really easy, though, if you just set the bar real low. That's what I learned from teaching self-esteem. But the kids, the kids were great. And they were good kids. I mean, technically the gangbangers would be called bad kids, but most of the kids, they were good kids. They just weren't successful in the regular high school setting, you know, because they

didn't show up. But the kids that did show up, they just had a hard time concentrating because they were just doing drugs, you know. But that's it. You can finish it if you want. It goes for a while. Oh, shit. Last joke.

All right, here we go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't want to do that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't get to decide. That's not how it works. You made the bear angry. That's why it's an angry bear, everybody.

You got to commit to one or the other. You sidestepped there. Jay, I like your style. You look like Dexter's stepfather. Awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing for a couple months. A couple months. I got on stage a year ago and was successful and bombed and got terrified and came back a year later. Hell yeah. Seems like it. I like that creepy laugh you had, Chad. Stayed right in the microphone for that one. I've been told I have a Disney villain laugh. Not a scary villain laugh, just a Disney villain laugh.

It's a little scary. It's a little scary. It's a little scary. How long have you been teaching for? I got my credential in 92. And you still teach? No, I actually did quit last year. Wow, that's incredible. For comedy?

Well, and acting. I'm substitute teaching. Got it. What's your specialty? In acting? In teaching? Yeah. No, what is it in acting first?

What's the specialty? I mean, I'm just going for film and television. Method? No, Meisner. Meisner. Meisner. I don't know it. Good reaction, though. Jay, like, what's your specialty in school?

I started out teaching English, and then I did world history and economics. And so now, how are you making money? Substitute teaching. And you're doing that a lot? Hopefully more. How does that really work? Do you get like a lot of calls the day of? Yeah.

Well, L.A., they need teachers. Right. It's always the day of. Yeah. Which is that's why you do subbing is because you don't have to work any day. What's your favorite area in Los Angeles to substitute teaching? I don't really have a favorite area. I guess whatever's close and convenient. Let me be more specific, Jay. What's your favorite race? That's a good question. Say white. I've actually taught a lot of continuation school, so I like

diversity. It's more, the rich white kids actually are harder, I think, to deal with. Wow. I fucking like that. That means a lot coming from a guy that looks like a college football coach. Jay, where are you from? Santa Cruz. Santa Cruz. What part?

What is that? That's like south. It's just south of San Francisco. Yeah. It's north. Oh, I taught in San Francisco most of the time. I moved there in 96. He's a Stewart vibe. He feels like Stewart. He's about as white as it gets.

Jimmy Stewart? You kind of sound like Jimmy Stewart, see? You have all the flavor of a glass of water. With that stuff that you put in it. Do you wear boat shoes on the weekend? I even wear them sometimes on the weekdays. Whoa, nailed it. Sandro Yocolano, look out for him.

He's the fucking assassin. Got the nautical vibe. There it is, the Sandro Yocolano horn. Look out. Get ready for more of that. He sits on it and then he fucking gets it. Uh-oh, round one. Jay, what's your favorite thing to do for fun that's not stand-up?

What are your hobbies? Surfing when I get a chance. What else? I don't know. Hanging out with my friends. Fight club. Yeah. What's the secret?

I'm with you on this. There's something. Pat, I'm fucking with you on this. There's definitely something that I can picture you sneaking off to every night. No, not. I don't have it every night. But my buddy's a tattoo artist. Uh-oh, here we go.

That's always where the entrance to whatever shady shit is going on in the bathroom. Cash only business. Am I right? Well, yeah, tattoo parlors definitely often are the entrance to a lot of shady shit. You don't even have any tattoos. You're boring as fuck. I have a shoulder cap. What is it? It's abstract.

Uh-oh. That sounds about right. It's a tattoo. Even his tattoo is white. What is that? It's a tattoo of a... It's some abstract tattoo. What do you think it is?

It's a Prince Albert tattooed on his arm. What do you see? Jesus. It's a cresting wave with a moon. Try it four times to get that out. And a dolphin's penis on it. a cresting wave with a moon. I tried it four times to get that out. And a dolphin's penis on it. A cresting wave with a moon and a dolphin's penis. Yeah, right?

Yeah, I call this my tattoo Rorschach test. Jesus. That says a lot about you. Does anybody know what you're talking about? They don't know. Yeah, people don't know. What you see in it tells me something about you. Oh.

What do you see? I know a lot about you, all right, Jay? I watched your 60-second set, okay? You son of a bitch. Don't judge me. What was it supposed to be? Oh, I know a lot about you. No right, Jay? I watched your 60-second set, okay? You son of a bitch. Don't judge me. What was it supposed to be? Oh, I know a lot about you, too. No, it really is just an abstract.

About my emotional tattoo. I feel like that's a cheap way because you didn't get it finished, and you're like, what do you think it is? Right. What could it have been if I had enough money? Yeah. Material-wise, what did you guys say? I just don't really remember too much from it.

The write what you know thing is applicable, I guess. What you know about teaching. I would be more interested to find out what your life is like now that you don't have that anymore in your life. It's more interesting to find out. There's a lot of teachers that do stand-up or stand-ups that do substituting and we've heard it before which doesn't make it

bad it just i would rather hear what your day is like now that you no longer teach that's more interesting and we got off on a tangent there and uh i we never really got to what's happening in the tattoo parlor what are you going there for you only have that one boring tattoo so what are you doing late at night? Just a lot of interesting people come in there. So it's just hang out and talk. Like cocaine dealers, J. Ruby? Is this the thing?

Who comes and hangs out in tattoo parlor? A lot of interesting people come in there, like the school superintendent and all their teachers. What if it's just the most boring tattoo parlor and it's all just Anderson Cooper type guys? I don't know why, but that's fitting. You don't do drugs or drink or anything, right? No.

Yeah. That's why we're interested to know what goes on in the off hours. When you get home late at night and you're up, what do you do? in the off hours. When you get home late at night and you're up, what do you do? How do you indulge? What do you like?

How do I indulge? You don't drink. You don't smoke. What do you do? Yeah, what's the thing that you're like, fuck, I wish I didn't have that hooker vice

or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. Or you do, or you love it. Yeah, no. No vice. Yeah, I can't think of a... Something's missing, brother.

You watch Miami Vice? I feel like you got a secret and you want to tell us. You want to tell us? I mean, if you look at... No married, no kids, no... Oh, no, no. Oh, okay.

There you go. I have a bit about that. I have two kids with different moms. Different moms. Yeah. Whoa! We got it! Here we go. We got it! Here we go. We got it! Here we go.

I got a whole lot. All right. Now we're playing with fire. Do your kids work at the tattoo shop? Is that what's happening? Actually, one of my son's 20 is training to be a tattoo artist. All right. Well, geez. We have to drag it out of you. Yeah, we had to pull all the pieces together. So two different women, and are they near the same time? Were you cheating on one of my son's 20s training to be a tattoo artist. All right, well, jeez. We have to drag it out of you. Yeah, we had to pull all the pieces together. So two different women

and are they near the same time? Were you cheating on one of them? No, 13 years apart. 13 years apart. Wait. Are they, what? Wait, how old are you? You seem to look pretty young.

Like, was one 13 and one 26? No, one's 20 and one's seven. There's that math. You'd be laughing again. Be on the lookout for that. I feel like you might be in the Illuminati There's something going on Right he's like good looking

You're 108 apparently According to the math You're a thousand years old You have a 13 year old gap Are they both white women? Yeah I was just gonna ask Yes go on My first kid's mom is Jewish.

I'm half Jewish. That doesn't count. We don't count them. Yeah, we don't. Second one. Yeah, we don't believe in them. You're a kill time. What's the good one?

Normal. So Jews aren't good. What's the other one? Brazilian. Whoa. Little fucking sweet culture. Nice. Fuck yeah, there it is.

What's the Jewish kid's name? Ari. No, Harris. Harris? Yeah. And what's the Brazilian kid's name? Anthony. Antonio.

Whoa! Yeah. I could have you play that all night. I love that. Yeah. I love that you play that all night. I love that. Yeah. I love that. It's so great.

I think the only thing we found out is that there's so much ambiguity to your life. I'm trying to still find out what the secret is, but we'll have to inspect. We'll have to go off stage. What do the two women have in common that you have two different kids with? Nothing. Yeah. It needed something. There it was.

That's like CGI right there. Alright, how about this? Have you ever, when you were teaching, and how old were they? The students? Yeah. High school. Juniors and seniors. Seniors. Was there ever a time that you fill in the blank? No.

Never filled in the blank. Well, I mean, their seniors are 18 years old. Yeah. So they're legal. No, okay. Here it goes. Here it is. Yeah.

Exactly. So she's sucking my dick in this dump. No, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that. You have a five-year-old with a 22-year-old. Tell the truth. Yes, tell the truth. So tell us what happened with the student.

So, no, no, no, nothing ever happened with the student. Right, so you're coaching her in volleyball, and you're teaching her how to serve. Next thing you know, she's pregnant. Right. Right? How does it go? You both went to Subway.

All right, tell us what it is. I got to know. I don't know why that doesn't work. Could have been Quiznos. It's still... No, nothing like that. It's not that exciting, so I don't know how to say it. Okay, good.

Good. But did you know other teachers that fucked students? Nope. Nobody? No. No way, dude. Get the fuck out of here. We know that that...

By the way, that's totally not true. They all just had this brotherly oath. I taught at a continuation school, so it was seven teachers. Seven teachers. Yeah, so it wasn't like a big pool of teachers to get the... No coach. No phys ed. Phys ed's always the go-to. Was there no gym class?

All us boys got molested in the third grade by the gym teacher. Normal back then. Now they make a big fucking deal on it. Yeah, Snapchat and shit. Yeah, we do that parachute thing, the multi-colored parachute. I remember that, yeah.

Flip it up, and then they all run up, and the teachers and students would fuck over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Hold it down! Hold it down on the corners!

These kids live with their moms? Yeah. No, not the 20- These kids live with their moms? Yeah. No, not the 20-year-old. He lives with me. Oh, you got a 20-year-old boy. Yeah, they're both boys. Holy shit, that's amazing. How old are you? 48. Nice, you look good for 48, man.

Give it up for 48. Absolutely. Absolutely. This is what hanging out at tattoo shops does for your skin, guys. Does the 20-year-old bring home girls? No. No?

Well, okay, for himself, yeah. Oh, not for you. Not for you. Obviously, that's what we're asking. I wasn't sure what you meant there. No, you knew what I thought. Yeah, you went right for it. Does he ever hang out with you at the tattoo parlor?

Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah. I, yeah. I like that. Two in the ink, one in the... Alright, guys. What's the coolest thing that you've seen in a tattoo parlor? Besides yourself, obviously. Jay, did you just

break? What happened there? This is where his skin falls off and he's just an angry robot that wacky mr ruby got us again um do they they call you mr ruby right yeah mr ruby holy shit do you have any like little joke that you say when you have the class like mr ruby like dorothy slippers or anything like that? No, hell no. Rub me, Ruby. Oh, you say hell no like I'd make a bad teacher or something like that. Like, fuck no, we don't even do that, bro. Piece of shit. What's the go-to line when you substitute?

