KILL TONY - KILL TONY #133

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

Josh Adam Meyers, Moshe Kasher, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Brian Redban - Date: 11/30/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Huge news guys, if you live in Texas, oh your holiday season just got an upgrade. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are bringing Kill Tony to Austin and Dallas. December 26th we'll be in Austin at the Spider House Ballroom. It's going to be Kill Tony at 8pm.m., followed by a comedy show at 10.30 p.m., and whoever is the best local comic that we choose from Kill Tony gets to open up for us at the comedy show. Now, that's December 26th, the day after Christmas in Austin, but then the day after that, December 27th, we'll be in Dallas doing the same thing at Hyena's Comedy Club.

That'll be Kill Tony at 7.30 p.m. followed by a comedy show at 9.30 p.m. You get tickets by going to DeathSquad.tv and clicking on tour dates. And don't forget, we're always, every Monday, at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room doing Kill Tony. Every Tuesday, we have the have the roast battle which is the verbal violence the very popular roast battle every tuesday night in the belly room and every friday we have the ice house comedy show and that's at the ice house in pasadena all these can be found by going to death squad.tv and clicking on tour dates the new death squad shirt is in stock and it ships this week.

If you haven't ordered Taco Cat, there's a few left. Go to shopsquad.tv for all the official Death Squad merchandise. And don't forget to go to Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com for all the news and information about the Golden Pony himself,

Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, guys. Here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Live! Woo! Woo! Yeah! Yeah!

Woo! Hey! This is Friendly coming to you live from the Royal Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 3. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe! It's like a typical Monday here, everybody. Hello! Wow, how exciting. Hi everybody, welcome to Kill Tony, everyone.

Make some fucking noise, you live audience. It's not a very jelly crowd. It's sort of lazy after a big holiday weekend. I have a broken chair. It's a broken chair. It's completely broken. Josh, by the way, this is like a, what is this, like the Just for Laughs prank show or something? I'm gonna put out the broken chair. Hi, everybody. Thousands and thousands watching on Ustream right now. We just got back from doing sold- Kill Tonys in Pittsburgh and Columbus. We got back a few hours ago. Doing Kill Tonys in Columbus.

We found some fun talents and had a lot of fun with meeting people on the road. Met a ton of hilarious comedians that all have kids so they can never move to a major city to be able to do stand-up comedy. So sad. Like, the better the comedian was, like, 30, 40, 50 seconds in, I'm judging him. I'm like, this guy's hilarious. He must have, like, three kids. Because if you're really funny there, you're trapped in a city like Pittsburgh or Columbus only because of kids.

Nothing else could possibly keep you there. So that was interesting to see. I met a lot of sad strippers. Four different strip clubs in three days. It was great. I feel like those strippers met a lot of sad guys in those days, too. Anybody at a strip club during those days of the year, it's not going to be, you know, it's a lot of fake happiness going on there. A lot of pregnant strippers in Ohio. I guess that's, uh, yeah, there's two. I saw two pregnant strippers. Yeah, probably comedians who have, for their boyfriends, you know, boyfriend comedians that are funny. The unfunny people have no

kids. I couldn't say you should move to New York or LA and do stand-up comedy. All the good ones have kids. Here we are, we're back. You might not feel weak today. Yeah, I was more, I was more rested coming back from Australia last week than I am from this, uh, Columbus. We had a shitty layover in Phoenix. Fuck. Our promoter bought bad tickets. Just kidding.

I love you, Jason. Fuck. Anyway. Guys, I made it weird. So here we are, another fun Monday. We always... Oh, hello.

Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. Look at him over here. He's all lit up. He draws every single episode. He draws the decks. He draws it all. Jamie Vernon in the back on the HD camera.

Josh Martin running around somewhere. Dave Deery embarrassing himself. Yes, that crazy guy. Self-proclaimed crowd warm-up of this show. I don't know, he just runs on stage and starts yelling things sometimes, I guess. But we have two great guests

as always. Unbelievable comedians. I always have two of the funniest people in the world. Put your hands together for them. It's Moshe Kesher and Josh Adam Myers. Fresh off of Netflix specials and Comedy Central things. Josh Adam Myers just performed at Madison Square Garden. Madison Square Garden. At the New York Comedy Festival. So we're in the fucking game. Josh, this is your first time on the show.

Welcome, buddy. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. Josh and I worked the grind together for years. Oh, yeah? You guys used to suck dick for money? Yeah, that's it. That's definitely what that sounds like. He handed the balls, I was a chef,

man. That's right. We were a two-part band. Everybody knew we would get the whole thing. Full body wax type of thing. Alright. Welcome back, Moshe Kesher. Thank you. What's going on with you? How's everything? Just got married.

Congratulations to the lovely Natasha Leggero comedy super power fucking unbelievably hilarious couple yeah I was kind of upset because you know Jordan and Chelsea just got engaged and all of the publications in Hollywood were like the funniest couple in all of

Hollywood and I was like I wanted to write a sternly worded letter to the editor forgot about me exactly so welcome back funniest couple in all of Hollywood, and I was like, I wanted to write a sternly worded letter to the editor. Forgot about me. Exactly. So welcome back. We're gonna have fun. Over 40 comedians, all lined up in the fire hazard back hallways in the upper gullets here, all signed up for the chance to do

60 seconds on this stage and then talk to us afterwards about anything in the world. Maybe we make fun of them. Maybe we help them with a joke. Maybe we just meet them and find out their compelling story. Anything can happen and it can happen at any random time because their names are all in the bucket. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you got 60 seconds.

You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aww. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. God, really loud. Okay.

Okie dokie. That sound effect just gets louder and more aggressive every time I come here. Every time. It's because of the gay agenda. They're getting bolder and stronger. It's true. Put a stop to it. It's true.

They added protein into the shakes At the WeHo Greens place In Sweetser in Santa Monica This is what gay men need is more protein It's funny because it's true I actually go there and I do get the protein shake Oh That's a good place

What's that place on Santa Monica in Sweetser called? Earth Bar It's ridiculous Alright I pulled the name out of the bucket. This is one of our favorite people. He gets pulled out of the bucket a lot. Such a funny fucking guy. He's from the South.

What you're about to see is real. One of our favorite Young Rising comedians. Put your hands together. New 60 seconds from Eric Carter, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! I am from the South, and I have to say it's fun having a Southern accent in L.A. It makes it easy to scare the shit out of people.

But this old twang can get you in trouble, too, especially when I abbreviate Raccoon. When I was in college, I was a bounty hunter. That's not a bit. It's a true story. I was a bounty hunter for two years for my uncle. He was a bail bondsman. But I took small cases. It usually involved chasing meth heads through the woods.

That would be one hell of a video game. hell of a video game. Your inventory is a Ford F-150, a.38, a can of Skol, a pack of cigarettes, and fuck. But your obstacles would be you have to catch the meth head, you got to fight the

trash on the creek, you got to shoot snakes, but I want to have it on like Super Nintendo. It's going to be like the creek. You gotta shoot snakes. But I wanna have it on like Super Nintendo. It's gonna be like low quality. It ain't gonna be... Oh wow, you're really disappointed in yourself this episode. The funniest part was when you messed up. I know. It was a perfect punchline to that joke.

That's what I thought. And fuck. I got some of my skull, my cigarettes, and my fuck. Yeah, I think it works. I think keep it just like that. I love that. I'm so glad that you could take a break from your shift at Circuit City to come out.

Circuit City? It's a little inside old school reference, but you all get it. I got a big pop. It's a Circuit City old school reference, but you all get it. I got a big pop. It's a Circuit City crowd. I had a feeling. I'm coming fresh from Ohio today, people. I know that I can connect with the Midwest.

I really enjoyed what you said. I think, is this your accent? Anything that comes out of your mouth is just brilliant. They should have you tell. You should be the guy that tells people that they have cancer or that they're dying or something like that. It's coming out of your mouth. It's great.

I got some bad news for you. What is it, Eric? The problem is you got a lymphoma in your left node and also a fuck. Yeah, man. You'd be the bearer of bad news. Sorry, man. You got cancer.

There you go. You're also the bearer of bad shoes, by the way. Those are terrible. Oh, my God. Legitimately terrible shoes. Oh, my God. What grave did you rob to get those? What innocent corpse is laying there with no shoes on?

I mean, the problem is you're funny, so it's hard to make fun of your act. But luckily, you've given us a lot of other stuff to make fun of. These were my granddaddy's shoes. The part of his coffin was closed during the calling hours. I opened it up, took his shoes. I see you trying to come up with something to say about me.

