KILL TONY - KILL TONY #13

Episode Date: September 25, 2013

Doug Benson, Pauly Shore, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 08/26/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please check us out on iTunes and Stitcher and subscribe to us. Don't forget to rate and review our show also. And if you want to help DeathSquad out, there's only one thing that pays for everything we do here and that's the kitty cat t-shirt at ShopSquad.tv. This limited edition t-shirt, everything we do here needs to be paid for. And this is the only way that we make money. So please help us out.

Go to ShopSquad.TV. Buy a t-shirt. And if you want to see one of our live shows, DeathSquad.TV has a list of them all. Including September 26th, me and Tony Hinchcliffe will be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. Followed by the following day, which is a Friday, we'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Woodlands Backyard. This is a Death Squad

super show. We are going to be joined by Tom Segura and Christina Pajitsky with me and Tony. And then in October, we have the LA Podfest. That is October 4th through October 6th in Santa Monica, California. It's pretty much a hotel where everyone just goes and stays and there's live podcasts from people like Mark Maron, Doug Benson, and Death Squad's going to be there. We're going to have a live podcast and a live Pointless podcast. So come check us out. Go to lapodfest.com or the easiest thing is just go to deathsquad.tv for all the links. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Bant coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yep. Yep. Yep. Fuck yeah, everybody. Here we are again. Welcome, everyone. There's a live crowd out there, everybody. How you guys doing tonight?

All right. How exciting. Another fun weekend down the drain. Yep. What is this? 14, something like that.

13 or 14, 13 or 14 Mondays in a row. Yeah. Well, yeah, I've been doing it though for like 50. Wow. Sucks.

I'm done with Mondays. Mondays are the worst. Cause I have a podcast I do for three hours right when I wake up. So like last night we, we had, we had a great time at the burn uh the roast the roast of the james franco yeah and uh we all got pretty wasted i had to wake up grab starbucks run right to a three-hour podcast come here i had a movie audition today i had my

first real like legitimate movie audition today for the first time ever and i got this audition the day after the biggest roast that i've written for i write for the roast but that's how life works that's hollywood and life and what a great party too man first movie audition ever yeah it wasn't great it didn't go great yeah what happened didn't go bad but It didn't go great. Yeah, what happened? It didn't go bad, but it didn't go great. Well, what it said in the thing was that I had something, something,

I had a part, but then there was like another part that I didn't know that it didn't say that. It's a whole thing. Crazy part is, is in the waiting room, I'm sitting there.

Actually, as soon as I walk in, there's only one other guy in the room sitting there for the part. And it's Jesse Pinkman's friend, not Badger, but the other one, Skinny Pete. You guys know who I'm talking about? The guy that's always hanging out with Badger

and Breaking Bad, if you watch the show at all. Nope. Great show. Anyway, so I had an interesting talk with him, and he was telling me that he actually just moved to Los Angeles, and he was based in Texas, that he was a day player, like doing extra work, booking little tiny things out of Texas.

This one show's taping there. He books that. It was just for a non-speaking role. And then next thing you know, he's on fucking Breaking Bad. He just moved to LA, this guy. He goes, now I'm in LA. We're talking about, and I'm laughing like, oh my

God, you're going to be able to do anything. And his response or my response at the end was basically like, I'm fucking moving to Texas. You don't know what you're getting yourself into, man. Anyway, it was interesting. It was a break, and then I, you know, that's extra pressure, too.

That's like the only show I watch on TV. All of a sudden, I'm auditioning against the only thing that I really respect. So that was fucked up. Hello. It's a live podcast, everybody. The Iron Patriot is here, everyone. The head of security. Everybody's favorite.

I got something I want to ask you, Tony. Sure. Today I read an article that James Franco's 92-year-old grandmother came to the roast, and Jeff Ross said a joke saying that she's going to die in 127 hours in reference to his movie of the same name. Now, were you responsible for that joke, Tony? That's an interesting question, Patreon. No, I was not.

That's good, because I wouldn't want you to do that to Grandma. Such a nice guy underneath that tough, sturdy suit. It was a big week for me, Tony. My first interview this week. Oh, yes. What was that like? I was interviewed in Canada, in Ontario, a small town in Canada. And the podcast was called, What the Fuck Are They Talking About?

At WTF ATTA and I got a chance to discuss some of my philosophies in depth and I got to talk about Kill Tony a lot too it was great I told the whole story of how I came to Death Squad and how I've been a fan for a long time I listened to the whole thing and I passed it on to everybody to listen to it uh because it really freaked me the fuck out. What did you find out about the Patriot that you didn't know when you listened to it? He's a deep, deep guy, man. He believes that...

Well, I guess it's hard for me to explain what you said, but maybe you could help me out here. You don't believe in killing babies, but you believe if you were to kill a baby that the baby's imagination would be strong enough that the baby wouldn't even know that you tried to kill it because your own imagination inside of yourself, like your own universe inside of yourself. So you make your story out of your imagination every day and that you won't really affect anybody else because they also do the same. Well, I don't think you'll be in any space that you're not supposed to be in.

So the way I look at it, when somebody somebody dies they're just disappearing from our view right that's not the one story that's going on like when whitney houston went through all that shit and we're looking at her like oh she shouldn't have got on the drugs she shouldn't have done that it was our negative image of her that we saw that story happen we could have easily seen a story where whitney never did anything, never got with Bobby Brown and had a great life. But it's like, we've got to realize there's something negative in us that we even see that story in.

I know it's crazy to comprehend this shit, but, I mean, it's so hard to explain. Even in that interview, after I got done, I started thinking there was going to be some things that got misunderstood, because it sounds kind of crazy.

No, it's just deep. You're a deeper... I mean, you dress up as Iron Man, so you don't really take you as this very deep intellectual... It's really been... I really don't even care about this costume. It was just all for just... I really want to talk with Joe Rogan about philosophy.

And that brings me to this direct message that you sent me. Is that what you're using us for? Is that what this is? You're using Kill Tony as a launching pad to start your own... I'm just saying, though, already three years ago I wanted to talk with Joe, but I knew he would never talk with me unless I wrote a book and sold a million copies or whatever. But this was my plan, that if I get this costume, maybe people will listen to me.

Oh my god. Yeah, it says, people are tweeting that I should be on the Joe Rogan podcast. If you guys are into it, I would love to come on with the costume. I just see that not being a thing when... He messaged you that?

Yeah. Joe would never do that. Are you fucking crazy? I don't know how to... I came out of the costume. We don't know who you are, man. You're some guy in a suit. Anybody with a criminal history

could put on a suit. I don't know. I'm just, I'm confused about my career now because, of course, of course, of course I love Kill Tony. Of course I'm going to come doing this. But people have been just suggesting that I need my own podcast and I don't know what to do. I don't know what,

I don't know if, I mean, maybe Red Band come down to Hollywood once a week and film me doing my stuff. I mean, the first episode could be you showing me getting my equipment on. How I do it. What do you guys think? That would be a good podcast? You're really excited about that.

I don't know. Maybe I should just stick with Kill Tony and just... What the fuck ever made you wonder whether you should stick with Kill Tony or not? I'm just saying, people have been saying they want to hear me talk more on a podcast. Maybe I just... So if a 14-year-old at his mom's house

is writing you on his Android device while taking a shit that you should do a podcast, you immediately think that's a good idea. No, I mean, I've got a lot of... I'm answering fan mail all day. I'm spending a lot of time. I mean, I'm getting a lot of action on Twitter. I mean, people love me.

I could be a lot of time. I mean, I'm getting a lot of action on Twitter. I mean, people love me. I could be a cult leader. I think you're just... I noticed. I actually did look at your Twitter. And I wouldn't say that you have a cult following just because you have 1,000 Twitter followers. But that's only in... I don't think... That's only over like three months.

Well, yeah, from working with me. I know. I give you guys credit. I yeah, from working with me. I know. I give you guys credit. I love you guys. Believe me. I know. I'm just saying. This guy's already talking about jumping ship.

We're at episode 13. I said for sure I'm doing this no matter what. Even if I had five more podcasts, I'm going to be here until the end of time. Until this shit ends, I'm going to be here. Don't worry about that. I'm just saying. Thank you. Well, there you go, everybody.

I was just thinking maybe if I had another. I mean, I can't believe you're even worried, Tony. You know you're my favorite. I don't think I am. You just said you got the suit to talk to Joe Rogan eventually. Let me make an issue with you. Let me make an issue with you. When you were on the Joe Rogan experience, you didn't talk anything about Kill Tony.

You didn't even mention me. I thought there would be like ten minutes. Of course. Why would I do that when I could talk about philosophy? That's your fucking dream. That's what I was doing. We were talking about planets and shit. I mean, it was good. I'm just saying I showed you how to do it in that interview

this week. What? What the fuck is going on? Is this serious? Is this all real? No, this is what I'm trying to tell you. Listen to what I'm saying. There were a lot of people watching that Joe Rogan experience that don't know about Kill Tony.

And I know Joe doesn't like to plug shit. But it seems like there's a lot of people that if you would have shown a video or something to get them interested, we could have got a lot of new... And we're doing fine. I'm just saying, you know. Yeah, we're doing fine. And we'll get on it again because it was an interesting episode.

Yeah. Yeah. I loved you on there. I don't want to rock the boat or anything. I'm happy. Well, you have rocked the boat tonight. No, no. We're going into this show with an interesting outlook.