My go-to line? Yeah, like, because you got into comedy, because I'm sure you told jokes to students. Is that what you did when you were... So what was, like, your go-to joke in class? It's like a free open mic. So, no. I mean, I goof around with the kids, but it's always just improv at the moment. It's just a blout, blout.

What do you mean by goof around with the kids? Do they call you Reach Around Ruby? I know I would. They're going to if any of them listen to podcasts after this hey aren't you reach around Ruby I listen to Kill Tone reach around

what's up it's so much well good stuff I think write some more stuff of what you do we're trying to really we really tug as deep

as we can fucking dig I don't know there's got to be something else that you do. We're trying to really tug as deep as we can fucking dig. There's got to be something else that you do that's unlike the guy that we see on stage. You don't have to lie. Just give us the truth that you're embarrassed about. Let me ask you this. You have a kid with a Jewish woman, a kid with a Brazilian

woman. What type of woman do you find yourself most attracted to now? Are we talking about maybe fucking Oh, my girlfriend's black. Your girlfriend's black. Exactly. Nailed it. That's where I was getting at. The black lady loves

that. So you went from Jewish to Brazilian to black to what's next? Yeah, what's in the future? Yeah, what do we got? Perhaps green or Simpsons yellow. Good idea.

Are you into any kind of weird sexual shit? Do you like weird anime or anything? Look at that smile. Look at that smile. He can barely hide his gimp mask right now. Are you a furry? What do you like to do? I was waiting for that question to come out.

No, nothing like that. What's your favorite position? When he's on top, what's your favorite position? Stop it. What's your favorite position sexually? I don't know. It depends on the girl, really. How about with the girl that you're with right now? She has all of her legs and arms. What'd you say?

She has all of her legs and arms. You like being on bottom with the black girl No, no Are you into like choke fantasy or anything like that? No Nothing We have to find something out about this guy I mean, I don't know You pay your taxes, you have good credit

There's nothing fucked up in your life I don't have great credit Were your parents always there? Yeah. Let me ask you this. God damn it. No holes in this guy. When you're

masturbating, how long do you let yourself hang in the noose while... That's a good question. What's your cutoff time? Is it like seven seconds? 20?

Or are you like all the way like Robin Williams or something? Shut up! Jesus Christ. Robin wasn't jacking off. David Carradine was. Correction. Sorry, Robin. Fuck. Now I'm going to have bad dreams.

Anyway, Jay, we spent way too much time with you. It was so fun to meet you, though. Thank you very much. Nice to meet you. Jay Ruby. Couple months into stand-up. All of a sudden,

all of a sudden, we know we're all practically related to J. Ruby now. Oh, you know what I wanted to say to J? J. J, you said you bombed and then you quit, right? Don't quit just because you bombed. Just keep bombing.

Yeah, don't do that again. Always record your sets and listen to them also. It. Helps out. And just hang out, you know, around places where you can do spots. We didn't make any school shooting. We didn't. When people miss their set in actual stand-up shows, sometimes they need a substitute. And who better than fucking you, J. Ruby?

That's right. Give it up for Reach Around Ruby. Yes. Yes. Fuck yeah. If that's not his first stand-up album, I'll be so disappointed. Reach around, Ruby the sub. Buy tickets for his next show at subhub.com, everybody.

Subhub. I don't know why I say these things. He's on Twitter at JRuby. That's pretty simple, right? Sounds like the kind of guy that would assassinate somebody. Mr. Ruby sounds like an ABC murder show. Yeah.

I can picture that. Pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Darren maybe Darren Davis. Fuck yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that I believe some words deserve another word behind it to give a certain ring Like the word champagne I think the word bitch deserves to be behind the word champagne Like you want some more champagne, bitch?

Pass me some more champagne, bitch Champagne, bitch bitch underneath the cupboard Appreciate it I'm kind of sad that Obama's leaving office so soon They always talking about how black he was But I don't think Obama did anything too black I think the blackest thing Obama could do Is not pay America's bills on time

China ain't getting shit. America's dead is in my kids' names, man. Straight up. That's my time, ladies and gentlemen. I'm just going to leave it on that. gentlemen 59 seconds I love that Darren Am I saying that right Darren Fuck yeah man this is your first time on the show right

Yes Very funny very cool where are you from From the valley Nice how long have you been on stand up A year now So cool Thanks Fuck yeah

I like your style. What did you talk about again? I completely fucking forget. The joke of being like not paying bills on time. It was brilliant. And not paying China. That was great, man. That's good writing. And you're already doing it in your voice

and everything. That's so fun. You do a lot of spots? Yeah, I just do stand-up. I mean like open mics and stuff all night. Yeah, that's basically what I do. You have spots yeah i just do stand-up i mean like open mics and stuff all night yeah it's basically what i do you go to school with it you have like a crew uh i got like i meet a lot of people and we just end up being friends at the end of the night you said you're going to school we're at la valley college nice what are you studying studying english you speak so well what are you gonna do with do with that? You want to end up like fucking J. Ruby, substitute teaching or something like that? I have a job before summer at least.

Fuck it. I love it. That's cool as hell. Did you say the valley? Yeah. What part? Narlita. It's the East Valley, Northeast Valley.

I've never even heard of that. Yeah, it's a little small town. It's like right next to Pacoima. It seems like the kind of place where I picture a lot of police chases happening. Yeah, Rodney King got beat up like maybe five miles up the street on Foothill Boulevard. Fucking nailed it. Yeah. Fucking nailed it. A lot of you got judgy

on that one. Everybody's just like, what does he mean? And then, boom. Bam. What was the name of the town? Arlita. And it's cool. What's the closest town? Can't you picture it in the bottom of the screen? Police chase Arlita. Lakeview Terrace, Pacoima, Panorama City. This is, like, naming every town I've never heard of. Yeah.

This is impressive. You know all the ones that you've never seen? It's just far north. By the hills? Like, up in the valley by the mountains up there? Yeah, like, near Sun Valley. Okay, yeah, deep. Yeah, it's over by Mirasville.

Lower Canyon Boulevard. Dog Town. It's by Dog Town. Is it by Stevenstown? It's a little east. East of Stevenstown. You're thinking of Billings. Clarksville.

Oh, Billings. Montana. I'm thinking of... Other than stand-up, what do you like to do for fun? I like to turn up, have fun. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. Does it get any better than that?

No, it doesn't. The only thing that would have been better is it coming out of J. Ruby's mouth. That would have been the end of the episode if that happened. He turns it down. I turn up at evening time. Excuse me, Daron, could you turn down

just a bit? It was very funny, dude. What's your type of turn up? Whatever I could do, you know, like, woof. That's what's fun, though. That's what I want to know about.

What is whatever you can do? That sounds like a blast. Since my name is Darren Davis, it's kind of common. People think that I'm someone else sometimes that has a simple last name, so I take people's reservations

at, like... That's turning up. Yeah. Do you talk about this on stage? Sometimes. It depends what I want to do. Yeah. Is reservation stealing

what kids are referring to when they say turns up? Yeah, well... If it's a nice like spot where there's like a big ass... Yo, if I'm at Fleming's... That's what's so funny. I hit up the palm and shit.

You know I'd turn up and steal some fucking tables. Now I know next time I'm at a club, the one person who's just yelling champagne bitch probably isn't even the person who was on the reservation. Yeah, just someone to turn it up. I mean, that's a really aggressive move to make while sneaking under somebody else's name. What would you do if another Darren Davis showed up? Just go fucking face to face.

That's how those fights at the club probably happen, right? They do. Same last names. Yeah. Same last name. You got the same last name I do, and then they start punching each other. Straight up. Do you live with the family up there?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How long does it take you to get down here? Well, on bus it's like an hour, but if I get a car ride, it's like 30 minutes without traffic. It depends on traffic. But how often do you take the bus? You take the bus almost every day down here? Yeah, all day, man.

I ain't got no car. You're a trooper. You're going to be a great stand-up comedian. How old are you? I'm 25. Fuck yeah. I've been doing it a year. You're on a great path.

Very, very, very, very, very funny stuff. I absolutely love that Obama joke. And, you know, there was something that I like where you were at with the champagne bitch. And I think when you tagged it, I think you sort of you have tags there that sort of lose momentum where you could just fly right in to the next thing or add other stuff to the back end of the champagne bitch. Where did that come from? The champagne bitch? I don't know. I like saying bitch a lot. Yeah.

Yeah, sounds right. What are some of your favorite uses of it? Like, favorite times of the day where you use it? So, like, bitch boy, bitch maid. Whoa, I don't even know what that is. That sounds like some kind of wacky hashtag. You're a bitch boy.

Wait a second. Wait, did you just try to save that by tickling me? Yes, that's how you do it. No. That's a bold move. No, that is not an option. There is no I messed up. Let me tickle you back.

Brian. 124 episodes and you're going to try that shit? All of a sudden? I always tickle you. What do you mean you always tickle me? What does that mean? Deeper into the rabbit hole.

But bitch boys, it would be listed as me or Tony or people that are just smaller little, like, I'm a man child. So people would be like, oh, look at that bitch boy. Is that what it's in reference to for you? I don't know. Anyone that's acting like a bitch, I just like say bitch and then throw in that word. And then what did you say the second one was?

Bitch what? Bitch made. Bitch made? Like a bitch made? Like you're soft as fuck? Yeah, you're just made that way. Oh, you came soft. From the birth.

Yeah, what else? Give me more of this stuff. I'm into this. You can get some paper. By the way, I might hang out with J. Ruby and get one of these things tattooed on me tonight. Don't get... Yeah, no, I'm serious, Brian. I'm going to get bitch boy tattooed on me.

I can see it right above your... I give a life advice. Don't actually do that. Give every one of us a bitch name. The guy that just tickled me. A bitch name? Yeah, give all of us one of the bitch tag names Like a bitch thing

Alright This guy He's a curly bitch Am I right? What is it? He has a bitch smile That's a compliment Thank you very much man

Thank you DD I already see it, this is your show dude What type of bitch are you With Darren Davis Alright get Andrew Santino What kind of bitch is Andrew Santino I don't do race jokes man I don't do race jokes, man.

I don't do race jokes. Degrading to women? Yeah. Race? No way, buddy. You got to draw the line sometimes in this comedy game. Yeah. And then cross that shit.

Yeah. What kind of bitch is Andrew Sandler? What kind of bitch? He's a shaggy bitch. Shaggy bitch? I like that. he's a shaggy bitch this has been another episode of what kind of bitch are you with Darren Davis might be a new weekly installment yeah totally

Darren funny as fuck so nice to meet you sign up again and come hang Darren Davis everybody he's on twitter Funny as fuck. Very good, Darren. Thank you. I really appreciate that. So nice to meet you. Sign up again and come hang. Yeah, cool, cool. Darren Davis, everybody. He's on Twitter at KingDCity. Very funny, right?