I can see that hungry look in his eyes. He's looking over at me. What is this? Some maritime? Something about sucking dick? Too hipstery? What do you got? I've heard it all. I was going to say my shit kickers are at the shoe doctor right now They got a whole I gotta say as a Jewish American hearing someone with that accent say anything about shit kickers

Definitely scares me a lot. It's got cancer at the same day the shoe doctor They got about six weeks to live anyway this fast-talking Jew said something about my shoes, so I put on my shit kicker and did me a hate crime. I got one pair at the shoe doctor. I got one pair at the shoe police department. They got in trouble. They got a mind of their own, those sandals of mine. They're in the Santa Monica Police Department Right now locked up

I used to be a bail bondsman Was gonna get them out Hey So why are the Why are the cars on the cinder blocks I've never understood that Novelty Yard decoration

You're funny dude I mean that's Totally Yeah you're funny How long have you been out that's totally. Yeah, you're funny. How long have you been out of? What is it? Mississippi, right? I left last year.

Fuck. Yeah. And I actually take it back. I was in North Dakota working in the oil field. Oh, surprise. Surprise. I was a roughneck. Yeah.

Wow. All right. How long have you been doing stand up for? Almost four years. And what is what sector of Klan are you affiliated with? What's a sect? Is that? Wait, no, I know.

There's 60 of them in a minute, right? 66. You know what, dude? You're going to be making so much money so soon. That's what. Don't you feel that? Like as soon as somebody discovers you and you like hone your. I mean, you're pretty honed.

I bet you have a pretty good act when you're not slumming it here at the... Yeah, it's usually just top notch. I just didn't bring my A game. I thought I did. You've been on a lot of times and you've always done good with your 60 seconds. Even when you bomb, it's so eloquent.

I didn't mean to say it was shitty, but the fact that you said fuck in the middle of one of your jokes meant to me he probably hasn't rehearsed this one a whole lot. So I'm saying with your like. Oh, you're right. I can argue. Yeah, you can't argue with a Jew. I own the legal system. But according to your belief system.

Anyway, don't you think he's going to be like making more money than all of us soon? Yeah, totally. Totally. He's the Larry, the the basic more basic cable guy like it's like you could be larry the internet guy you could be there at that larry can't yet afford a label guy set up punchline your accent you win seriously it's that easy i mean because you're a combination of very successful people like you are a perfect combination of jeff fox and one of Jeff Dunham's puppets. And not exactly sure which one.

But you have a lot of energy. And you can hit that mainstream hard because there are a bunch of idiots out there that just eat that shit up. You know what I mean? Oh, it got quiet on that part? All right. Fuck you guys. I was in Ohio today. I saw those morons I'm from there

Are you voting for? Sanders, of course, I'm going Sanders feel the burn brother Yeah, that's a good question I like that yeah, I'm guessing you're a big Ben Carson fan am I right Oh, I was uh, I don't want to get crucified for this, but I was backing Rand Paul, but he ain't got a chance, so I want to vote for these nuts. Oh, you're voting for these nuts? All right, man. Way to have some integrity.

That's cool. Yeah. Yeah. I just got to get back to Mississippi and vote. I ain't registered out here. I bet you're not. What are you? I'm only registered for six offenders out here.

The DMV? I don't even know what that is. I got to knock on all my neighbors at Hollywood Highland. Yeah, he's like, I brought some fat back down to the registrar, but they do things differently here in California. You had me at fat back. You're funny, man. Yeah, dude. Eric Carter is so much fun, as always.

Eric Carter. There he goes, everybody. I love a plain red polo. He's obviously going to go coach a high school football team right now. He's on Twitter at CallMeEC, all one word. So for those of you listening to the show via the internet. Hey, yeah, and for those of you listening that check out in the middle of the episode, come see me at the Punchline in San Francisco, December 9th through the 12th. Yeah. Hey, yeah, and for those of you listening that check out in the middle of the episode, come see me at the Punchline in San Francisco

December 9th through the 12th. Yeah, absolutely. Sorry, Tony. I'm pre-plugging so that I can post-plug. I mean, I'm a Jew. I got to get paid somehow. Hell yeah, absolutely. San Fran, December 9th through the 12th.

Anything you want to plug? December 14th at the Lyric Theater here in Los Angeles. Goddamn comedy jam with Sarah Silverman, Burt Kreischer. It's going to be a lot of fun. Holy shit. Hey, nobody said, when I said I was going to be in Los Angeles, goddamn comedy jam with Sarah Silverman, Burt Kreischer. It's going to be a lot of fun. Holy shit. Nobody said when I said I was going to be in San Francisco. We saw your act, motherfucker.

You got black and mean all of a sudden. So supportive when that racist was on stage. But now I'm trying to make my money. We saw your act, motherfucker. Welcome to 211. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Always love that.

So let's give a warm welcome to Ron Taylor. Ron Taylor. RT. All right, what's up? I live in a van. This shit is hard. You know you're doing bad in life when you wake up to a ticket on your house. Every day I see white women walking their dogs and I realize I just want to be successful so I can live as freely as a white woman's dog.

Like they don't worry about shit, literally. They have other people pick it up. I'm from Detroit. A lot of places you gotta wear a dress code and it's fucked up because it don't be a dress code as much as it is a list of shit young black people wear. It's like no hats, no jerseys, no ball caps, no tennis shoes. Just say it.

No niggas. I get it. So you know where the fuck we at? Detroit, I can't wear no loafers in here. I need traction, I need gym shoes. I'm gonna need to take off. Get rid of the metal detectors, then I'll put on some Stacey Adams. Till then, fuck you.

All right, that's it, I'm Ron Taylor. That's it, exactly a minute, boom. Ron Taylor, you're hilarious. How long have you been on stand-up in Detroit? It'll be six years in January. Yeah, nice. Thank you, brother. There's got to be something in the Detroit thing,

the transition into why you live in your van. It's because you're from Detroit, and in Detroit that's considered a two-bedroom house or something like that. An upgrade. Motor City. Yeah, thank you, thank you. Actually that's true,

because cars actually cost more than half the houses in Detroit, so. Why do you live in your van? I'm poor. You live in the van in Detroit or you live in the van here? Two white guys. Sorry, why would a person live in a van

when they make houses in the hills? I don't... Are you a free spirit or is it an adventure thing? Well, where do you keep the shower in this van? No, I'm just poor and then I go to LA Fitness and take showers

and go to Rouse and take shits. Wow. Why Rouse? That's crazy. That's a great plan, dude. That is great. I'm sure LA Fitness appreciates that. I mean, it's real homeless people out there. No, you're really homeless. You are.

But you look good. That's important. But you're not vanless. And that's what's most there. No, you're really homeless. You are. But you look good. That's important. But you're not vanless, and that's what's most important. Yeah, what kind of van? It's an E150. It's a Ford. Somebody just went, yeah. Yeah.

That's a van you want to live in right there. Looks like he might have a potential roommate back there. He sounds excited. Two-bedroom minivan. You could even say something like that. Like, I had to kick my roommate out. Something about a hitchhiker or something. That's funny.

I have had a roommate for like two days. Trey Stewart, but fuck him. Fuck Trey Stewart? No, fuck Trey Stewart for real. I hate that guy, man. Maybe it's like I had to kick my roommate out, but then I had to have him sign the pink. I had to have something about your dad

signing the pink slip over to you, basically. I don't know. All right, maybe not. No. I fuck with him. And there might also be something funny and maybe, you know, but it's nice. Sometimes you park it in the hills, you know,

and it makes you feel rich until you forget to put the e-brake on. And then you're back. Actually, now that you say that, I actually think the interaction that we had is pretty much a done joke. Which was, you say I live in a van. And you say I told a white guy that. And he was like, why do you live in a van? And you're like, motherfucker, I'm poor. And then, you know, you could do my act out,

which got a great response. I'll give that to you. I think that's a joke, though. I do. I don't think you're going to be homeless much longer than mine. No, that's true. You're really funny. Your whole act, from top to bottom,

you even knew when you were like, it's not saying you knew it was 60 seconds, but you were just like, boom, I think I'm done. It's true. Everything was perfect. And you never know. Carmichael Show Season 2 might add a little brother out of nowhere. You know, like, hey, Gerard, we found your little brother.

Way to give dreams to the young black comics of America. And you never know. You might be able to get a job on one show on that one show you guys on the black show do you have a job? are you looking for a job?

yeah shit yeah so you were out there pounding the pavement or whatever well barely man back in Detroit I didn't have to work I just did comedy and made money. Right. Now I'm bottom of the barrel again. Right.

I got to find some job, but we'll see. And where do you park your van? Wherever I run out of gas. I'm sorry. What's your neighborhood? No, but where do you usually park it? Where's your location right now? Like where are you parked?

So, all right. There's like a Ralph's on Sunset. Uh-huh. And then I just park between there. So when the sun come up, like it don't turn my van to an oven. So I got to park in shade. Right. Hey, I relate to the don't want to be in an oven situation.

Our people have struggled enough, right? Yeah, when Hitler used to stack the Jews in those E-150s. I used to stack the Jews in those E-150s. Yo, I think I might have a job for you. Would you sell donuts for a living? Yeah, man. All right. I have a friend who's opening a donut place. You're so funny.