If you don't know, the Iron Patriot told us at one point that he bought the suit to come here and be part of Kill Tony. He takes the bus here every day and night because in his suit, this $5,000 custom made suit from what country? Norway. From Norway. He can't

sit down. So the reason that he takes the bus is because he has to stand up to get here. Yes. The middle section's made of ABS plastic, so it'll break if I sit down. But it's nice because it's nice and light, and I can move around in it. You know, I can get

the hips going like this. Well, I'm glad that you're here, Patriot, and he's our head of security, even though he's completely immobile in that thing. I mean, he really can't move at all. I could crack your skull with this fiberglass, though, Tony. You'd be suing me with your lawyer. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Oh, my God. There's an... Whoa. Oh, Jesus. All right, let's an in... Whoa. Oh, Jesus. All right, let's get this show started. Tonight's guest, I'm so excited about this one. One of my favorite comedians. Somebody who I'm very happy to have made friends with,

working with a lot with the Death Squad in the past year or so. And you know him from Doug Loves Movies. His movie's super high on me. It's the one and only Doug Benson, everybody, is here. What? It's really him. I've got so many things, questions. I do, too.

Oh, you have a question for me? Yes, I do. Let's start it off. Here we go. I did some research on you, Doug. Oh, good Lord. How can you read in that costume? The first thing I did was I went on iTunes and listened to your podcast, Doug Loves Movies.

And then I went back and listened to an Adam Carolla podcast with you that was so old you guys mentioned MySpace. And the thing that I want to ask you is one time Adam said one time Adam said that he thinks all the Cheech and Chong movies suck now the way I look at it is the first one up in smoke in 78 walk us through all of them the other ones weren't that good you know everyone in this audience is waiting to get up

and tell a joke they are just putting up with your bullshit I'll never get the chance to talk to you again just because you're a genuine superhero. You'll get a chance to talk to me again. Are you kidding me? We're going to do the Rogan Show together. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Doug. Can you see what I'm doing with my head? Doug. You can see through that thing? Doug, I have an idea for a movie for me and you. Oh. Because first you had Super High Me. This one could be called Super Hero Me,

and you spend 30 days with me. We go to nightclubs, we go to the mall, we go eat, we do everything, we smoke down. Do you like it? You know, I'm too high to say no to that idea. So I think we should talk about it at another time. We should, we should. There's about 10 minutes each day.

There's a 10-minute window where I'm not high. And then I'll give you the no during that period of time. Because that does sound pretty sweet. I actually have a movie coming out hopefully in the next year or so called Chronicon. And that's where I went to Comic-Con in San Diego and tried to get superheroes to smoke with me. And many of them are straight edge. They're not like you, willing to smoke down,

as you say. Yeah. And so it's a fun little documentary that will be out soon. Great, great. Someday. Sorry, you know,

it's too late for you to be a part of it. Yeah, but we could do other things together. You would have been perfect. All right, well, your plans scare me and I don't know what to uh how to respond

to it why not um just bring all the parts to the costume in your car and drive here and then get into it here then you don't have to take the bus well i mean i could do that but it's just it's really easy especially now because the traffic isn't bad at all now that the summer's over but But I just get on the bus, and once I get off, I'm ready to go. You don't have to go through all the bullshit. Okay, you're telling me you don't have a car. No, I have a car. I have a Nissan Versa, a brand new one, 2012. Or just get a car with a sunroof and just lay yourself in there horizontally,

just sticking your head up out of the sunroof and working the gas and the steering wheel. I think you could do that. Be an amazing visual. That would be great. But anyway, you're awesome. Thank you. I knew you liked superhero movies. I knew you would appreciate me, Doug. Would you be interested in

seeing Doug's feet? If he wants to show me again. Again? Oh, again. Wait a second. I usually like the lady' feet, but he's a celebrity. I'll check his out. Jesus Christ. I don't need your fucking comedy patriot foot. You know one of the favorite scenes that I saw feet in that I loved was Bridget Fonda and Jackie Brown.

Did you ever see that scene? Oh, she is hot in that. She's got augmented breasts in that, and she is hot, and then she gets shot in a parking lot. It's awesome. Oh, man. Yeah, I agree with you on that.

Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, no thank you. No, no, weird long mom toes. Her toes could wrap around your neck and strangle you. Did you know that? Yeah, man. She's got nasty toes. Doug, do you like feet? Huh?

You have a foot fetish thing, too, don't you? No, no, no. He's mentioning Tarantino, who I've noticed has a foot fetish that I don't appreciate. Because he introduces most characters with their feet or their shoes. I love Tarantino, but come on, man. I agree with the foot thing. That's one thing I could deal with less of. I don't need to

see the POV shot from the trunk anymore, either. We get it. Something's in the trunk. Are they ever going to make the movie that tells us what's in the briefcase? What's the gold glittery thing? No, it's just fucking with you for all time. Is it the Raiders of the Lost Ark

statue? Yeah, that's what it is, Brian. Is that thing hanging there? All this stuff, is it always here? No. For Kill Tony, it's got a very Asian... Yeah, it's a different set. Chinese restaurant vibe tonight. Exactly.

So hopefully some of you will have jokes about that. I'm excited to do this. I noticed that some of the best guests that come on are always the people that I noticed that love comedy the most. You know what I mean? Yeah, you bring comedians on that don't like comedy. That's just going to be a lot of bitter acrimony. Right.

But this is going to be happy acrimony. You're a guy who likes talking, that I've noticed at least from getting to hang out with you a bit, that you like talking shop and you like the whole thing of it. Yeah, why is it called Kill Tony? Just to be a name of a podcast. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because you could have gone with Shop Talk.

Shop Talk with Tony. Shop Talk. Yeah. STWT. Let's do it. No, but Kill Tony's good. Shop Talk. Yeah. S-T-W-T. Let's do it. No, but Kill Tony's good. Shop's a weird word. Kill Tony's good because you think that some of these people are going to be angry at you

that we're judging them? Could be. Okay. Some have. Could be like that. Could be Kill Tony. Like, you try to kill. Could be nothing.

Yeah. It's got two meanings, really. It's like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. It could mean nothing. Yeah, it's got two meanings, really. It's like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. It could mean anything. You can use your imagination. I admire how Comedy Patriot can lay back like that. Like, he's not pushy. He doesn't jump in when he's not being spoken to.

What did I just say? I got a squirt bottle. That was rude. I apologize. You can be rude with me anytime, Doug. It's fine. Oh, man. This is good stuff.

Hell yeah. So what do you say we get it started, shall we? Yeah, let's do that. Everybody gets 60 seconds. They come up, maybe they do new material or old material or whatever. How about Gone in 60 Seconds with Tony Hinchcliffe? That's interesting. I've heard some interesting things.

I'm kind of an idea man. And at 60 seconds you will hear the meow of a cat. But then, that's the angry bear. West Hollywood bear. The angry West Hollywood bear, and that comes out if you go too long over that. Now, it used to be like 10 seconds, and then I noticed after a few weeks,

it became like five seconds, and then I've noticed lately that Brian just loves throwing this bear out right afterwards. It's a good sound. Yeah, and also, seriously, it's 60 seconds. Just quit after 60 seconds. Why is anybody going long? That's not how you establish yourself in this business, by running the light.

It's when people start to go, oh, this guy better. You know, if you're really hilarious, you'd probably get away with anything. But, you know, if you're struggling, you don't want to be that guy. Exactly. You don't want to be that guy. Exactly. You don't want to be Light Runner. Exactly. Oh, yeah. What's that?

I don't even know. He's just playing a song now. Sexy. Mary Jane. That happens if you kill for the entire minute and then run the light for... What if there was somebody that just did like two hours? Some mellow jams? Come on.

If you kill? What if there was just a prodigy that we just all sat here and watched for two hours? Just let him go. Could happen. Who knows? Yeah, Eddie Murphy started here. So let's get it started. We have tons of comedians.

He didn't start here. No, he was East Coast. But he did work out raw. Oh, he did shows here, sure, sure. Alright, your first comedian tonight's name is Brian Moreno. Here he comes from deep in the gullet. It's Brian Moreno. What's happening, everybody?

So I'm dating this girl right now, and we've been in a relationship for a long time. We've kind of gotten in the groove where we get along best and have the most fun when she's asleep. She's quiet, and she's usually not crying. Like, thank God for that. And the complaints are so much less. It's like I tell her all the time, like, sweetie, I love you, girl. And I will marry you tomorrow if

you develop narcolepsy but the thing is I've had a lot of unsuccessful relationships like I used to date this girl beautiful absolutely gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous but just from the side you know from the front you're like goddamn she'll always be like baby when we make love why don't you look me in the eyes I'm like girl I girl, I do. I totally do. Just one at a time. Alright, guys. Brian Moreno. There you go. PM. Clocking in at 52 seconds.

Brian Moreno. Talking about now, was the girlfriend's... I was a little confused at the beginning part. Was the girlfriend sleeping or is she not sleeping? No, we have the most fun when she's asleep I think I rushed that a little bit Yeah, she's not talking

She's not doing any of those But she's also not having sex with you when she's asleep Or maybe that's where the joke should go Is that she's a very heavy sleeper So that's when we have our best times Because she doesn't say anything and the sex is incredible. Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

But that might also... My overall note to you is just like it just seemed like women, women, women. It just seemed like angry at women too much. Are you in a happy relationship in real life? It depends. Okay, well, so if that's honest. If you're honestly talking about your girlfriend, that's one thing. thing and one minute maybe wasn't representative but it just felt to me like

you lost all the women in the crowd immediately with just kind of like yeah women they should just fucking go to sleep which i agree with but that's not the point of this exercise the point of this exercise is to uh you know make it stronger for uh general audiences general audiences because that's what you have to do. Unfortunately, you don't get to perform for fans right out of the gate. Once they already like you, you can get away with anything. Why are you staring at me? Because I thought I was supposed to turn to you and get your thoughts

as well. Isn't this like American Idol? It's not really like American Idol. It's different because you're right. That show had three panelists in some sort of talent competition. Right. And this is way different. No, it is because we try to help them.

And we drink vodka instead of Cokes. According to the layout of the show, he gets to take whatever we give him. They don't get that on... They take it. Yeah. What do you mean they take it? They take it.