How fun. I fucking love it. Let's keep moving. Put your hands together for Leo Flowers, everybody. Come on. Oh, no, everybody. Come on. Oh, no. He missed his spot. Oh, shit. You know what that means?

That means he gets blacklisted, everybody. Is he out in the back there? Yell Leo in that hallway just in case. No, it's okay. He's probably gone. It's all right. Just in case, the poor guy. It's okay.

We'll just move ahead. It's all right. It happens. The look on his face when he comes running upstairs like, what? Put your hands together for Ryan County, everybody. Come on. Come on, motherfuckers. Let's go. Let's do this.

Wow. Two in a row. Even I was fooled on that one. I thought, no way. What's that? Are they in the bathroom together? Like in the bathroom? I don't know.

They might be making friends. They might be. What was that guy's name? Ryan County. Sucks to be Ryan County. Yes, it does. Okay, put your hands together for your next comedian. Will Moore.

Will Moore. We know Will. We know Will. We love Will. We know Will. We love Will. Now, here's the catch with Will. He's not in the room because he's under 21. And he's not allowed in the club, technically. So this is where Josh Martin goes.

Go, Josh, go. You know Will Needles Moore? He's a comedian from Ohio. and um yeah the great state of ohio and where we are going to be on november 29th uh anyway um and will actually started stand up like three years ago at the age of 16 or 17 there yeah he's amazing and he's so fucking cool such a nice guy and the first time that we did a show in columbus together like four or five years ago he was sitting in the front row and i was making fun of him and he was laughing so fucking hard that i had him come on stage and i made fun of him on stage and he was just dying of laughter he then cut himself many times was in the hospital

for two years and then tony Tony then he started doing stand-up and he's so cool and I love him to death it's probably going to take like oh thank you this is the new question part of the show where people just fire off their own random questions

for those of you listening to the podcast somebody in the audience just said where are you from? The answer is Youngstown, Ohio. That's right. There you go. We would have accepted his mom's butt. Brian, tickling you is not going to save you on that one.

Are you guys ticklish? No. Too much. Tickle him. Tickle him? Give much. Tickle him. Tickle him? Yeah, give him a little tickle. All right. Yeah, we're good.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Will Moore, everybody. Will! Hello, everyone. All right. Sorry, I'm so out of breath. I just walked up a flight of stairs. Not a joke. That is happening right now.

All right. So don't you hate it when you see somebody crying, just sobbing, clearing the worst day of their life that you just got made a part of. You're like, hey man, what the fuck are you doing in my mirror? Holy,

I gotta stop smoking. This is awful. I called the suicide hotline once and I got put on hold which is ironic because if somebody held me I probably wouldn't have had to call them I've been

I've been thinking about shaking it up a bit trying to get out of this funk I've been thinking about shaking it up a bit. Trying to get out of this funk. I've been thinking about becoming a prop comic. I've been thinking about propping my head up on the end of a shotgun for quite some time. I'm 19, but I think I've become a bit of a casual drinker. I get real fucked up, but I'm super but I think I've become a bit of a casual drinker I get real fucked up but I'm super casual about it just like oh you should drive

that would be safe fuck yeah there he goes out on the air horn Wilmore I love it I love it how I love it. How far away were you? You were probably all the way around at the front, huh?

Yeah, I was on the patio. Yeah, that's a long walk. Fuck yeah. How old are you, Will? 19. 19 years old, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. That's right.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Monsters. Monsters. Will Moore. How the fuck is life? You know, up and down.

You're visiting LA from, what is it, Cincinnati area? Yeah, Cincinnati. Go Bananas Comedy Club. Shout out again, I believe. Don't give a shout out to Go Bananas here, Will. No, I love it. It looks like you've never touched a banana in your life, but I love that that's your home club.

It should be leave bananas, not go bananas. Maybe like the banana runts or the banana flavored. Banana splits? Yeah. I was here last time you were here, Will, and you did great again. You're funny, man. Thank you.

Very funny. I like you. I don't have anything to say about you besides you're funny. That was really funny. How long are you in town for, man? I'm here until Thursday. And just here for vacation or for stand-up? I guess. I mean, technically vacation

because I don't have a real job, but stand-up, writing. I'd like to move here eventually. Do you drive here? I flew. You flew. Did you drive last time? I feel like you drove. Yeah, you did, right? I did. Yeah, I remember that. Look at that. I don't remember anything. I remember that. Nothing important to me.

You drove and this time you flew and you're going to fly home. You're trying to move out here when? Just whenever it seems to be able to happen. Let it be now. Tony has an extra room. He'll let you stay. It's true. Thank you for offering, Tony.

That was so nice of you. That's so nice of you. Thank you. Andrew is actually my landlord. He's helping me. What's up, Will? One question I've been asking every guest tonight is what's your

fun hobby? What's your second favorite thing to do other than stand-up? I like to draw on my phone a lot sometimes. Draw your phone? Draw on my phone. That'd be weird if you just drew your phone all the time. You're just obsessed about it. Just squares. The note has the stylus.

Can we see a drawing that you've done? Sure. I was going to say good thing there's a pen because if you were drawing with those thumbs, I'm guessing it's all fucking just mountains and oceans. One line.

So that's the sky up there and that part that's colored in, that's my thumb. A killer stick figure. A big tree figure. Alright, let's my thumb. He's a drug. Killer side strokes. A killer stick figure. A big tree figure. Wow. All right, let's see it, Will. It went away for some reason.

Sorry, this is... For the audio listeners, he's showing us a lot of dicks. Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. That's cool. That's fucking really good. I just finished that one today. Oh, my God.

Jesus. Wow. That's incredible that you can do that. That's Will's artwork for people that can kind of see it. That's pretty cool. It's like an adult swim kind of like trippy heart. Is that going to blur? I like it.

That's a more abstract one. But I've done drawings of Ari and Stan Hope and people that I know. It says, but then I want to sing and dance again is what it says in there. That's cool. Is that the name of this piece? Yeah, I guess that's what it's called. Do you like to dance? Surprisingly, I like to dance a lot.

Really? Yeah. Do you like to do that nay-nay stuff? No, I just... I must say that the Chiba Chews are fantastic. I just had them recently for the first time

and they make me dance an awful lot. What's your specialty in the dance department? Oh, nothing. It's just like I'm just feeling the groove in my body. What's your favorite kind of song to get loose to? Don't have one. It's just whatever's on. Have you heard Pat Reagan's album?

Oh, wait. What's this? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Will, are you going to show us one of your patented dance moves, Will? Oh, no, I'm not. All right, go! Go!

I cannot. I cannot. Did you guys see how much my legs were shaking just a second ago from how nervous I was about dancing I basically cannot Do this right now Everybody just took it so seriously

They're like alright man we get it Normally that's when the second rush of No come on But no with you it's like alright cool We gave it We had to ask Will you're so funny and you're one of the guys that I love it when you come into town

and swing through and it's so fun to watch you constantly get better and better and it's you're amazing you're 19 and by the time you're legally allowed to be in this club you're gonna be one of the best comedians anywhere so I hope so. Keep having fun.

Anything more for Will, guys? So good, Will. Will Moore. There you go, Will. He's on Twitter at The Needles M. The Needles M. Will Moore. One of my favorite rising comedians anywhere.

Suicide jokes are always my favorite. Yeah, it's just great. I love those. I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Richie Gaines. Yay! Here he comes. Let's see.

Hi. Hi Shut up So I got with this girl recently Yeah And thank you Yeah and Me personally I don't really mind like a Like a bush or anything like that.

I don't care what's going on down there. But this girl was kind of unkempt, you know. And when I went down there, I guess I made like a face. I kind of like offended her. And she was like, well, what did you expect? You know, I'm not a little girl. And I was like, all right, well, why don't you start acting like an adult and take some responsibility for the situation, you know?

Like, I don't have to see your vagina to know whether you are or are not a little girl. Like, I don't go down there and I'm like, oh shit, I got the wrong girl. Get out of here, you little rascal. What are you doing here? Scat, move it. You know? Fuck yeah. on girl get out of here you little rascal what are you doing here scat moving you know fuck yeah there it is we're plowing through it richie games

fuck yeah thank you uh thank you oh no never mind that was last time simbad was here oh you were yeah you thought simbad was here tonight? No, I wanted to say it again. Thank you, Sinbad. You can always thank Sinbad, man. He's always listening. He's in these walls. He's everywhere. He's every set with that.

It's some kind of award speech or something. Thank you, Sinbad. Just like to thank Sinbad. This is for you, Sinbad. Thank you. Sinbad's driving in his PT Cruiser right now He's like Someone just thanked me? Richie's actually going to be on the Ice House this Friday

He's been on like four cancelled Ice House shows I can't wait to see more of you, man. Thank you. Again, you had a great set again, man. That was, I mean, I guess one bit, but that was perfect. Thank you. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. How else is life going? Where are you from again?

Washington, D.C. How long have you been here? Now about five weeks, four weeks something like that. Wow, so new. Where are you living? Encino. Yeah, Encino, man, staying with a family friend out there, free living. Biodome. Yeah, Jews.

Yeah. What did you say, and what? Jews. Yeah, they're everywhere. Did you say Jews? Yeah, like I'm Jewish, and then Jews, it's in the community. You got to stick with your people. That's true, you do.

We prefer it if you guys... That's actually how wars have started. Nonetheless, you've got to stick with the people. They're easier for us to find. Encino. It's a big Jewish community out there? I guess. I don't know.

They're everywhere. Where aren't they? I was thinking about that Mel Gibson rant thing. And honestly, I know he's a crazy guy, but he didn't... He's kind of... I'm... Oh, shit. Finish.

No, that's it. He's kind of right. I don't know. You guys are fucking everywhere. In and around every major city, going to find Jews. Here, though. Here, though, the most. They're speckled across the room right now. I can smell them.

Yeah, that's true. Where there's one, there's many. They're like ants. Richie, what are some of your favorite hobbies? Right now, I'm really... When you're not going down on little girls, what do you like to do? I'm losering it up right now.

Pretty much all I do is I wake up, and then I try to write or do something or look for a job, and then I go out and do stand-up. The past month has just been like... What kind of job would you be willing to take right now? What is your specialty? What are you applying for? So, ideally... Let me guess.

You have a friend in real estate who... No, no. Ideally, I would want to do, like, something writing-related or internship where you're, like, working toward getting the, like, writer's assistant job or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Jewish shit. What about selling...

J.S. Come on, Tony. J.S., man. What about selling Mary Kay products? Yeah. Avon. How old are you right now? 25. 25. selling Mary Kay products? Avon. How old are you right now? 25.

Did you go to school in D.C.? I went to University of Maryland, grew up in D.C. College Park, right? What did they call you in college? What was your nickname? College Richie. Reach around, Rudy. That was so stupid.

