KILL TONY - KILL TONY #136

Episode Date: January 5, 2016

Jeff Garlin, Doug Benson, Melissa Eslinger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Josh Martin, Melissa Eslinger, Pat Regan, Vanessa Johnston, Brian Redban - Date: 12/21/2015 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Good morning, ladies. what you're listening to right now. Kill Tony every Monday at the Comedy Store. Every Tuesday we got Verbal Violence, which is roast battle at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room. Every Friday we have the Ice House Death Squad Comedy Show where we have a bunch of Death Squad regulars, people from Kill Tony, headliners. It's a lot of fun. And that's every Friday at the Ice House

in Pasadena, California. Me and George Perez are coming to Brea, California, January 22nd, 23rd, and 24th. It's a Death Squad weekend at Brea Improv, bringing a bunch of Death Squad surprises. We have surprise guests that you might know from Death Squad and a bunch of cool things happening there. So go to deathsquad.tv, click on Tour Dates. Don't forget to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com that has all his merchandise

and tour dates, and ShopSquad.TV for all the official Death Squad merchandise. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 3. Get up for Tony Hickscliff. Yeah, hey, yeah. Hi, everybody.

Volume 3, what are you talking about? Hi, everyone. Welcome, everybody. Come on in. Make yourselves cozy. Happy Monday, live audience. How are you guys? Fuck yeah. I like that half-ass energy in this room right now. That's fun. Keep it going for Pat Reagan, everybody.

Playing some of his more emotional stuff to get the audience pumped up tonight. Not really the warm-up part, but definitely a performance. Pat, how you doing over there? Looks like casual Pat tonight. You got the glasses, the ball cap. This is new. I'm good, man.

I love it. All right. Fuck yeah. That's all we're going to get from Pat. Ryan J. Ebel is missing in action right now. He's out in Texas visiting family for Christmas where we're going to be this Saturday and Sunday. Live Kill Tonys from Austin and Dallas.

Get your tickets now at spiderhouseaustin.com and hyenascomedynightclub.com or something like that. It's the easiest way. Just go to deathsquad.tv, click on tour dates. Yeah, do that. We're there this Saturday and Sunday live doing the show that you guys are at, at its home field, right now.

Fuck yeah. It's a live show, baby. Anything can happen. And we have fun every Monday, and that's pretty much just about it. I'm going to be headlining Caroline's in New York City the first weekend in February. That's a first.

Oh, yeah. That's a first. Thank you. So, for all of you that are from New York and listening in New York, that's where I'm going to be. First weekend in February. Don't you have better news that you announced today? Yeah, but I'm not

going to announce it here. I'm going to announce it annoyingly every single week after this. But not on this one. Anyway, hi everybody. Let's have some fun, shall we? You guys ready for a crazy night or what? You know

what happens here. Every single week a bunch of people sign up to do comedy in front of some of their favorite comedians and us and we talk to them about their performance and maybe other things that these new young rising comedians can talk about in their lives. So, just like with every other week,

I have two of the funniest comedians in the world here to talk with them. Put your hands together for them. It's Jeff Garland and Doug Benson, everybody. Woo! Keep it going, just keep it going. He's coming. Doug Benson, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah. Sit over here, Doug. Where's Jeff? Jeff Garland, everybody! Here he is Live in the flesh I fell asleep It's a very relaxing green room It's a really chill green room

It's very mellow back there Yeah so I was just chilling. What do you want from me? Yeah, so there you go. Hi, Jeff. Welcome back. And then I had to come up to Su Su Studio. You a big Phil Collins fan?

Actually, you know, his first solo album and like a couple of the Genesis albums are pretty good. Trouble is Jeff's parents were murdered to that song. So it's always sad for him. It's a spin on, remember... You are so fucking high right now. You know how Sarah Silverman... I'm smelling your wind looking at you. You know Sarah Silverman's joke

when whatever they play her on with, she says, I was raped to that song? Like, that's her opener? Yeah, so you thought you'd do a version of it. I did a twist on it. Yeah. Your parents were murdered to Sue Sue Studio. Speaking of music that makes you feel like you're being raped,

did you guys get to hear Pat Reagan at all tonight? Oh, he was killing it. Yeah. Yeah. Killing what? The energy in the room before the show started? It's the best performance I've heard through a closed door in my entire life. So good. It put Jeff to a closed door in my entire life. So good.

It put Jeff to sleep over there in the other room. Yeah, and that's a great compliment for music. You want a music that will help you go to sleep. Maybe that could be your niche, Pat, the lullaby album selection. You know, just put people to rest with your rock and roll. The James Taylor genre. Woo, it got quiet. Yeah, yeah, James Taylor genre. Woo, it got quiet. We heard it got quiet.

No need to ask if we heard it. We love it. Only you can summon that kind of silence, Pat. It's incredible. Can you do an acoustic Susu Studio right now? I don't know. I don't think you can. No, I couldn't. I challenge you. And I removed that challenge.

Fuck yeah. Well, we couldn't. I challenge you. And I remove that challenge. Fuck yeah. Well, we're going to have some fun. Challenge rescinded. You guys have both done this show before, both two of our favorite returning guests. You guys know how it works. Comedians, you get six. I don't remember how it works.

All right. It's not like it was a strong memory of my past. I was here here and I enjoyed myself, so I'm back. The last show you were on was with Sinbad. Yeah, he was funny and nice. Yeah, he's great. He's a good guy? Yeah, he is a good guy. Nice. Yeah, that was nice.

No, you know what I mean? It's good to hear. It is good to hear. It's hard to be... It's hard to be cool. It's hard to be cool with a name like Sinbad. It's grandiose. Yeah, it seems like two negative words, like both sin and bad, but he's such a good guy. Anyway,

so... It is weird that he does clean comedy and his name is Sin and Bad. Exactly. Jeff, I'll remind you how things go. A bunch of comedians in the back of the room, they sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted by getting their name pulled out of this bucket. That's right.

I think it's stupid. No, you loved it last time you were on. No, no, 60 seconds is bullshit, man. It's pretty quick. It's too quick. What is this, Make Me Laugh, you know, the rerun or whatever? No one saw that. But it's not about the performance.

It's just getting to know them so that then we can talk to them about anything in the world okay well it's fine whatever and they get 60 they get 60 seconds uninterrupted comedians you know i don't just ruin your podcast yeah i know you're uniformly uh ruinacious by the way do you know how many people came up to me about the Traverse City show? A lot of people came up to me. What would they say when they came up to you? That they loved it. That was really fun.

That's interesting. So the ones that didn't like it were probably kept quiet and walked by. Yeah, that's what usually happens. The people who think I suck don't stop me. They don't say anything, yeah. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. You were annoying on that show.

No, that doesn't happen generally. Generally. It happens on Twitter. Yeah. Of which where I don't have, I'm not there. You don't dwell? Yeah, I noticed that. I had like 150,000 some odd followers and I just deleted it.

Oh. I did it about a year and a half ago. What made you do that? Yeah, Twitter's stupid. Would you still do it if you knew that 150,000 people all perished? No, I would not. You killed all of them.

If I actually knew that my deleting my account, everyone who followed me died because of it, I would not delete my account. I would certainly think about it. Anyway, guys, so again, back on the track

we go. Thanks, Doug, for steering it the opposite direction. Why don't you say this? Thanks, hi guy. Genocide is fun, especially if it's just one button push. What the fuck are you talking about? What is this? This is the stupidest shit.

Jeff, you're still asleep. I know. By the way, for those of you who don't know, I just want to make it clear, I love Doug Benson. So no matter what I say to him tonight, just know I love him. Yeah, just know that, you guys, because it's going to get super ugly. But you know it too, you fucking loser. We've been friends 100 fucking years. It's true. too, you fucking loser. We've been friends a hundred fucking years.

It's true. The comedians sign up for 60 seconds. They know their 60 seconds is up when they hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, is that what it was last time? Did you hear that? Yeah. That's sweet. It's adorable. But they have to wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Okay. Wow. Brian. You're there with a firearm. No, it's a bear that was murdered because it was at the comedy store. It's an armed bear. Wandering around and they shot an armed bear. at the comedy store wandering around and they shot

an arm bear. I actually remember the last time that you were on the show, Jeff, you said that the angry West Hollywood bears should just sound like

rawr, like that. Oh, yeah, like a gay bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun and easier. Yeah.