They're like, you should sing more up-tempo numbers or wear a shorter skirt. And then the next week they do. Yeah, you're right. I agree with what you said. I agree with what you said. I think that could be part of the show

is that he could take those notes and come back and kind of do the same material again next week but fixed or better or whatever. Punched up. I like that tag and I could work something in about dating a girl who's in a coma.

I don't think I could do it but we could probably have some really good times. Something about a girl in a coma. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Workshopping, but yeah. She doesn't eat too much, you know. It's all intravenously.

Et cetera. Yeah, I think you're on your way, BM. That's what I call you. Thank you, guys. Thank you. There he goes, Brian Moreno. That's at BrianMoreno21 on Twitter Thank you There he goes Brian Moreno That's at BrianMoreno21 On Twitter For you listeners

If you have any tags Or anything crazy You want to tweet That'd be great Tweet him some stuff To say But don't tweet him Shit you've heard somewhere

Like make sure It's original Right That's at BrianMoreno21 Your next comedian's name Is Luke Schwartz Hey everybody Hey Doug Luke Schwartz.

Hey, everybody. Hey, Doug. How's it going? Do you ever, like, know just instinctively that you'll be bad at something? Like, the other day, I was in the shower, and I bumped my elbow, like, not that hard, but I still went like, ow, you know? And I'm just fucked in the zombie apocalypse. Like, that is not going to go well for me. My friend is really excited for it, actually.

He said, like, I can't wait for the apocalypse. It's just going to be like camping, but we're going to kill the undead. Like, that's what it's going to be like. That's not what it's going to be like. I've seen those movies that just, I don't want to do any of that that looks exhausting that's like terrible to do um this is going great i also the apocalypse could happen like we're running out of like space to live we're running out of food we're running out of like drinking water it's

crazy like we're gonna in like years're going to have to tell kids, look, I know you haven't had a drink in four days, but long showers were just amazing. I just sit there. Oh, jeez. They're really one on top of the other. Why not just have one and they have to shut up? See what I'm talking about?

I thought I did shut up. No, no, you did it perfectly. In my head, the cat shouldn't be by himself. He wants to hang out with the bear. Yeah. Wow. You have a whole world going on over there, huh? You got a little zoo.

Sorry about that. What were you talking about, Luke? It was... That's also a great idea. Let's get Stone first and then tell people what we think of him. It's like a memory test. What were you talking about, Luke? It was... That's also a great idea. Let's get stoned first and then tell people what we think of. It's like a memory test. What did he even say? But you know what?

You know, the better stuff is going to stand out. And I think that you were, like, super premise heavy. Like, I thought that you had ideas, but not incredibly strong punchlines. And this is going great. Like, it gets a little laughter, like everyone's kind of relieved that you're pointing that out. But also, try to trudge forward

without having to, without that disclaimer. Unless something specific happens, like if you hear somebody yawning, then by all means, mention that. But when they're not laughing, it's kind of hard. You already know what I'm talking about.

How many sets have you done in your life? I've been doing it three years. There you go. You already know that when you're not getting laughs, that it's better to not point it out. Right? Sometimes I get away with it, and sometimes I... Yeah, well, sometimes it'll turn the tide,

but when you only have a minute and a bear is approaching... I understand the impulse to say this is not going great, but on Star Search, which I did a million years ago, we only had two minutes, and nobody ever says, oh, this isn't going well out loud. You just kind of have to pretend that it's going well sometimes. Your zombie apocalypse thing, too. I get it, what you were trying to say,

like you hurt yourself in the shower. You're like, oh, you know, when the zombie. The connection there is not really as clear. It's not like, because in a zombie apocalypse, you're just like, I don't know. He just gets hurt easily fighting zombies. I know, but I could understand if it was like football

or something like that, but zombie apocalypse seems so odd to say. What were you trying to... What's the point of it? What were you doing? Also, Iron Patriot, don't wave your arm around when the guest is announced because they always have to dodge it. They always, like, the first thing they have to

do, which does not normally happen in comedy clubs. You don't normally have to run from a plastic arm as you're approaching the stage. I mean, it's weird enough that you're just standing there the whole time. That never happens in comedy clubs I mean not in the

What? On American Idol you don't see me either That's true Let's go through all the places we don't see you Disneyland The Empire State Building I think the Patriot works next to the stage because it's like a blatant...

There are distractions at comedy clubs, and there's really not. I mean, other than the ever-approaching... Speaking of distractions, what would happen if you tried to get on a plane in that? Would that work? No, I agree. You couldn't do it, right?

What if he took the faceplate off? You could see his face. I could stand on the plane. Oh, that's why they wouldn't let you on a plane right there. Sorry I brought it up. What were you saying, Tony? This is the stupidest question I've ever asked. And by ever, I mean, you know,

in the last couple hours. What were you saying? I forget. Yeah, I would say just tag it up if you're going to keep that story. You know, like Doug said, there's not really... It's heavy on the premise, but it's not really any joke. Yeah, you know, just...

So just make it funnier in general. Yeah, oh, that is a great idea. Could it be funnier next time? What are you saying in it? Add any jokes and then it's... Yeah, once you get those jokes in there, you're home free. It's ridiculous how people respond to jokes as opposed to just worries about apocalypses.

But no, no. I think you've got the talking and the premise parts of it down. I just think you need punchlines that, like, say, a Brian Redband could understand. Because he thinks you should change it to football instead of the zombie apocalypse. No, no. Instead of something little perving me. You should be doing something more dangerous to equate. But I don't do anything dangerous.

I appreciate your comedic exaggeration, whereas Brian likes more of a realistic approach. I'll meet somewhere in the middle, maybe. That sounds great. We'll see you there. Bye. There he goes, Luke Schwartz. He did not leave a Twitter handle. No, he doesn't.

Do you even have a Twitter, dude? Get a fucking Twitter. That's how you learn how to write jokes. Write a joke on there, nobody retweets it. Maybe it was terrible and about the zombie apocalypse. Your next comedian actually is an employee here. I know him. His name is Josh

Martin, everybody. Happy birthday, Josh. Thanks. I want to make it in life, guys. I really want to make it. I want to be famous. I want to be rich. That's what I want in life. There's only one thing I want more than that, though,

is I want to be a man. Like, I'm not a man right now. I'll know the day I become a man is when my marshmallow to cereal ratio changes. Because there's way too many marshmallows in my cereal. It's like all marshmallows. Because I just

eat a bag of marshmallows for breakfast. That's all I do. I don't even eat cereal. That's all. Oh, fuck yeah that's solid wow powerful Josh Martin

at Josh Martin comic holy moly that was great that was really fun yeah my mind was going with the

you know marshmallows and the cereal because I was imagining I was thinking about you know being a youth

and like with Lucky Charms or Count Chocula like liking the marshmallows so much more that if the if a bowl had the I was thinking about being a youth and with Lucky Charms or Count Chocula, liking the marshmallows so much more that if a bowl had too many of the, just whatever you call that other stuff, the grains, if it had too much of that, I'd be bummed out by it. And so I thought that's kind of where it was going, but then the fucking, no, I just eat marshmallows.

And maybe that's it. Maybe like, say, when I was a kid, I grew up at a campfire. You know, like your childhood home was a campfire or something. Marshmallow joke. Right. Nobody? Okay. See, like, even the experts can't agree.

You could also go with some kind of, like, looking forward type of thing on it that, like, you know you're fearing the day when you pour cereal on top of your bowl of marshmallows or something like that you know like as a condiment yeah maybe an old person cereal that like we get you regular because you're too clogged up on marshmallows yeah like I picture

like you know how some people might put marshmallows well maybe marshmallows isn't a good one like I don't feel like people don't independently put marshmallows in cereal but like marshmallows isn't a good one. I don't feel like people don't independently put marshmallows in cereal, but they do put some shit on cereal. Strawberries. Bananas.

I think it just paints a funny picture sprinkling Cheerios on a bowl of marshmallows. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe that might have been

perfect enough that we don't need to help it. Yeah, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's so great. Is he like that solid week after week? No, definitely not.

I've known Josh. Definitely not. I've made the big mistake to do the same joke two weeks in a row, and they killed me. Did you do the same joke? Well, it is called Kill Tony, but did you change it at all? I did change it, but they still... They didn't recognize the change or appreciate it?

Well, we haven't heard the change. Did you change it for the second one? Yes, I did change the wording. Why would you do the same joke twice? You're a dumbass. Could you run that joke by me both times right now? I don't remember. You don't remember?

That's another tip I'm going to give you as another pot smoker. Remember your material. It really helps. Oh, I thought I smoked with him outside. He was just standing around. You know what? So maybe that's another note to you. Don't inhale near me.

Because then you might remember a joke you told twice on this show and now you can't remember it once. I remember now. It was about dick pills. Dick pills? Yeah. And what was the change? It was a change in the wording of the setup. I don't remember the old way.

So it wasn't enough for them to notice a difference. That's the key is you want to at least come back and let them notice the difference. You don't even remember what the change was. I don't remember you know what but maybe you could tie the two pieces together by saying i wish they made dick pills and marshmallow flavor and then you oh that did get a laugh but it got a oh but that's you know that's part of the thing is starting starting to figure out ways to like do callbacks and build build jokes on top of each other

and segues and all that, which you can't do in a minute. But I like that. Tony's drawing the next name already. I love it. No, I think that's the best bit. I've known Josh, actually, a long time ago. Oh, you used to babysit him?

I helped him get a job here. What was that, like a year or two ago? About a year and a half ago, two years. Yeah, and I liked him when I first met him, so I helped him get a job here, and that's definitely the best bit I've ever seen you write or perform. Yeah. Congratulations to you, Josh.

Reaching a new high. I think you actually made me laugh. Yeah. His Twitter handle is at JoshMartinComic if you have any ideas on what you might do. Let me real quick, just a thing with the Iron Patriot comedy Patriot. Can you

put your hand up on your forehead like a salute? Can you reach that? God damn, you're like a bodybuilder. You're like the rock. He can't scratch his own forehead. That's all the steroids I've been doing. If he could do that, I thought that'd be a fun way to, whenever he likes a set, give them the salute. Can you try it again?