That was funny. I mean, honestly, so I took like two years off. So when I went to University of Maryland, I didn't even – I had a wild ride. I started at Boulder University of Colorado. Oh, man. You want to start this conversation? You want to start this? You know what that is?

Yes, exactly. Yeah, I started there. Boulder University, big party school. Exactly. So you went there. Went there. Blew out your nasal cavity. I did, actually, yeah.

Really? Yeah, yeah. I don't do anything anymore. I did all I needed to in like five years. Yeah, yeah. That's right. I hear that story quite often as I meet more and more people. It's like a place to go get fucked up and go to rehab and then you're out.

It's like a trip to Vegas. Seriously, so I went to rehab and when I got there, he was like, you went to university, or something, I brought up University of Colorado. He's like,

we make a lot of money off that school. A lot of drugs. Yeah. So what were those nights like? Craziest party night at Boulder because that's one of the top party schools that they always talk about. The craziest party night. It ends sadly. I blacked out.

This is true. I blacked out and woke up in jail. You're right. This is a sad story. I blacked out and woke up in jail. Yeah, that was one of my... That's it? What have you seen that's fun?

Like anybody ever, you know, like fucking... I saw, I was hanging out at my friend's house and he was at the bottom of this hill and this dude just started running down the hill and then fell and face planted. You have the worst college stories. Yeah, I wasn't there that long. Once I saw a guy fall down the hill.

We were really clumsy. What are we clumsy? We were a bunch of klutzes. He dropped 75 cents. Zoinks! Took advantage of that party school. I don't know, man. I just drank and did coke and did acid.

There we go. Are you sure you didn't just get high and watch one of those just for laughs prank shows that are on? Man, some guy fell down. What was the moment you needed to go to rehab? What was the rehab moment? After I punched the cop. In the balls? Yeah, yeah. I said that and you glossed right over it.

You punched the cop and then you got arrested and you went to jail and then you were like, I should go to rehab? Yeah, yeah. Why did you punch the cop? I have no idea. You don't remember anything? Yeah. In the police report, they were like, yeah, we were going to walk him across the street

to the drunk tank. And then he swung at my face and connected. That's what the police, essentially, that's what the police report said. Yeah. Wow. So you're sober now, right? Yeah. And you're staying sober?

Yes. Yeah. You're not fucking up at all? No. Good for you. Yeah. It's going to be, it's going to be hard to do here, but good for you. No're not fucking up at all? No. Good for you. Yeah. It's going to be hard to do here, but good for you. No, it's pretty easy.

A lot of people make it look really bad. What? Like a lot of people get drunk and just look terrible in L.A. I mean, they look really bad. What do you miss the most, cocaine? Yeah, coke. Because I get tired a lot, and I just was like, that would be a perfect fix. I love it.

Coke works. How long was this bender in Boulder? Well, Boulder, I was only there for like nine months. But, I mean, I used drugs from like 16 to 22. Right. Yeah. And Boulder was the final blowout. No.

No. No, no. And then there was rehab in Florida, but I wasn't done there. And then I went back to D.C. and that's where I got clean. Fuck, yeah. Nation's capital. Yeah. That's right. That's what it takes. That's what it takes. That's what it takes to go to D.C. Sometimes you gotta go right to the beating heart.

Well, next time I want to hear a joke about all these rehabs. There's gotta be so much material there. Yeah. People that you meet. Did you date anybody while you were there? People usually fall in love with you. Yeah, I sure did. At one sure did. In rehab? No, no, no. She dropped 75 cents. And a bagel. That's the easiest thing.

Really sad story. No rehab love. No, I actually, I was only there for a few weeks and then I ran away. A few weeks and you were done? Well, I left. I literally left. You were like, fuck this. I don't want to do this. Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to do this. You just called an Uber and took off? Yeah. No, I said I'm at the rehab. Yeah, rehab. No, a bunch of my friends were in town for some music festival, and they helped me out. That's good. That's not normally where you go to get sober.

No, at that point in time, I was not trying to stay sober. That's the point. I left rehab. No, at that point in time, I was not trying to stay sober. That's the point. Do you ever thank Sinbad for your sobriety at any point? I think of Sinbad on a daily basis, my daily meditation. Sinbad, yeah. What's your other favorite thing to do? You said like writing and a bunch of boring shit. Yeah, exactly.

I'm telling you,'s boring i'm boring right now uh food i eat and watch law and order sv dude i'm telling you i'm boring i'm trying to tell you this i'm fucking boring you to fill the void of partying what's your adrenaline yeah usually most addicts have something else that they do to fill it in you drink coffee at 2 a.m yeah red bull yeah it's i'm telling i want to make this like a good segment but i i it's just do to fill it in. You drink coffee at 2 a.m.? Red Bull. I want to make this a good segment, but it's just all boring. Stop trying and just answer the questions honestly. I'm being honest.

Alright. Spread bin? Don't do that. Jesus. You ask me that every night. Richie, I think you're right. I think your set was good, but as a person, you're pretty boring. Yeah, garbage.

I mean, I really tried. I set you up with beach balls over and over again. There you go. Knock it right out of the pocket. I'm just boring, man. But thank you. I fell down. Thank you.

All right, bye. Richie. Richie Gaines. Another funny appearance by Richie Gaines. Richie Gaines is on Twitter at Richie Rich Gaines. At Richie Rich Gaines. If you're wondering who has that Twitter handle, it's him.

Richie Rich Gaines, man. That's him. The one and the only. A special shout out to our recent swing through sponsor, Sherman's Gourmet. Oh, wow. Some of the best, most amazing baked goods you've ever seen. Everything's gourmet, made in a kitchen

by professional chefs. This is a Belgian chocolate brownie. That there is pizza that you put in the oven for a little bit. Delicious little pepperoni pizza. It makes you feel good for six hours afterwards. I took one the other day and tripped my ass off for six hours.

Just eat it slow I'd also like to give a special shout out to one of my really good friends who's in the room a fan of the show and one of my favorite people Rick Kozik sitting in the back everybody you know him as the awesome fucking camera man from all the jackass movies

he's the guy that captured all that fucking greatness and now we are next door neighbors and it is the coolest fucking thing jackass movies. He's the guy that captured all that fucking greatness. And now we are next door neighbors. And it is the coolest fucking thing. Me and Rick. And thanks a lot again to Speedweed. They left a bunch of stuff over the tables. Our good friends at LA Speedweed. I had a vapor pen that I took

on the road with me this weekend that saved my ass. Fuck yeah. Guys, I pulled another name out of the bucket. I almost forgot because of all these pot sponsors that we have uh put your hands together for steven stop laughing like that put your hands together for steven holloman When I was a little kid, I watched all the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, and they were cool, and they had a lot of stuff in common, like guns and muscles and action.

And then when I got older, I was like, man, how come Arnold never played any other kind of roles? So this is my impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Jesus in The Passion of the Christ. I don't wear my robe closed because I have such excellent abs. Let me see your baby. No, it's not a tumor. He's okay.

My name is Disciple John Campbell. This is such a horrible joke to do, so I'm going to just go with it some more. He's on the cross, you guys. Okay, and he's getting tortured, and he's like, Ow! Ow! Stop it! Just terminate me already!

Wow, look at that. You were about to fucking kill yourself on stage, and you turned it around by acknowledging how terrible it was. You fucking reversed psychology to everybody. I like that. I like your fucking style. You're like the Kid Rock of the open mic.

And that's fucking amazing. I really like this. You seem like... I've met you here quite a few times. You hang out a lot. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes like, I've met you here quite a few times. You hang out a lot, and I don't think I've ever gotten, this is your first time on the show, right? Yes.

Nice to fucking meet you. I like your style, Steven. There's something very Lieutenant Dan about you. Yeah. What's the shrimp place at the Universal? It's not my legs, is it? What's that? Oh, Bubblegum.

Yeah, see, it was weird, because at first I thought you were like a waiter at Bubblegum's, like, telling me a joke, and I was just like, oh, fucking kill me. But how you actually turned around, you actually turned it around. And actually it was funny. But I don't know if that would work every time. No, not at all. Steven, I like your style.

So where are you from? Prescott, Arizona. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my fourth year. Fourth year? Yes. You started in Arizona? Yeah, I worked at the Tempe Improv.

How long have you been in L. LA? A year and a half. Nice. What do you think about Dan Murr? Well, he's rest in peace. That's it. He died. He's dead. I apologize to everybody about that. It made no sense to do. Well, tell them what happened. Son of a bitch.

Just one of the owners of the Tempe Improv. If you're a comedian or somebody that lived in Tempe, a lot of people knew a guy that used to own the place, and he passed away recently. It's one of those you had to be there. Well, you guys had to be there. He was a legend, though.

What's the skateboarder's name? Jamie? I don't fucking know. You look just like one of those dudes. You say, I don't fucking know. Like, you really don't want to be called the kind of guy that looks like you're on a skateboard. But meanwhile, where's your fucking skateboard at?

It's downstairs. It is? Yeah, yeah. Really? It's in the kitchen. That's so fucking funny. So what's the guy's name that I'm thinking of? I still don't know.

Snap into a Slim Jim? Who knows skateboarding, guys? Jamie what? Have you always, have you always? Is that it? Thank you, dude. Of course it is. Thanks for not saying it the first time when I said it.

Waiting. You look like the kind of guy that rides a skateboard, but I get the feeling that you know a few magic tricks. I wish I did. Getting laid, I don't know. That's magic to me. Oh, that's fun. You get laid a lot?

No. Yeah. What do you do for fun? Motorcycles and bikes. Wow, that's fun. I like that. The motorcycle life. You just ride them? Like toy motorcycles and bikes?

Yeah, I ride them. I work on them. I look at them. Stuff like that. Motorcycles. You ever hang out in tattoo parlors? No, actually. No, reach around.

You're out of luck, bud. That's right. Wait a minute. So, yeah, you're a big bike guy. You have a bike? Yes, I do. You do. Have you put it down? No. Are you afraid that it's going to happen tonight? No. No. Is it going to happen? Oh, shit. I rode my

skateboard here. Why would the bike crash? We have a motorcycle here, guys. Will Moore is going to bring it up the stairs. They don't remember who Will is. He's the guy that barely made it. All right. You never crashed it? Are you afraid

of crashing at all? I'm terrified. Yeah. You'd probably die. Dean Delray just... I heard about it. He got hit and run. That's even worse. What happened? He got hit? Yeah, a woman stole a car, hit him going like 80 miles per hour. He just slid up his whole side, and then he doesn't want to ever ride a motorcycle again

and bought a Japanese drift car for him. Need for Speed 7. Fuck yeah. Brian Redband with all the sad reports of everything that happens in the world. This guy died. This guy lost an arm. I saw a little girl get eaten by a shark yesterday. Anyway, back to the comedy show.

Steven, I have a little hunch here. Maybe I'm wrong. Tell me the truth if I'm right. That American flag headband that you have around your head, if you turn that inside out, is there a confeder Confederate flag on the other side? Because you seem like the kind of guy that would rock it, but only when the time is right.