And it also wouldn't hurt my ears as much as that last thing. Yeah. Who doesn't like a good West Hollywood gay bear? That's right. Well, a bear, it Who doesn't like a good West Hollywood gay bear? That's right.

Well, a bear means you're like a big... Like, I'd be big... If I was gay, I'd be big in the bear community. Yeah. That's like the... You're bearish because, you know, you're always losing weight. You're looking good. Yeah.

But I learned that from John Waters. Giant bear. That I'd be big in the bear community. I didn't know what it was until he told me. I wonder what it was they taught me because I wasn't going to school to learn the world of gayness. But he told me about this. I worked with him. Yeah.

Okay, let's go. Leonardo DiCaprio gets raped by a bear in The Revenant. Is that true? No, but it looks like it's raping him. It's just mauling and murdering him. All right, I pulled the name out of the bucket. We're going to give this guy 60 seconds uninterrupted. Ready for it?

Put your hands together for the stylings of a guy named Anthony Calhoun. Anthony, you're taking a long time to start. Wait, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. We don't talk during this part. This is the one part that you can't talk at, Jeff. All right. Anthony Calhoun, everybody. Come on, round of applause. Thank you.

Anthony Calhoun everybody come on, round of applause Anthony that won't count that won't count against you we'll start it fresh Anthony Calhoun everybody come on alright so

I'm sure that some of you know or have heard of Richard Simmons. If you're as old as I am or older, you remember back in the day on those VHS tapes, they had the sweating to the oldies. I thought it would be kind of cool if they brought back Richard Simmons, except for they could call it sweating to the newties. Oh, that just sounds like a porn. Fuck, I'm pretty high right now.

I heard that Doug Benson was probably going to be here, so I smoked weed, which was probably a bad idea because it's really fucking with my set. Did you just give yourself the cat? He gave his own cat. Oh, my God, I've never seen that in 140 episodes. You chose to do this shit. Don't blame yourself.

Don't blame others. You seem nervous. You okay? Yeah, I'm pretty fucking nervous. Are you freaking out from the pot? No, no, no. No, he'd be worse if it wasn't for the pot. He'd be really shaking if he didn't get high first.

I have one question in terms of high first. I have one question in terms of his material. I have a lot of them. Okay. The first question is they should bring back Richard Simmons. They should call it...

Who are they? Fucking the Illuminati. The Illuminati. Wow. Who are heavily involved in Richard Simmons' career. I love this. For how nervous you are,

you had a really cocky answer there. The Illuminati, Jeff. What's wrong with you? The conspiracy comic. I put on my best sweatpants to do this performance this evening. Are those chef's pants? They are, actually. Are you a chef?

I used to clean kitchens. Wait, you recognize those as chef pants? They are chef pants. Are those the pants worn by Jean Favreau in the movie of the same name? No. Wait, wait, hold on a second. You call him Jean Favreau? Jean Favreau.

That's awesome. Wow, chef pants. I never heard of such a thing. Oh, well, yeah, it's a whole thing. Chef's pants look exactly like that. Can I... Little did I know that the people that scrub the floors also wear the same pants. Like, that seems a little bit off.

It's like how the nurses also wear surgeon stuff. Get out of that surgeon stuff immediately. Thanks, Jeff. Just for you listeners who've never seen Tony, he's a handsome boy. So, listen, man. So, listen, man. You got fucked at the start by Jeff And his bullshit

And you got high as an excuse Like you know Try it again sometime Without getting high first You know I did it for a long time without getting high But I was able to Work my way into it Here's another piece of advice

Even if you would have killed your entire 60 seconds, I wouldn't even have noticed it because I was so mesmerized at how unbathed you look. No, to me, he looks completely bad. Are you talking about the comments on his shirt? You showered today. You look clean.

He looks clean to me. No, no, no. I took a really fucking quick shower and I literally ran down here. So you're wet. That's what's going on. Did your hair get wet in the shower? Briefly. Come on. Tell the truth here.

Tell the truth. He doesn't smell bad. How do you know? That's not close enough. I can smell Brian's breath from here. Can we cut to the core? Can I just get to the core with him? What's your name again, Brian?

Anthony. Anthony. I'm stuck with it. Oh, you said Brian. That's Brian right there, yeah. So, Anthony, what are your dreams? What do you want out of life? Shit, man, there's a lot.

Honestly, if you really want to get the whole perspective it's pretty broad but i just want to fucking make people laugh and hopefully get paid for it whether that ends up being directly with comedy as stand-up or like improv like sketch writing or okay i was gonna say it's not like you're gonna have a fallback like you shouldn't have a fallback you should just dive in in. It's all. Yeah. Can I be honest with you? You got kind of a funny persona. Good luck. Yeah.

No, no. There are people who like say that shit. I just in my head. I go, oh, dear God. I'm not saying, oh, dear God. I'm saying, oh, maybe. I don't know. Where are you from, Anthony?

Most recently, Nebraska. Hold on a second. Yeah. Where are you from? Most recent.. Hold on a second. Wow, yeah. Where are you from most recently? So where you're from changes? Well, I was born in Alaska, raised in Oregon, and then after high school I went to a different place. Were you born in Oregon?

No, born in Alaska. In Alaska. See, that's the most interesting answer that you could give. I was, I'm from San Diego. No, you were born in fucking Alaska Alaska go with that one That's my starter advice That is terrific advice

It really is because you're already interesting Because who's from Alaska The people that live there Say I lost my virginity in Juno You never hear that thing I lost my virginity in Juno Of 1987 Where did you lose your virginity?

Actually here in L.A. Not this time. Like 14 years ago. So you could also be funny on a podcast not knowing you're funny. Sure. Yeah, you have no idea why everybody laughed at that last thing. You always stick your tongue out when you get excited. You do like this rock and roll

thing. Do you know that? Did you know you're a character? I think yeah. I think he's got potential. He just needs to work on the writing and the shaking. Are you saying that you wouldn't have smoked pot had you not known that Doug was going to be the guest? I think he just said that

just because it's a fun thing to say. Yeah, and I'm not going to lie. I was trying to be the guest? No, I guess not. I think he just said that just because it's a fun thing to say. Yeah, and I'm not going to lie. I was trying to impress Doug. Yeah. I was probably terrible. You should impress him with the jokes. By the way, that's all it takes to impress Doug is tell him you're high.

Yeah. Well, how about that? Look at you. That's all I need, yeah. So your Richard Simmons joke, let's break that down. What was the actual joke? No, no, no, no, no.

What are you doing? What is happening? Who the fuck are you? Breaking down the rich. We don't need to break that down. We don't need's break that down. What was the actual joke? No, no, no, no. What are you doing? What is happening? Who the fuck are you? Breaking down the rich. We don't need to break that down. We don't need to break that down. What the fuck? It was nothing.

You know, I once spent an afternoon at Richard Simmons' house. Really? Yeah, in his kitchen looking at his doll collection. I spent a day in his house, yeah. Wow. It was also a day that Northwestern upset upset notre dame was like a big upset and people told me about and i couldn't say oh i didn't see the game because i was like richard simmons but i was yeah there's a there's a thing going he hasn't been seen in like i think a year

or two years recently and there's like this whole conspiracy about richard simmons like that he might be uh being changed into a girl the last couple years. You're making that shit up? No, I'm saying there's a conspiracy. I don't know why you're reading this shit. He showed up here and there the last few years. By the way, I don't like you. I don't like what you stand for. You're the problem. The music guy was bad enough, but now you?

The fuck? What kind of show do you run? You're good. Go with your dreams. Anthony Calhoun, everybody. One more time good. Go with your dreams. Anthony Calhoun, everybody. One more time for Anthony. Follow your dreams. He could already win second place in a D.C. Pearson look-alike

contest. Some slide. That was nice. You like that? Yeah. Look at that. He's got a thing on his finger. Little black snake moan. I love it. I like that. But you said you didn't like me.

Little man thimble. What's that? You said you didn't like me. I don't know you. I can't really make a definitive thing unless I have a conversation. He's just prejudging you. Yeah, but a little slide always makes everybody happy. Remember that, Brian?

Yeah. Need a little slide in your life. Put a little slide on that bear noise I'm gonna pull another name out of the bucket I encourage you to start quickly after you hit the stage put your hands together for Doug key I looked up the word homophobe, and it says it's a person who is afraid of homosexuals. But actually, there's two kinds of homophobes. You've got a person who is afraid of homosexuals and a person who is afraid of being a homosexual.