I want to make you employed because what I see happen is that sometimes people come to L.A. and then they struggle for a minute and then they just bounce, especially if they live in a place that you can just turn the ignition on and move back to Detroit without leaving your house you know what I mean so anyway thank you man I'm with it brother like I listen to your podcast man oh yeah of course you do yeah yeah every day because I don't have TV so all I can do is like listen to shit so I'm with it man yeah cool I mean it's funny right that's great look at that the dreams coming true Jobs at donut shops, guys. That's the type of crazy stuff that can happen on...

No, I mean, it's just because I want him to keep doing comedy. I don't think of you as a donut man. I just want you to do donuts until you can become the comic you're supposed to be. Can you bring your house Friday to the Ice House and do the Death Squad show? Yeah. Boom. Boom. Dreams are coming true. This guy just got a gig

and a job. Wait, what if he was like, nah, man, sorry, I can't make it. That would have been the best. I have an appointment at LA Fitness. Have you fucked in the van yet? Not here, no. Where did you

fuck in the van? Like in Detroit? Oh, in Detroit. Yeah. Because you had a house. Yeah. As well. It's fun to fuck in a van as an option, not as a necessity. Right.

Damn. Good. So you have a house in Detroit. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Like you said. Ford Fiesta?

Right. in Detroit. Oh, yeah. Right, right. Ford Fiesta? Right, that'd be funny if everybody had a Ford Fiesta in Hawaii, you know? Like, oh, I have a summer home, of course. Yeah. You know what you could do is you could pick up chicks

out here in L.A. What you do is you just, you know, you take them on a little date, a little cheap date, and then you just pull in front of a nice big house, and you're like, you know what, let's just sit outside for a little date, a little cheap date, and then you just pull in front of a nice big house. And you're like, you know what?

Let's just sit outside for a little bit. I have my sister over right now. She's hogging up the whole place. She's awake with her kids. I'm letting them play inside. But he said we just hang out here in the car and talk a little bit. See what I'm saying? Yeah, she's like, that's so cool you live in that mansion.

Hey, why is there a month worth of dirty laundry here, though? And why are there 17 boxes of donuts in the back? And why is Red Band sleeping there? Unbelievable. Ron, what else? What do you do for fun? I just chase pussy for right now, man. How's that going for you?

Down the street in your house? No. I almost fucked the day of Black Friday. I almost fucked the day. Oh, yeah. Congrats. That's your day. Yeah.

How did it almost go down? Where were you? I was in her apartment. Wow. Wow. How did she love you? You just started freaking out about the luxury. You didn't play it cool. It was a bad look. Whoa. go down where were you I was I was in her apartment Wow Wow how do you just sort of freaking out about the luxury you didn't play it cool it was a bad look whoa where do you keep your steering wheel in this place he's like

wait what is this what's this metal thing that if you turn the knob the water comes out of it yeah do, do you cook on your cigarette lighter one noodle at a time or something? What? One like Totino's pizza roll, just put it back in. I've got a little camper stove in there with a butane little stove.

Fuck yeah. That's cool. Well, don't burn yourself in a fire before Friday night at the Ice House. I know, man. Because that sounds like quite the hazard you have. Maybe park in front of a fire station before you cook a meal. But I want to know, where did you meet this girl that you got all the way back to her apartment? Well, on Thanksgiving, I cussed her out and told her some shit. There you go.

Charming young man. Hell yeah. He's abusive and lives in a van? On Thanksgiving I told him about it. I cussed her out because her titties kept coming out.

Why would you cuss her out if her titties kept coming out? She's not mad hate that. Why would you cuss her out if her titties kept coming out? And she's not mad that you're living in a van. It made everybody uncomfortable. Where were you at? At dinner? At Thanksgiving dinner in the van? No, no, no.

I got invited over. You had friends over. Where were you at? At the Laugh Factory? No. Yeah, there's an email. It's like, Jamie likes to host an annual Thanksgiving titty viewing. You have to be pretty into comedy to even get it.

Forget it. Forget it. She's just very comfortable being half naked. And I said, if they come out, I'm going to look. She laughed and then invited me over the next day and almost fucked her. But I had a show to do. That's when you cancel the show. Dude, you live

in a van. You should take whatever pussy you can get. That's a howl. No, I think you live in a van. You should take whatever gigs you can get so you can get some money so that you can get an apartment so that you can get ever more pussy. You know, a poor man, give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Give a man a gig, he will get pussy for the rest of his life. That's true. That was the thought. I have a feeling you're going to be getting a lot of pussy and you'll be out of the van very soon. I like now the inspirational thing where the other guy's like, you're going to get a lot

of money, you're really going to be successful and someday your dick will get wet it will be wet again Maybe take your time though. Maybe don't maybe don't just go straight to apartment You know maybe add a nice trailer hitch to the back of the van at some point You know make it a yeah, do you ever treat yourself to like a u-haul? Yeah? You know turn that party into a two-bedroom, you know what I mean I've got the I've got the hookup for but I No, no, no. You know, turn that party into a two-bedroom, you know what I mean? No. I've got the hookup for it, but I haven't fucked that.

No. Storage facility? No. I just treat myself to buffets, man. That's it. When I get $20, I go eat crab legs. That's it. Ah, I like that.

Wow, there you go. Man, you really are black. That is so good. He's living in a van, but still has to have a crab leg once in a while. That's beautiful. That's Detroit for you right there. I love that. So how long you been out of there?

I've been out here for about a month. I've been living in a van for about a month. Wow, you're so fucking funny. And this is going to be one of those fun times that we all look back on and say we saw that hilarious guy talking about living in a van because you're you got it don't give up very funny yeah very good Ron Taylor everybody there he goes

he's on twitter at comedian rant catch him at the ice house on Friday and catch him at the new donut shop which I'm guessing is in Los Feliz it's in Silver Lake. No, no, no, it's better. It's way better than you think. It's called the Donut Farm.

It's a vegan organic donut shop. Of course it is. His friends in Detroit are going to find out he's working there and kill him. No, don't come back to the D. It's not good for you here right now. We heard about the donuts, man. Yo, man, he's sold out.

He's working at a vegan donut shop in Silver Lake. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Lou Varam. What's up? Yo, so statistics are crazy. Do you guys know that one out of every two and a half men has AIDS? It's true. I have a girlfriend. I'm as surprised as you guys are.

But she's Canadian. And our relationship's a lot like Canada. It doesn't matter. At all. At all. I can cheat on her whenever I want. It's amazing. Actually, I'm kidding about that.

I'm a good person. I've been cheated her whenever I want. It's amazing. Actually, I'm kidding about that. I'm a good person. I've been cheated on. It sucks almost as much as my ex does. But yeah, I'm half Jewish, which is weird because I'm a grammar Nazi. And I don't want to get too personal with you guys, but I'm going to, so fucking deal with it. I was in bed with my girlfriend the other night, and I was fingering her clit. And she whispered in my ear, you fingered my clit so good.

Whoa. Whoa, there's the bear. All right, you want to finish it? What did she whisper? She whispered in my ear, you fingered my clit so good and I said well. Ah. Ah.

Alright, whoa. That one's for you podcast listeners. What was that Canadian joke about that you completely lost me there? Can I just tell you before listeners. What was that Canadian joke about? You completely lost me there. Can I just tell you, before we get into even the Canadian joke, I have to say, I absolutely love the fact that with 60 seconds to work, you took a break 30 seconds in to just spew hatred about this ex-girlfriend. I mean, no real punchlines there at all.

You just really started hoping and gambling that she's listening to this on Ustream right now. Why? What was the reason for that? Well, I think we missed the joke there because you compared her to Canada, and then you started going off on Canada or something like that. Canada doesn't matter. Oh, I followed it. It just wasn't funny.

It wasn't funny. It wasn't. No, it wasn't. But you had good stuff at the beginning, I thought, right? The first couple things were good. That was great. And then all that fat in the middle was like you were trying to, it wasn't, but it was, you had good stuff at the beginning, I thought, right? The first couple things were good. And then all that fat in the middle was like, you were trying to say it didn't matter, but then you cheat on her, but then you don't cheat on her because you're actually a good person. And then I was just like, but then you didn't get to your punchline at the end with the grammar joke, which is a real joke. So I would just say, cut that stuff out, stuff it inside, all that emotion you have.

stuff out, stuff it inside, all that emotion you have. You know what I mean? I had a feeling like you at first were like, you know what, yeah, I chatted all the time. Then you were like, wait, this bitch listens to podcasts. No, she's awesome. I've never cheated. Yeah, so what's the story? With my ex or with my girlfriend currently?