Only at your coffee shop or something like that. He looks like a middle-aged Willie Nelson. I'll take that. A young Willie Nelson. Is the hair attached to it? Is it one of those wavy... I'm not Bret Michaels.

Spencer's gift. Spencer's gift. Hollywood Boulevard gift shops. Keeping it American. How long have you been riding motorcycles? You have a bicycle too, you said? Yeah, that's actually my first love. I did freestyle BMX and i traveled

the u.s when i was younger wow did competitions and stuff you ever ride anymore no i broke my wrist last year broke your wrist yeah i had surgery bicycles where you broke your wrist to a motorcycle motorcycles for like the last eight years so yeah and you're like fuck it i could just die on this one fuck a wrist that's right that is right fuck a wrist that's what i always see when i'm people with motorcycles like that's the one you're gonna die fuck it. I could just die on this one. Fuck a wrist. That's right. That is right. Fuck a wrist. That's what I always see when people with motorcycles. That's the one you're going to die on. I hope it's the color that you like because that's the one that's going to be there when you're sideways bleeding out.

Why did I get the blue one? I don't mean you, but I just... Or you. Do you weave between lanes? Do you do that? No. No, okay, good. I play it safe.

That's smart. How many people do? How about on your bicycle? Yeah, I do weave between lanes? Do you do that? No. Play it safe. That's smart. How about on your bicycle? Yeah, I do weave between cars on my bicycle. Really? I'm a maniac on the bike. I almost... These people are crazy out here. Certain bicycle people have quite the attitude. They get sort of... They're bossier than cars sometimes.

It's like... Share the road! Share the road! Share the road! Take the sidewalk! I'll yell back. I'm going to yell back. Take the sidewalk. It's a path for you

and small children. It's what? Is it illegal to ride on the sidewalk? Yeah. But you know what the benefit is? Breaking the law versus getting hit by a truck. I'd rather take a ticket than a four-tour. The people arguing.

This town rally that just fucking started over here. You get a ticket for it in Silver Lake! Do you ride a bicycle? Whoever just got super defensive. Me, I always ride a bicycle. You can't just jump on the sidewalk and just fuck your friends up. Isn't that bullshit? Why can't you?

Sunset's Okay, everybody. Obviously I just lost control of my own show for a second. Sorry for the bicycle talk. There's not really people on Sunset. When are you bicycling on Sunset? You know you could just take the street right next that you can go on instead of a major artery into Hollywood.

There's side streets. Do you ever take the sidewalk? Do you ever take people out? I feel like you're the kind of guy that would ride on the sidewalk and just grab a girl by the waist and make out with her and ride her off into the sunset. She just gets on my pegs and we just go into tomorrow and it's beautiful. No, I've never done that.

I've pissed people off. They've definitely been like, fuck you. How'd you do that? Just zooming past them when they're not ready for it. Did you make BMX videos? Yeah, I actually have. It's not like a porno, but... That's awesome.

You a BMXer? Yeah. When I was a young kid, yeah. I did a couple of competitions. You were too? Yeah. Oh, wow. Look at you guys.

Bonding. My dad was a dirt bike rider champion too. Really? You were? A dirt bike rider champion? Whatever the mud one is. A dirt biker? Mud one.

The mud one. I love it. Steven, I like your style. Anything else for Steven Geist, Sandro? No, I dig the vest. I like the idea of you coming down the street on your skateboard with that vest on. I would smile no matter what I was doing. You're owning it.

Thank you for right now. It's amazing. You look like a hipster and the guy that would beat up the hipster in the same person and it's incredible there he goes, Stephen Holloman everybody

he's on twitter at Holloman Jokes let's pull another name out of the pocket let's pull another name out of the pocket oh, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I almost forgot about that. We didn't even talk about that, did we? I can't believe people are still doing impersonations. But you know what?

As long as you're talking about how bad it is, then it works out. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Stephen Breeze. Hey everybody I just got a job as a cashier Thank you, thank you Always wanted to be president But I guess I can settle for making some change in people's lives

I'm going to try to be real relatable You guys watch the TV show The Walking Dead? Yeah, I like that TV show. It reminds me of my ex-girlfriend and how I never want to date her again. You know, because she's dead. Oh, I only have a few requirements for women and living, breathing, and definitely no biters. Nope. Okay.

There are some weird people. I shouldn't call them weird because I feel bad for the dating life of necrophiliacs. Like, that's... You guys aren't on board with me? Their dating lives must be really hard. Like, I can make an online dating profile and maybe the girl that I'm meeting

isn't the same person in the picture. This guy has to go through days of obituaries just to find his newly dead bride of his dreams and maybe she's a little bit drier when um and that gives a whole new meaning to lotion uh oh man i'm bombing you guys oh all right fuck yeah steve breeze what's amazing about about what what just happened here is that you acknowledged that you were bombing, and in a very tattoo-centric episode of Kill Tony,

I noticed that on the back of your left bicep is an actual bomb. Yeah, there is a grenade, and then this side, there's just a pin with the smoke. Just a pin with a what? With the smoke coming off of it. With the smoke. Is that what happens after? I have no idea. Oh, yeah, that's a pin with the smoke. Just a pin with a what? With the smoke coming off a pin. With the smoke. Is that what happens after? I have no idea. Oh, yeah.

That's a part of the bombing. And everything in between those two things bombed. And it was unbelievable. That's incredible. At least you're totally owning it. He is the shrapnel. How was your set tonight, bro? Just like right there, buddy.

Just fucking bombed. Steve, I like your style. How long have you been doing this? This is four years. Four or five years. Four years. Where at? In Milwaukee.

Milwaukee. Fuck. Okay. The whole time? Yep. So you're just visiting right now? I just moved here. Oh, cool.

How long ago? About a week. Fucking awesome. Yeah, man. That's great. What were you doing in Milwaukee for money? I was a resident manager. What does that mean?

I just babysat a bunch of people in a building, and they let me stay there for free. That's awesome. Yeah. Oh, I got you. Manage like a manager of an apartment building. Yeah. So I just rented an apartment. I don't think you bombed. I'm just stoned.

That's my excuse all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I think the necrophilia stuff is probably hard. I think because you said... I think... I think because you said, I'm going to be super relatable here.

Yeah. And you did a walking dead joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't think you go from, like, relatable walking dead to being like, you guys know about people that fuck dead people, right? It's a tough transition. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a tough transition. I don't think it's common enough. I think... I see where he was going, though. Me too. I try to make it romantic. It's a tough transition. It's a tough transition. I don't think it's common enough. I think... I see where he was going, though. Me too. I try to make it romantic. That's, I mean, there's more to it.

I saw the romance angle. Yeah, that was, like, very romantic. I can tell you're romantic. I'm just trying to figure out when you bring flowers. That's the whole... Right.

Yeah. But are you fascinated with necrophilia? Not really. It was just a topic. Yeah, yeah, I just hit home. Milwaukee is a place of serial killers, right?

Yeah, we eat people there. But what's his name is from there? Dahmer. Dahmer lived by campus of Marquette, right? Like blocks away? Sort of, yeah. Actually, before I left, I filmed a short in a hotel that he killed his second victim in. So you're totally fucked up.

Yeah, I'm totally fucked up. That's awesome. That sounds hilarious. Did you're totally fucked up. Yeah, I'm totally fucked up. That's awesome. That sounds hilarious. Did you move out here alone? Yes. Cool. What other fucked up shit are you into? I did burlesque.

I don't know. What part of Modesto? Where do you live? Where do I live now? I live in West Hollywood. I'm staying with a friend. Okay, cool. And this is permanent.

The transition is now full time. Yeah, I quit my friend. Okay, cool. And this is permanent, the transition is now. It's like it's full-time. Yeah, I put my jobs. Okay, good. I lost my social security card, and I just got a job, but I need that to, like, get the job. Yeah. Wait. No passport. He lost that, too.

I lose a lot of important things. Hold on a second. You lost your social and your passport? Yeah. I don't know if I believe this. Hold on a second. You're fucked. I mean, that's like some of this. Oh, totally, passport? Yeah. I don't know if I believe this. Hold on a second. You're, that's,

you're fucked. I mean, that's like, Oh, totally, man. Yeah. That was my day.

I found out that I didn't have it today. How do you lose both of them? I mean, do you keep them both together and you're out drunk with Laverne and Shirley? I don't drink. I just lose shit.

What do you do for fun? Not much right now. Yeah. I take a lot of wats. That's what I do. I like walking. You do this a lot? Smoking. Yeah, you can see me shaking. I really want a cigarette.

How much better is the pot here than in Milwaukee? It's been good. Did your girlfriend really die? No. I have a different joke. I explain how my girlfriend dies before I tell that joke.

Yeah. And then that's just a callback. Do you wish your ex-girlfriend was dead? Is that where that stems from? No, no, no. Oh, no, no. You have no ill will towards any of your exes? No, she's actually just getting married.

It's kind of like better for her. Oh, yeah. So you're. I don't believe an inch of that. No, it's better. I'm happy. I'm totally. I'm happy for her. And I think everything's going to be good.

What does she do for work? I think she's working for an electrical company. So when you're stalking her, are you eyeballing the exact times that she's in the parking deck and all that stuff? Oh, no. I moved away right after we broke up. Do you know the guy she married? Yeah, we actually went to high school together. That's crazy.

Do you guys still talk? I talk to him. Last time I talked to him, he was into pyramid scams. So I kind of like... It was a boring conversation. You know what that proves? That you went to high school with this douchebag? Is that you should have done the school shooting that it looks like you already did. Yeah. You should have

done it. You totally seem like the school shooter comedian that just like got away with one and like, oh, I lost my social security card. Anyway, some more jokes. I've been thinking about a manifesto. I mean, that's... I bet. Fuck yeah. Well, you like us

though, right? No, totally. I'm not going to kill anybody. I'm not like that. Totally good. I was just like, as long as... I don't care about other people, but me, you're not going to kill me, right? No, no, no. Thank you. That's all I care about. Who would you go for first? I wouldn't go for anybody. No. I mean, if you had to.

My grandma's dead. That's the only person I ever hated. Who's the other person you hated? My grandmother. She's dead. I'm fine with it. Cool. Why did you hate her so much? Don't get it. Because she was a cunt. She whipped me with a phone cord.

Fuck her. She used to hit you with a phone cord? Yeah. And make meatloaf and order pizza. That was how my... Wait, those last two things sound pretty awesome. Not every day. Not every day.

What kind of stoner says that he hates his grandma that made meatloaf and pizza? Just buy a wireless phone. Two out of three I bet. Just buy a cordless phone and then she'll still make the meatloaf. Oh, she's dead, though, right? She's dead now. That's all right. Well, your style was good.

The necrophilia didn't hit, but I could tell that in a different room it might have. You never know. I think your confidence in it was good. No, it hasn't worked? One person came up to me and said, you fuck dead people. And I was like, you didn't get the joke. I don't fuck dead people. How long have you been doing it?