You know these guys that are talking about, they're trying to turn me gay. They want to turn me gay. They can't do that. What they can do and what they will gleefully do is turn you out, honey. You got any lightness at all in your loafers, they will find it. They will polish it up and they will roll it in glitter for you. I mean, everybody's a little bit gay because everybody masturbates and masturbation is just you getting gay with yourself.

That's about a minute, right? Yeah, it's 54 seconds. Fuck yeah. Doug Key. In his second ever Kill Tony performance. Last time we saw you was last week for the first time. Yeah. What are the odds? Weeks in a row.

Yeah. I'm lucky. What did you talk about last week? Jism. I talked about... He week? Jism. I talked about my psychiatrist told me that my problem is I couldn't love myself. But thanks to him, I found out I thought I was in love with myself, but I found out it was just a physical thing. That's a good joke. So in your first two minutes on Kill Tony, you're pretty much masturbation all the time.

Yeah, pretty much. It's from experience, you know. Yeah, right about what you know. You go with what you know. You go with what you know. But nobody wants to know about what you're doing. I mean, I think any masturbation jokes are fine, but, like, you know, that's enough. You got two minutes worth.

That's plenty. You don't really need to talk about it more. But especially the end of your one minute tonight, you know, I was dubious, questioning where it was going, and then the final line about it, how you're gay because you're fucking yourself is... Jeff just pet Doug for a moment. It was a good... Yeah, and he calmed me down. I was getting pretty excited. It was a good...

We laughed at the end, which in just a one-minute set, that's a pretty good way to do it. We found out last week from Doug that he used to... Doug was on last week, too? This Doug. This gentleman's named Doug as well. We both named Doug, and we both masturbate. But that Doug up there that's standing

used to be on tour with Stevie Wonder. He was the stage... A roadie. A roadie, yep. That's cool. Stevie Wonder. How old are you, Doug? Do you mind us asking?

I'm sorry? How old are you? Like I said, my favorite number, 69. 69 years old. 69 years old? Yes, sir. Fuck. Wow, you do not look it.

And also, I don't want to hear 69 jokes from someone who is 69. No, here's what I'm going to tell you. Fucking A, good for you. And just keep going up on stage and don't listen to anybody. Tell roadie stories. In your first two minutes, why don't listen to anybody. Tell Rhodey stories. In your first two minutes, why haven't you busted that out? Because he doesn't need to. It's two minutes, man.

That's nothing. But it's special. It's what's special about him. Start with that. No, you close with what's special, Doug. Did you ever jerk off in front of Stevie Wonder because you knew you could get away with it? See, that's fantastic. Did you like when he asked you to do something you didn't want to do, did you flip him off and stuff?

Did you take advantage of his blindness? No, but did you ever make out with him and tell him you were an ingenue? And he was all like, that's the best beard I've ever kissed. You remember anything? No, he's not into tall girls anyways. But let me just say to you, good for you, man. Good for you, you motherfucker. I think that's neat.

You're funny. I think it's a neat career change. No, but you should just go up and tell stories. And Doug's right. Tell them everything about your life, man. You've lived a life. Majority of comedians that I see now are really young, and they don't know shit, and they suck,

and they think they're smart. And you, my friend, have lived a life, and you have something to say, so go and say it. It's fucking fantastic. Now, mind you, if it's a young audience, they're not going to give a shit because they're douchebags. I think what you're getting from me is that young people can blow me.

And the point, because, by the way, let me just go with that for one second. When I was. That's right, young people, you can blow him. You are permitted to blow Jeff Garlin, young people. ID's ready. By the way, anyone who uses the term young people is just a douchebag. So take it from me, a douchebag. Fantastic.

I enjoyed you. All right. Thank you. Doug Key. Okay. I guess you get the – I guess Jeff just decides when we're done with people now. You guys just roll. Well, I want to keep the show moving.

I'll keep it moving, Jeff. We're in good hands here. Tony, I do trust you. I'm sorry with people now. You guys just roll on with it. Well, I want to keep the show moving. I'll keep it moving, Jeff. We're in good hands here. Tony, I do trust you. I'm sorry. All right. So stay there until Tony says yes. Okay, no, fuck it. Fuck it.

I'm done. Doug Key, everybody. There he goes. I like it like this. That's amazing. 69 years old. I can't believe it. That's amazing.

That's cool. That's so unbelievably cool. It's interesting that he's a. 69 years old. I can't believe that. That's amazing. That's cool. That's so unbelievably cool. It's interesting that he's a liar. I know. And he's got a lot of interesting... And a former roadie. You know what he loves, by the way? Pirates of the Caribbean, The Ride.

What was that? What was that reference? That was just a non sequitur, man. It sure was. The Ride. Ride with it. He's wearing Ryan Gosling's jacket from Drive. Oh, man.

Another promo for Doug Loves Movies. Yeah, I do love movies. I love them. I also love rides, though. Put your hands together for your next comedian I just pulled out of the bucket. Grace Lusk. All right. I just moved to Venice Beach.

Is anybody here? Ben, do you guys like Venice Beach? Give it up, yeah? No, maybe not? I love it. I love it there. The first time I worked on the boardwalk, I walked out and I immediately locked eyes with this guy who was sitting on a pile of trash.

And he looked up at me and he was like, Moses? And that wasn't it, though. He goes, Moses? Jesus? Gandhi? They're all the same dude. I was like, whoa, you are profound, Oscar the Grouch. I gave him a dollar bow to my sensei and now I have a spiritual guide.

We meet every Monday morning. I'm feeling very zen. Now, after that first interaction with him, I turned around and I bumped into this lady and she was wearing a huge backpack and she just turned to me and she was like, I got enough toilet paper for everybody! And I was like, holy shit. That is so much toilet paper for everybody. And I was like, holy shit.

That is so much toilet paper. You are a valuable ally. Take my business card. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Grace Luss. Fuck yeah. Grace Luss, I can tell you without a doubt that you're probably the only

person that's come close to getting the West Hollywood Bear that didn't. I could feel your finger moving. She's too adorable. Right about then. It's like three seconds after? Oh, great grandma's balls. Grace.

I wish I had that bear noise on the GOP debates. That'd be neat. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little over two years. Where at? Chicago. I actually just moved here. Oh, my. It just so happens to be that the king of Chicago is here right now, Jeff Garland.

The king of Chicago. Widely known as the king of Chicago. Where in Chicago? The south side. Beverly. Oh, Beverly. Look at you. And where were you working?

Is there a lot of places to perform down there? On the south side, I mostly did like stuff on the north side. Where? I ran like a monthly show at the Laugh Factory. Oh, you did? And some bar shows. All right. I like you.

Thank you. I like you too. You seem super pro to me, you know, in presentation. But for some reason, like the material wasn't landing until you did that funny voice. Right. Which was funny. And I think that the first part, like, especially when you only have a minute. But even when you're just starting your set, asking people, like, hey, what do you think of this Venice Beach?

You know, have you been there? What do you think of it? You ask, like, a series of questions. Yeah, it was a weird question. Like, what if somebody's like, I think it sucks. Then you're like, well, now you're trying to get into your bit and you got to deal with that you know so it's like other but other than that everything was super pro and i want to i want to hear more uh how long have you been in la like two months two months and you got this venice beach

thing going on because you know everybody goes there first yeah i well i just i live there so oh you live there yeah Yeah. Fancy. Not a lot of people start in Venice Beach. Talk about what you know. She lives in Venice Beach. Other dude masturbates. No, here. Can I, the material wasn't good because you made it up. What really?

No, it really, I really, that was the. No, hold on a second here. I swear to you. No, no, no. Stop. Fight, fight, fight. Collaborate. the, I swear to you, I swear. No, hold on a second here. No, no, no. Stop. Fight, fight, fight. Collaborate. No, stop.

Listen. Stop, stop, stop. Okay, let's go over what really happened. Can I do this? Let's do it, absolutely. Okay, no. Okay. You go on the beach.

All right. Well, I'm walking to the boardwalk. You're walking to the boardwalk. And I walk. Hold on and describe the man. Okay, so he was a white guy. Yeah. Bearded.

Yeah. It was like Doug on a bad day, you know? But sitting on a bunch of... On a bad day. No, the point I'm making is I didn't believe your exchange. If it is true, you're not presenting it realistically. Okay. Just use your own voice.

You're an interesting person. Okay. I think she also crammed it into a minute. No, no own voice. You're an interesting person. Okay. Yeah. I think she also like crammed it into a minute. No, no. Fuck that. Fuck that, Doug. Shut the fuck up.