How long have you been with your current girlfriend? Five months. And did you get into that right after the X or did you take a little break short break really short break like six months oh I would actually say that there were two moments that I felt dissatisfied no no I'm not the first 30 seconds and the second 30 seconds. No, it's just that there were two things that were really good setups. Like, my girlfriend

is from Canada and our relationship is exactly like Canada. And then I was like, oh, that's a cool idea. How? And then it was like, it doesn't matter. I was like, okay, that's funny-ish. And then the grammar Nazi thing, I wanted a grammar joke that was about Nazism. You know what I'm saying? And I didn't get that then you just started talking about

Fingering your girl's clit or whatever Yeah which made me think you'd have never Touched a woman's vagina Exactly Yeah what can you describe it More Colorfully for us Honestly truthfully

Maybe you're like there's a Piercing hole there that you're going in and out of or something like that? You sure that's not her? That might be her urethra. You might be. Yeah. It's definitely possible. What are you doing there?

What's fingering the clit? You never finger banged a girl before, Tony? Yeah, but not their clit. Yeah, you know. The clit, there's a hole. You know, there's a hole and then another hole and then another hole. I love that clit. And he's know, you... The clit, there's a hole, you know, there's a hole, and then another hole, and then another hole. I love that clit.

And he's getting attitude with me, by the way. He's about to learn about the woman's vagina right now for the first time in front of a live audience, and he's going, you never finger-banged a girl, Tony? Huh? You little punk?

Dude, you don't even know what the difference between the clit and the vagina is. That's impressive. Tony teaches anatomy on the weekends at Pepperdine. I love it. Fuck yeah. When I'm not eating Halloween dinner off the shirt you're wearing. Wait.

Halloween dinner. Tony, very funny. I'm very white. I'm calling bullshit on Halloween dinner. I was waiting for a joke about the shirt. I come from pure white trash. We have Halloween dinner where I'm from. I'm like, just because it's Halloween

you can't just create a tradition. Oh, no, I haven't. My family does it and Eric Carter's family. We both have Halloween dinner. You sit down, you deep fry some of the Kit Kats. Whenever I do an Eric Carter impression, I just try to take my brain into nothingness land And see what words come out

Yeah in fact I don't know why you were Leaving aside how How weird and gross it was that you said you were fingering her clit Like why are you fingering her in that joke Like why can't you just be fucking her I was having sex with my girlfriend the other day She always said oh you fuck me so good Because I've been lasting as long as JFK in Dallas

Well, I mean which time in Genuinely scared me. Yeah, wait you because you've been lasting as long as JFK in Dallas. I don't get it super topical He was of all yeah Some people might say too soon for this. I was last seen as long as JFK in Dallas, not as long as Clinton in the Oval Office, if you know what I mean, with the cigar in the hoo-ha.

Meanwhile, at Circuit City. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. How long have you been on stand-up? Nine months. Fuck, yeah. You're about to come out stand-up? Nine months. Fuck yeah. You're about to come out of the womb any second now. I was waiting for that.

You actually had me on when I was three months in, and I tanked. I love it. Thank you for having me. But by the way, on your way out of the womb, reach up and finger her clit as you leave. I love this. Where are you from, Lou? Philly. Philly.

And you've been here for nine months? I've been here since April, so however long that is. How long did you do it in Philly? I did it once, and then I did open mics across the country. I'm ready. I'm coming out. Big time. I'm coming out.

Spinger and clits. Hollywood's ready for me. I'm going straight to the big times. Wearing little big shirts. How often do you go up? I generally do 5 to 15 mics a week. That's good. 5 to 15?

You're a hard worker and I'm not saying that because you're wearing an employee Big Lots shirt. Big Lots anyone? Circuit City works but Big Lots won't? Where are my Big Lots people at tonight? Come on. You do 15 open mics

a week? I generally try to hit as many as I can. I do extras acting on the side but when I'm not doing that, when I don't get booked for that I just hit as many as I can find on the comedy bureau. What could we see you being an extra on? Anything cool? I was on American Horror Story.

That was pretty cool. That is cool. Yeah, that's awesome. What did your character do? Character. That's so generous. I was a reporter. He blinked?

That's accurate. But I was a reporter. I just took down notes. Finn Whitrock, anybody actually watch the show? He was playing a fucking movie star, and I was just writing shit down about him. Vahram, V-A-H-R-A-M. What is that?

It's actually my middle name. I'm half Armenian, half Jewish. I'm the child of two genocides. Do you also live in a van? Because you have a fan looking living look yeah you have the guy who lived in a van actually dresses better than the guy the guy who lived in the van afro was perfect you look like shit yeah yeah I do drugs and you look better than I do drugs and you look better than I do drugs and you look better than I would say that

thank you Josh you're welcome appreciate the backhanded comment you're welcome your look says that you might live in an El Camino or something like that something with a hard body

he's a good looking kid you're alright oh yeah totally how old are you Lou? 23 oh yeah you're gonna be a huge huge extra one day people are gonna be like

I got a stadium scene to shoot. Where's that Lou Varam? Oh, man. I knew him when he passed by the camera real quickly. Oh, man. I want to get my SAG status eventually, but for now, it's just extra work. SAG status.

Hell yeah. Got to get that SAG status. You know, once you get SAG membership, you automatically become like a big actor in TV shows. That's bullshit. No, it's true. The moment you get the card, they're like, right this way, and they open up the door, and then you end up in Philly again.

Lou, what's the creepiest type of porn that you've Googled recently? Oh, Jesus. I watched Anal Gangbang pretty recently. That's straight up meat and potatoes. Like, that's the first porn. Half the guys in the front row were in that video. Fuck, yeah.

I think you'll be fine. I mean, you're nine months in. You're a baby in this I mean it's Baby You know And you already are Developing premises

And I mean It's just a matter of The confidence on stage And I mean You're getting it So just keep at it If you hit 15 a week You know

You will be good Within two years You'll have a good Solid five six That really kills And you know That's what I think I mean Or You hit a bunch of open mics You waste your life in LA You've never had it You'll have a good solid five, six that really kills. That's what I think.

Or you hit a bunch of open mics. You waste your life in L.A. You never had it to begin with, and you end up just wasting away in L.A., and then eventually you move on to Venice Beach and sell knickknacks for a living. I mean, there are options. That's true. Listen, right now I'm just trying to have fun. That's good. You're 23.

You have so many years. You can do stand-up for two years, develop a heroin addiction for four, go to rehab, come back out, start stand-up again, and then relapse, do heroin again,

and then you'll be 28, 29, and you can still start stand-up. This is funny. This is Cease Being Us giving you advice about your career and just a polemic about our fear of aging, basically. Lou, so you currently have a girlfriend. That's been going on for six months. Now, what's the story with that?

What does she do? She's a UCLA law student. There you go. You are good. Keep hitting those open mics. Fuck the extra work. You're good. Keep hitting those open mics. Fuck the extra work. You're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love that. Just grab on tight. Keep it cool, cheap. And do the dishes around the apartment. Keep fingering that clit. Finger that pussy. Fucking keep fingering. Whatever you're doing is working.

I'll change it to rubbing. Thank you. No, no. Fingering the cl working. I'll change it to rubbing. Thank you. No. Fingering the clit. I feel like that's like, what would that look like on the bass? That's like running past first bass into the dugout, right?

Something like that. Keep letting her dress you. Just do everything. Yeah. Exactly. That's definitely UCLA fucking law. Yeah. Wasn't Finger the Clit on Warped Tour this year?

Yeah. I fucking love it. Lou, what else? Tell us something crazy about you. What do you sneak out and do sometimes? What's like a creepy thing about you? Or a fun hobby or something like that? What's the deepest way you've ever betrayed your current girlfriend?

I was actually never going to say this before, and that's not what I was going to say. He was saying the creepiest thing about me. The creepiest thing about me is that a girl has a restraining order against me. Oh! There's no restraining order on writing comedy about it, though, is there? Turns out you're not allowed to be within 500 feet of a girl whose vagina you tore apart in a terrible accident where you...

A fingering accident? You didn't cut your nails? Yeah. What happened with the restraining order? Let's get into it. Let's hear a fucking creepy story. I want to see what happens with Lou when he flies off the fucking handles. You know what's funny, Lou? It's like you're new in

comedy and you really want to make a good impression. Like Tony, somebody that you're very impressed with and you want him to like you. So you are making a gigantic mistake right now on a podcast talking about your horrifying legal issues. But anyway, what do you do? Please,

in detail. You know what? I figured it's time to bring it out on the table. What better venue than a comedy podcast? Right. It was a girlfriend, the ex that I was referring to, that said badly. And it became an abusive relationship.

Yeah. You know what that sound means. And I tried to keep her from hitting me and shit and she she was hit at you yeah thank God she was hitting him I was getting so uncomfortable he's like yeah so I got abusive I mean basically the long and short of it is I used to beat the shit out of my girlfriend but she did it's about time for me to talk about that. I gotta do me today. What would she do? What was her thing?

Would she slap you, punch you, tombstone pile driver? What the fuck are we talking about? Would she bust out Undertaker shit on you? Just come in with a belt holding with her eyes crossed? She'd walk in and just start fingering your clit against your will. She'd walk in and just start fingering your clit against your will. There was a night she was throwing punches,

and I was grabbing her wrist to keep her from doing that. And then she started kicking, and I was like, all right, are you ready to let go? She wouldn't calm down. She was blackout drunk. She had a drinking problem. Yeah. I bet you when it was good, though, that pussy was good. Yeah, buddy.