Can you do a thumbs up? I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Can you do a thumbs up like I just asked? I can do this. There you go. Do that.

Okay. Only the ones you like. And you can be as harsh about it as you want. I will. I will. Remember picking out the marshmallows, though? And then the first couple bowls of the box would have so much marshmallows in your bowl,

then that last bowl, there was one or two marshmallows. Yeah, the grainy ones, they would sink to the bottom. Yeah. It was a bummer. I like the Lucky Charms. Me too. Your next comedian's name is Jem, everybody. It's Jem.

G-E-M. It's Jem. GEM. Hi. My name is Jem. That's G-E-M. I recently was evicted. Got me thinking about when I was living in England. That's where I had the longest permanent residence of 48 months. Mostly because even in England, they don't evict you from prison.

I've been watching a lot of the orange and black recently, also known as the Los Angeles bus system. Yeah. I haven't been growing up because I've been dealing with the eviction for the last two weeks, so I'm a little rusty at this. I mean, not rusty like if I penetrate you, I'm going to give you tetanus. Chlamydia, yes, but just because the antibiotics didn't take. you, I'm going to give you tetanus. Chlamydia, yes, but just because the antibiotics didn't take. So what I'm saying I want to get over is 248-952-7290 is my number if you need some medical

cannabis. Please feel free to call me. 248-952-7290. That's G-E-M. Thank you very much. So you never intended to do stand-up comedy. You just faked it until you got to the phone number to call for cannabis.

I'm calling for a band. A West Hollywood band. Because now you have to make me fucking edit out a fucking phone number and make me do work. Oh, poor Brian. Is that a real phone number? Thanks a lot, dick.

Wow, this has turned ugly. So you keep standing there like you're looking confused. What did you just do? Did you attempt some jokes? You attempted some jokes and then put in a phone number for a place you actually work for. No, no, that's my number. Oh, that seems like a great idea. Your home number?

Well, I only have a phone. I mean, I don't have a home, so I got evicted. So I don't really know. I want to sell some weed so I can get a new place to motherfucking live. You know what I'm saying? You hear what I'm saying? I mean, you know. Now I'm getting it.

Okay, cool. Jesus, don't yell at me. I did like your movie, though, Super High Me. Security, comedy, patriot. Patri mean, you know, now I'm getting it. Okay, cool. Don't yell at me. I did like your movie though. Super high security, comedy, Patriot, Patriot, Patriot.

It was much, it was much, it was much better than that guy that, uh, took your, uh, idea and did that super, uh, size me thing that got Morgan Spurlock who stole your idea.

It was much better than that. That's a fun twist you put on that. But seriously, if, if someone calls you at that number and they can buy some weed, you'll sell them weed, but you're not a dispensary. Why am I not? Of course I'm a dispensary. You are?

Yeah, anybody that needs weed, I'll dispense it to them. This guy really got into his stride during the back and forth portion as opposed to the actual stand up. What if somebody that listens to this, because people around the world listen to this. I will ship it anywhere in the United States. Ship it out right there. I mean, how are they going to catch me? I don't have anywhere to live, so I'm just roaming the streets.

Do you want to be a stand-up comedian? Huh? I mean, all they would have to do if they didn't. What do you mean? I'm standing up here. I'm making you laugh even. Come on. You're laughing out there.

I'm kind of laughing. Why are you saying that? Why are you saying that? Why are you saying that, though? Really? I'm just saying. You did either one of those three jokes? I did do three jokes.

You did. You did. Let's let the Patriot handle this. Doug, a little back story on this guy. He went to jail for two years for selling Molly over in Europe. 35 months, actually. See, I thought there was some truth to that story, and that's why the first thing I asked you is,

what the fuck just happened? Because I don't know what's real and what isn't. You guys have seen him before? Yes, many times. Fifth time. I don't know if it's many times. I think it would have been twice. Fifth.

Three or four? Fifth time. He says five times, Tony. Jesus Christ. Jim, we got to take a break with you, buddy. I didn't know that was happening. I don't think anybody's ever gotten on five times. It can't be the same person week after week after week.

I've been skipping weeks. I've been skipping weeks, though. You don't use this show as a commercial, man. You don't give your phone number out because I have to edit it out. Yeah, real bummer. I mean, there's like responsibilities. Or because he might leave it in. You'll get some fucked up calls if he leaves it in.

Well, yeah, half of me wants to just leave it in. He's saying leave it in because he knows it might be somebody who wants to buy some. Yeah, I got some weed. It doesn't sound terribly legit. It doesn't sound like you're doing it on the phone. If you want to buy some weed, that's what I'm saying. I'm just getting through to that.

That's still not legal in California. I know. Whatever. Doing it that way. You've got to start a dispensary. Thanks for wasting my time. Thank you, Jim. Selling pot, obviously. Really hot stock right now to get in the pot selling market.

It just reminds me of that expression that I now think is absolutely true. They can't all be gems. It's what people say. That's a standard line when a joke doesn't work. Oh, I know this lovely lady. I do believe this is her first time

performing here. Her name is Courtney Mollet, everyone. Hello. So I notice a lot of people in this town are flakes. It's like all my friends keep telling me that they're going to kill themselves and then they don't. So it's just like how am I supposed to trust them after that, you know? Also, I'm from, like, a really, really small town where pretty much everyone is related. So it just makes me wonder, like, is it still incest if it's your sixth cousin in a row?

You know? I guess after, like, the fourth and and fifth you just kind of stop counting you know go crazy also my boyfriend just dumped me while I was in the shower

I think to avoid an argument so I got out anyways I was like I've had it up to here with you I would say here but I forgot to shave

so use your imagination thank you you got a little mean at the end there I would say here, but I forgot to shave. So use your imagination. Thank you. You got a little mean at the end there. A little bit mean with giving the bird to the boyfriend. Yeah, also how nasty does it get when you forget to shave? It's not that bad. Yeah, I wouldn't think so.

How often do you shave? Just out of curiosity. Actually, I never shave. I don't even really get hair there. Oh, there you go. See, there you go. I knew there was a reason I asked. But, yeah, you know, I don't think that last joke worked, but the earlier ones. Totally.

Totally worked. It's, you know, it's an audience of people that are waiting up to get to come up and tell their jokes. So, like, it's, you know, there were laughs at all is probably pretty encouraging right very much so what was that first one about again uh the my friends being flakes because they won't kill themselves right i would say that's such a good uh premise to keep thinking of other ways other than suicide like if you can think about it i don't know, like other things people say that they're going to do or even more on the suicide thing. I'm not exactly sure.

Sometimes I can think of these things on this. It might have been, you know, suicide might have been a little heavy out of the gate, too, you know. Right. You never know. Easier setup. You never know if that joke would work better. A couple of jokes in. But again, this is a specific format that you'll never have to recreate

in your entire career. There's never anywhere where you just do a one minute set. So it's a special. Right. And just a chance to, uh, to workshop it. Did you, were you happy with it? Um, well, I mean, I usually like to breathe a little bit more in between jokes, but that was, yeah.

Right. Like a minute, you feel like you got to rush to get it all in. So that's another thing. But instead of breathing, maybe just say something in between the jokes that you just sort of say spontaneously. I don't know how spontaneous you want to be as a performer or how planned out. But like we learned earlier tonight,

this isn't going great is always a hilarious thing to say between jokes. I'm just kidding. I, you know, I like those first few jokes. Yeah, totally. I just didn't buy the armpit thing. Right, right. Totally, totally. No body hair.

Right. That's not necessarily true. There's no rules. Just the armpits. Yeah, yeah. I'm not necessarily true. There's no rules. Just the armpits. I'm a normal person. Also, maybe it was because what you're wearing when you raised your hand up, the audience didn't go,

because they would have seen armpit hair if you had a lot of it, right? Yeah, maybe I should make armpit hair. No, wear sleeves. Wear sleeves. Yeah, you're learning the wrong lesson. No, but that was good. I like her.

You're friends with her, Tony? How do you know her? She, uh... Here's a past ding-donger on the Ding Dong Show. She used to be a ding-donger? What, is she not crazy enough to stay a ding-donger? Is that what happened? Wow, this girl's kind of normal. Get her the fuck out of here. She doesn't even need to shave her pits.

We don't need that. That's hilarious. We need some hairy pit weirdos who like to drop dogs. She's at Courtney Mollet on Twitter with a K. K-O-R-T-N-E-Y-M-O-L-L-E. She's very funny. Your next comedian is Norman Townes. Alright.

This happened to me the other day too. So don't try to give me advice and try to encourage me when you need advice and encouragement too. There was this guy that I was talking to. He was like, hey, listen here, man. You can do anything you want to do in this life. Like anything you want to do, all you have to do is shoot for the stars.

Just shoot for the stars. He's like, all right, hold on one second, please. Everybody, hands and feet inside the ride at all times, please. And pull over the top for emergency exit. But like I was saying, just shoot for the stars and in my mind I'm like okay so like what do you do like why are you here he's like sometimes when you shoot for the stars

the gun gets jammed and you really don't go where you're supposed to go and I was like alright I guess that's how it's supposed to go but nah that's funny sometimes the gun gets jammed is that it? no no no

I just didn't hear any bears or anything so I wasn't sure because we wouldn't normally jump in and start talking while they're still doing their time but I would say you know like like tony responded to the uh shoot for the stars gun is jam part so maybe the the whole thing about it

turns out he's a guy working in an amusement park that that seems maybe a little a little bit convoluted and also reminding me of maria bamford's joke where the where the uh girl from high school is really being really condescending about her comedy and then it ends with debit or credit. It turns out that she's at the Kmart or whatever. Yeah, but the shoot for the stars and the gun jam

to me that's the part that you should figure out a way to build on. Okay. Yeah, because that's a good line. It's just also weird that the guy, I mean, maybe that's a joke is how weird it is that a guy operating a ride is that philosophical and really really telling why is he telling you about his you're you're like you you just met him you're just getting on the ride like how does he even why is he even telling you all that shit and then another funny thing is what on top of that is he's so philosophical and he's

working there and that's his big explanation about his life with that speech impediment that you're giving that character. For a guy who sounds like that, which I don't think you even mention. You just say that you do it. I mean, you just go right into it. But the fact that his thing is, however you say, shoot for the stars or whatever, however he said it. There's something funny in the fact that, I mean, that that's his philosophy on life. So that's his endgame, and he can't even say it properly, you know?