I think four months now. And it's still not working, but do you love it? I like it, yeah. Yeah, you do. That's why you keep doing it. I like that. Keep doing it, then, if you really like it. Keep doing it. But just do other stuff that other people like a little bit. Totally. And then it evens out.

And then it evens out, because you're going to have to do stuff for you that they don't really like. And I applaud evens out, because you're going to have to do stuff for you that they don't really like, and I applaud that. I think keep doing jokes that you think are fucking funny. Does that live close to your heart? Have you thought about necrophilia or something? Is that something that you might, you know, in a million years, think that you could

pull off? Let me ask you this. This is a question you won't hear on any other show in the world, by the way. Do you think you'd be able to get hard for a corpse? No. Well, I don't know. Do you hear that? No.

See that? Most people would be like, dear God, no. You were talking about fetishes earlier. Do you want to hear my sensual? Like my sensual? Yes. Fuck yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Let it rip, motherfuckers. I am quiet as fuck. I started having sex very young, and I masturbated very young. No, no, no. That's a whole different story, dude. Oh, shit. I started doing these things really young, so I had to be really quiet. So just in – like I dated a girl uh like 13 to 20 years old i didn't meet

any other girls i just had such a girl between 13 and 20 years no no we dated we dated from 13 to 20 so seven years i didn't have anybody else like so one girl we always had such in her parents room or not her parents yeah a few times when a few times in her parents' room. How old were you when you lost your virginity? I was 13. Wow. So what's your crazy? I'm so quiet.

I'm really quiet. I don't like any sort of noise during sex. It throws me off. It throws me off. That's so funny, dude. It throws me off. That's funny. That's so funny.

That's so funny. I mute porn. I mute porn. You mute porn? I mute porn. You mute porn? I mute porn. Oh, I love that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So when the girl is making noise, are you like, shut up? Stop enjoying yourself, bitch. You should be dead. Do you get angry? Shut the fuck up. Oh, no, no, no, no. Tell me that it sucks. You just kind of like, I'm not.

You lose your boner? Like, if you hear like a, like, let's say like somebody closed the door and you're like, fuck, my dick's gone. I don't get scared. So you can technically get talk-blocked? Any kind of noise. What about music, TV, any of that? You have to shut everything off

if you're hooking up with a girl. What's one sound that you like? It's happened enough where I'm kind of just used to whatever happened. Let's say somebody offered you, like, $5,000 to make a porno, right? And you're having sex with a chick, and somebody walked up right next to you and blew an air horn off right next to your head. Like, what would happen?

You'd be done. No, I could probably go through that. Okay. So a sex toy for you is, like, noise-canceling headphones? Oh, those are gross to me. Those are just gross to me. That's. Yeah?

Headphones are gross to you? No, no. I thought you said the... Oh, a sex toy. A sex toy. Do you like women's feet? Huh? Are you a feet guy?

A feet guy? Yeah. No. A foot fetish? No. No. Weird. By the way, I will say, I appreciate you saying your fetish.

I think that's very brave. Some people in here have way creepier shit. What is it? A candle fetish? Wow. Like waxing? That's fun. With a candle and silence? Yeah. That's A candle fetish? Like waxing? That's fun With a candle and silence

That's cool Oh because you just want to hold in the pain Yeah that's nice You want to scream but you hold it in? No I just think it tickles It fucking tickles Oh I think Brian

I think you found your tickle victim Your tickle buddy We finally found somebody that likes tickling You piece of shit No tickle buddy! We finally got somebody that likes tickling, you piece of shit. Go tickle away, motherfucker. I'm going to sneak up behind him later and just tickle him. I can turn it off. You can't turn the tickle off. Yes, I can. Now that I know it's going to happen, it's so off.

Now it's gone. That's gone. That's good. I think the sex thing is funny. You should talk about that on stage. That's really funny that you have to be quiet. Do you ever talk about that on stage? I have, yeah.

When you talk to a girl that you're going to date, are you like, hey, I'm just giving you a heads up. I'm not going to show any emotion when we fuck. I've had that said after. Like, girls are like, you're a dead fish. No, just very detached. You're detached. Very detached.

Is the part where they make the noise that bothers you the most the part where they go, oh my god, you have a dick? I thought you were a lesbian. You're like, shut the fuck up! I got hit on by a guy who thought I was a girl. Really? you were a lesbian. You're like, shut the fuck up! I got hit on by a guy who thought I was a girl. Really? Really? But like a girl who had made a transformation. Did you go through with it a little bit?

No, I don't like dudes. Did you have a gimp costume on at the time and you just unzipped it and they only saw your lips? No, he just straight up asked me if I was a woman. I could see that. There's something sort of Sinead O'Connor about you. I could see it. Yeah, that's a goodinead O'Connor about you. You know? I could see it.

Yeah, that's a good call. It's true. He's got sweet eyes. Yeah. Thank you. Your face right now, is that your O-face? No, I don't... That was... So let me ask you something.

You're having sex with a girl, okay? And she starts, like, moaning, right? What do you say? How do you say it? Most of the time I sigh for a little while. Maybe it'll just go away by itself. You sigh during sex? I'm just like, oh, I don't feel good.

Oh my god, wait a second. Oh god. Yeah, it's normal. Like that? Yeah, that's the word. Sex is gross. Steve, can you give us an example of your sigh that you would say if you're having...

Come on, really. You know, it's... I don't show emotion, dude. When you cum, what does that sound like? I have a joke about it. It's just whenever I cum, I say, oops, it's a baby. That's... Oops, it's a baby. That's... I'm not very good at pillow talking.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. I liked your energy up top, by the way. I will say that. You were up here, and you confidently came up, and you were like, boom, boom, and you went for it, and you went for it,

even though some of them didn't land like you want them to. I do think you did good on that. So that's a good note. Yeah, so fun meeting you. You totally seem, you know, it's blatant that you've been working hard in Milwaukee. And I'm excited that you're a part of the scene here. It's going to be great for you. You seem really committed and built for it. Please don't murder us.

Yeah, perhaps you may see a future first school set of shootings. If you're going to shoot a school, shoot Pat Reagan first is what he's saying. Grenade. School grenade. You're going to be a grenadier. Oh, there it was. It was all for grenadier, everybody. That was the payoff.

There he goes, Steve Brees. Thanks, Steve. Everybody, Steve Brees live. This is Twitter. We're going to get to the part where now we do our two regulars. Every single week we have two female comedians who are awesome.

This is like week seven or eight of them being part of the show. Do one more. Maybe we'll do one more after them. Put your hands together for your first regular she is so awesome she's 19 years old she just got back from

London and Paris put your hands together for her she's great Allie Makovsky everybody thank you I was fucking this guy as you do Thank you. I was fucking this guy, as you do. And after it was done, he was like, I'm so good at this. Like, I was so good. And I was like, no, you weren't.

I'm so good at this. And he was like, no, I'm really good at this. He was like, maybe you come in, like, a close second. I was like, I don so good at this. And he was like, no, I'm really good at this. He was like, maybe you come in like a close second. I was like, I don't come at all. You suck. Listening to a lot of Drake lately. Really like Drake. I noticed that he says the N-word a lot in his songs. For a half-black, half-Jewish guy,

I'm disappointed with how little he says kike. That's it. That's it. That's amazing. A new minute by Ali Makovsky. Thanks. Good job. That's so fun. Did it again.

Yeah, Drake's fun, right? Love it. Can you believe Drake lives in Calabasas? Well, that's one of his cars, or houses. Yeah, but that fun, right? Love it. Can you believe Drake lives in Calabasas? Well, that's one of his cars, or houses. Yeah, but that's like his main... No, Toronto's his main house. Why is that crazy? Why do you guys know so much about where Drake lives?

I used to date a Mexican. Oh, got it. Drake's an inspiration, you haters. Yeah. Everybody wants to hate when you're on top. He's an inspiration, really. Absolutely. Drake fucking sucks.

You're wrong. Why does he suck so much? Drake is jogging music. I listen to his... You know how good music... That's right, I said it. Good music hits your ears. That's what you listen to when you're jogging.

You put on Cypress Hill. You don't jog. Hits from a bong. It's like, hits from a bong. You're just like in it. I put on Drake. I'm just like, this is just boring. What kind of hip hop do you listen to?

Cypress Hill. Really? You're committed to that as your number one answer? Yeah. Yikes. Okay. This is fun. I can see why we couldn't even, we'll never come close to agreeing on

I'm really enjoying myself up here. Fuck yeah. Allie's jumping in. You listen to Drake a lot? No. No. I just was listening to him with a friend, and he was saying the N-word so much, and I was like, isn't he half Jewish?

I feel like it's a little bit wrong that he's saying this so often. Right. Yeah. He's an interesting one. He's Canadian, too. Are you Jewish? I so often. He's an interesting one. He's Canadian too. Are you Jewish? I'm Jewish. Half. You should have been able to just say kite. You can't finish it.

I can't finish it. It just feels so good. It's empowering. You're taking it back. I know. I'm not Jewish. I say it all the time. Let's get it started. Did you ever tell anybody to go flag hike? No. You probably shouldn't say that What

What else has been happening? What else is going on? You just got back from Europe I did I did get back And it's awful I want to go back to Europe Really?

Yeah It's so great over there What do you miss about Europe the most? Just like the people I think it's only because it's a new place, so everything is just so exciting. But I'm sure if I was there for a longer time, I'd be so over it.

Allie, did you bone a guy, and was he really bragging after? No, I just thought of that when I was over here, because I was telling my friend I went to the gynecologist today, and then it just kind of spiraled into just fucking dudes. Organic. Organic, so organic.

That's fun. Did you do a lot of comedy spots out there? Yeah, I did some shows over there and they were really great. What's the difference between European crowds and American crowds? There's intermissions during shows over there. Ew.

It worked out really well it's really cool it's a bad idea have you ever been in a show where you're watching and it's like yeah this is getting better and better and then they just stop it and all the power and energy that was in that show is just now reset

now everyone's like half drunk but the idea for them is for people to go piss and get more drinks over there everyone's smoking cigarettes so they're just like, I need this. And they do. So I guess maybe it works out for them better. They come back in with their

smoke and then their drink and then they're piss free and they're not going to stand up in the middle of a set. And they sit the whole fucking time. I bet it works. You said you're half Jewish. What's the other half? Catholic. That's not really a... Alright. I don't think you know how this race thing works exactly.

Actually, she's right. Yeah. Which is only because she's half Jewish. I'm not Israeli. Right. And that's not even... That wouldn't even make you Jewish. Yeah, no. There's a lot of people in LA that are like, I'm Jewish. It's like, do you go to church? And they're like, no.

Yeah. Then you're not Jewish. Then you're just a guy. Yeah. That's it. Right. You're actually right on point. Thank you.

Fuck all these fake Jews. Fuck them. How about race-wise? Race-wise, my mom is Irish and my dad is Russian. Nice. That's good. Russian Jew?