Do not defend her when I'm getting them because I like her a lot. You're going to make it. You'll be fine. No, you're going to be really good. You're good. What did you really say when you're going to make it after all? No, no. I didn't say anything.

I was just like, okay. That would have been funnier. Okay. Just letting you know. I know. I'm not asking for that shit. It hasn't been working. Well, you know why it doesn't work?

Because it's not real, and I don't believe it for a millisecond. So I knew I was right, that it wasn't real. So what you did was, he said that to you, and in your head, what did you think in that moment? I said, that kind of makes sense. Then that's what you need and in your head, what did you think in that moment? I said, that kind of makes sense. Then that's what you need to say, and then what did you do? You walked on, right? And then, yeah, I did encounter that lady with the backpack after that. Okay, but I'm saying, and then what happened there?

She turned to me and she said she has enough. Okay, what was your reaction? Was it really, that's a lot of toilet paper? No. What was your reaction to the toilet paper lady? It was, holy shit. Holy shit. That's fucking weird. That I reacted that way? No, I'm saying no.

He's reacting that way now. The point I'm making is, when she told you she has enough toilet paper for everybody, you didn't say, oh, that's a lot of toilet paper. You just thought, that's fucking nuts and funny and whatever. So you should just go, that's fucking nuts, and walk on.

Those are two little interesting tidbits of your day, as opposed to adding the fucking hack shit that you don't need. You know, I'm serious. You don't need it. Because you're a genuinely funny person. You're an interesting person to listen to. So don't be afraid of what really happened. It felt a little bit like comedy from another time.

She was an excellent comedian in the 80s or 90s or something, didn't it? It's almost like improv. It was presented very professionally. She said it a million times and it always kills. Right. But you're saying just add a little realism to it. Not a little. A lot.

Be real. I think that with stand-up, this is my take on it, that you find your groove, whether it's are you a joke teller or are you somebody that when you tell stories or just yourself, your personality is funny. So you've got to find that out. You haven't been doing it long enough to know yet. But just figure what that is and follow that path. But don't be afraid to be genuine. And if you are going to make stuff up and exaggerate truths, then do it after in a longer set when you've already done genuine stuff.

Because if you start with stuff like that, people are going to think everything you're saying is fake. So after that, after we know that you didn't really give a dollar and go, thank you, Master Sensei, and bow in front of that guy that's sitting on a pile of trash. The joke should be surprising yet obvious.

Obvious that the audience recognizes it as a joke, but you surprise them. That's how jokes, you know, work. You could tie those two people together. The trash guy. Would you shut up? You don't know anything. Let me speak my mind. Let me speak my mind.

Don't tie those two people together. He told somebody last week that they should have a hat and glasses and a guitar and it worked for them. Alright, well, I'm going to talk anyways. I'm just going to keep talking. It's okay. So you can tie it together. Like the lady's like, I got trash for everybody.

And you're like, well, that dude's got – or I got toilet paper for everybody. And that dude – well, you're like, that dude's got trash for everybody. Maybe you two could get together, collaborate, open up a dumpster. Yeah, Jeff was wrong. That was totally worth the trouble. Open up a dumpster kiosk. Well, you know what? I think I'm on guard because you've already said you didn't like me.

I don't feel like I can get in a word. I like your music. So I feel like I have a mind to speak and I have lots of thoughts that are perfectly valid. And I can articulate them very well. By the way, I didn't say that wasn't valid. It's completely valid. Get wrong. I want to be funny with you.

You can't. You're not allowed. Okay. I'm Jeff Garland. That's all you need to know. You cannot hang with me. You're not allowed to. But you have a right to exist and a right

to your opinion. I'm not going to be here next week, so I'm thrilled that you are. Jeff, when you started off, did you have something that it took you a while to find your voice? Because I think that's something new people always have, like this act almost, instead of being themselves. No, I had...

Jeff has been pure honesty from day one, for better or worse. By the way... For better or worse, right? In some ways that can hurt you a little bit. When I first started, my whole thing was about television, cartoon characters. It was bullshit. And cartoon characters fucking, and I would kill. Fuck did I kill.

And then one night I threw up my whole act and said, I'm only going to talk about what I care about and through who I am. And I bombed for a number of years, which was totally cool. What did Adam West's Batman think of your act? He found it rather confusing. I mean, quick, Chief O'Hara, get Aunt Harriet before it's too late. What if Adam West's Batman? It's too late.

What if Adam West Batman... He knows that that was one of the early things that I did was Adam West Batman. Oh, because Adam West kills me. You know what Doug does now is one of the best Bane impressions. Have you ever heard his Bane? And when you say one of the best, it's probably in the top 12. Well, I mean, in the world. That's normally when you would just do the Bane impression, Doug. What's that music?

world. That's normally when you would just do the Bane impression, Doug. What's that music? Like a professional, I just jump in and do it like he did when I told him to do his. Yeah. Your performance needs to come out of the shadows. There you go. I love that.

Good advice from Bane. Do it, do it. Are you doing the new Batman? Do it, do it, do it. I'm going to do, what's his name? Talk to Christian Bale? Batman. So make a phony phone call to me.

Okay. Ring, ring. Hello, Batman. Yeah. Because they both have that fucking voice. But listen to me. No, but Christian Bale is like, Yes!

Yes! Who is this? I can do this! Who is this on the phone? That's no matter what role he plays. Well, yeah, he does that a lot. Seriously. You're good.

Great job. Were you born in Chicago? Yes. Go Bears, although we suck this year. But the point being is, Blues Brothers. I like you, and we'll work together someday. I promise you that. And Grace, he's absolutely right. Go more real.

Tell the truth so that people don't think you're bullshitting all day. Tell the truth! Because you have a likable head, and that's going to work out great for you. I mean, Jeff Garland already wants to work with you. No, I think you're totally right. I think I'm jumping to an act out when I should just be living in the moment first and then do an act out.

And while doing act outs or not, just talking about real, honest, more honest shit. I bet you're a good actress too. Thank you. Yeah, I'm just guessing. No, no, I meant I'm just guessing, but that's my guess. But yeah, good for you.

There she goes, everybody. Go get it. Go get it. Grace Lusk. She's on Twitter at Grace Lusk. L-U-S-K. And see, the slide. Can I just tell you something?

No fucking around. That is the most beautiful thing to hear in between performers, a little slide guitar, and you do a nice job with it. I'm positive too. But she didn't really need that combo, the two characters. What was that? Do what you know. Slide.

By the way, I had a guitar lesson before I came here. I can't slide. That's all I'm saying. Was her name Grace? Is that what you said? Grace? There's an amazing restaurant in Chicago called Grace There's a street called Grace by Wrigley Field Grace Trivia So much fun

So amazing I pulled another name out of the bucket Everybody this looks like a new one Put your hands together for Nia DeBose Nia DeBose. Nia. Hello, everyone. How are you? Or not.

That's great. I don't believe in bikini waxing. Let's just jump into that. I don't think you should have to wax your pussy, folks. I don't. To me, that seems like something I would pay to have done to an enemy. You understand what I'm saying? It's like I meet with a guy in the back alley,

I'm like, hey, listen, you see that bitch over there by the bar? I want you to get that bitch. I want you to pour some hot wax on her pussy. I want you to snatch the fucking hair out. Like, that's... I just don't believe in it. I'm just saying you get an edge up and a bald fade. You be grateful for the hairy pussy that you get.

That's all. I'm Nia DeVos. That's my time. There you go. Meow. Meow. Alright. Was that Buddy Holly for like a second? Yeah. Peggy Sue like a second? Yeah.

Peggy Sue for a second. Hey, seriously. Okay, that was really funny. So here's what I recommend just based on that, and you can use it towards anything else you want. Don't come out and go right into the pussy references. But the idea is... That's six seconds.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. It was really funny when you told the person to go pour hot wax on her pussy in that moment but prior to that let that see that's the surprise aspect you saying that but if you already say pussy up front hot wax on the pussy it takes away from that do you know what mean? So use it when you have to. Don't overdo the pussy is all I'm saying. Right. Pussy.

I enjoyed all the pussy. Right. I thought it was continuously funny that she kept saying pussy. Because you're high. Yeah. All right. No, it's true. The waxing is all that she needs to say.

Save the pussy for the enemy. Save the pussy. So it's like I'm not anti-pussy saying that shit, but when you say stuff too much, especially early on, the minute you hit the stage, it sort of numbs the audience immediately. Much like a pussy waxing. No, that would make, I think, more than numbing.