Yeah, yeah. It's hard to give people advice when you have a speech impediment. Yeah. And it was a wooden roller coaster the whole time. It wasn't even one of the new ones. Wait, what? Oh, double burn. Double, O'Brien. Double burn. rollercoaster the whole time. It wasn't even one of the new ones. What? Oh, double burn. Double O'Brien.

Double burn. Not only is it an amusement park, it's also a wooden coaster. That's at Norman Towns on Twitter. Norman Towns. Thank you, Norman. Heck yeah, buddy. Interesting. Shecky Green, everybody. Shecky Green everybody Shecky Green this is a new one

haven't seen Shecky Green uh oh you know what happens if a comedian doesn't show up they get blacklisted what the what holy crap What the? What? Holy crap. We really got this thing worked out. That was...

That's the best reaction ever. He knocked over your whole class. That's all it is, is he makes a bunch of sounds and the person doesn't get to do the show again. That was intense blacklisting. I thought you had like a clipboard and a piece of paper and you'd cross his name out, but fucking Comedy Patriot just shot that guy down.

I mean, that is the name of a famous comedian, Shecky Green, so we should have seen that coming. There's somebody playing around. Oh, how dare they. Comedians with their sense of humor. I bet that guy's one of the funniest ones. Or it was the real Shecky Green

like changed his mind when he saw what was really happening. He wanted to reach out to the young people with one minute of new humor and then saw what happened to everybody else. I know this guy. This guy's a funny comedian out of Boston.

I do believe he's done the show before. His name is Matt Devlin, everybody. Sorry if I was a pain in the dick earlier, Tony, about getting on him. Anxious. All right, you can start your timer. They already did. If Bill Hicks killed Billy Ray Cyrus

when he wanted to, I'd have had nothing to jerk off to this morning. Except for the Yosemite fire. Which I've been jerking off to since I started it. That's the last time I ever get to tell that joke. Thank you very much. Yeah, I don't even know if it's worth it to give notes on such dated material or material that's going to die soon. But that's good stuff.

Yeah. And I also liked hearing you say the word started because it reminded me that you're from Boston, the way you said it. But two funny jokes. Yeah, definitely. That's interesting. Topical. Fun. I mean, it's not really that topical though I mean you can always replace a tragedy

with that type of the way that you say those things that works for you you know and you believe in it that's why you're saying it so you can always just slide in the new thing I mean that happened today yeah just say it about some new things like when other things happen go up and say something about that. And do a new

forest fire. That's Tony's advice. Well, there's always something terrible happening. Yeah, yeah. Just put a new terrible thing in there. Hey, Miley Cyrus, avalanche in Norway. Well, the way he says it, I believe that I can almost picture him jerking

off to something evil. I see what you mean. The jerking off part. I get you now. Now, that does make sense. That you could jerk off to any horrible event. Let's keep our fingers crossed that something happened. I'm sure it will, Doug. I'm sure it will. Can you imagine, like, oh, Sandy Hook.

You know, that kind of thing. That was a beauty. Alright. I got that one on TiVo. Man, so you're ready to go super dark. Totally. You're not afraid. Straight up.

All right, dude. Thank you for your time. Good luck with that. Good job. Fuck yeah, that's great. Unbelievable, right? Yeah. You're so good.

I thought I was going to offend everyone when I said that. He just ran with it. Oh, yeah. Got some laughs. Trace Stewart. Woo! Oh. Audience favorite.

Oh, he's here. Hey, guys. It's good to be here. I'm happy, if you couldn't tell, because I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow. And finally found somebody comfortable with touching my hair. Last guy I went to was terrible. He didn't know what he was doing. I should have knew he didn't know

what he was doing from the first thing he said. I sat in his chair and was like, yeah, yeah, I got you. But before I cut you, there's something that you need to know. Sometimes niggas make mistakes. It's like, you know what?

You're right, because I almost made one. Let me out the back of this van, because I did not think this one through. Thank you, guys. I've been Troy Stewart. A couple good twists there at the end. Appropriate use of the N-word. Yeah. Nailed it.

It wasn't offensive in any way. It's just how somebody spoke that wasn't him. Only used 35 seconds. Yeah, it was quick. We just wanted to try that one joke. Maybe figure out some ways to shave the setup a little bit because it was

mostly setup. You know? Yeah. Say the N-word more. Really? No. Yeah, well, maybe not say more, but like maybe more of that, you know,

the way that guy talks or something before you get out of the van. But haircut in the back of a van, I like that. Oh, thank you. There's nothing really to complain about. Right. You just need about 70 more of those, and then you'll have an act.

Thank you, thank you. It's not 70 more, but you know what I mean. I love the backwards hat, the charisma. Well, now we're getting into it. I haven't been critiquing people Based on appearance really No I just I just love The kind of

The hat kind of like To me covered up The I was like Oh you know When you brought up your hair I was like Oh

So he's getting a cut tomorrow So does it look terrible Under there right now It's a mess Yeah yeah But what You know Maybe the joke's funnier

If you come out with that Messed up hair And the first thing you say is You know I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. I don't know. I don't really like those kind of visual jokes as a general rule, but sometimes they're fun. Can you show us what it looks like under there?

Or you could say... Let's see it. It's terrible. That's the worst haircut I've ever seen. No, I know how that is, though. I'm in desperate need of a cut right now, so I hear you. There you go.

If there's any barbers around... No, I mean, it's just your own personal... You know what I mean? Trace Stewart, everyone. Just because you think your hair looks terrible, other people might just be like, it's fine, dude, don't worry about it. What kind of haircut do you have under there, Patriot? I just got my haircut last week on a film called Vatican Tapes.

I was a priest. So they cut it super short? You know, it was just an extra, of course. Anytime I say it, you know I'm an extra. But yeah, they cut it short, and I was looking pretty good, and I'm happy with it. I saved the money. I didn't have to go to Supercuts and spend like $25. Or $12. I give a $10 tip, tip though i like my hair cutter you probably sweat less than that thing with uh

shorter hair yeah right i got an undersuit specially designed so i don't sweat it's a moisture management cool max spandex some of the girls in the audience tonight want to know what you look like they can go to my facebook page if they want to check out and see what I look like. Oh, yeah? Yeah. All right. So do that. He's not about revealing himself tonight. No. Maybe the bus driver.

What about, do you drink alcohol? Once I leave the house, I don't drink a drop because I don't want to have to go to the bathroom. I make sure and go before I go, and there's no more drinking to be done. Because of the suit. Yeah, I can't go to the bathroom. I don't want any problems happening. You could just have Depends on. I don't wear diapers.

I don't like that shit. I'm acclimated. I already do all that shit when I'm at home during the afternoon. I got this down to a science red band. Hey, what's up, Pauly? Ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit, Pauly Shore is here, everybody. Patriot, Patriot, Patriot. Take it easy.

Yeah, don't try to throw him out. This is his castle. Yeah. You asshole. Where are we supposed to watch? You can cruise through in there. Oh, awesome. Hi, Sandy Danto.

Put your hands together for Pauly Shore and Sandy Danto, everybody. Celebrity guests. Dude, where are we supposed to go? Oh, shit. That's so great. Fuck yeah. If you guys have any opinions about any of these acts,

please let us know. It's a Twitter address. They've got one minute to try their stuff out on us. He didn't have one. Fuck yeah. Here we go. Comedians do 60 seconds, and then we try to tag their stuff

or talk with them about it, see what's going on. Oh, this guy. Jesus Christ. Uh-oh. Put your hands together for Tommy Lee, everyone. Somehow he gets on every fucking week. Yeah, what the fuck?

So, um, my dad doesn't really approve of me doing comedy at all. He's a tough guy to please. Like, he went to Princeton, then he got his master's from Columbia, got his PhD from Stanford, which means he's a dick. That's what that means, really. Like, you know how hard it is to get approval from someone with three Ivy League degrees? Like, telling my dad I didn't get into Princeton was like coming out of the closet in a conservative Christian family. You know, which is the amount of shame I felt.

It's like, Dad, I'm sorry. Didn't get in. You what? Goddammit, I knew you were different from day one. Should have been hanging out with your Uncle Tony. Get the fuck out. That's it, guys. That's it. That's it.

All right. Interesting. So it's a joke about how you're disappointing your dad by not going to college. But I get into Princeton. Princeton. Yeah. Very specific. Did you go to college?

Yeah. Where'd you go? University of Miami. Why didn't you go to Princeton? Yeah. Where'd you go? University of Miami. Why didn't you go to Princeton? I didn't get in. Whoa. How do you get into University of Miami? You just have to write party across your forms?

Big letters. No, I just applied. I got in. What'd you major in there? I was a double major in economics and film studies Oh Wow Interesting Alright

I didn't love it I just couldn't relate to it really at all Can I remind you guys what happened with him the last two times? The last two times Remember he was talking about how creepy he was And you guys were discouraging him from that and then he had a shirt that wasn't very good ironed. I think that looks better. I think he's making some progress this week.

You know, of course the Iron Man is concerned about iron shirts. Alright. Yeah, I iron all my shit at home. Alright, don't move like that ever again. It sounded like you were talking to a psychiatrist or something at some point. You were just really almost doing a narration of your life. Again, there was a lot of setup that wasn't tagged.