It was probably real good. You imagine how good it has to be for you to stick around for kicking and punching pussy? Yeah. Accurate. Mama mia. I want to go, but I just can't say goodbye. But she asked me to let go, and I said, are you going to hit me? And she said no. So I let go, and she dug in with her fingernails as deep into my neck as she could.

I was bleeding out all over the place. I respect her honesty. She didn't hit you. She scratched the shit out of you. Yeah. That's when you go with your Mortal Kombat finishing mood, finger the clit. That's right. Finger her!

Finger her! And I just went, two fingers in the the clit and ran out like a woman. Is it true that the crazy girl was more fun in bed, though? Like, you know, can you confirm or deny that the ex-girlfriend that was crazy is more fun in bed? Like, would she do crazy shit to you? Like what? Like suck on your belly button or something like that? I'm saying if he fingers the clit, then what's

the reverse to that? She was fun in bed. We'd choke each other out and shit. That's it. Choke each other out? Yeah. What do you mean? To unconsciousness? Nah. What do you think out is? I think we're finding out where the restraining order really came from. He's like, anyway, basically I was a victim in every single way possible

and then I did like to choke her unconscious from time to time. It was consensual. Yeah, so crazy. So why'd she get a restraining order against you? Well, I guess her parents... Oh, that's the other side of the story. I shot her in the face. Her parents found out that we'd been having these confrontations, and they decided to put all the blame on me.

Shit went bad. And then the school found out. They suspended me. This was at my college. And so then I was just like, I don't want to be anywhere near this. I did stand up once in Philly, and then I was like, you know what? I don't even want to be in this city. Dad, I'm moving to LA.

That's fucking awesome. Sometimes it takes a crazy bitch to get your life in order, get you to take chances. One of the best tools for new comics is the voice recorder app. It's also the best for domestic reasons. So next time that shit happens, you'll be so programmed to click record on your voice recorder app, and it will save your ass in the future.

Wait a minute. How many fucking bad experiences have you had? Who are you talking to? I guess so. You're right. It's just so creepy. The best form of technology to avoid getting trapped up in a case with a crazy woman that accused you of domestic violence is you go ahead and download the recording your domestic

violence situation app. It's something I developed. It's now on Death Squad. It makes a great podcast. Lou, it was so nice meeting you. Another fun new face. There he is. Nine months in. Lou Varam. Everybody. He's on Twitter at Lou Legends.

What's all happening here? We're moving slow because the people are so entertaining tonight. Interesting. You guys having fun, live audience? Fuck yeah, you are. Of course you are. Oh, we met this guy for the first time a few weeks ago.

Interesting fucking stories from this guy. This is another one. He's like the New York version of Eric Carter that I just can't believe he's real. Put your hands together for the one and only second time ever on this show, Stevie Blue Eyes, everybody. What's up, guys?

Guys, it's, I turned 29. 29. Ugh, I don't like it. My 20s, they're gone. I don't know where they went. From 23 to 27, I was in federal prison. So that ate up a chunk. You know, 23 to 27, it's not that bad a time to miss out on, though.

A lot of working, a lot of drinking, a lot of mistakes being made. I know it's a real hectic time, because when I got out of prison, I ran into a bunch of my friends. They didn't even realize I was gone. I don't get along with my parents now after this whole fiasco. When I got arrested, they refused to help me out with a lawyer. So I went to a worse prison than I should have for a longer amount of time.

It's all right, though. I'm going to get them back. When the time comes, I'm sending them to the shittiest, rapiest nursing home ever, guys. Guys, I'm Stevie Blue Eyes.

Thank you. Boom. A new 60 seconds from Stevie Blue Eyes. In and out. How long? 60. Right on the mark. Right on the mark.

Right on the mark, but you did that mic thing. You struggled with the mic for the exact amount of time to be able to do your joke, and I respect that. That was cool. Why do I have a feeling that your sex move is drop kick the clit? The clit sleeps with the fishes Yeah Fuck clit about it Fuck clit about it

Fuck clit about it It became Yiddish So you really were in prison? Yeah I was That's cool man I thought that was I thought there was even a tighter way to say it So you really were in prison? Yeah, I was. That's cool, man. I thought there was even a tighter way to say it. Like, I don't know where my 20s went.

Well, I don't know. Maybe yours was perfect, actually, because it had your attitude in it. But I kind of liked just the idea. Like, I have no idea where my 20s went. I was in federal prison from 23 to 27. So, yeah, I do. You know, or something. I don't know.

Forget it, man. Why were you in federal prison? I had a drug trafficking, racketeering, and conspiracy charge. What were you selling? Marijuana and Oxycontin. Oxycontin from New York? Get out of here. You are the epitome of guy from New York. This is so good.

I'm from Boston. Oh, Boston guy. Yeah, that's what I meant. I have a really sharp view of East Coast generalities, basically. Did you see the movie? What's the gangster movie? The Whitey Bulger guy? Yeah.

Black Mask. He was – a part of that was, like, based off of him. Yeah. He got a good thing going, man. I feel like it just, like, feeds itself. You know what I mean? It's hard, like – it's such a rare thing when somebody's vibe is funny. You know?

Yeah. Like, just the way you were saying stuff. It was just like so it wouldn't be funny if another dude was saying it, which is like really I think that's good. I guess even I guess that's what I meant. Like when I was saying like a New York version of Eric Carter, even though you're from Boston, like it's just like you. I feel like you know who you are. And you're also like Eric Carter in that like you know it's just a complete thing

like a lot of the things that you say don't have to even be particularly well written and it can still be hilarious from your timing and cadence and I don't mean to insult you no none of us insult you by the way none of us insult you at all you have much much

much much much much better skin than Eric Carter. We think you're awesome. And like in every way, if there's anything I can actually, you know what? That guy in the van, you don't have a job anymore. If you need a job. Yeah. Like anything you need, really. Yeah.

We got any. We have. Oh, he shot extra holes in the donuts, folks. You know what's so cool about you is that you chose the one job that will not in any way be affected by the fact that you went to prison. It's so dope. The comedy's so dope. It's not a black mark. It's the opposite of a black mark.

It's like the best thing you could have is like, this dude went to fucking prison? I want to hear more. I want to give him more money. I'm going to do all I think about is money all day long. I'm pretty sure Joey Diaz has killed a few people and he advertises it on his podcast. Yeah, he's doing great. I mean, do you have more material

about being in jail? Because that's something I think, you know, people would love to hear that. If you can make that funny, I mean... Yeah, well, I was just on the Fighter and the Kid podcast talking for like two hours about my jail experience. Yeah, you stuck around with us the first time you were on this show a few weeks ago

and told us a bunch of crazy stories. He's like the real deal. Can I ask an obvious question here? You're dressed pretty much exactly like a drug dealer currently. Yeah. You look like not only do you deal the drugs, but you also fly them over the border in your own private plane that you know how to fly and where to land it.

I like clothes. I can tell how much you spend on your outfit. And it's not like I'm just struggling out of comedy in prison. I'm just a brand new. No, this is like band dude. I was like, I get it. Are you still in the game? Don't say that.

Don't say that, by the way. I'm retired. Retired. Right. Retired. Right, retired, but maybe you accidentally, before you went away, hit a few hundred thousand under a rock. Don't answer. Don't answer. Don't answer.

Now, what do you guys think? He has an interesting name. His name is Stevie Blue Eyes. Do you think that's a good name for me? Oh, thank you for bringing it up because I got distracted by how good you were. I hate your name. I fucking hate it. What's a good name for me? Thank you for bringing it up because I got distracted by how good you were. I hate your name. I don't. I fucking hate it.

What's your last name? Like, what's your last name? Pearson. What's wrong with that? Well, in my federal indictment, it says Steve Pearson, a.k.a. Stevie Blue Eyes, because the guy in black mask, Gennaro Angulo, he gave me the nickname Stevie Blue Eyes. Now, OK, now that I like.

Right. So it's like if you get brought up as Stevie Pearson or whatever name you choose that's a real name and doesn't sound like you're doing like 1980s comic view, then you tell me the story that your nickname on the streets was Stevie Blue Eyes because blah, blah, blah. Now I'm fucking – I love that. I want to hear that. But I don't want to hear it. Yeah, I see exactly what you're saying.

You can be Steve Pearson and talk about Stevie Blue Eyes, but you can't be Stevie Blue Eyes and talk about Steve Pearson. Nobody wants to hear about that boring fuck. You know what I mean? And even you can become Stevie Blue Eyes in your act. You know what I mean? You can become like Tater Salad, or you can become like, you know what I'm saying?

No, that's Ron White's thing. And then he sells these shirts that say, they call me Tater Salad, you know, so you can be that. I just would be a real person. I just feel like it sets you on like, like, if we're all at zero when they just announce our names, when you when they announce your name, you're like negative 10 already. Right. Like, who the fuck is Steve? Right. Unless it's Vegas in my work.