That makes you quite alert. Yeah, quite alert. Have you had your... You cannot sleep through a pussy waxing. Doug, you've had your pussy wax before? No, but I see it all the time depicted in comedy programs. Do you know that my stage name used to be Pussy Wax Richards? Really? You were Pussy Wax before? No, but I see it all the time depicted in comedy programs. Do you know that my stage name used to be Pussy Wax Richards? Really?

You were Pussy Wax? I use your pussy nerve endings. That's all I'm saying. Pussy Wax Richards. Destroy. Yeah. So what do you do down there? I just lock it.

So I've got to. Lock it? Holy shit. Wow. I call it the Stevie Wonder By the way No fucking around though You made me laugh hard That was really hard

Thank you I've never heard that before It's a good premise That's funny Thank you Yeah fuck man The girl who I liked before you I didn't laugh hard

Thought she was great And she's gonna do great things I think you could too Thank you Yeah Awesome Why is everybody so upset About waterboarding When pussy waxing's happening There you go thought she was great and she's going to do great things, I think you could too. Thank you. Yeah. I appreciate it. Awesome. Why is everybody so upset about waterboarding when pussy waxing is happening?

There you go. That's effective. There you go. You're welcome. I'll tell you whatever you want to know. I wonder, though, if pussy waxing brings you nightmares. Well, the P in PTSD stands for... Pussy trauma.

Nia, how long... Are you from LA? No, I'm from Houston. I actually just saw you at the Whatever Fest in Houston. Oh, nice. Yeah, Houston's comedy crowds are great. You probably have a great time doing shows. Do you live here or are you just visiting?

I live here. How long have you lived here? Since July. Oh, wow. What part of town? Like little Armenia. What's your social? That is one, two, three.

Is this your first dealing with Armenians? No, I've actually never really met any Armenians. So how's that culture shock for you? It's really not because it's by the Scientology Center. That's way more shocking than Armenians. If you go in. Yeah, I won't.

Then it's not that shocking. It's just a building with a word Scientology. No, they walk them through the neighborhood and they make them touch stuff. And then they take you to a room and try to wax your pussy. Did you know going clear is just another expression for pussy waxing? That will not be top tonight. Just letting you know, you have hit number one for the night.

What do you do for work? I drive for Uber. Oh, look at you and your grandma's balls. That's a great thing for comedians to do. Do you ever talk about it? No, not really. Because before I moved here, my day job in Houston was I drove a bus. Do you talk about that at all?

No, Jesus Christ. You should talk about that time you had to keep it up over 55, though. That was quite an adventure. It's amazing you drive it. This is, again, as I spoke earlier in terms of Bob Binkley, you need to be talking about the bus. Had a guy have a drug overdose on my bus once. Well, then that's a story.

Hilarious. Good times. By the way, it might be. I hope he died and you threw him under the bus and went on your route. Because the expression thrown under the bus is never about really being thrown under a bus. Ever. I think what's amazing about you driving the bus is how far we've come since Rosa Parks. You know what I mean?

Like, that's incredible. I'm all the way in the front of the bus. It's like you're in the best seat now. I'm in the front front of the bus. And that one's the most cushy of all the seats. Do you miss the bus ever? Sometimes it has the beads on the back. It's very comfortable.

Those actually are pretty comfortable. Right? But I imagine. Have a kiss on your back. You could do some math with your shoulder blades. Bend in the middle. It's nice. I don't miss it, though.

I would never go back. No. Go ahead, Jeff. No, I just imagine that there were people that rode your bus regulars that you could talk about. Yes, there were. So what the fuck are you doing? Because I got other shit to fucking talk about. Well, then you're good.

Yeah, you love the minute that she did. I did, I laughed hard. She's got another minute or more about bus driving. But she's not doing the bus, you douche. She can't. The bus is too big a story to do in a minute. No, but she doesn't do it. Pussy waxing, bam.

Say it three times, meow, you're done. The point is, either he asked... It wasn't from my pussy, that's for sure. That's not actually for sure. You don't know that. No, you don't, because maybe when you put on your pants, one broke loose,

and then the air conditioning went to Doug's mouth. But here's the thing. And now we are one. That's all it takes, by the way. One pussy hair, boom. They think the same thing. That's a great science fiction show. I'm going to pitch it.

If someone's pubic hair gets loose, and then if it enters the mouth of another person, you share a break. That's just crazy enough to work, actually. Definitely pitch it out the window. I want to produce a credit. You get anything you want. Nia, what do you like to do for fun?

What are some of your hobbies? Other than stand-up comedy. Other than stand-up. Okay, well, then that's it. No, I like to read a lot. That's good. I used to really be into weightlifting and MMA. So now I just kind of spectate.

So I like to watch a lot of the fights. But you wanted to participate before. Yeah, I used to watch a lot of the fights. But you wanted to participate before. Yeah, I used to do a lot of training. I'm just telling you right now, I'm not going to fuck with you. And what I was going to say is, which I was interrupted more by the high guy than you.

Someone said, do you talk about the boss? I don't interrupt you ever. By the way, truly, bus. I don't interrupt you ever. By the way, truly, Doug, you don't. I keep my place. No, and in our long-term relationship, you do not interrupt me.

I, on the other hand, am a constant interruption and I know that. At least we're clear. Tell the lady your great information you have for her. Here's the information. Someone asked you if you talk about the bus and you were like very adamantly no. So that's all I'm saying. Add that to

your repertoire with the other shit. Okay. Like the regulars. I don't know what the fuck it is. I didn't drive a bus. But you do and most people don't drive a bus. They make it clearly in the past too because you're a professional comedian now so that's what people want from you. Yeah I used to have to drive a bus. They make it clearly in the past too because like you know you're a professional comedian now so like

that's what people want from you but like yeah I used to have to drive a bus. Boom you're in. Now you have a Prius right? No. Oh what are you Ubering with? An Impala. An Impala? Wow. I very rarely get an Impala and I Uber regularly. But she still clips bike riders on the regular.

I do. You Uber a lot Jeff? Not as much. When I'm in New York, I do a lot. But I go for the most expensive one because I'm rich. Yeah. So you would not get my Impala. I would not get Uber X, no. I feel like you're the type of guy that also doesn't automatically

give drivers five stars. I feel like you really are. Unless they're an asshole, it's five stars. And my son, who uses my account, I'm down to 4.7. I don't like that. Oh, your son's bringing your rating down? Yes.

No, I was. Because the drivers are giving him a bad rating? I was a five. Is he using UberX or he's using like the... He's using all sorts of Uber shit. You know why they do that? It's because it's when you fart in the back seat. No, it's actually... Truth is, he's a kid.

He doesn't know any better. But I know it's because of drunks for the most part. Yes. Yeah, I know. He hasn't drank, but you know. Sometimes I'll pick Uber Black and the driver's white. It bums me out. Trying to give back to the segment of the side.

He's great at closing out a segment. Yeah. Doug Benson just closed that out beautifully. I love that. Nia, craziest thing you've ever seen in your Uber Oh nothing Do you go late nights ever No I don't do late nights

You do the day Now the bus The bus you did late night That was a city bus in Houston I did the late late late shift And I picked up all the prostitutes And crackheads So all I'm saying is what the fuck are you not talking about that for?

It's depressing, man. Homeless bitches shitting in the bus. By the way, have you ever seen or heard of Richard Pryor? No. Is he new? No. Richard. Richard.

Oh, shit. I think for a rare time, I'm so bad at sarcasm. Like I never do sarcasm. Then when I do it, it seems so sincere. No, the point being is he talked about some ugly ass shit and made it funny, which you could do too. I guess because I haven't found a way to make that funny because that was my day job. Well, I don't do, by the way, let's talk about about I have an area that I don't do because I can't make it funny and that's politics. I never

talk about what I think about politics because I just start getting angry and I turn into Soapbox Johnson. So I avoid it. So you'll figure it out. But you're also at a point where that might be a possibility. Like I know at this point in my career that I'm not doing politics. I'm not

going to be a political comedian. You don't know what you are. You should be experimenting with everything. Okay. Yeah, that's all. I will. All right, good. Do you ever talk about politics?

No. No, I don't. Why are you keeping me up for so long? Trump needs his pussy wax real bad. Pussy on top of his fucking head. Terrible. She said the pussy on his head. Donald Trump.