It was more like story-based, the first. And hard to relate to. A lot of us don't have problems with our parents because of not getting into Harvard. I'd imagine every single one of us don't have problems with our parents because of not getting into Harvard. I'd imagine every single one of us. So that's kind of like... You either have to figure out a way to make that more accessible or try something else. But congratulations on Comedy Patriot liking your shirt.

Yeah. I guess I was just trying to play with the high expectations thing, but I guess I'm not really sure how to do that No you're It's not like what you just did was awful Like just keep going at it It's just for some reason that didn't land Okay cool man

And also he's on too much You were like When you pulled his name out you were like Jesus How did he get on again How many times have you gotten on? Like four or five times? Yeah, so maybe come back in... How many weeks? When can he come back? Like two weeks? Three?

Yeah, I think Tommy and Jem... You gotta come up with rules about that stuff. Tommy and Jem have to both take a couple weeks. Is he the same guy that the first two times he went on stage, you didn't pay attention to him because he bored you so much? I purposefully paid extra hard attention. I was able to stay in the pocket on this one for nothing. I mean, I you didn't pay attention to them because you bored you so much? I purposefully paid extra hard attention. I was able to stay in the pocket on this one for

nothing. I mean, I really didn't end up... It was not rewarding, but... I wish I would have daydreamed at that one as well. I love that you have to schedule daydreaming time during these one-minute segments. Thank you so much. This place is amazing. Right. It is. You spill a drink and two minutes later, you got a new drink.

I just can't wait until you're just a couple sips in and somebody else gets blacklisted and just, oh my God. I don't think I'll be

surprised by it again the next time. Bobby Lee, everybody. Hey, Bobby. Wow. Kill Tony regular. Bobby Lee, walking out the door,

everybody. In and out, Bobby Lee. Your next comedian's name is Scott K door, everybody. In and out, Bobby Lee. Your next comedian's name is Scott Kidd, everyone. I'm almost disappointed that... How's it going, everybody? Hey,

Iron Patriot, you said you drive a Nissan Versa? Yes Is it blue? White Oh damn I thought maybe he was the one with the amber alert I wasn't sure Oh man

You should be ready for when they might not say the exact response you were hoping for Yeah Oh well But I'm sorry to take up your time No problem Alright so I work in a casino with a lot of Asians response you were hoping for. But I'm sorry to take up your time. No problem. Alright, so I work in a casino with a lot of Asians and I've come across this, you know, this

what is it called? One of those things that you have when you realize something. Realizations. And that's that China doesn't really have to send troops over to take over America. They can just send a bunch of hot Asian women

and we'll do whatever the fuck they want. I mean, they don't need to worry about, or we don't need to worry about dictators as much as we need to worry about dick teases. Wah, wah. Speaking of things made in China. Oh, oh, oh. you brought up the bear.

You went over your time. Slow it down. Everybody relax. The bear is out. I would kind of enjoy a whole set of joke doesn't work. I really would. That's exactly what I was going to say. That's a fun thing to say.

Do. I mean, that could go either way. You could end up, you know, that could be, you could be some, if you really stuck with that as your comedic voice and was just, and you just, I mean, you floated it out there and then just the way you did it, it was like. Maybe also like a ton of. It's like you were conducting an orchestra of wah-wah. And then maybe, maybe you could also be the guy that doesn't remember words like realization.

Yeah, like take 30 seconds. It's like always take a long time trying to think of words. You should pretty much know that word. If it's in your joke you're trying to tell, that's the last time you should be grasping for... I say spend like five minutes trying to figure it out. Brian. Brian's like the, you know, he's the shitty advice guy. Yeah, I'm the shitty advice dude.

He just wants to make that bear sound. That's all he cares about. Do you only have like three play on songs? Is that what's happening? What's that? How many songs do you have to play them on? I can play anything I want. Yeah, play.

Everybody gets a different one. What would you like to hear? Just anything. But it's just fun Everybody gets a different one. What would you like to hear? Just anything. It's just fun to have a different person get a song. And I thought the banjo music when the black guy was coming up seemed racist to me. Whoa. But then it turned out it was Price is Right. I didn't realize there was banjo in Price is Right.

There's banjo? Can I hear a little bit of that? Yeah, yeah. 70s Price is Right banjo music. Price is Right starts a little racist. No, that's Price is Right. That's Price is Right? Yeah. Oh, maybe Match Game. No, it's... Price is Right? That's Price is Right? Yeah.

Oh, maybe Match Game. No, it was Family Feud. There you go, that. Here comes the black guy! Just didn't seem right. But he's only got a minute, so he didn't say anything about it. Oh, my God. He was cool about it.

So, anyway, you know, what you did was fun. It wasn't necessarily, you know, I'd lose the gum next time you go on stage. Just these simple things, right? Right, Pauly? It's the simple things. But yeah. Okay. Keep doing what you're doing.

Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Wah, wah. Yeah. There you go. Can I leave now? Scott Kidd. No, you have to stay. Keep doing what you're doing. Thanks. There you go. Scott Kidd.

No, you have to stay. Interesting. Oh, here we go. Paulie has something. I mean, all these people, they come up here and they're not connecting with the audience. See how these guys are connecting with the audience.

So the thing that's the most important about comedy is not the jokes at all it's about you guys connecting and you're not connecting you're like staring up

in space like fuck around a little and then go into your material you know let the audience touch you

feel you be connected to them and then fuck do your stuff but don't just go into your shit like you know i mean look that's what's great about david letterman you ever see david letterman he's

fucking around a lot he's having fun he's connecting with people so just try to connect and get out of your head about the material it's not about the material all right who's next yeah if you have that's a good point if you have like one joke that's probably gonna take like 30 seconds of your minute so you can kind, you can ease into it. Yeah, yeah. Good advice. Build on the connection. I love it.

Oh, that's right. I picked one. His name is Kenny Lyon. There he is, Kenny Lyon. That's another option, no music. Hey, Kenny. What's going on, everybody? All right. A little bit too much.

Look what you did. Look what you started. I would have lost it if he spent two minutes connecting with the audience. I just applied that advice immediately. Hit the bear. Hit the bear. Hit the bear. No, I'm kidding. You should try to help them instead.

Paulie has a good point. We should be helping, not hurting. We are. Hey, shut the fuck up. Wait up. It's true. Let me tell the joke. Shut up.

All right. A lot of people talk bad about ruthless people I don't understand why Nobody takes their emotions into consideration I mean Who stole their Ruth? The what? They followed along Ruthless people

We don't appreciate them Because their Ruth They followed along. Ruthless people. We don't appreciate them because their Ruth got stolen. Wait, what is it? Their Ruth got jacked, so they're ruthless. Wait, what? Some comedy is just for me. I'm the only one who gets this guy, so fucking let him finish. Yeah. Oh, my God. That was the saddest who gets this guy so fucking let him finish. Yeah. Oh my god.

That was the saddest fist bump I've ever seen in my life. Thanks for sticking by me, Doug. What else you got? What was that hit? There was the getting to know the audience part and then the ruthless joke.

It's a start. One, two, three, go. You got one more joke you can tell us? Yeah. I bought a ticket to a rave concert, everyone. Worst decision I made, 2013. This guy by the name of David Guetta was on stage.

I don't like his music. Not my kind of shit. I started yelling from the crowd, David, get out of here! So I look forward to lots more pun-oriented material. I'm Guatemala.

From you, man. Fucking love it. Every time you come on, man, I's great. Fucking love it. That's great. Every time you come on, man, I just love you. You're one of my favorite people. Thank you, Redman. Excuse me for Jim's bullshit. What do you work with him?

What do you have to do with Jim? You sharing a landline with him or something? I used to live in his apartment because my mom was tripping too much. Save that minute for next time. That's a good story. You lived with Jim and your mom was tripping. I like it. There he goes, everybody.

Kenny Lyon. We're flying to him. Get out of here. A lovely young lady. I know her. She's been doing this a while. Glad that she's in attendance. Put your hands together for the great Stephanie Simbari, everybody.

Did you see it? Thank you. Thank you for having me, fellas. Pauly Shore, good to see you. All right. Oh, my shoe shoes broke and it's fucked up I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose my ability to be a romantic

cause I've been living in LA and fucking all my friends for too long you know it's not I'm sorry I'm not fucking hooking up with you can't fuck your friends it ruins your friendship but you can let them go down on you, that's totally fine. But sometimes I listen to love songs on the coast, you guys know that?

I listen to it to test just how lonely I actually am. Like how many Adele songs before I just drive my car off the road. Like what? But I hate it because the woman always has that really soft DJ voice where she's like, This is Delilah. This song goes out to Mindy from Chris. He loves you so much.

You're the future mother of his children. You're a real catch, right? And then it's like blurred lines by Robin Thicke or something. But I wish it would get real. I wish she would be like, This song goes out to Mindy from Chris. Thanks for licking his balls and swallowing, even though you guys don't know each other that well.

She closes on the bear. Look, Brian, my shoe was broken. Shit got fucked up. And that's why I gave you one minute and 15 seconds. I earned those 15 seconds. That flew by. I didn't even notice the extra 15 seconds. I've earned those 15 seconds. That flew by. I didn't even notice the extra 15 seconds. Because you're lost in her beauty, right?

Well, not just that, but you're engaging and talking about stuff that I understood and could relate to. Polly has something to say, Brian. I think she's beautiful. I think she's got a great look. I also think that on camera, like, done up. Like, she would look real. No, no, you're hot right now. But I'm just saying, you know, she'd be good on Chelsea Lately.

Yeah, you're hot right now, fresh out of bed. What would you be like if you. I slept until about 4.30 today. No, like on Chelsea Lately doing the panel or something like that. Like, I think she'd be good. So, yeah, I think she's got something. You know what I mean? Totally, totally.