Because now it's like everybody knows who's blue. Like, it's like on that. Who's everybody? What are you talking about feel like, too, because now it's like everybody knows me as Blue Eye. Who's everybody? What are you talking about? Hey, all morning. I had never heard of you until you came up right now. Every small-time drug dealer in the Boston neighborhood that I grew up in knows me as Stevie Blue. How am I going to change my name?

I can't go back on it now. No, you're going to make it because you're so interesting and it's funny and you and how long you've been Doing comedy. I got out of prison April 30th Yeah, forget it I like that you have your whole calendar is based on when you got out of prison everything about she's good Like you're gonna make it and that's TV. Like who's your favorite comedian currently working that is has a name like Stevie blue eyes No, but Johnny Nobody out there. There's no like Heisenberg doing comedy currently working that has a name like Stevie Blue Eyes? Johnny Lopez. There's nobody out there. There's no Heisenberg doing comedy.

That's what I'm saying. Nobody goes by their crime name. Frankie Left Eye. Frankie Left Eye Lopez. I gotta bring up Left Eye. Oh, man. Rest in peace. Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Stevie, what do you like to do for fun? Because you seem like a fucking classy guy. I don't think we're that far. I ate Italian fucking pasta all week. I'd imagine that now... She tried his mom's sauce. It's really good. You're not Italian, are you?

Brian's been hearing about this sauce all week. I'm Italian and Swedish That's that Pearson. Yeah, that's a blue eyes Yeah, I got a clothing sponsor now Boston Scali Co. Wait, you have a clothing sponsor. Yeah, I'm doing things things have escalated Kill Tony episode. I love it. That's what happens, but I'm telling you it's just the very beginning for you Yes, you know, I don't know whether it was before. You were clearly a smart person, and it seems like – All right, I wouldn't go that far.

Clearly a smart person. Clearly. You throw around that clearly a lot. I think so. And how long have you been on stand-up? A year and a half now. A year and a half. But I first did it before I went –

like when I was on trial in my federal case, I didn't stand on that. Everything is demarcated from criminal stuff. During my trial, I went on the stand and did 15 minutes, you know, killed it, dropped the mic afterwards. They're like, you're guilty. I'm like, what the fuck? How long have you been speaking English, Stevie? Oh, you know, well, before the trial, it was about 23 years, and since the trial, about two and a half years. But it was. It was before I, it was about 23 years. And since the trial, about two and a half years. But it was.

It was before I... It was during that time. I went up a few times. So I was in kind of comedy mode when I went into prison. So it was time to... We all are. We all are. But it helped because you could kind of be in that mode to, like, recognize bits of premise,

things that are funny you could bring out after. So thank God I was even in that sort of mode to kind of just at least remember certain things. And you seem like a clean, clean cut guy. Like I'd imagine that when you were in prison, you would pick up the soap that other people dropped just to use it to get cleaner while the other guy was getting butt fucked. Yeah, I looked different. I had a shaved head.

I was, yeah, I looked different then. You looked different. He's like, I had a shaved head. I used the N word. I mean, I think you're different. I had my eyes closed. Because it's true. You have to blend in there with the, I've watched a lot of those shows on MSNBC, so I know about the prison life.

You know what I mean? Like I may as well have already spent a few years there. Yeah, you don't want to stand out. You definitely don't want to stand out. I think you should change your name to like Stevie Astigmatism. Yeah, that's the last thing you want. If you get big on blue eyes, if blue eyes becomes your thing, all of a sudden you're out you're in Boston visiting the family

Christmas time, an icicle comes down, takes out your eye, then you're Stevie Blue Eye. Yeah, I'm done. Honestly though, like you I said the first guy is going to make money. The second guy is going to make it. I don't know about the third guy yet,

but you are going to be like a headliner. I could see you being actually a famous person. It's like you've got so much perspective and character. It's unfair how much character you have and persona you have at the amount of time you've been doing stand-up. It's actually disgusting. I don't like it about you. And that's exactly,

I think I was getting there and I got thrown off on a tangent or something. But I get the feeling that your time in prison probably forced you to grow up a lot faster than you would have and know how to control a room. Because I'm sure a lot of those people there are big and fucking crazy. Oh, yeah. I just found myself telling stories and stuff like that

in front of them to keep it kind of. Do you have a podcast? You'd be probably. No, I think I'm going to get one started. There's a couple people. That owe you favors? Yeah. Not over here.

I know a couple guys in the podcast industry, if you know what I mean. Hey, you know, we got downloads for days. Hey, call Jimmy Lipson. Get him over here. Jimmy Lipson. Very good over here. Jimmy Lipson. Very good. That was underappreciated. Very good.

Inside podcast reference. A couple people are getting stuff together. Collecting equipment. I love it. The podfather over here. Very good. You're were great man Extremely confident

Just the material Is going to catch up To the confidence And you'll be fine You're confident already At a year and a half Because I'm more Of a storyteller

So like the minute thing Fucks me up every time Actually that was My favorite thing about you Is it was like I didn't for one second Feel like you were rushing To get to the punchline

And I was like nervous for you Because I know You know this is a harsh show, but I was just like, damn, it's kind of bold and kind of gangster and I didn't know yet that you truly were. To just sit back and just get in the pocket and be like, I'll finish when I'm

done. It was kind of cool. Totally. Absolutely. And that's an overall lesson for everything, I always feel like. I was on the road, I guess they just did another round of showcases here last week and they do them now they mix them right in the middle of the show all the big headliners do 15 minutes and in the middle of it there's like four or five people doing five minutes and I wasn't here for it but I was there like two ago

and I noticed that most people they get their five minutes and they may probably have 30 or maybe they have an hour or whatever and they go in and they try to do six minutes in five minutes and try to get everything that they can out of them not realizing that if you take your time they really you get your real timing and real cadence and that's so much funnier sometimes than just being smothered with jokes and words over and over again you're literally describing my act right now it hurts so much tony it's true though because as a comic sometimes you only have 10 minutes, but you're trying to do a 15-minute set.

In your head, you're like, I can get all 15 in, and you just end up ruining the whole 10-minute set. You should just cut out one of the main chunks. But you're doing great. That's the name of the game. You have a killer charisma. You're unstoppable. Stevie Blue Eyes, everybody.

Thank you. A.K.A. Steven Pearson. A.K.A. Don't fuck with that guy. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. They must have some old gang beef. This guy's following him. Stevie Blue Eyes just got shanked.

He dies. We're all like, you're really going to make something of yourself. This is great. All of a sudden, the last guy's girlfriend comes, stabs Stevie to death. Yeah. Oh, man. He's going to be Stevie Blue everything because the blood stops flowing

and you turn blue. He's going to put blue eyes everywhere. Joey Libsyn was a really good joke. That was a good one. Let's reflect on that. Thanks a lot, guys. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is a very, very, very, very, very funny guy. He had his first appearance just a few weeks ago as well.

It's a lucky bucket tonight. It's another good one. I think this is his third time ever on this show. Put your hands together for Darren Davis, everybody. All right, thank you. Appreciate it. I'm from the Valley. We know for one thing.

That's pornos. Well, I kind of get portioned over my pornos when I watch it. I'll be like, hold up. That's my bus stop where they're picking that chick up. And then I look a little bit deeper. And I was like, wait, hold up. That's the weed shop I get weed from. And it's cool when you go in the weed shops in the Valley.

They give you certain new things when it's your first time patient. Sometimes it gives you an extra weed pipe, sometimes extra weed. And if you're cool enough, they'll let you fuck his wife in the back. First time patients only, though. I wish I was a first time patient all the time. But I'm not. Kind of sucks. But I only smoke weed for one reason, and that's to keep my lips black.

You know? Taking blunts to the face every day. Just for once. But I started smoking bulls. Because they make my lungs a little bit cleaner. Because they blacker than me now. I'm like, this is kind of bullshit. I mean...

Is there more to that or is that where it ends? That's where it ends. I got the cat. Alright, gotcha. Darren Davis. Yeah, man. We had him the week before on the Death Squad Ice House show. You did great there. Did you have a good set that night?

Yeah, I had a real good set. I enjoyed it. That was a lot of fun having you on the podcast and everything. Thanks for having me. Good job again, man. Yeah. I would add more to that final thing. You know, it's almost there where, like, you have it. Like, your lungs are blacker than you, you know. So what are they doing that's blacker than you?

They're smoking. Your lungs ever give you a mixtape? Right. Right. Exactly. Right. Exactly. Yeah. They'll try to sell you a mixtape outside of your favorite club or whatever. Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah. Like, you know. Your lungs are blacker than you. Like, sometimes you'll be at a restaurant and your brain will be like, you want whatever the – right fuck it and then your lungs are like no i want chicken and waffles that's how black i am because i'm his black lungs i uh one of the uh it's it was funny that we were just talking about rushing because i felt like right after we did that i felt like you were rushing yeah especially that joke about the uh the weed guy was well first of all i'll say i didn that, I felt like you were rushing. Especially that joke about the weed guy.