Oh, shit. Give me a rip shot. No? Okay. Nia DeBose. So nice to meet you. There you go. Nia.

Good job. She's on Twitter at LOLNiaDeBose. N-I-A-D-E-B-O-S-E. By the way, can I get another drink real quick? Yeah, what kind of drink do you want? I don't care. I just want it real quick. Well, what kind of drink do you want? I don't care, I just want it real quick Well, you just have to say it

No, uh You want us to bring you one of everything? Yeah, bring me one of each He knows what I want He knows what I want Okay, there you go I'll take one too, Josh One of mine

By the way, can I also say that I'm on I'm actually I'm on I'm off all social media except for Instagram Oh, okay Jeff's off social media, you guys. Alert the regular media. This is one of the people that has gotten pulled out of the pocket quite a few times.

Can I just say my thing? Yeah, go ahead, Jeff. Jeff Garland. Yeah, Instagram. That's it? Just Jeff Garland? Jeff Garland and Instagram? But I'm verified.

Oh, okay. Keep going. He's legit on Instagram, you guys. And you take great pictures. I am a photographer, yes. That's it? Just Jeff Garland? Jeff Garland and Instagram? But I'm verified. Oh, okay. Keep going. He's legit on Instagram, you guys. And you take great pictures. I am a photographer, yes. That's right. That's what I do in my spare time. You know who else takes pictures?

That and I run a lotion shop. And I've also heard that you were maybe getting into the chocolate business. Is this right? Oh, it's Chocolatier? Yes. That's a funny name, Chocolatier. Every time I hear the word Chocolatier, I think of you. Why not?

Who wouldn't think of me? This guy has been pulled out of the bucket so many times because Asians are so lucky. And every single time, it seems like he kills. He has a very funny style. We're always happy to pull him out of the bucket. Put your hands together for the one and only Tam Pham, everybody. I'm sick, so I'm covering up the mic.

I'm used to being the weird guy. I grew up in Mexico. I'm sorry, so I'm covering up the mic. I'm used to being the weird guy. I grew up in Mexico. I'm sorry, the Valley. I keep making... Sorry. I keep making that mistake because I have eyes. It was hard. I never fit in

especially when I was nine because that was the year where my mom thought it was a good idea to give me a perm now if you think that my school full of Latinos was making fun of me a lot for being Asian with big ears imagine being Asian with big ears. Imagine being Asian with a Jew fro.

They called me the Diary of Japan Frank. Thanks, everybody. Exactly a minute. Tam Pham. His own personal story, but with solid jokes, Jeff.

What could you possibly critique about that? Tam Pham, how much do you hate black people that you would put the paper towel over them? That's what I was thinking he was doing. He said, and even if he was lying, it was very eloquent, that he was sick and that's why he was doing it. And that seemed thoughtful. Even if he's full of shit, it was thoughtful. He was doing it. Well, first of all, can I just say... And that seemed thoughtful.

Even if he's full of shit, it was thoughtful. Yeah, well, you know what would be more thoughtful is if you're really sick, stick to your culture and wear one of those weird surgical masks that your grandparents wear every flight that I'm on around this country. I'm always next to some Asian in a surgical mask. And by the looks of your ears, the thing would never come off. So it would probably stay on permanently for life. You know what's really

cool is first off... Is that why they're all wearing those? To keep us from getting sick? That's so sweet. Yeah. Is that true? That's what he's saying, yeah. Mostly. Because it doesn't work the other

way around, supposedly. So I always laugh at them, like, what are you doing? But they're trying to keep me from getting sick? Mostly. Mostly. They're mostly keep... Because it doesn't work the other way around, supposedly. No, it doesn't. So I always laugh at them. Like, what are you doing? But they're trying to keep me from getting sick. That's so sweet. I'm going to run over and pull that mask off and kiss them on the mouth. What are you sick with, Tam Fam?

Bird flu? Wow. All right. Really? Too soon for the bird flu jokes, guys? No, it's just... No,. All right. Really? Too soon for the bird flu jokes, guys? No, it's just. That's right. You told me you want to keep it funny and not so serious.

All right. Whoa, geez. Really pulling the wizard out of the curtain there. No, I just. Because I really have a thought. He's funny. And you have a face of someone who should be doing comedy. And that's not meant as a

insult but you look like you're funny. He's fun. He's a fun guy. Point being is this style is not exactly right for you. The one minute type situation. I imagine if things are slower you're pretty fucking good.

I thought he killed it with just one minute. No, no. I'm not saying that he was bad but I'm saying you're pretty fucking good. I thought he killed it with just one minute. No, no. I'm not saying that he was bad, but I'm saying you're probably better when... Not that anyone wouldn't be better. What the fuck is this format? Well, they have to save time for what you just did, so that's why the comedians don't get to talk for very long.

You already said that he's a favorite around here. This is my first time seeing you, right? Yeah. I've never been in this seat before when you're on, and I thought that was – you're a professional comic in my mind. Yeah, it was fun. You're obviously working hard. You're going out when you're sick.

You're spreading your disease everywhere you go. How long have you been on stand-up for, Tam-Tam? A year and a half. A year and a half. Year and a half. Doing very good. Yeah, you're doing great. Yeah, really good. That's the thing about...

I'm jealous of how good you're doing. A year and a half is pretty fast to be this good. Yeah. Have you been getting up a lot? Jeff's thinking about it. No, I was much better. But, you know, me, like a week in, I passed out. I was fucking great. You'm already had the adam west

closer about a year and a half by the way i had adam west the first time i went on stage but uh you know it's like uh everyone's one i i'll do your your pain then no hey seriously. It's like it just takes so much time, and you just got to keep going up on stage and doing it. And it's like some nights you'll come off, and you feel like I know nothing, and you don't. And sometimes you come off, and you go, I'm great, and you're not. It's like it's just a constant process,

but you're really good, and good luck to you. TamFam, tell us something else about you other than that you do stand up. What do you like to do for fun? You ever drive a bus or anything like that? Nah. Ever get your pussy waxed? You don't have to answer that.

I was just fucking around. I was going to answer Tony's real question. What do you do for fun? I tend to only do things once. I went to a gun range once. I went skydiving once. I went to Europe once. Hey, you get out of all those alive that one time.

Why bother to take any chances? What was skydiving like? Those are all probably comedic stories that you're working on, right? Eventually I'm going to try to get them on. What do you do more than once? Just this, really. Just this? Yeah. Skydiving is... So I take it you're

not a virgin, but one time. Alright. How was skydiving? Did you do it with Indiana Jones? Wow, are you calling him short round? You know, skydiving as an Asian is interesting because they're the only race whose eyes don't change while skydiving. If you picture that one, guys, it's more of a picture-it joke than anything else.

If I could give advice to young comics do as many picture it jokes as you can because audiences grab hold and they don't let go. It's a podcast. That's true. So do you carry that same paper towel around with you everywhere? No, I just pulled this one from the bathroom.

He got it fresh just for us. But you get it from the bathroom? It's covered with more disease probably than you have. I really thought he was going to do like the old joke of like wiping off the mic and then saying something about, I don't know where the other comics have been or whatever. But he's really just trying to keep people from getting sick. I like him because he's very thoughtful and he's funny. He's a good man. Most people are dicks.

And look at you. What do you do for work? You're not remotely a dick. No, seriously. You're not remotely a dick. I can seriously, you're not remotely a dick. I can tell. You're a good man. You're what we Jews call a mensch.

You're clearly a mensch, and the world's your oyster, and just keep going. What do Asians call him? Jeff? Yeah. Most of my interactions with anyone of another culture, they call me by my name. There's no unusual pronunciation. It's just my name.

Some of them say hefe. Hefe? Some of them? Hefe. Actually, the only person who ever said hefe that I heard was a white woman who thought it was interesting to call me hefe. Was it Fran Drescher? No, it was the driver on my TV show.

Alright. See, sometimes truth isn't funny. By the way, that's totally true. Tam Pham, what do you do for work? I work as an extra a few days a week. In motion pictures and television?

Yes. Oh, yeah? That's how I got my start in the biz. Oh, you used to tell stories about being an extra. Oh, the stories I would tell. I do remember. I would line up for lunch. Which was your closer.