Sandy, what's up? What do you think, Sandy? Any tags or anything to that minute of anything i i wasn't really paying attention you heard that you heard that's the second time i've ever done that joke and you heard it the first time and you were like good premise needs work oh yeah that's what you said i wasn't paying attention then either. This fucking guy. I thought it was, it does need work, but you just have to keep doing it. Yeah.

Yeah, you kind of threw away the blurred lines thing, like it might be better if you just pick a song that's just absolutely inappropriate for what you just set up. Sometimes I like to say Into the Mystic by Van Morrison

because that's my favorite song. That's romantic though, isn't it? A more relevant song. As the second song. Blurred lines work because it's relevant. song. I think you've got to do... That's romantic though, isn't it? A more relevant song. As the second song. Blurred lines work because it's relevant. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Always got to be changing that and do a DJ. You have a deep, sexy DJ voice. You have a face for radio and a voice for radio. So use it. When you do that bit...

When you do that bit... Face for radio is not a compliment. Right. When you do that bit, go into a radio DJ's kind of... Delilah. That's what I mean.

You were quoting her, not doing her. You were just saying what she said. You could get into it. Be a radio DJ. They have a certain way that they speak. You can do that. Just some act outs. Act that shit out, girl.

The part where you're doing Delilah, it seems to be the strongest when you start going dirty with it. So you could really get more into the Delilah part especially. Because everybody catches on. It's something everybody can relate to is Delilah for some weird reason. It's something everybody's heard at some point

because sometimes you're just stuck with the radio. She must be like 110 by now. I feel like she's been on the radio forever. Right. I can't imagine. Yeah, and every city has that kind of station with that where she's super serious and reading those letters that people send.

Like, what the fuck? Somebody sends in a letter to a radio station, like an email, and it's always like, oh, I just want to let so-and-so know I love him. That guy's not fucking listening to love songs on the coast, waiting to hear a mention from his,

you know, just walk across the room and tell him that you love him. Don't make him listen to a whole night of Barry Manilow songs just to get to that. But it's definitely a right premise. It seems like it's something you'd want to do to somebody that you don't like or love. Like throw their name out there. That's a great idea.

Yeah. I'm going to do that. Right. It's called radio. It's so radio. How can you plan on somebody listening to their shout out? It's interesting. Thank you, guys.

Thank you. Good job. You. Thank you guys. Thank you. Good job. You never hear of anybody like awesome doing that. You never hear like a celebrity like, Hey, this goes out to Angelina Jolie. Brad Pitt really wants to know that he loves you. You know,

that would be awesome. Like it's never people that are like making it. So it's sort of sad. Yeah, it is. You know, the shout-outs and stuff. Like, oh, I just want to let you know that I love you. I know we're struggling right now financially, but he just wants to let you know via radio

because it's free and it seems nice. He's going to play probably your second favorite song. He's like, come on, baby. Let's listen to Coast for two more hours. Why do we have to listen to this shit? Don't worry about it, baby. I just really want to listen to it tonight. Something might happen.

Because I love you. And I'll show you how much I love you by the end of the night. Your next comedian's name is Frank Castillo, everyone. I'm afraid to die. Frank Castillo. The people all call her Alaska. His name is Frank Castillo, everyone. Frank Castillo. Hey, guys. How we doing?

Good to see everyone. I had a tough day at work today. Most because I don't take my job very seriously. It was weird because my manager pulled me off the bar, and he was like, hey, I was watching you when you weren't noticing and you do an amazing job. You're really nice. You connect to everyone. What he didn't know was that I was really high.

The worst part about it was that everyone else knew. So he was like, all right, this is what we're going to do. Everyone needs to be more like Frank. So we're going to have you write a list of why you're so awesome, why you're a great employee. Step one was just relax. Step two was just fucking kick it. And he loved it.

He was like, that's a great goals list. All right, that's as far as I got. Well, there you go. I guess that's it. Sorry, I was like mid in the back gonna use the restroom and then like oh yeah when you get surprised it's your turn that can uh yeah that can be frustrating uh

when you ran up here and you know the room's barely big enough to get into a run so I kinda knew something was up and then Brian also like that's the thing that's fun about changing the song every time Is because you have to come up with some fucked up Intro music sometimes

And you just have to deal with it And that was a terrible choice Brian That didn't pump them up at all That was like the most mellow weird thing that you played Stephanie Says by the Velvet Underground Yeah sure People love to come on to that Hey everybody by the Velvet Underground. Yeah, sure. People love to come on to that.

Hey, everybody. So I commend you for just being enthusiastic and getting through your thing. This is a personal thing for me. I always don't like it when somebody that is at your stature talks a lot about having a day job and real work and stuff like that because it just sort of,

like you're up here to entertain everybody. You should just be a comic. But that's my personal thing. A lot of comics have great jokes about their day jobs or whatever. But just for me, that just kind of takes me out of it and just makes me like,

oh, well, he's not really a comic. He's got a job. You know what I mean? But that's just me. So if you can come up with a funny enough take on it, you know, and maybe even, like, set it in the past, like make it the job you had before being a stand-up. So everybody relates to the fact that you had to work,

but you didn't have to do it today because, like, we just paid to see you, man. And you just came from Staples where you had this list of rules about, you know, kicking it. You know what I mean? just came from staples where you had this list of rules about you know kicking it you know what i mean but um and also that like didn't pay off really but it i like the uh the idea of it like everyone should be like you is kind of a fun premise but like maybe you should figure out a way to make it like your boss has no idea that you're high all the time and then but the all the attributes of being high make for a great employee. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Right.

And I'd also be more clear on the back end of that, which, by the way, the first thing, I agree with what Doug says about that. It just sort of feels a little bit icky, even though people do have good jokes about their day job. But you could just flip that to the past tense because, I mean, it's still honest. Yeah, before I started doing comedy, I had this job where I used to work at.

Just be a comedian. Don't be a guy with a job. On the back end of it, I don't know where you're planning to put the punchline that it's missing. I think you lose everybody a little bit when you're talking about the list of the two things. And we don't know whether you're making the list or if they're making the list.

Or it seems almost like the other employees were asked to make a list as to what makes you. It just got very confusing and clunky. Yeah, and it shouldn't just jump right to just fuck off or chill out or whatever. It should be like all the things that somebody with a stone working at a job might be. Be polite. Be friendly. Laugh at their jokes. List all these things that a high person would do all of that without necessarily being a great employee.

That's what you're doing when you're high. Yeah, yeah. I think you could do it. Brian? Mm-hmm. Yeah, there you go. I love it. There he goes, everybody.

That's at Frank C Comedy. Frank C Comedy on Twitter. Later, Pauly. Pau There he goes, everybody. That's at Frank C Comedy. Frank C Comedy on Twitter. Later, Pauly. Pauly's out, everybody. Pauly Shore and Sandy Dancehoard. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yes, what? I almost met you in 2007.

You know the Addison Improv in Dallas? Yes. You were going to get some food and I... Who's doing that? Is that fucking Josh? No, it's nobody we know. He's a fan of podcasts. But anyway, I was playing videos in this place called Go Fish, and the manager told me that you came to the door. You wanted sushi.

We served sushi, but we didn't have a sushi bar, and so you didn't come in. You said you went somewhere else, but my manager told me after it was over, and I said, wait, you didn't come in you said you went somewhere else but my manager told me after it was over and i said wait you didn't come get me because i was i had polly shores dead on video i could have played it while you were eating dinner and had a conversation with you it sucked dude i was in a he insists on having his movie played every time he eats dinner anywhere so you were on track with that just a couple comments about what I witnessed.

You guys should really be, what's the word, thankful that these guys are giving you guys tips. Because back in the day, you didn't get this shit. I'm sitting here listening to you people up here, and I think it's hard to do stand-up. I get it. But to do it in here, but then they give you correct constructive criticism and I think it's really cool that these guys are doing that.

So the more people that can come here and do this, I think it'll help you guys a lot because you're all comics, right? Most of you guys? No? You guys just came in? Yeah. Some people come to watch,

but it's a lot of the audience is the comics. I don't really get that, so it's cool that they're doing that for you guys. Put on Pauly. Yeah, Pauly Shore, everybody. Thanks for coming. And Sandy Danto. At Sandy Danto. At Sandy Danto.

And at, is it Pauly Shore? Pauly M. Shore? I mean, not only are we doing this, but they took four minutes out of their day to watch three comedians. Right. Yeah. Exactly.

It was nice. Yeah. It took longer than four minutes, but you know what I mean. Well. They got things to do. As the clock rolls, we're going to roll into our final segment. This is. Are we taking off our clothes, Doug?

Wait a second. I thought it was just give constructive criticism. No, it is. Our final segment is two young ladies who basically started here about 13, 12, 13 weeks ago, and

have been doing open mics and working the circuit. One of them dropped out of college to chase her dream of being a stand-up. So these two girls each do a minute. So they're the only two regular. So we're just done with the bucket. Fuck the bucket?

Fuck the bucket. There's a lot of names in there. What are you going to do with it? I don't know. I feel bad. I thought we were going to go through everybody. I wish we had that much time. No feel bad. I thought we were going to go through everybody. I wish we had that much time. No, no.

I understand. You guys have your restrictions, but I dig it. But let's do what you do. I love it. Awesome. Well, as always, I've always been excited about this. You know her from the very first Kill Tony when she was the only female in the room. Kill Tony when she was the only female in the room and when

my guest said is there no woman that wants to do this show she ran up on stage and it began there she's here tonight at Sarah Dresses on Twitter but her name is Sarah Mostajabi everyone

I'm Sarah Dresses on Twitter too I was talking to my mom about life this past week and she said Working on my sheet. I'm Sarah Dresses on Titter, too. I was talking to my mom about life this past week, and she said if I wanted answers, I needed to find God. I told her the only man-made thing that ever answers me is Google. I get these uncontrollable urges to be in love. I call them hard-ons. I'm kind of hoping that it'll just beat itself off.