Well, first of all, I'll say I didn't understand the word that you were saying. You said, I get very something about the pornos in the Valley. I get personal. Personal. They feel personal to me. That I didn't understand. I literally couldn't hear you saying it because you were rushing. And you stepped on that word.

But then mostly it was the punchline of he'll let you fuck his wife in the back. First time customers only. It was like you were scared the laugh wasn't coming. And so you jumped to the next punchline. But it's like if you just sit back, hey, you're fucking his wife in the back. And if that doesn't get a laugh, then, hey, it wasn't funny. And then you do the next thing. I just felt like you could have taken your time.

Yeah, I agree. You can still have a lot of energy, that energy that you have, and still in a way take your time in between the jokes, if that makes sense. Yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? Like a year now, a year and a half. Right. You doing a lot of spots?

Yeah. This is like my second mic of the night. Gotcha. What do you do for work? I work at Macy's, just chilling. How is your Black Friday? You work at Macy's just chilling? Well, I work in the back, like stocking stuff, so I could play music a little bit, you know?

That's cool. You got a hookup on Ferragamo's at all? I don't have a hookup on nothing. Ferragamo's? Yeah, I'm trying to get some $800 shoes out of the back of the Macy's thing. I'll compliment you more. Why don't you give me a spot and I hook you up?

I don't have spots. Whoa. Ever since you've been here. I can get you a job at a donut shop. That's the spot the mayor of donut city over here what do you mean a spot oh you need a spot

okay where do you want a spot you want the spot at the end all of a sudden Moshe's become the Willy Wonka of donuts over here everybody's like I want the golden ticket something else I forgot you're at the weed shop is that true you smoke a lot of weed Everybody's like, I want the golden ticket. Something else I was going to... I forgot, but yeah.

You're at the weed shop. Is that true? You smoke a lot of weed? Well, yeah. I smoke some weed. I love it. It did really smell like a dispensary the second you walked on stage. It really just reeked like some sort of a kush.

Yeah. Immediately. Yeah. Did you smoke right before you came up here? No, like maybe an hour ago. You smoked before. I love these guys that never smoke pot are like, oh, it's an hour ago. He just smoked pot.

Everybody else is like, oh, just smoke pot means like in the last 10 minutes, basically. Like there's a weird comedian. All right. I guess I don't mean to start a rally or anything. Jesus. Like, there's a weird comedian. All right, I guess I don't mean to start a rally or anything. Jesus.

Not to say that you don't do well or you didn't do well, but, like, do you get high before every set? Being a year and a half in, I mean, it's a very difficult time for a comic because you're finding out about yourself. You're really trying to get comfortable. Some people think that marijuana makes it easier, but really when you're first starting off and you're getting up this many people, it's like to kind of like go up clear headed. Like do you do that or? And I also, and if I can jump on that, agreeing with it and also saying, I think where it

affects people the most is in exactly what we were talking about with timing. I think I've noticed that, you you know because i am a pot smoking comedian that does this like every night and smokes pot and measures out how far away from my set i want to smoke it depending on the show and who's on it and where my spot is but the math is never right still tony you never know sometimes you have a joint an hour before a show and it fucks you up oh sure right it's it's honestly something that I used to do but then I have stopped and then once in a while do it. It does fuck up your timing though. Don't they say

taking a shot or something? Isn't that nice? You know I've never been on stage high or drunk ever. Really? Yeah, no, never. Not at all? Not at all. You never had a drink and then went on stage? No, I stopped doing drugs and drinking when I was 15. Wow. I went to rehab. I have a lot of problems. If Stevie Blue Eyes is still here,

I can use some help with it. No, but so I just don't relate to the relationship between being on stage and drinking. Well, how is it, how far before a set do you cut yourself? Like about seven inches. Like about seven inches. Right. You cut the clit.

I cut the clit. I cut that guy's girlfriend's clit. But I feel like it would be nice to be able to take a drink and be loose. But am I wrong? It goes both ways. It really depends because, you know. We had our host in Ohio. Well, I mean, that guy's not really.

That was a fucking. That never happens. Well, exactly. That guy was a fucking joke. We had a guy who was supposed to be our host of our show in Ohio who ate too much weed. And then when we were supposed to start the show, we're like, where the fuck is he? He got in his car and drove away in fear because he started tripping out. By the way, I love that we're like talking about like addiction and the relationship

of weed to the performer. You've never answered whether you get high a lot or not. He hasn't answered your original question. Do you smoke high a lot or not. He hasn't answered your original question. Do you? Do I smoke weed a lot? Yes. No, before you go on stage. Do you go on stage high a lot? It doesn't really matter. Yeah, I smoke weed. Don't tell me if it matters, okay?

We're telling you that it matters. Yes, I smoke weed when I get on stage. Wow. I'm very disappointed. When you get on stage? Oh, no, not right now. What I would say is just, I mean, because you did feel like you were rushing stuff And I mean when I smoke pot, I don't know about you guys in the audience But sometimes especially before a show it just can really you get inside your head you get you know You you might fuck your jokes up. You might forget something or you might speed it one of those crazy things like it

Did something it'll three a little bit off It's not gonna wreck everything if you know what you're if you if you know like what your depends on what you're doing You know what I mean if you're trying to riff it sometimes it's the adverse effect to where you walk on fucking water Sometimes while high or after having a drink or something, but everybody's different and everybody's just wired completely differently It's just so interesting to hear you guys talk about this. I just feel so jealous of comedians that go up, and they're high, because I remember when I used to get high, everything was funny, it just felt like light, easy breezy, and I'm clearly wrong,

because I just have a relationship with it from when I was just a kid, but I just feel like, oh, I could just riff, I riff every new joke. If I didn't smoke pot, I couldn't. I don't smoke at all. I just don't do anything. But you don't think, because that was when you were 15,

that grown up you could maybe have a puff of a joint. This is where Brian breaks people's sobriety. Are you sure? You don't just want a little bit of this heroin that I'm cooking? It's like after this conversation, I'm like, yeah, you know what? Maybe you're right, Brian. And then like three years later, you take my name out of the bucket. Oh, here's an old friend.

Fuck, that's hilarious. Darren, anything else? What's the craziest thing that you've Googled porn-wise? Searched porn-wise. Craziest thing. Craziest porn that you've watched. Craziest porn. That you've finished to.

How about that damn man you just changed questions all throughout this shit alright the craziest porn that I've finished to you know cause I gotta change so many pornos cause I can't finish to one probably black dudes fucking little white girls little white girls?

blacken is actually what it's called it's called blacken little white girls there's a few guys out here that know exactly what I'm talking about a lot of people want to admit it Black black it is actually what it's called. It's called black Guys out here that know exactly what I'm talking about. How do people want to admit it black the second is it's called black I love that To me and well, yeah You ever see tushy there's a sex between black and white girls hey, I got a Got a porn question. Yeah, what's gay er? I got a porn question what's gayer

jerking off to gay porn to completion or making out with a man both making out with a man you say what do you think Tony because at least you can imagine that guy's really just got a really ugly

vagina yeah I'd have to go with making out with a man guy's really just got a really ugly vagina that you're, you know. Yeah, I'd have to go with making out with a man. There's something about finishing to two guys butt fucking that seems a little bit gayer. Wait, you're saying

jerking off to the gay porn is gayer? Wait, wasn't that the question? What's gayer? Jerking off to gay porn to completion or making out with a real man? How long is the make out? Because we're going to completion with the jerk off. So how long is the make out? Are we talking about, you know, fucking.

To completion. You make out to completion. Make out with a man until you cum. I think making out with a dude is one of the most masculine shit you can do. I didn't say kiss. Hey, but I didn't think. Kiss. You know what?

I didn't say masculine or feminine. I didn't say kiss. Hey, but I didn't think. Kiss, kiss. You know what? I didn't say masculine or feminine. I didn't say masculine or feminine. It's a draw because every time I've made out with a man, I've jerked off to completion. I thought you were going to say you've made out to gay boy, which is a nice image of you looking over his shoulder as you kind of boredly make out. I'm like, uh-huh, honey.

I love it. Darren Davis. Good job, man. So great to see you again. There he goes. He's on Twitter, KingDCity, all one word. KingDCity. Guys, this is the part of the show where we bring up our one regular.

This one person doesn't even have to sign up for the bucket. She doesn't even get pulled out of the bucket. She has an automatic spot because she gets built week after week here with a brand new 60 seconds. It's her spot. This week is no different. Put your hands together for her. It's the Kill Tony regular. The one and only Melissa Esslinger, everybody.

Thank you. Growing up on a military base is like growing up with a PSA as your nanny. I grew up on a military base is like growing up with a PSA as your nanny. I grew up on a military base where they made their own commercials because they weren't allowed to advertise overseas. And we had things like Squeakers, the safety hamster. And it always goes so much better when I write. And then I...