You work on anything cool Like you ever like Dr. Ken stand in Or anything like that Do you ever see the old Iron Patriot Comic Patriot Whatever his name is I don't know what he looks like outside the Wacky costume

He hasn't seen him outside the costume But he does extra work too But what's like a movie or TV show we know that you were an extra in? A bunch of them. Scandal. Oh, Scandal. Isn't being an extra in a TV show like that so much fun? You just sit around for hours. Did you find it

scandalous? No. Like I said, sometimes the truth isn't funny. You were about to say, did you get any pussy? You were about to say literally, did you get any pussy being an extra on Scandal? No one gets more pussy than the young people. Did you impregnate Kerry Washington? Is that your baby?

When's the last time you got laid, Tam Fam? Don't do that to him. What kind of question is that? It's a live show. What are we talking about? I know, but it's none of our business. Do you enjoy sex? Yeah, it is.

Tam Fam, when's the last time you got laid? No, TamFam, don't tell us. Here's what I want you to do, TamFam. I want you to leave the stage with dignity. He's not Howard's. How do you know it wasn't last night? Let's go down the table. How do you know he didn't get sick eating some bad pussy, Jeff?

Eating some bad pussy? Like it grows somewhere? Pam, did you notice the expiration date on that pussy? Jeff. Eating some bad pussy like it grows somewhere. Did you notice the expiration date on that pussy? It was bad. No, but Tam Fam, listen to me. You're love making no one's business.

It's not. You enjoy it, obviously. You don't really enjoy it? Wait, you don't really enjoy it? Not really. Whoa. Thank you. Now the door has been opened?

The door was open before, Jeff. You closed it. Not when was the last time you got laid. Somehow Tony sensed you had a weird sex life. Yeah. Now here we are. Do you like mirth? No.

So you don't like sex. Do you like mirth? No. So you don't like sex. Do you like robotics? Yeah. Yeah, you do. Oh, I get this. Generally, most people who don't enjoy sex are big fans of robotics. Yeah. That's what I find.

Do you collect pottery from around the world? No. No. You will. That might be fun. You will. Yeah, no doubt about it. Tony's seen it happen before.

Tam Fam, another great set. Good to see you again. Go get healthy. Good job, too. There he goes. What was that, Pat? Were you surprised about something there? What was that look there at the end?

Nothing? Oh, that was why. Why does he not like sex? That's why I want to know why he doesn't like the puss. But guess what? I know the answer and it's none of our business. Oh, wow. Jeff obviously hooking up with Tam Tam on the side.

He has the most beautiful vagina. You know, he's prioritizing and right now he's doing a good job writing jokes. Jeff, of course. I concur. You know what I mean? Some guys don't go chase after the pussy all the time. A cool thing that happens on this show is there's two young ladies that go up and write and perform a brand new minute every

single week. Are these the ones I saw before a long time ago? Actually, those ones now tour around the country. They graduated. And they go up in the uh original room downstairs on mondays and we have two new regulars okay and so every week these two write and perform they're under the pressure of having to write and perform a brand new minute every single week which is really tough and then we talk to them about anything at all just like we've talked to everybody else here tonight so Do you understand how this works, Jeff?

No, yeah, he does. He just explained it. He sure did. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I'm going to bring up your first regular. She's been on the show for a few months now. She started brand new with us,

known for her extreme nervousness and knack for apologizing on stage. Here she is tonight with a new minute. Put your hands together for Melissa Esslinger. Woo! Why did the turtle cross the road to get to the shell station? I wrote that when I was eight, and that's adorable. I saw Star Wars this weekend

and while I was killing time in the lobby there was this guy talking very loudly on his phone about how he felt about the movie and without any thought or shame I turned to him and said but it's LA so he just ignored me I don't like to poop in public places but sometimes you have to. So I had

to make up this song that I sing to myself so I can go. I'm get it? But you gotta do, fuck you guys. Oh my god. You gotta do what you gotta do and right now you gotta poop. That's what I sing to myself so I can poop. There you go, another new minute. Melissa Esslinger, knocking it out. I finished your song. I Esslinger. Knocking it out. I finished your song. I finished

your song. Alright, you're done pooping. Time to wipe. Now I'm going to the sink. Gonna soap up my hands. I'm gonna go see something. I'm at a public place. I'm going home. See, his point is

it never gets easy. You just got to keep trying stuff. This is fun. What do you see that happens? Doug, this is just... She opened stronger than she closed tonight, but she's also like... The difference in the shaking is unbelievable.

You don't shake it anymore. But what about... Do you have to wear your glasses? Well, I hurt my eye. I was taking a break from the contacts. Oh, okay. But eventually I'll be back. Because you fiddle with them a lot.

Yeah, I don't like them. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, it's another affect that you've picked up instead of shaking. But I just think you're just fun and, you know, especially the first part. I don't know about the poop song. The way that your likability is your biggest trademark without a doubt. You can do stuff like that.

That first joke. You can just be adorable and talk about it and move on and kill with it. You can do that because it feels genuine. It felt like you wrote it when you were eight. Had you said anything else it probably wouldn't have worked but that type

of honesty and openness with yourself, it feels honest. So there you go. There's good jokes peppered in there. Jeff Garland initial thoughts, first time seeing Melissa Esslinger who has to write and perform a new minute every week. As someone who hasn't written a new

minute ever I don't have an act to see so therefore I just go up and I start talking so every time I actually go on stage it's a new minute unless you're working with me on something yeah you know so I think you're a big bowl of adorable and you seem funny and you seem super intelligent and I can tell you're a good writer and I like everything about you. Is that enough? Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, so I would just and by the way, why don't you just go up one night and say how much you hate your glasses and see where it takes you. That's all. You might shake a little more because you don't know where you're going, but you might come up with

something that'll make you go, fuck, I gotta always wear my glasses. And yeah, the glasses, I don't know you without glasses, and you're fine with glasses. Well, thank you. I like her a lot. Yeah, go. What did you think of the new Star Wars movie? You were excited about it.

I don't want to ruin anything for anybody. I'm just a little confused. Was the guy giving spoilers out when he was talking? Who was giving spoilers? He wasn't giving spoilers, although some kids I was sitting next to before that were. But I tuned it out quick enough. But the guy in the lobby, he was just giving his opinion. And I thought he was being a dick already.

So I was like... You really did that to him no well I did go not that loud I wasn't that loud but I did kind of not loud

I don't think he saw me I thought you were gonna when you said the thing about ah when somebody's talking about Star Wars and then you immediately went into

having to go to the bathroom I thought that the punchline was gonna be and when I go to the bathroom the only way I can do it is if I go ah you do the same thing again

like you don't wanna hear your own shit that you're taking the only way I can do it is if I go, ah, you do the same thing again. You don't want to hear your own shit that you're taking. I didn't really do it, and that is funny. No spoilers on my bowel movement, please. That's great. That's good. Well, and actually, I did it more for myself. I literally didn't want to hear what he was saying, so I was like,

yeah. You know what I would have done in that situation? I would have... Well, situation? I would have... Well, if I was with you and we're going to see Star Wars and we saw him, to make you laugh, I would have gone over, put my head to my ears, and yelled, ah, and danced at the same time. And he would have had to have noticed me.

When you say pooping in public places, what kind of places are we talking about? If you're out and about and you've got to go. Like in a restroom? Yes. By the way, I know a lot of... Hold on a second here. You don't like going in restrooms?

Two things I can do is poop pretty much anywhere and take a nap almost anywhere. I know that about myself, but I know a lot of people... That's because you have narc poopolepsy. Dog, I told you don't make fun of me. Don't make fun of my narc pooplepsy. I can shit or sleep anywhere. It's a problem. Hold on.

That's my stage name. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome narc pooplepsy. No, a lot of people have that problem. I know a lot of people. You know, you guys are just not sensitive enough to people. That's true. That's the problem. That's the problem. I know a lot of people. You know, you guys are just not sensitive enough to people. That's true. That's a problem. It's a very negative program we do here. You're just being a little

too mean. When I'm on. Right, Brian? Brian's not even saying anything because Jeff was so mean to him earlier. But he did deserve it. What the fuck was he talking about? What the fuck does this guy talk about except a slug at the end? You're lovely.

Oh, thank you. All right, continue that. Melissa Esslinger, everybody, with another new minute. One of the hardest jobs in showbiz. By the way, Tony. Yeah. I'm never doing this show again. I bet.

No, I don't want to do it anymore. Are you quitting the show right now? No, I'll finish it out, but I'm not coming back. We're almost there, Jeff. I've had it with this shit. Why don't you like it? What's the problem? Because I never wanted to be a judge on a fucking last douchebag standings.