But don't worry. But don't worry. It's pretty easy to get fucked. I have a PayPal account. That's all I have. That's all I have. That's all I have. That's all I have. Did you give her too much buildup, Tony?

Is that what happened? I don't know. No, I've had to write a new minute every... No, you've written a new minute for all seven weeks? Every week since I started doing comedy. Well, that's good. That's, you know, that's... We're raising little baby assassins here.

I'm not sure if any of those particular jokes worked. I missed the joke on that last one. Why are you getting fucked? I don't know what it is. I get nervous here. Because when I do this stuff at open mics, it's great. Okay, so my question's this. I mean, well, it works. This is different than mics it's great. So my question's this. Well, it's like, it works.

This is different than an open mic for sure. My question's this. What are you trying to say in that joke where you talk about the PayPal? Yeah, like getting a boner. What are you talking about? Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just totally lost you guys. No, the hard one is like, I'm trying to make a comparison. I know that

guys, you guys have these, I don't know, you have sexual desires that you can't help. like it's like carnal natural thing that you have and we experience like a similar thing as girls but it's like emotional and like so we do get like these uncontrollable urges to like cuddle and fucking snuggle on the couch but it's like in emotional so i'm trying to make a joke about how that compares. And I'm just trying to write that's the premise. But that's the joke though, is that girls get boners too,

but they're heart boners. Emotional boners. Boners of emotion. Exactly. That's the premise. So I'm working on that. That's why I come to you guys. What's the PayPal thing mean? I don't know. I honestly like, I just, it seriously takes... Don that. That's why I come to you guys. What's the PayPal thing mean? I don't know. I honestly, like, I just, it seriously takes...

Don't you just about say, I don't know. I just said it. I honestly don't know. Get off my back. I said it. I don't know. I mean, I thought everybody knew that PayPal just bends you over and fucks you. Like, it's bad.

PayPal is the worst thing on the planet. But maybe Ticketmaster. Yeah. Would be better, but that probably wouldn't make sense either. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. that probably wouldn't make sense either. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to say about any of that. That doesn't work.

Yeah. Okay. But you can get up and speak in front of everybody and commit to these ideas. And based on knowing that she's done it every week for several weeks, This might just be the off week or whatever. Right? Oh, totally. Sure? Yeah.

Usually better? Yeah. Yeah. So that's not a bad thing. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, it would be more, I just don't understand, like, I don't know. I would definitely, I don't know if I would keep thinking that the emotional boner thing,

unless you really have. I honestly, like, I write these jokes on Twitter and they do really well and then I try to do them live and I guess that's maybe my mistake. Is this the Iron Patriot and you just going back and forth on Twitter all day? No.

But if, but if it works, sorry, sorry Patriot. Go ahead. When she goes into that territory where she says it's easy for her to get sex because there's so many loser guys and she's cute.

Well, no, I mean, but I think that's a good territory. There's a lot of jokes there because it's different. I'm cute and guys are losers? I disagree, buddy. I don't want to be that girl. You know what I'm saying, though?

It's easier for a girl like her to have sex anytime she wants than a guy. Do you have an off switch? Yeah, it is easier for her to have sex. That is the truth. But yeah, she's trying to get at the cuddling part, you know, which

you can't do with a superhero. You can't even sit down. I mean, I come here because in the beginning you guys really helped me tag my jokes and my premises. Right. Yeah, but that's maybe the problem here is it's hard to tag where we don't even think

there's a joke there. But I think that the emotional boner is that there is something to that. When you do men and women stuff, it's so hard to find a fresh take on it right so so make it as personal as possible and maybe even write a couple extra lines about it you know like after the paypal joke you should you maybe you should have said because paypal fucks you right you know like you should have maybe just spelled it out more yeah because paypal paypal i don't know i did something similar to being like yeah right like right. Like a couple of weeks ago. And I was told that's fucking dumb. Well, I agree that, you know, you can't just say, yeah, right.

About everything. Because if they don't agree with you, they don't agree with you. But in the case of PayPal fucking you, that you may have more of a leg to stand on. But they may just not have figured out that that was your point. You know what I mean? Sometimes you have to. Unfortunately, you have to explain things a little bit more and other times

you have to try to get rid of that which brings me back to Twitter if jokes are killing on Twitter say them exactly as written because nothing you said today was 140 characters everything had more stuff to it so maybe you just need to just stand there and just say the line say the joke

from Twitter as written on Twitter and it might work better that way too. The Google thing that I wrote on Twitter, I said Google is the only God that actually answers my questions. And I get a bunch of Google's the only God or guy? God.

For some reason that doesn't it just doesn't land. I knew that that wouldn't work if I said it out loud. Some things are cuter or funnier as a tweet than they are in front of an audience. That's a very hip atheist tweet. A lot of people with gothy lifestyles are like, yeah, retweet.

No, same with you. Google's definitely the only god. Fuck god. Well, maybe Google is a god that will answer your questions. You know, there's some way to tweak it, maybe. There she goes, everybody. It's not a terrible observation. She's at Sarah Dresses on Twitter.

Sarah Mostajabi. And as always, our other lovely lady. Put your hands together for the one and only Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Trying to get their rich. I've been working, working, working, working on this. What's going on? I don't think it's fair that as a woman comic, I have to cover up more than men do

because I have to be taken seriously and stuff. People are like, oh, I thought you always dressed like that. I'm like, no. I don't want to look like I eat snatch. I mean, it's nothing against lesbians. I'm not a lesbian. My mom just taught me to think outside the box.

I don't judge. I don't judge. I have slutty friends. I have lesbian friends. My friend Kate, she's super slutty. But she doesn't do anal. She's literally the skinkiest girl I know. Thank you.

And also, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but everybody masturbates. Thanks. That's adorable. The toot my own horn would be funnier if a guy said it. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I like to toot my own horn would be funnier if a guy said it. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I like to toot my own horn.

I like to think that she has an extended labia. Ooh. Brian, don't talk about her labia. Are you misbehaving over there? Literally, I like, I just think that maybe because of the one minute format, you had to kind of race to it and spit it out

so to speak. What was the first one again? That thing outside the box. That guy, a little chuckle. Maybe that expression has been thrown around a little too much these days to be a twist.

What's the main thing that it's not? I dress more modestly. I feel like I dress up. Yeah, at first you kind of compared it to like, you know, you have to cover up more than guys do, but guys are completely covered up. Like, we're not standing around with our

balls out or whatever. So like, I don't know. I just don't know if that's even an issue worth addressing. Like, how you're forced't know. I just don't know if that's even an issue worth addressing, like how you're forced to dress. Yeah. Because I personally think, for me, a girl comic, lady comic, should just be a comic and not be so much about because I'm a lady this.

But then that's also a rule that's meant to be broken because there's times when, you times when people say hilarious things about specifically about being a woman but I'd say make it as much about being you as possible as opposed to being because it's hard enough for women comics that I think that people tune out when it's

like when you're talking about being a female comic because they're strangely sick of it and yet also haven't embraced it at the same time right like the challenge is it's a much bigger challenge for you to do stand-up and so anytime you talk about your appearance it has to be like the most hilarious joke right otherwise it just puts everybody in their head about oh there's a girl on stage telling jokes she's attractive i can't listen to this. I can't relate to it.

Yeah. I've noticed so many of the most successful ones really dress down when doing stand-up. Yeah, which is what she's trying to make the joke about. So it's an interesting observation. So I'm not saying kill it, but I'm just saying that it's hard to do because it's drawing attention to the fact that, you know, that you're a woman.

Got it. There she goes, everybody. Kimberly Congdon. That's at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter with a C-O-N-G-D-O-N ending. Fuck yeah, Doug. Thank you so much for doing the show. Oh, dude, that was so much fun. I hope that, you know, I hope it was constructive. Oh, dude, that was so much fun. I hope that you know,

I hope it was constructive. Oh, totally. Totally. Instant classic episode, in my opinion. Anything you have going on that you want to promote? Yeah, Greatest Movie Ever Rolled is on VOD and iTunes and you know, Doug Loves Movies. You can go for

all my tour dates and stuff. And I got, you know, I got a ton of, ton of things going on. That's so cool. Yeah. Just,

just, just come into my world, you know, just, just be a part of me. I thought I heard in the, in the, I thought I heard,

is there a superhero trying to get my attention? I think so, buddy. Mr. Benson. Yes, sir. Yes,

sir. I have a new nickname for you. Oh, God. The Messiah of Marijuana. Oh, that's not bad. I thought it would be worse, but... It's not that good at all, though, either. It's not that bad, but it's also not good. It's got alliteration.

Yeah, yeah. It's probably a little long for a nickname, but I'll take it. I mean, I appreciate it. That's awesome. We'll talk later, but... No, we will not. Follow's awesome. We'll talk later. Follow Iron. No, we will not. Follow the Iron Patriot on Twitter.

He's at Comedy Patriot. He hit 1,000 followers. Just hit 1,000 followers. I just hit 10,000 followers for my first 10,000. Death Squad is powerful. Yeah. And Brian and I have an amazing set of shows coming up. Stand Up Live

in Phoenix, September 26. Go to StandUpLive.com in Columbus, Ohio. We're going to be there with Tom Zeger and Christina Pajitsky and maybe a surprise. Who knows? Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about crashing that one. Yeah. It's going to be a lot of fun. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all the tickets.

It's Friday, September 27. If you're in Winnipeg by any chance, I'm going to be there lot of fun. Just go to DeathSquad.tv for all the tickets. It's Friday, September 27th. If you're in Winnipeg by any chance, I'm going to be there on the 12th and 13th of September. Come to Kill Tony taping anytime on a Monday here at the Comedy Store. Up next, the Ding Dong Show,

the longest running show in Comedy Store history with the man, the myth, the legend, Don Barris at the helm. Thank you, everybody. Good night. Outro Music you