Yeah, so I went to school on a military base when George W. Bush was president. Somebody clapped. And in sixth grade, we went on a field trip to the movie theater to see Harry Potter. The nanny was George Bush, or the nanny's boss was George Bush at the time.

All right, I thought that was funny. That's it. 58 seconds of thunder and lightning from Melissa Esslinger. What are you saying there? George W. Bush, I don't think we know what you were saying. I was confused the whole time. Keep going. Explain it to us like you're not trying to do a joke.

Well, I just... George W. Bush what? Start from there. So I've been thinking about how, like, growing up on a military... I've been realizing that, like, I was, like, softly brainwashed growing up. And then I thought about it and I was like, wait a second. I lived on a military base from 2000 to 2008. I don't know how much Bush actually had to do with anything that I was growing up with.

But he was technically in charge of the government when I was growing up. And I don't know. He's kind of silly. That's one word for him. The Iraqi people are like, he is silly person. Yeah. I guess I would describe him as silly man. Brings our land much giggles.

Your nervousness has calmed down a lot. This is the least shaky that I've seen you. Oh, no shit. Yeah, this is a vast improvement over the past seven or eight weeks. Because I actually had a thought about your nervousness while you were up there. I was aroused. It works. No, first of all, I think it's bold of you to come up here wearing a Stevie Blue Eyes outfit.

I thought that was cool. Yeah. But I was thinking to myself like, wow, this person is so nervous like you'll never shake it. Not in a bad way. Not in a bad way, actually. You're going to get to this phase where I feel like, I'm guessing,

you're going to sink into it and it's going to become part of your persona on stage. The nervousness isn't going away. And so you shouldn't even try to fight against it. You should try to embrace it, I almost to like kind of try to embrace it i almost agree i agree and uh you know it definitely what's interesting is yeah you know this was a tough week as far as obviously your jokes working but what well i mean i mean but what stood out which is just as important because we've had

two regulars on this show before and we've seen them, you know, we saw them over two years try this minute thing every week. And sometimes not only would they not get laughs on their jokes, but they also wouldn't even be able to break the ice like you were able to do on both. This thing goes easier when I write. You broke the room and you broke it on his laugh with your nervousness. Like, oh, that guy laughed. That's amazing and it's different and nobody else is like that. So I completely agree. But the joke, though. We have to

get down to the meat of the joke. The joke was just that you think that Bush was your boss or that brainwashed you? That was the funny part? You grew up on a military base, so they were telling you that George Bush is a good person the entire time. Well mean not directly but of course that's the you can't disrespect there's pictures of him hanging up everywhere you go in school and the store

right grocery store the gas station and how does that make you feel? Makes me feel like reading books upside down. I think... See what happens when I don't just answer right away? And this is what, when you're writing, this is what you have to ask yourself. You know? That's what you're saying things. You're explaining it.

Yeah. And you just have to keep asking yourself questions about it. Yeah. How does it make me feel? What did that look like? What did that smell like? You know explaining it. Yeah. And you just have to keep asking yourself questions about it. Yeah. How does it make me feel? What did that look like? What did that smell like? You know, whatever. I mean, you just got to get into it.

That's what writing is. It's not some magical thing where your hand's moving on paper and you're just writing about different things. You have to get into it. You know what I mean? Like, it's not easy to do. Bill Burr just doesn't wake up and it just starts fucking every single thing he writes is brilliant. You know, he writes a lot of stuff starts fucking every single thing he writes is brilliant.

He writes a lot of stuff about a single topic and he keeps asking himself. It's what everybody does. I'm just saying Bill Burr is a human being that is flesh just like anybody. Not my Billy. But it's working at chipping away at that thing. You have to ask yourself

what is it about the military base that people should know and just how it made you feel? You don't need to pander to their – you don't need to make a George W. Bush joke just because that's easy. George W. Bush is the least interesting part of you living on a military base. So don't try to take it an easy way out. You know what I mean? You don't have to pander for these morons. They're going to stay along with you somehow.

They did the entire show. You guys have been a great audience. And then, you know, so it's like you could let it rip. And you could take note from a lot of the people that were up here tonight about that whole timing cadence, take your time thing. Because you sit on your beats with that nervous energy, you're unstoppable. That's funny. And if it's half cooked, don't say it on stage. Because it seemed like that whole story

just was like a half cooked idea with no tags or jokes. If it's half cooked and that's all that you have, you can absolutely say it on stage. You're trying to write a new 60 seconds every week and we're here to help you. Thank you. And it's not going to be easy. I say if it's half cooked, say half of the joke

and then abandon it. I've done that before. I mean, writing on stage is something that's hard to do. Not everyone can do it. I've done it a few times where I had an idea, tried to do it on stage, and it worked. But 99% of those times it didn't work. And then I had to bail on that and go to something that did. It seemed like it was kind of like you were trying to figure out what was funny.

But she doesn't ever get to bail out. She doesn't get to bail out and do something that works. Well, that's why you have to do mics all week. You have to practice this joke twice before you take it to a kill Tony. Have you been doing other mics? Not this past weekend. You have to be at least going up

two or four times because that seemed like something that you wrote down on a napkin and just tried to... Whoa, Brian's going to beat you after this, Melissa. Brian is going to beat you with his microphone.

Hey, Stevie Blue Eyes, get back here. Get out of here, Stevie. Figure this woman's clit. This is the first break that I've taken since I started. There are no breaks. What do you do? I was writing the whole time, but I wasn't going up.

This is the easiest job you'll ever attempt at having in your entire life. I just mean I didn't get up while I was out of town because of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving? I mean, hey, come on. I didn't take a break for the first seven years, but yeah, you should take breaks. Absolutely. I used to take breaks like a motherfucker. I didn't completely break. I was riding. I cleaned my car. Oh, you cleaned your car?

Why didn't you talk about that? I should have. What was that like? Oh my god. Because you seem like you're a little fucking sloppy troll. Am I right? You're gonna be such a good father, Tony. Go clean your car, you sloppy troll.

It was bad. It was bad. What was the creepiest thing that you found in your dirty car? Creepiest? Yeah. I don't know about creepiest, but Was it? I mean, there was Looking back in the names to find the one that slept in his van.

I had to peel a granola bar off of a t-shirt. That's pretty gross. Oh, I guess the worst part was I did find a wrapper from an ice cream bar that I had when I moved to LA. That's funny. Which is like six months ago.

Something about like something, something, blah, blah, blah. Back before I stopped eating ice cream, blah, blah, blah. Eating disorder, blah, blah, blah. LA, something like that. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. What? Oh, who are your favorite comedians?

I mean, I have a lot of favorite comedians. Like who do you like? I look up to Bill Byrd, Louis C.K., Mark Maron, Dave Chappelle. I'm thinking, does a nervous thing make sense to you? You're never going to be Bill Byrd. Obviously, I'm not saying comedically.

I'm saying the way Bill's energy is, he's swinging for the fences, he's a fucking brash, confident kind of asshole. That's just never going to be you. You know what I mean? Maria Bamford and people like that, Kirsten Shaw, people like that, like people that take their

kind of jittery energy and hone it into a comedic voice, I think that's what, it's either going to be quit or that. Those are the two kind of things. I don't see you becoming like, you know, Sebastian. You know what I mean?

There's a comedian out of San Francisco named Jesse Elias. I'd like you know Sebastian you know I mean there's a comedian out of San Francisco named Jesse Elias I'd like you to watch him extremely great writer but he's so nervous on stage he doesn't even make eye contact with the audience he's so nervous he has

Asperger's it was a tough one so nervous it's clinical I hope not this is always gonna be hard it's very hard to write not. This is always going to be hard. It's very hard to write and perform. But you're right. Jesse's just a good example. Very hard to write and perform a brand new minute every single week.

And sometimes it's going to be a little bit harder than other times. And keep working. You've got to hit those mics in the middle of the week. Melissa Esslinger, everybody. Yeah. She's on Twitter at Melissa Esslinger. Ryan J. Ebel drew tonight's episode. Here it is.

Right here. This is what it looks like. Wow. Look at that. Oh, my goodness. That's very efficient. Nailed it. Ryan J. Ebel.

At Ryan J. Ebel. Go to RyanJEbel.com and buy a print. You know the dates. December 9th through the 12th. San... San Francisco Punchline. Go to... Yeah, come the dates. December 9th through the 12th. San... San Francisco Punchline. Go to... Yeah, come see me.

December 9th through the 12th. San Francisco Punchline. My home club. If you're a San Francisco listener, come up with me. December 14th in Lyric Theater. We'll also be at Bonnaroo this year. Whoa! We'll be at the Maui Comedy Festival.

It's going to be all over. Outside land. It's going to be a good year, guys. Yeah. Live audience, thank you so much. Make some noise for yourself. Prove to the podcast listeners that you exist. You did

it. That's another episode of Kill Tony. Thank you. Pictures. Great job, man. I'm glad that I joined. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. funny good episode Thank you.