You're supposed to help him out a little bit. It's not douchebag standings. I don't like this. Nobody wins. Nobody loses. It's just advice. When I said keep it light, don't be too serious. It's because it's not last comic standing.

We're just having some laughs. Here's the thing. I don't take myself seriously, but I take what I do seriously. And this shit's what I do, so I take it very serious when talking to them. And I want to be encouraging to people, you know, when they need... Because these people are all really... I'm actually impressed.

Yeah. Because I really love stopping people who suck. And, no, they just get in the way of everyone. They get in the way of your enjoyment. They don't get in the way of everyone. They get in the way of your enjoyment. They don't get in the way of my stage time. I go up when I want. But the point being is that, you know. Alright, who's next? Let's do it. Our final regular.

This is her second week. Second week as a regular. Her first and only time ever up in front of Jeff Garlin. Because you just retired from the show after this. This is definitely her. It's your last time together, so enjoy it. By the way, unless I take a personal interest in her career,

or the girl from Chicago is like your regular, I'm not coming back. Okay. All right. I'll come back for the Chicago girl if she becomes a regular. I think you might like this other regular who we have. This is her second week ever being a regular on the show. Her third time ever on the show. Put your hands together for her.

It's the stylings of Vanessa Johnston, everybody. I feel like that's a lot of pressure. Jeff, hi. Hi, Vanessa. Hi, hello. I'm kind of sick of people seeing racial stereotypes instead of individual people like some of the best dancers in the world are white some of the best mathematicians in the world are black unfortunately for asians there are no asian nascar drivers

so that one might be true there's been like one guy his name's Hideo Fukuyama his best race he plays 33rd but that was only because there was an accident track which tied up all the white black and Hispanic drivers so that he was able to move up from 66 and. And Hideo was the cause of that accident. So, you guys don't think Tokyo Drift was invented on purpose? No.

No. Okay. Exactly a minute. Vanessa Johnston. Asian NASCAR driving. I love a Tokyo Drift reference. You loved it, right? I love it, yeah.

It depends. Like that room, like there's people that are car people and they get it. And the people like sometimes people are not car people and nobody gets it. Right. And sometimes there's Asians in the audience. And they love it. Asians love it. Do you think that she could like somehow shorten the math part of that joke

where she's like, you know, 33 and then 66. It could be something quicker. More punchy. Yeah. I didn't hear a word you said. Why is that, Jeff? What happened? I don't know anything about race car driving, and she's pretty.

Yeah. She just blanked out. No, I just was like, wow, she's really pretty, and I don't care about race car driving, and she's pretty. Yeah. She just blanked out. No, I just was like, wow, she's really pretty, and I don't care about race car driving. That was my inner monologue. Oh, look at her. Yeah, good for you. I mean, I was going to talk about going down on girls,

but I figured that wasn't your, like, steez. Start up a new minute. And here we go. It's Vanessa Johnston, everybody, with another brand new minute. Taking next week off and doing this minute right now. Could you do a minute on that right now?

No, that's what I was going to do originally. Do it! Do it. Really? Okay. Vanessa Johnston! So, I date women and men, and uh i just started going down on girls and it's not going as well as i expected like here's the thing i'm a girl she's a girl like you should know how to do yourself and everyone thinks this like every guy in this room even if they're not gay they're like but if i was gay i would suck the meanest dick hands down and it's so cliche

but the clit is hard to find and like girls like we think it's easy and that's because we have like huge vibrators like the size of jupiter and then it just vibrates our entire lower body. You can't fuck it up is my point. And the worst part is like even if you do find it, you don't know if you're doing it right because girls are liars. May fate come.

57 seconds. Double kill Vanessa Johnston Jeff Garland what did you think about that one I heard everything you said And I thought it was good You were talking about what you gave a shit about At the moment And it was a lot more interesting than the race car stuff

I mean Look it's not titillating to me You know what I mean By the way it's titillating but it's not titillating to me you know what I mean by the way it's titillating but it's not titillating I'm not you know but the point being is what was interesting was that you were really passionate talking about it

and it was interesting and there you go so when I go down on a Japanese woman I call it the Tokyo drift but yeah that was fun but I thought both minutes had Chinese woman, I call it the Tokyo Drift. But yeah, that was fun. But I thought both minutes had good parts. By the way, let's just also talk about that.

Even if you don't, even if you're a gay man or whatever, someone talking about their sexuality in terms of going down on someone, if they make it remotely interesting, it's very interesting. Oh, yeah. It's a good topic. Yeah. No, it's a really good topic. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. More than like racist shit. And just with anything. I'm just saying. It's like going down on somebody is so much better than racist shit. It is. I really agree. That's a going down on somebody so much better than racist shit. It is. I really agree. That's a basic lesson in stand-up comedy.

I don't find anything about, for the most part, it all bores me, the thing about different types of people and this and that shit. To me, it's been done so much over the years that it's just like it's a big bolo who gives a shit people are always you're dating women and men there's so many compare and contrast festivals you could go with and uh going down on women and having that attitude it should work because that anyone if a man would know i thought it was all smart and good considering you're talking about going that's the thing too like when she was talking about the uh pussy waxing earlier it's not you shocking is bullshit but when you're really talking about something that you're living through or her saying that it's something you do to somebody that's really funny you know so

i dug it and it's your second week good luck to you I'm not going to take an interest though. No, I'll tell you why. I'm an old married man and look at you. And so really it does me no good to tell my wife, oh I've taken an interest. My wife? What is that? What's his name? It's a popular thing that people do.

Ten years ago. By the way, I'm not going to point being is I'm not taking an interest but I wish you great luck and hopefully someday we do work together and I'll be nice I'll have some sort of an interest but it won't be too much it won't be too much

it's just not I've learned at this point I've been doing this for 33 years and I'm 53 years old there are certain things to avoid spending a lot of time with you would be one of those. It's just not good for me in any way. I'm sure you're a lovely, but not that you asked me. Have you heard this one?

Honesty is cruelty. Just shut up already. I don't think I'm being cruel. I don't take an interest in you. You're too beautiful to live. Never said that. I hope you get cancer. It's the subtext, Jeff. There was no subtext of that, Doug.

But Doug, why don't you take it personally? You both can go get high. Do you smoke weed? She doesn't even smoke weed. Do you see how excited I got at that opportunity? By the way, is that your only line of offering something to women?

Do you get high? It turns out, Jeff, that's the you... Is that your only line of offering something to women? Do you get high? Oh, great. Yeah, it turns out, Jeff, that's the only line I need, really, at this point. I mean, not with her, obviously, but... You keep doing what you're doing. Vanessa, what's your Twitter handle? Vanessa Johnstoo.

How do you spell the Johnstoo? J-O-H-N-S-T-O-O. Oh, Johnstoo. My name was taken. And does anyone here who came up have an Instagram account? That's what I'm like an Instagram person. Are you an Instagram person? Yes, Jeff Garlin.

I'm all about the visuals. Yeah, visuals. I can see how this relationship's going to start. Instagram direct message. Dick pic, dick pic. By the way, what is your Instagram? Vanessa V. Johnston. Vanessa V. Johnston? Johnston with a Instagram? Vanessa V. Johnston. Vanessa V. Johnston?

Johnston with a T. Vanessa V. Johnston. Every dude in the room just memorized her Instagram. And by the way, listeners, for taking a chance, they're going there. And I'll tell you what, one of the coolest all-time moves by any regular in week two by busting out two minutes. Congratulations, Vanessa Johnson. Great job. That's the show!

Pat Reagan's at Patty Reagan on Twitter. Anything else you want to promote, Pat? I was just on Adam Devine's house party, so look for it. Oh, that's great. You shot that in Hawaii. That's so fucking awesome. Josh Martin's at Josh Martin. Melissa Esslinger's Melissa Esslinger. Doug Benson's at Doug Benson. Check out Doug Loves Movies.

All the great things going on over there. His special on Netflix. The one and only, my favorite person in the world, Jeff Garland, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Meet the Goldbergs. No, just call it the Goldbergs. People have already met them. The Goldbergs, ABC. I'm rich and I'm very successful.

I drive a Tesla. Please support all those things by watching the Goldbergs. I'm trying to get one more successful I drive a Tesla please support all those things by watching the Goldberg thing Texas Texas it's this Saturday and Sunday and Caroline's on Broadway the first weekend I'll be napping over the holidays

I'm going to be napping over the holidays if you want to think of that I encourage you my audience make some noise. Thanks for being part of it. Thank you. I'm so out of frame I must have paid them all