Russian Jew, yeah. They're cold as ice. They're fucking... Yeah, they're badass. They're nuts. Your dad's a bad motherfucker. No, he's good. Russian Jew? Russian Jew, yeah. They're cold as ice. They're fucking... Yeah. They're badass. They're nuts. Your dad's a bad motherfucker. No, he's such an idiot.

Really? He's a degenerate, yeah. He told me the other day, he goes... I was like, oh, yeah, we're Russian, blah, blah, blah. He's like, no, we're Polish. And I was like, who are you? Like, are you my dad? Get out of here.

Wow. Where are you from? I'm from Long Beach. Yeah. Yeah. I like it down there. Me too. You probably like it so much over there just because you haven't been in California your whole life. Yeah, that's true. Like if you just moved to anywhere, you'd probably

be like, wow, New York is the most amazing place in the world. Yeah, that's true. I've never been there though. Long Beach, Long Beach, like this, like the, what's the area called? Belmont Shores? Yeah, Belmont Shores. My mom used to live over there. It's really nice, right? Yeah.

And then not too far away, it's really not nice. Yeah, yeah. You just go make a left turn down a street, and you're like, oh, where am I? Still in Long Beach. But Belmont's really, really wealthy, rich. Yeah, because it's right by the beach. Do you still live with your parents? I couch surf right now, but technically that is my home base.

Dick surf or couch surf? It's a couch. There's mattresses on it. There's multiple. You've stacked mattresses on your couch? Yeah, there's so many mattresses. On the couch? I actually live in Mattress City, the store.

I'm sponsored. What do your parents say about you doing Santa comedy my mom's watching the you stream right now my dad's name is Larry you're killing us Larry and Larry's watching right now my mom is watching mom that's how fun is that

say something important that you need to say sorry for fucking people yay look what you created Mrs. Makovsky fuck yeah there she goes good job Ally follow her on Twitter and Instagram and everything Ally Makovsky

we have one other regular that writes and performs a brand new 60 seconds every single week the always fun goofy nervous stylings of the one and only Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Thank you. My mom's Jewish, so I'm a fake Jew. Just so you know.

What's funny about tonight is I used to live in Wilmore. Like, literally, Wilmore, Kentucky is, like, where I went to college. And Wilmore was a large guy. Sorry, that just happened. And I just said sorry again. That's okay, though. So why do you do this, Melissa? Why?

People keep asking me. Because, quite frankly drugs are not sustainable but making a fool of yourself is and making people laugh is look see I'm shaking like I just did something terrible so that's why I do it

and I think I fell short because I didn't hear a cat and I don't know how long it's been I did but because I didn't hear a cat and I don't know how long it's been. You did one of your jokes. Did you write a joke? I did, but then I was... It's taking over me. See what's happening? Whoa. Well, can I just... I can't think of it,

but I can think of... Oh, wow. Hey, guys. Back. And we're back. And we're back. So it depends because it just depends how lazy I am today. Depends. The diapers. Oh, okay.

Oh, wow. It's a diaper joke. She said depends. Like the diapers. By the way, time flies with Melissa Esslingerer that was a minute one minute and 30 seconds uh time flies when you're having a stroke what yeah that was that was incredible um fuck yeah melissa um you went for it if if shaking was uh uh was the goal then you fucking did it.

We need to get you. You should be like a professional salad tosser or something. Some kind of thing where it's just like... If we gave you a shake weight for three weeks, you would end up being Ronda Rousey.

You would just be in an octagon beating the shit out of her because you'd be unstoppable. You would have made that dude from American Idol look like a bitch. The kid with the stutter or whatever. You would have fucking trumped him so hard with that shake. You shook so much they would have reported on it on Michael J. Fox News.

That's how much you shook. I'm trying to get rid of it. You're trying to get rid of the shake? I'm getting there. I just get so nervous and the harder I push against those nerves the more I shake. how much you shook. I'm trying to get rid of it. You're trying to get rid of the shake? Getting there. Fuck yeah. I just get so nervous and the harder I push against those nerves, the more I shake. So was there any joke

that you had written tonight? Yes, and I'll be honest, I completely forgot them because I really, really liked this episode and I actually, like, usually I'm, like, in my head for a whole time before. Does your shake bring all the boys to the yard?

Shake it off. Shake it off. Shake it off. It's yours now. I'll never be able to use that. So now you have a... There you go. You wrote your joke for the day. That's how it works.

No, it doesn't. There's the joke. Melissa, what else has been happening? What have you been doing for fun? You work a lot. You work a full-time day job. That's incredible. You're doing spots at night. You work a full-time day job. That's incredible. You're doing spots at

night. You just started stand-up. You're newer at it than even Allie Makovsky is and she's 19. It's here. 20. That's right. We had a birthday. How old are you? 25. I just turned 25. You're so young. Thanks. What do you do for fun?

Well, usually, I really like to drive, drive but can't do that here So I used to Why can't you do that here? Because you've killed 74 people That were walking on sidewalks She just feels like you drive over people Yeah it's just

Well I drive a stick shift so it's a lot of work If I'm going to be driving during any time That anybody else is out which is always So I just get I mean I don't mind it but anyway I like to play music if I'm going to be driving during any time that anybody else is out, which is always. I don't mind it. Anyway, I like to play music. Stick shift. You keep throwing it into neutral when you're on the freeway.

Yep. I think I've only used fifth gear once since I moved here. You should go up to a bar sometime, all of a panic attack, Shaken, not stirred. That's funny. I really applaud your bravery. I think you did a great job. You came up here nervous as fuck. I think it's good that you do it.

It's funny that you said you get more nervous and then you go right into the nerves and it makes you even worse. I thought it would. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't know. No, but I think that's a good thing that you said you get more nervous and then you go right into the nerves and it makes you even worse. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't know. No, but I think that's a good thing that you're just going to fucking do it. I think that's the only way to do it. See, what's fun is it's an interesting position because this is the only spot, I think, in all of comedy or anything like it

where the audience that watches all these episodes of these shows that I talk to when I'm on the road performing in sold-out venues, they often come up to me and they go you know the part with the regulars is so cool because we get to watch them grow you know there's no other show where you get to watch somebody really get better at stand-up comedy other than this one week after week and either you're gonna be like this amazing turnaround storyline or it's going to have the saddest ending. But either way, that's what's fun.

It's like taking the chance and committing and the only way that it's going to work is by keeping doing it. There's nothing that can take away your spot. You're locked in for a minute here. You can't shake your way out of this one. If you really had a...

Because the haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate. If you had jokes written out and you were too nervous to remember them, you need to write them down. Yeah, just fucking scribble the fucking shit out of them. Because that was really literally a minute 30. We gave you extra time that we were like, whoa, wait, when's she going to start?

Somebody even yelled out, when are you going to start? Which is not a good thing to yell out. I mean, it's very important that we actually see material, though. Because, I mean, this is the whole point is that we can watch you grow. So every week that we can see like an improvement in writing and stuff like that. I don't know. Is this like the fifth or sixth or seventh week we've seen, and you actually did better on your first time on the show.

One of my, I was going to talk about being awkward. When I came here tonight before I walked in this room, I was going to talk about being awkward and how I make awkward people feel comfortable. I was going to talk about how someone once, like, I was meeting new friends, and they were like, we accept you. We had an autistic friend, and that's my joke. Yeah, so maybe next week write it down. Maybe next time write it down and just have it as a backup.

Normally you look at your hand when you're. Yeah, and I haven't been doing that. I guess that's, you know, that is also, by the way, the best way to learn how to not, you know, I was never one to really like write down a set list. I don't know if you guys were, but now, you know, when you learn without needing a set list, like sometimes you're just going to sink or swim without remembering. And the more times that you end up going on stage and you don't remember your shit, you're just going to end up remembering more the next time because you're like, I don't want that fucking feeling again. So, I don't know. I don't know whether I would commit to writing it down or not writing it down or you could just fucking

push it and try to remember it and know how much better it feels to get a laugh than to end up just like fucking I don't know what you do. It's so funny though. It's so compelling to watch. It's like watching a puppy like panic. Melissa. Some kind of shelter. It's adorable.

It's a pretty good example for people that are watching and the people that are here that this is so much harder than people think. I think it's a good thing to people. I think it's good that people see you shaking so fucking violently so they know what kind of emotion it

can evoke out of people to get on stage because every dickhead is like, I can get up there. But it's really, really tough, right? Isn't it really tough? Is it the hardest thing you've ever done? Pretty much every time I go up, I want to just puke and not go up. Well, Melissa. Almost every time.

I get excited once I'm, but yeah. You know, Mitch Hedberg wore sunglasses to combat his nerves. So maybe you could try performing a sensory deprivation tank. Desperation? A deprivation tank. Melissa, I love your style.

I'm so looking forward to episode to episode with you. You're one of my favorite things to watch. There she is, Melissa Esselstyn. Melissa! Yeah, the regular. There she is, Melissa Esselstyn. Melissa! The other regular. There's no ding-dong show tonight after this show.

Normally, this is when the show ends. You guys want to do one more? I think we should do one more. There's a comedian who I'm sure signed up, who I see in the back of the room, who I know is just visiting. The last few times he's been on the show we've had so fucking much fun with him.

He's another one of these young guys that I think is a real like upcoming monster on the scene. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm wrong. But put your hands together for him. Let's get him up here. Michael Perkinson ladies and gentlemen. You guys remember the Bloods and the Crips? Hey, you think the Bloods ever get mad when the Blue Team wins on Wildin' Out?

It's about as gangster as entertainment gets, right? I got a pocket pussy, but it's pretty hard to fuck while it's in my pocket. Or at least that's what I told TSA while they were searching my bags. How y'all doing tonight? Pat Reagan just laughing your ass off at me

just bombing here? God, I wish this crowd was full of crickets. That way I could say i was playing to my target audience you sons of bitches you sons of fucking bitches what's with people naming their junk after animals you know you got like hey suck my cock you realize a cock is also pre-verbed as a chicken right so technically everybody here has eaten some cock right you know you got the beaver you got the moose knuckle, the camel toe. You think a camel's walking around with pussy feet?

Just pussy footing around, you know? All right. Hey, guys. Do you want to do another one? Hey, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. I guess what? Just shut the fuck up, Randy. Every step I take is hump day. Me and my dirty pussy feet.

That was the rest of that joke. That was it, huh? One less. One less. Good job, man. Michael fucking Parkinson. Now, last time I saw you, there was some crazy shit going on.

You had to move back to Florida. You said you might not ever be coming back. You had the gout, which is like some kind of fucking, obviously, to get that, you either have to be a king or a blown-up version of Rhea Perlman. You still didn't learn from the gout. You were wearing sandals. Always. Always with the flip-flops. Lady shoes.

Why don't you ever cover your feet? Never. Dude, let them breathe, baby. Let them breathe. What movie are you working on? You're in town right now for a movie, right? I am working on a movie. Wow. You're playing the new Marshmallow Man, correct? I actually have, yeah. God damn, no. Making new Ghostbusters. Jesus, no.

No, I'm actually... You're playing Jonah Hill in the Jonah Hill biopic? Yeah. God damn. I've got two movies. One just came out. It's called Helen Keller vs. Night Wolves. I got another one.

Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. Laugh. Laugh it up. We got a fucking great fucking cast. Helen Keller versus Nightwolf? Yeah, you want to talk about it?

Let's roll. I'm laughing with you. You're fucking... I'm Pat Reagan in my bed. In my Greg's bed. Fucking whatever. Wow, Michael Perkinson hates you, Pat Reagan. Just be genuine.

Just be genuine. Write a song about me fucking you, Pat Reagan. Just be genuine. Just be genuine. Write a song about me fucking you later. Wow. Holy shit. Michael Perkinson, what happened? You did so good, and then you snapped a little bit, huh? Just kidding, dude.

I fucking love Pat Reagan. Dude, I just watched you put your ass in some dude's nose on the Air Contra show. Wow. Okay. Michael. It's bare ass. It's bare naked ass. some dude's nose on the air country show. Wow. Okay. Michael. It's bare ass. It's bare naked ass. Some dude's nose.

Michael, you know we're still on the air, right? Sure. Sure. There's like a whole still a crowd in front of you and everything. Sure. Sure. So, okay. So I'm in Hell and Calibur's Night Wolves and the movie I came to film this week is called Range 15.

It was funded by military veterans. You want to get a little list of who's with me on both movies? We got William Shatner in Range 15. We got Danny Trejo. We got Dale Dye. We got Dale Dye. Wait a second. You went to Gay Porn Stars real quick. Who is

that? Dale Dye was a general in Saving Private Ryan. He plays the president in Range 15. We got Jim O'Hare from Parks and Rec. We got Richard Reilly. I have dialogue with Richard Reilly from Office Space. He's the jump to conclusions guy. I'm a people person, god damn it!

What's wrong with you guys? That's the giant lesbian horn, everybody. You know it and you love it. Anytime there's a giant lesbian on this show, you get to hear that. There it is. This show is so great. It's not going anywhere.

The only thing that can kill Tony is his T-cell count. Oh, you tried it again. He's saying you got AIDS. Oh, you son of a bitch. He's saying you have a disease. He always tries to do this. Every time you get on the show, you always start a little roast battle, and then you're crying to me afterwards.

You come crying. I'm just happy you had me on, man. It's a fucking pleasure to be here. Still don't like you. God damn it. That's interesting. You're just going through a range of emotions. I see that you have a lot of writing on your hand.

Are those jokes or just recipes? Oh, no, I've got a... You want to do this, Michael Perkinson? You want to do this? Michael Perkinson? You want to do this? Yeah, throw off your glasses. Piece of fucking shit. You look like Steve Buscemi's lesbian sister. That doesn't even make sense.

And how dare you owe that? I already lesbian him. You can't double lesbian. That's scissoring, okay? Everybody knows that. You can't lesbian a lesbian. Michael fucking Perkinson. God damn it! How dare you?

Laughter, tears, anger. You're really fucking something else for always talking shit, you know that, Michael Perkins? God damn it, you are too, man. What do you do for fun? What's your crazy fucking... Right now, I'm just blacking out drinking. What's your fetish other

than pudding? What? What's your second biggest fetish to pudding? Pudding? Yeah. I like it. I like watching porn where chicks lick each other's assholes. Really? Yeah. That's your

shit. There's some kind of commitment to that, right? All of his toes look like thumbs. That is true. It is interesting. Did you think everyone was going to... They're all opposable. Do you think everyone was going to start applauding with you? You'd look like me if my mom was a midget.

That's an accurate statement, guys. Give it to him. How are you doing, Tony, man? What's up? I'm doing great. That's an accurate statement, guys. Give it to him. Yeah. How are you doing, Tony, man? What's up? I'm doing great. Life is good. The real question is, what have you been up to?

You left us because you had the gout. Now you're back. What's going on? You live in L.A. again? No, I'm not here, but I'm coming back soon. I just got to get a little bit of capital. What happened with you and Doug Benson? We had Doug Benson on here, and he said something really horrific happened.

Oh, shit. Do we want to go there? Yeah, let's go. Well, I mean, yeah, okay, look. I was the beta tester for the brownies that we cooked in celebration of the idea of Doug Benson. He's a stoner, right? You're the brownie taster? I took the first brownie, and let me tell you, that brownie was way too fucking potent.

And I went out, and I fucking charged it. I sold a quarter of his tickets. And then I on the crowd and i sat out there wait a second wait absolutely sold a quarter of his things it pissed him off it pissed him off yeah no no was i incoherent yes was i fun sure who gives a fuck i wasn't that funny but i'll tell you this uh when i was sitting when you're sitting in the crowd in front of you. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. You mean to tell me that one brownie fucked you up this bad? No, I ate fucking three.

They were muffins. I ate three untested muffins, Tony. Three untested muffins. How much do you weigh? Fucking one. One. Yeah, right. One.

The only word that could follow that is ton, brother. Jesus Christ. I weigh one elephant. I don't know, about 270. I don't know. Fuck yeah. 265. We just so happen to have a weight carnival guest in the corner.

He says 265. But I'm going to tell you, what crushed me was I went out to watch him. First off, it's tough when someone opens their set with 15 minutes worth of tweets. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't hate on Doug Benson. Well, you went there. I told you I didn't want to talk about it. Jeez.

So I sit in the crowd and he goes, all y'all came out to see this guy's stupid set? And I'm sitting like third row looking right at him. And he's like, where is he? Oh, right there. Oh, shit. I can't believe you're hating on Doug Benson. Just like with everything else,

I'm guessing you're going to eat those words. Why do you think he's sticking around your show more than he's sticking around his? Let's just talk about that. Michael, please stop. I think he's sticking around your show more than he's sticking around his? Let's just talk about that. Michael, please stop. I think he's booked for next week, so please stop what you're doing. He's a piggybacker. He's a piggybacker, that Doug Benson.

Well, if he got on your back, then he's a piggybacker, Michael Parkinson. You fucking monster. Yeah, pull your fucking sleeves back down Fucking Always dress like you're going to like Some nude beach or something That's like what you wear to it right Jesus Christ

You look like the kind of guy that would actually do that too You have that kind of creepy fucking filmmaker head or something You have like Michael Moore body You know What are you into documentaries and shit You look like that alien from American Dad You have like Michael Moore body. What are you, into documentaries and shit? You look like that alien from American Dad. You look like that alien. Would you like to

do a PowerPoint and show these people? Give me some! Don't let them overrun me! Give me something! Here we are! The fat people, all of your back. It's so exciting to watch. Those fat hands all clapping together. Almost sounds like more than three fat guys But nope just three fat hands clapping together

Michael Parkinson What's your favorite food? Fucking everything What the fuck Like what isn't my favorite What did you eat today? Today nothing You know why?

Because I ate a whole pizza around 4 o'clock this morning. Yeah, Big Mama's and Papa's Pizza. It was a meatball and garlic, two for $26.99. Fucking delicious. Plug it. Count it. I left out. Whole pizza.

I ate a whole pizza last night. I had some beers hanging out, you know. Trying to find somewhere cool to jerk off. I just can't find any privacy. How did you? Where do you know? Trying to find somewhere cool to jerk off. I just can't find any privacy. Well, how did you? Where do you live? I live on the couch. I don't live anywhere here,

but I was on this guy's couch and there's fucking five of us here. There's fucking another dude on the couch, another dude in the living room. So you guys just spooned on the couch or laid on top of each other? No. I'm the mattress.

They just lay on top of me and try to avoid my boner. My boner separates two people. Is it like you and Danny Trejo and the guy from Office Space? All just chilling out on the couch?

And they just watch you have low blood sugar attacks every half an hour? Something like that? Yeah, exactly. Man, such. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Man, such a range of emotions, though. I can't get over it. You literally, like, when you laugh, you sound like you're going to cry. When you laugh, you sound like a trust fund.

So I don't know what to tell you. Oh, God. Oh, man. Jesus. You had that waiting on me? I was just hammering it until I went for that one. Oh, the price is fat. I don't know what that means.

The price is fried. I love that. Hey, I would have danced, by the way. Where's that? He's gone. He should have danced. He should have danced. I hope you dance.

If you get the chance to fucking dance up here Fucking throw a mic through the roof Do something fun, dance Come on We got a song for you You guys really want to see this? I love that he just set up his own dance solo For some reason here Oh my god, Michael, alright

Oh, the sandals are off Athlete's foot for all the Rest of the comedians Oh, he sandals are off. Athlete's foot for all the rest of the comedians. Oh, he's doing the Twinkie. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. It's already smelling like 250 pounds up here. Right.

Oh. Oh, he's jumping the licorice rope, everybody. Everything he does is food-oriented dance. Fuck yeah. You just gave me a concussion somehow. I've had over like 20 concussions in my life, Tony. A lot of concussions. Did you hit your head on something?

No, I just leaned it hard. That's why I wear the soft sandals. Yeah. That was a lot. That was a lot. Tony. I literally used you to anchor this show. Did it work?

Did it work? It really, it was okay. Don't give me the outro without him saying it. Stop it. Everybody stop. I'm going to be honest. Like your blood pressure, there was a lot of highs and a lot of lows. But in the end, it was

worth it. Michael Perkinson, everybody. Thank you. Alright, that's it. We did a live show. That's how it works. Thank you to AtJoshMartin Martin Comic. He's running around doing everything for us. Ali Makovsky, Melissa Esslinger. Here's our drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. This all happened

Oh my god, the bitch boys. Everybody, that's the moment that stuck out. Ryan J. Ebel nailing it. Check out all of his work at ryanjeelt.com and on Instagram and on Twitter. He's now selling these prints, his drawings from all the shows.

Check us out at DeathSquad.tv, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Pat Reagan's Patty Reagan on Twitter, P-A-T-T-Y-R-E-G-A-N. Sherman's Gourmet Edibles. Pat, anything else? Nope. Sandro Yocolano is Sandro Yocolano on Twitter, S-A-N-D-R-O-I-O-C-O-L-A-N-O. Yeah. And Andrew Santino.

So much fun. The Cheeto Santino. Any other dates coming up or anything you guys want to promote? No, these people are barely here anymore. No, it's to the podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch my comedy special on November 27th. Oh, that's great.

November 27th. What's it called? November 27th Comedy Central, the Andrew Santino one-hour special. Brian Redband. Hey, we're going to be in Columbus, Ohio and Pittsburgh Thanksgiving weekend. Go to deathsquad.tv, click on tour dates. And I'm in Portland, Sacramento, San Francisco, Atlanta and some other places. Stay tuned for all that.

And get your weed quick at speedweed.com. Yes. Good night. Thank you, live audience. Thank you. You're still the same. I'm giving you a night call To tell you how I feel I want to drive you through the night

Down the hills I gotta tell you something you don't want to hear I'm gonna show you where it's done E aí you you you